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dudeitiskarev · 25 days

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I Want to Hold Your Hand | Aaron Hotchner

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x bau female reader

Summary: Hotch sends you home and you almost die, which only makes him realize how much he truly loves you.

Word count: 2.4k.

Tags/warnings: hurt/little comfort; season 1 Hotch my beloved <3; canon typical violence; Haley and Jack don’t exist in this universe oopsies; angst with happy ending; Hotch is a baby; probably very inaccurate medical talk bc all I know is from Grey’s; not beta read + English isn’t my first language so good luck with that.

Author’s note: remember when I said I was probably done writing for a Hotch? Turns out all I had to do was stop taking my antidepressant 🙄 anyway, don’t get your hopes high. I just needed to take a break from my never-ending Spence fic so I wrote this. Which is basically a rewrite of what happened with Elle. I just wanted to make Hotch suffer a little so I hope you like it!

MASTERLIST

A few hours ago, Aaron kissed the top of your head and sent you back to the hotel with a police officer.

Now, he was in a hospital waiting room with his heart in his throat, hoping the doctor would show up with good news.

You’d been attacked in your hotel room, and it was his fault.

“They’re gonna set up a bed for you in her room.” Jason walked in with a cup of coffee for Aaron. His fourth one already.

“She’s… not out of surgery yet,” Aaron shut his eyes. “We don’t know if —”

“The hospital chief, I know him.” Gideon sort of smiled. “I asked him if he could go check on her. All I know is that they’re closing her up now.”

The words began to sound far and faded as if Aaron was underwater. His vision blurred and his legs would’ve given up if he wasn’t sitting down already.

It was his soul returning to his body.

He didn’t want to get his hopes high, though. If they were closing you up it meant you were alive, but nothing else. There could be a hundred things wrong with you while being alive.

All he could do was nod and put his hands together over his lips like a prayer.

You were alive.

“The doctor should be here with the updates any minute now.” Jason sat next to Aaron and gave him a gentle tap on his back.

Gideon knew. Even when Hotch hadn’t told anyone about his feelings—not even you—he spent most of his day with profilers so of course the best one in his team knew about it.

“I’m heading back to the hotel soon,” Gideon continued. “See what the hell happened. Why… How did they let the unsub enter her room. Garcia should be landing soon. We need to check every security camera.” He smacked his tongue in disappointment and shook his head.

Aaron rose from his seat and tried his best to at least let his shoulders relax but every bit of him had turned into concrete.

“Where are Reid and Morgan?” He asked, pacing back and forth and stretching his neck from one side to the other. Even in moments like this, he needed to know where the rest of his people were. Especially in moments like this.

“Back at the local PD,” Gideon answered.

“JJ?”

“She’s talking to the hotel manager, making sure none of the employees makes any declaration to the press before we catch the guy.”

Aaron nodded, and soon, the doctor walked into the room with the updates.

“Surgery was a success,” he began. “We managed to repair all the damage and save her lung. Now, she flatlined once in the ambulance and then again during surgery so her brain has been through a lot.”

It wasn’t the time to profile anyone, but the way the doctor couldn’t keep eye contact for longer than two seconds told Aaron he was aiming at something more serious.

“Just tell us.” Aaron rubbed his thumb with his fingers.

“She’s not breathing on her own yet and according to her EEG, her last exam, her brain is swollen. It may take her a while to wake up.” The doctor gulped. “If she wakes up.”

Aaron’s entire world crumbled once again. He pinched the bridge of his nose and walked to a corner to pull himself together.

This was his fault. You might never wake up and it was his fault.

“When can we see her?” Gideon asked for him.

“You can see her now but… you need to be prepared. A machine is breathing for her. There’s a tube down her throat and it might be a lot to look at.”

Just picturing you like that turned his stomach upside down.

God, if you don’t ever wake up—

“She’s gonna wake up.” Penelope’s voice entered the room and so did the light she carried everywhere.

She was one of Aaron’s comfort people. If Penelope was there, there was hope.

“Garcia,” Jason said in a don’t tone.

“She’s strong.” Penelope walked up to Hotch anyway. “And people wake up from comas. Miracles happen and—” Her eyes filled with tears once she touched Hotch’s arm to get his attention. “She needs us, she needs you. And we need her.”

Garcia also knew, apparently. And if she knew without being a profiler, everyone else knew.

“I found this.” She handed Hotch a Polaroid picture of you. You were leaning on Garcia’s desk, your arms folded over your chest and with your sweet, sweet smile. There was the hope. “I took it a while ago and kept it on my desk along with the others but…”

Aaron took it with a shaky hand. You were mesmerizing.

“García,” Gideon insisted.

A nurse interrupted to let them know they could see you now.

“You go,” Gideon said to Hotch, taking a step back. “Just call me if anything changes. Garcia, you’re coming with me.”

“Yes, sir.” Penelope gave Hotch one last hopeful smile before following Jason out.

Aaron looked at your photo again and took deep breaths to gather himself as walked to the endless hall that took him to you.

“We’ll set up your bed in a few.” The nurse smiled at him, gesturing for him to go in. “She looks good. It might not look like it because of all the machines but she’s doing good. She’s a strong woman.”

Aaron said a quiet thanks before the nurse left.

It was just you and him.

The steady beeping of the machine brought him a sense of comfort—it meant you were alive—yet his feet were hesitant to take him next to you. He stood at the door for a moment, watching you from afar.

As the doctor had said, it was a lot to look at. It reminded him of the last time he saw someone close to him like this: his father. The difference was that back then, he couldn’t wait for his dad to die.

Today, he’d found himself praying multiple times to a god he wasn’t even sure existed most times.

He dared to move and when he reached your side, he almost crumbled. You had a few bruises on your left cheek, your knuckles were split—you even had a broken finger, and you looked beautiful as ever. He wished he could see the twinkle of your eyes, hear your voice, catch you smiling at him.

Guilt brewed at the pit of his stomach again. He should’ve gone with you. He should’ve been with you.

He lifted one hand to stroke your head and tears welled up as soon as his skin touched yours. His chin quivered and he sniffled quietly as tears threatened to spill. He used the heel of his hands to dry them away. He couldn’t cry, even if you were in a coma and couldn’t see him like this—broken. You believed people’s energy had effects on others, and you needed him to be strong. He needed to be more like you.

His bed was set soon after, right next to you. His eyes were heavy, and his muscles were sore. Even then, he couldn’t bring himself to lie down. He was scared to close his eyes. What if you died while he was asleep? He stayed sitting down, holding your hand and never losing sight of you.

“It’s raining,” he said out loud, talking to you. “Every time it rains I think of you.”

He smiled at the memories. You’d shown up at his office for your interview drenching, and he was smitten from the very first moment he laid eyes on you.

“Agent Hotchner,” your perky voice caught him off guard. No one inside the BAU building was perky—besides Garcia.

You stood by the door, both hands behind your back waiting for his signal to come in.

“Please.” He gestured with his hand to the seat across from him.

He took half a second to study you quickly. Raindrops were gathered over the shoulders of your blazer and your mascara was a bit smudged under your eyes.

“Forgot your coat, agent?” He commented, peeling his eyes off you and reading through your resume.

“Didn’t think I’d be raining by the time I arrived, sir. I don’t keep an umbrella in my car either. I apologize for my… appearance.”

It wasn’t your appearance that got you on his team, it was your outstanding resume. It made him wonder why you chose to apply to the Behavioral Analysis Unit instead of staying at ViCAP. Your performance there was impeccable.

“I wasn’t feeling comfortable there anymore,” was your answer. “And I want to seek other paths, sir. And I know I’m a good fit for your team.”

You started the very next day, and he partnered up with you to keep an eye on you during your first cases. You were a quick thinker, were fast on your feet, and stayed calm under critical situations.

Not once he felt at a disadvantage in the field for working with the new kid, which only showed him how good you naturally were. He was drawn to you and it wasn’t just because of your professionalism.

It was your fast food order. It was the first joke you ever made that only made him laugh. It was your perfume, the way you spoke with your hands, and how you raised your brows when making a point.

Everything about you made him take a deep breath. You made him dizzy. Lightheaded. Drunk.

Exactly how he felt right now while holding your hand, except that now, the room was spinning at the mere thought of losing you.

“I love you,” he murmured, bringing your hand up to his lips and kissing your bruised knuckles with shaky lips. “I love you.”

He’d never said it before. He didn’t know he did until now.

“God, I love you so much. From the moment I saw you, you lit up my life. You made it better, made me better.” He kept talking to you, hoping that his voice would heal everything inside you. “I can’t lose you. I won’t make it.”

Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up.

The rain stopped, the hours passed, and the sun never came out.

It’d been two weeks and he’d already made the habit of reading you at night.

“Studies have shown that playing music they really like and talking to the person in a coma increases their chances of waking up,” Spencer had said the day the entire team came to visit you.

Most nights he read case files. Others, he liked to read poetry.

You still hadn’t woken up, but the music, the poetry, and the flowers didn’t stop.

“I hope you don’t mind if I read something by Neruda,” Aaron said as he sat on the chair next to you. “Maybe not Neruda.”

It was one of those nights where hope had watered down with his tears.

He put the book down next to you and held your hand. He hadn’t stopped holding your hand; he hadn’t stopped kissing it either. He sighed deeply and stood up to draw the blinds, turning his back to you.

A loud smack against the floor startled him, making him turn around. The book he’d left next to you had fallen. He didn’t think he’d left it at the edge of the bed, but he picked it up without much curious and went to put it where it was.

Your hand twitched when he grazed your knuckles casually.

Then it twitched again—harsher—and a soft whimper came from your chest. That sound definitely came out of your body.

Aaron was quick to check on you, towering over you and watching you closely. Your eyelids started to move and the next thing he knew, he was making eye contact with you.

Those beautiful twinkling eyes took his breath away.

“We need a doctor in here!” He was quick to react, pressing the call button.

Nurses stormed inside and moved him out of the way to assist you.

“She’s awake. She’s fighting the tube,” was all he heard before a thousand tingles rushed through him.

You were awake.

Your doctor arrived soon after to examine you and Aaron stood there as they took the tube out.

You coughed and writhed with discomfort.

“Can you tell me your name?” Your doctor moved a small flashlight in front of your eyes.

You blinked a few times and searched around the room. Your eyes landed on Aaron. “Hotch?”

Your soft voice traveled to him and enveloped his heart, mending every bit that was broken.

“Hi,” he merely said.

You shook your head and said your name instead. Your doctor asked some more questions like your birthday, where you worked at and what was the last thing you remembered, and the entire time your eyes were trained on Aaron.

“It’s vague.” You took a sharp breath. “I think I was attacked but I don’t know how. I can assume by this unglued scar, though.” You put your palm on your chest.

“We’re still going to do some tests,” Your doctor said. “But you’re great. Pupils are responsive, your lungs sound healthy and there are no signs of brain damage. No memory loss. No speech loss either.”

“How soon can she go home?” Aaron asked, taking another step closer. He finally stood by your side, and you reached for his hand.

This was you. Sweet and caring even at your worst.

“I’d like to keep her under observation for a couple of days, then she can go. But just so you know, you can’t fly for at least two weeks after open-chest surgery.”

The doctor gave you some other indications before leaving, then it was just the two of you as it’d been for the past two weeks. Though now he got to see the twinkle of your eyes, hear your voice, and catch you smiling at him.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, tilting your head to the side like a puppy.

“I sent you away and—“ he raised his brows.

“Don’t.” You squeezed his hand. “Don’t do that. Don’t… blame yourself.”

“I should’ve come with you. I should’ve— god, you almost died. You almost died,” he repeated in a whisper, shutting his eyes with pain.

The guilt was still there.

“But I didn’t.”

“I was so scared,” he admitted, daring to look back at you.

“I… don’t remember much. Just bits and pieces but I do remember that I wasn’t scared. I think. I… channeled you at that moment.” You laughed. “I remember thinking, Hotch wouldn’t be scared, he would put up a fight, so I did. I fought the guy, which got me almost killed but I wasn’t scared.” You lifted your hand and cradled his face, rubbing your thumb over his cheek. “You have a beard.”

He chuckled. “Barely.”

“It looks good. I like it.”

He didn’t like it much, but he was grateful it was there so you wouldn’t see how hard he was blushing. He poured you some water and handed it you to distract himself from it.

“Where are we?” You then asked, taking a sip from the straw.

“Seattle.” Aaron raised his brows while licking his lips.

