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compacflt · 1 year

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okay "normie median Biden voter ice" got me. That's funny. But also so true! It prob took him a bit to vote dem too (though I believe that Ice would have never voted for Trump). Would love to hear more thoughts on Ice and Mav's politics. Also the list of who they would have voted for if you're willing to share.

i do worry that posting my extremely in-depth headcanons about some of this stuff will have the JKR “wizard shit” effect on my writing and ruin it a little, but ask and ye shall receive

copy-pasted straight from my list of “unhinged compacflt!top gun headcanons” that ive been keeping since september: on ice & mav's politics

16. Since their friendship began, Ice has always told Maverick who to vote for, since Maverick doesn't care enough to pay attention to national politics. They are begrudging ConservaDems (conservative political views, would vote conservative every election if Republicans weren’t actively sending them to war/actively promoting fascism). Ice’s voting record (and after 1988, Mav’s too) 1980-2020—note that he has always considered himself an “educated moderate”: 1980: Reagan. 1984: Reagan. 1988: Bush. 1992: Bush. 1996: Clinton (reaction to aftermath of PGW. Doesn’t care that Clinton enacted DADT because “I’m not [redacted], so it doesn’t apply to me”). 2000: Gore (refusal to vote for another Bush). 2004: Kerry (Mav votes Bush this year out of spite as he and Ice are going through their break-up). 2008: McCain (Navy loyalty). 2012: Obama (liked him as a person/worked closely with him, didn’t like his policies so much). 2016: Clinton (no other alternative). 2020: Biden (actually liked/previously worked with Biden, and now actively married to another man and therefore had to make some liberal concessions). 2024-onwards they will vote for any Democrat as long as they aren’t a “socialist.”

17. Also, Maverick didn’t vote in 2016. Partially because in my universe the TGM mission takes place that November, very near the election, and he has bigger fish to fry (something Ice will later take him to task for), and partially because I genuinely think he wouldn’t be able to stomach either mainstream candidate and probably would’ve voted for Libertarian Gary Johnson, which might have torn his relationship with Ice to shreds a few days before schedule. “Are you fucking kidding me? Johnson? Pete, this moron’s moronic party wants to abolish the driver’s license—” / “—Yeah, and then I could ride your sweet wheels with no problem whatsoever—maybe he’ll abolish pilots’ licenses, too, I’d like to see that—” / “If you vote for Gary fucking Johnson, I will very happily stop footing the bill for your piece-of-shit airplane, and you can see how useful your pilot’s license is then—” / So Mav didn’t vote in 2016.

35. In terms of what he Tweets: I do foresee, post-retirement, Ice basically becoming a neoliberal military intellectual type on Twitter a la Mark Hertling (look him up on Twitter). Bio: “Retired @SECNAV. Advisor @WhiteHouse and @VoteVets. Contributing writer @TheAtlantic. Interested in geopolitics & modern warfare. Aviator, husband, Padres fan. [American flag emoji]” Only posts pictures of himself and Maverick at three specific annual events: 1. their wedding anniversary (“36 years with this fool and he’s still surprised to find out that I like the F-5 better than the A-4 #happyanniversary”), 2. every EAA Airventure (huge airplane convention), 3. San Francisco’s Fleet Week (which of course they MUST attend, they even headline it in 2018). Informative, analytical, highly-respected. Maybe goes on CNN or NBC all the time to talk about civil-military relations shit (aversion to FOX since the start of the Iraq War). Gonna say he had like four really viral threads about Russia and Ukraine in April or May and so has 300k followers or something like that. He has a personal website that links back to his Twitter and every essay he writes for international publications, with a pretty braggadocious bio (something along the lines of “Tom Kazansky has directly almost started global nuclear war twice in his life, and in the thirty-year gap in between, sold the Swiss half their entire goddamn Air Force and directed an entire Fleet during the Iraq War”). Lots of tweets like “Military aviation hot take: Compared to the F-22, the F-35 is a waste of money. Source: husband with 400+ hours of F-35 experience.” / “[Quote tweet of Russian Foreign Minister boasting about Su-57 production lines] Oh, so you guys finally figured out how to make more than one every other year?” / “Analysis of the failure of Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Ukraine, from an ex-US Pacific Fleet Commander’s perspective: a short [thread emoji] [This thread gets 26k likes and 4k retweets]” / “This weekend my husband & I flew in to @EAA Oshkosh #OSH19 & took home first place for best P-51. Not to brag, but.” (A reply to this tweet: “Sir, you really know how to bury the lede that your husband is Adm. Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. I had to look it up on Wikipedia.” / @TKazansky: “What, was it not obvious? Who else could it have been?”) Also, I see him writing a whole bunch of op-eds for international political magazines a la Tom Nichols (look him up on Twitter too). Writing analyses of recent geopolitical/military events for the New York Times, the New Yorker, the Bulwark, the Navy Times, the Atlantic, Bellingcat, etc. Not so much focused on domestic issues (but VoteVets [socially progressive vets’ group] board member, and ardently pro-democracy, yay!). He’s a smart guy.

37. This is not a headcanon, just kind of a… a real-life implication. My Ice was Deputy Commander of Third Fleet in 2003, meaning he’d have been there in command of the USS Abraham Lincoln when President Bush gave his “Mission Accomplished” speech aboard that ship in May less than 2 months after the initial American invasion of Iraq. Very premature & embarrassing. Ice would’ve been in direct contact with Bush/Cheney/NSC bureaucrats many, many times during the war. I genuinely believe this is what pushed him over the edge into firm liberal territory.

#they are the opposite of social liberal fiscal conservative #social boomer and fiscal moderate and foreign policy liberal #as they are straight-passing they are also conservative-passing in that they claim they are conservatives because it upholds their view #of American masculinity (as many conservative men do) but they're not actually conservative #sometimes I do think I stumbled upon a stroke of genius with my 'mav is a libertarian' hc though #im sure im not the only person to have had that hc but still. seriously ur gonna look at that mf and tell me he's not a libertarian #guys. when I tell you I have thought entirely too much about this stuff I mean it #top gun #top gun maverick #top gun headcanons #tom iceman kazansky #pete maverick mitchell #I have more of their foreign/domestic policy opinions but I think if I posted any more of this stuff #you would see me for who I am (insane)#thank you for the ask hahahaha #<3

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astranauticus · 2 months

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this is how you tell i've been drawing almost exclusively for a podcast for 6 months but between the blackbox archive and the entire orv webtoon god i am feeling so SPOILED for references

#asto speaks #orv mumbles #rwd is the main culprit but tbf arknights didn't help #i just got so used to drawing designs that are a. moderately to massively complicated b. partially obscured so i have to infer parts #and with orv it's like a. the main characters designs are so nice to draw bc THEYRE WEBTOON CHARACTERS THEYRE DESIGNED TO BR DRAWN LIKE #50 TIMES VERY FAST #IM DEFINITELY NOT SIDE EYEING NOIR RN /aff #k-lb a man designed to be drawn once and once only and me the fool who has probably drawn him like 6 times by this point #and at this point in the webtoon kdj and yjh has been drawn in like every angle under the sun and i am *so grateful* for it #yeah me drawing orv is just such a. rat in the rice jar moment. hell yeah #and omg wait the main score from the webtoon: THE ENVIRONMENTS. THE BACKGROUNDS #like the fuckin. suffering i had to go through to draw the backgrounds for my rwd animatic #there are literally zero visual references for what an average street in tu'narath looks like in ALL OF DND CANON HELLO???#and now its like if i want to know what post apocalyptic seoul looks like i could just LOOK AT THE WEBTOON. AND ITS THERE #insane. absolutely delightful

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sunshiline-writes · 3 months

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Me: *asking if my boss can demonstrate* can you show me how to do this specific thing that I’m having trouble with

Her: did you watch the videos?

