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crimeronan · 10 months

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I feel like I would consider myself polyamory agnostic in a way, like I would maybe like for it to happen but I often fear that I don't have the ability to manage even one partnership, let alone multiple relationships, since I am often. So tired. I often find myself idealizing the "late" stage of a relationship when everyone already has settled into what to expect of each other and knows not to take it personally if someone falls asleep mid movie, for example. All this to say, how do you handle your relationship structure as a disabled/chronically ill person? Do you have any advice/thoughts on how it works for you? (I feel like perhaps you have posted about this before and I am just forgetting...)

oh this is a really good question! i'm not sure how relevant my life experience will be to you, particularly given that i started dating all three of my current partners before becoming disabled/crippled. but i am happy to share!

first off -- i 100% get romanticizing the late stage of relationships, sometimes you just need things to be chill and flexible. but i also don't think that this stage necessarily Needs to be reserved for Late Relationships?

like.... the older i get, the more upfront i've decided to be about my needs, especially with new people. granted, a lot of the people i meet these days are either disabled themselves or Get It -- my social circle is mostly queer spoonies in their 20s and 30s + much much older retirees that i hang out with at the local pool.

some people prefer not to be so open so quickly about their limitations, it is hard and scary to be visibly disabled, harder still to ask for help & admit that you might be inconvenient / a burden / take up extra space. this USED to be me until i said. eh. fuck it. after a certain point, wounded pride is just a mental construct

basically, like. when i'm online these days, you'll see me be clear about my limits with strangers - i'll say that if i stop replying to chats or asks, it's not bc i hate you, it's bc i'm tired or forgetful. that i can't guarantee responses to ppl, even people i'm already friendly with. that if my mood is bad or my pain levels are high, i won't engage in much social interaction at All. that my capabilities fluctuate wildly depending on the day and that i cannot be relied upon for consistent scheduling or posting or creative output

i'm similarly open with people irl. it helps that i'm often using mobility aids when i'm talking to people. the mobility aids sorta strip the possibility of pretending not to be disabled. it's kinda the elephant in the room. but it means that i can be like, "as you can see, i am very crippled. i may need flexibility with any plans that we make. due to being very crippled."

if people get upset by this or simply don't have the capacity to deal with it, that is fine! that's not either of our faults, no one's done anything wrong, we're just not in the right circumstances to mesh. i don't get hurt by that personally. i've honestly found that it saves SO much time and hassle and potential drama/heartache to set expectations right away. the only other option is to exhaust myself and end up failing to meet expectations regardless and losing the friendship after burning up a bunch of energy and social bridges. painful and bad!

so like... i can meet a new person, and if they're cool with My Whole Deal, then there's no waiting period before we're familiar enough for flaky behavior. i can be like, "i'm not sure i'll be able to walk tonight, is there a place to sit down at the event?" or "i'm flaring a little, is it okay for us to be kinda flexible about tomorrow's schedule?" or "hey, i'll get back to you as soon as possible i promise, i'm just fogged TO SHIT today [peace sign]" from day 1. it's great

i'm not saying that you Have to do this; i am aware that it breaches like seventeen laws of general social etiquette. i'm just saying that i have met many people who are totally chill about this! as long as you're chill and respectful of the other person as well, you can do whatever you want forever

that was not even relevant to the initial ask, so. AS FOR MY PARTNERS.

i actually don't find that my illness makes it harder to navigate my relationships at all. like i mentioned, i've been with all three partners for Many Many Years now. we know each other Extremely well, we're all extremely turbo autistic, we all have blunt communication down to a science. so saying "i'm not up for doing [x thing] tonight, can we take a rain check?" is super easy.

in fact, my partners can basically intuit a flare from just my physical movements and tone of voice, even before i say a single word. we are VERY familiar with each other.

.....and, alright. after fighting the urge to longpost i've decided to put the rest under a cut. YOU'RE WELCOME 4 THE RETURN OF YOUR DASHBOARDS. "why didnt you put it under a cut so much earlier" read my posts boy

anyway. click readmore to hear me expand upon just how fucking incredible and awesome and kind and generous and loving my People are

there ARE some ways that the illness has made it more difficult for ME to be the kind of partner that i want to be -- for example, i often lack the energy to provide proper emotional support during stressful situations, i have a shorter threshold for pain/irritation than i used to, i can't give 100% of my energy anymore and there have been times when that has resulted in hurt feelings in my partners.

(there have been far more times, though, when nobody's feelings are hurt and it's literally fine.)

in every case where feelings DID get hurt, we've talked stuff out and fixed it within like an hour. bc we all trust each other and know that we don't WANT to hurt each other's feelings. i never ever Ever say things with the intention of wounding my partners, and they know that. they never say things with the intention of wounding me, either, which is why our very blunt "hey, you need to change something you're doing" convos go so well. there's no need to tiptoe, it doesn't hurt me to know what they're thinking or feeling or needing.

sometimes things are just hard and shitty and we're all doing the best we can. this is just part of adulthood i think. especially adulthood in late stage capitalism, etc. the Biggest key to my polycule is that we are all much happier as a family than we would be without each other. the relationships are about as wholesome and healthy and non-toxic and openly communicative as they can get

the Other key aspect when dealing with my illness is that.... being polyamorous has actually been... SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER than being 1) alone, OR 2) in a monogamous relationship EVER WOULD BE?

it is Extremely Stressful for my family to deal with me being this sick. i am aware of that. but i haven't had to bear the brunt of it. not only do they support me, but they also all communicate with and support each other. so no one person is bearing the entire weight of the stress or pain or fear. and i don't have to comfort people over my own symptoms, which most disabled ppl i think would agree is.... exhausting

when i'm too fucked up to speak aloud, let alone support my partners the way i usually do, they ALWAYS have EACH OTHER as a safety net.

this safety net has been beyond vital for me personally, too. round-the-clock care from a single partner is insane and exhausting and leads to unraveling tempers. but when you live with two partners who can help cover your chores and cook and make sure you don't die of your Symptoms (TM)? that's much more doable.

it's HARD, bc literally everyone in the house is disabled to some degree, but it's doable. (it being hard is part of why my QPR is going to move in with us soon. extra hands!)

a few weeks ago, rafi (partner of 7ish years) went on a short vacation to visit family in california. and justice (QPR of 3ish years, best friend of 8ish years) booked an impromptu next-day plane ticket to come stay with me and vi (partner of 11ish years) while rafi was gone. because i was Very Sick. i was flaring horribly the whole time she was here, and she made meals and cleaned and ran errands and picked up medications and returned phone calls and lay in bed with me watching low-stakes tv shows and made sure i didn't stroke out without anyone there to help.

this meant that i basically got to stay in bed the whole time, which was very very Very needed. and vi -- who has a bad back -- wasn't unduly taxed with Literally All of the household upkeep in rafi's absence.

the same principle has applied when i've needed my partners to help cover my share of bills or my household chores or my errands or whatever. since there are three other people involved, the Immediate Support Net is much wider than in a monogamous relationship. especially bc all three of them have their own familial and friend support networks to reach out to!

having more people around is actually awesome for me. i don't feel like i'm expending a lot more energy than i would in a monogamous relationship, but i AM receiving a TON more support and care and love than would be possible in a monogamous relationship.

i guess the conclusion i'd make is: no man is an island, humans are hardwired to build large social support groups, and in a good relationship, you'll receive At Least as much as you give. right now i'm receiving a SHIT TON MORE than i give, and i do often feel pretty bad about it despite knowing it's not my fault.

but these people have chosen to be my family. and if they ever want to stop choosing me then they absolutely can. and if they need more from me or they need something Different from me, then they'll literally just tell me.

(i know they will literally just tell me because all three of them have literally just told me in the past. they're three people i can implicitly trust to say things like "hey, this thing you said made me sad / was unhelpful" and "hey, i'm really stressed out about [x thing], can we make a plan to deal with it?" and "hey, this situation is pretty serious and i know that you don't want to face it but i really need you to. i will take on whatever i can for you and support you the whole time")

so: yes it has been hard to some extent, managing three relationships while also being sick. but it is also a wonderful setup with a million unthought-of advantages & i am much better cared-for and much better AT caring because of it & i fucking Shudder to think how horrific being sick would be without them.

i love my family so much.

#long post #replies #polyamory #this barely scratches the surface bc it's just a few examples of how our dynamics work but hopefully it is clarifying #polyamory is an advantage that has saved my Entire Ass. my partners are wonderful.#all relationships do take work but my three relationships don't take So Much Work that there's no benefit you know #the work is really easy. it's just. you take care of me when i need it and you can. i take care of you when you need it and i can #that's literally it. it's not a hard symbiosis to maintain #autoimmune tag

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stuffforthestash · 16 days

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15 Questions for 15 Friends

15 questions for 15 friends

Tagged by @pikapeppa <3

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Two people, actually! My middle name is my maternal grandmother's, and I got my first name from my childhood best friend. She was born a few months before me, and my mom loved her name so much she gave it to me too. We were inseparable, but sadly she died in an accident when we were 8, so now I carry the name for both of us.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last week when I was having a bad fibromyalgia flare and hit critical mass for being able to cope. Chronic pain is a bitch, yo. 0/10, do not recommend.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Very happily childless. I have a TON of niblings though and love being an auntie.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? I was hardcore into softball as a kid, spent 8 years playing. Not that wimpy slow pitch stuff either, which is why I've never been able to get back into it since casual adult leagues are just... different. I was a pitcher and 1st base, and even now I can catch pretty much anything thrown in my general direction purely by instinct 😂

DO YOU USE SARCASM? Nooooooo, I would never!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Oooh this is a hard one to explain. I studied costume design in college, and one of the things they trained us on is how to look at a person's whole appearance in order to "read" them as a character. It's a habit I never really got over, so I'm always looking for people's "character cues" and they're always going to be different from one person to another.

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? Mostly brown, but other colors come out depending on the light

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPY ENDINGS I refuse to engage with depressing or genuinely unsettling media. My life is already full of too much bullshit, I'm full up.

ANY TALENTS? I can catch very nearly anything thrown in my general direction 😜 I'm also kinda... idiot-savant-ish when it comes to learning new artistic and craft mediums? I pick up the basic concepts really quickly, and I've yet to encounter something I genuinely suck at or can't figure out. Oh yeah and I can sing!

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In a hospital in California, which is where I grew up.

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? Crafts! Painting, wire wrapping, drawing, a bit of leather working, and anything else that strikes my fancy. I also love jigsaw puzzles, smutty romance novels, very specific RPG videogames, and taking care of my plants

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? No 😭The husbear and I are both allergic to anything we'd actually want to have around.

HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'5".

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? High school: choir and theater. College: studio drawing classes, especially the one in my final year that was taught by a guy in my D&D group, who also happened to be a professional illustrator for MtG!

DREAM JOB? I used to dream about designing the costumes for Cirque du Soliel. That was THE dream, until I gave up theater and switched to illustration. Nowadays I just want to make a success of my little craft business, and be able to earn enough to actually need to file taxes for it 🫠 Okay, now to figure out who to tag.... @ariseis @mumms-the-word @charmedcleric @drizztdohurtin @halsins-herbal-underpants @carmsgarms @galebrainrot2024 @alexxxaloy @lemonsrosesandlavender @luinen-bluewater @autistichalsin @nerd-artist ... it's not 15, but eh. Close enough!

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ekwolfwood · 4 months

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Happy New Year I wanted to be back and I actually had a post about the bad things AND the good things complete with photos but it fucking uuhhhhhhhhh broke? So. Yeah. I'll try again but nooo, no photos for me i guess.

but anyways HELLO WORLD, MY QUEUE IS ACTUALLY ALMOST DEAD I HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY AVOIDING THIS PLACE FOR REASONS UNKNOWN EVEN TO ME.

but yeeeeah about that 2023. its been a ~real bad year~ huh, or was it just me? Thought I'd throw up a little end ofthe year wrap up, but have been putting it off because a lot of it sucked.

Between multiple deaths in the family, covid still doing its plaguebearing thing, so much fucking stress, worsening symptoms and endless doctor visits and even worse fatigue thats left me in bed most of each week, im... it seems like i got nothing done.

But it wasnt all bad! I'm trying to think on all the things i did this year (and a LOT of things i acquired this year i did... a lot of retail therapy for the first time in my life really???)

-I cant believe i got to see a Rick Riordan Q&A live, like, it seems like AGES ago but was only this year???? It was a genuine bucket list item for me

-i started drawing again??? And im kinda improving???? Id like to share some of it one day somewhere?? Scary.

-got to dip my toes back into cons again! Only the safe/outdoor ones, but it was nice seeing folks again, despite some drawbacks (like AN being 40°C and witnessing a real stupid truck crash, and Yeti being nothing but stress overall and causing some ~brand new (old) symptoms~)

-I started my new life of cosplaying my own OC's over other things. Being Virtue (my dnd pastel barbiecore nightmare child) was absolutely freeing, i cant wait to make him 7 million new outfits

-especially because i got to do a freaking location shoot at a super cool, very out of the way waterfall, with a reflecting pool. i cant wait to bring so many things there

-also did a waterfall tour of Owen Sound. soooooo many dnd/dragon age/etc shoot ideas

-im also saving up for a few dream dragon age costumes, and its gonna be like uhhhhh.... $500ish worth of scalemail? (for two seperate projects)

-speaking of dragon age, i got alex into inquisition and i've become a nightmare about it again im not sorry

-alex and i went halvsies on thigh high boots that are 100% for my Lavellan, because he's a thot and deserves them

-tell me not to spend another like $150cdn on the official shirts. theyre just. so SOFT. they are a pure sensory joy.

-i bought so many cardigans from independent artists, on preorders. and like none of them are here yet but next falls gonna be 👌👌👌

-i have a lolita problem. got to wear one of my fanciest to the cherry blossoms at the height of my pain flares back in the spring! i now have two new dresses on top of that! there's a third im eyeing right now to go with one of my new cardigans! its a real problem y'all 😂

-but by far my biggest and best decision was i saved up for two solid years and was able to buy myself A FREAKING PS5 without breaking budget at all?????? I'm genuinely proud of myself, this was the exact opposite of an impulse buy??? even got to gift a friend the CoD game that came with it, because i was never gonna touch that lol

Next year better keep up the good things, and no new fucking symptoms. Also, depending on the Yeti news, im not letting myself be that fucking stressed this time around.

#housekeeping #HISSSSSSSSSSSS take two

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bitch-butter · 2 years

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Hey, I hope you're doing well, if you're taking requests from that list, could I ask for 131 and webgott? Be well!

thank you for sending this in! this prompt had A Lot going on in my head that for obvious reasons took me to a place of vamp, so I hope you don't mind this takes place in ye olde down comes the night (aka vampires) universe.

there are some...Details in here that pertain to something I'm working on rn, bc it's been very much on the dome, but hopefully I don't give too much away! I hope you find something to like in this, be well ~

“I’ll spend a thousand lifetimes coming back to you.”

For some reason he thought that the moment he was turned his life would somehow cease to be what it was.

Not anything spectacular, nothing like opening his eyes and finding the sky going different colors, being able to spot dust mites floating in the air, hearing emotions type of different. Just, different. Even if only intangibly he assumed that becoming a vampire was going to be nonstop something, whether it be euphoria, anxiety, hunger, anything.

And yet Joe still sat staring at a fucking laptop and refreshing the page over and over again like it was going to show his Vampire Eyes, as Lestat would say, something different.

He had the urge to rub over his eyelids, ease away fatigue, but he didn’t actually feel it. Joe hadn’t been tired since last December, and it’s late November now. Outside he recognized it was cold, but he couldn't feel the discomfort of the chill, finding his predominant reactions are ones of pure sympathy, even managing to fake a convincing yawn back to a woman in CVS last week.

Really the main thing he feels these days is boredom. Or, it was before September.

He sighed, and caught himself again. Breathing. What even is that anymore?

In the heavy, early days of his change, when the venom was still fresh under the thin covering of his skin and the burn shot over every inch of his body, he would try to gasp in pain and would choke on air that didn’t come to him, unable to let himself believe he didn’t need it. Back then he could barely speak, barely move, could only think of hunger, hunger, hunger, and David.

Always. Always.

It had been like nothing he’d ever felt before, the relief that surged through his dying veins as he put his mouth to David’s neck and was permitted, lovingly, to feed. That first rush of intoxication, burning like whiskey straight down his throat, tasting fresh, earthy, was enough that he half expected to never regain his senses, to forever be an animal David kept under the porch and would throw scraps of affection at.

But he had recovered. Straightened, stepped forward on two legs into this new thing that together they could call a life, but in many ways was not living at all. With David he had started to learn the ways to walk on earth as something other than himself, began to look for opportunity, for pockets of darkness for them to easily slip in and out of, and so far it had made him strong. The cravings weren’t nearly as bad as David had told him he’d endured, given tastes of his maker’s still, sweet blood and swallowing it down like a child's medicine to keep the itching along the back of his throat away, stop the terrible flares of anger that came when he couldn’t seem to get enough.

David was patient with him. Joe would have been convinced he’d done this before with the gentleness and skill he had in managing Joe’s sudden shifts, his hunger, his needs that at some times were nonexistent and legion in others.

It had been almost a year. It feels like 90.

“More coffee?” the waitress asked, voice pitched like she anticipated breaking through his fugue, but he had smelled her coming.

She’s fine but she’s sweet, like maraschino cherries, and it made him wrinkle his nose in distaste. He’s getting mature enough already to know what he likes and she isn’t it, even if she had been attentive checking in on the coffee that he hasn’t had a goddamn sip of yet. Regular food still fucks with his stomach, he expected he had another couple of decades before he can fake eat something to complete satisfaction.

He managed a sideways look towards her, eyes barely making it to hers around the edges of the black hood he had pulled up, looking like a reject of some tragic Boston basement band. “I’m still working on it, thanks,” he brushed off, voice quiet, pitched low enough that she might not have a reaction to it.

