[Image description: The words, "AROS & ACES belong in OUR SPACES," coloured using the colours of the aromantic pride flag, asexual pride flag, and the 9-stripe Gilbert Baker pride flag. The text is overlaid on a blurry image of lavender flowers.]

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i was inspired to make a text graphic based on one of my first and most popular posts

Ranting about aroace exclusionists a bit: tl:dr my issue is not even the exclusion at this point, it's the lack of respect for ace and/or aro experiences and identity.

Saw one of those whole "should aces belong in queer spaces" debates making the rounds and it got me thinking about some exclu points like. Notably one I kept seeing was along the lines of not feeling safe in queer spaces with "straight" people and like. Okay. We have different ideas of queerness but I sympathize with the sentiment even if I disagree. But it got me thinking about how, if a space is mostly exclusionist towards aces and aros... why would we (aces and/or aros) be there anyway?

Like, I as a queer person (nonbinary and romantically ??? Something not straight) and also as an ace, I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a space like that, even if my more acceptably queer identities were fine there. Because in my experience exclus, kind or not, aren't understanding enough of ace experiences to where I could see that part of me being accepted enough to be open about it.

If any exclus read this for whatever reason: are you as normal about aces and aros as you think? Do you *actually listen* to us? Bc most I've encountered 1) don't have pretty basic definitions of identities on those spectrums correct (aromantic is never mentioned? Gray or demi labels? Hell half the time the definition of ace is wrong), and by extension downplay and dismiss ace and aro experiences. Not even just about like, people being bullied or the more oppressive experiences like that. But like, do you realize that being ace and/or aro can just affect everyday shit?? Shows and movies I like and why are affected by this. The way I practice my religion is affected by my aceness. It is, in fact, an important part of me that is reflected in everything I do. And AVEN is a website, guys. Cmon.

My point is, why would I waste time in a space where the people (no matter how many times you say "aces are valid!!! Just not lgbt") consistently show a complete lack of care or willingness to actually learn about or understand mine and other's experiences? Why would I feel comfortable or safe, even, being in a group that not only doesn't understand asexuality, but isn't willing to try (as friends, comrades, community, etc) to understand me, as an asexual person?

I'm not invading exclu lgbt spaces because I have better friends and allies than that. I have better places to be.

And if you're exclusionist and me asking/saying these things bothers you, maybe make a better effort to be allies to aces and aros. Because for all your talk about us and your valid posts I don't see you making an effort for us. Do better!! Prove me wrong!! Make me eat my angry words!! Want us out? Support ace and aro spaces then! Get our fucking words right! Listen to us!

It is forever amusing and baffling to me when ace exclusionists complain about TERFs only to then use TERF rhetoric against aces and aros. Including, but not limited to:

“aces/aros aren’t LGBT because they don’t have our sacred shared experiences”

“why don’t they just make their own community and leave us alone?”

*weird comment about autistic people that implies autistic people can’t think for themselves*

“Just Let Kids Be Kids”

“The transes aroaces are tricking kids into thinking they’re trans aroace when in reality they’re gay/lesbian, and I know this for certain even though I have never met this hypothetical child.”

“you being proud of and happy with your identity is an attack on me, personally, and by extension my entire community”

“your identity is homophobic, no I won’t explain how”

“This movement is actually mostly straight people trying to push their way into gay spaces” ��-that’s actually not true and didn’t you just say that aces are just manipulated gays?” “How dare you apply logic to my assholery.”

For the record, I do think TERFs are worse than ace exclusionists in that they are influencing policy and lawmaking, but how many similarities do you have to have before you realise?

none of the arguments you listed are the ones we actually make. the argument is cis straight people aren’t queer. cis straight aces aren’t queer. lgbt aces are.

it’s not aphobic because aces aren’t being excluded—cis straight people are being excluded.

This isn't really a question, but I'm going to answer because someone may find it helpful.

The examples I listed are often used, (especially the oppression one) but the argument Anon mentioned is probably the most common one. I didn't include it though because I wanted to keep things lighthearted, pointing out the ironic, self-contradictory arguments. Whereas Anon's argument isn't as comical. But now that we're here, we might as well talk about it...

°✧*Rant time°✧*。

Heteromantic aces are not straight. Straight means you are heteromantic and heterosexual.

The fact that they can be romantically attracted to someone not of their gender doesn't cancel out their asexuality or make them suddenly relate to straight people's experience. They still experience sexuality differently than straight people. It doesn't they are safe from aphobia just because they're heteromantic. They still need a safe place away from the people who want to "fix" us. Believe it or not, the straights™ hate cishet aces too. Because they're still ace. they're still queer.

If someone is bi they aren't suddenly straight just because they experience heterosexuality along side homosexuality. Cis gay allos are cis & allo like straight people but that doesn't make them straight because they're gay. Similarly, cishet aces are cis & hetero like cis straight people, but they're not straight because they're ace. It's okay to have a couple of things in common with straight people, you're still queer.

