#he sounds like a kazoo
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Armo, my favorite suspicious bandit hehe. He was my fave for a while, along with the masked guy (Daft 2)
#incredibox#fanart#armo#incredibox v3#bandit#digital fanart#i love this whistling man ugh#he sounds like a kazoo#art#artists on tumblr
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You know, Reigen's wiki page says that in terms of music tastes he likes "the classic stuff" and I've seen people take that to mean he likes classical music, i.e. Tchaikovsky, Shostkovich, Beethoven, Mozart, etc etc—but given Reigen's OST theme (and also. you know. his ethnicity,,,) I wonder if they didn't mean JAPANESE classical music. Like I wonder if instead of String Quartet No. 6 and Kyrie Elesion he likes listening to Sakura Sakura and Kibo no Hikari 🧐
#new blorbo 3am thoughts#reigen arataka#mob psycho 100#like mobs theme (KAZOO BOY) is very contemporary so i wonder if thats also a nod to the type of music he likes#stuff thats high and bass boosted and a little whiny but fast paced#while reigens theme in more laid back and sounds more traditional#bring out the shamizans babyyyyy#....i did not spell that correctly im aware but idw look it up rn leave me be
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jeffrey's voice in the ending you get by being a pushover is even more annoying than usual
#itlogthoughts#nicole get it together these people should be dead#not the victim blaming from someone who sounds like he has a kazoo squeaker stuck in his nose
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Why am I getting gender envy from him
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Home Run- Emily Prentiss x Fem!BAU!Reader fanfic
Warnings: smut, mentions of mommy kink and alcohol, (legal) age gap
Background:
You had been with the BAU for two years and had been immensely attracted to your boss and BAU Unit Chief Emily Prentiss since the day you joined. At times it definitely distracted you, but for the most part you were able to push your crush aside when it came to your job. You had joined the FBI softball team with Derek (who was your best friend on the team), and the rest of the team came out to watch the two of you play. (Emily is chief but for the sake of story Derek is still on the team :).)
first fanfic in a while so hope it’s decent
also i dont play softball so forgive the inaccuracies
“You ready, track star? You’re up to bat after this inning,” He asked you tauntingly, a grin on his face.
You laughed, “Shut up, Morgan. You should’ve stuck to football, do me a favor and have a beer ready for me after I hit a hit home run.”
He scoffed, “Yeah, right.”
Soon enough, there you stood on the plate. You had been playing ball since you were old enough to join a team, it had become like second nature to you. The batting cages were how you usually let off steam after a tough case.
You took a deep breath as you brought the bat up, steadying your stance as you and the pitcher stared at each other. Most of the other team was guys, and you could tell they didn’t expect much from you. You could hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears as you waited for the pitch.
It happened within an instant, the ball came flying towards you and without even having to think you cracked your bat against it. There was a soaring sound as it flew over the field and out of bounds.
You tore the helmet off your head as claps and cheers erupted from the crowd. You look at Derek, a shit-eating grin on your face as you simply shrugged and began your jog around the bases. He shook his head, laughing at you as he prepared to grab you a beer.
From the crowd, your team cheered the whole time you ran. Penelope was the loudest, of course, as she had brought plenty of noisemakers and kazoos. You nodded an acknowledgment at them as you were going past the stands, looking mostly at Emily, who gave you a small wave.
You were slightly stunned to see her wearing a t-shirt with your number on it. Granted, Penelope and JJ also had your number while Spencer and Rossi sported Derek’s. It still made your cheeks heat up a little.
You got back to box, Derek greeting you with a fist bump and a grin as he handed you a beer. “Thanks, asshole,” you said.
“Hey now, I won’t doubt you again,” he joked as you both took your seats. You couldn’t help but look back at Emily to see her staring at you as well. You blushed a little again and turned back around quickly before Derek could see you. He would never let you hear the end of it if he knew you had a crush on your boss.
You had hid it pretty well from everyone, after all they were profilers so you knew you had to really push your feelings down if you didn’t want them finding out. You knew you could never act on any of those feelings, but you reasoned that everyone had fantasies that would never happen. Perhaps you hadn’t hid it so well from her though?
You sipped on your beer but you could feel her eyes on you still. You tried to push the thought out of your mind, her eyes watching you.
It didn’t take long for your team to strike out, and you were back on the outfield and you couldn’t help but see her watching you. You could’ve sworn you saw her wink. You looked around you and then met her eyes again, obvious confusion on your face. She hid her laugh, standing up and walking off to what you could only presume was the bathroom or something.
You were so distracted you missed the ball that landed practically right next to you, Derek running up beside you and picking it up. “What the hell, Y/L/N? I shouldn’t have given your ass that beer, lightweight,” he laughed at you as he ran off with the ball.
Before you knew it the game was over, you had hit two more home runs both times you were up to bat, something you were definitely hanging over Derek’s head. The sun was starting to set as both teams filed out of the field and met up with their respected loved ones.
The team was chattering various congratulations on winning and you all agreed to go to a nearby restaurant to eat. You noticed Emily was staring at you, like blatantly staring at you as if she wanted you to notice.
You were about to ask Derek for a ride to the restaurant when Emily suddenly asked you, “Need a ride?”
You were a little stunned but didn’t let it show, “Uh, yeah, if you don’t mind? I was gonna ask Morgan but—”
“I don’t mind,” she interrupted you, her gorgeous smile erupting on her features. The team went their separate ways and you followed Emily to her car.
After you were inside Emily spoke first, “How long have you been playing?” she asked as you reached for the seatbelt.
“Ah, since I was young, 7 or 8 probably,” you replied nonchalantly, keeping your eyes forward as she started the car up.
“That’s impressive, you play well. I’ll have to come to more of these softball games,” she says, a smile etching her mouth as she spoke. You felt your stomach flutter slightly.
“Thanks, chief. Appreciate it,” you kept your sentences short for fear you would stumble over your words. She could sense you were nervous.
“You never call me Emily,” she noted, glancing at you momentarily.
“Ma’am?” you replied, a little confused.
“Just something I’ve noticed. You always call me Prentiss, or chief, or boss, but never Emily.”
“I guess… I’ve just always seen you as my boss. Everyone else worked with you before you were Unit Chief, but you were chief when I joined so I guess it’s hard for me to separate you from that,” you lied, knowing you couldn’t call her Emily because of the sound of her name on your tongue only made the butterflies in your stomach worse.
“I see,” she hummed. “So it has nothing to do with your little crush?” She looked over at you again.
It was hard to control your facial expression, your eyes widening just slightly before you answered, clearing your throat as you did, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”
You looked over at her, and couldn’t help but let your eyes linger on the way her jeans hugged her thighs, the smile that tugged the corners of her mouth and sparkled in her eyes.
“You know I can see you, you’re going to deny it while actively checking me out?” she teased you. You stammered, unable to find your words. You knew you had been caught.
“It’s cute, really. At first I thought you just had authority issues and you were intimidated by me so you avoided me, but I figured out pretty quickly that wasn’t the case,” her hand reached over to squeeze your thigh. Your eyes focused on her fingers wrapped around your leg, trying to ignore the feelings and thoughts it was arousing. You closed them quickly.
“It’s flattering,” she continued, her voice getting lower, “and I won’t lie I’ve thought about it more than once. But something about seeing you today, out there rolling around in the dirt, kicking all those guys asses every time you went up to bat—” You had to stop her, opening your eyes which made you realize that she had parked.
“Chief, this is— it’s very inappropriate and uh,” you stammered but she just laughed, leaning into you so close you could smell her perfume.
“What’s inappropriate is having feelings for your boss, who is almost 2 decades older than you,” her eyes were narrow, studying you. You couldn’t control your expression at this point and you could only imagine the horror that manifested on your face. You shifted uncomfortably in your seat, rubbing your thighs together, which she definitely took note of.
“Relax, Y/N,” she cooed at you, giving your thigh another reassuring squeeze.
“So what, you’ve known the whole time?” you ask, unable to meet her eyes.
“Well I didn’t know for sure, it was more intuition,” she smiled. You glanced down, admiring her full lips. “But it didn’t affect your work, and you never acted on it so I just let it be. Is that what you’d like me to do?”
“No,” you hadn’t been so quick to speak since you had gotten in her car. “No, that’s not what I want.” You looked at her eyes finally, they were still narrow but darker than before.
“So what do you want?” she husks, biting her lip which was something that drove you crazy. You instinctually averted your gaze because you had gotten so used to doing so at work whenever she would do that to prevent any feelings arising.
“Nuh uh, don’t look away now,” she said, hooking a finger under your chin to pull your face to meet hers again.
“You, Emily. I want you,” your heartbeat was thumping in your ears loudly, your stomach felt like it was trying to expel itself, and there was a similar throbbing you were beginning to feel in your pants.
“Get in the back. Lay down,” she commanded you. Your limbs seemed to move themselves as you climbed into the backseat, lying flat at your back with your feet planted firmly on the seat. You heard a slight shuffle from the front of the car but you couldn’t focus on anything but trying to calm your nerves. You wondered if this was truly happening or if you were just having some sort of in depth dream.