Me: yes i watched the videos i just learn better if I’m shown multiple times

Her: then watch the videos multiple times

Me: *trying not to scream* Okay 😁

Her: I can’t hand feed you everything

—

It’s okay it’s okay I was already warned about how my boss is a bit of a bitch. But alksksekkewklwnsbdb i wasn’t asking to be taught EVERYTHING just this one section and you’re making me nervous and lskdndndekke it’s fine it’s fine everything is FINE

#someone save me #this woman is insane #the training videos are only MODERATELY helpful bruh #i am so tired

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dollar-store-sparklez · 10 months

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man i dont wanna be that guy, but the skyblock wars thing on the legundo community server is so just. incredibly frustrating to play rn

like, disregarding my own wifi issues entirely, bc theyre a seperate ongoing problem, lapis is mostly composed of younger players and people with actual jobs and stuff, and then redstone has. every moderator except 1, and two of the best pvpers who literally like never log off.

im not gonna accuse mods of using mod perms to cheat, because i gen dont think they are, but speraking as someone who has experience on several servers being mod/build staff, it is functionally impossible to be without bias as a mob in a competitive setting, especially when its, yknow, every single mod except one versus a team mostly composed of 12 year olds. hell, one of our players is literally 8.

and. i mean it sucks. its not enjoyable to play anymore when the other team is making fun of us for things out of our control and the mods arent really doing anything about it bc its their teammates doing it. and then theres stuff like the cobble challenge, where their entire island was basically already stone brick from the start. im not saying its cause the mods knew that was gonna be the challenge, but i am saying im not ruling it out. and then we know the mods fly around occasionally, and yeah they tell us that its for actual mod purposes, and i believe them, but i also believe that if they were to notice some new builds or farms or whatever while they were they theyd 100% mention it to their team.

and again, even disregarding that, even if im just off my rocker and everything ive noticed as unfair and upsetting is just in my own brain, theres the fact that the other team is gonna listen and respect the members of the mod staff more bc they have a real, tangible power over them, where as random children just arent gonna listen to syl even if they were the one voted in to be the leader. they gonna listen to a mod, but not another player. thats a real, tangible advantage they have.

i dont wanna say the mods cant also play the game and have fun, because they can! its totally possible to do smth like this and still let them play! but they need to be split up evenly between the teams or is gonna cause the issues we're currently having. no one on lapis is having fun or wants to play anymore really. poor syl has cried on call. i dont really care how many times people say its just a game. youre saying that because your team is winning, your team is tacked, your team has all the good pvpers and moderators. if lapis was in the lead youd be upset and i know it, because wth this new base quest that just finished you went and whined to ecr because hyper used an existing base on your island to win the quest. he asked ecr and got an explicit yes, and dino and justin ran to ecr about it and now we each got half a point, basically voiding the quest.

im glad yall are havin fun because no one else is. lmao

#pandora speaks #legs if you see this #one im sorry for how bitter and angry i sound. its because im bitter and angry and im sick of dealing with it #im not mad at you or your moderators im mad that the teams are insanely imbalanced (no ones fault we picked teams blindly) and that #redstone has been really rude about it #yes it is just a game but if on team is gonna be like that its not fun for anyone anymore yknow?#and theres no point in a game if only a few people have fun #i cant imagine myself wanting to continue playing if justin and dino and gonan keep being like this #and if we do this again in the future i think the mods should be evenly distributed or not play at all #im not being mean jsut speaking from the pov of someone whos been a mod i know it can be hard to keep your mod knowledge away from your #player knowledge at time. it can and will plit out without you thinking occasionally even if youre the best at keeping your mouth shut ykno #like with the cobble quest #sighs. i know this is coming across like im a sore loser. but like. yknow what maybe i am. but if we're gonna have every possible #disadvantage thrown at us while they have every possible advantage gifted to them i think i have the right to be bitchy

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eelqueen · 7 months

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when i'm on birth control i am so much less in love with everything. the sparkle from my eyes is gone when i look at my husband. i don't get shivers down my spine when i listen to music, and the colors in the world are muted and don't have contrast. my emotions and thoughts get small, and i lose my love for creating and imagining!! what a sad thing. however i am also less insane when i am on birth control which is generally a good thing. i truly feel like i suffer for my existence! what a horrid choice to make!

#text #this one seems to be better for dulling everything and i am only avery moderate amount of insane right now

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pibsboots · 3 months

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I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

#chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronic pain

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gallusrostromegalus · 6 months

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The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season

---

I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.

...I might need to back up a bit.

My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.

They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.

Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.

My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.

Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.

It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.

It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.

---

If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

---

As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

youtube

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

---

So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

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If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Funny Stories book on Patreon

#Family Lore #Dogs #It's Halloween babey #friday the 13th #blood mention #I hope that kid had a good night and at least one of his friends believed him #Long post #Video

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litourgya · 9 months

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Misogynists and racists - always knew the moderator of this blog are MAGA trumpists. Always posting from uncle visiblybi about Olivia and he is an active qanon maga activists. Then you post from PA publicity anon run by a trumpist racist another qanon activist. What happened to you? Did Democrats winning cause you to openly show your true beliefs and convictions? Tinhatting is Trump's favorite weapon. To convince everyone that everything except him is fake. You do it too well you know.

Bestie I think you've confused me with someone else? But good luck anyways!

#me when I'm insane #actually editing this for fun #1. moderator of this blog is a drunk girl #2. I've never posted anything from visiblybi #3. I don't even know who PA publicity anon is #4. what happened to me? like in general or?#5. bestie democrats haven't won anything in my country since “99 #6. everything is a simulation including trump only I am real #7. thanks!

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moonrisecoeur · 1 month

Text

romance — leon kennedy

author’s note: i am sick this is actually a really cute fic. although i might be a lil mentally ill. this fic is for @ovaryacted so i hope u like it nic :3 feeling re6 leon vibes hehe !!

wc: 4.7k

content: detective leon x psycho reader, fem!reader (reader wears a dress and is referred to femininely), no d/s dynamics but reader is slightly more in control, lots of pet names (sweet girl, pretty girl, princess, my girl, sweetheart, sweetie, pretty wife), talks of marriage, unprotected sex, blood as lube. reader is like actually insane but leon loves her.

warning: this fic is dark content, containing moderate amounts of blood and gore depictions, along with discussions of murder, torture, bodies, weapons, etc. please read with caution and take care of yourself.

—

notes:

"i'd love to see you in a beautiful dress," he says softly.

“i would look pretty just for you.”

leon chuckles and squeezes your hand again, it's funny how he can go from fearing you to becoming utterly enamored with you in a matter of moments.

"i have no doubts about that, sweetheart," he replies, "now come here."

—

“what… have you done now, princess?” he stumbles, because when you said you look good in red, he clumsily thought you meant you were going to wear a red dress for him.

“the guy was asking for it, lee,” you tell him, taking a step closer to reach out to him, but he steps back, “are you… afraid of me?”

“kinda. i also just… i don’t want you to get blood on my work clothes,” his smile is always gentle towards you. there’s no reality where detective kennedy can get mad at you, though. he adores you too greatly.

your eyes drop from focusing on his soft, warm gaze, to trailing down his body. he really does make himself pretty for you. black blazer and black dress pants on top of a red wine button down, top two buttons left unbuttoned because obviously the s in leon s. kennedy stands for slut. or maybe selfless? sensitive? submissive? who knows?

either way, you have the eyes of a predator. he knows you know that, yet you make no attempt to ease his mind, to tell him, ‘oh, it’s alright baby. i would never hurt you’ because neither of you are sure if that’s true.

“blood on your clothes, huh..?” you murmur, almost distantly, like your mind was somewhere else.

“we, uh, have dinner reservations, baby. why don’t you get cleaned up and we can go? i don’t think… the restaurant would appreciate blood all over their chairs and tables,” he looks away, and then back to you. your eyes are hungry, but he tries to keep you focused, “baby, you got rid of the body, right?”

“well.. not necessarily… i wanted to dismember him myself,” you pout, like you were asking for something a lot less gruesome. like, ‘leon, could we please get ice cream after dinner?’ but instead you were asking something a little bit more on brand for you. he doesn’t even know why he’s surprised.

