I'm gonna rant for a second cause I'm pissed off.

Stop saying you are "transabeled" or "transautistic" or what ever fucking term you are using as an excuse to be ableist! I don't like hating on most people and I want to make it clear I support transgender people all the fucking way.

But being "transabeled" IS NOT A FUCKING THING!

I am a disabled wheelchair user who is also autistic! DISABILITIES ARE NOT FUN OR TRENDY! THEY FUCKING SUCK! JUST FUCKING ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PRIVILEGED! DISABLED IS NOT SOMETHING WE CHOSE! IT IS NOT FUN OR QUIRKY TO USE MOBILITY AIDS OR OTHER ACCOMODATIONS DISABLED PEOPLE NEED TO LIVE THEIR LIVES!

SOME OF US WILL NEVER HAVE A NORMAL LIFE AND SOME OF US NEVER FUCKING DID! YOU DON'T LIVE YOUR LIFE IN PAIN, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FUCKING TRAUMATIZED BY DOCTORS WHO PUT YOU ON SO MANY MEDS YOU CANT FUNCTION OR STRAIGHT UP CALLED A LIAR EVEN WHEN YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE BOTTOMS OUT!

WE CANT JUST FUCKING DECIDE TO FUNCTION ONE DAY AND NOT THE NEXT! THAT IS NOT HOW IT FUCKING WORKS! MOST OF US GO THROUGH HELL AND BACK JUST TRYING TO LIVE OUR LIVES EVERY. FUCKING. DAY!

YES I KNOW AUTISM IS A FUCKING SPECTRUM AND A LOT MORE PEOPLE ARE ON IT THEN THEY REALIZE. BUT DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH INSTEAD OF WATCHING A FEW TIK TOKS AND DECIDING TO TAKE THE LABEL FOR YOURSELF! AUTISM IS NOT A FUCKING SUPERPOWER NO MATTER WHAT THOSE "AUTISM MOMS" SAY! AND NEITHER IS ADHD. NO OUR LIVES ARE NOT TRAGEDIES BUT THEY AREN'T FUCKING EASY EITHER!

AND THOSE OF YOU USING THESE "TRANSABELED" LABELS KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T FUCKING DISABLED! YOU KNOW YOU ARE NEUROTYPICAL! YOU CANT FUCKING DECIDE TO BE DISABLED!

SAME WITH THE FUCKING "TRANSTRAUMA" BEING TRAUMATIZED IS NOT FUCKING FUN! IT SUCKS! IT DRIVES PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES AND I KNOW THAT FIRST HAND! YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE!

ALL OF THIS IS THE SAME FOR "TRANSRACIAL" GODS YOU PEOPLE NEED TO FUCKING STOP IT.

If you support this bullshit then get off of my page. Transgender people don't choose to be trans the same way disabled people don't choose to be disabled and that people don't choose their race. So shut the fuck up and fuck you to the "transabeled and transautistic" people who fake symptoms. It's not cute and you would not last a day in our shoes. Fuck you, hope you realize how fucked up all this is.

AMITA for lying to everyone I know about my identity’s as a queer/neurodivergent person?

I (18M) am a bisexual, transgender man who is also autistic, ADHD, and OCD. When people hear this about me, even if they know me, I feel like they build up this image of me as an awkward, “cringy” 11 year old who’s obsessed with “cringy” fandoms. And while i have a qualm with this because I know they are looking down on people who are just less masked/higher support needs, I also dislike that they do this because it’s just not who I am. Without the labels, I mostly seem like just a normal dude, if not a bit nerdy.

I also used to be extremely bullied as a kid (7-12) to the point of a suicide attempt, mostly due to homophobic, transphobic, or ablest remarks about me. Since then I’ve completely changed community’s and do not talk to anyone i knew before high school.

When authority figures (Teachers, Show Directors, Investors of the teen programs I lead) apply ablest/transphobic stereotypes or prejudices to me, they also tend to be less,,, normal? around me. Less kind compared to other kids, call me an “inspiration”, or they’ll coddle me when I’m incredibly capable. I do a lot for someone my age- and I know the connections I make now at conferences and whatnot will help me in the long run. My dad’s family is poor, and my immediate family is more comfortable but not that much. I know I’m smart, and I can weaponize that to get a better life for my family by getting good scholarships and jobs in good fields. I can’t just let people who could be very important to my goals look down on me. So i just.. don’t tell them anything about me. They might assume Im odd or “not normal”, and for the most part I let them assume whatever, but if i’m ever asked directly about anything I deny it. Especially in relation to me being transgender; I have the very privileged ability to pass without any medical intervention, and I use that to pretend to be cisgender. Living in the deep south of USAmerica, most of who I am could make my social life very uncomfortable to downright miserable.

Here’s where the problem starts happening. when my social and (what i consider to be a) “professional” life occasionally touch, I wouldn’t be able to be out everywhere socially without someone I don’t want knowing finding out. So i don’t tell any of my classmates/friends/peers about any of my identities either. I hang out with queer and straight people, never be actively homophobic/ablest, and will be very vague about the two questions i’ve ever received about any of that stuff. It’s very, very exhausting to pretend all the time, every day, especially pretending that I’m cisgender because it’s a tricky game, but I can’t really back down and I’m afraid that I might get bullied again if I was ever open about it with classmates.

A few months ago, I was dating this guy, who i’ll call Kai (17M) Kai is also a transgender man, but does not pass at all and is comfortable with it. He’ll get shit sometimes, but also has essentially no straight friends. I told him I was queer when we became good friends, and then told him I was trans after we started dating. I also told him why I lie about being cishet or neurotypical, and while he didn’t seem happy he didn’t push it at first. I told him that I understood if he didn’t want to be in a secret relationship, but because of where we live and what I want to do I wasn’t comfortable with being out again. He said he still wanted to date me, and claimed he would support me, and we had a pretty good relationship overall.

A month after that, he started bringing it up again. He told me that I was more than my identity, and if people didn’t see me for who I am instead of stereotypes, it isn’t worth talking to them at all. And while I agree with the sentiment, it’d never be possible to just not hear someone if they were harassing me, and while I truely dislike a lot of the authority figures that I engage with, they are in the professional fields I’m interested in, and I’m incredibly lucky for getting where I am so early. Kai also said that since I am well known in our very small school (only 300 kids), being out could be a positive influence on what people think about autistic people or trans people. In a particularly heated fight, he even said I was doing a disservice or betrayal to my community by not representing or being proud of being apart of them publicly.

We broke up pretty soon after, but I think about what he said a lot. I know that I wouldn’t be the only out person at my school, and that my school is actually a lot better compared to most local schools, which are a lot larger and… dramatic, but I just don’t think I could be out without going back to how I used to be mentally. And Kai was right about how I could be a good influence on some of the meaner classmates- I do think some of my peers who I ingenuinely connect with might reconsider their prejudices if they knew I was transgender.

I’m intentionally choosing not to take the opportunity to do better. It wouldn’t ruin ALL my relationships with the authority figures I consider to be important holding, since it would just be my school, It might dampen one or two of them. Plus, I’m lying to pretty much everyone who knows me. They build relationships with a false idea of me, and I feel like an asshole sometimes because I’m not honest.

TLDR: I’m a transgender, autistic guy in a very bigoted community. Everybody thinks i’m cishet and neurotypical. AMITA for not being proud of who I am because of potential social losses, and AMITA for lying to people and giving friends/peers false ideas about who I am even if they would not be friends with me if they knew?

What are these acronyms?

