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#romantic love is too hard to find and scary and weird i basically want to live with my actual family and adopt some kids someday sorry
guinevereslancelot · 3 months
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i am unknowable and incapable of love goodnight <3
#romantic love i mean#against my will tho bc i want love so bad#but tbh i never feel anything more than awkward when i date 😬#i only feel comfortable with people when there's no romantic pressure idk#would genuinely love to build a platonic life with someone why do i have to be in love to marry someone and have a family w them 😭#love is real im just never going to experience it btw#but i still would like companionship and i really want kids tbh#i dont want to settle for not love in a relationship where thats expected or wanted and the other person loves me#but if it was an entirely platonic no pressure relationship that would be nice#maybe that would grow into love but the pressure of romance right off the bat kills the romance#in need to be close friends for like a decade first#sorry sorry im rambling insane thoughts its 11:30 and i just decided to break up with someone#and he's staying at my home so im even more painfully aware of having another person so deeply involved in my life that they become family#sorry you're not family i dont know anyone but my family well enough to let them be family and i never will please get out of my house#i make no sense but basically i love my family and want kids of my own but i dont want romance in there just platonic family love#romantic love is too hard to find and scary and weird i basically want to live with my actual family and adopt some kids someday sorry#this might change if i met the right person but i would need to be friends with them for a long time with no pressure first#and looking for that person is too forced and weird#anyway#its 11:30 in my 20s a week before valentine's day so naturally i am going insane that's all goodnight
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elganac · 2 years
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———  BASICS  !
·         (PEN)NAME: borbie, borb, birdie
·         PRONOUNS: she/her or they/them!
·         ZODIAC  SIGN: virgo
·         TAKEN  OR  SINGLE: single
———  THREE  FACTS  !
i’m currently trying to be a content creator off tumblr ( tuber of the v variety! )
i’ve been playing candy crush almost everyday for the past like two months
i’ve been on tumblr since uhhh 2013, maybe even 2012???
———  EXPERIENCE  !
·         PLATFORMS USED: mainly tumblr, though i originally started off via text messages and kik! i’ve also rp’d on discord, but it’s difficult for me to keep track of and maintain muse for those threads since the back and forth is too fast for me. ofc there was also the skype period
———  MUSE  PREFERENCE  !
·         GENDER: kind of 50/50 really?? i have more male muses than female but i think that just kinda happened. i think i prefer female muses in a way though! 
·         LEAST FAVOURITE FACE(S): idk what this question actually means but uhhh i guess i dont really lean towards like, “scary” or “aggressive” looking face claims? my muses tend to be on the cutesy or mischievous side, like even nate who is the more serious of the selection is really just a big shit poster, so while he has like aggressive tendencies he’s not really an aggressive face. does this even make sense lmao????
·         MULTI OR SINGLE: putting all of my muses onto one blog has been the best move to maintain my sanity
———  FLUFF  /  ANGST  /  SMUT  !  ♡  
·         FLUFF: i crave fluff sometimes, i really do. sometimes it’s very repetitive and redundant but honestly sometimes i could just rp the same concept over and over again with different rp partners so see different reactions and the nuances in relationships. like sharing a bath — it’s not a new concept on my blog or my muses’ relationships, but i will always love writing about muses wanting to share a bath together or like sharing a bed together, stuff like that. 
          especially when it comes to muses like alison and emile who are hopeless romantics and just thrive off of being in love and being cared for — it really is so fcking cute to write fluff when it fuels a close bond 
·         ANGST: i honestly haven’t written angst in so long, but i def do enjoy it for the sake of character development and exploring dynamics. i’m not really a fan of angst for the sake of angst anymore since it gets really tiring to just make a muse suffer just because especially when it’s like the most outrageous of circumstances, but if there’s actually a direction and a reason to the angst, i really enjoy it. especially if there’s a lot of room for plotting between me and my rp partner
·         SMUT: mindless smut sometimes is good in the sense it’s self-indulgent for me, but if it’s overdone, i do get burnt out really quickly. i usually reserve smut for closer rp partners or more established ships, but sometimes i’ll open it up to flings to explore new relationships and situations with muses. but tbh, one of my fave kind of smut is the kind that allows for a lot of exploration of a muse’s sexuality. not just who they’re attracted to but also just like, them learning how to manage and cope with sexual desire, sexual activities, and sexual exploration overall. i especially love this with alison because her perspective is skewed as a result of some trauma, so i always enjoy letting her explore her sexuality with other muses. 
·         PLOT  /  MEMES: i absolutely love plotting. i love plotting so much, like it honestly gives me so much joy to yell at people on discord about our muses and just take an idea and spin it into something so much bigger. i like memes too, but i feel like sometimes i get anxious from them just sitting in my inbox even tho there’s technically no rush or obligation to even answer the memes. it’s a weird thing, but memes are def a good way to break the ice sometimes. i wish i was able to send more memes out to people, but it’s hard to find time to sit down and scroll through the memes to find a good one to send to people :pensive: 
tagged by: @madamhatter​ ( weeps this was from ages ago!!!! )
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dragoncharming · 2 years
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su xiyan lives au
doesn’t change much from shen qingqiu’s perspective until the immortal conference
su xiyan slips unconscious after ensuring luo binghe is safely away on his lil boat. she doesn’t die since the cold slows her heart rate enough, but she’s out of commission long enough to lose track of lbh. with keeping under the radar of haun hua palace and canvassing the whole riverbank, eventually she finds the fisherman who found him but they sent him off with a merchant who has a sister who wants a kid but by then he’s long gone. since she knows he’s safe, she realizes this is more of a marathon than a sprint and decides to get backup.
it’s hard not to hear the story of the entire cultivation world uniting against a horrific demon lord, so it’s very clear to her that she has very few options. she finds tianlang-jun after he’s been imprisoned for only about six months. the impression i get of su xiyan is that she’s not going to tell him everything at once, so it’s a while into the process of her getting him out that it even comes up that she was poisoned.
there are two ways she could get him out. 1) she spends months slowly unraveling the layers and layers keeping him imprisoned. maybe she trusts wu chen enough to ask for some advice. 2) she’s v familiar w bai lu and knows about the mushroom and grows both of them new bodies to give them new faces which also helps w the longer campaign. i think regardless of how she gets tianlang-jun out, we might as well say she makes herself a new face so she can operate.
to keep him distracted during this whole process, su xiyan asks tianlang-jun to start working on a piece of her longer plan: a romantic epic of their story w the serial numbers filed off. she needs to start seeding the downfall of the palace master and the tragedy of a beautiful princess who was lured away as her noble father set a trap for the man she loved. i have this image of tianlang-jun reciting his latest version and su xiyan edits a couple words while she’s directing zhuzhi-lang ‘just another step to the left. perfect.’
next step is starting her own sect. this lets her recruit people to her cause, siphon potential disciples from huan hua palace, travel around looking for promising young kids around the age lbh would be now. we know she doesn’t find him, but she definitely poaches gongyi xiao. (and if i am personally delighted by him being zhuzhi-lang’s shidi, that’s just a little treat for me.)
the first hint that sqq has that something is weird is around the immortal conference when he’s expecting to find gongyi xiao listed for huan hua palace, but instead it’s some podunk sect he’s never heard of. huan hua palace is still hosting the conference, but there’s a tone of them compensating. over a decade of sustained whisper campaigns has done damage to their reputation and they’re trying to cover by being generous~. what sqq does notice but doesn’t give any thought to is that small sect leader staring when she sees lbh. ofc. he’s the protagonist, every woman stares at him.
zhuzhi-lang still coordinates w mobei-jun to attack the conference to lure all the elders in, but su xiyan doesn’t harbor grudges against the young disciples so the monsters they bring in are specifically shock and awe that aren’t immediately lethal, creatures that trap and knock out people as well as large scary but slow creatures and her disciples protect the people too inexperienced to survive that basic threat while helping scare them more thoroughly to lure the seniors in.
this leads to a confrontation with the palace master. they’re surrounded by a crowd and in the midst of this as he’s turning around, making his case to the community at large he spots lbh, clearly now it’s not thru the crystals, and figures out who he is and tries to attack him. not sure on the specifics, but it ends up with lbh falling into the abyss and su xiyan shouting over her shoulder ‘i want his head myself when we get back!’ and jumping after him. tianlang-jun grabs palace master’s throat. ‘you heard my wife. there can’t be any doubt now about how he attacked an innocent boy. you all saw it yourself.’
shen qingqiu is So Confused. he has been mentally preparing to do something awful, going over the steps of the conference over and over in his mind and everything suddenly slipped out from under his feet. the system dings but doesn’t say anything for a second, as if it’s also confused, and that shakes him out of it. ‘No! he ended up in the abyss! that’s what the task was. you didn’t say i had to be the one who did it.’ which works.
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wachi-delectrico · 2 years
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Hhhh feeling strange...
Finding it hard to reconcile the thoughts that
Not having any kind of sexual and/or romantic partner right now, and
Me being hot and sexy and desirable and deserving of love and affection
Aren't mutually exclusive...
Thinking about how it's fucked me up dependence-wise to having been in a romantic relationship since I was 13 til I was 23... But also thinking that I'd shown emotional dependency problems before that
Thinking about how I thought I was doing fine after ending said relationship, until this thing that happened now made me realize
Mentally I'd gotten over that relationship a long time before I thought of breaking it up
Without realizing I accidentally ended up emotionally/sexually attached to this person, and only noticed when I started getting the sense their feelings towards me were fading... Until they confirmed as much and that forced me to really rethink a lot of things (besides like, you know, basically feeling like I got my heart broken before I ever figured out what I wanted my relationship with this person to be like)
And I'm having such a hard time
Being happy around them when something very small happens and reminds me that things can't be like they were before, not even that long ago
Not thinking they must think I'm weird and stupid and excessive and making them uncomfortable by feeling this way, and visibly having a hard time with it
Not worrying about never being able to be calm and happy around them again, and how they don't deserve a friend who feels like that
Not thinking "well, this is how things are now, but maybe in the future we could do that again..." when I know it's not healthy for me to hinge on that thought. If it were to happen, I'd have to be over this first before something like that could be healthy... And who knows if that's something I'd even want. For some reason, the thought of not wanting it in the future is really scary...
And I don't know...
And I keep having to chat with crisis prevention hotlines because I feel so embarrassed about feeling this way; too embarrassed about the idea of my friends finding out and getting upset at me... I'm in this rollercoaster of emotions... One day I'm ok then the next day I'm a crying mess...
People keep saying "ow there's other people out there!" but as a demisexual guy, and a guy with big problems making new friends and acquaintances, I know it'll take me possibly literally years before I make new friends, real friends I talk to consistently, because that's how I work for some reason... And I don't even want to think about other people right now, I want to think about them, but since I shouldn't think about them then I don't want to think about anyone at all...
And it's so hard... And I don't know what else to do...
And my mind ends up in a loop of sadness and guilt and anger towards myself that's making me think of so much harm... And I'm worried about not being able to stop it... But I'm also worried about telling my family, about getting professional help...
And I hate feeling like I'm not allowed to be heartbroken by this happening, because of the weird rules in my brain. Maybe the first step towards healing is accepting I can feel this way...
I just want someone to hug, kiss, share things with, maybe get a little horny, but in a way that goes beyond just friends... I want to share life with someone, really be there for them, have them really be there for me, plan life together... And I don't know what to do with all these feelings and needs that I can't deal with anywhere...
I'm just so sorry for being the way I am and feeling the way I feel... I feel so stupid...
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singtotheskiies · 3 years
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“how are you so perfect?!” // karl jacobs fluff alphabet
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a/n: the mcyt brainrot continues so i am coping with the fluffiest karl hcs my brain can summon,,,,,,, i am affection-starved send help please
summary: a look into the abcs of dating the one and only sweetheart karl jacobs!!! (fluff alphabet template by @snk-warriors)
activities - what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time with them?
karl loves doing literally anything and everything with you; he just loves your presence and company so much!! whether it’s late-night target runs, playing minecraft together, or just collapsing into your arms after a long, late-night stream, being with you instantly lifts his mood.
beauty - what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?
while karl appreciates and adores everything about you, i can definitely see him being a sucker for your eyes. he loves how they sparkle in certain lights, how big and happy they are when you’re looking at him, how they crinkle when you laugh, and how your pretty eyelashes flutter against your cheeks when the two of you cuddle. he often finds himself getting all blushy when you guys maintain prolonged eye contact:)))) i think he’d also love your hands and shoulders too!!
comfort - how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?
karl is no stranger to anxiety and is incredibly empathetic. the combination of these two things makes him the BEST person to have around when you’re not feeling good. if you’re sad, he’ll instinctively know just what to do to put a smile on your face again. he’ll crack stupid jokes or put on music and dance with you—anything to make you happy. if you’re anxious, he’ll talk softly to you and, if you’re feeling up to it, will hold you so you can safely come down from your panicking. he’ll definitely cradle the back of your head with his hand as he holds you close, just breathing with you.
dreams - how do they picture their future with their s/o?
karl is definitely the type to fall hard relatively quickly in a relationship. thinking about the future is sometimes scary for him, but with you in the picture, he finds it less threatening—beautiful, even. he doesn’t know exactly how he wants everything to turn out, but he does know that he wants you by his side through all of it.
equal - are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?
equality in a relationship is INCREDIBLY important to karl. he respects you so much and wants to make sure that your opinions and ideas are heard. the two of you 100% thrive on mutual communication and input.
fight - would they forgive their s/o easily? how do they fight?
i don’t see karl as the type to get upset easily; he’s pretty chill and is very forgiving since he hates conflict. i can see the odd argument popping up if he’s tired or stressed and accidentally snaps at you, but he’d be clinging to you five minutes later and begging for forgiveness (which, of course, you can’t resist giving him—he has an unfair amount of cute privilege).
gratitude - how grateful are they in general? are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?
karl is sweetie #1 and never fails to appreciate the people in his life (or let them know). you could get him a monster from the fridge and he’ll literally pepper your face with kisses while chanting “thank you thank you thank you” like you just saved his life or something. he’s such a cutie and never fails to show you just how much he appreciates everything you do:)))
honesty - do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? or do they share everything?
as i said before, karl thrives on communication. however, he’s often hesitant to tell you when he’s feeling down or upset. even though he knows you probably wouldn’t mind, he doesn’t want to drag you down or burden you with his problems. his tell for feeling down is getting really quiet, so if you notice this, a few gentle questions will get him to open up to you. he’s working on being more open because you always help him feel so much better!!
inspiration - did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? ex: trying out new things or helping them overcome personal problems?
without a doubt, you have both changed each other for the better!! he’s helped you appreciate the little things and the quiet companionship that so many people take for granted. he’s also been a huge constant and has helped you through tough times. you’ve been a huge calming-yet-brilliant force for him and have taught him that good things always come in time. y’all are really an unstoppable pair and mean so much to the other!!
jealousy - do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it?
karl doesn’t get jealous as much as he gets insecure. if he’s feeling uncomfortable, he’ll just get super quiet. after all, who is he to stop you from having fun?? maybe you’re better off with this person in the moment,,,, anyway, you’ll have to make it up to him with a cuddle session and reassuring him about how much you love him between soft head kisses:)))
kiss - are they a good kisser? what was the first kiss like?
karl’s kisses are LOVELY—soft and sweet with his hands gently cupping your cheek or jaw or even holding your own. he just loves being able to feel you and be close to you. the first kiss probably happened during a cuddle session—he would just be so caught up in your presence and softness and scent that his face would move closer to yours without him even trying. you’d make soft, shy eye contact for a brief moment before his mouth met yours. help he’s so cute ajcividiahhdjfd
love confession - how would they confess to their s/o?
god, he’s SUCH a cheeseball—he’d either do it on your birthday, delivered with a shy smile and giant bouquet, or just blurt it out of nowhere at 2am while the two of you are tired and slap-happy out of your minds. either way, he says it with such hushed reverence that your heart forgets how to work for a few minutes. so many kisses after;))))
marriage - do they want to get married? how would they propose? what would the marriage be like?
like i said earlier, karl can get a bit overwhelmed when thinking about the future. however, he does know that he wants the utter joy you bring him every day to keep going. he likes the idea of a small, pretty wedding with the people you’re closest with, but he’s also fine with just enjoying what you have. as long as he gets to be with you he’s happy:)))
nicknames - what do they call their s/o?
i get the vibe that he’d call you by your first initial or “baby” when he wants to be more casual (but he somehow imbues “baby” with so much meaning,,,,, hhhh). uses “sweetie” sometimes and also “honey” after you’ve been in a relationship for a while. basically just uses the absolute CUTEST names,,, they come naturally to him bc he loves you so much:’))
on cloud nine - what are they like when they are in love? is it obvious to others? how do they express their feelings?
