#I kept out of the drama but it was affecting my mental state as well. All because you manage to land yourself into so many controversies.
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Response
Thank you to Jade/Lolthia @/edens-gemstone for replying to the previous post. I will make an exception in replying as yes, there was a part I forgot to add, which is additional evidence to prove that all your accusations in the comments below are completely false. Allow me to address them one by one.
At the end, I will include some follow-up questions to add additional context for other users.
THE ACCUSATIONS
“Also you literally stalked my tumblr after this, rb posts about Adam that I wasn’t comfy being rb and possibly sent me harassing anons (idk for sure)”
I do not have a Tumblr. This account is made by someone else, posting on my behalf. But if you really are confident that it’s me reblogging these posts and sending harassing anons, post the blog and the anons. If you don’t know for sure, why did you post this?
“You literally just… didn’t want me included because I wouldn't let you ship your OC with Ibara.”
As seen here, this claim is completely false. I explicitly mentioned that I had no problems with the pairing, but asked them to let me know prior next time to ensure the RP is consistent. I may have vaguely talked about an original story I was writing with my OC and Ibara outside of RP, but within the context of the RP, I have clearly stated that I was fine with the direction Lolthia wanted.
None of what they had mentioned was communicated to me at all before the start of the RP. They didn’t even acknowledge what I said, just responding with ‘well I figured it would be obvious’.
Lolthia’s behaviour here is consistent with their stated intention in the previous post: to RP not because they want to collaborate, but because they want other writers to expend time and effort to fulfil their self-ship fantasies, without giving as much in return. Therefore, they didn’t bother giving context, let alone asking if their RP partners were okay with it.
“You even stopped our RP after getting mad about me dating Ibara.”
Lolthia stopped the RP themselves after I confronted them for ranting on their public blog about a communication issue they were unhappy with in this server.
Someone alerted me that they were talking about their RP server on their blog. I was concerned about those in the server who were on Tumblr. As their RP partner, I requested that they delete it and talk to us first in the future. We then had the following conversation.
The conversation ended with this rude remark and Lolthia proceeded to be inactive for a long time before starting the argument in the previous post.
“I got tired of constant pings asking me for stuff”/ “I… asked to stop being pinged because I was going through enough”
I need you to understand that you are the admin of the server. We needed your help to create threads to hold our RPs in. Instead of not saying anything when we pinged you only to throw a tantrum about it, why didn’t you pass the permissions or moderator roles to someone else, or at least notify us that you’d be inactive for a certain amount of time?
In the post where we were planning an RP and pinged you - If your interpretation of ‘maybe they can come in later to keep the narrative consistent’ is us excluding you, that’s honestly a you problem, mate.
TO LOLTHIA/JADE
Only one of the claims you have made against me is correct. Yes - presently, I do not like you. But it’s not because you are whatever you identify as, or that you ship with a specific character.
I do not like you because you vagued your own server members, including myself, on your public blog. When I found out and asked you to edit out the mention of our server at minimum, you still had the gall to try to convince me it didn’t affect anyone but yourself.
I do not like you for insulting my friends and I as writers by saying we were ‘just an alternative to character.AI’ all along. And as people, by comparing us to the hate anons who had sent you death threats when we did nothing of the sort. Then, twisting the above into these accusations, without a shred of proof to go with them.
I am a ROLEPLAYER. Ibara to me is no more than a character and piece of intellectual property.
You:
Explicitly conveyed that your position was to use us to help you get validation for your alleged ‘relationships’ in a similar way to Character.AI.
Took out your jealousy towards other fandom members onto us, even getting emotional when we merely talked about and shared screenshots of characters you liked.
When we didn’t give you attention to your liking, accused us of ostracising you and wanting you dead.
Threw a tantrum at us for pinging you for basic admin duties as the server owner, because it wasn’t attention or praise.
The only irrational one here is not myself, but you, and the hard evidence in these two posts is overwhelming.
I won’t be entertaining any further responses. Please be reminded that any attempt to post my personal information publicly will be met with action by me.
TO OTHER USERS
Q: Did you make both these posts and the document?
No, these posts are follow-ups to the document containing evidence, made by a different person.
Q: Why did you feel the need to engage them rather than leave the server?
We had already talked only amongst ourselves, ignored any vents they had and began our own server long before these events.
Engaging them was at first a personal choice to defend my friends, who had done nothing wrong. At the time, I was not aware that this was common behaviour for them.
The comparison between us and the death threat anons, which could affect my friends’ reputations, was the most compelling reason for me to attempt straightening this out.
Q: Why has this post been made almost a year later?
Yes, I do agree that from the looks of it, Lolthia’s actions are old news. After I was informed, I personally did not want anything to do with them, and decided to let it go.
However, recently, my friends in the same fandom spaces have not had the luxury of curating their own online experiences because according to them, they are constantly remaking blogs. Furthermore, it was not easy for them to work up the courage to make this post, as being wrongfully accused of wanting someone’s death is not easy for anyone. So, I decided to back them up with the hard evidence they lacked.
Thank you for reading.
#ok to reblog#ok to rb#I may as well also say something in the tags (I am the one posting on someone else's behalf):#I myself hope this is the last post made on here as well. There is nothing more to add honestly.#This is honestly getting tiring. I know you will read this Jade one way or another. You will come across it.#If you have evidence for the contrary and can prove that you are in the right please do so (I already know you can't).#You will claim to be 'harrassed' but that is not our intention (anyone sending you harrassment or threats is not behavior we tolerate).#(Also no we are sending no one after you nor 'stalk your blog'. Don't act as if we don't have anything better to do... Because we do)#Let me tell you a secret Jade: You are NOT important. We only had enough of your behavior online since it does not change. At all.#It affects others - It affected us and it is affecting the communities you are in as well as a good portion of their members.#Please let it go already. But you can't. Because... As you said yourself 'Any attention is good attention'.#And some of your current mutuals will try to say 'it adds fuel to the fire'. This is not the intention in any way.#The only intention is to document Jade's online behavior and warn others. Because they have already gone too far.#This is to document and prove that they are no different no matter where they go. We only want to spread awareness.#It is not just me and the other person who are sick of it. Many others are sick of it as well. We want it to stop.#Their actions affect others nowadays as well. Only last month there was yet another incident heavily affecting another person.#Why? Because Jade thought it was necessary to make a 'callout post'. Even though the situation was long over.#This should have been long over and everyone involved is trying to move on. But you Jade make it impossible. This has gone on far enough.#Not to mention having been exposed to your drama and graphic vents (which at least sound suicide baity) have also stressed me out.#I kept out of the drama but it was affecting my mental state as well. All because you manage to land yourself into so many controversies.#I moved blogs because I had enough of your shit. Seeing it day in and out does a lot to a person.#'But no one cares about me' - We do not wish you ill (that is the truth) but this has to stop somehow. You are not the victim here.#It's always others but honestly... Given how much shit you got yourself into maybe you are to blame. This isn't normal after all.#Maybe ask yourself what you are doing wrong. But you won't. You never will. You will paint us as 'the bad ones' here.#That's the only thing you know how to do. You cannot owe up to anything and you are proving it time and time again. Even now.#Why do you get defensive now and not when the document dropped? Because there is solid evidence for your bullshit. That's why. You know it.#Deleting because you will throw a temper tantrum? No. Forget it. But again if you have proof for your claims come forward.#To me personally if you wish. But beware: This is not the first time I have dealt with this bullshit. I know this behavior all too well.#You are pulling bullshit I have already seen. My advice is to just log off already and sort your problems out.#This is not the first time I dealt with your type. You show the pattern I honestly expect and you will react as I expect.
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what another insane cliffhanger... my goodness, okay finished with the second book!!!! i just need to ramble a bit.
since i just finished it, i have thoughts on nino.. tbh i was quite fond of him initially but then he got increasingly unbearable haha the way he... says to lenu that since childhood he imagined a life where he, lenu, and lila would be together, and then.. uhm wow..! where the hell does he go! hahaha well maybe ill feel differently about him in the next book.
ngl tho, esp during that part with the elena/lila/nino drama, i was so stressed.. it just kept going!!! and kept feeling like so much!!!! wow. i had just kept thinking that theyd all best sit down and be honest with their feelings for each other and then form a poly relationship and run away together or something idk hahaha
okay i think one of my most favorite things about this book is how important every character feels. obviously we have lenu and lila, but like the rest of the cast?? they were not just some random childhood friends mentioned in the first book, they all are growing up too and are experiencing lives of their own. i think this book, more than in the first book, showed a lot of parent/child relationships, mm like how much we fear to become our parents.. to be inevitably trapped in the same fate as theirs. its in my mind a lot, about how much the things that happened to my own parents affect me. ahh elenas relationship with her mother.. despite how badly she wishes to not become like her mother, i think she does see her strength and her care for her... (oh god, like when she was sick and her mom comes out of nowhere?? and i think she was torn between feeling embarrassed by her and how capable her mother really was) oh and things like both antonio and ada becoming in different ways like their mother, stefano resembling don achille, lila fearing her son will be stupid, etc and ofc also just... the weight on all of their shoulders to.. hurry up and grow up? ahh. ///tw death tw suicide/// for the peluso siblings to witness their father be literally dragged out their house in front of them for allegedly murdering another man, hearing about his death in prison, busting the door down and seeing their mother hang herself. for the cappuccio siblings to only have their mother, who needed her children to care of her and her mental state more than she could take care of them. hhhh
that reminds me, the whole book i was hoping for more enzo content hahaha we really barely know anything about him at this point but i adore him. and he is there now! altho i wonder how much more we'll hear of him in the next books.
oh yeah, lila talking crazily about educating all the children to make a change starting with their generation... just like me for real... this is pretty much the main reason i studied early education hahaha its silly now when i think about it, but i used to feel like my skull was breaking from how much i felt i needed to find a way to take care and educate of all the children in the world in order to make some sort of difference... to find a way to get every single child to experience love and care from a loving and caring family... god. anyway i mean i still do believe that taking care of and educating the young ppl of our generation can change the world somehow, but it was just rather.. sad? seeing lila go crazy about her son and her very real fear for her son, that he might become like her and her family, unable to escape violence and poverty.
all this talk about a book centered on elena and not a single word about lenu yet ahhh my bad! oh i want to talk about her years at the university, and... gosh. just knowing you just lack something that your classmates from a rich family and background have that youll never have... even tho she quite literally graduated with top scores, she never felt fully capable? never felt enough? the need to work so hard to suppress herself in order to be okay in that city?? aghfh
alright, the ending! with her realizing that her novel (that she described as something that was truly hers to pietro) was basically born out of and deeply connected to lilas blue fairy book... god!!!!! what the hell!!!!! my goodness. she quite literally describes how theyre soulmates, how theyre connected by an invisible thread, how much they mustnt lose each other anymore. and when they finally met again and she finally realizes that "in the world there is nothing to win, that her life was full of varied and foolish adventures as much as mine, and that time simply slipped away without any meaning, and it was good just to see each other so often to hear the mad sound of the brain of one echo in the mad sound of the brain of the other." sobs. i think throughout most of the book, i so desperately wanted the two of them to just... be okay and stop being in constant war with themselves for each other.. but anyway wow, even tho for this second book the two of them arent with each other most of the time, the way their relationship is so hhhhh described so well and is always relevant, its so real wow its so real.
okay done... mm i was thinking that lenu is probably the more relatable character, but i think i identify a lot more with lila? not really bc of her life or the way acts, but the way she thinks maybe? the way she feels about ppl? idk actually, but its probably affecting the way im reading the series. mm starting tmr i wont have as much time as i do now to read, but im hoping i get through the next two books before the end of next month at least!
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(This is just me venting)
I don't know if i really want to continue on with my story anymore.
I guess the situation that happened at the start of me writing on Ao3 still affects me.
For some context:
For months now i have been obsessing over a fictional character, well a slasher name Michael myers and i've also been fantasizing over a woman name Love Quinn from you. So i thought to myself lets make "a black version of love quinn x Michael myers", Rz myers exaclty. i wanted to start with their childhood, show how they grow. At the start I only had 3 chapters and before i could even write what i wanted to write some dumb fugly no neck having ass anonymous bitch decides to call me a plagiarist for some other persons story:
"I just saw the original story posted or rather updated and this looks like a bootleg of the original '(name of work)'
Folks don’t support people that steal ans modify other people’s work.🤗😇"- Guest1
Basically...
I was accused of copying someone's fanfiction.
As seen, the guest commented that my work was a "bootleg" version of the other person's work however they also went to the other person's work telling them that I copied and pasted it and then modified it. ( I saw the second things that they said because I actually went to the other person's work to check it out, since the guest put the name of the work in my comment section)
I later on filed a harassment complaint where the Ao3 policy and Abuse committee assured me that my work won't be deleted so long as I haven't engaged in plagiarism, and that two works can share the same premise, setting, and plot without necessarily being in violation of their Terms of Service.--- Essentially, I wrote a similar story, apparently, in a Rob Zombie Michael Myers genre to another person. Go figure. Just like many other stories about their childhood.
I tried to clear the air and address it in the story and even reached out to the creator of the other work because the person accusing me went to their comment section and told them I plagiarized, however that proved futile as the creator just deleted my comments and then blocked me.
After I was blocked, the other creator and the guest then talked shit about me in their comments, saying I had a little meltdown and that I was carrying out drama for attention or whatever. Even though I didn't even start this entire situation (I'm probably being a bit dramatic but I was very hurt at the time so)
Here's what the guest said in the comments:
"Talking about startdustseraph
Bond of Haddonfield writer.
Hello (creator) again, 🤗im guest1 and I wanna apologise if I made mess in your comments as i seen that copycat was doing drama. I see their immature behaving on this(i screenshotted it, she wrote i should eat their shit and piss, can show it if you have Discord chanel?)🫠🙄🙄
Sorry she made you delete my awareness comment as I'm free to believe this person has attention issues and not admit they copy your work and modified it.
I love this story and hope you update it☺"
For the record, I did tell them to eat my shit and piss because honestly they were annoying and not leaving me alone lmao-- I don't feel ashamed nor do I regret that, like you literally bugged me and you're getting mad that I clapped back?
I tried to move on, but idk if i can mentally. Everytime i post i feel watched or something.
I kept thinking to myself: Maybe i should quit for a while, especially from writing the current story I'm working on. Maybe just abandon it.
I had so much anxiety over the whole situation and it's honestly annoying that this even happened.
At the time I was also scared of potential harassment because, the author is a larger writer and has a larger following, and if the people who followed them saw what they were saying in the comments I'd be harassed on my story because the guest was literally stating my username and putting in my story and talking shit about me.
From that point, I felt like I didn't want to write fanfic anymore but at the same time some people did like my story and I'd feel bad if I just stopped writing all together.
Then again i don't owe it to them, i like writing for me. And if I feel uncomfortable writing than I shouldn't do it.
I think what irked me from the entire situation was how smug the guest was while claiming that I was carrying out drama for attention and stuff when in reality they were the ones talking about me nonstop in the creators comment section and putting me on blast to raise awareness of something i didn't do. Tbh I was having really bad anxiety about the whole thing and just trying to clear my name.
Little side rant:
The guest was acting mad childlike half of the time which leads me to believe they're probably a minor or someone young. I'm basing this off the fact of their smugness, the use of their little stupid ass emoji's, the unwillingness to leave me the fuck alone, and leave me out of their mouths. This is why I don't like younger people interacting with my work i swear.
☆☆☆☆☆☆
Fast forward to now, things have died down, my story is still up, and the guest never came back but i feel weird continuing.
The other side of my brain wants to spite them, and just write. However I still feel watched and paranoid about the whole thing, and people who intact with the story, seen the story, etc.
But idk. I wish I was more nonchalant maybe I would have let it go. But im not. They hurt me and now im venting about the whole situation, and worried about continueing.
I don't expect anyone to actually read this tbh and I don't want anyone to read it so I did not tag it with usual tags regarding slashers. I think ill be safe I think but I don't know.
If i feel too paranoid i might just only allow registered users to interact with my story. And if i don't feel like continuing I'll leave the story up but like abandon the account.
TL;DR: I was accused of plagiarism on AO3 and I'm worried about continuing the story.
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why are you on a twitter byf?
hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.
im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.
TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.
this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.
then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).
after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.
8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.
i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.
i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.
she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.
i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.
thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.
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Hopefully I will start to post here more regularly from now on ? - I just have shit to say to be honest and I just want to post , enjoying the relative anonymity that this app gives you . My intention is just to talk about my mental health , spiritual beliefs and takes on different issues - an outlet if u will . I don’t care if anyone sees this or reblogs/likes but would be cool if anyone related to me etc Idek.
Anyway ,
I had a five hour shift at work today which I’ve been having more of recently now that my manager has been fucking around with my hours to facilitate someone who lives imo too far away to work in my job ( although he is a nice fella all the same). It was good because I was with a colleague I like so it went by swiftly enough and he doesn’t seem to complain like the other people I often seem to end up working with so it feels fairly chill and I leave in a decent enough mood . I came home and started drawing and continued to listen to this 4hr long documentary - if you could call it that , about some lad involved in the colleen ballinger grooming situation etc - don’t want to get into the details tbh and I realised for the UMPTEENTH time how consuming too much of what I would call my “guilty pleasure content” which often involves shit like : truecrime, YT drama and hospital shows etc.. negatively affects my mental health hugely because I find myself in a worse mood after watching them then before and I know there’s stuff more worth consuming and that uplifts me . However , I caught myself doing it and it reeled me back home to this place I find myself in currently . Which is a place of reconnection with my body somatically and in terms of health and energy etc. I then took my dog out for a well deserved walk (he had been in most of the day except for the morning walk) and I listened to a nice short form podcast on the walk which touched on how many of us are addicted to pain . And while I already know this, it’s good to be reminded of these things and it felt appropriate to what I’ve been feeling n all . Many of us are addicted to pain . Myself included. The podcast reminded me that the brain is designed for survival and comfort not long term happiness, that old thought patterns , negative habits and toxic relationships are all perpetuated by comfort and familiarity within the psyche / brain. I realised that some of my obsessing over the past , comfort eating (although I’ve gotten way better whooo!) and consuming negative content is just me trying to recreate a familiar nervous system state, trying to avoid the uncertainty that the present moment holds and ignore the physical pain I’m in and so on so forth .
My point is it’s important to keep asking oneself when your feeling shit or can’t seem to break a habit or let something/someone go .. “what am I avoiding? And is this thing actually just a coping strategy that previously kept me safe but is keeping me stuck now ?”.
Lots to consider and not enough energy to perfect this post .
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say it right → t.h
summary: you show a little contempt towards something tom loves. maybe somehow coaxing you into liking it will change your mind. in other words, he fucks you.
prompts: college (uni), porn without plot (?), small town.
warnings: fluff? + smut 18+ minors dni!! extended warnings below the cut.
notes: this ticks my boxes for the prompts on @rosyparkers’s fic bingo! also, no hate towards anyone studying history (i love it) just !! got stumped a bit with the plot but you'll see ;)
word count: 3.2k+ | masterlist
❀───❀───❀
ex. warnings: mentions of alcohol, dom!tom, bratty behaviour, a bit of ice play, fingering, slight degradation, dirty talk, kitchen (unprotected) sex (be safe!), one orgasm denial, pussy slapping, creampie.
❀───❀───❀
"fucking finally."
tom groans, tossing his backpack to the side after greeting you in the kitchen. settling back into the sofa, he exhales loudly; 'mentally drained' would be putting it lightly and the only reason to explain his pain is because university is stabbing him in the gut lately. however, it's fortunate that it was his last day of term; almost a month of no classes to deal with. and the smell of food wafting in the air is enough for him to forget his worries for a while.
luckily, you took your time walking back from the same uni an hour or two ago, having finished class earlier. tom was at a trip at the time you told him, the slightest bit of upset now that you couldn't get ice-cream on the way back home; only a little custom you both arrange at the last day, and to start the break on a high note.
with a text saying he was almost home, you prepared him some tea─just the way he fancies it. he'd be lying if he said he didn't notice the littlest things, one of them right now being the frequent clink of your ring when you pick your cup of tea. being married and in a six-year long relationship does that. and it subtly makes him smile at the thought of how far you've come. together.
after placing the mug in front of him, you see tom extending an arm around your midriff and before you know it, you're on his lap, his mouth brushing your hairline. then, your lips─meeting them in a sweet kiss. his grip on your bare leg tightens only focussing on how soft he feels against your mouth, how addictively you invade all his senses. like every other time, that same carefree warmth permeates his senses as you're within his hold.
once you hear the timer go off, you pull away, pecking him on the nose. tom releases you, nose ticklish and feeling almost intoxicated after such a short kiss.
"did you have wine?" tom asks you, tongue swiping his lip, savouring the flavour, "can taste it."
you wink in response. "m' mate gave it. left some for you if you want." at that, you head into the kitchen.
"what you making?"
"you know that extra pizza you made a few days ago?" he inclines his head in understanding at your reply as he gets up. "got it out the freezer and popped it in the oven. and can i just tell ya, smells fucking amazing."
he chuckles. the cooking class as an extra-curricular activity works then.
tom tags along behind you, shrugging his blazer off on the way there and hooking it on the coat hanger. he rolls up his polo shirt too and disregards it, the material making him feel stuffy. he feels under-dressed anyway, with you in just a silk robe and no bra─which is normal.
switching the oven off, you spin to see tom only in his slacks and black vest─a perfect fit, for sure. though you don't see a difference if he went shirtless; it's been a while where all of his tank tops, shirts included, have just been showing every crevice and defined structure of his abs and chest.
every time he comes in the room shirtless─now because of weeks of training with his mate, harrison─you've been left in somewhat of a dizzy state. he looks far more than sexy when he arrives home from the gym, in a way you can't particularly describe. you haven't mentioned it in fear of slacking due to the exams you had these past two weeks, knowing full well what would happen if you did. though, you admit it would've helped if you pointed it out, instead of him coming in front of you every now and again like... this. it's like he just wants you to say it.
as if his ego isn't inflated enough.
you roll your eyes at the thought. unbeknownst to you, he catches it, smirking.
it's working, he thinks.
but immediately the buzz of his phone effaces the thought of prompting you further. he'd have to leave flexing his biceps later in the evening.
tom gets distracted by the photos he's taken earlier on in the day, rather than harrison's text. you're taking the pizza out of the oven when tom asks you, making you whip your head around, "wanna see where i went to today?"
tom raises an eyebrow at you, waiting for an answer.
you hum, knowing briefly what he's talking about. he had mentioned it a week ago saying he was to go to a place nearby─somewhere in cirencester─as a treat from the history department and studying your market town.
"c'mere, look," his eyes light up, phone in front of your face as he explains, "this building, right, is the 'cirencester lock-up' where the criminals were kept back in the day."
you sit atop the table as he moves to come stand in front of you, examining the pictures-- for almost a minute. then, compelled to do anything but frown, with both your hands, you tilt his head with your forefinger so he could look at you. mindful of his love for the subject, you question him, "this... is the place you went to on your trip, is it?"
"yeah," his ruffled eyebrow furrows, "why? is it not what you expected?"
"well... thought it would be more... grand is all. looks a bit, dunno... shabby─"
you hear him gasp before you have the chance to continue. "─this is history!" he exclaims, before shaking his head at you; he couldn't believe his ears. "big or small... it means so much to this area. sure, it looks old, but they're literal gems of time's past."
the distress on his face is evident - that you can see. it's beyond him why you feel like this. but then again─the drama gcse he took in secondary school offered him the ability to stress a light situation far too much. up till the point, it looks a bit silly when he's being dramatic. to you, this was one of those times.
meanwhile, when you stare tom down, eyebrow raised, the brief aspect swims in the forefront of his mind─that being, you have a tendency to become a puddle whenever he hopes to cajole you into anything, regardless of what he wants. right now, either due to his boredom or you underrating history, it doesn't matter. tonight he decides that it's just going to be about you and him. with a little fun twist.
"i'll just pretend you didn't say anything for my sanity..." he trails off, a slight teasing tone present in his voice, "for now."
"thank god," you mutter. the light of the sun outside reflects on tom's rolex, the same one you gifted him on your anniversary, almost blinding you as its redirecting near your eyes; it's dusk, and the blinds aren't closed yet─also revealing a really beautiful sunset outside which you haven't had time to admire yet because of him. "can you also not blind me? much appreciated."
advancing towards you, he laughs dryly, head coming in level with your own. his happy demeanour from the moment he came home has changed: he's biting his lip, gaze boring into your own with his jaw tight shut.
but then, what really gets to you, the most poignant sound that makes your heart drop is that... he tuts.
you swallow; knowing tom, you feel like it's not really the end. with that in mind, you're not prepared for what's to come. yet immediately, your thighs squeeze together because of the electrical-like current that passes through your body─all the way to where you want him.
in short, you know you're his. heart, pussy and soul - his. and he certainly acknowledges that. your legs slightly go apart at the thought, ready to give any indication for him to bury his head where it rightfully belongs. it's hard not to - especially with the warmth that's radiating from him, his breath hot as he's a few centimetres away, as if luring you already.
the sudden change in atmosphere brings a chill to your spine. the control within his hands is powerful. and you're his victim.
tom gets the message. yet, he doesn't give in all at once. he wants to enjoy you, savour you, adore you. to simply rush would ruin doing all of those things.
"let's focus on how good you've been for me these past few weeks, yeah?" he starts, retreating back to the freezer. he dives in and then, shuts it, an ice cube at hand.
the confusion on your face doesn't go unnoticed; firstly, only one? second, he doesn't use ice except with gin. and there's none of that in the house. unless...
placing the ice cube on the table next to you to stop it from melting, he continues, "maybe after, i can fuck that attitude out of you."
it takes seconds for you to remark, "just because of history? seriously?" you resist the urge to roll your eyes, turning your head to the side, "for the love of fuck."
he shrugs his shoulders, "yep, that's me. i love to fuck," his arms come on either side of you, "any excuse to fuck you."
"so you're basically admitting that you're being a dramatic bi-"
at once, your bottom lip is captured with tom's, swallowing your words altogether when you deepen the kiss yourself. pulling away a little, his voice is raspy when he speaks, "my girl is always so ready for anything."
he knows you're wet, you suppose. it only burns the fire within you moreso at your implication. just as the belt of your robe is untied, your breasts are being caressed by tom's large and callous hands.
tom moves to kiss the underside of your neck, "my woman," a nip at your sweet spot, "my wife," another kiss at your clavicle, "my everything." the primal desire in his kisses grows with each kiss and the affection in his words is sufficient for you to bring him closer, crying out to him for more.
you plead, "tommy-"
"always ready for my cock," he starts again, making your breath hitch in an instant. you bite back a moan at his brazen choice of wording.
"what was that?" he presses, "you can't take it can you? my pretty girl can't take it."
