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bratz-kitten · 3 years

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blockages that the placements need to work through

here are some things i’ve been working on ft. the astrological placements that i believe they’re revelant to, in case anyone else needs this

sun aspecting venus, harsh aspects to the ascendant - saying no. it’s not so much like... a need to say yes to please other people, but a fear of saying no and facing the repercussions of it. lately i’ve been trying to simply say no to things that make me uncomfortable because turns out i do have a great difficulty setting boundaries lmfao. when my male friends make a sexual comment about me, i just say “stop, don’t talk about me like that” and when people invite me to hangouts that i don’t have the energy to go to i simply say “i won’t go, but thank you for inviting me”. the most difficult part is dealing with the guilt that comes with refusing others, and i’m telling myself that it’s okay to piss people off if it’s to maintain my feeling of safety

moon in capricorn, moon harshly aspecting saturn - letting myself depend on others. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m not as big of a lone wolf as i believe myself to be lmfao. like, it’s okay that i depend on my emotional bonds sometimes! it’s okay to allow myself to love with no restrictions, with no “but i can’t let them see me vulnerable”, with no “what do i get out of this connection?”, no “oh i have to be nonchalant about how much i care for them or else they’re gonna know they have power over me and abandon me” no. i’m letting myself write the dumb sappy texts, to make the effort, to show how much i care, to open up to others. i’m easing with my calculating instincts. i don’t have to drown in my loneliness and i refuse to spend a lifetime avoiding getting close to others in fear of them hurting me. i’m working on seeing my strength, like... it’s ok if they hurt me because i will survive

saturn in gemini, mars in the 12th house, mars harshly aspecting neptune - taking action when i need to. especially in real life, i have a lot of difficulty with taking action. like, if i’m in an argument with someone, or if someone is actively pissing me off, my first instinct is to end the conversation and escape so that it won’t escalate. theoretically, that’s smart... in practice, it makes me gulp down a lot of situations in favor of keeping the peace, and it makes me live an entirely different life in my mind vs. in reality. like, in my mind, when something happens i’ll fantasize about being assertive and talking back to the person, about standing my ground. but in real life i just... quietly move to a different room. plus it’s difficult for me to feel things in the moment, like something will happen and i won’t register it but days later i will think back on it and be practically fuming in anger. these past few weeks i’ve been working on just, saying what i want to say. even if i’m aware the situation can escalate, at least i won’t have any regrets, and it’s made me realize that people aren’t as easy to anger as i thought them to be, and that i’m stronger than i believed myself to be

moon harshly aspecting jupiter - allowing myself to break down. my moon opposite jupiter is at a 0º orb, and when i tell you i feel every ounce of it, i really do. like, my emotions are extremely disregulated. on one hour i will be at the highest of the highs, and then the next hour i’ll be crying on the floor telling myself i’m the worst person alive. which just... causes me to feel even more guilty about how i speak to myself, and about how volatile my emotions are, and then i’m just a mess of guilt and self-criticism and “stop acting like a baby”; i feel easily overwhelmed and like i’m doing way too much, overreacting to every possible situation. and then, an hour later, im just like.... emotionally numb. anyways, instead of making it worse by blaming myself for my emotions, i’ve been just. allowing myself to feel. no guilt, no shame, just allowing myself to feel bad because of the innate belief that i’ll get over this, i’ll move forward, it’ll get better

venus harshly aspecting the ascendant - dealing with a poor self-image. i have a lot of issues with my body image. so, instead of analyzing my body from every single angle and blaming myself for it, i’ll just. not look in the mirror. like, you know when you’re a kid, you’re barely aware that you have a body - it’s there, it functions, it helps you play and eat and grab things, but you don’t really spend time thinking about it’s shape and appearance because it doesn’t matter. that’s the mentality i’m trying to work with right now, that my body is there: it deserves food, exercise, to be washed and dressed in comfortable clothing, and that’s that. i’m releasing myself of the judgment that comes with my poor self-image

natal saturn retrogade - stop buying things just to watch them sit there. like, i buy things that i don’t even use. or i buy things that i plan to use, but then i end up not using them out of guilt of having bought them, or lack of energy to use them, or fear of using them and messing up. so, what i’m doing is grabbing all the things i don’t use, and if i truly don’t want to use them, i’ll simply discard of them, and if i do want to use them, then i’m making plans to do so. no letting them sit in my room and feeling guilty every time i look at them

mars dominance, mars aspecting personal planets, mercury aspecting pluto, debilitated moon (in capricorn or scorpio) - stop verbally insulting others in discussions. the point of having a discussion is to explain both perspectives and come to an agreement/compromise, not to try to win. unfortunately, this is something i’ve always had great difficulty understanding lmfao. as soon as i’m in a discussion the point stops being to shed light on the situation but to use the words i know will hurt the person the most so that they’ll feel the pain that i feel. when someone is not understanding me, part of me just wants to make them go through what i went through so that they’ll get it - especially if i have an emotional attachment to the person (for example, them being my family or romantic interest). this is extremely toxic and it’s giving me when your parents say “when i was younger i had it much more worse than you, and i’m going to somehow make this your problem”. so, i’ve been thinking twice about what i say to people. is what i’m about to say to this person relevant to this discussion, or do i just want my words to sting them so i can watch them crumble? i ask myself this question, and i try to show others the empathy that i want them to show me.

planets in the 12th house, lilith in the 12th house - developing a better sleep schedule. i don’t remember the last time that i went to sleep before 5am, and this has greatly impacted my mental and physical health in general. like, i’ll go to bed extremely late, and then i wake up late and it takes me hours to find the strength to get out of bed because i just feel so shitty. the reason why i avoid sleeping early is because i struggle a lot with nightmares, because of my own paranoid thoughts and fears, and because it’s my “peaceful” time. like, during the day i have to deal with my parents being awake and... well, just existing in general, and i have to deal with my responsibilities and my family, but at night i get to just exist for myself and do whatever. but also, i struggle a lot with intrusive/paranoid thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. this is due to my anxiety and mental health problems, and to be honest i still don’t really know what to do to deal with this. like... the thing that’s helped me the most so far is to turn off my phone/computer since i get headaches easily, petting my cat until i feel calm enough to at least try to sleep, and to avoid taking naps throughout the day since that’ll just leave me with way too much energy at night

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thespianbooks · 3 years

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A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 25//

(Masterlist)

(tags: @thron3ofbooks, @df3ndyr, @courtofjurdan, @art-e-mis, @herondamnn, @the-third-me, @im-still-trying-here, @emikadreams, @paytin77, @mis-lil-red, @sleeping-and-books, @lucieisabooknerd, @amandaraey-sunshine, @easy-p-lemon, @azymondias05, @dagypsygirl, @makeshift-utopia, @fantasyshadowhunters) *bold tags don't work!

Thank you all so much for your patience during ACONAS's hiatus! I hope you all enjoy this update! Chapter 26 will be coming on Monday, May 24th to keep in line with my regular posting schedule!

Sending all you beautiful readers love and healing! ❤️

-Rhysand-

I noticed the change in my mate almost immediately after her period of nesting had lasted a full week. The change was subtle at first; beginning after a long afternoon of Feyre rearranging clothes and ordering my brothers and I to move around the furniture in the nursery no less than ten times that day alone, then choosing to spend the rest of the evening walking the gardens with Elain. It was there, watching from the library window, that I felt the call in my blood—the call that urged me to find a sanctuary for my mate. Months ago, after the birth of his daughter, Kallias had warned me that this instinct would come. As mated fae males, the compulsions we felt in regard to our mates always traced back to the beasts our ancestors were and became especially prominent when they were with child. I had noted as much the minute I scented my offspring present in Feyre's womb, and though I had not been fully aware of her pregnancy until she was, I had instinctually known and formed a new attachment to her—to our son. Like the mating bond, the ties I formed with my unborn child were just as strong and prominent; however silent. I could sense those occasional glimmers that Feyre felt; had even felt that warning tug when they had been in trouble during the attack on Velaris. However, this tug, this preternatural warning, was different—stronger than before.

He was ready. Sebastian was ready to enter the world.

XXX

-Feyre-

"It's time, my love," Rhys purred in my ear as I stared out into the gardens, sitting on the cushioned loveseat on our balcony.

Once I had returned from my earlier walk with Elain, warm and content despite the late autumn chill—thanks to my mates magic warming the grounds, I chose to skip dinner. Somehow finding it more appealing to retreat to the privacy of my bedroom when I realized I had no appetite at all. While that should've alarmed me, my feelings of content remained as I changed into the comfiest clothes I could find; the softest pair of leggings I owned and a long-sleeved oversized tunic that was large enough to fit over my large belly comfortably. It wasn't long after I had found my seat on the balcony that Rhys was at my ear with a warm mug of tea in hand. I took it from him gratefully and relished in the warmth enveloping my face as I smiled at him in return.

"Time for what?" I asked softly, resting a hand on the apex of my belly.

He kneeled in front of me, hands holding either side of my belly as those star-flecked violet eyes looked into mine meaningfully. "For us to retreat to the Cabin," came his equally soft response.

My heart stuttered for a second as I realized what this meant, but instead of feeling the panic I thought I ought to have, I nodded slowly—an all too familiar glimmer pulsing between my mate and I, between that bond that existed between the three of us and loosed a calm exhale.

"Should we tell the others?" I quietly asked.

Rhys shook his head as he again stood, summoning those dark and beautiful Illyrian wings from the shadows. "I already told them, while you were up here getting comfortable," he said with a warm smile. "They expected as much, and they know how...sensitive this is, so they aren't expecting any heartfelt goodbyes."

I nodded, again surprised from the lack of emotion I felt at that sentiment; that I had no real urge to even say goodbye and be showered with well wishes from our family. Suddenly, I registered what was happening; my diffident state had finally arrived. It was such a strange and foreign feeling as the full weight of what was occurring naturally in my body overcame me. While part of me wanted to feel nervous and be comforted by our loved ones, all I could do was look at my mate and felt all the reassurance I needed.

Finishing my tea, I set the mug aside and allowed Rhys to help me to my feet; a small laugh escaping my lips at the effort it took to ease me upright and returned my stare into those violet eyes.

"Let's go," I whispered.

It was all he needed to hear before he lifted me into his arms with heartbreaking ease and took to the skies. I closed my eyes as the wind whipped through my hair, relishing in the cool breeze as I rested my head against Rhys's shoulder; one hand looped around his shoulders and the other caressing my belly. In spite of the awareness of what was to come looming in the back of my mind—the pain I would soon endure, my trepidation was nearly nonexistent.

The healer and our midwife had warned that my withdrawn state could last anywhere from a few hours to a few days before I officially went into labor, but some innate part of me felt that this notion wouldn't drag on for long at all. Sebastian had dropped into his head down position weeks ago and had calmed considerably since my period of nesting began. While his lack of movement had alarmed Rhys and I at first, Madja and the midwife assured that this was also normal. Our youngling, our son, was preparing himself for arrival. His loving glimmer still remained and pulsed through our bond, letting his father and I know that he was there, and that he was just as ready as we were to meet him.

As soon as we touched down to the front steps leading up to the Cabin, I let down my mental shields to Rhys, letting him read my thoughts as he carried me inside. His gentle kiss to my forehead was his only response until we were within the safe walls of the Cabin, the fireplace immediately springing to life as we entered the small living area and he set me on the couch. He came to kneel in front of me as he had earlier, the starlight in his eyes shimmering as they met mine again.

"However long this does last, at least we know we won't be leaving this Cabin until our son is born," Rhys said, a hand coming to stroke my belly gently.

I loosed a long breath as I nodded, my hand joining his. "The next time we go back to the estate...we'll have a baby," I mused as I watched our hands continue to caress the expanse of my stomach.

Our son, our baby Sebastian was just underneath layers of skin and muscle, lying in wait and ready to be born in what could be hours or days. The process would be grueling and long...but that intuitive and serene sense told me that I was prepared, that I could do this.

"You can," Rhysand interjected quietly; my mental shields still left down for him, "and I will be at your side through every second of it."

I gave him a slow smile in return, bringing my hand to touch his face gently. "I have no doubt about that, Rhysand," I said softly.

He kissed my palm before moving from his kneeled position to a seated one beside me, his hand lingering on my belly.

Will you tell me what happens in the Night Court when an heir is born now? I asked through the bond.

Rhys's chuckle sent a warm shudder down the bond as he pressed another kiss to my brow. "You'll find out soon enough, my love," he answered aloud.

Prick.

XXX

-Rhysand-

The labor pains began the next morning.

Only an hour after our arrival at the Cabin the night before, my mate had fallen into a deep slumber while we lingered together in the sitting area. I carried her to bed not long after, keeping a watchful eye on her during the night and sending as many updates as possible to our awaiting family in Velaris. After Mor's persistent "check-in's" every hour, at Cassian's insistence she claimed, I decided to communicate mind-to-mind with Az; who's ever-present composed demeanor was always a comfort no matter the situation, even as I could sense his underlying worry for his High Lady. However, in between the few hours of sleep I allowed myself through the night, I updated and reassured him of Feyre's condition. But, when my mate awoke with a furrowed brow and a pained expression, I sent a direct order for him to send for the midwife and healer.

XXX

-Feyre-

The labor pains came in waves.

When I first awoke from the most tranquil state of sleep I had ever found for the duration of my pregnancy, the muscle contractions in my lower abdomen had felt like the twinges of pain I experienced during my previous cycles—uncomfortable and excruciating, but in the last decade I had learned different techniques in order to cope, such as curling up in a certain position on my side or alternating between heating and cooling blankets laid across my abdomen and back. Like the cramps associated with my cycles, these contractions pulsed and throbbed through my lower body, ripping across my back, stomach, and thighs, but were thankfully manageable with Rhysand's help. The minute a groan escaped my lips, Rhys sprang into action, sitting on his knees beside me and helping me sit upright. He let me squeeze his hand and led me through the controlled breathing exercises the midwife had shown us in preparation for this moment, and for the first few hours they were completely doable.

The tightening would build and build, washing over my body in a flood; my deep and cleansing breaths pushing them back down into nothing...until it all happened again minutes later. From the time the first wave consumed me and dissipated, a minute had barely gone by, and Rhys was still at my ear whispering terms of endearment and encouragement until Madja and our midwife arrived. The duo immediately began setting up our space with the supplies needed for the duration of my labor, and I watched them in a trance. Thanks to the healer and midwife's many lectures leading up to this event, I knew that part of me would be so focused on making it through this arduous process that the rest of the world would melt away. However, there was still a small part of me—perhaps the part tethered to the bond I shared with my mate, that was acutely aware of everything that was happening.

It was all so...primal. As the hours passed, my body continued to endure the waves of contractions and pain that continued to surge, mount, and flood my entire being. I knew what was happening, and despite the pain affecting my innermost being, that innate female shouldered on. Meanwhile, a tiny part of my consciousness watched from a distance at the bridge that connected me to my mate. It was that part of my psyche, the only part unaffected by the unadulterated anguish brought on contraction after contraction, that could hear Rhysand's words; that could register them and find the encouragement I needed in order to push past pain after insurmountable pain.

XXX

-Rhysand-

Feyre's cries and shouts of agony were truly the worst form of torment I had ever withstood in the centuries I had been alive. For every pulse of pain that washed over her body, I wished with every fiber of my being that I could take it away. Despite knowing that I could was easily the hardest part in watching her suffer, but my mate had made me vow months in advance not to.

"Promise me you won't use your daemati abilities to ease my pain," Feyre had said softly.

It had still been fairly early in her pregnancy when she uttered those words; when we had taken a few days to ourselves in this very Cabin and whispered words of comfort and reassured each other that we would be different from our own parents. I had just promised my mate of the outstanding mother she would become for our son, and she assured me the same—dissuading any insecurities either of us had for our ability to be good parents. My forehead was still pressed against hers, eyes imploring as she stared at me meaningfully.

I raised my head, my gaze leveling with those stunning blue-grey eyes as I asked, "Are you sure, Feyre? The pain will be...considerable."

Kallias warned me as much in his letters following Eira's birth. While the experience had passed in a blur, those hours leading up to his daughter's birth had tortured a once vivacious and bright female. If the pains of labor could bring down even Viviane, I knew the same would be true for my mate.

Feyre simply nodded. "If Viviane could do it, if your mother could do it, then so can I," she insisted.

My gaze had softened as I cupped her face gently. "I have no doubt that you can do it Feyre, darling, but if I could make it easier for you-"

"No," she repeated. "Females have been doing it for centuries without any kind of pain relief, and as High Lady of the Night Court, I've more than proven I can handle this as well."

I brushed my thumb along her cheek gently as I nodded in agreement. While every feral instinct in me protested the allowance of my mates suffering, I shoved those intolerant compulsions away. This was Feyre's choice, she was the one carrying my child and would ultimately bring him into the world, so it was her decision on how she wanted to accomplish that task. My job now, as Kallias had outlined to me from his own account, was to support my mate through the ordeal.

"As my High Lady wishes," I purred before pressing another reassuring kiss to her brow.

Her returning smile was bright, those blue-grey eyes shimmering with adoration before either of us noticed the new tattoo forming in the shape of three small stars on both of our right pinky fingers. A small laugh rumbled in my chest as we both watched the stars take shape and solidify on our skin—evidence of our new promise.

"I must say, Feyre darling, if the centuries we have together are filled with more and more oaths between us, I may run out of skin," I teased.

My beautiful, perfect, mate only laughed, the sound resounding through our bond; its melody causing Sebastian's glimmer of delight to thrum between us a moment later.

XXX

-Feyre-

Rhys's was the only voice I could hear over my misery, and during those couple precious moments of respite in between surges of hurt. I was vaguely aware of my own howls of agony as my mate continued to coach me through each breathing exercise; guiding me back to calmer and more controlled breaths whenever they turned into angry or pain-filled sobs. I could hardly keep track of how much time had passed, or anything at all for that matter; my mind too focused on getting me to the end of each earth-shattering contraction. That innate part of me left on the bridge of my bond couldn't tell if the ground beneath me was actually trembling or not, and I was too exhausted to actually ask whenever the conscious part of my being was alert to my present surroundings.

