#i just wish people understood because God it's so fucking lonely
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it’s so strange how many people think i am like an open book about my life? because i feel like that mostly comes from me telling people extremely mild (imo) information and them taking it as a large confession. and like yes i have vaguely alluded to some heavier stuff but it’s like. i don’t know i wish people didn’t go around thinking oh mare doesn’t shut up about her trauma when it’s like the vast majority of events in my life i have never been able to fully tell anyone who wasn’t my therapist and likely never will be able to do that again.
#nightmare.personal#i just wish i could talk about my first relationship#i really do. because it explains so much about me#but it's like. the best ways to explain it are ways that don't really capture it or are too vague#i hate self pity and i do it so often and i know that it's selfish but it's like#i just. there's nobody i can tell?#because i don't trust people who say you can tell me anything because i know there are limits#and if a situation is bad enough for me to have a psychotic break for the first time in my life then i would say like#probably not conversation i can easily make over discord dms you know?#and yeah having my therapist know is cool. if any of the others were around then they would know and that helped a lot#like klav really did help. it hurt but having him there to talk about it or think about it made it easier#but now it's like. god i hate saying this but i wonder if my partner or ex maybe resent? me for it?#because they don't understand it but they must recognize on some level it ruined me#God. i am not going to impulse text my ex about this i WON'T but like.#i just wish people understood because God it's so fucking lonely#with only half the context people jump to conclusions and pick a good and bad one and it was never that#it was a situation that never should have happened#and i can't even tell people the origins of it because i know for a FACT my current friends online or irl would resent me for it#because i tried to play God. and it didn't work.#maybe I do text my ex i don't know. the living one not the one in this relationship i'm talking about lol.#but nobody is ever going to fucking understand it. nobody can absolve me of guilt because nobody knows what i did wrong#and nobody can blame me correctly because nobody knows what they had done#not even them
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PROMISCUOUS BOY
prompt: your next-door neighbour keeps bringing hookups one night after other disturbing your precious sleep. exhausted, you decide to write a letter venting all your frustrations — not expecting that in the middle of all this it would reach it recipient.
pairing: blade, jing yuan x fem! reader
cw: scenario format, modern au, slightly ooc to fit the plot, suggestive themes, mentions of sex, flirt, not beta-read
reblogs and comments are appreciated ♡
Dear apt 502’ neighbour,
I understand that starting a letter with "dear" may sound a bit old-fashioned and ridiculous when I don't even know you, but I hope you take in consideration my romantic spirit as a passionate literature student and will overlook this fact.
That said, the reason why we’ve never met is mainly based on the times when I leave and get home. You see, I'm in my last year of a master's degree and the university has been charging all my time and dedication, so I barely have time to take care of myself other than to fall into bed and sleep.
But lately, in the late hours of the night, I’ve had my rest interrupted at the only moment when my mind should find peace. And I swear, I've tried to use all possible methods to prevent the noise from affecting me but it has been increasingly difficult.
Far be it for me to look for trouble because of someone else sex' life, no. I'd rather say good for you instead.
But would it be nice of you to fuck your bitches without breaking my wall in the process? I can deal with their horrible moans, but definitely not with my damaged apartment.
Be that as it may, I wish you the best intentions.
Your apt 503’ neighbour
Blade
Oh, how you hated your neighbour. You hated him so much.
There were few people who achieved such a feat since you were the most patient and easygoing person to ever exist. Not even your Languages and Cultures II’ partner who was extremely irresponsible or your idiot ex-boyfriend who still didn't seem to understand the meaning of the word break-up were able to get out of you a feeling as negative as hate. But, well, for everything in this life there was a first time, and your not-so-dear-neighbour was getting the upper hand.
When you wrote the letter on one of the dozens of nights in which his nocturnal activities seemed to be more important than other people's rest, you didn't expect a few days later for it to disappear from your desk where it belonged, much less for your friendly doorman to confirm your worst nightmare: all the mail for the week had already been sent.
What was supposed to be a joke turned into more days and nights of stress and you even considered writing him a second letter explaining that it was all just a misunderstanding and that the cracks in your wall weren't that important after all. However, when a week passed and your next-door neighbour's sexual activities began to last until the next morning, you understood that he was deliberately mocking you and, consequently, declaring war.
Now take a good look. You were a person known for your poise and calmness in overcoming challenges despite so much pressure, so it was expected that it’d be no different this time. Except it was. Because not even the calm and composure that the gods gave you could help you ignore the terrible moans in the next room, and the investment you put into that apartment was too high to let it go unnoticed.
And so, at 7:05 am on a Sunday morning, you found yourself in front of apartment 502' door knocking continuously on it as you waited not so patiently the willingness of your neighbour to finish his fuck and attend you. How a person managed to have so much sex drive was beyond your understanding, but perhaps this was due to the fact that your neighbour was an old and lonely man who must have found pleasure in the company of women only at night. Yes, that was a plausible reason.
In the end, you spent at least five minutes abusing the door’s wood without stopping. And just as you prepared to knock once more, it suddenly opened and the man who had tormented you all your nights had finally revealed himself.
Your impressions: Well, old he certainly was. Lonely? Hard to say. Now, unfairly hot and attractive? Unexpectedly yes.
When you came to your senses, you and the half-naked man spent a long time staring at each other in silence, absorbing each other's characteristics. You were clearly affected by his beauty and he was clearly irritated by your presence.
"Are you going to stare at me all the way, or are you going to say what you want?"
You blinked once, twice, three times until his words hit you, making you visibly red with embarrassment. How rude!
"First, good morning to you too," you said venomously, "Second, didn’t you read the letter, no? What part of not breaking the wall didn’t you get?"
The man seemed to take your words into consideration for a few seconds before a sneer appeared on his lips and his eyes narrowed in amusement. He leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms over his bare, scarred chest, making him more attractive than he already was.
"I don't see how this is up to you alone. After all, the wall is as much yours as it’s mine," he says and you open your mouth in shock.
"Excuse me? How can I not when it’s my side that is being damaged the most!"
"Then you better start looking for a bricklayer."
Gods, this man was impossible! You already knew that you hated him for a very insignificant reason, but now you were sure that he was more detestable than he let on. And the fact that he counts your arguments with that purposeful blank expression infuriated you even more.
"Unbelievable. Not only can't I keep my apartment intact, but I also have to spend sleepless nights because of the noise too."
"If the noise bothers you so much you can always come and join in," your neighbour offers with a small smirk, but the devilish glow that radiated from his crimson iris didn’t hide the true meaning behind his words.
Too embarrassed and disconcerted to continue the argument with the man, you angrily return to your house, slamming the door aggressively and containing the scream of frustration that bubbled in your chest.
Yingxing in turn couldn't help but think that you had a nice ass, and that annoy you was even better than he thought.
