#and you are not morally wrong for using social media for an escape from reality
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Disabled culture is getting really upset at how little people on this website seem to care about people with OCD. Like, reblog bait all you want but dont tie morality and shit to it. Dont make it a ‘ill know if you dont reblog this!’ or ‘i dont trust you if you ignore this’ or ‘reblog to save a life’ or whatever, cause that wont make a person WANT to reblog it more, itll just fucking stress people out, which is made WORSE if any of said people have OCD (like myself)
Am I making ANY sense?
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense! I really hate that too. I don’t even have OCD and those sorts of posts still have had a horrible affect on my ability to engage with anything of that kind, politics especially, even when it is something I find important to talk about. I cannot imagine how awful it can get with OCD or similar disorders added to the mix.
For anyone who needs to hear it: the sort of person that you are is not determined by what you don’t reblog. You do not need to interact with anything or anyone to prove you’re not an evil person. If people start bringing morality into it, it is alright to block them! Take care of and protect yourselves!
#ocd culture is#disabled culture is#ableism tw#and no; the original poster will NOT know if you scroll past without rebloging#and you are not morally wrong for using social media for an escape from reality
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YO! I'm Squidly14! It's a pleasure to meet ya! I make digital, traditional and sometimes I'll make 3D if I'm feeling it! My art is usually shit quality most of the time...Mainly cuz I'm still using that damned Paint3D cuz I haven't found an art app that works for me, But sometimes my art looks pretty good, So Yeah! Thanks for reading and I hope my you like what the future holds for me and my art!
(ART BY @chickes0up) Love you honey <3
Lore time!
Hey! I'm Squidly! I'm an Inkling! Which, if you don't somehow know what that is, I'm a cross between a humanoid being and squid! My homeland is in Inkopolis! But as I got older I decided to go on my own adventure! On my journey, I came across what looked to be a digital pen and drawing pad, But turns out...You could create a whole UNIVERSE with it! and I thought to myself..."Hmmm...I've always wanted to be a person who would look after my loved ones and friends...and I COULD make my OCs become a reality!" and so I did, I created what I called "Begalinių galimybių pasaulis" which means "World of infinite possibilities" But I just shorten it to "Pasaulis" for easiness....But...As time went on...I noticed things changing about me physically...My hair...It was lush, full, wavy...normal hair, and I could no longer transform into my squid form...I panicked, So I quickly traveled back Inkopolis, But before I noticed it....Once I got back, My body was back to the way it was...So I just assumed it was me adapting...I eventually found social media! You're all quite nice! funny, weird...kinda cringe...and sometimes just downright bone chilling...But I'll manage! Anyway...That's probably all I have to say about myself...If you...wanna be apart of Pasaulis, come ask me! I'm always happy to see if I can help you!
(Also I'm 19 IRL but my online sona is somewhere between mid 20s to early 40s)
I don't remember where I got this base from but if you know please comment so there is credit is credit is due
Diehard Dawko Follower
Avid Astralspiff Viewer
Pretty Pezzy Spectator
Esteemed ElasticDroid Enjoyer
Behaved BigPuffer Beholder
Persistent PointCrow Onlooker
Funny Filian Fan
Chill Chibidoki Witness
Cool Caseoh_ Consumer
Cute Kwite Listener
Spectacular Special Edd Gawker
Jealous JSchlatt Observer
Illusive IronMouse Watcher
Jokester Jimmyhere Testifier
Zesty Zentreya Bystander
Lovable Lolathon Looker-on
Preppy Penguinz0 Deponent
Messy Matt Rose Seer
Beautiful Blaire White Attendant
~~~ FANDOMS I'M IN ~~~
- FNAF
- Bendy and The Ink Machine/ Bendy and The Dark Revival
- Phighting!
- Hazbin Hotel
- Helluva Boss
- SCP
- Friday Night Funkin'
- Disney
- Backrooms
- Lethal Company
- Team Fortress 2
- Dark Deception
- Geometry Dash
- KinitoPET
~~~ OTHER SOCIALS ~~~
Youtube
Roblox
Steam
Others coming soon~!
~~~ DA RULES ~~~
REBLOGGING MY ART IS MORE THAN OKAY! INFACT! I ENCOURAGE YOU TO REBLOG IT! I WOULD LOVE MY ART TO GET OUT THERE!
I Love roleplaying! I'm fine with anything as long as you're okay with too! I'll do NSFW, SFW, Head canons, Special AUs, Just nothing that's creepy or morally wrong!
ANY discrimination towards someone's religion, sexual orientation, identity, race, Controversial topics, etc will NOT BE TOLERATED ON MY PAGE
DO NOT use tone tags around me, I'm fucking TIRED of that shit, I can handle shit, and if you don't like/can't handle it, grow up
My page is meant for anyone who wants to escape and have fun! don't ruin it :)
Constructive criticism towards my art is fine, just don't be a dickhead about it and/or outright hate on my art
Swearing is fine, I personally don't give a shit, just remember to tone it down when needed and obviously no slurs or offensive language
absolutely NO TRACING, COPY & PASTING OR STEALING my art! fanart is fine and all (I will make a fanart tag for it soon, but stealing or tracing my art, character design, saying you made the character, etc will force my hand and report you for stealing
I have an opinion too! So I will USE IT and TALK MY SHIT! If you don't like it, sucks to suck! just unfollow/block me, I don't care, If you try to change my opinions/beliefs.
NO NSFW of my characters unless you get EXPLICIT permission from me and the character isn't underage (You freaks)
I will draw NSFW FOR FRIENDS ONLY! and it will never be publicly posted it will it DM'ed to you directly, unless you want it posted publicly (With mature filter on ofc)
IMPORTANT! IF YOU ASK FOR ANY DRAWING REQUEST YOU HAVE YOU HAVE TO DRAW SOMETHING FOR ME IN RETURN (I don't have any PayPal right now cuz Idk how that works XDD)
I also do "Ask me anything" of my OCs! I'll make a list of the main ones soon but you'll MOST LIKELY see my OCs just randomly posted on here! (Just no NSFW if the characters a minor)
----DNI LIST----
Under 15 (I can't control what you see but I don't want you looking at my content, It's not straight up CORN, but there will be artistic nudity, pretty suggestive themes, vulgar swearing, etc)
Art "Fixers" (Let's face it, you're pretty fucked up to think you're doing ANY good)
NSFW exclusive accounts (You be wearing Victoria's Secret when your pussy ain't even a secret)
Proshipper (You're actually just a pedophile don't deny it you FUCKING MONSTER)
Vtuber Hater (I like Vtubers)
Anti-Furry (I have furry friends, also they're not that bad)
Anti-Fujoshi/Fudanshi (I am a half Fujoshi)
DSMP stans/fans (You're cringe)
South Park stans/fans (You're annoying as FUCK)
MLP Stans/bronies/fans (You ruined my childhood)
My Hero Academia stans/fans (You're VERY cringe)
Bluey stans/fans (You're kinda weird)
DDLC Fans/stans (Bro what?)
You believe Zodiacs actually mean something (Booo)
Therians/Fictionkins/Kins (I was groomed twice by therians/kins, and I can't emotionally handle it right now, I need time to heal, Please forgive me, But I don't HATE you, I just don't know who to trust)
Racists (Oviously)
Antisemitic (Kinda cringe ngl, isn't that just nazism?)
Homophobic (I'm Bi oviously)
Transphobic (Dude it should be obvious, but also don't talk about it too much I do get uncomfortable if it's shoved in my face)
"Degenerates" (Pedophiles, Zoophiles etc)
Race swapper (Idgaf what race you swap It's still bad in my eyes)
Identity Swapper (Like swapping sexuality, gender identity etc)
If you believe your "Head canons" are actually canon (Bro 💀Separate canon from fanon)
EXTREME activist for ANYTHING (Idgaf your not helping your cause by screaming in other people faces)
Talk about any of the wars (I'm sorry but I can't mentally deal with that right now, it's too draining, just let the innocent people live, that's all I'm saying)
#kawaii#my art#oc#splatoon#inkling#cute#goober#new to tumblr#hello world#squidlys ocs#squidlys house of art#sillyposting#silly little guy#so silly#bisexual#tomboy#personal#about myself#squidlys yapping sessions
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on andrew tate
Sagittarius men are...interesting to say the least. They are also excellent candidates for the cautionary tales that fascinate me so much; more often than not they are disasters of human beings. It is in this spirit that I dive into the chart of Andrew Tate, the "self-help" personality who revels in almost medieval misogyny. Starting out as a kickboxer, Tate had his first dalliance with a public spotlight through the 2016 season of the UK's Big Brother reality show. It lasted six days. Tate was kicked off the show after a video appearing to show Tate beating a woman with a belt, threatening her with violence if she "texts him again." Tate has more recently become famous as an online personality promising to show boys and men how to "escape the matrix" -- shorthand for becoming more wealthy and successful with women. Before being banned from social media platforms for his rather extreme views, he had over 4.5 million Instagram followers, as well as 600,000 subscribers on his "Tate Speech" YouTube account. Videos carrying his hashtag on TikTok have been viewed over 14 billion times. On November 19, Twitter CEO Elon Musk reinstated deleted accounts for the likes of Donald Trump as well as Tate, where he has continued espousing his views...until his views caught up with him in a real way. Let's look at his chart:
Sometimes or a lot of times Sagittarius men are, strangely enough, like earth sign men in the sense that they feel like if they make a lot of money and/or help a woman financially they can treat women any way they want. Not surprised at his sun sign or placements, especially the Pisces placements, yeah sounds about right. Pisces are so emotional and petty when it comes to everything women. Not shocked by this chart at all. No Cancer in his chart, which is why he's such an uncivilized and unconscionable demon; he suffers from traditional devolved Jupiter energy, which can manifest itself in cult leader-like behaviour or “self righteous” prophets.
That Mars in Pisces is why he’s bitchmade and uses basic red pill points to mask his own deficiency; he’s overcompensating for his lack of real masculinity. If you search pictures of him before he shaved his head (because he was prematurely balding) you can see how he was never really a masculine or “alpha” type of man. Sun conjunct Moon is why he’s so stubborn when it comes to other people’s opinions; his ego and emotions are in lockstep so he is simple single minded about his views. He's the type that does not understand why it's so hard for others to get their mind and emotions on the same page, even if a wrong one.
Venus conjunct Pluto in Scorpio with his Venus in the 5° (the erotic degree), which means in time, he will be freed from his physical preoccupation with sex, and he will be more able to enjoy all kinds of human contacts. It also means that he attracts people despite him being dumb as fuck. They may be interested in his dramatic sense or his artistic leanings, or they may be fascinated by his fearless involvement in deep and sometimes dangerous alliances. He arouses deep responses in people, even those he contacts casually. His nature stimulates both positive and negative reactions. Although he's a Sag, he’s extremely Scorpio just based off of that conjunction and placement.
Sun conjunct moon in Sag in the 9th—he really thinks highly of himself. Too highly of himself. Like all fire signs do. Under the influence of certain religious, moral and doctrinal teachings, the assumption of certitude can be made, especially as there can be an underlying pattern of desiring to be authoritative, and to assert or impose personal views as being the only correct ones. Ultimately, taking such a stance proves to be restrictive and self-limiting, closing perceptions and options down to only those which are 'allowable', and thus distorting individual understanding and perspective. Taking moralistic attitudes often corresponds with assuming critical and judgemental positions, which only fuels the separation of people within society rather than connecting them more strongly. His BIG ego and BIG emotions are in sync (Sag is Jupiter ruled, remember)—so that explains his larger than life ego. In spite of his seeming self-assurance, he's not too successful in relating to people except at the social level.
As a Sagittarius with a Mercury in Scorpio—he feels like what he says is deep and profound (when it really isn't). Nonetheless, having Mercury in Scorpio forces him into a more singular determined direction. He has the talent of hypnotizing others into something he wants them to do against their total acceptance. He shows how he feels or what he thinks by facial expressions, mannerisms and an enthusiastic sparkle to his eyes, which is shown through his videos.
His chart is mostly Sag, Scorpio & Pisces—that’s one Jupiter ruled sign, one Jupiter/Neptune ruled sign, and one Mars/Pluto ruled. I can definitely see all three because Pluto makes its mark through his thought process and Jupiter is known for expansion (of his fanbase of misogynists). Also Pisces is the sign of delusions; in case it's delusions of grandeur. With that last part being said, he looks really soft and probably was a sensitive man before he was scorned seeing actual real men get the respect from women he wishes he had without force/disrespect.
His need for control/domination over women stems from not only his Scorpio/Pluto dominance, but also his Lilith in Gemini opposite his Sag sun means that women are dangerous; they scare him and threaten his ego, so he needs to get them under his thumb with his tongue/the weapon of mass communication. As a Pisces dominant, he's a beta male, so the fact that he knows he isn’t the type of man to naturally evoke respect/admiration from women so he went so far to the extreme end of manosphere in order to fake it till he makes it. He thinks being red pill means being an alpha, but he’s so wrong, he looks even more bitchmade then before he started to spout this bullshit. Like men with Cancer Mars, some men with Mars in Pisces don’t have a healthy relationship with aggression/sex/relations with the other sex because they’re naturally prone to be sensitive or “weak” but they hate that because they refuse to be under control from women, or are ashamed of the fact they’re so soft/sensitive so they veer to the extreme end to overcompensate or throw other people off the scent of their sensitivity (a typical Scorpio and Pisces trait).
He has a Scorpio Venus, Pluto and Mercury as well as a Pisces Mars which conjunct his Jupiter (from a wider orb but its to be considered nonetheless); so with all that outward-turning water energy, he’s definitely loud and wrong and he’s quite proud about it. Scorpio likes to investigate and get to the bottom of things, and they also hold grudges harder than everyone likes to say Cancers do, so that's also why he’s not letting his grudge towards women go. Saturn especially adds a restricting influence to what it touches. He might be repressed and instead of taking that and internalizing (if Saturn would be retrograde), he externalizes by asking others to also repress someone (namely women).
His chart is mostly a Minor Triangle, which is one trine and two sextiles. Trine planets are energies that are integrated in his personality and easily expressed, and a sextile is dynamic which requires some sort of effort. Him being a professional fighter both physically (Mars dominance) and verbally as well as always seeking opportunities to spread his message represents that. Until his arrest, it was working well for him because these energies were working together easily and positively, although what he is actually saying is upsetting to people.
If he had more lowkey planets he’d be an obscure guru with a big following but his Sag sun and fire dominance, specifically his Sagittarius stellium (3 or more planets in the same sign) adds this focus of speaking out bluntly to anyone that challenges him, even privately, which is entertaining and lights a fire of rebellion in others.
The motherfucker was on a roll until he played himself late last year by coming for Capricorn environmentalist Greta Thunberg.
She may not have Cancer in her chart either, but despite this, she’s still a human being anyway. At least the only water sign represented, Scorpio, gives her the courage of her convictions and a fierce yet evident humaneness about her as does her earth and air dominance. Uranus dominance means that she is a conduit for change. Saturn dominance, she is very serious about her mission. She cares deeply and is willing to fight fiercely for what she loves (as is evidenced in her Venus and Mars in Scorpio)--her ideals (Aquarius dominance) and she is fixed and focused in her goal (Capriocrn, earth and fixed dominance).
On December 27, 2022, Tate addressed Thunberg in a tweet extolling his carbon-emitting automobiles and asked for her email address to give her more information. The following day, Thunberg (who's also a Capricorn moon and Mercury) replied with the fake email address "[email protected]".
The exchange received substantial attention on Twitter and became one of the most-liked tweets ever. Almost immediately after this exchange, he filmed a video in which pizza boxes were visible that eagle-eyed viewers noted gave away his place of residence. On December 29, 2022, Tate and his brother, Tristan, were arrested in Romania along with two women; all four are charged with human trafficking and forming an organized crime group.
These are the transits for his arrest. His sun squared Uranus in Taurus and Neptune in Pisces on December 29, 2022, which is a somewhat disruptive transit, during which people were subject to sudden upsets or to behaviour that is upsetting to others (Tate's extreme viewpoints and unnecessary trolling of Thunberg). The main point is that he could expect the unexpected that day becasue of his actions. Which he did. He was obviously not clear-headed enough to pull off a convincing deception of his greatness (hence the pizza boxes detailing his location in the video). His moon squared Moon and Neptune in Pisces that day, which meant that there were moments of difficulty and irritation. Old points of view, habits picked up in childhood, prejudices — all misled him under this influence. His relations with women were not very smooth at this time. His emotions were discordant, and he was more inclined to get into disagreements with others (Thunberg), which had the greatest effect in his most personal life and domestic situation (his arrest).
Thunberg, ever the succinct earth and air dominated Capricorn, tweeted:
this is what happens when you don’t recycle your pizza boxes
More of an accurate analysis would be had provided there was a birth time for this individual, of course, but yeah. That's all I got.
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Dark Brandon Lights Up Voters
Stephen Jay Morris
9-10-2022
©Scientific Morality
All this hype about VR—virtual reality. Those headsets look like blindfolds on space aliens from Planet Oy Vey, just before they administer the death penalty by firing squad, using Jewish laser beams.
You want reality? Just turn your head and look around! But, no—not here in America! Nope. We live in a culture of escapism. My generation used hallucinogenic drugs, like LSD 25, or “Magic Mushrooms,” to escape the dystopian reality of capitalism and protestant Christianity. Timothy Leary predicted, in the 70’s, that people would cease using chemicals and, instead, get high by Cyber means. Well—just look at all those fools with the goofy headsets!
A lot of Americans have their own methodology of escapism. Like religion, for example, or movies. For you Millennial's, it’s been video games. Whatever. This all equates to what I call magic thinking.
Where does magic thinking come from? One’s childhood. Your parents recount or read fairy tales about magic as you sit upon their knee. Your prepubescent imagination fires up and a seed is planted in your subconscious! Soon, religion takes over and you are ready to accept whatever the pastor shouts at you from behind his pulpit. He rants about some omniscient God that will protect his followers—you—by doing magic against evil. A question: Why must he protect you from the evil that he created? Good question! But I digress.
When I was a young kid, my escapist entertainment was comic books. They cost 12 cents each and they were worth every penny! I could gaze at great art work and read imaginative stories. The stories’ subjects were primarily super heroes of various sizes, shapes, and powers. Using their special powers, they’d solve problems and fight against evil.
So, why am I telling you this?
I’m telling you this because a majority of Americans believe in magical thinking, by way of glorifying a dynamic individual. They believe there is one being who can stand up to an army of evil androids, 20 feet tall! I hate to break it to you, but no such thing exists.
Some Americans believe that, with a lot of money, this individual knows the secrets of life and success, and will free you from debt and your fear of evil. This was the crux of the whole Trump appeal. In his followers’ minds, he was going to deliver them from their miserable lives and provide a powerful and prosperous country of which they all could be proud. Fortunately, a lot of us saw through that facade with the realization that we were actually witnessing the great “son” of P.T. Barnum. To Trump, every White Protestant was not a patriotic American, but a stupid sucker that was born just a minute ago.
You see, there is a certain, childish naivete to the White American male. They believe that when their father beats them, it makes them a better person; that authority is always right. If Trump lies or cheats, he has a very good reason. This comes from authority dependency. I use critical thinking, so I know that when Trump does these things, it is because he is an evil asshole! To his followers, however, he is infallible.
Now, in walks President Joe Biden. He is an old fashioned politician. He leads by reading popularity polls. His politics remind me of Hubert Humphrey, a pragmatic centrist. Joe ain’t going to risk his career by saying something reckless or stupid. As Trump’s popularity started to shrink, then Biden donned his superhero outfit. He became more aggressive toward the Alt-Right, which is an easy task to do. It’s like condemning a child molester: everybody agrees with you. Try criticizing the Pope, or the President of Israel—see what it will get you! Now, that is daring!
Oh, don’t get me wrong! I get sadistic joy in Joe Biden’s verbal abuse of Trump. But this “Dark Bradon” shit? This was conceived by a meme artist on social media. It’s very entertaining, but politically useless.
One more point: FDR rules the roost. He went after the Conservatives and welcomed their hatred. He showed the Right-wingers who was boss! History would vindicate Roosevelt of being a “creeping Socialist.” If not for his government programs, America would be a Communist regime by now! He pulled the carpet out from under the Communist movement. The Conservatives, however, are too dumb to realize that. You don’t stop communism with a gun! You stop communism by Democratic Capitalism.
As an Anarchist, I am no friend of Liberals and Progressives, but they are the lesser of two evils: the Conservatives and MAGA jerks. Once we eliminate the Conservatives, then we go after the Libs.
Have a great day! No... Have a nice day!
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When activism loses itself.
I've seen so much division in various communities lately and wanted to write something to express my thoughts on it. I understand that people care and want to feel like they are making a difference. I understand that where they have established a particular social media community as important to them, the desire to see that community cares as much as you about issues is huge.
Part of the value of social media is that it can raise awareness, used skillfully it can educate and change hearts and minds. It's also a powerful tool for those who care to feel like they are doing something to support a cause. It's great that people who feel powerless and angered by events can channel that to try and drive change through social media, but that's achieved by education and discussion, and by supporting curiosity to grow understanding.
When that passion is used to attack the people they want to influence, it often has the opposite effect. People become afraid to ask, to learn, and instead avoid the issue entirely. They won't ask, won't learn the small sacrifices they can make in support as they're too afraid of falling foul of the mob. People's social media is often a narrow, anonymised view of them. You don't know who they are or or how vulnerable they are, what they do in their wider life to support a cause, personally or professionally. Nor do you know why they speak on one subject but not another. They may unawares to you be closer to the issue than you. They may be more impacted by it than you. They may have other vulnerabilities or suffer in ways you have no awareness of. For many socal media is an escape from realities they battle every day. If social media for you is a space you use to campaign for a cause, for a greater good, that's amazing, but if you allow that to foster a sense of absolutism, if you allow it to reduce the humans you are trying to influence to be labelled good or evil, moral or amoral, worthy or unworthy by whether they carry out one specific action in support of your cause? If you are raging at people for not doing that and feeling like by doing so, you are furthering your cause? You've got it wrong. What your are actually doing is dehumanising them and judging them based on whether they meet your test of morality. That's drifting into extremist behaviour it's not helpful It's what drives polarisation and increases the chances of people dissociating completely from important causes.
Think about what you are actually trying to achieve and the human emotions and behaviours that lead to those problems. Remember it's real people you are trying to influence. People who will often care just as
much or maybe more than you do about the cause, or who, if they don't have an understanding of the cause, very likely care about doing what's right and what's decent. They need to be educated and empowered to act in a way that is accessible for them and furthers the cause, rather than satisfying your demand for a specific performative action. Think about this. Remember the big picture and engage to try and help people help your cause.
We're asking people to do x because of this.
Can't do that? No problem, have you thought about what else you could do?
No? That's OK, here's some
suggestions:
You can encourage them to write
to those in authority.
You can give them accurate
sources to understand where and
why boycotts may be effective.
You can encourage them to join you in reaching more people.
You can respectfully empower people and let go of knowing what they choose, because that's just serving personal validation and ego. It does nothing to further your cause.
