#sorry i wrote that two years ago and no ones had an issue and now i do not really want to fix it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hellfire--cult · 4 months

Text

Omega!Eddie Munson x Alpha!Fem!Reader

wc: 9.1k

+18 mdni omegaverse, enemies to lovers, fated mates, knotting, mentions of heatand rut, submissive behaviour, explicit, oral (69), p in v (no protection), fluff, biting, late presentation, omegan virginity

Plot: Eddie was a regular at your music store, and his scent, even for a Beta, was delicious to you. Someone who never enjoyed the scent of other people, not even Omegas. The difference is that Eddie repulsed your scent... or so you thought.

a/n: welcome to roe's omega boys series. Billy is next. Enjoy.

If you liked it, reblog, it's literally just one button, thank u.

FATED

Most days you didn’t care who was coming into the store and who didn’t.

Recently, the introduction of portable CD players changed the record store into a ‘Music Store’ because now you sold those shiny holographic albums. The business boomed, and as the store owner you were always there, standing proudly at how much clientele your little shop in Starcourt Mall brought in.

You were the first shop to bring in these new devices and the albums and recordings for them to be played. It was a tight money investment, but it honestly brought you more income than ever, and people loved this new technology, and thanks to that, you were now gaining profit.

But it also brought in the worst customer you ever had.

“Robin, please help him. I’m not dealing with his shit today.” You said groggily to your best friend and coworker.

“Honestly, I know there are other shops with the albums he always buys, I don’t know why he is adamant about coming here.” Robin only commented while walking over to that customer who made you crack your neck more than once during his visit.

You looked at how Robin confidently talked to him because she had told you she had known him since high school. You came to Hawkins after you had presented as an Alpha two years ago. You just needed to be independent, and Atlanta was not doing it for you in any way. The smell and scents were disgusting there, and you never once missed it except for your mother.

Now, in 1997, and at 25 years old you had a very successful store, and you had met amazing friends. Steve Harrington, an Omega who is mated with Alpha Billy Hargrove. Robin a Beta who is happily dating another Beta, Chrissy. Billy Hargrove had a rough exterior, but whenever Steve sat on his lap the Alpha would just snuggle him, scenting him with a big dopey smile on his face and you wondered how that felt.

Were you ever going to meet that person?

You believed you had a condition because it couldn’t be possible that you didn’t like any Omega scent that wasn’t mated yet. You were never attracted to the scent, so the only people you have been sleeping with have been Betas. Doctors said that you didn’t have any medical issues going on.

So maybe you were just… different. You have heard of Alphas being attracted to Alphas only, or Betas, but… it’s not like you weren’t attracted to Omegas, it was just their scent. It made your nose scrunch up continuously.

You were ticking off the items on the merchandise list, doing inventory to see what albums need another order. Maybe fifteen CDs will suffice? You wrote that for Nirvana and you cannot believe that you were out of Backstreet Boys already. You ordered a new batch last week, but you could only smile at the teenagers screaming on the counter whenever they could purchase that disc.

You were startled when a loud thump on the counter made you snap back up, looking at the cause of the noise. One disc, just the new Aerosmith album. You sighed already knowing who was purchasing this item and your gaze slowly went up to see that dopey stupid grin on his face while Robin said ‘Sorry’ from behind him.

“Do I get a discount for being a regular client?”

Fuck him. Fuck Eddie Munson.

“Fuck no. If I could, I would raise the price for you only.” You gritted out of your lips, scanning the CDs in the register. You heard him hum in thought but you just kept punching the numbers in the machine to then look up at him. “18 bucks Munson.”

“Shit princess, your prices kill people, you know that?” He commented while shaking his head but he was still taking his wallet out. He put the bill on the counter and you rolled your eyes, putting the 20 bill into the register and handing him the change placing it on the counter for him to take.

“If you don’t like my prices, you can always go to the shops downtown.” You spat at him, anger filling your entire body, only to hear him chuckle.

“If I do that, I won’t be able to make your good day turn into a bad one.” You wanted to hiss at this fucker. You are an Alpha and he was a Beta. Who the fuck does he think he is disrespecting you like that? You never cared for designations but with Eddie? Oh, you fucking did.

“Don’t make me kick you the fuck out of my store.” He raised his hands in defeat, taking the album from the counter and taking a step away, the chains around his hips clinking.

“Don’t miss me too much.” He grinned at you and walked out of the doors and you shot a pissed-off look towards Robin. She finished helping a client and then walked over to you, letting a sigh out.

“He slipped from my fingers in a second. I don’t know how he did it, but he did.” You growled in a low tone at the situation, making Robin back away slightly from you and you sighed, shaking your head.

“Sorry Robs… It’s just, it fucking irks me.” You said as you scratched the patch over your scent gland. It was itchy but ever since he fucking said that to you, you couldn’t help but feel conscious about yourself.

“Cover that up, your scent is repulsing.”

That’s what he had said when he first entered the store two months ago. You bared your teeth at him and he had taken a step backwards. A cocky little Beta. But a Beta that…

“I know… Yeah, I don’t smell it, but maybe it’s because you’re an Alpha.” Robin replied to you, trying to sound confident about it, but you could only shake your head, a sigh escaping your lips.

“I have to be condemned or something. I never once liked a scent before in my life, and the first one I find delightful is from a goddamn cocky Beta that hates my scent.”

And you remembered how your heart had stopped when he first approached you, his sweet scent filling your nostrils in a way that you couldn’t help but take a deep breath in of it. You were ecstatic, shaking with excitement, needing to know about him… Only for his nose to scrunch up and tell you that your scent was disgusting to him.

“Hey, I mean, maybe you can get him back by taking your patch off? Like, fuck him for saying that to you, it’s your store and he will have to deal with it.” You didn’t want to make him feel disgusted by you, because the first time was already hurtful to you, and you didn’t need to see it again.

But maybe Robin was right. You needed to do something in order for him to stop coming to the store so you wouldn’t have to see him anymore. So you wouldn’t be able to smell him anymore.

So the next week, you decided to discard the scent patch on your gland. You have been doing trial and error for the first three days, seeing how the customers would react, only for them to not say anything at all. Even an Alpha complimented you for the strong wooden smell you emanated and even Robin wanted to take a whiff out of your neck but held back.

And the last test was already coming closer to the glass doors, his grin spread on his lips, and when he opened the door his smile faded completely. You squinted at him as you defied his entrance, almost baring your fangs at him, letting him know you didn’t want to be messed with any longer.

But you saw how his eyes teared up, his eyebrows folding in the center of his forehead, and you swore you saw him shake slightly, all over, and you could see how he took a step backwards from you, making your intense stare turn into a worried one. You suddenly felt a whiff of not only a sweet scent but also– something flowery?

Before you could pinpoint what it was, the smell was gone in a flash. You saw how Eddie rushed out of the store, desperately, almost falling over as he did so. Worry hit your chest and mind as you saw the action, catching other customers' attention. Robin looked at you worriedly and you couldn’t help but feel guilty.

What did you do to him? Was your scent so repulsing he had to leave?

You felt rejected by a person who has been making your life a little harder every day, yet you never really hated. You always glanced at him whenever he laughed with Robin, wholeheartedly, and he was the most beautiful Beta you’ve ever seen.

But it would never happen because you were disgusting to him

“Robs?”

“Yeah?”

“I might have to leave Hawkins.”

The decision was not easy, but your Alpha couldn’t handle the rejection any longer. It’s been a week and there was no sign of Eddie at all. You had put on the scent patch on your gland to cover it up again, in hopes that he gets the news from Robin or someone that you already put it on again.

But there was still no sign of your lovely Beta. Of that Beta that made you scent drunk for the very first time, and that made you feel that electricity you have been taught about, just a wave of shocks going all over your body.

You would be leaving in two weeks, leaving the store to Robin to take care of while you tried to open a franchise somewhere else. Robin complained, of course, telling you that you should pay no mind to Eddie suddenly vanishing, that you two never liked each other even.

But it didn’t hurt less.

You punched in the last few numbers in the register, looking up towards the clock on the wall. There were no more customers because you were about to close the shop, already 8 PM.

You heard the glass doors open, a strong sweet scent filling the entire room. The strongest scent you’ve ever smelled in your entire life. Stronger than the Beta that always invaded the store. You turned your head and on the other side of the counter was a panting, flushed, Eddie Munson with sweat all over his forehead.

You felt as if you were suddenly punched in the face, in the gut, just everywhere by how intense his scent was, how you could see how his mating gland was bright red, pulsing and a shockwave ran all over your body, and– Shit, you could smell slick.

The sweet smell was slick.

“What– What the fuck did Robin mean when she said you were leaving!?”

A whine. There was a whine in the back of his throat and you found yourself in a situation you never experienced in your life. You felt your tip already leaking, wanting to come out from your cavity so it could spring up, and also the need to console him, seeing the tears that wanted to simply slip out of his waterline.

You were in front of a distressed Omega.

You rounded the corner as he looked at you, panting, whines coming out of his throat and chest and you swore you never heard a more delightful yet painful sound in your life. You needed to take care of him. You needed your Omega to be happy.

“Shh, shh… you’re okay Omega… You’re okay…” You slowly spoke in a low tone, and Eddie immediately calmed down, his breathing slowly becoming regular once more. He took a step towards you, desperation all over his face.

“You’re not leaving, are you? Please tell me you’re not… I won’t– I don’t–” He was mumbling but even in your bliss you needed answers. You needed them before you touched him for the first time.

“You’re… Why are you an Omega? You– You were a Beta–” And he shook his head really quickly, making his sweaty curls move from side to side. You could still smell the slick in between his legs. Fuck, your mind was hazing all over. Shit.

“I presented… Your– Your scent triggered my presentation.”

Your jaw dropped. You triggered it? He wasn’t a Beta? You assumed he was because of the small sweet scent he had because even Betas have a faint scent to them. But– how could you have triggered it?

“What? How? You said– You said you hated my scent!” A whine was heard from his chest and you felt your knees weaken at the sound of distress as he shook his head again, his eyes burning from how hard he was trying to hold back his tears.

“No! No! I– I never hated it! I– It was too strong and it immediately made me feel drunk when I first met you, and I got scared of how intense your smell was and how good it was making me feel–” He was rambling, the smell getting thicker and thicker and your nostrils started flaring up at each intake of it you took.

“Wait– So–” You were trying to make sense of the situation despite how feral you were starting to feel. You are no knothead, you really aren’t… But fuck if you didn’t want to knot this beautiful Omega right in front of you. You never felt this need before, never in your life, but you felt like jumping on him, taking what you need.

Take. Take. Take.

Mate.

“Please, don’t leave– Please, your scent drives me insane…” His eyes landed on your scent gland that was covered in the scent blocker and he whined in distress and you couldn’t deny him. You couldn’t bear to see him shake for you like this.

You ripped the patch off, and as soon as you did it, his eyes lit up in joy and he dove in. His nose hit your neck as his arms wrapped tightly around you, pulling you closer than ever and your heart started beating in a loud and deep pace. The blood flow was in your ears, and your mind was filled with his smell, with that sweet enchanting smell that emanated from him.

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as your nose went deep into his scent gland, your eyes widened when your pants started straining you, and your cock needed to be free so it could get out of your cavity for relief. You winced in pain when he rubbed his hips against yours, but you weren’t going to break the moment. Not now.

You were becoming primal. His nose rubbed all over the skin of your neck, his lips kissing over your mating gland, making an electric shock run all the way down from the top of your head to your toes.

And that’s when you remembered a particular health class.

You needed to be the rational one here. You needed the Omega in your arms to listen to you so he would be conscious of what was happening. Despite your growl of not wanting to pull away, you held onto his shoulders in order to pull him off you. He whined, trying to dive in again, but you stopped him with a stern look on your face, at least, the best one you could wear right now.

“Listen to me, Eddie.” You saw him take a deep breath in and nod at you, but you knew he was holding himself back by the shaking of his arms underneath your hands. You wanted to comfort him, but you were afraid that he was talking due to his presentation, from the last remnant of his heat.

“Wha–”

“I think we are Scent mates.”

And his eyes locked with yours and everything made sense. You were fated mates. This was the reason you couldn’t stand the smell of other people, not even Omegas. Eddie had the same experience, but he believed that it was because he might be a Beta.

And then you happened. The first time he came into the music store he was almost knocked down on his ass from the intense wooden, yet most delightful thing he ever smelled. He scanned the room with widened eyes and they finally landed on you as you chatted happily with Robin Buckley, an old friend from school.

Of course, you were an Alpha. He wouldn’t have a fucking chance, but at least he needed you to cover up the scent a little bit. You were going to live in Hawkins more likely, and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle it.

So he said what he said when it was the complete opposite.

But even when his goal was to see you as little as possible, his feet always went back into the store, and he realized the smell was way less intense thanks to your scent blockers, making him yearn for it again. He had to be careful, afraid of getting attached to an Alpha that wouldn’t be able to hold onto his Beta self if you ever met a more appealing Omega.

And now, the words coming out of your mouth made sense. He was always meant to be an Omega, but it seemed like his body was waiting to get triggered. It waited and waited, and last week you decided to take the patch off, and he knew something shifted inside of him the moment he crossed those doors.

The pain of his insides rearranging was the most excruciating feeling in the world, the lack of pleasure from touching himself in his new slit, not doing anything for him. The only thing he needed and wanted was you. You and your pleasure. You and your knot. Shit, he needed your knot because if he didn’t, he felt like he was going to die.

“Fated…” It was the only thing he managed to get out with a smile on his lips, and your own matched his, and you did what you have been wanting to do ever since you saw him since you smelled him. You held onto his face with both of your hands, and the fire was too intense, you could feel it all over your body.

So this is what fated mates looked like, felt like.

And you were exhilarated that it happened to you since it was not known for it to be something that happened in everyday life. It is said that there is only a 5% chance per year of fated mates. Scent mates. The idea of it felt like a fantasy, but you would be with that person who would understand you the best for the rest of your life.

And now, you have that person. You pulled his face towards yours, the sweetness invading all your veins while the burnt wood filled Eddie’s. Your lips grazed his, softly, a soft moan escaping your lips as a whimper came out of his, and before you knew it your lips were devouring his in such a need that neither of you had felt before.

You treated him coldly since you met him, yes, but it was because of the rejection you felt in your body. It was so bad that you even decided to leave Hawkins before you went into rejection ruts which, from what you’ve heard, were the most painful ruts to ever go through, and sometimes, the pain of rejection never stopped.

He was moaning into your mouth as his hands pressed all over your back while your arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling you closer to him, desperation and hunger coming off from the both of you. Your hands gripped onto his scalp tightly, heavy breaths escaping your nose as your belly started twisting and you knew your insides were screaming for release.

You felt his tongue lick onto your bottom lip and you groaned at the gesture, and you wanted to comply to your Omega, give him what he needed. You opened your mouth to invite him in and you could hear a happy chirp coming from his chest and you swore you’d never heard a more beautiful sound in your life.

He appreciated the access and both of your tongues were fighting in between lips, inside mouths, and his taste was so delectable, like ambrosia, like a life source. You felt his hips rubbing against yours, a low purring coming from deep within his chest and the smell of his slick became more potent and your self-control was failing.

You had to get your head together, you needed to take him to a safe place, you two can’t mate here, it’s not safe for him. Someone could smell him and come in, try to snatch him away. You can’t let that happen.

Protect. Protect. Protect.

You pulled away from him and he tried to follow your lips again, but you pulled on his scalp as a growl vibrated in your throat, making him whimper in your hold.

“We need to go to a safe place baby, do you have a nest?” And he was teary-eyed, shaking his head.

“Not enough. You’re not there. No clothes. No scent. Not enough.” He was losing his ability to speak properly, his mind clouding in need of you, his slick making his inner thighs feel itchy and he knew his sweatpants needed to be burnt after this. Your eyes softened and you gave him a soft nod.

“You want to go to my home? Want to make a nest there?” He instantly nodded, desperately, clinging to you like a koala, his face flushed as his nose dipped into the crook of your neck.

“Thank you! Thank you, Alpha! Thank you!” You shivered at the word. At how he just called you. It was the first time he called you Alpha, and he was even thanking you for taking care of him. You felt happiness like you’ve never felt before, and you were going to make it last.

“Okay baby, let’s go to the car, and then we’ll go to my house. You can make a nest there and be safe.” You softly replied to him in order to try to calm him down and he only nodded against you, needing your scent to keep his head in a sort of conscious state.

You closed the store as quickly as you could, and you let Eddie hold your hand, wrist to his nose as you took him to your car. He whined when you made him get into the passenger’s seat. You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead and then you rubbed your scent gland against his as you leaned down and another purr came out from him in appreciation.

You rushed to the driver's seat and it was the most tortuous drive ever. He had your wrist in his mouth and he kept licking on it, making you extra sensitive. The pain in between your legs was unbearable, your cock already out and constricted inside the fabric. You needed to get home quickly. Quick. Quick.

You for sure went by many red lights, but you couldn’t care less about that. You arrived at your lovely little one-story home in a wide suburban area where an old trailer park was years ago. It looked like a small cabin, and it was so cozy, perfect for your Omega. Yours. Yours.

You parked as quickly as you could, reaching for Eddie over the console to devour his lips once more, your tongue going into his mouth for your saliva to coat him all over and he was so grateful for it. He was being doted on by you, and he wanted more. He was greedy, he knew that, but he was going to fall apart if he didn’t get your knot right this second.

You walked out of the car and rushed over to the passenger’s seat so that you could help Eddie out. He immediately clung to you from behind, his nose deep into your neck, your shoulder, everywhere he could take a deep inhale in. You walked like that towards your door, and you felt a sharp pain in between your legs and in your belly. You were going into a small rut. You needed to be inside him right this second, or at least let your cock free from your pants.

You opened the door and Eddie pulled away with widened eyes as he inhaled the smell from your home and it was you. Everywhere was you. You. He felt so safe like he just found a forever home, like a stray kitten that had just been picked up. You quickly grabbed his hand and rushed towards your room where your bed remained undone since this morning, your laundry had piled up, and some clothes were scattered on the floor.

And that was perfect for Eddie.

He immediately rushed into action and you felt yourself trembling as you saw him start to gather your laundry of dirty clothes and then dump them on your bed. You took this time to rush to the kitchen so that you could prepare some water bottles and some snacks. You didn’t know for how long Eddie had been going without eating something. Shit, fuck, your dick was hurting you, but you needed to be patient for your Omega.

Your belly turned in pain, the testicles inside of you complaining about how much you were holding yourself back. You held onto the counter as you took sharp breaths in. Growls started rumbling in your throat as the heat and lust became greater and worse with each second that passed.

You heard a whine coming from the room and that was enough to make you snap out and not care about your pain any longer. You grabbed the bottles and snacks as quickly as you could and rushed back, worry filling your body only to see Eddie already naked in the middle of your bed, sweat all over his body and… fuck you almost dropped everything on the floor.

His slick was already coating your sheets as he sat kneeled with his legs open so it would drip down.

He had made a quick nest with your clothes and his, all around him, fabric tucked underneath another, your boxers and panties all over and you knew he was waiting for you. You dropped everything all over your vanity and you knew he wanted something else from you. You took your shirt off, handing it over to him and he tucked it away on the side. While he did that, you took your bra off as well and finally, finally, you felt relief when you pulled your pants down, followed by your large panties.

You weren’t always wearing boxers because what are the chances you would get a hard-on in the middle of work?

His eyes widened when he turned to finally see your cock, red tip, precum already leaking from it, and Eddie’s eyes sparkled with need. His mouth salivated and more slick fell from his legs and onto the mattress and you handed him your dirty pants and panties. He quickly put your underwear at the very top, where his head would be, and then tucked your pants underneath some shirts of yours.

He looked at you expectantly, a needy frown on his eyebrows as his eyes teared up with lust. You were so beautiful, and he needed to have you, to taste you, to have you inside of him. He whined when you weren’t getting into his nest, was it not to your taste? Did he do a bad job with it? Was it messy?

“No Omega, nothing like that.” He realized he talked out loud without him being conscious of it. “You need to invite me in…”

“Yes, yes, you can come in, please!” He whined and his hands were reaching out for you desperately and that was all that was left to do. You crawled over the nest in order to not mess anything up with the marvelous job he did with it. It smelled of you and him combined and it was the most wonderful mix you could ever feel.

His arms wrapped around you and he moaned when you pressed your body against his belly, your cock in between the two of you. Your arms were wrapped around his waist as your nails scratched his back, digging into the skin. His mouth found yours desperately as his cocklette rubbed against you, making a blissful friction, just the right amount but not enough.

You moved your hips in a small rutting motion and a moan of his escaped into your lips. Eddie was intoxicated, and all he wanted was more. He purred as your tongue entered his mouth, tasting him once more and he shivered at the strong taste of sandalwood. You were delicious, so fucking delicious.

And he wondered–

He pulled away from the kiss, panting heavily, and you immediately dove to kiss his jaw, moving down towards his neck, gently nipping at the skin, causing him to whimper as he held onto you. You were licking against his scent gland, making his body almost climax because of how good it felt. His words were getting stuck in his throat as you kept kissing all over his skin.

“I– I want to taste you, Alpha– Please, I need to know how you taste.” And you felt your body burn, instantly, at those words. You will let him taste you, of course, how can you deny him, but–

“I will let you Omega, only if you let me taste you as well. If you smell like that, I can’t even begin to imagine how good you taste down there.” Your words were slurred, almost as if drunk, and maybe you were. You were drunk, completely, but off him. Eddie’s eyes clouded with lust at your proposal, his face flushed with lust and redness, lips plump from all the kissing and his scent gland was a scarlet red and pulsing.

“Yes- Yes!” He nodded and you smirked, giving him a soft peck on the lips, and you shifted you both so you could lay down on the bed, his eyes scanning your position, but his eyes focused on the standing erection that was in front of him, slick falling onto the mattress and you growled at him.

“Don’t waste that. Give me your pretty pussy over here Eddie.” You patted your chest, ordering him to move on top of you. You couldn’t go on top because if you did and he sucked your dick from below, you would start thrusting due to your semi-rut and you don’t want to hurt your lovely Omega.

“Y– You sure?” You smiled reassuringly at him and that was enough for Eddie to sprint into action, throwing one leg to your side, both knees pressing on your waist and your eyes widened as you inhaled deeply.

There was something definitely more delicious than the scent from his gland.

Oh, the smell of his slick. You can’t even begin to describe it. Nothing compares to it, nothing at all. You felt high as if you had inhaled three consecutive bongs, so high that you felt like passing out. But you were brought out of your trance when a drop of his slick fell onto your lip. You licked it, and– you became feral.

Your hands immediately grabbed onto the sides of his hips in order to pull him down, bending towards you so you two would be leveled appropriately in front of each other’s sexes. His inner thighs were soaked, probably getting onto your hair and face, but the more of him that sticks to you the better.

Eddie let out a surprised gasp as he came close to the tip of your dick. He inspected it as his mouth salivated, tongue almost dropping out as if he were panting. He leaned down so he could finally take his tongue out, and give the tip a kitten lick, taking a bead of your precum into his mouth, and he trembled at the taste.

And he went in.

He couldn’t wait, needing to taste you more, so he licked a long stripe from the base to the tip and you groaned, throwing your head back in pleasure as you felt him moaning against your cock. Your insides screamed for more, and you could already feel the fire building at the base of your dick, letting you know that you were ready to knot him.

But you cannot hurt him, and this cavity was new to him. So as he opened his mouth to take the tip into his mouth, purring against it, making you growl in appreciation and pleasure thanks to the vibrations he was sending to you. You focused on the slit above you where his balls were a week ago. You leaned up slightly so you could reach him and you took your tongue out and finally, to Eddie’s relief, you licked a long stripe, from his cocklette, and through his folds.

He squirmed on top of you, moaning against your cock at the new sensation. He felt himself light on fire by your tongue. He needed to focus on giving you pleasure as well since you tasted so good, but you were making him lose his mind already as you kept licking him, savoring him, and cleaning his slick away only for more to gush out of him after two seconds.

“Fuck, you taste so good.” You cannot help but mention it to him, not only for pleasure but because he needs to know just how beautiful he is. How delectable he is to you. He needs to know how he is ruining you.

He hummed in approval, as his head bobs up and down on your cock, your precum still oozing out from the tip, and he swallowed greedily, needing more. His hips started moving against your tongue, wanting a little bit more friction of some sort.

Your tongue wanted more of his nectar, so you pressed your lips against him, tongue entering him and he had to pull away from your cock in order to moan out loud, feeling his belly turn and burn up. He was already getting close to the edge, but he knew he would fall off from it many times tonight.

He whimpered against your greedy tongue as his hand started jerking you off, going up and down with a mix of your precum and his saliva. You growled in pleasure making him shiver and smile excitedly, knowing he was pleasuring you accordingly as well.

One of your hands left his hip and you pulled away from his cunt, earning a whine from him, his hips moving on top of you so you would get your tongue on him again. You chuckled at the eagerness and then you ran your fingers against his folds, gathering slick on them so you could prepare them to finally enter him so you could stretch him out.

He tried giving your cock some attention, but you didn’t care about your pleasure anymore. You wanted him to fall apart on top of you. You slowly entered your middle finger, and Eddie stilled, pulling away from your cock with a ‘pop’, his mouth in the shape of an ‘O’ as his throat was left with no sound. Silent moans were the only thing he could manage and it was just one pump. Just one.

And his belly tensed up, his legs started shaking and a tear fell from his right eye as the first climax hit him, out of nowhere. Your eyes widened and you raised your head desperately, giving him even more pleasure as your tongue now joined your finger.

“Yes! A-A–” He wanted to call out to you as he shivered on top of you and your chest rumbled with ecstasy as his slick filled your mouth, sweeter than before even. His walls were clenching tightly against your finger and tongue, and once you felt him stop shaking you pulled your mouth away from him, slurping onto your lips, gulping it all down.

You didn’t let him relax, and you entered the second finger in, and he trembled as he tried moving away from you, but you held him in place with your other hand, growling at him. He moaned at the dominance, loving it more than anything even if he were still trying to come down from his high.

“So good for me Eddie, you can give me one more, right?” And he whined at that, knowing he could definitely give you one more and his eyes widened, his upper body falling on top of your legs as his moans were louder than ever. You had curled your fingers downwards so you could rub onto his new G-Spot. You smirked when his hips started moving against your fingers. Your Omega was very compliant. “Take what you need baby.”

“Fuck!” He cried out as the pleasure became overwhelming, not being able to give you more pleasure with his mouth. He couldn’t even formulate coherent words. This was a pleasure he never thought was possible, and now he was sure he wouldn’t be able to live without it. Without you.

You felt him clenching again, and you nodded wildly, wanting to taste his climax again. You licked your lips in anticipation as you started gaining momentum and you started scissoring your fingers inside of him. He was a babbling mess and you could only guess his eyes were rolling to the back of his head, and you decided to prep him a little more.

You entered another finger inside of him, and Eddie screamed at the stretch, a little painful, but it was so delicious. His whole body was flushed, and the tattoos on his body looked more beautiful than ever.

“C’mon Omega, give me another, and then I will give you what you need. Your Alpha will give you what you need.” And your words, calling yourself his Alpha was enough for him to clench down tightly against your fingers, his nails digging into your legs as he trembled all over, his climax washing all over him.

His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he clenched his eyelids, his belly feeling too tight and you kept pumping your fingers in and out of him, the squelching being so obscene yet so great.

You slowed your pace so he could relax again, and take a breather, and you were breathing heavily as you took your fingers out of him. He whimpered at the feeling of emptiness, and you raised your head to lap at all the slick he just gushed out, sucking onto his cocklette to also taste the small squirts of slick that also came out of there.

