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emo-batboy · 11 months

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Battinson on SNL

Idk how popular Saturday Night Live is outside of the US so there will be some links for context. That said, as a New Jersey native, I think Battinson would totally watch the show. And since he's a celebrity...👀

To promote WE’s newest charity fund, Alfred signs Bruce up to be a guest host on SNL (à la this post) The announcement is made, and everyone’s like “oh this is going to be a disaster. That man can’t even hold eye contact or speak a full sentence without crying.”

But oh, that’s why it’s so funny.

Now, hear me out. Bruce’s strengths are displayed best when he’s himself. That’s why he’s so popular in Gotham. That’s why the internet calls him Relatable TM and a Disaster (Affectionate) and “Poor Little Meow Meow.” It’s his ✨ essence ✨

But he tends to get overwhelmed or self-conscious onstage, right? Because he can’t be Himself himself if he has time to overthink something. So after a few meetings with Bruce, the writers of SNL figure out the perfect way to keep Bruce from getting anxious.

They decide to load this episode with as many skits where Bruce plays different caricature-like versions of himself as possible. The objective? Make him break character and laugh so he doesn’t overthink. And if he breaks character, he’ll still technically be in character because he’s playing himself, you know? Genius.

So that’s how they go about structuring the show. During the few days they have to write, they decide to take everything about Bruce’s public image and either ramp it up to 11 or turn it on its head.

He speaks quietly? Turn it into a running gag. He dresses in all black? Make him emo. He tips well? Add that in too. He’s “depressed” and “sad?” Literally, all he does on screen is laugh and break character. What’s not to love?

Of course, Bruce also gets to decide what skits are in each episode as well. (Refer to this if you have no idea how SNL works.) He loves the idea, though, and he has a surprisingly dark sense of humor which bleeds into some of the sketches. They add in a few skits without him, and they’ve got their lineup.

It’s the wildest episode of the season. Here are the highlights:

OPENING MONOLOGUE

It’s the big night, everyone’s excited to see Bruce Wayne hosting a live sketch comedy show with no idea how it will turn out.

To begin his monologue, Bruce walks on, opens his mouth to start talking, and immediately two cast members appear as stagehands to set up six microphones in front of him. He is already struggling to keep himself together.

Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m host- Cast Member: *adds one more tiny microphone to his chest* Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m hosting tonight.”

It’s working. The audience loves it.

Halfway through, Kate McKinnon comes out in a dark cloak with a chalice. “Your sustenance, my lord.” *sees camera* “Oh. Sorry. Carry on.” And she shambles off. Bruce has to take a second before continuing.

Bruce knows when (most of) the jokes come. It’s literally on the cue cards, but he still falls into a fit of giggles.

There are a few more gags, including Lex Luthor peeking out from behind the band set-up, all teasing the show to come.

Overall, an amazing way to set the tone for the episode. Expectations have been set. Then the skits begin!

(Oh but before I forget: During every single live skit with Bruce, the writers have scheduled for one of the cast members to run in dressed as a stagehand and put an extra mic on him. They do not tell him when it will happen.)

SKIT #1

Between the monologue and the first skit, he has to do a really fast quick change, but to everyone’s surprise, Bruce is a natural. (Huh, wonder why.)

The skit is called Gotham PTA Meeting. We open in a meeting room full of stereotypical PTA moms setting down baked goods and gossiping. And apparently, there is a new PTA member attending today 👀

Right as the meeting starts, he enters. Bruce walks in wearing the most emo get-up imaginable. He’s got a Nirvana shirt, a comical amount of eyeliner, black skinny jeans, chain accessories, metal rings, AND a clip-in extension to give him fringe.

Someone immediately runs in and puts another mic on him.

PTA Mom: “Oh, Bruce! You made it! Did you bring a snack?” Bruce: “I brought lemon bars.” PTA Mom: “Why are they black?” Bruce: “They match my soul…they’re also vegan.”

He talks like a moody teenager. HE CONSTANTLY has to brush the fringe off to the side to read the cue cards. And because there’s so much eyeliner and he’s sweating a bit from the lights, it starts running everywhere.

PTA Mom: “Bruce, you’re a little quiet. What are your thoughts on increasing the school lunch budget?” Bruce: *eyeliner dripping down his chin* “I think it’s a great idea.”

SKIT #2

For a pre-filmed skit, they bring back the Chad character with Pete Davidson.

It’s 2 am, and Chad is working at a 24hr drug store in Gotham. He’s reading Twilight (the book is upside down) when the lights begin to flicker.

He turns around and tries the light switch, turns back around, and JUMPSCARE it’s Bruce dressed as Edward from Twilight.

Yes, he IS sparkly.

Bruce is awkwardly holding a bunch of items, all concerning. He plops down a few knives, several raw meats, Sudafed. Chad: “Oh hey.” Bruce: O_O “I’d like to check out please.” Chad: “Lit.”

Chad’s “No Fucks Given” energy and Bruce’s “Please Do Not Perceive Me” energy clash like titans. The whole skit centers around it.

Bruce: *sweating bullets* “Oh. You’re reading Twilight?” Chad: “Just the title.” Bruce: *throws the book through the window at lightning speed* “It’s not very good. You should probably read something else.” Chad: *shrugs* “Okay.”

Chad: “ID?” Bruce: “ID? For what?” Chad: “Sudafed.” Bruce: “Oh. I don’t really need that, actually.” Chad: “Already scanned it.” Bruce: “Haha. Of course.” *awkwardly produces a scroll from his pocket that says Bruce Wayne DOB: 1901* Chad: “Okay.”

Bruce checks out, Chad picks up a porno mag or something, and we see Bruce turn into a bat and fly off through the window behind him.

SKIT #3

The next skit they have is Celebrity Family Feud: Billionaires Edition. Again, Bruce plays himself, but he’s more of a background character. Instead, the skit makes fun of billionaires as a whole.

Bruce’s team consists of Kylie Jenner, Lex Luthor, and Oliver Queen. So just imagine three Lucille Bluths standing beside one another.

Bruce’s bit? He just keeps handing cash to Steve Harvey every time he breathes in his direction.

Host: "We got the richest man in the world: Bruce Wayne!" Bruce: *hands him a roll of cash* Host: "Oh, what’s this for?" Bruce: "It’s your tip. I always tip." Host: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, you don’t usually tip the show host. I’m also a millionaire myself." Lex Luthor: *snatches it* "Well, if you’re not going to use it, I will…for charity, of course." Host: "Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night."

Just a ton of fun quips, the usual.

At some point, Harvey says, “That’s batty.” Bruce: *ducks* “Where?!” Host: “Oh, I don’t mean Batman. He’s not here.” Bruce: “You don’t know that.”

This time, the mic bit is a bit different.

Host: “We asked 100 billionaires: How much does a loaf of bread cost? Top three answers are on the board.” Bruce: *hits buzzer* Host: Bruce, your answer is? Cast Member: *runs in with a megaphone and holds it in front of Bruce* Bruce: “TEN DOLLARS?”

Board dings! That was the #1 answer

Brucie Wayne for the win

SKIT #4

Next is a skit that dares to ask Gotham, “Why would anyone live here?”

The skit begins with someone opening a press conference for Wayne Enterprises. “And now presenting: Bruce Wayne!” Bruce walks in…

But it’s not him. Instead, it’s one of the cast members dressed in a black suit with horribly gelled brown hair.

Everyone in the audience is wondering where the actual Bruce is before another cast member runs onstage crying, “Help! Help! I’ve just been robbed! Somebody call Batman!”

A mini version of the bat-signal lights up…

We hear some generic hero music play…

And there he is: Bruce Wayne dressed in a horribly cheap Batman costume

(They got the cowl ALL wrong btw)

Bruce puts his hands on his hips in a weird superhero pose. Bruce: “I’m Batm-” Cast Member: *runs out to attach another mic to his costume* Bruce: “….I’m Batman!”

Cue all of the gags and digs against Batman. The fake Bruce faints then starts crying under a table. Someone calls Batman a furry. Bruce is barely keeping it together the whole time. Lord help him, but he asked for it. He approved the skit.

Bruce: “Looks like a job for my bat taser!” Cast Member: “Isn’t that just a taser with a bat on it?” Bruce: *whispers* “You shut your mouth.”

He saves the day, the police take the thief into custody, then Batman myStErioUsly disappears. Bruce: “Look over there!” *runs off* Cast Member: “Oh my gooood, how did he do that?”

CLOSING SEGMENT

Finally, they have the Weekend Update where Bruce comes on as himself for the final time.

