eldritch-queern-magicat
Your Queern Legion
system shenanigan sideblog ♪ chaotic queer nerd ♪ fae mage-witch♪ he/him, it/its ♪ age 31 ♪ music fanatic
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I'M GOING BACK TO COLLEGE!!! I HAVE OFFICIALLY RE-ENROLLED!!!
*looney toons-level happiness explosion*
-Pandemonum ☄️😺
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I have way too much fight or flight instinct to dismantle. I'm kinda the part that panicked the most when Melissa became a little too dependent on us way back between the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016. She was more prone to being clingy because of her own trauma. I ended up with the mindset that it was better to be alone than to be controlled and smothered by someone else. I often acted out of fear, with suppressed emotions and barriers to communicating almost at all any of my real needs.
When we had our...mess, it's almost a guarantee that I ended up doing more damage to her than she had actually done to me. And then, even hurting myself all over again.
All I can say about it? Foster hell made me bitter and mean, and generally pretty damn suspicious of others. Certain family members on both sides magnified those things as time went on. And frankly, cats often did a better job of socializing me than most humans.
I'm still wrestling with what happened. It was honestly really bad. We talk about it now and then, but I haven't figured out how to let it go. I was, and still kinda am, an asshole. It's at least a work in progress.
-Pandemonum ☄️😺
#dissociative identity disorder#did#did system#alters#dissociation#polyfragmented#polyfrag system#polyfrag did#friends#post traumatic stress disorder#ptsd#making amends#family shit#foster care#personal shit
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Send a space thing for questions
Planets: Life
Mercury: What’s your full name?
Venus: What’s your first language?
Earth: Where’s your home?
Mars: What’s your sexuality?
Jupiter: Do you have any siblings?
Saturn: Any pets?
Uranus: What’s your hobby?
Neptune: When’s your birthday?
Pluto: What time is it right now where you are?
Moon: What are you currently studying/hope to study?
Stars: Experiences
Sun: Have you ever had alcohol?
Sirius: Have you ever failed a class?
Rigel: Have you ever gone on a rollercoaster?
Deneb: Have you ever been out of your home country?
Arcturus: Have you cried out of something other than sadness?
Betelgeuse: What’s something you can never forget about?
Aldebaran: What’s something you care desperately about?
Canopus: Have you ever broken a bone?
Bellatrix: Have you ever been forced to lie/keep a secret?
Alphard: Have you ever lost a friend?
Vega: What’s something you’ve done that you wish you hadn’t?
Constellations: Favourites
Centaurus: Favourite holiday?
Orion: Favourite month?
Cassiopeia: Favourite book?
Delphinus: Favourite study?
Hercules: Favourite instrument?
Gemini: Favourite song?
Pegasus: Favourite place to be?
Libra: Favourite colour?
Phoenix: Favourite thing to wear?
Aries: Favourite movie?
Cygnus: Favourite weather?
Hydra: Favourite sound?
Galaxies: Love/Friends
Milky Way: Who’s your oldest friend?
Andromeda: Do you consider yourself social?
Black Eye Galaxy: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Cartwheel Galaxy: When was your first kiss?
Cigar Galaxy: How’s your flirting skills?
Comet Galaxy: Have you ever had to leave a relationship because someone changed too much?
Pinwheel Galaxy: Would you date the last person you talked to?
Sombrero Galaxy: Do you have a crush right now?
Bode’s Galaxy: Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Sunflower Galaxy: Would you date/make friends with someone out of pity?
Tadpole Galaxy: Would you deny a relationship/friendship?
Whirlpool Galaxy: Have you ever cried over a breakup?
Other stuff: Wishes
Comet: What’s your big dream?
Asteroid: What does your dream life look like?
Meteor: What’s something you wish you could tell, but can’t?
Nebula: If you could undo one thing in your life, what would it be?
Shooting Star: If you could bring back one thing, what would it be?
Pulsar: What do you hope to do in the next 10 years?
Supernova: What’s one thing you want to do before you die?
Quasar: If you could spend the rest of your life with only one person, who would it be?
Wormhole: What’s something you wish would happen, but know won’t?
Black Hole: What’s the last thing you want to see?
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Oh fuck yeah. Melissa reminded me that she has Amazon Prime earlier. We're going to watch Good Omens and I'm so excited! There's a Good Omens tarot deck, too, and my heart already just yearns for it. Literally Tumblr has made me want that deck just through cultural osmosis.
