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emberfrostlovesloki · 7 months

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Coffee Shop [Reader x Spencer]

Spencer's picture is credited to @lightningcrashes The other photos are mine.

Prompt: Characters get the same coffee order. They both reach for it at the same time, aka, when the reader and Spencer order the same, oddly specific coffee order, and the reader can see that Spencer is struggling and tries her best to be someone he can lean on. This story is more about Aaron and Spencer’s relationship than anything else and it deals with Spencer’s drug abuse problem (the reader is just kind of there).

Category: Angst/comfort/whump

Word Count: 4.7K

Content Warnings: Depiction of drug abuse (Spencer and Dilaudid), addiction, near overdose, brief mention of Tobias Hackel’s episode, mention of depression (and seasonal depression), suicidal ideation, mention of therapy/therapists, canon typical violence, suicide by cop (unsub), mention of child abuse (in the past), Narcan is given, hospitals.

A/N: I’m going to say a lot here. Please bear with me. I didn’t love how the show handled Spencer’s drug abuse in seasons two and three. It felt like his issues were just “solved” in season three by movie magic. That never sat right with me. So I had the idea for this one shot to provide a possible scenario that addresses Reid’s abuse and Aaron’s response to that problem. This is written as a platonic relationship with the reader. Aaron is acting like a dad to Reid here. I tried to make the depiction of drugs and drug abuse as accurate as possible, but if you see that I am totally off on something, please let me know in a direct message or comment. I’ve never written something like this before so I hope it’s okay. This takes place soon after season 2 episode 17 “Distress.”

If at any time you need to stop reading this story, please do so. My writing is not worth your mental health!

The literal prompt came from @imagining-in-the-margins and her amazing Meet Cute Writing challenge, though this is less of a Meet Cute and more of a possible friendship situation.

Lastly, and on a more positive note, if you liked this story, likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated.

List with all stories

_y/n_ = your name

_l/n_ = your last name

The coffee shop tantalizingly close to _y/n_’s apartment was packed today. Maybe it was because of the rain, or the fact that it had actually started to feel like fall in Virginia, and seasonal change just intrinsically called for a nice warm beverage. _y/n_ would normally dread being in a space this packed, but she’d had a good weekend and there was a soft hum of voices that made her feel oddly secure. She was grateful, however, that she had woken early enough to stand in the line and not be stressed about getting to work on time. As she made it to the front of the line, the barista, Belinda, looked up at her and smiled. “The unusual?” Belinda asked. _y/n_ nodded and said, “The usual, please.” _y/n_ pulled out her card and rewards punch card; she was two drinks away from a free beverage. _y/n_ often found rewards programs a waste, but with how often she found herself at The Press coffee shop, it was a no-brainer. _y/n_ stood by the far wall where there was actually a comfortable space to stand. There lights weren’t so bright and the music was softer as she waited for her drink. Even though it had been a good weekend, she was still tired. The feeling seemed to linger with her. _y/n_ wondered if her seasonal depression was pressing its way back into her life. _y/n_ closed her eyes and added calling her therapist’s office and making an appointment to her mental task list. Over time _y/n_ had learned that letting these emotions of melancholia fester was only a portent of emotional pain in the future.

The sound of her drink being called snapped her back to herself and her surroundings. _y/n_ moved through those also standing and waiting for their own caffeine fixes. When she finally made it to the counter she reached out for her creme brulee late with a double espresso, but she wasn’t the only one who was reaching for the cup. _y/n_ assumed that the man, who looked oddly familiar, was reaching for the cup next to hers. She was wrong. Their hands brushed together as they both reached for the latte and an unexpected warmth ran up her arm. _y/n_ turned to look directly at the slender, tall man trying to get her drink. She cleared her throat and said, “Sorry I think that’s mine.” The man looked down at her and swallowed, before replying, “No, I’m sure it’s mine. Sorry, I’m going to be late for my train.” With that, the man reached forward, took the contested drink into his slender hand, and moved as quickly as he could to the front door. _y/n_ watched him go with her drink and tried to pinpoint where she knew him from. It took a second, but once was out the door she remembered and facepalmed. ‘Of, course,’ she thought. The man lived on her floor at the apartment at the other end of the hall on the opposite side of her unit. She wondered if she would have to will to confront him later. That was if she even saw him. The man seemed to be gone for days, sometimes a full week at a time. In the evenings when she came back from work sometimes he would be going out with his normal shoulder bag. Other times when she was returning late from getting drinks with friends, he would also ride the elevator up with her. In these cases, he had a duffle bag with him. In essence, he didn’t seem to hold a normal schedule.

With the mystery of where she knew the man from solved, _y/n_ sighed and got ready to get back in line. _y/_ knew that Belinda would understand and not make her pay again for a new drink. Just as she was getting in line, the woman making the drinks called out, “Large creme brulee latte with a double espresso.” This stopped _y/n_ in her tracks. She was the only person that she knew who ordered that drink. Was it possible that the man really had also placed the same orderer as her? _y/n_ moved back to the counter and waited a few minutes just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken. When it was apparent that no one was getting that cup, she moved forward and took it from the counter. She looked at the name on the cup and it most certainly wasn’t hers. It read: S. Reid. In the end, it didn’t really matter, she had her drink and it had just been an accident. And now she knew that someone on her apartment floor had the same taste in coffee as her. _y/n_ looked at her watch and realized that she needed to get a move on if she wanted to get to work on time.

That evening the lithe man was nowhere to be seen, as she let herself into her apartment. _y/n_ wondered what she did for a living. As _y/n_ moved inside, she pondered that maybe he was a professor of some sort? Or a public speaker who was required to travel often. The man certainly seemed smart enough for it. When she had overheard his phone calls riding up or down the elevator he always spoke fast and used some of the best cadences she had ever heard. Much of what he had been saying went way over her head. However, as her thoughts turned to who she assumed was S. Reid, she thought about the small changes she had noticed about him over time. It wasn’t like she was spying on him, but his mannerisms and odd comings and goings had drawn her attention. She supposed that he was around her age, maybe a year or two older. When she had first moved in around a month and a half ago and seen him for the first time, she had wondered if she could strike up a friendship with him. It would be nice to have a friend in the building. Someone to gossip with about the loud neighbor across the hall. Or someone to grab their package for them from the mail room fifteen floors down. However over the little time _y/n_ had lived there, she had seen S. Reid change -- withdraw into himself. It reminded her of herself, and how she really just wanted a friend. As _y/n_ set her bag down on the sofa, she pulled out her phone and tapped in her therapist’s office number; she felt like she needed a good cry.

Reid struggled during the next case. Emily’s comments and his own harsh reply were plaguing him like the need for his next hit was plaguing him. The chills and sweating kept him cold much of the time which meant he had to wear more layers which just made the sweating worse. Then there was the irritability at everything from the team to the bright lights and the goddamn fact that he had to roll and shift so many layers of clothes to find his vein to get the needle under his skin. Spencer knew he was taking more each day and knew that it was going to be harder to find the illicit substance without having to go to the same dealer. This was something Spencer had avoided doing up to this point. He hoped that he wouldn’t have to become a ‘regular’ because if word got out, or the ring got busted, there was no going back from there. Even if he did his best to use another name and paid in cash, he just knew it would be the end for him. He could already feel things becoming the end for him. Like it was lurking behind each corner of the industrial warehouses the team was currently investigating. Looking for an unsub that, ironically killed via lethal injection. It would be funny if real people's lives were not in the balance, and yet here he was playing with his own life each time he shot up.

Back at the precinct, Spencer moved quickly to the men’s restroom. The ache in his joints and the inability to sleep knawed at him to the bone. He wanted to trash and scream and curse, and suddenly, before he could stop his hands from shaking while he took out the glass vial and unsteadily pushed a clean needle in, sucking up the pleasure-poison, Reid was in heaven again. The weight that was lifted off his shoulders was so immense that he sank down onto the toilet seat and put the cap on the medicine before he dropped it on the floor. The sound of the door opening and Hotch’s voice asking, “You in here Reid,” had the younger man pulling at his sleeve and hiding his secret in the inner pocket of his shirt. When this was done. Spencer flushed and walked out of the stall trying to look like he was in control. Spencer cleared his throat and said, “Yeah, sorry. I’ll be back in the briefing room in a moment.” Hotch’s eyes found Reid’s wild, frenzied ones, and Aaron nodded. As the Unit Chief made it back outside, he thought about the very difficult conversation he was going to have to have with Reid. Aaron was berating himself for having his youngest subordinate’s drug problem go on so long undressed, and he was going to have to face the consequences of not acting sooner.

The case had ended in as much of a climax as possible. The unsub took his final victim's life and realized that he wasn’t getting out of this without a lengthy prison sentence. Instead of facing the consequences of the law, the man decided to let the cops end him, and he finished his life on his own terms, which was cruel given the fact that those he had killed weren’t given that option. As the plane landed everyone got out and moved tiredly toward the bullpen. The flight back had been awkward. Given Spencer’s new ‘behavior,’ the team was on edge. After what had happened with Hickel and Reid, the team was shaken. Clearly, Spencer was changed. It was as if the team was waiting for other shoe to drop, and the suspense was nearly unbearable. As everyone got into the building, and up to their floor, ready to go to their own homes or apartments, Aaron called Spencer up to his office. Reid stood nervously in the neat space, as Aaron said, “Can we meet tomorrow at three p.m.?” Spencer froze for a moment, knowing this conversation would come eventually. Spence nodded and tried to sound like everything was okay, while internally he felt like his guts were being pulled from his body. He cleared his throat at replied, “Of course, Hotch. See you then.” With their meeting set for tomorrow, Aaron dismissed Reid. As Spencer rode the elevator down to the bottom floor of his building, he wondered if there was anything worse than the concept of ‘tomorrow.’

The meeting time came and Spencer sat down. His heart was pounding in his chest faster than he could keep up with. Aaron sat across from him with his brows pulled together, showing his concern. Reid shuffled in his seat for a moment before Hotch pulled his attention saying, “Reid. Spencer. You know what this is about?” Spencer’s head dipped in shame, indicating that he did and that he wasn’t comfortable having to confront it. Aaron let out a breath asking, “What is it you're taking? Dilaudid?”

After Hankel had been killed the team had gone to the hospital. The doctor at the hospital had explained how Spencer had been drugged with the schedule II drug. There was a serious discussion about how Dr. Reid would need to have a safe place to withdraw and the possibility that addiction could be a problem without careful treatment. Hotch had done everything he could that the medical professional had suggested to support Reid in his recovery. However, Spencer was a grown man, and he couldn’t stop or overstep into his agent's personal life. It became clear early on that Spencer was still using a substance, but Hotch didn’t know what the drug of choice was. Of course, he had an assumption. Aaron’s first instinct had been to protect Reid from the system that would certainly terminate him if they found out about his problems. Now, as Aaron looked over Spencer's sallow, twitchy form, he wondered if he had made a mistake in not just addressing the problem as soon as he had clocked it.

After a long silence, Spencer replied, “It’s the same.” Hotch nodded and said, “I’m sorry Spencer. I’m sorry that I haven’t said anything until now.” Reid’s breathing picked up and he looked over at his boss, asking, “Are you firing me?” And here was the crux of the issue. Aaron didn’t know what to do really. This wasn’t a scenario that he had planned for. Hotch replied, “I’m not sure Spencer. But I think you should take some time off to get some help. I’ll help you if you need.” Hotch was sincere in his concern and willingness to do what he could to get his friend into a better place. Part of Spencer could understand this. The other half of him, the half half-crazed for another high was screaming that he shouldn’t let go of the pleasure the drugs brought him.” All Spencer knew was the BAU. It was security, family, and a place where he could be himself. And part of him, an irrational part of him, felt that now that he had changed, the team didn’t want him anymore.

This part of his brain continued to tease and taunt him and made sure he felt that the reason Hotch was suggesting he get help was because of his capture and torture, not the fact that he was using illicit substances on the job and putting the reputation of the whole team on the line. Spencer said, “I can do this job Hotch.” Reid was pleading, and Aaron could see the panic in his eyes and said, “I’m not saying you can’t. I just think you need some time. What happened to you was traumatic, and I think you’re still dealing with the long-term effect of that.” Spencer felt like his world was crumbling, and he couldn’t see that Hotch wasn’t letting him go, or even judging him, just trying to reach out.

Since taking Dilaudid, Reid was finding it harder to keep control of his words and emotions. He would say things unbidden, as he had with Emily. He could feel it happening again. He tried to strangle the words in his throat, but they came out, harsh and piercing, “Just because your father took drugs and beat you doesn’t mean that I’m going to start doing that with anyone.” The words hung in the air for a second, Spencer could see the hurt in Aaron’s eyes at bringing up and using such painful memories to him. However, after a second, the emotion was replaced by disappointment and concern.

Spencer took a breath and murmured, “Hotch, I…” Aaron filled in the blank and said, “I know. I know you didn’t mean that. Please, Spencer. I’m worried for you. Let me put in the paperwork for a leave of absence. Just for a week. I can email them to you and all you need to do is sign and send them back.” Wordlessly, Reid nodded his head, swallowing the lump that had lodged itself in his throat. For the first time that day, Spencer felt the great care that Aaron was showing him. He put his head in his hands and began crying, sucking in air between sobs. The fact that Aaron was willing to actually say something. To address what he was doing hurt, and he felt shame for doing what had. But Hotch wasn’t showing shame or embarrassment in his expression, just care. Hotch stood from his side of the desk and moved to Spencer, placing a hand on his shoulder to provide a comforting touch. Reid turned into Hotch’s touch and eventually, the sobbing abated. Hotch pulled back and said, “We’ll help you with this. I promise. I want to see you back here at your best, and I recognize that hard, and it takes time. But I think it’s worth it if we can have you helping us at your full ability again.” Spencer nodded and said, “Thank you, Hotch. I’m sorry.” Aaron nodded his head no and replied, “Don’t be sorry. We’ll work through this together.”

There were a few more minutes of conversation between the two men. Spencer agreed to what Aaron had suggested and he left Hotch’s office feeling better. The feeling didn’t last. It had been over six hours, and he was starting to feel the urge again. By the time he got back to his apartment, the feeling was overwhelming. Aaron’s supportive and encouraging conversations warred with his need to be free from all his feelings and concerns. The shame and need bubbled up in him as he walked with an urgency to the men’s restroom at the lobby of his apartment complex. It hurt like a brand to not even be able to make it up to his room to find release. Spencer slumped against the wall as he let the drugs enter him. He hadn’t even looked carefully as he inserted the dosage into his body. For a moment everything stilled and nothing mattered. Reid was grateful that the lobby was mostly empty, as he got into the elevator and rose to his floor. The lights from the city blurred as if he had permanent astigmatism. It was beautiful, but dizzying to look at. As the elevator doors opened, Spencer stumbled to the end of the hallway. He made it past one of the other residents on his floor and to his front door. He reached into his shoulder bag for his keys and found the cold metal under his fingers. Reid pulled his keyring from his bag and attempted to fit the metal into the lock. He attempted the simple motor function twice but missed both times. He suddenly felt dizzy and weak and felt his body lean against the door as if it weren’t his own.