"'course i fuckin' can't."
tom brings the ice cube from earlier over your clothed pussy, grateful for the cold weather. the extreme difference in temperature makes you hiss in delight, body quivering. already, water drips from tom's hands, and it's hard to tell whether it's your arousal or the melting ice.
after moving your navy blue panties to the side, he swirls it around your bundle of nerves again, hips jerking upwards. not only do you notice the cheeky glint in your husband's eyes, but the absence of the ice cube too as his own thumb replaces it.
"already melted?" tom chuckles, "this─" his middle and forefinger slaps your clit with a slight force that makes you yelp, "─warm for me, yeah?"
he doesn't give you a chance to respond, a finger entering your wetness in a heartbeat. whilst his thumb circles your clit, he adds another digit, starting to move in and out in a slow manner─watching you unravel before him.
"you feel so good for me, princess," he coos, leaving a sloppy kiss on your cheek.
darkness soon prevails the room, though not fully, as the street lamp outside only grants tom the pleasant view of your yearning state. a few minutes go by with your chest heaving─letting out aching breaths of air that sears the walls of your lungs. the only thing that treat tom's ears is the squelching sound your cunt produces. his cock twitches at the noise, feeling it pulsing the more the seconds tick by. he feels restrained in his boxers; it's a shame you're not witnessing how hard he is as your eyes are shut tight.
but it's not too long when he feels you convulse around him, because he starts going on a pace that would be considered merciless at this point. whines turn into loud moans, the pressure building up.
owing to this, your legs are shaking, unable to lay off the climax that's approaching. instantly, when at the same moment you become so close, the coil inside you on the borderline of snapping, your attention is averted towards tom's ridiculous belief. again.
"history is what makes us today, don't you believe that?" he pants.
you knit your eyebrows together, trying to focus on cumming first. yet, you snap your eyes open, to see him licking his lips, "t-tom, please─" you falter, chest heaving.
"no," tom responds bluntly, ceasing his movements then and there. his fingers─wedged deep inside your pussy─tense as you somehow suck them in further at his disapproval. you were so near to what you wanted. he goes on, "say it─"
"─gosh, you're insufferable, tom."
he responds by pressing his thumb harshly on your throbbing clit, making you whimper.
"i said say it," tom repeats, "say it right so you get what you think you deserve."
"say what, tom, huh?" you snap through gritted teeth, "history is great?"
"yes, for crying out loud."
"do i get bonus points if i act like i care?" you prompt, seeking to provoke him further; if irritating him will get him to fuck you, then so be it.
he flares his nose, reluctantly pulling his fingers out your dripping cunt. you gulp as you see him remove his trousers as well as his boxers, his cock springing out bold and unbound. you're enticed at his length, no matter how many times you've seen it─stiff and thick and his tip leaking pre-cum. tom catches you licking your lips and you're now more aware than ever of the hunger that lingers in his gaze.
as he strokes his cock, tom's eyes darken as he scans your figure. your body yearns for more, and it shows; the way your body arches up, the way your hands clutch the edge of the counter so tightly─you look so beautiful under his torture.
"just have to prove it to me, darling," he draws closer, "scream my name," he growls, his tip prodding your entrance to which you shakily gasp at the familiar sensation, "when i stretch your walls, i fucking want people to know that i make you feel good,"
"you gonna do that for me, princess?"
his free hand grips your hip, sliding behind to your ass to bring you closer towards the edge of the surface. after squeezing your bum, he slaps it─evoking a sharp jolt of your hips to move forward. the abrupt action causes the aching tip of his cock to slip inside your warm hole whereupon you both groan at the contact.
"reckon i could make you cum in five minutes?"
you shake your head, smirking, "two."
he grins, shutting his eyes and sinking in ever so slowly. he breathes out, "fuckin' ell."
your head falls back, moaning in agreement. fucking hell, indeed; he feels so snug, your pussy accustomed to his size easily as he reaches further. like it was made for him.
whilst your fingers claw into his shoulders, tom moves down to kiss you, mouth hot and wet as it explores every inch of your own and tongues moulding each other repeatedly. you take the chance to clamp around his hips, placing your foot below his ass─allowing him to drive into you deeper.
tom recedes, grunting, "oh."
forget seeing stars─you feel like you can picture planets as he rocks into you. it goes to show how long you've gone without fucking. long enough for your orgasm to be building so soon. two minutes it is. or maybe tom understands your body too well, bottoming out as soon as he sees your jaw going slack. the angle that he's pounding in at is beyond perfect.
soon enough, the shockwaves that edges nearer in your stomach compels you to shove your hips, meeting his strong thrusts without thought. tom's name rolls off your tongue over and over again, the volume of your voice amplifying the more he hits that spot deep inside you─up till the point you're screaming. just like he asked you to before. and there you are, cumming, clenching around his dick as you fail to remember your surroundings. and unfortunately, your neighbours, too.
it's rather quick when you hear tom crying out your name into your neck after you. his thrusts become sloppy, given that he's draining as much of his cum inside you─spending of what he has in him. eventually, he comes to a stop, as well as the harsh bite of his teeth below your jaw. you feel turned on again but not adequate enough for your body to want to come again; you're absolutely spent.
"were you teasing me the whole time?" he mumbles into your chest a minute or two later, still inside you, creating circles with the pads of his fingers on your waist.
the answer you give him lies in the glimmer of your eyes when he looks up at you. "of course i love history, babe," you tease, "glad i pissed you off, though."
"this is why we can't have nice things," he whines, "you're always fucking my feelings over."
"awh no," you murmur, "you know i love you and your inner-nerd of history."
a blush appears on his cheeks. "forget it, now the pizza's cold," he pouts, head resting onto your shoulder.
"your fucking fault, babe," you remark, palms smoothing over the sides of his head, "now eat it."
he has different plans. "wouldn't mind eating you out actually. much better," he murmurs, hands coming to sit on the inside of your thighs. he stretches them again, cock slipping out of your cunt. the whimper you let out is because you feel empty.
you crave to feel stuffed again.
"you really know how to change the mood very quickly. innit, tom?" you ask.
he ignores you; once he's in line with your core, his eyes lock with yours, your breath hitching at the prospect of him giving you head. even after fucking you senseless, you feel like you won't be able to take it.
tom's tongue is already prepared to dive into your hole─some of his cum he's dumped inside moments before decorates your thighs and dribbles onto the floor, though more of his seed seems to still be confined inside you.
it looks heavenly. all his.
"may i?"
❀───❀───❀
#tom holland#tom holland fanfic#tom holland fanfiction#tom holland smut#tom holland x reader#tom holland x you#tom holland x y/n#tom holland x reader smut#smut#tom holland preference#tom holland one shot#rosyficbingo#lmk what u think btw !!!!
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Out of this world hq fanfics, my favorites (part two)
Please check trigger warnings before reading any of these fics. <3
I’m also taking requests for recommendations. Just fill out the form in the pinned post on my page.
☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆
Title: Something Like Us
Author: the_madame21
No Archive warnings
Rating: E
Ship: Iwaizumi/Oikawa (IwaOi)
Length: 10 chapters, 28,916
Status: Completed
Author’s summary: Friends since childhood, Oikawa and Iwaizumi now live together, both playing for the National Team. It's no secret that athletes who are bonded perform better. So if the two of them happen to bond...It'd be for the good of the team, right?
The words in the stars say: Shawtys, don’t yell at me for recommending another Omegaverse fic, it’s so good though, and I’m just goin down my list of favs and they were right under each other. Anyways, I love this fic. This story persistently describes the pinning on both sides perfectly. You can clearly see the turning point when Oikawa’s goal changes as the bond further affects his and Iwa’s lives, both positively and negatively. This is one of my favorite IwaOi Omegaverse fics. This story gives the understanding of being connected to the one you love, no matter how it came about, a completely different meaning.
I rate this fic 10 aliens out of 10, please read and if you do talk to me about the convenience store scene, it’s my favorite part :).
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10991091/chapters/24479244
☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆
Title: Twitch
Author: CheekyBrunette
No Archive warnings
Rating: Not rated
Ship: Kageyama/Hinata (KageHina)
Length: 6 chapters, 72,501 words
Status: Completed
Author’s summary: "He was aware of the itch he’d feel before he shook his head or scrunched his nose. He recognized the impulse to move, but he didn’t realize how compulsive the behaviors had become. He had to shake his head. He had to scrunch his nose. He had to shrug his shoulders over, and over, and over.It wasn’t until he was nine-years-old that Shouyou realized he couldn’t control his movements like other kids could."
The words in the stars say: I really loved this AU. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it at first but as I kept reading I enjoyed it more and more. In this fic Hinata having Tourette's made so much sense. I love how the author used actual habits Hinata has in the anime, explained them in the story, and how they work with Tourette’s. The difference between who Kageyama was in the beginning, compared to how he was at the end made me so happy. He clearly learned how he should be treating Hinata with or without feelings and Hinata’s Tourette’s. Such a sweet read for my Kagehina stans.
I rate this fic 10 aliens out of 10.
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6103802/chapters/13991060
☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆
Title: The Outside Edge
Author: Ray (RayWritesStuff)
No Archive warnings
Rating: M
Ship: Bokuto/Akaashi (BokuAka)
Length: 30 chapters, 201,662 words
Status: Incomplete. Hasn’t been updated since 2/15/21 (Imma cry)
Author’s summary: Akaashi Keiji is a competitive figure skater, and has been his whole life. Ever since he could remember, he's always been pushed by everyone around him to be great. To never fail. To satisfy his mother's desire of him going to the Winter Olympics.Everything was going fine for him, his routine at the rink with his friends running smoothly. Until one day, the University Hockey team was temporarily moved to his rink. Thanks to his meddling best friend, Akaashi is pushed into introducing himself to well-known hockey star Bokuto Koutarou. His attraction to the wild-eyed and kind-hearted man is almost instant.Akaashi soon finds himself falling all to fast for his liking. Before he could catch himself, he was pushed out of his comfort zone and into worlds beyond. As his new relationship with Bokuto blossoms, he learns that his worth is so much more than his performance, and to accept the haunting truths in his life he's been running from for so long.
The words in the stars say: I’m a sucker for figure skater x hockey player au’s and man, WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS INCOMPLETE. *SLAMMING ON DESK NOISES* I love them so much, lmk if yall find any others. This fic was just *kiss*. I loved it. It represented Akaashi so well and his mental state as a figure skater. I got the whole experience, I finished it and then went ice skating (unplanned, surprisingly). Bokuto is such a sweet heart and every time he forgave Akaashi while he was struggling, warmed my heart (unlike my fingers while I type this sheesh). I adored the IwaOi, DaiSuga, and KuroKen in the background.
10/10 completely. I love this fic so much even with it being abandoned. </3
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24690535/chapters/59671282
☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆
Title: A Thousand Cuts
Author: lettersinpetals
Underage - Archive Warning
Rating: Teen and up
Ship: Sakusa/Atsumu (SakuAtsu)
Length: 3 chapters, 37,963 words
Status: Complete
Author’s summary: “I’m Atsumu! What’s your name?” The boy mumbled out an answer, and because his voice was muffled by his mask, all Atsumu heard was “...Omi.”“Omi?”“Kiyoomi,” the boy said in a much clearer voice. But Atsumu was already attached to the name. “Omi-Omi! Let’s go!” Shamelessly, he grabbed him by the hand and tugged him behind him. He felt responsible for him — the boy clearly needed all the protection and guidance he could get. Atsumu can be his hero.--The story started when the Sakusa family moved into their neighborhood in Amagasaki when they were nine. Atsumu would always remember that he saw Kiyoomi first.
The words in the stars say: Lettersinpetals has to be one of my absolute favorite hq fic writers. Their SakuAtsu fics are the ones I will ALWAYS rec. This story is a beautiful rollercoaster. I don’t even know how many times I cried (happy ending dw dw) while reading this. I love the childhood friends AU for SakuAtsu plus Osamu and Suna’s drama that pulls you into a heartbreaking story. Lettersinpetals blows me away every damn time I read a fic of theirs. PLEASE PLEASE, read this fic.
I rate this 10 out of 10 aliens.
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27094666/chapters/66160312
☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆
Title: Butterfly in the Subway
Author: bigspoonnoya @plotghosts
No Archive warnings
Rating: Teen and up
Ship: Daichi/Sugawara (DaiSuga)
Length: 14 chapters, 62,872 words
Status: Completed
Author’s summary: Sugawara Koushi has no idea he's already in love with the man he's supposed to hate
The words in the stars say: This fic. Oh my god. This fic made me want to have a penpal I write love letters to even when I have no idea who they are. I’m a sucker for poetry and letters, this story was a dessert for me. I adore Suga owning a bookstore. Also the background KageHina, AsaNoya, and TsukkiYama? YES. This fic lives in my head rent free in English class. The scene in the café with Suga and Daichi, I just- *dies*. Read this fic now. It’s amazing and I reread it all the time when I’m sad, such a heartfelt read. I can’t express how much I love this fic.
!!!!SPOILER!!!! “I hoped. I wanted it to be you.” *sobbing* !!!!SPOILER!!!!
I rate this fic 10 out of 10 aliens.
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3576108/chapters/7880601
☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆彡･:*:★☆彡::･★彡･::･☆
╭﹒┄﹒⁀ჲ ˚ ̣ ˖ ┄┄┄┄┄┄┄﹒
﹕Thank you for reading!
﹕What did you think?
﹕Dms are always open. Come talk!
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<3 -Cal
#butterfly in the subway#oikawa tooru#oikawa#iwaoi#Iwaizumi#haikyuu iwaoi#Iwaizumi Hajime#iwaoi fanfiction#IWAOI BRAINROT#sawamura daichi#daisuga#sugawara koushi#suga#koushi#kagehina#kageyama tobio#sakuatsu#sakusa#sakusa kiyoomi#atsumu#miya atsumu#fanfiction#fanfic#haikyuu fanfic rec#ao3 link#ao3fic#ao3 author#hq msby#msby four#what else do i tag
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Heyo! May I have Eragon's reaction to reader saying "I've loved you from the very start! I love you, but you don't love me! So why am I even confessing?" because I love drama and I do need a lot of fluff rn.
“The Many Questions And A Confession” Eragon x Modern!Reader
(A/N: How about a continuation to the one Modern!Reader slipping and telling Eragon how they know about him telling Arya about his true name?? I shall give the drama this day. It shall be a journey towards the fluff. Looks like this turned into an insert reader type deal. Needs a title now? Oops?
Drama time! Because Reader is really frustrated with Eragon in this one. Woo! How’s Eragon handle it? Spoiler: He doesn’t stop talking.
Continuation of this one: https://where-dreamers-go.tumblr.com/post/647030131496534016/if-modernreader-has-read-the-books-and-knows
Warnings: Angst! Fluff. Mild language.
Word Count: 1,703 words)
Hiding in your room’s bathroom, you remained silent. It was not so much that Eragon could not find you, it was that you did not want to be seen at least. So what if you had locked doors and were sitting in a dry tub? The worst that could happen would be if he decided to invade your mind.
“(Y/N)?” Eragon’s voice echoed throughout the chamber as the door to your room opened.
Of course he opened it. At least I didn’t barricade it, you thought. Can’t have thirty seconds to myself.
“Are you going to talk to me?” He asked quietly from the other side of the bathroom door. Apparently locating you was not an issue.
You narrowed your eyes at the door as you sunk further into the empty tub.
A barely audible sigh reached your ears.
“I’m not angry with you for knowing,” he said. “I just don’t understand why you’re running off.”
You glanced up to the ceiling. Did you forget your last guess?
“Then…you do have feelings for me?” Eragon asked. “Or you think I’m foolish for having feelings for Arya.” His voice softened, more speaking to himself than asking you another question.
You sighed and muttered, “Not so much that your feelings were foolish….just some of your actions.”
“You still haven’t answered my questions.”
“Because…wait for it….I don’t have to.”
“(Y/N),” Eragon’s tone lowered. “You’ve been avoiding me for weeks and it could not be for you knowing what I’ve done. If that were true…then you would have avoided me much sooner.”
“Brave of you to assume that I wasn’t avoiding you then.”
“We spoke more often then.”
“You asked me at least twenty questions a day. It’s hard to avoid that kind of persistence.” Kind of like now.
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Because I had just met you! I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I would never do that.”
“So please stop avoiding me. I promise to be less foolish if that will help.”
“It won’t.”
“Why not?”
“Stop asking so many darn questions.”
“No. Just tell me.”
“No.”
“Why—?”
“I’ve loved you from the very start! I love you, but you don’t love me! So why am I even confessing?” You threw your hands out in a wide gesture. “Why do I bother? What does it even matter? …why am I even still talking?” You huffed. “Are we finished now?”
Silence.
You heard nothing else. Nothing in the bathroom you were hiding in nor anything out in the bedroom.
He has to be still out there. You thought. But I swear to all that is good, if he so much as tries to enter my mind, I will loose it. I’ll probably scream, cry, or…whatever. You crossed your arms and tried to ignore the uncomfortable position you were in. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.
The lock on the door clicked and the door opened. Walking in with an unreadable expression, Eragon made his way to you.
“No.” You said shortly, but he made no move of stopping. “What are you—?”
Eragon stepped into the dry tub.
“What are you doing?” You sat up straight as he sat down in front of you.
Settling in, Eragon folded his hands in his lap.
You shook your head at him.
What in the world? If someone thought he couldn’t get stranger…he did.
“What the blazes are you doing?” You asked, too bewildered to kick him as the opportunity was brought up in your mind.
“I’m sitting.”
You rolled your eyes so far that you were staring at the ceiling. If there was one place you did not want to look, it was straight ahead.
Wanting to hit someone upside the head and still wanting to kiss their face can not be good right now, you thought.
“Why are you even in here?” You asked through clenched teeth.
“You have been avoiding me and I haven’t seen you,” Eragon said simply before his voice softened. “I’ve missed you.”
Keeping your gaze up or up to the side, you avoided eye contact.
“Can we skip to the part where you say ‘I’m sorry, but you’re right, I don’t feel the same way about you’?” You asked. “Not going to lie…right now…you’re kind of making this worse.”
“I’m sorry.” His voice was a murmur that tore through your heart.
“Alright.” Finally tearing your sights away from the ceiling, you hoisted yourself up and out of the tub.
“Where—I wasn’t finished.”
“Save your pity. I want to be alone.” You walked out of the bathroom and headed straight for your bed. There was an extremely low probability that he would follow you there too. Some lines weren’t crossed.
“I know you want to be alone.” Eragon was trailing after you.
I’m going to die from being not surprised, you thought of a quote.
“Please let me speak.”
“You’ve been speaking this whole time.” You yanked off your shoes. “What possibly could you have to say now?”
“I never said that I still loved Arya.”
You paused for a moment before saying, “Well…you don’t really need to. I’d be really surprised if you didn’t.” Tossing a pillow towards the middle of the bed, you kept your back to him.
“I don’t love her.”
Face scrunched up in confusion, you took a glance over your shoulder.
“Bull crap.”
His eyebrows pulled together. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m calling you out for lying.” You explained and crossed your arms under your chest.
“I’m not lying.” A smile slowly spread across the Rider’s face.
You rose your eyebrows, challenging him.
“Sure. And what changed your strong feelings for Arya? Cold soup?”
“You.”
“What?” The word hardly reached your own ears.
Eragon walked up to you, albeit cautiously, with a full smile on his lips. His brown eyes were lit with a happiness you were not comprehending.
“What are you talking about?” You whispered. “Why are you smiling like that?”
A chuckle rang out into the room as he stopped to stand in front of you. “How am I suppose to keep a stoic face after you confessed that you love me?” His smile only stayed on his lips when he did not receive any verbal response from you, locked into his happy moment. “I know you would never lie about your feelings. Not something as strong as love.”
You watched on, cautious.
What is he trying to say, that he likes the idea of me loving him? Uh. Is this normal? You thought.
“Perhaps I should have stated my feelings for you much earlier. Clearly you have been worn down with your heart and for that I apologize.”
“Feelings?”
“Yes,” he wet his lips briefly and straightened his posture. “I do care for you deeply, (Y/N). My feelings were already growing before I even recognized them.” His smile turned sheepish, but he persisted onwards. “I didn’t think I could have those feelings for anyone else, but….it’s different somehow. I’m not sure how to explain it. I feel better when I’m around you. We’re honest with each other and you’ve taught me so much already. I’ll make this as much like home as I can for you. I really want you in my life.”
It took a moment before you breathed in a small breath.
You knew that you were probably looking at him as if he had lost his ever-loving mind. Who could blame you at that point? You were in a completely different world. And one you knew of, mind you. It was bound time for a round of unpredictability.
Eyes the color of enriched soil underneath the blooming flowers in light of a summer sky watched you with surging hope.
Were you hallucinating? Lucid dreaming? No, you couldn’t be. There were far too many moments that would have had a timeskip or objects from back home. The only way you would have this much time with Eragon would be if it was real.
He’s serious? He’s serious.
Your chest tightened and somewhere inside all of your tension released. In its place there was a warmth that brought tears to your eyes.
Frustration rapidly melting away, you carefully turned to sit on the edge of the bed to compose yourself.
“Are you alright?” Eragon asked, kneeling down to look upon your face.
“I’m…,” you swallowed. “I’m still processing what you said.”
“Processing?”
“Just…uh… Can you give me a second?” You waved a gentle hand in his direction.
“Take as much time as you need,” Eragon said as he delicately took your hand in his own.
You internally groaned at how sweet he was even after you verbally rampaged him about leaving you alone.
Seeing as you did not retract your hand, the Rider held your hand against his chest. The position allowed you the rare opportunity to feel his heartbeat. A rapid beating of his heart as he awaited any sort of verbal response from you. Anything that would tell him if he should indeed pursue the strong feelings he had.
You snuck a peek at his face; clear of any imperfections of the sun and brown eyes lit up in hope.
“You’ve been interested in me this whole time?” You asked. “And I didn’t know it?”
After reviewing your choice in words, Eragon nodded.
“What the actually hell?” You laughed. “You develop feelings quick, sir.”
A lopsided smile appeared on his face. Your light teasing of his actions always did surprise him in the most satisfying ways.
“You’re not upset with me?” He asked. “About earlier.”
“A little.”
His smile dropped a fraction.
“But I’ll find it in myself to forgive you.” You smirked.
“Then I should be grateful.” Eragon held his head high. “I would rather face your affections than your wrath.”
“Alright,” you rolled your eyes. “That was smooth, but cutting it close.” You tugged on his hands. “Get over here.”
Before Eragon could stand, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders in a tight embrace.
“You’re a bit of an odd one, you know that?”
Eragon nudged his head against your own. “I will gladly be odd if it means I can be with you.”
~~~
(If you love my writings and want to support me, I have a Ko-Fi where you can buy me a coffee. I would be eternally grateful.
Best wishes and happy reading.)
~~~~~
DreamerDragon Tags: @cubedtriangle
Inheritance Cycle Tags: @shewhobreathesfire @emburbaguette
**Let me know if you would like to be tagged in insert readers, either through replies, ask, or message.**
#Eragon reaction#Eragon x Reader#Eragon x Modern! Reader#Modern!Reader#Erica answers#where dreamers go#inheritance cycle#I finally finished it! I did it!#Eragon being a little sassy#Eragon fluff
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misi's beyblade AUs masterpost
i like making AUs, i have many of them, here's a post of them from oldest to newest. (at least approximately) (the ones that got no art of them have photos from unsplash. i just enjoy setting the mood)
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Magical boy AU
takao is an ordinary middle schooler who one day gets dragoon the magical spinning top from a cute little azure dragon, seiryuu, and transforms into a magical boy to protect the world from evil for some cosmic reasons that i haven't come up with yet. the rest of the characters have similar powers from their holy beasts and takao needs to gather up his team to fight the evil and. you get the drill
is there art of it? yes 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7
is there a fic of it? no
note: i originally created this just because i like designing the outfits so i haven't planned the story much (this used to be my main focus but then 4kingdoms happened GJSDHGHSDG) i'd want to though, i'll get back to it eventually...at some point...... one of the charm points of this AU is that the holy beasts are these digimon-like animals that hang out with the characters and each have their own personalities.
Fairy tale monster AU
takao and gramps live in a cabin in the middle of a forest full of monsters and takao decides one day to venture out to look for a silver-haired boy he once saw, he meets up with the other BBA characters one by one in the grim woods.
is there art of it? no
is there a fic of it? yes
note: my oldest halloween fic. the characters are all these different cute spooky creatures and it's intended to sound like a fairy tale.
One day, he determined that the time was ripe: Takao decided to leave for an adventure. For his grandfather was old, it was not at all unusual for him to lay down to bed before sundown. Once the hut had fallen in drowsy silence, Takao packed his one and only bag with what little he felt he needed, took his cap and jacket, and stepped over the doorsill. He had left the safe warmth of the hut behind.
Royal fantasyverse AU (the tale of four kingdoms)
takes place in a fantasy universe with four kingdoms (east, west, south & north) created by the four holy beasts, in an era where each kingdom happens to be ruled by an exceptionally young king due to their respective circumstances. when the four meet for the first time, a snowball of events is set in motion that's going to affect all four kingdoms.
is there art of it? yes 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7
is there a fic of it? yes 1 / 2
note: like a period drama with magic and gay and tons of worldbuilding. probably has way too many mysteries for the boys to solve because i have no self control when it comes to creating twists. this is The one AU that i have crammed every usable canon character into, i need enough people to inhabit four fucking countries
After creating the four lands, the holy beasts created people to inhabit them. Because the beasts were celestial beings and couldn't but guard people and the world they lived in from far above, they needed human vessels to lead the four nations. Thus they created four kings who would rule over other people using the four beast’s powers. The four kings were neither human nor gods, but something between – they were messengers, or icons, of the four holy beasts.
Omegaverse AU
a canon divergence AU (i guess??) where genders are replaced by A/B/O and everyone being either canine or feline. max is a late bloomer canine and finds out he's the only alpha of the BBA boys thanks to a certain feline omega.
is there art of it? not really but i do have dog boy max and cat boy rei art (which are a bit too cute for this kinkfest. i mean they're obviously aged up for the real thing.) 1 / 2
is there a fic of it? it's been in the works for like, five years but i always shy away from finishing it
note: it's omegaverse, it's exactly what you'd expect. the smut is so filthy i've been too embarrassed to even post it. hiromi is also an alpha by the way
Coffee shop AU
highschooler rei goes on a venture to hit on a local Hot University Teacher and coffee shop owner judy in a cafe owned by her, ends up receiving a bunch of flirty cups of latte from barista max working there.
is there art of it? no
is there a fic of it? yes
note: i mean, rei being into blonde MILFs is pretty much canon
Now that Rei looked at the boy more carefully, he realised his hair was just as fair and eyes just as blue as he knew Judy Mizuhara's to be. Maybe they were related? It wasn't that strange if Judy had hired a relative's kid to help out at the shop, right? He certainly looked American, but he had spoken Japanese.
And then, all of a sudden, the boy turned to look back to him. Startled, Rei blinked his own golden brown eyes and shifted them back to his now empty cup. God, it was rude to stare at someone, wasn't it? He'd been too deep in thought to even notice doing it. Not that the boy had looked judgmental – he only seemed to wear a smile.
