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agonyaster · 10 months

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Excelsior!

Commission for my friend @bunnyangelart about their galarmas au… writing this sure was an experience.

prefer ao3? read here!

…

Emmet breathes in deep, taking in the smells of an aromatic drink and a clean train car; free of destructive children and abrasive adults. “Ah, truly a wonderful day to enjoy a cuppa chai tea.” He pauses to take a drink before sighing, letting his eyes slide closed as the weight of the world seemingly lifted off of his shoulders. Truly, this was what he deserved.

Spying a heavy overcast sky all last night and this morning, Emmet can’t help but delight in the idea of how many people will be taking the train to avoid the inevitable downpour.

“Hopefully it will be enough to delay that Unovan fiend and her planes,” Ingo huffs, looking out the window. “Dastardly fiend… We must find a way to stop her.”

“We will, brother. That is why we are here!” Emmet boasts. Atop his impressive hair, his precariously perched conductors hat wobbles dangerously. Neither seems to notice.

The minutes tick by and the brothers continue to discuss, drinking their respective teas and gazing forlornly out at the station platform, which was slowly beginning to fill up with people. Some are armed with umbrellas or raincoats and there are even a few with pitiful windbreakers, others nothing at all. Emmet smiles. Eventually he spies what he was really looking for: pairs of uniformed agents emerging from the back rooms and splitting off towards the different trains.

As the rail staff approach the twins prepare: smoothing their perfectly coiffed hair, straightening their bowties and adjusting their hats. Well, Ingo fussed with his hat, Emmet… couldn’t.

“Could we not do this in the meeting room at the station?” Isadore demands as he boards the train. “I’m supposed to be on the route to Hulbury today.”

“It’s a matter of utmost importance, I’ll have you know! Now sit, and wait for the others,” Emmet instructs. “Do you care for a cup of chai tea?”

Isadore looks like he’s going to throw up. “That isn’t… it’s chai, not chai tea,” he corrects.

Ingo clicks his tongue. “Now now, Isadore, that’s no way to treat royalty! Did you know we inherited this station, along with these glorious locks, due to our ancestors? They ruled over Galar centuries ago…”

Ingo doesn’t even need to talk anymore: defeat is already written plain across Isadore’s face. Reluctantly, he sinks down into a chair across the aisle from the twins. The rest of the summoned agents trickle in: Furze and Cameron, Cloud and Ramses, and finally Jackie bringing up the rear. Jackie doesn’t come from the same direction as the others, descending the stairs from the first class cabin. Somehow, no one seems concerned by this except for Cameron: eyes bulging and face going white.

As Jackie leans up against Cameron’s chair and he somehow manages to lose even more color from his face, Ingo and Emmet clear their throats and turn to the gathered employees.

“Now that you’re all accounted for, we have important news! As you know, last week we asked you all what would be best to put an end to Skyla and her antics—”

“The planes!” Emmet interrupts, banging his fist on the armrest. “Truly ridiculous. We must destroy her, once and for all!”

“I still want to do Furze’s thing,” Jackie pipes up.

Ingo shakes his head. “We are not doing Furze’s thing.”

“This is something that should be discussed with management!” Isadore screeches, earning himself pitied pat on the back from Ramses.

Emmet’s body shakes with laughter, his hair wobbling with every guffaw. “Of course not! You’re our people on the front lines, you know the public best.”

“Doesn’t the public know the public best?” Cloud points out.

Cameron adjusts his tie, letting out a sigh of relief as Jackie steps away from him and starts to inspect the train car. “We could just do a survey…”

“Nonsense! We don’t have that kind of time, we must put an end to this now!” Ingo huffs. “We cannot risk letting her know what we’re up to— strike without mercy! Full speed ahead!”

“Skyla isn’t that bad,” Cameron defends. “And s-she’s been here for like, three years. Why are we trying to take her down now?”

Emmet crosses his arms. “That is… confidential.”

“You know if we were going to do the horseshoe thing, I don’t know a single person who wouldn’t want to come and watch it!” Furze is practically vibrating with excitement, giggling.

“We need to find something big enough to fit around his hair, though,” Cloud comments, squinting at Emmet’s hair. “Normal horseshoes wouldn’t work for that— not even the ones made for Mudsdale.”

“We could never! It would be a mockery of this prestigious station! And me!”

Jackie’s wandered back towards the group, apparently satisfied with the car’s cleanliness, and leans over Emmet’s shoulder. “I’m sure that’s the point, in some ways. You sure Furze isn’t working for Skyla and the planes?”

“How dare you! I would never!”

“This is a coup d’état!” Emmet declares. “And I will not stand for it!”

“I don’t… think that’s how coups work,” Cameron mumbles, playing with the cuffs of his uniform shirt.

“As the co-leader of this so-called coup, all I’m saying is that we would get some good publicity out of it.” Jackie shrugs. “Just saying.”

“Why?”

“It would be funny!” Furze defends. “And like, everyone’s thought about it before.”

“Perhaps some time to think about all this will help get the gears turning for us all!” Ingo declares. “Meeting adjourned.”

With that the rail staff workers rise from their seats and head for the exit; Cloud, Cameron and Furze making it off without much issue.

“Before you go… Jackie,” Ingo pipes up, “where are you stationed for today?”

“I’ll be heading to Chirchester first thing, boss.”

“Excellent.” The twins share a look, devious. “Isadore, you will be transferred to work the Chirchester line. Ramses will cover for you on the Hulbury line! Won’t he?

With a nod and a smile, Ramses agrees. “Of course, no need to ask twice!”

The twins turn to look at Isadore, and even from across the car they can see the vein pulsing on his forehead.

“Anything to say, Isadore?” Emmet needles, unabashedly grinning from ear to ear.

“…No sir.”

“Come on Izzy, we’ve got places to be!” Jackie says, snagging Isadore by the elbow and cackling. The two disappear from the train and the twins watch from the window as they’re absorbed by the crowd outside.

Ingo claps his hands together and puffs out his chest. “Are you ready, brother?”

“Of course! Thus begins another glorious day on the Galar railways! Full steam ahead!”

“Excelsior!”

#i cannot believe i got paid to make this its so funny to me #i love the internet #submas #galarmas au #galar submas au #ingo #emmet #skyla #pokemon skyla #Depot Agents #crack #one of the weirdest things ive ever written #writing #commissions #writing commissions #the chai tea is on PURPOSE btw im making fun of them

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strawberry-tuesdhays · 2 years

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A commission for someone irl :)

#these people are real #and they're not actually dating #this is the weirdest commission I've ever made #commission #watercolor #Illustration #art commission

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incorrectbatfam · 1 year

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Batfam as the weirdest Tumblr asks you've ever received?