If you're currently using social media to fight against any systemic wrong, atrocity, or injustice, reflect on what you want to achieve & if your approach and behaviours reflect a champion of that cause or a dictator. Don't target your righteous anger at the people you want to influence, but at the wrong you want to right. Don't justify attacking individual people, who you really know nothing about for not meeting your narrow view of how they must be seen to support a cause. Those who are intentionally using their power to drive forward the wrongs you are fighting are celebrating your personal attacks on innocent people, which change nothing and move the real offenders no closer to facing accountability.
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One-dimensionally evil women are invented, not born. All of the facets of the Sumner story that are being used to moralize her humiliation and defend the right to burn her at the stake — the idea that she knowingly pursued a married man, that she threw around buzzwords like “exploited” to play the victim, that she singlehandedly ruined Behati’s life, that she only publicized her story for personal gain — are pure conspiracy, proven by nothing but the perpetual motion machine of social media speculation. That speculation was bolstered, as usual, by run-of-the-mill sexism that could be applied unilaterally to nearly any woman in her place: her makeup, her voice, her OnlyFans account, and her body were all used as a twisted kind of proof that she was exactly who people wanted her to be.
In this way, moral impurity is forced onto women by virtue of our existence. This is why we must learn to resist the spectacle of public shaming and mass misogynistic humiliation regardless of whether its victims are morally pure or not. Feminist principles that are subject to change based on whether or not individual women can be proven to be objectively and ontologically good are not principles at all — they’re fashion accessories, as flimsy and permeable as tissue paper.
What power could you possibly be fighting when you take the same philosophical and political position as the puritan churches of the 18th century — that there is no end to the humiliation and punishment that a “sexually deviant” woman can deserve?
What unsettles me the most, however, is the fact that people found it genuinely impossible to engage with any criticism of Sumner’s punishment without reading it as a de facto denial of any wrongdoing. When someone says, “this woman does not deserve mass public shaming and targeted misogynistic harassment”, many people are unable to hear anything but “this woman did absolutely nothing wrong at any point”. This kind of projection stems from a fundamental social paradigm that many of us find impossible to escape, even in our internal dialogues: our society is obsessed with the correlation between crime and punishment, and will manufacture causation between the two even when there is none. It seems genuinely inconceivable that one could oppose violent degradation unless the victim is morally pure, so much so that people often don’t even process it as a logical leap. After all, how could we possibly believe in crime without punishment? And why would we ever restrain ourselves from punishment if a crime had occurred?
Rather than criticize the larger structure that encouraged their punishment, we’ve learned to absolve individual women on a case-by-case basis; saying “we were wrong because she didn’t do anything to deserve that” instead of “we were wrong, and nobody deserves that” always leaves room for someone new to take her place (that is, of course, until we realize she didn’t really do anything that terrible either). The reality that I’ve always tried to point towards is this: we will never reach liberation in a social landscape obsessed with the spectacle of punishment unless we accept that one can be deeply flawed and still deserving of empathy and redemption.
And despite what their dehumanization campaigns try to tell you, these women will not be so different from you. Part of the psychohorror of womanhood is the ultimate truth that there will always, always, be someone for whom you seem too cruel, too manipulative, too sexual, too angry, too whorish, too morally impure. There will always be someone who looks at the way you move your lips and sees evidence that you are a monster; there will always be someone who hears your voice and thinks it proves that you deserve pain and suffering. There is no level of purity you can reach that will make you too good to be punished unless we resist the urge to punish at all.
Virtue is a commodity that is hoarded by those with power, and it can and will be taken from you. The cycle of seeking and destroying imperfect women one by one is a merry-go-round that seemingly never stops spinning; we have to make the choice to step off.
— excerpts from rayne fisher-quann’s “here we go again, and again and again” substack.
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I had always wondered about a certain aspect in martial arts or combat media that features some martial arts, and that is the "evil" or "dark" style that is considered reprehensible and immortal, and the style is... using guns, poisons, bombs, traps, hidden weapons, and so on. Every time there's a battle with such practitioners, they always gets called "dishonorable" or "evil" or maybe even cowardly. But then you also have "if this was a real fight, you'd be dead" trope when it comes to something like a mock duel vs a duel to the death, which often shows how in a "real fight" there's no use for honor and such and would often have the protagonist of such genre be fighting as dirty as possible and be treated as badass. My question then is... well, what exactly is "honor" in a fight? Isn't "dirty tricks" like sands in the eyes to resolve combat as quickly as possible the most desired trick? What exactly should be the balance between "pragmatism" and "honor", whatever the latter is?
Okay, so, I'll have to level with you, I have never heard of a martial arts style that considers IEDs as an important technique. Also, martial arts that incorporate firearms are more of a myth than reality. There are disarms, but there's no such thing as a, "gun kata." That's pure fiction.
Honor isn't about good and evil, it's not about right and wrong: Honor is about threat control. Honor is defined by those in power, and then applied to those below them, to ensure they cannot rise up and disrupt the status quo.
"The only unfair fight is the one you lose," thought process comes out of the understanding that giving your foe a fair chance to kill you is an utterly terrible idea. Especially against a better trained and better equipped foe, getting into a stand-up fight is suicidal.
It's dishonorable to run from a fight? Who does this benefit? Dying because you wouldn't break and escape just means you're dead.
It's dishonorable to attack someone from behind? Again, this only really benefits your foe. It's about tricking you into putting yourself into a more vulnerable position.
But, why is this a rule? Why is it dishonorable to stab someone in the back, but not to stab them in the face? In the distant past, when nobles fought on the battlefield, stabbing someone in the back meant you didn't know who you had just killed. However, if you saw their face before killing them, it meant you could properly assess whether they were one of the enemy nobles, meaning they should be ransomed back, rather than summarily killed on the battlefield. It made the battlefield less dangerous for the nobility, but no safer for the peasantry, and also helped to further enrich the winning nobles. But, of course, the person who is expected to behave, "honorably," was the conscripted foot soldier, who would see no benefit from, "being honorable," but may face harsh retribution if they killed someone they shouldn't have.
(This, also explains a large part of why guns and bombs can be considered dishonorable. These are indiscriminate, and therefore, a threat to those who set the rules.)
Honor is meaningless to a corpse. However, if you're in a position of power, dishonor is incredibly valuable. Dishonor becomes a tool to politically weaken (or in some cases outright eliminate) a threat. Dishonor can be applied through mere allegations. Dishonor can also apply social stigmas, and if it applies to a family, can be used to undermine entire factions.
Because it's dishonorable to lie, all but your most transparent lies can be used to implicate, and dishonor, your potential rivals. Best of all, questioning the honor of the powerful is often behavior that permits immediate, and vicious, retribution. So, even if someone does realize you're lying through your teeth, it gives you the pretext to eliminate them.
Honor is not, and never has been, about being a good person. It was never about morality or ethics. It is a weapon, wielded by those in power, against those beneath them. The first, and most effective lie honor presents is the idea that this is about being a good person. It is insidious, because, for the person with good intentions, it will lead them to punish themselves, if they step out of line.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to do the right thing. In many cases, that is laudable. However, honor is a about perverting that into a system where you will voluntarily hand advantage to your foes,
This isn't just codes of honor. Laws (both secular and religious) can be used in similar ways. To punish and marginalize potential foes, while simultaneously entrenching your own powerbase.
In many cases, codes of honor can support ethical, or moral behavior. It's something to consider carefully before fully ejecting the concept. However, living to see the next sunrise is more important than being honorable. It may be important to make your actions appear honorable, after the fact, but that's more about political damage control. The most important thing to understand about honor is that its real purpose is not what it appears to be. It was always a lie, designed to get you to put yourself at a disadvantage.
-Starke
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Trigger warning: suicide
This NEJM Perspective piece addresses an incredibly important problem during medical training. If you’re in medicine, take a minute to read this. And if you’re struggling yourself with mental health, especially during training, PLEASE feel free to reach out to me personally. We want to help. You are not alone in this. Click the keep reading link to view the article in its entirety.
My Intern - R.E. Leiter
Bobby hasn’t come in yet today,” one of my chief residents told me. “He isn’t picking up his phone or answering his pager. Could you go and check on him?”
I was in my final year of my internal medicine residency and was on a 6-week rotation as the assistant chief resident. In this role, I organized educational sessions for the residents and medical students and helped with administrative tasks. Most important, I learned how to support other residents and respond to their needs, which is what much of my job as chief resident would entail the next year.
Bobby was an intern in our program, and he and I had worked on a team together in early July. Bobby became my intern, and I was his senior resident. It was a role I cherished, and I tried to teach him all I could about caring for multiple sick patients simultaneously and navigating the systems, personalities, and politics of a large Manhattan hospital. We stayed late as we struggled to place an ultrasound-guided IV into the arm of a patient whose veins were shot from years of dialysis. Perched side by side on a windowsill, we nearly missed morning rounds as we listened to a dying patient recount his journey from India to the United States. By the end of our long, busy month together, I was proud of the doctor Bobby had already become.
Bobby lived in a building across the street from the hospital. New York prices being what they are, most teaching hospitals provide their residents with subsidized housing in the neighborhood. It’s a strange, almost dormlike environment, with residents working and living together in close quarters.
It was a cloudless yet cool August day when one of the other chief residents and I stepped out the side door of the hospital. When Bobby didn’t answer our knock, we explained the situation to the building’s staff and they sent a maintenance worker back up with us. We soon discovered the incomprehensible reality: Bobby had jumped out his window. The usual din of the Manhattan street below was eerily quiet. Cecil’s Internal Medicine lay open on his tiny kitchen table, the pages gently flapping in the breeze from the open window.
Somehow, we ended up in the emergency department and witnessed a compassionate but ultimately hopeless resuscitation attempt. While our program director broke the news to the other residents, we returned to the apartment and gave our statements to the police.
The sudden death of a colleague would shake any workplace; in a medical training program where the boundary between the personal and the professional blurred into near nonexistence, its effect was seismic. When Bobby died, we asked the same questions of ourselves that others do when a close friend dies by suicide: What could we have done to prevent it? What had we missed? But we also had a different set of questions: Had something happened to our colleague in the hospital the night before he died? We knew he had been on a particularly brutal rotation. Had he made a mistake? Our uncertainty precipitated the fear that we could be next.
A few days after Bobby died, my program director, one of the chiefs, and I flew to his small, Midwestern hometown to represent the residency program at his visitation. As I gave my condolences to Bobby’s sister, she enveloped me in an unexpected hug. “Bobby told me you were the perfect resident; he wanted to be just like you.” Though she meant it as high praise, her comment left me rattled. I couldn’t escape thoughts that my expectations were too high or that I should have picked up on something wrong while I was working so closely with him.
Residency leaves little time for self-reflection, though, and even less time for personal grief. The wards were as full as ever, and our patients and their families needed care. Because there was no one to replace us, we went back to work and processed the loss as well as we could. In the days and weeks that followed Bobby’s death, the program directors, chief residents, and I worked to rearrange staffing, but the hospital’s needs limited the changes we could make. Even when we did have flexibility, we nonetheless made scheduling mistakes as we tried to triage which residents and teams required the most support. We could all adapt to one or two residents taking time off for family, health, or personal reasons, but managing our collective trauma was entirely different, and our blind spots added to everyone’s emotional and physical exhaustion.
I threw myself deeper and deeper into my job, hoping that working to heal my patients’ suffering would shield me from my own. I kept my head down on my way into the hospital each morning, lest I catch a glimpse of Bobby’s window. Predictably, this strategy was unsustainable. Evaluating a new patient in the ED, I found myself in the same corner where I had watched my colleagues work on Bobby. I couldn’t muster the wherewithal to inhabit my role as a physician while also containing my terrifying memories. After rounds, I sobbed in my chief resident’s office. I saw Bobby’s death as a sign of my failure. I had failed as a resident. I had failed as a teacher. Bobby was my intern and I had failed him. I was terrified of working with another intern, let alone of serving as a chief to nearly 150 of them, many of whom would struggle with their own mental illness.
Each year, approximately 300 physicians in the United States die by suicide.1 Medical students and residents are particularly at risk, facing new professional responsibilities with the highest possible stakes, deep uncertainty about their own abilities, constant sleep deprivation, and isolation from family and friends. When I had a few seconds in residency to scroll through my social media feeds, I would see pictures of a world from which I felt completely removed. On Saturday nights, other people my age discovered new bands and ate at trendy new restaurants; I fought with the electronic medical record to input orders for laxatives and stood in line to perform chest compressions on a dying mother of two young children. These stressors form a dangerous and potentially toxic mix, particularly for trainees with preexisting or emerging mental illness.
Thankfully, I received the psychiatric services I so desperately needed. I still have a scar, but it’s well healed. I wonder, though, how many residents in our program remained isolated in their suffering. Bobby wasn’t only my intern; he was our colleague and friend. In the aftermath of his death, how many of us should have been working at all?
Six years after he died, I no longer worry about having failed Bobby. But I do think the system of medical training failed him and continues to fail every trainee it puts in harm’s way. Although there will be no easy solutions to this crisis, we cannot accept the status quo. We are losing too many young physicians to suicide for the current system to remain morally defensible. Seeking to improve the lives of others shouldn’t cost our trainees their own.
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, a prevention hotline can help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours per day at 800-273-8255. During a crisis, people who are hard of hearing can call 800-799-4889.
Disclosure forms provided by the author are available at NEJM.org.
The intern’s name has been changed to protect the family’s privacy.
This article was published on March 13, 2021, at NEJM.org.
#medblr#nursblr#medical school#fellowship#residency#life outside the hospital#please let me know if this is behind a paywall and I’ll find a way to post it#mental health#suicide
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Hi Em✨
I absolutely love your writing and your posts and I’ve been following you for a while now💕
I’m not sure about you but I feel quite uneasy/conflicted with the current rhetoric on book tok. I understand people not liking certain books but it’s been hard to see people slander books and the people that like those books/characters/stories,etc. I get that criticism is needed for certain themes or values that appear in books but reading is loosing some of its escapism for me:(
Reading in context (fictionally and in the real world) is always needed but sometimes I just like a book because of the characters or it’s story and not necessarily that it checks all the boxes for being perfect.
Tbh, as much as I love certain books, some of them have become tainted for me and I genuinely wish I didn’t I read other people’s opinions on them.
Book tok is great for reccs but I can’t even filter it out of my feed at this point. I kinda wish toxic fandoms also looked inwardly because as much fun it is to engage with fans and people that are apart of that fandom, some people take it way too far such as sending hateful anons to creators (such as you🥺) or calling books trash when they’ve been super influential or important to people.
I guess my little rant is over but I was wondering if you had any opinions on this or have any sort of guidance. Is there a place I could get reccs or how can avoid all of this rhetoric that can affect my view of a book.”?
Stay safe and have a good day✨💐
hi there, nonnie! thank you so much for the kind words, i really appreciate you 🥺❤️❤️
first off, i want to say that i 100% understand this. i never really got into booktok specifically because i had a feeling it was basically going to be book twitter 2.0 where everyone is just ripping into each other constantly. i don't like being influenced by other people's opinions either, and the drama that seems to be obligatory baggage for most fandoms these days (with the exception of TFOTA, cos for some reason we are extraordinarily chill) just isn't for me.
it is, of course, essential that we continue to think critically when it comes to media. it's the only way we can affect change in a positive direction. but this also must be balanced with a willingness to be humble with our opinions, understand that they are just opinions, and accept that everyone consumes media for different reasons.
this also means we'll all hold different boundaries about what we're willing to consume, and where we draw the line for things we won't consume. granted, books might be the mirror through which we see life reflected, but they are not reality itself. to a certain extent, fiction is fiction. and different boundaries does not a bad person make.
speaking of drawing lines, i'm going to direct you to this post by @bookofmirth , which is mainly about ACOTAR/SJM/Palestine but some of what they have to say there is very applicable to this topic, and eloquently put:
"Some people can separate art from artist. Some can't. It's up to all of us as individuals to draw that line where we are comfortable."
i agree with this statement wholeheartedly. it is not up to randomgal4549 on tiktok/twitter to decide what eye should or should not read. the unmitigated gall of anyone to think their opinion should dictate other people's choices is highly presumptuous and quite frankly exhausting.
apart from maybe the bible/other religious texts, what a person reads is not a reflection of who they are or what beliefs they hold. we need to learn not to conflate the two, and start regarding each other once more as humans with complex thoughts and feelings, capable of introspection and growth, instead of little icons on our phone screens with immovable and absolute beliefs.
so that's my opinion on that. my main advice to you would be KEEP THINGS ORGANISED. what i mean by that is this:
curate your social media experience! it is YOUR responsibility as an owner of any social media account (including tumblr) to customise your space to fit YOUR needs. if you don't like someone's opinion/content? unfollow. if someone is rude/you don't like their vibe? block. if you find the things someone shares to their socials offensive? unfriend. this is setting boundaries, and the people who take any of these things as a personal offence are the exact people you want to keep a healthy distance away from. you decide who you follow and what you see on your dash. be protective of your space and who you allow to have access to your energy.
keep personal feelings separate from the public! i honestly can't stress this point enough. if you feel the need to rant about something that irks you about a specific book/author/person's opinion, keep these discussions in the DMs with a trusted circle of friends. it is psychologically proven that when someone feels attacked, they will double down on their og opinion, no matter if they realise they're wrong. thus, projecting high-strung emotions into public spaces such as twitter, while understandable in some cases, will only serve to further polarise people and hurt the very movement you're likely trying to bolster. blow off steam with people you can entrust with your emotions. NOT strangers on the internet.
designate time to learning about issues that are important to you! i strongly advise against turning to any fictional medium for moral lessons or life advice. if you can dedicate some time outside of your escapism to inform yourself about important subjects through educational resources that are specifically designed to Teach/Impart Knowledge, instead of giving an ounce of thought to Intrinsically Biased Information Received Second Hand, i promise you you'll feel a whole lot less obligated to other people's opinions.
if you're unsure about a particular book/author, consider borrowing from your local library, purchasing the book second hand, or finding an ePub copy.
for recs, consider booktube. i know it's probably seen as a bit old school by now, but the great thing about youtube is that you're not randomly/unexpectedly subjected to other people's shit opinions like on other social platforms. you have to click a link to watch the video, which gives you more autonomy in regards to what opinions you consume. my personal favourite youtuber is Khadija Mbowe. she's not a booktuber, per se, but her content focuses on in-depth critical analysis of media/society through the lense of WOC (specifically Black women), and i find her channel compelling as well as informative.
goodreads is also a great place to find book recs without the constant influx of opinions. if you can find yourself a circle of trusted friends to follow on there, you can't go wrong. my goodreads is linked in my bio under "connect" and you're welcome to follow me there. or not! it's your choice.
–Em 🖤🗡
#this is incredibly long i'm so sorry 🙈#on mobile so i can't add a cut#discoursey#like i realise it's probably gotten worse recently with the pandemic and more screen time#but i honestly wouldn't touch most fandoms with a 12 foot pole#it's too messy for me#of course i still read and enjoy books that have fandoms. i just don't get involved#TFOTA is my one exception and even we have our days lmao#you have to do what's healthy for you. and if that means leaving tiktok/twitter altogether? DO IT. you won't regret it i promise#i quit twitter facebook and instagram in 2018 and it's the best decision i ever made#i love you nonnie i hope this helped 🥺❤️#thanks for the ask!! 💜#asked and answered#em answers#nonnie#long post
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Event Astrology: Creation of Tumblr 💫
Since it’s Pisces season and Tumblr’s Birthday is tomorrow, Feb 19th, I wanted to talk about the astrology of this website! First of all, there’s a huge Pisces and 10th house stellium. Pisces deals with spirituality, dreams, imagination, creativity, and empathy. The tenth house deals with public persona, how you’re seen online, power, contribution to society, and overall reputation, especially when it comes to your career. This combination means that tumblr is known for being creative and a place where romanticization of life happens, at least many blogs and posts have that dreamy feel. Even though there aren’t any planets in the 12th house, I’d argue Pisces is also associated with solitude & being alone. Going on tumblr feels so different from typical social media. It feels detached & disconnected from other popular apps. To me it feels comforting and a place where you can express your interests without feeling the need to show off your personal life. That’s how I see Pisces. Ok, now let’s dive in.
Pisces Sun in the 10th House: This placement explains why Tumblr is known as a space where people share their art. A real person with this placement would be known for being a talented artist. There is a need to distinguish from others in the public eye here. 10th house sun suggests a hard worker. A lot of people on tumblr put in a lot of time and work into crafting their blogs and managing their account. The mixture of Pisces and the 10th house here indicates a large amount of wisdom. You can find lots of serious, emotional posts on here with lessons, inspiration, and pieces of advice. Compared to other social media sites, Tumblr is a quiet and behind the scenes yet still very established and well known.
Pisces Moon in the 10th House: People with this moon placement usually have a need to escape. Tumblr feels like a safe way to escape from reality for a while. As previously mentioned, Tumblr (the people on it) is known for romanticizing daily life and the little mundane things. Aesthetics and pretty things matter. It’s still somewhat seen today but years ago there was a huge, collective emo phase with a strong connection to musical artists who wrote emotional songs. I think this placement contributes to the site being misunderstood. There’s more than what meets the eye/what you’ve heard about it. There is an emotional need for recognition and achievement here. That makes sense for any social media.
Pisces Mercury in 10th House: Here there is a silly and some may say odd overall type of humor on Tumblr. Mercury being in the 10th means they may be criticized publicly for the way they think and how they express their thoughts. This placement is concerned with bettering themselves. They want to be remembered for being a good communicator and a knowledgeable person who achieved many things.
Pisces Venus in 10th House: Again, all the Pisces themes of the arts, spiritual realm, and romance are heightened here in the planet of love and the public 10th house. Open minded and find it easy to love people, places, and things. Pisces venus could typically have a tendency to idolize people to a great extent but being in the 10th house there is an added layer of realism and detachment. Even though it’s in the 10th house, Pisces venus aren’t attracted to money and material wealth. There is a widely accepted notion going around on Tumblr recently that celebrity culture can be toxic and there is a dislike of rich people. Pisces venus people especially value genuinely kind people who are giving and have strong morals.
Capricorn Mars in the 8th House: There is something mysterious about this placement. They value privacy. This makes sense with the ability to hide or display your likes and who you’re following. Also connects to how tumblr doesn’t show other people your follower count. Psychology and spirituality are two interests this placement would gravitate towards. I didn’t want to have to go there but this placement just makes a lot of sense for when there used to be........you know, .... available on Tumblr. I’ll leave it at that.
Sagittarius Jupiter in the 6th House: I read on Astrohealer.com that the 6th house is associated with your early twenties and therefore ideological formation. Due to all the discourse on here, whether you’d like to admit it or not, you might have found something you believe in here. Sagittarius is naturally philosophical and loves to travel and learn. This placement makes sense for the amount of langblrs, studyblrs, and astroblrs that are on tumblr. This placement attracts good luck/good fortune when they’re helping and educating others. I think this is something Tumblr is known for. Also Jupiter being in the same sign as Pluto, there could be a tendency to push your beliefs on to someone and cause controversy. People with Jupiter in the 6th house though are able to be critical and decide for themselves what they find right and wrong and they will voice that. This is also a great placement for writers. This site is also known for having some really long posts (uh...kind of like this one now.)
