#if i have the desire the energy naturally flows. i know this of myself already. it’s effortless for me when there’s active desire.
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Creating a better manifestation process for yourself
Try not to over consume manifestation content.
I love a good confidence boost by watching a youtube video on manifestation motivation or binge watching a loa tiktok account but I found fairly early on that by doing so too often I started to get weighed down by it all to the point where my manifestation was the only thing on my mind. Of course it’s okay to think about your desire but I was doing so obsessively and trying to force movement in the 3d; when no movement occurred I’d just feel shit in myself but for whatever reason I found that by limiting the amount of loa content I engaged in, the less pressure I’d put on my myself and the more movement began to flow with ease into my reality 💗
Only do techniques, repeat affirmations, etc. when you want to, don’t force it and make it a chore, it’s supposed to be fun and easy!!
This one speaks for itself but I remember a month or two ago when I would overuse techniques and read over all my sets of affirmations so much to the point where I’d start putting it off and forcing myself to do them. If you want to take a few days off from techniques and such that’s absolutely okay! As I’ve already said, it should be fun and I found that forcing myself to do something definitely took all the positive emotion out of the process 💗
Find what feels most natural to you and stick with that.
Again, you want to avoid turning something that should be effortless and enjoyable into an inconvenience, and with so many people sharing their opinions on what they find works the best for them, it can be a little bit overwhelming. Make up your own techniques if that’s what works best for you, have fun with it 💗
You don’t have to listen to everything manifestation coaches and content creators say.
There’s a certain tiktok account (who I’ll refrain from naming and shaming for now) who claims that you can’t be in contact with your sp whilst manifesting them and other limiting shit like that… I won’t even comment on that one but just know that if you are in contact with your sp (as I have been for months now) it’s not stunting your progress and can definitely be viewed as a positive 💗
It’s called the law of assumption for a reason. The clue’s in the name; anything you decide will bring your desire to you WILL bring your desire to you so don’t get weighed down by all the limiting beliefs that are often thrown around and decide what works for you to apply to your own manifesting process 💗
Avoiding putting too much pressure on yourself.
Any circumstance can change overnight. Our realities are ever changing, nothing is permanent. Be gentle with yourself if you’re having an off day. Allow yourself breaks and remember that this process is as much about you and looking after yourself as it is getting your desire. What’s the point in achieving your manifestation if you felt like shit the entire time you were doing so? Protect your energy 💗
Divider credit: @firefly-graphics
#law of assumption#loa#specific person#sp law of assumption#sp loa#loa sp#law of assumption sp#manifestation#sp manifestation#manifesting sp#manifesting love#manifesting wealth#self love#self care
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Im richer than Bill Gates(chills). I'm relentlessly persistent in their imaginations(chills). My energy and Magic naturally exceeds it. My energy and Magic naturally transcends it. Everything's rigged to make me win. Even Laika's rigged to make me win. Even Emily's rigged to make me win. All of my desires flow in like milk and honey. They want to grab my tits while they ram inside of me. Their self concepts are rigged to make me win. Their within are rigged to make me win. Energy is rigged to make me win. I'm rigged to only need internal validation. My within is rigged to place only myself on the pedestal. Doesn't matter if I make "mistakes" cause it's then revised into my favor and into the way I meant it, it's rigged that way anyway. I'm the apex predator of being an insurmountable challenge. I never ooze "I'm losing." I tangibly ooze I'm undefeated. I tangibly ooze I'm monstrously succsssful. I tangibly ooze I'm already at the top(chills). I tangibly ooze I'm unsurpassable. I tangibly ooze colossal heavyweight. My within only gets more and more infinitely profoundly satisfying(chills). My life only gets more and more infinitely profoundly satisfying. My desires only flows in more and more infinitely like water(chills). Everything is profoundly in my favor(chills). I bulldozingly change my reality(chills). I'm rigged to think from my desired state. I'm rigged to not react to circumstances. I'm rigged to think from my desire. I'm rigged to not pay attention to my doubts or fears. I'm rigged to naturally be in the state of having it. Everything is first transmuted into tangible sex energy before I feel it. I am tangible sex energy(chills). I impress, wipe out and effectively intimidate powerful villains. I'm rigged to believe I'm a Zillionaire Superstar(chills). I'm rigged to be emotionally at ease. I'm rigged to be tangibly at ease. I'm rigged to be psychically at ease. I'm rigged to be spiritually at ease. I'm rigged to be emotionally at ease. I'm rigged to be mentally at ease. I'm rigged to be romantically at ease. I'm rigged to be sexually at ease. Everything I see is rigged to put me at ease. I step on the neck of the shit I see. I step on the neck of how what I see makes me feel. I'm rigged to feel physically at ease. I'm rigged to be financially at ease. I'm rigged to be visibly at ease. I'm rigged to be internally at ease. Every aspect of me is rigged to be at ease(chills). I'm rigged to have the fullest control over my destiny. I'm naturally loved right. I'm rigged to always feel powerful. I'm rigged to always feel in control. I'm rigged to be undefeated in absolutely all aspects. I'm rigged to be excruciatingly narcissistic. They know their time to secure me as their wife is running out(chills). They can listen to me talk for YEARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. My within also has ultraultraultraultraultraultraformidably strong ass boundaries. They know to be boldly upfront about their intentions with me. I'm naturally rigged to not allow them waste my time. My Magic and power is naturally rigged to not give power to anything that doesn't put me at ease. My Magic and power is rigged to ignore/invalidate all those that doesn't put me at ease. My Magic and power is rigged to ensure every energy in my vicinity puts me at ease. My emotions are rigged to put me at ease. My thoughts are rigged to put me at ease. Being on Forbes as the world's first Zillionaire feels like nothing. Being globally recognized as the world's first authentic and legit Zillionaire feels like nothing. My within feels so unsurpassably profound. I'm my own Godtier photographer. I'm rigged to treat myself like I'm Godtier. No one's energy can cause me insomnia. Apex predator(chills) apex predator (chills) sexy apex predator(chills) sexy apex predator(chills) sexy apex predator(chills) apex predator (chills). Sexy apex predator(chills). Nonpaid opportunities are rigged to not come into my vicinity. Highly paid opportunities are rigged to enter my vicinity. Highly paid opportunities are rigged to come directly to me.
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“He knows now he is what he is by virtue of the state of consciousness with which he is identified, and the choice is his to go back to the restrictions of his childhood when he believed the story or to continue in the freedom that he has found.
So you and I can be anything in this world we desire to be if we will clearly define our aim in life and constantly occupy that aim. It must be habitual.
So, the changing of the feeling of " I " is a selective thing because unnumbered states are infinite states, but the “I " is not the state. The "I " believes itself to be the state when it enters and fuses with it, so he was presented with a state and without the faculty of discrimination in his youth, he fused with the state and believed these restrictions were true, and it took him three years to disentangle the "I" from these fixed ideas with which he had lived for so many years. Now you may take only a moment or you, too, may take your three years. I can't tell you how long it's going to take you but I'll tell you this much. It can be measured by the feeling of naturalness. You can wear a feeling until it's natural. The moment the feeling becomes natural, it will begin to bear fruit within your world.
There isn't a thing to become; all things are taking place, so it is written in this manner, 'Thy will must be being done. Thy kingdom must be being restored." It is the only way you could express it if you would express the imperative passive mood. But from the Latin from which our translation was made there is no first aorist of the imperative passive mood. So we have it in the way we have it but it does not reveal the intent of the mysteries. If you will see all things are now, you don't become, you simply select the state that you would occupy. Occupying it you seem to become but it is already a fact, every aspect of that state in its most minute detail. It's worked out and taking place. You by occupying the state seem to go through the action of unfolding that state, but the state is completely finished and taking place. So now you can choose the being you want to be and by choosing a being other than what you are now expressing you start the change of the feeling of “I am.”
Now, how will I know that I have changed the feeling of "I ? By beginning first with an uncritical observation of my reactions to life and then noticing my reactions when I think I am identified with my choice. If I assume that I am the man that I want to be, let me observe my reactions. If they are as they were, I have not identified myself with my choice, for my reactions are automatic and so if I am changed I would automatically change my reactions to life. So the changing of the feeling of "T" results in a change of reaction, which change of reaction is a change of environment and behavior. But let me warn you now. A little alteration of mood is not a transformation; it's not a real change of consciousness. Because as I change my mood for the moment it can quickly and rapidly be I would say, replaced by another mood in the reverse direction. When I say that I was changed, as that gentleman changed his mood, his basic mood, his state of consciousness, it means that having assumed that I am (what the moment denied, what my reason denied,) that I remain in that state long enough to make that state stable. So that all of my energies are flowing from that state. I am no longer thinking of that state. I am thinking from that state. So that wherever a state grows so stable as to definitely expel all of its rivals, then that central, habitual state of consciousness from which I think defines my character and is really a true transformation or change of consciousness. Whenever I reach that state of stability, watch my world mold itself then in harmony with this inner change. And men will come into my world, people will come to aid and they will think they are initiating the urge to help. They are playing only their part. They must do what they do because I have done what I did. Having moved from one state into the other. I have altered my relationship relative to the world round about, and that changed relationship compels a change in behavior relative to my world. So they have to act differently toward me.”
- Neville Goddard
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I AM affirmations
Hello, petals! Below you will find affirmations for the I AM state. Take whichever works for you and make sure you have fun! Make sure you check out my affirmations tag and my pinned post for more.
Personality
I am lively. I bring the energy. I am the sunlight for people around me.
I am affectionate. I move with love with every breath.
I am charitable. My abundance overflows from me to others in every single way I can think of.
I am compassionate. I have understanding for everyone. All is me, and I am all.
I am confident. I am anchored in myself.
I am courageous. I am bold. I am brave. I act despite my fears.
I am dependable. I am honest. I am reliable. I am grounding.
I am generous. I have all that I need, want, and more to share. My riches are tripled with sharing.
I am harmonious. I'm in perfect harmony with those I choose to have in my life.
I am humble. I know myself and cherish my characteristics without having to boast or brag.
I am independent. I have all that I need within me. I never have to cling to anything or anyone.
I am modest. Free of pretension.
I am understanding. Being empathetic comes naturally to me.
I am radiant. I am nurturing and encouraging. I am helpful.
I am fearless. I am reckless. I am careless towards the wrong rules. I do what is right to me.
I am receiving. Knowing that I can do all that I desire on my own. My desires come to me as fulfilment without me lifting a finger. I receive simply by existing.
I am flowing. Knowing how to be stable, I choose to flow like water, keeping myself soft, therefore unbreakable.
I am optimistic. I know that what many call optimism is merely realism to me.
I am witty. I am humorous in my own intelligent way. I can get silly and funny.
Mind
I am adaptive. I can work in every situation with anyone. I easily fit in and belong everywhere I go.
I am assertive. I mean what I say in a confident, calm tone.
I am tactful. I can explain myself with kindness and politeness.
I am laid-back. Everything resolves itself with ease, without effort. I care for my peace.
I am ambitious. I do my best and let it go for it to resolve itself before my eyes.
I am balanced. I do nothing more or less than what the situation calls for.
I am curious. My childish wonder creates greater realities for me.
I am determined. I persist. I believe.
I am disciplined. I follow my own core values and responsibilities with ease.
I am initiative. I face life with curiosity and take the lead.
I am logical. I lead with reason and rationality of mind.
I am mindful. I am aware of the life around me and inside me.
I am methodical. I follow a collected approach to life.
I am open-minded. I am ready for the new experiences, new adventures, new points of view, and change.
I am pragmatic. I do things for a system for an objective.
I am wise. I can see beyond what only eyes can see, for myself and for others, too.
I am calm. I am proactive. I know all that happens is in my favour.
I am stoic. I can use my emotions for a deeper and logical understanding of myself.
I am flexible. I can be whatever is needed in the given situation. I am multi-talented.
I am self-reliant. I need only me, but I enjoy others around me.
Body
I am active. I am full of vitality. I am grateful for this healthy body.
I am strong. I can perform many physical skills. I have a great posture.
I am energetic. I sleep well and always feel well-rested. I am ready for new adventures every day.
I am content. With my sexuality or lack of it. I am open to new experiences and feel comfortable around my sexuality.
I am fit. I have great stamina and endurance. My body is exactly the way I desire it to be.
Soul
I am joy. I feel ecstatic while knowing all my desires were meant to be mine since I created them within me first. I am at utmost peace, knowing all that I desire is already mine, and I get to breathe.
I am free. From emotional, financial, social, cultural, sexual, and physical burdens. I am free of the pain and suffering from the unwanted. Now I choose my own battles as I am the creator.
I am creative. I create all that I see. I am limitless.
I am love. I am the embodiment of love as it overwhelms everything else within.
#law of assumption#loa#manifesting#manifestation#neville goddard#affirmations#positive#manifest#i am#law of attraction
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Attraction law! 07 infallible tips to apply.🚨💥 Learn How to Use the Law ...
Seven ways to use the law of attraction to manifest faster results: You can use the law of attraction to manifest faster results by following the steps below. 1- Be grateful now Gratitude can drastically change your life, but best of all, the law of attraction gives you more than you feel grateful and happy about. When you feel frustrated and discouraged, the law of attraction gives you more reasons to feel discouraged. You manifest more situations that make you feel unhappy. The universe gives us back more of what we emanate. 2 – It may seem that at first it doesn't make sense, when you learn about the law of attraction, talking about your desires as if they were already here, this is very real. In reality, all things have already been created. The moment a thought is conceived, you bring it into your reality. The more you talk about this thought, the stronger it becomes and the faster it enters your state of being. Think of a child who is anxious about what he wants. See how excited they are about this? They look for pictures about it, talk about what they will do when they get it. They don't care how or when it will happen, they just know and most of all, they are excited about it. Speak joyfully about what will happen in your life, as your words and thoughts on the matter fuel that creation and bring it to you more quickly. 3- Surround yourself with the things you want You may be wondering: How can I surround myself with the things I want if I don't have them? It may not be yours at the moment, but you can borrow it, you can visit it, above all you can place yourself in the environment and among people who are closely linked to what you want. The success of applying the law of attraction depends on you already being in the energy you want. It's up to you to create the state you want to attract, and you do this by being among the things you want until it is completely yours. The law of attraction will very easily give you what you put your focus on, whether you are talking about it or observing it. You get more from what surrounds you. 4- Learn to let go Let go of what you want. Yes, let it go. Know that you want to try something specific, but don't wait in fear of doubt. The more you cling to the feeling of need or desire, the more disastrous its manifestation will be. You will only feel more needy. Allow yourself to feel full and confident. Those who understand how the universe and the laws of attraction work easily understand the power of their intention and do not feel stressed or needy. They create and know that the law of attraction is working for them and what they create will soon manifest. They create, then let go and move into the state of reception. 5- Learn to receive To activate the law of attraction, you must move into the state of reception. This is something that most people cannot do. Many people say they want certain things, but few know how to receive what they ask for. Most people feel doubtful or unworthy about what they want. Deep down, they feel like they don't deserve or can't get what they're asking for. These small feelings of unworthiness are gigantic blocks in the manifestation process and can only serve to destroy what you hope to attract. The law of attraction is a science that takes you to the depths of your inner nature and allows you to see where you are feeling disconnected as a co-creator with God and the universe. Become worthy and allow yourself to receive. 6- Become worthy now Recognizing that you can manifest whatever you want because you are gods and goddesses and what you desire is just a small speck in the universe. You deserve to manifest what you want because when you are rich you positively influence the people around you. When you use the law of attraction to manifest a better life, you are in flow and in a better position to add value to the world. The faster you feel worthy of what you want to manifest, the faster it will happen. 7- Give what you want most You may not have all the money in the world for yourself, but you have something of value, and what is valuable to you may be in short supply for someone else. Give to others and you will be amazed and amazed at how quickly the law of attraction will manifest abundance in your life.
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Eating Disorder Recovery: The REAL Work
*In this article, I refer to restrictive eating disorders and share about my experience. I do not mention or write about binge eating disorder.
Years ago, when I was in the depths of anorexia, I thought if I just could eat freely and no longer had urges to exercise ‘till exhaustion my problems would be solved. I didn’t know at that time that this was just scratching the surface and that the true work will begin when the body and the eating habits are stabilized and normalized (i.e. no longer restricting or controlling intake or trying to manipulate the body).
I was wearing the same rose-colored glasses prior to developing the ED in the first place: thinking losing weight and changing my body would solve everything. Which then switched to: thinking restoring my health and normalizing my eating and exercise patterns would solve everything.
ꜰʀᴇᴇ workbook to help you to get out of the manifestation trap, to tap into your desires and embody them ʜᴇʀᴇ
My true journey started after that. The eating disorder opened the doorways to myself. To finally look deep inside, what’s truly going on inside the mystery of my being. To confront myself with my trauma, unprocessed pain, and emotions — all those things that kept the self-destructive behaviors in place.
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
After the first year in recovery (around the end of 2014), I discovered Yoga. I already practiced meditation, and Yoga showed me a different approach to movement. Of moving with my body instead of against it. I prefer using the word movement over exercise, the energy behind it is so different. Similiar to saying energy instead of calories.
After dipping my toes into my inner world, I realized that I was terrified of facing myself, that everything that I’m afraid of, that the conflicts I thought I had in the external world, the fears, the chaos, all of that was actually happening in my body. And guess what, in order to process and work through this, I had no other choice but to develop a deep relationship with my body and thus with my intuition.
You cannot live a heart-centered life without getting out of your head and facing your demons.
I had to learn (and still do) to observe my thoughts and emotions instead of identifying and believing in them. They come up to be released. The biggest challenge was to let the eating disorder identity die — what I was so afraid of. I built such a intimate relationship with my demon — the ED that I was scared as shit about losing.
“Who am I without the ED?” It gave me a false sense of safety and comfort, the place I could always return to. The perfect distraction from my “real” issues.
Anyway, over the years I discovered spirituality, tools like shadow integration, nervous system regulation and plant medicine.
Mother Ayahuasca taught me that only thanks to my body I’m able to live this human experience. Iboga showed me next-level grounding and how it truly feels like to be in my body.
Fast forward, no matter where you are in your life, you have to face and embrace yourself, especially these parts you tend to disown and feel ashamed of. There is no escape. And no matter how uncomfortable and chaotic it might be, it will become easier with time, and you will discover gems, hidden treasures inside of yourself, and most of all, you’ll find the greatest treasure — your true Self. Your true nature.