Dick: the person in my DMs who kept insisting I'm Jewish even after I told them I'm not

Jason: the tirade that felt like it was ghostwritten by the Joker. I posted it but Tumblr's search engine was designed by squirrels

Tim: the QAnoner telling me I'm a media insider pushing Biden's leftist agenda after Tim came out (I wish)

Damian: the person who sent me a picture of their dog. That was nice. I really needed that

Duke: the person who asked if I'll ever consider taking commissions. They were polite about it but the answer is no

Cullen: the person who wanted me to promote their Batfam x Danny Phantom Wattpad fanfic

Stephanie: shoutout to everyone who asks me how I'm doing. I won't unload my problems onto you but I appreciate it

Cassandra: I think someone tried to send me emojis but they came out as squares

Barbara: someone who came pretty close to guessing where I live based on how I speak

Harper: apologies to everyone asking for the batfam as anime but I saw 2 episodes of Death Note and that's the extent of what I know

Carrie: the commenter I reported for being under 13. I'm sorry but Tumblr has an age limit for a reason

Kate: the person who asked my opinion on a Black Widow jacket they found. They're just biker jackets but it's the thought that counts

Alfred: maybe I'm old and out of touch but why do people keep sending me my own posts?

Selina: anyone who's tried to flirt with me. Not spambots, actual people who developed a parasocial bond

Bruce: pretty much every PSA, signal boost, GoFundMe, etc. I'm not doing that to my followers

dishonorable mention to all the neckbeards. why are you on tumblr?

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sudeikisfms · 5 months

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Please tell me I'm not the only one who has really weird dreams. To the point where you have to question how you even came up with that because I just had a whole dream about a guy called Lord Henry Vajazzle, and he was from the early 1900's and I was an attendee at his dinner party and he was explaining how he invented 'genitalial decor for the fairer sex' and he was going to name it after himself. There were some very graphic commissioned paintings to go along with his pitch, and everyone applauded in Downton Abbey. I don't know what happened next because my daughter woke me up with a tummy ache, but I swear sometimes my head hits the pillow and my brain just goes "Live! From New York! It's Saturday night!" then shows me the weirdest sketch show I've ever seen in my life. | @hillsfmsstarters

#hillsfmsstarter #( a real dream i had this morning idek )

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arkhammaid · 1 year

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— ˚₊‧⁺˖ BLESSED BY THE HEAVENS.

fandom. genshin impact

characters. alhaitham, ayato, cyno + selective characters being mentioned

content warnings. sagau, creator!reader, characters are self aware and can hear the thoughts of their 'creator' in their heads, reader is a whale lmao, written in lowercase, not edited & proofread

word count. 1.4k

notes. head empty only sagau 🫣 anyways enjoy, maye i'll make this a series and post more characters!!

— ˚₊‧⁺˖ alhaitham.

alhaitham knows he is in a position of power. he could make kingdoms fall, take down several nations with the resources at his fingertips and not many could stop him

and he also knows, he just got even more powerful. the sages have always known about the chosen vision holders by their creator and dearly hoped that one of the scholars would get chosen soon, in order to gain more power, literal and political

their dreams came true, but it's too late. alhaitham is a chosen one and as the acting grand sage, no one dares to command him

when he should get his papers done, clean up the chaos the previous grand sage left behind, the creator takes him and other vision holders all across teyvat, especially sumeru and let's them run around

he doesn't remember how many chests he opened, how many miles he walked across the desert, fighting and killing monsters, while the other chosen ones chatter with each other, as if it's normal to explore the rainforest in one moment and the desert in the next one

his teammates change, always fitted for the task. so he gets to know a wandering samurai, kaedehara kazuha who eases their work by gathering enemies together with a single flick of his blade. then there's zhongli, the legendary geo vision holder, one of the first to ever be blessed. his shield holds strong and true, while he and the raiden shogun, the electro archon herself slaughter the enemies with ease

alhaitham gets to know them and even dares to say he made friends with both kazuha and zhongli, both of them having their ways with words and extremly knowledgable in their fields

and sometimes, children appear. klee, a child from mondstadt, xingqiu, a noble young man from liyue and kuki, a young woman from inazuma

alhaitham gets to know them, all while the creator guides the group through teyvat, their blessings making ordinary people mutter in awe, seeing blessed vision holders up so close

it's certainly an experience, hearing the creator's thoughts, their comments on the weirdest things, their own world and theirs. he has to admit, even if he never dares to say it out loud, the creator is wise and has an insane amount of knowledge gathered. they seem to find solace in the vision holders who are as well, and alhaitham can't help but puff his chest, feeling oddly prideful at the thought

he's honored to be one of the chosen vision holders, even if it means more work for him

— ˚₊‧⁺˖ cyno.

cyno is silent, when he gets chosen by the creator, by their creator. cyno is silent, when he receives his weapon, the scrolls and three crowns. cyno is silent, when the first group of blessed vision holders greet him with smiles on their faces. he's also silent, when he hears the thoughts of the creator

he watches with keen eyes, electro vision bright, when they hunt enemies, monsters and 'world bosses', as their creator says. he watches how commissions are done, running across the sumeru rainforest and later the desert as well

he watches, as he opens dozens of chests, books and gems spilling across the floor and he picks them up, in disbelief that he's here

the creator is generous, gifting each of them with a powerful weapon, fitting artifacts and making sure to put them in compatible teams, ensuring safety of each member while also making sure that they can breeze through their enemies

cyno is honored to be blessed, to be one of the chosen ones, chosen by their creator. even after he finds out they're not exactly chosen, even their creator doesn't have that much power, always cursing the deity called 'hoyoverse'. it makes his brain hurt, to think too much about this and so he doesn't

it's none of his business, heavenly and godly matters, and so he cares about the mortal ones. such as making sure that no one of his team gets hurt, fully knowing they're very skilled as well

to keep the heavy thoughts at bay, he cracks jokes, making the blessed children laugh with him and the adults shaking their head with a heavy sigh. cyno knows many people fear him, and some of the younger vision holders respected him, borderlining to fearing him, but the moment he opens his mouth, no matter how rare it is, their fear puffs into nothingness

it makes him smile, talking with the others, catching a break from his job as general mahamatra. there he could never be open like this, his subordinates too fearful of him

but that's fine, now that he's here, a chosen vision holder surrounded by fellow chosens all across teyvat

— ˚₊‧⁺˖ kamisato ayato.

he has been waiting to be chosen by you for a long time now. ever since his sister came home, an eternal glow to her whole person, new weapon and strength in her fragile hands

ayaka is one of the favorites, chosen to fight monsters all across teyvat, whisking her away from her usual duties

she's proud of it, to be chosen and blessend by their creator. his little sister wears the gifts with pride, the scrolls and artifacts, making her one of the strongest vision holders known to all nations

ayaka brings pride to the kamisato clan, as well political power. power he knows how to use, slowly spreading his influence, while the civil war continues to wage on

it's then, when fragile peace is now part of inazuma, it's then when he gets chosen as well. chosen to be wished. because everyone knows, their creator is not of this world and to achieve contact with her blessed ones, they must wish

the highest honor, after being throughly blessed by the creator, and ayato is now one of the few selected blessed mortals as well

his sister never told him how deep this connection goes, the creator's thoughts suddenly his own. he can hear them mumbling about something called 'pity', cursing and screaming at 'hoyoverse', while they grumble as he slowly gets stronger

he can feel it, the sudden surge of power, yet he has been nothing gifted yet. constellations, is what ayaka called it. connecting his soul, his whole being to a constellation and making him stronger with each star lighting up

and then, he suddenly has a weapon in his hand. tipped in blue, gold and white, the weapon starts to glow and ayato can feel the power. the weapon glows, the sword changing and becoming something legendary

his sister carries a sword called mistsplitter, purple blade glowing and he now too carries one. haran geppaku futsu, is what the creator calls it. a sleek sword, perfectly balanced and dipped in intense colors

deep in thought, he doesn't notice how his creator starts to bless him, strenght surging through his body. until he does, and ayato is left gasping, the sudden growth of power making his head spin