it is PAINFULLY obvious that karl’s in love with you. he’s always gushing about you to his mr. beast and minecraft friends, so full of fond stories that everyone groans at so much of a mention of your name (everyone secretly thinks it’s adorable tho). the two of you have had so many people compliment you on how cute of a couple you are—your joking, fond chemistry is palpable.
pda - are they upfront about their relationship? do they brag about their s/o in front of others? or are they rather shy to kiss, etc. when others are watching?
while it’s common knowledge karl’s love language is physical touch, he’s always considerate of your boundaries while the two of you are around others. he’ll likely keep pda to hand holding and an arm slung comfortably over your shoulder. it’s just enough to let you feel each other without being too clingy.
quirk - a random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.
karl is super unselfish—meaning his closet, nail polish—and yes, even his prized monster energy drinks—are also yours. he truly believes that sharing is caring, and it makes him incredibly happy when you’re wearing one of his iconic sweaters or giving him a grateful smile as he hands you half of his taco bell order.
romance - how romantic are they? what would they do to make their s/o happy? cliché or rather creative?
karl is a complete angel and always puts others first, meaning he’s an absolute GOD when it comes to romance. he’s always laughing and joking with you, and he never runs out of fun things for the two of you to do. at the beginning of your relationship, he’ll stick to the tried-and-true formulas of giant teddy bears, chocolate, and shared sweaters. as he gets to know you better, though, he’ll take pride in giving you super personal gifts and crafting special date nights he knows you’ll love. he’s the absolute sweetest:’’))
support - do they help their s/o achieve their goals? do they believe in them?
karl is your biggest fan first and your boyfriend second. he never fails to cheer you on every step of the way and remind you just how incredible you are when you’re struggling. he truly believes you can do anything—he is an angel. an ANGEL.
thrill - do they need to try out new things to spice out their relationship? or do they prefer a certain routine?
the two of you have a happy, comfortable rhythm in your relationship. however, you guys definitely try things together. watching a new cartoon, trying a quirky restaurant, or doing weird challenges with each other on stream never feels too much like stepping out of your comfort zone since the two of you are so in sync. even if something backfires, you’ve got the safety net of the other person to catch you.
understanding - how well do they know their partner? are they empathetic?
karl has incredible amounts of emotional and interpersonal intelligence. he believes in the innate dignity and beauty of all people, and LOVES getting to know every single bit of who you are. he’s completely committed to you, and is the perfect person to help you with whatever you’re going through.
value - how important is the relationship to them? what is its worth in comparison to other things in their life?
he considers your relationship to be the best part of his life. you’ve been with him through so much, and looking back, it’s incredibly clear just how much your presence in his life has changed him for the better. he loves you so much!!!!!
wild card - a random fluff headcanon.
karl often rants happily on and on about his newest cartoon or gaming obsession while the two of you are cuddling. he’s just so cute, and more often than not you’ll end up kissing all over his freckled cheeks and soft hair. he melts into you like a cat and the two of you just breathe the other in with pure contentment:))))) send help y’all are so cute:))))
xoxo - are they very affectionate? do they love to kiss and cuddle?
this goes without saying, but karl is a cuddlebug supreme. if you’re not super into cuddling, he’ll understand but try and ease you into it so that he can love you the way he really wants to!! copious amounts of cuddles, kisses, and affection are central to his ideal relationship.
yearning - how do they cope when they’re missing their partner?
poor karl gets so lonely without you!! you’ll facetime him when you’re gone for even a night, and he’ll pick up wearing one of your sweatshirts. “miss me that much??” you tease, and he can only nod and pout. expect millions of wish you were heres and miss you babys and can’t wait to hug u agains spam texted to you. lots of snapchats of him giving puppy dog eyes to the camera and cuddling stuffed animals will also be sent. he can’t help it—he just adores you and is constantly pouting until you’re back.
zeal - are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? if so, what will they do?
you’re karl’s everything, and he’ll do anything to make sure that your relationship is happy, healthy, and beneficial for both of you. thankfully, though, he’s such a sweetheart that making sure things are running smoothly isn’t much of a task at all!!
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Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 5
Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Pairing: Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader (Gender neutral) Rating: T for language and mentions/references to an (emotionally) abusive relationship. Mild, brief violence. Warnings: TW for referenced emotional abuse, mild TW for possible physical abuse (sorry, angry Dani is not 100% gentle with people she doesn't love-love) Notes: Music for this chapter here. If you're following this story and really want to continue reading, but worry about the TWs for this chapter, just send me an anonymous message and I'll write up an alternative version of this post. It's not something I would do without it being requested, but it's also not a big deal so don't feel like you're bothering me if you want that. Previous Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Tocatta
Chapter 5: Poco a Poco (Italian: Little by little)
Finding a schedule for lessons to follow proved to be an insurmountable task. Consistency was something that Daniela struggled with greatly, even when it came to things that she genuinely cared about. Things like ensuring you lived long enough to entertain her. Instead of working with you to find a balance that worked for both of you, the youngest Dimitrescu daughter seemed intent on doing things in her own time. Little by little. Which would have been fine, if the two of you weren’t restricted by time.
Fate wasn’t entirely unkind, however. There were still a few things that Daniella recalled from her “youth”, bits and pieces of musical theory, the bare basics of reading sheet music. Not having to teach her proper posture or the structure of a piano would save you a little bit of time. On top of that, you had been informed that, somewhere in the castle, there were a few books of sheet music you could borrow. Assuming you were eventually able to find them, that is. So far they had eluded you, but you hadn’t even had much time to search, as you were still expected to perform your usual Maiden-related tasks.
In the end, it was Daniela herself that proved to be the biggest obstacle in your way.
“Look,” Daniela said one day, barely ten minutes into a lesson, “I think we should take a break… maybe have some fun?” One of her hands is resting on top of yours, the other tucking your hair behind your ear. There’s a smirk on her lips, unsurprisingly, and she’s mere inches away from kissing you. If not for the heavy threat hanging over your head, you would have already thrown yourself into her arms. Instead, all you can do is sigh, turning away from her as you do. “Don’t be like that, sweet thing. C’mon, no one can hear us right now. Might as well enjoy ourselves.”
“Babe. Darling. Buttercup, honey, cute little button on a bear, you are not the brightest bulb in the lighting department,” you replied, holding the bridge of your nose between two fingers. Instantly Daniela is upset, giving you a (thankfully) playful smack on the arm. Before she can protest more you continue speaking. “Your family would not hear us making out, true, but they would definitely hear us not playing the piano. I’m pretty sure your mother already thinks I’m doomed to fail as a teacher, and the last thing I need is to give her a reason to drop the curtains this early into our performance.”
“First of all, I am not an idiot,” Daniela said, a bit of a growl to her voice. “Secondly, what harm can a few minutes really do? Don’t you think I’ve been working hard enough to earn a little reward?” Now she’s holding a finger under your chin, lifting it up, making sure you’re looking right at her. There’s no dissuading her, it seems, as she leans in for a soft kiss. This was one of the more frustrating aspects of dealing with (courting?) her; communication felt like a one-man play, except the audience was as likely to throw knives as rotten tomatoes. Whenever Daniela acted like this, pushing away your concerns in favor of her pleasure, it felt helpless to try and resist her.
So you kissed back, wrapped your arms around her, and hoped that she’d be more open to compromise afterwards. At least kissing her was nice. Even though it had only been a week since you first kissed her, she was already getting better, evidently learning through experience. The passion behind her movements had grown as well, leaving you a tad breathless. Regardless of her odd perception of romance, and her insistence that she knew best, you found yourself charmed by her. It was scary. Terrifying, really, how you felt yourself falling under her spell. Wait. Hadn’t you been in this sort of situation before?... Staying with someone who wasn’t good for you? Why were you kissing her? Why were you starting to tremble, tears in your eyes, mind falling down a slippery slope of memories?
By the time you snap out of it, you’re sitting on the floor, Daniela awkwardly kneeling by your side. What the fuck? You think, sniffling a little. Head spinning, mind reeling, you struggle to form coherent thoughts. Next to you Daniela is unsure of how to help. But she’s trying, sort of, one hand holding your own, the other gently rubbing your back. She’s saying something, the words going right over your head. Understanding her takes times, focus, like tuning an instrument until the pitch is just right.
“I don’t understand, we were only kissing, what happened? Can you even hear me? Is this your way of tricking me into not making out with you? Because that’s a total dick move and-” she rambles, only stopping when you give her hand a soft squeeze. Then she’s meeting your gaze, looking uncomfortable, shoulders tense. “You’ve been weird for a while. Distant. Like you don’t want to touch me anymore. Don’t you still love me?”
There’s real, honest pain in her eyes when she speaks. If the timing had been different… you’d have thrown your arms around her and covered her face in kisses, promising to hold her onto she felt better, promising that yes you cared. You cared so fucking much. But she’s making you exhausted; every second has to be focused on her, not you. Every moment of concern is flipped around until she’s the victim, or at least the one that needs comforting. You didn’t think that she even realized what she was doing. Well, you hoped that she didn’t, wanted to believe that if she understood she’d change.
“Remember the first day we kissed?... how you pulled me close, and I kissed you harder, and we started…. Remember how I made a move and you pushed me away? I’ll never forget the look on your face. I felt like shit afterwards. I should have asked before I tried anything,” you explain, letting go of Daniela’s hand so you could pull your knees to your chest. Somehow you can’t bring yourself to maintain eye contact with her- not right now, not when you could still remember what it felt like to be on her side of this story. “I don’t want to push your boundaries, or make you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you like that.”
“Oh bullshit,” Daniela snarled, shocking you, before getting to her feet. Confusion doesn’t begin to describe how you feel in the moment as you watch her pace back and forth. Both her hands are clenched into fists, and she’s refusing to look at you. There’s a buzzing sound in the room, faint but growing louder, like she’s a split second away from entering swarm mode. “We’re a couple, aren’t we? Shouldn’t you be able to tell what I want? Shouldn’t it be obvious what I desire, when I’m pinning you to the wall and shoving my tongue down your throat? What more do you require?”
“Holy shit, Dani, I know communication isn’t your forte, but have you really not even considered talking to me? That’s simple, easy, literally the first thing that should come to mind!” You snapped, too in disbelief to keep your voice down. For a moment Daniela stops her pacing, turning to stare at you with narrowed eyes. If you weren’t so mad, you’d be convinced she was ready to kill you. But she doesn’t move to grab her sickle, or otherwise advance on you, instead groaning and tugging on her own hair in frustration.
“Because that’s not romantic, genius!” She replied. Some dots start to connect in your mind, but you lack the full context, as if looking at sheet music with no clefs or time signature. It’s not until Daniela continues that you really understand; and, by extension, realize just how ridiculous this whole mess is. “None of the books I’ve read involve conversations like this. People just… they just love each other! And figure it out as they go along, reading each other’s body language and facial expressions, inferring what they need to know through touches and reactions. Why can’t we do that?”
“This isn’t a fucking book, dumbass! I don’t have powers like you, I can’t just read your mind and figure out what you want. That’s not how relationships work! Communication is key. And you can’t just talk, you have to listen, hard, and understand,” you continued, still on the floor, heart pounding so furiously you thought it might leap from your chest at any moment. As angry as you are, you wonder if you’re being too loud, too angry, wonder if there was a better way to get through to Daniela. Before you can think of a solution the air is ripped from your lungs. Your “partner”/student is grabbing you by the front of your shirt, yanking you to your feet. Instinct makes you struggle against her, as useless as it is.
“I. Told. You. I’m not an idiot!” Her free hand comes up to your face, cupping your cheek for a moment, then pulling away just as fast. When it moves back up she’s gripping onto her sickle. The sharp edge ends up resting against your neck, the slightest movement threatening to cut you open. This is the most Daniela has ever openly threatened you, and in that moment all your anger melts back into fear, tears spilling down your cheeks. A flicker of something shows in her eyes, making you think that even she doesn’t like where this is going. “Give me one reason not to end this right now.”
“... I don’t… I can’t think. I… Why would you?” The words leave you in a rush, even with the pauses, and each syllable makes the sickle press into your skin a little more. There’s sure to be a cut there, though you can’t even begin to estimate how bad it is. The blade is sharp, clearly, and it hardly even hurts as it slices you. Thankfully the sensation doesn’t last long. Once you’re done speaking, Daniela’s grip loosens considerably, hand slowly letting your shirt go. Her other hand takes a few seconds to move, but eventually pulls away without any fuss. For a few seconds she just watches you, eyes filled to the brim with a rich sorrow, mouth open but unmoving.
“No lesson tomorrow. I need a break,” Daniela whispers, barely audible. Then she’s dusting herself off, no longer looking at you, and heading towards the exit. Just like the first time you met, she pauses in the doorway. “How’s that for communication, hmm?” When she laughs, it’s empty, forced. Part of you wants to stop her and ask if she’s okay.
Instead, you watch her leave, unspoken words tangling with your tongue until you almost can’t swallow.
Then your feet move, automatically, leading you to the piano. You sit down without thinking. You touch the keys without thinking. When you play, you play without thinking. It’s just a song, the world tells you, and you have no choice but to play. It’s not just a song, you know this, but you can’t think. Can’t argue against the personification of your isolation, or the embodiment of your trauma. All you can do is let yourself get lost in the music, softly, recalling lyrics from a forgotten time.
I’ve been running all my life, trying to find a place to hide ‘Thought that I had settled down, but I guess things are changing now Don’t make me go, don’t make me go Just don’t make me go, this feels like home
As soon as the last note fades out you stand, wordlessly, and leave. Your feet carry you down corridor after corridor, past maidens working, some of whom gasp when they see you. But you don’t stop, not even when you cross paths with Lady Bela, who eyes you with surprising concern. She doesn’t try to stop you, though, and you doubt you would have cared if she had tried. It’s not until you are within your shared room that you finally stop moving. It is there that you sit, shaking, finally pressing a cloth to your neck. Blood stains the fabric, first in just a few dots, then spreading out. There’s not enough to make you fear for your life, but there is enough to make you cry harder. Washing the wound will sting… so you don’t do that. Soon you will have to return to your work, and the thought puts pressure on your skull, summoning an all-too-familiar migraine.
When you close your eyes, you don’t mean to fall asleep, but that is exactly what you do. And when you dream, you do not wish for nightmares. You never do- and fate never denies you their company.
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fairestwriting · 3 years
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slams open your door/ one angst request for a childhood g/n reader with deuce, ace, jack, ruggie and vil coming right up! "if we're still single by 30, let's get married! (for housing benefits lol)" it was a childish promise made in jest, but the boy never forgot. in the end, it ends with unrequited/pining feelings from one/both sides that cant be returned due to bad timing/prior engagements/etc when they reach of age (go hogwild with the scenarios lis!!)
(slams my hands on the table) yes yes yes yes YES i love this trope
+ if you like my writing, you can buy me a ko-fi to support me!
Deuce Spade
You make the promise to him after you confessed to your crush sometime in 7th grade and got rejected, left to cry by yourself behind the school. Out of all your friends, only Deuce came to comfort you -- And so you, in your dramatic childish glory, feeling like you’d never find anyone to love, tell him the two of you should get married if you’re single by 30.
Deuce remembers every detail of that event down to how your eyes gleamed with the tears, how the light of the sunset casted that golden glow on your hair -- It was when he knew he loved you. It took him a while to find the right words to describe the feeling, but he’d been feeling it for a long time.
He doesn’t pursue you because he feels like he’ll grow out of it. You go to NRC together, the two of you against the world, and it’s like everyday he falls in love a little more. You support him through his attempts of being a honors student, and on the day of your graduation, the first thing you do is hug each other tight, cheering about how you made it, you finally made it.
You don’t lose contact with each other even after school. Deuce and you are basically attached to the hip, meeting up every other week to talk about college and then your jobs. Through all of this time you’re friends, both of you go through a handful of relationships each, but none of them are really serious. As you approach 30, Deuce remembers that promise from back then.
When your birthday comes up, you’re sort of gloomy over recent breakup, and Deuce, naturally, is the first one to be there for you. He shows up in the morning with a gift and makes you breakfast, your dear best friend warming your heart once more. You rant about your latest partner and exchange anecdotes about how last week went before everything goes silent, and suddenly his hand is hesitantly on yours.
“D-Do you remember, um.” He begins, face flushed. “That promise we made in middle school? That if we were single until 30...”
You blink. Really, that? It felt like so long ago -- It was hard to remember even. You can barely catch what he was going to try to say before you laugh your middle school self off, snickering at how naive you were -- Something in Deuce seems to shatter, then, and his hand retracts. It’s so fast you can barely tell what’s happening.
