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riddlerosehearts · 3 months

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silver twisted wonderland is strongly autistic coded and, although most likely completely unintentional, really good autistic representation in my opinion and i wanna talk about why 💚

okay, so. as an autistic person myself, i love to see myself in fictional characters and headcanon characters i can relate to as autistic. i personally feel that you don't necessarily need evidence to do this, but i do like having evidence and being able to back up my headcanons! and i've thought of silver as autistic-coded ever since a couple months after i first got into twisted wonderland early last year, and have been wanting to make a post on his many autistic traits since october. i should warn in advance that this is probably going to be a long post, which is why i'm putting it under a cut. so with all that being said, let's get into it!

silver takes people's words very literally. all the time.

the first time i called silver autistic-coded, in a message to a friend of mine, was when i was sharing my thoughts on the endless halloween/spectral soiree event and i reached this scene between him and jamil:

in this scene, jamil exclaims "you've got to be kidding me!" in frustration and silver misinterprets this as jamil thinking he was trying to make a joke, and then tries to explain what he actually meant. he also does something like this in leona's ceremonial robes vignette, when leona responds to silver's assumption that he and malleus are friends with "you're dreamin'. come back and talk to me once you wake up. or better yet, don't", and then silver replies: "in fact, i am very much awake". and in ruggie's PE uniform vignette, ruggie tries to joke about teaching silver to haggle "if you ever end up on the street" but silver responds by genuinely thanking him, to ruggie's surprise. this type of overly literal thinking and clear difficulty with understanding sarcasm is incredibly common in autistic people and silver does it all. the. time. i'm only giving a handful of examples because it would take way too long to try and compile every single instance of this.

similarly, silver tends to take what people say at face value and assume that others have good intentions where most people would not.

examples of this include the fact that, also in leona's ceremonial robes vignette, silver believes leona without question about having seen malleus in the greenhouse even though it should be obvious that leona is lying. and, in silver's broomquet/bloom birthday card voice lines, when azul gives him a coupon for his birthday, silver is told that there must be a scheme "behind this gift" and responds by saying that there's nothing written on the back of it--or, in another translation, he's told that there's "something fishy" about it and replies that it's not a coupon for seafood. so he not only doesn't even consider that azul of all people might have an unsavory motive for gifting him a coupon, but he also misunderstands a common turn of phrase. these are very common traits that cause autistic people to be thought of as oblivious and naive.

silver has trouble understanding social conventions and nuances in general, and has ways of thinking that seem strange to others.

in silver's birthday boy voice lines, he apologizes to yuu for not realizing why they were asking what he wanted a while back and having answered with "more time for training", and he also thinks yuu is odd for being excited when it's not their own birthday. in his PE uniform vignette he tries to help vil with a film club project by starring as an extra in a short film, but vil ends up getting angry with him because silver can't figure out when he's "supposed" to act surprised. he also surprises and confuses others by treating events like the culinary crucible and beanfest in unusually serious and overdramatic ways, with the latter event causing vil and riddle to discuss how difficult it is to tell when he's joking--during which riddle, who spends a lot of time around silver as a fellow member of the equestrian club, notes that silver isn't the type to tell jokes. jack and jamil have a similar discussion after silver tells them about how he befriended a family of bears as a child, during the endless halloween event. and in his birthday boy vignette, he talks about how ever since sebek grew taller than him, he's been asking sebek to get the dishes from the top shelf, which always causes sebek to get a "triumphant look" on his face. and then, rather than realizing sebek is taking pride in being taller than him, silver says he thinks that he must "get enjoyment out of fetching things from high places".

again, there's way too many examples of silver doing things like this and i don't want this post to be so long that it's impossible to read. but this is all just very autistic of him and these are the kinds of things that cause us to be thought of as weird, stupid, and annoying by our peers.

silver has flat or blunted affect.

the word "affect" refers to how one portrays emotion, through gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. if you have a flat or blunted affect, your emotions will come through very little, no matter how strongly you may feel them, and it can be incredibly difficult for others to tell if you're happy or sad or what you're feeling at any given time. this is something autistic people commonly experience, and silver has this with his lack of facial expression in particular. in-game, silver has extremely little variance in facial expressions compared to every other character, and even his one rarely used smiling expression--while adorable and always a delight to see--is more of a small half-smile.

and it takes a lot to even get this much out of him. he'll often say that he's happy or excited, and seem to genuinely mean it, but not smile at all. i believe that most often he's seen smiling like this when talking to or about lilia (brb while i cry at the thought of that). and this trait of his is commented on several times, such as one of his groovy voice lines when he says the following with his usual neutral look on his face:

or, in his birthday boy voice lines, where he says: "every time someone takes a birthday picture of me, they ask me to smile more. i AM smiling…"

it's fairly common for autistic people to have flat affect and be thought of as robotic, emotionless, and unapproachable as a result. and there's actually a lot more on this topic that i want to talk about, but i'm going to come back to it later in this post.

silver has a love for mushroom risotto that can be seen as him having a samefood.

the word "samefood" refers to the tendency that autistic people can have to eat the same food very frequently for days, weeks, or even months at a time. people who have samefoods might have a strong reliance on routine and/or have sensory issues that make them resistant to trying new foods. and they may often need the food to be prepared the same exact way each and every time. it's common for autistic people to be thought of as picky eaters with bland palates (because samefoods are often, but not always, the kinds of foods that are usually considered bland and plain) because of this.

admittedly, silver does say in one of his voice lines that he's not too picky when it comes to food, but the reason i'm applying this trait to him is because of jade's labwear vignette. lilia comments on the fact that silver is having mushroom risotto again and says he's always been like this and that he needs to broaden his palate, to which silver replies that he doesn't mind eating the same thing every single day. then, when he tries the risotto he gets so shocked that he freezes in place and lilia suspects that he's been poisoned, all because it turns out that the texture of the mushrooms is different that day. lilia says he doesn't see why that matters and asks if silver is sure he isn't just imagining it. this last bit is also interesting to me because autistic people are often overly sensitive to food texture, and get similar reactions as the one silver got from lilia when we try to talk about it. i feel like it's lucky that the changed texture of the mushrooms was one silver enjoyed, because it could've been very frustrating if his samefood was suddenly different in an unpleasant way.

and, i originally wanted to also include sections for some other small things, like how he's mentioned feeling his chest tense up around large crowds and having trouble relaxing in unfamiliar places, or his having a fairly limited range of interests and thinking that he's not fun to be around, or how he tends to communicate better with the animals that flock to him than with his schoolmates, but this post is already getting long so i figure i should go ahead and move onto the next thing i wanted to talk about:

throughout this post i've been saying that autistic people who share the traits that silver has are often thought of as stupid, annoying, unapproachable, and/or emotionless by those around us. we get bullied and looked down on for things that we can't really help. and that's exactly what happens to silver.

here's where i'm going to mention leona's ceremonial robes vignette once again! after the "you're dreaming" "i am very much awake" interaction, leona gets annoyed at silver for not understanding what he meant and says he must have a screw loose, and then ruggie says the following, right in front of silver:

leona then tricks silver with his lie--or, i guess technically it's more of a half-truth--about the greenhouse, an action which causes even ruggie to say he feels bad for silver. and later, when leona goes to diasomnia to confront malleus, this interaction occurs:

this vignette is just one of several examples of other students looking down on silver and taking advantage of his tendency to take people at face value and assume the best of them. not just ruggie and leona, but a significant amount of other students see silver as absent-minded, odd, and bothersome and have given him (along with kalim) an insulting nickname.

also, silver's flat affect and the cruel way that people treat him over it is the entire focus of his dorm uniform vignette. silver gets in trouble with crewel, who dismisses his apology because he doesn't "look" sorry, for falling asleep in class and has to collect everyone's reports. his classmates act polite to his face while he's collecting them but then as soon as he walks away they start talking about him behind his back, saying that because he always has the same expression on his face, he's unapproachable, exhausting to deal with, and probably doesn't even actually have emotions. silver overhears all this and instead of getting upset that his classmates are insulting him, saying completely ridiculous things and treating him like a burden, he puts the blame on himself and starts thinking he needs to change himself to fit in with them. he thinks he needs to be like kalim and tries unsuccessfully to get kalim and jamil to give him lessons on how to be more expressive. it's pretty common for autistic people to not even realize we're being treated unfairly and instead believe that we're the problem. it's also common for us to try and mask our autistic traits in order to fit in, and to try copying the behavior of those who seem socially successful and well-liked.

but, silver has people who understand him, who love him exactly as he is, and who don't believe he needs to change.

for one thing, kalim himself doesn't think silver needs to change. he says he thinks silver is really nice and isn't unapproachable at all, but he'll try to help him be more expressive if it's something he wants to work on. kalim is silver's best friend and has never wanted him to be anyone other than himself. and when sebek realizes what silver is doing he immediately thinks it's ridiculous and instead comes up with a plan for silver to be able to show his classmates that he isn't emotionless. malleus and lilia then spot the two of them training in the courtyard and talk about how much they love and care for silver, and how well they understand him.

also, that conversation that lilia and malleus have is one thing in particular that makes me really happy about this vignette and is a reason why i think silver is such unexpectedly good autistic rep (even though, again, he's not canonically autistic and probably wasn't written that way on purpose). because, when i read the endless halloween event i knew next to nothing about diasomnia, had read hardly any of their vignettes yet, and i said to my friend "i know they probably just want us to think silver is weird because he was raised by fae, but i think he's autistic coded." i assumed that him being a human who was raised by fae would be something you could use to explain away all of his quirks if you wanted to, and say that they're a result of that rather than of him possibly being autistic.

but seeing lilia and malleus talk about how they know that silver is an incredibly passionate and empathetic person, that they know he feels very strongly even though his emotions don't show on his face, and that they don't find him difficult to read at all, made me realize that lilia, malleus, and sebek are all fae (half-fae in sebek's case, but still) who are each very different from silver--and sure, i guess you could say that some of his communication issues might come from his upbringing as he never went to school or interacted with others his age very much before going to NRC. but he did grow up with sebek who, again, is half-human and very different from him. and his flat affect at least is explicitly not something that could come from his upbringing as lilia, malleus, and sebek are all at least as expressive as any human--if not even more-so in sebek's case. and from the way lilia and malleus talk about his inexpressivenesss, it seems clear that they know it's an unusual thing, probably not any more common for fae than it is for humans. it's just not a problem for them, because it's a natural part of who silver is and they love who he is.

and basically silver is just sooooo autistic.

when i originally got the idea to write this post i made a joke to my friend that it would be easier to just post a link to silver's twst wiki page as an explanation of why i think he's autistic. i mean, it really would've been since his autistic traits come through in so much of how his character is written and there's so much solid evidence for it. but instead of doing that i decided to autistically write a... *checks notes* 2500+ word essay overexplaining my headcanon because i just love him so so much. so in conclusion:

#twisted wonderland #silver #twst silver #autistic headcanon #actuallyautistic #twst #silver vanrouge #i almost feel kind of silly posting this because it's so long and i'm sure i'm overexplaining myself #but part of that is because i can't know what vignettes and voice lines people have and haven't read #and also because there's just so much. he's the autistic character ever <3

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chiefduckgarden · 11 months

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Definitely, Jim and Pam

Summary: Part two of this thing is feeling like Jim and Pam

A/N: It took a long time to finish, but it's finally here. Thanks to all the peole who kept asking about this part two. And sorry for the waiting. This is about 10k+ words so, enjoy!

Remember this is inspired in Jim and Pam from The Office!

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Los Angeles was nice.

It's been a month since you started college and you could say you had blended in pretty well.

The classes were exhausting but everything else was new and exciting for you. You felt like it was your chance for a new beginning, and you definitely needed one.

After that terrible prom night you isolated yourself for two entire weeks. No social media, no calls, no messages, no visits. You only bothered to send your application letter for college.

When you finally decided to turn on your phone again you realized some of your friends tried to reach out to you. You answered every single message, letting everyone know that you were okay. But your heart broke a little when you realized that none of those messages or missed calls were from Wanda.

And that was your breaking point. You understood that you really screwed up things with her. She wasn't even concerned about your absence, if anything you thought she was relieved that you didn't tried to talk her anymore.

For the next months you avoided anything related to Wanda. Before blocking her number you sent her one last text apologizing and explaining your reasons to go zero contact with her.

You didn't expect her to answer anyway.

Although Pietro did call you to know about how you were doing, the moment he mentioned Wanda you stopped him right away.

"Please let's not talk about her, it still hurts too much". That's what you said.

He sighed but changed the subject immediately. That's when you found out he got into a foreign university in Switzerland and that he was moving out of the country.

You smiled happily and extended your congratulations to him.

Some time later you found yourself moving to Los Angeles and starting your first year of college.

Some of your friends ended up with you there, like Kate, Peter and MJ. It was awesome to have old friends with you, but meeting new people was also exciting.

You heard from a random conversation between MJ and Peter that Wanda and Vision ended up together in NYU.

Your felt your stomach flinch at the reminder of Vision stealing your college dream with Wanda. And you hated yourself for it. By that moment you should've been over Wanda, she didn't love you, there was no reason to grieve a love that never existed in the first place.

But you excused yourself to your friends and ran into the nearest bathroom to cry your heart out. You knew you shouldn't, but you couldn't help it.

After washing your face to prevent anyone to notice your were crying, you looked at yourself in the mirror. You couldn't keep going like that. You felt like you were a ghost: lifeless.

Wanda really hit different but you needed to change, to take control of your life again.

You knew what you needed to do.

You needed to move on from Wanda.

I know Pietro, she's great but, she's my best friend - Wanda said to her brother, tears dried all over her cheeks - I just never thought she would feel the same way. I didn't know what to say, I just wanted to run. Now I think it's all messed up, it's too late. There's nothing left to do. She probably hates me. But... I think I'm still in love with her.

Wanda had really screw things up with you.

She knew it.

She couldn't help it though, the moment you told her about your feelings she froze. She never expected that those words would ever came out from your mouth.

You loved her.

You really loved her.

How did she never notice it before?

And why did you never say anything?

She had so many questions running trough her mind.

It was prom night, she was about to leave with Vision, she wanted to stay a little longer but they were already late, you were there with Kate, she didn't even know you liked Kate, did you really like her? Why did you never mentioned it to her before? Why was she so mad when she found out?. You loved her. You loved her.

You loved her.

Maybe it was a joke.

She looked at you expecting for you to laugh and tell her it was all a joke.

But you didn't.

- Y/N... Why are you doing this? You know I... I can't, he's there and...

Vision and his parents were waiting for her. She just started walking as you kept apologizing. She felt numb through the rest of the night.

Her boyfriend and his family did the most of the talking during the dinner.

She couldn't focus on anything that wasn't you. She had just left you. Alone. You had poured you heart out for her and she left.

You probably were devastated.

But what was she supposed to do?

She really was clueless. Everything happened so fast. And for some reason she felt like she needed to stand up for Vision. But she probably got too defensive.

Oh god it was really a mess.

He was always right.

They used to have recurrent fights or disscusions because Vision felt like you liked Wanda more than just as a friend. But she always defend you from the accusations saying you were her best friend, nothing more. Maybe she tried so hard because she wanted to convince herself too.

That night she came home exhausted. She felt her body drained from any energy or motivation.

Her brother was still awake and when he heard she was back he walked to her room to ask about how her night went.

