#the important thing is to just let yourself start somewhere and don't give up
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I love you chickens and offer two of my own. Do you have any advice on how to improve my backgrounds? I have a lot of trouble with flowers and other plants, like the purple hyacinths in the first drawings?
all your BAWKtobers are so cute I love them
!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad you are enjoying BAWKtober! It is the highlight of my year. And my goodness, these are lovely! Your choice of colors are so nice to look at, they feel like a soft place to rest your eyes.
Honestly, backgrounds have always been something I myself struggle with, and I don't know if that makes me more or less qualified to offer advice, but I can pass on what I have found helpful for myself.
1.) Start with something you LOVE. Trying to draw something you struggle with can already flick the little task avoidant I Do Not Want To Do This switch in your brain, so we are going to stack as many positives against it as we can in an effort to get our mindset as far away from This Sucks and I'm Not Doing It zone as we can, so: Start with something you love.
Are you passionate about nature and plants? Start practicing with nature backgrounds. Fascinated by roman architecture? We're gonna get drawing those pillars. Have a bunch of OCs that live in a fantasy setting and desperately want to be able to draw them interacting with the places you've imagined in your head? Get ready to get worldbuilding. If it's a subject you are already interested in it is going to feel significantly less like pulling teeth at the start than if you are stuck doing Boring Square House In 2 Point Linear Perspective (unless you love Boring Square House in 2 Point Linear Perspective, in which case, follow your heart).
I do this a lot with my BAWKtober drawings. I love drawing chickens and want to be able to have them interact in fun environments. The Chickens Part of the drawing are easy and familiar for me. It's something my brain is comfortable with. So I use it as a bit of a mental touchstone to keep myself skirting just shy of the This Sucks edge long enough to stay motivated on the background part of it.
Find your "Chickens."
2.) SIMPLIFY! Even complicated things are just many big and small shapes. Learn to break things down into their most basic shapes and use those as the building blocks to map out your background. Everything is Shape. Think Shape.
You don't have to get hung up on finer details right now. Those can come later. I did this with the rows of wheat field in my Harvest Moon prompt. Envisioned them as large blocks laid out next to each other. I mapped out shadows by darkening the sides away from the source of light (Big Ol' Moon Circle),
And after i got that base work i built off it with details (notice how you can still picture those shapes underneath it all). While this is by no means a Complicated background, the general method works for more intricate things too.
It's also helpful when trying to map out lights and darks. I do this a lot when I am trying to get a sense of depth and shadows for an environment:
Start with the really basic shapes. I like to imagine the background, middle ground, and foreground are all on different layers stacked atop each other facing the viewer (think those cut paper shadow boxes).
GENERALLY speaking, you are gonna have things closest to you be darker and more vibrant colored, and objects in the distance will be lighter and less saturated as they fade into the atmosphere. There are of course instances where this is not the case ( a background of a dense jungle or mouth of a cave may do the reverse, getting darker and darker the deeper you go, to show the lack of light and shadows that grow the further you venture from light) but it is a good rule of thumb when starting out, especially with landscapes.
Once you have that figured out, you can start slapping down more details~
3.) REFERENCES! I know everyone and their mother says this but it's true. The human eye and memory can be so, so faulty when trying to think back on how something looks. You might THINK you know, but when you try to sit down and draw it you sit there and have a 10min existential crisis (If you don't believe me, just try to draw a bicycle completely from memory. It's miserable).
So look at real things! Pay attention to the way your fav walking path curves over the hill on your walk home. Make note of how the distant skyscrapers on the outskirt of town fade into the soft pinks of the sunset much more the the stark, towering ones right outside your window. Look at cars and bushes spaced out in your local wal mart parking lot, take pictures of the flowers in your grandmother's window box. What's the simplest shape they can be broken down to and still be recognized? You are training your eye to see things in a new way and help you get good at positioning them in 3d space. Eventually, you will get better at this and won't need to reference things as often (but you always CAN. References are your friends!)
4.) Lastly, JUST DO IT!!!
JUST DO IT OH MY GOD JUST DO IT! JUST DRAW tHE BACKGROUND. I know, i know! It sucks and it's hard and it's not as fun as drawing the characters that you love and it might look bad at first but jUST DRAW IT BAD.
In the past i've spent so much time getting in my own damn way because I somehow get it in my head that there's some hidden knowledge or information or tutorial that i am missing, and if i wait until i Learn It i will finally understand the thing and Then i can go about learning it the "right way." Which is a wonderful way of shooting yourself in the foot before you even take a step.
It's really easy to get bogged down in the mindset of "i'm not good at this right now, so i have to wait til i Get Better so i can do it right" and this is Lies. This is the devil on your shoulder talking. This is the mind killer, and it is also a paradox. You want to get better at The Thing before you Do It, but you have to Do It to get Get Better. So you just do Nothing and then you feel bad 'cause you haven't moved anywhere.
So, just start trying. Pick something you love and let that carry you through the hard parts of the learning. Try not to care so much about how it looks at first. You are learning a new language, a visual one. If you get frustrated take a step back, or try drawing something else. Keep it simple, at least at first. And if you feel discouraged, remember i recently had a 10min existential crisis when i realized i couldn't remember how to draw an egg carton, which I see and hold in my hands every single day.
TL;DR DRAW IT BAD, BUT DRAW IT!
#i am so sorry for making you read a giant block of text that may not have even helped you at all#i don't usually do tutorials but i hope you find even a fragment of this helpful or relatable#everyone has their own method that works for them#the important thing is to just let yourself start somewhere and don't give up#backgrounds my beloved and belothed#backgrounds (affectionate and derogatory)#kenna answers#Makenna Made a Questionably Helpful Tutorial#chickens#tiny fluffy dinosaurs#the BEST animals#BAWKtober#asks#long post#demonicchicken1121
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🎀Things I’ve learned about Shifting 🎀
1. Background noise doesn’t matter. I come from a Hispanic family household and let me tell you hun it’s freaking loud as hell. It’s like a zoo lol but guess what? I still shifted. At some point you will start to feel your CR kinda “fade away”. I have been in this state where I am in between my CR and DR. I can hear background noise from my CR but I still feel like I’m in a different room or I hear sounds from my DR as well. Has anyone experienced this?? Let me know, I’m curious 🤨
2. Have patience. Allow yourself to relax and naturally connect to your DR. Don’t stress about having random thoughts or having an itch or things like that. Have patience with yourself like seriously you got this babe. Sometimes for me it’s feels like it’s takes 1 or 2 hours until I feel fully connected to my DR. (It’s different for everyone btw) you may take less time than I do. Those things don’t matter if you decide that those things don’t matter.
3. Methods really aren’t needed. If you think about it all methods consist of the same thing usually. It usually consists of affirmations, visualization, subliminal audios, meditation, counting, blah blah blah. If you want to use a method, then do that but don’t force yourself to do a method that doesn’t resonate with you. If you don’t like counting, then don’t count. If you don’t like visualizing, then don’t visualize. Change things up a bit and listen to music that reminds you of your DR or do something that you think is fun.
4. Just because some people like to lie about their shifting experiences doesn’t mean that shifting is fake. Just like in every community there is going to be people that are dishonest or don’t have the best intentions but that doesn’t mean that shifting is a big inside joke. Don’t allow these people to discourage you from shifting to your DR or make you doubt in its existence. Don’t depend on other people's content to feel motivated or believe in shifting. Just KNOW it’s real and motivate yourself to shift. (even though motivation isn’t needed to shift)
5. Shifting is Real. I think we all should know this by now, but I don’t think people really fully understand just how REAL shifting is. I mean you are going to be able to use all of your senses. You will be able to taste food, see your reflection in the mirror, talk to people that may be considered as fictional in this reality, etc. The process of shifting is safe but if you are shifting somewhere that has violence or gore make sure you script your own well-being. High pain tolerance, no trauma, etc.
6. Time isn't important. Just because it's been 4 years or 5 doesn't mean you can't do it. Time doesn't apply to shifting because time is just man-made thing. We created the concept of time not the Universe. Don't blame the Universe for your "Failure". (Spoiler alert: it's not failure) You just need to realize that no matter what, it will happen. It is completely inevitable. Some people have shifted after 5 years so don't give up! It will be worth it.
7. You can't fail at shifting. When you do your method, you will shift to your DR or shift to your CR. You shift all the time. We are constantly shifting consciously or unconsciously. Manifestation and shifting are very much closely related. (But that's another discussion for another time) Just like how we are manifesting on autopilot we are also shifting on autopilot. So, when you do a sleep method, and you wake up in this reality instead of your DR you still shifted. (Just not to your DR) (Get it?)
I hope you found this post helpful! :)
#affirmations#desired reality#law of the universe#shifting#shifting realities#reality shifting community#reality shift#reality shifting#shifting community#shifters#shiftblr
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「 ✦ Silent treatment. ✦ 」 Mattheo riddle x reader
Summary: Giving Mattheo the silent treatment after an argument wasn't the best idea after all
Words: 5k
Warning: [smut , heavy smut , strong language NSFW]
On days like these, I feel an overwhelming urge to rearrange Mattheo's face. Despite our discussions and my heartfelt pleas, he seems to have a remarkable talent for ignoring everything I say.
The memory of our conversation echoed in my mind: my desperate pleas for him to leave that wretched boy alone, the hollow promises he'd made to appease me.
And now, that very same boy was lying in the hospital. Quite a coincidence, isn't it?
The cold shoulder was the only response I could muster, a potent cocktail of disappointment and anger simmering just beneath.
"Look," he started, a cocky edge to his voice, "that jerk had it coming. You can't just let people walk all over you."
My blood ran cold. He wasn't remorseful, he was proud. My icy glare intensified.
"So you think injuring someone and getting them suspended is the answer?" I countered, my voice laced with controlled fury.
He shrugged, a nonchalant act that did little to hide the flicker of unease in his eyes. "He'll learn his lesson," he muttered, avoiding my gaze.
“ so , are you “ my voice tinged with disappointment as I turned away, leaving him behind. Maybe I wasn't that hungry after all
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"Ah, I see you're in the mood for a silent treatment today," he remarked dryly as he leaned against the nearby wall, his tone laced with sarcasm. "Must be a new strategy in the art of communication, or perhaps it's just your way of keeping things exciting."
"Either way," he continued, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips, "I'm impressed by your dedication to the cause. Who needs words when we can communicate through meaningful silence, right?" His eyes sparkled with amusement as he waited for my response, clearly enjoying the playful banter.
"Meaningful silence?" I scoffed. "That's a new one, Mattheo. Very poetic."
He chuckled, the sound low and rich. "Hey, I'm just trying to keep up with your level of dramatics."
I crossed my arms, feigning offense. "My dramatics? You're the one who turns every situation into a Shakespearean tragedy."
He raised an eyebrow, his smirk widening. "Is that so? Well, I suppose every play needs a leading lady."
I couldn't help but smile despite myself. "And what role do you think you play in this drama?"
He leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. "The charming rogue, of course. The one who keeps the plot interesting."
I shook my head. "You certainly do that, Mattheo. Whether I like it or not."
His grin was infectious. "I'll take that as a compliment. Now, are you ready to break the silence and actually talk to me?"
“actually I have something to do “ i said
As I turned to leave, Mattheo's taunting words followed me. "Ignite me, Lady Macbeth."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Don't flatter yourself," I retorted.
He grabbed my arm lightly as I tried to walk away. "Don't roll your eyes unless you want this conversation to continue somewhere else y/n "
"I have something important to do," I replied coolly, trying to free my arm from his grasp.
He persisted, asking, "Like what?"
"Visiting a patient in the hospital," I said, finally pulling away and smiling.
Mattheo chuckled. "You'll regret this little act, baby."
"I thought we were in a play," I quipped before turning and walking away.
Truth be told, I had no intention of visiting that snobby Gryffindor in the hospital. Mattheo's broken promise irked me, but I couldn't muster any sympathy for the boy who got what he deserved.
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As the days went by, Mattheo's attempts to regain my attention became more evident. He started showing up unexpectedly in places I frequented, always with a casual excuse or a playful remark.
But today , today was something else , he deliberately sat closer to a group of giggling Ravenclaw girls, laughing a little too loudly at their jokes and engaging in animated conversation.
I couldn't help but notice, my eyes flickering over to his table every now and then. It was frustrating how effortlessly he could draw attention, even when he wasn't trying. I busied myself with my own friends, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy that crept into my chest.
However, Mattheo wasn't done with his antics. As the meal progressed, he caught my eye from across the room and winked mischievously. It was a subtle gesture, but it made my heart race in a way I didn't want to admit.
Feeling a surge of annoyance mixed with curiosity, I excused myself from my friends and made my way over to his table. "What's with the show?" I asked, trying to sound unaffected.
Mattheo grinned, leaning back in his chair casually. "Just trying to keep things interesting," he replied with a shrug. "Besides, it's not every day I get to make you jealous."
I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. "You wish."
He chuckled, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "Admit it, you were totally watching ."
“ well played riddle well played “ I walked away
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The days crawled by, each one painted in shades of frosty silence between Matteo and me. Rumors swirled around the school like rogue Bludgers. Had we finally called it quits? The question hung heavy in the air, fueled by Mattheo's brooding demeanor and my own steely resolve.
One particularly dreary afternoon, I found myself drowning my sorrows (or at least trying to ) in a big cup of apple juice in the library. Lost in a dusty tome about ancient magical creatures, I barely registered the approaching figure until a shadow fell across the page.
Looking up, I encountered a smug face I vaguely recognized – Zacharias Clifton, a Quidditch player from Ravenclaw notorious for his greasy hair and even greasier personality. "Mind if I join you, lovely?" he drawled, his voice dripping with a forced charm that made me cringe.
Before I could muster a response, he slid into the seat opposite me, invading my personal space with a confidence that reeked of entitlement. "So, I hear you're single these days," he continued, his eyes gleaming with a predatory glint.
I gritted my teeth, the urge to hex him into a toad growing stronger by the second. Just as I was about to unleash a verbal scathing of epic proportions, a familiar voice cut through the air.
"Actually, Clifton, she's very much taken."
Mattheo stood in the doorway, his usual swagger amplified tenfold. His gaze, however, wasn't directed at Zacharias, but at me. A flicker of something that looked suspiciously like possessiveness crossed his features before he turned his attention back to the unwelcome visitor.
"See your broomstick awaits," Mattheo said, his voice laced with a dangerous edge. "Don't let me keep you from your precious practice."
Zacharias, his face a comical shade of purple, sputtered something incoherent before gathering his dignity (or what little he possessed) and retreating with a disgruntled scowl.
The library door swung shut with a satisfying thud, leaving Mattheo and me alone in the hushed silence. My heart hammered against my ribs, a chaotic rhythm that seemed to echo in the stillness.
Mattheo took a tentative step forward, his hand hovering in the air for a moment before gently settling on the back of my chair. "Can we talk?" he murmured, his voice a husky whisper.
"Yeah, just not here," I managed to get the words out, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Lead the way," he said, his arm tightening around me possessively as we walked out of the library
The anger that had simmered within me for days threatened to fade once I saw him, and it just hit me how much I missed him.
As we made our way to our secret chamber (the hidden chamber we found last year and claimed as ours),tucked away from the curious eyes and whispers of Hogwarts, Mattheo's touch took on a possessive edge. His hands found every excuse to claim me, a silent proclamation to the entire school that I was still his .
With each step down the narrow passage, Mattheo drew me closer, his fingertips tracing tantalizing patterns on my skin. The sensation sent delightful shivers through me, igniting a quiet thrill of belonging in his arms amidst the bustling halls of our magical world.
The soft glow of the hidden chamber beckoned us, casting an enchanting ambiance that mirrored the intimacy between us.
As soon as we were finally in , I turned to him,my voice tinged with anger."What was that all about ? A show for the audience ? "
He met my gaze, a playful glint simmering beneath the surface of his seriousness. "Just reminding everyone that you're happily taken."
"Happily?" I scoffed, pushing against his arm, "We haven't spoken a word to each other in days!"
He leaned even closer, his voice dropping to a husky whisper. "And whose fault is that, love? " His warm breath tickled my ear, sending shivers cascading down my spine.
My cheeks burned, a mixture of annoyance and something else entirely swirling within me. "Yeah, going to blame that all on me now?"
"No," he paused, his eyes searching mine. "I just don’t understand why you're so mad about what I did to that perk."
I sighed, "it’s not about him , Mattheo… You know that," I conceded, my voice softer than I intended. "It’s about the promise you made and broke. You know how much I hate that."
It stirred up emotions I'd rather forget. Let's just say, coming from a family where promises were often broken had its drawbacks.
"So you've chosen to give me the silent treatment instead of talking it out? Is that your solution y/n?"
I scoffed, crossing my arms defensively. "I didn’t expect it to drag on this long. I was upset,but Maybe then I get tired of being treated like an afterthought."
"An afterthought?" he scoffed back, incredulous. "You haven't spoken to me in days!"
"And whose fault is that?" I shot back, my voice rising. "You waltzed over to those Ravenclaw girls like they were the only ones who existed!"
"That was a stupid attempt to get your attention, alright!" he snapped, his frustration boiling over. "I never meant to make you feel like an afterthought."
"But you did!" I yelled, my voice echoing in the damp chamber.
He ran a hand through his hair, his frustration evident. "I messed up, okay? I know that! But instead of talking to me about it, you shut me out."
"And what was I supposed to do?" I countered, my voice softening slightly. "Sit back and watch you flirt with every girl who walks by?"
"It wasn't flirting!" he defended, his voice strained.
"Then what was it?" I challenged, narrowing my eyes. "Because from where I was standing, it looked an awful lot like flirting."
"That's not fair," he said, his voice low. "And what about what you said? Visiting that perk in the hospital? Was that supposed to make me feel better?"
He was so close that I could feel his breath on my face
"Maybe I overreacted about Michael," I mumbled, finally breaking the silence.
"Maybe you did," he agreed cautiously anger in his eyes and lips so close to mine
“it’s really fucking rich of you to push the blame into me “ I screamed in his face frustration boiling over
“yet i was the only one putting in the effort to fix things!” He said back with lips so close to mine
“you didn’t even —” pulling me close. In a rush his lips were on mine I didn’t get to finish the words . It took a few moments for me to come to my senses; letting my eyes flutter closed as i kissed him back. The kiss wasn't gentle or sweet. It was needy and heated as mattheo’s tongue moved against mine.
In an instant, I found myself pressed against the wall, his mouth devouring me hungrily. His hand on the back of my neck drew me closer, while the other rested on my waist, kneading the flesh there. He pulled away slightly, speaking against my lips “ jump”He ordered, and I complied wrapping my legs around him
"Mattheo—" He silenced me once more with a kiss.
His black hair was hanging down into his face, so i pushed it back.
As he ended the kiss, his hands reached for my robe, tossing it aside. Next, his fingers trailed to the hem of my shirt, pulling it upward. Throughout, his gaze remained locked with mine as he removed the shirt, adding it to the pile on the ground. . “If you just wanted a dirty fuck , you should have just asked”
Gently placing me on the bed, he observed as I sank into the soft sheets. He removed his shirt and joined me, straddling my hips without a word. His eyes held mine as he pushed up my skirt. "This stays," he stated firmly, maintaining direct eye contact.
He then moved to hook his fingers in the waistband of my underwear. Slowly, he pulled down the lace material, causing me to close my eyes in response to the sensation.
"Matt, what are you doing?" I asked breathlessly, feeling his warm breath against my thighs.
His hands glided up and down my thighs, eliciting a soft moan from me as I savored the sensation of his skin against mine. It had only been a week, but I missed this closeness immensely.
My eyes flew open as his hands gently spread my legs, his face drawing closer between my thighs.“ You’re so wet for me.” he chuckled cockily “ i this a new kink we just discovered “
“you’re so full of Yourself .” I didn’t help the smile that comes
“and you’re about to be full of me, so what does that make us?” He Murmuring as His hands wrapped around my thighs, pulling me closer to his mouth.
“ Merlin's Beard! “I moaned so loudly
never breaking eye contact as his tongue lapped at my wetness. I moaned loudly, the sensation overwhelming me as Matt's tongue explored my wetness. Each flick of his tongue and gentle suck sent waves of pleasure coursing through my body, making me tremble beneath him. My heart raced, the sound echoing in my ears as I expressed how much I had missed him.
"God, Matt, I missed you so much," I moaned, my mouth agape and my toes curling into the sheets. My hands instinctively tangled in his hair, urging him on with each movement. I cried out his name as the intensity built, feeling like I was on the brink of ecstasy.
But then, it stopped.
Confused and desperate, I lifted my head from the pillow, tears in my eyes as I struggled to catch my breath. "Why... why did you stop?" I cried out, my voice a mixture of frustration and need.
Matt flashed me an amused smile, teasing me further with a kiss to my aching clit. My breathing quickened again as he kissed along my inner thigh, deliberately avoiding where I wanted him most.
"Matt," I whimpered, regretting the frustration I must have caused him. His kisses trailed back up my body until he was face to face with me, watching me quiver beneath him.
"Please," I begged softly, feeling the desperation creeping into my voice.
“ what is it my sweet girl? “ He brushed my hair aside and planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. "You've been teasing me all week," he murmured, his eyes filled with desire. "Wearing those short skirts, laughing with my friends, giving me the silent treatment."
He kissed me again, his touch sending shivers down my spine. "I've wanted nothing more than to take you right then and there , to fuck you senseless that my name will be the only thing you remember " he confessed, his voice husky with desire.
His lips trailed down to my earlobe, where he bit it softly, eliciting another moan from me. His mouth continued its journey, claiming every inch of my body with his tongue and teeth, until he reached my chest.
I arched back, silently pleading for his attention on my breasts. With a teasing hook of his finger, he slid down the neckline of my top, removing the lace of my bra in the process. His mouth captured one nipple, sucking slowly while his free hand caressed the other.
His actions sent shivers down my spine as he licked, sucked, and bit, creating a delicious rhythm that had me gasping for more.
"I'm sorry," I cried out, tears welling up in my eyes. "I missed you so much, and seeing you laughing with those girls hurt."
"I know, my sweet girl, I know," he whispered, his head buried between my legs once more. "Let me make it up to you."
