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syoddeye · 3 months

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siphon, part four

john price x f!reader part one | two | three | four ~2.3k words cw: kidnapping, implied stalking, dubcon/noncon oral, blood, violence, gore, death

An opportunity arises more than a month into your 'stay'.

"I'm takin' off for a few hours," John announces.

The dishes in the sink rattle beneath the dropped scrub brush. You tuck your chin to your shoulder and glance back. "Oh?"

He stands in the mouth of the hall in a jacket, thumbing through a keyring. "Got an errand."

The question forms instantly, but you hold it back for fear of appearing too eager. Returning to the dishes, you finish rinsing a plate and set it on the drying rack. Behind you, you listen to him putter between the den and the kitchen.

"I assume I'm staying here?"

John hasn't left you alone since you woke up in the backseat of his truck, head splitting. Since then, you've studied the cabin, inside and out. Wherever you are, the location is remote, thickly wooded, and mountainous. A minimum of an hour outside of the city. It's clear he took great pains to ensure you remain indoors. Although he's yet to employ the many security measures beyond the locks on doors and windows, you've observed an alarm panel. You've seen the gun. Then there is his favorite method of control - his sheer physicality. John's built, solid, and efficient. From the books on history, war, politics, and self-sufficiency, your working theory is he's former military. There is no need for a leash when he can outrun you.

He doesn't answer.

You turn to face him, untying the ridiculously frilly apron you might've thought was cute if a boyfriend had given it to you—not your kidnapper. Captivity has a way of killing romance.

His eyes fixate on your hands loosening the garment, and you watch as he selects two keys from the ring by feeling alone. The keys are simple brass, two different sizes. He plays with them idly, evidently lost in some sick domestic fantasy. You stare at them a moment longer – oh. You know where the keys go.

With his preternatural instincts, John returns to earth, raking his eyes from your form as you hang the apron. You cannot stem the burgeoning panic mounting in your chest.

"Sweetheart–"

"No."

As if you have a say.

John considers you, his gaze light and careful when he glances at the kitchen around you, but it settles heavily upon your person. He cracks his neck and pushes the key ring back into his pocket.

"Care to repeat yourself?" He echoes.

You inch to the right. Steps away, a pair of kitchen shears sits. Tonguing your lip, you reach for a reason—any reason—to let him hear reason. "I'll be good. Cuff me to the couch, lock me in the bathroom…Please. Don't put me back in there."

He tracks your movement. He tracks everything. "Not how it works, 'm afraid. C'mere."

This isn't how it is supposed to go. Maybe fucking John didn't grant you the access you thought it would, but it is supposed to make him believe you housebroken. Amicable to whatever plans he has for you, which, you know, he has. He's ruining your plans. Ruining everything.

"Please, I'll-"

"This is not a negotiation. Now come here." He beckons.

A petulant anger flares in your belly. Asking John into your body every night is supposed to mean something. If he puts you back in the kennel, it's all been for naught. He acts as if it's beyond his control, that he didn't contrive the entirety of this nightmare. It shatters something inside of you.

With the force you pull the shears out, the utensil holder cracks on the counter. John curses, closing the distance in three giant steps, and you fight a losing battle. He wrenches them out of your hand, tosses them, and drags you by the hair. You kick and slap with your free hand, but with a cruel rip of his hand, you feel hair come away.

He hauls you down the short corridor. Your breaths come in quick gasps as panic claws its way up your throat. You bark and fight like a stray dog on the business end of a catch-all. It's fruitless.

"Fuck you!"

"Later."

John fishes the keys out, unlocks the room, throws you into it, and slams the door behind him. You bolt into the corner. He ignores you while he opens the cage.

"Now," He points a finger at the entrance.

It isn't fair.

"I'm going to kill you." You blurt out.

John looks unimpressed, sighing. He advances slowly. There is no gentleness in his posture.

"Fuck you." You repeat in a hiss, tensing for the fight you know you'll lose.

His frustration laces with undisguised lust. "Say 'fuck you' again. It sounds like an invitation."

It's inexorable – he violently collects you as if for a dance in the kitchen. You glare through the bars, and he closes the padlock. You both breathe heavier. His hand lingers on the door, and you see the faint imprint of your teeth on the webbing.

"Let's see how much fight you've got left when I come back, hm?"

You lunge for his hand, eager for another bite.

He draws back in time, and his laughter cracks like a whip. "I love you, sweetheart. Nothing you do will change that." He brushes himself off and admires your sulking. "And I've got all the time in the world to change your mind. You'll love me.”

The cabin falls into silence with his departure. You hold yourself tight and take deep breaths. You need to focus. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You could've rolled over and let him lock you up for a couple of hours. But no, you flipped the chessboard like a fucking idiot.

A dripping noise coaxes your eyes to the water bottle. There's a crack in the plastic between the nozzle and the body. Probably broke when he threw you in here. You squeeze your eyes shut tight, reaching for the comfort of sleep. The REM cycle evades you most nights, what with the monster snoring in your ear over your shoulder.

Drip.

Water erodes even the most solid foundations, and you haven't had the luxury of stability in weeks. You grab the dispenser with both hands and pry it from its fastenings. It hurts your hands and takes more energy than you'd like, but it comes loose, and the plastic zip ties snap. Cursing the damned thing out, you hurl it awkwardly through the cage. It doesn't travel far. Doesn't feel as triumphant as you'd've hoped. A stream of water pools from its belly as it bleeds out on its side.

A despairing voice wishes it were you.

Your mouth is dry when he fetches you.

"I'm sorry."

John's grip is ironclad. His face pinches in mild confusion as he helps you from the kennel before a smug smile replaces it.

"What for?"

"Being difficult," You murmur, stretching your legs. "Breaking the water bottle"

"You're a fuckin' brat," He corrects, pointing to the plastic and metal and slurs into your temple. He reeks of whiskey. "Pick it up. Then do the dishes."

You follow him out into the kitchen and suppress a groan. Your stomach grumbles, smelling the late dinner he cooked for himself when he returned and before he let you out. Beside the sink, your destination sits a tin of tuna singled out from the others. You open and eat the bland fish before he changes his mind. You fill the sink with warm water and soap and start in on the chore.

John sits in the living room, well within view, smoking a cigar. The stink carries in your direction, cutting through the sterile scent of the dish soap.

For a few minutes, the silence sits like a third person in the room, occasionally interrupted by the clinking of a dish and the dipping of the brush in the water.

"I'm in a better mood," He starts out of nowhere.

You strain to listen, gauging whether it's a conversation or a soliloquy, and then dunk the cracked bottle, massaging the pliable material and working it under the suds.

"I grabbed a pint and told some folks about my woman troubles," he snorts, laughing at his own joke. I got some good advice."

The image of John holding court at some smoky bar comes uninvited. What lies did he tell his fellow patrons? That his 'girlfriend' threw a fit and stepped out of line?

Beneath the water, the plastic cracks within your tight grip. Your arm jerks, sloshing a smattering of bubbles onto the counter. You swiftly clean up after yourself and move on to drying.

"Leave 'em in the rack." John orders, rising from the armchair in the dark of the living room, leaving his cigar to burn out on the ashtray.

You fumble in surprise at his steps. Should be used to it by now. You hurry with the dish towel. "John, there's only–"

"Now."

His tone brooks no argument, not that you were in a position to dare. Swallowing thick, you abandon the chore half-complete and slink into his arms. John bullies you down the hall, grabbing handfuls of your ass. "Told me to be nice to you, eat your cunt a bit." He sighs into your hair, nudging the bedroom door open with a foot.

You don't fight him or gravity and fall back on the mattress.

John looms, eyeing you like a second dinner. Leaves the light on to see every gruesome detail. He makes short work of your jeans and rubs your calves appreciatively before discarding your underwear.

"So I'm giving you a freebie, just this once. I upset you," he explains and kisses your thighs. “You thought you were ready, but have you ever heard of the three-three-three rule, darling?"

"N-No," You stammer when he pinches for an answer.

"Three days, three weeks, three months. The three most important dates when bringing a dog into a home. Though, by my estimates, it's been working just as well for you."

John chuckles before delving into your heart. The lurch in your belly barely beats out nausea.

Three months. You'd rather die.

The sharp jab in your chest demands freedom.

You let him lose himself. It's easy. He's eaten you out for hours before. You carefully disguise your movements as enthusiasm. You shove your shirt up and over your bra, fondling yourself, discreetly withdrawing the nozzle you broke off of the water bottle in the sink.

Dread and anticipation mix, making you tremble and quake. John, of course, thinks it's all him. It is, in a way. You prop yourself up on your elbows, meeting his eyes briefly when he opens them to take in the parting of your lips.

"John, please," You beg, threading one hand through his short hair.

His eyes shut in focus, humming gleefully, and he doesn't see you coming on either front.

Swinging with everything left, you stab the sharp, concave end of the nozzle into his neck. It sinks in like his windpipe wants it. You both jerk, you with relief and him with a pained, wet scream. It's messy. Blood blooms around his fingers where he clutches the metal. You drag your jellied legs across the bed as he stands, stumbling forward to grab you with a desperate and angry hand.

At his peak, you cannot outrun him. Bleeding profusely from the neck? Tips the scales. You book it to the door and the hall, and he comes crashing after you. Adrenaline and pure fucking fear hurl you down to the kitchen. You skid to a halt on the linoleum and lunge for the drawers from which you've seen him draw knives.

John's steps are haphazard and clumsy, but the full weight of his body is behind each one. He thunders down the hall, slurring, trying to push out words. It all comes out in bellows. A dying animal. Seeing you grab a cook's knife, he stumbles, pausing at the threshold of the corridor. Locking eyes, he reaches for the metal tube stuck in his throat instead. He gurgles something that roughly sounds like you bitch.

"I wouldn't do that." You half-heartedly warn, brandishing the knife.

He wrenches it out anyway, hand slapping to the hole immediately after, but there's too much blood. It's too slick. Red sprays. More than you thought.

John makes it one step before he slowly slumps to the ground, and you stalk closer, giving a wide berth with the blade in hand. He sags back to the wall, feebly pressing thick fingers against the gaping wound in his neck. It's useless. You know it. He knows it.

You crouch, naked from the waist down. Even now, he ogles, the shitstain.

"Do you need help, John?"

His eyes narrow, struggling to focus. The blue looks flatter. Vacant.

A genuine smile splits your face.

"Why don't you just ask?"

The truck dies just off the forestry road. Of course. At least hell is in the rearview.

The sun is barely above the horizon, and John's phone still can't get a signal. Cursing him out, you slip the rucksack full of supplies you found while raiding the cabin. You could've grabbed more but couldn't stay there any longer. You pussyfooted over the gun, ultimately deciding it wasn't worth the energy to find the right key or pry the door open. Not for a weapon you've never used before. Finding your shoes was the best discovery apart from the truck keys and his phone. You'll need them for the walk.

It's almost an hour before you hear a car. You hook a thumb, walking forward, staring intently at the bend in the road ahead. Seconds later, an old, two-seater pick-up appears, and though it takes a moment for it to stop, they do.

You clamber towards the driver’s side window as it rolls down.

“Need a ride?”

“Yes, please. My truck died. Can I get a ride to town?”

“‘Course. What’s your name?”

Giddy and relieved, you give your name as you toss the bag into the open bed.

“What’s yours?” You ask, smoothing a hand over your forehead.

Your unwitting rescuer smiles. Jesus, he’s handsome.

“Kyle.”

#john price x f!reader #john price x reader #john price x you #price x f!reader #price x reader #price x you #cw violence #cw kidnapping #cw noncon #cw blood #cw death #darkfic #read the content warnings for the love of all things #got whatever that was out of my system

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writers-potion · 13 days

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howdyyy, currently writing a romance fic and I’m having some major issues here.

how would you write a romance between an autistic character and an OCD character??

i’ve done some research and turns out the autistic character would most likely show affection by gift giving (not one for physical affection).

i don’t know too much about the character with OCD (i’ve done research and I have the disorder myself). they’re really affectionate, like a total shoulder to lean on, yet afraid of actually letting someone in because they’ve been left behind by people in their life.

as of now I just have a few nerdy dates they’ve went on, with the OCD character enjoying it and falling in love but trying to distance themself.

ty for all you do <3 i need ur wisdom!!

Autistic x OCD Character Romance

Hi! Thank you for the ask 🙂

A few notes before I start

I understand that the symptoms of autism and OCD vary, and the things I suggest here won’t apply to everyone!

Since both the OCD and autistic character will have their own quirks, letting the romance work will be a matter of how they would suit, given their personalities and dating styles.

Autistic Character in a Relationship

Their need for solitude would be real. For them, the time they spend with the other will be included in their “social quota” for the day, and they won’t be too open to meeting the other’s friends and family over the weekend.

An all-encompassing interest may be their only true form of relaxation. An OCD character will understand the feeling of an act being a necessity – this can be a common ground they find comforting.

Their honesty can help the OCD character be more open about their thoughts. Autistic characters have difficulty lying or understanding “white lies”, unintentionally forcing the OCD character to own up to their compulsive/obsessive thoughts. The OCD character may actually find this liberating. On the other hand, it can be frustrating at times.

They may not be able to talk about feelings in their inner world. This can be a huge barrier, and the autistic character may obsessively talk about their all-encompassing interest rather than sticking to an important conversation. This might be something the OCD character can understand better than others.

They’ll show love through practical acts, like silently holding the OCD character’s hand when they’re trying to wash it for the nth time, or tidy up for them when they know it’s stressing the OCD character out.

They often camouflage their true selves for the sake of survival. Camouflaging who you are can lead to exhaustion, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and not feeling in touch with the authentic self.

OCD Character in a Relationship

Since the OCD character has repetitive, intrusive thoughts they don’t want, they’ll often feel anxious and distressed. Think of their mind as a computer monitor where you simply cannot close the tabs you hate seeing. Everyday things will be stressful, so they might be more prone to being snappy/irritable on bad days.

They may be overwhelmed with their obsessive/compulsive thoughts while dating. The autistic character might not necessarily realize this (since they are slow to pick up on nonverbal cues), and they can spend time comfortably distracted in their own thoughts.

The Key is Communication

The biggest challenge with such a relationship is that it’s going to be more difficult for both characters to understand what the other is feeling.

If they’re to have a stable relationship, they’ll have to learn to (1) be honest with themselves (2) learn how to communicate their thoughts/feelings in a way that the other can comprehend.

OCD symptoms will become worse when your character is undergoing times of transition and change. Autistic characters will also fare badly under stress and won’t be open to an eye-to-eye conversation. Thus, the two of them learning each other’s “stress points” and the signs they display under stress would be crucial.

Since change is challenging for both of them, show how they try to be least intrusive and take things slow.

Establish Common Ground

Since an autistic character and OCD character are more caught up in their own thoughts than neurotypical people, show how their inner world is penetrated by the thoughts about the other character.

It’ll help to have a common interest they can talk hours and hours about.

Have them bond over the fact that they both have difficulty trying to explain themselves to neurotypical people.

You can:

Include scenes where the character decides that the stress of confronting their authentic self/their fears is worth being with the other.

Have the OCD character meet the people around the autistic character, trying to understand the person. The autistic character may

Have scenes where one/two of them are just too tired for the patient understanding the other needs. Show how they take a break, then come back for a calmer conversation.

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neoheros · 4 years

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sneaking out headcanons feat. gym 3 squad ♡ — also this is all gonna be set in an au before or without the quarantine, so don’t leave your house please!! social distancing is important and people are dying!!

kuroo tetsuro

listen LISTEN

sneaking out is terrible and you should never do it because it’s dangerous and risky

and you as the woke and understanding gen z that you are definitely respected that

but , BUT , BUUUUT !

the minute your boyfriend snapped you a photo of him in his car with him rubbing his tired eyes captioned “couldn’t sleep, dreamt of u”

your morals were OUT THE WINDOW and now it was your turn >:// !!!

kuroo: i know it’s 4 am but what’re the chances you’d hop out for a quick trip to chick-fil-a 👉👈

you, purposely taking two minutes to reply: why are you still awake

kuroo, who knows you like the back of his hand: babe don’t lie to me, it’s embarrassing for the both of us x

so you agree !! because it was kuroo, the love of your life, the man you’d simp for, and he’s paying for food so hell fricken yeah

you throw on a hoodie, lock your doors, fluff up the bed to make it look like someone was sleeping in it just in case and you gently make your way towards your window

due to personal reasons, you want to pass away

you suddenly remember why you hated sneaking out and boy — the food kuroo was buying you better be worth it

the only way you were actually gonna get down from your two story house that idiotically doesn’t have a roof ledge was if you grab onto the tv satellite that latched by the sill

from your window you see kuroo’s car parked by the trash cans near your house and he’s got his windshield down signaling at you

mfer pulled out his phone from his pocket and waved as he zooms closer to your figure and he SMILED ?

you were in a dilemma?? and he had the audacity???? the fricken audacity???

kuroo, snapping you the vid he took: babe please you’re so cute you look like a tiny gremlin

you: had me in the first half, not gonna lie

it was a MOMENT for you !! but you just say what the hell and go for it anyways because you only live once apparently and sneaking out with your boyfriend at 4 am was better than sleeping

you grab onto the satellite ridge and you pray for mercy that it doesn’t make a sound or loosen up because if anyone found out you were doing this it was definitely kuroo’s ass on the line

while you’re struggling to get down, kuroo’s just in the car ??? laughing his ass off at your current state and you swear that he’s still taking photos

you get down on the cement safely and instead of him pulling up closer to your drive way naaaah he makes you walk to where he was at 😤

you, getting in the car: if i dump you by the end of tonight, just know that the only reason why i didn’t do it sooner is because i wanted food

kuroo, putting on your seatbelt: we’ll get back together in the morning, i’m not worried

so the two of you make your way to chick-fil-a, get food via drivethru and eat in the parking lot with the doors open and the windows down

he still looks very tired and before you even realize it it’s already 6 in the morning

you catch him yawn every few minutes and he always reassures you that he didn’t mind staying up this late :(

he’s baby

kuroo: lets get you home, are you gonna dump me yet?

you, kissing his cheek: no, i kinda love you

kuroo, less sleepy with a lazy smile on his face: aha simp

tsukishima kei

bro if you think he’s a goody two shoes boy who won’t ask you to sneak out at like 2 in the morning , you are so wrong

canonically, he is the most devious and logical character in the entire anime and if he wants to go out with you before the crack of dawn — he fricken will !!

he’s gonna be so sly about it too, nah, he gon make you think it’s your idea to sneak out

tsukki, texting you a tiktok of homemade shrimp rotini at 2:35 am: look what yamaguchi sent me

yamaguchi, who fell asleep three hours ago and absolutely is not in any state to send tiktoks:

so you’re there like ??????

bruv you were just tryna scroll through your twitter feed in peace, why the hell would he send you that like that’s so uncool

because now you were sleep deprived and hungry

you, close to tears: does your house in hell have a pool or

tsukishima, unnerved: i don’t like the concept of swimming

he’s gonna go on about how he didn’t realize what he did and how he’s kinda sorry for waking your hunger but you weren’t born yesterday !! you smelled BS !!

so you facetime him, ready to go off on how unsorry he is and you can already imagine the shit eating grin he must’ve had on

he answers after three rings and he’s in a MFING yellow hoodie with the dinosaur print in the middle, his hair neatly tucked and you just know that he’s got his keys on his fingertips

you, defeated: i’ve been played

tsukishima, heading out the front door: i deny all accusations

you’re not even upset though because this was a perfect opportunity to try the stability of your roof ledge and tbh? who wasn’t unreasonably hungry at 3 am

turns out climbing out your window was harder than you thought and you may or may not have gotten two new bruises on your wrist just by trying

safe to assume that you fell on your ass and since the universe has a particular hatred towards you, your boyfriend arrived at the perfect time to witness all of it

tsukishima: how are you gonna kiss me when you’re too busy kissing the ground

you, tears on your cheeks: if i wanted a bully instead of a boyfriend i would’ve SAID SO

when you get in his car, the first thing he does is ask if you’re okay though and he’s checking your wrists and hands for any scratches or bleeding because 🥺

tsukki: you’re such a clumsy idiot what the hell

tsukki, kicking down the pavement when you’re not paying attention: 💢🪓

you guys end up going to numerous places because most of the drivethrus in town were already closed

you see him get tired behind the steering wheel and you almost have the urge to offer to drive but you didn’t really feel like crashing his car any day soon so

you: lets just head to starbucks hm? get some coffee?

