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scretladyspider · 10 months

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Asexual and aromantic are not “spicy straight trying to be special LGBT”.

This argument, much like “you’re not really bi/pan if you are with someone of the opposite gender”, asks for visibly performative queerness then ignores the inherent queerness in these experiences.

If being straight is being allosexual, heterosexual, heteroromantic, alloromantic, and cisgender, all at once, then a person only needs to not be one of these to call themselves queer if they want to.

This always ruffles feathers, but..cishet isn’t the inherent opposite of queer.

Allosexual — not ace or under its umbrella

Alloromantic — not aro or under its umbrella

cisgender — aligning with your gender assigned/designated at birth

Heterosexual— sexual attraction to the opposite gender

Heteroromantic — romantic attraction to the opposite gender

If all aces and aros were cishet, which we’re not but just for the sake of this example, how would this detract from the queerness inherent in asexuality and aromanticism? Each are complex spectrums of a fundamentally different experience than the world teaches us we should have.

Aces, aros, and bi/pan people in “straight passing” relationships are often lumped into cishet as a way of delineating “not queer”, regardless of other factors. But this dismisses queerness and asks for specific, unnamed perimeters to be met for it to be recognized.

When presented with ways that experiencing little to no sexual attraction, or little to no romantic attraction, are in fact in opposition with the expectation for everyone to have both (allonormativity and amatanormativity or amanormativity respectively), people don’t accept it. Or rather, they don’t accept it as a thing on its own. Sometimes this means getting treated as if you’re just trying to be edgy, as if proclaiming you’re part of a marginalized group gives social media clout or something. Other times it’s just not treated as enough on its own by other queer people.

This happens in ace and aro spaces too. Cishet is used often as shorthand for “not queer”, directly pushing away aspecs who may be cishet and also ace and/or aro. It doesn’t seem intentionally exclusionary, but unintended exclusion is still exclusion.

This reflects, also, the expectation of performative queerness that is thrown at bi and pan persons both in and out of queer spaces. There are also many aces and aros who are bi and pan, and who may or may not be cisgender.

The reality however is there is no way to “perform” queerness that is satisfactory to all who demand it. The result this odd sort of existence where when one appears queer “enough”, that is used as weaponry against them, but when it isn’t, it’s used to exclude queer people from queerness.

And the real kicker is asexual and aromantic are enough. Bi/pan folks are still their orientation regardless of what their relationship looks like. Gender is it’s own thing, separate from the others, but related because this all ends up being a pile of queer identity spaghetti.

Regardless of how queer a person appears to you, or if you understand their individual experience… Ace is enough. Aro is enough.

The demand for performative queerness is used to try to defend from harm, but it ends up attacking anyone not visibly queer enough to the beholder.

We need to be more explicitly inclusive — especially in our own spaces, but also outside of them when talking about how queerness operates. If someone else’s queerness makes your idea of queerness more complicated, that’s not a bad thing. Learn from that, and let them be.

If you see someone is ace or aro and then see they’re more like you than you thought they could be, or that they don’t engage with it how you expected, that’s not a reason to be exclusionary. It’s a reason to try to expand what you include in your idea of queer.

Once, you needed someone to include you to feel comfortable in your queerness.

Set your ego aside and extend a hand to those you don’t quite understand. Be inclusive. Especially if someone’s relationship to their queerness challenges what you thought was possible.

thank you for reading if you like this please consider contributing to my moving expenses, there’s $425 to go and anything and everything helps

you can also find my blog, my links, my socials, read/listen to interviews, or just say hi here on my linktree

thank you again for reading and remember to be inclusive! Other queer people are not your enemy. have a nice day!

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antimony-medusa · 11 months

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This is verging on discourse, but I have to say, as someone aroace with the emphasis on the aro, it's a trifle disheartening to ever try to look for queerplatonic relationships that look like mine within this fandom. QPRs can cover a broad spectrum of experiences, and it always seems that within MCYT what a QPR looks like has calcified into this one depiction that is very close (but not actually crossing the line) to shipping, just without kissing or sex! With emotional connections that are very similar (but not quite) to romance, hitting many of the same beats. And that just doesn't reflect my experience at all. Personally, I have more fun reading about straight ahead romance than a qpr that hits almost all the same notes, but just doesn't quite go there, that never digs into an aro or ace experience that I recognize, and that is always what I seem to find when I go cruising the tags.

For one thing, QPRs are not just an ace thing, and they definitely don't have to be a sexless thing! You can be aroallo and in a QPR and have sex, or you can be ace and in a QPR and have sex for the sake of your partner, or just for fun! Sex is fun for a lot of ace people, including those in QPRs, and using QPR eternally to mean "sexless" cuts off a large swath of the population that DOES have sex, for whatever reason. And there are tons of ace people who are extremely fine with kissing, including people who are sex adverse, so using a QPR are a shorthand to mean "sexless and also kissless" is only depicting a very narrow slice of the experience.

And QPRs in practice often look very different from romance, including with people who are romance-adverse, and who don't want any of the trappings that normally come with romance (marriage, specific terms like "love" or "darling", metaphors or positioning like "half of my heart" or "soulmate"), and I just never get to see that. A QPR can be two people who sleep in seperate rooms co-parenting a kid! (Or more than two people!) A QPR can be people married together and sharing a bed and holding hands at the movies and calling each other "darling", or it can be people who signed legal paperwork together who call each other "bro", and those are BOTH valid QPRs. But I only ever get to see the one that looks so close to romance that it's alienating to me, while people tell me that I should be happy to be depicted. (I'm not depicted.)

And I'm also frustrated because I have read QPRs that are sharing all the same hallmarks-of-romance-but-no-sex that I would theoretically have a problem with, but they also ring as true to me because people actually talk about what the relationship is and isn't to them, and I go Yes! Not me but I am on a similar wavelength! But so many people just go "QPR" but never unpack the actual ace/aro/aroace experience, so again I'm left with something that is using all the romance and affection tropes that I've come to expect over decades of living in an amonormative society, just slapping a "but it's platonic" on it at the very end. Where's people making assumptions about your relationship that you have to consider whether to correct or not? Where's the inside jokes? Where's the intimacy negotiations and teasing each other about what you want in terms of touch+? Where's the doing life together in a non-romantic way? Where's the epic friendship? Where's the aro experience? (If we're mutuals, you probably write all of these things, and I'm not complaining about you, you're good.)

And it's hard to escape the feeling that at least some of these people are writing QPR because they're afraid of shipping, as I see the tags scroll endlessly by, not because they actually want to depict the a-spec experience.

Some of it is just people not used to writing affection outside of the romance tropes in our society, and some of it is that so many guestures of affection in our society get romance-coded when like, holding hands is not inherently romantic, I know. But sometimes, man, I want to tell people that it's okay to romantically ship, they don't have to keep it platonic, if they're going to write something that is so similar to shipping but has a giant "don't worry, these guys don't fuck" stamped on it.

I don't know, maybe there are even less people like me than I thought. Or maybe the people like me aren't writing fanfiction (lol).

I don't know. QPRs are more varied than they get depicted, and the a-spec experience is special to me and I wish it got written in its diversity. It's frustrating to see only ever one type of QPR, one that is exclusionary to me. I wish I could see the tag and not know exactly what that relationship looked like, or saw something that I felt was strongly influenced by what the characters are, instead of the same sort of sexless romance-lite every time.

#discourse #fandom meta

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tavyliasin · 4 months

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Villain-Fucker Angst Hours

Good timezone, darlings~ Are you ready to get all up in your feelings? No? Me neither, loves, but here we are regardless so the words are going to flow as they usually do... This is focused on Raphael from Baldur's Gate 3 and his fandom, but the latter section can easily apply to any villain fandom.

Self-Analysis of Devil-Fuckery, Or Why Do I Adore Raphael When He Is Very Obviously Evil: A Short Essay by TavyliaSin (Who Still Cannot Name Anything With Less Than A Full Paragraph) ((NSFW)) (((Game Spoilers)))

The following may discuss heavier topics, but without specifics, so whilst it should be safe for most to read without triggering any difficult memories please be aware of Raphael's entire vibes, the content and context of his story, and I'd also like to mention that this isn't a "woe be us for we are terrible people" piece, it's actually more about:

"There is an inherent kindness and warmth to much of the Raphael fandom, and I think there could be some common threads behind that, pulling us all in closer in a comforting blanket that we wrap around each other to keep out the cold of the world."

So, what in the nine hells am I on about? Well. Raphael-fandom is a wild and wonderful place to be. The rest is in sections, so feel free to skip through to what you feel is relevant to your interests. I am so prone to waffle I should open a restaurant~

Who Are Fans Of Raphael? What Do They Want?