With renewed fervor, he sucked harshly on my clit, his fingers pumping in and out of me rhythmically. The combination of sensations overwhelmed me, and I couldn't help but moan in pleasure.
As my body reached its peak, I gripped his hands tightly, feeling the fluttering release of my orgasm. I moaned his name loudly, I moaned his name probably too loudly for ghosts in the castle liking, pulled him up for a passionate kiss, savoring the taste of myself on his lips.
“Turn around,” he says,
I obeyed his command to turn around, and he slowly unpinned my hair, letting it cascade down my back in loose waves. He pushed it over one shoulder with deliberate care, his fingers trailing down my spine, igniting goosebumps along my skin , his fingers trailing down my spine, brushing the skin on my back.
His lips found their way to my neck, planting soft kisses that trailed down to my shoulder. Then, I felt his fingertips running along my skin again, sending a shiver of anticipation through me. His touch entered my hot, dripping core, and I couldn't help but let out a loud moan, begging for more.
"Do you like that?" he asked, his voice filled with desire.
"Yeah," I managed to say between moans.
“Is this why you were shouting nonsense at me? Because all you really wanted was me to fuck you senseless? Huh?” His words were like fire, and as he added another finger, I couldn't help but scream in pleasure.
continued to pump his fingers into me, increasing the intensity with each stroke. his finger got faster and faster His thumb pressed onto my clit, sending waves of pleasure through my body, gripping the bedding hard as the third finger carefully joins the others hitting my g-spot continuously , trying to close my legs, his free hand keep them parted I felt my orgasm building stronger than ever before, my body unable to contain the pleasure.
He turned me around, kissing my cheek softly before returning to my open mouth, sucking my bottom lip between his own. "That was so hot," he grunted, concern lacing his tone. "Are you alright baby ?"
I took a moment to gather my thoughts, my chest heaving with each breath. Despite the intensity of the moment, my predominant feeling was one of satisfaction and desire.I hummed
“ need words my love “
"Yes Matt I’m alright " I managed to say, pulling him down for a deep, passionate kiss.
His hips pressed against mine as we kissed, his covered arousal rubbing against my heat, sending a surge of desire through me. I trailed my hands down his muscular back until I reached the waistband of his sweatpants.
"Baby, stop," he murmured, concern lacing his tone. "Are you sure you want to keep going? I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed."
"I've never been more sure about anything," I whispered, kissing his cheek. "I missed you, I want you."
He moaned as I touched his erect member through the fabric, his breath hitching slightly. "You need to stop, love," he managed to say, his voice strained with desire.
"Sorry," I replied, pulling my hands away quickly. He leaned down to kiss my neck softly, causing me to close my eyes and wrap my arms around him.
"You never have to apologize," he whispered against my earlobe before whispering, "I’m going to make love to you," and pressing his lips to mine in tender kisses. then onc again pressing his lips to mine in sweet, sweet kisses.
one of my favourite thing about mattheo is how gentle he can be. He can be so passionate when he wants to and right now i can feel the love behind his kisses.
Feeling his cock tapping against my clit a few times, I couldn't help but let out a moan as he guided himself into me. Taking hold of my leg again, he used them both as leverage to push himself fully inside me. I moaned into his ear, my breath hitching in anticipation.
"Fuck," I whispered, watching him mutter under his breath as he slid in and out of me slowly. The sensation was incredible; I could feel every inch of him dragging over my most sensitive parts.
"Keep those pretty eyes on me, baby," he whispered, and I opened my teary eyes slowly, doing as he said. He smiled, his gaze filled with desire. "That's it, good girl ."
Still buried deep inside me, his movements began to pick up speed. My breath caught in my throat as pleasure surged through me.
"Oh," I gasped, my head dropping back as my mouth fell open in pleasure.
"You feel so fucking good," he grunted with each thrust. "So fucking mine."
I hummed in response, words escaping me as Mattheo continued to drive me wild. With each thrust, my moans grew louder, reaching a crescendo of pleasure.
"Mattheo," I moaned, his name leaving my lips like a prayer.
"That's it, baby," he replied, his lips devouring mine softly. "So beautiful, moaning my name like that."
With a gentle touch, he pushed my hair out of my face before placing his hands on my cheeks. His eyes roamed my face while he continued to thrust into me at a slow, deliberate pace. I looked at him with half-lidded eyes, my chest rising and falling with rapid breaths.
As he started to thrust harder, I grabbed a fistful of the sheets, feeling the intensity building within me. His hips bucked against me, his face buried in the crook of my neck. The faster pace and increased pressure caused my eyes to roll back in my head. I was on the edge of my high, having come so close moments earlier.
"Mattheo, I can't wait any longer," I screamed out, wrapping my legs around his torso tightly and intertwining our hands.
"Not yet," he grunted, turning his head to meet my gaze. He continued to move in and out of me, keeping eye contact as he held himself up by his forearms. I was so sensitive that the delay in my orgasm began to ache, and I felt the need to let go.
"Please, let me cum, baby," I pleaded, sounded desperate, begging him not to pull away at the last minute again. "I can't..."
And just as I was about to reach my breaking point, he freed one of his hands and snuck it between us, his fingers expertly rubbing at my clit and pushing me over the edge.
"I need you to do something for me, pretty girl. Want to try something?" he asked, and I nodded, willing to do anything he asked in that moment.
He kept everything slow, almost torturous, building up the tightening pressure inside of me with each pass before thrusting so hard the next time that I felt like I was going to pass out.
"Don't be nervous," he murmured, kissing my forehead. "Just relax and let go. I'll keep going until you tell me to stop." His soft tone sent flutters through my heart, and I nodded in response.
My breath hitched as his hand returned to my clit, igniting a fire in my belly. His hard thrusts hit my g-spot, and I screamed out, clinging onto his hand as if my life depended on it.
"Shit," I hissed, feeling him deep inside me, the pleasure building into a heavy weight in my gut. A tingling sensation hummed through my limbs.
"Let go, baby," he ordered, and I did just that as waves of pleasure crashed over me. It was an intense release unlike anything I'd ever felt before, leaving me shakily tilting my head up, tears in my eyes as I watched clear fluid gushing out of me each time Mattheo pulled back.
When he noticed me watching, he withdrew entirely, bringing his soaked fingers to my clit and rubbing fast circles that made me cry out loudly as my muscles spasmed again. Without his presence inside me, an unbroken stream of fluid rushed out, spraying over the bed sheets.
"Oh my god," I whimpered, needing a moment to focus on the overwhelming sensations. Mattheo made a noise of appreciation, reentering me, the wet sounds now more intense as he pushed in again.
"That's my good girl, you just squirted for me, baby. See how good you are," he praised, his words adding to the intensity of the moment.rl you just squirt for me baby see how good you are ”
Pounding into my g-spot hard enough to make my legs shake, he elicited another wave of pleasure that rolled through me. Instinctively, my body responded to Mattheo's instructions, bursts of arousal shooting out of me as I moaned softly with each pump of his hand.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I gasped in sync with his movements.
"Holy shit," Mattheo rasped as he drew his fingers out again, groaning when he returned to my clit and easily worked even more wetness out of me. "You just keep fucking cuming, baby."
I could barely process what he was saying. "Please, cum inside me, Matt," I wanted to mention that I finally got on pills this week but couldn't find the energy to.
"Yeah?" He breathed, "Want me to cum inside this pretty pussy?" Thrusting hard, his fingers still circling my clit, I moaned out his name as I squirted again and again. My pussy started to quiver as he continued to fuck me through it, crying out loudly when I felt him coming inside me as well.
Wetness splashed out of me in endless spurts, soaking my cunt, his hand, and the bed. It felt like I was coming for hours, amazed at what my body was capable of.
"You okay, my love?" He asked, concern evident in his voice as he looked down at me. My eyes were closed, and I gave no indication that I was listening to him, feeling like I had passed out for a second.
"Hey angel, open your eyes to me, please," Mattheo implored, kissing my cheeks and rubbing his thumb soothingly.
"Yeah, I just need a moment," I managed to whisper, feeling drained. "I think you ruined me, Matt," I added with a weak smile.
He chuckled softly, giving me kisses all over my face. "Yeah?" he teased.
"In a good way though," I reassured him.
With a small grunt, Mattheo pushed himself off of me and sat up from the bed. I reached out for him, not wanting him to leave my side yet. He chuckled at my antics, lightly grasping my hand and stroking my fingers before letting it go and stepping away.
"Just going to grab a few things to clean you up, love. I promise I’ll be right back," he assured me.
Nodding, I closed my eyes again, too exhausted to do anything else.
"I brought you some water, darling. You should drink a little," he said as he sat back down on the bed next to me, helping me sit up a bit. I complied lazily, sipping from the glass he held against my lips.
"Now, spread your legs a little, sweetheart. I need to clean you up. Not too sore?" He asked as he gently cleaned me up with a washcloth, my body still sensitive .
As he cleaned me up and tidied the sheets, I felt sleep starting to take over me, comforted by his warmth and embrace. He kissed my face a few times and chuckled softly before I finally drifted off to sleep, feeling content and loved.
"I don’t think I would ever be able to walk again," I joked softly .
"I would carry you then," he replied affectionately.
"Since it’s all your fault, so yes," I teased, feeling a mix of emotions.
"I’m so sorry," he apologized sincerely
"Matt—"
"No, listen. I’m really sorry for everything. It was all my fault from the start. I shouldn’t have promised you that and then go and break it the next day," he admitted regretfully.
“ I’m so sorry too “ I hugged him tightly, hiding my face in his neck as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling the blanket over us.
"Can we sleep here tonight?" I asked, wanting to be close to him.
"We can do anything you want, baby. I will do whatever you want," he promised, kissing my forehead.
"I love you so, so much," I whispered, feeling sleepiness creeping in.
"I love you so much too, my love," he replied, kissing my forehead back.
"Baby?" he said after a moment.
"Yeah?" I replied, feeling sleepy.
"Did you ever think about kids?" he asked, surprising me.
I laughed softly. "What?"he said
"I’m on pills, baby. I finally managed to get them," I explained, resting my head on his chest as I got ready to sleep.
"Baby?" he said again, and I hummed in response.
"Just for your information, I’m going to hit that Zacharias boy so hard tomorrow he can join Michael in the hospital, and Michael doesn’t have to feel lonely anymore. I’m telling you now,"
"I was thinking about hexing him into a toad, but we can decide tomorrow," laughing while giving him one last kiss I said .
#mattheoxreader#masterlist#mattheo riddle masterlist#mattheo riddle imagine#mattheo smut#mattheo riddle smut#mattheo riddle x reader#mattheo riddle#slytherin boys x you#slytherin boys x reader#slytherin boys
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simon "ghost" riley — nsfw headcanons
— gender-neutral nicknames, gender-neutral anatomy, only pronouns used are you, etc.
simon who can't stop himself from making sounds, burying his face in your neck to at least try to do that. soft moans and groans with each thrust, praises falling from his lips every few seconds.
simon who loves to hear your gasps and moans, hating when you try to stay quiet. always encourages you to keep going, to be louder.
simon who hates when you think too much about the way your body looks, how it folds in certain places. he'll praise those parts the most, lingering his fingers over them and kiss them until you forget about any insecurities.
simon who is just obsessed with kissing you. your cheeks, forehead, nose. those innocent little pecks are his second favorite. the absolute winner is obviously your lips, slowly moving against his.
simon who loves to see the mess you two are creating, watching how your combined slick sticks to his hairy thighs.
simon who bites into your shoulder when he's getting close, not too hard. just enough to leave a mark and help him collect his thoughts, keeping the amazing pace of his hips rolling against yours.
simon who adores watching you touch yourself. loves the way you spread your legs and let him watch, especially if you want him to guide you.
simon who chuckles when he gets overstimulated. sometimes he just breaks in the middle of speeding up his thrusts, eyes closed and hazed as he chuckles, too sexdrunk to form sentences.
simon who prefers getting handjobs over blowjobs. he just loves the intimacy of it and how he can hear you talk him through it. is obsessed if you just fondle the tip, the sounds of his precum filling the room.
simon who finds some sort of comfort if you don't shave. seeing your body hair or caressing it with his palms helps him to calm down.
simon who loves casual intimacy that doesn't exactly lead to sex. playing with your nipples while you two are watching a movie or slipping his hand under your shorts while you're washing the dishes.
simon who loves sex in the morning, especially when he has to wake up sooner than you. just the tiniest shifting of him trying to get up makes you wake up too, he apologizes with the sweetest words and starts kissing your neck. after you two are done, he cleans you up and allows you to go back to sleep before he leaves to take a shower.
simon who gets too overwhelmed sometimes. especially if you're together for a long time, he finds himself rambling in your aftercare time, sometimes a few tears will build up in the corners of his eyes while he tells you how good you've been to him. he's just so lucky to have you, so happy.
simon who loves aftercare in general and finds it extremely important. especially if you went through a rougher session. makes sure you're not too sore or you don't regret anything. water and snacks are his favorite part, just eating and enjoying each other's company.
simon who is too touch-starved after he's back from deployment. the first time you have sex when he's back he cums so fast he's almost ashamed of it. you just make him feel too good. after he calms down he makes up for all the time you two lost.
simon who loves the intimacy and vulnerability of giving you head. he gets so lost in your taste and the way you squeeze your thighs around his head.
simon who loves the marks you leave on him, especially when they're somewhere hidden. adores the sting of your nails digging into his forearms or thighs.
simon who loves to involve your inside jokes in dirty talk. he can't explain it but it just makes the whole thing more personal, a special moment between two lovers
masterlist | request info
#simon riley#simon ghost riley#simon ghost riley cod#simon riley cod#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x reader#simon riley x gn!reader#gender neutral reader#cod mw2#cod mwii#headcanons#smut#headcanon#cod ghost#ghost x reader#riri writes
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🎀”Could you hold me through the night? Put your lips all over my salty face when I start crying.”🎀
LOWKEY BASED OFF THAT ONE LINE IN HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS BY MELANIE MARTINEZ AYEEEE
Pairing : Niki Nishimura x reader🎀
Genre : Fluff🤍
Summary : You were dealing with sleep issues and major depression but didn't tell your busy boyfriend, Niki. When he finally had a day off from his extremely busy schedule, he decided to spend it with you.
WARNINGS : mentions of not eating and depression
•
•
As you and your boyfriend strolled hand in hand through the busy mall, it was way quieter than usual. Niki, your boyfriend, noticed you were walking a bit slower and not really saying much.
Usually you were always talking about recent things that happened or just anything really, but the silence between you both was agonizing. Niki gently squeezed your hand, concern etched across his face. "Y/n, you seem really off. Is something bothering you?" he asked, his eyes searching yours. You sighed, feeling the weight of exhaustion and emotions. “Nope. Perfectly fine." The lack of sleep, with only an hour in the past day, had left its mark on both your physical and emotional well-being. A warm smile crossed Niki's face as he suggested, "Okay. What do you want to check out first?"
"Whatever…" you bluntly replied, your mind preoccupied with the internal struggle you were facing.
“Alright, let’s get some food then.” Niki responded.
You found a spot to sit in the food court. The aroma of fresh food flooded your nose. “What do you want to eat ,love?” Niki asked with a gentle expression. “I’m okay. I ate before you picked me up.” You lied. It had actually been a day since you ate. “Aw, what? But it’s so fun when we eat together y/n. We always have memorable moments.”Niki spoke softly. You shrugged your shoulders, “I’m just not hungry right now.”
“Oh, okay. We can go somewhere else. What's that store you wanted to check out?" Niki asked, trying to recall. You hesitated and finally said, "Can you just take me home?" Avoiding his gaze, you feared his reaction. Niki gently held your hands, his eyes softening. "I thought you loved shopping, which was why I proposed we come here on my day off.” He rubbed his thumb over your hands. His caring words resonated with you, but you didn't want to burden him. "Okay. Let's go home then. Maybe we can talk about it," he suggested, his warmth persistent.
Truth be told, you didn't want to talk about it. You knew it would worry him, and you didn't want him to miss important practices.
"Can you just drop me off? I need some time alone," you requested, meeting Niki's gaze. Concern crept into his tone as he asked, "Is however you're feeling my fault?"
You reassured him, "No, not at all. I just don't feel like doing anything today." A heavy sigh escaped your lips. Niki's worry lingered, "Alright. I'll take you home then." The car ride back was silent. The only sound was the light rain hitting the windows. You avoided looking at him the entire time.
Upon arriving home, he stepped out of the car with you. "Come here," he gently urged. You walked over, and his arms enveloped your body in a warm, comforting embrace. The light drizzle outside added a soothing touch to the moment. "I'll give you as much time alone as you need. Text me if you need anything," he said, pressing a soft peck to your forehead before letting you retreat into the comfort of your home.
As you stepped inside, the floodgates of emotion burst open, and sobs wracked your body. You had held back your tears the entire time, not wanting to burden your caring boyfriend. The realization of how he had been nothing but gentle and understanding intensified your guilt – it felt like you were treating him like garbage.
After letting out the pent-up emotions, you gathered yourself and headed to the living room. Determined to distract your mind, you sat down to finish up some college work.
You intentionally avoided checking your phone, aware of Niki's concerns, and not wanting to add to his worry. Focusing on your assignments, you dedicated about 5 hours to your work. Once you completed your tasks, you decided to take a shower. The warm water cascaded, soothing your nerves, and for a brief moment, you found a sense of peace.
Following your shower, you slipped into an oversized tee paired with adorable Hello Kitty pajama shorts. As you settled into bed, the room basked in a gentle glow from your small TV. However, overthinking took hold, and tears streamed down your flushed cheeks. The weight of your tired eyes intensified the pain of crying, and for a moment, you found yourself dissociating.
•
•
In the midst of your sob session, there was an unexpected knock on the door. Startled, you wiped away the tears. You lived in a pretty scary neighborhood and you assumed it could be anyone. You cautiously peaked out the window and realized it was your loving boyfriend Niki. You cautiously unlocked the door, worried of what he would say. Maybe he came to break up with you.
As you opened the door, a sight greeted you – Niki, drenched from the rain. "Sorry for pulling up unexpectedly. I was worried about you," he admitted with a nervous chuckle. In one hand, he held a bouquet of roses, and in the other, a bag full of snacks. Niki's presence in your doorway was like a breath of fresh air. His eyes locked onto your puffy red eyes, and his face swiftly transitioned into a concerned expression. "Have you been crying?" he asked, genuine worry evident in his voice. Without waiting for an answer, he let himself in, placing the roses and snacks on the table. His gaze softened as he approached you. He took off his damp hoodie and quickly wrapped his arms around you. "I brought your favorites. Thought we could just hang out, talk, or not talk—whatever you need," Niki offered. Feeling a mix of emotions, You began to cry again. You cried into his shoulder, probably getting tears and snot all over him. His hand caressed your hair. He peppered gentle kisses on the top of your head. “You can talk to me about it when you’re ready.” He said, stroking the back of your hair.
"Have you eaten?" Niki asked, concern evident in his eyes. You shook your head no. "Okay, well, I know it's not a proper meal, but I brought you some snacks, so eat up, Y/n," he said with a warm smile, handing you the bag of snacks. "I'm... not really hungry," you admitted with a sigh.
"Come here. Sit next to me," he invited, taking a seat at your kitchen table. "Okay, which one do you want to try first? I brought chocolate and strawberry Pocky," he said, grabbing the boxes of snacks. "Niki, I don't..." you began, but he interrupted .
“Don't. Give me that. I know you, Y/n. I'm gonna feed you," he insisted with a teasing smile. "Oh, okay, then. Strawberry, please," you smiled, letting him take care of you in this simple, comforting way.
After sharing snacks, You and Niki were now laying in your bed together. Limbs tangled together and wrapped in his embrace. The weight on your shoulders began to decrease. “Your hair smells good.” he giggled, and you couldn't resist smiling at the adorable scrunch of his nose when he laughed.
In the quiet intimacy, you found the courage to share your struggles. "The reason I was acting so weird lately is because I've been super depressed," you confessed , breaking the silence. "I haven't felt like myself in a while. I just... didn't want to tell you because I know how worried you get. I didn't want to be a burden on you,".
Niki's gaze softened, a warm and gentle look in his eyes. His hand reached up to cup your face, and his thumb caressed your lips. "Darling, you would never be a burden on me. No matter what you go through, I want you to tell me. You worried me this week," he reassured, his sincerity echoing in the dimly lit room. “Our texts were getting shorter and so were our calls. It scared me.” Niki’s eyes began to get watery.
"I'm sorry," you apologized, the hurt evident in your voice. Niki gently interrupted, "Everything's going to be okay now. I'm here. Tell me everything." He placed a comforting kiss on your lips, and his words continued like a soothing melody. "You're such a strong, beautiful girl. How did I get so lucky?" he said, showering kisses on your cheeks.
The warmth of your boyfriend enveloped you, inducing a sense of drowsiness. “Niki I haven’t been able to get a proper sleep for about a week now, but just being here with you is making me so sleepy.” You chuckled, a yawn escaping your lips. “Okay. I’ll be here all tomorrow then too. Go to sleep , mkay love? I’ll hold you all night and make sure you’re safe.” He placed a small kiss to the bridge of your nose.
You were finally able to drift into a peaceful slumber.
(A/n : I have to go to school today oh hell no💀 time to interact with oversized rats all day 👎lmk if u fw this tho🎀🎀 I love y’all Fr !!! y’all hype my stuff up and it makes my whole week 😘😘😘)
#enha imagines#enha#enha x reader#enhypen#enhypen scenarios#enhypen x reader#enha fluff#enha niki#enha riki#enha scenarios#nishimura niki#niki nishimura#riki nishimura x reader#nishimura riki#riki fluff#enhypen riki#riki x reader#riki x you#riki x y/n#enhypen niki#niki fluff#niki x reader#niki imagines#niki#enha fanfic#fluff#enhypen fluff#Spotify
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Saw alotta dis so uhh.. Is aether an option by any chance?
The creator had:
Twin blonds
WC: 900~
I actually really like aether, I tend to characterize him as rather wholesome, at least in his traveler form.
I'm sure that traveler aether would be so much shier about his attraction that you would have to start any intimate interaction while abyss aether is more forward with his attraction.
