#i mean yeah he's had terrible decisions and did bad things. but all these he did out of love | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hooniblr · 1 month

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𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 (𝐘𝐄𝐓) 𝐈𝐈𝐈

PAIRING ▸ nishimura riki x female feader

WORD COUNT ▸ 4.4k

GENRE ▸ high school au, brother’s best friend au, fluff, angst

SYNOPSIS ▸ After spending the better part of your adolescent life crushing on your brother’s best friend, you finally decide to call it quits on your unrequited feelings when you come to the conclusion that’s all they will ever be—unrequited. The only problem is that getting rid of these feelings that have been lurking in your heart is much more difficult than you anticipated. Especially because the object of your affections keeps making it hard for you to move on.

Or the one where everyone ends up with emotional turmoil.

WARNINGS ▸ reader as sunoo’s twin sister, riki as sunoo’s bestie, feat. some of the newjeans members, misunderstandings, pining, slow burn, hurt feelings, mentions of claustrophobia, reader has a panic attack, hoonie is kind of mean in this one (sorry lol)

NOTE — if your user has a line through it that means you could not be tagged! please change your settings so i don’t remove you from the taglist! mdni banner made by @/benkeibear

Nishimura Riki was many things, but an unhelpful jerk was not one of them. Those close to him knew that he could never ignore a person in need. Every time he was asked for help, he would do just about anything in his power to do just that. It was near impossible for him to say no, and the situation he suddenly found himself in was no exception.

“Please?”

Song Yura’s clasped hands were resting under her chin prettily, her pleading eyes shining brilliantly like she was holding back tears. Riki’s expression softened because like most guys in his school, he couldn’t bear to say no to one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen. And while he didn’t immediately agree to her request, it didn’t mean that he wasn’t being swayed.

Okay, so the favor she needed was borderline unreasonable and downright toxic, but a large part of Riki didn’t care because it directly involved messing with Lee Heeseung.

“Can’t you just tell that idiot how you feel?” Riki’s tone was slightly rough. “Using me to make him jealous isn’t going to make him want you.”

Yura scowled at him. “How do you know? Jealousy is a powerful emotion.”

Riki’s jaw ticked. He knew that her stupid plan had a 95% chance of failing because anyone with eyes could tell that Heeseung was down bad for you. And as much as it killed him to witness it, he was pretty sure the feeling was mutual.

“Whatever you say.” Riki scoffed. “I still think this is a terrible idea.”

His friend only blinked at him before a victorious smirk slowly spread on her lips. She didn’t hear a no. “But you’ll help me, right?”

Riki’s tongue poked the corner of his lips, narrowed eyes glaring at the shorter girl with resignation. Maybe he would come to regret his decision, but if he could help his friend while getting that jerk away from you, then so be it.

“Yeah. I will.”

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Sunghoon was usually not one to pay attention to rumors, but even he couldn’t avoid hearing that Nishimura Riki and Song Yura were talking. It’s not a rumor that particularly interested him since he didn’t really care about his cousin’s love life. However, it did break his heart for you. In spite of what you wanted him to believe, he knew you never really got over your crush on Riki.

That’s why he disregards reason and goes out to look for you when he heard some of his classmates talking about the new hot couple of the school. Maybe it was foolish of him to do so because he was the one to walk away from you in the first place, yet he couldn’t care about any of that. He just needed to be there should you be in need of comfort.

Except when he made it outside and saw you just a few feet away from the school’s entrance, he belatedly realized that you had already found a source of comfort in the form of Lee Heeseung.

The sight made Sunghoon feel sick. You seemed oblivious to the way the taller boy was staring at you with a stupid look on his face. It made his stomach turn with bitter jealousy. From the looks of it, he could tell that your involvement with Heeseung went beyond a simple friendship. It killed him to see just how brightly you smiled at Lee Heeseung. You claimed to not have any feelings for him, but maybe you were just in denial.

And now, Sunghoon could only watch with a crestfallen face as Heeseung handed you a cute little box. Your eyes lit up brightly to the point that it looked like they were nearly sparkling. It killed him to see how prettily you smiled when you opened the box and pulled out a star necklace.

Heeseung smiled softly. “Do you like it?”

“It’s so pretty.” You couldn’t keep the excitement out of your voice.

You gently place the necklace back in its box before throwing your arms around your friend. When he said he’d get you a prize for finally beating him in a match, you thought he was just going to treat you to a meal or something. “Thanks, Hee.”

Sunghoon refused to watch any further, turning on his heel and walking away from the sight that made him feel like someone punched him in the gut. Right then he decided that he was going to get to the bottom of your relationship with Lee Heeseung even if it was the last thing he did.

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You were going to kill Minji.

When you told her she could invite people to join you for karaoke, you didn’t think she would be stupid enough to invite Jungwon. It’s not like you had anything against him, but anywhere he went, your brother and Riki followed. This wouldn’t have been such a big problem had you not been avoiding Riki and if you hadn’t invited Heeseung to come along with you.

And to make matters worse, Heeseung brought along his friends which included resident puppy boy, Jake Sim. Much like Jungwon, you had nothing against Jake, but he happened to bring along your insufferable ex and his lovely cousin who he was apparently very close to.

“Should we get something to eat first?” Danielle wondered, trying to ease the obvious tension and discomfort that surrounded the group.

“There’s a chicken restaurant by the karaoke place.” Sunoo said cheerfully. “Let’s go there.”

A chorus of agreements paired with Jay and Jake’s enthusiastic cheers broke some of the lingering animosity, but not completely. As everyone walked in the direction of the restaurant, you quickly pulled Heeseung aside. Your eyes were wide with anger, and it wasn’t just because of the fact that Sunghoon kept staring at you.

“What the fuck, Heeseung?” You hissed, slapping your friend’s arm. “Why would you let Jake bring him?”

“Why did you let Minji bring Nishimura?” Heeseung countered, feeling like he was about to pop a vein.

“I didn’t know she invited them! I don’t want to see him with Yura any more than you do.”

It wasn’t like they were making out in front of you or anything, but they were giggling and whispering to each other like they were in their own little world. Also, Riki had casually slung one of his long arms across Yura’s shoulders, keeping her close to him as they walked. Just seeing them all hugged up was enough for you to consider ending your night early.

“I’m sorry.” Heeseung sighed, knowing that now you were not only forced to see your crush with someone else, but also forced to tolerate your idiot of an ex. “You think they’ll notice if we leave?”

Hearing you laugh was a relief. Maybe the night could be salvaged after all.

“I told you your plan wouldn’t work.” Riki whispered through gritted teeth. “Your little boyfriend could care less that you’re here.”

Yura pouted, chancing a glance back to where she could hear the sound of a cute laugh. It was true. Heeseung was so engrossed with watching you giggle that he didn’t seem to notice how close her and Riki had gotten. Not that she could blame him. You were especially pretty when you laughed.

With a huff, Yura looked straight ahead. “Whatever. The night isn’t over yet.”

Riki looked back. His eyes landed on a sullen Sunghoon who hadn’t taken his eyes off of you since he and Yura arrived. It’s not like Riki felt bad for him or anything. He saw firsthand how devastating your breakup with him had been. However, in that moment Riki almost felt like he understood exactly how Sunghoon was feeling.

Seeing you laugh happily with Lee Heeseung made Riki physically sick. Especially after you sent him a text asking him to just let it go this once since you technically couldn’t avoid Heeseung at this point. It made him more upset than he thought was possible.

Dinner went by in a forgettable blur which you were grateful for. So far, you and Heeseung had done a decent job at hiding how devastating it was to see Yura and Riki together. It wasn’t until the group was going into the karaoke place that your night started to sour.

“Y/N.” Sunghoon’s voice was soft as he gently pulled on the sleeve of your jacket. “Can we talk?”

Unfortunately, Heeseung was the first one inside since he was eager to out-sing everyone which meant you would have to deal with Sunghoon alone. You let the group go ahead, giving Danielle and Minji a small nod so they wouldn’t feel bad about leaving you alone.

A frown lined your lips as you faced Sunghoon. “What do you want?”

Your voice was cold and distant, and Sunghoon felt himself deflate. “I want us to go back to the way we used to be. Before… everything, we used to be friends. Now, you can barely even look at me, and I hate it.”

His unreasonable request made you scoff. You’re not sure why he thought you two could ever be friends or anything close to that again. There was a building tightness in your throat as you tried not to unleash all of your stifled emotions.

“That’s not going to happen. I got over what happened between us, but that doesn’t mean I want you around.”

“Why?” Sunghoon demanded. “Because of Heeseung?”

He was overstepping, but you somehow managed to keep your emotions in check long enough to answer him. “So what if it is?”

“Does he know how you feel about Riki?” It was a low blow, but Sunghoon was too upset to take his words back.

Your icy gaze got colder, and it was taking everything in you not to hit Sunghoon like you wanted. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Now it was Sunghoon who scoffed. “Yeah, right. You’ve always liked him. Even when we were together, you had feelings for him. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

You swallowed thickly. While his words were not untrue, Sunghoon didn’t realize he was the only guy who had ever moved your heart to the point where you started to forget about Riki. Not that it mattered anymore.

“What do you care who I do or don’t like? Just mind your own business.”

