Here’s some positivity for identity-less headmates!

For many system members, having a solid or even partial sense of self can feel nearly impossible. Whether traits and interests fail to stick, dissociation-related issues complicate the process of forging an identity, or anything else causes difficulties with having an identity, many headmates may find that they can’t or don’t want to have much of an identity at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! And this post is for those headmates with little to no sense of identity!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates without names, who can’t ever settle on a name, or who have a name that they really don’t like, connect, or identify with!

☁️ Shoutout to headmates who struggle to find hobbies and interests that hold their attention!

💨 Shoutout to headmates without passions, who often feel empty, unmotivated, or uninspired!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates who desperately want a more rounded out identity, but who haven’t been able to learn anything about themselves!

☁️ Shoutout to headmates whose trauma history has left them feeling like they have no identity or sense of self!

💨 Shoutout to headmates who have no appearance or physical characteristics!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates who are void, mist, fog, static, or whose identities are grounded in the fact that they have no identity!

☁️ Shoutout to headmates who are content with having no identity or sense of self!

💨 Shoutout to headmates who mask as other system members or others outside their system in order to give themselves temporary identities!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates who are symptom holders for dissociation, or for whom dissociation is so bad that they just don’t have an identity at all!

While not having an identity at all may feel confusing, frightening, or disheartening, we want to let you know that it’s okay to just exist as you are. You don’t have to have a well-rounded, steady sense of self in order to be loved, cherished, and cared for! You are a valid and important member of your system just the way you are, and you don’t have to change or adopt any sort of identity in order to be deserving of kindness and respect!

We truly hope you can find that kindness from the headmates in your system and others around you, and can in turn show that kindness to yourself! Know that it’s okay to not want any sort of identity, this doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a member of your system! And if you do wish your identity was more solid, we have full faith that you will be able to achieve this in the future. We hope you can take care of yourselves, and have a great day!

Angel Ploetner, Who Am I? Dissociative Identity Disorder Survivor / Anupama Krishnan, Misplaced Mind / Alexandra Levasseur, Body of Land / William Goldman, The Princess Bride / Sarah J. Maas, The Assassin and the Underworld / Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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Prompt #1,423

"I don't know who I am," they admitted, voice barely held together enough to keep from cracking. "Do... do you know? Can you tell me?"

Plural culture is instantly doubting your own identity whenever you're talking to someone who knows you're a system & they give you The Confused Look™️

'Wait, am I being weird right now, or is someone else being weird, or is someone influencing me enough that it looks like I am being weird but really I'm not being weird I'm just being myself-... WHO THE F*CK AM I ANYWAY ?!'

— Kita, host/caretaker

I keep thinking about two lines from two pieces of media I like. They’re said in different tones and in way different contexts, but they fit together for me so strongly:

“But I’m not a girl. I’m a shark!” - Nimona from the movie “Nimona”

“It would make it harder for me to pretend not to be a person.” - Murderbot from “Artificial Condition”

Nimona is a shapeshifter. She can turn into anything she wants and she does it instinctively, effortlessly. She claims over and over that she’s not a girl or a boy or anything for long. She’s Nimona. And that’s what she says when people ask what she is. I desperately want that freedom. That fluidity of my body. The ability to look however I want and change it save for one or two key features.

Murderbot is a construct comprised of robotic parts and artificially grown tissue. It’s sexless and genderless and has expressed distain at being forced into human categories regarding either of those things. It’s severely autistic coded and thinks humans are dumb and it doesn’t *want* to be a person. Not in the way humans want to. It hates being perceived more than anything. I don’t want people to look at me or notice my existence. I don’t want to be a person either. I want to be a masked construct, just out of the perception of others and not really thought of as a being.

I’m going through some sort of identity and gender crisis and I’m not sure if I’m a girl. And all I can think of are these two characters who emphatically don’t want to be what people say they are and think they are. I want to be like them. And it’s confusing because there are feminine things I love and I’ve been a girl for so long that I don’t really know anything else. And I’m a scientist; I need data to compare to and I have nothing. I just keep going back to these two characters, wishing I was either of them. Not really a girl. Not a boy either. Just me, whoever the hell that is.