And he stays with you through the birthday regardless, of course he does. He’s your dearest friend, isn’t he?
the rest is under the cut cause... its long
Ace Trappola
You hated Ace, initially. You met in kindergarten and he was the worst, literally. Always pulling pranks on everyone and acting just so infuriatingly cheeky, your 5 year old self learned real rage through that little redhead boy who always hid your things just to get a rise out of you.
One day you decided to prank him back, causing massive trouble in the classroom that ends with the two of you getting intensely scolded, and that’s how, somehow, a beautiful friendship blooms. Ace gets this sparkle in his eyes when you’re done getting yelled at, and says that the two of you should be friends and work together on doing this to other people.
Since then you two became inseparable. You’d never stop bickering, but you also never left each other’s side. The two of you were a menace, an absolute terror to your teachers -- Whether you were a good kid before meeting him or not didn’t matter, Ace is great at being a bad influence.
Near the end of 4th grade, you begin hearing about how one of your classmate’s single parent was getting married again. This sparked a big conversation between your class, somehow, with everyone declaring who they wanted to marry. It was a silly childish thing. When your turn comes, you proudly announce that when you grew up, you’d marry Ace if you hadn’t married anyone else by 30, ‘cause no one else would choose him but me! You snicker after making the comment, amused at how mean you were being, but somehow your snarkiness seems to fly over Ace’s head.
It’s a thing that happens that you two never really talk about again, but it ticks in the back of his mind for his whole life as you two grow up. Even entering middle and then high school, he always remembers it when he goes through some sort of romantic disappointment. You really were the only one who always stuck around, after all...
Years go by and somehow you’re still by each other’s side. Every birthday that passes Ace thinks about it a little more, he wonders if that promise from ages ago was true. When your 30th birthday comes up the promise is constantly in his mind, he’s driving himself up the wall with expectation. And he doesn’t even know why he’s feeling like that, really, you two are just childhood friends, right? There’s no reason for him to be feeling so... like this.
Eventually, he just blurts it out, a couple days after said birthday. You two are probably just hanging out and ranting about work when he goes “Hey, you remember that stuff you said in 4th grade? About, uh, us getting married?” And you go silent for a beat. His heart races as he wonders what the hell he’s doing, even.
But you laugh it all off. What, that stuff about marrying you? Yeah, I was such a dumb kid. I was right, though, look how you’re still single, you joke, and it feels like a punch to the gut to Ace. He laughs awkwardly with you. Yeah, sure, how foolish the two of your were for thinking of something like... you two... being together like that...
Jack Howl
Jack was, before everything, the scary boy in your 2nd grade class. Beastmen weren’t exactly common at school, especially wolves like him, so he ended up sticking out quite a lot. Most kids, your friends included, thought he was far too scary to approach. And Jack himself seemed to be fine with that, not really interacting much with anyone.
That was all he was for you until, one day, an older kid gets mad at you during lunch for bumping into them and staining their shirt with juice. They’re about two or three years ahead and so much taller than you, you’re genuinely scared -- And who would know that in a moment like this, the one kid in your class you weren’t very fond of would stand up for you, convincing the bully to go away.
Afterwards, Jack asks if you’re okay, you two end up eating together, and the rest is history. You find out he was actually really sweet, despite seeming so tough, and you get comfortable with it. Jack was always a reliable, loyal friend, someone you knew you could count on.
This included when your friends started being weirded out by you for getting close to the scary boy in class. They get it in their heads that you have a crush on him and tease you for it, which makes you upset, but Jack stands up for you again. This was enough for you to be pretty starry eyed at the age of 7, so you declared that, hey, who cares about what these mean kids are saying! Maybe you and Jack should be together anyway. Actually, if you two got to 30 and you were still single, you should get married! Jack gets just as starry eyed as you, and you seal a pinky promise that day.
What you never knew, though, was that he wouldn’t grow out of it -- Because as time goes by and you two grow up alongside each other, it ends up slipping your mind. You meet new people and learn new things, getting into some relationships here and there, and though you’d taken the promise seriously for a bit when you were a kid, it was just something you laughed about now.
You don’t even remember it on Jack’s 30th birthday. You’re one of the first people to show up to the small gathering, naturally, you had known each other since forever. You’re teasing him about how he was so perpetually single even now, that you were reaching “marriage age”, and this seems to fluster him a bit.
“Well...” He starts, his ears going slightly limp. “I wanted... to keep that promise, you know. From when we were kids.” His voice is quiet, uncertain. It’s different from how you usually hear him talk, and you have no idea what he’s talking about. You question him about it, and he’s wide eyed when he realizes that you actually forgot.
He questions you about it. How could you forget? You two actually made a pinky promise about it -- But you’re just confused as to why he’s bringing this up, saying that of course it wasn’t a big deal, you two were just kids when it happened! Was he really expecting something from that? And when you ask him that, he’s silent.
Needless to say, the birthday is soured. Jack asks for you to leave, it’s a mess. You don’t know what you did wrong, exactly, just like you’re not sure how you could possibly fix this.
Ruggie Bucchi
“Partners in crime” was the only possible way to describe what sort of relationship you had with Ruggie. It starts in elementary school, you’re walking around in a farmer’s market near the slums and you catch him taking a handful of apples from a stand, without paying. Your eyes are wide as you remember who that boy was, a classmate of yours, and despite what your family had taught you about stealing, you walk up to the person taking care of the stand, and start chatting with them to distract them.
You’re not sure what really made you want to help this boy you barely knew, but it turned out to be the one thing in your life you’re the most grateful for, because the next day, when he sees you again in class, he runs up to you to thank you so many times in a row. And since then, you two started spending time together.
And you got along so well! Ruggie got along with most of the other kids and you had some friends of your own, but nothing was compared to how close the two of you were. You two scheme your way in and out of trouble through your school days, and at one point you can barely imagine your life without him.
Sometime mid 6th grade, your classmates start talking of crushes and dating and such, which gives you a lot to think about. You’re a bit upset that you seem to be the only one who isn’t in on the new fun, so one day, when you’re hanging out with Ruggie, you complain about feeling like you’d be single forever. Ruggie laughs and says that if no one wanted to be with you, then no one would want to be with him either. You still wonder what that meant.
In a fit of childishness, you say decisively that if you two were single until you were 30, you’d get married. Looking back on it, you can’t tell if you were kidding or not, but Ruggie and you shake hands mid-laughs, like you’re sealing a deal.
So time goes by. You don’t think too hard about that promise and Ruggie... doesn’t seem to, either, you actually wonder what’s going through his head often, because he rarely tells you what he’s thinking. You end up going to NRC together, to both of your families’ joy, and that just ends up making you closer, as two kids from the less-privileged side of the Afterglow Savannah in such a prestigious academy...
Your bond ends up really fire-forged after those four years, so it’s no surprise to anyone that you’d still be close even after you graduate, even as adults. Nothing could break a friendship like this.
You think about it on the day of your 30th birthday, when you’re out for drinks with Ruggie to celebrate. Really, how the hell did you stick to each other’s side for so long? You ask him as you loop an arm around his neck, and he grins. “Well, maybe we should get married like you promised then, y’know... when we were brats.” He says, a little quieter than your previous conversation. There’s a hint of some kind of different feeling there that you don’t catch at the time, scoffing at him and going, yeah, in your dreams.
The rest of the night goes normally, though you don’t hear from him for a couple days afterward... and when you do, he barely looks you in the eye. You wonder if anything bad happened, if you did anything wrong.
Vil Schoenheit
When Vil Schoenheit moved into your town, everybody was talking about him before he even really set foot into the classroom. Everyone had seen him somewhere -- The poster boy of villainy in all your favorite movies, a kid with a pretty face and a haughty aura.
You’re as curious as everyone else to meet him, though you don’t really share that strange vindictiveness the other kids seemed to have, angered at Vil himself for what his characters put others through. It’s so stupid, you thought, isn’t he just the actor? He might actually be nice.
When he arrives into the classroom, people are about as annoying towards him as you expected. Their disdain towards Vil bothered you, he’d barely said anything to others and yet they were already pegging him as a mean, arrogant person. So stupid, you repeat to yourself, and you decide to talk to him normally, and that’s how your ages-long friendship came to life.
Vil wasn’t like anyone you’d ever met. You come to find that he’s rather haughty, yes, and very strict with pretty much everything, but he was also very kind deep down, and willing to help you with anything you needed. He was a good friend. He was also, as you came to find out as you grew a little more, astoundingly pretty. With people disliking his “villainy” or not, by the time you’re starting middle school, he already consistently gets confessed to.
You’re a bit jealous. Not because you wanted Vil for yourself, no, he was just a good friend, but you wished people would find you as attractive as they found him, sometimes. You express that to him when you’re walking home together one day, and he laughs it off, saying it wasn’t as good as you thought it’d be. Still, you make him promise that if you were single by 30, he’d have to marry you, because if he just let you die alone, he’d be a bad friend. Vil seems strangely mesmerized by that, but he agrees.
Time goes by, you get to watch each other grow. Even with all the people going in and out of Vil’s life, he seems to keep you closer to his heart than everyone, and you never really lose contact with each other. Even when he’s busy, with movies or modeling or school, he still makes time to check up on you, and you see each other often.
When you’re actually nearing 30, Vil has reached a sort of stardom that burned your eyes just looking at, and you were so goddamn proud of him it was real. Somehow, he still makes time to show up for your birthday, after about a month of not really seeing each other -- And he spoils you to death on that day, the two of you spending all of it together and talking until it was late at night.
As the sun is about to rise, though, Vil’s chattiness subsides. About as sleep deprived as you, he says, softly “So since we’ve gotten there, and we’re both still single... maybe we should fulfill that promise from years ago, shouldn’t we?” You take a moment to process it, it’s tough remembering exactly when you made such a promise, but eventually you do. You feel like that should’ve been a joke, but the way Vil looks at you isn’t saying joke at all.
You sort of laugh it off either way, though. What, that silly promise? You ask, are you rubbing it in that you’re prettier than me? I can still find a partner looking like this, y’know. You think it’s funny, but Vil suddenly falls completely silent.
He then sighs, almost wistful, and says “Sure you can” before the conversation progresses... you’re not sure what happened, but life goes on after that like nothing happened. Deep down, Vil is feeling stupid for having taken the promise to heart, like he should have known better... but if you never really meant it, then what could he do but give it up? Even though it was the thing he wanted to do the least... he valued your friendship too much to do something that could possibly ruin it.
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sweethq · 4 years
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♡ fem!so who seems intimidating but is just shy // headcanon
❝omg hey! i love your writing and your texting fics! i was wondering if you could write headcanons of tsukishima, sugawara, tendou, and kuroo with a fem!s/o who seems really intimidating but she’s actually just really shy? thank you so much!❞
✧・゚: *✧・゚:* requested by: @chopstickcamewithalargelomein​ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧
𑁍 Characters: Tsukishima Kei, Sugawara Kōshi, Tendou Satori, Kuroo Testurō
»»—Trigger warning(s): none—-««
➶ Genre: hmmm fluff?
-ˏˋ A/N: Thank you for the request, love! I’m glad you enjoy my writing and texting fics! I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted......ˊˎ-
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wow what a powerful couple
tsukishima himself is intimidating, but add you to his side, you guys are basically untouchable
you had this kind of reputation even before you guys started dating
when people would try and talk to you, you would kinda just stare at them and not respond lol
not because you want to be rude or intimidating or anything, you just don’t know what to say
you’ve never been the best with being vocal
because of this, people thought of you to be as cold as ice and to not be messed with
people would tend to avoid you when you walked through the halls or give you short glances when they thought you weren’t looking
what people didn’t know is that you’re incredibly shy and have a hard time opening up to people
you were a little hurt in the beginning just because you couldn’t help how you react in those types of situations and the fact that people would say things about you made you sad
the only person in your life who understood you was tsukishima
you met him through your mutual friend, Yamaguchi, and instantly clicked
maybe it was the fact that you both had the same stigma around you at school or maybe it was because of the attraction you each had for one another
it wasn’t a surprise to others when the two of you started dating since they saw you as basically the same person
what did surprise them, however, was how both of you slowly began to open up to others
which is weird because you wouldn’t think that two introverted people could break down each others walls very easily but it happened
he brought out the best in you, and you to him
since you became so comfortable talking to him, it slowly became easier and easier to talk to others (but it did take a lot of time and practice)
you now knew how to properly hold a conversation instead of just blankly staring at the person lol
and since you and tsukishima started dating, he has also began to show his more extraverted side that no one knew he had
at volleyball practice he is a lot more willing to give compliments and ask for feedback, something he got used to after spending time with you
he also sometimes laughs and jokes around with the other members, even Kageyama (although this is still rare)
basically you two have a relationship where you’re able to help each other build up your strengths as well as improve on your weaknesses
he’s so good for you, and even more, you’re good for him
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you poor baby
all you want to do is fit in and have friends but you’re just so shy that people mistake it for something else completely
you like to keep your distance from people and sometimes feel uncomfortable holding a conversation so there’s times where you run quickly walk away just because you have no idea what else to do in that situation and you do not want to be there
soooooo you kinda have an interesting reputation
people are intimidated by you but not because you’re mean or scary, but rather because no one knows anything about you or what you’re feeling in any particular moment
this makes you even more shy and uncomfortable talking to people since everyone also seems to not want to approach you
except for one person
sugawara was in your first and fourth period classes
and oh boy, he sure was curious about the cute girl who never talks
when he heard that there was going to be a group project in your fourth period class, he made sure to ask the teacher to make you his partner
he’s just so charming that the teacher does whatever he says??
after spending so much time together, you were able to come out of your shell around him
he was the only person that you felt comfortable around and felt like you could trust him with anything
before you knew it, you fell for him
and lucky for you, he did the same
people were so confused in the beginning
they still thought of you as the girl who doesn’t want anything to do with anyone so when they find out you’re dating sugawara, an actual prince, they couldn’t believe it
how could someone like suga be with someone who was so different from himself? or so they thought
after spending more time by suga’s side in public, the sweet and caring personality that usually only he saw started to shine in other places
he likes to introduce you to new people, knowing that you really want to make more friends but are too scared to do it by yourself
the biggest step in your relationship was when you met the rest of the volleyball club
these were the people that are the most important to suga, so the thought of them not liking you or feeling intimidated by you made you incredibly nervous
luckily for you, they are a group of the most chill and understanding boys
they instantly welcomed you to their family and fully supported your relationship
being with suga allowed you to come out of your shell not only to him, but to everyone
although you’re still a relatively shy person, the stigma people once had about you no longer exists thanks to suga
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poor boy knows what its like to be an outcast, i mean, kids were pretty mean to him when he was younger
soooo when he saw this cute girl in his class who didn’t seem to interact with anyone, he was intrigued
your sheltered demenour reminded him of himself in his younger days when the kids didn’t want to play volleyball with him; it reminded him of the feeling of not belonging
he knew the feeling all too well, but also knew that one person could change that for you
and he quickly decided that he was going to be that person
after what felt like a million years, you eventually let tendou inside and shared some of your deepest secrets and biggest insecurities; one of them being your extremely shy personality
as your relationship with tendou turned from a platonic one to a romantic one, he was able to help you blossom more than you ever thought possible
he didn’t necessarily help you bring out your more extraverted side, but rather helped you become more confident in who you already were as a person
people had always given you weird looks, thinking that you were so strange to not peep a word to anyone throughout basically your entire high school career
and it sure didn’t stop, even after you started dating tendou
but he was always so supportive and reassuring, and showed you that other people’s opinions about you don’t matter
who cares if people are intimidated by you because you’re shy??
as long as you’re comfortable with the person that you are and you’re happy, who gives a damn??
not to mention that he never fails to mention how much he adores you and your shy personality
and the whole shiratorizawa volleyball club loves you and is happy that tendou has you and vice versa
basically tendou allowed you to see yourself in a different light and show you that you’re perfect the way you are, no matter what anyone else thinks
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i imagine him to react to this situation similar to the way tendou did even though they had different childhoods
kuroo only had two close friends growing up (you and kenma), but he didn’t really feel like an outcast and even if he did, he didn’t really care
he always kinda had the “who cares what other people think” kind of attitude, which is what he always stood by
since this was the only ideology that he knew, he was super confused when you would start telling him about how you were sad because people at school found you intimidating even though you’re just incredibly shy
he didn’t understand the logic of being affected by the words of other people who don’t even know you
nonetheless, he comforted you and continued to tell you all the things he loves most about you
and even accidentally slipped a confession in there oops
this man really has a way with words
so after the two of your started dating and he was able to actually tell you how he feels about you, he nEVER STOPS
like he’s so whipped for you and thinks you’re too perfect, so when others start making you feel uncomfortable with who you are, it makes him want to explode
he makes it a point to tell you every single day that he loves you for who you are and that he would never want you to change because of what others might say or feel
just wants you to love yourself and feel more confident in your skin
eventually you do become more confident in who you are, especially with kuroo always by your side, giving you loads of encouragement
you’re able to smile and joke around more when you’re in school, which makes people feel less intimidated when they see you actually express emotions lol
you’re just thankful that you have kuroo to show you unconditional love and even teach you to love yourself
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doloresdraws · 3 years
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I am slowly filling this OC question meme with all my WoD characters and it is a lot of fun, but also very exhausting.
