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florelia12 · 1 year

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So I’ve been thinking a lot about avoidant attachment styles since I’ve discovered I fall under that category like our beloved Helia hence an essay on his avoidant attachment style:

Its no secret that i love the comics and the Helia arc in The Trial comics. I think what I love about that comic is how florelia’s relationship is developed and depicted.

So, one of the characteristic of an avoidant is deciding to end a relationship without really communicating why. Helia did that to Flora after deciding that she deserved better than how he treated her, and that he wasn’t good enough for her or for red fountain. He decided for the both of them that this wasn’t going to work out because he’s not good enough. Flora didn’t get to have a say or to even confirm whether that was true because he just waltzed right out of there and cut contact.

So, he leaves and like decides to not contact anyone. After a few days of crying, Flora managed to contact him…He starts by saying that he doesn’t want to talk but she cuts him off and says I get it if you don’t want to be around me right now. “I accept that even if i don’t understand.”

When she offers her help to find him a place to stay, it was her offering the help without any strings. Which was why he took it (he was also kinda desperate). After he says yes, she even says okay thats it you can hang up if you want without forcing him to talk about whats wrong.

Then its Helia who speaks up and says hey this is kind of why im behaving this way. She senses an opening and tries asking if they can fix things. He’s not ready yet and so he says no, which she respects and hangs up the phone.

Flora then finds him once he’s settled down. Now, this could have been a manipulative move. Her taking advantage of the fact that he had no choice but to take up the rental room that she found for him so that she can force him out of his self-imposed exile and force a conversation.

However, when Helia tries to apologise because its the decent thing to do, Flora stops him and says he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to. She recognises his need for space right but also knows that he needs a friend right now. So, she offers exactly that and Helia accepts it.

This may seem contradictory since why is he accepting help when he’s an avoidant who’s hyper independent and wants to be able to meet his own needs. But, the reason people become avoidant is because at some crucial point in their life, their emotional needs weren’t met and the only way they could receive that was by seeking it out themselves, something that requires a lot of energy that unfortunately ends up with them not having any energy left to help meet someone else’s needs.

But, what Flora did was meet his needs while letting him know she didn’t expect anything in return. This takes a weight off his shoulders, and he feels secure enough with her promises to accept her help. Because right now, there is no expectation on him that he needs to meet which is the exact thing he ‘ran’ away (expectations he’s worried he can’t fulfil).

Then they’re okay for a while, and they can go on dealing with the matters at hand which is fixing up his apartment.

After a while, when things are going okay and he feels safe and secure. Helia opens up to her. They communicate. She understands.

Then comes the moment that didn’t really sit well with me at first but now I kind of understand.

At first I felt like why is she asking him about their relationship when he’s clearly going through hell about something else, isn’t that a little selfish when she said she’s okay if they don’t talk about it?

But, then I realised that Helia’s needs were met when Flora gave him the space he needed and accepted and understood him.

Right now…She’s asking for reassurance. She feels secure enough with him to ask for reassurance because she needs it right now.

This expectation, its a normal reaction. Its not her asking for something unreasonable. Even the way she phrases it is, do you want to end things? Is this what you need?

Not, oh lets get back together or why did you do that to me. Not blaming him for his actions. ( She even said she forgave him ). Not victimising herself.

Since Helia’s needs were met and he feels secure enough right now, he was able to meet her needs and so he offers her the reassurance she needed.

Which was this iconic moment…

I almost forgot the important part but when conflict strikes again…

Helia receives sus information about Flora and is struggling to figure out whether to believe it or not. Because he’s been tricked once, and now its happening again? Is he gullible? Is he the problem? He’s not good enough is he? A good specialist won’t fall for tricks so easily, right?

Flora senses the struggles and approaches, she’s panicky so she kind of starts seeking reassurance like what’s wrong? What’s going on? Talk to me!

This time he doesn’t walk away, he doesn’t avoid. He feels safe. He knows he can trust her because she’s proven that he is safe with her. He can trust his own instincts. Even if he was gullible, he made a mistake and trusted the wrong thing again, he knows he can communicate it with Flora because he feels safe enough to do it.

He reassures her that he trusts her. Then, they solve the problem. Together.

I just absolutely love this entire arc because its a realistic and somewhat healthy way of being in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

I’ve been seeing alot about this avoidant/attachment style and majority of it just straight up villainises the avoidant. I even saw someone say that “anxious people are expected to accommodate avoidants but avoidants aren’t really expected to accommodate for the anxious partner.” Which will always be true in some cases but is not what the general avoidant or anxious attachment style actually needs.

Its not exactly space that the avoidant needs (thats the coping mechanism), its safety and security. Just like someone with an anxious attachment style. Seeking reassurance is their coping mechanism, the solution is the safety and security that is offered. Accommodating someone’s coping mechanism is never a long-term solution, only healing can give you the peace you need.

Now, i did use to think that Flora had an anxious attachment style but I think she’s more secure. Like she needs reassurance, she struggles with her insecurities. But, you don’t really see her actively seeking it out very often. She understands most of the time when people want to be left alone. While she might struggle to give herself the reassurance she needs, she understands when someone else can’t give it to her at that moment.

Is she avoidant, on the other hand…i might have to sit on that a little but I’d love to know if anyone has any thoughts on that:)

This whole thing is so hard to navigate but people can sure learn a thing or two from fictional characters.

#the way I had such a hard time #trying to figure out my thoughts about attachment styles #until I could only really understand when its under Winx club context #says a lot doesnt it #but helia this is why i love you #but i hate you because why are you so much like me huh?#im going to put this in the tags because I don’t want to piss off any musa/riven shippers #but one reason why muri have quite a few relationships struggles is because they have a sort of trauma bond in my opinion?#like Riven is an avoidant and Musa has an anxious attachment style #when that happens they kind of just tend to trigger each other when conflict arises #thats not very healthy and its not doing either of them any good #but then they are also a good example of why avoidant attachment styles gets villainised #because Riven is always written off as the problem #and as someone who doesn’t meet Musa needs #but Musa isn’t that great at communicating either #i love them and I love how they heal from that but the way they heal #is by feeling more secure in themselves #which is truly the only way to get past these attachment issues #not expecting an avoidant to accommodate the anxious partner or vice versa #which is necessary yes but not what can really help both parties heal and feel safe and happy

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bailadeluna · 1 year

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how am i supposed to network with an avoidant attachment style ?

#avoidant attachment #attachment styles #someone help #psychology #networking #howwww #like how tho #anxious avoidant #anxious attachment #secure attachment

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el-velvis · 4 months

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Adam x reader (hazbin hotel)

How you two met

Headcanons:

¦ First part ¦

The time that you passed with Adam were now really less than the first times, he noticed that and tried to cheer you up in every way, but he had an big... BIG ego, so that means that in public mostly and in private he was more Attached to you, he made more maschilist jokes and at the same time gave you a lot of gifts, you were going crazy...

Even if you didn't noticed that but he was really afraid of you in every way, your beautiful hair and your beautiful eyes that always looked up at him when he get closer, your wings that twich every time that he put a hand on you or just innocently Pinch your cheek to annoyed you, all of that big carcather that he has to carry on is just because his in reality very selfconscious, he never had more than two Women, ève and lilith that left him for lucifer.. After that he just tried to became stronger even if he liked someone he couldn't just show it as a normal person do, unfortunately...

One day he wanted to finally ask you out for real this time, so he prepared with the help of Lute a love letter, "looks like a child made this sir" Lute said smirking a bit "OH FUCK YOU LUTE! Im trying here bitch!", a little plushie that looked... Like him because when he was at work he thought that you would be alone for long so with that you would feel... Always.. his presence.. And a ring... The best part... It was a bright one.. Brought for This occasion, he was really anxious...

He was all prepared and wanted then to find you and make you the biggest happy person alive, he wanted to love you every day and make you feel alive... But... You weren't always around... Or maybe you weren't around as you used to.

He noticed that you tried always to walk away If by pure chance he crosses paths with you changed your path, at first he thought it was a coincidence but as he went on he understood that you wanted to move away, why? Why you too? What had he done wrong?... He didn't know but after some time he finally found you and wanted to confront you and understand what was going on...

He found you in the library of the church where all of angels and part of Heaven go to study.

Your paranoia was getting bigger and bigger, "why me?"... "surely he'll just want to use me"... "he's not what you think, he doesn't really love you, he's Adam the first man on heart, every girl are on his knees for him he'd never choose someone like me"...

Adam Fly all the way here and decided to talk with you, obviusly with his style, he entered the library and took a look around, you were obviusly sitting in a table in the corner alone.

He stare at you for a moment and decided to make his entrance "hey bitch what's up with you? You know who i am? You can't just disappear like that", he talked a little too much loud even because someone turned around and stare at you two in a pissed way, you were in a public library After all.

