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xpeterstarkx · 2 years

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jason: who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

steph: >:O language

damian: yeah, watch your fucking language

dick: okay, who taught damian the fuck word?

cass: 'the fuck word'.

tim: are you foolish? you guys use the f word all the time

damian: oh my god, timothy censored it

cass: say fuck, tim.

damian: do it, timothy. say fuck.

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vodrae · 5 months

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Rich pregnant socialite: So we went to this clinic and let them manipulate our genes so we're 100% sure our child won't have any disease, he will have my hair and his father eyes and so much things we did for him! And you Bruce ?

Brucie: Found em in the trash. Except Tim, he found me in the trash.

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lustwithoutlore · 2 months

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After a mission…

Dick: I can’t wait to go home, have a bowl of cereal, and go to sleep.

Duke: Lucky, I have patrol in like, two hours. No sleep for me. What’re you going to do when you get home, Jason?

Dick: Wait! Let me guess. Crack open a beer, order in Chinese food, and fall asleep on the couch watching a gritty action movie.

Jason, fully planning on having a lavender scented bubble bath while drinking vanilla earl grey tea and watching Pride and Prejudice: … Something like that.

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goodoldfashionedengineer · 1 month

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The only time when all the batkids will work together in perfect harmony is to prank Bruce.

And for the best prank all they needed was a few label makers.

Labels are put on everything.

On every mug, on every plate, on every bandaid package.

The chocolate bars are labeled "BatSnack".

The fruits become "Batana", "Batricot" and "Batermelon".

Every button on the microwave, every key on the keyboard, it all gets a label.

"Batstop button", "Batstart button", "Bat-A-key", Bat-Enter-key".

Bruce's desk isn't simply the "Batdesk". It is the "Batwood construction surface".

There is a label beneath the desk too.

Originally named "underside of Batwood construction surface".

It takes days, weeks, months to remove all the labels.

Until one day, when Bruce makes a few new installations in the cave.

Surely some higher being is laughing at him right now, Bruce thinks, as he pulls of the last one.

"Batceiling"

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yjcorefourenjoyer · 3 months

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AU that the batkids are all serious and bat-like ONLY WHEN BATMAN ISN’T AROUND

Like when they’re on their own team/out of Gotham? Most respected, calm and serious person there. They have a plan and it will work. “Oh yeah I memorized all the exits and people here the second I entered, you didn’t?” That’s them.

But in Gotham w/ Batman? Pranks galore and singing on patrol, they forget to sleep and forget to eat. When Batman tells them their gonna have a longer patrol they all sigh and complain while trying to give other siblings their work in exchange for doing that sibling’s chore.

But nobody knows that they act like that!! Batman would say something like

“Gosh my kids blew something up I have to go,”

AND EVERYONE WHOSE EVER MET THEM IS ALL CONFUSED LIKE “BUT THEIR A BAT?!?! HUH??!”

and Batman would respond

“Oh yeah you know them, always doing something their not supposed to”

JL: “NO?!”

#Batman #dick grayson #Jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #cassandra cain #batkids #batboys #batman au #dc comics #batfam #batfamily #justice league #incorrect dc quotes #incorrect batfam

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galaxymagitech · 2 months

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Jason: Hey, Alfie! Which of us was the least crazy as a kid?

Bruce: Let’s face it. None of us were easy children. I dropped out of college and then dropped off the grid. Dick was a menace—

Jason: Nah, Dick’s the Golden Boy.

Bruce: He wanted to single-handedly hunt down a powerful criminal and thought the entire manor was a trapeze.

Dick: Well, Jason was like the perfect kid.

Bruce: He ran away, died, and started murdering people.

Jason: Fair. But the Replacement’s your perfect little soldier, isn’t he?

Bruce: He stalked me, he says incredibly concerning things with no idea how concerning he sounds, he started YOUNG JUSTICE, I—

Damian: Batgirl III is boring. Surely she was easy to deal with?

Bruce: Are you kidding me? She got pregnant and started a gang war!

Steph: Guilty as charged. But Duke’s the normal one, so—

Bruce: You started a gang war? Duke started a gang!

Damian: I’m the perfect heir.

Bruce: You’re an assassin who is currently attempting to turn my house into a zoo. And you keep trying to murder Tim.

Jason: Eh, we’ve all been there. Except Cass. Cass hasn’t tried to murder anyone.