tsukishima, feeling bad because he knows you wanted to get food: we don’t have to

you, in love with him: if you say no i will willingly walk all the way to starbucks by myself , what , you think i won’t do it

so you guys go there and order a couple double shot espressos with a side of scones and muffins and the entire time you’re just trying not to shiver because name one starbucks you’ve been to that hasn’t been unreasonably cold huh i dare you

he notices this and he gives you his hoodie and ITS JUST THE SOFTEST THING OKAY BECAUSE HE’S COLD TOO BUT HE JUST WANTS YOU WARM

you: i knew it, you love me too huh 😌

tsukishima: unfortunately so

akaashi keiji

AKAASHI IS LEGALLY THE BEST BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD !!

like he cannot be a bad boyfriend ?? it’s impossible for him to be so ?????? he’s just built that way ????

he’s the ultimate mixture of respect and self love , god was just like “let’s make this one perfect !!”

he’s DRIPPING in love each other juice and he eats kindness for breakfast so ha !

he physically cannot say no to you because he flat out adores you

( except when he feels like you’re wrong or being irrational to which he’ll politely correct you and educate you because that’s on what? that’s on having a healthy relationship ♡ )

so when you hit him up at 5:23 in the morning after a series of tiktoks that he has yet to see and react to you about, he’s kinda alarmed

but then again he’s also not ?? because let’s face it, at this point, he’s used to you spamming his inbox

the last thing you sent him two minutes ago was a text saying “bro just imagine this: you and me at a maccas drivethru with two oreo flurry’s and a box of 20 piece chicken nuggets — immaculate”

and you didn’t really expect him to reply?

it was five am and you were absolutely shit talking but when you saw his face time status go online you were just like ?????

akaashi, snapping you a pic of him under his covers with very tired eyes: it’s 5:27 am

you, sending him back a photo of you and the 2000 piece puzzle you spent the last two hours doing: that’s not a no 💅

he doesn’t reply and you’re not really upset by it because he probably just fell asleep and that was really cute to you so !!

but then two minutes later he’s facetiming you and you JUMP at the sudden ringing

he’s all tired and his voice is groggy and tight but he’s still smiling as he says “i’ll see you in ten”

YOU ARE !!!! PUMPED !!!!!

you won the boyfriend lottery , holy hell

now the only thing keeping you from seeing your man and the mcdonald’s sign was the eleven foot gap between your window and the solid concrete

you’d usually take the stairs but you just know that your mom would absolutely murder you for trying to sneak out when you should be asleep 💆‍♀️

it was either climbing out by clawing through the pipes or not being able to give akaashi a hug and you were not gonna let that second one happen

akaashi, after reading your two paragraph rant on how unnatural it was for your window to be that high: please be careful

you, haven’t slept in 32 hours: screw careful ! i embody elegance !!

in which elegance was screaming every time your pipes squeaked because dear mercy you did not want to die yet

akaashi, who just pulled up your drive way and is now seeing you almost fall to the ground:

you, on the verge of tears: please catch me

AND he does 🥺

it was a close call and he barely even made it to you when you chose to let go but HE DID ANYWAYS

you kinda fell on him rather than landing smoothly in his arms but that’s okay you were just glad you didn’t die

when you both get in his car, he just takes a hot sec to dust you off and ask if you’re okay and he’s so concerned please tell him you’re fine

he’s such a baby please i can’t believe this shit

the two of you end up in a mcdonald’s parking lot with doja cat blaring on the radio and you guys do your best to hold back your laughter as you eat

it was pretty cold and the sun was rising but honestly you couldn’t find the urge to care since the moment just felt so surreal

you: i’m sorry for waking you btw 🥺

akaashi, showing you his new lock screen which is the picture he took of you when he first saw you climb out the window:

you: i’m less sorry

bokuto koutaro

BOYFRIEND OF THE MFING YEAR

i accept no arguments, go cry about it

i literally don’t care what anyone has to say, bokuto is the only man ever ? he’s so deserving of every right on earth i’ll cry

the way that this is the third night in a row he’s stayed up til 4 am and he’s not even alarmed about it

like at this point he’s just accepted that he is nocturnal and that’s that on that !

before he actually had the idea to ask you to sneak out for him, he debated whether or not it was worth it

you needed sleep and you barely got any so when he knew you were resting he absolutely refused to message you :(

but then he also thought about how you would love to have a large dunkin iced coffee right now

and he was already getting ready for his morning fix so why not just ask harmlessly?

if you weren’t going to respond then he’d be okay with that because he knew that you were resting well

but if you were going to answer his consecutive texts with a positive reply then HE IS 🥺 over the moon

you, barely awake: can we get a venti triple shot latté instead , my caffeine tolerance is SHOT

bokuto, snapping you back within a minute: babe you are delusional if you think i’m gonna let you drink that

so it’s 5 am and your parents are in the other room asleep but you know that their jobs start pretty early so you had to get a move on

your room wasn’t that high from the ground to be honest, so you weren’t really worried about falling off

what you were worried about was how dizzy and out of depth the melatonin gummies made you because in order to fall asleep you took 3 and now that you basically forced yourself out of a self induced coma, your body was on the verge of passing away

bokuto tells you that he doesn’t mind if you’re not up for the trip and he’d just bring you back your coffee BUT NAH

you’re not a quitter 🤬 you miss your boyfriend and you are gonna do whatever it takes to spend some quality morning time with him !!!!!

so you throw on a proper outfit, make your way through your window and gently do your best to refrain from yelping every time your hand would slip from the railing that’s keeping your balance

bokuto, pulling up seeing you on your roof: you’re so strong 🥺👉👈

you, barely alive: all for you baby ❤️

he helps you get down from where you stood and he had the prettiest smile on earth i SWEAR when you immediately sank in his cold chest

he apologizes for making you sneak out like that BUT NUH UH YOU DO NOT LET HIM

he is a gift !!! and you knew how tired he must’ve been too since he kept yawning but he still took the time and energy to pick you up 🥺

he fastens your seatbelt in the car and puts the windows up because he knew that the air would get in your face and you didn’t like that

he even brought you a spare hoodie of his because he remembered how much you swooned over this particular fabric

bokuto: we’ll get you some coffee but you can sleep while i drive, ok babe?

you, trying not to cry: are you single because i really want to kiss you

bokuto, kissing your cheek: i’m dating someone i’m sorry

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hopelesshawks · 3 years

Text

Physical Fatality Part 10- Salve

18+ Hawks x fem, pro hero!reader

Summary: You’re a rising star in All Might’s agency. Hawks is the darling of Endeavor’s. By virtue of your job descriptions, the two of you are supposed to hate each other, or at the very least be cautiously neutral. For a long time that’s exactly what the two of you did. You stayed out of each other’s way and formed little opinion of the other. One fateful night at an HPSC gala changes all that. Based on the album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey.

If you don’t want to see Physical Fatality content blacklist #hopelesspf

This story will have multiple NSFW parts so it is 18+ ONLY minors dni

Warnings for brief mention of background character death and description of unprotected sex

Masterlist

“The first person I ever loved was named Kiyomi.”

It’s certainly not how you expected Hawks to start this conversation but it had taken nearly half an hour of him pacing for him to sit down next to you on the bed and spit out even that much so you decide to just let him talk.

“I was 18, fresh onto the hero scene and still in that post-debut hustle trying to prove myself. She was a college student. She told me that we’d make it till she graduates. I told her heroism would be worth the wait but she wanted me in an office with a 9-5. We didn’t last. The next girl I fell in love with was Yua. I thought it’d be better because she was a hero too so she’d understand, but before I could ask her out she died in a villain attack. Then there was this one girl with an attitude I met on a mission up north. We never told anyone we were together and in the end we both had way better things to do so we didn’t last long, but I always think about her when I’m in the area.”

“Hawks why are you telling me all this?” you finally ask, starting to get impatient for him to reach the point. You didn’t relish in hearing about his past lovers even if you figured he was telling you for a reason.

“I’m getting to the point I promise. The last one before you was Mirko. I loved her but I lost her because as great as things were going she wanted more time from me and I loved work more than I did her. But when I met you? Fuck (y/n) it was like every single person before you was suddenly meaningless. That night at the gala I was looking for Mirko but the moment I laid eyes on you I forgot all about her. You are genuinely the first person I’ve ever loved more than anything else and I’m sorry I hurt you baby, I am. It’s not that I don’t love you, I’m just bad at love,” he finally finishes.

“If you’re so bad at love then why are you here right now?” You ask. “Can you blame me for trying to be better? Look I could lie and say you’re the one that will finally fix me but the truth is I don’t know, ok? I just know that I want you to be. I want so badly for you to be. Can’t that be enough?” he asks, no pleads, of you and it breaks your heart. “It’s not my job to fix you Hawks. Especially when I’ve got my hands full keeping my career from going to shit,” you reply. “You’re right. Fuck, sorry, you’re right that’s not what I meant. I just...,” he sighs running frustrated fingers through his hair before turning back to you again with a desperate but determined look in his eyes. “For the first time I don’t want to be resigned to being bad at this. I’m asking for patience and a second chance,” he clarifies. “I’m scared,” you finally admit and immediately Hawks is kneeling in front of you, his hands gently cradling either side of your face as he forces you to make eye contact with him. “I know that you’re afraid I’m gonna walk away again but I won’t. I swear to you I won’t,” he promises and his eyes are so full of conviction that your resolve finally crumbles. There’s no denying how genuine he is in this moment and you are so, so tired of hurting him. So you let go of the anger and the hurt you’ve been clinging to for dear life since the moment you read that damned article. “I believe you Keigo,” you confess and it’s one less weight on your shoulders.

You’re shocked at the desperation with which Keigo surges up to press his mouth to yours, his once gentle grip tightening possessively. He pulls away just a bit, his forehead still pressed to yours. You’re both out of breath and panting already and you’re about to close the distance between the two of you again but Keigo pulls away. You whine your disagreement as your hands go to his shirt to try and pull him back into you but he insists. “Say it again,” he commands, his voice shaking. “What?” you ask dazed. “I need to hear you say it again. Please.” “I believe you Keigo.” “Again.” “I believe you Keigo.” “I love you. I’m so sorry.” “I love you too.”

Finally his hands move to your waist, slipping underneath your shirt to find bare skin, and it’s like cool salve on a burn. You hadn’t even realized how deeply you’d ached for him all this time until he was laying you down against the bed. His body baring down on you as he presses you into the mattress. Your lips connect again and all you can think is that you need more of him. You open your mouth in an invitation he gladly accepts to slide his tongue in and tangle it with yours. The kiss lacks finesse, it’s probably the sloppiest the two of you have exchanged, but now is not the time for gentle, tantalizing skill. Not when the two of you have been denying each other all this time. The two of you separate only for brief intervals in order to shed clothing and underwear until there’s nothing left keeping you apart. Finally, finally it’s just skin on skin, your hearts pounding in your chests as if trying to escape and finally be together. “Need you,” you murmur against his lips and he immediately nods, his yearning for you just as overwhelming as yours for him. He presses his throbbing erection into your tight, wet heat so slowly and carefully as if you might break. Or perhaps more accurately as if you might disappear. You realize that every kiss, every touch, every movement he’s made has carried an element of disbelief, as if he cannot fathom that he’s finally with you like this again. By the time he’s fully seated inside you Keigo is absolutely trembling. The two of you stay like that for awhile, just breathing each other in, appreciating the intimacy of being so connected. One of your hands caresses Keigo’s cheek. “Baby why are you shaking?” you ask, even though you’re afraid of the answer. “I just thought I’d never have this again,” he confesses. “I’m so sorry Kei,” you whisper but he shakes his head. “I deserved it.” “No you didn’t. Not all of it.” “I’m the reason everything’s fucked now.” “Faced with Endeavor and the evidence you had, I probably would’ve done the same thing if I were in your position. And the paparazzi stuff I played a part in too.” “But I hurt you.” “And then I hurt you right back.”

It’s quiet for a moment as the two of you let the words hang in the air. You expected the admission to feel heavy but you actually feel the lightest you have in weeks. “We really are a mess aren’t we?” you finally chuckle with a slight shake of your head. “I’d rather be a mess with you than perfect with anyone else,” he swears. “That’s a bit corny isn’t it?” you tease. “Oh absolutely. But I mean every word of it,” he replies easily before pressing a sweet kiss to your lips. It doesn’t take long for it to become heated again. “I’m gonna need you to start moving baby,” you whisper into his ear as one of your hands drifts to the base of his wings to spur him on. “Shit Love, well I guess if you need me that bad,” he smirks but a quick tug on his feathers has him hissing instead. He gives a quick roll of his hips in retaliation before starting to move in and out of you in earnest. God how you’ve missed this, missed him. For the first time since everything went to shit you’re not worrying about your career or All Might or the press or anything else. With each languid thrust, each muttered curse, each lust-filled moan, Keigo cleanses you of the worries and anxieties that have haunted your every waking moment. In him you find relief and bliss and ecstasy, such sweet ecstasy. When the two of you reach your climaxes your moans sound more like sobs as you cling tightly onto each other, scared to let go and risk discovering this was all a dream.

When you both come down from your highs Keigo doesn’t let go, just cuddles you close to him and let’s his feathers tuck you both into your bed. “Do you have any other plans for tonight?” he asks. You shake your head no as you bury yourself closer against him. “Good,” he responds before pressing a kiss to the top of your head. Hours pass the two of you by as you simply hold onto each other, barely speaking, just reveling in each other’s company. You don’t even notice yourself drifting off to sleep, it’s just one moment you’re listening to the quiet sounds of Keigo’s breathing and the next you’re slipping into the first restful sleep you’ve had in a long time.

You wake up to the sound of Keigo’s alarm. He shuts it off quickly but makes no move to extricate himself from your hold or otherwise get out of bed. “You gonna get up and go to work?” you ask. “Don’t really want to,” he sighs, “I’d rather stay in here with just us.” “We can’t stay in here forever,” you point out. “You sure about that? It sounds infinitely more appealing than dealing with Monoma this early in the morning,” he groans. “Believe me I wish we could too, but you have terrorists to catch and I’ve got people to save so,” you gently remind him. “Five more minutes?” “Fine, five more minutes.”

Five minutes passes by all too quickly and soon the two of you are forcing yourselves out of bed. It’s oddly reminiscent of that first night together. Both of you getting redressed without nearly the urgency you should. Both of you ignoring the dread building at the thought of stepping out of the little bubble you had created. Once you’re both dressed and ready you link hands again and step out of your room. Almost immediately you feel the weight of your responsibilities land heavily on your shoulders once again. The two of you move through the apartment to your front door and it feels like that crossroads moment in the hallway when both of you had run opposite directions without so much as getting a name. You hope he’ll understand why you’re going to once again choose to part ways. “You go on ahead Love, I think I’m going to wait to head to the office until closer to my shift,” you tell Hawks as you hesitate in the doorway. “Are you sure?” he asks. “I’m sure. You go ahead though, tell the others I say hi,” you insist. He gives you a worried look but agrees, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead before leaving. “Looks like you two are doing better,” a voice comments behind you. You turn around to find your new roommate standing watching you as he eats cereal out of a bowl nonchalantly. “I’m gonna be honest I have already forgotten your name again,” you confess. “Denki.” “Right, Denki. Thanks I guess.” “You’re welcome. Why didn’t you go with him to work?” “All of my coworkers except for the ones who will be busy working with him think I’m a traitorous slut.” “Yikes.” “Yea.” “Anyway I can help?” “You could make me breakfast to make up for picking the lock on my door.” “Fair enough.”

Author’s Note: This was difficult to write tbh because the content from the song it’s based on tapped out pretty quickly and I needed to figure out narratively where else it needed to go, especially considering what’s coming down the pipeline. I hope the result was satisfying and you guys enjoy it though

Taglist [open]: @akkaso @cathy8taffy @eeppff @iikillerkitteh @pixelwisp @pokesosa @lildockel @bread0nhead

#hopelesspf #hawks #wing hero hawks #hawks x reader #hawks x y/n

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minnie-mei · 4 years

Note

hi! would you please do headcanons for the miya twins sharing a darling? 🥺 hope you have a great day!

Yandere! Miya Twins sharing a darling Headcanons

this has given me inspiration for a fic possibly maybe

NSFW WARNING!!! (takes place at the bottom mostly)

The twins are both protective obsessives, but they have differences in their tendencies

Osamu is on the manipulative side of things

While Atsumu is more possessive

neither of them are delusional at all

When it comes to their dynamic, Osamu is the one that 'sets the rules' so to speak

he's the more strategic and self aware twin in this scenario, which is established before they make any moves on you

he's also the more lucid one as well

understanding that their actions aren't right, but not really caring

He makes all the major plans when it comes to kidnapping you or just handling you in general

with osamu there, it's very unlikely the twins would ever get caught, as he is very intelligent and knows how to keep you under control and cover up everything they've done

Atsumu tends to be a little more reckless with their darling

he's still very smart as well, but his urges often get the better of him (unlike his twin)

he's very touchy and teasing, always messing with you in both good and bad ways

A little sadistic with his actions, he also really enjoys degrading you in certain situations

he thinks calling you things like 'little whore' is hot

Although Osamu comes up with the rules for you, Atsumu is who enforces them and punishes you in most cases

And despite the fact that they share you pretty equally, almost everything becomes a competition for them

they don't make it obvious to you, but they pay close attention to who you sit closer to, who you blush around more, who you talk to more, who you come to first when something's wrong, etc.

When in the bedroom, they usually take turns with you )not wanting to really touch each other), but they do sometimes take you at the same time

they like to know who can make you feel better

who can make you cum the most times is what they focus on often

Even before they kidnapped you (they definitely DO kidnap you), there was competition between them

Osamu notices how the small crush they developed on you turns into more of an obsession

they then distance themselves from you, partly because they want to get rid of the hold you have on them and partly so they wouldn't be suspected if they ever acted on their feelings

But no matter their distance, they still make a habit of stealing things from your bag and comparing them to see who got the better things

they can control their jealousy of each other relatively well; they're competitive but they're still brothers and are in on this together

but they CANNOT control their jealousy of other people

if there's a person you seem to have a crush on? they spread some pretty nasty rumors about them to get you to abandon your feelings

I'd say they have the same level of jealousy, but Atsumu expresses it obviously while Osamu is subtle

even after they have you, they still don't want you to think of anyone else the way you should think about them

If I'm being completely honest, your living situation wouldn't be bad at all as long as you behave

you'd have a good amount of freedom and would be able to do 'normal' things with them in the house

should you act up, these freedoms will be taken away

Osamu tries to keep the punishments from getting physical, preferring to just lock you up as a time-out and treating you as a child

he has more tactic behind this than is obvious: by treating someone in a childish manner, they tend to lose independence and act younger

that's how he likes it

Atsumu, however, like when the punishments get a little physical because that's his domain

he especially likes spanking you and slapping you in the face

the punishments overall never go too far, the farthest being maybe a couple broken fingers, because they both have some sense of love for you and don't want you ruined

most physical punishments are just things like biting, slapping, and bruising

Again, Osamu does his best to keep that from happening

but Asumu will find any excuse to punish you when his twin isn't there

he does get tires and soft sometimes though and will be sweet to you; it's mainly in sexual scenarios when he gets rough

Though they never let you go anywhere until well after stockholm syndrome has set in, Osamu likes dressing you up

mostly in pretty outfits (frilly skirts and dresses), regardless of your gender

he likes when you look like a delicate little doll he can just hold

Atsumu also likes seeing you like this, but doesn't enjoy the process of dressing you up and such like Osamu does

he likes it for more lustful reasons, but because it's osamu's thing, he doesn't usually act on urges

just teases you a bit

Once they graduate high school and move on with their lives, you end up spending more time with Osamu because of Atsumu's busy volleyball schedule

(unless it's off-season, when you stay home with 'Tsumu)

With this being far into your time with them (5 yrs or so) Osamu trusts you enough to bring you to his restaurant while he works, as long as you stay in his office

You're also allowed to go to Atsumu's games as long as Osamu is there with you as well

Atsumu's teammates are under the impression that you're his fiance, and the same with Osamu and his staff

luckily the two worlds never really collide so all is good there

Osamu is much gentler and domestic with you, and aims to have kids in the future

Atsumu doesn't really care to have kids; with his high sex drive, he feels kids will just get in the way of his time with you

should you end up pregnant, both of them would act as a father even though Osamu is low-key better at it

Marriage never really happens, it just kinda reaches the point where they call you their spouse

To add a little nsfw ;)

Atsumu is very kinky and degrading, he marks you constantly

he's selfish wants to pull your hair and treat you bad, but still wants to get you off

likes spitting on you

to him, even if you say no, as long as you're wet/hard that's consent to him

Osamu is a giver and gets off on you getting off, he loves to overstimulate you

on the rare occasion that he's pissed off, he goes hard and rough

he won't fuck you if you say no, but will still give you oral or make you watch him jack off over you and cum on you

ok so that's all I'mma say for now but I really like the idea of this so people should really request scenarios for them like rn

_____

-Admin Duckie

art by 5600cm on twitter or insta

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slashingdisneypasta · 3 years

Note

Hi! If you don't mind could you write me some headcanons about being bff with some female cp's? Like Jane, Nina, Clockwork, Nurse Ann...?

