#december 25th 2020 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

intricatedemonicrituals · 9 months

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Canon Destiel Timeline Masterpost

I wrote this all in a fugue state while listening to Green Grow the Lilacs on repeat so forgive any mistakes. @gay-fae ask and ye shall receive

So much has happened in the long and storied history of his fandom so I've decided to try to document it. I've started by looking up every time that canon destiel, destiel event, misha collins, jackles, or some other search terms have spiked on Google and cross referenced them with tumblr or twitter posts from that day. I know a lot of this is Misha stuff, but he does tend to be the one to say things

November 5th, 2020: Season 15, Episode 18 "Despair" airs and Castiel declares his love to Dean. The presidential election, Georgia turning blue, the presumed retirement of Vladamir Putin, Dabi from My Hero Academia, Ouran Host Club season 2, Sherlock season 5, the president of Bolivia being attacked with dynamite, ongoing BLM protests, a twitter artist making racist art of Ted Bundy, Hetalia returning, a dead man being elected Representative for North Dakota, V for Vendetta, scientists discovering a "hell" planet that rains rocks and has lava oceans, and half of Europe being in lockdown all became tumblr news around the same time. Some of these are true, some not.

November 8th, 2020: Misha Collins, in a panel with Richard Speight, states that the confession scene was a "declaration of homosexual love", and that when Castiel goes to the Empty, it is an example of the "Kill your gays" trope.

November 19th, 2020: The finale airs and it is not well loved to say the least. The episode is short, Dean dies by falling on a nail to death fighting vampire clowns, and there are several characters left with dangling unresolved plot threads and arcs, including Castiel. The car is in heaven though. There is very little heard from the cast and crew, if anything.

November 22nd, 2020: Misha Collins, in a livestream, tells a fan that Castiel and Jack are remaking heaven together, Cas has his wings back, and they are rainbow-colored. He had, however, mentioned the rainbow wings before.

November 24th, 2020: The Spanish dub of the confession is released and a "rogue" translator has written "Y yo a ti" or "I love you too" as Dean's response. Destiel goes canon in Spanish. Tumblr stops working as a result.

November 25th, 2020: tumblr user @thebloggerbloggerfun claims Jensen Ackles said "I had a member of the film crew record the confession scene on my phone for me" #unsourced #releasethetapes

November 26th, 2020: Misha doesn't appreciate the rogue translator, but walks that opinion back later the same day

November 27th, 2020: A "leaked" Italian dub of the confession scene shows a mutual confession.

November 28th, 2020: President Obama follows a destiel account on Twitter

November 30th, 2020: The supposed "Italian dub" is revealed as a fake created by user @iotiamo using sound clips from other parts of the Italian dub on show.

December 1st, 2020: Twitter user @mothdean says "misha I know you have a stan acc and spy on us so can we have a hazel update please"

December 3rd, 2020: Misha tweets about Hazel snoring and this is taken as possible confirmation of Misha's secret stan account

December 11th, 2020: A script from Cas's perspective leaks. It says "We see Cass's POV of Dean again - his face drawn, drained of hope. But still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester."

December 16th, 2020: Newsweek runs an article about an article that Misha wrote about the Lewinsky affair while interning in the Clinton White House in which Misha comes off as rather thirsty for Bill

December 20th, 2020: All Supernatural related materials disappear off the CW's website due to a copyright dispute with Warner Brothers

December 31st, 2020: Mishapocalypse redux

February 9th, 2021: Spn cast members Chad Lindberg and Samantha Ferris tweet about a party at the Roadhouse and it grows to become a full Destiel wedding

February 16th, 2021: @steveyockey made a fairly benign post about Jensen Ackles. The notes went wild in a variety of ways and started a rumor that Spn writer Steve Yockey was dead

February 20th, 2021: Steve Yockey is not dead and he should say it

March 3rd, 2021: The German dub drops and it is also romantic in tone

March 6-8th, 2021: A virtual con happens where Jensen discusses Chaos Machine and Jared says he wants to be in their next project. They also show that WAP video. Jensen is giving full mountain man preparing to play Soldier Boy.

March 10th, 2021: The French dub is released. Cas says, "I love you, Dean" and Dean now responds, "Don't do this to me, Castiel"

March 13th, 2021: The company Amazon tweets about Castiel and Misha Collins asks if they ship Deancas or Wincest. Subsequently apologizes.

March 16th, 2021: Misha says he can't speak as Castiel because Warner Brothers" specifically forbade it. #cwsniperconfirmed

March 17th, 2021: Sam and Eileen are getting married! I have no idea how this came about but I'm happy for them

March 23rd, 2021: Chad Lindberg and Samantha Ferris claim on Twitter that the Roadhouse party was about Valentine's day and not a wedding. Ferris specifically said that she worked on the show and that people tried to make Dean/Cas into "something that it wasn't", She also stated she doesn't "know what queerbaiting is" and that it was due to an "agenda". This led to #deanisbi trending on Twitter and Tumblr.

March 31st, 2021: Some possibly fake leaked scripts come up for sale on eBay. Also, Jensen is Batman.

April 1st, 2021: Mishapocalypse redux

April 6th, 2021: Leaked scripts from the 2 final episodes pop up and have several mentions of Cas in them that were omitted. Dean even thinks about Cas's confession when confronting Chuck.

April 18th, 2021: Scripts from seasons 12 and 13 leak. These include scenes from after Cas's death

May 17th, 2021: Jensen's band Radio Company releases an album including the song Watching Over Me

June ~5th, 2021: Misha says at a convention that Watching Over Me is about Castiel. Jensen neither confirms nor denies this when asked about it

June 11th, 2021: It is announced that Misha is publishing a book of poetry

June 18th, 2021: The Russian dub airs and Dean's line is changed to "Don't you dare, Cas"

June 24-28th, 2021: Jensen and Daneel Ackles reveal that they are making a Supernatural prequel series following John and Mary Winchester (a story that NOBODY was asking for). Jensen will reprise his role as Dean and will narrate. Misha hints that he would like to be involved, as do Ruthie Connell, Samantha Ferris, Matt Cohen, and Julie McNiven (the perils of having a cast of mostly immortal characters). But Jared Padalecki first says that he is happy for the Ackles's, he later said he was "gutted", then responded to Robbie Thompson's tweet calling him a "coward" and saying "what an awful thing you've done". The next day, Jensen and Jared both do damage control and say they'll always be brothers

July 17th, 2021: People are asking if Destiel will be canon in Space Jam, Misha's poetry book's cover is revealed to lukewarm reviews and people are talking about a particular poem about piss, and Perfume Genius releases an article that is a self-insert vore fanfiction about having sex with Jensen Ackles

August 2nd, 2021: Perfume Genius is at it again with "Last Friday, I had my eyes removed by Jared Padalecki". No, I do not know why she is doing this.

August 9th, 2021: Destiel fics hit 100k on Ao3. Misha tweets his support and people remember that he sometimes reads fanfiction and theorize he has an A03 account

September 1st, 2021: Misha makes his first Tiktok. There is a short intro before he calls cut, walks behind a screen, and strips his clothes off

September 3rd, 2021: Jake Abel uses Michael and Adam to help sell his hot sauce brand

September 4th, 2021: Misha confirms that the love between Castiel and Dean was "reciprocated"

September 9th, 2021: A clip of the real Italian dub of the confession scene goes viral as it is revealed that, unlike the Spanish dub, they change the line to "ti voglio bene" or essentially "I love you like family". Misha responds with a video saying "Ciao Italia, ti amo" with the subtitle "Love is love in any language"

September 21st, 2021: Misha drops the fact that one of his poems is from Castiel's perspective.

September 30th, 2021: Jensen will be appearing at a con on the same day as Misha and not with Jared for "professional reasons"

October 4th, 2021: Misha responds to a fan's tweet by saying that Jensen has "crazy eyes and a knife in his pocket"

October 10th, 2021: Daneel posts a picture of Jensen intently reading Misha's poetry book in front of a roaring fire on Instagram. Misha responds that he misses them even more

October 12th, 2021: Jensen is cast in Rust, a (rather ill-fated) western and Misha says "Yippie-ki-yay" and calls him a stud in the comments

October 16th, 2021: Denvercon. Jensen and Jared reunite for the first time since THE INCIDENT

April 24th, 2022: Misha Collins says in terms of being an extrovert, an introvert, or a bisexual, he joked "I'm all three". This led to the internet celebrating Misha's newly revealed bisexuality.

April 25th, 2022: Misha Collins comes out as straight. Oops!

June 19th, 2022: According to Misha, Dean's heaven was supposed to be at the Roadhouse with all his friends and Cas was going to be there with him

November 7th, 2022: Misha calls Elon Musk a snowflake

November 12th, 2022: Tumblr starts planning another Mishapocalypse

January 24th, 2023: Jensen and the cast of the Winchesters throw Dean Winchester a birthday party, including wearing silly little hats

February 26th, 2023: At JIBcon 11, Jensen sings an improvised song about an angel while Misha sits cross-legged on the floor looking up at him

April 1st, 2023: 10 year anniversary of the Mishapocalypse

April 16th, 2023: A year after his bisexual whoopsie daisy, Misha says that Warner Brothers asked him to "let it go" and keep pretending to be bisexual.

August 23, 2023: Rogue Spanish translator is revealed to not have gone rogue at all but instead to have followed the script he was given, confirming the existence of a mutual love confession that was cut at some point.

If you can remember any events and dates that I haven't found, please let me know and I'll add them! I haven't really rounded out 2022 and 2023 yet.

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pottedplant53 · 9 months

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Twisted Wonderland Birthdates/Birthyears, In Order.

A comprehensive list of each TWST character’s exact birthdate, in order, down to the year + their ages. This will be going off of Twisted Wonderland’s release date, (2020), and not the current year (2023 at the time of writing). Contains chapter 7 spoilers.

- I’m aware that the Japanese school year starts in April instead of September, but for some reason my brain refused to process this so I ended up doing these based around the school year cut-off being September. I decided to post it anyway, since I’m pretty sure most of it’s still accurate, though I may do a Japanese version at some point!

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Lilia – Unknown, 1321. Chosen date is January 1st, 1321. (699 Years Old).

Silver – Unknown, 1621. Chosen date is May 15th, 2003. (299 - 300 Years Old, mentally 16 - 18).

Malleus – January 18th, 1842. (178 Years Old).

Leona – July 27th, 2000. (20 Years Old).

Trey – October 25th, 2001. (18 Years Old).

Rook – December 2nd, 2001. (18 Years Old).