For me, life is no longer about striving to look a certain way or to measure my worth based on accomplishments and productivity (which is tbh still a practice and like a workout in the cosmic gym — to train my mental and spiritual muscles). It is about returning back to nature, to live and flow like it which is lifelong practice, a way of living. Because the most of us grew up relying purely on our logical minds, disconnecting from Mother Earth, and thus didn’t learn to listen to our intuition and to work with our bodies.
Our bodies hold so much wisdom and are, at least in my opinion here to navigate us through life and our minds are powerful tools for our imagination.
As human beings, we are part of nature and meant to function like it as well which means non-linear is the new linear, and slow is the new fast. Living from the inside out instead of living from the outside in.
#ig: @gardenofnea / @gimmeabreak.podcast#ed recovery#ed warrior#eating disorders#body image healing#body shame#food freedom#anti diet#diet culture dropout#radical self love#mental health#mental health blog#self harm#loa#spiritual awakening#mindfulness#yoga#plant medicine#ayahuasca#iboga#psilocybin#shrooms#essstörung#selbstliebestärken#自己愛#자기애
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People tell me my desire to be alone is because I think I am unlovable or something, and that I put myself to a standard where I believe I don’t deserve friendship or intimacy or community until I prove myself worthy, which is a fair psychological assessment, but my desire to be alone and by myself is entirely separate from that. I desire loneliness and quiet because I grew up in a household of 5-6 to sometimes 7 people, (you know, roommates, friends, siblings, the one person who died leaving a permanent hole in our family) not including pets, majority of the time living in a 15x15 foot space, (that’s about just under 5 meters by 5 meters for you metric fellows), have never had my own room since I was 3, in account of The Second Child, and function at my most optimal when I’m given space and quiet, but no matter how quiet or attentive anyone is (if they even try to be, which most people don’t surprisingly) their quiet presence will never match the clarity of no presence at all, and also I’ve been several people’s assistant and caretaker and more, and I am just sick of adjusting to other people after doing nothing but adjusting to other people’s needs and having hardly any of my own taken care.
That, and because I am naturally inclined to help, I need to be separated from everyone else, because I’ll put off brushing my own damn teeth to help people! I’ve collapsed and fainted helping people, and what do I do after regaining consciousness again? Go right back to helping people like some, helper, person, totally disregarding all aches and pains. Admirable sure, but unnecessary. Nuisances are putting it lightly, people are hindrances, and I cannot perform at the base level with people involved, and until I can achieve baseline optimization in my life, people will only lead to further delay and stagnation. It’s why I’m so pissed I had to leave my woods and go into this stupid “low cost” (low cost for the people who own and maintain these places sure) urban area, the influence of people is felt everywhere and to be honest if I was a mystic nut (in a different way than I already am) I’d say the overwhelming energy of society, dozens and dozens of people all around moving and activating and flowing, is interrupting my personal flow, which is attuned to nature and trees and wind and not industrial, society, or industrial society. How am I supposed to get anything done with electricity in the walls and people moving downstairs and cars?! Cars!
Forest Hermit 4 Life. I may also just be autistic.
I have to admit though, running water is a bonus, but I think I could’ve gotten that without having to be a Land Surf for a Landlord. Don’t even get me started on the airflow, which this place has none! And there’s no window in the bathroom! That’s just disgusting! Locking someone in a box with hot water and excrement! And the thermostat won’t even go below 60 degrees Fahrenheit I hate it here oh god! And these atrocious white walls! I used to have walls made of tapestries! Talk about a downgrade. Sure they have insulation, but at what cost? Not worth the monthly I’d say.
#hexacles.txt#pentacles talks#it’s pronounced pen tuh cleese#complaining#i honestly hate complaining#one of the few things i genuinely hate and here i am doing it when i could be enjoying so much…#venting#too i guess…#that’s the last thing i wanted to ever be doing!#toxic positivity much?#overly self aware of my narrative and arc with little to no control over it much?#i am suffering from the mental realm :D
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just the good parts [4/4]
back at it, one mo' gin for the finale!
here's the latest part, for those that missed it.
the following part includes: vulgar language and mild smut.
word count: ~3k
featured song:
We were home. Her home. But with a spirit that already felt familiar and a color scheme that spoke to her spunky nature, the home felt like it was somehow mine too. Maybe it was her warmth crowding the space that made it feel that way. Maybe I was just trippin’.
I didn’t mind either way as our hands spilled into each other and our fingertips skated over lifelines.
Alcohol was flowing, only a singular glass for us both but enough to continue unwinding in the space.
All the while, the space between us shrunk while her flirting shifted from coy admissions of my attractiveness to unapologetic suggestions of carnality.
But yearnings of the flesh would have to wait. There was something more pressing: a chill of concern that would come and go more than the wind.
And it wouldn’t be until this concern was soothed that I would lay myself down alongside her desires.
“What’s the real reason you were crying earlier?”
She smiled timidly, “How long has that been swirling around in your head?”
I shrugged, “Since you showed me that little bit of depth.”
“I’m trying to show you a different kind of depth, but you’re so concerned with hosting a therapy session that you’re missing all my alley-oops,” she was deflecting again, giggling into her cup before taking another sip.
“You must be scared,” I cracked a smile, leaning back into the plush cushioning of her sofa.
“What do I have to be scared of?”
“Scared that I’ll figure out that we’re more alike than you led me to believe.”
“More alike in what way?”
“More alike in that you don’t do the superficial shit either.”
She watched me watch her, switching which leg would dangle over the other.
“You think all of this is just a façade?”
“Most of it, yeah,” I affirmed with a nod.
“And why would I feel the need to pretend with you, doppelgänger?”
“I really don’t think that’s how that works,” I scoffed, feeling as though I finally had to say it.
She kissed her teeth in irritation, “You‘re my name doppelgänger. Not my body one, smart ass.”
A smirk slid onto my face just before I sipped from my own glass of alcohol.
“Like I was saying— what I gotta pretend for?” she redirected the conversation.
“You tell me… I could guess all day, but I’m trusting you to be real with me.”
“Trust,” she gave a bitter “ha!”
“Respectfully, Dy, I’ve been trusting you all night. The least you could do is lay my only concern to rest.”
She knew I’d made a point, pausing to dig up some truth before acquiescing to my request, “Fine.”
She took the rest of her drink to the head before beginning. “We were talking about… parents, right?”
My nod was enough of an answer.
She continued, “And you said that thinking that they’re doing what’s best for me probably makes them happy, and… I just… that sounds like hell!”
“What’chu mean?” my brow furrowed.
“Suffering through something so unworthy of your energy in the name of ‘doing what’s best.’ I don’t want that for them. I don’t want to be the root of that,” she shook her head.
“Who’s to say you are? No one knows why parents do what they do. Something in their parent brain just clicks, and even the things that make no sense work for them. That’s not for you to try to figure out,” I shrugged.
She sighed while uncrossing her legs. “i just want everyone in my life to be happy— the real kind— whatever that looks like.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Dy. Really,” I assured her before placing my glass next to her empty one, on the coffee table.
I glanced at her while leaning back in my seat once again. I was met with an unconvinced expression. “Really!” I repeated with a slight smile.
“But…” she awaited a contrary statement.
I obliged. “But, they have to want to be happy too. They gotta choose that for themselves, ya know? Whatever that looks like.”
“I guess you’re right,” she mumbled with her head lolling against the back of the couch.
It was quiet for only a few moments. I mirrored her position, craning my neck backward as I slid comfortably in my seat.
“You ever think about whether or not you’ll be like your parents?” she prompted.
“I try not to,” I chuckled weakly as her head rolled to look at me.
I copied her actions yet again, spotting the tiniest smile coloring her lips.
Her voice, soft and sultry, carried a confession, “I think about it all the time.”
“So, do you think you’ll be like your parents?” i inquired.
“Just the good parts,” she turned her body toward me this time, bringing her legs up to sit side-saddle.
“I don’t think we can help which parts we get,” I said.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I mean… my dad is a guy that’s full of pride, and that pride’ll keep him from asking for help, when he needs it. Part of that is because of the whole ‘pull yourself up by the bootstraps’ thing, but sometimes I feel like… his unwillingness to show the vulnerability needed to reach out… is part of the reason my folks aren’t together now.”
whoa, that got real deep, real quick.
“What does that have to do with you?” she scoffed, probably feeling like I was getting us off-topic.
Her slight annoyance made me laugh a little. “I’m the same way sometimes.”
“If you wanna change that, you can,” she said.
“Yeah, but it takes a lot of work and awareness… and time,” I noted.
“Awareness, that’s the key. Of course, the work and the time are important too, duh, but just pointing out something that you no longer want to partake in is the first step,” she nodded.
I watched her sit up, her arm resting against the back of the couch now with her hand against her head.
“We keep the parts that we don’t have a problem with… and the parts we don’t want… we cut, we change. That’s the beauty of awareness and mindfulness— you pinpoint the ugly parts so you know what to change.”
“But, when you do somethin’ like that, wouldn’t you tend to, like, hyperfixate on it?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You know, like… whenever you catch yourself doing something ‘ugly,’ you would immediately go into a place of shame instead of allowing yourself to feel what’chu feel.”
She gestured me to continue.
“And with that shame could come guilt. That guilt could snowball into hate, and suddenly, everything you see in yourself is ugly… and you could either become someone that isn’t you at all or find yourself in a really dark place.”
“That’s an extreme case,” she answered.
“Yeah, but not impossible.”
“Well, of course, even too much of a good thing is bad. Everything should be done in moderation, especially since change isn’t an overnight thing.”
“But why change at all? I mean— don’t you want someone who loves you as you are, even the ugly parts?”
She pointed out my contradiction, “What do you mean ‘why change’? Didn’t you just imply that an unwillingness to change was why your folks aren’t together?”
“Just go with me here,” I disregarded her valid point to pursue this new pocket of our conversation. “You don’t want someone to love even your ugly parts?”
The smile that put a natural curl to her lips became more astounding as she reached for me. “You’re so cute,” it was with a brief giggle that she caressed my face.
I lifted my head, turning my body toward her a bit more as I searched her features for what was so funny.
“I don't yearn for the love of another— to be accepted and understood and all that other fairytale shit… I don't want to change or not change for anyone but me… Change is my gateway to happiness... It’s how I'll be happy with myself.”
“But if you’re always looking for things to change, you’ll end up changing even the things you never found a problem with. It’ll just be a cycle.”
“Isn’t this all a cycle? This life... this search for self, for love, for whatever?”
“But if satisfaction is the end goal, you’ll never meet it. That could very well be a roadblock on your highway to happiness,” I countered.
“ ‘That’ being what?”
I clarified, “You never being satisfied, nothing ever being good enough.”
She stared at me for only a moment before glancing away with a scoff. “Never satisfied,” she whispered, almost as if she were in disbelief.
“Oh my god… I’m just like my mother,” her eyes grew wide before darting back at me.
She blinked as if I’d missed my cue to react.
“Is that a bad thing?” my face owned a smile although I was supposed to be fighting off a laugh.
“Uh, yes!” she shrieked.
The laugh I kept at bay suddenly rumbled out of me.
“I’m serious. She’s a lot,” she nodded with a chuckle.
“If you’re just like her, she can’t be too bad,” I insisted.
“To be fair, you don’t know me that well yet,” although she contrasted my sentiments, she’d started to blush.
I laughed. “I’m trying to get to know you, but you so busy adapting your parents’ greatest hits as your personality—”
She playfully shoved me, triggering more of my laughter.
“You think you’re funny, huh?” She grabbed a throw pillow from the opposite end of the couch and weaponized it against me.
I cackled while throwing up the only defenses I had, using my arms as some sort of shield. Her laughter mixed with mine as I finally gripped the fluffed material.
“Let it go!” she giggled.
“I’m not the one using decorative cushions as weapons!” I retorted, using her loss of momentum to close the space between us.
Her giggles prospered even as my abrupt jerk of a pull brought her body against mine. The pillow was the only thing keeping us apart as we continued tittering and grinning in each other’s faces like idiots.
She sat up, her hand propping up against my shoulder as we inhaled each other’s essence.
My palm found her face, and before I could even think of battling her gravitational lure, I finally acted upon the desire that pervaded my thoughts throughout the night.
Without restraint, I kissed her. And she helped in unfurling a spontaneously formed ball of euphoria.
Lust was a quickly built tower, waiting to be bulldozed by pleasure that would swoop in on the chain of a wrecking ball.
Right on her couch, we became a unit and worked together to bring some semblance of overnight change. Nothing that would make us better people though.
With the skirt of her dress pushed up, she mounted my peaks while I kissed her valleys.
Hunger ravished our intentions, an insatiable fervor burning hotter with every moment I was enveloped in her depth.
There are very few sensations that could top this, and I was drawing a blank on all of them as she hypnotized me.
The lakes in her eyes had proven to be as bottomless as the ocean while her ocean was as welcoming as a hug.
I beckoned that she join her lips with mine, but I was halted by a hand against my throat and a simple command, “Let me look at you for a little longer.”
And that’s exactly what she did, with her palm threatening to crush my Adam’s apple.
An action never came from the gentle hold she had on my ability to breathe, but the idea of my fate being in her hands kinda’ turned me on ?
Shit, in a way, she’d been dictating my fate all night. So technically, does all of that count as foreplay?
“Come here,” it was time for me to give my own commands. Who put her in charge anyway?
Without contest, she leaned into me. Our kiss was ravenous, and our biting and tongue-tying charged up my increased pace.
With a strong hold against her smooth, umber skin, it was me who now controlled our united destiny.
She panted against me as I thrusted my hips upward. My calculated speed was hauling her closer to the brink, and it was evident in her shaky hands and jumpy spasms.
My eyes rolled closed. She wasn’t the only one losing what little grip on reality we had.
“Please,” she whispered desperately.
“Please what?” was my absentminded response.
Incoherent pleas fled her mouth. I chuckled, diving even deeper into her abyss.
“Use your words,” I teased with a smirk.
She took a hold on my face, staring into my eyes as she mustered up a comeback. “Fuck you.”
I laughed, continuing to lose myself in her for as long as she wanted.
It was in no time, with locked eyes and shallow breaths, that our pleasure took on a glorious reign.
We basked in the starlight of a predawn morning, our ongoing highs becoming topped with the only other outer body sensation that compared.
The haze of our time together was slow to lift as our collective adrenaline dwindled.
My head remained pressed against her heart as she pushed for a steady paced breath. She caressed the nape of my neck, panting while relaxing in my arms.
It was a struggle finding inner peace when everything was still so physically chaotic. A heart doing jumping jacks, blood rushing every which way, a mind that was still too scattered to think of my next action.
With the caution of a predator creeping up on its prey, her hand snaked my neck and peeled me off of her chest. With shining eyes, she gave me my next set of instructions.
“Ruin me.”
Exhaustion held us in a chokehold, becoming so unrelenting that we had no choice but to surrender to it.
She was maxed out, so tired that she almost forgot to break our union before falling into her slumber. I followed her lead, only wrapping her in my arms before I was knocked out too.
I was awakened by a trail of soft kisses. My eyelids creaked open to find lips becoming peppered against my chest. And the eyes of my best night staring right back at me.
I chortled, my hand flying up to knock the sleep from my eyes. Her kisses halted as I sighed deeply.
Our gazes found each other again, a different wonder stirring in her eyes now that daylight was peering into the room.
“Hey,” her voice of seduction had a bit of grit to it as she offered a coy smile.
“Hey,” I replied while reflecting her smile.
“How are you feelin’?”
I hadn’t even assessed things yet, but there was an element of surrealism that was still placing a filter on my reality.
“Unreal,” I answered as she slowly sat up.
She gave a breath of a laugh, propping herself up with her hands on my shoulders. “You may be in some form of a weed coma or somethin’.”
“Nah, it’s a love hangover.”
“Okay, Diana Ross reference,” she chuckled while my hands danced along her skin.
“I know some classics.”
“I couldn’t tell last night. You ain’t even know the song we danced to at the Stacks,” she teased as I briefly gripped her thighs.
“I know it now. That’s what matters,” my hands settled on her hips.
“I guess you’re right,” she single-handedly caressed my face.
There was a brief moment, our eyes just tracing one another while the sounds of a day starting anew echoed outside.
“I was gonna call you an uber, but I might just keep you for breakfast,” a flirtatious smirk rented itself onto her lips.
“Oh, so you were gonna get me the fuck outta here?” I feigned offense, causing laughter to spring out of her.
“Mm-hmm,” she bit back a grin while nodding.
“And what made you change your mind?”
“Well, I figured… after last night, the least I owed you was a meal.”
“I like the way you think,” I affirmed.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” my hand wrapped itself in the material of her dress. I wanted to be closer, so close that my warmth and hers could no longer be deciphered.
My neediness wasn’t peerless, made evident as she laid down once again with her face nestled in the curve of my neck.
“I like having you here,” she whispered.
“One night, and you’re already carving a space out for me, huh?” I was only teasing to hide how much I liked being had.
She stripped herself of another layer, “One night where I could be my complete self… messy and silly and too-forward, all of the above… and I don’t feel stupid afterwards.”
My palms flattened against her back, yearning to feel her bare texture rather than the paillettes of her dress.
She sighed softly, “Even if we never see each other again, I hope you were able to feel like you, the you that no one gets to see.”
I held her closer, as if there was any room left to be diminished.
“I like being here,” I finally admitted plainly, no jokes and no charm attached. Just the truth and only the truth.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Then stay here, for as long as you’d like.”
My inner-contrarian snuck up, protecting me from getting lost in this fantasy.
It was a new day. The twilight hours no longer veiled our ugliest bits, and the weed nor the liquor could provide compensation.
The contrarian spoke, “And then what? Bond over how fucked up we are? Break each other’s hearts?”
“You don’t have to let fear or pride sully this moment, Dylan.”
She made a point that brought me right back to the traits of my father. My eyes widened at the realization.
“Just take this moment for what it is, and enjoy it… for however long.”
Such uncertainty only made me more anxious. How long would “however” be?
Why did it matter so much? What good would knowing that do?
Who says this has to be serious? Who says I’m ready for anything of that caliber?
“Don’t overthink it. Just hold me, and when you’re ready to eat, we can make breakfast. If you wanna leave after that, you can. If you wanna stay, you can. It’s that simple.”
With the ease of a breeze and the peace of a pond, she swaddled my flailing anxieties.
“Okay,” a breath I didn’t know I was holding escaped me while the sudden knots tightening my body were loosened. Her gentle kisses that followed helped too.
So, we laid there until my heart was content. We made breakfast and laughed and talked.
And as I stood in the doorway of her home, accepting a farewell hug, I felt myself missing her already.