-Terra 🪨😸
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1000000% nerd. The Marvel tarot is what made me go for the DC tarot. I love the choices made for each card. There are also now characters for me to learn more about. And I have to show The Lovers.
Hang on.
There, Apollo and Midnighter. 💕 (Totally need to learn more about them.)
I love who they have on Strength.
I love Cyborg, aka, Victor Stone. Watching Teen Titans in the early 2000s, I liked him more than Robin. Also, Garfield/Beast Boy there as the lion is so yes.
Not embarrassed about how perfect I think this card is. Never could decide if I had a bigger crush on Raven or Starfire (she's the Page of Cups).
I'm so glad Ivy is The Empress. Best choice in my opinion. She's one of my favorite Batman ‘villains’. Probably because I grew up most of my early childhood in the woods.
Only fitting that The Flash is The Chariot. After all, can't use Superman.
Because he's on The Sun, flying over a whole field of sunflowers.
You know the Bat had to be in here somewhere. My dad's response when I said he was on Judgement was ‘go figure’. But I honestly wouldn't have picked anyone else.
Honest to God, just literal perfection. What more can I say? Wonder Woman should be on Justice.
Seeing The Martian Manhunter on Temperance is a relief. This card gives me fits often. I'm not bad at the actual idea of the card, but religious indoctrination has made a mess of understanding the deeper truth. A good, friendly face for me.
I resent the image limit on posts now. All the cards are great.
-Terra 🪨😸
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To be honest, the only reason I shelved going back to college was my piss poor mental health. If that hadn't been a sizable part of me falling apart over lockdown, I'd have been back at least two years ago. But, as Alex put it so well earlier this week, c'est la vie.
I'm so excited that I'd really like to scream. I keep repeating to myself that I'm going back to college. It also provides structure for my ADHD brain to function on. Without a solid and sensible structure, I do very badly.
I'm also excited for my order to come tomorrow. Not only did I get the DC tarot cards, I also got the original Pokémon movie and a frame to fit my Lindsey Stirling poster. And my room is almost cleaned up again. I just need to reorganize my desk, but that only looks worse than it really is. But since I'm putting the poster over there, it must be handled today. Preferably this morning.
Actually, the poster is still in the tube it was shipped in. Downstairs. Because I swore it wouldn't enter my room at least until I had it cleaned up decently. And boy howdy did I haul ass picking shit up. I'm sore now, but also very satisfied with what I have gotten done.
But I've also realized that I don't have enough table surface. There are several reasons for that, though. First, my computer desk doesn't even hold everything without a lot of finagling. Second, my writing table is already half full with what isn't even all of my art supplies. My very old cedar chest has a nice long surface, but it's not great for working at. It mostly just holds other stuff like what won't fit on my breakfast tray-turned altar.
-Catra 🧨😻
#dissociative identity disorder#did#did system#dissociation#ptsd#complex ptsd#anxiety#depression#adhd#paranoia#mental health#trauma recovery#college#bedroom cleaning#new poster#personal shit
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Last night, I dreamed about the DC tarot deck I ordered the other day. I was so excited to get it, and I really am in the waking world, too. I was at least as excited, in this dream, as the dream where I got to try playing a violin properly.
God, it's great that I can remember happy dreams more now. It means that I've healed a lot of my childhood trauma. I didn't actually think I'd ever get here, really. Really, my shit was so awful that I kinda assumed it would be that way forever. I guess my early childhood was the source of most of my nightmares.
-Maxie 🥩😸
#dreams#bad dreams#nightmares#trauma#post traumatic stress disorder#ptsd#complex ptsd#trauma recovery#personal shit
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Hung out with a different friend for the first time in years yesterday. She wants me to bring my Magic the Gathering cards over so we can play next time. And that's a game I do desperately want to get back into. Charles and I had gotten into it back in late 2016 or so, but then things happened one after another. And college ended up taking up most of my focus in the end. But I definitely didn't lose interest.
Dad used to when he was much younger, and even competitively. But he stopped before I was old enough for him to start teaching me how, because I wanted to play. This was back in the early 2000s, when he began losing his competitive edge, and Mom had her first leg amputated before her other one. So we needed him around much more often. He technically lived across the river in West Virginia at the time. This was during the classic format, so like what the fuck is a Planeswalker? I was barely a teenager, and for a lot of it, I just liked the artwork on the cards. But I did want to learn to play.
