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ktchie · 6 months

Text

'Save a horse ride a cowboy'

Ted x reader

Fluff and smut

♡additional tags: smut, p in v, creampie, reader hates Halloween, Ted in a cowboy costume, a little daddy kink, She/her pronouns.

♤7.4k words

◇ she hates Halloween but maybe Ted can change that?

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Her dreaded day is fast approaching, the leaves scattered around the ground - brown and dry from the autumn.

A lone pumpkin, yellow and bright under the shying sun, glare at her from a stairwell of a random flat. Its triangle eyes, hollow from any emotion and sympathy seemingly bore into her as if telling her to submit to its command and the inevitable event that will happen 2 days from now.

She averted her eyes quickly, sweat dripped down her nape as she fasten her pace.

She hated Halloween more than any day there is, she would rather choose her family's dysfunctional Christmas dinner with 5 grown adults yelling at eachother and 3 crying children than be caught dead wearing a ridiculous costume that would tarnish her reputation and self image.

Contrary to Roy, she doesnt hate Halloween because of the loud children and their questionable attire that varies from appropriate character from a cartoon show or a superhero franchise and to some wierd and super inappropriate costume that would and will get a atleast 50 concern side eyes (like a nun smoking a tobacco or pope Francis with devil horns and blood pouring out of his mouth)

She hated Halloween because of her coworkers (mainly Rebecca, keeley and Higgins) and their insistent for her to wear a bloody costumes every damn year. Rebecca would email her and would ask her what she will be going as on the Halloween, the first few times it would only be an additional note, a passing normal interest at the month of October but as the day goes by and the 3rd week rolls around Rebecca's previous important email that is relevant to the well being of the club was replaced by a 5 to 10 sentence regarding the importance of Halloween and how essential it is, to both to yourself and to others, to wear a costume and to have fun. The email will come to her 2 times in one day, sometimes even 3 and in worst times even 5 (if Rebecca is really desperate or in a sour mood) which will automatically go into her spam folder.

And it is also widely known on Richmond that Keeley Jones goes a little unhinged whenever the month of October rolls by. Her energy seems to crank up to its highest peak when the autumn breeze finally grace her skin. So naturally, Halloween would be a BIG BIG deal for her. Massive deal. A deal the size of Asia and Europe combined. A deal that she, unfortunately, has to deal with too.

Keeley Jones, despite of having a own company of her to run, was quiet frequent on the Afc Richmond building. Always lurking on the hallway with her bright pink shoes and heart melting grin (in the normal month) however, when its October - Keleey's only destination is her own fucking office. She would burst in guns blazing and teeth bared with no knocking whatsoever and ask her (more like yelled at her) what her costume will be on Halloween, in which she would proceed to answer with 'none' which in return would make Keeley Jones fumed with anger and rant about her being no fun while calling her all kinds of creative names under the sun.

The two women was both amusing and irritating at the same time, she had to admit that their desperation to get her to celebrate the nonsense Holliday of the 31st of October was quiet funny in their own way. What is not funny however is Higgins..

Leslie Higgins, a man as gentle as a falling feather and whose laugh could light up the entire room, can actually turn into a 10feet tall demonic entity whenever he heard 'Halloween' and 'no costume' in one sentence. Maybe it has something to do with him being a father of 5 children, getting so used to dressing them up that it was downright ridiculous and criminal that she wouldn't. He would breath heavily like a bull whenever she say no and he would look at her in the eye and speak to her, though very calmly she could very well see the veins throbbing on his forehead, and would explain how important it is for her to dress up and to celebrate the day because if he wouldn't he would no longer talk to her and would rather die than be near her ever again (dramatic, but something tells her he wasn't lying)

So, in a desperate attempt to make him leave and calm down she had agreed, she told Leslie she's going to dress up and that he doesn't have to worry about anything else.

She's still deciding if she's lying or not.

She opened her front door with a sigh, the exhaustion visible on her tired eyes.

She had gone home more later than everyone else because of the heavy work load that she had let pile up over the last few weeks due to her avoidance to go to work and accidently bump into the monster trio.

She sat down on her couch before throwing her shoes somewhere in the room, groaning in pleasure as her back met the soft cushion.

The comfort of her own home enveloping her suddenly, all the tension gone from her shoulder and all the worrying thoughts of her work vanish from her head.

Then her phone rang,

"Goddammit.." she mumbled with a frown, head thrown back and eyes closed. She let it rung for a few second before reaching for it.

"Hello?" Her voice was groggy, a clear indication she was tired.

"Yellow!" Ted's voice were loud on the other side of the phone, awfully cheery despite it being late in the evening. "You takin' a nap? You sounds a lil' raspy, oh no I didnt wake ya up did i?"

A soft smile made its way on her lips, a smile only Ted could make. "Uh no, I was about to though. I just got back from work"

"You just got back?! Don't office hours end at 5?!"

"Got alot of work that held me back, I don't want to let it keep piling up on my desk like a leaning tower of Pisa"

"Darn, you must have a heck of a day" she hummed in confirmation before closing her eyes again. "Have you even had lunch yet? Ya didnt came in the locker room earlier, thought ya had lunch on your own but now I have a suspicion that you didnt eat at all"

She took her time to answer, Ted's voice bringing her comfort and making her a little drowsy. "Didnt eat lunch, im planning to order a pizza later for dinner"

"You sounds really tired, darlin' and listen, I know I ain't exactly the proper man to tell ya this but pizza ain't good for ya" Ted had replied, a hint of worry on his voice. "Pizza is a-okay once a week, but you been eatin' it nonstop these days, im gettin' a lil worried"

"Im not going to suddenly drop dead because of pizza, that will be a humiliating way to go out" she replied with a sigh, scratching her eye. "But sure whatever, ill have a cup of tea instead"

"I still can't believe y'all drink that sewer water willingly, you better eat something good with that garbage drink"

"I don't know what else to eat beside pizza if I'm being honest and I'm too fucking tired to cook anything else" she groaned and adjust herself on the coach. "I'll just have a big breakfast tomorrow"

"Are you tellin' me that tea is only thing you'll be having tonight?" he had stated, putting a harsh emphasis on the word 'tea' as if it was someone he wanted to kill.

"Am I hearin' you right, hun? Not only did you not eat lunch but you are willingly, without a gun to your pretty little head, going to drink that poop water and nothin' else?"

She laugh lightly and she desperately try to ignore the sick sick part of her brain that is telling her she looks like a giggling love sick school girl talking to her crush. "Yes Ted, im going to drink tea and only tea and head to bed. If you and a perfectly fine beverage have some beef going on, leave me out of it. I can't let you persuade me on hating our national drink and risk the Queen catching a whiff of my traitorous blood and shoot me in the head"

"She would do that?" Ted asked, genuinely afraid.

She chuckled "no, Ted. I'm fucking with you" she settled deep on the cushions, fully laying herself down.

"She'll hire a few men to raid my house and make my death look like a suicide"

"Oh well thats smart, but I prefer if you're alive and well"

She laugh a little "do you need something, Ted? Its quiet late, shouldn't you be watching some trashy reality show right now?"

"Oh it can wait, I can have coach beard summarize the love island for me tomorrow" he cheerily replied and some part of her are envious of him being so happy in such a tiring night. "I called ya because I wanna know what you'll be wearin' on Halloween night"

A glass shattered on the background and the small smile plastered on her lips fell as quickly as she can blink.

"Jesus christ, not you too" she groaned lowly, eyes closing not in exhaustion but in irritation.

"What? Just askin' cause im gosh darn curious! I asked boss what you'll be goin' as but she pulled a funny face and told me to ask you myself!"

She cursed Rebecca in her brain.

"What brought this on anyway?" She wiped her face with her hand with a sighed.

"Oh well our resident genius Nathan Shelby told me that Rebecca host the best Halloween party every year and it got me all kinds of exicted! 'Been awhile since I went to one of those, in college I always go to parties y'know? Even nonsense ones, I mostly went for the booze and the free food cause I was hella broke and I ain't got no money to even feed myself" Ted voice went down a little at the end, as if reminiscing the time where he couldn't even find a single nickle on his wallet. "So it got me thinkin' that I should really go all out this year, don't ya think so? My first party ever since I turned 30, I don't even know If I can still chug an entire jug of beer but we'll see"

"Jesus Ted, you sounds like frat boy" she grimaced lightly but a pleasant image of Ted wearing a backwards cup and a stupid grin on his baby face got her all giggly.

Maybe he'll let her do a body shot on him, lick the fucking salt on his neck and take him home to her flat the next minute.

"Oh I was a frat boy, alright! Got nothin' better to do in college than cause trouble and play football - y'know the one with a brown ball that looks like a wallnut? That football - though i didn't get to play much, coach said i was too giddy and too happy, that instead of making the other team annoyed i cheer them up, its crazy even Beardo said so. Speaking of Beard he was a beast back then! You should've seen him! You'll love him, he's always laughing and always loud, got in all kinds of bad troubles but he set himself straight in the end. I'm very proud of him"

She heard their story before from beard, or willis (he had revealed his name after weeks of nonstop questioning and obnoxious teasing) she had learned how they came to be Ted and Beard, how insufferable they were like two giggling school girls that had known eachother since birth. How beard became beard and how much an asshole (his own words, not hers) he was to Ted back then. He had told her the time he was sleeping on his couch, how his back felt funny and ache weirdly every morning, how he could map out Ted's house with his eyes closed and ears shut because of how much time he spent in there. How Henry felt so much like his kid, how he watch him grew up and how he had been there when the kid lost his first tooth or rode his own bike.

