#sometimes going over it and having an outside perspective can help you see that your behavior is harmful
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So uh, look. I’m not a huge fan of Neil Gaiman as a person, mostly due to some things he’s said, done, or not done in the past (still enjoyed plenty of his books and a big fan of Good Omens with Terry.) but some of the shit people online are saying to him are mildly-to-extremely inappropriate and you need to reset some boundaries on yourselves. Take this from someone who was mildly popular in a fandom for a while there. It can be genuinely scary to receive threatening messages out of the blue from a complete fucking stranger. Especially when you have no point of reference about what they’re threatening you about, if it’s even a joke, etc.
Just because he’s made himself accessible to fans does not mean you can treat him like your Tumblr bestie with violent, threatening inside jokes. He’s not your buddy. You can’t lol your way out of sending threatening messages to a stranger. This is literally the reason your past faves stopped interacting with fans online. (Trust me, I was in the Marvel fandom when Loki/Tom arrived.) This will end as it usually does, with him being forced to leave online spaces and become inaccessible again. And then y’all will bitch and whine that he thinks he’s ‘too good’ for you or whatever and the cycle starts all over again with someone else famous.
Please. Please just learn to fucking behave. Be a weird (affectionate) and violent gremlin in your personal blog spaces or discord or wtfever. Don’t send it to a public figure just trying to have a good time in the fandom. Ok? Can we try to be better this time?
#fandom#social cues#niel gaiman#behavioral stuff#also like if you genuinely struggle with this#and can’t seem to stop#it’s ok to get some help with it#therapy or even just discuss it with someone close to you#sometimes going over it and having an outside perspective can help you see that your behavior is harmful#anyway#be better#do better#trust me it will make your experiences better#fandom will still be fun and weird and silly#and you’ll still be able to message your favorite author#you know?#don’t ruin that for yourself and others#and no I will not be taking questions about why I dislike him#any time I get into it people argue that he’s a perfect cinnamon bun or whatever#even in the face of facts and screen shots and shit so#no#not a fan but treat him like a fucking real living person#k thanks
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Controversial opinion among Dune book fans maybe, but I loved the changes they made to Chani's character. Making her a fedaykin who is already an experienced fighter before Paul arrives was a brilliant choice. Dune Part Two is a war movie, and this puts her at the center of the action, side by side with Paul, and gives her a much more active role than she has in the book.
We got a hint of where things were going in the beginning of Dune Part One. The first thing we ever know about movie Chani is that she's a fighter. She serves as a voice for the Fremen, telling us the story of their struggle from her point of view. I wrote here about the difference this change makes compared to other adaptations of Dune, what a perspective shift it is to have the world of Arrakis introduced not by an outsider, describing it as a dangerous but valuable colonial prize, but by one of its native inhabitants, who tells us before all else that it's beautiful, her home that she's fighting to liberate. I am so, so glad that the second movie followed up on this characterization.
I never found Chani and Paul's love story in the book particularly convincing, because why would this woman, who already has a prominent and respected place in Fremen society, even give the time of day to her deposed would-be colonizer, let alone fall in love and have children with him? Without a compelling reason for Chani to love Paul, she ends up feeling like a prize to be won, and "indigenous culture personified as a woman to be wooed (or conquered) by the colonizing man" is a trope we've seen and don't need to repeat.
But as soon as you tell me it's a barricade romance I get it. Cool cool cool, I know exactly what this relationship is now and it makes sense. Movie Chani doesn't respect or even particularly like Paul when she first meets him, and she doesn't think he's the fulfillment of any prophecy. She comes to respect him, and eventually love him, through his actions. He's brave--sometimes recklessly so. He fights well. He's willing to stick his neck out on the front lines with the other Fremen fighters. He can (after a little help) hack surviving in the harsh desert environment. He's not too proud to learn from others. He seems to genuinely want to be her equal in a common political struggle. All these qualities make sense as things she values.
Fighting side by side as equals is just about the only way I can see movie Chani falling for Paul. And it fits perfectly with the film's pattern of reversals that Paul's capacity for violence would initially be one of the things Chani likes about him, only for her to be repelled later when she sees what he becomes.
And as for Paul, well, he's had people deferring to him his entire life. Someone who doesn't take any shit from him is probably refreshing. He seems to like people (Duncan, Gurney) who challenge him and engage in a little friendly teasing--and aren't afraid to go a few rounds in the sparring ring.
It's easy to speedrun a romance when you're spending all your time together in mortal danger fighting for a shared political cause. Especially if you then start winning in a war your people have been fighting for decades. Are you kidding me? That is the perfect environment for intense battle camaraderie to turn into romantic love, and lust.
It makes sense that this version of Chani never believes Paul is any kind of messiah. Of course a character like movie Chani wouldn't believe in or trust some outside savior to liberate them. She's been working to liberate her own people for years. The more Paul invokes the messianic myth, the more he starts sounding once again like someone who plans to rule over them, and the more uncomfortable Chani becomes. In this way she becomes a foil to Jessica, the two of them representing the choices Paul is pulled between. It's a great way of externalizing the political and philosophical debates that often happen within characters' heads in the book.
And of course this version of Chani would leave Paul at the end of the film. It's not just the personal, emotional betrayal--although that stings. What common cause does she have with someone who just declared himself emperor and is sending her own people off in a war of conquest against others? Given the important role she plays in Dune Messiah, I am super curious to see how they get her back into the story, but girl was so valid for being willing to just gtfo. Given that she has the last shot of the whole movie, I'm sure she'll be back somehow, and I can't wait to see what they do with her character in any future installments.
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hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.
as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)
but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:
changing expectations
the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!
my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.
when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.
so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?
with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.
with that in mind:
#1: work slower
when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.
instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.
i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!
now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.
doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.
however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:
#2: switch projects
sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.
this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.
the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.
what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.
but it doesn't have to stop there.
#3: switch focus
maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?
let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:
what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today.
okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now.
alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily?
what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?
and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?
what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for?
what if i try sampling something obscure?
what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?
any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.
or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.
but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:
#4: learn something new
when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.
for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴☠️)
it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)
that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:
music theory and composition
music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang
mixing and production
dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix
general inspiration
nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!
(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)
of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:
#5: consume art you love
not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.
but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.
and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.
what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.
as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.
none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.
and finally,
#6: rest, and live your life
let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?
take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).
it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.
i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.
when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)
before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:
be kind to yourself.
being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.
i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.
i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.
thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.
with care,
bee 🐦
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Problems (objective and personal) I'm not seeing discussed a lot w this new WatcherTV thing, in no particular order:
-Alienates people internationally who literally CANNOT GET the streaming service!
-Alienates casual fans who don't watch or want to watch all of their shows. Putting down 60 bucks a year to watch just one or two shows is kind of insane, at least for me.
-The volume of content Watcher has produced historically hasn't been enough to justify a separate streamer. I understand there's no way a small team could compete with something like Netflix, obviously, but that's what you're trying to do by putting yourself in the streamer market.
-Will this streamer be secure? What steps are in place to protect your viewers info? ESPECIALLY payment info.
-Will it be easily watchable on multiple devices? I watch YouTube videos on my phone at work 90% of the time, or at home on my TV thru my switch. Is this a browser only deal?
-What are the internet requirements for this? Believe it or not most streaming services won't run on my internet personally. I don't have any for that reason. I can watch YouTube on 360p, or on my 2-bar-reception phone data. Not everywhere has stable reliable internet.
-The suddenness and totality of the move was going to be jarring no matter what, if the idea had been introduced gradually or started as a hybrid model to test audience interest there wouldn't be nearly this amount of pushback.
-I understand the people saying "pay artists!!" Bc I am one, and I get that their quality is expensive and they have a whole company's worth of people to support. I do actually think their work is worth paying for! Everyone's is! But convincing anyone to pay for something they previously got for free is going to be a hard sell. They were still getting paid before, they're now just asking us to pay instead of the advertisers. Idk about you, but that's a way bigger hit to my pocketbook than a multimillion dollar company's bank account.
-I get that YouTube can be a really shitty place to be a creator sometimes, and that being beholden to advertisers is something they don't want to be. It's why they left Buzzfeed! They already have a patreon and merch and it's clearly not been enough for their ambitions. But shooting yourself in the foot because your running shoes are wearing out isn't going to make you a better marathon runner. They had to know that there was going to be a not small portion of their audience unwilling to make this move with them (and again, lots literally aren't able to!)
-If they had a free w/ ads option, or even did a hybrid model with whole shows behind the pay wall, or even just ran a fucking crowd funding campaign to help cover costs of new seasons of shows, any of those things could have worked. They don't even have YouTube memberships turned on, which I've personally seen many many channels do even when they already have a patreon. It really doesn't seem like they've exhausted other options, at least from an outside perspective, which is all we have as viewers!
-I get that this has been in the works for a long time, and that there probably isn't a way for them to back out now. But I hope they can find a way to make this more accessible if they want it to work at all. I truly am not wishing for their downfall, but the whole situation is an awful mess.
Idk, rant over. As a lot of you are I'm feeling very disappointed and upset with this one, and I'm not paying for it either. Hope the boys can salvage this one for their and their crew's sake. Would really hate for this to be the end.
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Where op characters like to kiss you :)
I'm not sure I like this one so much but I've been a little busier this week so I hope it's enjoyable anyways.
Established relationship, suggestive in some parts(Law, Kid) so mdni.
Might have some very minor spoilers if you aren't past the timeskip, in Robin's part and it's a brief mention of someone the strawhats team up with. There's also a slight reference to some details about Killer but no specifics.
Luffy
Your entire face! Especially while you're smiling, he just cant help the giddiness that bubbles up inside him when he sees you smiling or laughing...so he has to let it out by giving you lots of little kisses on your face ://). His arms stretch out to wrap around you, bundling you two together while he grins and starts his onslaught, once he's got you there's no escape.
Also when he kisses you on the mouth he always cups your entire face with his hands and pulls you into him, pressing his lips to yours in-between soft giggles.
Zoro
Forehead/temple. It's easy, it's quick, he just swoops in with a little mwah and then he's gone before you can even register it. Especially loves to do it before a fight because he thinks it's good luck. It really can throw him off if he hasnt kissed you at least once that day so usually he tries to get one in every morning when you wake up. Absolutely melts if you kiss him on the forehead back.
Once he gets used to you kissing him then he's constantly asking, but instead of asking normally he just stares at you for a long while before leaning towards you and tapping his forehead very pointedly.
Sanji
Cheek. (Not that kind of cheek...although-)
Anyways he thinks it's a very sweet place to kiss, and he likes it because it can be both chaste and teasing. For example if it's just a quick soft kiss then it'll be closer to the apple of your cheeks, but if he wants to tease you he'll kiss directly next to corner of your mouth or right by your jaw.
Sometimes purposefully teases you in front of others because he knows it looks innocent from an outside perspective so you can't tell him off for flustering you. Though it's easy to turn the tables, just wear a little bit of shiny lipgloss and he won't be able to concentrate at all, this is when you give him a nice chaste cheek kiss of your own and go on your way. He stands still for so long his cigarette ends up burning out.
Usopp
Your hands. It's subtle but intimate enough that he feels comfortable doing it in public. Usually you link pinkies while walking around or sitting together so whenever he has to let go, for whatever reason, he'll swing your joined hands up to kiss your knuckles. The way he does it is so different from how he reacts to affection normally that it makes your knees go wobbly, it's probably about the only thing he does with full casual confidence.
Eventually he notices the effect this has on you and it actually really helps him develop confidence in other areas too. And if you do it back he gives you this lovely warm smile and he's just so so pretty.
Nami
Shoulders. I'm not sure why but i can just imagine her dropping a delicate kiss to your shoulder as she walks past on deck, or her rolling over in the morning and just giving you lots of light little kisses on your decolletage. Especially loves it if she's taller than you, even if only by a few inches. She also loves standing with her arms tossed over your shoulders, torsos as close as possible while she leans on you.
She really loves to kiss you here in public too, she feels like it's not too exposing but definitely can't be mistaken as platonic, she'll have you sat on her lap in a bar or something and after every sip of her drink she just leaves a gentle but sticky kiss.
Robin
Your lips. She's a woman that knows what she wants alright, and she is highkey obsessed with your lips. She thinks they look so soft and inviting and she's constantly fighting off the impulse to kiss you whenever you converse. It was a pretty serious problem for her before you got together. She just thinks they're so pretty and your beautiful voice and smile come from there too.
She also always kisses you at inappropriate times. After the alliance with Law began, she once kissed you while he was explaining a plan and the glare he levelled you both with was unreal.
Law
...stomach. He's obsessed with the shape of your body in general but there's just something about your stomach that makes him want to bite you(lovingly). If you wear a crop top and/or low rise jeans he practically explodes, he just can't help it. Fully spends hours sucking love bites into the skin there. Loves making you stand in front of him while hes sat, hands tight on your hips, leaving a trailer of wet kisses as he gets lower. He only makes you stand because he likes to see your knees tremble.
Now he's very reserved but he will kiss you in public if he can 1. do it stealthily and 2. inconvenience you in someway like making you too flustered to talk.
Kid
BASTARD! Neck. He has no shame and his kisses are always very intense so he will absolutely give you a hickie while you're talking to someone. You've learned to ignore him but you've also learned that makes him worse. The correct route is to give him a hickey in return, his neck is very sensitive so he folds so quickly. Though he will take revenge later so keep that in mind.
Absolutely hates it when he wants to kiss you but can't, like if you're out of his reach or asleep. Will sulk until he gets the chance to kiss you again and then he's all over you, doesn't let you leave his arms until all your exposed skin is covered in his signature lipstick.
You two would so do that one tiktok trend yk the one-
Killer
Now there's minor logistics problems here so I'm going to talk about it in two ways.
At the beginning of your relationship, he absolutely adores it when you kiss his mask. Thinks the sentiment is so cute and the first time it happened he blushed so hard that you could practically see steam coming out of the gaps in his mask.
If you've been together for a really long time and he's comfortable enough to take his mask off then he loves just kissing you anywhere he can reach. He's just obsessed with being able to actually touch you when you're alone. Though the incidents in wano would set him back quite a lot in terms of insecurity, he still finds comfort in hiding away with you in his room, exchanging soft words and softer kisses.
#one piece x reader#x reader#luffy x reader#nami x reader#nico robin x reader#sanji x reader#zoro x reader#ussop x reader#trafalgar law x reader#law x reader#eustass kid x reader#killer x reader#one piece fluff#gn reader#one piece x gn reader#usopp x reader#one piece fics
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Some Things I Did Not Realize Until Later In Life
When it is sunny and miserably hot (>65F) outside and someone tells you to "enjoy the beautiful weather," they're not being ironic and genuinely think it is pleasant weather.
The default amount of pain most people are in is literally 0, not figuratively.
Most people feel a compulsory urge to breed with their preferred variety of people. Sex isn't supposed to be some kind of trial you endure to prove you love someone, and it's ok if you don't want any.
Polyamory doesn't have to be [people A-N in a relationship with each other at the same time] it can be (and is much more logistically feasible as [person A in a relationship with every person B-N individually]
If you think something is wrong with your body, follow that hunch as far as it will go. Your body doesn't just hand out warning signs for fun, those serve a purpose. Sometimes your body spamming you with warning signs for no reason is the problem in and of itself, and you should see a neurologist.
The golden rule is usually pretty good, but it can get you in hot water if you're autistic and trying to help someone. (I don't have a fix for this, just try to make sure people know your intentions before you speak to them.)
You don't need a "type"
You don't need a label.
You deserve accommodations for any disability you have, even if "it's minor" and you can live without them.
People tend to want to help each other out. Often you do not need to make it worth someone's time to ask for help, and they would prefer spending time to help you over spending time watching you flounder around without help.
It's ok to stop talking to people you don't vibe with, just be nice about it.
If you know someone who has a condition triggered by someone doing something they can't control such as Misophonia (when certain sounds send them into a panicky rage) triggered by a family member's eating noises: Neither of them are at fault, and it's ok to for either to ask the other to leave.
Equality is great in an ideal world but we live in a horrible bastard world where equity (certain marginalized groups receiving the aid they need before and in larger volume than advantaged groups) makes more sense.
Capitalism will always be at odds with general prosperity.
People give each other gifts because they like them. You should not feel obligated to give someone a thank you gift or feel guilty or indebted in any way. They would not like that.
Visualizing things from other people's perspective if you have low or no empathy is made easier by picturing it's you in their situation. A reminder that the world is complex and all those other people living in it are like you sort of.
Sorry this turned more into life advice! Hope it helps at all!
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the art of trying | jjk (m)
>>pairing: jungkook x reader / dilf!jk x grocery store clerk!oc
>>genre: friends with benefits, smut, angst
>>word count: 29.3k 😁
>>warnings: dom jk, sub oc, age gap, oc club era 🪩🥂, oc heart to heart with…, enter mr park seojoon !!, budding friendships 🥰, mending of relationships, enter dilf !!, reconciliation finally, but still we yearn, and jk is still a little stewpid, however!! he is doing his best!!, mostly oc pov i think, warning for a little bit of sad bc she is sad !!, but not too sad 😼, enter jock !!, dilf jk stuff: asking for permission, saying thank u, etc., fore play in the form of a lil dry humping 🫶🏻, finishes (multiple),, oral (m & f), dirty talk, lovesick gross smitteness 👎🏻, jreampie 👍🏻, and finally, enter nari !! (🧋)
>>notes: finally am i right 🤣
this is part of my dilf jk series that can be found on my masterlist
>>summary: you’re trying to forget jungkook, but he’s trying to make sure you remember why you shouldn’t.
It’s the middle of January and I haven’t learned to be okay without you, yet. The wind outside is harsh and cold. It hurts my feelings sometimes.
It reminds me of you, sometimes, too.
I still miss you.
“Girl, what does that even mean?”
Your laptop gets slammed shut, and you whip your head around to see Binna. Your very best friend that has been caught red-handed, reading over your shoulder.
“Do you mind?” you say with narrowed eyes.
“I do actually,” she says, walking around the couch and plopping next to you.
You roll your eyes and rephrase with something she’s hopefully less likely to have an answer to. “Can I help you?”
Binna looks stumped for approximately .4 seconds –not nearly long enough to be satisfying– and then she’s saying, “No, but you can help yourself. Please go to therapy. I am begging you and also I will pay for it.”
“Die.”
“C’mon, you’ve been sad for like almost 2 months,” she groans, “and it’s like… tangible, ___. I walk into the house and I can feel it. It just permeates the air and– look, it even killed the plant.”
Binna’s pointed finger guides your gaze to the small succulent on the windowsill and it’s a bit pathetic how your eyes start to tear up because it is in fact, the tiny succulent Jeongguk gave you so many months ago. You had done a good job of taking care of it for a while, his occasional texts reminding you to water it had been helpful. But lately you haven’t even really been taking care of yourself, and the little plant has, unfortunately, become collateral damage.
You also don’t get those texts anymore.
With big watery eyes and a fat bottom lip, you turn back to her and she sighs. Grabs the remote and pauses whatever is playing on the tv. This makes Jade squawk, something about her watching it and it being the best part but Binna is having none of it.
“No, this is actually dire. She’s crying over the plant, Jade. We have to intervene, it’s time.”
Jade pouts for a moment, looking between the tv and you as if she can’t decide which is more pressing. When she crawls from her place where she was laying on the floor to your feet, it seems her decision is made. She rests her chin on your knee.
“Still sad over the dilf?” she asks.
You nod pitifully.
“She was openly writing melancholy about him… it's a public cry for help,” Binna adds.
With a nod of understanding, Jade says, “Writing can be a good way to get your thoughts together and work through them.”
Choosing not to tell them that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to work through all the thoughts because there are just too many and it hurts too bad, you stay quiet.
It’s not an awkward silence that takes over the living room, but you can tell that Binna and Jade are trying to think of something to say. Jade ends up being the one to interrupt the quiet.
“Has he reached out to you at all?”
The unanswered text on your phone started as a temptation, but it’s ended as a little memo that helps put things into perspective.
Did you get home okay?
Jeongguk made his decision and he only sent you that text because he let you leave.
He sent you that text after he made it so incredibly clear that he wasn’t going to let you stay in his life.
Despite you telling him you’d think about things, let him know what you decided in regards to you and him– he really didn’t leave much room for you to do that. He’s hard-headed and he’s extreme and when he makes his mind up about something… it’s not likely anyone will be able to change it. Especially if it has to do with Nari.
And it’s not like you don’t get it. You do, to some extent at least.
Nari is his baby and Nari is his priority. Just like she should be. That’s self-explanatory and easy to understand. If Jeongguk felt you being in his life somehow messed with his priorities and decided it wasn’t going to work out between you two after giving it some thought– it wouldn’t have been easy, but you would have accepted it nonetheless.
But part of you believes he didn’t give it much thought at all because one moment he was washing you, taking care of you, kissing you. Making you feel like you were his and he was yours and like he cared. Like he was always going to be there; like he was endless.
Then the next he was telling you it was all basically a mistake to him. That he didn’t know if he had the room or the time for you anymore. Like you were an amenity with a timeframe. Something that was worthwhile, until it wasn’t anymore. Something nice that was momentarily useful, something that perhaps made his life better, easier in a way… but something that ultimately wasn’t necessary.
The turnaround was too abrupt and too abrasive and too rash for you to accept that it wasn’t impulsive. That he truly thought it through. You think that’s what’s hindering you from moving on.
A part of you almost wishes that you could fool yourself into believing he did mull it over. That he simply ‘changed his mind’. Because that’s better than the uncertainty that comes with him cutting you out so heedlessly.
If Jeongguk had a change of heart– it means that, at one point, his heart was sure of you; his heart did want you.
It’s deceiving, but it hurts less than the uncertainty.
The ache that comes with longing for what was is concrete and irrefutable in a bittersweet sense because at least in that case, what you’re yearning for was something that you had; something that was real.
You can’t pinpoint the pain that comes with uncertainty. There’s too much room for doubt, too many times you can mistake a ‘what if’ for a ‘what was’. There are too many ways you can spin the past if you’re not certain of it. Too many different outcomes you can craft. There are too many ways that uncertainty can hurt
Jeongguk’s 180 took place barely within a few hours. Specific changes were instantaneous. Like the quiet unease that shrouded the atmosphere; the quick developing doubt that inevitably tainted both your affections. In all honestly, you could feel the shift as soon as he walked into the playroom after talking to Nari’s mom.
Dasom.
The things you feel when you think about her make you feel so ugly. Like your heart is rotten within your core, ruining you from the inside because it’s so easy to blame her and resent her for everything that occurred. Easy to pin the earth-shattering, tectonic shift in your and Jeongguk’s dynamic on her. It’s easy to hate her for the things she said about you, for the thoughts she put into Jeongguk’s head. But deep inside, right next to your rotten heart, there’s something small that’s telling you it’s easiest to hate her because you aren’t her.
An achy heaviness levels in your gut and you press your eyes shut tightly, consciously making an effort to not tear up. It still hurts so badly. In a way you don’t even really understand. You’re not sure if it stems from jealousy or insecurity or maybe both.
But there is something so excruciatingly painful, something that feels so devastatingly unfair, about Jeongguk and Dasom.
It’s absurd and it’s stupid to let an ex get to you. You know that and you’re aware that it’s the past and that it’s over between them… but when you think about all of the history? It’s enough to overthink and compare. To wonder ‘what if?’, ask yourself ‘why?’ and ‘does he still?’.
Because they loved each other; were in love with each other. They had the sweetest little baby girl together. Dasom will always know Jeongguk in a way that you won’t. She will always know versions of him that you never will. She will always have a part of him and be a part of his life. She will always know him longer than you. No matter what –even if you and Jeongguk had stayed together, fallen in love, and gotten married– she was still there first. In a sense, you won’t ever be able to catch up to her– to them or what they had.
You almost have to laugh at yourself for thinking like that because it’s so pathetically dramatic and pointless. Because yes, letting an ex get to you is both absurd and stupid. But especially so when you let it get to you after months.
Bitterly, you consider that maybe Jeongguk was right. Maybe you were too young for him, and maybe you really weren’t ready for everything that came with him.
When your thoughts are reeled back in, you tell Jade about Jeongguk’s text you never answered.
“God what a whore,” Binna groans. “What kind of person asks that after cutting you out of their life?”
“A man,” Jade reasons.
It makes you chuckle a small laugh, and the silence that settles this time is a little more comfortable. A couple of minutes pass with the three of you pretending to watch Jade’s show when Binna clears her throat.
She tries to keep her voice light and casual, acts as if she’s just making conversation. “You’ve been lurking, no?”
She will be disappointed when you admit that you’ve tried. But she’ll also be pleased to know that you simply can’t.
“He doesn’t have Instagram.” You shrug your shoulders as if it’s not a big deal and like your recently searched isn’t full of accounts that have some variation of Jeongguk’s name in the user.
“He probably has Facebook, he’s old,” Jade says absently, eyes glued to the television once again.
Binna gets a worried look on her face when she can physically see the lightbulb go off in your head. Then her expression shifts into one of tired disapproval. “Thank you for that, Jade.”
Jade’s reply is simply a preoccupied, half-hearted ‘My bad’.
But you do not care and your phone is already out.
You’re trying to move on, you are. Truly. One peek won’t hurt. Also–
“He’s not old, he’s only 29,” you say distractedly, waiting for the app to download before the phone is promptly plucked from your hands. “Hey–”
“Give me that,” Binna interrupts, “If you look him up, you will come up in his ‘people you may know’. I don’t want that for you, and you don’t want that for you. Trust me.”
With a frowny pout on your face, you settle back into that couch. “Well… I don’t want you coming up in whatever that is either, right?”
“You do not need to worry about that because I am a professional and I am crazy. What’s his last name again?”
Professional and crazy sound like adjectives that are not supposed to go together, but you don’t argue and when she pulls out her own phone, you answer her.
Binna’s sleuthing seems to be entertaining enough for Jade to abandon her show, moving from her place at your feet to a seat next to Binna looking over her shoulder. Nervousness keeps you from joining, quietly just waiting for the few moments it takes for Binna to find what she’s looking for.
“Ah! Jeon Jeongguk, 30, C–” she gasps, eyes wide as she looks at you, “you didn’t tell us he was a CEO!”
You shrug. “Didn’t seem important. And I told you already, he’s 29. Not 30.”
Binna’s brows furrow before she’s looking at her phone again, bringing it close to her face and using her thumbs to zoom in on the profile picture. “Is this not him?”
“No, that’s him,” Jade confirms, face close to Binna’s. “I’ve seen enough pictures of him in the groupchat that I also see him in my dreams.”
“Please don’t dream about him,” you say musingly, reaching to snatch the phone from Binna just like she did to you.