Idia – December 18th, 2001. (18 Years Old).

Cater – February 4th, 2002. (18 Years Old).

Vil – April 9th, 2002. (18 Years Old).

Jamil – September 12th, 2002. (17 Years Old).

Jade - November 5th, 2002. (17 Years Old).

Floyd - November 5th, 2002. (17 Years Old).

Azul – February 24th, 2003. (17 Years Old).

Ruggie – April 18th, 2003. (17 Years Old).

Kalim – June 25th, 2003. (17 Years Old).

Riddle – August 24th, 2003. (17 Years Old).

Ace – September 23rd, 2003. (16 Years Old).

Jack – October 11th, 2003. (16 Years Old).

Sebek – March 17th, 2004. (16 Years Old).

Epel – May 6th, 2004. (16 Years Old).

Deuce – June 3rd, 2004. (16 Years Old).

Ortho – August 14th, 2011 - 2013. (6 - 8 Years Old, mentally 11 - 16).

~Ortho’s age is anonymous, so I had to do some speculations and maths here. I’m going to assume that R!Ortho was 8 years old at the date of his death, and that Idia constructed O!Ortho when he was around 10. This would give their parents plenty of time to start caring about Robortho before the pair left for Night Raven. I’m going to assume that O!Ortho is either 3 years old with the mental state of an 11 year old, or 3 years old with the mental state of a 16 year old (since he joined the first years, albeit as a special exception). Personally I’m leaning more towards the former.

~If Lilia was 300 years old during the war and Silver was a baby at the time (seemingly 0 - 1 years old) then that would mean that his birthyear falls somewhere between 1620 - 1622, most likely 1621. Lilia also states that the day he found Silver was the day that he decided for Silver's birthday, meaning that the odds of May 15th being his real birthday are 1/365. During Silver's identity crisis dream we see what he looked like on the day that Lilia found him, which we've established was May 15th, and he looks to be roughly 6 months old.

It's possible that Lilia thought of this and decided to consider this Silver's 1st birthday, but if that were the case, there's a good 50% chance that Silver has actually been awake for 16 years of his life, which would actually be very clever since Aurora was 16. In the reverse, if Lilia decided to treat the day he found Silver as the day he was born, then there's a 50% chance that Silver is actually 18. Basically what I'm saying is I haven't got a fucking clue-)

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Hope you get some use out of it, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on anything <3

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tightjeansjavi · 1 year

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Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Boston QZ : Part 9 ‘Rescue’

A/N: this was an extremely difficult chapter to write. So much happens and I want you to all please take care of yourself after reading. If it becomes too much, if you feel like you need to step away, please do not hesitate. Your mental health comes first. ♡

Summary: You and Joel find a middle ground after his PTSD episode from the night before. It’s Spring now, and you’re finally ready to get in on the action. Joel and Tess have trained you well. Uprisings of violence have left the three of you no choice but to leave the QZ. You plan to meet with another group at an abandon bookstore to plan your escape. Upon your arrival, you realize that someone has set you up. 6 against 3. What a slim chance of survival.

~word count : 8.7k~

Warnings: age gap (m/c is 28) graphic, detailed descriptions of violence. Shoot out. Guns/knives, knife wounds, graphic descriptions of blood. Agony, unrequited love, pining, angst, confession of feelings, trauma, feelings of guilt, child loss, swearing, anger, soft ! Joel, violent ! Joel, literally this is just one cluster fuck of emotions. This is not for sensitive viewers. (+18) MINORS DNI !

Songs for this chapter:

“Rescue” by Lauren Daigle

“Shrike” by Hozier

“Sign of the Times” By Harry Styles

“evermore” By Taylor Swift

“Particles” By Nothing But Thieves

“Lift me Up” By Rihanna

“Turning Page” By Sleeping At Last”

___________________

December 25th 2020 : Boston QZ

~Joel Miller’s POV~

Joel didn’t like to believe that he was born with a violent heart. Joel liked to believe that he was still a good person, deep down. Before the world had gone to shit, before the cordyceps, before the government murdered his baby girl in his arms, before all of that. Joel Miller was a gentle, protective and caring father. Becoming a father was Joel’s proudest moment. Being a good dad was tough, sure but Joel did everything for his baby girl. It was all for her.

Joel believed that his violent heart was a result in the world as he knew it, ending. When Sarah died, all he could think about was revenge and he meant it when he told you last night, in his fury, that he was a murderer, a cold blooded killer. That’s what he was. He went to bed with the knowledge of his past, and the consequences of his actions. He lived in it every single fucking day.

Last night should have gone differently. He thought to himself. It was early in the morning. He hadn’t gotten much sleep after he stormed off. He stared at the wall, recounting his dead daughter's screams, for hours. He recounted the fear in your eyes when he snapped at you. The way you flinched when he threw the glass at the wall. How you cowered away into the comfort of the couch, like a frightened animal. Despite his violent outburst, you still tried to comfort him, to bring him down. You were so fucking gentle with him. Even after he had let his rage out on you, your only goal was to get your Joel back. He couldn’t understand why you allowed yourself to stay so calm, to comfort him after he had treated you so poorly? After he had projected his years of pent up pain, agony and grief onto you, you still showed him kindness. Joel felt that he didn’t deserve that from you. He felt that he didn’t deserve you at all.

He swore he could still feel the caress of your palm against his face, the way your eyes frantically searched his, looking for anything you could find in his darkened pupils. He subconsciously found himself brushing his fingers against his beard then. You were too fucking good for him, too good for this fucked up world.

He had left his bedroom around 2 in the morning after he had calmed down, his footsteps were quiet as he padded down the hall to your curled up form on the couch. He wanted to make sure you got a decent night's sleep, it was the least he could do after what had happened. Joel had leaned down then, gently bringing his arms around you and lifted you up, bridal style from the couch, cradling you against his chest as he quietly carried you to your room. He watched you with soft eyes as you subconsciously turned your cheek against his chest, right against his heart. You looked so peaceful in your sleep. He quietly pushed your door open with his hip bringing you to your bed and gently set you down. He grabbed the quilt at the end of the bed and draped it across your small frame. Joel had leaned down, brushing a few strands of hair from your face and left a ghost of a kiss against your forehead, his eyes closing for a moment before he pulled away.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. I’m so sorry.” He whispered to himself as he looked down at you. A moment later, he had turned on his heel and willed himself to leave your room. He wanted to lay there with you, hold you close to his chest and apologize for his actions. You needed sleep, and he intended to give that to you. Joel for the first time, was actively putting your feelings above his own. He was trying to make that effort. It was the bare minimum but you deserved it. You deserved so much more than he felt that he could give you.

After he had left your room and returned to his own, and when he could no longer hear his daughter's screams ringing in his ears, Joel thought about you. His thoughts were constantly drifting to you and he wasn’t even trying to deny it anymore. What was there to deny? He had a soft spot for you. He wanted to be as close as he physically could be to you. He wanted to know everything about you. He was the flame from a lit match and you were the oxygen, keeping that flame alive. Last night was the first time you had ever truly opened up to him, and he fucking blew it. You had put your trust so deeply into him and he so easily lost sight of what truly mattered most. Last night Joel realized that you weren’t always so tough, so sure of yourself.

Last night, Joel saw a different side of you. The vulnerable, caring, and fragile side of you. You were a complex person, he realized. A complex person with deeply rooted emotions. You loved deep dish pizza and that stupid fucking Chicago Bean. You had a horse named Honey that was a Palomino, with the softest dappling, and you were the best of friends. Honey was violently murdered by raiders one winter, you were sixteen. You had the sweetest laugh that could make even the coldest man smile. You were a bubbly drunk, and ballsy wrapped up in one. You were affectionate towards those you cared about the most, and you cared so deeply for them. You held his face in your hands even when he turned violent and screamed and threw glasses at the wall and screamed some more.

These were just a handful of the things Joel recounted from last night. He could replay the entire sequence over and over in his head. All the way up to the moment where he snapped. The switch was flipped and he wished that you never had to see him that way. As he sat there in his solitude, he thought about how easy it would be for him to shut himself off from you again. To turn a cold shoulder, to make you feel as if you meant nothing to him. How easy it would be for him to push you so far away, so cruelly, you would never try to be close to him again. If Sarah was here, she’d be telling him off. “Why would you go and do that, dad?” He could hear her voice now. “Dad, I love you, but you’re an idiot. Don’t mess this up! She’s a good one. She makes you laugh, you smile the most when you’re around her.” He found himself turning his head to the side then, looking at the empty spot on the end of his bed and he imagined his little girl now. He found himself outstretching his hand and brushed it through the thin air, his face falling when he realized she was never really there, and he had just pictured her memory in his mind. He clutched the air in a tight fist before slowly bringing his hand down to rest along the rustled covers. He was trembling. “I’m not gonna let you down, baby girl. Okay? I–promise. I’ll fix this. I will. I–love you so much.” His tone was hushed and his voice had cracked towards the end.

He had sat there, staring at the empty space on his bed for what felt like hours before his senses returned. He knew then that he couldn’t push you away again. Things had gotten too personal. His walls had come tumbling down with yours in a deafening crescendo. Shutting you out permanently would in turn, tear him up inside. With his daughter’s words fresh on his mind, he knew that he had to fix this. Apologize, make it up to you somehow. If you needed space from him, he would give it to you. If you wanted to scream at him, cry in his arms, punch the wall, he would let you and in return, he would be there for you in any possible fucking way he could. However you would have him, he’d be there; indefinitely.

Joel had no plan of action whatsoever. He had no clue how you would react to him whenever you would wake up. It made him nervous. Nervous over the fact that the sheer chance that you wouldn’t ever forgive him was a real possibility. You were the most understanding individual that he had ever met but like himself, everyone including you, had their breaking point. It was inevitable to not have one and he hoped, prayed that you hadn’t hit yours.

He did what any normal, with a hint of insanity, person would do. He busied himself while you rested. He forced himself to leave his room, he checked his appearance in the cracked mirror in his bathroom, at least 100 times. Fixing his hair, splashing ice cold water in his face to calm his nerves. He was careful to be quiet despite how creaky the old floorboards were. The last thing he wanted to do was wake you. When he had come upon the shattered glass all along the floor against the back wall, he imagined the fear in your eyes again. The way you flinched and cowered away from him. He didn’t want you to wake up and be instantly reminded of his violence so he sank down to his knees, and started to pick the larger shards of glass up, carefully. He had cut his fingers a few times on some jagged pieces but he didn’t care. Minimal cuts held no power over him. The rest he picked up with an old newspaper page. When he deemed that the majority of the glass was picked up, he moved onto the next task.

