#tw psychological issues
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Home. (ALT ENDING) || cbf!Simon "Ghost" Riley
Rating: M
Words: 3K (this one got away from me, sorry)
Pairing: cbf!Simonxafab!reader / teen!Simonxteen!Reader
Summary: Teen Simon and his best friend often spend their nights away from their respective houses because they found a home in each other…
CW: mentions of psychological issues, mentions of self-harm, mentions of therapy
Tags: you/your pronouns, hurt/comfort, ANGST, forgiveness, catharsis.
a/n: not proofread. THIS IS THE HAPPY ENDING. I'M STILL NOT HAPPY WITH IT, BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.
[FIC MASTERLIST] || [MY MASTERLIST]
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Anyone would say that Simon Riley is good.
Good company for going out drinking.
A good partner for duos in training.
A good shot.
A good soldier.
A good candidate.
A good recruit.
A good lad.
But Simon would say he’s a bad, bad man.
Even before he took this job.
Destined to rot from the inside out.
To become the things he’s promised himself to not ever become.
Finding a way out of home, out of the trauma, only works if some of it is not already inside of you.
Slowly eating you up.
Ever-lasting.
All-consuming.
That’s what Simon figured out in the last 15 years.
Grief.
Depression.
Rage.
Antisocial tendencies.
Psychopathy.
PTSD.
Compartmentalization of emotions and trauma.
Tendencies for self-harm and self-sabotage.
Fear of vulnerability.
Trust issues.
An inclination for isolation.
A past muddled by juvenile delinquency and early drug and alcohol use.
An avoidant attachment style in any relationships he attempts to form due to an inability to truly connect with others.
An identity crisis stemming from low self-worth and a disturbed self-image.
The list goes on.
Simon would say he’s got it all under control.
But any Army-appointed psychiatrist would disagree.
And he’s too valuable of an asset to let go of…
Just the ‘depression’ diagnosis would land the average soldier on a watchlist and the ‘tendencies to self-harm’ would get anyone a medical discharge and interned into a psych ward.
Thank God Simon’s not the average soldier.
Price has been pulling strings to keep him around, calling in favors to people for his sake and getting people to turn a blind eye to the fact Simon Riley has not gone to a single routine psych check in the better part of a decade.
In exchange, however, that forced Simon to take a deal with Price and instead see an off-site psych expert. A friend of Price’s, a retired psychiatrist who has no way of getting him discharged.
As such, every time he goes on leave he drives some 4 or so hours from Hereford to a small village in Cumbria up north to see her. He always spends the first week of his leave there, in a chalet right smack in the middle of the Lake District National Park… It’s peaceful and nice. Over those 5 to 7 days, he talks about anything and everything.
At first he hated it, but with time, it did bring him clarity on a lot of his issues without any sort of danger or judgement. In her words, Dr. Armstrong had been dealing with John’s shit for “far too long”, and nothing Simon would tell her would make a dent on the appalling things she’s heard… And true to her word, Simon hadn’t spotted any shock or discomfort in her, even as he spoke of some utterly vile things.
She made him feel heard, understood, welcome… alive, even if more often than not he didn’t quite feel human. He always came in the door like the ghost of his moniker, a shadow, with steps too hard, body too stiff, breathing too tense, eyes too sharp… And left with an ease and lightness uncharacteristic to someone like him… Dr. Armstrong unraveled all the damage during those 5 to 7 grueling days… Only for him return to base and begin the process of hardening himself once again.
He’s thirty-three, you’re thirty-two today.
He dragged himself out of the comfortable bed in the guest house nearby to the chalet, and threw on a hoodie and some slides before he ventured out to the main house across the stepping stone walkway and into the house through the sliding glass doors.
Dr. Armstrong was already at the breakfast nook in the kitchen when he came in. She’s not quite gone gray, but she’s getting there. Her face is steadily getting more wrinkled compared to 10 years ago when this started. She’s wearing a light blue robe and a set of warm pajamas. Her hair cut into a pixie à la Judi Dench. “Good morning, Simon.”
Simon, meanwhile, is all disheveled, hair sticking up from having just woken up, face peppered with a 5 o’clock shadow, eyes still crusty and face unwashed. “Mornin’.” He grumbled as he poured himself a cup of tea and popped two slices of bread into the toaster.
“How did you sleep?” She asked him as she regarded him over her green-frame reading glasses, which adorned the tip of her nose. She took a sip of a black mug with a cat’s whiskers drawn in it in white.
“Same as usual…” He replied as he stirred some milk into his tea. He grabbed the plain toasted bread and plopped it into a plate and began to turn to join her at the table when she set down her tea mug and leaned her elbows on the table, giving him a pointed look with a cocked brow.