One of my best friends is called one of these names so it was odd to write XD Some headcanon’s were totally true about her as well, and some definitely were n o t. XD

Anyway I’m not sure how comprehensive this is since I just kinda spewed it all out so, uh… I hope you like them! 😅

~~~

Clockwork:

· Natalie stays at your house all the time and eats all your food. Girl has a FAST metabolism so you cannot tell, but she eats e v e r y t h i n g.

· She doesn’t even have a key to your home, you just come home from everyday activities and she’s slumped in your couch cushions watching TV and there’s a pool on your bathroom floor from her shower and- oh, she has also ordered pizza so get your wallet out.

· You just squint/glare at her before flopping on the couch beside her. She hands you the remote and gets comfier by you.

· Even when you have a romantic interest over, she is there at your house, comfortable on the couch playing games on your phone as you walk your ‘friend’ to your room.

· It’s not all frustrating though, she’s always there to protect you. There have been multiple burglaries that she has intercepted and ‘taken care of’. She’s honestly like a guard dog who also has an excellent sense of humour.

· And don’t think she just wants you around for your apartment and money. Nay nayyyyyy nay. She tells you all about the Creepypasta drama and what’s going on at the mansion, even though you aren’t apart of that life.

· And she calls when she’s away. Just calls up to talk to you.

· You two are the kind of friends that don’t need to talk to each other all the time. In fact, you agree that talking to people all the time is annoying and too much trouble, and you could totally go without each other for days (Weeks even) if either of you were busy! But… without either of you even realising, you always end up contacting each other in one way or another every day, anyway. Its easy with you two. No romantic relationship could compare.

· She was the groom and you were the bride in your make-believe weddings and mums and dads games as kids.

· On Toby: “Okay Nat, I like Toby but I hope you know, if he hurts you… well there is absolutely nothing I can do to wreak revenge on your behalf, as he is a duo hatchet wielding psychopath, except maybe give him a stink eye. … When he is looking away and therefore cannot see the stink eye.”

· More on the Toby subject: Clockwork once took you to Slender Mansion (Cuz you were targeted by a botched victim of hers because she cares about you and she wanted you close by to keep you safe until she could, like, finish killing the guy and all. Whatever though, no biggie. Pft, At least that’s how she made it out to be.) and she had to leave you for a moment so she handcuffed you and Toby together because he’s the only one she could trust to watch you.

· It was very awkward for the two of you, but definitely a bonding experience. You were both very happy to see Clocky come back though.

· HORROR. The world of horror is your favourite genre together. Supernatural horror, slashers, basement dwellers, vampires, werewolves, the blob, stalkers, murderers, psychological horror, black and white, colour, movies, tv shows, books- whatever. You two get so excited to experience new fictional horror.

Jane The Killer:

· If you’re into boys, let me tell you right away- Jane is very critical of their actions. She was at a very influential time in her life (Especially concerning boys and girls and romance) when she met Jeff and Liu. She met those boys, thought ‘Oh, they’re cute. Maybe budding crush?’, and then Jeff killed her family, burnt down her home and ruined her life and Liu became an asshole, and now the male species has been, sorta… tainted. She knows there are good ones (In fact, m a n y boys are lovely, of course.), but one’s that you’re in romantic cahoots with are always going to be under her very watchful eye anyway so she doesn’t really bother to hold back her fear (Which translates into dislike… or hate) with them. So if you have boy problems, be careful. Provided you like this/these guy/s, at least. If you don’t like them, then she’s the perfect person to go to!

· If you are a boy, then- of course, none of this applies to you. She loves you. Don’t worry. You’re her best friend!

· Girls are an entirely different situation though of course. Jane drinks that love women juice every single day.

· Jane is really good with altering clothes, so she’s the one you go to when you need help hemming something or taking something in. She likes to do it, too. Quality best friend time while not being lazy.

· Speaking of her hating to be lazy… This does not apply at night. Nighttime is a whole other ballgame. Its bedtime by 7 for her if you don’t lock her into plans a week in advance. If she is braless and in her P.J’s, you will not be able to peel her from her home. Except for snacks, but even if she goes to the grocery store, she’s not getting changed and she’s going to wear her bunny slippers.

· You two watch so many cartoons together. Gravity Falls, Star Vs The Forces of Evil, Over The Garden Hedge, Villainous, Looney Tunes, Ducktales, etc. Any and all that you can get your hands on.

· You two are prepared to get platonically married, for any reason. Like, you need to stay in the country? Married; You’re staying. You’re the only one who can testify against hr in the court of law? Married, so by law you don’t have to. One of you accidentally planted yourselves with a kid and (Cuz you’re ride or die for each other, obviously), you’re gonna parent the child together and cuz of religious beliefs one of your would feel better about raising them together with a wedding band? Married.

· Jane doesn’t drink, so when/if you get drunk she’s always there to keep you safe.

· Jane also gets friend-jealous, a lot. Like, that bitch just called you her best friend, Y/N. Is she your best friend? I thought I was. So who is it, Y/N? Me or her? HM? (She is prepared to turn up to wherever you and this person are hanging, all glamorous and cool as she is, and show off. Prove she’s a way better friend then this new person so they back off).

· When you were little, she was the bride and you were the groom in your wedding/marriage/mums and dads games.

Nina The Killer:

· You have known her for both your entire lives and there have been iffy, and dark times but through hell and high water you have stuck with her. You love her. She’s your girl, you are her person too. You will be with her, and protect her from anything.

· You are the only one in the world that loves her, really. You may not quite understand her weirdness, but you stick with her anyway because you love her.

· Just like- baseline of your friendship is being ride or die for each other.

· You were also really into Jeff, but at a more… healthy? Level? Like, you were still romantically interested in a real-life murderer, but you wouldn’t have done anything about it. You wouldn’t hurt anyone (Except to protect others) or victim blame, or contact the victims (Dear God) or whatever, but you would take peaks at fanfiction and gab with Nina about it. I mean, it’s not grand, but in comparison to Nina, hah… you were harmless.

· Now though, that you’ve met him and he is the reason your bets friend is so hurt and broken, you are not the fondest of him. I mean, you still have a place in your heart for the version of him you and Nina made up in your heads (The version that Nina still believes is real) but that isn’t the real him. Jeff Woods is an ass. You need to keep your friend safe from him.

· And uh… so nowadays… occasionally, you will find out where Jeff is (You keep an ear out) and, you know, just… lie your ass off to Nina. Yep. You tell her you heard that he’s in the opposite direction than he is so that she’ll unknowingly put more distance between him and her.

· Yes. It’s a lie, but… its for the greater good! It’s for Nina’s mental health and physical safety.

· Anyway, moving on to lighter things.

· In your make believe mums and dads/’grown up’ games that you would play together as kids, you were a single parent and she was the dog.

· She will lie for you in an instant. She’s also really good at it.

· You walked into a room once and saw she was drawing something, and it turned out to be your joint tombstone. She has not let this go- you will be buried in the same plot together, if it is the last thing she does. This is slightly concerning, but… also kind of cute. You can roll with it.

· “What if I get married or have kids?”

· “They will need to apply with me to join. There will be an interview process.”

· ‘What about pets?”

· “Oh, they can come in! No fee!”

· Do not underestimate her weight. If she doesn’t want you to leave, she will hold onto your leg and go deadweight, and you will s t r u g g l e.

· Nina talks to herself, but she acts like the person she’s talking to is another person, inside her mind. You both know its not, but you refer to the other girl as Agnes anyway. Super casual.

· Follows you when you go on dates (At least the first one with someone)to make sure all goes well and texts you rapid fire when she smells something fishy. Even the smallest thing.

· You two really love dystopian teen fiction. Divergent? Matched? Hunger Games? Maze Runner? Ugles? Alllllll. You consume them and then watch the movies/tv shows too.

Nurse Ann:

· Live-in medical services! This means you can get really cheap life insurance and not worry about it to much.

· And on the topic of insurance… Ann is super smart, and organised, and just really awesome at practical stuff like that. Insurance, bills, mortgages, any kind of forms and receipts. And she’s happy to sit down and help you go through it- and, as we all know, everything is better when it’s with a friend you feel comfortable with.

· You can tell Ann anything and she’ll just roll with it. No judgment. Either she takes it and lets you talk about it or she just acknowledges it and moves on.

· Like Jane, Ann has very little patience for boy problems. In fact, she has zero time for it. Boys? Girls? No thank you. So if you’re into boys, I have some bad news for you.

· Best friend maintenance. Occasionally, Ann will over work herself (with murder) and you will need to guide her to relaxation. Gently persuade her to sit down at the dinner table and just make idle chit chat with her every now and then as you make her a good, hearty meal (Or as good as you can do XD Anything between Beefy stew and a Cheese toastie will work fine, don’t worry. She’s not picky at all), and then watch some movies with her. No phones, no knitting, no drawing, no… whatever. No other activities except TV watching! She needs to rest. I’m always shocked at how relaxing just sitting and watching TV can be. There’s a big difference between doing that and multitasking.

· Ann will call you to pretend there’s an emergency if you want to get out of social engagement.

· A thing that two enjoy together is science fiction. Star Trek (Including the animation), The War of Worlds, the world of Star Wars, Dune, a Handmaids Tail, The 100, Eureka, etc. She loves the brainy stuff.

· Ann is the logical friend, who tries to give the most practical advice and make pros and con lists and everything. And then you go ahead and do the crazy thing, the thing she said definitely would not work and would probably make things worse, and she just face palms and says she’s never getting mixed up in your mess again. … Until the next time, when she totally does.

· “I love you Y/N, but I am not about to walk into a police office and bail you out of jail so do not do that.”

· You trap her into resting by painting her nails (Hands and feet) in her sleep right before her alarm is about to go off so she has to take the morning SLOW or the paint will mess up. She just wakes up, you hold up a sign in front of her face that says ‘NAILS’ and she stops immediately. “You bitch.”

· As kids, of course, the two of you would play make-believe family games and you were both mums (/ or you were the dad). She was the working mum and you were forced to stay home take care the baby (large container of vitamins with a face drawn on).

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eveningfall · 3 years

Note

do you have any advice for long distance relationships? how has yours lasted so long and what do you do to stay so close all the time?

I do! I am in no way a professional, nor do I claim to be the best partner out there, not by a long shot, but my girlfriend and I have done long distance for nearly three years and this is some of the most important stuff that stood out to me, under the cut for organization purposes:

(Note: Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) require a huge amount of effort, patience, and emotional closeness between two people and might not be for everyone. My relationship is irreplaceable to me, and I’m choosing to share what works!)

Make plans together, set aside time for one another

Quality time is key in a long-distance relationship. Because the physical aspect is often spaced apart by huge time gaps, emotional bond is a huge part of what makes LDRs special and wonderful.

For example, my girlfriend and I often call after I have a shift at work or while she’s driving to school. I also keep her updated on parts of my day, and we often set aside time to do things together that just involve the two of us. Skype sleepovers, Minecraft sessions and writing parties have been staples in our relationship since we met. Keeping each other in regular parts of our day to day lives helps us feel connected and included, even when we can’t be there in person.

It probably sounds like simple advice but seriously, do things together often and have regular conversations. Video games (or a shared activity) help facilitate bonding when not much is going on to talk about.

affirmations bro, seriously

Anxiety is the side effect of long distance. It’s okay to be scared- scared of being apart for too long and things fading out, scared of being forgotten, scared of the separation itself, etc. The fear comes from an honest place, but whether it’s you or your partner who’s feeling it, try to be rational and avoid the impulsive urge to act on those fears.

Because of this anxiety, LDRs typically require more (and more regular) reassurance than usual. Remind them often that you love them, miss them, or are thinking about them. Comment on the little things they do that you like. Share songs, video links, and memes that remind you of them, or that you’d think they enjoy. Establish your place in each other’s lives over and over again. It takes a special person to be able to cope with the anxieties big and small that come with long distance, but when done right it is incredibly rewarding.

communication

Incredibly, crucially important. You cannot be passive-aggressive or miscommunicate in long distance. Have those tough emotional conversations, don’t be afraid to be honest when you’re angry or if something they’re doing isn’t helping you. You don’t have to resent on another. Instead, be understanding, be patient, and try to come to a place of agreement. The goal is not to break up with each other, neither wants that. Be blatant with what’s on your mind and remember that they love you.

Remember, it’s not you vs your partner. It’s you and them vs the problem.

establish boundaries

While regular interaction is important, like any other relationship your partner must not become the centre of your universe, or you theirs. Allow yourself and your partner to have other friends, spend time with family, and also have time to yourselves. You don’t need to always be talking.

Jealousy, possessiveness and feelings of exclusion are three risks when it comes to LDRs. Learn to be apart just as much as you learn to be together, and alternately, also remember to talk to your partner if you genuinely feel left out, forgotten or unwanted. Give each other space, reassure one another and build trust.

Boundaries also apply to the nuances of romance/sexuality. Your partner may or may not experience physical/sensual/sexual attraction in the same way that you do, meaning that your comfort zones could be on the same page or entirely different. Attraction and comfort can also fluctuate! Always make sure you’re both feeling comfortable and safe. Respect and understanding means so much in a relationship.

plan to meet one another eventually

Please note the key word here: eventually! I know that many LDRs face some crazy extenuating circumstances and meeting in person might be a long, possibly expensive way away. Make those plans anyway- whether an actual buy-a-plane-ticket-get-together plan or just the hypothetical.

When you’re so far apart, talking about what you’ll do once you can be together, what your first (or next) hug will be like, how excited you are to see each other one day, are all ways to keep that love and excitement alive whilst also subtly re-affirming the other’s place in your life. Like dude, it’s fun to even make a bucket list with all sorts of plans for what you can do when you meet.

Meeting in person is the best way to know whether you want to be together, and stay that way. There’s nothing wrong with planning it out!

don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind (aka just get it out there!!)

I would argue that this might be the most important thing. No matter what stage your relationship is at, learn to be vulnerable with one another and get used to being candid, especially romantically. This is especially important in LDRs.

It’s normal when you’re figuring things out to be afraid to say certain things or touch on certain topics because you’re flustered or nervous, but chances are they’re feeling the same things too. This could be anything from saying “I love you” when you want to, asking directly for something (“I kinda wish I could ___ with you”), to not holding back on compliments, needs, or voicing thoughts related to your partner. If you can manage it, say it.

If it makes you feel self-conscious, it’s probably a good thing to share! Not only can they help you work through it, but it’ll encourage you both to be totally comfortable expressing yourselves and your needs. In both the most innocent and more serious ways, learning to trust and be open with one another will be incredibly beneficial in the long run- it means you’ll be able to talk about anything. You have nothing to hide, they won’t judge you :’)

don’t let nsfw (if applicable) be a taboo thing!

Don’t be afraid or ashamed of anything you think or feel when it comes to yourself or your partner. Learn to be comfortable with expressing some of your thoughts and experiences, your likes and dislikes, and anything else with one another. Like everything else, this is a part of who you are and sexual/sensual experiences can be a shared conversation.

A good middle ground when you’re still breaking the ice in this sense is to let yourselves laugh about it. Don’t be shy- make those bad jokes, call each other out and ask risky questions! Like everything else, comfort is key. The less you have to hold back with one another, the more you can laugh and smile and joke where it helps, the more fun and enjoyable those initial moments will be.

And above all else, support your partner’s vulnerability! Certain topics may be harder for you or them. Accept their honesty and chime in with your own thoughts/ideas. It’ll be fun, I promise.

Just for general advice, I would say make even the little moments special. Make a big deal out of the little things, send each other birthday/christmas presents and love the shit out of each other. You can’t always hug or go on dates like an irl couple but keep in mind that the long distance isn’t forever. It’s a real relationship, don’t let anyone discourage it and remember why you chose your person in the first place. That’s the main thing probably? Do whatever feels best for you and your favourite person.

#ldr #ldr couple #ask.jpg #anonnle #this is specifically for relationships but i can do a friend one as well!#lmk if i need to add anything to this #it lowkey became a masterlist huh #I would like to extend a shoutout to my amazing gf actually #she’s always the one encouraging healthy communication and boundaries around each other and I have so much respect for her #she’s a dummy but she’s taught me a lot :(

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anangelicday-mrwolf · 3 years

Text

Wolfsbane : Noblesse Fanfic (post-ending)

(previous chapter)

Chapter 61 – Classical Is the Best

“...Well? Is it over now?”

Tao muttered as he neared his communicator-plunged ear with his shivering hand, with Rael and M-21 nervously attending.

To their dismay, Takio, who was supposed to be reporting at the scene, was silent.

The men are appalled, assuming that Takio entered the scene when the gas was still lingering, effective.

Thankfully, that was when they could hear Takio’s voice.

<I’d say it’s over. We were standing by in a distance, as we could see the gas ghosting close to the surface.>

“Is that so...? What about the people?”

“What about their body modification? Is it gone now?”

“Don’t tell me it’s not over yet...!”

M-21 and Rael, out of impatience, almost barked into Tao’s ear, forgetting that he was not the only one who happened to be equipped with a communicative device.

<They’re...>

They’re...?

They’re what?!

Hearts clattering at Takio’s statement, the three listeners could not dare to pull out the question stuck in their mouths.

Takio cried out loud, sounding like he would weep as soon as he is offered with a handkerchief; Tao, M-21, and Rael replied with a trio of a sigh so deep they might as well spit their lungs out.

“...What about the 3rd Elder?”

Tao hesitantly added, and they tightened their lips once more, all ears on Takio’s reply.

<...Found him. He’s alive, but... Tao, I think you were right. Looks like that gas did get to him as well. Somewhat.>

Evaluated Takio, looking down at 3rd Elder, his body reeking of fatal fatigue, the sort that modified humans will never get to experience without a life-or-death battle that forces its participants’ lives on a line for at least a dozen times.

Although his body was perfectly clean of physical trauma, the white-haired man remained immobile, breathing like a fish pulled out of water.

Apparently, however, the man did not forget his portion of the mission, and he did not hesitate to ask as soon as he spotted Takio.

“Is... Is everyone okay...?”

“...Yes. Their modification is going away, thanks to you.”

“...No. Don’t thank me. This is... This is all thanks to...”

Cough, cough.

The 3rd Elder coughed lightly, but Takio and Yuigi who joined him started, their shoulders hitching.

Their eyes told them his state was nowhere near serious, but their senses told him he needed hospitalization this moment.

An exchange of looks was all it took Takio and Yuigi to settle to move him to KSA this instant.

“Don’t worry about me... Take care of the... Cough. And... Takio.”

“Y-yes...?!”

“Could you please... Send the fastest among you... To this place I’m about to tell you...? And do it... Now.”

The fastest among us would be Rael.

But more importantly, is there an issue that requires Rael right now?

Barely meeting Takio’s eyes, who was suddenly quivering with anxiety, 3rd Elder whispered, his blue eyes curiously having lost its hue for a tone.

“I’m sorry, but... I need a favor.”

*****

Meanwhile, in Lukedonia

“Huff... Huff...”

Lunark’s hand swiped her forehead, a drop of blood turned viscid with sweat trickling down.

It was more than forehead that was soaked with sweat and blood, but it was the best she could do.

She had been fully committed to this battle, reminding and reminding and REMINDING herself that if she is to slip even for a second, this power will drain away like a school of fish making its escape through the holes in the net.

And the battle was much more onerous than she had envisioned, as she had to put herself against the Dark Spear brandishing its true form AND struggle against this power vigorously bubbling within her like gas next to fire.

Just when the round 2 of this fight began, she had thought that now she can finally understand what Frankenstein would have been burdened with as he wielded the Dark Spear, though this power and Dark Spear are not even similar in terms of essence.

Alas, she learned that she was mistaken – mistaken and hubristic.

‘Just how...? How could Frankenstein walk and talk and smile with this power lurking within him? How could he possess both this power and the Dark Spear? How did he manage to use this power along with the Dark Spear?’

Theory and practice are two different things; Lunark learned that, as she saw for herself how controlling this power was nothing far from hellish.

When she sought openings for her to push and pull against the Dark Spear, the power accelerated on its own.