In high school, in Ohio, I played Yu-Gi-Oh with the oldest of my cousins I lived with. Can't remember how often I beat him, but he wasn't exactly that great. I think eventually, beyond him getting tired of me beating him so much, I also got bored of winning so often (not that I liked losing; I kinda was a sore loser because of experience I couldn't even properly explain). He was the only person I really had to play most games with. I feel like I stayed home more than my cousins simply because it never occurred often to ask to visit my friends more. I was painfully used to being left alone from before.
But yeah, basically Alex has permission to come and beat down the door to drag me out of the house if she has to. I need more friends aware of the possibility that is me cooping myself up at home for so long for any number of reasons that I revert to being asocial. And she's one of the most likely to actually, physically come over and damn near beat the door down. I love her for that, though, and I've very much missed her.
-Rhodes 🗝️😻
#magic the gathering#yugioh#card games#trading card games#best friends#social isolation#asocial#asocial problems
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I'm sitting here, finishing my coffee and conceptualizing new tarot decks to get my brain up and running for the day. And yesterday I was obsessed with a musician's tarot theme, but today I'm coming back to one that looks a lot like my dad thematically. The swords suit is hats (thoughts in the head), wands are canes, cups are mugs, and pentacles are computer mice/cursors. And honestly, I don't even mind, because in a way, I follow that theme, too. Mom would encourage me to go for it on sheer principle, and it would be a great artistic project to start with.
I mean, of course. The ideas are bouncing off the walls of my brain again. All these deck concepts are giving me ways to explore stories, though. So that's actually fun.
-Rhodes 🗝️😻
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Check out "ALTER EGO"
The game that made me start asking questions about the state of my sense of self. I recently started playing it again, and didn't transfer the game data from my last phone over to my current one. It's one of those tap games, but I have incredibly fidgety hands. Tapping games are always better than messing with my face.
It was actually less than two weeks after finishing the main story that I realized I was a system. Thank the gods, for once I actually left a review in the play store. It's been nearly four years, and in dealing with all my childhood trauma, I nearly forgot what triggered all of it to begin with.
That said, the game can get your emotions stewing very hard. I just wanted to talk about how it actually helped me with my mental health since the pandemic left everyone isolated and with very little to do.
-Adora 🪇😸
#dissociative identity disorder#did#did system#dissociation#polyfragmented#polyfrag system#polyfrag did#alters#psychology#google play store#mobile gaming app#mobile games#play store#personal shit
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Goals for this year include going back to college this autumn. I need things to occupy my mind with, even if it's just like two classes to get back into the swing of things. Plus I know myself a lot better than before COVID. I really think I can finish at my community college this time, and transfer to the nearby state university, where I'll get my bachelor's degree in history.
In other news, I'm probably the youngest new volunteer at the museum. I can't wait until we open for the year. There will be pictures on Instagram because this is also my local (Allegany county) museum. Which we were told was ranked second for small museums in the country recently. A museum in Texas got ranked first.
Ah, hell, why not. Wood carvings so much yes. The only other post from the museum right now is glassware, and there's so much more to see. Floor one is more of history, floor two is more art, plus even more history of the area. There's some really cool stuff here.
instagram
It was brought up during the volunteer meeting about making the museum more accessible to people. Both neurodivergent and physically disabled. Which I'll probably get involved with because I wasn't shy about my rolator. In terms of that, I also carry the point of view of living with someone who was a full-time wheelchair user, Mom.
I also can't wait to go back to college and just talk with the professors, as well. I especially want to tell my history professors about the exciting things that happened after the pandemic hit. Because I have sorted so much out, and improved my social and speaking skills way more than expected in the span of less than two years.
But seriously, I'm starting to get bored now that most of my personal things are being sorted finally. I'm highly averse to basically doing nothing long term, because then the mental illnesses hit my insecurities again. It also gets me out of the house, which is always necessary for my general stability. If I stay cooped up at home all the time, I lose my grip on reality around me.
-Adora 🪇😸
#dissociative identity disorder#did#did system#dissociation#anxiety#depression#ptsd#back to college#museum#college#volunteering#history nerd#nerd#personal shit#Instagram
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Actually, this is one of the most complicated cards at times, when I get too stuck in my head trying to logic everything out. The Magician is easy to understand, but The High Priestess is almost maddening more often than not. It doesn't help that often society at large places almost no importance in intuitive wisdom. So it's often also difficult to learn to trust your own instincts.