We are feral, unhinged, all sheets to the wind "I want that devil man, carnally, and there is no force in all the planes that could stop me". There's the vanilla to the extreme and every level in between, tops, bottoms, versatiles, Doms, subs, and switches - there are a whole lot of people who would love to get their hands on either (or both) of Raphael's forms, for a simple smooch or something far more spicy~ [edited in] To add on to this, not all of us even desire him in a sexual way, for many it is romantic, soft, or even just the rather pleasant thought of spending an evening with drinks by the hellfire because he would be fascinating company. Aces, Aros, and AroAces may all find themselves well within the devilish corners of fandom too~ which is a whole other essay~ [end edit] So, I see you. I'm one of you. Extremely loud and utterly hingeless in my fan appreciation for Raphael. He's one of my favourites to write about, I seek art of him, and the same goes for his mirrored other half, Haarlep, who I arguably love more despite there being far less content of them in the game.

And the Fandom? The Vibe?

From my experience in the Raphael Fandom areas, we have a very deep and abiding understanding of consent, respect, and treating each other with an absolute and uncompromising kindness. We've had talks about keeping each other safe in fandom, exchanged details of people we have encountered who need to be avoided, even shared details between moderators of different fandom servers to pre-ban people proven to be creeps and/or art thieves. We've also discussed consent, including the issues with it in the game, and how areas of the story can only really be considered dubious at best and could easily be triggering for people. And these discussions have been open, honest, fair, and with the acknowledgement that most of us love these scenes anyway. So there's a sense of care that runs through everything, behind the horny-posting and fan content, behind the endless thirsting after our favourite fictional characters. We have a depth of kindness that warms my sinners soul every time I see it.

What Does This Have To Do With Self-Reflection, Raphael, or Villainy In General?

Well let's look at Raphael. He's a villain, obviously. He's manipulative, devious, and inherently evil by his very nature. He keeps Hope chained in his basement, constantly subjected to endless torture. There's also mention of how Gortash was sold into his service at a young age, clearly not an enjoyable experience given the other details and how things turn out (particularly as Raphael would need Gortash's own plans to fail entirely in order for him to succeed in his own and get that crown). And as fans, we accept that. We don't sit making excuses, or trying to say "well actually Gortash is a little shit and Hope probably deserve it", and we don't shy away from or conveniently ignore those darker sides of him with malicious intent to enable more evil to flourish. What I noticed, when I allowed the thoughts to continue, is that there is a theme here.

If Evil Can Be Loved Then So Can I

That's the core. Of course, darlings, I am not claiming to be a heinous monster. I certainly do not have a laundry list of crimes that would make the devil himself say "Uh, that's a bit much." But I sure as fuck treat myself like I do sometimes. You see, I think a lot of us have that tendency, to judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else. Our patience, understanding, and forgiveness for others runs deeper than the Mariana Trench, but when it comes to our own flaws? One minor mistake and we think ourselves to be the worst beings ever to disgrace the earth. Thus, the villainy we see reflects how we are treating ourselves. So by loving and accepting all of those things that should be terrible, hated, we are actually learning that no matter how poorly we think of ourselves that we can be worthy of that same love and acceptance. We are extending the affection we are unable to show ourselves to someone we see the worst parts of ourselves amplified within. And that's why villains attract the people with the most kindness. The most forgiveness. Because it takes someone with a truly huge amount of empathy to find love for the embodiment of evil.

Or, IDK, maybe villains are just hot and we're too far down to care.

But wait, before you go!

THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.

All of this is about FICTION. We should never be accepting of the kinds of evil we see in the game irl. We do not owe anyone kindness if they do not show it to us.

What is hot in fiction is not always OK IRL.

Look after yourselves out there, remember that consent is key in all things, and please do try to learn to love yourselves, darlings, you are worthy of it and you should judge yourself by the same standard you judge others. If you are in doubt, if you are worried, if you feel afraid - reach out, talk to someone. There are many who will listen.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. You deserve that much.

Oh, and all Raphael fans who understand kindness are welcome around me, any hour of the day, I adore our little fandom circles and would gladly collect all of us together. I'm following a lot of you as soon as I find you, like hunting shiny pokemon~

See you in Avernus, my darling Little Mice, may we all find joy in the Cambion's Embrace~

#baldurs gate 3 #raphael #bg3 raphael #villain fucker #personal reflection #analysis of the inner mind by a complete amateur #listen the thoughts get loud then I write them down darlings it happens all the time #love yourself please #you are worth more than you give yourself credit for #and keep loving those villains! it's good for you!#be kind to yourself #and be kind in the community #did this even make sense? well it's there now so tough #DMS are open for fellow fans with excellent taste~

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aro-comics · 2 years

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Growth (Part 3)

Growth, 3/3 - And … with that, we finish off yet another series 🐸🐸 I hope y’all enjoyed the ride, I know it’s been a long wait for this, but I really wanted to take my time and craft this comic and what I had to say with it (and also take my time with these last few greenhouse scenes haha).

I don’t think the ways in which amatonormativity affects us has been explored as much, since our awareness of the topic is so new. Or at the very least, I haven’t seen much discussion and I feel like we’re all just taking stabs at it atm. So here’s my take, it’s something I’ve reflecting on for quite some time, and I hope you’ve found it interesting too.

Also, this is less relevant to aromanticism, but I wanted to sign off on this: I know growing up I really clung to the idea of finding the *right* relationship, romantic or not, to be this kind of … magical key, to fixing many of my personal problems. But as I’ve learned through my own experiences, sometimes all you really need is the time and space to rest, to recover, and the will to try again at the end of the day (or the next morning, or whenever your strength returns).

If love and relationships have been the key to your healing and growth – fantastic! I’m genuinely so happy for you, and I think that is beautiful. But to anyone that needs to hear it, you can be fine too without. Your growth can be something that you shape and lead, and for what it’s worth. I think you will find at the end of the day the path you carve for yourself will be beautiful in its own ways, too.

Image Description:

Slide 1: Celia shrugs “Overall, I think it’s just that society puts a lot of emphasis on celebrating growth in relation to romantic love.”

Slide 2: “It’s all too common for me to hear people talk about how someone became nicer after they’ve found “the one”, how much better they are with a lover than without”

A younger Celia is shown studying as she listens to her parents converse. They say:

“You remember [redacted]?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah, he finally got a girlfriend and its like he did a complete 180 as a person. He’s so much nicer and more patient now …”

Slide 3: Celia says “ – and as an aro, I just … wish that there was just as much focus, and celebration, for the ways people grow in the absence of romance, or any kind of relationship.”

Slide 4: “Because that family friend was wrong.”

Slide 5: “I did grow, past the lack of confidence and the so-called shyness, all of these traits that supposedly I would have gotten as a part of falling in love.”

A pot of ferns is drawn growing, unfurling, reaching towards the top of the panel.

Slide 6: “I became strong, confident. More patient and kind and understanding than I had ever been, all of these traits that supposedly would have been the rewards of love,”

Celia sits in her gardening attire. From her hand floats a fern unfurling, with sparkles in the background.

Slide 7: “Except I didn’t fall in love. I wasn’t motivated by any person, romantically or platonically or otherwise. And as much as I wish it was because I embraced self-love … it actually wasn’t either.

I grew because I had finally been given enough space to heal from what had been hurting me back then. And because I wanted to.”

Slide 8: “People love to say that everyone eventually blooms in the presence of “true love”, but I’ve always disagreed. Celia is illustrated talking to a blank person, from which a speech bubble shows a flowering plant. Celia says “I don’t agree”.

Slide 9: Back in the greenhouse, Celia is shown watering plants as the sun shines behind her. “In nature, not every plant flowers.”

Slide 10: “And those plants are no less beautiful for it.”

Shot pans out into the wider greenhouse, an array of nonflowering plants depicted around Celia as she stands with her watering can. The afternoon sun pours into the building, illuminating her and her surroundings.

#regularcomic #GrowthComic

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animarret · 1 month

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Ranting about aroace exclusionists a bit: tl:dr my issue is not even the exclusion at this point, it's the lack of respect for ace and/or aro experiences and identity.

Saw one of those whole "should aces belong in queer spaces" debates making the rounds and it got me thinking about some exclu points like. Notably one I kept seeing was along the lines of not feeling safe in queer spaces with "straight" people and like. Okay. We have different ideas of queerness but I sympathize with the sentiment even if I disagree. But it got me thinking about how, if a space is mostly exclusionist towards aces and aros... why would we (aces and/or aros) be there anyway?