It is in fact your Jeon Jeongguk pictured on the phone. His profile picture is candid, him smiling wide with those puffs under his eyes, probably mid-laugh. But it still seems professional enough, he’s in one of his many expensive suits, with his tie on, and his hair done sleek.
And you can feel how a small, sad smile comes to rest on your lips. You carefully click on the picture to see when it was posted.
Just a couple of weeks ago.
And the small, sad smile gets even smaller and even sadder. He looks happy enough, and you hope he is. But it stings a little for some reason.
Then you remember why you pilfered the phone in the first place.
Looking over his profile, you see the basic information. His alumn, his job, his hometown. You click the ‘about info’ option below all of that and it’s then that you see his birthday, and that his age is indeed 30. And you feel silly, a little embarrassed, for not knowing. Or maybe forgetting?
Though, you’re almost positive you didn’t forget. That you wouldn’t have forgotten something like his birthday. That you couldn’t have because Jeongguk was your favorite person.
You trade Binna her phone back for yours.
The photos in your camera roll on his alleged birthday are from what you thought was a random day that Jeongguk asked you to come over.
It was kinda spontaneous for him. Considering he was someone that usually liked to plan, getting a random phone call from him while you were still at work was out of character. He simply asked if you wanted to come over. Just laze around with him, watch a movie, or something. Stay the night, maybe. He sounded slightly boyish when he asked, like he was trying to mask the hopeful excitement in his voice. You told him yes, of course, but that you wouldn’t be able to come until after work.
When you showed up at his, still clad in your work uniform, he was beaming. You barely made it through the door before he was literally giving you the shirt off his back to change into, helping you out of your polo and khakis.
In the photo you’re looking at, your head is in Jeongguk’s lap and he’s shirtless looking at the tv with his hand over your mouth. You had been purposefully asking too many questions, just like you always did. The picture was taken from below so the angle is a little funny.
And even though you’re smiling at the memory, the image turns blurry as you start to tear up. Something about it warms your heart while simultaneously breaking it.
Apparently, he didn’t want gifts, or anything extravagant. Seeing as he omitted telling you it was the one day of the year that everything was supposed to be about him, the one day he was supposed to be doted on. Jeongguk just wanted to be with you. Just your company was enough for him. Just you were enough for him.
“He never told me it was his birthday, but he asked me to come over,” you tell your friends, with your thumb swiping through the many pictures you took that day. “Like me just being there was a good enough birthday present or something?”
Jade can hear the waver in your voice, and she gently says, “Maybe we shouldn’t look at old pics if it’s going to make us sad, hmm?”
“Maybe we should delete them, hmm?” Binna chirps.
You hear them but you continue till you get through the whole night and the next morning. The tears are so heavy in your eyes, but you try to laugh, dabbing at your waterline with your sleeve when you say, “I like– really miss him, guys,” before you end up just covering your face with your palms and letting yourself have your moment.
Jade coos, scooching closer to you, pulling you to her side. She rubs your shoulder soothingly. “I know you do, ___,” she says quietly.
Your roommate has really come a long way since the first conversation you had with her about Jeongguk. The other roommate, however, seems like she is regressing.
“We have got to get you out of the house and onto another dick. Your vibrator is tired and your pillow probably smells like the ocean because of all the tears it’s soaked up. It probably needs a wash, too.”
“Binna!” Jade scolds.
“No, like I’m so serious right now,” Binna defends, “I understand being sad over a breakup, but it’s been months. And over a grown man who lets his literal ex-wife, whom he divorced, still have such a pull on him? Like c’mon. What the fuck is that?”
“She’s allowed to be sad! And those things you listed make her sadness even more warranted. You were holed up in your room for months too, at one point,” Jade reminds, “But it was over a boyband breaking up.”
“In hindsight, it was very good for Zayn to leave,” Binna amends before giving you her attention. “Listen I get it, but I just want you to be happy again… You know?”
When you peek up at her with a sniffle, she looks sad.
“I don’t want you to get stuck in the sad and the hurt, ___,” she says quietly, “because sometimes when people get stuck in the sad and in the hurt, they can’t like– get unstuck. You know? Nothing gets better. The depression just swallows them and they don’t ever feel better and– I want you to feel better.”
Binna’s not the most eloquent, but she has the biggest heart. And you know she means well, and despite how stuck in the sad and the hurt you truly are, you know that she does have a point.
You have to brood over it for a moment, and you kind of feel like you’re outside of your body when you agree. Like you’re hearing someone else say, “Okay, where are we going?”
~~~
The club lights are too bright and strobing too fast, just asking for someone to seize. Your feet hurt because the heels you’re wearing are too high. You figured the weeks following New Year’s would be less crowded, that everyone would be recovering from blackouts and bad decisions. The sheer number of people around you tells you otherwise. You’re not having a good time.
When you tell your roommates as much, their response is handing you a shot. A few shots.
And since alcohol is essentially magic, with every shot glass that is emptied down your throat, the night grows more enjoyable and less likely to be remembered. The lights turn pretty, and the ache in your feet becomes dull and muted, just like the one in your heart.
You’re dancing how a person who doesn’t know how to would. Hips swaying, arms occasionally going above your head before slinking back down and over your body. The bass in the club makes it feel like everything is vibrating and it makes you laugh dumbly, eyes squeezing shut as you giggle to yourself. You know Binna and Jade are close by, but it feels like you’re in your own little world.
“I feel good,” you yell over the music to no one in particular. Eyes still closed, a loose-lipped smile lingering at the corners of your mouth.
The warmth of a body can be felt behind you, though it’s not quite pressing against you yet. It doesn’t feel bad, and neither do the fingertips ghosting along the curve of your waist. You press into the touch, the heat, a little more. A chiffon chuckle is puffed over the crown of your head. The tentative fingers at your waist get more firm, their grip trying to steady you.
“You look good, too,” the body behind you says, lips brushing the shell of your ear. It makes chills prick at your skin.
You bite your lip to keep from smiling at the sensation, at the words. Your hand goes to cover the bigger one on your waist. You intentionally keep the touch constant when you turn around in their hold. Their palm slides along your body till it’s settling on your lower back just above the swell of your ass.
When you look up, your reply gets caught in your throat.
The owner of the warm body behind you is handsome, strikingly so. Tall, strong. Smile dreamy, and eyes dark. He gives you a soft grin accompanied by an encouraging nod, wanting you to say what you can’t seem to get out.
“Uh–” you sputter with a wince, before clearing your throat, “I– yeah, um… thanks, you too.”
You can’t hear his laugh over the music, but you can tell he’s amused by the way his chest rumbles, and how his eyes curl. The hand at the base of your spine moves to your hip, squeezing gently.
His other hand is moving, too, and your track it till it’s tucking some hair behind your ear. You go still and flush when he leans down to your ear again. “I’m Seo-joon,” he tells you.
Introducing yourself is the automatic reply he gets, and he hums, eyes scanning your face. The hand that tucked your hair trails down your arm until his fingers meet yours. They flirt for a moment before they lace together. His movements seem shy, but they’re actually very calculated. Well practiced. Like he does this a lot. Like he knows exactly how to get what he wants.
The realization sobers you some. Not enough to clear all of the drunken fog in your head, but enough to make you vaguely more alert.
“I think you’re a… a little too good at this for me, Mr. Seo-joon.”
Seo-joon briefly looks surprised, eyes widening like a child who’s been caught in a lie. Then he’s recovering, laughing. “Ah,” he muses, guiding your arms to drape over his shoulders, your hands interlocking behind his neck. His hands do the same around your waist as he pulls you a little closer. “I don’t know, you might be the one that’s too good? Too smart? Read me like an open book.”
There’s a flutter in your tummy that you haven’t felt in months and it’s exciting. Makes you giddy as you blink up at him sluggishly, eyelids heavy.
“Are you not?” you ask him, coquettishly referring to him being easy to read. “Aren’t you here for the usual?”
He looks up like he’s thinking. Then he’s shrugging, like there’s no point in denying the obvious. Crowding your space, cheek brushing yours as he talks into your ear again, he asks, “And why are you here, ___? The usual, as well?”
Seo-joon doesn’t move out of your space like the times he did before, instead pulling you into him a bit more, making your space his space too. Lips brush against the corner of your jaw, just below your ear. Teasing, yet sure.
“I’m here to forget–” Your hand twines into the hair at the nape of his neck when he nips softly at your earlobe, making you gasp quietly, interrupting yourself. “–about someone.”
He lets out a smug sound of understanding. “That’s about as ‘usual’ as it gets, ___,” you hear him say, before he purrs confidently, “Let me help you.”
And when he molds his lips to yours, you expect the kiss to feel as good as the lead-up.
You expect the butterflies in your belly to flutter wildly– not go still. You expect the hands roaming over your body to feel rousing– not misplaced, like they aren’t supposed to be there. When you open your mouth to let him lick inside, you expect it to feel right. But it doesn’t. Sure, it doesn’t feel wrong, necessarily. But it doesn’t feel like it should. He doesn’t feel like he should.
But you want him to. You want Seo-joon to feel right, and you want him to feel good. You want it so badly that you go home with him.
~~~
The cab ride is nothing but a precursor– something that needs to happen but not something that needs to be remembered. It’s just a soft blur that prequels his soft bed, his soft kisses, his soft pets.
Seo-joon is being gentler than he was at the club.
Under the hazy hue of the club lights, the strong hands that tugged at the straps of your dress were confident, cunning, audacious, and assertive. Boldly expectant of the outcome he was so sure he would get.
Under his sheets, those same hands are… not exactly timid, but ginger with their eagerness. Delicate, imploring, coy, and suggestive; tactfully encouraging, rather than expecting, the outcome that he hopes for. The way his hips brush against yours is unhurried and intentional. The crass, dirty movements from before that were careless and unrefined are long gone. Now he’s patient. Grinding into you slowly, deliberate.
However, the change in pace, in the scenery, and in his demeanor– none of it makes the kisses taste any sweeter; none of it makes the touches feel any better; none of it makes anything good enough in the effortless way you long for.
It’s counterintuitive but the lack of ease, paired with the desire for it, just makes you try harder. Redouble your efforts.
You press your lips against his in a kiss that’s harder, dig your nails into his shoulders with a grip that’s harder. When you cant your hips up against his just so– you do it harder. He gets a little harder in his pants, and the thoughts in your head get a little harder to ignore. Faking gets harder and pretending does too.
Seo-joon is smart enough. He’s probably been around enough, too. With experience under his belt, it doesn’t take him long to sense the shift. The way your energy dulls, the slight tension tugging at your frame underneath him. But still, it doesn’t stop him from testing the waters one more time, giving you a few more unsure, assessing kisses.
To no avail.
With furrowed brows, he pulls away. Seo-joon doesn’t look angry, though. Just confused as he braces himself on his forearms, lifting himself just enough to be able to take you in, most of his body weight still resting atop you.
He clears his throat. “You don’t uh– you don’t really… seem to be– into this? Anymore? Into me?”
Your expression probably mirrors his. Confused, and maybe a little lost as you study him. Because he’s handsome. Almost unbelievably so, with his high cheekbones and sharp eyes; his nose and mouth that appear perfectly placed; his smooth, airbrushed skin.
You should be into him. Superficially at the very least.
But you just aren’t because even though he is handsome, flawless even, he’s attractive in a very ordinary, classical way. There doesn’t seem to be anything signature about Seo-joon’s features.
When he smiled at the club, it was idyllic and exactly symmetrical. His cheeks filled out, but just enough. His teeth –a dentist’s dream– were pristine, perfectly proportioned, and all of them just the right size. So white that they were almost beaming in the dim lights.
And even now, when he attempts an uneasy one to shake awkwardness it’s… fine. His plush lips are fine and his straight nose is fine and his even brows are fine and everything about Seo-joon is perfectly fine.
But, to you, he’s not really anything special.
Surface level, Seo-joon’s perfectly fine. But so are so many other perfectly fine, classically beautiful, ordinary men. There’s nothing that sets him apart. No defining characteristics, nothing about Seo-joon that makes him him.
Yet you can’t stop yourself from thinking that even if there were, it wouldn’t matter.
Because you already know what makes someone special to you.
You’re well aware of the distinctive features that make your heart flutter. Like when someone smiles and their bottom lip tugs down just a hint farther on the left side. Or when they get little rounds under their eyes and scrunch their nose when they laugh. When he has things about himself that are slightly imperfect. Like big front teeth or a barely off-center freckle under his bottom lip. Like the deep scar on his cheek that he got from his brother when they were little. Or the faint one by his eyebrow from the piercing he had in college that had to be taken out before it was yanked out by a tiny hand.
The man you’re sharing a bed with could be the most uniquely attractive person on earth and it wouldn’t make a difference. It still wouldn’t make him special– not to you.
He’s not what you want.
You hum when you admit it to yourself.
“I’m not.”
Momentarily, Seo-joon looks taken aback by your seemingly rash rethink, but he takes your drunken bluntness in stride. He gives you a forced smile before he hangs his head in an apologetic bow, shifting from on top of you to lay next to you. “I see, I’m sorry if I assumed or overstepped or made you feel like you had to come home with m–”
Seo-joon sounds guilty, and it surprises you when a hint of guilt starts to bloom in your chest.
“You didn’t!” you interrupt, “I thought I was into you… or like I should be into you…”
His eyebrow quirks and he just looks at you.
“Ah…” you muse awkwardly, scanning the room.
It’s so very bachelor. Dark furniture, a big tv mounted on the wall, a little bar cart off to the side next to the mini fridge that’s kinda big to be called ‘mini’. Nothing personal at all that could tell you anything about him, except the boxers on the floor that tells you he prefers Armani. No hint as to what his goals or his hobbies are.
Perhaps it's a good thing you didn’t sleep with Seo-joon. Guys like him have the most brutal post-nut clarity and you’re not sure you could take another grown man hurting your feelings.
“I just don’t want you to think like– I don’t know? That you did something wrong? Or that you like coerced me into coming h–”
“Wait, I didn’t think that–”
“–I’m the one that should be sorry!” you assure him, “Because I don’t think I actually went out to try and forget someone; I think I was trying to find them?”
A couple of stilted seconds pass.
“In… me?” he asks, like he’s mentally trying to puzzle the pieces together.
“I guess? Maybe replace them with you? Or like… use you… as a placeholder?” You wince helplessly at your choice of words, unable to stop them before they spill out.
Seo-joon’s confusion is replaced by a quick, bright laugh which is followed by a small smile that seems almost pitying.
“You’re still young–”
You physically cannot stop the way you interrupt him with.
“Please shut the fuck up.”
The tired words are spat tartly before you can clench your teeth around them. It’s probably a defense mechanism– you’re not quite sure you can handle another grown man being mean to you, but you’re almost very sure that you can’t handle one lecturing you about how young you are, about how much life you still have left to live, about how your youth makes it difficult to know what you really want, about how–
“Whoa,” he laughs. He’s on his side, his head propped up on his palm. He eyes you for a moment before he tugs the strap of your bra back up, haphazardly covering you again. “Sore spot?”
Pulling his sheets up for good measure, you pout. “He was older.”
Seo-joon makes a noise of understanding. “Older like… older brother’s friends older? Or older like met him at your dad’s work party older?”
Heat floods the rounds of your cheeks and you look anywhere but at the man next to you. No photos in frames. Not even a dvd collection that could tell you what type of movies he likes.
“He’s like– dad old,” you murmur, chancing a glance at Seo-joon only to see him pull a queasy-looking face, and then you’re backtracking to defend yourself. “But only like baby-dad old! Not like– teenager-dad old!”
He looks unconvinced. “How big’s the gap?”
“7 years?” you try.
Seo-joon goes from unconvinced to shocked and then to puzzled. “That’s like… nothing? Probably around our gap too?”
Your hands fly up and you scoff a little as you exasperate, “That’s what I said!”
He joins in and you both laugh in his bed until the giggles putter out into lazy silence. You’re pulling at a little tuft of lint when he hums.
“He told you that you were too young?”
You open your mouth to reply immediately, but then hesitate.
Because your age was part of it. Of course, it was, but was it all of it? Was it the root of it?
“I mean you are; not too young, just… young. But–” Seo-joon grins smugly, giving you a pointed look when he sees you scowl, “–youth isn’t a bad thing. And you’re smart. I meant it when I said that.”
Rolling your eyes, you say, “We literally just met–”
“Yeah, and?” he counters, just for the sake of it because he still doesn’t allow a reply. “We only just met and I could already tell that you were smart. Even though I tried, I knew my… methods wouldn’t work on you. You read me like an open book,” he repeats what he said earlier that night, before speaking slowly like he’s spelling something out for you. “and I’m sure I’m not the only one you’re able to read like that?”
Your scowl intensifies. “What are you getting at?”
“This boy you’re trying to ‘forget’? ‘Find’?” The hand that’s not supporting him comes up and he makes some air quotes. His tone is a little softer, like maybe he’s trying to be gentle. Or maybe he’s just tired of talking to you. You can’t be sure.
“I feel like you’re smart enough to know if the whole thing is worth it or not. How long ago was it?”
“A month or 2… give or take 17 days…” you mumble, avoiding his gaze.
“Okay. But yeah… that’s a good chunk of time…” he says around a quick yawn. Then he hums thoughtfully to himself. “I feel like you could think back and read the situation a bit more clearly now? Like, reassess it to… you know… I don’t know just figure stuff out…”
“‘You know, I don’t know’, ‘Just figure stuff out’, ” you mimic dryly, “That’s all the advice you have to offer me when you’ve lived lifetimes longer than me?”
“Listen, you can’t hate all men because of one man–”
“Yes, I ca–”
“Okay but, you don’t even hate that one man? That’s the whole issue?” Seo-joon interrupts. He lilts his tone up in an inquisitive manner, like he wants you to confirm.
You refuse and choose to reply with petulant silence.
“Exactly. C’mon, use that big, smart brain in that pretty, little head of yours,” he encourages, “Look back and just figure stuff out. It might be hard, but not as hard as you think. I feel like time away from what we think we need or want, always puts things into perspective. Distance makes the heart fonder, or–” He pauses for dramatic effect. “It makes the heart indifferent.”
Not rolling your eyes is a feat, but you manage. “Clearly my heart did not become indifferent if I am laid up with you and still going on about it.”
Seo-joon hums again, carries on some more. But you’re not paying attention because maybe time didn’t put things into perspective, but his words just did.
Distance and time make the heart indifferent.
Jeongguk hasn’t been to your store once since you left his house.
You frown, connecting imaginary dots as a little wrinkle sprouts between your brows. “He hasn’t come to see me since he cut things off.”
Seo-joon pauses mid-sentence, mimes your expression. “Did you expect him to?”
You pause now.
“Um… kinda?” you start. Rolling to your side you copy his position so you can look at him. “I mean, I work at the grocery store he would normally shop at,” you explain, before tacking on, “That’s where we met. He lost his baby and I found her… Or– she found me I guess.”
A small twinge of pain pricks your heart at the mention of Nari. You wonder if she’s talking, or if she’s at least getting closer. If she still doesn’t keep the sock on her left foot, or if she’s grown out of that nerve-wracking yet endearing little habit of hers.
What Dasom said about Nari getting attached comes to mind and you hope the little one is doing well. It hurts a little to think about, but you hope for her sake, that she didn’t get too attached or too sad when you stopped coming around. You hope she forgot you quickly.
“Anyway,” you say, “Guess that means his heart became indifferent.”
Giving a half-hearted shrug with a single shoulder, aiming to come off unbothered. Trying to act indifferent yourself, and like your heart didn’t just drop. You blink a couple of times in an attempt to clear the glassiness you know is cloaking your eyes and offer a weak smile.
Regarding you with a slightly concerned color to his features, Seo-joon chooses to not address the passing mention of a misplaced child or the fact that you’re very close to crying while half-naked in his bed. Decidedly, he says, “I’m not sure if I would call avoidance indifference.”
You sniffle. “Huh?”
His eyes narrow and he looks like he’s debating something internally. Then he sighs. “Listen, I’m not trying to encourage you to wait for him or go back to him. Or like… give you false hope–”
“Gee, thanks–”
“No really,” he stresses, “because that genuinely could be nothing. Men are a bit dense. They do things that may seem calculated, but in actuality, they’re just daft and it didn’t even cross their mind. But in my opinion,” he continues slowly, a bit hesitantly, “Choosing to not go to the grocery store he –I’m assuming– frequented regularly? Right after a breakup?” He sucks a bit of air in through his teeth before he shakes his head. “Yeah, that seems like a very deliberate choice.”
“Like indifference would be more–” he continues before pausing briefly to choose the right words, “I picture indifference as more of– him still going to your work, despite the breakup, because he just doesn’t give a fuck.”
Whatever words you were planning to say get caught in your throat and you cough out a short laugh at Seo-joon’s straightforwardness.
He grins a little. “Right? Because that’s what it is– a lack of interest, lack of concern. Like he just doesn’t care one way or the other about you being there because you’re not important enough for him to be affected by you.”
You know he’s speaking in hypotheticals, but it still sours your expression. Makes your lips pull down at the corners.
“Personally, if I were him and I was truly indifferent, truly unbothered,” he places his hand on his bare chest, “you being there or not being there wouldn’t be significant enough for me to alter my routine.”
Your eyes flit quickly over Seo-joon’s torso. His gesture causes the sheet to fall slightly, pooling at the subtle curve of his waist. There’s a faint warmth flooding your cheeks as you swiftly and intently bring your gaze back up.
You swallow before replying with a simple, “Ah… yes… that makes perfect sense.”
Playfully, Seo-joon scowls at you. “You sure you don’t want to fuck?”
“Yup.”
“It may help–”
“Nope, don’t think it will actually.”
He shrugs, an amused grin still lingering. “Suit yourself–”
“I feel like your post-nut clarity would hurt my feelings and I’m vulnerable right now.”
It’s silent for 1, 2, 3 seconds before Seo-joon’s loud laughter echoes in his room. Failing to keep a straight face, he rolls on his back and rests his head on his pillow as he lets himself laugh to his heart’s content. Then he inhales deeply and scrubs a hand over his face and swipes a finger beneath his bottom lashes; catching his breath and regaining his composure and wiping away the wetness under his eyes.
A few seconds pass before he’s turning his head to look at you with a quiet smile. It feels a bit too tender, too sincere, and too heartfelt, for what was supposed to be a one-night-stand.
“See,” he says softly, “told you you were smart.”
You just look at him, trying to read him like he’s so sure you can. There doesn’t seem to be any ulterior motives, just him being genuinely kind to you because he wants to be. And for some reason that makes your eyes burn.
“If it doesn’t hurt too badly to revisit everything that went on with the boy,” Seo-joon begins, interrupting the light hush that settled between the two of you, “I really feel like you’ll be able to see things clearer; read the situation better. Figure stuff out. And then, things will start to fall into place for you. Everything will start to make a little more sense. You’ll know if you’re wasting your time being hung up on him, and if it’s worth your happiness. You’ll know if looking for him is worth the effort, and you’ll be sure that ‘finding’ him is actually what you want after all.”
You’re definitely going to cry.
“And when I said you were still young, and that your youth wasn’t a bad thing,” he continues, “I meant that if you decide that you do want to look for him, and you do find him again– you still have enough time to try with him again.”
With a wobbly bottom lip, you feel your features slowly morph into a scowl.
It’s self-directed because it’s then that you think about what’s happening and how ridiculous it all seems.
Because why are you on the tail end of being drunk, half-naked in the bed of a grown man who you met just hours ago? Why are you telling him bits and pieces about the person he was supposed to distract you from? The person that caused you the most delicately painful ache that’s been festering for months? Why are letting this man give you advice? Why are you letting him comfort you? And why does it feel like he’s done a better job of it by just listening to you for the last few hours, than friends you’ve had for years?
And why do you feel like you’re going to cry about it?
The self-directed scowl morphs to a Seo-joon-directed glare.
“He’s not a boy,” you begin in a voice that shakes just a hint, arguing just to be difficult, “he’s a man with the cutest baby and he’s 30 now and–” The urge to cry cuts you off and you feel the first tear leak from the corner of your eye.
Seo-joon’s soft, sincere smile turns slightly sad as he tracks the salty drop. “Hey, don’t cry–”
“Shut-up,” you spout, your tone somewhere in between short and like you’re begging him to be quiet because it was him speaking that brought you to this state in the first place.
A short staring contest ensues.
“Also– I bet you would’ve been the worst fucking one-night stand,” you add on for good measure.
Seo-joon’s ability to keep from laughing is impressive. It’s only for a second that an amused smile overtakes his features– a natural reflex he isn’t able to stop. But it’s barely there at all before he’s schooling his features into something that he hopes looks receptive, like he’s taking in what you’re saying, absorbing it like it’s Gospel.
But he’s also a curious motherfucker, and he wants to know why you think that.
“That is baseless and an unfounded assumption,” he defends himself, because he may be receptive, but he is also a damn good one-night stand. “With that being said, please tell me why you feel that way.”
“Because I’m crying! And it’s because of you! You and your making of us bare our fucking souls during pillowtalk! Who does that?!”
It’s huffy and snippy and you both know you’re being mean just for the sake of it.
With lips pressed into a tight, smile-proof line, Seo-joon nods easily; agreeable and understanding.
He knows you’re fragile and that you’re tired– so he chooses not to voice how he considers what you talked about very surface level. How he thinks you may be more hurt and affected by whatever took place between you and this guy than you even realize yet. How he feels like you still have so much to work through, so much to learn.
Seo-joon lets you win and reminds himself that, right now, it’s not his job to help you soothe the things that hurt or fix the things that are broken. Reminds himself that you’re smart enough to figure stuff out on your own.
There’s a brief lull in the conversation that’s not as awkward or tense as it probably should be.
You sniffle. Then you hiccup.
And Seo-joon laughs, loud and brash and fond as he leans towards you. He gives you what feels like a platonic kiss on your forehead.
“Can I get your number?”
~~~
It’s an early Thursday morning in late January and Jeongguk is feeling troubled. Plagued, if you will, as he towels off after his morning shower. Plagued with the ever-growing, ever-evolving urge to check up on you. To see how you’re doing.
Lurking, as Taehyung calls it, doesn’t happen all that often. Jeongguk makes a point to not let himself do it daily. Or even weekly. It was his New Year’s resolution, in fact. That being said, it’s been exactly 12 days since he’s used his friend’s 8-year-old son’s instagram account to see what you’ve been up to.
Typically, he can talk himself out of the sudden notion. Put it off until he forgets, or just doesn’t feel he needs to so badly anymore. Currently, however, he’s blaming his inability to nix the restlessness in his fingertips on the fact that he hasn’t had Nari around to keep him busy. It’s been a long week.
Because Jeonggk’s been doing his best to keep himself from opening your page for what feels like days. Resisting the pesky pull even though he doubts you’ve even posted. Out of the times he’s given in over the last few weeks, he thinks you’ve posted maybe once. And it was just a picture of some clouds at that– vaguely heart-shaped, wispy, white puffs against sky-blue. The caption was just two emojis, the wind-face lady next to the white heart.