You just stopped reading and were surprised by his presence, he was now towering you with a hand on the table and the other pointed at you, you shush him and You pull it to a more secluded place, "h-hey what the fuck!" you finally looked at him in the eyes and spoke and a trembling sigh came out of your mouth "listen Adam... First of all you can't enter a library like that, and second of all why are you here? Don't you have something better to do?" he looked at you confused and a grin appered on his lips "ohh~ your cunt is in a bad mood today? I can fix that you know Im famous for my to-" you didn't let him finish and started to feel tears coming from your eyes "ENOUGH!" he froze "why you keep doing this?? Why?" your face was turning red "doing what" he whispered a little taken back by your sudden reaction "you always try to flirt with me in some ways and then you treat me like Im just a piece of meat, why you always bother yourself with me uh? Why you can't just leave me, i know that you have millions of girls that maybe are better at that! But im not like one of them! And if you just wanted to be my friend just for that maybe... Im sorry but no... I dont want to continue like this.." a first tear came out.

He was shocked, what did he do wrong? Someone made you think like this? You liked someone else?, in his mind everything was running fast every possibility to understand your sudden reaction, he started to speak again "what.. What does that mean? I never did something like that!" he starting to raise his voice in irritation "i was always the one to make things for you! I always tried to make everything possible what the hell do you think bitch! Im fucking Adam! Im perfect! And you should just appreciate that i choose you!".

You couldn't believe it... He said that, he could have been with someone else if it was not for you... Now is clear... Tears were running down your red cheeks... "oh...so that's why..." you started to cry, he stare at you panicking, you couldn't read his face for the mask "Im just a second.... Or maybe a the last choice for you?"... Your face was now purple and your troath was burning, you could see only a blurry figure in front of you for how much tears were forming... "w-what n-" you didn't want to hear him and so you Fly away faster as you could, you just wanted to Return home and forget all of him...

He was paralyzed.. He didn't know what happened, He had come looking for you to take you out to eat and finally declare himself, and all after a flap of wings disappeared in a second... He was the wrong one? He was the one that made you soffer? How? What did he do wrong?

After that evening he went back home were Lute was waiting "sir how did it go?" he didn't respond and just went to bed, Lute remain a little by his attitude... "sir?" "Fuck off Lute!" she just followed him and sit down on the bed silent.

After a while he looked at her and in a angry and pissed way he storm out "what the hell did i say? Just go away bitch! Go away and leave me alone like the rest of the world!" the last part came out broken... Something broke inside of him... He didn't know what was happening but started to sob in his pillow... "DONT STARE AT ME BITCH! DON'T-.. DON'T LOOK AT ME" She was approaching to hug him, she didn't say anything, she knew that at any moment he would explode..

He was buffering in the pillow and suddenly felt warm, the arms of Lute were around him, he tried to pull away sobbing and pissed "DON'-DON'TOUCH ME... *sob* DON'T... don't..." he lets go and stays in the embrace, and he starts crying and venting about what happened

After he vent for like 2 Hours he stayed like that with tired eyes... "sir... You need to find her and tell her what you feel, but you have to put aside your ego" he just pull away and in a pissed way said "i dont have an ego! And i can't she don't want to see me again after what i did... What i did wrong?" he asked, "sir if i have to be sincere you are always a piece of shit, with every one, you want the attention but can't get Attached with someone because you are afraid you Will lose them.. It's not like this that life works, you need to stand up and finally accept what you are, you are not only Adam.. " he stare at her," yes i am only Adam, the fucking first man that give life to all of them why they can't accept it!", "sir... You are not only that, i observ when you talked with y/n how your face change and how nervous you become, how you want to surprise her with little hand gifts, but too afraid to recieve her compliments.... You are not only Adam.. You are a human sir...", he became flustered and embarassed by the exact description of himself "wherever bitch..." there was a moment of silence... "Lute...?" he whispered "do you think... That... Im in time to go and talk with her?".

Lute push him out of the window "FUCKING FLY FAST SIR" he then fuck her off but was excited scared and all type of emotions he can have and Fly to your house as fast as he can "please don't leave me y/n, please dont leave me y/n please dont leave me y/n".

He finally arrived... He was about to faint from how fast he went, while he was catching his breath he landed on your balcony, and knocked 5 Times, The fifth was a spasm of the lungs.

You were in your bedroom and started to take sleep when you heard 5 knocks on your window... You turn your head to see... "no.." Adam, you were a little susrpised but didn't want to open him, that would be rude so you stand up with a big groan and open slowly the window "what.." you asked in a cold tone.

This was all for the second part, i notice that you really liked the first so i thought that would be interesting put a little angst for this , if you want the third part let me know! Have a great day🫐

#adam x reader #light angst #angst with a happy ending #angst #adamapple #hazbin hotel adam #artists on tumblr #love #hazbin hotel lute #lute #y/n #x reader

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anxiousnerdwritings · 5 months

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Peppermint Anon would like to ask if you have any general yandere headcanons for Duplikate from Invincible? Peppermint Anon understands if you aren't taking requests at this time and thus will humbly apologise.

Yandere Kate Cha/DupliKate Headcanons (general)

You can say goodbye to any and all alone time you once had. All personal space will also be a given with Kate in your life now. You won’t ever be alone again, something Kate promised very early on. A promise she never plans to break.

She is extremely clingy but not physically so, like she isn’t hanging off of you but she is glued to your side, attached to the hip really. She really likes to be in your presence, she feels content, whole even. There isn’t anywhere else she’d rather be than with you.

Kate has no problem monopolizing all of your time, whether it’s her or her clones, she just can’t take someone else having your attention. It’s not like she’s trying to be controlling over what you do or don’t do. You can still do a good majority of what you want but she just wants to be right there along with you while you go about whatever. She gets extremely anxious and on edge when she isn’t with you, no matter how little those times are when she actually is totally away from you. Kate just has a really hard time being able to separate herself from you even for the tiniest amount of time.

She isn’t the most trusting of those around you either, even if they are her own teammates. Kate just can’t willingly put her trust in anyone to be able to protect or care for you like she can. The only one she can really trust you with is herself (i.e. her and her clones). Noboby else is capable or rather worthy enough to be by your side. To take her place.

It starts out small, almost insignificant when Kate first begins occupying your time. At first it’s just her and her alone. Then one clone gets added to the mix, and then another, and another until eventually your entire friend group has all become just Kate. She’s able to isolate you now, the she wanted from so early on. You can still have your ‘friends’ though, of course you can, but Kate will still always be right there. An overseeing presence completely unwavering in her rightful place where she belongs. And she sure as hell is here to stay.

To say Kate can be spoiling is an understatement. She and her clones are extremely attentive towards their darling, no matter the relationship. She wants to make sure her darling is taken care of to the fullest extent and she’s the only one who can ensure that they are. To an extent, Kate’s darling will be handled and tended to like a doll. She and her clones will help her darling get ready; they will assist in dressing you, brushing/styling your hair, picking out and putting your clothes on for you. Kate especially relishes in being able to bathe her darling. Kate’s favorite thing is being able to take a long, hot shower or bath with her darling (platonic or romantic) after a long day, and get them and herself ready for bed, spending the rest of that time with her and her clones all cuddled up together with their darling right in the middle as they sleep the stress of the day away.

Kate doesn’t really do punishments, she never felt she had to. Now that doesn’t mean she’s completely forgone the idea or the necessity of punishments, but as of right now she feels she doesn’t need to go that route. She’s already pretty much monopolized you to just her, the most she may do for a punishment is isolating you even from herself. Even the mere thought of having to do that throws Kate into a near panic attack. She would much rather avoid it altogether but if it’s a must than she knows she can find it in herself to get through it. After all, if it’s what needs to happen to further ‘improve’ your guys’ relationship than so be it. At the end of the day all that matters is you and her, and she’ll do anything to keep it that way.

Now with a romantic obsession, Kate has much more creative forms of punishment for them that she takes full advantage of. She’s much more willing to partake in punishments with her darling in this case. As far as she sees it these kind of punishments bring you and her closer together, she gets to show you just how much you mean to her while still being able to get a point across too. But honestly, she can’t leave her darling without for too long.

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ambassadorarlert · 9 months

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a compilation of some of my personal armin head canons. lmk if i should do another. this is kinda long, sorry not sorry. <33 NSFW 18+ ONLY MDNI

scorpio sun, virgo moon, capricorn rising.

- sun in scorpio: emotional and compassionate / intense and mysterious

- moon in virgo: service minded and shy / analytical and judgmental

- rising in capricorn: loyal and ambitious / unfulfillment and drudgerous

armin is the sweetest person to exist ever

- treats you the way he wants to be treated and more than you ever thought you could ever deserve.

- would rather die first than to hurt your feelings

- and when he does it’s never on purpose and it’s always sorry for it and will try to make up anyway he can

- always goes out of his way to make things easier for you

- his love languages are acts of service, physical touch, and quality time

- if your space is kinda messy he’ll do his best to reorganize and clean up for you

- needs to live in your skin. hugs often. holds your hand any chance he can. plays with your hair. lays in your lap. touchy touchy touchy

- date nights ever weekend, or every other weekend. tries to go somewhere nice and do something grand once in a while.