“just… okay, whatever. just c’mere and kiss me, sweetie,” he welcomes you into his arms again, refusing to even pay any mind to the viscous scarlet liquid that saturates his velvet suit, your hand staining his neck and you reach to rest it on the back of his neck. he stopped caring about the mess and wrapped his arms around your waist.

you kiss him feverishly, stained hands and tainted souls clashing together. leon was rotten before you met him, corrupted and dark. you feel a bit more comfortable with the fact that you have not ruined him. there was nothing good about him to ruin. he lies, fabricates and destroys evidence, forces confessions, truly a brutal guy.

and yet, for the pretty thing that clutches onto him, only feeling truly happy in his arms, he is comfort. he’s safety and goodness. he is everything that’s right in her world. your world.

you are awful. but so is leon. that is why he loves you so dearly. if people like you both are even capable of such emotions.

your dress is carmine and if leon didn’t know any better, he’d think you were a victim of a heinous crime, but he does know better. and he knows there is not a single scratch or bruise on you.

leon holds you close to him, hands wrapped around your waist, giving you his complete soul, enjoying the warmth of your embrace and the familiar feel of your lips pressed against his. he squeezes you tightly and runs his hands along your hips, his touch smooth and gentle.

leon is your complete opposite. your touch is forceful and aggressive, but leon is gentle. all your body knows is his softness. you are erratic and violent, but leon is composed.

as you continue kissing him, leon's breath becomes heavier and his heart beats faster. he pulls away for a moment, panting gently as an expression of pure joy and relief crosses his face. leon leans down again, this time capturing your chin between his fingers as he looks into your eyes, soaking in the sight of you.

“you… are beautiful,” his voice echoes, low and full of an adoration even leon can’t wrap his head around. scarlet covers your figure, and all he can see is utter beauty.

“you got anywhere to be, detective kennedy?” you smile as you address him professionally, but it’s only teasing. your hand is moving to help him shrug off his suit coat and he thinks he might be here a bit longer than he thought. you throw it onto the table.when your hand starts moving to help him take off his jacket, his eyebrow raises in interest, and his eyes follow the movement of your hand until it touches his shoulder and starts undoing the buttons.

"no, nowhere in particular," he says casually, watching his coat get thrown to the side. you’re careless. that is expensive velvet, and your red hands definitely just ruined it. it’s alright he muses, he’ll just replace it.

the coat, he clarifies to himself. he’ll replace the coat. not this memory with you.

"excellent," you tell him, crimson fingers tangling into his blonde hair, “i wasn’t going to let you leave anyway.”

"i figured as much," he chuckles playfully, enjoying the feeling of your fingers digging into his scalp, massaging the tension away. leon's body relaxes against yours, savoring the feel of you pressed against him. he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you even closer.

"i've been working way too hard today," he sighs, and he sees the soft pout that comes to your face. it’s gotta be the cutest thing he’d ever seen, "don’t look at me like that, baby. i just didn't get much of a chance to relax. it’s my job, princess.” leon squeezes you tightly against him, the warmth from his body radiating against yours.

“how does your brain work for that long?” you shake your head, “i feel like i would start losing it with how long of days you work. you shouldn’t have to work so hard, lee.”

"i swear, i was staring at the same case file for like, ten hours straight," he sighs. "i can't look at those numbers and words anymore."

"i bet," you mumble, noticing the way the blood is drying up in his hair and on both of your clothes and skin, "you look like you're the murderer now," you chuckle, "i think i'm going to have to lock you up."

leon lets out a laugh, looking down at himself and noticing the dried blood caking up in his hair and on his suit, "i bet i do," he chuckles, "i look like i've just come from a crime scene."

leon looks up at you, his eyes shining mischievously. "then i guess you'll have to arrest me," he teases, "do you have the handcuffs ready?"

you laugh, mostly because you know he’s making shitty jokes, but also because you might enjoy restraining him a little too much, “oh yeah, except the jail cell is my bedroom.”

"well, you're the officer who has to bring me in," he says with a smirk, "i don't think i'll be resisting arrest too much."

“oh, shut up, dork. just kiss me,” you groan to him, pulling him in by the hips. his white button up dress shirt being stained by your red hands feels indicative of what you’ve done to leon. it’s not like he’s perfectly pristine, he’s been a corrupt cop for years, but… you have only made him worse.

it's as if he's addicted to the touch and affection of your hands, his body becoming hot with desire. he enjoys the way you press against him, your red hands staining his shirt and staining his soul. your fingers dig into his hips forcefully as you pull him in close to you, your tainted hands staining his clothes as you do so. you've definitely made him even more corrupt than he was before you came into the picture, and he's loving every second of it.

you pull away to whisper to him, in his ear, wet blood covering his skin and his clothes, "i love you."

now, he’s known for a long time that you love him, even if that love is twisted and tainted. as blood drips down the both of you, he wraps his arms around you more tightly, burying his face in your neck as he whispers into your ear.

"i love you too, princess,” he whispers back, not caring about the dried blood coating you both, "also, wait, where is your victim? did anyone see you? please tell me you were careful, baby."

"i destroyed his body parts already, don't worry. no one saw me."

"thank god.. or should i say thank you?" leon replies with a cheeky grin. to him, you are god. you are a religion. you are a deity who visits him in his dreams and treats him like her beloved human pet. he looks at you for a moment, his eyes trailing over your body, the dried blood of your previous victims making you look even more beautiful to him. god, you are so fucking pretty to him.

"though, i do need your help destroying evidence.." your fingers draw sweet little hearts onto his back once you throw his dress shirt off entirely, but he's certain your bloody hearts left literal, physical drawings on his skin. you are so fucking deranged and he adores you.

"i can help you with anything," he murmurs, leaning his head down to plant kiss after kiss on your neck, “that’s what i’m here for, baby.”

every trace of your blood-stained heart has been embedded and melded into his skin, like a stain that can never be washed out with bleach. he loves his psycho princess.

"but i don't want to think about that right now," you lean your head on his shoulder, "i just wanna be here with you.."

leon nods, enjoying the feeling of your head pressed onto him, the warmth from your body radiating gently, "i know, i know, baby," he says softly, "no worrying right now, just you and i."

after a moment of peace and calm, you perk your head up suddenly, a contemplative look on his face, "do you think... will i ever go to prison?"

leon chuckles, shaking his head as he continues stroking your hair, "no, you won't," he replies confidently, "not as long as i'm around, and i'm not going anywhere. i'll always keep you safe and make sure you're never caught."

leon feels the weight of your worries melt away from you. he enjoys being the one to calm you, tame you in a way. you are a monster, but with him, you’re his sweet girl with her.. mildly disturbing hobbies.

"you’ll be okay," he says gently, "i mean, if anyone does find evidence pointing to you, i'll get rid of it before it can even be used. i'm not going to let anyone come between us.”

“yeah?”

“you’re stuck with me forever, princess. i’ll make sure you never spend even one night in a jail cell. only the most comfortable living arrangements for my baby.”

you chuckle, pressing sweet kisses to his neck, “you’re the one that’s stuck with me. who knows? maybe my thirst for blood will include you some day.”

leon laughs, his body trembling slightly at your sweet kisses against his neck, he doesn't even want to think about the possibility of you deciding to kill him one day, but he also knows that it's not an impossibility. he swallows the lump in his throat and decides it's better to just push that thought away for now.

the worst part is… he knows you’d enjoy it. you’d watch the light slowly leave his eyes with glee. makes him nauseous.

"maybe," he says with a teasing tone, but it’s impossible to miss how his voice shakes, "but i'm more valuable to you alive, sweetheart."