Here is your chance to get to know more about Stanley, my sewer goblin Nosferatu boy ❤ ❤ ❤
❤ There is also a video process of this painting on my Youtube channel ❤
1) Stanley rarely gets angry, when he is supposed to be angry he instead get anxious and either starts to talk nonsense or stays silent.
2) He finds the idea lovely, but he knows that he will never meet anyone he could call a soulmate
3) More than being a pet peeve it just really makes him uncomfortable: when people are loudly shouting at him or at someone else.
4) He often thinks about his early childhood before he was seprated from his baby sister.
5) Probably the time he spent in the hospital before he found out about the Nosferatu and became their ghoul. Before that incident, he was feeling safe, taken care of and loved having a routine, knowing the place well and always looked forward to visits from his sister.
6) When he was separated from his sister and put into different foster homes.
7) He wouldn’t even go to a bar, too many people and too loud for his taste.
8) He was pretty badly beaten up when he was  living on the street, but nothing was ever broken. After the Embrace he made Maks (his Sire) pretty unhappy a few times which resulted in him getting a few broken ribs. He tries to stay away from danger, but sometimes it doesn’t work out.
9) He would like to forget finding a dead woman’s body in the sewers.
10) His happiest memory is playing peek-a-boo with his sister in the driveway, he was oblivious about the world and his future. Life was good at that moment.
11) No, he doesn’t. His type is everyone who would treat him nice and made him feel safe :) He currently has a woman he got kinda attached to, only because she was nice to him when he accidentally bumped into her on the street. He had a hoodie over his face and it was dark. She thought he was a homeless kid. She helped him gather all of the small trinkets he dropped in the collision and he was captivated by her kindness, so he followed her home XD
12) Many – he has a collection of various random things he found in the sewers, he collects everything that catches his attention – mainly some personal things like rings, bracelettes, scrunchies, he even found a photo album. He remembers the exact place he found each of his possessions and he likes to imagine stories for each item. He keeps bracelet of the dead woman in case he would one day found out her identity and could return it to her family.
13+14) He has no tattoos or piercings, only way too many fangs in his small mouth that pierce his lips and cheeks XD
15) His dream house would be somewhere where he would be frozen in time as a happy child together with his sister.
16) You would not expect to find out that he is actually not a child, but a grown man, his small and frail stature is deceiving.
17) He has always good intentions with gifts, but he is not the best at choosing gifts XD  He misjudges other people’s interest in smelly, sewer treasures XD
18) He knows he has a great memory, but because it has brought him so much trouble, both internal and external, he isn’t really proud or even happy he has an eidetic memory.
19) A stranger would describe him as a weird, smelly kid who talks too fast XD
20) Someone who spent more time around him and got to know him more (Mateusz) would describe him as a scared, smol man who might look like he can’t even count to ten but is actually very clever, but let others walk all over him because he is afraid of conflict.
21) He, himself is a walking insecurity :) But his biggest one is to not be understood when talking as he normally talks pretty fast, but when he is nervous and considering how many fangs he has it is sometimes hard for him to make sense and then he gets even more agitated as he is worried he will convey the message in a wrong way.
22) Physical: dexterity, non-physical: wits
23) Depends on the nature of the lie, most likely he would just nod and tried to understand the reason why he was lied to.
24) He has fond memories of the summer as when he was on the street, summer nights were warm and he didn’t have to worry about freezing to death. Aside this he is indifferent to the weather.
25) From romantic point of view he never had anyone he could say these words to, in general terms he only said I love you to his sister. He wouldn’t have a problem saying it first, but as a Nossie he knows that chances of him finding someone who would even want to spend time with him are almost none, so he will probably never say it to anyone else.
26) His only issue with openly sharing his worries is his fear of not being believed or worse be punished, so it depends on the person. If he knows that the person won’t get angry at him, he will share his worries.
27) No, he never saw anyone die. But the dead woman in the sewers was the first dead body he saw and he can’t erase the empty look on her face, it haunts him every night. He feels sad for her, being left there nameless, alone, dumped like trash. She surely had family somewhere and maybe they are still looking for her to this day…just like his sister is looking for him…
28) He totally is ticklish, he is very sensitive to touch, mainly because he is not used to be touched at the first place.
29) Very low pain tolerance, he hates being in physical pain and he knows that he now can heal pretty much everything, but it doesn’t take away the fact that he would much rather avoid getting hurt in the first place.
30) He wishes he would have been brave enough to say no to some of the things he is asked to do.
31) He isn’t a particularly messy eater, he mainly feeds on rats, not because of the guilt, but because he thinks that feeding from mortals is very stressful and scary ordeal.
32) Most unloved: when he got stuck obfuscated in the same room as the woman he followed home and unfortunately had to watch her and her date being intimate with each other. Not only he felt innapropriate, but it made him feel so lonely and sad that he never in his life felt so safe with someone to share such closeness and now he never will.
33) When he was reunited with his sister after years apart. Despite her being the younger sibling she   basically took care for him and did everything she could to get his mental health problems under control.
34) He would most likely hate to lose touch as he likes to touch things XD On the other hand he would gladly lost hearing, so he could no longer spy on people :D
35) He likes small talk, because it feels relaxing and he doesn’t have to worry about saying too much.
36) He would have asked Maks if he ever cared about him as a person or if he just considered him a tool, a good asset to have because of his memory skills.
37) To the past, to his early childhood to spend more time as a naive child with the person he cares the most in the world.
38) positive: his sister – she made him feel loved and made him feel like he mattered, the staff and other patients in the hospital – they made him feel safe, cared for and not alone, negative: various people he met while he was on the street, his foster families, and to an extent his biological parents though he didn’t meet with them after.
39) Depends, in the hospital he liked being surrounded by people because they were nice and he felt safe with them, as a Nossie he prefers to be alone because the other Kindred most often than not scare him. He likes to spend time with Jamie (the ghoul that is living in the sewers with them) because of her child-like personality, she seems harmless and he likes that.
40) The scary thing that he had seen in one part of the tunnels one night, nobody believes him but he is pretty sure there is something terriyfing livin there. Aside this probably his Sire Maks, but he had heard that he met Final death.. apparently by Mateusz’s hands of all people…
Stanley © me/doloresdraws
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yesvaldemarharder · 4 years
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Yandere Arcana
Ayo so um.. with 723 followers I really be expecting people for more input on things I should write (requests, ideas, convos, etc) but um.. I guess not? Lol. Anyway since I’m basically writing for like a couple people (people who actually respond to my work cause I like that. If you just like and reblog that’s fine but I still like hearing what people have to say about my work. If your shy don’t be.. I literally don’t judge..) I’ll go ahead and write scenarios for Yandere Arcana. If y’all want more of this just tell me. I was almost tempted to do nsfw lol!
I wanna say that I haven’t played the game enough to finish anyone’s route and while I want to, ya girl broke so picking choices is something I have to wait a while for as well. (The cost on those coins and I can’t even get a Valdemar route??? What type of shit-)
If any of the characters seem ooc I apologize I just really wanted to write this so um.. yeah.
I guess I’ll take the time to part a warning right here: If you don’t like yanderes or anything of the sort I suggest you don’t read this! I would do the ‘below the cut’ thing but I’m all honestly I don’t know how to.. so here ya go!
You have been warned!
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Asra
Asra is a tricky yandere. He knows you well enough to get into your head.
He may take times to keep a distance from you but whenever he messages you or comes back he always makes sure to show you so much affection just so you hopefully don’t question anything.
He’ll act like something to you matters to him, and usually they do matter but if you’re talking about a love interest or something he’ll act supportive but will really be a bit annoyed on the inside.
Depending on your love interest he may get upset or simply will smile and try to ‘help you get them’. Don’t let it be Lucio or Julian.. he’ll be furious.
If he acts like he’s happy to help and your LI disappears then he probably did or didn’t send them somewhere where neither of you two can meet again. Like a portal to a dark cold place or something.
He’s like a snake.. or even a fox. He’s the magician for a reason.
Nadia
Nadia probably won’t even hide how much of a yandere she is.. okay maybe just a little.
She’s the countess, what does she need to hide? She’s also meant to be with you and you’re supposed to love her no matter what. Nadia seems to be a bit of an oblivious yandere. Not aware that what she does for you is rather scary at times.
She showers you in gifts. Some of the cutest clothes just to basically play dress up with you like your some little doll. She doesn’t like it when you turn down a gift and while there’s a couple times she’ll get frustrated in the end she’ll send the gift to you late at night with a sweet not hoping you take it.
While she usually ask for your input against other’s, when it comes to someone who isn’t much use to the palace or her especially sniffing up on you she’ll usually deal with them.. whether banishing them and having them get hunted down throughout the forest like some sort of game.
She can be ruthless, and when she’s really in a bad mood it’s hard for her to listen to anyone. Don’t beg for her not to kill off someone because she most likely will act you didn’t say anything, kiss your forehead, and will proceed with the execution.
Also gets really touchy with you when her sisters are around..
Portia
Portia is usually a very carefree chick but while she can be easygoing she can be rather on guard about you.
It’s not often with you, because she doesn’t want you to know the bad things she’d do for you, but every once in a while she’ll ‘joke’ about killing for you. She’s caring and always makes sure you’re safe so you don’t question it until she actually does it when you have a suspicion that she did it..
Will cry and manipulate you into believing she’s innocent because seeing fear on your face towards her makes her scared. She was just doing what was ‘right’, of course her terminology of right is different from yours tho.. that’s why she lies about not doing it.
You’ll trust her and while you’re still a bit nervous she’ll work on that making sure to check up on you often. Once she gains your trusts back again she grows to be a lot more sneaky.
Rat poison is probably what slipped into the man’s tea after her kept messing with you but who knows?
Julian
Julian can be much like his sister but instead of growing emotional to defend himself he grows serious. It’s so different from his usually jokingly self and reminds you of the red plague times so you can’t help but apologize for accusing him.
He may not have killed Lucio but he’s definitely took a couple people out for you. Most unintentionally but still did it anyway. That guy couldn’t swim and Julian simply didn’t hear him crying for help.. it’s okay though cause you did say he had a weird vibe about him anyway, obviously Julian agreed.
He can be clingy, needy, and touchy. If you don’t know about the yandere in him you love it and you loving it just manages to feed it more. If you do know about it and you’re scared he uses his touches to try and calm you down. To have you let your guard down.
He’ll use his self hate against you for many different reasons now. While he does hate himself he found that you usually encourage him or try to make him feel better after he talks about himself too much. He’ll use it on you to stop you from running away from him because your morals are far better than his at this point and he knows you’ll stay to try and help him.
When you find out that he’s been killing people you’re terrified and even though you know you should runaway and leave.. you also can’t help but want to help him.
What if he’s actually innocent like he was with Lucio? (Definitely not.) What if the depression got so bad and he couldn’t help himself? He needed help and only you could help him.
He’ll chuckle sometimes at how cute and silly you are. With how he is he knows you won’t be going anywhere and he’s perfectly fine with that because had you did think of running away he’d just chase you down and use he’s depression against you to make you feel bad for leaving and to bring you back to him.
Lucio
The coliseum was made for a reason... Lucio likes a good fight and anyone touching you, speaking with you, or even looking at you can make him want to have one.
If it isn’t a physical fight it’s a fight with words (which he isn’t that good at but his smugness makes it pay off)
He’s a hopeless romantic type of yandere and unlike his wife he actually doesn’t recognize or acknowledge the bad sides of himself. He either doesn’t to face them or actually thinks cutting that servants throat for huffing in your presence was justified.
You honestly can’t tell but hey, you’re scared. He’s a Count though... THE Count.. if he’s your yandere it’s going to be hard to get away from him without getting hunted down. He’ll make sure to keep an eye on you. (much like Nadia)
He’ll lock down the whole palace if it means keeping you in place. If you do manage to escape he’ll be highly impressed honestly before he’s goes hunting you down. When he finds you he’ll make sure the palace is locked down a lot tighter then it has been before.
Muriel
He definitely starts out as a silent stalker type. Muriel isn’t really attracted to anyone before you and even though he is interested in you he makes you come to him.
I believe he’s actually one of the nicer yanderes but he does have his moments of being possessive.
He doesn’t want to hurt anyone unless it’s absolutely needed.. wouldn’t want to kill anyone for something silly.. of course not.
Ok! I’m at the courtiers! Now these ones might be sadder because I have a lot of headcanons for them. Mainly the horsemen and I do believe Valerius doesn’t have much story on him either so yeah.
Volta
Volta’s an absolute sweetheart. Tis is all.
Nah I’m fucking with y’all, it’s a yandere post.. anyway while Volta is a sweetheart she can’t help but be a bit possessive over you. Unlike the other courtiers her emotions come out a lot more and with her past she never thought she find someone like you.
Now that she has though it’s hard to separate the two of you..
She clings to you, cry for you when you’re gone for too long, feeds you if she’s really into you..
People don’t really see her as a threat and that’s only until she threatens to eat them.. when she gets like that people make sure to leave you be because the really aren’t sure if Volta will actually do it but with that bright playful but warning look in her eyes they don’t want to put it past her.
Vlastomil
Vlastomil kinda has that same oblivious energy in him as Lucio or Nadia however it may seem like he doesn’t know what he’s doing is wrong but he really does.
He’s a demon, he knows how to play with humans but the thing is what he does is just him trying to understand himself better. Before you he only cared about his worm and now you were here.
He pretty much treats you like he treats Wriggler.. you’re very dear to him and let anything happen to you he’ll make sure everyone around knows how he feels. Whether it’s crying, shouting or simply anxiously looking for you.
He fears with other humans you’ll either get taken from him or get hurt but them and neither one of those are things he’s ok with obviously.
He’s a tricky demon, he may trick you into believing his morals verses your own.
“I love you dear! That’s why he has to go.. you don’t want him to hurt you yes?” He’ll manage to make you believe that everything he does is for you. If you have any sort of trauma he might even use that against you so be extra careful.
Valerius
I can see Valerius being much like Muriel but worse. He likes to stalk and watch you from afar until he can figure what’s the best route to take and going about getting to you.
He’s almost relieved you come to him first. The relationship is rather.. bumpy. At times he’ll be grumpy for no reason and sometimes you can get tired of that but anytime you threaten to leave him he gets you into bed a second faster and distracts you.
I can see him either being a good or bad yandere.. there’s no in between. Either he knows exactly how to keep you to himself or he struggles doing so which only frustrates you. You can say he takes some of that frustration out on you but he tries not to because the last thing he needs in to tell Lucio you ran off and have a bunch of guards chase you down.
Oh that’s right, Lucio helps him when it comes to reeling you in and keeping you their. It’s scary but how are yo to go against the Count and his Consul?
Valerius might say some really cruel things to you to make you stay. He doesn’t want to even think about you leaving him. The second he saw you was the same second he fell for you. He might question his own emotions a lot but after a while of simply stalking or having other people stalk you and report back to him, he can tell it is you that he wants.
Vulgora
Vulgora is one of the bad ones you can get. Their aggressiveness and bluntness can be scary so when you need to escape them not many will be willing to help you. Many might even be on their side out of fear of what the war demon can do.
I feel like Vulgora is one of these two yandere types if not both.
Either the type that uses anger as a way to express themselves even if they don’t want to. Like, they care very deeply about you but they are one of the courtiers who don’t understand these emotions.. it frustrates them to not understand and it makes them angry. They try not to take that anger out on you and usually ends it with taking the life of a mortal.. or a couple considering one isn’t enough.
The other type is the yandere who can’t hold their temper and simply wants you because they can have you. It’s a possessive thing.. no one can have you but them.
They won’t hesitate in killing for you and if you ask or grow scared they would try to say they didn’t do it. They’ll be honest. What are you going to do about it.. fight them? Leave them? Oh darling they believe you’re too smart to do something stupid like either one of those..
They’ll leave their mark on you, usually biting because even if there’s very few beings with teeth like theirs in the palace everyone know the deep marks belong to someone dangerous and usually people put a distance with you.
People might be scared of you for simply being trapped and stuck with them. Poor thing..
Valdemar
Go ahead and just pass away sis, we ain’t making it away from this one..
In all honesty Valdemar might be the worse yandere out of this group. Vulgora following after as well as Lucio, Vlastomil, and maybe Julian..