Like, I as a queer person (nonbinary and romantically ??? Something not straight) and also as an ace, I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a space like that, even if my more acceptably queer identities were fine there. Because in my experience exclus, kind or not, aren't understanding enough of ace experiences to where I could see that part of me being accepted enough to be open about it.

If any exclus read this for whatever reason: are you as normal about aces and aros as you think? Do you *actually listen* to us? Bc most I've encountered 1) don't have pretty basic definitions of identities on those spectrums correct (aromantic is never mentioned? Gray or demi labels? Hell half the time the definition of ace is wrong), and by extension downplay and dismiss ace and aro experiences. Not even just about like, people being bullied or the more oppressive experiences like that. But like, do you realize that being ace and/or aro can just affect everyday shit?? Shows and movies I like and why are affected by this. The way I practice my religion is affected by my aceness. It is, in fact, an important part of me that is reflected in everything I do. And AVEN is a website, guys. Cmon.

My point is, why would I waste time in a space where the people (no matter how many times you say "aces are valid!!! Just not lgbt") consistently show a complete lack of care or willingness to actually learn about or understand mine and other's experiences? Why would I feel comfortable or safe, even, being in a group that not only doesn't understand asexuality, but isn't willing to try (as friends, comrades, community, etc) to understand me, as an asexual person?

I'm not invading exclu lgbt spaces because I have better friends and allies than that. I have better places to be.

And if you're exclusionist and me asking/saying these things bothers you, maybe make a better effort to be allies to aces and aros. Because for all your talk about us and your valid posts I don't see you making an effort for us. Do better!! Prove me wrong!! Make me eat my angry words!! Want us out? Support ace and aro spaces then! Get our fucking words right! Listen to us!

#ace #asexual #aroace #aromantic #aro #ace inclusion #aro inclusion #anti exclusionist

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rocketturtle4 · 9 months

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Aceness in BL: Let’s go for a Ramble

(I made this post soon after Be My Favorite finished but shadowbanning has delayed the posting) - I'm Freeee (@plantsarepeopletoo @shouldiusemyname)

So, I’ve been thinking more and more about aceness in BL (mainly BL anyway), and to get my thought’s in order I thought I’d make a post.

This post is NOT intended as a blanket rule in literally any context. It is specifically about how 1. I frame aceness in my head based on very surface level research and my own experience and how 2. I apply that to a few characters (In BL) who, to me, have felt acespec.

This post will cover

A brief overview of how I understand the acespectrum (with reference to aesthetic, romantic and sexual attraction)

How I view demisexuality as a kind of doorway (with reference to my own deminess)

How I feel five characters (Ae from Love by Chance, Arthrit from SOTUS & SOTUS S, Kat from The Warp Effect (yes not BL but whatevs), Kawi from Be My Favorite and Khai from the Warp Effect) might fall on these spectrums. (THIS WILL INCLUDE SPOILERS)

A wrap up on acepectrum, transient identities, and labels

First Up the Ace-Spectrum!

(How I frame aceness in my head)

Aesthetic attraction = I really want to just stare at this person, they so pretty

Romantic attraction = I want to have this person with me, I want to hold them close and see them daily and talk to them about everything, also I want to cuddle and sleep together (maybe idk this is the attraction I am vaguest on)

Sexual attraction = I want to have sex with this person, I want to personally bang this person, I stare at this person and think about what it would be like to kiss them with tongue and push them against walls and have them underneath/on top of me. (This isn’t necessarily at like 100% all the time I think)

Kapish?

Romantic and Sexual attraction are both spectrums (obvs) and in my head they go from

Allo (100%) <------- to --------> Ace/Aro (0%) with the percentage reflective of how frequently you find people attractive, (I don’t think 100% is everybody all the time though).

So theoretically anyone not at 100% for either romantic or sexual attraction might identify as acespec, though I IMAGINE most people over perhaps, 30% feel attraction often enough that they don’t consider it, so for headcannon purposes I’m considering under 30% as ace or aro.

Sometimes people might consider themselves grey-ace (or grey-aro) if they fall within the more middling but still low percentages (say 15-50%,) So they experience attraction to individuals on occasion, but less frequently than typical. (But, again any label that people identify with is true for them)

Framing Demisexuality as a doorway

Demisexuality is, to me (in brief), not experiencing sexual attraction prior to the development of strong emotional/intellectual/romantic feelings (also can feel like a significant jump rather than completely 0-100, for me it’s almost like a switch on/off, but it can be gradual too)

Demiromantic people don’t experience romantic feelings for people unless there’s a strong emotional bond in place. (Same caveats as above)

The demi-doorway doesn’t automatically open the moment bonds/romantic feelings are developed, it’s simply that these feelings DON’T occur without the bond first. An alloromantic demisexual person MAY develop sexual feelings for someone they like romantically, but they also may not.

Personally, I consider myself demisexual and demiromantic because (based on 1.5 data points (data points = people), which is really not enough evidence) after bonds are formed both my romantic and sexual interest about a specific person jump up to allo. My deminess also feels tied to the way the changing/wavering of these emotional bonds also closes the door really quickly?? (So I can become abruptly not attracted to someone anymore if my romantic feelings/emotions are gone/destabilised, let me tell you it is weird to experience)

The lines around characters and actors and attraction gets all blurry too. Kind of like there’s a window in my door(s) that can be open or shut, but I can always look through it? (IDK how this metaphor is holding up)

For example, here’s some arbitrary categorites:

1. People are nice looking because everybody is nice looking (e.g., most people)

2. Aesthetic attraction (let me stare) e.g., Jean from The Warp Effect or Ayan from The Eclipse

3. Aesthetic attraction but more?? E.g., Joong (Joong is pretty, VERY PRETTY. But it’s still not really sexual attraction…I just want to stare at him…extra hard…and if he WANTED to fuck me…I mean for science…but I still don’t really WANT to??)

4. First. E.g., AM I EVEN ACE/ARO WHAT IS THIS SORCERY??

Clear as mud I’m sure.

Ace people can also dislike sex, be sex repulsed, enjoy watching, and whatever else without it emphasising or erasing their aceness, since it’s about sexual attraction to an individual more than anything else.

In a similar way you can also be sex repulsed or dislike sex or dislike aspects of sex without automatically being ace.

ALSO Demispec people may experience full (e.g. 100%) romantic/sexual feelings once the door is open without the caveats that I listed (about emotional instability) and this in NO WAY erases their aceness (or their deminess). There is also something to be said for the different ways the emotional bonds are formed/feelings are triggered. My two data points (attraction to people) were both triggered by strong intellectual connections.

ALSO acespec (which includes all aro/ace/demi people FTR) people can have gender specific (or non-specific) orientations as well (e.g. homoromantic asexual or aromantic pansexual or even biromantic bi-grey-ace).

Examples from Thailand BL/QL in my headcannon

I’m only talking about allo/ace/demi here, no gender-(non)-specific orientations.

Ae (Love By Chance) alloromantic demisexual (through the door 100%)

Ae is, I think, a pretty classic example of the most common view of demisexuality. He experiences romantic feelings for someone (idk if it’s the first time for this) and then slowly realises he’s sexually attracted to said person and goes a bit crazy because he doesn’t quite know what his feelings mean because he’s never experienced them before and, well, he’s a horndog (I love Ae and this depiction for the record) his demisexuality is absolutely a gateway to 100% sexual interest!

Some signs of his aceness might include his lack of interest in sex as commented on by his roommate and his confusion over the feelings he’s experiencing for the first time because they’re outside of his frame of experience. Also his sexual feelings seem to take a while to develop, after his crush has begun.

(I’m much less certain about romantic orientation here because we don’t know if he’s had crushes before (without wanting sex) and also he’s only 18, so even if he hasn’t doesn’t mean he’s arospec)

Arthrit (SOTUS & SOTUS S) Alloromantic demisexual (but different!!)

Arthrit seems alloromantic, in his previous feelings for his childhood friend and his clearly developing romantic feelings for Kong.

Arthit’s aceness is less clear cut than Ae’s because even after he develops sexual feelings (through the demidoor) he doesn’t experience allo sexual attraction as strongly as someone like Ae. I found a lot of his reactions to the relationship ups and downs in SOTUS S were very relatable (and prompted my first ever long post lol click for way more info on this) because of how Arthrit’s desire for sex (or sexual touch) seem to waver with the relationship stability. This is not about being uncomfortable with Kong exactly, but more about how even after they’re technically on an even keel and Kong’s sharing his bed and apartment, Arthit still seems uncomfortable with some of his sexual advances. While LATER after they’ve properly talked about it, he goes back to leaning into Kongs space and making flirty eyebrows.

So his deminess kind of means his aceness is variable even through the demidoor, like the door is wavering between open and closed. But it also doesn’t ever feel like his romantic feelings for Kong waver, just that the unstable grounding of their relationship boundaries lead to emotional instability which effect his sexual interest.