He owes Ted alot, he had told her. Said he would lay his down his life for him with no question ask and no hesitation on his mind. That Ted is kindest man he had ever met, that he see no wrong in someone even when its staring at him right in the face, even when his own friend stole the car he had been saving for since high-school and almost wreck it.

"Im sure you are, Ted" she replied, picking a piece of loose thread on her couch pillow. "I uh, I don't think I'll attend the party"

"YOU WHAT?!"

She quickly pull the phone away from her ear with a grimaced."Yeahhhh, I just don't really like partying"

"THATS A LIE! I KNOW YOU'RE LYIN' YOU KNOW WHAT? IM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW-"

"Ted im really tired-"

"And I'll make you more tired, don't you dare lock your door or I'll break it in I swear to god-"

She laughed lightly "are you actually going to come over? This is crazy Ted, and for what? Because I'm not coming to that stupid party?"

"IT AINT STUPID, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" He breathed heavily and she hear a clang of keys followed by a loud thump and a whisper of curse. "-shit, bump my darn knee on the table. This is your fault"

"Im not even there, Ted. That's all on you"

"Yeah but you got me all panicky and annoyed, im comin' over there I'm bringing my left over pasta so you could put a decent meal on your tummy"

God she's so stupidly inlove with him. "Is it your famous spaghetti that you have been bragging about these past few weeks? I heard its good, keleey said its to die for"

"Quit being sweet to me, missy. I'm still annoyed and I'm still comin' over and once I get there we're goin' to eat my pasta and talk about your bad decision okay? Like a proper talk, like a therapy session Dr. Sharon and I been doin' these past few weeks"

"Do I have to cry and tell you my childhood problems and let you figure out how it connects to my annoyance on Halloween?"

"See? Youre already pro at this, just sit pretty and wait for me"

She chuckled lightly and stretched, yawning. "Are you really going to come over?" She had asked "Cause I think I'm about to fall asleep now"

"Ya can fall asleep once I get there and after we ate my pasta, m'kay?" Ted replied followed by a front door closing and being locked.

She blink sleepy as she listen to him "alright, ill wait for you"

"Atta girl" he whispered and she tried to ignore the heat on her stomach as he did so.

Ted arrived with a loud bang, her door hitting the wall so hard she thought it would bust a hole in.

"What the hell?!" She lightly yelled before laughing, watching as Ted pant with a Tupperware of spaghetti on his left hand.

"Sorry, god, wait gotta catch my breath first" he hit his chest a couple of times and cough a little. "Okay, sorry, got excited. But I brought my spaghetti!" He raised it with a large grin, dimple and teeth out and oh she wish she could kiss him right there.

"I see that you did" she leaned on the marble bar of her kitchen as she watched him walked over to her, eyes ranking up and down.

God he looks good, how dare he?

"And I see that you're still sleepy" he grinned and put the tupper wear down beside her, looking down to meet her eyes.

"Gonna put you to bed, after our talk m'kay?"

"That a promise?" She blinked at him flirty, a sweet smirk playing on her lips.

"N-not that kind of put to bed" Ted looks panicky, flushing pink on her gaze.

"Bummer" she mumbled with a pout before straightening her posture. "Come help me with plates, let's talk while we eat yeah?"

"Y-yeah"

Okay, maybe her drowsiness is making her a little more bolder, more braver, more yearnful for what she wants. Makes her want to capture his very being on her palm and not let go until the sky fall from above.

She wouldn't flirt with him on a good day, wouldn't even smirk at him if she can help it. He's a recently divorced man who has eyes as sad as whimpering puppy, looking anything and anywhere with a kind of desperation you would only find on someone so despondent and so so alone. He wasn't available on the public market, wasn't meant to be courted when she knows his heart still depict someone's else image, she knows he loves Michelle, miss her everyday, and she knows deep on her bones she could not barge in roses in her mouth and poems on her hand and offer to take him out on a date he would never forget.

"Why is the spaghetti cold?" She asked with a frown as she took a bite, water on her side instead of wine because Ted insisted that she should drink something normal for once.

"Spgahti ish dbest win clmpd" she frowned and watched him hold a finger up before swallowing his food. "Sorry. i said spaghetti is the best when its cold"

"Well its not bad" she shrugged as she ate it. "So how's your day? Heard Roy got mad on Jaime again, per usual of course, but this time he was about to tear his throat out"

Ted nod his head "yes, yes, ill tell ya all 'bout it later but first were gotta talk about the Halloween party"

She groaned loudly, throwing her head back. "Must we do this? Really?"

"Yes, really" he wiped his mouth with a napkin before taking a sip on his water, she could not help but feel like he was about to question her every actions and decision as if she was placed under government surveillance.

"Its really not a big deal, teddy. I just don't like going to parties"

"No, no, I heard ya' goin' to bunch of parties before, specially new-year. You're lyin' to me"

Goddamit.

"Fine" she raised her hand in defense, tired. "Seems like I can't lie my way around here so ill give it to you straight.." she took a deep breath, dreading it. Ted watched her closely, brown eyes boaring into her own and if she wasn't sleepy and wasn't bothered by the topic she would mention how beautiful they are.

"I don't like dressing up"

He slam his fork down. "THATS ABSURD!"

"Wow I didnt expect that big of a reaction at all"

"You tellin' me, someone, someone I gosh darn know! Dont like wearin' costume on Halloween? Thats like- thats like worse than murder!"

Her eyes widen "okay thats a little-"

Ted nod calming down a little "yeah yeah, I know, a little dramatic. It ain't worse than murder at all, I was just-" he poke his heart. "Just lost in the moment AND ITS YOUR FAULT!" he pointed at her

She laughed lightly.

"It wasn't even that bad! I just don't like doing it, its perfectly fine"

"No it ain't! I have never met someone like ya before! People always like dressing up, doesn't matter how bad it looks, Halloween is for everyone, its the only day its legal to pretend you're someone else" he's slowly losing his mind.

"I get that and I fully support that but its just not for me" she explained, finally finished with her spaghetti and she had to admit it was pretty fucking good. "I have to say, you're a good cook i didnt expect-"

"NO! FORGET ABOUT THE GOSH DARN SPAGHETTI!" He pointed at her face

"Youre goin' to the party even if i have to drag your bum in there"

She whistled, eyebrows up and eyes a little wide. "Oh my, I didnt know you're into that"

"Shut it" he stated but the blush on his cheeks are apprent.

"Youre goin' that's final, wrapped your self in a toilet paper if ya don't got any costume, you just have to be there"

"You literally cannot make me" she shrugged, leaning on the chair with arms crossed. "Im not going to that party even if you have to put a gun to my head, I don't like Halloween, I don't like costumes and I dojt like candies"

"YOU DONT LIKE CANDIES-" he stop himself before taking a deep breath, controlling his emotions. "Its like, its like I don't know you at all"

"Ted we've been friends for like 2 years, of course you don't"

Ted shook his head, distraught. As if the revelation of her dislike for the holiday might send him spiral to a pit of hopelessness. "If you ain't goin, im not goin'"

Her eyes widen. "What the hell are you on about?"

He looked up to her, eyes hard, determined. Like a soldier off to war.

'This is ridiculous' she had thought

"I said, im not goin if ya ain't goin"

"Y-you can't do that! The others would kill me!" She yelled, panic settling deep on her guts. Rebecca would literally drag her corpse on the road, yelling shame! Shame! Shame! While the folks of richmond would throw shit at her face. "Ted, they'll do worse than kill me. Keleey would use my skin to make herself a new bag, you can't do this to me"

"Oh I will" he pointed, shoulder squared. "I will blame it all on ya', if they ask why I ain't goin' ill tell them it was you"

"This is crazy! Why are you even doing this?!" She asked him, wanting to laugh and wanting to cry on how fucking mental it is.

"Why do I even- why do you even want me there?!"

"BECAUSE!"

"THATS NOT A PROPER REASON, IDIOT!" she yelled before groaning, throwing her hands up. "FINE! FINE! IM GOING! GOD!"

He then grinned, big, wide and bright that she had to squint. She hates the part of her brain that told her that suffering on the party is all worth it if she could see him like this for a second , smiling just for her. Its crazy how he can make everything more livable just by existing.

"I know ya would come around"

She scoffed "like you just didn't threaten me"

"Had to do it" he shrugged, still smiling, still joyous. It makes her heart melt.

"Whatever" she looked away when he met her eyes, blush slithering on her cheeks. "Im going only because of you, you hear?"

It was his turn to blush, dimple deep on his cheek and eyes glimmering. "Yes ma'am" he looked down, suddenly shy. "And I'm only goin cause of ya' either"

She gave him a sideways glance, suspicious. "You sure its not for the beer?"

"Nah, just for ya" she suddenly had a sick sick disgusting urge to giggle. "Ya make everythin' better, not the booze"

God she's so inlove with him she would carved a pumpkin right now if he ask.

___________

She went as ghostface.

Tight black shirt and a sweatpants with fake blood (ketchup) splattered on her white shoes and arms. Its a simple costume that required a little amount of effort and money. And she had to admit, she look hot as fuck, she just wished the security guard up front had let her kept the kitchen knife but no matter how many pleading and yelling of 'its not real!' The man wouldn't budge.

