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achubbydumpling · 2 years

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Could you write something about bucky getting chubby and getting insecure about that. So Steve gains a bit too and they realize they both like it? <3

thank you for this ask, nonnie, idk if this is what you had in mind, but I was inspired, though I did end up asking myself: is this... whump? but if you get through all the hurt there's some saccharine, sappy comfort at the end, I promise! 🤗

Rating: Mature Words: 1763 Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers Additional Tags: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Negative Self-Talk (Self-Worth Connected To Weight), Hurt/Comfort, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Hurt Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Chubby Bucky Barnes, Chubby Steve Rogers

Bucky was painfully aware of how tightly his shirt was stretching over his body. He couldn’t do much to hide it but he still sat slumped over with his arms crossed in front of his body.

He’s been gaining weight. The doctors had assured him it was an expected side effect of his recovery but Bucky felt like a foreigner in his body once more. Everyone could see the change and he feared that they’d use it as proof he wasn’t coping as well as he said. What if they decided to put him back in cryo without asking him this time? What if he wasted too much of their time and resources and they kicked him out? What if—

“Buck?”

He looked up (when had he looked down?) and found Steve looking at him, once again with that concerned crease deep between his eyebrows. Bucky cleared his throat and tried to put on a smile.

“Yeah?”

“Is everything ok?”

Bucky forced his smile wider.

“Of course,” he looked at his half-empty plate (three-quarters full, did he eat too much again?), “I’m just not that hungry.”

He pushed the chair away from the table and went to get up when Steve finally put his foot down.

“I think we should talk.”

Ice water washed over Bucky’s back. This is it. Steve finally has enough or the King or the doctors. He’d finally overstayed his welcome.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky whispered and to his embarrassment his voice wobbled from the tightness in his throat.

“You don’t have to apologize, Buck. I’m just— I’m worried, ok?”

Bucky lifted his head (when did he look down again?). Steve looked at him intently.

“Your appetite hasn’t been the best lately and if you don’t have enough energy that could make you feel worse throughout the day.”

Bucky’s arms tightened around his body. He could feel the softness of his belly. Nausea swept over him.

“I’m just not that hungry,” Bucky insisted again. What else could he say?

“Ok,” Steve sighed, this clearly wasn’t the right answer. “How about we ask for something that’s easy to stomach and high-calorie at your next doctor’s appointment. Is that ok?”

Bucky’s eyes started burning. Steve simply chose to believe his obvious lies and tried to offer solutions. He didn’t deserve this. He’ll just ruin Steve’s life if he stays here. His ruined body is proof of that.

“I don’t want to.”

“You need to eat.”

Bucky swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice steady despite the threatening tears.

“I don’t need as much as you do.”

Steve’s expression hardened and his mouth drew into a thin line. He’s getting fed up with me.

“You were barely fed enough to survive. Your metabolism might be slower right now but it will only recover if you show your body there is enough food and you’re not just surviving off scraps anymore.”

Bucky was surviving right now. Could it get better than this? His eyes burned harder and tears finally welled up. Despite trying to stay quiet a choked sob escapes him. Why now?

Steve gets up and walks around the table to crouch in front of Bucky. He projects all his movements and slowly lays a hand on Bucky’s leg.

“This isn’t about not being hungry, is it?” Bucky sobbed harder and shook his head. Steve’s hand rubbed in slow circles over Bucky’s leg and he wished desperately he could hug Steve right now.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now, but lets get you to lie down, ok?”

Steve had to treat him like a child, talking him through a crying fit. Fuck, he was pathetic, because Bucky was actually glad that he had Steve to lean on to shuffle the few meters to the living room and then curl into a ball on the soft cushions.

The gasping sobs had quieted down a bit when Steve went back to the kitchen to get a paper towel and a glass of water for Bucky.

“Can I?” Steve asked and pointed to the empty space on the sofa where Bucky was curled up. Like the perfect fucking super soldier he was, he waited until Bucky nodded.

It was humiliating how good it felt that Steve waited that little second.

Steve didn’t talk for a long time and just ran his hand through Bucky’s hair. When he’d started doing that Bucky’s tears had started again but the longer he kept going the calmer Bucky felt until he was ready to wipe his tears away.

He stayed in the same position—curled on his side—and didn’t look at Steve when he started talking.

“I’m sorry. I’m a liar. I’m hungry. I’m so fucking hungry all the time.” Bucky could feel Steve gearing up to say something, but Bucky powered through.

“But I can’t really trust my body, can I? I listened for way too long and now I’m—I—”

His voice falters. He tries to fight through the silence but his throat clamps up.

“I gained weight.”

It’s barely audible from trying to force the syllables through his steel-tight vocal chords.

Steve breathes out hard, but stays quiet. Still, stroke-stroke-stroking his hand through Bucky’s hair. This was the worst kind of confessional. He keeps going. Everything’s ruined now anyway.

“I feel so fucking useless. I just take and take and take. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you can even stand looking at me. I get it. I’ll understand if you want me to go away, I promise. You don’t have to keep this up. Really, I’m sorry.”

Tears prickled at the corners of Bucky’s eyes again and he bit his bottom lip to keep them at bay this time. He waited for Steve to finally say something and when he stayed quiet for a second and another, he finally dared to look over.

Steve was the one crying now. Silently. While he slowly shook his head.

“You—” Steve’s voice cracked but he kept talking, “—don’t have anything to be sorry for. I should have—”

He stops talking again, shakes his head once and sighs again.

“Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve…” Bucky recognises the mantra from Steve’s therapist.

“I wish I could take all those thoughts and just make them disappear. You deserve so much. You deserve to be here and I’m glad you’re here. Your weight doesn’t change that. It’s not going to change anything.”

Bucky buried his nose against the cushion he was lying on. His heart clenched tight and didn’t let up.

“I’ll say it until you believe it,” Steve broke off into a teary laugh.

They sat quietly for another moment until Steve quietly asked, “can I give you a hug?”

Bucky froze at the question. As much as he craved the contact and the feeling of Steve’s body against his, that question alone sent his brain into a scramble of panic.

“Give me a second,” he choked out.

His eyes stayed looking at an unfixed point on the floor while he worked through the flare of panic in his brain. He’d—They’d been forcing him to see a therapist and she’d been big on breathing. Breathing deep. In and out. Infuriatingly slowly.

“Do you want—”

“I’ll give you a hug.”

“—some water?”

They looked at each other stunned for a moment.

“Not right now. I can’t—I’m—”

“I get it,” Steve said easily. Bucky’s throated tightened again when he realised Steve actually meant it.

He took the glass of water he was offered and emptied it in one gulp.

They went through the rest of the evening quietly. Steve sent an e-mail to Bucky’s therapist when Bucky couldn’t get his thumbs to type anything. They cleaned up the dishes and put away the leftovers. Bucky had another glass of water and then they headed to their bedrooms.

Steve hesitated for a moment before he turned the door knob and when he looked up Bucky thought they’d turned back time a few decades.

“I’m really glad you’re here.”

Bucky dashed forward for the quickest hug in human history before he high-tailed it into the safety of his bedroom. His heart was beating like he’d sprinted a marathon, but the tightness in his chest loosened by a fraction.

+++

Steve stays after that. Just for a bit, he said but days turn into weeks and Steve stays.

He settled down in a way Bucky didn’t notice Steve hadn’t.

His toothbrush wanders from the kit he’d take on missions into the cup on the sink. The book he’s reading stays upside down on the coffee table instead of bookmarked and carefully placed back into the shelf.

They develop a routine. One that isn’t dictated by missions, mission prep and debriefs. Instead they rise with the sun. The first order of their day is breakfast and time spent outside. Easy companionship. Reading in silence.

It’s on one of those mornings that Bucky notices it.

The way Steve had softened a bit.

The weight.

His breath caught in his throat and he waited for that ugly hatred, the clawing at his throat and vile thoughts that plagued him when he looked in the mirror for too long.

But it never came.

He looked at Steve and saw comfort and warmth. The growing softness made him feel at home. Like tangible proof that Steve was here to stay. Safe and healthy. It took much longer for it to click in Bucky’s mind.

That’s me, he thought one morning while watching Steve in the bathroom mirror brushing his teeth.

A bit of pudge underneath his chin that isn’t completely hidden underneath his beard anymore. Chubby cheeks that make his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Soft, wide arms that looked too inviting for Bucky to resist the urge to hug Steve in that moment.

A startled laugh and then Bucky was enveloped in a full-body hug. The sharp smell of mint made his nose wrinkle, but Steve’s scent took over just a few moment later. Big, wide shoulders and a chubby belly, warmth bubbles up into Bucky’s chest and he can’t do anything but hug Steve even tighter.

And in that moment he doesn’t even mind his own belly pressing against Steve’s.

“What’s this for?” Steve asks eventually when he tries to go back to brushing his teeth and Bucky whines until he keeps hugging him.

“Being here.” Bucky shrugged, “loving me the way I am when I couldn’t.”

“Oh, Buck.” Steve couldn’t say anything more after that, he swallowed hard and tried a few times but then he just tightened his arms even further and pressed a kiss to Bucky’s forehead.

#Bucky #asks #Hurt/Comfort #chubby Bucky #chubby Steve #stucky #Negative Self-Talk #Self-Worth Connected To Weight #Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified #Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms #weight gain #Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers #Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)#Hurt Bucky Barnes #Bucky Barnes Recovering #Chubby Bucky Barnes #Chubby Steve Rogers #James Barnes/Steve Rogers

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thedarkishhours · 1 year

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I wish I would just fucking relapse and keep restricting instead of this restrict for a little while, binge for a little while and then be normal and repeat shit.

I want to restrict and lose the weight and keep it at least mostly off.

I’m tired.

#if I keep my intake at 1000 or less I could be at a decent place by my birthday #personal #actuallyed #ednos #eating disorder not otherwise specified #actually eating disorder #eating disorder #actually ed #actuallymentallyill #actuallyeatingdisorder

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skeletonclouds · 2 years

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This is what i want but i know its so bad for me

#tw ed relapse #trigger warning #ed diet #ednos #eating disorder not otherwise specified

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scooplery · 7 months

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trying to make myself eat a full meal without smoking weed first is harder than getting my fucking teeth extracted. come on man

#eating disorder not otherwise specified really b kicking my ass today. damn

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inevitablemoment · 11 months

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“can you hear me?”

Word Count: 400

Warnings: Starvation, overworking, exhaustion, fainting

Fandom: Who’s The Boss?

Pairings: Tony Micelli x Angela Bower

I know, I know. I really dropped the ball. I got a little overambitious, thinking that I could do each prompt every day, but I was wrong. I should’ve learned my lessons from previous challenges that I’ve done.

But, I’m finally writing for Who’s The Boss? It quickly became one of my favorite shows in quarantine, and I’m so excited to finally get content out for it.

Enjoy!