Suddenly Emily appeared above you, straddling your hips sans pants, as she pressed a few sensual kisses to your lips. A soft moan escaped your parted lips, your hands gripped her hips firmly following her movement as she rolled them, grinding into your midriff.
She pryed her lips from yours, her hand turning your head by grabbing your jaw to whisper in your ear, “I’m gonna sit on your face and ride it till you make me cum. Is that okay with you, sweet girl?” You whimpered at her words, nodding.
“I need verbal consent,” she said, her tongue swiping along your jawline.
“Emily, please,” you begged her. “Please ride my face.” Her hips shifted, leaving a small slick spot on your exposed abdomen before she was hovering above your mouth. You wasted no time, wrapping your arms around the back of her legs and pulling her into your mouth.
You moaned into her cunt as your tongue made contact with it, tasting her for the first time. One of her hands gripped the armrest on the door, the other resting affectionately in your hair.
She gasped softly as your tongue explored her wetness, becoming more confident as her moans encouraged you. You gripped the flesh of her thighs and ass, drawing another groan from her while her hips began to roll lazily in a slow rhythm.
“That’s it, you’re doing so good,” her head was tilted back, back arched ever so slightly as her hips began to move with more purpose. You were taking mental snapshots of every noise and movement she made, studying which strokes of your tongue elicited more reaction.
Your fingers tugged gently on the hem of her shirt as you mumbled, “Off? Please.” A grin tugged at the corners of her mouth as she groaned from the vibration of your voice. Her eyes met yours and you stared up at her innocently, pushing your tongue further into her wetness.
“You’ve been such a good girl, you want to see more of mommy?” she smirked above you, knowing the effect her words had on you as you squirmed underneath her. Her voice was low, almost sinister, as she spoke.
“Emily, please,” you groaned, your mind clouded by arousal. She pulled the shirt over her head, and you couldn’t help but notice your last name lettered across the back. It only turned you on more.
Your eyes dragged over Emily’s toned body, her full breasts swaying as she ground her sex into your mouth. You ran your fingers up her torso, admiring her figure as you zeroed in on her clit with your tongue.
Her fingers tangled in her hair as her moans increased in pace and volume. “Fuck, don’t stop,” she groaned, closing her eyes and tipping her head back. You felt her thighs contracting against the side of your face, gripping you slightly.
She pulled her cunt from your lips rather quickly, snaking her body down yours and straddling your hips again. You sat up, extending your legs as she pulled you in for a deep kiss. As she pulled away, she swiped her finger along your chin collecting her juices and gently pushed it between your lips.
“Suck,” she demanded, her tone firm and authoritative while her eyes followed yours. You closed your lips around her finger, eyes fluttering closed as you tasted her again. You swirled your tongue lightly across the digit, giving Emily a show as you slowly released it from your mouth.
You opened your eyes to find Emily’s gorgeous smile, her eyes admiring you affectionately. She kissed you softly once more, her hands cupping your face while her thumb gently stroked your cheek. “Good girl. Jump back up front and pass me my clothes. After dinner, I’ll take you back to my place and take care of you, sound okay?” She said, brushing her fingers through your hair.
“Yeah,” you whispered softly, entranced by the way she seemed to look at you. You did as she had asked you and after a few moments she had joined you in the front seat again. You sat quietly, your face red with embarrassment.
“Don’t get shy on me now,” she said, turning your head to face her. Her hand dropped down, squeezing you thigh in reassurance. “What’s on your mind?”
You cleared your throat, “Um, how did you know that— um.” Your words seemed to fail you as you stammered, trying to find the least embarrassing way to address what you were wondering.
She grinned, she really seemed to enjoy making you squirm. “What? Mommy?” She raised her eyebrow at you knowingly, as if she didn’t even have to ask.
Your breath caught in your throat as you quickly said, “Yeah— uh, yeah, that.” You shook your head as if trying to remove the word from your thoughts.
“Doesn’t take a profiler to realize you have mommy issues, pretty girl. Plus you had to excuse yourself from that interview I did that one time, so that told me everything I needed—” She said playfully, never taking her hand off your thigh.
You nodded in embarrassment, laughing slightly as you interrupted her, “Okay, I get it.” You rested your hand on top of hers.
“Don’t be embarrassed,” she smiled at you, leaning into your ear. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart. I’m gonna make you feel so good later.” You whimpered softly, biting your lip to muffle the sound that escaped your lips.
“Now, we’ll tell the team we went to the wrong restaurant when we get there. Give me a kiss.” You pressed a soft, short kiss to her lips as you felt her signature smile tugging her lips again. “Such a good girl,” she whispered.
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Silly little headcanons #2
Silly Little Headcanons #1
Lucifer
He sleeps with socks on.
Has on multiple occasions carried a crying Asmodeus around.
His home screen on his phone is a picture of his brothers with a poorly edited Cerberus in the background.
Can sing the entirety of Bohemian Rapsody without missing a note.
Mammon
Has a drawer with all the things Luke has given him. There's a lock on it.
Stands with one foot on his thigh when preparing noodles.
His keys are attached to his pants because he kept forgetting them.
Ruffles his brothers' hair. All of them.
Leviathan
Remembers everyone's favourite shows so he can buy them merchandise for their birthday.
Makes stickers so he can decorate Henry's fish tank.
Brings glowsticks to Beel's Fangol games.
Wears wrist warmers during winter.
Satan
Has kicked Lucifer in the balls more than one time.
He has a tendency to bump his hip into tables and chairs, you name it
Really good at jump ropes. He can even do tricks.
Has a secret stash of catnip.
Asmodeus
Ran a marathon in heels out of spite.
Had a slime Deviltube channel back when it was trendy.
Very skilled at origami. Made a bouquet for MC's birthday.
Has fallen down the stairs quite a few times.
Beelzebub
Ate the slime Asmodeus made for his Deviltube channel. It's a mystery how he didn't end up sick.
Kicked the front door off its hinges by accident 13 times in the span of 5 days.
Eats most fruits without peeling them first.
Makes a buzzing sound when you scratch his head.
Belphegor
Will take naps on any bed, but it has a tendency to not be his own.
Almost drowned in a bowl of soup once because he fell asleep.
This man never wears matching socks.
If he moos at cows, they will come running to him. He is the cow summoner.
Simeon
Falls for clickbait at least twice per day.
Accidently ordered 100 spoons online instead of 10. He won't run our spoons any time soon.
Likes to make flower arrangements.
Sleeps with a giant Teddy bear that takes up half the bed.
Raphael
He sounds like he's about to keel over and die every time he coughs.
Brings Solomon's cooking with him for lunch.
Forgot Luke in a supermarket.
Randomly brings animals with him to Purgatory Hall.
Luke
Has a hard time telling left from right.
Owns multiple kazoos.
He will never admit but he really enjoys shoulder rides.
Likes to spin around on office chairs. Sometimes he does it too much and ends up extremely dizzy.
Solomon
He once caused a chemical reaction with his cooking that forced the residents of Purgatory to live at the castle for a week.
Has no feelings in his pinky toes. He will ram them into a table leg full force and not even flinch.
Falls asleep on the couch all the time.
Can mimic animal sounds like a pro.
Thirteen
Falls out of her bed all the time. She moves a lot in her sleep.
Her very first trap was a bucket of water on a door. It hit Solomon straight on the head.
Really good at acrobatics.
Had a pet squirrel for many years. It died of old age and Thirteen was devastated when it happened.
Diavolo
Almost broke Barbatos' hand out of excitement when going to the cinema for the first. He apologised for weeks after the incident.
Skilled at climbing. It really comes in handy when he wants to sneak out of the castle.
Likes to do rubber duck races.
Hits his head on doorframes all the time.
Barbatos
Will randomly just do cartwheels.
Slides down the railings in the castle when there isn't anyone around to see it.
Likes to play the piano with the Little D.'s
Don't be surprised if you see birds or other animals help Barbatos. Demon Snow White.
Mephistopheles
He can and will destroy you in Uno.
Helps Luke with homework from time to time. Don't tell anyone though.
Has high kicked a demon into the ceiling because he heard them conspire against Diavolo.
He has a great singing voice.
#obey me shall we date#obey me#obey me lucifer#obey me mammon#obey me leviathan#obey me satan#obey me asmodeus#obey me beelzebub#obey me belphegor#obey me simeon#obey me raphael#obey me luke#obey me solomon#obey me thirteen#obey me diavolo#obey me barbatos#obey me mephistopheles#obey me headcanons
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Apple Seed 16: Baby of Mine
-Baby Cries Echo Through the Hotel-
Lucifer: (slowly getting more and more excited) B-Baby. Baby. Th-That's a baby! Ha-HA!!! The baby's here! (sprints up the staircase)
Hazbins: (all exchange glances and speed after Lucifer)
Lucifer: (reaches the door and starts clawing at it like a puppy) Can I come in? Can I come in? Can I come in? Can I come in? Can I come in? Can I come in? Can I come in? Can I come in?