Alters: Who Am I?

Oftentimes with DID/OSDD, it can be difficult to tell who you are. Our system kind of has a list of questions we go through, and I thought I might post them to see if anyone else finds them useful. I’ve added some too.

Do I have an accent/speak a different language? If so, what kind?

What gender feeling do I have (masculine, feminine, androgynous)?

What pronouns do I use?

What age do I feel like (adult, middle, little)?

Am I an extrovert or introvert?

What main emotion am I feeling or goal do I have?

What music do I like?

What’s my favorite color?

How long/what style of hair do I have in innerworld?

Do I feel shorter, taller, or around the same height as the body?

Do I have any pseudomemories? If so, what are they?

Do I seem more like an ANP or EP?

Do I feel non-human in any way? If so, what do I feel about me is not human (wings, horns, etc.)?

What hand do I write with easier?

Do I need glasses?

Am I having any functioning issues (motor, vocal, etc.)?

[Insert things specific to one or a few alters in your system that others don’t experience or do.]

Please feel free to add on with other questions you might use to help yourself distinguish who you are, as this is not an exhaustive list!

I've been super aware of switches and who's fronting lately. I can recognize who's voice is whos, various memories and feelings and body language. I can even almost pinpoint how people talk based on where in my throat or chest they're using my bodys voice

Its taken me probably about 2 years to get to this point and its taken documentation, constant asking myself questions and so much patience

These questions include

Who am i

What names do i resonate with

What do i look like inside

Where am i from

What do i remember

What is familiar about where im at, and have i fronted here yet(often asked at work or in my current home)

How do i know the people around me

Do i particularly like or dislike something

What are my base emotions (alters cant be boiled down to singular emotions necessarily but some tend to experience one more than others and it can help section them off)

How old are they

How many are there

Can they speak or are they semi-verbal, mute, or do they talk in ways that arent words(some use music or animal noises or just communicate telepathically)

There are loads of other questions and its not like i go through the entire list every time but things like this have helped me figure out a lot more about my system. It's about who affects what, what triggers who, and how everyone navigates the world and why.

This may not work for everyone but im hoping this resource may help someone

I want to dye my hair a crazy color, want to get like ten piercings again, wanna get more tattoos, get a new wardrobe, new shoes, a new cute bag, phone case, a manicure, new makeup products & style etc. I want to glow up. this isn't even my final form

I'm hardly gonna judge for it, but it's fascinating how over time, more parts decided they like being called ‘it’ as a pronoun. It's kinda funny, even. Maybe it's because of how foster care intentionally dehumanized us so much. Maybe it's how people also call cats ‘it’, and we feel special kinship with them because they were kinder than humans a lot of the time. Or maybe think of it like this: “It's a creature.” “It's real, really there.” “It's just trying to live and prosper.” “All it wants is to be happy and loved, like anyone else.”

Hell, even I like using it as a pronoun now. I like being referred to as ‘it’, in a “fuck you I'm owning this shit now” kinda way. I know some parts still get awkward, but it's a blend of gender euphoria and just quite seriously enjoying it as a matter of spite.

At the same time, because of the main use of the word ‘it’, I also feel less compelled to act like a proper ‘person’ at all times. Humans are still just silly adorable animals that developed enough curiosity and self-awareness to ask the really big questions about life (fun fact: sometimes the questions are more important than the answers). Calling myself it also reminds me that I'm here and as real as anyone or anything else.

In private, we do strange things. Sometimes we entirely hang traditional ideas of human identity up at the bedroom door. We're human as a matter of biology, and that's enough for us.

I hate when people are obsessed with what it means to be human, as if the experience alone isn't the only set meaning, and the rest is up to us to decide. Because the meaning of our individual lives is just that simple. We live, and make the rest up as we go along. Sure it's hard, but no one else's ideas will ever be quite as satisfying as your own personal meaning.