_y/n_ watched as her odd floormate, who apparently got the same coffee order as her, moved out from the elevator. She noticed that he was not well, as he stumbled past her. He just nearly avoided running into her. One of his sleeves was up, and she could see for the first time the puncture wounds and bruising in the veins of his left arm. _y/n_ bit the inside of her mouth. Somehow S. Reid had never seemed like the type to engage in drug use. However, she realized that anyone could be struggling with anything, no matter what they looked or acted like. She had seen her fair share of pain and loss due to substance abuse. It seemed that no matter where she found herself. the impact that The War on Drugs and The Opioid Epidemic was never far from her door. But it was never far from anyone’s door given the impact and dramatic spike in desire for drugs over the past decade. When the soft sound of metal hitting the carpeted hallway got to _y/n_, she looked over and found the man slumped against the door. His face was pale and his breathing shallow. Given what she knew about the man now, she felt that something really bad was happening. _y/n_ rushed over to him and said, “Hey, can you hear me? Are you alright?” In a non-lucid state, Spencer made a soft nondistinguishable noise. _y/n_ picked up his keys and unlocked his door. She found the light switch and then helped the man to a chair. His eyes were bloodshot and pupils were retracted so much that they nearly looked like a pin point. _y/n_ knelt down and said, “Hey, Reid, is your name Reid? Can you talk to me?” At hearing his last name, Spencer seemed to find some awareness but not much.

_y/n_ had seen this type of behavior once before and that time it had been too late. She wasn’t letting this man go too. _y/n_ rushed to her own apartment and found the drawer she was looking for. With the nasal spray in hand, she moved back to the man’s apartment. She helped Reid to the floor. At this point he was barely breathing. Looking over him, _y/n_clearly said, “I’m going to give you a dose of Narcan, and I’m going to stay with you until help arrives.” Reid gave no response, nor did he say ‘no’ to what she said. With this in mind and the fact that it was clear that he was overdosing, _y/n_ took the cap off of the Naloxone and moved the applicator into the man's nostril. _y/n_ pressed the trigger. After the medication was inside his system, she moved him into the recovery position so he could breathe better. Next, _y/n_ called 9-1-1. The paramedics arrived quickly and because _y/n_ had been the one who had found him, she went with them to the hospital to give any information she might have. This wasn’t how _y/n_ had planned on spending her Thursday night, but it was worth it if her neighbor would live. She would do it again in an instant. After twenty minutes, the hospital administrator found Spencer’s emergency contact.

Hotch was in bed when he got the call. He picked up the phone and said, “Agent Hotchner. Who is this?” When he heard the response on the other end of the line, he was up in an instant. He pulled on some sweats and a shirt and he was headed to North Central Hospital in under five minutes. Hotch moved to the reception desk. The nurse sitting behind the desk asked for his name, and Hotch said, “Aaron, Hotchner. I’m here for Spencer Reid. I’m his emergency contact.” The woman nodded and looked in her system before saying, “Yes. Good. Mr. Hotchner, Dr. Reid is with the doctor right now, and we’ll send the doctor out to give you updates. If you like. you can sit in the waiting area.” Hotch nodded and asked, “How was Dr. Reid found?” The nurse looked at him and said, “A woman in his apartment found him and administered aid. She’s actually sitting on the far wall.” Hotch looked over and saw _y/n_. Briefly, he turned back to the nurse and said, “Thank you.” Aaron was worried and scared for his friend. After the conversation they had earlier today that seemed to have gone in a positive direction, Spencer’s problem seemed to have come to a head in a more public fashion. Hotch considered that keeping Spencer’s problems ‘in-house’ versus having it be public was better or worse. But in the end, it didn’t matter. None of it did as long as Spencer was okay. Aaron wished he could do more than wait for news, but there wasn’t. He had refrained from calling the team apart from Rossi and Derek. He felt that the fewer people that knew about this right now, the better it might be for Spencer’s career.

Aaron moved next to the woman who had found Spencer, and she looked up at him. She seemed concerned. She had been picking at her nails and looking at the door that headed to the ER. As Aaron approached her, he said, “Hi. My name is Aaron Hotchner. I understand you found Spencer Reid at his apartment? I’m his friend? Thank you for getting him help” The woman was relieved to know that there was someone there for her neighbor. She stood and extended her hand saying, “I’m _y/n _l/n_. I’m sorry your friend is going through this.” Hotch nodded and took a seat next to _y/n_ who also sat down. Aaron turned to look at _y/n_ and asked, “May I ask what happened? Where did you find Spencer?” _y/n_ replied, “I was headed into my apartment, and Spencer was trying to get into his unit as well. He didn’t look well, and I noticed the marks on his arm. He kind of fell forward and I went over to see if I could help. I noticed the signs of overdose and did what I could to help.” Aaron nodded and said sincerely, “Thank you for that.” Hotch was deeply grateful that someone had been around to help Spencer when he needed it this woman hadn’t acted as a bystander but actually did what she could to help. Aaron saw so many people just walk by when people were in distress in his job, and knowing that there were people willing to stand up and do something gave him a tiny bit of hope in this terrible situation. They continued to speak briefly before a member of the staff let her know that she could leave. Before _y/n_ went, she gave Aaron Spencer’s keys and asked if she could give him her number and that if he would text her if Spencer was going to be alright? Hotch agreed and took down her number. He thanked her once more and as she walked out the door, he could see Rossi coming into the bright, fluorescent-lit hospital space.

_y/n_ called a cab and as she moved back toward her apartment. The lights on the streets glistened and cast colorful shadows on the puddles on the road. It had just recently rained. _y/n_ sat back and thought about how ugly and cruel life could be. What taking drugs could do to a person. The face of her floormate's friend came to mind at how concerned he had looked. Sometimes the media liked to make drugs look fun, sexy, and a good time, but that just wasn’t the reality. Sherlock came to mind. The man was a genius and an addict and people loved him! And what wasn’t to love? Because the show never really gave the audience the chance to see what those substances he took would do to a man like Holmes. Then there was Euphoria and its teen angst and bisexual lighting, and even if the show got the drug part right, it didn’t change the fact that the world looked beautiful and that every character was hot. Reality was much, much, sadder. As _y/n_ thought over her own lived experience she hoped that Spencer would get better. Now that she had had this interaction with him she would be sure to get to know him if she could. So he knew there was at least one person in his building that was there for him if he needed it.

Back at the hospital, Aaron talked to Rossi about what to possibly do for Reid and the team. After another twenty minutes, the doctor came out and told both men that Spencer would be alright. That he had made it. After the doctor had given them the relevant information, a nurse led him back to Spencer’s room. Reid looked up from his bed and the shame painted over his face. As Hotch stepped forward, he saw how ragged Reid looked. Spencer could only manage to say Aaron’s name before he turned to look away. Aaron pulled up a chair and sat down saying. “I know Spencer. I’m right here.” And he would be there, and so would the team. The future looked murky right now, but Hotch was going to fight for Spencer. Fight for him to be on the team and for him to be well. Because Spencer was the smartest person he knew, and he cared deeply for his friend. He was going to do everything he could to keep him in his life.

#criminal minds #fanfiction #spencer x y/n #dr spencer reid #spencer reid #reader x spencer reid #spencer angst #whumptober #whump #read the warnings #drug abuse #derek morgan #emily prentiss #ssa aaron hotchner #reader insert #criminal minds x reader #spencer comfort #hotch is a dad #spencer's drug problem

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jamiesfootball · 1 year

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The super longest post about Keeley and her relationships: featuring interesting parallels between Keeley and Jamie, how her and Jamie's perspectives on their relationship is an inverse mirror, why Roy Kent, and other ramblings.

Heavy on the Keeley.

(woohoo boy this is a super long one I am not kidding. this is so long i busted out the laptop so I could add a readmore for you fools. you’re welcome)

Starting with the depressing bottom:

Jamie having a bad sexual experience with an adult that he didn’t choose in a very male-specific situation.

Keeley choosing something sexual with a teacher in a very woman-specific situation and the adult teacher not only letting it happen but also making it worse.

So we have two people with… not great experiences in their history, and their experiences are layered like a burrito in how other people perceive them through the lens of their gender. And yet somehow our cute little muffins battled on, and by the time the show starts they are 1) together and 2) freaking adorable, but 3) have a tendency to put sex first in a relationship (more on that later).

It’s adorable, flirty, fun sex definitely, but it also collapses pretty quick when Keeley begins starts making a relationships with what are arguably two of the most important people in her life: Rebecca and Roy.

First - Rebecca.

One can extrapolate from the context given in the show that before Rebecca, the friends Keeley had were industry-related acquaintances and other famous people. Not serious, sensible people. No disrespect to Sally, but while Silly Rebecca is a delight I think what drew Keeley in her general awe of Rebecca was how inner strength and outer persona were so intertwined. She was a formidable, self-sufficient, boss-ass-bitch. While Keeley clearly possesses an enormous amount of inner strength, she (as the script says) is used to people judging her book by her cover.

It's as she gets to know Rebecca - who is kind and thoughtful and caring behind that initial cold exterior - it's Rebecca who asks Keeley the probing, important questions, like why she's settled for messing around with someone who on the surface makes for a very shallow relationship.

Keeley's answer? For shallow reasons. Jamie is young and fit and fun, and Keeley's been stuck in the cycle of finding young-fit-fun for so long that she's actually lost track of the fact that one of those is beginning to not apply to her. Her joke about being Leo DiCaprio isn't entirely a joke - in industries of fashion and fame, it's pretty common for people to stop emotionally maturing around the age that they get famous.

So Rebecca asks 'what about accountability?' and that's the true start of Keeley's journey, because until someone said it, she didn't know how to put to words what it was she needed. And what she needed was room to grow, room to have a stable, normal, and dare I say adult relationship.

Enter Roy Kent.

Their initial interactions are loaded with fun, flirty chemistry, but two instances in particular resonated with Keeley: the scene in the club and the scene where he told her he didn't appreciate being used as a pawn in her relationship at the auction. And while the club is pivotal for Roy as a leader, I think the moment that sunk Keeley was when, amidst all of the team drama going on, he took a second to just stop and... acknowledge her. He didn't come there for her, she wasn't in his direct focus, but she was there, and for someone who's probably used to feeling a bit like arm candy? It felt like respect. Score a point for Roy Kent.

The second scene is a case of Roy 'accidentally putting his best foot forward at the right time' because she's pissed at Jamie, arguing about accountability, and then there's Roy demanding the same accountability from her. He challenges Keeley and Keeley does not back down. She jumps head first into accountability and it fits like a glove.

And just like that, it's over between her and Jamie.

BUT. BUT. Keeley and Jamie have been broken up since episode 4 and we’re still getting new facets to their relationship!

One of those interesting facets that’s come to light is that Keeley has a habit of downplaying to other people that her and Jamie's relationship had any emotional components at all. Before and after they break up, she always refocuses any mention of Jamie in the conversation towards the sexual:

“Now I’m in my 30s and I’m still dating a 23 year old footballer.”

“[To Jamie] Babe, if [bankers] looked like that, then we wouldn’t be together.”

“I just wanna know if I can bang him.” “Well you’ll have to ask him, it’s his dick, isn’t it?”

“Five out of five: would break again.”

And like, she tells Roy that she hooked up with Jamie to get back at Roy because she was hurt that he left her on read after a really fucking good kiss, but then you look at her face in that scene and that's not entirely true is it Keeley?

When Jamie stops by her house, Keeley's face is NOT that of someone plotting anything. That is not the face of someone who's bummed their crush might not like them and is looking for a rebound (well it is at first a bit).

But Jamie comes over and she. is. CHARMED. He's here to thank her for being so excellent to him all the time, and taking him to plays, and putting work into him that he didn't appreciate before. He's not even here for a hookup - she offers him a drink and he's just like 'nah, thanks tho'. He's basically out the door before he realizes what she's implying.

And that's the thing - the second sex is off the table between them is when their relationship actually begins to shine. She’s constantly charmed by his total… Jamie-ness. Like saying ‘you’re welcome’ when she says he made it easy to break up. Like seeming ambivalent about the break up, but then cheering when Keeley is still willing to help with his beer ad campaign. Stripped of the sexual connotations of a relationship, his honest appreciation of her is endearing. But that's it. She's refocused on Roy, and she's not looking at Jamie anymore as an option. That book is closed.

Now. Jamie.

Poor fucking Jamie, who has a history of losing a good thing right when he was starting to understand that he had one to lose (see: getting transferred from Richmond, losing Keeley).

Where Keeley has spent most of their post-break up intellectualizing that her relationship with Jamie was mostly just a sexual fling, Jamie has spent more of their post-break up time realizing that not only was their relationship was more emotional than he thought, but that its the kind of connection he wants in the first place. It's clear from post break-up day one that he still wants Keeley around, even if it's not as a girlfriend. Where she's dismissing things between them as having been shallow, Jamie is sitting there going 'she took me to plays, she listens to me when I talk about what's bothering me, she gives me advice. She's kind. I could always turn to her when I needed help. I miss her.'

It's as if before, they both found comfort in focusing on the sexual aspects of their relationships, so neither of them really tried for anything more.

And then Keeley went off to have an emotional relationship with Roy, and Jamie had to come to terms that that’s….what that is. That’s what a real, emotional relationship looks like. And it turns out he wants that. He feels left behind. And yeah, he was jealous. Why wouldn't he be jealous? He's never had anything like that before, and now it looks like the person he used to be with actually wanted that the whole time and he was just too. Fucking late.

So he's just been a big old confused ball of feelings since they broke up. They broke up, and then they slept together. His hopes got up a bit, and then she's dating Roy Kent. At some point he deletes her number. Then he's confused and alone, and he tracks her down to a cafe in London and she gives him good advice about talking to Ted to get back onto the team. And then he's confused again, because what's the trick? He's alone and everyone at Richmond hates him. He goes to Keeley for advice, and this time she doesn't talk to him- she drops him on a therapist instead. Maybe it's not a trick then. Her and Roy actually seem fucking happy. What the fuck?

And I know it in my bones that the moment he decided to delete rest of the pictures? Had to land square between The Hug at Wembley and confessing to Roy that he told Keeley he loved her. Because at some point him and Roy Kent came to a tentative understanding, and Roy started treating him like a real human person, and then it wasn't just about being hung up on his Keeley. Because there was someone else involved, and that person could get hurt if Jamie didn't back all the way off. It occurred to him that there was something to destroy, and he didn't want to be that person. He had to stop lying to himself that things were ever gonna go back. He deleted the rest of the pictures and videos of her, and he just has to live with the fact that he likes her, yes. But he also likes Roy now too.