- he’s too embarrassed for full fledged PDA, but chaste kissing and holding hands is okay.

neurodivergent

- might be on the spectrum. you kinda gotta squint.

- has some kind of sleep disorder like insomnia or parasomnia.

- prone to nightmares

- also has depression, ptsd, anxiety

- does not take medication, like an antidepressant, even though he should

- he tries not to lay around too much when he’s around you or staying at your place, but when he’s alone in his own home he can stay in bed for literal days.

- his grandfather is getting older and his parents died when he was young so he has looming anxiety of death and losing people he loves.

- also has separation anxiety. he’s like one of those howling cats when their owner leaves for work.

- is kind of a picky eater. goes out and orders either alfredo pasta or chicken tenders.

- will stay up rlly rlly late until he can’t stand it

- drools in his sleep so if he’s laying on you, there’s a little wet spot lmao gross

anxious attachment style

- you remind him every single day that you love him, that he’s the only one for you, and that you’re happy in your relationship

- but he just can’t help not feeling adequate and good enough so sometimes his insecurities bleed out into other things.

- it gives him peace of mind that your location is on and he can see where you are.

- he goes through your following almost every day to see if anything has changed.

- will sometimes ask “do you know this guy?” when he sees you’ve gotten a new follower or if someone leaves a comment on one of your pics.

- super cyber stalker. if somebody leaves a nasty comment he can find their full name, place of employment, where they went to school, and their grandma’s facebook.

- he definitely screenshots the ugly stuff and sends it to their family. and says “this is how your offspring talks to people online” and that he “doesn’t appreciate you being treated this way.”

- other ppl would think he’s doing too much and sometimes it is but you know and understand him better than most people ever would.

- goes through your stuff when you’re not there

- he’s not looking for anything in particular, he just likes looking through things and seeing what you have

- smells everything. lotions and body washes. perfumes and hair products. reads the ingredients in your skin care. doesn’t know what any of it does.

- wears your house robe when you’re not there either. walks through the halls like a student at hogwarts.

cares for your animals when you’re gone or need help

- befriends whatever pet you have.

- your aloof and distant cat adores him and crawls in his lap.

- your dog follows him in every room and waits for him outside the bathroom. he cannot escape.

- if the litter box needs to be cleaned, he’ll do it.

- he’ll walk your dog and pick up your yard. might try to teach your dog a few new things.

- he’ll feed whatever you got in your cages or tank and refills all bowls and water

- gives them extra treats and snacks just because

passionate and sensual

- sex isn’t just sex for him. it’s like another way to connect emotionally with one another and be completely vulnerable and experiment with things.

- always has his mind in the gutter and is always down to jump your bones. or have you jump his bones.

- is a switch, equally enjoys being dominant and submissive.

- when he’s being dominant he wants to consume every piece of you. he kisses you everywhere, touches you everywhere, reminds you that you’re his and no one else’s.

- whispers to you about how good you feel around him. how tight you are. he loves the way you sound. he wants to stuff you full of his cock. likes to bend you over and watch how wet you get and watches his cum dripping out of you.

- wants to breed you so bad but alas. birth control.

- tries to convince you to get off of it. that you don’t need it and whatever happens, happens, and that he can support you.

- when he’s submissive, he whines and mews. he’s begging for more, harder, faster, uses his manners and says please and thank you like a good boy <33

- he turns you down most of the time when you wanna suck his dick, but he can never get enough of eating you out.

- his favorite positions are prone bone, doggy, missionary ofc, and when you ride him

- once he’s in sub-space there’s no coming out of it until he cums.

- his bookmarks on twitter is literally all porn, and he likes some weird stuff.

2023. do not copy or repost any work by arlertwitch on any other platform. violators will be prosecuted.

#my writing #armin arlert #armin headcanons #armin x reader #armin x fem reader #armin x male reader #armin x y/n #armin x black reader #armin x you #armin imagine #armin drabble #armin one shot #armin fic #aot #attack on titan

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raisedbythetv89 · 1 year

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To me, I don’t think Buffy or the audience can ever truly know if she’s in love with angel or just in attachment with him. I believe she is just in attachment and especially before innocence and after his encounter with the first, just full on enmeshment with him. No boundaries whatsoever, his pain is her pain (which is extremely common in parentified children who feel they have to protect their parents from their pain like what buffy does with joyce), just like how she describes her feelings towards riley later which is NOT a good thing, empathy is good, taking on others pain as if it’s your own is extremely unhealthy. (Yes I’m pulling on my psych degree for a tumblr post, human behavior and buffy are two of my special interests)

What I mean by “in attachment” is that she has all of the same anxieties and insecurities about angel that she does with her father. Angel’s erratic and unpredictable behavior plays on her anxious avoidant attachment style SO AGGRESSIVELY. He keeps showing up, giving her little information at all and even less about himself and then vanishing leaving her hanging, and anxiously wondering about him which can mimic thinking you’re romantically interested when really it’s just an unresolved problem you desperately want to solve. She has a lot of valid criticisms about him before they’re officially together about his inconsistencies, him treating her like a child, him being too old for her and then all of a sudden she’s saying she wants to die when they kiss and that she loves him (after he forces her to say she loves him before he’ll tell the truth about drusilla). That is exactly how falling into attachment goes. Once you’re hooked all your feelings that are caused by a bad relationship with a parent are projected onto the partner who you are unknowingly recreating that dynamic with which is why such intense and strong feelings can happen so quickly and suddenly you’re ignoring all concerns you had before forming this attachment with someone.

He’s not her soulmate, he’s just the first guy to treat her like her father did and if you don’t address that cycle the relationship is recreating it can be impossible to move on because they will ALWAYS feel like something is unresolved and if you don’t know why you feel that way you can misinterpret it as true love or destiny because why all would you suffer so much and still love them if it wasn’t? It’s a mistake SO MANY of us make in our romantic relationships and these portrayals of unhealthy attachments being sold to us a soul mates doesn’t help us at all.

She does it with Riley also but she walls herself off so she doesn’t get AS attached to him as she did angel but their relationship is still her trying to fix the relationship with her father by changing herself so maybe this time he’ll stay. It’s why his opinion still matters so much to her when he comes back in season 6 despite him being a truly awful person to her who has done nothing but make mistakes and whose opinion should not matter to her at all after everything he put her through. He is another pseudo father figure she craves approval from.

It’s why I love her relationship with Spike so much despite all the bad they go through before season 7. We know her feelings are real because Spike doesn’t play on her anxious-avoidant attachment at all because he is ALWAYS there even when she’s mean and claims she doesn’t want him there. And to me everything they do to each other makes perfect sense, their relationship is exactly what two people with severe trauma and one with anxious-avoidant and one with just anxious-attachment going into a relationship together looks like. You hurt each other A LOT because you’re working out all your issues with each other and they don’t have ANY help from a therapist or someone who can help minimize the hurt so they both just use their worst coping mechanisms and the fact that they go through all that and still get to be together and happy and healthy on the other side is just everything to me because that so rarely happens in the real world, where you get to be with the person who was also a catalyst for healing and having to go through all that suffering together only to have to start over -hopefully from a much better place - but still with someone else BLOWS. So Spike and Buffy to me are about hope and healing (including the unpleasant and very ugly, dark parts of healing people rarely talk about) and getting to do each phase of that with someone AND enjoy being happy and whole together is just UGHHHH I love it so much.

#spuffy

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leejeongz · 10 months

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🫧 small things evnne would do as your boyfriend 🫧

pairing: boyf!evnne x gn!reader

genre: fluff

warnings: mentions of food

a/n: just a reminder that i don’t write for 06 and younger (jihoo), see rules

⋆ hanbin

⋆ he’s the BIGGEST flirt and loves to see you panicking and blushing

⋆ but he just laughs in your face instead of calling you cute he just cannot help himself 💀

⋆ the most supportive bf, he will be your personal cheerleader no matter what the event and he will never get tired of it

⋆ PDA and lots of it, but if you initiate it he’s gonna tease you for it (he loves it tho fr)

⋆ “it reminded me of you and i missed you so much so i had to buy it” gift giver vs “hanbin, you were gone for an hour” gift receiver

⋆ tries to teach you to dance sometimes and is very honest about it… but sings your praises to everyone else even if ur trash

⋆ bro literally gets cute aggression whenever your around, he just gets the urge to eat u in a cute loving way lmfao

⋆ this man always knows what to say to you like he just says the right thing at the right time and you immediately feel comforted

other members under the cut

⋆ keita

⋆ he’s obsessed with you i mean OBSESSED everything about you is just so fascinating to him

⋆ star gazing + cloud spotting <333

⋆ gets extremely sulky when you watch an ep of a show without him and makes you rewatch it by his side

⋆ when you’re feeling down, he orders your favourite pizza and cuddles you on the sofa until you’re ready to talk

⋆ let’s you be in his studio while he’s recording or composing because he wants to show off

⋆ and also because he thinks it’s cool when you show off your musical talents in there too

⋆ gets lost in your eyes when you talk and half stops listening for a brief moment until you pull him up on it

⋆ gentle pecks on your shoulder when he can tell you’re getting nervous/anxious

⋆ you and his family become SOOO close, he takes you to visit all the time, you’re so precious to all of them

⋆ jeonghyeon

⋆ subtle matching couple items that he’s just waiting for someone to ask him about so he can tell them about you

⋆ the way he looks at you gives you butterflies, of course it does, but the way he looks at you when you’re not looking gives other people butterflies he literally adores you and everything that you do everyone is envious

⋆ speaking of, he gets jealous when you give absolutely anyone else more attention than you’re giving him in that moment

⋆ i’m talking full pout and a passive aggressive comment under his breath which he most certainly takes back when you hear him

⋆ even tho he’s ur boyfriend he still tries too hard to impress you sometimes 😭 styling his hair with wayyy too much gel for example

⋆ nags. but in a teasing “you should’ve brought your own” kinda way

⋆ needs you to kiss his nose 24/7 but will he ever admit it? no absolutely not.

