#I'll probably not make any and just spend my time reading lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

feralforriddle · 4 months

Text

nobody makes me feel things.

summary: tom riddle x y/n, first person. tom starts to get really confused as to why he was feeling so many things for the sweet ravenclaw girl. but he seems to soften up pretty quick, leaving you just as confused.

a/n: my first ever fic! please give feedback if you enjoyed in the comments. this is probably super messy but i just kept typing lol. i hope u enjoy :3.

ੈ✩‧₊˚⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'ੈ✩‧₊˚⋆.ೃ࿔*:･+*:ꔫ:*﹤˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

'what do you want.' he says, staring at me with his dark, cold glare. i gulp, immediately regretting my decision. picking at the skin around my nails, i pluck up the courage to ask him.

'um, i was just wondering if you were still tutoring people?' i ask, looking up at him anxiously. he stares at me for a second, seemingly very confused. or is he happy? angry? honestly, it's really hard to read him. impossible even.

'yes. i do, why?' he steps closer to me, looking down and crossing his arms. it's almost like he is trying to kill me. doesn't he realize how handsome he is?

'i am struggling at the moment in potions, a-and i know you're really smart in that subject. i was wondering if you'd help me?' i ask, trying to sound confident but failing miserably. why is it so hard to talk to him? obviously everybody knows what tom is like. he has almost zero friends, and he doesn't seem to care about making any.

but i have always been intrigued by him. always watching and admiring from afar. always found him exceptionally handsome. never found any courage to talk to him, though. so now is my chance to get his attention.

do i really need help in potions? not really. it's definitely not my most successful class, but i could probably still pass without his help. but the idea of him teaching me, maybe he could show me how to make potions too, standing behind me and guiding my hands-

okay, no. i am getting truly distracted now.

i have just always been so infatuated with him. my friends call me crazy for trying this, and that they have never seen him interested in any girl before him. i have seen him glance at me before, staring a little longer than just an accidental glance. so part of me is really hopeful he sees me the same way. and i don't have enough confidence to just ask him out, which is why i thought a study session would be good.

'i can help you. what is it you need help with the most?' he says, surprisingly softer. a slight glint in his eye. it did not last long though, he returned to his usual glare.

'mainly brewing the potions, getting things perfect. sure, i get it right but, you always seem to make them perfectly' i say, complimenting him lightly to see his reaction.

i did not get much of one.

'yes, mine are perfect. i can help you. i will ask professor slughorn if we can use the potions room after class hours, he won't mind i'm sure.' he says, nodding down at me once.

i smile brightly up at him, 'thankyou tom! i'll meet you there today around 6pm then?' i ask, beyond excited to get to spend more time with him.

he nods, squinting his eyes lightly at me before turning around and leaving. he certainly is a unique boy. i turn to return to the great hall and finish my lunch.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻

i was itching for 6pm to come faster, wiggling in my seat in my final class of the day. i need to make sure i look pretty, too. i am incredibly nervous to see him, and be alone with him too. my cheeks go red at the thought. i am probably thinking of this way differently to tom, he probably isn't even excited. but i don't care, i just wanted him to see me, to notice me.

as soon as class ended, i sprinted back to my dorm to get changed and freshen up. putting on a clean white shirt, my slightly tighter one for no particular reason at all. and my ravenclaw skirt, pilling up a little further up my thighs than normal. i do light makeup, and ruffle my hair and im ready. this is very unlike me. i never dress like this, and to be honest i feel embarrassed but i want to catch his attention somehow.

it's 5:50pm, so i grab my study books and quill, and head quickly to the classroom. he arrives just seconds after me.

'hi tom' i smile.

he stares at me for a second, glancing down at my outfit. 'what are you wearing?' he says, glaring at me for a second.

'just my uniform..' i frown, looking down at myself.

tom's head erratically turns around, checking nobody is around. 'you walked down here like this?'

'..yes?'

'get inside, quickly.' he opens the door for me, and i rush inside, very very confused as to what is happening.

he looks at me again as i sit at the desk where he clearly prepared things. 'why did i have to rush in here?'

'because i don't want anybody else to see you like this.' he grunt, putting his books down before sitting beside me.

'why's that?' i say, a little hope bubbling inside of me that maybe it's because he only wants to see me like this.

'you ask too many questions. lets just focus on this' he says, avoiding eye contact with me.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

the whole study session i was incredibly nervous. i couldn't write properly because my hands were shaking so much. my cheeks constantly red through the whole thing. i sigh as he packs things away, 'thankyou for helping me, tom'.

'it's okay' he says nothing else before heading to the door.

i don't know why, but he seems even less interested after that. he is barely talking to me, his body language is just telling me he is uncomfortable. maybe he figured out my little plan and it put off by it? maybe he really just doesn't like me back. maybe i'm just not confident enough for him?

perhaps i should stop trying so hard.

i grab my own things and walk to the door with him. 'i-i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable tom, i'm sure you figured out what i was doing' i say with as much courage as possible. i feel ridiculously embarrassed. he looks at me and says nothing.

his face indicates nothing. nothing whatsoever. i take a deep breath. looking at him with glossy eyes, rushing out of the potions classroom and back to my dorm.

i jump on my bed, pushing my face in the pillow and letting a few tears go. i thought it would work, i really did think he might like me back. i was stupid to think so. he doesn't really feel anything for anyone. and i made such a fool of myself, trying to flirt or complimenting me, wearing this revealing uniform. oh god i want the ground to swallow me hole.

i just curl up into a ball and fall asleep soon after.

tom on the other hand, is left feeling very very confused. he doesn't know why he feels this way, why did he get a pang in his chest when he saw my glossy eyes? why couldn't he seem to breathe properly around me? he has never felt this way for anybody and he doesn't know what to do.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

the next day i head to breakfast, nervous about seeing tom there. he always sits at the end of the table alone, so it's inevitable he will see me as i walk into the great hall. i try and get there as early as possible, hoping i arrive before he does.

but no, he is sat there, and his head shoots up the second he sees me walk into the hall. my cheeks flush insanely red, my hands beginning to sweat a little as i feel his burning gaze on me.

i rush to the table, sitting by myself at the end too, not really wanting to tell my friends what happened.

tom sees me sitting alone and furrows his eyebrows. before even thinking, he stands up and walks over to sit directly opposite me on the ravenclaw table. i look up at him and panic.

'why are you sitting alone?' he says, staring at me.

'um, i just didn't feel like talking to my friends this morning' i gulp, frantically trying to avoid his gaze. he glances down to see them all staring with their jaws dropped.

'pathetic.' he mutters.

'you think im pathetic?' i say, eyes softening at him.

'no, quite the opposite' he mumbles, nodding his head down the table. 'that is pathetic'. my cheeks flush a little as i giggle at him. looking back up at him, i give him a soft smile.

'why did you come over here, tom?'

'because i don't want to see you sitting by yourself.' he says, taking a bite of his breakfast. 'come on, eat something. we have class soon'.

i do as he says, of course, but i am also extremely confused as to what is happening. from how he was acting yesterday, to this? i am very confused. but secretly i am really enjoying this.

'so, how about another study tonight?' he says bluntly. my eyes nearly shoot out of their sockets and my heart nearly came out of my chest.

'o-oh, um sure' i smile, covering my nerves.

'and you can wear that little outfit again. just don't let anybody see you on the way'. i nod quickly at him. and we quietly had breakfast together. he walked me to my class, which left my hiding my smile under my hand in class.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

i take a deep breath as i wait for tom to arrive outside of the class. i tap my feet on the floor in anticipation. my god, am i nervous.

'get inside, quick' he says, opening the door for me again.

i smile a little, rushing inside and sitting back in my normal seat. but there is nothing here set up to study like last time. he raised an eyebrow at me and slowly walks over as i look at him confused.

'what are we doing today tom if there isn't anything here?' i ask, turning to him as he sits beside me.

'oh i think we both know studying isn't the reason we are doing this' he says, turning to me slightly.

i almost choke on the air.

'i don't know what you've done to me, but i can't stop thinking about you' he sighs. 'it's awful, really. i haven't ever felt this way before, i was up most of the night figuring my feelings out. now i worry i am stuck, wanting you with me at all times when i can't'.

'yes, you can'. i jump to answer. 'just give me the word and i'm yours'.

'mine?' he hums, as i stand up and stand in between his legs, looking up at him.

'yours'.

he puts his hand on the side of my face. 'i hope you know what you've gotten yourself into. I'm not easy, darling'. he sighs.

'i'll get used to it' i smile.

'if i see any other man in the same proximity as you, i can't promise i won't hex them'.

'id like that' i hum.

'come here' he murmurs, pulling me closer into him, connecting his lips onto mine. and i melt. i've been wanting this for so long. his tongue swipes against my bottom lip, deepening the kiss as my hands wrap around his neck, pulling him to stand with me and wrap his arms around my waist.

'lets go back to my dorm. i have my own dorm because i hate everyone.' he mumbles against my lips. i giggle at him, pulling back and nodding. 'lets go' i agree.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

the next morning, i walk into the great hall for breakfast. tom's eyes find mine as he gives me a very small, but cheeky grin.

he stands up and walks over to my table before i can sit down.

he grabs my chin, pressing a kiss against my lips softly right in front of all my friends. as if to prove a point.

'see you in class, baby'.

i smile at him as he walks back to the slytherin table. i look down at my friends,

'what on earth?!' they shout.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥

a/n; and we're done! please give me feedback if you liked this, or not. my first ever fic ahh! <3 love u angels.

#tom riddle x reader #tom riddle x y/n #tom riddle x you #hogwarts #harry potter #slytherin boys x reader #slytherin boys #voldemort

222 notes · View notes

silentcryracha · 1 year

Text

❍ ‗ Taking care of you during your period x hyung line (skz) ‗ ❍

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Pairings : Chan x reader, Minho x reader, Changbin x reader, Hyunjin x reader

Genre/warnings : reader has periods, breasts are mentioned, mention of painkillers/mood swings/blood (yk), nothing else just fluff and really sweet boys

Summary : Like the title says, the oldest boys take care of you when you have your period. You are their s/o in this. Half headcanon and half scenarios.

Word count : 1.5 k

A/n : I'm currently on the FLOOR trying to get through this so I just, indulged myself I guess lmao! I hope it'll be an enjoyable read and also if any of y'all is also suffering now, good luck babes we got this <3

ps: There could be grammar errors, my first language isn't english!

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Chan ‗ ❍

First of all, he wouldn't be weirded out or immature about it at all, he grew up with women in his family so he wouldn't be completely oblivious. Second thing, he seems to be natually very nurturing and attentive, so you know for sure that you'd be well taken care of, more than usual.

