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loveyourlovelysoul · 3 months

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Trying to heal the fact that you're rarely felt seen and heard constantly from the outside and that you were often abandoned, can be a very long and stressful journey. Everything may trigger you: from having people taking all they can and giving you nothing or crumbs, not paying attention to/forgetting what you say or talking over you, misinterpreting you, leaving you suddenly or ghosting you, not asking how you do even though you do with them, remembering all the people that suddenly left you because they didn't had time for you anymore or didn't feel like including you and worrying if it's all that is gonna happen in your life...

It's pretty saddening and heartbreaking. And it may make you wonder if, by standing your ground and not accepting this but asking for respect, you're being too much/exaggerating it all or not. But you're very likely not exaggerating, you're just trying to learn to receive what you deserve. You're making yourself feel heard and seen by those who don't or aren't aware that they're not considering you (at times it's a matter of different sensitivity, of different points of view). And that's just you trying to balance things out. Keep working on this as at first your resentment may ring a bell even when it's not strictly necessary (you may get triggered also by behaviours that can be coincidental but they sum up to your past experiences, hence yes you may be exaggerating at times but you need to be too much too in order to find a balance); keep healing your heart: people won't always take a part of you and leave, nor you will have to leave them cause they hurt you. Find your true voice and let it be heard and respected.

#words #healing #important #positivity #thoughts #self love #self healing #positive thinking #healingjourney #self care #self help #self support #recovery #reminders #tw abandoment #relationships #resentment #triggers

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this-world-of-beautiful-monsters · 2 years

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did wander darkling in the eternal space

Title taken from the poem Darkness by Lord Byron (George Gordon).

Prompt: Dead of Night

TMNT 2012.

You can find the whole collection on AO3 here.

(tw mental health issues, identity crisis, self-doubt, suicide attempt, somewhat unreliable narrator, abandonment, past deception)

It's dark up here, April thinks idly, brushing a careful toe along the rooftops. She's in her fluffy socks, cool wood digging into her feet as she makes her way along the roof. Ninja grace means she doesn't have to worry about balance, but she lets herself sway a little anyway, just for kicks.

"April?"

The voice is small and soft, almost frightened. April tilts her head at the sound, wincing at the tender flare in her skull. She's still recovering from her battle with the beast Mikey so aptly refers to as the Mom-Thing.

"Hey, Raph," she calls, and instantly knows she didn't say it right. Her voice is dull and flat, almost a monotone; she thinks of the Kraangbots and shudders. But she doesn't know how to sound like anything else right now. She's far too tired.

"Ape, what are you doin' up here? It's the middle of the night." He climbs quietly, but she can hear his voice rising, joining her on the roof. Beneath them the rest of the house sleeps or pretends to.

If she wanted to, April thinks, she could feel exactly how many people beneath them had collapsed into exhaustion, and how many people were still bolt awake. If she wanted to, she could feel the shape of everyone's worries and nightmares, every terrible memory her not-mother had left behind. If she wanted to, she could--

She takes another, abrupt step, foot grinding against the edge of the roof. The trees rattle in the distance, and she tilts her head back, savoring the cool kiss of wind against her face.

"April?" Raph asks. He sounds nothing like his boisterous daily self, but April had learned that self was bullshit a long time ago. Or at least she thinks she learned it. Maybe she just reached into his mind and took it like everything else.

"It's dark out here," April says idly. A second, and then she adds, "Quiet, too. A lot quieter than the city."

"Yeah..." An awkward little shuffle. "Weird, huh?"

"Mm-hmmm." She lurks up into her toes, balancing like the ballerina she hasn't been in such a long time. "I never got to go out here as a kid, you know. My dad told me that Grandma and Grandpa didn't like him, 'cause they blamed him for Dad's death." She sways back and forth, just a little bit out over the edge.

"Ape--"

"But then I thought, couldn't they share custody with him or something? Get me on the weekends? They're old money, they could manage it, if they wanted. Unless they didn't want to. Unless Dad wasn't the one that they blamed."

Raph laughs with a tongue of nervous hysteria. "C'mon, Ape. That's crazy talk."

"Yeah." She smiles to herself. "Crazy." She closes her eyes, listens. In the distance she swears she can feel the soft spike of panic as a small animal dies to sharp claws, a slow bloom of misery of another creature bleeding out in a trap.

"Listen, April, why dontcha come down from there?"

"Why?" she asks, genuinely curious. "We've done wackier stunts from bigger heights, haven't we?"

"Yeah, but..." Raph shuffles awkwardly back and forth. "You--you've been actin' weird, since the Mom-Thing. We're worried, Ape."

"Does that scare you?" she asks. And then, because she feels like it's easy to be blunt up here in the dark like this, "Do I scare you?"

A sharp gasp. "What the fuck, Ape, of course not! We'd never be scared of ya!"