So frankly, even though he’s not exactly keen on how strong and itchy the urge to check on you is– he’s also not exactly sure why he’s fighting it. Not when merely scratching it isn’t going to change anything.
After shrugging on his work blazer, Jeongguk admits defeat– his inner demons having won yet again. He resigns to apathetic, easily accepted complacency as he swipes through the pages on his home screen till he gets to the very last one that houses the small, sunset-colored camera app. He figures he should probably just get it over with.
As he touches the application open, Jeongguk reasons that he’s just been putting off the inevitable– that he knows an itch can’t be ignored and that it won’t be quelled until it’s scratched or soothed. Tells himself that a quick peek before heading out for work won’t matter.
As he clicks on the mini magnifying glass at the bottom of the screen, Jeongguk reminds himself of lurking’s insignificance. Thinks back to all the times he’s done it before and how it never made a difference.
As he sorts through the random selection of 8-year-old boy searches till he finds your user in the mix, he reassures himself that checking on you won’t do anything but alleviate the nagging in the back of his head and the tingling in his fingertips.
As he taps your profile, he convinces himself that lurking will be relieving and nothing more.
As Jeongguk sees that you have posted, he realizes that this time, lurking does matter and that he is so very stupid for assuming it would bring him relief.
The picture is blurry, not unlike a handful of others he’s seen on your feed.
But the setting captured is new. The pink-tinted lighting isn’t familiar, and neither is the purple and blue hues. The crowd you captured is much more… abundant than what he’s become accustomed to seeing when he pulls up your page.
Jeongguk scans the photo for just a bit longer and then swipes to the next one in the post. This one is the final stupid nail in the coffin of Jeongguk’s stupid demise. The couple shot glasses grouped together in blurry cheers are all the confirmation he needs to know exactly where you were. His eyes flick to your caption, and then his features pull into a pensive frown with furrowed brows.
BUT FOUR DRINKS IM WASTED !!
Jeongguk taps open the comments.
flickthebinna: you’ve had exactly two (2) shots
ocstagram: i am Wasted !! 🤬
jadedjade: can u let her be wasted and focus on getting our drinks @flickthebinna 🤨
He can’t help but chuckle at your and your friends’ interactions, but as he closes the app he catches himself doing a certain habit of his. The little tick where he tilts his head and juts his jaw out quickly. His telltale sign of irritation.
Irritated with himself, of course. Partly because of the obvious. The spying (from a child’s social media account nonetheless), the moping that he’s been doing for months, the procrastinating and avoiding that’s been going on for almost just as long.
But also because he feels so embarrassingly immature for allowing what he finds out from the spying to affect him so deeply. It seems so very juvenile to get this worked up over an instagram post.
He’s irritated at the emotional rush and the way his hands are shaking. At the way his mind is jumping to conclusions and conjuring up all sorts of sour scenarios. He’s irritated with himself for the way unwarranted jealousy burns in his chest.
The irritation stews; sits in the passenger seat as he makes the drive to work– right next to the sudden instinct to act on a restless whim. The irritation festers; accompanies the worsening impulsive urge that makes it hard to think and ultimately pushes him to make a wrong turn.
The irritation is only sated when he pulls up to a curb and his car comes to a stop.
Jeongguk’s irritated with himself for a lot of things. But mostly because it took him so long to get here.
~~~
He’s not sure why he anticipated you answering the door. Karma wouldn’t be so kind, and he wouldn’t be so lucky. Obviously.
“And why the fuck are you here?” This is how Binna greets him, after taking him in with a groggy, borderline bored stare.
With a wince, Jeongguk tries, “Hi Binna–”
“Don’t you have a job?” she interrupts, the volume of her tone increasing with every word. “Aren’t you so busy? So busy, in fact, that it’s so hard to find the time for–”
He opens his mouth to try and get a word in but stops abruptly. So does Binna when she feels a soft hand on her shoulder, and hears a grumpy ‘Why are you being so loud?’.
Right in front of him, you’re still half-asleep. Drowsily using the sleeve of the oversized sweatshirt you’re wearing to rub over your face tiredly. Seeing as he decided to show up at a little past 8 in the morning.
After a few slow, dreamy blinks, you direct your attention to Jeongguk and he feels like he can’t breathe.
It’s unconscious, how his lips turn up a smidge when he really sees you for the first time in what feels like forever. When he sees the warmth that lives inside of you color your skin with the softest, natural flush.
Jeongguk is still so jealous.
He watches you and he studies you. Now that he’s not relying on his memories or the pictures in his camera roll or the ones on your socials– he’s trying to pick out what’s the still same; how you’ve changed. Your hair is a bit longer, a shade or two darker as well. Maybe it’s the big hoodie you’ve got on, but you look smaller than he remembers. In his chest, he feels his heart tug but he can’t dwell on it too much as he refocuses on your features beginning to stir.
They shift from dazedly blank to shocked, as if your still-sleepy brain has just now registered him being there, and the smallest gasp sounds from your lips. Then an expression that’s a cross between confused and angry takes the place of prior surprise. The doe-ish look becomes sharp and stern; your narrowed eyes are framed above by scrunched brows and below by shadowy circles. Your mouth goes from slack with your plush lips barely parted, to pouty and pursed in a deep frown.
Jeongguk knows he should say something.
Explain.
Say sorry.
Ask for forgiveness.
But he feels mute, like his heart is stuck in his throat. Like he can’t do anything but stand there and hope you show him a little bit of undeserved grace. That you give him a moment, and then another, to get himself together. Even though he’s had too many moments already to do exactly that.
In the few seconds that go by you shoo your roommate, and after she’s gone, your face changes once again. Softening just enough to not be so harsh. You stand in your doorway as he flounders and you watch with intent, almost curious, anticipation. And Jeongguk doesn’t want to be too optimistic– but he thinks there might be a hint of relief, an inkling of eager, hopeful expectation hiding in the way you’re looking at him.
As if you’ve been waiting for him; wanting him– and now he’s finally here; almost yours.
He’s so caught up in that –the minute chance of reconciliation that he only thinks he caught a glimpse of– that he doesn’t get out of his head until the movement of your shoulders slumping, and your chest deflating rips him out of it.
Jeongguk would prefer the air your demeanor carried just moments ago. The quiet, masked hopefulness you gave off before you made yourself smaller and breathed that tiny, dejected sigh. God, he would even take the calloused, puzzled hostility you had when you first realized it was him in standing in your doorway. Anything over how you look currently.
Definitely disappointed, maybe a little bit embarrassed, and just so sad.
It’s what he expected, at least to some extent. He’s foolish, but he can only fool himself so much. There’s a limit on how many fantasies of effortless forgiveness he can have before he has to face reality.
Jeongguk knew you would be sad, and he knew you would be disappointed. He was ready to take responsibility for the role he played because he was so sure that it would be his fault.
But what makes how you’re looking at him right now so awful, so unbearable– is that you’re looking at him like it has nothing to do with him.
You don’t look disappointed in him. You don’t look sad because of him.
It looks internal, so personal.
Like you’re sad because you naively allowed yourself to hope– let it glimmer, shining so obvious in your eyes. Only for the brightness to dim, snuffed out by the foolishness that so often goes hand in hand with naivety.
Like you’re sad because as soon as you saw him, you had expectations– preconceived notions about how it would go when he came back, how he would act. Only to learn that with enough preconceived notions, you can turn expectations into daydreams.
Maybe that’s why you look a little embarrassed, too. Because you so quickly let yourself hope, like a child who hasn’t learned from their mistakes. Because you immediately conjured up expectation-disguised daydreams of Jeongguk. Still, after all this time. After everything he’s done, you still expected good from him.
You look like you’re disappointed in yourself, not him, because you should have known better.
He doesn’t find his voice until you’re shaking your head like he’s let you down. Until you’re turning away from him and edging the door closed.
“I’m sorry!”
Jeongguk blurts the words out, and he didn’t say much but his chest is heaving and he’s got this frantic way about him and a panicky feeling flooding his veins. When you look up, surprise flashes across your face, but it’s gone in an instant and is replaced by incredulous anger. Like you can’t believe him.
Despite your trying to stand your ground and hold his gaze, a gleam still shines in your eyes.
“I am,” he assures breathlessly, his eyes darting across your face, “I’m so sorry, ___. And–”
When Jeongguk tells you he misses you, he notices how you almost flinch. How your eyes snap shut tightly –like you can feel his words, but still aren’t sure if they’re real or if they’re true; like you’re scared of finding out– and the heavy tears pooling on your lashline finally spill over.
As the salty droplets drip down the apples of your cheeks, Jeongguk feels an ache that hurts so badly that it’s visceral. Like if he could crack open his chest, he could get a hand on the it and just rip the pain out and make it go away. If only that was the case.
“I–” you start, but your voice gives out. You clear your throat with a small cough, and talk to the ground because it’s easier to talk to than him. “Maybe we’re better like this, Gguk.”
Jeongguk’s heart drops, and it’s a struggle to get out even just a whispered a plea of your name.
When you speak up this time, you force your eyes to meet his. Your brows are upturned and your bottom lip quivers for just a second before you take a deep, self-soothing, breath and school your features into a facade of indifference and resolve.
“I hope Nari’s been okay. And you. I hope you’ve been okay, too.”
Jeongguk’s brows furrow. He’s confused but gives you an unsteady nod. “She– she’s good, yeah.”
You scan his face, trying to keep your own expression neutral. But how he only mentions Nari and not himself doesn’t evade you. A faint heartache murmurs in your chest, but you mimic his nod. “That’s good. I’m glad–”
“What about you? Have you been okay?”
Jeongguk’s words come out overhasty and too eager. But after such a long time of replaying old dialogues in his head– talking to you just feels so nice. He doesn’t want to stop, even if the conversation feels stilted and trivial. He’s still going to hang on to every little marginal thing you say, and he’s still going to do his best to keep the empty words flowing between you.
He doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath while he awaits your answer. Not until he hears you say, “Yeah, I’m happy, I think” and the air inside his lungs vacates. Making room for a thick cloud of melancholy that isn’t surprising, but still makes it hard to breathe all the same.
Guilt mingles with the suffocating hurt because you being happy shouldn’t make him sad.
But then you smile and Jeongguk responds with a frown and a skeptical shake of his head.
Because the smile– it’s so fake, so unconvincingly artificial and staged that when it turns your eyes to half moons and causes their corners to crinkle– it also forces a fresh wave of tears to tumble down your cry-flushed cheeks.
He doesn’t believe you, but that’s no surprise. You’ve never been a good liar.
A dim, defeated laugh putters from your lips. Trying to portray nonchalance, you give him a weak, half-hearted shrug, like you know you’ve been caught but it can’t be helped.
He knows it hurts you to dismiss him. He can hear it in your shaky, wispy tone when you say, “Take care, Gguk.”
Take care Gguk.
Jeongguk knows it’s a ‘goodbye’. A goodbye that he’s having trouble processing.
It feels like a lifetime, but really it’s only a few seconds that Jeongguk stands there trying to make sense of your words. It’s only a few more before the door closes on him.
Jeongguk couldn’t process the goodbye, but the telltale click of the door locking somehow makes perfect sense.
~~~
Like you are the starlet of your very own coming of age, lifetime, hallmark romance drama– you don’t let yourself cry until your back is pressed against the closed door. Then you cover your mouth to keep quiet as you slide down the wood.
The moment is short-lived.
“Where’s Jeongguk?”
The voice seemingly comes from nowhere, and you jump slightly before swearing and directing your puffy, bloodshot eyes at your roommates. They both have their head peeking out from behind the kitchen wall. Nosy.
“What do you mean ‘where’s Jeongguk?’” you groan, knocking your head back against the wood.
Binna and Jade exchange a look.
“Are you guys like… not gonna… talk?”
You slow blink at them a single time.
An awkward quiet permeates the pumpkin-spice-scented air of your shared home. It’s not even Fall anymore.
“Well,” Binna starts, and then cuts herself off like she spoke before she knew what she wanted to say. She elbows your other housemate. “Jade?”
Jade gives you an instinctive, reactionary smile that’s far too big. “I mean… communication is key… right? And that’s mainly what was lacking before? Talking now could give you the oppurtunity to say all the things you’ve been wanting to. And maybe he can explain his side–”
Binna raises a hand to cut her off, “Too much credit, he is still a man.”
“Fair but–”
The two bicker for a bit before looking at you again.
“Wait, did you not want to work things out?”
You roll your eyes. “Of course I wanted to.”
“Of course you did,” Jade agrees easily.
“Of course you did,” Binna mimics before groaning and asking, “So why the hell is he not here, and why the hell are you not talking and ‘working things out’?”
Crossing your arms, your posture becomes defensive. “Wouldn’t that be too easy? Like he shows up at my door after all these months of virtual silence and I just let him in? Aren’t I supposed to make him grovel and cry and beg?”
“You have to let the man speak for him to be able to grovel and cry and beg, I’m afraid…” Binna informs.
The narrowing of your eyes is the simple response she gets. Only because Jade speaks up before you can.
“You know…” Jades starts, then ponders momentarily. “If it was you that showed up at his house out of the blue at 8 in the morning on a weekday? Then yeah,” she nods to herself, “I would say that it was too easy for him. But he came back to you. And just talking to him?” she shakes her head, “That’s not forgiving him. He still has a lot of work to do– and you should make him prove himself. Prove that he’s grown and changed,” Jade says before she gives you a gentle smile. “But him knocking on the door was also him taking the first step.”
He came back to you.
It’s what you wanted. But now that it’s happening, you have no clue what to do next.
You don’t know what to say. Are you supposed to lie and tell him you’re thankful that he pushed you away; that it helped you realize that he was right? That you are too young? That you’re happier without him, better off being free like he wanted you to be?
Or do you tell him the truth? Do you tell him about how hard it was without him? About how painful it was to go from having so much of him, all of the time– to not having none of him at all, ever? Do you come clean about how hollow and lost being alone made you feel? Do you tell him about how much it hurt every time you thought about how all it took was a few words from his ex– and you were gone; cut out so easily and carelessly? Do you admit that it still hurts to remember?
You don’t know what to do. Do you resist the fight you’re expected to make him put up? Or do you not fight it much at all and welcome him with a second chance and a fresh start? Do you pretend like you didn’t miss him? Like you didn’t fantasize about him coming back? That you didn’t look for pieces of him everywhere you went; in everybody you met?
You don’t know how to feel. Happy because he came to you? Sad that it took so long? Scared because him coming back is just another chance for him to leave again?
You were already crying, but the trickle of tears grows steadier. The sleeve of your sweatshirt is swiped angrily at your eyes, the light grey material dampened a few shades darker.
“Bro,” you cry, “I can’t even look at him without crying, I’m not gonna be able to talk to him. It hurts too bad.”
Jade looks down at you, gives you a pity pout. “If it’s any consolation, I think he will cry too.”
Binna agrees with a sympathetic nod of her head. “He’s probably hurting just like you, but it’s what he deserves.
“___,” Jades speaks up again, “It doesn’t have to be so– painstaking. Like you don’t have to drive yourself mad thinking about what you should do. Just do what you want to do. If you want to talk to him, then talk to him.” She shrugs like it’s really that simple.
And maybe it is.
~~~
It definitely isn’t.
Because if it was, you would not have opened with, quote, ‘I let you put your finger in my ass’, unquote.
And Jeongguk wouldn’t have replied with a slow, painfully dumb sounding: ‘I– yes… I remember…?’
You don’t even really know how it happened.
One second you’re hit with a burst of inspired adrenaline and then the next you’re knocking the wind out of both you and Jeongguk by barreling into his chest. The collision must have knocked the sense out of you, too. It’s the only explanation for your behavior.
All the same, the blame can’t be entirely yours– Jeongguk has to take some of it. He was standing directly outside of your door, after all. He claims he was working up the courage to knock again but that’s beside the point.
You keep your thoughts to yourself, as you pretend not to catch the way that he rolls his lips between his teeth to keep a smile off his face when you lead him into your room and slyly try to kick a few things under your bed. A stuffed animal, a bra. A few too many socks.
It’s a stupid attempt to make your space look a little more tidy and less like you’ve been rotting in it for the last few months. The room’s not too messy by any means; definitely not unkempt enough for you to feel embarrassed or like you need to straighten it up to impress him. But you hope he chalks it up to your nerves getting the best of you.
He’s nervous, too. If how awkward he’s being is anything to go by.
Just standing at the foot of your bed with his hands in his pockets while you situate yourself in front of your headboard. He doesn’t take a seat until you pat the mattress a little, letting him know it’s okay and that you want him to.
There’s a quiet hush that fills the space. It’s slightly tense, but it’s not entirely uncomfortable; stilted but somehow familiar.
You’re sitting with one leg dangling and a pillow in your lap. It’s hugged to your chest. Perhaps a make-shift shield to put something between you and Jeongguk. Fiddling with a loose pillowcase string helps you avoid eye contact by making you look occupied.
Jeongguk’s sat before you, stiff and looking down at the floor between his feet. Similarly evading your gaze just like you’re doing with his. He’s clenching and unclenching his hands, rubbing his palms restlessly over the material of his slacks.
Thinking back, Jeongguk feels like he did so much of the talking that night in his living room. Probably too much, if he’s being honest. He feels he never really gave you the time to say your side or a proper chance to explain yourself.
So this time, he wants to let you do most of the talking. Let you be the one to initiate, at the very least. He wants to give you all the time you need to start the discussion how and when you want, with what you want and feel has precedence.
Jeongguk stays patient right up until you say in a huff, “Well say something, I’m obviously not good at this.”
His lips twitch at your stubborn, slightly irritated tone.
“You’re the one that showed up at my house when I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be at work, so,” you wave your hand at him, indicating you want him to get on with it. “Must have something important to say.”
The small laugh he allows himself is barely a chuckle, but it tumbles from his lips before he can stop it. Blames it on instinct and the simple fact that he just misses you.
“It is important,” he confirms, giving into your bait and starting the conversation for you. He considers staying quiet, getting another little reaction out of you, but he reminds himself that this isn’t the time for that. If he plays his cards right, maybe then he’ll be able to joke with you. But as of now, that’s not his place anymore.
Shifting to face you a little more, so that when he says, “I wanted to apologize to you, ___,” you have his full attention.
When he speaks, you don’t look at him. Instead, you only give him the faintest nod with your eyes cast down. Still fixed on the pillow in your lap. But Jeongguk notices how your lashes flutter quickly before you press your eyelids together tightly; just like you did earlier when he said that he missed you.
Your shoulders lift when you take a deep inhale, and your face is more or less neutral when your eyes meet his.
“It’s been months,” you tell him.
As if he doesn’t know. As if he hasn’t been driving himself mad day in and day out trying to muster up the courage to do precisely this; as if time doing what time does hasn’t been the bane of his existence. Because with each passing day, he knew he was that much closer to going from ‘it’s been so long’ to ‘it’s been too long’. He’s all too aware of just how long it’s been.
Regardless, he doesn’t want to give you excuses; choosing to be easily agreeable. He offers a small tilt of his head as acknowledgment.
“Why now?” you question him.
Jeongguk tries to keep the sadness off of his face when he hears how you sound.
The tone of your voice is unsure; hurt. But the pain is elusive. Only heard when your subtle heartache peeks through the veil of composure you’re trying to hide behind.
While he racks his mind for a worthy explanation, his eyes scan yours. Overflowing with so many different emotions and so expressive just like he remembers.
“I wish–” he begins, “I wish that I could tell you that I’ve been working toward this for ages and that I thought through all the steps and knew exactly what I wanted to say to you…” He gives a small self-deprecating chuckle, “But I can’t tell you that. After earlier, it’s clear that I didn’t have any idea or plan,” he offers you his bared palms. “I wish I had a good reason for ‘why now’, but I don’t.”
Your brows furrow with affronted confusion. Jeongguk speaks up before you can.
“That’s not to say that I haven’t been thinking about this since you left–”
“I didn’t leave, you got rid of me–”
The correction is hissed before you snap your mouth shut like you didn’t mean to say it. But you don’t take the words back and Jeongguk can’t control his expression this time. His face falls and he sighs as he looks down at the pattern on his pants.
“I’ve been thinking about this since I told you to leave,” he tries again, slowly. When you don’t comment again after a small pause, he continues, “but I wasn’t actively figuring out how to do it. I’ve come to learn that plans are essentially useless, so planning out what to say to you seemed pointless. In hindsight, it just made me look stupid,” he muses.
“Honestly, having you on a constant loop in my mind wasn’t intentional; I didn’t want that,” Jeongguk admits. But he doesn’t even chance a glance, not keen to see your worsening scowl. “Remembering you just made me so miserable? Like, thinking about you all the time made me miss you all the time. And missing you made me so fucking sad– like the kind of sad you can feel? Like it hurt to think about you. But you never left my head, so the hurt never went away…”
Jeongguk’s words slowly come to halt, his cheeks reddening to a bright cherry when he realizes that he’s rambling. As he’s mentally trying to dull his blush to something more faint and less conspicuous, he notes that your expression changed. You still look a bit angry, but now, there’s a pastel hue. A soft, muted sadness toning down the harshness.
He stumbles a little when he says, “I– Truthfully– I guess the–” Then he takes a quick, staccato breath mid-sentence to get himself together. “I guess the most truthful explanation for why I took so long is… avoidance? And guilt? Fear?”
When he frustratedly combs a hand through his hair, he pretends not to notice how it’s shaking. And he’s grateful that you don’t mention it when you track his movement.
The conversation gets stuck in a momentary limbo while Jeongguk thinks about what he said. It’s the truth. He was scared before– it’s what got him in this mess and it’s what kept him away for weeks too long. But he’s still scared. Despite getting the most intimidating part over with –actually coming to you after finally working up the nerve to– the fear of fucking up still hasn’t waned.
He’s still just as scared as he was.
Scared of saying the wrong thing. Of not being able to put what he feels into the right words. Of not being able to convey how truly fucking sorry he is for hurting you, how much he regrets it. He’s scared of hurting you again. Scared of you not forgiving him for the first time he did.
He is still just as scared of lying in the bed that he made.
Jeongguk digs his fingertips into his thighs and his nails are dull, but he does it hard enough for a minute pang of discomfort to still be felt. He makes himself puff out a lame chuckle. It sounds strained and resembles a scoff more than anything, but he’s trying to lighten the mood; make the air in the room lighter and easier to breathe.
“I’m sorry,” he says on the tail end of the scoffing chuckle, shaking his head lightly. His voice has a light waver, shaky due to his nerves. “I– I’m just–”
When he feels your small hand settle over the one he has working into his leg, his head whips up quickly and a reactive reflex almost has him pulling his hand away.
But he stops himself before, and he’s so happy he does. Because when the initial shock wears off, your touch feels good. Familiar and comforting. He’s happy he catches himself because your touch feels nice and when he looks up from it, he gets to see you.
It’s like you stopped hiding and came out from behind that veil. Or maybe it’s an accident and you just forgot to keep it up. Either way, it doesn’t matter because he gets to see you watching him so artlessly, so openly honest. With a look that feels like a reminder.
A reminder that your heart has always been so soft, so sweet– that it still is. Softer than the hand you have settled gently over his and sweeter than its touch when you coax his own into being gentle, too, but with himself. A reminder that you’ve always been soft, sweet– that you still are. You look at him –softly; sweetly– like you’re reminding him that you’re still you.
It makes his eyes water and he has to look away. The thin, pinstripes on his slacks blur together, blending into thick lines as unshed tears muddle his vision.
“It’s okay, you can–” he hears you tell him, starting hushedly. You sound hesitant, like you’re not sure if you want to finish. “I… want to know what you’re trying to say. So– you can take your time... I’ll wait for you.”
And if someone asked Jeongguk to describe the ache that fills his chest at your words– he would tell them that it hurts like he imagines the kindest, most tender, undeserved compassion would.
“It took me so long because I was a coward, ___,” he says quietly. But the word is spat from his mouth like something foul. “I was so scared of feeling the hurt and facing the guilt that came when I thought about you; what I did to you–” Shame runs through his veins and he shakes his head at how spineless he was– unable to face the consequences of his own actions. It’s humiliating to remember.
He’s still talking down to his lap when he admits, “I– just avoided it altogether. I was so busy trying to keep it away that I didn’t give much thought to owning up to everything. I didn’t even know where to begin or how to go about fixing things with you.”
Jeongguk’s not crying yet. With that being said, his vision is still bleary and his eyes are red-rimmed from fighting the stubborn tears. He turns the hand he still has underneath yours palm-up. Covers yours with his other on top. Your tiny hand sandwiched between his big ones. He tilts his head back, blinks the wet in his eyes away.
“I wanted to so badly, though,” he tells you, bringing himself to look at you, “To fix things with you. To just try with you. It took me way too long to understand something that should have been common sense: That things don’t always happen the way you plan for them to; That pieces don’t just fall into place just because you want them to. If I want something… It takes effort to make it happen. I have to work for it and try my best to put the pieces where they belong.”
Jeongguk gives you a small smile and your hand a little squeeze. “I needed someone’s help to figure some things out,” he rolls his eyes playfully, almost fondly exasperated by the memory. “Like how to start altering the way I think and how to stop with all the wallowing and self-commiseration. How to stomach self-reflection. But when it finally clicked and I really got it? Fixing things with you was the only thing I wanted to do.”
There’s a tiny flicker of something coming back. A sanguine glimmer replaces the chagrin in Jeongguk’s eyes and you try to mirror it, reflect it back to him. Because the things he’s saying all sound so good. Perfect and promising and like everything you could have hoped for.
But when he says the thing about needing someone’s help? Anything he said before gets repressed. Unclear and hard to recall, as if his words are stuck inside a wayward memory. Anything he says after is indistinct. Muffled and hard to hear, as if there’s water stuck inside your ears. Similar to the rot that’s stuck inside your heart; ugly and hard to get rid of.
Such a gross, sickly feeling suddenly comes over you.
It takes so much effort to swallow it down. The green-washed insecurity that’s wanting to crawl up your throat and out your mouth. Masquerading as untrusting accusations that will make you seem paranoid. Heartsick questions that will leave you too vulnerable.
Who was it? Was it her? Was Dasom the one who helped you?
Of course, she’s going to be a sore spot and you know that. But the thoughts fluster you and catch you a little off guard because it’s not like you to think like that.
It’s never been like you to be paranoid. To feel so self-conscious and easily threatened. You’ve never been the type to chastise. To interrogate, or pry. To accuse, or assume.
The doubt came from out of nowhere– crept its way into your head during a brief lapse of emotional awareness and into your heart when it erringly opened and was left unguarded. At first, quieting the intrusive thoughts and dispelling the negative feelings was a challenge. But in the end, you managed and it was fleeting and passed quickly.