Depending on how this time of the month would be for you, he'd act accordingly. For example, if you are usually on time or late, if you tend to suffer more or less. In general he'd probably remember the days/week and always make sure to have a little bit of every essential thing at home beforehand. Sanitary products, painkillers, snacks, comfort food; you name it, he got it. Wether you lived together or not, doesn't matter.

In the best case scenario you'd just be having a shitty day and he would make sure to spend time with you (full day if he's not working, and even then he'd check on you multiple times), taking care of you, cuddling and probably babying you more than you need. And you'd let him of course, even just to show him you appreciated him caring for you. He would be really attentive but... chill at the same time. He just wants you to be comfortable, not further stress you out.

On the other hand, if you were someone who usually hurt a lot or maybe had some issues related to your condition, then he would be more clingy. If hugs and cuddles were an actual solution you'd be CURED.

He hated seeing you in pain regardless, but if the pain in question was out of the norm/more severe he would absolutely be in the worst mood. Again, every supply possible would to be 100% ready at the right times, and you truly wouldn't be allowed to lift a finger.

"Channie, baby, I've been handling this stuff since forever, I'll be fine, okay?" and then he'd frown and pout like "But I want to take care of my baby, that's the least I can do". Of course you wouldn't be able to refuse him even if you wanted to, so you'd just end up accepting the help making sure to thank him all the time to let him know how grateful you were for him. <3

Minho ‗ ❍

Minho just kind of learned along the way how to take care of you at the best of his abilities. Something that seems to be very important to him is health, and you having your period to him it's almost like a seasonal cold. Something that just kind of happens? He would learn which foods or beverages help the pain/body, or the things that would make you feel better, but he'd be kinda random about it? lol.

"You know what? I really feel like eating some good meat for dinner" and he'd pull some shit like "Actually, I was thinking of salmon for tonight. You know, it would be very good for you now", Not gonna lie you would be lowkey impressed that he bothered to search up stuff like that in the first place. He wouldn't be pushy though, he couldn't deny you even if he tried. Want a specific dinner/dessert? It's yours. You want to watch a movie and cuddle? Done. Or do you just want to sleep and hug? Good enough for him. He just really wants you to have a calm and comfortable day.

This being handled as a health matter would also mean that he'd probably be quite precise with keeping track of the days/week. If being irregular wasn't a usual thing for you, one day late and he'd be asking questions lol.

"How are you feeling?" "Do you need anything from the store?" "Need any help?" and so on. Especially if we were talking about a person with more severe pain/issues.

At this point he would be a little more insistent with the whole "take care of yourself right" but only out of worry and you knew it. "I made some ginger tea for you" "But-" and you wouldn't be able to finish the sentence without him raising one eyebrow like 'I dare you'. Two minutes after the cup was EMPTY. You'd also get belly rubs with warm hands afterwards so it's okay :')

Minho would never miss to make you feel loved and taken care of, it's like he needs you to know that you can count on him whenever you need.

Changbin ‗ ❍

Changbin also grew up with a sister but I feel like he was the baby of the family so I think he'd try to replicate that more than anything. His s/o would be treated like royalty regardless, don't get me wrong, but during this time I feel like he'd feel bad for you and the fact that he can't really help, and would try to 'fix it' by indulging you a lot.

He probably wouln't keep track of the days/week, just in general. But, I think that he'd realize it quickly when you start acting a little off or being fatigued, and at that point he'd piece it together quickly and offer his help if he can. And if he can't, then he'll just settle with random gifts that could cheer you up. It could be something cute like a plushie, a treat like your favorite sweets, or something more unique like an expensive gift. You don't want him to spend such money on you, but you lowkey know that's his love language and appreciate it ten times more for it. He would also remind you of it "Shh, you know I love to spoil my princess", that would make you melt and he knows it well.

In a more severe case I think that he would make sure to not let you lift a finger. Dinner? Dishes? Medicines? Cuddles? Tissues for a particularly off moment? The remote being an inch too far? HE'S GOT IT. Changbin would also probably try to be there for you physically during this time and would get annoyed when he can't manage. At that point expect multiple calls and texts throught the day and maybe even a few cute selfies too that would never fail to make you smile and lift your mood.

If you happened to be crying, he would try to handle himself but just wouldn't be able to do it so you'd probably have a nice liberating ugly cry session together and then fall asleep hugged comfortably :(

He would also make sure that you're comfortable wherever you are, and that usually means completely laying on him, the best pillow in the house.

Hyunjin ‗ ❍

Hyunjin is shy and an empath, we know. I feel like at the beginning of your relationship he could be a little uncomfortable handling this situation, mainly because he'd like to help in some way but would be unsure of how to ask. You would also probably try to hide it or not mention it, you know like in early stages of any relationship, but out of shyness more than anything. You know he's a very sweet guy and he would probably feel bad that you feel bad. And he does.

One day during movie night you'd probably unintentionally flinch or hiss at the pain and then he'd decide that he had ENOUGH and would blurt out a "Can I do anything for you?". You'd be kind of taken aback but appreciate it a lot. You would give in "Yes actually" you wouldn't have to say it twice before he's back with what you asked for.

From that moment on I feel like it would be a process for him to learn how to know you and your needs and after a while he would just...do it. Which were your habits or comfort foods, your preferred type of sanitary products to use, what could make you uncomfortable and so on.

I feel like he wouldn't necessarily intentionally keep track of it but would randomly look at the date and go "Mhh, isn't this that time of the month?" and you'd probably show up with a belly ache and an extreme need of hugs so yeah he'd be like "I figured" and kind of laugh at you being cute.

You'd probably have something silly like a "Cursed week" playlist to cry to or a specific list of things to watch that would absolutely wreck you emotionally because why not. And you'd plan it together and go back to them like a routine. You probably have a very sad or angsty tv show/drama that you go back to once a month just to either cry your eyes out or comment together like two bitter old ladies. And you have a blast.

Hyunjin would try to be lowkey about it though. Once he learned how to properly take care of you he would just do things and not be obnoxious about it. Like he would be they type to leave a sticky note for you before leaving for work that said "Good morning my love. Remember to take it easy and take some medicine if you need, I love you <3"

In general I think that he would be the type to try and distract you as much as possible, wether it was with some nice cuddles to warm you up or even tease you to make you laugh. He could be out of pocket sometimes but that's exactly what makes it hilarious.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

This is it for the hyung line! Maknae line link. Hope you enjoyed my silly writing, feel free to leave feebacks if you feel like it :')

849 notes · View notes

bigfatbimbo · 4 months

Note

Velvette lover anon again!! Thank you for enjoying my rambles lol, I have a lot of Thoughts about Velvette (if that wasn't obvious lol).

I would absolutely love some dating headcanons about Velvette!!! I actually have a few of my own headcanons about her!!

- When you two first start going out, she views it as a casual thing. You're just a little side project in her mind, something to entertain herself with on her off hours.

- She's not one of those obsessive losers (like Valentino) who feels the need to always be in control of the one they desire.

- But that's not quite the case, as you slowly take over her insta page, as she starts making more and more time for the two of you to go on dates, when thoughts of you start slipping into her work day.

- She probably doesn't even notice how obsessive she belongs until someone like Vox points it out to her. She's quick to deny this fact, but she's never been one for ignoring reality and clinging to an idea just because it's "safer", so it doesn't take long for her to realize that she actually cares about you.

- like a lot. Like a LOT lot.

- though I don't think she shies away from this fact. She's adaptable! You don't rule the fashion business in the media age without being able to roll with the punches.

- She takes her newly realized feelings in stride, and actually makes more of an effort to spend time with you and romance you. Before she was fine if you got enough of her and called it quits, in her mind that just meant you were too weak to handle her. Now the idea of you leaving her fills up with a sickly devastation she hasn't felt before.

- Honestly at times it can across as a bit much (Velvette is nothing if but persistent) and at one point you will have to sit down and have a talk with her that amounts to basically "I'm not going to ditch ya! I really, really like you too."

- Now getting into more of the fluffy headcanons, I imagine that Velvette really likes dressing you up. She could spend hours putting you in different outfits and having you model for her.

- You hopefully have a walk in closet because she is gifting you a LOT of different clothing.

- Somehow Velvette finds that you make even the ugliest clothing look good, though she rarely ever lets you out into public without the "best of the best".

- Velvette will try to make you an actual model. It doesn't matter if you don't fit the "criteria" at all, to her you are perfect.

- It takes a lot of convincing that you're not ready to be a model. Your objections about "stage fright" being over ruled by "it's all online, babe! No one has to be in the room besides me!"

- Eventually you are able to convince her that modeling isn't for you, but she still keeps the photos on her phone for her to look at.

- Velvette LOVES matching couple outfits. Though she's a lot less obvious about it then other couples. The outfit doesn't actually have to match, maybe the bracelets compliment each other, or the couple scheme goes together.

- I feel like Velvette would really like showing you off. She knows that she got the best babe in hell and wants to rub it in everyone's faces. So expect a lot of public dates to fashion shows and fancy restaurants.

- Though, funnily enough, she finds that the dates she enjoys the most are ones in private. Where the two of you are cuddling on the couch watching shitty reality TV in un-fashionable tee shirts and eating a tub of ice cream.

- There's an intimacy there she isn't used to, one where she feels like she can let go of all her walls. Where she can be gentle.

I don't have any smut headcanons for her (I'm not the best at writing smut). So I'll leave that to you if you feel like it! Anyway I hope you like my headcanons!!!

UM GASP!?? these headcanons are the cutest thing i’ve ever read oh my gosh! i love your take on velvette it’s honestly so nice to read.

Infact, i’m going to save my personally headcanons (sfw and nsfw) for later because this has totally convinced me to write for velvette more.

Seriously like expect headcanons soon because she is taking over my brain

She’s my baby and i LOVE HER <333

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel velvette #headcanons #inbox open #hazbin hotel fluff

158 notes · View notes

daze4all · 5 months

Text

Gifts for You From Him HSR Verison

Dan Heng, Jing Yuan, Argenti Gifts Reader for Christmas Drabble

Dan Heng gifts a book probably practical but possibly a fun fantastical read, more likely a book about strange beasts found in the wild he archived, or historical information about the many planets that would be useful on a trailblazing journey.

"I thought you would enjoy reading about this" he'd say practically maybe a bit embarrassed tip of his ears red if he ended up giving you the wrong book by mistake maybe about romance lol.