Jing Yuan
Two whole days looking for the letter all over your apartment took you to the most advanced stage of despair. Even though you had already ransacked your living room from floor to ceiling more times you could remember, messing up your kitchen and bedroom in the process, you still hadn't found a single trace of the piece of paper. And even though a part of you already knew that there was a high chance that the letter had been mixed in with the other correspondences and had been forwarded to its intended recipient, you'd rather have a hole in the ground swallow you than consider the only plausible option.
Even so, now here you found yourself: in front of the apartment 502’ door with a courage and pride that wasn't yours, sweat running down your spine and the dread of finally coming face to face with the man who not only ruined your last nights sleep, but who could very well ruin your social life too. God, just thinking that he could be a troublemaker and report you to the police, tarnishing your criminal record and your reputation as a good neighbor made you sick to your stomach.
But there was no other alternative. You had to make sure he hadn't opened the letter, or, in the worst case, consider not bringing this humiliation to the public.
So, minutes after knocking on the door, you were finally greeted by the resident of apartment 502 who, for much your surprise (or much delight) was wearing nothing but a bath towel with the steam's traces still emanating from his pale, wet skin. It suddenly became very clear to you why all those dozens of women made sure to scream “Oh, Jing Yuan!” every time they reached an orgasm.
"May I help you?"
Yeah. Fucking kill me, you wanted to answer.
The words you had practiced so much seemed to have escaped your brain and a familiar heat burned your cheeks. The embarrassment was huge, but you had already come this far and there was no going back. You only wished your neighbour wasn't this attractive, though.
"Hi. Good evening, sir. I’m your nextdoor neighbour and I wanted to know if by any chance you received a letter signed in my name", you stuttered so fast that you feared you’d have to repeat the sentence all over again since Jing Yuan didn’t seem to express any reaction for a few seconds.
As the realization hit him, though, a faint gleam of amusement crossed his golden irises and mortification hit you like a bolt of lightning.
Oh shit. He had read the letter.
"Just a moment, ma'am", Jing Yuan said with a playful smile on his lips and entered his apartment for a few seconds, returning shortly afterwards with the well-known envelope in hand.
He held out the letter and you trembled as you finally picked it.
"I can tell that this was not a letter intended to be sent, right?"
"No, it wasn't. And I'm so sorry for causing you so much trouble! God, what a humiliation! Now would be a great time to die", you pleaded into the void and your handsome neighbour laughed in response.
"It’s alright. You know, it's the first time I've received a letter from such a beautiful lady, although the content was definitely not what I expected", he said contemplatively crossing his huge arms on his huge chest. You looked away feeling more embarrassed, "Nevertheless, I also apologize for my lack of attention. I’ll be more considerate from now on."
If only it could get any worse. Here he was apologizing for having a healthy sex life when you should probably be doing the same. Having sex not apologizing, of course.
Fearing that if you said anything else your words would come out more clumsy than the erratic beating of your heart, you forced a smile to your neighbour who was now looking at you intensely in slight amusement. And realizing that if you stared back at the man for too long your role as a fool would only get worse, you came up with a quick excuse to escape from there and back to your apartment. Maybe your next letter would be a goodbye to the world because you refuse to leave your home from now on.
"Thank you for your attention and again I apologize for the confusion, Mr. Jing Yuan. It was great meeting you, really, but I need to go so have a good night and don’t mind me anymore," you bow quickly and respectfully as your face burned in red, and stumble on wobbly legs back to your door.
However, before you could enter your house due to fumbling with the wrong keys for the lock, Jing Yuan let out a light laugh and replied: “It was my pleasure to meet you, Miss Neighbour. Although, I must say that I would like to keep hearing more from you from now. This time, in person, of course."
Needless to say you entered your apartment at lightning speed vowing never to exit it again, leaving behind a very good-humored Jing Yuan.
How delightful to know that you already knew his name before he even needed to introduce himself, huh.
#honkai star rail#honkai star rail x reader#blade#blade x reader#jing yuan#jing yuan x reader#hsr#hsr x reader
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God the queer experience of meeting wonderful people who are actually kind, compassionate, and thoughtful. Becoming close friends. But still feeling this deep sense of otherness. This deep dissonance between you and them that stems from the fact that they have no idea who you are.
It fucking hurts to have these people hang out with you and like you, and knowing deep down that they won't like the REAL you, but instead this masked persona that you put up for the sake of your own safety. It hurts knowing that every time you talk to them, you know that they're talking to someone else. That someone else is pushing you back and making conversation with your friends. Stealing them from you.
And it's not like we have much choice. People constantly say oh find other queer people, oh just make trans friends, oh you need a community. As if it's that easy. As if we don't already desperately long for some form of recognition, of connection. As if we don't claw our hearts out every night because we want the space next to us to be occupied. To be understood. To be valued. To be worth a damn. To be loved. Some of us just don't have that choice.
It hurts that I can't be friends with these lovely people because of the hand I was dealt. And yeah, I'm ready to hear the "if they don't accept the real you, then they were never lovely people to begin with." True. That's true. But I'm not oblivious to the fact that if I was cishetallo then I would actually have friends. And feel known. And feel seen.
I know we're supposed to love ourselves no matter what and these days you'll basically be torn apart if you so much as insinuate that you're not proud of your identity. But goddammit I'm not. It's hard. And I know trans is beautiful. And queer is beautiful. And it's liberating. But I just wish they knew it too. And it's fucking lonely
#anyways this is my rant#ill be back to my bullshit by tommorow dw#queer#queer experience#ace#asexual#asexuality#aro#aromantic#aromanticism#trans#transgender#nonbinary#non binary#lgbtq#lgbtqia#lgbt pride#pride
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Seeing him tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
Pairing- nanami X reader
Chapter 1- Yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?
Synopsis- kento Nanami is your ex-boyfriend. He's cold, stoic, and more importantly, the crush of your new friend. Being the good friend you always are, you should keep your hands off him....but can you?
You and Nanami kento were that golden couple at jujutsu High. You made the monotonous man smile. He found his peace within you, the way you understood his wants and needs, how your lips curled into a perfect smile everytime you wished him 'morning' saying the same words ever so lovingly in his ears, he was mesmerised.
High-school nanami was emo. He hated loud parties, never spoke much, and was always tired. You, however, were the exact opposite, loved wild parties, spoke a lot, and were never tired from all the adventure jujutsu sorcery provided. The only thing you both enjoyed equally was poetry. Gojo always teased Nanami how him and you were polar opposites and how one day you might dump him for someone more like you. However, what actually happened was quite contrasting to Gojo's prediction. Nanami was the one who dumped you. Why? Because he wasn't sure if he could handle another heartbreak.
After haibara's death, nanami made sure to never get attached to anything. Attachment only leads to heartbreak, and that scared Nanami to the core. You, you were someone he deeply cared about, but he'll choose loneliness over attachment after all he's supposed to be that way, lonely, tired, and awaiting his death.
Months passed, and you both graduated. It's now been 3 whole years since your breakup. You heard nanami started working as a Salaryman, but rejoined as jujutsu sorcerer. You worked in the medical department alongside shoko and your friend Midori.