Bruce: Cass tried to fight Lady Shiva to the death, despite refusing to kill. Cass is not well-adjusted either.

Cass: Barbara is good.

Bruce: No, she keeps hacking the Batcomputer. And she’s dating my son. Honestly I have no idea how I’m still sane.

Alfred: I’m afraid your sanity is very much in question, Master Bruce.

#batman #incorrect batman quotes #dc comics #dc #dcu #alfred pennyworth #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #duke thomas #damian wayne #barbara gordon #incorrect batfamily quotes #incorrect dc quotes #humor

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incorrectbatfam · 11 days

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Bruce: *sees Gotham in chaos on his day off*

Bruce: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my—

Bruce: *realizes it's his kids causing chaos*

Bruce: My circus my monkeys! My circus my monkeys!

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tims-missing-spleen · 1 month

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I remember seeing someone say that Bruce wouldn't deny the Batman allegations. Like he will proudly tell everyone he is most definitely the Batman whenever he's asked, and it would actually do wonders with keeping the secret hidden.

Like it would be more suspicious than anything if billionaire playboy Brucie Wayne so adamantly denied any connection to the vigilante.

And yeah, so i was thinking what would his kids think about it? like they get asked during interviews and whatnot what they think about their dad being Batman.

I feel like Dick would just play along and say some shit like "if B is Batman, then I'm Nightwing" and get a look from the man

And Jason would take any opportunity to shit on B and say something along the lines of "B's Batman? I call bullshit. He's not even a man"

Tim would either:

a. pull up a 99 slided presentation about how Bruce Wayne is, in fact, NOT Batman and be internally laughing the whole time cause he is funny, and people just dont know what they're talking about.

Or b. (only when he's been up for a few days) confirm it and go "Well yes, of course he is. It'd be weird if he wasn't since the cave's under the house."

Cassandra would just smile and stare into the person's soul until they move on onto the next question.

Steph would deny it and claim that she's Batman and that Bruce is her Robin. She'd probably also manage to convince a few people to join her.

Duke would be like "He's Batman? Ohhh that explains the explosives I found in the cellar!" or something else, just as worrying.

Damian would just nod and go into a full length speech about how Batman is the best superhero (after Nightwing of course) and completely disregard the question. And before anyone can re-ask, he'd just walk off.

#batfam incorrect quotes #bruce wayne #batfam #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #duke thomas #damian wayne #idk what else to tag #dc comics #batman

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blackbirdi · 2 months

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Batfam Incorrect Quotes #11

Kidnapper: I have one of you children.

Bruce: Which one? I have six (legal ones).

Kidnapper: The loud, annoying, one with black hair.

Bruce: Which one? I have six (legal ones).

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theaceofarrows · 2 months

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Jason: You know how you're all always going on about how Dick is the "best, nicest, most responsible older brother"?

Tim: Vaguely

Steph: Sorta

Damian: Tt

Duke: Ehh

Cass: [nods]

Jason: Well, I call bullshit. He wasn't like that almost a decade ago with me. He was an asshole

Dick: [sputters] I'll admit I wasn't completely thrilled about you at first, but name one time I was irresponsible with you

Jason: That time you were teaching me how to use the trapeze while Bruce was out of town, and I fractured my wrist

Dick: Yeah? And I took you to the ER, so what?

Jason: Under occupation on the hospital paperwork you wrote "failed acrobat"

[Everyone bursts into laughter]

Dick: Was I wrong?! You did not get the move down, you failed. I.e. FAILED acrobat

Jason: [turns to everyone and gestures to Dick] See? Ass Hole

#jason todd #dick grayson #tim drake #stephanie brown #duke thomas #damian wayne #cassandra cain #dick and jason #incorrect batfamily quotes #batboys #batfamily #batfam #this is so long #i'm tired

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xpeterstarkx · 2 years

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cass: the floor is lava!

tim: *helps steph onto the counter*

damian: *kicks dick off the sofa*

jason: *lays on the floor*

cass: ...are you okay?

jason: no.

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vodrae · 2 months

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Jason: Man I was born in the wrong era

Barbara: Oh ? Where would you go ? Roman Empire ? Golden Age of pirates ?

Jason: Far West, when you'd be a hero by shooting bad guys.

Barbara: Jason !