"Really?" She laughs, cold and harsh, the sound chewed up by the shadows and vanishing into the night. "That makes one of us, at least."

"Look, can we talk about this downstairs? I'm gettin' kind of nervous up here. Or I could get Donnie, Leo--"

April smiles to herself. "You can go whenever you want," she says pleasantly. "It's late, after all." She peers down into the darkness beneath her; she can't see now, but she knows that the fall probably isn't long enough to kill her. Not unless she was smart about it; not unless she aimed carefully.

"I'm probably going to turn in for the night soon," she says. "Monsters need their rest too, after all."

Raph takes a deep breath. "You ain't a monster, Ape. Ya hear me? You ain't a thing like the one you killed today."

"Well, I seem to have a habit of palling around with them," April replies. "This isn't the first time I've let a monster close, is it?" She keeps her voice calm, but the words stab all her tender wounds like knives. It's okay, though. She deserves it.

"You made a mistake, April," Raph protests. "Everybody makes a mistake. And you saved our asses both times, didn'tcha?"

"Right. I mean, who better to kill a monster than another monster?"

"That ain't what I--"

"I know," April says. She knows this because she knows Raph, not because of her power--at least, she's pretty sure that's how she goes. Or maybe the truth is that both possibilities overlap to the point that it no longer matters which is which. "You'd never think such a thing, Raph. You're a good person."

"Yeah, I am," Raph says gruffly. "And so're you. Ape, if anyone knows the difference between a monster and not a monster, it's us, and you're not a monster."

"Mom didn't agree with you," April says before she can think.

Raph doesn't ask what she's talking about, but April can feel him freeze anyway. She can taste the shock and confusion pulsing through the air, heavy on her tongue.

"I was in my grandpa's office," she explains. "After I got out of the shower." After she'd had to go clean her not-mother's blood and guts off of her while the others washed up downstairs. "I...I needed a distraction, but I wasn't sure what to do, so I thought I'd tidy up. Lucky, huh?"

"April..."

"I found something," and the words are spilling out of her, fast and relentless like a river unbound. "A note from my mom to her parents, talking about how she had to run, leave my dad, change her name and cut herself off from me and anything and everything she'd known. She told them that I wasn't--that I wasn't her daughter. That whoever she'd given birth to, wherever that child was, it wasn't me.

"She left, Raph." And the tears that have been haunting her since she found the note claw up her throat, choking her. "She didn't die or get kidnapped, she left. Because there is something very wrong with me."

A shocked heartbeat, and then Raph rallies. "Then she was nuts, okay? It happens. Or she was scared or confused or--"

"She talked about changelings, in the note," April says. "Like fairy tales, y'know? Like something came into her house that looked like her, but wasn't, and it left something in her house, something that called itself her daughter, and--”

"April--"

"And what if I killed my mom today?"

The words bust out of her before she can stop them, the one terrible thing she hadn't considered until now. "What if...what if that thing you wrapped up in trash bags and burned, what if that was my real mom?”

She’s rounding on Raph, heels skidding out over the edge, and gesturing to herself. "What if this is the lie? What if one day I'm goin’ to open up and a monster is going to come out and kill you or merge with you or something even worse?"

"Then it doesn't fucking matter," Raph growls, and his eyes are glowing bright, so bright against the dark. "It doesn't matter what you are, it matters what you do, and you, April O'Neil, would never do anything like that."

She wants to believe him so fucking bad, but-- "And if I'm just making you say that?"

"April, you'll drive yourself crazy with the what-ifs." There's such desperate love in his eyes that April wants to die. "We've all been there-""

"But it's not just a fucking what-if, Raph!" She's angry now, so angry at his refusal to understand, and she swears she can feel the tiles start to shift beneath her feet. "I don't know how these powers work, I don't know why I use them sometimes and why I can't use them at others, I don't know if I ever stop using them."

"Look, we can talk to Donnie about this--"

"Donnie?" April lets out a bitter laugh, twisted by self-loathing. "The one who loves me the most?"

"I don't understand...April, please." Raph takes a step forward and April lurches back, skidding even farther over the edge; he freezes. "Please, please just come down from there so we can talk about this."

"Is that you talking, or me?"

"What? I--"

"Because it could be me," April says, desperately. “Don't you understand? If I'm like that Mom-Thing, and if my mom saw that from the beginning, that means I could be anything, I could do anything, and I wouldn't even know, just like when I have a hunch and I don't know where it's coming from. I could make you forgive me for what happened today, I could make you forgive me for getting Leo hurt and your dad killed-

"Splinter ain't dead and it wasn't your--"

"I could make you take me back after I acted like a shitbag and left, hell, I could be making you let me win in sparring!" She lets out a half-hysterical giggle. "I'm a fucking decade behind you guys, how the hell do I manage to land so many punches? And I could make Donnie love me, without even trying, because I was made to enslave people just like that--"

"Stop it!" Raph’s yelling so loudly April can feel the others stirring awake beneath them. "Quit it, okay! You, you win fights because you're a badass and you work harder than anyone I've ever known, and we forgive you for shit 'cause that's what friends fucking do, and Donnie loves you 'cause he never fucking got over Beauty and the Beast!