He felt his eyes burn with tears that were created due to extreme pleasure, but he needed more. He won’t be satisfied until he finally has what he has been yearning for since he presented a week ago. You were still licking him up and he finally lifted himself back up, his arms shaking as his hands pressed onto the mattress for support.

You growled when he pulled himself off you. You weren’t done tasting him, and he moved away from you, but the sight that followed after was enough for that small anger to go away. He positioned himself right next to you, his ass up while he slid his upper body back down, pressing it against the mattress. He turned his face so he could look at you as you sat up to take him in.

He was presenting himself to you.

“Please– I need your knot Alpha. Waited so long–” He was crying almost, and you licked your lips, his taste still lingering and his slick was all over your face. You kneeled on the bed and scooted to position yourself behind him. You made him spread his legs even more so his bottom would lower a little bit more.

You were finally going to connect with an Omega. With your Omega. With your fated Omega. What will you feel once you go inside of him? What will happen to the two of you? You didn’t want to hurt him, what if you went feral? Primal? You were already in a semi-rut, triggered by the last stage of his heat.

He moved his hips towards you, enticing you to take him and your hand shot up to grab a handful of one of his ass cheeks, squeezing tightly to then spank it. He moaned against the mattress, loving the pain of it. You took a deep breath in as you got hold of your aching cock and gave it a few strokes, feeling extremely sensitive, like never before.

You rubbed the tip all over his folds, rubbing his slick on it, and whenever the tip touched his cocklette, a soft moan escaped him. You were trembling, trying to keep a rational head, trying not to let the lust take over you completely. This was Eddie’s first time as an Omega, so you had to be careful with him.

You have to take care of your Omega, make him feel safe and trust you.

��I need you to relax for me baby, and you have to tell me if it hurts, okay?” You only heard a whimper against the mattress and you squeezed his ass again as you groaned at him in warning. “I need you to say you will tell me if it hurts Omega.”

“Okay! Okay! I will tell you, please– Just please sweetheart, do something–” And his eyes widened as his mouth fell into a wide ‘O’.

Your tip slowly went in, his folds engulfing you in an intense heat, in something so warm and it was only the tip. It was only the beginning of it all, and you were already feeling like you were going to pop a knot.

You pushed in slowly, your hand reaching below him so you could rub onto his cocklette to give him more stimulation, and he was still trying to wrap his head around how good it felt. He was gone, already cockdrunk as he tried moving his hips towards you for more. You held him in place as you groaned in pleasure, not wanting him to hurt himself.

“Stay still Eddie–” You were almost choking on your words as you kept pushing yourself into him, more and more, feeling his tight pussy all around you, and fuck was he perfect. This was the most perfect moment in your life and you can’t wait to have many more like this one. You can’t wait.

“More… More…” He was sputtering those words as his drool fell on the mattress and his slick gushed and gushed, falling all over his legs, dripping down into the sheets. You groaned as you looked at the mating gland, a bright red, trying to entice you in. You shut your eyes tightly, and you couldn’t hold yourself any longer. You prepped him well.

And so you thrust in, bottoming out in one pump.

He cried in pleasure, a slight burning happening as he tried to adjust to the new feeling, to the new stretch inside of him. He already felt the pain in his belly start to calm down, but it was still there, lingering. He was already trembling underneath you and you were breathing heavily as you put both your hands on his hips again, and one of them gave his lower back soft circles, caressing him.

“You alright Eddie? Are you okay? Does it hurt?” You asked, your Omega’s comfort first and foremost than your pleasure. You saw him nod against the mattress, and his hips moved just one inch, making you groan. He was so warm inside, he felt so good.

“Yes– Please move, I’m fine, just go slow first Alpha…” And your Omega was so good, voicing out what he needed instead of telling you things that might hurt him in the end. You pulled your hips back, slowly, and he winced just barely as you let out a sigh of relief, pushing back in.

You were fighting with so many deities right now, trying to hold back, trying to not let your Alpha take control all over your body and mind. It wanted to go deep, ruin the man below you, the Omega that you wanted to spend your entire life with, and you weren’t going to let it. Not now. You needed Eddie to adjust around your cock before you did any of that.

And then it happened, his moans suddenly appeared, turning louder as you thrusted in and out, and you knew he was feeling the pleasure, this time entirely. You took a deep breath in, your whole body sweating and you braced yourself as you started moving quicker, harder.

And then, it was a blur. Suddenly you were going slow, neutral, and the next thing you know, your hips were slapping against his ass as you buried yourself inside of him, taking him, destroying him for everyone else, marking him in a way that no one else did before and no one else would be able to.

You were going to make sure of that.

You were growling, the rumbles of pleasure vibrating inside your chest, as you moved in and out of him. He was whimpering, tears rolling down his face, his hands digging into the sheets. He didn’t know what he would feel from this, but it was never this. He knew it would feel good, most likely, but never this excellent, this perfect.

He looked so beautiful as the squelching of his slick bounced all over your bedroom’s walls. You felt your fangs wanting to come out as your eyes gazed over the mating gland once more. You growled again, reaching around him once again to rub onto his cocklette, sending him in a spur of blabbering, of praising, of begging.

“So good Alpha-! Making me feel so good–!” He didn’t even know what he was saying, and he was probably, most likely, going to be embarrassed about it later on. Right now? He couldn’t care less. You weren’t going to remind him what he said either. You don’t want to fluster your Omega, not in a way that would make him feel bad.

You felt his walls clenching around you, making you start to breathe heavily, feeling your insides turn in need. The base of your cock was burning, and you knew your knot wouldn’t take long to start swelling, but you had to keep going, stretch him even more, and gladly he was going to cum again.

“You can do it Omega, cum on your Alpha’s cock.”

And Eddie cursed loudly as he cried out your name, his walls clenching all around you, making a strangled moan get caught in your mouth at the overwhelming sensation. You kept your pace as he trembled with his climax, moaning with tears springing out of his eyes. He was gushing out, spraying you with his juices all over your pelvis and legs, his cocklette had covered your hand with its squirts, and you felt your belly start to scream out in pain.

You started to slow down your pace when you felt him relax again, and he was breathing heavily against the mattress as he rode out the last remnants of his orgasm. You groaned as he gave you one final clench and it gave you the strength to pull out and grab onto his ass to turn him over with such force you never thought was possible for you.

He was surprised at the new position, his legs opened wide for you to slot in just perfectly, his eyes widening when he looked at your naked body, your breasts moving up and down and your eyes… your pupils were completely dilated and he could see your fangs beginning to bare, and he smiled with happiness at it.

“Mate me… Mate me, sweetheart… Knot me.” And you trembled and almost whimpered at his request. You grabbed onto the back of his knees, spreading his legs apart and for you to have leverage as you seethed yourself back in with one deep thrust. Eddie threw his head back as a surprised moan escaped him. He was sensitive, so overstimulated but there was one last thing his body craved for. That one thing he desired more than anything in the world.

“I’m going to knot you Eddie, you’re going to take my knot, aren’t you? My sweet Omega… Mine.”

That last word came out with the most possessive growl you ever did in your life. Maybe the first ever. A chirp mixed with a whimper was heard inside Eddie’s throat and chest. A delectable sound for your ears as you continued to rail him, angling your cock so you could hit that spongy part of his repeatedly.

Eddie couldn’t even process any words right now. He just kept nodding at everything you said, and your eyes were fixated on the mating gland, the Alpha inside of you telling you to bite him. To lock him in. To make him yours forever.

And Eddie’s rationality came back for a second when a new pain started happening below. He felt a new stretch, a wider one, popping in and out. Your knot was starting to swell and you heard him whine in pain and you almost stopped but it was just a bit more.

“A-Alpha–” He called out to you, his arms stretched out to try to hold you. You immediately dropped his legs as you bent forward, his arms wrapping around you and you were holding yourself up on your hands as you continued to thrust into him and you saw how his face contorted in pain and pleasure mixed together.

“A bit more. A bit more baby–” You were breathless, your mind turning into mush as the possessiveness was taking over your body. Eddie was looking up at you, a small smile on his lips as his walls started clenching again.

“Bite me… Make me yours– Please, mate me.”

Your eyes widened at that. He wanted to be yours completely. Of course he would, you two are scent mates, fated to be together. He wants it, he is begging for it… So why not? Why not? Why the fuck not?

And in one thrust you sat inside of him, deep, and your knot completely swelled up in its full size, locking yourself into him. You came inside of him in thick white ropes, and you growled loudly when he also came around you, milking your knot dry as he cried out in pleasure and you looked down at his gland.

Why the fuck not?

And you bit down, making Eddie yell in pleasure and pain, knowing your teeth had pierced his skin and he felt you cumming again inside of him and finally, finally, his belly stopped hurting. His belly was thankful, filled with his Alpha’s cum.

You two were breathing heavily, you were still on top of him, mouth still wrapped around his skin, sweaty bodies clinging together, and the smell of both your scents filled the air. It felt like home, warm, and cozy, even with all the mess that was underneath the two of you.

Only when Eddie’s head became conscious again, he realized that you bit his shoulder… not his mating gland. You didn’t mate him. He became self-conscious about it, instantly, the distressed Omega in him becoming erratic and you could feel it, pulling yourself up to look at him.

“Was it not good? Why didn’t you mate me, sweetheart?” He was almost whining, wanting answers and you shook your head at him with a small smile on your face, leaning towards his face so you could kiss him on the cheek.

“It was perfect Eddie… I just didn’t want to mate you because we had to…” You explained to him and he was confused at that, raising an eyebrow up in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“I want to court you Eds.” And he felt his heart flutter at your words. You cared about him, not caring about the fate aspect of it all. You wanted to be with him by your own accord, getting to know him, and for the both of you to learn to love one another. He smiled at you, holding you even closer.

And his eyes filled with tears at your gesture. You wanted to do the whole courting ritual, something that was not needed nowadays or it wasn’t something people used to do anymore, and he assumed that if you were fated mates, so… what is the reason for it?

“Wait… so– Does this mean you won’t leave then?” You heard the small whimper behind his voice, the need for you to confirm that fact or not, hoping that it was a negative answer.

“I was only planning to leave because I felt rejected by you. Don’t worry my Omega, I am not going anywhere…” You smiled down at him and he returned it with a bright one, leaning up to give you a small peck on the lips, and then pulling away with a teasing grin on his lips.

“You really do care about me in the end, huh?” He chuckled and you growled slightly at that, giving him a soft kiss on the lips which he hummed with contentment. He wanted to mess with you a little more, a smirk appearing on his lips. “I mean, we both know how it’s going to end, might as well just bite me and get it over with, right?”

Your eye twitched, your heart becoming ablaze again as you once more raised yourself up with both your hands and you pressed your hips against him again, your knot still firmly wrapped inside of him, making him whimper slightly.

“You know what I feel like doing Eds?” He could sense the threat in your voice, but he was excited for it, because he finally had you, and whatever you give him he is going to take.

“What is that Princess?” He said the nickname he often used to make you mad at work whenever he came to visit, but instead of a frown, he gulped when you only smirked at him.

“I feel like getting you back for all the times you were a cocky little brat in my shop.”

And Eddie was scared of that but chirped with excitement either way.

Yes, you were fated alright.

End.

a/n: if you reached all the way here, remember to reblog your artists. It helps with engagement with their work.

Taglist: @the-unforgivenn @munson-blurbs @nailbatanddungeon @xxhellfirebunnyxx @littlesubbyflower

591 notes · View notes

malum-forev · 11 months

Note

Hi, for the bingo thingy, can you use “Can you stay?” for a chapter 3 of the Co-parenting ex husband Bucky fic? 😜🙈 (if you turn that into a sad ending again, I’ll ugly cry. 😅😘)

the wait is finally oveeerrr. I didn't expect to write this but it quickly turned into my favorite piece! Thank you for the love (especially after I wrote two sad parts loooolll)

Here it is! and you can find Pt 1 Here and Pt 2 here!

*Gif by @rainbowkisses31

(Y/n) crossed her arms and leaned her head back on the wall, waiting for the principal’s door to open. She couldn’t believe this, Peanut was in kindergarten for fucks sake! How was the principal already calling her in. A couple of teachers had given (Y/n) a heads up, to control the situation before it exploded.

So, a week ago (Y/n) and Bucky had to have the talk with their five-year-old daughter. Not the birds and the bees, the whole: Your dad is an ex-assassin called the Winter Soldier, he was actually born in 1917 and the whole vibranium arm thing.

Bucky sat Peanut in front of them. “P, I’m going to tell you something but you have to pay attention okay?”

Her big blue eyes turned into marbles and she nodded her head.

“You didn’t do anything wrong baby,” (Y/n) assured. “We just need to talk about something that happened to Daddy because we want you to know it from us okay?”

“Where do I begin?” Bucky sighed, he never thought the most difficult person to explain this to would be a child. His child. Bucky never thought he would be able to have a child in the first place. He felt (Y/n)’s hand rub circles on his back and he relaxed into her touch.

Bucky had warned her about this, how the Winter Soldier would always shadow him. Looming in the darkness. But (Y/n) had said she didn’t care, that their children together would understand what happened and the rest of the world can process it however they wanted to. And here she was, carrying out her end of the deal.

“I was born a long time ago Peanut.” Bucky started.

P bursted into laughter. “I know that, silly goose. You have white hair! Like the pictures you show me of Uncle Stevie!”

(Y/n) bit the inside of her cheek to hide her laugh but she ended up having to hide behind Bucky as to not incite their daughter’s roasts.

“This is going well.” Bucky muttered.

“You don’t look like Steve, I promise.” She assured, running her fingers through the short hair on the back of his head. “Plus, I like your hair like this. Salt and pepper suits you.”

But now, a week later, the two of them were called into the principal’s office. The glass door opened.

“Good morning, thank you for coming.” He told (Y/n). “Should we wait for Mr. Barnes?”

“He won’t be joining us today.” She said in automatic but as she was walking into the principal’s office, a huffing Bucky came into view.

“Sorry I’m late.” Bucky took a deep breath, taking off his leather jacket and placing it behind one of the two chairs in front of the principal’s desk. He took the chair next to him out for (Y/n) to sit in before sitting down himself.

“I know the two of you are very busy but this issue with your daughter needs to be fixed.” The principal started. “As you know, we are a very private school and we can assure you we’re talking to Billy’s parents as well.”

“Yesterday, Billy told your daughter that he knew who her father was.” The principal continued, making Bucky look down at the floor. “Billy’s older brother told him and showed him some videos on the internet.”

(Y/n) grew angry. “If this is Billy’s fault, then why are we here. James and I talked to you before P came to this school and you assured us it wouldn’t be a problem. We spend a lot of money on this school for this to suddenly become a problem.”

“The problem is that after this, your daughter threatened Billy. She said,” The principal took a look at the paper in front of him, a teacher’s report. “If you know who my dad is then you know you shouldn’t talk to me like that. When I tell him about you, he will squish you with his metal arm.”

(Y/n) jaw dropped. Oh my god.

She turned around to look at Bucky but he didn’t have the reaction she wanted. He sat there with a smug smile on his face and his arms crossed.

“She’s defending herself.” Bucky shrugged and (Y/n) covered her face with her hands.

“You can’t just say that!” She laughed, they decided to get some coffee after the meeting with P’s principal.

“Why not?” Bucky smiled. “I’m not going to tell off P just because of that stupid kid Billy who by the way, I would squish with my arm.”

“Good to know you’d turn Winter Soldier at the blink of Peanut’s eyes.” She rolled her eyes.

“She’s my little girl! What else am I supposed to do?”

“Something along the lines of: Peanut you can’t threaten people.” (Y/n) said, she didn’t think she would have to be explaining why threatening people is wrong to a hundred-year-old man.

“I’m not going to tell her not to defend herself.” Bucky said. “She’s gutsy and headstrong, P takes after her mother.”

(Y/n) rolled her eyes. “I’m not headstrong.”

Bucky stopped in his tracks, taking (Y/n)’s shoulders in his hands and making her look at him. “I didn’t mean it like that, like it’s a bad thing- I love that about you. It was one of the things that drew me into you.”

A smile developed on (Y/n)’s lips. “Who knew P’s heroic stunt would turn into a compliment shower. Not that I’m complaining.”

Bucky sipped his coffee, tucking her body under his arm and bringing (Y/n) flush to his side. “You want more? Let’s see, you’re insanely witty, you have a beautifully complex mind, you’re extremely hot and you have a thing for older men- which I much appreciate.”

She laughed, burring her face in his chest. It felt so familiar, it felt like home.

It was two am when she heard the shriek. (Y/n) jumped out of bed and opened her bedroom door, trying to find Peanut. The moonlit stairs looked like a crime scene. Blood dripped from step to step all the way to the bottom, where Peanut lay screaming bloody murder.

She raced down the stairs and held her daughter in her arms.

“Mommy it hurts.” Peanut cried, bringing her hand up to a gash on her forehead.

“I know it hurts baby, I know.” Tears flooded (Y/n)’s eyes but she couldn’t break, not in front of her bleeding daughter. “It’s okay P, I’m going to take you to the hospital okay?”

(Y/n) grabbed the first coat she could find in the closet and the nearest pair of shoes, she rushed to strap P on her car seat and drove to the hospital.

Ring, ring.

“Please answer Bucky, please.” (Y/n) had called her ex-husband from the car.

“Hello?” Bucky’s raspy and sleep filled voice answered.

“Buck?” (Y/n)’s voice cracked, making Bucky sit up straight in bed in a second. “Something’s happened with Peanut, we’re on our way to the hospital.”

“I’ll be there in five.” Was all he said.

(Y/n) paced outside the room, she could see her daughter sleeping on the white hospital bed through the cracks in the curtains.

Two hands gripped her shoulders, one cold and one warm, making her eyes shoot up from the floor.

“What happened?” Bucky asked, peeking into the room.

“I don’t know what she was trying to do Buck- she got up in the middle of the night and somehow. I don’t know, she fell down the stairs and cut her forehead open.” (Y/n) spoke quickly, like if she processed the words she was speaking she would break. “She said something about wanting to sleep with the doll you brought from Wakanda- I don’t know.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Peanut is fine.” Bucky tried to soothe her.

(Y/n) clenched her fists at her side and bit her cheek. Anything to stop her from crying. “If I hadn’t forgotten the stupid doll-“

Bucky took her face in his hands. “This was an accident, it’s no one’s fault.”

(Y/n) slowly nodded, trying to blink away the tears.

Bucky’s eyes furrowed. “Doll, darling, look at me. I’m going to need you to say that. You know it was an accident right?”

“It was an accident.” She whispered, the pain becoming unbearable.

Bucky wrapped his arms around her, bringing her as close to him as possible. “You’re okay, everything’s going to be fine. I’m here, I’m here for you, for as long as you want me to be.”

That was it, what she needed to hear to break down. To be vulnerable. To know someone would be there to catch her if she fell.

(Y/n) sobbed into Bucky’s chest for what felt like hours. And he was there, rubbing her back soothingly and whispering kind words into her ear.

It was well into the evening the next day when Peanut was finally given the all clear from her doctors. Three stitches and an ankle sprain later, she was tucked into bed.

“I need you to promise me you will never ever do that again.” Bucky brought the comforter up as he tucked Peanut in.

“Promise daddy.” She smiled. “You wanna know something cool?”

“What’s that?” Bucky ran his finger against her cheek.

Peanut sat up and pulled Bucky’s cap sleeve up to his shoulder. “Daddy and P are gonna match.”

Bucky’s eyes swelled with tears as he saw his little girl’s tiny hand rub against the scarred skin on his left shoulder. It was like all the pain and suffering suddenly turned into something good. With six simple words, Peanut made everything worth it.

“We sure are.” Bucky lips turned upwards.

“She looks so peaceful, you wouldn’t imagine she’s a little tornado once those pretty eyes open.” Bucky chuckled lightly as he closed his daughter’s bedroom door.

“We’ve been amazing parents for the past 24 hours, could I interest you in a glass of cheap wine that will definitely give us a headache tomorrow?” (Y/n) smiled.

“You read my mind.” Bucky leaned his head back with closed eyes, he grabbed the baby monitor from the hallway credenza. “How about you go outside and I’ll bring everything out. You deserve a break.”

And what a break he gave (Y/n). Bucky just about held the glass of wine to her lips. He brought out the drinks, some snacks and started by bringing her legs closer to him. Massaging her tired calves.

“I still remember when we bought the house.” Bucky hummed. “And now it’s been what- six years?”

“Do you remember when we wanted to buy that new build? Everything was so white and sterile.” (Y/n) laughed. “But as soon as I found this house, I knew it was the one.”

“Excuse me?” Bucky laughed, eyebrows raised. “If I remember correctly, I was the one who found the house. You were sad thinking we hadn’t found a home, and I was the one who begged you to come and see it.”

(Y/n)’s happy smile dimmed. “We were so happy when we first moved in, what happened?”

“I took you for granted.” Bucky sighed. “That’s what happened.”

“After Steve left, I think I just stopped wanting anything. Work seemed boring, life at home was scary, taking care of P was terrifying for me. For years I thought I would be alone in this world and then suddenly, you came and gave me more love than I deserved. Gave me a beautiful daughter.” Bucky opened his heart. “And instead of working on myself I decided to just stop, stop trying. And it was selfish of me to think that you would just ride along with me even though I did everything to push you away. I never wanted you to think I didn’t love you, God do I love you. Sometimes I’m truly scared of what I feel because I love you so much it hurts. It pains me to have had you and lost you.”

Bucky tried to get out a strong voice but it cracked. “And I’ll live the rest of my life loving you and regretting having lost you. Sometimes, I think it’s a form of Karma. Like the gods above don’t know every wrong thing I did wasn’t me so now I have to live with this deep regret. The kind that settles into your bones.”

“Buck-“ (Y/n) tried to comfort him.

“No,” He shook his head. “you’re too sweet for your own good and you’ll try and tell me it’s not my fault. But it is. I’m not telling you this so you have pity on me, I just want you to know that I fucked up. You were perfect and amazing and I didn’t know what to do with something so delicate.”

“And I’m saying this just so you know that I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always love you.”

(Y/n) couldn’t take it anymore. She crashed her lips onto his. A kiss that would explain everything she felt. All the anger, all the sadness and especially all the love. A kiss that says: I love you too.

She rested her forehead against his, her breath shallow. “Can you stay?”

“Stay tonight?” He asked, his voice pained.

“Please stay forever.” She whispered.

Thank you thank you sooo much for the love! Hope you guys like it, if you do remember to like reblog and comment! I'll love you forever if you do <3

tagged: @kpopgirlbtssvt @shara-ne @namelesssaviour @aimeekatee @learisa @deadspeed @happinessinthebeing @multitargaryen @ajordan2020 @almosttoopizza @empollito @jbbarnesgirl. @uniquecroissant @mavrellover91 @angstysebfan @buckswhore-com @coffeebooksandfandom @azenpal @stanofmanythingslol @msknb-blog @intrepidacious @ladyloki3 @buck-fics @honeyglee @vileepponine @sebstanwhore @helium-queen @lokislady82 @crazygirlinthisworld @superforgottensoul @bibbidibobbidibucky @mdc-203081 @soobin-my-beloved @w1nter-wolf-barnes1 @jbbarnesgirl @redbloodedgurl

Hi hiiii This is part of my 1k Celebration, if you like this please be sure to look at the Bingo Card and ask for a prompt! Love y'all <33

And you can find the Bingo master list and what prompts are still available here!

536 notes · View notes

stele3 · 3 months

Text

I have deleted This Is How You Win the Time War. Sorry to everyone who enjoyed it, but the deluge of negative comments was not especially something I wanted to deal with.

To the people claiming that I was clearly writing incest when I had Jason and Dick mention a fairly innocent teenaged kiss that they shared years ago: I hadn't read any Batman comics before I wrote that story. I'd hardly read any Batman fanfiction, either, except for this amazing one which you should all read.

Over the course of writing that story, however, I did speed-read

Batman 402-416 and Batman annual #11

Batman: Under the Red Hood

Batman: Red Hood - The Lost Days

Batman: Urban Legends Issues 1-6

At no point in any of those did Jason and Dick refer to each other as brothers. At no point were they even particularly close.

Now, comics canon is vast and unknowable! Perhaps there's somewhere in the comics canon in which they do refer to each other as brothers. Also, canon and fanon are two different things, and not knowing the apparently wild discourse re: whether or not the different Robins are siblings or not, I breached fandom etiquette by not tagging satisfactorily when I had Jason and Dick mention in casual conversation that they had shared a kiss once. For that I apologize.

For the people who commented on the fic to call me a "creepy cousin-fucker"...just, wow. Go fuck yourself.

I am just going to gently back away from the Batman fandom with my hands raised. I meant no offense and intended no harm. Obviously some of you have very strong feelings on this subject and I stuck my foot in it by thinking that I could rely on what canon I could track down and read.

#batman #batfam #this is how you win the time war

124 notes · View notes

schmergo · 4 months

Text

For many many years of my life, some would say the prime of my youth, I wrote a lot of fanfiction. And that's how I met many of my dearest friends and that's how I met many of you. For a variety of reasons, I haven't written fanfiction for over a decade (unless you count adapting classic literature for the stage) and haven't been active in that fandom for several years, and the website where I published all my fanfic was taken down for several years.

But recently, when googling myself while looking for something else-- not my real name but Schmergo-- I found that that website is back up and some parts of it are a bizarre and semi-touching time capsule of who I was back then. My profile still says I'm 18 years old (I'm 31) and references the Llama Song.

I also saw that from whenever that website was reinstated, they've counted how many reads the various stories have had and at least one of mine has over 100,000. None of those reads would have been during the years I was actually active on the website. It's so strange to think about that many people meeting a version of me from over a decade ago, seeing all of my weird little author's notes like "Wish me luck at my auditions for Guys and Dolls this weekend!" or "Sorry this chapter is late, my grandma's in the hospital."

The strange thing about growing up on the internet is that that version of me is still around, and perhaps more new people meet her than meet me in real life. I do experience a lesser version of that when I see my old tumblr posts circulating around years later, but that stuff doesn't feel as personal.

When I wrote those fanfictions, I'd never kissed a boy or been on a real date, despite the romantic subplots I sprinkled in there. Now I'm happily married. I uploaded my last fanfiction from my freshman dorm at college. Now I have a full-time job in marketing and have for the past 7 years. I wrote two of my favorite short fanfictions while visiting relatives' homes. Both of those relatives have since passed away. During the years I wrote fanfic, I struggled on and off with bullying and body issues. I'm much more secure in myself as an adult. It's easy to see that those stories were written by someone with much less life experience, knowledge, and awareness than I have now.

What hasn't changed? I mean, I still have a weird fixation on Josh Groban. That's aged well.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who's been with me for all of these different stages of my life! It's been weird!

#fanfiction #schmergo

130 notes · View notes

erule · 2 years

Text

High school heartbreaker | s.h.

Pairing: Steve Harrington x reader

Summary: You were in love with Steve when you were in high school together, but he didn’t know about that. Now you meet him by chance at college and you wonder if things could change.

Warnings: kinda rom-com with some clichés probably, unrequited love, A LOT of angst, fluff, mention of nose bleeding, mention of smoking, language, jealous!Steve, mutual pining in the end, happy ending, Robin, Eddie

Word count: 3K

A/N: hi! I wrote this based on a true experience, except for the fact that this ends well. Steve is my favourite character in Stranger Things and he was beyond perfect for this story. Feedback is always appreciated by a writer! Hope y’all like it. Enjoy! x

First day of college and you’re terrified.