“Thanks for the help traveler, without your help we wouldn't be able to hold the celebration” Aether is famously known across teyvat for how helpful he is, always so eager to take the load off of anyone's shoulders.
“let me give you a reward"
“Hm? Ningguang already gave me the reward” looks at you curiously, maybe there was a mistake while arranging this? After all, the commission was a last second thing.
“I know that, I meant a more personal reward, only if you wanted” finally noticing the innuendo he swallows hard, swiftly looking over at paimon to find her swallowing canapes and desserts but seemingly the time he spent thinking about it made you think it was a refusal “oh, well, nevermind, let's enjoy the party” you pass bye him towards the entrance but he stops you, a firm hand around your arm.
“I didn't mean it like I don't want, I just… Didn't expect it, I guess” seeing him so cute you can't help yourself and lean forward, your lips half open, an invitation that he soon takes.
A while later you both appear in the party, alibis pointing to each other being somewhere different.
“didnt expect you to come here so soon” as you open the door you see the prince standing in the middle of your room, an almost indistinguishable shape amongst the shadows.
“I would say the same. I would have expected you to stay in the party for a while longer, your grace”
Your hands signal a burgundy splatter on the top “drunkard's accidents. I came to clean myself” you walk the the wardrobe, pulling another tunic from there “I also saw a hydro mage in the garden from one of the second floor windows and guessed your would be here or arrive soon”
He sighs sitting down on your bed “I held some hope they would be more careful with this mission but seems I was wrong. I hoped I would be able to talk with you when you came after the party”
“almost everyone is drunk and I greeted everyone important, I can spare some minutes"
“I will make sure to use them wisely then”
“Won't you even tell me where your lover is from?” Nahida is sitting criss-cross playing stacking cubes with the blond children, a set of twins.
“I’m sorry but I won't” you see her shoulders slouch while she builds a block tower with the twins, almost disappointed.
“Could it be kaveh? They are blond like him” she pops up an idea, seeing how fixated the girl twin was with building the tallest column and how the boy was focus.
“Fine, will tell you he isn't from Sumeru” even if she seemed bummed out about it at least she sighed and stretched her legs.
“Well… technically his mom is fontanian now so maybe...”
“It's not kaveh.”
“Finee”
“Such energetic toddlers” Raiden watches from the top of the stairs, two eleven month olds trying to learn how to walk and repetitively failing and rising to try again.
“Yes, I had to get a nanny for each if them, whenever I left them in their playpen at least one would sneak out and start crawling around, I was worried they would try to go up the stairs and hurt themselves”
“Ah!” The boy yelps as he manages to stand up for a second but falls down after attempting his first step. Before he starts wailing his sister pats his back.
“ I will miss him” Nahida pouts, her eyes almost glassing over. The twins had reunited at last and left, not without giving all a hug, yours being particularly long and specially melancholic.
“You know” you say as you put your hand on her head, the archons standing alongside you “we will have something to remind us of him” she looks up at you curiously with her wet eyes.
“indeed, the changes they produced in our nations won't be easily forgotten and we will be able to remember him because of it”
“That might be true, zhongli, but I meant something else, something that will grow alongside us” nobody said a word, the meaning totally understood by all of them. Nahida hugs your leg and zhongli rests a hand on your shoulder blade.
“Prince did you manage to make the purest grace to agre with our plan and make the nations surrender?” a cryo mage speaks the next morning, rubbing his hands together.
“I didn't manage to cramp that in, when their grace wasn't present people started looking for them”
“I understand…” even if he wanted to doubt him what he did in that while he knew that wouldn't end nicely for him.
“Aetherrr”paimon whines over his shoulder, tugging the loose hairs behind his ears “we spent 20 minutes looking at toys”
“I want to give nice and thoughtful gifts to their grace's children” aether ignores her, still wondering if buying more furniture for their dollhouse or a Natlan sport ball. Both of them play doll house and football but which would be best?
“Just give them whatever, I doubt anyone would spend so much thinking about their gift. Just because they are twins and you are a twin doesn't mean you share any special link”
“yeah, you are right” it's not because of that reason that he is so focused but at least it works as a common excuse of seeing himself and his lost sister in them.
“Now will you hurry?”
“Haha, no”
#genshin impact#gi#sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin x reader#genshin aether#aether x reader#aether#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact headcanons#genshin x reader#genshin x gender neutral reader
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When in Doubt, Blame Damian | Jason x Reader
ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ࣪˖⤷ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ ࣪ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ˖ ⤷
Pairing: Jason Todd x GN! Reader
WC: 928
CW: Swearing, over thinking. It’s mostly kinda fluffy. No use of Y/N.
Author's Note: I got this idea while giving my dog a bath sooo here you go idk lol hope you like it🖤
Summary: You get a dog!! … but you didn’t tell Jason.
Not my picture
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You blamed Damian.
You normally blame Damian for a lot. More than you're willing to admit, sometimes for stuff he wasn't even involved in.
But this time you think it's actually his fault.
How could you not blame him? If he hadn't asked for a ride to the pet store. If he didn't insist that Titus absolutely needed a new friend. If he never put that little puppy in your arms basically forcing you to fall in love with the little baby that was giving you kisses, then you wouldn't be here right now.
You wouldn't be in yours and your boyfriend's apartment trying to figure out how to tell said boyfriend that you guys now had a dog.
Would Jason be mad? Honestly? You didn't know. The topic of getting a dog or a cat has came up a few times.
He would usually say things like ‘Maybe’ or ‘Now's just probably not a good time’ it was never a definite yes or no.
So maybe it wouldn't be that bad, you thought to yourself trying to give yourself some confidence.
I mean it was your apartment too. You contributed. And it would feel nice to have something to keep you company while Jason was on patrol or had to go somewhere for a while.
You'd hyped yourself up at this point you had some good arguments lined up for why it was a good idea.
You felt confident about your choice, especially when you looked down at the little puppy sleeping peacefully in his bed that was in your shared bedroom. You got this, you told yourself and you really believed that. You genuinely did.
That was until you heard the front door unlock.
You rush out the room, closing the door softly trying not to wake up the puppy.
You walked into the living room to greet Jason who was out all morning and most of the afternoon training with Dick, Cass and Duke.
“Hey Jay.” You say giving him a soft kiss.
“Hi my love. How was your day?”
Jason says, giving you a tight hug, holding you for a moment.
“Umm it was you know. It was fine. Hung out with Dames. Nothing crazy you know? How about you?”
You rambled pulling away from Jason trying not to sound suspicious while walking to the couch in the living room.
Jason gives you a questioning look but ends up just dropping it and following you to the couch.
“It was fine. Just the normal shit. I missed you though.”
Jay pulls you into him while giving you a kiss on your head. You feel kinda guilty at this point.
You don't like keeping things from Jason. He has a lot of trust issues so it was important that you guys had a lot of honesty and communication in your relationship.
You pull away from Jason and look at him, giving him a slightly guilty look.
“Jay, I have something to tell you. Don't be mad.”
“Did something happen when you were out with the Demon Spawn? Did he do something? What did he say? I'm gonna kick that little brats ass.”
Jason runs his hand through his hair already mad at Damian for whatever Jason thinks he did.
“Jay calm down Dames didn't technically do anything. I did something, and before you get mad-”
You were interrupted when you heard a puppy bark and a slight clawing sound at the bedroom door and judging by Jasons face he also heard it.
“What was that?”
“What was what?”
You give a little chuckle, now trying to play it off. Hoping that this isn't how Jason finds out but knowing that it is.
“Babe Is there a dog here?”
“Um technically..? Yes?”
Jason sighs and gets up to the bedroom and opens the door letting the dog run up to you as he tries to climb up on you. You pick him up, putting him on your lap while he starts playing with your hand.
“Babe, who’s dog is that?”
“Umm… Ours?”
“When did we get a dog?”
Jason says wide eyed and raises his eyebrows at you.
“It's all Damian's fault! He told me how lonely Titus gets sometimes and I felt bad and just look at how cute he is!”
You try to explain picking the dog up so Jason can look at him.
“Don't be mad jay..”
You say putting the puppy on the floor so he can run around a little all while you look extremely guilty.
“Mad? Why would I be mad? Wait baby, is this what you were trying to tell me?”
Jason says sitting next to you on the couch while looking at you concerned.
“Yes… I felt bad making a choice like that without you and I know how you don't like it when people hide stuff from you and I just don't want to make you mad.”
“Baby, I'm not mad. I'm not thrilled that you got a dog without me, especially because it was with the Demon Spawn. But I'm not mad.”
Jason says pulling you into him kissing the top of your head.
“You're not mad? Really?”
“I can't be mad at you baby. You mean everything to me.”
Jason says while the puppy runs up to you guys laying down at your feet.
“I'm still sorry Jay.”
“I know you are, baby. It's okay, promise. Now what's this little guy's name?”
Jason says picking up the puppy and looking at his face while you smile at them.
Maybe you shouldn't blame Damian… this time.
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#jason todd x reader#jasontodd#jason todd#red hood x reader#redhood#red hood#batfam#x reader#dcu x reader#dcu#dc comics#dick grayson#damian wayne#cassandra cain#duke thomas#stephanie brown#barbara gordon#tim drake#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#nightwing#robin#black bat#signal#spoiler#oracle#red robin#batman#dog
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sk!manager!azul who offers to eat you out after you get very stressful from idol activities 😳😳😳😳
👁 👁 he gives you the whole "benefits of being sexually active as proven by science" spiel so you're more likely to agree. That, and it would be much harder to do this with just anyone or someone just as famous as yourself. No one has to know. This will be a secret between idol and manager. Even though you seem somewhat hesitant, he insists you'll feel better. Just let your manager soothe you. You're in capable hands. <3 he's so trustworthy! And hasn't he only ever wanted what's best for you?
Now his head is between your legs and he's lapping and suckling at your clit like an expert, working you open with two fingers. He alternates between fingers and mouth, and any reluctance you may have felt in the beginning quickly withers away. Within no time, you're burying your fingers in his hair and clamping your thighs together to keep him trapped there. He's removed his glasses so they won't get in the way, and every now and then the both of you meet each other's stare. You've never noticed just how beautiful his eyes are. So striking. So hypnotic,,, your brain is mush by your third orgasm, and you're panting and gasping, begging him to keep going. Not like he intends to stop. He's wanted this for years and now he finally has it. Of course he's going to be greedy!
You're not really listening to yourself when you ask him if he's dating or married. You never hear much about your manager's personal life even though he seems to know so much of yours. Azul hums against your slick cunt. Would you be upset if he was? Would you like to put a ring on him? Should he just propose to you now?
If only all of those loser fans of yours knew what you were getting up to right now. All of that nonsense about being a pure idol free of romantic entanglements and here you on squirting for him like the slutty idol you really are. :) you're just too cute. He wants you all to himself, and soon he'll have you. Soon the two of you will live a peaceful life in isolation. Somewhere quiet and slow by the sea. Doesn't that sound marvelous?
He's killed for you. Stalked you. Fucked into his hand while listening to the voicemails you'd leave him on his work phone: "Hi, Azul! Vil and I are thinking of doing a collab. Could you help me arrange something?" or "Azul, sorry for calling so late. I just remembered something important. Can you review my schedule with me again? I think I'm forgetting something you mentioned earlier today..." or "Would it look weird if I started studying to get my driver's license? Do you think that would get me in trouble? Actually, maybe we should just meet up and talk about it in person... Thanks anyways, Azul!"
You're just so perfect. Even these strictly professional voicemails are hailed as the sweetest songs. He's so depraved. Nothing like the composed, cordial manager he masquerades as. Would you hate him if you knew that? Would you look at him differently? Would you stop saying his name in that sweet, breathless voice of yours as he brings you to your end once more? Maybe it's best if you don't know. He's worked so hard to get to this point. It would be a shame to ruin things now.
Besides, what you don't know can't hurt you.
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Hello! Can I ask for general relationship headcannons with Mammon from helluva? I know he's toxic but I just love this bastard and his australian accent lol.
General Mammon SFW Relationship Hcs pt.1
Note: YESS TYSM FOR REQUESTING THIS!! I love this dude idc what anybody thinks, also i might do a pt2 if this gets enough traction!! This is also a Female!reader, but if you squint it can be Genderneutral!reader
Warnings: Some cussing, use of pet names, some creepy behavior 💀
Starting off, Mammon would probably love to show you off. At his clown pageants, royal meetings, and basically anywhere important. If he's going somewhere, you will most likely be there, with his hand on one of your hips, or carrying you on his shoulder. However he won't let anybody get to know you, or even get their grubby hands near your precious body. Most of his fans speculate that if they see you somewhere, Mammon is always somewhere near you, or he at least has his servants follow you. I also imagine he also brings you to interviews.
He just loves to talk his head off about you. When it comes to his little lady, he just can't keep his mouth shut. I swear this man will be talking to Beelzebub or one of his business partners, and be like “Yeah that's nice and all dickhead, but Y/N is better at that by a long shot.” HE WILL BRING YOU UP AT THE MOST RANDOM TIMES! He will also twist his words in a way that involves you.
Loves and lives to buy you things. He feels obligated to get you luxurious items, even if you don't want them or feel bad. He knows he's one of, if not the most wealthy man in hell, so just let him spoil you, because he won't take no for an answer. If you don't like something he buys you, he won't be mad at you, but the people who made it. You're his pride and joy, so anything he buys you is very luxurious and one of a kind. When you go out to events with him, the press and 666 news will go crazy over the latest new necklace he bought you. If you just look up at him with those big doe eyes of yours, he will move heaven and hell for you.
He knows your weakness is his boisterous voice. He notices every detail about you, including the way your knees lock and your demeanor softens when he does that deep, Australian accent. He likes to grab your cheeks, and say in a low husky voice how you're so cute babe, my perfect little woman. Or when he calls you or leaves voicemails, he will talk innocently about something, but you never fail to take his voice and imagine it in, well, other ways.
I feel like Mammon would give you nicknames all the time. He rarely calls you buy your real name, unless hes upset, but he is never truly upset with you. He will call you babe most of the time, misses, my little lady, sweetheart, princess, my queen, woman, babycakes, and my little money maker (sometimes). He will call you these things, but also when he wants something from you like a warm hug, or to rub his shoulders, or to bring him his morning breakfast. He doesnt call you by your real name often, because he thinks its too serious, and in his eyes, you arent serious,you are just his little innocent woman, oblivious to the dangerous underworld.
There is an obvious power imbalance between the two of you. There's Mammon, a powerful deadly sin, the king of greed, and loved by billions of demons. And then there's you, a lowly demon/sinner who in his eyes, can barely do anything by yourself, hell, you need him to open a nutella jar for christ sake. He thinks of himself as your big strong protector, and also your king who you should bow down to, who you should be thankful for, because millions and millions of girls would die to be in your position.
When you two date, he want complete control over your life. Your social media, friends, people you talk to, family, etc. He most likely implanted a tracker somewhere on your body while you were sleeping. He controls all your socials, and most likely put “Account ran by the handsome king of greed” im your Sinstagram bio 😭. He also deleted any hate comments. One time somebody put “Miss girl is getting that little dick every night” And he got so butthurt, so he blocked them and personally killed them. He also wants you to stay innocent.
He loves to touch you. whether it be groping you, or slowly dragging his gloved fingers over your skin. He does not care about your size too, whether you are chubby or skinny, he loves you for you and that only applies to you. It does not matter how big or small your boobs are, he will guaranteed grab them atleast twice every day randomly. His favorite part of your body is most likely your belly and your boobs. But he loves everything about you, dont get me wrong.
He will never, and I mean never, let you down. He wants to see your pretty smile. If your going on a flight? First class. A show? Front row. You two are staying at a hotel? Presidential suite. He has you covered. Hes the sin of greed for crying out loud. He uses his status to get you the best of the best. If he sees you upset, he is upset at the people around him, and throws a big temper tantrum. In his eyes, he always needs to be the person to make you happy. If he ever sees you laughing at another mans corny jokes, he makes a mental note to personally handle them, and show them that he is your man, not some low class, vile excuse of a man.
#mammon#mammon hb#helluva boss#mammon hb x reader#mammon x reader#mammon x reader hb#hb mammon#hb mammon x reader#hazbin hotel#mammon helluva#mammon helluva boss#mammon hcs#mammon headcannons#mammon sfw#helluva boss x reader#alastor x reader
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"Husband-y"
Taehyung x Reader
Summary: A cozy evening at home leads to talk of the future, and an important question.
Warnings: none
A/N: Thank you to the lovely anon who requested this, I got so soft writing this omg! I'm finally starting to catch up on all the requests from last week, so they'll hopefully be going up in the next couple days💜
Masterlist
Requests are open
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You don't know what you did to deserve Kim Taehyung.
Earlier, you had swore you were about to collapse from exhaustion as you dragged yourself home from work, slumping against the door to push it closed behind you, expecting to be greeted by the typical dark and quiet of your appartment.
What you had been met with, however, was the soothing mix of music drifting from the stereo in the living room and faint humming from the kitchen, accompanied by the warm, savory scent of cooking.
Curiously, you had crept down the hall and peeked around the doorway, grinning as your eyes landed on a familiar figure. Taking a moment to admire him as he worked before making your presence known, you noted the way his hair fell over his eyes as he leaned over, his nose scrunching up slightly as he tasted something before nodding to himself.
"Whatcha making?" He jumped slightly at the sound of your voice, turning to you with a massive grin.
"Ah, pasta, I think." He said, coming over a pressing quick kiss to your lips. "How was your day?"
"Better now. Is that my apron?" You asked, toying with the ties around his waist.
"Maybe, is that okay?"
"Yeah, just surprising, I'm not used to you cooking."
"I wanted to surprise you." He said, pressing another kiss to your temple before pulling away to check the pans on the stove. "Why don't you go wash up? This should be done soon."
"You sure you don't need any help?"
"I'm sure. This is my kitchen tonight, get out." He said with faux authority.
"Yes Sir." You played along, giving him a tiny salute before retreating to your room.
By the time you returned, he had everything set on the table, complete with candles for mood lighting. You couldn't wipe the amused grin off your face as you watched him milling back and forth, putting on the finish touches, refusing again to let you help.
"What?" He asked, noticing your eyes on him again.
"You're just being really cute." You said, propping your chin in your hand as you watched him.
"Am I now?" He grinned.
"Mhm, very house husband-y."
"Husband?" He raised a brow at you, making you start to backtrack before he chuckled.
"I think I like that." He mused, resuming his task, leaving you to fight back the faint, embarrassed heat in your cheeks.
Now, as you lay in bed, his head resting on you chest, sleep threatening to overtake you as you talked, you'd never felt more content.
"Thank you for tonight." You said, playing with his hair. "It was really nice."
"I'm glad, I like getting to look after you." He said, adding after a moment. "I liked what you said earlier too, about me feeling husband-y."
"Really?" You glanced down at him.
"Mhm, I wasnt sure if you thought about that kind of stuff." He said, fiddling with the hem of your t-shirt.
"I think about it lot, actually." You admitted.
"Really?" It was his turn to ask.
"Yeah."
"What do you think about?" He asked.
"I dunno, lots of things... Sometimes I think about where we'd live. Like, I know we'd have to stay in Seoul most of the time, but I wondered if you'd want another place closer to your family, so we could visit them more, or somewhere totally different like New York or Paris where it's just us. Sometimes I think about if we'll have kids, and who they'd look more like." You chuckled. "Hopefully it's you... Tae?"
He'd grown so still, you'd wondered if he'd fallen asleep or if you'd said too much.
"Hold on." He rolled over, fumbling in the bedside drawer for a moment before turning back to you and balancing a small velvet box on you stomach.
You looked up at him in shock.
"It's not technically an engagement ring," he said softly. "But I wanted you to know that when the time comes, when we're ready, I want to take that step with you. I can't imagine my life without you."
You eyes welled over with tears as he took your hand, taking a steadying breath before he continued.
"I want everything you said and so much more. And if you'll have me, I would love to spend the rest of our lives together."
Your voice failed you, coming out as only a whisper as you nodded, tears streaming down your face. "Yes."
With shaking hands, he slipped the ring on your finger before pulling you close.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too."
You both fell asleep wrapped up in each other and the promise of forever.
#taehyung imagine#taehyung scenarios#taehyung fluff#taehyung drabble#taehyung oneshot#taehyung x y/n#taehyung x reader#bts one shot#bts drabble#bts fluff#bts requests#bts x y/n#bts x reader#bts imagines#7ndipity
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Anyone who follows me on here with a Twitter/X account:
In case you haven't heard, the Twitter Privacy Policy is changing on September 29th. The new policy states that any public content uploaded there will be used to train AI models. This, in addition to the overarching content policy which gives Twitter the right to "use, copy, reproduce, process, adapt, modify, publish and display" any content published on the platform without permission or creator compensation, means that any original content on there could potentially be used to generate AI content for use on the platform, without the original creator's consent.
If you publish original content on Twitter (especially art) and you don't like or agree with the policy update, now may be the time to review the changes for yourself and if necessary take things down before the policy update is published.
Edit: I wanna offer a brief apology for the original post, my wording was a bit unclear and may have drawn people to the wrong assumptions! I have changed the original post a bit now to hopefully be a more accurate reflection of the situation.
Let me just clarify some things since I certainly don't wanna fearmonger and also I feel like some people may take this more seriously than it actually is!:
The part of the privacy policy I mentioned regarding "use, copy, reproduce, process, adapt, modify, publish and display" is included in the policies of every social media site nowadays. That part on its own is not scary, as they have to include that in order to show your content to other users and have it published outside of the site (ie. embedding on other sites, news articles).
The scenario I mentioned is pretty unlikely to happen, I highly doubt the site will suddenly start stealing art or other consent and use it to pump stuff out all over the web without consent or compensation. I simply mentioned it because the fact that the data is being used to train AI models means that stuff on there may end up being used as references for it at some point, and that could then lead to the scenario I mentioned where peoples content becomes the food for new AI content. I don't know myself how likely that is for definite, but I know many people still don't trust the training of AI, which is why I feel it is important to mention.
I cannot offer professional or foolproof advice to people on the platform who have posted content before, I'm just some guy! I don't wanna make people freak out or anything. If you have content already on the site, chances are its probably already floating around somewhere you wouldn't want it. That's, unfortunately, the reality of the internet. You don't have to take down everything you've ever posted or delete your accounts, however I wouldn't recommend posting new content on the site if you are uncomfortable with the changes.