Gojo wouldn't shut up about how happy he was that "NANAMI FINALLY UNDERSTANDS WHERE HE BELONGS". That helped you in no certain way. Even after so many years, you felt anxious and nervous, just the thought of Nanami working in the same place as you made your stomach bubble. You hated to admit it, but you never truly moved on. How could you? He was everything you ever wished for. Your mind was overwhelmed with thousands of questions. "Should I go greet him?" "What if he gets awkward?" ..... "Should I call him kento or Nanami-san"....."is he seeing someone?", "what if he was married ?" ...
Hearing a knock on your door, you finally give rest to your thoughts. Opening the door you're met with a very tired looking shoko and behind her is Utahime and Midori.
Utahime gives you a smile while midori gets in blabbing something you're not really focused on. "You weren't there to greet him" said shoko catching you by surprise. "I thought he might get awkward seeing me so I stayed here."
Shoko and Utahime know you better, they can see you diverting your eyes whenever his name is mentioned, a little pink blush settling on your cheeks. Smug smiles on both their faces.
'Y/N...... do you know the grade 1 sorcerer who rejoined jujutsu high today? Oh my god he's a dreamboat!!!!' Midori squealed. You felt your heart sink, her eyes gleaming with excitement as she spoke about the blonde man. ......
After about an hour or so, Utahime decided to drag shoko and midori to principal Yaga's office to discuss a few things. "Least you can do is text him a greeting." Shoko whispered to you as they left, leaving you contemplating if you should text your ex boyfriend and friend's possible crush or not.
Texting the stoic sorcerer sounded like a bad idea but you had nothing to lose......
FUCK IT, IT'S FINE!!!
#Spotify#jujutsu nanami#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jjk smau#jjk drabbles#jujutsu sorcerer#jjk nanami#nanami kento#jujutsu kaisen#nanami smau#jjk x reader#jjk gojo#shoko ieiri#utahime iori#ask#request#jjk#jujutsu geto
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Mean Girls + Quotes Part 2
Find part 1 here
More quotes that remind me of mean girls characters and their various relationships :)
Regina
"i became bitter and untouchable. i craved affection but even the mere thought of someone caring made my stomach turn."
unknown
"i have survived everything but i fear that i cannot survive myself."
Cynthia Chapman
"was i raised without love? or was i born unlovable?"
unknown
"am i lonely because no one cares, or am i lonely because i'm not strong enough to let anyone get close enough to care?"
Rob Hill Sr.
"of course i look angry all the time. my entire life i've been fighting a war. i am soaked in pain and sadness. the irony however, is that i'm not actually angry, i'm trying to learn how to be happy. and that in itself is a war."
unknown
Cady
"i thought - i want to go home. i want to be in a place that feels like home. where that was, i did not know."
Katie Kitamura
"i understood myself only after i destroyed myself. and only in the process of fixing myself did i know who i really was."
Sade Andria Zabala
“do you ever wonder where you took a wrong turn? where your life became the exact opposite of what you wanted it to be?”
unknown
"i have always tried to make a home for myself, but i have not felt at home in myself."
Jeanette Winterson
Janis
"of course i'm angry. do you have any idea how many times someone should have helped me?"
unknown
"hurt an artist and you'll see masterpieces of what you've done."
unknown
"i don't feel guilt at being unsociable, though i may sometimes regret it because my loneliness is painful."
Susan Sontag
Gretchen
"what a sick little head, your love always turns into obsession."
unknown
"i don't think people love me. they love versions of me i have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. the easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love."
unknown
“i only know how to exist when i’m wanted.”
Mary Lambert
"i don't want to beg. i know you can feel it, my longing, the aching, my need for love. i don't want to beg. but oh god - oh god, please. please. love me. love me."
unknown
"for once i need to choose myself, or else i'm going to lose myself."
Veronika Jensen
Karen
“i believe in some blending of hope and sunshine sweetening the worst lots. i believe that this life is not all; neither the beginning nor the end. i believe while i tremble; i trust while i weep.”
Charlotte Brontë
Regina and Janis
"longing, how soft a word for such a ravenous feeling. how we hunger in silence."
Pavana
"dig your teeth into me. come on, i dare you. take a bite. open me up; raw and candy floss pink on the inside. make it hurt. i figure, you're going to hurt me one way or another. might as well be with your mouth."
Ashe Vernon
"i don't know what to do without you, i don't know where to put my hands."
unknown
"you are the knife i turn inside myself; that is love."
Franz Kafka
"i love you and i always will and i am sorry. what a useless word."
Ernest Hemingway
Regina and Cady
"i love you. i love you unconditionally. i loved you even in my ignorance. i loved you when i didn't even know. i just love you."
unknown
"and on some days, i wish our paths had never crossed because you don't know how heartbreaking it is to know that someone like you exists in this world and i cannot have you."
unknown
“i must have you exclusively, fiercely, possessively.”
Henry Miller
"i still haven't figured out how to sit across from you, and not be madly in love with everything you do."
William C. Hannan
“fuck my pride. fuck everything. i’m so desperately hungry for you.”
Henry Miller
Gretchen and Karen
"the way our fingers intertwine feels so natural and right; as if our hands hold memories of meeting in a thousand other lifetimes."
John Mark Green
"when i think of life, i think of you. when i think of love, i think of you. safe to say that i really like thinking about life with you."
unknown
"come on, dance with me. the earth is spinning. we can't just stand on it."
Dino Ahmetovic
Regina and Gretchen
"i suffer in my loving, and you know it."
Willa Cather
"i loved you to the point of ruin. i loved you until my lungs were filled with ash."
Tina Tran
#managed to make this shorter than part 1#mean girls#mean girls 2024#mean girls musical#regina george#cady heron#janis imi'ike#janis sarkisian#janis ian#regina x janis#renee rapp#cadina#rejanis#reneé rapp#fetchen#regina x cady#karen x gretchen#gretchen wieners#karen shetty#karen smith#regina x gretchen#andi speaks
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batfamily fic recs where someone from the batfamily kills a person (or jason kills the joker)
bury the dead where they're found by withthekeyisking
Dick's little brother is dead, and he can't stop thinking about all the other people who have died because of the psychopaths that run rampant in Gotham. Can't stop thinking about how many more will die in the future. Can't help but remember that quote: If there's something wrong, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action.
AKA the Joker kills Jason Todd, and Dick isn't going to let that slide.
T | No Archive Warnings Apply | Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson/Koriand'r
Swimming in a Sea of Expectations by withthekeyisking
Dick looks down at his blood-covered gloves and has no idea what to do now.
M | Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Dick Grayson/Slade Wilson
zero at the bone by Anonymous
Dick has killed thirteen people by the time he calls Jason.
M | Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Dick Grayson/Jason Todd
lonely town by TheResurrectionist
Bruce doesn’t kill the Joker.