"there you go, looking really good, my beautiful man!" ayato just blushes, not believing his creator just said those words out loud

but he can't dwell on that, whisked away to liyue, hunting down monsters, while his sister fights right by his side. kaedehara kazuha is present as well, welcoming him with a soft smile and a dip of his head. there is also zhongli, as he introduces himself, a geo vision holder of liyue, one of the first blessed in whole teyvat

the next few days are spent with his creator ushering him and other vision holders all across teyvat, fighting in domains, doing commissions and opening chests

he's still in disbelief, when he was suddenly in the abyss, together with the shrine priestress kokomi, kazuha and his sister. he fights ordinary treasure hoarders, hilichurls and monsters of tales- monsters he would've never dare to fight

yet he does, the thoughts of his creator always heard, the screams of rage when they're unable to collect all stars in time, tired mumblings when they've been sitting in front of their 'pc', whatever this thing was, since hours now, making their thoughts sluggish and slow

he's honored, to be chosen and blessed, three crows and six constellations in his possession, a legendary sword in his hands, fighting for his creator

taglist. @keyz-writes , @obsidianjewel , @keqism , @kamiiyaka , @venexus , @stellumi , @wanderersbell , @uraqtttt , @spiriteddreams , @lxvebun , @ineshapanda , @baeshijima , @themercyverse

if you want to join the taglist, please read this post!

ARKHAM MAID 2023

#astronetwrk #favoniuslibrary #genshin sagau #sagau alhaitham #sagau cyno #sagau ayato #sagau creator #genshin alhaitham #genshin cyno #genshin ayato #alhaitham imagines #cyno imagines #ayato imagines #— ˚₊‧⁺˖ creations #— ˚₊‧⁺˖ blessed by the heavens

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anonymoushouseplantfan · 1 year

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Meghan and Harry: Episode 1

Why?

Seriously, why?

Bet let’s start at the beginning. I live-blogged the documentary on my Notes app. I wasn’t originally going to post it because I’ve stopped blogging, but omg, this is truly, as Scobie would say, the endgame. Of course, it’s not the monarchy losing the game. It’s the Harkles, They’ve checkmated themselves.

This was a six-hour own goal. I knew it was going to end badly for them when I saw Sunshine Sachs dropped them. Without SS astroturfing positive coverage all over the place they were doomed anyway. However, the content of the documentary takes it beyond doom and into truly apocalyptic. I bet it has great ratings. It’s a complete train wreck.

[Edited after first liveblog: Netflix is calling it the most viewed documentary ever, but that’s misleading. It barely held on to The Crown’s audience which was its base number, and I doubt it will have the same staying power. Still, not a bad The Crown companion piece for Netflix.]

But let’s break it down.

Episode 1

Starting with shots in an airport lounge and a rented house looking like absolute crap is the weirdest branding idea I’ve ever heard of. They don’t look relatable. They look pathetic.

[I’m editing this after finishing their series and this opening is even more baffling now. Episode 5 covers their last week of royal engagements. First, that segment is a lot more glamorous and exciting than these sad-sack iPhone videos and they really should have opened with that. Second, Episode 5 shows they were elated and super excited after finishing those engagements. They loved the crowd reactions and the press coverage and were over-the-moon with happiness. These videos are supposedly shot after that and they are all sad and mopey and wondering “how they got here.” It’s a huge disconnect.]

The intro music screams “cheap YouTube production.” So does the stock photo montage. Oh, now it’s home movies…why? This resembles the video tab of a super-basic Facebook couple circa 2014. Netflix paid millions for this? I don’t think they got paid $100m, but I bet Netflix shelled out a tenth of that. They still overpaid.

[Actually, maybe they didn’t. The Crown cost $13 million per episode and they likely paid $10 mil for six episodes of Harry and Meghan which got the same audience.]

Now they are in a house (theirs? Victoria Jackson’s? Oprah’s?) that looks like a Restoration Hardware showroom and they look slightly less pathetic but also like they are in couples’ therapy. Oh, she did know who he was. What a shocker. Dimwit doesn’t seem to realize the implications. I wonder if the filmmaker is secretly mocking them.

[The house is a random rental that is now for sale so I wonder if they get a sales commission for the product placement. https://www.forbes.com/sites/emmareynolds/2022/12/20/montecito-home-where-prince-harry-and-meghan-markle-filmed-documentary-lists-for-335-million/?sh=3285e16b74fa]

My husband is watching with me. He was very confused by Meghan’s comment about how “when the stakes are so high” it makes sense to get the story from them. He doesn’t understand why the stakes are high. I told her Meghan is a narcissist and he didn’t believe me. He used to watch her on Suits and despite my best efforts still thinks she’s Rachel Zane. Anyway, he thinks the house looks like an expensive rehab clinic and now I can’t get that out of my mind. I think they are trying to look like the happy couples in When Harry Met Sally but it does feel like luxury drug rehab therapy full of Restoration Hardware furniture. He also asked me what was going on with Harry’s pupils in the airport lounge video. He thought that was weird. I tell him it's cocaine, but he thinks it's Xanax or something like that.

Montage. “They are destroying us.” “This has always been bigger than us.” Oh, please.

Montecito sunset. I guess this is their backyard? It looked better in the real estate photos. Meghan croons “isn’t it beautiful?” and Archie agrees. All I can think of is that these idiots used to live in freaking Windsor Park and now they have my grandma’s yard (complete with chicken coop and everything).

Walking with Archie. Harry mutters “this is a great love story” while pushing an empty newborn stroller (why? Where’s the baby? Is Meghan carrying the baby?). This is surreal.

Glamorous wedding shot (a melancholic reminder of past glories, frankly) and it turns into a closeup of Harry’s legs. Eew.

Meghan goes to the chicken coop. There’s a lot of cyclone fencing in this house.

Back to the Restoration Hardware Showroom. Meghan is in sweats because…I don’t know. Weird Instagram family pics including a sad little birthday party for Archie. Good lord, my kids had better parties than the King’s grandson. This is so pathetic.

Oh, no. She got the cheap Amazon patio furniture protectors. At least they match the cyclone fencing.

More family Instagram. They are protecting their kids…by putting them in a documentary?

Did I just see Harry’s underwear??!! Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Between the sale of family pics, the family drama, and the plumber’s crack, I’m starting to feel that Meghan married her dad.

Harry talks about consent with regards to his children…but they are too young to consent so it doesn’t really makes sense. Guess he thinks it’s only his consent that matters.

My husband asks if Harry is an addict. I suspect it’s partly his demeanor and partly the inconsistencies in the narrative. Meghan said she’d prefer Prince Harry, and that showed how little she knew about the royals? Media exposure requires consent, but your kids are in a documentary? Harry doesn’t seem to realize that these things make no sense.

I feel the way they structured these confessionals with an invisible interviewer was a big mistake. Oprah’s presence during that interview served to validate their shady claims. She has a lot of credibility so when she nodded and smiled people trusted that. It made their statements credible. Here they don’t have that and all the contradictions are apparent.

They’re in the yard. Meghan is trying to channel Martha Stewart and failing. Martha wouldn’t have cyclone fencing, Megs.