From the way he can hear her breath pick up, just a tiny bit, just enough to grimace at, he failed. That’s the other challenge of it, the one that he had secretly laughed at when David had told him about it because only an asshole with a face like his could complain about the way people threw themselves at him. Poor David, poor handsome David who had to beat humans of literally all flavors off of himself just to get some damn peace and quiet, how hard it must be.

That’s what he had thought. Now he knows better.

The Look is no joke, not even in the slightest and not even for Joe, who knows that even as a pitch-perfect vampire there are elements of his face that he would have needed to start laying the groundwork to change when he was 13 to look halfway presentable. He knows what he looks like, but since the change people have fallen at his feet like he was a ye olde Backstreet Boy, drawn in by the seeming forcefield of pheromones that surrounded him.

So now having a minute alone, something he’s fairly fucking used to, is a relatively rare thing.

The waitress’ neck muscles tightened, gathering to speak, and he turned his face away quickly to look out the front window just beside him.

“Thank you,” he repeated, the words warping with the sudden rush of saliva through his mouth, pushing a bit through the words to send a rush of: go, go, go.

So compelled, she turned on her heel and left without a word, pace stuttering as she crossed back behind the counter like she couldn’t quite believe what she had done, whether she ought to question it at all.

Stifling a groan, he tugged the hood down lower over his face, hand curling against his forehead as he slouched inward, eyes moving back to stare towards his screen. Mechanically, he reached up to click harshly at the Reload button, watching the momentary spin, before feeling his spirit sink gently as the page before him remained unchanged.

No news. No updates. Nothing but the same old headline he’d been staring at for two months, a bleak, black line above the picture of Babe and Gene at their engagement party, smiling and so beautifully, terribly unknowing.

If he scrolled down a bit he knows he’d see isolated photos of George Luz, maybe even the shape of Joe Toye’s name in the footprints of text all the way down the page.

But no more. Not since September.

He’d say it was inconceivable, but in the past years he’s seen too much to rule out even the most fantastic

Dully, he swiveled his gaze to look back out to the empty parking lot, only his own car looking back at him, the sky like a heavy roof of shadows above. It was close to 2a.m. now, pretty much the only time that he could have time to himself in the 24 hour Denny’s he posted at to leech off the wifi, and he felt a wriggle of all too familiar anxiety go through him at even the most distant thought of the sun rising. The sun meant aches, meant feeling sick, tired in a way vampires shouldn’t be tired, and at least for tonight it meant going back home and having to face David.

Beyond the parking lot were the woods, the modest sweep of forest that bordered the town like a crescent moon, blocking them in between the wilderness and the rolling crash of the water, and his eyes got lost in their dark tangle, in their winds and bends. He imagined walking into them, getting lost, having nobody to come looking for him, and he lowered his head down to rest on the table, feeling altogether too human.

He does feel it, if even just a little. It’s hard to hurt a vampire, but since September he’s gotten better and better at finding the places where he could still hurt himself. Hurt other people.

Turns out just because he gets better in some senses doesn’t mean he’s better in all. He’s still just as apt to be horrible as he ever was, lash out, feel bad about lashing out, feel trapped by the weight of guilt and how it mingles together with raw, primordial sadness. Just because he’s a vampire doesn’t mean he’s completely divorced himself from the same type of bullshit he pulled as an idiot running around in 3 day old pants that smell like gin and cigarettes, he’s self-aware enough to admit that.

Maybe it isn’t the vampirism he had hoped would really change him, maybe it was the Being in a Stable Relationship he had thought might do the trick.

But no, still an asshole.

He’d feel disappointed in himself if he was capable of feeling anything but a sort of paralyzing sadness.

He wishes he could call Babe. The thought shot a dart of ice cold pain through his heart, and he bent into it with masochistic relish chased eagerly by helplessness, like dogs after a rabbit. Babe had probably had the same thought a hundred times this last year and Joe hadn’t been there, so he supposed he gets what he deserves in this instance. If only it didn’t hurt so much, if only Joe had had the stones to own up to the hazy unreality that he walked in now, where the world is somehow exactly as it had been and yet forever changed, forever darkened by love like a bruise over an eye.

Eye, eye, eye. I, I, I.

It’s why they had fought. Why he had taken this anger, this hurt, and made it into something solid and unyielding that he could hit David with. Because Joe blamed himself for all of it, for leaving, for changing, for believing that life and the people he had known inside of it would wait until he was strong, ready, and not go on and on until, suddenly, it was gone.

But that hadn’t been what he said. What he’d said to David’s face was: it’s your fault, you made me this way, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have left.

He’d known it wasn’t true even as he said it, but the way the guilt flew from his body and seemed to slam into David’s was a momentary balm, the kind of relief that sleep used to bring him. The feeling was fleeting, no more than a moment, and an entirely new kind of guilt had replaced it as David’s face, his pale, beautiful face, had frozen, shuttered, and was gone. Joe hadn’t even been able to make his mouth work to speak, to take it back, and realized as fast as anything that he hadn’t changed at all. Here he is, still making the same mistakes.

Apologies don’t come easy to him, they clog up his mouth like stones until he can’t make the sound of them, can’t spit them out or swallow them down and only learn to hold their weight. He makes them, but rarely means them, or let himself feel them, allows them to be little more than platitudes.

But he finds he wants to apologize now. He wants it so badly that his silent, cold chest is throbbing with it.

To Babe, to Gene, but most especially to David.

David had been afforded so few choices in the improbable time he’d been walking the earth, had been offered so little consolation for the things that had happened to him, what he’d had to endure and what he’d had to do just to stay on the earth long enough for Joe to find him again. And he’d let Joe choose for himself, to leave and to change, the two choices that David had never gotten. Joe had known, deep in his bones, threaded all the way through his heart, that had he chosen to be human forever, to let himself slip and fall down the long path towards death, David would have let him do it. He was full of the kind of grace that Joe never was, maybe never could be.

Joe had known it all, and had said the words anyway.

It’s worse than an insult. It’s blaming David for something he never had control over in the first place.

The Joe that David had fallen in love with would never have done something like that. He had chosen to die rather than live without him.

What a waste of whatever goodness he might have had then, and then, and now. He owed David more. He owed himself more.

It’s a paralyzing breed of shame, an isolating kind. He knows he has to apologize, he wants to apologize, and hanging over the top of it like a heavy crown was the fear that it wouldn’t be accepted, that he’d fall victim to the same curse that David had and walk the earth alone for a century just hoping to find love again. Wouldn’t he deserve it?

God, he wishes he could drink that coffee right now. Wishes he could have something other than this horrible crush of pain inside himself.

Unless he wanted to go back behind the counter and eat. But he doesn’t feel all that inclined to cherries right now, and it's getting to be too late to find anything prime on a weeknight.

There should be vampire Lexapro, it’s too much work to have to purposefully hunt someone down just to get a taste for a couple of hours before it burns off. Maybe he and David should finally watch True Blood, maybe that’s something they do in fake Louisiana. If he’s forgiven, that is.

He should be hungry. He should want and want and want, never stop wanting, until maybe one day he shrivels up like a dead flower and turns into dust and makes the world look just a tiny bit dirtier because he lived in it.

David would be right not to forgive him, but Joe knows that he will. He waited 100 years for Joe, he gave him a choice with no privisos, and Joe knows that he’ll forgive this but it doesn’t make the guilt any better, in fact it makes it all worse. How can Joe ever repay him? How can he let him know that the 100 years of waiting, of thinking the love they’d shared in another life was all gone, was worth it? So far he’s done a shit fucking job of it.

Joe never thought he’d be married, but here he is. It’s deeper than a marriage, the bond they had made, the vow he took, powerful enough that once given a single taste it had stopped his heart forever.

And he might still be human enough to want to honor something like that, even in the moments when he’s weak. He had said it many times, to many people, holding them back as they tried to leave, making promises, fighting for something intangible: but I can change.

He’d changed. But there can always be more, right? This is where it starts.

A chilling, chilling thought; that wide swath of eternity that stretched out ahead of him was only the beginning, and all over the horizon were pieces of lightning, rolls of thunder, mistakes he’s yet to make, apologies he’ll drop at David’s feet. It’s like being a child all over again, except this time he knows just how black the world can be.

Oh, but how bright as well. How soft, and warm, and ready to envelop him in its arms and carry him to different places, happiness bursting from every pore like light, like he was made of something better, incredible and impervious. He had almost forgotten it when he met David, had to pry the doors of himself open to let the sweetness of it in, and ever since he’s felt it every day. Not from sunrise to sunset, sometimes for no more than a minute, but each day of their union David makes him happier than he’d ever dreamed he could be.

He feels himself roused from his newborn’s sleep, the non-sleeping trance he’ll go into as he adjusts to nonstop wakefulness, by David’s hands each day. The way the old self had loved to be touched, the way that David remembered to touch him, the way that Joe had learned he had wanted to be touched all his life. Fingers rubbing up along his hairline, down the line of his forehead, against his temples, soothing the ghosts of Joe’s stress, his worries, with nothing but the warmth of his hand.

He’s only whole at all because David put him back together.

Love is a many splendored thing…

Over the speaker the song begins, low as a drawl through his ears, and he slumped back against his seat to look out once more towards the parking lot, to the lonely mound of his car in the center of the tableau.

But his car isn’t so alone anymore.

In the high, white lights of the lot he spots the silhouette of a figure perched on the hood of his car, back to the window, face tilted out towards the woody area just beyond beneath the brim of a dark blue, almost black, hood.

Joe sighed, and smiled as he caught himself doing it, feeling relieved and filled with dread. He made himself move methodically, trying not to look as hurried as he felt, as eager to run out to him, as he packed up his laptop, stowed it away, tossed a $20 down next to his cup of cold coffee. The waitress hung back behind the counter, scrolling away on her phone and not looking up as Joe passed, and he moved away from her scent gratefully, the bell above the door tinkling above his head as he moved out to the cold beauty of the night air. It’s cold enough that he should have had to burrow deeper in his coat, but he moved through it like a knife through butter, unflinching, eyes locked on the lone figure atop his car.

At his approach David didn’t turn to face him, but he didn’t need to. Joe knew he was heard, expected, and he sat beside him easily, keeping a scant few inches between their bodies like the words he had spat out formed an invisible wall. His profile is set, perfect, his eyes anchored towards the wooded horizon blankly, pupils flat in the way Joe knows now means he’s eaten, lips like a poisonous bud resting placidly, the threat of its bloom sending a shiver through Joe that had nothing to do with temperature.

“David…” he ventured, soft, a little creep across the silence. “Please say something.”

David barely reacted to his voice, eyes falling down to the ground like dead leaves. “I don’t know what to say to you, Joe.”

“Tell me to go fuck myself,” Joe said, low and strained with the reminder of his pain. “Let fly on me, I can take it.”

“I’m not going to do that,” he replied gently, eyes still held just beyond Joe’s reach.

Joe felt a psychosomatic tightness in his throat, unable to tell anymore where real pain began and his remembered responses ended, trying to think of when he won’t even remember how to fake the feeling of a flush, the urge to hide away. “I’m so sorry, David.”

He nodded under the protection of his hood. “I know it.”

“I forgive you,” David said simply, still sounding a million miles away from where they sat beside each other.

He ached to reach out to him, but held himself back. “I didn’t mean it, I…” he fumbled, closing his eyes like he could look for sense just behind his eyelids. “I wanted you to feel like shit because I feel like fucking shit, I didn’t mean any of it.”

“You don’t need to forgive me right now,” Joe shook his head, brow furrowed and jaw clenched. “I just need you to tell me you know I didn’t mean it.”

David finally looked to him, the line of his mouth thick with tension. “You did mean it.”

His hands twitched beside him, reaching out just to pull back before they could latch onto David’s face. “No, I didn’t. I’m a bastard, I wanted to hurt you and I obviously did, but I never meant it, David. Never.”

“But it’s true,” David insisted, solid and unyielding, his eyes cold in the night.

Joe let himself break the tiniest bit, unable to stop from taking David’s hand in his own, the two of them cold to the touch, small traces of warmth that may or may not be there between their palms. “You think for one second I would do something I didn’t want to do?” he challenged, David’s hand pliant between the twin pressures of his own. “I chose this, not you, none of this shit is your fault.”

“I should have been better,” David said quietly, eyes sliding from Joe’s eyes, down his face, down to the ground. “Should have asked you to reconsider -”

“I wouldn’t have listened,” Joe said, low and sure, David’s eye falling in reverse, back to Joe’s with that terrible, palpable fragility Joe sometimes forgets he has inside him at all. “No matter what you’d have done, I would have chosen you every time.”

David looked at him reservedly, the shadow of doubt in his eyes, but he let Joe hold his hand anyway.

He’s too good. Joe loves him too much.

“I’m sorry,” he said, the words willing and eager to be free from his body, offering themselves out to David like golden barbs, little sharp things that Joe keeps hidden away inside himself. But if anyone deserves them - has ever deserved them, it’s David. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry about -” David began, hushed, mouth bunched at the corners like he wasn’t sure he should say it at all. “About your friends.”

It’s another arrow of fire through his chest, and he smothers its flames by bringing David’s hand to his mouth, pressing a worshipful kiss to the soft, cool skin at the back of his hand. “It's not your fault I wasn’t there,” he said, the truth singing his tongue, no less painful in its accuracy, in the stinging thought that what happened to them - whatever it had been - would have happened whether Joe had been there or not.

“And it’s not your fault, either,” David countered, earnest as he ever was.

Joe doesn’t know if he believes that. He knows it’s the truth, but he can’t believe in it.

But he’ll try. If it means there’s a chance to be forgiven he’ll try, and as he does it he’ll keep hope alive in his silent heart as best he can. The same as he’s sure Babe did for him.

Joe gave in, weak and pitiful and undeserving of the way David didn’t flinch away from him as he bends, slumps against him until he can wrap his arms around him fully, hold him closer than he ever held anyone else in that long-ago life.

“You made me better than I was,” he rasped, face pressed in against the thick fabric of the other man’s hood, heartened by the way David went loose against him, his hands sliding over the plane of Joe’s back. “You’re the only reason I ever wanted to be better. I left because I love you,” he rambled, a hushed, hurried string of words that were no less stinging in their truths. “Tell me you know that.”

David held his silence long enough that Joe began to feel the individual parts of himself begin to separate, split like the joints of a marionette.

“I came back to you,” Joe said, the words coming almost before he thought them. “I think I loved you before I even knew you.”

Tipping into the embrace, David turned his face into Joe’s presence, nose pushing at the brim of his hood until it fell back and he kissed against Joe’s hair, tender and kind. “I wanted so much better for you,” he said, soft enough that its edges crack around his voice, his hands tight across Joe’s shoulders. “But I was selfish.”

Joe scoffed, touched and devastated. “You fucker,” he chastised, pulling back to look David in the face, curling his hand around the line of his neck, holding him close and refusing to let his eyes get away once more. “There isn’t anything better than you. Not for me.”

Smile weighed down at the corners by a peculiar sadness, David brought his hand to Joe's face, smoothing his thumb along his cheekbone and giving a slow shake of his head. “I forget how young you are,” he said, something like wonder in his voice. “You have a thousand lifetimes to realize just how wrong you are about me.”

“Bullshit,” Joe shot back, pulling him in to press a kiss against the pale peak of his cheekbone, sighing a worthless sigh at the feel of David’s eyelashes against his skin. “I’ll spend a thousand lifetimes coming back to you.”

David smiled again, soft and yet luminescent, like candlelight against Joe’s face, and he let Joe come to him readily, taking his face and steadying him into a kiss that made the brittle pieces of his soul tremble inside with want, with love. His mouth moved beneath Joe’s own unquestioningly, allowing itself to be kissed, kissed, his hands against Joe’s back pressing into the muscles there, easing an ache that was no longer felt. With gentle insistence he coaxed David’s mouth open, slipping his tongue into the other man’s mouth to taste the hours he’d missed: something heavy, rich, perfect the way expensive meat used to melt in his mouth and become elemental, coagulated power.

The way it still was, in the night. In the blood.

Above them the faded, white tones of the lamps high above the parking lot suddenly flared, becoming fistfuls of neon stars that hummed loudly with the rush of their affection before bursting into explosions of glass, sparks lighting their death down to the ground. Behind them he could see the illumination of the restaurant's front window as it abruptly screamed into overload, lights bright, bright, bright, and then dying in the space of a moment, the music slumping, garbling away and leaving them in their blessed, familiar dark.

David huffed a laugh against his mouth, and Joe’s eyes were powerful enough in the dark to see the pleased turn of his lips as he kissed his cheek, his jaw. “You need to be more careful.”

“That was you, too,” Joe brushed off, pushing a hand through the other man’s hair and moving the hood back and off to give his face to the moonlight. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” David nodded, his own hand moving to curl against Joe’s neck, eyes gleaming in the shadows with understanding.

Joe opened his mouth, began to apologize again, but thought better of it and simply kissed him once more, sloppy and needful the way he so often felt. Releasing a long sound into the grasp of the kiss, David pulled him in closer, the two of them sliding slightly against the hood of the car in the growing chill, and Joe let himself be moved, allowing the pace to be set. It’s just another moment where by all accounts he should look down at his existence and be baffled by how the strange is now routine, how though he can no longer create his own warmth he finds it in the arms of another. How he can allow himself to be forgiven as easily as he can ask for it.

He’ll change for the better. Hopefully he changes and never stops changing.

For now he’ll settle for being grateful to be given the chance at all.

Grateful enough to test just the slightest bit.

Planting his feet against the hood of the car, Joe tightened his grip over David’s shoulders, pulling out of the kiss long enough to speak. “Hold on,” he said, low and teasing, smiling at the way David first frowned and then rolled his eyes. “And don’t help me.”