————————

Despite the fact that she had sequestered herself in her bedroom and her back was beginning to hurt, Angela resisted the urge to lay down. It felt like an Olympian feat to keep her eyes open and she thought that she could feel the bags under her eyes.

She didn’t even look up when she heard a knock at the door. “It’s open.”

She heard the door open, keeping her eyes on the papers until she heard the person entering speak up.

“Dinner’s gonna be ready in five,” Tony told her.

“Just put some leftovers aside,” Angela waved off, despite the hollow cramping that was building up in her stomach.

“You said the same thing yesterday,” Tony reminded.

Angela sighed. “Tony, I’ve been stuck on this pitch for days, and I’m finally close to a breakthrough.”

Tony leaned over the side of the bed to look at the mess of papers scattered across it. “The convenience store account? I thought Mona...”

“Well, it turns out that she had a good excuse for not coming into work this week-- the flu,” Angela muttered.

“Angela, you still need a break,” Tony tried to convince her.

Angela shook her head. “No, I’m gonna lose my-- I’m not even hungry right now.”

She was quickly proven to be lying when her stomach growled. Her entire face flushed red.

“Ignore that,” she said.

“Kinda hard to,” he sounded like he was trying to sound teasing, but his concern was more prominent.

He took hold of her hands and tried to help her to her feet.

“C’mon...”

“No, Tony, I’m fine,” Angela tried to argue. “I swear, I’m fine--”

Her words came to a halt as her eyes closed, feeling herself falling forward without any volition of her own. Tony caught her in his arms, his chest tightening up. He could feel her ribs poking through her clothes and the vibrations of her rumbling stomach against him.

“Ange? Can... can ya hear me?” he asked, gently patting her face. “Angela?”

He began to pull her closer into his arms, carrying her bridal-style back towards the bed. She began to come to once her back was to the mattress. She looked up at him, her eyes suddenly looking so big and so small at the same time.

“T-- Tony?” she murmured.

Tony sighed, relieved. “I’ll bring some food up to you. That sound okay?”

Angela nodded. “Yeah.”

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failbrothers · 3 months

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finally figuring out ur dad is a narcissist is such a wild ride

#i have so many thoughts that i have none left .#alls im gonna say #im glad it rlly wasnt all just me in the end #i was doomed from the start #like of course im gonna be insane #ofc im gonna have an eating disorder and self esteem issues and bpd and everything else not otherwise specified #lmao #in the stages of grief im at the relief and laughter phase

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what-if-i-dee-eye-do · 1 year

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reminder that if you put eating disorder shit in the did/osdd tags I'm fucking coming for you 🔫🔪🗡⛏🔧💣

#who's fronting?#other #negative #I have a part with a severe eating disorder I didn't ask to be triggered by going in UNRELATED TAGS #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #actuallydissociative

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cheeseplatypusandiceskates · 1 year

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TW: Eating Disorder. “I’m Hungry, Can I Buy You Food?” (misnomer title)

So, I have a habit of restricting until the latest possible moment and then flipping out and binging on whatever is on sight. But sometimes when I restrict, I need help eating food after and need to be with someone and buy them food for it to feel ok for me to eat something. Lately, however, I’ve been tight on money and that’s not been as possible. But due to more recent trauma, I’ve been bingeing or just simply overeating a lot. A lot. And it’s been really, really difficult keeping myself balanced, especially with food. My current binge foods have been ice cream, chili, and trufru fruit bags. I wish I was restricting. I wish I had enough money to buy people food. I know food is just food and that food itself has no emotions, no sentience. But I hate my relationship with food and changing it is so hard???? I’ve known this for years, I’ve been working on this for years, but I’m so damn exhausted fighting (or not fighting and then feeling guilty instead) this every single damn day. I’m so tired of fighting for myself, fighting for recovery, or feeling guilty when I give into impulses. I just want to rest for a bit.

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soleillady · 4 months

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Explicando abreviações e nomes usados na comunidade de ED

Sei que muitas pessoas estão chegando aqui na comunidade, então apesar de existir vários posts como esse, eu decidi fazer mais um, assim pode ter mais alguma informação ou chegar em mais pessoas que estejam com dúvidas.

Vamos lá! ↓ 💖

ED: Eating Disorder (transtorno alimentar)

T.A.: transtorno alimentar

Ana: apelido para anorexia

Mia: apelido para bulimia

LF: significa LOW FOOD (pouca comida), pode ser usado para dizer que vai comer pouco no dia, semana etc.

NF: significa NO FOOD (sem comida), é um jejum, e cada um faz esse jejum por um tempo determinado por si mesmo ou por alguma dieta, mas façam NF com moderação, pq pode ser bem perigoso.

MI: significa META INICIAL, é a sua primeira meta, aquele peso que você sonha em chegar mas ainda não é o ideal, o meu é 52kg por exemplo. Você pode ter várias dessas antes da meta final.

MF: significa META FINAL, é a sua meta de peso, aquele peso ideal para você, por exemplo, a minha é 45kg.

PI: significa PESO INICIAL, é o seu peso de quando você entrou nesse mundo, o meu por exemplo era entre 50kg e 52kg. Mas caso você tenha entrado em recovery ou algo assim, você pode usar o peso inicial desse recomeço, o meu seria 54,90kg.

PA: significa PESO ATUAL, é literalmente o seu peso atual, e você vai atualizando ao longo do tempo quando você for perdendo (ou ganhando) peso. O meu por exemplo é 53,95kg

Omad: significa ONE MEAL A DAY (uma refeição por dia). É tipo uma dieta, você só come uma refeição no dia, pode ser em qualquer horário que eu saiba e você coloca o seu limite de calorias.

MEALSPO: é como se fosse uma refeição inspiradora, se vc jogar isso no pinterest vc vai encontrar pratos com comidas limpas ou algo 0kcal por exemplo.

MEANSPO: é aquilo que te incentiva a continuar lutando pelo sonho de ser magra mas que é agressivo, tipo uma pessoa mandando você fechar a boca pois está enorme etc.

THINSPO: é uma inspiração de corpo, cada pessoa tem uma ou várias, eu por exemplo tenho várias idols de Kpop como inspiração, sendo a Wonyoung do IVE a mais famosa.

Comer limpo: acho que talvez não tenham dúvidas sobre isso, mas significa você comer saudável, comer frutas, legumes e verduras. Comer sujo seria um fast food.

0kcal: significa ter 0 calorias. Os mais ingeridos são as bebidas, como os refrigerantes zero, chás, cafés, mas existem outras bebidas 0kcal também. A água é 0kcal também e faz SUPER bem.

Miar: vem de Mia (bulimia), e significa v0mit4r. Um dos sintomas da bulimia é se punir por ter comido.

Purgar: é a punição que alguns fazem após comer, pode ser v0mit4ndo, pode ser por aut0mutilação, pode ser por uso de laxantes ou diuréticos. Não sei se o termo Miar se encaixa em se punir, mas acho que é só para v0mit4r (me corrijam se estiver errado).

Intake: significa ingestão. É usado para se referir a quantidade de calorias que você consumiu durante o dia.

Recovery: é a recuperação de um transtornado, ele está tentando deixar de ser transtornado, normalmente com a ajuda de terapia, da família, amigos entre outros.

EDNOS: significa Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (traduzindo mais ou menos: tanstornos alimentares não especificados). É quando uma pessoa possivelmente tem um transtorno mas ele não se encaixa em só um, a pessoa pode ter características da anorexia e vigorexia juntas por exemplo.

Compulsão alimentar: é o ato de comer compulsivamente, comer até lixo se for possível, não confundam com 4 docinhos que vocês comeram depois do almoço sem querer, isso é descontrole. Compulsão é muito mais sério, por isso é um transtorno também.

Platô: conhecido como efeito platô, é quando o seu peso simplesmente fica parado, ele congela, você não ganha peso e não perde peso. Por exemplo, eu to presa nos 53kg 🥴. Uma salvação é fazer a dieta zig-zag.

Bônus: dieta zig-zag consiste em em comer quantidades variadas de calorias durante um tempo, até vc sair do efeito platô. Para saber mais vcs podem acessar o perfil do @lucca-strangee, ele explica tudo direitinho lá 💖

LEMBRETE: Não se comparem com outras pessoas, quase todo mundo aqui não é realmente diagnosticado, então não se sintam mal caso vocês não sejam super magros e super transtornados que nem fulano q é assim e é super focado. Viver assim é muito difícil, mas depois de um tempo vira rotina. Não é legal, mas a cabeça de quem passa por isso também não é legal. Eu por exemplo já não ligo mais, a vida nem faz sentido e eu n consigo controlar nada, mas o meu peso eu tenho que conseguir controlar. É importante lembrar que isso é uma doença e que existem vários transtornos, mas normalmente os principais são a anorexia, bulimia e compulsão alimentar. Aqui quase todo mundo trata como um diário, conta inclusive as partes ruins, então n ache q é maneiro viver assim, a gente sabe que é uma doença, mas querendo ou não, isso vira "tipo" um estilo de vida.

CURIOSIDADE: o termo "borboletana" mistura borboleta com Ana (anorexia). Ana pois é o transtorno, e borboleta pois é um símbolo famoso entres as pessoas da comunidade (antes você é a lagarta, ao longo do processo de emagrecer você vai para a etapa do casulo, e quando você finalmente chega na sua meta você se torna uma linda borboleta). É um termo antigo que eu nem sei se é usado ainda pq hoje em dia os outros transtornos são mais reconhecidos e ter T.A. não se resume mais em ser anoréxico.

Juntei várias dúvidas gerais e algumas que eu tinha. Espero ter ajudado, podem me corrigir caso haja algum erro. Força para nós e boa sorte pra quem chegou agora. Amo vocês 💖

#ed br #garotas bonitas não comem #tw ana diary #ana mia brasil #borboletana

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thebibliosphere · 2 months

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hey, noticed you talk about having POTS, hope this is okay to ask -

I'm looking into a diagnosis myself, so

1: what made you first consider POTS as a possibility for you, and

2: what advice might you have for anyone new to managing their POTS? all the health website article suggestions seem pretty weak

thanks for taking the time to read this!

I've technically got two types of dysautonomia, one of which is "presumed to be POTS" and the other which is listed as "non-specified" because I've got MCAS and that can trigger all kinds of 'fun' autonomic dysregulation.

I was diagnosed after several years of suffering from vertigo, rapid heart beat, problems with blood pressure regulation and severe headaches.

I did a tilt table test which was juuuust under the threshold for diagnosis (a shift of more than 30bpm is considered worthy of investigation. Mines was 29bpm), but give the rest of my symptoms, the doctors had the sense to go "yeah, that's dysautonomia" and started me on treatment.

When you say the suggestions seem weak, what does that mean?

A lot of POTS/dysautonomia management starts with very basic things, like adequate hydration with electrolytes and boosting salt intake to increase blood volume.

Other common advice is to wear compression garments to keep blood flow from pooling in our outer extremities. On bad days, I wear the medical equivalent of Spanx to keep my blood flow in my core; otherwise, it pools in my legs, and I faint.