Now it’s either they don’t care about your feelings at all and well make sure you know it or they care far too much to let you out of their sight. Valdemar might be persistent to test on you and might do it even if you don’t want to but also they might grow worried about your safety if they do do it.
You’re like their precious little specimen and no matter what you do they are always watching. You can’t even escape them after death because they are death. There’s simply no escape.
It’s been centuries since they’ve felt as strongly for someone as they did you and that person didn’t make it to where they are now.. they refuse to let that happen again..
If you try to run from them they’ll have beings chase you, they’ll make you run for your life and when you come crying for help they’ll cackle in your face. They want you to know you can’t live without them and once that’s drilled into your head they’ll never allow you to ever get away.
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whoistheasshole · 3 years
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How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?
Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.
I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.
Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.
Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?
First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...
... let’s talk about the „later“ now.
I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.
It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.
Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.
This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).
So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.
Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.
I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.
While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?
Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.
So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?
You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.
How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?
If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.
Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).
Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)
If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.
If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.
Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.
For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.
Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.
To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.
Speaking of which...
The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)
It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.
And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.
To sum it up:
1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.
2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.
3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.
4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.
And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)
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horansqueen · 3 years
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Stuck With You - Chapter 38
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Chapter 38: Stuck With You
🡪chapter 1  🡪chapter 2  🡪chapter 3  🡪chapter 4  🡪chapter 5  🡪chapter 6  🡪chapter 7  🡪chapter 8  🡪chapter 9  🡪chapter 10  🡪chapter 11 🡪chapter 12 🡪chapter 13 🡪chapter 14 🡪chapter 15 🡪chapter 16 🡪chapter 17 🡪chapter 18 🡪chapter 19 🡪chapter 20 🡪chapter 21 🡪chapter 22 🡪chapter 23 🡪chapter 24 🡪chapter 25 🡪chapter 26 🡪chapter 27 🡪chapter 28 🡪chapter 29 🡪chapter 30 🡪chapter 31 🡪chapter 32  🡪chapter 33 🡪chapter 34 🡪chapter 35 🡪chapter 36 🡪chapter 37
College Enemies To Lovers AU
characters // masterlist // instagrams // mood board
I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you  In the eye of the tornado Rowing in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you
Gotta go with the flow And ride the wave right where we're supposed to Yeah, we can go through all the highs and lows Yeah, life's a crazy roller coaster
click here to be on the update list
NIALL
                                              We were lucky enough to find a store still open, buying everything she needed to snowboard before renting more equipment. I looked at her getting ready with a small smile and tried not to chuckle. She was endearing, and the fact that she was ready to try this just for me meant a lot and also proved a lot.
"Shit, I forgot my phone!" she let out, rolling her eyes and making me raise my eyebrows.
"Do you really need it right now?" I asked with a chuckle. "I have mine." I patted my shirt pocket and grimaced immediately, letting out a groan. "Fuck, I forgot mine too."
"Do you really need it right now?" she teased with a grin, making me smile more.
"Yes, one of us has to have one, just in case something happens." I took my gloves off and put them on the couch next to her. "Wait for me okay? I'll do quick."
She nodded and I looked around, realizing the place was more quiet than I thought it would be. I rushed to the hall and took the elevator, running to our room and walking in. The light was still on and I grabbed my phone on the nightstand where I left it but finally decided to search for hers, too. It took me about a minute to notice it on the desk placed against the wall and grabbed it, turning around to leave, before something caught my attention.
I frowned, recognizing the back of my head on a picture, and took it in my hand to look at it better. My eyes quickly roamed on my shoulder, neck and hair but when they stopped on Devon's forehead and hair, I held my breath. My fingers were slipped in it and my heart started thumping in my chest. I remembered exactly how I felt at that moment, how deep inside her I was, how her lips parted in pleasure. It was the very first time we ever had sex and looking at that picture made me realize we would always have something to remind us of this moment, something that would always bring many emotions inside me, including lust and love. I already loved her at that moment and I wanted to believe she did too.
I ran my finger on the part of her forehead I could see and sighed. It was still not completely clear between us, I knew we had a lot of things to talk about, but I was not sure what exactly stopped her from giving us a chance. I loved her, and she loved me, and obviously, we had been been through bad relationships and I was sure that neither of us would want the other to suffer again the way we had before. Besides, it was totally different. Abby didn't love me and I was pretty sure Henry didn't really love her either.
I couldn't believe she had brought the pictures with her and it made me wonder why she never showed them to me. She had talent to take pictures, there was no doubt about it, but this picture had probably turned out that good mostly because of luck. She couldn't have put much thought into it, giving the position she was in, but the result was incredible and something twisted in my stomach as I looked at it. I didn't know if other people beside us would be able to feel all the emotions that emanated from it but at the same time, I didn't really care. I liked to think we were the only ones who could understand, the only ones who could really feel deeply about it because of how involved we were. It was even slightly scary to know that some people could look at it without understanding the degree of intimacy in it.
I was about to put the picture back on the desk where I found it when the light of the room reflected something behind it. I turned it around and read the words written quickly at first and then slowly the second time. It was Devon's handwriting and I immediately recognized the second part she had scribbled. My heart skipped a beat as I re-read my own lyrics of the song I had written for her and I shook my head slightly. She had an incredible memory and it made the left corner of my lips raise in a small smile. I went back to the first part and my smile fell when I realized she had written an actual verse for my song.
"Darlin', are you always tryin' to blame me? Is it me or 'cause you came here? Just accept that time was wrong Oh, change thee I've been thinkin' bout it lately We never finished what we started Now I'm fearful that it's gone."
I sang it in my head a few times before doing it out loud but still very low. It fitted perfectly and I sighed, my eyes still roaming on the words. It was amazing to think we sort of wrote a song together and I loved knowing that each verse was the point of view of one of us. Did she know the song was about her? That thought made my heart jump in my chest before I rolled my eyes and let out a chuckle. It was not a secret that I loved her, not anymore, and it was a good thing. I wasted so much time trying to hate her even though I knew it was impossible.
I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture of the lyrics she wrote but also of the picture she took to be able to look at it whenever I wanted and finally checked my watch. I had been gone for a while and I rushed out, reaching the elevator as fast as I could. When I walked back to her, she was sitting on the couch, her head leaned on the back and her lips parted. I could hear her snore lightly and I chuckled, shaking my head.
"Devie, hey." I said softly, bending down to shake her gently and making her whimper. "Wake up."
She groaned and sat up quickly, rubbing her eyes and letting out a sigh. She was cute when she slept and I waited a few seconds until her eyes fluttered open to talk again.
"Come on, we only have time for a few basic things."
She got up but almost tripped and I held her, chuckling again.
"You okay?" I asked, moving my face a bit closer to look at her.
She sent me a small smile and nodded. "Yea sorry, just give me a few minutes to wake up completely." she licked her lips and finally raised her eyebrows. "Hey, what took you so long?"
"Oh, I couldn't find your phone." I half-lied, searching my pocket and handing it to her. "I put it in a plastic bag for you, just in case you drop it in the snow or something."
Her head tilted and she sent me a fond smile before pressing her lips together. I felt my heart skip a beat when she moved closer but she stopped herself suddenly. "Thank you."
I wanted her to kiss me. I wanted her to do it first, for once. It seemed like I was always the one who made the first move no matter what we did, especially when it came to something romantic. Maybe she's had had a few initiatives when it came to sex but somehow, whenever it was about love, she seemed reluctant.
"You're welcome." I whispered, fighting the urge I had to kiss her.
We grabbed our stuff and walked outside. I saw her shiver next to me when a whiff of cold air hit us but she still followed me to a very small slope. I tried to show her the basics but she was clearly scared to hurt herself and I finally sat next to her in the snow after she fell.
"How about we go a bit higher?" I proposed, smiling gently when I saw the alarmed expression on her face. "I'll be there with you, okay?"
It took her about a minute to answer. Her eyes roamed on my face and once again, I thought she was going to kiss me and my eyes dropped to her lips. She probably noticed because she licked them nervously and my gaze moved back to her eyes.
"Okay."
I helped her up and we walked slowly to the chairlift in silence. I kept glancing at her and she did the same but it's only when we were half-way there, completely up in the air that everything stopped. My heart jumped in my chest and my eyes got bigger when I realized we were stuck and I swallowed hard, turning to her as she did the same. Her lips curled a bit and she burst into laughing, throwing her head back and making my lips curl.
"It's good luck, remember?" she pointed out, smiling more. "That's what you said!"
"I still think that!" I laughed with her, taking my gloves off to grab my phone. "I'll text Lewis, I know he's near his phone. He can inform them and they'll come get us."
I typed something quickly and sent it, my eyes stuck to the screen until I got an answer from my friend that simply consisted of a laughing emoji and a thumb up.
"It's weird isn't it?" I finally said after a few minutes of silence. "How we always get stuck together somewhere when we have something to solve."
She turned her head my way and tilted it, sending me a small but curious frown. "We have something to solve?"
I turned my body as much as I could to face her and shook my head, my eyebrows raised. "Yes we do. Devie, why don't you want me to say you're my girlfriend?"
"We.. We didn't even discuss it."
"We are now." I pointed out with a sigh. "You said you loved me, we made love this afternoon. I didn't tell our friends because I saw how you reacted when I said the 'g' word this morning in the closet but, what do I have to do?"
"You don't get it."
"No! No I don't!"
I was trying to keep my cool but I wanted her to open up to me, I needed it. I needed her and I needed to be with her. It sounded obsessed, it was intense, but It was driving me crazy to know how she felt without being able to really be with her.
"I do love you! I love you so much Niall I don't think you understand!" she let out before breathing in deeply. I saw her tear up and my lips parted slightly. "You remember when you said I moved you? That my art moved you? Henry used to say that too. I know you're not him, but it's not easy for me to put aside all the pain I went through with him just to throw myself in a new relationship. I don't know how you do it. Abby has hurt you so much too and you're just ready to... to jump back into something official and serious with me." She breathed in and I noticed a tear falling down her right cheek. I wanted to reach out to her but I couldn't, I felt paralyzed. "I am nothing special. I am not like the girls you've been with. I am... I am lost, and scared, and scarred! I love you but I'm scared! I'm scared I'll give you everything and that you'll break me the way I was broken before! But I love you so much more than I loved him! I feel so much closer to you than I ever felt to him! And if you... if you leave... When you realize I'm average... or even below..."
I waited a few seconds, staring at her and she sniffed. It was crazy that she kept all that inside for so long, and at the same time, I was so happy she was finally telling me how she feels.
"Are you done yet?" I asked making her look in my eyes again before sending her a small smile. "Devie, I'm scared too. But I love you, I'm in love with you, and I'm ready to take that chance, because being without you is worse than being heartbroken by you. It's ok to love again!"
She sniffed again and pressed her lips together. I brought my hand to her face and brushed my fingertips on her skin, smiling more. "If you shut yourself from feelings, you may make sure that nothing bad happens and that your heart won't be broken, but you also miss all the good things and all the love you could get." I explained in a low tone. "I can't promise you that everything will always be perfect, but I promise I'll keep trying because that's how much I love you. I told you, Devie, you're my main girl. You're the protagonist of this story. No one can take your role. No one."
Her lips curled too and she chuckled before nodding quickly and bending closer to me. She pressed her lips on mine, making me smile too. "I wouldn't want to be stuck here with anyone else." she whispered, making me chuckle before kissing me deeper.
We started laughing against each other's mouth when the chairlift started moving again and finally walked back inside. We were both very cold and we decided to just go back to our room, taking the elevator in silence again. We both got changed into warm clothes and sat in bed together. She leaned her head on my shoulder and moved her legs over mine. I smiled when I saw her warm socks and left a kiss on top of her head.
"That painting you made here the other night..." I started gently, leaning my cheek on top of her head. "It was the first time I saw you paint with light colors. It was beautiful, it looked like a summer sky."
She reached for my hand on her thigh and intertwined our fingers. "All the paintings I made since I arrived here were about you. My art has been about you and my feelings for you, the emotions you made me feel." she explained, surprising me a bit, especially that all my songs were about her. "You make me feel those colors. You make me feel light and clear and warm. You make me feel alive."
"That's not what the painting in our room says, the one you gave me. There's yellow, but there's so much darkness in it. Every time I look at it, I feel horrible for ever making you feel so bad. I'm sorry, Devie."
She moved away slowly to turn around and face me. Her lips curled softly on the left and she licked her lips, shaking her head slightly. "You got it all wrong, Niall." she pointed out gently, raising her eyebrows. "You're not the black in that painting. You're the yellow. You're the light trying to reach me, stopped by my own demons and fears. You're the light in my life, Niall. You've always been the light."
I brought both my hands to her face and cupped her cheeks, kissing her harder than intended. I felt her move closer and straddle me and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her as close to me as possible. "I love you, Devie, I love you so much." I whispered in-between kisses. "Since the first day."
"I love you too." she murmured back, slipping her hands in my hair. "I always have."
----
We got prepared together the next morning and whenever I'd walk near her, I'd pull her close to kiss her lips and she'd giggle or smile. There was something natural in the way we moved together around the room, even in a place we were not used to, and I couldn't help but think it was a proof that we were made for each other. When we were ready, I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, making her twirl around as she started laughing and I walked to the door, bringing her with me. We took the elevator to meet our friends downstairs but when the doors opened, I let go of her hand, not really sure if she had changed her mind. I didn't want to rush her, and I didn't want to lose her either. She glanced at me but still followed me to the main room where all our friends were waiting for us, talking and laughing together.
I turned to look at her as her eyes roamed on everyone and after about a minute, I felt her hand reach mine and grab it tight. It took a few seconds but Lewis finally noticed us, his lips curling into a smirk when he noticed we were holding hands. He hit Louis a bit roughly who just frowned but finally turned to us too before our friends noticed us one by one. I cleared my throat when Louis jumped off the couch with a big smile.
"Fuckin' finally!" he yelled, catching the attention of almost everyone in the room. "That's it? That's official? You two are dating?"
"Yes, it's official." Devon replied loud and clear, surprising everyone.
I noticed Mandy winking at her and squeezed her fingers tighter as Louis walked quickly to us, throwing his arms around my girlfriend's neck and holding her close.
"Took you long enough." he told her with a chuckle as she wrapped her free arm around him. "I'm so happy for you two."
Lewis walked to me to hug me too and then almost everyone followed. I noticed Abby sending me a small and sad smile from afar and I just smiled back gently at her, surprised that she took it so well.
"Okay!" Louis let out, clapping in his hands. "Who's hungry?"
Everyone started talking at the same time and they all decided to go to the restaurant to get some food before starting the day. I stopped Devon as she was following them, pulling on her arm to bring her closer to me and just wrapped my arms around her as she tilted her chin up, sliding her hands on my back.
"So that's it? You're my girlfriend?" I asked with an amused grin, making her smile too.
"Mmhm, I'm ready to try that boyfriend/girlfriend thing with you."
"Are you happy, Devon Eaton?" I whispered low, looking down at her.
Her traits softened and she looked at me fondly, in a way no one else had ever looked at me. "Happier than I've ever been. I love you, Niall Horan."
"Not as much as I love you."