Shaking the residual embarrassment that follows the bad thoughts and emotions, is much more difficult.
Unlike the momentary doubt, the sudden flash of insecurity that it comes with is so intense that it lingers, so strong that it fogs your head. It distractingly hangs out in the back of your mind making it hard to focus.
It takes a few moments longer before you’re able to suppress it and push it down, down, down. Down far enough that you’ll be able to forget about it. At least for a short while, you’ll be able to convince yourself that the feelings won’t come back because it’s just not like you.
Wanting to omit it altogether, you gather your composure and fully give Jeongguk your attention again. You give him a small but genuine smile and wiggle your fingers that are still between his hands.
He smiles back softly, while you sit quietly. You’re working to piece together the things he said while you were lost in your head, trying to come up with a decent response.
“I was scared too,” you reveal quietly, “The whole time I was scared.”
“Will you tell me what you were scared of?”
“There were so many things, Gguk.” You don’t tell him that there still are. Jeongguk nods attentively. You gingerly untangle your hand from his, catching his eyes before looking around your room.
“The finger thing was a really bad example,” you begin trying to explain. You shake your head with a sheepish smile, embarrassed and horrified at your past self. “and it wasn’t the actual act. It was more of what it meant that was scary for me? Like the fact that I let you do something that I always swore I would never let anyone do? Ever.”
Laughing lightly, you think back on all of the times that your friends would make jokes. How they always told you that there would be a time that you would be horny enough to let it happen. The times when they had more class and said it was fine if you never wanted to and never did, but that they still thought you would end up giving in one day. For the right person, you would.
But you always remained adamant– so sure that nobody would ever make the act appealing enough, that nobody would ever make you feel comfortable enough with them for you to allow them to touch you like that or see you like that.
“But then I met you.”
Jeongguk’s brows furrow slightly, like he doesn’t quite understand. But he just stays quiet and nods again, waiting for you to continue. And honestly, you can’t blame him. Anal should never be such a serious topic or something that feels like such a pivotal point in a relationship. You certainly wish that it wasn’t.
But alas.
“All it took was a couple of months… Just a few soft touches and some dreamy words and I was putty in your hands.” Your hands that are folded lightly in your lap open up to show your palms before they squeeze shut into tight fists. “I feel like I would’ve done anything for you; anything you asked me to.”
His features fall, and the expression he wears is laced with so much guilt. “Wait– Did I… make you feel like you had to do certain things?”
You can’t help but smile at his concern as you shake your head sadly. “No, no… nothing like that– I always wanted to.”
Jeongguk frowns, not certain of how truthful you’re being.
Promising him that you’re not lying, you elaborate. “That’s part of why it was scary for me, I think. There was just something about you that made me so…I don’t know, willing? So yours?”
The admission makes pesky pinpricks of tears sting the backs of your eyes. “And I was. I was so yours the whole time even though you weren’t mine–”
“I was–” Jeongguk chimes softly. Interrupting, if only for the sake of trying to convince you.
“Not really,” you argue. The tone you use comes across as somewhat detached. Like you’re just stating a fact.
Using the silence that nestles between you as an opportunity to think, you consider what you’re wanting to tell him. How vulnerable you’re willing to get. Your mouth opens before you feel like you’ve even made your decision.
“I knew you liked me,” you acknowledge because you don’t want to be unfair, “but part of me always wondered: ‘how much does he?’ and ‘for how long will he?’. I was already scared that I was just a phase for you. Before Dasom ever said it.”
Jeongguk tenses just a touch at the mention of his ex and you pretend not to notice, continuing with, “So when she said that I was just something you needed to get out of your system and you didn’t defend me? God, Jeongguk,” you get out, eyes squeezing shut. Wincing at the ghost of pain the memory brings back. “That hurt so much.”
Despite your wanting to look him in the eye and come off strong while you relay how his actions made you feel; it’s impossible. Despite wanting to seem as though you’ve healed and grown and matured and like it just doesn’t hurt so bad anymore; you can’t face him.
“And then everything happened so quickly?” you continue before he can get a word in, your words coming out rushed and frantic, “It felt like you didn’t even think about it, and like it was just so easy for you to let me go? Like I really was nothing just like she said–”
He can’t stop himself from reaching out and quieting you when he hears the way your voice breaks. Jeongguk doesn’t want you to cry, not sure he could handle it if you did. Your hands are in your lap still, clenched together, so he rests a palm on your knee.
“___,” he says gently, “I need you to believe me when I tell you that none of that is true.”
You keep talking like you don’t hear him.
“It almost seemed like you were already over it, bored of me. And her saying those things was a convenient way to– ” you shake your head before sighing. “I was always scared that you’d end up getting tired of me, that you would stop wanting me and just get rid of me. And after what she said, it felt like you finally did. Like you used her words as an excuse so you could finally leave me.”
“That’s not true, baby,” he reiterates, tongue slipping as he tries to console you again
At the pet name you look up. Your red-rimmed eyes locking with his.
He stutters a bit as he backtracks, barely able to get out a stiff apology.
And your lips pull down in a deep frown, and your brows turn up confusedly. “You said you wanted to… fix things with me?”
Jeongguk’s lips part, dim surprise taking over his face before he breathes a small yes.
“I want that too,” you breathe back, “but I’m still so afraid Jeongguk.”
“I know, I know you are– I am too–”
“Not like me,” you counter, “You may be scared, but you’re not scared like me. You can’t be scared like me.”
Your words come out sharper than intended, too emotional for the facade you’re trying to portray. But you don’t dwell on the tone of your voice. Nor do you dwell on the brief ire that flickers in Jeongguk’s eyes.
“I’m scared that I’ll never catch up to you. You won’t ever know what that feels like because you’ll never be the one that’s worried about falling behind– you’re the one that’s ahead of the curve. I’m scared that I’m not good enough for you and Nari– that I can’t be. You have no reason to be scared of that.”
The fight to keep your voice level and in control dwindles. Every ounce of your pain can be heard as you let out the burdensome ache in your heart, little by little.
Each word is heavier than the last when you ask Jeongguk, “Why would you be afraid of not being good enough for someone who never made you question it?”
Jeongguk flinches. Visibly recoils as if your words are abrasive enough to hurt.
Which is what you wanted. You wanted to hurt him, but it doesn’t make you feel better like you anticipated. If anything his reaction makes your pain ricochet right back at you. Hurting him, hurting you.
And then you consider that perhaps, you didn’t truly want him to hurt– that you might have just wanted him to be aware. To know what you’re scared of; how it hurts to be scared.
“Maybe you are scared, too,” you amend, “Maybe there are even a few things that we’re both afraid of… but being scared isn’t something we have in common.”
The hurt from before is replaced by barely-hidden defensiveness. Jeongguk does try to hide it as he listens to you, though. You give him credit for that.
“Being scared that you’ll realize that I actually am just some stupid kid that doesn’t know what she wants, exactly like you thought, is a very specific fear,” you try to explain. “I’m scared that one day you’ll look at me but you won’t see me anymore– you’ll see a mistake that could have been avoided if you never came back. That I’ll cross your mind. But instead of thinking fondly… you’ll end up thinking about how you wish you had just stuck by your decision when you said you wouldn’t let me stay.”
A defensive urge to argue the validity of his feelings comes naturally– he’s only human. His emotional side finds it unfair of you to determine, decide, and define his fears but the irony of the situation dawns on his logical side just as quickly.
The fact that you’re speaking to him in a manner that mirrors how he spoke to you all those months ago, doesn’t escape him. Instead, the similarities make him stop and think. Something he regrets not doing that night in his living room.
He concludes that arguing with you would be pointless. He knows you’re right and it doesn’t take him long to realize.
Yeah, Jeongguk’s scared. But just like you said– he’s not scared like you. Not scared of what you’re scared of. Jeongguk’s fears are more or less internal and he’s had a few of them for most of his adult life, since he became a father. Some of the fears may concern you in some way or another, but none of them manifested because of you or something you did or things you said.
He’s scared, but he’ll never be scared like you. Not when the things you’re afraid of only exist because of him.
The thought of it never going away, of you never being the same or free of the ache he caused, even after the insecurities and fears are dug up by the root– it makes Jeongguk feel like he’s going to be sick.
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” you end up saying after a few moments of watching Jeongguk struggle to get words out. “And I know you regret it. You showing up here proves that.”
The small, sad smile you give him is too kind for what he did.
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” Jeongguk says, “For you, for Nari. I never thought– I’m so sorry, ___.”
“I know,” you reassure, gently.
And you truly do know how sorry Jeongguk is. He obviously doesn’t have the words to express his remorse, but sincerity is written all over his face. His big doe-eyes dark and glassy and so genuine. Full of regret; the longing to go back and undo what can’t be undone. Somehow so full of warmth, just like you remember.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” you say.
It doesn’t sound like you’re at your wit’s end or like you feel as if the conversation has reached it’s breaking point. Just sounds like what it means. Like you don’t want to fight. Not with him. Not with yourself. Not with what you’ve been wishing for since you lost it.
Jeongguk agrees, nodding. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it a fight. I want you to be able to talk to me about–” He’s flighty, moving his hands all about, like he’s nervous and has too many things he wants to say. “about everything, really. So, I promise, I’ll just listen–”
You watch him for a few more seconds, letting the corners of your lips turn up just so. Then you reach for his hands, ceasing their movement with your own.
“Shush,” you laugh faintly, “There’s still a lot we have to talk about. So much– we can’t get through it all with one conversation. It’s gonna take a lot of them and a long time, probably. But I think we’ve covered the most important stuff, right?”
You’re aware it’s going to take time to get through the maze of problems you and Jeongguk have created between each other.
But you can’t help but think about all time that you wasted while making them.
And you don’t want to waste even more time by waiting till everything is figured out before you start letting yourself get past it. You don’t want to hinder the process of moving forward by getting lost trying to navigate the maze. Not when you’ve finally made your way back to each other.
So while the labyrinth hasn’t been solved, and all your issues haven’t been fixed, at least now, you don’t have to do it alone. You can resolve everything and find a way out together.
It’s possible that you’re too willing to push things aside, that you’re too keen to move past it all. That you’re not standing your ground, being too easy and too soft, too quick. That you’re not giving yourself enough time to consider what you haven’t touched on yet. To process what you have.
But as you told Jeongguk, you feel like what needed to be addressed has been. With time, everything else will be talked about. Which is enough for you and your eager heart. You don’t want to wait anymore, not when you’ve been waiting so long already.
Jeongguk’s wearing a flush when you grin at him and he looks down at the pair of your hands, still slightly entangled on your duvet. His thumb rubs softly over your knuckles while he says, “If you’re sure?”
Vaguely aware of Jeongguk absently toying with your fingers while he awaits your reply, you think it over just for the sake of it and end up remembering something.
You hum musingly, making sure he can hear the smile you decorate it with. An attempt to diffuse the heavy air in your room till it’s something more buoyant; lighthearted and easier to breathe. You curl your manicured finger around one of his, trapping it briefly before untangling both your hands.
“Actually,” you start.
So very attentive, Jeongguk whips his head up.
“Now that I think about it, you told me why it took you so long,” you reflect, “But you didn’t tell me why now.”
Jeongguk opens his mouth to reply before he’s furrowing his brows, puzzled, pursing his lips into a line. It’s quiet while he thinks.
A weak, hopeless simper sounds, and he shakes his head while running a hand through his hair. “Again, I wish I had a better answer for you.”
You roll your eyes and change positions, now sitting criss-cross in front of him. “Okay, well, you didn’t just randomly show up! There had to have been something that made you come now; today.”
Light, but genuine laughter rings in your room– it starts off sounding like it’s accidental, cut-off chuckles only heard because the person laughing can’t hold it in, and it ends as cute giggles that lilt throughout the space softly.
And it’s all Jeongguk’s fault.
“No,” he says, around a breathy giggle, “I really did. I probably shouldn’t admit that, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I ended up caving and looking at your–”
It’s now your fault that sounds of amusement continue to filter in the air– Jeongguk’s eyes getting wide and his face turning pink is too funny and you can’t not laugh at him.
He stutters when he tries to backtrack, “Y… Your– pictures? On my phone? In my camera roll?”
You narrow your eyes suspiciously, impishly. “Which of my pictures, hmm?”
The flush coloring his cheeks runs down to his chest, the silver LV pendant of his necklace would probably be warm if you reached out and touched it. He would probably be warm too if you reached out and touched him.
“No! Oh my god, not those! I did not look at those, okay? Anyway,” he rushes out, “I really was on my way to work! But add a couple of turns and a few steps–” he shrugs, “I guess now because I physically couldn’t keep myself from you any longer? Because then I was at your door and now I’m here. With you.”
The giggles have finally ceased, and now it’s just your paired breathing that acts as low background noise while you both take the other in.
“Now you’re here with me,” you repeat softly, with an even softer smile.
Jeongguk’s eyes drop to your lips for the briefest of moments. He darts his tongue out to wet his own.
“___. You were right,” he tells you, “It didn’t have to be all or nothing like I thought it did.”
You nod once.
“I’m sorry for not listening to you. For deciding for you and not letting you make your own choices. And for not even letting you explain your side that night. For how bad I hurt you and for all the things the hurt caused.”
“Okay,” you breathe.
“I should have listened to you.”
Again, you nod.
“I should have chosen you.”
It’s almost instantaneous when tears well in your eyes.
“But I was so scared of the way I wanted you and how badly I wanted it,” Jeongguk confesses, “I’ve never felt the way I feel about you before. For anybody.”
Mild confusion makes a home in your eyes.
He expects it before he sees it stir your features, so he’s not surprised when it appears. He finds himself smiling. Maybe because he’s wanted to tell you that since he realized it. Or maybe he wants to finally do what he should have done the night of the fight, and even before then.
Jeongguk smiles at your uncertainty because this time, he gets to make it go away. He gets to reassure you of your place in his life, of how important you are to him. Of how you’re worth trying for. He’s quick to shush you when your lips part to speak.
“No one,” he insists, “You’re so different, ___. And I feel so differently for you. I feel different when I’m with you. That’s part of why I was afraid. I was scared to want you because I didn’t know how to have you.”
Tears are making his eyes gleam, glassy in the morning light that streams through your blinds. Yours are a mirror and you don’t know how you’ve kept the drops from spilling over.
“I’m still fucking scared,” he admits, “Like you said, we’re both still scared. Because we have no god damn clue how this will turn out. If we’ll even be able to fix it and get back to the way we were. Who might be collateral damage if we can’t. If one of us will end up changing our mind. Or if we’ll end up even better; if we –me and you, together– will be the only thing that we’re sure about.”
The urge to tell him that you’ve been sure ever since you found his round little bug of a baby in your grocery store is so strong– you think you may burst because of it. Maybe the lovestruck feeling in your chest has gone supernova.
“I have no clue about anything other than the fact that I want to be with you, ___.”
Let the record show that between you and him, Jeongguk is the one to let the first tear fall during this conversation.
“I want to try.”
“Yeah–”
“If you’ll let me, I want to try for you. And if you’ll have me, I want to try with you. Because if we don’t at least try– I think I’ll wish that we did forever.”
When you beam at him and exhale a simple, ‘Okay’ and Jeongguk echoes it, he thinks this is all too easy.
But then he remembers how everything with you has always been that way. Maybe not too easy, but just right. Concerning you, the hardest thing he’s had to do is be without.
He brings your hand to his lips, brushing your knuckles with a sweet, kiss. “I want to be with you,” he tells you again.
You bite your lip to suppress your smile. “Then be with me.”
This time he’s the one saying ‘Okay’ and you’re the one echoing.
Until backtrack with a pout. “What… what am I? Like– to you.”
“What do you want to be?”
“Yours.”
Your answer is breathed so quickly, like you didn’t even have to think about it to know that’s what you wanted. Like that’s the only thing you’ve ever wanted. How fast you reply gives Jeongguk butterflies. Makes him giddy while he tries to calm himself as he confirms, “Mine,” before he adds quietly, a little shy, “I’ll introduce you as… my girlfriend?”
Jeongguk is so endeared when you close your eyes, wistful when you ask him to say it again in an airy voice.
“My girlfriend,” he whispers, squeezing your hand in his.
When you open your eyes to look at him and he sees unshed tears heavy on your lashline, his heart pulls in his chest and it breaks a little when you murmur, “I didn’t know if I would ever hear you say that.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long.”
A teardrop escapes the corner of your eye when you shake your head, smiling so sweetly, so happily. Jeongguk’s distracted, just taking it in and getting lost in everything that is you. So much so, that he doesn’t see it coming. Not until your arms are wrapped around his neck, his reflexively coming up to wrap around your waist like muscle memory.
Jeongguk takes a deep breath when he has you in his arms, nuzzles his nose into your hair. Pulls you impossibly closer, and he can feel how he squeezes the air out of you when you puff out a dulcet laugh into the crook of his neck.
When you bring your hand to the back of his head, the feel of your nails on his scalp and your fingers in his hair is enough to make him sigh, sink into the touch. It’s familiar. Feels like a natural progression, just like the way your cheeks brush when you pull away just slightly, only to come back. Closer this time.
His nose bumps yours, and he inhales your shaky sigh.
“I…”
“Yeah?” Jeongguk breathes.
The shift is swift. The temperament of the atmosphere smoothly transforms– going from something saccharine and tenderly sentimental to something decadently rich and heavy. The air all at once becomes thick and intoxicatingly heady; plush and ardently warm.
The build-up is gradual. At first, the sudden heady note of warmth that makes your room hazy just feels like a blanket. Like it covers softly, tickles the skin lightly. Then it begins to seep in so slowly, gradually, that it’s not noticeable until the heat of it can be felt bone deep. Until fingers shake with the desire to touch.
It starts with Jeongguk nosing along your jaw; down the length of your neck when you tilt your head to the side for him. It starts with the occasional, accidental brush of his lips against your skin. It starts with your hand gripping tight in his hair, a subtle try at pulling him in to keep him near.
It ends with a kiss.
Albeit, a fleeting one– but still a kiss nonetheless.
Pulling himself back, Jeongguk’s features are tensed. Eyes squeezed shut, teeth gritted as he struggles with himself. He’s rough when he gets a hold of you by your waist. His fingers digging in harshly; almost like he doesn’t realize how he’s handling you. But he’s gentle when pushes you away to put some space between you.
“Why–” you whisper, needy, as you bring your palms to cover his grip at your waist. You pet at the backs of his hands, coaxing him into letting them roam. You guide his touch down to your hips when he gives in briefly, encouraging him to touch you.
“I don’t know if– Maybe we shouldn’t–”
You crowd his space, bringing yourself to your knees and pushing his palms down to where the hem of your too-big sweatshirt grazes high on your bare thigh. Jeongguk groans after he loses his short internal battle. Can’t rob himself of squeezing at the meat of your thighs just for a second before he’s trying to pull his hands from yours.
He doesn’t get very far because you end up cradling his face in your hands, angling his head up to look at you. And Jeongguk’s always been so easy for you. It’s no surprise how easily he yields to the movement; how easy his eyes slip shut. How easily he parts his lips when your tongue teases the seam; how easy it is to get lost in the taste of you.
“Shouldn’t what, Gguk?” you ask in a soft voice. Each word spoken between the kisses you’re trailing down the column of his neck.
Jeongguk keeps his hands mostly to himself. Awkwardly letting them hover by your sides as he searches his brain, trying to recall the reason why he’s clinging to his resolve. It is so hard though, when you’re right in front of him. So willing and eager to let him have you. He finds himself following your lips when you barely let the plush center graze his cupid’s bow.
“Maybe we should… take it slow?” he offers, dazedly. It wasn’t supposed to sound like a question, but Jeongguk can’t help the way his voice carries up at the tail end like he’s not sure that’s really what he wants.
A little giggle falls from your lips, puffs hotly over his. And Jeongguk’s never thought you evil before, but right now he’s certain that you are. Because, with wistful mirth still in your voice, all you do is nod like you’re simply humoring him and say, “Yeah, maybe.”
Then you kiss him again, sighing a delicate, ‘Touch me’ against his lips.
You bring his awkward hands to your body, placing them on your tits, urging him to cup and squeeze over your sweatshirt.
Jeongguk exhales shakily, unable to keep himself from rolling them in his palms.
“Yeah,” you whisper, “Please.”
His hold on your chest turns rough, accidentally letting his pent-up frustration out through his touch and taking it out on you. It doesn’t hurt, not really, but you still whine. Let out a high, airy keen as your eyes slip shut and your head tilts back.
There’s no warning. Only Jeongguk’s hands moving to your shoulders, followed by a push and then a tumble, ending with you on your back and Jeongguk hovering over you. He’s got your wrists pinned by your head, and he looks down at you with dark eyes. The frustration in them juxtaposes the surprise in yours.
“You know that’s not fair, ___,” he chides. His tone is harsh, trying to sound stern, maybe angry– but there’s a slight waver in his voice that tells you he’s struggling to stay collected.
Fussily, you squirm under him. You tug against the hold he has on your wrists, only for him to squeeze tighter. You cant your hips in an attempt to rub up against his, only for Jeongguk to just lift them higher. A laugh of incredulity pairs the disbelief on his face when he glances between your wiggling frame and your irritated pout.
“I’m trying to do things right,” he explains around his bemusement, as he roughly presses your wrists deeper into the mattress. “I’m trying to be good.”
You stare up at him with pinched brows. He looks so pretty above you. Flushed a pretty pink with his lips parted and plumped by the kisses you managed to steal. A stray, misplaced strand of hair flutters with his heavy breathing. His eyes keep flitting down to your lips, and you can physically see how much he wants you; how hard it is for him to fight it.
When he finally lowers his body to yours, it’s almost defeatedly. Jeongguk gives in and just rests his weight on you. Presses himself against you, hot and hard between your legs. Finding his place easily when you open up and make room for him.
He keeps that pressure on his cock while he exhales a trembling, almost relieved sigh. His nose brushes yours but when you tilt your head to connect your lips, he pulls back. He does it again, taunting you with almost-kisses until you’re craning your neck again.
He doesn’t kiss you back when he lets your lips connect. In fact, you can feel how he purses his stubbornly. You stay determined, unswayed by his resistance. Your soft kisses inch from his mouth to pepper cute, all over his blushing skin. The scar on his cheek, the bridge of his nose. The just barely off-center freckle beneath his bottom lip. When your palm naturally settles on his neck, fingertips over his pulse point, you let out a breathy noise of wonder when you feel how fast his heart is racing.
And he feels his cock kick shamefully in his pants, letting out a breathy noise of his own. You feel it too and you coo, soft and fond, as you trail your other hand down his spine until it’s flat on the small of his back, pressing encouragingly.
Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, Jeongguk hangs his head to get closer to you. He bites gently at the pudge of your cheek, letting his teeth drag lightly until he’s mouthed hot, all the way to your ear.
“Why won’t you let me be good?” he whispers.
He croons prettily against the shell of your ear before he nips teasingly at your earlobe. A heat curls in your belly, making you suck in a short, whiny breath. The insides of your thighs clamp tight around his frame.
“Be good to me,” you gasp, arching up into him.
Jeongguk moans quietly and buries his face in your neck when he can’t stop his hips from stuttering into a clumsy rhythm. Sloppily rutting his cock over your panties, uncoordinated and eager.
Maybe he’s overly sensitive, hyperaware of your body underneath him, but when you begin to roll your hips, meeting his and matching his pace– he can feel how the little bit of added pressure has you opening up for him. Just enough for his hard-on to slide between, barely pillowed by your panty-covered pussylips. Even through the clothing, he can feel the difference. Like he knows you can.
He hears the unexpected moan you let out when you feel his cock rut over your clit and he feels the way your nails dig into his back at the sudden enhanced pleasure before he shifts to rest on his forearms so he can see too.
And what a pretty sight you are.
Eyes hazy and heavy, half-lidded as you look down your body to where he’s making you feel good. Cheeks flushed a rosy pink with arousal and maybe a little bit of abashment when you glance up at him and see him already watching you. You give him a small, shy grin before letting your eyes flutter closed. Basking in how he’s making you feel, your mouth falling open in a silent moan.
As he takes you in, his lips part with a low groan. His own pleasure coming from pleasuring you; heightened by every noise, look, and movement you make. Jeongguk gets such a specific satisfaction and gratification from making you feel good. From being good to you.
“Is this what you want?” Jeongguk whispers, slowing down some. He settles into a steadier pace, rutting his cock up and down on your cunt with slow, lazy drags.
He grins to himself because of how quick you are to nod and let him know that, yes, this is what you want. His hand comes up to smooth some of the flyaways that have sprouted from your squirming and he cups your cheek when your turn into his touch.
“Hmm?” he prompts, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
You huff, annoyed, and he can’t help but coo, smitten.
“Yeah– yes I want this, but I–,” you start off strong. You hold his gaze until shyness wins and has you focusing on the necklace dangling from his neck. The LV sways some as he continues to rock his hips. “I want more, too.”
“Yeah?” Jeongguk asks, a smile lacing his dreamy tone. He gives a quick, soft peck to your red-bitten lips in lieu of letting you answer. “I know you do,” he tells you, murmurs it with open-mouthed kisses against your throat. He pulls at the neck of your sweatshirt, draws a violet into your collarbone, using his lips as the pen. Then he tugs the thin skin between his teeth briefly, making you inhale harshly before he kisses it better.
“Gonna take care of you,” he promises, “take my time with you.”
Jeongguk proceeds at his own languid speed, lingering on every new inch of skin that’s revealed as he rids you of your sweatshirt. Of your panties.
He allows you your own pace as well.
Doesn’t spur you on when you’re slow to open up his dress shirt, doesn’t goad you into nimble quickness when your fingers stumble and it takes you far longer than it should to undo all the buttons. He doesn’t hurry you when your touch drags over his skin, or when your palms falter at his shoulders, or when your fingertips lag all the way down his arms when you finally slide the button-up off. When your shaky hands bide their time, hesitating at the buckle of his belt, he doesn’t rush you.
Jeongguk takes his time –and lets you take yours– as if time itself doesn’t exist when it’s passing between the both of you. As if each moment that comes and each moment that goes is inconsequential because moments are meaningless and time is simply a concept when forever is right now.
Nothing really matters and there’s no need to rush when he’s in your hands and you’re in his arms and forever is in his heart.
“Not yet,” he lilts, grabbing your wrists and sliding the flat of your palms up his tummy and away from his waistline.
“But I–”
“But I–” he flirts coyly.
Your mouth opens to argue, but the words never get a voice. His mien makes the words in your throat fall mute and causes a feeling of wistfulness to rouse in your heart.
Knelt on his knees between your legs, smiling down at you, playful and flirty. Happy. Wearing a pink full-body flush– Jeongguk is stunning. Distractingly so.