Organized religion and shit? Those are the social structures for belief in a meaning to life. They're what you hang the drapes of your personal beliefs on, ideally. But sometimes you have to actively search for the right framework to use. And yes, some presented frameworks are outright dangerous to use, and should never have been made.

(To the rest of the system): I think the twenty-five years of isolation and only music reaching me left me with a penchant for philosophy. The music did, of course, teach me poetry. I'd like to look at what I managed to push through to another part.

-Kitt 🏮😺

Text reads: “You. Who is you”

Found on the meme generator

Repost from http://web.archive.org/web/20181201095214/http://whynot-dissociativedegu.tumblr.com:80/tagged/ddmeme/tagged/ddmeme/page/2

been questioning osdd-1b for a while, for maybe 3 years I’ve been thinking I could be plural but only now for 3-4month am I starting to really experience different names and identities I think. I don’t know if I really am plural since I never seem to lose control I just am a new identity, and there’s no communication, but each name feels separate and I feel some dysphoria from being called “the host’s”(?) name. Is there anything else I could be mistaking for, I experience dpdr, and emotional amnesia, but I don’t think I experience any other amnesia. Sorry for the ramble

hey there. so no one in our system can diagnose you. we also can’t confirm or deny that you’re plural. however, we can say that

a. lots of systems have members who never switch out of the front. our own system has a member (our host) who is fronting to some extent like 98% of the time.

b. identity alteration, confusion, and disturbances are common symptoms of many other dissociative and personality disorders, and can present in other diagnoses like depression and anxiety. it’s probably best to consult a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional to determine what disorder may be the cause for experiencing something like this. as far as we know, identity disturbance alone is probably not enough to determine whether or not you have a dissociative disorder like osdd-1b. hence, speaking to a professional may greatly help with figuring this out.

we recommend, of course, trying to see some sort of mental health professional. however, if you’re unable to do this, you can try reaching out to potential headmates and see what happens. we have a post on establishing contact with headmates which might be beneficial for you:

honestly we’d recommend not building your hopes up one way or another and attempting to manage your expectations if you do try to reach out to potential headmates. you may not be a system, and that’s okay. ultimately, that’s going to be up to you to discover for yourself. we do wish you the best of luck with figuring this out, though.

🐢 kip and 💫 parker

brain: makes hyperspecific alters with different names, sexualities, political stances, styles, etc.

system: 👍

brain: creates mental barriers so thick that the alter fronting can't even tell who they are

system: 👎

Prompt #651

Introject A is having a hard time figuring out if they're a fictive, factive, or a mix of both. Yes, their source is a real, physical person, but that person also does acting, including playing the role of themself, so...

Everything's Fine

Author: butterflyslinky | Artist: DeanCodedCasNB Posting on Friday March 3

Dean has been offered his dream job: Personal Assistant to Editor-in-Chief Castiel Novak. Unfortunately, his boyfriend Michael has other plans for their futures.

Keep reading for a sneak preview!