“i know, i know.” you giggle, hands digging into the waistband of his fancy velvet slacks, “i just like playing with you. you get so nervous.. it’s cute.”

leon grins in return, but a hint of a nervous chuckle escapes his lips when he feels you start unbuttoning his pants.

he feels his heart rate start to pick up, both from anticipation and a little bit of anxiety, “you like playing with me huh…” he says in a lower, somewhat panting voice, “don’t play with your food, baby. do what you gotta do.”

you smirk, pushing him down onto his office chair, the same one you bought him a couple months ago when he was complaining about his old one. you sit yourself down on his lap, hands resting around the back of his neck, caressing him so sweetly. god, if leon closed his eyes, he could pretend this was normal and you were normal and you were both just two young lovers that adored each other.

his hands grasp your waist and keep you close, as he's afraid you'll leave him. you can't leave him now. not after all he's done for you, to protect you, to save you from yourself. he's ruined himself for you, he's destroyed evidence and burned bodies and lied and lied and lied for you. you can't leave him now.

his psychopath. his monster. his sweet lover. him. you belong to him.

he doesn't understand why you're so gentle with him, but you are and he's grateful, so he doesn't push the subject. when your hands pull at the waistband of his boxers, his eyes become soft and glassy and he rests his head back against the chair. you may do what you please with him at this point.

leon lets out a contented sigh as he relaxes back into the chair, his head leaning against the backrest as he gazes up at you. you are… breathtaking. a beautiful dove covered in her victim’s crimson blood.

your touch is soft and delicate, much different from the usual roughness that you've had with your previous victims. yet he can't complain that you're choosing to be so gentle with him, letting him keep this illusion of you being a normal person, just for a moment.

"can i have you, lee? right here, right now?"

it's almost amusing how normal that question sounds to him. after all this time, after everything he's done for you, after all the murders he's covered up for you, the bodies he's burned and the evidence he's destroyed... it almost makes him chuckle to hear that sentence. it’s remarkable, honestly. you’re vicious and violent and cruel… and you’re asking for consent? how adorable.

"of course," he says softly, his tone slightly pleading and desperate, "please. take me, baby... i'm yours."

you smile sweetly, though the sweetness is undercut by the blood on your face. he would almost assume you're possessed by something demonic if he didn't already know you were evil to begin with, "you make me so happy, baby." you muse gently, "you keep me safe, protect me when i mess up... i'm gonna be your perfect little wife someday."

leon chuckles softly at your words, but there's a part of him that's a little bit terrified. in his mind, he knows that this isn't the beginning of some fairytale romance, and that your intentions aren't quite pure, but he chooses to ignore those thoughts. he's already fallen down such a dark path because of your influence, so what's stopping him from falling a little bit deeper and going all the way down into this fucking madness with you?

"i'll protect you from everything," he replies, his fingers gripping tightly around yours, "nothing will ever hurt you again, my sweet wife. i’ll keep you safe and happy, always.”

"we should get married in a big, beautiful chapel. i don't need a lot of people there, i just want to be there with you."

leon grins, "you'd be happy with just a small wedding?" he asks with a hint of surprise in his voice, "i thought you'd want something big and extravagant to show off to everyone."

“all i need is a pretty dress and you,” you whisper to him.

leon chuckles, brushing your hair out of your face with his hand, his fingers slightly trembling. a part of him can't help but wonder how this would all end: would it actually end happily? with you two walking down the aisle to an altar, exchanging vows? or would it end up with his body buried deep in the woods?

he forces himself to ignore those thoughts, for now he should stay focused on the moment. you look at him so sweetly, so earnestly, so he decides to trust your intentions with him for now.

"i'd love to see you in a beautiful dress," he says softly.

“i would look pretty just for you.”

leon chuckles and squeezes your hand again, it's funny how he can go from fearing you to becoming utterly enamored with you in a matter of moments.

"i have no doubts about that, sweetheart," he replies, "now come here."

you smile as you lean in to kiss him again, hands finally resuming their movements to get into his underwear.

leon lets out a soft groan, his muscles tensing as he feels your hands slip through the fabric of his underwear, pulling out his cock for you to play with, or so he assumes you’ll do. you play with it like it’s a toy, something you can just have fun messing with while he sleeps or before you fuck him. he uses the verbage of ‘you fucking him’ because this is in no way him fucking you… even if it’s his dick. at some point that dick attached to his pelvis became yours..

he wraps his arms tightly around your waist as you begin to caress him. he's just so vulnerable to you, he's yours in every aspect of the word, physically and emotionally. yours, yours, yours.

"i'll be gentle, i promise. i'm just gonna stroke your cock, nice and slow.." you murmur. your touch is warm but teasing, and when you notice the tension in his body, you can't help but giggle, "i can't go too quickly just yet.. can't make you feel too much too soon."

leon chuckles softly, a part of him enjoying this teasing routine. he knows that eventually you'll give him what he wants, so he doesn’t mind waiting. whatever his girl wants, she gets.

"i know" he says panting slightly, "just take your time, princess..."

it's just so hard not to adore him, so malleable and soft, you could mold him into anything you want.

leon's eyes are starting to get hazy, his breath hitching in his throat and his body trembling. your touch is so delicate yet so powerful, it's making his entire body quiver. he’s not even on the edge but he feels like he is. both of your hands jerk him off so slow and sensual, and he knows the only reason they’re moving so smoothing is because your hands still have wet blood on them… which means you’re practically using that guy’s blood as lube and… this is so fucked up. you are so fucked up. you are awful and he can’t wait to make you his wife.

leon’s not necessarily the most submissive man alive, but he does listen well and you always get what you want, so take that as you will. he's always been so easy to mold into whatever you want him to be. he's followed along like a loyal dog, doing everything you ask of him. he's done such despicable things in your name, knowing that at the end of the day, you'll love him enough to keep him by your side.

he feels your thumb massaging his tip and he suppresses a nervous whimper, eyes fluttering closed as he takes in the feeling of your touch. you’re too much of a tease, but leon is patient.

“promise that you’ll always stay with me, lee. promise that you’ll never leave,” you whisper. he doesn’t know why you expect such a deep answer from him when his brain is becoming more and more mushy by the second.

“i promise," he whispers back, still panting slightly from pleasure. “i'm never going to leave you. i'll stay by your side for as long as we're alive. i'll never stop protecting you, loving you"

“i will sink my claws into you and never let you leave,” you growl.

he leans his head back against the chair again, a smile creeping on his lips as he lets out a shuddering breath. "i'm all yours, princess, and i have no desire to be anyone else's."

just as he starts to get close to the edge, riding the fine line of pleasure, you pull your hands away from him. you feel bad for denying him, but you're only doing it so you both can finish together. leon lets out a soft shiver as you tug your hands away, your teasing just making him more and more desperate.

he lets out a tense, groaning sigh as you pull your hands away, a small whimper escaping his lips as you did so. he's so close, but you're not quite ready to let him cum yet.

leon tries his best not to show his disappointment, the build up has been intense and it's frustrating to feel himself denied, but he knows you love it. you love making him desperate, making him beg.

he concedes: this is what you like, so it’s what he likes.

but his disappointment is quickly brushed away as you get up off of him to take off your beautiful bloody dress, and your undergarments too. for all of the blood on your face, neck, chest, and arms, the rest of you is mostly untouched, and he finds the difference rather amusing. your stomach and thighs look so soft and innocent.

he gazes at you lustfully as you remove your clothes, his breath catching in his throat as he stares at your naked body. he can’t think, can’t breathe, his eyes going everywhere they’re not supposed to. he can only try so hard to be a gentleman.