She tried to put on a brave face but the moment Pietro flashed her a warm smile she broke down in his arms crying.

She vent to her brother all night long, letting him know everything that had happened at prom with you.

He didn't seem too surprised when she mentioned your love for her. Instead he only hugged her harder.

Pietro had been there for his sister since forever, their twin bond was something sacred for them, they were each other's best friends and obviously, each other's best confident.

He could still remember when a little 10 year old Wanda confessed to him that she wanted to kiss you. Some kids at her school had have their first kiss at recess that day and Wanda wanted to have her first kiss. With you.

That conversation followed so many others about her little, pure and innocent attraction towards you.

As she grew older those confessions ceased but Pietro remained as the front row witness of your undeniable love for each other.

- What am I supposed to do Pietro? I'm just really confused.

The white-haired boy smiled kindly at her.

- What do you feel like doing? Wanda we both know very well that you used to have feelings for Y/N, let's not fool ourselves.

Her brother was right, Wanda was well aware of her old feelings for you. Although she had worked so hard to buried them in the deepest place of her heart and mind, she could still remember how it was.

Who could blame her? She thought that forget those feelings was the best decision in order to protect your friendship. She never expected that some day you would feel the same way.

But there she was. Crying in her prom dress, secured in the safety of her brother's embrace, regretting every single second of that night.

- I truly don't know what to do Pietro... I feel like such an idiot and a bad friend.

- No Wanda, you're a human, there isn't a correct way to react to this kind of situation, you act out of impulse and natural reaction, there's nothing wrong with that.

- But I feel so bad... Y/N didn't deserve that... What do I do Pietro? Tell me...

- No sestra - her brother told her with a soft voice - I know, guilt it's a tricky feeling, but you need to figure out how to solve this problem, you can take your time and think about it but in the end it's gonna be up to you... Not me, Vision or Y/N... It's your decision Wanda.

Pietro gently kissed her sister's forehead and walked back to his room.

Wanda barely slept that night, too busy thinking in every possibility.

The next morning she received a text from Vision asking how she was doing and letting her know that he was gonna post a picture of the both of them from last night. She quickly understood the not so discrete hint and also posted a picture. She didn't feel like writing any caption so she just limited herself to type a red heart emoji.

The days passed and she used any possible excuse to avoid seeing Vision. She felt so bad for him too, he was oblivious of the situation, it wasn't fair for him either that his girlfriend was having doubts about her love for him and their relationship. It wasn't fair for him that all Wanda could think about was you.

A week later she got a text message from you. The first text you had send her since prom.

She doubt about opening it or not. What if it was a letter telling her how much you hated her now, asking her to never come close to you again, that your friendship was over and from that moment on Wanda had no place in your life.

After twenty minutes of debating with herself she opened the text.

It wasn't what she expected.

The text was long, as she expected, but there wasn't any hate on it. It made her cry, the way you expressed yourself and the way you perfectly described your feelings. She felt terrible when you apologized for making her feel uncomfortable. You could never.

She would never let anyone know the content of the letter, it was something she decided to keep for herself. A secret between you and her for only your hearts to know, hence she never mentioned your text to anyone. Not even Pietro. The letter becoming the first secret between the Maximoff twins.

Wanda's life froze for days, she didn't isolate herself like you, she just felt dead-walking everywhere she went. She was physically there but her mind was somewhere else. She was thinking about you.

But your text was clear. You needed time and space away from her. It hurt like hell but she respected you decision. Even when she wasn't sure if she wanted for you to forget her.

She got accepted into NYU, just like Vision. Her family threw a party for her and for the very first time in years you weren't present in one of her celebrations. Not that Irina Maximoff didn't call you, but mostly because you politely declined her invitation making up some lame excuse, thanking her though.

Some time later she was packing her entire life in a set of gray suitcases, ready to take a flight to New York and start her new life at college with her boyfriend by her side. It sounded like a dream if you hear it that way.

But for Wanda everything was like a nightmare. NYU was her college dream just because she always thought you would be with her. She wasn't even sure of the path she was following, she didn't know if she really wanted to study there anymore.

Her relationship with Vision was fragile. Since prom night Wanda drastically changed her affection towards him. She didn't kiss him anymore, they only had been in a few two or three dates after and the PDA was completely gone.

Vision wasn't a stupid guy. He noticed this changes since the very first day, but decided to keep silence. For some reason he thought that Wanda would come around again once they were in college together.

But during the first weeks in NYU everything went downhill. They both had classes all day and different schedules, so they didn't had too much time left to spent together besides the weekends. But even those days Wanda always had an excuse to avoid any plan: homework, an exam to study for, books she had to read, etc.

Vision grew tired of it by the end of the fifth week, after Wanda had canceled him for the third time in a row. Not caring about the fact that the girl told him she needed to finish a report for one of her classes he walked straight to her dorm and knocked on her door.

- What are you doing here? Vision I told you...

- I know, I know what you said, but I'm tired of it - he interrupted her - Weeks Wanda, it's been weeks since the last time we had a date, weeks since the last time we spent time together, I don't know what's happening but I demand an explanation now...

Wanda stared at him.

- I don't know what are you talking about Vis, I have so many things to do and...

- No! - he interrupted again - This isn't something that started just now. I felt it since a long time ago - he paused for a few seconds, stepping in completely in the room closing the door for privacy - Something happened at prom night, something changed that night... I don't know what it is but... Just tell me what is happening to us...

Wanda, who was now sat at the edge of her bed looked at him with teary eyes. She knew this had to happen at some point.

- I'm just tired Vision, I'm exhausted... - she said with trembling voice and some tears already falling on her cheeks - I'm going through so many changes in my life right now, I had this huge fight with my best friend and now we're not even talking anymore... Now I'm here in New York and I'm not even happy about it, I don't like the way my life is going right now... I'm not sure if NYU is what I really want and I'm questioning every decision I've made since the moment I decided to leave my prom party to go with you and your parents for dinner...

Vision didn't know what to respond to that. When he walked to her dorm that night he wasn't expecting this outcome.

- You wanted to stay? - he asked cautiously.

Wanda nodded.

- Why didn't you say anything then? We could've done something...

- I just thought that if told you I would've dissapoint you and your family. You are my boyfriend Vision, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the relationship... And at some point I felt like I needed to make you happy...

- But were you happy? In our relationship?

- In the beginning, yes, I was delighted with the idea of us, of you... You made me really happy Vision... But then we started having all this problems and I always felt like a was giving too much without getting anything back.

- And why did you never say anything? - he said exasperated.

Vision wasn't one of those boys who are bad boyfriends and are aware of it. He truly didn't saw any of this coming.

He listened to Wanda attentive, letting her express every single thing she had to say. And as the girl talked he realized how trash of a boyfriend he was. He was respectful and never treated her bad, but he took Wanda for granted, not being the same boyfriend she fell for at the beginning. He understood the girl's disappointment on him, and as much as he wanted there was no way to turn back time.

After forthy minutes of talking, he stood for up from his seat in her bed, hugged her one last time and started walking out of the room.

- I'm sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend, you deserve so much better, I'm sorry this didn't work out - those were his last words for her before closing the door.

Wanda remained in her place for some seconds before start crying. She called her brother, although she knew it was probably and odd time in Switzerland she didn't know what else to do or who else to call for comfort. Vision was her boyfriend after all, they had been together for almost three years and it was impossible for her not to feel a hole in her heart. That night she cried her heart out, and did not attend her classes the next day, too energy drained to take a step out of her room.

Eventually she got better. After three weeks she bounce back from the break up. Although she still had a lot of issues to deal with, she felt relieved. For some reason it felt like someone had taken away some of the weight on her shoulders. She felt lighter.

Los Angeles

You were doing a lot better. Two months after your last break down you were happier than in the earliest months of college.

You decided to focus your attention on anything else but Wanda. You started to study a lot harder, focusing more on your notes and classes, and also got yourself into a hobbie: tennis.

Kate was in the tennis team since the beginning of the year, and when you told her you were looking for extra curricular classes she suggested her club.

You used to occasionally visit her during her trainings, you already knew the coaches and the rest of the team, so you figured it wouldn't be so hard to fit in.

The coaches were happy to welcome you and a few days later after filling your proper application you were officially in. The only condition was to do some extra training for some weeks until you could keep up with the pace of some of the other new girls. You promised to train after hours until you were as good as them.

That's how you met Sharon Carter.

The first day you stayed after hours to train you noticed immediately a blond, beautiful girl who arrived at the practice court about ten minutes after the other girls left.

You didn't recognized her, she wasn't part of the team, or anyone you've seen before.

She was also surprised to see anyone staying later in the tennis court after the usual practice.

- Oh hey, hi - you said approaching to her with a kind smile.

- Hello, uhmm I'm Sharon, Sharon Carter...

- I'm Y/N, Y/N Y/LN, a pleasure... Are you new here?

She laughed a little, denying with her head.

- No, I don't study here, I'm coach Peggy's niece, she allows me to use the court sometimes after her team's practice.

- Ohh, well it's a pleasure... I'm new in the team and I need to practice more hours to keep up with the rest... So I guess you'll see me around here more often

She smiled kindly.

- That's great, it will be good to have some company.

You smiled kindly and nodded.

A month after your first encounter Sharon became one of closest friends. You two had so much in common, you liked the same kind of music and most of your favorite sitcoms were also her favorites, so naturally you spent a lot of time together, getting to know each other deeper.

She told you about her sabbatical year and how she was still thinking about what college she would go to.

Eventually you became a better tennis player, but even when the coaches told you there was no need for you keep staying after hours, you kept doing it to spend time with her. And she would visit your dorm on a daily bases after classes

When Peter, MJ and Kate got to know her they didn't hesitate to start to tease you, referring to Sharon from that moment on, as your girlfriend. You just smiled shyly denying whth your head. Of course, Sharon was beautiful, but you couldn't say you were something more than just good friends.

You wouldn't even thought of that possibility until some weeks later when she suddenly asked you out. It wasn't that explicit, but the invitation was kind of obvious.

- Do you want to do something tomorrow? Like go to see a movie or have dinner? - she asked you nervously one afternoon while you were doing homework at your dorm.

- Sure - you answered without thinking too much - Where do you wanna go?

She paused for a second and you looked at her intrigued.

- Sharon?

She looked back at you smiling shyly.

- Well, I was thinking on going to have dinner at a nice restaurant, you know I have a reservation and everything...

- Oh - you said surprised but smiling too - Like a date?

She nodded nervously.

- Yes... Like a date... Would you like to go in a date with me?

Long story short, that date was the first out of so many others that followed it right after. You had a great time with her, and the affection felt almost natural between you.

Sharon never mentioned and label for the two of you, she would only say you were dating. She probably didn't want to push you, and you were thankful for it.

But she did used to hold your hand, kiss you, take you out, wait for you after classes and open all the doors for you. And you of course, reciprocated every kind action to her. You two were basically a couple without the label.

The first vacation came sooner than you thought and you found yourself saying goodbye to Sharon with your luggage ready on your cab to take you to the airport.

- You know, you can visit me anytime - you said kissing her on the lips - If you need anything just call me okay?

She nodded and promised to visit you during your break, she would stay in Los Angeles for a while.

You knew it was a weird situation for you. Sharon was beautiful, kind, funny and you could definitely say you had feelings for her.

But deep down you knew Wanda was going to be back in town too, and you were well aware of the possibilities of you two finding each other at some places. It was impossible not to considering it was a three month break from college.

You felt you were doing a good job keeping her away from your mind. But you didn't know how it would affect your progress seeing her again. You weren't sure if she would speak to you, or if she would just pretend you didn't exist.

----------------

Being back at home was good. You had missed your parents more than you would admit, and you definitely missed your mom's meals, finally getting to eat homemade food for the first time in months.

Your first week back was calm. You stayed at home most of the time hanging wi your parents and called Shaeron every night before going to bed.

It was the very first day of your second week when everything took a turn. You were talking with your mom about college and your classes when she mentioned Wanda.

- She left college after her first three months, she's been home since then and looking for a new option.

You were surprised to hear the news. NYU was Wanda's dream since forever, and you couldn't understand why she would drop it.

- She didn't tell you? - your mom asked at your astonishment.

She never heard the story of why you and Wanda stopped talking. In fact, she didn't even know you two weren't friends anymore.

- No, we've been distant since prom, we had a fight and we just... We're not friends.

- Oh I'm sorry honey, but maybe you can talk it out with her and fix things up, you two have been best friends for so long... Don't let this ruin all those years of friendship...

You smiled sadly nodding your head, not wanting to keep discussing about it.

On wednesday you, Kate, MJ and Peter went to the theater to watch the new terror movie. They mentioned some of your old high school friends were tagging along but you never expected to see Wanda. Ever since she dated Vision she stopped going out with your group of friends.

But she was there. It felt like slow motion for you. You were already inside the the theater when she stepped in. She looked at you shyly while greeting all of your other friends, never breaking eye contact with you.

When she was in front of you she hugged you tightly.

- Hi Y/N

You reciprocated the affection dumbly.

- Hi Wanda

- How are you doing? - she asked.

- I'm good - you answered shortly, awkwardly smiling - How are you doing?... My mom told me about NYU... I'm sorry it didn't work out.

She sighed.

- Yeah well, I'm better now, I realized it wasn't what I needed or wanted and I just dropped it...

You nodded.

- I hope you find something soon, you're brilliant, any school will be lucky to have you.

She smiled.

-Thank you Y/N...

Peter said the movie was about to start and you two followed him inside.

Wanda sat two spots from you, Kate and MJ in the middle and Peter on your other side. Some of your other friends sat next to Peter.

The rest of the group probably didn't notice it, but there was a certain tension between you and Wanda through the whole movie.

She was nervous.

From the moment Kate told her you were gonna be there she imagined a thousand of different scenarios of how it would be like.

Just like you, she wasn't sure if you would speak to her. After your last message to her she didn't have any contact with you. Not even when she wanted to tell you about her situation with college.

She knew she hurt in the past, but she missed your friendship more than anything. Even though she had deeper feelings for you, she would be happy if you wanted to be her friend again.

You, on the other hand, were really confused about how you felt. You thought that you would feel anger the moment you saw her, but you just felt awkward around her. Even after she broke your heart in a thousand pieces you didn't feel mad. Maybe those months of healing really made progress in you.

When the movie finished everybody said goodbye and walked to their respective car. When you were about to leave you saw Wanda texting on her phone and walking to sit on a bench.

You wanted to just ignored her and go back home but you just couldn't. So, against any common sense you walked straight to her.

- Hey, are you going home now?

She looked at you a bit confused.

- Yeah, well I'm texting Pietro to see if he's on his way, he told me he would pick me up...

You nodded.

- Oh sure, I forgot Pietro was home too... How is he doing? - you asked.

- He's fine, he told me he's doing great at college and at the athlete team... Ohh and that he met a girl, I think her name is Monica... They've been dating for a while now..

You smiled.

- Wow, I would never imagined Pietro finally settling down... That's fantastic.

- I know, he's really happy.

There was a moment of silence interrupted by a ding on her phone.

- Dang it... - she said after reading the text.

- What's wrong?

- Pietro forgot to pick me up... He's leaving the house just now....

You looked at her texting. You knew you would probably regret your next comment but you couldn't just leave her there at a parking lot.

- Tell him not to worry, I'll take you home - you said.