He fluffed up the pillows on the couch as best he could. He then refolded the thick quilt he had draped around you hours ago, It faintly smelled of you. When he found the book you had been reading still on the floor, he bent down and picked it up. You had dog-eared the page you had left off on so he was easily able to flip to it. He skimmed over the words from the passage and it then dawned upon him, you had nearly been crying because of this damn book. This damn Heathcliff being a total jackass–who the hell talks to someone on their deathbed like that? He closed the page then and set it down on the coffee table. He moved into the kitchen then, grabbing the half bottle of whiskey and tucking it back into the cabinet. You could hold your liquor decently well, but he enjoyed seeing you get all flushed in the face, and fucking giggly. You were an adorable drunk. You looked so pretty with your lips wrapped around the rim of the glass– “focus Joel.” he said to himself. Now was not the time to allow his head to go to the gutter, no matter how easy it was to end up there. He put away the stray mugs and any other clutter found on the surface of the counter. When he was finished, he started the kettle so he could make you a cup of tea. He knew that could bring you a small bit of comfort at least.

He moved back to the couch and sank down. His curiosity surrounding the book you were reading got the best of him. He grabbed it from the coffee table and flipped back to the first page. He wasn’t a super big reader by any means, he had no reason to be. However, this was the only way he could pass the time till you would wake up. He quickly found himself immersed in the story of Catherine and Heathcliff, just like you had. Joel almost hadn’t heard the creaking of your door, or the soft sound of your footsteps padding down the hall but when he did, he shut the book quickly, tossing it on the coffee table as he sat up. Your footsteps were quiet, hesitant in a sense from how careful you were treading. His heart sank a little but he refused to lose all hope just yet.

When you had come into his view, the first thing he noticed was how exhausted you looked. He knew he was the cause of it. He took notice of how your arms were crossed over your chest. Most likely from the chill in the apartment but it made his heart sink further in his gut. What really did him in was how you averted your eyes completely from his. As if you were afraid that by just looking at him, you would set him off again. Joel knew then that how he acted last night, had severe consequences. He had emotionally damaged you.

He broke the tension then. “ ‘Mornin.” he rasped out, fiddling with his fingers as he waited for your response.

He was met with silence.

“I uh–I made you some tea. It’s on the stove, I can get it for ya if you’d like.”

He was already up from his spot on the couch then, quickly walking into the kitchen area and grabbed your favorite mug and one of the last tea bags from Frank. He poured the hot water in before steeping the tea bag. You hadn’t moved from your spot in the middle of the room. This worried him immensely.

He brought the mug over to you then, hesitantly. He stopped a few inches in front of you as he held it out to you, waiting for you to grab it.

You had slowly looked up at him then, reaching for the mug and clutched it to your chest, the warmth settled into you, but your blood still ran cold.

“Gwen–” He was cut off by you.

“Why are you doing this, Joel?” Your tone was barely above a whisper and your eyes were looking anywhere but at his.

“Gwen, what are you talking about? I just wanted to make you a cup of tea–”

“No, Joel. You know that’s not what I meant. Why do you care? Why are you suddenly being nice to me?”

He looked at you then, finding it hard to find his words in the moment so when he didn’t answer, you continued.

“I can’t–I can’t keep doing this Joel. If you’re gonna push me away, just fuckin do it. You don’t have to stand there and pretend like you care about me. I know I overstepped last night, and I'm sorry for what I did. Just save me the pain and just say whatever it is you're going to say. Rip the bandaid off, Joel. Go on, I can handle it.”

He took a deep breath then, running his fingers through his hair momentarily. He expected you to be upset with him, you had every right to be. What he didn’t expect was how you were going to deliver this painful blow to him and now his hope was beginning to dwindle.

“Gwen, I have no intentions of pushin you away like that.”

“Bullshit.” Your words stung. You were waiting for him to yell, to snap on you again but it never came.

Joel had reached out and gently grasped your shoulders in his warm, calloused hands. You had flinched from the sudden contact but didn’t move away from his touch.

“Gwen, I swear on my daughter’s grave that I ain’t gonna push you away. Doll, look at me, please?” He was nearly begging you now. “I’m so sorry for how I treated you last night. You didn’t know about Sarah. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve to deal with me like that.”

He watched as you slowly looked up at him, fresh tears threatening to spill over because you were just exhausted. Joel, and whatever it was that was going on between you, whether it be a friendship or something more, exhausted you to the bone. You knew deep down that Joel was more than a friend, Joel meant more to you than he would ever know.

“Then why did you leave me? I-I was there for you. I held you. I comforted you, and then you up and fucking left.” You pushed his hands off your shoulders then, taking a step back.

“Baby, please just let me–”

“No, Joel. Stop it. Please stop it! I’m begging you. I’m not your baby, Joel. I’m not your doll. I’m nothing to you. Please stop messing with my emotions. You’ve already taken so much from me and now? It feels like a slap to my fucking face.”

He watched as you backed away from him, creating a distance and he was afraid that this was you leaving him. You had enough and last night was your breaking point.

“Gwen, Please. Just listen to what I have to say. All of it, Okay? If you decide after that you don’t wanna trust me, that you don’t think I care about ya, then i’ll let you go, okay?” I left you last night because it was too fucking much for me to handle. I had screamed at you, thrown glasses at the wall, made you feel like a trapped fuckin animal and you still held me. It–it confused the fuck out of me. I know it sounds like some lousy excuse, but I didn’t know what else to do Gwen. I didn’t want to leave you there like that. Not after what I just put you through.” He took a small step towards you then, his eyes trained on yours, pleading with you to believe him.

“I didn’t fuckin sleep last night because I just felt so guilty and if I could take back what had happened, I would. In a fuckin heart beat, I would have.”

The realization dawned upon you that Joel had carried you to bed sometime last night. You were half awake, still buzzed but you remember his familiar scent, his warm chest, his steady heart beat. You faintly heard his voice, felt his lips against the skin on your forehead. “You carried me to bed. Didn’t you?”

“I did. When I found you curled up on the couch like that, it didn’t feel right to just leave you there. You looked so uncomfortable and it was the least I could do. I know it wasn’t much, but I wanted you to wake up in the comfort of your own bed after all that happened.”

He watched as you slowly turned your head to the side, it was obvious that you were dealing with your own inner conflict now just by your demeanor. When you finally composed your thoughts, you looked back at him once more.

“You did all that, because you care about me? Why?”

Joel thought it was obvious that he cared about you but when he really thought about it, he had thrown your emotions through the ringer on multiple occasions. He had battered you up more than he realized. So, of course you were going to question him. He hadn’t given you any reason to believe that he really did give a shit about you. Considering he kept his feelings about you to himself. He wasn’t good at expressing them, and now it was coming out all at once and he couldn’t stop it.

“Gwen, of course I care about you. I care about you too fuckin much for my own good. Remember how I acted when you had that fever? I was terrified that you weren’t gonna make it.”

“Yeah? Then you came back, took care of me and fuckin pushed me away again.”

He rubbed his fingers against his temples then as he inhaled through his nose.

“I know what I did Gwen, and I’m sorry. I thought at that moment I was ‘doin the right thing. You cared too, didn’t you? I heard it. I heard you throw your knife at the fuckin wall.”

You scoffed under your breath then. “You’re doing a real fucking terrible job at presenting a convincing case right now, Joel.”

He took a step towards you then. He watched as you took one back.

“Look me in the fuckin eyes and tell me that you didn’t care, Gwen. That night, before I met up with Tess at the rendezvous point, I told you that she and I were together. You cared, I know you did. You just did damn fuckin good job at hiding it from me.”

He watched as you narrowed your eyes at him, your hands were balled at your sides in tight fists and you were trembling.

“Tell me that you don’t give a shit about me, ‘darlin. Tell me.”

Another step forward from him and your back was nearly touching the wall.

“Don’t fucking do this to me Joel. Stop it please. You can walk away now. There’s still time for you to fucking walk away.”

“Why do you keep fuckin pushing me away?”

“Caring about you the way that I do, is only going to end up getting me fucking killed Joel. Sooner or later, this is going to catch up to us! We’re all gonna die eventually. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it to feel, to devote yourself to someone, when the fucking world could take them away from you in a heart beat!” Your back was now pressed against the wall, Joel was everywhere, all at once.

His chest was now barely touching yours, his forehead was dipped down, resting against yours. His warm breath was lightly fanning your face.

“I’d kill a thousand fuckin men before I’d allow that to happen, Gwen.”

You physically had to create some distance between you. He was too close, too real, too everything. You placed your hand on his chest to push him away and create that distance, but he wouldn’t budge.

“No Joel. Stop it. You don’t mean that. I’m not worth it, I’m not and you have Tess—”

“You don’t think you’re fuckin worth it? You’re fuckin incredible. You’re the only good left in this fuckin world, Gwen! I’ve been fighting this for so fuckin long. Do you realize that? I imagine what my life would be like if we didn’t rescue you from those raiders. If you didn’t give me this fucking scar? He gestured to the small dent on his eyebrow, the end result of you throwing a knife at his face 3 years ago. My life wouldn’t fuckin matter Gwen. I wouldn’t care if I lived another day. There was nothing left for me to fuckin live for. Then you came along, you showed up and fuckin flipped my goddamn world upside down. I hate you for it, you know that? I hate you for it because I fucking care so much—if something were to happen to you? I’m putting it all out on the fuckin table, baby. I’ve got nothing left to fuckin lose. You’re right, we live in a fucked up world. Hell, we could die tomorrow for all we know. Y’know what I’m not gonna do? I’m not gonna hide. I ain’t gonna run. I’m right fuckin here and I will wait for as long as I have to, I will wait for you.”

The weight of Joel’s desperate confession, knocked the wind straight out of you. It felt like he was depleting all the air from your lungs. Your heart was pounding against your chest, your eyes were wide and the tears that threatened to spill over, finally came. He was cupping your face in his hands before you even had the chance to wipe them away yourself.

“Joel, I can’t fucking afford to lose you. I can’t.” Your words came out in a choked out sob.

“Shh. Shh, ‘darlin. I’m right here. I ain’t goin anywhere. You’re not gonna lose me alright? I’m right here. It’s gonna take a hell of a lot to take me out anyway. I’d give ‘em hell first.” He was speaking so gently to you now. His thumbs were vigorously wiping away your tears and you finally gave in, falling into his chest as you clutched his shirt between your fists like your life depended on it. You were exhausted from fighting how you felt about this man. Your walls were crumbling down around you, while Joel was right there to hold you together. When your knees finally gave out, he scooped you up into his arms so you didn’t have to stand anymore. He held you so fucking close to him in those moments and you let it all happen; you were done fighting.