And THAT'S how you be accountable to the people around you. Not just by stepping up to do the right thing, but by stepping back and making sure you don't do the wrong thing.

Like deciding to follow Roy instead of Keeley when he finds out they've broken up.

Jamie knows he's charming, and he knows that Keeley finds him charming. But he also knows that Roy is hurting. How could he not be? Keeley just broke up with him. Except she didn't, he broke up with her. And yet Roy's still hurting.

And Jamie. Sweet fucking Muppet he is. Decides to do the right thing. He empathizes with Roy. Let's him lick his wounds. Takes him to see a fucking windmill. And he stays away from Keeley, who's already told him before that she has trouble turning him away. He doesn't even tempt that.

For Keeley and Roy, I think it's fair to say they were each other's first real, serious relationship. And they grew and learned together as a couple. But without Roy, Keeley has new eyes for what she wants, and she can't help but notice now that some of what she wants? That's in Jamie now.

She doesn't go there either. She maintains her distance. Why wouldn't she? She's never the one that goes to Jamie.

Now. The rebound.

Keeley did the bravest thing a person can do after a break up. She took a new road. She met someone she had a good feeling with. They hit it off.

Jack. Jack who is fun and fit and makes her laugh. Someone who's a bit cheeky, sometimes a little inappropriate, assertive about what they want, and fucking hot in a suit jacket without an undershirt. Intense eyes.

Checkmarks all across. Exactly Keeley's type. But it wasn't quite working.

Keeley was going through the all the motions of an emotional connection in the hopes that it would bloom. But she's playing the game one handed. She's still got her heart in her hand over Roy, and then there's Jack and she wants it to work with Jack, she does, because on paper Jack is great! Sure Jack doesn't challenge her the way Roy did, never frustrates her like Jamie did, never seems to need anything at all from Keeley really. But Jack is full of big romantic gestures that make Keeley feel adored! With Jack she can just have fun and relax! Jack's a great rebound.

But Jack doesn't make her feel like she's been struck by lightning, does she? Maybe she could have, one day. And Keeley is willing to try - that's all you can do after a break up, is try. But she's trying to make it work with someone who is very much the Type of Person she used to like and there's something missing.

And then there's these little moments. Where the differences creep in and in until things split apart.

Jack takes Keeley out to fancy restaurants. On their first date, Roy took her home to cook for her.

Jack's 'that was so fucking hot' moment was telling the office that her and Keeley were dating when Keeley said she was feeling unsure. Roy's 'that was so fucking hot' moment was listening to Keeley when she said she needed space and going to read his book on the couch.

Jack says about the video leak 'I will take care of this' and Keeley believe her. Then she gave Keeley a press statement and an disbelieving 'how would i get it down? it's the internet'. The lawyers helped, but Keeley would have to do all the work.

On their first date, Roy threatened a paparazzi and stole their sim card.

(He also held her hand. It’s such a simple, almost childish gesture but he really did love holding her hand all the time.)

Jack prioritized social appearances over her relationship with Keeley. Roy once gave Keeley a video of him crying at a press conference just so she could have a wank.

Roy fucked up when he asked who the video was for. But you can not say that if it were him in Jack's position, that he would not have gone through ridiculous extremes to have made Keeley feel better. Whatever she fucking wanted. He'd probably release a video of himself masturbating if it he thought it'd take the pressure off of her. When that man is committed, there is no half measure.

But he doesn't have the right to that anymore, does he? And it's his doing. And all he can do - the most he can do without crossing any boundary - is '''''casually''''' run into Keeley in the parking lot and try to offer a quick word. He's dying inside that he can't do more.

And he fucks it up so bad. Ironically, his fucking up this time is what allows Jamie to put his best foot forward.

Keeley Jones. Hurting. Single again. Bitter. Let's be real - fucking traumatized. Because that shit hurts, and it's happened before when she was younger, and it's happening again. She was shaking when she first saw the leak. Couldn't even finish the video. And she's right on the money when she says she feels like she's fifteen again - because she's reliving the same damn bullshit and she's still having to argue for her own autonomy.

And who shows up at her doorstep (shaded in soft colors to match Keeley's earlier outfit, her whole aesthetic)? Jamie Tartt, the one the video was actually for. The one who is fucking kicking himself because he knows he got rid of those - even though they were special to him. He got rid of them because it was the right thing to do, and he came here to apologize because it's the right thing to do.

Jamie Tartt isn't entirely new to her - he's still painfully Jamie. He kinda drifts off on a tangent about himself for a bit. He's still so easy to read. Him showing up for her is new; but his sweetness is not. And he doesn't say the right things always. But he is there for her, and he fucking cares that she's hurting. And if part of that was on him, then he's here to claim that part and apologize. Because it's not her fault.

Again, with the words you don't know you need to hear until you hear them. This from the guy who used to have near-topless photos of her (although only her, eleven pictures all of her) all over his locker. But those are the photos that she chose to do, and she is proud of them, and they always matched sexually, didn't they?

And now they're talking again, for the first time in a while. And it's because of a sex video that she sent him. Yet somehow, for the first time in their relationship, there's....no sex. None. Not even a vibe of it. For once, they're on the same page, seeing each other clearly, and sex is off the table.

It's nice. It's a good look on them. It's downright loving.

Keeley Jones had a no good, terrible bad couple of days, but Jamie Tartt made it a little better.

Let them be close. Let them care for each other, however that looks for him. If it grows, so be it. They've all grown this season - Roy, Keeley, and Jamie. All it takes to fail is for all parties to stop trying, and there's no one here who isn't trying.

Also another bit that I couldn't quite flesh out the way I wanted to:

Jack cancelled a family meetup because of Keeley's scandal. Roy wouldn't cancel on his niece even if it meant missing Sexy Christmas. Something about the commitment of it all. Something.

#keeley jones #jamie tartt #roy kent #did I lose the thread?#it feels like I did but I had a lot to say #keeley jones is also a work in progmess #obviously so is Roy #jamie may be in progmess until he dies - there's a lot of mess in that boy #but god my feelings for all three of them #just let them be happy #all of them equally happy #please #ted lasso meta #ted lasso spoilers #i hope some of this made sense because it took forever to write and i am NOT rereading it for proofing #ted lasso

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proudfreakmetarusonniku · 3 months

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god i had more depressing rei thoughts.

so we know the second rei idolised gendo? and the third rei pretty clearly hated him? (which like. good on you girl he’s an abuser)

rei is a victim of grooming, both in a non sexual manner in her relation to her roles in gendo's plans, and she’s also heavily implied to have been also sexually groomed by him too. (i'll have to rewatch the series to write my whole analysis on rei as a sexual abuse victim, but if you want the summary as to why i believe this, it’s a mix of her lack of reaction to shinji accidentally sexually assaulting her, her general self objectification disassociation issues general lack of hygeine ect being all characteristics that are specifically common with victims of csa, and finally, like, that one scene in end of evangelion is framed like a rape scene for a reason like that’s a very obvious and direct metaphor)

each sentient rei clone (as in, the three we see in the series, not the soulless hundreds we see in the lcl tank) shares a soul. they’re the same person, even if they don’t have specific memories. so why the sudden shift? i mean, well, the obvious one is that she did kinda spend the last 23 episodes learning that her abuse wasn’t normal and fine. like. that was a whole thing. rei clearly has some vague recollection of things, since she has a sense of familiarity around gendo's glasses, even if she lacks the emotional response the second rei had, so she presumably at least has some idea that her abuse isn’t normal still.

but also like… the first rei was literally a toddler. of course she trusted her adoptive father, enough to repeat the inappropriate words he said to someone else bc she thought it was normal. (and i have Thoughts on that too, but again i am going to make a whole post on that eventually). the second rei was so isolated from the world she didn’t know how to express emotions at all. but the third rei was basically immediately just thrust straight into life without any time for her to be groomed into trusting gendo. she knows him, and has vague recollections of him, but she lacks the emotional bond she was manipulated into the other times. she’s looking at her abuser from an objective lens, and she’s able to see him for what he is.

idk just. thought that was both an interesting thought and sad as shit. rei ayanami suffered more than jesus.

#neon Genesis evangelion #rei ayanami #hope u like my Evangelion analysis posts this is how I talk about all media I like #Csa tw #grooming tw

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directorphobos · 1 month

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I don’t wanna be clocked as the “I’m better than you disabled type” for saying this, so please don’t go there. But I feel like people do have a problem with getting way too comfortable in their misery over the years here and I hope people see what I mean one day. Back when I was miserable myself and didn’t have the resources I do now, I used to get angry at those who said I’m capable of “doing more” or related but after receiving the help I’ve needed I’ve come to realize its a kind of fucked how normalized its been in these spaces to just.. use specific experiences or illnesses as a scapegoat? For a lack of better words. I used to do it but again, it’s normalized here I guess.. we’re capable of so much more and I’m growing more and more tired of the “I’m x so I can’t do x” thing..

I’m diagnosed with various things, some expected some new, I’ve been through heaps of traumatizing both irl and online situations resulting in the cptsd, chronic depression, BPD, some sort of dissociative disorder etc all being treated. What gets me though, is I see people experience way more mild things that they end up intensely identify with and blaming it or a few bad experiences on every negative trait they have, and don’t try and change anything. A lot of the time leading to misdiagnosing themselves as well with something serious, and yeah, I get mad about it. I get that people don’t all experience things the same but the same awwrghwk729191

The more I see this sort of thing taken happen between mutuals/acquaintances etc after I provide my insight the more (unreasonably?) angry I get? Because in my mind I guess people should know better but at the same time they haven’t been “enlightened” like I have so to speak. I’ve helped a couple of people, but some are so, so stuck in the “I’m this so I can’t do that or be expected to” thing and I only see this mindset in people who are very stuck on social media. I do not see this in people who are more “offline” or focus more on projects/friends/etc who have been through a lot like I have as well.

And just like. Dude.

[CW experience dump of unpleasantness];

If I can go through 13ish years of back to back domestic violence, witnessing my parent trying to kill themself multiple times, being woken up to screaming at 1am almost every day for months at one point, see people get beat, get beaten myself, have someone try to run me/family over twice, have a sibling die, endure s/a and on top of that be sent through multiple manipulators online after thinking I was through it all; I’m sure others with more “mild” problems in comparison they’ve ever went through can pull out of the “I’m so constantly drained and I can’t do xyz thing,” like I have, with work. But they have to really want it, when I get angry is when I see someone perfectly capable of using those resources and they don’t, but instead sink more into the “I can’t to blah” mindset.

I guess yeah there’s no hiding that this is a direct nod towards something that happened to me/someone recently, but nothing would change even if I dumped my feelings which I’ve done way too much of and itd always amount to nothing sooo instead I’ll just dump about what I see it all relating to in online phenomena. I’ll never be satisfied with how a friendship fell apart because of [the everything], and I could explain my pov further but I don’t want to get anymore specific than I am + I’m all around very certain it all culminates to this sort of thing. Out of all the worries I have recently reflecting on this is the only upsetting thing I’ve really been through recently besides random works issues and I think this will plague me for a long, long time. Wegh

Ty for the like attention span of idk 3 peanuts of my 50-ish followers who would read this post 🏓

#chatter #rant #yyyeah #I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and its bouncing between aggression to how common and dehibilitating of a mindset it is #and neutrality #I am just getting this off my mind so it won’t just sit n burden me I guess #thanks tumblr for not limiting my words #I hate ‘vaguing’ like this but I mean if it fits it fits and this is an unresolved problem I’ve tried to resolve for so long #it always amounts to nothing #vent

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texturralize · 9 months

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Writer of my broken soul. What has happened to the svss fics? Are you okay? Who do I need to fight for you cause I rely on those fics more than an online shopper relies on their credit card.

it’s just..kind of a unfortunate timing kinda thing..something just really discouraged me and hit on some social trauma I have and I’ve been in a funk and need to take a break from my sv fanfic. the other night I sat down to write and someone messaged me on twt to join a sj fan server.

I got super excited bc I still hadn’t ever found a sj focused server and he is (obviously) my fave. when I got in, someone mentioned being fan of my fics. so I searched them just bc I was kinda curious. well..there were a few nitpicks things here and there which is fine. but ig one of my fics, because I forgot a tag, showed up in some people’s feed even when they set their filters, and it bothered them. there were some really hurtful things said..stuff like oh you can’t trust this author, can’t believe they did this, it was disingenuous, they wanted to toss themself down the stairs from sheer disgust, it was creepy, people wanted to block me, they felt mad anytime they saw my name…it was bordering on fic/author bashing and I was shocked the conversation just continued like normal and was allowed…so I got uncomfortable and left the server.

I don’t really blame the server itself or the people who talked about me, multiple people have sent me DMs saying they felt bad and like my work and that was really sweet. one of the people who said stuff also apologized for it so it’s not like I hold a grudge. it’s just, stuff like this is kind of hard to deal with for me. it’s not that I’ve never encountered hate comments or anything on the internet, I think I was just blindsided by the situation..no one expects to encounter stuff like that in what should be a safe space for fun and ideas you were invited to. I let myself get excited and wasn’t expecting it so it really affected me.

it’s just unfortunate that it happened in that way because though I’m sure no one specifically meant to hurt me, like I said, this kind of triggered some social trauma for me. as someone who grew up with undiagnosed autism, I’ve often felt hurt and silly when I entered spaces and didn’t realize people didn’t like me until too late. I spent a long time unable to explain why I felt certain ways when these things happened bc I didn’t even understand the way my own brain worked. I also have a very direct way of communicating and don’t say things unless I mean them, so the idea of venting and being aggressive abt something but not ‘really meaning it’ is hard for me; it’s hard to understand that someone could say such cruel stuff but not take it seriously. so my brain catastrophizes and won’t let me forget what happened and there’s dysphoria when I perceive rejection, dislike, aggression, etc. BECAUSE I take those things so seriously. and I also would never bash someone or their fic bc I know fic is made from love and is 100% free so it’s hard for me to get past it y’know?

just to reiterate..I’m not mad at anyone, I don’t think anyone is a bad person. they said they made a mistake speaking like that about someone and will keep in mind what I said when we talked. I’m sure there are plenty of people in that server who like my stuff and don’t want to see me discouraged…

god, it’s just really hard, you know? it’s been a while since something really managed to hurt my feelings. I guess I just felt stupid, and kind of humiliated. it’s that feeling of walking into a room only to realize you’re the punchline…

so..yeah it just kind of has me in a funk, as someone who’s struggled to make friends and connections in fandom too despite how ‘easy’ it’s supposed to be. I’m still kind of disappointed that something I got excited over exploded so much in my face and didn’t work out. but overall I mostly just tripped into a depression spell and it’s making me feel bad to look at my work so..I decided to take a break from it. to people who like my stuff…I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to take anything away from people who really liked it. I just want to feel better.

the last time I felt this bad was a few years ago, when someone did something really horrible to me and it upset me so much and took the joy out of the fandom I was creating content for, because it was something we did together. I’m not really upset over the specifics of what was said, just the experience and how similar it was to things I’ve went through in the past. I’m upset over the fact I don’t feel like it’s fun to write right now, and I don’t want to lose this special interest like I did my last one…so yeah, just kind of sucks overall.