(Because I will take every excuse to use my Arthrit screenshots)

Kat in The Warp Effect (aromantic allosexual)

Honestly, Kat being Aro seemed basically canon during my viewing of The Warp Effect. She shows essentially no evidence of romantic feelings for anyone the whole series. (Though obvs people can want and have sex without wanting relationships and not be aro)

While Kat later tells Alex that she likes him (and tells Jean too) I don’t really feel like this mucks with the head-canon for a few reasons:

Kat is shown to be pretty monogamous when in sexual relationships with people even as she want’s no strings (she tells Alex he’s the only one she is currently having sex with (I think), she later tells Captain Asshole this and then later tells Tony this).

Thanks to Captain Asshole she begins to feel unsafe with the way she lives her life.

She initially wants to commit to Alex as the person she is most comfortable with, but we are not really shown any evidence of romantic feelings, just a desire for commitment.

She seems to reach a similar sort of balance with Tony in the OG Warp Timeline, but there still (to me) isn’t really evidence of romantic feelings

Aro people can, after all, want a committed and/or monogamous relationship.

Kawi in Be My Favorite (Alloromatic Asexual (not Demi IMO))

The reason I think he’s ace rather than demi is more about the language he uses even after he’s in love with Piseang (please see my thoughts about ace-kawi coding in ep 10 for more details if you're curious). Even after this wasn’t made explicit by the narrative, I stand by my thoughts around his lack of interest in sex in general. (As well as the coding in ep12 of him trying the rollercoaster and not liking it). It didn’t really feel to me like he gained sexual feelings for Piseang (unlike the vibes I personally got from Arthrit even if they wavered), more than he tried sex and enjoyed it enough to participate again in the future because he loved and felt comfortable with Piseang.

If you feel ambivalent about playing tennis, but your partner really likes playing tennis than maybe you make a point of playing tennis regularly even if it’s not something you’d think about doing on your own, because playing tennis with your partner is fun you know?

Of course, if tennis makes you feel icky, or really bored, you many not ever want to play it even if your partner enjoys it.

Khai in Theory of Love (demiromantic allosexual)

So Khai is my most recent addition to this post given I just finished ToL but he was so demiromantic it crushed me into pieces so he gets to be included! ways Khai feels demirom:

His confused realisation of feelings when he talks to his Phi at the beach.

He likes to keep things uncomplicated with the girls he’s seeing because he doesn’t do relationships.

He actually tries to take his relationships seriously but just never really seemed to genuinely want the romance.

Even after he realises he has romantic feelings for Third, when he returns back to him (after the beach reflection) he notices his sexual attraction more easily than his romantic feelings.

His confusion over how much he hurt when Third seemed to be choosing Un over him, and how it was the first time he realised how much Third must have been hurting because he’d never felt like this before.

The entirety of Ep12 with Third telling Khai what he feels isn't love (because Third has seen time and time again that Khai hasn't loved anyone before). Khai's attempts to prove himself even though he really understand what loving someone means, even as he follows his emotions, and tries hard to be “better” for Third because he does love Third, he chooses Third, he changes for Third, he cries for Third.

He also curls up in his room watching romantic movies for multiple days because Third tells him that what he's feeling isn't love and if it isn't then what is?)

Very relatable and also owie ouchie my brokenness feelings.

Lack of data points makes it tricky:

There are probably lots of other characters that COULD fall into a-spectrum, (just as there are reasons why these characters might not) but the thing I find the trickiest to navigate (for my headcanons) is lack of data points. Most characters in BL are in highschool/college, and this, combined with a desire for lack of messiness in story structure, means characters are often experiencing feelings ‘for the first time.’ Long term pining, childhood crushes, and first attraction to the same gender, all come into play and make evidence muddy and lacking a concrete foundation, from which to draw conclusions.

We can’t ask characters about their preferences, previous feelings, levels of emotion etc. so in my opinion conclusions can’t be drawn, only inferences made.

I don’t have a problem with anyone headcannoning these characters as not acespec.

I don’t have a problem with anyone headcannoning other characters as acespec.

Identities, Transience and Labelling

In discussing this post and my own framework with a couple of people I wanted to add a bit more of my personal experience with the ace label and the ace spectrum. Because the thing about both ace-ness and allo-ness is that they’re not equal all the time. Some people experience sexual attraction first or more frequently and may only experience romantic feelings later or less frequently. Some people feel romantic attraction before sexual, but only sometimes and sometimes people feel both at once and straight away, or both at once but only later on…

The romantic and sexual attraction spectrums are spectrums that everybody exists on and in existing on a spectrum some people have a firm placement and others a shifting one.

People who are ace-identified are typically those who have felt meaningfully different from their peers in the level and/or frequency of experiencing any sexual attraction and/or any romantic attraction and whose attraction is close to zero for one or both of those spectrums. They have thus sought out explanations for their difference and found the ace labels. Demi-ness, on either spectrum, then relates more to the way emotional(/intellectual) bonds, positive or negative, directly impact your ability to feel romantic or sexual attraction.

In the context of TV, for me, it’s picking up a photo of a character you love and being confused when they don’t seem right anymore. Its looking at a cast of beautiful humans and not really feeling anything but awe at their acting. It’s forgetting that characters were shirtless until the gifs show up on your dash the next day. It’s reading the definition of chemistry and not really understanding what it means. It’s not realising that there’s a difference between kisses where the lips move and kisses where they don’t because the way the characters talk and stand and stare means so much more. It’s so many things until you must notice because what you’re seeing and noticing and caring about is just…not the same as the things other people are seeing, noticing and caring about.

In the real world it’s messier, because aceness is sometimes framed as only 0%. Experiencing emotions outside of 0% can make the label feel hard to keep, or wrong or mismatched:

My 16-year-old-self called herself Asexual and was relieved to have found a reason why she felt so weird, even if it didn't quite fit right.

My 18-year-old-self called herself maybe-bi because both boys and girls can be pretty to look at, and this must be what crushes are right?

My 20-year-old-self called herself Asexual again (even though it still didn't fit right) because she’d tried things with one of these apparent crushes and it just felt…weird.

My 22-year-old-self called herself maybe straight afterall because she dreamed about kissing someone for the first time and that person was a boy.

My 24-year-old-self picked up demisexual and clung to it like a lifeline because why else would her attraction just be…gone. Was I broken?

My 25-year-old-self discovered demiromantic was also a label and felt like things finally made sense.

But what’s important to know is that at no point between finding the asexual label at 16 to finding the aromantic label at 25, was I not aro/ace. And that if I had settled on a non-aspec label after any one of my identity-questioning experiences, it wouldn’t have made me a liar at any age or negated the experience of other aspec people in any way.

Because what my 25-year-old-self now understands is that labels aren’t there to put you in a box and squeeze you into shape, nor are labels there to lay across your shoulders and weigh you down with their expectations.

The labels are a lifeline, a hand reaching out, a voice whispering in the darkness…

You are not, and have never been alone.

So, for me at least, to label characters as this or that, is not to box them in, instead it is pointing and gasping, look, look, that one is like me…or maybe, look, look, that one is like you.

When a character acts the way I would, thinks the way I would, talks the way I would I am again reminded that,

I are not, and have never been alone.

So please, label away, I don’t mind if we pick different labels. I just like that I can share my labels with you.

#Rturts is wondering #acespec in bl #for the queer #be my favorite #theory of love #the warp effect #love by chance #SOTUS #SOTUS S #asexuality #aromantic #ace spectrum #aspectrum #demisexuality #demiromantic #demisexual #aromantism #roc talks aro/ace

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our-arospec-experience · 2 months

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please ignore if this type of thing isn't allowed, however I'm an allo and I wanted to ask for an aro perspective since I've started dating an aro person. (they were the one who ultimately asked and I know it's something they really want)

they don't really know how to explain their aromanticism but they say they really love me in their own way and a way that they don't feel for other people, but insist they don't experience romantic attraction though their love isn't platonic either. I really want to and try to understand but I admittedly haven't been fully able to. I just accept that's how it is for them

I'm more sensitive to irrationally feeling unloved due to my mental issues, currently I'm stable so it's not an issue but at times my brains targets their aromanticism as a source of insecurity for me. obviously there isn't anything wrong with them being aro and the type of love they experience for me, but during those irrational times I struggle to dispel those thoughts

I feel bad coming to them about it since it's something they struggle to explain or even totally understand themself and already have expressed they sometimes feel bad they can't exactly reciprocate my romantic feelings

so in another attempt to gain a better understanding I wanted to hear from aros in romantic relationships with allos, what are your experiences? how do you feel about your relationship? what is it that's different with them that makes you want to be with them? anything else related or that you feel like I should know, feel free to share! I know being aro is extremely varied and shows in different ways so I know the situation may not be the same but I still feel like it'd help me understand and be helpful to reflect on in my future episodes

also, how do you and your partner bridge the gap between your differences? my partner is a very honest, direct person and hasn't ever expressed disliking my affection but has vaguely said sometimes they can't really understand the things that make me happy (meaning expressions of love) and I'm not sure how to go about that

I'm sorry if anything sounded rude or ignorant and feel free to correct me, I don't have much experience with aro people aside from my partner or the aro community

I'm glad you're trying to understand your partner better, and don't ever feel that it is rude to genuinely ask a question (it's very brave).