Sounds silly, but it's the nature of the disorder.

Eating smaller, more frequent meals, which is frequently recommended, can also sound like hokum, but it can help because it puts less strain on the nervous system. If you're eating heavy meals 3x a day, that pulls blood flow to your digestion, and that can make POTS symptoms worse, which is why you'll sometimes get advice to graze throughout the day instead.

There are medications you can take, such as beta-blockers, if you need them, but before that happens, a knowledgeable dysautonomia doctor will absolutely put you on the "drink more water and eat salty snacks" method of management to see if it helps.

It's basically one of the "the body has forgotten how to body" disorders, and treatment can range from extremely basic but effective to complicated and (hopefully) effective. It really depends on how severe the individual is.

#chronic health tag #dysautonomia

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it-is-only-a-novel · 4 months

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Neurodivergent: a list

A list of those who are included under the "neurodivergent" label.

Applied Neurodiversity

Dyscalculia

Dysgraphia

Dyslexia

Dysnomia

Dyspraxia

Dissociative disorders

Depersonalization-derealization disorder (DpDr)

Dissociative amnesia

Dissociative identity disorder (DID)

Other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD)

Unspecified dissociative disorder

Eating disorders:

Anorexia nervosa

Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)

Binge-eating disorder

Bullimia nervosa

Pica

Mental illnesses:

Anxiety

Delusional disorder

Depression

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Personality Disorders:

Cluster A:

Paranoid personality disorder

Schizoid personality disorder

Schizotypal personality disorder

Cluster B:

Antisocial personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

Cluster C:

Avoidant personality disorder

Dependent personality disorder

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

Other:

Personality change due to another medical condition

Personality disorder not otherwise specified (PD-NOS)

personality disorder trait specified (PD-TS)

Tic disorder

Chronic motor or vocal tic disorder

Tourette syndrome

Transient tic disorder

other

Acquired Brain Injuries (ABI)

Angelmans Syndrome

Auditory processing disorder

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

Body integrity identity disorder (BIID)

Bipolar disorder

Depersonalization-derealization disorder (DPDR)

Down syndrome

Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD)

Fragile X syndrome

Hyperlexia

Intellectual disability

Irlen Syndrome

Meares-Irlen Syndrome

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Obsessive love disorder (OLD)

Pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streptococcal infections (PANDAS)

Prader-Willi Syndrome (PWS)

Prosopagnosia

Savant Syndrome

Schizophrenia

Synesthesia

Williams Syndrome/Williams Beuren Syndrome

This is by no means a full list.

If you: see that I'm missing something, or

want me to rephrase something, or

have a resource to share, or

have a suggestion for organizing the list

please let me know in the comments/rebloggs.

I'm autistic and I love making lists. I also hope it may help spread awareness about neurodivergent people!

I am not an expert. But I do believe that we should be careful to include people in the neurodivergent umbrella. We are stronger together.

Updated: 9/2/24

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wangxianficfinder · 4 months

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In the mood for...

Jan 16th

LINK LIMIT REACHED (please look in replies for more recs ^^)

~*~

1. Hello, looking for fics that discuss or focus around wy being in a different body and yeah kinda just focused around that. thanks!

the soft animal by cafecliche (T, 5k, wangxian, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, the physicality of moving on: the fic, LWJ is the best husband, Podfic Available, (the presence of) MXY, and a whole bunch of Baby Lans)

a better world by ilip13 (G, 1k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Slice of Life, Soft WangXian, mild body dysphoria, Hopeful Ending)

a kind of emptiness by ScarlettStorm (E, 11k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Eating Disorders, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorder Recovery, low angst, Happy Ending, seriously in spite of the tags this fic is very soft, Tender smut, Frottage, Praise Kink, Additional Warnings In Author's Note)

~*~

2. hopefully something similar to this

thank u!! @/weiwuxianfan34

hunters seeking solid ground by Attila (E, 23k, WangXian, Canon Compliant, discussion of canon character death, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Getting Together, Yearning, Literal Sleeping Together, Really Excessive Amounts of Hurt/Comfort)

~*~

3. Hi, for the next itmf, do you guys have and lwj/wwx/lxc recs? Like with the three of them together in a relationship. It can be cannon era or modern era, I don't really mind either but I would prefer cannon era. Thank you for the help.

our close and kindred ties by exmanhater (E, 41k, WangXianXi, Pregnancy Kink, Incest, almost incest, Post-Canon, Gender Changes, Always a Different Sex, Cunnilingus, Vaginal Sex, Riding, Vaginal Fingering, Established Relationship, Situational Incest Only, POV Outsider, Pregnancy, Family Feels, Fluff, Incest Adjacent, Threesome - F/F/M, Relationship Negotiation, (slight) Pregnancy Kink, Kid Fic, Parenting, Inappropriate Use of Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon, Double Penetration, LWJ is a service top, Strap-Ons, Anal Sex, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Restraints, Parenthood) has f!wangxian but otherwise i think it's post-canon-ish setting?

oh we have moved forward in pain by rainbowshoes (E, 47k, WangXianXi, past 3zun, past Niecest, Incest, Post-Betrayal Depression, Severe depressive episodes, Bruises, Bite marks, Consensual sexual injuries, Self harm through sex, self harm ideation, Nightmares, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Excessive Drinking, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Scars, Past Child Abuse, implied ace jc, Explicit Sexual Content, Guilt, Canon-verse version of safe-wording out, Canon-verse version of subdrop, Child Abuse, discussion of death and murder, Discussion of wwx’s first time in the burial mounds, Broken Bones, Starvation, eating corpses, Insecurity not-so-accidental child acquisition, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sort Of, Sibling Incest, mix and mash Mashup of cql verse and novel, anti-lqr)

set my soul alight Series by Skadiseven (E, 42k, WangXianXi, Modern AU, Jadecest, Sibling Incest, Toronto, Halloween Costumes, Halloween, Canada, Jade Xianwich, WWX POV, Power Play, LXC POV, Rough Sex, Intercrural Sex, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Aftercare, Sort Of)

take this weight of mine by soliloqui (E, 84k, WangXianXi, Post-Canon, LXC in Seclusion, Depression, touch starvation, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Dissociation, Canon-Typical Violence, Unreliable Narrator, Dual Cultivation, mild fuck-or-die, Mild Consent Issues, please check end notes of chapter 2 for more information, Sibling Incest, Hurt/Comfort, gentle smut, Healing, demisexual LXC, demisexual lwj, Protective LWJ, Protective LXC, Protective WWX, lqr's a++ parenting, Angst with a Happy Ending)

🔒Embers by xantissa (E, 38k, WangXian, XiXian, WangXianXi, Jadecest, Angst, drama, Fluff, Falling In Love, sex pollen trope (curse), dub con, Comfort, Grief, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Sibling Incest, Switching, Flirting, Learning to live again, Magic, Curses, Everyone is Badass, lwj has a sense of humor, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Threesome - M/M/M, Slow Burn, Angst and Hurt/Comfort)

🔒Magnificent by Anonymous (E, 36k, WangXianXi, Post-Canon, Sibling Incest, Threesome - M/M/M, Deepthroating, Mutual Masturbation, Nipple Play, Blow Jobs, Jadecest, Light Angst, Past NieLan, Sharing a Bed, Canon Compliant, Top LWJ, Switch LXC, Switch WWX, Spitroasting, Face-Fucking, Come Eating, Snowballing, Facials, Praise Kink, over-stimulation, Ass to Mouth, Intercrural Sex, Laughter During Sex, Rimming, Come as Lube, Magical Healing Cock, i guess, Come play)

给我再去相信的勇气 // the courage to believe by howodd5ever (E, 55k, WangXian, WangXianXi, Threesome - M/M/M, Jadecest, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Undernegotiated Kink, Choking, Spanking, Dom/sub, Rough Sex, dub con but trust me wei ying is into it, Polyamory, Getting Together, First Times, porn with a tiny bit of plot if you squint, Bottom wwx, bratty WWX, Marks, WWX Has a Breeding Kink, mostly cql canon timeline but otherwise franken-canon, angst but not about the poly stuff, Cockwarming, a little rimming as a treat)

Fraternal Fissures by Foregone_Shadow (E, 33k, Jadecest, WangXianXi, Angst with a Happy Ending, Threesome - M/M/M, Dual Cultivation, Healing Sex, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Sibling Incest, Explicit Sexual Content, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Sex, Somnophilia, Reference to relationships between 3zun, POV Alternating, Oral Sex, Rough Oral Sex, Tender Sex, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Care and aftercare, Bondage, dom!lwj, Sub!lxc, Top / Bottom Versatile Characters, LWJ is canonically huge, Size Kink, Porn with Feelings, Porn With Plot, Light BDSM, Voyeurism, Depression, Dubious Consent, LWJ talks dirty, Marathon Sex, switch!WWX, Lots of bathing, gagging, Blindfolds, Inappropriate Use of Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon, Belly Kink, Orgasm Denial, Prostate Play)

~*~

4. hello! this is an itmf request. i would love:

A) recs on good case fics - i have a soft spot for those that take place during the cloud recesses study arc, but any and all case fic recs welcome :)

B) recs on de-aging/age regression fics - whether wangxian or other characters. thank you thank you! @/potatokunst

4A)

see you yesterday by glyphic (M, 138k, WIP, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Ghost Hunters, Time Loop, Case Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn) if OP is open to modern AUs

🔒 Wish I could forget the taste of your skin and the feel of your hands pinning me down by KizuKatana (E, 63k, wangxian, WQ & WWX & WN, Modern Cultivation, weapons-grade thirst, Getting Back Together, Trying REALLY hard to not still like your Ex, but failing, BAMF WWX, BAMF LWJ, Canon Divergence, Case Fic, LWJ’s canonically big dick, sort of a ‘thirsting for your co-worker ex’ vibe, it eventually gets worked out, Mutual Pining, Guest-starring LWJ’s canonically poor communication choices after romantic cave encounters, novel canon relationship dynamics, basically this fic is about escalating sexual tension)

🔒 Vagabond by xantissa (E, 65k, wangxian, Slow Burn, Mystery, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Frottage, Case Fic, murders, Supernatural, Angst, Fluff, those two are so in love it hurts, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, badass LXC, Canon-Typical Violence, topLWJ, Bottom LWJ)

build me no shrines by occultings (microcomets) (M, 54k, WangXian, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, First Time, Getting Together, Confessions, Sharing a Bed, Hair Washing, Sentient Burial Mounds, Case Fic, Post-Canon, CQL Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Light Angst, Flashbacks, mild body horror, foot washing, Happy Ending, Non-Sexual Intimacy, …then sexual intimacy, [Podfic] build me no shrines by flamingwell)