Her arms lingered around me even as she leaned back to say her last goodbye, but when her eyes found mine, I knew that there was no way I could leave feeling whole after giving her so many pieces of myself.
I knew there was no way she could let me leave when she probably felt the same way.
So, I stayed… until her glass would fill mine and mine hers, and parts of us would become so intermingled that we didn’t know where one Dilan started and the other Dylan ended.
I stayed for as long as she’d have me, and I never left.
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✧ astro notes and titbits ✧
part 1, part 2 x
- a common misconception regarding the South and North Node: it’s not the mission to abandon your South Node, it just represents what you already learned and brought with you here on earth and should be expanded. The Lunar Nodes represent a constant seek for balance, South and North Node should both be equally integrated in ones life.
- regarding North Node: the North Node is more an uncomfortable placement as it pushes us towards what we don’t know and have a hard time understanding and integrating in our life, even though we desire it. The North Node is impulsive and aggressive in its desire and thus, on the negative side, can equally lead to trouble when blindly followed.
- when looking at our own, or even other aspects, especially the harsh ones, we always have to consider the age of the person. As you grow into your placements over the years, we then can have the abilities to handle conflicting energies within us better - this is not only an encouragement to people with harsh aspects, but also newbies who might get intimated by their own and others placements!
- a Quincunx (Inconjunction) can be even harder to resolve than a Square. While a Square can find common ground in the modalities at least, the Quincunx comes from completely different sides and can manifest as unknowingly doing the same mistake over and over again, while the individual wonders why it always hurts. At the same time, it can seem like the only option left for them, even when they know it’s not the optimum. Quincunxes can go under the radar as well, since they are a small aspect
- this a fun thing I recently did with my own and other charts: If you were born too late or early and you happen to know the approximate delivery date of your birth go and calculate that birth chart! I found myself lucky to be born two weeks later than expected asdfghj
- when you have Aquarius/Uranus touching your ascendant or any house that is about self expression and/or the public it could give you a very scattered energy; you might be flipping on and off energy wise and people could have a hard time keeping up with you or adjusting to your flow of energies. This can also result in a lot of different ‘phases’ the individual goes through, or in equally getting passionate about something but then losing interest 3 weeks later
- A very common trait that a lot of Pisces Ascendants have are the droopy, watery eyes and often times pointed features on the face/a rather pointed face shape
- Taurus, Sagittarius and Cancer Ascendants could stretch features of the face/the overall face shape. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter and Cancer is exalted in it: both of these signs can be prone to easily gaining width, Sagittarius and Cancer also can indulge a lot and thus can lead to quicker wheight gaining. Taurus, being the bull, can give the individual a rather wide, squary/boxy look, but always very sensual and serene with Venus being it’s ruler
- some thoughts on Ceres: Ceres is an asteroid that tells us equally about nurture and destruction. Ceres was Persephones mother, as much as she loves to take care of her lovely daughter, she sometimes doesn’t know the limits and when to stop - once what she loves is taken from her, she can leave a path of destruction behind her and become deeply obsessive. She can cross boarders and break rules for those she loves. Ceres is a mother archetype, responsible for harvesting, she is not only directly linked to nature, but also a good representation of mother natures extremes
-> Also: Ceres can give you insight about the relationshio between a mother and a child. I would recommend looking at your synastry with your mother figure. It can give you additional information to your parental relationship despite other very telling planets, such as Moon. Look where their Ceres touches your chart and what aspects they form
-> Ceres in synastry can also show you where your mother figure was most present, what they cared for most and maybe even where they were overly critical/concerned, protective or didn’t care for you at all.
- some thoughts on North Node an karmic connections in synastry: links from one Nodal point to the other don’t always have to indicate a karmic link that has a major impact in your life. Think about it: All people that are born around the same time as you and have their NN in ~ 10 degrees to yours will conjunct it, but does that mean we’re all karmically connected? It’s more likely these people all share a similar karmic life path, sharing the same soul mission.
Most likely the really big feelings and influences are when the Lunar Nodes touch the inner planets/angles, as they have an almsot immediate and very direct influence on the other
- those with Mercury square/conjunct or opposite Mars/Uranus are the ones to accidentally say something they shouldn’t have if they are in a flow of speech or just really comfortable
- Venus square/opposite Uranus often go against social norms or revaluate them, so this could give them naturally the image of a misfit and provocateur even if they don’t actively intent to do so. Their ‘out of the norm’ behaviour/attitude could leave many people irritated. This also can make them suffer from a lot of misjudgement in their life, as people could put them in a box constantly
- having a water signs in an earth or air house can make the individual a huge advocate and humanitarian, especially when it’s in inner planets or when Uranus/Neptune in Pisces are in an air/earth house
- This might be a quiet controversial thought for some, but I am a social studies student so just a little food for thought to everyone: let’s look at the heteronormative use of astrology, aka women = Venus, men = Mars, and I am not talking about energies, I am talking specifically about assorting a gender to these planets. Venus and Mars will both show up in someone when pursuing a person of interest and developing feelings. But now think about parts of society trying to raise women as ‘the harmonizer’ and men as the ‘conqueror’, because these are the often associated traits with these two forms of gender. Back at astrology, let’s look at the archetype and temperament of Venus and Mars. Venus is the represent of unions and forming connections thus standing naturally for harmony (mostly that is), and Mars is the fighter the pursuer and represent of raw sexual energy aka life force.
If people believe that the association of Venus to women and Mars to men is true, maybe look a bit closer into the environment you grew up in and maybe you can see that it’s a consequence of heteronormativity.
Chances are, Mars and Venus would be looked at equally, or only preferred in insights if an individual conciously is more attracted to ‘masculine/feminine energy’ - again, regardless of gender.
- Basically: Astrology is defenitely not free of the negative sides of society and interpretations should be scanned of our own bias as best as we can!
- I noticed that people with profound Mercury, Uranus, Sagittarius or Aries/Mars influence in their chart are the ones to watch YouTube videos in 1,5 x speed. The nervous and impatient energy inside their chart wants either to spend less time on a YouTube video (trying to watch 10 minutes in 5) or feel like how most people talk and the videos flow are just too slow (chances are they wish they could do that irl too asdfgh)
- Pisces with profound Mercury influence (especially in inner planets) can give the possibility for a very quick to judge individual - and usually they are very expressive with it as well, either in accidental, small gestures or by openly showing their thoughts through facial expressions or quick reactions
- that being said, people who have strong Pisces influence in their chart, especially those with Ascendant/Pisces in 1st, usually give their first thoughts away with their facial expressions. Their eyes do reflect their inner nature a lot, more so than Cancers and Scorpio do since these are naturally more guarded and hesitant when it comes to self expression in new environments
#i had to get this out of my head or else i'm forgetting it - again - only to remember it three months later#own#astrology#zodiac#zodiac signs#astro notes#astro observations#aries#taurus#gemini#cancer#leo#virgo#libra#scorpio#sagittarius#capricorn#aquarius#pisces
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Projection
Have I ever told you about how the astral plane works? So, here’s a little secret about me. I’ve been dabbling the past few years a little in lucid dreaming. Well, it turns out I have a knack for it, and it’s amazing, I can go around doing whatever I want. I climbed Mount Everest, flew through the skies, visited Paris. The possibilities are literally endless. And, me being me, I like to go around in these dreams trying different ways at possessing people.
Of course, since it’s still a dream at the end of the day, the experience is somewhat detached. As fucking hot as it is, flooding my dream self inside my hot neighbor, or phasing into that cute barista at the Starbucks down the street, I always wake up to a sense of disappointment. There’s only so much the brain can make up. I’m not particularly smart or imaginative either, so it honestly feels like half my energy is spent just trying to maintain that dream.
So that led me to try other means. Of course, the next logical step was astral projection. Unlike a dream, when you project, you yourself are experiencing the world- the real world. I wanted to try my hand at projecting into people.
I found a book online that detailed specific steps on how to achieve this. I think this was where the trouble began. In addition to being a great lucid dreamer, I was apparently an astral projection savant. The book mentioned it could take months before I could manifest my full body outside the physical plane, and years before I could untether and explore the world. It took me two days before I was able to leave my own body and jump inside people.
All things considered, astral projection is a bit of a dead end. I thought I’d be able to jump inside people, control them, live as them, fuck as them, the works. Well, the human body is resilient. It knows what soul belongs in it, so there’s not much to do inside someone, you can’t really influence what they do, and people seem to pick up on the odd sensation of someone else being in the room with them, so even when I do jump inside someone masturbating or fucking, half of them stop on the spot. Still, when you’re in someone who’s a little more fearless, you feel their body as them, and, let me just say, it’s hot being inside someone when they masturbate. It’s like feeling your own hand do the deed, but you feel it as them. You feel every muscle, every feeling, every thought. The hot ones kind of suck at it, but the afterglow is pure bliss.
This book gives one strange rule on projection though: Twins, especially identical ones, are unique. They hold a special bond. “Do not project into a twin.” Given this ominous warning and my curiosity, and given how much of an expert I already was at this whole projecting thing, I had no choice but to try.
———
The first time I projected into a twin, was magical. Of course, I knew immediately who I wanted to test this on. The hot twins who lived down the street who were especially close. They seemed to have different people over all the time so at the very least, they were active. I had my sights on one particular twin: Chase. Goddamn what a specimen.
I decided to go into a sleeping Chase as a trial run during one of my late nights. The twins apparently slept on the same bed, which was a bit weird but was perhaps a testament to to their closeness. I thought it was kind of cute. Like with all projection, the body resists the intrusion and I have to claw my way into him. Easy enough.
Chase’s twin Caleb immediately stirred with eyes closed in confusion- “Chase... are you there?” The slumbering Chase did not respond. Upon closer inspection, I caught sight of Caleb’s slumbering form talking to the spirit of Chase that he took inside himself. Oh shit does this mean what I think it means? Then I decided to move inside Chase’s body while his form followed my spirit’s commands. I knew it.
The first thing I did once I realized I had full control of Chase, of course, was to start playing with this new dick. In my excitement, I was immediately drawn back into my own form, awoken by my raging hard-on. Damn it! Fucking tease. I decided to finish beating it out, with Chase’s hot bod on my mind and a resolve from then on to get better at this projecting thing and stay longer inside him.
I made a fascinating discovery that day- a discovery that had probably prompted that ominous message in the first place. Twins are already naturally connected in spirit, so when you astral project into a twin, you can displace them and the owner’s spirit actually has a welcome place to go.
———
The second time I projected into a twin, I went into the wrong one. Equally unfortunate was that they seemed to have just had a fight, sitting in and angry silence before going to their respective rooms. I really should have done more research as far as who lived where because the person’s back that I slammed into was none other than Caleb. Likewise, it was apparently possible for twins to resist the displacement. This one was a fighter. The first thing I try to do in his body is flow into each limb and untether him. This proved to be fruitless, as he was easily able to fend off my attacks, kicking me right out of his body. I wasn’t one to lose a challenge so I again attempted a different route this time, concentrating all of me into his mind- control the mind and the body follows. Failure again. My final route was perhaps the cruelest, I expanded and positioned my soul to encompass all of him and began an all out barrage for control of his bod. Back and forth, my spirit squeezed in and out into him from all sides until he could no longer defend himself.
Finally, his soul submitted and I felt an emptying motion, accompanied by a quick shout from the other room. “H-What the fuck!” Chase barged in, visibly shaking, hands on his head in a mix of pain and confusion. He looked at me intently with an emotion I could not attribute. In response I gave a quick smirk and flipped him off with his own body before stating “Caleb, you’re pretty cute too. You like this? This is mine now.” As I start doing poses with his body, the emotion of my temporary twin became clear. Desire.
I stripped shirtless and began doing push-ups with his body, easily clearing 70 before finally breaking a sweat. I stood up and raised my Caleb arms, imbuing the room with his scent. Caleb looked on from Chase’s body with silent intent.
I then used Caleb’s nose to sniff his own armpits, used his own tongue to lick it clean, used his own mouth to flash him a demented smile. “Caleb, you taste very good, just like your hot brother,” I stated “-cmon, join meeee Chase... let’s do something sacrilegious” I ended with a wink. Of course, my fucking body woke up again, just when it was getting good. In the process, Chase also fell unconscious, as the real Caleb returned to himself. As I felt the last of my spirit be pulled back, and the waking world return, I caught the troubling sight of Caleb, back inside his own body, furiously masturbating over the events that had transpired.
——-
The third time I projected into a twin, he fell into depravity with me. Truth be told, I was again making a beeline right for Chase because, come on, look this face. Just as I was about to claim that tight ass, I felt myself get dragged into Caleb. A-fucking-gain. This time felt different though- he was still in the body with me. That in itself wasn’t too odd, given our fight from last time, but even stranger this time around was that his body was willing. It readily welcomed my soul. His form followed my spirit’s every move, yet I still felt his soul present, compliant. I decided to do what I meant to do in Chase and began masturbating. At the end of the day, they were twins after all, Caleb was still fucking hot to cum through, and I was not one to miss an opportunity.
“Well I think today’s little trip is gonna be a two-for one” I said with his voice as I finished. I then purged myself from Caleb’s physical form and headed straight for Chase until I felt a part of my current body pull me back. My spectral form attempted to claw myself back towards Chase, but Caleb’s pull had been too strong. He wasn’t letting me go. My spirit recoiled and slammed right back into his and I felt a part of myself stain Caleb. “I didn’t say you could leave,” he commanded, forcing me to watch as he began to rub our body with his warm seed. Hot. We both brought some of it up to our shared mouth, taking in all that we had just completed. “If you want, I’ll let you go so you can go inside that asshole Chase”, he states, “Make him dirty like me...or I’ll have to”. That last line definitely threw me off. Though I meant to to investigate further, I again felt the pull of the waking world from my own body. He moaned a quick “thank you” before passing out.
The return trip to myself equally odd. The human body naturally resists a little before accepting a spirit, even when it’s the owner of that body but somehow mine accepted me with no push back. Something was off.
Still, being inside these twins was fucking hot and I was not going to let a few unfounded fears stop me. I set plans for my return trip to them.
———
The fourth time I projected into a twin was also the most impactful. I once again aimed for Chase, but immediately ran into a confusing sight...
Standing before me was Chase, or rather, Chase’s body, unconscious in frozen discomfort. As far as his soul, however, I could see its form convulsing and contorting in pain. I then catch sight of the cause of that pain- Caleb’s spectral form was somehow deep inside Chase’s filling into him. It’s like watching an infection in real-time.
I stood, or rather hovered, in silence at the bizarre display I had witnessed. Evidently, that was a mistake, because before I aimed to leave this terrifying sight and head back, I notice Chase’s unconscious form raise its head, turn right at me and give me a toothy, wicked smile. “I can see you”. Chase’s body licks its lips. “You probably didn’t know this but independent little Chase over here has been planning on leaving for a while now. Said we should split. Move to a different cities. Live out our own.” Chase’s body opens it’s eyes and starts walking to Caleb’s slumbering form. He leans over and starts making out with the unconscious Caleb. “Oh Caleb” he moans “Don’t worry. I’m never gonna leave you” Chase’s lips gently pry open Caleb’s and he snakes his tongue inside. Parts of Caleb’s cheek puff up and back down as Chase’s tongue explores every crevice. He sucks a little before letting out a satisfied sigh “so...so that’s what I taste like,” he says breathlessly.
Chase then starts playing with himself right next to his twin’s sleeping form and I couldn’t help but get a bit aroused. “You always were the hotter twin” Chase says to himself as he continues tracing his own calloused hands all over. His attention moves to the unconscious Caleb, who he stops first to ponder for a moment before beginning to pump. He then positions Chase’s mouth over his original body to expertly deepthroat his own dick. This stirs the Caleb body to life, and he makes them both finish on each other off.
With both bodies, Caleb finishes licking himself clean. “Since it’s all me over here, this is technically just masturbating” he says confidently, as if to justify the disturbing sight I just witnessed. Caleb then positions Chase’s sweaty body behind his and has Chase wrap his sweaty biceps into an embrace from behind. “Like I said bro [moan], I’m never leaving you”. Two amused pairs of eyes then look directly at me. “You’re never leaving us either right? We have to thank you somehow for this,” they say, gesturing at their incestuous selves. I am immediately creeped out. After thinking for a few seconds, they chime in unison “Welcome to the family! We have a present for you”. With that, Caleb drops unconscious. That was signal enough for me, giving me shock I need to head straight back for my body.
Of course, by the time I get there, I instead see my own self, sitting naked, eyes rolled back and moaning as he maneuvers my hands all over. I see him continue to explore me, twisting my nipples, which, fuck that feels good, masturbating me, using my own body to maneuver in ways I never did before. With Caleb inside, my body moves with a confidence I never had. The experience is surreal. The sheer pleasure more or less stuns my soul on the spot. When my physical body finishes cumming, Caleb brings our hands to scoop it up and, oddly, it tasted different- slightly salty, slightly sweet, slightly Caleb. He sniffs our armpit and, again, the scent was rank, putrid, and nothing I’ve ever created. What was coming out of my body was undeniably Caleb.
“Mmmmmm... property of Caleb now” he says with my voice, as he rubs my Caleb-smelling sweat all over. Admittedly this was kind of hot. With an assured stride that I didn’t know my body could perform, Caleb opens my door, greeted by a Chase carrying his own unconscious twin. Caleb brings my body to his own and starts defiling himself. He turns his own body around and starts fucking it with my penis. Fuck that also feels good. With each pump, his own body starts to animate, ever so slightly. When he finally cums, my physical form falls unconscious and Caleb stirs awake. I take this as my chance to get back inside me. Success.. and god with Caleb smeared all over me, I smell disgustingly good.
“You’ll never leave me, right?” The body in front of me questioned. I’m a bit taken aback and try to stammer out a response “Uh...-“ before I could finish, Chase penetrates me from behind. “That would be a no” He whispers before giving my ear a playful bite. Why did he have to be so cute. This whole series of events was something straight out of my dreams. Despite this, my self preservation instincts kick into overdrive. Whatever this is, however good this feels, I need to get out. Fast.
As if he could read my mind, Caleb’s body smiles as he makes his twin use his rough fingers to gently grab my hair and pull me back. He leans Chase over to give me a deep, sensual kiss. “Oh well, Chase isn’t here anymore. Caleb took me, all of me. We’ve always had a deep connection... but he wanted more-I trusted him and he used that love to get inside me, pervert my soul... he’s in so deep inside me now that Caleb is all that’s left.” He wipes his sweaty face all over mine and continues making out. He then starts gyrating his hips, pushing more of himself inside my body as the Caleb body does the opposite and swallows more of my still-hardened rod with his ass. I feel the throbbing almost impossibly deep inside me from Chase’s dick as they proceed. “Thank you for this” they moan in unison.