I hope no one feels bad about what happened for a long time. just..unfortunately, I probably will, and maybe taking a break will help..idk

sorry :(

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circulars-reasoning · 10 months

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If I recall correctly, you said you had created alters, right? If so, I was wondering how it happened and how they're doing right now. I'm trying to do a bit of research on it to help out a specific alter in our system, but to no avail. We're trying to do this as safely as possible.

Right now, they’re doing well, but when they first formed, it was horrific for them and us. Trauma was… not great! I think it might be time to expand on their stories actually. Too many people in syscourse assume they know things about my alters, and the last time I opened up about them, folks came into my inbox to tell me I was wrong about my experiences.

Tw for suicidal ideation, harassment, depression, and alter death.

Debra:

She was our first created alter, and the one we actually consciously purposefully created. In terms of us having a created alter, she’s probably the one who counts — LED’s experience is closer to a regular traumatic split, but I’ll get to him later.

Context for this time of my life: We were in high school. We had never heard of DID, we were being actively abused on two fronts (parental abuse and COCSA), and the only people who we felt understood us were folks much older than me online who I talked to on a daily basis. I thought my alters were just imaginary friends to represent my emotions. The voices I heard were just my emotions and feelings, very loudly, and I was imagining those emotions as people — like Inside Out!! And this was normal, my peer abuser told me. Yay! (Oof.)

Wade was our main fronter at home. He held onto a lot of our depression and dealt with the brunt of the current abuse from our parents. He was also dealing with gender issues and just generally was struggling. We started getting more and more suicidal and depressed, and our systems only way of handling that emotion was repression (via Numb’s emotional blocking or Sierra’s toxic optimism).

Finally, one night, Wade got the closest he ever got to self harm. It was nothing, really - the mark of it was gone within an hour - but it panicked him, and he reached out to our friend at the time.

This friend comforted him and told him that he needed to manage his depression somehow. We knew we couldn’t get therapy, so he suggested something he’d heard of before, about parts therapy. AKA, IFS. “Your depression is a part of you. What you need to do is talk to it. Imagine a person; someone who is all of those depressing thoughts. And talk to that person; why do they treat you that way?”

Those aren’t direct quotes. In all actuality, all of this is so blurry. I was so fucked up and stressed, it’s not hard to know I split. But the thing is, Debra’s split was entirely different than any other split I’ve had. All of my other alters, it was… one second they’re not there, the next they are.

Debra didn’t do that. When Wade imagined someone to talk to, it wasn’t in our innerworld. It was in a different space, where we imagine our thoughts happening. Deb was entirely imaginary, and she seemed to say things as I thought them. Each negative thought I had was suddenly her saying them. (Sometimes, it seemed almost as if she would say the thought before I had it.) For every night for a week, they talked — though, it was more Debra talking and us listening and feeling worse about ourselves.

That first conversation, I remember Wade feeling better — empty, but not suicidal. After imagining Debra for that first time, Wade only felt non-suicidal if she was talking to him. Sometimes that didn’t even help, because really, she was just imagined — we were planning her thoughts. Until, suddenly, we weren’t anymore.

Side note: Deb is the first marked hallucination we have had. We were walking home from the bus stop, which was always inherently dissociative for us, and we looked over at our house. Out of the corner of our eyes, we saw Deb, floating around the cars parked on the road. We panicked at that, but a second later, she was gone. We believed magic was real for a solid day after that, and that our imagination was coming to real life.

After that week, Debra was autonomous. She started to slip out of the void and into our innerworld. She started to harass Wade in a living hell 24/7, instead of from 11pm to whenever Wade finally passed out at night. And she hated a lot of us. She expressed that we should all kill ourselves so she could take over, because she was so much better than the rest of us. It was around this time that Wade made his trauma room in our innerworld and ceased fronting as often.

It only ended when Numb, fed up with her and panicked from even him feeling the suicidal ideation, killed her. Protector killing the persecutor, how classic. He crushed her to death innerworld.

Deb didn’t make a reappearance until college, when she emerged from dormancy. But in the meantime, there are two blank years of my life after we killed Debra. I have so few memories from those years, I could count them on my hands. Clearly, killing her destabilized us, but if we hadn’t, I have no doubt I wouldn’t be alive today. She was succeeding in her goals, and it sounded logical to us at the time. We’ve worked hard to make peace with what happened.

LED:

College. We’re now self dx’d as having DID. We’re no longer around our peer abuser, and in fact had ‘broken up’ with her after she ‘crossed a line’. I was now an hour away from my parents (though I had to call them each night and drive home each weekend). I was living with my then-roommate-now-fiancé and I was best friends with the only person in my life who knew I had DID, who lived in a different dorm. We were convinced Rice was a host by people online, and we were in pro-endo spaces (though had yet to strongly participate in syscoruse spaces).

Deb came back. At the time, I was in a nice Singlet Era Lite(tm) — aka, Rice fronted almost constantly, until she would collapse and meltdown and then we would rapid switch for the next few days, only for Rice to power back to front. It was unstable, unhealthy, and an incredible burden on Rice (one she is still recovering from to this day). Until, one night (at 3am), Rice was on the verge of a mental collapse again. She was down on herself, convinced she was a failure.

And then Deb was there, telling her she was, telling her how worthless she was, and altogether making everything harder.

That summer, Deb would take to harassing Rice, in particular. We had a flawed idea from the systems we spoke to that Rice was the “original core identity” and that the goal of DID healing was to integrate* those identities into one. She wanted Rice to feel out of control, so Deb could take over as host. If she could just become the original identity somehow, then we could fuse and just be perfect like her.

The best way she could think to make Rice no longer be in control? Make Rice split. Force a split, make Rice create someone, just like how we’d made Deb, and make Rice realize she was pathetic.

So, the nightly torture began. No sleep until 3am most nights, passive influence of suicidal ideation, near constant whispering about our mistakes. And, long story short, one night it worked.

Rice finally had enough, and completely went dormant in her room. And, in her place, was LED. Not visualized like Deb had been, but planned by Deb, and made specifically to counteract her. Debra is a being of darkness and shadow; LED’s name is literally Light Emitting Diode. Debra is an ageless demon; LED is a 10 year old ray of sunshine.

Only… Debra came for him, said hello, and. Well. LED took one look at her, screamed so loud I thought it happened in real life, and shattered. Broke apart into a million pieces and went immediately dormant.

This shocked Debra enough to actually break through to her at least. Damage was done, though. A new split and two dormancies in one night. Deb retreated from the front and left everyone else to clean up the mess while she watched. Rice remained dormant for a few months, and would only come back for, at most, a few hours at a time before having a breakdown and leaving for, usually, around a half a year. LED didn’t come back for almost a year after that. Debra had a “come to Jesus” talk with our friend who was in the know, and she started helping out some.

Now:

They get along really well! It’s been years and years since those incidents. Deb feels guilt for what she did back then, but everyone’s forgiven her — LED being one of the first. He actually apologized to her for being scared. Goddamn sweet guy.

Both of them have adapted to the system, but needed time to adjust. LED adjusted in dormancy, whereas Debra had to adjust after she returned from dormancy. It was… incredibly unstable for us after Debra’s creation. Our therapist cites that as part of the risk of IFS with DID systems, and how it can lead to increase dissociative barriers. It did for us.

We call both created, because there was purpose behind their splits. Debra was imagined consciously, purposefully, to hold trauma. LED was purposefully made (even if unplanned, visually and personality wise) to make Rice feel worthless (and instead made her feel stronger… after a year or so). We also distinctly call both of them created traumagenic alters.

Whew. That was a long one. I’m gonna to rest after that…

#*Integration is used here as I heard it then (to mean fusion) even though I know that term means something different not #syscourse #created alters #trauma #tw trauma #trauma dump #Tw trauma dump #sui #sui ideation #depression #bluh tags #diamonds are a boy's best friend

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1863-project · 2 years

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I feel that Emmet would never chose to do evil, except in situations where its explicitly not evil!

Examples of what I mean: Education. Gotta reenact a completely fictional train robbery, then someone needs to be the robber. Or education on what happens if you are unsafe on the trains. Which I imagine are a series of badly acted videos in which both showcase why not to do various unsafe things.

(That said I also feel half of it would derail into an excuse for the Dead horse trope of tying someone to the railroad tracks. How often do you get an excuse for that?! Also the twins probably switch between who is the 'villain' of each educational segment. )

Yeah, that's the thing - what you’re talking about is normal, and cartoony, and funny. The post I reblogged was specifically about people doing ableist things with him due to him being the more obviously autistic coded of the two of them. The tl;dr is that since 2010 people have taken this character with neurodivergent traits and decided this meant he was unhinged in a way that actually really hurts autistic people who see themselves in him.

Does mental illness sometimes make people violent or lose control? Of course, although it's important to note they're more likely to be victims of violence than the perpetrators. Should we inherently be villainizing mental illness because of this? ABSOLUTELY NOT. There are people who almost fetishize this, and it does nothing to erase the stigma of mental illness, especially for people who do lose control. I work in a public library, and a lot of my patrons are experiencing homelessness. Of those patrons, a lot of them are dealing with mental illness (and not just situational depression) - some have big scaries, like schizophrenia or bipolar, and a lot of homeless folks actually have personality disorders (one study put that rate at 92% of respondents). None of these people are inherently scary or unhinged or bad - they're just dealing with a lack of access to treatment. And none of them have ever made me feel threatened on the reference desk! In fact, they respond verrrry positively when you treat them like regular people, because guess what? They ARE regular people! They're just dehumanized so frequently that they're traumatized.

Furthermore, autism isn't a mental illness (although being autistic often leads to mental illness due to how we're treated by society), but we are disabled by society's standards. Some people don't like to call autism a disability, but the social model of disability more or less does mean we're disabled. We're also highly stigmatized, and that's what the "evil" portrayals are perpetuating. To neurotypicals, we're too blunt and direct, too straightforward, too honest. They think we're being rude, but to us, their more passive, indirect communication style often seems rude and manipulative. They see our awkwardness and our unfamiliarity with social rules and our difficulties with speaking their language and they demonize it. We're ostracized, and people speak of us as if we're a plague and we need to be eliminated. They pity our parents and call us our parents' worst nightmare (instead of, you know, having a stillborn, or having a kid develop cancer, or something actually horrible like that). Instead of the supports we need to thrive, we're given stigma and trauma.

So to see a character with traits like ours, thriving and happy, means the world to us. We don't get that very often. Portrayals of us in the media are often made to be objects of pity or something to laugh at. But seeing Ingo and Emmet, who are not explicitly stated to be autistic but have a lot of autistic traits (making them autistic-coded), being happy and leading fulfilling lives...that is incredibly important for autistic people to see. Our traits are not demonized or mocked here. These characters are allowed to just 'be,' and that is so incredibly important for us.

So to go into the tags and see all of this "villain" stuff, or portrayals where the more obviously autistic-coded twin is "deranged" or "unhinged," plays into the stereotypes people have about us and it really, really hurts, which is why I haven't been in the tags in months - I can't watch myself being dehumanized anymore. I've spent my whole life trying to find my place in a world that hates me. I was so happy to find characters who were just like me who were happy and successful and allowed to be themselves, and the fandom post-PLA ripped that extremely healing space from me and other autistic people.

Sorry for going on a long ramble again, but this has actively negatively impacted my mental health - knowing that’s how so many people still see me and people like me despite the progress we’ve made in the decade plus that I’ve been part of the autistic rights movement really cuts deep and makes me worry that fundamentally on some level I actually am a bad person.

#replies #actuallyautistic #autism #Pokemon #Submas #mental health #fandom ableism

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summeroffice · 6 months

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youtube

Radio NV with Oleksiy Tarasov

16:33 Listen, just so that we have time for everything because there are a lot of questions for you, unfortunately, it is not so often possible to talk on our broadcasts. Of course you know when we discussed this publication in Time magazine, there were many assumptions about who could have said that, who are these unnamed sources? Many people have speculated that it might be the former adviser to the Office of the President, Oleksiy Arestovych who said something like that. But I still have to ask you about Mr Arestovych because we see such a very big transformation.

We remember that at the beginning of the large-scale invasion he was very loyal to the Office of the President, to President Zelenskyy, performed his functions, including to ensure that there were no panicky moods among Ukrainians. Now we see a very sharp change. Even in this publication in Time Mr Arestovych commented that at first someone behaves like a dictator and so on and so on, eventually it bears fruit to massive corruption. What happened between the Office of the President and Oleksiy Arestovych?

Nothing happened, let me give my position, my position is simple enough, my position is that today we are in time of war, and we still need to leave our personal ambitions aside for the time being. Well, that is, even though you understand everything and know everything and know exactly how to manage the country, well, let's start with the war first and then everything else. Well, that is, ambitions should come second, unfortunately not everyone understands this, it seems to me, and secondly, this is such a huge false start which will cause a lot of damage to Ukraine exactly as the concept of the state is not there.

Not specifically to someone, to the President or the Office of the President but to the concept of the state because by all means all statements which in one way or another talk about weakness of the political leadership or military leadership or that we were doing something wrong in Bakhmut or we are doing it wrong in the Avdiivka direction and so on it all causes fundamental damage to two things, first - these are additional trump cards for the Russian propaganda. Well, you know, I will turn to Russian propaganda briefly to be clear, and the second is that this weakens the position of support for Ukraine on foreign markets. It is not entirely clear why is a person doing exactly this today because one could wait for certain, let's say, political opportunities in the future and after that--

That is, it is a false start of the presidential campaign of Oleksiy Arestovych?

Let's call a spade a spade. I think that it is necessary to pay less attention to this, I'll just give the following advice, look, there are simple things that we should focus on. I understand that we will be guilty of everything. We are guilty today and will be guilty later. For example, I sincerely believe that it will be necessary to answer sufficiently difficult questions and after the war we will be ready to respond and bear a certain responsibility, again including politically but still today the priority is the war. The priority is that there is no need to further depress our society. Well, it is not necessary to say that everyone is stupid, and I am all in white, right. There is no need to insult the military and political leadership.

