scars are normal. scars are a physical proof of your body’s ability to heal. scars make it known that you’re alive. you’re marked by life. the raised scars, the keloids, the scars people stare at you for. they’re a visual map of your life & nothing more. scars have no morality scars don’t reflect on the morality of your existence. media loves to portray scars on monsters and villains and leave the heroes to be unmarred, but that narrative does not apply to real life. you’re a whole human being worthy of being seen, loved, respected.

the magic begins, when...

you start to say 'no'

you start to put yourself first

you start to treat & see yourself as the queen you are

When I post a picture of myself I generally make sure that I look my best. What's with the horror of not looking beautiful? I have BDD. I struggle with the way my hair looks on a daily basis, I have acne and flaws on my skin. I'm scared to go outside barefaced and use hairclips to keep my hair in place. I feel insecure about my crooked assymetrical smile and mostly feel like one side of my face looks  bad compared to the other side. I struggle with feeling ugly and flawed. But I'm also very tired of pretending, wearing this mask of what is deemed conventially pretty. So what if I'm not "pretty". Appearance doesn't define my actual worth. I've actually been thinking about posting pictures I don't like of myself. Showing what I look like on one of my worse skin days, showing more unflattering angles. Just to stick a middle finger in the air to my insecurities, to feeling trapped in my own body and my desires of being percieved as an attractive person. I'm scared though. I'm afraid of looking at my face and hating what I see. I'm afraid of showing that exactly to others. But not always trying to be perfect would be a good start. Even in very small ways.

ugh I'm so fat... I keep telling myself to not eat but then I see my favorite meals and I can't help it... I'm starting to worry that I will never be able to lose weight again as it's just too much effort, time and willpower...

The last time I lost a lot of weight which was from my medical condition prolactinoma was in spring 2016 (April to July) but it was drastic and it was due to working out a lot at the gym and being on a drug called cabergoline that increased my physical activity (bodybuilders use it to work out at the gym)...

After covid I gained back so much weight because of staying home and being physically inactive. This drug doesn't work on me anymore so I'm back to being like before having the side effects... which means that I have lower energy and motivation for gym workouts ugh... seems like I don't lose a lot of weight lately too, it's just a little bit... but it's normal for people with prolactinoma and thyroid issues to have huge problems with weight gain so why am I even surprised... Sure, I can lose weight but I haven't really found a way to maintain it for long and never gain weight again...

As I said before I hate my body... I tried to accept it a few year ago and pretend that I don't care but I can't... I feel like the ugliest chick lately.

Sidenote: I've been thin too or thinner than now but even when I was thin people would still not consider me thin by 21st century standards so it's really frustrating... I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Not getting people's validation sucks...

Reflections of a Muddled Mind

Most people on a weight-release diet believe that when they “look better” (meaning weigh less) they will feel better about how they look. And while this can sometimes be true, at least for a time, the exact opposite is always true. Have you ever noticed that the better you feel, the better you look? I look amazing when I am on vacation! I feel lighter, have a spring in my step, and a smile on…

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Stretch marks are normal. Cellulite is normal. That place on the abdomen that doesn't lie flat is normal. Pimples are normal. Body hair is normal. Wrinkles are normal. You do not owe the world a version of you that is free of these things.

So, my dietitian and I do workbook style things during our sessions sometimes and just finished this book. I 10/10 recommend it to anyone who struggles with body image/self love. It really has helped me change my relationship with my body and how I treat/view it. It's all writing prompts that spark curiosity about your body and emotions. (And, for my non-binary/trans/male followers, I found it to be friendly for me and not just directed at cis females) We're about to start a new book which is all art prompts instead of writing prompts that I'm really excited about (because ART!) so, as I go through that one, I'll post a little about how/if I like it.

daily reminder, food is not your enemy, the number on scale doesn't define you as a person, the size of your clothing has nothing to do with your personality, and if you struggle with ed, recovery, body image issues or body dysmorphia, i hope it will pass and one day it will become a distant memory for us.

*through tears* I BELONG HERE. ON THIS EARTH AMONG OTHERS. I BELONG JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON. I DESERVE TO BE ALIVE. I AM JUST AS GOOD AND BAD AS EVERYONE ELSE. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. I DESERVE TO BE FREE.

feel it to heal it, loves 🍵

Your Body is Your BFF!

Your body is your best fucking friend! Learn to love it like your best friend.

Recently I was thrilled and delighted to be a guest on my favorite podcast, The Spiritual Sandbox! The high-vibe hosts of this uplifting show are Jill Lebeau LMFT, Spiritual Psychotherapist & Author, and Amit West, HeartPath Guide. These women are incredible midwives for awakening souls, and we had a blast talking about how our body is truly our best fucking friend, who loves us unconditionally,…

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Just because someone you loved critiqued your body doesn't mean they were right. It's so hard not to take that shit to heart, but you really did deserve better.