They continue humping me from both sides, locking me in a paralyzed bliss. “We wanted to give you something special for keeping us close” they say. Then I felt it in my soul. Caleb. He pulls my spirit out and with his twin souls begin to fuck me in the astral plane. The feeling is indescribable. Nirvana. Bliss. Ecstasy. Enveloped by and merged to Caleb and Chase’s spectral forms, completion. This could be me. This could be us forever.
Then reality snaps back and I am floating alone. I finally regain my composure I try to head back to my unconscious, smiling body. No dice. “Occupied” it says with a chuckle. I head for Chase’s instead, “mmmm getting close” it moans. My body grins wider and motions to the unconscious Caleb. He spits with both bodies at his own motionless form. “Go ahead, take you new place, Caleb”. With no other option, I fill into the empty Caleb shell.
Chase and my body then start fucking each other. Hard. Messy. He’s doing more things with my body that I didn’t even know was possible, and as the original owner of my body, and the current inhabitant of Caleb’s, I feel both motions amplified. Im sure he feels the same.
As Chase, he turns my body around, and again rams his thick dick inside. My body involuntarily gasps, which causes me to gasp inside of Caleb. He forces a wicked, dirty smile out of my body’s face as he plunges ever deeper. He slips Chase’s sweaty abs onto my body’s back, wraps tone, sweaty Chase biceps over mine into an armlock from behind and takes plump Chase lips into a quick peck on my body’s cheek. My body then sags unconscious. Despite the sight, the smell throughout the sweaty combination was undeniably just Caleb’s.
Chase’s eyes flutter and his body trembles as Caleb repossessed his twin’s body with the extra soul he stuffed mine with. With double the soul inside, Chase exudes double the vitality and in that sweaty embrace, Caleb again gyrated his twin’s body into mine as he fills it with double the seed- double the soul. “T-thank you for the house warming present. I’ll take real good care of you-you’ll take real good care of us” he moans, as Chase’s body now goes unconscious as well. Dread fills me.
Aside from the odd cases with twins, human bodies know who their masters are. The act of imbuing a soul into a different body is, in and of itself, unnatural. So it was at this point that my empty body starts involuntarily writhing, trying to escape. I see tears well in my closed eyes, still unconscious from effort. Of course, as Caleb, I motion to protect myself from whatever was going to occur next and set to pull my unconscious form off the Chase embrace. Before I could pull my body out of the entrapment, it shoots awake, face swinging upward to face me. Bright white eyes shoot open. Behind my skin I see a force pushing deep inside, stretching it unnaturally. The visage of Chase appears, beneath my flesh, wearing my face like a mask. Though it’s Chase’s spirit he melds, the smile growing is undeniably Caleb. When it all settles, eyes roll back into place. Instead of my normal eyes, Chase’s pale blue orbs appear in their place. The crooked smile grows to a laugh on my body, teeth looking odd, until I realize it was Chase’s own molars poking through my own mouth. He takes shallow breaths and smears more sweat around himself, and though I can’t place if it was my own body’s sweat or Chase’s, the smell emanating is fully Caleb. Bones crack, skin shivers and stretch and contract and construct and I feel, from my own soul, a massive wave of nausea.
If astral projection into another is, in itself, an unnatural act, astral displacement, astral merging was another layer of corruption entirely, it was unholy. He was changing something in me, fundamentally. Wave after wave of Chase’s flesh bleed into my body from Caleb’s onslaught. My nausea shifts into a unique pain, a pain of the soul, originating from where he stuffed my physical form full of Chase’s seed-Caleb’s seed, mixing and amalgamating us into a wholly new being. Musculature appears in place of the frame of my body’s previous shape as more and more of it is twisted and contorted. Then, perhaps in one last push of defiance, my body screams involuntarily, and I, in Caleb, scream.
“So you’ll never leave me, like he planned to” Caleb says, with a mix of my voice and his, as he rams the last, massive part of himself into my body. My physical form’s face contorts in discomfort one last time before Caleb settles it into satisfaction. “Look at us” he states as he runs vascular new hands over my body’s new face and then uses that new face to give me a seductive wink. “We’re cute as a button”. The transformation was complete- my old self no longer recognizable in the new brother he had created.
The change, of course, had hit my soul as well. From inside Caleb I screamed...convulsed...shook... moaned... you know, the works. When that last bit of Caleb dug inside my spirit and changed me, I truly felt him, felt my twin, felt his love. I’ll be a better Chase for him than Chase ever was. Our souls are bonded for life. I am a part of Caleb now, and he is a part of me. Everyone experiences it differently, but we’re all grateful after to have Caleb inside us, to be a part of something greater. I like to think I have the extra privilege of being his twin, new and improved, wearing his old body’s skin while he wears and controls mine. And sometimes, with his permission, I get to play around inside the others. Sometimes we switch and he lets me jump inside Chase, like I’m doing now. The only body off limits is my old one. I like to think that makes me special, it’s the only body Caleb keeps his soul in 100 percent of the time. It’s proof of our special connection. And he wears the new me so well, better than I ever could anyways.
And, well, that takes us to today doesn’t it? Why even tell you all of this? Caleb likes you. I like you. We like you. And we think it’s time to expand the family again. You got some good traits to work with- we’ll get a lot use out of that bod, after a few adjustments. You’re probably feeling a little sleepy now. Sorry, guilty, that was me. Oh this thick Chase dick you feel inching deeper inside your ass? Yep, obviously also me. But, cmon future bro, dig deeper, listen with your body. What else are you feeling? Do you feel our love, throbbing in you? Do you something else, leaking inside? Do you feel these calloused Chase hands pulling you ever deeper into us? Do you feel him? Do you feel Caleb already worming himself into you? Good. Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you. You’re gonna love us. We’re gonna be fucking hot together after we’re done with you. Welcome Home.
—End —
Wanted to explore something a little different with this one. Hope y'all like it!
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Here to Misbehave (Pt. 23 | S.R.)
Series Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Finale |
Summary: Spencer’s birthday plans get interrupted by a case. Frustrated by Reader’s busy schedule, Spencer finds a unique way to spend time with her.
Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader
Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+)
Content Warning: Mild exhibitionism, fingering, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, Dom/sub, light choking, degradation/praise, sub space
Word Count: 7.3k
MASTERLIST
—————————————————
Waiting for Spencer Reid was an interesting position to be in. It was also, unfortunately, very, very common. You would think the IQ points would translate to efficiency, but you’d be very wrong. The only thing that boy does fast is read, and even that didn’t follow through to text messages, considering he’d read none of the six I’d sent him in the past hour.
So, naturally, as one does in an emergency, I called him. Unsurprisingly, the phone barely rang a second time before he picked up. Talking was, as we were both aware, his forte. Without even waiting for my greeting, his groggy voice came through the receiver with a song-like sound.
“Hello, little girl.”
But it wasn’t his turn to sing, and he knew damn well why I was calling. I could hear the smirk on his face so well that I could also envision exactly what he looked like in that moment, with his fluffy hair sticking up from constantly running his hands through it and his eyes only half-open as he tried to finish reading whatever horrible thing that he had in front of him.
It wasn’t how anyone should be spending their birthday. Especially not him. There wasn’t really anything I could do about it, though that didn’t make it any easier to hear the exhaustion and sadness behind that scratchy voice.
“What’re you doing up late? It’s past your bedtime, you know,” he chastised before I even had a chance to speak. He wasn’t wrong — It was 3AM where I was. But where he was, it’d just hit midnight.
“I just wanted to wish a happy birthday to my favorite old man,” I purred back once I’d managed to calm my fast-beating heart. I wondered if I’d ever get used to the brief rush of adrenaline and relief when I heard his voice for the first time after some time away.
I hoped not.
Spencer didn’t seem impressed by my reasoning, though.
“You’re sweet. Go to sleep.”
“You’re up, too,” I whined, still picturing the way he would undoubtedly pull the phone further away to lessen the noise. I almost asked if he was also picturing me but stopped when I realized that whatever he had in mind was probably a lot more exciting than reality. Then again, he often told me that moments like this were his favorite. When we’re both too tired to keep our eyes open but too happy to be with each other to let them close all the way.
“Barely,” he corrected.
“Besides, I had to stay up. It’s your birthday.”
I’d meant to lift his spirits, but the long pause after I finished made it evident that my efforts were for naught. He almost seemed even more upset than when he’d answered, and I tried to convince myself that it had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t that hard, considering he was probably staring at images or words of dead people.
“Yeah, sure feels like it.”
His tone alone ensured me it was worse than my imagination.
“Put your work down and pay attention to me instead,” I suggested as softly as I could with the neediness bleeding through, “That’s the first part of your present.”
“You’re my present?” he asked through a gruff laugh that made my heart skip a beat, “I like that present.”
He was trying. I could feel it in his voice, and I wished more than anything that I could teleport to where he was and hold him until it was too difficult for his mouth to form a frown.
“You already have me. That’d be like regifting,” I pointed out with only a pinch of self-deprecation. It was still too much for Spencer, though, who swiftly shot back the ever cheesy, “Every day with you is a gift.”
“Gross, don’t get all sentimental with me,” I ordered playfully.
He returned the energy with all the sass I always knew he was capable of. Once his whining ceased, he mumbled, “Do you come with a gift receipt?”
“No returns or exchanges allowed, I’m afraid.”
Spencer just let out a strained sigh, and in my head, I imagined how it would feel to climb onto his lap as he leaned back in his chair. I could almost feel his arms wrapping around my waist and his lips peppering kisses wherever he could reach. I could feel his love for me flowing across the country, persisting past the cell tower obstacles to make its way back to me.
“I can’t wait to see you again,” he whispered, his first purely sincere statement of the night.
It was an unfortunate choice, too, because it also reminded me of the biggest bummer that I unfortunately had to share.
“Oh, I meant to tell you, it’s midterm season, so…”
He was, thankfully, not as bummed as I was expecting. He was almost certainly thrilled to have a chance to sleep spread out on his bed without having to satisfy the very needy girl beside him, but he still managed to come up with enough bratty energy to scoff, “Are you telling me that I don’t get my gift when I get home?”
“It’ll just be a few days. Promise,” I spoke through the biggest, cheesiest smile I’d had yet. “You’re very distracting, Dr. Reid.”
“When are your exams?” His enthusiasm gave away just how disappointed he was with the news, but any frustration was clearly aimed at my poor professors.
“My last one is on Wednesday.”
The gasp that left him was too funny not to laugh, followed by exasperated, blubbered nonsense that didn’t ever get much clearer. I barely managed to understand him when he cried, “Don’t they know Halloween should be a national holiday?!”
“You should call my professors and yell at them.”
He actually considered it for a moment, but then returned the same silly intonation, “Maybe I will.”
“Do it. You’re probably more qualified than them to teach me, anyway.”
After a short silence that was filled with more sexual tension than I’d expected considering how the phone call started, I heard Spencer gruffly comment, “You’re a cocky little brat tonight.”
It was so familiar to me that I jumped on the opportunity, giggling through my sleep deprived delirium, “I’m in rare form for your birthday.”
The explanation earned me a chuckle, but not much else. At least, not that I could see. The static on the other end of the phone sounded a lot like the way it looked when Spencer leaned his face against his palm and tried to see something that wasn’t there.
But I was there. Sort of. We’d done a lot more with a lot less, after all. So, that’s what I offered him.
“You know… we could have a redo of the last time I called you late at night on a case.”
“That did not end well for me last time,” he droned. I tried not to laugh at the manufactured memory of Spencer holed up in a hotel bathroom because he just had to have me in whatever way he could.
“Only happy endings for your birthday. I promise.”
But then, as it always did, work got in the way. Filled with only the greatest sadness and regret, Spencer quietly but honestly replied, “As much as I would love to, I don’t think it’ll be possible on this case.”
“Is it that bad?”
“Unfortunately.”
I bit my lip because there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t help Spencer with his work any more than I could fix the distance. All I could offer him was a safe home to return to. He would always find that with me.
“Well, in that case, I will be equipped with cartoons and kisses upon your return,” I offered with grace.
But I wasn’t the only one in rare form. Without skipping a beat, Spencer corrected with a smug sadness, “You mean your return. Considering you’re abandoning me on my birthday.”
“Oh my god, the drama!” I cried before remembering that it was, still, in fact, 3AM. The light grimace I gave after remembering would be the only apology my neighbors would get from me. I was too busy building a narrative happy enough to drown out the horrors in front of him. “You’d think I was the one who was away all the time.”
“I’m allowed to be selfish; it’s my birthday,” he sang, and I soaked in the sound, storing it away for any rainy days.
“Fine. What do you want, brat?” I asked in the worst attempt at an impression I’d ever given.
He was just waiting for the question. Drawing out the first couple of syllables, he laughed through the stupidest birthday wish of all time.
“I want… you to go to bed.”
“Ugh!” I yelled again, not even bothering to feel bad about it that time. My exasperation fell on deaf ears, both from a willful desire to ignore my suffering and a literal ringing from the constant yelling.
Still, that impossible man drummed up enough compassion to gloat with a simple, “I love you.”
“I love you, too, jerk,” I grumbled, only to be swiftly corrected with a playful, “Try that again.”
“I love you, too, old man.”
He was satisfied enough with that answer, despite the sarcasm dripping from it. He still knew that the words were true, and that was all that mattered. Any punishments that might be necessary for my broken promise to behave for his birthday could always be doled out later. When the distance between us was narrowed to inches and clothes could be removed like cheap wrapping paper.
“Thank you, little girl. Sweet dreams,” he whispered, reminding me once more of just how empty my bed felt without him. I stared at his pillow for just one second before I threw myself into it. He chuckled at the sound of rustling sheets over the receiver but said nothing else.
“You get some sleep tonight, too, okay?” I asked, uncharacteristically and openly vulnerable in a way that used to scare me.
Spencer’s voice was filled with pride and love as he answered, “You can’t see it, but I am giving you a pinky promise.”
“Good.” Burying my face in his pillow again made it easier to remember that it wouldn’t be forever when I said, “Bye, Spencer.”
“Goodnight, little girl.”
—————————————————
Autumn on campus felt pretty similar to the rest of the year. I wished that it were different, a little more exciting, to reflect how I felt about the impending holiday. But no, it was just students stumbling into their usual classes and hectically scheduled midterms with hangovers and a total lack of holiday cheer.
It was, in a few words, a complete bummer. The only thing that kept me going through the last of my exams was the knowledge that I’d be seeing Spencer. Unfortunately, he was still doing that rather annoying thing where he refused to answer my text messages. It wasn’t until he ignored even my most ridiculous threats that I realized something was going on.
The ‘Read’ notification sat menacingly on my screen, and I was so fixated on it that I almost didn’t notice the familiar mop of brown curls visible in the front row of the auditorium. But once I saw it, the phone was forgotten faster than ever before. I ran down the steps at a ridiculously dangerous pace, dodging the others still grumbling from their previous exams.
I landed in front of him with only enough breath left to sneer, “You’re in my seat.”
“Surprise,” he said with my favorite smug, self-assured smile.
“Adorable. Now move,” I ordered with a wave of my hand. As much as I loved the guy, I wasn’t about to change my seating arrangement for him. It was beginning to make sense, though, why my friend told me that she wouldn’t be sitting with me today.
“Fine,” he sighed, taking his sweet time moving seats and watching me happily bounce on my feet in the meantime. I snuck behind him into the seat before he’d even fully stood up. That little amount of friction between our bodies seemed to be enough to cause the tension to mount. It’d only been seconds, but I was already seriously considering abandoning the class. To hell with the professor who’d already seen me.
But Spencer’s eyes locked on mine, and he leaned onto the armrest with that same silly smirk.
“It’s a workday, Dr. Reid,” I whispered, forcing my arm next to his and watching the way his pupils grew as I came closer.
“I might have pulled a few strings,” he replied just as quietly, keeping the illusion of secrecy despite many prying eyes around us, “Might’ve told Hotch I was invited.”
“But you weren’t,” I snorted.
Spencer’s head hung in just a little bit of shame, but his wide smile never waned. It was still there, bright and pure in its simplicity as he softly admitted, “Yeah. I lied. But I’m here now.”
There were no complaints about that fact, either. His pinky reached out to mine, twining together in the dim light of the auditorium. Somehow, for a brief second, I forgot about everything else. The noisy chatter meant nothing to me, the two of us lost in some alternate pocket universe that felt safe and warm from the cold air outside.
But time resumed, and I watched as Spencer took his eyes off of me first, turning instead to the lecturer watching us with a knowing glint in his eyes.
“Good morning everyone! We have a special guest with us today.”
I wanted to pay attention to his little introduction, but I couldn’t. Every word that was said about him sounded so clinical. It felt so empty compared to the truth I knew about him. He was so much more than a collection of publications and PhDs.
He was… indescribable. Even as his mouth formed a flat line and his awkward handshake was granted to the crowds of disinterested students, all I saw was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Even if it was only from the shadows of his greatness. Then again, I don’t think he’d ever let me feel that way.
Speaking of…
"Dr. Reid, the only thing I ask is for you to give these wonderful students a chance to show you what they know,” my professor started with a laugh before he so kindly continued, “So go easy on them."
In any other situation, I might have let it slide. I would have accepted the fact that Spencer was far beyond my intellect and not stand up for myself. But this time, Spencer was on my turf.
"All due respect to Dr. Reid, I don't think he needs to go easy on us,” I called from the front row, only audible to the other dutiful students that cared enough to sit up front. I heard Spencer laugh beside me, shaking his head just a little bit at the challenge. He didn’t say anything though, and I returned my eyes to the professor who was already familiar with my antics as I boasted, "At least not on me."
While Spencer caught on to the fairly obvious double entendre, shifting his crossed legs closer, the professor just wrote it off as my usual academic pride.
“I did try to warn you that that one might get competitive,” he commented. At this point, everyone had definitely figured out my relation to the man next to me. It was kind of hard to hide a bullet wound from your school. But again, I was so caught up in the man beside me that I didn’t even feel a little shame at their playful teasing.
Spencer’s commentary was the only thing that mattered, and he gave it with a dreamy sigh. "I'm not offended at all. I'm sure she's very clever."
The little bit of light left in the room started to fade, and once I was shrouded by the shadows, I felt confident enough in my plan to dig through the bag at my feet to pull out probably the nerdiest item in it.
A fucking back-up clicker. Which, I promptly handed to the man beside me.
“You’re in seat B4,” I whispered gruffly, earning yet another snarky chuckle from my boyfriend.