Leo Saturn in the 3rd House: This placement shows someone that denies their desire to be in the spotlight or show off. You dislike authority & believe everyone should be in charge of themselves. There’s a mixture of being proud yet insecure here. People with this placement could have back issues. I know it’s a common thing, but so many people on here write posts about their back hurting even at a young age, so I think that’s interesting. 3rd house means you could be outspoken and you take your time to pay attention to your surroundings.
Pisces Uranus in the 10th House: Natural dreamers who find unique ways to solve problems. Uranus being in the 10th house means they’re known for being quirky and inventive. There is a deep desire to help humanity here. I’ve seen that over the years on tumblr.
Aquarius Neptune in the 9th House: A person/place where big goals and dreams are put into action. They may not always be the most realistic though. A creative teacher and a placement that’s open to new or seemingly unusual ideas.
Sagittarius Pluto in the 7th House: Philosophy is a natural topic of interest here. A passion for talking about how beliefs change as well. A placement that truly wants to change the world for the better. This is a true mediator placement. Since the 7th house is an air house, it’s naturally logical and engaging in debates and discourse is transformational. it’s the house of relationships. maybe you made meaningful friendships on tumblr that changed your life/your outlook on life.
Gemini Rising: Obviously I don’t know the exact time of creation, but this makes sense. Gemini rising is known for having lots of interests and having a love of engaging in discussions with people. Tumblr is known for it’s different ‘sides’ (various blog communities/interests) and having various phases through time. Gemini rising is always evolving. Also there’s multiple functions on tumblr whereas the main goal of say, Snapchat, is to send pictures to your friends or story which eventually goes away.
Aquarius 10th House/Midheaven: I knew there had to be a major Aqua placement. Unique creators who come up with new and exciting ideas and content. True trend setters. Tumblr has always been years ahead of its time compared to other social media site users in terms of musicians who get popular, fashion and clothing trends, specific discourse topics, and even the creation of certain popular aesthetics. Aquarius is associated with friendships and the collective. As opposed to Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook where most of your friends/followers are people you know, Tumblr is all about following people you’ve (chances are) never met irl. Aquarius is associated with computers, humanity, and nonconformity.
Let me know if there’s any recommendations you’d like to see for an event analysis. Feel free to share your thoughts on whether you agree or disagree with things I said in this interpretation. I find it really interesting to look at charts of when bands were founded, when something was discovered etc. Hopefully this wasn’t too repetitive. Maybe I’ll try to add some aspect interpretations next time
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[reaction] ateez having a little sister who is a successful idol
Can you do an ATEEZ reaction to their little sister being a successful idol? 💕 Thank you!
☽. a cute request!! thank you for sending this in, i had fun doing this (❁´◡`❁) if you enjoyed reading this, please check out more in my masterlist!
requested: yes; anon
word count: 1.5k words
[Hongjoong] —
It felt surreal to him, because Hongjoong could remember as if it were yesterday when you and him talked about what success meant for the both of you
He’d probably cry of happiness when you joyfully tell him that you’ve finally reached your dreams of success (and you’ll have to be the one to hold and comfort him at this point,,,)
Hongjoong would hug you tight and be so giddy, he’d be jumping in joy and even clapping his hands as he speaks to you
He’d tell you how happy he is, how proud he is, and how much he really wanted this for you
It made him remember all the struggles he faced as a trainee, especially when he was one of the only few KQ trainees back then; he never wanted you to go through too much of a difficult time
Hongjoong can find parallels of his life to yours, and seeing how successful you are now puts him at ease
It’s surreal, nostalgic even, but your happiness is enough to keep him happy and that’s all that matters
[Seonghwa] —
Seonghwa is a subtle fan, he would like to claim
Even if he’s updated with your group’s activities and on what the media says about you
Seonghwa thinks he’s subtle because he doesn’t always bring you up when he’s in public
And because he doesn’t talk about it often, it sometimes escapes Seonghwa’s mind that his younger sibling is actually a relatively successful idol
So much that he’ll still be shocked when he sees an article praising your skills and abilities
He isn’t surprised though, he knows you’re excellent it runs in your blood
Seonghwa as your proud brother, would always show you any articles that he comes across so he could boost your morale !!
He lets everyone’s testimonies convince that you’re doing well and that you’re a very capable person because he is a subtle fan
Even if he practically knows all your choreo, and is always the first to rush front when your songs play for a random dance
[Yunho] —
Yunho could vividly recall that, in your opinion, the peak of success would occur when other groups would begin to make covers of your songs
Since then, he’d constantly keep an eye out for any groups who would make covers of any kind; let it be dancing, singing, rapping, literally any of its kind
So on the day he chances upon a rookie group doing a dance cover of one of your more popular title track, he wastes no time to send a chat to you to share the news
You probably won’t reply immediately though, unless you’re sending keyboard smash because you can’t believe it????
You’re busy sharing the news to everyone around you in the dorm and Yunho is also busy sharing the news to everyone in ATEEZ, and everyone else can tell how happy he is by the way his eyes practically glimmer under the light
If you don’t reply soon though he’s going to be sad that you ignored your Big Bro but he doesn’t mind, he’s sharing the joy with you as you achieved such a big milestone uwu
You’ll see him post a dance cover of your song to celebrate, except he’ll post it without context and ATINYs will be left confused lmao
[Yeosang] —
Yeosang, throughout time, kept his family life relatively private so not a lot of people actually realized that you two were siblings
When both of you were training, he kept his distance so he could let you focus on your career (and so that he could focus as well)
Because of that, a lot of people believed that it might have been cold of him to do that as your older brother, but you digress
He was a silent caregiver, just by intuition he could sense when you were in distress and would send a text just as you were going to crumble under pressure and insecurity
Calls were always dedicated for times of vulnerability, and those were times where Yeosang can truly shine as the older brother you needed
Except this time, when you called him, it was to thank him for being with you until your current success, and it took Yeosang by surprise
It only dawns on him that you’ve actually reached greater heights, and he feels a bit sad that he was too busy to see that
Yeosang was always there during dark times, but seeing you touching the sky at the height of success makes him feel like all the times he spent guiding you in the dark were all worth it
[San] —
San?? He’s your number one hype man, and your biggest fan
I feel that out of 8 of them, he’d be the most vocal about your relationship as siblings
And he’d use every opportunity available to promote you, and with much more intensity compared to Yunho, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung
He always has selcas with you whenever you’re both at the same location
He’d share small stories about you and him during vlives, whether or not it was asked for in the chats
Maybe even play your songs in the live, both titles and b-sides
He’d tweet dance covers, and if there are dance challenges being promoted for your comeback, he’ll definitely post one as soon as he’s free
And if you think that that’s a lot, wait until special events like your birthday and siblings’ day
He’s going to treat you to food and he’ll pay, whether you like it or not
And aside from that, he’ll be ready with a special message for you: both on social media and on private messaging
He’s very affectionate as an older brother, but all that is love is to show you how proud he is
[Mingi] —
Mingi never forgets your schedules, especially your solo schedules
As your older brother, there really are times where he feels like he should worry more about you, but he can’t help but leave you to your own devices
He trusts you a lot, and he knows that you’re very capable on your own, especially if you’ve reached this far in your idol career
Regardless, it’s a worry that has plagued him often
But it didn’t stay that way for long, especially as he continues to watch the broadcast of the reality show you’re guesting in
You’re on your own in this reality show, and your solo appearance on this intelligence-related show was highly anticipated by everyone
Mingi watches you carry yourself with so much confidence, and even make witty remarks that elicits a laugh from every other host around you
And when he sees you meekly smile as the other guests compliment you, it makes him realize that you’re doing alright
He realizes that he has nothing to worry about, and he can’t help but feel that he’s been a good brother to you all these years
Especially when he sees you following his advice about showing aegyo when he continues watching the show
[Wooyoung] —
On the day you received your first music show win, Wooyoung was completely elated, head in the clouds, absolutely overjoyed
So much that he actually yelled so loudly that everyone from outside the practice hall could hear him
He was quite loud, but no one could stop a stage brother like him,,,
Practically everyone knows that you two are related, especially because with every waking moment he’d do his best to promote your group and it’s super endearing
In fact, if someone asked him what his favorite song was at the moment, he’d usually reply with the most recent title track you released
For every achievement you attain, and every milestone you and your group reach, he’s always there to congratulate you and remind you how proud he is uwu
This is no different, achieving your first win is a big success, so you’re definitely going to expect another call from him once your activities for the day are over
And it will begin with a shrill shriek from his side of the line, as his calls were always like (loud, endearingly loud, and filled with love)
[Jongho] —
When you tell Jongho your recent achievements, he’d be just as proud of you as everyone else!!
Although, unlike the others, I think he would feel a bit guilty for all the times he would discourage you from joining the idol industry
Hearing you talk reminded him so much about those times where he would watch over your actions, and he understands that it must have been a bad move for him to that
More so when he would discourage you from achieving your dreams to be a successful idol
But don’t get him wrong, it’s because he knows what it’s like to be training at such a young age
And being the youngest member of ATEEZ made him realize how difficult it must be for people much younger than him to be undegoing such pressures
At the height of your success, he’d apologize for his earlier remarks, especially if they hurt you and actually made you unhappy
Regardless of your response to his apology, he’ll show a better side of him; one that would support you and your endeavors
All so he could make up for all the times he worried and doubted you at the beginning
#ateez#ateez scenarios#ateez imagines#ateez drabbles#ateez reactions#hongjoong#kim hongjoong#seonghwa#park seonghwa#yunho#jeong yunho#yeosang#kang yeosang#san#choi san#ateez san#mingi#song mingi#wooyoung#jung wooyoung#jongho#choi jongho#ateez fluff#ateez au#ateez smut#requests#150 follower milestone#tomoonine writing
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From the iconic films of drag legend Divine to the campy classics The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar; the essential documentary Paris Is Burning to the groundbreaking TV series Pose; and, of course, the popular herstory-making franchise of RuPaul’s Drag Race. There’s a plethora of content from drag culture that can comfort the weary during these confusing times.
Drag, in its basic sense, is about transformation. It’s a reaction to society’s standards and expectations. However, albeit entertaining at first glance, drag, like any other art form, has always been political. From half a century ago’s queens of Stonewall riots to today’s digital queens, drag has always fought for the downtrodden – all the while wearing seven-inch rhinestone-studded heels.
In celebration of Pride Month, INQUIRER.net talked to six of the country’s fiercest queens about the importance of drag in this period of turmoil.
The art of drag
I always knew I like creating things, whether it’s dressing up our Christmas tree or dressing up for Halloween. When I first transformed in drag, it was like an epiphany. I knew this is something I would do for a long time. It was love at first drag…
As much as the pandemic has taken away the physical interaction that we used to enjoy during our parties, it also opened up more opportunities for the art of drag to be seen and appreciated. In the past, local drag queens and performers can only be seen inside nightclubs and LGBTQ establishments, and a lot of enthusiasts and artists don’t have access to such places, especially minors and those living in the provinces.
Nowadays, I still get to do drag, but more on hosting and co-producing online shows and parties. In doing so, I’m able to gather people and provide platforms for other drag artists to be seen and perform. So far, the reception has been good, especially since online e-numan is slowly becoming the new normal for our patrons in the clubs…
Drag is dynamic, evolving, and very diverse. Here in the Philippines, most people are familiar with drag through impersonators and our trans sisters donned in impeccable gowns. But there are also drag artists with occult or alternative aesthetics, or unpolished makeup skills, or garbage as part of their brand, and those who tell stories onstage that some may not like.
I, for one, am a storyteller. What I do is I incorporate current events or matters of public interest in the songs I perform. By carefully listening to the lyrics of a song, I weave its meaning to my stand on social issues. People may say it’s a political agenda, or that I’m biased or off-putting, but that’s what art does. It’s meant to provoke and challenge ideologies…
Human rights should never be a collateral damage. It is not the law itself that puts the people at risk. It’s the integrity and morality of those enforcing it that predisposes people to danger and makes them fear for their lives. Why would we trust such absolute power to this government?
-- Eva Le Queen
Mascots of the LGBT community
I started doing drag as an escape from reality. Just like any other art form, it’s a vehicle for the expression of my alter ego. My drag persona is an extension of who I am as a person.
I see it more as a hobby than work. I tell myself that I will stop doing drag once it starts to feel like work. During this pandemic, it’s so heartwarming to see all these queens, young and old, come together during these hard times…
There’s a Chicago drag queen named TRex who said, “As drag queens, we are the mascots of the LGBT community.” That resonated with me because we have a responsibility to amplify the voices of our community. Just because we’re entertainers doesn’t mean we don’t have a say on political issues.
In this country, those who criticize the government get silenced. That’s why as part of a community of outcasts in a society that conforms deeply to tradition, we make it a point to speak out without fear or reservations. Because at the end of the day, we have to be echoes that will remind our countrymen that we are the generation that never forgets…
It’s crazy. “I am the law.” That’s what’s happening in our country right now. It’s no longer about the law of the state. That’s why the Terror Bill is wrong. If the government can abuse the law against journalists who are only doing their job, they can surely do it to anyone.
The problem is, supporters of politicians act like fandoms. It shouldn’t be that way. They hold their positions because the people put them there. But, really, what can we expect from this government? You elect a clown, expect a circus.
-- ØV CÜNT
Disturbing the comfortable
Drag is a matter of creating your own reality, and in creating your identity, you get to choose the traits that you want to embody. I believe that it’s a melting pot of everything I’ve learned in life, especially from theater and the arts.
As drag queens, we get to break the social norms, and we do it with more power and confidence than we ever thought we had.
Drag is art, and art in general is meant to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. It’s a fun way of looking at what’s happening in our society and of doing checks and balances. Drag queens have always been integral in the LGBT movement, and removing politics from a drag queen is the same as removing that person’s identity…
Ever since the lockdown, more newbies have joined the scene, and they even get to perform with the more veteran queens. People aren’t that busy so we get to interact with each other. Queens from different clubs and cities finally get the chance to collaborate. Everyone gets a level playing field.
At the same time, it’s also challenging because it’s still a live show, so you still have to put in the effort. There’s no assurance of a talent fee, and the attention span of netizens is so short, especially with so many things competing for their attention online. It’s a different stage, too. We’re constricted to the screens of other people’s devices…
I always try to make my drag fun, but it depends on the mood, the sound, and the message. Same with crafting any other performance, there has to be a story. You should get the audience hooked and there has to be an escalation and climax. Whether you make it subtle or literal, the message always has to come across.
For me, the message is often about coming together as so-called deviants and telling people who we are and demanding what is ours, or telling people that we are not a sin and that being ourselves is good enough.
-- Mrs. Tan
Drag is unbreakable
I did drag for the first time by joining Drag Cartel back in November 2017. It’s a competition for aspiring drag queens. Category for the night was “Disney On Ice,” so I came as Prince Charming in drag. That night, I won, and from there, my love for drag just bloomed.
I do it because it makes me do things that I’d normally just fantasize about. It’s a realization of the things that give me inspiration. The look, the makeup, the attitude. Even though it takes a lot of time, effort, and money, and even though my face breaks out and I get physically hurt while performing, living that fantasy is still the best feeling…
“Keep drag alive” is what we always say, and that goes for togetherness. For drag queens, drag enthusiasts, and drag lovers to maximize the power of social media and uplift queer artists to keep pushing, and to show that this pandemic is not a reason to stop doing what you love…
Drag is a middle finger to all forms of hatred, homophobia, discrimination, social injustice, and stigma…
What’s going on in our country is so overwhelming that I’m often left speechless. Every day I scroll through my feed and I see one issue after another, and it makes me feel sick. I’m disgusted by the people responsible for all this mess.
I just hope people will take note of those in power who haven’t done anything good for this country. I hope that come election season, the people will remember what’s going on now and who’s responsible. I hope they vote for the right people. That’s all we can do as Filipinos.
—PRINCE
An image of hope
I started doing drag April of 2019 when I met a few drag queens (now my drag sisters and best friends) who helped me build my drag persona. I have always been very flamboyant and effeminate growing up, and drag opened up the possibilities for me to express those traits even further. Before, I was just doing it for self-discovery, but now, it’s for the community as well.
Drag is about finding the courage to create an image of hope and fulfilment for yourself that could later on affect other people’s lives…
The local scene has been very resilient when it comes to this pandemic. This is a living proof that drag is possible even without clubs and big venues. Just like wild grass, it’s bound to find a way to grow on its own no matter what…
Drag has always been political, and expressing my thoughts on socio-political issues through performances, public posts, online protests, and family and peer conversations is a way for me to maximize my drag as a political medium.
With everything that we’re facing right now, I think a lot of people are scared for their own safety more than ever. Aside from the unresolved coronavirus crisis, it’s really frightening to witness the recent displays of abuse of power and the questionable decisions of this government.
As a member of a community that has long been experiencing inequality, discrimination, and unlawful acts, I am deeply saddened with how all of this misconduct diminishes my hopes for a country free from oppression.
—Marina Summers
On the right side of history
Drag is my art, my craft, and my passion. Without it, I’m incomplete. It’s an alternative persona but it’s also part of my identity. It is the Juliet to my Romeo.
My interest in drag started after I saw the film To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar. The glitz and glamour was so fascinating, and I immediately wanted to be part of that world.
People may see us as glamorous toads with a million rhinestones in 7-inch heels but, girl, it’s not as easy as it looks. Drag is not just crossdressing. It’s a transformation.
Drag queens are probably the most resilient and most creative people I know. Drag is thriving even on lockdown. There are a lot of online shows for all to see. We figured out a new way of showcasing our chops. We will survive this…
Drag is political. It was, it is, and it always will be. Periodt. I am a full-grown adult man dressed up to the nines, looking like Joan Crawford after losing the Oscars. It’s a big middle-finger to toxic masculinity and misogyny.
I like to think I have a considerable amount of following, which means I have a platform. I always have a choice, just like everybody else. One can choose to stay quiet, which effectively means choosing the side of the oppressors. Or I, a drag queen, can choose to be part of a positive change and help inspire a new generation of people who are not afraid to express themselves, political or otherwise.
I want to end on the right side of history. As a drag queen, I believe I can do that.
—Dee Dee Holliday
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Saying Goodbye to The Good Place
Tonight I watched one of my favorite shows in history end. I watched it live with freaking commercials and I tuned out the rest of the world. And I cried my eyes out so many times. And I don’t know how well I can explain that, or how exactly to put into words what this show has meant to me, but I’m going to cry.
I started watching this show when season 2 came on Netflix. I had heard good things about it online and a friend or two had watched it, so I decided to give it a try. (I had watched the first, like, 2 episodes months before but hadn’t kept going or given it a real chance.) I found myself completely hooked. I watched the first season in two days and had finished everything the show had to offer by the end of the week, diving into tumblr accounts, twitter threads, the cast’s social media pages. None of that is uncommon for me when I first become obsessed with a show.
But The Good Place was uncommon. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen, and remains so to this day. It had fabulous humor in many facets, from Jason’s lovable idiocy to Chidi’s relatable indecision to Eleanor’s perfectly captured selfishness to Tahani’s name-dropping to Janet’s cacti to Michael’s comments about humans and the dynamics between them all and so much more. And the show, the writers, balanced all of that with so much heart. With Eleanor’s drive to be better. With Chidi’s ever-present willingness to help. With Jason’s unexpected and loving wise advice. With Tahani’s desire to be loved. With Michael’s growing understanding of humans and our lives. With Janet’s evolution and coming to understand what it means to feel and to love. And it was absolutely beautiful to watch these characters go through whatever they might go through in a given episode. I would watch this balance of perfectly imperfect in any situation you put on my screen.
But the writers and creators put them in a situation I’d never imagined would be on TV: discovering morality and spirituality in the afterlife. These characters navigated dilemmas we all face in our everyday lives. They made jokes and went through ridiculous scenarios and reboots and they messed up and tried time and time again, and through it all, we the viewers were learning. To be good. To be better. Maybe not necessarily by copying these characters, and certainly not their lives on earth, but by inspiring us to think about these questions and the implications of our lives. This show was a lovely escape from reality for 22 minutes until the picture faded and I found myself contemplating the things Chidi’s ethics class had tackled that week, or thinking about my own actions, what my version of the good place would be. All in all, this show made me think about the kind of person I want to be. And it actually made me a better person.
I think a lot about the little speeches made on this show, which have been anything but little to me. (Don’t get me started on Chidi’s wave speech I’ll be crying about it every day forever.) And I find myself thinking about what Michael says to Bad Janet almost every day. That what matters is that we try to be a little better today than we were yesterday. That that’s where hope for humanity lies. And that thought, that simple thought which should not boggle the mind of any decent human being, is groundbreaking. Because these simple and profound truths about the universe and humanity were nestled in every single episode of the good place, right there between jokes about Jason’s dance crew and Janet’s void. And they found their way into our lives, and I know that even just watching this show once a week was one of the things that made me a better person that day. Which is why I’m so grateful to this show.
Eleanor taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes. That being a little trashy is always fun as long as you have a good heart. And she and Chidi taught me that love is out there. That soulmates are something you make, not something you find, and that even if you can’t understand why at first, people who love you are going to come into your life and the real ones won’t disappear. She taught me that the walls have to come down someday, and that when they do, the view is so much better. Most importantly, she taught me that nothing is ever set in stone. That people can change and get better and learn to love and care and be loved and cared for.
Chidi taught me that the little things can’t hold me back. I felt seen by his (albeit, exaggerated) indecision and anxiety. But he grew throughout this show and through his journey, I learned to move aside the little struggles to make room for the big joys. I learned that helping someone is always worth my time, because even if I never see them again, or I never get thanked, I’m putting a little more good into the world. And he would always do that. He taught me that it’s okay to come into your own and stand up for yourself and what you believe in. He and Eleanor taught me that there’s always someone out there who has your back, and that love means putting someone else first. I especially saw that in the finale.
Tahani taught me that it’s okay to know who I am. That confidence is something each person deserves to feel. She taught me that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, as long as you remind yourself that it doesn’t determine your worth. She taught me that mistakes are a tool for learning, but they can’t be used if we pretend we didn’t make them. She taught me that it’s okay to be a little frivolous when frivolity brings you joy. She taught me that spite can be a great motivator, but the results are much more fruitful and enjoyable when you do things for other people.
Jason taught me that I don’t have to have all the answers. That there’s more to life than numbers and books and school and all the things that give a college student looking at the future anxiety. He taught me that it’s love that matters, and doing the things that bring you joy. He taught me that people are not always what they appear to be at first glance, and that everyone has something worthwhile to say. He taught me that words don’t have to be fancy or eloquent to be poignant and meaningful. He taught me that embracing who you are and what/who you love is what makes a person happy.
Janet taught me that knowledge isn’t everything. She reinforced the idea that emotions are not inferior or contrary to facts and knowledge, but rather something even deeper and more meaningful than trivia or information that could come from google. She taught me that life is a complicated mess full of millions of questions, and there are some that cannot be answered. She taught me that you love who you love, even if it’s unexpected, and there is zero shame in that. And she taught me that one of the noblest pursuits in the world is that of making people happy, especially the people you love.