Why? Well, let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

So, three months ago, you said goodbye to your school, then to your friends, then again to your best friend (who was supposed to go to college with you, before she betrayed you to follow the “cool guys”) and, last but not least, your high school crush. He was the first person you met on the bus on your first day of school, then he became your friend, but even if the two of you were never really close, somehow your heart managed to fall in love with him. The issue with that? He was in love with someone else. Of course. He dated Nancy Wheeler and you were just the friend that sometimes comforted him during their fights. You were important. So, the last day of school, you hugged him and said: “To new adventures, Steve. Maybe we’ll meet again in the future” and he just smirked at you. It was the moment you knew that he never loved you.

Anyway, now you’re on your own again after all of these years, while Steve’s probably far away with Nancy, having the time of his life. That’s how being a teenager should look like, right? Society tells it every day, but it doesn’t happen to everybody. You can also be alone and succeed, but it doesn’t mean that you’re lonely.

You finally arrive at class. The professor still has to come along, but people are already saying that he’s annoying. How great. You wonder what they’re thinking, while they’re talking with their friends. It seems like you’re the only one without one, as usual. High school was a lot of things, but at least you had your best friend to go through everything. Now it’s different. College can be scary, but you just have to breathe. So you take a deep breath, eyes closed, for three seconds. When you open your eyes, you see that the professor is entering into the room so you turn to your right in order to take your block notes.

“Hey,” somebody says and when you look up your heart begins to race faster than ever, while your brain still has to process who just spoke.

No way.

“What? The cat ate your tongue?”

Your eyes grow wide, but fortunately the professor ask for some silence to begin the lesson.

“Steve?”

He gives you a smile.

“The one and only”.

And this, this feeling of being on fire, is exactly how you know that your crush on somebody has never gone away.

You’re in the bathroom, door closed. This is not something that was supposed to happen today! How can he be at your college? Studying the same things as you? This has to be a nightmare. Does it mean that there’s also Nancy around the corner? No, this is going to become really painful really fast. You thought that you had already being punished enough, when you were forced to see him with Nancy every damn day for the last three years at school, but it seems that you weren’t.

You see a pair of shoes under the door and you gulp. Nancy?

“Hey, are you okay? You seemed pale when you arrived,” somebody says.

You’re so relieved that it’s not Nancy, that you open the door and hit the girl. She yells something, when you see that her nose is bleeding.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry! Here, take a napkin,” you say, but she shakes her head.

“Don’t worry, it’s not painful as when I saw my best friend wear a sailor’s uniform for work,” she said, but you just looked at her, confused. “Anyway, I hope that you’re okay”.

“Me? You’re literally bleeding!”

“It’s nothing. Some jokes on my friend and I’m gonna feel better instantly. You’ll see. Come with me, you should meet him,” she says, while looking at her nose in the mirror. Now it seems better.

“Okay, thanks. This day feels like a nightmare to me already,” you say. She furrows her eyebrows.

“Yeah? Why?”

“I don’t know anybody, except for my high school crush, who wasn’t supposed to be here anyway,” you confess her and now you feel relieved, somehow. Talking about it makes it seem more stupid and less of a problem.

“High school crushes are the worst, trust me, I have a lot of experience in this topic. But tell me more! Did you date them?”

“No, he was dating somebody else the whole time. It was exhausting,” you say, then you look at her and you wonder if you saw her in high school too. “What’s your name, again?”

“I didn’t tell you. I’m Robin!” She exclaims, before you stop in front of her friend, who’s smoking a cigarette with some guys outside the college. “What about you?”

You freeze.

“Robin?”

“Yeah. What happened? Are you okay?”

You swallow some air, when you look in front of you, only to see him winking at you.

“Is that your friend?” You ask her, pointing at him.

“Yeah! How do you know that?”

Fuck.

“I’m…”

Absolutely screwed.

“Y/N!” Steve says, while walking over you.

“Wait, you’re Y/N? The Y/N?” Robin asks and now you’re more confused than ever.

“How do you know me?”

“Y/N, apparently you met Robin. Robin, this is Y/N, we used to take the bus together. I don’t know if you had ever saw her with me in high school”.

“We weren’t really close in high school, Steve…” You say, feeling a burden over your chest.

“But I saw you,” Robin say, while observing your face. You probably look guilty, right now. Maybe she knew that you liked him, but she has now the confirmation of it.

“We used to take the bus together, that’s all,” you repeated.

“You know, I recall the once you asked me if we were friends and I told you no, but three months ago, when you said goodbye to me, I thought that we totally were. Things change, Y/N”.

Not everything, no. Not your love for him.

“It’s weird, because you used not to know a lot of things about me. You probably don’t even remember what I told you that day,” you say, but your heart knows that you’re lying, because you secretly hopes that he does. That he noticed you.

He shakes his head.

But sadly, you’re never wrong.

“I don’t. Was it important?” He asks you, while he lights up another cigarette.

Robin’s looking at you, but you pray that she can’t see your heart breaking into your eyes. It’s just water, after all. But before that, it’s glass in your eyes. Two pieces of glass that you hold with every strength you have in yourself.

“No, it wasn’t,” you say, with a smile. That fake smile made you survive high school with him.

Then, you apologize to them, but you’re “really busy”, so you “have to go” as far as possible away from this horrible situation. You run to your house, feeling too overwhelmed by everything to think straight, to say hi to your parents, to even breathe.

You were sure that he knew that you liked him more than as a friend in high school. You didn’t expect him to care, you didn’t even want him to acknowledge it with you, but that was enough. He crossed the line, when he tried to be charming again, even if he had a girlfriend. When he winked at you, as he did every damn day in high school. When he tried to be funny with you. You just want some peace.

Two weeks after that, though, you find yourself following Steve again as in high school. You wonder if things can change now, if you can be friends with him like you’d be with another guy, but when you see him winking at you while you’re staring at him smoking, your heart tells you the answer: No. But you try to be that anyway, because you love the way he makes you laugh while you’re trying to study or his dumb jokes about the professors. He always seems so full of self-confidence, he could light up a whole room. Your eyes are always on him as if he was the sun. Too stunning not to look at him. Too stunning to burn your eyes.

“It’s a matter of fact, Y/N: I’m the best at it and you know that”.

“At picking horrible movies? Yeah, I agree with that,” you chuckle.

“I literally work here, Y/N, you’re ruining everything with the clients! Come on, choose something cool for tonight,” he says.

“Footloose is off the list, Steve, don’t give me the puppy eyes,” you reply, while taking Back to the Future.

“Marty McFly? Really?”

“Oh, you know my type: sarcastic, sweet and reckless,” you joke, but the look he gives you is very much eloquent, alongside his crooked smile. Your cheeks are made of Hell’s fire, right now.

“Sounds almost as awesome as me, baby,” he says, but even if his tone is ironic, you doubt that he’s trying to flirt with you, because for a moment it seemed like that.

But you are probably wrong.

***

It has been a month since that day. Robin didn’t say anything to you about Steve, but you know that she understood what’s going on. Luckily, she’s a good friend. You have grown closer to them, but also with another guy, Eddie. He likes playing D&D, rock music and he makes a lot of jokes. He’s really funny, but every time you see Steve, your heart aches in your chest. That’s why you’re thinking about going to another college. You’re sick of feeling that way and the exams are getting closer and closer. Eddie said that he could come with you, since he doesn’t have any friends anyway.

You’re trying to study in your room, when you hear a knock. You turn around, only to see Steve waving at you. He seems to feel the coldness of the air, because it’s raining outside. You open the window, so he can come in.

“There’s the front door for this, Steve,” you say.

“Usually, you say hi to people before you scold them,” he jokes, but you don’t laugh.

“I’m not in the mood. What do you want?”

“Why are you not in the mood?”

“Is there anybody else you can annoy? Robin? Nancy?” You ask, but he glances at you because of the irritated way you said the last name.

“Nancy and I broke up,” he say. Time freezes all around you. You finally look at him, at his face and you gulp. He’s still handsome as he was in high school and this is tearing you apart. It’s incredible how much power he still has over you. He never treated you right before, but you thought to see something that others couldn’t that you loved: his vulnerability, his kindness and his tormented soul. Being the king is amazing, but wearing the crown could feel like a burden, sometimes. And well, you can feel lonely under it. “This Summer, actually”.

You swallow.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say…”

“Don’t be. Now ask my question: why are you not in the mood?”

You shrug.

“It’s nothing, really”.

“Y/N, talk to me,” he says and the way his gaze caresses your shape makes he seem hopeless.

You sigh.

“I’m thinking about moving away,” you say. He doesn’t move a muscle, but the light of your lamp is drawing some scribbles into his eyes.

You wonder if he despise your idea, but before he can say anything, your phone begins to buzz. He notices it and when he sees who’s calling you, he clenches his jaw.

“Don’t answer that,” he orders.

“What? Steve, it’s Eddie”.

“We’re in the middle of something, Y/N”.

“It can wait”.

“No, it can’t!” He exclaims and you flinch. He breathes out, then he puts his hands on his hips. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just… Oh, come on! Just give me some attention, for once”.

“For once?” You ask him. Eddie stopped calling. “I gave you three years of my life, Steve! I’m still doing it”.

“I know,” he says, without pride. You feel a knot in your throat, now.

“You’ve been knowing it all along, right?”

“No…”

“You made fun of me!”

“No, Y/N…” “You loved to be a heartbreaker at high school, didn’t you? Well, you fucking broke my heart, Steve! I hope that you’re happy with it”.

“I didn’t know!” He shouts. You look at him in disbelief. It’s not possible. You thought that he noticed that three years ago, that he knew everything by now… Did you just confess it to him? “If you’d just let me explain… Oh, for the love of… Robin told me, okay? Robin told me that today. She said that I had to stop you, that I was the only one that could. Our college is the best one and you deserve the best. So I asked her why I was the only one to make you change your mind and she said… You know what she said,” he says, without looking at you, but you want him to tell it. To tell what you’re not brave enough to say out loud.

“I don’t”.

He looks at you and you see that his eyes are glossy as yours. It seems almost too painful for him than to you. He’s praying you with a gaze not to say that, but you’re firm. It’s the closest thing you can ask him to say to you to an “I love you”.

“That you’re in love with me,” he says and a sob escapes from your lips. “You’ve been cruel to yourself, Y/N”.

“No, that’s exactly what I deserve to be in love with someone selfish and egocentric like you”.

“I’m not like that anymore, Y/N. Let me prove it,” he says. “Please.”

“I’m not falling for your lies again, Steve. Now get out”.

“I’m gonna leave college!” He blurts out and you freeze again.

“What?”

“So you don’t have to do it”.

“You’re being insane, Steve. Go to bed,” you say, then you take his wrist in order to kick him out, but his skin is burning. He squeezes your hand.

“I remember,” he says. “And I didn’t answer. I’ve been regretting that moment since you walked out the school. I didn’t know what to say”.

“Steve, it’s okay, it’s not that important…”

“No, it is. It is for you. You said: Maybe we’ll meet again. And I didn’t care, because Nancy was about to break up with me and I was losing my throne. And you were just a stop along the ride,” he says and your heart aches for that. “But I was wrong. You’ve been my friend when everybody else was pretending to be one. You loved me even if I didn’t treat you right. You comforted me when I fought with Nance, because you saw me. And you walked past my flaws, every fucking time. I used to think that the worst thing I did in high school was losing Nancy, but now I think that breaking your heart was. I regret not telling you that I imagined that you liked me, because maybe I would have known you better and I would have felt what I feel now for you”.

You feel overwhelmed by his last sentence. It’s what you have always desired to hear from his mouth, what you have always wished for at every birthday of yours, yet it feels just sad now. Perhaps, it’s too late.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m jealous,” he says and you see in the way he flexes his muscles that it costs him an enormous amount of strength to pronounce these words. “Of Eddie. And I know that I have no right to say this, but I am. He was the first one to know about your decision, while I was the cause of it. It broke my heart”.

“Now you know the feeling,” you say, with a smile.

“I guess so. Y/N, please, don’t go. We deserve a chance”.

You look at his hand, that is still on yours and something in your lungs stops working. It’s like you’re out of breath. The emptiness can’t be filled by air, because that has always been his place to be. Not in your heart, but in your lungs, to be oxygen for you to keep walking. To keep living.

“You’re not entitled to be jealous, but neither was I at the time and yet, I was. So I get the feeling, Steve, but I don’t want to be just a replacement of Nancy for you, because I’ve been waiting for this moment for years. You don’t know how painful it is to love somebody who doesn’t want you. And I’ve wanted you for so much time, Steve, so much time…”

“I know, Y/N, but you have to trust me: I see you right now. I see you, standing in front of me and I think that you’re beautiful. And too smart to date somebody like me, but still, I’m praying that you do it anyway,” he says, with a genuine smile on his face and you feel a sense of warmth into your chest.

“You should stop talking and start kissing me, right now,” you reply and so, he does it.

It’s an explosion in your stomach. It’s a dream that comes true when you’ve lost all of your hopes. It has come the day that you’ve finally felt like everything is in its place: his lips on yours, for example. The rain on the leaves in your garden. The heart in your chest that doesn’t hurt anymore.

He finally fixed what he broke a long time ago.

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #erule's masterlist #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fic #steve harrington ff #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington angst #steve harrington headcanon #steve harrington hc #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington one shot #steve harrington blurb #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x y/n #stranger things #joe keery x reader

1K notes · View notes

coweye · 10 months

Text

Commitment Issues - Part 9

Pairing: Benjamin Miller x Reader Words: 5.0K Summary: When you try and take your friends with benefits relationship to the next level, Benny’s response isn’t quite what you were expecting.

Warnings: Finally there's warnings again! Slight Angst, NSFW - respect the 18+ pls, cuteness.

So, this fic has always been close to my heart.

I wrote this two years ago about a guy I was seeing but wanted more from. (Full disclosure, he’s no Benny Miller and luckily I didn’t have his baby.) It was a way of daydreaming the way my life could’ve gone. I never could’ve imagined you guys would embrace it the way you have and it honestly warms my heart so much that there are people out here waiting for an update. I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting.

A few months ago (the not-Benny) actually asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Spoiler alert - he’s really not boyfriend material. So, much as I suspected, it didn't work out, because men aren’t written by women in real life. I’m not surprised or sad, I’m happy I know for sure but it feels like I’ve come full circle and I think it's time I give our girl the ending I didn’t get.

I love you all so much and words can describe how much I appreciate your support.

➢fic masterpost

PREVIOUS PART

Life in the past 48 hours had been… surreal.

You had confessed your feelings for your baby daddy and then found out that he reciprocated those feelings all before doing the equivalent of pushing a grape out of your nostril.

A baby.

A gorgeous baby girl.

Gorgeous didn’t quite cover it, yet finding a word that described the transcendent beauty of the soul you’d brought forth into this world escaped you, as did a name for the said beauty.

For the time being the angel made human was currently known as TBD or more affectionately Tee. The two of you had been trying out names but a new baby and totally requited feelings didn't automatically cancel out a life-time of bickering.

Your problem was there wasn’t a name you’d heard that actually sounded like her and Ben, god love him, had a habit of picking names from a nursing homes register; Ethel, Millicent, Edith - I could go on.

He liked old fashioned names, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, though it didn’t lend itself to easy compromise.

So, Tee, she remained with test names thrown in sporadically with hopes that a winner would stick, ideally before her 18th Birthday.

Whilst the name vetoing annoyed the hell out of you there wasn’t any real friction. The name discussion never became heated, if a name was vetoed you moved on to the next accepting the decision of the other person.

It was a healthy co-parenting dream.

Despite the pending conversation that loomed over you both, things weren’t awkward - quite simply because you didn’t have the time for it to be!

Mia (Nah) didn’t leave you much time for it.

Whilst she was a dream for sleeping, the time afforded to you both was spent sleeping or preparing the house for her awakening. She was beautiful, but exhausting - a lot like her father.

So it only made sense that when you got your first minute of peace, after a long nap, now in your own bed and fresh pajamas; that the innermost workings of your heart would come to the surface.

To the backing track of Modern Family, you planned and plotted your conversation word for word. Time allowed for dramatic pauses and longing gazes were of course included. When you began planning his lines you realized enough was enough and rose from your bed.

Sure, after looking in the mirror, you’d had better days for your self confidence - ones where you weren’t rocking an adult nappy. But beggars couldn't be choosers and if you let it run in circles anymore you were afraid your brain would just combust.

There was a huge part of you that was excited after all this was years in the making, but then that small, human part of you was screaming at you to temper your expectations.

How often does someone get everything they want? When did your life become a fairy tale?

You didn’t think Benny would flat out turn you down, but what if he couldn’t live up to what had been in your head.

For the first time, in a long time, you decided to ignore your brain - self preservation be damned.

With a turn on your heel in a matching silk pajama set and a goddamn adult nappy you proudly began your descent down the stairs.

Nothing could’ve prepared you for when you rounded the corner.

There on the sofa he lay, utterly shirtless. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d seen him like this, in fact you’d actively avoided his fights after you had ‘broken up’ for this very reason because one look at those rippling shoulders would’ve tanked any remaining resolve or feminism left in your body.

It would also be remiss to add that your daughter lay on his chest for what you assume was skin-to-skin time. Somehow, it both melted your heart and stoked a fire within you - having a child was strange. Since when was being a good Father a kink for you?

“Pssst.” You whispered under your breath, trying to get his attention without waking the bean. It took another two tries before he finally looked up confused and then fixed you with that beaming smile.

“Well… good mornin’, Mama.” His voice was deep from lack of use and he looked utterly exhausted yet his smile was as big as ever.

You couldn’t help your own grin at his words as you pressed your attack and kneeled at his side. For a moment your hand stroked at the valley of her spine, before your palm came to rest on his bare shoulder.

How the hell could two people so clueless make something so absolutely perfect?

After a moment or two spent lost in pure adoration you lifted your gaze to Ben. His eyes hadn’t left your face since he became aware of your presence.

You couldn’t help it.

Now was the time for words not for actions that had made this hole you were currently buried in, and yet …

You let yourself get lost in those eyes and pressed your lips against his.

It was soft.

Softer than anything the two of you had ever known.

Neither one of you pushed for more, you simply indulged in the closeness that had been hard won to come so easily. The hand not cradling your daughter to his chest, rose to hug your cheek as you parted.

“Where did that come from?”

“I’ve been meaning to do it since the hospital, but the nap helped me put my ducks in a row, I guess.”

Benny rose into a sitting position, slowly, mindful of the sleeping infant on his chest.

He laid her in the moses basket at the foot of the sofa and pressed the white noise machine. Mozart began playing softly, lulling her into a deeper sleep.

Finally, Benny turned back to you, his eyes serious. “I wasn’t sure if you regretted saying what you did… if it was the heat of the moment… y’know the fear.”

You contemplated for a single moment.

“I meant every word.”

The problem with you and Benn had always been that you both approached your relationship with one foot out the door, whoever cared the least won. It was the way you both protected yourself.

It was only now you were realizing the commitment issues had gone both ways, for a time at least. It was easier if you played with no skin in the game, there was nothing to lose. But now, you had everything to lose and you didn’t want to waste a single moment playing the stupid games you’d wasted so many years of your life devoted to.

“Every word?”

“Every. Single. One. Especially the ones about your lame singing.” You couldn’t help your grin that snuck out as you teased him.

“Lame? I’m sorry it's that gruff, sexy singing that made your ass crush on me.”

“God. I wish I could take it all back, but I do Benny, I fucking adore you.”

All through your back and forth he’d been advancing. It was as if your words prompted him to pounce. His hands were planted on your cheeks, as he gave you a part of himself in an all consuming kiss.

It was like he was trying to explain all his feelings, all the hurt and frustration and affection he’d felt in one kiss.

As his tongue brushed yours and his hands trailed the sides of your body to pull you against him, your hands found his shoulders as you attempted to pull him closer, as if that was even possible.

The two of you had been at war for so long, so afraid to give eachother any part of yourself. The air was thick with emotion, your hormones were all over the place as tears began to leak from your eyes.

Relief, joy, lo- you couldn’t name the emotion entirely but it was some combination. With your kisses you promised to start anew, to fix what was broken and forget all the hurt you had caused one another.

You were going to do your best for her, for your Joy.

Unable to stop yourself, you grabbed at the waistband of his sweats, finding the warm skin of his toned stomach. That seemed to bring him back to reality as he grabbed your hands and placed his forehead against yours, breathing heavily through his nose in what you assumed was an attempt to gather his self control.

“Angel, you’re gonna start something you can’t finish, by my reckon… for at least 6 weeks.”

“Let me take care of you.” You breathed, dropping your kisses lower to his neck.

“No, baby. We’re doing this right. I’m not gonna cum in your mouth and then leave you to carry on with your day aching in both ways - at least not till you can return the favor in mine.” He kissed your forehead chastely, as if he hadn’t just promised to eat you out the second your pussy was healed.

“Benny.” You whined.

“I don’t care Y/N. We’re doing this right, I’ve fucked this up too many times.”

“I guess 6 weeks isn’t too long… right?”

WRONG.

Four Weeks Later

The two of you had come in leaps and bounds in your communication and you were striving towards a healthy relationship.

Hell, the two of you had been on about five PG-13 dates. Sure, it was slowly killing you, the lack of physical contact below the belt, but the two of you were getting to know each other as a romantic partner instead of a best friend that occasionally rides him in his truck.

It was good, going back over the steps the two of you had missed. Your injured vagina was allowing you to take it slow, something you and Benny sorely needed the second time round.

Though, it was still Benny. So he constantly teetered on the edge of gentlemanly courtship as he caressed the meat of your thigh as the two of you sat closely in a booth; and you loved it.

All in all, it was kinda perfect.

So it was fitting that your perfect life shattered around you on a random Saturday morning.

“Sure Jaz, I’ll meet you at 11…. Okay, see you soon.” You heard from the man currently cradling your daughter in his arms as he gave her a bottle.

God, you wished you had more faith in your shiny new relationship, that you didn’t immediately jump to anger.

Alas, rage was an old ally and you leapt into his eagerly awaiting arms.

Every single doubt and unfair suspicion raised to your tongue as he turned to face you. He fixed you with an easy smile, clearly none-the wiser about the eye of the storm he was currently wandering into.

“Ben... I’ve gotta’ ask. It's been weighing on me for months… but who the fuck is Jaz?”

He blanched, his eyes looking down to your daughter as if she at 4 weeks old was capable of critical thinking. It clearly wasn’t what he was expecting when it left your mouth. He looked… somewhere between embarrassed and guilty.

It was then your eye caught the bottles that hadn’t been rinsed. They were abandoned on the marble, left to sour. That all but sealed his fate.

Sure, if you weren’t actively plotting his and his secret girlfriend's demise, you may not have overreacted. But in that solitary, ugly moment, that basic lack of regard he held for you and your relationship was encapsulated by his inability to complete the singular god forsaken chore that was his.

The guy didn’t have a chance to respond before you were at the sink filling the washing up bowl with foamy water. The aroma of sour milk as you unscrewed the bottle lids only served to stoke your fires as you all but threw the stinking bottles in the water, splashing yourself with suds as you did.

“Do I have to do everything?!”

“Y/N…”

“Sometimes, Ben…”

“What the fuck - can we just rewind or can you explain what exactly it is you think i’ve done?!” He is incredulous as he places your daughter in her soothing swing chair, his arms now raising in surrender.

“You need me to explain?” You huff, stoney in disbelief at his gall.

“For god sake Y/N… leave them, I’m gonna get to them after this one.”

“Yeah, well. I’ve learnt not to believe you when you say things and do the complete opposite…”

“Do the complete opposite?” You heard clear as day the anger building in his voice. “If you wanna say something, then fucking say it!”

“FINE! I’ll say it! “ You slammed the last bottle in the bowl and turned round, wiping your hands on a tea towel as you fixed your gaze on him. “I thought you were happy taking it slow, I thought you wanted to be with me. But no, Jaz. AGAIN..”

He let out a light laugh, one that held no humor. “Christ sakes, Y/N - Jaz is a client! - I’m a fuckin’ personal trainer!”

“SHE’S- Oh-”

“Yeah - Oh.” His arms were crossed across his chest and his eyes had hardened.

“I - I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“To go from a soldier, to a fighter, to a glorified crossfit instructor … just a little humiliating, Y/N.” His voice was flat and dejected as he spoke.

At that moment, you were utterly ashamed.

“Ben… I am so -”

“Yeah. You’re sorry. But that's the thing, no matter how much I apologize or tell you how I feel about you, it's never enough. Y/N why are we even bothering when you clearly still don’t trust me.”

“Ben, I-”

“No, Y/N. It's not fair. I’ve been a good Dad and to be completely honest I’ve been a pretty stellar boyfriend, and yet all I get from you is fuckin’ accusations!”

You hadn’t seen Benny this angry outside of the of the ring in a long fucking time. Yet you weren’t afraid of him as he came to stand before you, you knew Ben.

“I can’t do this. Not if you’re gonna hold on to every doubt you have about me and whip them out every time I do something to piss you off, I’m not perfect Y/N.”

“I’m trying… Ben it’s not-”

“No. Listen, I told you. I told you how hard this was for me.” He stood before you, his shoulders sagged in defeat as his eyes shone with unshed tears. “I fucking poured my heart out to you, baby. I only want you and if you can’t trust that, then this isn’t going to work out and we need to stop and just be parents, because I’m not gonna live my life like this - instantly guilty for whatever shit your head dreams up for me.”

He picked up his cap from the dining room table and bent down to place a kiss on your sleeping daughter's forehead before he swiped his hair back from his face and placed the cap on top. Your fingers were aching from the grip you had on the counter.

“Well, I'm going to have some adulterous sex with my side piece Jasmine. Then I might swing by Flanagan’s on my way home for a threesome with an old flame. Who knows might make it a goddamn foursome!” Benny strolled out, he didn’t slam a single door. Always conscientious of the baby.

Goddamn you felt like shit.

It was hard to admit that you were wrong.

All joking aside, you weren’t used to it. You never went into battle half cocked, which meant all arguments were mentally vetted before you championed a cause. But no matter how you sliced it, this time you were unequivocally wrong.

You had come at him with such anger. God, you should’ve just calmly asked him who Jasmine was. Why did you automatically assume the worst?

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda - Didn’t do any good now.

Simply put, you had been a dick, to a man who had been nothing short of amazing to you.

It was as you stood frozen leaning against the counter top that you began to realize you’d never fully forgiven Ben for what happened a year ago. The toll that had taken on your self worth and your confidence.

It wasn’t his fault, not really. You had promised yourself when starting this back up you’d forgive everything from the past, but you supposed that was hard when he’d never really apologized.

That was petty, you reasoned.

You knew he was sorry.

The two of you had jumped straight back into dating, deciding to try and have the perfect romance without the deep connection which came from talking through the nitty gritty. All because the truth of the matter was; feelings made you both uncomfortable.

So you avoided talking about them at all costs, hell you'd been in active labour before you'd been able to bare your soul to him.

So, how could you be so surprised when it bubbled up in these ugly ways?

Deciding to resolve these difficult thoughts with Benny when or if he returned, eased the ache within yourself a tiny bit.

Placing the baby monitor beside your sleeping daughter you decided to prepare yourself for that conversation.

You made it through one life affirming shower and half of your skincare routine before her wails demanded your presence.

“Mommy’s coming baby.” You spoke through the monitor using it as a walkie talkie. It was hard not to flash back to your service days as you used it. You were half way down the stairs reminiscing on the good ole days when you weren’t a complete asshole, when you heard a male voice whispering to Tee on the monitor.

It was instinctual; you didn’t even think, you just moved, taking the stairs two at a time, stopping only to grab a weapon or, as it is more commonly known as, a broom.

“GET AWAY FROM HER ASSHOLE.” You wielded the broom like a hockey stick ready to swing on the assailant. As you rounded the corner and were stupefied to find Benny there with your daughter, his eyes wide as you entered the room ready to assault him.