She stood next to Rebecca whose dress could send any man with eyes falling on the floor. She went as maleficent, with horns, high cheek bones and everything that made her almost fall inlove with her.

"Hows the drink?" She had asked, smiling at her so pleasantly ever since she had got there.

"Terrible"

"Oh?" She blinked, confused. Blood red lips almost scowling. "Was it too strong?"

"Not strong enough" she replied with a teasing smile that made her boss rolled her eyes.

"Of course you would say that, the one person here that wants to go home"

"Thats not true" she laughed, putting her glass down before leaning on the wall. Watching as the other dance on the floor, some giggling and some stumbling.

"Im actually enjoying myself"

"I doubt it" Rebecca raised her perfectly drawn brow before a slow teasing grin slithered its way on her red lips. "Ted isn't here yet"

She ignored the heat on her ears

"Are you implying i can only enjoy this party if Ted is here? That he's the sunlight on my dark days? Because if so then you're are one hundred percent corre- holy fucking shit, get out of the way" she quickly, as fast can blink, lightly push Rebecca off the view of the entrance door.

"Goodness!"

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph is that Ted fucking Lasso dressed up as a cowboy?" Keeley -dressed as katniss everdeen - strolled in like a ghost in the night, suddenly popping up, a cola on her hand.

"I think I'm about to faint" y/n confessed with a heavy breath while clutching her heart. Rebecca giggled next to her, gently holding her arm.

"Look at him walking around like he doesn't have half of the woman's eyes on him, he's killing me, he's fucking killing me"

"Look at that ass, oh that is criminal" keeley stated with a whistled, watching as Ted walked around, greeting people with a laugh and a smile.

"Is that a whip?" Y/n squinted her eyes and oh fuck it is, it is a whip, right on the holster on his hips - she swallowed thickly, the familiar heat of desperation drawing a line on her stomach.

"I have to say, im impres-"

"Im going to ride him"

Keeley choked on her drink

"excuse you?" Rebecca's head whipped around to look at y/n's face, eyes blown wide.

"Forget about the horse, im going to ride Ted Lasso tonight"

"Y-youre going to hook up with him?" Keleey asked her carefully a grin on her lips. "Tonight? Like actually tonight?"

"If he let's me" she answered though her eyes still hangs heavy on Ted Lasso who is currently standing across the room with Beard beside him dressed as Alan from the hangover.

"So you're going to confessed?" Rebecca then asked "Because this is your opportunity to tell him what you really feel, this is your time"

Ted's eyes suddenly met hers and suddenly - everything stops.

The chatter, the song, even the loud flash of cameras and the yells of the drunk. As if one look from him can make the whole world stop turning, made the time crumbles and lay dust beneath his foot.

She could hear her breathing, slow and full and deep. As if he's taking it away, feeding from her own soul. For a minute she would let him, let him take it all, place her heart on his palm and make him promise to keep it close, pour her soul onto his mouth and kiss it to seal its lock, reduce herself into nothing but atoms and dust and particles on the air and be kept in a jar, forever still, forever there, forever on him.

Ted grinned so beautifully she could cry, he gave her a wave, almost shy, almost adoring before he took his first step towards her. Every foot the same rhythm as her heart, for a second she believed in soul mate and for a second she had hoped it was him.

"Hes coming this way!" Keeley squealed lowly, turning away from him and walked towards the bar. "Im going to pretend I dont know you so you can jump on him, okay?"

"Im going to, uh, going over there! Right there to Higgins" she scrambled to lift off her gown and run lightly towards her assistance who's currently dressed as a Frankenstein.

Ted walked towards her, apologizing to the people he had bumped on his way. She doesnt think she can love anyone like this dork..

He wore a flannel, blue and black and rolled over his thick forearms. It was tucked inside his jeans, scandalously tight on his muscled thighs. There's a leather belt slithered between it, thick with a silver buckled on its front. A whip and a fake gun hang on each side.

There's a red bandana hanging on his neck and brown cowboy hat place upon his head.

Ted lasso looks sinful underneath the beating lights and shadows, like a proper seduction on a night, dress in pure temptation with a smile that held thousand of promise.

"Howdy, ma'am" he tipped his hat on her, winking. "Never have i thought I would see a lady as fine as you are"

She pray to get she wouldn't get a nosebleed. "Why thank you, cowboy" she push her mask down, hiding the grin and the blush on her cheek.

"I must say, you look good enough to eat-" she approached him a little, standing close. "-ya wouldn't mind a little bite would ya', sweetheart?"

Ted swallowed "n-not at all"

"What got you stuttering now, little lamb?" She went up to his face, titling her head a little, as if taunting him. "Youre not scared are you?"

Thank fuck for the mask, if it wasn't for it she would be on the floor right now, confidence and determination gone and replaced by the undying need to have him and never let go.

"you're really into your character arent ya?" Ted grinned at you.

"Was i?" She peered up to him with smirk, removing the mask off her face. "What are you going to do about it, cowboy? Lasso me away?"

Ted's dimple become apparent "Might have to if ya keep this up" he titled his head "Whisk you away out'a 'ere and show you what happens to a pretty little naughty thing like ya'"

Her breath hitched, body hot and guts swirlin. Her fingers itched to yank his collar and kiss him stupid.

"Yeah?" She uttered breathlessly

Ted nod his head, gaze stuck on her mouth. "Mhm, but ya would like that wouldn't ya? Have ya with me, bound and tied. Bet you would love it, a minx like ya'"

"Oh I would love it alright" she looked up to him with half lided eyes, almost drank on the words spouting of his mouth.

"Specially so because its you"

Ted had blushed then, red and harsh even under the thousand beating lights. He chuckled, the magic that reside between them now gone, replaced by the silence that you could only get when everything is light and adoring and filled with colors of love and feelings too big for your own heart.

"I uh," he looked down "im glad ya' came, thought ya wouldn't"

She chuckled and took a step back, away from his space.

"I told you I would didn't I?"

"Yeah I know but I thought you're just foolin' me, get me to shut up"

"Ted i would literally pay you my entire savings just to NEVER shut up" she smiled when he shyly looked away. "You know how much I enjoy you talk, even about things I do not understand like a 100 years old pop culture reference from an ancient movie"

"Im not that old" he grumbled rather adorably and it took everything on her not to pinch his cheeks.

"Yeah? Bet your hips would pop if I took you to the dance floor right now"

He stared at her for a couple of seconds before a grin erupted on his lips. "Is this your way of asking me to dance?"

She sighed "depends, are you going to say yes?"

"You gosh darn right I will!" He had replied with a big smile before interrupting it with a pointed finger " 'n not cause of your allegations about my perfectly fine hips, its cause I want to dance with ya'"

"I know that ted" she laughed, grabbing his hand suddenly, warm and big and rough. She likes it. "Now show me what you got, cowboy. You're too fine not to show off on the dance floor"

_________

They stumbled around the flat, kissing heatedly - all teeth and tounge and the pain of desperation to consume.

"Fuck, you're killing me" she grumbled, eyes half lided and lips red and wet. Her fingers worked in frenzy to take off every clothing he wore, buttons flying and his hat somewhere on the floor.

"Did I mention how good you look tonight?" She nose his neck, licking a stripe that had him shivering. "Did I, darling?"

"N-no, oh god" he moaned when her palm squeezed the outline of his cock on his tight jeans.

She smirked and bit him lightly on the skin between his shoulder.

"Well you are, my love." She whispered, not even bothering to give a flying fuck on the nickname she had accidently slip out. "Absolutely handsome, couldn't keep my fucking eyes off you you know that?"

Ted looked half drunk across you, hair a mess and neck covered with bites. "I-i didnt know ya find, ngh- I didnt know ya find me t-that attractive, sweetheart"

"All the flirting wasn't enough then?" She questioned, pushing him to fall on the couch and he did, easily, with a grunt and a look of anticipation and dark lust.

"Looks like you're more of a visual learner eh?" She sat on his lap, grinding her heated core on his hard cock - wet with slick and thick between her thighs. "What do you say, cowboy? Gonna let me ride you till sunrise?"

Ted moaned loudly, hands gripping her waist and nails digging on the flesh. "Y-yes please"

She smiled, hands slithering on his hair before pulling it to bare his throat to her like a submissive prey would. "Dont worry, darling. I'll take good care of you"

In one move his cock was inside her, thick and splitting her open. A gush of slick drip down her thighs and Ted moaned loudly, not a care in the world. "God.." he groaned, throwing his head back. "Feels good, fuck, ya feel so fuckin' good baby doll"

The nickname send shiver down her spine, a tingling of heat and cold.

"Squeezin' my damn cock so fuckin' tight" he licked his lips before grinning up to her, eyes lazy, dark and blown wide. "Ya sure this cunt ain't made f'me, dollface? You takin' my cock like champ"

She moaned on his filthy words, tounge frozen and chest tight. She could feel him inside her, deep on her guts, moving and rearranging anything it can reach.

"Yeah-fuck, look at ya'" he strike a palm on her ass, loud. "Beautiful thing sat on my cock, s'yours yeah?" He took her mouth, gifting her a wet kiss, pulling her bottom lip. "How ya feelin', bunny? Feels good?"