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Ur take on a malec beauty and the beast au please
ugh you got me in a difficult position here because on the one hand, i do love the idea of a beauty and the beast malec au. i just think the idea of a socially isolated person who thinks themself/is perceived as monstruous and who has locked away their heart and doesn't believe they could ever be loved fits magnus like a glove. but on the other hand, i don't want to make magnus, a brown character, animalistic, for obvious reasons. and i can't really think of a way to make him monstruous that doesn't fall into animalization/beastification (both racist tropes) or ableist tropes
so i'm thinking... maybe the spell is just that people are repulsed by him/fear him automatically? like it just creates this horrible almost impossible to ignore repulsive/fear/"fight or flight activating" aura around him for absolutely no reason and makes ppl be repulsed and/or hate him. even if it doesn't change his appearance at all. it's not really a changing or shifting spell, more like a spell of hatred
which like.... i know doesn't sound like anything poc/queer people don't already go through but there is a main difference which is that it makes it impossible to find a community. like even other brown and queer people look at him and feel this... huge disgust and even fear and might even hide and so the isolation is absolutely total and it fucking hurts. and besides it is one thing (a very bad thing) to walk around and have to be on constant alert because you never know if someone is going to be violent, and have to deal with occasional comments and disgusted reactions... it's another to consistently have like, children screaming and people cowering 100% of the time without exception, you know? he's basically living the life ppl with social anxiety think they live and he has nowhere to turn to, no one who understands or who's more likely to actually want to talk to him because of his differences. there's no one to lean on. even the people who love him aren't immune to it, even if of course they are not turning their backs on him
so anyway here are my thoughts: this was totally done by camille lol beacuse the whole backstory about being mean to an elderly lady doesn't fit magnus anyway and also i just like sprinkling camille angst where i can. so after magnus finally got himself free of her and her stupid claws she hexxed him back into isolation. both as punishment (a kinda "if you don't want me, then you have no one" logic) and just to make him more vulnerable because again, abusers want you alone and isolated and away from a support network so you are more dependant on them and more likely to buy into their thwarped logic if they can immerse you in it. so she's just trying to manipulate him into getting back with her, because she wants him and most of all his power
and basically you know the drill, if he doesn't find anyone who will love him romantically until the rose withers yada yada he will die. and again she just wants to make the spell so it constantly drives home how alone he is and how he can't find anyone who will love him (except for her), and make it so he's more and more likely to come back to her as time goes by because then the spell will be broken
(sidenote: camille obviously doesn't actually love him, because anyone who does that to someone doesn't love them. but as the one who cast the spell, she can lift it whenever she wants. so all she has to do is kiss him and lift the spell and be like "see, magnus? who else would love you like this, but me? even after all these years?". and honestly if it had come to that magnus would know she was lying because there is no way this is love, none. but anyway it doesn't come to that, that's just what her plan is)
anyway it still doesn't work because magnus is done and he won't get back to her, and he particularly doesn't want to get back with her after, you know, all this trashfire. and he just sets his jaw and is like "fine" and accepts that he will live however long he still has with his friends and people he loves and away from her, basically
and like gosh sidenote but this would have been so painful for his friends. camille very deliberately made it romantic love because she knows magnus has so many fucking people who love him, but him and the immortal squad have found family dynamics, not romantic ones. so there is nothing they can do even though their love for magnus is just... so real and pure and they hate to see him like this, hate to know that right when he finally got rid of her she made sure he still couldn't go out in the world. especially since magnus has always been so damn sociable, loved to be surrounded by people and to meet them and care for them. but here he is, walking as hidden as he can and with his head down avoiding eye contact because he knows the horror is there and some children run away screaming when they see him
and i just picture this desperate little scene with raphael in particular where he's just like.... "i'll try to kiss you. we have to try" and magnus is all, "my boy, you don't even like kissing, and she was very adamant that it had to be romantic" and raphael is almost in tears like "but i do love you, goddamn it! i should be able to undo this spell" and it's so sweet that he's trying and willing to be in this really awkward position where he kisses (yikes) magnus (which is just weird especially since magnus is kind of a father figure to him) because he's just... so desperate to have him free of her, finally, once and for all, you know?
but obviously it doesn't work, not even with dot, who had a kinda fling with him in the past but doesn't really feel Romantic Love™ for him even though she does love him, it's just... not what the spell requires. and it's unfair as hell and there are lots of tears but just the fact that magnus falls asleep surrounded in a teary cuddle pile after some of the absolute worst kisses of his life because his friends/family love him enough to put themselves in such an uncomfortable position in the hopes of making him free, is enough to make him feel a little better. and the fact that they are still there for him and obviously still love him so fiercely even though looking at him now literally evokes fight or flight instincts in them is already more than anything camille could ever give him. if anything, she's proven how loved magnus is
and that helps him get through it that day and is something he tries to hold unto in the worst days, but still, it's hard and it just... sucks. it's tiring to go out in the street and always have people staring at you and to see the horror in their faces and be so isolated and never really know what might happen, if he will be attacked or harrassed or what exactly will happen. so he isolates himself more and more and soon the only people who ever see him or visit him are his friends. and fuck, do they hate seeing him like this
things settle in a weird kind of way. magnus is still living his life and working as a wizard and etc and in a way the spell even helps him have some more credibility because you know, isolated scary person is kinda what ppl expect from wizards. but he avoids having contact at all costs and mostly sends the potions they request and stuff their way, and the only ppl he sees are his friends unless he absolutely can't avoid going outside. and he's fucking miserable. and every once in a while camille will come back to be like "so, magnus, are you ready to stop with this little tantrum of yours and come back to me now? how is the rose doing, by the way?" because god forbid he catches a break
also it turns out that magnus' adoptive streak becomes even stronger because he is 1- extra lonely; and 2- empathizing more than ever with the outcasts. don't get me wrong, he always has, he's a fucking brown, bi trans man for fuck's sake. we all see ourselves in the stray dogs and lonely people one way or another. but now this is turned up to a thousand, so, you know
so he has one (1) extra kind of contact in his life which is basically with stray animals (particularly cats cuz u know, this is magnus) that he finds around in need of help. they can all leave if they want, but a lot of them stay, particularly the black cats, disabled animals, and others that have a particularly hostile environment outside. you know
(not me again with my very specific hcs about deaf pitbulls who fall in love with my faves but LOOK pitbulls are very sweet and caring animals who don't deserve the fame of monsters that they have and if the idea of one being best friend's with magnus and them having a loving and caring relationship doesn't appeal to you then idk what the fuck to tell you)
this of course doesn't help his image cuz this guy is just going there and collecting black cats and snakes and has a huge pitbull around with him at all times but it's not like it can get any worse so magnus doesn't care, and besides, he can't just leave them out to die in the cold and harrassment of middle ages white ppl who think black cats are the worst possible thing but rats carrying deadly diseases are fine (and look, i know rats are also animals that get a lot of shit and persecution, but like, seriously, clean the streets)
and every once in a while there will be a person in need too, like a homeless person in need of a place to stay or some sick person who has been abandoned or something of the sort, so magnus brings them in as well and cares for them as well as he can, but also tries to maintain minimal contact because he's been burned too many times, okay
so like, cue alec! i know in the original BATB belle ended up with the beast to save her father's life but fuck that. i lowkey consider making it "izzy ran away from home so alec comes after her and they both end up staying with magnus" but i think i like it better if it's just alec who decided to leave. like he's done with the abuse both towards him and his sister and he wants to be able to live his life even if he's gonna have to start over in some other village all alone. anywhere but here and all that
and of course alec used to be plenty rich and he has a lot of skills that help him pass by - he's a good archer and hunter, he's a good leader and organizer so he could do wonders for a failing business, he's smart and cunning - but he also has, like, 2 gold coins to his name. maybe some more from stuff he took from home and sold, but still
initially he is living at a tavern and i guess i'm making simon, raphael, and maia tavern owners again! i don't even care anymore, it suits them. rapha is the cook and the three of them run the business and simon also makes musical appearances during dinners every once in a while, and they are living the happy queer polyamorous life of their dreams. we have no choice but to stan
anyway alec is staying with them and he becomes friends with i think maia in particular since, you know, she is the one with the most contact with the customers since rapha is in the kitchen and simon is up the stage most of the time. plus they are both the same brand of bastard and they have an easy understanding between them that just works
and look! simon, raphael, and maia are 3 trans, non-christian/non-white (unnecessary addendum: the concept of whiteness didn't exist until around the 17th century, but whiteness as a concept came basically as a substitute for christianity [link to source], so i'm counting the fact that simon is jewish and raphael and maia are not culturally european as equivalent to non-whiteness in this context) people, so it's not like they would ever kick a gay man running from an abusive home out. but you know what they also are? magnus' friends. and after a while of talking to him maia thinks he is trustworthy enough for them to send magnus' way, because magnus needs as many friends as possible. plus, he wouldn't kick a person in need out, so unlike with them magnus can't really push this newcomer away so he'd have more company. plus, the possibility that he might fall in love with magnus and undo the stupid spell is there, i'm just saying! i'm not saying it WILL happen but why not give it a fucking shot?
raphael in particular is of course super protective of magnus and he swears to god that if this guy gives him half a bad look raphael will end him, which earns him some pats on the shoulder for his troubles and "rapha, we don't want magnus to be hurt either"s. maia says that she's been assessing him for quite a while now and she's pretty positive that he won't be terrible to magnus, but if she's wrong, she'll kill him personally too. and rapha trusts maia. how could he not? she's maia
so, they send alec magnus' way. "i'm sorry alec, but we are struggling to make ends meet *hides gigantic gold stash* and the tavern is packed *raphael upstairs stomps at maximum speed to make it seem like their 13 empty rooms upstairs actually have people* and we really need your room to give to this customer *simon in a wig* BUT we have a friend who we're sure will give you shelter if you ask, it's not very far away, and once we have a free room we will let you know". and alec is just like, okay, because he's been staying there for free or considerably less than the usual fee/in exchange for some stuff he hunts for quite a while now, and they are nice, so it's not like he can complain
and they don't tell him about the spell exactly because it is not their story to tell but they do let him know what to expect re: magnus' vibes and say it's a spell. and alec's like ok i guess. alec's very practical, he doesn't really care, and it's not like it's the guy's fault anyway. which is exactly why maia is sending alec there
so they send magnus a heads up ("magnus this guy is HOMELESS and we are SOOOOO packed can you please give him shelter for a little while thx xoxo"). alec arrives there a while later carrying like 3 prime rabbits he has hunted as a thank you gift because he hates being dependant on people but it's not like jobs abound in the middle ages, and he is actually a little embarrassed to go in and ask this guy he doesn't know for shelter but he IS kinda desperate. for now
anyway he is standing there with his 3 rabbits debating whether or not to knock on the door and magnus just opens it magically like "i know you're there, dear, just come in" so alec does and awkwardly presents him the rabbits and shit and is all "thanks for letting me stay, uh. i can help you with food and taking care of the house and stuff" even though, you know, magnus has magic and doesn't need it
(and magnus appreciates it deeply, because it is tiring to do it all magically on his own but most non-magical people don't even consider that)
and like... it is very awkward at first because magnus does NOT trust at all and he mostly just wants to keep away from anyone who can... look at him. but they ARE living together (oh my god they were roommates!! just kidding they each have their own room but you get it) so it's inevitable. but like magnus' insecurity makes him keep to himself for long times and makes things awkward, kinda like how the initial days with the beast and belle the beast was rude and kinda shitty except magnus is not shitty, just... private
and maybe the subject even comes up like "thanks for the meal alec. i'll go eat it in my room" "i mean, you could eat here if you want" "and ruin your appetite? no thank you" and alec is just like "*shrug* it won't ruin my appetite. unless you are my parents, the concept of failure, or some girl wanting me to marry her, i don't think there's a lot the spell can do to make me scared. besides, you literally have a kitten on top of your head right now and you refuse to remove it and are using a spell to keep her from jostling when you move" "her name is Fluffy, and she is sleeping!" "right, my bad" "wait did you say the concept of failure?" "yea"
it's not that the spell doesn't work on alec; it does, just like it works on his friends. but he is willing to go beyond that initial repulsive reaction that he knows is illogical anyway (and alec is the kind of guy who is just like "if my feelings aren't logical, i don't listen to them" which in this case is useful lmao). and the thing is that once you get to know magnus there is nothing about him that is scary, and the feeling just becomes completely ignorable, because humans are nothing if not adaptable. but most people don't want to go through the trouble to try, and magnus himself doesn't want to let himself be vulnerable enough to give them a chance because there IS a great chance that he will be met with some level of aggression, even if it's an unintentional microaggression
and eventually they grow closer and build trust. i think this happens particularly when camille steps in for one of her regularly schedule shoving-it-in-magnus'-face visits and alec is just like. "hey why don't you just use magic to keep her away?" and magnus realizes that he never even THOUGHT of that and like, jesus, how much has he been unconsciously torturing himself? so he does it, and he ends up telling alec about the story of the spell, which might be the first time he's told someone that didn't know him before the spell was cast
(alec: "so she's basically just killing you slowly?" magnus: "don't be silly, alexander. torturing me first is the most important part". and he sounds self deprecating and almost resigned and god alec feels murderous)
ohh but wait bonus: magnus says that she will only undo the spell if he gets back with her, he doesn't mention that it technically can be undone by romantic love or whatever bullshit's going on because he doesn't believe it can happen anyway, so, who cares
anyway! time goes by. fun fact: alec and magnus get along really fucking well. magnus is so so smart and knowledgeable and he shows alec many of his inventions that never got to see the light of day or that were stolen by someone else who wasn't cursed and took all the credit. he also fascinates alec with his magic, but mostly with his personality. there's something just endlessly endearing about this guy who is so fucking proud of his puns and so so nice and gentle to every creature he encounters, be it a kitten or a pitbull, who's letting alec stay with him for no reason other than that alec needs it
and alec is so goddamn appreciative of it because like he IS and we stan! and he's always trying to give back to magnus which is kind of a rarity, but most of all he's also extremely funny beneath the whole no-bullshit attitude, he's caring and fierce and resourceful and strong (so's magnus) and they click so well. they can also talk about their similar experiences with like, abuse and trauma without making it super heavy and they're just,,, so supportive of each other. so like yeah surprise surprise they fall in love
but they don't really say anything because (on magnus' part) that's just fucking ridiculous, he's a monster; and (on alec's part) he will put magnus is a way too uncomfortable position if magnus doesn't like him that way and they will just... be living together. and magnus will feel like he has to compensate to alec somehow and alec doesn't want that. it's just complicated when one of them is dependant on the other, and besides, alec has had very little to offer magnus so far
(no, he has no idea how much his company means to magnus and has brighted his depressed ass life. he is stupid)
sometimes magnus' friends visit and they're always just so happy for him, to see how he's hanging out more and let someone into his life after so long. it earns him a lot of forehead kisses and "i'm so happy to see you like this". and over time he starts to invite them over more as well as just open up back to the people in his life :')
angsty but also kind of fluffy sidenote: i picture that every time they kiss his forehead or cheek or whatever they linger for a little while and then open their eyes slowly and sigh like "i had been hoping that it would work this time. magnus, you know i love you, right?" and magnus is all like "i know just from you saying that, darling. it's just not how the spell works" and aaa
and like to be extra clear im not saying that alec fixes him or romantic love heals him or whatever, just that having let someone in, someone who didn't know him before the spell, and have them completely accept him and realize how much he had been missing out re: touch and human contact helps him realize how much he misses his friends and how pushing them away is stupid when they've never been anything if not supportive of him. they don't care that he's cursed. and obviously magnus was already on the way to that if he even managed to let alec in anyway
anyway! dramatic healing scene. LOOK. usually i'd be all for "they don't change back actually because people don't have to look beautiful to be lovable". like the original BATB disappointed me sooo badly because i had just been hoping that he'd stay the same way and still be loved. but in this case it's not that magnus doesn't look beautiful! it's that the spell has made him be hated by people for no reason other than existing. and breaking the spell is not changing magnus himself, it's changing that hatred. so, yeah. i'm not saying it's a deep metaphor or anything, just, you know daudhasdja it's different from the usual monster thing
and i'm torn here because on the one hand i LOVE the drama of the original BATB where everyone decides to gather to kill the beast and belle saves him and shit, but idk if it fits with the vibe ive been building here. no actually @ me shut the fuck up. you know how i mentioned that they kick camille out with magic finally? i actually had no intentions of following through with this in any way but like of COURSE she would be absolutely pissed out of her mind and want to get back in some way, we already know she's vindictive. so i'm gonna use that. this is what neil gailman meant when he said that writing is just making a rough draft and then writing it again but like it's on purpose this time
anyway! so after they yeet her camille is obviously furious and fuming and it might have finally dawned on her that magnus will NOT fucking cave and she is losing power over him, not gaining it. so she decides to play a last card and get him to almost die so he kind of HAS to take her bid, you know? so she makes up some shit about how magnus has kidnapped the lightwood heir and she's only now hearing about it, and no one else is safe and yada yada. and she has "proof" because alec IS indeed there and again the spell just helps everyone easily agree with her that magnus is That Kind Of Guy or whatever, and middle ages ppl weren't exactly waiting for a good enough reason to grab their pitchforks. and they don't even KNOW about the spell, really. all they know is that he's very powerful, secluded, and they all fear and almost hate him just from one look
so camille makes up some bullshit story about how he made a deal with the devil to become extra powerful, and that the source of his powers is the rose, so they have to get rid of the rose to kill him. (sidenote: i never understood why the hell the rose was never used as a weakness against the beast. like was he keeping it super guarded and safe just for the fucking shits?) so they devise an attack so someone can sneak up and get the rose, and camille makes up some bullshit story about how they have to destroy the rose a specific way so it takes longer and she has time to manipulate magnus before he dies. man, it's easy to be a villain when your target is secluded
anyway! big attack at magnus' house. magnus' friends don't hear about it until it's too late because camille knows exactly who they are and warned them that they were on "the witch's" side. alec is maybe away hunting when it happens? camille obviously has magic in this AU so she can check for that information. maybe she even says that she will be the one responsible for finding the lightwood heir so there is minimal risk of him revealing that she lied lmao
oh no, violence! they battle and yada yada. catarina is probably the first one to realize what is happening because i figure she, madzie, and dot are the ones who live closest to magnus'. they send fire messages and get ragnor, simon, maia, raphael, and meliorn to help. oh yeah, and alec i genuinely forgot trust me to forget about romance in a romance-focused au. but alec is the only one of them without any magical resources and he's far away and on foot, so he's gonna be the last to get there, which camille had been counting on
but alec or no alec, they can keep the attackers at bay because they're all powerful and smart and shit and a lot of them have magic as opposed to the mundanes who don't, but of course that's mostly because they are holding off on attacking and the invasion is mostly a distraction because their PLAN is to use the rose. and camille tells them all to leave once the petal puckering starts so she can "protect them from any lashouts" (have her big villain speech). and it's not like any of magnus' friends is gonna leave to go after them when magnus is dying, bUT they also won't attack camille because she's his only hope. and they won't be able to get to stop the rose plucking in time because that's in another room and while she made it slower than something that the person can use to kill him in a second it's also not slow enough for them to get there on time (maybe there's a spell against magic use near where magnus keeps the rose? just for extra safety, so the ones with magic can't portal there or whatever)
anyway. big villain speech. magnus screams in pain every time a new petal is plucked. his friends are either running to the rose thing desperately or trying to get camille to stop this madness, she's going to kill him for fuck's sake. i don't know which chooses to do what so you can figure that out i guess. and for that extra drama, right when the last petal was going to be plucked, wee woo alec lightwood arrives! and he went straight for the rose because magnus had told him about it and he figured that there was a good chance the attackers might go for it. so he shoots the person's leg or something and gets them away from the rose and yay, day saved! mostly. because now there is only one petal left to fall before magnus dies, so at the very least, his lifespan has been shortened considerably. also, he is still in pain
i'm torn about what happens to camille then. on the one hand, i love killing camille! bonding activities for the whole family. on the other, she kinda is the only one who can save him now. they all know magnus won't want to get back with her, but hey, it's not like camille wants a relationship! she wants magnus to be her asset. a relationship was just the best way to get him to do that she had initially. but magnus doesn't want to cave and be dependant of her, so, you know. but maybe they can try to convince her to stop this fucking madness, god knows how
so okay yeah no camille-killing yet because they don't want to jeopardize magnus' safety, so she just leaves convinced that either way, she wins, and this might be the best possible scenario actually because magnus will have lots of times to think it over and be real desperate and come to her and strike a deal. so, yay her! she just needs to lie to the mundanes that the mission was successful or whatever, and it's not like that's gonna be hard because magnus won't want to be seen there again, so
we are all running to check up on magnus now. he's kinda like, on the ground coughing blood, but he'll live for as long as the last rose doesn't fall. still, they all settle on trying to help him, getting him in bed, tending to his wounds, etc. and thinking about what the fuck they are all going to do now. so you have raphael and maia making magnus soup, simon running his mouth as he throws around ideas on how they can fix this, ragnor, cat, dot, and madzie (who is here now that the danger is over ofc) checking and rechecking magnus' vitals for the billionth time and trying to figure out how much time they have, meliorn using their fae powers to stop his pain. and madzie is all snuggled in bed with magnus holding his hand and asking if he wants her to tell him a bedtime story, and magnus just... feels cared for and loved
alec meanwhile i think would tell what ACTUALLY happened to the person who was doing the rose thing - i actually have thought about it and think it might make sense for it to be luke. just because i love him and it kinda fits the whole "initially sided with shadowhunters, lately became a downworlder" thing. and like luke genuinely believed he was saving a person/people so alec brings him in too and magnus is all "catarina, dear, can you help heal his leg? i would, but i don't think i have enough magic right now" because he is the sweetest man immediately wanting to help the guy who almost killed him. and luke is in awe
(and alec brings him on purpose, too, because he knows that anyone who actually talks to magnus for a little while will see what an amazing person he is. and he hopes that luke, as a mundane, can tell the others that and turn them against camille)
and after that, of course, alec sits down by magnus' side and Does Not Leave. he's just there holding his hand and talking to him and magnus' friends, who are all also kind of. sitting there, trying to snuggle up in a gigantic pile of like 10 ppl to cuddle close to magnus and make sure he feels loved and cared for and that they know he is real. madzie gets special privileges in that sense because she's smaller and also a kid, so she gets to be kinda snuggled up with him. so alec has to be content with holding magnus' hand lmao (which he is, he's just happy that he's alive and okay. and he has a whole plan to get camille to undo the spell, mostly involving getting the mundanes against her and telling her that she is only safe for as long as magnus lives, because once he dies, she will have a bunch of ppl who will hunt her down to the faces of the earth to make her pay for what she did to him. the only reason they didn't do that yet is because she can still save magnus' live, so is she really going to let him die knowing that she will be next?)