Carmilla: (opens the door while blocking the way) Quiet! The mother is resting.
Lucifer: (tippy taps his feet impatiently) Mmmmmm!
Carmilla: (rolls her eyes and moves just enough to let Lucifer slide through)
Lucifer: (gasp squeals and scrambles into the room, whispering excitedly) Charlie! Vaggie! How is it? Where's the- (jaw drops as tears spring to his eyes)
Vaggie: (silently crying as she half sits, half lays, on the bed, propping herself up on her elbow as she kisses Charlie's head then the baby's head while stroking the baby's back, being mindful of the slightly lavender colored spots on the shoulder blades that looked like a place for wings to sprout in the future)
(whispering) Lo lograste, mi amor. Lo hiciste. Él es perfecto.
Baby: (fussing slightly against Charlie's chest, and black horns start pushing up from the hairline. They have Vaggie's white-silver hair, curved nose, off grey skin that looks like a mix of both Charlie's and Vaggie's, little white marks accent underneath their eyelashes, little fairy feathered - red hooves that matched Charlie's, and purple circles stand out on their chubby cheeks.)
Charlie: (flushed, sweaty, and crying as she holds the baby to her bare chest and sings) Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart. Never to part, baby of mine~
Baby: (horns retreat as they calm down and nestles into Charlie's breast)
Lucifer: (trying so hard not to burst out into a loud wail of a cry at the moment) H-Hey, kiddo. How do you feel?
Charlie: (looks at Lucifer tiredly) Exhausted, ha, but worth it. (nods to the baby) Come say "hello" to your grandson.
Lucifer: (excitedly tippy-taps over and looks at the baby with a coo) Hey, little duckie.... Oh, he's so precious! Look at his little hoofsies! (Tickles the baby's little feathered hooves) They'll harden up in the next week or so. And are those spots fow his wings to show up?! Gee, he really is a perfect mix of both of you! Have you thought of a name? I think Charles would be perfect. Little CJ!
Vaggie: I got shot down with that one already, Sir. (smiling down at the baby as she brushes her finger along his cheek) We decided on Samael.
Lucifer: (eyes widen in shock at his old name from Heaven) S-S-S... A-Are you....
Vaggie: Don't worry, Sir. We're calling him Sammy for short. Samael -Sammy- Lucifer Morningstar.
Baby Sammy: (gives a little, sleepy, gummy smile at his name with a coo)
Lucifer: I-I need a moment! (rushes out the door and immediately wails tears of joy) OOOOOOH-HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE!!!!
Hazbins: (sounds of party poppers, bombs exploding and spreading blue smoke everywhere, and kazoos going off fill the room from the hallway) CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Special Thanks to my friend Sevi for making me this adorable art piece of Sammy!
#apple seed#apple seed au#part 16#baby of mine#chaggie#charlie#vaggie#pregnant charlie#sammy#lucifer#carmilla carmine#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel incorrect quotes#vaggie has her wedding ring tattooed onto her finger#welcome to Hell little prince#sammy morningstar#chaggie fankid#fankid#special surprise under the cut#baby
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The batfam start a band. What instruments do they play (wrong answers only)
Dick: a guitar with a violin bow
Jason: the cannons like in Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture
Tim: a piano but the white and black keys switched tunes
Damian: a violin with a guitar pick
Duke: the drums but he's always one beat off
Cullen: a ukulele with rubber bands as strings
Stephanie: an autotune mic
Cassandra: a recorder with her nose
Barbara: a tuba, which she's never played in her life
Harper: an air horn because she left her instrument at home
Carrie: a pan flute made of kazoos
Kate: a DJ turntable but it short circuits
Alfred: bagpipes but with a plastic shopping bag
Selina: a xylophone but all the bars are the same size
Bruce: editing software to make them sound less terrible
#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#duke thomas#cullen row#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#barbara gordon#harper row#carrie kelley#kate kane#alfred pennyworth#selina kyle#bruce wayne#batman#batfamily#batfam#batboys#batbros#batgirls#batkids#batsiblings#batman family#dc comics#headcanon#crack
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Chapter 47 of human Bill Cipher thinking that being imprisoned in the Mystery Shack is looking pretty good right now:
The Eclipse: Part 5
Bill and Ford are just... so energized and enthusiastic after their near death experience. Not to mention fashionable.
But they've got nothing on Dipper.
And, at long last, Ford and Dipper badger Bill—who's just too tired to lie—into explaining what kind of an "eclipse" involves a giant flying axolotl making gravity disappear.
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When they reached the cave, Ford discovered that his antique lantern was too waterlogged to light.
"I'm not sure how we're getting to the top now," Ford said. The cavern directly behind the waterfall had some ambient lighting, but it wouldn't carry very far. "I know you can see, but I don't trust you to lead me through a cave system in the dark, no offense." He was surprised at himself for saying no offense.
"If I was planning to let you fall off a cliff, I could've saved myself a swim in the lake." Bill had taken off his backpack and was rummaging through it. "Didn't your lantern go out when you took four-eyes hiking through here? You should have learned your lesson."
Bill must have meant Fiddleford, though it was strange to hear him single out Fiddleford as "four-eyes" when Ford wore glasses too. "I did learn my lesson. I brought three flashlights as backup," Ford said. "Which are in Dipper's backpack."
Bill laughed weakly.
"Did you bring a flashlight?"
"Better." Bill pulled out a kazoo. He blew a stream of water from it, shook it, and then took a deep breath and played a long high note that wavered up and down.
Ford cringed at the noise. "Bill, what—?"
Bill held up a finger to silence Ford. Okay, fine. He was curious now.
It took a few moments of increasingly irritating kazoo playing, but Ford heard a soft clinking sound coming from the deeper caverns; and then several geodites—small creatures that looked like stone orbs with crystal limbs and teeth and glowing eyes—curiously emerged into the main cavern. Ford hadn't seen these creatures since he'd documented them in the eighties. He hadn't known they could be summoned via kazoo. They began making a high pitched humming along with Bill's kazooing.
"There you are." Bill stuffed the kazoo into his backpack and crouched down, holding out a hand until a couple of geodites crept closer to inspect it; and then he scooped up the closest one. The others startled into breaking off singing, but hovered nearby, chirping and clicking. "Okay, grab a flashlight." The light the geodites' eyes gave off wasn't very bright; but it was enough for Ford to see Bill's smug smirk. They proceeded into the caves, and a dozen-odd more geodites—perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps out of concern for the two hostages—followed along behind them.
The climb went much slower than it had just a few hours earlier. Unsurprisingly, without low gravity on his side, Bill was the holdup this time. Not only was he not as experienced in spelunking as Ford, but between his waterlogged dress shoes and his borrowed trout slippers he didn't have any appropriate footwear, and he'd elected to carefully climb barefoot again. When Ford had climbed up this path with Fiddleford in the 80s, it had been a six hour climb. He had no idea how long it would take with Bill.
But even at that, Ford hadn't expected Bill to need to pause so often to get his energy back. It seemed like the more Ford recovered from their fall in the lake, the weaker Bill got. In any other situation, he'd suspect Bill of slowing them down on purpose, but after... well, even that aside, Ford couldn't think of any reason Bill would want to delay getting home.
"It's just this body that's dizzy," Bill said, the fourth time they had to stop for him to sit. "Probably one of those... counterproductive stress reactions human bodies get." He wiped a film of sweat off his forehead, then stopped to examine how his hand trembled when his geodite's spotlight eyes fixed on it. "That or it's because I've only had a handful of cereal for the past two days."
Ford stared at him. "You what? Why?"
Bill shrugged. "Body wouldn't let me get more down. Wasn't my idea."
"Well, for goodness's sake, eat something now."
Bill took off his backpack, pulled out a cereal box, and opened it. He grimaced. He poured out a puddle of sugary lake water and dissolved cereal.
Of course. "Here." Ford pulled a tube of astronaut meat out of his backpack and offered it over. "It's not the most nutritionally complete meal supplement, but it's something. It'll have protein."
Bill took the tube with a grimace, but squeezed out a dollop of meat paste and licked it; and then he gagged so hard he doubled over. He clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from retching and offered the tube back. "Mmmf." The geodite hopped out of his lap in alarm and retreated to the group of hangers-on traveling with them.
The meat paste wasn't great, but that was a disproportionate reaction out of the alien who liked to mix chocolate sauce and mustard. This was a bigger problem than Ford had anticipated. "Keep it. If you can get down even a tiny bit every few minutes, that's better than nothing."
Bill nodded jerkily.
"I think it's better if we reach Dipper and get out of here as soon as possible."
Bill nodded more enthusiastically.
What would they do if Bill couldn't make it the whole way? Would Ford have to leave him in the cave and come back for him later? Ford hadn't tied the infinity belt's cable to Bill like he'd meant to, he just realized. It seemed unnecessarily cruel to try now; but it might be useful if he did have to leave Bill behind. He didn't know that they had any better option, he couldn't carry Bill all the way up and down. Especially since Bill had let go of his geodite, and Ford suspected the rest might abandon them if he put down his own...