Since they got his permission, the writers switch out some of Bruce’s jokes last minute. (Think Bill Hader’s Stefon which notoriously caused him to break character because the writers would mess with his cue cards.)

News Anchor: “Here to promote his newest humanitarian project: Bruce Wayne!” “Mr. Wayne, what a pleasure to see you today.” Bruce: “Thank you. This is probably the longest I’ve been out of the house.” News Anchor: “Since the Riddler catastrophe?” Bruce: “Since ever.”

News Anchor: “So Mr. Wayne! Before you make your announcement, any life updates?” Bruce: “Yes, actually. Just a few days ago, I adopted five- *starts losing it* five more children.” News Anchor: “Wow, really? So you have eight kids now.” Bruce: “Uh huh. *tears streaming down his face* One more orphan and I get the tenth one free.”

News Anchor: “So where can people find you online?” Bruce: “Well, I don’t have social media because I’m afraid of people, but sometimes I’m on Twitter.” News Anchor: “What about a phone call?” Bruce: “Oh no, phone calls- *giggle* phone calls give me fainting spells.”

It’s a great way of finishing the show, with the most genuine version of Bruce. Then, he gets to what’s really important!

News Anchor: “So if they can’t reach you on social media or on the phone, what else can our viewers do, Mr. Wayne?” Bruce: “They can donate to the Wayne Foundation’s newest charity called The Arts Initiative. It funds programs for the arts in underdeveloped school districts nationwide. I’ve already donated $30 million, and I’ve pledged to match every dollar donated within the next week.”

And that’s what he’s here for :) They share a link for where and how to donate. The anchors praise him for his charity, which he deflects because he can definitely afford this, and the 90-minute broadcast is over.

The camera pans away with the whole cast waving goodbye, and Bruce is seen keeling over with laughter.

Along with some of the other skits, these four specifically go viral. WE raises a fuck ton of money, and everyone loves Bruce.

THE END

LOVE YOU ALL!! Let me know what you think :D

#battinson #bruce wayne #batman #batman 2022 #the batman 2022 #the batman #battinson needs a hug #gotham #dc universe #dc #saturday night live #snl #soft bruce wayne #batdad #batfamily #gotham city #brucie wayne #only in gotham #give battinson a child 2k23

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hanasnx · 6 months

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BRUCE WAYNE was in the hot seat. Well, more appropriately, Batman was in the hot seat. Which meant it was time for the billionaire playboy to make a public appearance so controversial, any press worth their tacks would cover his televised blunder rather than some depressing masked vigilante’s dealings. People prefer gossip over politics, and Bruce knows how to work an angle.

You’re a fresh adult, but the people already know you. A perfect Gotham sweetheart: a little darling on the front cover of lingerie magazines, starring as a bombshell in motion pictures, named the honor of the Ice Princess last month. You wore your little feathery outfit, next to nothing in the freezing cold, and turned on the city's giant Christmas tree lights just as the Ice Princess does every year. Known for your youth and beauty, Bruce knew you were the perfect candidate to take all the attention away from where it shouldn't be. Tabloids couldn't decide whether to praise the seasoned billionaire for landing a nineteen-year-old catch, or condemn him for having a mid-life crisis.

"Bruce Wayne seen with Gotham's Ice Princess." was everywhere anyone looked. It seemed the city had taken quite a protective role over you, which is exactly what Bruce needed.

Now that he's got you, he flaunts you. He lets you lug him around town, any local events that could be televised are his priorities. There, he makes a big show of touching you in ways only a lover is allowed to. Things that make you pat his huge bicep scoldingly. "Brucie!" you chide with a gasp, "You're so shameless." you say, but you fucking love it. How he openly mouths at your neck, lapping and sucking on your pulse point enough for lewd pretty sounds to slew from your parted lips. Little whimpers that any onlookers eat up.

He'll grope you unabashedly, big hand grabbing at your ass or giving it a swat. He needs those cameras to see how gross he is, how crazy he is about his nineteen-year-old situationship. If you get kissed, it's fucking sloppy. Mostly tongue, tongue outside the mouth as much as he can appropriately get away with. His "dirty sense of humor" will bleed into the public scene as well, hugging you from behind only to jokingly engulf your neck with his hand to fake a choke.

Every single one of these things he does for attention, leaves you hot and bothered. Frustrated from his treatment of you that's so warm when there are prying eyes, but so cold when you're finally alone together. You want Bruce Wayne to fuck the ever-loving shit out of you, but when doors are closed suddenly it's: "Something's come up." or "The sushi hit me wrong." Or the worst one of all: the polite, civilized, but uninterested act. You're all over him, begging for him to finally fuck you after stringing you along and teasing you so ardently all day, and he treats you as if you are an acquainted business associate who has overstayed her welcome. You don't get it. An hour ago he was pulling your neckline towards him for a peek down your dress, and now he's showing you the door with a smile on his face.

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punkiebuttons · 9 months

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Y/N, pointing: May I sit there?

Jason: That's my lap

Y/N: That doesn't answer my question, Jason

Y/N: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming

Bruce: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak

Y/N: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Damian: I do have a sense of humor you know

Y/N: I’ve never heard you laugh before

Damian: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

Bruce: Is something burning?

Y/N: Just my love for you.

Bruce: Y/N, the toaster is on fire.

#batfam #batfamily #bruce wayne x reader #bruce wayne #batman #jason todd #damian wayne x reader #jason todd x reader

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frownyalfred · 9 days

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"That Clark is in love with Batman, not Bruce."

Fucking OUCH.

How does Bruce feel about this? How intense is that divide between Clark's love for Batman but not for Bruce? Does Bruce see himself as The Mask as he sometimes does, or does he think his real self is the man in-between, the one in the costume but with the cowl down and tired eyes?

Damn, imagine having a part of you be rejected, either because it's actually the REAL you or because it's a part you have to play and is therefore a part of you still. But COMPARTMENTALIZATION is written with capital letters in Bruce's mind so mayyyyybeeeee...

I guess it depends on how you write Bruce. Is Bruce Wayne the mask? Is Batman? Is the real man somewhere in between? Does anyone even know that person, other than Alfred? Could Clark get to know that person, if he wanted to enough?

I think a lot of those fics tend to write Batman as more real, more genuine, and the “version” of Bruce that Clark falls in love with. But isn’t Batman just as much of an act as Brucie is sometimes? It’s not untrue, but it’s an exaggeration of the truth in many ways. But they’re all PART of him, masks of his, still him.

I think what’s more interesting is Clark slowly realizing that none of those masks are truly real — but that the glimmers he sees in them, the things that he does like, are worth the digging. Batman’s quiet competency, Brucie’s sense of humor. Etc.

#thoughts #about to head into yoga sorry but that’s my nightly ramble #bruce wayne #batman #dc #superbat #clark kent #asks #superman

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sosa2imagines · 2 months

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Misunderstanding.

Warnings- None, mention of scar, angst, Steve being angry. -----------------------------------------------------

Your last mission took a toll on you. Getting stabbed nastily just below your tummy. Leading you to an urgent surgery and blood transfusion, cause of sever blood loss. Leaving you in the hospital for one month ten days.

Guess being a highly trained assassin, with good fighting skills does not guarantee 100% safe results. Only Tony, Nat and Bruce knew about your whereabouts. As for the rest? They just knew you had been seriously injured. Steve wanted to know about your whereabouts but for his own safety, no one told him anything, driving him crazy.

“So, all set to finally leave this place?” Rose one of the sweet nurse asks, her sweet nature made you, be friends with her. “Yes, finally out of your hair.” you chuckle. “I'll miss you Y/n” she hugs getting emotional and you hug her back with a smile. “I'll miss you too, now remember I'm just a phone call away.”

“I know!” she rolls her eyes playfully “So who's gonna pick you up?” “Hopefully Nat” as soon as those words left your mouth, AC/DC Highway to hell ringtone was blasting in the hallways. “On a second thought” “Tony” Rose answered and you gave her an apologetic smile.

“I heard my name” Tony's sarcastic voice roars in the room. “Tony you should keep your phone on silence” you explain to him. “Now when have I ever listened to anyone?” he smirks. “Umm Caps?” “Of course! you will take his name ‘boyfriend ass kisser’” “As if you won't ‘Pepper's loyal child’”

This is what you miss the most. Calling each other, with weird made up names. Tony smirks, hugging you in a tight brotherly embrace.

“I missed you kid, don't you dare do that again” “I missed you too Tons”.

Tony and you became best friends instantly, shortly after you both were introduced by Fury, after the battle of New York. You both have same kind of sense of humor, your being a bit sophisticated. You are one of the few females, Pepper trusts Tony with. And it was Tony, who made you join the Avengers.