And when she concentrated this power at her limbs to leave a pregnant blow on her foe, it flailed about and disobeyed her.

‘If this keeps going, I’ll end up losing this power and repeating what happened right before I was thrown into the sea.’

At least, Lunark thought, the Dark Spear was treating her with more caution.

She had been clumsily but persistently building damage onto the Dark Spear, which was by no means meaningless.

And with the knowledge on the power Lunark had made her weapon, it could not dare trash about like it used to.

Notwithstanding, Lunark did not dare dub herself upper-handed.

In other words, the lead of this battle was a flag unmastered, out in the open for either one of them to snatch at.

And both of them knew by instinct that the one who is to prevail victorious in the catch-the-flag will be the one to announce this battle as terminated.

‘Now, what should I do?’

Lunark knew what was the most commonly employed compass at the face of a pathway that requires most essential choice of direction – the basics.

Which is probably why her head retrieved a tip from her parents, from the moment she was just introduced to the art of war and combat, excited to start her baby steps – perhaps too excited, as a beginner full of spirit and clumsiness.

How to win against a strong opponent? Hmm... Very well. It’s bit early for you, but I guess it can’t hurt to save a cat from your curiosity.

The win and loss in a brawl between powerful fighters are commonly decided by a very small element. Including, but not limited to, the out-of-norm degree that is added to your right shoulder. The squint that narrows your vision. The tempo that connects your step to your fist. The elements you’d deem so insignificant that you feel no time or need at all to mind can sometimes aid you to take flight. Or take a fall to your doom.

So, once I become strong enough to keep them all in mind as I fight, does that mean I won’t lose to anyone?

Not quite. A combat is composed of more than punches and slashes and whatever that seems decided. It is bound to be entailed with variables.

Which is why some say a battle between powers will end in only two cases – either it never ends, or it ends in a blink of an eye.

Which is why getting your basics correct is the key. Once you have basics to serve as a rope for you, you will be able to save yourself even if an unexpected makes you take a tumble down the abyss. In fact, you can use it to your favor if situation allows it. Which is why we shall try again! On your feet. Get set – and let’s go!

Reiterating her parent’s teaching in the speed of light, Lunark focused her pink pupils, glowing with crimson ring of light.

‘A battle between powers never ends... Or it ends in a blink of an eye.’

And considering their current situation, Lunark knew her next move must put an end to this fight.

She recalled her not-so-plentiful battle data she had personally earned on Dark Spear, before she kicked at where she was standing.

From her head to toes, the blood-red wings of aura as majestic as a burning phoenix spread out its silhouette.

Dark Spear flinched, but it gritted its teeth and lunged towards her, clearly having realized that there was no way to avoid this collision.

Two storms, one bloody and one dark-purple, swept through everything in their paths in deadly incineration.

Their distances were not great, but for some reason their races had yet to reach the finish line.

“Huh...?!”

Until from Lunark’s shoulders the red aura suddenly started to lose its glare.

Bafflement dripping from every curve and cut in her faces, Lunark hurriedly stomped on her feet; and of course, the Dark Spear did not mean to gape at the moment.

“Looks like Lady Luck decided to smile upon us!”

Dark Spear spread out Frankenstein’s lips to more than what they would normally handle and revealed his teeth.

At the same time, it lashed out its true body like a child waving a balloon at a theme park.

Lunark’s skin could not stay unscathed at the wind smeared with black aura, and naturally she recoiled, her legs taking backsteps.

Now with the flow of the battle in its hands, Dark Spear was no longer reluctant.

For it knew this was its only chance to eliminate her.

Which is why it took a rushed step forward to spear itself into her.

Just as the Dark Spear’s vicious red eyes were targeted upon Lunark right at the tip of her nose, with a thump supernaturally strong hands gripped Frankenstein’s arms under Dark Spear’s control, so strong it might as well have snapped the appendages.

And with a crack Lunark’s head was raised, and Dark Spear’s thoughts froze upon meeting her eyes, to find the red circle of light still very vivid in her eyes.

‘She didn’t lose that power! She tricked me into her grasp...!’

Dark Spear’s belated realization was exactly what Lunark had in mind as she set her trap.

Her original plan was to cumulate physical damage upon Dark Spear, so that it cannot retain itself within Frankenstein’s body due to weariness.

Which was canceled almost immediately.

She did manage to add damage that not even Dark Spear could ignore, but it was none other than Frankenstein’s body that Dark Spear was maneuvering.

‘And the problem lies within Frankenstein, not outside. So it’s no use to beat the heck out of that thing.’

Thus she edited her plan – to return Frankenstein’s body to himself by pouring this power into his physical build.

But with the Dark Spear highly keen on keeping her away from itself, what she needed was a crucial moment.

‘My best option is to make that thing fixed on its spot. I don’t need to perfectly overpower it. Once I secure for myself a second that Dark Spear cannot stay away from me, I’d be able to pour this power into Frankenstein’s body. And if I do that...!’

She wondered how she would be able to pull this off, with Dark Spear held in Frankenstein’s hand; the answer came right away.

And there is a reason why people say classical is the best.

‘Hopefully you’ll give me a pass just this once, Frankenstein!’

Lunark attempted to once again grab Frankenstein’s arm, which was trying so hard to shake her away, as if she were a patient caught with a contagion.

Nevertheless, a crisis is bound to lead to a power unbeknownst before, and Dark Spear was no exception to this rule.

Feeling how her opponent’s arm is about to slip out of her fingers, she gave up on arresting the Dark Spear and took in a huge breath.

Upon making sure both their mouths are open, she weighed her neck with velocity.

And she pressed down a pair of dark purple lips with her own.

(Illustration by. RyO - you can find her DeviantArt page here)

Her eyes were shut tight for full concentration, and Dark Spear’s red eyes snapped open wide in shock.

Almost simultaneously, red cloud of light was recast upon her silent body, to cascade straight into Frankenstein’s body through Lunark’s mouth.

Mumbling with its mouth blocked, Dark Spear fired sinister glints from two red pupils.

If we can’t beat you, we’ll at least make sure you won’t get to feast on your victory!

That was when Frankenstein’s arm clutching the Dark Spear was finally freed, and without hesitation the dark pillar of energy hit right through Lunark’s back with deadly aim, still whipped up with crimson maelstrom.

*****

“...I believe it is over.”

Lascrea, who had been walking back and forth before her throne ever since her initial report on the situation, spoke with her gaze stationed far.

Kei, Karious, Gechutel, and Claudia followed suit, who happened to be present at the Lord’s Hall to protect her just in case.

A series of tremor from sprinting footsteps, too loud and too definite to miss even for humans, was approaching fast and furious.

Soon enough, somebody broke through the doors, almost tackling through the Central Knights who tried to stop him.

“...Frankenstein?”

“...Or are you still that damned weapon?”

Frankenstein’s skin had regained its natural tone, but his upper body was drenched with dark red blood.

Hence the nobles did not relieve their bodies of tension.

At then they took in what he was holding in his arms, and their eyes trembled with distraught.

“I need every doctor in this place right now!!!!”

Frankenstein screeched, his manners and introductions cleanly forgotten.

And nobody blamed or chastised him, for through his fingers squeezing down on Lunark’s back to the best of their possibilities was gushing out a strain of black blood.

“I said right now!!!”

Frankenstein’s eyes, back to their natural-born cerulean, were shuddering as if they would burst any moment.

(next chapter)

Frankie and Lunark’s very first kiss was supposed to happen in this chapter. But I didn’t want to wait for 60 chapters to pass until these two finally kiss. And more importantly, since Dark Spear has taken over Frankie’s body in this chapter, I felt it wouldn’t really be their first kiss. Which is why I moved their first kiss to Ch. 29. XD And finally, Lunark’s battle against the Dark Spear is over, and every battle sequence has been terminated. Now all that is left is the aftermath of the battles and finale for this fic. I assume this fic will meet its end in August or September, and I’ll do my best until I reach there!

#korean webcomic #korean webtoon #fanfic #noblesse #frankenstein #lunark #frankensteinxlunark #lunarkxfrankenstein #wolfsbane #Mr.Wolf #AnAngelicDay

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shrimpmandan · 3 years

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I feel like the only reason the dysphoria debate exists is because a lot of people misunderstand/misinterpret what dysphoria is and what it isn't. This doesn't just go for tucutes, I've seen it from radmeds as well. So, because I have nothing better to do with my time, I'm going to break down GD into the most *layman* terms I possibly can, mixed with my own experiences as a trans guy. This is going off of the DSM-V's definition and criteria for gender dysphoria in adolescents and adults.

The Definition: A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of at least 6 month's duration, as manifested by at least two of the following ...

What It Means: Gender dysphoria is defined as a disconnect, dissonance, or distance between one's gender and their physical sex. Primary sex characteristics refer to the genitalia, which is colliquy known as bottom dysphoria. Secondary sex characteristics include but aren't limited to voice, facial hair, chest, fat distribution, hips, and bone structure.

The Symptom: A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)

What It Means: We've established that "incongruence" can be defined as a disconnect, dissonance, or distance. The dictionary definition describes "incongruent" to mean "incompatible". Your physical sex is incompatible with your gender. Your physical sex doesn't represent your real self, and it creates a feeling of discomfort. Some trans kids who are pre-pubescent may dread puberty because of this fact. Some trans folks may not realize anything is wrong until they're a good way through puberty already. Personally, I didn't fully grasp the differences between the sexes until I was a bit older. I knew boys had penises, and that I wanted one, but that was it.

The Symptom: A strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one's experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, the desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)

What It Means: Have you ever had a fantasy about sawing your breasts or penis off? Throwing your uterus in the garbage? When your gender and sex are at odds, you want to get rid of the parts of your physical sex that are deemed "incompatible" with your gender, or prevent them from becoming a problem at all through the use of hormone blockers. Some trans people feel this less strongly than others, and may focus more on the desire for the sex characteristics of the opposite sex -- which is also a dysphoria symptom.

The Symptom: A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender

What It Means: Have you ever let your thoughts wander about what it'd be like if you were born in a body that accurately reflects your gender? What does that look like to you, and how does it make you feel? For some trans people, they are saddened by this because of what could've, should've been so from birth. Others are overwhelmed with joy at the thought and are excited for when they can pursue transition. Some trans people experience a mix of both! Gender euphoria and dysphoria are intrinsically tied. If you feel all giddy at the thought of being the opposite or some in-between sex, that's a sign you have dysphoria.

The Symptom: A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)

What It Means: This is probably the most straightforward symptom. Have you had long fantasies about being of the opposite or an in-between sex? How did that make you feel? Did you feel happy? A sense of longing? Bittersweet? If you have a strong desire to live as closely to a different sex socially and physically as you possibly can given your circumstances, it's very unlikely that you're cis.

The Symptom: A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)

What It Means: Commonly referred to as social dysphoria, this symptom refers to wanting to be perceived as a different sex by the rest of society. This manifests most commonly with pronouns. Males are referred to with He/Him, females She/Her, and They/Them is a neutral pronoun. For many, this also implies trying their best to pass. This doesn't mean trans people can't be GNC, but those with higher dysphoria may be more inclined to prioritize passing over free gender expression as to not risk being misgendered. You may also feel like you don't "fit in" with people of your assigned birth gender, and will gravitate more towards people of the same true gender as you.

The Symptom: A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one's assigned gender)

What It Means: This one is a bit hard to explain. Feelings and reactions aren't necessarily always different between the sexes. Any such differences are usually a result of socialization, e.g. a man being told that crying makes him weak, or a woman being told that she's too weak to do "men's work".

"A Strong Desire"

A criticism I've heard towards transmedicalism is not everyone experiences, or can identify, strong emotions. This is very much true, especially if you have autism or depression, which is common in transgender folks. Some autistic/ADHD people have alexithymia, which means they have the inability to identify and/or describe their own emotions and the emotions of others. Depression can only amplify this, making you feel numb and empty. And as someone who has both autism and depression, I can safely say that my dysphoria overpowers my low-key emotions, personally. Even though I have 5/6 symptoms, which is considered severe, I thought for the longest time that I had mild dysphoria because I wasn't really "feeling" much of anything. I don't at all blame someone for downplaying their own dysphoria because it's "not as bad" as what they read about. It's okay if you don't feel your dysphoria symptoms strongly! That doesn't necessarily mean you're not trans or are faking it.

"If you don't have both primary and secondary sex dysphoria, you just have body dysmorphia!"

This is something I heard from a radmed that I find downright hilarious. Body dysmorphia is not what radmeds think it is, AT ALL. Body dysmorphic disorder is described this way by Mayo Clinic:

Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived flaws in your appearance -- a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed, and anxious that you may avoid social situations.

Yeah. I was told I just have body dysmorphia because I said I didn't have high bottom dysphoria. Trust me, I know why y'all dislike transmeds as a whole if you've only ever interacted with those types. They fucking suck and tend to downplay anyone who just has less dysphoria than themselves. Body dysmorphic disorder and gender dysphoria are completely different, complicated conditions that cannot and should not be placed on a spectrum with eachother. "Ph, you hate your body but don't have dysphoria? You have dysmorphia!" Don't diagnose people like that. You aren't a medical professional and you look stupid.

If anyone has any questions about this, any at all, feel free to ask in the notes or in my asks. I try to be as civil as possible as being snarky is not the best way to actually educate people.

#long post #like a really long post #dysphoria debate #dysphoria discourse #transmeds #transmedicalism #transmed #truscum #lgbt discourse #dysphoria tw #somewhat #anyone can interact

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healer-777-blog · 3 years

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The virus begins in our consciousness

First a short introduction to the philosophical basis of the system of healing (Body-Mirror System) I work with.

Introduction made with the words of his creator Martin Brofman:

„These basis are found in a number of different belief systems and esoteric teachings. For example, the map of the body/mind interface comes from the Hindu system using the chakras. Putting it into practice while listening to your moment-to-moment inner direction is in keeping with Taoist philosophies. The ideas are simple and represent what we consider neutral spiritual truths:

1. Everything begins in our consciousness. We decide what to think and what to feel, in response to what is happening around us. When we choose to make a decision that results in stress, and the tension reaches a certain level of intensity, we create a symptom. Everything happening in our life, then, and everything happening in our body, is the result of what we are doing in our consciousness. If we want something to happen differently for us, we have to change our way of thinking. We take responsibility for our thoughts and actions, and their effects. Then, we're able to do something about it.

2. There is a way of being associated with every symptom. And thus, there is a Covid personality. If we want to release a symptom, we must release the way of being that created it. In this way we return to our natural way of being, that state of consciousness always available to us, in which we are healthy. The process of healing implies a process of transformation.

3. Tension in a particular part of the body reflects tension in a particular part of the consciousness about something in particular. This allows us to read the body as a map of the consciousness within, in order to understand the inner cause to the outer symptom. A key to understanding this map is found in the Eastern concept of the chakras, energy centers which each relate to a particular part of the body and a particular part of the consciousness.

4. We are each an energy system. Energy flows through our being and is directed by our consciousness. When we block the flow of this energy, the result is a symptom. All symptoms are just blocked energy. Because we have the ability to direct the energy, we have the ability to unblock the energy wherever it has been blocked, in ourselves or in others. When we do that, the effect is a return to the experience of wholeness.

5. For each of us, our perceptions create our reality. This is true of both the healer and the healee. Thus, the act of healing is one of co-creation, and is the result of the interaction between the two. Elements of this interaction can be quantified and optimized so that the healing has the best possibility for happening.

6. Anything can be healed “

There are a lot of points of view in the society. This point of view puts you in the driver seat in your consciousness. You stop to see yourself as a victim of your environment and if something is not functioning the way you want in your body or in your life, you are able to change something inside yourself and you can come back to a state of health and balance in your body and in your life.

It’s a point of view different from the “common” one, where the causes and effects are outside. From the medical point of view, they say that such a virus creates a certain kind of illness or such an accident creates a certain kind of injury. From our point of view, we say “Yes, it’s true that viruses cause illnesses or accidents create injuries, but only when the conditions are met in the consciousness. Viruses are everywhere. Why a person attracts the virus and the other close to them not, the difference is about what they each do in their consciousness.

Spiritual teachers tell us that the moment we change our deepest thoughts about our body, our body changes immediately. Most people do not believe in this body-mind relationship, or if they do, they feel unable to change their deepest thoughts at will and cannot see the manifestation of their thoughts in the physical world. Without this clear confirmation of an inner cause to an outer effect, most people consider this concept unfounded or beyond them.

But, when you do some research, you can see the power of thought at work. First time I heard about it was in a seminar with Martin Brofman, he was talking about people having multiple personalities and one personality had a symptom, diabetes, and when the personality was changing, immediately the diabetes disappeared. Another was nearsighted and with the change of personality, she could see straight away normally. Some had different eyes colors depending on the personality that was present. There are many books on the subject and a lot of studies by psychiatrists and psychologists.

It means these people are changing their atoms instantaneously. But most people have the program that the physical body only changes slowly and don’t allow themselves to see the cause-and-effect relationship between thought and physical change.

If there is a virus in the physical reality and triggering on people symptoms, it means the cause of the virus is inside, in their consciousness. Difficult for a lot of people to accept this point of view, most people prefer to see themselves as victims, instead of seeing themselves as creators of their own reality. But the creation doesn’t begin at a certain age and doesn’t end at a certain age. When we are a consciousness in our physical body, we create and when we leave our physical body, we are still a consciousness creating.

So, the virus is only a mirror of what is happening inside. We have a lot of viruses in our consciousness, look at the greed, the anger, the jealousy, the guilt, the pettiness, the manipulation, and so on, creating bugs and making our body sick when there are too many viruses or only one big virus creating a breakdown of all the system. The consciousness is like a computer, and in a computer, when we don’t clean the system and don’t protect it from the outer attacks, we will spend time and money to bring it back to a state of working or the computer becomes out of function.

So, time to look at what’ s happening in our consciousness creating these viruses and bugs. And first we should look at the way we treat ourselves. How we love ourselves, how we accept our past, how much we are able to live in the present, and look forward to the future with a positive sense of expectancy. How much we feel the love each day for the persons close to our heart and extending this love to others. Do we feel tensions, resistances?... time to handle them and release them. Otherwise, if we say to ourselves, I have some time, I will take care of that later, if I do that with my computer, maybe the next day, I have difficulties to start it or in the middle of an email, my computer crashes. And I feel even worse than the previous day, feeling angry about the computer and I talk to myself “If I knew, I would have cleaned it yesterday. Too late. Now I get more work to do. “

Life is about flow or resistance. With flow, things work. With resistance, things have a tendency to not work. Now we experience resistances. Resistances to go where we want without a test, a mask and most people experience fear. If you really want to change the scenario, you need to recognize the cause is inside, in your consciousness and the effects are outside, producing the actual chaos and more you are trapped emotionally in the outer scenario, more you add chaos into it.

You can choose to find the solution outside, through the respect of physical distance, wearing mask, not touching, not kissing, not hugging, not meeting your close family and get vaccinated. It implies a lot of control, look at what’s happening now, in some countries you need an authorization to go out, there is a curfew, and lockdown, you are not able to travel as you would like, in other countries, you need a vaccine to enter or a QR code to go to bars and restaurants, or a health pass. Such control can bring chaos. It’s what’s happening with someone experiencing mental breakdown. It can feel as though the world has come to an end. More they try to control, more it goes out of control until they should accept the situation as it is and move to acceptance, compassion, the level of the heart chakra.