“Is that a challenge?”
I didn’t answer. Not him, anyway. What I did answer was the question that had appeared on the screen.
“Ms. (Y/n)?” My professor called, recognizing my seat number without even looking up.
Luckily for me, today was nothing but a review day of the midterm I’d already taken. While I knew all of the questions and, what I’d hoped were the right answers, Spencer had to read the questions from scratch. Really, it didn’t give me an edge. It just put us on equal playing ground.
As I gave my answer, I watched in my peripherals as Spencer’s eyes narrowed and tongue peeked out from lips that I still hadn’t gotten the chance to kiss today.
It was a bad thing to think about, because my brief reverie of the things that mouth was capable of reminded me of another one. I didn’t even notice another question had appeared on the screen, and when I heard the familiar buzz of an attempted answer, I shared my Professor’s temporary confusion.
“Ah, Dr. Reid,” he laughed, probably already regretting welcoming the bastard here, “Please explain the answer.”
But there was another thing working in my favor: My boyfriend’s giant fucking ego. Really, it should be impossible that someone who was normally super insecure could enjoy showing off as much as he did. My professor didn’t mind, because Spencer’s long-winded answer was a wonderful review of… basically the entire course, and I didn’t mind because it granted me the one thing I needed.
Time. Time to slowly remove my jacket and reveal the sweater underneath. Spencer’s eyes caught the motion, glancing over only a couple of times while he managed to give his answer. It wasn’t until I started to remove the sweater that he cut his answer short.
His throat clearing told me he wanted my attention, but I was still just too distracted for him. I fanned my chest that felt warm for reasons other than the temperature of the room, guaranteeing his eyes would stay there long enough for me to catch the next question before he had a chance.
Or so I thought. Because before the question appeared, I made the positively stupid mistake of meeting his gaze. As soon as I did, my mind was stuck there, drowning in molasses and honey and—
“Dr. Reid, please feel free to continue to do my job for me. Lord knows I would love a break,” the professor joked, and I almost felt guilty for just how genuine he sounded. Not like Spencer would have noticed passive aggression if it existed.
Not like either of us would have cared. Per usual, we were so lost in the space of B4 and B5 that we didn’t care about the rest of the alphabet. All we cared about was winning. It was growing more and more obvious to me, though, that I would have to become a little more ruthless if I wanted to bring down the bona fide genius.
The sound of his voice rang through the auditorium loud, clear, and confident. He didn’t need to worry if he was right or not, because he knew he was. The smugness was grating to my ears. I knew I couldn’t trick him into making a mistake, but there was one thing I could do.
I’d learned one thing very well in my time with Spencer, and that was how to manipulate that pretty little voice of his.
For example, if I wanted to hear it catch in his throat and come out a few pitches higher, all I would have to do is touch him. The riskier the touch, the higher his voice would go. Which was why I spread out the jacket over my lap, making sure that our legs were close enough that it covered him, too. Then I waited, calmly and kindly listening to him drone along until there was a natural enough inflection to hide evidence of any nefarious actions. Just as his voice started to rise, I slid my hand over his knee.
Spencer barely stuttered, just enough for me to know he was affected, but not enough for anyone else to notice. He took the loss with grace, quickly ending his answer with a summary that contained only half as many words as he would have normally provided.
He kept a few for me.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he hissed, shifting close enough to me that I could feel his breath on my ear.
“All’s fair in love and war,” I hummed. His breath caught again when I began stroking my thumb over his leg that had just started to bounce.
“This is wildly inappropriate.”
“How perceptive,” I returned with my own little smirk. The interaction caught us both, trapping us in the alternate dimension that existed when we held each other. His hand found its way to mine, and his thumb brushed over the back and sent goosebumps shooting over my skin.
I’d practically abandoned our pursuits altogether when I heard my friend’s voice as she took the question that we’d both missed. I should’ve been upset for losing after all that I’d gone through for my strategy to succeed, but it was hard to feel anything other than butterflies when Spencer was still looking at me like that.
Even when I looked away, he stayed, patiently waiting for me to take the final question in the review. I granted him a chance to take it, but he just shook his head, implicitly asking me to take the win for the both of us. Even when we were competing, we were always on the same team.
There were no more distractions as I explained the answer as simply as I could. I was positive the rest of the class was tired of hearing our voices, but Spencer never stopped smiling. I could feel the pride rolling off of him, his hand growing tighter around mine as he took in a deep breath.
“Very good, (y/n),” my professor announced, signaling the end and initiating a large sigh of relief from everyone else.
Spencer sighed too, although his was with a different kind of relief; a dreamy, soft sound as he muttered under his breath, “Just like I said. Very clever.”
The air felt positively electric, and I never hated my class more than I did in that moment. The rest of the period ticked by so slowly that I almost swore the clocks were broken. Once we were allowed to leave, Spencer insisted on sticking around to thank the professor for his hospitality.
I knew it was necessary, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. I tried to be as patient as possible, even though it seemed pointless. Spencer’s little grin told me he knew very well what he was doing. The conversation had dragged on for practically five minutes of agony while I idled by the door.
But then my professor passed, and I felt the adrenaline course through my veins in seconds. As anticipated, we didn’t even make it out of the building before the tension broke. We’d barely even made it down the goddamn hallway before I shoved his scrawny ass into the first empty classroom I found. Once the door clicked shut behind us, the roles were quickly reversed.
I hadn’t seen him that excited in so long that I’d almost forgotten how easy it was to get swept up in his undertow. I couldn’t keep track of his hands or his mouth as they marked any bare skin they could find. But no matter how frantic and uncoordinated the movements were, they never ceased to send chills down my spine.
“This is wildly inappropriate, Dr. Reid,” I managed to slur between sloppy, heated kisses. It was barely comprehensible through the pent-up lust that had driven us there in the first place, but it still felt worth saying.
Spencer, however, made his feelings very clear with a gruff, forceful, “I don’t care.”
His hands were already roaming over my hips, pulling me so close to the edge that I nearly fell off the counter entirely. While I was laughing at his haste, he was busy leaving angry marks on my collarbone, pulling the top of my shirt down to grant him more access. And despite how badly my body burned with desire and need, I drummed up just enough self-preservation to force out a few, regrettable words.
“Take me home.”
Even though I tried to make it sound more seductive than a normal request to stop, it brought the momentum to a halt. Spencer immediately stopped his kisses, but let his hands continue to stroke loving patterns over the sides of my thighs.
“Don’t you have other classes?” he asked. The feeling of his breath against my ears making me second-guess my already voiced decision. But as enticing as the idea was of having him now, having already waited over a week, I knew we could have so much more fun with a little bit of privacy.
“Don’t you have work?” I teased, hoping that it would spur him to take the action we both knew was safer. At the same time, I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to poke fun at the academic in him.
“Unless this is your way of telling me you've always wanted to fuck a girl in a lab because, I must admit I'd be more than happy to oblige."
Spencer’s whole body tensed as he imagined just what it would feel like to take me in such a public place. After a couple seconds that I can only imagine were filled with fantasies and a reasonable fear, he pulled me from my seat on the counter and placed me back on the ground.
“Let’s go,” he said, pulling me by my wrist towards the door.
I only barely managed to stop him with both hands on his arm. He turned back to look at me like I’d done some horrible thing, but I was too busy trying to stop the laughter that was spilling from my chest.
“You’re uh—” I cleared my throat, pointing to the very noticeable tent in his slacks before I keened through the giggles, “You’re gonna have to do something about that.”
With a quick glance down, Spencer remembered the very unfortunately obvious trait of the male anatomy. “Fuck,” he stated plainly.
I couldn’t resist.
“I mean, I’m down,” I joked one final time.
“Shut up!” Spencer laughed, too, trying and failing to adjust himself in his pants while I just enjoyed the show.
After all, we both knew that once we were alone, he would get a reprieve from my ridicule. He would get whatever he wanted.
—————————————————
The chaotic clashing of hands and mouths continued seconds after we’d reached our destination. The empty apartment had all of the sounds of our desperation echoing back to us, and after soaking in the melodious noise for a few seconds, I snapped back to reality.
“Okay, she doesn’t get home for another 30 minutes at the earliest so, we’d better hurry,” I urged, trying to shove Spencer off of me to convince him to move. It barely worked, with his arms clutching tighter the harder I struggled to get away.
Wrapped together just like that, the two of us barely made it a few feet before we almost tumbled to the ground. That was just enough of a reminder of our lack of coordination for Spencer to finally, begrudgingly, release me. Kind of. His hand still held tight to mine, and our laughter still combined the whole way to our bed.
From there, Spencer felt confident in our privacy to answer, “That’s fine. I usually tear open my gifts pretty quickly.”
It was a very good metaphor for the way his hands worked over my clothes. I didn’t even try to pinpoint the moment where being naked no longer made me feel nervous. I let the scar tissue show because neither of us were going to look at it, anyway. We were too caught up in the slight shifts and nuances of our faces as we rushed towards our one mutual goal.
“I missed you,” I mumbled, the words feeling as natural as breathing itself.
“I missed you, too,” he returned, and I felt the raw emotion, the sincerity and desire in every syllable. But once it was over and he had finally managed to remove everything but my underwear, all that was left was an all-encompassing, mind-altering level of lust.
“God, watching you in class was so fucking frustrating,” he strained, his upper lip curling with disdain as he watched my body squirm against the sheets.
“Why’s that?”
“I wanted you so badly.”
There was no denying that it was the honest truth, and I didn’t even want to try. I wanted to gloat and bask in the confirmation that his presence was dangerous for my academic career. Not to mention my sanity.
“Like I said. You’re very distracting.”
Then, to prove my point, that brilliant bastard shoved his hand under the band of my underwear. He only held me softly for one second before he slid his fingers through the slickness and thrust them roughly into me. It hadn’t been that long, but the emptiness I felt before was even more apparent now that I had any part of him inside of me again.
“Am I?” he chimed with a smile.
I wanted to be bratty, to fight the tension that was building and appear unfazed by his ministrations, but there was simply no pretending. Not when my body was already on the verge of spasming around his fingers that seemed to stroke the perfect place within me with every movement.
“Jesus Christ,” I sighed. I should’ve known better than to give him ammunition.
“You’ve resorted to blasphemy already?”
Spencer partnered the tease with a ruthless thrust, burying his fingers to the knuckle inside of me and holding them there. He waited until I ran out of breath and struggled to take another while also trying not to scream in a mixture of frustration and devastating need for more.
“I thought I told you we had to hurry?”
“We’ve got time,” he shot back without pause, “You’re just being a needy little brat.”
“Yes, I am,” I whined just as quickly, “I’m a fucking brat and I need you.”
He almost seemed disappointed in my compliance. His fingers began moving again, eliciting noises that were louder, higher, and sweeter after the anticipation. He tried to draw the attitude out of me by stopping again, waiting for a quip that didn’t come.
“Awww, no fight?” he cooed.
“I can’t. It’s your birthday,” I grumbled before biting my tongue. The pressure was becoming so unbearable I thought I might honestly draw blood. But after another few seconds of torture that felt like a lifetime, Spencer withdrew his hand completely.
He was testing the limits, watching how far I would let him go before begging. But even when he took the same soaked fingers and began rubbing me from the outside of my underwear, I only opened my mouth to steal quick, soft breaths and give pitiful whines.
“Oh, I like this…” he laughed, apparently having gotten past his concern about my sudden compliance, “I could get used to you behaving.”
The song-like cadence got to me, threatening to spark and ignite everything I was holding back. I almost bit back. I almost let the desire scorch my throat with a few choice words for the very rude genius, but I didn’t. The only thing that stopped me was the feel of cotton sliding down my thighs as he removed the final barrier between us.
“You’d miss my misbehaving,” I said with a chuckle. The sound mixed with another, a deep moan that filled my chest when I felt him press himself against my entrance. My back arched, causing him to slip inside of me just enough for us to both lose our words.
“I don’t know…”
If I’d wanted to say anything, my mouth wouldn’t have let me. It was too busy singing his praise while simultaneously begging him to silence it. My lips floundered for a kiss that he hung just far enough away from me to deny. Satisfaction was painted over every feature as he started to enter me, brushing his lips against my mouth every few seconds just to pull away before I was granted the intimacy I sought.
“You do look rather cute when you’re begging.”
It was strange, the way my body started to predict his movements. I met him in the middle of every motion, and I swore even our breath became synchronized in its rapid firing. It wasn’t until his hand rested over my throat we broke the rhythm. I wasn’t going to complain, letting the energy flow down my spine that arched towards him on instinct. His hips never stopped, and I could tell by the way his breath hitched and his fingers grew tighter around my neck that the new angle was as wonderful for him as it was for me.
“You look so sweet when you let go of every ounce of self-preservation and dignity you have and put your life in my hands,” he whispered with an affection that almost seemed odd considering the context. But then there was something else in his moans, a genuine gentleness that made my already arrhythmic heart beat faster.
“You know I’ll take care of you, don’t you?” he asked as his movements stayed calm and careful. Loving and safe.
I didn’t even notice my eyes had closed, but it ultimately didn’t matter. Because when I opened them, I saw the same man that existed in every image behind my eyelids. The only indication he got that I was still capable of communication was the gentle curve of my lips that dropped open in a pleased sigh as his hips continued a slow, tender pace.
It still felt like too much, but not in a bad way. It was too much in the sense that I was reminded once again just how ruined he’d made me. And the smug little shit knew it, too.
“You don’t have a single thought in that pretty little head, do you?” he cooed, dragging his hand up the column of my throat to force his fingers against my tongue. True to my word, I didn’t try to fight back. I soaked the digits that still tasted like me with my jaw left open. His pupils dilated as he watched the spit pool in my mouth that awaited his instruction.
“You just want to be used. Like the perfect little doll you are.”
Unlike my own, his smile was more of a smirk. A crooked, ever so slightly wicked quirk that made my muscles tense around him in their own version of an affirmative answer. He took it, happily. His body crashed into mine, but it merely felt like an extension of myself returning home like the waves meeting the shore. I could feel him claiming his rightful place at the deepest parts of me, making his home with every powerful motion of his hips.
I could hardly breathe, let alone think. I didn’t want to. It felt unnecessary.
“My sweet little girl,” he muttered with an unbelievably chaste kiss in the center of my forehead, “You’d do anything to make your daddy happy.”
I felt detached from myself in a way that didn’t feel me with fear or pain. I could feel myself through his hands, strong and working the pliable flesh of my thighs as he held them up so that he could drive into me harder.
His eyes, also only half open, burned with intensity. I could feel the determination, the undying desire to grant me a serenity that no one else could. His need for me to feel safe and loved with the seemingly contradictory brutality.
But it wasn’t contradictory. The power behind every movement, the insistence on being as close to me as he possibly could, might have caused some physical pain, but it was nothing compared to the pleasure of sharing this space with him. Of sharing my body with him just to see what he would do with it. I already knew, but I wanted to feel it again and again. Because with each stroke of his hand and thrust of his hips, I felt it.
Spencer had free rein to do whatever he wanted, and he chose to love me.
“I’m so close. You know what I want,” he pleaded despite holding all of the power. He handed it to me with a low groan, trying to kiss my lips while he commanded, “Do it. Come for me.”
My body obeyed his command, falling to pieces around him with shockwaves breaking over every inch of me. My vision went white, crafting a halo of light around him as he also found himself reaching a peak that seemed different than the times we’d shared before.
I tried to figure out what had changed, what about this time made it unique. But as the euphoria faded, all I saw staring back at me was the same face as always, radiating a joy and understanding that warmed damp, chilly skin. Spencer’s release provided a similar warmth within me, and my body clung to him even tighter despite the exhaustion.
My breathing took its time to even out, but I was in no rush to leave him. I would have stayed like that forever, with Spencer covering me like the silliest, boniest blanket. If it wasn’t for the dead weight he eventually dropped on me, we probably would’ve spent the whole day lost in the covers. But he could thank the scars for me being a little less forgiving.
Of course, thankful is not the word to describe him at all. Whiny was more like it. Even as I turned our bodies together so that I would still be sitting on his lap, he did nothing but groan and bitch about it. That is, until I silenced him with a kiss that barely brushed over his lips.
That was enough to turn his frown back to the dopey smile I loved so much.
“Happy birthday, old man,” I purred, enjoying the way his hands grabbed me tighter at the loving nickname. But age wasn’t what was on his mind. I could see it in the way his eyes tore past my defenses and he held me closer like we could actually become one if he tried hard enough.
“I’m so in love with you, it’s infuriating,” he whispered.
“I’ve heard that one before.”
Spencer wasn’t in a joking mood, though. All of his humor seemed to be expended earlier in the day, and now he was just left with all the mushy, romantic innards that I normally kept at bay.
It wasn’t that bad, though, I thought as his hands framed my face so our foreheads would touch. There were worse things to be trapped with.
“It’s true,” he mumbled with his voice still high and slurred together, “I look at you and there is just… nothing that can be said that would ever explain the way it feels.”
“Gross,” I joked.
“Get used to it,” he returned. And if that wasn’t enough to make me laugh, he stuck his tongue out in the most childish display I’d seen from him since he’d fucking licked my hand on our picnic. It was also just charming enough that I was willing to let the sappy stuff slide.
“I’ll be nice to you this time,” I grumbled. “But also, speaking of time, you’d better hurry up if you don’t want to do the walk of shame with an audience.”
Spencer’s arms fell limp with a dramatic cry before he used them to cover his face once more.
“Ugh. Go,” he ordered. Despite his words, he still made me fight against greedy hands to wrestle my way out of bed. It would have been smarter to let me go quickly. I really don’t know what he was thinking, but he would learn his mistake soon enough. Because as I was finishing up in the bathroom, I heard a very amused voice chiming down the hall on the other side of the door.
“Good afternoon, Spencer.”
I debated not opening the door and freeing Spencer from the unbelievably uncomfortable position he’d just found himself in, but ultimately decided it was too cruel. Still, the stalling had taken up enough time that the poor guy felt compelled to reply.
And, of course, the only thing he could think to say was a pathetic, high pitched, “Hi.”
Somehow managing to contain the absolutely riotous laughter I felt in my gut, I opened the door with the straightest face I could muster.
It wasn’t enough. Spencer saw the pleasure I took in his humiliation and practically shoved me out of the bathroom to take my place behind the doors. While I found the action endearing in the most awkward way, my roommate was mostly just confused about how the fuck I’d managed to find someone as stupid as me.
“I didn’t know he was coming,” she said once she managed to smile at the silly situation.
Clearing my throat, I tried to sound sincere in my bullshit apology. “Me either, sorry.”