________

For the rest of the afternoon, you and Joel sat together in comfortable silence. So much had happened, so much was said and yet, you were both content just being in each other's presence. Tess had made it home safely sometime in the middle of the night. She was too exhausted to even notice you and Joel passed out on the couch together. He had draped the thick quilt over both of you, you had your calves comfortably resting in his lap and his fingers had been rubbing soothing circles into your skin before he had drifted off, not letting you go. Even if on the off chance she had noticed, she was too exhausted to care.

_________________

For the rest of the brutal winter, Joel made it his mission to continue training you. You spent many hours out in the woods together. Practicing your shooting, combat skills, and everything in between. Tess had even accompanied you on a few occasions. She taught you the dirty ways to win a fight, especially against a man. This was the first time you felt that she was viewing you as her equal.You appreciated her knowledge more than she would ever realize, and you came to find out that Tess was pretty fucking funny when she wanted to be. Everything was falling into place the way he should be. By spring, you were ready and adequately prepared to get in on the action, finally.

Spring brought new beginnings. With these new beginnings, came new challenges. The Boston QZ was arresting, prosecuting, and executing residents on the daily. Anyone that was caught breaking a rule, attempting to escape, committing treason, or acts of violence, were publicly executed every morning. You weren’t just dumping the infected dead anymore, you were dumping familiar faces into the deep pits. Times were getting tough and with every body you dumped, another new resident would come through the gates. It would only be a matter of time before Joel would get thrown in lock up, or worse. He had a few FEDRA soldiers wrapped around his finger but how long was that really going to last? On-top of everything, there were more firefly attacks. With hushed whispers of a possible overthrowing of the fascist pieces of shit that swore to protect their residents, and were murdering them instead. The QZ was never safe to begin with but now, it was turning into an active war-zone. Joel had made the decision that the three of you needed to get the hell out of dodge.

There were a few other smugglers that had the same idea as you. Joel agreed that having a larger group would increase the chances of escaping. More bodies = more lookouts = higher chance of survival. At least, that’s how he explained it. You had agreed to meet with the rest of the group at the rendezvous point: the abandoned QZ bookstore. It had enough cover in case something were to go wrong, and you always had to expect the worst.

“ ‘Alright, sundown we head out. If things get sketchy, we run. No turning back.” Joel had said hours before the escape plan would ensue. As he was talking, he was looking right at you. He was always looking at you.

Evening came quickly and you found yourself packing the essentials from your room and taking one last look of what was your home for 3 years. It was bittersweet, but there was no time for emotions, you had to get out fast. Slinging your backpack over your shoulder, you took one look at your barren bed and closed the door behind you. Little did you know, this would not be your last time in the apartment.

Joel and Tess had been loading up their guns at the kitchen table when you had walked in, your gun and knife tucked securely in their holster. When Joel had sensed your presence, he looked up for a moment and gave you a reassuring nod. His eyes told you that everything was going to end up being okay, and you believed him.

The three of you headed out of the apartment and onto the streets, quietly. Joel in front, you in the middle and Tess behind you. The abandoned bookstore was only about a 10 minute walk. It was no stroll, however. You still needed to be on high alert. The three of you moved silently through the shadows of the alleyways, backing yourself into a tight corner when a FEDRA truck would drive by with foot soldiers.

You had made it to your destination without getting caught. Joel had quietly pushed open the door with his shoulder, his gun was drawn and he looked around the expanse of the building, his eyes searching for any moment and when he deemed it safe, he ushered you and Tess inside, closing the door behind them. The bookstore was nearly destroyed. There were bookcases knocked off, shattered glass, books strewn about. Like most of the buildings, nature had begun to take over once more. There was moss throughout and long winding vines stretching up towards the half collapsing roof. You had your gun drawn now but couldn’t help but walk through the wreckage, glancing at what books were left along a mostly untouched shelf.

Minutes had gone by and there was no sign of the rest of the group's arrival. Something was wrong. You could all sense it and Tess was the first to speak up.

“Joel, something doesn’t feel right. Something’s off. They should have been here already someone probably fuckin set us up.”

Joel had kicked at a piece of rotten wood on the floor then, muttering under his breath.

“We’ll give it another minute and if they don’t show up, we’ll book it, alright?”

Something was definitely very off.

Another minute had passed and no sign of the group’s arrival.

“Alright, Joel we gave it another minute and now—”

Tess was cut off by the sound of debris crunching under heavy padded boots and Joel was already raising his gun from the intrusion. He looked to his left then, where you were standing, gun drawn and he motioned for you to get behind the bookcase.

“Gwen.” He hissed. “Get down. Get behind the bookcase, NOW.” His tone was urgent, but his eyes were focused on where the sound had come from. You ducked behind the bookcase then, crouching down with your gun held steadily at your chest, your finger on the trigger and then you heard familiar voices. The unfriendly kind. Robert’s fuckin henchmen.

“Joel, Tess.” The man had paused then. They had 6 men with them, heavily armed. “Where’s that pretty little thing you've been hiding away, Miller? What’s her name again?”

He snapped his fingers, making it seem like he couldn’t remember your name.

“Ah, Gwendolyn! That’s it. She’not hanging around with your sleazy ass anymore?”

“It’s Gwen.” You and Joel had simultaneously whispered out.

“What was that?” The man mused. “Gwen. Right, got it.” He took a step to the left, Joel’s eyes and gun followed him.

“So, she ain’t here then? Not hiding in the shadows waiting to snipe us out? Gwen, sweetheart, you hiding from us?” He sing-songed. It sent bile rising up your throat and your finger hovered over the trigger once more.

“She ain’t here. What the hell are you doin out here, James?” Joel spoke calmly, his gun still trained on him, watching him closely.

“Oh? She’s not. Well, ain’t that a shame.” He kicked over the standing bookcase that was a few feet from where you were hiding. The crashing sound nearly made Joel flinch and you had sucked in a shaky, low breath.

“Y’know Miller, it’s funny you’d ask. We caught wind that you wanted to get the hell out of dodge. Thought to myself, Joel Miller? On the run? There’s no way. Then one of your so-called “friends” rats you out. Say’s that you’re meeting up here tonight, and you’re leaving the QZ.” He kicked a book on the floor then and it landed with a thud, right in front of you.

“Can you imagine the look on Robert's face when we told him that you were ditchin?” He chuckled.

“I could give less of a fuck what Robert had to say about it.” Joel was quick to respond back.

“Course you could give less of a fuck, Miller. You thought you could just slip on out of here without him knowing? Never took you to be a fool. So here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna put the guns down. We don’t wanna fight. You’re gonna give us the pills that you owe us and we’ll go our separate ways.”

“If we don’t?”

James smirked then, looking over at the fellow smuggler. “We kill you both and take the girl. I know she’s hiding here somewhere, Miller. You couldn’t protect her forever. Robert’s been askin about her. He’d be pretty pleased if we showed up with the pills and her. Would definitely brighten his day.”

“I ain’t got any pills on me James. My guy got thrown in lock up and they’re probably gonna kill him tomorrow. You go back and tell Robert that he’s gonna have to find someone else.”

“Damn, you don’t have anything on you Miller? The hell happened? You’ve gone soft or somethin?” He had taken a step closer to the still-standing bookcase and Joel followed, he already had sweat beading on his forehead from the intensity of the situation, his blood was pounding in his ears.

“I don’t have shit on me James. We haven’t made a run in fuckin weeks cause of FEDRA. Look, I can offer you some of our supplies and ammo but that’s about it.”

You had slowly moved from your crouched position. From your angle, you’d have a good chance at taking one of his men out, but you’d have to be quick about it. It was risky, but you knew that if you didn’t at least try, the three of you were not going to make it out of there alive. Now was your chance to prove just how lethal you could be.

James sighed then. “You really never make this easy, huh? Well Joel, Tess, it’s been nice knowing ya—”

He was cut off by a gunshot, your gun. You had peeked around the side of the bookcase, aiming your gun at the one man that was closest to Tess. You breathed in, exhaled out, remembering Joel’s instructions as you released the trigger—BANG. The sound of the man dropping with a sickening thud was enough to have everyone turn in the direction of the gunshot.

“You’re a fuckin liar Miller and you’re gonna die for it—” more gunshots echoed and the chaos ensued.

Tess had taken out one man before she crouched behind a bookcase further from you. Bullets were flying everywhere, and now all three of you were hiding in opposite areas of the building. Popping up to shoot before crouching back down. You could only hide for so long.

You peeked around the corner once more, taking aim at one of the men once more, having a good shot at his leg. Before you could pull the trigger, you were harshly yanked back by your hair, the gun was ripped out of your grasp and thrown on the floor before you were slammed into the mossy pavement. You could faintly hear Joel yell for you through the ringing in your ears. He couldn’t reach you from where he was crouched. He couldn’t protect you. He was helpless.

You could feel blood trickling down your forehead, a kick to your gut from the heel of James boot sent you gasping for air, squeezing your eyes shut from the intense pain that knocked into you. Another kick and you were seeing stars. Surely, you’d have some angry bruises blooming on your skin.

“Fuckin knew you were here the entire time bitch.” He spat, yanking you up once more by your hair. “Think you’re so clever huh? What’re you gonna do now, sweetheart. Joel can’t fuckin save you.”

He had thrown you down to the pavement once more before he was on top of you, holding you down with his weight while you screamed and fought back with everything you had left in you. Your screams shattered Joel to the core, and he was left seeing only red behind his eyes.

In your fight for survival, you had grasped the hilt of your blade from your holster and yanked it out, in the process you had sliced James arm and sent him falling back, giving you the leverage you needed to get yourself up. You threw yourself onto him, jabbing your blade into his chest with a yell of pure rage. You heard his groans of agony as you twisted the blade deeper. Watching the life drain from his violent eyes before you yanked the blade from his chest and fell back against the pavement. In your rush of adrenaline, you hadn’t realized that he had his knife out and it was now pierced through your abdomen. White hot pain shot through your nerves as you took harsh breaths, crying out in agony from the pain you were feeling as you grasped the hilt of the blade lodged in your flesh.