But that was Dick’s little brother, damn it.
Not Rated | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne
World Gone MAD by Havendance
Ask the GCPD about the Joker’s death, and they’ll tell you he died of natural causes. Ask the Justice League, and they’ll tell you that it’s a matter that’s been resolved internally. Ask Batman and he won’t give you an answer, because he’s Batman. The truth of the matter, however, is this: Dick Grayson beat the Joker to death.
[Or: A few months after the death of the Joker, Tim Drake comes to Haly’s Circus, looking for Dick Grayson.]
G | No Archive Warnings Apply | Tim Drake & Dick Grayson
so, you've killed the joker by stupidandsad
Jason’s mouth is dry and his blood just starting to clot when he shoots the Joker in the head.
The Joker’s neck whips back, and before it can right itself, Jason shoots the Joker in the head again.
OR
Jason kills the Joker, and everything that comes next.
T | Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain & Jason Todd
Living is Harder by Sohotthateveryonedied
Tim drops the knife like it’s white-hot. Oh, god. Oh, god.
Tim did this. He was…he didn’t mean it. He didn’t. He would never. But the man was on top of him and Tim couldn’t breathe, and…he didn’t mean it.
T | No Archive Warnings Apply | Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Sins of the Brother by Myrime
“Do you have a death wish, Replacement?” Red Hood asks him as he advances on the rooftop.
All Tim knows is that he cannot go home and that he’d rather deal with torture at Red Hood’s hands than to face Bruce and be thrown out of his home.
“I killed someone.”
T | No Archive Warnings Apply | Tim Drake & Jason Todd
with crimson hands by envysparkler
It was always quieter on a new moon night. Jason knows to expect the lingering fog of death. But he’s definitely surprised by where it comes from.
M | Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne
Watch Me Fall by Nanimok
After an encounter leaves Tim reeling, he begins to question about what it means to be a hero and what it takes to protect the people of Gotham.
Slowly, Tim understands Jason a little better.
M | No Archive Warnings Apply | Tim Drake/Jason Todd
dirty work by Goldmonger
The man holding Damian flexed, and the boy made a noise Alfred had never heard from him before. He was gasping, his congested lungs making him hack, making him whimper against his will. His eyes were streaming. Master Damian’s eyes. Master Damian, who never cried.
*
There's no such thing as murder in war. Alfred learned that a long time ago.
T | Graphic Depictions Of Violence | Alfred Pennyworth & Everyone, Alfred Pennyworth & Jason Todd
Too Much Fucking Salt by pez_the_platypus
A rural housewife instinctively understood the law of quantity into quality. Add a pinch of salt to a soup and it tasted better; add one pinch too many and you ruined the batch. Jason had been in limbo for a year and a half, trusting things would get better even though everything just seemed to be getting worse. It was something small that set him off, but really, it was an accumulation of a lot of things that led to this. He was going to kill the Joker.
M | Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death | Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Roy Harper & Jason Todd, Batfamily Members & Jason Todd, Joker (DCU) & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Roy Harper, Gotham City & Jason Todd
#dc#dc comics#batman#batfamily#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#barbara gordon#fanfiction#fanfic#fic recs#fic rec#fanfic recs#fanfic rec
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Hi, if there is (going to be) an essay on lighthouse/kraken to mermaid evolution will you share it with us?
Wish you a wonderful evening!
& @roseinmyhand
awww don't enable me (jk I love to be enabled)
I know people like to interpret the Kraken/Lighthouse metaphor as a dichotomy between Ed and Stede - dark vs light, depth vs surface, the coast vs the open sea, the unknown vs the guide, and so on. We like it when characters contrast, and so, compliment and complete each other.
But I think the Kraken and the Lighthouse are codifications of the similarities Ed and Stede share. Emotionally, both struggle with the same thing: loneliness, denial of personhood, the feeling of not being understood and truly seen.
Lighthouses are heavily associated with isolation. The job of a lighthousekeeper is a lonely one; he is supposed to keep his post no matter what, to set aside his own needs and comforts to provide a service to the people who might - not even are, might! - be out there, looking for his light. There is a reason lighthouses are haunted places, associated with madness. Isolation will literally cause lasting psychological damage, and the one who locks himself in this tower to make sure the coasts are safe to sail risks his life, his health, his sanity in service to others.
This is what Stede sees himself as: Someone who is trapped by duty to perform a role that slowly kills him. And even though both the priest who introduces this metaphor into his life and Mary talk about them being lighthouses for each other, Stede says he alone was supposed to be one for my family. Even in this huge estate, with all the comfort money can buy and surrounded by his beautiful family, he feels cast out and disconnected. What he wants, his own happiness, is unimportant, only that he fill the role society has cast him in, no matter how painful he finds it.
And then there's Ed. Ed who, at first glance, seems to have everything anyone could want, too. His name alone strikes fear into the heart of anyone who hears it, he is successful beyond the wildest imagination. He has respect and reputation; by all metrics he truly made it. But he, too, is unable to really connect to anyone. He has no peers on his own ship and the one person who should be his confidant and right-hand man rejects him when he wants to share his thoughts and interests. Nobody really seems to care about Ed. People care about Blackbeard, care about him being a good pirate, and he is good at it! He doesn't feel crushed and suffocated in his life as Stede does in his. But we should not forget that this is not a life Ed chose for himself. He was pushed into it at a very young age, by a horrible act he felt he had no choice but commit.
Away from the cosmos of his own ship and crew, people do not even really see him as human. He is a fucking viking vampire clown, a bloodthirsty killer, spawn of the devil, his eyes are coal and his head is smoke. The whole time he knew Stede, he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, was waiting for him to see what he really is (a monster, that's what people like Stede always end up thinking), and then when he seems to do just that? When Stede rejects him, after he has layed himself bare, after he just started to believe that here might be one who really gets him, like no one has before?
Ed just sees proven true everything he has always believed about himself. He isn't a person who can have fine things, sweet and gentle things, the world will never let him have them. It wants to dehumanize him? Fine, let them do that, he will become the thing under your bed, the creature that drags innocent sailors into the depths. He will never win acceptance, let alone love, but he can force people to fear him and by whatever god is listening, that's what he will do. He will retreat into the dark abyss, alone, because a legendary monster needs no company, and feels no heartache.
One might see how both these ways of conceptualizing the self through metaphor might be a little bit maladaptive.
So. Mermaids.
A lot of people (especially children and teenagers) who are marginalized and/or feel disconnected from their peers will develop a fondness for certain mythological creatures at some point in their lives. Witches, faeries, vampires, mermaids. Creatures that are almost human, but not quite. A thing that moves like you and speaks like you but isn't you - a thing that's strange and alien.
A creature walking among the humans undiscovered.
Mermaids especially have stories of that sort associated with them. A beautiful person with an ethereal singing voice, that will eat you if you dare get too close. A pretty maiden at the dance, the hem of her dress perpetually wet: If you go home with her, she will drag you to the bottom of the river. Someone who sheds their scales like a mantle, whose touch will always be cold, who may have a tail and fish skin only once a month, a year, a decade, and who will leave you if you ever dare to see the true form of them.