In a way, I think the fact I couldn’t pull myself together worked in my favor. Normally, she would have scolded me (albeit playfully) for not alerting her of what she might be walking in on, but this time, she just tried to withhold the smile that still stretched over her cheeks despite her best efforts.
“You’re fine,” she sighed, giving in to the desire to go against her usual grumpy demeanor before retreating to her own room. “Have fun, you hooligans.”
Once her door clicked shut, I heard shuffling on the other side of the door next to me. Spencer’s shadow was visible from the light peeking out underneath, and I waited a few more restless seconds before I announced, “You can come out now, Spencer.”
Cautiously, the door creaked open just enough for his head to poke out and confirm that I wasn’t trying to trick him.
“I’ve never been a hooligan before,” he said with a bounce in his step and his eyebrows halfway up his face. To think that he was the same man who threatened to arrest me for existing at a nightclub was, in a word, hilarious.
“Well, good news for you,” I purred, and the sound must have reminded him of my more devilish nature, because his jubilance quickly shifted back to an obvious anxiety. I wrapped my arms around him even when it meant that his muscles tensed, dragging him down so I could whisper in his ear, “I was just about to ask if you wanted to help me play hooky.”
“And do what?”
It felt strange to say that I hadn’t really thought about it. That the second I’d seen him I knew that the day would be good and free and fun. That everything felt so perfectly fine that I didn’t even want to challenge it with a schedule.
Spencer looked at me, his answer apparent in the way he started to relax the longer we stayed wrapped up in a shitty apartment hallway. It didn’t matter what I said. Spencer would have followed me, just like I would have done for him.
And without the angst or uncertainty of what could go wrong, there was only one thing left for us to do. With a shrug and pout, I proposed the riskiest plan we’d had yet.
“Whatever we want.”
—————————————————
| Finale |
#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid smut#spencer reid imagine#here to misbehave#h2m#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x you#spencer reid series#reid series#spencer reid request#criminal minds self insert#criminal minds smut#dr spencer reid#reid request
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Middle Ground
A Mitsuhide Akechi fanfic - approx. 2200 words. This scene occurs well after the events of the romantic epilogue. Fluff.
First: Mitsuhide and the Maiden
Previous: Bonding
“So . . . separate beds?” Mitsuhide’s wry smile was only a little bitter.
“Yes. I know it’s silly. I’d . . . I’d rather be in there with you.” The chatelaine, soon to be Lady Akechi, looked down, her expression a mixture of shame and defiance.
“It’s fine. I will have you all to myself soon enough. What is a night or two apart?”
She looked up without raising her head, trying to gauge his emotions.
Mitsuhide wasn’t having any of that. He took her chin between his finger and thumb and gently lifted until her gaze met his. “It is fine.” Then he leaned forward to brush a kiss across her cheek. With his lips almost close enough to touch her skin, he added. “Are you so eager to be in my arms again? Do you want to . . . test out the guest room? Or your childhood bed?”
He had the intended effect. She shivered and licked her lips. “You are so bad!”
“You are the one protesting our brief separation.” Mitsuhide pressed another kiss to her cheek and leaned back.
She crossed her arms. “You’re right. It’s just a few nights. But when we get back to the city -” a wicked smile turned her lips up at the corners, promising all sorts of fun.
“So forward, my little mouse. So eager. You make me wish we were home already.”
“That’s the idea.” She turned and threw him a saucy look. “Something to dream about.”
Mitsuhide chuckled. “Good night, little one.” Something to dream about indeed. He watched her hips as she walked down the hall, until she turned into her room and shut the door. She really had no idea what impact she had on him. He wondered if it was his practiced art of hiding his true emotion, or simply that she couldn’t see how beautiful she was. How desirable.
He went into the room and shut the door. It was so strange. The electronic hum of household devices. The cold fluorescent light from the street lamps in his window. Distant traffic sounds blending with barking dogs and strains of music. Mitsuhide felt suddenly very alone and very out of place.
Despite his refusal, the thought of spending one night, much less three, without his little one, felt impossible. A burden too heavy for him to bear. He needed to feel her in his arms, to fall asleep to the sound of her breathing, the beat of her heart. Her warmth grounded him in this strange place.
Mitsuhide gave a dry, soundless laugh. Who was the little mouse now?
Slowly, meditatively, he dressed for bed and lay down. He would embrace this world, different as it was from his own. He had to, because it was the one that gave birth to his beloved. And so, listening to the heartbeat of this small town, the viscous thrum of modern life, he drifted into an uneasy sleep.
Miyake and Sasuke arrived the following day at lunch. They met up at a local restaurant. Youko was friends with the owner and able to borrow a few tables in the back for privacy.
Minoru, the chatelaine’s often grumpy father, seemed to be on his best behavior. Not smiling, but distantly polite to the two newcomers. He thawed a little when his daughter threw her arms around each of the men in greeting.
No one said much as they ate. Youko and Minoru sat beside their daughter on one side of the table, glancing up at her strange friends. Sasuke, Mitsuhide and Miyake sat across from them, looking nervous.
It was Sasuke who finally broke the silence. He cleared his throat. “I understand your daughter told you about our time in the Sengoku. Understandably, you want proof. You have questions. We are here to give you what evidence we can.”
Minoru snorted. “What do you get out of this charade?” He gestured to Mitsuhide. “Is he paying you?”
Miyake looked as if he wanted to speak up, but Sasuke beat him to it. “No. I am here because your daughter is my friend.” He reached into his bag. “I know it isn’t much, but I brought my ninja kit as proof. These - these are smoke pellets. And that is a kunai. This is a sleeping poison, and this -” he went through the items, explaining what they were and how he made them. Detailed descriptions of the tools and materials he had available.
When Sasuke finished, Minoru looked thoughtful.
Youko smiled across as Sasuke. “You seem a very resourceful young man. And you are also the one that discovered these wormholes?”
“Yes ma’am.” Sasuke dipped his head, embarrassed by the compliment.
“It could just be you have a - a fascination with this stuff. Read a lot. Saw some movies,” Minoru said. His gruff voice held more than a hint of doubt. Even he didn’t buy his own explanation.
Sasuke nodded. “I could have. But even that would not yield the encyclopedic knowledge I’ve developed. I would go into greater detail, but I imagine you don’t have the underlying historical education to make use of most of the information I could provide. Unless . . . Are you a history buff?” His voice sounded different at the end, as if this question was important. Light glinted off his glasses, hiding his eyes. The air around him was charged, almost crackling with a sudden and unexpected energy.
“No. I can’t say I am,” Minoru replied.
“Hm, too bad.” The strange tension in the ninja disappeared as suddenly as it came.
Mitsuhide nudged Miyake. The warrior muttered something under his breath and then rolled his shoulders. “Alright, old man. I don’t blame you for doubting us. I’d think I was crazy too, or lying. But what Lady Akechi told you is true. She’s been living with my lord for the last few months. And it’s a good thing too. He smiles a lot more now. Eats too, and sleeps almost like a human.”
“Miyake,” Mitsuhide growled. “That’s not the kind of evidence they need to hear.”
“Sorry, but it’s the truth. And if you don’t mind me saying, well, even if you do, your daughter makes for one hell of a princess. She makes the servants happy to do a good job because she notices the little things. And the guards . . . they’d all die for her, and not just because Lord Akechi demands it. She’s kind and good to all of us. I don’t get to spend time at the castle, but I hear how she remembers birthdays and congratulates newlyweds and -”
Youko laughed, a sound Mitsuhide recognized. Much like his own little one, but matured. More elegance with just the same amount of joy. “It sounds like you have a following,” she smiled at her daughter.
The chatelaine blushed. “I really don’t. He’s exaggerating, mom. Really.”
“He is not,” Mitsuhide chided. “Though I don’t think that’s the kind of proof her father -”
Minoru interrupted, his gruff voice quieting the table. “It’s clear you’ve gotten to know her. My little girl.” He gave her a brief smile. “I am still . . . it’s a lot to take in. This wild story. But she stands by it and there is clearly - something true in it.”
His daughter hugged him. “I knew you’d come around, papa.”
He dislodged himself from her unexpected embrace. “I didn’t say I’m buying the whole story. Just,” he waved his hand, “some of it rings true.”
The tension at their table eased, and conversation began to flow more naturally. Youko and Minoru had a lot of questions, and were finally ready to hear the answers.
***
Kyubei followed Ranmaru through the thick forest undergrowth, barely able to make out the dirt path he led them down. This was supposed to lead to a safe house, one that Kennyo agreed to meet him in. He wished the demon-abbot had a taste for teahouses instead of abandoned forest shacks, but it could be worse.
He could be with Hideyoshi, hunting Motonari across the ports. Kyubei wasn’t afraid of pirates, but being on a boat . . . the constant roll of the ocean waves made him sick as a dog. No matter how many trips he made, he never gained any kind of tolerance for the motion. So this, the dirt and the bugs and the thick air under the trees, was a better deal all around.
“This is it.” Ranmaru stopped just before the path opened on a small clearing. There was a half-rotted shack ahead, once a shrine to some local deity, now fallen into disrepair.
Kyubei was surprised to see he wasn't’ the only one here to speak to the monk. Another familiar figure sat on the wooden steps outside the shrine. “Shingen?”
Takeda grinned up at him, pushing a lock of sweaty hair out of his face. “If it isn’t Mitsuhide’s maid!” He laughed. “Kidding, kidding! I just expected to see the kitsune out here himself.”
“He is otherwise engaged.”
“Is he?” Shingen’s smile was dangerous now. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with our missing ninja, would it?”
“If it does, I’ll send him your head,” Yukimura spoke up from somewhere to Kyubei’s left.
Ranmaru put his hands up, laughing as if this were all so silly. “It’s too early for threats. Come on! Let’s make some tea and relax. The abbot will be here shortly.”
Kyubei turned his head a fraction, just enough to see Yukimura lower his spear. “Tea would be good.” He ignored the younger warrior’s scowl as he followed Ranmaru to the shrine.
He didn’t sit, but stood near Takeda, resting his back against a tree.
Shingen, for his part, pretended to be fully relaxed. It wasn’t quite effective though. His brow held a waxy sheen, his eyes looked sunken and fevered. Worse, his breathing was labored. A rasp, harsh as a winter cough.
Kyubei watched him carefully. This was a bad situation. A dying man had fewer qualms than one that had to live with his decisions. He hadn’t realized Takeda was so bad off though, despite the reports he’d received. The Tiger of the Kai was legend. Not a man to be taken down by sickness. And yet.
“Don’t get any ideas,” Yukimura snapped, coming to stand beside his lord.
Shingen chuckled. “So protective, Yuki.” His laugh turned into a thick, unproductive cough. When he finally got control of himself, he directed his attention to Kyubei. “So. Where did your lord and my ninja go off to? And don’t tell me you don’t know. There’s too much tying their disappearance together. I’d rather not have to kill you today for lying to me.”
Another situation he wished he had his lord’s guidance. What information was safe to pass along, and what plans would the ripples of this conversation affect? Kyubei swallowed. “I suspect they have gone to visit the chatelaine’s home. 500 years in the future.”
Shingen nodded as if this was the answer he expected. “Sasuke asked me if I’d like to visit his hometown. He said - he said they could cure me.”
“And then he left without you.” Yukimura punched the shrine wall, causing the whole building to tremble.
Ranmaru poked his head out. “Hey! Careful or you’ll bring the whole thing down on my head!”
“Sorry,” Yukimura growled.
“If it is any consolation, I don’t believe Lord Akechi or Sarutobi left when they did intentionally. The information my lord left indicates the trip was meant to take place later. He was still . . . putting things in place for his extended absence.”
“That’s bull,” Yukimura grumbled, but he relaxed his grip on the spear.
They had no more time to talk it over as Kennyo’s shadow fell across the clearing. He came out of the trees like a spirit, the rings on his staff clinking. “It appears you found me. Again.”
Shingen grinned. “Well, old friend, I did have to hunt through every abandoned shrine in the province to get to this one.”
Kennyo snorted in disbelief.
“Ranmaru brought me,” Kyubei bowed. “It is a pleasure to see you again.”
“I have little time or patience for guests. Tell me what you want.” Kennyo crossed his arms.
“Your help with the false emperor.” Kyubei didn’t look up from his bow. “We both know Ashikaga is dead. The scribe we set up in his place, or the men around him, have gone astray.”
“I could care less. Let the exiled shogun harass the devil-king. Nobunaga and his pawns can go to hell.” Kennyo’s eyes were dark and full of anger. It radiated from him like heat from a fire.
Shingen shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I hate him too. But it’s not just him getting hit. These idiot daimyos in his retinue are conscripting farmers. Villagers. Innocent folk that should be left out of a power grab.”
The demon abbot’s eyes fell on his old friend. “And you believe this is a worse fate than what the Oda have in store for them?”
“I do.” Shingen’s gaze didn’t waver.
Kennyo’s shoulders shook and it took Kyubei a moment to realize the abbot was laughing. He shook his head. “You always were a fool, Shingen. But fine. I will tell you what I know. I don’t think you can stop what has been set in motion.”
Next: Double Dating
#ikemen sengoku#ikesen mitsuhide#mitsuhide akechi#ikesen kyubei#otome guys#otome#fanfic#fanfiction#fluff#hc
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Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Laito Maniac [Epilogue]
ー The scene starts in the entrance hall in Eden
Yui: ( So this is Eden, the place where Karlheinz-san lives... )
Laito: Nfu~ He doesn’t seem to be around. ...Well, I expected as much.
Seems like we have no other choice but to wait. Good grief.
Yui: Shouldn’t you look for him?
Laito: I can’t. No, to be more precise, it would be a waste of time and energy...I guess?
Yui: ...? What do you mean?
Laito: Hmー ...How should I put this? ...It’s a bit difficult to explain. ..Well, I suppose you’ll find out eventually.
I wasn’t expecting to meet him right away after showing myself here out of the blue either.
That man knows everything. I’m sure he’s aware as to why I’m here as well.
Yui: Eh...!?
Laito: I guess you could compare him to God. Not only does he foresee everything, he never shows himself.
Because he knows that time is not ripe yet.
Yui: W-What do you mean...?
Laito: He can predict the future. However, while he can foresee what can happen, he can’t change it.
Picture yourself in front of a river, for example...There’s a large obstacle somewhere far up ahead...
He can see the entire river, so he’s already aware of the obstacle.
However, he can’t stop the flow of the water, nor would he attempt to stop it himself.
ーー I guess putting it like that makes it a little easier to understand...? Nfu~
Yui: Yeah, I feel like I can vaguely understand what you’re trying to say.
( He knows that Laito-kun has come and why he is here. )
( However, he hasn’t shown himself because it isn’t the right time for them to meet yet, right? )
( ...I wonder what kind of person he is to be capable of such a thing? )
Laito: That’s the current situation, so let’s take it easy here for a while, okay?
He should show himself when it is time.
Yui: Yeah...
( ...Somehow that’s a little anticlimactic after stressing myself out the whole way here. )
( Besides, it feels weird to relax here. )
( Laito-kun’s here to kill the owner of this castle after all... )
( To a measly human such as myself...The way things are handled over here in the Demon World are on a completely different level, far beyond my comprehension. )
Laito: Say, Bitch-chan? Let me show you something nice.
Yui: Something nice...?
Laito: You’ll find out once you follow me. Nfu~
*Rustle rustle*
Laito: Come on, this way.
Yui: Yeah.
ー The scene shifts to the flower fields
Yui: Wah...How beautiful...!
Laito: Right?
Yui: ...What are these flowers called?
Laito: Hmー Their name, huh? I’ve never even thought of that.
Yui: I see...
( I’ve never seen these kinds of flowers before... )
( The petals become multi-colored when hit by the light, so they’re very pretty... )
Are these flowers exclusive to this garden, perhaps?
Laito: Exactly. They don’t bloom anywhere but in these flower fields at Eden.
Yui: I see...
Laito: ーー These flowers, you see. They’re immortal.
Yui: Eh?
Laito: Nfu~ Just like us. As long as no supernatural powers are involved, they won’t ever wither.
Yui: They never...wither? Such flowers exist...?
Laito: I mean, there’s creatures like us which are immortal...
So it isn’t all that strange there’s similar plants as well.
Yui: I see. Good point...
Laito: If only...the same could be said about humans.
Yui: ...Laito-kun...
Laito: I wouldn’t have to be plagued by any weird thoughts if you could be like these flowers, right?
Yui: Um...This might be a strange question to ask, but can I not become a Vampire then?
Laito: ーー It didn’t work.
Yui: Eh?
Laito: I started considering making you one of us a long time ago.
For some reason, I couldn’t. Under normal circumstances...A human would slowly transform into a Vampire by having their blood sucked repeatedly.
We call this ‘the awakening’...
But for some reason, you never awakened. I don’t know whether your heart’s the blame for that, or if it’s something entirely different...
Yui: I see...
( My heart was taken from Cordelia and put inside me... )
( In that case, it honestly wouldn’t be all that strange for me to become a Vampire, so I wonder if there’s some other reason behind it...? )
Laito: Are you upset, Bitch-chan?
Yui: Eh...? Why would I be?
Laito: Because I tried to make you one of us, without ever asking your opinion on the matter.
Yui: No. I’m happy knowing that you thought that far ahead for me.
Besides, if anything, I’dーー
Laito: Nfu~ You would have preferred to become one of us?
Yui: I just thought that would allow me to stay with you longer.
Is that strange...?
Laito: It is. Or rather, don’t you think you’re taking the concept of immortality a little too lightly?
Yui: Am I...?
Laito: I guess in the end, both humans and Vampires want whatever they don’t have.
Being able to naturally pass away is such a blessing after all...
Yui: I guess it is to you guys...I’m sorry, I...
Laito: No need to apologize. I’m the one who tried to take that privilege away from you after all.
If anything, I should say sorry, no? ...Fufufu.
Well then, guess we should get back inside soon?
Yui: Yeah...
ー A flashback ensues
Cordelia: ...!! Why...Why!? Why won’t he come!?
He...Karl said that he would come today...He broke his promise with me!! Unforgivable!!
Who does he think I am...!? I am the daughter of the Demon Overlord, Burai...!
All other men are head over heels for me and yearn after me...So why does Karl...!?
Laito: ( ...She’s having one of her lunatic episodes again. Honestly, she should stop bothering since it’ll only exhaust her. )
( I don’t think there’s any reason to get so upset? )
( For one, this happens all the time. He never changes. )
Cordelia: God!! I won’t forgive him...!!
*Thud*
Laito: Oh come on, don’t be so mad. Calm down...