Tess had seen you go down first and she shot up from her crouched position, taking aim at the last of Robert’s men, pulled the trigger and shot him in the head, between his eyes. She didn’t even wait to see him drop before she was rushing over to you. When she saw Jame’s blade sticking out of your gut, the blood pooling around the wound, she yelled.

“Joel.”

“JOEL!”

She was crouched beside you now grabbing your hand so you couldn’t pull the blade out.

Joel had rushed over to you then, pushing over what was left of the bookcase and when he found you laying on the concrete, gasping and crying out, and Tess holding your hand, he had images of Sarah. The blood pooling around her shirt, her gasps and cries—

“No. No. No. NO!”

He yelled, dropping to his knees beside you

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck. You’re okay Gwen. You’re okay baby we’re gonna get you out of here, okay? We’re gonna get you out of here!”

You were struggling to breathe and both Joel and Tess’s voices sounded fuzzy and far away. You only had a matter of time before it would be too late.

“Tess, help me! We have to get her up!”

He was already reaching for you then, wrapping his arm around your shoulder so he could lift you up. The movement caused the blade to shift and it sent another wave of pain as you cried out.

“I know baby I know. I have to get you up! I have to! Look at me baby, look at me! I’ve got you okay? I have to get you up!”

He brought your arm around his shoulder then before he hoisted you up into his arms, while Tess ripped off her jacket so she could apply pressure to your wound, there was so much blood already.

Joel was in a fury as he held you against his chest and let Tess lead the way out of the building as he ran like hell, each step he took caused you more pain and your eyes were barely open now, as you struggled to hold on.

“Look at me baby! Don’t close your eyes! Keep looking at me! I’m right here—I’m right here please please hold on baby! Please!” He was desperately pleading with you then as he quickened his pace.

“Baby I got you, I got you please please stay with me, Gwen! Stay with me!” His tone became more desperate, more raw as your eyes had fluttered shut by the time they had reached the apartment.

His jacket was now soaked in your blood as he kicked the apartment door open, Tess had rushed to the table, knocking everything off it as he gently laid you down on the surface.

“Get me the fuckin alcohol and first aid kit! Hurry, Tess!”

He worked fast at applying pressure to your wound, his hands were wet with your blood and he was fighting back his tears. He couldn’t lose you, not like this. “It’s going to be okay baby, I promise! I’m going to fix you right up! Open your eyes, Gwen! Please!” He applied more pressure to slow down the bleeding and you shot up, grabbing his hand and squeezed down hard as you screamed.

“I know baby I know, stay with me! I can’t take it out yet baby I’m sorry! I’ll make the pain go away, I promise! I’ll make it go away!” He watched as you fell back against the table once more just as Tess came back with the bottle of rubbing alcohol and the first aid kit and a few towels to use to pressurize the wound.

“Tess I need you to fucking hold her down okay? She’s gonna move when I take this out and then you get those towels on her right after, okay?!”

Tess had nodded, she was far calmer than Joel in those moments and thank god, because if she wasn’t, there’s no way he was gonna get through this.

“Okay baby I’m going to take it out now okay? It’s going to hurt for a minute but you gotta trust me! Count with me, 1-2-3!—” he had quickly yanked the blade from your abdomen then. The scream you let out would forever haunt his dreams as Tess held you down, you could make out her face slightly through your pain and deliria. Her eyes showed fear, fear that you could die on this table tonight.

Joel had tossed the blade to the side then as he grabbed the towels and pressed them down hard onto your abdomen, Tess took over then and he held your face in his bloodstained hands. He was covered in your blood and it made him feel sick. “Baby, baby. Hey, baby. Open your eyes dammit, please. Your eyes are so beautiful, Gwen. Please let me see them again.” He stroked your cheekbones gently, tears running down his face. “We’re gonna fix you right up. Gonna stop the bleeding and stitch you up, okay?” He had kissed you then, for the first time. He kissed you with tears wetting his cheeks, leaving salty streaks in their wake. He could taste the blood on your lips from the gash on your head, but he kissed you as if he could breathe life back into you from his lips alone.

“Joel if we can’t slow down the bleeding—”

“Don’t fuckin talk like that Tess! Don’t. She’s going to be okay, we're gonna fix her up. We’re gonna save her! She can’t fuckin die like this dammit. She can’t!”

With the strength that you had left in you, you slowly reached your hand up brushing your fingers against his face, your touch was there and gone as fast as it came. His face fell when your arm dropped to the side of the table, your fingers outstretched and unmoving.

“No. No. No. You are not dying like this dammit! Don’t fuckin leave me, please!”

He moved the blood soaked towels off of your wound and onto the floor. The bleeding had stopped enough for him to stitch you up, but he had to be fast.

“Tess, get me the needle and thread!”

He wiped his hands off quickly then as Tess grabbed the needle and thread, they didn’t have a lighter to sterilize it but there was no time to think about those things.

“I need you to hold her hand and talk to her, okay? Just fucking talk to her and tell her that everything is going to be okay!”

“Joel—”

“No Tess, fucking do it, please!”

She grabbed your hand then, giving it a squeeze while Joel had started to stitch your wound up, she used her free hand to feel for your pulse then. It was there, but it was faint. You were barely just holding on. She had crouched down then brushing some hair from your face gently, seeing the matted blood from the gash on your head. She leaned down and whispered. “Hey, I know you love him, Gwen. So please, do us both a favor and don’t die tonight. He needs you. I know he does. You don’t deserve to go out like this. You’re gonna be okay. You’re a fighter, remember? Always have been”

Joel had started to stitch you up then, he was no expert but he worked fast despite the horrors that he was facing in his mind. This situation was all too similar to what he went through with losing Sarah. Except, this time he actually had a chance to save you, and he would be damned if he didn’t try.

You had faintly squeezed Tess’s hand, you heard what she said, part of it, and you were going to fight like hell.

When Joel had finished stitching you up, he looked up at your face to see if there were any signs that you were still there. He grabbed the rubbing alcohol and applied it around the wound before he ripped open a thing of 17 year old gauze and placed it down on top of the wound along with a bandage. Finally, he grabbed the bottle of penicillin. If the blood loss didn’t take you out, infection certainly would. He injected the needle into the vein in your arm then and looked at Tess before he sunk back into the chair with his face in his hands.

“Joel. Hey, Joel. She’s breathing. She squeezed my hand. I think she might have heard me.”

He looked up at her then, feeling exhausted and defeated but he willed himself to stand and be by your side once more. He pulled the chair back before he sat down, grabbing your outstretched hand and brought it up to his face. He pressed a soft kiss to the outside of your palm, interlocking his fingers with yours and squeezed. It was a gentle reminder to you that he meant it when he said he wasn’t going anywhere. He would be right there for you, always.

Tess hadn’t let go of your hand either, she used her free hand to grab the rubbing alcohol and a gauze pad. He watched in disbelief as she poured the liquid onto the gauze and gently dabbed it on the gash along your head and wiped the matted blood away.

Joel and Tess sat there with you till you showed early signs of recovery, your chest was beginning to rise and fall at a normal rate. Your breathing was still faint but it was there and sure beacon that you weren’t done yet.

Joel had gently lifted your body from the table, bringing you over to the couch and set you down before he draped the blanket across you. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your head, closing his eyes for a moment before he had pulled back.

Tess was already disposing of the bloodied towels and your shirt. The table looked like a crime scene, your blood was everywhere and when Joel came to help, she stopped him then.

“Hey, it’s okay. I got this, really. Go and be with her. She needs you the most right now.”

He reluctantly agreed, giving Tess a slight nod before he walked over to the couch and slowly sank down, he lifted your head gently so you could rest it on his lap, his movements were extremely slow and gentle as he didn’t want to accidentally hurt you. He noticed your dried blood all over his hands still, a painful reminder of what had happened.

______

Tess had joined him then, she sat across from him on the coffee table. Her hands were stained with your blood as well. Both parties were silent then, replaying what had happened in their minds before Tess had finally spoke, breaking the silence.

“Y’know, I should have never underestimated her. She took that first shot with zero hesitation.”

He slowly looked over at her then, brushing his knuckles across your forehead gently.

“I should have been there to save her, Tess. I wasn’t. I failed her.”

“Joel, no. You didn’t fail her. You couldn’t control this. Neither of us could. She fought like hell.”

He was too exhausted to argue and in a way, he knew Tess was right. He didn’t fail you. He taught you well. You protected them with that first shot. You knew that James was going to kill them if you waited any longer. So you took that risk, even if it meant you would get hurt. You didn’t care, your instincts kicked in and you went with it, guns blazing and fire in your heart.

“I understand now. I didn’t before, but I understand why you care about her so much, Joel.”

“Tess—”

“No, just listen to me alright? Let me say this. You need to hear it. I knew from the beginning that you saw something special in her. I didn’t understand why. I mean hell, she threw a knife at you man and you decided, hey, let’s take her in. She tried to kill me but we can’t just leave her out here like this. Then, I saw the way you would look at her. It wasn’t noticeable at first and half the time I thought I was imagining it. Then I’d catch you at random moments, she’d walk through that door and I’d see that smile. It only comes out when she’s around. You only call her doll. You’ve never called me that and I just started to notice all the little things. I was jealous, Joel. I was because all I had ever wanted was for you to look at me that way. Then, I thought I had you when we were at Bill and Frank’s. For a split second, I selfishly thought you would have forgotten about her. How silly of me, right? She’s hard to forget.”

“Tess, why are you tellin me all of this?”

She sighed then, rubbing her palms along her torn jeans before she looked at him, with a soft, knowing smile.

“Because I’m letting you go, Joel.”

He frowned slightly then as he looked at her. He wasn’t expecting her to be like this, certainly not now. Tess still meant something to him. She always would, but he loved her in a different way. The way he felt for you was on a whole other spiritual plane that even he himself couldn't fully explain.

“I’m letting you go because you were never mine in the first place. Not really. You were always hers. It just took me a while to realize it.”

Joel had reached for her hand then, placing his over hers and gave it a squeeze. He had fresh tears threatening to spill over then.

“I’m sorry I could never love you the way that you deserved.”

She placed her other hand over his then, rubbing her thumb against his knuckles gently.

“You don’t have to be sorry for that Joel. Just love her the way that she deserves, okay?”

He nodded then as he glanced down at your sleeping form. You weren’t out of the woods just yet, but with Joel by your side, and Tess close by, you had something to hold onto and live for.

“I will, Tess. I promise you I will.”

CHAPTER 10:

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Last updated: 27th October 2023

Please let me know if I’m missing something!