He’s glowing; gentle yet radiant. A quiet fondness reflected in his eyes as he looks at you with that well-worn adoration of his. It’s a familiar affection. One that you’ve missed, yearned for, and memorized– one that you’ve tried to unlearn and tried to forget, too, because of how much it ached to remember.
Nostalgia is a wonted thing that taints good memories until it hurts to remember them. It warped the memory of Jeongguk’s adoration until even just a fleeting thought about it hurt. It made you want to wipe your memory clean just to be freed from the yearning.
But with him looking at you the way he is, with that same raw adoration, you can’t fathom how you wanted to forget how it made you feel. How it still makes you feel. Because how good does it feel to be adored? How good does it feel to be wanted? How good does it feel to be finally his?
You dig your nails into his skin at the thought, and his tummy tenses. His grip on your wrists tightens and he lets out a soft hiss, the sound buoyed by a light, airy chuckle.
His thumbs run over the pulse points in your wrists. “Lean against the headboard for me? Get comfy?”
Cushioned by a few pillows, you do as he says, sinking into the down. Your knees are bent, and your arms are wrapped over your middle, now hyper-aware of how exposed you are comparatively.
Jeongguk’s top half is just as bare as you, only his necklace still on. But even though his lower body is covered, his bottoms are unforgiving. Dark slacks belted at his hips, the slight dip by his hipbones accentuated and his v-lines disappearing into the waistband where his cock is tucked away. Too hard and heavy to disguise, clothes doing almost nothing.
Not that he’s trying to hide it much at all. He’s palming himself casually, his touch light and his eyes dark. Tracking your movements while he waits for you to get settled.
When you are, Jeongguk makes his way to you, his hands resting on your knees as he lets his gaze roam. From your eyes to your lips, to your pillowy tits, to your closed legs. You feel a light pressure, almost tentative like he’s asking for permission with his touch.
He’s on his best behavior though, so he asks you as well. And when you hear how his voice comes out a little deeper, with an almost imperceptible tremble, as he gently asks, “Can I?”, your lashes flutter and your thighs reflexively press together, before you let him guide them open.
Time isn’t real, but any time in your bed shouldn’t go to waste. So he swiftly resituates himself, resting between your spread legs with his lips naturally finding their place on your neck, his hands on your skin.
Jeongguk’s quick, but attentive, as he relocates his mouth. The spit from his kiss marks leave a faint, wet trail from where they start at your neck down to the swell of your tits. He sighs when he gets a hold of them, jiggling a bit and squeezing. He glances at you through his lashes, as he plays your nipples, teasing them till they’re hardened by his touch. He smiles to himself when he sees you bring your bottom lip between your teeth to keep quiet.
When he uses his lips to tease, he hears you sigh an airy, pleased sound. He’s smug as he swirls his tongue, flicks lightly over the stiff little peak. You take a deep breath, your chest expanding and pushing into him, before it’s released in a stuttery exhale. When you get a hold of his hair, the strands curl around your fingers, softly, like how you hold him close and cradle him to your chest.
He gives the paired nipple the same attention. Has you mewling prettily with each lick and suck. Whining with each bite and tug.
As he follows the length of your body, he does so with small, suctioning bites. A little nip just below your sternum, a little nip under your ribs. One at the softest part of your lower belly, right next to the pink heart of your belly ring. He gives the jewel a tiny, baby kiss.
“This is the same one that you had in the first time we…” he stammers, too aware of the blush that simmers just under his skin at the thought. “We… you know… right?”
Jeongguk’s laying on his front, his head resting against your inner thigh. His arms wrapped around your legs, resting on your belly. The tattooed fingers of his right hand absently toy with the dangly part of the jewelry.
Something warms you from the inside, pleasantly surprised by the mushy, lovesick feeling that washes over you. Your heart beats, rapid in your chest, and you wonder if Jeongguk can feel the whirlwind of butterflies in your tummy under his palms.
You nod, blushingly and shy. “Yeah, it’s… yeah.”
“Just as cute as I remember,” he nods back. The puffs under Jeongguk’s eyes form when he smiles and adds, “This one is my favorite… Gonna make you feel good now, okay?”
He says it so casually, that you want to laugh a little, but the anticipation it sparks makes you tense. Your pussy clenches on nothing, and you can feel that tell-tale heartbeat pulse between your legs.
“Okay… yeah…” you whisper dumbly, trying to hide how eager you are. You slowly open your legs a little wider so you can see him better, so he can touch you better.
Jeongguk switches from having one of his hands wrapped around your thigh to it resting palm down on your mons. He uses his thumb to lightly run along your plump folds, up and down. His eyes are fixed on your pussy, and his tongue peeks out to wet his lips a little before he nibbles on the inside of his lip, a soft smile making the corners curl.
“Just as cute as I remember,” he says again, his tone playful and a little wistful this time. He kisses just above your slit.
Past lovers had said your cunt was pretty or maybe perfect when they found themselves between your legs, but Jeongguk has always called your pussy cute. It’s just a thing he does. And you don’t know why, but it never fails to make you blush, a little giddy and shy– something just so simple and sweet about his word of choice.
Even now, it has you wiggling and trying to inch your legs closed as you bring your hands up to hide your face. It’s whiny, but you both know you don’t really mean it when you say, “Stooooop” the word dragged out and laced with pleased flattery.
You can feel Jeongguk’s warm laughter puff over your cunt as he urges you to keep your legs spread. He hums as the giggles subside and says, “Don’t be shy now, I’m just getting started.”
A wistful sigh sounds, and it’s soft and cute and taunting when you say, “Okay well, hurry up.”
You shift slightly here and there to get more comfortable, running a hand through your hair as you resist the urge to smile back at Jeongguk when he gives you a look. When you bring your arm down from your hair, Jeongguk snags it, guiding your hand to your cunt. But when you start to play yourself he stops you, tuttingly.
“Don’t touch, just– open up for me,” he instructs, “Show me.”
Jeongguk groans under his breath when you do as he says. When he stroked over your pussy lips just a moment ago, they were plush and smooth, soft to the touch with your arousal tucked neatly between your folds. But with them spread, he can see how you’re glossy with slick; so dewy when he’s barely even touched you.
“You’re already so wet. How long have you been like this, hmm?” he wonders aloud, gathering a small bit of the sticky clear at your opening with his finger before just barely pushing it inside. Kind of like he’s trying to put the little droplet back where it came from; not let it go to waste. Then he brings his touch to your clit and your pussy slick aids the up and down swipes of his thumb.
“Ah– fuck,” you faintly gasp.
Jeongguk’s cock pulses as you bring your other hand down, using both to spread yourself open more and pull back the hood of your clit. Making sure his touch is direct and the sensation feels as good as possible. The thought of you already being so greedy for pleasure is enough for him to leak, precum surely leaving a wet patch in his briefs.
Even though he’s being gentle, when he rubs over your exposed clit, you shy away from his touch despite being so fiendish for it. Jeongguk babies you with a coo because he knows that you’re probably so sensitive. You gave yourself almost no time to warm up, afterall.
“Too much?” he asks you.
With a shake of your head, you say, “No, no… just– slowly, please.”
Your words make him smile and he gives your inner thigh a honeyed kiss for being so good. The smile lingers because slow is the pace he always intended to use, at your request or not. It’s how he intends to finish you too. For the first time, at least.
Jeongguk keeps that slow speed until your body relaxes and another few drops of clear slick drip for your cunt. The thumb of his other hand rubs softly over your taint as he collects what you leak and tucks it back inside. Your pussy clenches and your hole puckers at the sensation every time, and it makes him fucking throb.
The thumb on your clit only speeds up enough for it to not be torturous or agonizingly slow, the pace satisfying but remaining lax and unhurried, like he has all the time in the world. Once he finds a good rhythm, he keeps the motions constant and consistent.
When you start to get antsy and fidget, he smiles to himself knowingly.
“Feels good, baby?” he asks you, and when you nod, he whispers, “Yeah? Look so pretty…”
And you didn’t lie. It does feel good. But he doesn’t go any faster. He doesn’t push the fingers at your opening in any farther. And after a handful of seconds that feel like minutes that feel like hours– there still isn’t any indication that he plans to.
When you roll your hips, trying to hint at what you want, Jeongguk stops you with a scolded tsk, telling you to stay still. The sound you let out is frustrated and petulant.
There’s a taunting note in Jeongguk’s voice when he says, “I thought you said it feels good?”
“It does,” you tell him, “But– faster?”
Jeongguk’s expression is entertained, chuffed even. “I told you I was gonna take my time with you. Need you to be patient for me, baby–”
“Please–”
“Hush, ___.”
There’s still lingering amusement in his tone, but there’s also a sharpness, a hint of disapproval and something stern that wasn’t there before. It’s enough of a warning to silence the begging on the tip of your tongue.
“I’ll get you there, baby,” he says, his voice sweet again. “It’ll feel so good, I promise.”
It’s quiet for a moment. Then–
“I changed my mind, it doesn’t feel good.”
Jeongguk doesn’t even look up from your pussy when he asks a preoccupied, “No?” Then he peeks at you, and when you give a pouty nod he hums. It’s smiling and mirthful when he dismisses you. “Well, don’t worry. It will soon.”
Jeongguk is content between your thighs, still playing with your clit slowly. He only checks on you when your squirming mostly stops and you become suspiciously mute.
He snorts when he sees you scowling at him. “Don’t look at me like that.” After a few seconds with no response, he continues with, “Oh, so you’re going to be difficult now?”
You shrug, snooty.
Laughing, he asks, “You’re really gonna act like it doesn’t feel good?” The corners of his lips curl softly and his eyes narrow like he’s scrutinizing you. His head tilts a little when he continues with, “Like you’re not leaking, right now? Like you wouldn’t be making a mess on your sheets if I wasn’t helping you?”
Jeongguk watches your cheeks steadily turn a deep pink at his words until you look away from him, turning your nose in the air. You probably would have covered your face with your hands to avoid his gaze had they not been occupied.
He chuckles again when he’s only met more silence. Just the slightest squirm when he tucks another leaked droplet back into your cunt. To make a point.
“That’s okay, you can be mad at me as long as you’re patient, too,” he says, tone grossly fond and a perfect example of the patience he wants from you. “Still gonna make you cum. Still gonna be good to you and give you what you want.”
And it seems what people say about patience being a virtue and all that, is true. Because just like Jeongguk said, with just a bit more time and some decorum, it does start to feel even better.
Like the way he’s been touching you, the come-up is slow and steady. The hot waves of pleasure that ebb in your lower belly. The rise and fall of your chest that gradually gets faster. The noises that get harder and harder to keep in.
Jeongguk doesn’t need to hear you, though, to know he’s getting you there. But he’s enjoying this brattier side of you –he remembers you being difficult every now and then, but overall you were always so good for him; never fought him too hard on things– so he humors you by asking, “Starting to feel nice, baby?”
Everso tart, you shrug again, looking off to the side.
Still, Jeongguk doesn’t need to see your face to know he’s getting you there. Your pussy is a whistleblower, telling him everything he needs to know. Your cunt– leaking non-stop, contracting constantly. Your tiny clit– now puffy and swollen from all his attention.
Your fingers holding your pussy lips apart for him have a mild tremor. Your brows are arched when you finally give him your attention again, watching his thumb swipe up and down, over and over again. Your legs are beginning to tremble beside him. Your head is lulling back, and your lungs are exhaling a lewd sigh.
“I– I’m close,” you whisper, breathlessly.
Jeongguk purrs, is just about to tease you and your stubbornness with something along the line of ‘Really? Thought it didn’t feel good, ___’. But he doesn’t get the chance because of how close the string in you is to snapping. How it’s pulled so taut that it has you near tears, that slow and steady come-up finally peaking.
“Oh my god, Gguk– my– my pussy’s gonna cum,” you cry quietly, legs shaking as you struggle to keep them open.
“Mhm, I told you, baby,” he hums, smug, “Let me see how good it feels.”
Your face is turned into your shoulder, but you nod for him. Focusing on the ruining, slow, consistent rubbing of his thumb. The pleasure is so mind-numbingly good that, as much as you want to cum, you try to make it last as long as possible.
Which isn’t much longer at all, only a few more vertical swipes over your clit is all you can handle before you’re mewing a soft warning and cumming so hard your body convulses.
“That’s my girl. So pretty, baby. Did so good; always such a good girl for me,” Jeongguk praises, full of lust-filled awe as he watches you finish. He feels your clit pulsing under his thumb and he sees your cunt squeezing repeatedly around nothing and now he that he’s not preventing it, he sees how your pussy cums– leaking everything that he tucked away and dripping down to your sheets. Making a mess like he knew it would.
He continues to rub your clit until your body twitches, curling in on yourself as you close your legs and bring them to your chest. Wrapping your arms around the backs of your knees and pulling your legs to your chest, you curl into yourself for protection as Jeongguk moves to shed himself of the rest of his clothes. Then he sits on his heels while he watches you, amused.
Even though you’ve made a great attempt at hiding your pussy away, with the way you’re positioned it still peeks out from between your thighs. Puffy and shiny.
You’re on your back with your eyes closed, still catching your breath. The feel of Jeongguk’s hands on you makes you jump, and when his touch moves form the backs of your thighs closer to your sensitive cunt, you whine, kicking at his arms weakly.
“Shh,” he murmurs, “I won’t touch, I just want to look.”
Somewhat soothed by his words, you begin to shift to a more relaxed position but Jeongguk pushes your legs back together and your knees back to your chest.
You gripe at being manhandled. “What if I want to see, too?”
“You don’t need to see if I tell you what I see,” Jeongguk reasons.
“It’s mine,” you argue.
“Ours,” he corrects.
After telling Jeongguk that he’s dumb and asking him to please shut up, both of you dissolve into a fit of laughter. When you kick again, trying to get his shoulder as punishment, he gets a grip on your leg before you can land the hit and he kisses your ankle. You sigh.
It’s quiet, and you’re content letting Jeongguk pet at you, listening as he tells you about what he sees. He says cute a few times. Wet, messy. His fingers brush over your folds, even plumper than before, and you can feel the sticky wetness that stays behind when he moves his touch to somewhere else.
When he uses his thumbs to part your pussy lips, you hear him whine. The breathy noise makes you grin, and you hum lightly.
“Still cute?” you ask aloud. Eyes on the ceiling, smile still on your lips.
Jeongguk knows he said he wouldn’t touch, but he doesn’t think you’re too sensitive anymore. He still bypasses your clit just in case when he slowly runs his fingertip to your opening. When he presses into the second knuckle, you moan sweetly and the sound mixes with the audible wetness. There’s a crystalline string still attached to his finger when he pulls away.
“Mhmm,” Jeongguk hums, answering your question. “But so messy.”
You bite your lip when Jeongguk slips his finger in again, a little father this time.
“Clean me up, then,” you whisper, airy and wispy.
Jeongguk hums and when you look to the sound, you can see him peeking at you over your bent knees that are still pulled to your chest. He scrunches his nose at you cutely, and you mirror the curve of his lips.
“I guess I should, since I’m the one who made you make such a mess,” he hums, like he’s mulling it over. But the fact that he does so while lowering his face to your cunt shows that he’s already made his decision.
In this position, you can’t see him and it makes you tense in anticipation while you wait.
Jeongguk knows it’s a little mean to keep you waiting, but he can see you so perfectly like this. Can see how you’re trying control your arousal and calm yourself down with deep breaths. He can see how it’s not working.
“You’re shaking,” he observes dreamily.
Your pussy leaks and he watches that glossy slick drip down. He uses his pointer finger to play with the droplet at your hole, swirling the dewiness around the cinched muscle.
The sigh you let out is stuttered, and your hole clenches under his touch before you force yourself to relax again. You swallow your embarrassment before you admit, “I want it really bad, Gguk.”
You sound like you’re close to crying and Jeongguk soothes you with wet kisses on your thighs.
“All you have to do is ask, baby,” Jeongguk tells you gently. His kisses move till they’re right next to your pussy, his tongue poking out to lick just outside your folds. His thumbs pull you open and he blows lightly.
“Oh my god,” you whimper.
Jeongguk’s voice is full of flirty, mirth when he asks, “What do you say? Hmm?”
The heartbeat in your cunt is the only thing you can focus on. The pulsing is so loud and strong that it drowns everything else out. You don’t even really hear it when you sigh a hazy, “Please, sir.”
Predictably, your words go straight to his cock. But weirdly enough, he also feels them in his heart? He can’t explain it but somehow the lust thrumming through him melts into something fond? A lovesick impulse has him opening your legs so he can slot himself in between.
He doesn’t lay on you but holds himself above on a braced arm. His free hand comes up to cup your cheek as he looks at you. The corners of your eyes are damp, confirming the tears he thought he had heard in your voice earlier. Your lips are redder and a bit swelled, probably from you pulling them between your teeth.
Jeongguk kisses the corner of one eye, then the other, and then your lips. His thumb glides over your cheekbone. He sounds gentle when he says, “No ‘sir’ today, okay? Just Gguk.”
You nod in his hold.
“Good girl,” he smiles, soft and sweet. “I’ll clean you up now, won’t tease you anymore.”
You breathe a relieved sigh as Jeongguk kisses all the way down your tummy and you think about how good it’s going to feel, after all this time, to have his mouth all over your cunt. To feel his tongue licking into you, deep and slow. To feel his lips wrapping around your clit with light sucks.
The closer Jeongguk gets to your pussy, the harder it is to keep still. He smiles as you squirm and you can feel it in the juncture of your inner thigh where his mouth has strayed. It’s not too long before he gets back on track, kissing his way to your pussy till his lips are tucked between your plush folds and the tip of his tongue is circling your clit.
Your mouth drops open in a silent moan as you sit up, resting on your elbows to watch him. Just the sight of him is enough to make the first surge of heat curl in your belly. He’s got his eyes closed, lashes sitting pretty on the highs of his cheek as he licks at you. Cleaning you up and making a mess of you all at once.
“You look so pretty,” you whisper as you card a hand through his hair, pushing the stands off his forehead and out of his face.
Without stopping his tongue, Jeongguk glances up at you, his eyes half-lidded and hazy. He moans pleased and happy into your pussy. Only pulls away for a second to whisper a cute ‘thank you’.
His tongue is busy and so are his hands, running them up your body. When he gets to your tits, he’s harsh. Digging in and squeezing with palms that are just as greedy as his mouth. He uses the hold he has on them to pull himself closer, push his tongue deeper. The harshness of his touch makes you hiss, the hand you have in his hair tugging.
Jeongguk’s eyes roll back a little before he loosens grip, squeezing your tits once more, gently this time, as an apology. Then he’s smoothing his palms along your waist till one’s wrapped around your thigh and the other’s resting on your tummy.
He pulls away briefly to look at you, offering a sheepish grin before he pecks just above your slit. The hand he has on your belly absently fiddles with your bellyring.
“Sorry,” he says, “I just– I don’t know, I didn’t notice how rough I was being.”
You hum while you rest your feet on his back and wiggle your toes.
“I think I’ve just been wanting you for so long…” He turns his head and nuzzles into your leg by his head, his hair tickling the sensitive skin. “And now that I have you, I–” His lips graze your inner thigh with every word and when he’s at the softest part, he bites gently.
On a sigh, you ask, “You what?”
Resting where his teeth just were, he tilts his head, looking up at you. “It’s hard for me to control myself. I just– can’t get enough of you.” His words are said with a sigh and uttered in between roaming wet kisses.
After he promises he’ll be more careful with you, he begins to lick broad stripes over your cunt. When you spread your legs wider, you can feel the flat of his tongue against your clit. But it’s just slightly, just a brush of his tongue.
“My clit,” you moan, looking down your nose at him, “Play with my clit.”
He hums, pulling back a little. With your legs parted so wide, your pussy lips are spread just enough for him to see the little bud. He watches you as he uses the very tip of his tongue, flicking repeatedly over the sensitive spot just under your hood.
Your brows pinch and your legs twitch as they naturally try to inch close, the feel of Jeongguk’s tongue so good and so much that your body is already on the verge of being overwhelmed.
“Ah– yeah, like that, Gguk,” you sigh letting your head roll back, basking in how good he’s making you feel, “Keep licking my pussy like that.”
Your eyes lull shut while you let him make you feel good, and it’s then that you notice his hand on your tummy is still toying with your piercing. It’s distracting only for a moment, only before you realize that every time he does something to your clit with his tongue, he does the same to the dangly part of the jewelry with his fingers.
When Jeongguk circles your clit, he twirls the charm. When he licks up and down over your clit, the little heart gets flicked too. When he suctions his lips and sucks your clit in and out of his mouth, he tugs gently on your belly ring.
You can’t be sure if he’s doing it on purpose. One part of you thinking the patterns match up too well for it to be unconscious, the other part thinking it could just be an absentminded coincidence. You also can’t be sure why the nuanced touches are making the pleasure in your gut curl so tight; burn so hot.
“Gguk– you’re gonna make me cum again…” you drone, lustdrunk.
He smiles while his tongue continues to lick lightly. “Am I?”
While looking down your body at him, you nod. Your body already pulling taut with the tension that always preludes your orgasms.
Jeongguk’s lips wrap around your clit and he gives a quick sucking kiss before he pulls away with a little pop! sound. “Not yet, I’m not done cleaning you up.”
Groaning, you throw your head back. “You said you weren’t gonna tease anymore.”
“I did,” he confirms, his big palms finding the backs of your thighs and pushing them back, “But not so you could cum– so I could clean up your mess–”
“Your mess–”
“Our mess,” he amends, the tips of his fingers straying to the newly exposed parts of you. Jeongguk brushes over your hole, and you suck in a small gasp. “You’re messy here too, baby.”
Whining softly, you squirm as Jeongguk presses light, sucking kisses into your skin and there’s a subconscious urge to close your legs to keep him from getting where he so clearly intends. At the first signs of subtle hesitance, you feel his hands hold your legs open more firmly
“Let me?” he breathes, “Please?”
And something about how his voice is so soft –hazy and dreamy and full of so much lust and desire– has you relaxing, giving in. Docile and pliant in his hands.
You suppose some things may never change.
The first feel of his tongue tasting you where no one has before makes you exhale a shaky sigh. Your hole puckering under the featherlight licks he gives. When he circles the cinched muscle, your mouth falls open and you look down your body and between your open legs to where Jeongguk already has his eyes on you.
His eyes get little puffs under them when he sees your reaction and smiles. The confusedly pleasured pinch of your brows. The tense way your hands grip the sheets under you.
Giving your cheek a quick peck, he asks, “Feels good, doesn’t it?”
It makes the memory of him –hot and hard and leaking with your tongue on his hole– flash in your mind. It reminds you that he knows what he’s doing to you, that he knows he’s making you feel good because you made him feel the same way. Sure the anatomy’s different, but a tongue is a tongue and a hole is a hole.
In lieu of being difficult, you answer him with a moan; with your head hitting your pillows again.
That’s confirmation enough for Jeongguk as he echoes your moan with his own. He wraps his lips around the tight muscle in a nasty wet kiss and then drags his tongue up and along your leaking center till he’s at your clit where he plays until he works you into a whiny mess.
You’re tensing, and he can feel how your body shifts as your chest expands with the deep breaths you’re taking. Like you’re trying to focus and keep yourself earthbound by delaying the impending high.
It’s a high that’s inevitable though, and you have a warning on the tip of your tongue only for it to go to waste when Jeongguk makes his way down again as soon as he senses it.
And he repeats this– alternating between rimming you tauntingly and eating you till he can tell you’re right on the edge. You can feel how he smirks and you’re sure it’s amusement that you can hear prettying up little noises he purrs. His continuous teasing has you letting out barely contained whiny keens.
But Jeongguk can tell you’re doing your best to behave. The brattish way about you from before is nowhere to be seen. Not even when he feels your body slump for the nth time, panting from another almost-orgasm he takes away.
“You’re gonna cum aren’t you?” Jeongguk wonders aloud, pulling back a little to see how your pussy clenches in anticipation.
He hears you swallow, flicks his eyes up to watch as you bring a hand up to tug a little at your hair. It trembles a little as you bring it down to his locks.
“I- yeah… just… please…” You tug, pulling him to your clit by the crown of his head and holding him there with both hands. “Just stay there, please…”
You can’t help the way that you start to roll and grind against his face. Jeongguk’s lips and his tongue rubbing against you repeatedly with the up and down motion of your hips, and his nose bumping your clit a little every now and again.
His hands dig into your waist like he’s trying to pull you closer, suffocate himself with your cunt. It’s when he shakes his head with subtle little side to side motions over your clit that your pleasure peaks with your legs shaking before they’re closing around his head.
You cum hard and quietly, hushed ‘don’t stop’s and ‘keep going’s tumbling from your lips as you hold his mouth against you until you can’t take it anymore. You use one hand to pull him away by the hair, your other coming down to press against your still pulsing pussy.
With the hold you still have in his hair, you deliriously guide and maneuver him upwards. You’re still trying to catch your breath, so the quiet awed, ‘Whoa…’ you voice sounds airy
The position you’ve got Jeongguk in now has him straddling you across your upper torso with strong thighs caging you in. His cock bobbing a little right in your face. Heavy and flushed, the tip an angry shade of pink and shiny with precum. It’s instinctive when you reach out with your small hand to wrap around the base. And again, something awe-filled tumbles from your mouth.
“You’re so hard…”
The words float past your lips in the form of a breathless whisper, your lashes fluttering as your gaze jumps from his cock to his face. Your hand strokes lightly, just your fingertips running over the warm, silky skin.
“Missed you,” Jeongguk says with a tiny, unabashed shrug. As if that’s explanation enough for the state he’s in.
He smiles with his bottom lip tugged between his teeth and you smile back.
The pad of your thumb rubs at the underside of the crown when a drop of precum leaks, massaging it in messily. “Can I use my mouth?”
“Mhmm,” Jeongguk sounds, not trusting his voice enough to not shake.
You begin by placing weighted kisses along his length, starting at the base till your lips pucker around the slit. The heady taste of precum makes you purr, moaning softly. Jeongguk’s hips cant forward, and when you glance up you can see how his head has rolled back.
Smiling at how affected he already is by the smallest things, you run your teeth over the sensitive head. You anticipate the hiss that Jeongguk sucks in. Your tongue swirls around to soothe and to taste before your mouth opens to swallow.
The tip of his cock barely grazes the back of your throat before Jeongguke is pulling his hips back and choking just slightly on the whiny gasp that gets caught in his throat. He threads a hand in your hair and tugs you off.
Your forehead is resting against his lower tummy, and you giggle a little before you kiss at the slight jutting of his hipbone. His cock throbs, and he groans.
“What’s wrong?” you ask, smiling into him.
You can feel his fingers massage lightly at your scalp, and when you glance up at him, he’s looking down at you, lovesick as he rolls his eyes at your playfully.
“Go slow, okay?” he asks softly, “Tease me a little?”