There were slivers of minutes when I was able to hear Madja and the midwife, mostly talking to Rhys and offering advice; one suggestion being to actually get me out of bed and walking around the space of the Cabin. From what I could actually discern of the conversation the older females were having with my mate, they explained that any movement might help things along—staying idle and writhing in pain while lying in bed would apparently only prolong my suffering. So, while I was still aware, Rhys helped me out of bed; one arm wrapped around my back to keep me supported, and his free hand gripping mine. I kept my other on my hip, eyes closed as I shuffled out of the small bedroom with his help.

I could hear Rhys's voice again in my ear, full of nothing but love and support, as I felt the beginnings of the stabbing pain return. "You're doing so well, my love," he said softly.

I yearned for the peace the timbre of his voice once offered me, clung to the shreds of it as the next contraction sent me from my feet onto all fours on the ground beneath me. I could only feel Rhysand's hands on my back, rubbing soothing circles as I howled in pain, my groans staying loud as I followed the patterned breathing as best as I could. Somehow, this position—being on my hands and knees, made the contractions easier to cope with. Remembering the midwife's explanation that labor was such an exacting primal act in itself, that instinctual female in me realized that in order to carry on for the duration of this process I would need to follow whatever natural tendency wanted to take control.

Once the pain finally began to ebb away and my breathing regulated, I felt Rhys's hands try to lift me up. I shook my head immediately.

"No," I rasped. "This feels good," I said as I turned my head to meet his starlit gaze.

He nodded in return, hands resuming the comforting circles he made on my back whilst the magic of the Cabin supplied a plush blanket underneath me—to keep my bare hands and knees from being pressed to the hardwood floors. I realized then that my loose nighttime shift was the only piece of clothing I donned. Sometime between waking and now, Rhys must've used his magic to change me into simpler clothing.

"You won't be needing much else for this process," came the midwife's voice from behind my place on the floor in the middle of the sitting room; probably guessing my thoughts as I looked over my attire.

I raised my weary gaze to her, both her and Madja offering a kind smile in return as they sat on the settee across from me. "We've been performing hourly pelvic exams in order to check your progression in between contractions," the healer explained.

I nodded, vaguely remembering their voices explaining what they were doing and when during the few moments of alertness I had been granted thus far. Another part of me recalling the crucial details the midwife had previously explained to my mate and me. In order to reach the final stage of labor, the pushing stage, the opening of my womb had to reach a certain level of thinning out and my bag of waters hosting the baby would have to burst in order for him to pass through and officially enter the world.

"You're about halfway there," Rhys said, answering my unasked question.

"Of course, when the time comes, you'll feel that preternatural urge to begin pushing, which is a tall-tale sign for the final stage of delivery to occur," the midwife explained.

"How long has it been?" I asked, my voice hoarse from my earlier groans.

"Hours," Madja answered, waving a nonchalant hand. "The timing doesn't matter, so long as you and your youngling continue to tolerate the process well, there isn't anything to worry about."

"Which you are," the midwife added. "Doing well, I mean."

"You're doing brilliantly, Feyre darling," Rhys repeated, pressing a kiss to the side of my temple as he continued working those reposeful circles on my back.

I could only offer a brief smile in return before another gut-wrenching wave overwhelmed me once again.

XXX

-Rhysand-

There seemed to be no end to Feyre's suffering as pain continued to seize her body, the intervals of contractions growing shorter and shorter as the hours continued to pass. Still, in spite of my heart shattering every time the Cabin was filled with her agonizing wails, part of me watched my mate in admiration as she fought her way through the excruciating convulsions and followed whatever insights her body called her to do in order to manage each one. We switched from her position on the floor, to walking around the small space of the Cabin, leaning against walls and different pieces of furniture for support as the contractions persisted; the midwife and healer checking her progression with pelvic exams at every mark of the hour. The day was now transitioning into early evening, and the contractions were starting to last longer—to the point where Feyre could hardly speak, or barely register anything at all as she endured them. During those pain-free intervals, she was able to nod in acknowledgement at whatever few words were spoken to her, engage in brief conversation, or give a simple shake of her head when she wanted to continue moving around the room or into a new relieving position.

The stronger the contractions grew, so did Feyre's reaction to them. She still whimpered in pain, her groans nearly coming out as growls as she battled to keep pace with the breathing exercises I coached her through. But with my focus kept solely on my mate, I hadn't realized I was no longer updating Azriel until I felt a gentle plea from Mor. Feyre had just undergone another contraction when I heard Mor's timid entreatment. Apparently, my mate's roars of pain had been so profound, that they had shook the expanse of mountains across our court. I had been too engrossed with guiding Feyre's breathing to notice, but our family back in Velaris had. They knew it was a sign of things advancing; that the next heir of the Night Court would soon make his entrance. So, I updated them as quickly as possible, promising that my next update would come when Sebastian did, and turned my attention back onto Feyre.

XXX

-Feyre-

Somehow my journey around the Cabin had come full circle, and I ended up on all fours on the cushioned bed in the bedroom. In the time my last contraction ebbed away, and I found Rhysand's violet eyes to offer a bleary-eyed appreciative smile, I felt my body shift. Still panting and recovering the breath I had used during the last contraction, I gripped Rhys's hand, silently asking him to help me upright. He obeyed, and I leaned back against his chest for support as I rested on my knees with a sigh of relief...my eyes widening a second later when I felt a gush of water burst between my legs.

My head snapped in the direction of the mess now spreading on the once clean sheets of the bed before Rhys helped me off and back onto my feet, the magic of the house changing the sheets without a second thought. I stared wide-eyed at my mate, but he only smiled warmly in return before pressing a kiss to my brow.

"M-My...bag of waters broke," I said, still astonished.

He nodded. "Just like the midwife told us it would," he added, rubbing my back in reassuring strokes.

My hands held my stomach, suddenly feeling lighter at the loss of fluid that had built up over the last several months. "T-This is really happening, Rhys," I whispered, knowing this moment of clarity would soon pass as the next contraction started to edge back in.

"You're doing it, Feyre," he said with another kiss to my brow. "It's almost over."

I didn't have enough time to respond before the full weight of the contraction hit in an entirely different way than I had previously felt. Rhys helped me back onto the edge of the bed, and I gripped his hand hard as the pain began to mount and surge through me—a newfound pressure building at the base of my pelvis alongside with it, and my breaths came in fuller and deeper rasps. Madja and the healer, who had remained in another room of the Cabin to allow Rhys and me some privacy, must've heard the change in my breathing because they entered the room seconds later.

The words exchanged between the older females and my mate seemed far away, barely discernible to me as I closed my eyes in concentration. The painful pressure I felt continued to build, and I realized that preternatural urge to push was here. The groan that slipped through my lips must've been indication enough, because I soon found myself in the center of the bed with Rhys holding me upright and the midwife at my feet as she performed her final pelvic exam.

"It's time, my Lady," the midwife said, as I forced my attention on her. "It's time to start pushing."

My heart shuttered at the words, and I turned wide eyes to my mate, who kept an arm wrapped around my back, allowing me to partially rest against him while I squeezed his free hand.

You can do this, Feyre, darling

His warm voice echoed through the bond, reaching my innermost self left on the bridge between us, and I nodded as I felt the surge of pain return. I groaned as the intense pressure grew stronger, the urge to push becoming forceful by the second, and heard the combined voices of Madja and the midwife quickly instructing me on how to position myself on the bed. With my upper body being supported by Rhys, and my legs drawn up and open, I quickly sucked in a deep breath as the females instructed and bore down in my first push.

XXX

-Rhysand-

Feyre pushed and pushed for what felt like hours, but in reality, I knew it had only been one—judging by the path of vanishing sunlight outside the window that finally gave way to night as it always did; dark orange blending into a mix of magenta and indigo before the all-consuming dark sea of stars swallowed them up and lit up the sky. I was all too familiar with that pattern, had watched it countless times in my lifetime, but had never felt it drag on as long as it had tonight. Perhaps Feyre's continued screams of anguish as she pushed were the reason why it felt so prolonged now, but I forced myself not to linger on watching it as I honed in on my mate.

She slumped against my chest, exhausted and spent after offering another hard push, and I dabbed at her brow and neck with a cool, damp cloth. I lost track of how many she had done but kept a brave face as I encouraged her further. She was indeed the strongest female I had ever seen in my centuries of life, and I held onto that reverence in order to battle the guilt that raged within me. It was my offspring she had grown in her belly; mine she now choked back tears for as she drew in another deep breath and pushed again, brows sweaty and furrowed in pure concentration, face red with splotches as she growled in pain with her effort.

It was both the most beautiful I had ever seen her, and the most harrowing.

While my chest ached with remorse for seeing my mate in such a state, it was also filled with so much more love and devotion I had ever felt towards her. I pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze as she pushed, silently letting her know how much I loved her in this moment.

XXX

-Feyre-

"I can see the head my lady," Madja cheered as I pushed.

A snarl of agony ripped from my throat; my eyes still clenched in concentration. "Get it out!" I growled without breaking my effort.

"You're nearly there," came the midwife's response.

I groaned, panting heavily as I slumped against Rhys again. He whispered loving words of support as he dabbed at my face and neck to cool me down, and I knew the all-consuming heat I felt had nothing to do with my powers and everything to do with this struggle. Not even the messy bun I had thrown my hair into seemed to cool me down in between my endeavors, so I was grateful when Rhys had begun using a damp washcloth to provide relief—the only kind afforded to me during this ordeal. It was all starting to become too overwhelming to endure for much longer, and I felt my resolve slipping. My eyes met with Rhys's for a brief moment, and instead of offering him a tired half-smile I had done so far, I broke into sobs.

"I can't do this anymore, Rhys," I cried.

His hand squeezed mine, the starlight in his eyes flickering as the hand on my back tightened gently. "You can," he promised. "Sebastian is almost here, Feyre, just imagine our little Bash here at last,"

I sobbed at the thought, the images of my baby I had been dreaming of for months flashing through my mind before I felt the devastating pain returned. I cried again, loudly claiming I couldn't do it, and was met with a chorus of voices encouraging me—claiming I could, and would. Deciding not to keep fighting it, I rallied my strength together with another gulp of air and bore down with the hardest push I could offer.

My attempt heralded in another round of voices animatedly telling me to continue, and though I couldn't differentiate the female's voices, I heard one of them tell Rhys to watch as our son's head began to emerge. My eyes were squeezed shut with my effort, so I couldn't see the look on his face, but a yelp of pain emerged from my throat a second later as I felt the strain of my baby's head coming through with the force of my pushing. The midwife quickly told me to take several deep breaths instead, and I did as I was told, gasping aloud when I felt a painful burst.

"The head is out, my lady," the midwife said with a meaningful look as I finally opened my eyes.

I gasped for even breaths, nodding before I looked to Rhys; whose violet eyes were silver lined as they met mine. He had shifted to my side for a better view of our son coming forth, his and Madja's hands holding either side of me, balancing me upright.

"He's so beautiful, Feyre," Rhys said tearfully as he lowered his head to rest his forehead against mine, a tear trailing down the side of his cheek.

I sobbed again, bringing a hand to brush that tear away briefly before grasping his free one as my body yielded to another throbbing contraction. "Just one more big push, my lady, and your babe will be in your arms." Madja promised.

"One more, and you're done," Rhys vowed, repeating the healer's words.

Instead of voicing my agreement, I continued my hold on to Rhys's hand while I gripped my knee with the other and sucked in a quick gasp of air before offering what now had to be the strongest and hardest push my body could muster. My eyes squeezed shut as I fixed all of my attention into this push, near-feral growls emerging from my throat at the unbearable pain that tore through me, my cries drowning out the myriad of voices cheering me on.

Soon, however, all the pain vanished the second I heard the tiniest, most magnificent wail I would ever hear in my entire life.

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rjhpandapaws · 3 years

Text

Something Familiar

Chapter 2: Lessons in Good Faith Tw: PTSD and mentions of torture and death

Living with Daniel was a lesson in many things. A lesson in patience, trust, and it was a constant trial in checking is biases. Daniel was one of the few good humans, and Silas’s fear still ran unchecked. He knew it would take time to work through all of his baggage, and that Daniel was willing to wait. The thing was that Silas wanted to trust him, but couldn’t because there was still too much in the way. Daniel had even given him space after they sealed the contract. Silas bore the mark of it on the inside of his left wrist. A small circle of red, yellow, and blue lining. Daniel had the same on his left wrist as well. It marked them as equals, but it still felt like imprisonment to Silas. He was grateful for the week alone though. It gave him time to get used to his human shape again. He spent a lot of his time on the upstairs balcony watching the world go by with out him. Being outside like this was something he hadn’t been able to do for years. He would have preferred to change shape and wander, maybe even fly; but he was still on the mend and under strict orders not to shift unless it was an emergency. Daniel wasn’t here to stop him. He could have run away, and yet he stayed. Like a good Familiar.

When Daniel came back Silas’s private moments gained a witness, and his nightmares gained an exit. Daniel was always gentle when he woke Silas. He made sure he was genuinely awake and then let him come back to the real world on his own. He would offer to listen and Silas would always turn him down. There were nights that were worse. Nights when he didn’t dream, but remembered. The sleep he got was always more restful on those nights, but waking up always hurt worse. He woke up buried under the weight of all the things he should have done; could have done if he was a better person. On these mornings the only thing he wanted was space to think. So he would quietly make himself coffee and head up to the balcony. Daniel always came up eventually, and he usually brought breakfast with him. He would set the tray down on the small glass table and take a moment to observe Silas. He never said was he was looking for, but Silas assumed he found it because he would go back inside after a while. As a healer it wasn’t in Daniel’s nature to leave things alone, but he seemed to understand that Silas needed time to himself every once in a while. It was something Silas was grateful for. Someday he would let Daniel in, he deserved to know what he had gotten stuck with.

He woke suddenly from a dead sleep and sighed. He could still see Connor clearly in his mind, the fear in his eyes as they were separated almost felt accusing now. He should have stayed. He should have done a lot of things, but he was a coward and ran away instead. Silas got up with a practiced silence and started on his coffee. The house was still dark, but he had the kitchen layout memorized. By the time his coffee was ready he could use the early rays of dawn to make it up to the balcony. Today was going to be long and painful. He leaned against the front railing of the balcony to watch the sunrise and let his thoughts run loose with him. If he got it out of his system now, then maybe he could be something close to composed by the time Daniel came up to check on him. So for now, he would let himself remember. They were good things at first. His childhood, play fighting with his brothers. Learning the importance of the ancient magic they carried with them. The rush of freedom that came from knowing a thought was all it took to become any creature he wanted. The sacred bind that came with choosing a patron mage. There was a complexity that came with choosing to be a Familiar. It was a bond based on sharing strength and it lasted a lifetime. Different from a contract.

He remembered the day everything changed. The day the world as he understood it would come to an end. It was a normal day, he and his brothers woke up and did their chores, but never made it back to the house. Traps had been set in the night and each of them fell victim to one. He remembered waking up in the dark and in pain, surrounded by everyone from his village. All of them had been taken. They were given a week to recover and adjust to their new life before the Conditioning started. Each of them was branded with a unique number. Something that could be used to find them in the event that one of them escaped. The ones that the Conditioning worked on disappeared. Bought by mages that believed them to be Creature Familiars. Those who didn’t take to the Conditioning were tortured until they broke. It went on like this until their anger finally outweighed their fear. Their revolt; if it could really even be called that; was a failure in Silas’s opinion. So many of them had died. Freedom for the few of them that had made it out was paid for in the blood of those who hadn’t. Silas had taken his new freedom and run to the nearest mage. Signed it away in exchange for survival. Even if Daniel saw them as equals; Silas had still done the exact thing they had fought so hard to be freed from. He would have almost rather having died. Almost.

He could feel Daniel’s eyes on him and had the feeling he wasn’t going to be able to get out of this one without talking. He knew Daniel wouldn’t ask outright, but would linger until Silas said something. It Gave the illusion that he had other options; but if he wanted to be alone he would have to say something. “There were three of us, you know, that made it out.” He began and did what he could to keep the emotion out of his voice, “Me and then two of my brothers. I lost them in our mad dash to get out, and now I don’t know if they’re even alive.” He tried to blink away his tears, but they only rolled down his cheeks instead, “After everything we’d been through; I couldn’t be bothered to stay. I ran away like a fucking coward and sold myself out in a desperate bid to survive. Some fucking brother I am.” Daniel was quiet for a long while. This was the most Silas had ever ‘willingly’ said to him. “In a few weeks you’ll be healed enough to handle mildly strenuous activity.” He said eventually, “We could go looking for them if you would like.” Cold heavy dread settled in the pit of Silas’s stomach, “Why?” He snapped, “So you can add them to your collection? So you can have the complete set of the last shapeshifters known to man?”

“No.” Daniel replied sharply, “So you can have some damn closure and a place to stay once the contract is up. I actually want you to be safe, believe it or not.” Silas flinched. He knew Daniel wasn’t the same as the other humans he had dealt with, but he was still afraid. He set down his mug of long forgotten coffee and breathed out a defeated sigh. It was too early in the morning for a fight. On top of that, Daniel hadn’t done anything to deserve this. The contract was a means of protecting him. He understood that. “I’m sorry. You’ve been nothing but kind to me, and yet I still fear completely offering you my trust.” He said after the silence had long since grown uncomfortable, “You may very well be the only human with my best interests at heart and I keep pushing you away.” He took a deep breath and tuned to face Daniel, “I’ll think about it, but that is asking a lot of faith from me; and for now, I think I would rather be alone.” Daniel looked away from him and his shoulders slumped, “I understand.” His voice was almost level, but hurt lingered just beneath the surface, “I’ll be in the house if you need me.” Silas watched him leave and wondered if he should have been gentler. It wasn’t Daniel’s fault he’d gone through all that, but he had nothing else to do with all his anger. Burying it clearly hadn’t helped.