I can't believe we're having the egg prime directive debate all over again.

look, I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but it applies to me

my first boyfriend was a trans boy. I'm not gonna say his real name, so let's call him Jack. we dated in my sophomore year of high school, and at the time I thought I was a gay boy. he was the first trans person I ever met. of course I knew what being trans was, I had learned that they existed through being active in queer communities online. but everyone online felt so distant. like I could never be them.

but Jack was the first trans person who was like me: a nerdy high school kid who liked playing video games and listening to punk music and was stressed about his upcoming history paper. like a normal teenager, like me, could just be transgender. he helped me through my own dysphoria, and I came out as nonbinary, and then a trans woman a few months later early in my junior year. even though we broke up, we still remained friends and cared for each other and supported each other, being two of only a handful of trans kids at our high school.

I sometimes think how my life would be different if I never met Jack. I probably wouldn't have discovered I was transgender until much later in life, or even at all. and given that a year after I came out, the pandemic hit and I went through a major depressive phase... if I had to deal with gender dysphoria and not knowing why I was feeling that way and the stupid belief that I wasn't allowed to be trans on top of everything else... I honestly believe I wouldn't be here today.

I'm not telling you what you should say to other people. if they're a complete stranger, then obviously mind your own business. but if your friend is expressing genuine concern about their dysphoria and they feel like they don't belong in their own body, then maybe let them know that it's okay if they're trans and you'll support them instead of not saying anything.

best case scenario, you'll save their life. worst case scenario, they try transitioning and eventually realize it's not for them and they come out of it with a newfound understanding and appreciation of what it means to be transgender.

hello there! i just found your blog and i love your writing for hobie, so i’d like to request another thing for him.

would you mind doing something about a transmasc vigilante reader who tags along with hobie on patrols and late night hangouts? hobie and the reader could diy their own costumes together :) maybe reader is black cat, another spiderperson, or whatever you want to come up with. thanks in advance, and i’ll probably request again soon!

hobie brown with a transgender, vigilante reader (ftm)

RAAHH thank you so much :]

i chose for the reader to be another spidersona, probably anarchist and super cool, hope this is okay! let me know if not

warnings: unsafe binding (there’s a warning ahead)

pairing: hobie brown x transmasc!reader

requests: open ! PLEASE

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

for you and hobie to get along so well and hang out outside of missions n such, i imagine you’re a spider-man who rejected miguel’s “invitation” to spider society. this is what might have led to you becoming a vigilante who’s occasionally recruited by spider society after some begging- or you’ve just been a vigilante from day one in your dimension.

but ! who’s likely to notice such a person? hobie, obviously. you two become menaces and no one looks forward to being in a room with you. hobie destroys their faith in the constitution while you’re reinforcing everything

during missions, you make a hell of a team ! there’s somehow this real nonchalant feeling to the atmosphere even if you’re punching down baddies

banter, plenty of it back and forth while swinging about and fighting for ur life

probably makes fun of your form or something playfully, makes a comment or two about a punch you’ve thrown “you call tha’ a punch?” “Naaah, nahnahnahnahnah. watch this,” probably does worse let’s be honest, throws the dirties punch known to man but it does the trick

you’re more stealth while hobie’s way more out there, style n all that

hobie dropping in on some operation to take down the big baddies while shredding away at his electric guitar, meanwhile he’s able to see you picking off people from vantage points

whenever you’ve gotta wait about for some patrols or just observe for a night, you two will find some sorta rooftop to perch on top of and patrol from there. but the view kills

you two probably have a sort of routine: completing missions together for the spider society, hobie then tags along for some vigilante work, then you both kick back at his place once the days come to an end

chill night consists of hobie subconsciously strumming at a note occasionally on his guitar while you talk about whatever together

a lot of complaining about the institution, probably how much miguel fucking sucks

depending on ur current situation with transitioning, given that hobie knows, mans is probably the most supportive person you’ll meet

hobie lives in a society that he actively chooses to protect despite being apart of the margin of people that are still severely oppressed to terrible degrees, be it for his race or how he chooses to express himself (in my head, hobie’s also a boy kisser). so i think that he has a certain passion for protecting those minority groups. you, as a trans man, sometimes get the hobie brown special treatment.

let’s you crash at his place whenever you need it, let’s you borrow his clothes n shit if they help you feel more masculine, will give you tips n tricks that either he uses or has heard work great for presenting masculine

does your makeup if you want it, like making your face look more chisel, fake facial hair or brows more blocky- that kinda shit.

if you’re yet to go through the execution process (top surgery), hobie’s ur guy (a terrible terrible influence)

if you have a binder, good for you- hobie is going to find it and customise it for you because he’s hilarious

probably does some like web stitching into it, lil embroidered parts that match his pins or something like “hobie was here” in his clapped handwriting

this isn’t anything new, you two have this little game going on where you just steal and tag each others things for shits and giggles. his best work? punk-ifying your binders with those like spikes he has on his jackets shoulder pads

firm believer in trans men being shirtless in a binder is normalising something that should’ve been from the beginning- probably also marched a free the titties campaign for all body types and identities cause they aren’t inherently sexual and shouldn’t be (if cis men can, why can’t cis women, y’know?)

if he accidentally damages your shit he’ll either fix or replace it, maybe even make something to compensate

or it becomes part of the fit

these lil things have helped personalise your things greatly- there’s nice little details all over that make you both crack smiles

makes sure that throughout missions you’re good if you’re binding, which he honestly just doesn’t dictate. won’t be the type to tell you off for wearing it too long or during missions, it’s not your fault that you’re just doing what makes you feel more like yourself

instead just makes sure that you’re well rested after the missions over and does things for you so you don’t strain

(DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. I WILL FIND YOU.)

if by some unfortunate twist of fate you don’t have a binder, hobie will probably diy you one. argues that they can be mass produced by corporations, why can’t he make one by hand? just one more win for the anarchists

diy binders are dangerous, especially if they’re not made right. i’d like to think hobie would try his best, but i imagine he doesn’t have access to the right materials

in this case, he probably rips apart his shit trying to find the right elastic cloths for your safety

that, or he makes a makeshift binders just a bit looser than it should be to reduce the risk of hurting you.

absolute worst case scenario ? could honestly fashion something out of webs (i have a spidersona that does this) mans a genius, he’ll figure something out

positive ? binder looks sick since he makes it

(ok ur safe, continue)

if you’ve got top surgery, good for u, hobie will have ur head if you don’t take the appropriate recovery time

if you are involved with spider society, he either takes your missions for you or absolutely terrorises miguel into not giving you any

you think it’s just a subconscious, casual thing that hobie does but he always manages to slip a “lad” “boy” “man” into his sentences whenever speaking to or about you. gender affirmations innit

that being said, hobie views you as a man wholeheartedly

hobie’s into physical touch so probably got an arm slung around your shoulder, tons of playfully nudges whenever he sees fit (often)

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

i also wanna stress rq that the way i portray hobie; he’s so incredibly supportive, hype man, but he’s not this sunshine and rainbows thing i’ve seen some people portray him as

he’s laid back, nonchalant but can get excited (like w the whole “miles my guy” scene where he’s so hype)

thinks/knows he’s hot shit but it doesn’t make him arrogant. man just knows what he’s capable of and gets to be laid back thanks to it

If things were better, I could be all "Happy Pride!" here, but Pride Month is tough this year. I'm not happy. I'm sad, scared, and angry. Right-wing American politicians are doing everything they can to endanger trans people. The main focus of their attacks is trans kids. There are all kinds of lies being spread about what it means for children to be transgender and what gender affirming care for them looks like. Like all children, trans kids are figuring themselves out. Supportive, compassionate parents understand this and let them dress how they want. That's what's at the heart of my first Pride Month post this year.

Today's download lets ALL children wear ALL EAxis children's clothes. I did this to go along with all of my child CC being CU from now on. (Well, from a month or two ago on.) I have more to say about real life trans kids, so please read on after the download.