"Y-yes, feels-fuck, feel so full" she arched her back as Ted's hand went to her waist, big palm squeezing it thigh with his thumb caressing the skin he can reach.

"Cock's too big, ain't it?" He questioned, a lazy smirk on his lips. "Fitting into your tiny cunt just right though yeah? Look at it" his other hand went to her soaking pussy, caressing her folds before sucking it clean with a hummed. "Swallowing me whole easily, what a good fuckin' girl ya are. Makes me wonder if ya can take my cock on the back, fill ya up even more what'd ya say?"

He pulled her close and she gasped as his dick pierced her impossibly more deeper. "Talk to me, darlin'" he nose her neck, breathing warmth on her throat. "Gonna let your man tear ya' up from behind? Shoot my cum inside ya till you're a drippy mess hm?"

Goodness his fucking mouth..' she had thought, shivering.

"Bet ya would huh?" He bit a skin on her neck before sucking it harshly, drawing a bruise and a shiver on her spine. She moaned when his hands went to her ribs, big they were and rough, a hands of a man who could toss her around. "Bet ya would even beg for it, ya naughty thing"

His fingers went to her shoulder, brushing it gently with heavy breath and heated eyes. Tracing the collar bone and the line between her breast before his fingers reach her perked up nipple - making her shudder. "Beautiful" he whispered lowly, as if it was a secret meant only for himself. His hand envelop her whole breast, playing with it as his cock speared her in a pace that had her toes curling. She could feel every vein inside her, every thrust had her cunt quivering and gushing, painting his pelvis with her own slick.

His mouth went to her nipple, hot and smooth and soaking. His tounge swirled and his lashes flutter as he closed his eyes, the hand on her ribs pulled her much closer than before and Ted sucked at her nipple like a man starve, groaning.

She bounce on his cock, moaning wantonly from the fullness between her thighs, she swore she could feel his dick on her throat, so deep and so thick it was splitting her open, making a room inside her just for his cock and his alone.

"Thats it" he remove his mouth off her nipple with a pop before throwing his head back. "Thats it, dollface. Take my cock like ya own it" he clenched his jaw, the litte hair dangling on his forehead moving at every movement she makes, long eyelashes closed and mouth slightly agape.

She moaned when his hips started moving, meeting her thrust halfway through, it hit the hidden spot inside her that made her want to scream and sob and stop at the same time. "T-ted, Ted, Ted!" She repeated his name like a mantra, like a broken prayer of a desperate man, filled with adoration and lust and yearning for something she doesnt even know what.

He groaned loudly, almost like a growl of a feral man before he sat up more straighter, grabbing her closely, impossibly close, pushing her head on his neck and hugging her tight on his own sweaty body that it render immovable and writhing in pleasure. "Gonna fuck your pretty little pussy just like this yeah?" He stated in her ear before his hips started moving much faster, more harder, hitting her spot over and over again that every thrust had her gushing and moaning.

"Yeah, fuck yeah, t-take it, take it, take it" he repeated in her ear, thick thick cock spearing her mercilessly until she was sobbing and drawing her nails on his shoulder.

"S'too m-much!" She complained and yet she widen her thighs further more, savoring the feeling of his wet cock. "T-teddyy" she whined, pushing her face into his neck as tears fell from her eyes.

"What got ya cryin' now, sweetheart?" He chuckled breathlessly, hips still moving, dick still splitting her open. His hand went to her nape, grabbing it with his whole palm before pulling it to glimpse at her fucked out face. "Even with tears drippin' on your cheeks you're fuckin' beautiful" he pecked her lips sweetly before drawing back, a grin on his lips. "'S my cock too much for ya' dolly? Daddy hurtin' your cunt hm? Do-dont worry.." his hand tighten. "Gonna give ya my cum to make it all better"

That was the last straw of it all, snapping everything in place, cogs turning and limbs rigid.

She came on his cock with a cry and a thousand tears on her cheeks, back arching and quivering that Ted had to hold him more tighter. She could feel her cum dripping down his cock, soaking him wet. Ted moaned in return, loving the filth of it all, basking on it even - he watched her face relax and brows furrowed, letting herself be used even when her cunt throbs.

"T-teddy" she whined lowly, biting her lip. Her hand went to his arm, gripping it tight. "C-cant, m'too, im too s-sensitive!"

"Just a lil' mo-more" he groaned, holding her waist now, lifting her up and bringing her down, completely using her like she was only a hole for him, a cum dump. "Ya can take it, d-darlin'. M'sure ya could yeah? Jus-just a little, be good f'me"

She squealed and she sob, soaping cunt loud at every thrust. He was breathing heavily then, sweating like a dog in heat as he split her. Thighs sticky and cunt still dripping.

"Fu-fuck, bunny" he groaned, grinding her on his throbbing cock. "M' close, f-fuck, so fuckin' close" he whined, head thumping on her chest, breath warming her breast. "G-gonna cum, can-can i, can I fill ya' up? Pleas-please please, oh god.." the sound he had made was between a sob and a moan, it made her guts coil, made her cheeks hot.

"Mhm hm" she nod her head quickly, pulling him close to him. "P-please cum inside me, t-ted pl-please" tears drip down her cheeks, cunt swollen and clit throbbing with need. Hes stretching her wide, touching every corner of her inside.

"Y-yeah, thank you dolly, fu-fuck thank you" he groaned and push his hips much faster, fucking her silly with his cock. "Gonna fill your pretty pussy up nice and good yeah?" He was breathing heavily, heaving chest and throbbing cock. She can feel it more on her guts, a dull bump on her tummy at every movement he makes."G-gonna have ya drippin' f'me, use ya' like a fuckin hole and dump my spunk into your pussy yeah? Fuck!" He gave a harsh thrust "Oh god, sweetheart oh fuck i love you"

Her eyes widen.

"Love ya' so fuckin' much" he growled, pulling her onto his lap before he lift his hips up and gave her a single harsh thrust. "Fucking take it, take it, take it" he repeated in her ear as his cum came flooding in, hot and so so many.

"Yeah, s-shit look'a that. 'S too much its dripping out'a ya'" he groaned, thrusting slower then, riding his high.

"Ya did such a good job" he sighed as he had stopped, pulling out of her with a low moan and a shudder.

He kissed her forehead with a lazy grin. "Lets get ya clean-"

"You said you love me" she interrupted him with a wide eyes and a blushing cheeks.

"What?"

"You told me you love me" she repeated, as if in trance. "You said you love me so much earlier, you repeated it twice, Ted"

Ted sat frozen underneath her before looking away, suddenly so so sad.

"I-yeah, okay, no point in-in denying i supposed" his brows furrowed and his eyes had turned into that softer gentler look that had her heart always aching. "I love ya..for, for a long time. Don't know how it started and I'm quiet upset im confessing to ya' like this but what do I do" he chuckled but the humour on it was gone. He met her eyes, earnest, adoring, the same gaze he had used to looked at her for as long as she can remember, a gaze she couldn't put a finger on back then but could finally see it as clearly as day now.

"I love you, im inlove with you, stu-stupidly so and I get it if ya don't feel the same, its okay and I can do whatever ya like me too after this, I can walk away or I can pretend to never know ya at-"

She kissed him.

She kissed him like he would loose him.

Like any second he would turn into ashes, flew in the air and never to be return again. Tasted him like It would be her last to see him for a very long time, as if he's off to war with death hanging like a noose on his head, ready to pull and ready to kill.

"I love you too, you fucking idiot" she grinned up to him, eyes wet and cheeks hurting.

"I love you, Ted. I fucking love you"

Ted smiled, big and bright despite the darkness of the night. He looks beautiful with happiness lingering on his eyes.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes, fuck yes"

Their lips met and yeah..yeah maybe Halloween wasn't too bad.

Ted smiled on her lips and it tasted sickeningly sweet as a melted sugar.

Yep, it definitely wasn't bad at all.

#ted lasso #jason sudeikis #ted lasso x reader #fanfiction #ted lasso fanfic #ted lasso fanfiction #ted lasso smut #ted lasso one shot #ted lasso imagine #cowboy #holloween

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themirroredmoon · 2 years

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Wine in Witchcraft - Meanings and Associations

Wine is generally associated with Happiness, Success, Love, Relationships, and Offerings. However, specific types can be broken down further and have more associations.