“Y/N?!”

“BENNY. OH MY CHRIST. I thought - “ In a single moment you instantly drop the broom and grab your baby from his arms, planting kisses all over her face and head.

“Oh my god, you scared mommy, Tee. Yes you did. My heart, oh fucking christ. I didn’t expect you back.”

“What can I say - I didn't fancy the orgy today.”

“Daddy’s very funny, Sienna.”

“Sienna… Sienna Miller?” Benny narrows his eyes over the top of his Starbucks takeout cup.

“Veto.” You both say in unison despite your argument.

Tee whined in your arms, amping up for a wail.

“She didn’t finish her bottle before she fell asleep earlier.” Ben pointed out to the half empty bottle waiting to be washed up. Your stomach dropped at the mere sight of the cause of your hissy fit earlier.

“Are you hungry, beautiful girl?” You crooned to your baby after a pause. Adjusting the robe you had thrown on after your shower. “I’ll feed her and then we can talk?”

He nodded, his face giving nothing away. It was strange to be stonewalled by Ben. Usually every thought that crossed his mind was mirrored on his face.

Taking a seat in the love chair you’d set up in the lounge for this exact purpose you exposed your breast. You had been doing a half breast half formula feeding pattern so that Ben could pitch in.

She latched on quickly, but never as quickly as she did the bottle. A tiny part of you was disappointed, as you’d always had images of breastfeeding your child. But with a low milk supply you’d had little option but to supplement with bottles, but beyond the bonding aspect you had no qualms with the bottle.

Tee was slowly falling asleep as she drank and after about five minutes she was gone to the world.

Feeling guilty all while, you held her to your chest after rearranging your robe. You should be speaking to Benny about your regrettable words earlier and yet you couldn’t force your legs to move. Telling someone you had been a complete dick wasn’t a fun thing to do.

So it made sense after about ten minutes of hiding that Benny appeared with the moses basket in toe for your sleeping angel.

You nodded thankfully and silently you handed her off to him, making sure that your entire chest was covered.

He placed her in the far corner of the room, far enough away that your voices - if they were kept below a shout - wouldn’t wake her.

He took a seat to your right, there was about a meter between you. It was all so stiff, like a business meeting as you each waited for the other to speak.

“So.” He muttered avoiding eye contact.

“I’ll start. I’m sorry Ben. You didn’t deserve that.” His eyes rose to meet yours. “I want this to work. I meant it, I want to leave it all behind and I thought I could - just forget everything, I mean. But I can’t. I think, well, I think we need to talk about it.”

“Y/N-”

“No, Ben, please. I’ve thought about this for like twenty minutes in the shower.” You left your seat to sit beside him. “I know you don’t like… feelings. I don’t either, it's awkward. But, I need to get through this to get over it, y’know?”

“I think I do.” He nodded. You took his hand in yours.

“I’m not making excuses, I’m sorry I lost my shit this morning. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. When I heard her name, I was right back there. Pregnant and alone and just completely unsure about everything; infatuated with a guy who I didn’t think felt the same. It was terrifying … And I’ve never told you that. It messed with my head everything that happened last year.”

“Right back where?... When you heard her name?”

“At the baby shower.”

“Oh Y/N, you should've asked!”

“Why? We weren’t together.”

“I started as a PT about a month after Christmas. After I found out and the hospital - It's a hell of a lot safer and the pay’s more steady. I’m still training with Will but the fights are gonna’ be … fewer. I wanna be around.” His hand clutched in yours tightened his thumb on your fingers forcing you to look up.

“You’re such a good Dad. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t” Your hand rose to his face.

“I am so sorry. I haven’t said it have I? But I am. That night you told me you wanted more and I shut you down, I broke your heart. I don’t want anyone else, only you. I need you to hear me.”

“I do Ben, I do.”

“No, Y/N. I want you to be my wife, I want you to have more of my babies. You’re the only one for me, I think of you when I wake up, before I go to sleep - there hasn’t been a day in the past ten years I haven’t thought about you. I will never hurt you like that again, I fucking promise you.”

Tears sprung to your eyes as your heart began to heal, it felt so full as you sat beside him basking in his words.

“I fucking dig you Benny.” You grabbed his cheeks pulling him into a kiss. It started off lighter before it began to deepen.

Teasingly you flicked your tongue against his gaining access, biting his lip you pulled yourself onto his lap to get a better angle on your exploration of his mouth. Through his jeans you felt him begin to swell as he pressed against the linen of your robe.

It had only been three weeks, but you were desperate for him to be inside you. Compromise was the name of the game.

He pulled away from your mouth, which you were fine with, you knew the words about to leave his lips. Which is why you decided to be persuasive as you trailed kisses down his neck.

“Baby, no, you’ve only just had a baby, c’mon.”

Smothering kisses against his warm skin, he smelled deliciously of the Calvin Klein aftershave he always spritzed on before leaving the house. You moved your hips against his, which prompted him to grab them. His large hands splayed across your ass, holding you still as he attempted to maintain some semblance of self control.

“You can’t go inside, but we can still have fun.” You whispered into his neck. “Besides, you’re the injured party, I have an apology to make.”

“Well…” He moaned as you playfully bit at his warm flesh “You were mean as hell, baby.”

With Benjamin's help you shrugged the linen dressing gown from your shoulders. Instantly you were completely exposed before him. His eyes zeroed in on your swollen breasts, sure he’d seen them in passing but never so freely exposed and at eye level.

Hands gentle as always rose to cup them. Those gorgeous fingers skirted around your nipples making your hips rut down against his hardened member.

“Sensitive.” You explained before he placed kisses on them. He kissed along the underside of your breast before lathering his tongue around your nipples. His gaze lowered and his palms skirted along your sides before they landed on your ass.

You couldn’t help your self consciousness, the last time this man had seen you naked you’d been a size Y/S. Now you had some fresh stretch marks and a stomach still swollen from your child.

However, all your self consciousness went out the window the second he squeezed at the meat there and pulled you down against his jeans, his hips thrusted up in time, almost unintentionally.

The fabric was causing some delicious friction against your clit, yet you wanted more.

“Is this okay, you’re not in pain?” He asked resting his forehead against yours.

You kissed his lips as you held onto his jaw.

“No. I want more.”

“You can’t have more, your sweet pussy needs more time before I ruin it.” He smirked before claiming your mouth with his tongue, putting all his filthy promises behind it.

“No, but you can.” You leaned backwards and began to undo his zipper. His hands came up to stop you before he remembered your words from earlier.

Finally, you set him free. He was bigger than you remembered, straining up against Ben’s belly. You couldn't resist as you rubbed your bare heat against him. You were sopping as his cock came away wet.

Benny groaned, one hand squeezing the meat of your ass and the other staying firmly on your hip, just in case you tried something. You grabbed his chin, joining your mouths in a deep kiss, once more you dropped your hips, your clit bumping against the head of his cock in the most delicious way before you slid along his shaft.

Once again he groaned, this time into your mouth which you greedily swallowed up. Playfully you bit at his lip, touching your tongue once more to his just to give him a preview of how talented it could be.

He began to help you as he pushed his jeans further down his thighs frantically as you moved off of his lap and fell onto your knees between his legs.

Your mouth watered as you stared at his pulsing cock, now covered in your own wetness. You couldn’t help a smirk as his head dropped back on the couch as he tried to give you space to work.

Slowly, playfully almost, you stroked his length and you couldn't help a small smirk as his hips thrusted into your palm. Right where you wanted him, he was fighting a losing battle of control.

With no warning you leaned down and swiped your quick tongue along the head of his cock. If the groans had added to the flood below the belt, the broken call of your name had you practically gushing.

Leaning forward to get a better vantage, you sneakily pressed your heel into your clit. It alleviated some of the pressure but nowhere near enough.

All at once you took his length into your mouth, his cry was absolutely gorgeous as he grabbed at his own thigh.

Your tongue lathered the veins that hid on the underside of his cock. It was wet and messy and he was quickly falling apart in your mouth.

He was fighting the urge to fuck your mouth as he gripped at his thighs in solidarity, you wanted him to bruise the back of your throat with his thrusts.

You reached up and grabbed his hand, currently grabbing at his thigh and placed it into your hair. It was an open invitation, to let himself go. To stop being so polite and sorry, to go back to fucking you the way he used to.

It was an invited he RSVP’ed immediately. His hands immediately began guiding your face up and down his cock, pushing your face down so that the head of his dick nudged the back of your throat.

Your gag constricted around his cock which made his head roll back in pleasure. His hand loosened its hold on your hair, almost asking permission.

With a roll off your eyes you dropped your head harder than he had, his cock was practically in your esophagus, but it showed him you could take it.

“Yes, baby. Fuck - you suck cock so good.”

Unable to help it you grinded against your heel, desperate for the sweet relief of his touch, but unable to receive it.

You noticed the pressure building as his stomach began taut as he continued fucking your face.

Taking back control, your hands found his balls and rolled them between your fingers caused him to groan as that pressure increased.

“Fuck baby, I’m gonna-” His cry was all you needed as you as you took his entire length in your mouth. You fought the urge to gag as you reminded yourself to breathe through your nose. His come spurted hotly down your throat as you swallowed every damn drop of it.

@sixshooter665 @queenie-b- @rambling-in-purple @anaaaispunk

@miraclesabound @kravitzwhorehore @ahsokathearcher @xoxabs88xox @heresathreebee @psychadelichues @marauderskeeper @tanzthompsonn @mermaidxatxheart

#benny miller fic #benny miller smut #benny miller x reader #triple froniter #triple frontier fanfiction #benjamin miller #benny miller #benny miller x you

105 notes · View notes

rocksandmirrors · 4 months

Text

this is something i wrote a couple weeks ago based on the second art of this post i've made, but i didn't feel like posting it on ao3. hope you enjoy!! the wonderful @sapphic--kiwi inspired me to write this, make sure to check out her blog as well <3 she's a very talented artist and writer

also watch out for body issues and internalized fatphobia

Matt couldn’t stand to see his reflection anymore.

He should have seen it coming, though; with all the work he had been doing for the last years, and being able to eat his fill every day, it was obvious he would gain weight. Yet, now that he stared at himself in the mirror, all he could see was the extra pounds that didn’t have to be there. He knew this was silly, but an immature part of him hoped he could have looked like these constructionist witches in the shows he watched, attractive and shaped like a V.

Grimacing, he pinched a bulge on his stomach and let out a groan. He hated looking like this, especially when he was so skinny just a couple years ago. Maybe he could skip breakfast, just for today. He wasn’t that hungry anyway.

Shaking his head to try and think about something else, Matt reached out to the cabinet above the sink until he saw Augustus’ reflection in the mirror, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. He froze as they locked eyes, and he prayed he hadn’t seen too much of him wallowing in his misery.

“Hey,” he mumbled, finally opening the cabinet to grab his hairbrush. “Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Nah.” Matt heard footsteps behind him, and a few seconds later, felt a pair of arms around his waist, as well Augustus’ warmth against his back, and his chin on his shoulder. “You’re up earlier than usual.”

“Eh, I just woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. Figured I could get prepared for work, at least.”

Augustus’ hands wandered around his stomach and hips- areas of his body that he hated more than anything- and he repressed the urge to push them away. Instead, he started brushing his hair, slowly, untying all the knots one by one. He had two hours left before leaving, might as well take his time.

“Matty, are you okay?” he asked, slumber still staining his voice.

“M’yeah. Sort of.” When he met Augustus’ eyes again through the mirror, he sighed. “No, not really.”

“I know. I saw you.”

Yeah, he figured as much. His fiance had that talent for always being at the wrong place, at the wrong time. He put his hairbrush down next to the sink, still staring at their reflections.

“Of course you saw me. There’s nothing else to see about me but… this,” he added, disgust dripping in his tone.

“Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“Like what? Like I became fucking ugly? Someone here has to, because you sure as hell aren’t doing it.”

Matt was getting worked up over pretty much nothing and arguing with a brick wall; he knew that, yet couldn’t help it. Just thinking about the way his body had changed over the last years made him feel miserable and fall back into his old self-deprecating ways, aggressive towards someone who didn’t ask for it.

“You’re not ugly,” Augustus argued, leaving a peck on his jaw. “You’ve never been.”

“Augustus, you don’t need to rub me up the right way. I know I’ve changed, I mean- you’ve seen me at seventeen, look at me now! I was in much better shape back then!”

“Were you?”

“Do you really need me to make an illusion of my old self to compare?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.

Augustus shook his head, his hands still rubbing the parts of his body he hated the most. Matt just wanted this conversation to end, to go on about his day and shove that brief moment of vulnerability into a corner of his mind so he could forget about it. As much as he hated his current appearance, he never intended for his lover to listen to him vent about his body issues first thing in the morning.

“Matt, you had nothing to eat as a teen, of course you were skinnier. Hell, I’ve seen you digging through trash at school just to have lunch.”

“Yeah, but-”

“You’ve grown up. You’re doing a lot more physical work, and like it or not, you can’t keep your teen body all your life.” One of Augustus’ hands moved up to his torso. “If you really want to lose weight someday, I’ll support you, but I want you to know I also love how you look right now, because you’re just as healthy and handsome. Frankly, I’m happy to see you like this.”

Matt’s breath got stuck in his throat, and his eyes widened at these words. He knew Augustus tended to be clingier than usual whenever he lacked some sleep, but he still needed to get used to all the praise that came with it.

“I don’t really see it,” he admitted with a shrug.

“That’s okay. I don’t expect you to get over this right away.” The younger witch left another kiss, this time at the nape of his neck, and a shiver ran down his spine. “But trust me, if you could see yourself the way I see you, you’d marry yourself in a heartbeat.”

Matt could feel- and see- all the blood rushing to his face, and suddenly, the warm hands wandering on his body didn’t bother him as much- they felt loving, tender, worshiping every part of the body he still struggled to accept as it was. He leaned into Augustus, still standing behind him, and the arms around him wrapped themselves tighter.

“Are you feeling any better?” He asked.

“I… Yeah, actually. Thanks, babe.”

“No problem.” Augustus left one last peck on the shell of his ear before stepping back, and Matt immediately missed his warmth. “Since we’re both awake, I’m gonna make some coffee. Do you want some?”

“You know it.” Matt turned around to face him, offering him a tired smile. “Let me make you breakfast, yeah?”

“Don't worry, I’m not touching any pans in this kitchen,” he yawned as he left the bathroom.

Matt watched his fiance walk away, then turned back to his reflection. Half of his hair had been brushed, the bags under his eyes were a little more prominent than usual, contrasting with his crimson face, and his shirt was a little crinkled from where Augustus had been touching him. He pinched a bulge on his stomach again, poking at the fat here and there with a faint smile.

Maybe he could indulge in breakfast today.

#the owl house #gus porter #mattholomule #gustholomule #fanfic #fanfiction #toh fanfic #the owl house fanfiction

25 notes · View notes

rosyk · 10 months

Text

Seven in Silence

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: heavy angst, romance, slight thriller, passion

warnings: family problems, anxiety, separation issues, depression, and light curses

word count: 17.1k

a/n: Hello everyone! I came back from the dead lol. This was not proofread but also the most interesting story I've handled because I wrote the first part two years ago and continued it this year. I really enjoyed how this one ended up and I hope you do too <3 (also any feedback regarding the way I changed [name] to y/n instead cause others seemed to be enjoying it better; what do you think?)

There I was again, planning to do the usual routine even at my best friend’s wedding. Right, I was supposed to be happily crying for her but today seemed off. The tears overflowing as I faced the mirror in the women’s restroom, burns my cheeks and sore my eyes. It hurts so bad but it isn’t as if that wasn’t my everyday lifestyle. I cried after knowing I had another day to suffer and wept in my sleepless nights. Common breakdowns, that’s it. I take this as something unacceptable though especially in the time my partner in crime would be off in her white dress. I should be in joy, rather than make her feel bad.

I sniffed and wiped away my tears. I pulled out a foundation on my favorite sling bag and placed it on my face to cover up the marks under my eyes. As I was about to leave, I hesitated twisting the doorknob. “Great” I sighed after remembering. I am not on good terms with some people she’s friends with, but I don’t want to break it to her. I shook all the thoughts away and took a deep breath to prepare myself. Opening the door, my first steps were something I was proud of.

Heading to the same table as they are, they greeted me with smiles. What I meant by that was ‘humiliating grins’. I despised it but I should make sure I wouldn’t cause another ruckus.

“Anyone with you?” Emily, the girl who mocked me in class way back in high school, decided to speak up. The remaining girl fake gasped and her eyes widened in false concern. “Sorry, shouldn’t have talked about it” smugly, she remarked.

They know well that my best friend is the only one I could count on. After my image was broken due to them setting me up, she’s the only one who accepted me at my worst. It still pains me that after this reception, I’d be all alone once again.

Without letting them recognize the effect they’ve placed on me, I gave a slight smile that remains unnoticeable and replied “It’s fine. I went here alone, and it doesn’t matter”. I let it off with a slight chuckle to make it appear as a joke but they understood the context in which her group rolled their eyes and some scoffed. Reminiscing the memories, I saw her crying to death when she couldn’t be accepted in their ‘sorority’. She couldn’t live without having someone by her side, but I could; that’s the difference I wanted to say.

Hearing the host clearing his throat, we were brought back to reality and faced him. He started with opening remarks that took too long for me to struggle to keep my tears back on my eyes. Swiftly acting as if I was admiring the place, I looked up and around the venue for a short while for it not to appear so obvious.

Hours came by and yes, she was married and it was a mission accomplished. Her partner or now known as her husband is a lucky guy to be able to live with Yuna throughout her life. Everyone needs a Yuna; I’m so happy for her but now that I can’t be that free in communicating with her as she had other duties as a wife, seemed to be a problem for me.

It was just us in a cafe right now to celebrate, like what her friends claimed to say. Awful, suffocating, I was so out of place because I never was in their group. Not that I would want to anyway.

Every time they’d joke, I forced a slight chuckle as if I was amused with everything they said. Yuna, who is quite naive, was really happy because I get to enjoy myself with them. Her friends, on the other hand, raised their eyebrows at me and tried to hold in their laughter because they intended to make an inside joke I’ve never heard of. My pride sank but all I could do was smile.

The room was filled with loud chatters, contrastingly, I sighed mentally. It was a crowded room but I felt lonely somehow. I’m convinced it reassured me that I would have to be alone at the end of the day, and it’s not helping me get over it. The walls continued to scream insecurities and insincerities.

Thus to distract myself, I shifted my eyes and it landed on a tall man in the window, just right after a couple finished eating and left it vacant. The atmosphere was pretty awkward after realizing his eyes reached mines. It took seconds until Yuna waved her hand in front, causing me to flinch a bit.

“Hey, are you on the same planet as me? What are you spacing out for?” She continued and exhaled deeply. I blinked my eyes and finally registered the sequence of events after a few minutes. The others started to laugh and commented about how funny I was, which was an act of sarcasm to continue their process of humiliating me in subtle ways.

“Are you desperate to the point that you’re seeing things?” Regine, Emily’s sidekick, boldly opened the discussion even in front of Yuna.

My best friend, of course, was left surprised and scolded her. “Gina!” she whisper-yelled and her eyebrows furrowed as a sign that she was disturbed by it. She started patting my back and I appreciated that she tried to console me somehow; even though it had hurt me more than enough.

“What? Even we’re curious!” They laughed in unison except for Yuna. My partner in crime didn’t know about my discomfort but she got the hint that they were used to talking bad about me. She was exasperated due to the reason that it was hard to believe. After all, I seemed ‘close’ with her group.

It did create a sting in my heart and indeed I thought of it. Was it my hallucination? But all I could focus on was the blonde’s eyes who seemed to know me so well. Yes, it was impossible, even I think I was going crazy. I wasn’t able to identify his face. If a handsome, perfect guy was to come my way, is it logical to comprehend that I’d forget him? Definitely not. I didn’t know what hit me; is it my drive of finding another friend who’ll love me even after being the worst? Was it guilt? I’m not too sure myself but his eyes held meaning. It was like he asked the same question as I did a while ago; have we met?

My gut tells me to follow after him and my curiosity cheered me on. “I’m excusing myself” I didn’t look back and quickly took my sling bag with me and left. My white flowy dress blew up a bit but dropped as soon as I placed my bag on me. I ran and heard Yuna calling me out and it’s conclusive that the remaining felt like they’ve won because my best friend shouted furiously at them. Though I didn’t care as I was fixated with the guy. There’s something about him.

Except he wasn’t in the same place anymore. Scanning the area, I looked at the slim streets in front. “He doesn’t seem to be there as well,” I thought. I heard footsteps coming from my side and warily turned around.

“Young missy?” He was there. Across the street, his silhouette starts to make its way to me. As soon as he saw my face, he brought up his camera and a flash blinded my eye. That strained a bit and so I winced. I blinked both of my eyes slowly to get rid of the slight feeling that makes me want to puke. The flash affected me but all he did was chuckle and so I glared at him. He then noticed I was ready to place him on his grave so he lifted both of his hands as an indication of surrender.

“I thought I was in heaven for a moment” I raised one of my eyebrows and bit my cheek in frustration. Call me childish and overreacting, it could affect my eyesight badly and I’m worried about that. Plus, it stings like hell.

The man could only laugh, in which I thought he was slightly guilty about it until he replied “I wouldn’t blame you after seeing such a figure of mine. I hear that compliment all the time”. I looked up to him in confusion and hoped he got the signal. I expected him to be embarrassed after my expression but he decided to continue. “Better start kneeling and praying!” he sang playfully and lifted one of his fingers to point at each side.

It was lame but I got the gist of it. I stared in pure disgust and rolled my eyes after seeing him tilt his head, suggesting something. Acting as if I could shrug it off, I raised my hand and waved it against the air despite my hidden blush. No one dared to hit me up, so I did sense my legs weakening but balled fists who is tempted to give that smug look an uppercut. “Cut to the chase.”

His eyes seemed to widen but narrowed soon after. He was listening and interested, that if my interpretation was right. He started to cross his arms and nodded as a signal to let me continue what I’m trying to say.

I was enveloped with embarrassment rather than this shameless guy. I gulped and pointed at him to which he responded with a sound that indicates a question. “You know me”, I bravely stated.

We stared at each other for minutes and each second makes me consider running or hoping I would be swallowed by the ground this instant. After the eyeing, he cracked up and held his stomach. “I know you?” Tears were forming in his eyes due to his uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to dissolve at the exact moment he calmed down but he cackled after because it makes my idea appear insane. But I mean, yes, it did sound like I was mental but why did he make it look like he knows me then? Why did he smile as if he wanted to start a conversation?

“Your eyes say so” I shot in another response and thankfully, he decided to settle down. The volume of his laughs was gradually decreasing so I had the opportunity to get over the shame I’ve felt. But this guy was up to no good.

He started to move towards me and I was crept out, stepping back slowly. He looked serious and stern, I was left shocked by his new demeanor. I bit my lip as I try to stand still and act unbothered due to our closeness. Our chests were pressed together and he bent down to my eye level. Nearer and nearer, he reached for my ear. “That’s love at first sight, darling”

And that was my limit. I kneed a stranger in between his thighs, really hard.

He let out a yell and bent down due to the unmanageable pain he felt. I backed down a bit and showed my palms. Great, now I am seen as more than crazy. I claimed that he knew me when I can’t even remember his name and physically hurt him.

“What the hell was that for?!” he exclaimed and by the look of it, I knew he was asking for the reason when he didn’t assault me or made any of my body parts bleed. Instincts wouldn’t be the right reason for that question as well, it seemed to be more of an excuse.

“Well I just thought-”

“For heaven’s sake! I may be a flirt, but I don’t take advantage of people. How daring of you to judge that fast” He scoffed and was certainly offended over the matter considering how he emphasized the word ‘that’. I was out of appropriate words that I could freely share. I wasn’t fond of guys much especially when they go near me. Let’s say it was an impulse.

There may be something more to it, precisely why he had thought that way but I didn’t want to dig deeper about it and act more all-knowing than I already am. I pissed off a stranger’s ego, causing him to leave and walk away.

“Um...Hey!” I desperately tried to catch up to him because maybe, just maybe, did I actually feel a bit bad about it. It’s odd with the high pride that makes me never back down from something even I knew was wrong, to admit and feel guilty. I bit my lip and inhaled deeply as I hoped he would turn around and hear me out. I wanted to shout his name aloud and catch his attention but I recalled I didn’t get to know his name. He called me young miss, so unintentionally, I did the same in a gender that matches his. “M-mister!”

Watching from behind, he places his camera inside his side bag and inserts both of his hands on the pocket after wearing his earphones. Acting like he didn’t hear anyone, he walked away in a chill posture.

My heels were clicking and red marks were all over my ankles. Crouching down as I leaned my weight on hands that were on top of my knees, I tried to catch my breath. I have frequent anger issues so instead of feeling sorry, I felt more annoyed than him. The man in a tux was stubborn and straight out ill-mannered with his impolite, vulgar words which show discourteous actions. I wasn’t judging, he had the personality of doing immoral things based on his dirty jokes. In short, he was angry for being who he actually was.

“Ugh whatever, who cares? It’s not like I’ll see him again” And with that, I rode a cab back to my apartment and decided to leave all my worries aside.

{MONDAY}

Disastrous. I believe that is what’s going to happen after a few more hours. If anyone of you is wondering what happened last night, let me elaborate.

After riding a cab home in the afternoon, it all started with my other internet friend, Lia. She is sweet and looked innocent but is very outgoing at times. We knew each other on discord by secretly stanning this billboard hit group, Stray Kids and so we decided to meet up. I thought it was a bad idea because it felt like things would go wrong especially when my mom told me not to trust anyone on the internet. Turned out, we had so much fun.

Now back to the story, Lia called me out of the blue and it was the last thing I needed after meeting with ‘mister’. I didn’t want to turn her down though, so I answered. I should’ve known that she would put me in a blind date as usual. I almost had forgotten about that after several months of not seeing her. She insisted I go just for the reason of having her boyfriend by herself. That was when I realized it was her partner’s closest friend. If any, I should be scared because if it doesn’t work out well, or maybe once my mood swings struck again, it would affect their relationship.

So here I am on a plain cafè I randomly picked out because he seemed uninterested. It had been 3 hours and observing the place, it doesn’t look like he is present nor on his way. Will he ditch me? maybe? probably? very? hell yes.

The universe is absolutely trying its best to let it seep into my mind that no one would love or find me attractive. Amongst all my 35 dates this year, everyone had my hopes up but leaves me in the dust soon after. It’s not that I expected him to date me because I’m used to getting turned down all the time, I thought he would’ve at least showed up.

4 hours passed by and it’s obvious he won’t be arriving. The moment I stood up to leave, I saw a familiar guy in sight; the man in tux. At least, he isn’t a stranger anymore but I wasn’t eager to see him. In fact, I never wanted him in my way or my vision. I had this bad image when it comes to him and it’s enough to make me cover myself up by turning around. There’s no use though, his eyes were quick to catch mines. I could hear footsteps coming and it’s making me lose myself. My head was in the opposite direction in which he couldn’t see me and I closed my eyes strongly, hoping a miracle would happen.

step. ‘Oh no, what am I going to say when he arrives?’

step. ‘goodness gracious. God pick me up’

step. ‘Isn’t he going to stop?’

step. ‘Damn, I’d rather be spending my whole life with those 3 mean girls than seeing him’

step. ‘send me back to hell, he’s getting close’

step. ‘and closer’

step. ‘I could hear his breath but please don’t say anything

step. ‘Not a word stranger, please’

“Hey?”