Last time you two were in Seattle, you’d kissed for the first time.

“Oh,” you mirrored his smirk. “So that’s gonna be like a three-day road trip back to Quantico?”

“It’s either that or two more weeks in Seattle until you can fly there,” he responded.

“Both sound amazing, don’t you think?” you scanned his face up and down and heat rushed to his cheeks again. “Thank you for staying with me, Aaron.”

I love you, he thought.

“How could I not?” he said instead.

Never said there would be a love confession now did I 🤭 But don’t worry, hotch confesses his love during the road trip <33333 also the title is a The Beatles song bc he played The Beatles a lot while reader was in a coma. And bc he held her hand a lot.

I hope you liked it!!!!

#aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner one shot #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner x fem reader #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner blurb #aaron hotchner x female reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction

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bunnyhugs77 · 4 months

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Daddy Daycare

Pairing: Technician! Jungkook x Teacher's Assistant! Reader

Word Count: 6.7k

Part: 1, 2, 3

Series Content: daycare au, suggestive themes, love at first sight? dilf jk, mentions of antidepressants, mint jk and blonde jk, jk cant sleep, sexual themes, he's so whipped, toxic ex, minor baby mama drama, gold diggers, mentions of death, complicated family history, cute kid cameos, reader can't drive, jk is good with his hands, mentions of abusive relationships, so much fluff.

Other Series Content: soft dom! jk, muscle kink, pussy puts his ass to sleep, unprotected sex (just don't), oral sex (f! and m! receiving), brief choking, minor breeding kink, hickeys, brief dom! reader, reader makes him wait, intimate cuddling, praise.

"And the kiss. Oh, Vanessa, the kiss was something else!" You exclaim, helping to set up the Christmas decorations around the class.

It was only the day after Thanksgiving which means the Christmas season was now in full swing. Stepping up on the small stepping stool to hang the green tinsel over the whiteboard.

"It sounds like you had a good night. What's the problem then?" Vanessa sets up the miniature Christmas tree in the corner.

"I did. Everything was going so well. Dare I say perfectly, until his phone was going off non stop from someone named Hanna saying things like 'when am I gonna see you again' and 'I can't stop thinking about our night together'"

Vanessa gasps. "So what did Jungkook say?" You chew on our bottom lip, "He was putting Ryan to bed in the other room, so he wasn't there when I saw those messages pop up." She tsks.

"I tried to tell you. Nothing good comes from dealing with a parent." You sighed heavily, looking out the window at the playground that was covered in a thick white blanket of snow.

"I know, but I couldn't help it. Him and his stupid smile and his pretty eyes." Vanessa hums smugly. "I'm sure Hanna thinks the same thing." You groan. She's right.

"You're right, I shouldn't get involved. She could be the mother of his child for all I know."

"For your own sake. You better pray she's not. Ex's are a royal pain in the-"

"Good Morning." Vanessa interrupts her own words as she greets the parents that walked in.

Crouching near the bookshelf while you organized the fallen books, from the corner of your eye you were able to pick up on the entrance of your minor headache. Not Ryan, of course, his father.

Ryan was just a sweetheart who greeted you with a hug so tight that he'd knocked you out of your crouched position onto your bum. "Ryan! Be careful." You'd never heard Jungkook's voice so stern. You make sure the boy is okay and help him back to his feet before moving your hair back to where it should be.

"Sorry, Ms. Hill." He apologizes with those big brown eyes that he clearly gets from his dad. "It's okay, I'm fine." You reassure with a smile and he runs off.

Jungkook offers you his hand to help you up but you stand on your own, dusting off your jeans with a clearing of your throat. "Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I promise. I landed on the carpet."

"That's not what I meant." He says.

Taking a quick glance around the classroom, noticing some parents still making their way in and out of the classroom and the kids making their way to their seats. "You know, now really isn't a good time-" About to move out of his way, he steps in front of you.

Instinctively your eyes rolled, trying to remember what Vanessa told you. Not to get involved. "I know you saw the texts. Let me explain." You shake your head, "It's none of my business, there's nothing to explain. You should get going. I wouldn't want you to be late for work."

With that said, you walk away, heading towards the desks where your students waited patiently for instruction.

Jungkook walked out of the daycare that day deflated and unable to think about anything aside from you, and that look in your eyes. Like you were disappointed, as if you had high hopes for him and he let you down.

He thought he could just move past it, maybe even accept that things wouldn't work out between the two of you, but seeing you everyday, smiling with all the other parents and giving him nothing more than a simple head acknowledgement was killing him.

As much as he wanted to explain himself, he didn't want to force himself into your life. He wanted you to want to hear him out, even if that meant the two of you not talking much or at all for a few weeks then he was going to have to be okay with that.

But there were some days he had to physically restrain himself from breaking the no-contact. He remembers the day vividly. It was the first week back from winter break, maybe he was so pent up because he hadn't been able to see you for two weeks or if it was how good you looked in your leggings.

All he knows is that somewhere between that mix and you squatting to pick something from off the ground, for the briefest of seconds he'd caught sight of the strappy black thong that rose over your hips before they were hidden once again under your bottoms.

No one would've noticed it. No one that wasn't mildly obsessed with you that is. He quickly sent Ryan off and left for work. Managing to somehow squeeze in 13 hours of work into an 8 hour shift, he'd overcompensated as a means to distract himself.

"So you guys just haven't talked since you shooed him?" Vanessa asks for clarification, wrapping her scarf securely around her neck, getting ready to head out after offering you a ride which you couldn't object to, weather conditions were worsening as you were entering the heart of winter in the middle of January.

"I didn't shoo him, but I definitely would've handled things differently if I knew he would start avoiding me. I didn't want things to end like this." You explain, digging your hands deep into your pockets the moment the two of you stepped outside. The chilling air blew in your hair and around your earmuffs with determination.

You strapped yourself in passenger seat, "So you didn't actually want things to end?" With your head laying back on the headrest you puffed out a stressed breath, unintentionally making a small circle of condensation on your window. Like a child you drew a little heart in the middle.

"I thought I did, y'know? Wanted to do what you said and stay away, but maybe I got hasty." She hums oddly, making a ominous "Mhm" sound. "What does that mean?" She pulls out of the parking lot slowly, the snow was really falling tonight, laying on the ground in thick increments.

"Nothing." Turning to face her with your body, "No, no. Say it."

"I've been here. You know I've been here, I've been in a very similar position, but I did somehow manage to get a decent outcome, but things could've gotten much worse, not just for the relationship but for his kid at the time. So, I guess what I'm saying is, take this little break to really think about if this is the kind of thing you want to get yourself involved in."

You nodded, sitting with your hands in your lap like an obedient child. Really taking what Vanessa was saying into deep consideration. Deciding to reflect on it for the rest of the car ride to your building.

"What a day." You sigh, as you drop your keys onto the small counter you kept near the door.

The first thing you noticed was how cold it was inside your apartment, as if trying to compete with the flurrying outdoors. "Why is it so cold in here?" You whisper to yourself.

Flicking on the lights, or at least that's what you wanted. "What the--" the switch flies up then down then up again with the tip of your finger as you restlessly try to turn the lights on. "You've got to be joking."

Wrapping yourself tighter into your jacket as you walk through your dark apartment, relying on the sheer memorization of the layout to get you to the bathroom where you tried turning on the tap. Nothing.

The pipes must've frozen. and the snowstorm blew out your power.

This was great news for you, you'd always loved the movie Frozen and now you get to experience it first hand!!

"You've reached the voicemail box of--"

"Fuck you!" You shout at your phone after 5 hours and the twelfth attempt you'd made at calling your landlord. He's always been an asshole but ignoring his tenants when they were freezing to death is an all new low even for him.

You'd managed to wrap yourself in a blanket burrito surrounded by the 4 candles you were able to light before your hands began to freeze. Your body was barely managing to keep warm until you remembered the small cheap space heater you'd bought from a thrift store a few years back.

But it was buried deep in your closet. However, it took you no time to find it as you dug through the mountains of miscellaneous objects and finally pulled it out from the bottom.

Rushing to plug it in with desperation. Then you remembered. There was no power. As badly as you wanted to scream and toss the heater across your dimly lit room, you didn't. Instead you sat quietly in your burrito and began to cry.

What if this was it?

Tomorrow your students would find out their teacher had frozen to death. Were you being dramatic? You weren't even sure. You're not even sure how they would react, but you're sure the parents would be shocked- and Jungkook.

Jungkook.

"Jungkook!" You gasp. Your freezing hands reaching for your phone, trying to type in his number as fast as you could but your joints felt like they were dead locked in place and moved 1 key per minute.

The phone began to ring, and ring,,,

On the other end of the line, Jungkook was also having a pretty rough night. Laying on his bed with his bare stomach facing the ceiling eyes wide open and his brain a never ending circus.

He tried to focus on his breathing, but he couldn't sleep.

He hasn't been able to get a good sleep for a few months now.

Turning on his side he looked at the picture of him and Ryan at his third birthday party. He was so much smaller then. 'I looked so happy' he thinks to himself with a sad smile on his face.

Beginning to wish that Ryan was with him in that moment but he knew it was for the best that he'd dropped him at his parents' for the weekend. He was beginning to enter one of those episodes and he couldn't stop it, no matter how badly he wanted to, no matter how hard he tries to.

Ryan deserved a father who could be happy all the time-- He sits up. Holding his head in his hands, taking deep breaths. Erasing those thoughts- trying to. Slowly letting his vision roam back to his night stand drawer where he kept his pills.

God, was it always going to be like this?

Lifelessly he reached for the handle and pulled it open, his hands blindly reaching for the cylindrical bottle and unscrewing the cap taking the recommended dose before putting it away.

He lays back down with a soft grunt, staring up at the ceiling tumultuously. Resting his hands on his firm core, focusing on the way it rises and falls with every breath, thinking about the day it stops. The day he's no longer sentenced to the time he's currently serving in his own mind-

"I should try to get some sleep" He mumbles to no one in particular.

His eyes shoot open after a mere 3 seconds of being closed. He listens to it ring, ring and ring, not sure he's in the mood to be taking any calls right now.

Though, it may be his parents with an emergency. He finds himself rolling onto his stomach, more than shocked to see your name pop up on his phone.

"Hello?"

"H-Hi! It's me. I'm sorry if I woke you up," Your voice was refreshing, like the first ray of sunshine after a dark and stormy night or the smell of fresh coffee in the morning.

"No, you didn't wake me. What's up?" You weren't sure if you were looking too deep into things but he sounded different. His voice was flatter, none of that familiar bubbly hint to be found in it, then again, It was nearly one in the morning.

"You probably don't remember but you gave me your card, and said if I ever had any technical issues I could give you a call," your teeth were chattering, prompting you to wrap yourself even tighter.

"I remember." How could he forget.

"Yea! Well, my apartment has no power or running water, so its pretty cold over here, and I was wondering if you had any tips or tricks on how to get something to work."

He sits up abruptly. "What?"

"Yeah, my landlord is pretty shitty and hasn't answered my calls, I'm not even sure if maintenance is available or even knows about the situation themselves." You hear some muffling on the other end assuming he'd dropped his phone but it was actually Jungkook rushing to put on a shirt.

"Hello?" you say blankly, wondering if you'd lost connection.

"It's a fucking snowstorm outside. You'll freeze." You laugh, and that stops him in his tracks for a moment, "Oh I know, I'm getting a little taste of that right now actually. Do you by any chance know what the first signs of frostbite are?"

"Send me your address, I'm coming to get you."

"No, Jungkook. I wont let you do that, the roads are terrible." He doesn't respond, or maybe he does, you couldn't hear over the sound of keys jingling.

Clearly it was useless trying to change his mind, and the last thing you'd want is for him to go out of his way for nothing so you sent him your address.

What would usually be 15 minute drive had turned into 40 with the poor weather conditions but it wasn't any more than an hour before you heard knocking on your door.

Still wrapped in your thick blankets you opened it.

"Are you alright? How do you feel?" Jungkook inspects you, taking your hands in his, "You're ice cold." He says, reaching into his jacket pocket and placing his hand warmers in yours. "Keep those, they'll help you warm up." He insists.

"Do you have everything?" You nod while briefly raising your overnight bag. "Okay, let's go."

The drive over was silent, you somehow managed to fit your seatbelt over your jacket and blanket that you couldn't part with. Jungkook periodically looked over to se if you were okay, never actually saying anything but the concern in his eyes was evident with every glance.