"you.. are going to make me your wife," you say, voice carrying an air of certainty. you are not suggesting. you are telling him what's going to happen, and he will obviously obey, “you’ll buy me a pretty ring. nothing expensive, don’t waste your money on something stupid like a diamond. and you’ll take me on a beautiful honeymoon, and we’ll spend every moment of those days together just fucking like rabbits. understood?”

marriage was never something he considered until you called yourself his ‘pretty little wife’ to be honest, but with the way you're demanding it now... it's something he'd easily give in to, "okay" he finally manages to whisper back, "anything for my beautiful wife."

you smile gently, settling back onto his lap, pussy aching for the cock in front of you, so desperate to fill you up, “you ready, baby?” you ask.

leon nods, his eyes fluttering briefly at your words, “yeah, i'm ready," he mumbles, his breath already short and his heart beating so hard he's surprised that you can't hear it.

you slide him inside, giving yourself a moment to adjust. leon can't help but find the slight discomfort in your face cute.

you moan gently, resting your hands on his shoulders, "o-oh, ah..."

he can hear every soft sound and breath that escapes your lips as you begin to move, and he can't help but let out a soft groan as well. his hands grip tightly around you, tightening every time you moan or gasp.

leon holds onto you for dear life, he knows he's already so close to finishing, he could really blow any second, but the longer this goes, the longer this moment lasts, the more intense it gets. you’re going to kill him one of these days.

"l-lee.." you gasp, hips rocking back and forth, almost circular motions.

"oh god.. baby..." he lets out a tense moan as you ride him, movements gentle but somehow still so overwhelming. his fingertips dig into your shoulders as he tries to keep himself restrained, but he's at the very edge of his control.

every movement sends a jolt through his body, his muscles flexing and releasing with everything he's got to keep himself from finishing before you.

“leon…” you groan again, and he never really realizes the effect he has on you until your body is trembling as you ride his cock. your voice isn’t quite begging, but he almost hears it like that. it sounds like a love confession wrapped up in his name. he doesn’t see it until all of your defenses are down, but you love him so helplessly that it must be scary.

god, he wants to hold you in his arms forever and never let you go. protect his serial killer for the rest of her days.

he lets out another tense, breathy moan as you start to move even faster, you're pushing him to the limit. every sensation that he feels is so intense, he can hardly handle it, it takes every ounce of self-discipline in his body to keep himself from finishing early, but that’s what you get for edging him right before. you put him at a huge disadvantage.

“wait for me..” you whisper, “wanna cum with you..”

he nods his head, his eyes squeezed shut as a trembling breath escapes from his lips. he's trying his hardest to wait for you to finish, the urges and sensations within him are overwhelming and he feels as though he might explode at any moment.

and he does unfortunately, just a moment early, but it kick-starts your orgasm so for the most part, you’re both gasping and moaning and breathing fast and shaky and helpless together, hands grasping at any skin they can reach as you’re pulled ever closer to him. he sticks his head into the crook of your neck as your pretty pussy squeezes around him. he feels breathless and helpless, holding you like he’d die without you. he feels your heavy breath and your hands tightly gripping him, you must be completely gone, orgasm hitting you in waves that squeeze every drop of cum out of him.

you’re his, he realizes. completely, utterly his. you need him. you can’t go on without leon and there is nothing more pleasing than being your lifeline. your face makes that cute little pout, dried bloody fingers making his shoulders red, but this time it might just be his blood. your nails are digging into him, but he can’t blame you. you’re too lost in pleasure to realize what you’re doing.

once you both start to slow and calm down, breathing returning to a more normal pace, you lean down to rest your head on his chest.

after a moment, you ask him, “are you really gonna marry me?”

“mhm,” he hums, fingers brushing against your head, licking his thumb to try and rub off the dried blood on your forehead, “i'll get you a ring and get down on one knee and everything.”

“what will our wedding be like?”

“whatever you want, princess,” he closes his eyes, “i don't have a single care in the world about what flowers you pick or if you want to invite people or if you just want it to be us two and an officiant in the empty wedding chapel. i just want to call you my wife. my sweet, pretty wife. my girl. my only love.”

you giggle, nuzzling closer into his chest, “detective kennedy. my husband,” you grin cutely, “my leon. mine.”

burgundy drips from his fingertips as he brushes them against your cheek, “yours.”

#leon kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon s. kennedy #leon kennedy smut #resident evil #leon kennedy resident evil #resident evil smut #sub!leon #moon.dc #moon.g #resident evil x reader #resident evil leon #resident evil imagines

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huggingtentacles · 7 days

Text

Alright you just beat Elden Ring. Congratulations! You're now one of the cool folks who can actually beat the game, and you're not ready to put it down yet.

Maybe PvP intimidates you and you just wanna explore the world again. You may try a new build sure, but now that you know more about the game, you might wanna try something different, like a challenge run.

"huggingtentacles I am trash at the game there is no way I could do any of the cool runs, I died to Radagon a bazillion times"

NO, You are good enough to try any challenge run! You can define what a challange is for yourself! There is no need to jump into something insane like a rune level 1 run or a torch only run. You can set any restriction you want, and completing the game with an additional challange is immensely more satisfying (and gives you bragging rights)

There are many different challange runs all varying in difficulty. Here are the runs that I've done personally.

Easy:

Region Lock Run — the premise is simple, you can't leave the region you are in unless you best the major boss(es) of that region. You can't go to Liurnia untill you beat Margit, you can't go to Altus untill you beat Rennala, etc. This run is fun because you can't skip over progression (like killing the Caelid dragon early with bleed to be overlevelled for Limgrave) which makes every fight feel appropriately difficult.

Starting Class Run — Only use the gear you start the game with. You can level up and upgrade your weapons and flask, but you can't use any other consumables and talismans you didn't start the game with. This run is quite flexible in difficulty because whether you choose to, say, use ashes of war or different spells or even golden seeds is ultimately up to you. All of them count.

No spirit summons — for some this is just the normal Elden Ring run, but for most it's a challange. While it can be somewhat difficult, not having spirit summons still leaves you with enough options to steamroll through the game if you. The challenge comes from actually learning the bosses and their patterns and engaging with combat more.

No status effects — As simple as it sounds. Perhaps you used to crutch on bleed, frost, rot or poison, now you can't. There are plenty of other very powerful damage options in the game, so the run is definitely not very hard, it only limits your arsenal somewhat.

Spells only/melee only — depending on what your previous run was. If you're used to standing behind and throwing pebbles, picking up a weapon might be a fun new challenge. And if you are used to your Big Sword, it's gonna be kinda hard to adjust to managing your FP and putting together a build.

Medium:

Spirit Summons Only — moderately difficult because it requires rather extensive knowledge of the game's mechanics. The basic premise is that you can only deal damage using spirit summons. You can restrict it to bosses only or to the whole run in general. It's an absolutely hilarious run. The AI built into the game can beat the entire game for you. Including the hardest endgame bosses like Malenia. Also playing as a support, healing and buffing your summons is really fun :)

No Crimson Flask — LISTEN. I swear it's not that hard. Yes it sucks a bit in the early game, but there are so many tools and options available to completely replace your flask with regen and heal spells. Just level up your vigor. This run is incredibly fun and it's good if you are aiming for harder runs in the future but aren't sure if you have it in you. I know you do ;)

Taunter's Tongue Run — Definitely my FAVOURITE of all of them. Its incredibly simple: you get Taunter's Tongue as soon as you get access to Roundtable Hold and you turn it on forever. Fight invaders alone or with a friend in 2v2s. If you don't have any PvP experience, this is one of the ways to learn. By the end of it, you won't be half bad at PvP, trust me (unless you just run away all the time which is also an option)

Hard:

Rune Level 1 is such a difficult run to do, but the cultural legacy of Fromsoft "no leveling up" runs makes the completion of it so desirable. Completing this run basically makes you part of the small section of people who actually know how to fight every single boss without relying on cheap tactics and cheese. You learn how to counter every move most enemies make because of how unforgiving it is.

But what's more fun is the sheer variety. Stat boosting gear is so common in this game you can literally use almost anything you want as a weapon.

Permadeath — If you die, you restart. Use any tools at your disposal to survive, play it safe, level up your vigor. But most importantly, brace for setbacks. Restarting because of a dumb mistake sucks, but that's why it's such an impressive run to complete. If you can take a loss on Elden Beast and make it to the inside of the Erdtree again, you will achieve one of the hardest challanges ER has to offer.

An easier variation of Permadeath would be "no rune loss" run. There are tools the game gives you to avoid losing runes, but it's still a very difficult run.