Holding back a groan akin to a moody teenage boy’s, he set down the plate and cuppa, and grabbed some butter and a knife, spreading it over the toasted bread. He was thankful that Dr. Armstrong forced him to take care of himself, he was… But it doesn’t mean he was happy about it. “How did you sleep?” He returned.
“Slept well, thank you.” She replied and kept a stern watch over him as he reached the fridge and grabbed a yogurt and a small box of raspberries. He poured the yogurt into a bowl, topped it with the fruit and a drizzle of honey from the bowl in the corner of the counter, and then took his slightly more nutritious meal to the table.
She watched him closely as he began to eat his buttered toast, letting him have a moment of stewing in the ‘forced’ meal. She took off her glasses, folding them shut, and set them aside, along with her tablet, and stared at him.
In a way, Simon was more of a son than a patient to her, after so many years helping undo the damage the military and his childhood wracked on his head. He looked forward to the routine, needed it, so much that if he didn’t have these moments with her as often as he had grown accustomed to, he’d start acting a bit erratic. A bit more prone to violence, a bit harder to contain, a bit harder for John to keep a handle on. “What’s on your mind this morning?” She asked him with a cocked brow.
He finished his toasted and wiped his mouth. Then he started toying with the spoon resting on the edge of his yogurt bowl. “That it’s a bad week to be here.” He told her.
“And why is it a bad week, Simon?” She asked him as she leaned her head on her palm.
“There was this girl,” He began to say before he spooned some yogurt into his mouth. He had long stopped wearing a mask while staying over at Dr. Armstrong’s house. His scars were always on display for her to see. “who I grew up with. Her birthday is this week.”
The older woman nodded her head as she watched him closely. “I see. And… this ‘girl’... Was she a friend? A girlfriend?”
“I guess.” Simon said as he ate another spoon of yogurt, brown eyes lowered and focused on the red raspberries suspended atop the fatty yogurt. “We were like…” He trailed off. “She was… erm…” He stopped again and exhaled through his nose.
“I see.” The doctor said as she kept watching him. He kept eating quietly. “And… I assume you don’t talk to her anymore?” She asked.
“No.” Simon replied. “After I joined the Army, she moved away from Manchester and we lost contact.” He said softly.
“Do you still think about it?” She asked him. “About her?”
“Sometimes.” He admitted as he stirred his spoon in his bowl before sighing again and eating another spoonful. “A few times a year… Around her birthday, and mine. And Christmas… And the anniversary of the day we met…” He listed.
“And how does it feel…? Nice? Sad? Bittersweet?” She trailed off, knowing sometimes Simon needed help verbalizing his emotions.
“Sad.” He replied bluntly and ate a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt in a row before pushing the now empty bowl aside with the spoon resting inside of it.
“And cruel.” The woman watched as he rolled his shoulders, a bit tense, and raised his irises to look at her, eyes softened. “It’s been 15 years since she left Manc, left me and I-” He trailed off.
Looking away, he kept talking, and talking. “I still think about her. I think I’m okay, I think I’m doing good, doing better, and then those dates come and I’m reminded that she exists, that she’s out there, that she… that she went off and found herself a place and I’m here, and have nothing to show for it, just some stupid fucking medals pinned to the breast of my suit and blood on my hands that doesn’t wash off in the fucking sink.” He hissed bitterly, his eyes unfocused as he poured it all out.
“She was like me. We did everything together, were basically attached at the hip. She was my partner in crime, like a home away from home. Sure, dad beat me and mum, and scared us all and I’m much better now and I’ve grown up, but nothing feels okay. Nothing feels normal or good. It’s all just… just bullshit!” He hissed, his breathing beginning to grow faster. “I go through the motions but I don’t feel okay, I don’t feel safe.” He turned his head away from Doctor Armstrong.
“The last time I felt safe I was in her arms, looking into her eyes and telling her that I loved her for the first time and making all these promises for a future that didn’t happen. A future I stole from the two of us.” He grumbled. “And the worst part is that I used to blame her for leaving, for seeking out a better life, a better place! Maybe I still blame her… But it’s not her fault. It’s really not.” Simon’s eyes began to water in a way they never have before.
“It’s all my fault. There’s no one to blame but me. The last conversation we had was a stupid fucking argument where I looked her in the eyes, the girl I loved, and told her to stop relying on me… She was looking to me for help, to get her out, to get us both somewhere safe…” He stopped and pressed his lips together to contain a sob. His eyes squeezed shut as tears rolled down his cheeks.