Soulmate AU
max keeps having dreams with peculiar scenarios about a boy named rei. one day he borrows a book on soulmates from hiromi and finds a chapter talking about meeting your soulmate in the realm of dreams.
is there art of it? no
is there a fic of it? yes
note: i don't even care for soulmate AUs, this was my own dare to myself to find a single soulmate trope that interested in me enough to write a thing of it.
Max was walking through a crowded airport, carrying a heavy backpack with him. He had never been to this airport in his life, but somehow he knew exactly where he was, and where he was supposed to go. And he was in a hurry, and Rei had at some point emerged from the crowd, as usual, keeping up with him without bumping into any of the people that should have blocked his way.
“I'm sorry, this is probably my fault,” Rei said. “I haven't even travelled in ages anymore, but these dreams just keep coming back to haunt me.”
Chess player AU
rei is a young chinese chess champion participating in the world junior championships, ends up falling for the american chess prodigy max somehow in the process and is determined to get to play against him again.
is there art of it? no
is there a fic of it? yes
note: so this is one of the weirder ones i've done. it was inspired simply by me having a very vivid mental image of a scene of them playing dramatic chess together. this is probably my most underrated AU even by myself, i think the writing is pretty solid for such a short story of a topic i know practically nothing about
As a child, Rei had initially been taught to play xiàngqí, a Chinese game much more popular back in his home country; but chess with its refined, uniquely shaped pieces was love at first sight for the young Rei. He was a fast thinker and had amazing concentration skills once he set his mind on something, and he also had an outstanding memory, making it easy to memorise game patterns he once saw and then use them for his advantage. This all granted him natural talent in chess. But despite his skill, he had a bad habit of easily losing his temper and becoming indecisive once his focus wavered. Also, he was just a tad bit too sentimental. These traits often became his worst enemy in important matches, much worse than the actual opposing player.
Keep your cool. Focus. Play well.
Flower shop + fake dating AU
yuriy doesn't really know anything about flowers but is working part-time in a flower shop for the easy cash. he keeps getting a pair of weird customers who ask about flower language for hypothetical situations.
is there art of it? not by myself and i don’t have a link to the fanart made of it unfortunately
is there a fic of it? yes
note: did i write this for valentine's day? i feel like i maybe did. this is my only AU (and fic in general) so far that's about a non-BBA character as the main lmao
“So, I need some advice for a particular situation,” the customer then began, idly tapping the counter with his hand. “I mean, not a real situation, of course – hypothetically speaking, if someone was just pretending to be going out with another person, but they weren't really going but it just needed to seem that way to everyone else, what kinda flowers would get the message through?”
Possibly an idiot, Yuriy concluded his analysis.
“So you need suitable flowers for a date,” he stated, shooting his eyes at his notes about common flower-usage.
Classical music AU (the heart that i love)
max is a piano prodigy attending a classical music college that holds annual music competitions for the students. he's got some haters for being the son of a world-known pianist who's one of the teachers, but he also ends up having a budding romance with rei the mysterious chinese violinist.
is there art of it? yes 1 / 2
is there a fic of it? yes
note: the origin of this was my "max and mao are besties" college AU. then it got mixed in with my thirst for classical instruments and max being bullied.
Max isn’t exactly a synesthet, but he has always been able to see music as pictures – as entire sceneries, as great adventures. This tendency of his emerges especially strong whenever he’s learning to play a new piece on the piano; as he moves along the melody, the scenery is also being built around him like a jigsaw puzzle, creating a complete picture piece by piece; and once he has mastered the song, he’s able to freely traverse and immerse himself in the world inside that puzzle. Some pieces have a more relaxed or soothing scenery than others, some are exciting and thrilling – even deliciously sinister in the way that a good horror film can be. Setting himself down in front of a piano is always an invitation to a world of his choice.
Bakeneko AU
after moving to a small rural town in japan, max hits his head and starts seeing things, such as a weird white cat following him around. after a while, he's convinced that he's being haunted.
is there art of it? yes
is there a fic of it? yes
note: another halloween AU, a more surreal one where max is human and rei is. well. not
Max kept walking, his eyes still on the narrow road. He hadn't noticed while deep in thought, but it really was quiet that evening. The sun had nearly set by now, leaving the sky striped with the dusk of the approaching nightfall. There was no wind to rustle the treetops, no birds chirping, nothing. Only the sound of Max's own footsteps on the pavement, and the matching sound that followed.
Followed. What if someone actually was following him?
A sudden, violent chill struck down Max's spine, causing his hair to stand on end.
He stopped.
After a short delay, the steps also stopped.
Genderbend AU
a canon divergence AU where everyone's a different gender from canon (duh). starts off as an alternate version of the g-revolution world championships where the girls meet for the first time and befriend each other. rei is a professional model in addition to being a blader in the baihus, and max from the PPB is delighted to be able to battle her. she has no idea that rei has fallen for her at first sight, though.
is there art of it? yes 1 / 2 / 3 / 4
is there a fic of it? it's... in the works.
note: i created this because i wanted to design attractive girls, what about it. absolutely partial to maxine's huge badonkadonks.
It wasn’t like Rei hadn’t already taken notice of her before, given that they were participating in the same world championship tournament, but the real turning point was the first time they stood on the opposing sides of a bey stadium. It was the day when the match-up roster signalled the match between the Chinese team and the American team, the Baihus versus the PPB All Starz; and despite both teams consisting of five players, it came down to, to Rei’s immense joy, the tag team of Rai and herself against the two most interesting US players, Rikki Anderson and Mizuhara Maxine.
Vampire & merboy AU
rei is a starved vampire just about to end his own life when he meets merboy max at a forest lake.
is there art of it? of max yes
is there a fic of it? yes
note: yet another halloween monster AU, this time they are both monsters though. this one’s a pretty grim one i have to admit
Rei succumbed into deep thought, considering his few options, when something grabbed his unsuspecting hand. Something yanked him forward in one mad splash and forced not only the rest of his arm but also his shoulders and head underwater. Half a second later Rei, so badly startled that he’d come close to slipping into insanity, found himself staring at a pair of bright blue eyes only inches away from his own face.
His other hand and lower body still firmly on land, Rei pulled himself back with strength that he didn’t even know his weak body still contained. As he did, he also pulled up whatever was clutching his hand, which turned out to be another hand – a white hand with elongated, dirty fingers, so sharp at the tips that they looked like daggers.
Mafia AU
max is the boss of the BBA mafia family, rei is a hitman and max's right hand man, the rest have various roles in the organisation. salima, mariam and some other girls (at least) are reporters doing investigative journalism on organised crime who get interested in covering the story of a group of russian elite detectives doing a thorough investigation of the BBA.
is there art of it? of rei and max yes 1 / 2 / 3
is there a fic of it? it's in the works but it's just a gratuitous reimax smut
note: this is a story i wish existed but this kind of police investigation action thing is so not my genre of expertise. that's why i'm just doing a PWP of my boys and the rest exists on conceptual level
“Did you know,” Salima said, perfectly peppy about it, “that there are secret underground auctions for stolen artwork that’s sold in the black market? Not just online auctions in the dark web but actual, physical events held somewhere in the city! Isn’t that so intriguing? Can you imagine how an event like that would look like, Max?”
Max can – in fact, he doesn’t need to imagine. But he’d rather not think about it; the memories bring the familiar taste of bile in his mouth and make his gut curdle with a mixture of disgust and very particular guilt. The mere thought of it makes him set his coffee aside and bring a hand between his tightly shut eyes.
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the next thing i come up with? who knows............
#bey things#i am only moderately insane#so i'm a person who never reads her own writing#but for this post i did. i read my old oneshots#and i wasn't disgusted by them!! actually i was rather impressed with them!!!#i didn't know such a feeling existed. to read your old writing#and be like how nice! writing of my OTP just the way i want it!#genuinely i was charmed by the soulmate AU because i'd forgotten most of it#bc i was so embarrassed about it for some reason? but it was a very nice story
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The Megxit Drama pt. 2
Since I already went through Meghan Markle’s chart in light of the Megxit Drama, I’m going to get into Prince Harry’s as well, considering that they’re both very much part of this demonstrative break with tradition and authority. However, for Harry, it’s not only a break with a work environment and in laws, it’s a break with his family, his up-bringing and his roots in an attempt to rid himself from outdated and harmful beliefs and thought-systems imbedded in fabric of the institution.
As stated in my previous post, Harry and Meghan has been far from applauded in their break with the Royal Family, especially after the Oprah interview in March where they made public accusations of being treated unfairly in various ways. Meghan felt attacked by the media, left out in the cold and denied protection, deprived of support when she felt suicidal and even encountering racism. Aside from Harry’s motivation to help his wife, he admittedly also felt like Meghan’s situation gave him the opportunity to cut ties for good with a way of life that apparently had affected him more negatively and positively throughout his childhood and into his adulthood.
It’s certainly bold for Prince Harry to make complaints seeing as the public tends to not appreciate when wealthy and privileged people come out whining and wimping about their “difficult life”. However, the world is not as straight forward as rich equals happy and poor equals sad. Starvation and difficulty can be encountered on many levels of existence and just because one is born a prince doesn’t mean that one is incapable of experiencing legitimate lack. Life doesn’t spare any of us, which is why there should be compassion for all people – there’s no group or individual that is exclusively entitled to have their suffering be acknowledged. In a sense, Harry being able to look at his own struggles and prioritize his own and his wife’s well-being is a good thing. The message and spirit behind their action is good, at least if they’re honest and genuine (which people still doubt). Regardless, when the status quo is disrupted, there will be friction and unpleasantries.
(Chart of Prince Harry on astrotheme.com)
Although Harry’s chart reflects a predominantly earthy influence, which is speaking to the need for structure, permanence and routine, his planets in Sagittarius and Scorpio, gives him a free spirit and emotional endurance. Ever since Harry was little he was notably more impulsive and risk-taking than his brother William. Harry’s Mars (which marks his physical energy and drive) is suitably placed in the restless fire sign of Sagittarius, conjunct Uranus, which gives him a non-conformist and individualistic streak – especially in the context of friends and groups. Apparently, he was a wild teenager, drinking a lot, letting lose in “inappropriate ways”, being aggressively competitive on the polo court and so on. He seems to be quite the mellow type at first glance, his Capricorn Ascendant gives him an outward persona of seriousness and his Scorpio MC gives him a public image of being a bit “in the background” not wanting to attract too much attention or reveal too much. As I mentioned in the previous post, Harry acted passive in the interview, coming off as a troubled man not knowing what he’d gotten himself into – which is quite characteristic of the Scorpio MC and Saturn conjunct. Astrology is a very useful tool when analyzing a person, because sometimes, the public image is only a tiny speck of what really goes on. Harry’s chart shows that he comes off as more cold and guarded than he actually is, and quite understandably so considering growing up with the media on constant watch for slip-ups. Opposite the MC, in the 4th house he has his Taurus Moon, pointing out that his sensitivity and vulnerability only comes out in private with his own family in his own home. It’s a deeply loyal placement that is resistant to change and it might not have been that easy to uproot for him, if he hadn’t had his own family with Meghan to provide some safety and emotional containment.
It has become evident that Harry seems to be a troubled soul that is haunted by past traumas and experiences. His Sun (which marks his individuality, his will and sense of significance) is in the 8thhouse, suggesting that his identity is based on other people’s values. There would be a feeling of having one’s identity and significance being in the hands of other people – of having one’s individuality being owned and controlled. When being part of the Royal Family, one is subjected to rules and values imposed from the outside. Significance is granted based on the opinions and approval of others – it’s given if one succeeds in appealing to their psychology. The 8th house is the house of death, regeneration and traumatic events. The Sun usually signifies the father image and it’s obvious that Harry is very disappointed of his father. He pities him for being trapped, undoubtedly resents him for being a “bad” husband to his late mother and not caring enough to make a change to alleviate his children’s suffering (typical 8th house themes). Even though his father was present during his childhood and inevitably involved, at least physically, he probably wasn’t able to be there as an effective role model and supporter of Harry in the way he needed emotionally. The Sun in Virgo squares Mars and Neptune in Sagittarius, which describes Charles’s disapproval of his son’s recklessness and marked individualism.
Harry’s Sun in the 8th house also points to someone who derives a sense of self from his troubles and tribulations in life. Since the big break with his family he has gained a sense confidence and has undertaken a kind of hero-journey through opening up about his mental health struggles and destructive coping mechanisms used in the past to numb out his emotions directly or indirectly related to his mother’s death. Sun square Mars and Neptune describes someone who struggles to act on his own will as well as finding and pursuing his own ideals and dreams. He is probably struggling and has been struggling with undermined sense of importance his whole life, perhaps naturally given the circumstances of always being the unruly sidekick to his older brother growing up. His 3rd house of siblings is ruled by Aries, which points to competitiveness and head butting, not to mention a strong need to be the best. I’m sure this competitiveness isn’t and wasn’t all bad – it likely kept them alert and motivated to improve their skills and abilities. Another sibling signifier is Mercury, sitting in the 8th house. Harry has admitted that he views his brother to be as stuck as his father, that he is trapped within the system upheld by other people’s values. Charles and William presumably don’t like being reduced to “victims” by their family member in a public statement. It must feel like being stabbed in the back by someone who’s supposed to show loyalty, to only for the sake of the monarchy but for the sake of personal feelings involved. Harry stated in the Oprah interview that he has great respect for all members of his family, but it was done in a business type manner, like an employee respects his employer “in theory”. The true feelings of Harry are obviously more complicated and seep through the carefully portrayed civilized sentiments. His public image being that of Scorpio, it certainly appears to the public like he’s take pains in order to get revenge through strategic moves involving relating secrets to the public of the power dynamics going on behind closed doors. Saturn in Scorpio conjunct the MC is especially prone to build a career by getting to the bottom of shady events. He’s now putting an emphasis in his work on mental health, raising awareness and exploring his own psyche as a way of enlightening the world, which is his Saturn in Scorpio in the 9thacting out. He has collaborated with Oprah on the on the documentary “The Me You Can’t See”, in which several well-known celebrities open up about their own mental and emotional difficulties. As a 9th house Saturn and Pluto in Scorpio person that Harry is, it’s not surprising that he wants to share these things. The 9th house is about sharing and distributing knowledge and Scorpio is about that which is hidden and taboo. Pluto sits in this house as well, putting an even stronger emphasis on highlighting uncomfortable issues hidden underneath the surface.
#megxit#prince harry#meghan markle#prince harry natal chart#natal chart analysis#virgo sun#capricorn rising#taurus moon#sagittarius mars#scorpio mc#scorpio midheaven#astrology#astrology chart#natal chart#short natal chart analysis#9th house#8th house#sun in 8th house#moon in 4th house#saturn in scorpio#pluto in scorpio#public image#persona#the royal family
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Oh my heart part two
Summary: Lin never expected to have a soulmate, in a world where your mark appears whenever your soulmate is born she grew up completely blank. So when she’s thirty and it finally etches itself around her arm, she vows to never be with the one meant only for her.
A/N: one more part after this! Originally I just wanted it to be a two parter but it feels better this way.
Word count: 3k
Korra was becoming overbearing with her concern for you. Once you come back to air temple island she was there waiting to rant about a theory she had regarding Asami’s father. Usually, you’d reply and give good advice, unlike Pema’s, and would remind her not to get too worked up. But instead, as she opened her mouth to begin her rant, you broke out into tears. You wouldn’t tell her why, you were too embarrassed about the rejection of your soulmate to confess, even though it would help put Korra at ease to at least be in the know. She’d probably hunt Lin down and start some kind of fight with her regarding what happened.
“Korra,” you say one night when you both are lying in your separate beds in your shared room. “Have you met your soulmate?”
“I don’t know, I’ve kept it covered” she replies softly, she props herself up on her elbow, her eyes narrowing in the darkness, which you don’t notice. “Even with all these new people we’ve met?” your voice is soft, almost a bit hesitant of your inquiry.
“I like Mako, but I’ve seen his mark and it’s not what I said to him, I don’t want to confuse myself by looking” she sits up fully, “Is that why you're so sad, did you meet yours?”
“They didn’t want me..." You roll over so your back is facing your sister. Korra tries to pry it out of you, her voice laced with quiet rage but you simply squeeze your eyes shut and tune her out.
The next morning, Korra doesn't leave your side, she tries multiple times to get the truth out of you, but you always tell her to drop it and walk away. Later on, she reluctantly leaves to do some avatar stuff and asks Pema to keep you company. Pema was nice and in moments like these when you wished your mom was around to comfort you she was the second-best thing. Both of you are sitting at a table, teacups in your hands as the laughter of the kids can be heard from out the window.
"Korra told me what happened" Pema finally breaks the silence, it knocks you out of your thoughts and you harshly set the cup down onto the table, some of the contents of the cup sloshing out from the sides. "That was between us" you spit out.
"Tenzin tells me a lot of things and he's a man so I don't think he's pieced any of it together but… " Pema purses her lips and sets her teacup down onto the table, gently. "It's Lin, isn't it?" Sadness trickles down your throat and wraps itself around your insides, suddenly the door you'd hastily locked to keep yourself from crying in front of anyone busted open, and with it a tidal wave of tears. Pema pushes herself up off the floor and sits down next to you, albeit it takes her a few minutes to get there in her pregnant state. She wraps her arms around you and pulls you in tightly. You let your head fall onto her shoulder as you weep, your shoulders shake as the feeling of loneliness rocks you to your core.
“She doesn’t want me,” your voice is muffled but Pema hears you perfectly, she shushes you, running her hand soothingly through your hair. For what feels like hours all that can be heard is the sound of your strangled breaths and Pema’s humming. She slowly pulls away from you, panic rises in you and you try to stay within her arms but she places her hands on your shoulders to keep you from doing so.
Her hands reach up to your face, wiping away the tears that continue to seep out of your eyes. “I think part of Lin’s hesitation has to do with me,” she begins, your brows furrowed in confusion but before you can ask any questions, she continues “A long time ago Lin and Tenzin were together, he hadn’t met me yet but I knew he was it, even without having spoken to him. So when I saw him pulling away from her, I finally made my move and admitted I was his soulmate, the woman who could make him happy.”
Lin and Tenzin?... jealousy bubbles up in your throat which you try to push down, that was forever ago but maybe, she still loved him. Maybe that was part of the reason she rejected you. Pema pulled you out of your thoughts, brushing some of your hair out of your face in a motherly way. “I think because of that, she doesn’t think anyone else can love her.”
“But I’m her soulmate” you respond, sure you didn’t love her yet but you knew you felt something, ever since your discovery at the arena you’ve dreamt of being wrapped up in her arms once more, to be so close to her you can see every detail in her gorgeous green eyes. These dreams that fill you with pain and longing when you wake up, feel so unattainable now due to her swift rejection.
“Lin is a very confusing person, I think you need to try again and show her you won’t take no for an answer.” Pema’s words swirl around your mind as you try to think up a plan, her advice she gave to Korra a few weeks ago may have been bad but this seemed like it might work. If not then at least you wouldn’t stay awake at night wondering what if.
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Before you can even formulate a plan on winning Lin over, Korra drags you off to help her with something important. She’s talking a mile a minute while Naga weaves past mobiles and dodges anyone who enters her path. The sun is high in the sky, marking that it's roughly midday and families are walking down the sidewalk together, couples are hand in hand, laughing about something the other has said. A part of you wonders what it might be like if Lin does decide to give the two of you a shot. She doesn’t seem like the kind of person to show affection in public, but what about behind closed doors?
Due to how fast Korra is talking along with you getting lost with the idea of Lin, you don’t pick up a single word she’s been saying, so when the polar dog finally stops in front of a warehouse that is in the middle of getting raided, you're a little confused, to say the least. You both climb down and walk towards the entrance where Tenzin and Lin are talking, that childish feeling of jealousy hits you at the sight of them talking and you mentally scold yourself for it. Tenzin is happily married to his soulmate, you remind yourself.
“Found anything?” Korra calls out, catching the attention of the two master benders. Lin’s eyes land on you and for a split second a look of sadness and pain crosses through her features but she quickly smothers it down with her usual scowl. It seems only you notice that momentary slip up as Tenzin begins telling you and Korra, even though honestly you aren’t listening, about whatever has gone on since she’s been gone.
Apparently, Korra believed Asami’s father to be an equalist which seemed a bit far fetched, he did sponsor her pro-bending team, right? But you trust your little sister and so when they find his factory to be empty, you place a gentle hand on her shoulder to offer her some form of comfort.
“It would appear Hiroshi is innocent” Lin finally speaks up with her arms crossed, since that first glance when you arrived, her eyes have been set on Korra. It stings to know she’s ignoring you but right now is about helping your sister and getting to the bottom of this. Asami waltzes up to the four of you with Mako by her side. “Okay, you did your search. Now you can all leave.” Korra ignores Asami and walks off to talk to Mako, leaving you alone.
“I can’t believe your in on this” Asami says to you, for the most part, you’ve stayed out of Korra’s drama, only lending her advice in private and helping her out when it came to equalists or Tarlock. You let out a sigh and look away from her gaze “she’s my sister Asami and she wouldn’t do something like this without reason.”
“Well he’s my father and he’s innocent, your sister is dragging him through the mud over a misinterpreted conversation” she fires back. Asami glares at you, taking a step closer to you to most likely try to get you all to back down. Before you can even think up a retort Lin, surprisingly, speaks up. “Ms. Sato, during these hard times we can’t leave any stone unturned, the warehouse is empty so you don’t need to worry about us anymore.”
Asami walks off with Mako’s arm slung around her shoulder and Korra all but storms back over with a defeated look on her face, you side glance Lin, who isn’t even paying you any attention anymore. She was probably just trying to keep a fight from breaking out, you tell yourself, she doesn’t care about you. But then Pema’s advice rings through your head, louder than the self-deprecating thoughts and you try to remind yourself that maybe Lin does care about you, hopefully.
After talking to the mystery man at midnight who ends up giving valuable information involving Hiroshi, a plan is set in place. You're all in a police force blimp, if not for the situation at hand you’d be marveling at the machinery with unbridled joy. You’ve never been on something like this before, sure the South Pole isn’t behind on the times but they don’t have any form of aircraft. “Raiding the Sato mansion is risky with Tarlock breathing down your neck. If we’re wrong-”
“I know. I can kiss my job goodbye. But protecting republic city is all I care about. We can’t let Amon get his hands on this new weapon” Lin says, effectively cutting Tenzin off. You stand a few paces behind them, fiddling with your hands as you eavesdrop on them. You want to get to know her, and Lin’s words offer you a piece of information regarding her personality and life without even meaning to. She’s a good person, she might have hurt you but she’s good and that warms your aching heart just a bit.
There are so many horror stories of people's soulmates being monsters, of being chained to someone who doesn’t treat them right that at least the universe decided to spare you on that front. You shake yourself of your thoughts, now is not the time to lose yourself over Lin, and soon enough you land in front of the Sato mansion, once inside Asami puts up quite a fight over her father's innocence which you don’t blame her for. If the roles were reversed you’d probably have already gotten physical with whoever tried to hurt your dad.
The workshop behind the house is small and empty, the policemen try to find any sort of nefarious plans hidden in drawers or boxes but once again come up empty-handed, the confusing part though is how Hiroshi is also nowhere to be found. There isn’t a connecting room where he may be and there aren't any windows he may have left from. “Chief, the estate has been secured, no one has left since we’ve arrived,” an officer tells Lin.
“Perhaps we just couldn’t see him leaving” she replies as she walks over to the center of the room, you step to the side as Korra had sort of stepped in front of you protectively when you entered the workshop, to see what she’s doing. What she does next you’ve heard of but never seen, many talk about the way Toph Beifong revolutionized earth bending, not only by learning to bend metal but also with her aseismic senses. She bends the metal off her foot and slams it down onto the ground. Lin closes her eyes and for a few seconds remains completely still.
“There’s a tunnel beneath the workshop running deep into the mountainside.” Your eyes widen at the discovery, maybe sometime in the future, if you and Lin do work it out you can gush about how much you admire her bending abilities, how truly powerful she is. Asami interrupts your daydream with her denial of such a thing, you do admire her loyalty to her father and his innocence and you honestly don’t want to see her reaction if he is an equalist.
Lin effortlessly bends a piece of metal from the floor and slams it into the wall, showcasing a staircase that leads down, just like she said. You grab onto Korra’s hand knowing she probably wants to race down immediately to find out what lurks below. “Maybe you don’t know everything about your father,” Korra says in an apologetic tone, looking over at Asami, “I’m sorry.”
Lin orders the officers to go down first and as you make your way to the stairs, Lin stops you. “Uh-uh, you four stay up here, officer so-” you scoff, going to push past her but she clamps a hand down onto your shoulder. “That includes you too.”
“I am not letting my little sister go down there without me, I can handle myself” You shrug Lins handoff and push past her to make your way down the stairs, her voice stops you as you take your first step down. “I’m the chief of police and I am order-” you look over your shoulder at Lin who looks completely composed, it irks you that right now she’s trying to control you, acting like she has some sort of say over your actions.
“Yeah and I don’t care, family trumps law enforcement” you reply, effectively ending the conversation.
“Wait, does that mean we can go down to?” you hear Boin ask from up above, Lin barks out a no as she follows after you, most likely scowling no doubt. On the tram that speeds downward, Lin approaches you with her hands held behind her back, she’s still scowling from earlier, but her expression softens just a fraction when you look into her eyes.
“Stay in the back and out of trouble” she orders, Korra and Tenzin are on the other side of the tram, out of earshot. You push off the railing and take a step closer until your chests are touching, maintaining eye contact with her. Lin’s breath catches, which pleases you and offers you a bit of hope.
“If Korra needs me I’ll do what I must to protect her, even if that means being in the frontlines,” you say defiantly. Lin sighs, her scowl diminishing. “You shouldn’t care anyway, remember? This, us, isn’t a thing… unless you’ve changed your min-”
“I haven’t, I want you out of the way because you’ll be a nuisance to the mission if you end up hurt or in need of help,” she says, taking a small step away from you before stalking off. Your shoulders sag, oh. Pema’s encouraging words seem so quiet right now, you could really use another pep talk from her right about now. For a second it seemed like maybe she’d caved, maybe she’d finally admit at this moment on the tram that she had feelings for you and wanted to give it a shot after this raid. Your hands clench as you try to squash down any oncoming tears and sigh.
The tram lurches to a stop and you stumble forward a bit before catching yourself. You can’t let Lin be right, can’t give her the satisfaction so you square your shoulders and march out after them. An audible gasp leaves you at the sight ahead. Korra was right, all day it seemed like a wild goose chase but in front of you is a large warehouse that has banners hanging from the ceilings with Amons face on them, fear crawls through you at the memory of being electrocuted at the arena, of the explosion and Korra almost dying too many times to count.