He picked through the food Daniel had brought up for him and tried to gather himself a little more. Daniel didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his anger. He wasn’t responsible for what was done to him. He was the only person that was trying to help. The least Silas could do was give him the results he wanted. Even if they were fake. Time to see if he could even manage to be a convincing liar. The sooner he seemed well, the sooner he could get out of here. He didn’t know where he would go, yet, but he was sure he would find his place eventually. On top of that Daniel wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. He could go back to whatever it was he had been doing before Silas had come crashing into his life. It was late in the day when Silas had gathered enough of himself back together to handle being around another person. He didn’t say anything to Daniel when he came back; because he looked busy, and because he simply didn’t feel like it. He got to work on the dishes so he would have less to do later in the evening. “I’m sorry Silas.” Daniel broke the silence after a while, “For this morning. It was insensitive and out of line.”

The laugh that hitched and bubbled it’s way out of his chest was bitter and humorless. It surprised him, this was the first time he had laughed in years. “Was it?” He asked coolly, “Are you rescinding your offer to help me find my only remaining relatives then?” “Well, no.” Daniel scrambled, “I just; I wanted you to know that I meant no offense by it.” He explained and Silas relaxed some, “I feel like I’ve messed something up, and I want to know how I can fix it. I hate seeing you so upset.” “It’s a matter of learning to trust you.” He said and looked down at his hands, “My whole life up until now has been spent in fear of humans. I just have to keep in mind that you haven’t posed a danger to me yet. Sorry for being so... defensive, I guess would be the word.” “You’re alright.” He replied kindly, “These things take time. Even at that, you have a lot of trauma to work through and-” “Daniel stop.” Silas interrupted, “I need someone to listen to me, not psychoanalyze me. Believe me, I am well aware of all my trauma and the power imbalance of our dynamic. I really don’t need the reminder.” “Right.” He agreed with a sharp nod, “It can be difficult to turn my doctor off sometimes.”

“I understand.” Silas replied as he leaned against the counter to face Daniel, “It’s the only way people will acknowledge you, so it has become your primary mode of existing.” He watched with mild amusement as Daniel’s jaw dropped, “You’re more than that to me, you know. You’re the closest thing to a friend I’ve had actually.” “First of all, ow.” He said with a laugh and put his hand over his heart, “Secondly, what happened to not psychoanalyzing each other? I’m glad you think of me as a friend though.” Silas smiled, and it felt strange after not having done so for so long, “I figured that you’ve done it to me enough times that I deserved a turn.” “Fair enough.” Daniel replied as he began to put his things away. “How many weeks?” Silas asked once his curiosity got the better of him, “Until we can leave?” He was quiet for a long while before he replied, “Six, if you mind your limitations; eight to twelve if you keep ignoring them like this.” His smile fell away, “That was a lot more than I was hoping for.” Daniel just shrugged, “You’ve been stubborn. Agitating your old injuries and coming back from your little excursions with new ones. You need to rest.”

“Fine.” He said as he made his way to the bookshelf to go through the travelers’ guides, “I’ll be a better patient from here on out.” He settled on his bed with the books he had grabbed, “Six weeks should be enough time to find a place to start.” “Of course it will.” Daniel replied with a gentle smile Silas felt like he hadn’t been meant to see. It was finally time to venture out into the world. He just hoped they found Connor and Richard before anyone else did. If he lost his brothers he wouldn’t have anyone left. There was no way he could survive that.

#Something Familiar #SF AU #daniel60 #dbh daniel #dbh sixty #dbh fic #dbh #PTSD tw #mental health tw #torture mention tw #death mention tw

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years

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pls scream about Leo a lil bit cause my love for that man is neverending and i live for you guys' blog,,, and ur comte love fuels me??? head empty except for those two pureblood clowns

HNGNGNG I hope that both you and everyone that reads my shenanigans knows how utterly understood I feel when I see anyone stan Comte, if not both of those idiot purebloods bc good lord...I live for two tired fossil men that just want DOMESTIC BLISS. Literally they have no brain cells beyond respect women and we love that for us, it’s spectacular!!

Under a cut bc I went off and is long:

That being said I’d be happy to yell abt Leo!! Where do I even begin, this man was the reason I got into Ikevamp in the first place, and I’ve read just about every single one of his events at this point. He just makes me so TENDER!!!!!! For whatever reason the first thing that came to mind was this one time he lies about being jealous and MC is lolol u a fool if you think I can’t tell when you lie to me. And he’s so fuckiNG SHOOK?????? It’s even funnier because she’s internally like [I’m not 100% sure but for a second there he almost looked mad...time to test this theory even if it’s just A GAME T H E O R Y] And he’s so fucking pikachu meme that shit sends me. I can’t handle the fact that he’s so used to people just assuming he’s fine, that he can handle himself. That he’s lived for so long without really anyone noticing at all. (Comte absolutely notices and will lightly roast him, but doesn’t really push him about it or wants to overstep). And so when MC just actively pays attention and is so gentle with him he’s just floored???

God I’m crying now, but I will just never forget the funeral scene in his fucking rt. This asshole, this absolute moron, straight up tries to come at us with “yOu GeT uSeD tO iT aFtEr HaLf A mIlLeNiUm, i’M nOt SaD”. Like are you serious. Come here and let me hold you before I throttle you. Absolute clown. He’s just always trying so hard to get by on his own and it breaks my heart. How long...how long has he lived just getting by, nursing his own wounds and dragging himself up all by himself. HE LEFT HOME AT LIKE 14 (whatever the fuCK SOME TOO YOUNG AGE) AND RAN STRAIGHT INTO THE HANDS OF PEOPLE THAT HATED HIM FOR HIS TALENT. HE REMEMBERS HIS MENTORS DESTROYING HIS UTENSILS WHILE TRYING TO ESCAPE PARENTS THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY REJECTED ANY EXPRESSION OF LOVE OR COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY THAT HE CHERISHED SO DEEPLY. I DON’T NEED SLEEP I NEED TO HUG HIM IMMEDIATELY FUCKING HELL.

Like.........there’s just........I don’t know how to explain it, but I once saw it explained so well in a post. It was basically talking about Castlevania, and how in that show Dracula sees humanity’s folly and develops so much hatred he just goes straight to murder rage. And while in some ways I understand that, I understand even more deeply Trevor’s response to humanity’s fear and violence. He says that he knows they’re short-sighted, that maybe we all just don’t deserve saving...but that he’s going to do it anyway. Leonardo just so much gives me that energy of knowing there’s so much pain in the world, but all we can do is keep walking--keep trying, even if we have to claw our way forward. Because if you only see the awfulness in front of you, you forget the way that strangers make silly faces at babies to make them laugh on the train, how a friend will put everything down to race over to someone and comfort them with some ice cream--do anything they can to distract them from the hurt. How the sight of a child crying will prompt careful cooing from a stranger as to their bravery, an offering of cool water, the gentle placement of a bandaid. How a pair of teenagers will spot a lost child in milliseconds and help them seek out their parents protectively. There is so much wretchedness, but also so much beauty in it all, and the older I get the more I see myself wanting to believe in the latter. I want to be hopeful, and easily impressed, and full of love. To be bitter and jaded accomplishes nothing, and only becomes a worsening self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you seek negativity, the more you will find it; and worse, create it.

I also scream a little bit bc like. I’ve gone on and on about how Comte is very obviously in love with MC all the time, and sure that may be true. But...I really don’t think Leo is exempt from that either if I’m honest lmfao. Only because what does Leonardo do when it isn’t his route? He almost never shows up. Once in a while he might appear for a split second in a scene, but he almost never converses with MC beyond those short moments. While Comte is the one to pine openly, I’d wager Leo is the opposite. He pines in absolute silence, because he knows that if he gets any closer--he’s going to fall. He’s going to enjoy it too much, going to keep seeking out more before he can stop himself. And losing another person he loves...he just can’t do it anymore. In his first meeting story he talks about seeing MC’s eyes and feeling like he’d known them all his life, and even in his MS he speaks to just being completely fascinated by and enamored of her. She doesn’t hesitate, always does her best, meets people head-on and without much hesitation. After a lifetime of people that are probably just immediately interested in him for his talents, or always seeking out his company for the novelty, this is someone that doesn’t give a single fuck if he’s Leonardo da Vinci. Sure she’s aware, and sure she’s impressed to some extent, but her respect--her attraction and admiration--is something that has to be earned.

There’s something so refreshing about how their love was written. Sure it’s the whole fake marriage to a real relationship, but it’s also a kind of subtle enemies to lovers pulled off masterfully. MC is 100% minding her own business, just wants to do what she must in order to get home, tries to focus on her work to keep from thinking about how much she misses her old life. She doesn’t rely on anyone, doesn’t talk about how hard it is or how scary it is or how confusing. And even Leonardo forgets in his curiosity, is just chillin and also just trying to do the bare minimum to keep from getting too attached--figures he can admire her from a distance. And then he sees her staring at the hourglass. And suddenly, he can’t just watch her do that herself. Just wait for the hard times to pass, just sit with her own loneliness--that hollowing silence. There’s something so moving about it because he reaches out precisely because he knows that feeling to his fucking marrow, and literally just cannot watch somebody else do that to themselves. Sure he’s been dealing with it for three hundred years, BUT THIS GOOD BABIE CHILD DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. SHE WORKS HARD AND DESERVES NICE THINGS!!!!!!!! And so he drives her crazy as he races ahead of her, intercepting any attempt for her to preserve that silence and hide. She doesn’t see any pattern to it, and that’s just how he likes it--he doesn’t want her to worry about the how or why.

Like I fully remembering playing in Japanese and being like oh my fucking god this is hilarious, this man is just a wild fucker and I love this. I was enjoying myself, mostly laughing and shaking my head. But then it just gets so, so serious. I was having so much fun that I, like a fool, forgot the anime effect. If you’re having fun, it’s going to come crashing down without mercy soon enough. And it does. He helps a little girl without any hope play her violin again, and maybe I’m just too English major but I was fucking FLOORED when I realized I didn’t see that that was straight foreshadowing. That little girl without hope? That was MC (and by extension depending on how you play, us). Though the metaphor isn’t quite so easily mapped without a physical space, the connection is clear when you think about it. With his careful social awareness, he makes a place for MC to exist in the mansion so naturally--as though she was meant to be there from the start, crafts a positive impression of her presence with each of the residents. And he does it with zero expectation of anything in return; he’s just happy to see her not stressing herself out anymore or trying to do everything alone. MC doesn’t fall in love with him despite their differences, she falls in love with him because they are the same in a singular and all-encompassing way that matters; they both care about other people so deeply, to the point where they will forego any personal needs in order to make that person’s life easier. Whether it be muting their own hardship, or working to involve another person in a new space (or opening up to the point of self-destruction to keep a person from feeling alone), they go above and beyond what anybody asks of them--perhaps strong to the point of their own detriment, in some cases.

It’s why I always laugh when he says to Sebastian “That cara mia, she has a good heart.” Of course she does, Leonardo; it certainly takes one to know one.

And because I literally have no brain cells beyond being in fucking love with Leonardo THE LAKE SCENE IS AN AFFRONT TO MY DIGNITY AND SELF-CONTROL. HOW DARE YOU, SIGNORE. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO SIT THERE AND WATCH YOU OPEN YOUR HEART TO ME AND NOT BAWL MY EYES OUT AND TRY TO KISS YOU ALL AT THE SAME TIME. SIGNORE “hAhA yOu’Re So SmAlL yOu LoOk LiKe YoU’rE DrOwNiNg In My CoAt.” I WOULD DROWN AND DIE HAPPY--BITCH I TELL YOU THAT.

Like. I can’t think of another route I’ve ever done where I spent a good amount of time like “lmfao this guy is so wild im gonna punch him” to just be in a whirlpool of my own tears, regretting my entire fucking LIFE days later. Like Leonardo’s cultural impact???? Fucking immeasurable, I wish every white man disaster I ever met had a hidden heart of gold in all of his boyish dumbassery, an ICONIC himbo of our time.

Also because I remembered it before posting and I am Dying^TM. The event where MC was a pureblood and he was human. That entire fucking event. I literally can’t think about it without screaming and crying. Her just so flustered at his reaction to her like “oh look, free real estate” as he plops her in his lap, absolutely no fear, treating her like a princess because of her noble title despite NO NECESSITY BEYOND PLAYFULNESS BUT ALSO STILL MEANING IT IN AN EARNEST WAY, being charming to no END just to see her laugh or look away shyly.

WHEN HE SAID. WHEN HE SAID “...Can’t leave you alone, or you might go off someplace I can’t follow.” I. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU STRIPPED DEVOTION DOWN TO ITS BARE ESSENTIALS!!!!!! GAH HOW MC HERSELF SAYS “I would tell him the truth but...he’s much too generous for a human. I know he would offer his life without a moment’s hesitation.” How Leo describes the aftermath of her biting him: “Lucky for you, I’m a true gentleman, Unlike my principessa, who took me like a storm” HELLO??????? H E L L O ???????????????????????? ARE WE JUST GOING TO SLEEP ON THE FACT THAT HE LOST HIS ENTIRE SOUL WHEN SHE BIT HIM???? I--

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(Also as much as I love him the cigarillos have got to go at some point, boy do you have any idea the shit secondhand smoke does good lordt)

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp comte #can you feel me going through 800 different emotions in the course of writing this #fucking hell #he absolutely kills me i love him so much #would do ANYTHING for him #if you listen v closely you can hear the soft sound of me grabbing tissues #god i was just rewatching some of his events and i just #THE SHEER WARMTH OF HIS PRESENCE HOW IT WASHES OVER YOU WHILE READING #IM SHAKING AND CRYING I LOVE HIM SO MUCH #SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like leo is just one of those routes where its like 'my life was before and after this moment'#otome is honestly destroying my standards OTL #he just makes me feel So Much my coherence disappears #brain cells???? don't know her only Leo tiddy #in conclusion: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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hopelikethemoon · 4 years

Text

Morning Fun (Javier x Reader) {MTMF} [smut]

Title: Morning Fun Rating: Explicit Length: 1500 Warnings: Smut (consensual somnophilia) Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. Fall 1995. I’ve been waiting to use this gif of Phoebe for weeks lmao. Summary: Reader is woken up in the best way possible.

@grapemama @seawhisperer @huliabitch @beccaplaying @rogrsnbarnes@thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow@plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501 @fioccodineveautunnale @roxypeanut @snivellusim @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts@synystersilenceinblacknwhite @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @exrebelshocktrooper@awesomefandomsunited @ah-callie @swhiskeys @lady-tano @u-wakatoshii @space-floozy @cable-kenobi @cool-ultra-nerd @himbopoes @findhimfives @pedrosdoll @frietiemeloen@arrowswithwifi @random066 @uncomicalhumour @heather-lynn @domino-oh-damn @cyarikaaa @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage @ksgeekgirl @yabby-girl @xqueenofthecraziesx @punkass-potato @coredrive @pascalesque@theduchessofkirkcaldy @queenquazar @sabinemorans @buckstaposition @holkaskrosnou@yespolkadotkitty @fleetwoodmactshirt @seeking-a-great–perhaps @kochamcie @jaime1110 @katlikeme

The pair of lips brushing over the back of your neck made a quiet sigh of contentment slip past your lips. The touch wasn’t quite enough to stir you from your dreams, but it was enough to turn your dreams into something new.

A shiver ran down your spine as you as fingers ghosted over your bare back. Your hips shifted as the figure in your dream pinned you against your kitchen table.

One hand slid along your waist, before a pleasant weight settled atop you, pressing you into the mattress.

Hot breath danced over your ear, causing another quiet moan to escape you. The figure in your dream transformed into Javier — you recognized his hands as they drew your arms out in front of you, keeping them pressed against the top of your kitchen table.

“Javi.” You whispered, grinding your ass back against the stiff length of his cock.

The hand at your waist slid beneath you, coming up to grasp your breast, palming it gently as the other hand grabbed at your hip, holding you steady as he rocked against you.

His cock slid between your sensitive folds, teasing you just as mercilessly as the figure in your dream. You were still sensitive from last night — but you craved it. You needed him. You always did.

Javier’s lips ran over the column of your throat, lingering at your ear, “You’re so fucking wet, baby.” He kissed your cheek as you turned your face, sinking into the pillow beneath you. Every nerve in your body felt like they were buzzing.

You inhaled sharply as the head of his cock pressed against your center, your back arching as you tried to slide back onto him. Even in your dream, he teased you.

His fingers curled gracefully around your throat, his thumb brushing along your jawline. “Are you dreaming about me, baby? Are you thinking about last night?”

A sleepy murmur slipped past your lips, but the sound got lost as you moaned as Javier’s cock sank into you, almost all the way to the root.

Your lashes fluttered, lips parting as you were pulled from your dreams into an even better reality. “Oh fuck.” You panted out, biting down on your bottom lip.

“Is this what you wanted, baby?” He questioned, remaining perfectly still within you. “Say the word and I stop.”

“Don’t stop.” You urged, your fingers curling around your pillow as you rolled your hips backwards, taking that last inch of him into you.

Javier’s hand slid from your breast, still wedges between you and the mattress, and trailer it downwards to your lower stomach. He drew you up, his fingers fanned out as he held you there as he snapped his hips into you.

“Fuck!” You gasped out, the angle of his thrusts had him hitting every sweet spot within you. The warmth of sleep quickly shifted into a burning need for him as you moved with him.

You reached behind you, curling your fingers around the back of his head as you drew him down so you could kiss him. It was messy and crooked, but exactly what you needed. “I love you.” You whispered against his mouth.

“Love you too, baby.” Javier grunted out as he pressed a kiss to the crook of your neck, lingering there. “You looked so fucking good laying there.” He told you, his voice rough with effort. “Couldn’t fucking help myself.”

“Last night wasn’t enough?” You taunted, clenching tight around his cock as he slid into you again.

“Woke up hard as a fucking rock,” Javier told you, catching your earlobe between his teeth and tugging lightly at it. “And you looked too good laying there, baby.” He drew out nearly completely, before shallowly thrusting into you. “That pussy was too good to ignore.”

You moaned as he tightened his grip on your throat, not enough to leave a mark, but just enough to make your entire body shudder.

“Come for me again, baby.” Javier kissed a spot behind your ear.

“Again?” You breathed out, grinding back against him as the length of him pressed into you. “Was that why I was dreaming of that fucking mouth of yours, Javi?”

He smirked against the flat of your shoulder, “It was hot.” He ran his thumb over your bottom lip and you wrapped your lips around it, swirling your tongue as you sucked. “Is that okay, baby?” He questioned — always so painfully aware of what you wanted.