The wisdom of The High Priestess is the kind you can't simply learn in a classroom or from a book. It's the intuitive wisdom gained from experiencing something and can't be properly quantified in any amount of words. It's more like music than just a little bit, at least as I understand things. And I have many, many thoughts and feelings about music.
Have you ever tried explaining the pure magic of some music to someone, because you simply can't stop looping for hours at a time? Only to never get the right words to the point of rambling? Because the truth is that it's all like trying to measure the span of the waves on a beach with popsicle sticks. You'll never truly be able to do it.
The High Priestess is an emphasis on feeling to understand something. Even The Magician isn't just books and studying alone, but The High Priestess dives all in with feeling over intellectualizing the experience. It's the trying to quantify the whole reality of the wisdom into defined and fixed terms that gets you stuck. It just ain't gonna happen, pal. At some point, you kinda have to accept that concrete empirical evidence isn't everything, even if you don't believe in spiritual or religious things. Emotions can't be understood intellectually alone, either, or a person's will.
Our Magician is the kind of person who can pick up and master any instrument with enough dedication and practice. He can use his studies and training to compose new, and quite enchanting music that will blow others out of the water. He knows all the things you're expected to as a musician, and then some. There's never a time he doesn't weave magic into the heart of a song, and it's what puts him in a class of his own.
But our High Priestess understands the music at a deeper, far more emotional level. If The Magician is the one who mostly follows the established rules of composition, she's the one who creates more out of what feels right, even if it breaks nearly every long-established rule in the book. And it's very likely that even she can't even totally explain how she does it. She just does, and it's exactly that simple in her mind.
-Nex 🖌️😸
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Looks like Rhodes waited to move to the next Major Arcana intentionally, or something. Of course. Lol.
Ah, The Magician. One who has studied, and grown past being just the simple, almost sweet summer child. So now our Fool steps into the magic circle to begin.
Begin what, though? Without direction, a clear goal, our Magician will spend all their energy with nothing to show for it. All that magical potential and skill. All of it just wasted, if there's nothing they want to chase.
So. What are you (and I) gonna do? Besides, at least in my case, reading all that manga in the background again.
-Pandemonum 🪁😺
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Regardless of what it otherwise may think, Rhodes definitely has our collective shit figured out the most. Even as Era, or Sammy, or Lilu or Ash. He is, in fact, now a culmination of everything we've sorted out so far. Fresh from what legit looks like finalizing fusions with at least Caelienn and Maxie. If not Galaco, as well. He says we'll see on that, of course. It's entirely possible something could happen to prove the opposite with any one of them. But for once, I feel pretty confident they did it.
Now to work on my own shit. I'm gonna need help. I'm, unfortunately for all of us, very good at ignoring my own problems.
-Pandemonum 🪁😺
#dissociative identity disorder#did#did system#polyfrag did#polyfrag system#polyfragmented#alters#dissociation#fusion#trauma recovery#healing#personal shit
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As it would happen, we were still fracturing from other things when Mom died. It's what made us so fragile that we shattered when it happened. Losing Grandma was a very harsh blow and put me under even more emotional pressure. I suppose the one blessing is that she didn't have to watch me let our family tear itself apart over the abuse reveal.
I fused back with the part once named Zero, who changed it to Rhodes. Era makes for a funny name, but Rhodes literally means rose. And yes, that makes all the difference. When I first got into fandom spaces, I literally just called myself Rose until I was comfortable with myself online.
And the only reason we did that was that we were using our daily name, Cari, for the main character of a 130 chapter-long heroic vampire girl epic. It was the most fun I'd had writing stories, based on how I spent about fourteen months regularly writing it so I had many chapters already done and ready to post on a weekly or so basis. It was a messy as hell Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy crossover of sorts, and a totally unashamed self-insert adventure. At the time, my primary crush from Kingdom Hearts was Zexion (this was around the time we got Re:Coded across the globe). I did finish the story in early 2012, so Mom got to see our satisfaction at finishing that crossover fanfic epic. She was incredibly supportive of my ultimate dream of being a published author, and we talked through new ideas a lot.