Meghan in sweats in the Restoration Hardware showroom. BIG expensive drug rehab vibes. I bet this is what all the rich women wear at the Betty Ford Clinic. She complains that other people write books about them and “wouldn’t it make sense to hear our story from us?” Actually, Megs it’s becoming painfully clear that the tabloids and royal biographers have made you two look a lot more interesting, glamorous and stylish than you really are. Left to your own devices you two are boring as dry toast.

Really cool shots of London. Whoa, the city looks great! They spent money on these. They probably should have spent that cash making California look good. London is their past and California is their future and so far their past looks a lot cooler and more glamorous than their future.

Tig Instagram pic montage. I wonder who was taking these? She should have rehired the photographer because the family pics she has now are terrible. These were much better. Her Tig life feels a lot more upscale and aspirational than her current Montecito existence which goes to show what good photography can do. LOL, she used the airport with the Ghurka suitcase. Yes, she didn’t know she was going to meet a prince and that’s why she traded in her Rowena for the luggage brand the princes are known to use.

Pics from what appears to be Harry’s private Instagram. Interesting—wait, the Insta rumor was real? What the? Good lord why would you admit that in a documentary???!! This is freaking surreal. Whyyyyy?”

[To those who don’t know. There was a rumor back in 2016 that Meghan was a designated Soho House “companion” and the girls were “advertised” through a private Insta account run by Marcus. If you liked a girl you could DM Marcus and get an introduction…which seems to be exactly what Harry did. I don’t understand why they would mention this in a a documentary. Everyone bought the Violet von Westerwhatever blind date story. They should have stuck to that.]

I wonder how the mainstream audience is reacting to the new instagram story. The original story got a lot of coverage and a critical mass of people may start to wonder what the heck is going on. Even my husband is skeptical and I don’t think he knew the blind date story.

BTW, the fact that she was following his account was known in Toronto as soon as the relationship story broke. Interesting.

“Friend” talking about Wimbledon. She’s actually Serena Williams agent so I’m not sure why she’s labeled as a friend. Wimbledon, blah, blah, blah. Lol, Again, Meghan’s old life appears a heck of a lot more glamorous than her current one. OMG, she told Serena’s agent she was going on a date with Harry??!! She was telling everyone wasn’t she?

Texting. She was posting all of this to Insta as it was happening which is absolutely hilarious. Actually, this whole documentary reminds of the early days of the relationship when she was posting everything on Insta and leaking stories to US Weekly constantly. They really wanted all of this material out there and waiting until they got paid for it probably took probably took enormous self discipline. Guess they took Doria's "don't give the milk away for free" advice to heart.

I just realized she’s wearing Trevor’s Cartier bracelet during her monologues and that cracks me up.

More cheap stock footage. Seriously, how much did Netflix pay for this? Endless chat about their first date, which is nowhere near as interesting as they seem to think it is. They should have stuck to the blind date story. It was slightly more interesting. Bad Soho House selfie.

Nacho shows up as a “friend” and he’s really Harry’s promo buddy. The Silver Tree person was also a Suits director. Everyone is a business contact in this documentary. All these white people in California resort wear are giving me White Lotus Season 3 vibes.

Baseball hat pics in a messy kitchen…these two are hellbent on shedding whatever royal glamour they had left. Wait, isn’t this an old picture from Toronto? Like real old, first year in Toronto kind of old. What a weird choice.

“Marry someone who fits the mould instead of someone you are destined to be with” followed by a pic of Megs trying to look sexy in a wifebeater shirt. Does the director secretly hate them? He was born in a palace but he had a trailer park heart…she was a tacky actress from the wrong side of the tracks…they were destined to be together selling family pics to the tabloids just like dad…it’s a family traditioooooooon….

Old royal footage…Diana…Charles…childhood photocalls, which Harry seems to resent, but he’s doing the same to his kids in this documentary, so I really don’t understand what he’s thinking. The Diana footage is a big misstep because wow Di was charismatic and these two losers can’t hold a candle to her.

Thirteen whole minutes of archival footage, most of it stuff his parents “consented” to, and lots of whining about press intrusion. Dude, you’re in a reality show. You’re putting your kids on television. Know where you stand.

Then a slew of private couple pics that they really should have kept private. Love the wallpaper. Bet that was Frogmore. The documentary is rather disorienting. I can’t tell what house they are in or when the pictures were taken.

Boom. “So much of what Meghan is and how she is is so similar to my mom.” My husband actually rewinds this part to make sure he heard right. Pic of Diana with her kids in the garden and then another pic of Meghan with her kids in the garden. Very similar gardens. Not so similar women.

“He wanted to marry his mom?” my husband asks.

Cringe video of Archie with a Diana photo. “I didn’t want history to repeat itself,” Harry says.

“He did want to marry his mom,” my husband says, amazed. “So he can save her this time.” Shaking his head. “This is nuts but it’s television gold. Did the brother marry his mummy too?”

“No,” I said.

“And the brother is the one who gets to be king, right?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good.”

More monologue about their courtship. Lol, they really did leak the handholding painting to the press. Footage comparing Megs to Di and it’s painfully obvious she’s nowhere near as charismatic.

Diana’s death and more archival footage. This documentary is a humongous downer, isn’t it? Childhood friend of Harry’s I’d never heard about. Was he invited to the wedding? I don't think so. Strong White Lotus vibes coming from this guy.

Diana’s funeral. Harry’s drug scandal. Hellraiser Harry. Bitching about paparazzi. No mention of Vegas, which is weird. You’d think that would be the big traumatic story about media intrusion. I guess he only wants to blame the UK media and Vegas was a TMZ story in the states and the UK media wasn’t allowed to print the pictures so it doesn't fit his narrative.

More whining about royal photocalls…except for the Lesotho photo ops which Harry didn’t seem to mind. Bit of a disconnect there because those were royal pr as well. In fact, it was the way the royals rehabilitated his image after the drug scandal. Seems like Harry only hates the royal pr he can’t personally monetize. Why isn’t Sentenbale getting a shout out? You’d think he would plug the charity here (Audi, Soho House, and JP Morgan got very obvious brand placements) but if he did I missed it. [Edited: Should have added the house to the list of product placements]

LOL, Prince Seesio straight out says that the Lesotho vacation was a response to the bad press in the UK. They should have briefed him better. I don’t think he was supposed to say that.

Botswana vacay with Meghan. Wow, the Daily Mail made this look a lot more glamorous than it actually was. This wasn’t exactly glamping, was it? Were there showers? No, best to not go there. No charities are mentioned. No mention of the “love” bracelets, just a Daily Mail article shot.

More whining about press intrusion then private Halloween pics that really should have stayed private. Lol, they went to a party with Eugenie after the relationship was leaked. Tell me you leaked the relationship without telling me you leaked the relationship. I bet Meghan wanted to post this on her Insta and Jason didn’t let her. I wish they’d let her. The press reaction to the Call of Duty costume would have been epic.

Harry doesn’t seem to be catching on. If you were in disguise and no one knew you went to this party except Meghan, Jack and Eugenie, then who exactly leaked it, Harry? Because we knew about it a day later.

That’s a Toronto newspaper, the same one that had the leak about Meghan following Harry’s private account. At the time the evil British tabloids were actually under the impression Harry was still in England and had cancelled a trip to visit Toronto.