THIS POST WAS MADE FOR AWARENESS ONLY!! I AM NOT SUGGESTING WHAT YOU SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT DO, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE!! /lh
TL;DR: I worded the original post slightly poorly, for clarification the policy being changed to allow for AI training doesn't automatically mean that all your creations will be stolen and be recreated with AI or anything, it just means that those creations will be used to teach the AI to make things of it's own. If you don't like the sound of that, consider looking into this matter yourself for a more detailed insight.
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THINGS I THINK YOU NEED TO HEAR
[ based on your 𝔟𝔩𝔞𝔠𝔨 𝔪𝔬𝔬𝔫 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 placement]
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
[copyrights reserved ©️mystic-scorpio]
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
How to find your 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔭𝔩𝔞𝔠𝔢𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱 ?
- Enter your birth data in the link give below:
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♈︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝔸ℝ𝕀𝔼𝕊
You're ambitious, both in professional and personal life. You want to win. It's absolutely okay to be aggressive sometimes in order to achieve success. It's OKAY to show some teeth sometimes. You deserve to get what you want, don't be guilty for it!
Leave the guilt for them losers.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♉︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝕋𝔸𝕌ℝ𝕌𝕊
You should pamper yourself more often.
No seriously, go enjoy a bubble bath, treat yourself to delicious food, cuddle up in a blanket or have a date night with your boo.
The Taurus in you craves a bit of love, romance and delight, give in to those cravings.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♊︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝔾𝔼𝕄𝕀ℕ𝕀
In your love life, you're looking for your other half but you're also very flirtatious . Make sure you are acting authentically in love.
Gemini is the chattiest zodiac but if your Lilith is in this sign, there's a chance that your hiding something or you're not letting something out.
Let it out!
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♋︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in ℂ𝔸ℕℂ𝔼ℝ
You need to love yourself as much as you love people around you. Don't give all your time, attention and energy to your loved ones, save some for yourself! Trust me, that doesn't make you selfish.
Also I feel like there is a lack of creative expression. I recommend going to your nearest drink and paint classes and let the colours and emotions flow~
I promise it'll be rejuvenating!
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♌︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝕃𝔼𝕆
You are braver, stronger and more fabulous than you think you are!
I feel like you've been hated for expressing yourself at one point in your life, be it for gender expression, coming out or just embracing a new sense of style. Those people who gave you a hard time are just jealous, don't let them affect you.
You are fabulous, my love<3
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♍︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝕍𝕀ℝ𝔾𝕆
Okay this gon' sound funny but, don't try too hard to be chill.
Yes, I feel like you need a lot of structure and order in your life and somewhere your not doing it just to appear chill, you know?
You NEED to take care of your mental and emotional well being. Procrastinating is just gonna make shit harder.
If you're life requires structure, give it that!
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♎︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝕃𝕀𝔹ℝ𝔸
Hey you.
Yes you.
You're worth EVERYTHING, kindly embrace that shit.
Go out there, ask for a raise, go out on a date , demand a glamorous birthday party for yourself. You're totally worth it.
You don't realise how much people around you love you and it's time you start celebrating yourself just as much.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♏︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝕊ℂ𝕆ℝℙ𝕀𝕆
The moment you hear "scorpio", you know it gon' be about sex.
But it's kinda different for Lilith in Scorpio.
You need to embrace your true sexuality. Ensure that your getting what you want in bed, whether it be handcuffs and leashes OR complete asexuality.
For you, sexuality= spirituality
Therefore it's not selfish to be honest about your sexual nature. In fact, it's important to BE HONEST about it.
You also need a lot of privacy so allow yourself your secrets.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♐︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝕊𝔸𝔾𝕀𝕋𝕋𝔸ℝ𝕀𝕌𝕊
You NEED to keep expanding your knowledge and intellectual exposure, whether it be through a hobby, a kink or by some adventure or travel.
This placement requires that intellectual stimulation that you have to actively provide.
Oh yes, don't be afraid to dominate conversations in a group setting.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♑︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in ℂ𝔸ℙℝ𝕀ℂ𝕆ℝℕ
We all know you like to work hard.
What we don't know is you like to party harder!
So give yourself that stimulation. Get your work done on time and then sit back and ENJOY your life. That way you'll enjoy as well as get everything done! It'll keep you motivated and happy.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♒︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in 𝔸ℚ𝕌𝔸ℝ𝕀𝕌𝕊
You can change the world if you want to.
You just have it in you to fight for humanitarian causes. People will listen to you, you just need to speak up for what you stand for.
There's a chance you're not giving yourself the independence and alone time you deserve. Even in a relationship you might need to set boundaries.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
♓︎ 𝔩𝔦𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔥 in ℙ𝕀𝕊ℂ𝔼𝕊
YOU DONT EVEN REALISE WHAT A BLESSING YOUR CREATIVITY IS?
Seriously, you've been putting your passion projects on halt just to be "responsible". Even when these passions make you happy?
Secondly, you are likely to want a spiritual connection with your romantic partner even if it's casual, so make sure you follow your heart rather than people's expectations on who YOU should date.
𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷𖧷
A/N: that's it for this blog, see you in the next!
#lilith in aries#lilith in taurus#lilith in gemini#lilith in cancer#lilith in leo#lilith in virgo#lilith in libra#lilith in scorpio#lilith in sagittarius#lilith in capricorn#lilith in aquarius#lilith in pisces#things you need to hear#mystic scorpio#mystic_scorpio#astro blogs#aries#taurus#gemini#cancer#leo#virgo#libra#scorpio#sagittarius#capricorn#aquarius#pisces#astrology#mystic scorpio blogs
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You’re imagines are so good! Love the character accuracy. Imagine the peaky blinders boys having a s/o who is super into self care, and wants to pamper them as well. Like skin care, body/scalp massages, baths, etc.
This is so cute i love it, i did it as kind of modern au centered because i feel like self care is probably way more varied now than it used to be?
Tommy
🌿I feel like he looks after himself and isn't going to be as opposed to this as you might expect a bloody-minded toxic masculinity gangster to be.
🌿Especially not the candlelit baths, the back rubs and anything else which involves close physical contact with you...
🌿Both 20s Tommy and Modern! Tommy are very serious men, their brain is always set in overdrive, his thoughts buzzing and whirring like a broken machine at all hours. He never switches off and you worry about him.
🌿"Ain't good for you Tommy, you're always lost inside your own head... Driving yourself crazy, you need to switch off every now and then... Let me help you..."
🌿 You know exactly the tone to take to get him to leave his work and come to you, oh so slightly suggestive, tempting... And when it comes to you Tommy doesnt have much resistance...
🌿You probably have a really fancy bathroom with a sunken in tub, jacuzzi jets and all, which Tommy had built for you but which you always intended on sharing with him. I'm picturing this but with more house plants, more candles...
🌿 You put his favourite record on and soak in the tub with him, he holds you in his lap, definitely tries to take the vibe somewhere else
🌿But you are determined that this is going to be more than just a steamy afternoon of shower sex... You promised to help him relax and you're going to.
🌿 "Oh angel no... I don't need that..." he says when you present him with a facemask, its a sheet mask and he just looks at you all "we look like something out of a horror movie y/n" "yes but its going to make your skin feel heavenly..." "already heavenly love..." he smirks making you smile a little embarassed. "Well yeah, I mean you are..." you start but he just shakes his head, "was talking about you angel..."
🌿Tommys been through a lot and has a lot of pent up stress stored in his muscles, he doesn't realise quite how much trauma he's holding in his body until he starts to relax, and when he realises everything he's carrying with me, all these emotions he shuts out to survive, he panics a bit... He can't let himself unwind completely or he's sure he'll fall apart.
🌿So he tries to make up excuses to cut short your pamper session, standing up to get out of the bath, taking his face mask off with some excuse about having an important call that needs to be made...
🌿You're not stupid though, you know what he's doing and so with one puppy dog eye look at him, you beg him to stay just a little longer. And he can't say no to you when you look at him like that so he returns to you.
🌿You wash his hair and massage his head, you tell him to close his eyes and you treat him so delicately. He's never felt this kind of care before, this good goosebump feeling, the hairs on his neck standing on end at the slightest touch from you. He loves it.
🌿You give him a little face massage too, telling him to close his eyes, sitting in his lap and very gently, delicately massaging his temples, his cheeks and jaw. He didn't even know you could carry tension in your face like that but your touch is magic. And when you finsih it with a kiss pressed to his lips he pulls you in for a deeper one.
🌿 Tommy also likes to live the life of luxury, he always aspired to reach the levels of those higher social classes, he always wanted what they have and so when you beg him to go on a spa week with you he obliges. Its one of those things the rich do after all.
🌿He gets a taste for massages and takes you on many spa weekends. If he has a particularly troubling problem he needs to mull over he will often lie on his back in the sauna and think things through.
🌿Loves an ice bath/plunge pool because he's a fucking sociopath.
Alfie
🐻 Alfie has never had someone try to take care of him like this, he's not really used to having people take care of him at all but this is even more unfamiliar... As far as Alfie is concerned "self-care" is just "womans stuff ain't it"
🐻 "Well no Alf its not really, anyone can do it and well yknow... Youre always spoilin me aren't you," "rotten zieskiet, absolutely rotten," "well yeah, exactly... I wanna make it up to you, wanna look after you for once..."
🐻 He will argue, "But you see my little zieskiet thats just not how this works yeah, you and me yeah... You're my little girl ain't you," "yeah but..." "right, exactly right, you're my little girl and there ain't no buts about it zieskiet, I take care of you.. You don't want for anythin... You don't need to look after me, I do that myself right..."
🐻 "But Alfie," you whine fixing him with a pout and the most irresistible puppy eyes, "I want to look after you..."
🐻 So he lets you do it to make you happy... Of course he grumbles about it anyway, even if he's enjoying it. He can't drop his grumpy old man act now...
🐻 He lets you run him a hot bath, let's you use your essential oils, lets you wash his hair and condition his beard... On the condition that whilst you wash him you sing for him, something nice and sweet and low. When you're singing for him thats when he really lets himself relax, closing his eyes and feeling the heat from the water soak into him.
🐻He finds that he's able to relax and enjoy it but he can't actually admit to that, he rolls his eyes, tells you he's only doing it so that you'll stop hastling him about it, only doing it because it makes you happy...
🐻 But he secretly loves when you climb into the bath with him and massage his sore muscles, he loves feeling you comb your fingers through his beard and his hair.
🐻 Will not let you put a facemask on him, uses his beard as an excuse, also tells you he's got really senstive skin which is definitely another excuse... Five minutes ago he was pretending he didn't know what a skincare routine was, so how on earth he'd know whether he had sensitive skin or not you don't know...
🐻 You definitely teach this man the power and divine pleasure that is ✨moisturising✨ he gets dry skin and it gets worse when he's stressed so you teach him all about how to wash his face and how to moisturise properly, you make him promise he'll follow his routine every day, "happy skin means happy everything else..." you tell him and he just rolls his eyes and chunters away.
🐻 He will always insist you join him in the bath, he'll tell you he can't possibly relax if his little zieskiet isn't close by.
🐻 I feel like a lot of your self care tricks would be really good for his sciatica as well, relaxing when thats playing up, letting you take care of him. It's what he needs but it all has to be done under the pretence that its to make you happy and that hes the one looking after you.
🐻 At first he is definitely a little wary of letting you see him naked in a non sexual way, in a way where he is the vulnerable one and you're really paying attention to him... When you're not having sex being naked together makes him a little self concious, he thinks a massage will draw attention to his injuries ans scars, is worried you'll see him for the broken/breaking down man he really is
🐻 You tracing the ridges and lines of his scars, kissing them lightly when you're massaging him. Nuzzling into his neck and kissing him as your fingers trail the marbled scarring on his waist and his shoulder.
🐻 Theres one element of self care that Alfie really can get behind and thats meditation. He really enjoys sitting peacefully, letting his mind calm and settle, letting his thoughts wash over and away one by one. He believes it enhances his intelligence and insight, believes that by calming his mind he's making himself sharper.
🐻 He loves a hot stone bed more than he cares to admit but when his back is playing up lying on one of those feeling the heat relax his body slowly, its so soothing... He'll never go to a spa alone however, he always takes you as an excuse to be there.
Arthur
🍂 "You fuckin what? You're gonna make me feel better with some nice smells?"
🍂 Will not let you put "mud" on his face. "Darlin that's just fuckin wrong int it... Fuckin mud on your face? Like mud... From the ground..."
🍂 Arthur is completely baffled by the whole thing and honestly a little bit scared. It all just sounds like "girl stuff" stuff that his mates would take the everloving piss out of him if he admitted to trying it.
🍂 But you know Arthur, he might have that tough guy exterior, might come across as harsh and angry and well, rough... But underneath it he's hiding a delicate side, a side that you know would benefit from just a little self care.
🍂 You have to trick him into it, set some kind of trap because he won't conciously go near anything ylang ylang scented.
🍂 Is genuinely petrified of the shop Lush, crosses the street so he doesn't even have to walk past the front door. He's scared one of the shop assistants will lure him in with a polite hello and then drag him inside kicking and screaming, smothering him in all sorts of oils and bath shite. Once when you were just dropping in to buy a facemask he caught your hand and very very seriously told you to "be careful in there love, don't let anyone grab you" he even shuddered/had a nervous twitch as he watched you go in.
🍂 He doesn't know how to be taken care of, as the eldest son its always been his responsibility to take care of everyone else, he hasn't really been shown much love or care from many people. Most people are terrified of him, his brother who he should be closest to doesn't let him talk about feelings, and he's too embarassed about admiting "failure" to go to his aunt or anyone else for comfort.
🍂 From the first time you spoke to him you've been determined to show him that care. You looked at him, his nervous eyes, that lack of self confidence he was doing so well to hide, and you just thought "this is a man who needs a hot bath and a really good head massage"
🍂 But Arthur is so awkward and standoffish whenever you try to look after him. He hates it if you're "soft" on him because he thinks its imasculating and patronising. He finds it all so embarrassing and he'll go the most adorable shade of bright red whenever you so much as kiss his cheek.
🍂 The first time you suggest a nice candlelit bath he gets interested but thats because baths are literally just for fucking as far as he's concerned and he's dissapointed to realise that you have something else in mind.
🍂 Lots of protests, "y/n come on now we don't have to do this... This is just... I don't need to relax i am relaxed..." "Arthur you haven't been relaxed since your umbilical cord got cut..."
🍂 But once you're alone together in that bath he finally begins to relax. You tell him to close his eyes and at first he refuses or asks why. "Cause its better for relaxing..." "You're gonna do somet to me aren't you... Gonna use one of them fuckin mud potions..." "Promise I'm not..." you try to take his anxiety seriously but "mud potions" is a difficult thing not to laugh at.
🍂 He does his best to relax though and grows to love the feeling of your fingers in his hair, it really does feel like a weight being lifted.
🍂 His favourite thing is to close his eyes and lie back against your chest, the skin on skin contact, the steam and warm water doing wonders to slow his racing mind right down.
🍂 You give him hand massages a lot and he really likes learning how to give them to you too. You teach him where your pressure points are and he concentrates really hard on learning exactly how to take care of you too.
🍂 And sometimes when you're in the bath together you let your hand travel a little lower than usual, you let his idea of bath time win out.
🍂 You take him to a spa and he's so unnerved, he's worried he'll be recognised by someone and his reputation of being a ferocious gangster will be ruined. But he does like the sauna, trouble is it puts him in the mood for fucking...
🍂 Doesnt like a steam room, he feels too vulnerable in there because its dark and steamy and he gets claustrophobic not being able to see so well. If you go into the steam room he will stand guard outside so that nothing bad can happen to you in there.
🍂 You teach him lots of different breathing exercises and try to get him into stretching. They're such effective ways of relieveing tension and you know they'd do him the world of good. But he's not very flexible and he just grumbles. He is however astounded by how bendy you are and will often ask you to show him certain poses just so he can get a good look at you.
🍂 He does try to remember the breathing exercises and they do actually really help him with his ptsd.
John
🌼 I feel like John would be down for doing facemasks with you, you painting his face with some ugly green clay mask, him painting yours with a glittery gold one, taking silly selfies with you.
🌼 He definitely strikes me as a "splashes face with cold water and dries it on an old tshirt" kind of skin care routine boy but you're determined to change his primitive ways.
🌼 He also definitely loves a spa day and you two frequently dissappear to some fancy spa retreat for the weekend.
🌼 Loves a steam room/sauna combination, especially when you join him, theres something really sexy about watching you lie on your back in a bikini, lit up by the dim orange glow of the sauna. That musky essential oils smell lingering in the air... The little beads of sweat on your breasts as your chest rises and falls... "Lie down John, stop starring at me you're supposed to be relaxing..." "Oh I'm relaxed flower don't worry about me..."
🌼 Loves a massage, especially when you go all professional on him with the essential oils. When you get him to lie face down on the bed and climb on top of him to massage his back. Feeling your hands all over him, feeling your legs straddling him...
🌼 You know what else is a good stress reliever love? An orgasm.
🌼 You put cucumber on his eyes when he's in the bath and he immediately thanks you for the snack and eats it. You're speechless, how do you even begin to tell him thats not what thats for.
Bonnie
🍀 Perfectly happy to be silly with you and will let you do whatever you want to him if it makes you happy... So he lets you work out his skin type and prepare the perfect face mask...
🍀 Actually sometimes he'll acompany you out into the forest to find the berries and plants you need to make your little self care rememdies with, its a good excuse to spend time with you and he finds it incredible how knowledgeable about plants and herbs you are...
🍀Does point out that this facemask you've mixed up for yourself is just a really fancy overnight oats recipe... Does eat a spoonful and imediately regrets it wincing and spitting it out.
🍀 It does take quite a lot to convince him that self-care isn't the same as make up and stuff, he's always telling you not to "buy into all that wellness shite" because its just a new capitalist method of getting your money off you...
🍀 And you know, he's not completely wrong, but self care isn't just about buying stuff and you have to try and teach him that before he'll really let you show him stuff. Showing him how you make natural face masks, moisturisers and bath salts does help this process.
🍀 He has to take care of his body for his boxing and he's no stranger to a sports massage, actually more often than not he's the one trying to get you to let him give you a back rub... Whenever you offer he always starts on you, squeezing your shoulders, telling you you seem tense. He's such a smooth talker you don't even realise he's derailed your plan until he's smoothing warm lavender oil over your back, working your muscles skillfully. And when you do realise you don't want to ask him to stop.
🍀 After his fights you want to take good care of him and you always insist he spends the following day with you, relaxing... You spoil him with a hot bath to sooth his sore muscles, scented candles and nature sounds asmr music, massages, he even lets you put a hair mask in his curls.
🍀He's always been torn about things like spa days, hes always thought they were something for posh people, wives of men who play too much golf... But again, he'll do anything if you ask him enough times, so he comes with you one day and he's adorably awkward and hesitant about everything.
🍀 You pick his treatments for him and he really really has to trust you because he's not sure what an "all over body sugar scrub" is but it sounds, intimidating? Afterwards when you ask for his review he just grins, "I'd have liked it more if it was you in there with me..."
🍀 Ultimately though Bonnie's idea of self care is a day in the woods, or by a river with you. Somewhere peaceful, quiet. Lying back against a tree trunk with you in his arms.
🍀 "Really dove, takin care of my girls what makes me feel good, enough with your scented candles now eh, let me look after you, it's not like i ain't good at it..." he says whispering the last sentence in your ear, kissing your neck as he starts to massage your shoulders.
🍀 You're literally never winning this battle sorry.
Isaiah
🐀 Will roll his eyes when you suggest a self care night, calls it your "hippy dippy bullshit" teases you and asks if you're going to do his birth chart whilst you're at it... "Maybe I should Si, might find out why you're such a snide git eh?" You'll probably regret flashing him that cheeky smile.
🐀So aye, he's not exactly easy to convince, he has the same opinion on self care as most the other men... That its girls stuff, that it ain't manly to smell like lavender and camomile.
🐀But, a little wine, a few candles and a hot bath... You with your legs wrapped around his waist, your fingers massaging his scalp gently... Whats not to like about that... He really likes how close it makes you feel, the connection between you strengthening.
🐀Thats more to do with the fact he's being vulnerable with you and his vulnerability is being met with care and love, rather than down to the fact you've sugar scrub massaged his back and legs.
🐀He will let you do facemasks with him but it will come accompanied by many threats, "you tell anyone about this mousy and I promise you you'll regret it..." but you're not scared of him and so you tease him with the threat of telling his touch guy gangster friends all the time. You start getting your own way much more often.
🐀I think he probably enjoys the tension of letting you shave him with an open razor blade, i don't know if this counts as self care so much as just a personal hygiene thing but either way, its a very intense and intimate experience and you're the only person he trusts to do it because you're so gentle and delicate with it that you never cut him.
🐀He fancies himself a social climber and enjoys the status of being able to "treat his girl to a relaxing weekend away" he definitely enjoys taking you to spas and baths, but he tends to let you go off for all the fancy treatments and just enjoys swimming in the pool and relaxing on the stone beds or in the sauna.
🐀Another man who needs to be taught about the power of moisturising. His skin gets dry and you buy him moisturisers and give him little face massages. He's much better at remembering to do his little skincare routine than alfie is because he cares a lot about the way he looks.
🐀"Fuckin drop it with the meditation shit love, i go to church I say my prayers, I don't need to do deep breathing to cleanse my soul..." he just won't do it, won't try your stretches either because "I go to the gym don't I, yogas for girls love..."
🐀Pulls stupid faces at you when you put cucumber on his eyes.
Michael
☘️Out of all the men he takes care of himself the best. He already has a skincare routine, has several serums he uses too.
☘️ So it doesn't take much to convince him of other self care activities. However, don't you dare call it self care. "Look I'm all for lookin after meself like i just don't see why we've got to give it some soft girly name now..."
☘️ He really loves being pampered, kind of likes being treated like a king... His cousins take the piss out of him for it but he doesn't care... "Don't really see whats embarrassing about having my girl massage me back after work... Don't it make me more of a man that I've got a woman who's obsessed with me..." you never let it slide when he talks about you like that but you also know why he's doing it. He's just trying to get his cousins off his back.