The center of the warehouse is empty, but what lines the walls are towering, mechanical… statues? You squint in confusion at the contraptions “and I’m guessing those are the new weapons” Korra states. You take a step forward from the group but Lin grabs your forearm and pulls you away from the statues and has you stand behind her. A part of you wants to yell at her, claim you aren’t a nuisance or useless, but now doesn’t seem like the time.
“Hiroshi was lying alright, but where is he?” Tenzin asks, and as if answering his question a large metal wall shoots up from beside you, Lin pulls you away from it and if not for her you probably would have gotten killed as it slams into the roof, locking you guys inside. You look up at her and she immediately drops your arm, tearing her gaze away from you and composing herself once more. Lin steps forward and tries to metal bend the wall back down, but nothing happens, not even a slight tremor, green lights flash on within the statues as they come to life, Hiroshi’s voice suddenly surrounds them, he must be talking into a microphone.
“I’m afraid you won’t be able to metal bend that wall, Chief Beifong. It’s solid platinum.” The statues make a loud whirring sound as they start to move away from their respective spots and glide towards the group, effectively cornering them. “My mecha tanks are platinum as well. Not even your renowned mother could bend a metal so pure.”
“Hiroshi, I knew you were a lying no good equalist. Come out here and-”
“And do what, young avatar? Face the wrath of your bending? No. I think I’ll fight from inside here, where my odds are a little more… equal” he cuts Korra off. Your eyes widen, not hearing what Lin says as he shoots a metal hook out of his tank's hand, you all jump away from it but the other tanks keep moving in on you.
You look around for any kind of water source, for a moment it seems like a fruitless attempt until you feel it, you whirl around and notice the metal pipe against the wall. You run-up to an officer and shout “I need you to break that pipe for me!” He stares in confusion for a minute before following your pointed finger and realizing your intentions. He rips the pipes open and water comes flooding in, you hope there's some kind of drain around here or you might have just doomed you all.
There’s no time to worry though and you bend sharp daggers made out of water and aim them at the tank closest to you, it whirls its face around to stare at its attacker and starts to advance on you, but you bend water around its feet and legs, then freeze it. While it’s immobile you send more frozen daggers at it, this time aiming for its chest and two finally penetrate the metal, causing sparks to fly out of its chest as it whirs, you bend water into the two holes, completely breaking it. Without a second to lose you move onto another that the officers are holding down with their wires and do the same to its chest. A loud crash is heard behind you and you whirl around to see that the tank Lin was on fell against a metal beam and onto the floor.
Your heart squeezes in fear until you see her standing on top of it, completely fine and a breath you didn’t realize you were holding in finally escapes with a strangled noise that probably would have embarrassed you in different circumstances. In your moment of distraction, the officers you helped had moved onto another tank, and you watch in horror as it electrocutes them by using their metal wires. The officers shout in pain as they spasm out of control before dropping to the ground.
That same tank advances on you quickly, you stumble back, slipping on the ice you had created for the first tank and fall onto it with a groan, your head slams down onto the ice and pain begins to spawn from that same spot but you can’t stop now, you can’t be a nuisance. Out of the corner of your eye, you see another one shoot its wire out at Lin and slam her against the wall. “Lin!” you shout, your eyes widening as she doesn’t move. Next Hiroshi’s tanks knock out Korra and soon after Tenzin, you're the only one awake and the tank chasing after you finally stop but doesn’t make a move to hurt you.
Hiroshi’s tank swirls around from its stance in front of Tenzin and charges at you, you bend water around the floor in front of you to create ice in hopes of stopping his advances, your starting to feel weak from the wound at the back of your head.
“I have plans for you,” Hiroshi says through his tanks microphone, it comes out a bit staticy due to the attacks but otherwise it moves like it’s still in perfect condition. You try to bend daggers at him but you can’t throw them far enough to hit him, they all fall at his tanks feet and a mocking laugh echoes through the warehouse. Something warm trickles down your neck, you hesitantly raise a hand to the back of your head and when you pull away your met with blood, it drips off your hand and onto the ice. You can’t beat them all, not alone and not in your state.
The ice begins to melt due to the heat of the room and Hiroshi shoots out a wire of his own, your heart gives out as you know what's about to happen, you close your eyes as you wait for the inevitable and are shortly encased in shocking pain, it's worse than last time, so much worse and you think you might have screamed, you're not entirely sure due to being disoriented from the millions of sharp pinpricks you feel in your bones. All to fast you once again succumb to the pain and your eyes give out.
#lin beifong#chief beifong#lin#beifong#toph#korra#asami#mako#bolin#pema#tenzin#lok#legend of korra#hiroshi#sato#lin beifong x reader#lin beifong/reader#lin/reader#lin x reader#fanfic
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Yeah I'm honestly a bit surprised by how passionate and vocal people are about hating twenty one pilots? It's kinda upsetting that when I try to interact with content about them I'm always a bit worried in the back of my mind because I'm a pretty sensitive person and it's hard not to let stuff get to me.
I don’t know why it’s always felt like twenty one pilots has gotten a ton of hate for no reason? I’ve been into them since 2013-2014 so pure unadulterated vessel era, I’m a very old fan of them and their music, like one of the oldest picture in my phone is this
(This picture isn’t important I just love it, plus something fun to look at with a not so fun subject material)
(Long history as a fan rant incoming lol)
I’ve been an emo kid for a really long time, back when all of the emo bands were big, when seeing another kid wearing a panic! shirt always meant you talked to them in the mall, I still remember when I would wear the one twenty one pilots shirt I could afford outside, that anyone who knew who they were would come up and start a conversation with me
And it’s like through the years the hate has changed to be... somehow worse
Back in the early days tøp used to get called not a true emo band because they didn’t have anyone playing the guitar so everyone hated them because they weren’t emo Enough
Plus there was the whole ‘emo trinity’ ‘emo quartet’ infighting nonsense but that’s so long past idk if anyone even remembers it lol
Then blurryface rolls around and fans are being made fun of for dressing funky and going through that one fandom phase where everyone was calling the boys smol beans it was great and cute, we were all really close, we called each other frens, told each other to stay street it was great! So what people made fun of us or whatever we were absolutely vibing
Twenty one pilots felt like the coolest secret gang of fans, we were absolutely huge, more so than most people would think, and man it was awesome!! If you saw a tøp fan you knew that you were cool with that person and that person would be cool with you!! It was amazing!! Sometimes I do miss this vibe!!
But then Stressed Out ended up on the radio...
I feel like it really all changed here, all of the sudden the old fandom things were cringy, the boys were sell outs, and every family member you knew was suddenly the biggest fan despite only knowing stressed out
I remember being upset around this time because of strangers invading my space, this was my group, filled with people who understood what the lyrics meant and knew and understood how much they meant to all of us, and suddenly it was filled with people who didn’t belong
I didn’t blame the pilot boys, obviously they can’t control what’s on the radio, I’m fact, there’s plenty of pilot songs that mention never being played on the radio because of one reason or another, so my problem was never with the boys, it was with the influx of new people, and by new people I don’t mean new fans, I mean news outlets and tv show host, and with that influx came the people who didn’t get it, you know? That were rude and outright nasty and refused to understand anything about the genre and effort put into the story and why it mattered to us
(Tw for suicide mention, and uncomfortable themes involving people making fun of themes involving it, tw for mentions of school shootings)
All of the sudden we were the fans of Tyler Joseph the man who ‘Glorifies Suicide’ and actively is supposedly encouraging that behavior
We were the cringy fans everyone knew in high school and hated who were described as being ‘JuSt So QuIrkY 🤪’, instead of the mentally ill kids we all were, by people who hated us
We were the fans of those ‘white boys who look like school shooters’ (this one honestly rocked me to my core, it still hurts to even see??? Like idk why but it almost makes me want to cry)
At the same time a lot of the old fans were turning their back on the pilots, they didn’t want to be involved anymore, they hated ALL of the new fans whether they were respectful or not
It was a REALLY hard time to be a new fan, very few people were open to having them involved in anything, I think this is when a lot of hatred happened in the fandom not only fan-fan fighting/hatred but also fan-band sentiments weren’t great either
The more songs that ended up on the radio the more the hatred grew, in fact this got so bad Tyler did this
youtube
Here’s a transcript in case it’s hard to hear
Like... this was the state of our fan group.... it was suddenly cool to hate all the songs that ended up on the radio so much it affected every part of our music journey
There was a lot of infighting, it was an awful time to be a fan, new or old
Then came silence era, in which every tøp blog I followed except like 2, became kpop blogs and I’m not sure any of them ever came back lol, I actually really disliked kpop because of this for a bit in like a jokey kind of way in my own head lol (ahh how the turn tables have turned... kpop and tøp are the only things I listen to now haha, actually because of all my tøp mutuals becoming kpop blogs I vowed to myself to not change this blog to another group so I have two music blogs now, which makes me laugh but also shows how important music is to me so it makes me happy anyways you know?)
It was kind of a sad way to have the fandom disappear, everything was strangled, the boys were gone, and no one kept up with the fandom, it felt really lonely
When Trench era clues started back people started coming back, the mood was different, we had something to do and it was fun to work on something with others, we had the Clancy letters, and all the clues, and the tower of silence and the vultures!! It was great! It started to feel like we had rebuilt something from the rubble of what we had been
The fandom started calling Tyler stinky and he called us b*stards it was great, sometimes people were a bit meaner than I think they thought they were being, but it worked you know?
When the album released we had more people come back and things slowly started fitting back ok again, more songs ended up on the radio and a lot of older fans said the same things they’re saying now, but it wasn’t that bad, it was mostly very positive
And then we got to the over the summer drama, which........... is a sensitive subject, but I legitimately do not understand how it was Tyler’s fault that people assumed he was talking about something when he wasn’t talking about it at all... especially when people have been begging him for years to talk more about mental health, he wanted to introduce whatever he was going to do with a joke, I personally never though he was talking about the big issue at the time of the incident, but it blew up like wildfire and the next thing you know he’s canceled because Other People Assumed Something
So now it’s ‘Morally Justifiable’ to hate Tyler because he’s r*cist or something, despite it never being his intention and because people assumed something
It’s literally not even with good reason that people are doing this, but because it blew up when it did and about what it did, no one knows what really happened and people just wanted a morally justified reason to hate them because you can’t just dislike something anymore without it being justifiable I guess? I feel like with all of the years I’ve spent on the internet everything has only become more hateful...
All this to say.... yes, it hurts when people hate the things that you do, I get really sensitive about it as well, especially with how long and how many arguments I’ve seen, and I am extremely sensitive to discourse and hatred, it’s why I don’t engage with much of it online, in fact I was about to delete the post complaining about everyone hating on them before I saw it was really resonating with you guys
I guess my best advice to you anon, would to try to understand where it’s coming from, that’s what’s helped me, I know a lot of people dislike the pilots because of the fact that they became ‘mainstream’ during blurryface era, and people are really upset by that, so understanding that, even when it hurts, I can acknowledge that they feel that way and that it’s ok that I feel differently
It’s easy to take that point and test it against your own morals, ‘do I think twenty one pilots became mainstream, or only makes songs to get on the radio?’ If your answer is no, then you can both say ‘I don’t agree with them but they’re allowed to have their own opinion’ and kind of give yourself a wall and barrier against what they say
I know this isn’t perfect advice, but it’s helped me a lot
I know there are two big arguments against this album, that it’s mainstream and made to have radio singles (the underlying argument here I guess being Tyler and Josh are money hungry and no longer care about the music)
And that it’s no longer lyrically meaningful, but I think this has to do a lot with how involved people are in the Dema lore, if you’re not a fan of lore I would imagine this album being propaganda and supposed to be fake and bright to prove a point would really bug you if you didn’t really get it
To best thing to do is digest an argument (only if you can handle it emotionally of course 🖤) and know it’s ok that think differently than other people, and that the chances of someone being mad at you are very slim
A lot of things I’ve enjoyed have been stolen by the fear of getting hated on for something - while in actuality, the very few times I’ve gotten real hate over something barely affected me
I admit the fear of getting hate bothers me a lot more than actually getting it, but I just want to encourage you to stay strong in the face of it, it will pass, as it all does, but if nothing else in this post resonates with you, PLEASE HOLD ONTO YOUR JOY FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN! And don’t let ANYONE take it from YOU!!
If twenty one pilots makes you happy, just remember that the only person who can take that true joy away from you is yourself, remove the people who make you feel sad out of your life, I apologize if this is a physical person in your life as this makes it a lot harder, and sometimes impossible depending on the situation, but on the internet unfollow anyone, block anyone, don’t engage and leave them alone, it’s not with your energy or effort, and they’ll never change their minds but they can change yours you know?
Being sensitive in a time when everything is hateful is hard, especially when everyone tells you you’re a bad person if you aren’t engaged, but you really don’t have to be, you get to choose your own destiny you know? Don’t let other people choose it for you
#I’m am so sorry this post is so long and I still don’t know how to put readmores on mobile anymore#ajsjjams#I get told I ramble on about to much and that my stories are never concise and take forever to get to the point which might be true.........#I’m sorry#I kinda just rambled on forever but I feel like I finally aired out all my laundry I’ve kept to myself forever haha#it did have a point though! just trying to say like it’s always been a bit difficult but for the things that we love it can be#I’ve had a much better experience this era with the people I follow which has helped a lot#but to get to new content I’m digging in the tags which is where I’m#seeing all the hate so there’s kind of no avoiding it but I understood that going in you know?#anyways I think I’ve rambled on long enough! I hope this helped you out in same way?!?!#I’m not sure any of this is really helpful lol wjsks but one can hope haha#nic writes#tw suicide#tw suicide mention#tw school shooting#tw school shooting mention#tw racism mention
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tragic star: keith moon
“If you don't like it, you can fuck off!” - last words of Keith Moon
This one was a long time coming, but frankly, it took me a while to get interested enough in the subject to actually do this analysis, let alone finish it. At any rate, Keith Moon, like most of the drummers from the rock ‘n’ roll period that we still read about today, led a self-destructive lifestyle. A close friend of his once said the drummer was “like a train ride you couldn’t stop.” Not only was his drumming chaotic – so was his life. According to some, he was at his core a kind and generous soul, but to others, he was lost, lonely soul, and terribly immature throughout his adult life. Perhaps it was the sudden success, upon joining the rock band The Who, when he was only 18 (although plenty of others of the same era were as young, or younger, and survived just fine), but Keith was so eager to please and make everyone laugh that he eventually became the “Moon the Loon” character that he was portrayed as in the media. It got to the point where he wasn't sure who he really was. A true Leo, he made a circus out of everything and he wouldn't walk into any room and just listen. He was an attention seeker and he had to have it. He used amphetamines, tranquilizers, drank way too much alcohol, destroyed hotel rooms and friends’ homes, threw TVs into swimming pools, set fires, and the list goes on. He was ultimately unable to outrun or outlast his demons; whether it was the wife and child he drove away, the friend and chauffeur he accidentally killed in early 1970...whatever else haunted him, it ultimately caught up with him just as he was finally trying to improve his life. Friends were well-acquainted with the many sides to Moon’s strange personality; one minute he was insulting, exaggerating, joking – the next minute he’s a wide-eyed, innocent-looking drummer boy. The public Keith Moon was The Who’s manic drummer and hellraising, daredevil comedian; a man who only ever lived in the moment. However, the real Keith Moon was a son, a brother, a father and a deeply insecure man. A man of extremes, his was a complete shitshow of a life.
Keith Moon, according to astrotheme, was a Leo sun and Cancer moon (the moon is speculative). Moon was born to working class parents in Wembley, London, England. He was a hyperactive child by nature and a mediocre student at school. His art teacher said in a report: "Retarded artistically. Idiotic in other respects". His music teacher wrote that Moon "has great ability, but must guard against a tendency to show off." At the age of 12, he had joined the Sea Cadet Corp and was given his first musical instrument, the bugle. He left school by 15 and was in his first band, The Beachcombers. While performing with the Beachcombers, he used to attend concerts of a band called The Detours. At that time The Detours were planning to sign a deal with Fontana Records and for this deal, this band required a new drummer. The Detours changed their name to The Who in 1964. When Moon learned about the band’s need for a new drummer, he approached them for an audition. After the audition, he became their new drummer, and performed with The Who for the first time in 1962.
From the moment he joined, musically the band was complete, although adding his already volatile personality to those of the other three equally headstrong members meant that the early years of the Who's career were fraught with drama and violence, despite their almost immediate success. Much of the tension came from the fact that Keith readily joined in on popping pills with guitarist Pete Townshend and bassist John Entwistle, while lead singer Roger Daltrey (with whom Keith was never particularly close) didn't. After sacking Roger for two weeks in mid-1965, he was reinstated, band relations improved, and the Who continued to release a string of successful singles and albums before a downturn in their fortunes in 1968. However, the release of the album Tommy in 1969 turned them into international megastars overnight and from that moment until the day Keith died, they would remain one of the top rock bands in the world. Running concurrently with the Who's rise to stardom in the 1960s was Keith's relationship with his wife Kim. She first met Keith in 1965 when he was 19 and she 15, and while they fell in love rather quickly, he exhibited twin streaks of jealousy and insecurity and Moon was occasionally violent towards Kim. While his mental issues, which would now be readily (and correctly) diagnosed as a combination of ADHD and BPD, reared their ugly heads on innumerable occasions, Keith's true personality shone through enough that Kim stayed with him; she decided to marry him when she became pregnant within a year of dating, and they got married in 1966. Their daughter Amanda was born on 12 July. In those days, there was a belief that married rockstars with kids weren’t as appealing to their mostly female fans, and the marriage (and child) were kept secret from the press until May 1968. He loved his daughter, but his absences due to touring and fondness for practical jokes made their relationship uneasy when she was very young. "He had no idea how to be a father", Kim said. "He was too much of a child himself."
The chaotic sixties would not hold a candle to what the new decade had in store for him, however. Shortly after New Year’s in 1970, Moon accidentally killed his friend, driver and bodyguard, Neil Boland, outside the Red Lion pub in Hatfield, Hertfordshire. Pub patrons had begun to attack his Bentley; Moon, drunk, began driving to escape them. During the fracas, he hit Boland. After an investigation, the coroner ruled Boland's death an accident; Moon, having been charged with a number of offences, received an absolute discharge. Those close to Moon said that he was haunted by Boland's death for the rest of his life. Moon had nightmares about the incident and said he had no right to be alive. Also, compounding this tragedy, was the fragile state of Moon’s marriage. Even after marriage and his daughter being born, he was still jealous, self-centered, and abusive to his wife Kim, both verbally and physically. His mental state also deteriorated as his appetite for all manner of pills escalated and he exploded into a full-blown alcoholic. Even after separating for a year, Kim returned to him, hoping that he had finally changed, but the insane lifestyle Keith kept up at their house became too much. Kim and Amanda (nicknamed “Mandy”) finally left for good in 1973. Since his marriage was a central part of Keith's life, their divorce would come to affect him perhaps more than any other event in his adult life and it was a devastation Keith would never recover from. While most people would use an event like this as the impetus to clean up their act, Keith used it instead as an excuse to drive himself further into oblivion.
Moon's lifestyle began to undermine not only his health but his career. During the 1973 Quadrophenia tour, at the Who's debut US date, Moon ingested a mixture of tranquilizers and brandy. During the concert, Moon passed out on his drum kit during the song "Won't Get Fooled Again." The band stopped playing, and a group of roadies carried Moon offstage. After he was given a shower and an injection of cortisone, he was sent back onstage. Moon passed out again during "Magic Bus," and was again removed from the stage. The band continued without him for several songs before Pete Townshend asked, "Can anyone play the drums? – I mean somebody good?" A fan in the audience, who happened to be a drummer, came up and played the rest of the show. During the opening date of the band's March 1976 US tour at the Boston Garden, Moon passed out again over his drum kit after two numbers and the show was rescheduled. By the mid-1970s Keith was living in Los Angeles and getting up to even more insanity with John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Harry Nilsson, and other stars. Even a new love in his life, Swedish model Annette Walter-Lax, couldn't get him to slow down and take control. There were even stints in psychiatric wards after some mental breakdowns brought on by his despair at losing Kim and his daughter and his drinking. His alcohol and drug abuse was now not only affecting his health (he put on a significant amount of weight at this time due to infrequent gigging) but sadly, his drumming. In 1978 soon after he recorded Who Are You, his final album with The Who, depressed by the deterioration of his drumming and threats from the rest of the Who to clean up his act or else, that he finally decided to get some help. By the summer of 1978, he seemed to be trying to get his life in order, staying sober and solidifying his relationship with Annette. He was terrified to go into rehab or under psychiatric evaluation, however, and instead self-medicated with Heminevrin, a drug used for treating acute withdrawal from alcohol. However, he took too many on his final night and sadly died on September 7, 1978 at the age of 32.
Over forty years after his death, it's still difficult to think of Keith Moon as anything more than just a hard-drinking insane rock star who would smash his drum set on stage or destroy a hotel room. But regardless of the human being behind the drumkit, the legendary drummer should be remembered as the man who forever changed the sound of rock 'n' roll.
Next, I’ll go back to my beloved star analyses by covering a personal favourite of mine; a force of nature and an unsung pioneer of cinema whose death was ridiculously sensationalized and whose colourful life was almost as wild as Moon’s: Cancer Lupe Vélez
Stats
birthdate: August 23, 1946*
*note*: due to the absence of a birth time, this analysis will be even more speculative.
major planets:
Sun: Leo
Moon: Cancer
Rising: unknown
Mercury: Leo
Venus: Libra
Mars: Libra
Midheaven: unknown
Jupiter: Libra
Saturn: Leo
Uranus: Gemini
Neptune: Libra
Pluto: Leo
Overall personality snapshot: He may sometimes have wanted a safe, simple life where he felt emotionally contained and able to pursue his own creative interests. Then, however, the compulsion to strive for a more central, leading role reared its challenging head, and he knew he had it in him – so out into the spotlight he went. So immense was his creative energy as well as his warm feeling for others that he could become both the artistic home-maker and the home-loving artist/writer/entrepreneur. His personality was large and welcoming, colourful and theatrical because he had such an uncanny knack of dramatizing his vivid impressions and selling himself in the most genuine, heartfelt way. Both the paternal and the maternal urge was strong in him. He needed to use his will to project and establish your identity in the world, and to use his instincts to nurture and protect his emotional and material security. The Sun and the Moon are in their ‘home’ signs here, so that potentially he had the creative vision of Apollo and the lunar wisdom of Diana all rolled into one. This could make him pretty overpowering at times, and indeed he needed a partner and a family on whom he could lavish his emotions. His bearing was often aristocratic, sometimes haughty, oversensitive and self-absorbed, but he always seemed to have enough affection to go around so that no one felt left out. He also managed to remain approachable and compassionate because he was so aware of his own vulnerability and need to be loved. Thus he made a warm and understanding friend, and he enjoyed expressing his feelings with original flair and thoughtfulness.
He was protective, possessive and clannish, a stalwart member of his family, group and nation, and utterly devoted to his ideals. Deeply honourable and dependable, he brought an attitude of devotion and romantic style to all he did. He may have actually had a good head for business because he possessed an instinctive knowledge of security needs as well as a shrewd understanding of people, their desires, fears and foibles. His refined taste for comfort and beauty was part of the impetus for success – he knew his own mind and did not easily budge from his preferences and high standards. Aesthetic sensitivity was strong, and combined with his innate tenacity and quiet ambition means that he was quite successful in the arts. Even though he readily turned a bright face to the world, he did not always feel confident and strong. He had a lively sense of individuality, but his potency was sometimes too dependent on emotional familiarity, and the range of his self-expression too circumscribed within repetitive emotional patterns. Inwardly he shied away from encounters with the big, bad world, and early in life he may have needed to find ways of handling challenges that normally push the panic button. This wouldn’t have been hard for him because his creative drive was tremendous and his individuality needed recognition.
He was ambitious, sound at giving orders, carried responsibility well and was a good teacher, especially able to bring out the best in children. He believed in herself and generally knew the right thing to say at the right time, although he could show a stubborn and dogmatic side. He had a high opinion of his mental powers, and it was certainly true to say that he had plenty of mental energy. He was quite sociable and expected other people to behave well at all times. He was eager for close personal relationships, so he tended to have a wide circle of friends. Self-indulgence was a problem for him, as was laziness and conceit in relationships. He tended to be impatient with superficial details, preferring large-scale situations, and he disliked being tied down by obligations over which he had little control. Conservatism may have affected his creativity, artistic values and love affairs. This expressed itself as self-imposed restrictions or as selfishness. He often felt inadequate, which created an insidious form of oppression over all his forms of expression. He could also take herself so seriously, that people think that he was older than his years.
He was part of a generation that was strongly interested in humanitarian ideals, new avenues of communication and progress in mechanical skills. As a member of this generation, he was able to bring original ideas to both his career and spare-time interests. Crises in thought and ideology arose because he looked beyond tradition and old attitudes towards new original and inventive ways of looking at things. His active mind tended to need constant stimulation and his tastes could be quite fickle and difficult to satisfy. He belonged to a time of peace-loving idealism when the family unit and the way relationships were managed underwent great changes. He could be too idealistic and a little unrealistic when it came to matters of love, sex and romance. As a member of this generation, he tended to need to be motivated to make the most of his potential, because the line of least resistance appeared very attractive, especially when it involved pleasure-seeking. He embodied the Libra Neptune generation in the sense that he was a huge part of a time when beauty reappeared in fashion. He was part of a generation which was highlighted by the clash between authoritarianism and individualism. As a member of the Leo Plutonian generation, he wanted freedom in his relationships and demanded the loyalty of his friends as a right. As a member of this generation, he wanted power over his own life and was prepared to challenge established structures. He didn’t feel comfortable being dictated to, unless he in some way agreed to it beforehand. He was a part of excesses of the sixties. He was part of a generation that brought about a revolution in forms of entertainment, recreational activities and leisure time, as well as attitudes towards children.