They'd have to figure that out if it came to it. For now, they kept walking—Ford glancing back regularly to check on Bill, and Bill pretending he didn't notice.
####
After another half hour and another two increasingly frequent breaks, Ford saw a faint light in the tunnels ahead—yellow-white, not like the geodites' natural blues and purples. "Bill, is that...?"
"Hm?" Bill looked in the direction Ford was pointing. His right eye twitched, and then he had to squeeze his eyes shut in pain. "Yep. Boy child at 12 o'clock."
Ford called out, "Dipper?"
"Great Uncle Ford!" Dipper's voice echoed through the caves. There was a sound of clattering rocks as Dipper scrabbled down the tunnel to join them. The geodites scattered in fear, peering out from behind stalagmites as Dipper's flashlight swept over the scene. "Grunkle Ford! Are you okay?"
"Yes, yes, I'm fine. Are you—?"
Dipper collided with Ford to hug him. (Ford held his geodite out to the side so he could return a one-armed hug.) "I'm so sorry I saw you go over the cliff but I couldn't do anything I was in the mindscape the whole time something sucked my soul out of my body—"
"Not it, I'm innocent," Bill said unnecessarily, "nobody look at me." He'd taken advantage of the break to immediately sit on the ground. His abandoned geodite crept back over to check on him.
"—and—and wow, that was the Axolotl you were talking about, right?" Dipper let go of Ford to gesture like a fisherman demonstrating the size of an enormous catch, "It was huge, it had to be—I don't know, as long as the county? The whole state? How did it get so big? Is the Axolotl an alien or some kind of mutant Earth axolotl? Are all axolotls aliens—?"
"Now, hold on," Ford said, putting a hand on Dipper's shoulder, "what huge axolotl? What are you talking about?"
"You didn't see it?" Dipper paused, looked Ford up and down, and said, "What are you wearing?"
Ford grimaced, tugged his bandanna up a little higher, and turned his geodite away when it tried to aim its spotlight eyes at his neck to see what he was doing. "We had to borrow some dry clothes."
"He couldn't see the Axolotl," Bill said. "You shouldn't have, either."
"Sor-ry. Getting sucked out of my body wasn't my idea—"
"Hold on," Ford said again. "What do you mean, sucked out of your body?"
As they headed back down toward the waterfall, Dipper and Ford exchanged their versions of events. It didn't take long for them to realize Bill had saved both their lives with a swift efficiency that, had it been applied to any less altruistic a task, could have been called "ruthless." They didn't say anything, but neither one could stop from glancing back toward Bill.
"What?" he snapped, clinging to his geodite a little tighter like he thought they were planning to take it. "I don't owe you an explanation. You're not dead! Be grateful. Stop looking at me."
They stopped looking at him. Bill should be gloating about them owing him their lives. He should be convincing them they had to pay back their debt. Silence alone would have been worrying; but bristling like he wanted them to forget what he'd done was baffling.
As Dipper finished explaining his version of events, he said, "I think I remember meeting the Axolotl before—like you said." He directed this last comment back over his shoulder toward Bill.
Bill—whose entire attention had been focused for the last ten minutes on walking without collapsing, tripping, or dropping his geodite—simply muttered, "My condolences."
"Wait," Ford said, "You've... met a giant invisible axolotl before?"
"Mabel and I both did."
"When?"
Dipper opened his mouth, paused, and glanced back again at Bill for help.
It took a few seconds for Bill to register the question. "Oh—they've never met before. Not in this reality."
Exasperated, Dipper asked, "Then why do I remember it?"
"I told you—echoes," Bill said. When Dipper continued giving him an expectant look, Bill sighed deeply and said, "This is an embarrassing oversimplification, but you're at least familiar with the concept of branching timelines, right?"
"Of course I am. Every time you make a decision, the timeline splits into two paths—"
"Cute that you think it caps out at two," Bill said. "And a decision doesn't always split the timeline, sometimes the branches collapse back together depending on the gravity of the decision you made. I don't literally mean a decision 'you' made—you've never made a decision that important—but sure, you've got the basic idea."
"Fine," Dipper snapped. "So I met it on another branch, right? When?"
"Never," Bill said.
"Okay. Yes. But there is a branch where... some version of me met it. Right?"
"It depends on how you define 'is.'"
Dipper puffed out his cheeks with the effort of restraining a yell. He looked at Ford for either help or sympathy.
Ford winked surreptitiously at Dipper and said, "It's probably some complicated chronological issue. I doubt Bill can explain it in a way humans can understand." Under his breath, he loudly muttered, "Some 'teacher.'"
Bill straight-armed Ford aside to walk beside Dipper. "You humans have no sense of humor," he said. "I said you met him never because it's literally true. You had an accident that landed you in a time and space outside time and space—the meeting happened never and nowhere. It's where he prefers to take visitors. That timeline terminated after your meeting—and I don't mean you died, I mean he terminated that entire timeline."
"Really?" Dipper shivered. "With... With everyone in it? Why did he do that? Did something dangerous happen in that timeline, or was it unstable, or...?"
"That's how he usually ends casual meet-and-greets," Bill said. "Higher dimensional beings. He sees your reality from a perspective unimaginable to you. Remember when I told you you're just a movie projecting on a wall to him; he's got no problem with pulling the film out of the reel to inspect a few frames and then turning the entire projector off when he's done. What does he care if that's somebody's entire reality?" He paused to think that over. "Maybe the projector metaphor's getting strained. Imagine flipping through a book with all the pages out of order, and meeting him is like somehow flipping to a page outside the book... No, that's a little too contrived. I'll stick with the projector."
"When did we... when would we have met him?" Dipper asked. "And—when I say 'when' I mean—you know what I mean."
"You mean, when would you have made the decisions that could have led to you meeting him? Depending on your perspective, either last August or 207̃05. Time travel was involved."
"Last August..." Dipper thought back. "Was that when we were—?"
"Treasure hunting, yeah. By the by, I never asked—" Bill gestured vaguely around them at everything in general, "—which dimension did I end up in? Is this the one where you went hunting in the 1400s or 1800s?"
"Uh—1800s."
"Hm. Knew this wasn't a 207̃05 treasure hunt timeline, Questiony doesn't have a pet enslaved time pirate."
"A what?"
"So you never had a chance of meeting the Axolotl anyway," Bill said. "Hey, fun fact! Did you know there's a time pocket where twelve million alternate versions of you, your sister, and the puppet with the goggles failed at your quest and plummeted out of time? I wonder how long the last of them survived! I meant to check in after Weirdmageddon. Human flesh isn't that nutritious and doesn't have much water, but with millions of bodies and a little determination— Hey, wanna know how long you all were there before you started resorting to cannibalism—?"
"No," Ford said before Dipper had to. "And I'll thank you not to get off topic to try to give my gnephew more nightmares."
Bill shot him a sideways glance. "Remind me to tell you about the time pocket formed by all the timelines where you and Specs did your first portal test without checking your math."
"So if I wasn't even supposed to meet him—how did I see him today?" Dipper asked. "Did he pull me out of my body into the mindscape so we could talk, or...? But he didn't even tell me anything, was he just trying to get me to remember meeting him in the terminated timeline—?"
"He wasn't trying to do anything," Bill said. "He wasn't here for you, he didn't care. Shadow on the wall."
"Then what was he here for? You?"
It took Bill too long to answer. He just shrugged vaguely. "Probably not."
"Huh." Instead of questioning Bill, Dipper briefly turned introspective himself, gaze far away and thoughtful. "I think I remember a little more about meeting the Axolotl now. The first time, I mean."
"Oh, do you?" Bill asked. "Ha! Poor kid."
"Mabel and I were in some kind of rocket car?" Dipper's brows furrowed in concentration. "And the Axolotl had a... bean bag chair?"
Bill scoffed. "He still has that old thing?! Wow."
"It was really comfortable."
"It's also really tacky."
"You talked about him like he was some kind of... of big... eldritch cosmic horror thing," Dipper said. "What kind of a cosmic horror has bean bag chairs?"
"What, do you think being a vast multidimensional amphibious monstrosity with an incomprehensible mind and a body that can only been seen in lower dimensions as grotesque shapeshifting cross-sections protects you from having bad taste? He'll flay your sanity straight out of your gray matter—and you won't even have the comfort of knowing your mind-shredder had nice interior decor sensibilities!"
"I can sympathize with the experience," Ford muttered. "I was driven to the brink of paranoid madness by a nightmare demon who thinks Doric columns go with checkerboard flooring."
Bill let out a shrill "Ha!" and smacked Ford's shoulder.
"But he remembered me when we met," Dipper went on. "He told me to say hi to Mabel. And—the last time we met, we—talked. I don't remember it all yet, but... you were wrong about him. There was nothing insanity-inducing about him. He was just... nice."
"You don't think the madness sets in all at once, do you?" Bill turned back to Dipper, with an air of what Ford uncomfortably felt like was ill intent. "Go on then—what did you talk about? You can't remember it, can you? Why not? Just a harmless little conversation, right?"