You scraped your teeth over his thumb, “How many times have I told you… you have my full permission to wake me up, just like this.” You reached behind you, threading your fingers through his hair.

Javier nodded, kissing your shoulder before he braced a hand beside your head. He used it for leverage to start truly slamming into you. The angle let him fill you to the brim and the way he was pressed against you made you feel overwhelmed in the best of ways.

Fireworks went off in your veins as your release crashed over you, your cunt pulsing around his cock as he slammed into you again and again.

His breath was hot against your shoulder as he grunted out your name, his body tensing above you as he buried the length of his cock within you. Your body clenched around him, milking every second of pleasure from him as his release spilled out.

You let out a plaintive groan as he slid out of you too soon, so he could collapse onto the bed beside you and not crush you into the mattress.

“I wasn’t done with you,” You murmured, reaching out for his hand. Javier flashed you a lazy grin as he slid his fingers in between yours before he interlaced them.

“Less about you and more about my lower back, baby.” He assured you, giving your hand three little squeezes. You weren’t surprised, you could see the way his jaw was taut, an obvious give for when something was bothering him.

You rubbed your thumb over the back of his hand, “Well, we can't have that.” You grinned as you scooted closer to him, nestling yourself into the crook of his arm. “Did you get that out of your system?”

Javier snorted, “Don’t think that’s possible.” He assured you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “But it did the trick.”

You released your hold on his hand and draped your arm over him. You traced the line from his collarbone down to his navel, trailing your fingers up and down his chest. “I was having a very interesting dream.”

“Yeah?” Javier arched a brow, running his tongue over his bottom lip. “You plan on sharing.”

“Maybe,” You shrugged grinning at him. “We were back in Colombia… but I think it was before Josie was born…” You pressed a kiss to his chest. “And you were fucking me over the kitchen table.”

Javier ran his hand down your arm as he grinned at you, “Interesting. I’ll keep that in mind.”

You slapped his chest lightly, “Shut up.”

He leaned in to catch your lips in a gentle kiss, letting it linger before he pulled back, brushing his nose against yours. “Make me.”

“You’re the worst,” You rolled your eyes, stealing another kiss before you pulled away. “But I’ve got work today and we’re thirty minutes out before there’s a hungry baby crying.” You scrunched up your nose.

Javier raked his fingers through his hair, rubbing at the back of his neck as he settled back against the bed. “Probably gonna take her to the seaquariam today.”

“I wish I could come.” You frowned a little. “I might be able to sneak away at lunch. We can grab a bite to eat at the cafe there?”

He nodded, reluctantly letting you go as you sat up. “Sounds like a plan, baby.”

“If I had known this would become a full-time job…” You pursued your lips, shaking your head slowly. “I feel like I miss out on so much shit.”

Javier sat up, curling his arms around your waist and pulling you back against his chest. He rested his chin on your shoulder, “One of us has to work.” He kissed your neck. “And we both know you were raring to get back in the field.”

“With you.” You pointed out. “I miss that.”

You regretted it the second it came out of your mouth. Things were still so weird when it came to Colombia. He had so much guilt and weird emotions about your time there and you had your own baggage.

Sometimes you wondered how much of what you were currently doing was over-correcting for the past. You were working your ass off and he spent every free minute with Josie as her primary caregiver during the day.

He rubbed at the back of his neck, sighing heavily. “Yeah. I miss it too.”

You leaned back against him, resting your head against his shoulder, rubbing your hands over his arms where they were curled around you.

Eventually it would have to be discussed.

But this morning wasn’t the time to dredge you bad memories.

“Next time, I’m gonna be the one waking you up.” You told him, giving his cheek a pat and a kiss before you escaped his hold and moved to get out of bed. “Grab her if she gets up, I’m gonna jump in the shower.”

Javier raked his gaze over your naked body with a smirk, “What, no offer to join you?”

“Someone’s got to get Josie when she wakes up,” You told him with a grin, before vanishing into the bathroom for your shower.

Like clockwork — Josie started crying the second you stepped into the shower, but you knew he had it handled.

#javier pena #javier pena x reader #pedro pascal x reader

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sebspocketsquare · 5 years

Text

Wishing you were here... 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (chatroom)

A/N: Hey guys! Here’s the first real thing I’ve worked on this year... oops! Anyway, I’ve had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you enjoy reading it! Part 1 is mostly just a preview of what’s to come, I have other, longer chapters written and I’m thinking I’ll post once a week! Let me know what you think! (PS i did put a ‘read more’ link in here, so hopefully it works!)

Warnings: language, maybe? flirting? pet names

Masterlist

The only light illuminating your bedroom is the one that comes from your computer screen - bright, almost blinding, and making your eyes silently scream for sleep.

You’re moments from giving in, from turning away from the chat room you’d found your way into a few weeks ago, hoping that you’d find someone to take the edge off your loneliness.

Unfortunately, all you’d managed to find was creepy 60 year old men begging to see your breasts. You weren’t here for it.

A long yawn escapes you, the kind that makes you raise your arms over your head and extend your entire spine. You’re in the process of lowering your arms to exit out of the chat program, when a new IM appears on your screen.

[Sarge1917]: Hello.

You refrain from rolling your eyes, willing yourself to believe that this one won’t be a creep… but there’s a nagging thought in the back of your head, one that whispers: he’s just like the rest.

You reply anyway.

[SpaceKitten]: Hi there.

It takes a few moments before you receive a response.

[Sarge1917]: How are you?

You’re used to the first question someone asks you being “pics?” Or “dtf?” You can’t even think of one person on this god awful site that asked you how you were.

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly.. I’m exhausted. How are you?

His reply is almost instant this time.

[Sarge1917]: Oh, about the same. It’s pretty late where I am.. nearly morning, but I just can’t sleep. What’s got you up?

The fact that he has taken the time to try to have a normal conversation with you has you appalled… but also intrigued.

[SpaceKitten]: My mind won’t stop racing. I’m up all night, every night. I’d blame insomnia, but…

You hit the send button before you realize it.

[Sarge1917]: but…?

You don’t expect him to reply so quickly and you face an internal struggle: do you be honest, or do you lie?

He’s a complete stranger, so why not tell the truth?

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly, I’ve never liked sleeping alone.. Once the sun sets and night takes over I.. I’m overwhelmed with how lonely I really am. I can’t stop thinking about it.

He doesn’t respond straight away this time, and you’re afraid you might’ve scared him off. Fiddling with a random toy on your desk, you anxiously await the sound of a new IM coming through.

[Sarge1917]: We have more in common than you think. I know that feeling, exactly, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry.

You’re chewing your lip as you re-read each word, letting it soak in.

A total creep would never speak to you in such a sweet way, right?

You decide to be brave.

[SpaceKitten]: I keep telling myself that Mr. Right will come along some day and sweep me off my feet, but.. The more I think about it, the more it seems unlikely.

[Sarge1917]: Why’s that?

You sit back in your chair for a moment, letting out a long sigh as you contemplate your response. You’d been honest with him so far, so why not continue on that note?

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly?

[Sarge1917]: Honestly.

Taking in a large breath, you write out your reply.

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly.. most of the men I’ve gone on dates with, and the ones I’ve met here only want one thing from me.. and I’m not looking for just that, you know? I want something.. real, I guess? That probably sounds stupid..

His response is delayed for a few moments, but when it finally shows on your screen, you have to bite back a smile.

[Sarge1917]: Not stupid at all.

[Sarge1917]: In fact, I’d like to apologize on behalf of all of the men who have made you feel like a sex object.

[Sarge1917]: Nowadays, most men are.. for a lack of a better word, pigs. It makes all of us look bad.

[Sarge1917]: You deserve better than that. You deserve to be treated like a goddess.

[SpaceKitten]: Oh, I don’t know about a ‘goddess’, but.. I’d like to at least be treated like a person.

[Sarge1917]: Like an equal.

[SpaceKitten]: It’s like you read my mind.

[Sarge1917]: (:

You’re not sure how late you stayed up talking to your new mystery friend, mostly because you end up falling asleep at the keyboard. The only reason you wake is the sun peeking through the curtains and directly on your face.

The first thing you’re acutely aware of is that your back and neck are killing you. You’ve got drool stuck to your cheek and you’re quite sure the shape of the keys are embedded into the side of your face.

You couldn’t look worse.

The computer is still up and running, your chat app still open, along with your conversation.

You feel guilt flood your belly immediately.

While having such a pleasant conversation, you fall asleep on him? What kind of jerk does that make you?

The guilt starts to swirl and alter to another emotion as you read the last bit of your conversation over, the skin up your neck and to your cheeks burning with.. embarrassment? Desire? You weren’t sure.

[Sarge1917]: Well, kitten, it would appear you’ve fallen asleep on me. Can’t say I blame you, it’s nearly 7am here..

[Sarge1917]: I really enjoyed talking with you. And I’m glad I was able to help you find a way to sleep.

There’s a long time gap between the last message and the next.

[Sarge1917]: I was thinking.. maybe if you wanted.. we could talk again? I don’t know what it is, but.. I really would like to get to know you better.

[Sarge1917]: Would that be alright with you?

[Sarge1917]: I hope so.. Sweet dreams, kitten.

How could you possibly say no?

Night after night, week after week, you fall asleep at your desk messaging back and forth with Sarge. He’s sweet, charming and almost a little too perfect in some ways. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t grown attached - the kind of attached when chatting with him was the highlight of your day; the kind where you’d once spent an entire hour wondering what the color of his eyes were and if he has a beard or not.

It’s the kind where you’re afraid that someday, he might disappear.

6 months later, you were still conversing every day, but that fear just seemed to grow and grow. How long would this last?

You’re in your usual spot at your computer with your usual snacks, listening to music. It’s late, your neighbors have already gone to sleep, and it almost feels like you’re the only person left awake in the entire world.

Until a new IM notification appears on your screen.

TAGS: (sorry if you dont like being tagged, its been so long since i’ve posted idk who to tag anymore lolol. @mindingmyownbusiness @plumfondler @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @loricameback @tinaferraldo @geminimoonbeamx @preserumsteverogers @moderapoppins @lowkeysebby @buckyshattergirl @jayattemptstoruletheworld @the-observant-fangirl @moondancewrites @moonbeambucky @trinityjadec @stevieang @bionic-buckyb @eyecandybarnes @propertyofpoeandbucky @promarvelfangirl @ballyhoobarnes @bucky-plums-barnes @cate-lynne @witchymarvelspacecase @imaginingbucky @theimpossibleg1rl

#bucky x reader #wishing you were here..#sometimes i write #sebspocketsquare #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fic

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lunalovefics · 5 years

Text

hazy shade of winter PART 1

pairing - felix rosier x mc

requested ? yep ! unfortunately i didn't get a username so i couldn’t tag them, but if this was yours please leave a comment because I loved writing this !

summary : you stay behind at hogwarts over christmas holiday and become much closer with a certain prefect while all of your friends are away...

warnings : slow burn ?

(also i haven't written anything in a hot minute so if this sucks i apologize and very much appreciate any constructive criticism as im trying to improve my writing. but im very excited this is the first fic im posting to my new account!)

It was a another freezing winter morning as I woke up unusually early, bringing the covers up over my head tossing and turning trying to fall back asleep to escape the cold for just a few more hours. I groaned throwing the heavy blanket away from my face taking in a deep breath, brushing the stray pieces of (h/c) hair from my eyes. It was no use. I was completely and fully awake, totally aware of how quite the room was without all my friends going about their usual morning routine. The only sound keeping me company today was the wind rustling harshly against my window as I stare at the ceiling now desperately wishing I had taken Rowan or even Bill’s invitation to spend the break with them. It was only the first day of holiday and I already missed them. ‘‘ it’s only two weeks.” I tried to reassure myself.

I look over to the window the sun still not even up, “if the sun gets to sleep in i should be able to.” I frown to myself as I realize i’m going to have to get up at some point. I bite the bullet and decide to try and make to most of the day, that thought lasted all of five minutes as after I brushed my hair and teeth I couldn't be bothered to exert any more energy. Assuming I’m either the only one in slytherin who stayed behind on holiday or at the very least the only one awake at this hour I decided there would be no better way to spend these next few hours then curled up in the common room next to the fireplace getting ahead of my studies. I quickly pulled on an over sized (f/c) sweater not even bothering to change out of my pajama pants and grabbed a few textbooks as I made my way down to the common room to find it actually decorated quite nicely, a christmas tree dawned our house colors, stockings over the fireplace, and a few other decorations here and there. I smiled taking in the scene as I sat back into the couch getting as comfortable as possible before opening my potions book.

I’d say I got in a good forty-five minutes of studying before I ultimately fell asleep. Potions always seemed to do that to me, hence why Penny had to tutor me so often. I was sure I had been out for a at least an hour or two as I finally woke up yawning as a rubbed my surprisingly still tired eyes. Looking down I noticed my book set neatly on the table in front of me and a blanket covering my now very warm body. It was only then that I looked over and noticed that I was in fact not alone here. Not even two feet away from me sat a familiar form.

“I see you are finally awake.” he didn’t sound as cold as he normally did, in fact he almost sounded pleased?

“Felix? What time is it?” was the only thing that managed to escape my lips as I was a bit shocked to see him.

“A bit after eight I suppose.” he replied marking a place in his book before sitting it on the table, turning to give me his full attention. “You know I don’t consider it wise to spend the night in the common room, I imagine it’s not very comfortable and it can get quite cold.” he added glancing down for only a moment.

That’s when I realized what exactly he was looking at. I was now all to aware of the fact that he was the one who had covered me with this blanket and neatly arranged my books. But why would he do that? Was he sitting there waiting for my to wake up? Was I overthinking this situation? Probably. I mean he was just looking out for his housemate, that’s what a prefect does after all. I tried not to make the situation any more than it was but I was unable to suppress the blush creeping up my cheeks. I sat up, now sitting criss cross only a few inches separating us.

“I wasn't down here all night.” I corrected him. “I woke up pretty early and couldn't go back to sleep so I thought it would be a good idea to come down here and try and get ahead of my lessons, but you can see how well that worked out.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised considering how many house points you've lost us by falling asleep in Snapes class.” shockingly he didn't sound as if he were scolding me like he normally did when it came to house points.

“It’s not my fault his voice is so unbearably boring that I have no other choice than to go to sleep.” I joked trying to lighten the mood. I swore I could see the corners of his mouth turn up ever so slightly. “What are you doing here anyway? Wouldn’t you rather spend the holidays at home instead of being cooped up here?”

“You know I could ask you the same question (l/n).” he replied raising a brow. I suppose he was right. Who am I kidding, he was always right.

l smiled at his response just sitting there for a moment taking in his features. It was nice seeing him outside of his house robes and uniform. He was wearing a simple grey turtle neck, black pants, and his normal black dress shoes. Good to know he still remained quite formal even when no one was a round to see. His hair was still slicked back and his cheek bones were just as sharp but something seemed different. His expression seemed less tired, almost relaxed. But I suppose that made since, even though we were stuck at Hogwarts we were still on holiday.

He cleared his throat, though our eyes never broke apart. Oh Merlin. I thought to myself, just how long have I been just staring at him. I averted my eyes as fast as humanly possible, practically jumping out of my seat. Smooth (y/n) smooth.

“Want to go to the Great Hall? I could really use some coffee.” I smiled mentally face palming myself as hard as possible.

He shrugged getting up from his seat, “Sure.”

And just like that the two of us started to make our way to the Great Hall.

(Felix’s pov)

It was only six am when I awoke to the cold nipping at me from under the covers, I looked around to my empty room and sighed as I would be spending yet another Christmas alone at Hogwarts.

“at least i can get some peace and quite.”

I soon got up to get dressed and made my way to the common room ready to get started with the day. Of course I didn't expect to see anyone else here at all let alone at this time, you could definitely say I was more than taken aback to find someone asleep on the couch. I felt my heart rate speed up even more when I realized that it was you. Questions immediately began to pop into my mind. Why hadn't you gone home on break? Why were you asleep in the common room? Had you been there all night? What were you dreaming about? I had caught myself off guard with that last one.

I looked around the common room at all the decorations I managed to get up that night before making my was over to you. Gently brushing a piece of hair away from your face tucking it behind your ear I smiled at how serene you looked. As I pulled the book you were reading from your hand my fingers grazed yours, you were freezing. After placing the book neatly on the table I went to my room to get you a blanket.

If you were going to sleep in the common room you should have at least brought a blanket with you. It’ll be a wonder if you manage to not get sick. I mean really you need to start being more responsible.

As I walked back in I couldn't help but just stare at you for a moment as I covered you up, I had never been more glad you were asleep as I was sure that you would have been able to hear every beat of my heart. I debated on whether or not I should sit in a different seat worried you would find my decision to sit next to you odd at the very least but I couldn’t resist. I sat down as slowly and as quietly as possible doing my best not to wake you, managing to sit back and start my book without causing so much as a stir.

I tried to read my book and ignore the fact that you were asleep next to me but it was almost as if the more I tried to concentrate the harder it became. I read the same sentence over at least ten time before finally giving in to watch over you as you slept, my eyes shifting back and forth from you, to the fire burning, and finally back to the book as I realized what a creep I was probably being and decided to try and give reading another attempt. But I still couldn't help but smile at every little snore. (if you don’t snore, well you do now uwu)

This went on for just a little over an hour before I felt you moving around, looking over as you woke up. When your tried gaze met mine I could feel my face soften, there really was no one like you.

(y/n)’s pov

It didn't take long to make it to the Great Hall as we walked there in almost total silence, not that I minded it was honestly nice just to have the company. Truth was I was grateful not only was I going to have someone to spend the holiday with but I was going to be able to spend it with Felix. I know we weren't close or anything, and given all the times I lost our house points he probably didn't like me very much but i’d be lying to say I didn't enjoy every moment I could steal from him.

As we walked through the doors I looked around taking in the sight of all the decorations, even with how empty it was the room felt so full of joy. Felix of course kept the same stoic expression as he always did but I like to think he enjoyed the scenery as well.

We took our seats at the end of the table sitting across from each other as we had our breakfast.

“So (y/n) what are you doing here on holiday if you don’t mind me asking?” he questioned finally breaking the silence.