The first step inside his place gave you chills, the good kind, finally. Not the ones that left you shaking for warmth. It was so warm, Jungkook took your bag while walking you towards the living room as he turned on the fireplace, suggesting you warm up before doing anything else.

"Here," He hands you a warm mug of hot chamomile with a bit of honey for sweetness. "Thank you, Jungkook. For everything." You say sincerely, afraid you'd be repaying him for all the times he'd saved your ass in this life and the next.

"Don't mention it." Unwilling to accept such a humble response, "No. I'm serious. I disturbed your night, and you dropped everything to help me." He smiles for the first time all night, it was a small one but it was still a smile.

"I told you, already. I wasn't doing anything. I'm actually glad you called, it was nice to get out of my head for a bit." your head tilts unconsciously at that last part. "Nevermind." Checking his watch, it was nearly three in the morning.

"I set up your stuff in my room. It's getting pretty late, you should get some rest." Your eyes were feeling pretty heavy now that he mentioned it, you didn't fight it. Slowly standing from the pile of throw overs you'd buried yourself underneath making your way upstairs.

"Wait." You pause at the first step.

"Where's Ryan?" You should've realized sooner, but what could you say, you were a bit wrapped up earlier. Literally. "He's at his grandparents, probably snoring right now as we speak." You smile.

You'd gotten ready, taking a much needed shower and tying your hair back into two braids so that they would have some soft waves for tomorrow.

You sat cross legged on Jungkook's bed with your MacBook on your lap as you went through some of the classroom picture's you were yet to send to parents from the Winter Wonderland Concert the daycare had put on last week.

"Hey," Your head snaps up to see Jungkook peeking his head through the door, "I just wanted to say Goodnight." He says and you smile, but you'd just come across something you're sure he would love to see.

"Come look at this video of Ryan singing his interpretation of the opera singer we had perform last week." Jungkook sits beside you on the bed with his legs stretched out in front of him.

He paused when he turned to look at you, "What?" Your face is puzzled at his concentrated expression. "I didn't know you wore glasses?" He says and it reminds you that this was the first time he'd seen you with lenses on, or anyone for that matter.

"Yeah, I usually wear contacts-- Look! This is the part," You get distracted as the video begins to play. And somehow one video turns into five and the computer slides off your lap into the gap between the both of you as your head laid against his padded shoulder.

You'd fallen asleep. Slowly Jungkook closes the laptop and places it on the nightstand, even more carefully removing your glasses and placing them on top of the stowed away device.

Letting you down gently until your head hits the pillow, he sneakily begins to slip out of your grasp. "Stay." You say, your eyes closed and body still. Maybe he was hearing things. He shakes it off and begins to step away.

"Please, m'Cold." You mumble into the pillow with your eyes still shut.

"Do you want me to turn up the heat?" He offers like the gentleman he is, for the first time he saw a sign of consciousness as you slightly shake your head. "I want you to stay, please?"

He was nervous. Settling himself under the convers with you, remaining as far as possible and turning off the bedside lamp. Within two minutes his body froze as you'd rolled over from your side until your head was on his chest.

He wonders if you could feel the way his heart was racing.

you could.

"Relax," you quip, half-awake. Oddly enough, that actually does help him to relax, his arm instinctively wrapping around your waist for comfort. Feeling your body against his didn't trigger his perversions as he once thought it would.

It felt so much better than that. He felt, comfortable. The way your body radiated a calming heat onto him and reassured him that someone was both physically and emotionally present was just enough to lull him to sleep.

As the night morphed into a radiant sunrise you began to stir in your sleep. Your limbs stretching across the the grey sheets and soft blankets while the tips of your fingers roamed the surface.

Slowly remembering where you were and realizing you were in the bed alone. Though you specifically remember going to sleep with him. When did he get up?

Tugging down the leg of your sweatpants that had rolled up at the ankle at some point during your blissful sleep. Rubbing your eyes as you stepped into the bathroom to brush your teeth before finally following that pleasant scent that was wafting around the house.

"Still avoiding me?" You joke as you laid your eyes on Jungkook's broad back that was facing you as he flipped pancakes. He turns to you with a lopsided smile.

"Avoiding you?" Nodding, letting your hands trace the back of the chair before taking a seat at the island, watching him.

"Yeah, you've been avoiding me since thanksgiving." His brows furrow then raise in a mix of confusion and astonishment. "Me? I have not been avoiding you. I was giving you space."

Bracing your hands down on the countertop you shake your head. "Yes you have. Every day you see me and just leave, not a good morning or anything."

Jungkook flips this battered treat a little harder than he should. "Yeah, because the last time I had tried to talk to you, you made it pretty clear you didn't want to talk, so why would I force it?"

You sigh. Vanessa was right, maybe you did shoo him. "I didn't mean to disregard you so inconsiderately, I was just-- I don't know what I was feeling in that moment, honestly." He turns to face you once again, leaning back on the counter.

"I know, that's why I wanted to explain myself." Your eyes watch his buff chest raise and fall as he takes a deep breath, "My eyes are up here." He points between the two of you, and you felt like you could just fall over and die.

You clear your throat, deciding that you simply couldn't make eye contact with him at all after that!

He notices your embarrassed body language, "Hey, I was just joking, I don't mind your eyes wandering a little." He teases and it somehow made your face even hotter, you were afraid you would burst into flames.

"Just-Just go back to what you were saying." You almost plead as you run a hand through your wavy hair.

Jungkook plates the last pancake on to your elegantly presented plate, before sliding it in front of you. Making a plate for himself he decides to eat standing up in front of you with his plate on the counter you could maintain direct eye contact.

"I met Hana about a year ago at Ryan's old school before we switched here. She's another parent I'd met at one of their events. I was going through a lot of shit back then, so relationships were the furthest thing from my mind but one night about 6 months ago, our kids were away at a summer camp for 2 days; and after a few play dates over the prior months, she'd called me to let me know that Ryan had left one of his toys at her place. So I went to pick it up, but we ended up talking, had a few drinks and one thing led to another and then shit hit the roof." He sighs before taking a bite of his breakfast, which is delicious by the way.

Your head tilted to the side ever so slightly, subconsciously of course but Jungkook took it as an indication to explain. "I made sure it was clear to her it was just a one time thing and she agreed. For the first few weeks I thought we were on the same page, but then she started calling me and leaving these... desperate voicemails. After that I already knew I wouldn't be be bringing Ryan back to that preschool, besides their teachers were terrible." You nod, no longer eating as the story kept you fed and engaged.

"At first I thought she would stop over time, but she didn't. It only got worse, so I finally called her back to let her know she needed to stop but she wanted to have the conversation in person, which sounded reasonable to me at the time, but I should've seen right through it because low and behold, the same mistake was made, once again."

"Wait," You pause him, "So when did you guys hook up the second time?" His eyes look up to the ceiling as though the answer was written on it, "Sometime around the end of August, just a few weeks before school started." The twinge of jealousy that bubbled in your stomach was undeniable but you had no right to be jealous. He literally had no idea you existed at the time.

"And she kept calling your phone all the way until Thanksgiving?" you say with a weird tone, unsure how Jungkook would've let her continue to bother him for so long. Almost with shame he nods,

"I kept saying I would get around to cutting her off once and for all, but I went to a pretty dark place, y'know how life can get sometimes. I didn't care much for anything at all, but when I saw what it had done to us," he gestures between the two of you, "I realized my negligence was driving away people that were important to me, and I didn't want to lose you. So I had ended things with her once and for all shortly after new years. Y'know, wanting to start off the year fresh and shit like that."

You swallow, "I had no idea, you were going through such a hard time." You say almost sadly but maintain the soft smile on your face. A similar one creeping onto his face, "Well then that's good. Means the antidepressants are doing their job." He chuckles and you didn't know whether to laugh along or be concerned.

"It's okay Y/n, you can laugh." You smile, "I-I just don't know what to say. All this time I was thinking I was some kind of home-wrecker or that you were seeing someone else, but to hear you explain what was actually going on makes me feel like such an idiot."

Jungkook scoffs jokingly, "Homewrecker? If Ryan's mother was still in the picture, a 'homewrecker' would be exactly what I would need, and a bullet to the head if I'm being honest." he shakes his head, remembering what he describes as the worst time in his life. Your hand boldly clasps over your mouth stifling a laugh at his dramatic expression.

He laughs, "I'm serious, though." His smile fades, "Those are seven years I can never get back." You flinch at the number, that's almost a decade. Calculations begin to roll around your head autonomously. "So-" You begin to say but he already knew where you were going with this.

"We met at 15, had Ryan at 21 unexpectedly, but no regrets of course, and broke up at 22, thank god." Releasing a calming breath of air as he says that last part, clearly they didn't end on good terms if he feels so at peace every time he mentions her absence.

"But that's enough about me for the day. How's your apartment? Any updates on the power?" You shake your head, digging back into your food, "Hopefully it should be fixed by tonight, I'd hate to over stay my welcome." Jungkook rolls his eyes, "You know I want you here more than anything, and I'm not letting you go back to your place until things are up and running again."

You didn't bother fighting him on it, you knew it would be you fighting a losing battle so you let him have it.

It would be a lie to say that you didn't enjoy your lazy Saturday with Jungkook, the two of you lounged around the house talking the day away. You watched breaking bad and kept saying that you had to stop to do some schedule planning for the kids but you couldn't seem to leave the couch, or his arms. "Just one more episode" becoming a meaningless statement.

He was seriously invested in your stories from your travels in Europe over the summer, expressing how he dreams to visit one day.

Time seemed to have zoomed for the next 3 hours, now bringing you to a dark sky and the crackling fireplace keeping you warm as you played a childish round of truth or drink.

The two of you sat comfortably on the carpet with the game cards stacked neatly on the coffee table which was also responsible for holding your shot glasses.

Your chest was already warm from the consequences of three passed questions while Jungkook only had passed two.

"Your turn," your voice bubbly and excited as you pick up the card for Jungkook, flipping it over to ask him. "What's something you've never told anyone?" He sits there, and you can see he really thinks about it. Glancing back and forth between the shot glass and the card in your hand.

"I'm a millionaire." He says it so casually, with a bit of booze in your brain you begin to die of laughter. "Yeah, me too." You snicker, slwoly beginning to quiet down as you realize he wasn't laughing with you.

"Oh my god, are you being serious?" He shrugs, "I guess so. Remember when I said I was going through a lot of shit a year ago? Well part of that stems from me getting some cryptic ass letter that basically announced the death of some rich guy who claimed to be my biological father and left me his inheritance."

You sit there quietly, "I showed my parents the letter as a gag, expecting to get a good laugh out of it and that turned out to be one of the most depressing conversations I'd ever endured." Jungkook honestly wasn't sure why he was telling you all this, he'd told you things today he never thought he'd share with anyone but there was something that let him feel like he could be open with you.

"So you're telling me, you found out you were adopted and suddenly a millionaire on the same day." A slow nodding of his head was all it took for you to see he clearly wasn't thrilled about it. "I still haven't touched the money, really. Although I did use it to cover my parents' mortgage for the next few years. I don't really know what to do with the rest of it."

A small hum escapes your throat as you ponder, "If you ever feel like it's a burden to you, don't hesitate to just pass it on to me. It'll be hard but I'm sure I could think of something to do with it." His head falls back as his body shakes slightly with his laughter, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Your turn," He says, hands reaching to flip over a card as he reads it out to you. "How many people have you slept with?" He makes a certain face at the card as if he was displeased. "This is a bit invasive, do you want me to pick up another one?" You shrug, "I don't mind answering. It's one."

"Like one this year?" It slips out before he can catch it, and he regrets it, you can tell. "No. Just one person, ever. My ex. I'm not really one to have any sexcapades. I have a rule." You're sure if he had bunny ears, one would flop up in curiosity. "Oh?"

"I never go all the way with someone until at least six months of dating them so I can see that they're all in for the right reasons. hence why only one has made it so far. Everyone else usually thinks they can like persuade me three months in." Suddenly your throat felt like it was lined with sandpaper. "Is that a deal breaker for you?" Intently you watched the way he played with the ring hooped in his bottom lip with a serious expression.

"Are you saying we're dating, Y/n?" A teasing smirk spreads across his lips. You look away, unable to handle the intensity of his gaze on your from a mere foot away. "If that's okay with you-" A gentle hand cups your jaw as he turns you to face him, taking your breath away with a sweet kiss. His lips were as soft as you remembered them to be.