Closing your eyes briefly as you let the sound of his moonstruck voice wash over you, you kiss sweetly at his hip once more before giving small kitten licks to the warm, flushed skin of his cock. He sighs like he’s in love.
“Like this?” you ask, coquettishly.
Jeongguk nods when you look up at him with your mouth open and the tip of your tongue flicking lightly.
“Lick the tip,” he whispers while he gets a hold of himself and guides it to your mouth.
You keep your eyes on him as you slowly drag the flat of your tongue with long licks.
“Good… that’s good baby…” he says airily.
Jeongguk glances down his nose at you for just a moment longer before his head is rolling back, and he’s moaning. His little sounds are quiet, but they’re almost constant. And you’re really not doing much, just licking softly at his frenulum, but you can already feel how his cock is getting stiffer, can see how the muscles in his tummy tense and untense… like he’s already getting close.
Kissing the crown, you pull away, stroking over him lazily. Squeezing at the base when he kicks in your palm. “Already?” you ask gently.
Jeongguk’s eyes are squeezed shut, like he’s trying to keep his composure, but at your choice of words, he laughs lightly. “Yes, already,” he tells you, pointedly. “That’s why I said to go slow.”
Slow is good for you. Slow lets you take it all in. Take all of him in.
Slow lets you tease drop after drop of precum out; lets you coax your name from Jeongguk’s lip over and over again until you’re sure you’ll hear his lovechants in your dreams tonight. Slow lets you memorize the way that his hands twitch wherever they touch you, how he gasps when your tongue does something that feels extra nice, how he whines when you bring your free hand up and roll his balls in your palm.
He’s a bit predictable, endearingly so with the blush on his cheeks as he urges the hand toying with his balls a little farther back. You smile to yourself as you touch him, rubbing at his taint and taking a moment to just watch his face.
Jeongguk’s eyes are shut, mouth just barely parted. His brows pinch just slightly when you inch your touch farther back and the cinched muscle clenches briefly under your fingertips, before he relaxes. It’s light and hazy when he whispers, “Yeah, baby…”
The light circles you’re tracing around Jeongguk’s hole have his cock throbbing. You have to wrap your lips around the head to keep him still enough to taste and properly tease, sucking with tiny bobs of your head as you drink down everything he leaks.
“I– ___, oh my god–” Jeongguk pants, looking down at you, like he can’t believe you or your mouth, can’t believe how good it feels to have you again.
You hum, lips still wrapped around the tip of his cock as you smile up at him as best you can. His chest expands with a sharp inhale when you press your fingers a littler firmer against his hole.
“Want me to put them in?” you ask between the soft open-mouthed kisses you press to his cock.
The sound that Jeongguk lets out makes your kisses cease and has you sinking your teeth into your bottom lip. Your thighs rub together, and your pussy is needy between them.
Jeongguk’s never done it before, at least not fully and with someone else. But the thought alone is almost enough to make him finish. It would be a first for you and him, together. Something he’s been wanting, craving.
He’s still trying to get his thoughts in order when you prompt him with a patient, ‘Hmm?’.
“I- No, no–” he ends up saying, “Just– just play with me.”
It’s sighed, laced with lust and contentment. Having you right now, just playing as he said, is more than enough for him. The anticipation does feel nice though, hot and sweet like a whispered promise of next time. Jeongguk wonders if you’ll ruin him.
“You just want me to play?” you ask, “You don’t want to cum?”
And Jeongguk’s sure you will. Ruin him, that is. If you haven’t already.
Your voice comes out lovily teasing, and your hands stay busy while you look up at him, eyes big and so pretty. Lips glossy with spit, maybe a little bit of his precum.
“Not– not yet?”
Jeongguk’s voice sounds unsure in your ears, and his actions contradict his words when you bring your lips to his leaking tip. His hips roll forward seemingly on their own accord, the most sensitive part of his cock rubbing against your tongue that you’ve pillowed underneath the crown.
A choked little whine falls from his open mouth before his head is lulling back and his hands are coming to your hair. Humming, you suction your lips around the head and bring the hand you don’t have busy to his hips, urging him to keep rocking his hips, slow so you can keep the pressure from your tongue constant.
“Oh my god– baby… baby–” Jeongguk moans, his gaze back on you. His brows furrowed and arched up, his mouth agape.
Under your touch, you can feel his muscles tense. How his breaths come out huffed and strained. How he sometimes tries to pull his hips away before he pushes them in like he rethought it, maybe like he never meant to. How no matter how hard he tries to keep from doing it, the stalling pace of his hips picks up.
And you can tell he’s going to cum.
He keeps muttering these fucked out little whispers of your name, of baby, of my baby. Almost like they’re warnings, maybe pleas. But not pleas for you to stop, or tease him anymore. You can hear the difference, can feel it in the way he touches you. Can taste it on your tongue with every heavy drop of precum that he’s leaking.
It’s like a string snaps in him, when he groans something deep and dissonant and his hips stop all together and his hold in your hair turns almost painful as he uses his grip to work your mouth over his cock.
“Yeah,” he breathes, “Don’t fucking stop… Gonna make me fucking cum–”
His cock is throbbing in your mouth before he even finishes his sentence. Coating your tongue in so many thick, hot shots of white. You hum, moving your fingers from massaging his taint so that you can roll his balls in your palm.
Jeongguk’s hand is shaking a little when he brings it down to cup your face, when he gently pulls you off him. His cock still fat and bobbing with the aftershocks of his orgasm. He guides your gaze to his.
He’s bracing himself above you with his forearm against your headboard, looking down at you a little sweaty and so flushed. Chest rising and falling with deep breaths. He’s got a little smile on his face when he runs the pad of his thumb over the plump of your bottom lip. Your mouth opens instinctively. The little smile on his lips grows before he’s biting it down.
His thumb presses down on the fleshy muscle, and you naturally let your lips wrap around it.
“Good girl,” he says, softly.
His words are tangible, and you close your eyes and you smile as you just let the praise glide over your body. It’s almost like you can feel each letter press a kiss into your skin.
Jeongguk’s a copycat as he too presses kisses here and there while he resituates himself. Going from straddling your ribcage to finding his home between your legs. Until you manuver him once more. He’s still home, between your legs, but on his back with you straddling him now.
Jeongguk doesn’t complain at the manhandling. Just looks up at you, rubs little nonsensical patterns just above the creases of your thighs.
“Can we do it now?”
His laugh is bright and loud at first before he gets a hold of himself, but he’s still smiling as he lets his shining eyes and his hands wander. His fingertips trialing over your skin until his gets his hands to your tits. His thumbs flick over your nipples while he hums, amused.
“Now you have to wait for me to be ready again,” he tells you conversationally, still teasing you.
You pout playfully, letting your own fingers explore, tracing the line of ink where his sleeve comes to an end on his shoulder. “So boring, Gguk,” you jest.
He scrunches his nose at you. “Why do you think I told you, ‘not yet’?”
Rolling your eyes, you reposition yourself; less over his torso and more over his hips. “Well,” you start, lowering your pussy down to where his cock lays flat on his tummy, “Waiting doesn’t have to be boring.” You drag your cunt over his still plump, but not-quite hard cock.
One of his hands quickly jerks down to get a hold of your hips and stop your movements. He hisses..
He says something about how he never said it had to be boring as you reach between your bodies and get a hold of his half-hard cock. Goes on about how he literally just came and how he needs a second to recuperate as you bring the head to your wet opening.
“Can I?” you ask vaguely, interrupting him.
He doesn’t say anything more, just gives you the littlest nod and he squeezes his eyes shut while you squeeze him into you. He’s not there yet, but he’s still sensitive and its still a tight fit.
Jeongguk looks down his chest to where you’re sitting prettily on his slowly hardening cock. His eyes roll back slightly before he’s scrubbing one of his hands over his face. “You’re–”
“Did you watch our video?” you interrupt again.
Stuttering a little bit, and winching some, Jeongguk uses the couple of seconds it takes for you to bring yourself down to him, to think.
“No, felt guilty… tried to hold out completely but ended up giving in and thinking about you…” he says, his hands finding their place at your hips..
His answer isn’t what you expected but it still has you smiling softly, chest to chest, resting on your elbows, and playing with his hair. “And what did you think about?” you muse, words breathy and flirty.
Jeongguk’s eyes instinctively dart to your curved lips. “Your mouth.”
You scrunch your nose at him cutely as you ask, “On your cock?”
He gasps when you grind your hips just a little, the movement stiffening his cock up that much more. Jeongguk can feel his cheeks heat up as he shakes his head, the hands he has on your hips moving to your thighs and then back up, squeezing and making little chills crawl across your skin.
“On my lips…” he admits quietly, licking them. “Missed kissing you.”
With a heart that grows fond in your chest, you lean down and give what he missed. Jeongguk sighs into your mouth, melts underneath you. He cranes his neck and the kiss deepens, his tongue slipping in between your lips. It’s not until you having him moaning softly into your mouth that you disconnect from him and make your way to his ear.
“Thought about you too,” you tell him, “touched myself to the thought of you missing me; wrapping your hand around your cock with me on your mind.”
Jeongguk’s fingertips dig into the fatty part of your ass, latches his lips onto the junctre between your neck and your shoulder. He sinks his teeth in just a touch to quiet his moan.
The whiny moise that you let out precedes the, “I fanatasized about the way you would fuck me when you came back to me–”
“I wanted to, but I just felt so bad–”
“Shh,” you hush him, “Doesn’t matter now…”
You finally make to move your hips for real this time, but lifting them has you letting out a tiny hiss of pain that’s followed by a cute, airy laugh. “Almost forgot how big you are.”
Jeongguk’s heart was just tugging inside his chest but now his cock is throbbing inside of you. Even as he wonders if there’s been anyone since him.
But once you get over that first hint of pain, past the initial sting of him stretching and filling you up, the only wonder is how Jeongguk survived without you for so long.
The light from your blinds peaks through your hair; wild and messy and draping over your shoulder. The long strands almost act as a curtain, hiding you and Jeongguk away. Spots of sunshine come through here and there, and they hit different parts of your body as your body becomes his body. On the tip of your nose, over the curve of your breast, the tops of your thighs.
And Jeongguk’s knows he is so fucking lucky. Not because he gets to have you like this –warmed by his touched and sunlight– but because he gets to have it again. Because he gets another chance at having you at all, after fucking it up once already.
“Gguk,” you pant, “I feel so good right now.”
You’ve gone from bouncing on his cock, to griding on it, feeling his tip rub against the deepest parts of you. Your palms are flat on his lower tummy, and when he grabs your hips, helping you move back and forth on him, your nails dig into the muscle.
It makes him moan, quiet like the little sounds that you can’t stop making.
Jeongguk knows he was basically on the verge of tears just a second ago, but he is still a man and he can’t stop himself from asking, “Who’s making you feel so good baby?”
He can tell how fucked out and how close you are because of how easily you answer him. How being stubborn and bratty doesn’t even seem to cross your mind when you moan, “You, it’s always you.”
Pulling you to his chest and fucking up into your cunt is much sweeter than it probably seems. He does so to be close to you, to feel your chest against his, to feel how your body shakes as you get closer, to feel how you bury your face into his neck to try and muffle your moans and cries.
“Yeah–” you sob into his skin, “you’re gonna make me cum– please– please, can I cum?”
Your words come out staccato and irregular, punched out one by one by his cock as he fucks you faster. But Jeongguk doen’t say anything yet, just focuses on the slick sounds your pussy is making everytime he bottoms out, on the feeling of his cock sliding in and out of the slick, velvety heat, on how his fingers sink into your ass as he squeezes and tugs and pulls your cheeks apart to bury himself as deep as he can when he cums with you.
“Fuck, baby cum for me,” Jeongguk pants, his words a little rushed as he feels it all come to a head, “Cum all over my fucking cock while I cum in your pussy.”
You don’t say anything when you cum, and neither does Jeongguk. Both cumming with nothing but gasps. Your’s sounding sweet, almost awed, as you just let your cunt squeeze and contract around Jeongguk’s cock, almost like you forgot you could cum that hard. Jeongguk’s are more guttural as his cock throbs, pulsing with each shot of cum he pumps into your pussy.
~~~
“Your roommates are actually terrifying.”
The voice makes you smile, laughing sleepily, eyes closed for just a moment longer before you turn your head to see a dishevelleddly dressed Jeongguk, holding a single glass of water in his hand.
He shrugs off his blazer that he’s wearing over his briefs (you’ve helped yourself to his button up), and sits next to where you’re laying down. He nudges you his foot till you sit up and take the water from him.
It’s a content type of quiet while you both pass the glass back and forth, sharing. It only last for a minute or two before Jeongguk is clearing your throat.
“So… what happened to your plant, hmm?”
He must have seen the pitiful looking succulent in your living room when he went to get the water. And you know he’s just messing around and that he only said it to strike conversation and fill the silence, but still, it makes something ugly stir in your gut.
“You didn’t remind me,” you say, trying to literally shrug it off and give the topic a quick stop.
But Jeongguk is giggling as he says back, “Oh, so it’s my fault?”
“Everything is your fault.”
It’s snappy and said with enough bitterness that Jeongguk is physically taken aback. But then he thinks and then he softens.
“Hey,” he says gently.
You look at him, eyes swirling with a mixture of anger and hurt.
Jeongguk brushes a little bit of your hair out of your face as he looks you over. “I know,” he acknowledges quietly. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am, but I hope with some time, you’ll be able to see it.”
You frown a little before giving him a sad small smile and you bring your hand up to cup his cheek. He turns into the touch and gives your palm a soft kiss.
“I know you’re sorry,” you tell him, “I know you are and I forgive you –my head knows that but– my heart is still sad.”
Something about how you say it reminds Jeongguk of how young you are. But not in the way it did before. Not like your youth is a burden, or a red flag. It just reminds him that he needs to be careful with you.
“I know, and that’s okay… I know it’s going to take time,” Jeongguk gives you a sad, yet understanding shrug.
And for once, it’s a good thing that time does what time is meant to. It passes and it allows things to grow; for things to heal.
“Speaking of time,” you say, lightheartedly trying to change the subject, “How long do I have you?”
“As long as you want me.”
Jeongguk’s reply is met with the most underwhelmed, flat stare you have every given him. He snorts before he says, “Till tomorrow afternoon– I have to pick up Nari.”
His heart feels like it’s going to explode in his chest when he sees how your eyes light up at the mention of his daughter, at how you jabber on with questions about her. How has she been?, Is she talking yet?, Does she still have that narwhal?
There’s a chance that he might regret it, but there’s also a chance that he might not.
So he asks, “Do you want to come with me?”
~~~
However long Jeongguk said it takes to get to his ex-wife’s house, all those months ago, escapes you.
But right now, it feels like 10 years and 10 minutes all at once.
It’s dramatic, yes, how terribly you’ve been fidgeting in the passenger seat of the Mercedes. Even Jeongguk’s big, warm hand petting at your knee can’t quell the nerves.
It’s making the atmosphere tense, and you feel bad when Jeongguk sounds like he’s walking on eggshells when he tells you, “Thank you for coming with me, I’m really happy you did.”
You feel even worse when you respond with, “I don’t think I want to go to the door with you.”
The ever-soothing hand on your leg stutters for barely a second before continuing just as it was.
“That’s totally fine,” he assures you, eyes on the road and one hand on the steering wheel. “You don’t have to, but if you change your mind, you can. It is your choice.”
The hand squeezes your thigh reassuringly.
And it’s quiet for the rest of the drive. Until Jeongguk is pulling into an empty spot in the driveway of a very big, very nice house. Right next to a Porsche.
“Of fucking course.”
“___.”
“No, you’re right,” you say, raising your hands appeasingly, “You’re right, I shouldn’t even be surprised–”
Jeongguk interrupts you with his hands on your cheeks and his lips on your.
“Shut.” He gives you one kiss. “Up.” He gives you two kiss.
His affection makes the tension in your body dissipate and your shoulders slump. “I’m sorry.”
With his thumbs rubbing over the apples of your cheeks, he gives you a small, understanding, patient smile. Then he asks if you’re sure about not coming to the door with him because he is stupid.
You tell him as much as you reiterate how you do not want to go to the door and this time, Jeongguk is the one raising his hands in surrender as he exits the car.
Leaving you alone with your thoughts.
Should you get out of the car? Wait inside? Should you have brought Nari a gift? Will she remember you? What if she doesn’t?
When you hear a distant, familiar baby-giggle, you end up opening the door and standing between Jeongguk’s car and Dasom’s. You feel a little dumb until you hear the pitter patter of little feet on the brick driveway.
“I have a surprise for you Nana,” you hear Jeongguk sing cutely.
And you hear Nari gasp excitedly in response, even cuter.
As the pair get closer, you can see Jeongguk’s top half over the car, how his arm is swinging back and forth because of the tiny hand that’s holding his where you can’t see.
Nari is dressed in a black jumper dress with a long-sleeved heart-patterned shirt on underneath when she pops out from behind the car and next to her dad. Kept warm from the slight chill in the air by her knitted tights and her teeny-tiny ugg boots. She’s still round, but she’s gotten taller and you coo softly to yourself.
But Nari hears the little noise you make and when she sees you, she stops in her tracks. Her little bobble head looking between you and Jeongguk. Then she’s tugging on her dad’s pinky that she’s got a hold of.
“___!” she says as she nods towards you, like she’s letting Jeongguk know that you’re right there. She sounds sure, almost a little bossy. Doesn’t stutter even a second to remember you. Kind of like she never forgot you.
“Ah– what’s with the nodding missy?” Jeongguk tuts, then he looks at you and shakes his head exasperated yet amused.
Nari has the nerve to giggle, a big girl no longer brought to tears by her daddy’s scoldings. She looks up at him grinning before she shrugs, like she doesn’t know what got into her. As she raises her little shoulders, her free hand comes up too for emphasis. And gripped tightly in her little hand is her stuffed narwhal.
You’re happy.
~~~~~~~~~
aaaaand SCENE. omg heyyyy long time no see girlfriends <3 i hope that u think this was worth the wait but am debilitatingly scared that it did not meet ur expectations so i am hiding <3 im sorry for how long it took but it is here now n that is all my tiny hands have to offer!! i would love to know what u thought, so please do al the things: reblog, like, comment, send an ask~~ thank u for waiting for me and for reading ily muah :*
#jungkook x reader#jungkook smut#jungkook fanfic#jungkook#jungkook fic#bts#bts fanfic#bts smut#bts x reader#jungkook x oc#jungkook x you#jungkook fic recs#jungkook oneshot#jungkook series#bts jungkook#jungkook imagines#jungkook fanfiction#jungkook angst#kpop#kpop fanfic
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|| series masterlist || next // previously ||
genre(s) -> angst, fluff, non-idol, hybrid au, poly au
paring(s) -> kang yeosang x reader
warning(s) -> mentions of abuse,
words -> 1.2K
abstract -> "...I need to get used to it. feeling loved.."
y/n's perspective
“I can do–” “Yeosang” I said again and he smiled awkwardly. “Right, sorry” he said.
His training was so hard to overwrite. Everything anyone does for him. He tried to repay. It was hard to find a way to break this cycle of expectations for him.
He tries to find a way to pay me back and it saddens me… he asks what he can do with his sparkling eyes and a soft smile.
“It’s hard… I feel like San and Wooyoung do a lot and I just sit around and look at your routines. It's… hard” he said and I nodded and ruffled his hair causing him to chuckle.
“Don’t feel bad, besides they decided to do that on their own. Wooyoung cooks because he likes it, and San helps me write because he likes my room. They're not doing it for an incentive… have you thought about doing sessions yet?” I asked. It was a suggestion Kun made last week. It's been a month with him around… and he said sessions would help him realize what he was used to wasn’t what I expected of him.
“I don't know yet… believe it or not I don’t like being around people'' he said and I nodded. Wooyoung was still the one accompanying me outside the apartment despite his excitement. San wants me to have one of them around for safety… but Wooyoung gets distracted easily.
“You don’t have to. I just want you to be comfortable here” I said with a smile and he nodded. “Y/nnie!!!” I heard Wooyoung run towards me and hug me.
“I need groceries,” he said calmly, making me laugh. “Let me get dressed, then,” I said and he nodded. “Can I go with you?” Yeosang asos, surprising me. “If you're okay with that,” I said and he nodded. “I'll stay here with San then,” Wooyoung said as he started writing what he needed.
I went over to the window to see how it was outside. It was gloomy and rainy…
“You should wear something warm” I heard as I saw yeosang was still with me. “Yeah, I know… besides the grocery store is also cold, '' I said and he chuckled. “Do… you want help?” he asked and I smiled.
“If you’d like to go ahead~”
I knew Yeosang knew fashion. He was a social media influencer… or the closest a hybrid could get to famous. He laid out a warm and comfortable outfit for me.
“Maybe I should make you my stylist~” I teased as we were now in the elevator down to the grocery store. I noticed his ears twitching and his tail wagging slightly. “I would love to,” he said genuinely. It shocked me… I didn't question it, however…
As we made it outside he grabbed the umbrella to hold it over our heads. “Wooyoung gave you a big list,” he said and I chuckled. “Well we are the size of a family, and besides San and him eat a lot,” I said and he chuckled but I noticed his flushed look. “Family, huh?” he asked and I smiled.
“Don’t you think?” I asked and he chuckled and gave me a wide smile. “I like to think so,” he said and I was happy he saw us that way. He got along well with San and Wooyoung. The two love to tease him.
I noticed he was slightly getting wet making me grab his hand to put it in the middle. “You're gonna get wet” he whined. “But you're already getting wet, '' I said and he got closer.
Yeosang… he was such a well-behaved hybrid. I sometimes wished he’d have a little fun and think selfishly.
“Do you see how many bags there are?! Wooyoung, you should be more considerate” Yeosang scolded Wooyoung. We carried a lot of bags back to the apartment.
“Ah… sorry” he apologized and I smiled. “It's fine, you’ll make us something tasty right?” I asked and he nodded as he started putting things away.
“Give him a break, he didn’t do it on purpose,” I said when I saw Yeosang still sulking and he nodded. “He shouldn't be making you do too much,” he argued and I smiled. “I helped him with groceries… I did it because I wanted to, " I said and he chuckled.
“I get it… you do these things without asking to be repaid” he said and I nodded. “Besides… I like doing my part around here. I know you want to help… but Wooyoung is the cook. He’s already kicked you out of the kitchen and San does his best to clean around here even if he hates it. I want to help… I do the same thing but Yeosang... You sometimes have to let people do kind things for you” I said and I noticed his eyes turn glassy.
“I'm fine, don’t worry… it's– I need to get used to it. Feeling loved I mean” he said and I smiled while hugging him. “You’re a part of our family now. Don’t push yourself too much, okay? We accept you just the way you are. We’re not asking for anything in return” I said and he nodded.
“I sometimes feel that I suffered everything that I went through to meet you,” he said, shocking me and he chuckled.
“I’ll forever be grateful for you, and I owe you a lot even if you say I don’t, '' he said and he grabbed my cheeks to kiss my forehead.
“I’ll do the sessions. It’ll help me right?” he asked and I smiled. “You don't have to–” “I want to. I want to accept everything you give me. I want to do it to get over my old life” he said and I nod.
“Anything you ask of me, I'll do my best to fulfill it” I said and he chuckled.
“You really are an angel”
Yeosang started sessions. Kun would give me reports every week on his progress and his mental status. He… wasn’t a happy hybrid. Not when she was his owner… He’s just as damaged as San, and just as scared of the future like Wooyoung. I tried my best for him… it's all I could do.
He also thinks he hasn’t found a place in our little life.
He’s definitely what San and Wooyoung needed. An older brother to play with… He also took the stylist thing I said seriously. He started planning my outfits… whether i'm going out, hanging out with the girls, or just staying at home. I would wake up to an outfit at the edge of my bed.
It was… cute.
Yeosang was now a crucial part of my routine… just like San and Wooyoung.
Waking up to the three hybrids saying good morning in their own ways was reassuring. San would grumble good morning since he only wakes up early because Wooyoung threatened him with no breakfast if he woke up late.
Wooyoung said good morning and gave me a hearty breakfast, while Yeosang would knock on my door to fix my hair and call me that nickname. Angel… I don’t understand why he sees me that way but I accepted it, like how I accepted him.
I wouldn’t trade any of this for anything
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My Fathers Daughter pt 10
A different perspective
Dick Grayson has always been used to being the first.
He was the first Robin, the first son, the first to be picked for almost anything.
Hell he was the first child as far as he knew. So imagine his surprise when he finds out his mother not only has a whole secret daughter, but one that she completely abandoned.
He could still hardly believe it.
He couldn't stop thinking about the night they found out about her. The look on Christine's face, it was one he's never seen before. The look of shock and almost disbelief, like she had seen a ghost.
In a way she did.
The ghost of the life she left behind with Tony and Y/n Stark. Now Christine was trying so desperately to revive it. As if she didn't murder it with her own hands. And while Dick himself had reservations with these actions, Christine was his mother before anything, and he was going to help her no matter what.
So here he was, standing outside the bedroom of his mothers long lost daughter, trying to figure out something to say. It shouldn't be too hard, seeing as Jason of all people managed to get you to open up.
And yet, here he is. Unable to muster up the courage to simply knock on the door.
"This is fucking ridiculous", Dick thinks to himself, "Just knock, what's the worst that can happen?"
Lost in his own thoughts, Dick didn't notice the shadow under the door, and was startled by the sudden swing of it opening and you standing there.
"I can hear your thinking over my music." You said a little annoyed," Is there something I can do for you or...?"
Dick blinked trying to gather all of his thoughts, he really didn't know what to say to you. This is the first time you've said more than three syllables to him.
You stared back, face revealing how uncomfortable you were getting with this prolonged eye contact.
"Riiiight, so im just gonna" You say taking steps to shut the door in his face
"Wait!" The raven haired man shouts, "Wait, please."
You stop with a sigh and open the door, inviting him in, " Alright, come on."
Dick walks in, looking around at the room that actually used to be his when he first moved in.
He mentions as much trying to break the awkward silence.
"Hm, and you were okay staying in a room that was copied from a dracula movie?" You say snarkily
"Well to be fair I was 12 and watched my parents die in front of me, I wasn't really looking at the decor." He says half joking.
You made a face and looked away, feeling even more awkward.
"Anyways, I just wanted to you know...see how you were settling in" Dick starts, " Its been a few months and it feels like we hardly even see you."
You pause, thinking of what to say. But before you even have a chance to say anything Dick continues.
"You know, moms really excited that you're here." He starts, " Honestly I don't think I've ever seen her this excited over anything. She's usually very level headed."
You stare at him
"I mean, you know how she is I suppose she is your mother too."
You stare
"I know she probably really missed you, she gets lonely sometimes you know? Everyone here usually has their own thing going on and we don't really get to see her as much."
Nothing from you
" Well, I guess she see's Damian more than any of us but that's because he's basically her baby."