“And what if I do?” I replied teasing him a bit.

He raised a bored brow, but I could tell he was a bit taken back by my response.

“You’re not here to cause trouble I hope.” He was already on to me, I had to think quick.

“Who? Me?” I asked looking around. “Felix please I am the back bone of this house, I would never.” I smirked even though it was a very obvious lie. He rolled his eyes at the “back bone of slytherin” however he was amused to say the least.

“Well that certainly is a shame.” he started before taking a sip of his tea. “Because if your offer still stands, I say we make this break interesting for once.”

I didn't know what to say, was this all a trap to get me to reveal my plans? He was prefect after all, was he really willing to get in trouble? But all my mind could really focus on was the fact he even remembered my offer.

“Well (y/n), what will it be?”

What came over me I don’t know, maybe it was the look in his eyes. A mischievous glint I had never seen in him before, maybe my curiosity got the better of me. Or maybe it was that skip of my heart that made the decision for me.

“Alright Rosier, let’s do it.” I grinned going against all better judgement I agreed extending my hand to seal the deal.

As he grabbed my hand he pulled me closer to him, leaning across the table, “I must warn you if we’re going to do something this reckless we do it my way. I won’t have us getting caught.” I could only nodded in agreement as words were not even an option in this moment, he finally realized the position we were in and let me go. Though a small part of my wished he hadn’t.

He went back to his tea focusing rather hard on it trying to hide the ever so slight blush forming. I couldn't quite wrap my head around what had just happened but I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to stop thinking about it any time soon.

It wasn't long before we were both finished and ready to head out deciding to head to the library to read up on some information that could help us in our adventure. As we were walking I forced him to take a slight detour stopping by the courtyard to look out at the frosty morning. I let out a happy sigh watching as my breath came out in a cloud. The air was bitter and I definitely wasn't dressed for such cold weather but I had never been so happy to shiver. Seeing the ground covered in a beautiful sheet of white as even more spilled from the sky almost made me forget about everything else going on around me. I walked out looking up at sky trying to catch a snow flake on my tongue.

“(y/n) get back here ! It’s freezing, you're going to get sick !” I heard Felix call after me but it was like it really just went in one ear and out the other. Little did I know how intently he was watching me, I didn't even think of how silly I probably looked but in that moment I couldn't care less. Twirling around in the snow I become almost lost in my own little world and didn't even notice when Felix had come up behind me.

I jumped as I was snapped back to reality feeling something rather warm wrap around me. Looking down I saw a scarf now resting on my shoulders. I quickly turned around staring up at Felix who was now standing right in front of me, snow now starting to cover us both. My (e/c) eyes met his brown ones and the heat immediately began to rise to my already rosy cheeks. I tried taking the scarf off but he placed his hands on mine to stop me, re wrapping it before his hand moved to my cheek. His hands felt so warm even out in the freezing cold.

“You’ll get cold.” I said averting my gaze trying to protest.

“I’m not the one shivering.” he smiled as I felt his hand move from my cheek to brush a fallen strand of (h/c) hair behind my ear. Little did I know this wasn't the first time he had done this.

I had no idea how to respond, it seemed like he never failed to make me speechless, but this? This was a side of him that I didn't even know existed. How did the point obsessed prefect become so.....sweet? As I looked up at him I smiled gently cupping his hands in mine, raising them to my lips blowing out a bit of warm air.

“I will shiver in this cold happily if it means I get to stand here next to you.” staring up at him I was glad to know I was no longer the only one blushing.

“Lets head inside before we catch our death out here.” he said before placing a gentle kiss on my forehead, I could feel a smile form onto his lips as I intertwined his hand with mine.

These were going to be an interesting two weeks.

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clownbeep · 5 years

Text

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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queercode-my-minecraft · 5 years

Text

Fireworks

Also, called Fireworks | four times Virgil almost kissed Roman and one time they actually did or When Virgil Realised he was Fucked (althought, the only thing that could make this Rating T is all the swearwords). Anyway, this was an nexchange gift for @1-800-im-not-ok, i started writing it during Christmas which means this is Christmas themed, I hope you like it V

A big thanks to the amazing and fantastic @daring-elm for having beta-d this, ily <3

Words: 3441

Relationship/s: romantic Prinxiety, background romantic Logicality

Warnings: swearwords, kissing, fireworks, caplocks, if you see anything please tell me!

Virgil had only planned one thing for the looming Christmas vacation. And it was sleeping and catching up with everything that College had stopped him from enjoying.

In his humble opinion it was a great idea, not even the greatest strategists could devise such a masterplan. Although, in every masterplan there was a faulty factor that would be mistakenly forgotten.

For Virgil it had been Roman and Patton’s willingness to follow his plan. They had in fact rented a small chalet in the middle of nowhere and had decided to pass the 24th of December to the 5th of January without doing much else than spending time together.

At the beginning, it had even sounded an ideal situation, but Virgil realised he was fucked when he woke up the day of Christmas, earlier than intended to obviously.

In the living room, where he and Roman had been propped up to sleep, a sweet scent of cookies had invested him when the sun had just begun peaking through the mountains, showering the world in a soft pink light. Groggily, Virgil turned around, a loud groan escaping from his lips, followed by a chuckle.

“Good morning to you too, Sleep and Sound.”

At the voice, Virgil opened an eye, finding the bed next to him empty. Maybe it was the sleep still clouding his judgement or his anxiety kicking in, however, this didn’t change the fact that Virgil squealed concerned finding his side empty, jumping on his feet.

Roman chuckled once again, drawing Virgil’s gaze on him.

“Wha-?”

“I got up early to prepare, uh, breakfast for- all of you. Yeah, all of you.” He said, turning redder the more he talked.

“For being an incredibly talented actor you suck at lying, Princey.” Grinned Virgil, moving towards the kitchen.

“I am not!” Sputtered Roman, flaring as Virgil passed through the kitchen door smirking.

“Not what? Not a good acto- Oh.”

Roman turned to look at the kitchen and at Virgil, who had wide eyes and was staring at the numerous trays of cookies displayed around the room. He bit his lip nervously, hoping he hadn’t tragically messed up.

“They’re- they’re my favourite cookies…” Virgil turned to look at Roman, wonder and surprise so clear in those grey eyes that he had fallen so hard for. “How did you know the recipe and all?”

Roman guilty stared at a tray of biscuits. “I might have asked Logan to give me his recipe.”

“And he gave it to you so easily? Do you know how much I asked and I /still don’t have it?”

“Well, I pleaded, a lot. And, I promised I wouldn’t start singing Disney songs once here.”

Virgil chuckled, his low voice making Roman’s heart miss a beat.

“I- I just hope it was worth it.”

The smile that Virgil offered him was small, quiet and sincere. So Virgil, that it made Roman want to hug him and place a kiss on the top of his head, as told him how much he was gay for him.

However, he knew that Virgil would probably hate him if he ever tried doing hugging him or kissing him without consent. And that would be if he was interested in Roman, and there was a high chance he wasn’t, which was disheartening, to say the least.

Virgil took one of those cookies, a tiny one, and ate it quickly before offering another smile.

“Yeah, it was worth it.” He murmured, low enough that, even if there was someone in the room, only Roman could hear him.

Roman’s breath hitched when Virgil took an inside step towards him, sneaking his arms around him in a hug. They remained in that position for couple seconds, both hearing the other’s fast heartbeat.

“Can I kiss you?”

The words were just a whisper, barely audible to Roman’s ears, but they made his heart soar.

Roman nodded, before leaning down, eyes fluttering closed and-

“Hey guys- Oh my gosh!”

When Roman opened his eyes, staring into Virgil’s grey ones, both of them felt as their dream had been shattered. The two remained a couple of moments hugging each other, basking in the contact and not wanting to leave the other.

Virgil was the first to walk off, coughing awkwardly, taking a few cookies and walking out of the kitchen red faced.

“‘Morning Patt, I’m gonna go wake the nerd.”

Quickly Virgil disappeared, leaving Roman staring at a grinning Patton.

“I’m glad you two are finally dating!”

Between all the things he could’ve said, he said that?

“We’re not dating, Padre.” Answered Roman, turning to make space in the kitchen, finding that without Virgil’s warmth around him he felt empty.

“But, you were kissing!”

“No, we weren’t.”

“You totally would be if it wasn’t for me busting in before you could eat each other’s face!”

Roman turned towards his friends, uttering his famous trademark offended noises, only making Patton giggle.

“Okay, then. You aren’t dating. I have a plan that might help.”

“Oh?”

“Logan! I love your boyfriend, but, he shouldn’t be left entering rooms alone.” Exclaimed Virgil, sitting on the bed.

The previously mentioned man, turned to look at his friend, glaring.

“Why the fuck are you waking me up at the ass crack of fucking dawn?”

“Don’t let yourself be heard by Patton, or I won’t have a friend to ramble about my gay crush to.”

“What the fuck did that dipshit do this time?” Grumbled Logan, his voice muffled by the pillow he had hid his face in.

“He baked me cookies! With your secret recipe and they’re so good. Anyway, I hugged him and asked to kiss him and he nodded, which thinking about it, would that be a sign that he likes me. Probably not. But! We were about to kiss and I was dying, when your boyfriend came down and entered the kitchen and- fuck. I left the dad down with the handsome boy I was about to kiss.”

“That’s- that’s a lot of words uttered extremely fast, which I didn’t hear, or understand, half of.”

Virgil groaned, falling next to Logan.

“I am so gay, my heart can’t survive this.”

“I’m glad that you’re aware that you’re gay, Virgil.”

The second time Virgil knew he was fucked was after realising that it was snowing outside, when Roman and Patton had enthusiastically decided that they had to have a snowball fight.

It’s fair to say that Logan and Virgil are weak for the other two. It took puppy dog eyes and a couple of kisses to get Logan outside, and only a smile from Roman to get Virgil too.

Leaving the two men, raccooned in their heavy clothes, throwing snowballs at the others and trying not to swear.

During the fight, as it got more intense, Patton disappeared behind the enemies walls, bringing Roman with him. After moments of eerie silence, where Virgil and Logan could do nothing but look helplessly at where they had disappeared, fearing of what was going to happen, the two returned at full force.

Patton ran to his boyfriend, tackling him in a hug and peppering his face in kisses before giggling gleefully under Logan’s fond gaze. Instead, Roman, simply tackled the other in the snow in an impromptu snow fight. Rolling in the snow, until Virgil managed to pin Roman to the ground, sporting a smirk.

He looked down at the man, brown eyes wide and a red blush covering his handsome features.

“Hello there.”

“Get off me, prick.”

“Oh? So I’m the prick now?” Whispered back Virgil closing the gap between them, enjoying as Roman became more flustered by the second.

“No. Well, yes? I think- I don’t know, it’s hard to think when you’re close.”

“Is it now?” Asked teasing Virgil, a hand falling in the others hair and beginning to play with a few strands of hair, at Roman’s dismay, who blushed profusely. Humming Roman said:

“Oh yeah, those eyes are what I dream about and those lips…”

This was Virgil’s time to flush bright red, as Roman’s eyes fell on his lips.

“Would you mind telling me, or showing me, how these dreams about me are?” Virgil managed to stammer, slowly closing the gap between the two.

“Of course.”

Said Roman in a whisper, before his eyes fluttered closed.

However, it was too good to be true and Logan had still a surprisingly good aim, which he brought to use to throw a snowball at Virgil.

“Lo! They were having a moment!” Exclaimed Patton and both men on the ground turned to observe the scene.

Logan shrugged. “No PDA aloud.”

“Unfair, you make out with Patton at every opportunity!” Argued Virgil, flopping on the snow next to Roman who barked out in laugher.

“FALSEHOOD!”

The shout startled all three of them, making them jump back and turn towards Logan, who quickly recomposed himself. His cold demeanour returning before their very eyes.

“I’m sorry for my outburst.”

The statement was followed by a curt cough filled with awkwardness, before he continued.

“I would recommend we return inside before the snow storm starts. And, since we have to refill the pantry and /someone decided to bake cookies…”

“Hey!”

“... to demonstrate my guilt for having shouted earlier, I offer myself to go down to the town and buy enough food to, at least, survive another few days. We might get snowed in, it’s better to be cautious than reckless.”

Throwing a glare towards Roman, who grinned amused, Logan began walking towards the house, Patton close to his heels. Once he reached him, he took Logan’s hand, turning him to look at him, a fond expression on his face.

“It’s okay, Lolo. You don’t have to go. But, if you really want to go I can come with you to keep you company, honey.”

Logan’s face softened, leaving a tiny kiss on his forehead.

“Of course you come, starshine.” He murmured barely audibly, taking Patton inside.

In the meantime, Roman had gotten up on his feet, offering a hand to Virgil, who was following with his eyes the couple, still sat on the snow.

Smirking Virgil took the hand, getting up and intertwining their fingers together.

Sharing a smile the two returned to the warmth of the chalet.

The third time he knew he was utterly and irremediably fucked was hours later, Logan and Patton nowhere in sight, lost in the storm that surrounded the mountains. Leaving Virgil and Roman alone in the house.

They had been huddled next to each, softly chatting, as they ate some of the cookies and the fire of the fireplace warming them.

Virgil didn’t remember what they were talking about, something about tea and coffee and hot chocolate, but, when he turned towards Roman he froze. For once, his mind was silent, taking in the man before him.

His dark eyes were shining in amusement, a lopsided grin - the same that made Virgil weak to his knees - was bright and his hair had curled up in irresistible locks that made Virgil want to sink his hand in and kiss him senselessly.

“Uhm, Virgil? You’ve been staring at me for nearly two whole minutes. I know I’m stunning, but if you want, you can take a picture of me.” Said Roman, his grin widening.

Oh god, he’s amazing.

Virgil shrugged, leaning on Roman, his face flushing bright red.

“It’s nothing- just- what- can you repeat what you were saying?”

Roman chuckled, placing a kiss on Virgil’s hair. “I was simply stating that hot chocolate should only be drank with small marshmallows in it. Nothing more.”

At that, Virgil scrunched his nose.

“I’d rather prefer the treasure that is hot chocolate without disgusting marshmallows to ruin it.”

Roman gasped at his words, utterly betrayed by the man he thought he loved.

“How dare you? How dare you say that you hate marshmallows? Especially in hot chocolate? Do you hate love, you demon without a heart?”

Although, Virgil snorted at his antics, he couldn’t stop a fond smirk from appearing.

“But… I could forgive you.”

Quirking his eyebrow, Virgil, tilted his head to look at Roman’s equally red face.

“You could?”

Roman smiled softly, cupping Virgil’s cheeks and failing to not lose himself in man before him and those grey storming eyes, that reminded him of how Virgil had swept in his life like a storm. Absolutely changing his life upside down. God, had he fallen hard for this emo.

“Yeah, I could.” He whispered.

Virgil’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt the ghost of Roman’s lips on his.

The next thing he knew was someone, or rather Patton, shouting from the other side of the door:

“KIDDOS! Please, open the doo- IT’S SNOWING!”

When Virgil opened his eyes once again, he saw his disappointment reflecting in Roman’s eyes.

“We gotta go save those two idiots, don’t we?” Asked Virgil, with a defeated sigh.

Roman chuckled, placing a kiss on his forehead before getting up to open the door to their two friends.

“Couldn’t you just come two minutes later? I was about to kiss my boyfriend!” Grumbled Virgil, following Roman and reaching to help to the two.

Patton squealed, letting the bags he was holding fall to the ground.

“You got together?”

Roman’s eyes fell on Virgil, who had flushed bright red and had started stammering incoherently.

“Well, no, I mean- sure, yes, if-“ then he turned towards Roman, offering a hopeful smile.

“Would you be my boyfriend?”

Roman grinned at the words.

“That was the most unromantic way of asking me and you don’t like marshmallows in your hot chocolate, but- holy shit. I’d love to be your boyfriend.”

Taking Virgil, his /boyfriend, in his arms, the two were only left to bask in the others presence. Observing the quiet glee that resounded in Virgil and the boisterous joy that Roman didn’t dare hide.

That was until Logan cleared his throat, divert their attention to him.

“I’m glad you finally sorted through your romantic shenanigans, however, the door is still open, the snow storm is still raging and we need to bring everything inside before the snow makes it impossible to get back outside.”

Virgil separated from Roman smiling brightly, turning to help Logan bring everything inside.

He might not have gotten a kiss, but, he had a boyfriend now and that was enough for him.

Virgil knew he was fucked the next day, when he woke up from his boyfriend’s warmth, the snow storm still raging outside. Cold and seemingly without wanting to stop.

He shuffled closer to Roman, his boyfriend- it was still unbelievable that such a handsome and amazing person like Roman had chosen him. The steady breathing, the warm secure arms around him and the falling and rising of his chest grounding Virgil.

As Roman slept, lost in the land of dreams, he was left gazing at the other man. Trying to remember his every trait and detail. How his curly hair adorned his handsome face, the expression of pure relaxation painted on his face, his perfect jaw calling for Virgil’s lips in an impulse hard to resist.

“You’re staring again, stormy angel.” Slurred Roman, eyes pressed together and tightening his grip around his smaller boyfriend. Virgil giggled softly, letting a kiss on the others nose.

“Can you blame me? I’m trying to immortalise this moment, how gorgeous my boyfriend looked when he woke up for the first time in my arms.”

At his words, Roman snorted opening his eyes. The pale blush that had started spreading on his cheeks was obvious, soft like the petals of a rose. A rose, such a perfect metaphor for Roman.

“That’s- you’re so perfect. But, you don’t have to immortalise me, I’m here. I’m not going away, I’m not going to abandon you because you- you deserve so much, my lovely and stormy angel.”

Hiding his flushed face in Roman’s chest, he hugged him tighter, willing his eyes close.

“Thank you, my handsome prince. I- what did I do to deserve you?”

A ghost of a smile appeared on Roman’s face, as he caressed with a thumb his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Except being a fabulous boyfriend?” He chuckled, “Nothing. You don’t have to do anything to deserve love. You deserve it no matter what.”

Virgil opened his eyes slowly, staring quietly in Roman’s dark brown eyes, the colour of fresh earth, and of the sweetest of chocolates.

“Uhm, you- have very pretty eyes.”