Love/sex life: He was a lover so in love with the idea of love that nothing else matters. At times his whole-hearted idealism made him too optimistic and too easily deceived by people who promised to fulfill his ideals and then renege but, as delicate and unworldly as his romantic fantasy may seem, it was remarkably durable. Though he may have been misused and hurt, he never lost his faith in the power of true love. Issues of the flesh were always secondary to him and he was apt not to give them much thought. If such urges must be satisfied, then so be it. If sex proved useful in reaching other goals, that was fine too. As long as sex did not intrude on his ideal of perfect love such physical inconveniences hardly mattered. Unfortunately, most of the rest of the world did not agree with him on this point and, measured by their standards, his sexual behaviour may have seemed immoral or at least strangely naïve. He needed to learn to allow for such harsh realities even as he strove to create that grand idyll of perfect love.
minor asteroids and points:
North Node: Gemini
Lilith: Capricorn
Juno: Libra
Chiron: Libra
Vesta: Aries
Ceres: Aquarius
Pallas: Sagittarius
His North Node in Gemini dictated that he needed to prevent his idealism from influencing his thoughts to such a high degree. He needed to consciously develop a more clear-minded and analytical approach involving his thought processes. His Lilith in Capricorn dictated that he was dangerously attracted to women who had a scrappy plucky attitude hot-wired into their psyche. Against his better judgment, he liked to be around a woman who needed to be in control and to be mistress of her own destiny, because her life was in the control of not-so-well-meaning others as a child. Juno in Libra, he sought a mate who was harmonious, artistic, musical and intelligent. He liked beauty and balance at home. He believed in equal partnerships where all lived up to the letter of the law. Chiron in Libra, he often felt wounded in relationships and could wound others in retaliation. He may have felt he was constantly hurt or rejected in relationships. Through learning that he was whole on his own, he could have freed himself from this destructive pattern. He would have benefited from a partner that could have helped him heal in some way. Vesta in Aries, he was incline to initiate work for religious and humanitarian projects. Action came from a desire to improve every situation. There was a great deal of insecurity in self-evaluation. Ceres in Aquarius, at his best, he had tact and the ability to compromise, making him well liked by all. Pallas in Sagittarius, he had the ability to evaluate true personal worth enabling him to use his resources in the most advantageous ways. Other people may think he was lucky. Ideally speaking, he could have been generally positive instead of being wasteful, and he could have been confident and reliable. Nonetheless, he still used his ideas in a practical way, especially in his career.
elemental dominance:
air
fire
He was communicative, quick and mentally agile, and he liked to stir things up. He was likely a havoc-seeker on some level. He was oriented more toward thinking than feeling. He carried information and the seeds of ideas. Out of balance, he lived in his head and could be insensitive to the feelings of others. But at his best, he helped others form connections in all spheres of their daily lives. He was dynamic and passionate, with strong leadership ability. He generated enormous warmth and vibrancy. He was exciting to be around, because he was genuinely enthusiastic and usually friendly. However, he could either be harnessed into helpful energy or flame up and cause destruction. Confident and opinionated, he was fond of declarative statements such as “I will do this” or “It’s this way.” When out of control—usually because he was bored, or hadn’t been acknowledged—he was bossy, demanding, and even tyrannical. But at his best, his confidence and vision inspired others to conquer new territory in the world, in society, and in themselves.
modality dominance:
cardinal
He was happiest when he was doing anything new, and he loved to begin new ventures. He enjoyed the challenge of claiming territory. He tended to be an initiator—and a bit territorial as well. Also, he had a tendency to start more things than she could possibly finish.
planet dominants:
Moon
Sun
Venus
He was defined by his inner world; by his emotional reactions to situations, how emotions flowed through him, motivating and compelling him—or limiting him and holding him back. He held great capacity to become a part of the whole rather than attempting to master the parts. He wanted to become whatever it was that he sought. He had vitality and creativity, as well as a strong ego and was authoritarian and powerful. He likely had strong leadership qualities, he definitely knew who he was, and he had tremendous will. He met challenges and believed in expanding his life. He was romantic, attractive and valued beauty, had an artistic instinct, and was sociable. He had an easy ability to create close personal relationships, for better or worse, and to form business partnerships.
sign dominants:
Leo
Libra
Cancer
He loved being the center of attention and often surrounded himself with admirers. He had an innate dramatic sense, and life was definitely his stage. His flamboyance and personal magnetism extended to every facet of his life. He wanted to succeed and make an impact in every situation. At his best, he was optimistic, honorable, loyal, and ambitious. He loved beauty in all its guises—art, literature, classical music, opera, mathematics, and the human body. He usually was a team player who enjoyed debate but not argument. He was, at his best, an excellent strategist and a master at the power of suggestion. Even though he was likely a courteous, amiable person, he was definitely not a pushover. He tried to use diplomacy and intelligence to get what he wanted. At first meeting, he seemed enigmatic, elusive. He needed roots, a place or even a state of mind that he could call his own. He needed a safe harbor, a refuge in which to retreat for solitude. He was generally gentle and kind, unless he was hurt. Then he could become vindictive and sharp-spoken. He was affectionate, passionate, and even possessive at times. He was intuitive and was perhaps even psychic. Experience flowed through him emotionally. He was often moody and always changeable; his interests and social circles shifted constantly. He was emotion distilled into its purest form.
Read more about him under the cut.
Keith John Moon was an English drummer who played with the English rock band the Who. He was noted for his unique style and his eccentric, often self-destructive behaviour. His drumming continues to be praised by critics and musicians. He was posthumously inducted into the Modern Drummer Hall of Fame in 1982, becoming only the second rock drummer to be chosen, and in 2011, Moon was voted the second-greatest drummer in history by a Rolling Stone readers' poll.
Moon grew up in Alperton, a suburb of Wembley, in Middlesex, and took up the drums during the early 1960s. After playing with a local band, the Beachcombers, he joined the Who in 1964 before they recorded their first single.
Moon remained with the band during their rise to fame, and was quickly recognised for his drumming style, which emphasised tom-toms, cymbal crashes, and drum fills. He occasionally collaborated with other musicians and later appeared in films, but considered playing in the Who his primary occupation and remained a member of the band until his death.
In addition to his talent as a drummer, however, Moon developed a reputation for smashing his kit on stage and destroying hotel rooms on tour. He was fascinated by blowing up toilets with cherry bombs or dynamite, and by destroying television sets. Moon enjoyed touring and socialising, and was bored and restless when the Who were inactive. His 21st birthday party in Flint, Michigan, has been cited as a notorious example of decadent behaviour by rock groups.
Moon suffered a number of setbacks during the 1970s, most notably the accidental death of chauffeur Neil Boland and the breakdown of his marriage. He became addicted to alcohol, particularly brandy and champagne, and acquired a reputation for decadence and dark humour; his nickname was "Moon the Loon." After moving to Los Angeles with personal assistant Peter "Dougal" Butler during the mid-1970s, Moon recorded his only solo album, the poorly received Two Sides of the Moon.
While touring with the Who, on several occasions he passed out on stage and was hospitalised. By their final tour with him in 1976, and particularly during production of The Kids Are Alright and Who Are You, the drummer's deterioration was evident. Moon moved back to London in 1978, dying in September of that year from an overdose of Heminevrin, a drug intended to treat or prevent symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. (x)
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Manuscript Search | Word Tag
Tagged by my dear friend @jmhwriterblog. The words I needed to find were: heart, dig, velvet, dark, and chain.
I have only one story in the works that contained them all, so I’ll introduce a story that is quite long already (87,000+ words) and very dear to my heart, especially since it started from a random dream and grew like a fever.
Kingdom Beneath the Tower
Synopsis: A regal drama focusing on an older king who finally takes a bride at the instance of his council and struggles to handle her presence in his world while keeping a dying kingdom from being left behind to the advances of the future.
And here goes...
HEART
He was accustomed to women who knew well the body of a man, women who often indulged in more affairs than him. But this woman, his bride and now wife, was new, not only in body but in concept. He wasn't meant to be her first anything, but the Ignus Festival demanded blood for the revitalization of the kingdom. He didn't believe in such fantastical nonsense, but if it kept the simmering rage of his people from boiling over, then he was willing to play along. But he hadn't expected such a reaction. He expected the pain; he expected resistance, and to some degree, he expected compliance. But he didn't anticipate the force of her scream that spoke the truth of her heart and that would echo for ages in the corridors of his mind, leaving its mark like scratches carved into stone.
DIG (Digging)
As she started down the path lined with overgrown weeds smothering out the flowers struggling to grow beneath, she paused and stopped low, digging her fingers into the damp and cool soil to free the weeds from their hold on the earth. Ripping the weeds away, she piled them at her side in a wild mess of brown and green and blanched white roots. She cleared away most of what she could reach and brushed her fingers gently over the stems and leaves of the struggling flowers, hoping to tease them back to life with the hope of sunlight and exposure.
VELVET
The low murmur of whispers invaded her dreams, rousing her from sleep. Rubbing her eyes, she groaned and lifted herself upward. The whispering stopped, and she opened her eyes to find three women gawking at her. She scrambled to cover her chest with the blanket as her cheeks flushed red, embarrassed by the state of herself. As the haze of her deep sleep cleared, she recalled where she was and the night that left her bare and sleeping alone on a velvet settee.
DARK (a word I use to an UNHEALTHY extent so I found the best use of it)
“You truly have nothing of value to offer the union. The other kings and I, we have heard the rumors of how hard your winters are affecting your people. And I see the taking of a bride now to be a drowning man’s surrender to save a doomed nation. Some of the other kings have sons who are of age, ready and primed to take the throne, and you only just now take a wife. You are nearly twenty years behind the rest of us, Vincent, and your kingdom is still stuck in the dark ages. Your bride is a cry for help, not a sign of allegiance or a testament to the future.”
CHAIN
He lifted himself out of the tub and toweled off quickly, discarding the damp cloth on the floor for the servants to retrieve in the morning. He was tried and beaten down, too weary from fighting both physically and mentally, and all he sought was sleep. Before stumbling blindly into bed, he paused at his dresser and retrieved a pair of linen trousers and peeled them on to cover his nudity and shield his softening erection. He would only rise once more if he collided with her soft and warm and sweet-smelling skin. Best to keep himself shackled, even if the chains that bound him were sheer linen. Though, if he pushed her, if he shook her shoulder and roused her from sleep, he knew she would let him touch her, let him kiss her body, taste her curves, and sink into her warmth.
This was quite fun and inspired me to fall in love with this story again. I throw the following words out to the void. Anyone who is daring (or bored) may seek them out: human, storm, deal, father, and flame.
Tag me in your responses! I enjoying reading different styles.
#word find#word find tag#word tag#manuscript search#writeblr#writblr#writer#original fiction#creative fiction#mvt#missvalerietanner#writings#kingdom beneath the tower#kbtt
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Too Far Gone
(Hey y’all! I’m back with some Logan angst, because that’s all I’m capable of writing. You can find this story on Ao3 here!)
Summary: Logan Mackenzie doesn't quite understand feelings, but he does care about his friends. That's why he ended up playing matchmaker for his three oblivious best friends.
Getting Roman and Virgil together is hard. Getting Patton to admit his feelings is harder. The hardest part, however, is when he realizes he care a little more than a friend would.
But they're happy together. Roman-Virgil-Patton. 1+1+1=Relationship.
What Logan wants isn't part of the equation.
Ships: eventual romantic LAMP
Warnings: self-deprecation, self-confidence issues, self-isolation, sacrificing happiness for the sake of others, a TON of pining you guys, some denial to spice it up, deceit is only mentioned, self-hatred issues, yeah Logan has some feelings, swearing, insecurity about being polyamorous but it’s very brief, crying, arguing, lots of crying. (that makes it sound really angsty but there’s a ton of fluff too I swear)
Word count: 16,845 (it’s still a oneshot if I post it all at once, shut up)
Logan Mackenzie knew a lot of things. He knew the name of every Agatha Christie novel in alphabetical order. He knew the capitol of every country and a few that weren’t countries anymore. He knew how to calculate the sine of an angle, identify the signs of dehydration, and communicate—albeit rather haltingly—in American Sign Language. He’d maintained good grades through high school, college, and now, graduate school. He wanted to be an astronomy teacher one day, but if that didn’t pan out, a doctor, researcher, or physicist were not out of the question.
As Virgil once put it, the size of Logan’s area of expertise was only eclipsed by the size of Roman’s ego. This led to Roman attacking Virgil with a spatula and declaring that their friendship was over, Virgil was a coward and a fool, and he could not reasonably stand for this heresy. Patton suggested that if Roman couldn’t stand for it, he should just sit down. And that pretty much summed up Logan’s three best friends.
But despite Logan’s knowledge of all things philosophical, scientific, linguistic, and everything in between, he did have one rather large Achilles heel.
He did not understand emotions.
He had them, of course. He could hardly avoid them, being a homo sapiens of ordinary mental health with supremely emotional beings as his friends. Roman was always bursting with drama, exuberance, and Disney songs. Patton was sunshine incarnate with a perpetual smile and endless dad jokes. Virgil was more laid-back and sarcastic, but his issues with anxiety and his not-so-secret softer side still placed him firmly in the Has Feelings category.
Logan had feelings too. Joy when opening a fresh jar of jam, pride after receiving a good grade, frustration when Roman said something particularly dense. He just didn’t seem to…comprehend them as the others did. He often didn’t even realize what he was feeling, only noting the physical symptoms of the emotion.
For a while, he’d asked Patton what he was feeling and Patton had done his best to deduce the answer from the symptoms provided. That was a figurative hit-or-miss endeavor, however, and Logan found his stomach clenching at the sympathetic look on Patton’s face. He knew Patton meant well, but the experience of being pitied—was he being pitied, or was that a cognitive distortion, like the ones he always talked Virgil out of—the experience of feeling pitied was an unpleasant one. These days, he usually researched the symptoms on his own. It was even less accurate, but avoided the cloying feeling of vulnerability.
Logan tried not to be bitter about the situation. He understood so many things, it only made sense for life to give him a figurative handicap. And emotions were hardly the most important thing to understand anyway. He’d much rather know CPR than whether he was angry or merely annoyed. Those sorts of subtleties could be handled by his friends.
They didn’t seem to mind Logan’s…inexperience. They liked him just fine. More than ‘fine,’ in fact. Virgil and him had been friends since high school, back when Logan was even more unmanageable and walled-off. And Patton and Roman both helped him through the stress of college without judgment. The four of them worked, illogical as it was. Their different personalities didn’t clash, they just complemented each other like different shades to a painting. Logan couldn’t imagine having another friend group, and he didn’t want to imagine the circumstances in which he would be forced to find one.
For now, things were all right. Patton cheered them up, Roman pushed them forward, Virgil kept them safe, and Logan educated them. When Patton was sad or Roman was insecure or Virgil was panicking, they’d watch movies or practice breathing or simply talk until the problem was solved. Logan could handle the rational, intellectual part of the issue and Patton or Roman would cover the emotional side of things. Even Virgil, cynical as he was, had a sense for understanding insecurity and fear. Their system worked. If a problem was too emotional for Logan to handle, he could always call Patton or Roman or Virgil. It was simple.
Then came a problem he couldn’t get backup for.
Virgil had a crush.
No, that understated the issue. A simple crush would have been bearable. Virgil had a deep, desperate, all-consuming crush on Roman. It was the sort of crush that made him blush when they were in the same room. The sort of crush that sent him into hyperventilation when Roman said hello. The sort of crush that made him rant endlessly about Roman’s “stupid perfect face and stupid beautiful voice and stupid nice lovely wonderful smile—” until he resorted to simply screaming obscenities into his pillow.
And who did he rant to? None other than Logan Mackenzie, the singular most unqualified person in perhaps the entire Milky Way.
Logan understood Virgil’s predicament. He couldn’t talk about it to the object of his affections, of course. Patton was also out of the picture—him and Roman were thick as figurative thieves, and Patton would never keep a secret from anyone. He’d try, maybe, but he was a terrible liar and Roman would surely catch on.
Logan was the only possible option. They were roommates, they were friends, and Logan could keep a secret. And Logan, good friend as he was, did want to support Virgil through this emotional time.
However, he couldn’t say it didn’t get…tedious.
Especially as the crush showed no signs of fading, and Virgil still refused to tell Roman about it.
“Virgil,” Logan said, poking at the mop of purple hair he knew possessed his best friend. Virgil merely mumbled something that sounded like “stupid wonderful personality” and ignored him.
“Virgil,” Logan repeated, louder. “I’d like you to explain—"
“Why I don’t tell him. I know.” Virgil batted Logan’s hand away, poking his face above the covers. A residual blush still lingered on his face. “You’ve said that a million times.”
“Yes,” Logan agreed tautly. “Because it is the only possible conclusion to this fiasco and I don’t see why you can’t just get it over with.”
“Not the only possible conclusion,” Virgil grumbled. “It’ll probably go away soon.”
“Virgil, remind me how long you have had this crush?”
Virgil glared at him and didn’t respond.
“Fine, I’ll tell you the answer myself.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “Eighty-three days and five hours.”
“You remember that?”
“Hard to forget,” Logan snapped, “when you have spent the majority of those eighty-three days complaining about Roman’s perfect eyebrows.”
Virgil rolled his eyes. “But…have you seen his eyebrows, L?”
“As a matter of fact, I have. Because I see him every day, Virgil. He is my best friend.”
“Then you should appreciate my struggle.” Virgil rolled over, covering his head with a pillow. “I’m completely doomed.”
“Just tell him!” Logan burst out. “This crush will not end of its own accord. You need to confess your feelings, if only to lay your mind at rest. Roman is not currently in a relationship with anyone. He is pansexual and panromantic and could very easily reciprocate your feelings. Give me one good reason why you shouldn’t just tell him how you feel.”
Virgil groaned. “Is ‘everything’ a reason?”
“No.”
“Is ‘I just can’t’ a reason?”
“Also no.”
“Is ‘I’d rather die’ a reason?”
Logan raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Sometimes I don’t comprehend humanity.”
“Look, L, I…” Virgil struggled out from under his covers, pulling at a sleeve and avoiding his gaze. “What if he doesn’t like me? That way?”
“Then you will at least have some clarification instead of being stuck in a figurative limbo state.”
“What if it ruins our friendship? What if he thinks I’m weird or creepy or—”
“Virgil.” Logan carefully placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Roman is a good friend who values you deeply. I sincerely doubt this would ruin your friendship. Things may be different for a time, but you will not lose him over this. I promise.”
Virgil looked a little consoled. Still, he squeezed the blanket with both hands. “What if—what if he—”
Virgil fell silent. Logan tilted his head. “Yes?”
“Never mind, it’s…it’s stupid.”
“If it is bothering you, it’s not stupid.”
Virgil seemed to struggle with his thoughts for a second. Finally, he burst out: “What if he feels forced?”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean,” Logan said. “Could you elaborate?”
“What if he feels like…just ‘cause I like him…he needs to…” Virgil pulled at his sleeve, biting his lip. “I dunno…pretend? Date me to be nice? Out of pity? I don’t want…I don’t want him to feel…like he has to sacrifice his happiness so I can feel better.”
Something ached in Logan’s chest. It was a hard, sharp ache, with heat but no anger. Compassion, that’s what it was. Platonic love for his insecure, anxious, wonderful best friend.
“Virgil, look at me,” Logan instructed. Virgil slowly looked up, his brown eyes dark with worry. Logan reached out and brushed his purple bangs out of his eyes.
“Roman is not a cruel person.” Logan kept his voice soft, comforting. “He cares deeply about you, as I have said before. He would not string you on a figurative wild goose chase no matter his feelings for you. He is not a liar and he would not do such a thing out of pity for you. Roman does not, and never will, pity you.” Logan laughed quietly. “And sacrificing his own happiness for others sounds more like something you would do, Virgil.”
Virgil huffed with irritation. But his prickly expression soon faded. “Thanks, L.”
“It is my pleasure.”
Virgil nodded to himself. Then his face lit up, but just as soon as the excitement crossed his features, it flickered away again.
“What is it?” Logan asked, leaning forward on his chair.
Virgil bit his lip again. “Well…um, I had an idea…but it’s probably stupid and you don’t have to—um. Well. Maybe you could…see if Roman likes me? Ask him?”
Logan blinked. “Are you asking me to…clandestinely investigate whether Roman has romantic feelings for you as if we were back in high school?”
Virgil shrugged sheepishly. “…Maybe?”
“Unbelievable.” Logan sat back and crossed his arms. “Virgil, I would do many things for you. But I am not going to play matchmaker.”
“C’mon,” Virgil said. “I’ll let you have first pick at movie night and do your share of the dishes for a week and give you back your Alice in Wonderland puzzle book.”
“Tempting,” Logan admitted. “And if I do such a…juvenile venture, and find out that Roman holds romantic feelings for you, will you tell Roman of your crush?”
Virgil rubbed his face. “Do I have to?”
Logan gave him a level stare.
“Fine!” Virgil threw his hands in the air. “Fine. You win. If Roman likes me…maybe I’ll tell him. Maybe.”
“Maybe?” Logan echoed.
“It’s the best you’re getting, Pocket Protector.” Virgil grinned. “Take it or leave it.”
Logan mulled over the question, but truly, it wasn’t much of a debate. He wanted Virgil to step up and take action. He wanted the pair of them to get together, if only to end Virgil’s ceaseless complaining. And…truly, he was a little curious who Roman did like. He often proclaimed that he wanted to sweep someone off their feet or slay a dragon for them or simply be in a romance, but Logan never heard a specific name attached to those fantasies. In fact, he couldn’t remember Roman ever talking about his crushes—strange indeed, when Logan had always thought of him as a romantic.
“Deal,” Logan said.
“Thanks, L. You’re a lifesaver.”
“I don’t think your life would be in jeopardy, unless you can die from pining—”
Virgil chucked a pillow at Logan’s head. “Shut up and get matchmaking, Cupid.”
“Don’t call me that.”
Virgil grinned like a cat who’d eaten a canary. And Logan wondered just what he’d gotten himself into.
It took a little work to find time with Roman alone. Patton stuck to him like a barnacle—they were roommates and both were extremely clingy. In fact, they often acted like they were dating, but Logan supposed they were just very touchy friends.
Perhaps they were dating in secret. Or Logan just didn’t know about it because they’d chosen not to tell him because he didn’t understand relationships and—okay, he was starting to sound like Virgil. They were not secretly dating. Patton couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, and neither of them had any motivation to hide such a thing from Logan or Virgil. Roman was single and therefore, could possibly like Virgil back.
Logan just wanted Virgil happy and not pining sadly in his bedroom. Was that too much to ask for?
Finally, he managed to get Roman alone. It was during their traditional movie night, between Mulan and Pocahontas. Patton had realized they were out of popcorn and Logan convince Virgil to go with him to get some more. Virgil gave Logan a suspicious look, but after Logan motioned to Roman and quickly signed ‘I’ll ask him,’ Virgil let himself be dragged to the store with Patton. He didn’t seem entirely upset with the situation—though Virgil would deny it, he loved Patton. Though Patton never denied it, he loved Virgil back.
“Well, it’s just you and me, Specs.” Roman ducked behind the counter and came up with two mugs. He handed Logan the one that said ‘Best Mother Ever’ and kept the ‘I Drink Coffee to Hide the Pain’ mug for himself. Rooting around in the cupboard, Roman pulled out some hot chocolate mix.
“I’m not the best with this stuff—Patton’s a miracle worker, I swear—but I think it’ll do.”
“Hot chocolate in March?” Logan asked. “It’s fifty degrees outside.”
“Silence,” Roman ordered. “I’m bored and I wanna have sweet stuff. Don’t rain on my parade.”
Logan smiled as Roman began to make them the hot chocolate. Soon they both had a steaming mug of sweet melted chocolate. Logan stirred his and watched the steam curl in the air. Roman watched him out of the corner of his eye, a tentative smile on his face.
“What?” Logan asked.
Roman shrugged. “…Are you gonna drink it?”
Logan blew on the cup and took a sip. The sweetness warmed his throat, and he could feel it traveling to his stomach, making every extremity of his body warmer. Roman had stuck a sprig of peppermint
“It is…satisfactory,” Logan said, taking another sip.
Roman grinned. “Glad you approve, Microsoft Nerd.”
Logan sighed. “Why must you always insult me?”
“Hey, this is how I show my love!”
Jumping on this auspicious phrasing, Logan decided to put his plan into motion. Carefully maintaining his nonchalant tone, he said, “Is it now.”
“Yes!” Roman put his hands on his hips. “You may be insufferable and annoying and completely idiotic sometimes, but I care about you!”
A smile played around Logan’s lips. “Is that how you treat your princes and princesses? Insult them as you rescue them from the tower? I can’t imagine they’d like that very much.”
“Rude.” Roman shoved Logan, almost knocking over his ‘Best Mother Ever’ mug—why did they even have that mug? None of them were female—and giving him a roguish grin. “My romantic endeavors go just fine, thank you.”
“Oh really?” Logan tried to bridge the line between teasing banter and honest curiosity. Come on too strong, and Roman could get suspicious. “I wouldn’t know, you never talk about them.”
Roman shrugged. “I have to have some secrets, don’t I?”
Logan snorted. “Don’t tell me you’re dating someone in secret? A Romeo and Juliet situation, perhaps? I’m sorry to say that Patton might be a bit upset if you were banished for manslaughter.”
“I’m not dating anyone,” Roman said, laughing. Quietly, he added, “Not for lack of trying.”
Logan raised an eyebrow. Roman fidgeted uncomfortably before taking a large sip of hot chocolate and avoiding Logan’s gaze. Unfortunately, that hot chocolate seemed to be too hot. Roman swore, jumping back and batting at his tongue. Logan poured him some water, which he downed. Roman soon recovered enough to begin moaning about his injury and threatening to “get my revenge on this accursed cocoa by any means necessary.” Before Roman could bring out his sword and challenge the mug to an Agni Kai, Logan decided to ask his big question.
“…Roman, do you…I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but…”
Curses, why was this so hard? Roman’s face wrinkled in confusion and concern, eyebrows high.
“…Do you have feelings for anyone?”
Roman laughed lightly. “I have a lot of feelings, Specs. Be more specific.”
“Do you have…romantic feelings?” Logan clutched his cup. “I’m curious. You never speak about relationships in the specific…and you mention trying to date someone. It’s okay if you don’t want to disclose this information, but I would like to understand better.”
Roman sighed, staring into his cocoa. “It’s complicated, Specs.”
“Try me.”
“I…” Roman rubbed his hand across his eyes. “I don’t know. Yes, probably? There’s…someone I have in mind…but…oh, I don’t know. Why do things have to be so confusing? Where’s the line between they’re-just-a-friend and I-may-wanna-date-them? In stories it’s always so clear-cut, and they always fall for just—I mean, it’s always obvious that they like someone. It’s…it’s never been that way for me.”
Logan watched Roman with sympathy. “I can understand that. The line between platonic and romantic attraction is often blurry.”
“I know.” Roman was hunched over, tracing circles on the rim of his mug. “And I sincerely doubt anyone thinks of me that way, so it’s a moo point.”
“…a moot point.”
“That’s what I said.”
Logan chose not to comment. Instead, he said simply, “That’s not true.”
Roman’s head jerked up. “What?”
“That’s not true,” Logan repeated. Maybe he was breaking Virgil’s trust, just a little bit, but he could be vague. And how was he supposed to find out if Roman liked Virgil without bringing Virgil up?
“You mean…someone likes me?” Roman looked disbelieving, far too disbelieving, and Logan reminded himself to have another talk with Patton about Roman’s self-esteem.
Logan nodded. “Yes.”
“Who?”
“I can’t say,” Logan said, raising his mug. “They wouldn’t want me to tell their secret.”
“That’s fair,” Roman said.
Logan took a sip of hot chocolate.
“…it isn’t you, is it?”
And Logan almost spit out said sip of chocolate.
Roman thought—wait, he thought—
This was not good.
Instead of being rational, instead of thinking this through, Logan’s heartbeat skyrocketed and he panicked.
