The fact that most of the people who I got kinda close with basically left me without a second thought really made me grow this unconscious belief that sooner or later I'll end up alone, no matter what. This made me build up walls and avoid making people come too close (what's the point of being open if they're leaving anyway? Let's keep things on a surface level, it's gonna make the whole process easier for both).
But the truth is... that's not what a relationship of any type is supposed to be and this doesn't have to happen again. Not everyone is supposed to leave, some people are supposed to stay in our life and help us heal and grow. And also, I am now different from the person I was. I know how strong I am, how much I can afford and survive, and I know where I might have been wrong in the past so probably I won't make the same mistakes again or at least try my best to recognize them and make up for them.
I wanna do better and be better, and feel deserving of something more. Cause I do.
Wild things I have learnt in therapy:
When a child cries, parents are supposed to comfort them, not punish them
Parents are, in fact, supposed to want to spend time with their children
Children too have a right to privacy, meaning parents are not allowed to read their diaries etc and then punish them for the thoughts they found about
Children are allowed to be upset and cry
Children don't have to earn the love and attention from their parents by performing various things
Children are not supposed to be scared of going home and/or their parents
Children are not supposed to be physically abused and even a little bit of hitting is actually physical abuse
Parents are not supposed to expect that children are mentally as mature as other adults
Children are not supposed to be told that they're an accident, a burden, or something the parents regret
Children are not supposed to be scared and ashamed of themselves or feel like failures because of their parents
I really feel like im losing. Like I feel so controlled by my trauma, anxiety, depression, disorders and it's overpowering me. It controls my life. Everything in my life. I feel so paralyzed and so fucked up. Why can't I just be normal. How does everyone else make it look so easy. I'm tired, exhausted, really.
People need to understand that for those who have gone through trauma experience things differently.
If you went through an abandonment as a child, a breakup others would get over with in months can take years to overcome.
If you went through domestic abuse, even small changes in a loved one's tone can make you anxious.
If you were belittled your whole childhood, being professionally critized at work can feel like the end of the world.
Trauma effects us for a long time after it occurs.