Creatures that make ships crack up on the rocks.
And yet. That are social and never alone, are they? Beautiful and mysterious, feared, but it's a fear tinged with admiration, with envy. With their own societies, their homes that can't be reached by air-breathing folk. Mermaids are creatures both of the depths and the surface, who live as they please. Who are ungovernable.
This, I think would make for a beautiful resolution to both Ed's and Stede's character development. Reject the expectations that hurt you, embrace the weird and strange (the queer things) about yourself, but recognize there are people who will be your allies if you let them. Society thinks you are a monster (and I think it's significant that they both get called monstrous), let them think it. It doesn't mean they are right when they call you worthless. You will find your own gang of monsters to be weird and terrifying together.
#basically!#you can integrate your feelings of monstrosity into your personality without it being toxic to your community ya feel#you can eat your enemies and still have friends#& i just think blackbonnet should be unhinged and a horror to witness. together <3#thoughts#cakeeatingwingedcat#message#stede bonnet#edward teach#our flag means death
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ok ok ask game time
if you want Bee you can write for him too
im most curious about Starscream, Megatron and Optimus and maybe Jazz! choose which ones you'll like talking about, im just brainstorming myself
Ooooh all good picks!! Thank you, friend! :D
I love talking about TF so so much!! Although this made me realize I have to start reading Robots in Disguise AKA the other side of IDW.
Starscream:
one aspect about them i love: He's a menace, he's got trauma, he's wild and obsessive, he's fuckin SMART, he's the whole package! But on top of it all, he's a sad, lonely, poor little meow meow who in the end is really trying to do good by his Planet. I will fight on this.
one aspect i wish more people understood about them: He's legit smart. He's a scientist. He's got that curiosity and skill. He's not the 2nd in Command and Seeker Commander for nothing. He also knows EXACTLY what to say to get someone to do what he wants them to. He's good at words.
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: He.. does care about his trine and fellow seekers.. They're not just canon fodder. Especially his trine. He's that bitchy friend that will may bitch about you occasionally but will pull the fuck up when you need him.
one character i love seeing them interact with: Bumblebee. Absolutely LOVE the duo they make. The banter, the ''i can make him better/worse'' vibes, enemies to friends? Beautiful.
one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: Again, Bee. I got it once and I want more. I crave it like I crave candy.
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: He has read all of Thundercracker's writing and has a datapad full of them that he keeps. He's too proud to admit it, but will slip up and mention something from them to TC who is mind blown but excited to talk about it all. He also does get wrapped into prank wars with Skywarp, whether out of annoyance, anger or just camaraderie, no one knows.
Megatron:
Okay, listen, I'm probably the only one in the fandom that thinks this, but I don't like Megatron much. G1 Megatron is the only likable one. Now don't come at me saying ''OH but BBDW!! What about Earthspark Megs?!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was excited for him because I love that actor, but I saw too much about him and it squashed it. He gets one more chance, thats it. I saw that goddamn field of blue in MTMTE and that was it. Nail in his coffin for me. Don't come at me, I'm full of unpopular opinions I won't change my mind on. But ya'll enjoy your war criminal and remember to have fun with it.
Optimus:
(I am only in the first season of G1 and have barely read enough IDW comics with him in it, so this is really a combo of G1 and Earthspark!)
one aspect about them i love: He's a dad. He's fully a dad. Caring, hopeful, optimistic, lifting. God he's such a dad! The way he can keep the Autobot's heads up and strong? Love it, appreciate it.
one aspect i wish more people understood about them: I think we all understand Mr. Optimus fine. I do wish IDW understood the memo on Dad-timus Prime though.
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: Still forever trying to get his kids to get along. Forever trying to teach Rodimus how to be a Prime. He may not understand the new kid slang, but he does understand their feelings and rowdiness. He will indulge them.
one character i love seeing them interact with: Anyone, everyone.. All of them. Is that an answer?
one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: I wanna see him interacting more with the Terrans in Earthspark! Let the Dad-timus come through!!!
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: G1 Optimus takes the younger bots out for fun all the time. Listen I just.. He's a giant dad, okay? That's my FATHER, your honor.
Jazz:
Okay another one I don't know too too much about..
one aspect about them i love: Jazz is so cool! He loves culture, he love music, he loves sharing that with Earth! He really sees the best in everyone too, but don't let it fool you, he's still Special Ops.
one aspect i wish more people understood about them: I don't know much about him or understand much about him, what would ya'll want ME to understand? He seems ever evolving!
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: Silly guy, goofy guy, but definitely the one you go to for deep conversations late at night or around a campfire. He's like the cool Uncle that takes you to fun concerts when your parents say no.
one character i love seeing them interact with: This is really general because I'm drawing a blank but seeing the Special Ops vs the Wreckers stuff is really interesting to me. Jazz vs Kup in All Hail Megatron? Interesting. Tell me more.
one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: I look forward to seeing other interactions he has in canon! I'm not very far in G1 or the comics, soooooooooo.. I'm excited. I really like Jazz!
one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: Aaaahhh I don't know, sorry. :'(
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Your Result: the antihero
ah yes, hello edge lord. it is lovely to see you again. you my dear, are the incarnation of duality, and you might think of claws and venom mixed with grace but alas, nothing near as poetic. you my friend, are mixture of what is seen as right, and what is questioned. you follow the path of your own two feet, you know the twists and turns of life's forests quite well if I do say so myself. and you can meander along them wonderfully. you strive to stay true to a certain sense of principles you might call your code, but whereas in reality, those would be your morals. people tend to see you as strange. sharp edged and glinting you hide behind a cloak of chain mail but really you just prefer to show off your imperfections first. unlike many who scramble to make it as if their flaws never existed, you proudly raise yours up. saying, "this is me, this is the worst of me, now you know what to expect." and might I say, it is quite an intriguing mindset, for truth be told, the ones that love your spikes and craters are the ones who appreciate your softness the most. you wish not to be loved as something lovable, but as a monster. for aren't we all just beasts in human skin? you are brave, but you are lonely. you know quite well how to scare off most, making even the heroes with the boldest bravado creep away with their tails between their legs. you are not a villian, sometimes you play the part a bit too well. but nevertheless you are no hero either. you put yourself first, but if one wins your trust then may the gods have mercy on those who might wrong them. you long to be a poetic mess of sorts, and well, if the ink sets in long enough you might just become that sooner or later. but for one who is so dead set on truth you sure do hide a lot don't you? please, step out of the shadows, there is a difference to not making your flaws visible and to simply acting as if you're the most despicable person in all the realms. it's because you're afraid of attachment is it not? well let me tell you a little secret, everyone is. you say you wish to be left alone for eternity but than why are you craving connection. you wish to be known and understood truly, but you snarl and push the ones that might be trying away. please little wolf, accept you are lovable. you are not some ravenous beast that terrifies the multitudes, sure, you are not for the faint of heart but that does not make you an inkling less perfect as you are. young antihero, step into the sun. you would do better actually reaching for the things you want rather than pining for them in the darkness.