“I may not be friends with Heeseung anymore, but he doesn’t deserve only half of your heart.” Sunghoon’s voice trembled, and he knew that once everything was said and done he was going to regret his harsh words. But right now he could only vent his sadness and anger on you even though you didn’t deserve it. “It’s not right for you to make him your back burner just because Riki doesn’t like you.”

The second he spoke those harsh words, he regretted it. Your face crumbled, steely gaze twisting into one of hurt and shock. The sight alone made Sunghoon feel like someone struck him in the chest. “Y/N, I—”

“You don’t know anything.” You told him through gritted teeth, barely holding back angry tears. “Not that it’s any of your business, but Heeseung and I aren’t like that.”

Sunghoon grew indignant again. “Oh yeah? Then why did he give you that necklace you’re wearing?”

You were at a breaking point, but you weren’t willing to let him of all people see you at your worst. So you didn’t answer, but your silence didn’t deter him.

“That’s what I thought.” Sunghoon frowned, not liking the turn the conversation took. “You have to be honest with him so he doesn’t get hurt—”

“Why do you care so much about us, anyway?” You snapped, sick of him acting like he knew what was going on. “Stop acting like you’re doing this because of Heeseung when all you care about is hurting me.”

Us? The word had Sunghoon clenching his jaw. Had he been right all along? Did you and Heeseung have something more than just a simple friendship? “I don’t want to hurt you. Believe it or not, that’s something I never wanted to do.”

You let out a breath that sounded like a mixture of a scoff and a laugh, knowing you had to get ahold of yourself before going inside. But the hurtful emotions wouldn’t stop growing. They only got worse with each passing moment. “That’s funny because that’s all you do, Sunghoon.”

“Y/N.”

You looked back to see Riki glaring at Sunghoon. At that moment you felt your heart drop into your stomach. How long had he been listening? Riki’s angry stare didn’t falter even as he walked over to where you were. He grabbed your wrist and pulled you away from your ex.

“Come on.” Riki finally took his glaring eyes off of Sunghoon, only to look at you softly. “The others are waiting.”

Normally, you would avoid being dragged anywhere by your crush, but Riki’s appearance came like a blessing to you. The last thing you wanted was to spend another minute with the boy who only insisted on adding to your misery. So you followed him, hoping with all your might that he didn’t know about your feelings for him.

Sunghoon watched with a raised eyebrow as Riki guided you away from him. Interesting. He had doubted that the thing with his cousin and Riki was real, and by the looks of it, he was right. The gag of it all was that your little unrequited crush didn’t seem to be so unrequited after all.

“Did you hear everything?” You wondered quietly as Riki guided you to the room everyone was in.

He looked over at you, frowning when he saw how embarrassed you looked. In all honesty, he’d only heard the last part where you said all Sunghoon did was hurt you. But since it seemed like you were completely mortified, he decided to lie a little. “No. I just know you didn’t want to be out there with him so I came and got you.”

You visibly relaxed. “Thanks, Riki.”

It was easier than expected to pretend like you hadn’t just been through the emotional ringer. The rest of the night proceeded without any further incident, and you thought it would end smoothly with you putting it behind you. As always, you weren’t so fortunate.

You went outside to see Heeseung staring at the street, or rather, the two people by it. Riki and Yura were standing closely, talking and laughing like they had been doing all night. His gaze became colder the longer he looked at them. If jealousy could be personified, you imagined that it would look something like Heeseung did at the moment.

“Don’t be a masochist.” You tried to keep your tone light, but it sounded resigned and miserable. “Giving them the evil eye won’t change anything.”

Heeseung let out a sigh as he followed you into the street, doing his best to keep his eyes off of his crush and the guy he hated more than anyone.

“Are you guys leaving?”

Yura’s friendly question was tempting to ignore, but you couldn’t. After all, she couldn’t be blamed for Riki’s lack of attraction toward you.

“Yeah.” You gave her what you hoped looked like a genuine smile. “See you guys later.”

With that, you and Heeseung left the pair behind, not realizing that you dropped the necklace your friend had given you.

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Just because you were avoiding Riki, it didn’t mean you were extending that same treatment to his family. Over the years, you had grown close to his little sister. You were really fond of her, and since her birthday was coming up, you decided to go to the mall to pick out her present. It was supposed to be a quick thing, but that all changed when you ran into Heeseung.

The unexpected run in wasn’t unpleasant since he was your friend after all, but there was something off about his demeanor. His expression wasn’t as cheerful, and you could see that there was this muted anger in his expression that wouldn’t go away. You decided not to comment on it since he clearly didn’t want to walk about what was bothering him.

Everything took a turn for the worse when Heeseung asked you to follow him. There was a moment where you thought following your perturbed friend would only lead to trouble, but it was fleeting. He was probably ready to leave and so were you since she hadn’t found the shoes Riki’s sister mentioned that she wanted. Even as you two ended up where the elevators were, you didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary.

Until he guided you toward the shutting elevator, that is.

Heeseung surprised you by sticking his hand out to prevent it from closing. You could only stare with wide eyes, unable to understand why he felt the need to act so irrationally when there were plenty of other elevators you could take. Your shocked confusion didn’t last long. The doors opened fully to reveal none other than Riki and Song Yura.

They seemed as surprised as you felt.

The entire situation would’ve been comedic had it not been for the animosity that was quickly closing in. You spent half a second contemplating on running in the opposite direction until something caught your attention. Your gaze settled on the cute little shopping bag in Riki’s grasp. It was a bag from his sister’s favorite clothing store. Your heart jerked painfully when you realized what was going on.

Ever since you got close to Riki, he had enlisted your help to buy his sisters (his younger one in particular) the perfect gifts. It was practically a tradition at this point. Seeing that he had asked for Yura’s help instead of yours felt like the equivalent of someone punching you in the chest.

You didn’t get any time to focus on your hurt feelings because from the looks that were exchanged between the two boys, you knew that you had just been dropped in the middle of a crossfire.

Heeseung grabbed you and pulled you inside the elevator without any hesitation. You gave him an incredulous glare. It was obvious that he had some poorly-crafted plan to wedge himself between Riki and Yura, but you didn’t understand why he felt the need to involve you. At this point, all you wanted to do was run back home and have a good cry.

“Hey!” Riki’s death stare was piercing he looked at Heeseung. “What the hell do you think you're doing?”

“What about you?” Heeseung countered. “What are you doing?”

During this brief exchange, you made eye contact with Yura. Her eyes drifted down to where Heeseung was still holding onto your wrist. The disillusion on her face probably resembled the look on your own face. Although, you were too busy trying to process the crazy turn of events to make sense of Yura’s disappointed expression.

“Hee.” You whispered the plea while attempting to free yourself from his hold. “Let’s get off.”

Using all your strength, you managed to get to the edge of the elevator (right between the doors), but Heeseung’s iron-like grip prevented you from leaving. Riki pressed one of the buttons to keep the door from closing without taking his glaring eyes off of Heeseung. By now, your heartbeat seemed to be ringing in your ears as the two boys kept exchanging words you couldn’t make out. You were vaguely aware that they kept pushing the buttons sporadically, but only came back to reality when the door jammed and nearly crushed you.

With a startled yelp, you were pulled back into the elevator by Heeseung—who was now questioning Yura on what she was doing shopping with Riki. The words spoken still sounded muffled and indistinguishable.

You could feel your heartbeat skip a beat when the elevator came to a sluggish stop. Immediately, you became aware of the fact that you were now trapped. No. No no no no no, no. Not here. Not now. Trying to stop yourself from panicking was futile. Your hands began to clam up and you could feel your chest tighten with anxiety. The tremors always started out faint, but it never took long for them to worsen. The shortness of breath always followed, and you only hoped the others wouldn’t notice.

Shutting your eyes never helped, but you did it every time. The back of your eyelids were painted with horrible thoughts of being trapped in a confined space. You had been working through your phobia slowly, and you naively thought that you had finally made some real progress. None of that seemed to be true now that you could feel yourself trembling like a leaf.

“Y/N! Kim Y/N!”

Your eyes flew open. At some point, you had lost the feeling in your legs and fallen to the floor. Riki was crouched down in front of you, eyes full of panic and worry. His hands gently cradled your face as he delicately wiped the tears you didn’t realize were falling from your eyes. “Y/N, look at me. It’s okay. Breathe. Just breathe.”

Sunoo had told Riki all about his twin’s claustrophobia. He was vague when he said it was because of something traumatic that had happened to you as a child, but he mentioned that you would get horrible panic attacks because of it. That’s why you didn’t like taking taxis or even buses. Riki couldn’t stand seeing the horrified look on your face. The sheer terror in your eyes killed him.

“Wh-What’s wrong with her?” Yura asked, feeling her own heart start to race.

“She’s having a panic attack.” Heeseung said, the raw emotion in his voice peeking through. He didn’t try to hide the horror on his face. This was all his fault.

“R-Riki.” You wheezed out. “I-I can’t– I can’t bre—”

You couldn’t even finish your sentence, the tightness in your chest hindering you from going on. Everything seemed to be closing in, and you didn’t know what to do. All you wanted was your brother.

“You can do it.” Riki reassured you. “It’s going to be okay. Count with me.”

And you did. Slowly and feebly, but you did it. Your breathing was nearly back to normal when the doors of the elevator were pulled open. The four of you looked up at the point of escape, wanting nothing more than to get out. With all your rational thoughts pushed to the side, you recoiled from Riki’s touch.

“Y/N—!”