Dipper frowned in thought. "There was something important, but—I can't remember what it was. What was it?" He muttered, "I know it was something important—"
"And there we go!" Bill gestured at Dipper with a flourish, triumphant. "Now you're digging for the significance of the whole thing. You're trying to comprehend the motives of something that has a state of existence your mind wasn't built to understand! You'll either go mad trying to understand his motives—or you'll go mad because you do understand. You're doomed now, kid—this is gonna haunt you for the rest of your days." He laughed. "Try to stop thinking about it now while you're ahead!"
"I'm not going insane," Dipper said. "Just shut up, I'm trying to remember."
"'I'm not obsessed, I swear! I can stop thinking about it any time I want!' Sure."
"Shut up," Dipper repeated. "It had to have been something important! Otherwise why would he dragged me out of my body and—and shown me the fourth dimension just so I could meet him?"
"Don't sound so self-important! You never saw the fourth dimension; if you had, you wouldn't think he looks like an axolotl. He visited this dimension's mindscape," Bill said. "And he didn't even mean to drag you into the mindscape! It was just a side-effect of his gravitational pull. He tugged you toward him just like everything else in town; but Earth'sgravity doesn't extend through planes like the mindscape, and his does. Yanked your spirit right out of your body."
"Then why was I the only one?" Dipper demanded. "Why didn't you or Grunkle Ford leave your bodies?"
"Your spirit's more loosely attached to your body than ours."
"Why?!"
For a moment, Bill's face twisted with displeasure; and then he sighed in resignation. "Ah, heck with it. You've been astral projecting."
Dipper's mouth worked uselessly. He croaked, "What?"
"It's when you—"
"I know what it is! I mean—what? How? When?"
"At least as long as I've been here. How long have you been having those out-of-body dreams?"
"Y—!" Dipper socked Bill's arm. Bill didn't even flinch. "You said those were nightmares!"
"And I lied," Bill said tiredly.
"Why?!"
"Thought you'd be annoying about it."
"I've been dealing with this all year, you—!" Dipper groaned in aggravation. "Why am I astral projecting! I wasn't trying to learn or anything!"
"How should I know, I wasn't around. Best guess, I think I ripped up the Velcro sticking your soul to your body when I yanked you out to puppet it," Bill said. "Oops."
Dipper gaped at him in outrage. "'Oops'?! That's all you can— I've been terrified and I thought it was a nightmare and it was real all along and it was all your fault and you won't even—"
"I knew you'd be annoying."
"I'm annoying?! How would you like it if you'd spent a year getting dragged out of your body in your sleep—!"
Bill abruptly stopped walking, turned toward Dipper, and said with an intensity that startled Dipper into silence, "You don't have the slightest idea how much I'd like it. How would you like it if you'd been trying for weeks t—" Bill cut himself off before he could get more heated; and instead, only said, "If you. Wanted to get out of your body. And couldn't. And some brat down the hall is doing it without even trying."
Dipper remained frozen, jaw locked tight in a grimace, until Bill turned away and trudged on. Dipper snapped, "But I don't want to do it. And it's your fault I am."
"Great. Nobody's satisfied." Bill sighed. "Make the most of it. Watch late night TV. Learn to meditate or something, I don't care. You've got nothing to worry about, it's harmless." He paused. "As long as nothing else crawls in your body while you're outside of it."
"WHAT?!"
"It's fine. Nothing'll get you in the shack through the unicorn hair barri... hm. Well—you're safe in the shack."
"But I have to go home at the end of summer! Will something be able to get me then?!"
Bill shrugged. "Hypothetically."
"Am I gonna die?!"
"Given my understanding of human mortality? Sure, sooner or later. Wanna hear your top five most likely causes of death?"
"No! Is it possible to—to stop? Can I control the astral projecting?"
"Yeah, sure, I guess. Ask me next time you're out of your body. I'll show you"
"Can't you show me n—"
"No. Not while you're in your body."
Dipper scowled. "Fine! Next time I'm projecting, I'm kicking you awake until you help me." He turned away from Bill; and, after a moment of fuming, mumbled to himself, "If I've been astral projecting... then that time I visited the neighbors... oh, man..." He trailed off, getting lost in his own thoughts.
Keeping silent during that discussion had been agony for Ford.
Every few seconds, he'd wanted to butt in either to eagerly ask for more information about the Axolotl or astral projection, or—far more often—to express his rage on Dipper's behalf, that Bill (of course!) had put him through this, and then not even had the decency (of course!) to try to rectify it.
But it was Dipper's conversation. It was about Dipper's problem, and anyway Dipper had been trying so long to pry some sort of useful information out of Bill—it would be cruel of Ford to snatch the conversation away from him when he was finally getting somewhere. He'd have a lot to discuss with Dipper once they were home and could get away from Bill.
But staying outside the conversation had let him observe three points he might have otherwise missed.
One: Bill really wasn't himself. Back when he'd been playing as Ford's muse, whenever he got to answer questions, he'd always done it with an air of theatricality and barely-suppressed glee; and after he'd given up that act, he'd answered questions with smug arrogance, the glee turned to sadistic delight at the bad news he could deliver. Now, he simply answered them. Even his attempts to be condescending gradually got less enthusiastic until they petered out completely.
Two: Bill was answering questions he never would have answered that morning. After telling them as little as he could about the thing coming to Gravity Falls, even trying to avoid admitting it was the Axolotl, now he was freely talking about the Axolotl's taste in furniture as though he knew the beast personally. After hiding that Dipper was astral projecting for over a month, he simply told him. Heck with it. He'd admitted it was probably his fault. He'd said the last two words Ford had ever thought he'd hear come out of Bill's mouth: I lied.
Three: this was the longest Bill had walked without needing a break all day. His voice was stronger. His steps were more steady. Ford had even seen him squeeze out a few dollops of astronaut paste between comments—and he struggled to make himself swallow, but he didn't gag.
And now that Dipper had stopped asking him about the Axolotl and about astral projection, Bill's footing was growing less certain again. He wove unsteadily on the path and had to pause to lean a hand on a stalactite, taking deep breaths. "Gimme a second."
Bill was distracting himself. He was keeping himself going through conversation, the simple ritual of receiving and answering questions. Ford understood: sometimes, in desperate circumstances, you had to burn yourself out to get somewhere safe enough to collapse and recover. When you had no choice but to push yourself, the best thing you could do was think about anything but your exhausted, failing body. It made it easier to keep moving and burn through what energy you had left.
Ford had once wondered if his "muse" was some manner of creature that was compelled to answer the questions his protégés asked him. This was perhaps the closest Bill had ever gotten to actually being such an entity: answering questions because he had to to go on, and willing to give away almost anything as long as it kept him moving.
Ford stopped next to Bill. "So. The Axolotl was the source of your 'gravitational eclipse,' I suppose."
"Astute observation," Bill said flatly.
"I take it that it isn't 'eclipsing' gravity so much as canceling it out. The Axolotl must have a mass similar to Earth's, if the force it exerts flying by above us is nearly identical to the force of Earth below us."
"More or less."
"But according to Dipper's observations, this Axolotl is only the size of Oregon at most. Did he underestimate its size? Or perhaps it's incredibly dense...?"
Bill gave Ford a sharp sideways glance. Were this any other conversation on any other day, this would be when the gloating started. Well, well, well, look who finally believes I was telling the truth, finally crawling back to me to give you all the answers you can't find yourself— But Bill only looked away again, pushed himself back upright, and kept walking. "You're the square looking at the sphere and thinking it's a circle," Bill said. "The majority of the Axolotl's mass is in dimensions you can't see. The little bit of him that's visible in the mindscape is just a... a feeler. Or an anglerfish's lure. The rest of him is close enough to exert a gravitational pull—but not in a dimension you can see."
"Which dimensions does he exist in?"
"I can't tell you because your species knows so little about them that the answer wouldn't mean anything. You haven't even decided whether or not you want to officially call the dimension that time shines from the 'fourth' dimension—I could tell you he comes from the seventeenth dimension and it wouldn't mean anything but an impressively high number to you."
Dubiously, Ford asked, "Does he come from the seventeenth?"
Bill waved a hand vaguely. "Heck if I know. The most I've ever seen at once is nine, and I was on a lot of psychedelics at the time. My eyeball popped."
"Eugh."
"Worth it, though. If you ever wanna feel cosmically insignificant in the most breathtakingly beautiful way possible, and you don't mind going blind, let me know. I think I can remember most of what I was on."
"Pass," Ford said. "If the Axolotl is so enormous, then why was only Gravity Falls affected by its gravity? At a minimum, shouldn't have the rest of the Pacific Northwest been impacted—if not the whole planet?"
"He wasn't near the rest of the Pacific Northwest. In the third dimension, Gravity Falls is obviously connected to Oregon; but in higher dimensions, it's..." He tried unsuccessfully to pantomime something mountainlike. "Imagine if the second dimension were a flat sheet of stretchy fabric. If somebody plucked the fabric up in the middle and made a peak, a creature living on the surface of the fabric would still be able to travel across its slope like it was flat, right?"