so alec takes his hand and tells magnus that they will fix this, he promises, and give a little kiss on magnus' hand. just a little peck, no deep intentions, but magnus gasps a little because he feels something, and his eyes water a little bit because he's so touch starved and tired and hurt and alec kissed his hand and he can feel this kind of ache inside him, somehow a good ache, but he just can't explain it. and so alec notices his watery eyes and he very tenderly wipes his tears away and tells him that they're all on his side, will always be, and kisses him on the forehead. and this kiss? this kiss is full of adoration and love and purpose, and magnus gasps and the wounds that hadn't been healed suddenly mend together, and the petals that had fallen go back to the rose before it disappears in a beautiful flash of light, and suddenly magnus' magic is back full force and he just looks at himself for a second, and everyone erupts into joy because holy shit, the spell is broken
and alec is so confused because again! he didn't kNOW about the whole true love's kiss thing or he would have asked magnus to let him kiss him as soon as he learnt about his feelings, because even if magnus didn't feel the same way, alec could undo the spell. and he's like "why the hell didn't you tell me?? we could have fixed this months ago" and magnus is like "i didn't think it would make a difference. wait, you're in love with me? have been for months?" and alec is like "first of all, yes. second of all, i have nothing else to say, i just said 'first of all' because i was so indignant"
and magnus laughs and jumps on him and kisses him on the mouth this time and they are both smiling and laughing into it and so so happy. and raphael is kind of just peppering kisses on maia's face too, like, "you were right, he undid the spell, thank you" and maia was never sure that this would happen but she will take the credit actually please and thank you
and they all live happily ever after and kill camille together the end i guess. god this post was so long i'm so sorry
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mammons-sugarbaby · 4 years
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Can you please write hc about the bois reading mc's diary where they might state somethings (why do they like the bois , their dreams with them , or the nice gestures they do to them)
Sorry this took so long! 
Okay so here’s the platonic version of the bros reading MC’s diary, there will be a romantic, and dirty version as well. Including the undateables (Luke’s obv is platonic only).
I’m putting most of it under a read more bc it’s a lot.
Lucifer ⦁ He'd started giving MC piano lessons after their RAD classes, they'd requested it and he wasn't going to pass up a chance to show off his talents. ⦁ After MC leaves he notices they forgot their things, namely a few schoolbooks and notebooks ⦁ He also notices when he gathers them up that one notebook seems different than the others and opens it to see what it is ⦁ It's a daily journal of their time in the devildom ⦁ He flips through a few more pages and lands on a page that, to his surprise, is about him ⦁ He goes to the beginning and sees where it becomes less about general happenings and more about him
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "Lucifer seems more stressed lately....he played the piano for me once and he seemed really happy then. Maybe I can ask him to teach me to play, but he might see it as another thing on his already full plate. But it would be nice for him to have a break from the usual headaches."
⦁ "I asked him and he agreed! He seemed surprised but also has a small smile! I hope I'm not putting too much on him. "
⦁ "He's been teaching me for a few days now and he always seems much more relaxed and happier during our lessons. I'm happy I found something to get his mind off his stress, he works too much. He's nice deep down, but he has a lot going on that makes him irritated. Still, I'm glad he's my friend."
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ Lucifer is touched that MC was worried about him
⦁ And also surprised that they noticed his mood while playing the piano, and his reaction to them requesting he teach them to play, he hadn't realized they were so observant.
⦁ When he thought about it, he realized he had been enjoying their lessons, looking forward to them even. MC wasn't a bad student, they actually picked up the basics quickly. 
⦁ He wouldn't tell them he'd read their diary, but he couldn't help but smile he entire time when they joined him for their next lesson
Mammon ⦁ He was looking through MC's stuff to sell for quick grim ⦁ Finds an intricate looking book, it's looks expensive ⦁ He opens it and notices its a scrapbook ⦁ He soon realizes that there a lot of cut outs and pictures of him ⦁ And there are full pages of writing ⦁ Of course he's going to read about what they have to say about him, The Great Mammon!
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "Mammon got another multi page spread! He's so cool."
⦁ "Mammon offered me some of the clothes he'd gotten from a recent shoot because his closet was full, they were super expensive brand names! I'm still in shock, I would have thought he'd sell them. They'd probably go for a good bit of grim since they were what he'd wore in the shoot, I mean he's one of the most in-demand models! But he gave them to me instead, I feel silly for being starstruck."
⦁ "I want to buy something to repay him, but he has everything.... If he wants something, he just buys it, so it's hard to get what he'd want that he doesn't already have...Maybe I could make something?"
⦁ "Went shopping today with him and bought the stuff to make his gift, he didn't even notice! I bought him a few things he asked for, I hope he likes my real present..."
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ He's SHOCKED. Yeah he always boasted about being the greatest, but he hadn't realized MC was an actual fan of his??
⦁ It seems like they had collected pictures from every shoot he'd ever had, and that was saying something.
⦁ He didn't even consider selling the clothes he'd gotten from the shoot that day, he just saw MC admiring them  and rather than try to find room for them, he just let MC have them. He hadn't even thought anything of it, but it made him happy that he'd brought so much joy to MC.
⦁ He wondered what they were making him and tried to think back on their shopping trip, but he'd been too focused on the things he liked, rather than what MC was buying.
⦁ Guilt hit him like a train, he may not have stolen anything, but he's going to buy MC something real nice to make up for trying.
Levi ⦁ He'd gone into MC's room to retrieve some games and manga he'd lent them ⦁ He saw a pile of books near a neat stack of games and assumed they'd left it on their desk for him. ⦁ It wasn't until he got back to his room and was organizing them that he realized he grabbed a book that wasn't his. ⦁ He opened it then quickly shut it after realizing it was their diary. ⦁ He argued with himself to read or not to read, but he saw his name! ⦁ Deciding, he opened the diary again, he just had to know what they were writing about him
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "I hung out with Levi today and watched him absolutely obliterate a raid! It seems like he's super high leveled on like, ever game he plays! He even gets me into some of them and helps me level up and get rare items."
⦁ "I don't know if he's joking or not when he calls me his best friend but I feel the same. He's my best friend. Though sometimes I worry he'll get bored of me since I'm not nearly as into gaming as he is. And I worry that some of the games and stuff I like he'd probably say the were such "normie" or "main stream" things...it doesn't mean they're not fun. I try to stick with games he likes to play, because I don't want to lose my best friend. Is that something I should actually worry over?"
⦁ "We were watching a new anime today and one of the characters said something that set him off. He paused it and went on an hour long rant about how out of character it was for them. It may be weird, but I love listening to him going off about things he's passionate about! It's both entertaining, and I get to hear his thought process, usually I end up learning a few things that I had missed while watching. It seems like he never misses anything! I know he'd never in a million years believe me, but I think he's actually really cool and fun to be around."
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ His heart is ready to explode, he really did think of MC as his best friend, but he was worried they just went along with it to make him happy. Reading that they thought the same thing, it was scary how alike they were!
⦁ When he got them into a game that he had been playing for a while, he wants them to be able to run raids with him as fast as possible, but he also likes MC's excitement when they complete a particularly difficult quest, because he felt the same way.
⦁ He feels guilty reading that MC thinks he'll get bored of them just because they like games he typically would scoff at, they're right, just because they're mainstream doesn't mean they aren't fun. They became mainstream BECAUSE they were fun. He makes a mental note to find out MC's favorite game. Their actual favorites.
⦁ He blushed because he did have a habit of going off on tangents in the middle of an episode and then not finishing it for the rest of the night. But reading that MC enjoyed his rants, this human really was his best friend, his Henry!
Satan ⦁ MC returned some books he'd lent them ⦁ While putting them away, Satan realized they'd accidentally given him one of their books ⦁ They'd already left though, he opened it to see what the book was about ⦁ It was a thick journal and he realized it was specifically a diary ⦁ And the page he'd opened to was about him ⦁ Intrigued, he sat down and flipped to the first page.
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "Today I asked Satan if he had any books about devildom fauna and asked him since there was no sun in the devildom, what did the flowers use as a food source. He had a few books and was nice enough to sit down with me and go over the material. He asked why I wanted to know and I explained I wanted to try growing something."
⦁ "Satan saved me from failing the test today! If he hadn't suggested we study together, I wouldn't have realized I had studied the wrong thing! At first he seemed annoyed but when I apologized he asked 'For what' and I said for bothering him, I felt bad because we'd have to waste time studying something I should already have had a good grasp on. He seemed surprised and explained he wasn't mad, things happen. He told me that at least when the time came to test for what I accidentally studied, I'd be more prepared. After all knowledge is power. I'm glad he's patient with me."
⦁ "Satan showed me some of his favorite books today. A lot of them were books about curses and hexes and the like, but it made him laugh. He was so excited to try some of the new curses he'd learned on Lucifer. It shows a different side to him, a more playful side. Dangerous, but still playful. Hopefully he'll never try to prank me with a curse haha!
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ He remembered MC asking about local fauna and how things worked here in the devildom. He had almost laughed because things like that were basic knowledge, but he remembered that in the human realm, the sun was essential for most fauna growth. He admired MC for trying to learn new things and put that knowledge to use.
⦁ Satan smiled at MC remembering the phrase he had told them a few times. He'd been surprised when MC had opened to the wrong chapter to start studying, and the look of shock on their face when he told them, he felt bad. Nonetheless, this was a chance to see just how much he understood the reference material, now that he'd have to thoroughly explain so that they understood. He enjoyed his time with them and he was glad that their hard work paid off.
⦁ He hadn't realized how much he held back when around his brothers and MC, but he felt comfortable around MC, like they understood him. He felt like he could let down his guard a little with them, and he was glad to read they took his interests in curses and pranks in good humor. He might have to prank MC soon....nothing dangerous or over the top, but he wanted to tease them a bit.
Asmo ⦁ He went into MC's room to show off some new beauty products he'd bought ⦁ They weren't in their room, so he texted them, they replied they'd be there shortly ⦁ he takes a seat on their bed and notices a notebook on their nightstand ⦁ He opens it and sees it's their diary ⦁ And more importantly, they're writing about him
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "Ugh, I had such a rough day today! I'm glad I ran into Asmo on my way back to my room. He wanted me to come with him and try some new stuff he got that was supposed to help with fatigue. At first I refused because I just wanted to lay down, but  he wouldn't take no for an answer and eventually he wore me down and practically dragged me to his room. He was right, the products he used really did make me feel more energetic!"
⦁ "I ran into Asmo in town today, he was on his way to majolish. I joked with him that he owned every item of clothing in the store and he told me that's why he was going to buy me clothes! Once again I found myself dragged along with him. I feel like I need to just start going with things when it comes to him, it always ends up for the better. I feel bad that he spent so much grim, but he kept finding clothes that I 'Absolutely had to have!!!' he does have a good sense for my style at least."
⦁ "Today I went to Asmo's room, I was feeling down and it seemed like spending time with him always cheered me up. At first he seemed annoyed to be interrupted, but as soon as he saw it was be he perked up and pulled me inside his room. He asked why I looked so down in the presence of someone as beautiful and him and I had to laugh. I told him a little bit of what was on my mind, and it didn't seem like he was listening, just going about his beauty ritual. But after I had stopped talking he started giving advice on the more important things I had complained about. He's a great listener, I'm really happy he's my friend, even if he keeps trying to get in my pants! Though at this point I think it's just habit because he doesn't seem as pushy as he did at first.
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ Asmo recalled when MC was more resistant towards him, to be fair though they needed a good spa day! A lot! And now that he had read that they were thankful for his impromptu self care sessions, he was going to make actual plans for spa days with MC. They'd thank him in the future.
⦁ To be fair, he was glad he ran into MC while on his way to majolish. He knew MC's size, but wasn't entirely sure about what they liked personally. He knew what he thought they would look good in, but when they had started trying on clothes, he quickly noted what they seemed uncomfortable in, and what they actually seemed to like. An outfit may look cute, but if the person wearing it looks like they'd rather be wearing anything else, then it defeated the purpose! Eventually Asmo tuned into the styles and materials MC liked and went from there. He didn't even spend half as much as he usually did, so he found it funny that MC was worried over the total price of their new wardrobe.