You ignored Riki’s heartbroken voice and quickly scrambled out of the elevator, feeling more mortified than ever.

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Riki stood outside of your house, awkwardly shifting on his feet. In all the years he had been friends with you and Sunoo, he never hesitated to knock on your door (even when he came by unannounced). But this was time different. After the way you ran off at the mall, he wasn’t so sure that you wanted to see him.

Even so, he needed to know that you were okay.

Just as he walked up your driveway, the front door opened. Riki’s eyes narrowed instinctively when he saw a familiar face come through the door. “What are you doing here?”

Heeseung blinked once, clearly irritated. “I came to make sure Y/N is okay.”

Riki clenched his jaw. He had no right to be as angry as he was since seeing the boy you liked would no doubt make you feel better, but he couldn’t stand Lee Heeseung assuming a role that wasn’t meant for him.

“That’s funny considering you’re the reason she wasn’t fine.” Riki spat, not caring that he sounded harsh.

Heeseung was very conscious that he was (partially) at fault, but he didn’t need to hear that from Nishimura Riki of all people. “You’re one to talk. Aren’t you too busy with Song Yura to care about what’s going on with Y/N?”

It’s weird that he brought up Yura, and it was even more strange that he was bringing up the fact that you two haven’t been as close lately. Now he knows for sure Heeseung was the reason you seemed to want nothing to do with him anymore. But he still couldn’t figure out how Yura played a part in all this. Had her crazy plan actually worked?

“What happens between Yura and I has nothing to do with Y/N.” Riki’s steely gaze slowly morphed into an amused one. “And it has nothing to do with you either.”

Based on the way Heeseung’s face scrunched up in anger, Riki could tell there was definitely something there. It made his stomach turn with disgust because how could he be stringing you along while also feeling something for Yura?

“You can keep following Yura like a lost puppy, but don’t bring Y/N into it. I won’t let you mess with her feelings."

Heeseung raised his eyebrow with a loud scoff. “I’m not the one who’s messing with her feelings.”

His brazen attitude made Riki explode just a tiny bit. “Don’t act fucking stupid. I can tell you like Yura, so why the hell do you keep hanging around Y/N and acting like you like her?”

“The only one who’s acting that way is you.”

Heeseung words were biting, and for the first time in a long time, Riki was at a loss for words. The statement itself was so absurd that he nearly choked on his own spit after hearing that moron say those words. Riki wanted to tell him that the only thing he was acting like was a good friend. For some reason the words couldn’t come out.

“I know where I stand with my feelings.” Heeseung said in a way that sounded like he was accusing his former friend of something. “Do you?”

Riki didn’t say anything even when Heeseung walked away from him. Those asinine words were bouncing back and forth in his mind until he really digested them and the implications they came with. His heart was pounding as he stared at the Kim household. Could that idiot be right? Was it possible that these protective feelings stemmed from something more intense that he wasn’t ready to acknowledge?

No. It was impossible. There was no way he would ever betray his best friend by liking his sister.

Although, the longer he thought about it, the bigger the discomfort in his chest grew.

#hooniblr.doc #niki x reader #enhypen x reader #enha x reader #niki fanfic #enhypen x you #enha angst #niki x you #enhypen angst #niki imagines #enhypen fanfiction #enha au #enha imagines #enhypen fic #niki angst #enha scenarios #enhypen au

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the-boy-meets-evil · 9 months

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some habits are hard to break | feat. jungkook

(where you know that jungkook is the last person you should keep running back to, but neither of you can seem to let the other go.)

pairing: jungkook x fem!reader genre: angst, smut, est. relationship rating: explicit, minors DNI word count: ~12.5k warnings: the relationship isn't healthy (but they're very human), miscommunications, misplaced hope, bad habits, unhealthy coping mechanisms, cheating (reader on unnamed boyfriend), mentions of past trauma (reader), mentions of therapy, mentions of mental health struggles (reader), explicit smut: unprotected sex (don't do this), fingering (f. receiving), oral sex (f. receiving), handjob, semi public sex (behind a closed door at a club), teasing, hair pulling, light choking, i think that's it but let me know if i missed anything

a/n: she is finally here! i did not expect this fic to take me this long, but here we are. thank you to one of my favorite humans @ugh-yoongi for reading this over and assuring me they weren't terrible, just human. this story feels personal to me so that was reassuring.

a/n 2: lauren has asked for a pt 2, so i’ll be writing that after i get through both my collabs due in august 💕 banner/divider credit: my bby @classicscreations who always comes through tagging: @pjmparadise @axialitae

Every single thought is the same. You know better than to send the text sitting on your phone. You know precisely why it’s wrong. You know that nothing is ever going to change.

Here’s the thing. You’re in a healthy, stable relationship with someone who’s good to you and for you. He’s honest and caring, funny and sweet. Despite all of your baggage, he never makes you feel less than, never makes you feel broken. This is the first time in your life that you’ve been able to lay all your shit on the table and have someone accept it unconditionally. And he always does what he says he’s going to. You’re never up waiting at 2 in the morning, wondering where he is because he hasn’t called or texted.

So, yeah, things with him are good, great even.

But…

And that’s the thing, isn’t it? As soon as there’s a but, it’s like you can’t see all of the good. It’s all just a placeholder before what may be the worst three-letter word in the English language. You wonder if it means there’s just something fundamentally wrong with you. Who looks for the “buts” of every situation? Why can’t you just appreciate all the truly wonderful things in your relationship?

Because you’ve had the one thing you’re missing. You know it exists and it’s hard to forget.

Your boyfriend is great, perfect, even, in almost every way that matters. It’s just, you’re not exactly…satisfied. And you know that you could guide him to be better for you in that way. He just seems a bit sensitive about it at times and you don’t want to make him feel less than since he never does that to you.

This is exactly why you’re staring at your phone. Paralyzed because you both want to send the text and know you really can’t. Your body remembers his, remembers the way the slightest touch sent your heart racing. You try to also remember every word he’s ever uttered to you, too, because he’s always been very clear about who he is.

It’s fucked up that you’re even considering it, beyond wrong that you typed those 5 words out in an empty conversation thread. (Even though you usually keep every conversation, you deleted this one after you got serious about your boyfriend. You say it’s to keep the temptation away, but really, how well is that working now?)

You: what are you up to?

Just like that, your need to fill your desires wins out against every other rational thought you have. Part of you hopes that he doesn’t respond. It’s been months since you last spoke and you know he’s got a short attention span. Maybe he’ll spare you having to make a final decision.

Jungkook: out getting some drinks with friends

He doesn’t. His answer comes in far quicker than you expect it to and you get that same feeling in your stomach. Like anticipation mixed with desire. You’re so fucked.

Jungkook: what are you up to?

Tomorrow you’ll look back and realize this is a chance to bow out, to realize that this is a mistake. That you hadn’t sealed your fate when you sent the first message. You could still just bow out and walk away, leave the message unanswered.

You don’t.

You: nothing, just at home alone Jungkook: what about the boyfriend? You: away for work

You know that you should feel bad now. A normal person might realize that this was destructive behavior, that you’re purposely sabotaging your own long-term happiness for instant gratification. At least, that’s what your therapist tells you.

Jungkook: I can be home in 15 minutes, I’m just around the corner

The message is really your last chance, whether you consciously think about it or not. There was no preamble with Jungkook. He assumes you’re texting him so you can come over. And he’s right, isn’t he? You weren’t exactly texting to catch up with someone you weren’t ever friends with anyway. No, you’re both adults and you know what this is. Just like you’ve always known.

You: give me 30 and I’ll be over

Was there really any other outcome? From the moment you opened Jungkook’s contact to start a text, this was the inevitable end. You can pretend that you have control and you were on the fence. But, you know the truth, and so does Jungkook. He knows it from the moment your name appears on his lock screen. This only ends one way, the same way it’s ended countless times before.

Thirty minutes later, after cleaning up and getting dressed, you stand on Jungkook’s doorstep. There’s a moment where you genuinely question if this is smart. Smart is the wrong word, you think. Of course, this is fucking stupid. You could ask 100 people and every single one of them would probably tell you to turn around. So no, this isn’t smart. The real question is if you’re going to do it anyway.

Jungkook opens the door before you even knock and the question dies. There he is, in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt, like the true fuckboy you know he is, and your body remembers. It remembers every kiss, every touch, every tremble. It starts to react without your permission. By the smirk he’s wearing, you can tell Jungkook remembers too.

“Right on time,” he says, leaning against the door frame like he needs the support.

“Are we gonna have a whole conversation out here?” It’s a challenge and a mistake all rolled into one.

He doesn’t answer, just moves aside so that you can step past him. There’s a moment, as you’re stepping past him and glancing around his apartment, of nerves. Of wondering what the fuck is going on. But his apartment hasn’t changed, not that you expected it to, and neither has he.

“Want anything to drink?” he asks, moving around you to the kitchen. He looks back over his shoulder at you, a confident smirk on his lips. “We could do a couple shots.”

“Trying to get me drunk?” you wonder. Still, you follow him into the kitchen.

“No, definitely not.” His answer is swift and his eyes roam over you, appraising. “You just seem a little on edge.”

“Wonder why that is,” you huff out.

Jungkook leans back against the counter, eyes still trained on you. “If you don’t want to be here…”

“I didn’t say that either,” you respond.

