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#spilled think
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“I believed you even when I knew you were lying.”
- S. C. C.
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canihaveyouback · 2 months
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Was it your eyes, or was it you who lied
They say, "The eyes, they never lie" but what about mine? didnt you notice how much passion they held? They say, "The eyes, they never lie" but what about yours they betrayed me after I saw my world in them. Why did they lie to me? why did they decieve me? was it your eyes, or you, that lied?
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changingmydreams · 2 years
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if my heart’s fucking flooding
all the doors and windows are shutting.
if i have to deal with my brain overflowing,
no one will ever know where the hell im going.
if i have to be stuck with me,
i won’t make anyone see.
cause what you don’t understand
is im not a fucking man or a woman.
i’m a fucking trainwreck,
just ten times worse when you actually check.
because this body isn’t mine,
it’s just a vessel for this time.
my true source is unknown,
but without the seeds i’ve previously sown,
i might not be me at all.
just some bitch you like to call.
fuck meaning, it’s demeaning.
i want to be fucking alone,
cause being with you losers is a freaking groan.
maybe my mind likes to torture me in it’s free time,
but being in your presence is like being stuck in adolescence.
i hate the bitch i used to be but not near as much as the person you made me be just so i could feel free.
fuck you and your fake friends, too.
not like they’ll be crying for you when you miss me, boo.
just know i don’t fucking miss you,
i praise every day cause i wake up with someone new.
please don’t cry to me when you’ve got an issue,
you can lose my number cause i won’t fetch you a tissue.
bitch.
- from the witch <3
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inkskinned · 5 months
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in internet posts it is easy to cut them out of your life. they are hurting you! they aren't listening to you!
they held your hair back. they lent you lipstick. they held your hand at the train station and got you home safe. they rounded on your bully, got loud, said get fucked, spitting-mad in your defense.
they also cut the hair off again. told you that you should really think twice before wearing something like that. took you for granted. took your insecurities and threw them in your face again.
you know logically it should be easy. all the internet advice comments always read it will feel better. like an equation - if a person is rotten, you just remove them. you pull the tooth that's hurting.
but it was never a big flare-up moment. you don't live in a sitcom. they never tried to take your boyfriend or steal from your apartment. they showed up to birthdays and they wrote songs about you and bring you water without you asking. once you found out they carry an emergency inhaler for you, even though you haven't had an asthma attack in years - just in case.
where is the line? people fuck up. sometimes they fuck up badly. sometimes people have raw personalities, like a powerline, and being around them is dangerous. addicting. sometimes they can't help themselves, but you know they're trying. sometimes they are just rough-around-the-edges. sometimes they don't even realize how they sounded when they said that. sometimes it's just - you've both loved each other for so long now, the way this thing hurts goes back to the root.
and that's the fucked up part. you have pushed your fingers against the sweetheart of memory. things these days are electric, tense, harrowing. they didn't used to be. there were a lot of good days in there. sometimes you want to just close your eyes and say can this be over yet? do we still need to be fighting?
doing that would give up any chance you get of getting an apology, but you don't always know that you need an apology, you love them. once they flaked on your birthday party. once they told you to get over it, people are always dying. they also let you crash on their couch for a week after the breakup, handfeeding you when you were so sad you couldn't eat. they are also judgmental about everything, occasionally react to banal statements with an attitude that is weird and fiery. they also love you like a lighthouse sometimes, so strong they cut the storm like lightning.
but the problem is that you might be storm. you might be the thing that needs breaking. what if you are two forces who are desperately, horribly drawn to each other, shaped by the other person's passions, and both good for each other and bad in equal measure.
what if you're both just people, and you're no saint neither.
just cut them off! swallowing the saltwater, you catch yourself in the mirror. you've been shaking more than usual. there's an ache in you that is oblique, loud, impossible to soothe. is this what it looks like? when life is "easier"?
your mouth will always have a hole, is the thing, if you remove the tooth.
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I wonder if anyone ever fantasizes about having a life with me.
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davidtennan-t · 4 months
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the way the Doctor stopped himself when he got angry with Donna, walked away, put his hands up looking guilty af and apologised? Lives rent free in my head
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y2kaee · 3 months
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jojo-the-bird · 2 months
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I think I’m depriving myself of the life I could have to the life I make myself believe I’m bound to.
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maxiglow · 13 days
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be addicted to real dopamine
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be in the present and notice those little things you never saw before, but that have always been there
experience new exciting things that bring you joy
love people, listen to them and create meaningful connections
make art and don’t label it as “good” or “bad,” just let your soul be free
stop scrolling on social media and start turning pages of an interesting book
do mindfulness meditation and feel your body and mind calming down
move your body, no matter how as long as you’re enjoying
listen to music that matches the moment you’re in
eat nourishing food, feel your stomach full without discomfort
get a good night of sleep and feel yourself ready for another day
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felineandhustle · 1 month
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“Do you have any idea of how many little things remind me of you everyday?”
- S. C. C.
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palestinegenocide · 3 months
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Everyday I think about Gaza
When I go to bed, warm and comfortable. I think about the freezing people in tents who barely have scraps to keep them alive
When I take a shower, unafraid of the water stopping or going cold. I think of the people in gaza who havent showered for months and barely have clean drinking water.
When I watch my brother play with his race cars and my sister with her dolls, I think about the children, who despite all their hardships still find ways to smile and play
When we sit down to eat dinner, never having to fear food on the table the next day. I think about the starving mothers who can't feed her children and the older siblings walking miles to feed his siblings. I think about the people who died of starvation. I think about the people of gaza
When I go to my school where my friends chat and my teachers teach, I think about the universities demolished and the aspiring students who are no more
When my parents leave for a few hours and I take care of my siblings, I know they'll be back in a while to take over. But what about the teenagers turned parents? What about the orphans caring for toddlers? What about the children in gaza
Every day I think about the hopeful people of Palestine. The brave people of Palestine. The relentless people of Palestine. The stubborn and beautiful people of Palestine.
When I look at my house, the buildings, the sky, the water, my family, the lights, the sun, the internet, the food, my school, my friends, the children, the parks, the birds, the cats, the toy stores, the supermarkets, the bustling crowds, the heavy traffic
my world so full of life...
I think about Gaza
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fuckingwhateverdude · 6 months
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10.18.23
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inkskinned · 3 months
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yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."
i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.
the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.
mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.
later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.
sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.
but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.
i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.
every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.
wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?
the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:
he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.
every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.
mahler's fifth still makes me sick.
give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.
give me back what you took from me.
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Aren’t you tired of the space between us?
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