Roman’s chest thundered with laughter at his words, making Virgil swell with pride. Between stolen glances whenever he could, Virgil had come to the conclusion that when Roman laughed he was beautiful.

“Gosh, I could kiss you.” Breathed out Virgil, still caught in the awe of the view.

“Then please do.”

The gap between them closed once more, this time though he managed to press his lips against Roman’s before a clang interrupted them.

“FUCK!” Came the following remark by none other than Logan.

“Oh come on!” Grumbled Virgil, hiding his face in Roman’s shoulder, followed by another laugh.

This was honestly getting ridiculous, why could the fates or destiny or whatever just align so he could fucking kiss the hell out of his boyfriend?

“Do you think he needs help some there in the kitchen?” Roman wondered, moving Virgil’s fringe from his eyes.

He snorted, clinging to Roman. “He’s a fucking baker, I hope he can survive enough to not burn the housel. Plus, there’s no way in hell anyone is getting me out of this comfortable bed where I’m cuddling my wonderful and comfortable boyfriend.”

Roman chuckled, placing a kiss on his forehead.

“Alright, I think I understand.”

“You better because I’m not moving.”

A few hours later, Roman had successfully managed to get Virgil out of bed, despite the others threats and whines. They were now in the kitchen, staring at the scene before them, Virgil perched on the counter legs dangling and Roman casually resting next to him.

“It’s disgusting. It’s like watching your parents.” Groaned Virgil, taking another bite of the heavenly cookies Logan had prepared.

It seemed that after Roman’s baking spree the morning before, Logan had decided to bake some cookies too. Except he had overdone it, probably because he was worried he would let down his cookie loving boyfriend, and now the whole kitchen and living-room was filled with batches of cookies of all kind.

When Patton has seen it, his eyes widened, his bright smile appearing and flinging himself in Logan’s arms, proceeding to kiss him senselessly. In front of their two friends.

“Are we like that too?” Asked Roman, turning to look at Virgil.

“I don’t think so. I, mean, we have never went at one am in the morning to a cinema only to have a steamy make out session that resulted in being banned from the cinema and having your best friend come and fetch you.”

“What the fuck? Have they actually done that?”

Virgil turned to look at Roman’s wide, incredulous eyes. “Yes. It was a week after they got together, after that they just chose to do- who knows what when I wasn’t in the apartment.”

“Holy shit, the nerd isn’t as stuck-up as I thought.”

They had been lucky, soon after breakfast the snow storm had cleared up.

It was still impossible to get back to town, however, they could get out of the house. In the time for that night's show.

The sky had gone dark, stars shining brighter than they have ever seen, a guidance maybe, it surely was for those who first mapped them and that Logan was now excitedly telling Patton about. Roman and Virgil had decided to stand a few meters of distance, their fingers intertwined together as they awaited for the beginning to fireworks.

“It’s- breathtaking.” Whispered Roman, gaze lost in the white mountains that surrounded them like giants. Virgil hummed in agreement.

That was when the fireworks started.

Bright colours obscuring the dark sky, making the white giants shine with a bit of more colour. Roman turned towards Virgil, eyes shining from the overwhelming emotions that those incredible colours brought. However, his voice ideas in his throat at the sight of his boyfriend.

He too was captivated by them, lips slightly parted and eyes reflecting the colours that shone so beautifully. With a soft smile, Roman tugged on his scarf, making Virgil turn towards him.

“Prince-?”

The nickname, though, was never concluded as Roman kissed him.

Fireworks.

That was all that Virgil could describe the kiss as: fireworks at every touch. Colours and passion flashing above their heads and in their hearts, until they were left breathless.

#roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #prinxiety #logicality #sanders sides #sam writes #tw kissing #fluff

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waitinginthedarke · 5 years

Text

It Consumes Me

A BTS/Kim Namjoon Fanfiction

Summary: The minute he laid eyes on her he knew she was the one. But love is a battle of the mind and the heart, and when the voices in your head start winning, how can your heart possibly compete with a choice that consumed you before the very start…

Type: Angst/Love

Disclaimer: This story contains strong themes. Should a chapter be potentially triggering, it will be stated beforehand.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Chapter 9

The film had finished by the time he returned to you, the intensity of the final scenes not allowing you to notice how long he’d been gone until you were swallowed by the anxiousness brought on by having to socialize with the others without him there, left by yourself in an unknown environment.

Thankfully Jimin and Jungkook had kept you at ease with their discussion of the marvel universe, so by the time Namjoon sidled up beside you, you didn’t have the tight chest you’d had initially, and you were able to smile enthusiastically up at him as he settled his hand on your shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze of greeting.

‘Sorry, I missed the end of the film, I went to speak to Yoongi-hyung for a moment.’

So much for the anxiousness receding.

Looking behind Namjoon, you watch as the one guy who’d been so elusive all evening comes to a stop just over his shoulder, his sudden presence causing you to jump up from your seat to greet him, already having assumed that he was your elder and knowing you should be polite to him with the attitude the others had approached him with this evening so far.

‘I do apologise, y/n, I feel like I haven’t formerly introduced myself yet. Unfortunately, its been quite a long day and im a bit of an introvert so I just needed to recharge the old batteries with some time alone. However, ...here I am now, and Namjoon seems to want us all to get to know one another, so I thought I’d make a special effort to stay awake to do so.’

Watching him talk to you now left you questioning if the guy who’d glared at you and had seemed so distrustful earlier, was the same guy that presented himself to you now; smile seeming completely natural and eyes watching you kindly as he lets his greeting sink in.

‘You shouldn’t have stayed up for me. From everything Jungkook has told me about how crazy busy your lives are, you probably need every bit of sleep you can get.’ You offer, suddenly feeling very apologetic when you realize you’d probably interrupted what would have been an evening of rest for everyone else had you not suggested to Namjoon that you come over to stay to avoid your father from becoming overly suspicious towards your activities.

Although he was probably too drunk to care right about now.

‘Its most definitely not a problem, y/n. In fact, it’s a nice change to the normal cycle of ‘practise-sleep-practise-sleep’. Besides, I want to get to know you, since its obvious you mean so much to Namjoon-ah, here.’

Subconsciously you begin to pinch your elbows with uncertainty where your arms were crossed defensively across your chest, the action having been a natural reaction to Yoongi’s presence, but you don’t become aware of your stance until your thoughts are pulled to the feel of Namjoon gently curving his hand around your waist, fingertips gently tapping your own where there were curled into your skin on the opposite side of you. The action was clearly meant to be subtle, but whether it was your sudden quiet intake of breath upon feeling Namjoon’s touch, or the way you’d been shifting minutely, yet nervously for the past few minutes, the second you become aware of your actions you glance at the man in front of you to see his eyes flicker from your elbow to your own gaze, appearing to swallow uncertainly when he realizes you had clocked his attention on you.

‘In which case, can you guys sit down so that we can all join into the conversation?’ comes a grumpy, yet intrigued voice from behind you, and you cant help the smirk that pulls at your lip as you sigh and turn to see Jimin tilting his head cheekily at you all, smiling devilishly before motioning to the sofa behind you.

‘Well…where do we start?’

-----------------------

After a solid hour of talking to everyone, of sharing childhood stories, laughing at lower school antics, and watching as Jungkook and Jimin bickered over who was more ‘Busan’ than the other, the conversation had turned to families, Namjoon first answering your intrigued questions about his parents and sister, before the inquest turned towards you.

‘Well…I live alone with my Father.’ You answer, the sentence seeming blunt even to your own ears, and the quiet that followed told you of the answer that was lingering on all of their tongues before Hoseok even voiced it.

‘What about your mother?’

‘She’s dead.’

God. No matter how many times you said it, it would always sound just as cold and heartbroken as the first time you spoke the words out loud.

‘I’m so sorry, y/n.’

The sentiment echoed from a few others after it first left Namjoon, his grip tightening on your hand out of a want to comfort you and you smile kindly, yet weakly, at him, drawing in a deep steadying breath that you hoped would stop your mind from reeling back through the flood of memories you had of your mother...

...and what life was like before she died.

‘It will be two years this year.’ You explain, glancing around the room at the others and feeling your stomach turn when you see their sympathetic, pitying looks.

‘What happened?’

The way your jaw tightens in response has you questioning just what it was about him that put you so on edge, but when you look up to see Yoongi watching you patiently, his expression free from the same pity as the others, you find yourself beginning to like him despite yourself.

‘The doctor said it was an accidental overdose; she used to suffer a lot with pain in her arms- she’d gone to the doctors for a scan the week before and she was waiting on the results…when they came through the door the day after I found her we found out she had s…-stage 3 cancer- her organs hadn’t been able to hold the quantity of medication she’d taken so when she went to sleep that night she just-…she just didn’t wake up again.’

You don’t recall when you began crying, or when the shaking had begun, its only when the scent of Namjoon is enveloping you and the feel of his tshirt is getting wrapped around your fingers, that you realise what had happened. Hurrying to right yourself, you gently unlock your fingers from the death grip they had on Namjoon, working on breathing evenly and shaking your head slightly to try to stop the stream of tears leaving your eyes, hating yourself for being so weak when you’d been so strong for such a long time.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make everyone depressed.’ You mutter, chuckling at yourself which in turn squeezes a quiet laugh from Namjoon, his eyes being pinned on you when you manage to look up at him, and you find yourself loving him even more when his steady, reassuring gaze is able to fill you with strength once more, the small smile he offers you telling you that he was there…that he always wanted to be there.

‘Sorry for making you so upset, y/n. We’ll change the topic.’ Hoseok explains, smiling reassuringly at you, and you smile shakily back in thanks, quickly swiping beneath your eyes to wipe away any mascara that may have run and, glancing to the spot beside you, you see a shining star come to save you in the form of Jimin pulling a jokingly tense face as he stared back at you, glancing quickly towards the others before leaning over to whisper in your ear.

‘Do you want me to break out the alcohol?’

--------------------

The gentle jostle of soft cotton beneath your cheek forces awareness upon your mind, your eyes steadfastly refusing to allow any light in and so your automatic reaction is to bring your hand up to cover your face, turning your head into the soft material as you do so.

Its with this motion that you become aware of arms cradling you as you seem to float through air, your bemusement at the scenario forcing your eyes open until you could see Namjoon’s delicately sharp jawline just in front of your eyes, the tiniest hint of a 5 o’clock shadow beginning to darken his features. The vision of the wall seeming to move behind him confuses you momentarily, before the light suddenly changes and you immediately recognize the deep hues of his room that you’d memorized the minute you’d stepped into it earlier.

‘Mmmh, whats going on?’ you mumble, closing your eyes once again as you slowly creep your arms up around his neck, smiling cheekily when you settle with your fingers linked so as not to let him escape and you hear him chuckle deeply in response. All motion stills for a moment, the lack of movement almost tempting you to open your eyes again, but its not until you feel his lips press softly to your forehead followed by the cool sheets pressing against your back, being so drastically different to the feel of him cradling you, that you finally peer back up at him, now sporting a frown of disapproval as he attempts to settle you on the bed and retreat.

‘Why did you let me go?’ you question him faux grumpily, pouting in dislike, and watching as he chuckles at the expression, his eyes dancing with amusement in the dull light of his bedside lamp next to you, before he swoops down suddenly to catch your lips with his own, lingering the minute he immerses himself in the act and causing you to smile into the kiss.

An instant need springs within you to not let him go, heart picking up pace hurriedly in your chest as you body begs you for more of him, but your responses are a second too late, as before you can pull him down to join you on the bed, he’s slipping out of your grasp with a cheeky, yet slightly sleepy smile.

A grumble squeezes its way from your chest and you’re about to vocalize your protest, but you’re forced into silence when he’s suddenly pulling his shirt over his head in the corner of the room, and you become fixated on his actions as he strips down to his boxers, the visual of his slim muscles running fluidly just beneath his skin leaving you salivating.

You’re mesmerized as you watch him potter about his room, shuffling some papers on his desk distractedly as he wipes his face with a cleansing wipe, moving to look out of the window thoughtfully for a moment as if he thought you had fallen asleep, and he probably would have continued to assume that, if it wasn’t for your sudden question as you watch him go to get into Jin’s bed across the other side of the room.

‘What are you doing over there?’

He peers towards you with a look of surprise, eyes widened slightly as he sits up and realizes you were indeed still awake.

‘I thought you’d fallen asleep again, I was just getting into bed-‘

‘But, you’re in the wrong bed.’

Your sudden response makes you blush, the obvious want in your voice to have him next to you making you sound needy, but you force yourself to keep your gaze on his, your need to feel him next to you over-ruling any embarrassment.

‘I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.’ He explains, a smirk playing around his lips at your mild outrage, but before you could complain any more at him, he’s standing back up and making his way over to the opposite side of the bed you were in, his apparent confidence whilst knowing you were awake causing your cheeks to heat even more as you turn over toward him, snuggling into the bed as you watch him climb under the covers, peering over at you for a moment before extending his arm above your head in invitation.

You watch him for a moment, considering, suddenly sitting up and shakily removing your dress over your head before you could think about it, dropping it to the floor beside the bed, and shuffling over once more so that you could snuggle into him more comfortable, not making eye contact with him the entire time and therefore missing the way he raises an impressed eyebrow at the move, before his expression slips into a warm, content smile as he wraps his arms around you.

‘I enjoyed this evening.’ You murmur quietly as your brain becomes consumed by trying to mentally describe the feel of his skin beneath your fingertips as you draw patterns on his torso. His light hum vibrates through his chest and into yours, making it feel as though the two of you were truly fused together.

‘I’m glad. I enjoyed this evening too…it was nice being able to share a bit more of my life with you.’ He mutters, ending the sentence by dropping a kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering softly and you cant ignore the overwhelming feeling of contentedness that being wrapped up in him brought, not realizing you had almost fallen asleep until you hear him begin talking again.

‘You know…I never thought I’d ever be this happy before. I was always a little bit skeptical of loving someone else…the whole concept just seemed a little over-zealous to me…

…but now that I have you…I realize its just like breathing; I need you like I need air. …and if that is what it means to love someone-‘

‘I love you, too, Namjoon.’

You’d known it since the first blush that had graced his cheekbones in the coffee shop on the first day you’d met. However, it hadn’t been until he’d begged you to stay beside him before catching the bus home the night before, that you realized you wanted to tell him, the only thing holding you back being your nerves of telling him and making a fool of yourself.

‘Hey, that was meant to be my line.’ He grumbles with a chuckle, the addictive sound making you tilt your head up to look at him, biting your lip in an attempt to hide your smile, before he steals the breath from your lungs with a kiss, his hold tightening on you as he tries to put every ounce of need for you into the act.

‘I love you, y/n.’

-----------------------

NAMJOON

She was so delicate in his arms, his need for her being amplified until it was almost overwhelming, but the voice in his mind that demanded he do everything right stopped him from letting it come to anything more than a kiss and a touch.

Having her laid in his bed with him, the two of you wrapped in your own little world together, was everything he didn’t know he needed. The moment she’d taken off her dress he hadn’t been able to stop himself from running his eyes over her, his breath stopping as the lamplight had glowed against her skin. Before when she’d seemed upset at his attempt to be proper and sleep in a separate bed, he’d had to force his thoughts into check, shaking himself a little as he made his way over to join her, but almost losing it when the electric current that she always ignited within his body made itself apparent the second his skin was in contact with hers.

After their confessions to one another he’d felt the way her whole body had relaxed into him, watched her as the slow circles she’d been drawing on his abdomen had become smaller and smaller until her dainty fingers had folded into themselves and her eyelids had fluttered shut. The sight of her asleep in his arms, uncaring for the rest of the world, so content to lay within his hold, not a dash of fear or apprehension on her face; he could have died there and then and remained the happiest man alive for the rest of time.

He wanted to stay awake all night watching her, committing every detail of her to memory so that even when he was asleep, she’d be all he’d see behind his eyelids. The softness of her skin beneath his fingers as he traces patterns on her shoulders causes his stomach to somersault over and over again, being able to brush her hair back gently behind her ear so that he could see her face in all its ethereal-ness was something he wanted no other man to ever experience, out of jealousy.

However, its as he’s brushing her hair tidily to lay against her back, that he initially catches sight of the grey smudge.

At first he thought it was a flicker of a shadow dancing with the dim lamp light. But after squinting his eyes to see through the darkness, and tilting his head in confusion as his fingers slow their gentle combing of her hair, the first bout of intrusive thoughts flashes through his mind.

No. She probably just hurt herself by accident…maybe she tripped and fell at university.

The bruise drew itself across the back of her ribcage, curling in to hug the empty space between her shoulder blades, tapering off at the edges into a light yellow spattering- signalling that whatever had happened had been a while ago. He couldn’t help but outline the shape with the lightest touch of his fingertips, the somersaulting of his stomach having turned to nausea, and subconsciously he leans his head down so that he can press his lips to the top of her hair, lingering for a while as he tries to dispel the dark thoughts that had infested his mind.

‘Hmmm?’

Her quiet murmur forces his awareness onto how securely he was holding her, his clutch being just that bit tighter than was comfortable, and he immediately loosens his arms, brushing her hair back from her face once again as she readjusts herself into his side, her arm reaching round his torso to hug him just that tiny bit closer to her, before she slackens against his chest once again.

He couldn’t imagine anyone ever hurting such a preciously pure soul, could never think of a situation in which anybody could find it in themselves to raise a hand to the angel tucked into his side in that moment.

…and yet all he could think after the sight of the black mark wrapping around her back was that someone had…

…and if he ever found that person; …he knew he would kill them.

(T.B.C)

#bts #bts fanfiction #bangtan sonyeondan #namjoon bts #namjoon #bts namjoon fanfiction #namjoon fanfiction #namjoon fluff #bts namjoon fluff #namjoon angst #namjoon smut #bts smut #bts kim namjoon #bts kim namjoon fanfiction #kim namjoon #kim namjoon fanfiction #kpop #kpop fanfiction #it consumes me

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lucifermagne · 5 years

Text

♔ Rules.

Banner Credit: [x]

Note: Before you follow this blog (or before you decide to stay), you must be comfortable with the following mentions (images will be tagged should any of this come up, but it is HIGHLY doubtful): cannibalism, drugs, alcohol, death, religion, and nsfw content.