Steph: Y'know, you ain't a tree. You can move. Kidnap rogues and kill them in countries without proper justice system.

Barbara: Stephanie !

Tim: Or you just could go to the no man's land in Yellowstone park or the four corners.

Barbara: Timothy !

Dick: Quite frankly if you drop Joker's body in Bludhaven we won't waste time on it.

Barbara: Richard !

Damian: There would be an investigation only if there is a body.

Barbara: Damian !

Cassandra: Cassandra !

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poppingaround · 2 months

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Jason: Today I’ll be teaching how to stop using anti-self language.

Dick: I’m listening.

Jason: Instead of saying “I messed up.” say “Why don’t you stop me.”

Damian: Hm.

Damian: Instead of saying “You’re great.” say “You’re a higher stepping stone for me.”

Jason: You got it.

Dick: I don’t think that’s right…

Cass: Instead of saying “I’m sorry.” say “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Jason: Exactly.

Dick: Not exactly.

Tim: Instead of saying “People should control the government.” say “I should control the entire world.”

Jason: Hell yeah.

Steph: Instead of saying “I’m not funny.” say “I alone decide what is funny.”

Duke: Instead of saying “Thank you.” say “ ”

Jason: Damn that’s good.

Jason: Your turn.

Dick: …Fine, instead of saying “I was wrong.” say “You are wrong.”

Jason: Well there’s still room to improve but it’s alright.

#jason todd #dick grayson #damian wayne #cassandra cain #tim drake #stephanie brown #duke thomas #batfam #batfam incorrect quotes #dc #from a meme post I saw on Instagram lol

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p1nkshield · 10 months

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I made a post earlier about how Dick should have taught Damian to use his baby face to his advantage and someone said he would teach all of his siblings. So here is the aftermath. A task force specifically designed to bring Bruce down.

Dick: Hey B, I was wondering if we could borrow the Batmobile for the weekend?

Bruce: … [no]

Dick: Pretty please I promise it will be in one piece when I give it back!

Bruce: Hnn. [Still no]

Dick: Fine then, you’ve forced my hand. ATTACK!

Tim steps forward, yawning and promising to try and sleep properly.

Bruce loses two health points.

Duke is next in the initiative order.

Duke: It would be fun!

The full power of the sun shines through his smile.

Bruce falters but passes a quick time event in his head, only losing another two health points.

Cass steps up to the plate.

Cass: I would like to go on an outing with my siblings, it sounds fun.

CRITICAL HIT!

Bruce is starting to sweat as a total of ten health points are swept away by the fact cass considers them family.

Damian decides to use his special attack! Holding the target’s sleeve makes it especially effective!

Damian: Baba, please?

A whopping fifty points! BRUCE IS HANGING ON BY A THREAD!

Jason: c’mon Dad.

Fatality

Bruce: fine.

Dick: Great job team!

Damian: yes, we got the Batmobile successfully. I will drive.

Dick: No-

#Damian: brother please?#Dick: No no no. I taught you that you can’t turn it on me!#dick grayson #jason todd #bruce wayne #incorrect batfamily quotes #damian wayne #tim drake #duke thomas #cassandra cain #batfam #dc comics

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galaxymagitech · 2 months

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Bruce, to his Robins: You are my emotional support children.

Dick: Imma commit murder! Chandeliers are my new trapeze! Dating an alien princess sounds like a great idea!

Jason: An abandoned apartment in Crime Alley is a perfectly fine place to live! *dies* Why won’t you kill the Joker, huh? Huh?!?

Tim: Me and my friends are gonna go cause several international incidents. See ya!

Steph: So, like, what if I started a gang war?

Damian: Drake insulted Batcow’s honor! He will perish by my blade! Murder is acceptable! Can we adopt chickens?

Duke: Wdym jumping off bridges isn’t a reasonable tactic? Quit being such a buzzkill!

Bruce, sighing: …and you are also the reason I need emotional support children in the first place.

#incorrect batman quotes #batman #dc comics #dcu #dc #incorrect quotes #incorrect batfamily quotes #batfamily #batfam #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #duke thomas #damian wayne #incorrect dc quotes

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incorrectbatfam · 4 months

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Dick: You really put everything aside and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Cassandra: Several traffic violations.

Jason: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Tim: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Damian: Also, that’s not our car.

Duke: I have never been so terrified in my life.

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