☘️ Would probably spend every weekend at the spa if he thought he could get away with it. He likes to throw his cash around and receive special treatment.
☘️ He really really loves a salt scrub and he's a secret fan of a facial too.
☘️He's never the one to suggest that the two of you have a self-care evening together but you can always tell when he needs one and he never refuses your offer.
☘️You have a mini spa built into your house, a sauna and a hot tub, sometimes when you're having once of your self care nights you find yourself next to him in the hot tub, your mood changing.. Your mind drifting to other things, but when Michael is relaxing he's relaxing and theres no disturbing him.
☘️"Not now love eh, later maybe..." his little spa is sacred to him. You're astounded because he must be the first man to turn down the offer of a hot tub fuck.
#peaky blinders imagines#bonnie gold x reader#peaky blinders imagine#tommy shelby x reader#arthur shelby x reader#john shelby x reader#peaky blinders headcanon#alfie solomons x reader#Peaky blinders reader insert
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Spaces Between Us
*Gif not mine credits to the owner*
• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.
• Requested: yes by anon.
• Summary: you and Jay break up and it’s the hardest thing you’ve even been through. Is it forever over or will you be able to overcome the difficulties?
• Warnings: LOTS of angst and cursing, use of alcohol, slight mention of blood and dead body (it’s not important for the plot but still), I don’t know if there’s anything else please let me know if I missed any <3
• Word count: 19k. Yeah… I know.
• A/N: I’VE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT FOR A FIC I SWEAR IT’S LIKE IT HAD TO PAY MY BILLS SO PLS BLOW THIS UP. I’m kidding (no I’m not ) but jokes aside, I hope you’ll like this fic even if still shitting bricks at the thought you’ll gonna hate it 😭 so please let me know what do you think and give me any advice if you want. I’m sorry for any mistakes and just so you know this fic dramatic as fuck lol. I love you all and thank you so much I know nobody is gonna read this, like I haven’t already written enough okay bye ❤️
Anyone who tells you that getting together with your best friend is simple because you know each other very well, don't trust them, it's complete bullshit.
And you had unfortunately learned this the hard way.
You really thought your relationship with Jay would be amazing to say the least, the first few months being pure heaven. You were very happy, you sprayed joy from every pore and anyone who met you could notice the toothy smile you continually had on your face.
You thought you knew Jay perfectly and that he knew you perfectly. After all you had been friends for so many years before getting together which is why you believed you knew everything about him, strengths and weaknesses, and he knew the same about you.
Unfortunately, however, this wasn’t true at all and you soon realized reality was very different from what you thought, being in a relationship with someone was totally different from being their friend. When you’re in a relationship you see that person differently, that person becomes the center of your thoughts, and everything they say and do have a weight on you whether you like it or not, you start to analyze everything with different eyes, you pay more attention to details, and you don't miss things that you wouldn't notice with a friend.
And that was exactly what happened with Jay.
You and him had been together for about six months when you started to notice something that among other things slowly took a big toll on you.
Given the nature of your jobs – him being a detective and you being a firefighter – there were times where you weren't able to spend much time together. He never let a minute pass without sending you a sweet text telling you how much he missed you and how much he wanted to be with you, but when it was time to see each other he sometimes preferred to go to Molly's with his friends.
Of course there was nothing wrong with that and you yourself told him to go, but when you started to notice this happened very frequently, taking time away from the two of you, you started to show him your discomfort.
You never wanted to create arguments, you just tried to communicate with him and express something that was starting to weigh on you but he didn't take it that way and a big argument were created from this. You knew Jay, you knew he was the type of person to keep everything inside, to not express his feelings right away, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you. He accused you of alienating yourself from him, telling you he’d invite you to go with him when he went to Molly's and you were just being dramatic.
You tried to let it go for the sake of the relationship, trying to swallow the lump and think he wasn't doing it on purpose.
But from this episode everything started to go downhill.
When you were with him at the bar, or somewhere else, with his colleagues or friends you couldn't help but notice the way he and his colleague, Hailey, were particularly close. You tried not to let your mind wander, not to listen to your paranoid thoughts but when all you did was see the way they laughed and joked you couldn't keep the jealousy that gripped your stomach at bay.
You had known her since she joined Intelligence. You always knew they were good friends but since you got with Jay you couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had always been like this or if you saw it differently now just because you were in a relationship with him.
As with everything else, you started asking him questions about her and things like that and he didn't think much of it at first but when he started noticing the insistent way Hailey had become involved in your conversations, it started to bother him.
He had tried to reassure you, to tell you there was nothing going on with her but it wasn't enough, since he said the same thing to you too and yet you ended up together. But other than simple phrases and some sweet words thrown into the wind, he didn't seem to do anything to convince you otherwise.
You had never been the jealous type of person, you both had your own circle of friends, but the way Hailey always seemed to be up his ass, bothered you more than you’d never admit.
One evening, after work, you joined Jay at Molly's where you knew he had met with his colleagues and other friends. A strange sensation gripped your stomach as you tried to convince yourself it was only tiredness but inside you knew what the real reason for that anxiety was.
You hoped until the last minute to not see her there, you knew it was wrong, but you didn't want to be in her presence and you didn't want Jay to be either. But when you entered the bar and from afar you saw him and her sitting at the same table, that hope was destroyed in a second.
Jay looked up from her and immediately saw you walk in and a huge smile spread across his face as he waved his hand towards you. You approached the table, greeting everyone with a smile anyone from a mile away could tell was very fake.
“Hi baby, you're finally here.”
Jay stood up and hugged you tightly to his body. You returned that hug, your heart pounding in your chest even though you couldn't just let yourself go completely.
He let go of you and to your surprise pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, chaste kiss, eliciting a series of small squeals and whistles from the table. You giggled and, cheeks burning, went to sit next to Jay on the chair he had kept free for you.
A small smile – this time sincere – appeared on your lips. Jay wasn't the type of person who made sensational or dramatic gestures, he was a rather private person but when it came to you he didn't care about these things, he was very physical and always needed to have you close, to have a hand on you and feel your warmth in a way or another.
But, let's just face it, you loved that gesture mostly because he did it in front of Hailey and the territorial, irrational part of you was doing backflips.
God I don't recognize myself anymore.
“How was work? Wait, first tell me what you want to drink so I can order it for you,” Jay said immediately, an arm around your waist as he looked at you with a sweet smile on his lips. He didn't let you answer though. “You're so beautiful baby, you know that?”.
You giggled like a schoolgirl – being careful to let everyone hear you – and delicately smacking his chest before awkwardly resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the bright blush on your cheeks.
He laughed back and left a kiss on your forehead and that was enough to calm you down, to convince yourself he loved you, that he only wanted you, or else he wouldn't have acted so affectionately in front of her.
“What are you drinking?” You asked, feeling his arm move up from your side around your shoulders.
At that same moment a sudden flash blinded both of you for a second and as you looked up you noticed Adam taking photos of you and Jay with his cell phone with a huge grin plastered on his face.
“Ruzek what the fuck!” Jay exclaimed even though he was actually laughing. He paused and then continued, “Make sure to send us those pics man.”
You burst out laughing and at that same moment, while everyone was joking around and making fun of you and Jay, but you couldn't help but glance at Hailey and notice the way her face was twisted into a serious expression while pretending to play along.
You tried not to think much of it, but it disturbed you, because it was just further evidence she had an interest in Jay that went beyond work.
“So tell me about your day baby,” Jay brought his attention back to you when the others finally decided to give both you and him some spite.
“It went well, we only had one intervention. A man stuck in a car after a car accident,” you sipped some of his beer, earning a fake look of disappointment from him, “Really bad story, but everything went well, he survived and they managed to get him to Med's in time.”
“Just because you were there, love.”
“Kiss-ass,” You rolled your eyes, giggling. “How about you? Something interesting happened?”.
What you didn't expect was for Hailey to answer for him, as if she was listening to your conversation the whole time and was just waiting for the moment to intervene. “Oh my god today was hectic. We busted a drug trade. You should’ve seen it Y/n! Jay faced I don't know how many traffickers alone! Come on Jay, tell her!”.
You tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible as you directed your gaze towards her, noticing the way she suddenly perked up and how she looked at your boyfriend.
Did she seriously intruded while you were only talking to him?
Jay on the other hand didn't notice this attitude and laughed with Hailey as they started joking about what had happened that day. They made jokes, laughed as if it was just the two of them and the way his attention had completely shifted towards her caused you quite a bit of annoyance.
You remained silent as you pretended to listen to what they were saying, trying to bite your tongue and not say anything about the fact she was practically hanging on his lips and licking his ass as she praised him.
This was enough to knock your mood into the ground and throw you back into the spiral of paranoid thoughts you managed to keep at bay for a moment.
You hated the way he joked with her, the way they laughed together. Fuck it, he didn't have to feed her illusion and you couldn't even accept how he couldn't see she was blatantly flirting with him.
Your hands were shaking with anger but you wanted to act like a mature person, you wanted to try to stay calm and not let your emotions get the better of you.
“I think I’ll leave now. Jay, can you give me a ride home please? I didn’t came here with my car”.
What? Did I hear that correctly?
You almost had a heart attack, anger now flowing through your veins.
How could she be so bold? Did she forget you were there too?
“Sure, no problem,” was Jay's response and you almost smashed his head on the table. You looked at him in dismay, now unable to keep calm and act like a mature person.
“Jay do I have to remind you I'm here? You’re really going?” you spoke as he was getting up. He looked at you with an apologetic smile, completely unaware of the fact you were furious. You didn't care if they heard you, you didn't care about making a scene.
“But I'm not leaving baby, I'll just take her home and come right back here.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before leaving the bar with her.
You were so angry you couldn't say anything except watch them from afar.
You couldn't believe it.
This was fucking unbelievable.
You looked from the now closed door to Adam, who was sitting in front of you looking at you with frowning eyes and a surprised and confused expression.
“Wow…” you managed to let out, the humiliation forcing you to run your hands over your face for a moment, elbows resting on the table.
“Hey it's okay, calm down,” he tried to reassure you.
“Adam am I seeing things? Is this just my imagination?” You looked at him, still stunned.
He didn't respond but shook his head slightly, effectively answering your question. “But not from his side,” he pointed out “He only has eyes for you Y/n, believe me, but I can't deny this shit isn’t ridiculous.”
“I'm going home.” You blurted out, standing up and not listening to Adam, and then Kim, who tried to calm you down and convince you to stay.
But you couldn't think straight, not at that moment.
Your boyfriend had left you at a bar to give a ride to the female colleague who was actually crazy about him in a way everyone had noticed except for him, without even trying to ask if you wanted to go too or if it was okay with you.
You were so angry, so furious as you had been a few other times in your life, wanting nothing more than to smash something. You hated her, you hated him, you hated yourself for feeling that way.
You hated everything.
When Jay returned to Molly's after about twenty minutes, confusion appeared on his face as he immediately noticed you were no longer sitting at the table as he expected. He approached his friends, not ignoring the dirty looks they gave him.
“Where is Y/n?”.
Kim glared at him, making no effort to show the irritation towards him. “She's gone.”
“What? Why?”.
“Why? Are you fucking serious Jay?” Adam intervened, causing an even more confused expression to appear on his friend's face. His heart was pounding as he thought of every scenario, thinking you hadn't been feeling well.
“What's going on guys?”.
“You're so damn stupid,” Kevin scolded him, sharing the thoughts of his friends. “That was fucked up man.”
“What part of your brain convinced you that taking another woman – who casually has a crush on you – to her house and leaving your girlfriend here was a good idea? Do you understand how absurd this is? She was more mature than me, I would’ve kicked you in your balls,” Kim continued.
Fucking hell.
He realized he screwed everything up really, really badly this time. Without responding to those words, he immediately ran out of the bar, intending to rush to your house.
That night he tried to apologize and make up for it but you didn't want to talk about it and closed the door in his face when he showed up at your house. You didn't care if you seemed exaggerated, or even crazy, you didn't want to give in and you weren't going to let him disrespect you like that.
You completely ignored him for two days, not responding to any of his calls or texts, still too angry to seek a mature confrontation. When you thought you had calmed down, the memory of Jay leaving the bar with Hailey was enough to make you go back to being even more furious than before.
You understood the problem you had was much deeper than you would’ve ever wanted to admit and what hurt you most was not being understood by him.
You spoke with an open heart, you shouted at him and he understood the mistake he had made, promising you he’d try to fix it and stay away from these situations.
This wasn't the case though, in fact this was just one of numerous arguments you and Jay had over the topic of ‘Hailey’. You didn't feel reassured and his attitude did nothing but fuel your unease, making you feel even crazier than you thought.
On the other hand, you understood he too must have gotten tired of arguing about the same things so this contributed to making your relationship with him deteriorate considerably, the lack of trust he perceived made everything even worse.
The breaking point, however, came one morning and from there nothing was the same as before.
That morning you woke up to Jay's cell phone ringing. You had spent the night before together as he stayed over.
“Jay…” you murmured in your sleep, covering your ears to stop hearing that damn ringing. “Who the hell calls this early?”.
Jay removed the arm wrapped around your hip and let out a groan before propping himself up on his elbow and picking up his cell phone, answering the call without even checking who it was. “Halstead”.
You couldn't hear who it was but you turned to him, now giving him your full attention, wide awake.
“Oh yeah I forgot…” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before taking the cell phone away from his ear for a moment and checking the time “Yeah… I know it’s late. I’ll be there in half an hour. Okay. See you later.”
He ended the call before placing his phone on the nightstand and sighing.
“Who was it?” You asked as he stood up.
“I forgot I have breakfast with Hailey…”
Just hearing that name was enough to make your blood boil.
What the fuck?
You couldn't stand her anymore, why was she always around? Why did she always have to interfere? And why the fuck did Jay always have to run to her?
“Jay are you fucking serious?” You exploded, hair standing on end in anger as you jumped up from the bed.
He picked up his pants from the floor, starting to put them on and button them. “I know baby, but I completely forgot it but it's for work I swear or…”
“Work? What kind of ‘work’ is necessary for you to go have breakfast with her? You really think I'm that stupid Jay?!”
“Of course not! What the hell are you even talking about Y/n? I wouldn't even have told you if I had something to hide!”.
“Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize how you always run to her every time she calls you?! You were in bed with me just five seconds ago and now you're going to her!”.
“I just told you it's for work! We have to go on an undercover mission and we just need to discuss the details Y/n stop implying things that don’t even exist!”.
You ran your hands over your face, frustrated and angry as ever as you watched him put on the shirt.
“Work doesn't tell you to always be up her ass Jay!”.
He looked at you like you had just grown a second head after hearing one of the craziest things in his life. “What the fuck are you even saying? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You realize how ridiculous that sounds? I don’t care about her why are you saying this?!”.
“And of course I'm ridiculous now, great! My boyfriend gets out of bed to go have breakfast with someone else he knew I fucking despise and I'm ridiculous! I'm fucking tired of this relationship and I'm fucking tired of always having her around Jay what the fuck can’t you understand that?!”.
Your words hit him like a tsunami.
I’m tired of this relationship.
Jay felt a sinking sensation in his chest, as if all the air had suddenly been sucked from his lungs. He was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched as he tried not to let the pain caused by those few simple word overwhelm him.
“You’re tired Y/n? You’re fucking tired?!” He almost shouted. “How the fuck do you think I feel when all we talk about is Hailey? You don't talk about anything else! You don't realize how obsessed you have become!”.
“Don't you dare blame me!” You yelled furiously through clenched teeth, pointing a finger at him as you continued to look at each other as if you were both ready to jump on your necks. Your eyes glare at the other, sending lightning and bolts full of anger and resentment. “We wouldn't be in this fucking situation if you had shown me some respect, if you had set boundaries with her! You seem to care more about her than me! Jesus, you know how all this shit makes me feel, you know how much all of this hurts me but you don't seem to give a fuck!”.
“That’s absolutely unbelievable, I can’t even believe how you’re doubting my feeling for you, how can you say something like that? I only have eyes for you Y/n! The whole world knows it, everyone sees it except you! You’re just choosing to let your weird obsession take over everything else.”
“Maybe you’re just shit at proving it because trust me leaving your fucking girlfriend to go have breakfast with another woman doesn’t seem a great way to show her your love!”
“Are you fucking serious right now?”. He clenched his hands into fists to try to maintain the tiny bit of calm he had left, pressing his nails hard against the skin of his palms to vent his anger.
“Yes Jay, I'm fucking serious!”.
“What the fuck are you doing with me then if that's what you think?! Since apparently I can't give you anything and you’re so fucking ungrateful you can't see the good things I do for you!”.
“What the fuck are you doing Jay huh?! Tell me! Is going to Hailey as soon as she calls you a good thing you do for me? Is this how you do it? Flash news my dear, that's not how this fucking works!”.
“I'm not fucking doing anything that’s the damn point! How the hell am I supposed to tell you she's just a colleague and I don't give a shit about her or anyone else but you! Why the fuck do you have so little faith in me!”.
“Because I don't trust you Jay! You really think an ‘I love you’ thrown in every now and then and a bouquet of flowers will fix everything? No it doesn't work like that, you don't solve the problems by just showing a fake reassurance that only lasts a couple of days!”.
“I will have to model myself for her majesty then, to be at her complete pleasure since…-”
You interrupted him. “For fucks sake Jay stop playing the victim! You don't get to do it, you have no right! You're the one going somewhere else what the fuck do you expect from me? Waiting for you with open arms? I'm not ungrateful, maybe you're just a shitty ass boyfriend who can't show me that he cares about me!” You screamed, throwing out everything you had kept inside for a long, long time, regardless of the destroyed and furious expression with which he was looking at you. “You show no respect for me, for my feelings, you don't give a fuck about what I tell you and that’s not even the first time I’m telling you this! It's not the first time I've told you how much this situation hurts me!”.
“Didn't it cross your mind, Y/n, that maybe you're the fucking problem here? That you're so fucking obsessed with that bitch you can't see anything else? That you're just a fucking child and all you can do is whine and whine and whine! You're making my life a living hell with your luck of trust! Every fucking day is a fight about something! You're always so needy, nothing is ever okay with you! Everything I do is wrong!”.
You took a step back at the sound of those words, as if to create a distance between you two. A pain radiated through your chest as your eyes stung while you continued to look at him. You fought with all your being not to let it go, you refused to cry in front of him.
You had come to the realization that maybe you weren't meant to be together, that taking your friendship to the next step was a mistake, you shouldn't have let your feelings get in the way and in that moment you realized that nothing between you would ever be the same.
You looked at each other, furious, both hurt by the words you had said. You looked at each other as if you didn't know each other, as if you were each other's worst enemy and this broke your heart.
“Get the fuck out of my house.” You ordered in a low, trembling tone, a stark contrast to the screams that had been filling the room just moments before. “It's over.”
Did he hear that right?
It’s over.
He was shocked. Getting hit by a bullet would’ve hurt less. He never once thought in his life that hearing you say those words would hurt so damn much, he actually never thought he’d hear those words at all. He swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling it close and his breath catch, his eyes filling with tears.
“Get out!” You screamed again, your voice cracking from crying. You turned to the window, hands on your face as you waited for him to leave.
You didn't want to see him anymore.
You didn't want him there anymore.
You jumped when you heard the front door slam shut, making a deafening noise. At that precise moment you felt as if all your strength had abandoned your limbs and you fell to the ground, bringing your legs to your chest and crying like you had never done before.
You tried to think through everything that had happened.
You and Jay broke up.
You couldn't believe it, although you knew that moment would come sooner or later.
You had just broke up with the love of your life and felt like the world was collapsing on you. You never wanted it to come to this, damn it, that man was the most beautiful person you'd ever met, you imagined your whole life with him, how could it all be over? How did you end up like this?
Why couldn’t he understand you? Why didn't he try to do it? Why couldn't he see how much you were hurting and how much it hurt to not see any reassurance from him? After all this was what you wanted, just a little reassurance.
You hated him and you hated yourself because despite everything you would’ve taken a bullet rather than see him suffer but you had reached breaking point, you couldn't continue like that.
You loved him so damn much and hated him with same intensity.
You cried all the tears you had in your body, until it was physically impossible for you to expel any more and you remained in that position, sitting on the ground for a time you couldn't quantify.
However, you knew that unfortunately you couldn't stay there forever and that, despite your broken heart, you had a job to do.
As soon as you set foot in the fire station all your colleagues immediately noticed something was wrong. Your eyes were puffy, visible from a mile away even though you were staring at the ground, your posture tense.
You went to your locker and put down the bag with your things inside it, trying with all your being not to cry again. You were at work, you had to be efficient and personal problems had to be left out.
“Y/n, honey, are you okay?” Stella's voice caught your attention but you didn't look at her, you couldn't do it or you would’ve collapsed. You were holding on to the only bit of strength you had to keep from bursting into tears.
“I’m fine.“
“It doesn't seem like it…”
“I'm fine dammit!” You exclaimed loudly, slamming your locker shut and making her jump in fright. You looked at her and a wave of guilt washed over you. “I'm sorry Stel-…” your voice broke as you burst into tears, covering your face with your hands so she wouldn't look at you.
She immediately hugged you and you cried in her arms as she held you and reassured you with all the warmth and affection she had. “Oh darling it's okay, you're not alone, everything will be okay.” She caressed your back and then your hair, while you let yourself go for the second time in less than an hour into one of the most desperate cry of your existence.
Your heart felt torn, completely shattered, as if they had taken it from your chest with their bare hands and dug their nails into it.
“It's okay, I'm here with you, cry as long as you want.”
You had an abyss inside, a storm that was overwhelming you painfully like you never thought it was possible. You didn't believe it was possible to feel such pain, you didn't believe you could even think of suffocating.
And if you were desperate, Jay had reacted in a totally different way.
He was furious.
So angry.
He had never felt something like this, he thought he might explode with anger.
He was angry at you, at himself, at the whole entire world.
It was as if something had flipped a switch inside him, because he could no longer think clearly. After leaving your apartment he didn't know how he managed to get back to his house without getting into an accident, all the way his body was driving but his soul seemed lost, his mind elsewhere.
He slammed the door so hard the noise reverberated throughout the house.