Not in terms on criticism. You and I understand that it is impossible not to criticise because this is a normal process, right, but it is not necessary to use compromising material or just offend with some words and so on and so forth. These are obvious things, and the fourth, you definitely don't need to play the game that the Russian Federation really likes. Why? And here I move on to exactly what I said about Russian propaganda. What is Russia today?

Yes, is very important for Russia to find something that will give them a feeling that is not pessimistic, but rather optimistic, that they still have a chance because today Russia understands that it is an outcast, right, that they are definitely destroying 37 planes every day, but everyone understands that already on February 24, 2022 they destroyed all the air forces of Ukraine, right, and so on.

And for them, exactly our inner, this classic Ukrainian political compromising material even during the war, this is exactly the hope that they will cherish, right, and they will use it. And they will say, let's push them a little more and they will begin to destroy themselves internally, they will start to destroy themselves and then we will push them, let's wait and get what we want. That is, today the price of the question is much higher. I emphasise once again; this does not mean that you don't need to criticise. It's not the time.

Now someone will say that Podolyak said that there is no need to criticise. No. Let's talk about corruption, let's talk about efficiency, let's talk about functionality. Let's talk about what needs to be done. But the connotation of it, how do you do it, why do you do it, motivation, why you do it, this is necessary, but not the motivation that I want to be the president tomorrow or I want to enter the parliament and so on and so forth. It seems to me that here we need to keep this limit a little, until the end of the war. After that, we will definitely answer all the difficult questions and so on.

Mr Arestovych says that he wants elections right now and is drowning for it [is it an idiom for wanting it very much?]. But I'm sure that you, well, maybe not you personally but definitely in the President's Office there was some communication. Is it really not possible to convey it, he seems to be a smart enough person to understand what he's doing. That is, was there this kind of communication with him to call back his dogs?

22:09 Mr Oleksiy, you and I are in Ukraine. Well, there are many smart people here. You talk with many people and explain that this is not possible today, that is, change priorities a little, please, but even smart people sometimes put their ambitions higher than other motivations. And it is not always possible to explain obvious things. Not always.

And it will continue. We will be in this complex environment. There will be many more depressing articles. There will be much more talk about the fact that there is fatigue from Ukraine, there will be talk about the fact that the Middle East is taking more weapons, there will be talk about the fact that there are ineffective untimely decisions, that the war could be fought differently, that a different kind of mobilisation should be carried out, and something else, and so on and so forth. And of course Russia will also use all of this because it will feel that it will further demoralise Ukraine.

But you and I will not stop it, not with any direct, as you say, manual communication with someone, we will not do it. We will have to come to you publicly like this, you will ask, I will say, it is wrong, it cannot be done today. You want elections, but wait until the moment of the elections, because today any such publication will be scaled only for the sake of one goal. For the additional demoralisation of Ukrainian society which is already 20 months in war. You understand what a difficult psycho-emotional state Ukrainian society is in today, so we have to be careful not to annoy our own people so that they feel at the subconscious level, they feel that there are some mistakes somewhere and so on and so forth.

We have to work with it, again, we have to explain. Yes, the system is not perfect, there are no perfect solutions, there are also management problems and so on. But you have to be careful in order not to lose this main thing, belief in yourself. That's why when you ask me whether it's possible to phone and ask him to take back his dogs, what will he do?

I'm not only talking about Mr Arestovych, I'm talking about anyone. They'll write it down on the phone. Well, one way or the other. And then they'll print it and say, look, Podolyak is calling and saying, come on, don't do it. And they'll add to it, as I have repeatedly seen, what I will not say, but they will say that this is an interference with their rights and freedoms, so it is easier for me, I will return to the principal points that I profess regarding working with the media.

It is easier for me to do three things. First, not to comment anonymously, everything by your last name, second, go on the air, including to you, speaking and answering to difficult questions. If I don't know the answers, I say, if you want to understand in more detail about the brother of Mr Shurma, [speak?] with Shurma, he goes to communications?, we have spoken about it with him, it has been repeatedly said, I've told many people about the fact that it is necessary to communicate, even though there will be difficult questions, because it gives you the opportunity to say the right positions.

And the third component is to be very, very careful about the moral state in which Ukrainian state is today. Once again, I emphasise that I'm ready after the war to answer for everything that we did rightly or wrongly. I think that many people in the Office of the President will be ready to answer for it, but today we have to go calmly - well, how calmly, this word is not right today at all - but we have to go to the end. About which it was written in "Time", and the president is fundamentally fixing this position, we have to end this war exclusively on the conditions of Ukraine. Everything else is the destruction of Ukraine, no matter what someone says.

Look, today I sometimes hear that if something was decided differently, there would be no war. No. Russia would attack Ukraine in any case. In 2014 it created a bridgehead for itself in order to once again rebuild Belarus 2.0 in Ukraine, I mean Lukashenka's Belarus 2.0 or even worse and so on. So we have to be conscious that we are hated and in any case would be attacked, and that is why everything we do today, including together with partners of course, who have their own internal discussions, quite difficult discussions, because again, there are many people who do not understand the nature of this war but they want to have their own political opportunities in other countries, right. Yes, everything is difficult, but we are working on it, and in my opinion, the situation today is radically different from the one that existed before the full-scale invasion of Russia into Ukraine.

#mykhailo podolyak #oleksiy tarasov #interview #Youtube

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firestormdiaries · 1 year

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Dis

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS DIRECTED AT SPECIFIC PPL CAUSE ITS MY LAST SAFE PLACE TO VENT and if you know great if you don't keep scrolling cuz it's gonna be butthurt stuff. You were warned.

Friends and family really he out here forgetting what bipolar manic depressive means and that when I said I'm off my meds cuz not wanting side effects reactions forgot what a manic anger or depressive episode are like and are back on the same bs like it's the first time encountering this.

Like really. You've known me for how long and know how I act medicated and not medicated.

And all my efforts to try and keep from lashing out mean shit

Mkay.

You don't care

Neither do i

You're a pathetic existence for a human being. Stop making me watch my friends show their disloyalties by cutting each other off instead of using the brain they have and thinking hey this person doesn't normally act this way or do this something must be wrong

Nah, I'm just a psychotic bitch being hateful

Nevermind the fact I'm still grieving family dying, dealing with my guts literally trying to come out and cause death and still maintain my composure for your delicate sensibilities and feeeeelings cause I'm so fucking considerate of everyone

Nah. Consider this, you're a shite human being. I put you through this? Riiiight, 13 years of mental and emotional trauma and asking for basic standards from you only to be given gaslighting and victim shit

Right.

Ok well here's me making an emotional hurricane lexia to ruin everything for everyone. No one has a good day today

Don't push someone already way past their limit who has CLEARLY communicated this and has BEEN COMMUNICATING THIS for you to suddey be taken by surprise

This is beyond fuck around and find out you do e found out and Karma is pounding you.

But you're too oblivious to know

Gd. I knew if I stopped maintaining for everyone shit would fall apart. Fuck.

Time to learn by experience

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delusion-of-negation · 2 years

Note

1 Yes, thank u for understanding! I have an example of Neg-Pos: I was explaining I was having some bad days and was just dealing w/ it, after someone asked in a server why I was so quiet. Someone started sending a bunch of "Tomorrow is another day to try!" "You've made it this far, you can do it!" with those "cute" animals with pastel backgrounds, it honestly made me feel worse, esp since I don't know how to react. It feels awkward and like I have to force a "smile" so they finally stop. A

2 personal example of Tox-pos was me just wanting to do nothing, and someone tried to "cheer me up" and when I didn't react as they wanted, they basically guilt tripped me and continued pushing. I tried to pretend I was "better" but they didn't stop, and it lead to me just having a worse time after because I felt actually guilty on top of my already existing issue. I wish people would realise we all have different ways to deal with our lives, and some times it's not rainbow and sparkle

(my tumblr is playing up, the above is the second part of the ask)

prev ask

yeah, I definitely feel those vibes when people send all that "you can try again tomorrow!" stuff, when it's just like... yeah, no shit, that was the plan for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the- and guess what, I'm probably gonna fail at all those too. and now I just feel worse. if that makes sense? that's how it makes me feel anyway. it's just a reminder that time will keep ticking on, and I'll keep getting sicker, and it'll keep getting harder to do each day. it normally causes that. not always. when it's presented right, when it's funny or something, then it can either be somewhat uplifting or funny enough for that to not matter, or it can have a good nugget of advice nestled in there in a different way (like that tiktok I shared earlier about how some days just fucking suck and you shouldn't always try to make them good days, you can just go home and chill, that part spoke to me even if the "try again tomorrow" part didn't feel like my cup of tea). it's especially awkward in social situations, where telling people to stop is met with anything from bitterness to anger to demands that you justify why it's uncomfy to you - like that person I mentioned, and not being explicit means they can keep projecting their stuff onto it and assuming it's depression or something. it's exhausting to navigate that awkwardness. I always try to be careful with how I word reassurances to people, that I'm building off whatever they said and trying to work within any comfort levels they have and providing outs - I rolled a cigarette before talking to a celebrity-ish person I met recently, so I could say "I do need this soon" and they'd know they could say "I won't keep you" and I'd leave, if they didn't wanna keep talking, and they did want to keep talking and we kept talking, but I feel like doing little things like that, so that people can always kick you out of a conversation or change your direction without feeling like it's going to be taken badly, was one of the best pieces of advice I ever heard (specifically to always give people a polite out, with a non-urgent activity you could be doing right now, so you're not saying something that's like "I have to go now", but they also can politely let you leave at any point with no pressure, and the same applies to a specific topic or direction of conversation, and a lot of people sort of subconsciously do it, that's why "well, I won't keep you!" is such a common phrase, but hearing it spelled out like that helped me do it right). now when I'm talking to people, I know they want to be there because they've had zero pressure opportunities to exit the conversation. sorry that got a bit off topic, but I'm just providing an alternative to the high pressure situation of having to ask someone to tone down some kind of unhelpful "positivity" attempt, hoping people will listen to it.

the toxic positivity, while a varied term that gets used a lot online, that you described here is something I've experienced a lot, or all sorts of events like that (like the person I previously mentioned), and it's really stressful. especially the part where they don't stop or they demand detailed reasons for why they should or whatever, and you have to navigate this weird social situation with somebody who's upsetting you, when you already felt awful to begin with. I also wish people knew what you said, and that people knew that sometimes you don't wanna share the personal details of why the thing is hurting you, or how you feel rn, or what's wrong with you, you just want them to take you at your word and drop the topic.

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lollypopsx · 3 years

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Flatmate!Harry: I'll Make It Up To You - Part 2

Please like if it’s not too shabby, reblog for anyone who may enjoy this and follow if you want to see more! Any suggestions are happily taken for future writing! I love you all! be safe and be kind x

Warnings: Hints of depression and anxiety

Part 1 - Part 3

—————————

Days had passed since the audition, and while you were sat on your laptop every hour searching for new jobs, new projects, more auditions and pure hope of some miracle, you couldn't help but starting to feel like you were failing slightly.

You liked to write happy songs and create stories using your music, but you were finding it harder to find the inspiration. Usually you and Harry would sit and talk ideas for hours, but since he made you miss your audition, you were distant from him, it was only the last day or two that you had been getting slowly back to normal.

Every day since the incident when Harry came home after working at the studio, he would open the curtains to make sure you had fresh air and daylight after cooping yourself up on the sofa all day, in the dimly lit living room. Not only that, he would check the cupboards, fridge and the sink to check that you were eating enough. He had seen you stressed and upset before. He had been there through some difficult moments in your life, and had always been your rock throughout the years, especially when your mental health was struggling during these times. But this time was worse. He couldn't help being concerned for someone he loved and cared for.

"Hey pumpkin..." He whispers softly, settling himself down beside you after completing his daily routine "Have you done much today?" he gently combs his fingers through your hair before dropping his arm round your shoulders.

You just sigh softly, looking ahead blankly at the quiet TV, simply shaking your head. If only he could see what was going on in that pretty mind of yours then maybe he could make everything better.

"I see you used the piano and the guitar today though..." he states, although it came out more like a question.

Minutes of silence filled the room until out of the blue, some words left your lips. "...Adam came to get the ring today" you whisper, feeling the tears brim your eyes once again, for what felt like the millionth time today.

"Oh darling" He frowns, pulling you into his chest tightly, just like he did the night you found out your (now ex-) boyfriend, Adam, was cheating on you. Unfortunately, you happened to find out minutes before he proposed to you, in front of all of your friends, including Harry. You didn't know what to do, so you took the ring, said you'd think about it and you left him standing alone. This all happened months ago, and you really thought that you was totally over it.

"Everything that's happened this week...I-I just...I feel like such a failure Haz. It just feels like I...I-I'm falling...falling apart and nothings going right! Why isn’t anything going right! I can’t even write one stupid song that makes sense" you let out hard sobs as your hands fisted his clean white t-shirt.

"No...no, no, no don't say that...please don't ever say that." He frowns, pulling away from you, but still staying close. His warm hands press against your cheeks as he lifts your face gently "hey, hey look at me" he whispers, begging you to look at him.

Your sad wide eyes flickered up into his, gentle tears falling down your face. "I know...I know it's hard at the moment. But everything happens for a reason. And everything will get better...I know it will. Do you trust me?" He whispers, his eyes gazing deep into yours, almost like if he looked hard enough, he could read your mind.

You give a hesitant nod as he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead before wiping the tears dampening your cheeks. Being affectionate together wasn't anything unusual for the two of you, you really were the best of friends.

"I'll go make some dinner okay? Pasta sound good?" You just nod your head gently at him as he leaves your side. You let out a deep sigh and head over to the living room window, watching the sunrise beginning to set over the busy London town. "So...how's the studio going?" You ask him curiously, your gaze still at the window.

"I erm..." He clutters around in the kitchen. His job was a topic he had been avoiding for the last few days. He didn't want to rub it in that he was busy writing an album for millions of fans, who would be screaming his lyrics back to him all over the world in years to come. "It's...good. I mean, its tiring but I...yeah. It's good" He nods.

"H, you don't have to avoid it. I forgive you for what happened. I know you would never have done it out of spite...and you deserve your life style, you work hard!" You say as you head into the kitchen, re-filling the water in the vase on the table, your vibrant roses and lilies still looking as beautiful as the first day Harry bought them for you.

"You work hard too!" He frowns softly "Harry I don't think moping around on the sofa, drowning in my sorrows, is the definition of working hard" You let out a gentle chuckle.

"So...how's it really going?" You hop up onto the stool beside the kitchen counter.

"Well, we have 4 songs so far...and they are...different to the last album. I mean they reckon three of them will be on the pop charts...maybe even a number one slot there" He sighs softly.