Castiel barely glanced up as Hannah knocked on his office door. “What?” She walked in, ignoring his curt tone, stepping around the clutter of papers and boxes all over the floor. “Just letting you know we’ve hired a new assistant for you. He starts in January.” “Another one? You know I hate having assistants.” “And you know you can’t do literally everything yourself. Don’t worry, this one seems better.” Castiel sighed and leaned away from his computer to actually look at her. “Fine, tell me about him.” Hannah moved a stack of files off the other chair and sat down. “Dean Winchester. KU, English Lit. Just out of school so you can train him how you like. He was very sensitive in the interview, and very charming…polite, but with a good amount of sass. Seems like a good snap-to little soldier anyway.” “Come on, Hannah. What am I even supposed to do with an assistant?” “Have him screen your mail and calls, grab you lunch, set up meetings, make sure nothing off the slush pile somehow makes its way to you without vetting…normal stuff.” “I enjoy seeing the shit from the bottom of the slush pile.” “You don’t have time for it, Castiel. You’re editor-in-chief now, you have actual responsibilities. And you need someone to help you organize this place” “I know, I know…shouldn’t have accepted the promotion if I don’t want to be the boss.” Castiel rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, well, this is why you don’t listen to the fuckwit who keeps pressuring you to rise above the point where you’re happy so he can squeeze more cash out of you. I mean, you’re a mess…you’re exhausted, you’re snappish, you’re three sentences away from offending our top author. You need someone to help lighten this load, and you’ve failed miserably at keeping anyone on board to do that.” Castiel sighed. Hannah was right, of course. The only reason he’d taken the promotion was because his last boyfriend had pressured him into it. But Bart was gone now, having ditched Castiel for some rich Broadway producer, leaving Castiel with nothing but a way-too-big apartment and several maxed out credit cards. Both of which meant Castiel couldn’t take a voluntary demotion, leaving him stuck in a job he hated. Okay, maybe not hated. Castiel did like some aspects of being the head editor. The corner office and salary were nice, and it was good to have the final say on what was published. But it also meant talking to a lot more business people than he liked, and that he missed the more fun but terrible books on the slush pile. Not that he would ever let those go out the door, but reading them was the best entertainment he’d ever had. And worst of all were the assistants. Castiel had only been in the job for a year, but he had already gone through four of them. He felt a little bit bad about it; it wasn’t like any of his previous assistants had been bad people. But none of them had been especially helpful to him, getting in his way more often than not, or messing up his routines too much for him to function. He hadn’t even fired all of them; the last one had quit because she thought he was too particular about things. Which he was, but it wasn’t something he could help. And now there was a new one he’d have to try and train. “Try to go easy on this one,” Hannah said. “He’s moving all the way here from Kansas, so it will be very expensive for both him and the company if you only keep him for three months.” “Fine,” Castiel said. “Can I get the resume?” “Right here.” She handed him a single sheet of paper. Castiel skimmed it quickly. The kid didn’t seem that special; a BA in English and several years working on and off as a mechanic. No clerical experience to speak of, but Castiel figured that could be a good thing. If Dean didn’t have experience, it meant he didn’t have any bad habits to break. “He just graduate?” he asked. “Back in May, yes…so he’s very young, even compared to you. I thought that would be easier if you do decide to fire him immediately.” “Fine, fine.” Castiel set the paper aside. “That all? I have a mountain of drafts to approve.” “That and your mother called the front desk again to ask if you’d consider joining her for Christmas. I told her to call your cell phone, and she told me you never answer it.” “Because she only wants me there so she can set me up with whatever nice girl she’s found now. So tell her I’m busy.” “That’s another reason you need an assistant,” Hannah said. “But until Dean arrives, you can tell her yourself.”

 [continue reading on Ao3 on Friday March 3]

Who am I?

“The Lives in Time of Katherine Kaye”

A silly story about my silly OCs! (But there is also Drama and Angst!) I’m posting this in case anyone has heard something about my soulless mad scientist and her chaos-gremlin younger self and wants to know more, or just for anyone who may happen to be interested lol.

This is kinda a draft/summary of the story so far and as such, it’s a mess, but it’s still very long so I’ve put it under a readmore! (TW for (fictional/fantastical) medical stuff, medical procedures without consent, self-harm, internalized ableism of the anti-neurodivergent variety, identity confusion, and child harm/endangerment)

Some characters and a little worldbuilding, before the story gets started:

Beastfolk/Auracai (a weird fantasy race I made up that’s kind of like elves crossed with catpeople):

Beastfolk age at about half the rate of humans and look like normal humans, but with semi-retractable claws, thin catlike tails, red eyes, and sharpened canines.

“Beastfolk” is what humans call them, referencing their “animal” traits. They call themselves Auracai (this is both singular and plural)

They’re originally from another dimension that contacts the human world (the main story’s world) only occasionally - essentially rare but not unheard of immigrants in this world. 

Sometimes people end up in the wrong world by accident, without a way to get home, as travel between worlds is more “randomly/accidentally slipping through the cracks” than intentional, reliable travel.

Beastfolk can sense souls when in direct contact with someone, humans can’t. 