Okay...that hurt
"I mean, I think he was the youngest when he came to use, I think he was like nine or something. And he was not the easiest to get along with. So don't worry that he hasn't warmed up to you yet."
You hum, already irritated with this conversation.
"He's also really protective of our mom, she's done alot to make sure their relationship is as good as it is." he says offhandedly, " Actually she's done it for all of us."
"Oh really?" You ask with no real intrest.
"Yeah! I remember one time when I was little she always made it a point to spend time with me even though she was so busy." He says fondly.
You decide to play along and remince on the memories that you buried long ago.
"You know, when I was younger, Christine used to take me out of school and take me to see ballet shows." You say with a slight smile, " I was in classes back then and loved watching the older girls dance."
Dick smiled, feeling as if he made some progress with you, " Really? I think she actually takes Cassie and Steph to those sometimes, you should ask to tag along I'm sure she'll love it."
You cringe, feeling another needle in your heart. Not even your memerioes were sacred.
"Yeah no thanks." You reply harshly, " I don't like ballet anymore."
Dick pauses, shocked at the sudden shift in atmosphere.
"I--"
And before he can say anything you cut him off, feigning a yawn
"Hey look, not that I don't love our little chats, but I am beat."
"Oh! right, sorry I guess it is getting a bit late.."Dick say hopping up from your bed and walking to the door, " Y/n, you know its really nice talking to you. You should try and open up more."
You smile sarcastically, " you know, something you and mother have in common is that you both like talking at me, not to me."
And with that you shut the door, promptly ending the conversation and sending Dick spiraling.
In fact, the statement bothered him so much that he went seeking a second opinion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Yeah... I don't know how to help you man."
"Oh come on! Jason, you and her are like...bosom buddies or something."
"Bosom buddies? How old are you?" Jason scoffs, " Look, what you and everyone here doesn't understand is that Y/n has a family waiting for her. She's not going to except mom as her mom because her mom is still alive and well."
"But...technically our mom is her mom." Dick says hesitantly, " And if I were her I'd be thrilled to have my mom back."
"Dick. Your mom didn't abandon you for a different family." Jason says annoyed he's not getting it, "What the hell is wrong with you, you're usually so level headed about this stuff?"
Dick pauses.
To be honest he doesn't know why he's being so hard headed about the whole situation.
He knows that he doesn't like seeing his mother sad, and lately seeing her face when you reject every move she maked to make amends is heartbreaking to him.
That was his mother. The woman who took him in as her own when his biological parents died.
The same woman that stayed by his side no matter how moody, rude, and bratty he first acted when he first arrived. She took his grief on as her own and basically put him back together along with Bruce. He can still remember the night he considered her his mother.
He had just started out as Robin, and had just got back from patrol. It was a rough night.
First, it was the middle of autumn and raining heavily, he and Bruce weren't getting along this particular night and he overall was just having a bad night. So needless to day he was a little rougher with the baddies he was fighting tonight.
Bruce had already reprimanded him throughout the night about his unnecessary force but Dick did not want to hear it. It got so bad that Dick was just going off own his own without Batmans orders, and thats where the trouble began.
Dick had jumped the gun again, throwing himself into a fight with some drug dealers , not realizing that there were one too many for a fourteen year old to handle by himself. They quickly overpowered him, and ganged up on the poor boy.
He was given quite the beating before Batman caught up to him and basically saved him.
In pain and with a bruised ego, he had to listen to yet another lecture from the irritated (actually extremely worried) dark knight, and one from Alfred who was also extremely worried while he cleaned up the child.
He has finally marched to his room in a huff and after he shut the door, was finally able to reveal in the fact that he almost died. He was lost in thought, finally feeling the fear and pain in every move he made as he tried to crawl under the covers when he heard a knock on the door.
In she came, with a tray of goodies she personally made,staying home from a business trip he had known she was going to go on. She crawled into the bed with him, held him to her chest and allowed him to cry.
"You may be a big brave superhero" She said to him, " But here in this home, you're my son. My baby, and you are allowed to cry if you need to. I won't judge you. I won't say a word."
And he did. He cried.
He cried because he was hurting. He cried because he was angry. Angry because he was beat up. Because he was lectured all night. Because he missed his parents.
But most of all, because he felt as if he was forgetting them. He was having such a good time at the Wayne manor, grew to love the Waynes as the parents they intended to be to him. He felt as if he was betraying his parents. The parents that had raised him up to that point.
And here he was, laying cuddled up to Christine the same way he would with his mother. But at this point the two of them are blurring together, to the point where he can't tell where his mother ends and Christine starts.
This woman, took him in and wrapped him in love.
Love that he thought he would never feel again after that tragic night.
A love that, he honestly cannot imagine never having.
It was something that he couldn't begin to repay her. He wouldn't know how. Where to start.
Rekindling his mother with the daughter she lost. Gave up.
That was the least he could do. He'd do it for her.
But, after the conversation he had with Jason, he went home and thought about it. Actually really thought about it.
The year he came into the Wayne's lives, Christine stopped going on her business trips.
Not all at once, but she would push them back.
Usually because Dick had needed her.
She pushed her trips back until eventually, she just stopped going.
She hadn't said much, just saying that she realized that she was needed at home more than they needed her over there. But even at that age, Dick noticed she was sad. She kept her composure around the family, but once Dick had seen her crying in a pantry deleting something off her phone.
He had thought it was weird but after a few months she was okay.
No crying, no sadness.
And... now that he thinks about it. While he was being wrapped up in love there was another child in New York, who's life was being completely unraveled. All because of him.
And maybe...the reason he was trying so hard to rekindle you and Christine wasn't really because of Christine.
But because since that night, the night you were revealed to be her daughter, he did the math. And he just wanted to give you back the mother he unknowingly stole away from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Taglist:
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Sick Day
It's inevitable, we all get sick. How do the COD men help you through it?
Gender neutral reader perspective
18+
Fluff
Warning: Illness, vomiting (in Alex's only)
Alex - TW vomiting
You've been on the bathroom floor for who knew how long. Your knees are screaming in pain to get up but you know the moment you try to go to bed you'll get sick again. It had been like this since you woke up around 2am feeling that telltale sign in your stomach and the watering in your mouth. It must have been something you ate you think as you gasp and lean back against the tub, trying not to think of dinner the night before.
"Hey, it's me," comes a gentle voice from the other side of the door and you crack open an eye. You had asked Alex to pick up a few things from the store, you needed to try and get some electrolytes down. He had been texting you all morning to check in asking if there was anything he could do and you finally caved after finding nothing useful in the fridge.
"You can just leave it outside the door," you answer quietly, your voice a little ragged from getting sick so often. Your throat is sore and your abs hurt from just the exertion. "It's a disaster in here," you joke before your stomach heaves. Fuck. You scramble quickly for the toilet, amazed that there was anything left.
The door swings open and you gasp out for him to get out. You definitely do not want him to see you like this, a sweaty flushed mess as you gag. You groan and rest your head on the seat as a bag rustles and you feel him press a bottle of Gatorade in your hand as he pushes some hair off your sweaty neck. "Drink," he says simply, a soft order but an order nonetheless. He's already broken the seal for you and you smile a bit as you take the cap off.
"Really you don't have to be in here," you say as you sit up and take a sip of the blue liquid. "It's really gross in here and I don't want you to get sick if it's a bug," you try as you press the cool bottle to your forehead almost groaning at how nice it feels.
He's at the sink running water before he crouches down the moves to sit behind you. It's a tight fit, his legs too long to be comfortable but he adjusts making it work.
"I don't have to do anything," he replies as he gently places a cool rag on your neck. It's cold enough to send a shiver down your spine but it feels nice. "But I want to," he finishes before gently pulling you toward him.
You go without much resistance, not having the strength to really fight. He pulls you up against his chest and gently leans your head back onto his shoulder, placing another cool towel on your forehead. He really is much more comfortable than leaning against the tub and you sigh contently.
"Keep drinking," he says gently nudging your hand. "I'll stay with you until you feel well enough to go back to bed." He adjusts a bit, the bathroom cabinet creaking behind him before he softly rubs your arms and kisses the back of your sticky neck. "I've got nowhere else to be," he adds sensing you're going to protest.
Sometime later you wake up in bed with the vague memory of Alex helping you up off the bathroom floor, out of your dirty clothes and into his clean shirt. The worst of the sickness seems to have passed, and now it was just exhaustion wearing on you. There's a fresh bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand along with some bright yellow flowers. You can faintly smell cleaner where Alex has sanitized the whole bathroom for you.
Gaz
"You're sick too," you protest as Gaz sniffs from his side of the bed. You had visited his family and his youngest niece had a cold, when did she not have a cold being a toddler, and she seemed to have shared it with both of you.
"I can go to the store," he reasons before sneezing three times then leaning his head back against the headboard with an annoyed groan.
"Oh yes, because people are going to be delighted to have you sneezing and coughing all over the produce," you tease before coughing yourself and covering your mouth with the hem of your shirt.
"I'll wear a mask," he shoots back before coughing and rubbing at his temples. Each cough seemed like daggers to his head and he had been burrowed under the pillows because even the sunlight hurt his eyes. He would never admit that he was weak because it was his job to take care of you, damn it.
"We can just order take away," you fight back as you grab at him to drag him back to lay with you. "We can do that ramen place you like," you try as a lure. You don't want him to go to the store because you'd feel guilty just sitting there. But most of all you don't want him to leave the bed. Despite being miserable because you were both sick you had secretly been enjoying all the extra cuddle time with him.
"Ramen and I want boba," he mutters as you tug on the sleeve of his shoulder. He falls willingly to the side toward you, flopping over on your pillows as he stares pitifully up at you. His eyes are a bit red from all the sneezing and he sniffs again as he rubs at one of them.
"Ramen and boba," you agree before leaning down to kiss his forehead before snuggling up against him. "But you have to order," you mutter into his chest as you nuzzle in his shirt. "You're too picky," you tease as you feel him reach toward the nightstand for his phone.
"I'm not picky, I just know what I like," he answers as he gently rubs at your back with one hand, the other already scrolling through the delivery menu.
"I want..." you started but he turns the phone toward you to see he's already put in your favorite. He always remembered what you liked, even if it was only mentioned a single time or in passing. You asked him about it once but he just says part of his job is to observe and remember. So why would he not remember what you liked?
"I'm also adding a stop at the shops to get ice cream," he tacks on as he twists the phone away to scroll and add to the order. "You can't properly recover from a sore throat without that," he grins.
"Oh?" You ask, sliding your hand up his shirt to rest on his stomach. His delightfully warm and you can feel him involuntarily flinch from your cold fingers. "You sure it's just not your sweet tooth? That doesn't sound like real medicine," you tease.
"It is," he scoffs, "always works for me. You'll see," he slides the phone onto the end table before rolling to curl up around you, your hand sliding to his back. "Kisses are also part of the regiment," Gaz tacks on stealing a quick one from you. "Lots," he adds peppering your lips as you giggle.
Ghost
"You should have told Price you were sick before we left," Ghost admonishes as you try to hide yet another coughing fit. You were out in the field with Ghost on a recon mission and had been drinking water and eating small throat lozenges all day to try and get rid of the tickle in your throat.
"I thought it was allergies," you answer back as you adjust on your stomach and peer down the binoculars again. That is the truth, it was spring after all. But after laying out in the sun for hours now the cough was worsening and the headache was starting to set in.
You stifle another cough as you hear Ghost shift next to you before he taps your arm. You lower the binoculars a bit to glance over and see his hand holding out a jolly rancher. He's not looking at you as he holds it out, his eyes fixed down his sniper scope. You don't ask why he had one, or if he possibly had more, before you take it and pop it in your mouth. It was cherry and you grin since that's your favorite before you go back to peering at your quarry.
"Movement headed our way," Ghost says a few minutes later as he points to a convey of beat up pickup trucks. They are heading right at you. Shuffling quickly you tuck your binoculars in your ghillie suit and look around for a place to hide better. Ghost leads the way in a small crouch, his hand reaching behind him to drag you along as you curse and stuff your fist into your mouth to stifle the cough.
Dragging you into some dense bushes Ghost pulls you between his legs as he crouches. He presses your face tight into his chest, one hand behind your head the other holding a pistol resting against your back. Your body shakes as it tries to cough again and he forcefully pushes your head further into him, his kit digging into your face.
The trucks have stopped and you hear people talking as they get out and slam doors. They are searching the area and Ghost curses as you shake with another cough, your whole body vibrating with it. He shifts a bit and you dare to look up at him. His eyes are locked on the enemy that is getting closer but he darts his eyes down to you for just a second. That is definitely worry etched in his face.
Your hands scrabble around him to hold on, to try and dig even further into his warmth. You just need to keep it together for a few minutes. Surely you can not cough for that long right? Ghost shifts just a bit so you can burrow into the softness of skin between his chest and shoulder where his vest isn't. You breathe in the scent of his deodorant and laundry detergent as he continues to hold the back of your head pushing you so hard you may suffocate. If you passed out from lack of oxygen you wouldn't be coughing at least.
They're close now you hear the quiet click of Ghost flipping the safety off, his hand fisting your hair under the hood of your suit. He jumps a bit as you bite down to fight anther cough, your teeth sinking into his shirt and flesh to stifle it. His fingers flex for a moment before he loosens the grip and imperceptibly rubs your scalp with his thumb gently; a reassurance.
A call over the radio was your savoir. The men were a breath away from the bushes and you felt Ghost tense ready to shoot when the call on their radio came in. The men disburse going back to their trucks and taking off. You both stay still for a moment before Ghost finally lets you go and you lean back to look up at him.
"That's going to leave a mark," he mutters as he looks a the spot where you bit him.
"Sorry," you answer a bit embarrassed as you cough into the back of your hand. He fishes out another sweet and unwraps it and pops it in your mouth before you realize exactly what he was doing. His fingers are quick as he pushes it between your lips, his eyes locked on his movements, before he swallows and retracts his hands. It’s green apple this time, a short zip of sour hits your tongue to pull you from the confused daze he just left you in.
"I didn't say I minded," he answers flatly before pushing his hands on his knees to help himself stand up and scan the whole area. "Come on," he extends a hand to help you up, "we've still got work to do and I only have so many sweets left in my stash."
You swear you see him smirk behind his mask as you walk to a new area to settle in for surveillance.
Price
Three days of a fever. You had been holed up in bed trying anything and everything to get it to break. The old wives tale of sweating it out made you nauseated and raised your temperature too high. Then trying to freeze it out only made you shiver and made you more miserable. Sleep had been fitful, fever induced nightmares and just being uncomfortable made it hard to get decent rest.
But when John comes to check on you for the umpteenth time that day, he finds you curled up in a ball under the blankets. He pulls the covers back and finds you are soaked, your hair plastered to your forehead and t-shirt stuck to your skin.
"Sweetheart?" Price asks quietly, his hand moving to push your hair off your face where a few tendrils are stuck. "I think your fever finally broke," he says feeling at your forehead and cheek not caring about the sweat. "You aren't burning up anymore."
"What?" You grumbled trying to burrow away, still half asleep. You could care less about what he was saying, you just wanted to sleep.
"You've sweated through your clothes," he says simply and pulls the blankets back more. "You'll be much more comfortable if we get you cleaned up," he reasons as you attempt to slide away.
"I'll clean up later," you answer. Though now that you've woken up a bit you find the sweat has cooled on your body and now you're cold. And your shirt was stuck and twisted at odd angles constricting you. "I'm too tired," you tack on as you fitfully trying to right the shirt to no avail.
"I'll help you," he ventures before standing up and disappearing. You can hear him turn on the shower and you huff sitting up, the room spinning for a moment. While your fever may have broke the headache and fatigue were certainly still weighing down on you.
"Come on," John says appearing at your side and gently pulls you out of the bed. He's shirtless and you blink at him a bit as he guides you into the bathroom. The light is bright which makes you wince and he quickly flips the switch before helping you out of the shirt, his shirt, you were wearing.
"I'm not going to be able to," you start but he's already there stepping out of his pants to be fully naked next to you before pulling back the curtain.
He helps you step in before following behind and you stand under the lukewarm water for a moment savoring it before he turns you around and gently massages your scalp. It feels wonderful as he washes away the sweat and gently shampoos your hair then rinses it. While the conditioner sits he does his own, pulling you to lean against his chest for support as you stand with your eyes closed.
He's tender with the washcloth, knowing you had body aches from the flu, but makes sure to fully clean you. Lifting your legs gently in turn and spinning you to wash down your chest and stomach. When he's done he cuts the water and wraps you in a large towel and escorts you to the bedroom to sit on the small bench at the foot of the bed while he strips it down and puts on fresh new sheets.
He leaves you to your slumber while he goes back to paperwork, checking on you a few times as you finally catch up on some rest.
Soap
"When was the last time you took medicine?" Soap asks as you cough into the blanket. You've been on the couch for hours, sliding in and out of sleep as Soap puttered around the house doing chores and keeping himself occupied. He tried to coax you to go upstairs and lay in the bed properly but you refused. He was only home for a few days and you weren't going to waste your time together sleeping. Even though you were sleeping on the couch.
"Mmm, I don't remember. Around lunch?" You answer looking at your phone for the time. You were well past due.
"I'll get it," he answers as you move to sit up. "I'm going to make you what my mother always gave us as children," he adds as he disappears into the kitchen.
You continue to lay on the couch flipping channels as you hear him messing about in the kitchen. The kettle whistles and you hear more clattering before he appears with your medicine in one hand. He's already torn it out of the packaging because you can never get it open. The other hand holds a steaming mug of tea and as he hands it to you after you sit up you sniff.
"Is that...is there whiskey in this?" You ask turning your nose up a bit. Whiskey was not your drink by a long shot.
"Aye," Soap answers as he flops down on the couch next to you. "Hot toddy," he explains as you take a small sip. There is honey and lemon mixed in and you can taste cinnamon. It burns, not just from the hot water but from the alcohol, as it goes down your throat. "Ma always made it for us when we were sick. Helped with the cough and to get us to sleep."
"Weren’t you kids?" You ask raising an eyebrow at him which causes him to laugh.
"Just a wee bit of whiskey for us then," he winks before gesturing for you to continue to drink. "Warms you up from the inside out. Don't know how it works really, but it does." He slides his arm behind you on the couch so you can lean in on him.
You curl your feet up under you and lean against his chest. Once the drink cools enough you pop the medicine in your mouth, trying not to linger on the thought of taking it with alcohol, and down it. He wasn't wrong about the drink warming you from the inside out, you feel a bit flushed as you get to the bottom dregs. He takes the mug from you as you snuggle into him more.
"Haven't coughed in a bit," he observes after about thirty minutes of silence into the movie he had picked. He looks down to see you dozing off and he laughs to himself as he gently tugs you to lay your head in his lap. He gently plays with your hair as he settles in for the long haul.
You fall into a deep, restful, sleep in Soap's lap as he continues to gently tend to you. Long after the movie is over he still sits silently, enjoying the quiet moment with you.
#call of duty#cod#call of duty fanfic#my fic#fanfic#fanfiction#cod drabble#random musings#cod alex#cod gaz#cod ghost#cod john price#cod soap#alex keller x reader#gaz x reader#ghost x reader#john price x reader#soap x reader#tf 141 x reader#sick day#18+ only
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You’re not lazy, you’re neurodivergent:
A post on executive dysfunction, ADHD inattentiveness and hyperfocus, and whatever else occurred to me as related as I originally wrote this for twitter.
If you’re like me, you’ve probably been called lazy by people in your life. But the thing is, there’s almost no-one (if anyone) who’s actually lazy. And I promise you, if you’ve felt guilty because there are things you should be doing and can’t get them done? You are NOT lazy.
I'll get to executive dysfunction, the main focus of this thread in a moment. Because I want to start by talking about ADHD and hyperfocus.
Is it hard for you to pay attention to things you don't enjoy, but can focus for hours on things you do?
Does the world ever disappear to the point you forget to eat/drink while you're working? Can you suddenly get days worth of work done in a short amount of time, but only once it's the last minute, or when you get into the zone? But you don't necessarily have control over getting into that mode?
Hyperfocus
The reason this is related to this thread is that often this is the "proof" that you're lazy. Look, if you're interested you get things done! Look at how much you can do when you "just make yourself" or "just focus"! Clearly you just don't want to do the thing.
I can't tell you how many days I've sat there trying to get into a zone that's eluding me, losing sleep and feeling guilty, just to finally hyperfocus in the final day and pull out a miracle.
But I have ZERO ability to force it (I have tricks! but it's not the same).
Hyperfocus often gets brought up as a "you can't have ADHD, look how focus on the things you enjoy! Look what happens when you do focus!"
But actually, it's a major aspect of inattentive ADHD!
So, that's why hyperfocus matters in this convo.
Now onto Executive Dysfunction.
To start with, a quick note: Executive dysfucntion is not just an ADHD thing. It's an aspect of a lot of different neurodivergencies.
Also, this is primarily from my perspective as a person with ADHD, I'd love to hear your versions of these experiences!)
I like to describe executive dysfunction as "the start button isn't there."
Also, this isn't just for chores or boring things.
Have you ever sat there going "I want to game" but it just never happens?
I sure have!
When you have executive dysfunction, this means that starting tasks can be near impossible. You just can't get yourself to start it. Often, you may sit there staring at the document with the blinking cursor, or looking at the stove, or glancing at the full laundry basket, etc
But again, there's no start button. You just can't do the thing. Which makes it really hard when people tell you to just focus, or that you could do it if you just cared, or that you're just lazy.
Because we want to do the thing! We do!
(I mean, okay, want may be a strong word sometimes, I never WANT to do chores, but it's still not an intentional putting it off. It's more an "I need to do this thing, I know I need to, I want it to be done, but I can't get myself to do it")
Now for me, and many with ADHD, once someone points out you haven't done the thing, or when the deadline comes close, suddenly the start button appears
Which again, people use as proof you totally could have done the thing the whole time.
So clearly you were just lazy & are only doing it cause you got yelled at/prodded/nagged.
But this isn't true, there was no start button!
@adhd-alien has a PERFECT comic on this: https://twitter.com/ADHD_Alien/status/1138475368191598594
Now, we learn tricks to deal with this. Or meds may help.
For me, I find ways to enforce outside deadlines, or I'm more likely to have. a start button for something I'm doing with/for other people.
But ultimately, our brains just don't work the same.
So for someone where the start buttons are always there, who assumes everyone is the same as them, it looks like we're actively making the choice not to hit start.
So they call us lazy, unable to see us desperately trying to hit a button that's just. Not. There.
Now, add on to this all the other comorbidities that come with neurodivergency, we almost never have just one thing. Add on physical disabilities or chronic/invisible illnesses or chronic pain or fatigue.
All of these make it so much harder.
There are SO many things that affect our abilities to get things done.
For example, I had a doctor appointment four days in a row (OT, neurologist, OT, infusion). I also helped schedule an event, and did a stream.
Before MS and chronic pain that would be nothing.
I could have done SO much more, filled my days with getting things done.
Now? I'm spending today on the couch, recovering before my stream tonight.
And I have to fight so much guilt, because I feel like I should be doing more. But my body just CAN'T.
So.
Do you feel guilty, but you just can't start the thing?
Is there no start button?
Are you exhausted and your body is insisting you rest?
There are so many things that affect our ability to do things.
Brains, bodies, the world we live in.
But you're not lazy.
#ADHD#executive dysfunction#hyperfocus#laziness is a myth#its the neurodivergency#neurodivergent#autism#I promise you're not alone#spoonie life
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friendship breakups 🎀 . ࣪˖
OKAY. so. i was best friends with this girl for 7 years and only recently i ditched her! after so so so so long i ditched her. finally. and my god i feel SO much better.
˚₊‧꒰ა friendship ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
someone that you experience a bond with.
˚₊‧꒰ა toxic friendship ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
someone who drains you and hurts you while still considering themselves a friend.
i think one of the hardest parts of this whole situation is figuring out what makes somebody toxic for you without constantly over-romanticising all the good parts.
˚₊‧꒰ა clear signs of a toxic friendship ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
♡ dreading communication with them
♡ feeling drained after interactions
♡ being insecure and fearful around them
♡ holding off on telling them big things
♡ used as a joke way too often
♡ kept in the dark as just a "backup plan"
♡ left out & overlooked.
a friend should be somebody who hypes you up and makes you laugh and rambles for ages with you and makes dumb jokes with you and makes you happy and doesn't leave you out or make you feel alienated or upset or anything like that. it took me 4 whole years to actually realise this.
now, if you find yourself in a position where you are experiencing these signs of a toxic friendship but aren't really sure what to do, this is what i did!:
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ weigh out the goods & bads
if you're currently stuck with somebody who makes you feel drained and insecure and whatever else may be making you feel as though maybe you should cut them off, it sounds a little weird but as somebody who works way better puzzling things out when doing it on paper, i made a whole pros and cons list of what this friendship brings to my life. having a physical representation of your confusing thought process around the whole situation can be very beneficial and help to put your thoughts into clarity so you can make a decision that actually helps and aligns with you and go from there.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ figure out your friendship standards
everybody always talks about having standards in romantic relationships and love and all that but i barely hear anything on standards for friendships. friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, and having standards for friendships is equally essential as it would be in a relationship if you dont want to attract scruffy, dirty, insecure people who will only drag you down. ask yourself what your ideal friend looks like; somebody who shares your interests, somebody who supports you, somebody with a similar mindset to you, similar background to you; what is it that you want in a friendship? how do you define friendship? what does that look like for you? make a list and keep it somewhere safe. refer to this when making new friends and cutting them off.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ think back on your actions
a harsh truth of life is sometimes we are the problem. something i did for way longer than i should have is spend time going back over my every word, every movement, every action to see if there was something i did wrong. now dont do what i did, but do just sit down for a little bit and think if there was anything you could have possibly done and bring it up with them to resolve it if you did. admitting your wrongs is not weak. it is the strongest thing one can do.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ get a second opinion
one thing that helped me was talking to my mum about it. me and my mum are really close so i chose her but it can be another close friend, a parent, a partner, just whatever you feel comfy with. try to put it into a hypothetical situation so that they have no prior biased views on the situation and explain to them the scenario and see what they would do and what they would say. if you have no one to do it with, then thats absolutely fine because this is completely optional and just helped me to reassure myself a bit, but you can also think of it from an outsiders perspective or if a friend was telling you that they are experiencing what you're currently going through so you can get an unbiased opinion from yourself.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ let yourself feel how you feel
if you need to, just sit and cry for a bit. journal, write, wallow in your own sadness for a bit if thats what you need to release it from yourself. suppressing and holding all this in is way, way worse for you than letting it out could ever be. just have one night where you rot and cry and be sad about it. this releases the negative energy you've been holding onto about it and i promise you will feel so much lighter afterwards.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ demonising and romanticising
in these situations, its best to keep a neutral mindset towards them. even if its toxic, they were your friends in the first place for a reason and even if you shouldn't romanticise them dont demonise them and completely despise them either because thats not good for you or them. they are still an experience you went through in your life and are to be learnt from, nothing more. respect the good parts just as much as the bad parts.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ dealing with conflict
something i really really worried about for years when i wanted to leave my ex-best friend was the falling out and the social backlash, seeing as she's fairly popular too. but while i was expecting sooo much backlash and conflict, it turns out that if you do it the right way, nobody really cares. sure, it might attract a little attention for a while, but trust in yourself and remembering that nobody will actually care about this in a few weeks will get you through and you can move on with your life. if people can turn against you from only hearing one side of the story, they were never your people. plus, why are you stressing about validation from people you don't even like in the first place?