Cordelia: How am I supposed to stay calm right now!? Aah, god...It grinds my gears...
Laito: Nfu~ But you have me, don’t you? Just forget about that man already.
Cordelia: ーー Hah?
Laito: ‘...Hah?’, you say? How cruel...
Cordelia: I have you, so what?
Laito: What do you mean? ...I mean, I could replace him and...
Cordelia: Time to get off your high horse. Listen carefully? You aren’t Karlheinz.
Don’t get the wrong idea. You’re no replacement for him.
Laito: ...
Cordelia: ーー Haah...Honestly, Karl...You’ve kept me waiting for so long...I can’t believe it...
Just look at how much I love you!
Laito: ...
( Then, what exactly am I? )
( If I’m not his replacement, then!? What...purpose do I serve!? )
Monologue
ーー That one sentence she spoke,
was a fatal blow to me.
Pierced deeply through the heart,
I came to realize how foolish I had truly been.
I even felt the desire,
to kill myself on the very spot.
I had the wrong idea this whole time.
I thought that she sought after me,
both to spite him,
as well as a way to replace him.
However, reality was different.
I was nothing,
but a way for her to vent off her frustrations.
In other words...
I was her personal trash can,
to throw in all the ‘love’ she didn’t know where to go with.
Looking back at it now, I was shallow-minded.
To think that while twisted,
there was something there,
which could be considered love.
I truly believed so,
and I wanted to believe.
ー The flashback ends with Laito waking up in the guest room
Laito: ...!!!
Haah, haah...A dream?
( Oh, it was just a dream...Even so, it felt incredibly real...A true nightmare... )
( All of this probably happened...because I’m currently at this place, at Eden... )
( This is his territory...He could easily (1) manipulate my dreams... )
Fuck...!!
*Rustle*
Yui: Nn...
Laito: Whoops...!
( Right, she’s lying next to me... )
...
Yui: ...
Laito: ( Thank god. She’s sound asleep, huh...? )
Yui: Uu...
*Rustle rustle*
Laito: ( ...Such a thin neck. I could probably snap it with just one hand... )
( A fragile...and delicate neck. )
*Rustle*
Laito: ( If I use both hands like this, it’d be over in a second... )
*Rustle rustle*
Laito: Kuh...
Yui: Uu...
Laito: ...!!
Yui: ...Uu...
Laito: Bitch-chan...?
Yui: ...
Laito: ...!!
( What was...I doing just now...!? Did I try to...kill her...!? )
( ...Even though I told her...Told her that I’m here to kill him to be able to look at life more brightly... )
( No...I’m not killing him for that reason... )
( I want to be killed by him. Because then I can die. )
( I won’t have to see her perish either. ...I want to avoid that. )
...
( I’m scared of myself...At this rate, I’ll end up killing the person I love the most. )
( Just like...I killed her. )
Fuck...This is messed up, isn’t it!?
Why am I like this...!? Kuh...
ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー
Translation notes
(1) わけない or ‘wake nai’ is a tricky one, because the two possible meanings it has are polar opposites. Either it means ‘easily/easy’ or ‘there’s no way’. Although in the latter case, ‘wake ga nai’ is more commonly used.
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Tedious Joys - Chapter 2 -
- Ao3 link -
“If you want A-Jue at this time of day, he’ll be at the training field,” Lao Nie said, standing up and immediately striding off in that direction. “Oh, and Qiren, I will warn you – he has his mother’s height.”
Lan Qiren rolled his eyes as he followed behind. “That’s helpful information,” he remarked. “Right up until you recall that I have never had the pleasure of meeting his mother –”
He stopped talking and stared.
“I didn’t think a further explanation was necessary,” Lao Nie said. He wasn’t quite at the level of sniggering into his sleeve, but he certainly had a shit-eating grin. Lao Nie was not a short man by any standard, although he was squatter, more muscular and more broad-shouldered than the tall and slender Lan sect – and yet…
“He’s under ten,” Lan Qiren checked, and Lao Nie nodded. “You’re sure.”
“I was present at the birth myself, and have cared for him ever since. And before you ask, I may be busy with my duties as sect leader, but I still feel like I would have noticed someone swapping him out for a child several years older.”
Lan Qiren squinted out at the training field, where a child (and it was a child, given the amount of baby fat in his cheeks, even if the overall size was more what he’d expect of a teenager) was happily dismembering a training dummy with an especially fearsome-looking saber under the tolerant supervisory gaze of the training master.
“Lao Nie,” Lan Qiren finally said. “About that first wife of yours…you would tell me if she were an actual giant – or a goddess –”
Lao Nie laughed and patted him on the back. He did not answer the question.
“A-Jue! Come here!” he shouted, and Nie Mingjue – demonstrating excellent discipline – completed his strike before turning around and trotting over to his father. “Say hello to Teacher Lan.”
“Teacher Lan,” Nie Mingjue said obediently, saluting properly like every small child introduced to a stranger, and then looked up. A smile suddenly spread over his face. “Oh, Teacher Lan! Fighting without permission is prohibited!”
Lan Qiren choked and Lao Nie burst out laughing.
“That was seven years ago,” Lan Qiren protested, and Lao Nie only howled more. “You were an infant. How do you even remember that?”
“It was interesting!” Nie Mingjue beamed. “You said that every word in the rule is like a principle – even if you have the rule, you have to agree on what it means. What counts as fighting, what counts as permission, what counts as prohibited…I use it lots!”
“He has a good memory,” Lao Nie said, wiping his eyes. “You should hear how many profanities he’s learned.”
“I would rather not,” Lan Qiren said hastily, because Nie Mingjue looked on the verge of volunteering to recite them. “Nie Mingjue, can you show me around?”
“Of course, Teacher Lan! Let me just put Baxia away first; I’m not allowed to carry her outside the training field yet. Unless there’s an accident, of course.”
Lan Qiren did not ask. As a sect leader who did not share a border with Qishan Wen, he didn’t think he had the right.
“Take your time,” he said, putting his hands behind his back and watching as Nie Mingjue ran away.
“Would it help to have me there?” Lao Nie asked, and nodded when Lan Qiren shook his head. “I’ll leave you two to it.”
Lan Qiren did not put forward any requests, curious to see where Nie Mingjue would take him, and was reluctantly charmed by the fact that their first destination was the nursery, where several pudgy toddlers of indeterminable age were sleeping.
“My baby brother,” Nie Mingjue explained, very seriously, inadvertently driving home that the fact that he was as tall as Lan Qiren’s elbow didn’t make him any older than he was. “He’s little.”
Lan Qiren couldn’t even tell which one of the indiscriminate toddlers wrapped in blankets was meant to be Nie Huaisang, but he nodded, and Nie Mingjue led him onwards, initially mostly silent with belated shyness but eventually coaxed into chattering.
In the evening, he returned to Lao Nie’s study.
“Well?” Lao Nie asked, face creased into the scowl he had on more often than not, despite being widely considered one of the more even-tempered Nie. “What do you think?”
“I think your son is a bright and enthusiastic boy,” Lan Qiren said. “With a remarkable sense of justice and morality that will serve him well, although maybe not so much in terms of politics. He’s very…straightforward.”
“Yes, well, I’m still holding out hope on A-Sang for the tact,” Lao Nie said. “That wasn’t my question and you know it.”
Lan Qiren tried to collect his thoughts. “I don’t think you’ve damaged him for life,” he finally said, and Lao Nie’s shoulders relaxed in a sudden exhalation of what was probably months of increasing stress. “I do think he would benefit from understanding a little bit more about what’s happening to him.”
“But he’s so young.”
“I know. Normally, I wouldn’t introduce the subject of his own mortality at this level of complexity this early – although I assume it’s hard for him to miss the concept entirely, given the political situation –” Lao Nie winced in acknowledgment. “– but I don’t think you have much of a choice. You’re not the only one who noticed the saber spirit.”
Lao Nie frowned, then understood, and frowned even deeper. “He’s noticed it?”
“I got him talking on the subject of his saber,” Lan Qiren said. “He regards it in the same manner as other children his age would an imaginary friend. It’s female, apparently.”
Based on the description, Baxia also had what he would, in one of his students, term a personality. He supposed it was possible that Nie Mingjue was just projecting the parts of himself that weren’t quite fit for company, since surely no one could be that earnest, and yet, based on what Lao Nie had told him…
Lao Nie groaned and put his hand to his head. “Jiwei didn’t develop a sense of gender for years,” he grumbled, and Lan Qiren was moderately certain that he hadn’t intended to admit that out loud. “This is ridiculous. I want him to live a good life, Qiren. A long one, insofar as that’s possible for our sect.”
“I’ll try to do some research,” Lan Qiren said. “In the meantime, could he be convinced to cultivate something else in addition to a saber? Music, perhaps?”
“You’re welcome to try. He’s practically tone-deaf.”
“Perhaps arrays, then, or talismans,” Lan Qiren said. “It would do him some good to find another thing to pour all that energy of his into.”
“I’ll think about it,” Lao Nie allowed. “And I appreciate any research you’re able to do, though of course there are limitations on your time – and what we can allow to be taken out of the Unclean Realm.”
Lan Qiren waved a hand. “It’s nothing. I enjoy keeping busy, and the subject is fascinating. Have you considered that regular visits by me might draw attention?”
Attention from within their sects they could handle, but they were both sect leaders – or acting sect leader, in Lan Qiren’s case – and their actions could never truly be wholly their own.
“I have a plan for that,” Lao Nie said. “It’ll work better if you don’t know about it, though.”
Lan Qiren hated plans like that.
“Very well,” he said, aware that he sounded like he was sulking. “If you must.”
“Could I send him to you next year?” Lao Nie asked, and Lan Qiren forgot his grumpiness to gape at him. “I wouldn’t impose this year, naturally, since you must already have a curriculum planned. But next year…”
“If you send him, that will be making a statement,” Lan Qiren said.
A statement about what, exactly, he did not know, but there was a major difference between being the sort of teacher that was respected enough to teach the sect heirs of some small, out-of-the-way sects and being entrusted with the childhood education of the heir to a Great Sect. Even if Nie Mingjue learned nothing, which seemed unlikely given his earnest performance from earlier, the other small sects would immediately want to follow suit, as if to rub off some of the same luck for themselves – he would be flooded with applicants.
His sect elders were going to hate it.
Although it wasn’t exactly against any of the rules…
“That’s why I’m asking your permission.” Lao Nie grinned at him, his teeth flashing white under his nearly trimmed beard. “Also, while you’re our guest here – you did plan to stay at least a week or two, right? Good, good. I will insist upon you joining me for some night-hunts.”
“Lao Nie…”
“I’ve explained to you how my sect cultivates our sabers. Are you really saying that you can judge that without seeing it happening?”
“You know perfectly well that I’m a weak fighter,” Lan Qiren said, even though that was a very good point, and one he probably would have insisted on himself sooner or later. “I don’t want to slow you down.”
“You never have,” Lao Nie said right to his face – the Nie sect did not discourage all lying, the scoundrels. “I’m serious! You’re not the fastest, no, but you’re perceptive, analytical, and creative. The insights I gain from hunting by your side are long-term gains, making me faster and more efficient in the future.”
“You’re flattering me,” Lan Qiren said suspiciously.
“I am not. The first time we went on a night-hunt together, you stopped by the river to rest and told me about how the flowers growing there were unique because they absorbed spiritual energy but not resentful energy on account of being too close to flowing water; three years later, I used that fact to find a gigantic nest of ghosts and demonic creatures that were using it as camouflage. They’d killed nearly a dozen villagers by that point and no one else could find them, but I did.”
Lan Qiren felt his ears heating up. “…that’s a coincidence.”
“Do you really want me to start naming other examples?”
“I would rather you showed me your library,” Lan Qiren said. He hoped he wasn’t blushing. He was probably blushing. No one else ever teased him the way Lao Nie did, except maybe Cangse Sanren. He was suddenly hit by a nostalgic desire to see her again. “At once, if you please. And also…”
He trailed off.
“Why the hesitation?” Lao Nie asked. “Do you really think there’s anything I would deny you, as long as you find a way to help my son?”
Lan Qiren cleared his throat. “It would be helpful if I could examine a more mature saber spirit that has already bonded to a human master. Your Jiwei, for instance.”
As he expected, Lao Nie scowled at the suggestion of someone else examining his spiritual weapon – and his saber spirit, no less – but after a few moments he collected himself and nodded, albeit begrudgingly. “I’ll leave her with you,” he said. “Be careful when you examine her – she doesn’t like to be touched by anyone but me.”
Lao Nie’s warning turned out to be both true, untrue, and an understatement of frankly shocking proportions.
During the course of Lan Qiren’s investigations into the subject of the Nie sect sabers over the next few months, and thereafter, he determined that the best, if not only, way to deal with Jiwei was to act as though he were handling a particularly vicious and single-minded dog.
Jiwei, it seemed, liked to bite.
If one treated her like a normal saber – an inert piece of metal – she would appear completely quiescent right up until there would be an abrupt and inexplicable accident, clattering off the table with the blade curving straight at clothing and flesh, and only very quick reflexes could prevent disaster. If one attempted to utilize spiritual energy with her, it would be even worse: she would pull as much as she could and feed back nothing, spiteful and ruthless.
A vicious creature, too quick to judge, loyal only to her master, who she loved.
A bit like Lao Nie, in fact. Lan Qiren did not delude himself into mistaking Lao Nie’s passion for righteousness – Nie Mingjue was righteous, a serious child that was always wondering what was right, while Lao Nie was more inclined towards brutal, even callous, practicality that focused on what benefited him and his sect. He would do good, of course, but he could not be forced into it; he had his pride, his temper, and sometimes he erred too much in favor of those over even common sense.
But despite all his rough edges, he did truly love his friends.
He dragged Lan Qiren all over Qinghe whenever he visited, on night-hunts and to resolve minor conflicts, the sort of thing any normal traveling cultivator might do; he showed him the small towns and the hidden cities that Lan Qiren would not have seen on any normal visit, and asked him to play songs for his little family. Nie Huaisang was enraptured by the music, Nie Mingjue largely indifferent – Lao Nie had not been wrong to call him practically tone-deaf – and Lao Nie beaming all the while, even if Lan Qiren suspected that his eldest son’s lack of musical appreciation had largely come from him.
He even, after a stray comment, managed to track down Cangse Sanren, who brought her husband and son to the Unclean Realm and left them in Nie Mingjue’s earnest care while she sat with the two of them, drinking liquor as if it were water to the point that even Lao Nie refused to compete with her – when his protests were eventually overridden, Lan Qiren (who drank tea, of course) was roped in to be their long-suffering judge.
It was a good night.
“Is that another thing I took from you?” He Kexin unexpectedly asked Lan Qiren a week after Lao Nie had publicly announced that he would be sending Nie Mingjue to the Cloud Recesses for Lan Qiren’s classes. The ensuing hubbub, as Lan Qiren expected, had been enormous, and he’d braced himself to discuss nothing else for months, although he hadn’t really expected her to mention it.
The Cloud Recesses separated men and women, and He Kexin had borne two sons; they were old enough by now to live primarily with the men rather than the women, and so they had entered Lan Qiren’s care. He brought them to visit her once a month, and came himself like clockwork every two weeks in between to update her as to their progress, his eyes fixed firmly above her head as he narrated the report as if he were a junior returning from a night-hunt. It was not her fault that his brother had fallen in love with her and ruined Lan Qiren’s life, but it had been her decision to murder a man that had served as the trigger for the situation; Lan Qiren was meticulous about his duty to her as his sister-in-law, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. Or her.
By this point, she was moderately good at respecting that. In the beginning, she’d cursed him viciously every time he came to see her, especially after he’d provided her with definitive proof of her former friend’s lies and machinations. Later, she’d tried flirting with him out of what he could only assume was boredom or perhaps a willful misunderstanding as to why he still visited, assuming that he had perfidious motivations or shared his brother’s taste in women instead of suffering from an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for his brother’s misdeeds. It had taken him several months and, eventually, an explicit offer to even notice, and he’d nearly broken his neck fleeing from the scene.
“I don’t understand what you mean,” he said, still looking above her head instead of at her face. He Kexin had A-Huan’s smile and A-Zhan’s eyes, he knew that, but if he could scrub all of her other features from his mind, he would.
“Sect Leader Nie,” she said, and it was so odd to hear someone refer to Lao Nie by his formal title outside of a political situation or deliberate insult – even Wen Ruohan habitually called him Lao Nie by now, and as far as Lan Qiren could tell, they despised each other – that Lan Qiren’s eyes actually dropped to meet hers. “If you weren’t sect leader, you could’ve married him.”
Lan Qiren choked on air. “Do you think of nothing but sex all day?” he spat out, his cheeks going red. “We are friends.”
“I don’t have much else to think of,” He Kexin said, and he glared as if to communicate whose fault is that and maybe in your next life you won’t solve your problems with murder. “I heard you’ve been spending a lot of time with him, and now he’s sending his son to your care. It’s suggestive.”
“Talking behind the backs of others is forbidden,” Lan Qiren reminded her, and she shrugged. “Do I need to discipline your servants?”
“It’s news, not gossip,” she said. “And no, these ones are fine. No one’s playing any tricks.”
There had been an incident early on, where a few of the servants assigned to care for He Kexin had mistaken her confinement for abandonment; they had not expected Lan Qiren to grimly continue visiting as he would have done if she had been his sister-in-law in the normal course of things, nor to listen when she complained. He had of course taken all necessary measures to have the offenders harshly disciplined and expelled, replaced with servants of good character and sufficient intelligence to keep her company without seeking to take advantage, and there had been no new incidents since.
Her punishment was confinement, not torment. No matter what Lan Qiren felt about her, she would receive exactly that – neither more nor less.
“Is it Cangse Sanren, then?” she asked, propping her head up on her chin. “You fell in love with her, and then she married another man…”
“Sometimes people are just friends,” he said, irritated. “Why must I be in love with anyone?”
He Kexin shrugged. “Don’t you want to marry, one day? Have children of your own, rather than always reporting back to me on mine?”
“I’m acting sect leader,” Lan Qiren said tightly. “A marriage, much less children, would give rise to accusations that I was seeking to usurp my brother’s place or my nephews’ inheritance.”
“So it is another thing I’ve done,” she said, looking down at her hands. They were clenched tightly into fists, her knuckles white; sometimes Lan Qiren thought she wanted to punch him as a means of venting her feelings, and sometimes he didn’t even blame her for it. “I had only been thinking about it in the sense that you couldn’t leave, but you can’t even bring anyone back.”