"Oh wow, that does sound different to before...and you...don't want that?" You ask curiously, judging by the lack of excitement. "Well...it's not that. I just...it's hard to write another album when the last one did well, and you have to make sure it's better than the last one." He sighs softly as he cooks. "They want me to write some slower, more emotional songs. I just can't...well the words don't fit right. I'm just not feeling emotional about anything, so I don't know where to get the emotion from"

"Well you can't put a price on emotion Haz, you can't just go and buy it in Gucci. You have to really feel it. Even if you aren't thinking about something specific or direct to you. I used to find that sometimes when I was trying to write, I'd create these characters in my head, and I'd give them all these different stories and personalities. And I...I used that to really help me write music. It's not easy." You explain while getting two of the plates from the cupboard and pouring two drinks for the table.

"You used to? You mean you don't use that method anymore?" He asks curiously, while giving the pasta one final stir.

"I...I think I've decided that I'm not going to write music anymore" You shrug softly, your eyes unable to life to his. "I need a proper job. And things aren't going well with auditions lately and I make a total fool out of myself every time I go into a meeting. It's time I looked for a proper job. Besides, the price of bills in this house keeps going up and up."

"What?! Y/N you're so good at writing songs and music! You can't throw it all away now! That is your proper job. And I love hearing what you write, it inspires my own stuff!" He frowns, his brow furrowing, trying to understand you. "Think of all the songs no one will get to hear"

"No one hears them anyway...It's different now. The entertainment industry is changing more and more by the day. Maybe the stuff I write just isn't as trendy anymore." It was difficult for you to admit, but you knew you had to accept it.

"There's a fine line between us Styles, because the difference is, you're already there. You have the whole world in your hands Haz, you can go anywhere and do anything. You could sing a song to a fish and the whole world would be adored by you still! If I did something like that...I'd be laughed out of every interview, audition and meeting for the rest of my life. But we’ll be alright" You smile and shrug, your mood had certainly been hit and miss the last few days, but you knew you had to carry on with your life.

—————————

“Hey Y/N come here!” Harry calls from the living room. You were currently in your room, scrolling through your Instagram, while in a pasta coma after dinner. You rush over to the living room “What’s up?” You ask, seeing him sat at the gleaming white piano, which as always was sat under the window.

“What do you think?” He starts to play a few notes on the piano, looking between the scruffy paper notes cluttering the top of the piano and his hands.

“Can’t put a price on emotion...it’s something that you just can’t buy...you...you’ve got my devotion...but....but” He sighs softly, playing around with the notes and the wording on his notes.

You smile softly as you recognise his acknowledgment of your earlier conversation “...but man, I can hate you sometimes” you sing gently, testing to see how it could fit.

“Hey that’s mean! Why would you say that!” He fakes a pout up at you “I thought we- hey actually...you’re right! That really fits!” He chuckles, pulling you onto the stool beside him. “Can you try a G chord, B chord and....lets try a C...” You nod and smile as your fingers gloss over the keys effortlessly, while Harry fits the verse together and tries to find the right tempo.

“Wait...it doesn’t sound right. Maybe lets try a D instead of C?” You suggest as you re-try, playing those three chords over and over again.

“You...are...a genius!” He grins and wraps his arms around your waist. ”Keep going!” He smirks, pushing more lyrics in front of you. Sometimes having a fresh pair of eyes really helped...or perhaps he just wanted to prove that you had talent.

You peer down at the pages upon pages of words flooding your view. “...I don’t want to fight with you....and I...and I don’t like to sleep in the dark...we’ll get the drinks in...I...I can’t stop thinking of her...”

Harrys fingers join yours at the piano “We’ll be a fine line....We’ll be a fine line...”He smiles softly as he taps on a few random keys.

You pull your fingers away gently “It...your song sounds...really good H. It’s beautiful actually.”

“You mean our song...” He whispers.

“Harry no, it’s your song, all the pieces, I just put your jigsaw together” You smile. “I know how it is writing songs and the first draft is never the same as the final version. You might decide to change it all completely” You whisper.

“Not with your lyrical genius ability and words of wisdom...your name will be all over this track” You felt a shock of electricity ripple through your veins as you felt his eyes burning into yours. His lips pressed gently against your forehead, lingering against your skin longer than usual. That sort of affection was normal from your best friend...so why did it just feel like something completely different? And what did he mean about my name being all over the track?

—————————

Tag List: @harryhoney-bee - @sunandherflores - @sad-capuccino

#harry styles #harry styles imagine #one shot #hslot #flatmate!harry #roommate!harry #fine line #lollypopsx #fanfic #imagine #request #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #Harry styles fluff

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prof-peach · 3 years

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Hello there.. My name is Ranny and I saw Pokemon matchups are open.

I read somewhere among your posts that Ghost types could be good for little exposure to the outside? I could be mistaken, but I'll leave it to the expert.

I feel I'm quite.. difficult.. to matchup with and I can't think of something myself, I don't want to hinder any Pokemon's growth with my circumstances.. which I should probably explain? I guess I don't need to go into too much detail but I have a lot of anxiety and depression, social anxieties and ptsd (very reactive to things moving too fast above me). I have fluctuating agoraphobia also, when at a severe level being too close to windows and doors will trigger panic attacks.. I have mobility issues down to Fibromyalgia, communication and management difficulties due to Autism, and I have a hard time concentrating or get lost in hyperfocussing down to ADHD..

I'm very introverted, an INFJ personality, but I do get lonely, very lonely. My depression pretty much has me feeling low more often than not but also pretty hopeless in finding a Pokemon friend, partner, companion, or anything that won't ultimately become hindered by my existence..

Any shred of hope I have of finding someone, even if just the right direction toward one, has been poured into this.. But ultimately, please don't feel too bad if you can't think of any or don't have any available.

I have seen many specialists for my mental and physical health too, it's a painfully slow process, I just thought some company might help the journey perhaps..

Fingers crossed, huh?

Many kind regards, Ranny

The right thing you did here was explain. I’m able to give you a far more accurate suggestion because of that, so thank you for being honest about what you need a Pokemon for, aside from good company.

You’re not wrong, finding a Pokemon must have been hard for you, no one individual Pokemon could cover all the bases. That being said, a group of three low impact species could indeed help you here.

Because your situation is so specific, there’s a little less wiggle room on what you could get away with keeping, but for sure you have some choices.

So first off, emotional help, shuppet. A Pokemon happy to be indoors, often willing to help those who show them love. They’ll help regulate the moods, keep you calmer, happier, and overall more freed up to handle other things. The feelings of anxiety and depression are exhausting, You know that, but without that constant background noise of it all, you’ll have a lot more energy and opportunity to enjoy more things. In serious cases, even two shuppet would help, so talk to your doctor and also the pokecentres near you about this. This of course can be done over the phone or online, if it suits you better. Shuppet are underrated, and have high populations in the wild, I don’t know why folks overlook them, perhaps the dex entries around the species spook them. Either way, can’t suggest better than them.

Second up, indoor happy psychic types. The psychic lines are adept at aiding day to day, if you hurt and can’t reach something, or you feel tired and can’t get up to deal with going to the bathroom or something, they’re more than capable of using telekinetic powers to assist your movements, even in the bad days. Some are fully able to learn how to help regulate moods too, predicting panic attacks for their trainers, using various methods to help you before things get too stressful, or even dangerous. They also regulate brain waves, so your autism may feel a little easier to manage the longer you spend with a psychic partner. It’s proven most psychic types will do this automatically, to aid their human family day to day.

My top psychic pokemon picks for you:

solosis - a Pokemon that can and does exist in the vacuum of space, they don’t require food like average Pokemon, and have a very upbeat outlook on things more often than not, thrive indoors, so long as they get enrichment and company.

Espurr - correctly trained these Pokemon can also double up as a really good buddy for those who feel calmer when petting or brushing fur. They can be great loving companions, but also are notoriously happy entertaining themselves should you be busy, and find the life of an indoor Pokemon quite agreeable sometimes.

If I was in your position, and I felt like I could afford and handle three, I would get all three Pokemon I suggested. This gives them days off, time to relax, and breaks from the duties of a support Pokemon. Everything needs time out, so having a care rotor will allow them to plan for time out, to do things they enjoy too.

You’ll have to take this list to your local adoption centre, or even lab/professor, and they will help to put you on a waiting list for the correct species you decide upon in the end. You can’t just go and catch one from the wild in this case, these Pokemon all need very intense and specific lessons to help them be the best aids to you. The facility that eventually helps you find a set of partners will then try to match your personality to those of the support Pokemon then have ready to be rehomed. Get ready for a few visits to the facilities, to meet potential matches, but it’s well worth it. The company and love Pokemon give us is proven to aid in mood, and wellbeing. I think it’d really do you well to take at least a shuppet on.

Be aware, when possible it’s still nice for these Pokemon to go outside, even if you don’t. If you have access to a yard, or a shared garden, try to let them have time in the sun when possible if they are interested. Socialising them is also advised, even if only with friends and family’s Pokemon, send them with trusted individuals to the shops, just to take a break from the house, you know, normal junk like that.

The facility that will eventually assign you a partner will make sure to pick individuals who suit your lifestyle as best as possible, so you shouldn’t end up with a partner who isn’t ok with the conditions you’ve set out.

Do not lose hope, there’s a combo out there for everyone, and I think this set is a good one for you from what you’ve told me. Hopefully you can move forward and make some neat friends!

#pokemon #prof.peach #peach talks #good luck buddy

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subwaysurf45 · 3 years

Text

Winter Makes Ice (Ep.1)

Summary: you’re captured after a brawl at the Avengers building, Bucky and others must save you before Hydra makes a new Winter Soldier out of you, Bucky has given up that title.

Episode: One

Words: 3948

Warning: depiction/description of violence, kidnapping, killing, PTSD, depression.

A/N: I will be making a masterlist for this specific series!

Masterlist!

Winter Makes Ice (series masterlist)

Time: 1:36pm

Date: September 23rd, 2024

“Bucky, I swear to fucking god-” You threw the person you just knocked out onto the ground of the common room, “you have to get out of here, It’s you or this entire building!” Bucky gave you a sympathetic look as you fought off Hydra agents, your gun fired three shots behind you to another agent you sensed running up.

“But I can’t leave you!” Bucky screamed back over the fire and bullets, Hydra agents were running in from every which way. The smoke rising made it harder for him to see you and Sam, who was also there a couple seconds ago. Everyone else was trying to stop the agents from the outside or other levels. It was a complete break-in.

“Fuck all that Bucky, I love you but I can’t love you if you’re dead- Fuck!” You screamed in pure anger as you began hand to hand combat with an agent, he wasn’t good at all so it was a quick take down. “James!” you looked over to just see him standing there, his eyes were watery from the pain and smoke, “you need to fucking leave! Run!” you shouted, waving him off.

“I love you!” He yelled over, hands cupping his mouth to make sure you heard him.

“I’ll tell you I love you after this, we’ll be okay,” you looked over your shoulder to find three new agents running in, their eyes weren’t even looking at you. You looked back to find Bucky still standing there, “fucking run!” Your throat felt raw, all the screaming and fighting was taking a massive toll on you.

Bucky took off in the other direction, the fire was subsiding as he got further from you. The serum gave him lungs like no other, so running through fire and smoke was easy. With a frantic mind and tunnel vision his left and right mixed up, all Bucky was trying to find was an exit and it should’ve been easy but he’d turn back after remembering this wasn’t the right hallway. His hand was gripped tightly on his gun while the metal hand held a knife firmly, after getting his mind back he found he could throw better with his left and shoot with his right- his dominant hand is right anyway.

“Anyone on their com?” Everyone had quickly shoved theirs in during the start of the ambush; half the SHIELD agents weren’t wearing their tactical gear.

“Rogers is here,” Steve ended his sentence with a grunt.

“So is Romanoff,” Nat sounded a bit more composed but still out of breath.

“y/n is down on the main floor, she told me to run because all they’re after is me, someone needs to go down and help her,” he received a few confirmations before focusing back to the task at hand. The bright light of the afternoon sun blinded him for a second, with all the lights shutting off and the smoke it made it seem like it was night. Bucky reached up to rub his eyes to help adjust to the sun but ended up just rubbing smoke and fumes into them, “fuck!” He stumbled back against the closed door as he used his shirt to rub his eyes but that was also covered in his smoke.

Bucky reached back and grabbed a completely full water jug that was the size of his palm, Bucky could feel his heart shatter as his eyes cleared because it was you who- only a matter of hours ago -was leading a very relaxed meeting about these water bottles, ‘you need to hydrate to stay on your feet’ you had said a couple times. His mind was as clear as his eyes, the way you were screaming at him to leave, the way you stood directly between him and the Hydra agents so they had to shoot through you to get him, the way you kept looking back to him with tears in your eyes because all you wanted was for him to stay but you knew better and sent him away. The tears mixed with the water as he sprayed his face, the smoke clung to his sweat like he did to you after a nightmare. The entire Avengers building was slowly caving in on itself, he could feel his heart lurch with every new piece of the building fall on the inside, he just hoped it didn’t hit you.

He kept walking further from what he once called home, trying to get a better view of it all. He wanted to look away because he felt like all at once the building could crumble to pieces and consume you with it, there was no saving the building; and quite possibly you.

“Wh-gent-hu?” Bucky had walked too far away from the building and the coms, all of them were close to low battery because of the last mission. Bucky ran towards the building and couldn’t see anyone on the roof, but as he ran closer the clearer the coms got. “Where-agent-I can’t-what is happ-sto-!” It was three different voices screaming together at once, Bucky whipped the doors open and saw just how much the inside changed.

The walls weren’t a sophisticated grey anymore but rather charred and black, there was no roof, at all. Bucky ran into the common room to find everyone looking under fallen planks and bars of steel, he started lifting them too. Everyone was running around and screaming at eachother, everyone had a different level of injury. Steve was throwing support beams like nothing, Bucky ran over. “Who are we looking for, Steve?”

Steve just looked at Bucky with tears falling down his face, his skin was brown with dirt but his tears left trails down his skin. “Bucky, man, I’m sorry…” Steve sniffled and covered his mouth. Natasha had walked over, her hands were shaking and clutching something close to her heart.

“I think we have our answer,” Nat cried and handed Bucky the water bottles you introduced.

“Who’s-” he was cut off when Bucky flipped the bottle to check the bottom, and there in your hand writing was your name, and a little heart next to it.

Bucky felt as though his soul had just left his body, everyone was getting close to giving up the search for you. If your body would be found it would be a miracle for you to still be alive, your lungs would have been fried due to the smoke and a pillar could crush you like it was nothing. Sparks flew off of snapped electrical that could be electrocuting you at this moment, small fires still burned which could be living off our ashes, any of the pure destruction could be killing you. And yet people were giving up, by the look on Steve’s face Bucky knew he should as well.