“Asshole”

My eyes widened in surprise due to my unintended murmur and I quickly turned around to face him. He put on the same reaction I had. Panicking, I covered up my mouth with my shaky hands. “I am- oh my god.... I’m so sorry” I ran my hands through my face aggressively and exhaled sharply. “i-it just came out” my voice was low enough to be heard as I wallowed myself up in mortification.

I then listened to the sound of the chair squeaking a bit, being dragged for the man to sit down. He sat in front of me and was willing to talk about things. Incredible, how more magnificent could my day be after being turned down and the guy who knew about it thought of me as someone crazy. “I’m hopelessly horrid, aren’t I?” I refused to look until I heard him let out the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard.

“still can’t get over yesterday?” he asked while placing his hand to let his head rest on it. I slowly lifted my head and gave another sigh that made him respond in a chuckle. Tugging my hair and looking at him with apologetic eyes, I do hope he understood I’m sincere about this.

“it’s just- I misunderstood things and offended you.... I am uncomfortable with guys plus something just happened that day that- yea...” I couldn’t sort out everything I wanted to say so I shifted my eyes to the side. Realizing I was close to crying in remorse and chagrin, I sniffed. After all, even though I looked like someone who seemed immature and doesn’t give a crap about everyone else, I was still a sensitive woman who just lost people and doesn’t want to make herself look more rotten and depressing than she already is. I needed friends but now that I have this ‘judgmental’ impression from the man, how can I have more people I could rely on? It’s also not him I’m in deep concern of, but other strangers who thought of me the same way he did. What if I was unintentionally rude to some? Dear me, I’m such a mess.

He must’ve noticed the teeny drops in my eyes that soon overflowed as I lifted my head, demanding the discreet tears to fall back in its cage. But it was to no use; he solved my puzzle way faster than anyone else who tried to have a gist of my life. It was a bittersweet feeling that arose my mind and touched my heart. Finally needing no words spoken, he knew what was lying behind the facade I was trying to pull dreadfully to save the only thing I have with me, my pride. Simultaneously, I loathe the idea of having a stranger identify my agony rather than those I trust which makes me come across conclusions that I was an open book or my friend was just gullible. I neither liked any of the conclusions stated so my mind ran off to hating him.

“Must’ve been hard...” Inhaling torment and breathing out pity, he thought of words that could ease my ache. I didn’t need his comfort charity but if I were somebody else who’d stare at me, the same thought comes up and I despised it. From the bottom of my heart, I meant every word I said. This is why I don’t open up discussions regarding my life, it makes everyone look down on me “Luckily, I’m still here. I’m quite the social butterfly and we fit don’t you think?” a subtle pout showed up in his lips but the right corner rose, making it look like a kittenish smile. I was not surprised though if we talk about this man, he’s always the ‘playful’ type. Taking his words literally, I interrupted.

“Because you’re the open type who have many friends but I was the unfortunate lonely lass? Opposite attract. Yeah right, such great chemistry” Bitterly, I spat those words like poison and rolled my eyes. Crossing my arms and huffed, ‘an indirect jerk’ I thought.

His hands shook in the air and his eyes started to panic to refuse my statement. He did think of it but I do know it was unintentional. Still, it just meant he pitied me a few minutes ago. “N-no! Of course not!” He tried to explain.

Even I can’t decipher my complicated moods but him trying his best to clarify for the whole 20 minutes quite had an effect on me. Chuckling in a low volume in which he instantly noted, I still bothered to hide my smile by placing my palm to cover my lips. His face turned smug and teasing, and I knew what he meant so I rolled my eyes and denied it by shaking my head but now in a humorous intention.

“You laughed” His eyes grew wide, making me resist those dark brown eyes. It made me lost in track for a moment but good for me, he wasn’t quick enough to notice that. It wasn’t a lie after all when he said he received such compliments of him being so heavenly; I was indeed in heaven after having a glimpse of him.

Before I could further analyze anything and start being creepy, I coughed to distract myself and responded to him lazily. “What? Don’t people laugh?”

He raised his hand just enough for the waiter to see and proceed heading to our table. I’ve thought of denying his offer but since he had already called on, it was fine anyway. What’s the worse that could happen?

“one iced americano” he didn’t even take time to read the menu and passed it on to me. Noticing my look in confusion, he asked as if I was judging him again “What?”

“Really?” My tone dropped and sarcastically asked. “just an espresso please. Thank you” quickly scanning over the menu and told the the waiter my order, the man went back and did his job. I faced back to the guy in a tux and my expression changed as fast. “An iced americano after it’s literally freezing outside?” His shoulders rose up and down to shrug but I could only chuckle in his mere response.

“Excuse me? I like Americano! chowa chowa~” We both sang in unison, cringing, though his eyes went larger as mine grew narrow because of the grin plastered on my face.

“Wah! That was scary, how did you know that?” that hit me in an effect different from what I wanted but honestly, the mood was a bit lighter than my experience in the past.

“Someone never failed to tell me that every day” with a sigh, I placed my head at the top my palm and smiled to myself. Oh, how I missed to hear those words again.

“May I know who?” He seemed enthusiastic considering the way he scooted closer comfortably. I knew I couldn’t get away with this kind of curiosity because he didn’t flinch a little when I gave him that oh-how-nosy-of-you look as if he stepped within the boundaries.

“I don’t know. I just know I talked to that someone.”

Confusion filled the loudest silence and I wondered what was wrong with what I said. Pretty sure some people don’t know all the details in their life right? Is it needed to learn this kind of information? He froze with mouth agape and I blinked, hoping he’d get back to his senses. It scared me as I looked back to everything that happened. I felt guilty, what for?

“Are you dumb?” he deadpanned looked at me and thought as if that was the lamest joke he had ever heard. Unfortunately, everything was real. I mirrored his emotions causing him to stutter all over. “I- what? Are you naive or were your memories taken away?!” He gasped so dramatically, not that I expected him not to.

“Idiot, if my memories were taken away, I would’ve known.” I lift my upper lip and stared at him in disbelief.

He cackled in response with his usual endearing laugh. “How would you know then if your memories were taken away?” Mimicking a cry, he can’t still hold his laughter back. Much more after I froze and let out a small ‘oh’ in realization. It gradually faded off and he flicked my forehead. “Idiot” he retorted my smug reply a while ago which made me scrunch my nose whilst leaving a playful pout, screaming the words ‘unfair’. “Cute” he mumbled lowly after seeing my face and it did made me look away for him not to notice the blush. He did though, my ears were beet red so he beamed a smile that I was only able to see in my peripheral vision. I didn’t take a peek of his whole look but I know I couldn’t resist to THAT.

As if the timing was perfect, the waiter came in with our little drinks that he decided to pay. We had quarrel over the payment that went on for almost 5 minutes. The waiter watched awkwardly and ended up receiving his instead of mines. While drinking each of our drinks, he opened up the conversation first.

“It’s unusual for you to” I placed my cup after his abrupt statement and tilted my head, asking him to go on.

“to what?”

“Well you know...” contemplating about his thoughts, he tried to sip on my drink to which I swatted away his hand. I raised my eyebrow in a bubbly manner and told him to quit around playing. “you smiling, it’s rare to see so” he brushed his hand dramatically as if he felt immense pain and replied.

“You don’t even know me?” I chortled at my comeback, twisting his words right back at him. The atmosphere was still friendly but the mood? Suddenly shifted into something serious I surrendered myself in the control I was striving to put up.

“I do know you”

I know it was meant as a joke but I’d like to believe half of it was directly true. Those eyes that pierced right through me once again had some sense of familiarity and belongingness. It’s as if I fled away from reality because everything was turning their backs on me, but he felt like home. It’s as if everything turned monotone but he was my only hope. It’s as if I used to ignore everyone but something makes me cling unto him. It’s as if I knew him but at the same time, I don’t. Was my misery too loud that it reached the heavens and pushed me into insanity? Or was he indeed someone I met? The presence reached through me even when he’s just staring. If I was asked just by the feeling of his existence, I know him, a hundred percent with no doubts. But in general? His physique and he in a tux were something new that made me convince myself he was a total stranger. Still, the thought itself isn’t as easy to shrug as it seemed. I would recklessly gaze into those eyes forever without knowing why.

“There you are again” Clicking my tongue, I began to bounce back to earth. I tapped my fingers to a fast and mischievous rhythm to make it seem I was angry. He laid on his back, pressing on the chair to be in a comfortable position which I found creepily attractive. “Those eyes!” I pointed my fingers at his deep gaze that turned into a startled expression. ‘He thinks I’m a joke’, I thought. It wasn’t enough to get me riled up on my nerves though because if I was in his position, who wouldn’t think I was lowkey a bad flirt?

“So what should I do to stop your gawking? Close my eyes?”

“Much better” Favorably, this man doesn’t seem as bad as I thought he would be. He knows how to take a joke and accepts every word I say, whether it may be surprisingly good or blatantly messed up. Maybe we did just meet at the wrong step of the time.

{TUESDAY}

“So how did the date go?” I groaned just after hearing my thousandth time being dumped, probably.

Lia had the courage to call me and talk about it. I’m sure she was hoping my ’supposed to be date’ at least liked me, which was so opposite, and in no terms do I want to see him again. We were too relaxed with Lia so everything I say, even though I tend to be mean, she knew it was a flaw in my personality that couldn’t be fixed. In fact, she was kind of fascinated with how I looked so innocent and honorable but has a hidden persona of aggressiveness behind the public.

“Bloody hell, may the paradise sue me for what I will do shortly. Some witch needs an update.” I breathily recited my ‘chant’ to which she laughed so loud it could burst my ears and wake up my neighbors. I wasn’t on speaker, what would happen if I did?

“such a virago, bae!” I could just imagine her fanning her hands behind the phone with a teasing smile, mixed with nervousness. I heard her boyfriend’s voice along with Tienne, her partner’s younger sister. She was my favorite one so I decided to force her in turning on the video call.

As soon as she did, the young cute girl’s face lit up on my screen and I almost yell out a squeal. Lia knew damn well I love Tienne which is why she’d let her kid handle it.

“I missed you!” The 7-year-old fake cried which caused me to forget about my bad day and chuckle. She was playing with her usual favorite t-rex and a barbie, saying how barbie made the dinosaurs extinct using her big dream house car that brought pollution. This was so random and I honestly don’t know where she got such ideas. The most disturbing one so far was how she stated that dora was such a pick me and who acted blind because it was quirky. Kids weren’t supposed to know that, right?

“I missed you too, baby Tintin!” She isn’t a baby and in fact hates it when people calls her young, except for me though. I’m her favorite because I’m always with her when her so called parents are trying to have a date. Not that I would complain, I enjoy being with this lass.

The boyfriend arrived with an Oreo in hand as he waved after seeing me.

“Hey, hey shortcake. Long time no see!” He was in his usual long brown coat paired with a white polo, rolled-up sleeves and brown loose pants. Taking off the glasses he wore, he approached Tienne and smiled through the screen.

“Looks like the giant is dressed-up. How big of an effect Lia had on you for you to bother wearing such ‘boyfriend’ material outfit?” I rolled my eyes and he laughed once again, remembering high school days where I used to force him to wear decent clothings that doesn’t make him look like a rebel.

He groaned while smiling, partially tired at the fact that he had repeated the words that’ll come out of his mouth over several months. “Big time. I really love that woman” His eyes showed sincerities despite the joke I just gave. This blue haired guy does seriously love her.

I bitterly smiled and my hands twitched a bit after seeing such view. Of course he was my long time best friend, he knows what I’m feeling. Not missing an opportunity, he looked back at the screen and raised an eyebrow. “Jealous, aren’t we?”

At that very moment, I did want to punch him through the screen. “Well at least tell your friend to show up before rejecting a girl he hasn’t seen yet” The boy seemed so amused in response that tears were coming out due to his uncontrollable laughter.

“I showed him a picture of you before the blind date” and oh, was that my final straw of the day. He didn’t want to miss the expression so despite the hard laughs, he tried to take a peek at my reaction.

I was as red as a tomato, boiling. “Frick you! Rot in hell, you titan!” I slammed the table and hissed a bit due to the pain felt but I pouted to show how stressed I was.

“But you look pretty! Are you always going to believe on those ideas of yours?” The laughs were nothing closer to dying down. At that moment, he seemed as if he was close to bursting. “And you know what he said?” Placing his head atop his hand that was resting on his table, he asked me directly. Of course I knew the answer.

“Oh, she’s kinda not my type.” We sang in unison as if we shared the same braincell. The only difference was the aftertaste. He laughed harder, while my frown gets lower.

“What a great day to ruin my date, boy. Got ‘ya self a lover and decided to ditch me whilst betrayin’ behind my back”. I slightly fell back on my seat comfortably and stared at the ceiling.

His laugh drowned after a few minutes and he spoke with a hint of seriousness “you look pretty smiling, I’ve always told you that shortcake.”

My eyes widened a bit with the sudden confession and looked through the screen, in which I saw no figure anymore. One of my eyebrow raised and my smile grew softer. He still do care about me. After all, I was like his little sister. The thought of it made me feel secured and contented.

Well not until I heard a few kisses through the call. “Oh dear gracious, not in front of a declined girl!”, I responded to which they could just let out a few laughs at my remark. And yes just like siblings, they are so fond of my misfortune.

“What took you so long, though?” I could tell that Lia waited for hours just to ask me a question she pondered on for so long. I knew what she meant but asked once again to ensure we got the same idea.

I hummed in question and saw her figure approaching the camera. “That rejected date of yours. What made you sit for several hours until late at night and arrive smiling?” Her man echoed the last words she had spoken like a broken record. He eyed me curiously and waited for me to speak up. Guess I have no choice when two of those orbs stare at me like hawks that are ever ready to bite when denied. I guess I can’t escape.

I tilted my head and accidentally leaked out my inner thoughts “Weird, I thought our talk only lasted for a few minutes” It was a moment before realization dawned unto me. They were as fast as how wind blows though, they caught unto it.

Lia clicked his tongue and smiled as the giant all-knowingly prolonged his words to make it seem like he got the idea.

“It’s not what y’all think” I rolled my eyes and cleared the obvious suspicion their aura is channeling over to my house that is several miles away.

“We didn’t say anything though”, Lia’s boy narrowed his eyes and looked at the mentioned girl who quickly agreed on his statement. “Unless, you thought of something”, he continued and emphasized the last word. A tiny glint of his eyes contrasted with his omniscient smirk that glowed on my screen.

I stared for a few seconds trying to find an excuse, but I was caught on the act. “Oh come on! Everybody thinks” I turned my back around and yielded in the tight battle.

“There ye go again, beatin’ ‘round the bush lady!” He sang as he and Lia both left the frame, leaving me and little Tienne alone.

I shook my head in disapproval however my thoughts were fixated unto Lia’s comment. ‘I smiled while arriving’, my heart beat rose quickly for a second and blamed it on my anemia. But then again, if I may have had quite the fun yesterday, maybe mister wasn’t so bad after all.

Forgetting I was still on the line, baby Tienne responded, “Are you in love?”

Instead of denying the question quickly, I decided to ask her as to stir my interest. “And what made you think that way?” My voice slightly raised its pitch as I was talking and trying my best to make a 7 year old kid understand how love even works; despite me not knowing anything about that at all.

“That look, my brother looks at Lia that way. Your smile” she grinned sheepishly, looking more adorable than she already is. I was distracted by her gleaming eyes until I processed what she had just said.

Grabbing a mirror, the papers on my desk flew and some fell down but all I could see was my replica staring like a red ball, making me look like someone who blew a balloon really hard. “Oh gosh, I look like exploding” my arm covered the prominent red blush that spread all over my face.

Tienne giggled and remarked: “you’re weird”

{WEDNESDAY}

I hated snows, much especially on first snows. Ask me for the reasons? Not a good idea. I could only reply with a ‘maybe I was rejected after a couple of supposedly romantic confessions during snow’ or a ‘maybe because I was still currently refused by a guy the moment the first snowflakes fell.’ I stared at the empty park and sighed much more heavily compared to the past.

I opened my note and jotted down a single word: snow. The lingering feeling of coldness touching my skin as I try my best to stay warm reminds me of my past days, trying to desperately breathe in a situation I can’t change. The heavy feeling that grows as light as how its flakes fall. Elegantly in slow motion, if I must describe. Yet it’s temperature is affecting me in a way it doesn’t intend to. Generally, me and snows are simply incompatible. Maybe fate doesn’t follow.

I stepped back and felt my foot sink deeper into the pile of white cotton. It sucked my leg mesmerizingly but I got back on track as soon as I heard a sound behind me. I placed my guard up and spun around cautiously just to see a playful smile in front of my eyes. I flinched once in surprise, gasped in shocked, and blinked in disbelief.

“Again?!” My brain was unable to process the flow of events as my fingers pointed to the same mister that was in my head for the past few days.

“Ah, fate’s dirty works” his shoulders rose as he chuckled and stared at the enchanting view that sat in front of us. Grabbing his camera, he clicked on the button and took a look at his shot. Tilting it sideways, I could only hold on my scarf to avoid slipping into his eyes and focus on the thing he had shown me. After a little peek of a masterpiece, I smiled before replying.

“Again with you and your photographs.”

“I love my shots, this way I could never forget about how such beauty gleams on moonlight or even the sunshine rays. I’m a bit picky, so I believe everything that is stored here is a work of art” He thought deeply and held his camera tighter with deep passion, as if embracing it to heart.

“So each shot you take also depends on your preference?” He handed me the camera and for the first time in the day, we made eye contact. I quickly diverted my gaze on the pictures and swipe through them as he explained.

“I only remember those I love,” past I scrolled on a girl looking more likely to be in her mid 30s. Same smile he wore and same eyes they glowed, I could presumably say it’s her sister with no doubt. “Those I admire,” the next that came in the talk was a bunch of his idols. Some I knew, some I don’t. “And those I’m most interested in” ‘Hobbies’, my inner tone speaking out appeared excited than expected.

And yet, I was met with a picture of a girl on a white loose dress under the shimmering night sky. Her expression wincing - could also be taken as squinting - I wasn’t too sure what prompted her to have so. May it be the sudden fright she must have had felt, the new feeling rushing down her veins, or simply the strong light of the camera that could’ve blinded her eyes. She was a reflection of me, simply me, during the day we first met. Under the streetlight, the moment he and I closed our distance and stared at the other. The only moment I was able to get sidetracked away from my depressive and monotone months. Maybe there was light, not from the camera nor the streetlight, but from him.

My head unconsciously tilted upwards as to clear what he was trying to say.

“Y/n, I want to know more about you.”

Those few minutes staring unto his eyes, were sucking me like hours. Absorbed and indulged, this scene was deeply imprinted on my mind when I don’t want it to. ‘You can’t be interested in people you had just met, much especially when you know it’s more than curiosity’, this rained on Korea within my mind’s void. Though repeated like a desperate prayer, my mind forgets to remind me that he was bad idea. One word of his, I pause. One step of his, my world stops. One look of his, it continues spinning once again, but now with the thought of progressing the years along with him. Just like how my mind swiftly swings, I feel the sense of slow motion every time he comes but fast forwarded whenever I think about myself, both of us. Fast forward, wherein I’d be holding his hand. Fast forward in time wherein he’d caress me with affection along with those deep brown eyes.

Fidgeting my fingers, I loosened one arm and placed it on my side near him. His eyes trailed unto my now lowered head that still continued staring on the pictures. I gulped and hesitated as I slowly gave him back the camera while avoiding eye contact. “I hate snow”, a mumble was all I could utter. Hoping I was hidden on the red scarf, my mind was lost in thoughts once again.

Winter, I always feel something around this time of the year. For no reason, a forlorn’s heart is wretched deep in the grave. In ordinarily suffocating, a burdened body carrying her soul. Inexplicably hopeless, determined - if I must sugarcoat the word - to the point that I am so good at making things out of nothing.

Instead of bewilderment passing through his eyes, he looked up and agreed. “Yeah”, breathily he spoke. He knew what was going on my mind once again. Was I enchanted in seeing him or was I enchanted just because he was like a reflection I didn’t need to open up to for him to understand?

Nonetheless, I could feel him softly smiling beside me as he took notice of my hand creeping up on his jacket, holding unto it discreetly. He knew I still wanted him to stay, despite the contrasting effect I placed on my words and the actions of pushing him away.

A few minutes then, he stood and I opened my eyes to face him. Slight surprise was evident in my face, much more after he held out his hand. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?” I stuttered along my words. With the same smile, he declared his statement like a promise;

“Let’s go make snowy days your favorite time of the year.”

“Hey,” he spoke casually but prolonged his words just enough to make me wonder why he had that tone as he spoke. Looking almost immediately, he replied and looked into my eyes with a contemplating face, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

My eyes slightly widened and he smiled as he noticed the surprised look on my face. After all, I thought my insanity was way too one sided. “So you felt it”, My lips turned downward as my eyebrows went upward, showing an expression of shrugging the thought away, despite internally taking it to heart.

He slowed down the car on a red light and adjusted himself on his seat. “Well, not exactly.” He spoke in a sing-song tone before continuing as to not leave me hanging on his thoughts. “Mine was love at first sight, yours is the idea of soulmates”

I cracked a laugh absentmindedly as he tried to remember which part of his statement deserved a slight mockery. “I did feel like I know you, but never did the thought of being connected to one another, or at least whatever anyone calls that, came into my mind” I looked away from his deep eyes staring into me and signaled him to start the car as the streetlight showed the color green. A part of me was also hoping it would act as a diversion to stop the unnecessary talk.

Being the bubble gum he was, he was a traditional man who took ‘get to know a woman first’ way too literally, maybe even too much. “So you don’t believe in that concept?” He thought to himself, but curiosity made him want a response from me. I could object to his actions quickly, but his assumptions were right.

“Correction mister, it does not exist.”, I confidently spoke

“And what in the world made you dreadfully oppose to this view?”, he retorted

Another assumption, but he was right and I couldn’t bring myself to talk back again. I pointed my finger at the switches and complicated buttons I’ve seen on his side, to express that I wanted to lower the window. He simply pressed on the mentioned, particularly to my liking. Weird, I thought he’d only lower it a little.

I leaned my head outside and closed my eyes to take a moment before finally responding after a sigh. “People come and go. None are perfectly suited for each other, if that’s how its definition goes.”

He tilted his head, not in agreement but also not against my thoughts. Therefore, I took it as a moment to continue my explanation. “A soulmate is simply a word people perceive just for reassurance. If one’s single, then his or her so called soulmate will appear soon in the perfect time. That’s what they all say, but it simply is thought just to avoid the fear of being alone, disappointment and other negative aspects that they think could possibly affect their quality of life. But if they’re taken then broke up, just like how typical couples are fated to die down, they’d also call the same plea for self-encouragement that a perfect man would miraculously appear in their life like some hero in a romance drama.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disapproval as I continued speaking in disgust, “it’s sick.”

I could feel him staring straight at me so I did as well to see what he could reply after my utterance. His expression agape, leaving him speechless when I knew he initially had a speech prepared. The sudden silence made me tense up quicker than I thought, so I cleared my throat to bring him back to earth. “What?” I cursed myself mentally for breaking the eye contact first, but thank the heavens it saved my life. “Mister!”

My voice successfully knocked some sense out of him as his eyes trailed to where my eyes were directed at. His expression turned into something beyond panic and surprise, as he quickly pulled the brakes at a red light.

Our bodies bounced back like fishes off sea and I could feel my heartbeat racing faster than when I had first met him. This is when I knew it was a really strong feeling. “Are you planning to kill me?!” I exasperatedly threw my hands in the air.

He could only chuckle after a moment of calming the adrenaline rush we’ve felt and finally eased up before explaining himself, which was very unnecessary given the situation we’re in.

“Gosh, you are breathtaking” he bit his tongue as he grinned playfully. He’s really joking at a time like this? Now, I was the one who had my jaw dropped, not because of confusion but due to incredulity. Blinking twice to see if he wanted to retract his words, it was of no use. “It made me almost ran the red.”

“No, but really, that rap performance you gave a while ago seemed too personal.”, he thought and rapidly changed the topic.

“If personal, why pry?” I spoke in a deadpan tone because even if my heart rate had calmed down, my brain wasn’t able to process what had happened if I had not looked down the road. “Besides, there is no such thing as soulmates. It’s just a bunch of coincidences to keep the hopes of people up. They are blatantly yet stupidly and unknowingly lying to themselves.”

“Well, I beg to disagree, young missy.” His arms leaned unto the wheel and he slightly intertwined his fingers to properly refute my baseless explanations. “Soulmates are real, just like you and I.” His ego rose as I groaned in annoyance. I actually adjusted myself to hear his opinion, just to take a false assumption from him. He chuckled and nudged me as a sign that he’ll finally be proper for once. Well, thankfully he did.

“All jokes aside, there are people that are meant to be for each other. No matter how life brings them down, fate would still tie them together with no escape.”

“See how the world toys with people?”, I bitterly questioned.

“Yes, but I find that very interesting when it comes to the idea of soulmates. The way it makes people feel like the person they’d end up with is the only right one after all the wrongs they’ve seen before. That’s what makes it special. There’s no “toying” present; it’s simply fate.”, he spoke lightly as if whispering while showing his eye-smile.

“That’s too dramatic and vague by the way”, I casually critiqued

“Vague.” He looked up for a while after echoing my words and thought, “maybe it’s because second chances are part of my beliefs. With no factual explanations based on science, It seemed like it’s one with me.”

“Directly, you’re trying to say you just believe in it. That’s it.” I tried to help him get out with this ‘beating around the bush’ behavior I dislike.

“Maybe or maybe not.”, I rolled my eyes again in response. “The world is more than what we see. And in this world, we may have not known that there are people destined to be with others and encountered them in their past lives. Maybe some kind of resurrection built by deep affection, if I must say. A second chance brought by fate, a second chance that was persuaded to arrive because of how intense the relationship or bond is. I believe in those. With equal yearning felt by each other, nothing is impossible, y’know?”

He looked very lost in his words and I didn’t know when to interrupt. As if by ‘fate’, he finally paused for a moment to look at me. Except, I didn’t know what to respond to his sayings. Both of our ideas aren’t even scientifically proven or factual, they are just metaphorical statements that aren’t needed to be spoken because none of these could change anything at all. People couldn’t see and hear, nor would the heavens comply with our contrasting requests. Yet, the desperate aggression we know we’ve felt despite our calming and frisky voices, was quite personal. Why were we so eager to insist our perspectives? His eye smile almost made me forget how quickly he’d react whenever I spoke my side and how his eyebrows would furrow in seemingly disappointment because I don’t get his.

Confrontation wasn’t my side though, so I played along with his ‘dodging’ game. “The concepts of soulmates doesn’t only revolve in second chances though, that example was oddly specific”, I chuckled to not appear crystal clear.

Instead of a quick response or interruption like he’d usually do, he instead paused again before letting out a hesitant titter. My eyes scanned through his face and saw him gulped, which unconsciously made me feel awkward as well because of how uncomfortable he seemed in a second. “I mean- A situation, I guess. Just to expand and make it a whole lot clearer. Yeah.” The volume of his voice gradually decreased as I echoed his last word. Now, it was my time to clear my throat.

Acting as if I was admiring the scenery during the car ride, he halted after a few minutes. We ended up on a little street and I was caught off guard when he opened my side of the car door. It must’ve meant we already had reached our destination. Why is he taking me here? Still, there’s something that always keeps me hanging unto him. Maybe he wasn’t the only one stricken by curiosity.

He beckoned me to enter and I trailed behind his back. There, we entered a peaceful and little home with red dreamcatchers on the right side of the interior wall. What caught my eye though was the piled books in the shelves with a man’s name on it, in which I assumed belonged to his. I never knew he was the type to easily get immersed with books; talk about a perfect guy. Unfortunate was I to say that even if he had courted me, we were characters predestined on an asymmetrical time flow.