⋆ seungeon

⋆ he thinks you’re the funniest person ever istg

⋆ like he’s laughing all the time when he’s with you

⋆ a hugeeee prankster (but he knows ur limits) you’ll hear him giggling at your reaction and you’ll definitely want pay back lmaoo

⋆ when you get sick, he makes you soup (pours it out of a can and heats it up in the microwave ) and waits by the side of your bed for a compliment

⋆ he is 100% the type to kiss you once on the cheek or the lips and then not be able to stop kissing you

⋆ is gonna be singing to you half the day and it’s always gonna sound so damn good you’ll run out of ways to tell him how amazing he is

⋆ the other half of the day he’s complaining that his throat hurts and he needs you to make him some tea (because no one makes it like you do and he’s grown far too attached to you and your tea lol)

⋆ squishes your cheeks when you’re least expecting it

⋆ yunseo

⋆ this man 😭

⋆ loves his physical affection, having his arms around you when you’re doing absolutely anything, holding your hand, his hand on your thigh/knee when you’re sitting together 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

⋆ he finds comfort in being close to you and being able to hold your hand

⋆ gets sO shy when you compliment him, he’s gonna be blushing and questioning you the whole time with a cute little smile he cannot BELIEVE

⋆ buys your fav ice cream when he gets in from practice late hoping that you’re still awake so you can watch some disney+ together while eating the ice cream

⋆ he takes serious relationship talks very seriously and always wants to be a better boyfriend to you so he listens and apologises very sincerely (he can definitely hold his own tho don’t get me wrong)

⋆ glances at your lips when you talk, thinks he’s being subtle and discreet but he’s defo not

⋆ buys you a teddy bear for your birthday every year without fail to cuddle in bed when he's not there (but tells you it doesn’t beat the real thing (it doesn’t))

⋆ junghyun

⋆ pet. names. all of them. any that you can think of and more. without shame !!

⋆ (okay maybe he’s a bit shy at first but it doesn’t take him long before he’s firing them out left right and centre)

⋆ goes absolutely crazy for a forehead kiss and will give you puppy eyes if you don’t deliver

⋆ his hoodies = your hoodies

⋆ in fact, he gets a bit offended if you say that you don’t wanna wear them

⋆ rests his head on your shoulder and pretends to sleep

⋆ but he’s actually just laughing to himself about how fast your heart is beating cos of him

⋆ his first i love you being the most embarrassing thing ever for him that he’ll never live down (you MUST tease him for his shyness)

⋆ he’s gonna learn to bake for you and you’re gonna love the cookies he makes 🫵🏻

⋆ random trips to get fast food

#evnne #evnne imagines #evnne scenarios #lee jeonghyeon #park hanbin #mun junghyun #ji yunseo #yoo seungeon #keita #boys planet #boys planet imagines #boys planet reactions

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exsanguidus · 9 months

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Controversial opinion; I think Ascended Astarion is the true Astarion. In DnD lore, vampirism amplifies a person's traits for whoever they are at the time they become a true vampire. A Paladin wanting to save people will end up ruling a city with an iron fist to keep people safe. A mage wanting to heal those they love will hurt everyone else to heal them. Astarion was on a journey with Tav - one from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy. I think Ascended Astarion is cannon Astarion. He will always be a vampire, and vampires in DnD are always the amplification of a true self. Without ascention, he is still malleable - but I don't think its what he wants. He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is.

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer:

I work in the mental health field professionally and majored in Social & Behavioral Science, which is partly why I felt drawn to Astarion as a sort of case study. Characters rooted in trauma are interesting to me and I enjoy picking them apart to judge how real it feels. I utilize my educational and professional background to essentially guide how I write Astarion on this account.

That said, despite me being a professional in the field, all of what I have to say is my personal opinion and interpretation of Astarion's character based on how I interpret the material Larian gave us and the material that can be found in DND lore. Even in real life, things have variation and not all mental health struggles (getting over trauma is part of mental health) present the exact same way. There are theories that exist to try and explain some trends in mental health studies, psychology, and sociology, but again they're called theories for a reason.

Now, my response to this question will be under the cut and will include spoilers.

I know what lore in particular you're referencing, anon, because I've been going back to it a lot ever since I opened this account.

Astarion very much has an insecure attachment style born from his abuse at Cazador's hands. Specifically, an anxious-avoidant attachment type that leans more towards avoidant when he's first met and then begins to swing more towards anxious as he begins to get closer to Tav and the other companions.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues. Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them (Mark Manson, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships).

Typically, most studies of Attachment Theory focus on the relationship of parents-children or romantic partners, but it can also be applied to any significant relationship someone has in their lifetime. Attachment styles thus are capable of changing based on new relationship experiences.

If you end up giving him the "good" ending where he denies the Ascension, it's implied in his final dialogue that he's actively working towards having a secure attachment type due to the influences of his fellow worm-afflicted associates - particularly Tav.

I think that it's important to also note that, even if Tav doesn't romantically connect with Astarion, he shows hints of desperately wanting someone to care for him, support him, and love him. He does want to know what sex would be like as something other than a tool, and especially what it would be like to actually want to have it just for the pure sake of enjoying having it.

You have to understand that Astarion doesn't even understand the concept of casual sex or friends with benefits. All those times he had to seduce people for Cazador was not casual sex or a friends with benefits situation. All of them were transactions with a means to an end. He got nothing out of seducing those victims besides the possibility of not incurring Cazador's wrath that night - but even then, there was still a possibility because Cazador was an abuser.

Abusers are incapable of providing genuine safety, but can manipulate their victims into believing an illusion of safety. Often times, they manipulate their victims into this by using phrases like "you made me do this by being disobedient", "it wouldn't come to this if you just did what you were told", and then weaponizing basic needs such as shelter, food, and social interaction. The bare minimum becomes something the victim is expected to be grateful for and viewed as a favor, which means anything beyond the bare minimum is expected to be viewed as a theatrical showing of care and love.

In game, Tav has the chance to hear Astarion tell the story of how Cazador turned him. He basically states that he got attacked by a mob due to a ruling he handed down when he was magistrate and then Cazador saved him and offered him immortality. It can be inferred that in his pre-vampiric days, Astarion had no idea that Cazador was abusive to his spawn.

This is likely because it seems that Cazador is careful about his public image. He doesn't allow his spawn to drink from humans, very likely not just as a means to further oppress them and dampen their potential power they could get from drinking people's blood, but also as a way to ensure there's not just a bunch of people out in the city being bitten and left alive to tell the story - or left dead on the street suspiciously.

He has his spawn seduce and lure people, particularly lower class people that would be harder for general society to realize is missing or just that he knows people who could actually challenge him wouldn't care for (you learn that reading some of the books and notes in Szarr Palace). The only exception to this is the kidnapping of Gur children, but even then it seems to fit his MO as it seems Gur are considered somewhat outcasts from the rest of Baldurian society due to their cultural differences.

It should also be noted that he himself doesn't do these seductions or kidnappings. He specifically chooses spawn to be his lackeys and that's likely so, if shit hits the fan and the spawn gets caught, he has deniability since he wasn't there. It's methodical and thought out to keep as many eyes away from him so he can still obtain what he wants and keep sailing under the radar.

Cazador is this methodical and purposeful as a result of his own trauma, which we learn about from the skull of his master in the dungeon of Szaar Palace. There's one interaction in particular with the skull in which Tav can learn that, at one point, Cazador attempted to rebel and usurp his master. Cazador failed and his master punished him via impalement. Not because Cazador had the audacity to try and usurp him, but because Cazador tried and failed. Cazador's master punished Cazador via torture because his master was disgusted by the fact that his spawn was too weak to succeed in such a plot.

Which brings me to my next point... it's not uncommon for victims of abuse to later become abusers. Hence the term Cycle of Abuse exists. Many abusers who were once victims often have the mentality of either "I'm not nearly as bad as my abuser was, they should be grateful I care enough to not be so bad" or "I survived and it made me tougher, they need to suck it up and let it help them build character" or both. They often fail to view their abuse as abuse and fail to recognize how their experience as abuse victims contributes into making them toxic and abusive to others.