Michael taught me that humans are complex, and sometimes they kind of suck, but they are still worth loving. He proved that people are not all good or all bad. He taught me that what matters is trying to be good and kind and honest and loving. He taught me not to give up on what I know is right. He taught me that it’s okay to change your mind when you learn new things, and that it’s more than okay to decide to do what’s right at any stage in the game. He taught me that people are worth believing in. He taught me that being wrong can be one of the most rewarding things in the world. And he taught me that the human life we have is a gift.
Together, these characters taught me that we are all capable of changing and improving. They taught me that it’s okay to be who you are, even if a lot of things change. You can still be loved for all of your little quirks and flaws and habits. You are worthy of being loved even if you aren’t the best version of you yet. And they taught me that we can all get there eventually. More than anything, they taught me that the love we have for each other, the bonds we build with the people in our lives, the friends, the family, the significant others, everyone, is what makes us human and what makes us whole. It drives us to be better and to make others happy. It supports us and holds us as we grow together.
So I just want to say thank you. To Michael Shur for creating this show and its characters. To the writers for making me fall in love with these people and stories. To Kristen Bell and Ted Danson and William Jackson Harper and Jameela Jamil and Manny Jacinto and D’Arcy Carden for bringing these characters to life and making them into people that I will never be able to let go of. To anyone involved with this beautiful show that I have enjoyed through the very end. Thank you for giving me a reason to laugh, cry, contemplate, and feel content with a show that was groundbreaking and stunning and hilarious and heartwarming with thousands of good moments and a perfect ending. These characters will always be a part of my heart, and I will always try to be a little better tomorrow than I was today because of them. Thank you, and goodbye to new episodes. I have a feeling I’ll be watching all the ones which are now old time and time again.
#the good place#tgp#eleanor shellstrop#chidi anagonye#michael#tahani al jamil#jason mendoza#janet#kristen bell#ted danson#william jackson harper#jameela jamil#manny jacinto#d'arcy carden#michael shur#goodbye good place
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Onto 11x06. I’d forgotten just how saturated S11 was with the sex abuse illustrations/mirrors around Amara, despite writing a whole ass meta on the subject. They really should have traded some of these mirrors for Amara speaking her truth. Honestly this is just as tough to watch as the S9 season long rape metaphor. I honestly don’t miss Carver era and all the allegory at all. Anyway. Cas staying in the bunker watching tv and terrified to leave hit me harder than I remember (with bonus 10x22 flashback, something I’m trying never to rewatch). His trauma mainly focuses on his relationship with Dean, the violence around them, while there’s only one thought to how he continues to let Heaven down by killing his kind to protect the Winchesters. It’s a reflection on what he’s done and what he’s gotten in return. There’s a lot of honesty here, a paralyzing exchange of violence, something that permeates everything in Cas’ life, what he gives and what is given, something he can’t escape from. Having a supporting, gentle and loving relationship with anyone is beyond him, no matter what he does. And he blames Metatron for a good portion of this, which I feel is part why he can finally leave once he gets a lead on him.
At this point, Cas has made his choice about where he belongs and without putting it into the words of S12, here we see just how desperate Cas is to bring Dean wins, to start tipping the scales against a relationship coated in violence and into one that maybe also including tenderness, warm love, something to make everything feel worthwhile. We’ll later see how this directly leads into Cas’ S12 crisis and his decision to protect Jack, then later, the tragedy of Jack being unable to love Cas because of his loss of soul and how Cas loses his new hope at a relationship not so haunted by long years of violence, a confession Jack gives Cas in 14x20. For now tho, Cas is hopelessly coping with the reality of his situation, which leads easily into his choice to say YES to Lucifer several episodes from now. Wrapped in possession Castiel can avoid his reality much more easily.
I wish there was more to say on Sam here but the only S11 storyline he really has in the beginning is him being used as a means to refocus the show’s morality lens. Exorcisms come back, a focus on saving the meatsuit, or more specifically, the meatsuit’s soul. This follows through on Amara’s infections and demonic possession alike. There’s a real focus back to “saving people”. You can really see how desperate Carver era is to try and make the Winchesters back into heroes of strangers, instead of people that sacrifice/lose their closest friends to every effort to save one another. S11 draws a line. Cas gets heavy focus for this (as a person severely effected by association with the Winchesters and their issues), as he says YES to Lucifer to avoid his own pain, of course, but textually he does it to stop Amara first and foremost. Amara is something that was brought about directly by Dean when he decided to take the MOC without warning labels and everything around that decision came about through Dean’s inability to be alone.
There’s a lot I don’t like about Carver era, but I do like how organic and intricate all these interpersonal relationships are: how Dean and Sam’s relationship effects Dean and Cas’ and so on and so forth. There’s no real disconnect in the showrunning switch but the shift of values (along with the viewing lens) is as clear as night and day. Where Carver era sought to destroy, Dabb era opts to built. It never manages not to honor the characters it still must sacrifice in the name of these two core relationships that make up the majority of the show’s structural storytelling effort. Just look at how Rowena deals with Crowley’s death upon his departure or how Mary’s death prompts the changing of such an iconic image, MW carved alongside Sam and Dean’s initials on the bunker table. Carver era never honored death in such a way, opting more often than not to just allow for man pain and little else. That much is painfully, painfully obvious just from rewatching these few episodes after so many years.
In this same style complaint vein, in this episode Dean warns Cas about binge watching shows such as Game of Thrones and The Wire. It’s funny these are the two shows mentioned by episode writer Bob Berens. Following the fan hated exit of Game of Thrones this year this editorial piece was written highlighting just where GOT went wrong in the structural shift of being a sociological narrative into a psychological one and it was probably my favorite piece written following the show’s exit. Equally interesting was Beren’s social media comments on how GOT and SPN are inherently very different shows on almost every level. Sociological narratives require a show to focus on plot (a world) over character, with favs easily and frequently replaced. Obviously this doesn’t work with the general model of fandom, even though sociological narratives can have strong fan followings. The Walking Dead is experiencing a similar (fandom) decline in viewerships as favs are departing, the show’s delve into the sociological being compounded and continuous (but not always by first choice design).
Fandom functions on the psychological love of certain characters for maximum show support longevity. In Carver era the show slowly began a quasi shift into the sociological, with the hunting cycle being blamed for a lot of pain. This is decidedly abstract. Dabb era brings the Winchester trauma dramatic focus back to individuals, namely John, Mary, Lucifer, and God, pulling the narrative out of the dip into the sociological (world narrative) and back into the psychological (personal narrative) and GOOD LORD is it such a better story imo. So yeah. I find it funny that Dean warns against sociological narratives here, where characters are killed left and right with absolutely no regard and still the story moves on. It’s a storytelling method a two lead show can never hope to “””kinda””” utilize and Carver era looks stupid for even trying where it did. This is only an opinion I can have in retrospect.
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Quarantine + thoughts on Cohabitating and
TV Sharing (or not sharing)
Formally titled “Is my boyfriend a culture snob?”
I’m used to sharing space. I grew up in a household of 5 + 2 cats, + the occasional uncle or cousin or grandparent living with us every few years. My home was loud. It was frustrating. And it was crowded. 2 weeks from today marks a whole year of my boyfriend and I living together. I’m really proud of us. We’ve learn so much about each other during this time. It’s been intimate, and gross, and beautiful, and infuriating. So many things. Mostly good things. For context, Jonathan is an only child. No shade whatsover towards only children, we just grew up differently. Anyway, due to my years of experience with sharing, I imagined living with Jonathan would be so easy, natural, and uncomplicated. Lord knows I was naive! 😂 LOUD arguments. Tears. Embarrassment. The warmest hugs. The sweetest quiet moments in our living room. I think we challenge each other in the best ways.
Which bring me to today’s challenge. We have an ongoing debate about our taste in movies/TV probably once every 3 months. Some of these debates have gotten pretty heated in the past, mostly on my end. Admittedly it was hard not to raise my voice when I was feeling so defensive. The debates turned into unproductive arguments real fast. We’ve since learned to call it quits before it got disrespectful. This time I thought I’d write (or type) my thoughts and feelings about it. More therapeutic venting than a confrontational call out . After all, with this whole COVID-19 thing happening, we’re going to be spending a lot more time together in the apartment. Sharing the TV. So this morning, like most mornings, I called Jonathan during his commute to work. I mentioned in passing that Frozen 2 was on Disney+ and that I shared our password so my Goddaughter could enjoy it. He told me he didn’t care because it’s “my” Disney+ account and that he doesn’t really watch anything on it. Then he tells me, in his “I’m just joking” voice, that I have bad taste in movies. I took the bait, and inquired (again) about what makes his taste in movies is so superior... Direct Quote: “I watch the movies you’re suppose to watch”
Kind of a pretentious thing to say, but I allow it. To be honest I think his taste is rather average for a college educated 28 year old male but, to each their own. Jonathan’s movie tastes: Marvel and DC Movies, Mind bending movies like Inception, Interstellar, Dunkirk (basically most Christopher Nolan films), Schindler’s List, Daniel Craig bond movies, critically acclaimed documentaries...you get the idea? Cool. No problem. For me the rub is that he looks down on me and my preferences. At worst, he thinks I’m shallow.
At best he just thinks that I’m immature and need to be introduced to more films that access my deeper emotions or challenge my philosophies on life. Which I find really fascinating because he conveniently doesn’t keep that same energy about content quality when it comes to music, but that’s a conversation for another day lol
To be quite honest, prior to living together I felt no shame or embarrassment about my preferences in TV or movies. I still don’t, but I have realized that now that we share the TV, I mostly watch movies and shows on my phone or iPad, just to avoid the “teasing” that comes with watching anything he doesn’t want to watch in our living room. It’s just easier to enjoy my content from bed or while I’m cooking in the kitchen. Passive aggressive, yes, I know.
My taste: I’m a romantic. I love the classics, Carmen Jones, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Pride & Prejudice. Give me all the Julie Andrews, Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Molly Ringwald, Drew Barrymore, etc. Romantic dramas and corny Rom-Coms. The heart-wrenching and dramatic, the light-hearted and sexy. I love ‘em all. My list of favorites is long.
I’m also a proud Disney enthusiast. I could spend all day defending this because I have many reasons, but in short: Children’s movies are filled with lessons about how to be a better human being. After all, their main function is in teaching morals and respect. (Child Psych and Children’s Lit gave me a fresh perspective on this)
I also find re-watching my favorite movies or shows from when I was a kid relaxing. Did you know that Nostalgia has been shown to counteract loneliness, boredom, and anxiety?For some people it’s really powerful and FREE emotional support.
Another escape for me is......Reality TV.
Now before I go on, let me just say, I do have standards. I also think Reality TV has evolved over the years. Indeed, "reality TV" has become a shorthand for everything wrong with America: shallow, artificial, attention-craving phonies looking for their 15 minutes of fame. It’s not wrong, you DO have to weed through about 2 decades worth of trash to find the gold. But honestly I could write an entire thesis on how today we have some of the best unscripted television the world has ever seen. Unscripted Television that is smart and compelling, and both competing with and outperforming some really great scripted television too. Take a look at Discovery Channel and Netflix to name a few networks that are doing reality TV right. There are certainly levels.
I’m also not too proud to say, I enjoyed The Real World Austin, Flavor of Love, and I Love New York.
The social media interactions that come from discussing social experiment shows like “The Circle” and “Love is Blind” on Netflix are also so much fun. It’s so human. Again, light-hearted escapism, but I don’t think it’s a crime. Right?
There are also plenty of critically acclaimed, thoughtful, smart films and TV shows that I love. I just don’t want to watch them after a long days work. Or right before bed. Because energy transfers are a thing. All that being said, I don’t think this makes me an immature adult. Is my taste really that “trash”?
So yeah...these days the only way I get to enjoy watching movies and tv, free of verbal and non-verbal judgement, is by watching it alone.
I don’t even know if he notices. I DO know that he doesn’t ever mean to hurt my feelings. I wouldn’t even say that I’m hurt, I just wish he wouldn’t share his every thought and opinion WHILE I’m watching something I enjoy. It’s just rude. It’s really annoying + there are plenty of things he watches that I’m not interested in. Normally I just sit next to him and listen while he tries to sell me on whatever movie or show it is. Sometimes I enjoy it. He put me onto The Walking Dead. But sometimes I’m just not into it. I STILL sit on our couch, quietly curled up next to him, scrolling IG. That’s really all I want him to do. Just let me enjoy my things. But is that just me? Am I being too sensitive? Do I need a tougher skin? I’m a believer in the Kindergarten rule: “If you have nothing nice to say...” you know the rest. But like I said, maybe he’s clueless. Maybe I’ll share this with him and not post it at all.
And so, I really cherish the times when we find a show or movie that we both like/want to watch at the same time.
Maybe quarantine will be good for us.
#quarintine#covid19#covid2020#virgo#virgo zodiac#sensitive#it me#netflix#netflixandchill#blacklove#romance#personal shit
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Love; Weakness
Pairing: Jungkook x Reader
Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff, Slow Burn, Borderline Smut
Word Count: 22.7k
Summary: Jungkook’s dreams died years ago because he was told that he can’t love anything. But all of that is about to change during a coincidental meeting with you.
Warnings: I’m categorizing this as borderline smut because there is one rape scene involved, so be warned.
“Your portrayal of love is annoying”. Those are the words that Jungkook will never forget. It will linger with him for as long as he lives. Even if the years go by and he forgets the face of who said those words, those exact words will be the only thing that will ring true to him. Those words are what provides aid to him on his future endeavors for as long as he lives, and he vows that nothing should and will ever change that. Because to him, he is unable to satisfy his love for others.
It’s the middle of the night, and Jungkook is idly walking alone in a park devoid of life. His phone is ringing nonstop, and every time he checks the caller, it’s one of his hyungs. They are calling and texting him constantly, worried that he have done his usual habit of running off. But he puts his phone on silent, ignoring them in the meantime. For now, he just wants to be alone.
Far away from the eyes of city folks who can possibly identify him, Jungkook feels that it’s safer to take off his hood so he can get a better view of the stars. He sits down at the base of a small, green hill, resting his back against the cold, prickly grass. Normally, he would listen to music, but he isn’t in the mood to be reminded that he’s the face of Korea’s pop culture. Just thinking about music reminds him that he can’t escape his reputation of being an idol.
He wants to be alone—feel alone—to be reminded in this bare park walled by trees and fences that he isn’t an idol, but just another insignificant human. It may be insulting for him to say as there are millions of people who would want to be in his position, but once they actually learn how restricting it is to be an idol, then they’ll understand and want to escape this hell hole as much as he wants to.
His train of thought is broken by a disruption and an odd one at that. Initially, Jungkook heard footsteps at the top of the hill, but right after that, he can hear the sound of someone falling to the ground. The next thing he knows, he sees someone tumbling down the same hill he was just relaxing on, stopping right at the base of it, face down and unmoving. Since the lack of light in this area of the park isn’t helping him in identifying who it is that had just rolled down the hill, he debates whether he should run off in fear his identity might be discovered or to ask if that person is alright. After a short contemplation, he decides that it’s morally right to ask if that person is alright. It’s dark, so that person might not be able to see his face.
Jungkook gets up and approaches the person. Upon closer inspection, based on the figure, the person who fell is a girl, wearing what seems to be a large, black sweater with its hood over her head. She’s wearing basketball shorts and converse, and he thought that it’s a rather strange pair of clothes to be wearing, as he would normally assume that a girl would be wearing something more feminine, but then again, it is late into the night, and comfortable clothes are the best to wear at night.
“Hey, are you okay?” Jungkook asks as he leans forward, reaching his hand out.
“Yea, I’m fine.” You say as you rub the back of your head, raising your head up. Jungkook is surprised that despite you not looking Korean, you’re speaking in Korean. “I wasn’t watching where I was going and…”
You trail off as you gaze at Jungkook. You know immediately who is standing by your side, and based on your wide, shocked eyes, he knew that you know him. He curses under his breath as he pulls his hoodie over his head again.
“J-Jeon Ju-Jungkook…” You mutter quietly to yourself.
He knew it was a bad idea to help you. Because of this careless choice, his identity has been uncovered, and he can no longer return to this park, as you might expose his location to the media and desperately search for him the following days.
Without knowing what else to do, Jungkook stands up straight and turns around to leave when suddenly, you, still sitting on the ground, grab him by the sleeves of his sweater. “J-Jungkook! I...I…”
Your impulsive grab stops Jungkook from escaping. He sighs quietly, having to deal with yet another typical fan, most likely wanting to confess about how much she loves him and how he’s so drop-dead gorgeous. He curves his head down to hear what you have to say, but what he gets catches him off-guard. Instead of screaming, hyperventilating, or laughing, you’re crying. You’re biting the bottom of your lip, sniffing and hiccuping as you stare directly at Jungkook. He can feel your hands shaking as you hold onto the end of his sleeve.
“Jungkook...th-thank you so much. I…I...”
Jungkook gets impatient with you and rolls his eyes. He aggressively pulls his sleeve off of your grip. Seeing this sudden change from Jungkook, you’re shocked by what you see, but Jungkook doesn’t even bat an eye at you.
“Get off of me.”
Not expecting Jungkook to give you this sort of response, you’re staring blankly in front of you as it hits you that Jungkook told you to get off of him. A quick second later, you scoff, wiping the tears away from your eyes, which is not the kind of response Jungkook was expecting.
“Ah ha ha ha...I grabbed you without permission. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking, and I grabbed you-”
“I don’t care what you have to say. Just leave me alone.”
Never in another dimension would you have thought Jungkook would be this rude, especially since just moments ago, he was concerned for you. On television shows, he seemed so hilarious and charismatic, but the Jungkook that you see in front of you is not the same person. This Jungkook looks dead in the eyes, not a spec of the Jungkook that you know.
You move away from him, worried that you might’ve mistaken him for Jungkook (though, it is Jungkook). “Sorry, I should really get going now.”
You step away, then proceed to run off in the opposite direction of Jungkook. And just like that, you disappeared as quickly as you appeared. This can be considered as one of Jungkook’s weirdest encounters with a fan. You didn’t scream or didn’t ask for a photo. You thanked him, but he has no idea why. He’s never met you before, but then again, it’s not like he remembers every fan’s face. Feeling like this night is already strange enough, Jungkook decides that it’s best to head back. He doesn’t want the night to get any weirder than it should.
Jungkook accidentally steps on something flat and hard. He looks down to see that he’s stepped on a phone. He picks it up, not recognizing his phone as his, nor has he seen this phone before. He also doesn’t recall seeing it before he got here.
He turns on the phone, and he becomes disgusted to see that the lock screen wallpaper is his own selfie that he uploaded on Twitter a couple days ago. He is aware that fans do take his photos and use it on their own accord, whether it be using it as a wallpaper or converting it to a photo card and selling it for a quick pay, but just seeing it in front of him freaks him out. People he doesn’t know and will never meet use his face as their ‘avatar’ and it somewhat disturbs him.
It doesn’t take him that long to know that this is your phone, and you dropped it by accident. He isn’t sure what to do with it because it isn’t like you two are going to meet again. Still, it feels wrong to leave it on the ground for someone else to potentially steal it. For now, he decides to hold onto it, and he’ll wait for you to call it so you can pick it up.
------
It began with merely an innocent dream of becoming a singer. Jungkook auditioned for BigHit and got in, then he moved from Busan to Seoul, where he would be making his dream a reality. Even though their CEO wants them to focus on their music careers, he also understands the importance of an education. Jungkook was transferred to the School of Performing Arts in Seoul, into a world filled with idols, trainees, and wealthy students.
Jungkook felt intimidated by the various students who also has similar ambitions as him, but he tried to not let it deter him from his goal. Even though Jungkook couldn’t go to school every day, he made sure that during his past time, he would study so that he can use his free time to practice singing and dancing. All he wanted to do is to become famous.
It’s six in the morning, and Jungkook is sitting in the dressing room while the makeup artist pampers his face. He keeps staring at your phone, twisting it around to catch little glimpses of what kind of person you are. Your phone isn’t too poppy in terms of colors, since your phone cover is a simple black color, and the corners of your phone case have scratch marks or have been scraped off, indicating that you’ve dropped this phone dozens of times.
He turns on the phone, and he sees himself again. It’s a selfie that he took really late at night when he thought about how the other members complained to him for the lack of selfies he posted on their social media accounts. He thought that for tonight, he’d so this so it would suffice the thirst of his fans and stop the nagging from his hyungs. He didn’t think too much about it, not really thinking about how people will use it as their face for various other social platforms. Jungkook turns it off again, trying not to think about how creepy it feels for his face to be used for some stranger’s wallpaper.
To get it out of his mind, Jungkook sets the phone down on his lap and takes out his script. About a week ago, their director told them that they’re going to hold a huge project called Behind the Stage, where it’s a month-long filming project where BTS ‘supposedly’ shows the true side to themselves to their fans, which includes their daily schedules, practice hours, and showing their studios for the fifth or sixth time. For something as hypocritical as ‘showing the true side to BTS’, they have a script that limits them to what they have to say. Script does give them some freedom and let them talk freely, but there are some limitations, such as not showing some brands on screen or cursing.
Like many of their recordings, the production team included a set of missions for each member to accomplish before the end of the month, though they haven’t revealed it to them yet. Jungkook dislikes how in everything they do, they have to include a game. For once, he wants to go somewhere where they don’t have to constantly entertain the camera for their fans and just relax.
But besides that, the script is a broad standard of what their schedule will be like for the next month or so. He knows for sure that Jin will show off his two sugar gliders and Namjoon doing a breakdown of his lyrics, so it gives him time to think about what to show to the fans. Jungkook feels like he’s already shown enough of what he wants to show them, so he’s running out of ideas. Should he show the same thing he’s done in previous shows, or should he last minute think of a hobby he picked up but quickly dropped it?
“Jungkook, you have to be on set! Everyone else is waiting for you.” One of the staff members shouts from across the room.
“Okay.”
The makeup artist makes one last correction to his cheekbones, then Jungkook gets up, leaving the script on the table. He nearly forgot about your phone as it almost falls off his lap. He picks it up just in time before it can hit the ground. Jungkook debates whether he should bring it or leave it in the dressing room, but since phones aren’t even allowed on set, he thinks it’s better to leave it here.
------
On the filming set, Jungkook is with the six other members. Since there are finally no cameras on them, they can freely do whatever they want. Many of them are warming up their vocals, while a few others are getting their mics placed on their shirts.
Being the last one on the set, Jungkook has yet to have a mic on him. Normally, he would wait until someone would approach him and put on the mic, but since he’s a little late, the staffs are busy with everything else. It isn’t until the director notices Jungkook. He looks noticeably upset that Jungkook hasn’t been prepared yet.
“Can someone please get a mic on Jungkook??” The director sighs in frustration. “Hey intern! You’re not doing anything, so you do it!”
Jungkook stands idly by myself, hands in his pocket as he waits for the supposed intern to put a mic on him. A young girl runs to him, with the mic equipment in her hands. He pays no attention to her, but for some reason, the girl looks somewhat familiar. Her black sweater, her height, and even her natural scent. He looks down to see that the intern is you. He moves back a little, surprised to see you.