“What?” Logan yelped. “No! No, no, hell no. I would never want to date you.”
Roman looked like he’d been slapped. Hurt blossomed over his face. “Wow, thanks,” he said, the sarcasm sharp with wounded pride. “Glad you think so much of me.”
“No!” Logan set down his coffee and ran his hands through his hair. “That…didn’t…I didn’t mean it like that. I have nothing against you. You’re just…” Excuse, excuse, something, something! “…not my type?”
“Not your type?” Roman looked slightly mollified, and, oh no, now he was smiling in that teasing way of his. “What is your type, then?”
Logan sipped his cocoa and tried to maintain a figurative straight face. “Someone who doesn’t light their hand sanitizer on fire by accident.”
Offended noises followed that statement. “That was one time!” Roman protested. “And it was Remus’ fault!”
“Of course it was.” Logan rolled his eyes. “You two are natural disasters and threats to the peace of this nation.”
“Thank you!”
Logan sighed into his hot chocolate. Silence fell, slightly uncomfortable but not grating.
Finally, Roman asked, “Who is it?”
“I told you,” Logan said, finishing his cocoa and setting down the mug. “I can’t say.”
Roman pouted. “Meanie.”
“You were the one who said it was fair!”
“Well, now I’m curious!” Roman complained. “Can’t you give me a hint?”
Logan looked into Roman’s eyes. “Who do you want it to be?”
A blush rose to Roman’s cheeks. He hurriedly looked away. “I dunno…I mean…”
“I won’t tell anyone.” Logan walked over to the sink and began washing out his mug. “And I do not judge.”
Roman sighed dramatically behind him. “Must you force me into this confession, oh heartless one?”
“I’m not forcing you into anything.”
Another dramatic sigh. “Fine. I—I like—”
And then there was an indistinguishable mumble. Logan turned off the water and looked behind him. “I didn’t catch that.”
“I like Patton,” Roman whispered.
Oh.
“…and Virgil.”
Oh.
Logan tried not to let his excitement show. “I…didn’t realize you were polyamorous.”
“I didn’t tell anyone.” Roman shrugged. His voice was strangely brittle. “Until…now, I guess.”
“Well.” Logan walked over and leaned on the counter next to Roman. “…Thank you. For telling me.”
Roman gave a small, insincere smile that quickly vanished. “You don’t think it’s…weird?”
“Of course not.” Logan channeled all his certainty into his words. “Many people are polyamorous. It’s not ‘weird’ any more than it is ‘weird’ for some people to be bisexual, or aromantic, or demisexual. It’s a way of experiencing sexual or romantic attraction that is no less valid than any other.”
“Huh.” That small smile returned, more sincere this time. “Thanks, Specs.”
“It’s no issue.”
“Thanks.” Roman fidgeted slightly. “It’s not fun, you know.”
“What isn’t?” Logan asked.
“I dunno.” Roman waved a hand in his usual flamboyant gesturing, but something about it was ragged. “Liking two people gives double the heartbreak. I’d settle for one of them—I’d love to be with one of them, but it’ll never happen.” Recovering himself, he pressed a hand to his forehead and wilted. “Woe is me, I shall never be loved by my loves.”
Logan chuckled. “How do you know?”
“Well, I did,” Roman clarified. “Now you’ve cruelly given me hope.”
“Cruel indeed.” Logan traced his fingers over the counter. “Imagine, one of the two people you’re closest to might have romantic feelings for you as well. How improbable. It’s not like platonic relationships often lead to romantic ones.”
Roman laughed. “I think you’ve been hanging out with Dee too much.”
“Roman,” Logan said. “It is not out of the picture for at least one of your objects of affection to reciprocate your feelings.” He avoided Roman’s eyes. “I, for one, think you are…a good person. Kind, smart, funny…I can see how someone might fall for you.”
Okay, this was getting into territory he didn’t like. Time to backtrack. “In fact, as you and I know, someone does hold those feelings for you.”
“Is it…one of them?” Roman asked. The hesitant hope in his face was almost heartbreaking.
“I couldn’t tell you,” Logan said. “Even if it was one of them, I wouldn’t know the feelings of the other.”
“Hmm.” Roman furrowed his brow. Then his face lit up. “Hey, Professor Plum?”
“Don’t call me that, the character in the movie Clue is a scoundrel and a disgrace to academia—”
“Miss White,” Roman corrected.
“Hardly better.”
“Wadsworth,” Roman settled on. “Could you—since you know about this—could you find out if either of them—”
Foreboding filled Logan. “Please don’t say you want me to—”
“—play Matchmaker?” Roman smiled sheepishly. “Maybe?”
“Oh, Newton.” Logan rubbed his eyes. “Roman, please say you’re joking.”
“I’m not!” Roman seemed pleased with the idea, the exact opposite of Logan’s feelings on the matter. “You could just ask Virgil and Patton if they like anyone, and see if either of them like me.”
“Roman.” Logan sighed loudly. “There are several fallacies with this plan. For one, I may already have information on them. For another, I would be betraying their trust by telling you. You could not gain any information from this venture and I am not going to be complicit in it—”
“…Please?” Roman asked. “You can just find out if they like anyone else, and then you can tell me if they don’t, if I have a shot, and—”
Something fiery and hot was growing in Logan’s chest. Annoyance or anger? Probably the former, since Roman didn’t mean to do this. Still...it burned.
“—and most likely I won’t, but there are two chances, right? And—”
“Roman.”
“—I’m just really curious now, I’m tired of pining—”
“Roman!”
“—this is turning into a romantic comedy, it’s painful—”
“Roman, Virgil likes you!”
Roman immediately froze. His eyes widened, then widened even further, until there seemed to be more whites than irises.
Something heavy and cloying twisted in Logan’s stomach. Shame? Guilt? Fear? Something, definitely. He’d betrayed Virgil’s trust.
But on the surface was still annoyance, and Logan let it out.
“He sent me to find out your crush and get me to play Matchmaker! Now you’re asking me to do the same thing, and I am most certainly not creeping behind both of your backs and being a double agent for your silly romantic antics! Please just communicate with each other like adults before I go insane!”
Roman’s mouth was hanging open. He closed it, swallowed, and opened it again.
“…Wait,” Roman said. “…Virgil likes me?”
“Yes.” Logan felt his anger fade.
“…Are you sure?”
“He’s been ranting about your beautiful eyelashes for months, so I’d say I’m pretty sure.”
Roman looked like Logan had smacked him in the face, let loose a flash grenade between his eyes, and began singing All Star in an Elvis costume. “Really?”
Logan wanted to chuck Roman at the wall. “Yes, really. I do not propagate falsehoods, Roman.”
“Wow.” Roman still appeared shell-shocked. “I didn’t expect…I mean…wow.”
“Wow indeed,” Logan said, pushing himself off the counter and heading to the couch. “Do what you will with this information, Roman. My part here is done.”
“Logan…” Roman followed, tossing himself on the couch and grabbing a blanket. “Thanks.”
“It was no problem. In fact, it was my pleasure.” Logan placed himself on the other side of the couch, reaching for the bowl of chips. “I am glad this ordeal is over with.”
“Well, it isn’t yet, Teach.” Roman smiled. “I still need to ask him out. I’m thinking the first day of spring, a garden—”
“Do it now.”
“What?”
“Do it now,” Logan said. “As soon as Virgil comes back. Before you can A) talk yourself out of it or B) design some ridiculously complicated endeavor that would most likely leave Virgil overwhelmed.”
Roman scoffed. “When have I ever done something like that?”
Logan pointedly glared at him.
Roman sunk into the couch cushions, crossing his arms petulantly. “Fine.”
“Good.”
Roman grabbed the TV remote and turned the TV back on. The loading screen for Pocahontas showed. He pressed play.
“They’ll miss it,” Logan complained.
“We’ll start it over.” Roman’s face was determined in the light of the screen, which accentuated the flop of his brown hair and the firm jaw that swept under his crooked smile. Logan narrowed his eyes, trying to see whether Roman’s eyebrows were anything special. They appeared normal, brown and defined, but maybe from another angle—
“What are you doing?” Roman asked, turning and meeting Logan’s eyes.
“Nothing,” Logan said. “Let’s watch.”
They made it fifteen minutes into the movie before Patton and Virgil returned. Patton had gotten sidetracked with petting a cute dog and the store had a long line. Virgil dumped the popcorn in a bowl and Patton gave Logan and Roman hugs despite seeing them only half an hour before.
“You started already?” Virgil complained.
“Rest easy, Maleficent. We’ll start over.” Roman’s face darkened with a slight blush. “But um…actually…could we talk for a sec? Alone?”
Panic flitted over Virgil’s face. He glanced at Logan, who gave him an encouraging smile.
“O-okay,” Virgil agreed, fidgeting with his hoodie. “Sure.”
“Cool.” Roman led Virgil down the hallway to Patton’s bedroom. “Pat, is it okay if we go in here? My room’s a mess.”
“Sure thing, kiddo!” Patton called. Roman smiled and they walked through the doorway, Roman shutting the door behind them.
“What’re they up to?” Patton asked, settling on the couch next to Logan.
“Can’t tell you that,” Logan said. “I’ve spilled enough secrets today.”
Patton looked at him curiously but apparently decided not to comment.
And they sat in silence, Patton munching on the popcorn, Logan watching the clock and praying whatever was going on, it was good.
After five minutes, Virgil and Roman emerged. Roman was beaming, and Virgil had a small, shy smile on his face. Logan noticed their hands were brushing each other—not intertwined, not yet, but comfortably side-by-side.
Virgil sat next to Logan and Roman sat next to Patton. Patton’s questions about their conversation were brushed off, and Patton soon conceded the issue and turned on the movie again. As Pocahontas sang, Virgil leaned over to Logan and punched him in the arm. Logan hissed in pain. “What was that for?” he whispered.
“Telling him.” Virgil was smirking, however, and Logan knew he was forgiven.
“It worked out, didn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Virgil looked over at Roman, whose smile still hadn’t faded. Roman saw Virgil and smiled even wider, getting a smile in return.
“Yeah, I think it did.”
Something was wrong with Patton.
It was about three months since Roman and Virgil had begun officially dating. The amount of pining-based rants had sharply dipped. Unfortunately, they were replaced by what-do-I-wear-to-a-coffee-date rants and holy-shit-we-kissed-Logan-we-kissed-help rants and what-if-he-secretly-hates-me-should-I-break-up-with-him-before-he-does rants. What’s more, he also began receiving more calls and texts from Roman along the lines of “What’s Virgil’s favorite food” and “Does he like park dates” and “He hasn’t texted me back yet does he hate me is he going to break up with me,” so Logan resigned himself to his fate. Dating they might be, adorable and sweet and supportive they might be, but Logan would still have to deal with their gay panic.
However, his somewhat inept support of them had apparently deemed him “Emotionally Competent.” It was a false label and a new label, replacing his old one of “We Ask Him About Stars, Not Feelings.” Logan didn’t feel he deserved this new designation, but like it or not, he was now someone who could Help With Feelings.
That’s why he was the one talking to Patton.
Well, that wasn’t the whole story. It was also because Patton’s strange behavior was mostly limited to Roman and Virgil. He was kind and sweet and cheerful, but his smile always seemed strained when in their company. More often than not, he excused himself from group activities early, only talked to Logan, or even—according to a concerned Virgil—being strangely distant one-on-one. Sometimes Logan spotted Patton staring at Roman and Virgil, an inexplicably sad look on his face, but when confronted he immediately smiled and said it was nothing. Roman and Virgil, worried they had done something wrong, enlisted Logan to discover the source of the problem.
And the newly Emotionally Competent Logan couldn’t say no.
It was Patton, after all. Sweet, lovely, amazing Patton. If something was truly wrong, he would not hesitate to attempt assistance. He cared deeply for Patton. And although his recent behavior didn’t extend to Logan—in fact, by process of elimination, Logan actually ended up being with Patton more than on average—he still wanted the old Patton back.
So, after an afternoon in Patton and Roman’s apartment that consisted of a violently competitive game of Monopoly—Roman tried to place a hotel on a railroad, Patton traded properties with everyone to help them win, and after Logan collected the Free Parking money totaling 564 dollars, Virgil chucked a shoe at his head—Logan decided to stay behind, help Patton clean up the mess, and ask him a few questions.
Patton seemed to be his normal self. He gladly assisted Logan with the cleanup, cracking jokes and telling the story of a very nice cat he’d met at the animal shelter he volunteered for.
“You’re allergic to cats,” Logan pointed out for the twenty-seventh time.
“I know,” Patton said with a pout. “But she was so cute! And her little fluffy ears…she was purr-fect!”
“I do hope you took your medicine.”
“Of course I did, kiddo!”
Logan smiled. “Roman reminded you, didn’t he?”
Patton giggled and booped Logan’s nose. Had they been with company, Logan wouldn’t have allowed such a thing. But Patton was exhilarating, energetic, so full of life, so contagious—and no one could see anyway. He didn’t mind. In fact, he leaned forward and booped Patton back. Patton’s delighted squeal was worth it.
Tossing a few more pieces into the box, Logan debated how he would tackle the issue. He didn’t want to alarm or upset Patton, or force him to tell anything he didn’t want to. What’s more, Patton would probably deny the problem like he often did, pretending everything was fine. Getting around Patton’s emotional wall would be a challenge.
It was a good thing Logan liked challenges.
But he’d been silent for too long. Patton’s face furrowed in a frown, and he leaned forward, tapping Logan on the shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Of course,” Logan said.
“You just…kinda spaced out there for a sec.” Patton tilted his head. “Anything you wanna talk about?”
Logan closed the box. “Yes. I think so.”
“Well, then.” Patton sat on the carpet and patted the spot next to him. “I’m all ears!”
Logan hesitantly sat next to Patton. “You’re not all ears, you consist of many different organs—”
Patton giggled. “So I ‘ear.”
“Alright then.” Logan decided to let the pun slide. “Patton…I…”
“It’s okay, kiddo.” Patton’s voice was soft. “You can talk to me.”
Then Logan realized. He couldn’t think of this like a puzzle or a mystery like with Roman. Patton responded to emotion. If he wanted results, he needed to have an honest, emotional conversation.
Shit.
Well, here went nothing.
“Patton, I’m worried about you.”
Patton blinked. A startled laugh escaped his mouth. “Wha—me?”
“Yes.” Logan maintained eye contact—Patton’s eyes were blue, contrasting with his curly blond hair. They reminded Logan of freshwater pools, teeming with life, or the shade of the Earth when seen from space. “You’ve been behaving strangely, and I’m worried. Is everything alright?”
“Well, shucks!” Patton smiled. “I appreciate the concern, kiddo, but I’m doing fine-and-dandy over here. Why are you worried?”
“Because you’ve been distant.” Logan’s eyes were beginning to sting from the prolonged eye contact, but he kept looking at Patton. “You’re avoiding Roman and Virgil. You’re talking to me instead of them. They’ve noticed too, and they’re worried they did something to hurt you. Something that made you…wary. Closed-off.”
Patton’s smile faded for a second. “Ro and Virge? They think I…I’m mad at them?”
“They want to make sure you’re okay.” Logan finally dropped his gaze. “So do I.”
Patton made a little sad noise in his throat. “I…I’m not mad at them! I never meant them to think—they didn’t do anything! They’re wonderful!”
“I’m glad, and I suspected that,” Logan said. “So could you tell me, if they haven’t done anything…why are you avoiding them?”
Patton pressed his lips together. His smile was completely gone now.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready,” Logan said. Carefully, he reached out and touched Patton’s arm. “But I care about you. We care about you. If something is hurting or inhibiting you…we want to help.”
Patton gave a short, shaky nod. “I—”
“Take your time.”
“I—” Patton’s face crumpled. “I’m being stupid.”
“I hardly think so,” Logan said. “If it is distressing you, it is not stupid.”
“Right.” Patton gave a watery smile. “You know, Logan, I never told you how much I like that tie of yours! It adds a lot to your a-tie-re, you should knot think of giving it up en-tie-rly!”
Logan ran his hand down his blue tie. “Thank you, Patton.”
“You’re welcome, kiddo!”
“…but you’re deflecting,” he added softly. Carefully, letting Patton stop him if he wanted to, Logan placed his arm around Patton’s shoulders. “I’m not asking you about my tie. I’m asking about you, Patton.”
Patton’s shoulders began to shake under Logan’s arm, and before he knew it, his best friend was crying into his shirt.
Logan didn’t interrupt. He stroked Patton’s back gently, letting Patton release his tears. After a few minutes of sobbing, Patton hiccupped twice and began to apologize.
“Stop,” Logan murmured. “It’s not your fault. You needed to get that out.”
“I—” Patton began to cry again. “I’m being so selfish—they’re so nice, and wonderful, and they care about each other, they love each other, and I want them to be happy—they’re happy!—so why am I—why do I feel—"
“Breathe, Patton.” Logan lay a hand on Patton’s head and began stroking his hair. Patton clutched Logan’s polo shirt tighter, almost hugging him as he cried. At this point Patton was almost in Logan’s lap, curled into his chest, pressed against Logan’s heart.
“It’s okay,” Logan said, letting Patton’s curls cascade around his hand. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
“I’m going to ruin it for them—”
“You love them.” Logan kept his voice quiet, giving Patton a chance to back out. “Yes?”
Slowly, Patton nodded.
“Then that is not your fault,” Logan assured him. “You cannot control your feelings any more than…any more than one can stop a river from flowing. Yes, you can dam up the river, but eventually it will break through and cause more damage. The only way to deal with the problem is to go with the flow.” Logan tenderly brushed a few locks of hair from Patton’s head. “You need to ride with the current, Patton. Ignoring the problem and pushing away people you love in the process…that’s repression, and just like with the dam, it will only make things worse when emotions do break through.”
Patton gave a watery giggle. “You’re so smart, Lolo.”
Logan felt something twitch at the nickname—annoyance, probably. Annoyance that made his face burn red. But now was not the time.
“…I have to tell them, don’t I?” Patton asked quietly.
“You don’t have to do anything.” Gently, Logan took Patton’s hands and pulled them from his shirt, folding their fingers together and rubbing his thumbs over the backs of Patton’s hands. “But I would recommend it.”
Patton’s lip wobbled. “What if they hate me? Or they think I’m weird, or—”
Despite himself, Logan smiled. “Any excuse you give me, believe me. I’ve heard it before. When Virgil and Roman didn’t want to confess their feelings. I think we both know how that turned out.”
He got a small, hesitant smile in return. A smile that could outshine the sun.
“They’re so wonderful…” Patton sighed wistfully, staring into nothing. “Virgil…Roman…they just—everything they do, they’re so strong, they—you know how wonderful they are, right, Lo?”
Logan thought of Virgil’s snappy retorts, Roman’s overblown theatrics, and how they seemed to fit together like puzzle pieces. Night and day, moon and sun, yin and yang, opposites that complemented each other and helped each other grow. Virgil, with his wry smile and astute observations and sewing skills. Roman, with the theater he loved so much and the friends he loved even more, always ready to seize the day and create something new. They couldn’t see the worth within themselves, the light that shone in their eyes, but they could see each other’s. And Logan could see theirs.
“Yes, I know.” Logan smiled into Patton’s hair. “At least, I’m starting to.”
Despite Patton’s worries, the conversation went well. Roman, of course, was thrilled—he’d loved Patton for months. Virgil, although he admitted he had never thought of Patton that way, was still open to the idea. And after a few months, it was clear he was falling head-over-heels.
It was the three of them now. Virgil-Roman-Patton. Virgil and Roman’s snappy banter and nervous kisses were now complemented by Patton’s boundless compassion and propensity for snuggling. It was not uncommon for Virgil to spend the night at Roman and Patton’s apartment, the three piled on the couch amidst various blankets and pillows, The Emperor’s New Groove playing as they fell asleep.
Of course, despite Logan’s new status as the figurative Fourth Wheel—a misleading term, because four-wheeled mechanisms of transportation were far more common than three-wheeled ones—they still made sure Logan felt included. They still had movie nights, one-on-one conversations, friendly walks to the park or to the store. Logan didn’t begrudge their new need for only-the-three-of-them days. It made sense—they were dating. They wanted time on their own. And it made something in his chest loosen with warmth when he saw them together, smiling and laughing, fitting together like pieces in a puzzle. They were his friends, and he was happy they were happy. Even if ridiculous levels of PDA did make his chest sting a bit.
The day things changed wasn’t a day at all. It was a night, and it was a night in the city, and it was the night Logan realized something very important.
The problem was, it would have been a great night if he hadn’t.
It was fall. The air was nippy and chilled, leaves beginning to lose their chlorophyll and reveal the fiery shades underneath. Virgil was already counting down the days until Halloween—Logan came home from school one day to see him draping spiderwebs across every available surface, bopping along to This is Halloween.
Roman had just landed a part in a local production of Into the Woods—Prince Charming. Virgil jumped on the opportunity for a nickname and soon Prince Charming, or Princey for short, was his pet name for Roman. Roman acted offended, but it was a term of endearment and a reminder of his success as an actor, so Logan guessed he didn’t really mind.
To celebrate, Patton decided they should all go out for dinner together. He recommended a Mexican place downtown, and Virgil and Roman were thrilled. Logan, assuming it was going to be a date, didn’t respond to the invite. That got him yelled at.
Princey: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T INVITED
Princey: WE MADE THESE PLANS IN THE GROUP CHAT
Princey: THE GROUP CHAT THAT YOU ARE IN
Princey: IF WE DIDN’T WANT U, WOULD WE HAVE TOLD U WHEN/WHERE/WHY IT WAS HAPPENING?
Pattoncake: Calm down Ro!!
Pattoncake: it was just a misunderstanding
Pattoncake: but you’re coming right Lolo?
Princey: You’d better
Princey: This is a night to celebrate MY AMAZINGNESS and ALL my favorite people must be there
Emo Nightmare: if u don’t come i’ll probly end up murdering princey for singing agony too much
Princey: IT IS A GREAT SONG AND I WILL FIGHT YOU WITH MY BEAUTIFULLY MANICURED SWORD
Pattoncake: okay let’s calm down, no murder on Roro’s big night!
Emo Nightmare: ok I wont kill princey
Emo Nightmare: but ill kill L if he doesn’t show up
Pattoncake: That’s not really better.
Princey: I stand with you Virgil! The nerd shall come or be PUNISHED BY DEATH!
Emo Nightmare: yep
Pattoncake: No!!!!
Pattoncake: if he doesn’t come, that’s okay
Pattoncake: I’ll just eat all his crofters! I’m sure he won’t mind!
Emo Nightmare: holy shit patton’s bringing out the big guns
Lo-bot: Fine. I will come. Please do not threaten me or my jam.
Princey: Wait that worked?
Pattoncake: I know Lolo well!! ;)
Emo Nightmare: okay that was actually kind of terrifying
Lo-bot: Also, please stop calling me LoLo.
Emo Nightmare: quiet lolo
Princey: LMAO already changed your name
Lolo: …Pardon me while I scream.
So Logan went to the date—the not-a-date-anymore, the date-except-Logan-is-here. He met up with Patton and Roman and Virgil, the brisk autumn wind making his cheeks red, wearing a woolen greatcoat and grey checkered scarf. Virgil said he was overdressed for the temperature. Patton said he looked like Sherlock. Roman said that the eighteen-hundreds called and they wanted their nerd back.
Patton was wearing a pale blue shirt and a cardigan with soft jeans. Little cat patterns were sewed on his knees. Virgil had his usual black-and-purple hoodie, and Roman had a red-and-gold jacket over a plain white shirt. They made quite the team, walking down to the restaurant, Roman waving at everyone and Patton running up to pet every dog in the vicinity.
The restaurant’s food was delicious. They got several plates of food and shared them—a pile of roasted chicken, a bean soup, a salad, a bowl of yucca fries, and other wraps and dishes. Roman only sang Agony once, and he kept his volume low.
“What else?” Patton asked as they stretched, bellies full, and made their way to the door. “It’s dark but it’s still early.”
They decided to walk around the city for a while. The lights were on, windows glowing in the dark. Streetlights illuminated their skins, creating halos of light around Patton’s curly hair and Virgil’s smug smile and Roman’s breathless grin. The sidewalk was busy, the roads even busier, but they still had stretches to themselves. It was a wild night, the sort of night that seemed separate from any day before or after it, crisp and clear and alive.
Laughing and talking, the four walked down a few blocks. They had no destination in mind, but there was something to see around every corner. Even though Logan knew this city like the back of his hand, everything looked different in the dark.
“This is wonderful,” Patton breathed. His hand was intertwined with Virgil’s, and he was leaning slightly on Roman’s shoulder. “Thank you guys.”
“No problem, Pop Star,” Virgil muttered fondly.
“Thank you!” Roman exclaimed. “It was your idea, after all.”
Logan opened his mouth to add something, but instead, he stayed silent. He had noticed, all of a sudden, that he was slightly apart and slightly behind the three of them. They walked like a single organism, intertwined and in-step. Logan was tacked on at the end, out of sync.
Not a fourth wheel, but a fourth point on a triangle. A fourth leg on a tripod. A fourth Musketeer. There was a fourth Musketeer, he vaguely remembered from English class, but he wasn’t important. He certainly wasn’t memorable.
The Rule of Three. Everything came in threes—heaven earth underworld, comedy tragedy history, reduce reuse recycle. Virgil-Roman-Patton.
So what if he was the fourth wheel? They wanted him here. They asked him to come. They were still his best friends.
Logan shook off the thoughts and walked faster, joining up with the others again. Conversation had moved on without him, and he struggled to get a sense of the discussion.
“Anywhere we want to go?” Roman was asking.
“I need more ramen,” Virgil said.
“We’re not going grocery shopping on a date—on Roman’s day,” Patton quickly amended. Logan ignored the stab he felt at those words. “And I can just cook some real noodles for you! You need to eat healthier food anyways.”
“Ramen is healthy,” Virgil grumbled.
Logan looked around and saw a bookstore nearby. It was one of his favorites, actually, and the lights were still on. They’d been there before, the four of them looking for birthday presents for each other, hiding books behind themselves and trying to clandestinely pay for them, finding strange books and funny books and books for kids and simply having fun. Patton squealing as Roman picked him up and deposited him on a beanbag, Virgil doing a dramatic reading of Fifty Shades of Grey, Logan purchasing a Ravenclaw robe and refusing to take it off. It was one of Logan’s favorite memories, and afterwards, he’d returned to the bookstore because when he closed his eyes, he could hear their laughter and watch Patton blush and Virgil smirk and Roman gasp and all of them together.
Logan opened his mouth to suggest they go to the bookstore, but Patton had already suggested something else, and Roman was pressing a kiss to Patton’s head and leading them on, and something was twisting in Logan’s throat. Something ugly, choking, white-hot. He remained silent.
Slowly, he drifted away.
Finally he was almost six feet behind them, watching them glow in the street lights, snatches of conversation and laughter drifting back to him. He watched Virgil shove Roman and Roman shove Virgil back, Patton inserting himself between the pair and chiding them.