RED WINE (In General) Element: Earth Season: Winter Associations: Love, Warmth, Contemplation, Happiness, Success, Money, Passion, Health, Lust

[Cabernet Sauvignon] Tastes Like: Full-bodied, dark fruit flavors of blackcurrant (cassis), black cherry, blackberry with notes of green bell pepper, spice, tobacco, wood, and vanilla Element: Earth Associations: Grounding, Protection, Banishing, Strength, Energy, Lust, Fertility, Ancestors, Written Magic (Sigils)

[Merlot] Tastes Like: Soft/round, dark fruit flavors of black cherry, blackberry, plum, and raspberry layered with herbal notes and undertones of vanilla and mocha Element: Water, Fire Associations: Unity, Love, Passion, Self-Care, Protection, Healing, Prosperity, Sexuality, Sea Witchcraft, Water Magic

[Pinot Noir] Tastes Like: Delicate and fresh, complex flavors that include cherry, raspberry, mushroom and forest floor, plus vanilla and baking spice when aged in French oak Element: Earth, Air Associations: Prosperity, Protection, Wealth, Success, Beauty, Passion, Glamours

[Shiraz] Tastes Like: Hearty, spicy, black pepper, black currant, clove, blackberry, plum, leather, tar Element: Fire, Earth Associations: Wealth, Banishing, Divination, Tech Witchcraft, Comfort, Mystery, Secrets, Endings

[Zinfandel] Tastes Like: Rich, zesty, raspberry, raisin, black cherry, blackberry, pepper Element: Earth Associations: Growth, Wealth, Plant Magic, Vigor, Stamina, Happiness, Love, Healing, Versatility

WHITE WINE (In General) Element: Air Season: Summer Associations: Joy, Happiness, Love, Relationships, Friendships, Endings, Success, Energy, Purification

[Chardonnay] Tastes Like: Wider-bodied, light, velvety, apricot, mango, green apple, citrus, melon, vanilla Element: Water Associations: Peace, Emotions, Safety, Success, Happiness, Balance, Polarity, Purification, Mental Power/Abilities

[Moscato] Tastes Like: Sweet, acidic, fruity, grapefruit, musk, citrus, apricot, rose, caramel Element: Air Associations: Love, Mystery, Lust, Relationships, Fertility, Purity, Cleansing, Healing, Love Magic

[Pinot Grigio] Tastes Like: Crisp, dry, fruity, peach, pear, acidic Element: Air Associations: Rebirth, Endings, New Beginnings, Happiness, Reality, Creativity, Longevity, Divination (especially open-ended, like tarot)

[Riesling] Tastes Like: Steely, crisp, fresh, slightly sweet, pear, apple, peach, petrol, honey Element: Fire, Water Associations: Energy, Movement, Growth, Rebirth, Love, Friendship, Attraction, Activity/Movement (dance, preparation, cleansing, etc)

[Sauvignon Blanc] Tastes Like: Herbal, grass, bell pepper, green apple, lime, gooseberry, jalapeno, melon, mango, black currant, passionfruit, peach Element: Air, Earth Associations: Love, Peace, Friendship, Companionship, Arts, Healing, Happiness, Joy, Spirit Work

ROSÉ WINE (In General) Element: Air Season: Spring Associations: Beginnings, Happiness, Excitement, friendship, New Romance, Love, passion, Playfulness, Relaxation, Luck

SPARKLING WINE Element: Fire Season: Summer Associations: Success, Completion, Celebration, Wealth, Opportunity, Setting Things in Motion, prosperity, space Witchcraft, Weather Magic, Adding a “Spark”

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journeyofdream · 2 years

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Common Herbs and Their Properties

(Mainly taken from: https://coven.thethriftywitch.com/pages/magickal-uses-of-herbs.)

Angelica: Mainly used in protection rituals, protects against negative energies and attracts positive energies. Can be used to remove curses, hexes.

Anise Seeds: Stimulates psychic abilities and wards off evil eyes.

Basil: A good protection herb. Can be used in rituals for protection, exorcism and love.

Bay Laurel: Mainly protection and purification. Stimulates psychic abilities and promotes success. Protects against baneful magick. Writing wishes and burning the leaf is a good manifestation technique.

Black Pepper: Promotes courage and helps banishing negative vibrations.

Catnip: Provides protection in sleep. Enhances beauty and can be used in love magick.

Cedar Wood: Promotes confidence and strength. Can be used in protection and purification rituals.

Chamomile: Reduces stress. Can be used in love and healing rituals.

Chili: Mainly used for hex breaking. Promotes love and fidelity.

Cinnamon: Mainly used for luck and prosperity. A good herb for protection as well.

Clove: Mainly used for exorcism. Also promotes love, money, and protection.

Coffee: Used for grounding. Dispels nightmares.

Daisy: Promotes love, luck, and innocence.

Damiana: Mainly used in love rituals. Can be used to increase psychic abilities.

Frankincense: Mainly used for cleansing and purification. Can be burned for protection and meditation.

Garlic: Mainly used for protection and exorcism. Can also be used for healing and purification.

Ginger: Promotes sensuality, sexuality and personal confidence.

Lavender: Mainly used for love, protection, healing, sleep, purification, and peace. Promotes healing from depression.

Mint: Promotes energy, communication and vitality.

Mistletoe: Used for fertility, creativity and protection from negative spells.

Onion: Used for prosperity, stability, endurance, and protection.

Oregano: Promotes joy, strength and vitality.

Rose: Magickal uses include divine love, close friendships, domestic peace.

Rosemary: Carried and used in healing poppets for good health, used in love spells, burned as incense for purification and removing negativity.

Sage (Keep in mind that white sage is endangered and closed): Used for self purification and dealing with grief and loss. Carried to improve mental ability and bring wisdom.

St. John’s Wort: Protects against all forms of black witchcraft. Used for banishing, protection & blessing.

Star Anise: Burned as incense to increase psychic awareness & abilities.

Sugar: Used in love spells and sex magick.

Thyme: Attracts loyalty, affection, and the good opinion of others. Burn or hang in the home for banishing and purification.

Tobacco: Promotes peace, confidence, and personal strength. Also used for banishing.

Yarrow: Uses include healing, handfasting & weddings, and divination.

#witchcraft #witch community #green witch #eclectic pagan #pagan community #eclectic witch #hellenism #witch #witches #witchblr #beginner witch #kitchen witch #witchlife #witchy #witchythings

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dropout-if · 7 months

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Dropout Customization

Due to some questions about MC customization, I have decided to compile all the physical and personality aspects that are selectable about the Dropout.

A reminder that this is all subject to change and that new things may be added (or deleted). Feedback and ideas to further develop MC are encouraged.

Main Ideas

Name Surname Nickname

Sex, Gender, Pronouns (it's possible to customise them), Breast/Pecs, Penis/Vagina (If MC is transgender, their transition takes place while they're away) Title (Ms. / Mr. / Mx.)

Virginity or lack thereof.

If MC is trans (when they realized about it [high school, middle school, college] and if they told their family // the ROs already know, as MC told Uma and J, and word spread).

Birthday which establishes the Dropout's age as either 21 or 22 depending on the season (Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter)

Major (Engineering, Biology, Chemistry, Computer science, Law, Economics, Education (in relation to science/maths/etc), Mathematics, Physics, Psychology). The Dropout's Major affects flavor text. These options are the ones approved by the Dropout's parents, though it's possible for MC to express interest in other degrees/topics (music, art, English, anthropology, archeology, classical studies, history).

Reason behind dropping out (MC got kicked out (they were caught cheating) MC didn't get a high enough GPA and dropped out / MC never even wanted to go to college and ultimately decided they wanted out / MC didn't fit in (they were discriminated, lonely, etc) though they really liked college / MC originally liked their degree and college but gradually lost interest in the entire thing / MC never liked their degree and decided to drop out / Something specifically related to mental health (mainly anxiety) / Impostor's syndrome.) This affects flavor text.

2 Coping Mechanisms (Alcohol, Tobacco, Drugs, Sleeping around, Avoidance, Overspending, Humor, *Hobby (overworking self) [Anger, Fake/forced happiness, Sadness, Indifference].) Each coping mechanism opens a variable and a storyline. You can choose two, though choosing one related to emotional responses [between brackets] automatically blocks out the others.

2 Hobbies (Singing, playing an instrument, songwriting, creative writing, drawing, sketching, sculpting, acting, photography, soccer, football, swimming, basketball, gymnastics, boxing, judo, karate, taekwondo, kickboxing, going to the gym, cooking/baking, dancing [ballet, contemporary dance, modern], yoga.) This affects flavor text and scenes.

Job (Bartender [Wanda, Statler is also around often], Cashier [Statler], Columnist [J (+Kai if poly)], Caregiver [Kai], Waiter/Waitress [Uma (+Travis if poly)], Tutor [Travis]) Each job gives you more time with a certain RO, as well as unlocking a storyline.

Personality Stats

Playful/Serious Honest/Dishonest Friendly/Rude Introverted/Extroverted Laid-back/Uptight Cynical/Idealistic Flirty/Reserved Family oriented/Individualistic

Others: Insomnia, Migraines

Physical Appearance

*It's possible to choose MC's appearance as a high schooler as well. This affects flavor text.

Height (very tall, talk, average, short, very short)

Skin tone (ebony, dark brown, light brown, russet, golden, olive, honey, tawny, tanned, fair, rosy, ivory.) Choosing any skin tone gives you the possibility of choosing to be a poc (idea I stole from Mila, @beyondthegame)

*Build (scrawny, skinny, lithe, lean, muscular, chubby, curvy, hourglass).

*Hair color (max 3 tones, 1 base and other 2) (possible to return home with a mess of dye for Maude to fix. NATURAL (Ashen blonde, Sunflower blonde, Strawberry blonde, Caramel, Honey brown, Chocolate brown, Copper, Auburn, Ruby red, Midnight brown, Jet black, Ebony black) NON-NATURAL (Pink, Violet, Lilac, Blue jade, Vermilion red, Snowy white, Silver, Emerald green, Canary yellow, Bleached).

Hair texture (kinky, very coiled, coiled, curly, wavy, slightly wavy, straight)

*Hair length (ear-length, chin-length, shoulder-length, below shoulder-length, chest-length, waist-length)

*Hair style (SHORT/MEDIUM: natural, side-parted, mullet, layered, bob, ponytail, twin ponytails, buzz fade, slick back, messy, wolf cut, bun. LONG: natural, high/low ponytail, messy, shaggy, California waves, a half updo, side-swept, bun, braid, twin braids, twin ponytails).