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ detachment
one thing that has saved me in many, many situations, including this one, is not giving a fuck. i will be making a post on detachment at some point but detachment in friendship breakups especially is so important because its easy to let your emotions get the best of you and control you and make irrational decisions in these situations. staying completely indifferent and detached and comfortable in yourself with you as your main priority has to be one of if not the most important part of this whole process.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ moving on
obviously moving on is difficult. moving on might be one of the most difficult things about the whole experience of a friendship breakup. so along with feeling the emotions and releasing them like i mentioned earlier, acknowledge that it's okay to mourn the past, even if they were bad for you. thats perfectly normal and okay. but do not let it consume you. trust in yourself and that this is for the best, and be proud of yourself for getting out of that friendship because there's so much you haven't yet learned and so many people you haven't yet met that will change your whole life in ways you can't possibly imagine right now. ♡
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ trusting yourself
trust that no matter what's going on right now you will always be able to bounce back from it. trust your judgement and that if it makes you feel this bad, you arent overreacting, you arent overemotional, you arent just sensitive and it is genuinely affecting and impacting you. everything is an experience to be learnt and grow from and this is no different. its uncomfortable and its scary but the shift to getting everything you want is often scary and uncomfortable because of how much has to change to achieve that reality. if there's one person you're always going to have no matter what, it's going to be you. you are your own best friend. trust yourself above anybody and everybody else.
🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ actually cutting them off
one thing i did that i feel could have ended things a lot easier is not procrastinate the process of actually cutting them off. it was a little easier for me because she was ghosting me anyway so i did the same and told her no whenever she wanted me to do something because i refuse to be a second option, but if you're not comfortable with that and can't do it in a good or polite way because of whatever circumstances you might be in then just politely tell them. plan out what you wanna say in your head, dont think about it and just tell them. it will all be for the best, i promise. being uncomfortable is a part of change. you can do this.
overall, everybody enters your life and everybody leaves your life for a reason. please don't take this personally. people are not meant to stay forever. relationships are precious and fleeting, no matter what kind, and you should treasure them, good or bad, while accepting it might not be right for you anymore. people aren't supposed to stay forever and losing friends shows that you are growing. you've got this, okay? 💞💗
#girlblogging#it girlism ୨𖹭୧#wonyoungism#it girl#pink pilates princess#friendship#best friends#mental health#health and wellness#thewizardliz#female hysteria#girlhood#self improvement#self growth#self love#self care#glow up era#it girl energy#that girl#becoming her#dream girl#dream life#mean girls#friendship breakup#self concept#self image#pinterest girl#girly stuff#princess#advice
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Pick a song ?
(Channeled messages)
💜
PILE 1 - The less I know the better
Your spirit guides are holding messages from you because they feel it’s the best you don’t know at this time !!! There are other things that should be taken care of right now by you !! They don’t want you to be obsessively thinking about what happened or why it happened!This separation or Disconnection between you and these people/person just know It’s not up to you to beat yourself up , you don’t deserve that !! It’s time to Put away the excuses & pick yourself up , don’t treat yourself like you aren’t worth a relaxing bath & a face mask or even a beautiful candle lit dinner. There is someone out there for you & this could even be solely friend based for some of you ! Like the people coming in your circle will be so supportive of your new life & new business ventures! They are here to support. Let them in ! Try not to pussh away!
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
PILE 2 - HELL N BACK
You’re now starting to notice the mental state you were in when your started a relationship, was not healthy it wasn’t even close to okay! You are actually baffled this person is still willing to stick it out and rock with you. They see the you , you haven’t been able to get in touch with ! I’m hearing they are acting as your mirror at this time !You may really be shying away from this person for that reason! It’s crazy how fast you Snap on this person sometimes ! They forgive and love you either way but they deem you a bit as snappy , but they really do chalk it up as like a “you” thing. They really would rather be with you than alone any day! You have a good one on your hands but I feel for you , you may need a mental break to find yourself ! Something is off here for you & it’s okay to admit it ! I would recommend being open about it by any means ! It helps to bring understanding into the dynamic.
*Especially if the transparency is private*🤫
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
PILE 3-ADORE
Now that you have discovered who you are outside of others perspective!! You are learning how to fall in love with your soul! You could have had your self esteem broken down BAD as far as 8/10 years ago , you’ve come this far on your journey understanding the things you’ve practiced have come in to action, landing you success in finding the reflective part of your soul! people tend to us others as mirrors … you chose to look within your own body to see who you are to YOU. You could be someone who does Acid or even takes your occasional shrooms , there is an emphasis on micro dosing!
So that could totally be your thing ,it helps you to be one with self! Especially after all of your broken moments regarding the relationship you built for / With self!!
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
PILE 4 - ICE SLIPPIN
Right now you’re so closed off !! I would go as far as saying you’re done with what life is offering right now (over it ) You could be feeling very protective over your heart at this point ! You’ve even relocated to grasp a bit of peace !! Someone could’ve really Took your heart out your chest and stepped on it ! Like they are so truly sorry and they just don’t know how to show that to you ever! It’s such a sad thing for this dynamic because it could’ve been something. you feel that you being closed off & cold is your answer! In reality it’s really numbing your true feelings… so bad. Your angels really need you to be honest with yourself about the track record of this relationship ! Was it bound to happen ? Were you numb to them ? Are you still ? There are so many question that need answers & that being hidden from you sometimes really devastates you because you desire to know more. You’re hurt and don’t know why ! That’s how it feels. You are not alone in this trust me. Your heavily heavily surrounded by Grand teachers & angels that are ready to go to war for you & are willing to teach you about how you can start to heal , it’s so time for you to begin to Build your strength back. It’s so necessary for the next steps for you and your opportunities ! I know this connection had you so emotionally attached. You were not the only one I promise !!!! They may hide it and throw it out the window but I guarantee you they are running in circles. It’s indeed time for you to
“criss cross apple sauce” ( very specific)
in the middle of the circle and elevate your energy right in their face at that!!!
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
Hope you enjoy 💜
IG: @Soleccentric
SONGS:
1: Tame impala - the less I know the better
2: BAKAR FT SUMMER WALKER - HELL N BACK
3: ADORE - WILLOW SMITH FT JAHNAVI HARRISON
4: ICE SLIPPIN - OMAR APOLLO
#pick a picture#love#music#tarotdaily#tarot reading#spirituality#pick a card#pick a pile#pac reading#tarot cards#tarotcommunity#creativity#oracle cards#wisdom#universal
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Posted 3/10/24
Idia x Reader
Included character(s): Idia Shroud
Setting: NRC
Emoji(s): 💙/💜/❤️
Perspective: Reader/Idia
: ̗̀➛ gn!reader
Scenario: See the screenshot below.
A/N: SEE @felixsterprankster? I TOLD YOU I'D DO IT! I DO KEEP MY PROMISES >:'D CREDIT TO YOU FOR THE IDEA BB/plat ♥︎
TW: Kinda angsty, nothing else really.
"I'm the best gamer ever; do you really think that you can beat me? Mwehehehehe!" Idia chuckled with a toothy smirk. You ignored him, your fingers punching out a combo attack.
You watched your character deliver the attack, but Idia's character managed to dodge it and delivered the finishing blow, landing a swift kick to your character's head.
Winner!
You saw the large letters appear on screen as your character was sent flying off screen. You sighed and flopped back on Idia's bedspread. He turned to with with a triumphant expression, his pale face illuminated by his blue, fiery hair.
You felt you heart skip a beat as his bright yellow eyes met yours. Idia, meanwhile, was rambling about how often he played the game and his favorite character, and sometimes throwing in helpful tips about how to improve.
You nodded and Idia clicked the rematch button. With his tips, you did a lot better than before. You lasted five minutes longer than the previous round, which against Idia, was pretty damn good. In the end though, he still won.
"You did better this time. You could've done a bunch of combos that would've totally KO'd me, but overall, pretty good." He said in a rare moment of genuine praise.
"See? This is why I love you." You said, then you immediately jumped up, your face feeling like it was in fire. You did not just say that out loud, you did not just say that out loud!
The tips of Idia's hair turned bright pink and he had a look that showed that he was still processing what you just said. You dashed to the door. "I- I have to g- go!" You manages to stutter out before flinging the door open and running down the hallway.
After you left, Idia was left in a state of shock. Did he mishear you? There wasn't any way that you would like him, right?! But then why did you run off? Did you seriously say... that you loved him?
Idia's head was spinning for the rest of the day, unable to think of anything else. This was just like an anime, in a way. Does that mean that in the end, you two would get together? No, no, life isn't anything like an anime. He knew that from experience. Why would you like some reclusive otaku like him as opposed to any of the other guys in NRC? However, the thought lingered in his mind: but you said you loved him.
Over the next few days, he tried texting you, but you never texted back. Maybe he was wrong? Did you... not like him? He was growing more and more desperate for an answer as the days passed, your accidental confession playing through his mind on repeat. There was no way that he misheard you, he was sure of that now. But why were you avoiding him? Was it out of embarrassment?
He eventually grew determined enough to track you down in person. He knew your schedule from earlier times you'd hung out to game together. He hesitated at the door, his introverted mind really asking if he was going to do this. He finally stepped outside and nearly ran right into Ortho.
"Oh, big brother! I was just about to come find you!" Ortho said, as if Idia ever left his room. Then Ortho blinked in surprise. "Hm? Is something wrong? Your hair is slightly pink and your heart rate is elevated. Are you sick?" Ortho hovered over to Idia worriedly.
"I- I'm fine, Ortho, don't worry. I just- um- have to do something." Idia managed to say in a coherent sentence. Ortho had a quizzical look on his face. "Are you going on another snack run? If you're that worried, I can—"
"Nope! All good." Idia cut in, hurrying down the hallway, pulling his hood up. He normally didn't even leave his room during the day, let alone leave the Iginhyde dorm! But he was on a mission.
"Just think of it as a quest, Idia." He muttered to himself. "Part one: find..." He couldn't even say your name. "... the person. They'll help with the next part of the quest."
Your eyes wandered the page of your quiz, your score written at the top corner.
57/100
Well, you could've done worse, you supposed, spinning your pen in your hand with a sigh. You flipped the page over and sighed. Your mind wandered to the incident. He probably thought you were so weird, especially after you ran off and didn't respond to his texts.
"Y/N? Are you alright?" You almost jumped out of your seat as a voice spoke next you. You turned around. "Oh- yeah, Trey, I'm fine." You replied. Trey gave you a dubious frown but nodded. "If you say so. We've been kinda concerned for you, admittedly."
"'We'?" You asked. Trey adjusted his glasses awkwardly. "Me, Cater, Lilia, and Rook. We noticed that you've been kinda off these past few days and wanted to make sure that you're okay."
"It's been that obvious?" You groaned, dropping your head— forehead first— onto the desk. Trey gave a slightly amused, "Mhm."
"Well- I've just had something on my mind. Don't worry, I'm fine." You mumbled, almost as embarrassed as when— nope, don't think about it!
"Alright then." Trey said and you heard his footsteps walking away. As soon as the bell rang, you jumped out of your seat and were out of the door.
"H- hey! Uh- Y/N, can we talk?" You stopped in surprise and spun around to see Idia, his fiery hair shifting around in agitation. "Uh- y'know, before all the normies show up?"
You nodded and you both ducked into an empty classroom to the left. You closed the door just as the rest of the students came flooding out into the hallway.
You stood awkwardly in front of Idia, who looked equally as uncomfortable. "So... um. What did you want to talk about?" You asked, though you already knew. Neither of you could meet the other's eyes.
"Eh- um- I wanted to t- talk about what y- you said. Y- y'know." He stammered, speaking quickly. You bit your lip. You honestly hadn't been expecting him to come after you to walk about it. You'd been hoping to steer clear of him for a few days to get an idea on how to address the situation.
"Oh- um...." You couldn't think of how to continue the conversation.
Luckily, Idia spoke up. "Did you... you really mean it? What you said?" His hair was half pink at this point, his sharp teeth biting into his lip.
You hesitated before nodding, feeling your face flush.
"I - um... I feel the same." Idia said quietly. You looked up in surprise.
"You're serious?" You asked incredulously. "Mhm..." He responded.
The ten second silence that followed was tense enough that you could cut through it with a knife. "So... are we...?" Idia started to ask, but he trailed off.
"If you want to." You said quickly. You both were too embarrassed to come out and say it.
"O- okay!" Idia grew noticeably happier. "Should we come up with boundaries or something? I'm not good at this..." He muttered.
"Sure. I think that we've been friends long enough to know what we're comfortable with in general terms." You said, thinking.
"Uh- no PDA! That's just so awkward!" Idia said suddenly, his cheeks tinged with pink. "Alright, that's fine." Your fingers fiddled with the your uniform, feeling your own face heat up once more.
"I... think that's it?" He mumbled. You gave a small, "Mhm," and shuffled your feet. You shifted your gaze from the floor to look at him. "I know that we just established the 'no PDA' rule, but can I hug you? There's no one around and the door's closed."
"S- sure." Idia said quickly, his shoulder tensing. You stepped forward and wrapped your arms around him. You felt his arms loop around you, hugging you back. You both gave each other a small smile.
TWST taglist: @edith-is-a-cat @twst-om-lover @officialdaydreamer00 @l7k-a @lu-lul @lyle-my-beloved @xen-blank @cookiesandbiscuits @mermaidfanficlibrary @doodler17 @felixsterprankster (tagging you again lol-) @v-anrouge
#idia shroud twst#twisted wonderland#disney twst#twst#twst wonderland#twisted wonderland idia#idia shroud#twst idia#idia#x reader#x gn!reader#idia x gn!reader#idia x reader#twst x reader
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THE READING TODAY IS: A Clear Message from Your Higher Self ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
today's reading is REALLY (and i mean straight-to-the-point) short because i am working on two youtube videos today!
Please come support over there!! I'll be linking my youtube on my blog posts from now on, as well as opening PAID personal readings very soon!!!
⚠️HOWEVER: I want to give FREE tarot readings to keep me connected to you guys and my intentions when starting my individual journey. So be on the lookout for my blog post(s) regarding all that information for FREE and PAID readings!! (( which i will ultimately attach to every blog post going forward once i work out the logistics! ))
my youtube channel
about me + why i am a tarot reader
** I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!
*** AND REMEMBER: your free will is always present within yourself; which has nothing to do with me or ANYBODY else.
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There are 4 piles and you will be picking through the Crystal Cards in the picture right below this text!!! Feel free to look at the specific photos for each pile to help you choose too !!!
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✨️🧚🏽♀️please choose your pile and may your intuition and inner knowing guide you to the pile with the energy most suited for you and most suited to help you along your path at this current point in time, no matter what that looks like🧚🏽♀️✨️
PILE 1- Rhodochrosite
PILE 2- Blue Lace Agate
PILE 3- Rose Quartz
PILE 4- Carnelian
** sometimes ( most of the time ) i will pick up on multiple energies that need attention or want to be expressed during the reading so i ASK YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS DURING MY READINGS:
depending on how the reader(YOU) chooses to look at the situation or however the situation resonates for the reader(YOU) and because this is a general reading;
⚠️you HAVE to be able to use your better discernment + better judgement skills to fully absorb the message and be able to do the necessary work to keep you on track for the future you WANT for yourself⚠️
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OKAY PILE 1:
The mental clarity is coming once you release the unnecessary burdens and get serious about your stability and future. Forget about the outside noise and focus on yourself for now! What do YOU want ? What do YOU need? Ask yourself, figure out the answers, then GET YOUR BUTT UP AND MOVING TOWARDS THAT DESIRED OUTCOME!!! Help YOU by helping YOURSELF, NOT someone else!!
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OKAY PILE 2:
Celebrate your success(es) with trusted, loving family and friends because YOU HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TOO!! Get excited about how far you've come and how exciting it is to finally achieve this success! And dont worry about the hardwork required to maintain this achievement or even achieve another NEW thing! You have the drive, tenacity, and spirit to overcome any and all hardships that could knock you off your path/trajectory!
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OKAY PILE 3:
You have to CONTINUE to walk away from people, places, things, old belief systems, perspectives that aren't helping expand your mind or actions, OLD WAYS OF BEING OR DOING!!! ;;; to be able to achieve what it is you so desperately want and deserve!!! + start collaborative projects with other people!!!! It starts with realizing no one or NO thing can stop you from creating the change you wish to see within yourself or the world. You hold the answers to shifting your current reality to match your desires!!
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OKAY PILE 4:
You're powerful, You're charismatic, You're so smart and intelligent OF COURSE YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT!! That new beginning ( specifically in your finances, but can apply to all new beginnings ) you want for yourself is achievable but you must be willing to plan, be decisive, and work hard through them trenches and missteps you may make to be able to actualize it into your reality!!!! Believe in yourself and watch yourself take what you deserve to have AND help yourself achieve your dreams! Dont get discouraged!!!! KEEP MOVING, KEEP GOING!!!
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I sincerely hope you received what you needed and released what you don't !! See you again soon!! Take it easyyy and just breathe and fllooowwww!!! you got this! byyeee~🧚🏽♀️✨️
**please let me know how I'm doing in any way you can! that is the easiest way to support me and also a good way to signal to me that I should keep going + any helpful advice from the community would be welcomed and appreciated 🥺 🥹 🙏🏼
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⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
**ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!
***AND REMEMBER: your own free will is always present within you; which has nothing to do with me or ANYBODY else.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
#tarot blog#tarotcommunity#tarotonline#tarot journal#tarot reading#witch aesthetic#pick a card#pick a pile#spirituality#pac#fairy aesthetic#higher self#oracle messages#pick a crystal#pick a picture#messages from the universe#channeled message#messages from spirit#tarot messages#messages from the stars#free tarot#free readings#free tarot reading
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Hi Aly! I love your writing so much! Can I request Arisu, Karube, and Chishiya headcannons with a smart significant other? Only if you feel writing it of course :) Thank you if you do - I look forward to seeing what you write next!!
y'all i finished revenge of others and i am OBSESSED with seok jaebum... anyways! i added kyuma and banda as characters i'll write for, so in the future feel free to request for them<3
there are a lot of different types of smarts in life (book smarts, street smarts, emotional intelligence, etc.) so i just had s/o written out as a combination of all of them. here you go nonnie!
warnings: none :)
arisu, chishiya, and karube with a smart s/o
arisu ryohei
arisu is so boyfriend material haha, he's always sooo impressed with you.
he knew you had a decent amount of intelligence based off of the test scores you showed him from university, but the first time you were fully able to show it off was during a game
it was a diamonds game, which wasn't exactly his strong suit (literally)
arisu is actually pretty smart himself, but he couldn't keep up with you during the game. your mind was working so fast and figuring things out at lightning speed
the group managed to finish the game with barely any casualties thanks to your quick mind and brilliant strategies. naturally, arisu had to bring it up in conversation
this boy showers you in compliments! he's so so sweet
he's your biggest fan, always bragging about you and rambling on about how amazing it was that you were able to do something so quick
you're the first person he'll come to if he needs anything at all.
he truly does trust your intuition more than his own. if you have a bad feeling about something, he makes sure to look at it through your viewpoint to try and understand what he's missing
more often than not, your warnings come in handy and he dodges a bullet. when he doesn't listen, he tends to notice things usually go bad
arisu also has smarts, so when the two of you start talking about whatever, those specific talks can go on for hours and hours
you both bring up new perspectives and different opinions and it's just so great
he's really really thoughtful and it makes the two of you super compatible :)
before he dropped out of university, you two were definitely study partners.
sometimes he would get a little too reliant on your knowledge and found himself basically dumping his entire homework load onto you
you never really noticed though, and you managed to help him solve the problems with such ease that it didn't really feel like homework at all
this benefitted both of you greatly though, because each time he solved a problem with your help he got a kiss as a reward
oh, plus cuddle breaks in between
and if he managed to solve three problems in a row without much of your help? you basically pampered him with kisses all over his face
his family absolutely loves you
kind of sad, but his dad and brother really like you because they believe you have the potential they think arisu lacks
you never treat them disrespectfully, but you definitely talk shit about them behind closed doors with arisu
cause how dare they talk about your precious bf like that?
you're kind of a mediator for him, karube, and chota though
hate to say it, but putting these three together inevitably causes stupid ideas to come up
you try to be the voice of reason. sometimes they listen to you, sometimes they don't
karube will playfully call you a 'buzzkill' because you shoot down their dangerous adventures, but it's all with good intent
when you're not around them, karube and chota will definitely hype you up to arisu though
"how did you even manage to pull someone so smart arisu?"
"his dad must be paying her, huh chota?"
on the other side though, sometimes the two of you clash.
arisu undeniably thinks with his heart most of the time. especially outside of games
you tend to stick with your brains and rely on them to get you through tough situations. this can lead to some tough arguments
you think of things logically and he comes at it emotionally, so sometimes it's hard to see eye-to-eye
you both love each other a lot though, so you always figure something out at the end of the day
you trust in your head so you tend to be stubborn and need time to yourself, but he will always rely on his feelings for you to get through these types of things
overall...
expect a lot of praise and reliance from him
he finds you super trustworthy and levelheaded, so your his go-to for anything at anytime
chishiya shuntaro
oh boy, i don't even know where to start with him? let's just say... things can get intense
chishiya is highly intelligent. you are also highly intelligent. this is where you both struggle
you can pick his brain a little too good for his liking and sometimes it bothers him. he can't really get anything past you, and the same goes the other way around
he can tend to get manipulative when things go south, and you match his energy
things that work on anybody else don't work on you, and it kind of freaks him out lol
he likes to be in control of everything around him, which includes the feelings of other people. you don't give him the chance to do this
this leads to a lot of passive aggressiveness and tension
but the tension is honestly the best part of your relationship
there is so much teasing and banter between the two of you
you both play the high-stakes game of 'who can get a smart remark past the other one first' and it makes things really fun
affection can get really exciting between the two of you because of this. after a day full of teasing it's quite interesting to see who breaks first in terms of relationship things
honestly? most of the time it's you, but when you decide to get stubborn and hold out, chishiya gets a little touchy and you find it cute
when you both have a common goal you make a great team
it's very true that two heads are greater than one
when one person makes the plan, the other will go over it and quickly catch any mistakes or holes that are missing
anything that you both work on together is almost unsettlingly perfect
while your smarts can sometimes lead to incompatibility, there are certain things that the two of you understand about each other that no one else does
you both can have really great conversations with each other. you don't have to hold back any of your thoughts because you know chishiya will always understand them, and it's great
you and him look at things objectively all the time, so emotions don't tend to get in the way of things you place higher priority over
both of you need your alone time, so codependency is never an issue
finally, you understand chishiya like nobody else does. you know how his brain works and you know how he views things. the best part about it? you send him no judgement
chishiya doesn't think of you as a chore because he's aware that you're probably the smartest person in a room full of people. he doesn't have to take care of you which is bliss for him
you guys have a lot of inside jokes as well, things so deeply exclusive to only you two that nobody dares to understand
you're a very intimidating couple
it's kind of difficult to make couple friends due to this intimidation factor, so double dates are off the table
chishiya was never much of a people person anyway, so it doesn't bother him
you're perfectly content mentally stimulating each other. things never get boring around him
overall...
you're able to perform the crazy feat of being seen as an equal by the one and only chishiya!
he's clever, but so are you. as much as it can be an annoyance, he actually finds you very entertaining
there's definitely a lot of trust between you two simply because you're one in the same. you know the saying 'don't do anything i wouldn't do'? basically your relationship in a nutshell
karube daikichi
karube is such a showoff LMAO
as a bartender, he comes across a lot of aggressive drunk dudes that aren't afraid to diss him and the things he holds dear to him. his family, his friends, and you as well
as childish as it is, his favorite thing to hit them with is "i bet my s/o is smarter than yours"
he just absolutely loves to use you as bragging rights and it's great
he's constantly learning from you and is extremely interested in anything you say
karube didn't graduate high school. he will absolutely eat up any fact you tell him and loves to learn things from you
he thinks the way that you talk is so captivating and will continuously ask you to repeat yourself just so he can hear you speak
he shares the facts you told him with arisu and chota and feels so smart
when they ask him where he learned that, he will proudly tell them that he got it from you
he doesn't feel inferior to you at all lol, he absolutely worships you
at first you were a bit hesitant to accept how much praise he would give you, but you eased up to it
similar to arisu, compliments compliments compliments
they're all over the place
he will brag about you to anything that breathes, especially when you're around
he actually finds that talking about you to other people is more fun than talking about himself. you're truly his gem and he finds you so special
he really likes to see you in your element and could watch you for hours
whether it's math, science, art, or whatever you're good at
when you start to really get into something, you focus on it entirely and he finds it super interesting to watch
he likes to watch the little habits you do. the only one he's pointed out to you is how you tap your thumb on the pads of your other fingers back and forth
he likes to hear you get logical
he sometimes tells you about the people that come into the bar and spill their life stories
when he does this, he will purposefully ask you to break down your thoughts so he can get an understanding of what your brain is thinking
"well obviously the reason his wife is asking him to clean up the dishes is because she's trying hard to get a promotion at work and comes home tired everyday! how can he not see that? she's not working hard for nothing..."
"really, babe? i didn't think of it that way"
he especially enjoys it when you start to criticize people and get a little snarky with them. he witnessed it once when someone was giving you attitude and he thought it was the hottest thing he had ever seen
you basically broke down their emotions for them and matched their tone, but did it in such a cool way lol his heart was pounding
overall...
karube thinks your smarts are such an amazing feature
he can't match them but he's totally okay with it, because now he has a smart s/o that is totally better than anybody else's
#aib#alice in border x reader headcanons#fanfic#fanfiction#x reader#aib x reader#alice in borderland#alice in borderland x reader#arisu ryohei headcanons#chishiya shuntaro x reader#chishiya shuntaro#arisu ryohei x reader#arisu x reader#arisu ryohei#chishiya#chishiya shuntaro headcanons#chishiya x reader#chishiya shuntaro x reader headcanons#karube#karube x reader#karube daikichi#karube daikichi x reader#karube daikichi headcanons#karube daikichih x reader headcanons
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