Unfortunately I don't have a partner, so I won't be much help, but any other aros, please feel free to comment and help anon!

The most advice I can give you, anon, is to talk to your partner. It might be hard, but it's often the best way to resolve issues, and avoid misunderstandings.

I hope you can figure it out :)

#our arospec experience #arospec #aromantic #aro #lgbtqia+#advice #can anyone help?

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entropy-sea-system · 7 months

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OK OK impromptu rant but I need to get this out there as I still feel somewhat connected to the aro community-

I have been watching the tags, I've been talking the people in my local a-spec community and I think it amazes me just how incredible the relationships put forth by aro and aces are, while the communities just don't reflect any of it.

I've stopped identifying with the aroallo label because there was no sense of community associated with it. The a-spec spaces are made for aces only and the ace stuff in them is abhorrent. I am tired of people passing it off as repulsion, while still seeing people saying "hookers" are disgusting in a-spec tags. I'm tired of people saying PDA is bad. I'm tired of people acting like aros and aces can only be clueless cinnamon rolls. I'm tired of people being so so so stuck in their own perspective of the world they act like people in romantic relationships can't be happy. So on and so forth.

The concepts we have are passionating. They're the coolest ones I've been exposed to in queer communities. However, nobody thinks about them. Nobody speak about them. All we have is endless messages about how the world is so so confusing or hatred directed at sex and romance. I get that but I wish we went even a tiny bit past that really. It's a community filled with adults that feels so immature and I honestly think there is some sort of self infantilization going on. I don't like that I don't have symbols that aren't associated with uwu smol bean dragon lover stuff. It makes me sick and is why I don't identify with it anymore but it's genuinely sad to see because technically that's still the people who will relate to me the most.

It feels like people are always desperate to understand how the norm works and how they can best align with it instead of fully experiencing their identity. And that's an understandable thing to do but the community is just that with sex and romance negativity sprinkled on top of it.

I wish they were angrier. I wish they were more introspective. I wish they thought about breaking the norms more instead of headcannoning every female character without a love interest as aroace and talking about how gross sex is. I wish I felt like I can connect with the people who are supposed to be at least partly like me.

Anyway you're cool and I hope you're doing well! Sorry to drop all of this onto you but yeah I trust you with my ranty feels about the community.

We didn't really expect this ask but thank you for sending it!!

There are a lot of issues with the aspec community, especially online, (we have no experience with irl ones yet). And what you described here explains the issues with it quite well.

I feel like most of the aspec community ends up catering to mainly aces, and to a lesser extent aros, and slightly to apls, while other atertiary is hardly discussed (and agender ppl often just lump w gender stuff instead even though its aspec). I think the community is also rather divided, personally.

We're in some discord servers w mostly other apls and aros/run by other apl aros (often also romo aro) and they tend to overall be normal about aspec identities without being negative about attractions or actions or gatekeeping aspec labels. Currently we logged off discord a bit but we have in the past been in aro spaces that had many of the issues you mention , and still come across people being that way on tumblr.

I think there is a problem where some aros think that calling romance inherently toxic is somehow "activism" and deny that romance negativity exists, then claim that they "don't have to consider every culture ever" when people state that some cultures are romance negative and do harm people for engaging in romance.

They seem to think its "punching up" and some alloaros in particular try to justify it by acting like the united states is the only country that matters and citing sex negativity as a reason for romance negativity "not existing". When aces do this about sex its harmful, but thats not supposed to be a reason to deny that being romance negative is toxic and harmful to others even if their country doesn't persecute people for engaging in romance.

I also personally see a some aros hesitant to id with ace or acespec terms that technically fit them because of how bad the ace community has been about sex and anyone who isn't ace, as well as aces and aros generally forgetting about atertiary ppl. Some of them prefer terms like lightspec or such or allospec partly because of that.

It's understandable that some people feel a disconnect from labels like aro and ace as a result of how the communities tend to be tbh. I've had moments when I didn't want to id as aro because of this, and I consider myself both aro and alloro due to my arospec orientation.

Also being tertiary repulsed and being repulsed by sex repulsion (it just happens to repulse me a lot to read about even if not stated in a sex negative way), makes it a bit hard to be around other aspecs. I feel really disgusted and triggered when other aros talk about squishes and qprs and friendships, even if I think they should be able to talk about that. Which makes it hard to be around some other aros.

I also get what you mean about people trying to align with the existing norm. I'm seeing a rise in people maligning labels they don't understand and this attitude of "the only kind of weird thats fine is the kind of weird I am", which the aspec community has certainly not been immune to either.

I feel like for some reason most aspecs I see online, especially aros, are minors? Maybe because the aromantic label only really caught on after 2005 iirc so older people less likely to have heard of it? Im not a huge fan of how aspec tends to be infantilised either. I find issues with how some of the aro symbols are very derivative of ace symbols because we are not some extension of ace we're our own community. I can also see how ppl may find it too infantilising to have symbols like frogs and griffons etc.

Also yeah what is with people doing that about characters who are women or girls and express that they don't want to get married??? Or even just don't have a love interest. I understand if aroaces want more headcanoned rep or non-aspecs I guess idk want to fill some headcanon diversity quota without actually supporting aspecs but.

Not wanting marriage or not having a love interest is not inherently equal to not wanting romance and/or sex. I feel especially that people like to assume not wanting to have children means not wanting sex (which I find pretty reductive in that its acting like thats the only reason ppl have sex, especially as a sex favorable person who doesn't want kids). And all aspecs deserve more canon rep to begin with. I think I have a gripe with ppls aspec headcanons almost always being alloace or aroace. It's like they forget other aspecs like apls, alloaros, neu aros, non sam aros, atertiary, etc. even exist!

Additionally I think its partly because romance is emphasized more for female characters that even fans decide to make their interpretations about romance/a lack there of as if its the character's only personality trait. In my opinion its just as obsessive about romance if someone thinks all there is to a character is not engaging in it. I also see people act like they're solely worried a woman/girl character is going to fall for a man/boy character they hc as aro but not often the opposite like. Just say you see romance as gendered/feminine in some way and go I guess lol.

I also feel like mainly allistic non-aspecs do this but when ppl hc an autistic character as ace or aroace it feels infantilising if theres literally no other rationale behind their headcanon. I feel desexualised at times as an autistic and thats mostly bc ppl pick up on some kind of nd thing and they assumed I'm too "innocent" to like romance or sex, or because they view us as "unable to consent"(which can be true of some people if their neurodivergence affects their ability to consent to things even as an adult, but isn't universally true.) . I think some of this perception is also rooted in eugenics (due to people equating sex with having kids and viewing disability and/or neurodivergence as a tragedy and thinking its 'bad' for disabled and/or nd ppl to have kids).

So I don't really appreciate implications that someone is ace just by virtue of being autistic. I think its also unfair to autistic aros and aces because our neurodivergence can influence our orientation, but being autistic does not mean that makes someone inherently ace and/or aro.

My physical disability is relatively mild and less talked about (chronic pain and fatigue), and I don't reveal it to most ppl(ppl who dont live with me won't know I get exhausted from non-taxing to abled ppl activities, and chronic pain is not visible at all and we can't get mobility aids due to not being independent yet) so Im not fully aware how people view my apl and aro identities in that regard.

And there is definitely an issue with aspecs trying to enforce NEW norms. They cry about how people are forced into performing romance and sex to fit in but then turn around and tell people they need to love or have friends or family or pets in order to be a good person. It's also very harmful to aspecs bc some of us are loveless or atertiary etc. in ways that aros and aces apparently hate lol. A lot of aros in particular are very platonormative.

The aro community is also rather hostile to romo aros. There are still people who exclude romo aros from the aro label or act like we have to bend over backwards and acknowledge that we are "amatonormative oppressors" for liking romance or feeling some connection to it.