You could feel a certain shift in the kiss, turning from gentle and sweet to something a little deeper. It were as though there were magnets between your bodies, you found yourselves impossibly close to the point Jungkook forced himself to pull away from you, only to welcome you to straddle his hips.

"I'm okay with that." he grins before resuming his passionate attack on your lips.

2:04am

Your glasses were on and your hair was up, that was a sign that it was time for you to finally go to sleep yet here you were. Sitting up at the table with a stack of files you'd brought from your place that you needed to go through.

The border around your eyes were tinted red as you strained to stay up and finish, but you weren't even close.

"You're still up?" Jungkook says softly as he comes down in nothing but his black sweatpants. "I could ask you the same thing." Hardly sparing him a glance as you write down numbers onto the papers.

"You know I don't sleep much ever since I got my prescription. I can get 3-4 hours at night if I'm lucky." You frown, finally looking up at him, proud of yourself for not letting your jaw hit the floor as you patrolled him as he went to fill a glass of water from the fridge.

You knew he had a sleeve of tattoos, it was one of the first things you'd noticed about him, but you had no idea his back had its own art as well. The sleeve of tattoos that creeped over the back of his shoulder as it morphed into the most beautiful pair of inked angel wings that spread out across the expanse of his upper back.

You swallowed, shaking away your filthy thoughts. "What's got you up so late?" He leans over you to get a glimpse at the papers. "Regulatory compliances." It was so cute when he was confused. "Basically I have to cross reference the curriculum with our lesson plans and report that everything we're doing is aligned with the boards' outline." It dawns on him in the form of a soft 'ah'.

"When does this have to be done by?"

"Wednesday," It comes out with a rough tone and exhausted groan, you were clearly stressed. "Okay, Y/n, it's only Sunday. How about you put a pin in it and get some rest, hm?" Warm hands are placed on your shoulders and you nearly fall asleep right there but you shake your head, "I'm fine, I can keep going-" You yawn for what must be the 4th time since Jungkook came down.

"Okay, That's it. Come on, we're going to bed." He closes your files and takes your hand, letting you hop out of the chair and follow him up the steps debatably against your will as you're sure you would've given up no longer than 15 minutes later.

The moment your head hit the pillow, you were out like a light. Jungkook chuckles to himself softly at the thought that you truly tried to argue that you weren't tired.

He slips in beside you, loving the way your body naturally detected him and began to roll over towards him just like you did the night before, slotting yourself into his side. Once again, your warmth and the soft feeling of your heartbeat on his ribcage mixing together, prompting his brain to release enough melatonin until his eyes closed.

"Good news." Is the first thing you say as you walk into the living room at 2pm after your well needed shower. "The power is working again at my place," Jungkook pouts at what he took as bad news, he was not-so-secretly hoping you would be staying a little longer.

"Don't look so sad, you see me literally every day." the dimple in your right cheek making a brief appearance as you smiled, making your way over to him on the couch.

"I know, but I really like having you here." You poke his cheeks that puffed up with his sad expression. "If you want to see me a little longer, then would you be okay with giving me a ride back to my place?"

He scoffs, "It's funny you thought I wasn't going to drop you off in the first place." he leans forward to drop a quick peck to your lips catching you off guard before bouncing up out of his spot, hardly giving you a chance to process.

The two of you making comfortable conversation with small giggles as you begin to put your jackets on, preparing to return you back to your apartment. Tugging your hat on with a firm pull before you picked up your bag and declared that you were ready to go.

Jungkook opened the door, stepping out with you closely behind him. Not sure if your eyes were blinded by the gleaming light that was reflected off the snow or the bright flashes of light emitted from the dozens of paparazzi camped outside the driveway.

Jungkook's name was shouted from various different people as they waved to get his attention as if being outside his front door wasn't alarming enough. Jungkook's face had been covered in disbelief just like yours, but differently he was able to shake it off and maintain his composure.

Taking your hand in a reassuring manner, he continued his path down the steps, whispering to you to keep your head down as you followed behind him. "Is it true that you're the secret son of the late business tycoon Jeon Jaehoon?" The woman holds a microphone to Jungkook, looking for an answer, and she most certainly got one.

"How about you ask me again when I make sure you're all behind bars for trespassing and harassment hm? How does that sound?" The flashes finally stop and some photographers begin to leave, Jungkook doesn't even wait for them all to leave, trusting that he got his point across clearly and makes his way to the drivers seat.

Once the doors closed it was as though you'd trapped in a foot deep layer or tension within it. Jungkook's chest rises slowly, flared nostrils and tensed brows before a slow and agitated exhaled. "It wasn't you right?" He asks.

Your posture straightens as you face him.

"What?"

"Tell me that it's all just a coincidence, Y/n. I tell you about the inheritance last night and suddenly there's paparazzi buzzing outside my house today?" Your head juts back, offended. "Are you implying that I told someone what you told me in confidence last night? Are you being serious right now?"

"I'm paranoid, okay? I'm sorry."

You sigh. As pissed as you wanted to be, you had to see it from his perspective. A swarm of paparazzi showing up less than than 24 hours after he shares the information with the first person outside his family doesn't exactly work in your favour.

"It's fine, I get it. I'd be paranoid too." He starts the car, leaving his now vacated lot behind. "Then who would do this?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

The following day was as hectic as any other day but you loved your job. Working with such big personalities that were bursting out their small bodies.

But you did love the end of the day too, sayin goodbye and mentally preparing for some relaxation when you finally got home. All day you'd be fantasizing about drawing a nice warm bath with eucalyptus and lavender oils.

You thought of it as the perfect way to wind down after a long day. Although seeing Jungkook's face for a few minutes while he picked up Ryan.

"I'm here to pick up my son." You turn around with a smile, to the new and unfamiliar face. She was tall with dark long locks that were curled at the ends, her heels were high and her face was looked like it belonged billboards and magazines.

You were a bit confused, you'd never seen her before, and you're sure you'd remember someone that brought in such a domineering aura the way she did.

"Sure, if you don't mind me asking who you are." You wanted to remain as polite as possible not wanting to offend her.

"I'm Ryan's mother."

Tags; @talyaaas-blog, @chaconnelatte, @tokkiggukie, @skzthinker, @fangirls94, @xumyboo, @sugakookie132, @katsels, @appleh4ad, @cassies-cookies, @cassies-cookies, @bangtans-momma, @kissyfacekoo, @coralmusicblaze, @busanbby-jjk, @hrndez2008, @looneybleus, @gimeow, @jungkookslittlecarrothoe, @aiselle90210, @jungkookieeee97, @aloverga, @lovelytaes-blog. @itstiredteenager0207, @keiarajm, @junecat18, @nellyboosworld, @imaginethatblog, @gyukookswhore, @chxnb97, @jeodoll, @parkinglot-nights, @jjk97091, @rahullhere, @chaewonsrealgf, @thehxoe, @lpgirl2324, @coconchanel, @minaamhh .

#jungkook smut #jungkook #bts #jungkook fic recs #jungkook ff #bts jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook x reader #bts one shot #btssmuts #jungkook fanfic #bts smut #bts jung jungkook #fluff #bts romance

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pleaseeeimjustagirl · 4 months

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♡Weekly Chronicles♡

Hey babes! I've missed you guysss I am so happy I had an amazing trip it was so nice. I went to a convention in Maryland for 5 days it was so nice. I definitely left with a lot of knowledge so many amazing people spoke at the lectures<3 and I'm sorry I missed the weekly affirmations for this week.

♡Education♡

I applied for all my classes for next semester before my trip. I’m low-key excited about the classes I have coming up. Lot of different courses since I'm almost done with my major required classes now I need to fill the rest of my credits with electives. I have an art class next semester just for fun. I can't wait to meet the people in my classes. I have to take this math class I am not excited for at all I hate math lol so every time I update you girliesss on this class I'll probably be complaining lol.

♡Mental♡

Interacting with different people this past week has been very good for me mentally. It brought me back to pre-quarantine Khadija who was such a big extrovert. After covid, I started to have mild social anxiety so this was needed. I dealt with a little insecurities while on my trip interacting with so many beautiful women I started to doubt my looks comparison is the thief of joy, I practiced a lot of the methods my therapist recommended like canceling one negative thought with two positive thoughts. I realized I was all in my head for no reason. I love watching Leo Skepi when I am feeling this way he always gets me together. I highly recommend him if you are dealing with a lack of discipline, self-confidence, or just need someone to get you together with tough love he is that guyyy. Side noteee I missed my antidepressant dose twice in a row because of traveling back to New York and it low-key made me hazy like it was super weird but I took it today.

♡Physical♡

While I was away I ate super bad! The event was an African-focused event so the food there wasn’t healthy at all. I was going to stick to my diet while on my trip but I decided I'm on a trip let me relax and I don't regret it at all. But I am seeing the consequences of my food choices now I am soooo bloated lol. So I am starting a cleanse tomorrow for the next 14 days I already prepped my ginger shot for the morning I want to flush my system out completely going into the new year. I don't recommend cleanses especially to my babes that have dealt with ED’s always consult your doctors before starting anything. I just do what works for me.

♡Hobbies♡

Now that I am back I can get back to being consistent with my Italian, pilates, and weight lifting. I was so sad I could not lift I feel like I'm low-key obsessed with lifting lol it feels so good and I've been seeing results, especially in my lower body. While I was gone I didn't have any time to do my hobbies they had us in lectures and events constantly. I practiced my Italian once which I'm happy about. I plan on starting jewelry making next week I'm super excited it was one of my favorite hobbies when I was in middle school. I used to make earrings and bracelets.

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

My birthday is Sunday, December 31st! I am turning 21 yay! I am super excited I don't have anything planned for my birthday. I am going to have a mini celebration with my family and watch the ball drop my siblings bought me presents so I'm excited to open everything. I'm starting my cleanse so I'll be working out and taking good care of my body internally and externally so I'll be off social media this weekend and focused on my mental and physical health. I plan on creating my vision board and listing my goals this year. My dad is ordering my camera I used to have a YouTube channel but I took a break to work on my self-improvement journey I do plan on getting back on my YouTube grind soon lol so look out for that coming out in 2024!

This week's little journal entrieee a lot happened this week and I'm excited to see what this new year brings babesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?

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raynecos · 1 month

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Sour Wine (Skk)

Authors Note: Hi hi, so you may have noticed tiny inconsistencies or just that my writing was a bit dry in the first part of this fic, but alongside me being a bit rusty THAT WAS INTENTIONAL due to Chuuya's state of mind, i'll do my best to make it all fit together well as the entirety of the story comes together! -Rayne

Credits to my wonderful boyfriend for the plot of this fic <3

TWs: Suicide, Pills

Part One: Empty Bottles, Part Two: Coffees Only As Bitter As You Let It Be

Dazai

Fading sunlight crept through the window, casting a dark yellow filter across the room. Dazai’s eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light, looking around the room cautiously as if searching for someone. Sitting up, the view of his surroundings became more clear, glancing across the space he’d cleaned up just the night before. A random burst of energy giving him the motivation to get the dirty laundry off the tan colored floors and wipe the dust off every surface. Well not every one, it seems he’d missed the windowsill, but he couldn’t care less. Reaching over to grab a water bottle he’d left next to the ratty mattress on the floor he slept in, he knocks over a few pill bottles. One pops open and several antidepressants spill out, “Fuck”. Pulling his hand back and taking a drink of the water he retrieved, he takes a moment to think. Todays the day It’d been three years of hiding, one more and he’d be clear, but Dazai was so incredibly sick of sitting around drowning in his own regrets. He wasn’t doing anything productive with his life, and he couldn’t undo what harm he’d already done. So why do nothing for another fucking year? He was either going to fuck up what he was trying to do with the past three years, or he was going to die. Honestly he didn’t care what the outcome was, he just needed something to change. He got up and got dressed as soon as he’d woken up enough to, his white button up and black vest both being about the same as he’d usually wear, but cream colored pants rather than matching the vest's dark appearance. When he’d left the mafia he’d decided to dress brighter, that’s the best way to describe it really, throwing on a light brown jacket was enough for him to decide he was ready for the day. He stood in front of his white framed mirror, adjusting strands of his hair until he looked exactly how he wanted, not that his looks really mattered, not today anyways. He had no intention of trying to meet anybody, he wasn’t going to settle for any man that easily. His eyes drifted from examining his hair to the photo taped to the corner of his mirror. One he’d had Akutagawa take, him stealing Chuuya’s hat. He wanted to capture a memory of them together, and he’d definitely done it, but every now and then he’d find himself regretting the decision. He snapped his eyes back up to his own reflection, deciding he was satisfied and quickly turning to walk out the door, pocketing his phone on his way out.