Now, because a lot of different controls are imposed, things have a tendency to go out of control, demonstrations, rallies, people fed up with the rules, and on the other side, people accused those who don’t respect the rules to be egoist, to spread the virus and so on and it doesn’t happen in a soft way, there is anger, aggressivity and violence. Do we want to continue this way? Or do we recognize ourselves as creators and see this situation as part of our evolution? We have the choice, as always.

We are in this physical existence to learn and understand that our energy translated into beliefs, thoughts and emotions, causes all our experiences and learn how to relate to each other and learn about communication. There are no exceptions. Most people can continue to resist to the changes, it will happen anyway, one way or the other. If most people resist as now, continuing to put their attention outside, motivated by fear, living under control, controlling themselves and wanting to control the others, the change will happen in a strong way; if more and more people become conscious and make some steps for changing their way of thinking and raise their perceptions to the heart, the change will be softer, but there will be a change. The only constant in the universe is the change.

It’s very clear now that we go through a global transformation at the level of the planetary consciousness. Because this planetary consciousness is composed of all the individual consciousness, we can look at what happens in an individual consciousness during the process of evolution to understand the evolution of the group consciousness. And we can have an understanding about what is happening in the different parts of a country, different towns in relation with what is happening in the group consciousness of the country, of the town, the area, and so on.

We experience a strong solar plexus energy, and from this level of consciousness, we experience separation. We can see now two strong separated energies between people believing everything that is said and following every rule and people who are rejecting the direction given and not following the rules. It’s a co creation and the only solution is for both to raise their perceptions to the heart chakra, it’s an inevitable evolutionary process.

And some people being vaccinated have effects of the vaccination: tiredness, thrombosis, other symptoms and even death. Once again, the point of view we look at it is that everything begins in the consciousness. Why these specific persons attract this experience? We look at what was happening in their life at the time they got the effects of the vaccine and why a person's Spirit leads him or her to this or that experience. If a person is in harmony in their consciousness, they can be vaccinated and have no adverse reactions.

As Gurdjieff was saying « Everything is dependent on everything else, everything is connected, nothing is separate. Therefore, everything is going in the only way it can go. If people were different, everything would be different. They are what they are, so everything is as it is. “

Now, everybody has a choice, we can decide to put the responsibility outside ourselves and blame the people who lead the country. But it will bring only separation, aggressivity, violence and you will only spread seeds of war that will come back to you multiplied many times.

If we have this situation right now, it’s the manifestation of our long story. The tendency we have as individual to think and decide that in order to be right, the others must be wrong. It’s a limitation placed on you, and you must be aware of it and recognized it as something needing to be healed.

For example, by deciding the society you live is poor, and likely to remain so, you energize the symptom, rather than the healing. And people with this idea in their consciousness plan, poverty is maintaining as the natural state. Where attention goes, energy flows. It should bring your attention to the perceptions you choose, the words you use, the interactions you make and do what you need to do to stay in balance whatever is happening around you and stop to harm the others with your words, your judgement, and do to the others what you would like they do for you.

We have the possibility to create more easily the separation, as we look through the three first levels of our consciousness, the three first chakras, physical, emotional and mental levels. What the western psychology calls the conscious. And most people continue to move only between these three levels and, in fact, they don’t see the world as it is, they see the world as they are, they are lost in the mirroring aspects of their own being.

Through these three levels, we feel separated – me here in my space and the others outside – and to make the contact with the outer world, you need to do something, to act, it’s a Yang energy. We have come to a point where we see only through the eyes of profit: taking everything from the earth and violating the rights of people living in a specific location and so, we create more racism, more hate, more separation, all of this is energy we send outside and now it comes back multiplied to us. We destroy the biodiversity, not respecting the other species, killing billions of living beings.

Volcanos are waking up, fire is solar plexus energy and as Yogananda was saying „The good and bad karmic conditions created by man determine and influence the climate, affecting the wind and the ocean to the very structure of the Earth, sometimes causing earthquakes. All the hatred, anger, evil that we send into the world, and the anguish and violence they cause - all disrupt the magnetic field of the Earth as parasites in the Ether.”

Beside these upheavals with the virus, there are these other strong manifestations like floods in Germany, Netherlands, Belgium mainly, some places in East of France, fires in Canada since weeks, Japan with a mud tsunami and a lot of events showing that our group consciousness is out of balance, so much that it affects the physical reality more and more in a destroying way.

In India, they have experienced to be short with oxygen for hospitals and the numbers of cases is rising. We are all concerned with the element air now, more or less strongly, again depending on the group consciousness tensions at the level of the heart chakra. People getting the covid have difficulty to breath, and masks are almost everywhere mandatory, so we create more difficulty to breath, we have attracted a situation in which governments - from the physical point of view - decide we must keep distance, no touch, no hug – all of this in relation with the heart chakra -

And when we look at what was happening in India, it’s not a surprise when you see the tensions created there: pollution, extreme poverty, religious extremism, corruption, a lot of ego, a lot of judgment, hate, anger, so unconditional love is not what most people experience. Therefore, the group consciousness attracts a hard experience.

All this situation is reflecting a difficulty to raise our perceptions to the heart.

What do we need for a wake-up call? A stronger one to understand what we need to change?

Fear is the star in this scenario.

I was a train driver and there are rules to follow, if you don’t do that, you are a threat for the others and for yourself. For example, there are speed limits and lights and as train driver, you respect them scrupulously. If you don’t do that, you can create a serious situation and you are no more allowed to drive a train, you should pass again through psychological and medical tests, and if you succeed, you could be allowed again.

On the road, most people don’t respect the speed limit, now there are more and more radars, more control.

The same with the belt, it’s mandatory since some years and you trigger a sound if you don’t put it, more control.

The same with the mobile phone, because people are messaging or talking when driving, more control.

Now facial recognition is starting to be implemented, even more control.

When I was a child, I learn to ride a bicycle without a helmet, now since some years, a lot of people are biking with a helmet, it became a new habit and a business. And people are telling you, it’s dangerous if you fall on your head and also there is more traffic than before, so you should protect yourself. With our beliefs and programs based on fear, even if people think it’s for their security, we create in fact more control in our life.

Fear, guilt, anger are now the motivating forces of many individuals, governments and mainstream medias. Each one of them participates in the propagation of this type of energy and we arrive at a society of permanent control.

So, how to heal the symptom?

As a healer, you never focus on a symptom, because where your attention goes, energy flows and you would give more energy to the symptom. You focus on the place where the person is whole, experiencing integrity. And you bring this integrity again to the densest level of energy, the physical. And it’s better to stop to put a word on a symptom. In a world of energy, we speak about an energy being in a state of flow or a resistance to the flow of energy. For example, if a person is experiencing what they call a headache in the physical, they need to find an outer solution to get rid of the headache. Now in the reality of healing, we would ask the person to describe what they feel in terms of energy – „oh, I feel it as a pressure inside “– So, we can work with the pressure and remove it easily with an imaginary pressure valve. The person feels the release and what they call a headache is gone. There is no way to explain that in terms of the physical laws –chemistry, biology, physics – but we don’t work with these laws, we work in a different reality in which energy behaves differently. We don’t break the physicals laws, they exist in the physical reality, we just work with other laws, but the result is we were able to release a headache.

Any symptom is only a blocked energy or a resistance to the flow of energy. So, when we look at the situation now, it’s reflecting a blocked energy, and we need to look behind the physical, to get in touch with our inner being, to work on ourselves, to love ourselves, to feel this unity in ourselves and feel the energy of unity with everybody.

Ask yourself how much of your day you are able to spend without judging you, judging the others and if you feel you’re doing that, change and raise your perceptions again at the level of your heart chakra. Feel the love for yourself and release the resistances you have with the other, feel the compassion, accept the other as they are. They are also on their paths, learning as you do. Do not allow the temptation to argue against their beliefs or explain that they have been duped. When you do that, you reinforce in fact their beliefs. Feel the compassion and understand they feel scared, or angry, or confused.

Don’t judge. Otherwise, you give power to the energy of control and separation. We are going through a passage, it’s like an initiation, a purification ritual, moving from a level of consciousness in which we are experiencing control, lack of power, fear, separation to another level of consciousness in which we can feel our love united with the love of others, no longer me as an individual and the others outside, but a sense of belonging to the same space together, a sense of feeling included and taking care of one another. You are no more controlled by the energy of separation but you are in the energy of doing things for the benefit of humanity and a sense of building something together.

As John Lennon was saying years ago « you may say I am a dreamer but I am not the only one » and in fact we are each a dreamer, and even if more and more people start to wake up, still a lot more are dreaming unconsciously, their dreams is a nightmare where they are the oppressors or the victims and are unable to do something about the situation they experience.

Never let the fear decide your future.

« Ignorance breeds fear, fear breeds superstition, superstition leads to blind faith, blindness makes one’s conscience void. And that makes all sense void. That man is a mental slave. Be wise not ignorant. “Buddha

As human beings it’s our responsibility to water the seeds of mindfulness, compassion, acceptance that they can grow and blossom. If you continue to water the other seeds like anger, greed, jealousy, separation, the world will continue to go in the direction you give this kind of energy.

Stop to add thoughts to your thoughts, stop the thoughts from rising. Become a pool of silence. If you want to change the situation outside, awaken all of yourself. Stop to walk in a societal trance, walk consciously each moment. Be conscious of the dream you are dreaming, don’t get caught in « Maya », the illusion of the physical reality.

We are on a path where allopathic medicine and spiritual healing will meet and work together for the good of humanity. Body and mind are not separated and this interaction needs to be recognized and amplified in the approach of allopathic medicine. Acceptance of each other's point of view is the starting point for communication that will bring the best solutions to heal the symptoms that affects all living beings.

„Open your heart. Look inside. See the light. Accept your individuality and the individuality of others. Acceptance is love. And love heals. » Martin Brofman

©Philippe Hannetelle July 2021

Books:

Paramahansa Yogananda – Autobiography of a yogi

Pierre Besson – Man or God

Martin Brofman – Anything can be healed

From the teachings of Sri Yukteswar and Paramahansa Yogananda – The Yugas

Neville Godard – The power of consciousness

Michael Talbot – The universe is a hologram

Pr Roger D. Nelson – Connected: The Emergence of Global Consciousness

#brofmanfoundation energy mind spirit healing harmony unity chakra

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citruscisco2 · 4 years

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You. Are. A. Man!

Five Hargreevs x Trans!Male Reader

Plot: The reader is a transgender male who is struggling with body dysphoria and tries to deal with being reminded that he was once a female. Five is there to support him and remind him that the reader is indeed a man.

Author’s Note: To be honest, it felt weird writing this. I’m a female and I don’t feel like I should be writing this. I feel like someone with these actual experiences should write this. This is also why I’m turning to my friend Axel, who is transgender and having him help me write this. I would love to write more stuff like this in the future, so please send in more requests! Also, if you’re struggling with body dysphoria, please feel free to talk to me about what’s going on. I love you guys and I wanna help ya’ll! I love you guys and remember that you’re all special in your own way! Also go check out my Wattpad!

Warnings: BODY DYSPHORIA! Basically, if you’re sensitive to any content regarding transphobia I guess.

Requested: Yes by @rainbow-depresso-expresso

Key: E/C = Eye color; B/T = Body type; S/C = Skin color

⁂

My chest ached at the feeling of my binder crushing the two lumps of fat that remained hanging on my body. Then again, it’s my fault for making it so tight, but I’ve been wearing it all day. I just wanted to look completely flat; is that too much to ask for? To be born with the correct body and to have people accept you for who you are? I just want to look how I was meant to be born; I wanted to be born a man. Is that too hard? Is it too hard to be accepted for who I want to be, who I was meant to be? I’m not harming anyone, yet only a handful of people in my life support me rather than everyone. These people are the only reason why I stay sane. They’re the only reason I haven’t given up my dream of having top surgery. Though, the topic of transitioning from female to male didn’t settle well with my parents.

Here I am, standing in front of my body mirror with tears brimming my (E/C) eyes which were glaring at my (B/T) (S/C) body. I hate it. I hate my body. I hate every damn thing about it! I couldn’t even look at myself without feeling the dysphoria creeping up my back like it’s a damn spider. I can’t even look down without seeing the two lumps of fat on my chest and what lies between my legs, I can’t even tell my parents about what I’m feeling because I know what their views on transgender people, and they’re not positive.

It hurts to know that you can’t become who you want to be; who you are meant to be. It fucking hurts to hear people call you something that you’re not and to be constantly reminded that you’re different, and when people think of different, they think, “Oh, that’s weird.” Weird eventually leads to people thinking the people or things that are weird as inferior to them. It’s beneath them. Do you know how much it hurts to hear your loved ones bash the people in your community just because they’re different and think that they’re weird? They say those things then turn right to you and tell you that they love you for who you are. No, they don’t, but then again, they don’t know I’m the very thing they despise.

It’s scary to know they if they found out your secret, you’ll change right before their eyes into a hideous, mutated monster. They’ll kick you out, act like they don’t know you, humiliate you and force you to wear the clothes they want you to wear, and they’ll do whatever they can do to convince you it’s a phase and you aren’t who you think you are. I’m terrified of the day they remind me constantly of the things that make me what they want me to be.

I’m so fucking insecure about how my shirt hugs my body, and how I can’t wear underwear without wanting to bawl my eyes out because they’re not boxers. Sure, I have other insecurities that everyone else has, such as how some people don’t like the size of their nose, the color of their eyes, or even the amount of fat they have on their bodies. I can’t change myself though without anyone really noticing what I’m trying to achieve. I had to convince my parents I was just going through a phase just so I could get my hair cut short enough to where it chopped off some of the dysphoria I carried around.

You wanna know what hurts the most, though? Fearing that the love of your life is going to leave you for who you are. You fear that soon he’ll realize the mistake he’s made and walk right out the door. He’ll lose feelings and start to distance himself, whether he realizes it or not. He said he loved you, but he can’t just be with you. Maybe somewhere he still loves you, right? He loved you, did he though? If he really loved you, he would’ve stayed and worked shit out, but instead, he became disgusted with who he associated himself with.

It first starts with him not wanting to kiss you in public. You think that he just hasn’t been comfortable with PDA lately and wants to limit it, so you brush it off. You don’t even point it out to him when you’re alone and continue to tolerate it. Soon enough it escalates into not wanting to hold your hand in public. It hurts, but you don’t bother him. It’s not until he stops doing these things even when you’re alone that it starts to bother you. It hurts, but you’re too scared to bring it up and accidentally start a fight. This isn’t the first time something like this happened to you, so you didn’t push him. You’ve learned from your mistakes, haven’t you? Your world comes crashing down and the nightmares you’ve been having for the past week finally come true. He doesn’t bother saying that he’s sorry, or that he wishes you two could just stay friends. No, he just walks right out the door without even looking back at you to see if you’re okay because he knows you’re not. He knows he broke your already cracked heart into dust, and he couldn’t give two shits.

Why would he though? Why would he want a monster like you? An abomination, that’s what you are. He couldn’t stand the thought of associating himself with you. He couldn’t handle the stares the two of you received in public. At first, you both just assumed it was because you were both men, but now he realizes it’s more than that. It’s because you’re trying to change yourself into someone you’re not. He was ashamed to be seen with you; to love you. He had to leave, he needed to. It was for the sake of his reputation he had said. He couldn’t stand to be with you because of the fact of who you are; of what you are. It’s all because you’re transgender.

As these thoughts ran through my head, my eyes grew increasingly more blurry due to salty tears blocking my vision. I felt both my bottom lip and knees tremble as my breathing grew more ragged, and it suddenly felt as if all air was cut off from my lung. My eyes screwed shut and my lips tightened shut, forcing myself to conceal my sobs. My legs gave out from underneath me, causing me to collapse to the carpeted ground of my bedroom floor and lower my head. I couldn’t look in that damned mirror anymore. A heart-wrenching wail forced itself from my body, and the sobs just came pouring out. My hands found themselves buried in my short (H/C) hair, tugging so hard at the strands that I thought I was going to rip them from my own scalp. Sob after sob, I continued to cry for what seemed like forever. Both my head and heart pounded in agony. My hands trembled and my chest heaved up and down at an increasingly fast pace as I tried to gasp for a single breath between my cries.

Fear shot up my spine as my chest ached for a different reason. I couldn’t breathe. I tugged harder at my hair and clawed at the back of my neck, hoping more pain would force my body to fight for its life and help me regain my breath. It felt like a lump of some wort was lodged in my throat, causing my body to heave forward as if I were gagging. Not to mention my nose was clogged up with snot. My vision grew foggy and my face grew hot. Would this be how I die? A pathetic mess?

I felt two arms quickly wrap around my waist and pull me into their chest. I could feel the rough texture of their jacket, but their shirt under the jacket felt smooth and soft. I could faintly hear their voice, shushing me and telling me something. They sounded calm, not panicked at all. Their touch was gentle as they brought my head to their chest, gently stroking my back with one hand and using the other to pull me close. It was still loose enough to where it didn’t feel as if I was suffocating.

I saw the familiar umbrella tattoo on the person’s wrist and the logo I had seen so many times on the person’s jacket. Only one Umbrella Academy member still wore their jacket, mostly because they were stuck in a teenager’s body and those were the only clothes that fit him. Not to mention he was too stubborn to go out and by clothes for boys his age. Physically his age, that is. I never pushed Five too many times to buy the clothes I’d die to see him wear because I just wanted him comfortable and happy. Plus, who am I to hell him what he can and cannot wear?

I was able to faintly smell the cologne he wore daily, calming me down just a tad. My throat finally ceased and allowed me to gasp for a small bit of air, but it didn’t stop me from hyperventilating. Five gently rocked me back and forth as best as he could, continuing to softly shush me and rub small circles on my back. I could finally make out what he was saying.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he mumbled, humming a soft tune that always seemed to calm me down. “I’m gonna need you to do something for me, dear, can you do that?” I whimpered pathetically and managed to nod in affirmation. He nods and continues. “I want you to breathe with me, okay?” I nod once more, desperate to come down from my panic. He starts his breathing off at a moderately fast pace, almost matching with my own. I was able to match my breathing with his own as I gripped his dark blazer. His breathing gradually slowed down, and as did mine. This wasn’t the first time Five’s had to help me, so I knew what to expect. Once my breathing was stable enough, he spoke again. “Do you need anything?” he softly asked, reaching over and grabbing a soft blanket that laid upon my bed.

“You,” I managed to choke out. My eyes burned from the salty tears, and my head ached from crying. He nods and drapes the blanket around my body and tilts my head up so he can see my face. His eyes are glazed over with empathy and care. He gently strokes my cheek with his thumb and gently presses his lips against my forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere my dear,” he assures me, tightening his embrace just a tad bit. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” I shake my head no at his question. “Do you want to talk about something good that happened today?” I’m silent at his question. Taking a deep breath, fluttering my eyes shut and trying to focus on speaking properly.