There’s this weird tension settling between the two of you and you’re not really sure what to do about it. Not really sure how to get out of your head for even a second. That’s when you feel Jungkook’s hands on your hips, pulling you back against his body where he still leans against the counter.

“I don’t want you to feel pressured,” he says and dips his head to kiss along your jawline.

“I don’t,” you respond.

“Do you want me to stop?” he whispers against your skin as he continues to kiss down your neck.

The only thing that comes out for a second is a hum when Jungkook lightly sucks at the base of your neck where it meets your collarbone. “No.”

“Are you sure?” He’s pulled back now and looking you directly in the eye.

You take a breath and then another when your heart starts to speed up. The only thoughts are of his lips on yours, his fingers grazing along your body. Slowly your fingers trail up his arms and he doesn’t move at all. Just watches you and waits for you to make your decision. Leaves it all up to you.

So you do the only thing you can, the only thing you were going to do once you sent that text. You let your fingers find purchase in his hair and you press your lips hard against his. He’s turning the two of you around in an instant so it’s you pressed into the counter. The kiss is hard and desperate, like you’ve both been starved and this is the only way to solve that. His hands feel like they’re everywhere and it’s still not enough, not completely what you need. Nobody has ever set your body on fire just from kissing the way Jungkook does. It’s bliss the way your brain goes almost silent except for thoughts of him. And you know he’s just as turned on, can feel it in the way he’s pressing against you.

Jungkook kisses down your neck again and you don’t even bother to hold back the moan. When you feel him lightly sucking into your skin before pulling away, part of you wishes he’d do it harder. Wishes he’d leave a mark. Wishes for something to show what you’re doing here tonight without you having to say it. He doesn’t, though, and you know he wouldn’t even if you asked.

Instead he pulls away, smirks at your whimper from the lack of contact, and reaches for the hem of your shirt. He’s still asking permission, so you give it. Your shirt and bra disappear in record time and his mouth is back on. Softly kissing down the space between your breasts and across the underside of one. It’s too much, the way he knows exactly what you need, the way his lip ring teases you as he moves across your skin, the way he stops to just look at you when he knows he’s driving you crazy.

Well, you think, two can play at that game. Before he even realizes what you’re doing, you’re spitting into your hand and reaching inside his sweats and boxers (since he’s annoyingly still clothed). You’re slowly dragging your hand along his length, moving painfully slowly. He groans when you slide your thumb over his tip and pulls back.

“Fuck,” he says and slowly pulls your hand out.

“What?” you ask, actually confused.

“Come on, I can’t fuck you against this counter but if we don’t get out of here, I’m gonna try,” he says and pulls you along into the bedroom.

Jungkook kisses you hard and lightly pushes you back onto the bed. You prop yourself up to watch him quickly undress. You love watching the way his muscles contract with each movement, love the lean lines of his body, absolutely love everything about him. If he sees you watching him, which you’re sure he does, he doesn’t say anything. Instead he leans over you, kisses you hard again as he pulls your pants and underwear off nearly in one motion.

“Eager,” you taunt.

“You won’t be saying that when you can’t walk tomorrow,” he says.

Before you can answer, Jungkook is flipping you over so that you’re on your hands and knees, pressing down on your back so your ass is in the air. You’re a little surprised, because usually he takes his time with you. Not that you’re complaining. He moves on the bed and then you hear a bottle opening seconds before you feel the cold liquid at your entrance. He may be a lot of things, but he always makes sure you’re taken care of.

Despite his words, he still slides into you slowly and lets you adjust to him. His hands grip your hips tightly as he rolls his hips into you almost carefully, like he’s not sure if you’re adjusted. It’s bordering on painful that he’s so still.

“Fuck Jungkook, move,” you whine.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“Just fuck me, please fuck me,” you beg and you hear the low chuckle.

“Thought you’d never ask,” he says and snaps into you hard.

“Fuckkkkkk,” you draw out.

Removing one hand from your hip, he presses you back down into the mattress. You arch your back further so he has a better angle and let the pillow muffle your moans. It mixes with his own groans and the slap of his skin against yours every time he buries himself fully inside you. There’s something frantic about it and you’re sure this is what you’ve been missing. Sure this is what you need. He removes his hand from your hip again and roughly slaps your ass.

“Oh my god, Jungkook,” you yell.

He slaps your other ass cheek and it makes you scream out again. Yes, this is what you need. Someone to be a little rougher with you. Someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re going to break or worry if you can take it because he knows. He knows exactly what you can take and exactly what you like. Him pulling on your hair is only further proof of that.

And then he’s pulling you to him, so that your back is against his chest. The new angle has him hitting deeper inside you, reaching that spot that nearly has you seeing stars. Jungkook moves his hand out of your hair around your neck, gripping lightly.

“Do you like that, baby?” he whispers roughly in your ear.

“Yes,” you moan out.

“Because I fuck you the best,” he continues.

“Jungkook, fuck, just fucking choke me, please,” you beg, unbothered by how much you’re begging him.

That doesn’t need any answer from him beyond his fingers tightening around your throat. It’s the perfect pressure too, just like every other time he’s choked you while fucking. It makes you feel a little lightheaded but also like everything feels that much more amplified. Every hard thrust into your cunt pushes you closer to the edge. Every breath sounds louder. Everything is just more.

He also knows your body to know when you’re close. You almost whine when he removes his hand from your throat because you felt like you were about to come. And then he rubs a thumb over your clit, continues to make sure you come first, like always.

“Fuck, fuck, I’m gonna come,” you shout.

“Come on baby, I wanna feel you come,” he says into your ear.

It’s the only permission you need as you let go. Somewhere, in the haze of your high, you can tell that he’s coming too, that his release comes just after yours. It’s all you can do not to slump against his body, though. His arms are strong around you as he pulls out so that both of you can lay down on the bed.

A few minutes later, after he’s cleaned you both off and you’re lying together in bed, you wonder how you’re going to extract yourself. You’ve never really felt awkward around him, so you’re not really sure why you do now.

“I should be going,” you say and start to sit up.

Jungkook is quick to pull you back down. He meets your look of confusion with nothing but desire. You think, not for the first time, it’s the kind of look that you drown in. The kind of look that ruins you.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” he asks.

“Home?” you offer.

“Why?” he fires back.

“I don’t know, Jungkook, we already fucked,” you say. Part of you is a little exasperated at having to spell it out.

“Do you really think I’m going to let you leave here when I haven’t even tasted you?” he asks.

Fuck.

(He follows through with exactly what he says. It’s slow and measured, like he wants to pull apart every thread you have one by one. Like he wants to ruin you for anyone that isn’t him. Like he doesn’t know he already has.

The lip ring is new since the last time you fucked him and you’re not sure if you’ll even be able to tell when he’s between your legs. Until you’re praising him so loudly you’re sure his neighbors must hear. Or maybe it’s just because he’s so good at getting you off. Even if tonight, he takes his time, brings you to the edge over and over before finally letting you slip over.

It’s the early hours of the morning by the time you’re both worn out. You offer to call a ride, only to have him insist you stay. It’s much too late to be going anywhere when he’d be worried if you were safe or not. So you stay and it’s the best sleep you’ve gotten in awhile.)

The wait is excruciating. Your boyfriend comes home tonight and it’s terrible timing, you know, but you also know that you have to tell him what happened. It isn’t fair to him to just go on without knowing. He’s one of the kindest people in the world, doesn’t deserve this. He’s not broken like you, something you’ve pointed out since the beginning. Maybe those intrusive thoughts were right and you just aren’t built for healthy relationships.

Although you haven’t told many of your friends what happened, you had to confide in a few. Each of them tells you that you shouldn’t tell him what happened. They say that it’s just one of those things where confessing might make you feel better, but it’ll only make him feel shitty. It’s hard to know how he’ll feel. Shitty is probably fair. But, you think they’re wrong about how you’ll feel. Getting this off your chest will just replace one weight with another. Wanting to come clean isn’t about clearing your own conscience. It’s about honesty and him having the ability to make an informed decision.

It actually goes far better than you thought, somehow. He’s hurt, how could he not be? Despite that, he’s calm in the conversation. Instead of breaking it off there and then, which is what you expect, he suggests taking a step back. It’ll allow the relationship to be less defined and maybe less serious. You can’t really believe it when he says that he’s there to work things out with you and give you the space to figure out what you need. It breaks your heart a little bit more, somehow, to see him so patient with you. You don’t deserve it.

Instead of seeing this as a failure, he wants you to see it for what he sees it as. This is just a slip, a step back. There’s been so much trauma in your life that it’s natural for you to have moments where you slip. He’s hurt, yes, he’ll admit that, but he’s not angry with you. At the end of the day, he genuinely cares for you and he’s willing to do whatever it is the both of you need in order to move forward. You both agree that therapy as a couple might be important. However, he insists that it can wait while you sort through how you’re feeling.

Overall, you think you feel okay about it. Things will look different with him for the time being, but you can actually see past this moment in time. That’s new for you. You’re feeling hopeful for the future and you even let yourself imagine a future with him in it. Maybe this isn’t the end of the world after all. Maybe this is just something you actually needed to close a chapter.

Weeks go by. Therapy is back to being once a week, sometimes twice when the sessions fit into your work schedule, and you do trust this therapist. Really, you do. She listens to everything you say and interjects in meaningful ways. It’s clear that she’s actually listening to you and giving you genuine feedback, rather than some previous therapists that only asked how something made you feel. Sitting in that office has forced you to face a lot of deep-seated issues, everything from your childhood to past relationships to the deepest recesses of your mind. Sometimes you don’t really want to relive those moments, but she’s always done a good job of explaining why you need to do the work.