Dazai sat down in the same spot as always, the corner of a small cafe, surrounded by fake vines and CDs hung up on the wall. He despised coffee, but drank it anyway. Nearly every day he came here, and nearly every day he ordered the same thing. Black coffee, no sugar, no milk, just plain old black coffee. It stung everytime he took a sip, maybe it was a form of punishment for what he left behind, or maybe he was just trying to convince himself to like it, everyone else did, so why didn’t he? There are a multitude of questions only Dazai could answer, but at the same time he couldn’t. Really it could’ve been that there wasn’t anyone to stop him from drinking the horrendous, dark, bitter liquid. The cafe was quiet, it was evening after all, how many people do you know that’d go buy coffee at 7 pm? If you knew Dazai then you can add one person to that count, that’s for sure. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, searching for the number he hadn’t called in years. Would it still work? Who knows, it’s entirely possible it got exchanged for a new one the same as he’d done with his own when he’d run from the mafia. But it’s not like you know unless you try, and he was willing to try. Found it. His finger hovered over the call button, hesitant, but he’d made this plan a week ago, he knew he had to go through with it. He closed his eyes and pressed down, opening them when he felt the soft buzzing in his hand, “What do you want?” came the voice of a certain ginger on the other end. Dazai froze, he didn’t change his number, he opened his mouth but the words he wanted to say just wouldn’t come out. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t run back into his former best friend's arms after three years of not even knowing if he was still alive. Chuuya probably hated him more than anything, it wasn’t worth it. “Shit” Dazai said as he quickly hung up, dropping his phone on the floor under him and cupping his mouth with his hands, ‘I’m a fucking idiot, fuck, fuck why’d i think that could ever work.’ his mind was racing, all his thoughts screaming different things and the voices were getting louder, oh god what if Chuuya realized it was him, what if he’d report it to Mori, what if he just lost any chance he had at ever telling hi- “Sir are you alright?” Dazai’s head shot up to look at the waitress in front of him, who’d clearly caught onto his distress. Putting on a fake smile, and making an attempt to brighten his eyes he responded “Oh yes i'm okay, no worries, thank you!” “Alright then, by the way your cell phone seems to have fallen on the ground.” “Oh thank you for telling me, I'll grab it.” He leans down to pick it up and slip it back into his pocket, and once he looks up again, she’s gone. ‘Plan B then, shit’

It was basically nighttime at this point, Dazai walked along the sidewalk as a few cars occasionally rolled by, the sunset was beautiful and he couldn’t help but stop for a few moments to admire it. A few stores lined the path to his right, as he came up to the front of a liquor store he used to visit frequently on Chuuya’s behalf, he turned and crossed the street not so carefully. As he reached the other end he walked up the stone surface of the bridge crossing the stunning Yokohama river. The water sparkling below him as he reached the middle and stood at the edge, not yet moving off, just taking in the view ahead of him. A painful buzzing noise in his head grew louder and louder as his thoughts began to race, starting to second guess his decision, wondering if he should really follow through. ‘Shut up, shut up.’ but they wouldn’t, there was only one way out of the hell he’d created for himself, and only he could take that initiative. He held his breath, and lifted his foot over the barrier, exhaling as he felt himself drop.

#bungo stray dogs #bsd #soukoku #chuuya #chuuya nakahara #dazai #dazai osamu #skk #skk angst #soukoku angst #fanfic #fanfiction #bsd angst #bsd fanfic #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs fanfic

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georgies-ftts · 1 month

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my thoughts and opinions on this weeks episode as someone who didn’t have time to watch last weeks episode, has never watched live american telly before and has discovered a new found hatred for your adverts. Also i swear a lot.

let’s begin

(spoilers obviously don’t be a knob)

1. he cannae be captain he’s only got two stripes on his epilette why are we focusing so much on this man

2. Bobby eyeing up that gun I like that (the acting)

3. this guy is giving me uncanny valley and i don’t like it

4. hehe dongle

5. i mean fair enough… in and out just like he said

6. Hen love of my life where the hell have you been loca

7. “and you won’t be anymore either” that’s actually dead funny to me

8. husbands that saw together survive trauma together <3

9. “everyone survived” i know foreshadowing when i see it

10. there’s a lot of drunk driver hatred (as deserved) somethings gonna occurr

11. oh he’s dead… lol karma fuckhead

12. Hen, i love you but why can noone on telly give me actual realistic CPR… break them ribs girl

13. christ these american adverts are weird

14. let me tell you advertising prescription medicine isn’t actually a normal thing to do

15. I don’t know boss man am no a dr but that’s an awful lot of blood are you sure you should still be breathing????

16. “Are you happy” “Yeah, Yeah I am” i have a feeling that’s all about to change buddy

17. just me or can anyone else not see a fucking thing that’s going on this episode why’s everyone in the dark for?

18. moving on from that i love the lighting in the office scene… chefs kiss

19. EXCUSE ME SHE WAS DOING HER JOB, NEXT YOU’LL SUSPEND HER FOR CODLING THE DRUNK DRIVER AND GIVING HIM TEA AND CHEEK KISSES PISS OFFFFF

20. Why do American comm’s systems always fail whenever you actually need them

21. They were axed to pieces. I will let you off -_- this time…

22. “I didn’t shoot him” honestly… same i hope you get yer pay out boss

23. Athena please for the love of god pop a paracetamol or a codeine and chill the fuck out

24. cause it has never been hard enough for them you just had to add a bastard bomb

25. ITS BEEN 5 MINUTES WHY MORE ADVERTS

26. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ADVERTISING TO YOUR CITIZENS

27. The Rookie ad i love it carry on

28. If he wasn’t under the influence then he was just being a cunt and hen had every right to react as such thankyou very much

29. Oh my fuck what is happening - don’t tear them apart i’ll start crying

30. Bitch you’re taking on water stop being a pussy and help

31. “Don’t test me.” Queen, you rag his arse

32. “port stabilisers are gone” surely you should be tilting like a bitch right now or did i miss a frame

33. MORE FUCKING ADVERTS????

34. why’s that lizard from london?

35. WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING DEMENTIA MEDICATION THAT IS LITERALLY ADVERTISED ALSO AS A DEATH PILL WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMA AND DEATH THATS NOT HELPING

36. “i didn’t save him either” he quite literally refused your help despite being detained

37. didn’t get that SS Menow reference… try the Mayflower next time

38. “Saving the ship” “course she is” GIVE THEM ONE MOMENT OF PEACE PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU

39. okay good they are tilting like a bitch i will shut my mouth

40. NO STOP TILTING LIKE A BITCH I DONT CARE ABOUT REALISM I TAKE IT BACK NO

41. HOW MANY MORE ADVERTS DO YOU NEED

42. i don’t know but all your meds just seem to be doing the opposite of.. you know… keeping you alive.

43. woah therapy flash back get me one of those

44. you forgot to mention imminent death in your therapy session Mr Sir

45. “We did what we had to do” YOU’RE ALLOWED TO LIVE TOO.

46. “I couldn’t save my first family and I can’t save you either” and what if that was my last straw Robert Nash

47. ABC you can tone down the writing now i’m fucking sobbing

48. FUCK YOU AUSTRALIAN MAN I WAS CRYING MY EYES OUT

49. glad the us also have those Haribo ads

50. first time in my almost 20 years of life where i’ve seen an ADVERT for ANTIDEPRESSANTS that also actively make you MORE DEPRESSED

51. Hen i knew you were slaying you’ve never not slayed <3

52. no need for it was there mr boss man? no didn’t think so

53. You have no jurisdiction past the Gulf of Mexico??? ummmm??? distressed cruise ship full of your citizens???? idk??? do something????

54. oh. welp. no surviving that one, have fun with poseidon my loves

55. i don’t know about you but once i’ve been capsized like that in anything bigger than a kayak im giving up…

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sasusakucoded · 6 months

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Sasuke: *shows the map* So, instead of this regular path, we will take this instead. *points at the route traversing the forest*

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, can we stop by here? *points at the nearest village*

Sasuke: I don't think so, Sakura. Our mission will be delayed if we enter any of the villages.

Sakura: I see..

Sasuke: Do you need anything from that village?

Sakura: N-No.. I agree, we must take the fastest route.

Sasuke: Okay.

It was a lie. Sakura needed to go to a village with good medical supplies to re-stock her meds. At that time, she was taking Zoloft, a drug used to treat panic attacks, OCD, PTSD, depression, etc. Konoha didn't have any mental health professional during those years, so she and other shinobis who suffered from anxiety and mild depression went to a psychiatrist from another village. Sasuke's absence and their unclear situation before his return were the main causes of her mild depression. The pressure from work to be the best in her field at a young age added to her daily anxiety.

They started their journey again, going faster than before to meet their target date.

Sakura: /thinks/ It's okay, Sakura. One to three days of missing your meds shouldn't be a problem. Besides, you plan to stop taking it permanently right? Just keep going and try to forget it.

Sasuke: Let's take a break?

Sakura: Huh?

Sasuke: I said let's stop and take a break..

Sakura: S-Sure. *keeps going*

Sasuke: *halts* Sakura!

Sakura: *looks back and stops* Oh! S-Sorry.. I didn't hear you.

Sasuke: *goes to her* We have enough shade here. It's a good location.

Sakura: Yeah.

---

Sasuke kept on looking at Sakura because he felt something was different. They had been together for 3 weeks now but this was the first time that she was very quiet.

Sakura: Aw! *touches her head*

Sasuke: Are you okay? What happened?

Sakura: It's.. It's normal, Sasuke-kun.. Brain zap.

Sasuke: Brain zap?

Sakura: *nods* Don't mind me. *fake smiles*

Sasuke: Are we good to go?

Sakura: Yes.

Sasuke: Just tell me when you're tired, okay?

Sakura: Yeah..

They continued running and Sakura felt like she was going to vomit.

Sakura: *stops and coughs while holding her chest*

Sasuke: Sakura! *goes back* Sakura! Hey.. *rubs her back* Do you want water? Maybe we went too early.. You probably haven't digested your food yet.

Sakura: No— It's my— It's my— *coughs and tries to puke but nothing comes out*

Sasuke: Sit down, Sakura. Don't force yourself.

Sakura: No, I'm fine.. Let's keep running. I don't want to delay this..

Sasuke: No, we're not going until you're okay—

Sakura: I won't be okay.. So, let's just continue..

Sasuke: Hey.. *holds her face* What's happening? Please tell me.. I— I want to help.

Sakura: I'm sorry.. I didn't want to be a burden—

Sasuke: You're not. You're.. You're more important than this mission..

Sakura: Sasuke-kun! *starts sobbing*

Sasuke: If you don't want to tell me, it's okay I—

Sakura: I skipped my meds.. I have no meds left.

Sasuke: Meds? *checks his bag* What do you need?

Sakura: *stops him* You don't have them.. They're antidepressants.

Sasuke didn't know that Sakura was suffering from depression. Her happy disposition made him think otherwise.

Sasuke: I'm sorry.. I didn't know you're going through things..

Sakura: It's dumb.. I was worried of the littlest things.. I was worried you were not coming back.. I was scared I won't be as good as Lady Tsunade.. So, I went to a psychiatrist outside The Leaf to seek help. She gave me meds..

Sasuke: Is that the reason why you wanted to stop by a village? You should've told me, Sakura.. Tsk, it's my fault—

Sakura: No.. I thought I'll be fine.. I started taking those meds a week before you came back. I was supposed to withdraw from it but the psychiatrist said it will take me 2 months to see its benefits.

Sasuke: Do you feel better when you take them?

Sakura: Yeah. But I also feel the side effects.. Like right now, the brain zaps I'm getting is crazy. I'm nauseous and my heart is beating so fast.. There's a jarring pain in my head.. I don't know how to make them stop..

Sasuke: *takes out his map* Should we go to the nearest village?

Sakura: They don't have mental clinics there, so I doubt they have available meds.. It's okay, Sasuke-kun—

Sasuke: It's not. You're not well, Sakura. Y-You're different.. I know something is wrong..

Sakura: I told you it's— *palpitates*

Sasuke: Sakura! Sakura!

Sasuke panicked. He didn't know what to do so he just hugged her. He realized how her body was shaking really badly. He stared into her eyes and noticed how lifeless they looked. It worried him so much.