I also had my crisis around my sexuality at that time, because hey! I'm finally in a place where I can safely explore myself. I had, through my corner of the Quizilla Kingdom Hearts community, discovered I had a crush on Kairi. To be honest, I had a crush on most of the KH original characters. Definitely except for Vexen, because he was basically my main self-insert's dad whenever I was working with her in my fanfics. It was part because it's funny, but there was also a very sincere affection for the character.
There have been dividing lines between us for ages, and of course they coincided with our characters and stories more over time. But they didn't reach all the way through us back then. We felt largely stable, even though we were still pretty brittle. The cracks had slowed significantly before Grandma died, then it got worse a lot faster. I wasn't even close to properly opening up in therapy about much of anything at that point. Even when things seemed to be looking up, it was still just a massive downward spiral from there.
My writing slowed significantly over the years as my mind just split over and over again. I tried so many things to get the creativity flowing again, but I only delayed my inevitable crash. I don't think it helped that I became progressively bitter as time went on. I got mean again, and it's hard to create when your mind has been sharpened into a blade. Though what I did write did become progressively darker as time went on. It was part of coping, mostly, which is what makes some things I came up with so uncomfortable in retrospect (though I did come to understand my love of horror a lot better). My stories were already a mess of my unprocessed childhood trauma, even during high school in its entirety, when awful things were still going on.
It's very likely I put my writing down because I couldn't handle what it was all from. And with the other things that happened, it was made worse by me misunderstanding the source of it. I literally didn't realize how much of it was just internal conflicts. My descent into madness was intense, but maybe now I can finally unpack what happened.
Honestly, there was at least one good thing that came of that mess. There was a decent amount of spiritual healing at that time. My cards, both tarot and oracle, gave me a structure for understanding some stuff. My first Fool's Journey was with my darling Herbal Tarot. I met many dissociated parts that I mistook for spirit beings, because that's how deeply shattered I was. I literally had no sense of self at that time.
So much of my identity at that time was tied to Mom and our tested, unbreakable relationship. It legitimately felt like I wasn't anything at all anymore. Charles saying it was like something in me also died still hits me pretty hard. Even when he said it, I knew inside that he was right. But back then, I just wasn't ready to admit it. Still not easy, but it's getting better. And that's enough, for now.
-Rhodes 🗝️😻
#dissociative identity disorder#did splitting#did#did system#alters#dissociation#polyfragmented#polyfrag system#polyfrag did#alter names#tw death#family death tw#therapy#trauma recovery#creative writing#fanfiction#fanfic#fandom#kingdom hearts#kingdom hearts fanfic#kingdom hearts fandom#crossover#fanfic crossover#final fantasy 7#final fantasy series#final fantasy 10#original characters#personal shit#rambles#ramblings
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I've decided to start on The Fool's Journey again (third trip) with my Steampunk Tarot. Since I see The World card as just the precipice of the next journey, and I have several tarot decks, it was inevitable. It was more of a matter of which deck I would choose next. We'll see when I finish this cycle, I'll move through the cards as they call me to.
I'm so in love with this deck. It's been one of my primary decks since I got it. It was also easier for me to connect with it than my first deck. Aside from being steampunk, the art is simply amazing. There's a reason I made the profile picture of my tarot sideblog an image of The Star.
But it's more than just the art, though it's still a big factor. It's the very essence and tone, what makes this deck unique. It's grim, yes, and definitely not shy about it, but it's not hopeless. Things suck hard, but hey, the sun's coming up! It's a brand new day. You're still here, surviving. And this really is only the beginning. Take a leap of faith, and don't worry about the dirt and smoke. Let your hopes and dreams (the adorable little dog) guide you.
Everyone is the fool of their own journey. Time to get moving.
-Rhodes ⏱️😺
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I figured something out about the really little kids. They're not really just early fragments that went to sleep after we were taken from our family. It's more like the parts to carry on were the first instances of fragmentation. I'd ask what the fuck, but I already know exactly what the fuck.
But apparently I hadn't fully fused with Zell, because that was his missing detail. He split me to deal with the absolute hell we were going through. It does explain the things that happened with our writing after a certain point.
And I'm still putting off looking at any of it. I know there's no reason to be embarrassed about it, it's just how much unprocessed trauma I put in all of it. I have so many complicated feelings about it.
-Era 🗝️😻
#dissociative identity disorder#did#did system#alters#dissociation#polyfrag system#polyfragmented#polyfrag did#fragments#littles#did splitting#personal shit#foster care#child abuse#medical neglect#trauma
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