Not many people talk about how deep emotional neglect hurts you.

I’m afraid to want things. I’m afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid to tell someone something if they seem in a bad mood. I can’t process when someone is nice to me. I can’t handle rejection, but my brain literally short circuits if someone gives me a compliment to the point where sometimes the rejection is better.

There are lots of overlap with emotional abuse, but emotional neglect hurts just as much. And it’s even worse that it usually goes undetected, so a lot of people can’t tell they’re being neglected until it’s too late.

10.18.23

I always find it really annoying when parents say "oh, they're just doing that for attention" when they find out their child is hurting themselves.

...Why not give it to them, then? Why is your child so deprived of attention that they're resorting to self-harm and other dangerous behaviour in an attempt to get it?

Even if needing attention was the sole reason they're doing it (which it often times isn't), that's still a sign that you've been neglectful of your child's physical and emotional needs.

I hate how deeply I crave affection and intimacy but how quickly I run from it. I hate that I wasn't loved in the way that I needed as a kid. I hate that I don't know how to be loved now

every so often i’ll accidentally invent the concept of a mom in my head like “wouldn’t it be so cool if there was a lady who was older and wiser who I could talk to about life and she’d be curious about my experiences and check in from time to time to see how I’m doing ohhhhhhh wait. Damnit.” 

Me as a teenager: I really relate to victims of child abuse. Weird, given my parents are amazing.

Me now: oh.

Offering a big hug to the emotionally neglected people who have no idea how to cope

The ones that can't grasp the concept of coping. The ones that don't even know how to start identifying their emotions. The ones that don't understand coping mechanisms. The ones who only have maladaptive coping mechanisms. The ones who only know how to repress. The ones that feel ashamed for not knowing how to cope. The ones that feel angry for not having anyone teach them. The ones that feel hopeless about healing. The ones that feel like it's impossible for them to cope

I'm sorry you have to build up from scratch something that other people should've taught you. I see how hard you're trying, I see how exhausting and difficult it is. I wish I could give you so many affirmations, but I'm in the same place you are. Ily

Friendly reminder that "I bought you nice things", "I gave you food and a roof over your head" and "I've never hit/physically hurt you" does not justify emotional abuse, neglect or parentification.

And if when being confronted they make you feel guilty and get defensive and passive aggressive saying some variant of "Oh well I must've been such a terrible parent!" and tell you how they bought you nice things for your birthdays and how your basic needs were met, that does not make your feelings and trauma invalid. You're not a bad person or ungrateful for feeling hurt.

anytime i think about my parents comforting me it actually makes me physically ill

Fourteen year old Tim teaches Young Justice about rationing food in an emergency. Except...Bruce hasn't taught him that yet.

Red Tornado praises his teaching abilities, stating that his lesson to the other kids had been both informative and practical. In fact, he'd assigned "homework" for the other Young Justice members to find and stock enough food for an emergency for a week.

Small problem.

Tim isn't slotted for that particular lesson until next week.

Bruce takes a step back.

Tim is always eager to learn, perhaps he'd just taught himself nutrition ahead of schedule and was sharing that lesson with his friends.

...Except his Robin's lesson hadn't involved emergency rations in the wild, just in an urban environment.

Bruce finds out rather early that Tim's parents are neglectful, and is very conflicted on how to deal with it.

He isn't in a good place mentally to adopt again.

But Tim cannot stay in that empty house.

nothing makes you more thirsty for affection than an emotionally absent father

I hate how they demonized attention-seeking behavior, as if it somehow makes you bad to need attention, especially as a child.

I’ve had fantasies of bad things happening to me and those closest to me, and getting attention, pity, and love because of it, for most of my life. Is this normal? No. Does it mean I am a bad person who actually wants bad things to happen to the people I love? No. Does it make me self-absorbed to crave attention that badly? No.

There’s always a reason that people do things “just for attention”. And it is rarely what people think it is.

I grew up feeling so guilty for doing things for attention, and ended up not getting the attention and help I needed because of that guilt.

Self harm is a good example of something that is often said to be done “just for attention”. And you know what? Yes, I have hurt myself for attention. And nobody understood why I would do something like that to myself.

But when you are so desperate for someone to see you, to hear you, to help you, that you would literally die to get someone to show they care, it makes a lot more sense.

Let’s try to be more understanding about attention-seeking behavior. Let’s see it for what it is: a legitimate call for help. Not a sign of self-centeredness.

Sometimes we seek external validation in order to feel like we can still earn the love and approval we might have been denied in our childhood or past experience/s. We can do this in many different ways, developing different "abilities" in order to have our emotional needs met "at all costs": for example we become a perfectionist (we were praised only after overworking/reaching certain results); we start people pleasing (we were taught others cannot leave if we're what they search for and are always there for them no matter what); we learned to downplay our needs to avoid conflicts or problems of sort...

These (and others too) are all copying mechanisms we developed to fill the void/emotional neglect/absence of unconditional love we've been experiencing in our past. Living this way though can make us develop other problems in our self: eg. digestive problems, chronic stress, dissociation. But the thing is: no matter what we do or how much we change, an emotionally immature caregiver is blocked by their own self limitations and fixed views so they won't show up for us as we need.

And it's not our fault: they just weren't given the correct infos to handle their emotions and cannot see where they're going wrong (maybe also cause they were taught from another wounded generation that this is how you do things, no matter if they pain you or what), so please forgive yourself and free yourself from shame and guilt. It's not your fault if your caregivers couldn't show you that you don't have to gain love in any way cause you're already lovely and worthy as you are.

The moment you miss your parents' love in your childhood (a foundational moment of the life of any human being), you carry this void in your adulthood and it may even get enhanced, or make you search for the same type of relationship where you need to show up in a certain way to feel like you deserve love (and this keeps you stauck in the same place of pain and self hurt). You will always need to seek approval, to act in a certain way, fear being abandoned, wonder about your worth/being enough, and that's cause of your rooted habit born from the lack of emotional consistent support.

To get out of this cycle, try to understand why and how you had to develop this copying mechanism and why you keep it in your life these days (ofc ask for help to professional figures too if you need). You can get out of it and find the right emotional nourishment you need and deserve: let yourself try to see things from another perspective.

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actually fucking insane I have to beg for basic human things like attention and communication from my family. these people are insane