Katherine Kaye (the main character/characters)

2 versions of her in the story, the emotionless mad scientist adult and the adolescent little chaos gremlin

Auracai/Beastfolk

Has Autism + ADHD + Anxiety

has a much older brother, Theodore, who’s been taking care of them since they ended up in the human world together

KT (the adolescent chaos gremlin version of Katherine)

28 (equivalent of 14)

Mischievous streak

A prankster

Really intense emotions, prone to overreacting

Senior in high school because of weird aging

Amateur singer/songwriter/musician and this is a major part of her personality

goes by KT because “it’s like ‘Katie,’ but cooler!”

Both a STEM nerd and an artist

Dreams of having an impact on the world, both of changing things for the better and of being cool and famous

Self-perception swings with her moods: often confident to the point of arrogance or overconfidence, but during a breakdown she’s full of self-loathing and shame.

Wants to travel, explore, and live a somewhat adventurous life; an ordinary office job would never satisfy her. Boring AF and a total waste of her potential.

Pigtails/twin tails

Likes to act cute to get what she wants

Dr. Kaye (the soulless mad scientist/adult version of Katherine)

Removed her own soul (heart/emotions/creativity/etc.) in an experimental process, which she tested on herself in a frustrated attempt to prove herself and to stop having such intense mood swings + be more productive and “better” without her emotional overreactions.

Ended up getting stuck in the past because she was researching interdimensional travel in an attempt to find a reliable way to get back and forth between the human world and the Auracai world (in this story time travel creates a new timeline/slightly different reality)

creepy ever-present smile (this was a form of masking and a coping mechanism, and remains a habit)

egotistical and doesn’t really realize the extent of it: she thinks that without a soul she’s become perfectly logical and efficient and immune to emotional biases. (This is revealed to be untrue when she has to reevaluate the idea that her current “emotionless” state is an improvement.)

now has really limited emotional range and is coldly logical most of the time

still has a few common emotional states though: excited/passionate/enthusiastic about her work, frustrated/annoyed/exasperated with people who are “not smart enough to see her vision” or “keep getting in the way,” amused at others’ incompetence or at messing with people, and a state of discomfort/guilt/concern about what she’s lost and what things have come to that is usually easily repressed and ignored, triggered by reminders of who she used to be

Really any emotion she feels is almost always mild enough to easily ignore.

Started promoting her soul-removal procedure as a “therapy” for anxiety, depression, various other mood disorders and emotional issues, and autism-related intense mood swings.

tends to dismiss other people as running on “mere irrational emotion”

Age: ~80s (early 40s) (She basically has a midlife crisis after getting stuck in the past lol)

she doesn’t tend to go by her first name and absolutely refuses to answer to the nickname “KT,” even from Ted.

almost completely lost her creative, playful side. No interest in anything artistic, including the music she used to love. “Fun” is not only unnecessary, but largely impossible for her, and anything involving conveying or coping with emotions? Forget it.

KT’s brother/guardian: Theodore Kaye

Perpetually exhausted, at the end of his rope

Nicknamed Ted, rarely goes by his full name Theodore

~ 50 (equivalent of 25)

Responsible because he has to be

Introverted

Low energy

Autistic (I love giving everyone the ‘tism lol)

Loyal to his sister, has a special connection with the one person who was there for him both before and after getting stuck in a different world

The story so far:

KT sees something about Dr. Kaye in the news and it mentions that she’s Beastfolk, which makes KT think that maybe she and Ted have a relative they didn’t know about. So KT goes on a bit of a wild goose chase trying to contact this person who might just be someone who happens to have the same last name. They meet, and Dr. Kaye explains the time stuff. Ted is looking for help and Dr. Kaye is like “oh yeah should probably do that, younger me will probably be a great collaborator when she’s a little older.” Ted gets the feeling that something is off about Dr. Kaye, but kinda doesn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Clearly, this is his sister, or a version of her anyway, and although KT is a prankster, she’s a good kid. It’d totally be fine to trust her with… herself. Right? Right?