What the fuck had happened? How the fuck did you get to that point? How did you two manage to go from sleeping together the previous night to breaking up the next morning?
It's over.
Your words continued to echo in his brain, repeating over and over again as if he was listening to a broken record.
How could you have done that? How could you have left him?
He was so fucking furious.
“Fuck!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not even caring if the neighbors could hear him. He would’ve punched anyone who dared to approach him at that moment.
He didn't know how or when it had happened but in the grip of blind fury he found himself breaking any object he came across, throwing vases against the wall, chairs, glasses, anything. The deafening silence in that apartment was broken only by the sound of his heavy and uncontrolled breathing mixed with the crashing of objects against the walls.
This wasn't enough though, he wasn't even able to partially calm the anger he felt.
“Fuck everything! Fuck you!” He screamed again as if you were in front of him.
It's over.
Why?
Jay couldn't give himself an answer. He knew things weren't going well for a while but he’d never, ever, ever imagine leaving you. He wanted to face everything with you, any kind of obstacle, because he wanted it to work, because since he had met you and even when you were just friends he hadn’t doubted for a second you weren’t the woman of his life.
He had said horrible things. Things he didn't even think.
You hadn't ruined his existence, on the contrary, his life would probably have ended in the abyss if he had never met you.
He was shocked.
He didn't want to believe it, he just couldn’t.
He was sure everything would be resolved, your love couldn't just end that way. He hadn't spent years pining for you only to lose you like that, just because of a misunderstanding.
His cell phone rang but he didn't pay attention to it as his shining eyes looked at his half-destroyed apartment.
He had to get out of there, he needed to distract himself as he couldn't stay in that damn room where everything reminded him of you, where everything screamed your name. Hell, if he closed his eyes he could hear your laughter filling his apartment as he chased you one night after you stole the bag of chips he was happily eating.
By the time he arrived at the district the intense anger had somehow subsided even though he was in no condition to do anything as his mind was completely elsewhere.
He had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes when he saw Hailey sitting on his desk. It was her fault and he was hating her for it.
Inside he actually knew this wasn’t true, it was only his fault for not being able to do things differently and yours for not trusting him enough but he wasn’t thinking clearly.
“Halstead where the hell have you been?! I waited for you for more than half an hour!”.
Just hearing her voice was enough to make him go back to the anger he had so difficultly tried to suppress. He didn't have the strength or desire to put up with anyone, especially not at that moment when everything in his life seemed to be falling apart.
“Hailey don't start this bullshit okay? God I can't stand you anymore just leave me the fuck alone! And find yourself another fucking partner from now on I’ve had enough of this shit!”.
Jay's loud voice made Voight leave his office but he didn't care just as he didn't care about the shocked expression with which she looked at him, not expecting that outburst in the slightest.
“What is going on here?” Voight's gravely voice echoed through the unit.
Jay gave him a look and without another word he left, ignoring his boss' voice calling out for him. He was walking down the stairs when he bumped into Kevin.
“Hey man dammit! Woah, are you okay?” Kevin asked, stopping in his steps and getting worried when he noticed the frantic way Jay was walking. He didn't answer him, ignoring Kevin completely as he continued towards the exit of the district.
He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this.
He couldn't function if you weren't there.
How was he supposed to do it?
-
The two months following the breakup were one of the hardest Jay had to face. Since you had met years ago that was the first time you hadn't spoken and to say he felt like shit was an understatement.
Some would’ve thought the reaction was exaggerated since you’ve been together for just few months, but Jay had loved you long before he even confessed his feelings for you. You had entered his life like a hurricane and now that you left he felt empty.
Empty.
Lost.
That's how he felt.
And not even these words could remotely describe how he actually felt. He was so used to having you in his life, to sharing everything with you, than even after two months he could resign himself to your breakup.
The anger had subsided but it was still there, no longer towards you – or rather only in a small part – but above all towards himself.
He was angry with you because he couldn't accept how you had given up so quickly at the first big obstacle. But then again, who was he kidding, you had every reason to do it and this was the reason why he, on the other hand, was furious with himself.
After the initial shock, as time passed, Jay had reflected on everything that had happened and what had led to the breakup and, also after speaking with his friends and brother, he realized how many mistakes he had done and how right you were saying he had been a shitty boyfriend.
He had disrespected you by not considering your feelings, he had neglected them thinking every problem would just go away on its own.
He had accused you of being irrational, oppressive and he had never realized how harmful these things were, not trying to really reflect on why were acting like that.
But it was too late.
You only realize you had something important only when you lose it, this was so true.
He mistakenly hadn't given enough importance to your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. He hadn't reassured you enough when you expressed your fears, he hadn't done what was necessary to make you go to sleep peacefully at night and he would’ve cursed himself forever for this.
He was hurting but he knew it was nothing compared to what you had been through with his carelessness and superficiality for so long, so he deserved to suffer. It's true, he deserved it – he thought – but every morning he woke up and wondered when it would end, when that emptiness would go way, when that constant sensation of his lungs being compressed and not being able to breathe would stop.
Talking to Adam one time, he pointed out Jay was wrong for not to setting boundaries with Hailey even though their relationship had always been like this even when you and him were still friends.
“We all noticed how Hailey was looking for every opportunity to get close to you man so I'm sorry to say but everything that happened was your fault. You’re like a brother to me you know this, but Y/n has every reason to be furious with you, you should’ve set some boundaries and shouldn't have never let her think another person comes before her. I don't blame her for breaking up with you.”
These words made Jay open his eyes, although ever since that day when he made that outburst against Hailey in the unit he had relaxed their partnership to the bare minimum after asking Voight to change partner. He no longer spoke to her except for work, he no longer went out when she was around, he didn't answer any calls or messages and god only knew how much he wanted to call you to tell you that but he also knew it was too late to fix it since he should’ve done this much sooner.
He thought about how he would’ve felt if the roles had been reversed and he didn't have to think twice about the fact that he would’ve reacted even worse than you did. This obviously only made him feel worse.
The question he asked himself two months ago was never answered.
Jay didn't know how to function without you. He didn't know how to exist in a world where you weren't part of it.
He couldn't sleep well anymore without you beside him and even though two months had passed, every night he found himself looking at the photos of you two and, God, how much he would’ve paid to go back to those moments and be able to relive them.
His gaze landed on one of the pictures Adam took at Molly's the fucking night when he decided giving Hailey a ride home would be a smart thing to do. God, on second thought if he could just go back in time – not giving a shit about seeming mean and insensitive – he would’ve even let her walk in the rain and snow if it meant having you with him again.
A bitter smile played on his lips as his vision blurred with tears. He had cried so much in those past months, more than he’d ever want to admit, and there were countless times where he called Will to come over and always ended up crying in front of him.
Fuck he missed you so much.
How was it possible to want someone so bad? How was it possible to miss someone so much he felt like he was dying everyday even after two months?
He sniffled as he paid attention to the photo again. You were so beautiful and seemed so carefree. He had his arm around your shoulders and you had half your face buried in his chest as you both laughed about something he couldn’t remember.
Jay struggled to recognize himself.
He didn't remember what it was like to be so happy anymore, to smile so much his jaw hurt, to feel his heart full of joy. By now he no longer smiled, if it wasn't for the strained and fake smiles he addressed to colleagues and friends from time to time.
He was so fucking happy with you and he had let slip the only source of such happiness, the only person who had ever managed to make him almost touch the sky with a finger.
He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek as his finger traced the outline of your figure imprinted in the picture. This was all he had left. Just some photos and videos.
You were so beautiful, the most gorgeous woman his eyes had ever had the pleasure of laying on and the way you smiled in those photos, God, your smile was breathtaking.
The movie played in the background as he continued to look back at all the photos and videos of you he had saved in his gallery for the millionth time. He would’ve let someone rip his organs out with bare hands and let them being sold on the black market if it meant having you back.
He wanted nothing more than to go back to those happy and carefree times, to those moments he seemed to take for granted.
What would he have done to be able to make you laugh like that again, to hug you so hard until he took your breath away. What would he have given to have you back with him, to be able to open the car door for you, to hear you sing all the songs you knew on the radio or to be able to take you to your favorite restaurant and watch you stuff yourself with food with your eyes shining with joy until you exploded.
What he would’ve given to see you watch your favorite movie a thousand more times and be moved every single time while he hugged you and dried the tears you always denied having.
What would he even give to see you so grumpy and sad when your period was about to come but how that nervousness instantly disappeared and how your face lit up the moment he went to your house with a bag full of chocolate and junk food.
What would he have given to be able to sleep beside you again, to be able to cradle you in his arms and whisper sweet words until you fell asleep when you weren't sleepy or when, on the contrary, you denied you were sleepy but ended up falling asleep literally three minutes later . What would he have given to open his eyes in the morning and see you lying next to him, with only the sheet covering your body, to see your hair scattered on the pillow and some strands in front of your face, or feel your scent invade his nostrils every time you were close to him.
And, damn it, he would’ve given anything to even take back your cooking and your terribly prepared dishes. He missed going to your house and seeing the kitchen upside down with literally all the dirty dishes and pots. God, you were a terrible cook but he loved so much the immense effort you put into cooking something you knew he loved and yet he still ate whatever you made for him with a smile on his face, not admitting the food was overcooked or raw or even charred, just so he could see the look of pure joy on your face as he ate it.
He had never left a single plate full.
And that was the difference between you and him.
You always tried hard for him, you always tried to improve, to bite the bullet even if you didn't like something just so as not to bother him. You did it until you reached your breaking point and he understood this, even if it was too late.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn't accept in any way the most beautiful things that ever happened to him had ended that way and above all because of him.
He couldn’t stop thinking about you.
What were you doing? Were you thinking of him? Did you miss him? How were you?
It had been two fucking months since he had seen you, that he hadn't heard from you even though he had tried several times to call you and text you even though – understandably – you had never replied to him. He went to your house so many times he couldn’t count them but every single time before knocking on your door he’d froze, not knowing what to do and fearing your reaction. So he turned and walked away, not sparing himself crying like a three-year-old.
He had asked his friends with whom you had kept in touch about you but they said it wasn't their place to say things that concerned you since you two have broken up and that he had to stop hurting himself and take the matter in his hands.
Jay had stopped going out, his life was now home-work work-home. He didn't even know how he managed to do his job, let alone think about going out and sitting at a bar.
The truth was that he was scared as hell.
He was afraid to see you again, he was afraid to look at you and know you no longer gave a fuck about him, he was afraid of how he’d react after so long without seeing you.
He jumped when he heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped away his tears, locking the phone and throwing it on the couch before getting up and going to see who it was.
Oh, and the cell phone was new obviously. He didn't want to think back to how he had destroyed the old one by throwing it furiously against the wall.
“Will what are you doing here?” Jay asked as he opened the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him.
“Go get dressed, we’re going out.”
“I'm not going anywhere, I'm watching a movie.” He sat back on the couch, looking at the TV even though he didn't even remember the name of the movie.
“It wasn't a request Jay. I've had enough of seeing you like this. You have to take your life into your own hands, aren't you tired of this?”
Jay rolled his eyes. “Will just leave me alone please, I don't want to go out.”
Will walked over and took the remote control before turning off the TV and placing it back on the coffee table. “Like I said, it wasn't a request. Go get dressed, let's go to a bar for a drink and we are not going Molly's don't worry. You need to get out Jay, you've been doing nothing but staying inside the house for two months.”
“Will… I swear to God,” Jay scolded, feeling his anger and irritation grow more and more.
“No brother, listen to me. I know it hurts, I can only imagine how much but it's time you start to move on. I know you still love her but it's full of people out there you might know. She left you and it was probably for the best...”
Jay didn't even let him finish his sentence.
He suddenly got up and grabbed him by the shirt, seething with anger and refraining from giving him a punch just because he was his brother.
“If you know what's best for you, don't even dare to finish the sentence,” he spat through clenched teeth and Will nodded, knowing he was in no condition to think clearly. Jay let him go but the anger was still there.
“Jay, listen I'm sorry…”
“No fuck you! How can you think it’s better this way? How could you say that! She is the best for me, if it’s not her I don't want anyone else. After all this time, you know what I’ve been through since we were just friend, you know how I won't be able to love anyone like I love her so stop trying to pair me with someone every fucking opportunity you get, I'm sick of it!”.
Will nodded, feeling guilty for pushing his brother so hard. “I’m sorry Jay, you’re right I went too far but I’m just worried about you. I hate seeing you this way and I wasn't kidding about taking back your life. You can't keep going like this,” he said “Let's at least go have a drink and get some fresh air, I promise I won't say anything else.”
So this was how Jay found himself sitting at a bar he had never been to before with his brother – who had also invited other friends besides those from the unit – regretting the fucking moment he agreed with that shit.
Hailey was there too but he didn't even say hello to her or gave her single glance. He didn't care although he knew she had nothing to do with it but he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her.
Don't blame others for your bullshit and for not being able to keep your girlfriend, his conscience added.
Jay ended up drinking and getting drunk until he couldn't stand without help. He wasn't the type to drink but in that moment he would’ve done anything to just stop thinking about you even for just a minute. But the thing was that even when he was drunk he couldn't stop blurting out your name and not think about you, so this was no use.
Will ended up letting him sleep at his house, not feeling like leaving him alone, a chasm in his heart while looking at his brother reduced to that state and not being able to do anything to help him.
“Oh Y/n what have you done do to my brother,” he sighed before casting one last glance at Jay asleep on the bed in the guest room before closing the door behind him.
But if only Will had known what conditions you were in too, he would’ve asked this same question to you.
What have Jay done to you?
In the two months after the breakup, not a day had gone by without not wanting him back and cry in his arms, telling him you regretted leaving him.
It was hard, damn it was, but you had to be strong.
You didn't know how you didn't give in but no matter how much you loved him, no matter how much your heart ached agonizingly, you couldn't go back, not if there was no change.
You believed that at least after the break up he’d try to fight for your relationship, that he’d demonstrate he loved you as much as he professed but you started to wonder if it was even true or not.
The passing of those two months could be compared to riding a roller coaster. One day you were angry like never before, another you seemed to feel better, another you had to ask for a work leave because you had spent the night crying all the tears you had in your body until you didn't even have the strength to get up the next morning.
You had also discovered that alcohol could be a good companion but after three weeks of continuous drinking and you calling some of your friends in tears, you realized it really wasn't that good and it made you think of Jay more than you normally did. You lost count of the number of times your friends had taken your cell phone from you to prevent you from calling Jay in your drunken state.
But you missed that bastard son of a bitch so much.
And you hated yourself because you couldn't hate him even when he had made you suffer.
You asked yourself so many times if it had been the right decision, if you hadn't made it too hastily, letting yourself be guided solely by your negative emotions.
No, your conscience quickly intervened when these thoughts crept into your mind.
You had already spoken up to him many times, you had explained to him how uncomfortable his friendship with Hailey made you feel but he had decided to ignore your words and not give importance to them. All of this hurt you so damn much, especially knowing he didn't care enough like you thought he did.
It didn't matter how much you had to suffer, this wasn’t what you wanted for yourself.
You didn't want to have to beg for his attention, you didn't want to have to tearfully tell him every single time how bad the way he talked and laughed with her made you feel or how ignored you felt sometimes. You wanted a carefree love, you wanted a love where the person next to you took you above all others, a love where your man saw no other person but you, you wanted a love so intense you had to be the center of his world.
And you really thought you won the lottery with Jay.
He was the perfect man for you, or at least he had been for the first few months. God what would you have given to relive those times. They were pure heaven, you felt like you were constantly floating on clouds, almost exploding with happiness. You really felt like the center of his world and you wondered what had happened, why everything had fallen apart.
Maybe you were too pretentious, maybe you lived too much on fairy tales and romance novels, maybe you were destined to be alone and not meet anyone who’d give you what you wanted. Maybe you had to settle down and lower your expectations.
But no, damn it, you’d didn’t want to do that.
You’d never settle for a mediocre love or a person who gave you the bare minimum, even if it meant dying alone.
You knew Jay was and would forever be the one and only, you wouldn’t be able to love anyone like you loved him.
“Y/n you still there?” Stella's voice brought you back to reality.
“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just… A little bit lost in my thoughts.”
You and Stella were taking a walk in the park after your shift, even though it was cold. You had initially refused, wanting nothing more than to go home and cry yourself to sleep as you looked at the photos of you with Jay and regretted the love you had probably lost forever. But Stella didn't want to listen and you had to thank her. You wouldn't have known what to do if she hadn't been there in those two months. She had truly become your rock.
“Don't worry, I get it,” she replied with a sweet smile on her face. “You want to tell me what were you thinking about?”.
“No, I don't really want to talk about it, I've already stressed you out enough with this whole thing,” you said, putting your frozen hands in your jacket’s pockets. There was almost no one in that park if it hadn't been for a few passers-by who were taking their dog for a walk.
Autumn had already begun, the trees were mostly almost all bare from their leaves and you couldn't help but feel like them. Empty, bare, devoid of any emotion other than a sense of loss and profound sadness.
I hate you Jay Halstead.
And I also love you so damn much.
“Y/n I told you a thousand times not to keep things inside, I'm here and I’ll happily listen to you, don't think for a second you can be a burden to me.”
You turned to her and gave her a smile, perhaps one of the only sincere ones you'd given in the last two months. You felt your eyes fill with tears and you cursed yourself for feeling so emotional, how you seemed to do anything but cry at the smallest thing.
She understood you instantly, even when you looked away from her and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you an encouraging hug.
You let out a sigh as the cold air prickled your face, immediately wiping away a lone tear that slid down your cheek.
“I don’t know Stella, I’m so confused…” you started to speak “I miss him so much and I… I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.”
“I know you miss him, it's natural Y/n. Don't pressure yourself about this, give yourself time to get over it, it's only been two months,” she paused for a moment, giving you a look, “But you don't want to get over it, do you?”.
How did she know exactly how you felt?
You nodded feebly, feeling terribly stupid.
“I don't want to go on without him, I don't know how to do it... He made me feel like shit and all I can think about is that I’d love nothing more than for him to knock on my door,” you spoke, giving voice to your thoughts “I feel so stupid because I should be mad at him and fuck I am, I wish he had fought for us, I wish he hadn't limited himself to few stupid calls and texts, I wish he had listened to me when I talked to him about our problems, but… God, at the same time if he came back I know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat because I don't know how to be without him...” tears were now streaming down your face and Stella listened to you carefully while she continued to keep her arm around your shoulder. “Am I being crazy?”.
“Oh darling, of course you aren’t. Like I said, it is more than normal, in fact I’d be worried if you didn't feel this way.”
“Was I stupid to leave him?”.
“No, you did the right thing if that’s what you felt, I would probably have done the same thing if Kelly did this or worse. Even if you love Jay to death that doesn't mean you have to spend your relationship feeling anxious every time you see him with Hailey or constantly worrying that something might happen between the two of them, or asking him to spend time with you and take you on dates or something like that. It's best to set the record straight from the start, if there's one thing you shouldn't do it's keep it all inside you. Just know that sooner or later you will explode and believe me, if you had done this the outcome would’ve been far worse.”
“I know, I know… You’re right,” you sighed “But when will this end?” you sniffed at the same time she handed you a tissue.
“I wish I could answer that Y/n, but unfortunately this is love. It's beautiful and ugly, it's joy and pain. I always thought love and hate were two sides of the same coin and it doesn't take much to erase the line between them,” she sighed, feeling sorry for you.
“Well, love sucks right now.”
You both let out a laugh and you dried you tears, again. “Trust me honey I know but… Can I tell you what I think?”.
“Yes, please.”
“I think if fate wants it, it’ll bring you back together. Darling, you two broke up not because the love ended but because you reached the breaking point after so much tension and arguments. I’m one hundred percent sure that everything happened between you was due to communication problems: he didn't fully understand your problems and you didn't have the patience to make him understand them,” she softly spoke.
“Unfortunately, you have to understand you’re two different people honey and as such you have different thoughts and views of life so what’s important for you doesn’t mean it will be as much as important for him and vice versa. He wasn’t good at understanding this and I think this was his fault; he had to put himself in your shoes, and you couldn't take it the fact he didn’t immediately get why his relationship with Hailey – along with other issues – made you feel the way you felt,” she took a pause while you listened with meticulous attention to every single word.
“He was superficial, this is true, but his problem didn't come from this. Think for a second how it must’ve felt to be constantly accused of something that I myself am certain isn’t the truth, to feel the lack of trust from the person you love,” she continued to speak as you both kept waking slowly.
“Y/n that man lives and breathes for you, his heart beats for no one but you, I see the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you when you’re not there. I saw the way he’s struggling right now and I’m very sure if you called him this very moment he’d be here begging you on his knees to come back with him. I’m not on his side though, like I said, I really think you guys just had communication issues and you need a little more patience with each other. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing, on the contrary, I think this breakup however painful, could be the turning point for you and I'm one hundred percent sure you’ll get back together, just mark my words.”
-
You spent the following weekend locked in your house avoiding any social interaction.
You did nothing but think over and over again about Stella's words during your walk and you would’ve been lying if you said the idea of calling Jay or going to him hadn't crossed your mind more intensely than before.
You didn't do it though, fear and pride blocking you.
What if he had moved on? What if he had already forgotten about you? What if he hooked up with Hailey?
No, no, no, fuck no.
These questions continued to haunt you and were what stopped you from doing something stupid. You wouldn't have been able to bear it, you weren't ready to know this and probably never would’ve been.
It had been two months since you had seen him or heard from him but every time you wanted to ask your friends about him you stopped yourself out of pure selfishness, because you were afraid of the answer. You knew if they answered those unexpressed questions and make your fears reality, it would’ve killed you. You’d never recover, no matter how dramatic and absurd that sounded.
Selfishly speaking, you hoped he was feeling as shitty as you were, just because that would’ve meant he still cared about you and that you were still somewhere in his mind like he was constantly in yours.
Monday came slowly and you were never so grateful for it, feared that if you were left alone with your mind another day you’d shoot your brain out with a rifle.
You entered the shower with the intention of washing yourself quickly, trying to ignore the memories of the ones you took with Jay.
“God please, stop,” you whispered to yourself. Why didn’t it get easier? Why couldn't you do anything without some fucking thing reminding you of him? Why couldn't you just forget?