"It would be good to learn about this during our trailblazing " He'd say as he hand over the wrapped book that reader would tear open to see the cover

"....yes romance will be important...." Seriously intones reader reading the title of the book they received realizing it was a romance novel

"Yes, I put it together my--wait -romance? That's the wrong book take this one instead" says Dan Heng flustered as he takes out another from the archives a practical compendium of beasts he observed in the would and shoves it at you.

"I'll take both! Both seem useful~" says MC!Reader with teasing lilt as they take the second novel but refuse to relinquish the romance novel

Dan Heng blushing so hard that the tips of his ears even turn red as he coughs and tries to play it cool as he says "If that's what you wish..."

Secretly reader takes this a go to start making moves.

(Somehow I see this as Trailblazer Stelle or Caelus doing this lol)

Jing Yuan gifts a game set laying out intricate carved pieces made of precisely metal or stones out carefully with sweeping gesture "Shall we play ? "

Something like shogi, go, or chess that he would also offer to teach. A game to play and a master to spend time talking over to spice it up once you get it he may add the risk of bet.

Just make sure he doesn't sneak eat the pieces to win (as infleunced by meme just joking).

He'd probably beat you anyways as a master strategist without any tricks

But what will you give me if I win?" He purrs golden eyes flicking over set up the board a playful lazy smile like big cat on his lips.

Argenti gifts his signature argenti rose down on one knee like its proposal.

The closet approximation of giving himself as the a gift the classy way as well as "giving himself over to your beauty" he says

It's cheesy but the gift and gesture suits him being the quirky but gallant knight of beauty that he is.

#honkai star rail imagines #honkai star rail #dan heng #imbibitor lunae #honkai star rail x reader #hsr jing yuan #argenti honkai star rail #argenti x reader #argenti rose #argenti hsr #dan heng x you #dan heng x reader #dan feng #hsr dan heng #argenti #jing yuan fluff #jing yuan x you #jing yuan x reader #jing yuan

363 notes · View notes

lucy4-ever · 10 months

Text

nsfw headcanons about bill kaulitz pt2

!all NSFW!

he wether smirks or furrow his eyebrows all the time

when youre on top of him and riding him

he just keeps smirking at you and check you out

like he just analyses every part of your body

he's more into preliminairies

he loves cunnilingus, fellatio and well... 69

one thing he also absolutely ADORE

is when you suck him off and that he touches your hair and sometimes asks you if he can thrust his pp in your mouth directly

he loves using his fingers because you're very sensitive to its touch

he could barely touch your belly and would get you all flustereted

he loves doing it purpusely

like touching your thighs or neck in public and get you all work up by his touch

he's a a big ass tease in public

he loves when you give him unexpected physical attention

it's kinda hard for him to clearly say what he wants and what he needs

but he expresses it by writing it on a little note or by being affectionate

i think he doesn't like asking for things because he doesn't want you to get uncomfortable (he really appreciates you and the time you spend together so he doesn't want you to be on bad terms even for a short time)

anyway that was a bit deep lol

he likes randomly touching you

like hugging you, take you by the waist, the shoulder, run his hands on your upper and lower body

as i said, his love is definetly physical touch and quality time

so he likes to bring you on dates too, where it ends up by you two fucking in one or another's houses

told you he has lots of libido too :)

he moans without any shame

he's the typa guy to really let out his moans

not like average guys who tend to hide it

he literally moans every single time he feels like it

he is so submissive sometime

he'll ask stuff like :

"can i cum now? please my love"

"please let me cum baby"

he has LOADS of kinks

A LOT

blindfold kink first 😇

haha, he loves and hates not being able to see what you're doing to him 😝

kinda claustrophilia kink too

like, fucking in small spaces yk

okay now, maybe that's just me who find it hot

anyway

foodplay 🤭

like i see him putting ice cream or whipped cream on your body and eating it up

i dont think he's a fond of humiliation but he likes calling you slut, whore, bitch.. while he's praising you

also, katoptronophilia (mirror sex)

i feel like he has this kink, where he likes seeing himself fucking you and you being aroused af by the view you're confronted to

OBVIOUSLY ALL OF THE KINKS ARE PRACTISED UNDER YOUR CONSENT

also, car sex.

there, i said it

(i'll make a fanfiction about it)

i love bill.

please marry me.

anyway

apart from that, if you have specific kinks too, he may agree

so that you have perfect, respected, healthy sex 😘

author's note : now, ive written this by pure boredom. i think it's a bit lame but whatever. i'll probably make a pt3 one day. i just love bill. 😻

once again, thanks for all the notes you guys are leaving!! im happy you enjoy reading my posts. if you got any recommendationsj, just ask me anything :)

love yaaaaa!! 💕💕

#bill kaulitz #bill kaulitz smut #bill kaulitz headcanons #smut #tokio hotel #headcanons #bill kaulitz bf material #headcanon #reader x bill kaulitz

225 notes · View notes

kyuushi · 5 months

Text

I present (🎁) the character relationship chart from the first official fanbook! Big thanks to Pancake from the Kyuushi Discord server for the scans 🫶

The translation, cleaning, and typesetting were all done by me so please forgive any messiness & mistakes. But I'm always very open to feedback so feel free to reach out, especially if you notice tl issues!

Please don't repost the image around. You can just share the link to this post! (If I end up needing to make corrections, I will cry if an old incorrect version is floating around somewhere!!)

↓Some extra notes below the cut↓

****

I originally wanted to post this along with a more accessible version (aka text version) but unfortunately that would be a ton of extra work and I have other projects I'd like to spend my time on instead. I'm also not really knowledgeable about that stuff to begin with so I'm not sure what kind of format would be best for screen readers or other accessibility aids. If anyone else would like to take up the mantle and create a text version, please message me!

****

Translation Notes:

Mippiki: Written "３人と１匹" but read as "みっぴき," this word is very important to the Kyuushi fandom! It describes the main characters living in the office- Rona, Draluc, Hinaichi, and John. "Mi" comes from 3 and "ippiki" is how you would count 1 small animal, an armadillo in this case.

Sagyou's "hah? to respect ratio": The "hah?" here is like an exasperated sound he's making. In Japanese it was one of these babies: ぁ゙. So his frustration to respect ratio is 9 to 1.

Calling someone a typhoon/hurricane: I think this is probably self explanatory but since I don't think this is a common expression in English, I'll explain a bit. Basically it's likening someone to the chaos and power of a storm.

Shot's "filthy cool": In Japanese this is "ヨゴレかっこいい." I can't find instances of this phrase being used outside of Kyuushi so this seems to be a Bonnoki original? I've seen others tl this some different ways but I tried to make it sound kinda cool in English, though it also kinda makes no sense lol, sorry.

Tabiko being in the "vampires" section: Just in case anyone is confused, Tabiko is definitely a human. I think there just wasn't space to stick her anywhere else.

Manner calling Satetsu "big bro": "兄イ" in Japanese. I think most people recognize words like "onii-san" and "aniki" at this point but I'm not sure about just "anii" (also big brother) so I decided to tl it here. As you may have guessed, this is not him literally trying to adopt Satetsu as his brother, but rather a term of respect (albeit a teasing one). Satetsu is uncomfortable being called this, mostly because it reminds him of his embarrassing delinquent past.

Nagiri's nickname for John: I chose to keep this as "Maru" ("丸," literally "circle") just because I think it sounds like a cute nickname lol.

Fiasco calling Manner "spoiled rich boy": Originally "ボンボン" in Japanese. You might have heard a character called "bon" or even this kinda insulting version, "bonbon," before. It describes a young man from a rich family. I added "spoiled" because I thought it sounded too much like a complement just to call him "genius rich boy," even with "damn" in front 😂

Nuyan: John's "nu" combined with a dog's "wan" (bark). Remember that time Yomo hypnotized John into acting like a dog? That John never fully recovered from? Yeah.

****

As I said please do let me know if you spot any mistakes or have any questions or comments. You can even ask if you're just confused about who certain characters are or what the relationship arrow is indicating! Kyuushi has a ton of characters and they can be difficult to keep track of, especially for the English fandom which doesn't have access to all the materials.

Thanks if you actually read all of these walls of text 🫡

#kyuuketsuki sugu shinu #kyuushi #the vampire dies in no time #tvdint #my translation #i spent 329084092 hours on dis guys pls pray for me #cleaning is so not my forte #i never want to see a checkered or polka dotted bg again in my LIFE #*looks at second fanbook relationship chart which has huge polka dotted section* meep #meant to post this yesterday on xmas day but i got a migraine so umm better late than never amirite

89 notes · View notes

notoriousmasc · 3 months

Note

As someone who's written and read a fair amount of stories with fat or weight-gaining characters, do you have any advice on how best to convey fatness and everything that comes with it in text? I'm a very visual person, and there are certain things (like physique, weight, etc.) that feel so much easier to convey in art than in prose. At the same time, overloading the story with attempts to get something as all-encompassing as the body a character has At All Times in every single line or paragraph (how they walk, sitting in furniture, etc.) feels unnecessary and perhaps risks turning readers away.

Any advice is appreciated, if you have any!

i'm going to assume that you're asking this in a sexy way, since i have a lot of people who follow me that wanna fuck fat people either because they're (speaking frankly and without judgment) fetishists, or because they have taste, so i think you're probably asking to convey how to describe the fat appearance as attractive. most of my advice is gonna revolve around that

first thing is that you probably shouldn't bring their weight into everything, that's kinda the same thing that fatphobic people do and even in reverse it still doesn't feel good. it really should only come up during bodily interactions, when describing appearance/feeling on appearance, or if the POV character just really wants to have sex with them. there's obviously other situations where it would be fine, but we could spend all day listing those, so i'll just keep it to my examples

that being said, when you do wanna bring it up, there's a couple ways to have it be natural and not scream I AM REPRESENTING A GROUP or anything like that. this is a flawed method since it can easily fall into infantilizing territory if you're not careful, but softness is a good place to start. even people who like skinny people like softness. soft skin, soft faces, boobs, they're all conventionally attractive things that are still related very closely to softness. when describing a fat character as attractive, softness and warmth as descriptors can make even people who don't find fatness attractive at least see where you're coming from.

in more risque works, the fit of clothes is also a good indicator of describing fatness. personally, i find the little indent of a belly-button on a slightly too small shirt really attractive, but other things are also good to write wrt fatness. the way the chest pushes up against a shirt, the fit of sleeves, butts, stuff like that is all a good visualizer of a person's size in a way that's attractive and natural-seeming

the last thing i can think of is probably just to like... not be coy? no one's going to kill you for saying a character has a big belly, and only reactionaries on either side would be mad at that being described as attractive. my man brennan has done both ends of this where he described alejandro in tuc as "extremely rotund", being vague, and an NPC in calamity as a "handsome man [with a] big stomach". it seems to be a very popular thing in YA romances that happen to have a fat love interest where they'll just kind of like, immediately switch to the fat one's POV during intimate scenes so that they don't have to describe someone finding a fat person attractive -- don't do that. you can be very upfront about what someone's body looks like. it's fine.

here's a piece of erotic fanfiction that goes about all of this very well. i'm not into wwdits, but like, yknow.

also, if you do wanna use a euphemism; if you describe a man as having "wide hips", people are gonna assume you mean he's fat. that's about all i've got in that department lol

#asks

32 notes · View notes

ahgasegotarmy116 · 7 months

Text

Semantic Error | A Jeon Jungkook Series | Chapter 5

Based off of Semantic Error (bl) by J Soori Summary: Jungkook begs to be the designer again. Pairing: Techie inexperienced fem!reader x Artist fuck boy Jungkook Work Count: 958 (something small since I haven't updated in a while) Warnings: Nothing really just some teasing but that shouldn't be surprising at this point lol a/n: Just wanted to put something out even if it's small since you guys really seem to be liking this story <3 I'll hopefully be coming back with a new chapter soon. You guys are gonna love the next one ;) Read from the beginning

After a long and arduous conversation that Jungkook had clearly planned to have from the beginning disguised by his intention to just "spend time with me" we've finally come to an agreement.