“I was going to marry her.” He confessed and groaned. “I came back from Aghanistan and bought a ring, because while I was out there, with bullets whizzing past me and watching my brothers in arms fall like flies, all I wanted was to do was go back to her… And I was completely expecting her to be there… To be waiting for me…” He trailed off. “After I broke her heart and told her to leave… I… I somehow expected her to have been weak… to have stayed. And she was strong enough to leave.” He nodded as he pondered on it.
“And the worst part is that I want to know what happened to her. I want…” He trailed off. “I know it’s been so long and she probably doesn’t think about me and even if she did, she wouldn’t want to ever step foot anywhere near her and it’s not like I want to see her, or to meet with her or to… I don’t know, pick up where we left off?” He ranted more and more. “I just… I want to know she’s okay, I want to know she’s alive. I pray every year that she didn’t turn to hard drugs and die of an overdose on a street corner somewhere… I…” He trailed off. “I need her to be alive and healthy and safe and… happy.”
Doctor Armstrong’s eyes softened as a lightbulb went off in her head. She had finally found the genesis to most of Simon’s issues. The grief of the past, the depression, the antisocial tendencies, his propenture for isolation, his fear of vulnerability, his trust issues, his inability to truly connect with others, the avoidant attachment style to any relationships he does attempt to have…
It was because he was attached to her, whoever this girl he spoke of was. He grieved her, he missed her, he couldn’t pursue a meaningful relationship when he had lost such a deep one… A relationship, an attachment, formed through trauma, unhealthy, sure, but one that resulted in a bond. Any attempts of his to ‘move on’ felt wrong and soured quickly. And until now she couldn’t figure out why that was… thinking he just kept unhealthily self-sabotaging… until now.
That morning was a first in many ways. Simon was speaking unprompted, Simon was voicing his emotions, Simon was confronting his past, Simon was admitting to his mistakes, Simon was expressing his wants. He was not just opening up, but he was actively prioritizing his wants, his feelings… It was huge for someone whose sense of self was as skewed as Simon’s.
It only took ten years… But they were making progress.
-
‘You just have to write her a letter, Simon. Let her know you don’t mean to impose on her life, but that you simple hope she’s doing well, thank her for having been part of your life. Keep it simple, concise. You can do that.’
Dr. Armstrong severely underestimated Simon’s ability to follow her request. Granted, most of the time he follows them no problem… But when it comes to you? Yikes.
‘Simple, concise’ became 38 and a half pages. None of it proofread. He felt like he passed out and when he woke up he had 38 pages of straight up gibberish, half-baked thoughts and equally half-baked pages. He doesn’t even remember what the fuck he wrote (probably because he was drunk and high, his first time smoking in 15 years).
Trying to read it gave him a headache, so he just transfered it into a Word document, the only file in an all-black slide-out USB drive, and stuffed the USB and a note saying ‘From Simon Riley’ into an envelope. He didn’t even dare send it himself. He simply dropped it off in the mail-out box at base and and called it a day.
That was 3 months ago.
As he lays in bed after dinner, he silently hopes to God that you’re ignoring him and tossed out the USB drive without even reading the mess of text in it… Or even that the address Laswell’s analysts found for you in Scotland was wrong.
But he also can’t bear to imagine someone else opening the envelope, checking the USB drive and finding that letter and-
A buzzing awakes him from his thoughts and he looks across the room to his phone which is charging on his desk in the corner. He moves across the room swiftly, finding a number he doesn’t recognize has sent him a text.
It has to be you. He’s careful with his number, he doesn’t give it out willy-nilly. Only Price, Laswell and Nik have it. And you, since he included it in the document.
Taking a deep breath, he clicks the text on the screen, his brown eyes screwing shut as if it was about to explode. Or maybe it was just his heart racing that made him feel that.
He was afraid.
Simon Riley was afraid.
The Ghost wouldn’t protect him now.
Not from you.
Or, rather, not for the way Simon might react when it comes to you.
Deep breaths, Simon told himself.
Deep breaths.
In…
… and out.
Throwing open his eyes, he looked at the screen, finding one tiny little paragraph in the bright green chat bubble:
hi riley… read your letter a bunch of times… truth be told i didnt know how to answer it, been trying to find what to say for weeks on weeks now and coming up short. if ur free anytime soon can we just have a call over the phone? might be easier. if not then im glad to hear ur fine and that u found success x
Simon reads and rereads your text over and over and over…
And then something in him snaps. He clicks the phone button next to your unsaved contact and then stares at the screen, eyes wide and frantic, not even considering that you might not be ready, that you might be busy, that you asked for ‘one of these days’ and not ‘right now’...
The call connects.
Simon holds his breath.
