Ok I was today years old when I realized that the shrinking disks Scott used in first movie and Civil War would’ve saved a lot of fucking lives. It’d be a lot easier to squish Thanos if he was the size of an ant.

My roommate: Hey if the snap included 50% of ALL life that’s plants and animals too right?

Me: Yeah…

My roommate: So like seeing eye dogs too?

Me: …

My roommate: Like you’re just walking along and the leash goes limp, and you’re like “Lucky?” and dog is just… poof and you’re blind so it turned to dust but you don’t know that so you’re just so confused

Me: Why are you the way that you are?

“The Uncle Ben Effect” - The principle that dictates any parental figure of Peter Parker will undoubtedly croak. (likely in front of him)

Richard and Mary? Dead.

Uncle Ben and Aunt May? Dead.

Tony Stark? Dead.

Fucking Quentin Beck who only PRETENDED to care about Peter in order to steal and try to kill him. Within days the man was in the ground.

Jesus Christ can this child have a family PLEASE!

I hope men find it attractive though, because that’s how I drive 😂

Hey do Wayne Enterprises and Queen Consolidated pay for the Justice League?

And does anybody find that weird? Does it count as a charity donation? Do they get tax write offs for it? Is that their excuse? “Why does billionaire Bruce Wayne bankroll superheroes? Tax purposes.”

After all, “Who always pays their taxes? Not Batman!”

Ok hear me out

The mando season 2 end credit scene but like pre-sarlacc Boba, no helmet.

So I’m just seeing Cody’s face on Boba’s body fuckin manspreading on Jabba’s throne looking down at the dead bodies of scummy slavers and crime lords while a gorgeous, and badass, woman sits at his right hand drinking right from the bottle.

Damn

When you “reader-pretzel” yourself in your college’s student center and others simply look on in awe and terror

Me: Who looked at Bruce “Dresses up like a bat and punches people to deal with his trauma” Wayne and decided he required a herd of brightly colored children?

My Roomate: Alfred?

Me: …Excellent point

Y’know how superheroes with enhanced senses can hear heartbeats. And they can tell people apart and recognize them by their heartbeat cause everyone’s is a little different. Why is that low-key romantic and high-key adorable?

Ok so today I had a crazy bad asthma attack, and actually ended up in the ER. I’m treated, I can breathe, and they leave the room.

I’m now hyped up on 3 FULL bottles of albuterol, my heart rate is 156 and my blood feels fast. I have clearly achieved enlightenment.

I then turn to my mother, my entire body literally vibrating with adrenaline overdose, and whisper; “I’m the god of speed”.

So uh… 4 hours later. I’ve crashed and woken up and now I’m coming for your job Savitar!

Hey do you ever think about the fact that Batman’s “kids” are mostly kinda sorta kidnapped?

Like Duke has parents.

Tim had parents.

Bruce just sees kids and is like “You’re my child now” and everyone is too scared to tell him no

Like is anybody going to address this?

You ever think Din heard the dark troopers marching in the halls toward him and the others and had flashbacks to the battle droids marching on his home when he was a kid right before his parents died?

You think before Luke showed up he thought his son was about to live through the same trauma of watching his parent slaughtered by droids before his eyes.

And there were no Mandalorians to save his son like they did him.

Omg I saw the cutest love story:

So it starts when person a saves person b’s life. They instantly feel a connection, and spend the next year and a half practically glued at the hip. Then after a tragic accident person a suffers they blame person b, have a massive fight, and the two split up. They go 10 years without seeing each other before reuniting as person a breaks person b out of jail. The reunion is very tense and there’s a lot of fighting both verbal and physical. Then person b tries to kill person a’s younger sister (who he had an affair with over the 10 year gap) and they fight and part again. Another ten years later they meet a third time where person b leaves the cult he’s in (dudes got issues) to save person a’s life after reminiscing on their life together. They part reluctantly a week later. They meet another 10 years later to… not really important they meet again and part amicably a week later. Finally 5 years after that, 35 years after they first met. They meet in Paris, and person b proposes, and person a says yes. They live the rest of their lives in peace on an island in the Caribbean.

My friend: … that sounds familiar

Me: CAUSE ITS THE FUCKING PLOT OF X-MEN

Alix: Do you know something?

Luka: Do you know something?

Alix: I might know something.

Luka: I might know something too.

Alix: What's the thing you know?

Luka: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.

Alix: I can't tell you what I know.

Luka: Well, then I can't tell you what I know.

Alix: Ok, fine.

[They stare each other in silence]

Alix: You don't know!

Luka: Alright, how about I go over there, and I will walk into that alleyway and I will see if the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!

[GASP]

Alix: You know!

Luka: And you know!

I’m just imagining a Barbie scenario:

Hi Peter

Hi Peter

Hi Peter

Hi Wade

Hi Peter

😂😂😂

Anyways obviously the only correct way to have Deadpool in the spiderverse is if there's just one Deadpool. And he keeps ending up in different universes causing shenanigans but it's always the same Deadpool. He switches art styles/appearance depending on universe. The go-home machine can't figure out if he even has a home universe. (Believe me Miguel has tried.) He hits on most age-appropriate spideys and then hits on their MJs too. Villains in most universes seem to inexplicably know him, or at least know of him. He keeps getting kicked out of HQ. He's 100% aware that all this logic only works because it's an epic crossover and the writers wanted it that way.

In the back room of a pizzeria, no one can hear you scream.