It's very simple. All EAxis kids clothes are now unisex. Many of them should have been from the start. What's masculine about a dark red Western shirt? And why can't a boy wear pink if he likes it? All kids should be allowed to express themselves how they like.

There's no swatch here, so have some Body Shop previews:

There are similar mods out there, but mine doesn't require any special installation (just put it in Downloads) and there's an All-In-One option if you have UC or all EP's and SP's. I got so much help from @goingsimcrazy and @potentialfate-sims while I was working on this. Thanks again, both of you!!

Note: DO NOT USE THIS IF YOU USE DEFAULT REPLACEMENTS THAT CHANGE THE MESH. It works fine with replacements that only change the texture.

'Nother note: Several EP's don't add any children's clothes, so there isn't a package for those EP's in the pick-n-choose version. Nothing's missing except for the xmas elf costumes, because...I hate them. Sorry. They're mostly unisex already, I think. I have hiders for them in my game.

Download:

UC/All-In-One: SFS or MediaFire

Pick & Choose: SFS or MediaFire

So back to my rant about trans kids...

Anti-trans propaganda will try to tell you that evil queers are out to convert your kids. That's a lie. We don't want to make cis kids trans. We want trans kids to live to be trans adults. You can't make a cis kid trans any more than you can make a trans kid cis. Kids are who they are. I was once a femmy little boy in an AFAB body, roughhousing in a princess dress and happier playing with boys than girls most of the time. My parents, and everyone else, saw it and called me a tomboy...despite the princess dress. I'm very lucky to have had parents who let me express myself and didn't care if I ran around in the woods, as long as I took my tights off first. Trying to suppress or change kids just makes them miserable, and sometimes miserable kids die. It breaks my heart that there are parents who would rather have a dead child than a trans child.

If I could get one message to everyone this month, and have it sink in, it would be that NO ONE is doing gender confirming surgery on children. (Unless they're intersex and get mutilated without consent, in the name of conformity.) Even teens, who may be on puberty blockers or other hormones, don't have access to gender affirming surgeries. In America, it takes years and lots of money to have these surgeries. It's not something that's done lightly or on a whim.

That's an aspect of anti-trans rhetoric that bugs me deeply, "What if it's just a phase?" It almost never is. Gender affirming surgeries have some of the highest patient satisfaction ratings of any surgery. Higher than hip replacement and many other completely accepted surgeries.

Surgery is, again, beside the point when we're talking about trans kids. Say a nine year old realizes they're trans. All that changes is their clothes and hairstyle, and maybe their name. As they get a little older, they might be put on puberty blockers. Puberty blockers were developed for cisgender children who start puberty too soon. All these medications do is delay it. Once they're stopped, puberty starts back up. If the child changes their mind, it's as simple as not taking the blockers anymore.

A related truth is that trans people aren't the only ones who get gender affirming care. A cis woman who gets breast implants and a cis man taking testosterone for "low T" are both receiving gender affirming care. They don't face the stigma or roadblocks that a trans woman getting breast implants or a trans man taking testosterone face. I don't hear about American politicians trying to outlaw Viagra or Brazilian butt lifts or any of the other things cis people are allowed to do to feel "more like a woman" or "more like a man". Why should it be different for trans people?

I'll try not to go off on a tangent about how transitioning while young leads to "passing" (looking cisgender) more easily, but it does. And that can mean safety and acceptance. Passing shouldn't matter, but it often does. Forcing a young person, especially a trans girl, to go through puberty twice is cruel and potentially dangerous.

Going back to my personal experience for a moment, the idea of female puberty and "becoming a woman" horrified me as a kid. If I'd been offered the option of puberty blockers, I'd probably have taken them. I started developing breasts when I was nine and was forced to wear bras when I was ten. My adolescent and teen years were pretty horrible overall, and gender issues were part of that. I had the "not like the other girls" feeling, but knew by then that I wasn't 100% boy either. Maybe that would have been different if I hadn't gone through puberty with estrogen. I think sometimes about the man I might have been if I was younger and grew up in a world with more trans awareness. I had no idea about genders beyond the binary back then, but I recognized that there was something boy-ish about me. My friends, family, and other people saw it too. I was who I was, who I am. I'm so very lucky that my parents didn't try to force me to be girlier. Those years were hard enough.

Childhood is hard, and repressive, oppressive adults make it so much harder. I hope all the trans kids out there either have support at home or find it where they can. I wish we lived in a world where we could all just accept each other and live our lives. I want everyone to be safe and feel loved.

I could go on and on about various trans issues, but I think I've made my points about trans kids. Respect and protect them. They're valid and they deserve to grow up to be who they know they are.

[I have zero tolerance for transphobia. I will block and report anyone who replies to this with anything anti-trans.]

hi, so i do have a question regarding trans people- i completely support trans people and people should have the right to do whatever they want to as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and i would never side with those who try to take away someone's autonomy. that being said, why do people want to be the specific genders(men, women)- what exactly does one feel? is it identifying with gender stereotypes? wanting the other kind of body? i can understand why someone would want to be enby, but can't seem to understand specific reasons why people would want to be transmasc or transfem etc. i've read posts before where people have wanted to be women/men because of gender stereotypes- they wanted to play with dolls/liked feminine/masculine colors/clothes etc. but it's obviously something that shouldn't be stereotyped against and anyone should be allowed to play/like anything they want to, whether it's feminine or masculine. so what exactly is it that makes people want to be either? again, though even if i didn't understand why someone else felt that way, i fully support them.

I'm not even transgender in any flavor so I'm not the best person to ask, but I'm pretty sure the answer is going to be individual for every person.

I think like, the larger society has latched onto the narrative of "I always wanted to play with 'girl' toys and do 'girly' things" because that's what makes sense to a cisgender audience in a culture where behavior and clothing and toys are very obviously gendered.

But that's not, like, what "makes" someone transgender—it's a way of explaining it.

I mean, okay, maybe I can talk about this a little. I'm a cis woman. I've thought about it! I like being female, it feels comfortable to me, and experimentally imagining anything else feels...bad.

This has nothing to do with gender stereotypes—I don't shave, I don't wear makeup, I usually cut my hair super-short, I'll wear my brothers' clothes if I like them, I always actively hated the "girl" toys as a kid (though I was never labeled a 'tomboy'—I feel like autism overpowered any specific gendered label that would otherwise apply to me, for complicated reasons. I was a Weird kid). It's just...I don't know. It's nice when one of my friends in chat in a game i'm playing calls me "she"—like hell yeah! Your mental concept of me is a girl :D

If anything, I started to feel more "woman" when I started dressing and styling more masculine—it was actually seeing pictures of butch lesbians online that made me see an image of myself I liked for the first time. I wanted to be a woman who's like a guy at the auto parts store.

I think some people just have no internal sense at all about their gender, and some of these people probably ID as non-binary, and some of these people probably just identify with whatever they were assigned because that's what's convenient. There are no wrong answers here, right?