As you both said bye to Rose and rest of the staff members, you were now on your way to Stark Towers in Tony's high-tech SUV.

“So, how's everyone?” “You mean all or Steve specifically?”

Hearing his name, a smile forms on your face. Steve Rogers aka Captain America your co-worker, best friend, lover, boyfriend. Unlike Tony and rest of the gang, Steve was professional in the very beginning, calling you mam.

It took you months for him to call you with your first name. Soon you became friends, bonding over music and art. Slowly Steve started to like you more than a friend, but at that time you were in a relationship with someone else.

But after the nasty breakup, Steve took proper care of you and you began to fall for him. It was only a matter of time; you both shared your feelings for each other. Making you both the prettiest couple.

“Umm all of them and yes Steve specifically...” “All are good and excited for you. Nat and Wanda have gone crazy, Steve and Metal man are out on a mission with our mutant friends, they'll be back later today.”

“You are the one in an Iron suit, yet still you call Bucky metal man?” “I can call him many names” Tony smirks. "Tony” you warn him. “Yeah yeah alright” he sighed.

“Wait you said Nat and Wanda have gone crazy?” “Yeah about that” “What did you do Tony?” “Why do you think I did something?”

You just give him a death glare, he looks outside the window before finally caving in.

“Alright stop glaring it's scary, don't freak out I have planned a small party for you.” Tony is now smiling being hopeful, giving you the best puppy dog face. “Thank god you are cute Tons” Tony acts shocked putting a hand on his heart “I'm hot, but I'll take cute” he winks at you, making you laugh.

As soon as you both enter the tower, inside the lounge everyone jumps to scream surprise. Hugging you gently, being extra cautious of your injury.

“Guys I missed you all too, but I'm not fragile, I can still kick asses. Nat you know me” “Guys she's right, come here sexy” Nat engulfs you in a big tight hug. It is special, you both are like sisters inseparable.

“Nat I missed you so much!!!” “How’s the wound?” “All healed left with a scar, just like you bye bye bikinis” “Oh to hell with them we'll own the bikini look with our scars”

You both laughed as Wanda, squeezed between you two, making it a cute group hug between the three.

“Y/N” Thor calls you loudly, pulling you away from everyone, hugging you in a bone breaking hold. “I love you too Thor!!” your voice was muffled being buried in his hold. As he lets go, your eyes begin to search for Steve.

“Looking for someone?” Nat asks “I know whom she is looking for” Clint smiles. “Sir Captain Rogers and Barnes have arrived” FRIDAY'S voice was like a music to your ears. Everyone gather in front of you, to hide you from Steve. Thor was holding your hand to keep you steady. You just wanted to break loose and run into Steve's arms.

“Guys I want to see him”, “NO” all said in unison. “But why?” “Surprise” Nat said.

When Bucky and Steve entered the lounge, everyone shouted together “SURPRISE”. Steve and Bucky gave each other confuse look.

Everyone parted ways and Thor let’s goes of your hand. Steve was shocked to see you. He removed his mask still not able to believe, that you are standing in front of him. Bucky quickly hugs you, asking about your health “I'm fine Buck, we can spar together soon...”

Even though you were answering Bucky, you kept looking at Steve. Something felt odd. As you finally went to hug Steve, something felt off. Steve did hug you back, but didn't say anything. He just looked at you, touching your cheek, before leaving for your shared bedroom. Everyone tried to call him back, but you knew he won't listen to anyone.

“What's wrong with him?” Tony asked, “I'll go see him, he must be tired.” you replied.

On your way to your shared bedroom, Bucky pulled you in the corner. “Y/n, doll he’s been going crazy. No one told him about your whereabouts and he was scared about losing you...” You know Steve was scared, not knowing about you and hearing about it from Bucky pained your heart even more. You wanted to run to Steve and shower all the love you have for him.

“I know Buck, I hate not telling him. But it was for his own safety!” “His safety?” “Yes, the hydra agents wanted to kidnap him. We got a lead, that they wanted to take him away from us and I could not risk that. We didn't know if someone was watching us.” “God he's an idiot, go get that punk and if he acts stubborn let me know I'll kick his ass” “Language!” you both laughed.

As you enter the room, you saw Steve had taken a quick shower and was shirtless just in his sweats lying on the bed.

“Steve?” “Umm” “Please talk to me” “How are you?” “I'm good...I'm...” “Ok” He cut's you mid-sentence. “Steve I know you are angry, but please let’s talk...let me...” “Talk? About what? The fact I have been kept in the dark about my girlfriend's location? Steve yells, making you flinch slightly.

“Steve please let me explain it was for your own safety. We got...” “My safety?” He shouts, not letting you finish what you want to say.

Steve grabs your shoulders and yells, “I can take care of myself Y/n. I'm fucking Captain America! God dammit do you have any idea what I have been through?”

Your eyes well up, as you try your best not to cry but his hold was tight. Even though you could see his pain, his anger was hurting you.

“Steve please...let me explain” “Y/n I'm tired, we'll talk later, you need to rest too!”

You just nod, not able to form any words. You decided to shower first, as you took your top off, Steve saw your scar, he kept looking at it. In his mind, he was screaming at himself for shouting at you, but little did you know that. Instead you thought he is disgusted by it. You took fresh clothes and ran inside the bathroom, turning on the hot water, crying your heart out with silent sobs.

Steve could hear you crying, because of his enhanced hearing. But his stupid anger was coming between the both of you. After an hour you came out. Steve saw you, even though he wanted to apologize, his anger made him say something else.

“I'm heading down for a bit” “Where...are you going?” “Just heading out, unlike you, I won't go anywhere without telling you!”

That jab, was like a knife going deep in your heart. You choked your tears...trying your best not to cry. Somewhere you felt you deserved that. You just nod, not looking at him.

“Ok, don't be late for the party...” “Party?” “Yes Tony…he umm has thrown a party for my return…” You didn’t look at him, eyes fixed on the floor. You knew, if you look at him, you won’t be able to control your emotions.

“Okay I'll be back soon; you should rest in the meantime.”

Steve didn’t even looked at you, leaving you alone with dreadful thoughts, as he went out to cool down his own anger.

Part 2

(I wrote this, because I was bored and this was stuck in my head. Comments and feedbacks are appreciated.)

#chris evans characters #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers angst #steve rogers x reader angst #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers x reader fluff #steve rogers

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dahliadew · 1 year

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Lex Luther's new BFF

So I had this idea for a prompt for awhile but I don't think ill do anything with it so I wanted to put it out into the universe in case anyone else thought it might be interested in it.

When billionaires Lex Luther and Bruce Wayne are kidnapped and held for ransom, Lex is devastated that he will have to spend several hours stuck in a room with "Brucie Wayne" until the justice league can rescue them. And that would have been the case till a countdown began, and the two were forced to work together to break out before they were killed. And it's then that Lex is forced to take a deeper look at Bruce and realizing just how much of himself he's been hiding. And after thinking about the Bruce he knew in boarding school, the menagerie of talented children he's collected, and the silent domineering presence that Wayne industry's had become since Bruce's return to Gotham. Obviously, Luther comes to the only logical conclusion, that Bruce Wayne is a supervillain who just haven't revealed himself yet. And Lex is finally happy to have some one who he can talk about supervillain stuff with.

The thing though is when Luther becomes interested in something, superman takes notice and, by extension, the justice league. And because they were unaware of Bruce Wayne being batman, they themselves started to believe that Bruce Wayne may have ulterior motives for his humanitarianism. Especially with the mob-like way, he and his children run his other business with brutal efficiency.

And what does Bruce think of all this? As a man who dresses up as a bat and beats up criminals in his free time, he has a bit of a messed-up sense of humor. And he and his children are going to play into this as much as they can. They do need to spend some more out-of-uniform family time together anyways; Alfred's been getting on them for that.

#dc prompt #batman #bruce wayne #lex luthor #brucie wayne #fanfiction prompts #fanfiction #dcu #dcu fanfic #batfam #fanfic

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lazycats-stuff · 10 months

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Baby bat who gets kidnapped by lex Luthor but has no clue what’s happening like he’s being taken to metropolis and baby bats is like are we thiere yet singing and being a menace

Thiere confused on why an ugly bald guy is taking them out but Luthor gets fed up and leaves the kid somewhere and they just vibe

Alright. Again, comedy is not my strong suit, but I will try. Also, a little digression, I hit 700 followers. Thanks everyone. Also, this will be under Batfamily

Summary: (Y/N) gets kidnapped by Lex Luthor. Lex gets more than he bargained for.