#1dficfests #1dficfests2023 #tracksintheam #trackinghome #fic fest master list #wishing everyone a happy new year full of reading and writing fics <3

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ishipmutualrespect · 2 years

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The peace ring Materpost / Timeline

The peace ring

was first seen in 2013 when Harry and Louis left Rosso after a dinner there. For this reason it’s head canon that this is one of the rings that Louis gave to Harry.

For years he wore it on the middle finger of his right hand. Harry wore it all the time and he very rarley took it off, aside from when he was working out/running or travelling/working (he didn’t always wear the peace ring for photoshoots but he wore it more often than not - for example the ring was there during Gucci or Vogue photoshoots)

For a long time he used to wear the peace ring in a special combination with his rose ring (here you can read about how Louis started following “The Great Frog” - the ring was from this shop - on Twitter just before Harry started wearing the rose ring):

This combinations symbolized Louis’ dagger (with the red spot on top) going through Harry’s rose.

In 2019 he started to wear the peace ring on his left hand instead of his right hand.

One of the first times that he wore the peace ring on the left hand was at the ONO for Fine Line on December 16th, 2019. On his other hand made his first appearance the Crown ring (Stevie Nicks gifted this ring to him that same night)

The crown ring became then one of the rings that Harry kept on wearing the most in combination with the peace ring.

For example he wore both rings (peace ring on the left hand) during Watermelon Sugar and Falling MV

And at the Brits on February 18th, 2020.

It’s at the Grammy’s on March 14th, 2021 that Harry stopped wearing the peace ring. He started to wear the Bird ring (it’s a ring with a similar antique style as the one that Alessandro Michele loaned to him in 2018 but it’s a different ring and with a different bird art) instead and alongside the Crown ring. The same thing happened at the Brits on May 11th, 2021.

During his tour in the USA (here there’s a rings on tour post) a large stone ring made his appearance and Harry wore it on his left hand alongside the Bird ring on his right hand. SO STILL NO PEACE RING.

The only 2 exeptions were:

- in Denver on September 7th, 2021 when he wore the peace ring (!!!) after many months not wearing it at all. And we’ll see later how this will become very 👀👀👀

- in Boston on October 25th, 2021 when surprisingly he didn’t wear any rings

After that night, another 8 long months passed and finally on May 19th, 2022 the peace ring was back but that was for just one performance in New York

And we never saw the peace ring anymore until …

September 7th, 2022 (EXACTLY 1 YEAR AFTER Denver in September 7th, 2021!) during his show in New York. After this date Harry wore the ring 5 times (during his shows on September 8th, 10th, 14th and 15th, 2022 and at the My Policeman Premiere in Toronto on September 11th, 2022) making it a total of 6 times in a row (after a very long time)

We don’t know the reason why Harry wore the peace ring exactly 1 year after the Denver show on September 7th but we sure know that the number 7 is something that is becoming more and more seen lately (here a post with some of the many times).

In conclusion I just wanted to point out a couple of things:

- the first time he wore the peace ring again on September 7th, 2022 was after the Venice Film Festival (when he didn’t acknowledge Olivia at all and he totally didn’t see Louis who was in Italy as well) where he wore the bird ring and the stone ring (his latest usual combination, see also the tour)

- he didn’t wear any rings in a couple other occasions (the TPWK and Golden music videos)

I created a separate timeline post where I keep track of every time Harry wears the peace ring so that this masterpost will only be updated when/if things change. I also created this sideblog to post the pictures of every time Harry wears the ring (it’s gonna be easier for me to update the timeline post that way)

#long post #peace ring

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suunkiised · 1 month

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My yearly redraw!! I love this ship so much, they mean everything to me!! This is also post-canon and Iris loves watching her girlfriend preform <3

[Start ID: A two drawings of Iris and Serena from the pokemon anime. Iris is in her champion outfit and Serena is in her Journey's preforming outfit which is white, yellow, orange and red. The first drawing is a simple flat doodle at the top left corner, Iris is looking excited and saying "Don't forget your good luck kiss!" Serena is looking at Iris a little shocked. The second drawing is shaded and has lighting, Iris is holding Serena's face and smiling as she kisses Serena, who also looks happy while she holds Iris's wrist. There are glowing read hearts around the two. End ID.]

The three other redraws are under read more!! Also I changed accounts frequently so that's why the usernames don't line up-

December 25th, 2020 | May 7th, 2021 | January 24, 2022

[Start ID: A shaded and light drawing of Serena and Iris from the pokemon anime. Iris has her arms wrapped around Serena's shoulders while Serena is holding Iris's back while Iris kisses her cheek. Serena has long hair that's put into a ponytail and Iris has her hair tied into a thick braid Both appear to be in a school uniform. End ID.]

[Start ID: A shaded and light drawing of Iris and Serena from the pokemon anime. Iris has her arms around Serena's shoulders kissing her cheek, Iris's hair is pulled into a ponytail. Serena is smiling and has long hair that's pulled into a ponytail, they seem to be in school uniforms. End ID.]

[Start ID: A shaded and lightened drawing of Iris and Serena from the pokemon anime, Iris has her hand on Serena's shoulder and bringing her down to kiss her cheek. Iris's hair ia pulled into half a bun, she has blunt bangs and a yellow headband, Iris is wearing a pink shirt without a back and simple black pants. Serena's hair is long and pulled into a ponytail, one of her hands is on Iris's back while the other holds Iris's elbow. She's wearing a plain white dress-shirt with a pink vest. End ID.]

#pokemon anime #pokeani #anipoke #serena pokemon #iris pokemon #pokemon fanart #pokemon ship art #pokemon shipping #fairdragonshipping #lucart

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thewales-family · 10 months

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Special post ahead of Prince George of Wales's 10th birthday (3/4) : from 2019 to 2021.

•Prince George's 6th birthday on July 22nd 2019, in St Lucia on The Mustique Island, Carribbean Islands.

•King's Cup Regatta hosted by The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on August 8th 2019, in Cowes, England.

•First Christmas Day Church service on December 25th 2019, at Church of St Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate in King's Lynn, England.

•Official portrait with Queen Elizabeth II, The Prince of Wales and The Duke of Cambridge to mark the beginning of a new decade, on January 3rd 2020, at Buckingham Palace in London.

•Support to the doctors, nurses, carers, and others NHS staff during the Coronavirus pandemic on March 26th 2020, at Amner Hall in Norfolk, England.

•7th birthday on July 22nd 2020, at Amner Hall in Norfolk, England.

•Message video with Sir David Attenborough on October 3rd 2020.

•Run Sandringham Half Marathon on June 20th 2021, in King's Lynn, England.

•UEFA Euro 2020 Championship final between Italy and England on July 11th 2021, in London.

•8th birthday on July 22nd 2021, in Norfolk, England.

📷 (1, 5, 6, 7 & 10) : The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge/Kensington Palace.

(4) : Ranald Mackechnie/The Royal Family.

#prince george #british royal family #england #2023 #july 2023 #10th birthday #birthday 2023 #prince george's 10th birthday #2019 #2020 #2021 #official portraits #the wales #my edit

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jqhotchner · 2 months

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bloom

munson family timeline

*this is mostly for me because i suck ass when it comes to dates*

yn birthday 05/15/1999

eddie birthday 09/04/1998

-september 2016-

eddie: 18

yn: almost 18

yn finds out she’s pregnant and doesn’t know how to break it to her boyfriend. instead she confides in her dad

june 23rd 2017 baby aster wayne munson is born

the only baby boy <3

-november 2017-

eddie: almost 20

yn: 18

yn and eddie are adjusting as teen parents. with eddie working his ass off to graduate high school this time. yn finds out she’s having another baby

august 5th 2018 jasmine hope munson is born <3

-april 2020-

eddie: almost 22

yn: almost 21

covid outbreak happened which leaves everyone having to stay indoors. yn and eddie don’t have much else to do but watch their kids and well—she ends up pregnant again

january 24th 2021 lunaria morgan munson is born <3

-march 2021-

eddie: almost 24

yn: 22

eddie’s career slowly take off with corroded coffin! on occasion when he’s off doing shows, he brings yn along with the kids. the two of them are young, dumb, and having fun. leaving yn pregnant with baby #4

december 25th 2021 lily belle munson’s born the same year as older sister lunaria <3

-may 2022-

eddie: almost 24

yn: 23

yn becomes a fashion icon! everyone loves her style. she soon signed to a modeling agency. too bad she and eddie get pregnant…AGAIN

february 14th 2023 poppy matilda munson and azalea love munson was born. eddie and yn final babies <3

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astralscrivener · 11 months

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✨ fic directory ✨

i’ve created a post to keep all of my fics in one place. all fics can be found on ao3. (last updated may 4th, 2024)

major ongoing works

STEALING OUR OWN PLACE IN THE SUN

- voltron: legendary defender: a rewrite of vld seasons 4-8. - team focus, broganes, klance, adashi, romellura - rated M, graphic depictions of violence + other warnings in author notes - 22/45 chapters, 251k words (december 25th, 2022) - last posted: chapter 22: season 7, episode 3: elliptical orbit

AT SKYFALL

- voltron: legendary defender: canon-divergent au in which keith and shiro are captured by the galra at a coalition gala. things become more complicated when the team’s search for shiro turns up someone else: adam, shiro’s fiancé. - broganes, klance, adashi - rated M, graphic depictions of violence + other warnings in author notes - 8/? chapters, 25k words (september 2nd, 2023) - last posted: chapter 8: division and discord

ABCS OF KLANCE

- voltron: legendary defender: oneshots, one prompt for each letter of the alphabet, focused on keith and lance’s relationship - variety of aus, some overlap with squad up (2017-19 modern au), mostly established relationship klance - 18 works, 87k words (may 4th, 2024) - a: artistry • b: brutality • c: comfort • d: defeat • e: elegance • f: faithfulness • g: grief • h: homelessness • i: information • j: jealousy • k: knell • l: loyalty • m: mercy • n: need • o: opportunity • p: pain • q: quest • r: rumor • s: sleep • t: trust • u: uncertainty • v: victory • w: worry • x: xenon • y: yearning • z: zero - last posted: lightning in a bottle (y: yearning)

other ongoing works

THESE 20S ARE RAWRING AND THESE DUNGEONS ARE DRAGONING

- voltron: legendary defender: modern au + d&d series started in 2020 as a stress response to quarantine - team focus, klance, adashi, romellua, hunay

• main work: the rawring 20s XD - chatfic that only updates if i think it will be funny - rated M, no archive warnings apply + other warnings in author notes - 5/5 chapters, 17k words - last posted: chapter 5: there is no easter bunny, there is no tooth fairy, (september 8th, 2022)