爱不释手; never let me go by yiqie (E, 68k, WangXian, Case Fic, Blood and Injury, Demons, Body Horror)

in your skin by darkredloveknot (enheduane) (E, 10k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Getting Together, Horror, Body Horror, Blood and Gore, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Non-Consensual Body Modification, kinda??, Reflections over death and self-worth, mentions of canon suicide, Near Death Experiences, [Podfic] in your skin by flamingwell)

there was recently a whole event about casefics! Not all of them are wangxian but a lot are so maybe one will catch your interest

💖 I’d be the one to hold you down (kiss you so hard) by AlfAlfAlfAlfAlf & tardigradeschool (E, 85k, wangxian, JGY/LXC, NMJ/LXC, modern, leverage au, canon-typical violence, unhealthy relationships, depression, heists, found family, murder, hurt/comfort, angst w/ happy ending)

🧡 moonlight caught in mutton fat by Raitelzen (T, 45k, WangXian, Case Fic, Curses, Curse Breaking, Transformation, mild body horror, Hurt LWJ, Ghosts)

Your Hand in Mine by cerbykerby (T, 20k, WangXian, Humor, Comedy, Pining, cursed to hold hands, Light Angst, Sharing a Bed, First Dates, Embarrassment, Fluff, bathing together, Canon Compliant)

Linger in the Sun by etymologyplayground (T, 39k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Case Fic, Intimacy, Curses, Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Cuddling & Snuggling, Getting Together, Romance, Sexual Tension, Scent Kink, m.. maybe??, its not as intense as a kink, Fluff, Scars, Sharing a Bed, Nonverbal Communication)

this river runs to you by sundiscus (T, 53k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Mutual Pining, Dragons, Literal Sleeping Together, Tender wound tending)

4B)

grow by cafecliche (T, 14k, WangXian, Age Regression/De-Aging, Character Study, Post-Canon, podfic available)

home is where we are by halfdemonvash (T, 17k, wangxian, JC & WWX, Twin Prides of Yúnmèng are Bad at Communicating, JC & WWX Reconciliation, but only somewhat because these these things take time, Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst and Feels, Hijinks & Shenanigans, accidental baby acquisition but it's actually your older brother, references to wwx's past being homeless, and also his past food insecurity, rated T for jiang cheng's language, and light sexual content in the beginning, Post-Canon, Yúnmèng Siblings Feels, Junior Trio Shenanigans)

Bringing Up JC by Mikkeneko (T, 31k, JC & WWX, JC & JL JL & WWX, JL & LSZ, Kid Fic, Age Regression/De-Aging, Fluff and Angst, anticipate about one part kid cuteness to two parts angst, Reparenting, reliving trauma, unpacking JC's childhood issues, no therapy in the jianghu so this will have to do, Take Care reveal, Yúnmèng Siblings Feels, JC & WWX Reconciliation, WWX Is Good With Children, WWX Has a Fear of Dogs, Golden Core Reveal)

🔒 Silver & Gold by beeswaxing (E, 162k, wangxian, post-canon, de-aging, fluff & angst, happy ending, fix-it of sorts, family bonding, established relationship, non-sexual intimacy, BAMF WWX, pining, protective WWX)

found your writing on my wall by howodd5ever (T, 25k, WangXian, JC & LWJ, JC & WWX, Accidental Baby Acquisition, De-aged WWX, Post-Canon, Getting Together, Referenced Child Neglect, discussion of parental loss, child food insecurity, Case Fic, kind of, Nightmares)

🔒suddenly an old song fills my heart with home, my eyes with tears by RoseThorne (T, 724, WangXian, JC & WWX, Curses, Rebirth, Memories, Memory Loss, Age Regression/De-Aging, Recovered Memories, POV Third Person)

~*~

5. Hi, I am looking for fics in the canon-ish setting where characters undergo major injuries or illnesses that disable them but they are still bamf? (Last part added to a FF)

we’re starting at the end by Miss_Enthusiasimal (M, 92k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Time Travel, Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Golden Core Reveal, Burial Mounds, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Starvation, emaciation, Cannibalism, Self-Harm, Amputation, Suicidal Thoughts, Sunshot Campaign, let JZX and WWX be friends club) WWX loses a leg & continues fighting the SSC with no-one being the wiser

🔒 no new age by everythingispoetry (M, 146k, wangxian, LSZ & LWJ, LXC/JGY, LXC/NMJ, Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Permanent Injury, Recovery, Disability, Parenthood, Character Study, Thirteen Years of WWX's Death, Growing Up, Family Dynamics, Self-Discovery, Mental Health Issues, Grief/Mourning, Families of Choice, Developing Relationship) LWJ is left disabled by the 33 lashes punishment, & pushes through it, which I would think qualifies for BAMF status

🧡 Company by WithBroomBefore (T, 29k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Pre-Relationship, Getting Together, POV LWJ, Fix-It, Pre-Canon, at least to start, WWX goes to Cloud Recesses, But Not In The Usual Way, fear of character death, Everybody Lives, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Light Angst, good teacher LQR, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, brief discussion of past minor character suicide, Kitten, Not YZY Friendly)

🔒 a star called sun by thelastdboy (E, 120k, wangxian, SL/XXC, JC & JYL & WWX, JYL & LWJ, WWX & WN & WQ, JYL/JZX, Canon Divergence after Xuanwu Cave, Fall of Lotus Pier, But worse!, Power Imbalance, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Not Everyone Dies AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Canon-Typical Violence, Sunshot Campaign, Miscommunication, Heavy Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Major Character Injury, Loss of Limbs, Chronic Illness, Seizures, WWX's Three Months in the Burial Mounds, Wēn Remnants Live, Wēn Remnants Deserve Better, WWX Creates a Sect | Yílíng Wèi Sect, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Hurt/Comfort, Selectively Mute LWJ, Service Animals, Crows)

Obscuring the Sun by Karmiya (E, 24k, WIP, WangXian, WWX & WN, the sunshot campaign, Past Domestic Abuse)

~*~

6. ITMF a fic where preferably wwx is an amputee but lwj is okay too and I’d also prefer it in modern setting but again cannon timeline is fine as well @/zerokogane

🔒some things go forward by everythingispoetry (T, 73k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hospitals, Teenage Drama, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending)

Work in Tandem by MimiSpearmint (E, 23k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Single Parent LWJ, when you just want disability-led sword lessons for your child, swordflight instructor!wwx, swordflight instructor!lwj, Fluff, give lwj friends agenda, Protective LWJ, Getting Together, Intercrural Sex, Choking, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Implied off-screen D/s negotiations)

~*~

7. Hey! Do have any recs where wwx never loses his golden core? Like the Just Say Yes series? Could be an au, or anything. Thank you!

Lessons relearned by Iamnotawriter (T, 44k, WangXian, LQR & WWX, Not YZY Friendly, Time Travel Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inventor WWX, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, No Golden Core Transfer, YZY Bashing)

Until The World Embraces Me Home by azri (T, 5k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, YLLZ LWJ, LWJ Has No Golden Core, Role Reversal, Not LXC Friendly, Not JC Friendly, Not cultivation world friendly overall tbh, Sunshot Campaign, Friends to Lovers, Temporary Character Death, WangXian Get a Happy Ending) LZ loses his core but WY keeps his

A Thousand Things by tickertape (M, 108k, wangxian, canon divergence, WWX is not adopted by Jiangs, develping friendships, miscommunication, misunderstanding, nightmares, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, slow burn)

~*~

8. Hi, itmf recently completed wips. What's new and good is ready for the binge reading. Thank you! @/best-before-end

pale shadows of forgotten names by Chrononautical (T, 56k, wangxian, Madam Lán Lives, Madam Lán Deserves Better, Good Sibling LXC, Badass LXC, He gets there in the end it just takes a while, Not particularly JGY friendly, Gūsū Lán Sect Rules, Canon-Typical Behavior, Unresolved Sexual Tension, the universal fear of growing up to become one of your parents, Canon Divergence, Everyone Lives AU, Except WN but he's very polite, Arranged Marriage, Forced Marriage, Imprisonment, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, not between wangxian, Drunk LWJ, to lighten the mood, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Traumatized WWX, though he will not admit it, Taking time to heal, canon-typical communication skills)

~*~

9. Hello! I am in the mood for a wangxian arranged marriage fanfic. I would prefer a longer story (over 50k words, if possible). It can be canon or even AU. I would like the story to focus not only on the relationship between LZ and WY but also on the politics behind it. It can also be omegaverse. It would be great if their relationship is rocky at first and then becomes better. If there's more fanfics like this, I would be grateful for all of them. Thank you very much. @/broodyelii

Concord by Deastar (T, 41k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Gūsū Lán Sect Rules, Depression, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending)

🧡 a stone to break your soul, a song to save it by rikke (M, 179k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage) Definitely meets the length criteria, though its been long enough since I last read it that I don't recall how much it went into the politics of the marriage

love, in fire and blood by cicer (E, 360k, wangxian, immortal WWX, slow burn, pining, arranged marriages)

❤️ A Myriad of Blossoms by Itszero (E, 56k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, Forced Marriage, YLLZ WWX, Hurt LWJ, Cruel wwx, he's cruel until he's not, Protective WWX, Caring WWX, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Eventual Smut, Bottom LWJ, Dark WWX)

The Scarlet Lotus by rainbowninja167 (M, 137k, WangXian, Marriage of Convenience, Secret Identity, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Canon-Typical Violence, canon-typical war crimes, Yunmeng Bros, the mortifying ordeal of getting seduced by your own husband, nonlinear chronology we die like cql, just kidding nobody dies in this fic, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication)

~*~

10. Itmf wangxian fics with WWX in peril (happy ending only please).

pitfalls of greed by glitteringmoonlight (T, 3k, wangxian, post-canon, outsider pov, BAMF WWX, kidnapping, violence)

❤️ kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight by AlfAlfAlfAlfAlf, tardigradeschool (T, 75k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Together, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Inspired by The Parent Trap (1998), Kid Fic, teen shenanigans, two a-yuans, Fluff and Angst)

~*~

11. I am currently reading "Get it right (mdzs time travel) Series" by AmiraAlzilu (AO3) and now I'm ITMF for a time travel fic where LXC and LQR are specifically called out for their lack of trust in LWJ witness testimony (aka child/elders in the Burial Mounds) and believing a sworn brother over family. Bonus for a) apologies or b) digging a deeper hole aka surely LWJ is mistaken, Meng Yao would never, I'm looking at you chapter 15 to 17 of this fic LXC (yes I'm salty). Bonus bonus for consequences on LXC's loose lips telling things to others he was asked to keep in confidence.... @/mreisse

I'm #11, and you know what? Recs calling out LXC and LQR is also fine :)

Weep You No More, Sad Fountains by athena_crikey (T, 59k, wangxian, LXC & LWJ, LXC & JGY, Canon Divergence, Fix-it fic, Whump, Curses, Fever, Delirium, Stabbing, Loneliness, Confessions, LWJ's emotional repression, WWX giving everything as always, LXC realising sympathy is not support, LQR Being an Asshole) Okay so this isn't a time travel fic, so feel free to disregard, BUT! Does have LXC coming to WWX for help & seeing the truth, & characters calling him tf out on how it took him this long, so requester may still be interested

~*~

12. this is an itmf ask!!

fics where wwx is in his full yiling patriarch glory, I want to see scary yllz, possessive yllz (for lwj ofc) anything. longer fics pls but anything is fine, just no wips please haha!!