She looked at you surprised.

- Really?

You smiled kindly.

- Yeah, just like the old times, let me drive you home Wanda.

She accepted and the two of you walked to your car.

You turned the music on and drove to her house. But even with the noise from the radio, it felt like there was a dead silence in the car.

After the first three minutes she finally got the courage to speak.

- So, are you doing well? How is it like living in Los Angeles?

- It's been great so far, college has been fun and I really like the city, it's amazing.

- That's great to hear Y/N, I'm really happy for you.

- Thanks.

Another moment of silence. You decided to be the one to speak this time.

- I know I said this before but I'm sorry about NYU, it must have been really difficult to take a decision like that...

Wanda sighed nodding.

- Yes, it was, but at the same time it was easy for me to understand that it wasn't something I liked, it just never felt right... The hardest part was telling my parents... That was scary.

- Yeah, I can imagine... But your parents love you, I bet they understood...

- Yes they did, although they asked me like a million times if I was sure... They even made me doubt sometimes...

You both laughed.

- Oh missed this - she said smiling.

Your laugh died and you swallowed nervously.

- What? - you asked.

She looked at you.

- Us. I miss you Y/N, so much... I miss our friendship.

You weren't expecting that answer. You didn't know what to say, although it was obvious you had miss those moments too. And it only made you feel guilty.

- Wanda... I'm sorry I ruined everything for us... I shouldn't have tell you anything that night...

You didn't look back at her, but she did look at you.

- Y/N, you didn't ruin anything... That night it was me the one that screwed up.

- No - you answered - You had a boyfriend and I was your best friend, I wasn't supposed to feel anything other than a friendship... And even if I did I should never tell you just because you were happy with Vision... I should've respected that.

Another silence.

- Can we please drive somewhere else to talk? - she asked.

-To talk? - you asked unsure of what it meant.

- Yes, I feel we need to sort this out, I really miss you Y/N... I wanna try to restore our old friendship... If you want it too, of course.

You thought about it before answering. After some seconds you changed the car direction.

- Yeah, let's talk.

You drove to a nearly park. It was getting kind of late and the place it was almost empty, just a few people walking by. Wanda found a bench for the two of you.

- I don't know what to say - you admitted nervously.

She looked at you.

- Well, first of all, I want you to know that you didn't ruin anything... I understand the reasons why you choose to cut contact with me, if anything I was the one to ruin our friendship, the way I reacted wasn't the best... I'm sorry for making you feel bad.

- Wanda...

- Let me finish - she interrupted you - I know you feel bad because you said you love me, but I want you to understand that I could have had a better reaction... Leave you alone in the hallway was the worst thing I've done.

- It's fine Wanda, you were respecting your relationship and Vision...

- I just wanted to say sorry Y/N, i wish I would had a better reaction.

You nodded.

- I appreciate your apology, but don't worry about it anymore ... I already forgive everything.

- You did? - she asked curious.

- Yes, I realized you were shocked with my confession... There was no way you would've react differently...

- Maybe it was... But there's no way to turn back time right? At least I finally got it out of my system, I wanted to apologize a long time ago.

You smiled kindly. The two of you stared at the sky in silence.

- Your text, the letter you sent me... I think I understood better after reading it... - Wanda said - Thanks for saying all of the nice stuff about me, you really are a goof friend...

- All I said was true Wanda, we've been best friends for so long I couldn't get myself to hate you.. I mean I probably felt like hating you back then, but that was probably more sadness than hate... But all the things I wrote were completely true.

She smiled and hugged you. The affection surprised you, but you just smiled and reciprocated the hug.

- So it's all good between us? - you asked - I want my best friend back.

- Yes! - she answered excited - Yes, everything is fine.

You smiled at her.

- I'm glad.

She was bouncing her feet happily.

- Now tell everything about UCLA, how you've been doing there?

You told her everything about college, your classes, your friends, about your tennis games and everything than ran through your mind in that moment.

You mentioned Sharon briefly, not paying too much attention to the details of your relationship with her.

And the she dropped the bomb: she told you she broke up with Vision.

She explained to you her reasons to end up the relationship and you did nothing but listen.

And when she cried, telling you about her breakdown in college and the moment she decided to leave, you hold her. For a moment it truly felt like you went back in time.

You drove Wanda to her home, and she told you she would call you to make plans for the rest of the summer.

Pietro said hi from his window and you smiled at the sight of your friend.

On the way back home you smiled to yourself. You had a warm feeling on your chest and felt butterflies in your stomach.

Everything was perfect for some days. You and Wanda spent more time together, you even helped her send her application letter to different universities, including UCLA. She wasn't sure at first, but you talked wonders about the college and about how amazing it would be to have her at campus until she finally accepted. It was only a matter of time to hear back from the universities.

But the following week you noticed Peter and Kate get suspicious and secretive around you. At the beginning you thought it was a little bit odd, but then they started to laugh everytime you walked into a room.

It got to a point where the situation became unbearable.

- Okay what is happening? - you finally asked them one day before getting into the movies.

Kate looked at you nervously.

- What....What do you mean? Nothing is happening...

You looked at Peter.

- You will tell me what is happening Peter Parker... Everytime I walk into a room you two laugh and you've been too secretive lately.

They looked at each other.

- Let's tell her Peter, she will have too know anyways - Kate said.

- Tell me what? - you asked confused - I'm not mad or anything I just want to know...

Peter sighed.

- We planned a surprise with Sharon... She's coming to visit in three days.

It ttok you a second to react, and when your brain finally understood what they just said you couldn't help but smile.

- Really? She's coming?

- Yes - Kate answered happily.

- Why didn't you tell me before? I could have help her... Does she have a flight yet? Or do you want me to...

Peter interrupted you, giggling at your excitement.

- Hey Y/N, don't worry, everything is fine and ready, she'll be here in three days, her flight lands on Saturday at noon...

You smiled again and thank them both for their help.

Wanda arrived later that afternoon. Neither of you mentioned Sharon through the whole movie, it was just when you were driving Wanda home when she noticed you were happier than other days. Peter and Kate were in the car with you too cause you asked them to go to house to arrange everything for Saturday.

- You look pretty happy today Y/N - she told you.

- Well, I feel really happy Wanda - you answered with a smile.

- Can I know why? - she asked happily too.

That's the moment it dawned to you. You never told Wanda about your relationship with Sharon. And as you were thinking of this realization, Peter was faster than you to answer to her.

- She's happy because her girlfriend is coming to visit her on Saturday - he explained.

- What?! Your girlfriend?! - she asked confused.

Wanda was shocked to say the least. You never mentioned a girlfriend on the days before, and the news hit her like a bucket of ice water. She didn't know how to feel about it.

You two were recently fixing your friendship. She didn't know if you were still having feelings for her cause she never asked you in order to not jeopardize what you had. But a girlfriend was a factor she didn't consider.

- Yes! Her name is Sharon, we've been planning this surprise for days - Kate explained.

That's when you interfiered.

- She's not my girlfriend - you said nervously looking through the mirror to see your friends - Sharon is my friend, I think I mentioned her before...

Wanda tried to remember and she slightly nodded. She remembered that name.

- So... she's not your girlfriend? - Wanda asked.

You looked at her unsure of what to say.

- Well... It's complicated, we've been dating for a few months now, but we haven't... You know... Make it official

She nodded again as she swallowed dry.

- Maybe it's time Y/N - Kate interrupted - You could ask her now that she's coming... We can help you!

Peter second Kate on the idea and they started rambling about it.

But you noticed a change in Wanda's behavior. She wasn't laughing anymore. Suddenly she got quiet.

You bumped her shoulder to caught her attention.

- Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my relationship with Sharon, and it's not because I didn't want to... I just forget about it to be honest, and as I said, Sharon and I... We're not officially together yet, we're just... - before you could finish your sentence she interrupted.

- Hey Y/N, it's fine, don't freak out about it... It's just it took me by surprise, but I'm happy to see you happy...

She gave you a reassuring little smile.

- Thanks for understand Wanda... It's been difficult for me to open myself to this feelings... I think it's the first time I I say I'm dating Sharon out loud.

_ I get it, it can be complicated, but don't worry Y/N, if you and Sharon are comfortable with what you have, you don't need to rush it.

You smiled and her.

_ Thank you - you said.

It looked like the conversation about Sharon died right there, but the moment Wanda stepped in her house, she walked straight to her brother's room.

- I just don't know how to feel Pietro... I'm really confuse. I know it might sound selfish to say but I can't believe she didn't tell me before about this girl.... Everything would have been different

- What would've been different? - he asked

- Well, you know, the approach with her... You know I like her Pietro, since we were little, and now that i broke up with Vision... I thought she was single... You know what I mean.

Pietro analyzed her sister's expression.

- You were expecting to date her?

She sighed.

- Well, not straighly date her but... I was expecting some sort of awakening for us... The start of something more.

Pietro looked at her worried.

- Wanda, don't joke around this... You know she loved you, but now with this new information maybe it would be better if you move cautiously... I wouldn't want for you to get hurt.

Wanda buried her head in her hands desesperatly.

- I truly believed this would be our chance... We could be something more...

- You can daydream all you want Wanda, but the truth is, she has a girlfriend now and you have to accept it. And let me be honest with you, I don't think it was correct from you to go close to her with those ulterior motives, if you wanted to date her you should have told her before offer a friendship.

- No, I truly want to fix up our friendship, it is the most important thing for me to save. I just thought it would be nice if something else happened...

Pietro sighed.

- Well, I wish you good luck sestra, when this Sharon girl arrives you're gonna need to find the strength to see her fooling around with Y/N, and I can tell you, it's not gonna be nice...

Wanda barely slept that night. She imaged how would it be with Sharon around. And she thought that it was probably what you felt when she started dating Vision, you had to see her with another person, basically being replaced.

Ohh, only if she knew back then about your feelings. For sure everything would be different.

And she wasn't wrong.

From the moment you picked up Sharon at the airport you two became inseparable, although she was stying at Kate's house cause she basically lived in the Bishop's mansion, so there was more than enough room for her.

Wanda told you to enjoy the first days with her alone. She said you could show her the town and explore the place together, she would tag along later.

You thought it was a good idea. But you also noticed a changed in Wanda's behavior since Peter and Kate mentioned Sharon was your girlfriend. You didn't want to speculate around her feelings, but you couldn't help but ask if she was feeling left out, or replaced. You two were recently getting close again and you didn't want anything to jinx the progress.

But no, Wanda said she wanted to be your friend again. Nothing more.

Sharon was being a delight, as always. Being with her was easy, you never had to think too much about it. And that was probably what you liked more. But now, with her in town you felt tlike something was missing. Sharon made you happy, and she was a good company, but something felt odd at the thought of being more than just... that.

However, you took her to all the fun and interesting places around, telling her a little about the local stories. Peter and Kate sometimes would go with you, but they left you alone as much as possible, totally rooting for you two.

It was on her fifth day there when you planned to visit the amusement park with Sharon, Kate, Peter, Wanda and some other friends.

Wanda was a nervous wreck to say the least. She was wondering how this new dynamic would be. She knew you would spend more time with your girlfriend, she knew you would kiss her and hols her hand and make her laugh. So she prepared herself to control any sort of jealousy reaction she could have.

But the reality hit her as soon as you parked in front of her house to pick her up. She naturally walked to the copilot seat, only to find a blonde girl already sitting there.

- Hey Wanda, this is Sharon Carter, my friend from college. Sharon this Wanda, my best friend - you made the introductions, and the two girls smiled, saying how pleasure was to meet each other.

- I guess you're having a backseat today Maximoff - Kate said, opening the door for her.

- Yeah, I guess today I will be third-wheeling you and Peter back there - Wanda replied, laughing at the guy's reaction.

You laughed at the joke too. Luckily for her you didn't noticed that the passive aggressive answer to Kate was because she felt uncomfortable with the situation.

The rest of the days didn't turn easier for her. You would spent most of your time with Sharon, making silly jokes and fooling around.

Wanda undoubtedly felt jealous. She couldn't help it. And she hated herself for making you feel the same way when she was with Vision.

At some point she just stopped showing up for your get-togethers. She knew she was being selfish, but seeing you with Sharon was driving her mad. Everytime she tried to spend time with you, Sharon had to be there.

But her breaking point reached her on Kate's birthday party. In the middle of the reunion, Sharon's parents called her and she walked up stairs to attend the call.

Wanda found you sitting alone in the sofa and she decided to go talk to you. She was finally having your attention all to herself, you were telling her some dumb joke about ballons, a little bit flushed because of the drinks you had that night, your hair alredy a mess after dancing... She thought you looked beautiful. She tucked a hair behind your ear and you smiled sweetly at her...

It was a very cute moment, just you two talking, so close from each other. Until a pair of arms suround you from behind, you looked up from your seat on the couch and smiled at Sharon.

- Hey! Did you finished the call with your parents? - you asked her.

- Yeah... They just wanted to know about my week but a cut the call soon to be back... Did i miss anything? - she asked, looking at Wanda and you.

- No, i was just telling some jokes, and Wanda was the lucky one to hear them - you said.

Sharon hugged you tighly and Wanda wanted nothing more but dissapear.

- Oh well, i hope Wanda doesn't mind but i need to steal you for a second... there is something i wanna tell you.

Wanda denied with her head.

- Oh no, it´s alright, i was about to leave anyways... Pietro is in his way to take me home so... I should be getting ready.

You said goodbye to Wanda and followed Sharon out to the garden. Wanda remained in place, looking at your hands intertwined with Sharon as you walked out. She left the house as soon as you were out of her sight.

Sharon Carter was a very intelligent girl. Her aunt Peggy taught her to be perceptive, to pay attention to the little details, so it was no surprise to know that she almost immediately noticed the tension between you and Wanda.

She wasn't aware of the full story, she only knew that you and Wanda had a fight before leaving for the university, but it was fixed almost immediately as soon as you had the opportunity to talk about it.

But she had a feeling that there was something more than just "friendship" problems. And that feeling sting her harder the moment she saw you and Wanda talking on the couch. She was too close to your face, and the smile you were giving to her... She needed to do something.

That is the reason why, that night, she asked you to be her girlfriend. You were a bit tipsy, and the euphoria of the moment made you say yes to her right away.

It was just the next morning, when you woke up a little hangover when you realized what had happened last night. You wanted to feel happy, but something just didn't feel right.

Sharon was a great a person, and you knew she would be an amazing girlfriend but now that you were official, something felt off to you.

Perhaps it was because it took you so long to be an actual couple. However, you couldn't just go and tell her you weren't sure about being her girlfriend. You felt some sort of responsibility towards her, like you needed to respond to her feelings. You couldn't just ask her to go back to just date again.

So you got use to the idea of being girlfriends. It couldn't be that bad. At the end, you liked her, she liked you. It could actually work.

Wanda found out about your, now official, relationship a few days later. She noticed how Sharon started to use pet names with you "Babe this... Babe that". She also started to be more affectioned towards you, increasing the PDA at a hundred percent.

She cried once you confirmed it to her. Not in front of you, of course, but at the safety of her room.

She knew she didn't have any right to feel that way, but she couldn't help it. She wish it was easier to let you go.

You still tried to make time for her though, not wanting to jeopardize your just restored friendship. But Sharon always wanted to tag along in your plans. One day Wanda just stopped going out with you, avoiding any uncomfortable moment between your girlfriend and her.