Note: Read my rules & triggers thoroughly ( I will not tolerate hearing that you skimmed them later).

SHIPPING.

✘ Don’t pester me for shipping if we haven’t interacted long enough to even develop a bond past strangers. Satan will only sleep with your muse, but he will not engage in a romantic relationship since he is married.

INTERACTING.

✘ IC =/= OOC and I hold the right to softblock you should you become someone who proves an issue on this subject. As it serves to protect my mental health and my time, understand that I hold this as a right and you do, too, but don’t start drama over it or catch me hearing you are talking bad about me behind my back. I will confront you and it will be a discussion that you will not find pleasing.

✘ I absolutely will NOT interact with fanchildren of ANY given canon set of muses and I ask that all blogs tag the ship of “Chalastor” (Charlie x Alastor), because it upsets me greatly to see it on my dash. I will, however, interact with other children muses in Hell who are their own entity.

✘ Hazbin’s Hell is based on real hell ; however, there are CHANGES in it that are different than what is depicted. As canon in the show is revealed, this will be slowly altered, but for now hell is split into nine circles as per Dante’s Inferno and every circle has its own establishment ; Satan, being the ruler of hell, has morals and it would be appreciated if you did not assume what he’s done.

✘ I will absolutely NOT interact with genderbends/cis!swaps. These blogs will be immediately blocked if they attempt to follow me.

✘ DO NOT HARM WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST! You followed SATAN, you followed a powerful entity, this would be equal to harming something like Zeus or Hades of Greek Mythology ; this is a villain, not a playtime teddy bear, and if you anger him, he will attack your muse (now: my actions in threads will always, ALWAYS, leave room for you to have your muse a chance to escape, dodge, receive MINOR injuries, or to get hurt completely – the choice is yours); however, this does NOT mean yours can suddenly overpower mine in an instant and suddenly have the ability to do what you please! This has become an issue recently where (outside of small, fun sessions of just silliness) muses have been able to seriously hurt or incapacitate my muse without any sort of conversation with me, but if mine does anything minor (ie a small spit at your muse’s face), they are free to do as they please, which is absolutely unacceptable. If you are planning to harm him, then I need conversations to happen or I will rip the interaction to shreds and retcon it from our relationship between muses.

Note: This does not include silly things like whacking him on the head or poking his nose ; this is meant as if your muse intends ACTUAL serious harm on him – outside of an ask meme about the topic.

Note: If this becomes a repeated offense, then I might cease our interactions and/or softblock.

ON CHILDREN/GRANDCHILDREN PLOTS.

✘ Charlie is Satan’s ONLY child (unless there’s a twin au going on between blogs that I am made aware of) ; this is due to Lilith’s history with children and his own preference to have his only daughter who lived with him. She will not have any siblings here, nor will I interact with OCs who attempt to integrate into the Magne family.

✘ I also am not COMFORTABLE with doing any plots that revolve around grandchildren ; if you want to have your Charlie muse have children or randomly adopt kids, it’s your muse and you’re free to do so, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing those kinds of plots – especially if they’re just thrown on to me without discussion first.

BLOG STATUS.

✘ My blog is for the privacy of myself, and if I so choose to not follow you back, then that is mydecision. With that, it’s honestly self-explanatory that this is a highly selective blog; if you follow my blog, I will look at yours and decide if I will follow back.

✘ This blog is mutuals only and I expect you to check before you attempt to speak with me, like my starter calls, or attempt to join in activities I may have planned on the dash; I will do the same as a sign of mutual respect.

✘ Although I push this for roleplaying, sending random asks on anonymous is always welcome when it comes to my muse ; if we are not mutuals, however, this means that the threads will NOT continue after being answered.

SOFTBLOCKING/UNFOLLOWING.

✘ I reserve the right to softblock your blog should you become someone I do not appreciate on my dash any longer. ✘ This includes: constant posts of negatives that are untagged/more frequent than roleplays, drama, actions that are just rude, untagged triggers, or the refusal to tag triggers, racism (you know what that is), ableism (using the r-slur, not tagging your muse’s mentions of it, etc.), large amounts of NSFW images (even if it’s just one day; it’s just really unpleasant and you can do a sin blog for that content to avoid it on your minors’ dashboards), homo/transphobia, spam liking my posts, I find out you name dropped me in a server just to spread a negative opinion of yours about me, etc.

✘ This hasn’t happened yet, but I’ll immediately block you if you refuse to use my pronouns (they/them); I understand mistakes will happen, but you’re no friend of mine if you don’t respect my pronouns…

✘ This list may become longer should I find more reasons.

TRIGGERS.

✘ Tag NSFW and I won’t smut with minors—or anyone—so don’t ask and don’t attempt to try it, because I will immediately block you.

✘✘✘✘For my triggers: family abuse/child abuse, sexual assault/rape (even the word is hard on my psyche), and “Chalastor” (Charlie x Alastor).

if you have a trigger that is not listed as an automatic tag, please message me as well (you may copy and paste it into my ask box or IM it to me at any time! it’s important to know and I can add to my NECESSARY to tag page! I’m very forgetful and I don’t ever want to have anyone suffering for that. I

if I do forget to tag, you can: softblock, outright block, unfollow (though the others are better so you never have to see my url and be reminded), tell me, tell a friend to tell me, tell all of your friends to tell me, anon message me, post a reminder on your blog about your triggers (which I WILL CHECK ON IMMEDIATELY), do whatever it takes for you to feel secure because YOUR BLOG IS YOURS.

Most importantly: take care of yourself first! I will never be angry with you if anything like this should happen, so don’t feel anxiety if you must softblock/block me for triggering you or to feel secure again ; I should have paid attention to your rules!

RESPECT.

✘ Respect me and I will show you respect.

✘ Respect the fact this blog is canon divergent!

✘ Respect other people’s triggers and tag them as best you can! It only takes a few seconds! I understand blood and murder not being tagged (unless specifically asked, but remember that self-harm, racism, ableism, suicide, and other triggers that are heavier are always something you should tag in warning)!

PASSWORD SEND-OFF.

✘ Reading my rules is mandatory. If you don’t read them, then it will be plainly clear to me and I will immediately be forced to block you. A great way to tell if we’re not mutuals on this blog is if I don’t reply to your password sending. As I do not intend to interact with those who are not mutuals, this means: please do not send anymore ic asks/interaction asks; however, you may send anon messages and asks in general but not for ic interaction purposes.

✘ There is no password for this blog, but thank you for reading my rules! You are more than welcome to tell me you have read them in IM or ask, but this is highly unnecessary! I understand if you have anxiety issues and this causes you discomfort!

#♔ ❛ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴡɪɴᴅꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ'ꜱ ᴅᴇꜱᴘᴀɪʀ. ❜ ⊰ OOC.

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theharlequinwriter · 6 years

Text

Guided Arrow ..........part 1

Summary : Being Thea’s twin sister and also part of team arrow when you wake up in the another universe alone and no way home.

warnings : Swear words and PTSD

word count : 2,402

Before I knew it Barry was reaching for my hand and we were falling down a building and then well I don’t really know all I saw was white and when I woke up I was one the side of the road soaking wet and clearly not in star city anymore.

‘’Ollie!!......Speedy......BARRY!!!!.’’

No one answered.

‘’what the fuck happened?’’

Pulling my hood back I put my mask in my pocket and threw my bow over my back and started to walk sticking my thumb out every other foot. Finally reaching a nearby diner I asked for a booth and a cup of coffee while I pulled out all my gadgets trying to find Felicity’s or Barry's voice trying to find me.

‘’you look like you’re lost’’

Darting my head up I saw a man with blue eyes, black hair and oddly a trench coat.

‘’you can say I am in a way.’’

I winked at him as his very handsome friends walked over.

‘’Cas what the hell are you doing?’’

‘’Talking to miss.... I’m sorry I didn’t get your name.’’

‘’y/n Queen’’

‘Names Sam and Dean Winchester’’

The taller one with the long hair stuck out his hand towards me, grabbing his hand I could feel the caclus on his palm from oddly enough....a gun.

‘’So, Cas said you’re lost?’’

Dean asked as he shuffled into my booth.... uninvited.

‘’Yeah, I guess, the last thing I remember is reaching for flash.......my friends hand as I fell then everything went black. I woke up on the side of the road and made my way here.’’

‘’Well we can help you find your way back if you like.’

‘’YES, thank you.’’

Walking outside dean helped me into the car and we were off to their house or what they called their bunker. Once inside i made my way to their version of the quiver. Setting my arrows and hood on the couch began to scan their place. Clearly they really are brothers, not sure on Cas thou.. Possibly dean's boyfriend? not by the way dean watched my ass get into the car. Walking around I found their library full of supernatural information.

‘Where were you guys when darhk was around?’’

Dean came into the room with 4 beers. Handing one to me as Sam sat down and opened his laptop.

‘’So, let's start with your hometown or where you were last.’’

‘’Star city.’’

I watched as Sam typed it into his keyboard and his eyes going wide.

‘’uhm y/n that city doesn’t exist at least not that google knows.’’

‘'w-W-W WHAT DO YOU MEAN DOESN’T EXSIT I WAS JUST THERE!!!’’

‘’Google says nothing found for a Star city.’’

‘’MY WHOLE LIFE IS THERE, MY BROTHER, MY TWIN SISTER, MY NEPHEW! MY BESTFRIENDS MY FAMILY GOD DAMN IT!!!’’

I threw the beer onto the floor.

‘’’listen y/n lets google your family maybe they will come up, you did say your sister in law was a hacker maybe she's hiding the results.’’

‘Okay my Sibling are Oliver and Thea Queen, my best friend is Iris West Allen, Her husband is Barry Allen.’’

Dean looked up at me

‘’You're Brother and best friend are named after comic books?’’

‘NO?’’

Sam ran to the other room carrying back a few plastic covered comic books with the titles. GREEN ARROW and the other THE FLASH. I felt my head going dizzy and everything went black. When i came too I was lying on a couch, I could hear Sam and dean talking.

‘’Maybe she escaped the looney bin.’’

‘’maybe she hit her head harder than she thought.’’

‘’OR THE HOT CHICK IS CRAZY!’’

I made a coughing noise as I walked into the room.

‘Come sit, I'm going to blow your minds.’

We all headed in the war room and sat down.

‘’So, my name is Y/n Queen, my brother is Oliver Queen and Yes he is the Green Arrow, My sister and I are quickdraw and speedy. My Best friend is the wife of the flash, we discovered other worlds or dimensions a long time ago. I'm guessing that’s where I am in a world where I'm nothing more than words on a page.’’

Both Winchesters sat there with their mouths gaping.

‘’So, you're like a real super hero?’’

‘’I guess so, Ollie more is than me, I'm just backup.’’

‘And how did you get here?’’

‘Cisco must have breached me right as I grabbed Barry sending me flying through a breach, although this would be a far new distance for him....I'm happy i made it.’’

‘’Breach?’’

‘’’Rips or portals into other worlds.’’

‘’I need some air.’’

Dean stepped out of the room leaving me, Sam and Cas alone.

‘So, are their angels in your world?’

‘’not that im aware of cas , We have the league of shadows . My brother married their leader, We do have magic buts its really bad.’’

‘’Magics bad here too but more of like hocus pocus and hexes.’’

‘’so, no vigilantes?’’

‘’Not that I know of, I mean we are hunters if that counts.’’

‘’it’ll do.’’

Sam smiled as dean walked into the room.

‘’can i shoot an arrow?’’

‘’Sure dean.’’

We went outside where I let dean have 2 arrows to shoot, he missed both times. Taking my aim, I shot to perfect straight into the apple Sam had placed on the car.

‘’How did you learn to do that?’’

‘’My brother, after slade …. I mean Death Stroke killed my mom, Ollie never wanted me and Thea to be unsafe again and after i busted him on being arrow and dig being spartan....Sorry Dig is my brothers right hand man. He welcomed me to the team as quickdraw due to the fact im a quick shot.’’

‘’wow.... you been through it.’’

‘’ oh, I got stories that would make your mind implode. Ive met a alien well a kryptonian .’’

‘’YOU FUCKIN MET SUPERMAN!!!!’

Dean was shouting now

‘’Well yeah but I meant his cousin Supergirl, she like my pen pal.’’

‘’ So I guess you're staying here till you can get home.’’

‘Thank you, Sam.,’’

Later that night

Laying here in this strange bed in a whole other world completely alone.... alone, the one thing I fear was to be alone. I got up and headed for the library at least it has a good book maybe they will have a new series I can love. Stepping into the library I found Sam researching through a bunch of lore.

‘’Is he real?’’

Sam pointed at a comic with a man named Spiderman.

‘’maybe but not in my world or at least hasn’t made himself known.’’

He nodded to the chair next to him. Sliding into it he handed me a piece of candy.

‘’can't sleep?’’

‘’no im on earth 1 time’’

‘Earth 1?’

‘Well since I knew that one first that’s earth 1 , Supergirl is from earth 3 and I making this earth 4.’’

‘’thanks?’’

‘’So What do you like to do for fun here?’’

‘'Don’t really have time , the hunt never stops , I've actually been to hell , met lucifer and god oh and I Lost my soul and met Gods sister and died a thousand times , so has Dean and Cas.’

I could see the pain welling in his eyes, he was tired.

‘’Sounds likes my brother hehe Hes been through it for 5 years I thought he was dead and then poof he wasn’t, but he wasn’t ollie. He had scars and tattoo, spoke Russian and was very odd. He ended up letting his anger go and now we are happy again even for a moment, But your right lives like ours it only ends in death.’’

Sam laughed as he handed me a beer from the mini frige.

‘’Thats why we gotta go down swinging.’’

‘’Cheers to that.’

Tinking the beers together we continued to exchanged stories and advice. Sam made me feel safe like my life wasn't guns and masks and his wasn’t demons and vampires.

‘’Hi sam , Whose this.... she isnt from here.’’

I screamed as a young man with blonde air appeared out of nowhere.

‘’ y/ n this is jack.....lucifer's son.’’

‘’HOLY SHIT....i mean hi, im sorry im not used to people appearing like that unless they plan to kill me.’’

‘’I think its my fault you’re here.’'

‘’Jack what do you mean its your fault?’’

Before he answered he was gone.

‘’he does this when he is upset and feels guilty, he runs.’’

‘’poor guy.’’

‘Well he is only 5 months old.’’

‘’yeah well …..wait what?’’

‘’he aged in order to survive.’’

‘’oh...so are you completely human?’’

‘’yeah I mgiht be missing a bit of my soul here and there.’’

Sam smiled at his own remark, we headed into the library to research anything on other worlds. 3 hours and 5 cups of coffee each later neither Sam or I found anything besides that I may be stuck here forever. Sam already promised I have a home with them here and I will never be alone as long as hes around. I couldn’t help but notice how warm and safe I feel around him.

I woke up to the feeling of someone breathing, as I opened my eyes I found myself on sams chest cluctching a book on demi gods while sam had one arm wrapped around me and they other on a book on greek gods. We must of fallen asleep on the couch studying , he looks so happy when hes asleep like he isnt living a hard life everyday. Before I could take in anymore of the moment dean came busting into the room causing sam to jump shoving me to the floor.

‘Jacks back’

We all ran to the den where jack sat on the couch clutching his head in his hands. I walked over placing my hand on his shoulder.

‘are you okay?’’

‘im sorry’’

‘’for what....bringing me here. Ive been through worse trust me.’

He looked at me with his bloodshot eyes and buried his head into my chest hugging me tightly. He was still sobbing but at least now he knew I didn’t blame him.

‘so nothing from jack yet?’’

It has been almost 3 weeks since I arrived here , Cas has been working with jack to see if maybe he can re open the rip to send me home. I offered to ask barry and iris to help jack understand himself better, run some test and see what he can and cant handle. Then there's sam , we have gotten really close since I arrived late night studying and him teaching me how to put up warding's and devils traps. I even promised him id get the anti-possession tattoo once im home. Sitting in the den reading the local paper scanning for any sign of supernatural creatures.

‘hey y’n’’

Sam came into the room handing me a cup of coffee and sitting next to me , smiling at me god I love it when he smiles. Snapping out of my trance I had to nod and try to catch up.

‘so jack thinks if we can find a dream walker we can send you home.’

‘’where do we find one of these dream walkers’’

‘’well that’s the thing we only knew one and shes dead but jack thinks he has a lead on another in ohio, him and dean went to check it out . Cas heard of one in California so he went out that way , that just leaves us.’’

Falling into the chair in the library I picked up a comic with the title green arrow looking at the way they drew my brother.

‘’ollie doesn’t have a beard ‘’

Sam chuckled.

‘’what?’’

‘’just how you call him ollie makes him seem like he isnt in a comic book in our world.’’

‘’this should be so odd to you I mean look what I found.’’

I held up a anime comic named supernatural starring sam and dean.

‘'that was written by god , not by a geek in a basement.’’

‘’ so whats sam / dean?’’

‘’how did you hear about that?’’

‘’im a vigilante , if I want info I get it.’’

‘’its nothing , its gross.’’

‘’so am I in one of these books or do I not matter?’’

‘’they stopped being made after dean went to hell , cas is isnt in them either..... but you matter to me ‘

Looking up sam was starring at me with a small smirk on his lips. Shaking his head I could see him searching the room in a painc.

‘’you said something about food and a movie?’

‘uhh yea set up in the tv room I got burgers and venom’’

About halfway into the movie sam got up to leave the room, wondering what was up I decide to follow him into the kitchen , sam was pacing the room on the phone.

‘’what do you mean she was a phony? , y/n is going to be heart broken.’’

‘’yeah I know dean but I do care for her ...of course id love to be with her........dean she has a family and a life....we weren't ever supposed to meet.’’

He hung up his phone turning towards me.

‘’y/n......uhm’’

Without thought I moved forward crashing my lps into his pulling him closer by is plaid collar , his fands found my hips lifting me onto my tip toes pulling me into him. Taking a step back I looked up at him feeling the blood rush to my face when dean came rushing in.

‘hey robin hood we might need your help.’’

Climbing into the impala we drove to a empty house where three bodies laid on the porch and woman with short hair came forward extending her hand.