Torch Only Run — You pick up a standard torch from Church of Elleh and you use it to Kill God.

An easier variation would be Torches Only run which allows you to use the entire arsenal of torches. Still a very difficult run that requires a lot of skill to beat.

Impossible:

No Thinking About Kissing Malenia run — still working on this one. Can't figure it out. If you have advice please DM me

Feel free to add more challange run ideas!

#elden ring #shitpost #elden ring pvp #invader talk #elden ring invasions #elden ring challange runs

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sparklingsora · 2 months

Note

Hi. I would like to know many things about your roleswap au bc I love it very much but I have no idea what to ask I just want to know many things bc my brain has been consumed already

uhhhhh I guess can you lore dump a little bit on backstories? Idk I just wanna know everything about this au

I will be back in your ask box for this au several times most likely

-Spaghetti Brain Anon

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!!! i am SO glad that i could get this au to live in someone else's brain rent free too. all i could ever ask for in life tbh i guess i'll infodump about character backstories, dynamics, character arcs, all that juicy stuff putting it under cut because HO BOY THIS IS GONNA GET LONG

as a heads up, take the timeframes i give you with a grain of salt, because i still havent completely figured out the timeline so first of all, vox!! he's a sinner, died in the 1950s, as per canon. he's a businessman, but less stable than in canon. he's always jumping from job to job, business to business, which results in him having a lot of connections with various people around hell. soon after arriving in hell, he met and became friends with alastor. cut to, i'd say around 7-10 years before the events of the story? alastor disappears without a trace during an extermination and vox assumes him dead. having now been personally touched by the effects of the extermination, the idea to try and solve overpopulation another way is planted in his head, but wont come to fruition until much later. in the meantime he meets velvette - finds her bleeding out in an alleyway after getting too cocky and trying to fight back to an exorcist (bad idea). he nurses her back to health, they become friends and eventually start dating, yada yada yada. one day vox and velvette find a funky little cat (keekee). keekee takes a liking to them and leads them to the old ruins of a building up on the hill on the edge of pentagram city. they figure out that the cat turns into a keyblade that can be used to magically build shit (only the hotel though, as keekee is the spirit of the hotel or??? whatever the hell the canon lore is idk???) vox finally decides to realize his idea to try and solve overpopulation more humanely - through redeeming sinners! his reasoning is, if angels can fall (as proven by lute and charlie), then demons can surely ascend, right? though he's not as sure or idealistic about it as charlie is in canon. he simply thinks it has a chance of working, and opening up a hotel means a bigger sample size than if he were to just try and get into heaven himself or something like that. besides, he wouldnt wanna go to heaven, he likes it here. also, im not sure where this is situated in the timeline yet, but he was in a band with adam, lute and possibly eve at some point? the band is called brimstone eden, as mentioned in the comic i posted. im not sure yet whether he was in the band prior to eve's disappearance or after it (eve disappears 7 years before the story starts to mirror canon lilith). swap!vox, like his canon counterpart, is a very reactive person. he follows trends, he's extremely go-with-the-flow to a fault. he never really had any strong beliefs until the hotel - his character arc mainly involves him gaining something to believe in and learning to fight for that belief, 'ready for this' being more or less the culmination of his arc. jesus christ i cant believe i wrote that much JUST on vox. *slaps the top of his head* this boy can fit so much lore in him

now, velvette... she's how you'd expect her to be. same old brave, arrogant velvette. she's a fashion designer and seamstress and runs a moderately sized business which she promotes on sinstagram. she's mutuals with val there, which is how he finds out about the hotel. there's not much to write home about when it comes to val - it's insane how similar angel and him are. like literally barely anything changes when you swap them, it's very clean. he's a prn star, sold his soul to angel dust, yada yada. though a bit on his dynamic with vox - vox is very good at reading people, and doesn't like being lied to (he's a bit of a hypocrite in that regard - he puts on a facade all the time when in professional settings). he can clearly tell val isnt doing as good as he pretends he is, and wants to help him really badly, but val just sees it as vox pitying him and rejects his help (its what they fight about in ep 4, as a counterpart to the whole "charlie going to the studio" thing bc vox wouldnt do that) and now here's the fun part - ALASTOR! oh, alastor, you beautiful stuck up bitch! so turns out, he's not so dead after all! he ALMOST died in that fateful extermination, but husk found him and offered him a "give me your soul right now or bleed out in this alleyway" type deal. of course alastor chose the former, but boy he's not happy about it. he's extremely ashamed of how far he's fallen. so ashamed, in fact, that he hid from the world for those 7-10 years! yeah! he's only pulled out of hiding when husk summons him to be the bartender for the hotel. vox is of course, extremely bewildered and demands answers. alastor doesnt give them and avoids him instead. it takes a sincere conversation with valentino in ep 4 for alastor to finally talk to vox again and explain himself. alastor is basically in extremely deep denial of just how fucked his life is. he clings onto his radio demon persona like a lifeline bc its the last thing that can help him feel some semblance of control over his situation. his tension with valentino is twofold - first they butt heads because of opposing personalities, and second because they both see the other's bullshittery. it's a clusterfuck it eventually bubbles over in ep 4, they both admit how absolutely fucked they are and are friends now. wish i could say more on al & val bc i love them very much but it seems ive run out of eloquency for now. though i know i'll draw some comics of them eventually so maybe it'll come across better in comic form. anyway as mentioned above ive run out of eloquency and im honestly not sure how coherent this whole thing is so you'll have to come back for the other characters some other time, dear anon! until then, thank you so much for the ask once again, and have a nice day/night :)

#askbox #veeswap au

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cogcltrcorn · 10 months

Text

there is so much fucking Lore about kendall in the first few eps (coming Purely from everything we know about rava and from his attempts as ceo) that I feel get. dismissed most of the time. or maybe I am an insane man reading tea-leaves like "wow this is actually incredible kendall characterisation"

like. he isn't positioned as being "blue", but. he is, isn't he. his marriage with rava was probably almost entirely based on the promise of "well, let's wait it (logan's bullshit) out for a bit and then when I take over it's gonna be butterflies and rainbows". they adopt a brown child. they are clearly raising iverson with a level of awareness of his asd that signifies a level of involvement in progressive politics (with the important caveat of them both being hyper-priveleged one percenters). kenrava were out there thinking they were brangelina.

and! ken may not fucking say that he hates waystar, but. he fucking does, doesn't he??? he sees the company as old and feeble and near absolete and, well, logan is right to be scared that kendall will fucking sell the company from under him because kendall KIND OF WANTS TO. because if you are a capitalist that sees an old haunted house you fucking demolish it to build a parking lot. like, he talks about waystar being bloated and ancient and unadaptive and well. BRINGING IN STEWY IS NOT ONLY A MATTER OF NEEDING MONEY AND BEING DICKMATIZED. kendall would "force a boardseat on him for the optics" and what Are the optics of bringing a private equity shark onto the board of a company you have described as the fucking TITANIC??? s1 kendall may be fucking delusional about his ability to revitalize waystar (which. Is a sinking ship. from the pure market perspective), but he isn't incompetent. he has a good understanding of the problems the company has, he has a good understanding of the trends of the market, in the same way he sees the issues logan has, both as a father and as a businessman. and he feels like it is his sacred right to inherit the waystar and make it a hyper digital diversified company of the new age (tm), which would be against logan's will, but that's unimportant, because kendall is the second coming of christ and the inheritor of everything good about logan and the sacred flame that gets rid of everything bad about logan. there is this level of insane capitalist myth making going on in his head that makes him believe that making waystar more Progressive will make it more Profitable and vice versa, so they are basically the Same Thing, right? in his mind racism is bad because it's outdated and unappealing to younger demos. if shiv thinks that she can through her enlightened understanding of politics make waystar work for Her Ideals, bringing about a better world of girlbossing and moderate republican nominees, kendall dreams of a perfect centrist company existing in a perfect centrist utopia, where they make a bajillion dollars globally without committing politically or financially to anything other than being Liked. kendall is a neolib, at his core.