What a lot of people don't realize (probably due to lack of representation) is that being ace or aro is its own unique experience even if you are hetero as well. Especially in the sex-obsessed, amatonormative world we live in.

Sometimes other queer people only focus on the hetero aspect of it, ignoring the fact that asexuality and aromantism are inherently queer on their own. Allos seem to separate it in their minds and think about it like this: "Look! That person is a

H E T E R O M A N T I C asexual. "

As if the asexuality doesn't completely change the way they experience the hetero attraction anyway. Their asexuality isn't just about what they don't feel, it's also about the way it effects what they do feel. Being ace is so much more nuanced than just "people who feel little to no sexual attraction." I can't explain all of it but, another thing about being aspec is, it feels like you're looking at life through a completely different lense. and understandably, if you aren't aspec and don't know much about aspecs' experiences, how are you supposed to know that? (Not that ignorance excuses aphobia)

Most hetero aces say that before they knew what asexuality was, they always had thoughts like, *"I'm really bad at being straight, I must be doing it wrong." Or *"I must be broken, I can't relate to straight people or gay people." Or *they just think they're bi until they figure it out ages later. And if they were straight they wouldn't even have to explain their sexuality to straight people in the first place. I imagine hearing someone call them straight must be baffling. Like, you've got to be kidding me!

*sidenote: straight people don't have those thoughts

I've even seen many gay and mspec aces and aros say that the aspec side of their identity makes them feel more queer and that it affects more things for them than their homo or mspec identity. Of course not all of them feel that way but it just goes to show you that even gay aspecs can tell you that being aro or ace is inherently queer.

Lastly aspecs have been part of the lgbtqia+ community since the beginning, even before the words asexual and aromantic existed. People can argue all they want but it doesn't change anything. You don't get to choose what other people identify as or whether they are in the community or not, that's up to each individual. They're here, they're queer let's give them a cheer! 🎉 🏳️‍🌈 👏👏👏

If you read this far, have some cake:

🍰 🍰 🍰

as new people follow me just a friendly reminder that my blog is not exclusionary towards any queer identity.

exclusionary discourse should've ended in 2014 😭

Fluffy Aro

A term for when you are on the aro spectrum and are also fat/chubby/fluffy.

(I like to use “fluffy” as a cute way to say fat/chubby, I usually say it while describing myself)

This term is meant to create pride and to help normalize being fat/chubby because no one should have to feel ashamed of their weight/size.

Coined by: @arcticflowerz

Do NOT call someone a fluffy aro unless you know they are okay with it/they already identify as it. Do NOT use this term as a way to discriminate against fat/chubby aro people.

Also, do not repost my flags/the things I coin with out credit.

This term can be used by any aro person that is fat/chubby. I do not support ace/aro exclusionism.

Here’s the links to the Fluffy Aroace, Fluffy Ace, Fluffy Aqueerplatonic, and Fluffy Asensual versions.

Shoutout to all the aroace folk who feel left out. To the asexual people who wish they could just enjoy it like everyone else, even if it grosses them out. To the aromantic people who want to be loved closely so much, but they are only wanted to be close to if its romantic. The aspec people who are so confused with their attraction it just makes them want to cry.

The aro people who want adventures and cuddles and just a few people they can spend the rest of their lives with. Aro people who are scared to love the way they want to, because either someone will fall for them or take it the wrong way.

The ace people who have a libido, but it feels wrong when someone else is involved, so they feel broken. The ace people who want a romantic relationship, but not a sexual one.

To the aspec kids who were told "You're still figuring it out", "you're just a kid", "its a phase", or "you just haven't met the right one yet".

The aspec people who just want to be loved, and think no one will ever love them the way they want to be loved.

To the entire aspec community. Since we are always left out. Even though we aren't broken.

Because, yeah. Me too.

To all the people who think aspec people aren't LGBTQIA+ because we aren't "discriminated against enough", here's a lovely list of reasons why you need to educate yourself:

- We suffer from dehumanisation, people actively devaluing or even erasing our humanity because of our identities (The voidpunk community is heavily supported by aspec people because of this)

- We suffer from self hatred due to feeling as if and being told we are broken, that no one can be happy unless they're in a romantic/sexual relationship, because of allonormativity and amatonormativity that actively damages our mental health

- Amatonormativity shapes laws that put us at an active disadvantage, such as giving married people financial and legal benefits

- Aspec people have been victims of conversion therapy, correctional rape, a lower quality of life, and other effects of being a marginalised and oppressed group

- We suffer from our identities being pathologised and deal with medical stigma because of this, causing many of us to feel unwelcome in and even avoid health care settings

- We suffer from our identities being erased, which can range from people completely denying our existence and people equating it to celibacy, to an almost complete absence of aspec representation in the media (It's been getting better lately, especially for alloaces and aroaces, but I have yet to ever see a canon aroallo character, and representation for those on the spectrum rather than in the extremes is often ignored)

- YOU are creating a hateful, exclusionary space in a community meant to be about inclusion. The same thing that happens to us happens to bisexual people, to polyamorous people, and other identities that are "disputed." In a community meant to be about rejecting the norm, YOU are shoving us out because we don't fit the norm of being LGBTQIA+. Because we're not enough like you.