There's many peer-reviewed scholarly articles you can find about the cycle of abuse, but one I particularly find useful is Editorial: Dissociation, and cycles of abuse across generations by David P.H. Jones. It talks specifically about parents and children, but I believe some of the general points made can be applied to Cazador and his spawn, as he crafts a very family-like setting that can be seen in the way that his spawn refer to one another as brothers and sisters.

This would thus make him the father figure, a role exponentially made important by the fact he denies his spawn education on things that could serve to give them ideas or the ability to leave him (for example, Astarion mentions that none of the spawn were permitted to learn about the language of the various symbols around the palace) and he consistently chooses his Golden Children (Favored Spawns) as a means of providing more false security. Do what he says, when he says, exactly how he says and don't complain then you will have benefits. You will be Favored, and to have his favor is the highest honor you could achieve.

Torture is clearly presented as Cazador's primary go-to for discipline. Research has also concluded that trauma has a way of affecting the brain and memories.

Trauma can prevent information (like words, images, sounds, etc.) from different parts of the brain from combining to make a semantic memory. The temporal lobe and inferior parietal cortex collect information from different brain areas to create semantic memory (The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine).

Astarion mentions a few times in-game that he can barely remember his life before Cazador, if at all, and a huge part of that is likely because of all the trauma Cazador inflicted upon him that exacerbated the natural occurrence of memory loss from aging (if vampires experience natural memory loss from aging, that is). This is most likely true for all of Cazador's spawn.

I say all this as a set up to truly answering you, anon, specifically where you say: "from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy."

I can argue that Astarion did not feel free up until after a decision to Ascend or not was made. And I argue that stance due to some dialogue he can have with Tav here he basically states that the power Ascension could guarantee that no one, even someone after Cazador is dead, could ever come in to oppress and hurt him again. Even with Cazador dead, he has such an intense fear of being enslaved and used that he turns to catastrophic thoughts as justification to why he needs to Ascend.

Catastrophic thinking is a cognitive distortion that occurs when people have a hard time weighing the likelihood of certain outcomes and believe that terrible or catastrophic outcomes—which are highly unlikely—become, in one’s mind, salient and extremely likely. (Tom Zaubler, MD, MPH).

Aside from the Gur, whom Astarion can manage to evade and even kill perfectly fine as just a spawn, we're not presented with any hints of another big bad in the vampire world that could possibly want Astarion. As such, there's not really any tangible threat, but rather a perceived threat that he believes is destined to darken his doorstep at any time.

His catastrophic thinking is a trauma response. His belief that he needs to be the most powerful being in the room as a way to be truly free is a trauma response. Cazador broke him down emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually to make him believe that he was weak and trapped. Furthermore, that he remained trapped because he was too weak to do anything about it.

You see how this goes full circle into how Cazador's master punished Cazador for not being able to successfully usurp him? It places blame on the victim, allowing shame and helplessness to root that the abuser can manipulate. We know that Astarion definitely feels shame because he tells Tav that. For most of his dialogue until the boss fight, he's constantly bringing up that he did what Cazador wanted and acted obedient because he had no choice.

This is true, he had to act in self-preservation to survive and unfortunately that meant he had to be subservient. A few dialogue choices you can have your Tav pick can challenge Astarion and say he could have still tried, to which he'll rightfully tell Tav that Tav has no right to judge him for the choices he made to survive.

When Astarion encounters Sebastian in the dungeon, its made pretty obvious how much guilt and shame he truly feels. Furthermore, that for all Astarion's protesting and exclaiming that no one has the right to judge him, a part of him did believe that he didn't do enough to try and escape enslavement. A part of himself blamed himself and believed he allowed himself to be abused when, in reality, he was put in a horrible situation with very limited options. He did the best he could in the moment, with what information he had in those moments.

I also want to argue that who Astarion is when we meet him isn't his true self. It's who he had to become in order to survive Cazador. Astarion doesn't even know who his true self is because he didn't have the opportunity to explore his own likes and preferences. Cazador molded all of his spawn because he had a specific purpose for them.

Not only that, but since Cazador would have to more directly deal with these spawn since he used them as lackies, he also would have molded them to behave in ways to his preference so that he wouldn't find their presence unbearable and feel inclined to murder them out of annoyance. This is also where the Favored Spawn being separated and set on a pedestal comes into play. Those who could please him and play to his wants and needs had better benefits. If all of the spawn are acting in self-preservation, they would want to be favored and thus would want to adapt themselves to things Cazador liked and approved of.

This would mean learning to be cruel to those less fortunate and not doing anything as charity. This is the reason why Astarion approves of some questionable decisions Tav can make. Astarion learned his ideals and morality from Cazador because he had to so he could know how to please Cazador and stay in his master's good graces. After a while, even if you started off disagreeing, forcing yourself to act a certain way can become a habit that sticks with you. You convince yourself to enjoy it too so it's easier to swallow.

Astarion craves power because he knows that power is the quickest, easiest, and - what he believes - most effective way to prevent him from having to use that method ever again. It's logical to want power to solve that.

You said in your ask: "He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is."

In the most literal of terms, yes, Ascension gives him all of those. However, since the basis of him believing he needs power to be free is rooted in fear, that's not actually really freedom. That is still his fear ruling over him.

There's a stark difference in what someone wants versus what they need. He wants power, to be seen, to be loved, and to be free. What he actually needs is security, stability, support, consistency, empathy, and autonomy. The things he wants is what he believes will solve the empty cups of what he needs, and he believes that because the only example he had on how to act to get what you want - until the events of the game - was Cazador. He literally had no other example of how to get your needs met except through selfishness, cruelty, force, manipulation, and abuse.

Again, I reiterate. The Astarion we first meet is not Astarion's true nature. Astarion's true nature was corrupted by his abuse from Cazador and the subsequent trauma that followed. If it had been his true nature, he would have happily been Cazador's subject because their true natures would have been in alignment.

It only becomes his true nature if he allows that trauma to define him and decides that he needs to embrace it rather than fight it. That is then what gets amplified because that fear that roots those wants becomes amplified.

Honestly, it's impossible to say what would be canon for Astarion because there's too many factors.

Studies have shown that having more supportive and positive influences, even if its later in life after leaving the abuser, tends to work in favor of the victim breaking the cycle of abuse. As such, I think that if you make a Tav who's core values are autonomy, consent, second chances, and redemption and somehow manage to get high enough approval that he'd even consider caring what they think; then its more likely that Astarion would reject Ascension due to observing how much softer, kinder, patient, and merciful Tav is.

But if its a Tav that has no interest in getting to know him beyond the surface or Tav doesn't exist at all, I honestly think he would end up going through with Ascension. Mostly because, to me, it seems like he didn't really bother to have more than surface level interactions with the other companions and the other companions really only ended up getting to know him better as a result to Tav managing to get past his masking. He does not lower his mask on his own accord, only after certain things are done and said by Tav.

Unfortunately, I just don't really think any of the other companions you can pick up in-game would really be able to provide support and determined consistency in the same way that players can make Tav. Hence I don't think he'd end up caring enough about any of them to ever start to think that perhaps freedom can be defined differently than the way he initially believes, and would view Ascension as the only right way to get his needs fulfilled.

#hc ; in one's blood #long post #bg3 spoilers #cw: trauma #cw: abuse #penned by grim ;#askbox ; blood oath

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sentientsky · 6 months

Text

Crowley + Attachment Style

I was talking to @actual-changeling the other day about attachment styles, and they confirmed my idea that Crowley is, contrary to popular belief, not someone with an anxious attachment style. Rather, like Aziraphale, he exhibits signs of a fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment style (just in a slightly different and less obvious way). I’ve had this draft kicking around since September (??? October?? time is an illusion), so enjoy my silly (not-so-little) ramblings. TW // discussion of child abuse (not explicit) Okay, I've seen a couple of discussions surrounding this (cue me doing a frantic, sleep-deprived Tumblr Literature Review approx. five minutes ago), so this is just me tossing two pennies into a fountain, shrugging, and walking away. I totally see how Crowley could be interpreted as having an anxious attachment style. At the same time, as someone with a fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment style (thanks, dad! <3), I believe there's space to explore that as a possibility.