I think also the meme about putting a box away on a tall shelf away from a child is relevant here. The word amatonormative is constantly misused by a lot of aros. I've seen aros call alloromantic apls "amatonormative" and act like "amatonormative" means 'person who engages in romance'.

Its not a term abt engaging in romance or liking it. It's also not an excuse to pressure people to have or like friends either. I think aros should have actual discussions about amatonormativity that aren't just US-centric and about romance(wow do aros love to ignore that monogamy, non-queer, cis, etc. are social categories deemed more valuable under amatonormative societal norms), instead of using it to describe anyone they deem as interested in romance .

On that note, a lot of them use some examples of toxic relationships as reasons to call romance toxic and almost advocate for romance to never exist(which is especially disgusting to see for me, as in my country a lot romance negative conservative rhetoric is literally worded the same way). These people almost never acknowledge that other relationships like friendship can be toxic too.

I think some of these people believe in 'morality of repugnance' in that they think if its something they personally find repulsive in some way, that means its inherently immoral, which is not conducive to having unbiased views of the world, or critical thinking. I think a lot of ppl my age and younger are especially trying to do this because Ive lost count of how many I've seen be like "ewww thats gross/weird and so its wrong/immoral", and literally spouting conservative rhetoric while thinking they're politically liberal/leftists, perhaps with different wording but yeah. (I think that one tumblr post abt ppl in that age range being 'conservative on accident', especially in the united states- though that is concerning given the way ppl from other countries tend to absorb american opinions and such too much, describes this phenomenon)

I think some aros are also still so caught up in how much of a tragedy they think their aromanticism is, and I feel bad for them but thats not all there is to being aro and its a bit weird when ppl act like it is.

I think one of the best things about being aspec for me is feeling more like I can engage in and not engage in relationships (Im only favorable to sexual partnerships w no label other than 'sexual partner', and romance only w two partners as of now, and completely averse to all tertiary/nonrose. before I fully realised my aspec identities i pressured myself to have friends and felt like I'd be obligated to be favorable to nonsexual romance if someone wanted that with me, to 'be an ally to aces', even though it repulsed me. I also felt obligated to want qprs especially after realising Im aro. Realising Im atertiary helped me stop forcing myself to want nonrose relationships.)

Anyways that was a lot of rambling but probably most of my opinions on the aro and some extent aspec community.

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ziptie-bouquet · 9 months

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Even if you don't identify as aromantic anymore, you should reblog your old posts from time to time.... They were so good

I'm really glad people liked my posts! This is probably the most attention I've ever got online, and it makes me really happy people related to me so much! I don't think I will reblog them tho.

The second part of the ask was:

Alright so, I got maybe 10 asks with this question over the last weeks (and a couple of hate asks, which made me want to not bring any more attention to it). I'm gonna answer it now in a big personal rant, I guess.

I got partners, left some and I had conversations with my friends about my feelings, and I think it made me reflect more on how I want to think about myself. I'm not sure if any of this is gonna make sense, but I hope it answers your question.

I realized the reason any feelings or interest I have disappear as soon as I start putting myself in boxes like "romantic/platonic/queerplatonic relationships" is just because they always come with more expectations and questions than just being me with someone else. I think I love people weirdly, and I don't feel the need to define it as romantic or non-romantic.

I want to exist outside of it all. If I label myself as aro, I don't feel like I fit in and if I call myself bi I don't feel like it's accurate either. I still have experiences I could attribute to either (no crushes or being uncomfortable when put in some romantic situations even with people I love, wanting to love people in a way that's gonna be I guess by all definitions romantic, etc). But I just feel greater than the sum of those parts.

I kinda have suspicions I'm ND which, if true, most likely do not make it easier for me to understand close relationships and what you'd normally classify them as. But I don't feel like I need to. I think I want to be incomprehensible with people and have fun!

Queer fits for being ambiguous and angry, but really I'm just me. I still hold the cool opinions you liked.

Also, even when I was labeling myself as aro, I felt a clear gap between me and the people here. Even with irl aros. That made me feel like I stood out more, and that's visible in my posts because I would talk about it pretty often.

Might be because I'm a very sexual person and all those spaces are unspokenly made for aroaces. Might be because I want deeper discussions than just what you typically see in aro spaces, which is gonna be memes about how allos are weird. Might be because I'm not aro, and I just don't feel like they do. I dont think it really matters, but I still think that aromanticism has extremely good concepts associated with it, and I wish more people would discuss them.

It tires me out to be associated with a community that prioritizes friendships so much and is riddled with romance/sex negativity even if I was fully 100% sure I'm aro. I know it's not everyone and I've met a lot of cool people in those circles, but it is still so tiring.

It pushed me to want to be myself more and dissociate from bigger queer communities. I'm grateful I got the support I needed then but I think I want to be a little weirdo who fake dates her friends and fucks the brains out of her partners.

#maybe im just really overcomplicating how relationship work #but hey i answered your question in a very detailed way i hope thats cool!#ask #aro #aromantic #aromanticism #aroallo #alloaro

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 3 months

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For a long time I thought I was allo (I'm ashamed to admit that I only learned the word allo in the last few years), but recently I started to think that I may be aroace.

I thought I had been romantically attracted to many people. But after learning about SOGI and reflecting on myself, I came across the mystery: "What makes me think I have been romantically attracted to someone?"

Sorry to make this a very personal story, but one of my parents was a person who did not care about me at all. That part of my life has influenced my personality development in a crazy way. I wanted a replacement for my parents, a replacement for my family - someone who would be sincerely committed to me. And it was complicated when someone I trusted, liked and wanted to get to know better treated me as unimportant, or when I learned that someone in their life was very important to them. I would put them in a box called "jealousy," and when I discovered that box, I would say, "Oh, I see, that's romance". But now I think those were not romantic attraction. I think it was more like a vague sense of frustration (I never had siblings, so I don't know if this is the right way to describe it) that my parents were so focused on their younger siblings that I might have become invisible and forgotten about in the family.

After I began to think that I might be an aroace, I read various aroace stories and sympathized with some of them, but most of the aros talked about how they had never been in love since they were little and that they did not fit in with the love talk around them. My distorted past does not fit there at all. I shared those things that I assumed were romantic attraction with my friends at the time and mingled in their talk. I am concerned that my behavior may have traumatized someone, and more importantly, I don't think I am qualified to call myself aro. Is it possible that I was romantically attracted to them, or that I was just crazy and not romantically attracted to them?

then, am I an uninvited guest to the aroace community, or are there aros like me who reconsider and say "that was not a love affair"?

Sorry for the long, rambling, and incoherent sentence.

It sounds like you're going through a difficult time, Anon. It sounds like apart from your questioning journey, you've also been isolated emotionally which is adding to the confusion. If accessible to you, you may want to consider therapy for this, make sure if you go this route that you find a therapist that will not try to treat your a-spec identity or treat it as at all the issue. (Remember you can change therapists at any time for any reason.)

For figuring out if you might be aro or not, it can definitely be difficult, especially if you're trying to analyse past experiences you're no longer experiencing. One thing that can help is to look at a label as something that describes your experiences now, not necessarily what you've experienced in the past. So whether what you were experiencing in the past was romantic attraction or not matters less than whether you're currently experiencing romantic attraction, so if this isn't something you've experienced in a while you're OK. Remember too that sometimes orientations can be fluid, and it is possible to be aro and have experienced romantic attraction in the past.

It can also be difficult to sort out your feelings when you're dealing with other complicated emotions, especially relating to figuring out your relationship to other people. It's also OK if you don't feel ready at this stage to decide if you're aro or not, there's no deadline to questioning, But I wouldn't say you're an uninvited guest, anyone who is questioning is welcome to explore and ask questions. No one own's these labels, there's no in-groups, these are just words that help people make sense of their experiences and find communities and others with similar experiences to theirs.

Hopefully this is helpful, Anon, but if you have questions or want to talk about anything in more detail, please do feel free to send in another ask. All the best and take care!

#mental health #trauma cw

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bonefall · 1 year

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hey, can i ask what your doing with sandstorm ? she’s one of my favorites in canon.

i know in better bones she’s not romantic with fireheart (bc he’s aro and that’s awesome heck yea) but he honor sires and co-parents with her. Also she’s redtail and runningflights kid and longtails sister, but i’d like to know more about her?

A thing i actually like about her that most people don’t is her sudden turn to being nice to fireheart, i mean, part of it anyways. i don’t like that in canon fireheart is just like “oh she’s nice now. hot” and doesn’t talk to her about it at all. BUT i do like that she decides to be nice to fireheart. that it’s character progression she does on her own, that it surprises fireheart.