Time passes, Dr. Kaye recommends KT books, KT gets increasingly curious about Dr. Kaye’s weirder habits. She plays pranks on her, thinking her future self will laugh. She’d laugh. Dr. Kaye pretends to be amused the first time, then doesn’t react at all. She doesn’t react to a lot of things, actually, seeming to have no interest in much of anything, not caring about the things KT has liked her entire life. Something must have happened to her in the future that she refuses to discuss in order to create this weird disconnect, right? 

Meanwhile this entire time Dr. Kaye has just been… watching KT be herself, which causes her a slight, odd feeling of discomfort that she can’t seem to explain. 

Beastfolk, unlike humans, can sense someone’s soul when in direct contact with them. Dr. Kaye is careful to avoid touching people and not make it weird, a habit she formed before getting stuck in the past in order to avoid making other Beastfolk uncomfortable with her soullessness, and has become more important now that she’s stuck in the past and is attempting to hide her lack of a soul.  She also usually locks her bedroom door at night, but one night the door is accidentally left unlocked, and KT notices and tries to play a prank by putting a fake bug in Dr. Kaye’s bed while she’s asleep. She touched Dr. Kaye by accident  - she didn’t really mean to violate her boundaries, but she made the necessary contact and what she sensed was terrifying. 

KT: *screams*

Kaye: *wakes up confused* what the hell are you doing???

KT: *too scared to react*

Kaye: I forgot to lock the door, didn’t I? And now you’re in my room staring at me like a deer in headlights. Just what do you think you’re doing?!? 

KT: I, uh, it was just a prank, I didn’t mean to wake you up, you- your soul…

Kaye: *finds the fake bug* you touched me, didn’t you, as you were messing around trying to plant this ridiculous plastic bug for me to find in the morning… and I suppose I should explain things now that the cat is out of the bag, shouldn’t I? 

She explains to KT about removing her soul and KT is horrified, but even more fascinated. She wants to know more, even though she also wants to run very fast in the opposite direction, and her other self is happy to explain.

KT: *holding Dr. Kaye’s hand, still fascinated by the strange emptiness inside of her* Does… does it hurt? Not having a soul, I mean…

Dr. Kaye: It doesn’t hurt anymore… but it did, at first. I won’t lie to you, removing it was… an extremely painful process. Of course, in most cases it’s done under anesthesia… though I obviously didn’t have that option. After the procedure, there’s definitely some pain, some lingering soreness, which is rather unresponsive to painkillers, but the worst of it fades naturally fairly quickly, and in a few weeks it’s entirely gone.  There’s also a certain sense of emptiness, afterwards… it feels like something is missing deep inside of you, which I suppose is true, but it’s a feeling I didn’t find it hard to get used to. That empty feeling never truly goes away, but it’s distressing at first mostly because it’s disconcerting, rather than being painful. It’s something I can sense even now, if I’m thinking about it, but I no longer find it bothersome, and I haven’t for a long time. 

KT: That… kinda makes sense? And you said you don’t really feel emotions anymore? 

Dr. Kaye: Yes, and that’s been an immense relief. No more anxiety, no more meltdowns. 

KT: … no more happiness, though? 

Dr. Kaye: I suppose you could say that… but I would say that might simply be the cost of being free of emotional bias. I do find I sometimes experience mild emotion-like states… I’ve found it unpleasant to be interrupted while I’m working, for example… but such experiences are transient and low in intensity, and as such they are easily dismissed. 

Dr. Kaye then explains her plans to republish her discoveries in this timeline and promote her soul-removal procedure as a “therapy” for a variety of emotional problems, as she did in her own time. KT, understandably, freaks out further. 

Meanwhile Ted starts realizing that something is deeply wrong with Dr. Kaye and wants his sister back. Eventually Dr. Kaye decides her kid self needs her “treatment” a little early because she keeps “being difficult,” as well as wanting to spare her younger self the suffering of having to live with her emotional overreactions. She tries to figure out the best way to present this to KT so she’ll agree to undergo the procedure willingly, but also prepares to do it by force if necessary, convinced that she knows what’s best for them. KT asks Dr. Kaye about her regrets, which with everything makes the repressed issues come back to the forefront. As she tries to say she regrets nothing and to ask KT to follow in her footsteps, these words somehow seem like a lie. KT is horrified, but her screaming and freaking out just solidifies in Dr. Kaye’s mind that she’s overreacting. She lets KT wear out her panic until she breaks down in despairing tears and states that if KT doesn’t stop resisting, she will force her. 