"So you lured me in here just to ask if you could be my designer for the game again? You could've just asked and not made me feel awkward by your strange request" I say walking out of the library with him following wherever I go. "Well yes, but I also just wanted to spend time with my new friend" he says and puts his arm around my shoulders. "Don't touch me" I say in a monotonous tone that seems to throw him for a loop as he quickly lets go.

"Last time I checked we weren't friends" I say looking down at my clock to see how much time I have left until my last class. "Oh you hurt me with your words babe" he says dramatically placing his hand over his chest. "Also can you quit it with the pet names? They make me feel uncomfortable" I say still looking down at my watch, trying to hide the blush that is most likely starting to form on my cheeks. "Uncomfortable...or flustered?" he says tilting his head down trying to catch my glance.

"I'm leaving" I say quickly turning towards the building that holds my next class. "Let me walk you to class" he says following me and falling in step when he catches up. "If I let you walk me to class will you stop calling me that?" I ask, keeping my eyes trained on my destination which isn't too far from where we are. "Maybe...but no promises" he says clearly amused with the pout that forms on my lip at his answer. "Whatever" I say under my breath realizing it's probably a lost cause anyway.

"Oh I forgot to ask! Since we're working on the game again I was thinking that maybe we could work on it in my studio" he says clearly hoping I say yes. "Why would we need to work together? You can just send me the files by the deadline agreed upon and do it on our own" I say going to grab the door handle when we finally reach the building but failing as he jumps in to open it for me but I walk in ignoring the gesture.

"Wouldn't it be more efficient if you were to give me your feedback while you're sitting next to me so we won't have to worry about going back and changing everything later because it didn't meet your standards? I promise it's really nice and it's only a few streets down from campus. I share it with another girl but she keeps to herself for the most part so you won't have to worry about her" he says trying his absolute best to convince me which really makes me question his motives but not enough to care.

"She's lesbian by the way so you don't have to worry about any of that" he says making excuses that he really shouldn't feel obligated to. "Okay? Not sure why that would concern me" I say and continue on, getting closer to my destination. "I'll think about it. It would be a lot more efficient like you had said but I'm not sure if the setup would prove to be productive for us" I say processing a little out loud.

"Just swing by after class. I promise I'll have the place sparking clean and you can feel free to rearrange anything you'd like so it'll work out well for the both of us" he says practically begging at this point. I wouldn't be surprised if he would resort to getting down on his knees for me...no! I mean, what? Why would I ever think about something like that?

Flustered by the mental image that thought had provided me I blurt out the first thing that would pacify the situation. "Yeah...I guess I could stop by" I say after clearing my throat getting rid of any awkwardness in my tone. "Cool, I'll come back after your class and we can go together" he says walking away leaving me chasing after him before he goes.

"Wait" I say taking hold of his sleeve and making him stop in his tracks. Once I've realized what I've done I quickly let go and look down the hallway back towards my class to make an excuse not to make eye contact. "Just text me the address and I'll meet you there" I say quickly and start to walk back before he grabs my wrist pulling me back leaving me unable to protest since I had done the same to him.

"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" he asks and brings his hand up to my jaw, guiding my eyes back over to his. "I'm not embarrassed I would just prefer to go on my own that's all. Plus you've wasted so much time on me today so you should just go do something productive. My class doesn't end until 8:30 so I'll come over right after" I say trying to convince him to just let me go on my own.

He searches my eyes for a while before caressing my cheek and I jump at the feeling not realizing he hadn't moved his hand yet. "See you then pretty" he says leaning in to say it so I'm the only one that can hear. I pull away from him and make my way back over to class quickly before he can see the blush that's flooded my cheeks immediately and I hear him chuckle behind me, happy he got the reaction he wanted.

What is he doing to me?

prev / next

Series Masterlist

Taglist: @jkslipppiercing @trina864 @goddesofimortality @kaitieskidmore97 @coolbluedude @00frenchfries00 @bangtans-momma @coralmusicblaze @pastelpinkjoon @joonwater @marvelbun @j3nni-rs @evidive @beomieboi @forevrglow

Join my Taglist

Feel free to fill out the form or comment below to be added :)

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts jungkook #jungkook smut #bts #bangtan #bangtan sonyeondan #kpop fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook angst #fanfiction #fanfic #kpop #semantic error

48 notes · View notes

genericpuff · 8 months

Text

I get asks like these a lot asking for my opinion about other webtoons outside of LO and Let's Play and ima be honest with y'all, if I haven't talked about it on this blog already, I probably don't read it. It's not for any lack of wanting to read comics, but it's sort of the nature of the beast - once you start making the medium you consume, you wind up with a lot less time to actually consume it. I don't keep up on nearly as many webtoons/webcomics as I used to, and it's partially because 1.) I'm too busy making them, 2.) the current oversaturation of the market means I'm not gonna really be compelled to try and read things unless it's something I'm really interested in, and 3.) I have ADHD so I already have a hard time starting new stories as it is, I often prefer just keeping up on comfort series that I know I like even if there are only a few of them LOL I know that means I'm likely missing out on a lot of great stories out there, but I can only keep up on so much stuff :')

Most of the comics I read nowadays aren't even on the WT app, it's stuff like Tale of Two Lovers, Alfie, Tamberlane, and Awkward Zombie. And whatever I DO read that's on the app, it's stuff that's being made by friends or stuff that fits a special interest that I've been following for a while. So webcomics like Time and Time Again, City of Blank, SHE MAKES HUNGRY, Growing Up Gerudo, Loving Reaper, and Zelda's Lullaby.

I'm frankly a bit old school so a lot of the stuff I read tends to be stuff that has its own independent site OR completely outside of the realm of webtoons and more into traditional publishing like manga.

That said, I do try to stay up to date on webtoons and newer series as much as I can as it's good for me to stay updated on what's going on in the industry and it means I'm exposing myself to new ideas and techniques, but I struggle with just picking up a webtoon and bingeing it for 10-20 episodes to see if I like it. So many of them now tend to just be the same thing with slightly different coats of paint. And I'm definitely not gonna pick up a webtoon just because people want my opinion of it, sorry but that's just not how this works LMAO Especially if it's a webtoon that people are expecting me to be critical of because it's written poorly, like why would I subject myself to reading something that I know right off the bat probably isn't gonna be enjoyable? Sure, if it's something REALLY bad I'll check them out to see what people are going off about or so I can form my own opinion, but I also don't want to be regularly subjecting myself to garbage that pisses me off when I could be reading stuff that brings me joy, I spend enough time being pissed off at LO and Let's Play as it is. I know, that's likely wild coming from me of all people, but I do like to enjoy things LOL It's not like I went into comics like LO and Let's Play hating them right off the bat, I actually used to really like those comics, until they either fell off or I spent more time reflecting on them and I realized how poorly written and drawn they were.

So no, sorry, but I don't have an opinion about webtoons like Unordinary or I Love Yoo or whatever have you and I can't guarantee I'll ever get around to reading them. If I do have an opinion about a webtoon, believe me, I'll post about them unprovoked, you won't need to ask me for them LMAO

#ama #anon ask me anything #anon ama #ask me anything

52 notes · View notes

bunny-hoodlum · 2 months

Note

not tryna start fights lol. i really enjoy the descriptions of your story’s (they’re really different than most nh stories) but i hate reading unfinished works 😭 ive read wayyyy too many nh stories that end up with cliffhangers so i just wanted to know if there’s any reason why they all seem unfinished before i start getting invested

It's just an odd question to ask, is all, and you could've started your ask with this. Think about how your question came off. I had zero context behind your question and it just sounded bad. Like, most fics online are unfinished. Or they don't get updated for a long ass time. Or the writers just update when they feel like it, as opposed to most who update whenever they can.

Some people have family obligations, physical and or mental health issues.

Me? I probably have ADHD-Primarily Inattentive, I can't afford a diagnosis just yet, but I've always struggled with motivation, organizing myself, energy issues, headspace/focus issues.

Does having multiple ongoing fics seem counterintuitive? Yes, absolutely. But also, no, not at all. Because I'm having fun having multiple things to jump between.

I didn't plan to start multiple things in such a short amount of time. I participated in NHMonth2023 to the best of my ability and found out I understood how to write and thus rly enjoyed short stories, after kind of avoiding and not trying for the entirety of my fandom activity. Being in the discord has inspired most of these new ideas and instead of letting then stay ideas that I might forget about, I decided to make them a reality.

It's really all circumstantial how my Ao3 got to the way that it is. None of this planned or on purpose or all that easy to explain. Look at how long this reply has gotten already.

If you're intrigued but can't get invested, there's nothing I can do about that. If you don't like waiting for something to finish, then you don't. You already know what you like, how you want to handle your reading experience, etc.

Writing takes time. Like a lot of fucking time. When I get in a groove, it takes me all day or all week if I'm lucky. I'm more motivated to finish a chapter in single sitting than I am getting up to eat on those kinds of days, and I wish they'd happen more but I can't be neglectful like that. There's chores, there's spending time with certain people, there's my job, etc.

I actually do gotta slow my roll because my husband is feeling kinda down lately, so I'm going to try and be more available for him and work on my fics at a more casual pace.