- other works include klance-centric oneshots + snippets of the group’s ongoing d&d campaign - 5 works, 37k words - last posted: midnight into morning coffee (february 7th, 2024)

VLD FIC REQUESTS

- voltron: legendary defender: oneshots across a variety of aus written in response to prompts from friends and followers - variety of ships, but mainly klance and adashi - some overlap with squad up - 15 works, 92k words (july 8th, 2023) - last posted: distraction

major completed works

DECEIT SO NATURAL

- voltron: legendary defender: canon-divergent trilogy in which lance and keith fool their way behind enemy lines and onto lotor’s ship to steal vital information on the galra empire—only for lotor to become far more dangerous than anyone anticipated. - mainly klance, extremely one-sided lancelot - written before gay shiro reveal + age discourse, contains side shallura - 3 works, 315k words - completed june 15th, 2018

• WHERE PEOPLE GO TO DIE - lotor mistakenly believes that lance is a galra soldier spying on the paladins, and invites him to return home. keith follows him undercover as a prisoner, and quickly draws lotor’s ire as things spiral rapidly out of control. - rated M, graphic depictions of violence - 14/14 chapters, 49k words - completed july 9th, 2017

• DYNASTY DECAPITATED - lotor becomes vindictive after having been played for a fool by team voltron, and the team struggles to hold the voltron alliance together while fending off his rapid advances. meanwhile, keith and lance explore a new stage of their relationship and learn exactly what the other means to them. - rated M, graphic depictions of violence - 18/18 chapters, 67k words - completed august 7th, 2017

• STARS GO DOWN - lotor has captured lance and sentenced keith to death halfway across the universe. lance struggles to hold onto himself as he plays the role of an amnesiac, while keith attempts to fight his way back to the team, alone. meanwhile, the team, down two lions and two paladins, scrambles to bring keith and lance home amidst betrayals and tumult in the voltron alliance. - rated M, graphic depictions of violence, temporary major character death + other warnings in author notes - 37/37 chapters, 198k words - completed june 15th, 2018

SQUAD UP

- voltron: legendary defender: modern au written from 2017-19 to cope with the horrors of being in high school and the transition into college - written before gay shiro reveal + age discourse, contains side shallura and shiro/allura/matt - 25 works, 561k words - completed may 10th, 2019

• main work: squad up - chatfic chronicling the gang’s last year of high school - rated M, no archive warnings apply + other warnings in author note - 140/140 chapters, 327k words - completed june 15th, 2018

• main work: a midsummer night’s meme - chatfic chronicling the gang’s last summer before college - rated M, no archive warnings apply + other warnings in author note - 27/27 chapters, 79k words - completed august 31st, 2018

• main work: because guys like us are cool in college - series of oneshots/snippets following keith and lance’s freshman year of college - rated M, no archive warnings apply + other warnings in author note - 84/84 chapters, 83k words - completed may 10th, 2019

LIGHT UP THE PATH (THROUGH A SKY FULL OF STARS)

- voltron: legendary defender: 28 oneshots completed for klance au month february 2019. - klance - variety of aus, including but not limited to modern au, canon-divergent/other paladinsverse, fantasy au, and more - rated M, creator chose not to use archive warnings + other warnings in author note - 28/28 chapters, 49k words - completed february 28th, 2019

additional oneshots not mentioned here can be found on archive of our own ✨ other writing (including drabbles, snippets, and prompts from tumblr ask games) can be found in my writing tag ✨

happy reading!

#eileen speaks #my writing #vld #voltron legendary defender #sorry for the wonky formatting #i had it in nice neat bullets but bc i'm not using the new post editor tumblr ruined it. love and light

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assassinsdragons · 11 months

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Anon Project Round 2

Some of you may remember back in winter 2017-2018, when I did this thing to spread some love through the anon ask option we've got here on tumblr. Well, I did the same thing again, back in winter 2020-2021, though instead of just one month, I did it for two months. From the 1st of December 2020, until the 31st of January 2021.

Every day, I sent the message "Hi. I love you. 🤍" to one blog each day. I wanted them to know they're loved.

Now, I know tumblr sometimes eats asks, so maybe not everyone that I planned to give love to actually got their messages, and this roundup will therefore serve as a reminder to all of you that yes, I do love you. Even now, 2.5 years later.

So, here we go, I love all of you:

Dec 1st @creeeee Dec 2nd @quicksilvermaid Dec 3rd @faevorite-main-blog Dec 4th @legendrarry Dec 5th @fleetofshippyships Dec 6th @candybarrnerd Dec 7th @cibeewastaken Dec 8th @nadiasna7 Dec 9th @cheekytorah Dec 10th @stargazing-enby Dec 11th @keyflight790 Dec 12th @all-drarry-to-me Dec 13th @tackytigerfic Dec 14th @shealwaysreads Dec 15th @ununquadius Dec 16th @mad1492 Dec 17th @gnarf Dec 18th @restlessandordinary Dec 19th @parkkate Dec 20th @l0vegl0wsinthedark Dec 21st @ekayart Dec 22nd @lqtraintracks Dec 23rd @midgart Dec 24th @unicornsandphoenix Dec 25th @phantomrin Dec 26th @gallifrey1sburning Dec 27th @p1013 Dec 28th @scarheaded-ferret Dec 29th @firethesound Dec 30th @wordsphoenix Dec 31st @veelawings

#anon project #spreading love #i love all of you #man it's so nice to go back and read all the replies to the asks #ppl get so happy to hear they're loved and it warms my heart #i hope all of you have a great day #january's peepz will be added in a reblog - too many tags otherwise

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maya-chirps · 6 months

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Simbang Gabi: The 9 Days Before Christmas

An image of a red parol from Peakpx.com

The Philippines is well-known for its extremely long Christmas celebration that a lot of foreigners often look at with confusion. Traditionally, Filipinos may start putting up their trees, playing festive songs, and counting down to the 25th as early as September in a season that's colloquially called the "ber months" or the "ber months season" (Petrelli, 2021). This period often lasts up until January or February where some houses may still keep their trees and decor pushing as far as March.

Even with this technicality, however, you'd be hard-pressed to find Filipinos truly celebrating from the very beginning of September genuinely ending it by the end of February. Most often, actual celebrations start after Undas, a period encompassing All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day on the 1st and 2nd of November respectively to commemorate the dead, similar but a lot more subtle than other Catholic countries own Day of the Dead like in Mexico's Dia de Los Muertos and Italy's Giorno dei Morti. This time period is often the start of people doing more Christmas-y things such as Kris Kringle activities leading up to the main Christmas party.

The main markers of the true start in itself is the Advent season, which starts on the Sunday nearest to the 30th in Western Churches like Roman Catholicism and leads up to Christmas ("Advent", n.d.). This is where Catholics would go to Church every Sunday leading up to Christmas to light the Advent Wreath until the final candle on its center on Christmas day on the 25th. As the Philippines is heavily influenced by Roman Catholicism, Filipinos follow the Western start of Advent and most celebrations often fall in the middle of this time period. Even the middle of Advent, however, Filipinos have a waiting period to count down before Christmas - Simbang Gabi.

What is Simbang Gabi?

Simbang Gabi (en. night mass; going to mass at night) is a Philippine Christmas tradition wherein Roman Catholic Filipinos would attend mass nine days every single morning or night before the actual Christmas celebration. Traditionally, the masses were held every morning at 4:00 AM from the 16th to the 24th which would then be capped off by Christmas Eve Mass at night or Christmas Mass on the 25th with its early schedule earning it the name Misa de Gallo (en. mass of the rooster) (Lazaro, 2020). In most dioceses, however, they often have an anticipated mass schedule that start a night earlier than the morning masses (Hermoso, 2022).

Besides being called Misa de Gallo, I had also heard the celebration being called Misa de Aguinaldo (en. mass of gifts) in some places. This shares the same name as the similar Puerto Rican tradition Misa de Aguinaldo which is also a nine-day mass held in the morning, typically at 5:00 AM which is also deeply-rooted in Puerto Rican Christmas traditions (Álvarez, 2018).

History

A vintage greeting card posted by the Facebook group Vintage Philippine Islands 1920-1959 (2020)

Being a Christmas tradition, it is not surprising that Simbang Gabi could trace itself back to the Spanish colonial period.

A common misconception of its origins states that the practice first started in Mexico. Hermoso (2018) states that it started on the year 1587 by Friar Diego de Soria of the Convent of San Agustin Acolman when he requested the Vatican to allow church service to be held outdoors because of an overflow of attendees during the Christmas time. Pope Sixtus V later approved of this request and even decreed that these kinds of masses be held in the Philippines at the dawn of the 16th of December. What this doesn't account for was that the practice of going to church for the Eve of Christmas dates back to even earlier than the 16th century.

The cover for an English translation and compilation of Etheria's writings by M.L. McClure and C.L. Feltoe, D.D. (1919)

The first recorded instance of Christians celebrating Christmas by going to early mass leading up to the actual date was first written by Egeria (also called Egeriae, Etheria, or Aetheria), a Christian Galician woman who first recorded it during her travels to the Levant where she notes the early morning masses and festivities from the time of the Epiphany to the Nativity. She writes in her letters later called the Itinerarium Egeriae (en. The Travel Guide of Egeria; The Pilgrimage of Etheria).

"Octave of the Festival. On the second day also they proceed in like manner to the church in Golgotha, and also on the third day; thus the feast is celebrated with all this joyfulness for three days up to the sixth hour in the church built by Constantine (...) And in Bethlehem also throughout the entire eight days the feast is celebrated with similar festal array and joyfulness daily by the priests and by all the clergy there, and by the monks who are appointed in that place (...) and immense crowds, not of monks only, but also of the laity, both men and women, flock together to Jerusalem from every quarter for the solemn and joyous observance of that day." - Egeria, 381-384; The Pilgrimage of Etheria (trans. McClure & Feltoe, 1919):

The practice of attending early morning masses up until the main festivities of the Nativity was later adopted by more Western Christian communties during the time of Pope Sixtus III when he celebrated what is widely considered the first Midnight Mass at the Basilica of St. Mary Major in Rome, not only stemming from the popularity of the Christians from Jerusalem but also the popular belief that Jesus was born at midnight (The Pillar, 2021).