My credentials, you ask?? Decades of trauma and an intimate knowledge of what it's like to have a disorganized attachment style (I'm WORKING ON IT, okay?? lol). Also a fuckton of research. All sources will be linked because I am a professional (<- LYING). Okay, so let's do a quick crash course on attachment theory as a concept itself, and then shift into manifestations of disorganized attachment style (I'm going to call it "DAS" for short bc I'm tired). I'm doing this as a formality, because let's be honest. Would you be in this fandom without having had experienced at least some measure of childhood trauma? What is Attachment Theory? (source) "Attachment theory, in developmental psychology, [is] the theory that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver and that such a bond will develop during the first six months of a child’s life if the caregiver is appropriately responsive." There are a variety of attachment styles, each of which differently predicts how an individual will react in interpersonal situations according to how they were raised. While there are, obviously, further nuances to this, a core group of four feature most prominently:

Let's go deeper. What does it mean to have a DAS? In short, a DAS (also known as "fearful-avoidant attachment style") often comes about as a result of childhood abuse. The child relies upon the caregiver to ensure their (the child's) survival. However, when the parent is abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally, etc.), this obviously poses a threat to the wellbeing of the child. So they develop this deep-rooted sense of distrust and fear. It helps me to think of it as a flame: you want to be warmed by the heat of the fire, but if you get too close, you'll get burnt. Consequently, you're trapped in this wavering "too close", "too far" situation. One of the best explanations I've read with regards to DAS is from this source:

Separation and abandonment (though most likely to produce an organized form of attachment, such as anxious or avoidant) can lead to the establishment of a DAS:

(source) After experiencing abuse and abandonment in Heaven, and again as a Fallen angel, Crowley has, like Aziraphale, been exposed to conditions that would create this particular attachment style (for a further explanation of Aziraphale's DAS, see this post). However, as I mentioned in the above linked post,

In contrast, Crowley has a more nuanced, consequentialist view of morality. Having Fallen, having intimately known the depths of what both Heaven and Hell are capable of (e.g., his time in Hell post-1827), he isn't living with this unpredictable "parent"--he solidly understands that the existing system is fundamentally wrong.

At times, he does experience what appears to be ambivalence (or, more likely, a sense of deep-rooted loss and abandonment):

However, the Final Fifteen emphasizes that this lingering mindset is overridden by the acknowledgment of an innately harmful structure:

Having established this, what does Crowley's DAS look like + how does it differ from Aziraphale's? Well, in my research, I would posit "compulsive caregiving" plays a role. Compulsive Caregiving What is "compulsive caregiving"? It's a form of DAS that emerges as a result of specific developmental conditions. Having their needs (or QUESTIONS) ignored or else punished by a caregiver, a child may learn to "never ask for anything", and instead care for others, often sacrificing their own wellbeing/needs for the sake of the other party (see further explanations below).

(Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4)

Here, we can see how Crowley might fall into the category of "compulsive care-giving". Both he and Azi try to protect each other to a severe degree, but Crowley's compulsivity might be a bit more apparent in this regard. He's learned not to ask for the things he wants (avoidant manifestation), but he also feels a desperate need to prove himself and protect Aziraphale through compulsive caregiving (anxious manifestation). It's only with his back pressed against the figurative wall in the Final Fifteen (or on the brink of Armageddon in season 1) that he is able to say it plainly. The Push-And-Pull of DAS As has been discussed so many times previously, this idea of ambivalence also features prominently in the relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale themselves. There's a constant push-and-pull in their dynamic, as evidenced below: Aziraphale refers to him as a friend, he compliments him, exists in close quarters with him, etc...

But he also pushes Crowley away and consistently reiterates the categorical black-and-white thinking of Heaven/Hell.

[Disclaimer: I acknowledge that this wavering attitude, while infuriating and unfair to Crowley, is also largely as a result of religious trauma; Aziraphale needs some serious therapy. As we see exhibited throughout the Final Fifteen, Aziraphale still believes that Heaven is, fundamentally, good (or at least holds the capacity to become good). This doesn't negate the fact that he loves Crowley, but it does impact the way he views the two of them and their relationship, causing a significant strain and eventual break in their bond].

So we have the root, we have the manifestations within the other party, but how does this DAS figure within Crowley's character itself? Manifestations of DAS in Adulthood

Speaking from personal experience, DAS can manifest in adult life in several ways. In the present day, I tend to (But not always! I'm getting better, lol) attach myself to people who are touch-and-go; who variously show me affection and disinterest (*cough cough* my ex-bsf). Often, when I felt like the other person was pulling away/withdrawing, I would also pull away. Because my caregivers flipped between rage and calm, venom-spitting hatred and comforting affection very, very quickly and very, very easily, I had to constantly be on edge, anticipating my next move and ready to go into resolution/fawning mode ("compulsive caretaking") at the drop of a hat. And that notion of push-and-pull, "never really knowing where you stand" is what I grew up thinking of as love. This pulling away in the face of perceived rejection can also point to issues with self-esteem...

SIDEBAR: CROWLEY AND SELF-ESTEEM The way Crowley is written with regards to his trauma responses is so interesting and also so real to me. We have this entity who has spent the better part of six thousand years (likely more, because we don't have a definitive timeline for the Fall) believing he is so thoroughly and utterly unwanted as to be pushed to the underbelly of the Universe, hidden away amongst sulphur and agony and absence.

Speaking as someone with ah...childhood...uh. issues (sure, let's call it that. why not?), after being told that you are disgusting, horrible, unworthy, etc. so many times, you begin to believe it. And because, as children, we're forced to rely on primary caregivers, often the only way to maintain that connection lies in the internalization of that unworthiness, to the point where it's difficult to separate you from these ideas of worthlessness. And because you've experienced it so consistently throughout your life, you also come to anticipate rejection; you look for it everywhere, feeling as though it's right around the corner. Therefore, to kind of pre-emptively avoid emotional harm (or because you feel unworthy of asking for more or for reassurance), you cauterize the figurative wound and pull away. We'll come back to this idea in a couple moments! Returning to the main point, let's look at these markers of a DAS more broadly:

(source)

Let's go through each of these, step-by-step. Again, remember, not all of these symptoms have to be present all of the time. These are the ones I see most prominently in Crowley (of course, please, please, please feel free to correct me or build on this! i'm in NO way an expert).

"You find it difficult to open up to others" + "You tend to keep conversations on the surface level because it's uncomfortable to be vulnerable"

"You have a negative self-view of both yourself and others" (mostly himself, in this case!)

"You often dissociate from your emotions" + "You withdraw when you feel vulnerable or emotional" For this one, I'm just going to invite you to read Alex's post here. They phrase it better than I ever could, lol.

SIDEBAR #2: Withdrawal + Good Omens Lockdown @yowlthinks also made an excellent point regarding something i said here. In the Good Omens Lockdown audio clip, we notice Crowley pushing the boundary line, forthrightly offering to come over to the bookshop and stay for a while at the height of the pandemic (see below):

When Aziraphale outright rejects him, Crowley recoils and quickly says goodbye, intending to set his alarm for July. Here, we see the way in which disorganized attachment operates as a fusion of both anxious and avoidant behaviours; despite wanting to be close, he pulls back immediately and (presumably) resolves not to discuss the fact that he lost his flat and is now sleeping in his Bentley. (As my former philosophy professors have tried to impress upon me so many times,) It's important we consider alternative explanations. It could be possible that this is just him respecting Aziraphale's boundaries and returning to practices that seek to remedy the whole "you go too fast for me" issue. However, this kind of behaviour occurs time and time again, establishing a pattern that goes beyond simply protecting Azi's boundaries, and may index a desire to keep himself safe through emotional avoidance. "You have a hard time self-soothing your emotions" [insert lightning scene here]. He's trying, you guys. He's trying so hard, but it's difficult (and i'd genuinely like to get a scene in s3 where he's allowed to be well and truly angry. no, i'm totally not projecting, why do you ask? what are u, a cop???)! It seems that he turns to repression in the absence of actual emotional processing or soothing (until it comes out all at once, in the case of the lightning). This makes sense, as well, considering there have been very few instances in which he's been truly comforted or soothed by others. Not having comfort modelled to him, combined with his pre-existing low self-esteem helps to illuminate why he turns to repression opposed to taking time to care for himself, etc. Broader Implications + S3 Speculation Alright, we're almost done, I promise! So we've established (or at the very least, put forth an argument for) disorganized attachment in Anthony Janthony Crowley. What does this mean in the context of where we left things off at the end of S2? From my perspective, it means that what happened was completely in-character for both of them. Aziraphale's DAS manifests in more of the traditional, hot-and-cold fearful-avoidance. For Crowley, his caretaking compulsivity finally snapped in the Final Fifteen; Heaven is one place he cannot follow, and exhausted, he walks away (only to stand out on the street, further pointing to the anxious/avoidant duality). I would argue that there was no trick, nothing in the coffee, no coded messages, etc. Rather, like humans, they are both shaped by their trauma and responded in accordance with this. (@actual-changeling has some excellent metas where they further expand on the idea that there was no trick involved in the final fifteen: x. this meta too!: x. massive credit to them, as always hehe)