“It’s hard not to,” David sighed, but kept a loose grip over Joe’s body as he concentrated, eyes fluttering, before he tentatively reeled him into another, softer kiss. Slowly he began to feel it thrumming under his skin, flowing through his veins like silver cords that eased him up, up, easily enough that he barely paid attention as David deepened the kiss, letting Joe’s insistence guide them up until together they were barely braced on their feet. Making a pleased sound, Joe smiled and tipped his face up to the sky as his feet left the hood of the car, David’s body pressed against his own as they floated, dangling up high, and then higher in the dark with no light to illuminate the way save for the touch of the moon. It’s his favorite of all the things his new body can do, this nothing power, good only for moments like these when he needs the earth itself to fall away under his feet.

It still had a reaction on him, exertions like speed, strength. In his mouth he felt his fangs prick up, and he pulled in David’s entirety eagerly, desperate for scent, for taste, and finding them both held surely in his arms. As they kissed he let himself scrape against David’s lips with the tip of one of the fangs, the sweet, deep scent of vampire blood filling his senses, and he put his mouth to it urgently.

“You’re incredible,” David said on the edge of a laugh, delighted by thoughts Joe only wished he could hear.

“I had a good teacher.”

“You’ll be invincible in a year,” he went on, tipping back into the kiss messily, letting the air swirl around them as they floated above the darkened parking lot of a Denny’s. “In five, I can’t begin to imagine.”

Humming disinterestedly, Joe pressed a red kiss against David’s cheek, pulling in the smell of cypress, amber, comfort and indulgence in one. “You won’t have to imagine, you’ll be there with me.”

David accepted the kiss, turning his face to the promise and setting his own against the inky strands of Joe’s hair. “I will be.”

There must be goodness left inside of him, even now, to have earned something like this. He’ll try not to waste any more of it.

#webgott #down comes the night #vampires love denny's #as they should #stop Thinking and start Kithing 2k22

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transpoettryinghisbest · 2 years

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(this is a sequel to this fic. Trigger warnings are in the tags.)

“So how is he?”

“The doctor said he's doing well. The scarring has almost healed and he's responding well to his meds.” I hand her the doctor's report, but she just glances at it. “He should be back to normal in about two or three days?”

“That's great to hear.”

“Yeah. He didn't seem too happy, though. To see me, I mean. He kept asking about you.”

She chuckles. “He gets annoyed when I leave him there for long periods of time. I've told him I have a job to do, other things to attend to. I do appreciate you going to check on him. Thanks, Phoenix.”

“No problem, I'm always happy to help.”

“I should be able to visit him later this evening, if I can get all of this done.” She skims through documents on her desk. “Maya's still at her training. Remind me to call her later?”

“Will do. Is there anything else you need?”

“Charley's looking a bit dry.”

“On it, Chief.”

“I hope Diego wasn't too hard to deal with,” she says, as I'm filling up the watering can.

“Huh? No, it was fine.”

“His pain puts him in a bad mood sometimes.”

I guess I'd be grumpy if I was permanently in pain too. It's not something I want to think about.

“I think he just misses you,” I say. “He seemed almost worried about you.”

“He should worry about himself more. His recovery was going really well until that incident.” She sighs and rubs her forehead. “No, that didn't come out right.”

“Chief?”

“He saved my life and that's the thanks I give him? Victim shaming him for almost being murdered?”

I put the watering can down and walk up to her desk. “Are you okay?”

“Fine. Just tired. I've got…a lot going on.”

“Sounds like it.”

“I know the last thing Diego wants is to cause me stress, but he does. Even though it's not his fault. He's had so many health checkups, changes in medication, flare days… It's just a lot. But I feel like I can't complain, because the alternative would be that he didn't survive his coma at all. I hate to see him in pain, but I couldn't bear it if I couldn't see him at all.”

“He was in a coma for a really long time, right?”

“Five years. The doctors said it'd take a miracle for him to wake up.” She smiles. “But he's quite good at miracles.”

Diego Armando is one of the biggest names in law. I've seen him in court, and he's everything I aspire to be. The only person I admire more than him is Mia. But I have my own personal reason for that.

“He was poisoned, right?” I say. “Five years ago.”

“That's right. It feels so distant now.”

I swallow, not sure if I really want to ask what's praying on my mind. But I've been taught not to run from the truth.

“Mia? The one who poisoned him…was it Dahlia Hawthorne?”

That name sends a small reaction through her. Like a bad memory.

“I'm surprised it took you this long to figure it out,” she says.

“I…I think I always knew. It was too coincidental. But…after that trial, I didn't want to think about her anymore. I was… so hurt. And I had other things to focus on, a new career.”

“I certainly kept you busy.”

“Yeah. You…you always knew. That's why you took my case in the first place, right?”

“That's right. I promised him that I'd catch Dahlia for both of us. And I promised you that I'd get you the verdict you deserved. And I did.”

“Thanks.”

“What I wasn't expecting was for you to come back and ask me to mentor you.”

“Right. You didn't have to do that.”

“You were very convincing. Which is good because that's a big part of the job.”

“No, I mean…because of what I did. Because of Dahlia.”

I was so confused. Part of me still is. The idea that someone I thought I knew and loved could just…switch. I didn't want to believe it. But Mia forced me to. And honestly? I needed that force. There was no gentle way to tell me that I was dating a serial killer. I learnt the hard way, and I like to think I grew up and got stronger because of it.

“You didn't harbour any resentment against me for it?” I ask.

“At the time? Absolutely. You wouldn't believe how frustrating you were as a client. But I didn't blame you. Besides, people grow and change. I took you under my wing because I felt you deserved the chance. And because you looked like you needed a little guidance.”

“You've done a good job, Chief.”

“I like to think so.”

“What about Mr Armando? Does he know? About me?”

“He knows that Dahlia tried to frame you for Mr Swallow's murder. That's it. I might be the forgiving type, but Diego… Well I'd rather not risk some kind of awkward tension between the three of us. So your secret's safe with me.”

“Thanks, Chief. For everything.”

“Well if you want to thank me-” She pushes a pile of documents towards me. “You can help me out with these.”

“Sure.”

#I was wondering where phoenix fits into the Mia lives au #Turns out he plays therapist and does chores #ace attorney #phoenix wright #mia fey #ace attorney godot #fanfiction #prosecutor godot #ace attorney fanfiction #diego armando #tw coma #tw hospital #Tw scars #tw medicine #tw chronic pain

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takoichigo · 8 months

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I woke up at 8:30 PM today.

I didn't really sleep last night, caught a couple of hours between like 10 and noon, but I had to get up at noon and gather my laundry because a friend's mom volunteered to do it for me. I haven't really been able to do it myself in about a month.

I took a shower today too. I didn't get one before my appointment Monday because I overslept and I haven't otherwise left the house since last Thursday, which I think was the last time I showered. Don't get it twisted, I sit in the tub multiple times a day to relieve my pain that still isn't under control, but my hair...

...I have been losing it. A lot of it. Not all of it, and it doesn't hurt like I've heard it can with chemo. But colon cancer chemo isn't supposed to make all your hair fall out, it'll just "thin". It was already thin to begin with. I haven't looked in the mirror in a week, I'm kind of afraid I have bald spots. It's also much too long so I always just have it piled in a bun on my head (also to keep it out of the water when I'm in the tub).

I went off topic. Anyway. Showered. My laundry was picked up. Laid down and tried to watch some Red Dwarf. Made it through a couple episodes before I conked out. Slept from about 2:30 to 8:30. Woke up at 4, took my medicine, immediately fell back asleep. My bed has no sheets on it, I had to send the ones that were on it to be washed because my AC went out a few weeks ago and I've just sweated so much into them that they were stiff.

I'm not sure if I just was comfy because I'd showered and felt clean, or that I was not lying on a stiff sheet that smelled like B.O., or that only my daytime meds do enough for the pain that I can actually sleep, but I was out cold.

I guess I'm just nocturnal now. I hate this, I take meds at 11:00 PM to *help me sleep* and they fucking don't do anything in the face of the pain I'm in. I'm in the tub right now because the pain flared up and I couldn't lie there.

But I sent all my sheets and towels to be washed...which means I'm air drying when I get out I guess before I try to go back to bed. With no sheets on it. Not that I'm going to sleep. I'll sleep tomorrow during the day and be woken up by phone calls and texts and shit. Because y'know. Normal people hours. My laundry will be here in a few hours, she said she'd drop it off in the morning for me. I'm hoping I'm not asleep when she comes.

I can't do anything anymore. Especially at night, when the pain is the worst. So being nocturnal does nothing for me. Just being up out of bed is really tiring really fast.

But things are getting better I guess. The tumor has shrunk. The levels of the cancer indicator in my blood have gone way down (though they're still too high for a normal person). Blood count is too low, still, it's worse than it was before but I guess still not bad enough for a transfusion. No wonder I've been nearly passing out when I stand up.

I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't go out and do anything, I just...lie in bed. My car is still broken. I couldn't drive if I wanted to anyway... I'm way too weak and shaky, and sitting is almost always painful. Road bumps are god-awful. I've been playing Stardew Valley again because it feels like I'm accomplishing something. I've hit walls I don't want to deal with in almost every other game I have. Which sucks, but...why do I need to stress myself out over it?

My friends are really busy. I haven't seen much of them lately, and the one just always seems like I'm stressing him out when I do see him. The other one just got a new job and blanks out and freezes when I'm upset around him, which happens pretty often, because it's super easy to upset me. Usually just the pain will do it, but also, everything I'm going through is either terrifying or frustrating. I upset another friend the last time they visited, because they hadn't seen me so weak. Everyone keeps saying they're sorry I'm going through this. I hate hearing it. I don't want my friends to be sad or upset around me. I don't want to cause them to be stressed out. It's already so hard to ask for help as it is.

I don't really know why I'm writing this post. Honestly it just feels like I haven't talked to anyone in so long that's had enough time to listen. And probably no one will see this. Which is kind of okay. I feel like I'm just whining anyway.

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bekindtoyou4007 · 1 year

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Lovely evening eating oatmeal and watching a documentary, just sitting and letting my body relax with in the warmth. Long day, 200 mile round trip. I blew off any more work when I got home, let myself find the playfulness again. I've done a foot bath before bed and changed into nice jammies. I will have to go swimming tomorrow to keep my exercise levels up. I'm feeling good, no massive emotions flaring up. I am having some disturbing dreams that are really thinly veiled about my family and I guess I should have expected that. I made the decision yesterday to finally express myself to my dad. I just couldn't go on any longer pretending things were fine and holding my tongue when he says and does things I have a serious problem with. In my attempt to be the bigger person I have tolerated the intolerable because I had no idea how to strike a balance between wanting to be there and support people I love without enabling bad and sometimes outright dangerous behaviour. It's like walking out of a fog. I'm experiencing the back draft of it now. I don't expect any miracles, if anything the most likely outcome is a very unpleasant response, but I now needed it to be said. I waited so long it had to happen. I can't allow him to call me up and attack me like that ever again. It hurts me so badly and that's what I've been struggling with the past few years. Everytime I get drunk and start weeping hard and can't stop and don't know why. There's these massive reservoirs of pain and they only get bigger frankly when I hang around a man who used to Beat me and only stopped because he got too disabled to continue, and do favours for him and talk to him and have to listen to him talking about what a great dad he was. It's like too much psychic damage, or something, and I'm so grateful to my healthy adult brain with good coping mechanisms for being like 'you know what this has to stop right now'. I couldn't have gotten as far as this realisation without so much love and support from myself and also insight and patience from other people and I'm not about to throw all that away and keep 'this is fine!'-ing my way into a very bad way, like my mother. She's another story entirely. I'm glad she finally has her bipolar diagnosis official but we're a long way from being able to tell her straight that the way she treated me as a child was abuse, plain and simple, and her illness explains but doesn't excuse the abject cruelty she frequently showed me. I don't think parents should mock and bully their children. And her having an illness doesn't necessarily completely answer why she felt able to do that without remorse for years on end until I stopped being around her. But she's very new to her diagnosis, presumably, and I will give her a chance as always I give everyone to make a good decision. I'll be clear I'm not tolerating going back to that house with both parents under 1 roof again as it's caused immeasurable misery to both parents and they can't heal in this dynamic as it's retraumatising and Co dependent... I've said I think they should live apart a good few times now I guess ball is in their court. But never again am I tolerating what's happened the past few years because its not acceptable. I'm really proud of myself for seeing that now these years on and it's exciting in a sense to be in this period of growth and renewal. Things are going so well career wise, I'm in the best shape I've been since possibly ever, at least since a teenager. I'm a married property owner. I can pay taxes and house train a dog and make a good pulled beef ragu and make friends. I'm doing good.

#daily #12.12.2022 #tw domestic abuse #tw domestic violence

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levisgirll · 3 years

Note

Hi, I'm really enjoying your Levi writings, especially post ch 139. My1st req, I've been thinking about post war Levi, mainly healed from any injuries but sometimes his old wounds flare up. Back, legs, ect. Would like a modern AU hc of a night where it's bad, what's he do? Bath, heating pad, meds, ect? (Would he hate meds?) Would he ask for help? What if his s/o were there, or particularly his unspoken attraction? Say he's stuck in position from pain and they sit/lay behind him so he can rest.

𝐀𝐎𝐓 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 (𝟑)

𝙃𝙚𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣 ♡♡

note: A lot of really cute fluff that I’m sure will warm your heart- don’t miss this out!

Thanks for the questions!

I am so glad that you are enjoying them 🥺 it means a lot to me ♡♡ (I combined this both as a discussion and adding some headcanon ideas as you did mention them both<3 but if you want a fanfic then let me know!)

This is a very interesting topic and I always wanted to share my thoughts and ideas about this! Post war Levi would finally for once in his life feel relaxed, ease up and he won’t have to be worried or overthink anymore for 24/7 (about titans, and especially his s/o living another day or not). His life becomes even much better when he lives with his s/o, and it feels just too good for him how they would still be there, alive and by his side all day long and he would usually think he’s stuck in a dream because living with s/o had always been one of his goals and wish.

Levi just loves how his s/o would always wake up every morning to go get him tea and while they are at it, they would go get warm towels to apply and put it on his shoulders as usually when he wakes up it would be stiff, and his s/o knows him too well that they got that prepared for him. Levi would actually love it when Y/N gives him warm towels or applies for him the heating pads for his back, places he couldn’t reach, and this would help improve his damaged muscles and his back stiffness. He adores you too much and while you are doing it, Levi would would just sit on the edge of the bed, shirtless, just staring at you and when you glance at him, Levi always has a look of admiration in his eyes when he looks at you, his facial expression says it all and after you are done he would lean in to kiss you softly and then whisper “Thank you, my love.” so faintly and you would only be able to hear that if the room was pitch quiet, and if you missed hearing it, Levi would not repeat it as this man is quite shy sometimes. Speaking about that, post war Levi would start to stutter, blush and be shy way more when he tries to be more romantic with you <3

Although, when he thinks about doing some romantic stuff with you when you both are alone, he would hesitate and might end up not doing them. That’s because, I find Levi the type who would maybe struggle with his new looks (the scares on his face) and becomes a bit insecure. As he is quite emotional, this side of him would show a lot and whenever he looks at the mirror and sees that long scar on his face, his eye being damaged, he would think and wonder “Do they still even love me while I look like this? Half of my face is injured.” He would then realize that he would have a lot of scars on his upper abdomen, chest and shoulder and Levi would stop going shirtless during nights when you both sleep. Y/N starts to pick up on that and when they mention about it, Levi would just brush it off and say he would be cold later the evening (which is a lie, the man is burning up everytime he touches your body or looks at you, especially when you are both sleeping on the same bed where he holds you so closely)

When Y/N offers they want to help him with treating his wounds, I don’t find Levi the type who would reject their offer, in fact he would feel grateful how they are willing to help him and it makes him feel a bit loved to be honest, he would be very calm about it and pass you the bandages silently with a slight nod, indicating that he is fine with you treating him. And you are the ONLY one that Levi allows you to treat him. However, I think this would only go on a bit in the beginning, later on he would hesitate and try to treat his scars and wounds himself whenever you are not in the bedroom. That’s not because he does not want you to treat him, but because I think Levi would start to feel maybe a bit insecure with the scars he has on his body and feels like he would have to hide them. He wants to recover and his wounds/scars to heal FAST so that he can start to feel comfortable and show you even more love, he would start to overthink too and probably think that you mighttt find him ugly! He never wants to ask you that because he is scared to find out the truth.

There was a night though, where his old wounds would flare/open up, and he would feel extreme pain that night. He would slowly get off the bed and let you go (as he was hugging your waist while you were sleeping) and try to go to the bathroom to get some painkillers to ease the pain. The pain would come from his back muscles, and then he would groan and wince from the pain as he struggles to get the muscle deep pain reliving cream. Y/N would then notice the other side of the bed being empty and cold (as Levi is not warming them up anymore with his hug) and wake up, they then notice he is in the bathroom and head there. “Levi? Dear, are you okay?” They would say as they approach Levi. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Levi turned quickly, and holding his s/o’s hands, showing them that he is alright. Levi would probably try to hide his pain later on, because he does not want to show you his ‘weak side’ as he would think and not be a burden to you. You are quick to read the atmosphere and knew something was up, “I asked you a question first, are you okay?”. Y/N would sound like an angel to Levi, his eyes would soften and wonder how did he actually end up with an amazing person by his side who actually loves him and cares about him. He would then give in, not hiding it anymore and letting them know that his wound from his back muscle started to flare up.