#succession #kendall roy #stewy hosseini #shiv roy #succession hbo

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cozylittleartblog · 4 months

Note

hey, so I'm trying to figure out what places would be good to sell my own art at, and I'm wondering- what has been your experience with selling on etsy? I've heard mixed reviews from people, and I want to know your perspective as an etsy seller.

etsy is not perfect but i think it gets a little more shit than it deserves, i've thought about opening my own website but generally i'm actually pretty okay with the services i get on etsy compared to what it costs so i'm just gonna make a subjective pros/cons list for you under the cut (because its loooong)

oh and if anyone else has experience selling on etsy and would like to add their two cents in the replies/reblogs please do!

Pros

⭐ The search function - this is etsy's biggest selling point. it already has a dedicated userbase of millions of people and a search feature to help them find your shop, which takes a lot of the load of marketing off your shoulders, and marketing is a huge factor for pushing sales. i am not good at marketing and a lot of my sales just come from people searching my stuff up lol

⭐ Purchase protection program - if USPS loses or damages your package, you file a missing package report and they confirm they don't know where it is, Etsy will refund your buyers order out of their own pocket (under $250). this is my favorite etsy feature because USPS likes to eat packages every now and again. delicious keychains. if you had your own storefront, you'd just have to replace the order yourself.

⭐ Share & Save program - every time someone makes an order on your shop through a special Share & Save link, etsy will refund you 4% of the fees. it's a nice perk to doing some of your own marketing and it helps combat the moderately high etsy fees!

Trackable letter mail - selling stickers but think it's insane to charge $4 shipping? you can buy letter mail labels for about the rate of regular postage, which is like .65c. this tracking is done through etsy though so you can't track with usps, but it does give customers a little peace of mind. this only works in the 50 US states though.

Customs forms built into your shipping label - shipping internationally is a nightmare. etsy makes it easy though, generating everything you need to ship internationally on one label that you just have to sign and date and slap on your package like normal. for some countries they will actually just have your package sent to a domestic facility where they literally do all that for you. this is miles easier than having to do all that paperwork yourself.

buy shipping labels directly from etsy - related point, and just what it says on the tin. when you fulfill an order, you can buy your labels right there on Etsy so you don't have to mess around with a third party website. it comes out of your sale funds so you don't need to charge a card or a bank account or anything.

star seller program - some people say this is completely useless but i actually disagree! it's incredibly easy to earn this badge, and it lets buyers know you've got some of the best products, shipping, and customer service around. it helps you stand out from some of the more... questionable shops on the website.

sales tax - they remit sales tax for you. i don't think any of the other online platforms similar to etsy do this but i could be wrong. doing any kind of taxes sucks so i consider it a perk if they do it for you.

website promotions - every now and again etsy likes to host sales out of their own pocket. you get all the perks of having a sale without eating into ur profit margin. HUGE sale booster

generally the site is just very easy to learn and use and it's very beginner and dumbass friendly. i say this as a former beginner and current dumbass 👍

Cons

❌ the fees. oogh the fees. they claim it's just a 6.5% fee per sale, but on top of that you have to pay .20c automatically for every individual item you sell, plus there are processing fees (3% + .25c) that apply both to the item you sold AND the cost of shipping. i think it comes out to like 10% total in fees on average @ > @

❌ but wait, there's more fees! if you make more than $10k in sales a year (very easy number to hit actually) you are forced to participate in offsite ads, which i believe takes 15% of your total sale on top of the fees in the previous point. these kinds of sales are not as common as you'd think, but it's still annoying having a couple bucks shaved off your profits a few times a month because of them.

corporate bullshit - etsy is like renting a space in a mall. you don't own your lot, nor the mall itself, so if upper management decides to make any stupid ass decisions, you just have to deal with it or pick up and move. if they decide to raise fees again, you just gotta Deal. you are a little bit helpless on this website unfortunately

the push for discounts - etsy is constantly shoving it in your face that they want you to do discounts. they want you to have free shipping on orders over $35, they want you to do 25% off or more on sales, they want you to have returning customer discounts and abandoned cart discounts and 'you recently favorited this item' discounts - but you already have to compete with the steep fees, and when a customer gets free shipping, you still owe USPS that $4-ish bucks to send the package. you don't have to do any of this, but they do reward participating shops by favoring them in the algorithm and search results, so you can feel like you're missing out.

there aren't as many cons imo but they Are steeper cons. generally etsy is very beginner friendly and easy to get into and set up, and in spite of everything i do actually recommend everyone looking to get into online retail start on etsy and perhaps move to other platforms in the future. plus, you can combat all the fees by just... making your prices a dollar or two higher than you initially wanted to, and using your 'save and share' link as frequently as possible. the fees are a little bit much, but you have to think about what you get in exchange:

the search is invaluable, you could argue the fees are partially a marketing budget lmao. if you have a private website you alone have to push traffic to your website, and not as many people know about things like shopify and bigcartel so they might not be as trusting putting their card details into it. i miss out on a lot of REALLY COOL STUFF because artists only advertise on instagram and i don't hear about them, meanwhile if i want some cool owl house stuff i can literally just search that in etsy and find a lot of TOH stuff super easily. i cannot highlight enough how GOOD the search function is, especially in this day and age where social media like instagram and twitter will blacklist your posts if you say words like 'shop' or 'sale' and now nobody can find your stuff in that website's search either. its very hard to do your own marketing now a days :(

being able to refund customer's lost orders out of the company's pocket is such a nice thing to fall back on if you have to and worth its weight in fees. USPS lost like... four or five packages of mine in december. that's like $100 or more worth of stuff that Etsy Covered Completely, and a lot of the times the customer will take that refund to make their order again. don't abuse this system, make sure you check with usps that the package is actually Gone, but it's a godsend when you don't make billions of dollars and eating the cost of lost orders would otherwise sting a bit.

if etsy did not make international shipping easy i simply would not ship anywhere but the US to be honest. shipping to europe is still a headache though but that's because europe is stupid

that's everything i can think of, but tl;dr yes please open an etsy 👍 i recommend it completely in spite of everything

⭐ if anyone wants to open their own etsy shop, use my referral link to make your first 40 listings for free! :)c ⭐

#etsy #small business #advice #ask #anonymous #anon #selling on etsy

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qiutls · 10 months

Text

TNGDH 005

That bad man.

A man without blood nor tears. A really terrible person. So merciless... I roared into the sawdust, floundering my limbs all around.

― Squeak! [ Give me back my wheel, you punk! ]

I'm not even halfway through the mission!

How can you only look at documents and pretend that you're not interested in this hamster at all then stab me in the back like this, huh? If I knew you were looking, I would have pretended to run moderately.

Indeed, I was stupid to believe that a crazy hamster otaku like him would be indifferent to me for even a minute. I'm the Northern Grand Duke and I'm superior to a running hamster, as if.

Kyle even went on patrol the next day taking the wheel with him. It's absolutely insane. There's no work to do, nor miracles in this cage, and I can't even do other quests.

That enemy-like miracle...

I climbed the slide from the end part to the middle, then let myself slide down, repeating it a few times and then sighing heavily at the end.

I want to live like a human being until I die. Forget about eating well, or living luxuriously. I just want to live as a human, as defined by the dictionary!

Anyway, time went by against my will.

It was a day filled with playing and eating. Riding down the slide, eating walnuts, taking a nap, eating peanuts, stretching my body at a breathing room, eating sunflower seeds, riding the swing, eating pistachios...

I hear it's a cold neighborhood, are nuts a specialty? It's a great place to build a burum restaurant. It's only difficult to peel the nuts if you try and peel it all at once, but if you put it in a bowl, peel it little by little whenever you think of it...

/burum means assorted nuts, specifically walnuts, pine nuts, peanuts and etc./

...Fuck, what the hell are am I thinking?

I'm already thinking like a hamster.

All of a sudden, I started to fear what if I adapt to the situation casually like this. I'm a human being! I'm an intelligent person!