And some people have a really strong unwavering internal sense about it, and it's not exactly able to be distilled down to feelings about your body or clothes or interests or whatever, but it exists. I know that I "feel" like a woman even though I couldn't say why. It's somewhere in between "this feels accurate" and "this feels nice."

could you elaborate on your take that Aradia's oppressive relationship to femininity means she cannot be textually transfem? i find that a bit of an odd take

like, obviously i think people can have whatever headcanons they want, and it's good to understand what is canon, what can be supported by canon, and what is pure fanon. i just don't see how there's any less textual evidence for Aradia as transfem than there is for, say, Vriska. am i missing something?

lemme use that last st8ment as a jumping-off to set the groundwork here. the core reason vriska is transfem is because femininity is something she must constantly perform and strive for to be recognized as a girl, whereas for aradia it is something put upon her by society that brings her only torment and oppression. the expectations for women of their respective castes is far different; for vriska, it is to be vengeful and powerful, but for aradia, it is to be compliant and subservient.

both of them hate conforming to their society's traditional gender roles for completely different reasons — vriska's conscience eats at her constantly for all the bad things she does and the person she really wants to be conflicts with the values of mindfang, the sole object of vriska's gender envy (next to tavros. not that she'd admit it). aradia hates her role in society because it is very deliberately forced upon her — it pushes her down and disarms her of her own agency and forces her to accept that there is nothing she can do without permission from someone or something else.

aradia's gender role in alternian society is very intentionally analogous to that of an asian (particularly japanese) woman: sexualized, exoticized, infantilized (a lot of which by equius), not allowed to speak for herself. this is key to understanding aradia's arc to me. as a maid of time, she is at the service of causality itself, not unlike her ancestor, tidying up myriad loose ends across the sgrub session and small parts of alternia's history such as the creation of doc scratch, across thousands of alternate selves, because if she didn't, the story would not be able to progress. she knows this. the story knows this. no one is happy about this.

her arc culminates in totality when she accepts her own death and dares to face the unknown, self-destructing, ascending to the god tiers and, for the first time in her life, feeling truly alive. freed from the shackles of her role as both parts burgundy-blood and woman, she makes her own choice to save her friends and then leave homestuck forever. not being in homestuck is its own reward, but all characters inherently fear death, because that is what they know and it is an instinct sburb requires. aradia, however, never could have feared death, for she had not been living until this moment. she becomes ultimately at peace with what is feared by all but her.

aradia's choice to leave behind what is known and "safe" in favor of pursuing the chance that she could ever reach a point where she is free to make her own decisions again is one of the most transgender actions in the entire story. aradia's abandonment of gender is synonymous with her rise to freedom.

I have to work today, but there’s a lot I want to say about Jonathan and gender, and I won’t have the time to organize it in a proper essay, so here are some points:

1) Of fucking course men can have characteristics usually attributed to women and still be men. I’m working on a series of sci-fi adaptations of fairy tales, and in my Sleeping Beauty the protagonist is a (cisgender) boy, precisely because I want boys to see they can be vulnerable and need rescue too. And I completely understand if someone prefers to see Jonathan as a cis man because it’s so rare to see men in this role, surviving abuse, when it does happen in real life. I start my Gothic Heroine Support Group fic with Belle making precisely this point. Men can be prey, women can be predators. She knows this because that’s what happened to the original Beast, and kudos to Gabrielle Suzanne de Villeneuve, the author of the original Beauty and the Beast, for making this point centuries ago.

2) That being said, Jonathan seems to identify with women on a deeper level than being on a role in which women usually are. For me, what cements the headcanon is when he chooses the women’s quarters to sleep in, seeming to long for “a gentle life”, even if it involved sadly waiting for the menfolk to return from war. He seems to identify with the female identity, not only the female role. That’s only my personal interpretation, I fully acknowledge that. But seeing as it’s one that a lot of trans people in the fandom seem to share and, more importantly, to identify with, it’s one that is more than valid: it brings people joy. I’m cis. I’m also bisexual, and I know the joy of seeing myself in a character through subtext, and also how frustrating it is when people say it’s not true because it’s not 100% explicit in the text. If trans people are telling me they identify with Jonathan, I believe them and I take that as there being reasons I acknowledge I cannot fully understand why Jonathan is potentially a trans woman.

3) I assume everyone here has heard of Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey. But it’s less likely that everyone has heard of Gail Carriger’s The Heroine’s Journey. I fully recommend this book to everyone. But the point she makes is that whether someone is a “hero” or a “heroine” according to hers and Campbell’s analysis doesn’t depend on their gender. Women can follow Campbell’s Hero Journey, and men can follow Carriger’s Heroine Journey. And non-binary people can follow either. The names come from the gender of the characters who originated the archetypes, with Campbell’s being classic Greek heroes, and Carriger’s being ancient world goddesses. With that in mind, although no one has written a “Gothic Heroine’s Journey”, Jonathan Harker is a gothic heroine, regardless of whether you see him as cis man or trans woman, because he follows that story type step by step.

4) Does anyone here know of a transgender gothic heroine (in the gender neutral sense explained above)? Because I don’t. If anyone does, seriously, please point me their way, I’d love to increase my gothic knowledge. But it’s a type of representation I’ve never seen. As a member of a lot of minorities, I feel very happy whenever I see any of them represented in ways I’ve never seen before, and I can only imagine it’s the same for trans people. So what’s the harm in letting Jonathan be that? Seriously. All that is missing so far from Jonathan being a fully classical gothic heroine is him going around the castle in a flowing white dress. If I ever get to adapt my written version of modern day!Dracula, I’ll absolutely put Natália (my version of Jonathan) in a white nightgown, just to give a transgender actor the chance to play out this scene that I’ve seen so many cis women do over the years. Again, I understand if someone takes empowerment from Jonathan as a cis man surviving abuse, and I’d never want to take that away from them. Jonathan being a cis man is an absolutely valid reading too. But I think trans women deserve empowerment too, deserve to see a trans woman playing out a story so many of their cis counterparts have always had. The book is in public domain. We can each adapt them the way we choose. Cis man Jonathan and trans fem Jo, Natália, or whatever name you prefer for her, can coexist and be important to the groups of people each of them are important to. 

Stop Posting Hate and Disinformation in Endogenic Tags!

Does it? Are you sure? Because that's a really bold way to start off a post in a community with a lot of people who have PTSD!

But even bolder is this claim:

I would ask for the source for this, but I already know it.

Now, to be fair, there is a lot of wiggle room where some can argue semantics of what an "alter" is.

Luckily, today we aren't arguing semantics, as they made it clear in a comment that they don't believe endogenic systems are experiencing any sort of plurality! Yay!

Now, back to their claims... it's true that most evidence of any forms of consciousness in psychology is based on believing people's personal experiences.

Psychology is distinct from neuroscience in this way. Hopefully, we can get neurological evidence too. Stanford University was conducting an fMRI study into tulpamancers. But that study isn't complete yet.

But it is worth noting that practically every researcher who has looked into endogenic and non-disordered plurality do believe it's a real phenomena.

As mentioned above, Stanford University has invested anywhere from tens of thousands of dollars to hundreds of thousands of dollars into a neurological study of tulpamancers.

The ICD-11 by the World Health Organization states that you can have multiple "distinct personality states" without a disorder.

The creators of the theory of structural dissociation have said that hypnosis and spiritual mediumship may create "self-conscious dissociated parts of the personality."

Transgender Mental Health by Eric Yarbrough has an entire chapter discussing plurality, including acknowledging non-disordered and endogenic plurality. Eric Yarbrough is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, and this book was published by APA Publishing.

And these are but a few.

Psychiatrists and psychologists overwhelming support the existence of endogenic plurality.

Is there any reason for the human brain to just randomly decide to be a singlet?

Why do the 80-billion neurons in the human brain just decide to be one person? Why is a singlet treated as inherently the default for humanity?

Total side tangent, but not all alters fit neatly into the ANP/EP dichotomy. The thing that defines an ANP is not simply being dissociated from the trauma, but trying to continue on with normal life and avoid it. Hence, being "apparently normal."

Many alters though, just don't fit into that as described. I would argue that a non-traumagenic alter who never fronts isn't really an ANP according to the Theory of Structural Dissociation.

Yup. That's why I'm responding to this. Your post is nothing but misinformation.