Warnings: Kidnapping, (Y/N) is supposed to be a menace, but author doesn't have a sense of humor... Author has tried.

It all began on a rainy Monday. Everything was worse due to universal law of Monday being the worst days of the week. Bruce thought it would be a normal day. He dropped his son off at the kindergarten, gave him a kiss to the forehead and went to work.

If only Bruce knew that 3 hours later, (Y/N) would be kidnapped by Lex Luthor and a search for the unknown kidnapper would begin. Bruce also passed out when he got a call. The others left school to come back to the manor to help his father track their youngest.

Lex Luthor was pleased with himself as he was driving towards Metropolis. He had successfully, well, not him personally, but his men, kidnapped the youngest member of the Wayne family. Bruce was the most protective and the rest of the brothers are protective too.

The fact that (Y/N) was with them since he was a baby, amplified that protectiveness ten times more. He glanced at rearview mirror, seeing that the toddler was awake.

" Good to see you awake. " Lex said, watching as the toddler rubbed his eyes with his balled up hands.

" Where are we going? " (Y/N) asked, looking out the window.

" Don't worry about that. " Lex said quickly.

There was a silence for a few moments. (Y/N) was swinging his feet, looking around.

" Are we there yet? "(Y/N) asked, looking the back of Lex's head.

" No. "

A few moments passed.

" Are we there yet? "

" No. "

" Are we there now? "

" No. " Lex said, turning on the radio for (Y/N).

" The music is too loud! " (Y/N) whined, making Lex sigh. He turned down the volume. After a few more moments, Lex felt a kick at the back of this seat. He had to take a deep breath.

" Stop it. "

It was calm for a few moments. Then the sit got kicked again.

" Stop it! Right now! " Lex growled out loudly.

" I need to go to the bathroom. " (Y/N) asked, looking at Lex. " Why are you bald? " (Y/N) also asked.

Lex took a deep breath.

" I was in an accident. That's all you need to know. " Lex said.

" I need to go to the bathroom. " (Y/N) whined, making Lex sighed.

" Well, you are going to wait! " Lex yelled at (Y/N), making (Y/N) cross his arms. Alright.

" How much longer? " (Y/N) asked, watching as Lex was loosing his patience.

" Shut up. Just shut up. "

" Can I have your phone? " (Y/N) asked, bouncing his knee.

" Absolutely not. " Lex said, disgusted at the mere thought of it. How does Bruce Wayne put up with this brat?

So what does (Y/N) do in this situation? He starts singing loudly. What did he start singing? Frozen's Let it go. It seems that was the last straw for Lex as he pulled over. He got out of the car and left (Y/N) on the road.

" I'm not doing this. " Lex said, getting back into the car. (Y/N) watched as he drove off, confused?

Who was this bald man? And where were they going? He looked down at his shoes. He wanted to see his dad. But he couldn't walk back.

" Uncle Clark? I need some help. Some bald guy kidnapped me. " (Y/N) said, out loud, turning around to look at trees behind him.

A minute after he said it, Clark landed next to him. " Are you okay? " Clark asked his nephew, looking him over.

" I'm okay. I just want to see my dad. " (Y/N) said, wrapping himself around Clark like a koala.

" And we will kiddo. Hold on tightly. "

" Gordon, I'm telling you, that is Lex Luthor's guy. " Bruce said, rubbing his face.

" I need official conformation that there is a connection. I can understand you are afraid for your son, but I can't act on your hunch." Gordon tried to explain to Bruce. Bruce sighed, sitting down at the office chair in Gordon's office.

" I get that, but... My son is with them. I don't know if he is alive or dead. I don't know if he is injured... I don't know... " Bruce said, worry and sadness clear in his voice.

" I ca- Oh my God. " Gordon trailed off, looking through the glass windows behind Bruce. Bruce turned around, eyes widening at the sight. Superman was holding his son.

Bruce got up and ran out of the office, smiling at the sight of his son. Superman handed the little boy to his father. Bruce embraced his son, fighting tears as he held him tightly.

" Thank you Superman. " Bruce whispered, kissing (Y/N)'s head.

" No problem mister Wayne. Also, he told me that a bald man kidnapped him. " Superman said, making Bruce turn around to give Gordon a look.

" I will speed it up. " Gordon said.

" Thank you. (Y/N), are you hurt? "Bruce asked his son.

" No dad. Can we go home? " (Y/N) asked. He was tired and he laid his head on Bruce's shoulder.

" Of course we can. " Bruce said, thanking Superman once more.

#bruce wayne x male reader #dc comics #dc x male reader #x male reader #batfamily #batman x male reader #lex luthor

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incorrectbatfam · 1 year

Note

Batfam’s Father’s Day plans

(also on Ao3)

"Morning, Bruce."

The way Stephanie says that instantly makes him look up. She traces her socked toe on the right angles of the tile, looking down.

"Morning, Steph." Bruce puts his coffee down. "Something wrong?"

"Huh?" She perks up in realization. "No, not at all. I actually just have something for you. I stopped by Walgreens on patrol last night 'cause I ran out of antiseptic, and I saw something that reminded me of you."

She hands him a dark blue greeting card with a cartoon fruit bat and Comic Sans text reading: You drive me batty, but I love you.

"Get it? 'Cause it's a bat, and you're the Batman." She scratches the back of her neck. "Not trying to make it weird or anything, you're just a cool mentor and whatnot. But also, it's nice to have someone who you can mess around with. My old man was always talking business even when he was at home—you kinda do that too, but in a good way 'cause anything's better than being a D-list villain, y'know. Plus, unlike him, you're working on striking a balance. Sometimes you even have a sense of humor." She chuckles awkwardly. "Anyway, I'm going on a jog. Text me if you need anything."

Before he processes her rambling, she grabs a granola bar and races out the door. He opens the card and out falls out a handful of purple confetti plus an ever-rare two-dollar bill. Smiling, he brushes the confetti up and puts it in his shirt pocket.

Bruce checks his watch. Everyone else is already out, except for Cass. She was out late last night on that Clayface mission, but even she should be up by this time. He fixes her a bowl of cereal with the package instructions and brings it upstairs.

"Cass?" He knocks. "Are you up yet? It's past 9:30."

He hears the duvet crunch like a candy wrapper as she shuffles around. A moment later, the door swings open as a messy-haired Cass yawns.

"I'll leave this up here for you," he says, putting the bowl on the dresser. "Any big plans today?"

She shakes her head. "Write reports. And relax."

"Well, you deserve a break. Great job on the stakeout, Princess." He plants a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Love," she says.

"Huh?"

"Favorite thing you do. Love."

He laughs softly. "I try. Now go get dressed."

The rest of the day goes by like any other. Despite it being Sunday, he still has a meeting scheduled with some Singaporean investors on their timezone. By eleven, he and some other executives are gathered around the long conference table as the video call drones on, and it's not until over an hour later that they're finally let out. Bruce loosens his tie and Tim does the same, sighing in relief and exhaustion.

Bruce asks, "Did you have lunch yet?"

"Oh, I forgot that's a thing," Tim says, stretching. "Hey, remember that ice cream place on 32nd?"

"You want ice cream for lunch?"

"I'd break your no killing rule for their M&M cookie sundae, okay?" he says. "Besides, remember when you took my friends and I there even though we massively bombed our first off-world fight? I might still be a massive perfectionist but that made me get a little more comfortable with failing. Anyway, I thought it'd be cool to stroll down memory lane—and have junk food as a meal without Alfred knowing. Unless you're busy, which I totally get."

"Not at all," Bruce replies, putting an arm around Tim's shoulders. "Duke and Damian will be at the arcade all day and I don't have any urgent side business."

And so, instead of calling Alfred for a ride, they journey through the Gotham subways with Tim's camera capturing the Grammy-worthy saga of a billionaire CEO battling a common turnstyle. They get a few side-glances in the sparse train car, but besides a teenager asking for Tim's autograph, the civilians leave them alone. Pretty soon, they're at a 1950s-themed ice cream parlor, where the waitress slides their orders down the long chromium bar.

"Why do they call it a banana split?" Bruce asks, grabbing the cocoa powder shaker.

Tim pauses mid-bite of his cookie. "...Because they split the banana in half?"

"Really?"

He moves the whipped cream aside to reveal the cut banana in Bruce's dish.

"How would it sound if I said I never noticed that?"

He smirks. "That's why I'm the brains of this operation."

"Indeed you are." Bruce ruffles his hair. "Though this head of yours could use some shampoo."

