For the benefit of those whose first language is not English, or who struggle with subtitles/closed captions (where they were provided), I’ve done transcripts of Season 3. You can find them by clicking here. You’ll need to click through the Discretion Advisory button, and do note that there is very strong language throughout all the episodes.
There’s also a link to download a Word or PDF document containing the transcripts of all three seasons and the New Year special, together with the Outtakes from the DVD (which I haven’t yet updated with the new footage on Britbox).
For anyone thinking that the spoken words without the visuals are useless, my transcripts do include a lot of detail of facial expressions, voice tones and visual descriptions of what’s happening where it’s relevant. There’s an example – the first scene – below the Read More.
DAVID: It’s just been nice to do something new.
MICHAEL: Yeah, must have been.
DAVID: Don’t like resting on my laurels.
MICHAEL: No, you don’t.
DAVID: Like to push myself, as you know.
(Michael is sitting in his kitchen. There are Christmas decorations and lights behind him, and two Christmas stockings are pinned to the side of the fireplace. One has the initial “L” on it and the other has “M” on it. He takes a drink from his mug.
Footage is shown of a Japanese city, then cuts to an airport. David appears to be sitting on the floor against a wall in the airport, one arm leaning on a suitcase beside him. We can see the bottom right-hand corner of a yellow sign stuck to the wall in the top left of the screen. He is wearing earbuds and has his laptop open in front of him. Announcements in Japanese can be heard.
Michael leans back and yawns and runs his hands over his face.)
DAVID (sarcastically): Oh, I’m so sorry. Am I keeping you?
MICHAEL: What? No, no, no, no. No, we’ve just been at this for a while now.
DAVID: Am I boring you?
MICHAEL: It’s nearly midnight.
DAVID: Sleep in!
MICHAEL: I can’t! I have responsibilities.
DAVID: Like what?
MICHAEL: Er, like Christmas trees. Um, family. Love.
DAVID: I wanna tell you about my laurels.
MICHAEL: And I sincerely do wanna hear about your laurels.
DAVID: It was an adventure.
MICHAEL: Was it?
DAVID: I pushed myself.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, I mean, you are doing an advert for cream cheese.
DAVID: But in Tokyo. And I drove a car.
MICHAEL: Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo?
DAVID: Not a fucking clue.
MICHAEL: Well, I’m sure they will when they see you drive a car.
DAVID (smiling): I’m spreadin’ the word.
(Michael sits back and sighs.)
DAVID: Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?
MICHAEL: I’m not in a mood.
DAVID: I’m stuck in an airport.
MICHAEL: Well, whose fault is that?
DAVID: I need distracting!
MICHAEL: Buy a book.
DAVID: Shops aren’t open yet.
MICHAEL: Write a book. When do you board?
DAVID: I dunno. There’s a delay.
(Michael leans his elbows on the table and lowers his head, running his hands through his hair.)
DAVID: Hang on. Have you dyed your hair?
MICHAEL (sitting back): ... No.
(David peers at the screen.)
DAVID: It’s looking terribly lush and youthful.
MICHAEL (gesturing to the Christmas lights behind him): It’s just the light in this room.
DAVID: Knock knock.
DAVID: Come on!
DAVID: Come on! Play with me!
MICHAEL: No. Play with yourself.
DAVID: Oh, saucy! What’s the first rule of improvisation?
MICHAEL (tiredly): Never say no.
DAVID: Never say no! Give me a location, go on.
MICHAEL: Um, Tokyo airport?
DAVID: Less specifically geographical.
MICHAEL: An airport.
DAVID: Give me a character.
MICHAEL: Hyperactive Scottish actor waiting for a plane.
DAVID: Oh, interesting. Who’s he talking to?
MICHAEL: Hestia, the god of patience.
DAVID: Give me a genre.
MICHAEL (burying his face in his hands): Tired romance.
DAVID: Knock knock.
(Michael sits back, almost snarling in exasperation.)
MICHAEL (loudly, towards the door): Go away!
DAVID (in a rough Scottish accent): I’ve got a parcel for ya!
MICHAEL: I never ordered anything.
DAVID (in the same accent): Label says ‘Michael Sheen.’
MICHAEL: Yeah, there’s no Michael Sheen in here.
DAVID (shaking the imaginary parcel): I think it’s a big bottle of hair dye. Can ye use it? It’s from a lovely lad name of David Tennant.
MICHAEL: Never heard of her.
DAVID: Ah well, shall I just leave it outside?
MICHAEL: Um, I couldn’t give a fuck. I tell you what: set fire to it and throw it at a badger.
If I had a nickel for every time an ethereal being realized they're in love with the person they've been dating for centuries but still refuse to acknowledge as their friend, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that Neil Gaiman did it twice.
Neil Gaiman: The truth is that Michael was meant to have played Crowley. That was where it all began: was me going, 'Who do I know who could be Crowley? Michael Sheen loves the book, Michael would do it.', called Michael, do you want to do it, and he's like, 'Yes!', I thought, 'Great, I have a Crowley.'. So when I started writing the scripts, I was writing them going I know I have - at least I have my Crowley, I have Michael Sheen. And around the middle of Episode 3, I was going, 'This Crowley doesn't really feel a lot like Michael Sheen.', and I wrote this sceen when Crowley comes down the center aisle of a church hopping like a man on a beach on a hot day 'cause it's walking on holy ground and I thought, 'David Tennant would be really good at that, I could get David Tennant.', and then when it was all done I figured I had to break it to Michael, that he wasn't going to be Crowley, that I wanted him to be Aziraphale, and he read the scripts, and we had this really really awkward dinner, that because I was trying to pluck the courage to break it to Michael that I wanted him to play Aziraphale, and Michael was trying to find the way to break it to me that he did not want to play Crowley that he wanted to play Aziraphale having read the scripts. So it was an awful dinner until the end where we just like, 'Oh, you too?! Oh! Oh, good! Well I'm thinking of David Tennant, oh good you like him. Okay.' So it became a lot easier at that moment.