These are only a few examples of aphobia that people like me deal with. Discrimination and oppression against aspec people stretches far beyond this.

But even if it didn't, it is disrespectful and harmful to everyone involved to gatekeep membership in the community based on oppression and discrimination.

We aren't LGBTQIA+ because we experience oppression. We are LGBTQIA+ because our existence alone goes against heteronormativity and other societal norms forced upon us.

You're not LGBTQIA+ inclusive if you police transgender or intersex bodies, and expressions.

This goes out to transgender and cisgender people everywhere. I don't care if you're gay, bi, lesbian, aro, ace, an ally, etc.

If you think art, literature, or media shouldn't depict men with boobs and a vagina, or flat chested women with penises, because it's "fetishistic", let me be very damn clear: if you don't get the same feelings from seeing cisgender men and women in the same situations, you are the one oversexualizing trans bodies, not the artist, author, animator, or producer. You aren't being an ally, you're promoting bigotry; go check yourself.

I'm quite frankly tired of walking into supposedly LGBTQIA+ friendly spaces only to find out that my presence is unwanted because I don't conform to the cisgender man and woman body expectation. You're not an ally to me or people like me, you're a fucking threat preying on the hope the acronym and flag provide that say you'll be kind and inclusive. And frankly, thats awefully shitty of you, more shitty than just dropping the T or I from the acronym and putting up signs I'm not allowed, because at least you're letting me know in advance to stay away and not telling me I'm disgusting and unacceptable to you to my face.

I exist, and I shouldn't have to conform to cisgender male or female expectations to be recognized for my existence.

"Aro/aces aren't part of the lgbtq+ community , they don't face any oppression "

The LGBTQIA+ community is for people who deviate from the cishetnorm. Its for people that don't fit the image of liking the opposite gender sexually and romantically, while identifying as their AGAB.

Aros and aces don't fit into the ideal hetronormative identity therfore THEY ARE PART OF THE COMMUNITY

normalize being a little bit in love with your friends

normalize being not at all in love with anything

normalize love being confusing and weird as hell

normalize love not being romantic

normalize love not being

normalize not loving

normalize loving in the wrong way

just. normalize being unapologetically yourself

Daily reminder that using "asexual" as an umbrella term for ace-spec identities is fine and good.

But also,

Daily reminder that using "asexual" as an umbrella term for ace *and* aro-spec identities is not.

Aromanticism is not a subset of asexuality, and should not be grouped under the term asexual as if it is. Doing so erases aromantic allosexual people by making being asexual a barrier to entry to being aromantic.

No, it doesn't matter that's how it's been used in the past. Terminology changes. No, it doesn't matter if you don't mean it that way, people trying to figure out their identity will still see that you're grouping aromantic under asexual and assume they can't be aromantic because they're not asexual (partially why it took me so long to figure out I'm aro).

That's all.

What is more aro than reworking the very definition of love?

like oh my god. yes ikora is extremely aromantic. yes chalco is the love of her soul. yes it's entirely platonic and all-consuming. yes she's also demi for eris. yes it's incredibly lesbian/sapphic. yes that's equally important. yes this does incorporate them into the greater reef polycule. what's not clicking

Y'know I identified as asexual for like, a WHILE before eventually realizing I wasn't, and honestly I regret nothing. I mean I was like 15/16 and Mormon (repressed exmo gang eyy✌️) so it's not like I'd be having sex anyway, I wasn't missing out on anything (and aces aren't "missing out" in general, they're doin their own thing and I love that). But in my case identifying the way I did allowed me to step back and just. Get in tune with my emotions and attractions and everything. I'd realized I liked girls at 13 and instantly I thought that meant I had to sexualize them, objectify them even. And that led to a lot of awkward interractions and feeling like shit about myself for being creepy (didn't help that I'm autistic and had trouble figuring out what was too much). So I really think I needed to be ace for a while. I needed that time to let myself desexualize love and attraction in my brain until I was in a place where I could express sexuality in a healthier way. In a similar way I think it was good that I went through so many gender and sexual/romantic orientation labels before settling on what I am now, because it allowed me to analyze why I identify this way and what it means to me. My identity is stronger and more solid because of the way I grappled with it throughout highschool, and I learned a whole lot about other communities along the way!

question: for my lesbian oriented aroaces, what do you primarily call yourself?

1) lesbian oriented aroace

2) oriented aroace lesbian

3) aroace lesbian

4) oriented aroace

5) other