Most words have etymology in other cultures. Hurricane, for example, comes from an indigenous religion that referred to storm gods. This is a natural process as cultures interact.

For the record, "tulpamancy" IS created headmates. The term "tulpamancy" is purely Western, with the -mancy suffix originating in Latin. And whether you like it or not, the ongoing studies into tulpamancy will be into this Western practice, not the Tibetan sprul pa from which it draws its etymology.

Maybe you should take your own advice.

Although if you have a single credible source proving that endogenic plurality can't exist, you're welcome to show me.

You: "Stay out of DID/OSDD spaces" Also You: *Tags post as "#endogenic" and "#endogenic systems"*

Anyway, as always, anti-endos coming into endogenic tags means the response goes to anti-endo tags. If anti-endos do not like me posting in their tags, please take a moment to explain to @frenzyborderlines why crosstagging into our spaces is bad (and incredibly hypocritical from someone telling endogenic systems to stay out of CDD spaces) so I won't need to do this again.

more sad OL:B&A stuff, more specifically for the transgender audience

once again ignoring any of the romantic aspects.

tw for a bit of transphobia!

as a transgender man, my coming out was ruined completely. im sure alot of people can also relate to that.

infact it went so horribly that i forced myself back into the closet for a long time. i tried out many different gender identitys. my thought process was that ‘anything other than a man’ would be good enough for my family. which was not the case.

to cut a long story short, i couldnt keep up that façade, and my family eventually came through for me. though, the prior transphobia i received was damaging enough to stay with me even now.

olba is relevant because i found the game at one of my lowest points. i was blown away by how accepting the game was off the bat. there were sets of pronouns to pick, and promises to be able to change them as your character grew older, as they grew into themselves. your appearance had nothing to do with your gender identity, there was no judgement if your character revealed their gender identity to anyone. even if that character was someone who didnt like you.

the thing that got me the most was how supportive your moms are described to be. maybe you’d think thats an obvious if they are two women married to eachother, but ive met my fair share of people who will accept homosexuality and not transgender people.

anyways, in step 2 it can be mentioned how you are on some sort of hormone already, and in step 3 it can be mentioned that your moms payed for your top surgery. never has a line of text made me cry as hard as i did when i read that. it was so emotionally overwhelming.

the sheer amount of acceptance in that game is STILL so mind blowing to me. you dont find games like that like ever. as a 14 year old, it was the most acceptance i had ever gotten in my life. if i had the chance to speak to anyone from GB patch, i would give them my thanks until i physically couldnt speak anymore.

what im getting across to here is that games like this can really help a person. especially young people who are just now shaping their identity. knowing theres acceptance out there can really help ones mental health. even if it is just through a video game.

i am being quite the chatterbox so im ending this here. thanks for reading!

isn't it crazy how feminism was basically the open door for gender ideologies and now women are waking up for the bullshit, and going rad fem, without realizing the core issues all over again? i mean i follow some rad fems just to see what they are up to, and also because they are speaking violently against this madness, but its just so sad that we keep missing the point people

idk sorry for venting but i would love to read your thoughts on it because usually im just trying to be "sober" against all this, but sometimes its like the whole world went nuts and it feels awful

The weirdest thing, and the biggest issue, is that pretty much everyone you know is 'waking up' to some aspect of the madness of our present age, whether it's because of the transgender insanity, or the targeted hatred of white people, the demonization of men, or being afraid of speaking out against the spread of Islamism, or the overt one-sided political bias of the corporate media, education system and entertainment world.

The big issue is that most people pick just one of these to fixate and obsess upon, while they still carry on supporting and defending all the others, and attacking anyone who tries to stand up against them. It's only when you acknowledge that the same far-left agenda that supports and aggressively promotes one of them also aggressively supports and promotes all the others that you can start to make any sense as to why any of it is happening.

There are two particular groups of feminist friends I used to hang out with: one of them would rage against Islamism, and the treatment of women in Islamic countries, and were furious that speaking out on behalf of those women would get them silenced or even arrested. The other group is furious against the biological males taking over women's spaces, and the state violence greeting any women speaking out against it.

But both groups will still loudly vote Labour, still read the Guardian, and still believe everything else they hear coming out of the BBC or CNN or Disney or Facebook or fill in the blank. And of course they'll still call themselves feminists. It's just that one little thing they have a problem with, that they view as an entirely separate and disconnected issue from all the other madness, and so are completely at a loss when it comes to trying to explain why the world is seemingly making no sense anymore.

You ABSOLUTELY do not have to answer this if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, but what is a “side b” Christian? I tried looking it up but the results were kinda vague :/

Hey, thanks for asking! (this ask is in reference to this post btw)

Okay, so, "side B" is a term that some Christians use to describe how they fit into the wide debate of how the Church should address same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria—basically, how the church should deal with LGBTQ+ issues. The term "side B" is used alongside the terms "Side A" and "Side X", which I'll explain to the best of my knowledge in a moment.

Before I start, though, I'm not an expert on the history of these terms. Here's one source that might get you started, but I have not done extensive research on this, so take this with a grain of salt! <3

Also, note: The topic of transgender people is a little bit blurry in these frameworks, with some people agreeing mostly with one "side" on attraction but agreeing mostly with another on gender dysphoria.

"Side A" Christians (the typically more liberal side) believe that the Bible (and/or God, in cases where people don't believe the Bible is the arbiter of truth) supports LGBTQ+ people acting on same-sex attraction and/or gender dysphoria. So, according to this worldview, same-sex attraction is not a sin; same-sex marriage and relations are not a sin; and so the Church should speak publicly about and embrace LGBTQ+ relationships, transitions, and/or lifestyles. In my experience, Side A Christians usually point out that the Greek word translated "homosexual" in the New Testament refers to pedophiles (instead of?) (as well as?) people living in homosexual relationships. Again, though, I haven't done full research on that one. "Side X" Christians (the typically more conservative side) believe that same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria are sins, and that therefore the Church should not speak about and/or should completely denounce same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria. They may believe in what's sometimes called "Pray the Gay Away": the belief that if you have enough faith in God and/or pray hard enough, He will take away your same-sex attraction and/or gender dysphoria. "Side B" Christians believe that the Bible says that all people struggle with temptations to sin, including, for some, sexual attraction to the same sex and/or gender dysphoria, and so the Church should not deny that these struggles exist or act like the people who struggle with them are any worse than anyone struggling with heterosexual lust or any other sin—but that the Bible also has a clearly stated framework that Christian marriages should fit into: one man and one woman, having sex only in a marriage. Side B Christians typically believe that the Church should not ignore the fact that there are LGBT+ Christians, nor should it embrace same-sex relations. Instead, it should acknowledge the struggle of having same-sex attraction and/or gender dysphoria and provide compassion, give life direction that is toward God and not toward the world, and just... you know... not isolate and whisper about such Christians like they're any worse than anyone struggling with, like, selfishness or jealousy or gambling or addiction or any other desire of the flesh. EDIT: A Side B perspective typically does not state that attraction or dysphoria themselves are sins. Those are temptations (and/or struggles), and like the post linked here (this post) says, temptation is not the same as sin (acting on temptation). Yeah, personally, I agree most with the Side B perspective. It seems the most Biblically sound perspective to me.

"Side A" and "Side B" are usually descriptors used only by Christians who identify with LGBTQ+ attraction and/or gender identity. So, people may call themselves "Side B bi", for example, as a shorthand for saying "I'm attracted to both genders, but I believe that it is only okay to have sex under the Biblical marriage framework". But I find the terms "Side A" and "Side B" a useful framework to describe worldviews in general, even for heterosexual people who identify with their biological sex. Use your own discretion about that one. I personally sometimes call myself "Side B" out of convenience, although I don't have same-sex attraction, but I strive to be respectful and compassionate to those who use "Side B" to indicate that they personally struggle with same sex attraction, and so I don't go throwing the term around willy-nilly. By the way, I do technically fall under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella: aromantic asexual here (although I hold those terms loosely) with a history of mild gender dysphoria.