Y/N would take Levi to their bed, let him rest and lay on his chest while they would gently caress his back with the pain relief cream and massage him. Oh, how amazing he felt that night, he felt even more in love with you and his love kept on growing. Just with your touch, and your gentle hands as they massage his back would help him so much, his pain would be easily gone, and he would close his eyes softly and finally relax as you massaged him. As you were massaging him, you started to admire how amazing his back muscles, biceps and triceps were and that his scars made him look even more attractive and it was a sign showing how strong and amazing ‘Y/N’s man’ was. “Wow, Look at my man. You are so handsome.” Y/N would say in a amazed tone and smile at him while his face would go super red, “R-Really...If I am like that to you in your eyes....That only matters to me.” With your help and words to Levi that night, his insecurities slowly drifted away and he started to appreciate his scars now, and also see it as a reminder and a sign/indication that he served his duty for all his fallen comrades and he would not have to have any more regrets as Y/N would say, and that helped him so so much. He really cherishes and admired you, you have no idea <3 Levi would also give you that unspoken attraction, asking for another back massage session, would do it for you too for your shoulder after you massaged him behind you as you are making tea for him and then he would hug your waist from behind, putting his face in your shoulder and breathing in your beautiful scent and start giving you a trail of kisses on your shoulders and up to your neck, the room would then be filled with giggles from Y/N and that warms Levi’s heart <3

Levi would probably hate to take some medicines if they tasted bad and he would try to avoid it, but Y/N would definitely help him out and try to help him take it with his food which he found was a good idea and it slowly helped him take the meds, he would only do this if you were with him and then you noticed how Levi would actually act like a teenage kid sometimes. “Y/N, I told you, I only take them if you are with me, and if its your food that I am eating.” Levi would say as you sighed, after asking him when getting back from the store if he took his meds or not. He loved your food so much and he would be the type not to eat food from outside if it wasn’t yours. He thinks everything you do or make is amazing and he loves it if you did anything just for him, his love for you was strong and whenever he thanks you, he would give you a smile that would warm your heart. “Tell me, is there something else you want?” You would say with a big smile, and Levi would come and approach you, then say while he brings his hands to caress your cheeks gently, “Yea...I want you.” You both spend a long afternoon with cuddles and kisses and Levi was not planning to let you go, post war Levi would be a clingy man to Y/N! Y/N would then give him ‘marks’ instead on his neck if they had a heated makeout session and they would say “I’ll give you a mark instead.” Oh how now he really admires that so much and would always crave for that now <3 you made him feel amazing and he made you feel special. It was a mutual love, putting effort into the relationship and Levi loved that as he is the type who would usually depend on emotional attraction instead.

I find Levi the type of guy who might feel guilty/ashamed or feel a bit bad whenever he asks for help from Y/N, he wants to be the man to be there for you and helping you 24/7 instead. For example, when he is finding it a bit difficult to get up from his chair as his wounds and pain start to flare up, and he would struggle to ask for your help and even hesitate to call you out. But as soon as he gives Y/N that look, the unspoken attraction that they have for each other lets them know that he is needing some help. This is when both of them realized, they actually have a special and unique relationship bond, understanding one another so well without even saying it makes Levi feel so lucky and special instead of feeling bad and even though he hates it when this happens, he feels so loved after that and he would then talk so highly of Y/N and his relationship to the others.

Y/N would sometimes get the bath ready and done for Levi and this man would appreciate it so much whenever you do that, he would get lowkey happy and would ask you to join him <3 and after the bath, you would let him rest on your lap and softly caress his hair while he relaxes there and rests. He loves moments like these so much and then he would look up to you, with his eyes filled with love and lust whenever he is looking at your face, your eyes as they sparkle and with the reflection he can clearly see your beautiful shade eye color, and he would reach out to gently pull you closer to his face and give you a passionate kiss.

Finally, definitely post war Levi and Y/N would have unspoken attraction. I feel like this would be more common with Levi, that it is clear he has a strong attraction towards them and he really adores his Y/N a lot but won’t probably say it aloud. It is clear with his actions and when he is close to Y/N, he would hold their hand gently and caress his thumb on Y/N’s hand, indicating that he wants them to stay a bit longer, holding their hand, just to feel their presence. His signs of upspoken mutual attraction would be so strong, he would definitely tease Y/N and enjoy that, smile more when around them and especially when they are treating his wounds. Both would anticipate each other’s needs and wants and Levi and Y/N would feel the chemistry between each other more while Y/N is treating them, Levi would engage in a lot of mutual eye contact. He would do this to indicate that he wants to feel more closer to you (after Y/N would touch his chest and arms) while treating him, and he would go near your lips just to steal a small kiss from you and that would leave you a blushing mess <3 Post war Levi would be a clingy man, and he would open up with you more, finding it easier to talk with you about his wounds/scars as you apply some heating pads on him, and then after everytime you help him out, Levi would always look for excuses to want to help you instead, to make up for it.

I hope this answered your question and this is what I would guess! Anyways, I really loved answering this as this warmed my heart. Levi really deserves this after everything he went through and I lowkey think he would really crave for that! He would hug you everytime and thank you for always being there for him and it would be sincere and wholehearted. Please feel free to send another question or anyone out there who has one! I hope you and everyone else has a good day and let me know if you liked this by leaving a message anywhere, like or a reblog 🥺 ♡ ♡

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we-have-bangtan · 3 years

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BCO (Bangtan Crime Org.)

Pairing: OT7 x Reader

Theme: Mafia au, poly au, smut (later), fluff, sassy female lead.

Warning: Swearing, gore, blood, smut.

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2

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"So, what's the verdict?"

"Oh, she's totally lying. She didn't say a single true thing the entire time she was sitting there. I'm sure if you asked her what color the sky was she would say 'red'." Jin answered as the seven of them gathered inside Namjoon’s office.

“so what do we do now?” Jimin asked, looking at the monitor, she didn’t even try to free herself considering the fact that they had tied her pretty loosely.

“Yoongi hyung, I think you should go in” Namjoon answered, looking into the monitor as well, there was something suspicious about this girl, she didn’t speak and if she did all she did was lie, she didn’t try to escape, she wasn’t even mildly panicking over the fact that the plan to kill atleast one of them had fail. She just sat there with a blank expression.

It irritated Namjoon, how calm she was, he watched patiently as Yoongi hyung went to get the work done, get the girl to tell them something. She was extremely young, younger than Jungkook who was 24 and sipping on banana milk while looking at the monitor as Yoongi came into view.

“Hello little girl” Yoongi greeted, the girl huffed, “Take a seat, this is going to take a long time” she jested, jerking her head towards the empty chair across the table from her, “how kind of you” Yoongi retorted as he took the seat, she rolled her eyes at him.

He got comfortable, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his collar, “So, what’s your name?” he asked, no response, “well then I’ll go first, my name in Min Yoongi, I’m the right hand man” he continued but was quickly interrupted by the girl, “Didn’t your friend already tell you my name? aish, you guys are so boring” she snapped, “boring?” Yoongi questioned, he had actually got a name from Jin hyung but they weren’t sure if she was lying or not.

“so you weren’t lying about that?” he asked, “of course not!” the girl said, her voice full of disbelief, So your name is actually Susan?”, “yes.”, “well that’s funny cuz Jin hyung told me your name was Mary” Yoongi retorted, a smirk taking over his features, “That’s my middle name” She answered, he breathed out a laugh at how hard she was trying, he would have pitied her if she hadn’t tried to kill them.

“Why do you keep lying?” he asked as he got up from his seat, he really didn’t want to hurt this pretty girl but he had no choice, if he needed information he would have to hurt her. She didn’t answer hid question, “is it loyalty?” he asked as he got closer to her, picking up the knife on the table on the way.

“Maybe.” she said, Yoongi ran a finger down the blade in his hand, “look, you tell me everything we need and we’ll let you go” he offered, “No.” was the answer he got, making him sign, “look, you don’t talk you get hurt, I doubt you want to get hurt” he warned looking her in the eye, she simply stared back at him before speaking again, “I like getting hurt”. The fuck, Yoongi thought, she was just like Jin hyung, no wonder Jin hyung had been so frustrated with only 10 minutes of her, but Yoongi wasn;t one to give up easily, he prided himself on his interrogation technique and he was going to get this girl to spill the beans.

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OUTSIDE

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“Do you think she’ll actually talk?” Taehyung asked, he could see why Jin hyung was so frustrated, having to interrogate someone who spoke just like him was difficult especially if they had Jin hyung’s way of deviating from the topic and a phd in the nonsense game.

The six of them payed closer attention to the pictures taken of the girl, she refused to tell them her name, Jungkook had been the one to spot her in the dealership area, atop a building with a sniper gun pointed straight at Namjoon’s head, the girl was clearly very ambitious for wanting to get done with Namjoon first.

“I don’t know, maybe we didn’t pressure her enough yet” Hobi answered Tae’s question, they all looked at the reports that the mafia members had given them, looking for any and all ways that the girl could have come in through, they couldn’t find any loop holes in the guard places.

“She’s so fucking annoying, oh my God” Jin exclaimed as he went through what he had gotten from her (which was basically nothing except for wrong information), “Glad to know you understand what it is like to ask you questions” Jimin retorted with a snigger making Jin glare at him.

“There was someone else with her on the terrace but they got away, she was even looking for them when we were taking her away” Jungkook said over Jin and Jimin’s bickering, “Any clue what that person looks like?” Namjoon asked as he looked at the pictures, the girl was pretty, she probably was a master in the skill of seduction with looks like that. Long, wavy brown hair and jet black eyes complimented her face structure, she clearly had a lot of skills other than being a sniped considering the fact that she had managed to get to the top of the building without being detected.

“All I saw was their back, he was very muscular and then he vanished into the street” Jungkook recalled, thinking a little harder to remember any of the details, “oh and he was wearing a cast, you know the kind they wear when they have a sprained hand, that one” he informed Namjoon who just nodded, a sprain bandage was easy to remove and the muscular back could apply to more than half of the mafia industry. They’d just have to wait and see if the girl gave up any information.

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“Now let us try again,” Yoongi coo’d pressing the knife to the girl’s thigh, “what is your name? and i want a real answer” he questioned, he watched the girl’s eyes shut with pain as the knife pierced her skin, it wasn’t a deep cut, just a slash to the top of her skin, not meant to kill, just to make her talk.

“That felt good, come on give me more” she choked out making Yoongi gape at her, was this girl insane or was she really into knife play to still be able to taunt him like this, he didn’t know anymore. He pressed his palm to the wound, blood coating his hand making her hiss, “your name darling” he asked again, pressing harder onto it. She shook her head, no, she was not going to talk to him yet. He just shook his head, pressing down harder onto the wound, her scream echoed through the room and outside as well making Jin wince outside.

“Yn, my name is Yn” she finally gave in, Yoongi’s hand coming off of her wound, “now, that wasn’t so hard was it, you wouldn’t have had to experience all that had you just answered me” he jested as he wiped his hand off on a rag, the gold rings on his fingers glinting in the yellow glow of the bulb that hung above the two of them.

“Now, Yn, onto the next question, who sent you?” he asked staring down at her, she didn’t answer, she just looked down at her bleeding thigh, refusing to meet his eye, “Speak up dear, unless you want to get hurt” he said, taking a step towards her, she still didn’t speak, he asked again as he ran the blood stained knife from the base of her neck to her chin, he didn’t hurt her, no, he just wanted to instill the fear inside her, it would be a shame to have to slice such a pretty throat, he thought to himself as he waited for an answer, no answer, his swiftly sliced her collarbone, blood seeping out of the cut. The girl hissed but didn’t say anything.

“Is this what you were told to do? give up your life but not give up information, are you really that loyal?” he continued, “Do you really think someone will come for you Yn? do you think they’ll rescue you from us? do you think you’ll get out of here alive?” he bugged as he brought the knife down on the side of her face, another sleek cut on her cheek. “Go away, you’re annoying” she groaned, not even bothering to try anything,Yoongi just laughed at her. She really was loyal, a little too loyal, if he had a person like her in his gang, he would reward her greatly for being so loyal because loyalty was something that was very rare in the mafia business.

“Ok then, why don’t you tell us how you got through our security instead” he offered, she contemplated for a moment before answering, “your security sucks, that’s how”, it pissed him off but he managed to keep his cool, “how so?” he asked, he genuinely wanted to know what was wrong with their security so he could chew Hobi out about it later. “Everything” she replied, “maybe be more specific,” he jabbed as he walked around the room when a sharp knock sounded on the door. “Come in” he permitted leading to Hoseok coming inside.

The two of them exchanged hushed whispers before Hoseok left again. Yoongi leaned against the table looking at the girl, he really did feel pity for her now. “We got a message from your people” he said as he toyed with the knife, her head shot up at the information, were they negotiating with Bangtan for her? were they going to rescue her? were they coming to get her? hope ran through her as she thought all the possibilities.

Yoongi looked back at her once Hoseok left the room, all he felt was pity for her but he wouldn’t show it on his face, nope. “They’re letting you go.” he informed watching as her eyes widened at the news, “look, just tell us what we need and we’ll let you go as well” he told her, he really did feel bad for the girl but he had a job which he was supposed to do.

“No.” she said, looking down at the floor, how could they do this, why would they do this after everything she had done for them, they knew she would hunt them all down one by one once she got out, “why would they do that?” she pondered out loud, “Maybe because they don’t have faith that you’ll come out alive” he answered, watching as anger flared in her eyes, what ever the people who had sent in that message had done, they were going to pay for it dearly.

“Well, how do you feel? to be abandoned just like that?” Yoongi asked, egging her anger on, “you know, being abandoned ever after being so loyal, I pity you, they don’t deserve your loyalty Yn, they don’t deserve it at all” he told her, it was the truth, being so loyal to the gang only to have them not be loyal to you hurt.

Gang life was all about loyalty and this gang that Yn was from was clearly not loyal to its members. “I’ll talk, but -” she paused looking up from the floor, straight at Yoongi, “but what?” he asked, carefully leveling her up, “You need to let me up first, these ropes are giving me a burn” she said, a mischievous grin taking over her face.

“And why would I do that when you came very close to killing Namjoon” he asked with a raised eyebrow, “because I have no reason to kill you anymore, I don’t kill without a purpose” she answered, a challenging look on her face, “give me a minute” he said heading to the door, “either you free me or I free myself dude” she said before he could leave the door. “Can I call my friends here atleast?” he questioned, feeling doubtful about what she was thinking, would she free herself and kill them all? did she have any other hidden weapons? was she capable of killing all of them and making it out alive? he thought about all this before she answered, “Sure, call all your men if you want, I’m harmless when I don’t want to kill.” she assured.

Yoongi shrugged, heading towards the camera that was located, gesturing them to come inside the room, it only took a few moments for the six of them to file into the room, three guards waiting outside for any commands given.

“Anneyonghaseyo!” Yn greeted the six of them who ignored her, quickly circling Yoongi to listen to what he had to say. They spoke in hushed voices, making sure Yn couldn’t hear them before Yoongi turned towards her again, the rest of the boys moving away from him, “We’ll free you but no funny business ok” he said as Jimin came forward to cut the ropes binding her.

“Aishh, I knew the seven of you were handsome, but not this handsome” she said as Jimin released her, moving away from her with caution, “Aish my beautiful hands” she said, taking note of the rope burns on her wrists. “You knew we were handsome?” Jin asked as Yn inspected her injuries he was quite surprised by the news considering the fact that they didn’t know that they were talked about in other mafia circles.

“Umm.. yeah, you guys are kind of a big deal in the mafia, we had a dartboard with your faces on it back at the compound” she said, looking back up at them to see them blushing.

“Uhh.. do -, do you need cotton for that?” Hobi asked pointing at her wounds, she nodded, “and a mirror too please” she requested as she sat more comfortably, untying her legs as well so she could stretch them out, “So what do you guys want from me and what will you give me in return?” she asked a boy rushed into the room with a first aid kit and a mirror before rushing out of the room.

She leaned forward, grabbing a piece of cotton before looking at her face in the mirror, “Aish, could’t you stab me somewhere else, my beautiful face” she whined as she cleaned up the blood and sweat, true Kim Seokjin behavior Hobi thought as she cleaned herself up, waiting for her to get done before they started to question her.

Yn took her time while treating herself, because her injuries were more important than what ever information they needed, she even hummed to herself as she put on the bandage, putting extra pressure on it before taking her hands off.

“Well, what do you need?” she asked sitting up straight. “this place isn’t exactly ideal for business deals, we’ll go upstairs where we can speak comfortably” Namjoon stated, she nodded as she got up, not showing any signs of pain at flexing her thigh.

Jimin and Yoongi followed after her, closing the interrogation room behind them.

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Yn sat comfortably on the huge, luxurious sofa in Namjoon’s office, but she was going to complain about it just because she wanted to, “Yah, is this how the richest mafia lives? sitting on such bumpy sofas?” she groaned as the boys sat or stood at various places in the room, only Namjoon sat in the arm chair opposite to her.

She crossed her injured leg over the other one, she wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, might as well be comfortable. “So...” she began as the same boy who had got her the first aid kit got her a can of coke, she raised an eyebrow at that but didn’t refuse, taking the chilled can in hand she waited patiently for them to say something.

“So...” Namjoon started, the awkwardness settling in the air. “we need information on who sent you and why” Jin asked, trying to help Namjoon out, “what do i get in exchange?” she countered, she was willing to bargain but she needed a price first, “what do you want?” Namjoon asked as she popped the coke can open, the sound of the fizz drowning out whatever she was saying so she repeated again.

“I need a gang,” she said, taking a sip of the fizzy drink before continuing, “I, in case you don’t know me, I am Hwang Yn,” she said making the seven of them look at her with shock, the Hwang’s were quite popular among the mafias, they were born to kill, trained from a young age and only the most prominent gangs had a Hwang in them, Bangtan didn’t have any Hwangs yet, not because they weren’t prominent but because they didn't find the need to have a Hwang, they were also the most loyal clan in the Mafia.

The boys looked at each other, "why do you want to join out Mafia? I'm sure there are plenty of Mafias out there who would be honored to have you" Jungkook said from his spot on Namjoon's desk, toying with one of the paper weights, "who wouldn't want to be in Bangtan, you guys are the biggest crime organization there is in Korea" she answered. Namjoon thought about it, he didn't want to give her a free way, she could still be dangerous. "Are you willing to go through the basic tests for joining?" He asked, leaning forward in his seat, his elbows resting on his knees, his chin in his hand.