You noticed this change in her behaviour, and when you expressed this concerns with Sharon, she just brush it off saying: Well, perhaps it's for the best, that way we can make more plans for the both of us.

You were confused at her answer, but you just let it go. You'll make plans with Wanda later to talk to her alone. Sharon, in the other hand, made her goal to keep you as away from Wanda as possible.

In the latest days of summer your friends planned a weekend getaway to go camping. Wanda didn't want to go, but everyone told her it would be fun. She turned down every invitation until you were the one to ask her to go. When you knocked on her door that night she didn't find the strength to say no to you. It would be just one night though.

So, there she was, walking next to Kate and Peter looking for a good place to establish the camp. You were walking some steps ahead of them with Sharon by your side, and Wanda was already regretting going.

You had planned spend time with her during the camp. That's why, the moment you found the right place, you asked Wanda to help you set up the tents, meanwhile, Kate asked Sharon to help her take out from the cars all the food they brought.

Sharon walked away, not without giving you a last glance. All she saw was Wanda smiling at you while you read the instructions for the tent.

At night, Sharon asked to talk to you in private. You had spend all the day bounding with Wanda, laughing and making jokes, and you could tell Sharon wasn't happy at all.

- I just don't understand why are you so determined on spending time with her... I'm your gilfriend and i'm here, you should be spending more time with me - she said.

- Sharon, i'm sorry if you felt left out, but Wanda is my best friend... we've been distant lately and i wanted to spend more time with her before the summer ends.. you and me, we alredy spent a lot of time together...

She sighed.

- I know baby, but she needs to understand you have a girlfriend now, that she is not your main priority anymore... Now, please, let's just go to eat some smores and have a fun night.

You just nodded and she kissed you.

You were mad at her. For some reason. Deep down in you, a tiny voice was trying to scream. And that voice was saying that Wanda would always be your main priority.

Later at night, when you found yourself unable to sleep, you sneaked out of the tent you shared with Sharon. You were surprise to find Wanda sitting next to the campfire.

- Hey... Can't sleep? - you asked to caught her attention.

She turned to look at you.

- Yeah, something like that... Kate snores - she said smiling.

- Ohh really? - you laughed - That's quite funny... So you can't sleep because of her snores?

She nodded.

- Yep, i'm kind of a light sleeper, any sound can keep me awake all night.

- Well, then i'll be glad to stay awake all night with you - you said taking a seat next to her.

- Are you sure you want to do that? - she asked- I kind of noticed that Sharon...

You interrumpted her.

- I know, but i don't care. Wanda you're my best friend, if i wanna spend time with you i will spend time with you... I'll deal with Sharon later.

Wanda felt nostalgic at your words.

- What's wrong? - you asked.

She looked at you.

- It's just that... your a better friend than i am. You have a girlfriend and still try to make time for me... i never did that back when i was with Vision.

You smiled at her words.

- Wanda... we are kind of adults now, if i kept acting like when i was in high school i would have a problem. I'm more mature now, i guess i can have a girlfriend and a best friend. You were younger and he was your first boyfriend, i now understand why you acted like that.

- This is what i'm talking about, you're a better person than me Y/N, i don't deserve you.

- Hey don't say that. You are one of the best persons i know Wanda, you can't keep punishing yourself for things you did when you were 16. Like i said the other day at the park, i forgive you, i did it a long time ago.

She looked at the sky.

- I just wish things were different. If only i could turn back time... - she said desperate.

- Wanda please stop, let's just enjoy this moment, okay?

You offered her a hug that she replied immediately. Then you just chill under the stars.

- I got into UCLA - she said out of nowhere after some minutes.

- What? - you asked excited - Are you serious?

She nodded her head smiling.

- Yes, the letter came in this morning... I got in.

- Wanda that is amazing... we will be together in college, like we always dreamed about!

You kept celebrating her for some more minutes and then you just went on talking about the campus and the city.

Wanda watched you in awe, how your eyes sparkled when you talked, the way you smiled and expressed. And she fell deeper for you. When she heard you talk about your future plans with her she couldn't help but daydream about a life by your side.

She daydreamed about living with you, being your girlfriend, marrying you, having kids with you... God, she wanted you bad.

That's why, immersed in the euphoria of the moment, the next words came out of her mouth.

- I love you so much...

And your whole world stopped right there. You stopped your explanation of why your dorm hall was the best in the campus to look at her straight in the eyes.

- What?

Wanda knew there was no turning back. She said it, and she decided to stand to her words.

- I love you so much Y/N, you really don't have and idea of how much. I love your eyes, your voice, your personality; i love your stupid jokes about life... I love how you talk, how you move, how you walk. I love how you treat me, how you protect me. I love how, despite everything i've done, you're still by my side... I think i just love everything about you.

You hear her speak and your heart beat at hundred times per second. The words you always wanted to hear, she was finally saying them.

- Wanda, what are you talking about? - you asked, still in disbelief.

The girl's heart was about to explode. But she needed to keep talking, she couldn't stopped just then.

- Y/N I don't expect you to reciprocate my feelings, not after everything I put you through... But i just need to come clean, can i be honest with you?

You nodded dumbly. You had so many questions, but you knew nothing would come out of your mouth. So you let her talk.

- Y/n i drop out off college because of you, and before you blame yourself, it was mostly because i missed you... You and i had a dream, going to NYU together was our thing, and it shouldn't have been with Vision... I guess, not only the college thing but everyhting, it was never Vision. It was you all along. You were my first love Y/N, i shouldn't have give up on you... on us. Yes, our friendship is the most important thing for me, but if we could be something more... Ughh, now things are just weird between us, and that sucks... and i miss you - she knew she was rambling, but she needed to get everything out - and now you're with someone else, and that's fine but, i just wish it was me... Because even when i made mistakes, it was always you.

When she finished talking you were loss for words. Your heart, your mind, nothing was working correctly. It was like the whole world faded because Wanda told you she loved you.

That's all your mind registered: she loved you.

- Wanda... i don't know what to say to be honest - you said.

She was a mess, her heart was beating like crazy, she was all flustered because of the nerves and her whole body was shaking. She wanted to hear your answer, but she was also afraid of what she might hear.

- I wish things were different too... - you said looking at her - You know, i'm really confuse right now. Sharon... she's someone special to me, i wouldn't want to hurt her, i guess now i understand what you felt about Vision. But, i want to be honest with you too... I don't want to lose you again, you're even more special to me... I want you to be in my life forever. It truly seems like timing never work for us, right? - you joked, making her smile a little - We can be friends Wanda, i'm really excited to be in college with you, if you want that too... I just don't want to lose you.

She started to cry.

- Oh Y/N, i would love to be in your life forever, even if you're not with me, i don't want to lose you either... Thanks for giving me a second chance.

You hugged her even tighter than before, now crying as well. You two stood there for some minutes, melting in each other's embrace. When you broke the hug you noticed it was almost 2 am, so you decided to go back to your tent, wishing her good luck with Kate's snores.

You didn't have much sleep that night though. Your mind kept you up all night.

Wanda told you she love you. She confessed her feelings for you and now it was up to you to take the chance. You looked to your side and found Sharon sleeping soundly. You knew it was unfair for her that you felt that way, but you couldn't deny your feelings: deep down you knew it was Wanda, cause it had always been Wanda.

The next morning you and your friends left the camp and went back home. Sharon noticed you were a little bit quite, but when she asked you about it you just said it was because you hadn't sleep well. Wich wasn't completely a lie.

You spent two days more with her before she flied back to Los Angeles. She was excited cause she got her acceptance letter from Princeton. You were happy for her too, but the situation made you wonder about your future with her. She wouldn't be around UCLA anymore, and that would change your whole dynamic.

She told you not to worry, kissed you one last time and went back home.

In the remaining days you prepared your luggage to return to the university.

Wanda was in some sort of trance. After you told her to be just friends she felt happy cause you would still be in her life, but she also was sad because it wasn't in the way she wanted.

When she told everything to Pietro he told her it was brave to come clean with you, but he was also worried for her sister's feelings.

- I know Y/N well enough to know she won't hurt you, but i'm worried you two are making a mistake. This whole thing of "let's just be friends" can be risky for the both of you.

She just replied:

- We're still friends and that's all that matters, we'll live our college dream together and everything will be fine.

You flied back to Los Angeles, now with Wanda and her parents.

Pietro flied back to Switzerland.

And Sharon flied to New Jersey.

The first weeks of the course went normal. Wanda loved the campus and was thrilling because you were there with her. You showed to her all of your favorite spots and you two settle a schedule to spend time together, mostly studying.

Wanda immediately felt the change from NYU. She was genuinely excited for her classes, she genuinely loved the school, she didn't have to pretend cause she felt happier.

You were happier with her there too. Although something was still feeling out of place.

You thought it was because Sharon wasn't there anymore. You used to call her every night to tell her about your day. She told you all about her campus and her program. You listened to her attentive, but she knew something was off. She could feel it too.

But both of you were too afraid to mention it.

The days passed, and everything felt like a roller coaster for you: in the day everything was exciting and brilliant because you spent it with Wanda. But at night, when you talked to Sharon over the phone, everything felt wrong. Every night you went to sleep with a pit in your stomach wondering why you couldn't be happy with Sharon, but why you felt so complete with Wanda.

Sharon Carter was a very intelligent girl. From the moment you told her Wanda was going to be with you at UCLA she knew you two were doomed. She didn't have to know your complete history with Wanda to know she was someone special for you. Someone who she couldn't compete with, cause she'll always lose to Wanda if it was up to you.

But as intelligent and perceptive as she was, she was firstly, a girl in love. So, leaving behind any insecurity, she was hoping you would chose her. That's why she tried to make things work for the two of you, for as long as she could. A month was enough to completely wear out your relationship.

As intense as her love was, she knew she couldn't alter the course of fate. She recognized that you had alredy found your way with another person, and Sharon understood that she had to let you go, accepting that this time, she couldn't change the destiny of your love.

Sharon called you, like every night. But this time there wasn't any softness in her voice. You knew, from the moment she said you needed to talk, what was the night was heading to.

The conversation was long, tired, and full of regretness. She regretted meeting you. You regretted taking it too far. Both of you regretted making each other so unhappy.

Needless to say, it wasn't an amicable breakup. She cried and you didn't stop asking for forgiveness until she said goodbye and hang up the phone.

You spent your night alone. You cried, but when the sadness left your body completely, you felt lighter. As if the crying had washed away the guilt and the weight from your soul.

The next day you told Wanda about your break up with Sharon. She asked you if you were okay and you mindelessly said yes.

- C'mon Y/N, you know you can be vulnerable with me, there's no need to put on a brave face.

You insisted that everything was fine, and after a few more attempts, she dropped the subject to avoid making you uncomfortable.

She was surprised to hear the news. Sharon seemed like a nice girl, and even when she knew she wasn't veey comfortable with your frienship, she wanted for you to be happy.

She tried to avoid having any inappropriate thoughts, but she couldn't stop herself to wonder about you and her. She knew you had just come out of a relationship, everything was still too fresh, but deep down, a flicker of hope had ignited in her.

You on the other hand was confused with yourself. You wanted to feel bad, to be sad, to grieve your relationship with Sharon. You felt like a complete idiot for not feeling bad. God, your girlfriend had broken up with you, and it had mostly been your fault, but you couldn't feel sad. After crying that first night when you broke up, you never cried again. Now what you felt was guilt for feeling nothing.

Some days later Wanda asked Pietro to call you. She was worried about you cause she thought you were keeping all your pain to yourself. So she decided to call in the big guns.

When you saw Pietro's name on the phone you were excited but a little confused. He made small talk for a while and told you about Switzerland and his girlfriend. When he finally dropped the bomb on why he called you, you couldn't say you were surprised.

- She's just worried about you Y/N.

You sighed.

- I know, but there's no need to be worried, i'm fine.

- Y/N, i'm on the other side of the world and i can tell you're not fine, i can hear ir in your voice. Wanda thinks you're keeping it all to yourself and she just wants you to have someone to talk.

You knew there was no use in trying to denied anymore. Pietro was a close friend. You grew up together as well. He was like a brother to you. That's why you decided to finally speak to him.

- It's just that... I have nothing to talk about Pietro.

You told him all your concerns about your break up with Sharon and you vent with him.

He listened to you carefully, not saying anything at first.

- Why do I feel like crap? - you asked when you finished - I really wanted this relationship to work, i felt something for Sharon, without a doubt. But when things fell apart i felt almost relived that it was over... I'm such a jerk.

- No, you're not, everyone has a way to cope, and just because you're not miserable and sulking doesn't mean you're bad, please don't torture yourself over it. You truly believed you wanted to be with her, you gave your best effort in that relatioship but you can't force yourself to love someone. Sharon was special, but maybe you tried too hard to love her. But why?

You felt your heart racing at his question. You knew damn well why.

- I think i was afraid of what could happen if i wasn't with Sharon.

- So you used her... and don't get me wrong, it can be really fun as a distraction, but when it's over, you think about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart. Maybe that's why you feel nothing but freedom. Now you can make your own decisions Y/N.

You ended the call a minutes later.

For some days you thought about what Pietro said. You were experiencing so many emotions that you asked Wanda to suspend you study sessions together for a few days.

Wanda thought you were taking time apart from her because of your break up. Maybe you wanted time for yourself without her.

It sucked for her cause she believed you were best friends again. But even if you weren't her best friend, she knew you would always be friends.

It was almost ironic. You two never got the timing right. She shot you down and then you did the same to her and now...

She needed to focus her attention on something else.

She sent you a text letting you know she would be at the volleyball tryouts, so if you needed anything you'll knew where to find her.

You texted her back a thumb up emoji and a happy face, wishing her good luck.

You were alone in your room when suddenly Pietro's words rang in your head: Now you can make your own decisions Y/N.

A power took over your body and you walked out of the dorm hall to go to the volleyball court. You were nervious, but you had something to do.

Wanda was talking to the volleyball coach in her office, answering some medical questions fro the formal papers, when you suddenly opened the door.

- Y/N, what are you doing here? - she asked confused.

- Hey, emm i'm sorry coach, i just have to say something...- the coach nodded at you and you looked back at Wanda - Um, are you free for dinner tonight?

- Yes - Wanda said shocked.

- All right, then it's a date... - you said smiling and closing the door to leave.

Wanda smiled like never before. She felt on cloud 9. Her face was all red and her body shaking in excitement. She looked at the coach, rememebering where she was.

- I'm sorry, what was the question? - she asked nervously.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @justyourwritter69 @dark-hunter16 @the-mute1 @julirey06 @dupleshcpi @wizardofstories @katherinelesso @targaryenwomenshoe @snowdrop1026 @lissaaaa145 @shortyyy193 @randomnessbecausewhynot @simone8210 @newawakening9 @chasethemoon @natashamaximoff69 @justgotlizzied @cd-4848 @bluedragonlove @agentqwake @esposadejoyhuerta @nikkinss

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natsvenom · 2 months

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Lost & Found - PART 2 | Kol Mikaelson x Salvatore!Reader

SHORT SERIES | PART 1

SUMMARY: 10 years after becoming a vampire, you discover you still have the ability to siphon. No amount of research you do helps you discover why, and you were never able to do it again. You meet a girl named Mary Porter and she tells you there's someone who can help you, but he's the most dangerous man alive, and one of the first vampires to ever roam the earth. But what other choice did you have?