“KT, listen to me. I’m you. I know what’s best for us. This is for your own good. Now, you can be good and listen to reason, or you can keep fighting and I will have to forcibly sedate you. Either way, when you wake up you won’t have to be sad and scared like this ever again. The pain you might feel now will be nothing compared to all the suffering I’m sparing you.” “W… will… I’m never going play pranks or sing or play music or draw or play pretend ever again will I… but I guess I have to grow up and give that stupid stuff up anyway… I… I have to grow up faster like you and stop that nonsense…”

Dr. Kaye realizes in that moment that she hasn’t done a single creative thing, hasn’t hummed a tune, doodled in the margins of a notebook, made up stories to fall asleep to, anything, since the day she cut out her soul. Is that worthless, or is that something she’s subconsciously missed for a very long time? She remembers that cutting out her own soul was originally an act of desperation and self-hate. She reconsiders everything.

 Meanwhile KT is escaping. She runs home to Ted and cries in his arms. Dr. Kaye realizes that she doesn’t actually want KT to end up like her, and tries to apologize for everything, but is pushed away by Ted. Not wanting to waste this chance to tell her past self what she wishes she’d known, she disappears, but begins to write a diary/memoir of all the regrets she’d never let herself “waste time” dwelling on and all the useful life things she knows from experience that were hard or impossible to find in books. She leaves it for KT one day, around the time of KT’s high school graduation, and KT reads it and tries to find her again. Despite Ted’s deep distrust of Dr. Kaye, they reconnect, originally through email because Ted understandably doesn’t want Dr. Kaye anywhere near his sister. KT really wants to apprentice under Dr. Kaye, as working and training under an experienced mentor is common practice for young people in the Auracai world, and she argues with Ted about it. 

“I thought you really wanted to go to a human university? Wasn’t that your big dream?” “Well kinda, but that was before I met Dr. Kaye! She’d be the perfect mentor because she’s doing so many things and they’re all the things I’m interested in!!!” “Are you completely forgetting that she tried to take your soul?!?? As far as I’m concerned, she’s unstable and dangerous.” “Okay yeah maybe she’s a little unstable but she wouldn’t be dangerous at all to me, she didn’t take my soul because she actually listens to me, remember?” “Katherine. Stop for a moment and listen to yourself. I can’t believe this is a conversation we even need to have.” “I’m trying to listen to myself, that’s kinda the whole point! ;) Someone keeps saying it’s a bad idea!” (KT doesn’t consider herself and Dr. Kaye to be fully one and the same the way Dr. Kaye does, but the joke was far too good for KT to pass up.) “You know what I meant, and it did not involve the potential future you that’s a soulless lunatic!” 

Dr. Kaye starts asking KT for advice on moral and emotional matters, and KT feels needed. Ted begins to relax a little, though he still really doesn’t trust her. Dr. Kaye invites KT to join her on some kind of research trip, and KT sneaks away to do so against Ted’s orders. He is livid with her… but it is a little reassuring that she’s quite unharmed and had a good time. Eventually Ted’s attitude of “I am not letting you walk to your death” softens into “I’m not sure if I can stop you, and it’s really on you if you get hurt after I tried to stop you, but please text me every night with an update on your latest song or art project or whatever or just something about your day, something that’s you, so I know you’re okay.” So KT gets her apprenticeship, and the Katherines end up forming a sort of symbiotic relationship, with Dr. Kaye acting as a mentor, guardian, and voice of reason to KT, and KT acting as Dr. Kaye’s heart and soul and conscience. Dr. Kaye is still soulless but is starting to come to terms with it now… not exactly “okay” but no longer ignoring that there was a loss and more willing to listen to others or at least to her kid self. Although she also likes to say that if she regained her former emotional range now, she’d probably have a heart attack… especially when KT is causing trouble.