As soon as I entered the house, I could still feel the cold air from outside. It was as if it had been long since someone visited here because the air warmers seemed broken. Don’t get me wrong though, the surroundings was clean - way too clean for my liking, way too clean to be true. This flawless orderliness would only be possible if one had come here to sweep every minute as there is an absence of even a speck of dust. But then again, it was cold.

I approached the stair rail beside me and hung my red scarf before proceeding to the living room. “Coffee or tea?” The mister asked while facing towards the kitchen.

“Do you have juice?” Both of my eyebrows rose and my mind hesitated whether that was an appropriate thing to ask. Hoping it did not make me look demanding, I waited for his reply.

“Sure”, he timidly spoke and gave me a smile once again. However, I noticed his shilly-shally to leave me out of his sight.

“I’m fine”, I chuckled as he also replied with one. I was mistaken though, as he still seemed to ask me something on his mind but decided to bite his tongue for it may look weird. Delaying his steps, his words trailed slowly as the volume gradually decreased. “Where..?”

“Maybe in the upper cabinet beside the refrigerator”, I tittered at the thought of him not knowing where the powdered juice in his home is.

A hint of surprise following mines gave me reassurance that I was right. I decided to scroll my eyes along the album that was almost unnoticeably placed under the table with only a page hanging off in the corner of my sight. It was normally something others would undoubtedly ignore but everything about him struck my curiosity; even if it’s merely something related to him. Without hesitation, I took a closer look at it and unintentionally had it up in my lap as I scanned the pictures.

There, a little kid around 4 or 6 years old is sitting in a twin-sized bed along with a beautiful lady who had her arm wrapped around his son’s shoulder. The ring on my hand touched the picture’s texture as I brought out the photo from the memory book to determine the uncanny sight. In one look, it resembled a family in the mid 1990s that would make one sense jealousy in themselves because this published a dream almost none could reach. Happy and rich, full of excitement. However, blink and take a second look, one could notice the indifference present in the face of the little boy. The charisma the mother exhibited overpowered the kid to paint a happy picture that would please everyone’s eyes. But the latter’s smile was way crooked, showing uneven proportions that should’ve been aligned with his eye. The brown orbs that looked ever beautiful was isolated from the look he wanted others to perceive. It was metaphorically flat and literally dull. Though if the smile was only looked solely, it seemed as if he was in a manic state.

My head started to lean near the picture slowly to view the sight that gradually became horrid. The traumatizing scene could easily influence such an apparently unfaltering mood. If invisible blood from the ones you were forced to kill spilled out from those guilty, innocent, and pitiful eyes, appeared as a picture; no doubt it would be this.

“That’s me when I was 6, year 2006 along with mom”, Mister came back with two containers in hand, one’s a teacup, the other’s a tall cup. Hesitation was evident in his last word but I flinched almost too obviously that I knew I was guilty yet persuaded myself that invading a family treasure would be fine without asking for a proper permission because I’m scared of receiving a single ‘no’. I sighed mentally at my idea of being nosy when it comes to other people’s business. Might be a red flag, but what can I do when my life’s too boring for me to get invested at?

However, I couldn’t quite decipher what truly disturbed me in hearing his response; whether it was his thoughts of me suddenly opening a personal object, this guy was the same kid who used to have an awful smile and had glasses on his twin-sized bed, him looking quite uncomfortable talking about his mother, the fact that the pictures were old yet they only had bought a shiny new album recently, the set up was very much around the nineties yet he was born in 2000, or the idea that I had so many ideas when it comes to him because I unusually, and very much weirdly, am so concerned about his life and perceptions about him. Nope, definitely (hopefully) not the last one.

My eyes awkwardly blinked twice and I could feel my cheeks heating up with a slight tint of pink. Clearing my throat before anything could get worse, I chose to give a remark regarding the second to the last question. “Vintage. Your family’s on the traditional side?”

“You could say that”, he spoke while slowly dragging himself near me with a sharp breath. I unconsciously stiffened up for a moment, glad he didn’t noticed it this time. His finger moved through the album and pointed at the little kid with glasses. Following a chuckle, he added “biggest plot twist in my life”

I looked away at the book for a moment to think before I responded with a dramatic gasp, “I feel like I’m looking at two different people”

His eyes met with mine and he laughed so heavenly while clapping his hands. It slowly died down and he shrugged along my disbelief. “I can’t believe that’s me either. Maybe it’s the ‘mom’s effect”

“Mom’s effect?”

He hummed and replied, “the trauma maker”

I bitterly giggled as I could relate to him this time. “Then it’s the dad effect for me” Looking towards him to show I’m ready to listen, I nudged him slightly. “You start, I finish”

“Ah, but the finishing touch is the highlight!”

“Then I appreciate getting the spotlight, mister” I slyly stated while narrowing my eyes, to which he responded with eyes rolled.

“Hwang Hyunjin”

“Ohh,” I teasingly reacted while showing my empty ring finger “You haven’t told me your story yet and now we’re on a name basis?”

“Yes, a name basis. Not on a first name basis” he slowly pronounced each word to highlight the bitter truth, along while pointing his finger straight at me. He then held my hand and it caused my eyes to slowly land on them just to see him place it back on my side. I couldn’t utter a word or maybe I simply chose to refuse. My jaw was left dropped as he shook his head with playful disappointment before turning his back at me. Talk about having a full army attack you, unarmored.

“You?!” My British accent showed up on the worst timing possible. Though I could say it added a more comedic touch in my skit. I guess living in London for a few years just to avoid a father’s tantrum isn’t so bad after all. “You, of all people, chose to ignore me? Nobody could resist this beauty, I daresay” I stopped after a few tracks after his sudden turn. His face were a few inches away and I was startled for quite a bit. Still, it doesn’t mean that the zoom in wasn’t humorous. He’s still a fine man though, he didn’t waste much of his cool points.

“Unfortunately darling, I was called a nobody in my family. Does that count?” He questioned to add a risible scene in my play. Oh, he is a whimsical man for sure. It bewilders my mind pretty bit to think that there are people out there that isn’t entertained by him. Either it’s my broken sense of humor or theirs, he’s got something that makes a person very intrigued.

He turned his back once again so I grabbed his hand and now it was I who made him surprised. “You still can’t get away with this.” My smile glimmered but my eyes remained determined “tell me your story,” I whispered.

His smile dropped for a moment but he sat first on the sofa. Patting it twice, I followed him soon after. “I wasn’t this type of person initially”, he spoke to break the silence.

“On the picture or the one I’m facing right now?” My body slightly leaned right to look towards him as I laced both of my hands and placing them atop my lap.

“Which do you prefer?” The tone was so like — well, him but the question may appear serious if taken on a different note. Who’s to say I can’t like both?

“Can I assume you meant you weren’t the type to open up to people?” A smirk was plastered on my face but it can’t stop there. I gave him a teeny wink, which I knew he’d notice immediately given he’s attracted to details. I hope ‘attracted’ was the accurate word, not obsessed. It makes me shudder to think he was made the latter, if ever, because of his own family.

“Unbelievable, miss. Just-“ he chuckled before continuing “You’re unbelievable” It can be taken in only two perspectives. The first one would be a rude tone and the second could be taken as a compliment. Not only does he have a great sense of humor, but he was mysterious as well. No matter what kind of emotions he’d express, I don’t think anyone ever had the chance to pass through his walls of mind.

“What can I say? According to my father, I am a simpleton. And I agree. I look at things very simple and even when it comes to people! Everyone either likes me or hates me, no in between. And as for our case,” I pointed at him and myself before rapidly switching sides of my finger to show the unity and placed it back on my lap. “I think we’re far enough from hatred”, I simpered.

“You need to stop making yourself special” he sipped from his cup after lifting it up for cheers.

“I am special” I responded to his greetings.

“I dreadfully wish I could deny that” He clicked his tongue after his reply. He muttered the words to himself, I assume, because of its volume. Yet I also do believe it was meant to reach me given the silence afterwards as if he was waiting for me.

“What’s stopping you?” I gave out a short chuckle, somewhat similar to his which made me slightly alarmed. Truly, I am not fond of him, am I?

“The fact that you are”

A swish of the wind passed by as I stopped for a moment, “Oh, a smooth talker you are. I despise you.”

“Well then, here ya go.” He waved his hands towards me, hinting that he got through me for a split second. “You got a past!” He gasped dramatically.

“If you think you can get away from you explaining your past, then you’re wrong. Quit the delay, mister”

“Pressuring me just after you know my name? How fierce. I like that in a girl.” I simply rolled my eyes and let out a groan before he showed a teeny smile and continued.

The car ride took another few 30 minutes going home but I felt like we’ve been going on a loop for several hours. The ride home was eerily silent, a clear contrast compared to the way to his place. And it’s not sadness I’m feeling right now, but pity and confusion. He discussed his past using his mother’s perspective and words, which made him insecure and stopped me from asking how he felt. His mother was in control of him after all; his eyes, his mouth, and his skin acted as if they were reflections of his mother’s view of an epitome of an obedient son.

He warned me that I’d view him differently if I heard his story, that I’d be disgusted and disappointed of how he had the right to live and laugh after he used to be at an awful state with his mother, thinking he never deserved to do so.

I got off the car after the slight hesitation and bit my lip before I bid goodbye. I felt a slight tinge of pain because I thought his eyes would peer through mine, trying to tone it with an ‘I told you so.’ Except, I never got to meet his eyes at the end of the day, leaving me frozen still as he left without uttering a word.

I sighed and went straight to bed soon after while rethinking everything that had just happened. I never felt disgusted, not one thought of leaving him had run across my mind. In fact, maybe a part of me wanted him to love his self and see the beauty I’m seeing as I wish to view those eyes for eternity. It was until the moment that I have concluded the night; Uh oh, I’m falling in love with Hwang Hyunjin.

{THURSDAY)

I woke up in a messy state. I could hear faint ringing coming from my ears as my head start to hurt a bit. I didn’t know where this slight pain came from but I presumed the reason was because I couldn’t sleep well yesterday. There were mainly two reasons and a suspect. For one, I couldn’t sleep as I thought I had concluded yesterday that I love a guy I recently met. Second, I couldn’t sleep because I debated that these feelings weren’t real and I was simply getting distracted from the darkness that swooped me days ago. I am a smart woman and I know for sure the most stupid thing a person can do is romantically trusting a guy. But all these reasons only have one suspect, and out of all, it had to be Hwang Hyunjin. And oh, how it torments my mind upon realizing I can’t place the words ‘just’ and him on the same sentence. I can’t belittle him at all; he has that face, humor, smile, words, and understanding for me that can’t put me at ease. He makes me so giddy but I feel comfortable in his presence. Really, what is he and what is it he’s making me feel?

As an instinct, I went out and reached for my phone before I was stopped at a sudden thought that he still was a stranger to me. I mentally cursed upon remembering I don’t even have his number yet. All I have is a name and his past that gives me no leads about his whereabouts. ‘Too much for true love, my ass.’ I sighed, rolled my eyes, and shook the negative feeling away. It was nothing, I was sad and heartbroken. It could be thought of as a one-night-stand without all the sexual contact. It’s temporary, just how love should be. Non-draining, non-distracting, and unattached. It’s a way to actually protect one’s heart than laying it out in full vulnerability.

I stood on my feet and took a shower. Just like an innocent party night out, I hoped to clear my mind alone in a cafè as I have not too many friends to go together with.

If I were to earn a dollar for every sigh that escapes my lips, I’d become a millionaire overnight. I gave myself a mental facepalm as I stood in front of the same cafe I once met Hyunjin. It was not to clear my mind but rather to fill my mind with him again. I was teeny hoping he’d be here, assuming it’s his usual spot. But my trail of thought and clear flowery daydreaming was interrupted as I’ve seen frightened eyes shot at me. The staffs inside stared at me in terror and some of the customers oddly peered as if asking for proper verification from the others that they’ve seen right. With gaping mouths and frozen eyes, one of them brazenly marched forward to me. It was an eerie sight that I couldn’t bear to overcome, even when I had the feeling I was overthinking the situations again. I could feel myself shaking that I had to quickly turn around.

Much to my thanks, someone grabbed ahold of me and took me to a quiet alley with not much of people but had breathtaking scenes. I was about to scream until I saw a familiar face holding his finger up as an act to shush me up. My hands were still practically shaking at the sudden anxiety that stroked me in day and my thoughts raced back and forth until my mind couldn’t keep up with it anymore. The edges of my eyes used to appear soft like the ground’s surface softening in rain until the tears were now brimming my eyes. Gladly, it can be seen as some sort of a splash; strong and speedy. But again, Hyunjin was able to notice such and tried to calm me down. He was almost embracing me with his palms resting atop the knuckles of my closed hands. He didn’t say a word except slow hush sounds as his thumb ran circles that eased my shakiness. I wasn’t even completely enveloped in his arms but it felt so warm because the soft tone of his humming reached through me that it almost felt like he whispered sweet nothings. My eyes were closed shut so I couldn’t see, could barely hear, and yet his presence, merely his presence, was enough to calm me down.

“Hyunjin…” I weakly spoke out and he reassuringly replied,

“I’m here.”

It took me a several minutes before I was able to calm down and when I did, I was aware of his presence. My breath hitched and I started to fix my dress; a hint of awkwardness present within the air.

“So… Were you just about to enter the cafè?” I cleared my throat and asked. It seemed like a casual question but I looked up to him in little hopes before giving a follow-up in a low volume almost he couldn’t hear. “Or did you have other plans?”

Hyunjin was an attentive guy, and I thought he was much more thoughtful on the details that involved me. But he shrugged off the last part because it seemed out of the place without context. “Yes, it’s my go-to place,” he tried to lighten up the mood when he showed his prince-like smile everyone would swoon over.

My cheeks were heated up with his response. Of course! After all, I did want to enter this cafè because I thought I’d see him. It’s totally understandable it would be left one-sided. I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I thought he was interested in seeing me too. What was wrong with me?

In panic, I hurriedly spoke and gradually stepped back until I wanted him out of my sight “Right, right! I’m so so sorry I interrupted your day. I wanted to enter the cafè too, I mean just because the food taste good and I love the ambience. It’s such a nice place, isn’t it? Totally, I mean, that is solely why you wanted to go here in the first place.. right? Of course, glad our tastes match! I’m really sorry, now you could go on and continue your day because I will now take my leave-“

“And I also wanted to see you”

Oh.

He added and held my wrist with a slightly shocked expression as well that I had to leave immediately. The stiffness of my body then started to soften up as well before I breathed out another sigh and feebly agreed, “I did too.” A few seconds is what it takes to look into each other’s eyes and realize that we’re thinking the same thing. However, he caught me off-guard today. “Come with me, y/n.” Honestly, I hesitated. Does it feel right to entrust myself in the arms of this guy? Does he feel right? Rationality would reject his offer, but my eyes landed on his. It’s those eyes again. It’s what reminds me of how much great of a guy he’s been and how I could imagine myself in his company. Now the question shifts and all I could ask is “How could I say no to that?”

{FRIDAY}

Yesterday was great, too great for my liking. It made me forget how it went very well, made me ignore the fact that the universe punishes beings at the end of the day. I remembered eating strawberry ice creams, a spoon for two. We went watching sunsets in the dock after experiencing a short cruise at night. The last thing I could recall was plopping flat on the sheets as I stared at his wide smile that I realized made his eyes tiny. Such a warming eye-smile. That upwards curve shaped by his pink-tinted lips was the first feature in the moment wherein I looked at anything first before his brown eyes. That’s when I knew he was more than just first impressions. There were greater adventures with him than subtly looking in those eyes. And just as I was about to decide to know him better, he left with no word. I woke up, all alone.

The ringing of the phone brought me back to my senses. I answered the call and I heard Lia on the end of the phone, “I honestly don’t know other ways to tell you the truth y/n, he’s not answering, he will never answer because whoever this is you’re telling me to call, the number is not available. It’s gone, y/n. It’s gone.” My hands tapped furiously at the phone for a short while before I hastily replied and dropped the phone call “It’s not right. Something’s wrong, y-you’re calling the wrong phone number and I know I can’t reach him too on my cell but we were just sleeping together last night.”

Another ring came up but I decided to ignore it. I quickly showered that I did not even remembered if I washed my hair. All I know was that I changed into the clothes I found first on the cabinet and made sure to bring my phone. I strolled through the same streets and places we went while finally calling back Lia. 13 missed calls. My hands gripped tighter on the phone and prayed it was good news.

“Sleeping together? What just- how did-?” I interrupted her and spoke, “We were so tired after grabbing strawberry ice creams, strolling on the docks, going on a short cruise, that we went to sleep and I could barely remember anything afterwards.” I raised my voice in panic, almost-sounding like I panted. I sighed. And it was silence after silence to recollect my thoughts. In a low volume, I asked “You don’t think something bad happened to him, right?” Lia clicked her tongue in frustration and groaned, “And you are worried about that?! Hell y/n, for all we know, this guy could have left you! He played you, y/n. Why are we being so naive?”

“He did not, Lia” I emphasized, “You don’t even know this guy”

“And you don’t too! You met him a few days and now you’re head over heels for him. I am not terrified of what’s happening to him, I am scared of you. What is all this about? Aside from the fear of you getting hurt, you are acting almost obsessive with a man you barely met. Get your senses back, this is not you”

“What do you know?” I mumbled and it was enough to make Lia stop rambling. There was more to it than just a question, and she knows.

Her boyfriend sighed and asked a question that somehow ignited a larger fire than before, contrary to his intentions. “We don’t even have cruises that last as short as one night. Hell, is there even one that runs faster than less than a day?”

It was silent again. I could hear Lia pause but it had a different vibe today. I knew, she thought, and he did too. But none of them were right, I met him. I know I did. “This is ridiculous” I scoff, “Are you saying I’m lying?”

“No, we could never! We trust you.. but with everything going on in your life, you know.. You might have not took it well” Lia’s boyfriend carefully chose his words.

However, I insisted. “Or implying I’m hallucinating” And again, it was silent. I shook my head and continued “I don’t know what to say. This is crazy, I can’t. This is just-“ “and this, all of what’s happening, is crazy!” Lia spoke before she was shushed out by her boyfriend again but I dropped the call.

Why do they always think ahead of me? Back when I independently chose my course, they’d hesitate. When I say I finally found something good for me, they’d doubt. When I feel hurt over comments of other people, they’d laugh. And now they think I’m insane. Well, they might be right; I feel insane because I don’t know what to believe anymore. This guy, one who truly understood me, is nowhere to be found and he could be playing me like what Lia mentioned. I am scared, not because of what could have happened to him but what would happen to me. I am selfish. I feel alone. I’m standing alone. It’s scary.

I ran back to his place and rang the bell. I could feel sweat trickling down my hands and I feel cold. He would be here, wouldn’t he? Almost a minute later, the door opened. And it was to my delight until I saw an unfamiliar face. The girl looked a few years older than him that it made me sigh. I never knew he was into women older than him. Guess I didn’t know him after all.

She smiled sheepishly along with her pretty features. “Hi, I’m Sana. Sorry I don’t know how these introduction things work. But I just moved here, I doubt a neighbor would immediately want to say hello. Would you?” She extended her arm. I misunderstood her and never was I happy in my life that I was wrong.

“Oh no, I’m finding a guy in this area. He was in this place.” “Ah! I do remember this was used by a man.” Her voice echoed throughout the hall as she seemed to grab something by the end of the table “The landlady insisted this might belong to its owner. I don’t really mind, but seeing you’re finding him, you might be a good choice.”

The door closed and I held the old phone she handed over. There was still dust on the edges of the screen that I assumed it was used a really long time ago. I unlocked the phone but it had no lock at all. Was this intentionally left behind for me? Curiosity wrapped me up as soon a recording was shown on the screen. I couldn’t wait to hear it so as soon as I rode the bus, I took out my earphones and tapped on the play button.

It was odd. He talked almost as if he was telling a children’s story because according to him, it went by like a fantasy. In a first person point of view, he started the tale with a man and a woman, in their teen years. The man was an aspiring dancer, filled with his passion for music. But there were obstacles — pressure, doubts, and insecurities. That’s how he ended up on the dock overlooking the shore and sunsets, the same place wherein he was saved from his thoughts of disappearing into thin air by a woman. He was an observant guy and knew from one glance that she was considered average. She wore outfits that looked like they were taken hurriedly for the sake of sale day and a stylish bag, so out of the whole aesthetic that it seemed like it was only given to her as a gift. But it was different at this moment. After one long pause and a closer stare, she looked the prettiest in his eyes. One thing that ironically brightened his day was indulging in her downward eyes which emitted great concern. He could only, after everything, smile. The girl visited him continuously but only at sunsets due to both of their busy schedules. It so happened that she stood in the dock also because she needed a breather, unknowingly saving a life as well. The girl approached him and days turned into a whole week of them getting to have fun together. They were each other’s rest and they lived every minute of being together. They knew nothing of their relationship, whether it was intimate or platonic, but they enjoyed the days. However, the days were numbered. The girl saw him no more.

“Maybe I needed you too. I just needed seven more hours to speak with you.” The words from the audio strayed further away from the storyline, leaving me confused. “The day you weren’t able to come back because you were busy, I stood still like the waves coming back to the shore. It’s this ache I feel after I had realized that I can’t escape; I will always go back to the same place. You touched my life, and I am not selfish enough to tell you that you haven’t changed it quite yet because you had done more than I could ever do. You kept trying and trying. I was losing hope, I’m sorry. By the time you have received this message, I’m probably not with you today, though I at least hope it wouldn’t take years for this to reach you.” I could hear his bittersweet chuckle at the end, “I just wanted to express how grateful I am to spend my remaining time with you. I wish to live at least just seven days with you to make up for my absence, is it a difficult request?”

No, this is not just a fictional story anymore. My thoughts were interrupted by the ring of my phone and I subconsciously answered it and placed it on my ear as if by instinct, completely spacing out. “Hey.” Hwang Hyunjin. That voice, the same one that showed me both this heart-wrenching delusions and reality. I could feel him through the phone. I could imagine his eyes, and for the first time in 5 days of meeting him, I could vividly remember his nose, lips, and the little mole under his left eye. “I didn't expect the recording to reach you several years after."

"Find me in the usual spot, yeah?”

I looked up and realized it was closer to dark that the driver had even slept on my destination. I must have been spacing out for several hours by now. I remembered it, plain as day. And if I’m not mistaken, we only have seven hours left before he leaves me. I couldn’t waste more time trying to count the hours left so I immediately went down and crossed the dock. I spotted his figure from afar; tall, blonde guy. He turned back and our eyes met. Now I could recognize him better as I ran closer to him.

How could I had ever forgotten about him? He was my first love, the reason why I feel so alone after all these years, why I felt so empty in Yuna’s wedding, why I could feel such strong connection between us. This must be why he was in a tux the moment I met him, as it was the last image of him I've remembered in his coffin. All this time, Hwang Hyunjin, the story was about us.

“Are you real?” I sniffed and until then, tears started streaming down my face. I can’t breathe. I feel choked by my own tears and I can sense my heart breaking. My body started feeling so sore because of this immense pain in my heart and I wonder if he’s being so oblivious about it as this, everything, is just so mean. Can he hear my heart crashing?

He only responded with a smile, “I am if you want me to. Anything’s possible, isn’t it?” He reached for my hand and started caressing it gently. God, I could still feel him. So near, yet so far. It’s like he’s here, but isn’t. “Just like how you changed my mind that time.”

I threw my hand away from his hold and took a step back. “So this is why you've never met my friends today, why I was the only one who could see you, why I don't understand you fully, why those people in the café looked at me like I was crazy. Were you real after your death? How could you simply disappear, Hyunjin? Not only a moment ago but also in the past! That was so one-sided. You were breaking my heart. Was that your plan all along? During that sunset, did you mean to grab my attention with those eyes of yours, share your thoughts that changed my whole life, and leave me just to suffer all alone? We weren’t even in pain together, Hyun! I felt great with you and you told me you did find a friend in me. We felt so isolated, but wasn’t that…before us?” My eyes moved downward as I continued without letting him speak, “Or was that just me?” Chuckling in bitter as I spoke with poison, “Right, right. It could’ve just been me! You were suffering so bad and I didn’t even notice it. I may had fun, but it wasn’t enough to make you change your decision that one time I wasn’t around.” I stepped back as he tried to reach for me but I wouldn’t allow him to. He couldn’t even speak as I was madly lost in track with the ideas that filled in my head. “I was wrong. I was not enough. I should’ve been there-"

“Y/n!” He brought me back to reality with just one yell of my name. And I wondered, can he bring his self back too? “I hate that you think bad about yourself. That you had regrets during that moment as you kept blaming your decisions” He mumbled but loud enough for me to hear, “Maybe that’s the reason why I was given another opportunity to meet you. You changed me, y/n. I need you to understand that and respect my feelings.”

“Respect your feelings? Did you ever respect me as a person?” I stared at him, full of contempt and bitterness. He didn’t waste another second to respond but I had cut him off. “What kind of question is that, y/n? Of course, I do-“ I desperately wanted to move away from him that I took several steps back as he did forward.

“And you didn’t consider how I’d react?”

“I did, I had thought of it-“ “And you still went with it! I thought our friendship was strong enough that you’d understand how gravely I’d suffer if you were gone in just one moment. Hell, you left me for a lifetime!” “Can you please listen to me for one second before you might get yourself killed?! We walked back to the road and a car could be here any time we’d least expect!” He raised his voice higher to grab my attention that I had lost strength to fight back. Nothing made sense anymore. How could he put me in place as easy as he’d throw me away? “I can’t afford to lose you, y/n” His eyes softened and I could observe them; they were full of regrets. My heart ached once more and it wasn't because of him. I could sense my hopes getting up again.

[THE DOCK]

We were sitting, staring at the dimness in front of us. Silence. That was all I could hear almost an hour after we went back. It was enough to calm myself down, to be ready, before he’d start talking again. And he did. “You knew my struggles before as a trainee. Rather than solely dancing, I realize I’d be known greater as an idol. I was already suffering from their constant criticisms, endless practices, and trying to prove myself out there. Because it’s so different here in Korea. You can’t simply be skilled and succeed in the music industry. They take no mercy that it’s somehow not just music anymore. You have to appear perfect, have that appeal, be good-looking, and even know almost everything to please people and bring them to be your fans. Not only that, I had family issues too. It was messed up and I needed a different place. I didn’t know I actually needed a person, you, my safe place. It was as if all those worries disappeared and I found my reason to keep going on in that journey. In everyone’s eyes, I was a disappointment and a doubt but you never made me feel that way. You are important to me, y/n. And I’d climb a hundred mountains, reach for a thousand stars, and search for you within millions of people in this world, all for you. I’d make everything possible for you.” “Yet you couldn’t wait a day just for me?” Tears started falling once again but it was a first to see tears brimming from his eyes. I hesitated to add the question I’ve thought of all this time as I imagined his expression, his realization that I’m coming back to reality. “Hyunjin… why did you die? Why did you leave me, alone?”

After a sigh, he replied. “It was not simply one day for me. It was the only moment. I had realized in a short span of time that I can’t live without you. After those moments, I went back to my dorm and repeated the same routine. But I used to be happy because I thought of you every second of my life. I felt motivated in seeing someone who could finally understand me. However, every time they drag me down, give me a notice I may be up for elimination, criticize me, and say I’m not fit for dancing when it had been my reason for living, there was still this hole nobody can fill. And I may had gone through that pain, I may stand it when I’m with you but I was so lost. I wanted to restart my life because I was scared at the thought that I may not be happy with wanting to be an idol when I’ve wasted all my years for this. What am I going to do without it? Without you?”

“Was I not enough? Did I not make a greater effort of changing your perspective?”