The other outlet who got the scoop early was our old friend US Weekly, and the byline was by a then-unknown gossip hack called Omid Scobie. Given what we know now about their relationship with Scobie. Yep, I think these two just confessed to leaking stories about their own relationship.

The DM had to quote the Toronto paper and US Weekly when they finally broke the story on the other side of the pond.

Interesting that Meghan and Harry’s “new and improved super real love story” is the one that was being leaked in Toronto and not the one that the evil UK tabloids had supposedly uncovered through nefarious means. I don’t understand why they are changing the story, though. The blind date wasn’t a tabloid rumor. It’s what they themselves said during a BBC interview.

End of episode. Overall, I feel this was a huge missed opportunity. Not much about his work in Africa or her UN/One Young World work. We hear about Harry’s photography but barely see it. It’s their chance to tell their story and their story is “we’re boring and tacky people who sell pics of their kids.” I feel they really wanted to put the “real” story of how they met out there—the IG dog pic, the Call of Duty costume, the crappy Soho House selfie. It reminds me of her old Working Actress blog where she was constantly stressing how unglamorous acting life really was.

I’m not blown away by the quality either. Their home movies feel cheap and curiously inauthentic. They should have run everything through a filter to make it feel coherent and cohesive. The stock/archival footage is sometimes great (London and the royal family), sometimes cheap (Soho House), sometimes missing (California), and sometimes misleading (pap shots of Chelsy, Cressida and Kate that are narrated as though Meghan was the victim).

The documentary lacks the authoritative tone most documentaries have. You really feel it’s “their” side of the story and not the “real” story. I think the problem is how they switch from the couples’ personal narrative, confessionals, and personal pics into historical pictures and public royal narratives. The institutional credibility of the royal shots makes the personal material feel biased and unreliable. The videos of Charles and the kids interacting with photographers, in particular are massive own goals because they remind the viewers that everything, including Meghan and Harry’s pictures and videos, includes invisible photographers. It’s just that the Harkles are hiding that from us, whereas the royals are upfront about it. The confessionals in the rehab setting, in particular, were huge mistakes, imo. They feel like reality show confessionals (like the ones the Housewives franchise uses) and viewers are trained to see those as unreliable narrations. Using someone else's house was also a bad idea. It feels fake.

The whole thing feels very chaotic and unconvincing. My husband thinks they are both addicts and I remember thinking that when they first started doing their beanie hat appearances. I ask him why and he cites the dilated pupils, contradictory narratives, family resentments and couch-surfing at other people’s housing. He says it’s standard junkie drama.

Other family members are watching and most of the group chat (lawyers and social workers) reaches the same conclusion: even the royals have junkie kid drama. The social worker says she has tons of clients like Meghan and the all sound the same. “They’re trying to destroy us.” “It’s a great love story.” “I don’t know how we ended up here.” “What happened.” They are all more interested in having their side of the story validated than in actually fixing the problem and they just repeat the same family dynamics over and over again. That’s why Harry is showing us pics of his kids in the house/garden/vacation right after complaining that his parents showed the world pictures of him, his bother, and his cousins in the house/garden/vacation. She noticed that he posted a pic of himself in military gear (the Halloween pic) as an adult and a similar one of himself a kid. He also posted skiing pics with the royals and then similar pics in the sand in California. She’s says he’s basically re-living his childhood and trying to get it right this time.

I didn’t expect many people in my family would be interested in this, but they are all having fun psychoanalyzing these two. Everyone thinks this is Harry rewriting his past so he gets to save his mum this time. Meghan’s motivations are less clear. No one believes she didn’t know who he was. The psychologist says it’s weird that Meghan’s side of the love story was just “it was exciting…we just got to know each other….” Her motivation is not that clear, although there was that one story about wanting to be protected from the elephants in the tent. Opinion is split with half the chat thinking she wanted to be rescued by Prince Charming and the other half (the psychologists and social workers) thinking that as an actress her fantasy would be A Star is Born. The psychologist says those two are not that different. In the Prince Charming fantasy you get rescued by an individual and in the Star is Born fantasy you are rescued by an institution, i.e., the studio or Hollywood. She thinks her fantasy was A Star is Born and that’s why she’s so resentful now. I think we’d discussed that in the blog before. Interesting to hear someone else saying it. Meghan didn’t want a love story where she was rescued by Harry, she wanted a Hollywood success story where she was acclaimed as a star by the palace. She didn’t get that and that’s why she’s still upset even though she got the Prince Charming love story. That’s not what she wanted. Harry got the fantasy he wanted, so he’s not as upset.

Not much support for the theory (mine) that she was manipulating him consciously. Everyone seems to think it’s a case of two mental illnesses falling in love, along with junkie drama. That’s why Harry is so amazed at their “fantastic love story.” He wanted to marry his mum and she wanted to be his mum. That’s a pretty unlikely combination.

I’m very curious about the “friends” featured in this episode. No Jess, no Markus, no Misha Nonoo, no one from the Suits cast except Abigail Spencer, and no Janina. Everyone seems to be a business partner of some sort. Cory was missing also, but it makes sense that she wouldn’t mention him. Reitman’s wasn’t mentioned either but I guess she doesn’t want to give them press.

I don’t understand why they didn’t lean into the charity work angle. She was doing One Young World and he was working Africa. Her "You can be Both" essay wasn't mentioned either and I feel they should have led with that instead of going with her “single girl trip” and the not-so-glam Botswana vacation. I also don’t understand why we didn’t see more of Harry’s supposedly amazing wildlife photography. After all, they are trying to build a career as documentary producers. You’d think that would be relevant. The big takeaways from this episode are: Meghan is mummy and I saw history repeating itself so I had to save her. “Save Mummy” seems like a weird narrative to craft a brand around, but my husband is right. It’s television gold.

On to the next episode.

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ticklygiggles · 4 months

Text

Can I pet your snakes? | Zoe Ivey & Lucy Webster

Commission for @wertzunge

A/N: Another commission for always kind and adorable Max *sobs* again, thank you SO MUCH for your kind support, Max and also for always being a patient little bean ❤️ I hope you enjoy this! I'm loving Mahoutsukai no Yome new season so much dkfnfkfnf

Summary: Lucy hasn't left the infirmary after several days, it's only natural that her friends want to visit her, including Zoe.

Can I pet your snakes? Can. I. Pet. Your. Snakes? Can I-

Zoe felt his face on fire. To have someone asking him that kind of thing… out of nowhere! And no other than Lucy Webster of all people, the one who was partly to blame for it being known that he was a Gorgon, but hey, thanks to that incident he had also made friends, something he thought impossible. But still! Well... she couldn't really know the meaning of such a thing, right? She really didn't look like someone who-

“I used to have spiders.”

“Huh?” Zoe blinked, his eyes fixing on Lucy's face as she stared at a snake nuzzling into her hand, happily enjoying the gentle, warm touch of her fingers.

Lucy looked at the creature with sad eyes as she spoke again: “I adored them so much.”

Zoe’s eyes softened a little and, although feeling awkward, he still tried to say something back, but… what could he possibly have said to that?

“I see…,” he mumbled, seeing the snake moving away from her hand when she moved. “W-What- eek!”