"Will saying I love you get me a free pass out of it?"

"No." He laughs. "But I love you too, son."

Alfred catches on to their little dessert escapade and picks them up from the parlor, though not without commenting on the strawberry stain on Bruce's jacket. As Tim plugs his music into the car, Bruce takes the time to listen to the voicemails he got during their lunch break.

"Hiya Bruce," Clark's voice plays. "I hope today's going swell for you. I just want you to know that I'm glad I can call you my pard'ner." Bruce snickers at the country twang.

Next is Diana. "Bruce, I apologize if I must keep this brief since I have a curator's convention today. However, I wish to tell you that you are an invaluable teammate and even more remarkable friend."

"Hey Batman, I gave you a shoutout to the Central City press for your help taking down Weather Wizard," Barry says. "Also, thanks for letting me borrow your communicator. I can always count on you to be overprepared. Have a good one!"

"Bats, tell your kid to quit taking my yogurt from the fridge." Ah, good old Hal. "Also, today's all about guys like you, so... yeah. I admit, you could be worse."

Finally, there's one from Zatanna. "Afternoon, Bruce! I'd tell you in person if I wasn't caught up in Kahndaq, but I hope today is extra special for you. I know how much the birds mean to you, and I know they're gonna treat you well."

(There's also one from Ollie, but he's just asking if he can use the communicator after Barry. In the background, Dinah is is clearly ordering food.)

After dropping Tim and Alfred home and switching to a more discreet vehicle, Bruce makes his way to pick two of his other kids up from the arcade.

"Did you guys have fun?" Bruce asks as they climb in.

"We decimated every game," Damian says, "and won you the finest specimen as a trophy."

He plops a five-foot Snorlax into the front seat and buckles the seatbelt.

"This is for me?" Bruce asks.

"Tt, who else would it be for?"

"I didn't win as many tickets," Duke says, "but I also got you a spider ring and a Chinese finger trap." He puts them in the cupholder.

"Why are you giving me all your prizes?"

"Again, who else would we give them to?" Damian asks.

Duke says, "I think what he means is that you do a lot for us, so this is a thanks from us."

As silly as it might seem, Bruce is genuinely touched.

Pre-patrol dinner is a quiet affair, with Kate stopping by because she apparently forgot to go grocery shopping. She takes a fingerling potato off his plate.

"Um, you're welcome?" he says.

"Bruce, we're family. It's what we do." She takes a bite.

He takes a piece of asparagus from her. "I wish all of us were here, though. Too bad Dick and Jason have that Penguin stakeout. Hopefully they're being safe."

"Even if things go wrong, they were taught by the best. You should trust them more." Selina gets up and places a peck on his cheek before going to get a drink.

"I do," he mumbles into his meal. "It's the world I don't trust."

As he puts on his cowl, he asks Barbara for an update on the evening. So far, Duke is handling a carjacking, the girls are preoccupied with a strip mall hostage situation, Damian is patrolling Metropolis with Jon, and Kate is kicking off her shift with a car chase against Two-Face. Tim and Selina are staying back to catch up on some overdue reports, but other than that, the cave is quiet.

"Before you go," Barbara says, "my dad was cleaning out the attic and found something you might like."

From her bag, she pulls out a blue mug that says: World's Okayest Dad.

"My brother got it for him a long time ago, but... you know. It's all yours now, if you want it."

He takes it, running his thumb along the words.

"It suits you," she says before turning back to relay something to Stephanie.

The route laid out for him tonight gives him the perfect opportunity to swing by and check on two of his boys. He lands on the rooftop silently, where Nightwing and Red Hood have already set up camp. Evidently, they don't notice him as they keep going with their conversation.

"Did you get dropped on your head as a baby?" Jason asks. "Sour cream and Greek yogurt are not the same thing."

"They totally are, change my mind." Dick glances through his binoculars. "No sign of Cobblepot yet."

A moment goes by as Jason not-so-covertly steals some of his brother's patrol snacks.

"So how'd family therapy go yesterday?" Jason asks. "Did the old bat finally show an emotion?"

"It was pretty insightful, at least on my part." Dick lowers his binoculars. "I think I realized where Bruce's persistence comes from. It's annoying as hell, but I think that's how he maintains hope. And who knows, maybe it's his love language."

Jason scoffs.

"I'm serious," he says. "I know none of us are stellar at this family thing, but we care about each other. You can't deny that. We just gotta... refine how we express it."

"Count me out."

"Jaybird."

"Codenames, Dickhead."

Dick snickers. "You love us, admit it. All of us."

Jason mutters a string of curses under his breath before saying, "If you tell him, I'm filling your mattress with sour cream."

Bruce smiles and leaps to the next building.

At the end of the night, Bruce finds Alfred brewing tea in the kitchen and takes the kettle from him.

"I got this," he says. "Why don't you go relax in the living room? I think they added your favorite detective movie to Netflix."

"This is a pleasant surprise." Alfred raises an eyebrow. "What brought it on?"

"It's Father's Day, of course," he replies, pouring the cups of tea. "You know you've always been a second dad to me."

"You made that clear with last year's breakfast surprise," Alfred says. "Care to join me?"

"Always," Bruce says. "By the way, do the kids seem different to you today?"

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thebibliosphere · 8 months

Note

What is the gameplay like on Gotham Knights? I have poor coordination so I have trouble with anything more complex than LOZ: Ocarina of Time. Like, on a scale of Pokémon->Dragon Age->LOZ->Dark Souls?

It's a bit clunky like Dragon Age 2, tbh. Except it doesn't have the excuse of coming out in 2011. The mechanics and camera controls are one of the things that let it down a lot, IMO.

I’m constantly getting stuck on walls and the edge of ledges because the controls feel laggy and the game’s not consistent about which surfaces you can climb and which ones you need to grapple. It's fine if you’re fighting in more open spaces but it turns the timed events into an exercise in frustration. Not to mention the number of times it feels like I’ve taken damage through an obstacle from enemy ranged attacks when my own ranged attacks bounce off invisible walls if I’m not standing in the exact spot the game needs me to be in. This results in me just key smashing melee a lot until every around me stops twitching.

I’m still enjoying it, but it is v. glitchy and I understand why people are leaving angry reviews. Especially if they are deeply committed to the immersive elements and were expecting the same level of polish from the Arkham games, which this studio also made.

I’m just casual enough a gamer that I’m enjoying muttering “parkour” to myself as I accidentally fall off buildings and plumet to my death because my graple hook glitched out and went the exact opposite way I’d been aiming.

I’m really just playing it for the characters. It feels like playing a a game written by people who understand the appeal of found family that went hard on the campier elements of the franchise while still maintaining a decent level of aching sadness for the tragedy they’ve endured.

You can feel the group fracturing under the weight of Bruce’s death with Dick doing everything he can to fill the void and stay positive and “normal” for the sake of everyone around him, including Alfred who is devastated but also trying to keep it together. Barbara, mourning an extra loss, is trying so hard to stay level headed and useful for Dick. Being both Oracle and Batgirl while also acting like a fun big sister to Tim who stands out as really young in this iteration.

Sure he’s a kid genius, but he’s also only 16 with a monumental caffeine addiction (you can’t tell me all the energy drinks on the shopping list pinned to the fridge aren’t for him) and mourning the loss of Bruce while also just wanting to do normal teenage shit, like asking the group for help with his art homework and being annoyed that his role as Robin is keeping him from spending time with his online boyfriend.

Jay is very raw and angry and obviously processing his own trauma on top of everything that just happened but even he steps up, trying to be there for Tim, teaming up with Babs to gently pick on Dick when he’s being particularly Boy Wonder-ish. Seeing him stress cook is also a nice added touch as are the photos of him and Bruce working on stuff. Bonding.

Which is another thing I Love. From what we see of him, Bruce is in his absolute DILF element in flashbacks and in recordings. All sad smiles and a gentle, head-shaking tolerance for the absolute ribbing the kids put him through for being too serious and neglecting himself. Not to mention all the pictures of him with Dick and Tim and Jason. And so many of him and Alfred and Ace. (The one on the fridge of him and Alfred showing them adopting Dick at the courthouse almost killed me. They all looked so young and happy.)

I’m getting serious “Bruce is a good dad with a warped sense of humor who hugs his kids and spends quality time with them, actually, and you’re wrong if you write him otherwise” fanon vibes, and that's honestly my favorite Bruce.

It’s basically appealing to everything I love about the franchise while scratching an itch in my brain the way crackfic taken seriously does.