"Sure...." she drawled, looking at the seven boys more closely, she was confident, being a Hwang meant that she was multi talented, a great assassin with a strong sense of loyalty, she knew she could win any test that she was faced with.

"Well then, who sent you?" Namjoon asked once they had decided on what Yn wanted in exchange, "they're a group called Metallica, they're in association with JYP; do you have something more alcoholic by the way, this is too soft for my taste" she said holding up the coke, "we'll give you alcohol once you're done answering us" Yoongi snigger, "fine then, get this done quick" She demanded and Namjoon almost kicked himself for nodding at the command.

"Why did they send you?" He questioned before calling Taehyung closer, "get a room prepared for Ms.Yn" he ordered making Tae turn around to leave the room going to get a room prepared.

"You're forgetting that you're the biggest gang there is Namjoon, they want you done and out of the game" she said, Namjoon swore he felt a shiver go up his spine at the way she said his name, "will they send someone else?" He asked as Tae came back into the room, "yes, not immediately but they will come back" she answered.

"Where can I find them, where is their base?" Namjoon asked, making her sign and press the bridge of her nose, "look here Namjoon, you will not go after them" she said, daring him to argue with her, "I will hunt them down myself, no one and I mean absolutely no one let's Hwang Yn go that easily" she finished, silencing any disagreement.

Namjoon was fine with that, they wouldn't have to bother if she was on it, she could hunt them down if that’s what she wanted so be it, as long as she didn’t turn on them they were good. “Okay then, I’ll leave that up to you, now, would you like some rest or food?” He asked, she was surprised with how easily they were ready to give her shelter, they seemed too nice to be a part of the mafia if you looked past the stabbing, drugs and gangs part, “You will be under house arrest for the next few days till you prove that you won’t be running away and after that you can take the test and prove your loyalty and then, you can be a part of the gang” Never mind, they weren’t that nice after all.

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A/n: I'll continue this some other day :D ~ 🦛

Someone asked to be added to the taglist for this fic but unfortunately there is no taglist since it was a spontaneous idea but the rest of the story will be posted under the hashtag #bulletproofco, you can keep checking that hashtag to see if I post :)

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the28thofseptemberr · 3 years

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helloooo!! i didn't do a fic rec last month because i was so busy with my exams and barely had time to read, so this month's post is going to comprise of mostly fics i've read in june but also some i've read in may.

thank you to all of the incredible writers, please go support them!! and remember to read all of the tags and possible warnings before reading the fic! here is the list of fics (mostly below the cut):

read

•° — led by your beating heart by @missandrogyny 29.4k | E | famous harry/non-famous louis

Nick leans over. "Oh," he says, his voice smug. "Who is that?"

Harry just blinks at his phone. "Um," he manages to stammer out.

"Who's that, Harry?" Nick asks again, but this time he raises his eyebrows and smirks. Harry knows Nick is just teasing, and that he's not really looking for new Harry Styles gossip, but, um. He might have found something. Accidentally.

Harry opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is another 'um'. He really needs to work on translating his thoughts into words. But then it probably wouldn't be any help right now, would it? His mind is as blank as a newly erased etch-a-sketch.

"Oh," Nick says again, this time gleefully, seemingly having picked up on Harry's distress. "Looks like we've got a story here! Are you going to call or delete her number?"

Her number. So Nick thinks it's a girl. Well, Harry can't blame him: 'Lou' is kind of an androgynous nickname. His stylist's name is Lou.

But this Lou, well, Louis, he's kind of, really, really not a girl. He's really pretty though, which, is something.

(Or: AU where Harry's in One Direction, Louis isn't, and they reconnect over a game of 'Call or Delete'.)

note: this was so funny and cute and well written, and everyone was characterized so perfectly!! i adored the chemistry between louis and harry, this fic kept me smiling for the whole time while i was reading <3

•° — sounds like love to me by @neondiamond 14.6k | G | kid fic

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?”

Louis watches as Harry’s face falls with the realization that this is one of those things he won’t be able to experience. For a second, Louis considers saying no, to show Harry they’re truly on the same boat through all of this. But he nods in the end, reaching over for Harry’s hand as the doctor flips a switch. Noise fills the room then, and it takes a few seconds for the sound to become clear enough for Louis to make out the baby’s fast heartbeat.

“It’s really fast,” he voices his thoughts out loud as he uses his thumb to tap against the back of Harry’s hand, replicating the rapid rhythm of the baby’s heartbeat. It takes the younger man a little while to figure out what Louis’ doing, but a huge grin breaks out on his face as soon as he does.

“Is that them?” He signs with the other hand, his own eyes starting to tear up when Louis nods.

OR: Harry is deaf, Louis is pregnant. They figure it out.

note: i'm not a fan of mpreg or kid fics in general, but i stumbled across the fic post for this on my dash and the summary sounded really intriguing to me, so i had a go at reading and it did not disappoint!! it was really sweet and fluffy but also so touching and heartbreaking in some parts. plus, i really enjoyed how harry and louis worked together and supported each other.

•° — this restless dream by @afirethatcannotdie 5.6k | NR | first meetings

“Hiii, I called earlier about the dogs?” he asks, taking a few steps closer to the desk where Louis is standing. He’s taller than Louis, with a dimple when he smiles and bright green eyes. There's a cute eagerness about his whole presence. “Do you have any puppies?” He’s a bit like a puppy himself, actually.

AU. Louis works at an animal shelter and Harry wants a puppy. Things don't go quite according to plan.

note: this was so so adorable and soft, especially since i have a soft spot for h&l with pets. i also have a soft spot for h&l being oblivious lovesick idiots and this was perfect!!

•° — all i see is you, lately by @runaway-train-works 2k | G | first meetings

Harry noticed him for the first time three months ago. He couldn’t not, really, what with the man being so pretty and all, and Harry remembers it well because it was three days before his birthday and he had joked to himself that seeing someone so gorgeous for three days on the trot must be an early present from the Gods.

The one where Harry has a crush on a fellow commuter.

note: this one was quite short but so sweet and perfect and lovely!!

•° — the things i'd do to wake up next to you by orphan_account 36.1k | M | amnesia fic

AU. Harry wakes up to a pregnant Louis Tomlinson and a wedding band on his finger.

note: this fic was incredible, i'm always up for an amnesia fic and this one was heart-breaking and realistic but also sweet and fluffy as well :)

•° — this glorious mess by theweightofmywords 14.2k | M | post-breakup

His head lolls to the side, and his eyes float open to focus on what used to be his bedside table.

It’s empty now, devoid of the framed photo of the two of them. And Louis knows that he has no right to feel hurt, but somehow, this only confirms what this really is.

“This is the last time,” he cries, his voice breaking both from pleasure and pain.

“I know, baby,” Harry breathes, burying his face in Louis neck.

note: this is the third mpreg-centric fic i've read this month and... i don't even like mpreg?? but god the premise of this fic intrigued me so much, and it was lovely and emotional and beautifully written.

•° — BLAH BLAH BLAH there's a moment you know (you're f*cked) by @mercurial-madhouse 3.2k | M | spy au

Anyone impulsive enough to betray their country is either foolish or overly-confident. Louis’s too cunning for the former. So his inflated ego tips precariously close to the edge between pride and hubris. In sum: He may be an expert, (as proven by the .32-cal Beretta Alleycat Harry found strapped to his back) but ex-agent Louis Tomlinson will explode like a busted bullet misfiring in a broken gunbarrel if Harry can find his trigger.

___

Or, the spy AU in which Harry thinks he's prepared to meet Louis only to find he's not.

note: the banter and tension in this fic was so good and so fun!! i need moreee

•° — every lonely place by @ham-palpert 38k | E | time travel/alternate lives fic

Facing the fact that he’s been prioritizing his career over his relationship, Harry proposes to his longtime boyfriend Louis on a whim. But when yet another work emergency takes precedence over their plans, Louis decides he’s had enough. Harry goes to bed drunk and alone, and when he wakes, he finds himself in an entirely different world. Over and over again, Harry visits a lifetime he’s once lived, across time and dimensions. And wherever there’s a Harry Styles, there’s a Louis Tomlinson.

note: this was such a unique fic! and such an emotional one too, love the message it sends and the character arc and development was so good

•° — tick-tock by bubblegumclouds 6k | G | soulmate au

When Louis was born to Jay Tomlinson with a tiny 2 years on his clock, it starts the most beautiful love story. Even if things are missed, fate finds a way to make it work.

note: this was just so, so cute and fluffy and sweet! i loved it

•° — baby baby, you're a caramel macchiato by @missandrogyny 3.2k | T | coffee shop au

So, yeah, Harry doesn't think it's that far of a stretch to call himself a good barista. There are some particularly bad ones, and some particularly good ones, and, with his work ethic, his skill, and his charm, he'd probably be lumped in with the latter group.

note: this was so lovely, and i especially really loved the little section talking about louis' name and how it suits him!

re-read

•° — one shines brighter by @afirethatcannotdie 11.8k | T | wedding fic

“Hi, baby. You doing anything fun today?” Harry shrugs. “Dunno. Thought I’d see how I was feeling before making any plans.” “You wanna get married?” Louis asks. Harry’s face breaks into a smile, and he nods. Louis’ lips are just brushing Harry’s when Gemma appears in the hallway. “You two are in so much trouble.” Harry's wedding was never supposed to be the happiest day of his life. No, that was going to be the day after, when he finally got to start his marriage. Unfortunately his family (and Louis) have other ideas.

Featuring a pair of moms who only want the best for their kids, meddling sisters with too much time on their hands, and a groom who gets caught up in the fairytale.

note: i adore this fic!! it's so so so adorable and so soft and well written, and you can feel how in love h&l are with each other. so so good!

my own fics

•° — under your bed in new york 33.4k | T | exes to lovers

"We know you're still in love with Harry."

Louis' nostrils flared up. "I'm not—"

"Louis."

"I'm not!"

there are many things louis likes to tell himself. we broke up for a reason. it's been so many years. and of course, the classic: i’ve definitely moved on from him. but when he suddenly finds harry back in his life after three years, louis realizes he might be a little less moved on than he thought.

au; spilling coffee onto an ex, being set up on dates, and having a nosy puppy might be all louis needs to find love again

note: i didn't actually write or publish this one this month, but i did edit, revamp and make a fic post for it this month so i thought i'd put it in here anyway. reblog the fic post here!

#28th appreciation #tracksintheam #trackinghome #hl source #1d source #fic rec #my fic rec #2021 recs #fic list #june rec #june 2021 rec #*#sched

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16woodsequ · 3 years

Note

Hi I'm back for our weekly ask (I have decided it's our new tradition)

Just wondering do you have any headcannons which are about Steve but not from Steve. Like something Clint or wanda have noticed about him. Or something vision or Tony think about him etc. Any character any cannon, as long as about Steve.

Hope that makes sense, is a nightmare trying to phrase what I'm asking lol

Oooh, I like this tradition! (Also, I’m pretty sure this was the ask that prompted my dream the other day, since it was so interesting I went to bed thinking about it.)

Alright, interesting thing with this question, is Steve is a hard person to get to know. He puts up a front most of the time, so for any of these headcanons, I think they would only happen if the Avengers lived around Steve for a while, so either an AU where they live together, or during the time when Steve is searching for Bucky with Sam, or when Team Cap is on the run together.

That being said, here are a few ideas:

Tony and press conferences

Now, starting off, I think Steve is very practiced at handling press conferences. He would have experience doing it as Captain America during the war. So I think he can generally get through the tediousness of it just as well as Tony can (who would also have a lot of practice with this sort of thing). That being said, I think he would have his limits.

Since Tony is practiced in portraying an image to the press, I think he might grow to recognise Steve doing the same thing, and I think he might learn to pick up the clues for when Steve is done up to here with reports and insensitive questions. I think the signs would be subtle—a narrowing of the eyes here, a pointed remark there, a clenching of the fists here...

And Tony knows it is about time to wrap up the press conference and pull Steve away to somewhere quiet.

Avengers and a super soldier

In general, I think the people around Steve forget just how enhanced he is. Even among the Howling Commandos, I think it would be easy to remember some basic things about Steve’s enhancements; he is strong, he can fight really well, he has good stamina... that sort of thing.

But I think is would be easy to think of Steve as, just a really athletic, strong guy, so I can totally see the Avengers and the Commandos both just being a little shook every once an a while when Steve does something the reminds them just how enhanced he is.

Steve: *scales a 6 story building with out breaking a sweat*

Clint: Um.

Steve: *sitting dead still, eyes wide as he listens in on an enemy encampment a mile away*

Gabe, next to him: Uh.

Wanda

I hadn’t thought a lot about Steve and Wanda, but once I did, I realised that the two of them have a lot in common. Wanda lost Pietro, and Steve lost Bucky. Both Wanda and Steve volunteered for body altering science experiments, and both of them are young. Both of them have lived through war-like conditions, and, after aou, Wanda is all alone in a new country, much like Steve was when he first woke up.

So anyways, I think Steve and Wanda could potentially grow very close. Especially if Wanda accidentally sees something like his nightmares. I think the Avengers and her would have an understanding that she wouldn’t see into their minds purposely, but if it were to happen accidentally, or if Steve’s emotions were to be particularly “loud”, I can see Wanda having an easier time seeing past the Captain Rogers part of Steve than other people would.

Steve and friends

I would like to think that anyone who spends enough time around Steve would eventually be able to pick up on his subtle red flags. I don’t think Steve would ever be very obvious with his problems—unless he were in the middle of a breakdown—but I can see Sam or Natasha being able to tell bad nights from good night by the set of Steve’s shoulders, or how long he spends zoned out over his coffee.

I can see Sam and Nat having a completely silent method of communication for ‘scale of 1-10, how is he?’ and ‘what is the plan?’, sort of thing. (And of course, Steve would do the same sort of thing for either of them, but this is mainly about what others notice about Steve right now.)

Bucky

This is for Commandos-era Bucky, but I was reading a post about subtle signs someone you know is having a chronic pain flare up, and I began thinking about that with Steve and Bucky.

What if, after the serum, Bucky notices that Steve moves differently than he did before? And at first, he thinks it is just new confidence, or a Captain America sort of thing, but after a while he realises it is something different. Steve is moving without pain.

He is so used to picking up on the subtle signs of Steve bracing himself to stand, or moving carefully, or being short of breath for reasons other than asthma. But, by the time Steve finds Bucky, he has been in his new body long enough that he is starting to shed those habits.

I imagine Bucky probably wouldn’t have grasped Steve’s chronic pain quite so well as the moment he realised just how prevalent is was—because he recognises now when it isn’t there.

I hope that is what you had in mind! Let me know what you think!

Headcanon masterpost

#asks #steve rogers #avengers #headcanons #headcanon #marvel #mcu #long post #bucky barnes

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sxngshine · 3 years

Text

Siren

Request: AU: supernatural au! (surprise me) Trope: unrequited love, Prompt: "Sometimes I sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different" [you don't have to do this if you don't like- but I thought it would be fun to submit an entry😅]

Captain!Felix x Sea Creature!Reader

Word count: 3.5k (idk wtf happened lol)

Warnings: Kinda angsty(I suck at angst though so idk if it'll be sad or not 😭), mentions of blood and death.

Description: In which Captain Felix sails a new course unfamiliar in order to return back home, only to enter the territory of someone who’s been eyeing him the moment she sees his ship.

A/N: I’m not sure if the terms I’m using are correct or if anything I’m talking about concerning manning a ship is correct or not, pls forgive me if it’s incorrect but for the sake of this fic we’re gonna pretend it’s right lmao. Also! Our lovely reader will also be played around with cause she was gonna be a siren but like not a siren if ya catch my drift. I'm not as happy with this as I wish i was but that's Okay.

happy reading!!

“Get up everyone! We got a long day ahead of us,” Felix yelled as he walked out of his cabin. The sun had barely risen but Felix was determined to leave as soon as possible so that they stayed ahead of schedule.

The crew slowly rose from their hammocks while the rest trudged out of the crew's cabins, all groaning because of how early it was. The quartermaster, Chan walked up to Felix.

“Morning cap’,” Chan yawned, throwing an arm over Felix’s shoulder. Felix grunted and gave Chan a distasteful look. “No one’s around Hyung, don’t call me cap’.” The shorter blonde pushed Chans' arm off him and walked up to the quarterdeck. All of Felix’s men were to address him as Captain or Sir, but since Felix had known Chan since they were kids, he preferred to be called by his first name when they were alone.

Most of the crew was already on the main deck, getting themselves ready for the day and eating breakfast. Felix walked up the edge of the deck and let out a loud whistle, catching the attention of all the men.

“Rise and shine everyone! We set sail for Korea in 30 so hustle! We still got crates waiting to be loaded!” Felix instructed and was answered by a loud “Yes sir!!!”. He then called over Minho, the ship's helmsman to discuss the route they were taking. Chan clapped Minho on the back before and messed up Felix's hair (much to Felix's dissatisfaction) before he left to supervise the main deck.

By the time everything was loaded and ready, the route was set and everyone was working to sail the ship out to sea once again.

“Captain!” I.N yelled from his position in the nest. Felix poked his head out to see who called him, his attention turning to the boy who was sliding down the rope from the nest and running towards him. “There's a storm up ahead! And it looks like a nasty one,” the boy reported. Felix took out his telescope, and just as I.N said, there was a dark grey cloud heading their way.

There was no way they could go back right now, but it was too risky to try and ride out the storm. Felix walked up to where Minho was steering the ship, looking at the map beside him. “We’ll need to take a detour, are we near any land?” Felix asked, running a hand through his hair. He was positive that the weather wouldn’t be bad for the next few days.

“There should be some land northeast from where we are. But we’ll have to take another route home if we break course right now.” Minho explained and Felix sighed. “Very well,” he turned to Chan who overheard the conversation, giving him the signal. Chan nodded and ordered all the men to get into position, everyone working in sync to turn the ship.