"Side A", "Side B", and "Side X" are simply convenient terms for broad views on sexual morality and Christian perspectives on LGBTQ+ issues. I use them when they're convenient, but strive to meet every individual person and converse with people, not broad "sides", learning how each person interprets the Bible and what their individual church history and personal context is in order to learn how they think about Biblical, Christian, social, and LGBTQ+ issues. I find that the individual conversations are far more productive and less divisive than arguing along "party lines".

This is a PSA...

FUCK THAT STUPID "PARODY" OF GOODBYE VOLCANO HIGH!

Why? Why?!

It was made by members of 4chan, the worst site on the internet BY FAR! The complete opposite of KO_OP--filled with right-wing rhetoric and intolerant of any piece of media that dares to be different! If you like the "parody game" and its related products, then you're saying that you support 4chan, warranting a block from me.

2. Lazy and unambitious design. GVH is all-around unique; high schoolers having to deal with the lead up to a cataclysmic event, deciding how to spend their time up to that event, and every character is an anthropomorphic dino. Plus, the game is a blend of rhythm and cinematic adventure, a novel choice in game design. Plus, the characters are all written like believable teens with understandable issues (the effects of the impending meteor, for instance), with plenty of non-forced conflict.

The OTHER game, meanwhile... stole the designs of the main characters and appropriated them into high school drama cliches, plus, the design for the main teacher blatantly rips off an Adult Swim character, for some reason. The worst part is the main character, though! It's just some muscly guy with a blank face! No eyes, mouth, hair, NOTHING ON THE HEAD! Goddammit, seriously, that is the WORST character design I have ever seen in my life!

Plus, THAT game is just another throwaway dating sim VN that can NEVER reach GVH's level.

3. LGBT ERASURE! THIS. IS. WHY. YOU SHOULD NOT LIKE THE GAME!

GVH's main characters are queer one way or another: Fang is non-binary, Rosa is a transgender woman, Sage is a transgender man, and it's possible for Fang to enter a relationship with Naomi. Reed is also hinted to be in a relationship with a male classmate, Alvin. Plus, there is some subtext regarding the pairings of Trish/Rosa and Sage/Stella, as well as in Naser's arc.

Meanwhile... THAT game is basically a vehicle by its creators to espouse 4chan bullshit. Fang is an enby when you first meet them, but their "happy ending" has the player character convince them to detransition. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! And the only endings where they stay an enby are the ones that don't give them any respect! This is bad messaging! Apparently, they're saying that the only way to find happiness in life is to throw away your queer identity! FUCK THAT SHIT!

Again, that is huge disrespect towards a likeable representation of an enby.

Note: Rosa, Sage, and Naomi's queer characteristics were envisioned DURING the rewrite, so it was after THAT game was revealed. Make of that what you will.

4. It blatantly disrespects KO_OP, and frankly, the company does not deserve it.

Goodbye Volcano High was released in August of last year, but it was actually revealed as far back as summer 2020. It was VASTLY different back then--it was more like a traditional visual novel, except with the same anthropomorphic dinos and unique designs. By the time GVH was released, it had gone through a huge story rewrite, resulting in the final product.

Unfortunately, there's a whole backstory in the development of GVH.

2020 was when COVID-19 was ravaging the world, and KO_OP's workers were struggling with the disease, putting a major dent in the game's production and delaying it for a while.

Also, the rewrite started not long after the game was revealed. Admittedly, this was due to a mistake on KO_OP's part in their choice of a writing crew, but the writing team was replaced, so good on them.

Also during development, they were harassed by 4chan and other unsavory people, culminating in THAT game. Basically, there's an undercurrent of PTSD--on the KO_OP Discord, if you bring up THAT game or any other hugely offensive content, you'll get a warning or a ban. Is it any wonder they hate THAT game?

Also, as I mentioned in a previous post, KO_OP should be admired for withstanding all that crap and releasing GVH three years after its initial announcement, the payoff being that it has its own dedicated fanbase and was nominated in three major awards ceremonies. Like GLAAD!

5. Real-World Events

Probably the worst part is that THAT game has a fanbase, even after a terribly heartbreaking event in February.

Two words: Nex Benedict.

Seriously, to still support that game, even in light of similar tragedies... That's inhumane.

*sigh*

I know this kind of post may not be your cup of tea, but I needed to get this off my chest. I love this game so much... It pains me to see that a supportive game, alongside its fans and creators, is being unfairly targeted by terrible people.

I stand by what I said in this post. I did my research before making this essay. That said, if there are any inaccuracies in here, I apologize.

However, I will not tolerate anyone who tries to argue in support of THAT game. If they do that, they get reported/blocked.

Sincerely, popart-vvv.

Hi I was just wondering if you could write kaz brekker from six of crows x trans Male reader who is feeling dysforic (I think I spelt it correctly I'm dyslexic) and isnt feeling masculinely enough and just feel bad about themselves and kaz just comforts the reader and say things like your the most handsome man I ever layed eyes on and stuff .

Man I absolutely love this idea. Thank you for requesting it and I really hope you'll enjoy!

more than enough | kaz brekker

pairings: kaz brekker x trans!male reader

summary: when reader struggles about his identity, kaz makes sure reader knows he cares about him and supports him.

CW: gender dysphoria, soft and protective kaz

The bar was awkwardly silent, Jesper being the last person to stand up from the table and go to his room with a yawn, patting you on the back while saying goodbye. "Night, Y/N."

You were left alone with your drink, resting your head on your fist when you hear the familiar sound of a cane tapping against the ground. Short after, Kaz's limping figure enters the room and spots you immediately. You acknowledge him by simply raising your eyebrows at him as his eyes scan you up and down. "Not asleep yet?"

Kaz remembers the day he first met you on the streets, your strong and cautious spirit enchanting him completely to say the least, since day one. A lot has changed since then.

Ketterdam was not a warm and welcoming city to anyone. Man, woman, child, didn't matter. Full of discourteous and unpleasant people waiting for someone's downfall so they could tear what's left of them apart. Being transgender was rare in a city like that and it could be a lot of pressure, not expecting much approval from other people. But when you came out to Kaz he tried to show you the best of support in his own ways, just like the rest of the crows, and you were grateful for them. He always cared about you in sort of a special way and made sure you had a clue about that, again in his own ways.

But the endless questions about your own identity and gender, frustration and insecurity inside of you still like to visit on nights like these and Kaz was aware of that.

He sat down next to you, staying like that for a few moments and enjoying the presence of one another, before you finally decided to look at him. His expressions were always hard to read but tonight he seemed oddly relaxed, although it was easy to spot concern on his face; you being the main subject of his concern.

You sigh, exhausted, looking away from him. "You look like you have something to say, Kaz, so go ahead." You encourage while rubbing your eyes.

He abruptly switches from worried to stern and cold again. "What's going on.. with you?" Kaz asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

You thought about the question for a few seconds. Stress, chaos, anxiety would be a very accurate representation of what was going on in your mind. "A lot of things." You answer quietly, staring at your hands.

The sight of you vulnerable or in pain made Kaz's heart drench with sadness a lot more. He couldn't stand it. Allowing himself to soften his gaze, something he'd to for you only, he pleaded: "Talk to me, Y/N."

Your eyes traveled back to him, surprised to see his sudden gentle expression. His dark eyes were focused on you. Your breath hitched, not breaking eye-contact. Trapped words flew through your head over and over again. Openining up to Kaz never felt challenging once you've spent time with each other. It felt safe even, and he would agree.