🔒hold me fast, fear me not by cicer (M, 16k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fairy Tale Elements, Mpreg, Bottom LWJ/Top WWX, YLLZ WWX, brief reference to abortificants, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, may be interpreted as noncon by some)

curse of the dragon emperor by lulu_kitty (E, 96k, WangXian, Dragon AU, Canon Divergence, Mythology References, Identity Porn, Cursed WWX, Trans LWJ, Trans Male Character, Misgendering, Canon-Typical Violence, Gender Dysphoria, gender euphoria, Phoenixes, Dragon WWX, Fox WWX, Double Penetration in Two Holes, Vaginal Sex, Anal Sex, Cunnilingus, Bottom LWJ/Top WWX, Dirty Talk, Submissive LWJ, Trauma, WWX Has PTSD, Minor Character Death, Prince WWX, Emperor WWX, Soulmates, Arranged Marriage, Mpreg, Trans Male Pregnancy, Size Difference, Dragonxian has two dicks, YLLZ WWX, technically!, It's more like YLLZ adjacent)

your darkest roads by comefeedtherainn (E, 76k, WangXian, YLLZ WWX, non-yunmeng wwx, Kinda, No Golden Core Transfer, Dark WWX, d/s dynamics, No noncon, playing with subverting some tropes/expectations)

~*~

13. I swear the only reason I can still consume Wangxian content daily is because of your recommendations.

There’s a couple fics I’ve been craving for a while and haven’t been able to find any I really love, so any help/ recommendations would be much appreciated!

A) Lan Xichen focused fics. It’s so hard to find fics that centre him.

B) Lan Sizhui focused fics. Mainly him with his dads/ family, but also him remembering his past would be great! Baby or adult A-yuan.

C) Wangxian being parents. Wei Wuxian being single parent. Just them being amazing dad’s content.

I’d appreciate any of these prompts 💞✨💫 @/jinxedjaz

13A)

Chapter 2 of Every Mother's Son by Chrononautical (T, 11k, Madam Lan & WWX, Madam Lan & LWJ, Madam Lan & Lxc, wangxian, Madam Lán Lives, Madam Lán Deserves Better, Madam Lán Leaves Cloud Recesses, Madam Lan rescues women from abusive husbands in feudal Japan and honestly that's so valid of her, mentions of rape/non-con between Madam Lan & QHJ, Give Madam Lan a name of her own, let Madam Lan find out that QHJ died in a fire as a treat, now with bonus Lan Xichen!) chapter 1 is more focused on LWJ and WWX, I recommend both :)

i told you when i came i was a stranger by Caramelized (M, 50k, OFC/LXC, minor WangXian, Isekai, Transmigration, Fix-It, Canon Divergence, Amateur cartography, Butterfly Effect, Sunshot Campaign, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, No Golden Core Transfer, Dimension Travel, Politics, LXC the politician, Self-Insert, Foreknowledge, Angst with a Happy Ending) it's SI/OC but heavily features LXC (including some chapters from his POV). also has one of my favorite characterizations of LXC i've seen in fic

To Love What Is Mortal by treemaidengeek (T, 22k, LXC/SL, Post-Canon, Grief/Mourning, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, [Podfic] To Love What Is Mortal by flamingwell) as well as most of the works in this series.

Gentle Exile by rynleaf (E, 9k, LXC/SL, Post-Canon, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, References to Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Character Study, Epistolary, Post-Canon Exploration, [PODFIC] Gentle Exile by flamingwell, semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona))

13B)

When You Wake, 怎能当梦一场 by acertainrogue (T, 39k, WangXian, WWX is in a coma, Angst with a Happy Ending, Modern AU, Single Dad LWJ, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Parenthood, YZY's A+ Parenting, JFM's A+ parenting, wangxian family) this is completely from lsz's pov

this blood in my mouth by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 3k, WangXian, LSZ & WWX & LWJ, Post-Canon, POV LXC)

The Living Looked That Day by violettressed (T, 19k, LSZ & WN, WangXian, Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Ritualistic Self-Harm, Mild Gore)

🧡 Lan Sizhui Sees Dead People Series by darkbrokenreaper (T, 30k, WIP, WangXian, LWJ & LSZ, JC & LSZ, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Kid Fic, Hurt/Comfort, lsz sees dead people, Paranormal)

as i stumble homewards by the_pretzel (T, 27k, wangxian, canonical character death, found family, food issues, trauma, LSZ pov, angst w/ happy ending, fluff) LSZ raised by ghost!WWX

Symmetry by Vir_Abelasan (M, 13k, WangXian, LSZ & WWX, One-Sided ChengXian, One-Sided ChengZhui, Canon Divergence, LSZ is raised by wwx, Wwx still dies sorry, Revenge, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Dark LSZ, Manipulation, Power Imbalance, Torture, Not JC Friendly, JC’s Canonical 13 Years Murder Spree, BAMF LSZ, WangXian Get a Happy Ending, LSZ Gets to Go Apeshit) LSZ gets to have a lil revenge, as a treat

Remember, Remember by Izzyaro (Isilarma) (G, 1k, LSZ & WN, LJY & LSZ, Character Study, Post-Canon, Family, Families of Choice, Grief/Mourning, Angry LSZ, LSZ Needs a Hug, not for jc fans, LSZ gets a hug) LSZ remembers a few things, & gets to be angry

the kite string and the anchor rope by fleurdeliser (M, 39k, wangxian, after yiling date, sick child) LSZ is sick for a chunk of this but is still the central character

keeping score by hauntedotamatone (T, 6k, LSZ & WWX, Background WangXian, the opposite of reconciliation, Protective WWX, Duelling, Grief/Mourning, not for jc fans, Swordfighting, Resentment, LSZ centric, No JC & WWX Reconciliation) featuring protective dad WWX

Would You Come Home? by s6115 (Not rated, 46k, WangXian, Junior Quartet Centric, Time Travel Fix-It, Canon Divergence, Junior Quartet Dynamics) being a coming-of-age type story as LSZ discovers his past with WWX

13C)

emergent properties by luckymarrow (E, 8k, WangXian, Modern AU, Family Fluff, Trans Male Character, Trans LWJ, Queer Families, Queer Youth, Adoption, Baby LSZ, Teen MXY, Crossdressing, but not as a kinkgender expression, Dilf4Dilf Wangxian, Penis In Vagina Sex, Blow Jobs, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Smut, gender euphoria, Cunnilingus)

at no other time by luckymarrow (M, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, Queer Families, Queer Youth, Child LSZ, Family Fluff, Non-Explicit Sex, farming, Wangxian Run an Organic Farm as God Intended, Found Family, Families of Choice, Adoption, Trans Male Character, Married WangXian, Established Relationship)

Across the street to another life by danegen (M, 99k, WangXian, Modern AU, unleashed au, Family Fluff, Set in America, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Addiction, Crime, Amnesia, Ableist Language, another fridged mother, POV Alternating, past wwx/ofc, past wwx/omc, Medium parent YZY, A-Yuan is wwx’s biological son, Musicians, Happy Ending) this one also has WangXian being great parents, but it's not the main plot of the story.

my little love by mellowflicker (T, 54k, WangXian, Modern AU, Single Parent WWX, kindergarten teacher!lwj, Kid Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Pining)

box your errors by mellowflicker (T, 42k, WangXian, Modern AU, single dad lwj, Domestic Fluff, Family Issues, Slow Burn, Kid Fic, let lwj have friends agenda, Hurt/Comfort, Pining)

❤️ Seen and not heard by eatmyass (E, 51k, wangxian, case fic, no sunshot, kid fic, dadxian, strangers to lovers, found family, LWJ pov, pining, fake/pretend relationship, first time, falling in love)

❤️ Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste for williedustice (T, 36k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, Adoption, Family Fluff, Kid fic, Family drama, Fluff, [PODFIC] Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste by lunatique)

~*~

14. thanks for your hard work admins! itmf darkji fics :) once again, ty!!

~*~

15. Can you please give me all the Fic Recs you can find on A) WWX getting his body back? Post canon. I’m struggling to find them. And also B) post canon reconciliation docs with JC and Jin ling, and/or C) post canon fica where wwx night hunts and gets injured, and nearly dies? And worries everyone. Please and thank you. @/the-daydreamer

15A)

Touch That Body, (It's Not Mine) by brrrrrRawr (T, 3k, WangXian, WWX in WWX's original body, Fluff, Pet Names, Blushing, No Smut, Genius WWX, yunmeng bros reconciliation, endgame lotus pier, big bro wwx rights, also dad wwx rights, BAMF WWX, Bad Writing, Body Dysphoria, So OOC)

15B)

Rotten Work by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 63k, WangXian, WWX & JL, Post-Canon, Protective WWX, Protective JL, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, Reluctant Matchmaker JL, [PODFIC] Rotten Work by sakizar) qualifies for both 15B and 15C

Twelve Moons and a Fortnight by stiltonbasket (M, 290k, WangXian, Humor, Slow Burn, Post-Canon Fix-It, Long-Distance Relationship, Epistolary, Love Letters, Family Feels, a-qing lives, teenage romance, Adoption, Romantic Comedy, Happy Ending, Weddings, Case Fic, Parenthood, Politics) this fic works for both b and c I think

Imprints by Lisa_Telramor (G, 47k, WangXian, accidental puppy adoption, Humor, Panic Attacks, phobia recovery, Post-Canon, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Poor Life Choices, Self-Acceptance, Developing Relationship, fluff with a side of anxiety lol, WWX adopts a puppy, Dogs)

other side of paradise by blueseam (T, 12k, JC & WWX & JL, Post-Canon, Platonic hair-washing, excessive amounts of communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort)

singing through the dark by twigofwillow (G, 13k, JL & WWX, WangXian, Post-Canon, Yunmeng bros reconciliation if you squint, angst with a tiny bit of fluff)

everyone else is spring bound by Lise (T, 18k, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Post-Finale, Dysfunctional Family, Family Bonding, Minor WangXian, Yunmeng bros Reconciliation, JC Needs a Hug, POV JC, Family Feels, Light Angst, Reconciliation, Awkward Conversations)

some good mistakes by Lise (T, 18k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Road trips, rescue Missions, Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Conversations, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, [Podfic] some good mistakes by kisahawklin )

an aging wound by Lise (G, 7k, JC & WWX, POV WWX, Post-Canon, Yunmeng bros Reconciliation, Awkward Conversations, Light Angst, but mostly just the awkward conversations, Dysfunctional Family, Post-The Untamed (TV), Twin Prides of Yúnmèng Dynamics, Twin Prides of Yúnmèng Feels)