Maybe by the end of the year you'll be able to finally read a handful of my new short stories, cuz lord knows when I'll get around to completing my slowburns and doing them justice. 😅

But yeah, just don't read them if you only read completed works? What am I supposed to do about that? 😂 Check in again in a year, see if there's any completed works. That's rly all you can do.

#whew used up half my lunch to write all this ugh 🫠

20 notes · View notes

innitmarvellous · 2 months

Text

Part 2 of my ace contemplations - Part 1 can be found here - or more like: more whining, haha. Sorry.

First off something more general: I'm happy about the responses I got on the original post, but I think it's a bit sad that there isn't a hashtag or something for people who want and need the support of the aspec community here on Tumblr (without having to join a special forum or sth). Because it seems that while the community is quite active, it's mostly for sharing memes and snappy textposts and stuff, and less about more helpful things and discussions. I'm not saying the memes etc are wrong and shouldn't be a part of it too, but idk, I just wish there would be more of an actual community bond, if that makes sense? To help the people who aren't yet at the stage where they can view their identity as something great, people who are still struggling and are reliant on online communities for that kind of help.

Because for all the talk about the very active Tumblr aspec community...I personally haven't seen and benefitted much of it, apart from the memes etc. And I hope I'm not the only person who don't just want to agree with meme posts and would wish for more. Or am I just unfortunate? Looking in the wrong places? (In short, where are the nice supportive ace people of Tumblr? I'm desperate here...well, kind of.)

---

Something related to the books I mentioned in the original post:

these books are all written from such an US-centric, university-educated and creative business viewpoint. And that's just not my world at all, as an mostly unemployed European with crappy education.

Like, one time it was mentioned that aces always look out for each other and how great that is. And yeah, sure. It is. It would be great, but what about the people who aren't part of that lucky network or community? People who possibly haven't met another aspec person in real life? They are missing that kind of support, and maybe it would be the one thing that would make everything easier.

---

Another thing: I found the probably supposed to be inspirational stories from other aces in the books rather disheartening. Yeah, fine, so person XY found their perfect partner by luck, despite whatever made them think it would never work out, yadda yadda. Good for them, but that's not gonna happen to me, right? I'm not gonna strike that jackpot and will find someone who accepts me as I am. Maybe I'm just a really, really spiteful person, but stories like that don't inspire me or show me what's possible for me personally in any way.

---

Well, yeah, I never encountered that. Like, truly never. That's one thing where I'm very ace: I don't get what's supposed to be sexy about a (mostly) naked body. I understand a appeal of a open top button and bit of chest being visible or something like that (lol that sounded so stupid), but the body being in full view? Nah man, put on your shirt again before you catch a cold, lol. (And it's not just guys actually, but people of all genders, if I'm honest.) I should probably add that I absolutely don't mind seeing anything like that, it just doesn't do anything for me.

---

I guess my takeaway from all the reading I did isn't like for other people who don't feel wrong or broken anymore when they find out there are other aces out there. Even after knowing a lot about it I still feel like some crucial part of me is missing, and I could be more than what I am if that were possible. But then again, there isn't really a possibility for change, so I need to do my best to accept this. I just wish I had it easy one single time...why is basically everything about me so hard to accept? lol

Idk, but if I ever manage to convince myself that inevitably dying alone one day (and spending the time until then alone too) is a good thing, then I'm sure I'll be able to do anything. Now I only need to figure out how to convince myself and that's where it gets difficult, lol.

Being both aspec and too dumb/awkward to make friends is such a curse tbh 😓 And I can't even become a crazy cat lady because I'm bad with animals too, ugh...

---

In connection with the previous bit, I'm kinda envious of that way of thinking. Would make things much easier, I assume. And it's great if it worked for her, but I on the contrary would find it quite painful if I look back at my in a sense similar life.

---

And to counter all the hopelessness a little bit - we're supposed to do that kind of thing, I guess - I tried my best to come up with some positive points, although I take them with a grain of salt myself.

- Well, it does give me an explanation for whatever is going on with me. (Although I only need that explanation for myself, since I seem to give off so much sad loser energy that no one ever bothered to ask me whether I want a boyfriend or kids. They just look at me and think "nah, that's obviously impossible for her". Which is oddly funny yet a little bit hurtful... ^^')

- I'm kind of glad that I never actually have to hug people or cuddle with them since I hate physical contact so much, lol. Doesn't matter if it's platonic or not. Remember when everyone missed being hugged during the pandemic? Couldn't be me :D

- I guess someone who is a rather bad person with way too many negative traits like me shouldn't be on the dating market anyway, so it's a plus that I'm no relationship material. Although that's more of a plus for others, not so much for me, lol. But it is a plus in the sense that everyone I would fall in love with would be unattainable for me anyway, so it's good not to be tempted in the first place.

- Idk, that's about it, I think? Maybe I forgot something, but I believe that's the gist of it. Kind of sad, but I tried, haha.

#aspec #aroace #acespec #arospec #asexuality #aromanticism #asexual #lgbtqia #queer #i sure hope this will be the last part but i guarantee for nothing

25 notes · View notes

thoroughlymodernminutia · 5 months

Text

This Christmas - Prequel

Pairing: Benny "Borracho" Magalon x F!Reader

Word count: 8,219

Summary: This is a prequel of sorts to this from last year. It’s basically the how Benny and the reader met, etc

Warnings: Mostly Hallmark-style fluffy stuff, lots of pining, but brief mention of loss, guilt, some foul language. If I missed anything else let me know and I'll add it in.

A/N: I don’t know folks, I started writing this and was really chugging along and had a whole plan for how I wanted this to be. Then I got sick with everyone’s favorite illness from 2020 and lost a lot steam. I found, I think, a happy compromise with myself because I wanted to post this before Christmas (self imposed deadlines am I right?) and realized I can always I don’t know, post more parts of it later?? I am my own worst critic so if you read this and it isn’t your jam, please don’t say anything lol I’ve probably already thought it, so it would be redundant! Also, clearly, I do not know the proper use of a semicolon, or an em dash and I don't have an editor, so we'll all just have to deal. Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, all that jazz

-----------

It’s a little after six in the morning and they still haven’t rolled in. Usually, the five of them would have been here for an hour already; a few hungover, one still drunk, and the fifth one acting like an adult babysitter for the other four. It’s weird how this happens–people come into your little donut shop and after a while, instead of you becoming part of their routine, they become part of yours. Eventually they start to feel like stand-ins for the friends you hardly ever get to see. You’re busy with your business and they’re busy with their jobs and families.

It could feel lonely, but you have people like Noreen, who comes in every Friday to buy three dozen assorted donuts for her team. Noreen is kind and not the type of person you envision working at a private equity firm. When you were thinking about expanding into the small space next door, she looked at your plan and helped you figure out where you were being too aggressive and in some cases too shortsighted. She didn’t ask for anything in return, but you made sure her next three dozen donuts were on the house.

There’s Will, a retired teacher, who comes in every Sunday. He used to come in with his partner, Charles, and they would sit at the table you have set up near the front window. They traded off different sections of the newspaper while drinking their coffee and sharing one old-fashioned donut and one raspberry jelly donut; they never strayed from those. Charles passed away six months ago and it was unexpected. You didn’t expect to see Will for a while, but routine is hard to give up especially when it’s the only thing you have left. Every Sunday morning you set a 'reserved' sign on the table near the window.

There’s Stuart, who hangs out in the plaza your shop is located in. You’re not sure if he’s unhoused or just likes to spend his day outside, but it felt strange to always see him and not interact with him. One day you invited him to come by for coffee and a donut but he turned you down. You told him the offer was good for any time and that you hoped you’d see him in there soon. He came in a few days later and it made you feel like you were doing some good; and then you felt bad for feeling like that. Stuart’s reserved and not much of a talker so you just let him sit at a table while you go about your work. Some days he’ll start a conversation; it’s rare but it feels like you both trust each other enough to make more than small talk. If you don’t see him in his usual spot outside, you worry. He usually turns up a few days later, but you're concerned that at some point he won’t turn up and what are you supposed to do then?

There’s a handful of people that fall into this category of if they never came back you would notice. It’s because some of them are smart and kind like Noreen. Some because they sit in the same spot, newspaper sections still divided in two, like Will. Some because their silence fills your little shop, like Stuart. And some whose absence you would notice because they don’t fit into these boxes. Sometimes they can be loud or irritating; but they can also be entertaining. And they’re are always five of them, but only one that makes you feel like you’re thirteen and just saw your middle school crush.

They started coming in sometime in February. You only remember because the biggest one said he’s 'not eating a fucking, prissy, heart-shaped donut.' Some men are like that, afraid if they come in contact with something feminine that’s not a woman, that their dick will fall off. He was loud and obnoxious and only one of the other four looked truly embarrassed for the guy and for himself. He apologized for his friend and ordered five large coffees and a dozen glazed donuts.

“You sure glazed are going to be manly enough for your friend over there?”

You ticked your head over towards the table where his friends were sitting. He laughed and it was a surprisingly warm laugh for a man with neck tattoos.

“He won’t even remember being here, let alone what kind of donuts he ate.”

He sounded annoyed but used to the behavior. You remembered having friends like that, in your twenties, but you were well past that age and so were these guys by the look of it. You saw him eyeing an apple fritter so you grabbed it from the case, put it on a plate, and set it on the counter next to the box of donuts.

“On the house, since it doesn’t look like you’re getting paid for your babysitting duties.”

He smiled, said thank you, and then went to sit with his loud friends. You noticed he was quiet in comparison and thought it would be nice if they were all quiet like that.

When they were getting ready to leave you saw that the quiet one made sure all the trash was thrown away and all the dishes went into the right bin. At the door as they were leaving he gave you a small wave thanking you again. There was something about his smile that made it feel like flowers were blooming in your stomach. That feeling carried you for a week. You’d think of that moment of him at the door and a fog would enter your brain and the flowers in your stomach would grow larger.

The feeling would start to subside after a while and you would get caught up in your real life–your business, the rare time with your friends, the occasional bad date. It would slowly drift from the front of your mind to the back. Then they would show up and the cycle would continue.

The one who had the soft smile and neck tattoo, you learned his name was Benny. And that if you gave him a choice between the apple fritter and anything else, he would choose the apple fritter one hundred percent of the time. The loud drunk, that was Big Nick and he’s only been not drunk five percent of the time they’ve come in. There’s Connors, Zapata, and Henderson–you’ve only heard them referred to by their last names. A thing that you’ve only ever heard men do. They all come in once or twice a month–usually early, usually hungover. It makes you wonder what they do before they end up at your place. You never ask because to know would be to probably ruin your crush on Benny.