Reaching out, Lucy's hand moved near his neck, trying to touch the snakes far behind him. However, Zeo couldn't help but squirm with a light giggle when her fingers accidentally brushed his ear.

“L-Luhuhucy!”

“What's so funny?” She asked, frowning and looking at him as if he was the weirdest creature to ever exist. His blush deepened and he shyly averted his eyes from hers.

“N-No, it just- you t-tickled me a little… that's all.” His body tensed as he waited for Lucy to play with his snakes until she was content, but he was surprised when he felt that tingly sensation against his ear again. A soft touch around the reddened shell of his ear.

“W-Wahahait!” He giggled, scrunching his shoulders and trying to hide his ear from Lucy's gentle touch that, to his surprise, did not stop; on the contrary, the more he giggled it seemed that Lucy tickled him even more as well. “L-Luhuhucy? Thahahat reheheally tihihickles!”

“It's been a while… since I heard someone laughing like this,” she said, and opening a slightly teary eye, Zoe let out a strangled sound looking at Lucy.

She was wearing a gentle smile, even playful, but tired and sad all at the same time. And Zoe didn't have the heart to actually stop her when she let out a soft chuckle when her fingers moved to his neck and his laughter kicked up an octave and he scrunched his neck like a turtle, making Lucy want to tickle him more, or at least that was what she said.

“L-Luhuhucy, plehehehease! I'm reheheally tihihihicklish!” He giggled, squeaking when her other hand also joined on the other side of his neck and he kicked out, nearly falling off the chair beside Lucy's bed.

His hands clinged to her wrists, but ultimately did the bare minimum to stop her. The snakes all around his head squirmed, over excited by his reactions, curling around Lucy's arms not in an attempt to stop her, but more like trying to keep her in place, and Zoe wanted to curse at them, but he was too busy tilting his head back with bright, cute laughter when Lucy suddenly reached down to tickle his sides.

Zoe yelped, jumping with each squeeze to his poor flanks. Lucy said it had been a while since she heard someone laughing like this and Zoe thought that it had been a while since someone had tickled him like this. It had been a while since he didn't feel the pressure to hide himself, the fear to show who he really was. It had been a while since he felt safe like this. Safe enough to be laughing his head off, with his snakes moving around freely, in front of someone that weren't his parents.

He couldn't deny he liked that sensation of freedom and he made sure to savor it as he giggled and laughed and squeaked and yelped as Lucy tickled his sides as if she had done this so many times before.

“L-Luhuhucy! Ahahahaha!”

Lucy chuckled. “You are too loud,” she complained, but did nothing to relent her playful attack to Zoe's poor ticklish sides. “You're going to wake up everyone.”

“It tihihickles reheheally bahahad! Ahahah, not thehehere!” He let out a soft cackle when Lucy's hands reached back up to his ears, her fingernails gently scratching at the soft, sensitive skin. Zoe laughed like a kid, his feet stomping against the wooden floor. “W-Why, Luhuhuhucy!”

“Why?” Lucy pondered out loud, humming as Zoe covered his mouth and nose when he snorted, one of Lucy's hands in the back of his neck and one on the front, making his laughter panicky and frantic. “I think… I just like your laugh, Zoe.”

Zoe could feel he was beyond red. He felt the blush spreading all over his face, from his hairline to the tip of his chin and then moving to his ears and past his neck. It was terribly embarrassing to be laughing like this, but he also felt like he didn't care too much about it either.

“AHAHAHA! Goohohohodness, dohohon't!”

“Ah, so it worked,” Lucy said with a tone of pride in her voice and Zoe was horrified, (not really), when he felt the little heads of two traitorous snakes touching his ears, their fine forked tongues touching his ears, making him burst into the loudest laughter that night.

He shook his head, trying to make the snakes stop their attack, but it was useless. They easily followed each of his movements and so did Lucy when her hands again moved down to his sides. Zoe fought the urge to jump off the chair, instead he curled himself forward, but that only let Lucy get the back of his ribs and Zoe cackled brightly; on top of that, he had a pretty necklace of snake heads around his neck, tickling him with little nuzzles and touches of their forked tongues; paired with the ones tickling his ears like crazy.

Since when were their snakes able to tickle him?!

“Could it be that I can also work with snakes?” Lucy asked in serious thought over his laughter, but Zoe could only let out shrieky laughter, feeling himself burning with slight embarrassment. Now his snakes were also against him? Ridiculous!

“AHAHAHA! Pl-Plehehease! Mahahake thehehem stohohohop, L-Luhuhucy!” Asking Lucy to control his own snakes, wasn't that peak embarrassment? But he really couldn't think straight at that moment. “My ehehehears!” Not only his ears, his neck too and the back of his ribs and his sides!

Lucy hummed. “I think they really like your laugh. I feel like they're happy, you know? Can't you feel that too?”

He could and that made it all even worse! There was no way he could stand more of that - not because he didn't want to, it was just too much and he was really ticklish. Maybe… some other time again they could- no! What was he thinking right now?!

“LUHUHUCY! I reheheally- ahahahaha! I cahahan’t!”

“Giving up already?” Lucy teased him with a soft chuckle, but she stopped and as soon as her hands were away from his body, his snakes also left his ears and neck alone, although they tingled like crazy and Zoe couldn't stop giggling even after a few seconds the tickling had stopped.

“Was it too much? I'm sorry,” Lucy said, laying on her bed again as if nothing had happened.

Zoe shook his head, taking a deep breath once he relaxed and he leaned close to the bed again, a snake nuzzling into Lucy's hand one more time. Zoe thought all that happened was a silly hallucination, but he still jumped slightly whenever he felt a snake too close to his ear and his sides were still making him smile silly.

“It was… a little fun,” he admitted shyly and Lucy smiled, nodding her head a little.

“Yeah, I thought so too.”

Silence reigned again, Zoe's heart was still pounding a little hard against his chest and his cheeks were still burning, but it was comfortable… until he remembered what Lucy said earlier and he felt agitated again.

“Hey, Lucy…,” he started, looking away from Lucy. “You shouldn't be so quick to ask other Gorgons to let you touch their snakes,” he explained gently. “It has a special meaning to us- huh?”

Lucy had fallen asleep! Wasn't Zoe the one who was tickled to nearly death?! And also, he was explaining to her why what she said was…

Zoe sighed. “Oh, well…”

They could have this conversation some other time, either way. She's been going through a lot lately, it was better that way. Let her rest for the night, after all, she already had at least a little fun thanks to him. Time to go, then.

“Ah, youth.”

#mahoutsukai no yome #ancient magus bride #zoe ivey #lucy webster #ticklish!Zoe Ivey #tickle fic #mia's things #Mia's commissions

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poppy5991 · 8 months

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Deku: What was hero commission training like?

Lady Nagent: They were always calling assemblies. We had the same speaker every year when I was a kid, his name was Detective JJ Bittenbinder.

Hawks: YES! He was a child homicide expert and you’re seven years old and you’re sitting five feet away from him. He’s still got blood on his shoes.

Lady Nagent: He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. Bittenbinder came every year with a program to teach us about the violent world waiting for us outside the school gym, and that program was called Street Smarts!

“Time for Street Smarts with Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street Smarts!”

That was the general tone. He would give us tips to deal with crime.

Hawks: He came one year for assembly. He goes, “Okay, when you get kidnapped…” Not if, when. I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood.