What about in S3? Speaking from personal experience (because the surrounding literature wasn't super helpful haha), a disorganized attachment style must be unlearned, with a few key factors at play: Since DAS is grounded in formative experiences of volatility, the survival of the individual has to be decoupled from the preservation of connection (with family members, partners, friends, etc.); more specifically, your worth and ability to persist is not dependent on maintaining connection with another. This is incredibly difficult to unlearn when you've experienced it for a couple decades, let alone so many thousands of years. t h e r a p y (pls neil, i need an episode where it’s just Crowley going to see a psychiatrist and he breaks down crying and it’s like “oh yeah. that was really fucked up what happened to me”. again. totally not projecting! <- as always, don’t actually send stuff like this to Neil). Okay, finally. We're at the end. I apologize for the sheer length of this analysis. I had to cut it off here, because the original was going to be wayyyyy longer with more discussion/analysis/etc. However. I am TIRED. So here you go! ✨TaH DaH! ✨ (please don't yell at me ajsdlasjkd. i love azi and crowley both so much and this is just my own interpretation/opinion as someone with a disorganized attachment style lol)

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cooki3face · 6 months

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Healing attachment styles:

When you have an attatchment style like anxious especially or even detatched/avoidant, or even disorganized you may fall into karmic cycles and habits that pull you to love someone wholeheartedly (or in some cases be infatuated with someone,obsessive, or attatched) who you know on a subconscious level isn’t going to fulfill your needs or isn’t able or capable of giving you what you need out of a relationship. You may desire true love, you may desire deep connections, true intimacy, passion, safety, etc. and all of these wonderful things BUT the love and attention you’re used to receiving (even on a fundamental level because attatchment styles are developed early) isn’t what is going to meet your needs. And your idea of what love or what it means or be valued or desired is skewed or warped. So, now when you’re presented with a healthy individual who is capable of caring for you and capable of giving you what you need, you may run from that person or find yourself uninterested or unable to connect with them. But, you are familiar with unhealthy relationships and behavioral patterns and so when presented with those, you find yourself easily attached or feeling some semblance of safety or belonging in those connections.

Start potentially thinking about what types of things you want or desire in your relationships. Don’t pass judgment on yourself or on these things just yet, just reflect. Be honest with yourself. Think about your ideas about what it means to love and be loved as well.

Try to identify what type of attachment style you may have. Look into the attachment styles, think about your parents and the way they handled you as a child or in your youth, etc.

Start thinking about what types of things trigger you or make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in your relationships. (People canceling last minute plans, being left alone, when you start to become close with someone, etc.)

Ask yourself why these triggers may exist. There’s always a root cause of something you’re feeling however small it may seem on the surface. (Example: you may have a tendency to withdraw when things become serious or when you feel close to someone or when things are going well within a connection. This reflects a fear of deeper commitment or deeper vulnerability and connection. If you are open and receptive, your person may abandon you, may hurt your feelings or may decide to leave you and you don’t feel prepared to deal with or feel the emotional consequences of a situation like that.)

Learn how to be reflective and how to identify the way you feel. Easier said than done for most. But it helps to begin this journey with yourself first, you can practice journaling or sitting with yourself to reflect on how you feel and identify how you feel. If you don’t know how you feel right away when a situation arises, that’s okay, give yourself a moment to come to a conclusion and reflect. (Maybe you feel embarrassed, maybe you feel shameful, maybe you feel guilty, angry, sad, etc.) when you find out how you feel, you can begin to ask yourself why.

You can begin to learn how to communicate with others now. This part is difficult too. You may have to overcome a fear of vulnerability, a fear of rejection, a fear of being misunderstood, a fear of burdening others with your emotions/needs. When given a situation where you feel some kind of way in a connection whether it be platonic or romantic, you can take small steps by learning how to set boundaries, by making sure you tell people what you dislike or what you may feel hurt your feelings or made you feel uncomfortable about their behavior (AFTER you reflect on how you feel, during this process, it’s important you learn to be proactive instead of reactive.) in order to communicate effectively, you must see yourself clearly first.

Healing an attachment style is a big feat, it’s not an easy task, there will be moments where you’ll have to identify if you’re triggered or if someone has intentionally caused you harm or has mistreated you, you’re going to have to be able to communicate through that and be able to self reflect and be still for a while whilst you ground your energy and come to terms with your feelings.

There will absolutely be moments where you may make the mistake of accepting bad things or you may fall into karmic cycles or be tempted by people and things and you’ll need to think about what you deserve vs what you feel pulled to from a wounded aspect of yourself.

There will be moments where significant others in your life like partners and especially parents are people you’re going to have to hold accountable or take off of a pedestal and see honestly.

***

The emotion wheel:

Attachment style chart:

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fashionably-forgetful · 7 months

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Do You Have An Anxious Attachment Style?

An anxious attachment style is one of the three primary attachment styles in adult relationships, based on attachment theory developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth. The three main attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious attachment style is characterized by a strong desire for emotional closeness and a fear of abandonment or…

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pleaseeeimjustagirl · 2 months

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Maybe You Have A Anxious Attachment…

Hey, babesss I recently realized I had an anxious attachment and it was starting to affect certain parts of my life specifically my friendships. I had a lot of friendships I was clinging on to because of my anxious attachment I was giving more of myself in these friendships and not receiving anything in return while people pleasing. All of this triggered from my anxious attachment and I wanted to share the things I’ve learned that could help you if you have an anxious attachment.

What is an attachment style?

♡ An attachment style is a kind of bond we form with others. We develop these kinds of bonds at a young age from the interactions we have with our parents/guardians. These attachment styles follow us into our adulthood.

♡ There are four attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment.

♡ Secure Attachment: You feel secure in your own space and can be open and supportive towards others.

♡ Anxious Attachment: You do not trust other feelings towards you and need constant reassurance.

♡ Avoidant Attachment: You have trouble opening up and showing your emotions.

♡ Disorganized Attachment: you do not trust. You either push people away or have an unhealthy need for closeness.

Where does your anxious attachment come from?

♡ This attachment style is formed when a child learns that they cannot depend on their parent/guardian to meet their comfort needs.

♡ This is a result of inconsistent or distant parenting.

♡ Most people with anxious attachments had parents/guardians who were easily overwhelmed, switched between being attentive to pushing away, and made the child feel responsible for their feelings.

Signs you have an anxious attachment?

♡ Codependency.

♡ Fears of Rejection.

♡ Fears of Abandonment.

♡ Overly Sensitive To Criticism.

♡ Issues With Jealousy.

♡ Low Self-Esteem.

♡ Feeling Unworthy of Love.

♡ Trust Issues.

What can trigger your anxious attachment?

♡ Arguments.

♡ Inconsistent Behavior From Others.

♡ When People You Are Close To Are Being Distant.

♡ Someone Important To You Forgets A Special Occasion

♡ Broken Trust.

How to go from anxiously attached to securely attached

♡ Learn Breathing Techniques. Breathing can help ground you in moments of anxiety before reacting pause, focus, and breath.

♡ Change Your Thinking. When a negative thought or idea pops up switch your brain to something positive (plans, shopping, and vacations)

♡ Learn to self-soothe. Learn to calm yourself down in a way that is relaxing maybe that is walking, breathing, yoga, or prayer.

♡ Reparenting Yourself. Healing your inner child is the most important part of shifting your anxious attachment to a secure attachment. Inner child journaling prompts, inner child books, and so many other forms of inner child healing. Talk to yourself the way you wished your parent would have talked to you. Pamper yourself the way you wish you had been when you were a child. Be your parent<3333

♡ Express Yourself. Instead of allowing all your emotions to build up express your feelings. I recommend journaling as a form of self-help. There are other ways like art, dance, and exercise.

♡ Surround Yourself With Secure Attachment. Build friendships/relationships with people who have a secure attachments you will be able to learn what a secure stable relationship is like.

♡ Practice Being Vulnerable. To go from anxiously attached to securely attached try to be more vulnerable while also creating emotional safety for yourself. Learn to express your feelings, needs, dislikes, and desires.

♡ Therapy. This is a must!!! Therapy is so beneficial when going through this journey having someone be there for you and guide you. I highly recommend BetterHelp!

♡ Practice Mindfulness And Gratitude. Mindfulness is being present in the moment you can practice mindfulness by doing meditation, walking meditation, yoga, and gardening. Gratitude is the practice of being grateful for the things you have in your life and your body. Say thank you to your body, hug yourself, and nourish your body with nutritious foods. Be grateful for the little things in your life especially the things you take for granted like walking and your bed.

♡ Self Care. Take time for yourself to do things that make you feel relaxed and loved. That could be booking a spa treatment, painting, reading, and skincare. There a many other forms of self-care.

♡ Be Kind To Yourself. This is not an easy transition you have lived with this attachment style your entire life it will take some time to change it so be patient with yourself.Positive self talk is important affirm yourself and cancel out negative thoughts with positive ones.

Healing is a scary process in the beginning especially if you’re going from people-pleasing and being anxiously attached to people to building boundaries and standards. But you need to practice all of these skills and techniques so you can grow.

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 12 days

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I’m grayromantic because I feel like I don’t understand romantic attraction, or I’ve had mixed/alterous attraction for people in the past. I’ve tried dating someone, but I’ve felt horrible while in the relationship, probably because my partner has MUCH stronger romantic feelings for me than I can handle, much less reciprocate (even though they say they’re ok with it. I don’t think I am). For context, I think I have alterous feelings for them, and I would’ve probably enjoyed a QPR better, but at the time I didn’t know how to ask for one so I just asked them out but informed them I was grayro so I wasn’t sure. I don’t like how our relationship is right now and I thought it might be because of romance repulsion.