WARNINGS: Minor violence

It had been 44 years ago when you became a vampire. For the longest time you hated yourself, you lacked the one thing you always seemed to have as a witch. Control. Luckily, you had learned the art of compulsion, managing to stop yourself from killing innocent people. Your favorite thing about being a vampire though, was the ability to heal.

Emily Bennett had told you when witches became vampires, they lost their ability to connect with nature. So why did you still feel so grounded to the earth? After ten years of being a vampire, you discovered something.

You were walking down the streets of New York City, it was 1874, and you were looking for your brother Stefan. He had gone off the rails and you decided it was time to give him a concerned younger sister talk. You weren’t sure he’d listen, but the least you could do was try.

You ran your fingers through the cracks and crevices of the dark bricks, humming the tune of an old song you hadn’t heard in several years. You gasp, suddenly being pushed to the wall, a man holding you tightly in place, his face monstrous, resembling something similar to one you often saw in the mirror.

You grabbed a hold of his arm, pinning him against the wall. He was clearly newer at this than you were. He groaned loudly, almost like he was in an immense amount of pain. You were confused, you weren’t holding on to him that tight. You looked down, noticing a red glowing light coming from your hands. That’s when you realized, you were siphoning him, something you hadn’t done in ten years. You pulled back instantly, and the man dropped to the floor, letting out heavy breaths. You looked down at your hands, then back at the man, and then you sped off, without any regard for the man who had just tried to make you his next meal.

After that day, you thought maybe something had gone wrong with your transition. Why else would you be able to siphon still? The truth was, you had no idea what was happening to you, and it freaked you out more than death itself. You tried siphoning again almost every day after the incident, but you hadn’t been able to. Maybe you were just seeing things.

You spent years after that researching siphoners, but you could never find anything. Not a single witch or vampire you talked to knew what you were, most of them just assumed you were crazy or seeking some sort of attention. It was exhausting chasing after what everyone thought was a fairytale.

In 1906, you met a woman named Mary Porter. She was the only person who believed your story and offered you her help. She hadn’t known anything about siphoners herself, but she said she knew a man who could help you, claiming he was an expert on all things witch-related. You had hoped she was right. She warned you though, that this man was anything but good. He was dangerous, and one of the oldest living vampires on the planet. He used and manipulated people, so if you wanted something from him, he’d most definitely expect something in return. Nothing he did for anyone else came for free.

Mary told you if you wanted to meet him, you’d have to be patient, saying he was almost impossible to find, not unless he wanted to be found. She took you to New Orleans, a place he had called home many moons ago. Mary seemed to have faith that he was there though, so you trusted her.

You had spent a year in New Orleans, searching for a vampire who didn’t seem to wanna be found was probably the most difficult thing you had done. How hard could it be to hide in a place like this? Mary seemed to have known a lot of people, and she said she was getting closer to finding him. What you hadn’t expected though, was that he would find you first.

You sat down at the bar in one of many clubs in the French Quarter, a jazz band was playing loudly from the stage across the dance floor. You weren’t really in the mood for dancing though. You order something strong at the bar, fully aware that your ability to get drunk vanished that horrible night in 1864.

A man sat down next to you, you paid him no mind though, your intentions for being here had nothing to do with socialization. He ordered a glass of whiskey, his British accent peaking your interest slightly. It wasn’t often you heard an accent like that, especially not down in New Orleans.

“Rumor has it you’ve been seeking me out.” The man said, his stare burning into the side of your head. You turned to face him and were shocked at how attractive he was, but you still had no idea who he was, so you kept your guard up. He held his hand out, and hesitantly, you took it. A feeling of something dark instantly took over your senses, and that was when you realized who he was. The man you’d been searching for for two years, the one who could supposedly kill you without even blinking, no matter how old of a vampire you were.

“Kol,” He introduced himself, his smile cunning and mischievous. You had wondered if you were making a mistake being here, he was intimidating, and that was a feeling you didn’t like.

“Y/N,” You said.

He picked up his glass once more, bringing it to his lips, “So, what do you want from me?” He asked, getting straight to the point.

Your heart rate picked up. It wasn’t out of fear though, it was excitement, after all this time you were finally gonna figure out what you were. At least you hoped, “I need your help.” You explained.

“Help from somebody like me comes with a price.” He said in almost a joking tone, but you knew he was serious. If you wanted his help, you knew you’d have to return the favor.

“A price I’m willing to pay.” You insisted. He could tell you were serious by that intense look in your eyes, whatever you wanted, must’ve been important.

“Very well then. What do you need that requires my assistance?” He questioned, looking at you very intently.

“Well, it’s complicated.” You sighed, “Before I became a vampire, I was a witch. I learned everything I know about magic from a witch named Emily Bennett.”

“You must’ve had an excellent mentor then. The Bennett witches are a very powerful bloodline.” Kol speculated.

“She told me that witches balance out the boundary between natural and supernatural. Which is why you can’t be both a witch and a vampire because it defies nature.” You added.

“All very true,” Kol said.

“Oh,” You murmured, disappointed.

“There’s been exceptions for certain individuals though,” Kol claimed, swirling the last bit of his drink in his glass.

“Exceptions?” You questioned, raising a brow.

“They’re not exactly well known in the witch community, they like to keep themselves hidden. They’re called the Gemini Coven.” Kol explained. You sighed in relief when you realized what you were experiencing was possible.

“They come from a long line of witches called siphoners, which means they have to absorb magic from other magical entities. Most people think that means they're weak, but that’s far from true. A siphoner can desiccate a vampire just from their touch, and rid the influence of compulsion from any person whose been compelled by a vampire. This power of course doesn’t come without a price. The leader of the Gemini Coven is determined by something called the merge. Every time a set of twins is born into the coven they must bind their magic into one once they turn of age, the strongest of the two wins, becoming the next leader of the coven. And of course, if the leader dies, so does the rest of the coven. Unless you’re a vampire of course.”

You implanted the new information into your brain, finally feeling a weight lift off your shoulders. But of course, you still had questions and concerns, “But if you’re a vampire how can you be a part of the coven?” You asked.

“That’s what makes siphoners so exceptionally powerful. They’re the only witches in the world who can become both a vampire and a witch, they’re referred to as heretics. After the transition the witch side has the ability to siphon power from the vampire side, making them quite unstoppable. There’s only one way to kill them, which would require you to rip out their heart, a stake won’t do it. I haven’t seen one in quite some time though, so if that’s what you’re looking for you’re out of luck, darling.”

At first, you weren’t sure if you wanted to tell him. If you did there was always the possibility that he would want to kill you, but you were having magic issues, and you needed help getting them back under control, “What if I told you I knew one?” You said, rather abruptly.

“Then I would ask why you’re coming to me for this.” He said, drinking the last bit of his whiskey.

“And what if I said she doesn’t know anything about heretics and hasn’t been able to use her magic since she’s transitioned? Would you be able to help her?” You asked rhetorically.

“Well, I would have to meet her first and figure out the issue. There are many reasons for magic being blocked.” Kol explained.

“Like what?”

“First tell me to whom you’re referring, and then maybe I’ll give you the answer.”

You looked down at your glass, taking a moment to think, then looked back up at him, “Me.” You said hesitantly.

“You?” He questioned.

You sighed, “Before I was a vampire I found out I was a siphoner, with the help of an old friend, I couldn’t figure out much about my family history, and all I knew was what Emily taught me. Then I became a vampire and I had no idea about heretics or anything, so I just instantly assumed I had lost my ability to do magic.”

Kol looked slightly surprised, but he tried not to let it show. He set his glass down and stood up, “If you want my help, it’s going to take a while. And that’s going to be a lot of debt, darling.” Kol asserted.

You stood up quickly after him, “Please, I’ll do anything.” You pleaded.

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

tags | @multifandombliss

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anxious-witch · 4 months

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What a year, huh? We all know I have to be emotional on tumblr.com whenever the opportunity arises because that's one way I allow myself to have an emotional catharsis (for legal reasons this a joke)

In all seriousness though, this year has been a lot for me. Both in a good and bad sense, but Käärijä and Joker Out improved it significantly. And more importantly, their fandoms. (More inder the cut bc this is long af)

I have never really been someone who knows anything about the artists' whose music I listened to. Before this, I don't think I ever listened to a full album of someone, just random songs that I liked. Finding stuff from personal life of bands/musicians I liked usually made me depressed so I didn't bother.

Then, ESC 2023. happened. I frankly have no idea what flipped the switch in my head. Bojere interactions? The way people on tumblr were so welcoming even back when I was mostly posting about Let 3 and Käärijä only? I don't know, I only know that we are here now, regardless.

Another thing about me is that I used to be very pessimistic person. Likez genuinely. I have been "unofficially"(long story) diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was 11, which is over a decade now. I always had a lot of bad experiences with people and really awful trust issues. I have been doing better for some time now, but it is very hard to let go of the feeling of pessimism and helplessness. In a world where awful things happen every second, what can I possibly do that would change anything?

Then ESC happened. Käärijä lost and I thought "another injustice that will never be corrected". Except, instead of feeling defeated, everyone just loved him more. In those weeks after and later on months, all I have seen had been unrelenting love and acceptance of Jere. Reminding him that despite not winning Eurovision, he is our winner and we'll forever think of him as such. Jere who has a wonderfully belly and strong thighs and is short and by no means is he conventional in any sense. And people loved him not despite all that but because all that. Because we all found ways to relate to him, or to what he went through.

His story of almost dying and still getting where he did only served to highlight that more. Because of he did it, why can't we get to what we want? Why can't I? It shifted my whole perspective.

Then, Joker Out. It is so, so funny to me how I barely paid any attention to them during ESC, except for bojere interactions and was dragged in it by the shared fandom, when now I post most about them.

But yes, JO. A band from Slovenia that while tehnically isn't Balkan, felt so close to me. Like they could understand all the things I kept to myself because of where I was. And then they showed me there is still hope.

I have never seen a band from around here take a pride flag on the stage. Never. I know it's a thing, especially abroad, but God I have never seen that happen here. And with how much love they always took it! That's...wow. It gave me hope that not only is it possible for injustices to be corrected, but that ot's possible to do it even in the environment I'm in.

And then...the Virtual Letters Project happened. Or well positive confessions that @spockowhales turned into Virtual Letters Project.

That's when I knew it's truly possible. I have seen tumblr posts, yes. But getting stuff so directly addressed about or to JO made me realize how much of a "wave" they all created. So many people said they helped them with their depression, with viewing their world differentky with meeting new peoplez with daring to do something new.

I have no words to describe how much that meant to me and I really hope that when they read those letters, they understood the impact they had.

But even that aside, I want to thank everyone in this fandom. People I have talked to, people I have interacted with it any way, through replies, reblogs, likes, anon asks. I appreciate every single one of you for helping create such a wonderful space. We had our ups and downs in the fandom, but we are all here because we love these fandoms, these people so much to keep talking about it even months after.

Thank you and I wish everyone here a wonderful New Year with even more laugh, love and positivity ❤️ have a good one

#rio rambles #käärijä #joker out #man this is so long but I couldn't stop myself #rio writes a love letter to jere JO and the fandom in general I guess lmao

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lyrenminth · 1 year

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When we were together

Summary: You and Joe split and meet years after, he realized he fucked up and is mad/sad to see how happy you are without him and starting to regret he left you walk away.

Warning: I mean Joe is a selfish prick is we look it objetively haha Grammar mistakes.

"I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry" you said, your fists tight, your stomach clenched in a tight knot. Many sleepless nights brought you here. You didn't know if you would regret one day, but today it was a decision taken consciously. "Are you serious?" Joe's inexpressive face hurt a little bit. He always has this pretty face and pinky lips you dreamed your children would have one day. "I'm breaking up with you, Joe" you stated, not making eye contact. After eight years together it was so uncommon for a WAG to leave this late, but since there was no ring and no signed papers leaving was easier.

“Why?" He raised his voice "Why are you leaving me?" You closed your eyes, trying not to cry. "Because it is better that way. We don't spend many time together anyway, you are busy and I'm busy. That's it"

"That's it? It's what you have to say?" he frowned "And we spend time together"

"No, we don't and I don't want to discuss it" you contradict him. You had discussions about this topic all the time.

"Well, I want to. You can't leave me, we have been together eight years"

"And that's enough for me" you said harshly, Joe expression was a hurt one, like you just slapped him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude" you sighed, tired and wanting to be as far away from him as possible. You told you closest friends and your family in advance about your decision. You friends weren't so convinced since you had stability with Joe, but your parents were more understanding about the matter. You didn't know why love vanished from you. Maybe it was the routine or how lonely you felt during the season, but one day you woke up and saw Joe as a roommate rather than a boyfriend. And his house started to feel foreign, and his presence wasn't wonderful anymore. And you thought the feeling would be temporary because everyone loved Joe, and you should too. He gave you many things other men could never, but it wasn't enough. You tried to loved him again, going to dates, dressing cute but in general the experience felt so bad. And the blame drown you. How could you think even for a moment to leave a man like him? Handsome, athletic, rich, popular and down-to-earth. "If you leave him, you are going to regret it deeply" a friend told you "You are not gonna find someone like him elsewhere" Maybe you don't, maybe you would regret it for life. But crying every night wasn't your long term option. You couldn’t live like this forever. You weren't attracted to him anymore, a sour and true feeling. And if you brain were smarter, you would have stayed and enjoy the expensive lifestyle, but since your heart was slowly dying you decide to leave."If it is what you truly want, then what can I do?" He said sadly. He wasn’t even fighting for this "But let not make a mess about it, it wouldn’t be good for my image"

You don't. People didn't realize Joe was single after a couple of months later during a interview when he denied to have girlfriend.

***

You built a new life far away from anything football related. You stayed in contact with some of the girls, but always went out during the off-season and never talked about Joe or football in your presence. Sometimes you felt like an outcast but they truly enjoyed your company. You noticed Joe's popularity rise and you watched his commercials in public spaces. When you moved for a job opportunity in another country you got the news that he won his first Super Bowl ring and you were happy for him. You reminded him fondly. You bet he hated all the attention he was receiving, but it was the way it was. After his win, you didn't hear about him at all, until you went back to America, now as a married woman. You saw each other at a wedding from a friend in common. You genuinely thought Matt would never get married, so when you received the invitation you had to see it first hand. You saw Joe in the ceremony, he was dating a beautiful woman that you knew later was a model. You made eye contact across the crowd, it was just a second but you could tell he was surprised. Then his eyes focused on the person next to you, your husband. You felt a little guilty not knowing why. You made a life after him, not avoidable.

You enjoyed the wedding, chatting with old friends and catching up, meeting their partners and babies. A few of them didn't know you were married and you introduce them to your husband. When the party started, you dance together. Your hubby was a good dancer, and both enjoyed the party between laughs and alcohol.

***

Joe hated it. He felt fucking sick.

