Batman: *alert, expression grave* We have an emergency.
Superman: *springing into action* Let's go, you can tell me the details on the way --
Batman: It's me. I'm the emergency.
Superman: *frowning, examining Batman with x-ray vision* No broken bones, no internal bleeding... what's wrong?
Batman: I think I'm drunk.
Superman: You don't drink.
Batman: I had canned coffee. From the pantry. There's crateloads of them.
Superman: *remembering Flash's newest concoction* Oh
Batman: At first I thought I was just being affected by the sugar.
Superman: *remembering Flash mentioning that he had them specially made for his high metabolism* Oh no
Batman: You know I don't consume much sugar, Clark. I'm not used to it. I thought it was The Sugar Rush™
Superman: How much did you drink?
Batman: I'd already drunk two cans when I read the fine print. I --
Batman: *clutching Superman's shoulder, carefully enunciating* I imbibed two whole cans, Clark. Of metahuman-grade Irish Coffee.
Superman: *supporting Batman's free arm, keeping him from acquainting his face with the floor* Oh no
Batman: I feel strange. I made small talk in the cafeteria. I might've cracked a joke at some point. I almost told Green Lantern he did a good job on the last mission.
Batman: But he didn't do a good job, Clark.
Superman: *lips pursed, corners twitching* Mhm
Batman: My mental faculties have been compromised. I feel... bubbly.
Superman: *controlling his breathing*
Batman: I cannot be seen bubbly, Clark. I'm Batman.
Superman: *shoulders shaking, eyes glistening*
Batman: You need to get me out of here before I run around the cafeteria complimenting everyone.
Superman: Okay, just -- give me a sec --
Superman: *sniffling* I'm memorizing every detail of this conversation so I can replay it forever
[Later, at the Batcave]
Superman: *flies in with Batman in a bridal lift*
Nightwing: We received his emergency alert --
Red Hood: What the fuck happened --?
Nightwing: -- he wasn't responding --
Robin: Is Father conscious --?
Red Robin: I'm getting Alfred --
Superman: GUYS, guys, calm down
Superman: *puts Batman down on his feet* B's just drunk.
Batman: *stands straight, dusts his shoulders, opens his arms*
Batman: Daddy's home.
Red Robin: Okay, pause everything, I’m getting a camera *runs off*
Red Hood: *unblinking* Is this real
Batman: How are you boys this fine evenin'?
Robin: It's 4 AM
Nightwing: Why is he speaking with a southern accent?
Superman: He's been cycling through accents since liftoff. No idea why.
Red Robin: *returning with an 8K camera in hand* BEHOLD, the reclusive Gotham Bat in his natural habitat…
Batman: *staring at the lens, hands lifting his cape open at shoulder-height*
Batman: *fangs bared* I bid you velcome.
Red Hood: *still unblinking, unmoving* This is the best day of my entire life
Jason: *makes a face* Shit, that's too spicy...
Jason, turning to Alfred: Can I have more?
Bruce: I thought you said it was too spicy
Jason: *shrugs* Yeah, but it was good
Tim: You don't get it, B. He likes the pain
Roy, who was reluctantly invited to dinner: *chokes on his drink*
Bruce, turning to Tim: Why. Why did you have to say that
batfam headcanons for my soul
- jason is part italian and also so is tim. steph and dick call them the mario brothers. both are adamant they are mario. everyone else has started referring to both of them as luigi. neither has caught on
- tim and damian are actually pretty close but keep pretending to hate each other because they know the others all have bets on how long it’ll take before they even tolerate each other
- all of them are terrible drivers when it comes to the road rules. because they drive the batmobile, which is obv super different, they suck at driving normal cars and legally. they get pulled over a lot. bribes are common but hey, this is gotham so what’s new tbh
- most of them have considered whether they can sell a sibling, few (jason, tim) have actually researched how to do this and gotten scarily close to actually doing it
- jason listens to taylor swift openly and proudly. he is slowly corrupting the rest of the family
- dick and jason somehow got everyone else into theatre and musical theatre. movie nights are an experience
- roy is just. always there. he’s not part of the family, nor do any of them want him to be. he will not leave. alfred has not yet found where he stays or how he gets in
- dick likes to climb walls
- steph once found tim asleep, hanging from a gym bar. she left him there
- bruce once found tim asleep on top of the fridge. he left him there
- tim once woke up in japan. what.
- duke sings random things he does while he’s doing them. it has started to bleed into everyone else. they could start a choir at this point
- cass will sit anywhere. on chairs, the ground, people, tables, bannisters, anything. she likes to sit on peoples shoulders a lot
- babs is the only person who knows tim and damian actually get along. she found them working side by side one time and they swore her into the secret
- babs knows everyone’s secrets eventually, but she doesn’t tell anyone. until she needs to, of course
- bruce once woke up in japan after a mission gone awry. he was meant to be in canada. he ran into tim there. it was a weird day
Tim never got to be a kid. Think about it, his entire life he has had to be an adult for himself. He had to make his own food, do his own laundry, etc. And this was as young as six or eight. And then he witnessed the worst of Gotham at nine years old as he swept across rooftops to capture pictures Batman and Robin. He became Robin at twelve I think, and CEO of Wayne Enterprise when he was either 16 or 19.
So what does that mean for adult Tim? I think he might be mature, sure, but he would do things like ride a skate board to work or doodle pictures in the margines of the papers he needs to sign. He’d chug coffee like it was water with no problem at all, even when it made multiple adults around him wince at his coffee intake.
Maybe he would do rebellious things, like pull a prank on the board members or cause a big scandal. Or perhaps he would eat straight sugar and call it lunch. He might dress in clothes that are no where near sensible, with different colored socks and everything. People will see him and not really see an adult, but someone who never really got to grow up.
But he did grow up and not by choice. And now he has a choice, and he chooses to let the kid in him out.
Tim deserves it, because the adults in his life never let him be a kid. So why shouldn’t he, an adult himself, give the child in his heart the chance to feel true peace?