It took a good hour of sailing for them to find land. “LAND AHOY!” I.N yelled from the nest, pointing to where a small island was. Felix was confused, there weren’t any islands on the map where they were. But his confusion turned into relief once they docked the ship. He had been worried for a while, thinking that they broke off the initial course only to not be able to find any land.

The island looked like it had been untouched, which made Felix suspicious, but he moved it to the back of his head for now. “Listen up men! We’ll stay here for the night till the storm passes. Rest up cause we’ll be leaving first thing in the morning.” Felix called over Chan, Hyunjin, and Changbin, the 3 men walking up to him.

“You three will come with me, we’re going to see if there’s anyone else around here.” He explained and began to walk into the forest of trees. “MINHO AND JISUNG! You guys are in charge till we’re back.” Felix called, continuing when he heard a faint yes sir.

The four boys walked deeper into the dense forest, looking for any sign of human life. Suddenly, the four boys stopped when Felix heard a voice. “Did you guys hear that?” he asked, looking around. The other three looked at each other and shook their heads.

Felix could’ve sworn that he heard a voice, but he figured it was nothing and carried on. Felix was walking in front of the others looking around but in the end, nothing was found. However, they managed to find some fruit and snagged some on the way back. Felix still couldn't stop thinking about that voice he heard. It almost sounded like someone was singing, and Felix couldn't deny that although it was really faint it sounded beautiful, almost like it was calling out to him.

Felix was snapped back into reality when he saw Minho and Jisung holding back one of the crewmates from possibly beating the other that was on the ground into a pulp. Felix sighed, groaning internally.

‘You two had only one job...’

Night had fallen over the island and Felix was glad that they decided to take a detour, there was no way they’d be able to survive this storm if they were still at sea. Felix was lying down on his bed wondering where that voice could’ve come from. He didn’t understand why he was so curious, but there was something about what he heard that kept him wanting to check it out. Having had enough, Felix got up and put his coat on, quietly walking out of his cabin into the pouring rain and ran down the ship into the thick forest.

When Felix was in deep enough, the rain had practically stopped, only coming down in little droplets. Felix took the same route he did just hours ago, but this time instead of a smooth path, Felix found himself walking normally one second and then the ground disappearing beneath him the next.

He went sliding and tumbling down a rocky ground, managing to grab onto a tree root that thankfully stopped him from falling off the ledge he was now dangling off of. Felix quickly pushed himself up and sat down, groaning in pain. Then he suddenly heard the most beautiful voice singing.

I've been watchin' you for some time

Can't stop starin' at those ocean eyes~

Ignoring the throbbing in his body, Felix stood up and began to make his way down the ledge, blindly following the voice until he was in a large open cave, lit by beautiful shining crystals.

Burning cities and napalm skies

Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes~

Felix’s head snapped in front of him, eyes widening when he saw what looked to be a woman sitting on a rock that was surrounded by a pool of water. She looked almost ethereal sitting there, combing her luscious dark brown locks that cascading down her back.

Your ocean eyes~

The woman turned towards Felix, motioning for him to come closer with her long delicate fingers. She had large innocent-looking eyes, a cute little nose, and plump pink lips. By this point, Felix thought he fell in love at first sight. He slowly walked towards her, stopping when his eyes went lower to where her legs should’ve been. Instead, he was met with a green scaly tail. But rather than being scared, he was more curious. The woman looked confused when she saw that Felix stopped. Seconds later, the woman was jumping into the pool, and before Felix could even blink she was floating by his feet.

“Hello there,” Felix greeted the half woman half creature, crouching down to her level. He noticed that the water looked very shallow, but by the way the mermaid looking creature dived into the water, he was positive that wasn’t the case. “What’s your name?” he asked, hoping to get an answer.

The woman stared at him dumbfounded, slightly startled by his deep voice before answering. “Y/n,”

Felix smiled, glad that he got an answer. “Are you a mermaid?” Y/n snorted when she heard that, shaking her head. “Those stuck-up wannabes don't live around here,” she said, resting her cheek on her hand as she examined the boy before her. “Then what’re you?”

Y/n ignored his question, instead asking him a question. “Shall I sing you a song?” she asked. Felix wanted to ask why she wouldn’t answer him but then he found himself nodding instead. Y/n began singing once again.

I've been walkin' through a world gone blind

Can't stop thinkin' of your diamond mind

Y/n reached for Felix’s hand, which he allowed her to take, too entranced by her voice to care.

Careful creature made friends with time

Y/n tugged at his hand, lowering his head till their faces were inches apart.

He left her lonely with a diamond mind

She snaked a hand around Felix's neck, pressing her lips against his, kissing the boy softly. Felix instantly reacted, kissing her back. When Y/n was sure he was distracted, she lifted her other hand, fingers turning into sharp claws. Felix deepened the kiss, holding Y/n’s jaw in his hand and sliding his tongue into her mouth. Y/n was glad, this boy was going to be a piece of cake.

She brought her hand down, ready to kill the boy in front of her but what caught her off guard was when Felix grabbed her wrist with his free hand. Y/n froze, but Felix continued to kiss her as if it was nothing. When he pulled away, Y/n stared at him with wide eyes. Felix stared back into her what he now noticed were dull eyes, but he managed to catch a hint of guilt in them.

“Not today sweetheart,” Felix whispered, deep voice slightly raspy. Y/n couldn’t understand why he was able to react so quickly. She’d killed many men within minutes of meeting them, but for some reason, she just couldn't seem to kill Felix.

Chills ran down Y/ns back when she heard the pet name roll off his tongue. She switched to her last resort, gripping onto his neck and pulling him into the deep water.

Felix struggled to remove her grip from his shoulders, trying his best to remain calm. Y/n stuck her sharp claws into his shoulders, causing the deep blue water to turn a deep red. When she was sure that Felix was dead, a few tears left her eyes.

And those ocean eyes…

Y/n removed her claws from the now dead body, watching as he came afloat, still and unmoving. A sob left her mouth, more tears falling. It happened every time she killed someone, Y/n would start sobbing like crazy, shaking and afraid. She pulled the body out of the water, laying him onto the ground, and ran her fingers through his blonde hair. He was handsome from what Y/n could tell from behind her tears. The freckles splattered all over his face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, laying her head on his chest.

“I don't have anything against you… but if I didn't do this then they’d come and kill you instead. It would’ve been pure torture to be killed by them. This was the only way to save you.” Y/n said, propping her head up using her elbow, she traced the boy's lips. “It’s a shame I never got your name. I bet it would’ve been pretty like you,” she whispered, leaning down to press one final kiss to the boys' lips before she discarded the body. What she didn’t expect though, was for the boy to kiss her back.

She pulled away and shrieked, moving as far away as she could from the body. “Y'know, it’s not nice to kiss someone the way you did and then try to kill them.” Felix rasped, turning to the side so he could cough up some water. Y/n's eyes filled with tears and she covered her mouth. “H-how’re you still alive? You just d-died,” she stuttered.

“You must’ve killed most people the first time only, cause the third time really wasn’t the charm.” Felix chuckled. Y/n stayed silent, shocked because how could he be laughing and acting like she didn't just almost kill him. “Nonononono you’re supposed to be dead. They’ll sniff you out and it’ll be the end of the both of us why didn't you just die-” y/n mumbled and began to shake.

Felix noticed her shock, sitting up and scooting closer to her. Y/n’s mumbles seized when he pulled her into a hug, whispering sweet nothings and reassurances about how he’ll protect them both.

Felix pulled away and placed a finger under her chin, forcing her to look up at him. “Hear me out..” he said quietly. Other than the dull burn all over his body, Felix's chest had tightened the moment he heard the cries of the creature in front of him and it warmed when he heard her laugh. Not to mention the flutter and increase of his heart rate when they kissed.

“I love you,” Y/n stared at the boy in front of her like he was crazy. “I know for a fact what love is, and what it’s like to be in love. I can tell you 100% what I feel for you right now is love,” Felix tried to convince her.

Y/n scoffed, pushing the boy off her, but he wasn't through yet. “You’re out of your mind.”

“I am, but that's not the point here.” Felix countered, holding tightly onto her hand. “Please just give me a chance-” he tried to say but he was cut off.

“STOP! Do you hear yourself?? I don’t even know your name-” Y/n said but then was also cut off. “It’s Felix,” he answered.

“Well FELIX, you’re clearly out of your mind. Look at me, I’m a goddamn monster. I’m not capable of feeling love or being loved.”

“Yes, you are! I know you love me too! I heard you crying and everything you said before you kissed me again. I know you didn't want to and you did it with good intentions. Please Y/n, we both love each other we-”

“FELIX! You know nothing. I don't love you and you don't love me either. I didn't say anything after drowning you and I kiss all my victims after they die. It’s my goodbye to them and then I throw their bodies away. You were no different.” Y/n was about done with Felix, why couldn’t he get the message?

“I know I was, cause if you didn’t have any feelings towards me then you would’ve killed me by now. I’d be long gone yet here I am. I don't care about whoever you said is trying to kill me, I can protect myself and I’ll protect you too. I promi-” Y/n gasped, covering her mouth as she sat frozen in place.

“You heard that? Nononono this just makes everything worse they-” Y/n tried to say but then her eyes began to glow a bright blue and her brown hair was now as deep blue as the water sitting beside them.

Felix stared and her frozen position, about to shake her out of worry but then she was back to normal right after.

“They’re coming.” was all she said. Felix saw the change of y/ns mood. She looked like she had given up. Her eyes were duller than before if that was even possible. Her shoulders were slumped. She looked Felix in the eyes and he froze, she looked like she was dead inside.

“Who’s coming back-” Felix would’ve finished his sentence if it wasn’t for the big rock y/n threw straight at his head, knocking him out. Felix’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell to his side, staring at Y/n as black spots began to take over his line of sight. “Please... Y/...n.” and with that Felix was out like a light.

“He’s waking up!” “Get more water and ice!”

Felix heard faint voices yell. He opened his eyes slowly only to be met by the concerned face of none other than Chan.

‘Wait… Chan??’

Felix suddenly shot up, looking around. He was in his cabin, Chan, and Minho sitting by the side of his bed. “Nononono where’s Y/n?!” He asked frantically, trying to get out of bed but Chan stopped him.

“Woah there bud, take it easy. Who’s Y/n?” Chan asked calmly.

“What happened? How did I get here?” Felix screamed, tears forming in his eyes.

“When we woke up you weren’t in your room so we assumed you went out, but then we saw you lying face down in the water and you were all bruised and beaten looking. So here you are now.” Minho explained. “Now don't you think we deserve to know what the hell happened to you? You’re the most skilled person out of all the men we have, so how the hell did you end up like this?”

Felix opened his mouth to explain but then he felt a sudden rocking underneath him. “Did we start sailing again?” he asked, feeling a sudden panic arise in him. Chan nodded and pointed outside. “We set sail just a few minutes ago.”

Felix used all his might to push Chan and Minho out of the way and ran out of his cabin, rushing up to the quarterdeck and crying out when he saw the island was growing smaller by the minute.

He stared dejectedly at the island which was now just a dot in the distance. Felix saw something move in the distance and when he squinted he saw the luscious Brown locks he could never forget. “Y/n? Y/N!!!!” He yelled. She smiled sadly at him and waved, then 6 other creatures emerged and no matter how much she tried to fight them off, they had pulled her under.

“Y/N NOOOOO!” Felix cried, falling to his knees. It didn't matter to him that he fell in love with someone at first sight; what did matter though, was that the person who managed to take his heart in one night also managed to crush it not even a few hours later.

3 years later.

Felix and his crew had set sail once again for another voyage. This time setting course for the United States. Night had fallen once again but Felix wasn’t sleeping. He sat where he did every day for the past 3 years during the night at the very back of the ship where he last saw Y/n, hoping that he’d see her again someday. Even to this day, he waited and waited.

“You waiting for her again?” A voice asked from behind him. Felix nodded at the Aussie who threw an arm around his best friend.

“Y'know, I don't know if I ever told you this but, Sometimes I sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different. What if she was human? Or whoever tried to kill her didn't exist. What if I was like her? We could’ve been together if that was the case,” Feliz sighed, running a hand through his hair. Even to this day, he still remembered how heavenly her hand felt running through his hair, how soft her lips felt against his, how cold yet comforting her skin was.

“Maybe in another life, you two will end up together.” Chan comforted his friend.

“Maybe...” Felix agreed.

600 years later

“Felix hurry up! We’re gonna be late again!!” Chan yelled from the kitchen. Felix practically flew downstairs on one foot as he attempted to put a shoe on the other. “Let's go! We have 10 more minutes!”

Both boys rushed to Chan's car and drove to their university in record time. They ran as fast as they could and were halfway to class when Felix realized he left his book in Chan's car.

“Chan, I left my textbook in your car!” Felix groaned. Chan smacked him upside the head and threw him his keys, running to class while thinking of good ways to distract their professor.

Felix ran back to Chan's car and grabbed his textbook. When he was running back towards the building, he being the idiot he is, ran into someone and fell back onto his butt. The person in front of him held their hand out which he gladly took. He stood up and finally looked at the person he bumped into. She was really pretty, with large innocent looking eyes, a cute little nose, and plump pink lips. But there was something about her eyes that was really dull like they had lost the light in them. “You okay?” she asked.

Something about her voice sounded so alluring to Felix but he couldn’t pin why. “Oh-UH yes! Yea I’m okay, sorry for bumping into you,” Felix apologized. “It’s fine,” the brunette said before turning and walking towards the building. Felix followed her and decided to introduce himself.

“My name’s Felix, What's yours?”

“Y/n,”

Fin.

#skz au #skz scenarios #skz fluff #au #bang chan #chanlix #lee felix fluff #felix x reader #Siren au #felix imagines #felix angst #skz fanfic #skz smut #stray kids smut #stray kids fluff #stray kids imagines #straykids #stray kids angst

119 notes · View notes

boxofbadaddiction · 4 years

Text

In a Word

Fred Weasley x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Swearing. Small depictions of PTSD. Post War.

Summary: The War changed Fred. His brush with death had an unexpected affect on the joyful young wizard and, unfortunately, created severe turmoil in his relationship with Y/n.

Prompts: 12, 15 & 20

"You're over me? When were you...under me?" // "I'm sorry. Maybe I can make it up to you by...taking you roughly in the barn." // "This can't be it./Then how come it is?"

This story is inspired from a request of my F.R.I.E.N.D.S Themed Prompt List.

Not much was said about Fred Weasley, in fact most of the time he could be described simply in a word. He was loud. Boisterous. Confident. Some even called him Unstoppable. Those weren't the words [Y/N]'d use to describe him though.

Although, these days there were only two that came to mind when she thought of him. He was her ex. And he was afraid. Not that he would ever admit the fact.

Stubborn. That's another word for Fred Weasley.

The war had changed people. She'd seen it in the faces of friends, and family. In the eyes of strangers, and in her own reflection. Fewer people laughed while more cried. Many left hollow shells of their past self.

The same couldn't be said for Fred. He was different. The complete opposite. While others withdrew into themselves, he had never shone so bright.

If you thought he were loud before you'd be surely mistaken. These days he laughed harder, pranked more and never stopped moving. It was like he saw it as his job to single handedly bring joy back to the world. To shine light where darkness had taken root. Which isn't a bad thing, but now he had trouble on knowing when the joke needed to end.

His girlfriend suffered most as a result. She'd grown tired of feeling like the mother of a hyperactive toddler on a sugar rush. She'd attempted to talk with him on countless occasions. To have him confide his fears in her, but he never did. He did his best to never let on that he was hurting, but his best just wasn't good enough. She still saw it. Because if you looked closely enough you'd notice the way he jumped more at loud noises like he hadn't before. Notice the look in his eyes when he was with family or friends, how he seemed to try and memorise every detail of them, incase he wasn't here tomorrow to see it. It broke [Y/N]s heart to see him suffer in silence. But it didn't hurt her nearly as bad as when she had to leave him.

The problem between them was that Fred just never spoke about the war. Whether to offer himself a reprieve, or to be that support for another. Any worries someone had would be brushed off with a joke. Even on the day [Y/N] left he had a witty retort lined up at every word she said.

"Damn it Fred! This is serious!" She pushed herself up from the dining room table.

"Must be to have your nostils flaring like that" he laughed. [Y/N] groaned loudly in frustration. Why was he incapable of being serious? Pacing the room in anger Fred watched as his girlfriend tried desperately to calm her emotions. He swallowed thickly quickly becoming uncomfortable in the tense atmosphere.

[Y/N] tugged at the roots of her hair, ran her hands down her face, pulled them over the back of her neck. She tried anything to rid her body of these stressful feelings as her mind raced a million miles an hour.

"Why can't you just talk to me!?" She shouted, arms being thrown out pleadingly towards her boyfriend. Face begging to understand him.

"I do."

"No you don't. Not about things that matter. Not about what's on your mind or how you're feeling. Hell! Fred, it's been so long since we've had a meaningful conversation I don't even know if you love me anymore." Her eyes were stinging red as they began to glisten with tears over her words. Fighting with every bit of strength in her body to keep them from falling.

"Of course I do.' Fred's face was the most serious it had been since the War. This was the first time in months she had seen it without a smile. That sickly fake smile.

Brows furrowed as he raised from his chair he walked to his partner. Snaking his arms around her waist as she turned her face away from him.