“I don’t especially want to, anyway,” he said, because it was true. Even if she was right, that even his right to marry freely had been taken from him, it didn’t mean that she had the right to use it as a whip on her own back. If Lan Qiren couldn’t bring himself to obey the rule about not holding grudges, he could at least follow the ones about being generous and easy on others. “I haven’t found the right person.”
“And it’s really not Lao Nie?” He Kexin asked. “You go to visit him often, and for longer periods, than you go anywhere else, and A-Huan says you look happy whenever you’re going to go.”
Lan Qiren shrugged. He was happy to go. He enjoyed Lao Nie’s company, and the research, even when Lao Nie was too busy for him personally, and Lao Nie’s role as an allied sect leader meant that Lan Qiren had more latitude in arranging such visits than he did to other places.
“…A-Zhan says that your hands are white when you return.”
Lan Qiren’s eyes dropped to his arms, where there was in fact some white peeking out from beneath his sleeves – white bandages on his left wrist and the two smallest fingers on his right hand, this time, from the latest incident in which Jiwei had tried to slash him, but it was barely a nick in comparison with previous instances; he thought that it was a sign that they might be getting somewhere.
A moment later, he realized the implications of her statement and glared at her. “You’re not seriously asking if Lao Nie is abusing me? Weren’t you asking about my marriage prospects with him only a moment ago?”
“The two are not mutually exclusive,” she said dryly. “And the Nie temper is well known.”
“It’s from research,” Lan Qiren said. “I dropped a saber and I knocked over the table on to my other hand when trying to dodge.”
“I believe you,” she said, lips twitching. “If only because you would’ve come up with a more dignified excuse if it was a lie.”
“I don’t actually have to explain myself to you,” he said, reminding himself as much as her. “Is there anything else you want to know about your sons?”
“No,” she said. “But I’d like my husband to visit me again, if you can arrange it.”
He nodded stiffly.
“You know,” she said, playing idly with her sleeves. “If you never marry, I’ll be the closest thing you ever have to a wife? You manage my house, you raise my children, and you even provide me with services in bed, albeit indirectly.”
Do not succumb to rage, Lan Qiren thought to himself, and left without another word.
(Later, when Cangse Sanren next visited the Cloud Recesses, her husband taking A-Huan on a ride on their donkey with A-Zhan and A-Ying tucked into the saddlebags, she listened to him stammer through the whole humiliating story and gnashed her teeth on his behalf. “Don’t listen to her,” she told him. “By that standard, the rabbits she likes to raise are her concubines.”)
His simmering anger made his next session with Jiwei flow more easily, almost as if the saber spirit empathized with his rage – or perhaps it was simply that she found it more familiar, more reminiscent of the temper of her true master, and therefore less objectionable. He was attempting to draw out some part of her anger through music and store it into a jade pendant: his theory was that the eventual qi deviations of the Nie sect leaders resulted from a lack of balance with the resentful energy utilized by the saber spirit – the negative emotions streaming in through the saber, strengthening it, but having no means of cleansing beyond outbursts of temper.
It had been the way Nie Mingjue spoke of his saber spirit as if she were his friend that had given him the idea. Many in the Nie sect treated their sabers with both reverence and fear, as if the spirits were vicious creatures they had only temporarily tamed and which would one day turn upon them, but Jiwei was passionately loyal to Lao Nie, and Baxia to Nie Mingjue. Perhaps it was his inheritance as a Lan showing, or merely his own experience with his brother, but Lan Qiren simply could not understand how anything that loved so unstintingly, so unreservedly, could ever bring themself to intentionally bring about their beloved one’s destruction.
Even a dog would refuse to bite a master it loved unless it had gone mad.
Therefore, he concluded, it was not merely the human wielder but the saber itself that deviated in their cultivation. Lao Nie had once said in an aside that it was unclear what came first, the Nie sect tempers or the saber spirit-incited outbursts, and although he had meant it as a joke, Lan Qiren thought there was some merit to the question. Rage served a valuable purpose for humans, acting as a warning sign that something was wrong, that something was unacceptable, rejection and protection all at once, but rage that could not be excised would turn rancid and sour, like a poisoned wound. Sabers were cultivated by their masters and resembled them – they were filled with human rage, intensified by their cultivation of resentful energy, but unlike a human they could not shout or hit something or vent in any way other than through hunting.
No wonder Jiwei was so content after a night-hunt; no wonder Nie sect cultivators got irritable when they hadn’t had time to cultivate their sabers or fight evil or just get out and do something. But with limited venting opportunities (humans could not fight evil all the time), the sabers would fall into obsession, infected by the very same resentful energy that they excised when they hunted – their bloodlust simultaneously sated and inflamed – and as their power grew, and their true opponents grew fewer, they would become insatiable and, eventually, unbalanced. Demonic cultivation was abhorred by the cultivation world because it opened the door to obsession and fixation, and the most common way that demonic cultivators died, if not executed by the world, was through a backlash of their own power. Obsession was by its nature rigid, and that was the sole weakness of the saber: they had to be rigid, but never too rigid, or else they would become brittle, would break.
Deviation.
It was a very interesting theory, even if Lao Nie’s eyes glazed over whenever Lan Qiren tried to explain. Lan Qiren didn’t take offense: Lao Nie had always been an exceptionally practical man, more interested in results than theories, actions rather than thoughts.
“Aren’t you disappointed?” Lan Qiren asked him at one point, abrupt as he always seemed to be about such things. “That I haven’t gotten anywhere?”
Lao Nie looked surprised. “What do you mean? You have a valid theory, you’ve tried all sorts of things.”
“I haven’t succeeded.”
Lao Nie laughed. “My friend, this is a problem that has stymied my sect for generations. Did you really think you’d be able to solve it in three weeks?”
Lan Qiren scowled. “It’s been closer to three years.”
“You’ve made progress,” Lao Nie said confidently. “A-Jue has as solid a foundation as I could hope for, and all those conversations you have with him about the nature of ethics and morality have had an excellent effect on his saber.”
“Has it?” Lan Qiren asked, skeptical. Even the Nie sect experts agreed that Baxia was unusually vicious for a saber, powerful enough to frighten wild yao simply with her presence – Nie Mingjue’s cultivation remained shockingly fast, and even Lan Qiren, who had only a few years understanding of the saber spirits, could recognize the effects of it.
“It has,” Lao Nie said firmly. “He doesn’t fear her, and she loves him all the more for it, backs him like none other; no other saber of his generation will so much as waver out of line with Baxia behind them. As for the rest…ah, Qiren, if you can figure out a way to stymie the saber spirit even a little – give him even another decade – I’ll be satisfied. Don’t worry about it.”
Lan Qiren huffed and returned to trying to transfer spiritual energy from Jiwei to the pendant.
“Besides, all this time spent on the project has had at least one good effect,” Lao Nie added, putting his hand on Lan Qiren’s shoulder as he played. “I get the pleasure of your company.”
Lan Qiren’s attention was fixed on his playing, but the hand was warm on his shoulder. “That hardly seems so much of a benefit,” he said absently.
“You underestimate yourself. Do you know, outside of my sect, I think you’re my best friend?”
Only years of training allowed Lan Qiren’s fingers to continue to move smoothly over the guqin strings when his heart seized in his chest, warm and hot and squished and painful and pleasurable at the same time.
He did not allow himself to ask “Really?” like a small child, insecure and uncertain, did not permit himself to say “even above my brother”, did not say anything at all.
“Thank you,” he finally said, stiff and wooden. “I…you as well.”
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Stuff I do to keep in touch with my spirituality...
There are lots of things we can do to keep us close and in touch with our spirituality, it all depends on what we personaly like , and of course on what our path, beliefs, and approach looks like.
Some may prefer quick little things on a daily basis, while others may prefer to do more complicated stuff every now and then. Some may prefer to communicate with deities, angels, or spirit guides, while others may prefer to take a secular or atheistic path. Some may focus on obtaining things like money, a house, nice clothes, while others may focus on obtaining spiritual alignment, connecting to source, or expanding their consciousness. That's why, the things each of us do, will look completely different and that is okay.
But in this post, I wanted to share with you some things that I do (or did at some point) that help me stay in touch with my spirituality. Maybe it could inspire you to start doing some of them or to come up with your own.
Being gentle with my natural rhythm: I cannot even begin to tell you how important this is for me, I've tried waking up at 5 to exercise and be productive, but it always felt like torture. When I decided to let my body dictate my daily rhythm things felt so much better. After a while of letting my body and my energy levels guide me, I discovered a thing called "Ayurvedic Clock" and my rhythm was so in sync with it. (I'll be doing a post about it soon). I now wake up at 7 but get out of bed at 7:30. My days officially begin at 10am, when I go for a walk with my dog and have breakfast. It is not until 12am or so that I begin to do school/work stuff. So, in conclusion, living in harmony with my body's natural rhythm has helped me tremendously in so many aspects.
Soothing and caring for my ego: I love my ego, I am grateful for having an ego because I understand that the only thing it wants is to keep me safe. So I treat it with love and compassion, every time it gets scared, has doubts, or negative thoughts, I let it know that is okay, that we are safe. I don't see the ego as an enemy, it is just a scared little friend that needs understanding, love, and reassurance. I don't have to kill my ego, I just have to calm it down with love.
Meditating with crystals: or just holding crystals in general, to me crystals are a powerful way to get myself into my desired state. If I want to be optimistic I take a piece of citrine, if I want to be true to myself I hold a piece of amazonite, if I want to do something that scares me I take with me a piece of carnelian. For me, the simple act of holding a crystal already puts me in a different mental state/ frequency.
Daily divination: Through divination, I feel connected to source energy and to akashic energy (will also be doing a post about akashic records pretty soon). Daily divination makes me feel like a messenger of the universe. And I can use those messages to guide me, pulling just one or two cards helps me go through my day much more confidently.
Listening to positive music: I used to listen to a lot of sad-angry metal, and I still LOVE that type of music. But I realised that the more I listened to it, the more I unconsciously began to think in the same way; I was hopeless, sad, angry. Changing the type of music I listen to on a daily basis has had a huge impact on my overall mood and approach to life. I now listen only to music with positive, uplifting, and loving messages. The sad angry music I let it for very rare and very specific situations.
Sunbathing for at least 15 minutes: Used to hate the sun, never got out of my house and if I did I would always try to avoid the sunlight. But when I began to embrace the warmth and beauty of the sun, something within me changed for the better. Now, sunny days make me feel so happy and positive, with a lot of energy and enthusiasm. (I actually think I may have had a vitamin D deficiency, and that's why the change was so drastic 😂). But anyway, I now love the sun so much that I even want to move to LA.
Recording and listening to my own affirmations: I loved affirmations since the first time I knew about them, but the ones I would find on YouTube wouldn't resonate with me that much. When I started writing and recording my own, things clicked. Listening to my own affirmations in a loop while meditating has been an absolute pristine way to change my beliefs and assumptions.
Scripting: I haven't done it in a while. But when I did it daily at the end and at the beginning of the day, my mood and reactions to things would match that of what I wrote. I always scripted stuff like "I am so grateful that my days are full of positivity, love, and light". And that's what I would experience, if something happened people around me (and I) would always react with love and had a positive mindset.
Sleeping more hours: I love sleeping, what can I say? On average I sleep from 8 to 10 hours 😂. It not only makes my body and my mind feel well-rested, or makes my whole mood better. But it also helps me feel connected to source and to other astral planes, and levels of consciousness. I used to communicate with Poseidon through dreams a lot. I also love to lucid dream and to analyse my dreams to decipher any messages that could be in them. A lot of my magic happens in my head, and dreams are a way for me to tap into that magic.
Drinking more water: If I don't drink enough water my whole body resents it. My head hurts, I get nauseous, I got no energy. And how am I supposed to be spiritual if I physically don't feel well?. I sometimes have to force myself to drink water, because if I don't I could go the whole day without having had a single sip, and that is not good.
Talking out loud as if someone or something was there: I don't know, I may be the only one, but I feel like talking out loud kinda gives me a bigger perspective of things. Like it's no longer just my ego thinking of a solution, but source itself (or a specific god) manifesting through what I say, offering me a solution. (I will also be doing a post about this). Talking out loud to nowhere makes me feel witchy and magical for some reason, although it may look crazy to others 😂.
Letting my emotions flow like the ocean: If there's something I learnt from Poseidon is that, resisting the waves of my emotions will just crash me down, but instead riding the waves will help me grow and learn. (especially emotions like sadness and anger). And with this, I don't mean just giving in to whatever I'm feeling, but instead accepting it and letting it be there for a long as it needs to. By doing this those feelings usually go away pretty quickly and I feel so much better after a few minutes or hours.
Keeping my space clean: This has a huge impact on my mental health. If my space is all messy and dirty that's how I feel inside, if, on the contrary, my space is clean and organised it manifests as positivity, will, productivity, and happiness.
Removing myself from unwanted situations and conversations: I don't mean this in the sense of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable, but rather consciously removing myself from situations and conversations that don't bring anything valuable to the table. Like for example, gossip. Or conversations full of negativity. Or stuff like getting drunk for no reason at all. If it doesn't bring anything valuable to me and my development, then I don't want to be a part of it.
Living from the heart/love: This is something I'm still working on, living from love. Making sure everything I do and say is coming from love. For example, exercising because I love my body and I want it to stay healthy and strong, instead of exercising because I hate the way my body looks and I want it to be skinnier. Changing my mindset and my approach to things to one of love hasn't been easy, but it is something crucial to me so I'm gonna keep working on it.
#Conscious Souls
Eclectic Souls
#eclectic souls original content#witch community#witches of tumblr#spiritual awareness#spiritual awakening#paganism#self development#Conscious Souls
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Are you going to continue the game? It's literally the most beautiful piece of art I've played
Hello;ззз
Yes! I still work on them - so many worries with commissions and personal projects (which is just gorgeous - there is nothing better than meeting wonderful people and being able to create something special - both for myself and for them), but I try to do something every day something especially for Secunda - although I don't always have the courage and energy to show it to someone else. I have a few things I want to share - and before I was eaten by uncertainty and anxiety, but I plucked up the courage to get down to business.
There is ... A small part of Tizian - he, like the rest of the heroes, lives his own life and changes in his own way, and I hope to make for each of them clothing options for each occasion - which depend on their occupations, and state of mind, and position in the world.
And I also have a few words about the visions of Tizian and the Archon (I hope that I will be able to answer a few past questions;з) - although, rather, about their common past, and about Cybele as an invariable part of his story, about feelings and concerns which will haunt him both until the very moment of their meeting, and will remain, hanging between them, much longer.
Titian loves the Archon - who else? Who else was with him in the crushing cold, whose company was dearest to him than anyone else during his long travels after which he remained gray and exhausted? Whose words and knowledge were open secrets for him, the source of the old and dark, like his soul, but still so distant, witchcraft?
Tizian treats his soulmate with such adoration and infinite respect that he is only capable of - and for him this love is natural, like breathing, it is as close to his heart, his insides, as the blood that flows in him. He would offer the Archon whatever they would like to take, and his devotion is endless.
But Tizian is not so gentle and simple to accept the gifts of Cybele without hesitation - he is closer to her than many others, he understands and knows about her passions and games, and although he has no choice but to trust his gloomy patron, he knows better. He knows that Cybele is not always gentle with her children - and very few people were gentle with Tizian, and that her gifts can be as much a curse as a blessing.
When Tizian met the Archon for the first time, it was like a dream - the most stunning and gentle in his life, but still a dream. They were flawless in many things - in their gloom, darkness of soul, power of art, in how high they look and how sharp their eyes are. He saw in them a gift of the night after a long journey, relief from burdens and a pleasant memory - he looked at them like the sun, could not stop admiring their view and listen to their language, which he did not know, but understood.
Tizian's soulmate in his eyes is an exact reflection of his mistress - his desires and fears, all his world and struggles in one person. They were so changeable with him - soft and affectionate one moment, dangerous and sharp the next. They were power - over life, over the world, over own demons and gloom, which he had been looking for all his life. Things for which he crossed thousands of leagues, crossed thousands of fields - both gold and crimson, were given to the Archon easily - from the birthright, from talents, from the world in which they lived for so many years.
He did not remember when he met them in his dreams for the first time - this meeting was subtle, so natural, as if they had already known each other for millennia. They were a ghost in his eyes - something that you see every day out of the corner of your eye, he did not recognize in them anything more than a sweet fantasy - about a person strong and powerful, but so gentle and attentive to him. He did not recognize them. He saw nothing more in them than a half-asleep glimpse of consciousness, heavy from insomnia.
They met in hundreds of different places - sometimes he invited them to his tent, where they read their volumes to each other, sometimes - they sat in front of the steppe fire on such a beautiful starry night, and shared wine from one goblet. Sometimes they walked in the cities - those he had visited and those that were unfamiliar to him, and they were all invariably empty and submissive to them. Sometimes the cold of the north opened up to him - the impenetrable dances of white glass, but even then he and the Archon were a haven of silence and warmth to each other. It has always been travel - ships among the Black Sea, the ruins of the old world, foggy forests and the frosty air of the mountains. They were lovers one night, and sworn enemies the next - but always invariably close, as if the whole world revolved only for the two of them.
He took and kept his pleasures zealously and thoughtlessly - but each of them has its own price, and one day he realized that the gift, so beautiful and precious, was not his own dreams - but visions of a goddess, dark and ancient as the night itself, like love itself. He was like her - changeable and passionate, bright and crushingly seductive, but so deceptively gentle, sharp and dangerous.
Cybele is the mistress of the most intimate gifts, but, like the night itself, her gifts do not always bring happiness - and her visions of black mares become a portent of both great love and inevitable death. Tizian did not believe and did not rely on these visions - and no matter how sweet, crushing dream his soulmate was, his mind was drowned in fear and calculation. Tizian does not trust either the Archon or Cybele - he invariably needs them, like breathing, but goes only on his own path - he saw how dangerous the cunning of his mistress, and how crushingly furious on some days his love.
He reached for them like a birds to the sun, and loved them as much as a knife loves a heart - and in an empty, broken and warped world - the worlds of new and old witchcraft, he was lonely and dangerous in his detachment, but he found order for himself, found a destination. He did not know what the North predicted for him - but he was ready to accept his fate as he always did - fiercely and greedily, desperately and invariably deceiving. Whether they turn out to be on the same side or not, whether a soulmate loves or hates him, it is no longer so important for him - after all, he was never against becoming a villain in his stories.
#tizian#secunda#visual novel#devlog#tizian x archon#archon#imagine#dark fantasy#gothic#x reader#Cybele#ask#headcanons#yandere#male character
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