People were like, “What are your top three hero agencies?” I was like, “Top three agencies? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

#mha #bnha #mha memes #boku no hero academia #mha incorrect quotes #hawks #lady nagent #street smarts #todays source: john mulaney

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opultea · 1 year

Text

Surprise!

Arataki Itto x Reader - Romantic - Gender Neutral Reader (No pronouns) - Fluff

Aether had received many commissions in the past. As a highly regarded member of the Adventurer's Guild, he completed not only his daily commissions, but countless high-risk situational tasks that required the utmost secrecy, ability, and intellect. This was not one of those commissions.

Enter Arataki Itto: infamous oni gang leader with a pension for 'plans'. Today's agenda for the one and oni, was to hire the Honourary Knight, Saviour of Inazuma, for his newest plan.

"This is the weirdest commission we've ever taken," Paimon commented from just behind Aether's head. The famed traveling pair were at this moment, crouched behind a market stall, watching as you talked with a vegetable salesman.

Earlier that day, Itto had personally asked Aether if he could hire him for a personal commission. Although Itto had referred to it as a ‘buddy quest’, perhaps attempting to wave the usual commission fee.

Only hours prior...

"So you want us to stalk someone?!" Paimon exclaimed.

"What?! No!" Itto hastily denies. "I believe the words I used were 'follow behind'. And anyway, I just need you to make sure my bestest buddy gets to the right place at the right time, okay? Please? My bro? Buddy old pal?"

Despite Aether's reservations about such a suspicious seeming plan that involved such suspicious seeming actions, he understood where Itto's heart lay. Or more specifically, with who his heart lay.

"Ugh, this is so boring!" Paimon complained. "And why do we have to be unseen anyway? People are just more likely to stare at us if we're acting so weird!"

Aether quickly tried to hush Paimon's loud criticisms of their own actions, but it was too late, you had already heard.

Turning your head toward the loud commotion coming from a few stalls away, you smiled upon spotting Aether and Paimon, bickering as usual. Deciding to say hello, you began to walk toward the pair, watching in confusion as Aether hastily pushed Paimon down by her head to hide her upon seeing you approach.

“Good day Aether, and… Paimon,” You greeted the traveller and his terribly hidden companion.

“Y/n! How are you?” Aether asked politely, still pushing Paimon down by her head. Though you thought you could see her writhing under his hold.

"Well, thank you..." The traveller noticed your eyes drifting constantly back to his companion, promptly pulling his hand away and pinning it behind his back. Paimon bounced back up into the air, shaking herself about in an effort to fix her hair, as well as express her anger.

"Uggghhhh, that's it! You can't push Paimon's head without Paimon pushing yours!" You were then treated to the hilarious yet lightly worrying scene of Paimon using all of her strength to push down upon Aether's head, only succeeding in annoying him rather than moving him.

"What were you two doing back here anyway?" You tried to ask the near-brawling duo. The pair stopped instantly at the question sharing a wide-eyed glance.

"Well, you see-"

"We need you! For a... uhh, very important... secret mission!" Paimon finished for Aether.

"Oh?" You were not known for being especially strong or stealthy, sure you could hold your own in most everyday situations, but you weren't even a vision bearer. "Surely there's someone more qualified for the position?"

"Nope! You're definitely the best person for the job!"

Well you had planned to do some more shopping... you were going to make rice cake soup for dinner and needed to pick up some more soy sauce for the broth. But what the hell! You could go grocery shopping later, joining the famed traveler for an adventure was a rare opportunity. You gave your hearty acceptance, despite your shopping list and suspicions of your own qualifications.

"Great! Follow us," Paimon cheered, buzzing off into the streets of Ritou. You sent Aether a look, who gave a 'go ahead' motion and an anxiety-laced smile in return.

As the three of you set off to a destination you just realised you didn't know, you saw a familiar face swipe past behind you, holding several bushels of flowers.

"Did you just see Akira?" You asked Aether, looking around to try spot the Arataki gang member again. Paimon froze suddenly, glancing with panic at the traveler. Aether shook his head at you, shrugging his shoulders as nonchalantly as possible. Paimon flew quickly by your side, pushing your shoulders gently to move you forward.

"We better get going! Or else this special commission isn't going to get done!"

You were pretty sure that even the traveling heroes didn't know what they were doing at this point. You were all squatted down behind a rock, looking out at a tree with two onikabuto perched on its branches.

"So, if the commission is about onikabuto... why wouldn't you ask Itto for help?" You questioned.

"Well, that's because... b-because..." Paimon began.

"You see, the secret mission is actually for Itto!" Aether jumped in. "It's a surprise, and since you know him so well..."

"Yep! A surprise present for Itto, that's why!"

You supposed that made sense, despite how unconvinced they seemed with their own answer. You happened to meet with the leader of the Arataki gang when he accidentally smashed through your wall when running after a dog a while ago. You had been quite upset about the matter at first, testifying as such to the Tenryou Commission when they investigated the issue. However, upon seeing Itto being scolded by the gang's deputy, Shinobu, and once you received a very heartfelt apology, you asked the Commission to drop any charges. They hesitantly agreed, letting the oni off with just the promise to fix up your wall as community service. As Itto and the rest of his gang worked on patching up your house, you brought them dango milk and cookies as snacks, chatting with them and getting to know them slowly.

Since then, Itto and the rest of the gang viewed you as a caretaker. A sort of safe space, someone to go to for good conversation and snacks after a long day of beetle fighting and trading card games. You were extremely fond of the gang, you found them to be a very sweet group of misunderstood friends. Itto had attested to his and his gang's fondness for you as well, even pronouncing you an auxiliary member. So for Aether and Paimon to seek you to help with a surprise for Itto was natural. You were someone close to him but weren't a direct member of the Arataki gang, so it would be easier to get you alone to assist.

"Ah, I see. That's sweet of you," You responded, looking out at the pair of onikabuto, one coming up to nuzzle its horns with the other. "Itto gets misunderstood a lot, he's just trying to do some good for the world, and it's a shame how it works out most of the time. So I'm really glad you're doing something for him. He just really deserves to have something good like this, you know?"

The traveling duo shared a look and smiled, holding a new understanding of what you and the oni shared. Paimon had to use all her willpower to hold in a coo at how cute you and Itto were, even if neither of you knew it. Aether beckoned you carefully, standing up but still crouching, shuffling toward the tree. You followed his actions, slowly approaching the beetles. Once you stood only a couple feet from the tree trunk, you swiped your hands across it with equal swiftness and care, now grasping the pair of onikabuto in your hands.

One of the beetles had a powerful set of horns that went to red at the tips. Its partner was smaller, and slower, but gentle. They cuddled up in your hold, the larger beetle resting its head atop the other lovingly.

"Aw, these guys are so cute, and this big one looks like a fighter. I'm sure Itto will love them." You said.

"They kinda remind me of someone," Aether commented mysteriously. You gave him a questioning eye, but didn't bother asking. He had traveled all across Teyvat after all, there was a high chance he wasn't talking about anyone you knew.

Next, the three of you went back into town to collect some candies to join the surprise gift. Purchasing the sweets was mostly uneventful, the shop owner more than happy to attend to you. The only notably strange occurrence was seeing Genta of the Arataki gang seemingly corralling several stray dogs. You approached him as he was busy attempting to get his coat out of one of the dog's mouths, hoping to help him with whatever he was doing.