“I-I was able to put to...together an outfit that-that made me feel really masculine today,” I start off, pausing as I felt my voice grow shaky as I spoke. I breathed slowly through my nose and continued. “It-It was a pair of khakis that stopped at my knees, and-and the polo Klaus had given me for my birthday.”

“The light green one with the lemons on it?” I nod in affirmation. My heart swoons at the fact he remembers something as little as that.

“Yeah, I-I was also able to finish the load of homework that the school gave us,” I added. He smiles softly and kisses the top of my head.

“See, I told you you could get it done! I’m so proud of you,” he praises softly, keeping his voice low. He continues to ask me questions about my day, focusing on the positive aspects of it.

With a clear and calm mindset, I know none of that would happen with Five. Sure, it’s happened in the past, but Five’s different - very different considering he can teleport and he’s mentally an old man. I know I can always rely on him when it comes to shit like this. He knows I can be a bit much during times like these, and he knows that I’ll end up looking pretty fucking gross. He doesn’t care though. He’s seen a lot of shit in his life, so a red face covered in tears and snot isn’t gonna bother him. He loves me, and he’s told me this an abundance amount of times.

After helping me clean up, we both lay down on my bed with my back against his chest. He wraps one arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His chin rest on the top of my head, humming the same soft melody he sang earlier. I felt my eyes droop as a wave of exhaustion came crashing over me. My eyes would fall shut and snap back open as I would realize I was slowly falling asleep, but falling asleep meant I wouldn’t be able to hear his voice anymore.

“Get some sleep, my dear, I’ll be here when you wake,” he mumbled softly. That was the last thing I heard before falling asleep peacefully in his arms with a small smile on my face and a heart full of love.

#trans!male #trans #male reader #x reader #x male reader #five hargreeves imagines #imagines #five hargreeves x reader #five hargreeves #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves #Umbrella Academy #The Umbrella Academy #body dysphoria #transgender

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aboysbestfriendishismum · 4 years

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Chapter 57 - Phone numbers and Spring breaks

In the previous chapter: Eddie and Angie get some alone time in a secluded romantic place near the beach but are caught by two cops, who trap them in a cross-fire of questions, halfway between gossip and interrogation. During this conversation, Angie unexpectedly opens up and reveals she's afraid to tell her friends about her relationship with Eddie also because she doesn't want to lose them, in case they'd break up. Angie manages to overcome her fears and insecurities and, as he drives Eddie back home, she suggests to tell their friends about them at the Ok Hotel on the next Pearl Jam show. The two also have a small fight caused by Eddie being jealous once he finds out Angie had already been in the same isolated romantic spot with Jerry too. Thanks to the cop, who had read Angie's driving licence aloud, Eddie also finds out that his girlfriend has a second name that starts with a W but Angie has no intention to tell him what it is. In the meantime Stone and Grace are coming back from their latest eccentric date. She's brought a tape with some songs she likes so they could listen to it in the car and he criticize the selection and the sequence of the tracks. Once they're at home, after a moment of passion, Stone is determined to confront Grace and her problems with sharing her bed and intimacy with another person, also because he can sense there's something more going on. Anyway he's shocked when he finds out the true reason of her insecurities: many years before, due to an aggressive form of bone cancer, the girl had her foot amputated. Stone's reaction is total confusion, he doesn't know what to do or say and, although he reassures Grace about his feelings, he leaves, saying that he just needs to process the news.

I swear I didn't do it on purpose. I mean, maybe I shouldn't swear, because even if I didn't do it intentionally, my subconscious must have given me a little push. Or it's just some kind of fucking mental automatism, just like when you're used at driving the same itinerary every day and once you get to the crossroad you turn left as usual. But you had to go somewhere else instead and you only notice once you get to the wrong destination. That never happened to me anyway. But it's something that happens to everybody, you know, people's always talking about stuff like that. Well, this time it must have happened to me because I left the Music Bank, I got behind the wheel and, I don't know how, I drove and found myself in fucking Roxy's parking place. I sit still without doing shit for who knows how long, uncertain about what to do. Why am I here? What should I do? Do I get in and say hi? Sure, the first thing you wanna see after a hard work day is your ex boyfriend's shitty face, isn't it? Well, actually, maybe she doesn't even remember I'm her ex, just look at the way she treats me, like she treated me in San Diego. Just like a friend. She's not even mad at me anymore, you know, she's even grateful maybe. After all, if I hadn't sabotaged our relationship, she wouldn't be with Eddie now. 'Cause of course she's with him. I don't know but I can guess. He must have hit on her and she said yes. She said yes to me and I'm a loser. Whoever comes after me would look like Prince Charming in comparison. By the way, my car engine is still on. I turn it off when I see Angie with Brian and another girl, coming out of the diner, followed a couple of seconds later by Roxy herself, who waves at them and closes down. Angie's holding a trash bag and is walking towards the dumpsters on the side of the diner, while the others leave walking or by car. I get out of my car and run to the opposite side of the diner, hiding, I don't know why, and peep out from time to time to check her moves. She shows back up after a few minutes, she's still got her uniform on, both hands in her leather jacket's pockets, her face half hidden under a big scarf, her usual colorful bag on her shoulder. She crosses the parking lot and walks down the street, followed by me at a safe distance. I look around to see if someone noticed me, 'cause to the external observer I could look like an attacker going after a helpless girl. But I don't have bad intentions, honestly I don't even know what my intentions are, I don't even know why I'm following her. I almost get caught a couple of times, when she stops and looks at some shop windows and then unexpectedly turns around towards me. The first time I got to sneak into a phone booth, the second time I managed to blend in with the small crowd of a street busker. I keep on following her and I'd really wanna know where the fuck she's going, since we've already passed two bus stops. We're at the third one when she stops and looks around, whereas I literally launch myself into the first alley not to be seen. But why not anyway? Can't I just go there and say hi? I sneak a peek and see her lighting up a cigarette and pacing the small portion of sidewalk in front of the bus stop back and forth. And I hide behind the wall every time she comes into my direction. I look out once again and I just can't see her anymore. I get out of my hiding place and I guess she must have left to the next bus stop, maybe it's early and she doesn't want to wait standing still in the cold. Or maybe someone came to pick her up, maybe her boyfriend... No, there she is, she's still walking all alone, literally all alone, 'cause as we drift away from the shops and clubs the streets get more and more empty. I walk along the wall, basically on my tip toes, 'cause I'm afraid she could hear the sound of my shoes. And this is the very moment I realize there's no fucking sense in what I'm doing. I curse under my breath and jog to catch up with Angie, I put a hand on her shoulder and that's when I feel one of the strongest pains I mean can experience in his life, the moment she suddenly turns around and epically knees me in the nuts.

“JESUS, ANGIE!” I cry, I don't know if it's more for the pain or to call her, since she's about to run away.

“Jerry??” she stops and looks at me perplexed as I squirm in pain, before cautiosly coming back to me “Was it you following me?”

“Yes”

“Are you stupid? Why?”

“I wanted... well, I wanted to play a prank on you” I didn't lose my improvisation talent.

“What a shitty prank, you scared me!”

“Sorry”

“Well, I'm sorry too. Did I hurt you?”

“No, I'm great” I sigh as I finally start getting my sight back.

“You had it coming... you scared me to death!”

“And I got punished”

“I thought you were a guy who wanted to attack me”

“Hehe I was attacked instead.” it looks like I have to get hurt everytime I meet Angie, physically or not. I notice her hand and point at it “What about those?”

“It's a trick Meg taught me” she answers and takes the keys she had placed between her fingers in her closed fist and puts them back into her bag.

“Do you know you can get hurt if you don't hold them tight when you throw a punch? That's a dangerous trick”

“What's that, are you volunteering for training me?” she retrieves the keys and clinks them, whiles she gives me a devilish smile and I give up to the fact that I'll always love this girl. In my way, my wrong and senseless way, but I can't help it.

“No, thanks. It's not that I don't deserve it, but I have other plans for the night”

“What plans?”

“Something like... go on listening to the demos I've just recorded and try to figure out why they just don't work”

“Demos? Of the new album?” Angie goes from joking to being extremely interested and I cannot wait to satisfy her curiosity. That's probably why I came here in the first place.

“Yeah but it's my stuff, you know, songs I wrote by myself, I haven't played them to the guys yet”

“Well maybe you just need to work on them a little, with the band as well. And then Layne can sing anything and make it perfect, so don't worry” Angie shrugs and smiles and I think I'm going crazy, 'cause I'd happily let her kick me in the balls once more just to be touched by her.

“Do you wanna listen to them?”

“I'd love that! Do you have a copy for me?”

“No, but... I've got the tape in the car... we could go and listen to it, what do you think?”

“Uh well, I don't know, it's a bit late” even though it only lasts a second, I can feel the whole hesitation in her answer. It's obvious she doesn't totally like the idea but she doesn't know how to say no without removing that mask of complete indifference towards me. Admitting that being alone with me would make her uncomfortable would be like admitting that there are still unfinished issues and feelings between us. And she'd never do that.

“It's just three tracks. You'll listen and give me an opinion, and in return I'll drive you home. What do you think? “

“Ok, let's go!” she shrugs again and follows me like nothing's wrong.

“So?” I ask her after the first song.

“Jerry it's... what exactly do you think is not working in this song? It's great”

“Do you really think that?”

“Sure!”

“You're not saying so just because you don't wanna go home by bus, are you?”

“Don't be stupid...”

“It'd earn some points with Layne's voice”

“In the chorus for sure but I like your voice in the verse” play my new songs to Angie is not just an excuse to spend some time with her, I like her cause she's sincere and her opinions are honest. She won't tell you a track is good only to please you.

“Thank you”

“Does it have a title?”

“I was thinking about Would. A wordplay, with Wood”

“Andy?”

“Yeah, of course the song's about him. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Well, I've never stopped thinking about him but he's been in my mind more and more often. Our first album did great, we've been playing around the country ever since it came out, Stone and Jeff are finally making it, many other bands start getting recognition and-”

“And he's not here”

“Right. He's not here. And I miss him. Andy was a friend. Not one you talk deep serious shit with or something like that. It was only fun, everything was fun with him, we had the time of our lives, Andy, Xana, Chris and I. He was such a great person, full of energy and life”

“His life choices tell a different story though...”

“He made the wrongest choices in his life but that doesn't mean he wasn't a good person. So he made a big mistake. I don't judge him though. I hate the people who judge”

“Sorry, I didn't mean that”

“Nuh, it's not you, I didn't mean you, you're not like that” Angie doesn't need to judge you, she just speaks her mind or looks at you in the eye and you feel like shit for the mess you made.

“Meg told me he died around this time last year, didn't he?”

“Yeah, it'll be one year in a few days. And to me it's like ten years have passed”

“Will you play another song to me?” Angie knows when it's time to change the subject. What she doesn't know is that the mood of the conversation won't get any higher with the second recording.

“Rooster was the nickname my dad's grandpa gave to him when he was a child,” I tell her before she even asks and I press STOP on the cassette player “because he had this cocky attitude hehe and his hair, it used to stick up on top of his head, just like a rooster's comb, you know”

“Did you write a song about your dad?” Angie perfectly knows the whole messy story of my family and also knows how difficult it is for me to talk about it, although it was much less difficult with her.

“I wrote a song trying to put myself in his shoes, trying to imagine what an American soldier in Vietnam could think or feel in those moments. As you know, he never wanted to tell us anything”

“You should play this song to him”

“We'll see. If an actual song comes out from it, it could happen, who knows”

“That could be a way to reach out to him and reconnect, bring you closer”

“That's not why I wrote it”

“I know”

“I wrote it for no particular reason”

“Ok”

“It just came out like that”

“It just had to come out then”

“Do you like it?”

“Yes, I do. Can I listen to the last one?”

“This was the last one” I shamelessly lie.

“You mentioned three songs..”

“Yeah, well, it's like three tracks but two complete songs. The third one is just an instrumental” telling lies to Angie is still easy for me, like in the good old days. What I don't know is if it's still as easy for her to believe me.

“I wanna hear that one too” she folds her arms and gives me a bad look.

“Alright, I'm taking you home” I play dumb and turn on the car but Angie has a different idea and stretches out her hand to press PLAY on the stereo.

Here are the first chords of a song that's too slow and too soft and will never even be a fucking B-side on a band's single and that I'd never play to the guys, not even under torture. Also because it's so personal that they'd make fun of me for ages and I believe I already gave them enough reasons to do that. Luckily, in the first part of the song I had the idea to sing the melody with some mmm mmm mmm so I can reinforce the excuse of the instrumental piece.

“See? It's just a draft. It's just an asshole strumming and humming an improvised tune” I shrug and stop the tape, then take it out and sneak it into my jacket's pocket. Why am I like that? I shouldn't have gone to see Angie in the first place. Then, when I saw her and talked to her and asked her to come listen to the demo I tried and told myself it was just a trick so I could spend some time with her. But that's not true. I clearly wanted her to listen to this song too. Well, especially this song. And now? Am I chickening out or did I just realize it was a stupid idea? What did I expect from this? What did I want to get? Let her know that, as she goes on with her life, I'm still stuck with my bullshit?

“Well, it seems a nice draft”

“Too slow, too depressing, I don't know”

“Jerry?”

“Yes?”

“Is everything ok?”

“Sure, why?”

“I don't know, just asking” why I ask. It's only natural for her to wonder if there's something wrong with me. I just show up out of the blue where she works, I convince her to listen to some songs I wrote, then it all turns into some fucking psychotherapy session under cover.

“It's alright, it's just... just the same old shit, you know”

“The same old shit will always be the same if you don't deal with it, Jerry”

“I know. In fact, I'm dealing with it. Music is perfect for that, didn't you say it too?”

“Yes, but it's not enough”

“Yeah. Oh and sorry if I came and bothered you and took your time. It wasn't planned, you know, I just found myself there. I mean, it's not like I got to Roxy's by chance, I'd say that until a certain point I had no idea I was coming to see you. Then, you know, on the last mile...”

“Ok Jerry, I got it”

“I'm sorry”

“Don't be sorry, you have no reason to be”

“It's just that, well, it's easier with you. It's easier for me to talk to you, despite everything. Weird, right?” Angie knows everything, I don't owe her any explanation and now that we're not together anymore, I don't owe her anything. At the same time though, she doesn't owe me anything either. She doesn't have to listen to me.

“Well, a little weird but not too much. People love to vent with me, maybe I look trustworthy. Or just innocuous” Angie shakes her head and I think that she's not like that at all, considering that the (too short) time our paths crossed left a big deep mark on me.

“Innocuous? With your key brass knuckles? I wouldn't say so”

The drive to Angie's house lasts more than it should, 'cause I deliberately choose the slowes most trafficked road, but she's too kind to say anything. Or she doesn't even notice.

“So, good night. And thank you for the ride” she says as she holds her hand on the already open car door.

“Thank you for being my test subject, and for the opinions”

“No problem. Anyway, whenever you wanna talk or let me listen to something else... I'm here for you, ok?”

“Really?” I ask, not because I don't believe her, but because I perfectly know that she means what she's saying, that's she's really ready to suffer through the rants of a guy who can't open up emotionally with anybody but his ex, who's with another man now.

“Sure. Only because you acted like shit, that doesn't mean I, I don't know, that I wouldn't rescue you from a fire or offer you a hand as you're on the edge of a brink to pick you up. For the serious stuff, the things that really count, I'll always give you a hand” Angie shrugs as she's telling me beautiful things and by now I should just stop and admire her kindness and selflessness, get inspired by her concept of friendship, learn something from her total lack of resentment. But all I can do is fixating first on her eyes, then on her lips, and this time I doubt she didn't notice I have every intention of kissing her. And that must be why she tells me good night and sprints out of the car in a couple of seconds, running towards the entrance of her condo.

“Good night!” I yell through the window as she distractedly waves bye at me.

What the hell have I got myself into?

***************************************************************************************************************************************

What the hell have I got myself into? What am I doing now? Making promises I'm not sure I can keep? Sure, mine were such great words, they sounded very good, but will I be able to support them with actions? Will I truly always be there for Jerry, although he's been a jerk? Aspiring to be a better person is great but I think that, in my case, it's more like a sort of masochistic complacency. Because you know what? I love being good, acting like a good person and have everyone see me like that, like a kind and understanding young woman. Everyone, even those who wouldn't deserve any regard, well, especially those. You were a bastard to me, right? And now you're expecting from me to at least cross the street when I see you coming, aren't you? But no, instead I'm here listening to you as you vent, holding your hand and encouraging you, telling you everything is gonna be alright. Take that! It's not like I'm faking it or doing it on purpose but I can't deny there's this element of satisfaction in being the one who does the right thing, or better, who does the good thing no one would do. Now I know that when I tell Meg about what happened tonight, she will shake her head and tell me I'm stupid and that I should've just told Jerry to fuck off as he deserves. But what she'll actually think is that I'm too good, too kind, or something like that. Well, I adore being too good, it makes me feel... well, good, at peace with myself and the other people, because it's one of the few existing social roles I easily fit in, that I feel comfortable in. At least for a while. Because the problem is that if you decide that you're good, then you have to be it all the way, from start to finish, without any doubts, afterthoughts or shit. And that means that if I've just told Jerry I'll always be there for him as a friend, the next time I see him I can't just kick his ass because I suddenly remembered he cheated on me and totally disrespected me, not only as a girlfriend but first of all as a person. That's how it works with Jerry: I talk to him and it's like I'm interacting with a completely different person from the one who was with me, but it's not just rhetorical, it actually is like he's another guy, no upset, no tension between us. That is until something happens, a word, some noise, a fucking joke or anything that reminds me who's standing in front of me, and then I swear I'd throw stones at his face just like that, out of the blue. But no, you can't. Because if you've got the Jesus Syndrome you gotta be Christ all along, turning the other cheek and all the rest. You can't just enjoy your fame as a messiah, you have to get crucified at some point, or more often crucify yourself.

My inner rant takes a mystic turn right when I enter my apartment, maybe it all depends on the fact that as I'm inside I take my shoes off and on the ecstatic feelings my feet had as I did after spending the whole day standing. I grab the phone without even turning on the lights, I notice something scribbled on the notepad nearby but I don't look it twice since I guess it's a note from Meg telling me Eddie called looking for me. After all we were supposed to have a phone date... well, like an hour ago. I plop down on the couch, even though I know it's not the best thing to do and that I'd better reach for my bed, and dial the number by heart in the dark.

“Hello”

“Hi Eddie, were you sleeping?”

“Obviously not my dear... Wallflower?”

“Haha no, you're cold, sorry! “

“How cold?”

“North Pole I'll say”

“Shit”

“I'm never telling you, just give up”

“I'm gonna find out all the same”

“Oh really, and how?”

“I got my persuasion techniques, don't you know?” yes, I do know, that's why I drop the subject.

“Anyway, you're getting more and more unpredictable, I was sure you'd have answered with 'Is it Friday already?' instead of hello”

“I love to surprise you, kitty. By the way, is Friday yet?” he giggles, whereas I try to get off the couch but end up losing touch and rolling down on the carpet.

“WHAT THE- OUCH!”

“Hey, are you ok? What was that?”

“Huh nothing. Excuse me Eddie, what the actual fuck have you just called me?” I ask as I straighten on my side, stroking my sore buttcheek.

“Kitty, why?”

“Why, he says!”

“Are you actually talking to someone or is it just your usual imaginary audience?”

“Don't ever do that again”

“Aw come on, it's cute”

“That's what you think”

“And you like cats anyway”

“I like a lot of things, I like horror movies too, but that doesn't mean I'd let you call me poltergeist... although, well, thinking about it...”

“That's not bad but I prefer Kitty”

“I'd prefer anything rather than Kitty”

“Beware of what you wish for”

“Ugh do you mean you could come up with something worse?”

“Try me”

“And kitty doesn't make sense anyway”

“Sure it does”

“'Cause I like cats?”

“Because you have big beautiful cat eyes, you're sweet and cute but you know how to pull out your nails when needed... also literally. My back says thanks hehe” it's past midnight, I'm still lying flat on the rug and I'm blushing.