Time: 11:45am

Date: September 23rd, 2024

“So you’re saying we have little squirt bottles, this is fucking great!” Sam laughed, he looked at the clear bottle that was shaped into a big teardrop, the kind marathon runners keep on their belt. He pulled a sharpie out of his pocket and wrote his name.

You sat next to Bucky who was still feeling the effects of the last mission, it was at a Hydra base to just get intel but even then, it was still hard. Everyone got back a day ago and decided to push the debrief for the next day because of the shared exhaustion. Bucky slept for twelve hours because of it.

“Do you like them?” you asked, referencing the bottles, you both held yours as you waited for the marker to be passed to you.

“Anything you do, I like, sweetheart.” Bucky pulled you into his side and cuddled with you for a bit, he had always found your touch was a good way to stay grounded. Your heart beat could be felt anywhere, and Bucky would always try and match it. The marker was passed to you both and you wrote your names, a little heart found its home next to the last letter of your name, Bucky could only smile wide and shake his head and he took the marker and wrote his.

You and Bucky made your way back to your shared room before cuddling up in bed, a movie was thrown on and you both watched it as your eyes started to close. Bucky was awake, he kept looking down at your head on his shoulder to leave a little kiss, he’d always let his lips linger on the top of your head so he could smell your shampoo. Normally you were clinging to him for warmth but he could feel you were radiating heat, your sweater was actually his and the covers were tucked to you and Bucky got the edge, this wasn’t new for him. You were almost asleep but still every minute or so you’d subconsciously snuggle your cheek deeper into Bucky’s shoulder, small little circles in Bucky’s shoulder as you got more comfy.

Bucky ended up falling asleep too, it was weird when he would wake and realize how vulnerable he was to be asleep with you beside him and the door unlocked, he would smile at himself and make a mental note to bring it up to his therapist that he slept soundly again. Bucky probably could’ve gone the entire night but was woken up by a hard time breathing, something was caught in his throat so his cough woke him up. Then his dry cough woke you up, right away your nose turned up at the smell.

“Smells like burnt,” you said and stood up, a couple joints popping back into place.

“Ya, that’s what it was,” Bucky nodded, he pulled his shirt over his nose.

“Wanda needs to leave Nat alone with the cooking thing, Nat doesn’t like to cook so I don’t know why Wanda keeps bugging her, right?” you turned back to Bucky, he was nodding along. “Everyone has their thing, cooking isn’t Nat’s thing but that's fine,” you sighed, “I’m gonna actually talk to Wanda about-”

Three bangs landed right on your door, you jumped back from it and Bucky stood up. Two guns were pulled out of the bedside tables, Bucky tossed one of them to you. The banging went again and it wasn’t a friendly bang, you both knew this wasn’t one of your friends. The safety of the guns were both pulled back with a ticking sound, Bucky put his clip in his gun, you like to use a revolver and it was already ready. The top hinge blew off and the door slightly fell forward, the lights were off and the emergency ones gave little light, there was smoke crawling through the cracks in the door. Bucky had made his way to the other side of the bed to you, now you were both in front of the door.

“Who do you think it is?” You whispered to him, your shoulders rubbed against his with quick breathes.

“No idea,” Bucky muttered back, his lips barely moved.

The door busted down and because you both were ready the guy didn’t stand a chance, the intruder fell back in an instant at the rapid fire from the guns, the sound would be as loud as the banging on the door. The intruder wasn’t even ready to fire, his gun flipped out of his holster and slid a tiny bit on the tile floors before stopping. The emergency lights hit the silver gun perfectly, you noticed red on it but it didn’t look like blood, there was some type of symbol or branding on it. You slowly walked closer, your bare feet not giving away you were moving in case someone was waiting before the threshold of the door.

“Bucky…” you whispered and turned to him, “you gotta get out of here,” you slowly bent down and picked up the gun, the Hydra symbol was hard to see now that it was not getting any light. Bucky’s nostrils flared as a way to hide what he was feeling, his mouth opened to try and talk this through but the sounds of coughing, guns, and screams took its place.

You both ran to the common room, everyone was there, fighting an agent. Coming from a third angle you took out some of the agents with your gun, they didn’t see it coming; neither did Nat as she pointed her gun in your direction.

“They want their intel back, go to the computers!” Steve screamed, you turned and ran.

Bucky joined the fight in the common room, he kept looking back to see you getting smaller and smaller down the hall. All he had was his gun and a knife he picked up from his dresser, both were used as more and more Hydra agents ran in and came from the ceiling that was falling apart.

You turned quickly into the room, computers and wires everywhere. Your time was spent in the training room rather than here, but you logged in mission reports on the computers. Hard drives of every mission, every person, and every thing were connected everywhere. Tons of information that could give Hydra the upperhand, there were still hard drives you had just stolen from Hydra that no one had looked into yet. This was all they wanted, but it was weird to see how many agents were coming in and not making their way to the intel room. You stood on guard with your gun out and ready, you weren’t wearing anything protective so you stood behind an old computer that was yet to be thrown out.

A man walked in, he was tall and slim. Brown hair curled down to his shoulders and his eyes were a dark green, they pierced right through you. You were about to shoot but he just put out his hand, his index finger coming up and wagging you off. “I wouldn’t do that,” he warned, his voice was like gravel.

“Why not?” You grunted, finger ready on the trigger.

He didn’t even reach for his gun, his hands out in front of him. “Because, you’d never shoot the messenger, would you?” His hands lowered but he kept them out. You slowly lowered your gun but kept your hands ready, fingers still holding the trigger. “I came on my own terms, no leader sent me,” He added and pulled a chair out.

“Out with it, I don’t need your cryptic bullshit!” your gun was raised again, “hands up!”

He raised them, “we don’t want intel.”

“What?”

“You stole our intel, that’s fine.” his nose stuffed up, “but you steal our weapon, rid him of his purpose...then we have an issue.”

“He’s not a weapon!” you knew exactly who they were talking about, “and we didn’t steal him, we saved him, we saved Bucky!” you yelled again, tears gathering in your eyes.

The man sat back on his chair, “I don’t care at this point, none of us do, you either give us our Winter Soldier or we will burn this place to the ground.” He stood to size you up, “the message has been given, shoot me if you want, I heard humans are flammable so I’d help burn this place-”

The man's brain flew out and hit the walls, blood sprayed over you and the computers. His knees folded in and the hole in his head slammed against the floor, you should have let him suffer but he probably was working for Hydra, and that’s suffering everyday. The man’s skin whitened in a matter of seconds, all the blood rushing out of that one spot was getting near the electrical, so you ran back to the common room.

Bucky was there, “most of them went to the roof, we got it down here!” He screamed.

“They’re after you!” you yelled and shot a few agents down, “this isn’t intel, they want you Bucky!” The smoke was flying up and with all the fast movements, it was getting harder to see him, but you saw the metal arm in the reflection.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m staying here!” He stopped to reload, but you knocked someone down and turned to face him.

Bucky took off but as he ran away, right before you lost sight of him, an arm wrapped tightly around your neck. You couldn’t see a face but you heard a voice, “he’ll turn himself in if he knows we have you, now this will hurt.” the butt of a gun slammed your temple, all you saw was black.

Time: unknown

Date: unknown

Your head hurt so bad, right as you were waking up it was a pulsing ache everywhere from between your eyes to your neck. It felt like waves, for a moment the pressure would drop but then slowly crawl back in, nothing was rigid. In the room you found yourself in there wasn’t much to register, just a cell that was a little longer than arm's length and some black box on the ceiling, it wasn’t a light but it seemed to hold something. There was no bed as well, you were sat up against the wall in a corner. As you moved to look around your neck all the way down to your knees ached; not to mention the pressure building in your head. It felt like you had been struck in the back of the head even though you thought it was in your temple when you were knocked out, your hand cupped high on your neck, right where your hair started. There was a sting and you pulled away with a hiss, a few pieces of scab came with it.

There were no windows, no source of light to see what time it was. But the fact that whatever cut was made to the back of your head was a fully scabbed and not bleeding gave away you had been asleep for a bit, that almost made it worse.

“Welcome, Soldat,” a voice with an accent came through, it was one you couldn’t figure out. “It seems our other weapon got away, we were gifted you instead; we are happy about it no less.'' the voice was coming from a speaker in the top left corner, not the black box directly above you.

“Where am I?” your voice sounded like sandpaper.

“In your cell,” you could hear the smirk, “but you’re not in Avenger’s territory anymore, would you like to know where you are?” he didn’t wait for you to answer, “I’ll give it to you if you follow this simple task, would you mind getting on your knees?” the voice asked, you stayed still, “right, I forgot. Soldat, get on your knees.” right away your knees smashed into the concrete floor. “Would you look at that, how pretty?”

“What that fuck?” you gasped out, your hands folded neatly on your lap as you sat back on your calves.

“Now that we know your abilities, you’re in Iceland, Hydra gifted us you.”

“You’re not Hydra?” you asked, this time louder and looking at the speaker.

“Oh, we are Hydra.” the voice laughed, “just not how you think we are...”

Time: 9:59pm

Date: September 27th, 2024

Bucky didn’t know how long he’d been curled in his bed with the curtains drawn, there was no perception of time at all. All he did was cry, all day. His body ached and crumbled into itself more and more as time went on. Everyone was mourning the loss of a friend, but to Bucky it was a lover. He held the picture you framed after your first date as a couple, that was one of the first times Bucky had truly smiled.

You both went to a really nice restaurant and when you were finished you waiter offered to take a picture because they saw you getting self conscious when your arm was up to take a selfie. The both of you leaned over the table and close to one another, right before the picture was taken Bucky reached over and placed his metal hand over yours, allowing it to be seen in the picture. It was something he regretted but after you framed it and kept it on your side of the bed, Bucky looked at it everyday with a smile.

The picture was still in the frame but it wasn’t on the bedside anymore, rather pushed up against Bucky’s chest. He’d pull it away to look at you from time to time, after picturing all the good times with you, your face seemed to change and warp until it wasn’t you. Bucky would run his finger down the glass and try to imagine the feeling of your skin again, he’d lost almost everyone in his life, all he wanted was to feel you one last time if it really was your time to go. Your smile was so bright it lit up the pitch black room he was crying in, your smile and your personality could keep an entire country running for years.

He ran out of salty tears and all that was left was wheezing and rocking back and forth in his bed, the emotions were working him out, sweat lines the neck rim of his t-shirt, but he’d also use the neck line to wipe the tears that slipped past his nose and lips. They would roll down and hit his pillow, he had already flipped it to get a dry surface.

Steve walked in, he didn’t need to knock because he knew what’s coming. Steve had watched you and Bucky grow from barely speaking to napping on the couch for everyone to see, it took a while but Steve knew from the beginning that you were perfect for him. Steve brought Bucky a sandwich everyday at noon because he refused to eat dinner and breakfast. Some days he wouldn’t eat at all but noon seemed to be the best time for him to eat everything.

“Wanda made it today actually, she added some chips on the side and made it real nice, Buck,” Steve went to the windows and opened the blinds, he did that everyday but when he would come back 24 hours later they’d be closed. “I also have news, about y/n…”

Steve saw for the first time in four days Bucky sit up, he saw the grief fade and a small shred of hope appear.

A/n: if you want to be tagged in this series let me know through an ask or anything!

#bucky series #bucky barnes series #bucky #Bucky Barnes #Bucky angst #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader

329 notes · View notes

rezzyromance · 3 years

Note

What would happen if Heisenberg found reader’s diary?

What if said diary had a written confession of a crush/feelings?

I think he would be very giddy + cocky about it. He would tease reader making off handed comments with certain words she used in her diary to describe him until it clicked with her that he read it.

NSFW is not necessary but encouraged 🥴

Being greedy I’d like to see another prompt with the roles reversed - reader finds his diary.

Ps I love your writing 💕

Oh my god please this is so good.

NSFW +18 (CW: Sexual talk, but no actual sex. Nothing too specific.)

You closed your eyes and tilted your head back as your body relaxed, soaking in the hot water of a bath you made for yourself. The parts of the factory that you often roamed in were often cold, so it was nice to have a hot bath from time to time. As much as you were curious about the other parts of the factory, Karl made it clear to you that he didn't want you wandering around them. He wanted you to stick to the more "livable" parts of the factory like the bedroom, bathroom, and occasionally his office.

Your relationship with Karl was just a close friendship. You were someone who he felt like he could trust and you gave him company. While he only saw you as a good friend, you had regrettably grown feelings for him. Much more intimate feelings. Sleeping in his bedroom since there were no other bedrooms in the factory didn't help either. He didn't sleep often as he was too devoted to his work, but when he did it was often on the couch in his office. You felt bad practically stealing his bed from him, but his bed became a safe space for you as it still smelled like him.

After bathing yourself and relaxing a little bit longer, you pull the plug on the tub and begin to get out. Once you step out of the tub, you look around and realize something is missing. You forgot to grab a towel or clothes to change into. You groan and walk over to the bathroom door, opening it just enough for your voice to travel out of it more clearly. "KARL! KAAAARL!", you cry out for his attention. "WHAT?!", you hear his mumbled voice yell from his nearby office. "I FORGOT TO GRAB TOWELS AND CLOTHES FOR MY BATH. COULD YOU PLEASE GO GET ME SOME?", you ask. The air was dead silent, but you know he was groaning quietly to himself. "FINE!", he exits his office and you hear as he moves towards the bedroom. You then walk back over and sit in the now empty tub, patiently waiting for him.

He grumbled the entire way to the room. He hated being interrupted, but he knew if he didn't help now then you would just continue to beg. He goes into what used to be his bedroom and rummages around, looking for some clothes to get you. He tried not to think about how weird it was that he was digging through your belongings. He found a warm looking sweater that was on top of a chair. When he pulled it from the chair, something fell and hit his boot. He looked down to see a book. A diary. He chuckled slightly to himself when he realized you had a diary.

He reached down and picked it up, contemplating on whether or not he should put it back or snoop even further. He always did wonder why you stick around the factory. While the living area of it is safer than outside, it seemed like a depressing life to live, roaming only a few rooms in a large factory with little interaction. But still, you stuck around and seemed to almost enjoy it. He begins to open the diary, hoping to find some answers to his questions.

"Tonight is my first night spent in the Heisenberg factory. The factory itself is quite intimidating, but intriguing. To think that Karl built this army all by himself. He's so smart, I hope my presence doesn't drag down his success... and he's letting me sleep in his bed. He said he doesn't sleep much to begin with, but I feel a little bad like I'm intruding or something. Oh well."

He chuckles. The comment "He's so smart" slowly goes to his head, inflating his ego. He turns a couple more pages and continues to read.

"Today, I was bored and lonely. Karl usually says to not interrupt his work, but he was just in the office space. I thought maybe I wouldn't be too much of a distraction if I just popped in. What I didn't know was that before I entered, he had been recently doing some metal work in the hotter parts of the factory. The last thing I was expecting was to open to door and see him shirtless and sweaty. I couldn't move. He had this look in his eye that expressed his frustration, but it almost look animalistic.. like a predator viewing it's prey. I can't get the image out of my head, but I really don't mind."