Ford tried to visualize Bill's description. "Right."
"And so if a fly flew past the peak of the fabric, it'd cross near whatever town's at that peak without getting near the towns at the bottom of the slope."
"Rrright."
"That's what Gravity Falls looks like from the fourth dimension," Bill said. "In the third dimension you can't see anything, but to fourth dimensional beings it sticks out of the fabric of spacetime like a thousand mile high pillar in the middle of a desert. That's why Time Baby put his capitol here."
Now, Ford wasn't sure that sounded right, but he didn't know enough about the seventeenth-or-whatever dimension to dispute it. "And why you kept trying to punch through to our dimension from here?" he guessed. "I imagine stretching the fabric of spacetime that far might make it easier to tear."
Bill shot him a sour look, but didn't deny it.
"Why did the gravity go down slowly for two days and then come back all at once? Did the Axolotl just leave faster than it came?"
"You know how the Doppler effect works?"
Ford hesitated. "Yes. Obviously."
"Well, in higher dimensions, gravity works like a reverse Doppler effect. It spreads out in front of a moving object—"
"Oh, come on."
"—and compresses behind the object—"
"Now you're just making up scientific-sounding nonsense because you know I can't disprove it."
"I'm not, and as soon as you get me a pen and paper I can prove it." Loftily, Bill said, "There's a simple equation that can explain higher dimensional gravity."
Ford was pretty sure he was being made fun of. He didn't mean to laugh, but he did. Dipper looked at him like he'd lost his mind; but trying to explain what was so funny would probably just make him look more insane.
Bill looked nearly as surprised.
####
"... And the smaller axolotls, what are they—heralds, worshipers? Children?"
Bill scoffed in disgust, "I don't know, I've never asked him. I see them like the flies orbiting a cow's tail. They migrate with him, that's all I know."
"Then the Axolotl really was just 'migrating'?"
"Well. Migrating in the sense that a mayfly watching a human walk back and forth to the office thinks it must be 'migrating.' He has..." Bill gestured vaguely, "duties, that mandate he travel fixed routes through the multiverse. He just happens to have a years-long workday. His commute doesn't usually take him past 46'\."
"'Duties' as in... divine duties?"
"It depends on if you worship him for doing them. I don't."
The cavern was growing light again, and the distant waterfall was audible. Ford quietly sighed in relief. Even as oddly forthcoming as Bill had been, Ford doubted that even two-thirds of the information he'd shared was true. But it was hard to tell. It had always been hard to tell.
Dipper helped Ford deflate the raft and pack it up. As he did, he said, voice low, "Is it just me, or is Bill kinda...?"
Ford cast a sideways glance across the cavern. Bill was crouched in front of the geodite he'd carried all up and down the tunnel, backpack in his lap, pouring a pile of soggy cereal onto the ground for the geodite to eat. Ford was surprised he'd gotten so attached to the creature. "I think he's been in some state of mental shock since the fall in the lake," Ford said. "And it seems he hasn't been able to keep down a full meal since we left yesterday. I suspect he's barely on his feet. The sooner we can get him back to the shack, the better."
"Oh." Dipper frowned toward Bill. (He was now pouring cold medicine on the cereal. Ford would have to ask him about geodite diets.)
"What are you thinking?"
Dipper shook his head. "I just thought... He seems like he's thinking about something. And he's giving so much away... I don't know. I wanted him to talk, but now it makes me wonder if he's scheming something."
From what Ford had seen, at the moment he doubted Bill could so much as scheme a way to ruin a picnic. But now he was second-guessing his perception. Ford knew Bill better than anyone; but that also meant Bill knew how to manipulate Ford better than anyone. What was Dipper seeing that he didn't? "Really? Do you think so?"
Dipper hesitated. "I—thought so? Maybe not." (Well, now they were both second-guessing themselves.) "I just don't know why he'd tell us so much if he isn't up to something. It feels like a distraction."
"Ah." Ford nodded. "I think the distraction is for himself."
"Mm." (Ford wasn't sure if Dipper had heard him.) "I just feel like there's—something. I can feel it in the back of my head." He stared at Bill a moment longer; then shook his head and turned away. "Maybe it's not him, maybe it's the Axolotl. He said something I can't remember. Something about degrees."
"Degrees?"
But Dipper didn't reply. He'd returned to his work, lost in his own head, mumbling under his breath the way he did whenever he was trying to work something out. Something else for Ford to ask about later.
When they got in Tate's loaned motorboat to head back out, Dipper got a look at the rainbow trout slippers Bill had put back on, and let out a choked laugh of surprise; and then that was the last sound any of them made as they crossed the lake. Ford steered, Dipper remained lost in his own thoughts, and Bill stared at his friendship bracelet, thumb running around the glass evil eyes.
####
(Finally a few mysteries solved! I hope y'all enjoyed, and I look forward to hearing what you think. Next week is another emotionally wrenching chapter!!)
#bill cipher#human bill cipher#grunkle ford#stanford pines#dipper pines#gravity falls#gravity falls fic#gravity falls fanart#fanart#my art#my writing#bill goldilocks cipher
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Call of Duty || Coraline AU
Running away to start a new chapter and escape the troubles of your past, you find yourself in a darker predicament than you had hoped for.
Coraline with a twist. And COD men. Obviously.
PT.2 / PT.3
You took in the sight of your new home from where you stood in the doorway. Your eyes studied the peeling wallpaper, the old water stains on the ceiling, the long, hallway rug that didn’t seem to want to lay flat from where it slightly popped up in the middle. It was a place far from special, and in all honesty, the house was a bit… depressing in a sense. But it was your new home, and it was the first thing offered to you when you had run away, far from your original home – if you could call it that.
Sighing, you stepped inside the dingy house, slipping off your shoes that had begun to collect mud from the rain that cascaded down outside. Just like this new house, the outside was just as somber of a sight, with gloomy rain clouds hanging in the sky and weeping water drops down to the overgrown yard.
As you made your way into the home, you could faintly hear music playing from upstairs. You paused your walking to stare up at the ceiling, ears tuning in on what the resident upstairs could possibly be playing this early in the morning.
Circus music…?
Shaking it off, you proceeded to navigate your way around the place, opting to ignore the light sound of symbols clashing and strange kazoos blaring from above. Instead, you began your long journey of unpacking the little things you brought with you when you left your old home.
There wasn’t much, and in the few hours you had spent unboxing it all, you realized just how much you didn’t have. Even the furniture that came with the home wouldn’t cut it, what with its old, antique styling and dust that was definitely not from this century.
“Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself, shaking your head in disbelief.
One look at the rotting fruit in the fridge – just how long had it been in there? – told you that you’d need to run to the market if you didn’t want to starve on your first night alone.
Alone. Even just the simple reminder felt foreign, almost unrealistic. You had traveled all this way – no, not traveled. Ran all this way, and now it was a reality. This broken, rundown home was proof of that, and it was only just the beginning.
Stepping out of the home, you fumbled for the keys to lock the door behind you. Once you were sure it was secure, you made your way down the line of steps and to the paved sidewalk of the building. The rain had stopped in the hours spent unpacking, and you released a small sigh of relief at not having to drive in it once again.
As you ascended the last step, a door could be heard opening with a pair of deep voices filtering out with it. Pausing, your head whipped over to the left, where another staircase leading downwards was now occupied with two men bickering – one was tanned and pretty, with a certain confidence that seemed to ooze out of his perfectly unblemished skin (damn him), while the other was an older gentleman with thick facial hair and kind eyes.
“Oh, hello!” The pretty one greeted you when he got to the top of his stairs, a blinding smile curving on his lips. Bickering seemingly forgotten, he indulged himself with the presence of a newcomer. “You’re the new neighbor, eh? Thought Laswell locked up that ol’ place long ago.”
Laswell?
Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but before you could say anything in return, the other man with the mutton chops spoke. “Don’t mind him. You settling in alright? Nothing wrong with the place yet?”
Besides the rotting wallpaper and eighteen-hundred’s couch? And the creepy circus music playing from above?
“No,” you opted to say instead, eyes flickering between them.
“Ah! Good to hear it,” The older gentleman cheered with a bright smile, clapping his hands together. “Been quite some time since having a neighbor. Well, besides Soap, that is. Wouldn’t want to scare you off so soon, now, would we?”
Pretty boy nodded in agreement, almost a bit too enthusiastically, and you felt you were missing something. These men were… strange, to say the least. And so forward, too.
Also, who the hell is Soap?
You could only assume he meant the other resident living in the apartment upstairs, what with his weird music and loud footsteps. Soap, huh?
“John Price,” The older one introduced with an outstretched hand. “And this here is Kyle Garrick.”
“Call me Gaz, love,” Gaz corrected with a warm smile.
You stared down at John’s hand, which was soon joined by Gaz’s. Hesitating for a moment, you first shook John’s, then Gaz’s, their grip firm and skin rough to the touch.