((Guess who else feels a little too called out to post! Especially by that last half. He sure fucking snort-laughed at "hello edge lord" tho))
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up rn thinking about how i wish i could have deep connections with people and also thinking about how i'm trying to be seen by people so bad like i wanna be seen and understood so badly because i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone and i'm so lonely and like god i don't even know (well also my ex plays alot into this but i don't wanna get into that rn) like it's just so sad bwcause i know having proper close friends could help me so much and improve my life quality but i cannot. maintain friendships in ways people like even if i really wish i could and it makes me so sad because i hate dissapointing everyone and i hate that i am this way.
but also. i understand that i need time to recharge from socializing and that should be respected etc but i also hate how bad it has gotten and it's literally all my fault too and like on top of me having a hard time i also feel so much shame for just existing and being seen too because well i feel unlovable and i'm insecure about every single thing i do even just the way i walk or the groceries i buy or other insignificant stuff fjfhdhdj
and i ALSO feel like even if i really do wanna become closer friends with so many people i always get scared that people will realize that i'm actually really not fun to be around and take things very literally and can't even hold conversations and i offer like absolutely nothing because i'm depressed and my life sucks and i have a bad memory and i have never experienced anything interesting in my life because my parents always isolated me from everyone and Now i just have to fucking unlearn that and i have to just fucking deal with all this shit all by myself oh my god that's so cool And btw should Hang myself ?
#so like even if i were to befriend people what do i even have to offer. people are always interesting#and have interesting life stories and interesting quirks and unique characteristics. and i'm not one of those people#and i wish people could like me for just the way i am which is lame. and boring and. not funny and really dumb but#that is fucking insane to ask for like duh people will not wanna stick around for Random loser girl with no personality number 62. GET OUT ‼#idek what to think bro.
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Coming out and what followed: my experience
tw: vent,biphobia,guilt,mentions of transphobia (non-binary centric), homophobia,and suicidal thoughts.
It was almost two years ago,and yeah,it didn't went as expected.
I came out to my mom as bi,she said things like "you're just confused" "how can you say that?" and,my personal favourite(/s) "is because something I did?" (as if my bisexuality was a product of her raising me wrong or something)
at the end she was,supposedly, "open to the idea that I might be bi" but I just knew she still thought I was confused, actually, she said it herself: "I'm really wishing that you're just confused,otherwise,well,I guess I'll have to accept it" (as if my bisexuality was a deathly illness and she had to go through like, the 5 stages of grief before accepting it)
and to say that her reaction fucked me up wouldn't be surprising to anyone,she shattered almost every ounce of confidence I had in my identity and my hope for the future (now I can't say I'm bi out loud without crying),imagine how I felt when she reacted that way to me coming out as bi,I could only think "if this is how she reacts to my sexuality, what would happen if she knew I'm trans? genderfluid? maybe greyromantic? (I was still questoning I belive)" even if she said she still loved me, I was devastated.
I'm not going to talk in depth about the six months of daily suicidal and self-destructive thoughts, I'm just going to say: my mental health was really damaged (I'm better now,but I'm easily triggered,I need therapy)
a lot of conversations later,she apologized for everything she said,even if she insisted she didn't remember everything she said (how can you be genuinely sorry for something you don't even remember?,how can you forget the words that make my life hell?) and she said that I should be more sympathetic to her,that I should be more understanding of her because she grew up in a time when none of this things were normalized, that she's trying her best,and I get it but I just can't I can't forgive her I can't I can't- and I feel so guilty for it because she loves me but that is not enough,I feel guilty for feeling this way because I love her too,so much,I can't not love her.
but she has to calm herself down when I say I'm bi,she gasped in horror when I mentioned to her that I had kissed a girl before, and then just tried to convince herself that it was just because I was "young and curious and confused", she says she accepts me now but I don't think she's ever tried to educate herself more about bisexuality or how to support me better.
have you ever met someone who's a good person but the only thing they have wrong is that they are (however mildly or strongly) queerphobic? and because it affects you you suddenly can't see that person in the same light but you feel bad because you really liked that person?
anyways,she also discovered that I'm aromantic through my old twitter account,but I don't think she really understood what that means (which,I honestly prefer,I can't imagine how she'll react to knowing that I'm not romantically attracted to people but I still feel sexual attraction)
and in one conversation we were having the topic of nonbinary people came out and even when I tried to explain it to her she said: "if they're not woman,or men,what are they, animals?" (as if our gender is the thing that makes us human) and at that moment I knew that if I tried to come out as genderfluid to her,she wouldn't understand it.
the worst thing is that she may be the best reaction I get from someone of my family,my aunt is religiously homophobic (god created man and woman blah blah blah),my family from my father's side (and himself) are as well,my mom's cousins may be more understanding,but I honestly can't bring myself to trust anyone of my family with this after what happened with my mom
I don't know how to end this,I just feel really lonely and like everyone I'll ever meet will be mildly queerphobic at best and that I'll never get to be fully comfortably myself with someone.
#vent#tw vent#tw sui ideation#coming out#biphobia#bisexual#genderfluid#nonbinary#personal#raysaystuff#aroallo
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sorry this is a day late but i love talking about ocs with people! ok so former nun who was turned into a vampire against her will in the victorian era and is a cabinet of dr caligari style blood thrall assassin for another vampire and she falls in love with his dhampir daughter who shes tasked with kidnapping in the 80s but is very bad at expressing it normally lol, she's also six feet tall and goth, she has stigmata wounds, and lives in highgate cemetery. her name is rowan and she's my blorbo.
NO its totally okay im always willing to do these OC asks, i've just been super busy with work the last couple days hehehe
but god i love that, that's so cool?? i think she's absolute blorbo material, and i love the detail in her story, i can tell there's a lot to it and i think that's just so very fascinating and cool. also she just sounds massively cool and i would love to hang out with her ;;;
i also have a vampire blorbo that i don't talk about much, but she's in my partner's book series!! her name is matilda, she was born in the mid 15th century in modern-day transylvania. she was turned against her will the night after he wedding, and was only 21 when she died.
despite the fact that she's very young, she's obviously lived a lot of (un)life and is now very chic grandma. one of her biggest themes is kind of...exploring how she feels she was robbed of the ability to have a family of her own, and robbed of Dying A Good Death. she's cared for SO many babies, children, even adults who were in need of nurturing and care. but the issue is that in being immortal, you will inevitably have to watch the ones you love die around you, and she's buried more children and people she's cared for than she can count. she's a perpetual carer, in a lot of ways.
