i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

Typical BPD Weekend

Friday: Drink too much and split on someone you really like because they’re not giving you the attention you want. You feel like you’re losing them, so why not fucking self sabotage and push them away before they can leave you anyways? You were angry, they don’t appreciate you like you do them, so fuck ‘em. They’re nothing to you, just like you are to them. Once a God, now a Dog.

Saturday: Spend all day in a state of high anxiety feeling like you’re a hair away from having a panic attack, waiting to hear from the person you split on even though you know this time you really took it too far. You try to tell people what happened, but how can you put into words why you reacted the way you did…? Clean obsessively. Pace around. Stare at phone. Repeat this process until you can stare at the ceiling for hours, begging for sleep so you can stop thinking about it.

Sunday: Anxiety is replaced by depression when you accept that you really did fuck it up this time and you won’t hear from the person you split on. Try to stay busy and not think about it or them - even lying to yourself it won’t be so bad without them - but it’s all consuming. They left like you knew they would, and you were right… right? You’re always right when it comes to people leaving you. Even so, why is there physical pain radiating in your chest?

The hit of dopamine and euphoria I get from hearing back from someone I thought was going to abandon me is a high I wouldn’t wish on others. It disgusts me. I fucking hate BPD. (I think I hate myself more.)

me when i can’t live in his skin and hide from the world

sorry I cried and told you I was gonna kill myself over a small thing, I have crying and wanting to kill myself over small things disorder

They will never understand the sadness that you can physically feel in your chest

it's always "i love you even with your disorder!" until they don't understand your symptoms

"ill never leave you" liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

stop asking how i am, i don't want to think about my life

People only care about mental health battle stories if the outcome is successful. They don't wanna hear about you still struggling or can't control your symptoms

mutual obsession or nothing at all

that moment when you’re empty and nothing matters anymore . you don’t even know who you are anymore but it’s okay it doesn’t matter , you just want to disappear .

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

Why is everything so heavy? 😖

I genuinely mourn the person I could have been.