and obviously this is by far the least important part of ANY of this, but i'm going to pretty strongly dissociate myself from anything relating to that smp-- mostly for my own mental health (again, not to center myself here). as for CS, i would like to continue it, though obviously the disclaimers again will be heavy. it is a story i wrote to cope with abuse, and if fanworks like that are called to be stopped then i will obviously rethink things. but i will give it a lot of time to figure out how to meaningfully create something from a piece of media created by unfathomably shitty people, and i'd like to be able to continue writing for the message that CS was set to convey.

again, this is not the focus of the conversation, but i just wanted to say that since i am online for once and i figure i may get an ask or two about it.

every time i'm reminded of the fact that daniel howell, amazingphil, and danandphilgames has full captions i want to kiss those men on my mouth (and all of their team who does the captions)

writers and artists and analysts and editors and ziners and cosplayers. people who make playlists and people who write lore/stream summaries and people who create knitted/croqueted/sewed projects. traditional artists and digital artists and comic artists. poetry writers and prose writers and a mix of both writers. lengthy analyses and brief analyses, fan-cam editors and shitposter editors, zine mods and zine contributors, every goddamn cosplayer. all the people who actually reblog the art and leave nice comments and cheer people on. fandom events and highly-anticipated streams and fandom surveys and fandom data and polls. collaboration across all types of artists, collections of works that are similar, dashboard known names like mangoball and passerine. meetups and discord calls and ask games. 

among us sus remix tubbo to 3k long the disc war finale breakdowns; the various las nevadas party playlists to the l’manberg blanket; the tireless SBI found family fic writers to the hundreds of dope ass c!dream designs.

i love being in this fandom so goddamn much. what a cool fucking place to be. 

i think i'm going to take a break from tumblr. (that's the TLDR, the rest of the post is long ramblings) i know that's shitty, because God knows I never check discord (not nearly as much as i should, but there's just so much) and barely reply to ao3 comments and so the least i could do is just exist here. but being on here makes the anger and grief i've been feeling for the last few weeks amplify. i can't exactly place it (well, i can place some of it, but that's neither here nor there), but i think while online activism in a place truly as online and disconnected as tumblr can be meaningful, it's so much more important to me right now to be fighting the battle in the world around me. and to find that community. because obviously i love you guys but when i feel like i'm about to spiral into a horrible place, i have to find company in the form of someone physically with me (maybe my therapist was right about me having someone on standby in this city huh). and when i see people with the most horrific understandings of what is happening in the world, to my siblings across the water, it's easier to contest that and stomach it when it's around me here than online. because at least i can do something about one of those things. what's happening in Gaza (and i admit I need to educate myself more about what's occurring in Armenia & Sudan) contains a pain that i only know a sliver of, being a second generation Iraqi Muslim across the Atlantic. but the pain is still visceral, and i've never felt this disappointed in myself in my entire life every fucking second. i'm on the edge of a relapse into something i thought i got over two years ago, and i can barely exist with myself when i'm alone but can't bring myself to ask for help. i just want to lay on my friends' air mattress in the floor above mine and never see my old friends or family again. october was the best month of my life, but simultaneously the worst, because every time there wasn't a movie night or a hangout i was cracking into pieces. for the first time in five years i need to make a safety plan, not for my life but for what i do within it. because i have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like for me but i know it's not going to be good. i'm convinced people are watching me and that if i make just one post here i'm going to hear someone banging on my door and i am so fucking scared. i usually repress these things but yesterday's realization that i'm more alone than i've ever been, and that i've been alone for so much longer than i thought, is making it hard to breathe. i don't know how to be a good person. i don't know how to live with myself anymore.

so i'm taking a break from tumblr. i might still be liking posts, but i need to force myself to stop using the site. i don't remember my password entirely so i don't want to log out, but i won't be here. it's also safe to say i'll be gone from discord for a while, too. looking at my dms makes me nauseous and i hope at least one person may be able to understand why. i'm sorry to my friends who i've not replied to in a while, i love you and i think of you and there will be a reply. obviously with every "i'm taking a break" post there's the odds i'm back here tomorrow, but i don't think that's the case.

i'll be okay. i love you all. see you.

did matpat die what's going on

i wish there was more support around people who don’t want to forgive their abusers and i wish there was more support around people who do want to forgive their abusers and i wish there was more support around people who want their abusers dead and i wish there was more support around people who are struggling to cope with the fact that their abusers are dead and i wish there was more support for people with abusers and i wish there was more support for abused people.

mutuals i am sending you beams of intense love i was going to send individual asks but i've suddenly become a wreck and i feel like sending barely coherent tearful asks of appreciation might be a bit unwelcome for the beloved mutuals i haven't spoken to in like six months. but just know that i love you guys all of a sudden right now. very nice.

alright. 7 pm give or take a bit is cough syrup Upload Time. i will then consume Nutrience, edit my paper and force myself out of my dorm to print it, then do (some of) my readings for tomorrow. i can DO THIS .

7 pm est. let the record show even if this uploads on ao3 technically on wedn, oct 11, this WAS uploaded on cough syrup tuesday, oct 10. note also that as holly pointed out to me on a vc a few days ago, the last upload was sept 10, 2022. so it's been 13 months. which is my favorite number for the record

hi i care n longer. jhariah live changed my fucking entire life

shout out to people w high irritability / rage episodes / anger issues / etc. it is so hard sometimes 2 tell ppl about my experiences w anger bc when i list certain experiences (some traumatic) they tend to intentionally or not undermine the triggers that started the episodes. so shout out to u guys to ppl who get set off into rages unpredictably, who have “unconventional” triggers as perceived by other ppl, etc. love u <3 

i am so relieved that shubble has a supportive group of friends around her, and that she was able to get out of that situation. the bravery it takes to process what happened to you in an abusive situation and the bravery to speak out about it is immense, and she is so incredibly strong and shines brighter than her abuser ever will be able to. i wish her so much peace in the present and in the future.

life update i will NOT be elaborating on but my entire friend group now knows i have written a dreamSMP fanfiction (which apparently now TWO people have read? i know one of them has but who is the other...) and one of my friends (dsmp hater) distantly knows several dsmp members. i hate college

i've stopped identifying fully as aromantic but sometimes i remember that i'm definitely somewhere along that spectrum because brother i do not understand the supposed intrinsic differences between romance and friendship sometimes (sob emoji Why cant i insert those anymore:( )

there are mutuals i would sign off rights to owning my blog to, mutuals i would see IRL, and mutuals i would give my phone number too. all like similar but different categories 

is anybody else Is anybody else. is anybody else feeling a little Ha feeling a little of the um. Horrors ? perchance

last night after my breakdown i got back to my dorm and there were people here. but slowly they left until it was just one of my roommates and our very close friend (who is essentially our fifth roommate). and i got into pajamas and ate chocolate and hugged my rainbow dog plushie and watched them playing a weird nintendo game. and then my other roommate came back and kept smiling at me and making heart hands. and nobody asked me any questions and everyone was really gentle. and i didn't use my phone. and i was okay.