And so do you, he can hear your little gasp.
The counter at the top of the screen ticks by.
00:01
00:02
00:03
00:04
00:05
00:06
00:07
00:08
00:09
00:10
00:11
00:12
00:13
00:14
00:15
Simon’s eyes begin to well up with tears, he can hear your breath on the other side, but he’s too much of a coward to say anything.
00:16
00:17
00:18
00:19
00:20
00:21
00:22
00:23
Thank God that you’re not.
You’ve always been stronger than him.
“Riley?” You whisper his name.
Taking a deep breath, he opens his mouth to speak… But all that escapes him is a stupid little “Hm?”
You pause again, your breath catching in your throat again… before you say it:
“I forgive you.”
His world nearly collapses at that moment and a sob escapes him, a sound so pathetic and weak that he wants to beat himself over it before Dr. Armstrong’s words ring in his head:
‘You can’t keep suppressing your emotions, it’s okay to cry.’
And so he does. He sobs, audibly so, big fat tears running down his face as he lets his back hit the wall and slide down it until he’s sat on the floor.
“Riley…” You whimper, and it sounds like you’re on the verge of crying as well.
He doesn’t want to make you cry. He really doesn’t…
But he can’t stop…
For the first time in forever, he feels exactly the one thing Dr. Armstrong has told him he deserves to feel:
At peace.
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[FIC MASTERLIST] || [MY MASTERLIST]
TAGGING ANYONE WHO READ/COMMENTED THE FIC (there's only like... 10 of you total, I'm so sorry)
taglist: @iite-cool , @spicyspicyliving , @lyralein , @heavenlyrivers , @depressed-but-make-it-cute , @myhomeworksnotdone , @captainquake42 , @waiting-so-long , @erensonly , @pieckyghost
Thank you so much for reading this fic, to the people who've read it here and on AO3! Your support mean the world to me!
#ikea writes 💚#home cbf!simon fic#cod fanfic#tw psychological issues#psych diagnosis#time skip#ghost cod#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x you#childhood best friends to lovers#cbf#cbf!simon#teenage love#masterlist#catharsis
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RWBY Character Lore: Taupe White
“Name. Taupe White. Reason For Becoming Huntress: Freedom and Self-Discovery.”
— Taupe White to her future teammates
Born in the Kingdom of Mistral. Taupe White is the sole daughter of Verdant White, the enigmatic but dreaded leader of The White Lily Guild an criminal organization/cult/military group and a unknown man who rumored to be either a rogue huntsman, male gigolo, a petty criminal lord or even Marcus Black himself who catch the attention of the feared, esteemed criminal mastermind/master assassin
Her entire past is mysterious to anyone who knew her. Not even Taupe couldn’t remember most of her past outside of the basic stuff such as who is her mother and her former connection to the White Lily Guild. Taupe’s claims she was once member of the Spider until she go awol after a failed heist and been considered a traitor to the Spider and marked to death.
The mole faunus lifestyle is often harsh and dangerous for a young child of her age and skills but due to diligence, determination and luck able to survive to adulthood, though without having a few physical and mental scars that define themselves as aloofness, ruthlessness and a co-dependency to authority figures that often lead to manipulative and abusive relationships between her and the person who she coined as Commander
By the time she reached sixteen years old, she left Mistrial to Vale to better herself for a new future and life as a huntress where she met her new family and her new Commander, Jaune Arc and Team BBNT.
#rwby#rwby oc#rwby lore#taupe white (rwby oc)#character background#tw crime#tw childhood trauma#tw co-dependency#tw psychological issues#tw ptsd
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Childhood neglect and abandonment may show up in different ways in us. We may realize we find it hard to watch movies in which caregivers show up for their child in ways we couldn't experience; we try to overwork for others and show how good and worthy and helpful we are so that they won't leave us (we feel unlovable or unworthy in first place); we have troubles setting boundaries, even s3xual ones, cause we fear disappointing the other (we second guess our own feelings and voice); we overshare very soon in our relationships about our tough experiences (and rarely exaggerate them too) in order to have the other feel sorry about what happened to us and care for us; we label ourselves as too needy, too much, too damaged cause we believe nobody will ever love us, and what many people experience in their romantic life will never happen to us; to cope with our pain, we may start fantasizing about being saved from danger or just be surrounded by people that care for us the way we want them to.
We may end up believing these past painful experiences are the only possible life for us and become disconnected and emotionally unstable, even if the truth is that we're worthy of healthy relationships and love, and what we had to go through wasn't our fault. We're so much more than what we were made to believe, we're deserving of people staying and showing up for us (and we should allow ourselves to experience that too, without trying to -unwillingly- manipulate others into doing that).