I love the idea that as she got older, she had a moment where she realized that her animosity towards fireheart wasn’t really warranted (since she gets annoyed with how bb!dustpelt acts towards him too, maybe that’s a turing point for her here), that she dealt with her issues through self reflection, without fireheart noticing. I like the idea that she worked out most of her issues without talking to him, through her own strength, and then talks to him, apologizing and explaining why she acted like she did. and i think the catalyst, aside from dustpelt, shouldn’t be some moment like “he saves her in battle” it should just be some small act that he doesn’t even remember, that sets it all off, like giving someone their favorite food after they’ve had a really bad day, something small like that

idk i just really like sandstorm being able to deal with her issues on her own strength, showing how she’s matured, sorry for the wall of text lol

I feel you totally, this is all stuff I like about her too

100% of my problems with canon Sandstorm come from her mateship with Firestar, and the way the Erins write downright insufferable romance. I can't even have the satisfaction of being harsh towards FireSand, because it's one of the best in the cesspool of canon warrior ships.

She's great in Fire and Ice though! Something I really like about that book is how Fireheart is struggling with the question of if Clan life is really worth it, between Graystripe's distancing, the murder plot thickening, and still not fully fitting in with ThunderClan. Sandstorm is an extension of the entire Clan warming up to him, as he finally finds his place.

And something else I love, and think the romance plot gets in the way of, is how Sandstorm has her own mind and opinions. She's actually quite "traditionalist," distrustful of outsiders and unwilling to defy Bluestar’s will to stop war with WindClan. I like this about her! I think it's interesting that she isn't just Fireheart's waifu!

And that's the role I want her to have in Better Bones. She ALWAYS thinks for herself. She's an introspective and serious cat, a lot like her dad Redtail. Losing him was devastating to her, but she eventually asked herself: why DO I act like this towards Fireheart? Does he actually deserve it?

Eventually, her and Firestar are deep friends. See, Longtail is Firestar's DEPUTY, he doesn't go to him when he has a weird dream, he doesn't go for a walk in the woods and pop some rowanberries with him, he doesn't tell him about that time he tried to date Onewhisker. That's what he does with Sandstorm.

And eventually she wanted kits, and felt like doing that with her best friend was the best option. He'd raise furballs if it wasn't for her balancing his influence out.

But that aside, I enjoy her as a reliable but not ambitious warrior. She's close with her brother Longtail, lifelong friends with Dustpelt after he comes around, and a great mentor to Sorreltail

#Better bones au #Bb!sandstorm #Warrior cats analysis

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ticklepinions · 10 months

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Welcome to another episode of am I an asshole or just aroace.

Recently I've been in a situation where I've contemplated my sexuality a lot. My best friend has been telling me all about their dating escapades and honestly I'm a bit over it. Obviously as a friend I want to support someone I care about, but I just get into this mood I can't really explain??? I get so disinterested and even feel a bit hurt in a way. So ofc I do some reflecting and I think I found an answer.

A lot of my friendships with people ususlly looked different when they were romantically involved with someone. They would obviously need to prioritize their romantic partner, but sometimes I felt discarded. And i feel like we don't talk about that enough. I mentioned it a bit in my other post but to be pretty much replaced by someone you only know for a short amount of time feels some typa way. And I get it- I won't be priority #1 and I'm okay with that. But I feel like sometimes, men especially, have this toxic idea that their partners become their everything. And in turn, (in my case at least), pay less attention to their friends since their partner is now their sole support system.

So I think there's this small voice in my head telling me that when my friend(s) do find a partner, I'm just gonna be cast aside. I would be absolutely elated if my friend did find someone though, i just know for myself it would be an adjustment.

I feel like loneliness for an aroace person hits a bit different. Especially as I'm getting older, and seeing all of the people I know get into relationships, get married, and/or having kids. My family always asks when I'm going to get a partner (I haven't and probably couldn't come out to them safely). So many times I've been told I haven't found the "right person" or my aroace identity is "just a phase". And it's just gotten so old and bothersome at this point.

I can't even discern what thoughts are my own or the internalized aro/acephobia thats been deeply entrenched in my mind. I feel like I'm trapped in a state of just not knowing. And i get it, I have time, I can discover a different identity that makes more sense for me. But I don't want it!? I feel the most myself being asexual and aromantic (i think!). It's just that having to explain why or justify my existence is getting so exhausting. The way platonic love is just automatically pegged to be the least of all the other loves is just so sad to me.

I know about qprs and honestly they sound pretty dope but idk I might just end up with this loneliness eating away at me. The relationship I'd want with a person just seems so niche and unrealistic. I'm just real tired of living up to others expectations in every sense possible. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being stuck in this in-between of caring so much but not at all.

and I shouldn't have to feel like I have to be in a relationship of any kind to be whole 😩. But I think for myself I'd want it? But not the way society has envisioned it y'know?

#aroace #asexual #aromantic #onionpeelings #i don't think it helps that I'm insecure about literally every aspect of my being #they should invent a life thats not complicated #also I do not have thoughts that flow coherently so thank you for reading this jumbled mess of mine #love seeing people in love but hate that it's not for me? idk #try not to feel like a broken human while aro and/or ace challenge (impossible)#ace #aro #amatonormativity

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 10 months

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Do you have any tips for writing Carlisle? For example, episodes from his work, human life, or something else?

General Writing Advice

Personally, I find writing scenes without purpose extremely difficult/not producing the best results. Obviously, everyone's unique, but if the characters don't have anything to do then they tend to just sit around not having anything to do.

Even something like a one-shot should have a point (reflection on an event, relationship, etc.).

So taking an episode from his work, human life, or anything else without asking the question "why am I showing this" or "what point am I trying to make" to me is the wrong way to approach it.

If you want the character to do something, he should have something to do.

Writing Characters in General

Once again we get into the weird realm of how I personally write the man versus how everyone else might. There's a lot of interpretations of Carlisle across fandom and even if I don't agree with all of them based on what we see in the text, none of them are wrong. Fandom's about having fun which means you can do whatever the fuck you want.

If movie Carlisle is your game, go for it, if fanon Carlisle's your man, go for it.

The trick with any character is to be consistent. You should have an understanding of them such that if X happens you know they'd respond with Y. This keeps the story from feeling contrived and as if they're being forced to react in whatever way the author wants them to.

If you keep it consistent and you write well then readers won't really care if it lines up with their exact interpretation of the character.

Tips on Writing Carlisle

A lot on Carlisle Cullen in here

However, I assume you came to my house for a reason and that you're asking specifically how to characterize Carlisle Cullen in the way that I and @therealvinelle do.

So, I'll give the general roundup characterization advice we've given for other characters in the past (thus far Aro and Lily Evans).

Carlisle is Religious

Carlisle is fundamentally a religious character. This is brought up in canon and is one of the first things you learn about him: he believes in God.

Now, this one is also very tricky as I've seen a lot of writers having no idea where to even start with this. Most writers I see... the only way I can describe it is they write a very Catholic, flagellating, God-fearing Carlisle Cullen. This is how writers in general write any religious character. That's fine, that is a way to interpret his character, but it's not what @therealvinelle and I go for.

Our thoughts are that Carlisle had to do a lot of philosophizing after becoming a vampire and essentially has his own doctrine. Because of this, out of the Cullens, he's one of the least haunted by what he is personally (a vampire) and is not necessarily married to interpretations of the bible we see in either the past or even the modern day. (The man canonically advocates abortion).

Regardless of how you choose to interpret him, you have to address the religion in some way or another.

Carlisle Thinks a Lot

We're talking about a guy who did the above section (rethink his religion) upon becoming a demon. He had large problems (such as trying not to eat people) and yet this is something he spends significant time and thought on.

We're talking about a very introspective guy then who is interested by abstract ideas and the way the world works. (As opposed to Emmett who would have no interest in such things).

This is probably not going to apply just to religion but to a lot of other facets including "should I turn dying people into vampires" (something he canonically confesses pondering to Bella), "what the fuck is up with Renesmee biologically" (less esoteric but still a very nerd topic with no real answers until Nahuel comes around).

Not to mention pre-canon his regard for the Volturi who were probably the most learned of the vampires he ever came across.

Carlisle is noted to have pursued several different fields before settling on becoming a doctor.

We're talking about someone very curious about the world, to the point where he's clearly not bored/moping after 350 years (as opposed to Edward who's only been doing this 100 years and is a brooding bored mess).

He's someone who wants to do things, learn things, and be a part of the world and keep up with it.

Carlisle's Way or the Highway

Canonically, Edward had to leave when he left the diet. Granted, Edward chose to do this of his own accord, but Carlisle didn't chase him down or try to negotiate with him.

You either try to do the diet to the best of your ability or you're out.

Edward was already a very close companion of Carlisle, Carlisle had broken down after three hundred years of loneliness, not to mention Edward was very distressed and very young: didn't matter.