But…

And there it is, again, that stupid three-letter word that brings everything to a screeching halt.

Despite all your therapist’s work, there’s a part of you that doesn’t see the future anymore. Therapy is wonderful and you’re actually really thankful you found this therapist. You’re sleeping better, you feel lighter, and the world doesn’t feel like it’s going to crush you every day. Maybe she’s a little too good at her job, though, because you’re wondering how to move forward. Your boyfriend is perfect…for someone. And you’re not sure anymore if that someone is you.

It’s been weeks and he’s still just content to take the backseat while you do whatever work you need to do. It’s stupid, you know it’s stupid, but you want him to fight for you. You want to see that he is actually upset over what happened with Jungkook. It’s not healthy, you know that and your therapist reminds you it’s not healthy. You’re doing everything you can to make your brain catch up that it’s not healthy. You can’t shake it, though. All the doubts and insecurities creep back in when he still doesn’t seem bothered.

So you do the only thing you can think of, the thing your therapist disagrees with. Well, disagrees with the reasoning, not with the idea itself. You break off the relationship. He tries to approach it in such a way that leaves the door open for you both to come back to it down the road. You don’t want loose ends, so you lie. It hurts to see his face crumble when you say you just don’t love him and he should find someone that does. It’s cruel. You hate yourself for doing it. But you think it’s easier this way. This is too comfortable and you don’t want to string him along.

Then, you make the second decision your therapist disagrees with and text Jungkook. After seeing she can’t make you see her perspective on the break-up, she suggests spending some time alone to learn more about yourself. That’s terrifying. If she could hear your thoughts, surely she would not suggest leaving you alone with them. They’re intrusive and self-sabotaging and just loud, so loud.

Unsurprisingly, Jungkook is happy to hear from you, happier still to know that you’re unattached again. Not that he minds being discreet, he’s happy to confine things to the four walls of his apartment. It’s just that he also likes to get you dressed up and go out. He’s always liked having someone pretty on his arm, even if he’s just at some local sports bar.

That’s not where you end up tonight, though. Your head is especially loud and you want some quiet. Need to get lost in something other than the potential mess you’re making of your life. When Jungkook suggests a club a friend of his owns, you say yes before he even finishes asking. The place is familiar to you and it’s perfect, in all its noise, low lighting, and crowded spaces. There’s no better way (at least as far as you know) of quieting your brain than going somewhere even louder.

It’s easy to get lost, several drinks in, as you press your back into Jungkook on the dance floor. The tight dress that seemed like such a good idea rides up your thighs now, with a little help from the light sheen of sweat covering your body and a little more help from Jungkook’s hands that grip you tightly.

Everything is familiar. You’ve been here before, to this exact club with Jungkook, more than once. And it’s the kind of easy you’re looking for now. As his hand inches further up your thigh, you press further back into him, looking to erase any space between the two of you. Tonight is just to forget and Jungkook is excellent at that.

Maybe if you were a little less drunk, you would stop his hand. You are in public, after all. As it is, you really don’t care. He likes to tease, gets off knowing someone may see, and you’re not in the mood to put a stop to it. Tonight, he seems even more daring than usual. He lets his thumb graze the thin layer of fabric at your core, likely feeling how much you want him. You shudder as his warm breath tickles your ear.

“There’s a storage closet in the back that might be unlocked,” he says, voice low with desire.

And that’s new because you’re certain that of all the times you’ve fucked Jungkook, none of them have been at the club. It’s been close, getting a little carried away under the table in one of the VIP booths, running his hand up your shirt on the dance floor, but you’ve never fucked him here. You’re also a little too tipsy to register that at the moment when all you want is him.

It’s too loud for you to answer him so you just squeeze his hand and nod. That’s all the permission he needs, anyway. Before you can give it a second thought, he’s pulling you off the dance floor and down a hallway. He looks around like he’s not completely sure where he’s going and then sees a door.

The door opens and you’re both in without another thought. Jungkook crowds your space, pressing you against the closed door and stealing your gasp with his lips on yours. Your hands find purchase in his slightly shaggy hair and one of his hands digs into your hip, holding you firmly in place. Like there’s anywhere else you would rather be in that moment.

From the moment his lips make contact with yours, you remember why you ignored your therapist and walked away from your relationship. It’s just a kiss, granted a pretty heated one, but still. It’s just a kiss and your whole body is alive in a way it hasn’t been since the last time you were with him. As he trails kisses across your jaw and down your neck, you can feel the heat he leaves behind with each touch.

Jungkook also never makes you feel self-conscious about the way your body responds to him. Not that your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, ever said anything about your moans, but he was also really quiet in bed. And you stopped reacting as much, because it wasn’t the best part of your relationship. Not that you want to be dwelling on that now. Not as Jungkook is working his way down your body, clearly just as turned on as you, eliciting soft moans as he goes.

When he drops to his knees in front of you, you think you may really be done for. He lifts one of your legs and rests it on his shoulder, your dress hiking up around your hips in the process. You lean back against the door for support as his tongue makes contact through the thin fabric. It’s another tease, a Jungkook specialty, and you find you don’t much care. Thankfully, he quickly moves the fabric to the side. The movements of his tongue, fast and slow and fast again, are perfect. Your brain goes blank, just the kind of blank you need. No thoughts except for his tongue on you and the bliss of it. Even the thud of the bass out in the club dulls to background noise. Every one of your senses is present in this moment in a way you haven’t been lately.

His movements quicken and you knot your hands in his hair both to find purchase and to let him know that you’re close. Not that it’s hard to tell by the increase in your moans. He knows what he’s doing and he knows that he’s got you on the edge. You want to tell him that you want to feel him inside you and can’t make yourself speak the words. A second later it doesn’t matter. He slides one finger in, then quickly adds another and your brain goes fuzzy.

He pushes you over the edge too fast, you want to savor more of this moment, more of him. You register that somewhere in your bliss coming down from the orgasm. You need more of him, more contact, more of whatever it is that makes your brain go quiet. You’re catching your breath and refocusing when you notice his pants down around his ankles. Did he get that hard just from getting you off? He’s already pulling a condom on and you’re almost relieved.

“You didn’t think I was done with you yet, did you?” His confidence drips off of him when he’s like this and you wish you were the kind of girl who had something witty to say back. You wish, at least now, that he didn’t affect you like this.

Instead, all you do is shake your head at him. You don’t trust yourself to speak and he doesn’t seem to mind. In one movement, he puts his hands on the back of your thighs and picks you up, still keeping you pressed against the door. The next second, he’s slowly sliding into you, letting you adjust. It’s the only break he gives you before setting a fast pace. Your legs tighten around him and your nails dig into his back. You’re sure they would leave a mark if he didn’t have a shirt on. Part of you hopes maybe they still will.

One of the best parts about Jungkook is that he doesn’t ever need to ask what you want, he just seems to know. He knows what you like and when you want something faster like this or when to take his time. It’s like he’s mapped your body with the way he’s able to hit just the right spots in just the right way.

Your head rolls back against the door, eyes closed and brain numb. Even then, he manages to bring you back to him, kissing up your neck until you meet his lips. The kiss is messy, capturing each of your moans as they escape. Jungkook’s grip on your thighs is as strong as the pace he’s setting and it isn’t long before you’re falling over the edge again.

A pleasant daze settles over you as you do your best to look presentable so that you can leave the club. (You don’t succeed and you definitely look just fucked, but the club is in full swing and the only people who might be able to tell are the poor workers that have to stay sober).

“Do you want to come back to my apartment?” Jungkook asks the question, one hand gripping yours while the other pulls up Uber on his phone to order a ride home.

And it’s kind of funny, how he asks like he doesn’t know the answer. In the time you’ve known him, Jungkook has been a lot of things, but he’s always been confident above all else. So it catches you off guard that he asks.

“As long as it’s okay with you,” you say and he smiles that easy smile.

“Of course,” he says.

You can’t really place the feeling that settles over you at such a small exchange, everything is crowded with the lingering effects of alcohol and sex. But something feels different and you think you like it. Almost like a part of you is waking up.

The next few weeks pass in somewhat of a blur. You’re happier than you can remember feeling in a while, much more fulfilled in all aspects of your life. Despite some reservations that your therapist has, you agree to start seeing her every other week unless something changes. You’re hoping to drop it back down to once a month but understand her hesitance to make such a big change so quickly. It would be a shame to ruin all that forward progress, after all.

Most of your free time is spent with Jungkook, a fact that your best friends are quick to point out with some version of the same cautionary advice. They want you to be careful, want you to remember your history with him, don’t want you to get ahead of yourself. It seems like they just don’t understand. Yeah, you and Jungkook have been here before, multiple times, but this is different and they just haven’t seen that.

Every other time led up to this. It took a relationship falling apart for you to realize that none of the other times with Jungkook were failures, they were just your “right person, wrong time” moments. Now the timing is right for both of you.

You knock on the door to his apartment, surprise take out in one hand, realizing belatedly that maybe you should have given him a warning of some sort. What if he was busy or had already eaten?

“Oh hey, what a nice surprise,” Jungkook answers with a smile as he steps aside to let you in.