"Hello Genta, do you need a hand?" You asked gently, scratching the ears of the dog to distract it from eating Genta's coat. The dog barked happily in response, allowing the man to get free.

"Whew, thanks. I thought I was gonna have to rip my coat-" Genta stilled suddenly, seeming to realize who he was talking to.

"Genta? Are you okay? You've gone pale," You put a hand to the man's forehead in concern. It would do no good if he had gone and gotten sick. The Arataki gang members were very passionate people, often going to ends meet just to continue hanging out with the rest of the group, even ignoring sickness to do so. Perhaps their illustrious leader had set a bad example on that front, considering that he had contracted a rather bad cold once but continued to attempt leading group outings even so. You were all too familiar with the story, considering Shinobu had dragged her superior to your house to make him rest upon his near collapse. Despite your worry and frustration with Itto's irresponsibility regarding his own health, you created some lovely memories while helping him recover. He had tried his best to make you laugh even when you were only trying to feed him some soup.

"U-uhh, nope! I'm all good! Bye!" Genta quickly rushed off, the dogs following after him obediently. Maybe they enjoyed his company, or just the taste of his clothes.

You watched him leave hurriedly in confusion. Hopefully he didn't do anything that you would have to worry about later. Turning to Paimon and Aether, who had finished at the store, you asked if they had any idea what the gang member was up to.

"Uh, no idea! Maybe he's just getting into dog training! Haha..." Paimon excused, waving it off.

"It's almost sunset Paimon, we should get these things to Itto, don't you think?" Aether suggested, emphasizing the time with his tone and a head nod toward the low sun.

"Right! Let's go Y/n, Itto's gonna be so surprised!" You set off toward the field of trees beside the port, admiring the way the setting sun glazed the deep orange of the tree tops with a full glow. The air of dusk was always so soft, warm with the lasting glow of day, a cool breeze shifting the world into night. You were brought from your reverie at a large shout, your gaze now transfixed on the gaudy scene before you.

"Y/n!!" A familiar bulky frame stood in front of his gang members, each of whom held an oversized bundle of local flowers, the man himself presenting the largest bouquet of the group. Several dogs stood around as well, tails wagging happily. Even as the scene registered, your shock only increased, unsure what to make of the presentation.

Itto cleared his throat dramatically, taking to one knee as he passed the bouquet into your arms.

"Y/n, the most wonderful, caring, awesome, bestest person ever; will you be my numero duo, my one and only, my partner in beetle-fighting legacy, and go out with me?!?!" Your hand came up to cover your mouth, though you weren't sure if you were holding back a sigh, giggle, or sob of happiness. Though one thing was for sure, you wouldn't be able to hide the wide beam that formed across your lips.

"Oh Itto," You slowly came to kneel with him as well, taking his hand in your own. "I would love nothing more,"

Upon your giddy acceptance, the oni's eyes widened and sparkled, before he laughed in exhilaration, standing and picking you up to spin you in a tight embrace. You laughed together as the air was stolen from your lungs in the rapid, carefree spin. Eventually, you had to hit Itto's chest playfully to get him to release you. Breathlessly, you stared into each other's eyes for a moment.

"So this is why you were all acting so strange today?" You inquired, glancing over to Aether and Paimon, as well as the gang members who all smiled brightly at you and Itto. "Well, because of these two, I actually have something for you too Itto,"

"Wait really? For me? Aw Y/n, I was supposed to sweep you off your feet today! Why you gotta be so awesome all the time?" The man pouted. You shook your head lovingly, giving the flowers to Aether to hold and reaching into your bag to retrieve the onikabuto you had found earlier.

"Here, we found these today, I thought you'd be able to use them in your next beetle fight," You handed the beetles to the awestruck gang leader, allowing him to look them over.

"Awhohoho! This guy looks like a real fighter! I just know he's gonna be my new secret weapon, and this little sweetie-pie is just too cute! Oh yes you are, oh yes you are!" You smiled lovingly as Itto cooed at the beetle, who you're sure would have blushed if it could've. "You know what Y/n, you take this guy,"

Your expression twisted into confusion when Itto handed you the larger, reddish onikabuto.

"Oh, are you sure? Didn't you say he was gonna be your secret weapon?" He was starting to worry you, did Itto not like the gift after all?

"Yeah, of course he is! Sooooo, don't you think it's best for my beetle secret weapon to be with my human secret weapon? Since you know, you're my partner now, which means all my wins are your wins, and all your wins are my wins haha! We'll be the best beetle fightin' team alive baby!!" The perhaps overzealous oni wrapped his arm around your shoulders, squeezing you into his warm side.

"And besides," Itto cleared his throat, retracting his arm to rub the back of his neck. "I like this small one, you know? Sorta reminds me of you..." He trailed off, glancing back at you as if attempting to be subtle. You laugh gently, bringing the beetle up in your cupped hands.

"Well, I like this one too. Probably because he reminds me of a certain oni," You pressed the gentlest kiss to the horn of the beetle, making it curl around in your palms, embarrassed of your affection. The man at your side, however, only stared at the minuscule interaction in shock that quickly turned into simmering jealousy. You tried not to giggle as he shuffled closer to you.

"Hey, uh- you think that maybe I could, you know, get one of those...?" You knew what he was insinuating, and found his manner of asking adorable, but teasing him was just too easy to resist.

"But you already have one," You replied slyly, lifting your hands to indicate to the beetle. Itto continued to stumble over his words, shuffling around and hunching his broad shoulders, pouting at you. Luckily for him, you were merciful.

Itto froze as soon as your lips touched his cheek, softly pressing your affection onto his skin and putting him out of his exaggerated misery. You laughed openly at the wide-eyed, slack-jawed expression you managed to cause, a deep blush settling on Itto's face. Itto shook his face, refreshing his expression into one of full-bodied cheer, whooping loudly.

After the brief celebration, Itto pulled you closer than you already were, your hand coming to rest on his wide chest as he smiled.

"No take-backsies! Your mine and I'm yours now, okay?! So that means we're gonna be together forever!"

"Together forever," You agreed softly, gazing into the oni's vibrant eyes. You already knew this was the best decision you'd ever made.

Bonus:

"Hey Itto, what's with the dogs?" You asked, looking at the stray dogs Genta had corralled as the gang members packed up the exuberant scene.

"Oh, uh they were supposed to hold up this banner that I painted, but it turns out dogs are harder to train than I thought, heh," Itto admitted. You only then noticed the large cloth banner on the ground, the words 'BE MY ONE AND ONI?' sprawled across it in splotchy red paint. Several messy hearts painted over in pink glitter surrounded the phrase, making the meaning obvious.

"You silly man," You chuckled lovingly.

"Your silly man," Itto confirmed. "Right? Right?"

You pressed a kiss to his cheek, glowing as the two of you walked home hand in hand. The Arataki gang and the traveling duo smiled softly at the scene, though they couldn't help but be just a little irked at having to carry the bouquets they could barely see over back to your house.

#genshin x reader #genshin impact #genshin impact x you #arataki itto #itto x reader #fluff #romance #cute #sfw #arataki gang #arataki itto x reader #x reader #gn reader #no pronouns #oneshot

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