You smile awkwardly, unable to forget your embarrassing introduction with him. “Hi, Jungkook.”
He demands some answers. Why is his stalker here?? How did she get in?? He wants you out, but then he remembers the directing calling you an intern. What are the possibilities that someone who he met last night is the intern?!
“I won’t do anything. Let me put the mic on you, then I’ll leave you alone.” You whisper.
Jungkook raises an eyebrow, but he complies. If it means that you’ll leave him alone, then he’ll do what you say. He raises his chin up, clearing his throat as he finds this situation very uncomfortable. Every so often, he would glance down at you, and you don’t seem to be bothered by this situation.
Once you’re done, you let him know, and you walk off, hidden amongst the crowd of other staff members. He stares at the direction you walked into, curious to know who you are, but then, his train of thought is broken when the director insists that he hurries to the front of their camera to start the recording.
------
Just as it said in the script, each member must accomplish a mission by the end of the month. On the last day of the recording, they are to show their final result. For some of the members, they are rather easy: J-Hope having to cook meals for each member at least three times, Jin watching at least ten horror movies, and V coming up with a new choreography. All of these missions do not make sense, and it seems like some are meant for other members but got mixed up while they were choosing their month-long missions.
For Jungkook, his mission is to “compose a heartfelt song to the ARMYs without the help of the composers,” meaning that he has to write a song from scratch. His older brothers complain that their missions are difficult, but to him, his mission is the hardest. He has written lyrics and edited a few before, but he has never made one from scratch. Even when he did compose music, the producers usually have him revise it a million times, and the end result is still not what he envisioned it to be. In the words of RM, Jungkook doesn’t ‘put himself into the music.’
In the back room, Jungkook is heading back to the makeup table that he was at, and he sees that your phone is still on top of the table. He picks it up, gives it a good glance to double-check that it’s yours, then searches for you to return it. The recording took all day to do because they were doing a behind-the-scenes for their popular Vlive show, BTS Run. The producers gave them a list of games they had to accomplish by the end of the day, which is exhausting having to use all your energy just to try and be entertaining, but he still had to keep his smile up.
With it being late at night, Jungkook and everyone else still has to rehearse for their new song that has yet to be released. The staff is packing up to go home, so he looks for you, making sure that you haven’t gone home yet. He was about to ask the staff members for your location, but then he realized that he never got your name. Not wanting to look like an idiot, he refrained from asking staff members where you are.
He can’t find a trace of you in the building anywhere, so he’s worried that you might’ve gone home already. He curses under his breath, since you’re making it difficult for him to search for you. Since you’re not inside the building, Jungkook looks for you outside. He looks at the front of the building, and you’re not there either.
Jungkook was about to give up when he searches in the back area of the building, only to find you. You’re standing all alone in the center of a dirt field, staring up at the moon. You’re wearing your thick, black sweater, so your hoodie is over your head and your hands are in your pockets. Seeing this scenario, it looks tranquil, you looking up at the moon without a single movement. He almost doesn’t want to interrupt you, but he doesn’t want to be responsible for your phone anymore either.
“Hey.” He calls out to you.
You turn around, and you’re surprised that Jungkook is here. “Oh, good evening.”
Who the hell says ‘good evening’ nowadays? Whatever. Jungkook approaches you and takes out your phone. He shows it to you, and you’re shocked that he has your phone. That’s when you remember that you set Jungkook as your lock screen, so you quickly swipe your phone from him, cheeks blushed.
“I was looking for my phone everywhere. Where did you find it?” You hide your phone in your baggy sweater pocket.
“You dropped it back at the park.”
You’re feeling even more embarrassed having to be reminded of what happened that night. You wish you can re-introduce yourself to Jungkook again instead of that humiliating first introduction.
“So...care to explain everything?”
You look at him, a bit confused with what he means by that. “What do you mean?”
He sighs in frustration, calling you ‘stupid’ in his mind. “How you knew where I was last night, why and how you’re an intern, and why your lockscreen is a picture of me.”
Your face turns red when he mentions your lockscreen. You wish he hadn’t seen that, but it’s already too late. You brush your hair behind your ear, keeping your hoodie over your head to hide your flustered expression.
“I can answer the second question first. I’m an international student studying in film, and Mr. Lumpens was giving out internships, and I was the only one who got accepted.”
He never knew that Lumpens gave out internships, but then again, Jungkook is so busy with his job that he has no time to know what’s going on behind the scenes with the company. BigHit is holding auditions anyways so it would make sense if they’re also holding internships and job opportunities for the next generation as well.
“I started my internship last week, but you never noticed me. And...about last night, I saw you walking out of the building by yourself. I was kind of worried something might happen, so I followed you.”
Jungkook can’t think of anything other than to call you a: “Stalker.”
You make a small yelp under your breath, hoping he didn’t call you that, but he still did. You try to think of ways to redeem yourself, but nothing comes to mind. It feels like every time you meet Jungkook, you just embarrass yourself more and more.
“I have a question for you, Stalker.”
“Hm?”
“I thought my agency doesn’t hire fans, so how the hell did you get the internship?”
From what it seems from last night, you look like a huge fan of BTS, specifically a fan of him. You even have a wallpaper of him on your phone, so there’s no question that you’re not a fan of them.
You look down, trying to be careful with your next response, in case you don’t embarrass yourself again. “I’m not a fan of your band really...I mean, I am, but I’m more of a fan of your production.”
“My production?”
“Golden Closet Films.”
“Oh, you mean that.”
Golden Closet Films is nothing more than a hobby for him, so there’s no reason for you to be a ‘fan’ of his videos. He doesn’t do them because he wants to become a director in the future or anything, but only because he likes to film things that seem cinematic.
“I’m also a fan of Director Lumpens’s work as well. I love how detailed he is with everything he does, the way he establishes a setting in the beginning of his music videos, what kind of world he wants to introduce to the viewers, his use of front, middle, and background lighting. Oh! And also the usage of the eyeliner shot to switch perspectives from a third person to a first person is phenomenal. He doesn’t rely on the usage of dialogue, but more so on the behavior, expressions, and movements of the actors, A.K.A., you guys. He’s also super creative in putting so much information into one scene, especially since he’s limited to three to seven-minute long videos, it’s just so fascinating that I-” You abruptly stop yourself, realizing that you were fangirling over film techniques.
Rather than a fan of his work, you seem to be more of a fan for Lumpens. Why does it dishearten him to learn that your eyes gleam brighter when talking about Lumpens’s work rather than his? It isn’t like he was expecting you to like it, and if anything, he doesn’t want anything to do with you.
“But anyways, thank you for keeping my phone. It must’ve been extra weight that you had to carry.”
“Yea, it was extra weight, so you better appreciate it.”
You smile cheekily, tilting your head a bit childishly. “I should be going back, and you should too. Get some rest because tomorrow is going to be another early day.”
“I don’t need to fucking hear that from an intern!!”
You chuckle. “Okay, sorry.”
You walk away, but with your phone this time. Jungkook watches you walk away, and he curses under his breath. You never answered why you have a picture of Jungkook on your lockscreen. If you’re such a huge of Lumpens, then why is it him on the lockscreen, not of their director? Actually, it’ll be creepy if he thinks about you having a married man on your phone screen...
------
Debut wasn’t the easiest. Jungkook thought that after he and his hyungs debut, they would automatically become successful. But when their first music video came out, they merely got 10,000 views. That may seem like a lot to some people, but compared to other established bands, this is nothing. Jungkook thought that after all their hard work, people would acknowledge it and appreciate them. Unfortunately, in the eyes of the general audience, they can’t see it from their music video, and thus they were swept off of the platform.
That was the first time Jungkook ever doubted his future as a singer, and that’s when that feeling of being lonely really started to eat up Jungkook.
For this particular scene, it’s going to be filmed in their living room. Everyone is sitting in their positions, and the staff members who aren’t in charge of the sound, cameras, or any equipment in general are sitting on the floor, including you. Since you’re still an intern, Lumpens hasn’t given you any hands-on jobs yet. For now, you’re in charge of the extra jobs that others don’t have time to do.
Jungkook and the other members are sitting around the couch and chairs. Suga is introducing their activity for today, which isn’t all that different from your daily lives. After this, Suga, RM, and J-Hope will most likely hide in their studios and won’t come out for days. Jimin’s mission is to film a music video, so he most likely will be out all day looking for inspiration. Jin is going to a meeting to meet with their producer, and V will most likely be in the practice room.
Jungkook doesn’t know what he’s going to do. If anything, he’d like to go to the dance room with V or hang out with Jimin, but since they’ll be working on their missions, their director will most likely want him to do the same too.
In his bedroom, he’s trying to think of inspiration, but his mind draws to nothing. Jungkook taps the end of his pencil to at least start a beat, but still nothing. He groans in frustration as he messes with his hair. He stares at his camera, wondering when he has to start filming himself. He needs to at least get some footage of himself so that he has enough screen time on the second episode at least.
Right before he is about to press the record button on his camera, he hears a knock on his door. Jungkook sighs, not wanting to be interrupted. He gets up from his seat grudgingly to open the door. And at his door, he’s surprised to see you. When you make eye contact with him, you immediately look away from him, suddenly feeling bashful, but he’s in no mood to meet you.
“Hi, Jungkook. I heard that you’ll be working on your mission, so I just wanted to drop by and drop off some food,” You show him a lunchbox that you bought from the convenience store. “Sorry, I’m not a chef, so I just bought this from the store.”
“How the hell did you get in here?” Jungkook is sure that they made it clear that they didn’t want any of their staffs members anywhere beyond the living room.
You point your thumb to the living room. “V needed someone to help hold the camera while he tries to think of his choreograph. I had some time, so Mr. Lumpens finally gave me the opportunity to shoot something, so I had to take the opp-”
“I don’t need you to tell me the entire story, and I’m not hungry, so take the food away.”
“Oh, sorry,” You bow your head slightly as a way of apologizing. “Okay, I just wanted to let you know.”
You walk away from the door, and Jungkook closes it behind him. He can’t believe that you wasted your time offering him lunch when he could’ve been doing his work. Now that you’ve fully distracted him, Jungkook returns to his chair, clearing his throat so that he can start recording. He leans forward to his camera, pressing the recording button.
“Hello everyone, welcome to my room,” Jungkook begins his introduction. “I didn’t get the chance to clean my room before the recording, so sorry.”
He looks away from the camera, trying to think of other things to say. It’s been a while since he last did a recording in his bedroom, so he feels a little uncomfortable on screen. He spins around in his chair, trying to looks for some sort of inspiration to talk about. That’s when he lays his eyes on his keyboard, so he starts pressing a few keys.
“I’m currently working on the song that’s supposed to be done by the end of the month,” He stares at the corner of his ceiling, cocking his head as he whines a little. “It’s a little difficult starting from scratch. I wish I was like Suga hyung or RM hyung and write songs from the top of my head.”
Jungkook doesn’t even remember why he has a keyboard in his room, he barely knows how to play it. Occasionally he plays a key so when he records his cover songs, he can hit the right note, but that’s about it.
“I hope that by the end of the month, I will write a song that will ARMY really happy.” Jungkook says without even thinking.
“OH MY GOD!!!! YEONTAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!”
Suddenly, your voice from across the living room can be heard from Jungkook’s room. He jumps, not expecting you to scream, but soon after, he grunts with frustration. You ruined his recording, and he has to restart now. Jungkook wants you to have a piece of his mind, so he turns off his camera and barges out of his room.
He marches to the living room where he sees you and V. V has Yeontan by the leash, and you’re on your knees, just dying to hold him. Even from a distance, Jungkook can see your eyes glittering with glee.
“Can I hold him?!” You ask while feeling restless.
V is happy to see anyone excited to see Yeontan, so he gives you permission, taking him off the lease. You put Yeontan on your lap, unable to contain all this happiness in your chest. You pet him on his back and play with his tiny paws, laughing as he tries to lick your nose.
“He’s so cute! You’re so lucky to have a dog as cute as him.”
V crouches down, can’t get his eyes off of Yeontan as his dog plays around with you. “You don’t have any pets?”
“My apartment has a strict no-pets rule, but I do have a German shepard husky back home. Her name is Coco Ono, but we call her Coco for short.”
“Coco Ono?”
“Inspired by John Lennon’s wife, Yoko Ono. Every time my siblings and I watch her performances, Coco always howls with her. It’s really cute. Maybe I can show you a video of her one day.”
V already thinks that it’s cute just thinking about it. He already seems more interested in your dog than you. Yeontan jumps off of your lap, sensing that his owner is thinking about another dog. Feeling inferior, Yeontan stands by V’s leg, wiggling his tag.
You and V finally notice Jungkook, who’s standing at the end of the hallway. You two were so immersed in talking about dogs that you forgot that Jungkook was here too. You get up, cleaning your knees from any dust that was on the ground.
“Oh, Jungkook. I’m so sorry if we were disturbing you.”
“If you ever act unprofessional like this ever again, I’ll report this to Lumpens and have you fired.”
Hearing that threat from him, you feel like a stab to the chest. You can’t respond to him, looking down and feeling ashamed.
“Hey Jungkook, don’t talk to her like that. I was being loud, too, so apologize to her.”
But Jungkook doesn’t care about V’s order. He turns around and returns to his bedroom. He already said what needed to be said. From behind, he can hear V trying to comfort you, but you keep telling him that it’s alright. Soon after, you and V leave the dorm.
------
Jungkook has been stuck in his room all day, trying to write a good enough song. In total, he’s thought of ten different beats and twenty different melodies. Now he’s trying to figure out what fits with what. These only came to him from the top of his head, so he’s trying to fit the puzzle pieces together.
Since he’s been locked up in his room for hours, his stomach is feeling empty. His stomach wouldn’t be quiet about being hungry, and it would distract him from his work. Jungkook sighs, having to waste more time than he needs to, and heads to the kitchen.
They would normally have takeout, so Jungkook can just take something from the fridge and deal with his hyungs yelling at him for eating their food later. If not, he can always heat up some noodles, but he’s getting tired of eating that ten times a day too.
He leans down as he opens the fridge, scouring through the shelves for something to eat. That’s when he sees a familiar lunch tray sitting by itself in the corner. It looks like a full tray of food that hasn’t been touched, so he takes out and notices a sticky note on the lid. It reads:
Just in case you get hungry, Jungkook. - (Y/N)
When Jungkook read the name, he had no idea who it was, until he recognizes the tray. It’s the same tray that you bought for him earlier. He’s a little surprised that you left it in the fridge for him to eat, despite turning you away. You even wrote his name on it, as if you wanted him to eat it, no one else. In his mind, he calls you an idiot because you could’ve given it to V, but it isn’t like he hated that you left it for him.
While heating up the tray, he’s starting to feel bad about what he said to you—threatening to have you fired. He was just irritated because your voice was really loud, and that was the first thing that came to mind. He rubs his hand all over his face in frustration. Why did he have to say that to you?
The microwave beeps once the time limit hit 0:00, and he takes out the warm plate of food. He sets it down on the counter to let it cool down. Next to the tray is the lid with the sticky note still intact. He reads the sticky note again, studying your handwriting, then his eyes trace down to your name.
“...So her name is (Y/N)...”
------
After eating the food, he had this innate desire to go see you. He hopes that you’ll still be at their practice studio with V, and if not, he just made himself look like an idiot for going there for nothing.
While standing in front of their studio, Jungkook sighs, as he doesn’t know what to say when he sees you. V might be there, so it’s a little embarrassing having to say thank you whenever his hyungs are around. He knows that he will never hear the end of it from V, and he’ll tell the other members too. Regardless, he made the trek here, so might as well check now.
Thankfully, you’re still in the practice studio, and V and Yeontan are still there too. Jungkook looks through the window on the door, spying on you two. Instead of dancing, V and Yeontan are sitting on the floor, playing with each other. V doesn’t say a word, but you can tell from his expression that he’s feeling the utmost happiness.
Jungkook sees that your mouth is moving. When he looks closely at you, you’re holding your phone in your hands, facing the camera at V, as if you’re recording him. Curious about what you two are talking about, he opens the door slightly to eavesdrop.
“I think Tannie knows when I’m feeling sad, even when I’m hiding it. I’m really bad at expressing how I feel, and sometimes it rubs off to other people in the wrong way. Even with Tan, I’m not good at expressing how I feel, but with just one look on my face, he knows how I’m feeling, and I love him for that,” He giggles while Yeontan chases after his hand.
“But you and Yeontan don’t live together anymore. Does your love for him fade away the longer you two are apart?”
“Of course not. It only makes our bond stronger. We spent so much time together that it feels weird not to be with each other. So when we finally get to be together, we’ve never felt so happy.”
You can’t help but smile at V’s relationship with Yeontan. You tilt your head while staring at V and Yeontan playing with each other. Their relationship is definitely something to be jealous of. Fans already know how much V loves Yeontan, but not many see the behind the scenes where V expresses his genuine love for him. It’s hard seeing it from a computer screen, but if anyone were to be in the same room as Yeontan and V, you can see the look in V’s eyes that he truly cherishes Yeontan.
Jungkook interrupts the moment by cracking the door open a bit more. You and V are alerted by Jungkook’s appearance, and Yeontan runs towards Jungkook, nibbling on the ends of his shoe. Jungkook crouches down and pets Yeontan on the head.
“What are you doing here, Jungkook? I thought you were working on your song.”
“I needed some fresh air.”
“By coming here?”
Jungkook doesn’t answer back. You stop the recording on your phone, then you get on your feet, since you got what you needed. You put on one strap of your backpack, checking the time on your phone.
“I’m going to be heading back home. Thank you again, V, for letting me interview you.”
“Ah, it’s no problem. And thank you too for helping me with recording the choreograph all day too.”
Still wearing that huge jacket, you pull the hoodie over your head, since the night outside is fairly cold. You walk to the door, acknowledging Jungkook and saying farewell to Yeontan, and head out. Jungkook is a bit confused, looking at V, then back at you.
Yeontan runs back to V, and V plays with him. Jungkook looks annoyed for some reason. V senses the vibe from Jungkook and finally looks up from his dog.
“What’s wrong, Jungkook?”
“Are you just going to let her walk back home on her own?”
“What?”
Jungkook sighs in frustration. “It’s midnight, and you’re going to let a girl walk home alone?? Some weird guy might approach her and force her into his car!”
V doesn’t understand why Jungkook is getting so upset about this. Since when did Jungkook care about you so much? If he remembers earlier today, Jungkook acted like he hated your presence.
Seeing as V looks like he won’t answer, Jungkook groans in frustration. “Are any of our managers still here?”
“Manager Sejin is still here. Why?”
“I’m going to borrow one of the company’s car.” Jungkook runs across the hallway to look for their manager.
“Wait! Why??”
But Jungkook is gone as fast as the speed of lightning. V decides not to call after him, assuming that Jungkook is going to take you back home. V wonders if Jungkook understands the irony of his concern that you might get into some stranger’s car when Jungkook is pretty much a stranger to you, and he’s going to force you to get into the car.
It’s been awhile since the last time Jungkook showed concern for a staff member. Usually, he would be polite only because he doesn’t want to look bad when his hyungs do it. It’s nice to see something fresh in Jungkook’s eyes.
------
You’re walking alone, hands in your sweater pockets while staring up at the starry night. The night looks so beautiful; it makes you not want to look down. Since it’s midnight, there’s not that many people wandering the streets, but you’re fine with that. Sometimes, you have your moments when you like to be left alone to your own thoughts.
You wonder if it seemed like you didn’t want to be in the same room as Jungkook earlier. When he just got to the practice room, you stood up and left. You hope he didn’t see it as that. You just so happened to finish recording V, and you were planning to leave regardless. Jungkook already hates you as it is, and you feel like you’re just making it worse.
While lost in your own thoughts, you see a bright light shining from behind you, hearing the sound of an engine running. You automatically think that it’s a car, but you pay no attention to it. However, when the car slows down next to you, that’s when it starts to concern you. You increase your walking speed, trying to beat the pace of the car.
The driver opens the window, revealing it to be Jungkook. “Hey stalker, slow the fuck down!”
You pull down your hoodie, surprised to see him. Rather, you’re even more surprised to see Jungkook driving. “Jungkook?? What are you doing?”
“Shut up and get in the car.”
“Why?”
“Just get the hell in!”
“U-uhm, okay.”
Jungkook stops the car so that you can get in. You hop into the passenger seat, seat belting yourself. You rest your backpack on your stomach, hugging it close to you. You feel a bit awkward, not knowing what to do since this is so sudden. You knew that Jungkook has a driver’s license, but you never pictured being in the same car as him.
“Geez, you’re so annoying.”
Usually, you’d let Jungkook hammer you with insults, but this time you didn’t do anything, so that insult irked you a little. “Wait, what did I do??”
“Do you not have any common sense?? Everyone knows that it’s dangerous to be walking alone at night. It’s even more annoying that V hyung didn’t have any common sense to take you home either.” Jungkook rolls his eyes.
Though that was meant to offend you, you can’t help but blush a little. Underneath all those mean words, Jungkook was worried about you, so he came to pick you up. You clutch onto your backpack tighter, hoping that Jungkook doesn’t see how embarrassed you look right now.
“Did you drive your car here?”
Jungkook looks at you, eyebrow raised. “How stupid are you? This is the company’s car. I don’t have time to even drive, so I don’t have a car.”
“Oh, sorry.” He didn’t have to call you stupid though. Your head perks up, something hitting you just now. “Wait a minute, then how did you get to the studio?”
“Walk. How else?”
“But didn’t you say that it’s dangerous to be walking around this late at night alone? Like, it’s common sense to not be walking alone.” You’re not saying this because you’re trying to mock him for harking you on that, but you genuinely want to know why he did something so dangerous.
Realizing how hypocritical he sounds for even saying that in the first place, Jungkook blushes. Thankfully, you aren’t making fun of him for not abiding by his words, or even giving him backlash that he called you stupid, even though he’s the bigger idiot.
“But you’re a girl, so you’re prone to being in danger.”
“But you’re an international celebrity. Wouldn’t that expose you to more danger?”
Why do you always know a way to make Jungkook feel tongue-tied? He opens his mouth to say something, but he’s quick to close it when he realizes that he has nothing to say back to you.
Seeing how he won’t answer back to you, you sit back, hugging your backpack once more. “Well...as long as you weren’t put in danger. Besides, I think...you’re kinda cool...for picking me up even though you didn’t have to. So thank you.”
Jungkook turns to you, and although he can’t exactly see your face, he can tell that you’re trying to hide your face behind your backpack. Your face must be flushed with red. Hearing you compliment him and imagining how red your cheeks are almost makes Jungkook want to pull down your backpack to see your blushing face. He’s curious to know how your flustered expression looks like.
Immediately, he slaps that thought out of his head. Why would be want to see your face? You don’t wear makeup and you definitely do not have body of a model. You’re nowhere near his ideal type, and you have no sense of fashion. You’re also socially awkward, and your foreign accent makes it so obvious that you’re not Korean.
...And yet, his heart still tugs just thinking about how cute your face must look right now. He kept thinking about that so much that he forgot to thank you for the meal you left for him.