*Eye color (albino red, dark blue, light blue, dark green, light green, hazel, amber, chestnut brown, chocolate brown, black, grey).

Others

*It's possible to choose MC's appearance as a high schooler as well. This affects flavor text.

*Glasses (yes, no, contacts)

*Facial hair (No/shaved. Stubble, full beard, goatee, ducktail,van dyke, garibaldi, mustache, soul patch, light beard).

Scars, can choose as many as possible (Back, chest, abdomen, upper and lower arm, thigh, knees, calf, mouth area, neck, cheek, hands, eye area, shoulder)

*Tattoos (One big in X body area, patch-like bodysuit, bodysuit, one/two sleeves, just legs, a few tattoos all over, a small in X place).

*Piercings (Ears [helix, lobe, industrial], navel, tongue, nose ring and septum, eyebrow, lips, smiley, nipples, genital)

Dimples

Braces

Freckles (face, body, both)

Beauty mark, multiple (under eye, over lip, neck, body)

*Outfit/Style (streetwear, alternative, cute, preppy, casual, formal, business casual, dark academia, messy, boho/eclectic, comfortable)

*Bedroom, at family home and at new apartment (messy, colorful, emo, basic, boho, modern, industrial, vintage, minimalist, cute)

*Diet (vegan, vegetarian, pescetarian, keto, meat-eater, lactose intolerant)

Family pet (small/large dog, cat, fish tank, hamster/rabbit/guinea pig, cockatiel/parrot/canaries)

Characters

Closeness to all family members (tight-knit, close, so-so, cold, barely any relationship)

Same with the friend group

Crush on Statler during high school (yes/no)

'Popularity' during high school and college (popular, social butterfly [got along with many people but wasn't part of the popular groups], normal, loner, outcast [somewhat antagonistic in a way/rebel].)

#dropout if #dropout #cog wip #cog #choice script #hosted games #interactive fiction wip #interactive fiction #mc #gameplay

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mostlysignssomeportents · 6 months

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The impoverished imagination of neoliberal climate “solutions

This morning (Oct 31) at 10hPT, the Internet Archive is livestreaming my presentation on my recent book, The Internet Con.

There is only one planet in the known universe capable of sustaining human life, and it is rapidly becoming uninhabitable by humans. Clearly, this warrants bold action – but which bold action should we take?

After half a century of denial and disinformation, the business lobby has seemingly found climate religion and has joined the choir, but they have their own unique hymn: this crisis is so dire, they say, that we don't have the luxury of choosing between different ways of addressing the emergency. We have to do "all of the above" – every possible solution must be tried.

In his new book Dark PR, Grant Ennis explains that this "all of the above" strategy doesn't represent a change of heart by big business. Rather, it's part of the denial playbook that's been used to sell tobacco-cancer doubt and climate disinformation:

https://darajapress.com/publication/dark-pr-how-corporate-disinformation-harms-our-health-and-the-environment

The point of "all of the above" isn't muscular, immediate action – rather, it's a delaying tactic that creates space for "solutions" that won't work, but will generate profits. Think of how the tobacco industry used "all of the above" to sell "light" cigarettes, snuff, snus, and vaping – and delay tobacco bans, sin taxes, and business-euthanizing litigation. Today, the same playbook is used to sell EVs as an answer to the destructive legacy of the personal automobile – to the exclusion of mass transit, bikes, and 15-minute cities:

https://thewaroncars.org/2023/10/24/113-dark-pr-with-grant-ennis/

As the tobacco and car examples show, "all of the above" is never really all of the above. Pursuing "light" cigarettes to reduce cancer is incompatible with simply banning tobacco; giving everyone a personal EV is incompatible with remaking our cities for transit, cycling and walking.

When it comes to the climate emergency, "all of the above" means trying "market-based" solutions to the exclusion of directly regulating emissions, despite the poor performance of these "solutions."

The big one here is carbon offsets, which allows companies to make money by promising not to emit carbon that they would otherwise emit. The idea here is that creating a new asset class will unleash the incredible creativity of markets by harnessing the greed of elite sociopaths to the project of decarbonization, rather of the prudence of democratically accountable lawmakers.

Carbon offsets have not worked: they have been plagued by absolutely foreseeable problems that have not lessened, despite repeated attempts to mitigate them.

For starters, carbon offsets are a classic market for lemons. The cheapest way to make a carbon offset is to promise not to emit carbon you were never going to emit anyway, as when fake charities like the Nature Conservancy make millions by promising not to log forests that can't be logged because they are wildlife preserves:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/03/18/greshams-carbon-law/#papal-indulgences

Then there's the problem of monitoring carbon offsetting activity. Like, what happens when the forest you promise not to log burns down? If you're a carbon trader, the answer is "nothing." That burned-down forest can still be sold as if it were sequestering carbon, rather than venting it to the atmosphere in an out-of-control blaze:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/07/26/aggregate-demand/#murder-offsets

When you bought a plane ticket and ticked the "offset the carbon on my flight" box and paid an extra $10, I bet you thought that you were contributing to a market that incentivized a reduction in discretionary, socially useless carbon-intensive activity. But without those carbon offsets, SUVs would have all but disappeared from American roads. Carbon offsets for Tesla cars generated billions in carbon offsets for Elon Musk, and allowed SUVs to escape regulations that would otherwise have seen them pulled from the market:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/11/24/no-puedo-pagar-no-pagara/#Rat

What's more, Tesla figured out how to get double the offsets they were entitled to by pretending that they had a working battery-swap technology. This directly translated to even more SUVs on the road:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticism_of_Tesla,_Inc.#Misuse_of_government_subsidies

Harnessing the profit motive to the planet's survivability might sound like a good idea, but it assumes that corporations can self-regulate their way to a better climate future. They cannot. Think of how Canada's logging industry was allowed to clearcut old-growth forests and replace them with "pines in lines" – evenly spaced, highly flammable, commercially useful tree-farms that now turn into raging forest fires every year:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/16/murder-offsets/#pulped-and-papered

The idea of "market-based" climate solutions is that certain harmful conduct should be disincentivized through taxes, rather than banned. This makes carbon offsets into a kind of modern Papal indulgence, which let you continue to sin, for a price. As the outstanding short video Murder Offsets so ably demonstrates, this is an inadequate, unserious and immoral response to the urgency of the issue:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/04/14/for-sale-green-indulgences/#killer-analogy

Offsets and other market-based climate measures aren't "all of the above" – they exclude other measures that have better track-records and lower costs, because those measures cut against the interests of the business lobby. Writing for the Law and Political Economy Project, Yale Law's Douglas Kysar gives some pointed examples:

https://lpeproject.org/blog/climate-change-and-the-neoliberal-imagination/

For example: carbon offsets rely on a notion called "contrafactual carbon," this being the imaginary carbon that might be omitted by a company if it wasn't participating in offsets. The number of credits a company gets is determined by the difference between its contrafactual emissions and its actual emissions.

But the "contrafactual" here comes from a business-as-usual world, one where the only limit on carbon emissions comes from corporate executives' voluntary actions – and not from regulation, direct action, or other limits on corporate conduct.

Kysar asks us to imagine a contrafactual that depends on "carbon upsets," rather than offsets – one where the limits on carbon come from "lawsuits, referenda, protests, boycotts, civil disobedience":

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/cif-green/2010/aug/29/carbon-upsets-offsets-cap-and-trade

If we're really committed to "all of the above" as baseline for calculating offsets, why not imagine a carbon world grounded in foreseeable, evidence-based reality, like the situation in Louisiana, where a planned petrochemical plant was canceled after a lawsuit over its 13.6m tons of annual carbon emissions?

https://earthjustice.org/press/2022/louisiana-court-vacates-air-permits-for-formosas-massive-petrochemical-complex-in-cancer-alley

Rather than a tradeable market in carbon offsets, we could harness the market to reward upsets. If your group wins a lawsuit that prevents 13.6m tons of carbon emissions every year, it will get 13.6 million credits for every year that plant would have run. That would certainly drive the commercial imaginations of many otherwise disinterested parties to find carbon-reduction measures. If we're going to revive dubious medieval practices like indulgences, why not champerty, too?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Champerty_and_maintenance

That is, if every path to a survivable planet must run through Goldman-Sachs, why not turn their devious minds to figuring out ways to make billions in tradeable credits by suing the pants off oil companies?

There are any number of measures that rise to the flimsy standards of evidence in support of offsets. Like, we're giving away $85/ton in free public money for carbon capture technologies, despite the lack of any credible path to these making a serious dent in the climate situation:

https://www.spglobal.com/commodityinsights/en/market-insights/latest-news/energy-transition/072523-ira-turbocharged-carbon-capture-tax-credit-but-challenges-persist-experts

If we're willing to fund untested longshots like carbon capture, why not measures that have far better track-records? For example, there's a pretty solid correlation between the presence of women in legislatures and on corporate boards and overall reductions in carbon. I'm the last person to suggest that the problems of capitalism can be replaced by replacing half of the old white men who run the world with women, PoCs and queers – but if we're willing to hand billions to ferkakte scheme like carbon capture, why not subsidize companies that pack their boards with women, or provide campaign subsidies to women running for office? It's quite a longshot (putting Liz Truss or Marjorie Taylor-Greene on your board or in your legislature is no way to save the planet), but it's got a better evidentiary basis than carbon capture.