You shook your head. "I don't.. feel like..." Anything you try to say stops in your throat, anger creeping your way while successfully biting back small tears. "I feel like I'm not.. manly enough." Kaz listened closely and paid attention, so you kept going. "I still feel like that after everything. My body doesn't feel like mine, I hate it and I don't..." You laugh humorlessly at the stress growing with each word. "I don't know who I am anymore. Everything I do to make myself seem more... masculine simply just doesn't feel enough. I can't do anything about it."

At this point breathing took much more effort, your heart beating like crazy. Those thoughts longed for an escape out of your head for as long as you could remember.

Kaz's chest rang with dull pain. He felt the need to erase anything that troubled you in this world or stood in your way. And he will.

"Tell me whoever made you feel that way and consider them dead by daylight." He threatened, more serious than you've ever seen him.

That made you smile. "I fear it's only my own fault." The smile on your face turned sad, and Kaz was now determined to make your smile brighter than it ever was. He steadied his breath before speaking again.

"Nonsense. You are more than enough to me, Y/N. Most of the time it feels like you... you are the only person worth caring for. Form of lightness in my life." He pauses. "And you're also the greatest man I've met. By strength and spirit. A man like yourself could own Ketterdam and much more."

His words made your heart melt right into his embrace, remaining speechless. It took everything in you to hold in tears that threatened to fall down your heated cheeks. He only looked at you in astonishment, showering you with esteem.

"Also if it's worth anything... I find you the most good-looking gentleman I've seen."

That line made you burst into laughter and it was music to Kaz's ears. The sound completely mesmerized him along with the amused look that suited you perfectly. "Cheesy, Brekker. Who would have thought?" Your cheeks were burning with a pinkish shade, causing his to work up the same color ever so slightly.

Beaming at him with the most genuine smile Kaz would sacrifice the world for was enough for him to fold right away, the corner of his mouth curving slightly up. As long as you were happy, nothing else felt important to him in this moment.

i’m having thoughts about my boy

sorry newsies moots but it’s solace time baby

• William Andrew Solace was born in Texas but has tempratlily lived in and been too; New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Nevada, California, Washington, New York, and later on in life Massachusetts and Maine. The only states he vividly remembers when he was young was New Mexico and Nevada, as they spent the longest time there besides Texas.

• Will left to camp when his mother stopped in new york and a monster attack very close to camp happened and the nearest satyr recognized him as a half-blood, dragging him with the other demigods (i headcannon one of them was Drew And that’s how those two met) and was introduced. He found his mother again and was able to stay there after some plot stuff i will flesh…later.

• cat person he is such a cat person he’s a golden retriever boy yes but he’s a cat person i’m sorry i’m right i am i know him he told me

• Will did get bullied when he went to a public school for a short time in new Mexico for being/acting “Gay” and it stuck with him a bit as he was worried what camp half blood would be like. but the camp was very friendly and he adapted fairly quickly after his siblings supported his coming out

• Will is Bi to me, and i feel he figured out fairly easily. Naomi wasn’t as religious as her parents and her traveling gave her a wider world veiw, so she wasn’t exactly homophobic but didn’t really let will know gay people existed. he kinda just got context clues along the way.

• Will came out to naomi when he was 14 and she accepted him, after some suprise and tears. it was confusing for both of them but she wasn’t angry.

• Will goes though whipped cream like a maniac. he puts it on everything. everything. i don’t know where i got this headcannon from but it’s mine now it’s my baby his favorite dessert is literally just reddi whip striaght into his mouth and nico is always absoloutley horrified whenever he finds his boyfriend straight up drinking reddi whip out of the fridge after a late night at the hospital wing.

• WORKAHOLIC!! BIGGEST WORKAHOLIC!!! EVER!!! does NOT take breaks does NOT talk about his own feelings. major case of therapist friend with no therapy

• Nico summons skeletons to help will with studying sometimes, hey, it’s better than a textbook

• Due to all the Shit He’s Seen, will isn’t really freaked out by nico or macabre at all. as to contrast, nico hates medical stuff and finds it kinda freaky

• Will has a very Work for what you get attitude and seeing his mother scrape by and work herself up made will similarly hardworking, independent and self sufficient. But he’s also a stubborn bastard who would rather take and remove a bullet then let someone help him either work wise or financially. It got even worse as he became the head of his cabin so much younger with so many younger kids to take care if

• Living in new mexico for as long as they did Naomi decided it was a good idea to have will learn at least some spanish when he was young and he picked up on it nicely, and decided to continue. he’s fairly fluent now and loves freaking Leo out all the time by talking to him in spanish when nobody else is around and he can’t prove it.

• Did also have a minor crush on percy, but mostly as a “woah look at that guy holy shit” and loved teasing annabeth about it (“If YOU love him so much why do you want us to get her together?” “nooo you guys are my OTP i’m not having that up just because he’s hot” <- COMPLETELY REAL INTERACTION THEY E HAD MHM TRUST ME BRO)

• Wants to pick up on some italian so he can do the same thing he does with leo to nico

• TRANSGENDER AND AUTISTIC IM NOT ELABORATING FUCK YOU ( i do have reasons but this is more fun)

• Favorite vide game is a tie between tetris and Majoras mask

• Favorite TV show was Malcom in the Middle as a kid and now is greys anatomy /j/j/j/j but i can gaurentee he hate watches it with the apollo cabin all the time

• Suprisingly fine with plants, yes sunflowers do look at him and everyone makes fun of him for it

okay i’m done (i’m a liar i’m not done but i am about to pass out sooo)

Turns out sometimes you have to force yourself to heal

Healing can feel impossibly hard, especially when you've internalized unhealthy values from both your parents and the culture around you. This may look like a pretentious middle school essay, but the truth is, I just needed to write about my healing process, and where it all started, somewhere. This will be a long ride, so buckle up.

I might be happier right now if I had just stayed a bigot, and given all the hate inside me just the right amount of fuel it needs to prosper, but I just couldn't do that to my friends. Funnily enough, this whole process started from my best friend coming out to me as transgender, not from some "a-ha!" moment in the middle of the night like most of my decisions.

Back then, I was your average "good Christian girl", or at least that's what I strived for. I didn't have many friends, especially when it came to people I was in contact with outside of the internet. I'd pretty much lost two of the three friends I had in middle school after it ended; one completely cut contact with me and my remaining friend, and one I just... didn't see again, since we took different paths in life and weren't really that close anyway. I'd recently become friends with another person online, and this person was very much open about being LGBTQ+ when asked. I didn't have a problem with that, because "well, he doesn't rub his homosexuality in my face". She knew my views on things as well, since I was open about my religion and how my values followed what I had been taught by my mother and the church as morally right or wrong. Back then, my views on the topic of LGBTQ+ people were, in a nutshell, "I think it's wrong to date a person of the same sex, and so is changing your body from how God created it, but I'm not going to insult, degrade, misgender or deadname people because I'm not an asshole". So in short, I was a bigot, but not a zealot. When my best and only in-real-life friend came out to me as a trans man, I assured him that I had no problem with him being transgender, and would be using his chosen name and pronouns from then on forwards if he wished me to do so. In reality, I was full of confusion, since I didn't really know what being transgender *actually* meant. Now, I could've just left it at that, but I felt that in order to give my friend the full support he needs and deserves, I should be able to at least understand what he's actually going through. At that point, my knowledge of the term trans, when talking about gender, was limited to "people who have changed their sex". It's not too far off, but I had no idea why someone would change it and what exactly counts as a transgender person, since my friend was pre-everything at the time and thus obviously did not fit the definition I had known before.