"And I don't know why the fuck your mom left, but I do know there isn't a shred of real proof you've done anything like that to anyone. It's all just fucking DNA and shit."

"But we can’t be sure," and this, finally, is when her voice breaks. "We don't know, Raph, and isn't that the worst part? Because we could just keep on not knowing, and then I'll wake up and I'll have dragged you all into a fucking hive and then it'll be too late."

Raph's beautiful green eyes are wide and panicked, his stance tense like he somehow thinks he can drag her back from the edge. What would he and his brothers feel if she was gone? Would they cry, weep, scream? Or would they buckle with the same kind of relief she felt from them when she killed her (not-?)mother?

She turns away and looks out into the dark, dark world, dark as the space her creators crawled from. Dark and wicked and comforting in a way that few things feel these days. She takes a deep breath, lets the night air fill her lungs one last time.

"There's only one way we can both be really, truly sure of what I am," she tells the night, so quiet she's not certain Raph can hear it. "Only one way to know how the story ends."

She steps off the edge, into the black ocean.

From a distance she can hear Raph scream her name, but the sound is muffled and warped by the sudden whoosh of air. April twists, aiming herself like an arrow, mind drawn to the little clump of insects bustling underneath that one pile of nice, hard rocks near the house. She lets herself go, lets herself fall--

And is jerked by a halt when strong hands wrap around her leg. She screams, too shocked to try and twist free even though it's not the first time she's been grabbed like this by far. Raph hauls her up with a roar of effort, dumping her gracelessly onto the root.

The impact jolts April back into action and she launches upright, snarling. Raph jumps on her, pinning her down--and, and she should be able to knock him off, with her body and her mind, but she can't. She can feel the power building, the roof rattling beneath them, ready to send Raph flying, but she can't--it won't--she won't--

"Go on," Raph whispers, an inch away from her face. "You wanna make me do shit? Make me let ya die."

She can't breathe, can't think. Raph's eyes burn through her, so bright they make the darkness look pale.

"You wanna die so bad, you better be ready to take me with ya, Ape," Raph growls, fingers shaking as he clings to her like he might die if he lets go, while the others clatter up onto the roof. "Cause we ain't sayin' goodbye tonight."

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psychotically-empty · 9 months

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i get so fucking numb and empty feeling when people talk aabout their childhood or stories they had as kids. even the really sad shit. i cant remember almost anything from before i was 12.

i have nothing.

i was nothing.

i am nothing.

#bpd vent #vent #bpd #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd favorite person #bpd fp #actually borderline #tw depressing thoughts #tw self destruction #tw sui ideation #tw selfhate #depressing shit #trauma #child trauma #abandoment issues #child neglect #childhood neglect

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thismightbeacryforhelpwhoknows · 1 year

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i have a talent for loneliness, i would be alone in a crowd. but it is entirely my fault.

i run from embrace and hide from people's warmth because everytime i've had it before it has been stolen from me and i will be left on the floor, broken and bloody. again.

i shut down and keep them out but still silently demand that they see me. i want them to push back when i tell them no and fight me to stay because how else can i be sure that with me is where they want to remain.

all the while, there is a little girl sat alone on the floor, cold and alone, in need of hand to guide her back to a home she has never known.

#depression poems #depressing shit #mentally unhinged #its getting bad again #childhood trauma #bpd vent #abandoment issues #tw abandonment #fear of abandonment #emotional abandonment #abandoned

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vixensofdeath · 7 months

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I feel them leaving me. I feel the distance, I feel the lack of love and care, I feel that they’re not going to stick around much longer. I’m too tired to latch onto people anymore. I always try to make them stay but I’m tired of trying to make it work. I cant waste more energy on people who don’t want me or my time like I do for them.

It pisses me off that I have to be the friend only there to make other people feel good and not the friend that people want to hang out with, I don’t want to be used but I have to be if I want any kind of attention and it’s fucking horrible to live in this loop of unhappiness trying to fill the void with substances or fake friends or addictions or anything I can get my hands on and claw the life out of.

there has to be more than this. there has to be more than just this never ending cycle of shit with a sprinkle of happiness.

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the-grand-gemini · 4 months

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Wyll Ravengard thoughts/writing prompt:

Wyll's identity is so heavily focused on his father, which absolutely makes sense given his upbringing with only the one parent, but that doesn't mean sometimes Wyll never wonders what his life would be like if she'd been there. He doesn't necessarily miss his mother as he never had her, but there are moments of "what if". What would father be like, would his expectations have been the same, would his mother have stopped him from being sent away, would she have come with him if Ulder would not let him remain in Baldur's Gate, would she too have cast him out, would she have written to him after he left the Gate, would she make father stay in touch too? Wyll carries a sense of loss and nostalgia he has no means of placing. His mother is an empty shadow in his mind.