"Hey", his hand cupped her chin making her look at him, "I do love you. I'm sorry." He pulled her into a tight hug, resting his chin on the top of her head as her hands met at his shoulder blades. His chest vibrated against her cheek as he spoke, "maybe I can make it up to you" he leant back to peer into her eyes. Looking away as if deep in thought, "by...i dunno, taking you roughly in the barn?" he began laughing. [Y/N] pushed out of his hold tears falling in anger. "Oh, come on [Y/N]"

"NO! Fred. Just...no." she snapped, her back to him. One hand came to her temple, massaging to try and dull the pain throbbing in her mind. "I can't do this anymore." Her voice were no more than a whisper, but still it carried to Fred's ears. The room fell deadly silent as he processed the words. No, he heard wrong. He had to. "What?" His breathing began to pick up in panic. "I can't do this anymore!" Hot, fat tears spilled from her eyes as she turned shouting. "I can't keep pretending everything's okay, that I'm okay. That you're going to let me in and admit you're hurting because I know. I know you're hurting too." Fred was paralysed. This wasn't happening...

[Y/N]s voice softened "I can't just carry on in denial like you're choosing to, Fred. I-" her throat seemed to close over itself. No words or air able to break through. Biting her lip as her eyes ran the room, searching for an answer that just wasn't there. She dropped her head as more tears started to fall.

Seeing the woman he loved so distraught in front of him, because of him, killed Fred. It was like being trapped under that wall all over again, and he was suffocating. He hated that feeling. The one that plagued his very existence in every waking moment. He made so many jokes these days to distract himself from feeling just that. He stayed silent to protect the people he loved, but he'd just caused more damage.

He moved towards her again, carefully as if he'd scare her if he were to move too quickly. "Hey..." his voice cracked under the pressure of it all but still he forced a smile through the pain, "I know things have been difficult lately. With work and the-the aftermath of it all but...we'll get through this. Together. We can-" "No Fred." She looked up into his pale face, seeing his eyes widen. " 'We' can't. Not this time."

"No, no-no-no-no, please!" He willed himself forwards. Clutching her hands in his own and pulling them to his chest. "Please, [Y/N], love. I'm sorry this...this can't be it." His eyes were frantically searching her face, begging her.

"Then how come it is?"

That was nearly two years ago now. They'd seen hide nor hair of one another since. [Y/N] had been on a few dates here and there but none felt right. No one could make her feel like Fred did. It broke her heart to leave him, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Being away gave her the time she needed to heal and cope with the reality which Fred had been determined to ignore.

As [Y/N] was finishing her day at work she decided to reward herself for surviving a particularly stressful week by heading for a few drinks at the new bar that had opened up in Diagon Alley a couple months back. She'd been dying to go, all her friends say it's fantastic unfortunately she'd never had occasion to accompany them.

So, with a quick stop home to shower and change she apparated to the entrance of the Bar.

It was everything she had heard about and more. As she sat on a stool by the counter she couldn't help but marvel at the interior. The ceiling glimmered with tiny lights that reminded her of the stars (which in turn reminded her of the ceiling in the Great Hall of Hogwarts), and the floors were gorgeous hardwood with Bar to match. It was hard to believe such a classy place existed in Diagon Alley. Swivelling back around in her seat to face the bartender she ordered herself another drink.

Her hands played with the cool exterior of her glass while she starred absent-mindedly at nothing in particular. Lost in her own thoughts as she enjoyed the night to herself.

"[Y/N]?" a familiar voice called from behind her. Her eyes shot up to the mirror on the wall, behind the whiskey shelf and there she saw him. A dishevelled mop of red hair emerging from the crowd of people bustling about the dance floor. "Fred?" She spoke more to herself before turning to face him.

Standing as he approached, their mouths were both agape ever so slightly. They stared for a moment before a single laugh fell from Fred's lips, one of shock and amazement, followed closely by that signature Freddie grin.

"It's so good to see you." Before he could register his movements his arms were already tight around her body. "You too".

He let her go slowly, standing back bashfully to admire her. "What are you-" he stopped himself. He was going to ask what she was doing here but out of fear she may be on a date he decided against it. "What have you been up to?"

"Not much. You know just work mostly. Actually I was just promoted a little over a month ago so it's all been really good." Her smile was genuine as she answered him and it made his heart soar to see her so happy again. Even if it weren't with him. Fred so deeply missed that smile, he missed all of her more than he could ever put into words. "That's fantastic! I'm happy for you." He knew he was staring but he didn't care. She was still so beautiful. Seeing her, being near her after all this time, was like a cool breath of fresh air he didn't realise he needed so bad.

"How about you? How's the store, and George?" "Great. All great. We're opening a store in Hogsmead shortly. Prime real-estate in our opinion, so close to the school. Couldn't pass up the chance to drive McGonagall up the wall either." [Y/N] found herself laughing hard at his comment. He was just like she remembered, before the war. Not trying to be funny it just came naturally. He looked happy. "That's amazing. I'm glad everything's going so well for you. God! It's been so long." "Too long."

There they went staring again. Both in awe of one another.

[Y/N] was the one to realise, or perhaps Fred just didn't care, but sensing the lull in conversation she cleared her throat - glancing over the room briefly.

"George is here." Fred spoke abruptly. Desperate to keep talking with her he threw out the first thing that came to mind. "A few of us came out for drinks tonight. Would you like to join us? I mean, if you aren't expecting someone." The words left a fowl taste on his tongue and an ache in his chest, praying she weren't with anyone. "No, I'm here alone", prayers answered. "But I couldn't possibly impose." "Impose? Please! We'd be offended if you didn't." He joked "come oooon...one drink?" putting on his best puppy dog eyes, that silent beg she never could resist. She pursued her lips, pondering his request for a moment. Would it be awkward? God she hoped not. "Okay." She raised a finger in front of her face with a stern expression, "one drink." "Atta girl!" He grinned widely, taking her wrist in his hand and whisking her through the close knit crowd to a booth to the back of the room.

Safe to say she was there a lot longer than one drink. As one turned to two, two turned to three and soon the minutes had stretched well into hours. Everything felt so safe and familiar back in the company of her old friends. Soon enough though, as was inevitable, it was just the two sat within the booth as everyone else vacated for the bar, dance floor or home.

In the comfort of each others company the two couldn't help but reminisce, on their Hogwarts days mostly. The two were in hysterics as [Y/N] recalled the time she failed to prank Snape which lead to Fred swooping to her rescue, taking the fall. "I had detention for a month after that." He laughed at the memory, "I said I was sorry!" [Y/N] was wiping tears from her eyes. "Hands were blistered to Hell by the time I'd polished all those damn trophies." As her stomach cramped [Y/N] burried her head in her hands, trying to compose herself but failing. Fred watched her, shoulders quaking in silent laughter at how adorable she looked in this moment. Finally having control of herself once again [Y/N] adjusted her posture while stretching her jaw that'd cramped from smiling so much.

Fred lifted his glass to his lips readying himself to drink, "I still remember the day you confessed your undying love for me", he threw his head back finishing the beverage. "Practically screammed it for the whole school to hear." He smirked. "Oh it was not like that!" "It most certainly was!"

"Just tell me what's wrong!" Fred bellowed, storming after the angry girl ahead of him. Arms wide pleadingly.

"It doesn't matter! None of it matters now!" [Y/N] called over her shoulder as she rounded the corner into a quiet corridor.

"Clearly..." Fred ran to stand in front of her, hands grasping her shoulders to keep her in place, "it does." She rolled her eyes, turning her head away from him. "It doesn't matter because I am over you Fred!" She pulled out of his grip standing confidently before him. "I'm over you."

Freds face lost all emotion. They stood in silence as realisation dawned on [Y/N] slowly, rising through her spine like a chill. A hand coming to cover her mouth as the other wrapped around her stomach like she was going to be sick. "You're over me?" [Y/N] backed away from him and found herself pressed against a cold stone wall eye's wide in horror. "When-when were you...under me?" His brows furrowed, turning confused to find her on the ground now, hands tugging at the roots of her hair with knees to her chest.

An endearing sort of chuckled rolled from his throat past his lips, sounding dangerously close to a scoff. Shock subsiding slightly he shook his head while approaching his best friend. Crouching before her.

"Look at me."

[Y/N] shook her head quickly. Hiding her eyes in the palms of her hands. "No." she mumbled.

"Please, look at me"

"No!"

"[Y/N]!"

"NO!"

"Oh for the love of - [Y/N]!" her arms were suddenly being pulled from her face as she was made to stand infront of him.

Embarrassed by her confession [Y/N] became defensive, "WHAT!? Okay, yes, I like you! I have for a while. I tried not to, tried to stop myself but I couldn't! I'm sorry! So go ahead. Make your jokes. Have a good laugh, I don't care anymore!" She was waving her arms frantically as she yelled. Staring directly into his eyes, which were glaring incredulously back. "You're insufferable, you know that!?" He snapped. [Y/N] scoffed, mouth falling wide at the insult. "Oh yeah? Well, you're a-"

Her next words were cut out by Freds lips on hers, hands cupping her face before one looped the small of her back to bring their bodies tight against each other. Her hands held onto his biceps. She felt herself melt into the kiss she'd been dreaming about for months, although it was under vastly different circumstances. Moaning softly at the warmth spreading through her body. Much to her dismay Fred let go of her, pulling back to catch his breath. A grin forming on his face as he looked down at her. "I'm a what?" His tone playful. [Y/N] stood breathless for a moment glancing at his lips, " You're a...really good kisser." She whined pulling him back in for another.

Fred was doubled over in their booth from unrestrained laughter. "Okay, so maybe a few people heard. There was an awful lot of yelling." [Y/N] giggled, watching him fondly.

"LAST DRINKS!" called the bartender. Their attention shot towards them, expressions falling solemn. When had it gotten so late?

"I-I should probably get going." She kept her eyes on the bar as she mumbled the words knowing if her eyes met his she'd crumble. Freds eyes were fixed to her profile. This couldn't be it. He wasn't ready to say goodbye. "I'll walk you." He jumped from his seat, "still at the same place?" He smiled and reached his hand out for her to take. Finally her gaze met his, smiling immediately, she took his hand nodding.

The walk home was interesting, to say the least. Both were considerably drunker than they realised, stumbling about the Alley way they were relying solely on one another for the stability to remain upright. Fred was cracking jokes as [Y/N] all but hung from his arm where their elbows interlocked.

Howling laughter echoed noisely through the deserted street. Several times Fred found himself taking hold of her waist to keep her from falling. The last he decided it were safer just to keep them there. Hugging her tightly from behind they walked step-in-step, as he swayed her dramatically enjoying the giggles that erupted from her at the action. For anyone observing the scene they'd never wager the two weren't a couple.

[Y/N] was squirming under his hold as his fingers began tickling her sides. Eliciting various shrieks, squeals and 'no's from her mouth. She bent far forward trying to distance herself from his touch, Fred took advantage of the action sweeping her off her feet into a bridal style hold. "Right let's see now, where were you." He scanned the lining apartments counting to himself over the loud sound of [Y/N]s laughter. "Ah, here we are!" He exclaimed, jogging up the short flight of stairs to the door, effortlessly. "Your stop, M'lady" he bowed placing her feet firmly on the ground. "Why thank you kind Sir." She was visibly flustered from the amount of contact and laughter they had shared tonight. It just all felt so right with him.

As she rummaged her coat pocket for her keys and looked back to him the scene changed. Their faces falling sullen and the night deathly quiet. This was it wasn't it...goodbye?

"Thank you for walking me home and-and for tonight. I had fun." She swallowed the lump in her throat that formed over her awkwardness.

"Anytime" Fred shook his head, though he tried to smile it didn't last long. He felt like he could breathe again and to say goodbye meant suffocating. How could he tell her, tell her that a life without her in it wasn't worth living? How could he prove he's changed? Did she even feel the same way anymore? He searched her eyes, praying to find the answer hidden within them.

"Anyway, I should-" she gestured to the door with her keys.

"No, yeah. Of course." He smiled, but that hand that shot to rub the back of his neck gave him away. He was nervous. Even after two years she could still spot his tells a mile away. He wanted to say something and from the thundering in her chest [Y/N] could guess what it was. Because she felt it too. She was opening her mouth to speak -

"I'll see you." He was walking away. Why was he walking away?

[Y/N]s mouth fell open, watching him stride into the distance. Her mind willing her to do something. Say something. Fuck, say ANYTHING!

"FRED!" she stood at the edge of her stairs. The call of his name turning his attention back to her. Heart racing.

Her mind was fumbling over the words to say. The love of her life was there. He was right there waiting for her...

"I'm...I'm still under you." She kicked herself for how awkward that must have sounded.

Fred's head dropped in sigh. Running before his feet knew they were carrying him he leapt onto the landing beside her. Pulling her by the nape of her neck their lips crashed together. [Y/N] was smiling against his lips as tears trickled down her rosie cheeks. Fred broke his lips from hers, pushing their foreheads together as they caught their breath.

"You're insufferable, you know that?".

"I know."

There were a lot of words [Y/N] could use to describe Fred Weasley. He was passionate. Funny. Smart. Impulsive. But most importantly; he was Hers.

Completely.

#fred weasley x reader #fred weasley/reader #fred weasley angst #fred weasley fluff #fred weasley fanfic #fred weasley fanfiction #hp #hp imagine #fred weasley imagine #harry potter #harry potter imagine #writing is hard.#harry x reader #writing prompts #prompt fics

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n7inky-fanfics · 3 years

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Shore Leave

CW: mention of suicide, injuries from gunfight

"Shore leave, always an adventure." Kaidan says as they exit the Normandy. This shore leave has definitely been an adventure. After all, it began with Hazel Shepard being shot at in one of the best sushi restaurants on the Citadel and ended with taking back the Normandy from her clone, who promptly committed suicide by allowing herself to fall from the ship. The friends exit the docks and begin their shore leave again, hoping that they can truly enjoy the rest of it. After Joker suggests a party, Shepard sits down on the couch with a beer in hand. She'll definitely need a stiffer drink to process this all later, but for now she wants time to think and rest relatively unimpeded. Kaidan was right, shore leave is always an adventure. She snuggles into the couch and recalls the first shore leave she took with Kaidan.

--- --- --- --- --- --- ---

They had just left Feros when they got the order from the Alliance. After the stress and strain of that mission and all it involved, the Alliance thought it best for them to take a weekend of shore leave on the Citadel. As the ship flew back to the Citadel, the crew was abuzz with excitement and plans for their weekend. As someone who spent the past decade in the Alliance and planned to spend many future decades serving, Shepard had learned to take shore leave whenever she could get it. Despite this, she felt a little unsure about taking even a weekend off from trying to find Saren. Despite what the Council and Udina thought, she knew the truth. The galaxy depended on her to save it. That's a heavy burden to bear, and at the time it was one she was inexperienced with.

The Alliance could make her dock her ship and send her crew on shore leave, but she could spend her weekend improving her singularity in biotic training centers and researching Saren and the Reapers using her Spectre access to open otherwise classified files. She planned to take anything she'd need with her, just in case they tried locking her off the ship to make her take a break. She had just finished packing her bag and was heading to the mess for dinner when she was approached by Lieutenant Alenko and Gunnery Chief Williams.

"Hey, skipper. What are you planning on doing once we hit the Citadel?" Ash asked, a large grin spreading across her face. Kaidan looked nervous and glanced at Ash like she was torturing him.

"Ah, just planning on getting some work done over the weekend." Shepard shrugged.

"You going to dinner, Shepard?" Kaidan asked.

Ash looked to him, surprised, then smiled and added "If you are, you should join us!"

"Sure, sounds good." Shepard said. Some time with her crew sounded nice. They'd already seen a lot together. Their journey to stop Saren led them to rescue Liara from Therum and later to save colonists on Feros from both the Geth and an ancient, sentient plant. Shepard knew, even then, that their journey would lead them to more impossible and mind-blowing things. The bonds you build over experiences like that can last a lifetime, if you let them evolve.

They trio walked to the mess together and got their plates. As they sat down, Ash shoved Kaidan lightly with her elbow and looked towards Shepard. Kaidan cleared his throat and said "So, Shepard... You're not going to take any time for yourself?"

"I'm glad the crew will get a chance to rest. It's definitely necessary to keep everyone at their best. But, I don't think the whole ship can be off at once. Not while we're trying to stop Saren."

"C'mon, Skipper. You need a rest, too!" Ash smiled.

"You could come to Flux with us the night we arrive. After, you'd have the rest of the weekend to get work done." Kaidan said.

"Or to relax some more. " Ash added with a laugh.

Hazel laughed, too, as she said "Alright, alright. You've got me. I'll go with you."

And so, after an "enjoyable" Alliance-standard dinner and an uneventful docking, they went to Flux for a late drink. As most Alliance soldiers do, they went in their fatigues because it's all they keep on the ship. Doran gave them a table near the dance floor and Jenna told them their first round was on her as thanks for getting her out of Chora's Den.

One drink and pleasant chatter turned into two and then three drinks. Shepard hadn't been able to relax like this since before the Normandy left on her shakedown run, and she hadn't laughed like this since Akuze. It was a wonderful night. Eventually, Ash dragged the three of them out onto the dance floor, only to sneak away so that Kaidan and Shepard were dancing alone. When Hazel realized, she blushed bright red and excused herself to the restroom.

She was falling for him, and she knew she couldn't let that happen. Kaidan was great, and be had so much potential. She knew that anything between him could stand in the way of his career as well as hers. She stood at the sink and splashed some water on her face in the otherwise empty bathroom, or at least she had thought it was empty.

Suddenly, broad Turian arms were around her. One was pinning her arms to her side, while the other was against her throat, joking her. She flared her biotics as she threw her weight backwards, driving the Turian into the wall with a thud. That's when she saw the gun trained on her from the vent in the ceiling. She raced out the bathroom and a bullet ran through her right arm at the shoulder. Instinct drove her, and she firmly pressed her hand to the wound as she fled.

She must have been quite the sight when she emerged from the bathroom. Despite the noise and flashing lights, her companions almost immediately spotted her. They stood quickly and ran to her side as she found Doran.

"We need to evacuate, now." She said.

"We can't just evacuate, what about-" Doran began.