------
Jungkook’s classmates are always talking about their math teacher, Ms. Kang. She’s fresh out of college, and she’s drop-dead gorgeous. The male classmates are always hovering around her, and the female students always glare at her with envy. Jungkook, on the other hand, is more focused on training hard so that he and his hyungs can become successful.
“How can you not fall for Ms. Kang??! I would kiss her foot if it means to be with her!”
“Kissing her foot is even a blessing itself.”
Jungkook can see why she attracts so many students to her, but he isn’t interested in her. If anything, she’s too old for him. As of right now, he has no interest in dating or girls in that manner. All he wants to do is work.
“I don’t know. I think she’s really pretty...but I wouldn’t kiss up to her.” Jungkook answers.
“What?! Well, makes sense. You’re like the purest boy we know, which is so weird. At this age, every girl is a possibility for boys. And you claim you’ve never had your first love yet.”
“It’s true!” As much as Jungkook hates to admit it, it really is true. “And I’m not really in the mood for dating right now. I just want to focus on practicing.”
“Whatever you say, goody two-shoes.”
It does make Jungkook wonder though...How do you know if someone is in love with you? He’s never experienced it himself, so he wouldn’t know.
“How do you know if you’re in love?”
“Well, my friend, I think the purest kind of love is when that person notices the small things that others won’t notice. It could be the tiniest of details, and it’s because they’re always looking at your direction. Now, that is when you know you’re in love.”
However, unbeknownst to them, Ms. Kang was already in the classroom. She must’ve heard Jungkook’s conversation with his two classmates because she keeps eyeing them. Thinking that they might get in trouble, they turn away from each other, pretending to be well-behaved students. But Ms. Kang doesn’t say or do anything.
She just keeps staring.
“No...this isn’t right,” Pdogg says.
“But I did what you said last time. What’s wrong with it now?” Jungkook insists on knowing.
In Pdogg’s studio room, Jungkook is sitting across from him. He has just listened to Jungkook’s latest song he created for the show. For the past few days, Jungkook has been giving Pdogg a few of his drafts to see if any of them are acceptable enough to be published during the filming of Behind the Stage. So far Pdogg has turned down every one of his works.
“You’re just regurgitating everything I tell you to do.”
“Isn’t that what you want me to do?”
“No, it’s not. I tell you so that you can create it yourself. If you just copy everything I say, then it’s pretty much a song that I wrote, not you.”
The fans don’t have to know that Pdogg wrote it. Just write it and Jungkook will just plaster his name over it. That way, it’ll just make his life a lot easier. Jungkook wishes he can do that, but the agency is very big on crediting the artist, so that option is impossible.
“Look, your song isn’t bad, but it sounds no different than a generic song played on the radio. A song won’t hit you naturally if you write it just because you have to. Give it some time, you’ll be inspired by something.” He unplugs Jungkook’s USB drive that contained his song and returns it to Jungkook.
Jungkook looks dumbfounded. He did exactly what Pdogg told him to do. How is he still not accepting it? Jungkook wants to get angry at him, but knowing their age difference and having to show respect to him, Jungkook simply thanks him for the advice and exits his studio.
Jungkook sighs, feeling anxious about when that time for his ‘inspiration’ is supposed to show up. He’s worried that his inspiration will come too late, or never come at all. From what it seems, the other members’ missions are flowing very well, as if Jungkook is the only one struggling. They have another shoot to film in a couple of hours, so he has to go to that soon. From what it seems, it looks have he’ll have no time to edit his work tonight.
Jungkook walks across the hall when he hears a familiar voice from the hallway. He peeks his head from the corner and sees their CEO, Bang Sihyuk, talking to an unfamiliar woman. Though Jungkook has never seen the woman before, he can definitely tell that she is beautiful. Her long black hair, pale skin complimenting her red lipstick, and that smile that shows all of her white, straight teeth. Any guy would fall for a woman like her.
But to Jungkook, she looks like any other woman.
The woman notices Jungkook staring at them, and he flinches when he gets caught. Now that he’s been caught staring, he wants to run away, but it’s too late when Mr. Bang notices him too.
“Oh, Jungkook! I didn’t know you were here! It feels so long since I last saw you.” Mr. Bang smiles, excited to see Jungkook.
Jungkook forces a fake and uncomfortable smile as Mr. Bang shakes his hand. It really has been a while since he last saw Mr. Bang; he looks like he lost some weight. Mr. Bang steps aside so Jungkook can see who this woman he’s been talking to.
“This is Sue Chin, and she’s the new head of the casting department.”
“Hello, Jeon Jungkook. I hear a lot of good things about BTS, and it’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Hello.”
“Ms. Chin here is a UCLA graduate, and she has her own experience in the performing arts. It’s been really stressful handling the third Hit It audition, so she’s been helping us. I can definitely tell you that she’s been helpful, alright.”
Sue laughs, looking down as if she’s flattered. “Oh, I didn’t do much.”
Jungkook can tell that Mr. Bang has definitely fallen for her beauty with the way he looks at her. Jungkook looks unimpressed as Mr. Bang continues to shower her with compliments, while Sue pretends to be happy with the flattery.
But what disturbs Jungkook a bit is that while Mr. Bang is complimenting her, Sue’s eyes do not leave Jungkook whatsoever. Occasionally, she’ll look down and smile timidly, but she always looks up at Jungkook. It’s as if she’s already become infatuated with him.
She just keeps staring.
Jungkook feels his chest tightening, and his heart thumping really hard—as if he’s experiencing deja vu at this moment. All he wants now is to leave.
“I have work to do, so it was cool seeing you again, Mr. Bang.”
“Okay, I’ll see you soon, Jungkook! Keep working hard.”
Jungkook waves goodbye to Mr. Bang, flashing a quick smile before leaving. He finally feels like he can breathe again after leaving that room. He didn’t like the vibe that the Sue person was giving, even though he knows nothing about her. Just something about her feels so...familiar. He doesn’t want to think about it for now, and scurries further away from that hall.
In another section of the building, Jungkook sees you from a distance. What’s strange is that you’re pacing back and forth in front of Suga’s Genius Lab. He wants to know why you’re standing in front of Suga’s studio, looking conflicted.
Jungkook decides to approach you without a second thought. “Hey Stalker, are you spying on other people now?”
Your head perks up, and but then your eyes look down, still looking troubled. “Oh, good afternoon, Jungkook.”
“What the hell are you doing here?”
You’re blushing slightly, a bit embarrassed to tell him why you’re here in the first place. “Uhm, nothing too special. What about you?”
“What I’m doing here has nothing to do with you. Don’t brush off my question.”
“...It’s kind of embarrass-”
“Tell me.”
“I want to ask Suga if I can record him playing the piano.”
What? “What the hell? Why?”
You knew his reaction would be exactly that. “I know it’s really weird to ask him, especially since I’m in no position because I’m just an intern, but I really want to record him playing the piano. It’s okay though...Actually when I think about it, it’s a really dumb question.”
You didn’t even try, and you’re already defeated. Jungkook creases his eyebrows, not enjoying that expression you have on your face right now. He can already tell that you’re the type to chicken out real quick, and he hates to see that.
Without even asking, Jungkook rings Suga’s doorbell, and you look frantic, unable to believe that he just did that. “Wh-what are you doing?”
Jungkook doesn’t answer you and waits for Suga to open the door. He knows the passcode to his studio, but it feels like it’s more polite to ask him before entering. Suga doesn’t answer the door immediately, assuming that he might have his headphones on and blasting music in his eardrums.
Jungkook rings the doorbell a second time, and after a few seconds, Suga finally opens the door. He opens just a little, but not enough where you two can fit in. Without the usual makeup, Suga’s eye bags look really obvious, as if he hasn’t slept for weeks. His hair is a mess, and he looks has he hasn’t see daylight in days. Judging by how he opened the door without flashing a smile or even a greeting, he’s probably grouchy.
Unphased by his intimidating looks, Jungkook points his thumb to you. “She wants to record you playing the piano.”
However, instead of answering, Suga stares at you, making you feel nervous. Unfortunately, Suga doesn’t bother saying a word and just closes the door on you two. You’re disappointed that he didn’t comply, but then again, you somewhat expected it. Jungkook already knew that Suga was going to decline, but he still wanted to give it a try.
Jungkook looks from the corner of his eyes and sees how bothered you are by Suga’s rejection. There’s a mix of emotions that he’s feeling right now. He doesn’t like seeing your disappointed face, but he also didn’t like how Suga just rejected her straight-up. What’s with it with his hyungs and not treating you properly? ...If I were them, I’d take care of yo- Jungkook cuts himself off, making him embarrassed that he even thought of that.
Jungkook rustles with your hair, and you jumped, not expecting him to touch you like that so suddenly. “You know, you’re always ugly, but you’re uglier when you look distressed.”
You aren’t quite sure whether he’s trying to insult you or cheer you up. It sounds like a mixture of both.
“Suga hyung is always pushing people away like that whenever he’s in the middle of composing music. I’m pretty sure once he’s done, he’ll give you the chance to record him.”
Now you know that Jungkook’s just trying to cheer you up. You smile, feeling the temperature of your cheeks rising. Jungkook sees how you’ve brightened up, and he feels something in his chest. It’s not the same feeling he had when he met Sue. He doesn’t feel disgusted when he sees you smile, but he feels...giddy?
“Okay, I’ll take note of that.”
------
In the lobby on the second floor of the building, you’re sitting on a chair, and Jungkook returns from the vending machine with two drinks. One is a Cola for himself, and another is a fizzy orange juice. Since you’re spacing out, he tries to get your attention by putting the cold drink to your cheek.
“Eep!” You yelp.
Jungkook wants to laugh at your reaction, but he tries to contain it. He shows you the drink he bought for you, and you take it, a bit confused why he’s giving it to you in the first place.
“You didn’t have to buy me something…”
“But I already wasted my money on it, so take it.”
“O-oh, okay. I’ll pay you back.”
Jungkook glares at you. “I didn’t give this to you so that you owe me a favor.”
“Okay…”
Jungkook pops open his soda, taking a huge gulp of it. Meanwhile, you haven’t opened yours yet. You’re just spacing out.
“Why did you need to record Suga hyung?”
“Hm?”
“It was the same for V hyung that night too. You were recording him on your phone. Did it have something to do with the Behind the Stage show?”
“Oh, no. It’s just a personal thing I’m working on.”
Jungkook raises an eyebrow, needing more information.
“It’s...a project I’m working on.”
“Which is…??” Jungkook keeps trying to press forward.
“Uhm...it’s a bit embarrassing.”
Jungkook groans and twirls his head in frustration. “Stop saying that it’s embarrassing and just tell me.”
“Okay…” You laugh nervously. “Uhm...I’m working on a project I call ‘Love; Weakness.’”
“Love Weakness?”
“Yea. ‘Love’, semicolon, ‘Weakness.’”
Jungkook still looks confused. Seeing as he doesn’t understand, you can already feeling yourself cringing at your own title. Saying it out loud sounds dumber than reading it on paper.
“I don’t know if you know this, but if you search up the word ‘love’ in the thesaurus website, one of the synonyms for it is the word ‘weakness.’”
Really? Jungkook didn’t know, and what are you doing on the thesaurus website too?
“It’s not a direct synonym, but I still thought it was fairly strange that weakness is one of the synonyms for love. When I click on the link to the synonyms for weakness, another word that stood out for me is the word ‘vulnerability.’”
You lean back, circling your index finger around the ring of the soda can.
“So I thought, ‘is this website trying to tell me that feeling love is a sign of weakness?’ I didn’t think that was right.”
Weakness is a synonym for love? When Jungkook thinks about it, it is true. He thinks that being in love with someone or something is rather weak. You end up becoming desperate for their love, and you feel like you can’t live without them. You expose your vulnerable side to them, and they can use that to their advantage. Jungkook finds that unnecessary and gets in the way with work.
“But while looking through more words that fall under weakness, there was another word, ‘fondness.’”
Jungkook is alerted by this.
“And that’s when it hit me: love doesn’t necessarily mean that you are weak, but weak for what makes you love it, hence a ‘fondness’ for it. You build a relationship through that bond, making it more firm as time goes on. You may fall weak to Yeontan’s cuteness, but your fondness for him makes your relationship stronger. That’s what I’m trying to get out of this project.”
It makes sense why you were recording Yeontan and V playing around, even possibly interviewing him. You were trying to get a snippet of V’s bond with his pet.
“That’s also why I wanted to record Suga playing the piano. There’s something about his lack of expression that shows...an array or expressions when he plays the piano. Does that make sense? You can see from the movements of his fingertips and that complete focus on only the piano keys that he truly loves music.” You smile just imagining that. “But if he doesn’t want to show it, then it’s fine. After all, I’m just a student, and he’s a professional musician.”
You stand up. Putting the can of soda in your large sweater pocket. You give Jungkook a smile as you check the time on your phone. When he gets a quick glance of your lockscreen, he sees that you still haven’t changed your wallpaper; it’s still a selfie of Jungkook.
“I have to go now. One of the staffs is having me help with the sound editing team. Well, mostly just serving them drinks and watching what they’re doing. I won’t be on set this time.”
There’s this sense of displeasure when Jungkook heard that. You’ve been on set since day one, but now you won’t be there. It isn’t like you two even talk on set, and if anything, Jungkook intentionally ignores you. But having you not actually be there makes him feel...empty.
Even after you’re gone from the room, it leaves Jungkook thinking about what you just said. ‘Being weak to love doesn’t mean showing your vulnerable side, but how fond you are with it,’ you tell him. As strong of an opinion you have with that, Jungkook can’t help but disagree with you. There is a reason why ‘vulnerability’ is under the same category as ‘weakness’ in the first place.
------
No matter how much Jungkook studies, he just doesn’t quite understand. Why is it that Jungkook is always failing his math tests? He made sure that he asked his hyungs, the tutors, everyone to help him with math. He did every step that everyone told him to do, and when he thinks he’s finally confident, he fails a test.
“Hey, can I see your test score too?” Jungkook leans over to a fellow classmate.
“What? No! What are you trying to do, show off that you got a better score??”
“No! I failed my test. I just want to check our answers.”
His classmate still doesn’t seem convinced by that. But still, his classmate gives him his test paper, and Jungkook looks at every question. There were a few that they both got wrong, a few others where they were both right.
However, one pattern he spotted that was quite odd is that even for the ones that Jungkook got right, Ms. Kang marked them as wrong. Majority of the answers that were marked as incorrect are actually right. Jungkook keeps looking back and forth between his paper and his classmate’s paper. She marked only the incorrect ones for him.
“That’s odd. Ms. Kang even took off points for the ones I got right.”
“Whoa, really?”
Jungkook is annoyed by this. He asks for his classmate’s previous test papers so he can compare. Just like the most recent test, Ms. Kang marked many of his math problems as wrong, even though he got them right. However, she doesn’t make a single mistake for his classmate’s paper.
“That’s really weird. Maybe it’s because she’s still new that she’s making all these mistakes.”
Jungkook doesn’t find that as a reliable excuse. She went to college for a reason, so she should learn at least the basics of high school math.
“Maybe you gotta talk to her about this.”
“Yea, I will, but not anytime soon because we’re going to shoot another music video right after school.”
“Ohhh!! That’s right, Mr. Jeon-I’m-starting-to-become-popular-Jungkook! How does it feel finally getting some recognition?”
“It’s good...but I honestly don’t feel any different.”
“What are you talking about? You got thousands of girls fawning for you now! Geez, I think any guy would want to be in your position.”
His classmate says that, but Jungkook doesn't see his fans in that light. Jungkook truly appreciates all of the fans that care and support them. He would never hook up with a fan; he’d like to take the time to sit down and get to know them. He loves all of his fans.
“Anyways, you gotta get that checked man before you fail. Plus, you get some quality time with Ms. Kang.” his classmate nudges his arm.
Jungkook walks out of his bedroom like a zombie, barely picking up his feet. He can feel his exhaustion creeping up to him after staying up all night composing the song. In the living room, he sees you, Jimin, and V are together, hanging out. V asked you again to help him film for his choreograph and has asked Jimin for help about dancing. In exchange, Jimin is asking V for advice on camera work, since he has to make a music video. He could ask Jungkook for advice, but lately, Jungkook has been busy with his own mission, so he doesn’t want to bother him.
When you see Jungkook heading to the kitchen, your face brightens up. “Oh! Good morning, Jungkook!”
You wave your arm to Jungkook, but he doesn’t wave back. He’s too tired that he doesn’t even have the energy to raise his hand. Also, when did you become close to Jimin and V? It isn’t unusual for Jimin and V to become close with the staff, regardless if they’re male or female, but why you? You’re still an intern. Jungkook doesn't know why, but he doesn’t like seeing you with them.
“Ohhhh, Jungkook! You look very dead, and it’s just the morning.” Jimin teases Jungkook.
But Jungkook isn’t in the mood to answer. He simply nods to Jimin’s remarks. While Jimin and V are used to seeing Jungkook looking this exhausted, they don’t pay much attention and continue their conversation about dancing and cameras. You, on the other hand, are concerned about him.
“Jungkook? Are you okay? Do you need some coffee?” You asked in a worried tone.
Jungkook ignores you, then drags his feet back to his bedroom after grabbing a can of Cola. He closes the door behind him, and you’re left unanswered.
“It’s okay, leave him be. He gets like that when he’s stressed.”
“It’s better not to talk to him when he’s in that mood. His anger gets to him sometimes.” V added.
Although Jimin and V warned you, you still can’t help but be concerned. You’re aware that being an idol takes up a person’s life, but this is the first time you’re seeing it. At least, you’d like to know if Jungkook is alright.
------
Jungkook can feel his eyes becoming heavy. He gulped down the entire can of soda, but the caffeine isn’t helping him stay up. He’s sitting in front of his computer, stumped on writing his song, but also struggling to stay focused. He keeps blinking, and it becomes more difficult for him to keep his eyes open. He leans back in his chair, rubbing his hands up and down his face to wake himself up.
Even though he closed the door, he can hear your voice, along with Jimin’s and V’s. His hyungs’ voices are the loudest, while you talk in a more calming voice. He wants to know what you three are talking about. Though the wall muzzles your voice, Jungkook can still hear it, and it’s somewhat soothing.
Even though Jungkook always sounds angry with you, you never once raised your voice. You always spoke in that calm tone. If he can remember, the last time you raised your voice was his first encounter with you. You weren’t mad at him or anything, but rather, you were surprised to see him. Instead of getting angry, you thanked him, but he doesn’t know why you thanked him. He never met you before, so what did he do to deserve that thanks?
When he looks at his past conversations with you, you’re alway thanking and complimenting him. However, Jungkook always mouthed foul words at you. There were so many times when he wanted to thank you, but the words never came out. He never got the chance to thank you.While listening to his two older hyungs and you talk, Jungkook’s eyes start to close.
------
Jungkook is awaken by the sound of his phone ringing nonstop. It’s the ringtone for Kakaotalk, and it won’t stop ringing. It starts to annoy him, so he decides to check to see who’s spamming him. However, when he sees the innumerable amount of unknown numbers texting him, Jungkook is alarmed. His inbox is filled with countless of messages that reads:
I love you Jungkook-oppa! 💕
Is this really Jungkook’s ID?
Hi, Jungkook!!! 💞✨😄😁😙😭
Are you really Jungkook from BTS?
Omg, im actually crying
Hi Jungkook! Been a fan of BTS since I Need U era and I just want to say…
Jungkook learns quickly that all of these numbers are his fans, but how did they get access to his Kakao ID? There are hundreds of fans who are texting him all at once, making it impossible for him to block every one of these fans. He starts to get anxious, trying to figure out a way to delete all of them as well as figure out how they got his ID.
Jungkook stands up from his chair, about to go out and ask one of their managers to handle this, but due to his hasty nature, Jungkook accidentally drops his phone right on top of his computer keyboard. Jungkook tries to pick up his phone, but his fingers also hits a few of the keys while he tried to catch it.
But as he grabbed it, he didn’t realize that he had accidentally pressed a couple of keys together that would delete everything on his USB drive—the same drive that contained all of his work for the song he was composing. During that midst of silence (with the exception of his text tone going off every millisecond), Jungkook’s jaw dropped, unable to believe that he had just accidentally wiped clean of weeks worth of work just like that.
Finally, panic sets in, and Jungkook scavenges for his files anywhere on his computer. He looks through every folder in the USB, looking through his files explorer, his downloads, even his recycle bin. But he can’t find it anywhere. He can feel his sweat starting to form on his forehead upon the realization that he actually deleted all of his work in mere seconds.
Weeks of sleepless nights working on the song and continuous rejection from their producer down the drain just like that. While rustling with his hair in frustration, the ringing from his phone won’t stop; fans are still messaging him by the moment, telling him they love and support him. He glares down at his noisy phone, the source of his troubles. This is their fault.
In a fit of rage, Jungkook grabs his phone and throws it across the room, shouting to release all of his anger from within. He threw it so hard that the corner of his phone made a hole in the wall, but he doesn’t care. Jungkook flips his piano keyboard over, crashing to the floor, and he throws his figurines and papers everywhere.
During his tantrum, his phone is still ringing, fans still dropping by and leaving thousands of text messages. The sound of his phone only increase his temper, so he runs to his wall and begins punching it. He punches his hand repeatedly against the wall that it starts to scrape his knuckles. His knuckles start to turn red and sore from the repeatedly blows, creating a dent.
Hearing all of this commotion from the living room, you—who had been left behind by Jimin and V so they can make a quick trip to the convenience store to buy ramen—run to Jungkook’s bedroom, swinging his door open to see his room a mess. You see him in the corner of his room, punching his wall, so you leapt over the papers and items on the floor to reach him.
You pull his arm away from the wall. “Jungkook! What are you doing?? Stop it!”
“I fucking hate my fans! All they ever do is fucking ruin my life!”
He remembers all the times when fans were being disrespectful: grabbing his hair and shirt just to get a chance to touch him, pushing and chasing after him in the airport, and even started a petition to kick him out of BTS.
But he thinks the worst thing about his fans is that majority of his fans only like him because of his looks. They don’t really care about him, only his looks. No one really cares what he’s like inside, not even his own fans. This is exactly why Jungkook hates being an idol.
“Don’t ever say that about your fans!” You blurt out. “You don’t really mean that! Think about all the times when the fans loved and supported you—the times when you felt the most alone, and they were there for you!”
Jungkook turns to you, unwilling to listen to you. That right, he thought, you’re a fan of me too. Jungkook jerks his arm off of you.
“You’re only saying that because you’re a fan of me too. I offended you, too Isn’t that right?”
A bit shocked that he said that, you froze in spot. He knew it—he hit it directly in the center. All this time when you showed him care, it was only because you think of him as a celebrity; you see him merely as Jeon Jungkook from BTS.
“Get the fuck away from me. Your face is annoying me.” Jungkook says right before he leaves.
He leaves you alone in his bedroom, and you’re left feeling confused. What had happened to make him throw a fit this violent? Something must’ve happened for him to get this upset.
You look around the room, and all you can hear is the sound of a text tone constantly going off. You look through the piles of paper and novelties on the floor, and you find Jungkook’s phone and the millions of text messages that he’s getting from his fans.