You were gorgeous as you always were, your blue dress flying around, your naked back he touched many times before. Your childish smile...How could you do so well without him? He was hurt, his ego was hurt. His pride didn't let him to approach you, but when he saw you leave to the gardens, his feet started moving. He wanted to see you again, touch you. See how much you have changed. Why do you married someone else and not him. Why do you moved on when he still had a little silly hope that got crushed when he saw that ring in your finger. Why he wasn't enough? Why, why, why. He loved you so much, and he failed in many ways. You were a simple woman, you never cared about money or luxury things, but the things you care for he couldn't give it to you. Against his pride, he had to admitted to himself that letting you go and letting your relationship sour and die was the only regret of his life. So when he saw you in that bench, staring at the night sky he felt sad. Hurting from memories. You always saw him as Joe Burrow, the guy from Athens, fan of Starts Wars and geeky stuff, the perfectionist and grumpy man. The insecure boy about his teeth and appearance. The anxious man who people has never seen on screen. You knew those sides of him. He loved you since college and those feelings punched him in the gut watching you there.

He walked towards you in silence, when you looked up to him, you got startled. "Joe" your voice sounded strained, surprised. You looked older, your hair had its natural color. When he entered to the NFL you decided to dye it blonde, but always loved your brown hair.

"Hello" he said, a little nervous.

"What are you doing here?" you stand up, looking around. You were alone.

"I want to talk to you"

"Oh, about...what" you asked, flat.

"I wanted to see how are you doing" he shrugged, his hands in his pockets. "Oh, I'm doing well" you said, looking at his blue eyes. The black suit made wonders on him. "I'm married know, I live in London, have you been? It's a nice city" you babble. He felt a sharp pain across his chest. "No, no, you know..." he started.

"You don't like long flights" you finished for him. A short silence between you. The tension rising.

"Can I sit? " He got closer and took a seat, you sat down a few inches apart rigid. "You are dating someone I suppose?" Joe nodded without hesitation. "Nothing serious she wanted help with her model career, I'm helping her until she gets a contract" he shrugged.

"Oh, that's...well, good for her" he smiled a little bit, he was still staring, studying your face. He noticed a few white hairs too, but your eyes were kind as always. Your lips were red and plump as he remembers.

"I can't believe Matt got married" you said, looking the flowers in front of you. "Yeah, I have been wishing many things tonight" he replied as a joke.

"Like what?" He shrugged with nothing to say apparently. The true was he didn’t want to say it out loud.

"Winning another Super Bowl?" You added. "Did you watch the game?" he asked, hopeful. It was a great moment in his career.

"No, I couldn't" you answer disappointed him. You were beating him without knowing. Damn you were completely over him. And why you shouldn't? You were resilient, strong on your own. What a selfish piece of crap he was. When you broke up with him, he thought you were going to comeback to him after a couple of months, when that didn't happen he thought you needed time, and when that time become years he realized he fucked up. Of course, you were dating Joe Burrow the guy from Athens, not Joe Burrow the Superstar Quarterback. Because yes, you break up with him because he didn't pay attention to the relationship. Because he thought you were staying no matter what. He took you from granted and he lost you.

"Are you ok? You look tired" He hear you voice and went back to his senses. "Yeah, it has been a long day"

"Well, I'm happy you are doing well, Joe" he looked you, your answer was genuine he could tell. You were smiling at him. “I hope you continue your career as healthy as you could be. I wish you the best, truly”

He stared at you long and hard. He felt a sting in his eyes and looked down. How could you be so kind after so many years? and why it seemed like another goodbye from you?

"Yeah, thank you" he coughed “I wish you well too. Can I asked you something?”

“Yes, go ahead”

“Are you happy with him?” he asked.

You blushed. "Yes, I am" He sighed feeling suddenly more older and tired than ever. "Glad to hear, you deserved it”

“You are going to find someone too, Joe” if you were trying to comfort him, it didn’t work. It was pretty much the opposite.

“I need to come back. Take care" He stood up. He walked a couple of steps when he turned around and said:

"Just for the record, I also wish I had done things differently when we were together"

#joe burrow #joe burrow x reader #joe burrow fan fic #joe burrow fic #nfl

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shining-star-system · 2 months

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Tw syscourse heavy, transRAMCOA & RAMCOA mentions, transCSA mentions, transProgrammer/transProgrammed mentions. Again HEAVY syscourse. Not happy about all of this so it’ll probably come out strong (I don’t mean it strongly just in annoyance).

Every time I pop up and just look through Tumblr, the horror stories of endos and whatever other non-traumatized “system” really irks me. That and these “transRAMCOA” assholes.

The endos first. All endos want to say is that they’re invalid to claim they have a trauma disorder without trauma. That literally goes against itself in a single statement. “I have a trauma disorder but I have no trauma.” You are quite literally contradicting yourself in the same sentence.

“But what if they don’t remember their trauma?!” If they aren’t sure of being plural and won’t do genuine research and say, “hey, my symptoms line up with this and I realize that this term isn’t what I am” then that’s a big iffy. I know some people always want anti endos to be “endo neutral” but nah. Fuck that. I’ve seen so many other blogs comment about how endogenics send them anonymous asks to say rude and mean things completely.

“But why do you believe those?” Because the ones that aren’t truly being victimized will always go and hound someone’s ass because they’ve been called out. I’ve never seen one person that was truly dealing with OSDDID comment to someone else wanting them to go harm themselves because they got called fake and invalid, I’ve seen a majority breakdown. Ourselves included.

I’m surprised with my standing about not receiving any anonymous messages telling us things, but I feel like the last time we said anything about it, we did say we’d post the ask any way and just mock. Hell, we enjoy vicious mockery (heavy D&D need).

But on the topic of transRAMCOA, transProgrammer, transProgrammed, transCSA.

All of you are twats. Complete and utter assholes. And I’ll stand by that. True survivors have a very little space to be able to go to and to find a community. And I thought here would be fine but no.

You REALLY don’t want genuine torture to happen to you. I don’t want to get into the parts of it that we can comment on. But what the fuck? Why must all of you say shit like “I want this to happen to me!” “I want to do this to people!” “I want to be this!” “I should have experienced this!”

What does that do to genuine survivors? Endogenics and their supporters are already making it hard for genuine systems to get a diagnosis and not a lot of licensed professionals are following the dissociative disorders due to TikTok trends. What do you think you’re all doing to genuine RAMCOA/OEA survivors? You’re taking away the little things we genuinely have and that’s messed the fuck up.

No one should have to go through shit like that, let alone children. It’s completely and utterly mad that adults and children want to wish this something like that happened. And if you’re a minor, please stay safe. Stop saying shit like that before you genuinely do get hurt because it will happen. The internet is fucking crazy. It’s not a bad thing to practice internet safety before it’s too late.

I know we spill our guts here on this blog but I’d rather someone be able to relate to the things I spew than have to out themselves and have a target on their back.

But this whole tirade of bullshit like this (it is bullshit), I can’t support anyone who says something like that.

Sure, they might not remember their trauma, but they’re associating with a term against our dni. And I won’t support them with that term anywhere.

That’s just our thoughts on the matter. And I’m not happy about the things I’ve seen recently. Stop being jealous and romanticizing someone else’s trauma. It’s disgusting.

#syscourse #heavy syscourse #tw syscourse #tw ramcoa mention #tw transRAMCOA mention #tw transCSA mention #tw transProgrammed/transProgrammer mention #mainly just a whole tw post #dni endos #endos dni #proendos dni #dni proendos #dni transramcoa #transramcoa dni #dni transid

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neos-schlond-poofa · 2 months

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MY MCD HEADCANONS FOR THE 9TH ANNIVERSARY

i need to post SOMETHING to celebrate the best minecraft series ever but i dont want to do something too big because next year is TEN YEARS I AM OLD so heres my hcs and most are. just canon in my rewrite WHICH I REALLY NEED TO ORGANIZE ONE DAY. someone should make like a google doc layout template thing for us its a hard world theres so much stuff that needs to be rewritten. anywho.

LORD APHMAU

NOT the reincarnation of Irene. Or literally just Irene.

Instead I based her off of my friend's old theory from 5th grade (as a tribute, also my friend isn't dead it's not like an in memoriam tribute but its a tribute to an amazing idea) that she was a fallen angel. But. She isn't at the same time?

Instead, she's one of Irene's daughters. Kind of. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN AND I DONT WANNA GO ALL INTO THE LORE HERE BUT THERES "SISTERS" OF HERS TOO AND VYLAD STILL SUMMONED HER.

She doesn't have those markings from rebirth; I like them in fanart, but realistically? Why would some random girl have that? Instead, she has weird scars on her body.

Knows the basics of writing and reading... but REALLY struggles with them still. She literally just spawned on this world. She doesn't know everything.

But her natural tendency to help people is in her blood. Like. Irene's whole purpose of these "daughters" of her were to try to fix her legacy in a way. She still struggles with a lot of things though, and all those changes to the village LIKE WHERE SHE JUST BUILT HUGE THINGS obviously don't happen.

She also didn't have good combat skills until she trained with Garroth. Then Zenix. Then EVERYONE. Her combat skills are a huge melting pot of every single person she's fought against or fought with. Of course, she prefers to just use her sword.

SUPER socially awkward but doesn't even realize it. After all, she doesn't have many things to base her social interactions off of; she just got here. But, she does have manners at least.

Can't cook. AT ALL. This is actually a headcanon based off the WORST FANFIC I EVER READ (I lied it was amazing but I was so shocked by the ending like it's the best fic ever but... it SCARRED me PLEASE read it).

About like. 24 years old.

Bisexual and genderfluid and polyamorous.

Endgame is ultimately Garrancemau, but she DOES have a relationship with Katelyn and Zoey during the series. Those will be expanded upon later.

Never has a romantic relationship with Aaron. Also will be expanded upon later.

Can't tell her lefts from rights (just like me) without using her hands.

Once she found out about her relation to Irene, she just felt TERRIBLE. Like. This super cool Goddess EVERYONE loves was basically her mother and she has to live up to that.

BUT OH IT GETS WORSE WHEN SHE FINDS OUT IRENE IS A TERRIBLE PERSON. Now, she has to struggle with telling the world or not, she has to exist knowing she was just created to be a solution to the problems someone who doesn't even care much about her caused.

Has mild generalized anxiety and ADHD. And. Naturally gets a lot of trauma over the series.

Knows how Joan of Arc felt.

GARROTH RO'MEAVE

Kind of an idiot in a way. Like. SUPER INTELLIGENT. But never thought about changing his first name when hiding in Phoenix Drop... he just always ignored people's questions about his last name.

In his defense, Garroth became a fairly popular first name after his birth. It's like when the royals have children and the names they give them become more popular.

Azura helped him escape to Phoenix Drop; they met when he was allowed to go to knight college or whatever its called I FORGOT GUYS!! And he was not in the same class as Laurance... but there any good knight is literally put on the list of Jury of Nine canidates. Like. It's not that hard to be considered. But to be picked? They do like the biggest background checks EVER and secretly watch you to see your strengths.

Naturally a very father-like figure to those significantly younger than him as a result of caring for his brothers and protecting them from his father. I made a whole post about it before. I'd tag it but I. Don't feel like it.

LEVIN'S FATHER!! DILFROTH IS CANON GUYS. But he doesn't know he's the father until after the timeskip.

He doesn't just wear his helmet to hide his appearance from others; he can't stand his appearance. He's a splitting image of his father, the man he truly hates. He hides all the mirrors in his living quarters, he can't stand it. Aphmau is the one that truly starts helping him love himself.

Although. After the whole incident featuring a betrayal, portal, and missing 15 years, he feels scared that he is turning out evil just like his father. He hates it. It haunts him everyday.

Also. HE WASN'T AWARE OF WHAT HE WAS DOING.

Firstly, I just need to say, I head canon Garroth to have depression. And I spoke about this a bit before, but seeing the two people he loved the most seemingly hide a relationship behind his back, instead of being open and honest with him just hurt. He fell into a depressive episode, like it was terrible. AND ZANE BEING ZANE used that to manipulate Garroth, having Lillian use magicks and potions or whatever to mind control him. He only broke out of it once Lillian died AND LAURANCE USED THE POWER OF LOVE!

He never truly figures out everything that happens until after he escapes from the Irene Dimension.

Speaking of which, he is SUPER injured after he escaped from there. I. Um. Actually don't know the specific injuries I'm giving him but all I know is he becomes a cane user. So like. Obviously something with his back but I need to like really get the logistics down that's just how my mind works with these things.

In love with Aphmau AND Laurance. He's so silly.

Bisexual masculine non-binary he/they autistic king that also suffers from depression, PTSD, and survivor's guilt.

Like most people believe, he has a dad bod. Like obviously he's muscular, but he's also chubby.

Can't cut his own hair since he doesn't look in the mirror. When he first revealed his face to Aphmau, she helped him out with his beard and hair (and almost braided his hair).

Around 26 years old.

A good singer, but only sang for Laurance while he was recovering. It's their small little thing.

LAURANCE ZVHAL

Okay so firstly, I'm not putting any Shadow Knight headcanons. That's too much.

However, as a result of being a Shadow Knight, he has poor temperature regulation. Like. He's very naturally warm, so he overheats a lot, but in the cold, it's the opposite. He's FREEZING and has to layer up a lot.

Has two gay dads. Which... is canon?? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THIS. He has Hayden and Joh. They are his gay dads and they raised him. And Cadenza.

Rarely can have a nice, peaceful sleep due to night terrors. He's haunted by the memories of the Nether, and the only times when those thoughts are subdued are when he's sleeping close to Aphmau or Garroth.

Actually the father of Alina. Because it's not Aaron (ew). And he never knows about this. Because he SACRIFICES himself to save Garroth and Aphmau because he loves them, and he doesn't want either of them to hurt or for himself to hurt them due to the calling.

Just to clarify, he and Aphmau did not intend for this by the way. They just had a silly night where they drank a little bit! And then woke up like a rom-com or something and where like "Oh. My. God." LIKE IT SEEMS TO BE SILLY but then it isn't.

Only knows how to crochet a single type of bear plush. Like. NOTHING ELSE.

He had to wash his orange hair like every single day. If he didn't it literally became so greasy and so crusty. And Zoey ended up having to do that while she watched over him. She was so close to just chopping it all off for him.

Garroth was his closest company while he was blind. He often asked Garroth to describe him what he saw in the village.

Once he got cured, he only partially regained his eyesight. He struggles to see a lot, and gets headaches easily. When he goes into Shadow Knight form though, his eyesight gets a lot better; but once he gets out of that form, he experiences so much pain, and his sight goes downhill for a while.

Can braid hair.

Likes to prank his friends a lot through really elaborate scares. SUPER happy once Malachi and Levin started getting involved.

Pansexual and polyamorous and 25 years old.

Sneezes like. Really cutely. Like he has one of those sneezes.

KATELYN

LITERALLY THE MOST MUSCULAR CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE SHOW. AND TALL.

Her true love was Jeffory. Nothing will ever change that.

When she dated Aphmau, her own grief over Jeffory held back the relationship from blossoming into something more. This applies to all her other relationships as well.

Her anger issues are just simply treated better here. Like. That's all I have to say about that.

Helped care for Aphmau the most (along with Zoey) after Garroth was freed from the Irene Dimension because of how depressed she was over everything. She became really close with Lilith Garnet during this.

Never gets drunk. It's kind of insane. She is wild at taverns and just. Never gets drunk. Her power at that is balanced out with her terrible seasickness.

Doesn't get the appeal of coffee. She hates it, like it tastes so bad to her. She's a tea girlie.

28 years old. But people never guess her age right, like ever. She's eternally youthful despite not having a single skin routine.