⦁ He remembered the night MC came to his room, they had indeed interrupted him in the middle of his usual nighttime ritual, but as soon as he saw the look on their face he had to pull them in. He listened to MC pour their heart out while he went about his routine and when they stopped talking he assumed they were done and started giving them pointers. When he looked back to them, they look surprised. It confused him at the time, but now he understood it was because they thought he wasn't listening. He was always listening darling! It's how he knows so much. 
⦁ He also hadn't realized that it had in fact, become more of a habit to flirt with MC, than to actually try to get somewhere with them. He didn't know how to feel about it.
Beel ⦁ To be fair, MC told him he could borrow their study notes, but didn't tell him where in their room they left the notebook ⦁ He sees what he assumes is the notebook on their bed and grabs it and heads to his room ⦁ Once he gets settled, he opens it and reads half the page before it clicks that these are definitely not study notes ⦁ This is their diary, and they were writing about him ⦁ He shuts it so fast, super embarrassed, but he can't stop thinking about what he'd read ⦁ Guilty, he opens it to read more
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "Today I forgot my wallet today so I couldn't buy lunch, but on my way back to the classroom I ran into Beel. He was actually looking for me so we could have lunch together! He even grabbed my favorite foods. I don't think I've mentioned my favorites though...how did he know??"
⦁ "I had a major leg cramp today while walking with Beel today. After sitting down he asked if he could massage it to help. I agreed and it hurt so much at first!! He kept reassuring me through it though and after a while it stopped hurting. He told me I probably needed to drink more water and get some potassium. He also suggested I join him for his stretch warm ups to avoid cramps in the future. I had no clue he knew so much!"
⦁ "Beel is always so supportive and nice, he always makes my day brighter! I'm really glad to have him as a friend, a best friend even. Going to watch him at practice today, I'll make sure to bring his favorite snacks!"
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ He didn't realize MC had left their wallet that day, he just remembered how they looked so down, and then when he asked them to eat with him at lunch, and gave them their food, their face lit up. He wondered if that was how he looked when MC gave him his favorite snacks. It wasn't hard for him to tell when MC really liked something, they had an excited expression every time they saw certain food, was it usually a hard thing to notice?
⦁ Beel remembered that day, how MC practically dropped to the ground clutching their leg. They told him it was a cramp and as soon as it stopped hurting so much, they could just walk it off. He scoffed at the memory, but was glad he taught MC something, and they had been joining him for his warm-up stretches since.
⦁ He was touched, he definitely saw MC as a close friend, they were his second favorite person, after his twin of course. He was glad he could make their day brighter, and felt guilty again because he was reading their diary. ⦁ He'd admit what he'd done later and apologize, hopefully MC wouldn't be too angry...
Belphie ⦁ MC texts him asking if he could bring their notebooks they forgot ⦁ They were having a study session but it turned into a nap session instead ⦁ He opens one of the notebooks to quickly scan over the notes they were supposed to study ⦁ These are not school related ⦁ This is their diary, and whats more, there's a lot about him in it ⦁ A wicked grin spreads across his face and he settles in to read what MC had to say about him.
Platonic (diary content) ⦁ "Oof today Belphie made me laugh so hard I could barely breath today! I had tears and everything. He was doing impersonations of his brothers and when he did Lucifer, I lost it! Even aside from that he has a great sense of humor."
⦁ "I forgot it was may day to cook and took a 3 hour nap. Luckily Belphie covered for me and came to wake me up when dinner was ready. I owe him big time, which owing Belphie something....is a scary thought. I'm sure it'll be fine though!"
⦁ "Lucifer was running me ragged today! on top of homework he was making me help him with his paperwork! Belphie saw me on my way back to Lucifer's office and grabbed me and told me I was going to take a nap with him since I looked like I was about to drop anyway. I tried to argue, but as soon as Belphie tossed me onto the pile of pillows and blankets, honestly I'm pretty sure I just passed out. I had to hear it from Lucifer later on, but Belphie made me laugh after so all in all it was worth it.
Platonic (his reaction) ⦁ He didn't realize MC thought he was actually funny, he thought they were laughing to make him feel better, but he remembered them near pissing themself when he mocked Lucifer and grinned. 
⦁ Belphie went to remind MC it was cooking duty but saw they were asleep. He knew what it was like to be woken up from a nap, so he just figured they could return the favor later on. It was funny to him that they thought he would have something insidious in mind for repayment. He might have to think of something besides covering for him for cooking duty...
⦁ He remembered vividly seeing MC's haggard face and realized they were heading to Lucifer's office. They looked dead on their feet so he grabbed them up. Part of it was and excuse to nap with them, the other was to piss off Lucifer. And maybe a little bit of pity for them. He had listened in on some of Lucifer's lecture to MC, and had a lot of new material to mock him about that he wanted to share with MC.
⦁ He was going to tease them so much about carrying their diary around and leaving it for whoever to read.
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e-luxion · 3 years
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Can you please explain Johnny’s chart now that we know his rising? I never saw him as a Virgo rising but people say it makes sense and I’m like??? I’m not too into astrology to know
Yeah I agree with you, virgo was the last thing on my mind, even tho I think I first typed him as Leo Rising after thinking I was like 100% earth (more Taurus than anything) + 5th house placements so I wasn't wrong, but not right either 😂 I am actually excited to do this
𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙞𝙩 𝙈𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙎𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣𝙣𝙮 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙑𝙞𝙧𝙜𝙤 𝙍𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜:
It is not the Virgo Rising itself, it's actually where his planets fall that makes perfect sense imo:
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Sun and Mercury in the 5th house 
I say Johnny has 5th house energy a little too much but I never actually explain why
Sun in the 5th house people are m a g n e t i c. Whether they want to or not, they unconsciously end up being the centre of attention. More times than not people with this placement feel like they were born to do ‘more’ and to shine
5th house suns are warm, generous, creative and for the most part, can be very confident in who they are depending how well or bad aspected this placement is
Even if they are less confident deep inside, they try to be confident and to be that light for others
MERCURY IN THE 5TH -- holy shit, I share this placement and yes, some people find us a bit annoying but we don’t talk about that 
People with this placement tend to be very talkative, they don’t seem to run out of topics to talk about, you could put them in a room with anyone and they’ll find a common ground. 
Natives of this placement tend to also talk almost with hidden meanings, there is always a tone of innuendo, there is always a joke in there somehow
This placement is very much “primary school teacher energy”
Not great at concentration cos there is just so many things they want to do, they always want to do something new and fun. Mercury shows us how we communicate but also how we think, and in this house it becomes... a lot.
Moon in the 10th house
This placement is very interesting, imo the moon is the most important thing in our chart. It shows you not only what makes you feel comfortable and how you feel, but your relationship with your mother, how you were raised, it’s a one of the most decisive pillars of “you”
It’s cause and consequence, it shows you how you were raised and how that affected present day you
This is stereotypical but his career and status is truly very important to him, he needs it to feel safe and fulfilled. It makes sense how no matter how hard it got, how much they pushed his debut to later, he persevered and is such a hard worker.
A m b i t i o u s 
People with this placement are actually very sensitive and have a natural need to care for others, they are easily affected by the outside world which makes them want to almost protect others
It’s honestly such a dad placement
Things associated with this placement are definitely a parent sort of vibe, they are responsible and caring, they worry about others around them
Fun Fact, people with this specific placement tend to attract admiration from others, they inspire security and trust. Other musicians with this placement are John Lennon and Kurt Cobain, both people who inspired millions of people and to this day are remembered
Venus in the 4th house
This is another thing that just painfully makes sense 
You know how this man is always like blah kids, marriage, sentimental shit?? THIS is why! This right here, is a big reason why Johnny is the way he is half of the time I swear. The homey romantic vibes? Heavy 4th house venus shit
4th house Venus people are so nurturing, sensitive and calm? Venus most commonly tells you how you are in love, what kind of partners you want but it shows more than that, it tells you how you look after things, your possessions, your aesthetic... 
Johnny’s love for soft toys, oversized fluffy clothes, all of that is due to his 4th house Venus. He is also probably very sentimental with things from his childhood, or things that remind him of home 
When they fall in love, it is serious because their mentality is for the long term, they are very family oriented hence why they can be wary of who they date
People with this placement have the nicest houses and rooms cos they just know how to make a house a home, it’s always so cozy and dating them would probably feel like like an early morning, wrapped in multiple blanket with the fire place on, hot cocoa and the rain outside
On the downside, people with the placement can be TOO sentimental, to the point where is hard for them to let go of things 
Mars in the 12th
Actually this was the only one which was surprising to me, but tbh this is not a side we would often see of Johnny since we don’t know him like that. And 12th house “hides” whatever it falls on, it internalises it to an extent that the native might not actually be aware of this energy
His Mars in Leo makes him quick to anger, but mars in the 12th house makes him hide that anger, bottle it up until it comes out in a scary way because it was left undealt with for too long
Other things in his chart tell us that he has no problem going after things, like going after his career or pursuing hobbies and success. But this right here shows me that in some ways, he is scared to fully express himself due to an unconscious fear to be vulnerable
Sometimes they focus to helping people too much to hide this vulnerability and their own issues
Coming to terms with his own sensitivity and release toxic mentality is something he probably struggled with at some point 
On a positive note, people with this placement tend to be very welcoming and open-minded towards other, they show the kindness to others that they don't necessarily show themselves
a lot of bitches with 12th house placements in nct damn
Jupiter in the 3rd 
At its most basic, this literally tells you that his talent (Jupiter) is in communication (3rd). Very agile minds, who love learning and acquiring information about different topics, people, things, everything
People with this placement lead the conversation, very positive and enthusiastic in the way they talk with others. Sometimes can be a bit preachy but for the most part they’re open minded, curious, and say what’s on their mind, super expressive when sharing their ideas
@/astroismypassion mentioned that Jupiter in the 3rd native might have moved hometown more than once in their life which I find very interesting as this man moved across the globe to make his dreams come true
Philosophy, arts, cultures, stuff like that is very interesting to them and travelling is a form of mind expansion for them
Jupiter shows us where we have privilege and here it’s education, and a larger than life mentality that them well received by others; they are gifted at communication which means that people usually take them seriously as they can be very eloquent 
Saturn in the 6th
Another placement I share with Johnny which I think would be a flex if it wasn’t for the fact that Saturn in the 6th is actually a very difficult position to have. Saturn is not necessarily happy in this house
It shows an obsession with work, keeping a routine, organising but also struggling in all those areas. For example, you obsessively plan your life because you really struggle naturally to follow plans, timetables and stay organise
People with this placement have a tendency to overwork themselves until they’re ill, so health problems might be occur often due to this. You fear failure so it feels like you can never stop working hard, just in case you fall behind. Anxiety, self criticism is very common here
Honestly he has a couple of placements that just scream chronic workaholic 
Pisces Descendant:
I don't know if this is weird but I thought he had to have Pisces in a “favourable” house, because he seems to attract or get along with people who have Pisces placements specifically so this is not surprising at all.
I’m ngl this man probably daydreams about his s/o, if he is single he’ll just make up little scenarios in his head or has a very clear idea of the kind of interactions or person he wants
Very idealistic, gentle and compassionate in love but also wants partners that match this energy. Heart on his sleeve kind of vibe
He probably attracts slightly chaotic partners, the dreamy artists types 
This man clearly doesn’t want just any love story, he wants the sort of fairy tale romance he can tell his grandkids 
7th house is also like enemies and shit, but I’m not going to talk about 
Gemini Midheaven 
When you meet someone, there is 3 main things you see about them and that is Ascendant, Mercury and Midheaven. Especially when it comes to celebrities, we see their midheaven more than anything 
Gemini MC people always have something going on, they have like 5 careers at the same time, very multi-faceted people. They’re not quite happy at doing one thing but they’re also very adaptable 
In the work environment, he could adapt to others and very much go with the flow of things, jack of all trades. Whatever happens, he can do it and does it well
For now I am going to go on more explaining why everyone is like uhh it makes sense and later I'll actually make a post with more information, in my drafts I have this one post by xx saved from like a year ago of their personality analysis of Johnny, in which they asked if any astrology people could you know back this up. I had written a whole response to it but now that we know I will make a more detailed response and analysis of his birth chart 👁️👁️
𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊, 𝕷𝖚𝖑𝖚 𝖝𝖔𝖝
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lesbianrobin · 3 years
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☕️ max and billy?
so basically i think that their dynamic in s2 was REALLY interesting and one of the more compelling relationships in the show and i don't mean that in a gross weird way i mean it like. like abuse isn't always in parental or romantic relationships and it's so rare to see an abusive sibling relatonship in media that's treated seriously and not downplayed or treated as comedic. they weren't just bickering siblings! billy passed on the abuse he received from his father to max. he hurt her and did his best to terrorize her, and max was deeply afraid of him, and the whole thing just felt incredibly real, though upsetting and painful. when max sedates billy at the end of the season, threatens him with the bat, and is finally the one with the power in their relationship, when she threatens him and finally makes him feel the same terror he's been inflicting on her... i think that's truly one of the most cathartic and emotional moments in the whole show! so i think the max and billy relationship in s2 was pretty cool and interesting in terms of writing (and acting on sadie's part holy SHIT i still cry whenever i see her face in any given scene with billy).
s3.... yikes. yikes. i don't know WHAT the fuck happened there. it's like... okay so there's two ways to approach s3.
one is that the writers Completely fucked up and got lazy. since they wanted the emotional impact that usually comes with a "somebody's been possessed!" storyline, they just decided to downplay/erase the abusive elements of the max and billy dynamic and treat them like normal siblings, so they could have her be dismissive of the possibility that he might be possessed and then have her be totally devastated at his loss. that's why max seems to have basically forgotten that billy abused her. because that's the easiest storyline to write, and it's harder to think of how max might react with all the nuance of her and billy's relationship in play than it is to just treat them like normal siblings, and they didn't want to do the hard thing.
or, if you want to be charitable/twist canon in a way that makes a little bit more sense... maybe we're supposed to assume that billy's been Totally harmless since max turned the tables in s2, and that's why she acts the way she does. ever since she took him down and threatened him into submission, she's not afraid of him anymore. he hasn't bothered her ever since. he's just weird, not scary. the writers didn't forget about his abuse, they just want us to think max is... over it?
i don't know exactly how i feel about this interpretation. it does make a kind of sense, that max might no longer be afraid of billy if we assume he completely stopped behaving the way he did in s2, but i just can't see him doing that. in their daily lives, billy is still bigger than max, older and stronger and the one in charge, and she doesn't have any sedatives or spiked baseball bats lying around. even if he DID stop bothering her completely, i don't think her fear/wariness of him would go away to quite the extent it seems to have gone away in s3. like, even if max doesn't think billy is a threat to HER anymore, she absolutely should have been more on-board with the possibility that billy had done something to heather, considering how she knows firsthand that he can be incredibly violent when he doesn't get his way. if anything, i think that the initial disagreement between el and max during their investigation in s3 should have been max thinking that it was all billy hurting people vs el trying to convince her it was actually the mindflayer.
i'm not gonna argue with max attempting to reason with billy or mourning him, as i do think those are realistic responses for a kid in her situation. while he's hurt her and she doesn't like him, she IS still a kid who just wants a happy family and a brother who'll love her. especially if he stopped harming and threatening her after s2... it's not ridiculous to think that despite everything billy's done and despite her knowledge that he'll probably never change, max might still be hopeful for a future where he's better, a future where he'll be the big brother she wants and deserves (though she probably would never acknowledge this hope).
one thing i find interesting (and a point in favor of the st writers) is how billy was a big part of max's story in s3, but she was not a big part of his. seeing the memories of his mother that el brought out were enough to make billy rebel against the mindflayer, but he didn't even hesitate to punch max in the face all while she was begging him not to hurt her and her friends. el shows billy a brief scene of him meeting max, but this is not what breaks the mindflayer's hold. we don't see max again. the only person billy's ever truly loved is his mother. it's clear that the hope max holds out for billy is in vain; even if he lived, he would never be the brother she wants, because he just doesn't care about her.
if the writers had tried to pull some "see, he really DOES love her!" shit, i would have probably thrown up. in showing us that billy does not love max, they at least refute the idea that abusers do what they do out of love, or that abusers love their victims and are simply too troubled to stop their abusive behavior. all positive sentiment between max and billy comes from max, the vulnerable kid just wishing for someone to look out for her, and i think (despite the writers' other missteps in portraying that relationship in s3) that makes a lot of sense.
TL;DR billy was a piece of shit abuser who never loved max, and max is a vulnerable kid who hated him, yet kept hoping despite herself that maybe one day billy could become the brother she deserved. this relationship wasn't perfectly written, but it's still really compelling and i think it's a great vehicle for max's development.
thanks for asking!!!
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