And that’s enough to make me forgive the bad controls and glitches. But I could see it not being enough for some people, especially if you’ve already got poor hand eye coordination. Which I do. But again, I don’t really care about being good at games. I’m just dicking around and having fun wringing dopamine out of the narrative.

#gotham knights game

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nightwolf14292 · 3 months

Text

Some of my Thoughts About Batman: The Animated Series as Someone Who Knows Very Little About Batman Lore (PART 1)

(This is just the first three episodes because it's late and I'm tired and I'd like to go to bed now lol)

•Bangin intro has me very hyped

•Police blimps

•"No one is taking a vigilante force onto my streets." Commissioner Gordon.. Wtf do you think Batman is-? Do you know who Batman is at this point in the series?

•Gotham citizens have a hard time telling the difference between an emo and an actual anthropomorphic bat despite the fact that they look nothing alike

•ALFRED IS HERE AND THAT MAKES ME HAPPY BECAUSE HE'S REALLY COOL •HE'S A SARCASTIC KING AND I LOVE HIM •We have the same sense of humor frfr

•Batman really likes using smoke bombs

•From reading the episode descriptions, and from watching this first episode, it seems like a lot of these villains are just drug addicts- •Drug addicts who really like bats, in this case

•The anthropomorphic bat was a doctor's fursona all along •There's a ridiculous amount of furries in Gotham

•They really like breaking windows. This is only the first episode and like.. Three windows have been broken already

•Christmas tree rockets

•ROBIN SPOTTED •WHICH ROBIN IS THIS •I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF 'EM •Whichever Robin it is has sass, but I think all of them do •"Well ba-humbug to you too 😒" - Robin •THEY'RE WATCHING MOVIES AND EATING DINNER TOGETHER ON CHRISTMAS THIS IS A CUTE FAMILY MOMENT ASJSHAHSJAK •Unfortunately the Joker is here to mess that up tho T-T

•"Looks like I'll have to teach daddy some manners.." Uhhh, Joker..? 💀

•Look at this lovely father & son Christmas bonding, saving people and getting shot at with canons 💕

•I feel like the Joker having turrets shaped like him is really on brand somehow, despite knowing little to nothing about the Joker's said brand

•BETTY BOOP? •BETTY BOOP IS GOING TO MURDER US ALL

•Batman just has a freaking baseball bat 😭🖐 •"They don't call you Bat-man for nothing! 😀" - Robin

•According to the five minutes of research I just did, I think this Robin is Dick Grayson which is, according to the longer then five minutes of research I did last night, the OG (AKA the first) Robin.. So before Bruce's orphan addiction fully formed, I suppose?

•What did Bruce do to you, doctor guy- •This doctor is, like, really passive aggressive ;-; •Also kind of rude of him to just spout nonsense about Bruce's father and Bruce's father's death as if that wasn't an incredibly traumatizing experience for Bruce lmao •BRUCE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT IT BECAUSE SCARECROW IS HERE AND HE HAS A GUN- •The villains in this series are kinda obsessed with guns just as much as they're obsessed with drugs

•So Scarecrow takes the "Scare" part of his name literally and makes people hallucinate their fears? •Damn Bruce, dealing with some trauma right now?? 😭😭 I feel like a lot of characters with parent problems (whether those parents are dead or not) have visions and dreams of their parents being like "you suck lmao" to them

•Commissioner Gordon does, in fact know who Batman is right now, so wtf was he talking about earlier with the whole "no vigilantes" thing -_-

•yeah I'd probably call someone a lunatic if they kidnapped people and performed human experimentation too, scarecrow

•Guys I think Bruce needs to go to therapy (again? Has he already been before?) because he's having- like- a panic attack over this Scarecrow guy and his parents and all that.. •I mean my mans hands are SHAKING and his visions going all blurry •YEAH YOU TELL HIM ALFRED, GIVE HIM THOSE POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS AND FEED HIM SOUP ALL RIGHT

•Bruce literally can not catch a break in this episode he went from having panic attacks because of the fear toxin to just.. Getting beat up by random, also fear gassed people 😔

•They like blimps a lot

•Just broke another window

•Tiny plane that looks like it's made out of cardboard

•They also like explosions a lot

•Why's this Jonathan Crane guy so scared of bats •He also has elf ears lol

•Thomas and Martha Wayne? Bruce's parents names acquired

•(This version of)Bruce looks stupid in sunglasses

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thecruellestmonth · 4 months

Text

quick and dirty guide to Jason Todd in the masterpiece Batman: Battle for the Cowl—canon and fanon

CANON

Jason canonically is a cop-killing asshole garbage manbaby hypocrite who shoots a ten-year-old in the chest.

is a bad person explicitly because his dirty criminal childhood on the streets made him crazy and immoral. He canonically was ruined before Batman ever scraped him out of Crime Alley. (Canon—only a fake fan would argue against it!)

The Lazarus Pit also worsened his mind.

Described as "deranged" and "delusional" and "broken" and "rabid".

Crucifies Tim's Batsuit on a literal wooden cross, but Tim rises from the dead because he's Jesus.

Shoots ten-year-old Damian in the chest, then ridicules Dick for trying to save a "meaningless life".

After being shot, Damian lies on his sickbed just long enough for Dick to brood over his unconscious body.

As soon as Dick leaves, Damian jumps up, tries to swing a wrench at Alfred's head, makes a sexist comment to Squire, and then goes out running around as Robin like nothing happened.

Dick tries to use some unspecified shameful childhood trauma to trigger Jason into accepting Help, but for some mysterious reason Jason refuses—and obviously deranged, delusional, broken people Refuse Help because they're bad people who don't want to change.

-- (Somewhere, John Calvin is moaning in pleasure.) --

Uh thanks for the brief help in the B-plot, Cass—now go away, your thoughts and feelings about all this don't matter.

Apparently Jason can't transform into a man-eating tentacle monster anymore. :(

Overall, the art is pretty swanky.👌

AFTERMATH: Jason commits some dozens more murders.

Dick rightly finds him to be an insufferable asshole, and gains the ability to say so without resorting to ableism.

Damian doesn't care about being shot in the chest and suffers no lasting damage, he is too busy being in fun stories that actually further his character.

Going forward, none of the next writers really try to push long-term "Lazarus Pit madness" for Jason again--except Winick did try to slip it into the prequel, to salvage his baby.

Jason is never shown apologizing for his actions, yet less than a year later apparently decides he wants "redemption".

Bruce happily hands him a full position in Batman Incorporated, with seemingly no special supervision.

While Jason agrees to be subordinate to Batman, he still enjoys being a cocky bastard, and shows no remorse for his past crimes—which are only vaguely alluded to having happened.

CANON(?)

Battle for the Cowl was canon from 2009 to 2011.

It was wiped from existence when the universe reset in the 2011 Flashpoint reboot.

Presently as of the Infinite Frontier "timeline", BftC probably isn't canon until a writer actively writes it back into history, like No Man's Land fairly recently was.

AFTERMATH: It never happened.

FANON

Some scenario loosely inspired by Battle for the Cowl happens because Jason has glowy eyes Lazarus Pit Madness.

What is a female character...?

The conflict is wrapped up in like 200 words.

AFTERMATH: Dick gives Jason a big hug and apologizes for being the worstest brother ever back when Jason was a lonely little angel child.

Jason finds out that he is the most favoritest Robin for tiny 10-year-old Timmy, and he cries tears of remorse for his Lazarus Pit-induced violent frenzy against a nine eight seven-year-old little spleenless baby Tiny Timmy.

More hugging, cuddling, fingers affectionately carding through hair.

Damian doesn't exist for some reason.

If Damian does exist, he's treated like an unwanted booger instead of a human child. He talks like a robot and has no sense of humor.

Jason maybe scolds insensitive meanie Dick for picking evil Damian over Tiny Timmy. Timmy has been suffering fainting spells and consumption, all alone until Jason rescues him.

FANON

Massive overcompensation for other fanon.

CALLOUT post for Jason Todd!

Jason was a good kid. He isn't a bad person at all because of his childhood on the streets. (Fanon.)

The Lazarus Pit had no effect on his mind.

He is 100% sane and willing.

He is a bad person because he's sanely choosing to be an asshole garbage manbaby hypocrite who shoots a ten-year-old in the chest.

Damian isn't sexist to Squire, because she doesn't exist.

Dick destroys Jason with facts and logic and perfectly ethical therapy-speak, and never gets his hands dirty trying to trigger mental illness.

Jason destroys Damian's spine.

Tim and Damian suffer lasting physical and psychological trauma from Jason's torture—being a soldier is now harmful for a delicate developing child, but only on this singular occasion because Jason.