(source - morganptherapy on instagram)
#Instagram#words#psychology#healing#neglect#childhood trauma#family issues#tw trauma#tw#tw child trauma#tw childhood trauma#family trauma#tw child abuse#emotional abuse#emotions#emotional growth#emotional health#life#tw abandonment#abandonment issues#mental health#healingjourney#recovery#self healing#healing process#positivity#positive thinking#life lessons#spilled thoughts#spilled words
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I know that other people have it worse. I could've had a mother who's physically abusive. I could've had a mother who didn't provide me with food and clothing. But it still hurts knowing that I will never be good enough for her to love me unconditionally.
#i will never care if you reblog#vent#tw vent#cw vent#eldest daughter syndrome#eldest daughter#unhealthy thoughts#toxic mothers#toxic mother#toxic parents#toxic mom#emotional abandonment#childhood emotional neglect#childhood neglect#psychological neglect#emotional neglect#mother issues#mommy issues#toxic thoughts#thoughts to throw into the void
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Ok i need you all's opinions for this since my friends are too soft and are way too morally correct and this is the second most unhinged website
I have a horrible problem called "my family are fucking dicks." And no matter how much i try they still constantly disrespect me and treat me like shit
i would've just given up and accepted defeat but the thing is that my sister loves mocking me for what i believe in and stuff so guess what she won't fucking let me boycott and dear mother isn't particularly smart so she lets her
I tried talking, screaming, causing a scene in public, breaking important things like furniture and sentimental stuff, openly talking about fantasizing about hurting others and my love for knives and poison- hell even threatening them and commiting sh but they do not give a fuck about me sadly-
SO ^^ i need even more extreme measures BUT BUT BUT~
Me is not sure if psychologically harassing my sister may be a bit far
I won't do the same to my mother because it isn't really fair to make someone suffer because of their lack of braincells so
Is it a bit too far or should i totally go for it? Xd
#free palestine#just tagging it because of the boycott problem#seriously mfs went out and brought McDonald's multiple times despite fully knowing and i told them not to buy for me#not only that they also forced me to go and even brought me Starbucks once again fully knowing#and my sister fucking mockingly smiled at me i never wanted to smash someone's head so much#girl problems#issue#family issues#mommy issues#family#help#please help#advice#ask#asks#tw sh destructive behaviour#tw sh related#tw self harm#tw sh implied#does it count if you lose your virginity to an android?#wait wtf whys that a tag im gonna look it up later JAJSHSHD#does it count as torture?#torture#psychological torture#just in case
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I'm a little lamb
A sacrificial lamb to their happiness
They keep dragging me to the alter
Im destined to get hurt over and over again
So they can wear the "perfect family " title
While the little lamb bleeds out in the background
#tw vent#sad poem#tw family trauma#family issues#actually cptsd#living with cptsd#cocsa survivor#csa vent#emotional abuse#dysfunctional family#toxic family#psychological abuse
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another artwork done!! it came out not as good as i expected, but i made this to help people not feel as alone in such situations. so its not about the shape, its about filling. remember to get professional help if your eating disorder becomes too overwhelming 💛
#artists on tumblr#artwork#digital art#oc art#furry art#furry#my art#cats#original art#art#therapy#psychology#tw disordered eating#disordered eating thoughts#tw eating issues
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do you ever experience a wild moment of sudden empathy for everyone in the world. like yeah i knew a guy who bullied people a lot, and who i really used to hate, but then i found out he got beaten by his stepdad and watched his sister die a horrible and graphic death first-hand, and suddenly the hate didn't come so easy. yeah i knew a girl who abused me for the better half of my life, but looking back, she also definitely had no one in the world who loved her, including her own family. my issues with her are a lot more personal, but i just don't have it in me to really loathe her the way i once did. i've never had a good relationship with my father, but he never had a parent worth looking up to. and i'm not saying any of that trauma excuses being a horrible human being, and i'm not saying you have to forgive everyone who ever wronged you, or even really that you should.
but i guess i'm saying maybe i forgive the people who wronged me.
#dear diary#diary#diary entry#digital diary#girlblogging#coquette girl#female insanity#femcore#gaslight gatekeep girlblog#gaslight gatekeep girlboss#tw abuse mention#tw abuse#tw child abuse#tw child death#tw childhood trauma#tw family issues#tw child neglect#tw child loss#tw child harm#tw child abandonment#tw physical abuse#tw physical violence#tw physical harm#tw emotional abuse#tw psychological abuse#tw bullying#cw bullying
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MY STORY WITH BINGE EATING DISORDER
﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏.