Sakura: I.. I can't.. Breathe. *faints*

Sasuke: Sakura! Sakura!

Sasuke took her to the nearest cave and immediately sent a hawk to Tsunade, Kabuto, and Orochimaru. He received their replies within 2 hours, which frustrated Sasuke because it was too long for him.

Sasuke: Sakura.. Sakura.. You have to eat before you take your meds.

Sakura: *tries to open her eyes* But I don't have—

Sasuke: I wrote a note to the 5th Hokage and she was able to send us some pills. *shows her* Is this correct? Zoloft?

Sakura: Yes! Oh my..

Sasuke: Okay, you have to eat first.. I prepared some sort of tomato soup. Sorry, I know you don't like it—

Sakura: I'll eat it.. I'll eat anything you made..

Sasuke: Okay.. *feeds her* By the way, she has a personal note for you.. *gives a closed mini envelope*

Sakura: *takes out the note and reads it*

Dear Sakura,

Sorry if it took me time to send the pills. You know we don't have them in Konoha, so I had to ask from another place.

I've talked to the psychiatrist. You should still take them until you reach the 2nd month. From there you can stop taking them if you can. I know you're feeling better nowadays with Sasuke by your side. You should know that there's a condition called Serotonin Syndrome. If you're already happy, that means your serotonin levels are high. Which also means you don't need to take meds anymore. Too much serotonin is harmful too.

Once you're available, visit your psychiatrist to make sure that your brain chemicals are balanced. That's all my dear. I hope you'll be okay soon.

Sincerely,

Tsunade

Sasuke: *sees her smiling* Another spoonful, Sakura?

Sakura: *nods*

Sasuke: After this, rest for a bit.. Then when you're ready I'll massage your back.

Sakura: Massage?

Sasuke: Yeah. Orochimaru said it's good for blood flow..

Sakura: Orochimaru? You also wrote to him?

Sasuke: Yes.. And to Kabuto too.. *gives her one pill and a glass of water* Here, Sakura..

Sakura: *takes it* Thanks, Sasuke-kun.. I.. I didn't know you'll understand my situation.. Of all people.. You see.. I've told this to my parents.. They said I'm strong and it's nothing.. Like, I've fought wars.. So, it must be nothing. I tried telling Ino too.. She thought I was joking..

Sasuke: Sakura..

Sakura: I'm just genuinely happy that you understand this. *smiles softly*

Sasuke: Sakura.. Our brain is a major organ.. Just like our heart or our kidney or our liver, our brain can become sick too. And those people who suffer from heart illnesses, you don't tell them it's nothing. You know it's something serious.

Sakura: Sasuke-kun!

Sasuke: I couldn't tell whether I got depressed before, but I know the feeling of extreme loneliness..

Sakura: *smiles* Sasuke-kun..

Sasuke: It was worse than any physical illness.. I couldn't function correctly.. So, I kind of know how you are feeling..

Sakura: *nods*

Sasuke: Ah, Kabuto suggested to play some music to make your brain a bit relaxed.. I chose a song when you were sleeping.. *plays it*

Sakura: *listens* Nothing's really wrong yet.. Nothing's really wrong yet.. Yeah.. That's correct.

Sasuke: Do you like it?

Sakura: Yes!

Sasuke: Okay. Rest here for a bit. I'll get some wood. When I get back, I'll massage your back.

Sakura: Okay.. Um.. Sasuke-kun!

Sasuke: Hm?

Sakura: Thank you..

#Spotify #sasusaku #sasusaku headcanon #blank period #from ask #ty anon #sscoded no 258

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ephemeral-darkness · 10 months

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hi!!!! my beloved mutual what korekiyo ships do you like if any?

please go full brainrot mode i would love to hear it

Hihi Hello!!!!

>:)

So Amaguji has my soul as always. Just there is so much to explore (not totally because Rantaro has like an hour screentime and I can make shit up at all) and I love them together. Silly little green boys!!! I think they would travel together and read books and just generally be happy in each other's company. They are also just so fun to write (a not so shameless plug of my fics)!!! I think Rantaro's relaxed demeanour with a fucked up sense of humour would intrigue Kiyo a lot. Also I should state that it doesn't even have to be romantic, I just love seeing those two together!!!

(If any of that made sense???)

Gontaguji as a QPR!! My boyfriend suggested this one a while back and hooo boy did I fall into a rabbithole. (Well, a rabbithole in my mind because I haven't found any fics?) I think they would gel because of their interests!! Even if Kiyo talked about eating bugs a separate 3 times, I think he holds a deep respect for them (after all, they are intertwined with human culture in many many instances.) I also think Gonta would like hearing these stories because they involve his interests too. Not only that, but I think they would so comfortably share each other's space- after a while, they would just truly understand each other.

(Optional adding in Ryoma for the chaos because I have seen so much Kiyo/Ryoma/Gonta art and its always so funny. Kiyo and Ryoma deserve their antidepressant [Gonta])

OH!!! I also like the idea of him and Kirumi being friends. (I'm veering from ship territory now but shh let me have my Brotps XD) They are so similar in their interests of the Victorian era (albeit different reasons) so I think they would mainly just infodump at each other when they are more comfortable. Ofc Kiyo would do that at the drop of a hat but I think it would take Kirumi a little longer to drop her façade of complete calm and just go apeshit about her interests. Also in my non-despair AU, they both frequent their local goth club so they have that too.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: Shinsai (love this, obligatory), Shinouma (ship-in-law, really fun dynamic, and quite fun to write)

#Thank you for your question!!!!!#Idk how much sense this makes I have just woken up lmao #Amaguji #Gontaguji #Shinsai #Shinouma #My AO3 is the same as my Tumblr so if you wanna reaaaad...#No pressure of course lmao

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aleksa-sims · 4 months

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RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: mental illness, panic attacks

This is Dr. M., my Therapist. You have met her once before in my story. She helped me to control my panic attacks and practiced daily with me relaxation techniques. This really helped me after a while.

But now it was time for me, to use Dr M.’s help again. This time, it wasn’t panic attacks. It was rather.... stress & anxiety, that made my everyday life tough. I was afraid to leave the house alone.

Two days ago, I was already here. She prescribed me drugs, antidepressants, that I can continue to take during pregnancy. Weeks before, I attended those therapeutic group sessions she led. I haven’t been there often, but she asked me about Daniel there. She saw I wasn't well. And that's exactly the topic she first discussed with me today. She wanted to get an idea of my current situation and she was also worried about Daniel. She thought Daniel was going through something similar to me. Just he did not have panic attacks, but she was sure, he also struggled to process this thing .The attack on the two of us and the consequences of it. However, I also told her everything that had happened since Daniel left. Drugs, Adam & Ana, including N. & me.

Dr. M.: I'm glad you got confidence in me. I remember well how.... difficult certain topics for you were to address. That guy Adam, how do you handle what happened between you and him?

Me: Actually, nothing happened. And I don’t think he really wanted to hurt me. He had other intentions. It was about my sister.

Dr. M.: I see it a little differently. No matter what his intentions were or what his motive was, what he did is definitely wrong.

Me: Yes, I agree! It was wrong and made me angry. But-... ugh, I don't want to discuss about that. I get a headache from this subject.... No joke, my brain hurts rn.

Dr. M.: Here, a glass of water. You need to stay hydrated..... Better?....Fine. Explain please. What made you so angry about Adam?

Me: Um... what he did! To me.... Why does this keep happening to me?? 😫 It makes me so sick!😡 ... Agh, anyway. Pls let's change the topic.

Dr. M.: It's okay. But you did well! You finally showed me your anger and let it out... Oh, but you didn’t have a panic attack after that, right?

Me: No! I had sex 3 weeks later and well, I’m pregnant. Looks like sex isn’t a prob for me anymore.🤷‍♀️But even before that, it worked quite well between Daniel & me as far as this is concerned. You were right! Daniel wasn’t the trigger for my panic.

Dr. M.: He felt so awful about that. He blamed himself. But I’m glad this at least went well for you two.

Me: I was dreaming about him.... Again. It felt so real... I still feel like he was really with me last night. I was in our apartment. I felt like we were still together. I cleaned up, did our laundry and at night, he really came to me in my dreams... I just want to know where he is?.. Why did he leave me? And if he comes back?

Dr. M.: Let’s say Daniel comes back. What could your life together look like? Some things have changed. You are pregnant and Daniel’s situation or condition may have changed too? Could you imagine continuing your marriage with him?

Me: For him, I would try. I would also forgive him, no matter what he did. But how can I be sure he won’t leave me again?

Dr. M.: Exactly!..... You also have to be aware that you are pregnant. But do you think Daniel would be able to help you with your Baby?

Me: Um... Idk? It's not his Baby. I'm not sure if he can deal with that? But he'd help me, I know that. However, all of this is more of a wishful thinking of mine and not reality. So... I’m going to file for divorce tomorrow.

Dr. M.: That sounds reasonable. You should definitely do this step, for yourself! One of you two has to take the first step towards enlightenment, which doesn’t mean, that it really has to come to a separation in the end. My personal opinion.... Daniel had enough time. It's time to act now!

Me: Almost 3 Months.... Nevertheless, I think I made too hasty decisions and let myself be misled by false facts.... And Nico, whenever he shows up in my life, it gets complicated.

Dr. M. : Tell me more about him. How did you feel when you saw him again after a long time?

Me:...... (Gosh!🤦‍♀️) ... Ahhmm.... yea. It was okay. Nothing special. 🤥

Dr. M.: 🤨... I can tell when you're fibbing.😉 But, let's try it this way! Ask me a personal question that interests you. If I answer, you will also answer my question about Nico.

Me: Hehe...Ok! Ahm??? Do you have kids and are you married?

Dr. M.: No, I don’t have kids, my patients are my kids. But yes, I’ve actually been married recently.

Me: OH, congratulations.

Dr. M.: Thanks! You even met him. He examined you at the clinic when we were planning to include you in the study.

Me: No! That Doc is your husband??.. Cool! He's really nice, Dr. M. Cute. 😉

Dr. M.: Thank you. I'll tell him later. He will surely be pleased about it. 😄... But now back to you, A. How was it for you to see Nico again.

Me: My cheeks felt burning hot. I was beaming & smiling all over my face. 🤦‍♀️🥰.... Agh yea, I was so happy. Even though I was totally nervous and excited, it felt like he's always with me. And I think he felt the same. He kept telling me I was pretty and... hot. But he didn’t kiss me .He.... had a fiancé. He didn’t want to cheat on her, but I think if I told him I wanted him, he wouldn’t have said no. He made hints in that direction, but I was disappointed. Agh, honestly? I knew he was in a relationship. I wasn’t quite sure, but-... yea. I got involved with him anyway. I just can’t say no to him. I wanted him and... just a day later, I got him.

Dr. M.: It is right to say it openly. Feelings of attraction feel strong. Certain factors can amplify all this, making it even more difficult to ignore those feelings. But how did you and he decide to continue?

Me: We talked a lot, especially about the past. There were some misunderstandings that Nico and I were able to resolve. The present is more the problem I think, his fiancée and of course Daniel.

Dr. M.: Would he accompany you here? Like Daniel did... I’m trying to help you. I think Nico has a strong, very strong influence on you. You told me about him before, and.....well! It would be good for you, but also for him, if you come here together. You think he’d be willing to talk to me?

Me: Rn, I'm not really sure?... But Nico has surprised me in recent weeks, in many ways... I’ll see him soon anyway. He’ll accompany me to my prenatal check-up. So yea, I'm gonna talk to him.

Dr. M.: I’m glad to hear he’s accompanying you.... Fine, A.! And please! Please take your pills regularly! Or do I really have to call you here every other day?

Me: No! Pls don't!... I’ll take care of myself, I promise.

Dr. M.: That's just what I was hoping to hear. All right! Then.... See you next week, I’d say.

Me: Sure!...Ok thanks, see you next week Dr. M.