With Absolute Splendor by Lise (T, 43k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Wedding planning, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, Complicated Relationships, Angst with a happy ending, [Podfic] With Absolute Splendor by kisahawklin, [PODFIC] With Absolute Splendor by Gwogobo)

Jiang Cheng goes Traveling Series by gbuzy12 (G, 11k, JC & LWJ, JC & WWX, Light Angst Post-Canon, yunmeng bros reconciliation)

Reeds in the Wind by merakily (T, 26k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Yunmeng bros Reconciliation, Rabbit Therapy, Sewing Therapy, PTSD, Emotional Baggage, Hurt/Comfort, JC is Bad at Feelings, JC Needs a Hug) 15C)

let the yoke fall from our shoulders by occultings (microcomets) (G, 2k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Character Study, Mentions of Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Gūsū Lán Juniors Dynamics, Happy Ending, Family Feels, Established Relationship)

~*~

16. Any fanfiction about the xicheng ship.

Audience of One by WinterDreams (T, 181k, XiCheng, WangXian, XuanLi, Modern AU, Celebrities, Inspired by 10 Things I Hate About You (1999), Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Singer LXC, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Slow Burn, Family Feels, Family Bonding, past emotional abuse, Post-Betrayal, Venerated Triad Feels, Yunmeng Duo Feels, Nightmares, Fluff and Angst, Babysitter Ā-Qìng, Domestic Fluff, SongXiao mentioned relationship, Soft XiCheng, Eventual Happy Ending, implied MingYao)

~*~

17. pls rec some post canon fluff :)

with such a suffering, such a deadly life by cqlorphan (T, 7k, wangxian, post-canon, curses, curse breaking, getting together, angst w/ happy ending, fluff, hurt/comfort, affection, touch-starved LWJ, LWJ whump, cuddling & snuggling, love confessions)

Continuation by thefaceofno (T, 13k, WangXian, Canon Continuation, wwx builds a lotus pond in cloud recesses, Hair Brushing, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, Pining, gay disaster lwj, Post-Canon Fix-It)

Deeper grows my longing by feyburner (T, 4k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Getting Together, First Kiss, Deeper grows my longing [podfic] by someplacelikebolivia)

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

#wangxian #mdzs #wangxian fic recs #i'm in the mood for a fic #the untamed #wangxian fic search #wangxianficfinder #long post

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crooked-wasteland · 5 months

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An SA Survivor's Reading of Stolitz

I don't believe that creators should be confined to telling one type of story. The beauty of fiction is to explore worlds, emotions and scenarios that are by definition unreal. It gives a safe space to interact with extremes that we would never necessarily wish to experience in our real lives with the ultimate safeword of no longer engaging with the material.

That being said, as creators, there is an ethical awareness that must be maintained in order to tell stories of things like trauma and abuse. Being alone in a cabin in the woods with a killer, that scenario is not a pervasive subculture in our society. Whereas cases of child abuse, sexual and domestic abuse are not only real, but common. And the complexities of psychological damage that perseveres long after the traumatic events are necessary aspects to telling these stories.

If you are not consciously aware and attentive to the lasting impact these events have, you run up against the horrific possibility of retraumatizing an individual unprepared for the callous invalidation of their experience.

No one should ever be shamed for engaging with media that depicts trauma they themselves may have experienced. For many, engaging in the fiction of it is a way of processing and validating their experience. Frankly saying, if you wish to write about trauma at all, you should be writing for that audience in specific. Otherwise you are simply exploiting the horrors that real people live through and struggle with every day for some cheap drama at the risk of triggering someone whose story you are inadvertently telling.

And much like most therapy speak, the term Triggered has become appropriated and misused to the point of losing all meaning in the lexicon. According to the University of North Carolina, "A trigger is a stimulus that elicits a reaction. In the context of mental illness, "trigger" is often used to mean something that brings on or worsens symptoms. This often happens to people with a history of trauma or who are recovering from mental illness, self-harm, addiction, and/or eating disorders."

The university breaks down the types of triggers as well and gives examples as to what those subcategories mean. I highly recommend that even if you are not the sort to follow up on references, I do recommend going over the article. It offers coping suggestions as well for those who are at risk of becoming triggered and helps refocus the sense of control back to the individual.

With that said, this is where I came across the inspiration for this essay. I completely removed all information for this user because the last thing someone needs when expressing how the misappropriation of abuse triggers them is how it is their fault for being triggered. These are the original tweets this response was in reference to.

As such, I feel the empathetic need to write this essay as a sympathetic reading to this person and others who have experienced SA who find that Stolitz resonates in an undesirable and even harmful way. I think this person deserves to feel seen.

To make the argument that the relationship between Stolas and Blitz isn't fundamentally abusive requires an author-intent reading of the series. It necessitates massive leaps to fill in gaping plot holes that never clarify the story Medrano is intending to tell. This is plainly just a reading of the series as is with all the context that has been physically, actually, shown in the series and that alone.

Throughout the series, Blitz is depicted as emotionally volatile and unpredictable with low self-esteem and crippling loneliness. He is constantly hounding his employees through sexual harassment from a sense of envy over their loving relationship, and infantalizes his twenty-two year old adopted daughter through an abusive dynamic where she ranges from rude to outrightly cruel while he consistently sacrifices any personal boundaries and self-respect.

The relationship between Loona and Blitz in specific feels like a masochistic self-hatred on Blitz's part where he allows himself to be used and abused by a parasitic family member to feel wanted, showing a pure desperation to be desired by someone in any way. Loona is verbally and physically abusive to her adopted father, using terms of endearment like "Dad" as a tactic to control Blitz's behavior, rewarding him when he does something for her benefit and taking it away when she deems him embarrassing or unwanted.

Blitz's tie to Stolas in the main story comes when he is called in a vulnerable time. Hiding from Martha who is hunting him down, he explicitly tells Stolas that now is not a good time to call. Stolas, who has a visual of Blitz's situation, ignores all of it. He is unconcerned about the danger Blitz is in, instead viewing Blitz solely as a sexual object as he offers the trade of the book for sex.

Stolas is more keenly aware of Blitz's situation than even Blitz is aware of. He not only is told that the current moment is not a good time, and Blitz's tense tone portrays a sense of anxiety, but he can physically see Blitz. It exists entirely within reason that he chose this specific moment to call while he knew Blitz was in a difficult position, using the tension to leverage a quick response that would get Stolas his way without needing to intimidate Blitz himself. Using the threat of a third party to pressure compliance from Blitz.

Come Loo Loo Land, the interactions between Blitz and Stolas are simply outright hostile. Blitz actively does not want to have a sexual encounter with Stolas and is even so untrusting of the Goetia that he is repeatedly asserting the boundary that he is not at all interested in sex, which Stolas explicitly mocks by being openly sexually suggestive to him. Everything Stolas has to say to Blitz is steeped in objectified sexuality as Blitz asserts his person, dehumanizing him to the point that Blitz is first and foremost an object of gratification. Even to the point of neglecting and humiliating his daughter, Stolas uses the excuse of spending time with her as a means of leering on Blitz.

In this episode we see Blitz has a history of being overlooked and unappreciated. His act in Loo Loo Land went nowhere and we see the first hints of his failed performance career. Over the course of the series, this hint towards a crippling lack of self esteem masked by an extroverted exterior is reinforced.

In Harvest Moon, Blitz is genuinely flustered when given recognition by Striker. He is quick to devalue his relationship with Stolas because there genuinely isn't a relationship at this point.

After having gone missing for two episodes, Stolas returns, being slightly less sexual and slightly more affectionate. It is a sudden recharacterization, but it is only for this scene. The rest of the episode once again shows how Stolas values Blitz physically in a sexualized manner and claims Blitz through the use of a pet name he repeatedly requests not to be called. In the opening scene, Blitz vocalizes that he "doesn't mind" their arrangement for the book, which could be taken at face value in regards to the first season. He does have the option to reject the agreement at any time and return the book in the context of this episode. It's why, despite still being an abuse of power dynamics overall, the relationship itself doesn't tip over into abuse. Blitz has the same amount of autonomy as Stolas at this time, before the context of season two, he has just as much power to end the agreement.

With the addition of The Circus, this retroactively is a situation of placating one's abuser. Blitz assuring Stolas that he doesn't mind the sex would be a way of asserting Stolas' complete control over the relationship and that Blitz isn't necessarily threatening the status quo by his question.

They don't actually know anything about each other, they aren't friends and don't spend time together outside of their forced meetings. Blitz doesn't know anything about Stolas and questioning the need Stolas has for his book could very well be read as a means of interrogating the agreement as a whole and figuring out why this was the arrangement.

(The argument that Blitz had any opportunity to negotiate things comes from an audience bias. It is probably the dumbest thing I have ever seen put into writing. Blitz doesn't know that he has any leverage in the relationship at all. He doesn't actually know Stolas has any feelings for him. That's kind of the whole point of the hot and cold romance slant that Medrano is trying to replicate.)

This is because the book is not the reason the relationship exists.

Blitz does not instigate sexual conduct, Stolas does by leading Blitz into a private room and locking them both inside with the impression Blitz would have sex with him. Blitz has no choice in the location or the isolation. He was caught trying to illegally break into the home for the explicit purpose of stealing the book. He was caught and is effectively at Stolas' mercy in every sense of the word. Not only is he still alive due to Stolas' whimsy, but if he tries to escape now after being shown this grace he could risk having the guards hunt him down and the second time will most likely not be so kind.

He literally does not know Stolas. They met for a day as a playdate and Blitz spent the whole time manipulating Stolas into facilitating his own robbery. There is no trust between them, there isn't even a relationship. While the doe-eyed pink vignette animated around Blitz shows that Stolas has an attraction to him, Blitz is entirely in the dark about this. Stolas' behavior is merely unpredictable and precarious from his position and limited knowledge.

(Just a side note, the argument that because someone decides to do something must mean they are not afraid is just asinine. Generally speaking, most people who commit crimes are in a state of fight or flight, it is more akin to gambling your actual life. Its a rewards and risks assessment, not a case of being sociopathically unafraid.)

It isn't until Stolas dramatically announces his desire for sex that Blitz realizes he has something that can be used to distract the Prince while he steals the book. And that's the issue with the argument that Blitz is the one willingly escalating the situation: it's not sincere. Throughout the entire sequence, Blitz isn't once sincerely interested in Stolas. He leans into the pretense to gain control of the situation, of which, might I remind you, he has had zero control over up to this point. Not only is he not interested in Stolas, but this is a bid for control from the position of helplessness. This way he is not relying on Stolas' unpredictable behavior, he is reclaiming power in the dynamic by playing into Stolas' desire.

("But Stolas says nevermind and Blitz keeps going!!"

Yeah, because he needs to maintain control of the situation. This is what power dynamics actually look like; there is a two-way push and pull. The only way he has any power is through the lens of sexuality. He needs to keep Stolas interested in him to keep his position. But throughout the scene, he is explicitly depicted as being put off by Stolas. In fact the entire reason he ties Stolas up is because he was becoming too into the act. He is shown to not be sensually performing bondage, he is trying to remove a problem.

