mutual obsession or nothing at all

I can do nothing but beg for death

I want to trust you but I can't.

i wish i had never woken up

BPD is so confusing. I don't want to be in another relationship again, I'm too afraid of them leaving me. But I want to have sex. I can't have casual sex though. Now I want more than that, I want to cuddle and be told that I'm precious and such a good girl. I want someone to tell me how good I'm doing and how proud they are of me. I want to cuddle someone to sleep while I'm wearing a t-shirt and they're completely naked. I want them to spoon me. But I'm too scared to be in another relationship. I can't deal with another person leaving me. I can't deal with anyone else, period. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of being used. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to rot. I deserve everything that comes to me but God damnit deep down I know I just want to be truly, purely, completely loved.

What people without BPD think BPD is like: oooo wow I’m so obsessed with you X3 I’m so crazy and abusive, I’m a horrible person >w<

What it’s actually like: hell.

Typical BPD Weekend

Friday: Drink too much and split on someone you really like because they’re not giving you the attention you want. You feel like you’re losing them, so why not fucking self sabotage and push them away before they can leave you anyways? You were angry, they don’t appreciate you like you do them, so fuck ‘em. They’re nothing to you, just like you are to them. Once a God, now a Dog.

Saturday: Spend all day in a state of high anxiety feeling like you’re a hair away from having a panic attack, waiting to hear from the person you split on even though you know this time you really took it too far. You try to tell people what happened, but how can you put into words why you reacted the way you did…? Clean obsessively. Pace around. Stare at phone. Repeat this process until you can stare at the ceiling for hours, begging for sleep so you can stop thinking about it.

Sunday: Anxiety is replaced by depression when you accept that you really did fuck it up this time and you won’t hear from the person you split on. Try to stay busy and not think about it or them - even lying to yourself it won’t be so bad without them - but it’s all consuming. They left like you knew they would, and you were right… right? You’re always right when it comes to people leaving you. Even so, why is there physical pain radiating in your chest?

The hit of dopamine and euphoria I get from hearing back from someone I thought was going to abandon me is a high I wouldn’t wish on others. It disgusts me. I fucking hate BPD. (I think I hate myself more.)

fuck this shit they’ll never get it anyway

Current mood: Casually suicidal, with a hint of lemon

i am cursed. i will forever be the girl who loves more

I’m only loved when someone needs something

Only cared about when you want to take something from me

So I give everything in hopes you may stay a little longer

i just wanna cut and cut and cut and cut until i’m dead