“I arrived at the point that I had still thought of spending my days with my bestfriend when I finally become an idol. You’ve changed much more than just perspective, you changed me. But we both can’t change what cannot be changed. It’s life and I’ve given up on it. There’s nothing more you can do.”

He took ahold of my hand and we both stood as the sunrise is nearing. “But looking at you once more, now that I have this freedom, you really got a knack for changing lives. I used to be lost but I have a vision now. You brought me back. I realized that I still needed more time to be with you, I will always do. I do not want things to end, y/n. Thank you for the seven days, seven hours, and seven more minutes with you but I’d be too selfish as to always ask for one more second until I finish spending an eternity with you. Seven is not right for us, Eight may be our fate. But life encompasses everyone and I struggle to keep this goal running” He squeezed my hand, hard enough to make me realize he was trying to keep himself composed. Time is such an awful thing to be paired with life, I thought.

“I thought you said you’d make everything possible for me? For us?” He could only, after everything, smile. He reached for the strands of hair falling like the continuous tears running through my cheeks. He tucked them under my ear as he whispered “And I would.”

I pushed him back a little as we were on the same wavelength, on the same page. “You’re not leaving me again, Hyunjin. You’re not. Not when I’ve spent my whole life thinking about you! Crushing myself over you and dreading this moment just to finally see you pushing me away again! I was there. Everyone moved on but I stayed in the same beach until dust collected in my pinned-up hair and you weren’t still there. On that- this same beach you had forgotten me because I wasn’t present the day you needed me.”

“I could never forget about you, I had never done that at all. I always needed one second to be close to you but that’s the problem, y/n. I used to be hurting every time I was with you, knowing I was meant to leave you in the end. I had no direction in life and I did not want to drag you further with me. You deserve to be in this world.”

Choked sobs are all that he could hear from me. No, I did not like to take another silence anymore. Why does it appear as if we’ve got nothing left to do, that all his decision must be him leaving me? I desperately grasped unto my shirt and crouched with all means to let out the pain my heart is feeling. The scream my heart is letting out that he can now hear.

“It hurts much more, Hyun. I was not living but I wasn’t dying too. Have you encountered it? Before leaving this sick world, did you carry all those regrets? Did you have troubles leaving this beach knowing you’re gone? Did you stop watching the television and your favorite series, basically your current only reason for living, just because I saw your face on the news? Did you lose your appetite? Did you have sleepless nights full of cries and when you were finally able to take a nap, you’d wake up with a wet pillow? Did you stop leaving the house and wasn’t strong enough to face your other friends? Did you feel very helpless to the point I wasn’t brave enough to meet your grave? Up to this time, I walk with nothing but pain in my heart. It hurts, Hyun. It hurts to think that the only thing that reminds me I’m still living is this sting in my heart and I hate that! I hate that I’m still living a life, the one thing that brought both of us down. I’m walking, driving, eating, strolling, and desperately trying to fix everything broken through time. One thing that brought both of us down, I’m still alive because of this sickening time!” “But I have no regrets, y/n.” He mumbled in a low volume and it finally struck me. There’s nothing more I can do, do I? Is this why he’s here? To make me understand that it wasn’t my fault? He’s so pure and good that it’s mean to me.

“How could you do this to me?”

He shushed me, brought my hands together, and embraced me as we both cried. “And I’m sorry. I apologize for everything I’ve made you feel but you won’t feel a single thing like that anymore. By the time we’d keep on living in different worlds, you have to let go of me.” “I’m scared, Hyunjin.” His hands touched my back as he held me closer and simply replied with a ‘don’t be’. “I could sense I’m slowly losing you. I’m slowly starting to forget how you touched me, how you made me feel, and your voice.” He replied no more and encouraged me to let all my feelings out… to forget later. I tried to move a little but he didn’t let me go. It was obvious he didn’t want me to have a last look at his eyes. It’s getting dangerous, Hyun. I’m starting to forget your gaze, those eyes that would then not be considered as ‘those’ but simply eyes I would not be able to recognize anymore. You’re starting to be like everyone, like strangers.

“Can I have one more word with you?” I could feel his soft hands stop and it was if I read his mind. He didn’t want any more promises, I know. “Did you really climb a hundred mountains, and reach for a thousand stars before you’ve searched for me?”

He paused for a moment and we both could hear ourselves chuckle. “You really are still the same, y/n. Hmm..” He stopped as if thinking, before continuing again, “I may had- have not. Okay, I did not.” I could sense his smile but couldn’t feel it anymore.

I tugged his shirt as we still embraced and gave a playful laugh through my tears. “You’re such a drama!” “But in the afterworld, I would. I’d do those for you before I’m forgetting you as well. We’d keep living in both worlds.” I sighed, but it was more of an emotional release. I wonder if he also started to forget how I feel.

“I hope the afterworld do you good, it’s what you deserve.” “And I’d pray to those angels to give you a life, not just worth living but full of happiness.” “That seems impossible” I playfully rolled my eyes and lightly hit him in the back.

“I’d make everything possible for you.” And I knew he’d let it happen. I was starting to calm down as I could see the sun rising. A new beginning. A restart.

“Can I say one last thing before we’d leave each other?” My voice almost cracked due to the sudden wash of emotions to which he replied with a sorrowed chuckle. I could feel myself crying again and my hands were shaking. My heart was clenching so bad and I didn’t know whether it was because of the fear of having a new life without him or because I’m losing him completely. “I liked you, Hyunjin. I really liked you.” It was more than just ache, I was wailing to let out the pain and everything else that kept my heart in a cage. I could sense his touch gradually getting away from me. I could sense him disappearing into thin air as my tears were heavy as falling down into the wooden platform in the dock. I desperately held on to myself instead of him, and crouched down as I felt myself losing all the strength. After everything, I still didn’t know whether he had heard my confession. But it was more than enough to get myself to admit it and let it all out.

He was gone in seven seconds, but I’d need one more second to place him back in my heart again. I’d start anew not holding on to our memories but the lesson that I can find love like this. To be happy, just as he wished. He left me the second time but he was also right again, not in the sense of being together but living in separate ways. Seven was not right for us, Eight may be our fate.

We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light (All Too Well — Taylor Swift) I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone (Enchanted — Taylor Swift)

75 notes · View notes

septembersghost · 6 months

Text

my queue was supposed to run out tonight (11/19) - i'm nothing if not someone who clings to dates and anniversaries, and exactly a month ago, i realized i had enough posts stowed in it to last until today. of all the days. kismet. you know when it's time to go. but i ended up adding some posts from my (still copious) drafts, and no matter how i finagled it, it was impossible to make them all fit by the time today ended. so it gets a little bit of extra time. maybe, in honor of this blog's existence, that's fitting.

you all know this, i've said it, typically in gratitude, many times already. this blog was never meant to last. i came back in november 2020 expecting a couple of months, maybe to be here until the new year. i told very few people, anticipating the goodbye, not wanting to cause anyone undue anguish when i had to vanish again. something i didn't expect was the sheer (admittedly devasting) emotion that would tie itself to those two weeks when i started interacting again, nor that it would have any outreach or impact, but somehow it did. then time kept spinning on, extending itself, gossamer threads unfurling each day. my following kept growing, far beyond what i could have anticipated, greater than i'd ever established on any of my previous blogs. moving around is unfortunately a pattern at this point, every time for reasons that felt quietly catastrophic. not being able to pay bills for a while. angel's death and the ensuing difficult circumstances. so here, i kept anxiously imagining why i'd eventually have to leave, how to plan for it. poverty issues. the homelessness we were facing through the entirety of a couple of years until last august (and my dad having to be the saving grace). worsening health issues. i never knew, i couldn't predict it, i just worried about it. often tried to brace for it. maybe i got too comfortable this year, because this was when i started to think it wouldn't happen, that i really could stay. little did i know. and the reasons...are not reasons i ever fathomed, why would i have? how could i have? i wish it weren't so. (i wish a lot of things.)

i thought sometimes about the words i would leave you with, none of which are suitable now. i almost wrote nothing, yet found that feeling wrong, couldn't leave without something about parting.

thus it turns out i'm leaving before it's strictly necessary, before it's the fear of personal catastrophe coming to fruition, not knowing what i'll do or where i'll metaphorically go, as that is the downside of chronic illness and isolation narrowing this to my sole outlet. (lyrics keep running through my mind, there are always lyrics stuck in my head. no matter where i go, there'll be memories that tug at my sleeve, but there will also be more to question, yet more to believe...teach me to be more adaptive...help me say goodbye). my body is in such a fragile state right now (my mind not far behind) that maybe what i need to do is rest. just rest for a while.

this blog was never meant to grow the way it did, to take asks and have conversations like i did, that was a somewhat new (sometimes scary! often fun) experience for me. it's one that will never be replicated. to my loyal and lovely anons, i'm so sorry that i had to cut you off unexpectedly and couldn't reinstate communication - i know that you weren't able to reach out to me as soon as i did that, and that certainly wasn't your fault, it was a response to the tenor of this website. i apologize for the hundreds of messages i never had the chance to answer. i'm appreciative of the things you shared with me and all the times we got to talk.

i sincerely hope some of you learn to be kinder and wiser and less reactionary and more willing to learn and to listen rather than to attack those who have never wronged you and who do not deserve that. i'm being too nice, but i hope you learn that misusing your supposed social justice to do harm and foment hatred and stew in ignorant cruelty makes any principles you purport to have utterly void. my hope for that is low at the moment, but it's still got to be there. waiting to be found.

to those of you who have never been anything but kind, you are true treasures, the lights in the darkness, the loving and compassionate embodiment of human spirit. some of you have (quite literally) helped keep my mom and me alive, and i can never repay that or do enough in this life to quantify it. some of you have been here for me every single day, to listen and laugh and cry and understand. i don't think i would've bothered to fight through these past three years had i not had your presences in my life. i wouldn't have had as much of a reason. there are times when i still haven't felt like i had a reason, i struggle through so many varied griefs, but then i continued to wake up, and would come on here and find something joyful or beautiful or affirming that someone had sent or posted, and it gave me an anchor. there are passions and interests i shared or discovered here that were so uplifting and enlightening, and i will carry them in my heart always. being here to find those was such a blessing. being here with you to indulge in them was such a blessing. thank you. i pray your continued paths have more of that ahead. look at all the things you've done for me. there are certain things that once you have no time can wear away.

you know that line from the wizard of oz?: hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable. maybe that isn't true, maybe our hearts being broken is proof of something. there are people who hurt me on such a profound level who i know weren't affected by it at all, but i refuse to define my sensitivity as a negative. my softness (too soft for all of it, indeed) does not quite provide me with a weapon, but it doesn't crumple. hearts can be broken repeatedly and still beat, which i've thought about a lot lately. shattered souls just make a new mosaic. it's a different picture than it was before, but the color and light persists. and in the remains of that, a handful of people have shown me depths of caring and resilience that i wouldn't have gotten to hold onto otherwise, which is an extraordinary thing. the precious rarities have to mean something more, don't they? i would think so. i believe it. or i'm trying. i keep trying with all my might.

maybe i stayed too long at the fair. maybe this is a consequence of overplaying my hand, gambling a little too much with time to where it had to teach me something. maybe i needed the reminder that sometimes we have to fight to retain our spirits, and other times we have to retreat. maybe i needed a reminder that all that extra time was a miracle. i don't take it for granted.

whether we've spoken directly, be that consistently or in scattered flurries, whether we've interacted in very personal ways or simply in liked hearts on the dash, i hope there was goodness and light in it. i hope there's a memory i leave here that's sweet. (as long as i'm borrowing phrases, i hope you'll think of me fondly sometimes.) i hope there was something warm and enriching here. i hope you know what you've been and meant to me. i said so many times that this blog was my cozy haunted house - the ghosts will linger here forever, and i know they'll never mind if you want to step in and visit.

with all my heart, i love so many of you so dearly. i am so lucky to have your friendships. please move gently through life. please hold onto the things that illuminate it for you, and provide that where you can. please do your best to repair even the smallest of tears in the world. you are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

there must be lights burning brighter somewhere.

something yet remains. i remain. and i do my best to be brave.

#bubble wrap around my heart #jess.mess #namarie #gam zu l'tovah #edit: december 2. this was as it turns out too nice #because today this website decided to desecrate something central and sacred #i wish i could verbalize to you despicable people the profound soul deep hurt you're causing #and the constant fear and trauma you're instilling by making every space so blatantly hateful and hostile and unsafe #but you don't get to take a PRAYER away from its people. you don't get that power ever. that light will NEVER be diminished #i have no respect for any of you doing this. you're evil #i have infinite respect for myself now though. i know who i am. and i'm done #you don't deserve me and you never deserved my friendship or my trust or my heart #proverbs 4:23 #goodbye.

43 notes · View notes

mbti-notes · 1 month

Text

Anon wrote: Hello MBTI-notes! I'm an INTJ seeking for help on how to deal w my situation that involves considering finance. I tend to be good at dealing with these practical problems but this dilemma gets mixed into a great relationship that I'm very unwilling to let go, my relationship w my current bf who's INFJ.

I'm not someone who seeks a lavish lifestyle, but I'm apprehensive about facing homelessness in the future, having to rent year-round.

We've been together for over six years. Meeting him brings me so much joy; he's truly the man of my dreams I've been waiting for all these years. My second love. He's warm, gentle, kind-hearted. I can feel his sincerity, he treats me with affection, often buying gifts to make me happy, doting on me. He cooks delicious meals and often cooks for me. Attentive, taking care of me in every way, always proactive in expressing his love. We also understand each other in a spiritual way that no one had ever done to me in my life. A quiet morning with him is blissful. Sometimes, we even know what each other is thinking without speaking.

Everything seems perfect; his love for me is beautiful, but unfortunately, he comes from a difficult family background. Ten years ago, his family had to sell their house to help his father pay off a large debt, and since then, they've been renting. His mother passed away long ago, and now he lives with his father and older brother. He's filial, responsible for the family, the main pillar, burdened with the responsibility of providing for their needs. Financial burden had been his obstacle both in personal relationship & job. Without intrinsic motivation, maybe he would have dropped uni in his last year.

Understanding his situation, I don't demand material things from him. Even when we dine out, I share expenses with him, alternating who pays to ease his financial burden. Often, I feel sorry for him, such a good man in such dire family circumstances. My own family is luckier; we don't have to pay rent monthly, though we're just a middle-class family, not affluent.

In this relationship, I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. Because of his financial constraints, loving him requires me to consider many things: thoughts of the future, a small family, future children. Is it okay to have no stable home, to rent from year to year? Will we argue over financial matters constantly? Is love enough to overcome hunger? I truly don't know. We love each other sincerely; I'd regret losing him. Is this economic instability sustainable? Should I let go of a good but poor man? I wish he was at least richer.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

----------------------

Deep down, you suspect this is a once-in-a-lifetime relationship, and you may be right. Can you really put a price tag on something as precious as that? You're basically asking whether one can put a price on love. It is a matter of opinion. Some will say yes, some will say no. Perhaps I'm a hopeless romantic, so I would say no. At the end of the day, it is a judgment you have to make based on what you value most in life or how you decide to rank your values. It's not my place to tell you what you value or what to value.

The obvious question is: Have you brought this issue up with him and have you had productive discussions about it? If so, what are the key points you keep getting stuck on? If you haven't discussed it properly yet, that's a problem, because these things should already be clarified by year six of a relationship.

Like you said, you don't demand to live lavishly. You are mainly concerned with financial security, and you use home ownership as a barometer. I don't believe home ownership is an impossible goal for two highly motivated people. You might have to hustle, work hard, be creative, manage finances very closely, choose your residence wisely, etc, but it's possible. It might also help to get expert financial guidance. However, you both have to commit to the goal and make some sacrifices in order to achieve it. For example, he may have to pull back a little from his family duties, or you may have to put off children for a few years.

What are you each willing to sacrifice in order to contribute an equitable effort to this goal of home ownership? In a perfect world, these practical matters shouldn't interfere with love. In reality, they don't have to, as long as you can communicate, negotiate, compromise, and reach an agreement that both parties can live with and abide by. Although money can be a sensitive issue, it is a practical problem, isn't it? So, use practical methods to resolve it.

When you feel stuck, it often means you haven't taken enough action to address a problem. And you should remember that big problems can't usually be solved all at once. You need to break it up into steps and then take one step at a time. By doing this, you create some forward momentum and feel less stuck. Since you are both Ni dom, it might be worth mentioning that you shouldn't approach life as though every decision is a life-or-death or all-or-nothing decision. It is okay to change your mind upon gathering more evidence that things aren't going to work out after all. Until then, all you can do is give it your best shot, step by step. A great way to avoid regret is to make sure you've completely exhausted the opportunity before deciding to move on to the next one.

#intj #intj relationships #money #finance #ask

13 notes · View notes

ryuichirou · 1 month

Text

Replies

Also shorter ones today… mostly related to our previous replies and posts!

Anonymous asked:

After seeing Eel Floyd with Riddle

AND THOSE BITE MARKS 👀👀👀👀

I gotta know -

Did Floyd slip and slide in Riddle?

Also

Did Riddle magically goldfish form and the two had merman sex???

Honestly I wasn’t thinking about Riddle also becoming a merman, but they absolutely have to have merman sex at some point, otherwise it just isn’t fair (to me) lol

And to answer your first question, yes, there might have been some slipping and sliding in Riddle involved~

Anonymous asked:

re: the gaslighting Jade ask. I randomly stumbled on your blog from other ones, and I literally blocked you because shroudcest triggers me. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own safety. As long as it’s properly marked for (which yours clearly is since I blocked you the second I made a tumblr), really all we can do is filter the things that hurt us out.

(im agreeing with you btw. draw what you want i cant stop you. just feel like i in particular make a point worth mentioning from seeing that. you can answer this or not bc obviously i probably wont see it anyway)

Anon! Whether you see this reply or not, thank you very much for writing this despite having us blocked lol

You really are making a good point, and I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and avoiding uncomfortable stuff. I really encourage it. Thank you for understanding and for approaching this issue with respect.

Have a good day.

Anonymous asked:

Gaslighting IS Jade’s love language. Also mushrooms.

Facts, Anon <3 He doesn’t waste his gaslighting and mushrooms on those he doesn’t find entertaining love!

Anonymous asked:

Honestly I can totally see Cater as the kind of guy that now and then buys a random manga just because the cover looks aesthetically pleasing, although if they are BL they are probably more oriented towards shonen-ai than explicit content. But also he wouldn't really read them because he finds the stories and characters a bit ridiculous (is he a bitter anti-romantic? or maybe his sisters used to collect shojo manga and he associates the love story genre with them?). I bet when he had roommates he had fun leaving one of his manga lying around, just to see people's reaction and go "aw, shoot, you saw it? that's sooo embarassing..." or something like that

To be honest, I can see that too. Cater seems like someone who isn’t all that into anime and manga, but is aware of it enough to recognise that the cover is pretty and that there is something gay inside (he might figure out the latter thing later as he looks inside the book lol). His sisters really could be into it though, so I can see him having certain associations.

lol Cater’s roommates “finding” his manga though… Don’t act so coy, Cater 😭

Anonymous asked:

Goddammit! Idia, you cannot escape me for long, one way or another, your chest will be licked! *shakes fist at the sky*

I love how this is turning into a Looney Tunes cartoon…

Anonymous asked:

Idia doesn’t have nipples. He accidentally shaved them off. Tragic 😔 L in the chat for his nipples.

Damn. I’m afraid I have bad news for the previous Anon.

Anonymous asked:

Do you have any HCs for Neige and/or Chenya?

We do have HCs about Neige/Vil and Chenya/Riddle (1,2)!

Anonymous asked:

It is I, 🐩 anon,

So I got a friend into twst and tell me why her favorite character is goddamn Crowley? I'm currently trying to convert her to Divus supremacy. Enough about this. Let me ask my silly little question.

Is there anything about TWST's story plot that you dislike or wished it was worked on more? Or character you wish were more fleshed out?

Your friend has quite the taste… She is probably a genius of sorts 😔🙏

I feel like I was pretty vocal about it, so I am sorry for talking about it again, but I really didn’t enjoy how Ch2 was handled and Leona in general, to be honest. I wrote a post about my grievances a whole year ago, but my stance didn’t really change. We’ve rewatched the majority of the main story since then, and I thought that maybe with fresh minds and fresh eyes we would enjoy Leona at least to some degree, but unfortunately it didn’t really help. The events don’t really help either…

There might be some other things, but this is the one I think about every time when we talk about the flaws of TWST writing.

Anonymous asked:

what is your notp?

A bunch of Leona ships come to mind, i.e. Leona/Malleus, Leona/Vil, Leona/Idia 🤔 But also a bunch of Trey ships, like Trey/Jade or Rook/Trey…

Anonymous asked:

if you had to go on a date with one of the twst boys who are you picking? i'm picking idia

Idia is a great option, Anon; he would be so uncomfortable and awkward, getting nervous about the smallest inconveniences and whispering “thank god” every time you don’t force him to do something… I would pick him to, but my second option would be Jamil. I think he’s pretty chill.

Katsu would've picked Jade because of course, this is the best pick.

Anonymous asked:

any old fandoms that you feel out of love with?

Can’t think of any, Anon… I feel like we never fall completely out of love with anything, just move on, but there is always an opportunity that we’ll come back at some point. Things like Homestuck are still on our minds constantly lol

There are some titles that we kind of started watching, but then stopped because it wasn’t fully out yet, and since then we kind of lost interest for this thing. And with some of these titles it’s very unlikely that we’ll ever go back, but it’s never 1000% impossible. But then again, it’s not like we loved these titles…

Anonymous asked:

Funfact: The crowley that crowley is named after used to perform sex based magic with men

Damn I hope this is what our Crowley also does. This is his dark secret that is very poorly hidden

Anonymous asked:

I think Riddle would be a really good teacher's pet

Oh he would <3 He is a teacher’s pet.

Ironically, I feel like this makes him a bit boring for Crewel…although it depends…🤔

Anonymous asked:

What is a ship you rarely draw but you love

I don’t draw any of them enough, I love them all! Waaaaah :(

I feel like I don’t draw Sebek/Silver nearly enough for how much we love them, Rook/Epel is also a rare one but we love it, Sebek/Idia could use more love, anything with Jamil too…

Anonymous asked:

Please share with us a full list of the preference of the TWST boys? Top or bottom? I typed up a list for you to use!

Anon, we have a list in our pinned post! But since you’ve typed up a list, I’ll go through the list again :) We also have a post in which we explain our reasoning for each choice, so you can read it too if you’re interested.

Oh! And if you meant some other types of preferences, please let me know. In that case though, we have a list of the boys’ kinks, which isn’t the same thing, but pretty close; so you can read this one too if you want <3

Riddle – bottom

Ace – top

Deuce – bottom

Trey – top

Cater – top

Leona – bottom

Ruggie – top

Jack - top

Azul – top

Floyd – top

Jade – top

Kalim – top

Jamil – bottom

Vil – bottom

Rook – top

Epel – bottom

Idia – bottom

Ortho – top

Malleus– bottom

Sebek – top

Lilia – top

Silver– bottom

#replies

12 notes · View notes

vilandel · 2 months

Text

Lavender & Rose

Summary It was strange to smell Vanessas rose water on Nozel. Even stranger to that Nozels subtle lavender scent was now on Vanessa. But Noelle didn't connect the dots before she saw the reason crystal clear in front of her.

A/N I fic I wrote two years ago, because I wanted some interactions between Noelle, Nozel and Vanessa while those two are dating 💜

Ao3 link

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

“So, were where you?”

Vanessa flinched while putting her broom against the wall, before she turned, smiling brightly and trying to hide how nervous she was.

But Noelle won’t have any of it. She could clearly see that her squadmate was nervous. She knew Vanessa by now, she would always smile and laugh and be as cheerful as possible to hide her nervousness. After being members of the same squad for a long time, of course Noelle knew how Vanessa ticked.

“My, you sound like an older sibling, sweetie, despite being the youngest Black Bull. Trying to impersonate your brother, huh?”

“Not true!” Noelle protested, even though she might have tried to channelled a bit her inner Nozel in order to put some deep in her scolding words. But maybe others would just find that she’s looking cute, sadly.

“That’s not the issue here and you didn’t answered me. Again, were where you?”

Vanessa visibly hesitated, so Noelle continued with a deep sigh, “You were out all night drinking at different bars. Vanessa, you promised me to take your drinking problem seriously! I thought you were already doing better.”

“Noelle, I swear that I wasn’t out getting drunk. And I’m doing better, or did you see me gulping down twenty bottles of wine every evening lately.”

“Fair point, but you know that I suspect you to drink in secret. It won’t be the first time, do you remember the incident in the bathroom?”

“Well… okay, that wasn’t the best idea I had and I’m sorry. But I really didn’t go all night in some bars and get drunk. Or do you smell any wine from me?”

Noelle sighed, feeling a bit stupid. It was true, there wasn’t any wine smell coming from Vanessa. Which meant that she didn’t spend the night to get drunk.

There was still a smell, though. Very subtle, almost invisible. A hint of lavender, Noelle could tell. But she had no idea what to think of it and lavender wasn’t something that would make her think of Vanessa, who preferred roses. But that lavender still felt familiar, somehow.

Deciding to ignore it, she just asked, “But then, where were you?”

“Ah, this is my secret,” Vanessa giggled, her nervousness flying away. Noelle looked suspiciously at her, but of course her squadmate wasn’t impressed. “Just so you know, I found a way to spend my nights that is way more wonderful than getting drunk over twenty times.”

“I hope so. Well, as long as it makes you happy and don’t dangerous…”

“You’re really trying to impersonate your older brother, aren’t you?”

“Don’t start with that again!” Noelle protested, blushing heavily. For once that she wasn’t blushing about Asta, but that didn’t change the fact that she didn’t like getting red like a tomato. It was already embarrassing that she kinda wrongly accused Vanessa, almost as much as her feelings for that idiot. Despite having admitted her feelings to herself during the battle in Spade, Noelle still had difficulties to admit it out loud to anyone,especially Asta. If it took her more than one year to admit those feelings to herself, how long will she take before she would finally admit to him or even anyone?

And then she had other concerns on this topic…

Chasing those unpleasant thoughts away, Noelle said to Vanessa, “Sorry to assume that… well, you know. I’m just worried about you.”

“And trust me, Noelle, I’m grateful for that. You’re clearly one of the rare Bulls who really show their worry. A bit too much in your case, but I guess that’s just typical Silva.”

Noelle had no idea why this kinda sound more like a compliment than teasing.

She couldn’t ask though, because Vanessa came over to hug her. Noelle reluctantly gave in. After all, she accepted her love for hugs, but not with everyone and for now, she refused to say it out loud.

“You’re a real sweetheart, despite your hard shell. Don’t worry too much about me, I just found a better drug than wine.”

This didn’t sounded reassuring at all, but Noelle find herself in a mood to give Vanessa the benefice of doubt. After all, the fact that she smelled not like wine but lavender could be considered a good sign.

That lavender smell, though… Why did it felt so familiar?

♣♣♣

Two days later

Noelle just watched as Nozel put some papers into the chimney fire. Marriage proposals. For him, for Nebra and Solid, even for her. She never would have thought that nobles would ask for her hand in marriage, given her past reputation. But apparently, even back then, before she became a Black Bulls, Nozel received marriage proposals for her.

“How long?” Noelle asked. She didn’t know what else to say. Visiting her older brother still felt a bit awkward. But Noelle refused to miss it. After Nozel told her the truth about their mother, after he told her everything, after they were trying step by step to mend their bond, she couldn’t gave up on what they already achieved.