The prayer spoken within the midnight vigil was then called the "mox ut gallus cantaverit" which translates to "when the rooster crows", aptly named because of the early hours the vigil tended to last which then coincided with the crowing of roosters ("Misa del Gallo: origen, historia y por qué se celebra en la madrugada del 25 de diciembre", 2022). The practice was continued by the Spanish with the name Misa de Gallo (also called Misa de Aguinaldo)which later spread throughout the Spanish Empire and could now be seen practiced in countries like Bolivia, Puerto Rico, Venezuela, and of course the Philippines.

There seem to be two variations of this: the nine-day series of masses before Christmas (found in the Philippines, Puerto Rico, and Venezuela) and the single early morning mass before Christmas day (found in Spain and Bolivia). It isn't clear if Spain and Bolivia simply dropped the nine-day tradition or if the nine-day tradition was restarted in these other colonies, however.

In the Present Day

An image of crowds outside a church during Simbang Gabi uploaded to Wikimedia by Erwin Malicdem

Today, the Simbang Gabi continues to be a popular tradtion for most Filipino Roman Catholics, even those who aren't typically as religious most parts of the year. This is given the fact that a popular belief is that when a person completes all of the nine days, they may receive a wish to whatever they desire. This is such a common belief that Bishop Broderick Pabillo, a Manila auxiliary bishop, had to remind people that the point of the tradition is to remember Jesus and his nativity (Punay, 2016). Besides this, it is also a common challenge among Filipinos to try to complete it as is or see how many days out of the nine could they actually attend.

It is not uncommon for churches these days to hold an "anticipated" mass the night before the actual date starting instead on the 15th and ending on the 24th with a Christmas mass, instead of starting on the 16th and ending on the 25th. This newer tradition had come from the reign of Filipino dictator President Ferdinand Marcos Sr. during the Martial Law years in the 70s, when Filipinos were not allowed to go out after a curfew until 4 in the morning (Macairan, 2023). This allowed more people and especially those who may not be able to start their day early or those who may have other obligations in the morning to attend masses at night time, typically at around 6 PM - 8 PM.

The only large controversy that I could remember about Simbang Gabi was back in 2011 when the event was banned from being conducted within the Philippine Center in New York City. The ban came about because of it supposedly violated Canon Law which prohibits religious worship in unconsecrated ground or in other words places that aren't seen as places of worship. In an article by Adarlo & Pastor (2014), Rev. Dr. Joseph G. Marabe, the at-the-time head of the Chapel of San Lorenzo Ruiz and a priest-in-residence at St. Patrick's Cathedral where the ban took place, explains in an interview with news site The FilAm:

"It’s not allowed by law to have Holy Mass in an unconsecrated place. Worship should take place in a sacred place. That was an explanation but not a decision. The Archdiocese decides." - Rev. Dr. Joseph G. Marabe, head of the Chapel of San Lorenzo Ruiz in Chinatown, New York (2011)

The ban was later lifted on 2014 after community leader Loida Nicolas Lewis wrote a letter to the diocese to reconsider the ban which led to the return of the almost 30-year-old tradition that year (Balitang America, ABS-CBN North America Bureau, 2014).

Besides being a huge part of current traditions, a lot of Filipinos, and especially Filipino youth, use the event as an excuse to go out during the night to hang out with friends and even go on dates with their partners. It is not an uncommon sight to see a group of teenagers, often wearing maybe less than typical church clothes, by the edge of the Church seemingly attending mass. Whether or not they're actually being attentive is hard to decipher. Either way, this has led to an explosion of memes almost every year just mocking these kinds of people or making fun of their own.

A screenshot of the "Simbang gabi starter pack" posted by user rhapido on 9Gag.com (2022)

Earlier versions of this meme could be seen posted throughout Filipino social media during the early 2010s

A meme posted by the Facebook page FEU Memes (2012)

The barkada (en. friend group) going to Simbang Gabi had been an older tradition that has found a lot more popularity in the contemporary era because of social media. My mother had told me that she used to use it as an excuse herself back in the 80s to hang out with her friends at night time. This may be a continued past time for especially younger people for years to come.

There's also many street foods associated with Simbang Gabi that may not be unique to the event itself but are nevertheless heavily associated with the event due to their widespread sale during this time period. Foods like bibingka, puto bumbong, kutsinta, and other popular rice cakes dominate the scene which definitely satisfy the hungry parishioners who had, most likely, not eaten breakfast or dinner before going to church. With their strong associations with Simbang Gabii and Filipino Christmas as a whole, I might discuss these on a later date.

Simbang Gabi, from my experience

Growing up and living in the Philippines and especially being raised Catholic within a Catholic town named after a Catholic saint and going to a Catholic school named after another Catholic saint, it probably won't shock you that I, myself, had tried to complete the nine days of Simbang Gabi myself. I had attempted it several times with only maybe trying seriously by myself once in my life. It was quite the experience to just try to dedicate yourself into completing a goal to do something for nine consecutive days straight.

My first attempt was when I was in Junior High and it was with my sister and two people who worked for my parents and had helped watch over us. It was something that I always wanted to try doing and especially since I was gaining a lot more independence at the time so what better to try it out without the rest of the family? With adult supervision, of course.

Since we lived quite away from the actual church, the place was already packed even an hour before the actual mass started. There was barely any seats left and even less standing room leading to a huge overflow of people stuck outdoors, only hearing mass from the outdated speaker system that they had erected in place of the old bell tower.

The mass in our church was often done in the dark during the night out of an deliberate and probably aesthetic choice with only the alter being illuminated by the lights. The rest was lit up by the scattered about Christmas decor throughout the church and the church patio. It always felt like going to some liminal space that other nights at church just doesn't give.

Once the mass has been concluded, people rush out of the doors in thick crowds to find their way into the footpaths leading on to the main town streets. Some opt to stay behind to enjoy the food stalls that had pop-up for the night to eat bibingka, puto, sapin-sapin, and palitaw among other things. Some of the teens had decided to raid the nearby small park and playground as a hang-out spot to talk the night away before they rush home for their curfews. Meanwhile others were just rushing to get home as soon as they can, with people lining up to go to the rudimentary parking space that the church created while the others who didn't own their own vehicles forced to compete for the very few commuter vehicles still riding through the night, hunting for passengers.

This was before we had our own car, so we were with the latter crowds of people, trying to peer through the dark streets only illuminated by the scant Christmas lights that still refused to turn off as the night progressed. Every so often, two headlights excite the crowd and a swarm of them start running in anticipation with not care or tact if they would crush children or separate families all to take a seat on the night jeepneys, some the few commutes left after 9.

My sister was an expert in finding her way through it, reaching out to the doors to form a barricade for herself and the rest of us to prevent others from taking our seats before letting herself in. I still think I would've been left behind if it weren't for her doing that out of sheer competitiveness with the crowds.

We settled into our seats and squeezed in tightly to allow other passengers in so we could all go home as soon as we can. It was a tight but otherwise uneventful commute every night with nothing but tired people waiting for their stops and slowly emptying the once packed vehicle. Since we live in the outskirts of the town, we were often the last few and at times, the drivers would transfer us to other jeeps just so they can go home themselves. This had sometimes instead left us to walk the remainder of the way there through unpaved highway sidewalks.

After a few nights of it, I became more and more reluctant to continue because of the frenzy that it had almost every single night and it was extremely inconvenient for my time and the time of those with me. I didn't complete it then and I hadn't seriously tried until 9th Grade, which honestly was more uneventful.

That attempt was mostly my siblings and I staying in Makati City and Taguig City and going to easily traveled to churches that we could walk to by foot, and high-end malls that have annual Simbang Gabi masses for their shoppers, facilitated by the local diocese and the local fancy church. I was able to complete those easily because I was often dragged either by my siblings or my grandmother who used to never miss a day of church when she was still more active.

It was less about the challenge at that point and more of an obligation which isn't a bad thing and honestly is probably closer to how it should be celebrated.

I hadn't gone to Simbang Gabi since 2019 and I don't have any plans to try this year either. Not really because I don't want to necessarily, but specifically because I physically can't. I still think its pretty fun to do and honestly maybe a good excuse to meet with my friends that I haven't seen in a while. Sadly, I just simply cannot do it now nor in the near future.

Maybe one day I could once again go out at those cold December night to meet my friends and maybe eat some bibingka on my way home but I guess I'll just leave every one else to it.

Sources

Introduction

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Petrelli, M. (2021, December 20). The country that celebrates Christmas for more than 4 months a year. CNBC. Retrieved on 13 December 2023, from https://www.cnbc.com/2021/12/21/philippines-the-longest-christmas-celebrations-in-the-world-.html

What is Simbang Gabi?

Álvarez, F. (2018, November 22). Una tradición matutina la Misa de Aguinaldo. Primera Hora. Retrieved on 13 December 2023, from https://www.primerahora.com/noticias/puerto-rico/notas/una-tradicion-matutina-la-misa-de-aguinaldo/

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History

Hermoso, C. (2018, December 15). ‘Simbang Gabi’ a manifestation of the Filipinos’ strong faith in God, says bishop. Manila Bulletin. Retrieved on 13 December 2023, from https://mb.com.ph/2018/12/15/simbang-gabi-a-manifestation-of-the-filipinos-strong-faith-in-god-says-bishop/

Etheria (1919). The Pilgrimage of Etheria (McClure, M., & Feltoe, C. Ed. & Trans.). Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge. Retrieved on 13 December 2023, from https://www.ccel.org/m/mcclure/etheria/etheria.htm (Original work published 384 C.E.)

McClure, M., & Feltoe, C. (1919). [An image of the book cover of "The Pilgrimage of Etheria"]. Retrieved on 15 December 2023, from https://www.ccel.org/m/mcclure/etheria/etheria.htm

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In the Present Day

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Malicdem, E. (n.d.) The Bamboo Organ Church or the St. Joseph Parish Church of Las Piñas City in the Philippines during "Simbang Gabi" or Night Mass on Christmas eve. Photo was part of Schadow1 Expeditions coverage of Las Piñas during Christmas season. [image]. Retrieved on 15 December 2023 from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simbang_Gabi#/media/File:Las_Pinas_Church_during_Simbang_Gabi.jpg

Punay, E. (2016, December 19). ‘Simbang Gabi’ won’t grant wishes – Bishop. Philippine Star Global. Retrieved on 15 December 2023, from https://www.philstar.com/headlines/2016/12/19/1654920/simbang-gabi-wont-grant-wishes-bishop

rhapido. (2022, November 30). Simbang gabi starter pack [Screenshot]. 9Gag. Retrieved 15 December 2023, from https://9gag.com/gag/a5Xnzgr

21 notes · View notes