There's also good evidence that correlates inequality with carbon emissions, though the causal relationship is unclear. Maybe inequality lets the wealthy control policy outcomes and tilt them towards permitting high-emission/high-profit activities. Maybe inequality reduces the social cohesion needed to make decarbonization work. Maybe inequality makes it harder for green tech to find customers. Maybe inequality leads to rich people chasing status-enhancing goods (think: private jet rides) that are extremely carbon-intensive.

Whatever the reason, there's a pretty good case that radical wealth redistribution would speed up decarbonization – any "all of the above" strategy should certainly consider this one.

Kysar's written a paper on this, entitled "Ways Not to Think About Climate Change":

https://political-theory.org/resources/Documents/Kysar.Ways%20Not%20to%20Think%20About%20Climate%20Change.pdf

It's been accepted for the upcoming American Society for Political and Legal Philosophy conference on climate change:

https://political-theory.org/13257256

It's quite a bracing read! The next time someone tells you we should hand Elon Musk billions to in exchange for making it possible to legally manufacture vast fleets of SUVs because we need to try "all of the above," send them a copy of this paper.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/31/carbon-upsets/#big-tradeoff

#pluralistic #neoliberalism #climate #market worship #economics #economism #there is no alternative #carbon credits #climate emergency #contrafactual carbon #carbon upsets #apologetics #murder offsets #indulgences

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morallyinept · 4 months

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I've created ID Badges & Cards for some of the Forces & Agent Pedro Boys, and some business cards for other characters too.

My original ID Badge post is here. However, I've now created more, and wanted to group them all together on a new post for ease of access. If, and when, I make anymore for future characters, I'll add them to this post.

I've referred to the actual badges the Pedro Boys wear, where available, in scenes from the shows/films, and referred to real life ID's for accuracy. Others are made with my own creative liberty and inspiration.

Let me know your faves, and if you have any requests, I'm always happy to hear them.

Enjoy! 🖤

Please note: I have not created these to sell, or for you to sell. I made these purely for creative use in your stories/edits, or if you want to simply print them out for a keepsake for yourself. A little fun gift from me to you. If you share or repost these elsewhere, please ensure you credit back to me, that's all I ask. Thank you 🖤

☝️All badge numbers and phone numbers are fake, however if they happen to be real phone numbers, it's purely a coincidence.

Javier Peña - DEA Contact Card & Name Badge

ℹ️ Javi's contact card is a direct copy from S3 EP5 Narcos, which he has in his ID wallet, and he also places down the card on the table in front of Fredy Moya in S3 EP10. Photo name badge is originally created by me, based on inspiration from real life DEA badges.

Marcus Pike & Juan Badillo - FBI Badges

ℹ️ Marcus Pike (The Mentalist) & Juan Badillo (Graceland) both work for the FBI. Juan is a control officer, whilst Marcus is a special agent. I kept the badges the same, but changed the roles & photos. Based off the design from Marcus' badge glimpsed in The Mentalist.

Dave York - DIA Badge (FBI Badge Non Canon)

ℹ️ Dave works in the DIA (Defense Intelligence Agency). Originally, I created an FBI badge for him, which is still relevant, as some people write him as being in the FBI in non canon etc... The DIA badge is based off of Dave's real badge in the film The Equalizer 2, which is only shown very briefly, and very blurry, so this is inspired by real life DIA badges, and the layout I saw on Dave's badge.

Agent Greer - AFT Badge

ℹ️ Agent Greer, in Law & Order, works for the BAFTE (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Explosives) and is known as an AFT Agent. His badge is glimpsed clearly and doesn't have a photo on it, so I kept the same design as his original badge on the show.

Frankie Morales - Delta Force Enlistment Document, Delta Force ID Card & Private Pilot's License.

ℹ️ Frankie doesn't have any ID physically shown in Triple Frontier, so these are all created by myself, drawing inspiration from real life Delta Force documents and pilot licenses. Frankie would have been younger when he joined Delta Force, hence choosing a younger looking photo for him. Frankie's private pilot license is designed on what a real, current license looks like. His Delta Force ID Card and Document are direct replicas of older style Delta Force ID's.

Detective Tim Rockford - LAPD ID Badge

ℹ️ Tim has a metal badge seen in the Merge Mansion adverts/stills, but I wanted to create a photo ID card for him. His badge number appears to be 2316 from what I can see on the images of it (could also be 2516), so I have used this as his badge number. Design based on a real life LAPD photo badge.

Special Agent Ortega - Photo ID Card

ℹ️ I created this based on the real life Pinkerton Detective Agency that was established back in 1850, and which most law enforcement was governed by back in the days of the Wild West, as is Special Agent Ortega. I tried to make it look old and worn. Ortega has a metal badge too, but not a star as he wasn't a sheriff. The Pinkerton logo is the actual logo used from back then too.

Zach Wellison - Royal Marine Corps ID

ℹ️ I created Zach's Marine Corps ID Badge based off of what a real, current badge looks like. I created his rank based on research and how many tours he mentioned he had done in the episode of Brothers & Sisters that he was in, so I put him as a Lance Corporal; a rank that sees front line action, but is not the lowest rank of front line Marines - it is third up from the bottom. I made his service status complete, as it doesn't mention in the episode why or how he left. But I personally imagine he had an honorable discharge due to PTSD/anger issues.

Agent Whiskey - Statesman ID Card

ℹ️ I kept the info brief on this card deliberately, seeing as Whiskey is a secret agent for a secret organisation. Therefore, I didn't include his real name. As there are no actual ID cards shown in the movie, this was all creative liberty from myself.

Detective Edward (Ed) Indelicato - LAPD ID Badge

ℹ️ Ed Indelicato is from the unaired pilot of the Wonder Woman TV series from 2011. He is a detective in LA who assists Wonder Woman, and I wanted to create a badge for him. I kept it similar to Tim's, but an earlier version with a slightly different layout and lighter blue tone. Based on a real life LAPD badge.

Kyle Hartley - EMT Card

ℹ️ Kyle is in an episode of CSI and he is a character who is an EMT/Paramedic. So I created a card for him based on his location in the show, and the photo image on his file from the episode.

Din Djarin - Bounty Hunter Guild Card

ℹ️ There are so many amazing cards out there already for Din, that are canon realistic. However, I created a basic ID token with his name and bounty ID number, all written in Mandalorian. The circular logo used here is from the Bounty Hunter's Guild formed by Bossk, Boba Fett and Din.

Joel Miller - Contractor Business Card

ℹ️ I created my own take on Joel & Tommy's contracting business card before the Outbreak. I wanted a clean, simple design that was reminiscent of business cards back in the early 2000's.

Jay Castillo - Tattoo Business Card

ℹ️ Jay is described as a tattoo artist in Red Widow, therefore I created a business card for his tattoo business. It's not confirmed if he has his own business or not in the show to my knowledge, so I made this based on my own assumption. I imagined this card being embossed and glossy when printed.

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #joel miller #javier pena #frankie morales #dave york #marcus pike #agent whiskey #juan badillo #special agent ortega #zach wellison #jay castillo #din djarin #detective tim rockford #agent greer #pedro pascal id badges #jett's designs

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petersbaby · 1 year

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Fuck it, I’m pressing post and you can’t stop me

Green - Gareth & Eddie x Reader

Warnings: high sex, reader is high but they are too (EVERYTHING’S CONSENSUAL), oral (m receiving), smut, male masturbation, threesome

Gareth is aged up to 18

“He’s still mad that I got you and not him.” Gareth says, leaned back and nonchalant in your computer chair.

“I’ve told you guys this, I’m not an item to be ‘got’. I get I’m the only girl in the group, but seriously.”

“Hey, I know that. It’s just like- it’s gotten worse, I think. He’s got it bad for you.”

“I’m yours, though. Wanna be yours.”

You look at him from the bed with eyes so sweet he has to come squish you and lay on top of you, hugging you tight. You giggled as you only struggled to breathe just a little bit, it wasn’t a problem. Worth it.

In the car on the way to Eddie’s to smoke, a couple of days later, you use the flip-down mirror to apply a fresh coat of lipgloss and Gareth takes his eyes off the road briefly to look at you.

“You’re so pretty. You know that?”

You blush. “Stop it.”

“I’m serious.” He laughs.

When you get to the trailer, you and Gareth both find a place on Eddie’s old and well loved sofa while he retrieves his supplies. You hear him rummaging around in his room, but he finally comes out with everything: the weed, the tray, the grinder, the rolling papers.

He sits and starts working his magic, grinding up the green substance and rolling it up, soon producing a pretty big joint that he lights in his mouth. You pass it back and forth to each other, 3 doesn’t really qualify as a “rotation”. You watch as the boys immerse in their creative process; sometimes they get like this.

They’ll go into song-writing mode and come up with their best ideas when they’re stoned. Eddie strums random cords on his guitar and your boyfriend jots down words in a beat up notebook.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, be right back.” Gareth announces, weirdly loud and formal, very high. You look over at Eddie and he’s stifling a laugh, trying to hard not to crack up. Very high too.

You couldn’t deny that you weren’t on the same level as them, but you were better at composing yourself. You just smile at him and shake your head, going back to watching tv.