So, I decided to investigate what being transgender really means. During that time I watched videos a lot from a certain youtuber, and I knew his friend, who had been in some of his videos, had a channel as well and often posted videos reading memes and posts from different LGBTQ+ subreddits. I previously had had no interest in them, but I figured I could give some trans-themed videos a try, because humour is usually what gives the most authentic image of a person, as long as you know how to actually read people, and it's also a popular way to share life experiences and thoughts without making it too serious. I think the first one of these videos I checked out was on the r/egg_irl subreddit. That video was eye-opening. Some of the memes were scarily relatable, and I ended up realizing a while later, after doing some more proper research on what being transgender meant, that I fit the definition myself. Suddenly a lot of things made sense; why I always felt a prideful joy whenever being sorted together with boys or men, and hated it when someone added my name or "and girl" after referring to the group with a masculine term. Why I hated being called pretty or beautiful, and would rather substitute it for being called ugly. Why I had little to no interest in barbies and baby dolls and was fascinated by dinosaurs and my brother's Hot Wheels cars instead. Why I would rather play alone than join other girls in their play in kindergarten, and felt excited and happy whenever any of the boys would let me play together with them instead. Why I always hated dresses so much and secretly wished I could wear a suit, being exhilarated when I finally asked permission to do so and was given the okay without an argument or a fight. Why I always found interest in what the boys in my class were talking about, even if they were annoying, and why I kept secretly wishing I could join their friend group instead even though I got along with the girls just fine. Why I was annoyed by girly things or topics to the point I would actively avoid them, and feel proud for not participating in "girl stuff". Why I'd feel proud of myself whenever I acted "boyish" or "manly" enough. Why I felt proud of being able to sing the national anthem in a low voice. Why I wasn't able to appreciate having a near ideal body for the local female beauty standards. Why I felt ashamed of my breasts and "birthing hips". Why I felt disappointed to the point of near crying when I was given permission by my mother to get my hair cut short, and the hairdresser cut it into a butterfly bob instead of the kind of "boy hair" I had imagined. There were so. many. things. I could lengthen the list even more, especially if I added in things I've only recently realized likely had a connection with my gender incongruence.

This realization eventually led to a big battle between the values I had adopted in early childhood and followed ever since, and the new information about myself that clashed with what I believed was "right by God". This contradiction coupled with all the transphobic gaslighting, both from my family and random people on the internet, and drove me to what I have only been able to describe as an episode of psychotic depression, at least up until now. I felt awful, and hated myself for not being how I thought I "should be". I started wondering if I had just been influenced by the internet and gotten brainwashed, and began doubting the authenticity of my own feelings and thoughts. I couldn't trust myself at all anymore, and now that I think about it, I guess this was probably how my OCD manifested for the first time. It was like my mind split into two, one of which was "me" or "I", the other one being, well, the brain, I guess, and it was hell trying to figure out which thoughts were *mine* and not just something my brain pushed into my head... or something I, or another person, put in my head either on accident or on purpose. It's something I still struggle with sometimes, but being able to identify the problem(s) has helped a lot, and made things a lot less excruciating to deal with at times.

Well, I got over that. Somewhat, at least. I ended up pretty much avoiding thinking about my views on religion in general and basing my life principles on my own opinions instead of "God's". I still have my doubts and guilt, and sometimes fall back into the anxiety of not knowing what I'm doing is right or not. I will definitely have to work these things out in therapy, but I'd like to believe I've made a lot of progress outside of it on my own as well. Transphobia and homophobia aren't the only kinds of unhealthy values I've had to heal myself from. One of the biggest things that has kept me from healing for a long time is the teachings of toxic masculinity, particularly the idea of "only women are emotional". Being a trans man who almost nobody dear to me recognizes as a man, I've been clinging to every little thing that would validate my masculinity, even if it's extremely unhealthy, for years. This didn't start from my realization about my gender, but instead had been going on since elementary school, possibly even longer than that.

I have a tendency of turning into my friends' therapist whenever I get to know they're having a rough time. I feel it's much easier to give advice to people than to look for a solution to my own problems. Maybe it's empathy, maybe it's just avoidance of the shit I should actually sort out, but turns out these backyard therapy sessions can be mutually beneficial. On the internet, different people dealing with similar problems are often drawn together, kind of like stand users. At one point, the advice I gave to my friends dealing with the same problems I had started feeling pretentious. "I go around giving people advice I don't even follow myself... I guess it's grand time I take my own advice and cut myself some slack."

That's where the actual healing process started. When I felt ashamed of the fact I made mistakes and felt like condemning myself for having emotions, I forced myself to tell myself the same things I had told my friends; "Everybody makes mistakes, and while it may feel awful, it's a natural part of life. You're not worth any less for that. We don't have to look for a solution right away." "You're hurting right now, but that's okay. You're allowed to hurt. You don't have to be all happy and bubbly all the time." "That's right. You're angry right now. And that's fine. You're allowed these feelings just like everyone else. Let yourself be angry."

Notice how all of these have to do with self-acceptance? Yeah, that's what a lot of us lack. We condemn the parts of us we, or others, don't like and give ourselves more and more wounds. All of these parts have their right spaces in our hearts, but we keep trying to "heal" those spots, thinking we need to make sure none of these "unpleasant" parts of us have no place in our hearts before we can start healing the actual wounds. In reality, trying to close up the spaces just results in more wounds.

Think about your heart like a crow playing with one of those boxes with different holes for different-shaped objects; if you hide one of the holes, the crow will keep trying to push the corresponding object through a different hole. Some of these objects are small but sharp, and they make scratches on the box when the crow tries to push them through the wrong holes. These scratches hurt a lot, but are often quite quick to heal. Some of these objects are big, but more blunt. They might not hurt as much immediately, but they leave large wounds that affect a bigger area and take a much longer time to heal. Some of these objects have two sides, one big and blunt, one sharp and small, and thus cause different types of wounds depending on where and how you try to put them.

We all have this crow and these objects. The crow is stubborn, and will keep looking for the right places to put the objects until it finds them. None of our crows know where to put these objects from birth, and aren't really that smart, so they will naturally make mistakes and try to shove them in the wrong spots. This causes a lot of scratches and dents on our hearts along the years, and it's easy to feel like it's better to just close your heart to these objects altogether. The crow, though, has no other place to put them, so it will keep looking for the right hole for the object it's holding, because it knows there's supposed to be one, and that will just cause more scratches and dents in the long run.

Our crows also have assigned instructors. Some have prepared in every possible way to make sure the box gets damaged as little as possible. They put in extra effort, even before becoming an instructor, and do a great job at taking care of both the box and the crow. Some try their best to take care of the crow, but haven't really internalized that they also have to teach it to handle the objects and the box. Some are there just because it was on their checklist, and either don't really care about the task at hand, or quickly become overwhelmed and end up hurting the crow, making it confused and unable to find the right places for the objects. Some end up with the job on accident, some were forced into it, some are never around, and some came thinking they were prepared, but ended up giving the crow the worst kind of instructions possible. You could probably guess that the objects are these less pleasant parts of us. Most of them are negative emotions like fear and anger, some of them are painful or traumatic experiences. The crow is the person itself. None of us know how to handle our emotions and experiences from birth, and that's exactly why most of us have been given instructors, which are typically our parents. Our parents can teach us to handle these "objects" properly, but most aren't capable or just willing enough to teach all of the in-and-outs of the subject, so we'll naturally have to figure some stuff out ourselves. After all, we'll be stuck with these objects for the rest of our lives, whether we like them or not. So right now this little crow is trying to figure out the proper way to handle these things, hopefully with an extra instructor (a therapist) in the future. I think I'm doing good at it, especially considering the fact that the only thing I was taught was to keep the objects to myself.