why aren't ramps the standard? they're so much easier to walk up, like why did society just keep choosing stairs when ramps benefit like everyone?

but seriously, i can't believe how far i've gone. and how i should be really proud of myself.

11 years of never-ending pain, of learning how to ignore and endure it, how to look and act "normal".

then my first shitty canes (they're pretty but completely unusable). first steps. first shame. how i was afraid to show up at work with it.

after that, i ordered a custom cane. and then another one. i decorated them. made them vibing. i started taking it to work, still afraid to use it around my colleagues.

then i got three house canes (first and second ones got chewed by my beloved dog lol) and started using it at home as well.

and now i use it everywhere i go. when i walk my dog, when i go to my lunch break on work, when i get around my apartment.

i got forearm crutches and learned how to use them. i decorated them too! they're yellow, covered in flowers stickers.

today i started saving up for my future rollator. i believe i'll be able to actually order it by june.

it all happened too fast, i still have impostor syndrome, i still feel self-conscious, like i'm not actually disabled and don't belong to cpunk communtiy and i'm a faker etc etc etc... but one thing happened: i improved my life. (even if i'm a faker lol) i got less pain every day, less fatigue, i stopped being ashamed at least of my canes.

my best friend was a big part of this journey, without her support i'd never get here. love her so much.

something that isn’t talked about enough with chronic illness is knowing that going to your appointments and doing your exercises and all that will help but being in too much pain or too fatigued to go, so your just stuck in this constant cycle of knowing what you need to do to get better but not being able to do it because your sick

boutta talk about my chronic fatigue symptoms to my doctor wish me luck yalls

Hurts if I eat, hurts if I don't; hurts if I sleep, hurts so deep.

MY FOREARM CRUTCHES!!

I have 0% tolerance for doctors anymore, if they treat me shitty once they will again, thus I'll either drop them or file a complaint.

Before my CRPS was diagnosed i was too scared to stand up to doctors. The pain made me SO DESPERATE i was willing to deal with anything. Now that i have this new undiagnosed illness i realized my body and mind PHYSICALLY cannot do that anymore.

The second to last time i didn't stand up for myself with a doctor i punched the medical bed as soon as she left the room, the last time i couldn't even hear what he said because i was busy restraining myself from punching HIM. i was seeing red, face twitching and everything. My body literally cannot take being quiet anymore. I do not care if i make things more difficult. I don't care if it takes longer to get diagnosed because im pushing for better treatment. I would rather stand up for myself and physically suffer more than let these doctors believe they are allowed to treat me like a dog. They don't treat me like a HUMAN, they don't see us as HUMAN. They see us as pests. A burden, a problem to solve. And if they can't solve you THEY FUCKING HATE YOU. but i think i hate them more.

Doctors are in a gross position of power over their patients, they decide if you live or die, your existence is in their hands, you beg them for help because they are your God and they spit in your face. Even if you literally cry and beg them to help they will give you NOTHING and i know this because thats what i did. I literally BEGGED these people sobbing to help my pain and they did nothing. They do not care about you. They never will. We are not people to them. Nurses are often the same way. I've had nurses and doctors lie straight to my face, make faces when i tell them my story, and do other horrible things.

I can't do it. I can't deal with it anymore. I will fight tooth and nail and be the biggest Karen in existence to these doctors the SECOND they treat me wrong.

I have found two. TWO doctors out of over 50 that i actually like. 2 that treat me appropriately and not like im a bug. 2 that treat me like a human being.

I love you cripples, cripples I love you

I don't even remember what a no pain day feels like anymore, I've gotten so used to the aching and throbbing pains, I can't even fathom having zero pain.....10+ years of this already and I finally have a doctor's appointment with someone whom I hope listens to me and is able to help me.

sometimes i rlly think abt the bs crap that goes on in gynecology/oncology and i just get so pissed and frustrated and sad and angry and eugh

when i told my gyno that i wanted my uterus out she said, and i quote, "well no one is going to do that."

i told her that i wanted it noted in my file that i want it removed and she said "i can write it down, but i can garuntee that there's no one who will do it. you're too young. that's maybe not the way it should be, but it's how it is."

recently had a consultation with a second gyno, for second opinion on the ridiculous uterus shit, and when i told her that i was concerned abt having adnomieosis she said "well everything looks fine, and the only way to tell at this point would be to remove it and look at it under a microscope, and you don't want to do that, you're not done with your uterus yet, you're young."

heLLO?? i very much do want to do that?? did you even read my file??? that's very clearly exactly what i want???

other medical professionals have said things along the same lines, and it just pisses me off.

start. listening. to. your. patients.

i have dozens of stories of medical professionals not listening to their patients, not just my stories either.

med professionals not listening to allergies, not listening to pain ratings, not listening to reported symptoms, not listening to hundreds and hundreds of people and it rlly pisses me off

LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING PATIENTS OR GET A NEW JOB.

you can't call yourself not ableist if you still make fun of some disabilities and not others. it's either you are or you aren't.

"you have such long beautiful legs" awww thank you! :3 they're useless

when you have chronic pain, nobody cares that your having a particularly bad day because your meant to be used to it. no one believes that i’m actually in such bad pain. i can be crying from the pain and they just don’t care

but i do care, if you are suffering from chronic pain, im sorry and i see you and you don’t deserve this. you deserve rest ❤️‍🩹

Sometimes chronic illness sucks when you're trying to keep up with the prayers you do.

Last night and tonight I am just too mentally and physically fatigued to even try to pray in the formal way I started doing a couple of weeks ago, although I've still been doing smaller prayers throughout the day, and I feel so guilty. Does anyone else get this guilty feeling when your disability gets in the way of your faith it is it just me? SHOULD I feel guilty?