What this says that is for better or worse Carlisle will stick to his principles even if those closest around him do not.

An important note on this is because of this Carlisle assumes that his family, those around him, share the exact same principles even if they do not (for all the Cullens think that they share them as well). It's unthinkable to him, even in canon where he sees evidence now and then, that they don't actually care that much for human life and more the Cullen lifestyle and moral superiority of it all.

He's Ridiculously Stubborn

We're talking about someone who crawled into rotting potatoes while dying, managing to stay silent, then crawling his way out of London without eating anyone and spending the next N days trying to kill himself until he crawled into the woods to starve painfully to death.

He discovers the animal diet, lives on cardboard for the rest of his life despite having a few morsels of blood here and there as he starts turning people, even when Aro's literally dropping corpses on the floor in front of him.

He then leaves Volterra despite having no idea where he's going, a good chance of getting killed, all for the chance that he might find someone on the diet or convince someone to do it.

He is unbelievably stubborn to the point where... Edward and Bella are close contenders but Carlisle's doing very well in the stubborn race himself.

The exception is that he compromises when it comes to his family/things that don't just affect him. In Twilight, he wants to move when it's clear Bella's Edward's singer and the van incident occurs. Nobody else wants to move though and Alice announces Edward's in love with Bella so... they stay... he guesses... In the Bella/Edward relationship, like everyone else, he lets Edward handle that one as it's not really his business.

He's Very Likeable

Everybody likes Carlisle. To a really weird extent actually, and by far he's the most outwardly charming of the Cullens.

Otherwise

You got anything else, @therealvinelle

#twilight #twilight renaissance #writing advice #carlisle cullen #meta #opinion #vinelle #therealvinelle

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saintmeghanmarkle · 15 days

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Recap of Juicy Scoop episode w/Spencer Pratt from April 23 2024 re: polo show by u/RBXChas

Recap of Juicy Scoop episode w/Spencer Pratt from April 23, 2024 re: polo show Spotify link: https://ift.tt/AX2jUMs at ~32:35Heather asks Spencer if he’s gotten any jam, and Spencer sounded confused and said he thought she was doing some coffee thing. Then Heather got confused and asked if M was working at a coffee shop like Ben Affleck making donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts. (They go on a bit of a tangent here, so I’ll skip ahead.)Heather asks Spencer if he’s a M fan (he says he’s a big fan) and if he thinks her creating ARO is a good move. She says that some say it’s a long name but is supposedly the actual name of the orchard “in which she lives on or where she’s grabbing her berries from.” Spencer says he would be more excited if she figured out a way to be on a reality show without saying she’s on a reality show, and he feels like “the polo show” is the way to do that. Heather asks what that is. Spencer says M is executive producing it with H and goes into how Heidi used to go to polo matches in Santa Barbara and thought it would make a good reality show, so he told her that now the show she always wanted is getting made, except it’s even better because it has H&M in it. He said these are some of the richest people who get together and drink. Heather basically expresses that she doesn’t know anything about polo. Spencer recounts what we all saw about the cameras being at the recent polo match in Florida.They move on to talking about Harry’s announcement that his official residence is no longer in the UK as of June of 2023. Spencer says it could be “a tax thing”, and Heather says she doesn’t know about that but thinks that they tried the documentary thing and the podcast thing, realized it was harder than it seemed, so now the cameras just follow them around because that’s what we all want to see, since they hang around with rich people who can just hop on private jets and go to things, then throw in a charity event here or there to make it look like they care about people.Spencer says he saw “the best clip” from the polo match after the trophy ceremony. Heather interrupts to say that he’s talking about old footage, the stuff where M is trying to take the trophy, but Spencer corrects her and says that this is something from the recent polo match. He goes on to describe the lady who stood next to H, but M whispered something to her to make her move away, which Spencer says is the show he wants to watch. (In other words, he wants to watch some drama.) Heather says that M is beautiful and stylish and that even if you don’t like her, you’re still intrigued, so Netflix should go for it.Spencer lamented that M and her team still haven’t figured out a way to get in with Taylor Swift, which is “such a no-brainer”. M and Taylor could hang out while H and Travis could hang out, and Travis has a new show that H could go on._______________________________My take? Nobody in the US cares about polo, and IMHO, making a documentary about a sport that’s too expensive for most people to play is not exactly a good look. “Waaaah, King Pa cut me off, waaaah, M can’t even afford her own lip gloss, waaaah, I can barely see through my tears when I brush my ponies, and the only thing I have to wipe my tears is the wads of hundred dollar bills that my pockets can’t seem to contain.”However, I think people will watch if only to see how gruesome H&M are. I certainly won’t tune in but will have my eyes peeled for recaps. post link: https://ift.tt/FSVXMjz author: RBXChas submitted: May 01, 2024 at 02:45PM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit disclaimer: all views + opinions expressed by the author of this post, as well as any comments and reblogs, are solely the author's own; they do not necessarily reflect the views of the administrator of this Tumblr blog. For entertainment only.

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adelarsims · 1 year

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This is Zach, a bad guy with a good heart. Uni dropout, smarter than others think, and kinder than he tries to let on.

He's rude, swears a lot, has a short fuse but is crazy loyal to people he's close with, surprisingly nice to elders because he had a grandma that loved him and was kind to him even when he behaved like shit, and back then he wasn't always kind to her so now he feels bad about that, he's really good at math, makes arm jokes that make people uncomfortable, and his go-to playlist is actually softer than you'd expect.

He's 27 years old. Closeted bisexual slightly leaning towards men without really thinking of it more than of just a good friendship (he emotionally connects with guys easier and needs a bit more time to warm up to a girl), plus he's not really romantic in general to reflect on these feelings too much. His best idea of romance is sitting on a car trunk somewhere in the middle of nowhere and eating junk food together, trash talking each other, laughing loudly and bumping shoulders.

Zach trivia:

he despises people who pick on someone way smaller or only when they outnumber someone. pick someone your own size, assholes!

there was one shy guy in school who considered zach a kind person and his friend, despite zach being a troublemaker and constantly picking up fights, and despite the fact that they didn’t hang out and barely ever talked, because when this guy talked and others started to talk over him, zach yelled at them to shut the fuck up until the guy could finish the story.

he listens to music a lot but pays more attention to the rhythm than to lyrics. lyrics can be good or a complete trash and he will still listen to it just the same if the beat is right.

about arm jokes: like when he's asked what time is it by someone who doesn't know about his arm, and he lifts his left arm up, as if he’s going to look at the time, and says, “oh shit, i forgot my watch at home”. he also uses expressions with words "hand" or "arm" in them (like "i need a hand" or "it will cost me an arm and a leg") unnecessarily often, precisely because people usually awkwardly avoid using these words around him.

he also makes up all kinds of stories about how he lost his arm, like "the shark bit it right off while i was surfing in Sulani"

but at the same time, he hates when people recognize him by missing an arm, or pay too much attention, or it's the first thing they think about him. "yeah, yeah, no arm, alright. dude, it's not my whole fucking personality!"

unlike many of my other characters with their problematic family backgrounds, zach has very normal, average family that has its communication problems occasionally but in general is loving and supportive.

he’s a huge sweet tooth but doesn’t indulge too much around others because “sweets are girls' thing” yup he has some weird gender stereotypes like that. yeah, leave him with a few snickers bars unsupervised, and see how soon he'll start stuffing his face.

was a part of math competition team at school until he started hanging out with a bunch of good for nothing dudes, so he’s like smarty smart actually. even though not many ppl care to know about that.

he was really short until late teenage years and was very self conscious about that. he was afraid that he's gonna stay short forever and had sudden growth spurt only after 18.

his full name is, unsurprisingly, Zachary, but no one ever calls him that except for his mom when she's mad and he's in for an earful.

he's had commited (ish) relationships a couple times, but usually they tend to not last. he knows that he's "supposed" to have a girlfriend because everyone else does, but he doesn't know what exactly he's supposed to feel towards her, so he mostly treated his girlfriends like his bros, and girls weren't happy about that dynamic in a long run.

i'm not sure but i think he might be aromantic or somewhere close to aro spectrum. he doesn't really understand the appeal or feel the need for love talks and illogical romantic gestures, and they don't make him weak in his knees. and while he would probably want a solid relationship, for him it's more about partnership and having each other's back through thick and thin. oh, and ofc a lot of sex. he has pretty high sex drive.

he can whistle masterfully and likes songs with long whistle solo because he can whistle along and show off (like "wind of change", "other people" or this one whistle song from "kill bill").

#s:zachary #adelar shows imaginary people #adelar’s storytime #sims 4 character

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