Benny always pays and there’s a part of you that hopes he’s doing it just for the chance to talk to you. When he leaves he always gives you a wave goodbye and a thanks again. The flowers in your stomach have bloomed and blossomed to an embarrassing degree by the end of May. And that’s when they stopped coming in.

—-

Benny shakes his head no at Connor’s who’s trying to hand him a beer, “Not feeling it tonight.”

Benny isn’t feeling it any night, but he keeps that to himself. The drinking, the cocaine, the women, none of it interests him and it hasn’t for a while. Since February if he’s being honest with himself.

They had ended up at your donut shop, Glazy for You under random circumstances. The usual place they would go to sober up after one of these parties had been closed down by the health department. He should have known it was bound to happen, the place was dim and oddly seedy for a diner. Benny was the designated driver that night, since he hadn’t been feeling well he didn’t drink and spent most of the night ushering random women out of a grim motel room. When he saw Glazy for You as he was driving by, it looked like the complete opposite of his evening; it was bright, there were Valentine’s decorations on the window. It looked comforting and warm, two things he felt like he was missing in his life.

Nick of course was an asshole and Benny felt like he spent a lot of time silently apologizing to you. His apologies must have entered you mind telepathically because you gave him an apple fritter–the best apple fritter he’s ever had in his whole fucking life. There must have been some kind of magic in because that moment lodged itself somewhere in his heart and reappears when he’s feeling low. Like now–sitting in this motel room, on this couch that probably hasn’t been cleaned in two decades, watching his friends lose their fucking minds over shit they should have outgrown.

Benny hasn’t seen you in months, ninety-seven days to be exact, not that he’s counting. They’ve been working on one case after the next and it’s left time for little else. No post drug test parties, no early mornings sitting in a donut shop waiting for everyone to sober up, no you. It’s been sleep and work for three months straight. Last time he saw you, it seemed like you were happy to see him. Maybe he imagined that feeling; misunderstood the warmth in your smile. Maybe that’s the smile that you’ve practiced in order to be able to perform it for everyone. Maybe everyone feels what he feels when they see you.

Benny sinks further into the couch and looks up at the ceiling. It’s a drop ceiling which brings back memories of a case he had worked on. While securing a crime scene, they were in the living room of a run down apartment. It had this same type of ceiling and a body fell right through it onto the floor. He thinks that maybe this is how it ended up being called a drop ceiling, because shit just drops right out. That thought, that memory makes him realize that he doesn’t want to be in this room anymore. He gets up, grabs his jacket off the back of the couch, and leaves. He hears Connors call after him as he’s closing the door but he doesn’t care. He only has one place that he wants to be right now.

—-

You’re putting a tray of bear claws in the display case when you hear the door open. It’s still early, the sun is barely up, pink and purple hues are still in the sky. You get a lot of municipal workers that come in at this time, barely past opening. So it’s a little bit of a surprise when you get a glimpse through the display case of Benny walking in, alone.

There’s a second while you’re crouched down, adjusting the tray that you let yourself be excited; allow yourself to give into the childish feeling of getting a glimpse of your crush. Your knees are wobbly as you stand up–unsure if it’s because you’re getting old or because he’s looking right at you.

“Oh hey, how’ve you been?” You wipe your palms on the front of the apron you’re wearing. “It’s been a while.”

You try to sound neutral, neither excited to see him or disappointed that it's been so long. He smiles and that familiar sensation of flowers blooming returns.

“We’ve been working on a lot of cases and it’s been hard to find time for anything else.”

You lean forward and rest your arms on top of the bakery case.

“Cases? You guys are lawyers?” As the words leave your mouth you realize how truly stupid it sounds. You’ve never in your life seen any lawyers that look like these guys.

Benny chuckles and rubs the back of his neck, something he does when feels embarrassed or self conscious.

“No, definitely not lawyers. Detectives. We work for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department.”

You fail at suppressing a laugh, “I’m sorry. All of you are detectives? Even your friend Nick?”

Benny knows your laugh isn’t mean spirited and if he were you, he’d probably laugh too, knowing what he knows about the people he works with. He moves closer to display case and leans in.

“Even Nick. You seem surprised.”

“It’s just. I.” You pause, trying to choose your words with care, because you like Benny and you don’t want to insult him, “I mean, it’s hard to imagine being a victim of a crime or something and like Nick is the person taking your statement, trying to help you. That is my nightmare.”

You hope you don’t sound like an asshole, but the idea of Nick serving and protecting seems like a stretch. If you offend Benny, he doesn’t show it, he just laughs.

“The way that you’ve seen him, I can understand the sentiment. He’s not like that a hundred percent of the time. I promise.”

You give Benny a joking look, “Okay, but what percentage are we talking here?”

You’re both laughing when the rest of the guys walk in. The rowdiness is a shock to your system after not dealing with it for a while. You look at Benny and he’s no longer leaning in towards you and maybe you’re projecting, but you think he looks a little disappointed too.

Benny’s disappointed, but he tries his best to hide it. The guys may be drunk, but they are cops and they are perceptive. Benny already knows he has a reputation among them as being soft. It used to bother him, but it hasn’t for a while. He knows he would rather be soft than be the type of man that can’t feel anything other than bitterness and rage.

“Borracho, you fucking asshole, you left us.”

Nick, is of course loud and slurring his words. Benny hopes you can’t understand Spanish–he doesn’t want to be known as a ‘drunk’ to you.

Benny turns from you to look at the guys. Connors is propping Nick up; Henderson and Zapata are stumbling towards a table.

“I was hungry.”

Benny hopes it’s enough to shut Nick up. He knows it’s not because he sees Nick loosen himself from Connors and stumble towards him. He claps a large, drunk hand on Benny’s shoulder and the force almost knocks him backwards.

“Fuck, Borracho. You’re no fun anymore.”

Nick is a mess and that’s not really that surprising to you. What is surprising is how uncomfortable Benny looks. He has the look of a man who would give anything to disappear. You can’t really blame him, these guys, Nick especially, are exhausting to be around and you only deal with them for a few hours a month.

“Can I get you guys something or are you just going to loiter?”

Benny looks towards you and you give him a sympathetic smile. He shakes Nick off of him and is about to order when Nick lurchers towards the counter that you’re standing behind. You step back as he unsuccessfully tries to paw at you.

“I know what you can get me, sweetheart.”

Benny groans and runs a hand over his face, “Jesus Christ, Nick. Shut the fuck up.”

You step closer to the counter and lean forward, putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“What did I tell you about calling me ‘sweetheart’?”

Nick tilts his head to the side and mutters, “That the next time I do it, you’ll put my head in the deep fryer.”

You pat his shoulder, “Good, you remember.”

You hear Zapata, Henderson, and Connors–who’s joined them at their table laughing and chanting do it, do it.

You gently push Nick away from the counter, “Go sit down unless you’re willing to see if I’m serious.” You look over at Benny, who no longer looks like he wants to disappear. “Benny, five coffees and a dozen glazed, right?”

Benny nods his head, “Yeah, that’s good.”

Nick turns around and starts walking towards where Connors, Zapata, and Henderson are sitting. He jerks his thumb back towards you, “She’s no fun either.”

Benny feels awkward standing here, watching you gingerly place twelve glazed donuts in a box and then pour five large coffees. It’s calming though, watching you do routine things, like you’re slowly rooting out the anxiety of being around drunk idiots. You put the coffees in a tray and place it down on the counter next to the donuts.

Benny pulls out his wallet to pay, “Uh, sorry,” he pauses, he’s sorry about a lot suddenly, “sorry about Nick. He was acting like an asshole.”

You shrug and hand Benny his change, “Don’t worry about it.”

Benny is sitting with the guys and can’t help feeling like he’s messed something up. You didn’t give him an apple fritter like you normally do. He wonders if you’re mad that he didn’t do something more when Nick was acting like an asshole. Maybe he’s overthinking it–he can’t expect you to give him a free donut every time you see him. It’s possible he’s misread the situation entirely, that you’re just friendly and nothing more. He watches you behind the counter adjusting things, bagging up donuts for customers that have come in. When Benny checks his watch for the time, he misses seeing you slip an apple fritter in a bag and write 'Benny' in a tidy script.

You watch the guys start filtering out of your place; Nick and Connors are first and from the store window you can see them getting into separate cabs. Benny is still throwing trash away as Henderson and Zapata leave. They share a cab and you imagine that maybe they rallied enough to start drinking again at 7:30am. You see Benny heading towards the door and it looks like he’s leaving without giving his usual wave goodbye. Your stomach sinks a little–maybe he’s mad at you for not joking around more with Nick or the other guys. Or it could just be that he’s tired and wants to go home and you’re creating feelings that aren’t there.

You grab the bag with the apple fritter from below the counter and hold it up, “Hey, you forgot something.”

Benny looks at the bag with his name on it–it’s the nicest handwriting he’s ever seen. He walks over to the counter and takes the bag from your hand, your fingers overlapping for a fraction of a second.

“So this means you’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you? Wait, you think because of Nick?” You look at him strangely as he nods his head yes, “He’s the idiot, I’m not going to hold that against you.”

Benny smiles, “That’s good to know.” He starts walking away, but stops when he gets to the door, holding up the bag with the donut, “Thanks again. I’ll see you later.”

“Take care, Benny.”

—-

“You like that girl at the donut place?”

It sounds less like Connors is asking you a question and more like stating a fact. Benny’s a little caught off guard and pretends to start looking for something on his desk.

“What?”

Benny tries to sound confused, like he’s never even heard the word donut before.

“At the donut place. The girl who runs it, are you into her or something? You always act fucking weird when we’re in there.”

Benny thinks back to all the times they’ve been at Glazy for You, trying to remember his behavior. Did he look at you for too long? Say ‘goodbye’ in a way that sounded like he didn’t want to leave. Benny opens the bottom drawer of his desk and pretends to look for something.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Benny knows he doesn’t sound convincing and Connors must hear it too because he keeps going.

“Really?” Connors sounds incredulous. “You’re always lingering at the counter. She’s always giving you free donuts. Any of this ringing a bell for you?”

Benny can feel Connors staring at him. He closes the desk drawer and goes back to looking at the file on his desk.

“Maybe she likes giving away free donuts. I really couldn’t tell you.”

Connors crumbles a piece of paper into a ball and lobs it at Benny’s head, hitting him just behind the ear.

“Whatever you say asshole.”