“It's just I don't like nicknames in general” the defense diversion mechanism kicks in by itself as I try to get back up.

“You like princess though”

“That's another story, it's not a couple nickname”

“The fuck are you talking about, it's the epitome of couple nicknames!”

“Ok but in our case it was a thing between friends” I finally sit back on the couch and instinctively hug one of the pillows.

“Haha friends my ass, had it been about friendship only, that nickname would have been born and dead that same night”

“Ok but technically it was born in friendship so it can go” I focus on the technical aspect because I still find it hard to acknowledge the fact Eddie has had this... crush (?) on me for a while. I mean, I rationally understand he didn't get a sudden epiphany on that morning in San Diego at the bus station and that he must have thought about it before that. But my irrational side hasn't realized yet that Eddie is with me, let alone comprehend he's been having an interest in me for months.

“Alright alright, what's wrong with kitty?”

“It's too... too sappy”

“It's a nickname, it's gotta be sweet, that's how it is”

“It's stupid”

“What were you expecting from a stupid guy like me, kitty?”

“Umph you're really stuck on that, huh?” I roll my eyes and I already know I'm not gonna win this, not even by mistake.

“You know what? I think it's not that you don't like it, it just... you're just embarrassed for some weird reason I don't know”

“That's not true” I retort clinging to the pillow.

“Yes, it is”

“No, it's not”

“Do you know the tone of your voice slightly changes whenever I say something and hit the target right?”

“Haha what... what the hell are you talking about?”

“Nothing. If you let me call you kitty, I'll let you call me whatever you want”

“Haha you mean you really do want to introduce it as an official nickname! You've been working on this for a while, haven't you? Confess!”

“No, it just came out like that, without thinking. And I'd have probably forgotten like two seconds later, if only you hadn't had that amazing reaction”

“It's basically my fault then”

“As always, princess”

“Princess or kitty? You gotta make a decision”

“Why choose? You can be both, I mean, you are both”

“If by any chance that word comes out of your pretty mouth in front of one of our friends you're-”

“HA! So that's the big deal! Is that what terrifies you? That the guys could hear it??”

“If something like that happens, you're dead, just so you know”

“You're too preoccupied with what people think, let me tell you”

“But not dead as in me kicking your ass, ripping you apart or literally killing you. It's just that from that moment on you'll simply stop existing to me, I'll mentally celebrate your funeral, cry a little, then I won't talk to you ever again and won't even acknowledge your presence in any way”

“Have I ever told you I love it when you're so dramatic?”

“Have I ever told you my threats are always real?”

“Ok ok, I promise I'll never use that name unless we're alone. Is that better?”

“Yes” as I said, I knew I'd never win this.

“Thank you, kitty. What do you wanna call me instead?”

“I'll call you Eddie and that's it”

“Look, I'm fine with a non sappy nickname too”

“Ed?” yeah, that's the most I can do.

“Hahahahaha”

“What the fuck are you laughing for?” actually I love it when he laughs, especially when he laughs at me, but he doesn't need to know.

“Wow, isn't it too intimate? I don't know if I'm comfortable with you calling me Ed”

“Fuck you, Ed”

“Especially in front of our friends”

“It's not something you can say on command, it just comes out spontaneously, didn't you say that? When I feel the urge to call you a stupid name, you'll know”

“Ok ok. Now, on a more serious note, is it Friday yet?”

“No, it's still two days before that”

“Technically one, it's waaay past midnight”

“So if you already know, why do you ask me?”

“Just checking on your level of attention”

“See what happens when you talk stupid shit on the phone? Time goes by fast”

“That was my goal from the beginning. Anyway we could have talked more stupid shit if you hadn't took your time. I've been here waiting for you since half past eleven”

“I didn't take my time, I've just come home. I mean, like a minute before I called you”

“Roxy makes you work extra hours? I can't understand why you're always the one closing up, they're called shifts for a reason, they're supposed to shift”

“I'm not always closing up. And I'm the one who asked for these shifts because they're more comfortable for me for multiple reasons. Anyway, I almost left on time tonight, I wasted some time later, but I wouldn't call it wasted time, since I got an exclusive preview! Or pre-listening, I don't know how to call it”

“Really? What did you do?”

“I heard a couple of demos by Alice that are gonna be in the next album. Well, that's what I think, because they're very good, although Jerry's not sure about that. But that's normal, 'cause Jerry doesn't understand shit” another fucking perfectionist songwriter like Eddie, they should get along in this.

“Jerry? Did you see him? Was he at the diner?” in spite of their supposed chemistry, the adorable and playful Eddie disappears in a second and the very moment he says Jerry's name, I know he's about to get mad just like the other night.

“No, I met him after work”

“You met him? Where? Did you go somewhere after work with your colleagues and-”

“Oh no, I met him in the streets”

“In the streets?”

“Yeah”

“In the street in front of Roxy's at eleven o'clock on a Wednesday evening?”

“Yes” the conversation is slowly turning into inquisition”

“And what was he doing there?”

“I don't know, he was out, I didn't ask him”

“Ask me”

“Hehe what?” I'm not an idiot, it's not like I'm here laughing knowing that Eddie must be fuming, literally having steam coming out of his ears right now. It's more a nervous chuckle I can't hold.

“Just ask me, I'll give you the answer”

“Eddie, I don't-”

“ASK. ME.” Eddie can convince me, although I prefer his other methods, the most enjoyable ones.

“Ok, what was Jerry doing there?”

“He came right to see you, obviously”

“It didn't come to see me” of course he came specificaly to see me. What I mean is that he didn't come with the idea to hit on me and get me back, like Eddie thinks. He just came looking for me because he didn't know where to go.

“Sure, and then?”

“Then what?”

“Then what happened? What did you do? Where did you go? Where did he play THIS FUCKING DEMO?” Eddie shouting through the phone startles me on the couch.

“Ok, easy there, calm down, why are you raising your voice?”

“''CAUSE I WANT TO”

“Eddie”

“'Cause I've been here waiting to talk to my girlfriend on the phone at least, since we couldn't meet in person tonight, while she was hanging out wandering around with her ex”

“I wasn't wandering around”

“Did you go directly to his place?”

“No”

“Did he came to your apartment? Maybe you even made him coffee”

“We stayed in the car, just the time to listen to two songs, then he took me home” I ignore his sarcasm because if I didn't, I'd end up using mine back against him and we wouldn't come out alive from this.

“In the car”

“Yes, where do you think he would he play the tape to me? Nobody went to nobody's place and Jerry's not going around with a boombox on his shoulder like John Cusack” here it is, my sarcasm couldn't resist, this discussion cannot end well.

“In the car” he repeats harshly.

“Yes, in the car”

“And where did you sneak off this time? Since the old parking spot is off limits now, you know...”

“We didn't sneak off anywhere, we were there, on the street. Is the interrogation over?”

“No. Did you kiss?”

“WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? What do you think??” I'm unwillingly loud but at the same time I don't wanna react too vehemently and give him the impression he struck a nerve and something really happened with Jerry.

“I don't know or I wouldn't ask”

“You really don't know? I mean, you seriously think I could kiss Jerry? And, most of all, that after kissing him, I could just call you and talk about cats, poltergeists, names and nicknames as if nothing happened?”

“I don't know Angie, I only know you're ex boyfriend showed up with the excuse of the demo and you couldn't resist. And considering the timing, I'm sorry, but I doubt you just listened to a couple of songs and then went straight home, unless Alice in Chains turned into prog rock and now make 15-minute long songs”

“We talked”

“About what?”

“It's personal”

“Oh well great! Perfect! I've got absolutely no reason to be upset then! You met your ex and you talked about your secrets, now I'm really calm, thank you!”

“Personal stuff about him, that has got nothing to do with me”

“Oh because you're Jerry's favourite confidant now, right. Why can't he go tell his bullshit to the girls he used to fuck behind your back?” well, wow, thank you Eddie, that was so tactful of you... I remain quiet for a moment before replying.

“And how would I know? I don't know, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Why are you asking me about how he acts?”

“I'm asking you because you are my girlfriend, not his, just in case you forgot”

“I didn't forget. Maybe you did, given how you're treating me now” keeping calm is great but I didn't do anything, why should I be defensive? I don't like him at all when he's like this.

“Right, I'm the jerk here, after all you only went out with Jerry, I shouldn't get mad”

“Listen, I told you I saw Jerry, on my own initiative, without you asking shit. If I hadn't told you, you'd have never known. But I wanted to tell you and I told you, 'cause I've got nothing to hide and did nothing bad” fighting is one of the things I hate the most and I avoid at all costs. I hate fighting, it makes me anxious, even when I'm right, and that's why I often play dumb and close my eyes and ears, even when I shouldn't, even when I'd have something to say in the matter, because I simply don't wanna make a fuss and just wanna be in peace. In this case though, I can't really shut up, so I try and talk some sense into him.

“Ok, listen, I believe you didn't do anything, that nothing happened, I trust you. But I don't trust him. Can't you see he did it on purpose? It was a fucking excuse to see you” Eddie stops treating me like shit for a while but that doesn' make me feel that much better.

“That wasn't the case at all, I can assure you. But even if it was, I didn't do anything about it. He just asked me to listen to a couple of songs and give him my opinion, that's all”

“You could've said no. You could have told him you had to go home, that you had an appointment. Which you actually had, with me”

“Honestly I can't see anything wrong with listening to a couple of songs and half a vent of a friend, so I can't see why I should have said no” the appointment I had with him was a phone call, the world won't end because I called him a little later.

“Maybe because he's not a friend but he's your fucking ex?”

“Right because he's my ex, I can't see why you're jealous. It's in the past, it's over, I put multiple pins on it. If you're jealous, that's your problem” if there's one thing I can't stand is jealousy, I just can't, it's stupid, it's-

“If you can't see the problem, then you are the problem. Good night” the disconnect tone goes on for a while before I realize Eddie's just literally hung up on me. I'm weirded out, not just for that, but for the whole situation. What the fuck has just happened? How did we go from an easy phone call to World War III in a minute? Why did he get so mad? I don't know what to do, I wait for a couple of minutes, then try to call him back but his phone rings and rings and I get no answer.

“WHAT THE FUCK! Angie, what the hell are you doing there?” the lights in the living room suddenly go on and seeing me appearing on the couch out of the blue scares my room mate.

“Hi Meg, sorry”

“Sorry my ass! Ok, the Make your roommate shit in her pants championship has officially ended. You won, period. I give up” she walks up to me holding one hand on her heart and I already know now she'll sit with me, she'll sense in a second that somethig's wrong, I won't tell her shit at first, then I'll inevitably spit it all out, she'll confort me, insult Eddie, curse Jerry, then she'll tell me it's nothing that can't be solved, she'll give me advice that will not make sense to me but in the end will turn out to be just right and everything will be ok in the end. Maybe.

“Sorry, I was on the phone”

“Oh you called your friend back then” Meg completely disorientates me, as if I wasn't already confused enough.

“My friend?”

“Yes, Jane, your ex school mate. I left you a note...” Meg skips away then comes back holding the notepad I noticed before, beside the phone base. It only takes me that name, first mentioned by her, then written on the yellow sheet of paper, to immediately regain control of myself.

“Yeah yeah, I've just called her, thank you!” I get up from the couch and delicately but firmly take the notepad from Meg's hands, before tearing off the written page.

“Is everything alright? It seemed something urgent”

“Hahaha it's always urgent for Jane! Nuh, she just wanted to give me the big news, that she finally found a job. And give me her new number now that she has a place of her own” I take my bag, fish out my planner and stick my note in it, not to lose it. At least, that's the impression I wanna give Meg. I already have this number and I'd secretely love to lose it.

“718... uhm... what code is that, Texas?”

“New York”

“Wait, do you have a friend in the Big Apple? That's so cool! And what is she doing there?”

“She's a model. But her dream is to be an actress” it's be more correct to say that her dream is to be famous, actually to be adored. Possibly by everyone. But I don't feel like adding this detail, I don't even know why I'm talking with Meg about her.

“Will you direct her then one day? An actress and a direction: the perfect squad!” the enthusiasm expressed by my friend goes doesn't reflect my mood but I can't show that.

“Apart from the fact that I'd rather write than direct... don't worry, I still have a lot of burgers to serve before I get there” I zip up my bag and put it back on my shoulder.

“Why have you never told me about this Jane? It's the first time I hear about her, I thought you only had three friends” she doesn't give up and follows me across the hallway.

“That's right, I confirm the magnificent three. Jane is not really a friend, she's more... she's a more superficial acquaintance”

“It's nice of her to keep in touch though” yeah, sure, very nice indeed.

“Yeah, she's a good girl” I think she'd throw up if she heard me say this about her.

“What are you doing? Are you going out?” Meg stops me as I'm about to open the door instead of rushing into my room as she was expecting.

“Yeah, I'm out of cigarettes, I'm going to buy some, it'll take me a minute”

“And can't you just not smoke?”

“No, definitely not, Meg, trust me”

I leave, telling her to go to sleep since I've got my keys and she doesn't have to wait for me. I go downstairs in a flash and when I'm outside the condo I take a look at the windows on the fourth floor. They lights are all off again. That's better, I won't need to go around the block. I get into the nearest phone booth, put the money coin by coin into the pay phone as if they weighed a ton each and dial the number that's now inside my planner. But I don't need to take it out, I've been knowing it by heart for years now.

“Hello”

“What do you need?”

**************************************************************************************************************************

“Fuck, it's still too early” I tell myself as I look at my watch, which says it's a quarter to eight. And I should just throw away this fucking watch. Or sell it. I told Angie too, asking her if it was bothering her, but she looked at me as if I was crazy and asked me why. She doesn't care if every single day I wear the watch a girl who liked me bought for me, a girl I even kissed. Angie doesn't know what jealousy is, that angst that starts from the middle of your stomach and goes to your head, that makes you see everything black, that takes your breath away, like a sea monster emerging from the ocean that catches you off guard as you're swimming, wrapping its tentacles around you and immobilizing you, that convinces you that everything's lost. Angie doesn't even think about that, she didn't think about it last night, when she met Jerry, and not even when she told me, innocently, like it was normal. 'Cause to her it is normal. 'Cause it's most likely normal to everybody but me, the unstable jerk, who's been standing outside his girlfriend's house since six o'clock in the morning, waiting for her to come out so he can apologize and save the day. I had no intentions to wake her up early and I knew she wouldn't leave that early, but I couldn't stay at home any longer after a sleepless night, when I quite quickly went from anger to realizing the big mistake I had just made. I get out of my truck once again. I must have got out and in like five or six times in a couple of hours and the cigarettes butts of a whole pack are covering this shitty sidewalk. It's not raining but the air is cold. But I'm sweating. I stretch my hand through the half open truck window to retrieve the baseball cap I left on the passenger seat and I wear it. As I'm busy sticking all my hair under the hat, I hear the door open and see her walking out, while fixing her big scarf around her neck to protect herself from the wind. She doesn't look my way but comes towards me and I don't even need to put any effort into looking sad because as soon as I see her, my heart skips and I'm sure my natural expression is already the right one. I'm almost about to call her when, instead of walking right up to me, she turns to her right and goes who knows where. Didn't she see me? Did she see me and ignored me on purpose? I don't care. I throw the umpteenth cigarette away and follow her.

“Angie” she comes to a dead stop as she hears me calling her name and it clearly means that no, she didn't see me. She turns around and literally looked at me up and down, from head to toe, before stopping at my eyes and answering with a nod.

“Hi Eddie” she turns around and starts walkig again but slowly.

“I know you're mad at me, you've got every reason to be” I catch up and walk beside her, who's burying her face into her scarf, as if she wanted to hide herself from me.

“I'm not mad. You were the mad one, I think”

“I got upset for no reason, Angie, I'm sorry. I want to apologize”

“You were a fury”

“I know, I know, I was a jerk”

“You hung up on me and didn't even answer when I called you back”

“Better that way, trust me! I was out of my mind, who knows what else I could have said” well, maybe I shouldn't have said this.

“Ok, better this way then” Angie shrugs and subtly quickens her pace.

“Angie, can we just stop for a second? I need to talk to you, properly, not just walking like this”

“I got shit to do, I need to go to the bank and run some other errands before going to class”

“It'll only take a couple of minutes, Angie, please. Let me talk to you, I haven't slept all night” I delicately and cautiously circle her shoulders with my arm and gesture in the direction of the closest bench.

“Oh and what's new about that?” she asks with a weak smile. I guess she didn't get much sleep either.

“The news are that it's my fault this time.” I nod towards the bench “Please”

“Ok, just two minutes though” she rolls her eyes and gives up, sitting with me.

“So... well, as you might have guessed, I have a little problem with jealousy” I start confessing.

“No! Really?” she gives me that sarcastic smile of her and I feel a little better because maybe there's still I chance I didn't fuck up completely.

“I'm jealous. And it's my problem, as you said last night, you were right, you are right. As you didn't do anything, you never do anything, it's about me, it's not about the things you do or the way you act or shit like that. You could as well never leave your apartment and I'd be jealous of the pizza delivery guy because, the fuck I know, because he smiles a little too widely to you when you leave him the change as a tip”

“Well, yeah, considering the ridiculous paycheck they get, someone could actually fall in love for a tip, I can believe that” Angie keeps on making fun of me and I admit this makes me feel more and more comfortable.

“The fact is that nine times out of ten this thought flashes upon my mind, upsets me for a couple of seconds, then goes away and I forget about it. I mean, most of the times I can keep it at bay, I just ignores the voices in my head and go on with my life as nothing happened.

“We're not talking about actual voices, right?”

“Hehe no, just inner voices of conscience”

“Huh ok. And what happens that single one time out of ten instead?”

“What happens is that I lose my mind and say things I don't actually believe”

“Are you sure you don't believe them?”

“Angie, no, I don't believe them. I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I promise” I try and take her hands, kinda timidly, and she lets me do that.

“How can you promise that? If you lose control, like you said, how can you prevent that?”

“I can because I want to, because you're more important than anything”

“Eddie, listen to me,” she sighs and turns a little more towards me, still keeping her hands into mine “I can understand your jealousy. I mean, I can't accept it, I don't excuse it, but I can understand how it works, I guess what the mechanism is and what the triggers are. I know you must feel very insecure about yourself, although I have no idea how, since you're such a wonderful guy and I'd never leave you”

“Maybe there's someone more wonderful than me out there...”

“Who? Jerry Cantrell?” Angie doesn't waste any time and goes straight to the point.

“There must be something good about him if you got with him. And if you're still friend to him after... well, after he hurt you”

“Sure there's something good about him, but no potential boyfriend material for sure. Not anymore. And I don't know what else I should do to convince you”

“So why are you still talking to him? I don't mean you can't talk to him, I'm not that kind of guy, imposing things or telling you who you can hang out with or where you can go or shit like that. It's just that, I really can't understand how you can do it, I mean, if Beth came out of nowhere, looking for me and telling me she needs to talk to someone, my answer would be just showing her the middle finger”

“I'm not you” her reply is as quick as simple.

“Hehe I know. And thank god, I must add”

“That's the only explanation I got, that's how it is for me. Before he got with me, he was a friend, and what happened between us as a couple didn't change things. To be honest with you, I thought things would change, a lot, but as time went by I realized that to me Jerry went back being what he used to be before, no more no less: a friend”

“That's unbelievable, it's like you're separating the two things”

“It's not like that, it's exactly that. I separate the two things, the two relationships, the two Jerrys. There's my ex Jerry and my friend Jerry, the former has gone, the latter ha stayed” Angie shrugs as if she was explaining the most obvious thing in the world, but I don't even try to understand and I don't know if I should believe it or not. But I gotta make an effort if I want to make this work and not fuck it up now that it's just started.

“That's... a concept that's really far from my way of seeing things but... I can understand it”

“Same here with your jealousy. That's something really, really far from me but I can understand it. What I can't accept is the way you treated me because you were jealous.

“I know, Angie, I'm sorry”

“You said very bad things to me. And your voice... the tone of your voice was so mean, like you were trying to hurt me as much as you could”

“I told you, I just flipped out on you for no reason”

“I think your problem is not with jealousy but with rage. As soon as you feel in danger, you attack, blindly. It's not the first time I see this in you but not at this level” ok, guilty as charged. Angie has known me for less than six months and she's been with me for a few weeks and she already has me pretty well figured.

“I know, it's a mess. I am a mess.” I lean down and rest my head on her lap, without letting go of her hands “I hoped you'd never see this side of my character” I was just fooling myself, of course it came out almost immediately as we got closer.

“I'm a mess as well, we all are. But when you're deliberately mean to someone, to hurt them, well, that's where I draw a line, that's my limit. What am I supposed to do with sappy nicknames, if you then take your frustrations out on me?” I knew that, she's breaking up with me. She put up with me long enough though.