"I just got attacked in you bathroom and was shot. Your customers are in danger. Call C-Sec and evacuate." She used her patent "Commander Shepard" voice. Even through the suite, she could tell that she scared the Volus a little. "Williams, help Doran get everyone out of here through the shipping entrance. Alenko-"

She stopped as she saw the Turian who had attacked her from behind making his way towards them. Whoever had hired him didn't want collateral damage. If it hadn't been a concern, he'd have been shooting at her by then. This worked well because it was one less thing to worry about. "No time! Alenko, Williams, follow me!" She ran through the club to the main entrance. They followed suite. The merc was joined by two others, and soon they were on the hunt. Despite her best efforts to contain the bleeding, Shepard was leaving a bloody trail right to them. There was no way they'd be able to lose them like this, and Shepard didn't think she'd want to lose them, anyways. She headed to the alleyways behind the market. "Alenko, Williams, go get C-Sec. We're going to need guns."

"What about you, Commander?" Kaidan asked.

"I'll hold them off. They're going to be on us no matter what. I'd rather be somewhere a stray bullet won't hit a civilian. Go, get C-Sec. That's an order."

They ran towards C-Sec as Shepard began prying open crates of merchandise for the market. She found nothing of use, so she positioned herself near some crates just as her pursuers arrived in the alley.

"What do you want?" She asked, her voice steely and calm.

"Saren sends his regards." The Turian merc sneered as his companions chuckled. Shepard used her biotics to throw the man against the wall. The idiot hadn't worn a helmet, probably because he was being cocky. He hit his head against an emergency light sticking out from the wall and his body slumped to the ground. The moment of shock gave her an advantage, and she dove behind a crate as the other two opened fire. The idiots didn't even time their shots well, so she had a small break in the fire as their heatsinks overloaded. She took the opportunity and shot out a large singularity field. They both dropped their weapons as they were pulled into the field, crying out in pain. Now, she would usually give herself a moment to recharge before using her biotics again, but she didn't have that kind of time here. As soon as the field dropped them, she threw them against the wall, hard. The impact finished them off. The three mercs lay dead or unconscious in the alley.

With the immediate threat past, the adrenaline quickly began to wear off. Shepard became aware of the pain in arm and how exhausted she was. She'd pushed her biotics too hard too quickly, and the effects of forcing that much dark energy to move at once were taking a toll on her. She leaned her back against the wall and slid into a sitting position. Her arm was still bleeding, and she used what little energy she had left to keep pressure on the wound.

Kaidan and Ash came running in then along with several C-Sec officers. The guards moved to check out the mercs while Kaidan and Ash ran for Shepard. "Shepard, are you alright?" Kaidan asked as he dropped to her side.

"Nothing some medi-gel can't fix." She chuckled weakly. She must have been really pale, because Kaidan and Ash both exchanged worried glances.

"I've got some, Commander. Let me patch you up." Kaidan said. Shepard just nodded and let him work. He cut away the sleeve of her fatigues, which at this point clung to her with sweat and sticky blood. She'd definitely need a new shirt. She winced as he cleaned the wound and applied medi-gel. The sealant worked quickly, but it wasn't the military grade she was used to. It didn't pack the same punch.

The C-Sec officers confirmed that all three of the mercs died upon impact with the wall. They began the lengthy process of collecting evidence. Shepard felt a little bad that their encounter had spanned the distance between the Flux bathroom and the alleyways. The size of the crime scene alone made it lot of work. As Kaidan finished patching her wounds, he said "Wait here a moment. Dr. Michel will be here soon with a chair and an IV to get some nutrients in you."

"Nah, I'll be fine." Shepard said. She moved to pull herself to her feet with the help of a crate, but Kaidan gently held her down.

"All due respect, Commander, but you're in no condition to be walking anywhere. Between the blood loss and the overused biotics, you need to rest." Kaidan looked her in the eyes. God, she could get lost in the warmth of his deep brown eyes. She chastised herself for thinking about that at the time.

Kaidan and Ash walked with them as Dr. Michel transported Shepard back to the clinic. Dr. Chakwas met them there.

"Dr. Chakwas, it's good to see you." Shepard said, flashing a shit eating grin.

"Lieutenant Alenko informed me that you overused your biotics in your latest encounter. I came to make sure you get a good lecture about safety while we get some nutrients in your system."

"Doctor, I couldn't have planned to be attacked while on shore leave, without any weapons or armor."

"Maybe, but you still worried me. Don't do that again." Dr. Chakwas smiled gently at Shepard.

"I love shore leave." Ash smiled and patted Kaidan on the back.

"Always an adventure." Kaidan added.

#fanfic #mass effect #commander shepard #female shepard #kaidan alenko #shepard x kaidan #f!shenko #shenko #shepard #fshenko

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jjmaybanksblog · 4 years

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Death Bed (Coffee for Your Head)- Rafe Cameron

(Not my gif, credit to the owner!)

Summary: Based on Death Bed (Coffee for Your Head) by Powfu and Beabadoobe

Word count: 3,181

Warnings: (Lung) Cancer, hospitalization, cursing, sadness, mentions of death, death.

I sobbed writing this I'm not gonna lie

Don't stay awake for too long, don't go to bed. I'll make a cup of coffee for your head, I'll get you up and going out of bed.

Rafe Cameron sat there in the doctor's office, his eyes glazed over and his jaw slacked as the doctor stared at him with a pitied look. Six words repeated in his mind, 'you have stage four lung cancer'. He was only 22, how did this happen so soon?

He rubbed his hands over his face vigorously, cracking his knuckles after he stopped. "How long do I have?" "Some people don't survive more than 12 months, and if you're lucky, the latest I've seen is 5 years but that's with every single treatment." He flared his nostrils as he held back his tears, he wanted to be around one person and one person only; you.

Rafe showed up at your door after his appointment, a bouquet of rose's in his hand and a card in the other. You grinned at his kind gesture, your heart swelling with joy. He thought he would have to plaster a smile on his face, but the moment he saw you, a genuine smile appeared on his face. For the slightest moment, he forgot that he was dying.

You two spent the night together, cuddling and watching movies. Rafe held you close to him, his fingers skimming every part of your body, wanting to relish the feeling of you under his fingers. He checked the time and realized it was 3 in the morning and he was still awake.

You shifted in your spot before turning your body to face his, your hand reaching up and combing his blonde locks out of his face. "Don't stay awake for too long baby, you need rest." You mumbled, half asleep. "I know, I know. I just have a bad headache." He lied. Truth is, he wanted to stay awake and just admire how you looked next to him, curled up in his chest, allowing him to see your natural beauty.

"I'll make you a cup of coffee in the morning and I have plenty of ibuprofen to share." You grinned, pressing a delicate kiss to his neck. "Goodnight, my love." He whispered as he kissed your forehead in return, watching you fall back into your sleep.

I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna pass away. I've been thinking of our future 'cause I'll never see those days.

Rafe rubbed his eyes with his hands as he yawned, today was his third day without sleeping. He told you that he just kept waking up in the middle of the night but eventually he did go back to sleep. You believed him, offering any help to find resolutions but he politely denied them.

Truth was, everytime he fell asleep he had dreams about your future with him. The most recent one he had was of you two, married with two children. You two had moved out of the Outer Banks, wanting a new start. In this dream, he survived the cancer so he wanted a fresh start. Away from the toxic memories he had from that town.

It pained him every time he had a thought about your future, at least what he wanted your future with him to be. He wanted to make you so happy, he wanted to be the reason you woke up every morning and vice versa. You were his everything, and it killed him to know that soon it would come to an end.

I don't know why this has happened but I probably deserve it. I tried to do my best but you know that I'm not perfect.

You sat down on the couch, legs criss crossed as Rafe paced back and forth in front of you. He was mumbling to himself as you sat there confused, trying to calm down the nerves you knew he had. You didn't know what was going on which only worried you.

"Rafe, baby just sit next to me and talk to me." He sat down next to you, his elbows resting on his knees, terrified to look you in the eyes. You scooted closer to him and grabbed one of his hands, "breathe." Was all you said before he closed his eyes, deeply inhaling and exhaling for a few seconds before turning and looking at you.

You could finally see how scared he was, he looked like he hadn't slept, his eyes were pink and watery, the bags under his eyes were a light purple. You turned your body to face him, "Rafe, what's wrong?" He turned to you, mirroring the way you were sitting. "I have stage four lung cancer."

His words felt like you fell face first in cement from a fifty foot drop. "W-what?" You stuttered, your voice just above a whisper. He nodded his head as he watched your eyes release tears. Your mouth fell open but you quickly covered it with your hand. You tried to speak but the only sound you could make was a gasping sound, like a fish out of water.

"I have maybe 12 months to live." Your mouth was dry, your heart felt like it was somehow racing and stopping at the same time. Your world felt like it fell out of space and shattered. You wanted to know how long he knew, but it didn't matter. Moral of the story was that you wanted him to live a good life for as long as he lived, and that's what you were gonna do.

You didn't say anything, you simply crawled to him and straddled his lap. Your arms wrapped around his neck and he held your waist, allowing you two to cry into each other’s necks. He held you like if he were to let go, you would disappear forever.

“I got you Rafe, I got you." Your hand reached up and entangled itself in his hair, gently massaging it. "Why did this have to happen? Right when I was finally feeling happy." He screamed into your neck.

"I don't hunny. I don't know." You whispered.

I've been praying for forgiveness, you've been praying for my health. When I leave this Earth, hoping you'll find someone else.

Rafe turned his head to look at you, making sure you were fast asleep before he slowly got out of bed. Replacing his body with a pillow, he snuck out of the room and outside of your house.

He made his way to the backyard and sat down on the grass, laying back as he looked up at the stars. He took a deep breath before speaking out loud. "Hi, uh- God. I don't know how this works, I don't know how to pray or even if you're up there, but if you are I need you to hear what I have to say."

A star above him shined brighter for a split second before disappearing behind a cloud. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the disrespectful and disgusting teenager I was. I'm sorry for all the horrible things I did to my body. I'm sorry for the crimes I committed and never got caught. I admit to everything I have done wrong, I understand why you're taking it out on me. But please, leave Y/N out of this. She is the light of my life, the reason I was able to find happiness. Please don't take my actions out on her, make her fall out of love with me or something. Just...just something to ease her pain. Please."

•

Rafe was out at the grocery store, leaving you plenty of time to head over to the neighborhood church. You walked out of your car with sunglasses on so people couldn't see your red and watery eyes. You excused yourself as you shimmied through a small group of people.

You walked into the chapel and sat down in one of the pews. You removed your sunglasses before looking up at the front of the room. You let out a puff of air before speaking out loud. "Hi, God. I really don't know what I'm doing or why I'm even trying to talk to you. But I just, I'm so desperate and I just need your help. Please, please help Rafe. Help him at least live longer than a year, he wasn't the best person when he was a teenager, you know that. But he's changed into a whole new person, he knows how he was before and he hates it now. Please help him recover through this, help him pull through because I need him here. He was the one I was supposed to marry, the one who would be the father of my children, the one to help give me my happy ending. Please."

When I leave this Earth hoping you'll find someone else, 'cause yeah, we're still young there's so much we haven't done.

You shook your head at Rafe's words as you wiped your tears away with your hands. "No, there's no way." You cried out. He grabbed both your wrists and made you look at him. "Y/N, you have to listen to me. I don't want you to grieve or mourn, I want you to keep going. Find a new love, I don't want you to be alone. You need to find a new love, start a new story with them. Please baby, I beg you."

You squeezed your eyes closed, your throat felt like it was slowly shutting. Your heart felt like it had been stabbed after hearing his words. You knew he had a point, you knew you couldn't mourn over him the rest of your life, but just hearing it so soon pained you more than you could ever imagine.

Getting married, start a family, watch your husband with his son. I wish it could be me but I won't make it off this bed.

Another night where Rafe couldn't sleep, this being his 6th one in a row. He looked at you while you slept and admired the way the moonlight entered the window. The way the light cascaded down your face, highlighting some of your facial features.

He slept maybe an hour, however he had a dream that woke him up. He dreamed that you got married to another man, watching as he took care of your son. He felt his heart pang with pain knowing that would be the harsh reality they would soon have to face.

It felt like his body was there, he knew he was there, but it felt like his soul was floating out of him as he watched you be happy with a random stranger. He watched as you scooped your son up in your arms, spinning around as he let out cheerful giggles.

Rafe watched your husband who looked just as happy as you did. He hated that you were happy with someone else, but he knew you would be in good hands with your husband. He just had to pray that you'll meet someone who loves you just as much as he did.

I hope I go to heaven so I see you once again. My life was kinda short but I got so many blessings. Happy you were mine, it sucks that it's all ending.

Rafe had spent the next few months trying to make up for some of the shitty things he did in his teen years. He's been donating to the pour, volunteering at local shelters and soup kitchens, randomly picking garbage up from the highway. He was trying to do anything and everything to make sure he could go to heaven.

He had no clue if heaven or hell were real, but if they do exist he would do anything he could to make sure he got into heaven. After he dies, he knew that was his one chance to see you again. He knew one day he would wake up on the other side and you would be there, running to him to give him the hug both of you had been desperately craving.

I'm happy that you're here with me, I'm sorry if I tear up. When me and you were younger, you would always make me cheer up.

You softly knocked on the hospital room door, walking through the doorway with a tray of cafeteria food. "Hey baby, I brought you a sandwich and blue jello." He smiled at you, "my favorite." He subtly laughed before coughing harshly. You rushed over to his side and placed the tray down, grabbing one of the napkins to wipe away the small drops of blood that escaped his mouth.

"I got you baby, it's okay." You mumbled, passing him a glass of water as his coughing died down. You sat down in the seat next to him, watching him poke his sandwich before taking a small bite out of it. He sighed before dropping the sandwich back onto the plate, his eyes already crying. He sniffled as he covered his face with his hands, ashamed to be in the spot he was in right now.

You reached forward and grabbed onto his hand, rubbing his knuckles with your thumb as he tightened his grip. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. You shook your head trying to fight back your tears. "Don't apologize baby, I'm right here." "And I'm so fucking happy you are."

You held his hand, looking down at his fingers as you played with them. "Remember back in 8th grade when I got into a really bad argument with my dad after he married Rose? I was so angry and upset, and I ran right to your house. But you were right there to help me, you cheered me up in a matter of seconds of me being with you. That was one of the first times I truly knew how happy you made me." He recalled the memory, thinking about it like it was yesterday.

Taking goofy videos while walking through the park. You would jump into my arms every time you heard a bark.

You pulled up your snapchat and pressed record. You and Rafe decided to go to the local park to just go on the playground equipment. There was nobody around, even if there was when you were with him you felt like you two were the only ones there.

You recorded the video as Rafe pushed you on the swing set, you turned the camera to face you, zooming in on the large smile on his face. You pumped your legs up, accidentally kicking him in the stomach. The video got the whole thing and his reaction. You jumped off the swing and turned around to see him hunched over and groaning.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry!" You quickly apologized, trying to help him stand up straight. He laughed loudly, his bright smile never left his face. "That was so fucking funny!" You joined him in laughing, enjoying the moment. He held you closely by the waist as you held his elbows. "God, I am so in love with you." He muttered before pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

•

"Okay shut up that was one time and it was a dare!" You defended yourself, jokingly pushing his shoulder. He brought up the story about how you ran down the block fully naked one night in senior year. Your laugh stopped the moment you heard a loud bark echoing in the distance.

Your hand quickly reached down to grab his as your head turned in different directions to see where the sound came from. Rafe stopped walking and stood in front of you. "Hey, hey it's okay. It was just a dog." You nodded your head before letting out a shaky breath.

His free hand reached up and held the side of your face, "I got you Y/N. I won't let anything hurt you."

Cuddle in your sheets, sing me sound asleep. And sneak out through your kitchen at exactly 1:03.

You hushed Rafe as he whispered to you. Rafe had been your boyfriend for the last 2 months, however you hadn't told your parents about him yet which meant sneaking around if you wanted to be with him. You figured out a way to sneak him into your house without your parents knowing.

He tiptoed into your room before flinging himself onto your bed. He wasted no time in wrapping himself in your sheets, his arms wide open waiting for you to join him. You laid down next to him, watching as he looked at you with puppy eyes and his bottom lip pouting. "Which song tonight?" He thought for a minute, "Fix You by Coldplay."

You shifted in your spot so Rafe could rest his head on your chest, your hand reached yo to play with his hair. "When you try your best but you don't succeed…" you quietly sang to him. You continued until you heard his soft snores escape his lips. You shut your eyes and allowed yourself to fall asleep with him.

•

You were woken up by the feeling of his lips against yours, mumbling 'wake up' against them. "I'm awake." You muttered, rubbing your eyes. "I gotta head home." You nodded before flinging the sheets off of your body. You held his hand in yours before quietly opening your bedroom door. You led him down the halls and to your garage door.

He spun you around so you could face him, his hands finding your waist as you roped your arms around his neck. "See you tomorrow?" He questioned, "absolutely." You leaned forwards and kissed him softly, your lips hovering over his for a second.

"Goodnight handsome."

Soon you'll be alone, sorry that you have to lose me.

It's been 12 months, Rafe was admitted into the hospital at the beginning of month 11. It happened when Rafe broke into a coughing spit that ended up with him spitting up splatters of blood. You weren't ready when that happened, you knew that that was the beginning of his end and that terrified you.

"Y/N?" He whispered, you sat up from your seat and stood next to him. "Yeah baby?" "Can you kiss me?" Your heart clenched at how soft his voice was. "It would be my honor." You grinned as he let out a weak laugh. Leaning down you cupped the side of his face and passionately kissed him.

You pulled away from him, not even knowing about the tears that rolled down your face. "My eyelids feel heavy." He admitted, knowing this might be his last day. You held the side of his face, watching as his eyes slowly fell shut and his heart monitor slowed down. "No no, Rafe look at me. Keep your eyes open." You begged.

"I love you Y/F/N Y/L/N, forever and always." He whispered before his eyes fell shut. The room went silent except for the sound of the monitor flat lining, fear running through your veins. "Doctor!"

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