"Cashew Nut."

Kyle came back long after sunset.

I don't if he came in at a late time since I couldn't see the clock from here, and during winter in Blake's estate, nighttime took up more than half of the day.

He returned to the study to find me, but I pretended to not know. I wasn't in the mood.

Well, isn't this situation pretty.

I crumpled my body into the passageway between the first and second floors of the house that's not easily seen from the outside. He looked around the house for a while before giving up and returning to his bedroom.

He obviously looked disappointed, but....

Well, if you give me back my wheel, maybe I'll meet you face to face for a bit.

The next day, we met with a transparent passage between us. The frustrated Northern Grand Duke visited the study before sunrise.

"I'll be back soon."

He spoke affectionately, with his face close to mine.

"From today on, let's control your diet. Your body seemed to not be able to fit in that passageway."

Wait a minute... What the hell is this guy saying?

I lost my breath for a bit due to the shock of hearing those words.

But Kyle moved quickly, he was already pouring out the contents of my bowl. My bowl full of nuts... No... It's all empty, leaving only three almonds.

"I don't want you to strain your joints. I've still left some, so it'll be fine until the night. I'm busy preparing for the festival, so I think I'll come in late again today."

―…….

"...As expected, is it too little?"

Before I could protest, the man behind him said.

"No, I have heard from the magician that the growth period for the hamster have yet to come, Your Highness. The food is enough."

What are you talking about. What do you mean controlling my diet? Do you not have eyes? It's wrong to eat just one nut for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

It's the first time since school meals, that I'm eating food as someone else had planned. I looked up at Kyle, staring at him ridiculously and kicked the bowl over.

A dirty and cheap life, I can't even eat whatever I want.

I want to eat chicken with beer, salmon with capers, chicken feet, tteokbeokki, pane pasta.... Greasy, spicy, and bad for your health, it's something that only Koreans can eat!

"I guess, I'd better let him exercise a little."

"Yes, Your Highness, it's not good to overdo it, but it's still better than having it gain too much weight."

"Alright."

Kyle nodded his head, and with a grave look, put back the wheel in my house.

Yes! That's right!

I looked up at him, my blue eyes shining. He really looked like an angel today.

Get ready the party will start shortly. I only need to run 800 laps, not a single more and I'm done with this hamster life!

Let's calm down for now, if I ride it as soon as you give it to me, you'll probably take it away again. I pretended to be as calm as possible, and turned my head away from the wheel as if I didn't care that it has finally returned to my arms.

Kyle looked at me for a long time, his eyes were practically saying, "you're so cute, I could die."

Look at him, it seems like he had kissed me a hundred times with just those eyes alone. You've grown a lot, you already know how to control yourself when someone's next to you.

"Do you like that demonic beast that much, Your Highness?"

I heard their conversation as they were about to leave.

"Apparently, it's a northern field mouse type of beast, it's a bit late to give a mana stone for it's heart, so it's physical strength is weak but... It's able to socially interact and above all, it's pretty smart.

"Anyways, it's still young, that's why the size is a bit... It does resemble a hamster, however, if you look closely, it's just golden fur...

"It's just a mouse." /all the dialogue above is from the man accompanying Kyle/

"What do you mean, just a mouse?"

Kyle answered coldly and turned to him. "Are your eyes defective?"

"... Y-your Highness, I-"

"Enough, while I finish the paperwork for the celebrations, fetch me a small needle and some yarn."

"What will you do with it, Your highness?"

"There's no need to know, I'll be using it for important stuff, so only bring high quality ones."

"Yes, Your Highness."

Kyle left the study, while coughing. "This winter is especially cold."

This punk, don't tell me...

You're not going to knit my clothes, are you? Don't be weirdly domestic, Grand Duke, if you don't want to see this fragile hamster grab the back of your neck with just one hand.

The mere imagination of it made my body shiver and I rubbed my limbs quickly. Forget it, let's not think about it.

I quickly climbed onto the wheel. That's right, running on the wheel is best way to empty your mind. Now that I have the hang of it, I'll surely be able to finish 800 laps quickly.

I took a deep breath and began to move my four feet.

With a clatter, the wheel began to move slowly.

Now let's go with the flow, think about something peaceful and pleasant. Pizza, bulgogi, sundae gukbap... I felt my mouth watering and continued to run on the wheel with more force.

[ 0217/1000 ] …… [ 0322/1000 ] …… [ 0445/1000 ]

The numbers went up smoothly.

At this rate, I'm confident that there will be no hamster who can spin a wheel better than me. It's worthwhile to do this and count the number of times, so I think I'm accumulating points.

I just looked at the system window running, the number was between 600 to 700. Look at this, won't I be able to finish it soon.

I was a little hungry, so I was going to take a break and eat, but then I remembered what Kyle and the man discussed earlier.

What? Control my diet? Was I stuck in the passageway with my big body?

No, I won't eat anymore. I'll lose weight, and if I die, then I'll make him regret it.

I turned the wheel frantically with strange enthusiasm, refusing to rest. I was a little bit worried that the screw might fall off at this rate.

So, when I first heard a creaking sound, I thought this enormous wheel have finally met its end.

Huh, but is this really the right sound?

"Does the Grand Duke hide women in the castle?"

"I heard he loves her so much that he'll spend the day cooped up in here."

... A woman?

"You idiot! Why would you hide a woman in the study? You should put her in your bedroom, of course."

"... Really? Well, let's just search here for a bit, then go to the bedroom."

"That's right, by any chance we might get lucky and find some military secret in here."

I stopped turning the wheel and looked down at the men that crawled in through the door, literally.

The approached the desk, in a weird posture, they were wearing black masks. One look and you'd be able to tell, these people were not invited guests.

"Let's catch the woman, or maybe kill her."

"Right, if it's a commoner, then it will be pretty easy."

"Isn't that why he keeps her hidden, because she has no status?"

The masked men, no the thieves exchanged stories amongst themselves and searched the drawers. Documents in the top column, documents in the next, as well as third one. And in the last column-

"What's this?"

One of the men pulled out a bag from the drawer. I sat next to my bowl, eating the almonds as I watched them.

"Macadamia?"

There's one there too? For your information, there's also a bag of those in the small drawer next to the door.

Crunch. Crunch.

The thieves fell silent, and only the sound of me eating nuts could be heard in the study. Only then did they notice my existence and slowly approached me.

"What's this?"

"It looks like a mouse."

"Doesn't it look weird, this fur... it's gold right?"

"... Is it a demonic beast?"

"As expected from the Northern Great Duke."

No, I'm just an ordinary hamster.

I took the last almond and filmed a mukbang. Well? Bring me the macadamias in your hand. Three almonds are not enough for me.

"... Do you think it's expensive?"

The thief moved it's mouth after staring at me for a long time. They exchanged glances and soon began to open the hamster cage.

You guys really didn't have any plan before coming here huh?

Talked about finding a woman and kidnapping her. But now you're kidnapping a hamster instead?

There's no backbone at all. How could such clumsy people try to steal. It's a miracle they didn't get caught on their way here.

I sighed without looking at the hand coming down from the ceiling of my house. Should I approach slowly? Is now a good time?

At that moment.

Clang! The sound of glass breaking echoed throughout the room.

"W-What's that?"

The three thieves, no, more like meerkats suddenly turned their heads towards the window, like real meerkats.

"How dare you touch what's mine?"

The voice was like a sharp blade, resembling the wind of the highest highlands of the north. It felt like frost. The cowards, then began to tremble, as if they had already died three times just by hearing the voice.

Ah... I mean, this is karma if you look at it technically. In other words, it's time for the teacher to reprimand you.

[ How dare you kidnap my sweet little hamster! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ]

I didn't mean it that way. By the way, why are you so excited?

"You won't be able to take another step."

No... Is it really a death penalty for touching a hamster?

Kyle pulled out a knife from his waistband.

... I really didn't think it would turn out this way.

novel ⠀✿⠀ next

#TNGDH

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