Logan felt…he felt like something was clawing at his insides. He felt like his breath was labored, something jammed in his throat. He felt a terrible fire kindling in his stomach, and another burning sensation around his eyes. His mouth was dry and his hands were clenched so his knuckles showed white caps of bone.
This wasn’t feeling left-out. This wasn’t just feeling like a fourth wheel. It was something more.
Carefully, Logan peeled back the anger—was it anger? Just pain? Sadness? Fear? He didn’t know, he couldn’t tell, but something was definitely hurting, shattered and broken and piercing his veins.
It was want, crawling through him.
Of course. He wanted things to be normal, he wanted them to be friends without crashing a date every time he came with. He wanted time with them, he wanted—he wanted—
He wanted to be there, under the streetlights, as Patton shivered and Roman pulled his jacket off. Soon Patton was wearing it over the cardigan, a ridiculous combination that he managed to pull off. He wanted to be with them, not six feet behind, getting no glances or acknowledgments. He wanted to slot between them like a piece to their puzzle, feel Roman’s arm as it wrapped around Patton and Virgil, link hands with Patton like Virgil did with Roman, let Patton give a kiss to his cheek like—
Oh.
Oh.
Logan stopped dead on the sidewalk.
Oh, shit.
Frantically, he tried to think of another explanation for his feelings. But now that he’d admitted even a sliver of it to himself, a figurative dam broke in his mind. Hundreds of glances, touches, flutterings in the chest, suddenly made sense. Patton, Roman, Virgil, his best friends, who he’d spent years with. Patton’s smile, Virgil’s laugh, Roman’s voice—they were as much a part of Logan as his DNA.
He loved them. He always had.
But…he didn’t just love them as friends, did he?
Friends didn’t want to hold hands with other friends. Friends didn’t want to kiss other friends. Friends didn’t want to walk down a gleaming sidewalk at night, shoulders bumping together, steps all in sync.
Logan was still motionless. Lights glowed around him, but the world seemed blurry and off-kilter. He couldn’t feel the cold on his cheeks or the warmth of his scarf. He closed his eyes and opened them. The world was still disorientating, swimming around him, lights dancing like fish in the ocean.
Up ahead, Roman-Virgil-Patton had stopped at a crosswalk. After a few seconds, Virgil looked back, probably assuming Logan was a few steps behind them. Alarm crossed his face when he realized Logan was still standing in the center of the sidewalk.
Logan tried to shake some sense into himself as Virgil approached. He couldn’t just stand there! They’d get concerned! He took a wobbly step forward, then another. His feet seemed disconnected from his ankles.
“Lo?” Virgil asked. Roman and Patton were behind him, identical expressions of worry on their faces. “Everything okay?”
Logan opened his mouth to say he was fine, they should just continue. But did he want to keep walking with them? Did he want to keep crashing their night, keep staring at what he couldn’t have? They didn’t need him here, that much was obvious. He should just make it easy on them and leave of his own accord.
“I am adequate,” Logan said. “However, I have just realized it is later than I expected. Due to my classes tomorrow that necessitate an early rise, I must ask for permission to conclude this venture.”
Here he went with the overly complex words. Although Logan had a naturally sesquipedalian nature, he noticed a marked increase in long sentences when he was nervous. Hopefully the others would dismiss the verbal tic as ‘Logan being Logan.’
Patton checked his watch and gasped. “Oh my goodness, it is late! Almost ten o’clock already! I’m so sorry, Lolo!”
“It is no trouble,” Logan assured him. “It is only natural that you lost track of time.”
Virgil shrugged. “I guess that’s it, then? We can head back.”
“Aw, come on.” Roman pouted. It looked far less cute when he did it than Patton. “Can’t Specs miss one class for me? The night’s just getting started. Who cares about proper education when you could be with us?”
“My teachers,” Logan pointed out. “And myself.”
“Boo.”
“Now, now, Roman!” Patton waggled a gloved finger at his boyfriend. “You gotta respect Lolo’s decision. He’s his own person. And he was very kind to take the evening off to support you.”
“Ugh, fine.” Roman sighed. “Let’s go back.”
Logan frowned. Something tugged at his stomach when he thought about them ending their adventure early on his account. “You can continue on without me. I do not mind.”
“No, it’s okay!” Patton smiled. “It’s about time to turn in!”
“I insist,” Logan said. “I do not want your evening to conclude preemptively due to my own scheduling.”
“It won’t be the same without you,” Roman complained.
Logan couldn’t resist snapping back. “Somehow, I doubt that.”
Virgil and Patton glanced at each other. Fortunately, they decided not to comment. Virgil only said “Be careful walking home on your own. Text me when you get back.”
“I will. Thank you for your concern.” Logan stuffed his fingers in his pockets and turned away. “I hope you have a wonderful night.”
“Bye!” Patton called, waving frantically.
“Farewell!” Roman proclaimed.
Virgil gave his customary two-fingered salute.
Logan simply raised a hand in return, turning the corner and walking out of sight.
And the universe granted him a small boon—it began to rain, softly and gently on the concrete. Soon Logan was dripping wet, droplets sliding down his face.
When he began to cry, he knew no one could tell. His tears were hidden by the rain.
So Logan Mackenzie let himself cry.
Logan could not avoid the others. He lived with Virgil, after all, and Roman and Patton both loved attention and were intuitive enough to pinpoint when something was wrong. So Logan knew it was fruitless to try and push them away. They would only get suspicious, concerned, and hurt.
Still, illogical as he knew it was, he tried.
For three days he didn’t answer his phone. He didn’t speak with Roman or Patton. When Virgil knocked on his door or asked him questions, he fielded them with monosyllabic replies and assertions of “Everything is fine, I am just caught up with studying.” Virgil didn’t buy it—of course, of course he didn’t buy it, he was so smart and perceptive and that was one of the millions of reasons Logan loved him, and here he went down that rabbit hole again.
It was like realizing his feelings had opened a figurative floodgate. Roman, Patton, and Virgil were on his mind all the time. He drank coffee and was reminded of Roman’s cocoa. He wrestled with math equations and remembered tutoring Virgil in high school. He closed his eyes at night and thought of Patton, curled up by his side.
Logan couldn’t take it.
Once in a while he checked his phone. The long lines of worried texts from Patton and Roman made something squeeze in his chest. He waited for them to inevitably peter out and stop. They didn’t.
They probably thought he was sick or dying or something. Hadn’t Virgil told them he was perfectly fine? Sure, they may have assumed he was suffering from some sort of emotional problem, but did that really deserve all this concern?
Finally, after a particularly desperate bout of texting around midnight, Logan wrote back. He kept it short and simple.
Lolo: In response to your queries, I am doing well. Please cease your attempts to contact me. Thank you.
Logan honestly didn’t expect them to write back. He’d given them an easy out from the situation. They no longer had to feel guilty about him and could go about their lives.
But—
Princey: WHAT
Pattoncake: Kiddo are u okay?
Princey: LOGAN WE’RE NOT GONNA STOP WHAT
Pattoncake: u know we love u, right?
Emo Nightmare: call me
Pattoncake: you’re our friend
Princey: YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT
Emo Nightmare: logan please call me
Emo Nightmare: now
Logan swallowed. Slowly, he dialed Virgil’s number.
Virgil picked up on the first ring. “Dude, what the hell?”
“I—”
“No. Shut up. I’m going to keep talking.” Virgil paused and sighed. “L…we’re really worried about you.”
“Where are you?” Logan asked.
“Ro and Pat’s.”
Logan bit his lip. “Of course.”
“I can come home.” A loud rustling sounded from Virgil’s end. “I’m putting on my jacket, I can be there in ten—”
“Not necessary, Virgil.” Logan ran his fingers through his hair. He’d prefer it if he didn’t have to see Virgil’s face at all, with the soft purple bangs hanging over his dark eyes and the light freckles he pretended he didn’t have and—
Off topic.
“I just…” Virgil’s voice was soft and concerned, and Logan cursed himself for making that worry appear. “This is so sudden, L. Did we do something? Are you mad?”
“I’m not mad!” Logan hastily said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then what?” Virgil asked. “I…look, L, if we made you feel—uncomfortable, or anything, I’m sorry…”
“Uncomfortable?”
“You seemed pretty out-of-it when we celebrated with Roman, I guess I just assumed.” Virgil paused. “You’re my friend too, and I care about you. No matter if I’m dating you or not.”
“Right.” Logan swallowed. “What about Patton and Roman?”
“What about them?” Virgil asked incredulously. “They’ve been texting you frantically for the past three days, Patton’s stressbaked enough food to end world hunger twice over, and Roman’s temper is on a hair trigger. You really think they don’t feel the same way I do?”
Logan ran his thumb across his phone case. “No, I—”
“You what, L?” Virgil’s voice dropped. “Please. I’m worried about you. Just…talk to me.”
What could Logan say? That he suddenly realized he had been harboring crushes on his three best friends for perhaps a year and a half? That he didn’t want to see them again because it would only deepen the infatuation and he was bound to give himself away or look like a fool? That he didn’t want to make his friends uncomfortable, because it would be nothing but awkward if the truth did come to light?
“It’s complicated.” Logan sighed. “I…I have a few things I need to figure out, Virgil. Just…can you give me some more time? A week?” That wouldn’t be enough time to suffocate his affections entirely, but it could allow him to think of a better game plan. “Stay at Patton and Roman’s apartment for a while. I know you do that often anyway. I just…I need some time alone.”
Virgil was silent for a few seconds. “Can you promise Patton’s three rules? You’re not hurting anyone, no one’s hurting you, you’re not hurting yourself?”
Logan channeled all his certainty into his voice. “No one is being harmed. This is not a matter of such grave importance. It is just an—identity issue.”
“Well, alright. If you say you need it.” Virgil didn’t sound fully convinced. “You can always call me or Pat, okay? There’s extra food in the freezer, make sure you have your full meals and go to bed at a reasonable time, okay?”
“Virgil, it is currently one in the morning.”
Virgil paused. “Huh. So it is.”
Logan clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter.
“Whatever. My point still stands. Go to bed.” Logan could almost hear Virgil’s smirk. “Always keeping me on my toes, aren’t you, L?”
“You don’t need any help with that,” Logan said.
“True, I’ve got the anxiety.” Virgil clicked his tongue. “So…well…I guess that’s that, then? Call me anytime, eat your veggies, brush your teeth, listen to your parents?”
Logan huffed. “I should be telling you that instead.”
“Shut up,” Virgil said. “You’ll be okay?”
“I…” Logan hesitated. “I hope so.”
“Me too,” Virgil muttered. “Because I love Patton’s baking, I promise, but I’ve eaten more cookies than should be humanly possible. I don’t think my hoodie will fit anymore.”
Logan laughed again. “I will take that into account.”
“All right.” Virgil’s voice dipped. “Love you, L.”
It was a simple phrase. They said it all the time, platonically. It was a way of expressing affection, and although Logan had trouble verbalizing feelings and Virgil had trouble showing emotional vulnerability, they had both gotten better at the phrase over the years. It slipped out easily now, with barely a second thought. Of course he loved Virgil. And Patton and Roman.
But in light of recent revelations, even such a simple phrase made Logan’s heart simultaneously speed up and stop altogether. These cardiopulmonary abnormalities were highly irritating.
“I…” Logan’s mouth was dry. “Thank you, Virgil.”
Before Virgil could respond, he tapped the End Call button and tossed his phone on the desk, closing his eyes and rubbing his hand down his nose. That was a disastrous phone call if he’d ever participated in one.
At least he got a week to figure things out. Perhaps he could find a way to hide his feelings or better yet, get rid of them altogether. Perhaps he could land a job in Tokyo and move across the world and never have to face them again.
Perhaps he was being a tad dramatic.
A week without the others. This would be good for him, he told himself. He would enjoy it. It didn’t matter that he found himself dreading a week without Virgil’s dry sarcasm and tendency to sit everywhere except on chairs, Roman’s incessant singing of Disney songs and inability to remember history if it wasn’t events in Hamilton or Les Miserables, or Patton’s favorite cat hoodie and his weekly “experiment” meals where he added lots of cumin or onion to a dish and the others had to taste the aftermath. It didn’t matter that he would eat alone, do his homework alone, watch movies alone. That was exactly what he wanted.
Suddenly, the apartment felt very empty.
Logan turned off his lights, changed into his pajamas, and tucked himself into bed. It was a long time before he slept.
He did not spend a week alone.
He spent the first four days of the week alone, burying himself in his studies and rereading Murder on the Orient Express whenever he got too bored. Despite his promise to Virgil, he stayed up later and later and mostly ate energy bars, leftover ramen, and a few strawberries from a jumbo pack of strawberries Patton had bought. Virgil did not call or text him. Roman called him once, leaving a voicemail that said “Is the Mona Lisa only famous because it was stolen? Virgil and I disagree on the matter.” Logan did not call him back.
Patton kept texting him, however. Perhaps Virgil hadn’t explained that Logan wanted to be left alone, or perhaps Patton had simply disregarded the instructions entirely. Whatever the case, Patton continued to send him Patton Texts™ at random times. A Patton Text™ was a text sent with the express purpose of cheering someone up, usually consisting of a cute animal picture, a clean meme, a fun news story, a dad joke, or, occasionally, a dirty meme. Patton Texts™ didn’t require a response, a purpose, or any sort of context. They just existed. It was, Logan had to admit, rather sweet.
On the fourth day, Logan woke up to a photo of a kitten with its head stuck inside a box, a horrible pun (What do you call a country where everyone drives a pink automobile? A pink carnation!) and a reminder that he needed to ‘TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR I WILL PHYSICALLY FIGHT U.’ Throughout the day, Patton sent him several cute cat videos. Despite himself, Logan always paused and watched them.
One part of him whispered that Patton only watched cat videos when he was sad. Logan tried his best to ignore that part.
It was late that evening when he got a text. Assuming it was another Patton Text™, Logan paused the documentary he was watching and pulled out his phone. However, it wasn’t Patton. It was a direct text from Virgil.
Virgil Conroy: L call me
Logan frowned. Why was Virgil contacting him? He had promised to respect his wishes. He wouldn’t text him unless—
Unless something was seriously wrong.
Quickly dialing Virgil’s number, Logan sprung up from the couch and tugged on his shoes.
It took five rings for Virgil to respond. When Logan said “Hello?” he got no answer.
“Virgil?” Logan asked. Listening closely, he could hear Virgil’s breathing. It was far too fast and frantic. In the distance, there was a loud thud, then another. Virgil began to breathe even faster.
“Virgil, can I assume you are suffering from an anxiety attack?”
There was no response.
“Virgil.” Logan grabbed his keys and dashed out the door, practically flying down the steps. “Tap the phone once for no and twice for yes.”
A pause, then a hesitant tap. Then another.
“Okay.” Logan walked down the sidewalk, weaving around people and taking the crosswalks at a run. “Can you breathe for me? In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8?”
A shuddering, deep breath. Logan started counting, still going as fast as he could. He barely needed to focus on the route—he knew the way to Patton’s apartment as well as the way to his own.
“You’re doing so great,” Logan said, rounding a corner. “You’re doing wonderfully, Virgil. Can you tell me five things you can see?”
“Um—” Virgil’s voice was shaky. “Uh, floor. Bed. My…my Nightmare Before Christmas posters. Window. Door.”
“Good. Four things you can feel?”
“Hoodie.” Virgil swallowed. “Floor. H-hair. Um…tears?”
“Okay.” Logan watched the traffic lights and bolted for the other side as soon as the walk signal glowed white. “Three things you can hear.”
“Traffic outside. B-birds.” Virgil sniffed. “Roman throwing stuff in the bedroom.”
That wasn’t good. Logan kept his voice level. “Two things you can smell?”
“Popcorn and burnt cookies?”
“And one thing you can taste.”
Virgil sighed. “Popcorn.”
“Great.” Logan slowed down as a mass of people crowded past him. “How do you feel?”
“N-not great, L. Obviously.” Virgil chuckled. “Um. Sorry for texting you, it was on instinct, I know you didn’t want to be bothered—”
“It is no trouble,” Logan insisted. “Your wellbeing is extremely important to me and I am glad I could assist.”
“Huh.”
“Virgil?” Logan asked.
“Yeah?”
“You do not have to, but…could you tell me what happened?”
Logan heard Virgil shift. “Argument,” he finally said. “Bad one.”
“Oh.”
“Ro and Pat were yelling a lot. I think Pat started crying. He’s in the bathroom now, I wanted to help him but all the yelling set me off, and—”
“Take a deep breath,” Logan said. “You did everything you could. Taking care of yourself is important, and you were very brave in reaching out. I’m—I’m proud of you.”
A siren wailed next to Logan as he jogged down the sidewalk. He was only a minute from Virgil’s apartment now.
“What was that?” Virgil asked.
“Siren.”
“Wh—” Virgil paused. “L, where are you?”
“I—” Logan looked around. “Oak Street?”
“Why on earth are you—”
“Give me a second, all right?” Logan pulled the phone from his ear. “I’ll talk in a second.”
Then he ran, leaping over cracks in the sidewalk and hurtling past trees, ignoring the confused looks of bystanders. The streetlights flashed above him, the sidewalk sparkling in the neon glow. Cars raced past him, careening through the night, headlights illuminating the haze. The windows and doors of the city rowhomes blurred together.
Finally, Logan skidded to a stop and climbed up the stairs to a brownstone at the end of the road. Slipping his hand under the small dog statue, he grabbed the key and turned it in the lock. The hallway was empty as he crept past the downstairs apartments, taking the stairs two at a time.
Patton’s apartment was unlocked. Logan didn’t bother knocking. The living room was empty, the TV still playing a paused scene from Lilo & Stitch, an abandoned popcorn bowl and pile of blankets on the couch. The kitchen lights were on, a few cookies left on the stove. The bathroom and bedroom doors were closed. A loud thump came from the bedroom on the far side. It sounded like someone punching a pillow, and indeed, that was probably the cause.
Logan pulled out his phone again. Talking quietly so as not to disturb anyone, he asked Virgil, “You’re in the bedroom?”
“Yeah—”
Logan walked forward and knocked on the bedroom door.
There was shuffling behind it, Virgil muttered “Just a sec,” and the door was opened. Virgil stood there, hoodie half-fallen from his shoulders, eyes red and hair mussed. He looked Logan up and down, mouth falling open.
“Did you—run here?”
Logan shrugged. Now that he was standing still, he realized how out-of-breath he was. “Yes.”
“I…” Virgil stared at him. “Wow.”
“You…” Logan reached out. “May I touch you?”
“Yeah.”
Logan placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “How do you feel now?”
“Better.” Virgil fidgeted with the sleeve of his hoodie, but Logan noticed he leaned into the touch. “Definitely calmer. I—hearing your voice helped.”
“I’m glad I could assist.” Logan pressed a thumb gently into Virgil’s back. “Can I get you some tea? You can sit on the couch while I make it, maybe listen to some music?”
Virgil paused and nodded.
“Good.” Logan led Virgil to the couch and gave him a few of the blankets and pillows. Virgil rolled his eyes but dutifully cozied up in the corner. Logan spared a moment to appreciate the adorableness of Virgil curled up like a burrito, pulling on his headphones, before he was off to the kitchen and brewing some tea. Chamomile, he decided, would be just the thing. As the water boiled, he pulled out his phone again and texted Patton.
Lolo <3: Patton, could you come out of the bathroom? I am making Virgil some tea and I assume you could benefit from it as well.
After a minute, his phone vibrated with a response.
Patton O’Rourke: ur here????
Patton O’Rourke: I thought u were havin alone time
Lolo <3: Circumstances change. Please emerge whenever you are comfortable.
Logan returned to the tea, finding four mugs and setting them out. Behind him, he heard a door creak open. Without turning around, he said, “Hello, Patton.”
“H-hey, Lolo.” Patton shuffled forward. “I can help with the tea.”
“That is fine,” Logan said, shooting Patton a reassuring smile. “Thank you for the offer, but I would rather you just sit with Virgil. I’m sure he’d love the company.”
Patton looked apprehensively at Virgil, as if afraid he would deny it. Virgil gave Patton a small wave and scooted over on the couch. Patton delicately sat on the other end, clutching his hoodie.
Soon the teapot whistled and Logan poured the tea into the four mugs. Bringing three of them to the couch, he handed one to Virgil and one to Patton. The third he placed on the coffee table.
“Is that for you?” Patton asked.
“Roman.”
Virgil gave Logan a disbelieving look. “He’s been throwing shit around for the past half an hour. You’re not getting him out for tea, dude.”
“Not immediately, no.” Logan sat on the floor across from them. “Drink. It’ll help.”
Virgil sipped at his tea. Patton stared into the mug and didn’t move.
“Patton?” Logan reached forward and placed a hand on his leg. “Would you like to talk?”
“I—” Patton clenched his teeth. “No, I—I’m fine—”
“Patton.” Logan stood up again and sat next to Patton on the couch. “You just went through an upsetting situation and many harsh words may have been exchanged. It is perfectly reasonable—in fact, it is encouraged—to react and experience emotions about this event.”
Patton shivered. “I—”
“Would you like me to hug you?”
Patton paused and nodded.
Logan carefully placed an arm around Patton’s shoulders, taking the mug of chamomile tea from his hand. Virgil politely avoided staring as Patton fell into Logan’s side, burying his face in Logan’s shirt. His shoulders began to shake, and Logan heard him start to cry.
Tilting himself carefully, Logan pulled Patton into his lap and placed a hand behind his head. One traitorous part of himself noticed how close they were, but Logan successfully shunned it. Patton seemed very small in his arms.
“Thank you, Patton,” Logan murmured.
Patton hiccupped. “F-for what?”
“For crying. It sounds like you need this, and I’m proud of your ability to release your emotions.”
“Sure.” Patton laughed bitterly into Logan’s chest. “You’re proud of the fact I can cry. That says a lot about me, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, but that is not necessarily a negative thing.” Logan reached over and began stroking Patton’s hair. “You have struggled with this in the past, and for you, this is an achievement. That doesn’t mean you’re lesser than anyone else. Your problems are your problems. Everyone has issues with some things.” Logan smiled. “Look at me, for instance.”
“If you—” Patton sniffled. “Talk bad…I will fight…”
“I know.” On instinct, Logan leaned forward and placed a kiss on Patton’s forehead.
“Why don’t we leave that for later, okay? For now, do you think you could give Virgil a turn? Though I love cuddling with you, I need to check on Roman.”
Patton didn’t move. “Virgil…don’t wanna…wanna bother…”
“He’s right here, Patton.” Logan glanced at Virgil, who was still pointedly giving them space. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”
“He…” Patton hiccupped again. “Is he mad?”
“What?” Virgil gave up on pretending to ignore them. “Pat, no!”
“I know we…we were really loud…” Patton began to cry again. “And you got upset, and I couldn’t check on you…and I w-would understand if you h-hated me, we w-were s-stupid…I-I…”
Virgil looked shocked. “God, Pat, are you kidding? I couldn’t hate you!”
Patton simply cried louder.
“Can I…?” Virgil motioned to Patton, and Logan carefully uncurled Patton’s arms from his torso and shifted him down the couch to Virgil. Virgil reached out and Patton immediately collapsed into him, tucking his head into Virgil’s shoulder.
“Oh, Pat.” Virgil rubbed Patton’s back. “You made a mistake, but that’s okay. I’m not mad. I could never be mad at you, you’re the best fucking boyfriend ever. Don’t tell Roman.”
Patton looked up and gave a watery chuckle. “L-language, kiddo.”
“There he is. There’s my favorite Pat.” Virgil smiled softly and wiped a tear from Patton’s face. “I love you, okay?”
Patton smiled back and snuggled into Virgil’s hoodie. “Love you too.”
Logan quickly looked away, ignoring the rush of emotions in his stomach. Getting to his feet, he took the final mug from the coffee table and headed to the bedroom. The door was locked and he could hear nothing behind it.
Logan knocked on the door. “Roman?”
No response.
“Roman, could you please open the door?”
After a pause, someone mumbled “Go ‘way, Virgil.”
“This is not Virgil,” Logan said. “This is Logan.”
He jumped out of the way as the door flew open. Roman stood there, pajamas rumpled and eyes red, looking at Logan like he was the reincarnation of Nikola Tesla.
“Where—” Roman closed his eyes and opened them again. “When did you get here?”
“A few minutes ago. Virgil texted me.” Logan held out the mug. “Would you like some tea?”
Roman squinted suspiciously at the tea. “What kind?”
“Chamomile. I thought it would help calm everyone down.”
“Oh, that’s my favorite—” Abruptly, Roman shook his head. “No! I’m mad at you!”
“You are?” Logan kept his voice level.
“Yeah!”
“I was unaware.” Logan glanced towards Patton and Virgil, but they didn’t seem disturbed by the yelling. Virgil had slipped his headphones over Patton’s ears and was watching him fondly. “Why are you angry with me?”
Roman folded his arms and his face flushed. “’Cause you’re a fucking asshole!”
Logan raised an eyebrow. “Interesting. Why do you think of me this way?”
“Don’t give me that sarcastic shit.”
“I was not intending to be sarcastic.” Logan waved a hand at himself. “You know I am not the best with sarcasm.”
“Shut up!”
Logan mimed zipping his lips and tossing the figurative key.
Roman rubbed his eyes. “You just waltz in here after like eternity days and knock on my door like ‘Hey what’s up remember me I exist.’ Like, what the fuck, Specs?”
“Unless I was mistaken, you agreed to the temporary separation,” Logan said. “Could you explain why it upset you?”
“I’m not upset!” Roman snapped. “I’m pissed! Can’t you tell?”
Logan looked at the tear tracks running down Roman’s face and his angry red snarl. “The two things are not mutually exclusive.”
“Get out of here with your science talk!” Roman growled. “Actually, hey, good idea! Get the fuck out in general. Leave.”
“Patton and Virgil wish me to be here,” Logan said, taking a deep breath and retaining his calm tone. Getting exercised would do no one any good. “Unless you have a solid reason for my departure, I shall remain.”
Roman frowned and violently scrubbed at his eyes. “I don’t want you here.”
“I’ve gathered.” Logan clasped the mug of tea in both hands, steam warming his fingers. “I understand your feelings about the situation. But I would like to understand the cause better. Why did my abstaining from social contact upset you?”
“’Cause you can’t just do that!” Roman burst out. “You can’t just up and walk out of the friend group! It’s not a normal thing to do!”
“Were you worried about me?” Logan asked. “Were you worried about my emotional or physical wellbeing? You should know that if something was seriously wrong, I would always tell you and the others.”
“I know, I—” Roman sighed. “I just—it came out of nowhere.” His voice tightened. “And what am I supposed to think? That you suddenly decided you wanted to be a hermit?” Roman’s hands balled into a fist. “I just don’t get it! If I did something wrong, have the fucking decency to admit it to my face!”