Suddenly, you feel kind of silly for the momentary worry that showing up like this would be too much. Jungkook seems like he meets you at each point, so this shouldn’t be any different. It also helps that you’ve known each other for years and you know the way to his heart (through his stomach with only his favorite foods).

The whole thing feels surprisingly normal in a way you weren’t expecting. Jungkook makes small talk as he gets plates from the kitchen and sets them down for you to eat. He offers you a drink from the fridge, gets one for himself, and it’s just…easy. The whole thing with him is easy and you’re so thankful that you took this chance. As it turns out, he’s exactly what you need. Maybe he’s even the reason your last relationship ended the way it did. Not that you would ever say that. For all his outward strength and his image, Jungkook can be surprisingly sensitive. The last thing you’d want would be him feeling responsible for causing other people pain.

You’re not really sure why you do it, but you mention that your friends have a lot of warnings about the relationship. In what should be typical Jungkook fashion, he brushes it, reassures you that you know what’s happening and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what your friends think because you’re both happy and living in the moment. You smile at that. This is definitely the best kind of happy.

Once you’ve gotten plates of food, you settle down together and Jungkook pulls up Netflix. He’s got a whole list of movies and shows that you can pick from, all things he wants to see or thinks you’d like, he tells you. And that’s sweet, isn’t it? That he sees something on Netflix and saves it in case you want to watch it together. It makes your heart constrict a little bit. It doesn’t feel like something you do with someone who’s only casual. Surely his thinking about you, when you aren’t around, is a positive sign.

You sigh happily and let him decide what it is he wants to watch. Not that the two of you ever really finish anything. It’s the thought that counts though. And Jungkook seems to be thinking of you. For a second you wonder if this is just the list he’s created for anyone he has over, you haven’t talked about seeing other people. Until you realize that most of them are thrillers. It’s your favorite genre but probably not good for generally inviting girls over. You really need to stop second-guessing everything with him.

Another few weeks go by as easily as breathing and that small part of you that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop gets even quieter. You’re not even thinking that this feels different anymore because it is different. Instead of late-night (or really any odd hour of the day) texts, you’re making actual plans on when you’re going to see each other. It doesn’t feel like a fuck buddy, it feels like someone you’re moving along with in a different way. There’s a lightness to every space of your life now, a lightness that looks a lot like Jungkook.

Of all the things Jungkook is good at, and there’s a lot, because he’s hyper-competitive and doesn’t like losing, cooking is decidedly not one. That suits you just fine, though. Cooking is an absolute favorite of yours and cooking for someone you care about makes it all that much better. It had taken a little more convincing for Jungkook agree to you coming over and cook for him, he didn’t want to be a bother, but you were glad to be here now.

“I know this isn’t really what we do, but I have a family wedding to go to, for my cousin, and I was wondering if you’d come with me? It’s kind of last minute, I know. I just wasn’t expecting to have to go alone,” you say and Jungkook puts down his fork. You’re nervous again and you’re not quite sure why.

“Sure, why not?” Jungkook says easily.

“Really?” The question is out before you can stop it.

“I like spending time with you,” Jungkook says, “we have fun.”

“We do, yeah,” you agree. “It’s just…it’s like 2 hours away, so I got a room. And you’d obviously need a suit.”

“This may come as a surprise, but I have been to a wedding or two before, so I have plenty of suits. And what kind of idiot would I be to turn down an overnight date with you?” Jungkook is smiling as he says this and it puts you at ease.

“It’s in 2 weeks, which is really soon,” you say. Jungkook pulls out his phone.

“Friday or Saturday wedding?” He’s looking through his calendar to see what he’s got going on.

“Saturday,” you say and he puts his phone down.

“That’s fine, I’ve got something going on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday are all yours,” Jungkook says.

Easy. Everything is just easy. You weren’t even really thinking of asking him to come to the wedding when you decided to cook for him. It just seemed like the right timing to ask and your cousin had just texted you that afternoon asking if she should change the seating chart. Although she said it wasn’t a big deal, you know she’s secretly going to be relieved to not change anything.

Not planning things also really is your motto these days. You weren’t planning to stay over at Jungkook’s when you offered to cook. Yet you wake up in his bed the next morning all the same, like it was a foregone conclusion the second you stepped over the threshold.

You figure now that Jungkook is coming with you to a family wedding as your date, that your friends will get off of your back about him. And most of them do. It’s been over two months of seeing him, which makes it feel more stable. Mostly, they’re happy if you’re happy and know you’re enough of an adult to handle your own life. Most days, at least. It’s just one of your closest friends that’s holding out. Not that he doesn’t like Jungkook, because he does, he’s just also been friends with you since you were kids and he’s seen how this has gone.

“It’s different, Jimin,” you say for what feels like the hundredth time.

“Have you had The Talk?” He doesn’t put quotes around it, but you can hear them in his tone anyway.

“No, we haven’t had The Talk,” you say, matching his tone. “We’re both adults, like actual adults, I don’t think it’s necessary.”

“This time around with him started with you cheating on your ex,” Jimin says in a not-so-subtle reminder. If it were anyone else, you would leave.

“Thanks, I remember,” you bite back.

“I love you, you know that. I just want to make absolutely sure you’re not going to get hurt with this. I need to know he’s in this as much as you are,” Jimin says.

“Can you ever really know that?” The question seems valid enough.

“No, everything in relationships is a calculated risk. But it’s on you to make sure you have all the numbers before doing the calculations,” Jimin says.

“Meaning?” You think you know what he means, but it’s best to be sure.

“Meaning,” Jimin says with faux exasperation, “that the talk will let you know where he stands and allow you to be on the same page. He could lie, but then that’s on him if you get hurt. If you get hurt now, when you haven’t had the talk, that’s on you.”

“Little harsh, Jiminie,” you say, using the nickname to try and soften him.

It doesn’t work and he just shrugs. “We’ve done this song and dance a few times, maybe too many times. I just don’t want to see this end badly.”

“Then have a little faith, he is coming to a family wedding,” you say.

“And some of the way the conversation went makes me a little uneasy,” Jimin admits.

“Just have some faith. This time is different, I can feel it,” you say.

There’s a lot more than Jimin wants to say, a lot more he wants you to hear. But he’s also known you for years and seen you through every one of the Jungkook phases. People change all the time, he knows that. As people grow, the things they want or need evolve. Until you have an actual chat with him, though, Jimin is not ready to say this time will be different. It’s silly because he also knows that you’re going to do what you want, you always have. Not in a bad way, you’re just very stubborn when it comes to listening to advice. All he can do is hope for the best and be there if you need a shoulder. He tries not to think when you need a shoulder. As much as he likes being right, he likes you a whole lot more and he wants this to work.

The wedding goes well, great even. Jungkook is a hot topic of conversation, with a number of your family members gushing over how attractive he is and how good you look together. It gives you a small amount of pride to hear it too, even if it shouldn’t. It’s also good to have someone to retreat to when your family gets overwhelming. The added benefit of them not knowing him is that you both can slip out of conversations much easier. He’s never met anyone in your family and they don’t have as many questions for him. You also did an excellent job of establishing that you and him are very early on in the relationship, so questions about getting more serious are off the table.

Staying in a hotel with Jungkook is also a much better experience than you thought. You’ve stayed at each other’s places countless times over the years, but you’ve never gone away somewhere together. Even though it’s only a few hours from home, everything feels different. Everything feels more intimate. And there’s something to be said for hotel sex too. Everything is new and more exciting.

You reach out to Jimin the day after you get back to let him know how things went. And you’re a little surprised by his response. Instead of being excited for you that it’s going so well, he asks again if you’ve talked to Jungkook about where you are and where you’re going. It’s kind of a buzzkill and you’re quick to tell him so. But Jimin is stubborn too.

Jimin: I love you, you’re my best friend in the entire world, but I’m scared you’re going to end up hurt Jimin: I’ll be here to celebrate once you talk to him and I’ll say sorry when it’s all cleared up, but until then, I can’t fully support it

That hurts. It’s like he doesn’t realize that in not wanting Jungkook to hurt you, he’s hurting you instead. You shake that thought off as quickly as it comes, though. It’s not his intention to hurt you and somewhere deep down, you know he’s making sense. Jimin has been your go-to person for everything in your life since a matter of months into the friendship. The two of you were able to click in a way you haven’t really experienced with anyone else. So yeah, maybe, on some level, you get where he’s coming from and maybe you’ll understand later. Not right now, though. Right now you’re just hurt and a little angry at your best friend for not supporting you the way you want him to.

(Jimin, to his credit, does think he’s supporting you. It may not be in the way you want him to and you may not see it, but it’s the way he needs to support you. There’s a moment where he thinks that he’s the friend you deserve, just not the one you need right now. So he’ll let you be mad at him as long as you need to. Or maybe he’s been watching Dark Knight too much lately.)

This is where you know you’re not always the best at being an adult. Whether Jimin is right or not becomes irrelevant because you’re more concerned with not letting him win. It’s like he tells you something and you have to do the opposite, just because. Which, really, that’s probably something you need to address in therapy. It’s probably not a healthy approach, but it’s where you’re at for now.

Things feel…a little different. Not good different, either. At first, you were positive that it was just the lingering effects of Jimin being Jimin. Even when he’s not speaking to you, since this is not the first time he’s done this, he’s very loud. But days go by and the pit in your stomach only gets deeper. You can’t separate your own thoughts and anxieties to see if anything with Jungkook is actually different.