Previous/Next

#ts4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #myrlgameplay #rl story #cw mental health #cw mental illness #cw panic attack

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compo67 · 1 year

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struggle bus

this is a mental health/chronically ill post/personal info dump

cn for suicidal ideations, bipolar disorder, depression, mental health

my therapist is on leave for a month, so in the meantime, i'm meeting with my DBT group leader for therapy once a week

the mental health struggle has been real this past month. lots of depression, anxiety, and voices that get so loud that tell me what's even the point of living

i struggle a lot with managing my bipolar disorder and depression. i struggle with getting dressed and showered most days. even the stimulants i'm on don't help as much as they used to before. i spent all day last saturday asleep or crying. i lost a whole day of working on my big bang, something really important to me, because i just couldn't wrangle my brain into functioning in a positive or healthy way

i'm hopeful about sitting with my psychiatrist this thursday and talking about switching antidepressants and maybe upping either the mood stabilizer or the anti-psychotic

i'm also hopeful that he'll be on board with one of the two treatments my other providers have recommended: keta and TMS

both are concerning to me, but they're both recommended for treatment resistant depression

i can't hardly picture what it's like not to be depressed

i know this might be weird to read, because i write such happy/romantic stuff, but it has been a continuous struggle to deal with being so depressed, especially in the past 2 years

i can't keep up writing or my patreon as much as i want to because i'm either too depressed or in too much pain and i just... feel like i let people down because of it

i have been avoiding doing really important paperwork (applying for financial hardship assistance and LTD stuff)

now it *has* to be turned in and the deadline is looming

coming back to this post a few hours later and i feel a bit better sharing this. it's important to me that i share not just the happy stuff but the other stuff that's going on too

i know i will get out of this spiral/flare. it's going to take time and effort, but i *want* to do it

it just gets really hard sometimes

especially when i'm under so much pressure from financial stress

like, i am doing my best to take my benefits and dig myself out of debt while at the same time trying to stay afloat with things like my car payment, car insurance, gas, phone bill, groceries, medical/dental premiums, medical expenses, and everything else

i am hopeful that doing some light SP work will be another income stream and lessen the pressure, but i can't depend on that until you know... i actually start. and who knows how many hours or projects i'll be offered and can physically do?

this flare up has just been awful. i've been flared up since the end of march and prednisone is not doing the trick, which means it's not inflammation, it's probably just EDS

i say just EDS like it's a cold or something when it's a genetic debilitating disorder/syndrome

i think EDS is one of my biggest struggles. it just takes so much energy to keep my joints together

sigh

i just want to be back working full-time, thriving and surviving on my own

but it's not possible at the moment

if i go back to work too soon, i'm just going to wind up in the same place i was in 2021--a big mess

i've been on and am still on the struggle bus

even if it's a struggle bus, i still want to stay on a bus

i still want to be "here"

even if some voices get really loud and try to convince me otherwise

if you made it this far reading, please know i appreciate it

you didn't have to read this but you did and therefore, i <3 you

things will get better.

#compo67 #authorial rambles #personal #mental health #mental illness #bipolar disorder #ehlers danlos syndrome

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hiroshotreplica · 9 months

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also can u infodump about ur agents

hi i will but its kind of a lot. Putting a break on this cause its long

Alister's a chill but still serious guy. He used to play turf war and ranked a ton as a kid while also working as agent 3 for the new squidbeak splatoon. His parents are missing. Cuttlefish took care of him cause of that, kinda treated him like a grandson. He almost outranked callie and marie in terms of skill before he was partially sanitized. He's a bit bad at taking care of himself. The only medication he's willing to take is his antidepressants. He loves the squid sisters and has so much merch of them, mainly from his youth. He has no fashion sense and will walk out of the house in the worst outfit you've ever seen thinking he did ok. He renamed the nss to neo squidbeak splatoon when he was promoted to captain. He loves his boyfriend josh a lot, ignore the fact they tried to kill each other in their first encounter. They live together.

Zara is cheerful and seemingly confident. But she thinks of herself as a fraud and is worried about people finding that out. She's good at her job as agent 4 and more but she focuses on her mistakes a lot. She is really good at building and using computers and the like. Her laptop is enhanced by octarian technology, she has reverse-engineered it. She prefers making friends more than splatting enemies, but knows when she needs to stop being friendly. She used to have a celebrity crush on Pearl and Marina when she was young. It didn't stick but she still loves the two. She has worked with them and still does as a social media manager. She is a lot less involved in agent work than she was as a kid due to her job + being with her girlfriend but she still loves it.

Josh is really mysterious, but still very talkative and nice. He has a lot of repressed memories. He's glad he can't remember some of them. He used to be a trainee in the octarian military. The calamari inkantation changed his life. He used to be a lot more daring and reckless, but he'll never remember. He's agent 8 of the new squidbeak splatoon. Something's wrong with him, but he's okay. He has a special interest (inkling culture) that he studies a lot. He isn't the best at socializing sometimes. He's loved alister since the two were stuck in the deepsea metro. He likes wearing most clothing, except for things that are tight. He loves loose, baggy sweaters. It took him awhile to do agent work, but he's good at it. He still can't play turf war matches with pink and teal as the ink colors without feeling dread. Ink bombs scare him a little.

Orion is a bit of a loner. He was recruited as agent 7, by his own request mainly. He's an old friend of josh, though josh doesn't remember that much, and josh seems like a completely different person. He worked in the octarian military until the domes stabilized. He mainly did it for his family, who he still visits often, no matter how awful travelling conditions are. He values connections the most despite insisting on going on missions alone often. He has a bit of an ego due to his experience. It won't ever hurt him though. He wants to train the new agents, though they're hard to work with. He doesn't mind.

Violet is the most energetic of the group. They feel a lot of pressure being neo agent 3, they have a feeling captain alister did a lot as agent 3, from what they've heard. They were an orphan that learned to survive in the wilderness with their best friend, scope. They got help from another soon-to-be close friend, too, and want to repay them by secretly letting them explore alterna (that will definitely go well). They love alterna. They hate the fuzzy ooze. Theyve been partially infected by the fuzzy ooze, though this doesnt show too much. Mr. grizz considered them partially mammalian when the two first met. They hated that. They want to be a pro splatterscope player when theyre older. They love the z+f one in particular. They do aim drills with their friends. They love their friends dearly.

Scope is quite rowdy but still well meaning. He had gotten lost from his family while on a salmon run, and violet had found him. He couldn't have asked for a better friend. He doesn't know his original name, he feels bad about it, he wants to learn about his culture. He's agent 5 for the neo squidbeak splatoon. He helps out violet on missions. He was apart of a family of stingers, and strives to be one himself. He really wants to work with violet as snipers some day.

I have an agent 6 in the works, but ill talk about them later

#long post #Sorry for any errors im tired lol #oc: alister #oc: zara #oc: josh #oc: orion #oc: violet #oc: scope

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lyraeon · 1 year

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at 20 I thought I was faking my depression and was "bad at life" and lazy like my family said. I still earnestly believed I was entirely straight and everyone knew girls are just nicer to look at. I still had a ton of ingrained racism and other bigotry from my Bush-worshipping family. My main dream of being an astronaut had been smashed by my anxiety and health problems, so I was trying to study Japanese because like every other weeb I thought I'd fit in better over there (lol), but I'd already flunked out of one college and been forced to quit another to get a second job. I was overdrawn constantly and often buying gas station gift cards at the grocery store so I'd only take one overdraft fee. I was dating someone horribly controlling who eventually earned the title "evil ex", dialed up my eating disorder, and traumatized me out of writing for 2+ years. I had several roommates because we all considered having the funds to go to anime conventions more important than personal space (and because back then we already thought $600/month was expensive). I spent any other free time half asleep at a friend's house cuz there I could play games and watch Intent videos. Half my meals came free from work, the rest were hacked together from stuff that worked out to $1/serving or so. The power or internet got turned off at least twice a year from non-payment.

at 25 I thought I was too depressed to deserve burdening others with my presence or existence. that I was a burden and purposeful downer and nothing would ever get better. I was still dealing with a ton of internalized transphobia, racism, and other bigotry that I had been taught was Just The Truth and still occasionally fall into. I was massively straight edge against weed and anything else (threatened to call cops on close friends) while also being a half bottle of vodka a day alcoholic just to get my brain to shut up enough to let me write or sleep. I didn't know how to have fun without alcohol, if at all. I had lost my ability to draw when I severely injured my wrist while i had no insurance. I tried going back to school, first for architecture then teaching, and flunked/dropped out of both. I was losing jobs every 6~8 months from being chronically late and being sick constantly. I manged to lose one on my birthday and wound up having to make some other tough choices because of it. I had only just reached the point where being overdrawn was a rare thing and I wasn't buying single gallons of gas with tip money. food was still often just ramen but I no longer had days where I didn't know if I'd get to eat, though I was often dependent on my then-bf. I had multiple teeth rotting and couldn't afford any treatment besides getting them pulled, and often not until they'd become infected.

by 30 I was finally on antidepressants and in therapy. I was on the road to physical therapy for shoulder and wrist injuries that had happened years earlier. I was pretty happy in my relationship. I held down one job for almost 3 years straight after getting medicated, then turned around and flunked/dropped out of college for the 5th time (Physics this time) because I was too anxious to take public transit reliably and STILL couldn't do homework anywhere but in class, so most projects never got done. I'd stopped being able to write (and am still running from the possibility my meds Took That from me because it doesn't come back if I stop them). Food had become a different struggle - I no longer had time, physical health, or executive function to cook reliably so I was spending too much on take out and causing wild fluctuations in my weight. I was hiding my eating disorder from my partner and my friends. I had begrudgingly un-estranged myself from my family to support younger cousins as they came out as queer. I had developed a healthier relationship with alcohol. I had accepted that, outside of addiction, drugs are a bodily autonomy thing and stopped being an ass to people about them. I had finally learned some damn etiquette around things like not accidentally outing people. I started streaming and making videos - stuff I had dreamed of since first watching Dead Fantasy and Red vs Blue and Weeblstuff in high school but had thought impossible after I lost the ability to draw.

I'm currently 35. This year I am living on my own for the first time (aside from 5 failed months at 18). I got divorced - a complicated, regretful process that was ultimately for the best but I could and should have handled better (and sooner). I've been in physical therapy long enough that I'm able to use chopsticks properly again and am thinking of trying to relearn drawing. It's also meant I can do the dishes and wash my hair on my own again, most days, so I'm relearning how to cook consistently. I'm reading (listening to) books again. I'm on year 8 of antidepressants and currently working with my doctor to fine tune what I'm on (and finally have a system to take them consistently). I've been diagnosed with ADHD and figured out I might also be autistic, and a lot of things in my life make way more sense when viewed through that context. I have appointments to get evaluated for ADHD meds, autism, shoulder surgery/other "PT isn't enough" treatments, teeth implants, and new glasses. my clothes have been put away 3 of the last 5 times I did laundry and I've learned that if I only own one dishwasher worth of dishes, the sink can't pile up. I've fully embraced that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, and demiromantic, and that I can be cis while also being "gender agnostic" - none of it really matters or processes to me, but I get that it does to others so I respect it. I'm seeing someone who makes me feel like I can do anything, is inspiringly ambitious themself, and is equally polyam, meaning I might also be asking out a cute girl soon and don't know where board game nights with the nice throuple I met might go. I'm having to do odd jobs and accept help from my dad to make ends meet, but I'm arguably a full time content creator now - something I literally didn't even let myself dream about when I was younger because it felt impossible, but which is fully worth the complications and budget crunching because it's so accommodating to my disabilities and uses so many of my talents. I'm still depressed, but I have hope that ADHD treatment will help cut through the remainder. Most days I just have hope, period. And more days than not, I'm genuinely happy for at least a while.

You'll find yourself.

It might take a while. There will be detours, mistakes, pain, tough choices, and a lot of hard work. But there will also be unexpected joys and more possibilities than you ever imagined.

Someday, you'll find yourself.

And when you do, it will be worth the wait, I promise.