Okay this is actually a headcanon and it's based off of a friend I do have in real life. So like yeah I guess in modern times Katelyn is a One Directioner but I guarantee she would be a Deftones fan or something.

okay i planned to do more characters but i literally forgot all mcd characters and my hcs :( SO MAYBE JUST SUGGEST CHARACTERS AND ILL SAY THEM CAUSE THEYRE JUST NOT COMING TO MIND RN also im tired

ANYWAYS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE SHOW THAT FOREVER CHANGED MY LIFE. without you minecraft diaries, i wouldve never become the insufferable person i am today <3

#minecraft diaries aphmau #minecraft diaries #mcd #mcd aphmau #mcd headcanons #rambling #GUYS PLEASE SUGGEST CHARACTERS I KNOW I CAN DO MORE!!

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lollytea · 2 years

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Okay I wanna write down a few thoughts on that part of the climax in Thanks to Them that has garnered some mixed opinions. Specifically Hunter’s possession and the subsequent death of Flapjack.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m defending this scene, as people are perfectly within their rights to be uncomfortable with it and criticize everything from its execution to its inclusion at all. Whether this whole thing was objectively a terrible writing decision for Hunter’s character, his arc, and the overall message it sends is....a discussion starter to say the least. Rather, what I wanna do is maybe try and dissect the reasons why these scenes might exist in the first place. From a writing perspective.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out just what angle the crew was going for and I think I might have some vague idea. And I’ll admit, I think there’s something poignant in here somewhere. Maybe they fumbled the bag a bit and didn’t consider just how troubling some of these implications could be. Writing gets clunky sometimes. But that’s up to every individual viewer to draw their own conclusions. But personally, I don’t believe that these scenes were intended to be gratuitous. I don’t believe that they were added solely because the crew are sadists who enjoy wringing Hunter dry like an angsty dish cloth. As flawed as they may be, I think I can understand why they were written. Possibly.

So, I’m gonna try to give an objective look at the themes, storytelling and symbolism at play here and how all of that relates to Hunter’s overall character and the big climax of his story.

We’ll start with the very understandable hurt viewers felt when Hunter’s road to recovery was abruptly relapsed by Belos. The thing many people are vocalizing their feelings about is how the episode made sure to demonstrate just how happy Hunter was. That’s what devastated them the most. Hunter was in the process of healing, which hits close to home for many, making what Belos did to him all the more disturbing on a personal level.

However, every single one of us knew that Belos was alive before we watched the episode. Hunter did not. Hunter believed that Belos was dead and this was the only reason that he felt safe enough to make such progress in his recovery. So now matter what way you twist it, we all knew Hunter was set up to relapse the moment he realized Belos was in the Human Realm.

So what was the point of showing this sixteen year old abuse victim experiencing safety, warmth, happiness, confidence and self exploration just to cruelly rip it all away from him?

Put simply, to establish just how much Hunter now has to live for. Just how much Hunter has to fight for. His motivations for living and for fighting are sprinkled all throughout the episode. This boy has such a hopeful future laid out before him and he knows it. So when he finally gets his moment to tell Belos exactly what he wants for himself, you understand exactly where this passion and determination is coming from. It means something.

And then there’s the possession itself, which everything comes down to. We saw the leaks, we hated them, some of us talked ourselves into believing they were fake but we all kinda knew deep down. It was a very fun very terrible week. ANYWAY.

I think that Hunter’s arc would have felt incomplete if he didn’t get a final confrontation with Belos. That’s the popular opinion. However, many are also in the opinion that Hunter getting possessed was very unnecessary and violating and it should not have been done in the first place. And I’m not gonna argue with this view. It’s legit. But again, here’s what I believe the crew might have been going for with this.

The possession of Hunter’s body is a symbolic manifestation of everything Belos has always represented in his life. It’s a final culmination of all sixteen years under that man’s thumb and all the damage he’s done to Hunter’s body and psyche.

Ever since Separate Tides, Hunter has been Belos’ puppet. And honestly, though the specifics of the arrangement have shifted, this was still the case throughout Thanks To Them. Between Separate Tides and Hollow Mind, it’s pretty simple. Perfectly obedient Golden Guard who does everything his uncle tells him to do, without much say in the trajectory of his own life.

However, after Hollow Mind, Hunter was no longer that. But that didn’t mean the puppetry stopped entirely. He was a nervous wreck for the rest of the season. The mention of the Emperor’s name paralyzed him with fear. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t done directly. Belos still had an alarming amount of control over Hunter.

So long as he was alive, Hunter knew he wasn’t safe. And once Hunter starts to realize that he’s still out there, it becomes obvious that he will never fully recover until he’s certain Belos is dead.

Everything about the possession is an encapsulation of what Belos’ years of abuse and manipulation have been like to Hunter. How powerless he’s always felt. But this time, it isn’t done through words or threats of violence. It’s worse than that. It’s physically invasive. It’s desecration. It’s having his very self taken away from him and nothing is more sacred than a person’s autonomy. The weight of what’s happening to him is palpable.

This is the worst thing Belos has ever done to him.

But what does Hunter, the boy who spent his entire life petrified of this man, do about it?

He finds it in himself to rebel against it.

Because, though Belos’ abuse and the negative effects of his upbringing have always been such a crucial aspect of Hunter’s sense of personhood, it’s not all that defines him.

A long time ago Hunter was given orders from the Emperor to slay a selkidomus. Instead he passed the job off to somebody else because he didn’t want to do it.

Hunter self-sabotaged his own mission and allowed Luz to escape with the palismen he was ordered to recover.

Hunter studied wild magic against his uncle’s wishes.

Hunter went to Eclipse Lake even when he was told not to.

Hunter had a secret palismen named Flapjack.

Hunter assigned himself to the Hexside mission without getting Belos’ approval.

Hunter owned a secret scroll.

Hunter refused to roll over and die in the mindscape even when Belos decided that he was no longer useful.

Hunter has a rebellious heart. Had one from the very beginning. He was definitely in denial about it back then (Happily declaring just how much he loves “Authority! And rules!”) but it was there, clear as day.

But this is the moment where Hunter embraces that rebellious heart. And in doing so, he finds the willpower to regain control of his body. To Hunter, this moment is a reflection of everything he’s always wanted to do. To break free of Belos’ power. To speak his mind. To choose his own future. To choose himself.

And all that genuine joy we saw him experiencing earlier in the episode is what strengthens his resolve to grit out his final words to Belos.

Hunter releases years of pent up frustration that he was too brainwashed to ever let himself think about.

Hunter openly expresses desire after desire, fully aware that every single one of them will boil Belos’ blood.

Hunter outrights demands that he be allowed happiness.

He’s proving, not only to Belos, but to himself that you can hurt him, you can scare him, you can manipulate him, you can even possess him, but you will never own him. Nobody will ever own him.

So, yes, absolutely. There are valid criticisms to be had of the concept of Hunter being possessed. And it’s likely the writers didn’t really think a lot of the ramifications through.

But I believe the idea it’s trying to portray was how the intensity of that moment and how violating it was to Hunter further emphasized just how powerful Hunter’s final act of defiance was. It wasn’t just one last fight between the two of them, it was a visceral way of having Hunter confront everything Belos has ever put him through, allow his resentment to bubble over and finally understand that he has the right to reject who he was “supposed” to be, whether Belos likes it or not.

One thing that came from the possession scene that I believe is genuinely a good and healthy thing is that Hunter’s perspective of Belos has changed for the better.

This was the worst thing Belos could have possibly done to him. And Hunter did not only survive it but he was capable of resisting it. Something he’s never been able to do before. He has officially endured the worst Belos can inflict on him. So, with that in mind, Hunter has no reason left to be afraid of this man anymore. With this, all remaining control Belos had over him has been shattered.

I have to acknowledge that, though this experience was truly godawful, it did provide Hunter with the closure he needed. It was necessary to how he proceeds forward. With all that fear out of the picture, Hunter’s current feelings towards Belos consist of righteous fury and contempt. Which is cathartic to say the least, as Hunter’s hate can finally be directed at the person who hurt him, rather than himself. In the case of a victim struggling with their trauma, allowing themselves to be angry at their abuser can be a very therapeutic thing.

This is huge for Hunter. While many have expressed the opinion that the after effects of this moment will be detrimental to Hunter’s overall arc, I honestly think it’s a massive step in the journey to recovery. It’s not the nice peaceful part he experienced while in Camila’s house but not everything about an abuse victim’s healing process is pleasant. Sometimes it’s ugly. But progress is progress.

And then there’s the matter of Flapjack’s sacrifice which is a doozy of a subject.

Anyone who follows me is aware that I was very vocal in my belief that Flapjack would survive, because surely they wouldn’t take something so precious to Hunter away from him. Surely.

(Well I’m Stan and I was wrong, I’m singing the Stan Wrong Song, okay fuck you.)

But once that episode was over and the credits were rolling, I started to think about Flapjack as far back as his introduction in Hunting Palismen. And honestly, I feel like his death was planned from the start. The kind of friend who comes into your life, changes you for the better before inevitably having to say goodbye. But even if it’s temporary, that doesn’t make their presence in your life any less impactful.

While Flapjack had plenty of personality, he wasn’t so much a character with his own arc, as he was a tool in progressing Hunter’s. His role in the story was to guide a lost and lonely boy into the light and show him that he’s worthy of being loved.

And with Flapjack’s influence, Hunter let himself meet people who don’t make him feel worthless. He has never felt more loved in his life.

Flapjack officially imprinted on Hunter when the boy expressed a longing to figure out his own future. Flapjack decided that he would try to lead him in the right direction.

And in his final moments, Flapjack watched the boy he had been guiding adamantly proclaim everything he wanted his future to be. It was safe to assume he had figured it out.

Flapjack’s existence in Hunter’s life also represents the link to Caleb along with Hunter’s complicated “relationship” with this ghost of a man that he’ll never know. Caleb is not Hunter and Hunter will never be Caleb. However, they’ll always be connected by the strings of terrible, terrible destiny that Belos tied together. And though Hunter didn’t know it, Caleb lingered in his life in the form of the bird he left behind.

And in all that time where Hunter figuring out his own identity, Caleb’s bird was helping him along. It was when Hunter was finally certain exactly who he was (Not a witch hunting accomplice of Belos) that Caleb’s bird was ready to move on.

With all these ends tied up, Hunter did not need Flapjack anymore.

But Flapjack still had one more job left to do. And that was to make sure Hunter got to stay with the people who loved him and Hunter got his chance to experience the future he had decided for himself. Figuring it out is useless if it’s all a hopeless fantasy. Flapjack wanted it to be a reality.

It must have been a relief to the little bird’s heart that his witch had grown so much and he could leave knowing Hunter would be okay without him.

(There’s also the interpretation that Flapjack is an analogy for a service animal/disability aid. But that line about learning to carve could not set it up the future any clearer. Hunter will not be without a palisman forever.

Obviously, it might take him some time before he’s ready to begin again. But he will make a new palismen. As a boy who’s spent his entire arc learning how to let new loved ones into his life, it would make absolutely no sense whatsoever if he didn’t.)

Anyway, my biggest fear when I saw the leaks which showed Flapjack sacrificing himself for Hunter’s sake, was how much something like that could completely destroy all of Hunter’s healing progress. Because why wouldn’t it? He not only lost his best friend but Flapjack died to keep him alive. How could he possibly live with himself after something like that?

I think this is one of the main talking points over why people are upset about Flapjack’s death. How it’s going to effect Hunter. I’ve seen the belief that this devastating loss was detrimental to his recovery journey and it’s rendered all of the lighthearted scenes of enthusiasm and confidence from earlier in the special obsolete. But I honestly feel like it’s the exact opposite.

Hunter’s reaction to Flapjack’s death was different than I imagined it would be. And not in an objectively bad way. It’s quite telling of how far he’s come. Compare it to Hollow Mind where Hunter also experiences a traumatic loss which results in him having a complete meltdown. He cries, he hyperventilates, he runs blindly into the woods. It was borderline apocalyptic. And it’s completely understandable. At this point in life, Hunter lost what he believed to be his entire world.

After Flapjack’s sacrifice, the first thing Hunter did when he regained consciousness was smile, softly greet his remaining loved ones and ask if they were alright. It’s revealed seconds later that he already knew Flapjack was gone. But he still had it in him to smile. Because even in the devastating aftermath of losing the creature who changed his life and introduced him to real happiness, he’s relieved to know his friends and family are safe. He knows he’s not alone.

Flapjack was deeply important to Hunter. It’s impossible to even articulate just how much he adored that little bird. When he lost his former life, Flapjack was all he had.

However, by this point, Hunter’s life is flourishing with hobbies and interests and ambitions and friends and family and love. Flapjack was no longer everything Hunter had. And being surrounded by so many people who cared about him in his moment of grief is a powerful thing.

Hunter is quiet about Flapjack’s death. He’s weak, he’s exhausted, he’s utterly gutted. But there’s nothing that implies he blames himself. Judging by how he was aware of the sacrifice despite just waking up, I believe they did get one last goodbye via their mental link.

And I think this is why Hunter seems so accepting of what had just happened. Whatever Flapjack said to him, he had successfully made Hunter understand that this was just how it had to be and that it was not his fault. And with all the love and optimism Flapjack has instilled in him since they met, Hunter decided that what he needs to do now is try and lead the most fulfilling life he possibly can. He has to. This life had been a gift from Flapjack after all.

But as mentioned way up above, Hunter can never have the life he wants until Belos is permanently out of the picture. I think this is where his new lease of life comes from in the final moments of the special.

Hunter has changed significantly throughout this episode. While in his opening scene, he was completely clueless on how to comfort Luz properly because he equates the guilt she feels to his own and that link between their similar feelings sabotages any attempt at clarity on his part. His words of comfort were basically “If it helps, they’ll hate me more.”

But before he steps through the portal, Hunter has a new perspective on the self-loathing that has been corrupting both himself and the girl he now calls family. It was never them. It was Belos. It was always Belos. Hunter is able to tell Luz that it was never her fault because he finally understands that it was never his fault. And he’s telling her all of this because she’s important to him and she always will be.

Hunter still has Luz.

He then expresses his new motivation. To fight back. To regain control of his life. To get some justice for all the damage his abuser has done to him and so many others. To protect the world that he cares about.

Hunter still has Willow and Gus and Amity.

Hunter still has Camila and Vee.

Losing Flapjack did not kill Hunter’s fire. It did not render all of his prior growth in the Human Realm null and void. Hunter has experienced a loss and his grief is palpable but he still has so much left.

In fact, I think if Hunter hadn’t had these experiences, hadn’t built these relationships, hadn’t realized just how much life has to offer to him, he wouldn’t be taking such a defiant stance. He wouldn’t be the first one to march into the portal, taking Flapjack home, determined to end Belos once and for all. And he’s standing on a strong foundation of mourning, experience, wisdom, love and support.

I keep thinking about that very infamous line by Dana that was misinterpreted to Hell and back.

“Dana doesn’t like happy endings.”

That line never bothered me much, even when I didn’t know what the exact context actually was (Dana doesn’t like happily ever after.) Like, I watched the Owl House, I know the kind of stories Dana liked to tell. So, the way I always interpreted that opinion was the simple message that we can never have it all.

Life is tumultuous. There are ups. There are downs. There are gains. There are losses. And I feel like that’s an accurate summary of Hunter’s development throughout the special.