------
It’s eleven o’clock in the evening, and he’s been out all day. Luckily, they didn’t have anything particularly important to do today, and RM, J-Hope, and Suga were going to be in today’s episode only. It felt nice he got to be alone without his phone because this time, there were no distractions. His hyungs and managers aren’t texting/calling him, and he doesn’t have to read messages from his fans. He just got to be alone.
Even though he was alone, you kept popping up in his head. The last expression he saw from you was a look of hurt. He knew that his words stabbed you right in the heart because in a way, he was directly talking to you too. You’ve always had a high tolerance when his insults were directly towards you, but this time, it seemed like you took it to heart.
At the front of Jungkook’s apartment complex, sitting right outside of the lobby is you. When you sit there alone, you really do look like a stalker. What the hell are you doing here so late at night? Not only that, but it’s chilly outside. He can tell that you’re really cold because you’re all balled up, and your hands are in your pockets.
Not wanting to approach you, but also not having any other way to get around you, Jungkook grudgingly pulls his feet to the lobby entrance. Just as he predicted, you noticed him, so you stand up and run to him.
“Jungkook! Are you okay?”
“You know, you really look like a stalker just sitting there.”
You ignore his remarks, waiting for him to answer you back.
“What the fuck are you doing here? Don’t you have your internship shit you have to worry about?”
“It’s okay, that’s my own problem that I can deal with later.” You brushed it off rather quickly.
You show Jungkook his phone that he left behind. You kept it warm in your sweater pocket, making sure that the cold temperature doesn’t affect it in any way.
“I figured out how they got your ID,” You start off. “Someone hacked into your account and released it. I think it was a fan.”
How did she find out about that? Jungkook wonders if you actually spent the whole day tracking down the person responsible for the leak.
“It took a while, but I was able to have someone relay the information to the company, so the hacker should get a warning from BigHit, but I’m not sure.”
Jungkook doesn’t know what to say. You spent the whole day just doing this for him. But why though? Why sacrifice the possibility of losing your internship for someone as ignorant as Jungkook? Why are you so nice to him?
“I didn’t ask you to solve this for me. The fans would’ve figured this out and sent a mass email to the head of my agency about this anyway.” He walks past you so he can get to the entrance door.
“I know you didn’t ask me to do this, but...I wasn’t the one who discovered it first.”
Jungkook pauses.
“Jungkook, it was your fans who solved this, way before I ever did. I learned about this situation from them, and they emailed your company, but since they were emails from fans, they didn’t think too much about it. So I wanted to help some sort of help and at least gather all of the emails and the evidence that they sent to make it easier for them to read,” You smile, proud of the fans who took the time to do all this. “I just wanted to tell you this.”
Jungkook doesn’t answer you. He’s speechless by the works of his fans, like he didn’t really expect them to do what they always say they would. He was just joking about fans dealing with this first.
“So...please take back what you said about your fans. They really do care for you because you’ve helped them in ways that other people couldn’t.”
He looks at you, and you look so desperate, as if you really want him to forgive the fans who messages you as well as thank the ones who helped. Of course, looking at the situation like this, Jungkook can’t help but feel appreciative. Plus, the fans who did text meant no harm. After all, he was the one who panicked and accidentally deleted all of his work.
It reminds him of the time when he and his band hardly had any fans, and receiving fan letters was the best thing in the world. Reading a letter from a fan meant that there were really people who acknowledged that they’re alive. He even remembers the time when a fan sent him a basket of fruits, and he was so delighted that he didn’t want to share any with his hyungs. Jungkook can never forget those moments.
“Alright...I was wrong to say that I hate them. I was just upset at the moment.” Jungkook realized that he can never truly hate his fans. After all, many of them stayed by their side, so he should do them a favor and stay with them as well.
There’s a glimmer of hope in your eyes, happy to see that Jungkook’s faith in his fans hasn’t completely been wiped away. You were worried that because they have so many fans, they would only see them as numbers, not individual people.
You can’t help smile, and your cheeks start to turn red. This isn’t really something to be happy about because Jungkook’s information still got hacked, meaning that the hacker found his email and phone number. But seeing how Jungkook forgave them, you can’t hide how happy you are.
There it is again, that look on your face that has been tugging on Jungkook’s chest lately. He hates seeing you smile, not because he thinks you look ugly when you smile, but because he feels undeserving of it. He’s been nothing but crude to you, and in return, you give him kindness. He can never understand you and why you’re so nice to him. It makes him feel guilty...but he wants more of it.
Jungkook pulls you towards him. You fall in his chest, and you can feel his heart thumping really fast. He wraps his arms around you, hugging you tightly so you can feel his warmth. You’re surprised by this, your face turning to a tomato, but you don’t reject him either. Jungkook feels more at ease, having you in his arms like this. It’s as if all of his troubles is gone when you’re around. With this silent but heartfelt embrace, he can confirm that he’s fallen for you.
“...I…”
Do you really think you can satisfy another girl?
Suddenly, a flashback runs through his memories—a memory that he made sure that he forgot. Jungkook pushes you away out of the blue, and you don’t know what’s going on. Without a warning, Jungkook runs into the lobby, leaving you all alone by the front of the entrance door. You don’t know what that hug was for, and you don’t know why he pushed you away like that.
------
In the elevator, Jungkook leans against the wall opposite of the door. He slides down, falling to his knees as he realized that he likes you, but he doesn’t want to. He curls up into a ball, covering his ears as a waterfall of unwanted memories return to him.
“I never liked you.”
“You started to become boring, so I moved on.”
“With the way you are right now, no one will ever want to be with you.”
“Remember this when you continue to pursue your career: no one will truthfully love you because you’re Jeon Jungkook from BTS.”
But the one thing that he can never forget—the one that will forever be embedded in his memories is that one sentence: your portrayal of love is annoying. That’s right...Jungkook can never love someone, can he? Jungkook can never satisfy your needs, because he’s unable to love, just like what that person told him. You being with him would only bring you tragedy. You’ll eventually become annoyed of him, then you’ll leave him too.
His phone rings suddenly, and it’s a text message. It’s not from Kakaotalk, but from normal text app. It’s from an unknown number. But when he see the name in the message, he knew immediately who this is.
Hi, Jungkook. This is Sue Kim, the new head of the casting department. I heard from Mr. Bang about your information being leaked. I’m so sorry about what happened. If there’s anything you need, don’t be afraid to come to me if you ever need someone to comfort you. - Sue Kim.
Jungkook knows what she means by ‘comfort’. No one ever says that to a stranger unless they want to get in bed with them. He knows that...but he still returns the text to her. If there is one thing that he can satisfy people with, it’s ‘that’. Jungkook is too filthy to be with someone like you.
Thank you. I’ll come to you whenever I need someone by my side.
------
Jungkook enters the classroom, peeking his head in first to see if Ms. Kang is in here. She’s the only one in the classroom, so he enters. She takes notice of him, and she looks delighted to see him. She stands up from her chair, but not saying a word.
“Jungkook, is there a reason why you’re here?”
“Uh, yes. I wanted to talk about my test scores.”
‘It’s about time,’ Jungkook hears her mumble, but he pays no attention to that, as he must’ve imagined that. Ms. Kang pulls out a chair from a nearby desk, and she pats the seat of it, signaling him to sit.
“Sit down. This talk might take a while.”
“Okay.”
Jungkook obliges and sits down. Ms. Kang doesn’t sit down, but instead stands in front of him. That’s when Jungkook sees that she’s wearing a rather provocatively short skirt.
“I noticed that a lot of my test scores have a lot of incorrect marks, but I got most of the questions right. I checked with one of my classmates, and it seems like you’ve accidentally gave me the wrong incorrections.”
Jungkook is trying to explain, but it seems like Ms. Kang isn’t even listening. She just keeps breathing heavily while staring at him. Actually, not directly at Jungkook’s face...but more down.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Jungkook. I didn’t mean for that to happen but...I’ve already put your test scores down in the system, and I can’t undo it. However, I can give you extra credit to make up for my mistakes.”
Ms. Kang walks behind Jungkook, and it sounds like she’s taking out a piece of cloth. She takes Jungkook by the hands, making him flinch. “Ms. Kang, what are you doing?”
“Just trust me. You’ll like this.”
She puts both of Jungkook’s hands together, then ties them together. When he realized that Ms. Kang tied his hands behind the chair, Jungkook struggles to get them off, but then he stops fighting when he sees that Ms. Kang is taking off her underwear right in front of him.
Face red, Jungkook turns away. “M-Ms. Kang, what are you doing?! Let me go!”
“What’s wrong? I’m just trying to help you.”
Ms. Kang unbuttons her shirt, exposing her chest, but Jungkook dares not to look. He doesn’t know if this is actually happening, or if this is a dream, but all he knows is that he wants to get out of this situation. Jungkook wants to scream for help, but he’s so frightened that his voice won’t come out.
Ms. Kang gets on his lap, and Jungkook jumps from fright. His head is still turned away, but Ms. Kang forces his head to look at her bare chest. This is the first time Jungkook has ever seen breasts before. Suddenly, Ms. Kang puts her hand on Jungkook’s thigh, moving it up to his pelvic area, followed by her hand moving back and forth to entice it.
Jungkook doesn’t like this, but his body is reacting differently. He hates this, and he wants to throw up. He didn’t come here for this. Jungkook starts to cry, not wanting to do this with his math teacher.
“Ms. Kang…please stop it...I’m scared.”
But instead of stopping, Jungkook’s scared expression only excites her more. She tilts her head to the side, her red lips curling up to form a lustful grin.
She leans close to Jungkook’s ear to whisper something. “Jungkook, my innocent, precious student, what you’re feeling isn’t fear, but desire. You want more from me. You’re craving for me, too, and you just don’t know it. It’s not fear but love. Believe me, because after all, I’m your teacher, and I’m teaching you right now.”
Is that true? Jungkook wouldn’t know...he’s never been in love before. Could he be mistaking this feeling of terror for love?
“Jungkook...I’m tired of teaching a bunch of thirsty students. They’re all so immature, and that’s why I love you. You’re always working hard to achieve your goals, never looking at me like those brainless boys. You’re much more mature than they are, and it makes me want to have a piece of that. Jungkook, I love you, so give me all of you.”
Once she feels like Jungkook is ready, she unzips his pants and spreads her legs.
“You must’ve been feeling alone after you became an idol, right? Let me fill that void for you.” She whispers one more time before tainting him.
How did she know that he was lonely? Jungkook heard from his classmates that you’re truly in love with another person if they notice the small thing about you. He made sure that no one knew that he was feeling lonely. So if Ms. Kang noticed that, then does that mean that she really loves him? If that is so, then his innocent mind thinks that it’s better if he returns the feelings.
But...if that’s what he thinks, then why does he feel like he disappointed his hyungs, his family, his friends, his fans, and most of all—himself?
“Did you hear what happened to Jungkook?” One staff member whispers to another.
“About the Kakaotalk thing?”
“Yea! That was crazy, wasn’t it?”
“It was. Poor Jungkook, he had to deal with his fans annoying him.”
Two staff members are talking to each other while organizing the different outfits on the shelf. You’re helping as well, folding them neatly and making sure that there aren’t any creases. You wish you can tell them that Jungkook doesn’t think of his fans like that.
What happened that night was definitely strange, but what’s stranger is that after that, Jungkook completely cut ties with you. He stopped acknowledging you completely. Whenever you greet him, he ignores you, walking off as if you weren’t in the room. You don’t know what you could’ve done to make him do that.
“(Y/N)?” A staff member calls out to you.
“Oh, yes?”
“Do you think you can get us the clothes from the next room too?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
The woman thanks you, and you head out of the room, heading to the room right next to this one. While on your way there, you hear an all too familiar voice talking across the hall. It’s Jungkook’s voice, and he’s speaking with a woman. You stop to listen as their voices get louder, passing through the halls perpendicular to you.
You see Jungkook and Sue walking with each other, and they’re smiling. Sue is clinging onto Jungkook’s arm. You’re feeling this ache in your chest when you see Jungkook smiling—something he’s never done with you. Jungkook looks so happy with Sue, but when he’s with you, he looks miserable.
Because you’re standing there, taken aback by the scene, Jungkook catches you staring. You both make eye contact for a brief moment, and you debate whether or not you should greet him. But before you can, Jungkook returns his gaze to Sue, continuing his conversation with her. You can feel your heart drop when he looked away as if you two have never met before. Your throat chokes up and you try to hold back on your tears, heading to the room to get the rest of the clothes.
Jungkook keeps looking back, but every time he does, you’re not there. He wonders if you saw him with Sue, which you most likely did because you two make eye contact.
Because Jungkook’s attention isn’t on Sue, Sue tugs on his arm in a cutesy manner, pursing her bottom lip up to form a sulking expression. “Jungkook, where are you looking? I’m right here.”
Jungkook grudgingly returns his gaze to Sue, who’s smile returns once all of his attention is back to her. He hates how clingy she is, and how this middle-aged woman is trying to act like she’s young again. He dislikes this situation he put himself into, being stuck with a woman who wants nothing more than his body.
But he prefers this than to be with you because Jungkook knows that he’s not capable of loving you. He would rather have himself spiral down a rabbit hole filled with greed and lust rather than to have you stuck with him and be miserable for making that choice. Once you learn about his weak side, you’ll no longer want to be with him, and that’s what he doesn’t want.
Sue wraps her arms around Jungkook’s tighter, having his elbow feel the side of her breast. She keeps looking down at his body with desire, then she raises her gaze up at Jungkook’s handsome, structured face. “You know, I’m free tonight. We can do something if you like.”
Jungkook looks at her, knowing exactly what she means by that. “Okay.”
Jungkook doesn’t know what brought him to say that. Perhaps it’s because no matter how many times he tries to forget about you, you always pop up in his mind, and he wants to forget about you.
Your kindness is not what he deserves.
Every time he’s with Sue, his guilty conscious always returns to you. And yet, he’s trying to move away from the feelings he has with you by being with a woman who doesn’t even love him.
------
In the hotel room, Sue pushes Jungkook against the wall, kissing him passionately on the lips. Sue has her arms all around Jungkook, but he leaves his arms hanging lifelessly as she caresses him. She undoes her bun, letting her long hair fall down, and she takes Jungkook’s hands and places them on her waist.
She pulls back, breathing heavily. “You know, from the moment I saw you, I was wondering how you’re like in bed.”
He’s not surprised she thought like that. Sue unbuttons Jungkook’s shirt, exposing his chest and abdomen to her. She smiles once she laid eyes on his body, impatient to know how it’ll feel like when she touches them. Jungkook and Sue head to the bed, where Sue pushes him down first. She takes off her clothes, only to be wearing her black bra and underwear.
Sue climbs on top of him, kissing his neck repeatedly while he looks away, unphased by her moans and kisses. He keeps staring at the clock that’s hanging on the wall, time ticking slowly. He doesn’t know why he’s here, or why he’s letting Sue do this to him when he isn’t even enjoying it. This is not the first time he’s done it, but it isn’t like he has enough experience either. He lets Sue take the lead, which she gladly decides to do so.
Sue’s hand rests on Jungkook’s chest, and it traces down to abdomen. She begins to rub at Jungkook’s privates while she kisses Jungkook all over his mouth. However, when Jungkook feels her rubbing his bulge, he is immediately struck with a sense of familiarity—one that he chooses not to remember:
That one afternoon after school, in that empty classroom filled with nothing but the orange color of the sun. There is not a single sound in that room except for his math teacher’s moans and Jungkook’s cries. He kept his eyes shut, biting his bottom lip. He couldn’t cry for help because he was so deathly scared of getting in trouble. The only words ever echoed in that classroom was from Ms. Kang—her repeated I love you’s as she moved up and down.
Jungkook couldn’t comprehend, but he knew that this was going to be a secret between him and his teacher. Even after the deed was done, Ms. Kang still told him how much she loved him. Jungkook, convinced that what he experienced wasn’t fear, but romantic feelings towards his teacher, can only nod. He can only assume that he and Ms. Kang has started a scandalous relationship.
But...despite her repeated confession, not once has Ms. Kang actually showed him affection.
Feeling that familiar, disgusting feeling he once had in high school resurfacing, Jungkook pushes Sue off of him. Catching her off guard, Sue falls to the ground. She looks at Jungkook, surprised and annoyed as to why Jungkook did that.
“Jungkook, what-”
“Don’t call me by my name!” Jungkook blurts out.
Sue stands up while Jungkook sits up, hiding his face beneath his hands. She leans over to touch Jungkook’s hand.
“Honey, what’s gotten into you?”
Hearing her call him ‘honey’ disgusts him. Jungkook wants to throw up just hearing that nickname. Jungkook whacks her hand away from him.
“GO AWAY! Don’t contact me ever again. If you try to talk to me after this, I’m going to file a complaint.”
Feeling disrespected, Sue scoffs at Jungkook. She grabs her clothes on the ground and puts it on. She glares at Jungkook, feeling as though she’s the victim because Jungkook led her on.
“I thought you were better than that. Turns out that you’re no different from other men.” Sue says just to get under his skin. “I only wanted to have sex with you anyways because you were famous. I never liked you.”
Even though Jungkook never developed feelings for Sue, her words still stung. Just being reminded that he is nothing more than a toy, it hurts. This is exactly why he’s tired of being an idol. He’s nothing more than an action figure to be played with, a figure seen on TV to be advertised and bought. The light will never shine on who Jungkook really is.
Everywhere that Sue touched starts to tingle, as if her germs are drilling themselves into his skin, and he feels dirty. He tries to scratch her germs off of him, but no matter how hard he tries, it feels like it’ll never go away. Her germs have become imprinted into his skin, and it’ll never come off.
Wanting to be cleansed of this filth, Jungkook can only think of you.
------
Ever since that day, Jungkook and Ms. Kang have been meeting up secretly to have sex. Jungkook never initiates the moves though—it was always Ms. Kang. The first couple of times, Jungkook felt so disgusting doing something as dirty and forbidden as this, but after a while, he was able to convince himself that this is what he should like. If Ms. Kang loves him like she says she does, then he should return the favor. As her boyfriend, Jungkook should learn how to treat her right.
But as time went on, Jungkook and Ms. Kang started seeing each other less and less. Every time he goes to meet her, Ms. Kang is always telling him that she’s busy correcting papers or tutoring. Being the understandable person that he is, Jungkook believed her and gave her space. But it started to become normal for Ms. Kang to brush Jungkook aside, and Jungkook started to become worried that it might be because he’s not treating her right.
Jungkook started asking for advice from his friends on how to treat a girlfriend. He did everything they told him to do, but it never seemed to satisfied Ms. Kang. He would always compliment her looks help her whenever she needed it, and even went out his way to buy her flowers. Nothing worked, and he’s left questioning what he can do.
“A heartfelt letter?” Jungkook asks.
“Yea, I’m pretty sure she’ll like it.” Namjoon tells him. “For some things, it’s hard to express it through speech, so I think it’s better to write it down and tell her how you truly feel.”
Jungkook had asked Namjoon for advice. He didn’t tell him that it’s his teacher he’s trying to appease but did say that it’s a girl from school. Since Namjoon is very good at writing lyrics, Jungkook asked him for help, and he’s one of the few hyungs who knows how to keep a secret.
“Tell me how it goes. I hope she accepts your confession.” Namjoon smiles, rooting for him.
Jungkook smiles, thinking that this might be it.
It took him a while to write a whole paper-worth for Ms. Kang, but he did it. What he wrote might be a bit cheesy, but he thinks that he might get his feelings across to his teacher with this letter. All he has to do now is give it to her.
One day after school, Jungkook is standing in front of Ms. Kang’s classroom. His heart is thumping like crazy, unsure of whether or not this will work. It’s been awhile since he and Ms. Kang had a conversation, so he might feel a bit uncomfortable coming to her and confessing his feelings. However, Jungkook won’t know anything if he doesn’t do anything, so he opens the door.
What he sees in front of him shocks him. Ms Kang is there, but there’s a male student there too. The student is tied to a chair, and Ms. Kang is on his lap. This feels all too familiar, and Jungkook can feel his legs become weak. He can barely hold the letter in his hand. Fearing that they might get in trouble, Ms. Kang unties the student’s hands from the chair to let him escape. With the student gone, Ms. Kang looks frustrated, crossing her arms.
“What do you want?”
Jungkook shakes his head, trying to get the image of Ms. Kang climbing another student out of his mind “I-I just wanted to talk to you.”
With his fingers feeling weak, barely holding onto the paper in his hands now, raises the letter that he worked on to show his teacher.
“I know you’ve been busy with grading and everything for us to see each other...so I thought that it’d be better if I wrote you a letter, and you can read it whenever you have time.”
Ms. Kang doesn’t respond whatsoever. She approaches Jungkook, the sound of her heels echoing the classroom. She takes the letter from Jungkook’s hand, and instead of reading—or even glancing at it—Ms. Kang rips it into pieces. Jungkook heart drops, seeing the letter he put all of his feeling down being torn as if it’s nothing meaningful.
“Since you’re not getting the hints I’m trying to give you, I’ll spell it out for you,” Ms. Kang drops the torn pieces of Jungkook’s letter to the floor. “You started to become boring, so I moved on.”
Jungkook eyes widen, but Ms. Kang scoffs and rolls her eyes.
“Don’t act so surprised. It was all because you’re an up and rising celebrity, and I wanted to know how it feels like to do it with one.” She says so frankly and emotionlessly.
Ms. Kang leans closer to Jungkook, poking his shoulder with her index finger.
“You really thought we were in a relationship? Get your head out of fantasyland and learn that romance doesn’t work so dream-like.”
Jungkook bottom lip starts to tremble, having a difficult time swallowing Ms. Kang’s words. “...W-was it because I didn’t treat you right? I-I can change. I’ll do whatever you say to make things work out. Just…”
Just don’t tell me that you never loved me.
Ms. Kang bursts into laughter. “Wow! You’re really delusional, you know that? Are you really that dumb? Our relationship was nothing more than physical, but you were so innocent that you didn’t want to believe that. You knew all this time that I never liked you. Jungkook, your portrayal of love is annoying. And with the way you are right now, no one will ever want to be with you.”
Ms. Kang leans close to Jungkook’s ear to whisper something.
“Remember this when you continue to pursue your career: no one will truthfully love you for you, but because you’re Jeon Jungkook from BTS. You threw away your real self the moment you signed your contract to become an idol, so forget about ever finding a lover who’ll really love you.”
Ms. Kang moves away from Jungkook, exiting the classroom to get space from him. Jungkook doesn’t know how to react; he can only look down at his trembling hands. He sees his tears landing on the palms of his hands. Jungkook knew that Ms. Kang didn’t like him, but he wanted to believe that true love is real. She broke that illusion. It never existed in the first place, and those are the words that Jungkook will never forget.
It will linger with him for as long as he lives. Even if the years go by and he forgets the face of who said those words, those exact words will be the only thing that will ring true to him. Those words are what provides aid to him on his future endeavours for as long as he lives, and he vows that nothing should and will ever change that. Because to him, he is unable to satisfy his love for others.