Warning:
If you are facing this and believe that this disorder is becoming something more serious, please seek help. Even if you feel that you engage in this behavior very "rarely," I sincerely urge you to reach out to a professional who can assist you in overcoming it, as we cannot wait for it to worsen.
Also, I want to mention that I am not a professional in psychology, so if I give these pieces of advice, it is for you to take them with caution. If you believe they can help you, take them, otherwise, you can leave them.
Introduction:
Hello, little flowers! 💗
This is a topic that I am still struggling with today, but I wanted to share my experience and how I have somewhat reduced this eating behavior since 2020. It is not something I achieved overnight, and for those who have gone through or are still going through this, it is not easy to "stop" when you want to devour everything in your refrigerator.
Story:
My story begins from a very young age when my family would mock or make comments about my slim body. Because of this, I tried to eat more to have a fuller figure, and just when I started feeling good about my slightly curvier body, a family member made a comment that I needed to lose weight, and that's where it all began.
It was around 2018, I was about 13 years old, and I started exercising intensely, almost every day. As carbohydrates were demonized at that time, I ate very little. Consequently, I ate very little in the mornings, almost the same in the afternoons, and in the evenings, I only had a cup of tea. I still don't know how I managed to eat so little and not starve myself. I had only one day to eat something I wanted, like a cookie, a slice of pizza, a chocolate bar, etc. That was it, and it was the same every week. Yes, of course, I lost weight... but not in a healthy way. I can't say for sure if I had anorexia because I was never diagnosed, but I stopped that behavior in 2019 because I had met someone romantically who told me to eat more because I looked too thin. And I listened to him.
Here, I started eating a lot and going to the gym to have a more voluminous figure. I made certain changes, and although that happened, he didn't stay with me.
Then came the pandemic, which not only brought tremendous transformations in various aspects of my life but also for many others.
In 2020, I committed myself to shaping my body to be more "curvaceous" and "toned," or at least that's what I thought at 15 years old... I noticed a big difference, but for a girl who was in the midst of her development during adolescence, all I should have been doing was enjoying myself, not desperately striving for a body of a 25-year-old woman! I had become obsessed, and since I would restrict myself from various "bad foods" during the week, I would eat like a hungry wolf on the weekends and spend the time crying over it. I felt terrible after each binge, with tearful eyes, asking myself, "When will all of this end? When will be the day I stop doing this?"
Due to these episodes, I sought professional help, but it didn't yield results. I went to a nutritionist who created a meal plan for me, but it only worsened my disorder as it restricted certain foods. Of course, my mistake was also not directly telling them about the problem I was going through, and they focused on creating meal plans for athletes. It was like a bomb because it triggered more binges.
I decided to end everything related to exercise and the meal plan in November of that same year to stop having food binges. That's how, by 2021, I "gained weight" in a way, especially since I wasn't exercising as much. Nevertheless, I continued to have binges, and even though I tried to control them, I couldn't, even with the help of a psychologist. Don't get me wrong, she helped me a lot, but sometimes the recovery process requires years of therapy.
The following year... everything got worse. Not only was I dealing with this disorder, but I also experienced depressive episodes that lasted for months, and during those months, I would eat so much, you can't even imagine... My worst fear was coming true; I had gained a significant amount of weight. I can tell you that I had never seen myself like that before; I felt completely defeated, but I couldn't escape from it. My self-esteem plummeted to the point where I didn't want to be seen; I covered myself completely, even my face. It was difficult for me to go to university in such a terrible state; I felt ruined, among other things.
The binge days were no longer just on weekends; it was almost every day. That year, I remember it as a time of pure self-hatred, not only because of my terrible eating habits but also because of what I was going through. All I did was swallow and swallow; I didn't exercise, I didn't take care of myself, etc. It was a journey of terror... But during that time, I met someone who made me blossom. I truly thank that person for appearing in my life; I don't think I could have gotten out of that on my own.
By the end of 2022, I made some progress until early 2023 when I fell back into old habits... Eating poorly, binging, etc. This continued until the end of July when I put a stop to it and promised myself that I wouldn't let myself be trapped in that vicious cycle, that I would take responsibility for myself and take care of myself. In the following months leading up to 2024, I took better care of myself, trying to eat as well as possible without restricting myself, and occasionally exercising. I felt good and more beautiful; now, I was more focused on myself and felt better.
Then, in 2024, I firmly started my journey: exercising, having a diet that suited my needs, and being disciplined about it. Now, if there were days when I ate too much, I didn't deprive myself of food in the following days like I used to; I just stayed focused on my goals and what I wanted. I swear, I had never felt so beautiful, so lovely, so perfect in my own way.