Hunter had been mistreated. He now has far more scars than he started out with. He lost Flapjack. These are all devastating blows to him physically and emotionally.

But please, don’t allow the suffering Hunter went through distract from all of his positive growth in this episode. Hunter spent months making happy memories. He strengthened his bonds with his friends. He now has somebody who genuinely loves him that he can call family. He’s discovered all these brand new hobbies and interests.

He likes who he is now.

That hasn’t changed. I promise you that it hasn’t changed.

And most importantly of all, Hunter is no longer ruled by fear of the man who hurt him. He is no longer under Belos’ control.

Hunter is grieving right now but he is not in ruins.

This is not rock bottom for him.

I feel that Hunter’s gains and losses were pretty evenly distributed throughout the episode. However, because of the attachment people have towards him, as a teenage abuse victim who’s steadily recovering, it’s easy to only see his losses. Because it hurts to see, it really does.

But I promise you all of those happy Hunter memories meant something too. Those are what’s him pushing forward right now.

Anyway, those are my two cents on that whole thing. Again, I don’t think these scenes are immune to criticism. However, I did want to take a moment to examine them a bit because I truly believe that there was a team of passionate writers attempting to create something profound with this.

I like to write myself and I understand that a lot of the time I miss the mark and don’t always execute the point I’m trying to make. So, at the very least, even if things aren’t handled perfectly, I’d like to try and dissect the message that they were attempting to send.

It’s absolutely fine if you don’t agree with a word of this. I understand that these scenes have hurt quite a lot of people. But thank you for reading. I appreciate it. 💕

#toh spoilers #tw abuse

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the-traveling-poet · 5 months

Note

hullo!!! i just wanted to say i really enjoy your writing and i was wondering if you'd be so gracious as to write a levi x nonbinary reader, in which the reader is asexual and gets overwhelmed by physical touch so levi tries to comfort them. you can make it as angsty as you like

thank you so much in advance ε>

Ace

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You’d always stood out.

Never taking a partner, never seeking one. Out of spite to those who jeered your way, you refused to acknowledge them when they attempted to address you as ‘Ma’am” or “Sir”.

It didn’t matter that they didn’t, or rather wouldn’t, understand. Because at the end of the day, he understood. And he loved you all the same.

════════════════════════════════════════

Pairing: Levi x Asexual!NB!Reader

Warnings: language, bullying

taglist: @21aurora @deepzombieyouth @braunsbabe

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A/N: Oh my god anon this is a blessing of an ask like-

Being ace myself, i really appreciate this ask. Finding ace related content is a strUggle. I’ve only ever read ONE ace!reader x AOT fic before and I literally teared up. So in a way, writing this request was like actually writing MYSELF into a fic. And a Levi fic at that. Well, except I use she/her pronouns, and per your request this is non-binary, so I’ll do my best!

Since being ace is a different experience for everyone under the ace umbrella, I’m writing this from my own perspective on the matter(s), as this allows me to speak my truth :)

(N/N: Nick Name)

Hope you enjoy!

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All your life thus far, you couldn’t help but to feel disgusted by at least fifty percent of the people around you. Both as a teenager making your way through bootcamp away from your controlling home, and even after you’d joined the Survey Corps and surpassed the cadet rank to become a Captain despite the jeers.

One comment after another; “faker” “liar” “prude” “confused” and so many more followed you around like a dark cloud whenever you turned someone down from their advances. And many there had been.

You’d have loved nothing more than to retaliate and lash out at them about how they were wrong about you in the moment, but you’d learned long ago it was a waste of breath.

It was around the time you were promoted to Captain that you’d given up on any chance of finding anyone decent that would respect your boundaries, and kept to yourself and your duties. Sometimes, you’d even had to cut friends out of your personal life for trying to push and pull you into directions you weren’t comfortable going.

But it wasn’t until you’d been selected by Captain Levi to participate in his squad that you began to think maybe, maybe…another shot at friendships was okay.

Your Captain treated you with respect, despite your hesitance to open up in the beginning. With the experiences you’d had thus far, you weren’t all too keen on making another friend to let you down. And somehow, he seemed to completely understand that without either of you uttering a single word on the subject.

As time went on, you both grew closer as teammates, and the idea that you could find a real, valuable friend within the brutality that was the Survey Corps sparked into your mind once more.

Many a time you’d accompany him for tea late into the afternoon. Idle chitchat would follow, perhaps even a soft laugh or two as the candle between you two melted past the wick and melted in its tray.

It became a routine of sorts, checking in on one another throughout the day and sharing tea by night. These days, your steps were lighter. You mind, less bogged down with negativity. He was certainly the first thing you looked forward to when you awoke, and the final thought that soothed you to sleep every night.

This provoked a realization within you, with a feeling of both dread and excitement making your heart plummet to your stomach. Despite having never felt this deep of a connection with someone before, you’d known exactly what you then realized you felt.

Which led you to now, standing before the only other friend you had accompanying you through this mental struggle.

“Well if you like him, go tell him!” she encouraged, grinning ear to ear as she squeezed your hands in excitement.

Pulling back slightly, you internally cringed. She knew how you felt about physical contact, yet always brushed it off with a simple ‘that’s just who I am’. And at this point, with this being her only way of overstepping, you decided to just deal with it. She was really the only one who didn’t judge you otherwise, anyways.

“I-it’s not that simple…You know I don’t have a lot of experience admitting what I feel. And to someone I like? I don’t know how.” You sighed, once again letting your hands slip out from hers.

Her exasperated huff made you raise your eyes and take in her perplexed expression.

“Now how in the hell do you think you’re gonna pursue a relationship with that hunk of a man if you can’t even handle holding hands? Relationships are a lot more physical than that, N/N.”

Immediately you froze, trying to find the right words to say next. “You know how I feel about that. I’m not comfortable with any of…that.”

“Psh, you never are. So what’s the point of even liking anyone, anyways? Anyone can be polite and understanding, but everyone has needs yknow.” She chuckled, patting a hand onto your shoulder.

You started to tense up, feeling your breathing shallow out. Not only for touch she laid onto you, but for the words she spoke that sank your heart further into your chest. For so long you’d overlooked this one trait of hers; being touchy and clingy, and this is how she would repay your tolerance? By ending up on the same road as everyone else had with you?

Feeling your heart pound in your chest, you averted your gaze and scooted away. Maybe she was right…

“He’s nice to me. He’s never hinted at anything more than being my friend…And he certainly has never laid a hand on me; friendly or other.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” She scoffed, furrowing her brow and retracting her hand. “I’m just being honest. You told me yourself once; you prefer honesty over a sweet lie. Should I lie to you and say ‘Oh don’t worry N/N, this guy’s different than anyone else on earth. He’s got no human emotions or desires; your perfect match!’ ? Cause I won’t lie to you. That’s the truth.”

Taking another step back, you fought to keep control over your shaking. But little by little your composure was breaking away.

“That-that’s not true. Not wanting to be touched doesn’t equate to being emotionless or having no desire, innocent or other.”

“Oh so now you’re not “ace” or whatever it is? This asexual thing you explained to me means no desire or attraction!” She chuckled exasperatedly.

“That’s not how that works for everyone-“

“No. You. That’s not how it works for you. Because there’s no one else out there who thinks up this bullshit like you do. You can think whatever you want for yourself, that’s fine. Just don’t confuse it with the truth.” She cut you off, crossing her arms over her chest with a sigh.

“Listen, I’m just saying that, as a woman, you gotta expect these things, yknow?” She continued on, using a softer tone paired with a sympathetic smile.

“I don’t go by woman, or man. You know that,” You cried out in exasperation, hugging your arms tightly.

“And that! First with the contradicting ‘sexuality’ and always with the in between gender! You cant just stay in between these lables and expect to live a normal life anyone could understand!”

Tears brimmed your eyes as you watched her storm out of your dorm room with her last insult stinging your heart, and your wanted nothing more than to run and hind when you heard her continue to mutter to herself as she paced down the halls. Now left alone, you contemplated your choices.

She could be right about him; he could simply be someone who knew how to hide his intentions and you’d end up trapped in a situation your rather die than be in.

But…

Who were you to trust? The woman who never quite accepted your request for physical boundaries, or the man who had applauded you for keeping to yourself out of self-comfort?

The man who had been your comfort these past several months.

With your mind made up, you left your room in a hurry. Though your tears kept you from seeing exactly where it was you were stepping, you knew this rout by heart and could follow it blind.

A short moment that seemed to last forever with how hard your shoulders and sides shook and your heart pounded, you came at last to his door. Knocking quickly, you found it hard to find the patience to wait for his monotone voice to call out for your entry.

Pushing the door open quickly, you all but slammed it shut behind you with a stifled gasp. Immediately Levi’s gaze left the paperwork before him, shooting you a once over look of concern.

“The hell happened to you?” He muttered softly. While he might not be so soft with his words, his tone was never anything but gentle with you.

“M-my friend. She…She said…That I can’t do this-I can’t…” as you struggled for both your breath and train of thought to return, Levi stood from his desk and approached you slowly.

“Oi, you’re shaking like a damn leaf. Take a seat on the couch, I’ll get some tea for your nerves.”

He stood close, but didn’t try to reach out. Somehow, he always knew how to approach you, no matter the state you were in. Instead, he just stood beside you for a moment, letting you see he was only a pace away and listening. You could have cried from relief right then and there had his offer not reminded you why you were here.

“Yeah…Yeah, thanks,” you mumbled, shuffling over to his couch and plopping down in the corner seat. After a moment, he joined you with two cups of tea. He sat yours on the coffee table, then took a seat on the other side of the couch to observe you. After you’d downed a couple of sips from the warm mug, you sighed and closed your eyes.

It was now or never.

“So, your friend. Do you want to talk about it, or keep guzzling down the drink like a horse in their troft and rob me clean of tea?”

Nearly coughing over the chuckle you tried to suppress, you showed him a thankful smile.

“If you have the time, I’d like to get it off my chest.” You admitted, deciding to keep your eyes fixed on the mug in your hand rather than meet his inquisitive stare.

“I have the time. You think I poured us both cups if I didn’t?” He mused. To others it would have sounded like a scoff, but you knew him well enough to know he was only attempting to lighten your mood with crass humor.

“Well, I’ve told you before how she…oversteps my boundaries often.” You started slowly.

“And I’ve told you before you should kick her ass to the curb. You let one get away with it, and suddenly there’s a line of people demanding ‘their right.’ “

“Okay, firstly,” you chuckled, setting your tea down. “I have. She walked out, and I’m done entertaining her. Secondly, you’re one to talk. You let me get away with all kinds of things.”

“…That’s different,” he muttered from behind the rim of his cup, switching his gaze from your face to the window on the adjacent wall.

“Well, I uhm…She’s gone now. But, didn’t leave without a few harsh words. I’d hoped so hard she wouldn’t be like the rest, but in the end…A simple difference in preferences had her changing her attitude. I’ve always respected her decisions, I’ve always addressed her by she or her, and I’ve always respected how she feels about partners. But she can’t do the same for me? Because I’m not like her?”

You took in a deep breath, shuddering as you reached for your mug once more. Levi watched on in silence as you drank your fill and slowed your breathing, mulling over your words.

“Well, for starters, it’s a damn good thing you aren’t like her. She sees everything at face value; doesn’t dig deeper for any sense of meaning or value, and couldn’t even if she tried.”

You chanced a glance his way, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over yet again.

“She told me…She said that I can’t stay in between lables and expect to live a normal life anyone could understand. And maybe she’s right. Either way I’ll stay myself. But to think there might be some truth to what she said…”

“I’ll stop you right there. There isn’t.” He stated in a tone so sure and confident you nearly believed it yourself.

“Who gives a fuck if you’re a man or a woman? Or neither? Or both? Or what’s in your pants? Or whom you sleep with, and who you don’t. You don’t truly fall in love with one’s body or gender. Real love is seeing that person’s soul and understanding it. Learning with it, growing with it, healing with it, and all that other mushy shit.”

You took a moment to really absorb his words as your tears flowed freely now. You couldn’t be sure which emotion was running strongest through you at the moment; sadness, or relief?

“I…I never mentioned to love?” You whispered, chancing another glance his way.

With an expression similar to a child being caught in a wrongdoing, Levi’s eyes widened slightly and his lips were quick to close tightly.

“I…Just meant that, either way…Whom you love, whether they be a friend or a partner, shouldn’t be based on their preference of your identity.” He muttered softly, his eyes trained back on the cup in his hand. If you hadn’t known any better, you’d have sworn you saw the tips of his ears flush a slight pink hue. Then again, maybe you didn’t know any better just yet.

Again your heart stopped, but this time not out of grief or fear. Turning to the side so as to face him better, you brought your knees up to your chest and cradled your cup close to your chest.

“Well…Since you brought it up…” you swallowed nervously and cleared your throat. “That’s what I was talking about with her. As much as it scares me…And excites me…I think I’ve finally found that.”

“Found what?” Levi asked slowly, eventually meeting your gaze with curiosity.

“Love,” you replied softly, feeling your face heat up and your hand begin to shake once more.

“I was telling her…Maybe I’m ready to take that chance, now that I understand what I feel. She was telling me that…I have to expect that every guy has needs, and while that’s not something I’m comfortable exploring…Love is. Romance, and affection found through things other than touch.”

He listened to you intently, looking deeply into your eyes as if searching for a question he hadn’t yet asked. But of course, you knew it was there. Eventually his silence made you worry, and you tucked in on yourself a little tighter.

“M-maybe she’s right, that any guy would get tired of waiting for something that may or may never happen but…I’d like to think she’s not.”

“She’s not,” Levi finally murmured, never breaking eye contact with you from across the couch.

“Not everyone feels or acts that way. Some of us feel the same way you do.”

“ ‘Some of us’? “ You asked, your tone just as quiet as his. He only nodded, giving you all the answers you needed with a simple gesture.

“So then…you…” A crack in your voice halted your question as your throat seemed to dry out.

Could he really, truly understand?

“Never been interested, never cared. Not after everything I’d seen growing up.”

Normally he would have closed off more when the conversation drifted to his life down in the slums, but it seemed he truly wanted you to understand something now.

“The things I’ve seen, and heard…The things they forced my mother into doing for table scraps…It was a deterrent from something I didn’t want any part of to begin with.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to drag the conversation here-“ He cut you off with a shake of his hand.

“No, it’s fine. I want you to know I understand, in some way or another, that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. And that…I won’t ever judge you for any of it.”

Uncurling your legs and loosening the grip on your mug, you fully faced him with a warm smile.

“And neither will I, to you.” You promised him softly, wiping away the tears that had fallen down your cheeks.

He turned too, so that he could face you fully from across the furniture.

“So then…What you said about love?” He asked cautiously, and you could practically feel how he sank further back against the armrest.

“Yeah, I may have been talking with her about you,” with an embarrassed chuckle you drained your mug and set it back onto the table.

“If-if that isn’t something you were thinking about before I won’t-“

“Would I be gripping the armrest with worry for your response if I hadn’t? I didn’t just open up for nothing you know,” he muttered, averting his gaze once more. And this time, you were sure of the color that filled his cheeks.

Relief washed over you, filling you with the courage it took to scoot a little closer to his stiff figure. Looking back over to him from only a cushion away now, you smiled.

“In that case, would it be too much for me to admit I like you a little?”

“Only if it’s not too much for me to confess I return those feelings, Y/N.”

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