Jungkook is walking around the empty section of the park by himself. After canceling their hotel room, Jungkook can’t bring himself to return home, so he went to the park to clear his mind. He looks up at the sky, staring at every single star, wishing that one of them and come flying down and crush him for his sins.
Jungkook finds an isolated playground, and he’s never seen it before. Maybe it’s because it’s in a hidden part of the park, so he never found it. He goes ahead and sits on one of the rusty swings. His feet pushes him back and forth, wanting nothing more than to become forgotten just like this playground. Jungkook regrets ever coming to Seoul to become an idol. He wish he stayed in Busan, become another one of those faceless people doing everyday activities. Why couldn’t he just given up on his dreams earlier in life?
However, he isn’t alone. He can hear the sound of the playground’s sand crunching. Jungkook looks up and is shocked to see you, standing in front of him. Jungkook has no idea how you knew he was here, but whatever the reason, he’s so happy to see you.
“I thought I’d see you here. V told me to look for you, and I had a feeling that I should go here first.”
Jungkook doesn’t say anything, but he only looks down with a stoic expression. Even from this, you can sense that something is not right about Jungkook, like he’s feeling more down than usual.
“I have an idea. Let’s go somewhere.”
------
You and Jungkook leave the convenient store with a grocery bag filled with candy and snacks. Of all places, he didn’t expect you to take him to a convenient store. It almost makes him somewhat disappointed that out of everywhere, you chose this place.
“I can’t believe you actually wanted to come here.” Jungkook says with a monotone voice.
“What? It has almost everything you need, and for pretty cheap too! It’s called a ‘convenient’ store for a reason,” As much as you let Jungkook’s insults slide, you’re not letting this one off so easily. “Back in my home country, our convenient stores aren’t as cool as the ones here, so I kind of go here often.”
He remembers the time when you bought him a meal from this store and left it in the fridge for him. You really do love stores like these.
“Plus, my grandma told me that eating sweets helps you take out the bitterness in your body.” You hand Jungkook a chocolate bar.
Jungkook takes the chocolate bar, though he wonders what kind of adult would still believe in that. That’s something that grandmothers tell their five-year-old grandchildren. But still, Jungkook is no different, so he unwraps the bar and takes a bite out of it.
Jungkook notices that when you talk about your family, it always seems like life was perfect for you. It makes him feel a little jealous because he left his parents at a young age, and he rarely talks to them on the phone either.
“Must be nice.”
“What is?”
“To be close to your family like that.”
“What? Oh…” You look away, feeling slightly distraught. “I wouldn’t call it that. I haven’t seen or spoken to them in four years.”
Jungkook is surprised.
“Yea, they didn’t approve of me going to Korea to study film. Actually, they were never supportive of me studying film in general. They wanted me to become a doctor or something that makes a lot of money. They told me that I was going to be unsuccessful and become homeless, and I do, they won’t help me because they already warned me...I guess you can say that before I left, our relationship was unsteady.”
For someone who’s so laid-back and talks about their family, your family isn’t as caring as you make them to be. That might explain why his insulting words mean nothing to you, which makes Jungkook feel bad for always being mean.
“But at some point, I got tired of holding a grudge against them, and I started to feel a bit lonely. I was in a foreign country that I knew very little of its language, and I had no one to turn to. So, I guess you can say that this film project I’m working on is in hopes that my family sees it.”
“...To let them know that you can become successful?”
You shake your head. “Just to let them know that I’m doing alright.”
Jungkook wishes that he can think like you, just to let things go so easily so it wouldn’t eat him up like this. He wishes he can move on from what happened in the past and look forward to the future like you.
Speaking of films, Jungkook does recall that you once mentioned that you like this videos, but you never got around to answering it. “You know, you never explained to me why you like G. C. F.”
“Huh? Oh…” You feel a bit embarrassed telling him though. “It’s nothing too big…”
“Just tell me.”
“Well...I like the simplicity of it,” You start off. “How do I explain it…? I think...when you film, it’s because you’re not trying to get some deep meaning out of anything, but to remember it as a piece of memory. It’s so raw...so real. It makes me forget that you’re all celebrities—that you’re no different from us.”
Jungkook didn’t think of his videos in that sense, but he still finds your interpretation of it interesting.
“You all are so comfortable in your videos that…I felt like I was looking at a clip of a friend’s memory. During those the first year here, I felt so alone, and I had no one. There was this gnawing feeling in my chest when I felt homesick, and it was horrible. I regretted leaving my family for a career as risky as filming, I felt alone, but I was too shy to talk to other people, and at some point, I hated filming.”
You turn to Jungkook with a gleeful, yet gentle smile.
“But it changed when I found your video. It was so calming and friendly, and I haven’t felt that ever since I left. Just hearing you and the other members laughing and having a fun time made me feel happy, like as long as you were happy, then I was alright. I told myself that if I ever saw you, then I would thank you. So...thank you...for pulling me through the hardest time in my life.”
Remembering those nights when you were either insomniac or cried yourself to sleep was common, or when you tried to call home, but your parents ignore your calls. It drove you insane, but you knew your parents did that on purpose to push you to that limit and have you return. You just felt so disconnected from the world and that there was no way for you to return.
But just one video from Jungkook was enough to make you forget all of that. It didn’t have to be a high-produced video for it to express how passionate it is. It reminded you of why you love to film in the first place; it returned you to the path that you walking on. That’s why your theme is ‘Love; Weakness’, because you’re returning to your roots and pursue what you see as love in the purest form.
You were supposed to be the one to comfort Jungkook, and here you are, crying your eyes out. Jungkook doesn’t know what you went through, but he can feel empathetic. He knows how it feels like to be alone in a new place without your family and having to grow up on your own. Jungkook saw himself in you, and maybe that’s why he was so rough with you.
His past was eating him so much that he once forgot about that young boy who dreamed of becoming a singer, but that teacher took it all away from him. She took away his innocence and brainwashed him into thinking that what they were doing was right, then turned it against him by making it his fault for infatuating her.
“It’s so weird though...when I first met you, I wanted it to be professional only, but I wanted to get to know more about you. And then at some point, I think I started liking you…”
Jungkook’s heart skips a beat when you confessed. His heart stopped for a moment, then it began to beat rapidly. Rather than feeling excited to hear your confession, he felt guilty. Even though you give him nothing but affection, he’s been doing nothing but treating you wrong. He did all of it with the purpose of pushing you away because he felt like he doesn’t deserve you, but it still ended up the way it is.
You’re unaware that Jungkook just tried to sleep with Sue, and you don’t know how filthy Jungkook is. You know nothing of it, and yet you still like him.
“Don’t say that when you don’t know anything about me.” Jungkook huffs out.
You’re surprised Jungkook said that.
“You only like the Jungkook you saw in those videos, right? You don’t like the one who’s offscreen, the one who’s aggressive and hard to get along with. You only let it off so easily when I insulted you because I’m the one that you like from those videos, right?”
You open your mouth to say something, but you close it.
“It’s better if you don’t talk to me anymore.”
His warning stabs you right in the heart. You didn’t expect him to accept your confession, but you didn’t expect him to say that either.
“But...you’re still the same person.” You whimper out.
“Would you still like me, knowing that I purposely started talking to Sue just to hurt you?” Jungkook says. “Earlier, I went out just so I can have sex with Sue.”
You’re absolutely speechless. Just moments before you met him, he was with Sue to sleep with her. Hearing that hurts you more than knowing that Jungkook won’t accept your feelings.
“None of it is your fault, it’s all me. You saw how I treated you, right? I’m broken in the head, and I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed. I won’t be able to reciprocate your feelings, and I don’t think I ever will. The way I portray love is...annoying,” He echoes Ms. Kang’s words, but then he gives you a painful smile. “So (Y/N)...don't chase after me anymore, alright? You’ll just waste your time.”
Jungkook reaches out to touch you, but then he pulls himself back. He’s worried that he’ll taint you with all the sins that he’s committed. Instead, he walks away, leaving you with the bag of candy that you two bought. You thought about running after him, but you can’t bring yourself to. Your heart hurts hearing that he had sex with Sue, but he looks like he’s in more pain.
Jungkook felt like what he did was right. It’s better that you rip yourself away from idolizing Jungkook and find someone who’s better. Even if this is his last meeting with you or if you grow to hate him, Jungkook never regretted meeting you. All he hopes now is that you find that happiness you’ve been looking for.
------
A month has gone by since the first time Jungkook met you. The filming for Behind the Stage has ended, and Jungkook was the only member who failed his mission. In the end, he couldn’t write a heartfelt song for his fans.
Lumpens had you transferred to another agency with him to work on another idol’s music video. Jungkook thought that meant that you and him will never see each other again, but he was wrong. Even though you’ve been transferred, you still come by to the main building, waiting for Jungkook to talk to him.
Unfortunately, every time Jungkook sees you leaning against a building, waiting for him across the street, he would take the back door. He’d expected you to give up within a few days, but it’s already been weeks, and you’re still out there, waiting for him.
Today as well, Jungkook sees you from the sixth story floor that you’re outside, waiting for him. Your hands are in your pockets, sighing as the frosty night is getting to you. Thankfully, you’re wearing your thick sweater so you wouldn’t fall ill. Still, Jungkook is worried that you will get sick because it seems like you’ve been spending all your free time just waiting by the front building.
RM spots Jungkook leaning over the window, so he gets close to him and pats him on the back. “We’re heading back to the apartment now. You coming?”
“Yea.” Jungkook replies, not taking his eyes off of you.
Curious to what he’s staring at, Namjoon looks out the window and sees you. “She’s still there? She’s got some will power, or she’s a stalker. Do you want me to call the police on her for harassment or something?”
“No!” Jungkook blurts out. “She would never…”
“Then why not talk to her?”
“T-talk? No...I can’t bring myself to talk to her...especially after the way I treated her.”
“But running away from her won’t solve anything either.”
Jungkook knows that, but what does he say to you after pushing you around, then kissing you? “I know that, but approaching her will only encourage her. It’s better if she grows tired of me and move on.”
RM has never really spoken to you, but he knows enough that you spend a lot of time with Jungkook. There’s also V too, but V did once mention that you talk about Jungkook too much. It’s annoying having to see two stubborn people refusing to move from their spot.
RM pats Jungkook on the shoulder, sighing. “If you really do care about her, then how about give her some closure at least? Let her know how you truly feel, then let her respond.”
RM wishes him good luck, then he leaves the room. Jungkook looks out the window again, watching as you wait for him to come out the door. The last time he told a girl how he felt, she ripped his letter to pieces and made him scared to like another person ever again. You two are completely different people, but there’s still that fear lurking behind him that you’ll do the same.
Jungkook considers about confronting you one last time, end things once and for all. RM’s right; he can’t leave you hanging like that without giving you some sort of closure. Jungkook will tell you to leave, and that’ll be the end of it.
------
Your feet are starting to hurt because you’ve been standing outside for a few hours. You don’t want to go on your phone, afraid that if you’re on your phone, you’ll miss Jungkook. Though, it isn’t as if Jungkook has been going in and out of through the front. You’re starting to wonder if you’re even waiting at the right building, or if Jungkook will ever show up. But after a few days thinking about what happened that night, you were able to put your thoughts together, and you want to tell Jungkook everything.
“You know, you really live up to your nickname, Stalker.” You hear a familiar voice next to you.
You turn to the side, and you see Jungkook. He doesn’t look excited to talk to you, but he also looks like he doesn’t look like he’s unwilling to talk to you either.
You get off from the building, standing straight when you see him. “Jungkook! I have something to tell you.”
------
At the park that you two have been together twice already, you and Jungkook are sitting at the same swing set where you confessed your feelings and Jungkook tried to reject you. You both aren’t looking at each other, but down at the cold sand under this dark sky.
“You said that you had something to tell me, right? Go ahead and start.” Jungkook thinks that it’s better that he goes second and lets you say what you have to say.
“...I’ve thought a lot about what you said to me, about what you and Sue. So I asked her about it.”
“You WHAT?!”
“She said you two didn’t go all the way. Is that true?”
Jungkook doesn’t have anything to say to you. He can’t believe you actually confronted Sue about it, and he also can’t believe that she told you the truth as well. You stare at him intently for an answer.
Jungkook sighs. “No, we didn’t.”
You sigh in relief. But why are you so relieved? It isn’t like Jungkook is a virgin anymore either.
“Why didn’t you?”
“Why do you want to know the details?”
“Answer my question, please.”
“No, I won’t tell you. This is dumb.”
Jungkook gets up and tries to leave, but then you grab him by the sleeve. “No! I won’t let you leave until you answer my question!”
“Let me go!”
“No! You told me that you won’t be able to return my feelings, but why?? Is it because of Sue?? Do you not like me?? Why do you think you’re annoying??”
“Stop it!”
“No!! Jungkook, I won’t leave you until you answer me-”
“It’s because I’m scared!”
Jungkook stops struggling, and you stare at him, surprised and confused at the same time. You loosen your grip around his arm, and Jungkook looks down in shame and embarrassment.
“I did so many stupid things in the past that I can’t forgive myself. I was used by my own teacher so that I can satisfy her needs. She told me that she loved me, and I...I believed her because I was naive. I thought that just because you tell someone you love them, then it’s only the right thing to return the feelings back to her too, right?? No, I was wrong.”
All this pent-up emotions is leaking out of Jungkook, and he can’t stop. He’s hid this from everyone—his hyungs, friends, family—because he was so ashamed of himself. He thought that it was better to keep it a secret and never let this come out.
But it only made Jungkook’s mental state deteriorate. Hiding it rather than facing it only made him feel small, insignificant, and really fucking stupid. He had more physical strength than Ms. Kang, and yet he didn’t fight her off. He hates himself for not stopping the mess that he created, and he hates it even more that you have to learn about the ugly side to him.
“You know what she said to me?? She said that I’m...annoying. And (Y/N), I don’t know how it feels like to be loved, but I think with you, I might finally know how it feels.”
Jungkook can no longer hide his tears anymore. His vision becomes blurry from all the tears falling down. All he can think right is how much he hates himself and how he wished he can redo the past. Maybe if he hadn’t let Ms. Kang do what she did, then you and Jungkook might have a chance at a normal relationship.
But he knows that he can’t, and he’s scared that you and he won’t have a happy ending. Jungkook is just meant to never have a bad ending.
“But...I’m scared...I’m scared that you’ll also tell me that I’m annoying, that I’m boring...that I’m delusional. I’m so terrified that if I show you my vulnerable side, you’ll leave me.”
Jungkook continues to sob. Just in that instance, he finally admitted something he’d hidden for years. He was manipulated by his own teacher, but he put all the blame on himself. Jungkook thought that he’s the reason why his teacher said all those things to him. He was scared that if he told others about this, then more people will leave him.
He blamed himself all these years, and he convinced himself that what his teacher told him is the truth. Jungkook said all those mean things to you because he wanted to build a wall before he can get hurt again. That’s why Jungkook said that he can’t reciprocate his feelings, because he’s scared that the past will repeat itself.
You put both of your hands on his cheeks, tiptoeing as you close your eyes, pressing your lips softly on Jungkook’s. His eyes widen and he’s frozen, trying to register what you just did. But you did this only because you want to have Jungkook confirm for himself that you aren’t lying that you like him.
You pull yourself back, blushing as you aren’t experienced in kissing, but you still hope that Jungkook understands you through that if words can’t. “How would you know that I’d leave without even trying?”
You move back to give Jungkook space.
“Jungkook, I’m not that woman, nor am I Sue. My reasons for liking you is different from theirs. But I understand...maybe right now would be too fast for you. I can’t promise you that I’ll leave you right now, but if you give me time, then I’ll prove it to you. I won’t ever leave you like that.”
Jungkook can’t bring himself to say anything. All he can do is sob as he leans down, pressing his forehead on your shoulder.
“I’m filthy, you know? I’ve done things that I regret doing...things that made me become this broken shell of a human.”
You smile, combing his hair with your hand. “Well, if you’re broken, then give me the opportunity to put you back together.”
“But I’ve already been broken so many times. Putting me back together only means that I’ll break easier.”
“Then I’ll just be more careful. I’ll keep fixing you until you can finally stand on you own. I don’t care how long it takes.”
Hearing you give him words of comfort—something that he desired for so long, scares him to death. What if there’s that possibility that your words mean nothing, and you’re just using him? What if you’re no different from Sue and Ms. Kang?
But all the while, it gives him hope that maybe Ms. Kang might be wrong. Maybe there is someone out there willing to learn and understand him, someone who doesn’t look at him with greedy eyes.
Jungkook holds onto you as he starts to sob. You wrap your arms around him, letting him release all the stress he’s hidden so well. He feels like all the weight on his shoulders have been uplifted, like he can be free from his burdens. Maybe with you, Jungkook has a chance of experiencing nothing but an authentic relationship. You two don’t have to date, as long as you’re by Jungkook’s side, then that’s all that matters.
“(Y/N)...can I trust you?” Jungkook tries to say in between his sobs.
“Of course!”
He continues to cry, promising that he’ll give the world to you. Someone like you deserves everything. You gave him that chance to conquer his fears, and in return, he’ll repay you for everything you’ve done for him. One day, Jungkook will tell you that he loves you with ease, not being scared of holding you like how you’re holding him right now, and no longer doubt you.
------
Epilogue
There once was a young boy who aspired to become a singer. He traveled to the big cities to make his dreams a reality, and it did. But what comes with dreams also comes with reality. The young boy learned how to dance, come out of his shell, and become a well-rounded performer, but he also learned loneliness, betrayal, and hopelessness.
His career did not start off well. He trained for years for this only to be ignored because he wasn’t famous enough. He became obsessed with work, working alone during his free time, and never having enough time to make friends. He struggled with his own challenges all by himself. That was the first time he experienced loneliness.
One day, an older woman saw those three flaws in his eyes and used it to her advantage. She casted a lustful spell on him and used him whenever she desired. But she grew tired of him, and thus, replaced him with something stronger and better. That was the first time he experienced betrayal.
He wandered through life aimlessly without a goal, letting time moving forward to allow it to eat him up. But then, he met a woman who changed his worldview. She didn’t do anything spectacular, as she was on a journey to discover herself as well. He started falling in love with her, but then he told himself that he could never make someone as special as her happy. He knew from the beginning that he has nothing to contribute to her. That was the first time he experienced hopelessness.
But that woman didn’t give up. She healed him of his lifelong wounds, though it was not easy. There were times when the young boy doubted himself and pushed her away, but she still remained. There were challenges they had to overcome, but they still stood by each other’s sides. She gave him everything that he once lost, and even though it took a long time, the young boy can finally experience a happy ending.
It’s a start of a new season, and Spring has finally arrived. All of the flowers have bloomed, and the sun shines brightly over the world. The sounds of the busy street filled with people bustling through their everyday lives and cars getting from one point to another. The city is always busy like this, and it’s a great place for opportunities to unfold.
But for you, you don’t live there anymore. The toxic air hovering around the city is too toxic for you and your husband. Though people came there for success, they also came for greed. There were times when the sun shined bright like today, but many days were cloudy from the industrial smoke.
Despite that, that is also where you met people who changed your life. The city life changed you forever, and you finally decide to settle in the outskirts. You knew from the very beginning that you want to spend your last days not in the city, but with your husband.
In the hospital, you’re walking down the hall, holding a small pile of papers, an outdated laptop, and a USB drive. Because you look like a fragile, old lady, many nurses often asked if you needed help, but you always declined their offer. You’re much stronger than they think you are. Besides, it would be embarrassing to come visit your husband with a nurse assisting you.
You find the room where your husband is staying in, and you open the door to find him reading a book and wearing his reading glasses. He’s reading that same book that the leader of his band wrote decades ago about self-care and self-love, but it’s one of his favorite books, and he can never put it down.
He sees you enter the room, and he smiles. “Oh, I wasn’t expecting you to come here again.”
“I wasn’t planning to come, but while cleaning out our attic, I found a few things that I think you’d like to see again.”
You walk to him, turning on the laptop.
“Oh goodness, I haven’t seen a dinosaur this old in such a long time.” He cringes at it.
You smile as you put in the password that you still surprisingly remember, despite your old age. You insert the USB in, and a tab file opens up.
“Let’s see if I remember how to use this…”
You open up the only folder in the USB, and in there sits only two files. There’s a video file and a song file, but they’re both called ‘Love; Weakness’.
“Is this what I think it is?”
“It’s my college project and your final draft of your first published song. I didn’t know you still kept the files.”
“Oh geez, it’s been decades since I last saw this. I can’t remember what it feels like again to be twenty and with healthy muscles.” He lets out a weak laughter.
You laugh with him. “But I still think you’re a strong man. Let’s watch these before we show our kids.”
Jungkook agrees to watching and listening to them. You click on the video, and it starts to play. The video has the song file with the same name played over it. Jungkook remembers that he never completed that one mission to compose a song, and it bothered him that he couldn’t. So he worked on and thus came out with this song in the folder. Even though he hasn’t heard this song in years, Jungkook can still the passion he put into it for his fans. They have long since moved on from him. They either passed away, or they’re living a life of their own.
But there has been one fan who stood by his side for majority of his life, and that fan eventually became his girlfriend, who he proposed and thus became his wife. They shared their whole life with each other, having kids who then built a life of their own.
The video shows clips of each individual member, V with his dog, Suga playing the piano, Jimin and J-Hope dancing, Jin singing, and RM composing music. All of these hyungs have contributed in his life, and he will never forget what they’ve done to help him.
But at the end of the video the music stops, and it’s a clip of Jungkook filming you as you two are star gazing at the park.
“Oh god, I remember this.” You turn away, feeling embarrassed.
“Wait, don’t film me!”
You say in the video.
“But I want to capture this moment and have you remember this forever.”
“Then I’m going to cover my ears!”
“Then I’ll say it as loudly as I can. (Y/N), I really, reeeeally love you, and I don’t think I’ll ever bring myself to love another person as much as you. Since you helped me with so much, then I’m going to return the favor to make sure that every single day, I’ll express how much I love you. From this point on and til the end, my feelings for you won’t day from this day forward.”
Even after decades of being married, that still embarrasses you. “Oh goodness, you were such a cheesy kid back then.”
But the Jungkook in that video lied in the last part. His feelings for you didn’t remain the same, he ended up loving you even more. Even after fifty years of being married, it felt like every day, he fell in love with you more and more. He never got tired of you, and when the day comes for his last breath, he will still not feel tired of you. Jungkook will never express how much you changed his life and how much he’s grown to love you this strongly.
Even his Jungkook closes his eyes forever in this moment, and you are the last thing that he sees, he wouldn’t mind. Because in the end, you proved him wrong. You did end up staying with him for his entire life.
The End
A/N: Thank you to everyone who read this until the end, especially since Jungkook was a real butthole lol. I hope you enjoyed reading it, and as always, don’t be afraid to message me if you have anything to say!
Masterlist
#bts scenarios#bangtan scenarios#bts#bangtan#bangtan seonyeondan#jungkook#bts jungkook#jungkook x reader#bts imagines#bts fanfic#fanfiction#oneshot#fluff#bts fluff#long reads#angst#smut#reader#x reader#jeon jungkook#romance#slow burn#kpop
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