Alfred is the one who stole the Robin mantle from Tim to give it to Damian. 🥺 Dick was forced into a tough situation—he had no choice in how he handled things! It's Alfred, I tell you!

Dick suddenly has a close bond with Cass.

AFTERMATH: The loving idyllic Batfamily hard-blocks radicalized incel full-grown 18-year-old manbaby Jason.

They live happily ever after.

Paradise Lost Satan Jason must suffer his totally self-inflicted isolation, knowing he can never go back to the warm embrace of the very healthy and functional Batfamily, because of his petty, stubborn, definitely made-up unreasonable delusions of being a soldier in an endless warzone.

Hopefully some more cruelty and isolation can make Jason realize he's receiving karmic punishment for being a bad person—somehow this is clearly different from all the cruelty and isolation that happened to him for no reason at all.

--(John Calvin has recovered from his refractory period—he is now moaning more loudly and passionately.)--

"Yes, this is totally what happened! Read a comic, fake fans!" *makes up a fake version of BftC that never happened*

#Jason Todd #Batboys #post Crisis #canon vs fanon #fanon vs canon #Batfam #Batfamily #Battle for the Cowl #Batfam meta #Batman Battle for the Cowl #meta

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bruciemilf · 2 years

Text

Pitching my " Bruce and Harley long lost twins " AU because Margot Robbie and Robert Pattinson look eerily similar and it gave me brainrot-

I feel like Falcone had a hand in separating them, breaking the proud Wayne clan apart ,- what's a daughter missing? Gotham's mean to it's girls, so it'll be just fitting for one to die before they lived.

Maybe it happens when Falcone's still considered a family friend. He offers to drive Martha to the hospital when Thomas can't, and Alfred neither.

As Martha Wayne screams the town down, he has a friendly chat with the staff.

Martha KNOWS she had twins; she just knows. But when she asks, everyone's so puzzled. " Mrs. Wayne, you had a boy; Just... One boy."

" That can't be right," she sniffs, even if she's holding Bruce so tightly to her, a hollow void eats her where her daughter should be. " I had a girl. I know I did. Thomas- Tommy picked that silly name for her, after his pet rabbit. I know it!"

Martha Wayne wasn't thrown in Arkham because she was dangerous; She was locked up because she was a grieving woman, and Thomas Wayne can make that go away, but he can't get his daughter back. She did exist. She was someone.

They have Bruce, until they don't.

CONSIDER THIS; Harley and Riddler in the same orphanage. Him spitting on Bruce even after his parents were murdered, and Harley feeling a sense of wanting to protect Bruce from it??

She doesn't know why. Her fists itch and twitch to punch long and wiry Eddie Nygma in the teeth for saying Bruce deserves it.

Because yes, he's a rich kid. A rich kid with dead parents rotting in the ground.

" So? You're so fucking stupid, Harley. He has MONEY now! He'll be FINE. Meanwhile, US gutter spawns here-"

Harley remembers Eddie holding down Jenny Jameson. Four years old, playful and clueless in a way Gotham murders young.

She remembers her screaming while Eddie shoved rusty nails in her mouth for taking his apple.

He doesn't care about anyone but his goddam self. He couldn't understand Bruce Wayne. Or her.

She never had any family, but doesn't that suck more? To have something love you that only death could make it stop? She sees Bruce Wayne's grief striken ashy face in that square TV.

She grieves, too. She doesn't know why. She just does.

God I love Bruce and Harley being roomates; Meeting as adults, - or as close to adulthood as they'll ever be able to touch.

Bruce doesn't understand why she hangs out with Eddie and Jack. Jack just rubs him the wrong way and Eddie looks at him, hateful edge sharp and cutting and Bruce doesn't mind that;

But he does mind Harley being around them. Especially Jack. " Ah, ya just don't know howtta have fun, Brucie. This is COLLEGE. Be there or be square. Cause he doesn't invite just anyone, ya know?"

" He smells like... Smoke. And bleach," he scrunches his nose. " And he's...Mean."

" That's just how he jokes around! He's a funny guy if you have a sense of humor."

and he HEARD Jack make fun of the scars on Harley's back; He's seen them, because Harley's world doesn't have the word " shame" in it and changes around him frequently.

He did freeze, the first time he saw them. Pale and scarred. Close to unintelligible depending on the lighting. But he does see them. It'd be a kindness for him if he wouldn't.

Dragged. With a sharp object, mkst accurately a piece of glass or razor blade. Thin, but deep. Letters stretched from one shoulder blade to another.

Wayne

Propriety

To which Eddie laughed with, because he and the kids at the orphanage were the authors. They figured if Harley wanted to defend that family so badly, she'll have a sign that fits.

But she didn't need to know that. Bruce does. Bruce knows everything about anyone, seems like.

" No, I mean, - mean to YOU. He makes dumb blonde jokes even if you're at the top of their class. "

" Yeah, well, " Harley shrugs, painting her eyelids with green and purple; She doesn't like either, but Jack told her she'd be prettier if she changed her make up. " Told him I didn't like it, so he's gonna stop...Eventually. he's nice to me sometimes."

" He should be nice to you ALL the time. Just... Don't go. I'll watch that horrible Grey Ghost reboot if you stay with me."

Harley is weak for his puppy eyes; She really is. " Please, Harl. Don't go."

"... Fine," she groans. " I'll be a loser. Just for my favourite roomie."

" I'm the only person who responded to your ad."

" Wanna know why? We're probably meant to be in eachother's lives."

" I don't think Gotham is kind enough to give me a friend like you."

Harley actually tears up and CRUSHES Bruce in a hug, nevermind Jack's stupid " never touch Wayne" rule. " BRUCE. We're gonna be BFFS forever. I'll make you a teeth necklace."

" I think the bracelet's enough."

" You'll be maid of honor at my wedding."

" That's not what it's called."

" You'll be my kid's weird uncle that says phones ruin families and not decades of fermented generational trauma."

"...Sure."

Sure. Bruce can be anything, if he's with her, and she's with him.

#LONG BOI #bruce wayne #harley quinn #batman #twins au #dc #dc comics #batfamily #batfam #battinson #the batman #writing #writing prompt #text post #my writing #fluff #soft bruce wayne

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goth-pod · 4 months

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Goth-Pod Ep 10: Finale

Welcome to Goth-Pod's last episode of season one! Juda Boone is joined today by a very special guest! (ITS DICK GRAYSON-WAYNE. WE GOT DICK GRAYSON)

Thank you for joining us for our first season. Until next time, stay safe, Gotham.

[goth-pod is a fictional, in-universe podcast based on the DC comics universe. Juda Boone is an original fictional character, not based on any real person or known comic book character.]

Special thanks to my friend for voicing Dick! @anythingeverythingallofthetime

Transcript under the cut

Juda: Hello everyone and welcome back! This is Goth-Pod, your Gotham based podcast. I am your favorite host, Juda Boone. And I am not alone today! Care to say hi?

Dick: Hello listeners!

Juda: Today’s episode is the last before our hiatus. So of course, we are doing what any competent media does when they want to be successful: Completely change up the formula at the very last minute.

Dick: And that's where I come in!

Juda: Yes, you are our very special guest star / co-host / interviewee for our finale.

Dick: And I am happy to be here. I totally binge-listened to all your episodes after you reached out to me. It was too good to pass up! I don’t think I’ve ever been on a podcast before? I like it, I get to wear big headphones and talk.

Juda: Why don’t you start out by just introducing yourself, for our non-local listeners.

Dick: Sure thing! I am Dick Grayson-Wayne, I am an Aries, I think. And I am single. If you happen to know someone.

Juda: [laughing] Okay, very helpful. And since we are an audio-based medium, it is my duty as a host to explain that Mr. Grayson just gave me a very tasteful wink.

Dick: We’re friends here, Juda. You can call me Dick.

Juda: With all the respect in the world I will not be calling you that. Juda: Mr. Grayson, we actually have something of an important topic to discuss today. As you are now a Bludhaven resident, you have some insight on their vigilante, Nightwing. I was hoping you could tell the Gotham listeners a bit about the up-and-coming hero.

Dick: To be fair, I don’t know any more than the next guy. I’ve seen him around town, of course, especially on patrol. But I’ve never had the chance to actually talk to him. Guess that means I’m staying on the right side of trouble.

Juda: From what you have seen, what are some differences between Gotham's Bat and Bludhaven’s Nightwing?