“Right. Nice to meet you.” You cleared your throat, suddenly feeling much too exposed with the way they were staring at you. “Say, John, what exactly do you mean, wrong with the house–”
“Well, it was lovely to meet you, Caroline! We’d best be off now, but do come over if you need anything, yes?” John cut you off with a crinkly smile, placing his hand on Gaz’s shoulder and guiding him away from where you stood at the end of the stairs, successfully avoiding further conversation and disappearing down the pathway to the road.
“It’s Coraline…” you muttered under your breath, before the realization that he even knew your name, albeit incorrectly, dawned on you. You hadn’t offered it in return, yet somehow, he already knew.
Your eyes followed them as they walked, watching as they grew farther and farther away until they turned the corner at the edge of the driveway and could no longer be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.
How the fuck did he know that?
#cod#cod mw3#cod x reader#ghost cod#soap cod#cod mwii#cod mw2#john soap mactavish#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#john price#coraline#coraline au#cod fanfic
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This is Lucky, with his lady Clotho. Lucky is a bantam Birchen Cochin, and Clotho was having a molt but we don’t mention that because chickens are sensitive about it. As you can see, they are small spherical borbs.
Now, Lucky is a perfect gentleman. His ladies love him, he never offers violence to chicks, he is resigned to Kevin picking him up and woogie-ing his wattles, and he was gracious to the ancient Rhode Island Red rooster that lived out his golden years in the same enclosure. (We have two, but they share a fence.)
Also his crow sounds like a kazoo solo.
But Lucky is also a bantam, which means that all the rage that lies in the heart of a rooster has been compressed into diamond-like ferocity. Case in point: we once had a fox going over the fence to grab hens. One day, the fox grabbed Lucky. We learned this when we found Lucky outside of his enclosure, covered in blood—only some of it his—and so hyped up on adrenaline that he immediately tried to fight Ninja, the top rooster, who immediately realized that he had pressing business under a rosebush.
We have not seen the fox or lost a hen since.
I tell you that story to tell you this one. Kevin has a very large Black Cochin named Pot Pie. He’s about three times Lucky’s size, and he doesn’t so much crow as roar like a T-Rex. He is huge. And every night, for months, he would go to the fence and flare his neck feathers out at Lucky—through the fence—going “If you were over here, I’d sit on you, little man,” to which Lucky would reply “Oh yeah? Come over HERE and say that.”* But they never leave their respective enclosures, because neither of them can fly for crap. Lucky because he’s too short to get over the fence and Pot Pie because he’s too heavy to get off the ground.
(Occasionally this standoff would end in someone trying to jump-kick the other one and getting tangled in the fence. I once had to sit for five minutes with a flashlight clenched in my teeth, untangling Lucky’s foot. But he is, as in said, a perfect gentleman and sat patiently while I did.)
Today, Kevin was on a work call and looked out the window just in time to see Pot Pie tearing across the yard at extraordinary velocity, pursued by a tiny wrathful rooster. Lucky must have found a gap in the fence at last, because he came over and immediately set about putting the fear of God into his giant nemesis.
When Kevin came outside to give everyone treats, Lucky was strutting around, calling the hens—there’s a little chuckle roosters do that means “Look, ladies, I found a treat!”—and surrounded by an admiring crowd of both bantam and full-size ladies.
Kevin escorts Lucky back to his own enclosure, where his own hens greet him as a conquering hero. He then searches for Pot Pie, and finally hears a THUD as the T-Rex jumps down from hiding inside the coop, pokes his head out, and is like “Is it safe? Is Satan gone?”
He did not go to the fence to threaten Lucky tonight. Pot Pie, as Kevin said, Found Out.
Meanwhile Ninja, far and away the most intelligent chicken on the property, decided it was another good day to spend some quality time under the rosebush.
*loosely translated from Rooster, a complex and idiomatic language consisting mostly of insults.
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EPISODE 9 ♡ ENJOY THE DATE, FUCKERS!
HOW YOU GET THE GIRL — A SCARAMOUCHE SMAU
masterlist / prev ep / next ep
it wasn’t hard for kunikuzushi to spot you. after all, his attention automatically focuses on you no matter where he is.
“hey,” he nonchalantly said as he approached you.
“where’s kazuha?” you asked him.
“he said he forgot that he had an important errand to run, so he ended up passing for today.”
“what about the others?”
“not sure; ask them," he replies.
awkward silence.
“uhm. thanks for the mcdonald’s last night," you quietly said. if kunikuzushi had focused his attention on something else (which technically never happens when he’s with you, no matter how much he denies it), he probably would’ve missed it.
“did you eat the mcflurry yet? if not, then i might ask for a bit," he chuckles.
“well…” you trailed off.
“did you eat everything already?” he asked, surprised.
“i was upset, okay!” you said out of defense.
after a bit more small talk, you suddenly feel your phone vibrate right after your notification sound rings. it was a message to your group chat sent by yanfei and the others. what was the message you may ask?
sorry, (name) :’) we all decided to head to kazuha’s place instead. along with an attached group picture of the four of them.
it was also followed by an enjoy the date, fuckers! message sent by lyney.
a sigh escapes your lips as you put down your phone. no wonder they were taking so long to arrive.
“well, it seems like the others ditched us. where do we go now?” you asked.
“hmm, we can just stay here if you’d like.”
-
okay, well, maybe hanging out with your ex again isn’t as bad as others would make it seem.
because in truth, things are going very well for both you and kunikuzushi so far! you two talked about random things while sitting on a random park bench, laughed when a kid got hurt in the small playground era (you didn’t want to laugh, but kuni snickered first), and it was as if things didn’t change.
“you had something to do with the others not being here, right?” you accused him all of the sudden. “huh? no, i didn’t.” he raises his hands up as he defends himself.
“oh, really now? how about we ask them?" just as you were about to whip your phone out, he stopped you. “wait, fuck. okay, yeah, i did have something to do with it.” kunikuzushi looked down as he admitted it. deciding to tease him, you replied, “what was that? i couldn’t hear you.”
he groans at your actions. “i said yeah, i had something to do with it. i was worried last night, and that’s why i’m making it up to you now.”
“why didn’t you just tell me yourself?” you asked.
“i thought you wouldn’t go if i did so.”
“hey! i’m not that mean.”
“are you sure about tha—ow!”
if others were to judge the two of you right now, they would think that you two are here at the park together as a couple with the amount of subtle touches, genuine smiles, and heartfelt laughter from the both of you.
then again, if you think about it, nothing really changed between the two of you. everything is still the same, and everything is almost just like it was before, except for the label that would define all of the lingering feelings you and kunikuzushi have left for one another.
taglist (open): @yinyinggie @blue-b3rries @ryuryuryuyurboat @your-local-reblogging-kazoo @lilikags @haliyamori @diorlumx @mamafly @zuunotsane @iloveosamuu @featuredtofu @kana-de @xiaoderrrr @f1orent1ne @alhaitie @yelleloww @brain-r0tt @jamieexistss @danfelions @e0nssadrift @lovemari @kunikissr @chluuvr @lazy-sanns @lxkeeeee @swivy123 @sketcheeee @quacking-simp @tiredslepz @vxcmx @kichiy0shi @yingofthemoon @feiherp @sicut-sol @mayuumine @xiaosoneandonly @xtobefreex @bananasquash @im-the-ruler-here @hiraethhv @yumiaur @oughhhhmamamia @beriiov
#( smau — how you get the girl ! )#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact#genshin imagines#scaramouche x reader#scaramouche smau#kunikuzushi x reader#kunikuzushi#x reader
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Absolutely, get ready for BABIES.
The oldest foster we have right now is Lazarus who we got when he was 3 months old from a hoarding case. He had an extremely bad case of herpes that almost killed him and it turns out he has a really bad immune system so he's always getting sick. He's about 8 months old now and he's sort of a long term foster because he currently has FIP and treatment requires one shot every day for 80 days minimum. The meds are a bit expensive so shameless plug but if anyone wants to help us pay for the meds my wife's ko-fi is here
Here he is the day we brought Lazarus home ^
And here he is now! His FIP treatment is going very well so far ^
Our second oldest are Penny and Kazoo. We got Penny when she was 5 weeks old from a guy whose dog brought her home in his mouth (she was fine the dog was gentle.) We got Kazoo when he was 10 days old from some dudes in the next town over who didn't have time to bottlefeed a newborn. Kazoo is 2 weeks older than Penny and they became best friends!!
10 day old Kazoo and 5 week old Penny ^
Kazoo and Penny now ^
Kazoo and Penny at an adoption event ^ We're having a hard time finding them a home because we refuse to split up bonded pairs
Penny playing in the tub lol ^
Next are a batch of kittens we got from an irresponsible breeder who was fine with letting kittens get sick and starve to death. We originally only got 2 of them when they were 3 days old (breeder let mom cat get sick and die because she didn't want to pay for vet care and tried to pawn the babies off on the other nursing moms and it didn't work out) and they were born premature so they had a lot of health problems. They had rhinovirus and coccidia and the little brown kitten had an umbilical hernia that then became septic and THEN she started getting big pockets of infection in random places like under her chin and in her toes? But we managed to get them healthy and fat and thriving.