—-

The summer goes by quickly–it’s one of your busier seasons. School is out, the weather is nice–there are day camps, company off-sites, and sleepovers. All the types of occasions where the people in charge don’t want to make breakfast but need to provide it. Benny and the guys come in a few times throughout the summer. It feels a little different from before. Benny doesn’t linger at the counter as much anymore and sometimes one of the other guys pays. It’s stupid little things that you shouldn’t notice, but you do, because they used to be part of your routine. It’s embarrassing thinking you let this crush on Benny become such a big part of your life that you’d notice he didn’t pay last time or the time before that. It’s that embarrassment that makes you start building a wall around that garden in your stomach so the flowers can’t reach your heart.

It’s the end of October when you’re opening up one morning and it registers for you that you haven’t seen Stuart since some time around June or July. His absence gnaws at you. You feel like a bad person for not noticing sooner; that feeling that you failed someone even though they weren’t your responsibility. You don’t know what to do or if there’s anything you actually can do. So when you see Benny a few weeks later it feels like a little bit of a last resort when you ask for his help.

—-

You were hoping that Benny would be the person paying this time when they all came in, so you could mention Stuart without having to pull him aside. But he doesn’t and it makes you a little anxious trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about something serious. So it’s a relief when it looks like he’s going to be the last one to leave. He’s behind Connors and when Connors makes it out the door, you stop Benny who’s close behind.

“Benny, hey. Do you have a second?”

You come out from behind the counter, nervously smoothing the apron tied around your waist in short downward strokes. Benny stops and lets the door go from his hand. You look upset and he hopes it’s not because he’s been acting standoffish lately. Ever since Connors asked about you, he’s been trying his best to act normal–whatever that means–around you.

“Did Connors’s card get declined again?”

You let out a small laugh, “No. Um, I was actually wondering if you could help me with something.”

Benny steps a little closer to you. You have some powdered sugar on your cheek and he has to stop himself from brushing it off.

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on?”

“This is probably going to sound weird, or stupid. Maybe both. But there’s this guy who h—”

Benny cuts you off; his voice is a little rougher, “If someone is bothering you, I’ll take care of it.”

You laugh awkwardly, “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. It’s this guy, Stuart. He usually hangs out around here and I have him come in sometimes for coffee or donuts and I haven’t seen him in…since maybe July, I think? I’m just a little worried.” You pause and try to read Benny’s face to see what he’s thinking, “Sorry, this probably sounds stupid to you. I don’t even know what I’m asking.”

Benny scratches his jaw piecing together what he thinks you’re getting at, “Do you know his last name?”

You notice that Benny’s voice has gone back to the soft tone that you’re used to. He’s looking at you with compassion and not like you’re stupid or some kind of burden. Benny is the kind of person that you would want helping you in a crisis and it makes you wish there were more people like him in his line of work.

“I don’t, but I printed a photo from the security camera I have.” You walk over to the counter and lean over, grabbing the photo from under the register. “I don’t even know if you can do anything with that. I watch a lot of crime shows. Don’t judge me.”

Benny laughs and shakes his head as you hand him the photo.

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Yeah of course. It’s…I don’t know. I’d feel like a bad person if something were to happen to him and I could have helped.”

Benny feels bad because he knows how these things generally end up. Usually there are no happy endings.

“You can’t put that on yourself.”

You nod your head, “I know, but still, you know?”

Benny understands the feeling and also understands it’s easier to tell someone something isn’t their fault than to know it yourself.

As Benny leaves you start to feel a bit lighter. Like someone has taken some of your worry, some of your concern and is carrying it for you; so you aren’t so weighed down.

—-

“What was that about?”

Benny is surprised to see Connors waiting for him in the parking lot.

“Nothing. Well, I guess there’s some guy, homeless, I don’t know. He usually hangs out around here. She hasn’t seen him for a while. She’s worried.”

Connors flicks a cigarette on to the pavement, “Figures she’s one of those bleeding heart types. What did you tell her?”

Benny pats his jacket and then his pants pockets feeling around for a pack of cigarettes, forgetting briefly that he’s trying to quit. Connors pulls his pack from his pocket and tosses them to Benny.

Benny pulls a cigarette out, “I told her I’d look into it.”

Connors laughs and hands Benny a lighter, “Chump.” He waits a beat for Benny to light his cigarette, “But, if you want. We can start looking into it now.”

Benny’s grateful it’s Connors out here and not one of the other guys. Benny and Connors go back further than just Major Crimes and he’s someone Benny would trust with his life.

—-

Benny’s worried that he’s going to have to deliver you bad news. Best case scenario seems like Stuart is in jail. Not great, but it would mean that he’s alive. Worst case scenario is that he can’t find Stuart and that usually doesn’t mean anything good. Benny is suddenly hoping for some kind of miracle for a person he doesn’t even know.

The photo you gave him does turn out to be useful. Connors is able to find him in the system through facial recognition. Stuart Morton has a record; a few arrests for driving while under the influence and some time in a county jail. Benny is able to get a last known address but it’s over a year old. It’s a sober living house that’s not actually that far from Glazy for You. He doesn’t have much hope that going there will bring him any closer to finding Stuart.

It takes a couple of weeks, but Benny is finally able to meet with David, the director of the sober living facility. He finds it’s better to meet with people in person. Talking with people over the phone, he’s learned, makes it easier for them to not give you the information you need. David of course is a little guarded at first with Benny; not wanting to share anything that could get Stuart in trouble, which Benny can’t really fault him for. Benny explains the situation, that the owner of a donut shop near here is worried because they haven’t seen him in a while. When Benny mentions your name to David, he lights up.

“Her glazed old fashioneds are the best ones in this entire state.” He pauses and to Benny it looks like he’s getting lost in the memory of a donut, a feeling he knows well.

“I didn’t realize you two knew each other.”

David turns away from Benny to look through a drawer in a filing cabinet, “Just this year we got to talking and she’s been generous enough to donate breakfast here every month. And recently she’s been working with us on a job training program at her bakery.”

Benny thinks back to Connors calling you a ‘bleeding heart’ and is glad he came here by himself.

“She didn’t mention anything about knowing Stuart lived here.”

David pulls a folder from the cabinet and thumbs through it, “Stuart is the type to not overshare, so that doesn’t surprise me.” He pauses to write something down on a piece of paper and hands it to Benny, “Here. This is his sister Noreen’s information. When he left, he was going to be staying with her for a while. Might still be there.”

Benny barely makes it to his car before calling the number that David gave him.

—-

“Wait, so you’re saying that Noreen, the Noreen that comes in here, is Stuart’s sister?”

It’s late in the day, near the time that you close up. You and Benny are sitting across from each other at the table near the window. It’s hard to believe what he’s telling you, that Stuart used to be a resident at the sober living facility, the one where David works; that Noreen is Stuart’s sister and somehow all these dots never got connected for you.

“She didn’t realize that you two were,” Benny pauses looking for the right word, “friends. She feels terrible that you didn’t know he had moved out of the state and were worried. She said he’s doing well.”

You’re quiet for a moment, trying to take in everything Benny has been telling you. It’s a lot to process, considering you had been preparing yourself to hear bad news. You can feel your eyes fuzzy with a few tears and feel a little embarrassed to be getting so emotional over the good news.

“It’s such a relief to know that he’s doing okay.” You feel a tear slide down your cheek and quickly brush it away hoping that Benny didn’t see it.

Benny can tell you’re trying to keep yourself from crying and he wants to tell you that it’s okay, that there wouldn’t be any judgment from him. He has the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around you, but he knows it would be wildly inappropriate. He feels awkward sitting here, looking around, trying to figure out what he should say.

“I like the Christmas decorations you have up.” It’s lame and he knows it, but it seems better than freaking you out with a hug. You smile at him and that feels reassuring.

“You do?” You look over at Benny, nodding his head, “I know it makes me basic, but I love Christmas. The lights, the decorations, the movies, the music. Expect to see a lot of green and red frosted donuts until December 31st.”

Benny laughs, “I’m looking forward to it.” He looks at his watch and starts to get up, “I should probably leave, so you can close up.”

You get up and follow Benny to the door, you put your hand on Benny’s forearm to stop him for a second and he feels a little spark through this jacket.

“Thank you, again, for everything.”

“I’m glad I could help. And that everything turned out okay.”

You’re not sure what it is that compels you to hug him, but you do. Maybe it’s the gentleness of his voice, or how he’s looking at you in a way he hasn’t before. It feels intimate and dreamy and it’s hard for you to recall the last time anyone has looked at you like that. It happens so fast that Benny barely has time to register what happened.

It hits him as he’s walking to his car–the delayed feeling of your arms around him. It strikes Benny that maybe there’s a chance you like him, that maybe you’re both kind of stupid and clumsy, and afraid to ask the other one out. There’s the realization that one of you will have to make the first move or it will go on like this forever. That he will see you every few months at your job, that he’ll get a free donut occasionally. It’s not enough for Benny and he knows that he can’t be stupid about this much longer.

—-

It’s the last piss test party of the year–the week before Christmas. The concept is idiotic–sure it made sense at one point when Benny wasn’t wading into the deep end of forty. Going to a cheap hotel to get drunk and high, have sex with women that Nick found God knows where. It was never appealing to Benny but he used to understand the idea of celebrating after your mandatory drug test. Now he usually just sits, drinks a beer or two, and tries to avoid contact with everyone. There’s something especially depressing about it during this time of year.

Benny’s spent the last few days mulling over the best way to ask you out. He regrets not asking you when he was giving you the news about Stuart. Although there’s a part of him that thinks maybe you would have felt obligated to say yes given the circumstances. He thinks about asking you tonight, if they end up there, but he doesn’t want to do it in front of the guys because you might feel obligated then too, maybe even feeling sorry for him and not wanting to embarrass him in front of everyone by saying no. If you say yes, he wants it to be because you actually mean it, he doesn’t want there to be any room for doubt.

His decision is made for him, because when they get to Glazy for You, you aren’t there. Benny can’t remember if there’s ever been a time when you haven’t been there, behind the counter, greeting him warmly. It’s a little bit of a shock to his system to see a middle-aged man in a goofy Christmas sweater in your place. Benny’s good at thinking up doomsday scenarios and imagines one in which you’re trying to avoid him, so you no longer work this early in the morning. But then he thinks of when you hugged him and that even though it was quick, it was like your touch had gone directly to his heart. He doesn’t stay much longer, opting to go home, lay in his bed, and try to figure out what he’s going to do.