Gareth gets up and goes down the hall to the bathroom, and as soon as the door clicks shut, Eddie puts down his guitar and scoots close to you. Like, right next to you, the spot Gareth was just in a minute ago.

“Uh… whatcha doing there, eds?” You laugh nervously.

“Listen, I just gotta say sorry in advance. I have to do this, I’m sorry.”

“What the-“

He leans in quickly, and in less than the amount of time it takes to blink, his lips press hard against yours. You felt like you were floating, felt like maybe you were in a dream. You were somewhere far away and on cloud nine, and all you could consciously do was let him kiss you. His lips tasted good. Weed, tobacco, cherry chapstick maybe?

You take in a deep, sharp breath once you realize what’s going on. It felt like forever to you, but Gareth was still in the bathroom, it must’ve only been a mere few seconds.

Yeah, for whatever reason, you decide to kiss him back. There would be major consequences for this, this was cheating. The more you thought about it, the guiltier you grew, you finally pulled away from him.

His face was flushed and red, eyes pink tinged and glassy. Standing unexpectedly right beside the couch was Gareth, and you immediately just wanna run. You have no explanation for why you did that. You didn’t do it, you tell yourself, he did it. You just let him. And then also sort of encouraged him. Just as bad? Maybe. Either way, both of you were frozen.

“Gare, I’m so sorry, I-“ you start to tear up.

“No, man, it was me. I kissed her, I fucked up and I kissed her. Don’t be mad at her, be mad at me, if anything.” Eddie interrupts, and starts to ramble.

Gareth ignores him and looks straight to you, for some reason, worry on his face. Concern?

“It’s okay. I told you he liked you, I tried to warn you. Are you okay? Did he go too far, you know, anything you didn’t consent to?”

“N-no.”

“Good. Did you… did you like it?” He asks, noticing your heavy breathing and frazzled expression. The room fell silent. Terribly silent. You weren’t gonna answer that.

“I asked you a question.” He reminds you firmly, as though you forgot. Really, the cogs in your brain were just desperately attempting to turn.

“I- I uh, I dunno, I’m just really high. I don’t know, I’m sorry.” You were overwhelmed, feeling like your body was overheating.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Eddie tries to comfort you. “It was all me, I’m serious. Don’t be mad at her.” He tries to defend himself to Gareth.

“I’m not mad. If she likes it, I’ll let it slide. Just this once, though, Munson. Never again.” He points at the boy.

“Really?” You ask, a little dumb and confused.

“Yeah, god, if you could see yourself right now. You look desperate. You want me to share some of you?”

“Mhm. Please.” You nod.

“Alright. Remember to speak up if you change your mind or don’t feel comfortable anymore.”

You nod again. He comes to sit on the couch beside you, on the other side of you this time, patting his lap. You happily climb into it, straddling him and attaching your lips to his right away.

To be honest, it didn’t matter who’s lips they were, kissing felt really really good right now. You have little perception on just what you’re doing subconsciously, just going with what felt right. You didn’t mind it at all, just happily soaking in every sensation you feel while on top of the world.

The boys didn’t mind either. They could tell you weren’t thinking, just going with the flow. You share a deep and filthy kiss with your boyfriend and you moan softly and repeatedly while your tongue invades his mouth.

You also soon started grinding down on him while doing this, truly a desperate little mess. Eddie sits on the other side of the couch just watching you, palming his achingly hard dick in his jeans.

“Mmh. ‘M hot.” You whine and Gareth pulls your top off over your head for you without hesitation. He wanted you to feel comfortable and if you were hot, he’d help you with that. There was nothing underneath the top he took off for you.

“Jesus christ.” Eddie mutters out loud, causing you to remember he’s there. You both look over at him, he’s already sweating.

“You wanna give our friend some sugar, baby?”

“Mhm.” You nod quickly, and crawl over to him. You do the same, climbing into his lap except this time only straddling one of his thighs, and he leans in to kiss you again.

You make out now, harder than the earlier kiss, more lust in it. You find yourself rutting against his jean-clad thigh, you feel the need to look over at your boyfriend. He gives you an approving expression, as if to silently say ‘yes, that’s fine.’

Eddie surprisingly kept his hands to himself, reluctant to possibly fuck this up. All he did was look, and he looked a lot.

“Fuck, want somethin’ inside of me.” You huff, pulling off.

“That’s gonna be me, I’m not letting Eddie fuck you, baby.”

“Okay.”

“Here, scoot toward me and bend over.”

You do as he says, arching your back while he checks out the view of your ass from behind.

“You wanna suck him off?”

“Should I?”

“I think it’d be the nice thing to do.”

“Okay. Yes.” You nod.

You look up at Eddie from below your lashes and he quickly turns to face you, undoing his best buckle hastily and pushing his pants and boxers down his thighs.

You hear the same belt and zipper noises from behind you, then feel your jeans and panties being pulled off of you and you help in their removal. Gareth presses his cock against your soaking wet hole and groans to himself, you take Eddie’s cock in your hand and stroke it a few times.

“Shit.” He comments at the feeling. Your hand felt so much better than his own. You spit on the tip and it runs down his length, warm saliva glistening, and you keep jerking his cock.

You grow desperate, achingly aware of the emptiness in your cunt and wiggle your ass slightly to try to tell him you want it now. Gareth grabs your hips to still you, and sinks in not-so-gradually. A loud moan erupted from you.

“Ohhh, fuck. Oh, fuck.” You moan as he slides in and out of your wet heat with ease.

Now that you had something filling up that part of you, you decided to fill your mouth up next. You take the tip of Eddie’s leaking cock past your lips, tongue running up and down the slit to collect the precum.

“Ah, god damn it. Holy shit.” Eddie grips the couch cushions closest to his reach, not prepared for your level of skill with this.

“Her mouth is good, isn’t it? It’s all mine, too.” Gareth says smugly, smacking your ass with a little sting.

“Yes, mmmh, fuck.”

You sink down deeper, taking more and more of him into your mouth until your lips reach the neat curls at the base of his cock. Gareth pounds into you harder from behind, making you moan around it. Eddie feels the vibration to his core, almost shuddering. He’s a moaning, groaning mess.

You pull off of his dick, a string of saliva connecting it to your mouth, to speak.

“You can pull my hair. Please.”

Eddie finds his dominant hand in your hair, collecting a fistful of it and tugging at it roughly, which makes you moan.

He uses the leverage to guide your head up and down, at the perfect pace that had him quickly stumbling to the edge, hitting the back of your throat each time without a problem. You didn’t seem to have a gag reflex, so he took advantage of that. You truly were something.

But soon, you feel your release coming, just needing a little bit more. You take your hand off Eddie, pulling off of him, and reach between your thighs, beneath your body.

You start to rub circles over your clit while Gareth fucks you from behind, selfishly chasing what you want and now neglecting Eddie.

He watches you desperately and feverishly touch yourself like an animal in heat and starts fucking his fist. You whine and cry into the cushions, beginning to chant “please, please, please.”

“I’ve got you, shh. You’ll get it.” Gareth soothes, gently rubbing your ass.

“Please, daddy, oh fuck.”

Both boys groan. Eddie is so fucking jealous of Gareth.

“Please, please, I’m-“ you let out a loud, pornographic moan, one that’s familiar to Eddie only because he watches a lot of porn. You sounded just like the girls in them, heavenly.

You tighten up around Gareth’s cock and feel yourself gush a little, orgasming hard. He doesn’t let up, continuing his pace, while you whine and come down. You look at Eddie again, and see that he’s fiercely stroking his cock while just looking at you, watching you enjoy yourself.

You take over again, swatting his hand away and replacing it with your mouth. It takes a very small amount of time after this before his cock is twitching in your mouth, and that’s the only warning you get that he’s cumming.

He cums with a groan and a string of curses, letting you suck the soul out of him til he has nothing left. You feel it all run down the back of your throat and swallow it down.

When you’re done, you look up at his face to see his eyes blown out, huge and wide. He was panting, almost like a dog who got too excited, looking down at you with wonder.

“You make eds feel good? You make him happy?” Gareth asks.

“Mhm. I did.” You answer, feeling proud of yourself.

“Good girl.” He breathes heavily, fucking into your cunt hard. “My- god damn it, my turn.”

You feel his thrusts get sloppier and you know he’s close, you wait patiently to be filled up and you soon are.

“You okay?”

“I’m good.” You sigh, nodding your head.

You lay there, still in a daze, still a bit high. Still very naked. Both the boys were all clothed again, and look quite normal and casual besides their hair being a little messier than it usually is.

They seem to have come down, or are in the process of coming down, which you were still not yet.

“Okay, well put your clothes back on, ‘kay? Here.” Gareth hands you your shirt, panties, and pants, telling Eddie to go get you a cup of water. Once you have everything back on, you chug the water very fast, and they both chuckle.

Gareth lets you lay your head in his lap, playing with your hair. You’re sleepy, but you can hear them talking above you.

Something about “a one time thing,” and “don’t go telling anyone about this.” and Eddie agreeing. Too sleepy.

#eddie munson #gareth x reader #gareth emerson imagine #gareth emerson fanfic #gareth emerson x reader #gareth emerson #gareth emerson smut #eddie x fem!reader #eddie munson x fem reader #eddie munson stranger things #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson fanfic #gareth x eddie #gareth smut #gareth stranger things

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