Which brings me to this: I can't get the idea out of my head that after Wyll is transformed he feels he's lost part of the gift that his mother gave him. Specifically his eyes. Are Ulder Ravengard's eyes also brown like Wyll's? Probably, but maybe Wyll's eyes were the same shade of brown his mother's were... He had already lost one during battle, and now his remaining eye has been touched by the Hells.

The scene that made me think of this is when Karlach is mourning the loss of the heart that her mother gave her. I feel like Wyll is still probably in relative shock over his changed form and is experiencing body dysmorphia. He would hear Karlach's words and suddenly have another moment of heart break. A thought that had not sat with him yet while too busy trying to adjust to his new form and survive their adventure. The gift that his mother gave him has been corrupted and it's his fault.

(Not that it's actually his fault given that he was a teenager when forced to take Mizora's deal, but you can't tell me Wyll doesn't feel guilty at times for "failing" to meet his father's expectations and internalized that sense of shame)

Even though he's never really met his mother as she passed before he could know her, he feels another level of loss. The body she died giving to him has been altered, the eye(s) in the mirror watching him are no longer his mother's. Maybe one day there will be some relief. His changed body is a means of stepping out of the shadow of who his father expected him to be. But for now there is loss and mourning a gift given by someone he never knew.

I just feel like Wyll doesn't get as much writing and we don't really get to deeply explore the horror of having your body altered without your consent! Which thematically everyone in the party is desperately trying to avoid having their body altered via the illithid tadpol! What we do get are a few brief lines saying that we are sorry and that he's still himself (as well as very handsome if not more so because... horns 👀💦).

I need to read about Wyll mourning himself and accepting his new body. Confronting his father for abandoning him in a time of need. Remembering his father choosing his duty to the city over his duty to him as his child. I mean he could have retired! He and Wyll could have moved to the country OR travelled the coast together fighting for others! However that didn't happen and I feel like a bigger discussion is needed before healing that bond.

You can't tell my young Wyll Ravengard, who loves his father so much he already forgave him the moment he was cast out, didn't cry his heart out alone under the night sky the first time he was on his own. That he doesn't suppress those emotions constantly, because yes he doesn't regret sacrificing himself to protect the people of Baldur's Gate, but that doesn't mean he doesn't weep knowing his father's love was conditional.

I need a discussion where he worries that Tav may choose to leave him someday if he cannot meet their expectations. He knows its unfounded, but the hurt inside himself remains.

I want to see Wyll struggle with his changed body and rediscover himself. Either with the support of a romanced Tav or just the entire team as a supportive found family there to help him.

If anyone wants to use this as a writing prompt please go ahead and tag me if you do so I can read it!

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psychotically-empty · 8 months

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im so easily forgotten.

and no one ever knows because why would they remember?

its just me. why bother remembering me?

#bpd #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd vent #vent #actually borderline #bpd fp #tw depressing thoughts #tw abandonment #abandoment issues #mentally ill shit #mentally exhausted #feeling alone

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thevoid-isthe-onlyone-ican-trust · 1 month

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Right when I think I am sane again...

I fuck up.

Right when I think I only need myself but having a partner would be nice...

I fuck up.

And then I break down in tears begging you to not leave me like this. Begging you to forgive every mistake I ever made.

In these moments I really see that I do not deserve you. You deserve someone who doesn't hurt you.

I love you with all my heart and I would do anything for you but I have a loose mouth and I talk faster than I think. I say the stupidest shit and immediately regret when I realize what my words have caused.

I called you and you picked up... Despite the fact I hurt you...again.

And I am so thankful because I was so so so so close to cutting your initials into my thigh. No I am not exaggerating, yes that was my first thought when my breakdown started.

Even the thought of loosing you makes my eyes go red from crying and my body, breath and mind shake.

I can't imagine a future without you. You are my everything.

I breath for you.

Please don't leave me, I'll do everything you want and of course I try to watch my mouth more.

I wish I could just sew it shut so my words can't hurt you anymore.

I love you I love you I love you please never leave me I will fucking kill myself if I have to live without you. I love you I love you I love you I love you

Before anyone says that this is melodramatic I am on this app to let my feelings and thoughts loose so if you judge me then just unfollow me.

#mentally unstable #obsessive love #yanderecore #obsession #yandere #tw yandere #yancore #yandere thoughts #yandere blog #yandere coping #yanblr #obsessive thoughts #obsessive yandere #actually obsessive #mentally fucked #mentally exhausted #emotional #emotional attachment #abandoment issues

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