But recently I looked at the behavior patterns of the dismissive-avoidant attachment style and they all kind of fit me. So how do I know if I’m just rejecting my partner because of my attachment style or because of romance repulsion?

It can be complicated, romance repulsion can feel similar to other issues, especially since it often manifests as anxiety. It also isn't always one or the other, sometimes it can be a combination of both.

One thing that tends to be mostly true for romance repulsion is that there's no pushing through it. And the more you try and work through it and deal with it, usually the worse it will get. Whereas something like dismissive-avoidant attachment style is something that usually will get better as you work through it.

Another general difference is that often with attachment style disorders, people do still usually want a relationship, even if they may feel anxious or uncomfortable. Not wanting the relationship, or ending the relationship feeling like a relief (and staying feeling that way after) may be a sign of romance repulsion being at least part of what you're dealing with.

Something even considering the above, it's still not clear. Especially early on. Don't feel like you have to have it all figured out right away.

It's never a bad idea to work on your mental health, and sometimes that can provide clarity as things change or don't change as you work through things.

Sometimes journaling or talking to someone can help. Though if you seek out a therapist, make sure you find someone who is aro friendly and will focus on helping you discover for yourself where you fall. Some therapists also have a habit of pushing people into romantic relationships whether it's right for them at that moment (or ever) or not.

It's up to you if you want to try and work through things while in a romantic relationship or not. If you don't feel comfortable staying in the relationship, it's OK to end it, even if you're not sure exactly what's going on specifically with you yet.

Another thing you can consider is talking to your partner about the possibility of trying a QPR. Some people are open to changing the type of relationship they're in (though some aren't, but if you're thinking of ending the romantic relationship anyways, you have nothing to lose by asking about the possibility of a QPR).

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

#mental health

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actually-safer-to-kiss · 9 months

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*banner is made by me via canva. do not reuse without permission and credit.

Endings: Happy: 🤍 Sad: 💙 Ambiguous: 🩶

🌧️ Angst 🌧️

🤍 Leaving a Mark: Spencer's been sent to interview his secret boyfriend at a bar.

🤍 The Morning After: Reader and Spencer are waking up after a big fight the night before.

🩶 The Drafts: Spencer confronts Reader about a break-up text he found in her Notes app.

💙 Joyless: Spencer wants to apologize to Reader about the way things ended, but he needs a new excuse when someone else opens the door.

💙 Post-Mortem: Spencer wants to get back with Reader a month after their breakup, and it doesn't go the way he planned.

🤍 The Pink Moon: Reader's anxious attachment style is getting in the way of her enjoying the full moon.

🌥️ Comfort 🌥️

🤍 Pounding: Reader has a migraine and Spencer wants to help.

🤍 Girlfriend Interrupted: Reader had a bad day at work and Spencer's complaints are not the best timing.

🤍 See How It Shines: Spencer comes home from work to find Reader in tears over the new Hozier album

🤍 One Bloody Morning: Spencer has the first day off in months, and Reader wakes up to her period.

🩶 Dinner Time: Reader makes Spencer his first homemade dinner after getting out of prison, and they both realize he's got some adjusting to do.

🤍 Just Ten Minutes: Spencer needs a cuddle after getting home from a rough case.

🌤️ Fluff 🌤️

🤍 Confesser: Spencer is a criminology professor, and Reader is a French professor. Separate focuses managed to get tangled together once, which makes Reader even more suspicious when he stops by her office on Valentine’s Day.

🤍 Secretly Mine: Spencer and Reader have been seeing each other for a while without the team's knowledge.

🤍 Kafkaesque: On the flight back home, Spencer and Reader exchange books to read, and Spencer is surprised by your selection.

🤍 Well, Actually: Spencer gets frustrated as Reader proves him wrong about an unsub's profile.

🤍 A Quick Run: Spencer attempts to exercise with Reader.

🤍 Cravings: Spencer admires Reader while pregnant and in the depths of her cravings.

🤍 Love in the Time of Strudels: Reader tells Spencer she loves him and its brings back some memories.

🤍 Personal Heater: Spencer has no heat in his apartment, but that doesn’t stop Reader from spending the night.

🤍 Making a Move: Spencer's been seeing someone new, and the last thing he wants is to mess this up.

I post my works here and on Ao3 (SuSpence) only. Please report if you see them posted anywhere else.

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #masterlist #sfw interaction only

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divine-donna · 1 year

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the wine for your cup

i’m not the biggest fan of aegon, but i don’t mind writing for him. thought it would be fun to include him with general and romantic headcanons.

please keep in mind this is my own interpretation. these headcanons are just that. headcanons. if you don’t like them, just don’t read them and ignore this post.

aegon is actually very picky with what he eats. he’s not overly critical but he has a certain palette that he wants fulfilled. plus he’s definitely more of a texture person than anything.

he prefers anything crunchy and crisp and firm. when it comes to fruit, you will catch him eating under-ripened fruit solely because he cannot, and does not want to, handle the texture of soft fruits.

hates oranges. texturally just makes no sense.

he is actually very good with his hands. that is to be interpretted however you want. but the man is good with his hands, partially because he used to embroider in his free time.

a lot of his mannerisms mimic his mother’s whether it’s facial expressions, the way his body moves, even down to how he talks. he resembles alicent very strongly. if his hair wasn’t valyrian silver and was brown instead, he’d probably look like the male version of his mother.

there are whispers that aegon was destined to be a hightower rather than a targaryen unlike his younger brother aemond, who was born to be a targaryen rather than a hightower.

aegon numbs himself through wine (and alcohol in general). this is not a secret. he much prefers to be apathetic than have to deal with his existential dread every day. he doesn’t need any more reminders that he will never be good enough.

he’s pretty awful in combat. also not a surprise. he has no hands on experience unlike his brother and dedicates his training time to reading and/or drinking instead.

similar to helaena, the eldest prince really enjoys reading. books have provided him a brief escape from the expectations placed upon him due to his birth. expectations in stories are far different and you may find him taking out multiple books at a time while at the library.

aegon really enjoys stories about bards. bards are not limited to one place and they spend their time singing, playing instruments, wooing everyone around them. bards are free and he wishes he could be a bard instead of a prince.

aegon receives love through physical touch. he craves human touch. and while he has let other people touch him, their touches never feel genuine. he never feels at ease and it does not satisfy his craving. but when he receives physical touch from you, someone who genuinely cares about him, he always feels like he’s ascending. he needs your touch and goes out of his way to touch you all the time. it’s a lot more blatant compared to aemond. this man has no shame.

aegon gives love through physical touch. as someone who has always been touchstarved, he doesn’t want his beloved to feel the same way. so he’s always touching you to reassure his love for you. his favorite thing to do in particular is help you bathe. mostly because you have done the same thing for him and it’s his way of repaying you.

he has an anxious-avoidant attachment style, otherwise known as the hot-and-cold attachment style. it takes a while for aegon to come around to you. one moment, he doesn’t want you to leave. the next moment, he’s aloof. much of it has to deal with his own feelings of abandonment and feeling unloved. he expects you to leave eventually. but you don’t. rather, you stick around while setting firm boundaries.

aegon’s kisses are never quick. they last a long time. quite a long time actually. he does everything in his power to keep your lips against his for as long as possible. and there’s also a lot of biting and nipping involved. much like aemond, he wants to devour you. and it’s kind of hot to see how much he wants you.

you’ve never really been wanted by anyone. so the fact that the firstborn prince wants you so much that he’s willing to do anything for you gives you an ego boost.

aegon also loves to mark you up, similar to his brother. but unlike aemond, aegon is very obvious with his marking. he does not care about the thoughts of the court. after all, rumors already surround his reputation. what is one more?

you have hickies all over your body, but especially on your neck and collarbone. they are quite visible and he loves that your hickies are on display. it proves you’re his. what’s the point in giving you these marks if everyone won’t see them?

this man has no shame. he will kiss you in public and even go further than that if you’re willing.

aegon’s favorite part of you is your legs. he was very honest when he told aemond that the one thing him and helaena had in common was liking things with long legs. it doesn’t matter how long or short your legs were. he loves them regardless. he loves kissing upwards to your thighs and giving you hickies at the skin.

your favorite part of aegon are his eyes and his lips. you love how his lips curve with that cupid’s bow of his (most certainly a trait all the targaryen siblings have). but his eyes. they’re always gentle, soft, when they look at you. and they hold such reverence for you. you’re always ready to melt when he gives you those puppy eyes and that cute pout of his.

“prince aegon is not what you think he is. i swear he is a lot gentler than rumors make him out to be. i would lay down my life for him if he asked me to. but he would never.”

#house of the dragon #hotd #hotd x reader #hotd headcanons #aegon the usurper #aegon targaryen #aegon targaryen x reader #female reader #male reader #gender neutral reader #x reader

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