When you stop to think about it, though, everything with Jungkook should be different. It’s been around three months now. Three months of you spending a truly absurd amount of time together. Three months of movie nights in, dinners out, random trips to the park. Three months of ending up in each other’s bed every time you went over. Three months of you not seeing anyone else. Was he seeing other people, though? Surely not. Would there really even be time?

But…

That nasty word coming up to haunt you again. But, could you really make any assumptions where another person was involved? After all, your ex had no reason to think anything was wrong with you, no reason to think the relationship was coming to a screeching halt. Yet, it did. It did because you stopped talking to him. Well, you didn’t stop talking to him, you said a lot of words. You just didn’t say any of the ones that actually mattered.

It’s impossible to keep the last conversation with Jimin off your mind. You will never tell him he was right, but you’re also constantly wondering if it’s time for that talk. Lately it’s been taking Jungkook longer to do everything. Longer to text you back, longer in between seeing each other, longer to come out of his phone if he checks it while you’re hanging out (something he never used to do).

And, okay, from the outside, you know how any of those things look. It’s just, you’re still really happy and you’re not really looking to give that up. You think that maybe what’s best, for now, is just to take a slight step back, not be the one to reach out to him and make plans. Either he’ll make plans with you or you will have the final push to have a conversation you should have had weeks ago. (Really, you should’ve had this conversation before you blew up your life, but who’s counting?)

Jungkook: hey, things have been kinda crazy with work, but can i see you tonight?

Which answers that, doesn’t it? You ignore your smarter thoughts, most of which are driven by Jimin’s words playing on repeat, and answer quicker than you should. Even though you offer to stop on your way to pick food up, Jungkook says he’s already picking something up and to just meet him at the apartment.

It’s all different now. Before, when things were only happy, you’d be excited that he knew you well enough to pick up takeaway for the both of you. Now, you wonder if he really has been busy with work. There’s something about the text that implies something’s shifted. You hate it and you want to just go back to before. Maybe tonight will be the perfect chance for that.

It’s not.

The silences are awkward and what’s worse is that you can’t tell if Jungkook feels awkward about it as well, or if it’s just you. Actually, what’s worse is you don’t know which you’d prefer. Then there’s this weird space between you while you’re watching a movie. It’s like you’re not really close enough to cuddle and you’re not really far enough away for it to be a normal, friend-sized space between you. It’s just this awkward limbo and you’re trying really hard not to overthink the space being a metaphor for where the two of you are in this weird relationship.

Jungkook is on his phone a lot throughout the movie too, which only worsens the way you feel. He says he’s still got a lot going on at work, that they’re in very real danger of missing deadlines and he’s so sorry. The rational part of you really wants to let it be that. The louder part of you, the one you know is irrational, can’t leave it alone. At least internally. You know you can’t say anything out loud and have it come across right. Your internal monologue is another story, though.

But, that’s the thing, isn’t it? You made a lot of assumptions about where you were with Jungkook, about what the two of you were doing, about it being a relationship. The reality is you’ve been fucking regularly for months now and haven’t bothered to define things. It was perfect at the beginning, when Jungkook insisted that the two of you knew what was happening and what other people thought didn’t matter. It made you feel like it was you against everyone else. Which should’ve been a clue. A relationship should never put you against the people outside of it. A healthy relationship should be able to integrate into your regular life.

You don’t stay over at his place that night. Jungkook offers and even makes it seem like he wants you to. You might even believe him if he didn’t mention getting up early for work and checking his phone. That annoying voice in the back of your head is shouting danger, danger, danger. The ugly thoughts wonder if he actually wants you to stay at all or if he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy for sending you home.

He gives you a kiss in the doorway and you’re on your way out. The last little bit of positivity in the back of your mind is hoping he’ll change his mind, that he’ll come rushing out and say he’s been stupid. Of course he wants you to stay and of course it’s worth it being tired at work tomorrow because he’s missed you, things have been off, and he wants to make sure he fixes them.

But, he doesn’t do any of those things. The doubts firmly take hold of your brain.

The next day, you’re still thinking over what you want to do when you get an unexpected text from him. He’s got a function after work, the kind of thing where you have to go to a bar and pretend you want to be socializing with coworkers off the clock, but it’s okay because the boss usually buys a few rounds. It’s the kind of thing someone might ask their partner to come to, so they’re not so bored.

Jungkook’s message is clear. He wants to see you. After he’s done with the work function, which he warns might not be until later. So he understands if it’s too late for you to come over since it is still during the week and you have to work tomorrow. He seems genuinely excited when you say you’ll definitely still come over and your heart constricts for a second.

You need to set your phone aside, just for a second, just long enough to let your heart settle back down, because you’ve made up your mind. It’s time (past time, honestly) that you have a real conversation with Jungkook. This last exchange proves it. You’re back to being the girl he calls up after a night out at the bar, the booty call for sex. Admittedly, it is the best sex you’ve ever had, but that’s not the point. For a bit, you were the girl that he made plans with. And, yeah, he’s asking you before he goes to the bar if you’ll be there after. But, the fact is, it’s still same day and it’s not really anything more than a hook-up text.

The text from Jungkook letting you know he’s heading home comes and you take a couple shots to give yourself the confidence to go through with The Talk. You weren’t planning on driving anyway. No matter how this goes, you’re not planning to head home afterwards so having your car seems more inconvenient than anything.

Apparently, Jungkook only beats you there by a few minutes, which might’ve bothered you in any other situation. The way he says it sounds accusatory in your mind. All you can see now is talking before you lose the little bit of liquid courage you have.

“Do you want to watch a movie or do you just want to…” Jungkook asks, trailing off suggestively.

That pit in the bottom of your stomach worsens. The unfinished question hangs between you like a glaring sign saying he just wants to fuck you. It all just feels really cheap and like another waste of your time. Just another in a long line of mistakes. Only one way to find out, though, and so you take a deep breath and dive in.

“Actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you,” you say and that brings him up short.

“About what?” Jungkook asks.

He seems defensive. It’s all wrong. Something in you had been holding out hope that this would go exactly the way you wanted it to. That hope gets harder to hold onto.

“Just…this, us,” you say, hating how you sound so unsure.

“Us?” Jungkook asks and somehow that makes you angrier. Is he being fucking stupid on purpose?

“Yeah, Jungkook, us,” you say with more bite than you intended. “We’ve been doing this dance for, what, like 3 or 4 months? What are we doing, exactly?”

Jungkook’s confused. He gets this look on his face sometimes, like he’s trying to work out a really complex calculus problem and just can’t make things make sense. It makes him look younger, more innocent. It makes you want to protect him. But you can’t afford to think that way, and he doesn’t need to be protected.

“We’re just, I don’t know, we’re hanging out. We’ve been having fun, you know, everything is just easy, which is nice,” Jungkook says.

“Just hanging out and having fun? What, are we back in college?” Your voice raises an octave because, despite all your planning, you really aren’t ready for this.

“I’m not really sure what’s happening here,” Jungkook admits.

“I’m just confused,” you admit in return. “Like we’re always together, we go out on dates. You came with me to a family wedding for fuck’s sake.”

“Yeah, because I like hanging out with you and the wedding seemed important to you,” Jungkook says.

“It was important but still, what is this?”

Jungkook really still looks helpless and you’re constantly reminding yourself not to take care of him. It’s not what either of you needs. “Why does it have to be something defined? Why does there have to be this big deal?”

“Because we’re grown now, because I can’t keep blowing up my life for…” you start, but cut yourself off, quickly closing your mouth again.

“No, blowing your life up for what? For me?” Jungkook asks and you look away, unable to see him looking at you like that. “I never asked you to blow up your life for me.”

“You didn’t exactly turn me away that night either. You knew I was in a relationship,” you say and he scoffs.

“Yeah, I did know. But last time I checked, it’s not my responsibility to make sure you don’t cheat on your partner. I wasn’t the one in a relationship,” Jungkook says.

“No, because you’re never in a relationship, you’re always just having fun,” you say, voice dripping with disdain.

“And what’s so wrong with that? I’ve never been anything but honest about exactly who I am and what I want,” Jungkook says.

“People change all the time! Excuse me for thinking you’d grow the fuck up and realize actually being with someone isn’t that bad,” you say and Jungkook rolls his eyes again.

“What do you think I’ve been doing? I know being with someone isn’t bad. We’ve been having a great time for months until whatever the fuck this is,” Jungkook says.

“And how many other girls have you been having a good time with at the same time?” The question is out before you can even figure out if you want to ask it.

Opposite you, Jungkook rolls his lips together, like he’s trying to give himself a minute before answering. He can have a short temper at times.

“I’m not really sure why the answer to that question matters,” Jungkook says and you shake your head.

“I should’ve known,” you say.

“None though, for the record. Like I told you, I’ve been busy at work. So, I’m either there, working out, playing video games, or with you,” he says and you come up short.

“What?”

“Don’t take that the wrong way,” Jungkook says quickly. “I haven’t fucked anyone else in months, and I haven’t wanted to either. I’ve been having a great time with you. But, that also doesn’t mean this is something more than it is.”

“Meaning?” The balloon of hope pops just as quickly as it formed and you’re feeling even worse than before.