“It's over, isn't it?”

“WHAT? What are you talking about?” Angie lets go of my hands and grabs at my head, gently forcing me to turn around and look at her.

“Aren't you breaking up with me?”

“Hehehe who's the dramatic one now?” she pushes my head back down, takes off my hat and puts it on her head, before playfully messing up my hair.

“But you said that's your limit...”

“Do you think I'd break up with you after one fucking fight?”

“No?” am I safe?

“Next time you get upset for some reason, before insulting me, just take a nice deep breath and talk to me, openly, tell me what's wrong, what you're afraid of and how I can help you. Or you can as well insult me but only if I deserve it or if you believe there's a valid reason. I mean, it's ok to discuss, fuck, it's ok to fight too, although I hate fighting and I'd do anything to avoid it. But I admit that it can happen and it's not necessarily bad if there's a reason. Well, I wanna be free to fight with you without risking an emotional breakdown every time, ok? Because, as I already told you, I'm a mess too, just like you, I've got my problems as well, don't you know? Can't you see how hard it is for me to express a single fucking feeling? To a certain extent, I kind of envy you, you know?” what she says leaves me speechless at first because it's so... mature. I'm here whining like an annoying brat, whereas she's rationally examined the situation and is just telling it like it is.

“You envy me? Do you think that being a slave to your emotions is better? Every time is like flipping a fucking quarter in the air, I throw it and I have no idea what will come out: how am I doing today? Good? Bad? Happy? Mad? Jeff and Stone could place bets on me” I sit back up like a normal person and notice one of my shoes is half-untied.

“Well, my quarters are never flipped, I just push them down into the piggy bank, one by one, and I keep them there. At least until Christmas comes and you need to break the piggy bank and then BAM! They come out all together” I'm about to tie my shoe when Angie gets there before and ties it for me as she speaks, then takes my hands in hers once again.

“Can I borrow your piggy bank?” I ask her before I get that kiss I was afraid I wouldn't get anymore.

“Ok, but only if you let me flip your quarters from time to time” she smiles at me and now I'm sure: I'm safe.

“I'm sorry, Angie, for real”

“I don't need you to say you're sorry, I need you to not be an asshole anymore”

“Ok”

“And if something's wrong, you just tell me and we can talk about it, like adults”

“Ok”

“Because I'm not your punching bag”

“No, you're my...” I wait for her to figure out what I want to say and to react to the provocation. Finally she turns around abruptly and gives me that nasty look of hers I love.

“Don't you dare”

“Why? You said I could”

“Not in public”

“But nobody's around” I look around and the few passers-by don't give a fuck about us.

“Do you think that since I didn't break up with you for the scene you made last night, then I won't cut you off for calling me kitty? You could be surprised”

“HA! You said it. By saying it, you automatically accepted it as official nickname”

“Says who? You?”

“Yes, kitty” I whisper into her ear because I'm ok with risking but I don't wanna push it too far.

“What the hell have I got myself into?” Angie rolls her eyes for the nth time and I'm afraid forher it'll soon become a habit with me.

“You got no idea, trust me”

“I don't wanna fight with you anymore”

“I can't wait to fight again though”

“Haha what?”

“Only you can turn a fight into an open hearted confrontation about emotions, feelings and how to handle them. I like talking with you about these things, I like talking to you, I like you”

“I like you too,” Angie gives me a peck on my nose then stands up “but I really have to go now”

“Huh so wasn't it just an excuse to avoid me? You really got things to do?” I joke as I stand up too and I pretend to ignore the fact she's just told me she likes me, without blushing or being ashamed, without me asking her or trying to extract a confession with torture.

“Yes and I gotta hurry up”

“When does school end?” I puff as I get my cap back and put it on my head.

“Tomorrow's the last day”

“Finally! How long is your spring break, one week?”

“Ten days”

“That's even better... listen, I was thinking... well, actually I didn't think about it before, I'm thinking about it just now as I'm speaking. What if we just leave for a few days, you and I?” I take her hands again, actually I take her by her wrists and softly stroke the inside with my thumbs. I know she likes that.

“Leave to go where?”

“Wherever you wanna go. Just to take a break and spend some time alone, would you like that?”

“I don't know, aren't you busy with the movie and the album recording?”

“Yes but we could leave this weekend, what do you think? It just makes me mad that I'll be busy right when you're on holiday and we could see each other more.

“I don't know, Eddie. Actually I had already signed up both with Roxy and Hannigan to work some extra hours, in the weekend and also during the week, you know, to save some more” she looks down too often, there must be something wrong.

“Oh ok... but is everything alright?” I shake her a little, prompting her to look at me and be honest.

“Sure, why?”

“I don't know. Do you need money?”

“Hahaha who doesn't?” Angie backs up from me and gestures for me to walk with her.

“Hehe no, I mean, maybe you have some problem and you need money for that”

“My problem is the same old problem: paying the bills, rent, college and books. Or books' photocopies, those cost too” we walk side by side as Angie counts her expenses on her fingertips.

“Well, ok, but your parents are helping you, right? Ray doesn't look like the type of dad who freaks out if you don't pay your part at the beginning of the semester but a little later”

“That doesn't count, it's a matter of principle. When I make a commitment, I follow through with it”

“Sure and that's great. But you know, there's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it” I go on and I don't immediately notice Angie has stopped.

“Ok, now this is the kind of advice I should get as a tattoo, if I ever got one. So maybe I'll finally follow it” I turn around and see her standing on the first step of the stairs outside the bank.

“Everybody comes to you when they need help, what about you?” I walk back and hug her.

“I call you if I have a spider at home”

“You can call me for anything else too, you know that, right?”

“Thanks.” she kisses me again and this time she can't help looking around to check if someone we know is nearby “Anyway, everything's ok, it's just about every day needs, don't get weird ideas or something, really”

“Ok”

“I really gotta go now. Can I call you on lunch break?”

“You don't need to ask me”

“I'll correct my question: will I find you at home if I call at lunch break?”

“Yes”

“I'll call you later then, have a good day” she gives me another (too) quick kiss and leaves as quickly.

“Later... Whirpool??”

“You're so cold, you're freezing!”

'If something's wrong, you just tell me and we can talk about it' that's what you told me. I hope you know the same goes for you as well.

#pearl jam fanfiction #grunge fanfiction #eddie vedder fanfiction #eddie vedder #jerry cantrell #pearl jam #alice in chains #chapters

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loveafterthefact · 4 years

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Love After the Fact Chapter 70: Making Long-Distance Calls

Tfw you haven’t heard from your kid in a while and part of you is really worried and the other part of you wants to kill him yourself to save your enemies the trouble… and then that mf just says he ‘forgot’.

First Previous Next

“Okay, so do you two see each other?” Lance asks.

“I see a Balmeran.” Thace cocks his head curiously. “Quite different from the race that I am familiar with- Ulaz! Get out! Patient confidentiality!” There’s a snicker in the background, followed by a door opening and closing.

“Excellent!” Lance chirps, typing in another code, waiting for it to pick up. “Tavo, are you there?”

“I am here. Hello, your Majesties. Crown Prince Lancel, I've heard the kings are quite bitter that they have not heard from you.”

“Oh, fuck.” The prince pales, then brushes it off. “I need to call them anyway. They can scold me for spending too much time in the sun or not wearing socks.”

Keith glances at his mate, noting his darker complexion, the little brown spots creeping from underneath his skin. An Altean, blessed by Daibazaal’s sun. It’s perfect. He’s perfect.

Keith really needs to reboot his brain.

“So what are we here for, then?” Tavo asks, pulling his chair closer to his desk.

“We’re planning on having a kit,” Keith says, cutting right to the chase. He’s already done too many of these calls this quintant.

“I see. How soon do you expect to conceive?” Tavo accesses his desktop, fingers sliding over the glass table.

“I go into season in a few quintants- Shut up, Thace.” The medic scowls, shaking his head in silent disapproval. “I will hopefully conceive sometime in the following movement.”

“Understood. What are your concerns?” The Altean medic casts his dark eyes around the group.

“Nutrition, complications at any point during pregnancy, and predicting needs of the kit once born,” Thace clarifies. “Your majesties, we can carry this conversation without you.”

“You can,” Lance agrees. “But you won’t.” Keith smiles, delighted by his mate’s enthusiasm. “All we want, for today, is to make considerations regarding how we help Keith -and the baby- stay healthy. Starting with nutrition.”

“Right. Excellent.” Thace pulls up several holographic panels. “In your particular case, your Majesty, nutrition is definitely where we need to begin. Your metabolism is extremely fast for a Galra.”

“Is it?” Hunk asks. “Alteans have high metabolisms, but I’ve just been making as much as Keith will eat.”

“Your average Galra consumes roughly one sixth the amount of calories that Kei- Prince Yorak requires to maintain his current condition. That amount in turn does not account for growth spurts, season, pregnancy, or any increase in muscle mass. Basically, anything more than the normal amount of physical output creates strain upon his body that our species is not naturally equipped to deal with.

We’re meant to go for a long time on nothing. Prince Yorak goes for a short time, and only on a great deal.”

“Basically, how do you keep me and a fetus alive and healthy without stuffing me like one of those weird birds you people always eat,” Keith clarifies. “I’ll be stuffed enough.”

“Damn right you will,” Lance snickers. Keith promptly whacks him with the back of his hand with a scolding, while Thace chokes on a laugh and Tavo shakes his head in disappointment.

“Well, my wife is going into labor any dobosh now, so let’s get to work on some meal ideas and then I’m gonna duck out.” Hunk grins. “Your Majesties must come visit once he’s born.”

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Keith promises. “Let’s get to work!”

“Okay! So for the sake of this discussion… Let’s divide nutrient sources into three categories: proteins, fats, and carbs. Carbs should further be divided into starches and cellulose. During pregnancy, you may require more fruits and vegetables as Alteans are primarily vegetarian, so we’ll need to ensure a balanced diet both for you and a your hybrid fetus-”

It takes two vargas to come up with some kind of meal plan, which will probably change a million times anyway, but at least it gives them something to work with -and gives the princes headaches, but whatever-. It’s worth it, and Lance knows it will relieve some of Keith’s anxiety.

“Well, if we’re done, I’d better head out. Rosie is being an absolute monster today, so-”

“Just one thing.” All eyes fall to Keith. “We’re keeping this quiet. There are too many risks to say anything until we’re sure there’s a chance of having a viable fetus. Basically, all of this is a secret until I say otherwise.”

“Understood.” Hunk bows his heads. “We look forward to seeing you home, your Majesties. Farewell.”

“Farewell,” the princes chorus.

“On to complications, then.” Thace decides. “Complications include embryotic miscarriage, fetal miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, underdevelopment, excessive bleeding, parasitic placental syndrome-”

“I’m sorry. What did you just say?” Lance leans forward, visibly horrified. Tavo lifts an eyebrow. Apparently, the Altean royal physician hasn’t heard of this either.

“Parasitic placental syndrome. It’s a condition in Galra where the placenta takes an excessive amount of nutrients from the bearer, resulting in malnourishment, miscarriage, premature stillbirth, and extreme malnourishment. Basically, the placenta starves the bearer until they eventually cannot support the fetus.

“In Prince Yorak’s case-”

“It could be fatal,” Keith finishes. “Which brings us to a touchy subject: If it comes down to it, do you save me, or the kit? The answer is me.”

“You’re sure?” Tavo asks.

“Yes. It’s selfish to die for one life, when I have the potential to carry many more.” Keith looks to Lance for his opinion, if the Altean wants to give one. Lance just kisses his cheek.

“Up to you, beloved. But I’d like to have you as a part of my family if at all possible.”

Keith smiles at his mate, brushes a bit of starlight hair away from his face. “Me too.”

“You guys are so cute,” Thace sighs. “Also, total dorks.”

Tavo frowns. “Your Majesties, is this man some kind of prince, to speak so informally to you?”

“No, that’s just Thace. He has no respect for authority unless Daibazaal is in crisis mode.” Keith rolls his eyes, even as his lips curl with the edge of a small smile.

“Bitch, I have five kits. I am the authority.”

“FIVE?” Tavo chokes. “Five children???”

“Oh, yeah.” Thace smirks, clearly enjoying messing with the Altean medic. “Granted three of them are triplets, but… I think that just makes it more impressive.”

Tavo turns to the princes. “Your Majesties, surely this… degenerate is not the only reproductive authority on Daibazaal.”

“No, but he is the best. And my species is suspected to have at least four kits within the span of a decaphoeb, and encourage to have between six and eight. Some have even more.” Keith smiles. “Thace is the best in his field, and he has an intimate understanding of my growth disorder. There is no one I’d trust more with my life during such a critical time. And…

“I’ve not spent much time with you, Tavo, but I know your reputation well, and trust me when I say that you both have a great deal to learn from each other. I can see you two doing amazing things together.” The smile turns to an imperious stare. “Regardless, I expect you both to work together and be nice to each other. If I hear otherwise, I’ll kick your asses.”

The two medical professionals grumble their assent, Thace insulted and Tavo wary but abashed.

“Right,” Keith sighs. “Now, back to our discussion… There’s not really a whole lot to be done about any of those things.”

“Yes, but you should understand the symptoms,” Thace explains. “Bleeding, cramping, contractions, gastrointestinal distress, pain in the lower abdomen, fatigue, rapidly increasing fatigue, etc., etc. I’ll send along some resources on general self care and rearing that you both should read as.”

“Naturally.” Lance grins, puts his arm around Keith's shoulders. “We’re learning together. Right, beloved?”

“Absolutely.” Keith smiles. “Thanks for your time, guys. Thace, we’ll see you quite soon. Tavo, I imagine we’ll see you in a few movements.”

“Indeed you will, your Majesties. You’ll need to receive a health check upon your return from Daibazaal anyway before you are exposed to anyone on Altea. Our planet has far more stringent protocols for entry than Daibazaal does.”

“Understood. We’ll see you then.” Lance waves as the Altean signs off. It’s just them and Thace.

“I’ll come by your den when you return. I want to give you a once-over before your season. Which is extremely close, by the way. I recommend you return here by tomorrow night.” Thace looks Keith up and down. “You seem relatively relaxed, so I doubt it’ll be tonight.”

Keith nods, agreeing with his medic. He feels relaxed, now that his problem with Lance has been resolved. But before long, he’ll get restless, and generally uncomfortable, and he knows it. But he also knows he has Lance, and Lance will help him keep comfortable and safe. Everything will be fine.

As they say their goodbyes to Thace, however, he braces himself for an entirely different kind of conversation.

“So.” Coran sips his tea. The aging Altean’s sitting sideways on the loveseat in their quarters, legs thrown over his husband’s lap. It’s been a habit of theirs almost as long as they’ve been together. “What excuse will they give?”

“Hm…” Alfor pretends to think, massaging Coran’s knee, moving in circles to help ease the pain. Old injuries are the worst, especially when you get old yourself. “Probably ‘We were busy’ or ‘We just forgot’.” The king sighs. “I didn’t expect them to call, to be honest.Our boy’s grown up.”

“He’s been grown up for a while now, dearest.”

“A person’s not grown until they act grown. But I suspect Lancel has been grown for a while now, and just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Probably.”

A long pause of silence-

“I’m going to call them.” Alfor gently removes his husband’s legs from his lap, reaches for his datapad.

“Darling, don’t you think-”

“I should let them be? No, I do not. They are on Daibazaal, a planet crawling with enemies-”

“Dear…”

“... Crawling with people who are not fond of my family, including and perhaps especially our son and heir?” Alfor types in Lance’s comms code.

“Better.” The red-haired man smiles at his husband, appreciative of his efforts.

“Father! Believe it or not, we were just about to call you!”

“Hello, son!” Coran smiles at the happy face before him. He’s missed his child. Alfor has too, though he hasn’t said it. “Good to see you’re both still alive!”

Alfor, for once, chooses the softer approach. “You look well. Both of you.”

They do indeed. Keith seems a little taller now, his frame a bit more robust. Lance’s skin has darkened, freckles creeping over his nose.

“We’re doing quite well here,” Keith agrees. “I’ve touched base with several contacts from within the Compound and surrounding villages. Lance has established himself as a respectable mate and warrior, thanks to his excellent conduct and impressive displays of mettel.”

Coran raises an eyebrow. “So… You’re as well-behaved as we would expect you to be, and you’ve also managed to get into some trouble. Sound about right?”

“Pretty much,” Lance admits, slightly sheepish. “I am every bit the model guest, and I also squared off against a kronil and saved a dying wolf cub with alchemy. Y’know, normal stuff.”

“A kronil. Really?” Alfor leans back. “Well now, that is impressive.” Especially given his boy’s struggles with combat and alchemy. Alfor smiles, proud of his son, delighted with the giddy pride on his son’s face.

“Now.” Alfor settles back next to Coran, throwing an arm over the back of the loveseat. “I was calling to guilt you for dropping off the edge of the star system. Why were you calling?”

The couple exchanges a glance. “We’re not… entirely sure. We’ve found something, and it could be nothing at all, or something very serious,” Lance explains.

Alfor frowns. It must be serious if Lance wants to tell him about it. There’s really only one thing he knows more about that his son: violence. “I see… What have you found?”

Keith explains the various falsified ship inspection records, where the shipments came from, and what it might mean. Alfor listens, nods. It’s a serious matter, and the boys are taking it very seriously. Both of them.

“So let me see if I understand this correctly,” he says when they’ve finished. “These ships with extra cargo bypassed inspection somehow, and come from planets that help supply the Galra with food, medicine, and raw materials?”

“Yes.” Keith leans forward, brushing a lock of loose hair over his shoulder. “These shipments could be one of two things: smugglers, looking to make a profit by supplying the Galra on Daibazaal with resources not typically available to them in large quantities, or they’re supplying a militia that may be looking to overthrow the Imperial family and name a champion, and/ or invade Altea.

“Neither of our peoples want this,” Keith stresses, staring earnestly at the king. “My people want peace. They have already chosen Lotor as their Champion upon his father’s death or retirement.”

“What exactly does it mean for him to be the Champion?” Alfor asks, unfamiliar with the term.

“Well, you know how there’s the Kral Zera?” Keith asks. Alfor nods. “Even though anyone can participate, the people can petition to choose a Champion, at which point most challengers would back down and allow the Champion to light the flame unhindered.”

“So Lotor is… the Successor Elect?” Alfor clarifies.

“Yes. He argues for strengthening and uniting the empire, instead of continuing to expand. This means more resources available to the commonwealth both here and abroad, as well as better foreign relations with conquered planets and external societies.”

“I see… Some would take issue with this?”

Keith nods. “Some are bitter that my uncle agreed to this alliance. They feel as though they have been cheated. Your people are comparatively few, but formidable. They are one of the reasons that same sex coupling is currently illegal. They don’t produce kits, and so would be considered traitors. Others are simply angered that the atrocities they were ordered to commit came to nothing, that their sacrifices and losses did not lead to victory.”

“So you believe these shipments are supplies being moved by rebels staging a coup?”

“We believe…” Keith rolls his lips between his teeth, tugs on the ends of some of his hair. “We should be prepared for every eventuality. Please understand,” he whispers. “I want so badly for this to never be our problem, but I love my people, just as surely as you love yours. I would do anything for them.”

Alfor sighs through his nose, nods. “I will begin working on plans should Daibazaal face a threat from within. In that case, we would need to split our assets between defence and military assistance, followed by relief efforts. When you return, we can look at them together.”

“Speaking of which, when do you intend to return? Some time this decaphoeb, perhaps?” Coran asks, still a little miffed that his son hasn’t kept in touch.

“Three movements. Keith’s about to go into season, and Thace wants us to stay two movements to keep an eye on him. Just in case of any complications.”

Lance lies so smoothly, Alfor almost doesn’t see the excited glint in his son’s eyes. He chooses not to mention it. He’ll let their life together be as private as they like. Nothing else ever is for a royal couple. Instead, he smiles.

“You’re both doing wonderfully. Keep up the good work, and we’ll see you in a few movements.”

Lance bows his head. “Thank you, Father. Dad.”

Coran waves away his thanks. “Just come home, lads. That’s all we ask. We love you.”

“We will,” Lance affirms. His father signs off without another word, only a fond smile -a small miracle in and of itself-, and Lance throws himself back against the tree with a loud huff.

“I agree,” Keith murmurs, settling against him with a yawn.

Lance puts an arm around him immediately. “Is this normal sleepiness, or season-related sleepiness?”

“Not sure, but we’re just gonna go with it, okay?”

Lance smiles, brushing a thumb across Keith’s cheekbone. The Galra sighs, settling in to sleep. “Sometimes I think the only reason you’re keeping me is to have something to lay on.”

“Hmph. Bed’s never poked me with it’s dick-” Lance gasps, playfully scandalized. “-so that’s definitely not it. I keep you because you're cute.”

“I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life,” Lance teases.

“Shut up and cuddle with me,” Keith grumbles, wrapping his tail around Lance’s waist as he curls up against his chest. Lance chuckles, wraps him up in his arms. “Alfor still sucks. Just so we’re clear.”

“I know. Thanks for behaving.”

“Of course I behaved. He’s your father and you love him.”

“Yeah… I think he loves me, too.” The fact that Lance barely seems to believe it breaks Keith’s heart a little.

“Of course he does. And so do I.”

“I love you too.” Lance kisses his forehead. “Get some sleep.”

“No need to tell me twice.” Keith yawns, settling in to sleep through the warmth of the afternoon.

#LoveAftertheFact #LAtF #klance #galtean au #altean lance #galra keith #adashi #altean adam #galra shiro #voltron legendary defender #vld

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