You burst into tears, letting them mix with the tap water that wet your face. You leaned against the cold tiles, as you sobbed into your hands covering your face.
You couldn't take it anymore.
It was getting unbearable.
You placed a hand at your heart level, feeling how it was beating wildly. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and as numerous sobs came out of your mouth and copious tears from your eyes, you started to feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, as if the walls had suddenly started to close around you.
You were familiar with that feeling unfortunately, it wasn't the first time it had happened to you in those last two months and all you could do was just let it happen, sit on the ground and wait for it to pass.
And that was exactly what you did, sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit your back until it got cold and you calmed down.
When you arrived at work you felt like a zombie.
You hadn't had breakfast, your twisted stomach prevented you from being able to swallow any food, and you felt rather weak.
Absurdly you hoped there would be an accident, a fire, any kind of thing that would allow you to keep your mind occupied for at least a few hours.
And for once in your life, fate seemed to follow your will.
Your team was called to the scene of an accident that very morning, a couple of hours after you arrived at the fire station. It was a road accident, a car had crashed into a guardrail and the victim was trapped in the vehicle.
When you arrived at the crime scene it started raining, making that shitty day even shittier.
You didn't have time to think about the rain, you had a person to save but it made the job even more difficult. The car was completely destroyed in the front and there were pieces of glass from the car windows and braking marks on the asphalt, making you wonder how fast the driver was going to end up in that state. You were even surprised he was still alive.
“Hey buddy just hang on okay? We'll get you out of there, just hold on for a few minutes and don't make sudden movements,” you tried to reassure him, slightly leaning forward so you could look at him. The driver was a boy who couldn’t have exceeded the age of twenty and he was about to have a panic attack. You didn't blame him though, no one would want to be in that situation.
“Get me out of here!” He kept screaming.
You and the other firefighters on the scene worked together to get the victim out of the car which was now reduced to a pile of scrap that looked more like a can of tuna.
You managed to get him out of the car but not before putting a collar around his neck to stabilize the cervical vertebrae in case they were fractured. You and your colleague, Alex, removed him from the car and immediately placed him on the stretcher, locking the straps around his body.
Even though he was almost out of danger, the stranger continued to move, shouting to let him go.
“Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me! It's okay, you're safe now. They’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll treat you okay?” You tried for the umpteenth time to calm the boy down before looking at the paramedics and nodding at them, signing they could finally transport the victim on the ambulance.
“Y/n! Come here!” Alex's voice caught your attention and you joined him towards the crashed car.
“Am I tripping or does this look like blood?” He asked, pointing to the rear trunk which was closed and from which streams of what certainly appeared to be blood were coming out.
“Holy shit,” you let out and you both exchanged a worried look. “Take the crowbar.”
With no small amount of ease you managed to open the trunk and nothing could have prepared you for what you found yourselves facing.
“Fuck!” “Oh shit!” You and Alex exclaimed almost at the same time, covering your noses from the nauseating smell that had hit you right in the face, simultaneously taking steps backwards.
There was a fucking dead body in the trunk of that car and in that moment you understood why the driver was so agitated and in a hurry to run away.
“Call the police.”
It was the Intelligence who intervened at the crime scene and it wasn't even necessary to say you were a bundle of nerves. Your stomach was churning in anxiety as you tried to stay calm, the thought of having to see Jay again almost made you throw up.
You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw Antonio arrive alone, fuck, you weren't ready to face Jay, not on the crime scene where you had found a body.
“Mornin’ guys. So what do we have here?” Antonio asked as soon as he greeted you and Alex. He gave you a longer look than usual, giving you a smile that screamed pity and sorrow.
God, did you look that bad?
Alex explained the situation and everything that happened while you listened. The rain was incessant and by now all your hair was sticking to your forehead even though it was tied up in a ponytail. The cold was almost unbearable even though you were wearing your uniform jacket which was quite heavy.
You were talking to Antonio after Alex got back to your other colleagues when you saw him and you almost had a heart attack.
Jay.
You froze in place, feeling all your muscles suddenly atrophy and paralyze. You blinked several times, fearing you were having a hallucination.
“Y/n? You okay?” Antonio's voice reached your ears very far away, your attention focused on the only person who had ever made your heart beat so fast you feared it’d stop.
You know when you hear in a movie the characters say time stops when they see the person they love?
You had always thought it was just a cliché thing but in that moment you really realized how truth that statement was.
Everything seemed to disappear, rain evaporated, people vanished.
It was two months. Two months of not seeing him. Two months of pure torture and hell and now he was there in front of you, beautiful as the sun.
He was wearing a jacket whose pockets he had put his hands in, a hood covering his hair as he walked towards the yellow police tape. He put a hand out of his pocket to lift it and go under it after nodding to the cops, tucking his hand back into his pocket immediately afterwards.
You felt your knees give away and you didn't know how you managed not to collapse there in front of everyone.
But it was when your eyes met that your breath was completely knocked out of your lungs.
Jay stopped in his tracks instantly, as if he'd bumped into something. He couldn't help but widen his eyes and part his lips as his brain processed the vision in front of him.
Was it really you? Wasn't he dreaming?
The cold vanished almost instantly as a sensation of heat coursed through his body, causing every cell in his system to light up on fire. He didn't expect to see you, not like that and not after two months.
He had to repress the desire to run to you and throw himself at your feet and pray for your forgiveness. He was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions.
Happiness.
Sadness.
Repentance.
Emptiness.
Anger.
Pain.
The memories of your last meeting overwhelmed him. His heart shattered even more than it already was when he remembered the last time he had seen and spoken to you, you both had shouted the worst evil things at each other.
It's over.
Even from afar your eyes managed to hypnotize him but he couldn't help but notice how the light that characterized them, that light in those eyes he continuously dreamed about and which he still loved with all his being, had disappeared.
And it was his fault, he was the one who did this to you.
He had noticed the dark circles surrounding your eyes, perhaps even worse than his, and guilt was added to all those feelings he felt.
It was all his fault.
His eyes filled with tears when you looked away, wanting nothing more than to run away and cry.
He saw Antonio turn towards him and give him a look before returning his attention to you and saying something. Jay didn't have the strength to get closer, the fear was paralyzing him. He couldn’t even let out a sound.
But how much he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved you, so deeply you made completely lose his mind to the point he couldn’t breathe without you, sleep, or even eat.
He just stood there like an idiot while staring at you, not moving a single muscle.
You’re so fucking mesmerizing Y/n. How can someone be so beautiful?
You said something to Antonio and looked at Jay again before turning your back and walking away, joining the rest of your colleagues who were about to go back to the fire station.
“Halstead you okay?” Antonio asked as he approached him but Jay didn't even seem to listen to him as his eyes were following your every move. “Jay.”
“I'm fine,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off you. You were taking some tools he couldn't even identify and loading it onto the fire truck.
“Jay, man, look at me please.”
But he didn't.
He didn't take his eyes off you until you got into the truck and drove away, not before you exchanged another look.
Jay let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding, then ran his hands over his face wet because of the rain.
He looked at the gray sky for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain control of himself.
He hated all of this. He hated you still had so much control over him, his thoughts, how you managed to mess him up so badly he couldn't properly function anymore. You had such power over him and you didn't even know it. How the fuck could you even doubt he didn't care about you?
“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he realized how idiotic he must have looked.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“How is she?”.
Antonio sighed. “She… She’s not doing very well Jay, she was shaking when she saw you. Why don't you just talk to her and solve your problems? It's so obvious that neither of you are over it yet.”
It was now late afternoon and Jay was out of his mind.
For the rest of the day he thought of nothing but you and meeting you that morning. Even as the team investigated the case about the body you found, everyone had noticed how his mind was totally elsewhere.
He said something from time to time, participating in the investigations when he seemed to wake up from his thoughts and then immediately distanced himself from them again.
He didn't miss Voight's lecture, who chided him about how distracted he had been lately. He told him he understood the hard time he was going through but that he should leave his problems outside the district.
He was quite understanding, even when Jay came to him and told him he no longer wanted to be partnered with Hailey, but enough was enough. Jay had to be concentrated, he couldn't afford distractions in a job like his because just one small mistake could’ve cost him his life.
“What happened man? You seem even more out of your mind than usual today,” Adam stated when he entered the break room and saw his friend sitting on the small sofa, looking down and a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.
“I saw her,” Jay replied softly.
“What? Seriously? When? Have you guys talked?”.
Jay shook his head. “This morning, at the crime scene, she was one of the firefighters there,” he sighed as his mind was haunted by your eyes “We didn't talk. I just looked at her from afar.”
Adam sighed as he poured himself some coffee too. “How much longer are you planning to go on like this? You're becoming unbearable Halstead.”
“Excuse me?”.
“Yes, you heard me mate. You’ve been a pain the ass. Either you get back with her or move on, just stop crying to yourself like a baby and do something. Are you waiting for a fucking miracle to get you back together? Then you can wait forever because it will never happen. You make your own destiny.”
Jay looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or feeling offended.
But damn, was he right.
He was tired of feeling this way, of this continuing suffering, of being without you. It had been too long and he didn't want to live that way anymore. He no longer wanted to wake up in the morning and constantly wonder when the damn day would end, he no longer wanted to roll over in bed and not seeing you lying next to him, he no longer wanted to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmare where you were happily in love with another man.
He wanted to be your man, he wanted to give you all the happiness you deserved, he wanted to be the one to give you everything you needed.
He had been so stupid for even letting this much time pass.
All he had to do was go to you and do everything within his power to make you truly trust him again, to proving you how much he loved you, how much his world revolved only around you, how much only you made him happy.
Either it was you or he’d die in total solitude and he didn't want that. He wanted to be with you, he wanted to die like a decrepit old man while he held your hand.
He hadn't spent so many years of friendship longing for you only to give up like that and let you go, he couldn't do that. He didn’t want to live with that ‘if’, with the fear of taking a few steps towards you because he was afraid of your rejection, even if it would’ve hurt him, he wanted to give his all.
For this reason he placed the cup of coffee on the table and ran away at the speed of light, leaving Adam standing there who, however, immediately understood the intentions of his friend and grinned to himself.
Jay didn't bother wearing his jacket or getting an umbrella to protect himself from the rain that was pouring incessantly since the morning, not caring about anything other than coming to you.
Although it was only 5:30 PM, it was already dark outside. The rain was pounding so hard the walk from the district to his car was enough to get him soaked from head to toe.
If in other moments he would’ve torn a limb rather than get into the car with his soaked clothes and wet the seats, in that instant it was the last thing on his mind. He thought about how you’d react seeing him in that situation, he knew you’d tease him forever. Just the thought made him smile.
It was Monday and he knew you had a double shift that day so he drove to the fire station at the speed of light, hoping to find you there. He didn't care you were in the middle of the shift, he just needed to see you.
He parked the car crookedly, got out and ran towards the fire station. The first person he met was Stella, who looked at him with a weird look as soon as she noticed the condition he was in.
“Stella, hi... Where is Y/n? I need to talk to her.”
He gave her a confused look at her when he saw her slightly grinning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Finally Halstead, took you long enough don't you think? Two months…”
“I know, I've been a stupid piece of shit,” he interrupted her not being able to contain himself anymore “But please tell me where she is.”
“She went home an hour and a half ago, she said she wasn't feeling well.”
Worry took over. “Wait what? Did something happened?”.
Stella rolled her eyes. “You're such an idiot Jay. Physically she's fine, emotionally not much and it's because of you,” she pointed her index finger at his chest. “You better fix the mess you've made.”
He felt like shit, more than he already was. He hated the thought of you being in pain, especially because of him. “I'll try, if she still wants to talk to me.”
“She has every reason not to,” Stella commented.
He nodded. She was right. “She’s home right?”.
“Last time I checked, yes.”
“Thank you Stella.”
Jay started to walk away but her voice made him stop.
“I never want to see her cry again Jay so if you don't believe in what you're doing and if you think you can't give her what she needs you better turn around and drive your stupid ass back to your house,” she threatened him. “She wouldn't be able to go through everything she's been through these past few months again, so I'm warning you, I'll rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings if you make her suffer again.”
“I'm not going to Stella, she…” he sighed trying to find the right words to describe how he felt about you “She is my whole world, I've never been as sure of anything as I am of how much I love her, I just want her back.”
Stella nodded. “Now go.”
When Jay arrived outside your apartment building, a wave of relief went through him as he noticed your car was parked in its usual spot. But it was soon replaced by disappointment when after knocking your door several times there was no answer.
He thought about calling you but he didn't want to scare you away, he didn't want you to have the chance to escape since he wanted to talk to you at all costs.
He went outside again, and sat on the steps outside the main entrance waiting for you, his head bowed as droplets of water were falling on the asphalt. He luckily managed to sit where the rain wouldn’t come although the still soaked clothes were starting to bother him. He didn't care though, this was truly the last thing on his mind.
Where were you? Were you alone? Were you with anyone else?
He shook his head. He didn't even want to think about it, knowing he’d most likely get a life sentence without parole if he ever saw another man next to you.
He didn’t also want to think it wouldn’t be his businesses since you two weren’t together anymore.
Contrary to what Jay thought, you had just gone for a walk, unable to stay at home since you were afraid if you were left alone with your thoughts again you’d go crazy. You thought you were stupid for asking to leave early from work so you could stay at home and rest but then didn't want to stay because the anguish was so intense you couldn't even sit still.
So you ended up taking an umbrella and going out for a walk, without a specific destination. You just wanted to clear your head and get some fresh air. Even though the rain was bothering you since that morning, you still loved the sound of it and the smell it left in the air.
Seeing Jay had shocked you more than you would’ve ever imagined, even though you knew quite well how it’d end. You had wondered numerous times what it’d be like to meet him again after two months of not hearing from him, you knew it wouldn't be easy, but you didn't think it would’ve such a deep effect on you to not even let you do your job.
It was as if you jumped back to the day you broke up and that very little progress you had made over the course of those months disintegrated as soon as you met his beautiful eyes.
You walked for a time that seemed infinite to you even though barely an hour had passed and when your hands started to lose sensitivity due to the cold, you decided it was the time to head back home.
The journey to your apartment building took longer than expected, not in a hurry to return to those four cold walls as you knew the rough night awaited you. That is, crying and alcohol.
But if you had known what – or rather who – awaited you, you would’ve run until your lungs burned.
“Jay…”
You almost had a heart attack when you noticed the figure sitting on those steps, recognizing immediately the very and only man who managed to take your breath away and the ground off your feet with just a look.
You immediately saw how soakes wet his clothes were and how he wasn't even wearing a jacket over his long-sleeved shirt and your heart ached painfully.
How long was he there?
He shoot his gaze up from the ground when he heard your voice, fearing for a moment it was too good to be true and you weren't really there. He stood up quickly, standing in front of you.
“What are you doing here?” You asked with a shaky voice, struggling to hold the eye contact. Why did you want to cry so suddenly?
“I… I’m sorry for popping in here unannounced, I need to talk to you.”
Your stomach tightened in a vice, though you knew you had no other choice. You had to do it, you needed it too.
You nodded. “Let's go upstairs though.” You continued, feeling your heart break at thought he might catch something.
He nodded back and at the same time let out a sneeze before looking down in embarrassment. If it wasn’t for the fact you had broken up badly and this was the first time you interacted since that faithful day, you would’ve found it funny.
You closed your umbrella and entered your apartment building, aware Jay was behind you, and you both walked up to your home in complete silence.
Jay almost burst into tears when you opened the door and let him in, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. He could smell your scent perfectly – well it was normal since it was your house – but he missed it so fucking much he thought he’d collapse on the floor.
He looked around, noticing everything was the same, but different at the same time. Two months had passed since he had set foot in that house but it seemed like an eternity since it had been the worst time of his life.
Silence reigned supreme as he looked at you taking off your jacket and hung it on the coat rack, after placing the wet umbrella in its stand.
You disappeared into your room for a moment and he stood there frozen, not knowing what to do.
He hated that feeling so fucking much, he hated not knowing how to act around you, what to say or what to do. You had always been his best friend, the person he felt most at peace with, you were the love of his life and yet at that moment he couldn't even look at you in the eyes without feeling like complete shit.
“I brought you some dry clothes, you can go change and put the wet ones in the dryer,” you said as soon as you walked out of your room, holding some folded clothes that Jay immediately recognized as his.
A little hope lit up inside him.
You still had his clothes, a black t-shirt and sweatpants. He had even forgotten you had them in first place but the relief and joy he felt from that small gesture almost made him burst into tears.
God I feel like a fucking emotional teenage girl.
“I thought you threw them away,” he replied, moving closer to you. You shook your head, but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to do it. If only he had known you had spent nights wearing those clothes and smelling his scent while crying yourself to sleep.
He took them and as he did it your hands touched.
You both tried to maintain a neutral facade but from the brief glance you exchanged you knew it affected both of you at the same way. It was as if an electric shock ran through your bodies and that small, almost imperceptible touch was enough to throw both of you into a whirlwind of indescribable emotions.
“Uhm… I-I… Well… I’ll just go,” he stammered before running to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Y/n what are you doing to me,” he whispered, resting his forehead on the door as he caught his breath.
You let out a deep breath you didn't realize you were holding, placing a hand on your chest in an attempt to slow down your heart that was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to escape from your rib cage.
“I need a drink,” you said to yourself and went to the kitchen with the intention of drinking something strong.
You were still processing what was happening.
Jay was at your house.
Your ex-boyfriend and the love of your fucking life was at your house, in your bathroom, changing his wet clothes.
You tried to convince yourself it was reality and not just your dream as you poured some whiskey into a glass and downed it in one gulp like a shot.
You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't even realize Jay was back. You gave him a look, cursing yourself as you did since Jay in black was one of your weaknesses.
Lord please have mercy on my poor soul.
“How long have you been a whiskey drinker?”.
“Do you really want to know?” You responded with another question, looking up at him and taking another shot of alcohol, the burn along your throat now quite familiar.
You looked at each other for a few seconds and he shook his head slightly, knowing full well the answer to that question. He lowered his eyes to the floor, the guilt too strong.
“You want something?” You politely asked as you closed the bottle.
“No, thank you.” He wanted to talk to you as clearly as possible.
You nodded and placed the dirty glass in the sink.
Silence reigned supreme again and you walked past him before going into the living room and sitting on the couch. Your palms were sweating and you wondered why this had to be so damn hard.
Jay followed you like a puppy, but remained standing.
“You can sit Jay.”
He never thought about it but his name never sounded so wonderful until he heard you say it. Everything that came out of your lips was pure poetry to his ears, except when you insulted him, that was like getting stabbed by thousands knives.
He sat down on the couch, painfully far away from you.
“How are you?“ Was the first thing Jay asked and he mentally smacked himself on the forehead for his stupidity. He hadn't seen you for two months after you two had a horrible breakup and the smartest thing he could think of was ‘how are you?’.
Fucking dumbass.
You raised your head and your eyes met his, looking at him with an indecipherable expression. “You want the honest truth?”.
“Always.”
“Not very good Jay,” you gave a fake tight half smile “And now that you're here even less so.”
He sighed, obviously expecting this response, leaning back on the couch as he thought about what he could say.
“I'm sorry.” Was all he could spit out.
You imitated his gesture and leaned against the back of the sofa too, crossing your fingers over your belly while your eyes were fixed on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.
You both remained silent for a moment. You looking at the ceiling and him looking at you.
With his eyes he traced the outline of your profile in meticulous detail, thinking about how much he missed being able to be close to you and look at you. He analyzed every inch of skin of your face, taking pictures with his gaze with the hope of imprinting them all in his memory in case he was no longer able to look at you like that.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” you asked, not looking at him.
He had to bite his tongue to keep from telling you how beautiful you were, fearing he’d get nothing more than a slap in the face, probably deserved too.
“So many things but I don’t know where to begin, I… I had a speech but I can’t even remember my own name now.”
You turned your head towards him and you looked at each other for a while in a way Jay couldn’t decipher, making him wish he could read your mind.
Your eyes never left each other as silence filled the room, the air was so tense it could be cut with a knife.
“How did we end up like this Jay?” It was you who broke the silence after a while, your voice so low you thought he hadn't even heard you.
“It was my fault,” he replied without hesitation “I… You were right Y/n, I was a shitty boyfriend,” he continued referring to what you had told him that fateful morning.
“No, it was my…”
“No bab- Y/n…” he tried to correct himself but it was too late because your heart had already skipped a beat. “I won't let you think it was your fault. I neglected you, I took you for granted, I was arrogant enough to think that once we got together we could just be happy without any effort. But I was wrong, I didn't realize I had hurt you so much and believe me... Please believe me, I’ll spend the rest of my days beating myself for this.”
“I hurt you too…” you whispered, feeling your eyes full of tears and afraid you’d start crying at any moment.
His chest tightened as he saw your sad expression and God only knew how much he wanted to hug you, holding you so tightly to his chest until he’d make all your pain go away.
He shook his head. “You were just angry, now I know, I understand it. I know your constant arguing with me was your way of telling me I wasn't doing enough for you and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this… I… I'm sorry for making you doubt me and I’ll never forgive myself for that Y/n because I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in life.”
Hearing those words made those little defenses you had managed to built collapse. You got up suddenly as tears ran down your cheeks, wiping them away in the process. You stood by the window, turning your back to him so he wouldn't see you.
He stood up right after you and carefully approached you. He moved his hands with the intention of resting them on your shoulders to comfort you but he stopped, not wanting to overstep your boundaries and make the situation even worse.
“Look at me Y/n please, I need to look into your eyes,” he whispered in a pleading tone. You quickly wiped your tears with your palms and turned to him, but kept your gaze lowered. “Hey…” He called your attention and you finally looked up at him. Your eyes were incredibly shiny from the tears but they had never been more beautiful than they were in that moment and finally being able to look at them so closely was like being punched in the stomach.
“I don't blame you, I don't blame you for a single thing you did or said, I hope you know that. I'm angry at myself for not giving you what you needed and for not realizing in time you were slipping through my fingers,” he confessed, “I haven't been fair to you, I've been superficial and selfish and… I stupidly thought our love would be enough for everything to go easy, but I was so wrong, because love is not just this, love is also understanding, patience, compromise and I failed giving you this...” he talked so softly it made your heart hurt.