And side-side note, I know I said I wouldn't lean into Medrano's intention or explicit dictation on how she demands her show be interpreted, but she was the one who said that The Circus and Loo Loo Land are connected in the timeline and Blitz's hostility in Loo Loo Land reads far more like a man who feels used and taken advantage of. So even the argument that Blitz was an enthusiastic participant is disproven by Medrano's own metacommentary and character interactions.)

And ultimately, it all boils down to that last moment scene. Between willingly having sex with Stolas when he is tied up or the book, Blitz makes for the door to leave. He doesn’t willingly engage in sex with Stolas. Either you can read the scene as a form of pity sex, which in the context of Medrano’s timeline and Loo Loo Land, shows Blitz was not enamored with the encounter or you have to read this as being manipulatively pressured into it. There is no way to argue Blitz has any leverage in the situation and no grounds to argue that it was mutually enjoyed.

That doesn’t even start to cover the fact that all the way to Ozzie’s, Blitz is repulsed by Stolas. When calling, he openly shows that this is something he would rather not be doing. He doesn’t have feelings for Stolas and despite just using the man who is using him, just having to deal with Stolas is distressing for him.

This is not an equal or fair relationship dynamic. It is not a mutual relationship. This is a relationship of self-preservation and coercion. And the fact is, it could have worked with very small changes to The Circus. Having the dynamic be actually mutual would have been a great start, but just properly addressing the actual dynamic and having Stolas take ownership of what he's done, and validating the fact that coercion is sexual abuse. Because out of all the sweeping changes, retcons and inconsistencies, the one aspect that has persevered throughout the show is just how trapped Blitz feels.

In Truth Seekers, Blitz’s hallucination is contradictory in its attempt to be visceral, and that is not inherently a problem. Trying to be abstract, it is normal for people to experience contradictory emotions over something. It makes sense in that way, but it needs reinforcement in the expanded narrative to tell it's story. As such I am just going to give my reading on the sequence based on my narrative and state it as fact.

The clown costume shows that Blitz sees himself as a joke, feeding into his low self-worth that no matter what he does, he is always the clown being laughed at. The murky wasteland is a reflection of his life. Devoid of anything bright or good, it is populated by dead trees and the ground is a quicksand like sludge, showing how he devours the good and extinguishes it in his own life. He kills his own happiness. Moxxie exists as a critical voice Blitz hears, telling him how stupid and awful he is to everyone around him. Blitz rejects his own self-criticism, reaffirming his self destructive victim mentality that appears when faced with the consequences of his own actions.

It's when the characters of Fizzarolli, Verosika and Striker appear that Blitz gives his regrets, insecurities and resentments voice, poorly impersonating the voices of those who saw the real him. Striker mocking Blitz’s need for companionship, how he lies to himself constantly and presents himself as independent and assured when really he sees himself as needy and pathetic.

Fizzarolli adds to it, pointing out Blitz’s failures to make it on his own, however this portion of the series should probably be considered non-canon as the newest episodes established that Fizzarolli and Blitz have not had any contact with each other since the accident. The more important line Fizzarolli says “You're going to die alone”, have been written out of the show. There would have been no time or place for Fizz to have ever spoken this to Blitz.

Then there is Verosika, who brings up Blitz’s self destructive tendencies, showing Blitz’s own abusive behaviors towards characters like Moxxie. It also suggests an explanation to why Blitz tolerates Loona, because her constant rejection of him contradicts his reactionary need to push others away, as well as feeds his self-flagillation.

It is when he endeavors to flee the reflections of the worst parts of himself that he runs into Stolas. Perched atop a pristine staircase of gold, being fanned by two silhouettes of Blitz. This shows the power imbalance in every way. Blitz doesn't even walk up the stairs, but crawls. Himself just a faceless accessory to Stolas’ desires, but everything he has intrinsically tied to the power Stolas' exerts over him. This is shown explicitly by the chains around his hands and neck, Stolas' reeling him in as he bears a grimace of reluctance. It is the most explicit representation of being trapped between two bad decisions. Either he is just the joke, the failure, the asshole, the stupid piece of shit, or he is the pet, the object, the toy. Stolas mentioning Blitz being "afraid to love" is less a suggestion that Blitz has any feelings for Stolas, but instead his psyche convincing himself that the relationship is not so exploitive. That he is not being dehumanized and abused, but on some messed up level he is being wanted and desired, which is better than the wastes below.

Maybe one could say that Blitz is being elevated out of his situation for how the feathers removed the costume and sludge, essentially wiping him clean of his worst self, providing a sense of safety. But he only has this opportunity because of Stolas, and it isn't free as shown by the feathers also becoming the chains binding him. Because at the end of the day, Stolas isn't the prize at the end of the climb to self actualization, the stairs belonged to him in the first place. To escape the horror-filled wasteland below, Blitz has to play by the rules of the owner of the stairs.

And ultimately, that isn't a story that is off-limits.

The Stolas apologist argument is why the depiction of this dynamic is triggering and harmful, not the fact that it exists in the media. Just owning the scenario and having Stolas acknowledge that he has sexually abused Blitz would have gone a long way. Instead, Medrano and the fandom have insistently represented this victim-blaming interpretation where Blitz is responsible for his own abuse. And that will never be okay. This goes all the way back to my "Not All Victims are Survivors" post. Blitz is the victim in this and his bad behaviour and own abusive actions directly correspond to the fact that he is a victim with a victim mindset. He actively lives in the middle of his abuse and has formed maladaptive strategies through manipulation, harassment, verbal abuse, and self harm. These do not remove his victim status. There is no such thing as a "Perfect Victim". And he should not have to be any sort of way in order to have that experience validated. And the issue that is at the heart of this show is that the narrative and the fanbase require a victim to be framed as delicate and hapless to circumstance with a soft and gentle personality to be a victim. To come out of abuse aggressive and harsh with sharp edges is framed as being less valid. But this outcome is normal and it's a difficult battle to work on oneself to feel safe again. It's absolutely a story worth telling.

But you first have to be interested in telling a story.

#helluva boss critique #helluva boss critical #helluva boss criticism #vivziepop critical #spindlehorse critical #spindlehorse criticism #vivziepop criticism #tw self destructive behavior #tw sexulization #tw sa

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electricbloodflow · 6 months

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dissociative experiences scale 2

The DES is such a fun diagnostic tool. I've had a couple of therapists and psychiatrists administer it to me. It's an empirically tested scale that gets a feel for tbe magnitude of a person's dissociation.

I score differently depending on alter (they reason what each question means and how frequently it occurs differently) but usually score in the 45 to 65 range. When I was younger my scores were generally in the 60 to 80 range. Progress!?

I used to score high on questions like dissociating so hard you literally see yourself in the third person and you are approached by people you don't recognize who know you, but I very rarely experience that anymore. I keep forgetting about the experience of seeing myself in the third person during dissociative episodes - that was such a severe symptom that I used to occasionally experience.

For anyone interested in taking it, you can take it here. Today, I obtained a 66. I have been unusually stressed lately.

The website has some interesting information on here. In studies, certain mental illnesses were associated with certain scores.

>!Dissociative Experiences Scale Scores

Explained High and Low DES Scores

High levels of dissociation are indicated by scores of 30 or more, scores under 30 indicate low levels. Successful treatment of a dissociative disorder should reduce the DES score when compared to the result before treatment began. Very high scores do not necessarily mean a more severe dissociative disorder is present, this is because the scale measures both normal and pathological dissociation.

Dissociative Identity Disorder and the DES

Only 1% of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have been found to have a DES score below 30. A very high number of people who score above 30 have been shown to have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder or a dissociative disorder other than Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Clinical Uses of the Dissociative Experiences Scale

If a person scores in the high range (above 30) then the DES questions can be used as the basis for a clinical interview, with the clinician asking the client to describe examples of the experiences they have had for any questions about experiences which occur 20% of the time or more. Alternatively, the Dissociative Disorders Interview Schedule (DDIS) or Structured Clinical Interview for Dissociative Disorders (SCID-D) can be used to reach a diagnosis.

Average DES Scores in research:

General Adult Population 5.4

Anxiety Disorders 7.0

Affective Disorders 9.35

Eating Disorders 15.8

Late Adolescence 16.6

Schizophrenia 15.4

Borderline Personality Disorder 19.2

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder 31

Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified 36

Dissociative Identity Disorder (MPD) 48!<

#complex dissociative disorder #c did #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #highly complex did #polyfragmented #mental health #did osdd #dissociation #dissociative system #other specified dissociative disorder #complex ptsd #ptsd #actually plural #actually ptsd #actually traumagenic #traumagenic system

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redcoralpot · 7 months

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Smudged (3) Rodrick Heffley X M! Reader

Anddd it's here!

Warnings: Mentioned eating disorder otherwise not specified.

Summary: You were busy enough in life, too busy for what school planned to throw at you; at everyone. A boy you know well seemed to come up with an idea to manage that.

Word Count: 2.7K

A white pillowcase smashed against a mess of blonde hair, “Get up.”

Heather’s eyes scrunched up, her first action of the day being to glare at you with an unreasonable amount of venom. The sky outside was just starting to shine through the blinds in her bedroom, clashing against the pink theme of it all. She was never quite the morning person, but frankly, waking her and Holly up was simply your duty; it has been since it was just the two of you.

“School’s been in for two weeks, you should be used to this by now,” you snickered, backing away from the bed.

“Get out of my room!”

That was the only warning you got before she initiated her revenge, sending the poor, soft pillow flying once again. You balanced onto your toes as you shut the door as quickly as you could; the only proof that the object hit the target was the loud thump on the thin wood, “Be careful not to mess up your precious cotton pillowcases!”

“They’re satin, you freak,” Heather yelled, echoing in the hallway you retreated down.

Holly’s room was the second farthest away from yours, only being beat by your parents’. The only thing that separated it from the rest of the house was a tie-dyed sheet; her choice, of course. With careful fingers, you peeked inside, seeing your little sister shifting and groaning in her blankets.

Softly, “It’s time to wake up, I got your favorite cereal downstairs.”

She shot up, staring at you with wide eyes, “Really?”

“Of course I did! Not a day goes by where I don’t spoil my favorite little sister, now does it?”

You disappeared back behind the sheets when she scrambled out of bed, eager to get dressed. The stairs groaned underneath your covered feet, almost as if they were as unenthusiastic about the day as you were. Both of your parents leave for work earlier than most now that Holly was old enough to be left alone with her older siblings, but because Heather rendered herself helpless in the morning, the role of caretaker was left to you.

All three of you have to leave for school at seven, so you wake your siblings up to greet the morning at six o’clock sharp, no more, no less. You as yourself get up an hour earlier in order to gather your own things, pack lunches, pack Holly’s bag, and have time for yourself. It was exhausting, always, but it was worth it to see the two of them shine.

