Clark: [stares at Ace] Is that what I think it is?
Bruce: Oh, that’s Chewperman, Ace’s favorite chew toy.
Clark: You let Ace chew on a mini me?
Bruce: That’s what it’s made for. If it makes you feel bad, I’ll make one for Krypto too. He’ll love it, right boy?
Ace: Woof.
The following week at the Fortress of Solitude…
Bruce: Why is this toy kept behind a glass casing? It’s meant for Krypto. [takes it out of the casing and tosses it to Krypto] Here boy!
Krypto: [happily chomps on the Batman chew toy]
Clark: Noooo! Don’t! Krypto, let go of Batsqueak!
Bruce: Batsqueak?
Clark: It just feels wrong, Bruce! I can’t bear to let any harm come to Batsqueak. He should be kept safe in his ice cave, not mauled by giant fangs.
Bruce: …
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On the subject of Damian and the axolotl, I feel like people do send him pictures of animals and stuff and he gives a rating, idk tho
Stranger: I thought you'd like to know that Lacey had her puppies. *sends a pic*
Damian: For once, a mother who should be proud. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a derpy cat pic* This is my cat Momo, short for Movie-Theater Mozzarella-Sticks. He just turned 3 and likes to eat pillow feathers.
Damian: Truly the cat of all time. 10/10.
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Stranger: I think I saw Krypto the Superdog on my way to work. *sends blurry video of Krypto flying*
Damian: There goes Metropolis's hero. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a pic of a lizard in a pointy hat* This is King Gizzard, my lizard, as a wizard for Halloween.
Damian: I would give him all my candy. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a video of their parrot*
The parrot: Polly loves crackers and Damian.
Damian: Tell Polly I love her too. 10/10.
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Stranger: Bruh there are so many gophers at Gotham U. *sends pic of gophers chilling in the quad*
Damian: 10/10. Good for them, living their best life.
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Stranger: Do fish count? If so here's Bubbles. *sends video of a goldfish*
Damian: They absolutely do. 10/10.
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Stranger: I went to my aunt's farm and got to ride the horses. Meet Dash. *sends Instagram story with a horse*
Damian: A fine specimen. 10/10.
———————
Stranger: Opinions on this stingray? *sends scuba diving footage*
Damian: Superb. 10/10.
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Stranger: I found a worm. What should I name him? *sends pic*
Damian: He looks like a Kevin. 10/10.
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Stranger: This is me and my stepdad with the hens we've been raising. *sends pic*
Damian: What lovely ladies. 10/10.
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Stranger: I went to a butterfly garden today. *sends video of a butterfly landing on their hand*
Damian: Stunning. 10/10.
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Stranger: I just got back from a safari. *sends album of savannah herds*
Damian: Next time take me with you. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends a Ratatouille GIF*
Damian: Don't tell my family but I'm training my rats to do the same. 10/10 by the way.
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Stranger: This is Herbie, our class bunny. *sends a pic with the teacher fumbling in the background*
Damian: He looks more intelligent than your teacher. 10/10.
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Stranger: *sends pic* Got bored and bought a frog. I'm naming him Toad.
Damian: I hope your life is as dull as ever. 10/10.
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Stranger: Tzu Tzu keeps leaving her laundry everywhere. *sends video of a snake shedding its skin*
Damian: You're her assistant. Do your job. 10/10.
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Stranger: I finally got a hamster!! *sends video*
Damian: Now treat them like royalty and get yourself some tubing. 10/10.
———————
Stranger: Ideas for decorating my hermit crab's shell? For context his name is Juan and he likes the color yellow. *sends pic*
Damian: I suggest black and gold. 10/10.
———————
Stranger: I saw a turtle on my morning walk. *sends a pic*
Damian: Ethereal. 10/10.
———————
Bruce: *sends a family photo*
Damian: *blocks and reports*
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[before Ace got adopted]
Krypto: Hi there! So nice to meet you. I'm just going den to den seeing if any wolves would like to become dogs today.
Ace: What's a dog?
Krypto: Amazing question! You're such a good boy. Dogs are a pet for humans. You get paired up with one and they take care of you. They feed you, take you on walks, and when you get scared you can hide between their legs.
Ace: Wait, hold on. They feed me? You guys don't catch your own food?
Krypto: No, we eat dog food. And sometimes, if you're lucky, you get a treat.
Ace: What's a treat like?
Krypto: Have you ever done crack cocaine?
Ace: No.
Krypto: Well, that would be the closest example.
Ace: Okay, so I just get paired up immediately then?
Krypto: Well, not exactly. You will have to spend some time in a shelter, but if you're lucky, a human will pick you and take you home with them.
Ace: What happens if you aren't lucky?
Krypto: Oh, don't worry about it. You're going to a non-kill shelter.
Ace: What?
Krypto: Nothing! So, what do you say?
Ace: Yeah I'm not interested, sorry.
Krypto: WAIT!
Ace: What?
Krypto: Belly rubs.
Ace: Belly rubs?
Krypto: Every single day.
Ace: Okay, yeah, I'll consider it.
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