i think in some aspects i wanted to explore with her the trope of "woman who can't have babies whos really fucked up about it" and sort of like. turn it on its head in some ways? she can't have children of her own, physically, and she's come to terms with that mostly. its just constantly losing those she cares about, inevitably, whether it be age, sickness, or any other manner of death. she really prefers not to sire vampires (or wights, as they're called within the series), i think, because it's a painful and lonely existence for her. she wouldn’t really wish that on someone else, unless they fully understood the consequences.
thank u so much for the ask!!! always feel free to tag me in rowan stuff bc she sounds badass and i love her 🥺💖
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i tremble and panic when remembering what my life will be. im scared and lonely and i dont want anything else, just to see my family and home. for some reason i feel like in mt first days here, and even then it wasnt that bad. im afraid of the idea that i have to get used to this. i don t find living in the apartments and going to work that scary but still just understanding of how life plays with me makes me feel misserable. oh how i wish i never looked up this university in google, when i was lying in my warm bed at the winter, excited, because i found western university that will bring me to my dreams and actually is afordable for my family. i feel so stupid and im so sorry dad i am you spend so much money on me and im not even grateful. this fucker oh fuck he asks if 2 pm is okay for me. i dont think any pm is okay for me. i think tomorrow will be horrible. i dont think he thinks of me in a romantic way, he has some chicks name in his user name sticker. i fucking hate him. but i wish he could comfort me. he probably doesnt care in the slightest ab me. for some reason i kinda feel like omori? is this a strange reference idk. well omori song just started playing so i thought of it. i feel like i dont really should be in this world. i want to come back to what it used to be. i guess a lot of people think about the same things but uh yeah. i guess tomorrows gonna be awful. i really dont want to see him espercially this early but i have to get out of the house, it will fucking eat me alive. i must have studied a lot today but ima lazy ass and cryed all day. i hate that the idea of crying is so normalized today. its like oooh i cried because of this dead pigeon!! wtf no i believe tears are not for this. people cry when they experience strong emotions. my other roommate is singing songs in the shower god i hate her. its 9 pm btw. she screams like a pig. sometimes she is nice and i truly believe she is a nice person. i still hate her and would like to see her dead. but no right now. im not that angry right now. when i think of my mom i start to cry. i miss her so much. it was always like this when i was a kid, i would always cry when i was at sleepovers. i dont know why, its a strange feeling. it is reallt strange. when im okay i dont even want to talk to her, its like i dont have a lot of stimuli to do so? but when i feel bad the only oerson i want to call is her. i guess shes the only one who i believe would reallt care. not even my best friend who i would always call the best person in my life. im just a bad person. when she tells me that something happened to her im always kinda happy it happened. its not always like this but sometimes i feel like oh lol ye u deserved it bc there is enough good in ur life. im just an awful always jelous person. i guess world would be a better place without people like me. people like me are the people who shoot schools. i would be happier if it uh fuck again its like when u remembering something like just spontaneus and u immediately start to cry and tremble and like idk feel bad? i feel so so so homesick. i didnt feel that homesick at the start and here i am after 3 months here. i really love my parents and actually my home i am so sorry that i never told anyone this or idk oh god im so so sorry i never respected never understood. i guess its just that im homesick and my home isnt that good but tbh i cant of a thing better rn than my home. fuck any other place. fuck heaven. i just wish i could my cat and my mom sitting and talking loud at 7 am when the sun is rising with her mom and she will make me awake and i will go and ask her to be quiet really angryshly and she will go to her room and i will try to sleep again but now i cant so i smoke my vape and browse through tiktok, lying in underwear and some t shirt, then my cat will come to me and start meowing for me to play with him, i will annoignly play alittle bit with him and then proceed to do my every day morning chores. but summer in my country when u have friends is amazing. i mean my city. okay i will end now to mush words
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See lately i've been drifting away, with nightmares a bunch of demons in a fiery place
I try to keep all the fakes and haters out of my face, i know that i'm a good dude i feel like such a disgrace
And sometimes i just want to keel over and die, don't let it show too much in public but i'm dying inside
I wonder when i'm in the car if this will be my last ride i feel like
Running far away and finding somewhere to hidе
In reality i'm miserable likе most of the time but i keep pushing because i want to hit the point where i shine
I want to find myself a woman that i want to hold and call mine.. they get to know me then they leave me at the drop of a dime
And it hurts, realistically what hurts me the worst
People really only like me 'cause the sound of my verse
I'm badly wounded on the inside and i need me a nurse, see i done felt like this forever and it feels like a curse
A lot of people come around and really think that they know me, i smile all the time but they don't know that it's phony
The groupies always telling me they wish they could blow me
But that ain't what i want so i just keep being lonely and i.... am really fucked up in the head, i couldn't think of a better way for it to be said
I wasn't joking and if you heard me say that i wish that i was dead, but i don't want to go to hell 'cause i put one in my head
With that said keep it honest in the future i might
I'm sick of living in this darkness always searching for light
It's like the good and evil inside of me just constantly fight
I fill myself with drugs and alcohol to get through the night
And in reality i live my life with so much pain, since all my people passed away this shit just ain't been the same
A lot of folks i keep around think that this life is a game
My body's filled with so much hatred really i'm just ashamed
In my brain a lot of days i just don't know what to do
My question is how would you feel if all these thoughts were in you
When people never understood all of the hell you been through
So when they're mad or get depressed they come and throw it on you, it happens every single day and i just feel so weak
Like my emotions could explode because they're close to their peak
I sit and listen quietly and try not to make a peep, but in my head i'm freaking out and i'm just ready to tweak
I hate to say it but i'm honest. this is how i feel
I know a lot will probably hate me because i'm keeping it real
I'm like a fish that just got hooked i'm trying to fight with the reel
Only human so i had to come and tell you the deal, until today a lot of people didn't know that i'm stressed
They have a misconception that i have an "s" on my chest, i try to keep it positive and always hope for the best, but if you take a look inside you'll see i'm super depressed
It's been a while now that i just chose to keep this hidden
I did a lot of stupid shit that i wish that i didn't
It's been a shitty fucked up road that i've sat and just ridden
A lot of people probably hope that it's a joke and i'm kiddin'
But to be truthful there's a lot of times i just wanna cry, i feel like life is such a hassle i just wish i would die
I sit and think of shit that happens to me wondering why, that's probably the biggest reason why i keep getting high
It's all day and all night and all year that i struggle, with all this shit that's in my head that i just sit and i juggle
I sit and wait for other pieces of my life to just crumble
It's like i'm trapped inside my head and i can't get out of the rubble, and realistically i know this sounds so bad
See i can't help that every day that i'm awake that i'm sad, i sit and dwell cause growing up i really hated my dad
But in reality i'm thankful for the mother i had
See i was raised inside a christian home
It's really crazy that it's daily that i'm in the corner holding my phone
Contemplating thinking should i put a slug in my dome, or pray to god for all these demons to just leave me alone
I sit and wonder how my life's gonna end
I'm like a monster in a world that's full of angels i'm just trying to blend
And even though these people say that they're my friend
I understand that they just want what they can get and that it's really pretend
My whole life i've had a hatred for people
It fucking blows my mind that people can't just treat others with equal, and even though i sit at church while i pray in the steeple
I've always had a little feeling that everybody is evil
That's just life in the way i perceive
I stoop and think about my kin that passed away and take a second to grieve
And even though at times i wish i could leave
It's in my head then i should take a sec to chill and take a second to breathe, but all i feel is the hate
I pray to god everybody relates, and as i sit and get baked trying to maintain my faith i pray to god everybody relates.....