Tears continued to leak from your eyes down your cheeks as you listened to the words you had wanted to hear for so long. This was all you ever wanted.
“I hate seeing you like this and I hate myself more for being the cause of it,” he continued in a whisper as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything else. “Can I?”.
You nodded without even knowing what he was referring to and your subconscious cursed you for reacting so quickly to whatever he said.
He lifted his hands and cupped them gently on your face, wiping away every tear with his thumbs with so gentle movements you thought you were dreaming of his touch.
You closed your eyes at that touch while at the same time letting out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter how long you denied it to yourself, you missed that man like oxygen, you were nothing without him.
“I hope you'll forgive me one day even though I know I don't deserve it…” his voice broke at the last words and with a blow to your heart you realized that he too was crying.
“Jay don't-…” you managed to mutter with a shaky voice.
“No, wait, please, let me talk,” he interrupted you, sniffling and never leaving your gaze “I need to tell you these things, I need you to know how much I care about you and how much I love you. I…” he stopped again, unable to continue moving forward and lowered his gaze, not being able to look at you anymore.
“Can I?” You whispered back and his eyes met yours again, chuckling through his tears before nodding. That time you were the one wiping away his tears with your fingers, gently stroking his skin with your thumbs, enjoying that sensation you missed so badly.
“Fuck baby, I don't deserve you.” He murmured hoarsely. “But I'm too selfish to let you go.”
His thumbs continued to caress your cheeks as you slid your arms to your sides.
“Let me decide that.”
“Before you do I want you to know I’ve never for a second stopped thinking about you. These past months have been pure hell, a fucking nightmare and I deserve it, for the way I treated you but I'm so pissed at myself because you didn't deserve it at all,” He croaked “I disrespected you by not respecting your wishes, and not giving your feelings the importance they deserved but I swear to you Y/n, I swear to you because you’re the most important person in my fucking life,” he looked intensely into your eyes, so much as if he somehow hoped you could read his soul. “Nothing has ever happened with Hailey or any other woman and I am so sorry I made you doubt it with the way I acted.”
“You’re the only woman of my life, you’re the woman I want to build my future with, you’re the woman I want to marry, you’re the woman I want to be the mother of my children, you’re the woman with whom I want to grow old and with whom I want to die,” he spat out as more lonely tears marked his cheeks, tears you immediately took and wiped away without hesitation. He softly smiled, making your heart race and your breath quicken, as he leaned against your touch.
“I can't exist without you, I can't function if you're not here baby and I wish I could let you into my head and heart… Fuck… You wouldn't doubt for even a second every fucking cell of my body don't have your name written on them I swear. You own me, in a way you’ll never imagine.”
You couldn't answer the question of how you were still standing as with each passing second you felt your knees buckle more and more. You were a crying mess, you couldn’t even look at him properly because of your blurred vision.
“I've been a selfish son of a bitch but I swear to you, and please believe me, there hasn't been a time since I first saw you that night at Molly's years ago that you haven't been in my mind. You came into my life like a hurricane Y/n and from the first time you smiled at me I never doubted for a second I finally met the love of my life, the greatest I could ever ask for.”
His fingers caressed your hair while you feared you’d have a heart attack at any moment.
“I know these will probably be empty words but if only you’d give me a chance my little angel, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and give you everything you deserve,” he whispered “I'm not giving up on us, even if now...
The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him and he let out a “Fucking hell” before taking it from his trouser pocket.
Contrary to what you expected, he rejected the call without no hesitation or even looking who it was and threw the phone on the sofa, not caring it bounced and then fell on the floor.
“I'm sorry…” he looked at you again.
“Why didn't you answer?”.
“Because I don't care about anyone else beside you right now.”
“But what if it was important?”.
“Nothing is more important than you Y/n, I hope I can convince you of that one day.”
“But…”
“Nothing but baby,” he placed his hands on your face again, freezing when he realized what he had just said “S-sorry I…” He didn’t realize it but he had already said it few other times.
You tried to hold back a smile and shook your head, letting him know it didn’t bother you. In fact, the way that pet name made you feel was something indescribable.
“I don’t want you to think I was thinking about her but Hailey’s not my partner anymore.”
He dropped this news like a bomb without even finished what he was saying earlier, leaving you in shock, not expecting something like this at all. “What? Why?”.
“Because it's something that bothers you.”
“Jay it didn't bother me she was your partner but…”
“I know,” he interrupted you, “It bothers you the way I behaved with her even though it meant absolutely nothing to me, the fact I was with you and when she called me I answered her, that I gave her a ride her, and all the things that happened. I know, I get it now, and this was fucked up on my part and I only now understand how you felt about it and I'm so sorry...”
“I'm glad you understand now but you still didn't even have to change partners Jay.”
“Y/n, I know it. I know it wasn't even necessary not to speak to her anymore except for something related to work but this is what I wanted and want to do. It might be dramatic but for me it's the least I can do for you,” he spoke in a firm and decisive tone “I had to set some boundaries, show you respect and understand how much all of this hurt you. I had to understand it was something that deeply troubled you instead of fueling your fears and making you feel like you were a burden.”
You looked at him with shock.
Who the hell was this man?
“You come first angel, everything else is worth less than a zero for me. I now get that if something hurts you than I have to figh tooth and nail to prove to you that whatever goes through this little head will never make me stop loving you, caring about you or needing you more than the air I breathe, so if you tell me my partnership with Hailey is bothering you, I'll get rid of it.”
“But it's not fair you… You don’t have to give up your friendship with her for me. I don't want you to have to deprive yourself of all this Jay, I never asked for this...”
“…You just wanted to be reassured,” he continued the sentence for you and you nodded feebly. “But listen to me. I know you didn't ask me, no one did, I decided to do it and there won't be anything that will make me change my mind. Y/n I want to do everything I can to make you trust me again, I don't care what it entails, even if it means burning up the whole world to the ground I will do it, without hesitation. I want you to understand that nothing’s more important to me than you, that you come above anyone else. Please, I don't want and I can't be without you anymore, I can't baby...”
Jay stopped talking for a second but continued noticing your silence. “And if this makes you feel better, I don’t want to keep a friendship with someone who acted the way she did. A friend doesn't try to intrude on your relationship, I was just too trusting and stupid to understand it and I'm sorry you had to pay for it.”
You pulled away from him for a moment, suddenly feeling suffocated. You sat on the couch again, resting your elbows on your knees and your face covered by your hands as you considered everything Jay had said so far.
Your mind was in a whirlwind of emotions and you couldn't figure out which of the thousand thoughts to listen to first.
Your rational part would’ve told him it was too late, that it was easy to fix your mistakes when the damage had been done.
But your non-rational part, the bigger one, would’ve thrown your arms around him and hugged him until he lost his breath.
You appreciated everything he had told you, so relieved he had finally understood what your real problem was with everything that had happened.
You loved him so much, so terribly much and the relief you had at hearing those words lifted a weight off your shoulders. But you still were so confused and didn't know what to do.
You didn't want to make hasty decisions following only your heart and you equally didn't want to make others that you might regret.
You felt the sofa sink next to you, a sign Jay had sat down.
“I… I know my job is to show you how much you mean to me and you might think that by rooting out Hailey's problem I've just gone with the easy solution but I hope you know that's not the case. I would choose you in a room with a billion people, I would still looking for you. It's just been my way of making you understand that neither Hailey nor any other woman is as indispensable in my life as you are, none of them are worth losing you.” He spoke softly. “I’ll never get tired of repeating you’re the only one who exists for me, I have eyes only for you and it will be like this until my last breath. All I want is to see you happy baby, I want to make you happy. The problem wasn't just my friendship with Hailey, I know that, I didn’t pay enough attention to you and I want to make up for every single mistake I made... And…”
You started crying again, just when you thought you had managed to control your emotions and he noticed.
“And I love you so damn much,” he whispered these last words like some sort of spell.
After what seemed like an infinite amount of time to him, you finally looked up at him. He gently wiped away your tears for the umpteenth time, trying not to focus on how painful it was to see you like that.
“To say these two months have been hell is an understatement,” you sobbed, but still tried to speak, “I've been so angry at you Jay.”
“I know and you have every right to.”
“Every single day I hoped you’d knock on my door and say these exact words to me. Why didn't you do it? God Jay, I would’ve gotten back with you before I even let you talk. Why didn't you fight for us?”.
His heart broke into a thousand little pieces. “Because I'm a stupid piece of shit. I know you won't believe me but I was scared as fuck. I've come here so many times, actually, but I've never had the courage to knock on the door.”
“Really?”.
He nodded mentally smacking himself for his stupidly as he could’ve avoided to both of you months of suffering. “Yes, I was scared to face you. I was afraid you’d tell me it was forever over and you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I honestly wouldn't have been able to survive something like that. As twisted or dumb as it sounds, I had the hope one way or another fate would bring us together again and I was afraid that if you told me no then this hope would die.”
“What made you come here today?”.
“Seeing you this morning reminded me of everything I had lost. In reality, Adam also helped me knock some sense in me but, well... I realized I don't want to cry anymore and that I want to do everything to get you back.”
You looked at him for a few moments in silence, studying his words and his wonderful features.
“I’ll fight for us Y/n, I can't be without you anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy.”
“I don't want you to think it's all your fault though, it's not.”
“Indeed it is…”
“No. It was also my fault, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I should’ve trusted you a little bit more and explained myself better, be more patient and give you the time to understand my feelings and demanded to fix them immediately, without thinking you too had to adapt your own thoughts to mine. I was selfish too Jay.”
Jay looked at you with so much intensity and so fervently it suddenly made you feel small and naked under his eyes. He looked at you as if he wanted to get under your skin, he looked at you like a painter looks at his own work of art, like a sculptor looked at his own creation. He looked at you with so much love and sweetness this alone would’ve been enough to make you fall into a thousand pieces.
God, how much you missed the way he looked at you. As if you were the only one in the world, as if you were the most beautiful of the seven wonders of the world, as if you were everything his eyes wanted to see. This was what you missed, what you wanted: feeling like you were the only one for him.
“Don't slap me but I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he whispered, fearing your reaction but at the same time unable to hold his tongue.
You let out a small chuckle through your tears as you dried them and straightened your back. You would’ve been lying if you said you didn't want him to jump on you.
“I'd like to see you try.”
“Oh don't tempt me sweetheart. I could make you squirm under me in less than five minutes if I wanted.”
Please just say yes baby.
You let out a louder laugh this time and threw one of the sofa cushions at him, especially because he was completely right and it wasn't something you wanted to find out at that moment.
He let out a mock cry of pain even though inside he was exploding with joy. He didn't know if it was more the fact you had thrown the pillow at him and actually jokes with him or because he finally heard you laugh. He was almost tempted to tickle you even though you hated it just so he could make you laugh and record the sound and set the recording as the ringtone on his cell phone.
Did he already say he loved you so fucking much he couldn't breathe?
“I'm scared Jay.” You whispered as the air became serious again. He moved closer to you and took your hand, drawing imaginary circles on its back with his thumb, a gesture he used to do to comfort you.
“I know, but I'll make it worth it. I never want to spend a day without you again, I’ll give you the world. I promise,” he whispered as his eyes caressed your face in a little dance, observing your features and every peculiarity of your beautiful skin. “I can't even tell you in words how much I love you Y/n. Just… Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You want me to get on the roof and jump? I'll do it. Do you want me to blow up some buildings? Give me the address. I’m begging you…”
You chuckled again and he felt victorious for managing to make you smile again. He left out the part where he would actually do anything he just said.
“I love you to death Jay, more than you could ever imagine…” you murmured “And I'm so scared because if... If it doesn't work I won't be able to go through this again,” you paused for a second. “I don't have the strength. I never want to experience anything like that again, I would rather shoot myself.”
“No, no, no, no, this will never happen. There will never be an 'if it doesn't work' again. I'm here to stay and I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, please Y/n, I can't be without you anymore.”
He placed his free hand on your cheek and before your brain could even process it, your body had already responded and you found yourself leaning against his touch.
You looked at each other for few moments, still not believe all of this was real.
“I want us to take it slow. We went too fast the first rime we got together thinking we knew each other well because we were friends before. I want to know the real you, and I want you to really know me.”
“Yes, yes, yes, fuck yes, whatever you want baby,” he replied so quickly he embarrassed himself while he felt his heart beating so fast it was most likely going to explode.
“Or maybe it's better that we just be friends again. It seemed to work just fine,” you decided to tease him and the look of pure horror and shock that crossed his face was priceless. You so badly wished you could take a photo of him in that moment.
“I know you're taking the piss out of me right now, but you and I could never be friends again, never, ever, ever, again.”
“Why?”.
“You’re seriously asking me why? Have you heard any of the words I just said?” He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged, trying not to laugh. “Because there hasn’t been a single day where you were just a friend to me. I have loved you much longer than you’ll ever know baby, so no. Absolutely no friends.”
You bit your cheek to try and suppress a smile but it was in vain, Jay realized it before you could even try to hide it from him and he had to suppress the urge to kiss you right now and there.
“That's not what you should say when you're taking things slowly, you know?”.
He sighed. “You're going to torture me aren't you?”.
You nodded and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they looked at you and he swore if you looked closely you could see his pupils had turned into a heart shape.
“Baby, I'd let you tie me naked to a pole and in the middle of a storm if that's what you wanted, don't even play with me right now.”
You laughed, your heart now lighter.
You didn't know if you were doing the right thing, if you had reacted hastily and without thinking but at that moment you didn't care. After all, that’s how love was: it was irrational, unconditional, vulnerable, overwhelming, it was messy. You couldn't just follow a plan or predict what to do.
You were aware you were taking an immense risk, that you were risking hurting yourself again in a deep and irreparable way but you wanted to have a little more faith in him. You had always wanted that intense love worthy of fairy tales and you knew he was the only one who’d be able to give it to you even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of suffering again.
And the more you looked at Jay, the more you were convinced this was a risk you were willing to take.
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NCT 127 and their sugar daddy ratings Pt.2
part 3 coming soon
Moon Taeil
Solid 10/10 (THE perfect candidate...as long as you listen.)
He's a finance bro lmaooo
he makes bank
and could easily open his own business
but
"it's too much of a bother and then I won't have time to spend with you"
you met in a cafe
you spilled hot coffee all over his laptop
and while you were apologizing he said it was fine
and pulled another one out of his bag.
lmao.
Y'all kicked it off though.
where Yuta is Possessive
Taeil is the strictest mf sugar daddy out there bih
he speaks once
so you better fucking listen
if he says
"no, you can't have that y/n"
do not
and I repeat
DO NOT TEST THIS MAN!
he will break your fucking back
"you are well aware that I do not like to repeat myself so be a good fucking girl and quit your fucking whining."
he gets angry in a calm way
and we all know how calm men fuck when they get angry lmaoooo.
It's important to also note that
when he takes care of you
he takes care of you for the long run.
invests some of your allowances into stocks
btw your monthly allowance is a 100k
"omg but he's just in finance"
I forgot to mention that he owns a lot of stock as well
hence, he makes a damn good amount of money
you only got 100k because you begged him to
LOWER it.
if it were up to him you would've been getting more than that.
with that being said
most of the time you don't even get to spend most of your money
why?
because he is ALWAYS buying you shit.
Mark Lee
an excellent 8.5/10 (he's a good man Savannah!!!! just don't tease him lol.)
He is an author.
a very successful one at that.
he doesn't even write books for the money no more
at this point, it's just for fun lmaoo
Yall met at one of his book signings
surprisingly made the first move
by writing his phone number on the back of your signed book
it was horrible handwriting btw you couldn't make out if it was a 3 or an 8
obviously, you contacted him (because who tf wouldn't??)
and yall kicked it off
and started dating
yes he is Also your boyfriend and Sugar daddy
he is definitely the type to spend on you only when you're in a serious relationship
he wouldn't do the plain sugar daddy -sugar baby relationship
hence the 8.5
if you haven't listened to Radio by Lana del Rey
then please do because
your entire relationship is the exact vibe that song gives off
has an obsession with buying you diamonds every time he travels
spends on you to the point where you have to BEG him
to let you at least buy coffee for yourself
once bought you an entire coffee shop because you said you liked the Caramel Machiatto one time.
he's so damn playful and dorky most of the time honestly
you have to initiate skinship most of the time
unless you tease him...
chileeeeeeee
now about teasing him...
you know that shit we like to pull
talking bout "You wouldn't know what to do with all this"
and
"you can't handle me"
yeahhh that shit don't fly over here lmaooo
he has fucked you in the car at the side of the road multiple times
just because you like to talk big.
"Cock so deep in your pussy and all of a sudden you can't speak huh?"
"repeat what you said, I can't handle this? the fuck am I doing right now then?"
listen he fucks you so hard you actually scream and cry out
he becomes ruthless\so different from what you're usually used to
if he feels guilty about being too rough
he buys you one of three things
a house
a plane ticket
or another diamond...
Kim Doyoung
please you already know 12/10 (The man himself. Stict as hell though)
He is 100% on the Forbes 30 under 30 list
The man is Powerful, influential, and Wealthy.
he's also really nice and sweet in public
even doing volunteer work
He could've stopped working by 23
but he didn't and now he has money to last generations
yall met at an animal shelter where both of you were volunteering
He immediately took a liking to you
yes...he's a boyfriend/sugar daddy as well
HE IS TRADITIONAL.
You my love, will not lift a finger
you wanna go somewhere?
his chauffeur will drive you
you wanna get some new clothes?
LV, Chanel, YSL Etc.
You hungry?
he has the most expensive restaurants on speed dial
one thing bout Doyoung
he not finna let you stay in no damn crappy apartment
IMMEDIATE UPGRADE
The type to get pissed off if your old apartment locks aren't as secure as they need to be.
I can confidently say that you have the power to turn a morally good man into a fucking criminal.
WHEN IT COMES TO YOU THE MAN WILL DO ANYTHING!
You would argue with him that he babies you too much
which would piss him tf off
you made a mistake once and ghosted him for a week
Nigga showed up at your apartment @3 in the morning
demanding an explanation
"you better have a damn good explanation for acting like a fucking brat."
he is so fucking stern with you
it turned you tf on (Can't blame you)
he is 100% fucking you on the spot
"Spoiling you is something I'm supposed to do. So shut your fucking mouth and take it."
Made sure to let you know that the next time you ghost him (there wont be a next time)
he'd fuck you in his office with the blinds open.
#nct imagines#nct yuta#nct fanfic#nct taeyong#nct dream#nct doyoung#nct fluff#nct 127#nct smut#nct scenarios#nct mark#nct taeil#nct jaehyun#nct jungwoo#nct johnny#nct haechan#multifandomslxt
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hey! sorry to bother you, but is there anything a teen without transportation in a rural area can do on their own? im pretty isolated, and theres barely anything around me.
Hey ya sprout 🌱
**A disclaimer Punk comes with some risk socially. Particularly if your in a rural area this risk goes up bc people Know You and also typically these spaces have a different vibe to alt ppl in general. Some activities are more or less risky and I'll try and do my best to give you a range of stuff from the whole spectrum! Of course this is a generalization of rural areas. Some palaces will be more cool then others depending in so many factors I couldn't go into here**
Rural solarpunk
Your gunna been to pick a topic, sorry babe. In order to not burn yourself out and in order to feel like you have an impact your gunna have to pick a cause to chip away at but I'll give you ideas! And remember just bc your focusing on one thing doesn't mean your ignoring or not helping others. Everything is interconnected and any help, helps all!
So let's give you some ideas to focus on:
Libraries- as a teen in particular you'll have access to a library at school, but depending on how big your town is you might have a public one as well. Become their biggest supporter! They are a great safe space, even conservative ones are still a good place to go for archiving/loitering purposes. They give you spaces to print stuff, to build clubs and community.
Archiving- if you cannot leave your house due to access you can always do stuff online and hear me out, i know when we do stuff online it feels like half points. Like we arent doing anything. I feel that with this blog, it feels so passive no matter how hard you work youll feel lesser. But Archiving is vital to humans! Think of the anthropologists wholl thank you down the road! Plus it does actually give you a way to have a physical representative of work your doing. Dvds, pirating media and archiving them to drives, collecting vinyls/tapes/cds!
DIY- To fight against fast fashion (although that barely exists in the towns I've been in tbh) and to stick out** you could make your own patches, battlejackets, gloves, etc.. They are statement pieces you can wear whenever your in town/at school/social spaces that ppl know what you stand for and who you are. Depending on who/where you are this might be risky so take what you can bare ok? You don't have to wear these items too you can just make them for later on!
Little libraries/little pantries- in a rural space you have more Gruella tactics you can take if you do them in random abandoned spaces. You could build a waterproof little pantry and stock it and leave info somewhere about it for ppl to drop off/pick up items. Stock it with mittens! With canned goods! With books! You might be able to do a space like this at school/library depending in how cool your town is too!
Zines- You could look into making a zine and even if it's digital you could have the QR code for download in places (stickers on lamp posts, flyers in school bathrooms, hidden in a churches pamphlet stacks >.>) making a zine is a cool task that is time consuming and informative and fun!
Vandalism- like I said you can often print off stuff at Libraries, or usually you can find a place to print stuff off near or at post offices depending on how modern your rural space is. if you have your own printer this will reduce your risk by quite a bit though! Create/find stickers or posters you want to toss across town or even school. I'd recommend starting off with some stickers and see how their handled, dipping your toes is important with these kinda things. If your really feeling it, and you know some abandoned places Moss Graffiti is also a good option! I've know ppl who have converted old abandoned stored to skate parks (I honestly have no idea how they built the ramps out of concrete but damn!! Good job guys!)
Also I'll leave you with 2 book recommendations as well-
Moxie - a RIOT GRRRL story about a girl who gets so fed up with her conservative town she makes a feminist zine and distributes it via girl bathrooms (even having a basically me too stickers and encouraging ppl to put it on boys lockers who have assaulted them). I know there's a movie, didn't seem to capture the same vibe tho so book!
Braiding Sweetgrass - this focuses a lot on reconnecting and adding story to nature around us and having science along side spirituality
#sporut guide#reaping week#solarpunk#hopepunk#anticapitalism#punk#rural#cottagecore#community#ecopunk#direct action
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