#personal #though you can still reblog if you wanna #I was just having A Moment #and now for all the warning tags #mental health #tw eating disorder #tw alcoholism #ed tw #depression #adhd #tw abusive relationship #tw abuse #tw suicide #if you need anything else tagged lemme know #also sorry it's such blocks of text #i just kind of went full ramble

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wh0lemilk0vich · 2 years

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okok sorry for the fluff i know it’s like the only thing i submit but my antidepressants are kicking me in the ass so it’s difficult to always be in a goblin mood yknow 🤌

but like. eddie planning a campaign on his bed in the summer heat, shirt off and steve curled up by his side resting his head on eddie’s tummy drawing patterns on his soft skin snoozing

like steve totally uses eddie’s belly as a pillow

and then his stomach growls and steve’s sleepily like ‘already?’ and eddie nods, grinning bcus they just had lunch like an hour ago lol

steve makes some food brings it back into the bedroom and feeds eddie whilst he’s still working on his campaign. when he’s finished eating steve resumes the position listening to eddie’s stomach digest, rubbing his stomach gently urging little burps and sighs out of eddie’s mouth.

then when eddie is finally finished with his campaign planning of the day they have really nice soft sweet sex. like it’s cheesy but totally “making love”. steve going on and on about how much he loves the weight eddie’s gained and how it makes him so gorgeous and he loves seeing him being taken care of :(((( steve just wants to show eddie that he doesn’t have to take care of himself any more, like u said softening his hard edges both physically and metaphorically lol .

goes both ways too, especially if eddie’s the dom and they’re doing some kinky shit, he provides the sweetest aftercare for steve showing how much he appreciates everything he does, bcus boy steve’s trauma gets overlooked and he’s never had anyone take care of him properly (fanon shitty parents, canon past shitty friends, robin seems to be the only one concerned about steve’s mental health). eddie wants to change that, show steve just how grateful he is and how much he loves him.

bubble baths together, eddie gives steve a back massage, steve settling into eddie’s plush warm chest? god damn i wish that were me

🪱wormie worm worm worrrrm !!!!!!🪱🪱🪱🪱

Awe wormie you don't have to apologize for the fluff. I think people like when I respond to that more than when I get gobliny anyway 😅 (even though i love it so much)

For sure they've got a common love language in physical touch. They like to be tangled together even just casually, or at the very least one body part touching the other- making a connection. Like Steve laying perpendicular to Eddie, pillowed on his belly and against his chest, with Eddie using his left hand to absentmindedly run his hand through Steve's hair and massage his scalp, while he writes campaign notes in a booklet with his right hand. Just relaxing together, Steve snoozing, a lazy late morning.

And Eddie calling Steve his princess, telling him how beautiful he is and how much he loves his. He can't control himself around Steve, especially when he sees any of his bare skin, his cute freckles, his muscles, his pert little ass. He'd practically beg Steve to go another 2-3 rounds, desperate to breed and claim him. Or even on a more submissive side begging Steve to touch him to fill him. He loves Steve's hands, and he loves when Steve let's him lay back against him while Steve jerks him off. He scrunches his eyes shut and he nuzzles into the collum of Steve's neck and pants and shudders while he has Steve reach under his belly and stroke him, all of his body quivering from the movement, and Steve praises him. He tells him how good and pretty and big and soft he is, how good his thick cock feels and fits in his hand, how nice his shampoo smells, how fluffy and soft his hair is, how much he loves how much bigger he's getting, using his free hand to grab and shake his belly, or squeeze one of his perky tits, grab onto his flared hip at his waist.

The way they treat each other is just so loving and worshiping and full of praise, it's so nice.

I hope that was fluffy and not too goblin, wormie!

#🪱 anon #chubby eddie munson #chaser steve harrington #steddie

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masterzholtan · 2 years

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On the subject of Happiness 3

"Crazy as it sounds you won't feel as low as you feel right now"

I haven't written in this for years and I hate my handwriting so a diary has never appealed to me aside from that one summer I had no internet and played Pokémon Ruby for 6 weeks straight and wrote down how much I hated my parents for not paying the bill.

It's been a mad old journey and I've just reread the posts below about 2016 being amazing and my summer of freedom after the abuse id taken in the years prior, I gushed about joining University and here I am with a First Class Honours degree in Computer Science and a fucking gaming industry job that treats me so well. Look at how far we've come Andy.

I've not thought about what order to write stuff down in in this but I guess I wanna start near the top as in the reason I remembered this little diary existed. I met a person and they fill my heart with such joy and happiness, they are hilarious and beautiful, and together we're really going to take on the world and show others what love looks like. We are perfect for eachother, she told me she loved me and I'd never thought about that ever being a possibility again after all I've been through, I have my moments where I struggle (thanks for that youknowwho) with realising that it's real, and she does actually have these feelings for me and wants to spend time with me, touch me, treat me, laugh with me. And that's why I'm writing in this because a few nights ago she showed me she wrote about me in her diary and it was a real sweet thing to be let in to something so private for her. I can't remember what she wrote exactly because I wanted to read it quick and give back this tome of her thoughts and feelings of times passed, but the one thing that got me was how she described me as "The man she wants to spend her life with" or words to that affects and I've never been so honoured to hear that. In fact I don't think I've ever heard that from any partner before, always the giver and never the taker. She is not like that. I truly love her and trust her. I'm confident that we are it and that makes me so happy.

It's funny how these thoughts of my new partner came racing through my head at Download 22 just past as Biffy Clyro once again make me cry with Machines. The song that soundtracks my depression and anxiety for all these years and with my friends arms around me again as i weep to Simon Neil for I think the 6th or 7th time. I think of this blog so many years ago, I think of that summer of 2016 where I found myself and learnt myself, I think of the time at Uni, I think of the emotional and physical abuse, I think of being sick every morning for a year, I think of how sorry I am that i couldnt support the friends and partners that have come to pass.

I think of where I was and where I am now.

My friends haven't changed since I love them all as much as I do if not more than ever, they all love me still despite how annoying I am. Like a little chihuahua of excitement I am. But I think their tolerance for me will withstand a lifetime

I can't think much else to write. I'm still me, I still celebrate December 15th every year and will continue to do so, I was about to write about antidepressants and how it'd been so long, but I got back on them 2019-2020 and couldn't get my prescription when lockdown started so it's been about 2 years since, I had some private counselling in 2021 and 2 quick sessions this year because of how I was struggling to deal with Isolation, grief and eating which I told no one about except if you're blessed enough to read this

I can't say anyone is ever truly happy because our wants and needs change but I am getting pretty fucking close you know xx

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gsgroupofficial · 5 months

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Gastroenterology: Exploring Digestive System Disorder

The gut is your second brain. Yes, it's true! Many of us know that a healthy gut leads to a healthy productive mind. Moreover, 90% of the immunity lies in the gut. Gastroenterology awareness is a must for every balanced individual. GS Hospital, the best hospital in Noida, aims to spread awareness about gut health to prevent digestive disorders.

The gut is related to all the healthy systems of the body. The main reason behind this is the absorption of vital nutrients which are a must for every cell of the body. Right, the body needs energy to perform various activities which may be physical or mental. This energy is mainly received through food which is digested and assimilated well by the gut.

GS Hospital, the top private hospital in Delhi NCR, provides extensive information through this blog on Gastroenterology. Let us go ahead and explore more about digestive system disorders.

What is Gastroenterology?

Gastroenterology is the study of gastric systems which cover the esophagus, stomach, intestine, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, and rectum. As the name suggests, gastro means stomach, and entero- means intestines. Gastroenterology holistically means the stomach and intestine together. It involves the upper and lower gastrointestinal tract. A medical doctor having expertise in the study of Gastroenterology is called a specialist in Gastroenterologist.

Awareness about digestive system disorders is a must for a healthy gut. Preventive care is considered the best care for the gut. In this view, let us go ahead and explore more about digestive system disorders in the next part of the article.

What is a digestive system disorder?

The digestive system is the body’s system which extends from the mouth to the rectum. The main function of the digestive system is to digest, absorb, and assimilate nutrients and minerals by eliminating the waste and toxic substances in the body. This is very important for the immunity and overall health of the body.

Any kind of disturbance in the entire process of the digestive system in the form of symptoms such as stomach pain, indigestion, or discomfort will lead to digestive system disorder.

Early detection is a key to better recovery for digestive system disorders. Many digestive disturbances and disorders can be simply prevented with a healthy lifestyle, diet, exercise, regular monitoring, and screening. So, let us take a quick look into the top 10 digestive system disorders that can be prevented with healthy solutions.

Top 10 Digestive System Disorders

The top 13 digestive system disorders are as follows:

1. Constipation

Constipation is a digestive system disorder mainly characterized by hard stools, straining during bowel movement, and decreased bowel movement. This is mainly caused by the slow metabolism of the gut. It is commonly seen in people above the age of 40 years when the gut metabolism slows down. It is also common in people with low fiber intake, dehydration, stress, sedentary lifestyle, and certain medications like antidepressants.

The best treatment options for constipation are to increase fiber intake, laxatives, and stool softeners, and improve fluid intake. Severe constipation required medical attention with enema and other medications.

2. Gastroenteritis and stomach flu

Gastroenteritis or stomach flu is mainly caused by inflammation of the stomach and gut lining which may be due to an infection by consuming contaminated food or water. It is caused by bacteria, parasites, drugs, or food poisoning. This results in vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, fever, stomach cramps and pain, dehydration, or loss of water.

The best treatment for gastroenteritis will be prescribed by your gastroenterologist by controlling vomiting, and diarrhea, treating infection, and oral rehydration solution (ORS). Get connected with your doctor for the right treatment course of antibiotics.

3. Gastro-esophageal reflux disease (GERD)

GERD is characterized by acid reflux which mainly causes stomach acid to flow up into the food pipe. This mainly occurs at night or immediately after meals leading to acidity, heartburn, sensation of lump in the throat, difficulty in swallowing food, and indigestion. Complications of GERD may cause coughing, vomiting, or throwing up of acid, trouble breathing, or globus sensation in the throat. Making lifestyle changes and diet modifications along with antacid medications can help in treating GERD.

4. Gallstones

Gallstones mainly occur when there are cholesterol deposits that harden up in the gallbladder. The gallbladder is an organ that helps in the secretion of bile for the digestion of fats. Gallstones result in abdominal pain, epigastric pain, nausea, vomiting, fever, bloating, and acidity. The best treatment option for gallstones is to avoid heavy meals which trigger gallbladder pain. Severe cases may require removal of the gallbladder or cholecystectomy.

5. Celiac Disease

Celiac disorder is a digestive problem which is an auto-immune disorder caused by the consumption of gluten foods such as wheat. Patients with celiac disease are mainly allergic to gluten. The common symptoms of celiac disease are bloating, diarrhea, constipation, gas, vomiting, stomach pain, and loose stools. The main treatment for celiac disease is to consume a gluten-free diet.

6. Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Irritable bowel syndrome or IBS is a digestive system disorder mainly caused due to indigestion of food. This is mainly related to stress. The symptoms of IBS are very typical with indigestion, constipation alternating with loose stools, gas, acidity, stomach pain or cramps, and allergy to certain foods which may trigger the symptoms. The best solution for IBS

7. Crohn’s disease

Crohn’s disease is an auto-immune inflammatory disease of the digestive system that mainly affects the intestines causing inflammation of the gut. The common symptoms of Crohn’s disease are weight loss, diarrhea, and cramps. It is mainly associated with a strong family history of Crohn’s disease and stress. The gastroenterologist recommends corticosteroids, biological therapies, and other medications along with lifestyle changes.

8. Ulcerative Colitis

Ulcerative Colitis, also called UC, is the inflammation of the gut along with ulcers in the large intestinal tract. The main symptoms of UC include weight loss, fever, tiredness, urgency to pass motions, nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, and anemia. The treatment for UC includes steroids, immunomodulators, and biological therapies. Complicated cases of UC cause colon cancer.

9. Peptic ulcers

Peptic ulcers are an ulcer that occurs in the gut lining of the digestive tract which includes the stomach, esophagus, and intestine. This results in the formation of gastric and duodenal ulcers which are common forms of peptic ulcer. This is mainly caused by Helicobacter Pylori infection or taking long-term medications like painkillers. The treatment includes antibiotics and antacids.

10. Hemorrhoids or Piles

Hemorrhoids or Piles are mainly caused due to swollen veins in the lower rectum. These may be external and internal hemorrhoids. Piles are generally uncomfortable and difficult to deal with due to the presence of swelling, constipation, and bleeding. It can be controlled with medications, high intake of fiber, sitz baths, and lifestyle changes. Severe cases of hemorrhoids may require surgery.

A Caring Note for Your Gut

The gut and mind are interconnected to each other. Gut microbes help stimulate chemical neurotransmitters in the brain. Yeah! It's true. Just like a piece of dark chocolate makes you feel happy. Millon's of nerves and neurons are interconnected between your gut and brain. A healthy gut is related to a healthy mind. GS Super Specialty Hospital is considered not only a Best Gastroenterology Hospitals in Delhi NCR but also the best hospital in UP for Gastroenterology. They provide exceptional gut health and care for all patients with a team of experienced and professional doctors who have expertise in treating all types of digestive disorders which cover rare, auto-immune, and common disorders. Apart from this, the hospital offers preventive care for a healthy gut under the direct expertise of certified doctors.

#Gastroenterology #DigestiveSystem #Disorder #GSHospital #GSGroup #DelhiNCR #UttarPradesh #India

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