‘’names Jody , dean here tells me your one of us.’’

Nodding I looked at dean.

‘why do you need me here?’’

‘’because this guy here says hes from star city’’

Stepping into the door, a man with his hands and feet tied laid on the floor with a bag on his head, reaching out i lifted the bag to revel cold dead eyes and a buzz cut along with the smile of the devil and his body covered in tattoos.

‘’d-d—d—d-d- dia'’

‘’hello y/n , Miss me baby doll ?’’

#Supernatural imagines #supernatural #sam winchester #sammy #winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester imagine #sam winchester oneshot #green arrow #oliver queen #thea queen #speedy #littlebrothersammyimagines

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thyrideneverends · 4 years

Text

(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

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Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

____________________________________________

Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

_____________________________________________

You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different? But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

_____________________________________________

Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

______________________________________________

We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

________________________________________________

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tedfashionski · 4 years

Text

Finking, Finking.

Hi, welcome to my ted talk. (That is the only time I will ever make that joke. This is Fashionski Finks. Expect radically low standards of self-involved rantiness with zero research or accountability from here on out). For a while there I seriously thought that the covid-19 quarantine was going to result in people being increasingly placid and accepting of creeping extensions of the police state. But here I am, getting depressed again, not about the protests, which I love, but more about my relationship to in-group pressure dynamics. One of the problems with being a relentless contrarian is the discomfort of my impulse to rebel against groups even when they’re championing the right thing. I have to find my own way to fight against the system as an outsider. No gods, no masters, no fucking peer pressure. I’ll never be happy joining a chorus line. I don’t sign fucking petitions (they’re just lists for the NSA). I do donate, but like fuck will I do it performatively. I can’t go to protests cus I get panic attacky in crowds. I empathise pretty strongly with outsiders of all stripes but believe ridiculously excessively in the public good of criticism, and have a nostalgic love of trolling (I like to think I’m gentle with it though). Bring back the troll! We need that fucker, he’s a sign of a healthy internet. I’m writing this blog thing as an extension of my need to vent my extreme negativity. TBH I never expected to get any followers with ted twitter and the bizarre welcomingness of the hf twitter community totally wrongfooted me. I’m not nice. Ted isn’t meant to likable. He’s my dark side. I was meant to be using this alt as a way to terrorise the nice nice (secretly cruel) fashion people. I’m gunna try and up that aspect more. Just bear in mind, my complaints are largely about the system, but if I see you perpetuating fashion’s entrenched anti-intellectualism or its insidery bullshit, I’ll come for you with a little meta-bomb with your name on it. Maintaining my misanthropic tone does take work tho, like, deep down in some twisted part of my psyche, I guess I do actually want to be liked. It’s fucked up.

I suppose it’s only fair to explain this Ted fursona. Like, new concept, who dis? Why all the furry porn? …..because I just think it’s hilarious. Every time I think about the furries I cackle (not at them, mind). I just love the mad corruption of pure Disney aesthetics into hardcore pornography. That’s anti-authoritarian as fuck. I love the sincerity of their culture. The way the crazy fetish aspect means they’ll never be fully blandified by mainstream acceptance. The way it’s so cringe but so delightful. And more seriously, I’m interested in how a culture of mostly gay male nerds developed to the point where they’ll invest 10k in custom fursuits and support eachother’s independent businesses in ways that the fashion community completely fails to do. The fashion world sucks. There’s so many correlations there that I want to investigate: the newness (furries date from around the 70s, fashion culture in its self-aware state dates from the late 19th C – both very young fields); the centralisation/decentralisation; the hierarchy (furries can be pretty catty, I have discovered in my research, and we all know what fashion people are like); the adoption of new identities; the cis-boy gayness aspect (I’m increasingly tired of the extreme nasty hierarchy of certain CSM queens. It’s all very UGH. Just, fuck those particular bitches.) There’s more to the furry love, but I’ll explore it in future posts.

More importantly, why Ted fucking Kaczynski? I’m not like, actually a terrorist. (….yet. tehehe. NO, seriously I like non-maiming violence. Fuck yeah to property damage. Fuck yeah to disabling the system in extreme way. But no to wooden IEDs. Think of my shitty jokes that fail to land as my hand-crafted bombs). I think I like the shitness of Ted. He was just an epic fail of a terrorist. I’m a little white girl living in London. I’m not actually a primitivist, as much as I crave a hut in the woods. I did go to an elite school though. I had some really shitty experiences in the fashion industry in my early 20s, and I watch my friends who are relatively successful in that system and I get so angry on their behalf at their poor treatment. They think I’m too angry. Fuck that. They should be more angry, and the fact that they can’t be angry at their extreme precarity and the fact they’re still insecure and terrified of being ejected by the system after all their investment and skills they’ve built up is BULLSHIT. I’ll be double angry for them, I’m not invested in that system. I don’t need it to pay my rent. I’m free, motherfuckers, and I’m coming for the abusers and exploiters. If you’re a complacent industry figure not fighting hard from within, uggghhhhh fuck you. Yes, YOU. Soooo, I relate pretty hard to the MK ultra stuff. (go look him up, he was basically tortured and experimented upon by the elite). But there’s a pretty big chasm between my views and his, and I’ll try to be clear about the extent of my interest in his extreme beliefs. I haven’t even finished reading the manifesto. Basically, I watched that shitty show on Netflix with sam worthington around the same time I watched Joker (that movie fucked me up) and thought it’d be a good outlet to larp online as a terrorist. There’s the angry white alt-right school shooter aspect, which I’m still figuring out, cus I’m non-binary and I was raised by nutso trumpy right-wingers, who I barely speak to anymore, and I struggle to get along with people generally. There’s sad, self-pitying rage here. I empathise with the angry white dudes too much. I feel guilty about it. That’s good ground for artmaking (yes, shamefully, this…is…art. Sorry). I modelled this fursona a little after my brother, who I spent years living with and arguing with and trying to lift out of his scary racist youtube rabbit holes. This is actually quite an emotional thing for me, cus I did the ‘talk to your fascist family’ thing. And I completely failed. I realised his right-winginess wasn’t lessening, I wasn’t gaining ground, and in fact my excessive empathy and desire to reach out to the relative most similar to me in character meant his extremism was rubbing off on me. Making me more resentful and depressed. Feeling powerless. I was being too kind-hearted and forgiving of his masculine impotence. So I’m exploring some personal shit here. But Ted is also a cute lil fuzzball teddy bear. He means well, but me being super autistic and faily at social skills means he’s kind of a dick, cus I am. I’m going to try and further develop this character, this POV, and this post is the only time I’ll explain the divide between him and his creator (moi). The ‘I’ on the twitter and here is Ted Fashionski, I need that space between me and him. Masks give us this freedom to be more ourselves. Internet culture has lost a lot of its wild brutal anonymity in the last decade or so, now everyone’s afraid of making mistakes. How the hell do you grow if you’re not allowed to fuck up? This is a vital outlet. He’s become an important part of my life and I have to say, I love being Ted Fashionski. He’s like Paddington Bear who just escaped form Guantanamo or something.

I get pretty fatigued as a matter of course. I’m a long-term depressive since childhood. I have a difficult time keeping my hard-on for living. I don’t get suicidal really but I do struggle with extreme fatigue. I sleep a lot. I often fall into spirals of self-hate. And as someone who utterly believes in revolutionary leftist politics, I beat myself up about not doing enough. I’m so middle class and english and white. I was raised in such a chauvinistic and complacent culture; I don’t even know where to start. I’m wading my way through post-colonial literature and beating myself up for finding it boring and uncomfortable. It’s hard to force yourself to acknowledge your culture is The Bad Guys. It’s easier to fall into fanstasies of supremacy and butthurt misunderstoodness. And it’s not like my depressive brain needs any encouragement to hate me. My trajectory is ever leftwards, but I remember the righteous fury of being right-wing. I get it, that was me. We need more paths back from fascism, more comprehension of why people are that kind of shitty. I talk less, and less well, the more depressed I am. If I’m talking, it means im feeling a lot better. Just, fyi.

Give me a minute to be critical here. With the George Floyd protests, a lot of the cool guys on fashion twitter has gone blazingly hardcore on the political side. But there’s this troubling rhetoric about ‘no return to normal content’ or ‘this isn’t the time for fashion’. Like fuck it isn’t. This is a key problem with fashion culture right here, we have this received perception of fashion as empty escapism. Escapism matters in fashion, yes. But seriously, talking about the surfaces of things does not equal not caring about deeper meaning. What the fuck. Clothes are a connective tissue, a membrane between us. They’re emotional and powerful. We can talk about things that matter THROUGH clothes. I speak fashion, pretty fucking well. Most people who work at fashion magazines are morons with no understanding or respect for their subject. They’re incapable of doing it justice, and that’s deliberate. On this tumblr you’ll see rants and reviews of fashion and other artforms, always interpreting through a fashion lens. cus it matters, cus it’s a vital part of the culture, cus just because something has a glittery, seductive surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t communicate or contain depth. There’s no going back to ‘normal fashion content’, yes. Normal fashion content is a fucking psyop to divert legitimate interest in aesthetics amongst largely non-academic dyslexic visual types away from careful thought/feeling and towards empty consumerist commericiality. The traditional fashion media wants you to express yourself and your interest in the zeitgeist through buying more shit. Another fashion world is possible. Let’s destroy the old and build a new one, one where surface and spirit are connected and true and fashion can’t be abused in service of evil industrial monopolists.

/end rant. TLDR: angry fictional teddy bear with tin-foil hat and an eco-anarchist fetish says no to stupid fashion and yes to the renewal of conceptual fashion. Also, Fuck White People.

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sucaritra · 7 years

Text

Bāṛi - Chapter 14

Word Count: 1766

Warnings: language, anxiety, Negan

Summary: what the hell was that bang?

A/N: we’ve finally moved and slowly getting settled in so updates shouldnt take so long now. also, it’d be nice to hear from some of you cause i tend not to get comments on here, let me know how im doing or youre still reading xo

Masterlist

“James is out there. You think he's caught up in that?” you’re very aware of the increased thudding of your heart as your eyes refuse to stray from the thick plume of smoke in the distance.

As soon as Negan was positive that there was no immediate threat or danger, he’d left the boudoir with nothing more than an order to all the wives and yourself to stay put. You barely registered his exit as your mind turned a million miles a minute trying to come up with a plausible motive behind the explosion.

“He's a survivor, I’m sure he's fine,” Kira’s words did little to calm your nerves, though her comforting hand on your shoulder was a nice touch. “Besides, even if he is caught up in that, you never know, he might’ve been the one to set it to distract some walkers or some other threat. You never know.”

You didn't think of that. It was a tactic you’d used yourself in the past whenever you had found yourself trapped by the dead with no escape. Sure, you’d never caused massive explosions to distract the rotting hordes, but you didn't have the supplies that the Sanctuary and it’s Saviors had. Maybe this was a particularly large horde that needed maneuvering away from the Sanctuary?

“That's not a bad idea, but it is wrong.”

The sudden, distinctly male voice in the room full of women was enough to bring your guard up and immediately tear your gaze away from the window, only to land on Mason. He smiles warmly at you before his attention is drawn back to a slightly offended Kira.

“And how do you know that? Hmm?”

Mason slowly makes his way towards you as he replies, “because, he and the rest of his crew have no business being anywhere near whatever the hell that was.” Once he was standing in front of you, Mason turned you back around to face the window, reaching around you and pointing in the opposite direction of the fiery mess. “There. That's where they went scavenging. I organised their route myself. They're nowhere near it.”

The relieved sigh that escaped your lips caused Mason to squeeze your arm in reassurance as you smiled up at him, wholly grateful towards him for lifting the suffocating weight from your shoulders.

“Not that it’s not nice to see you, but what are you doing up here?”

“Negan sent me up here to watch over you ladies, make sure nothing big goes down.”

“You mean bigger than a giant explosion that rocks the entire building and can be seen for miles?” you can't help but raise your eyebrow at him, slightly incredulous.

Huffing out a laugh as he shakes his head, Mason concedes your point, “alright, little Miss Snark, what do you ladies do to pass the time around here?”

You shrug your shoulders, not bothering to tell him that this was your first time in here, before turning towards the closest wife, who just so happened to be Tanya.

“Well, usually we've got Negan to bounce on to pass the time, but that probably won't work now.”

“No, probably not.” You couldn't help but grimace slightly at that lovely image in your head now.

“Uhm… I think we've got some cards around here somewhere?”

With Mason watching his girls, Negan could direct all of his attention on the fucking shitshow that decided to interrupt his dinner. He stood out on the balcony of the first floor, giving his Saviors time to gather in the games room down on the ground floor. No matter where he turned his head, the opaque column of smoke always lingered in his peripheral, seemingly a constant in the scenery surrounding the Sanctuary,

Negan’s gloved hand clenched around Lucille at the sound of heavy footsteps coming up behind him, only to relax seconds later as he recognised Simon’s gait.

“Everyone’s ready boss.”

With one last long look at the blemish in the distance, Negan turned on his heel and made his way inside to address his people.

The plan was simple, they’d done this many times before. The explosion was a clear sign of survivors, how many, he didn't know. As with the discovery of survivors in the past, Negan will send out a group of Saviors to locate the group and “recruit” them to join the network of employees providing for the Sanctuary. If there are refusals to bend the knee, then some sorry fucker’s brain matter painting the ground should do the trick. If the stupid fucks still refuse, well, then Negan gets to have his fun.

Once the crews chosen to venture out and hunt down the culprits of the eyesore had been briefed and sent on their way, Negan decided to head back upstairs where he can wait for news on the expedition in the comfort of his wives.

And future wife.

Entering the boudoir, Negan spots his wives, minus Sherry and Amber, sat around a table with Mason playing cards. You watch as he searches the room for the other two wives, quickly taking notice of them through the open bedroom door before his sight finally lands on you lazing on the chaise lounge. You scooch over and make room for him as he makes his way towards you and drops down next to you with a heavy sigh.

You know it’s going to be a long night for your leader, so you sit in comfortable silence, leaning ever so slightly against his arm and watch the highly competitive game of Go Fish taking place in front of you.

“Last we heard from ‘em was four hours ago.”

“They would've been close to the source back then. No communication for four hours is not a good sign.”

“Well, shit, Einstein, ya fucking think?!”

Negan’s smartass retort to Fat Joey was enough to rouse you from your sleep, though you kept your eyes closed as you registered Simon getting the discussion back on track.

“We’ve probably got another Alexandria situation, thinking they can kill us off and it’ll all be fine and dandy.”

“If that's the case, then another big show should put things right.” You weren't sure exactly what ‘big show’ Mason was referencing, though you could guess it would be something you'd rather be ignorant of.

“Taking that many men would leave the Sanctuary vulnerable. Luke’s crew are most likely walker chow at this point and taking the amount of men you're suggesting will leave this place virtually defenceless.” the obvious challenge in Simon’s voice would've been enough to show the shock on your face if you weren't being a sneaky little eavesdropper right then.

“I’ll stay behind. If so much as a scratch befalls the Sanctuary then Negan can take it out on me. Hell, he can demote me if he wants but nothing’s gonna happen. All of the communities are, for once, in line. And it’s not like we haven't left the Sanctuary like this before, we always come back to her. You need to relax Simon, the stress is showing on that pushbroom you call a ‘stache.”

“Alright, ladies, put the claws away. These pyro-fucking-maniacs clearly need to be shown who the big dicks are around these parts. Mason, you're in charge while we're gone. I want updates at the top of every hour through the long range talkies. I couldn't give two shits about anyone below this floor, but if I hear there was anyone up here that shouldn't be? Well, getting demoted will be the least of your fucking worries.”

The clear threat brought goosebumps to your skin. Through his charming grins and carefree attitude, it’s easy to forget the brutality that's contained within Negan, the savagery which establishes Negan’s position as leader of the Saviors.

“Right, get the fuck out of here. We leave in twenty.” waiting until the door was closed behind his men, you're slightly mortified to find Negan addressing you, running a gentle hand over your hair, “So, what should I do with sneaky little eavesdroppers?”

Opening your eyes, you find that you're still on the lounge, though now you're leaning heavily on Negan’s arm where you undoubtedly fell asleep. Feeling somewhat chastened, you smile sheepishly and mumbled an apology as you lift yourself off of him.

Negan’s signature smile tells you that there are no hard feelings, though you feel your heart drop to your stomach when his heartbreaking smile is quick to vanish, replaced by a more serious expression. Reaching for your hand, he gives it a light squeeze as he looks you straight in the eyes.

“You still have that knife I gave you?” at your nod, he asks, “you got it on you?”

“I left it in my backpack, I didn't think I’d be allow to carry it.”

“As soon as you get a chance, you're gonna go get it and come straight back up here. Don't let anyone see that you've got it.”

“I don't understand. You think something will happen while you're gone?” You figured Simon was just being paranoid, making sure all bases were covered, but Negan was really starting to scare you.

“No. But I’m not willing to take that chance. I wouldn't be where I am today if I disregarded shit like that.”

“Okay, I’ll be careful.” You watched him carefully as he relaxed at your words, before softly uttering, “Come back soon, yeah? This place feels a lot safer with you here, surprisingly, and you've got me all paranoid now.”

“Baby girl, I’ll be back before you fucking know it. I've still gotta make you mine.” There's that killer smile of his that manages to bring heat to your cheeks and make you try your hardest, and fail, to not smile back.

“If you had mentioned how good the food was up here back when you first proposed, you might be speaking to wife number six right now rather than just your secretary.”

“Oh, sweet girl, you're not just anything. You are so much fucking more.”

Before he could elaborate any further, a voice crackling through the walkie signaled that it was time for Negan and his men to leave.

After taking in your features for a few seconds more, Negan rose from his seat, grabbing his jacket and Lucille.

You watched in slight awe as he wore his cocksure leader personality in tandem with his jacket, gripping Lucille tight and heading for the door.

Throwing one last cheeky wink your way, you watched Negan leave to unquestionably bash in a couple of skulls, recruiting more worker bees in the process.

tagging: @neganisking @backseat-negan @jdms-network

#negan #negan x reader #negan fanfiction #negan x you #Jeffrey Dean Morgan #JDM #twd fanfiction #jdm fanfiction

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