It still felt like work in progress and considering their story, of course they would need to move forward. But despite the awkwardness, those visits were precious to Noelle. It felt good, fragile but strong at the same time. At first, Nozel and her talked mostly about their mother, but they started recently having discussions on other topics.

“You were barely a few days old,” Nozel answered quietly. “It hasn’t stopped since. They’re most desperate during May, summer or December, it’s when nobles and royals usually get married. Some were even bold enough to tell me that a wedding, an alliance with this House or this family would be the only thing that could make your reputation better… I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, big brother.”

Nozel sighed, putting another proposal in the fire, before he continued, “I just… I couldn’t do that to you. I wanted to protect you and I did it wrong. But marrying you off… I refused to put you through a loveless, arranged marriage, no matter how protected you could have been and no matter how it could have helped our House. Those are things I never could have accepted.”

“The same for Nebra and Solid?” Noelle asked, still fearing the answer. It was reassuring to know that Nozel would never marrying her off. But she knew from experience that it was more complex than that. Just because she won’t be married off didn’t meant that she could marry who she want that easily. Especially a peasant. Especially a magicless peasant. Like Asta was.

Noelle hold back a sigh. Why was she already thinking of marrying that idiot? They weren’t together, he didn’t know about her feelings. Heck, Asta didn’t consider her as a potential romantic partner, only a friend and squadmate! Apparently, he was fixated on marrying that nun who raised him! Sometimes, Noelle asked herself what she even saw in him. Granted, she could answer that question to herself, but he was so oblivious!

Nozel didn’t answered her question immediately, looking at the fire without really seeing it. But in the end, he finally said, “Yes. An arranged marriage is something I refuse to consider for any of you.”

He said you. He didn’t say us.

This was sadly confirming the suspicions Noelle already had since a while. Nozel would most certainly sacrifice himself into a loveless, arranged marriage in order to give Nebra, Solid and her more freedom in the choice of their potential spouses.

That was what Noelle had feared and one of the many reasons why she was still hesitating with Asta. She would never accept that in order to be happy, the happiness of another person has to be sacrificed. Especially if that person would be someone she cared for, especially if it was her older brother, who already had so much pressure upon himself since their mother died.

She didn’t how to bring up that topic. Noelle had no idea if Nozel would confirm what she already knew or deny it, telling her to not be worried about him. Well, she was. And their bond was still a bit fragile, Noelle didn’t want to risk it.

“I don’t want this either,” she said instead. Nozel just looked at her, his face rather unreadable as always, but with some softness in his eyes. Noelle had no idea if he realized the subtle implication in her sentence or not. Maybe it didn’t matter.

It was rather far-fetched, but Noelle knew that she had to talk about Asta to Nozel one day. It was probable that her won’t be too pleased about her with a magicless peasant. But Noelle forced herself to not doubt her brother. It still wasn’t easy, but as captain Yami always urge the Bulls to surpass their limits, she was determined to surpass this limit of hers.

But of course, this was too far-fetched for now. Asta and Noelle weren’t even together yet. Heck, she only admitted her feelings to herself after a long period of time and knowing her, admitting it to him and to anyone in general would take some time. Noelle was rather upset with herself about that. Maybe this was another limit she would need to surpass one day?

Well, she would see due time.

Noelle slowly get closer to her brother, taking his hand. He didn’t back away, he didn’t even get stiff like when they started those visits. She didn’t know if she was trying to comfort Nozel or searching comfort from him, but it felt right.

“Won’t they leave you alone? The nobles…”

“No and I fear I’m going to deal with despicable proposals for too long. I’m Head of House, after all. And… you know that some would love to see me fail, to see our house fall. There’s only four of us Silva. Achilles and Augustus love to remind me that.”

Noelle nodded. She learned a lot of things since her and Nozel worked on mending their bond. And the way the other two royal Heads of House treated him really upset her.

“I wish I could help you somehow, brother.”

Nozel didn’t answered. Probably because he had no idea what to respond to kindness. He only nodded, tightening the hold on her hand.

Taking a deep breath, Noelle slowly hugged him. It had become a habit, to hug her older brother when he was feeling a bit down and Nozel really needed a hug so more often than she ever imagined before.

Their hugs always felt pretty awkward. They were Silvas, after all and none of both had many experiences as huggers. Well, Vanessa would hug Noelle every time she could, but the hugs she shared with Nozel were different.

Still, Noelle loved it. Despite how awkward it was, those hugs were really comforting. So, she went to it and put her arms around Nozel. He just awkwardly rest an arm around her shoulders and his other hand lied softly on top of her head.

Noelle smiled softly. It was still awkward, but it really felt good. Like always when she hugged her brother.

Although… something was different. Normally, Nozel would smell like lavender. Subtle only, a faint scent. She didn’t know if it was perfume, his shampoo or something else, but somehow it suited him. But today, he smelled more like roses.

Strange, it also felt familiar. Thinking about it, Noelle found that it was very similar to the cheap but still nice rose water Vanessa loved to use.

Vanessa… lavender… rose water…

Wait a minute!

♣♣♣

The next day

Alright, Noelle, calm down and don’t panic. There’s a simple explanation to it, of course there’s one.

She thought, while panicking on her bed back at the Black Bulls hideout instead of sleeping.

Why was she so worked out about it anyway? She couldn’t stop thinking about it since her visit to Nozel yesterday. It wasn’t like that Vanessa had Nozels subtle lavender scent and it wasn’t like Nozel smelled like Vanessas usual rose water.

Noelle sighed, frustrated. That sounded too much like denial for her liking.

But maybe it was just a coincidence.

A really big coincidence.

Maybe they just made a mistake when they bought it last time.

That could be an explanation. But that sounded only like Vanessa. Noelle couldn’t imagine her brother, who likes discipline so much, to make a mistake to buy whatever made him smell like lavender.

Not to mention that Vanessas rose water was from the cheap kind and Nozel would buy more like expensive things. Would he even buy them himself?

On the other hand, Noelle didn’t recall that lavender was used in expensive perfumes or shampoos or any of those kind of products. Wasn’t it considered not majestic enough, no fit for nobles and royals? Well, as for now, that was just a detail.

Well, maybe I wasn’t in my right mind when I smelled those scents.

Except that she was. Noelle would never scold Vanessa while feeling off (not anymore, that is) and why would she feel off while visiting her brother?

Okay, somehow none of the most logical explanations made sense, given what kind of people Vanessa and Nozel were. But would a crazy reason made more sense? Noelle highly doubted it.

Noelle sighed in frustration and got up. It was so stupid to deal with a mystery who seemed to have no logic explanation. And no explanation in general. The only reason Noelle couldn’t stop herself from thinking about was that it somehow involved two persons she deeply cared about.

A glance to her window showed her that dawn was already here. Great, now she had spent the whole night thinking about Vanessa and her brother and scents that were somehow on the wrong persons instead of sleeping. Hopefully she would be sent on no mission today.

Noelle walked to her window. She highly doubted that she would fall asleep so soon again. While she’s awake, she could at least check where her room was today, so that she can make herself an image of the hideouts map for the next few hours.

Her window was at the northside today. One of the rare calm sides in this area, because the Bulls never came here very often. It had too much tree to be a proper training ground and it was perfect to sneak in without being seen in most cases. And when, only by the quietest of the Black Bulls.

Noelle decided to not complain. She was actually lucky, maybe if she stays in her room long enough, she might have peace, not be bothered with any upcoming mission for today and so, catching up on her missing sleep.

Just as she was about to go back to bed, Noelle saw Vanessa appear behind the trees.

Great, she probably went out all night again. Noelle sighed, hesitating on scolding her friend later today or to smell if she had her rose water back or still that subtle lavender scent, that was too much like her brothers.

Geez, why can’t I just let go of that already?

Vanessa turned around, visibly talking to someone. So, she wasn’t alone? Well, not that there was anything strange with that. There were some Black Bulls who would get up early. Gordon for example, Nero too. And Asta. But Noelle doubted it was him, it was way too quiet.

Noelle sighed. After so long, she came to know him so well. And still she hesitated.

Another person appeared between the trees. But it wasn’t any of her squadmates…

Nozel?

The silver hair, the braid, the Silva clothes… even the Silver Eagle robe. Logically speaking, this was her brother, undoubtedly.

But Noelle was still unable to process this. Why would her brother come to the Black Bulls hideout? Visit her? But they would usually met at the Silva palace, because they had more privacy there than here.

And why was Nozel talking to Vanessa? Noelle couldn’t hear anything, but it didn’t looked like small talk. As if Nozel would ever do small talk.

It rather looked like old acquaintances, at least.

But how would Nozel and Vanessa be old acquaintances? They at best heard about each other, but they never ever met! Right?

For some reason, she didn’t was as certain about this statement as she normally would have been.

Noelle took a deep breath. There was really no need to panic, it usually never helped her. Maybe there was a pretty simple, logic explanation to it and she just haven’t thought about it because of her panic. If she wanted an answer, all she needed to do was to continue to observe them. Whatever they would do, it would explain what she’s witnessing just fine.

So she observed. It looked like Vanessa was teasing him, but unusually for Nozel, he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Then, he actually went to caress Vanessas cheek, which was definitely not something her brother would do with someone who wasn’t family and even then, it was rather rare.

Noelle got even more confused when Vanessa took the hand caressing her and hold it close, closing her eyes in the process. Looking like she was enjoying the touch.

What is going on?

Noelle didn’t had the time to overthinking the gesture of her squadmate, as she saw Nozel leaning down a bit. Kissing Vanessa. Right on the lips. And Vanessa kissed him back.

It started out soft, but it quickly get hotter. Passionate even. And maybe with tongue.

Noelle jumped away from the window, crashed on her bed and hide her more than red face behind a pillow, even though no one would see her.

Alright. She didn’t expect that.

And she had no idea how to properly process those news.

Vanessa… with Nozel.

Her older brother… with one of her best friends.

If someone had just told her this, Noelle would have laughed. Nozel and Vanessa, this was like worlds, even universes coming together, so actually impossible… normally. Luck stopping to love fighting would have been more probable, somehow.

But Luck was still an euphoric fighter, now even more dangerous with ultimate magic. While Nozel, her calm and serious older brother, and Vanessa, her cheery and joyful squadmate, were lovers.

But how? Why?

Well, at least they were both good-looking, Noelle wouldn’t deny that. But still, how and when did that happened. She almost also asked herself why again, but she stopped. That kinda sounded like she didn’t wanted them to be together, to be happy and in love. Well, she surely didn’t hate it, but at the same time, Noelle wasn’t thrilled about it either. Because she was still shocked from what she saw and she was processing it too slowly, so she didn’t really had the energy to be happy.

Noelle was almost tempted to go back to her window, to see if Nozel and Vanessa were still there, snogging with no care in the world. But she decided against it. She didn’t any more confirmation with what she witnessed. And it already demanded her a lot of energy to not deny it. She’d done that too many times with her own feelings for Asta, thank you very much.

Wait a minute!

The lavender scent and the rose water… Noelle had smelled it on them. Vanessas rosy perfume on Nozel and his subtle, faint lavender scent on her squadmate.

This… this was actually a logic explanation, after what she just witnessed.

But since their scents were on each other… that would mean they were really close. Granted, Noelle saw them kissing like there’s now tomorrow. But it was fair to assume that they were already closer than just kisses. That they got really close, intimate even… Was that the reason why Vanessa would only come home at morning? Because she was now spending most of her nights with Nozel, in his arms?

Now Noelle was blushing even more.

But they aren’t even married!

Shut up, Noelle, this is a stupid argument and you know it!

So much for having a quiet morning. Noelle would never find some peace now that she knows that Nozel was dating Vanessa, one of her squadmates!

Noelle gasped. Vanessa was a witch and normally out of his circles! So, would that mean that her brother, who never took any risk to endanger House Silva, basically their mothers legacy, would actually jump into the unknown by loving someone who would never be considered a proper match for a royal, even more a Head of House?

That was so much to process right now. But at least, if Nozel was serious with Vanessa – and it was fair to assume that he was – the risk of him sacrificing himself into a political marriage, in order to let Noelle, as well as Nebra and Solid, to be free from those arranged weddings, was now not that big anymore.

And this small thought was a relief for Noelle. A tiny one, but it helped her to calm down a bit.

Now, what would she do now? Actually, if Noelle was honest with herself, she wanted to understand the relationship between Vanessa and Nozel. Logically, she could just ask.

But she wouldn’t do that. Yes, she was calmer now, but only a bit. Not enough to even considering asking them about their love life. They kept their relationship in secrecy and not without a reason.

Of course not. Everyone would freak out, just like I did. Yami would freak out, almost every Black Bull would freak out, Nebra and Solid would freak out. Nobles and royals, but not only, basically the entire kingdom would freak out and I don’t know how would the reactions be in the Witches Forest. Nozel and Vanessa would not know any peace if their secret would be out in the open.

No, she couldn’t ask them. But maybe she could investigate? Just to understand… and maybe helping them. She had no idea how. But despite her shock, it was something she wanted to.

♣♣♣

A week later

“I think Noelle knows something about us.”

“Hm.”

Vanessa giggled. Nozel seemed rather more interested by diving his nose in her hair rather than Noelle maybe having some suspicions about their relationship. She liked the effect she had on him.

But knowing her boyfriend, she just knew that he won’t wave this away. At least, he won’t be silently panicking. Not while she’s here to calm him down, even a bit.

Looking over at the windows door that lead to Nozels balcony, Vanessa saw that dawn was pointing in a beautiful golden colour. Although, she preferred when dawn was silver, after a rainy night, when light would shine softly through the grey clouds and morning mist.

To witches belief, silver was the only metal that any evil couldn’t corrupt. So, witches considered it as a good sign, even in darkest moment, silver was more a symbol of hope. There had been a silver dawn their first morning as a couple and she liked to think that it was somehow their lucky colour.

Vanessa closed her eyes for a moment, holding Nozels arm to her, breathing his scent. He had a subtle lavender smell, really faint and somehow refreshing. She loved falling asleep with a bit of lavender in her nose.

But it wasn’t night, it was morning and they had something to discuss.

Nozel didn’t answered right away, so Vanessa continued, “She tried to follow me a few days ago, when we had that date in this fancy, noble restaurant. Knowing her, she would have disguised herself as a maid, but she didn’t found the restaurant in the first place. Well, even if she did, you booked a private salon for us, so I doubt she would have been able to spy on us anyway.”

“Knowing her? So, she already did disguise herself as a maid?”

“Yes. But don’t tell her, she would deny it. She always denies it.”

Vanessa giggled as Nozel just sighed deeply. It didn’t sound like a Head of House worrying about members of his House acting out of line. No, this sigh here was the one of a tired older brother and it was utterly adorable.

“I think you’re right, Noelle might know something. She was at the capital yesterday.”

“Yes, it was her day off and she wanted to go shopping. Although she rarely goes alone.”

“Well, we met in front of a florist and she asked if I’m going to buy a bouquet. Noelle tried to ask casually, but… well, I could feel her nervousness. She also asked about some meanings of flowers and what messages it could give when you put these flowers together with those. I admit that it surprised me. Noelle knows about those very well, it is part of our Silva education.”

“You Silvas with your flower language,” Vanessa giggled, which made Nozel frown a bit.

“Do you hate it when I offer you flowers?”

“Of course not, honey. I love it. It’s just funny that language of flowers is part of your royal education. Silva education, so it’s exclusively your family?”

“The Kiras and Vermillions don’t have it, indeed. Well, my cousins learned it as well, but Kirsch and Mimosa have plant based magic.”

“Make sense. But back on topic. Noelle definitely knows something or has suspicions at least. Do you think it is time we tell her about us?”

Nozel sat up in a sigh. He didn’t answered immediately and Vanessa won’t push him. Given their situation and their statuses, it wasn’t the easiest decision to make. In their society, where rumours are able to hurt more than they should and one word could sadly decide the downfall of even a royal, they had to go a stony way if they don’t want to be separated from each other.

Vanessa sighed. Nozel and her decided to go on a stony way. But she never regretted it once, even for a second. What they had made her happy and it was the same for Nozel. She knew who he really was, she saw behind the cold mask and he let her be vulnerable with him. He didn’t back away from the broken side of her. No, he accepted it, he even embraced it.

That love was worth fighting for.

But they couldn’t live in secrecy forever. Neither of them wanted it anyway. Vanessa would prefer to be out in the open and Nozel was tired of secrets, after living and suffering with them for over seventeen years.

They had decided to come out slowly out of their secrecy, step by step. After blissful weeks with just the two of them, telling Noelle would be a good first step.

“You know, honey, Noelle would be actually one the Bulls who would be genuinely happy for us. Granted, after she got over her shock.”

Vanessa loved her squadmates, she really did. But she also loved Nozel deeply. She knew that most Bulls would have big shock learning that she was dating the captain of the Silver Eagles of all people. They would freak out and maybe not all would be happy, at least at the beginning.

But she had no concerns about Noelle for that.

“I know,” Nozel replied. “It… may be a good idea and the right time as well. I just… I have no idea how to tell her.”

He looked away, clearly embarrassed. Vanessa couldn’t help but giggle. He was so adorable when he was flustered.

“Oh, look at you, being all shy to tell your baby sister that you’re in a happy relationship.”

“Stop it, please.”

His cheeks were no as red as rubies and he was still looking away. Did he realize how cute he was when he’s like that? Vanessa grinned as she also sat up to hug him.

“We will tell her together. If I leave you both alone, it might going to be awkward. Cute knowing you and Noelle, but awkward still. And if she already knows something, maybe she won’t get too shocked?”

“Alright.”

Vanessa tightened her hug and smiled in glee when Nozel turned a bit to hug her back.

She would love to tell Noelle. Secrecy was nice and all, no rumours to hurt them, no one judging, no overprotective Bulls spying on them. Vanessa loved that peace. But she would also love to finally be in the open, showing the world how lucky she felt to be loved by Nozel Silva. Telling Noelle would be a first step. It was about time Nozel and her finally moved forward.

A giggle escaped her lips as her boyfriend dived his nose in her hair again, smelling it like it was a drug.

“Just so you know, I haven’t changed my perfume, it’s still the same every day.”

“I know. I just love this sweet scent on you. But I can’t believe that this is a cheap perfume.” Nozel sighed as he inhaled her scent deeply. “I can’t pass and smell roses without thinking about you anymore.”

“Same for me with lavender and you. I never would have thought to even love lavender before you become my amazing boyfriend.”

She heard Nozel chuckle. It sounded muffled, because his face was still in her hair. With a happy sigh, Vanessa leaned against his shoulder, enjoying his subtle lavender scent. It smelled like paradise.

♣♣♣

Two days later

Noelle was calm. Noelle was perfectly calm.

After all, she was just waiting for her brother in the Silva flower garden. At a rather hidden spot. Unlikely seen from the castle. Which would mean that Nozel would have something important to tell her and it was fair to assume that it wasn’t something nice for both of them.

Forget being calm, actually she was freaking out. Inside that is, outside she was perfectly calm. Okay, she was walking around a bush of beautiful pale pink roses, but that was just a detail.

She had no idea why Nozel called for her. It wasn’t the usual visit day and she couldn’t recall anything that could have upset him. Granted, he never scolded her since she knew the truth about their mother, but this was a detail.

Actually, could it have to do with her secret investigation about Nozels relationship with Vanessa. But how could he know, she was being so discreet that no one noticed. Well, to be fair, she had been very unsubtle most of the time, even trying her old maid ruse, from she should have known from experience that it never worked properly.

But again, details. After all, none of the Black Bulls had ever noticed anything. Well, most of them rarely used their brains and those who would usually won’t mentioned it, but well, this was just a detail.

She was contradicting herself a lot, wasn’t she?

Noelle sighed. Maybe she should stop expecting the worst, she had nothing to worry about, after all. But she was a Silva, she couldn’t stop overthinking. It was habit she never really lost, even with the Black Bulls. Maybe she needed a pep talk from Vanessa, but no one had seen her this morning.

Normally, Noelle would assume that Vanessa would be drunk in a bar. But given what she had learned last week about her brother and her squadmate… Hopefully Vanessa had spent the night with Nozel, this was far healthier than drinking all night long.

But now that she thought about that, Noelle was freaking out again. Because in a week, she was still processing the fact that Vanessa and Nozel were a couple.

Just as she was starting another round around the bush of roses, one of the two love birds appeared.

Nozels face was like usual unreadable, but there was something faintly glowing in his eyes. Anticipation? Fear? Excitement? Noelle couldn’t tell.

“Nozel, hi.”

“Good morning, Noelle.”

And they fell silent.

It was so awkward. Way more awkward than their other meeting, who were still comfy. It was like no one knew what to tell the other.

Finally, Nozel coughed a bit, which was definitely the sign that he was embarrassed. Still Noelle was a bit jealous that unlike he didn’t get all of his face red when flustered, only the cheeks.

“I… well, I have something to tell you.”

His cheeks became even more red. Noelle hold in a breath. So was it really, really about his relationship with Vanessa?

“I have the suspicion that you might already have an idea about what it is.”

Now her face was surely perfectly matching Zora’s hair colour.

“You mean… about you… and Vanessa?”

Nozel didn’t answered. He didn’t need to anyway. The way he was looking away, his cheeks colouring a deep red and how he awkwardly coughed were answer enough.

He was clearly as embarrassed as she was. Noelle never ever saw her brother this flustered before. And despite she couldn’t help but find him so cute like that. It was really touching.

“Goodness, you’re both so bad at this. No wonder, you’re siblings after all.”

Noelle actually jumped as Vanessa appeared too, giggling and also flustered, but not as much as Nozel and herself.

Looking at her squadmate, Noelle couldn’t help but notice how happy she looked. Especially when Vanessa looked at Nozel, it was like she was shining. And her brother had a small, but gorgeous smile when she took his hand. She never seen him with that kind of smile. It suited him.

“Well, sweetie. I would love to say surprise, but it seems that you knew already without us telling you, right?”

“Yes, I… saw you once… one morning last week. On the northside of the hideout.”

“Oopsie. And I thought that no one would see us on that side. Guess I was wrong,” Vanessa giggled. Noelle couldn’t tell if she was just as nervous as the two siblings or more enjoying the situation rather than being flustered.

It would have been maybe situation to tease, but Noelle was honestly not in the mood right now. She was still processing – which took really its sweet time – and once this was more or less over, she’d rather want to show her happiness first. Because, her older brother, with whom her bond become really better, with one of her best friends, who helped her a lot with so many things and still was… why wouldn’t she, of all people, not be happy?

“Well and… just so you know… I smelled your scents on each other.”

“And here I thought that this would be less of a problem, compared to other details,” Nozel sighed with a tiny smile. Noelle couldn’t help but frown. Was her brother attempting some humour?

“Seems we weren’t as cautious as we thought, especially you, little Eagle,” Vanessa teased, pocking his cheek gently. Nozel just blushed while looking away.

Noelle smiled. It was a sight to see her brother getting gently teased, even unbothered by it.

“Well, I don’t think that those lavender and rose scents would give you away. Even though it was bothering me, I only connected the dots after I saw you together.” She better kept quiet about how she even saw them kissing, passionately kissing, because that thought still flustered her a lot. “I promise I won’t tell anyone about you. Only when you’re finally ready to come out of secrecy. Even though it might be long and difficult.”

“You’re right.” Nozel let go of Vanessa to come to Noelle, taking her hands in his. “We will need to fight to be together and given how nobles and royals usually views those relationship, it won’t be easy. We will come out of secrecy slowly, step by step. We don’t want to take any unnecessary risks that could separate us.”

“Even you, Vanessa?” Noelle asked her squadmate, rather puzzled. Usually Vanessa wasn’t so cautious when it came to love. But then again, it was her own romance this time and it was with Nozel, a royal captain and a royal Head of House of all people…

“Even me, sweetie. It is a bother, all this complicated things about status and classes and such. Don’t get me wrong, I still think all this crap is unnecessary. But I’m not naïve about all of this anymore. I know now how rumours can hurt more than they should, I know how most nobles would view me at your brothers side. But I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to lose what we have. He makes me happy and I won’t give our story up without a fight.”

Noelle had rarely seen Vanessa this openly determined. And it was about Nozel! He turned towards her squadmate and the smile he gave was surely something Noelle wanted to see more often on her brothers face.

She would help them. They deserved it and they deserved each other. Noelle was also ready to fight, so that Nozel and Vanessa would got their happiness at the end.

“I’m really happy. Well, it was a lot to process and I still need a bit to get used of you two being, well, lovers. But I’m really happy for you.” Noelle took a deep breath, because there was another thing she wanted to say. “It is also a relief for me.”

“A relief?”

Taking another deep breath, she locked eyes with her older brother. He needed to know. “I was really worried about you, Nozel. Well, I know that you would have been able to sacrifice yourself into an arranged marriage, so that Nebra, Solid and myself would be free. I hated that thought. Of you being unhappy in marriage while I’m free to choose who I want to grow old with… I would never accept a happiness for which yours had to be sacrificed.”

Nozel just looked at her, puzzled. Knowing him, he might have never considered this. Well, now he knows and it was a good thing. He needed to.

“See? I told you that she hates that thought,” Vanessa said. It didn’t sound like teasing. More soft and caring. Actually, she was perfect for Nozel.

“But now you’re with Vanessa. You’re happy and you won’t sacrifice your happiness for ours anymore. That’s why I’m relieved. Nozel, you deserve to be happy and I’m sure mother would agree with me.”

Noelle never would have thought to see gratitude in her brothers eyes one day. But there it was. Gratitude, a little sadness because she mentioned her mother and the most of brotherly affection he ever shown to her. It made Noelle so happy.

Nozel tightened his hold on her hands, sighing softly, before he spoke again, “Thank you, Noelle. It really means a lot to me, to us. But still, I have no intention to marry you, Nebra and Solid away. You’re free to choose who you want to marry, if you want. It’s might be also a difficult road for you, depending what your choice may be. But I swear to you, whoever your partner will be, you will have my support.”

Whoever her partner will be… Did Nozel actually know about her feelings for Asta?

No, that was actually impossible. But his words made Noelle realize something. If, no, as soon as Nozel and Vanessa would win their fight, that would mean that Asta and her would have a chance as well! Okay, she still needed to tell her idiot her feelings, to admit it in general and she was still not ready. But since her brother took that step already with Vanessa, despite knowing her not as long than Noelle had known Asta and since he’ll support her, then she would definitely surpass that limit of hers.

But not today. Today, she would just be happy for Nozel and Vanessa.

“Thank you, big brother.”

Noelle didn’t even hesitated to hug him and she even let out a happy squeal as her brother pulled her tightly against him. It was the first time that hugging each other didn’t felt awkward at all.

They were all silent for a moment, before Vanessa happily sighed. “Ah, right now you are definitely the cutest siblings ever… Can you make some room, please? I want a hug too!”

Nozel chuckled and one of his arms let go of Noelle to pull Vanessa against them.

So here they were, all three, in a hidden corner of the Silva flower garden, hugging each other and being happy.

Being hold by her older brother and her best friend, Noelle was just happy. Happy for Nozel and Vanessa, happy that she will help them with their relationship, happy that there was hope Asta and herself, happy that her brother won’t sacrifice himself into an arranged marriage. Happy that he found love with one of her squadmates. Happy that Vanessa fell in love with her brother.

Well, I have a lot of reasons to be happy, Noelle thought with a smile, as she smelled the mixed scents of lavender and roses

#Black Clover #Black Clover Fanfiction #My Writing ☘️♣️#Noelle Silva #Nozel Silva #Vanessa Enoteca #Noelle & Vanessa #Noelle & Nozel #Nozel x Vanessa #Nozessa #Noelle & Nozel & Vanessa #Little head canon of mine that Nozel has a slight scent of lavender^^'

7 notes · View notes