Muse
When the leaves turned brown, I painted you in pastel colours.
Gentle pinks and soft blues reminded me of you.
They reminded me of the flowers you used to tell me about, of the skies you used to photograph.
I still look at the sky and wonder what you’re doing on the other side.
I still see your face in the trees and I still hear your voice when the wind blows.
I got a new canvas today. I want to paint you again.
After all this time, you’re still my muse.
But you left a long time ago.
You left, and I’m still here.
-
© poet-with-a-pen 2023 // DO NOT STEAL/REPOST
Feedback appreciated!
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I wonder about you:
I wonder what you think when you see my name
Sneaking on the edges of your screen but never into bed
I wonder if everything still reminds you of the same
because maybe you left in peace but you tore down a masterpiece
I wonder how you're doing in that cursid game
I lie awake thinking about everything we had and never said
and I wonder if we'll ever be the same
will you truly look and see my quiet fighting with silent screaming
hands out reaching reaching, pleading
would you ever take them again, take them to build up a home we made again, build somewhere I was safe with you
I wonder if you feel this too
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To the bastard
who probably won't even
see this
because they never took
an interest
in the things
that were important to me anyway
-
I'll preface this by saying: I love you
Now that I have the hard part out of the way:
I hate you
-
Really, I fucking hate you
-
I hate you for how you never took an interest
in things that were important to me
I hate you for when you stopped celebrating
even my hugest wins
I hate you for losing interest in me and my life,
and for your lies, and for making me feel crazy
for seeing through them
I hate you for how you made me feel like there
was something wrong with me,
and sat back and watched as I spent
day and night
tearing myself apart to try and
snuff it out
-
I hate you for making me feel like a moster
for my needs while pressuring me
to meet yours
I hate you for punishing me when I didn't sacrifice myself to make you comfortable
because you were always
such a fucking coward
I hate you for telling me you never loved me,
or cared about me in any meaningful way
I hate you for backtracking on that and acting like you can't make up your fucking mind
I hate you for making everything about you
I hate you for making it out like your abuse
and detachment was because
you couldn't handle
me needing to tend to things in my life
that weren't you
-
I hate you for leaving me when I needed you the most
I hate you for deleting over five years of history
like it was
nothing
I hate you for making me feel like
I was
nothing
I hate you because I was
nothing
but a fun little
toy
you put a ring on
I hate you for making everything my fault.
I hate you
because I can't even recognize you anymore.
I hate you because you gave me something
to live for and took it away
I hate you for all your fucking lies
I hate you for manipulating me
I hate you for leading me on
-
I hate you for breaking me down when
I gave you a second chance you didn't
even deserve
I hate you for making the failure of your
second chance
out to be my fault too
I hate you for never taking accountability
I hate you for leaving me crying and throwing up
I hate you for putting me back into a depressive relapse
I hate you for not caring when I was hurt
I hate you for not caring when I was sick
I hate you for not caring when I was struggling or in crisis
I hate you for not caring
when I wasn't ok
I hate you because
when you said "bye forever"
I still wanted to say "bye, I love you"
-
...
-
I hate you
I just fucking hate you
I hate you for all this pain
I hate you for using me
I hate you for how much you took from me
I hate you because you knew how this
would affect me
I hate you for using your knowledge
of my trauma
to reopen all my wounds
I hate you for breaking me
I hate you because all I still want
is a hug, an apology,
and a promise that
everything's going to be ok,
that you didn't mean it,
that we could fix this...
-
...
-
...To the asshole
who probably won't even
see this
because they never really
gave a fuck about me
at all anyway: Fuck you.
-
Fuck you for everything.
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I woke up today with an ache in my soul. A reminder of the things you planted in my brain and left deep-rooted to overgrow like a wildfire. Time is the only healer of a broken heart but what do they say for those with broken souls? What about those of us who aren’t necessarily heart-broken, but in a constant loop, replaying the mistakes of the ghosts of our pasts, who’ve left deep scars in the most beautiful parts of ourselves. What do we have to say for those of us who are so sure that we’ve rid ourselves of the lingering aches left by those who took a knife to our hearts, only to wake up one day and feel as if we’re reliving it all over again. How is it that when all is said and done, those who’ve left us with a distorted self-image and a life time of questions, are the ones who walk away unscathed. I suppose my point is, how am i okay when i’m not okay at all.
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