The kitchen was adjacent to the dining room, with warm lighting to start the morning off in the right mood. You dug your fingers into the cardboard seal on the cereal before popping open the plastic bag inside, not bothering to use scissors. It never spilled everywhere, after all. As you heard Holly’s light footsteps swirling down the stairs, you shook a serving into a ceramic bowl, setting it beside a cup of milk on the usual table. Heather never ate breakfast, and no matter how hard you tried, she insisted that she needed to skip in order to keep up with her dream body. If you pushed it, she snapped.

When Holly finally appeared and slid into her seat, you sat in a chair beside her, “How’re classes going? I heard this is the year you finally start switching classrooms for periods.”

“They’re going good, I guess.” She sighed, pouring the milk into her breakfast, “My teacher for English already handed out the project prompts for this year, but I don’t wanna do it.”

“Wait, wait, what the hell? Already?”

“You haven’t gotten yours yet?”

“No, not in my school. Isn’t it against the rules to get a head start?”

“It was only a day before you, so I don’t think so,” she grumbled, mouth full.

“Well, it should be.”

“Nobody’s started working on it yet.”

You threw your hands up in the air, laughing, “Still!”

Over the oven, the clock blinked at you. You ruffled Holly’s hair, while she turned her head towards you, adorned with a milky mustache, “We have to get going soon, your stuff’s leaning on the door.”

She jumped out of her chair, running to the bottom of the stairs to call upwards, “Heather! We gotta go!”

“I just need five more minutes to finish getting ready,” Heather replied, half silenced by the sound of the bowls settling into the sink.

“Nuh-uh, we have to go now!”

Holly shuffled her shoes on, sitting down to tie them neatly. Your twin hurried down the stairs, squishing past the other girl on the way down, flipping her hair behind her back. She opened the door, and shivered as the early chill seeped into her bones. Heather grabbed her bag alongside Holly’s, practically throwing it in the car before placing her own down in the backseat. You double checked the oven, lights, and sinks, before shoving Holly out the door and locking it behind you. Heather called shotgun, therefore Holly had to squish herself in between everyone’s backpacks. The car started with a weak, stumbling roar, and you were on your way.

The world was only just starting to wake up in a blur outside the windows as the voice of a young woman sang throughout your vehicle, interrupted with the occasional tapping of Heather texting her friends. She never stopped keeping up with her social life, it seemed. However, while everyone else was lost in thought, one thing stuck in your mind.

“Hey, did you get your prompt?” you said, glancing at the girl beside you.

Heather did not even look up from her screen, “Duh. You haven’t?”

“Ugh.”

“So… that’s a no.”

As you pulled into the parking lot of the school, lined behind an endless row of cars, she smacked you in the arm, “Why are you in the drop-off line? I’m driving the girls to the mall after school today, I told you last night.”

“Okay, okay,” you hissed, turning the wheel, “you didn’t have to hit me!”

“Don’t get a spot too far from the school, either!”

Your car slowed to a stop and powered off, as you slipped the key out and handed it to Heather, “I’ll kill you if you lose that– now both of you, shoo! Get out!”

Its doors were slammed shut, and it locked with a beep. You leaned against the hood of the vehicle, watching carefully as your two sisters entered the school. It was a plain-looking building, which the school pathetically attempted to fix with a few colorful flower bushes. The air around you was silent, as quiet as a parking lot could be, and you turned to walk the rest of the way to your school building. Yet, before you could step any farther, a white van screeched past. Deafening music screamed out; it was distorted from how roughly the driver was maneuvering potholes. Oh, how bad you felt for the passengers, did the driver even have a license? You shook your head, glad that you had the sense to keep an eye on your sisters.

The school you went to was not far away, simply a few buildings down the opposite side of the street. Due to their close proximity, they were always competing in everything; from student count, finances, even to awards. So much so that they had devised a competition to be held between the schools each year to contribute to the state curriculum. It was annual, of course, and every single one of the projects made would be showcased and judged based on a variety of categories. Whichever school gets on the podium the most, well, you get the point. That doesn’t mean it’s not a pain in the ass, however.

The day went quicker than usual, with you patiently awaiting the class of which you would get your prompt and category; English. You were set on it enough that even Daniel noticed, poking and picking at you the entire day, finding time to do it in the hallways when you did not have classes together. He reached his hand back towards you, fingers making a crude attempt at stealing your eraser.

You slapped it away as the bell rang, the seats in the classroom filled, “What’re you doing?”

“Lightening the mood, ever heard of it?” he whispered back, craning his neck to look at you.

Students around the two of you were passing papers back, the teacher’s eyes glaring holes into Daniel’s head. He squeaked, taking his prompt, and proceeded to throw the slip of paper behind him. It fluttered in the air, and came to a rest on the top of your nose. He earned two more holes being burned into him as it slid gracefully off of the tip. For revenge, you leaned forward, your hand hovering over a stray lock of Daniel’s hair. He had opened his own paper, shoulders scrunched, and you yanked the strand in favor of reading it.

He yelped while you raised an eyebrow, “Tree vandalism, huh?”

“What the fuck, dude,” More groans arose from the class around you, “what did I do?”

“You know what you did.”

“Ms. Kawiti already avenged you with whatever this is, please do tell me what tree vandalism is!” He rolled his eyes.

“Well, what’s the category?”

“Environmental Science– I hate that class, you don’t understand.”

You slouched against your desktop, “Loser. I bet they chose that on purpose.”

“If you’re so confident, why don’t you open yours?”

“I was getting to it!”

Daniel scooched his chair around, almost unheard in the chatter-filled room, when you thumbed the slip open. Percussion; musical. Ah, yes, now you could understand the reaction of everyone else. It felt like the administration grouped together all of the staff to give all of the students the worst prompts imaginable, even the janitor. Even God himself knows that the janitor hates them all, rightfully. Perhaps this was his plan to avenge himself and any of the past janitors as well, after a decade of working there. Perhaps you could plead for mercy, even as the class around you fell silent.

He squinted his eyes, attempting to read it upside down, “That isn’t too bad, unlike something someone got.”

“Since when can you read like that?”

“Since now,” Daniel said.

You scoffed, crumpling the paper and tossing it in your bag, “I don’t even know anything about percussion.”

“Well, the whole point is to research a topic, so,” he waved his own, “Google it, go to the library, pay the music teacher a visit for the first time this year. At least you get to have fun with yours!”

“Yeah, true, I won’t be stuck studying trees.” At that, Daniel stuck up his middle finger, scowling.

A singular finger tapped his shoulder, a ring adorning it. You hid a smile behind your hand as Daniel slowly turned, getting tenser with each second that passed. His eyes followed the figure upward, until they finally met her own. Ms. Kawiti, in all her glory, stood firm in front of his desk with pursed lips; an action that gave you a better look of the tattoo of which ran down the bottom of her lips to her chin.

“Class was dismissed five minutes ago, boys. And Mr. Ivanov, if I see that behavior in my classroom again, I won’t hesitate to give you detention.”

Daniel shrunk in his seat, “Yes, ma’am, understood.”

She strolled to the front of the classroom, and busied herself with a stack of papers. He wasted no time shoving his materials into his backpack, heaving it onto his shoulder, and most likely busting the door hinges with how fast he ran out. You allowed yourself to remove your hand from your mouth, snickering. As you got up to follow your friend, the teacher looked up from her papers with a certain twinkle in her eye.

“Remember that working with another student is prohibited; have a nice day.” As you slipped out of the classroom at last.

Daniel was waiting for you outside, and trailed behind you as you appeared. He grabbed a string on your bag, per usual, in order to not lose you in the waves of students crashing into the both of you. You pulled him along, leading him to the quickly emptying rows of lockers in the hallway. This is where the pressure on your backpack stopped, and Daniel slammed open his door. The lock holding yours open clicked under your fingers, allowing you to dump the contents of your bag inside while its pins shook.

He loudly asked, “Is it just me, or is she horribly strict?”

“Every teacher is strict to you, dude, you just hate school.” You hissed, “If anything, Ms. Kawiti is the least strict teacher that we’ve ever had.”

“She did let me off with a warning for flipping you off instead of detention.”

You smacked his back, “You’re one lucky man, Daniel. She won’t let you off that easily next time.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

He zipped up his bag, hitting you with it as he tugged it on. You made a face at him, only to see him smirking at you, before darting down the hall and towards the two large exit doors. Your jaw tightened, teeth grinding against one another. Even as you chased him from a distance, you could hear his cackles only getting louder as you started to close it, reaching out a hand to grab him by the collar. Daniel knew he couldn’t outrun you; he never once had beaten you in mandatory track practices in middle school, much less now. He lasted a grand total of thirty-two seconds before you seized him by the back of his neck, a mere foot from the doors.

“You lost.”

Daniel cursed, “I have a heavier bag than you, of course I did!”

“Excuses, excuses.” You flicked his nose before setting him on the ground outside of the building, joining him shortly. The last thing you wanted was to pay a visit to the principal’s office simply because a teacher saw you playing.

As you slid down the railing, accompanying the boy jumping down the stairs, he said, “Where’s your car? Aren’t you driving home today?”

“Nah, man. Heather wanted to take the girls and Holly out to the mall.”

“I could drive you home, if you want.”

You huffed, “No thanks, wouldn’t wanna be a bother.”

Daniel held his hands high in the air, backing away towards his car, “If you say so.”

“See you tomorrow, tell me how the research goes.”

“You better text me when you get home, don’t make me wait until math in the morning to see if you got kidnapped!” he yelled, slamming his door shut and peeking out the window.

Instead of answering, you stuck out your tongue at him as the engine roared. Really, you could have sworn he flipped you off again before pulling out of the lot, speeding off until you would be able to see him the next day. You chuckled, shifting the weight of your bag onto your other shoulder, starting onto your journey home. Heather and Holly should both be out of school by now, despite the fact that your school releases earlier than theirs, and should be on their way to the mall. You can’t steal the car back now, can you?

That is all you could think about as you crossed the street, running across the sections where cars were lined, peering at the entrance in hopes of seeing your siblings. Instead, you could only see a puff of brown hair hurtling towards you before a body hit you, an arm curling around your neck and spinning you around. You hurled over, trying to throw the person off of you, not wanting to take Daniel’s words seriously. A grunt and a smack rang out as he hit the floor; you stumbled a few steps back.

A cough, “What was that for?” Rodrick spluttered.

You exhaled in a hurry, “Oh my god, it’s you.”

“Of course it’s me, who else would it be?”

“A kidnapper,” you responded dumbly.

He rolled onto his hands and knees, shaking as he staggered onto his feet once again, “Damn, I just wanted to say hi.”

“What part of hi requires you to jump on me?”

“The friendly part, duh.”

You stayed silent, looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. He seemed to pick up on your mood, scratching the back of his neck, his voice still hoarse from the fall.

“I need you to do a favor for me.”

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