Dick: The fashion sense, for sure! Dick: He actually seems like a person rather than a- what was it you called Batman? In Episode 1, I thought it was great! Like a- an Earthbound spirit, right? And from what I hear the guy has a good sense of humor, unlike Batman. Probably a winning smile to go along with it.

Juda: hah! Mr. Grayson, we are not a gossip podcast, but to me it almost sounds like you have a crush.

Dick: woah, woah, hey now Juda, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I mean, give me a chance to get rescued by the guy. We’ll see if sparks fly then.

Juda: And if that happens, will you be back on the show?

Dick: You will be the first person I call, I can promise you that. Dick: Juda if we are to be friends, I’m going to have to come clean on something.

Juda: Oh no.

Dick: It’s nothing bad! I just may have started us off on a lie, and I apologize for that.

Juda: I repeat: Oh no.

Dick: I said that I only listened to Goth-Pod after you reached out to me. In truth, I heard every episode at their release. [whispering] I’m the one who showed Bruce your Bruce Wayne episode.

Juda: Mr. Grayson, you didn’t.

Dick: AND your Bruceman Episode.

Juda: Dick.

Dick: [laughing] Hey, that's my name!

Juda: To save myself from the mortification of that reality, I’m going to say that this is all the time we have today. Thank you so much for joining us, everyone. This time and everytime. A special thank you to my co-host, Dick Grayson-Wayne. I am Juda, this is Goth-Pod. Anything you’d like to say, Mr. Grayson?

Dick: Uuhh. Be gay, don’t do crime. And Stay Safe, Gotham!

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murfpersonalblog · 12 days

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IWTV S2 Ep3 - Random Musings (Spoilers)

This was the best S2 ep by far; they're just getting better & better. I have so much to say; I can't even keep up. This is just the random stuff I don't have AS MUCH to comment on (yet).

AMC, we GOTTA get some flashbacks of Papa DPDL. We know so much about Les' folks, but nothing about Lou's pops. :(

Not "Real Rashid" going bar for bar vs Sartre abt morality & evil!? 👏

"Wolf Wrangler," I hate this effing show so much, please stop it.

SANTIAGO BACKSTORY LFG; we're finally being fed!

Ohhhhh.... Francis "Santiago" Naughton, I see~! They're definitely leaning into the Sant-"iago" of it all from Othello--nice touch!

1921--Santiago's a BABY vampire. (And omg he loved Annika's "performance" so much that he incorporated it into his regular lineup! Sickos! XD) I saw the Siophmedia review call it the Mimic Gift, which I love--expanding the AR lore.

Thoughts & prayers to this dude, being stuck for all eternity as an old man; relegated to backstage work with the noob stuck for all eternity as a little girl. (Hilarious how this is in blatant violation/disregard of Marius & Rhosh's Great Law #2 about beauty.)

Vampires sneeze?! 😂 Estelle is the ONLY Theatre vamp I like, bless!

ROTFLMFAO. Humor on this show comes from the WILDEST of places; I love it.

Someone's saaaaaaltyyyyyy~! 👀👀👀👀

Welp, now we know where Louis'll spend "ETERNITY IN A BOX," when they drag him in that burlap sack.

Louis' a strong independent man don't need no coven! 😤👏 Especially not you WEIRDOS. Monsieur LDPDL would NEVER allow anyone to make him act like a clownish BUFFOON on some stage, or write/film creepshows everyone points and laughs at, are you crazy?

Louis said SKILL ISSUE. 💀

Don't act coy now! XD You go and OWN your bussypowers, Louis of Troy! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I am STUNNED this trash liar won a Pulitzer for investigative journalism. Truly a dying industry.

Armand, my love, you have no idea. 👀

Deflection & misdirection, as usual with these vamps.

SHADE.

Roget the "FIRST" eh?... 🧛🏼 This completely removes Nicki as the founder of the Theatre, but I guess it makes sense that Armand would be the one communicating with Roget, cuz lord knows Nicki wasn't "fit to pick an apple off a tree in his current state...." 👀👐 Louis, Armand's fed you a crock of lies; don't be fooled by his pretty doe eyes! You were SET UP, my guy; he was SICK of that coven for hundreds of years; WAY b4 Lestat AND YOU showed up!

Then he hangs Lestat's portrait on the wall as a shrine and says he's their co-founder, while breathing not a word about how Lestat gave the Theatre TO NICKI, NOT ARMAND. Where's Nicki at, Armand!? 👀👐 Where's Claudia at, Armand!? 👀☀️ Why do all of Lestat's fledglings go missing under YOUR supervision, Mr. I Could Not Prevent It? I swear, those 🥺👉👈 eyes are lethal weapons!

STUNT QUEEN. Behind every gay man is a gayer, more evil man!

And he took that PERSONALLY.

Siri, google when butt-plugs were first invented.

Armand's FACE! 😭 Yeah, Lou don't make a lick of sense sometimes. Thank god he's pretty! But for every ounce of pretty there's another TONNE of mental trauma. If I were Armand, I'd've cut my losses and left Lou's arse to "Bruce" right then & there. Now look at you!

Incredible episode. 👏

Preview for Ep4:

I hate it here. 😱

I'm sorry, but I simply CANNOT with Loumand, knowing what's coming. I never have, and at this rate I NEVER WILL! Armand, I don't care what weird dynamics you & Lou are always up to, but by putting your hands on MY daughter!? DISHONOR!

Armand, Louis is right: you just earned yourself a spot on my hit list.

I'll rant about Loumand specifically in a separate post--this ep was A LOT, omg I'm exhausted.

#interview with the vampire #iwtv season 2 spoilers #iwtv tvc metas #must see tv #the hype is real

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002yb · 8 months

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Your ask about superman eating dicks lunchbox for Jason? Supreme. So i was wondering how does Clark fit in the jaydick shenanigans? Bruce is the worried father but Clark? Is he the chaperon? Is he the one who helps them sneak out from bruces radar? Is he just looking so happy forbthe boys?

Supportive!Clark!! ( ´ ▽ ` )♡

Private as Dick is about his love life, Clark notices how Dick's gaze follows Jason around a room, how it lingers. Dick's entire disposition seems to brighten at the sight of the Red Hood and, aliases be damned, it's always, 'little wing!' accompanied by matching stutter skipped heartbeats and it's cute.

Clark has seen all varieties of smiles from Dick over the years, but seeing how Dick smiles at Jason, with Jason, it's so darn sweet.

It reminds Clark of all his fondness and affection for whichever life partner he has in this AU. It's so adoring, loving and it makes Clark's heart swell with warmth and tenderness.

It inspires Clark to call or text his partner because the sight makes Clark think of them and he can't not because, 'remember when we were younger and--' ahhhh just Clark being an old man reminiscing his own love and everything its become and being happy for Dick to have that, too. ;U;

Clark having full confidence that this is it. He knows that look in these boys' eyes and there's more than banter and flirtation and a timid, tentative smittenness. There's a spark and it's electric; there's unspoken commitment and a slowly built and earned trust and it's beautiful.

He wonders if Batman has figured it out yet. When Clark comes to realize Bruce hasn't got a clue, Clark is endlessly humored because Bruce really is missing something right under his nose. It's so blatantly obvious, too. Clark can tease him for this later though. It'll be great.

Clark not being able to bite back a smile of his own when he catches the two boys fooling around (in a sfw sense), all playful flirtation and ornery menace.

Clark is fond of all the Robins, but he might feel a bit more endeared to Jason after seeing how Jason manages to bring a forgotten sense of wonder out of Dick. The sort that's raw and young and wild.

It's something Clark hasn't seen in too long, grown as Dick is. Clark thinks he missed it though. He thinks maybe Dick did, too.

Something something Dick going to Clark for relationship advice.

Something something Clark being overwhelmed with fondness because always cool and collected Dick gets tongue-tied while talking about Jason and it's really sweet. ;3;

So basically, Clark is happy and supportive of these two boys. He's quiet about it; he doesn't get involved unless approached because their lives aren't his to mettle in, but privately? He's glad. Clark feels that they're both compatible in how they can support one another, but also challenge and check each other as needed, too. They'll grow together, undoubtedly. They'll protect each other, too.

Also, from Jason's side:

Clark asking Jason how everything with Dick is going. Out of politeness. Or maybe just commenting on how happy Jason makes Dick or how happy Jason looks.

And Jason combusts with a blush, flustering like none other and Clark can hear it - how Jason's heart skips a beat and how it races and oh, dear. This boy has it so bad; it's cute.

Happy as Clark is in his own relationship, he sees Jason's appeal in spades in that moment. Jason is quiet darling. //u///

#dickjay #jaydick #featuring uncle clark

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