The last sentence was almost a shout. Virgil looked over at Logan, concern in his eyes. Logan gave him a reassuring nod before turning back to Roman, who looked about to throw something.
“Is that the problem?” Logan asked. “Do you think it was your actions that led to the situation?”
Roman glared at him.
“It wasn’t your fault, Roman.” Logan took a step forward, and Roman’s hands dug into the doorframe. “It was a personal issue of mine and I should have conveyed that better.”
Roman’s glare deepened.
“Is that what led to the argument?” Logan murmured. “Because you don’t need to stake your personal worth on my actions. I currently, and have always, considered you an amiable companion and a wonderful friend.”
Something in Roman’s expression broke.
Logan carefully set the mug down on the carpet. “Roman, would you like a hug?”
Roman eyed him warily. Logan opened his arms.
Roman rocketed into his grasp, grabbing at his shirt and burying his face in Logan’s shoulder.
“Alright. Alright.” Taking a page out of Virgil’s book, Logan rubbed circles on Roman’s back. “I have you, okay? I’ve got you.”
“I—” Roman’s voice choked up, and now he was crying. He cried differently than Patton, loudly and almost dramatically. “I—I th-thought you decided you d-didn’t like us anymore—I thought I—d-did something—you f-finally got t-tired of me—”
“I could never get tired of you,” Logan said. “Who else can debate about iambic pentameter with me? Patton still thinks it’s a weird flavor of ice cream.”
Roman gave a choked laugh that soon dissolved into more sobs.
“I love you,” Logan said, ignoring the flip in his stomach. “I love you, Roman. I love all of you.” His heart ached to leave it there, but his traitorous mouth added “You are my best friends.”
Roman’s hands squeezed tighter around Logan’s waist. Logan slipped one of his hands under Roman’s and grasped it lightly.
“Do you want to go to the couch now?” Logan asked. “You are rather heavy and I feel we could best continue this hug sitting down and perhaps with your boyfriends.”
Roman froze. “I don’t wanna.”
“Are you worried they’ll be mad at you?”
The way Roman pressed his face into Logan’s shoulder was answer enough.
“Virgil! Patton!” Logan called. Virgil looked over and Patton took off his headphones. “Roman has something he would like to say to you.”
“I d-do?”
“Yes.” Logan pulled his chin up. “You will apologize, and they will forgive you. Then you can cuddle together.”
“I—” Roman glanced at the others. “I—Pat? Virge?”
“Yeah, kiddo?”
“I—” His face crumpled. “I’m so sorry, I—I got insecure and I was mean to you and I love you, I love you so much, I’m so sorry—”
Patton smiled. “I love you too, Ro. I forgive you—if you’ll forgive me?”
Roman wiped his eyes. “Of course.”
Virgil gave him a half smile. “It’s alright, Princey. I’m an idiot sometimes too.”
“C’mon over!” Patton added. “There’s more than enough room.”
Logan nodded, picking the mug back up and placing it in Roman’s hand. “Go ahead.”
With a grateful glance, Roman shuffled over to the couch. Patton held out an arm and Roman fell next to him, cuddling into his side. Virgil smiled and took Roman’s hand.
Logan spared a moment to watch them curl closer—they were so sweet—then walked over to the TV.
“You’ll probably be tired,” he said, grabbing the remote and closing Lilo & Stitch. “So we should put on something relaxing so you can fall asleep. Do you want to try a nature documentary? I find them quite calming in times of distress, as long as we choose to avoid the parts about global warming. Here’s an episode about lemurs. Would you like to watch that?”
Patton nodded, already dozing off in Virgil’s arms. Roman gave Logan a thumbs up.
Logan started the player. “Okay. Since you’ll be falling asleep here, we should minimize the uncomfortable nature of the couch.” He walked down the hallway and opened the linen closet, bringing back some extra blankets, comforters, and pillows. “Feel free to use these. If Virgil wishes, I can bring him anything he needs from our apartment. I’m aware you already have your headphones, but do you want your weighted blanket?”
Virgil paused and shook his head.
“Alright, thank you for clarifying.” Logan turned down the brightness of the TV. “That won’t hurt your eyes as much—Patton, take off your glasses, there you go—and I can turn off the lights throughout the apartment and lock the door on the way out. Is there anything else you need?”
Roman took a sip of tea, pulling a blanket over his legs. “Um, I think we’re good, Specs.”
“Lolo?” Patton shifted, hair covering his face. “Can I—um, I’d like—”
Logan smiled. “Let me guess. Your panda pillow?”
Patton smiled back.
“Of course. I’ll be right back.” Logan walked into Patton’s bedroom and took the soft panda pillow from the bed. Patton immediately brightened when he saw it and tucked it under his head, nestling into place with a soft sigh. The three of them were entangled now, legs intertwined. Patton rested on Virgil’s shoulder, Roman curled into Patton’s side, and Virgil’s arm stretched across the back of the sofa so he could hold hands with Roman.
“Is everyone all set to go?”
Roman sleepily nodded. The TV showed lemurs hopping back and forth. Virgil’s headphones were on again, his eyes trained on the screen.
“Good.” Logan turned off the kitchen lights and closed the open doors. “Then I will be going. I hope you have a pleasant rest and you can call me if you need me.”
Patton shifted, frowning. “You’re…leaving?”
“Well, yes.” Logan pressed his lips together. “The problem is concluded to the best of my ability, so I assumed I would take my leave.”
Virgil met his eyes. “Stay? Please?”
Heat seared across Logan’s face as Patton reached out and made little grabby hands.
Sighing—he couldn’t tell them no, he knew that, it was a physically impossible concept when they were so sleepy and soft and adorable and Newton was he hopeless—Logan moved back over and carefully placed his glasses on the coffee table. Patton tugged him into the pile of blankets, and after a few moments of maneuvering, Logan was secured firmly in the middle of the couch. On his left, Patton cuddled up to him, pressing into his shoulder and humming with contentment. Roman wrapped an arm around his shoulders and Virgil gave Logan’s hair a ruffle. On the screen, the narrator talked about the eating habits of lemurs. Everything was a blur without his glasses. The blankets and pillows were soft and warm and heavy. Patton was breathing slowly, his hair rustling with each exhale. Roman was watching the lemurs, a small smile on his face. Virgil closed his eyes and bobbed his head to his music.
Logan hadn’t realized how tired he was. It was probably the lack of sleep and his ruined circadian rhythms. Definitely not the comforting weight of others near him, reminding him that he was safe, not alone, loved.
Closing his eyes, Logan succumbed to sleep.
Logan wasn’t really awake.
He wasn’t asleep either, because he could hear Virgil shift and the strains of the credit sequence for the TV show—it wasn’t the same show he’d left on, he noticed, so time must have passed. But he was tired, and warm, and happy, and he didn’t want to open his eyes. He just wanted to sink back into sleep. The blankets were heavy around him, something soft was under his head, a comforting weight in his hair and oh, it was moving, someone was scratching his head, why hadn’t he tried this before it felt absolutely heavenly—
The fingers pressed into his scalp and Logan whined, leaning into the touch. When was the last time he let someone near him? He’d started refusing hugs a while ago after the three of them started dating. He didn’t realize he missed it so much.
Someone chuckled above him. “You’re so adorable when you’re sleeping.”
“Who’s adorable?” said another sleepy voice.
“Look at Logan.”
A muffled squeal came from his left. “Aww, he’s all curled up!”
“Watch this,” Roman said—that was Roman, right? Oh no, was he cuddling with Roman? He needed to wake up, he needed to stop being in this compromising position—
Roman was scratching his head again, and all coherent and rational thought flew out the figurative window.
Logan whined again. He couldn’t help himself. Patton squealed even louder. “He’s so adorable!”
“I know, right?” Roman’s voice was softer than Logan had ever heard, except maybe when addressing Virgil or Patton. “He’s the cutest.”
“And so helpful,” Patton added. “We need to thank him later, guys. Like, serious surprise party thank-you cookies and fun-times thank you.”
“He fixed everything, didn’t he? He knew exactly how to help.” Roman shifted, and before Logan knew it, he’d gotten a small kiss on the bridge of his nose. “Thanks for everything, you amazing little nerd.”
“Yeah,” Virgil said. Right—Virgil. Virgil was there. His voice was hoarse with sleep. “I don’t know what we’d do without him—”
Virgil paused.
“Kiddo?” Patton asked. “You alright?”
“Shit.”
“What?” Roman asked, jostling Logan. “What’s wrong?”
“I—” Virgil hesitated. “I think I figured something out.”
“What is it?” Patton asked.
And Logan tried to prick his ears for the answer, but sleep overcame him again, and he fell into darkness with Roman holding him upright.
Logan needed coffee.
Extricating himself from the blankets, he saw that Virgil, Patton, and Roman had already left the couch and were discussing something in one corner of the kitchen. Blearily, he wiped his eyes and placed his glasses on his face. The sharper focus revealed a pensive look on Virgil’s face, an excited look on Patton’s, and a nervous look on Roman’s.
Logan stumbled to his feet and headed for the coffee maker. Their conversation was none of his business. He also had a vague memory of cuddling up to Roman, which made his face flush every time he recalled it, so he would rather avoid talking to them until the embarrassment wore off.
The conversation abruptly stopped when Logan approached. That was odd, but Logan was too sleepy to remark on it. Wow, was it nine o’clock already? Good thing he had no classes until three.
Filling a mug with coffee, he downed a few mouthfuls and felt the caffeine buzz through him. Feeling more awake, he turned to the others, only to find they were staring at him.
“What?” he asked self-consciously. He touched his hair to see if it was mussed. It was. He combed it roughly with his fingers, but a few locks still stuck up in the air.
“Um—” Roman squeaked. “Nothing!”
“Do I have something on my face?” Logan looked between Patton, who had a sheepish grin, Roman, who was blushing furiously, and Virgil, who stared at the ground. “What is happening?”
“Just tell him how you feel,” Virgil muttered to himself, clenching his fists. “There’s no good reason not to.”
“What?” Logan placed his coffee on the counter. “Is everything alright? Is there a problem?”
“L?” Virgil glanced at the others, who gave him encouraging glances. “I—we. We need to tell you something.”
“Yes?”
“Well.” Virgil fiddled with his jacket. “I guess I’ll just spit it out then? I…we…why did you make me do this, guys? I’m terrible at it!”
Roman snorted. “Well, I’m certainly not doing it!”
“You can do this, kiddo.” Patton smiled at Virgil. “We’ve got your back.”
“Take your time, Virgil.” Logan looked at him with concern. “There’s no pressure.”
“I just—” Virgil screwed his eyes shut. “I don’t want this to ruin anything.”
“I doubt it would ruin anything,” Logan said. “Unless you’ve committed a serious felony or have secretly been a flat-earther this entire time, I think our relationship will survive.”
Roman snickered.
“Right. Okay.” Virgil bit his lip. “Well. On the subject of—relationships…”
Logan nodded and ignored the jolt that passed through his subjects.
“It’s like a Band-Aid, you’ve just got to rip it off.” Virgil clenched his fists. “Weallfiguredoutwekindasortalikeyoumorethanafriend!”
Logan blinked. “What?”
“We like you,” Patton clarified. “Romantically.”
“Oh, there you are,” Virgil mumbled, eyes still closed. “You couldn’t have stepped in earlier?”
Logan’s brain seemed to have short-circuited. Logan.exe had crashed. “What?”
“I don’t know how we could make it clearer, Specs.” Roman was smiling, but his tone betrayed a hint of nervousness. “You’re cute and we wanna date you.”
“Only if you want to!” Patton added hastily. “We don’t want to pressure you into anything and I know you probably don’t think of us that way, or at least not all of us, but we thought we should clear the air and admit it.”
Logan opened his mouth and closed it.
“So…” Virgil shifted. “Yeah, L. What they said.”
Finally, Logan found his voice. “How long?”
“What?” Patton asked.
“How long have you…felt this way?”
Roman laughed. “About two years? I fell for you when I fell for the others. It was all three of you at once—a triple-whammy crush cavalcade, if you will. It was a nightmare.”
“Two years?” Logan repeated. “Why didn’t you mention it?”
“I felt awkward about it.” Roman shrugged, looking away. “And you made it very clear you didn’t like me back.”
Hell no. I would never want to date you. You’re just not my type.
Shit.
“I started more recently, I think?” Patton tapped his chin. “Soon after Roman and Virgil and I started dating. It was lovely, but I always felt like something—someone—was missing.” He shot Logan a soft smile. “Turns out it was you, Lolo.”
“I…er, I only figured it out last night.” Virgil shrugged sheepishly. “But yeah. For a while, probably. Maybe even before Roman. You’ve just—you’ve always been there, constant, and…I guess I never knew how much I relied on that. I—yeah. You’re—yeah.” He rubbed his blushing face. “Sorry, I’m—I’m bad with words.”
Logan tried to wrangle his thoughts into a coherent sentence, but his cheeks were burning, his chest was flaming, and his eyes were stinging.
“So that’s that, I guess?” Roman rubbed at his arm. “You don’t—you don’t have to like us back, dude. We just wanted to get that out in the open. Like you advised, I guess.”
“Yeah,” Patton agreed with a smile. “Can you imagine if we just bottled up our feelings and avoided the situation altogether? You’d be very disappointed in us, Lolo.”
Logan stared at him. Laughter bubbled up in his throat, and before he could stop himself, he began to chuckle.
“What is it?” Roman asked.
Logan shook his head, laughing harder. He grabbed onto the counter for support as he cracked up. His eyes were leaking fluid now as he doubled over.
“What happened?” Virgil asked. “L, you good?”
“I—give me a sec—” Logan tried to pull himself together, but soon he lost it again. “I—the irony, I can’t believe this—”
“Um…” Roman frowned. “Much as I hate to interrupt a laugh session, especially because this is undeniably endearing, could you enlighten us on the cause of this ruckus? Or have you just gone full Joker?”
“I-I’m fine—” Logan kept laughing, rubbing at his eyes.
“Uh, you sure, kiddo?” Patton said, his voice far too concerned for the situation. “’Cause, um, you’re—"
A tear slipped down his face, and oh. He wasn’t laughing anymore. He was crying.
“L?” Virgil asked.
Logan was crying openly now. He covered his face with his sleeve and tried to wipe away the tears, but whenever one dried, another fell. His face felt hot and sick and disgusting. He wanted to stop crying, to stop looking so foolish in front of them, but his breath refused to be caught and his crying refused to cease.
He didn’t even know why he was crying. This was good news! There was nothing to be sad about!
“Lo?” Patton stepped forward, arms open. “Do you need a hug? It looks like you need a hug.”
Logan couldn’t speak, but he managed a nod.
And Patton was hugging him, cradling him against his chest and the contact just made Logan cry harder because this is what he could have had, this is what he was missing—
“I’m an idiot,” Logan choked out. “I am a complete, foolish idiot.”
“What?” Roman asked. “How dare you slander yourself like this! I don’t quite know why you’re saying that, or why you started crying, but I can assure you that you are a very smart human!”
“You don’t get it.” Logan wiped his eyes. For some reason, he was still smiling. Was he happy? Were these happy tears? He felt terrible, but there was a glow in his chest and he couldn’t stop smiling.
“What don’t we get?” Patton asked, squeezing his shoulders.
“I—” Logan looked around at them all, concerned and compassionate and beautiful. “I’ve been in love with the three of you for more than a year.”
Roman made a noise like a squeaky toy being stepped on.
“What?” Virgil stared him down. “You’re kidding.”
Weakly, Logan shook his head.
“But…” Patton frowned. “Lolo, you got us all together!”
“Y-yes.” Logan scrubbed his face. “You seemed happy with each other, I was glad to play the figurative matchmaker if it was what you wanted.”
Patton pressed a hand to his mouth, eyes wide.
“Shit, L.” Virgil shook his head. “Shit.”
“What did we do to deserve you?” Roman mumbled.
“In fairness,” Logan said, “I only figured it out last week.”
“A-at Roman’s evening?” Patton looked about to cry as well. “I—I thought you were acting off, I didn’t realize—”
“That’s why you avoided us, wasn’t it?” Roman seemed to search Logan’s face for denial. When he found none, his face crumpled. “You avoided us because you liked us?”
“I—I did not want things to become awkward between us. I wanted time to sort things out and see if those feelings would—” Logan waved a hand. “Dissipate of their own accord. But I was too far gone, and I—then you called me, and I couldn’t leave you alone, I couldn’t—”
“Shit,” Virgil said again.
“You know,” Patton said with a soft smile, “if you’d have just taken your own smart advice, we could have started dating weeks ago. Maybe even months.”
“Doubtful,” Logan admitted. “Feelings are not my strong suit. I would not have figured it out any earlier than I did.”
“And that’s okay.” Virgil reached forward and took Logan’s hand. “You’re doing alright, L. Better than alright.”
“You got us together, after all!” Roman agreed. “Even if that was unnecessarily self-sacrificing on your part. And you helped us last night, too. I suppose only one question remains…”
“Will you,” Patton finished, “consider being our boyfriend?”
“You don’t have to,” Virgil immediately added. “If you don’t feel ready, or you want to try dating one of us at a time, that’s completely fine—”
Logan began to smile. “I—I think I can give it a shot. All of you. I want to engage in romantic relations with you. If—if that’s alright.”
Patton squealed, and Roman’s smile was wider than Logan had ever seen it. Virgil just squeezed Logan’s hand, and Logan squeezed back.
“Group hug time!” Patton proclaimed.
“Don’t we have to eat breakfast?” Logan asked.
“Oh!” Patton giggled. “Right! I’ll make us some pancakes. Then we can have some cuddles!”
“Perfect!” Roman proclaimed. “Maybe watch a Disney movie? We’ve got a lot of missed movie-nights to make up for!”
Virgil smiled slightly. “Only if we can watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. And only if Pat lets me supervise the pancakes.”
Patton frowned. “Don’t you trust me?”
“I trust you,” Virgil said, “but Princey here would totally add like five containers of sugar or set the entire thing on fire when your back is turned.”
Roman gasped. “Rude! I’ll have you know that was one time, and the firefighters were very nice about it!”
“We can all help with the pancakes,” Patton compromised. “Lolo can read the instructions, ‘cause he’s good with books and Virge can help me mix ingredients.”
“What about me?” Roman asked.
Virgil smirked. “You can play your Disney songs and sneak bits of batter while pretending you’re helping.”
Roman opened his mouth, shrugged, and smiled. “Sounds good to me.”
“Great!” Patton grabbed Logan’s hand and pulled him over to the kitchen. “Let’s go!”
And Logan spent half the morning making pancakes, getting flour in his hair, Roman placing batter on his nose so Patton would kiss it off, Virgil sitting on the counter and refusing to get off. The pancakes turned out delicious, and after eating a very late breakfast—it’s brunch, Specs, how do you fail so hard at being gay—they curled up on the couch once more and started on their Disney marathons. It turned out that Roman and Virgil shared Logan’s proclivity for discussing the movie while watching it, but Roman geared more towards insults and Virgil just threw popcorn at all the sappy scenes. Patton remained quiet, toying with Logan’s hair and snuggled into Roman’s side, smiling at them like they were his favorite things in the world.
Logan Mackenzie didn’t understand his feelings, not completely. But he did know that he loved them. He knew that they loved him back. He knew that he had never felt happier than now, sitting on the couch with his boyfriends—boyfriends! They were his boyfriends! The novelty still hadn’t worn off.
He loved them, and he could figure the rest out another day, with a little help.
Logan loved them. For now, and forever, that was enough.
#averywrites#writing#fanfiction#sanders sides#sanders sides fanfic#logan sanders#roman sanders#LAMP#virgil sanders#patton sanders#moxiety#logince#logicality#prinxiety#royality#analogical#romance#love#logan sanders cannot feelings#pining#mutual pining#angst#fluff#humor#angst with a happy ending#polyamory
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I am confused. I am hurt. I don’t know what to think. This is a long post. A very long post that is personal but I’ve had it in my head for a while to write. You don’t have to read this. This post has no real meaning. It’s more of a rant of how I feel in the world of fandom, my experiences, and why this posts exists.
Again, you do not have to read this.
You have been warned.
DO NOT REBLOG THIS POST!!!!
When I became an English major in college, I did so knowing several things. One of those is the fact I love literature and I love discovering why authors, creators, and artists wrote what became their most well known work.
Where am I going?
My first fandom was when I was in Junior High (about 13-14 years old) that I was a part of, meaning I read fan fiction and discovered fan art of, was either Naruto or Pokémon. To me these works were escapes of my real confusing life. Especially when I moved states and schools. I had no one. Through this, I discovered what I liked and didn’t like in the world of fiction and was introduced to fandom words/slang such as shipping, fan fiction, lemons (which I don’t think is used as often now), different types of writing, yaoi, yuri, and a few more I can’t remember. This also included the all important phrase Don’t like don’t read. This was when I was in my early teens.
But I was in a phase where I could find what I found interesting and that was that.
When I got to high school, I was still this awkward quiet kid with no friends. But I did have marching band so that was something.
At this point was was interested in Ouran Highschool Host Club, Death Note, a series called Beauty Pop, Fullmetal Alchemist, and a few others. This was also around the time where I began writing fanfiction for OHSC and even began buying manga. Anyway, this was my introduction to fandom as a teenager. And this is before Tumblr.
All I had were my friends, videos on YouTube, and my own interests. No one really understood why I loved all these things.
Then came the very first fandom I became fully obsessed in my sophomore year: a small series called Hetalia Axis Powers. I was completely invested in this fandom. So much so I wrote fan fiction, bought merch, and read a lot of fan fiction myself. I think it was because, at the time I thought it was because the art style was cute, the voice acting wasn’t half bad and it had to do with history. But this is where things got interesting for me and learning about fandom as a whole.
As a teen, I hadn’t known about AUs and this series had a lot of them. From the usual school AUs to odd ones. I usually stayed in my bubble and kept up the mantra Don’t like Don’t read.
But why talk about it?
Well, let’s just say a lot of the content later on became weird and new. I learned a lot about new terms like de-aging and ABO. But this leads to interest which once again let me know what genres of fan fiction I like.
I continued on with this fandom for about 3 years. And what broke it was the drama and how people were finding a sudden moral compass for personified countries. I mean there are other problems with that show that I recognize now as an adult and didn't see as a kid but that’s for another time. But I quietly left because I was beginning to understand that the drama wasn’t worth a tv show.
I would say the next fandom I was invested in and loved and I think had the least amount of drama was Fairy Tail. Now I fell in love with this series because of the story, characters, and the welcoming fandom. Overall there was rarely any drama because I think we all knew that we had to be civil with each other and respect our ships. While I’m not part of that fandom anymore a lot of people on Tumblr and FFN were very welcoming. The main series kinda fizzled out but that was one of the few positive fandom experiences I had.
I was at that point in my life where I was in college, created my Tumblr and posted regularly to escape life.
Coming off that fandom, I was part of the Yuri on Ice! fandom from beginning to the end. I mean it’s a sports anime that’s about men's figure skating and how it can affect athletes just to get a gist of it.
That’s when my experience with fandom became interesting because these characters were being paired in a way that made me feel like they can’t be paired with anyone else. Like, there was a pairing we were all cheering for to happen by the end.
This is the first series I was highly interested in as an adult where the ages of the characters were defined. There were a few in their teens, some in their early to mid 20s, and a couple in their 30s. Now this was a historic anime for several reasons. The main being there being a gay relationship being shown in a positive light and mental illness being shown in a way that wasn’t patronizing and negative. I loved this show for those reasons. But I also quickly learned how people would take these characters (especially those with huge age differences) and pair them up. That was my first introduction to criticism of how ‘gross’ it would be for a 15 year old to be paired up with an 18 year old. But I saw a problem that made me second guess my thinking. When I was in high school, I knew someone who was a sophomore at 15 and dated someone who was 18. Why was there a problem?
I knew if I voiced this that I would be shamed and told that I was disgusting. Eventually I had enough and left shortly after the series ended.
Then came the Voltron: Legendary Defender series. Oh boy.
Now that series came out while I was in college and I often viewed it in a critical perspective similar to one would a piece of literature because my major was in English and that was what I was taught. Like YOI I was part of this fandom day 1 because it was so different from the original Voltron series from the 80s. I loved how the fandom dissected everything in every episode. There were watch parties, analysis videos, and even skits at conventions. It was a fandom I knew I wanted to be a part of. But then there was fanfiction that I found odd and knew that I never wanted to read that. People were writing about topics that made me uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to deal with it. After a while, I questioned why I was forcing myself to read them in the first place. So, I stopped reading them. This was also around the time where I discovered AO3 and their amazing tagging system. Because if the tagging system was not there, I probably would have stopped reading fanfiction all together.
But then there was drama, shipping wars, morality wars, and I had enough. I was there until it ended and left quietly. Which is sad considering I loved the experience but it was ruined by what people thought was right for fictional characters.
Now you may be asking “What was the point of this post?”
To answer your question, I don’t know.
I have loved reading since I was a kid. And when I got to high school, I had this AP teacher who told us something that has stayed with me to this day.
‘As a reader we are detectives. We want to know why the author wrote this book. We want to know what influenced them.’
I took that saying to heart and approach everything through a critical lens. Which is difficult in a fandom. It’s hard to have a critical approach to a series that everyone takes for a grain of salt.
I have been exposed to a lot of books and pieces of literature that have been considered controversial because of their content. When I left high school, I began to realize what genres of books I like in the YA genre and in literature.
I experimented.
And when you think about it, that’s what you do with fan fiction and fandom. We are always experimenting. We are always finding what we like and don’t like.
But recently I’ve noticed a new fandom term that makes me wonder where I fall in all of this craziness we call fandom.
Pro-Fiction/Pro-Shipper
It wasn’t until last year I saw this word thrown around in a new fandom I am in. I tried to do some research but I couldn't find anything. Nothing. And then I learned it’s a new term in itself.
I won’t go into detail but it reminds of the ‘video games are violent so that makes so-and-so violent’ argument parents made when Mortal Kombat came out.
Well you still didn’t answer the question.
And you’d be right. I saw a post from a follower that saddened me and honestly freaked me out. Why announce that you hate a specific group? It felt like a call out post without saying any names. A warning that states: Block me or out yourself. Or rather: Block me or else.
Do I identify as this? To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I think critically and see things differently. In fact everyone does.
We are always going to be influenced by the media whether it be a movie, television, a book, or a video game. We will always love these storylines and characters. We will always take the messages to heart. We will always cheer for the hero and maybe the villain too.
I do want you guys to remember this, make your own fandom experience. Block those who make you feel uncomfortable and make you feel like you don’t matter. You do.
You are your own person. No one can tell you otherwise. If you feel uncomfortable, then maybe you need to leave the fandom. Or find a space in the fandom that you can be yourself. Or don’t care what people think and do what you always do.
It’s all up to you.
#rant#long post#sorry for those who decided to read this#i just cant stay silent anymore#fandom#fandom toxicity#fandom discourse#fan fiction#personal#i mean#this is getting out of hand#where do i fall in all of this
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