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im coming down from a weak and lame high and my period started so im all emotional and i just gotta get all my emotion out while i can feel it at all.
TW VENT
i am so lonely. my boyfriend and i dont communicate well at all but we just got together and i shouldnt have accepted but i did so i feel too bad to break up with him. i dont love him. i like him as a friend, but nothing more. the only reason i really hung out with him anyway was a mutual friend and the fact that i felt skinnier around him. my best friend at school spends tons of time talking with him and theyre each others best friends. i want romance so bad. i want the feeling that not allowed makes me feel. i want to be understood and loved and i want to cry into someones shoulder and have them stroke my hair and tell me its not my fault my life is falling apart and that its okay to need a break. i cant be vulnerable to either of my parents and im not close enough with any of my friends to be open about my life with them. even my art teacher, the person i would probably be most comfortable talking about this with, is a mandatory reporter so i cant tell him about half of my problems. maybe i should just have him ask my parents to admit me. i might fare better in the loonhouse, honestly. i have nobody.
half of my life is crumbling, my and my mom's housemate who we depend on for half of rent has terminal cancer. in 2-3 months we're going to have to find a room mate or we wont be able to make rent for the last 6 months of the lease. after those 6 months well almost certainly have to move somewhere. i stay with my mom half time. i really want to live with my dad full time but i cant exactly tell my mother who is already convinced everyone wants to leave her that i want to leave her too. she has hurt me so much. she deadnames me every time i see her. she gave me this disorder and probably more im too numb to realize im losing to.
i get high so often just to cope with all this that im almost out and i barely get high at all anymore. i genuinely dont know what ill do. i wont make it through a month long t-break. i need to get more or find a different coping mechanism. i cant quit. i wont be open about my age here but i am definitely too young to be smoking pot and far far too young to be dependent on it. god i wish i could be a normal teenager. my memory is completely fried and i cant even remember what i was doing 2 hours ago 90% of the time. its my reputation at school, laid back forgetful stoner kid. its a cry for help is what it is, that i cant get through even 4 days without having to drown my problems in drugs. i wish my friends would notice instead of thinking im funny. im really fucking struggling. i tried alc a few days ago and i know its only a matter of time before i get addicted to that too.
both my households are broke. my dad has a good job and hes still more broke than normal. my mom put all our money into govt bonds, then our housemate got injured at work and had to stay home. he never healed because shocker, he has cancer. he probably wont live past february.
im so fucking bad at being ano. i binge almost every time i smoke from munchies and impaired decision making. i barely lose any weight because of it. ill restrict all day then i smoke to settle down and i eat everything and then wake up with my progress ruined feeling gross. the worst part is that i forced myself into this as punishment for being fat. i didnt develop it. something in my crazy ass brain decided to indulge in my self hatred and just opt for dying over self love and healthy weight loss. worst yet is that i forced myself into it and i cant even stick to it. im a fucking failure. i cant love myself and i cant fix myself. im just doomed to hate my current form that i cant shake because i cant restrict low enough for change. i want to sew my lips shut and live in my room living off of vape and black coffee like the good obedient people in thinspi. they have discipline. theyre skinny. theyre loved. theyre worshipped. they have everything i want. i try so hard to be good. i try so hard. most of my day is spent thinking about my weight and calories and how much i burn walking around vs sitting down. im gonna be home for 2 weeks in a few days and i am not going to lose any weight the whole time because i have no discipline and ill be home all day.
a few days ago in math class i got so fed up i took a pencil and scratched my skin until it was a bright red scrape. i was clean for like 6 months. and now i want to do it more, as a punishment. i want to be visually sick. i want people to look at me and want to help me, ask me if im doing okay, offer me a granola bar because i look faint. i want to look as sick as i feel. i feel pressured to sh because its the only way to show how fucked up i am on the inside. its another cry for help. its just another example of me wanting to sit in between recovery and death.
and lastly, i forgot my phone at my dads house and we never went to get it. this is how i felt all of 2020 when my phone got taken away because i was too tired and depressed to get any work done. its fucking terrible. now its almost 6 in the morning and i have to be up by 10am to get it, fuck fuck fuck. whatever. im about to fall asleep. thats enough girlblogging. goodnight/morning tumblr.
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4.28.2022
I cried today. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (16th time now), and I couldn’t help but feel like I fucked up somewhere. This movie is and always has been a comfort movie for me. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I got on VR today and that was cool. That’s where I watched the movie at. I can’t help but feel like I miss Leo. I know, it’s stupid. I’m out of his boundaries, I deserve better than him. The way he treated me, the gaslighting- God. I wish it was as simple as just “forgetting”, similar to the movie. But, just like the movie portrays, I think I’d be too scared to lose all of my memories. Is it Leo that I’m missing? I’ve been making sure I’ve been hanging out with people essentially nonstop, or sleeping until someone can hang out. Is that bad? What is healthy coping? How do you get over someone, normally? Idk, did I ever get over my long term ex? I’m positive I did, in the terms of ever dating him again, I definitely gave up on that idea. Do you ever just stop loving someone, or stop thinking about them? I know it gets less frequent, but like- certain movies, certain shows. Why would my brain associate with them? Is it for relativity? Maybe, I think so. I think it hurt(s) so bad with Leo, because for the first time in my entire life, I felt like someone understood me. He didn’t. It sure felt like he did, but he didn’t. I only *felt* like that, that’s not how it truly was. Silly me. What a genuine guy, I think. We fought over the stupidest shit. There’s no reason I should feel like it’s solely my fault, even though any time I pointed out a flaw in his argument or how he was behaving, instead of fixing it, he would simply just point fingers right back at me. And while, yes, I, too, fucked up: it never made sense to just, flip the table and point at me. Point at me **before** or**after** I confront you about something, so it doesn’t seem like you’re just shifting blame. It’s so strange. I don’t need him, but I do miss his company. You know, I say that but, is it really his company that I loved so much? I’m not entirely sure. Company is nice to have around when you’re a lonely soul, but I don’t think his company was all too different from anyone else’s. That’s a lie, and I know that. As I was typing that entire sentence out, I remembered the feeling of having his company and how different it was. It’ll do me no good to pretend I didn’t love him, or that I didn’t enjoy having him around. Because I did. I’m thankful for the memories I have with him, and I’ll cherish them for a long time. But, I gave him a second chance already, so I need to move on.
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