Currently, I feel incredible and have higher self-esteem, especially since I started practicing affirmations, which have boosted my confidence and security. I affirm that this benefits people, as it is supported by psychology that it does work.
In conclusion, I want to mention that my binges haven't completely disappeared, but when they happen, I no longer feel that sense of guilt. I know that it could take years to "get rid of it completely," so I will continue to fight until I achieve it, even if it takes a long time. Now, I'm not as afraid of gaining weight; I always remind myself that my body is constantly changing, and I won't always look the same. I have a whole lifetime to achieve my desired body, so I don't torture myself to achieve it right now. I am enjoying my progress and living life because life is not solely about our bodies, but about who we are, the experiences we have, the moments we cherish, and much more.
Lessons learned:
♡ I've learned that when I have these binges, I try to forget about them as if they didn't happen, to avoid judging or cursing myself for what I did. I take it easy and continue with my routine the next morning.
♡ I suggest that you also reflect on why or what circumstances triggered the binge, so you can identify any patterns you may be following and avoid returning to the same behavior in the future.
♡ I always recommend seeking help from a psychologist or someone professionally trained in psychology to support you throughout your journey. If it is within your means, of course. Otherwise, seek reliable information on how to deal with it and seek support from people who have gone through similar experiences.
Personal note:
My dear ones, please take care of yourselves and don't try to achieve your desired body in a way that could harm your life. I know it's not easy to break free from this, but lean on someone close or someone you trust to provide support.
Remember that your body is a temple, and it should be cared for with flowers. Your body will always fluctuate, but that doesn't mean you look bad, my dear. Your body will look incredible in many ways, and if, in any case, you wish to change it, do so without restricting any food or skipping meals, as those are some of the main causes that lead to these food binges. In any case, I suggest seeking guidance from a nutritionist specialized in eating disorders who can guide you.
Sending you a kiss. You are not alone, my beautiful one. Together, we will overcome this! I care about you. 🫂❤️
#eating disoder trigger warning#tw eating issues#disordered eating mention#inspiring quotes#healthy eating#bingedisorder#mental health#mental health positivity#healing journey#self confidence#self care#girlblogger#girlblogging#inspiration#self improvement#self love#take care of yourself#eating disoder recovery#recovery#psychology#self acceptance#self help#self awareness#self reflection#reflection#self concept#self esteem#afirmations#afirmaciones#advertising
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Abandoment wounds and how they may show up:
- when we meet someone we are interested in, we are more concerned about how they feel for us than what we really feel for them
- we have an hard time leaving relationships, even those that hurt us; we may even try to reconnect with an ex or a person that has made it clear they aren't interested
- if we perceive the other as if they're lacking interest we think the fault is ours and feel bad about it (we may simply be different people with different interests and it's fine; or they may be distant for any other reason: they have a life and feel emotions too)
- we tend to people please, give too much and too easily away; we may also accept to have our needs unmet just to keep a quiet environment and not upset the other with "our stupid needs" (so wrong! our needs are as worthy as the other's person; we are teaching them we're not worthy by doing this and not everyone can see this as a mental/emotional issue)
- we may date people that we think we can fix or save, and find comfort cause we kinda have a goal and feel needed despite the whole relationship is prolly toxic and we're only ending up burning out and neglecting ourselves
- we try to avoid difficult or serious conversations and avoid conflicts cause we feel we may upset the other person and they would like us less or even leave us (so we wear masks and don't allow ourselves to have deep and meaningful relationships that have solid bases)
- we may have trust issues, not see the other person's intentions or not trusting their words and only worry they will leave us (spoiler: it may happen cause the relationship may grow tense and stressing for both of you... and mostly cause of your mind talking you with fear. So have a talk first with it and also about all your fears with the other person)
#words#healing#positivity#important#self love#positive thinking#thoughts#healingjourney#self healing#love yourself#knoweldge#psychology#tw abandonment#abandonment issues#relationships#self care#self growth#self worth#self discovery#mental health#recovery#reminders#trauma#emotions#emotional abuse#emotional growth
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Having a psychologically induced physical disability be like “sorry I can’t walk right now I’m sad.” And it’s completely unexaggerated and literal.
I’ve been in therapy for ten years, and have been inpatient, iop, and partial hospitals. I was taught unresolved trauma and stress can cause like. Stomach and heart issues, migraines.