—-

You used to hate working during the holidays. Maybe it’s because you were working for other people and not yourself. Maybe it was because the work you were doing felt unimportant and people expected you to care even when everything else around you was winding down. Five years ago the thought of working on Christmas Eve would have made you want to walk into traffic. Now it feels different, like maybe you’re contributing to the holiday experience versus missing out on it entirely. You’ve always loved Christmas, but Christmas Eve is your favorite day of the year. It just feels more special somehow. There’s anticipation and excitement in the air. It’s possible it’s a product of all the Christmas movies you’ve watched over the years where there’s the idea that anything seems possible on this day. There’s something about the idea of your life changing for the better, surrounded by twinkle lights and ornaments that you find very appealing.

The morning is kind of slow–you spend most of it watching holiday episodes of tv shows on your phone. Around 11am you start cleaning up–taking trays out of cases, boxing up the donuts that are left to drop off at the comic book shop next door. You’re looking forward to going home and laying on the couch the rest of the day, queuing up your standard Christmas Eve movies. You’re ready to watch Scrooged and feel abnormally homesick, but then put on Christmas Vacation and remember why it’s never a good idea to spend Christmas with your entire family.

You’re in the back when you hear the bell on the door jingle, letting you know someone is out front. You consider just staying where you are, pretending no one is here so you can wrap up your day. You don’t want to have to tell anyone that you can’t help them with their donut emergency–getting yelled at on Christmas Eve is not something you’ve prepared yourself for today. So it’s a pleasant surprise when you make your way back out to the front and you see Benny.

“Hey, this is a—hi.” You’re not sure why you’re suddenly unable to put together a decent sentence.

Benny rubs the back of his neck with his hand, “Is this a bad time?”

“No. No, well. I mean, unless you were looking for a few dozen donuts. Then it definitely is.”

Benny smiles, “Actually, I, um, was,” he pauses and tries to collect himself, he can suddenly feel his heart beating in his ears, “I wanted to ask you out. On a date.” The feeling has spread to his skull.

When he says it, it’s almost like the words traveled through your brain and you can’t comprehend what’s actually happening. Benny, the guy you’ve been harboring your fragile middle school crush on, is here asking you out. It makes little, if any sense to you.

“Are you just trying to get more free donuts?”

Benny shakes his head no, “I promise I’m not.”

You’re quiet as you consider what he’s asked–trying to reprocess the information in your mind so that it makes sense. When all the words are finally in place and you repeat them in your mind, you feel some of those flowers that you’d walled up in your stomach starting to push through the cracks.

“Yeah, okay.” You grab a business card from the counter, write your number on the back, and hand it to Benny.

Benny’s not sure he’s ever heard anything better than yeah, okay in his life, it’s like a bolt of lightning right to his core. He puts the card with your number in the chest pocket of his jacket, the safest place he can think of.

“Great. Amazing.” Benny laughs nervously. “I need to get back to work. I’ll text you.”

“Okay. Well, have a good Christmas, Benny.”

“You too.”

Benny gives his standard small wave as he leaves and you lock the door after him. When he’s out of sight you let out a squeal and excitedly dance in place. Your phone vibrating in your back pocket interrupts you mid-happy dance.

Hey, it’s Benny. Are you free for dinner on the 27th at 7?

Benny watches dots appear and then disappear on his phone. It feels a little bit like torture as he sits in his truck waiting for you to respond.

Dinner on the 27th at 7 sounds great

Benny releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, Let me think of a place and I’ll text you the address

Sounds good. And you meant Dec 27th right?

Benny laughs to himself, Yes dec 27. I’m not going to wait until jan to take you to dinner

Just making sure 🙂

You read his last text at least ten more times before finally going back into the kitchen like you had intended. Each time you read it, there’s a sensation in your stomach like bricks dissolving and flowers blooming again.

—-

Benny texts you on the morning of the 26th with a restaurant name and an address. You already have the sense that he’s different, the type of person who has follow-through. You try to temper your excitement about dinner with him, not wanting to do that thing you sometimes do where you make something out to be more than it is. You keep telling yourself that it’s just dinner, nothing more. But as you pull up to the restaurant a few minutes late and see Benny standing outside, looking nervous in dark denim and a green flannel, you let yourself think that maybe it could be a little more than just dinner.

“Sorry I’m a little late, I hope you weren’t waiting long?”

Benny smiles when he sees you standing in front of him, “I just got here a few minutes ago.”

It’s a lie; the last one he’ll tell tonight; but he doesn’t want you to know that he was so amped up about this evening that he got to the restaurant thirty minutes early. On the way in, when you pass in front of him, your perfume delicately floats by him. It’s earthy, but slightly sweet, with cinnamon and vanilla blending neatly in–he’s sure it’s the most beautiful thing that he’s ever smelled.

It’s a French restaurant, one that you’ve never been to before, but it’s cozy and still in the Christmas spirit. There are multicolored lights strung up and silver tinsel hanging from the ceiling.

“Have you been here before?” Looking at Benny from across the table and you can see flecks of silver in his facial hair catching the light of the candle on the table.

“My sister and her husband had their tenth anniversary party here last year. Most of my restaurant choices come from wherever she has an anniversary party.”

You laugh, “Nice. Do you just have the one sister?”

Benny has just the one sister, you learn, among other things. You find talking to Benny is easy, he doesn’t give one word answers to questions like some men you’ve gone out with. Where trying to get to know them is like trying to get to know a slab of pavement. He’s funnier than you thought, something that you didn’t expect, but is a nice surprise.

“Did you always want to be a detective?”

Benny butters a piece of bread, “To be honest, the only thing I wanted to be growing up was a magician. I guess I saw one too many David Copperfield specials as a kid.”

You start laughing, “Do you know any magic tricks?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know. What about you?”

“I don’t know any, no.” You shrug jokingly as Benny laughs. “But, yeah, I guess I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to be doing. I’m lucky that things have worked out how they have.”

Benny’s curious now, “You didn’t always work in a bakery?”

“Nope. I actually used to work in tech. It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well, I’m not in any hurry to end the evening.”

There’s something about Benny that puts you at ease, that makes you comfortable enough to want to open up to him. Something that you would never normally consider doing on a first date. You don’t feel the need to downplay that you made a lot of money when a company you worked for in New York was bought out. He doesn’t flinch when you tell him that the reason you moved to California was because of your now ex-husband. He tells you about his own divorce and for the first time in a long time you don’t feel so unlike yourself on a first date. It doesn’t feel scary telling him that you felt insignificant in your own life because of your work and your marriage. That every conversation with your husband made you feel like a burden.There’s a moment when you start to apologize, out of habit, but he stops you. He smiles when you say that the divorce was the best thing to happen to you because it–and you hate to say it like this–gave you your power back.

“I always wanted to own my own business and I love donuts, so when the divorce happened, I just said fuck it, and went for it. Just threw myself into it.”

“I’m glad you did, I don’t know where else I’d get an apple fritter that good. And for free.”

“Yeah, about that.” You smile playfully, “I’m going to have to start charging you before you put me out of business.”

Benny makes a show of looking at his watch, pretending to want to leave, “I guess we should probably call it an evening then?”

He likes the way you laugh, how it’s kind of loud and fills the room. It makes him feel good, to hear you laugh, to see you smile; like he’s responsible for some bit of happiness you’re experiencing.

“See, I knew this was a scam.”

As the waiter clears the table and they wait for the check, Benny asks you what your favorite donut is.

You don’t even have to think about it, “Definitely a maple bar.”

Benny watches as your eyes light up, telling him how you first had one when you spent the summer between fifth and sixth grade visiting your aunt in Seattle. He listens to you describe how your mom was, in the nicest terms you can find, an extreme dieter, who tried her best to pass all of her food issues down to you, and never let donuts in the house. But your aunt didn’t care and the first thing she did once she would pick you up from the airport was take you to her favorite bakery. It was the highlight of every summer after that until you graduated high school. It was the first donut you learned how to make because on the east coast they’re hard to find. You laugh when you say the best part of moving to the west coast is that every donut place has maple bars, but you’d like to think that yours are the best. Benny can’t help but think it’s cute.

Benny doesn’t want the night to end; he knows that you took a cab to the restaurant so he offers to drive you home. You try not to sound too eager in accepting his offer, but fail.

“Yeah, I’d love that.”

You ask him if he wants you to put your address into google maps for directions, but he doesn’t need them. Benny spends so much time driving all over the city that he knows every street, every highway, every interstate. The map exists in his head; he can get anywhere without really having to think about it. Benny drives you through some unfamiliar, but beautiful neighborhoods. The homes are still decorated and lit up, it’s like driving through the set of a Christmas movie–the only thing missing is snow.

You ask him more about his job, the guys he works with. You like hearing the stories that Benny has about them. You can tell by the way he talks about him, that he’s closest with Connors. You finally learn everyone’s first names and how Benny got his nickname–which you had previously googled out of curiosity. You ask if it bothers him to be called a drunk.

“Knowing the shit they all get into, not really.”

He says that it doesn’t matter what they call him because he knows that in any situation they’ll have his back and he’ll have theirs. That’s what he cares about.

When he pulls up to your house; a small, one-story home, string lights along the frame and around the windows; it looks exactly like he’d imagined. You both sit quietly for a few minutes unsure what to do next.

Eventually you unbuckle your seatbelt, “I had a really good time tonight, Benny.”

“Me too. Come on, I’ll walk you to your door.” he looks over at you, “protect and serve, you know.” Benny knows it’s a dumb joke, but you laugh anyway.

When you get to the top of your steps, you find it hard to say goodbye. His face is illuminated by the Christmas lights and you can tell he doesn’t want to say goodbye either. You start to say something, you’re not even sure what, but no words come out because Benny’s mouth is on yours, his hands gently cradling your face. His lips are soft and you can feel the warmth of his tongue asking for permission. You drop your keys onto the porch and pull him closer to you by his belt loops.

It feels like hours have passed when Benny finally pulls away, “Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for months.”

You rest your hands on his chest, “Next time,” you gently tug on his shirt collar, “don’t wait so long.”

Benny smiles as he watches you crouch down to pick up the keys you dropped. When you stand back up, he reaches towards your face, his fingers grazing behind your ear, “Hold on, you have something in your—” Benny sweeps his fingers against your hair and when he brings his hand in front of you, he’s holding a small, folded piece of paper.

You take it from him, unfolding it. When you see the words ‘what are you doing for new years?’ written down you start grinning, “So you do still know some magic tricks.”

Benny places his hand on your neck, his thumb stroking your cheek, “A few.”

#benny magalon x reader #benny magalon x f!reader #benny borracho magalon x reader #benny borracho magalon x f!reader #borracho magalon x reader #den of thieves fic #christmas fic #holiday fic #this christmas fic

32 notes · View notes