My wife was able to convince the breeder to give us the remaining kittens 3 days ago and they're half the size of our first two because they've been sick and slowly starving this entire time (they're now 5 weeks old). They're still really sick and have Poop Liquid Until You Die disease so it's not fun on our end but we're working hard on getting them fat and healthy. They don't really have official names but we've been calling them Zoosmell Pooplord, Insufferable Prick, Flighty Broad, Farmstink Butlass, and Huss lol
The first two nuggets ^
They were sooooooo small ^
Finally fat and healthy at 3 weeks old! ^
The full litter now at 5 and a half weeks old ^
Comparison pic ^. Right kitten is the nugget we've had since he was 3 days old and left kitten is his brother who the breeder just now let us take. It's hard to tell with the fluff but he's borderline skeletal :(
Next is a 3 month old kitten that a foster brought to an adoption event who was very clearly sick. Skinny and lethargic with a bad coccidia infection so we took him home that day 1.5 weeks ago and also sent the foster person home with some medicine to fix the coccidia in their other kittens. We've been calling him Christmas Tree Boy cause he's always got a poofy tail or Poop Boy because he hates sharing litter boxes and keeps pooping in random corners 😒 Didn't take long to get him healthy so this weekend he's getting yeeted into another adoption event and whoever adopts him needs to give special attention to his Litter Box Needs
^ He's very cute and loves playing with our other fosters but for the love of god we are TIRED of his Poop Surprises
Someone who adopted a bonded trio from us a few months ago is returning them to us tomorrow because their fiance is allergic, so as of tomorrow we will have 12 fosters in our house. Sounds like a lot but we've had 30+ foster kittens crammed in here at the same time so it's a breath of fresh air in comparison💀
Edit: Not a foster kitten but honorable mention to my new betta who I named Gemini because You Know Why
He has a 5 gallon tank all to himself but I don't have a pic of him in it cause he's shy and he hides lol but it's the one behind the cup. Aiming to give him live plants soon
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a new blog! Can i ask for headcanons for the jjk men saying "i love you" but you not saying it back? Thank you!
Of course! And welcome~ 🤗
Yuji itadori
He is just about to leave when he tells you "love you babe! I'm going now!"
And you just answer with a "mhmm, bye "
He pauses
"Babe."
"Yes? What's wrong"
He walks back to you and takes your face in his hands "i love you!"
You really have to try not to laugh, hes like a lil puppy waiting for praise
"Uh-huh, you're going to be late yuji"
Hes annoyed now "well, im not leaving until you say it back! So say it back pleaseee!"
Megumi Fushiguro:
Please dont do this to poor Megumi, hes gonna overthink this so bad
Did he do or say something for you not wanting to say it back? Didnt you hear him?
Snaps out of it when you say his name
Poor Megumi TELL HIM NOTHING IS WRONG AND THAT IT WAS A JOKE 😭
Will hug you and be like "ok, now say it back.............................please"
Yuta Okkotsu:
I think he wouldn't notice right away
He happily opens the door about to leave when he gets this feeling like 'wait a minute' (everytime i read, hear or say it i think about the kazoo kid, am i the only one? 😂😂 ok ,ok sorry BACK TO YUTA)
He'll also think he did something
"Love?" "yes?" "did i do something?"
Poor boys hands are so clammy
You just cant take it because hes too cute so you tell him it was a joke
Hes so relieved!!
Gojo satoru:
Now we all know how dramatic he can be
"I love you~" "mhm" .....blink
How.....HOW DARE YOU NOT SAY IT BACK!!!!
shocked pikachu face
Hes going to move closer to you "i love you." blink, blink "i know, babe"......oh okay so you're playing games...
This means he will become even more obnoxious about it "iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou......" "OKAY I KNOW, YOURE GOING TO BE LATE IDIOT!"
Gasp did you also on top of not saying 'i love you' back, say that he was an idiot?!
"Okay. ...I'm leaving.....no sexy time for you later hmpf"
Wait...
"Noooo i was joking!! Satoru wait! I said it was a..........aw man :("
Yep no sexy time....better think of a good way to apologize.... (Wink winkkkk ;) you know wink~ he said no but can he really say no? )
Geto Suguru:
He notices right away
But still wears his smile " darling? Did i do something to upset you? "
You look at him acting confused "mh? No nothing is wrong but if you dont hurry you're going to be late sugu"
"Okay then...i love you" "see you later sugu"
Turns around because that are not the words he wants to hear
"Darling~"
Its sounds so sweet but you know better than to keep teasing "say it back."
"I love you"
"Good girl :)"
Nanami Kento:
Now he will be a bit confused but hes an adult so hell just go to work
But on his way home he is thinking about where he fucked up
But he can think of anything....
Frustrated he'll ask you "what is it?"
"I dont know what you mean?"
"Y/N....."
You place your hand on his cheek and smile at him " i love you kento"
Ok now hes blushing what a sweetie
Hope you'll like Them if you want a part 2 lemme know babes~💓
#jujutsu kaisen scenarios#geto x reader#jjk fushiguro#jjk gojo#jjk yuta#jjk nanami#jjk imagines#jjk x you#jjk fluff#jujutsu kaisen imagines#jujutsu kaisen fluff#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen#nana answers#jujutsu kaisen headcanons#jjk yuji itadori x you#yuji itadaori scenarios
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Revelation 8:10–11
10 The third angel sounded his trumpet, and a great star, blazing like a torch, fell from the sky on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water—11 the name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters turned bitter, and many people died from the waters that had become bitter.
Terzo was growing restless living in his older brothers’ shadows. He had been appointed a cardinal under Primo at the beginning of his papacy and had served as one through out it. Now only a few years into Papa Secondo’s papacy, Terzo declared he wanted to wear his Papa paint early. This was allowed by Papa, as it was part of his brother’s birthright, but the higher clergy wanted the cardinal to earn it by summoning a new ghoul. Since Terzo is a bad bitch with no concept of his own mortality, he agreed to the challenge.
Let’s just say Mist made Terzo work for it and gave the rest of the family a heart attack.
Mist loves her silly little kazoo guy now though.
#the band ghost#ghost the band#the ghost band#terzo emeritus#papa emeritus iii#papa emeritus 3#papa emeritus terzo#papa terzo#papa iii#papa 3#terzo#cardinal terzo#mist ghoulette#nameless ghouls#nameless ghoulettes#water ghoul#water ghoulette#terzo ghost#ghost fanart#the band ghost fanfiction#terzo fanart#ghost au
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#6 Incorrect Batman: Vigilante (My AU)
Riddler: Hi, who's this? Joker changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures.
?: What's mine?
Riddler: Dwarf.
?: HE’S SO MEAN, I'M NOT THAT SHORT!
Riddler: Oh, hey Penguin.
Penguin: FUCK!
*****
Poison Ivy: Does everyone know their job for today?
Joker: Vacuum the flowers.
Harley Quinn: Water the carpet.
Two Face: Wash the dishes.
Poison Ivy: Close enough.
*****
*During Legion of Doom Meeting*
Lex Luthor: Is there something you would like to say, Riddler?
Riddler: Oh, there are SEVERAL things I would like to say.
*****
Poison Ivy: Are you having another depressive episode?
Two Face: A depressive episode?
Two Face: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.
*****
*Joker is shopping with Lex Luthor*
Joker: Can I get a pistol who sounds like a kazoo?
Lex Luthor, shrugging: If there’s one on sale.
*****
*Villain's cooking skills*
Lex Luthor and Penguin: *master chef* ... *My bad. Have a master chef*
Bane and Harvey Dent: *master chef* (Not of Lex or Penguin)
Poison Ivy, Riddler and Mr.Freeze: *knows a few recipes*
Two Face: *can follow instructions on a box*
Scarecrow and Mad Hatter: *made toast once*
Harley Quinn: *Think she’s a really good cooker* … *Spoiler she’s not*
Joker: *banned from the kitchen*
*****
Riddler: I haven't seen Mad Hatter and Scarecrow for fifteen minutes now.
*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Mad Hatter and Scarecrow running after it in a panic. Riddler doesn't look outside at all.*
Riddler: That probably means they're getting into trouble.
*****
Riddler: *out cold on the ground*
Harley Quinn: Oh my god, do you think he’s okay?!
Mr. Freeze, holding a bucket of ice water: Who cares?! *dumps all of the water on Riddler’s face*
*****
Joker: *sees Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy together*
Joker: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.
Two Face: You mean... you ship them?
*****
Riddler: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?
Penguin: It was autocorrect.
Riddler: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot"?
Penguin: Yes.
#Batman: Vigilante#mr.freeze hates riddler#he's tired of the fact that riddler didn't understand the feelings of penguin yet#not that penguin help to make him understand#batman dc au#dc au#batman au#dc joker#harley quinn#poison ivy#scarecrow#mad hatter#lex luthor#two face#dc penguin#the riddler#dc riddler#harvey dent#batman#riddlebird#harlivy#batman incorrect quotes#dc universe
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