No one ever told me whatever the actual duck THIS is could happen. Like yeah, my new normal is that crying and panic attacks and triggers make me jerk around involuntarily until I’m catatonic. Is that. How does. PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT CASE 0 FOR THIS??? MY DOCTORS ARE SO CONFUSED BUT APPARENTLY ACCORDING TO PSYCHOLOGY PROFESSIONALS ‘YEAH, PSYCH DISORDERS CAN CAUSE THIS.’ While also seeming confused. I am baffled myself. Like huh???
#mental illness#physically disabled#psychological disorders#mobility aid user#what even#involuntary movement disorder#neurodivergent#young disabled#anxiety#depression#medical trauma#psychological trauma#chronic fatigue#mobility issues#tw psych ward#catatonia
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#important#studyblr#psychology#fuck capitalism#tw eating issues#eating issues#eating disoder trigger warning#fashion#post#stuff#just saying#am i wrong#food for thought#flashcards#dyingroses
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Morbid's Intro ੈ✩‧₊˚
Hello! I'm Morbid, I'm currently 15 and also romanian. This blog is mostly just me oversharing and being depressed online lolz. But I'll probably post other things as well :3
✮ Interests
-Fandoms: Danganronpa, Sally face, Homestuck
-Other: Writing/Poetry, Music, Art, Cosplay, Gaming, Toy collecting
✮ Diagnoses
-BPD (soon to be diagnosed)
-Depression
-EDNOS
-Sensory issues
-Tics
✮ DNI
Homophobes/Transphobes/Racists/etc, Pr0shippers (any kind please go away), NSFW blogs, Anti-recovery, cluster B demonizers + if I think you're weird I'll just block you
════ ⋆★⋆ ════
Thank you for reading! Please reply if you want to be moots :3
#bpd#mental health#mental illness#actually bpd#emo#scene#vent#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#psychology#danganronpa#sally face#homestuck#poetry#writing#music#emo 2000s#moots#looking for moots#looking for mutuals#vent blog#vent tw#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#tics and tourettes#sensory issues
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When the intrapersonal conflict leads to interpersonal conflict 🔥
#tom and jerry#tom and jerry memes#tom and jerry edit#anxious attachment#avoidant attachment#attachment#attachment styles#attachment issues#attachment theory#relationships#relationship memes#relationship issues#psychology#psychology memes#psych memes#psychology student#psych student#oc memes#oc meme#memes#self sabotage#tw self destruction#tom and jerry meme#ineedfairypee#fairypeememes#I Need Fairy Pee#interpersonal conflict#intrapersonal conflict
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It’s always the dad who hits the kid too. Where are the physically abusive moms (that aren’t Mitsuki whose shown to love her kid and it’s more comedic). I’ve said this to someone else but feeling underrepresented here.
Oh, yeah I think since we have so many abusive parents in this series it would be nice to see physically abusive mothers be represented. We have Hawks' mom, but she was more emotionally abusive/neglectful. Plus Hori keeps making it seem like Hawks should forgive her despite his mother not actually trying to better herself like Enji doing.
Mitsuki is the closest we get and as you said, it's played as comedic and for laughs. It's kind of Hori's way of showing where Bakugou got his fiery personality, but not it the "he was abused way" and more in the "genetics" way.
And to be honest Hori didn't even really do well in showing Toga's physical abuse. Unlike Shoto and Tenko who get hit on screen or Touya who we get multiple chapters outlining his neglect, Toga is hit before the flashback starts. On top of that it doesn't seem to be a recurring thing. It's never good to hit your kid and they are constantly emotionally abusive, but it really doesn't look like she was hit or physically abused after the bird incident.
But again, regardless Hori should have showed it the same as Tenko's at least. It's so easy to miss, and given how the first panel is drawn kind of dumb looking. Like she's so far away from her parents that at first I though her father had tossed the dead bird away and she'd fallen running after it or something. If he had hit her hard enough to toss her what looks like ten feet away she would have had more then a tiny bruise that looks like dirt.
I just don't think he put as much effort into Toga because he never really been good at giving real focus to a female character. And that might be part of the reason he doesn't really have any mother's as the main abusers in a household (the other might just be from his own experiences). Which is a shame because it does sort of gloss over a lot of other people's experiences, especially when a major factor in this story is a focus on abusive families.
#ask#thanks for the ask!#bnha#mha#abuse tw#I mean he doesn't really focus on female abusers at all#like idk i think it would have been neat to have Toga's mom be Toga's main abuser even if it wasn't physical#alot of abusive mom's are more psychologically abusive#and it'd make sense that her mom would take greater issue or be tasked with teaching Toga to be normal then her father#like how conservative women police their daughters to make sure they fit into the narrow box they see as a 'proper woman'#idk i think it's a missed opportunity#but at the same time i guess i get it#cuz that's a very afab thing that Hori might not really know or care that much about
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