He remembers that day. He was frustrated about you interrupting his work, but had no idea you were so flustered about him being shirtless. Animalistic? The words seem so sexual in a way. Could you be insinuating some sort of attraction? He flips through some more pages.

"While Karl does have powers to control metal, he still does his fair share of labor work. Today, he let me follow him around the factory while he worked because I told him how I was bored recently. I didn't think he'd actually let me join him. Could he possibly have grown some sort of attachment to me? It seems so out of the ordinary for him to agree to something like that. Maybe I'm just letting my hopes get the best of me. Either way, I couldn't help but notice the way he grunts when he's doing strenuous work. They made my mind wander. And I couldn't stop staring at his arms as he works. His muscles and veins bulge out of his strong arms whenever he handles something heavy. I just couldn't stop thinking about how sexy he looked. I hope he didn't notice."

He was shocked by the words, but a grin grew on his face as he processed them. He never realized how infatuated you were with him. The concept began to make him feel powerful. He continued to snoop.

"Last night, Karl made some sort of huge achievement in his inventions. I've never seen him so excited. He laughed so loud and it made my heart flutter to see him so happy. We celebrated by drinking. He doesn't usually drink, but he was just too happy and felt like celebrating. I drank enough to get tipsy. It was enough to fill me with almost enough confidence to make a move, but I never did. I couldn't sit still in my seat, though. He looked so relaxed in his chair as a cigar hung from his mouth. His eyes pierced through the smoke and I couldn't look away. He looked me up and down so much last night. What could have been on his mind? I wish I did something to show or tell him how I feel. I can admit to myself that I love him, but will I ever be able to admit it to him?"

The words caused him to freeze. "I love him." His brow furrowed as his feelings confused him. Why did these words make him feel so strange? He turned a page again.

"My mind is completely clouded with him. So many things I want him to do to me. I want him to make me beg. I want to feel his rough hands grip me all over. And I want to know what that scar on his lip feels like against mine. It's my favorite of his scars. His rough body has so many stories to tell and I want to be the one to hear them. I want to hear the way he grunts again. I want his powerful eyes to be fixed on me again. All I want is him."

His face is flushed and he noticed his pants slowly started to feel tighter. A new sense of power stroked his ego. A power over you that he never knew he had.

"KARL! WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY TOWELS AND CLOTHES! I'M GETTING COLD!", you shivered in the empty tub. What could have taken him so long? Your muffled complaints snapped him out of his nosey gaze. He quickly throws your diary onto the chair, unaware that he left it open, and gathers some clothes for you before rushing out. He grabs some towels on the way and opens the bathroom door slowly, sticking only his arm out with the towels in his hand.

"About damn time. I was worried you were gonna let me die in here." you make your way over to the door, reaching for the towels. As you reach, he suddenly raises his arm, causing the towels to no longer be in reaching distance. "Beg for them.", he says. You can't see his face, but you can tell that he has a grin stretching across it as he says this. You freeze. "What?" "I said beg for them. Go on." Your heart begins to pound in flustered confusion. "P-please...", your cold, naked, vulnerable body gets covered in goosebumps. "Louder.", he shakes the towel to taunt you. "Please!", you reach up and grab a small part of the towel. You hear him chuckle behind the door. He begins to pull on the towel, slowly pulling your body forward. You try to keep your feet on the ground and keep your balance. If he keeps pulling, you're bare body would be in his sight from the crack of the door. Why is he doing this? "Karl please! You're being a jackass!", you try to verbally assert your dominance but fail. "An animalistic jackass, perhaps?", his own words cause him to let out a cocky laugh.

It suddenly hit you. He knows how you view him and how you feel about him. He finally lets go of the towels and you wrap them around you, panicking over his new discovery of your feelings. There's only one way he learned all of this. Your diary.

You pull the door open and begin to run towards the bed room, your feet slapping against the cold ground. "Where ya goin' (Y/N)? You forgot your clothes.", he smiles and begins to walk in your direction. You make it into your room and rush over to where you normally keep your diary. You see it laying wide open. You cover your mouth as your face grows hot. His foot steps grow louder and closer until they stop as he stands in your door way. He pushes his sunglasses over his head, resting them on top so you can see into his eyes which you apparently loved so much. He whistled to get your attention and your head jolts in his direction. "Hm. What's that?", he points at your diary and fails to hide a grin. "You dick.", you mutter, embarrassed to all hell. "Yeah, but at least I'm a strong, sexy, animalistic dick. At least, according to you.", he laughs and throws your clothes in your direction, walking down the hallway to leave you alone for now. But, this definitely won't be the end of his teasing. (EDIT: I forgot to mention that I will be doing a similar story where the roles are reversed another time. Thank you anon for the amazing request.)

#re8 #heisenberg x reader #resident evil village #karl heisenberg x you #karl heisenberg headcanons #karl heisenberg headcanon #karl heisenberg #karl heisenberg x reader #karl heisenberg fanfic #karl heisenburg x reader #karl heisenburg

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kaaytea · 3 years

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hey! i hope youre doing great! if it isnt a problem, could you do atsumu, oikawa, sakusa and kuroo with a s/o who overthinks alot and notices that theyre hanging out with someone else alot recently and is scared that they're going to leave but they reassure reader that they won't leave? it'd be nice if it was fluffy :(((

Hi cutie! I'm doing well and I hope you are too! I apologize if Sakusa isn't very..Sakusa-y?? I'm still figuring him out a bit 😅 I tried my best to make it fluffy enough, I hope what I wrote will suffice

The Dangers of Overthinking

⤷Includes: Oikawa, Kuroo, Atsumu, Sakusa

-------------------------------------------

Oikawa

It's no secret that Oikawa is a pretty popular guy

And usually this doesn't bother you much, no matter how busy Oikawa was he always had little ways to reassure you he wasn't ignoring you

Gradually you started to notice him spending less time checking in on you throughout the day, the most you'd get is a pat on the head, a quick kiss, or a short text before Oiks slipped away with the rest of his team

You did your best to ignore the little voice in your head expressing that he was avoiding you. Oikawa was committed to his sport and that was fine, this behavior was normal

But the one thing you couldn't shake was whenever he went off with the team there was a person you didn't recognize in the group

You'd met his team HUNDREDS of times and by this point you knew everyone by name, number, and position from the hours you've sat with Tooru and watched game recordings. It was the middle of the season so they couldn't have suddenly got a new player

So who was this person? And why was your boyfriend always gravitating towards them?

Overthinking was dangerous for you, the longer you dwelled the further you fell into the dark doubts tucked into the back of your mind

This continued on for weeks until one day you just stayed in bed wrapped in blankets with only your thoughts

Setters are trained to notice small things, little details that could reveal a weakness in defense, anything that would help them decide who to set too

Oikawa was beautifully gifted in that aspect of a setter, it didn't take long to notice how distanced you'd become

Originally he thought it was a personal matter so he let you have your space, except unlike the other times you didn't bounce back. Infact, you were getting further from him the longer it went on

Oikawa quietly opened the door to your bedroom, letting his volleyball bag slip off his shoulder and placing it by the door

He sat down carefully on the side of your bed before he playful poked your side

"(y/n)-chaaan~"

You didn't respond and only pulled the sheets tighter around you causing a pout to form on his face

He gently pulled the sheets away from your head and pressed his hand to your forehead

"You don't have a fever so you're definitely not sick.....wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"You're not gonna leave me, right?"

Your voice was so quiet he just barely heard what you said

The hand on your forehead slipped down to your cheek, his thumb brushed softy across your cheek bone

"Why would I leave you?"

"You keep hanging around that person"

"Ah, be a little more specific sweetie"

"The blonde one! The blonde that's been hanging off you when you're with the team!"

You finally open up to him and what's he do? LAuGh! He's laughing at you!

Tears started to burn in your eyes as you quickly went to pull the covers over your head and flip onto your side facing away from him, only Oiks was a step ahead and pulled you into a sitting position facing him

"W-wait wait, Let me explain! (Y/n)-chan, that's our new manager. They've been helping me plan out drills for the team."

"Oh"

Well now you felt a bit silly

After a few seconds of silence you sighed and hid your face in Oikawa's shoulder. His arms wrapped around you body and he leaned back against your headboard

He spent the rest of the night holding you, whispering promises of never leaving you and how you're more important to him than anything else

Kuroo

Kuroo's friendly personality seemed to just attract people

I mean it was definitely something that hooked you so it was understandable why people tend to flock to him

It's just frustrating when he seems to have plans with people all the time, you barely see him these days

You didn't want to bring this to his attention in fear of being seen as clingy or controlling; Tetsu was your partner and had his own life, he wasn't a pet you could whistle for whenever you felt lonely

But you couldn't help but feel a bit....rejected

You were only about 5 minutes into lunch break and so far all you've done is lay your head on your desk and watched the rain fall outside

The gloomy day enhanced your depressed mood, your mind caught in the whirlpool of overthinking

Suddenly a little package was placed in front of you, followed by the sound of a chair being pulled up to your desk

You lifted your head from the desk only to find the very person that's been stuck in your mind sitting infront of you

"I got you melon bread from that bakery you like down the street, I would have given it to you earlier but you weren't here when I got to campus this morning."

"I missed my train..."

Kuroo snorted at your response and muttered something about you being cute before pulling out his lunch and beginning to eat

You opened the melon bread package, it looked delicious but your appetite seemed to have vanished

Kuroo watched you tear off a piece of the bread before placing the piece back on the wrappings with a sigh

Something was definitely wrong, you never turned down pastries from that bakery

"Not hungry?"

"Not really..."

"Did something else happen this morning? You're looking a bit...dejected"

You could never lie to Kuroo, and at this point you were so fed up with feeling alone that you didn't care about looking clingy, so you told him

He listened carefully to what you said and when you finished your rant he reached over the desk to hold your hands in his

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that. It won't happen again, I promise.....You've gotta tell me these things though, ok? I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

You could tell he meant every word he said, if there was one thing you knew about Kuroo it was that he prided himself on staying true to his promises

You felt a weight off your shoulders the second he pressed a kiss to your hand

You even got your appetite back and devoured the melon bread he got you!

Atsumu

You'd of never expected Atsumu to spend time with someone outside of the volleyball team

Especially one of his fan girls of all people

All this interaction between the two started abruptly during lunch break. The girl had bounced up and pulled him away from your little group before anyone could get a word in, everyone just stared as the blonde was dragged down the hall

You were use to the fan girls, 'Tsumu never gave them the time of day so it was never a problem, but this just felt...off

Why was he suddenly paying attention to one of them? Was he bored of you? We're you just not enough to satisfy his ego?

You were torn from your thoughts by a gentle call of your name

You turned your attention from the clipboard in your lap to the direction of the voice meeting Kita's soft but steady eyes

"You seem less energetic than normal, have you eaten anything today?"

"Oh I'm fine Kita-senpai, you don't have to-"

You were cut off by him handing you a banana and a rant about how even their manager has to be in peak condition

You couldn't refuse Kita so you took the food with a smile and powered through the rest of practice

You left immediately after you finished cleaning the gym, ignoring the calls from Atsumu to wait up for him

You tried to walk fast so he wouldn't be able to catch up but the universe seemed to be against you as he easily jogged up to you minutes after you left

"Wassup with ya today? Kita-san said you were actin' weird."

"I'm surprised you noticed he said anything, your attention seems to be on other people."

Atsumu stepped infront of you, blocking you from walking further down the road

"Wass that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know Miya, why don't you ask your little fan girl"

You stepped around him attempting to run the rest of the way home but his hand grabbed your arm, spinning you back around to face him

Atsumu's hands held you in place to keep you from running away

"That's what this is about? That annoyin' scrub who won't leave me alone?"

"Annoying scrub?"

Atsumu went on explaining how he was partnered with her for a project in Japanese history and how even after they finished the project she wouldn't leave him alone (no matter how many times he told her to go away)

After he explained you felt a little better but you still felt insecurities scratching at your mind

You reached out for his hand and started walking again, keeping your eyes on the ground as you walked

"You didn't think I was cheatin' on ya.....right?"

"....."

".....I'd never leave ya for someone like that, yer the only one I've got my eyes on. Plus, yer the only person I've found that can tolerate me."

You laughed slightly at that, he wasn't completely wrong. Atsumu was a rather complex person but you found something enjoyable in that complexity

He let go of your hand and pulled you into his side, keeping his arm wrapped around your waist as you walked

Sakusa

Ok so maybe you were a bit jealous

Not much, but just a bit

You should have expected Sakusa would have admirers as the ace of Itachiyama (not to mention he was a very handsome guy)

But it still catches you off guard with how outwardly flirty your fellow manager was

Like they even know you're in a relationship with Kiyoomi and yet they continue to throw themselves at him

Being jealous over that was honestly very silly on your part because Sakusa has expressed their flirting makes him uncomfortable

So really there wasn't anything to worry about

Well...

That is until one day you overheard them telling Sakusa they enjoyed going out last night and that they should do it again

Which he responded with a "maybe"

If you were paying attention you would have noticed the flat tone to his voice and how his body language exuded 'Im very uncomfortable please go away'

But you being you, the second the manager opened their mouth your mind shut down and your blood went cold

They went out together last night?

You avoided everyone for the rest of practice, offering instead to clean practice jerseys and water bottles

Those were jobs usually done by two people but you needed to get away from everyone and you were hoping the jobs would take up the rest of practice

By the time you were nearly done with cleaning the water bottles, Sakusa had joined you at the outside fountain, mask pulled up on his face, his bag on one shoulder and yours on the other

"Do you want help?"

"You don't have to Omi.....it's my job anyways"

Despite your dismissal of his offer, he placed both your bags down and helped you clean the rest of the bottles, even going as far as carrying them back into the gym for you

You followed him over to the equipment room, you unlocked the door and took the box from his arms and put it on It's shelf

"You ready to go?"

"Almost, I have to throw the jerseys into the dryer. You can go on ahead without me."

"I'll wait, I want to avoid Komori. I don't feel like being dragged out with his friends again."

Dragged out with his friends? So it wasn't a secret date, Sakusa was forced to go by his cousin

Sakusa made his way by you to the gym's laundry room, Swifty tossing the practice jerseys into the dryer and then returning to your side

"You can stop worrying now, I know you overheard our conversation earlier. I would have much rather spent the night with you than them....they're too pushy for my liking."

He picked up your bags again and offered you his arm (something he much preferred over holding hands)

though he was usually a stoic person, you could just see the warmth his eyes held as he looked at you

You linked your arm with his, soaking up the heat from his body and the calm atmosphere that surrounded him

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