“Meaning,” Jungkook starts. “I don’t want…this. I don’t want to be fighting with you about some bullshit definition of what we are or where we’re headed. I like you, I do. But my answers to those still haven’t changed from the first time we hooked up 7 years ago. I don’t want that super committed relationship with expectations and check-ins and eventually marriage. I don’t want a house and kids and a white picket fence so the dog doesn’t get out.”

“You make it sound like a death sentence,” you say, completely deflated.

“I don’t mean to, it’s just not for me. It’s not what I’ve ever wanted and I’ve never kept that a secret,” Jungkook says. “I mean, I don’t know, maybe it is like a death sentence for me.”

“It feels like a slap in the face,” you admit and Jungkook bristles at that.

“Why? Because I don’t want the same things as you?”

You struggle to find the right words because that’s not what you meant. “Because you must have known it’s what I wanted and yet we still kept going.”

“I guess I figured you heard me when I said, over and over again, that it wasn’t what I wanted,” Jungkook says. “I figured you heard me and you could make your decisions on what you wanted.”

“It just seemed like…” you start and frown. “We’re always together, it felt like more.”

“So you just assumed that it was something more without even asking me about it?” Jungkook asks and gets a glare in response.

“Okay, that’s a little extreme,” you say.

“Is it? I can see it. You’re mad at me, which I get, kind of,” Jungkook admits. “But also, I don’t get it? Because none of this had to happen. If you’d talked to me instead of building it all up in your head…”

“Wow, that was kind of a dick move,” you retort and he shakes his head.

“Or is it a dick move to create a whole relationship in your head and then make me the bad guy for not being on the same page?”

That brings you up short again. Does he have a point? Is that what you’ve been doing all this time?

“I do actually care about you,” Jungkook says. “I know that may be hard to believe, but I do. It’s also really fucked up to create a whole world in your head and then turn me into the bad guy for not being on the same page. I always said we were having fun, that it didn’t matter what friends thought, that we’re just going a day at a time.”

“Because you knew, Jungkook, you had to,” you say. He furrows his eyebrows at you. “You’ve always said things like that and for what? What reason do you have to constantly remind me what this is if you don’t think there’s confusion?”

“Once again, it is not my job to force a conversation you may want to have. Weren’t you just saying we’re not still in college? That goes both ways,” Jungkook says.

Round and round and round in circles you and Jungkook go. You’re mad at him for something that he may not even be able to control, something that you’ve always known about him. And you’re mad that he’s known you probably weren’t on the same page for a while. He’s mad that you’ve had so many of these conversations in your head or with friends without cluing him in. He’s mad that he feels like the bad guy.

The whole fight feels pointless, honestly. You both are mad at the other and maybe you both have a reason to be annoyed. Maybe he has a point and maybe you need to take a step back to examine some of the decisions that you’ve made too. Maybe he’s not the only one bringing this house of cards crashing to the floor.

And maybe that’s not something you want to deal with tonight.

The rational part of your brain knows you should leave and call an Uber straight to Jimin’s apartment. That same part knows that even if he has someone over, he’ll drop everything to make sure you’re okay. He won’t even start the I told you so until tomorrow. Because Jimin can be a giant pain in the ass when he wants to, but he’s got the biggest heart in the world. Going to Jimin’s is absolutely the right decision.

That’s why you call an Uber and head to the bar.

After a few drinks, the empty seat next to you is taken by a stranger with fluffy hair and an easy smile. Despite your protests, he takes over your tab so that you can keep drinking. It’s a bad idea, you know it’s a bad idea, and you don’t really care. You don’t really have any room for good ideas right now.

For his part, he actually seems like a decent guy, if you were sober and present enough to notice. He tells you his name, his job, about his friends. You think he even mentions movies he likes. Nothing about it feels like the normal situation at a bar. Then again, it’s a Wednesday night, not exactly prime time to be out picking someone up.

The next morning, you wake up in a too bright room in an unfamiliar bed and immediately start piecing things together. The conversation with Jungkook and your subsequent decision to get completely shit-faced come rushing back. A sense of shame washes over you. This is the part where some attractive guy, usually one you somehow know, walks into the bedroom, maybe wearing just a towel, and you realize what you did.

Except this isn’t a movie, thankfully, and somehow you’re actually clothed in the bed. You’re in an oversized t-shirt and gym shorts, but you also still have your bra and underwear on. Likely a sign that nothing happened beyond you getting embarrassingly drunk last night. Actually, looking around the room, it looks more like a guest bedroom than the master. Did you actually manage to find a decent guy when you were hellbent on making bad decisions?

You aren’t really in the mood to figure any of it out. Your clothes are folded up beside the bed and, when you get up, you hear the shower running. It’s the perfect time to leave without having to have an awkward conversation. And since you were at your quota for those, you grab your phone from beside the table and slip out, thankfully unseen.

First up, your text thread with Jimin. Which is a mistake, of course you had texted him and of course it was barely coherent. But bless Jimin, honestly, because you see he had taken care of calling you out of work. Actually, bless him for having all your passwords and being able to sign into your email to send the message. You know part of him calling you out is also so that he can carry out his Jimin-approved therapy, but you’ll take it. You’ll even take him telling you he was right.

In a slightly uncharacteristic move, Jimin is waiting outside your door when the Uber drops you off. He’s already been shopping for the essentials and he’s got his arms open for you to collapse into him before even crossing the threshold into the apartment. There’s nothing on his face except for care and concern, which really isn’t surprising. His beating you to your own apartment may be surprising, but him being the best friend you’ve ever had isn’t.

Everything kind of pours out of you at once when you and Jimin sit down on your couch, the tears, the self-loathing, the anger, the confusion, the pain. So much pain. Pain over your ex, pain over Jungkook, pain over past shit that you really thought you were over. It’s like the past months with Jungkook were just a bandaid, putting off the day you would eventually feel everything. There’s no putting it off anymore though. Now you’re in it and you’re so thankful for a friend like Jimin to hold your hand.

He’s surprisingly quiet throughout the whole thing. He listens to your thoughts, comforts you during the gaps in speaking, makes sure you have snacks and something to drink, keeps music playing quietly in the background because he knows you hate the silence. He asks questions that are gentle, nothing too heavy or accusatory. The only time he gets firm is when you cry about not deserving a friend like him.

“Yeah, you can be an asshole sometimes, but don’t ever let me catch you talking that way about yourself,” Jimin says, unmoving. “You’re human and we all make mistakes. We learn and we move forward. I won’t let you be mean to yourself, though. That’s what you don’t deserve.”

Once you feel like you’ve said everything that you could possibly say, Jimin informs you that you’re taking tomorrow off as well and that he’ll be staying over. Just like when you were in college. The order for the night was trashy TV and junk food and no wine for you because you’re still hungover and no talking about feelings at all. You can pick all that up again tomorrow, but tonight is about giving your brain a break.

It takes much longer than you expect to really come to terms with what happened between you and Jungkook. You haven’t seen him since you walked out the door. In fact, you hadn’t even texted him until reaching out yesterday to see if he was willing to meet up. It wasn’t to work through things, though, as much as it was for you to heal. And hopefully for him to heal as well.

The past few months have been some of the scariest and most rewarding of your life. You’ve never really been alone, separate from a partner. You’ve gone from one relationship to the next for as long as you could remember and ignored anyone suggesting to take time nearly as long. The fight with Jungkook had been a wake-up call, an unwelcome one at the time, but one that you can now see the value in. It forced you to really look at yourself, at your choices, at everything that led you to that moment, to learn what you actually wanted.

And you don’t really know what you want, but you think it’s somewhere between your ex and Jungkook. Yes, you want something stable and comfortable, someone that you know and that you can rely on. At the same time, you want someone that will challenge you, excite you, keep you on your toes. It was unfair of you to put all that onto Jungkook. Whatever mistakes he may have also made, you want to own yours. Part of you knew that he was never going to be what you needed him to be and rushed forward head first anyway.

Everything led you to this point now, where you wait for Jungkook to show up. He had replied quicker than you expected and seemed happy to meet, despite you being clear on needing to talk to him. Maybe there were things he needed to say too.

The tinkling of the bell over the door catches your attention and you watch Jungkook walk through the doors, somehow exactly the same. It’s only been a few months, you remind yourself, not like he could change entirely.

The next part feels awkward, how do you greet him? You stand, considering what to do, when he saves you the trouble and goes in to give you a quick hug. Nothing too serious and also nothing too formal.

“Thanks for meeting me,” you say and he smiles.

“Of course,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about everything that happened too, honestly, so it felt like a good time.”

And just like that, it’s easy to talk. Really talk. Jungkook lets you go first and you lay out everything you’ve learned over the past couple months. He lets you make your apologies and makes his own. You’re able to take ownership of the mistakes you make, because you really understand them after months working through your shit, and feel like he’s forgiven you for how you handled things. You know that you can never fully expect to get closure in life, but this feels close. It feels like you can actually close the door on a chapter to move forward.

Apparently he’s been doing a lot of work on himself too. He admits to knowing that you were in deeper than he was and letting it go on anyway, something he’s not proud of and something he hopes you’ll forgive. He’s not there yet but he’s working on better communication, letting partners know what he can give and what he can’t. He’s trying to figure out what it is he actually wants and what he doesn’t. Even though you don’t need him to say it, he also wants you to know that, as cliche as it sounds, it wasn’t you. Not entirely at least. He got so caught up in how good the physical side of things was that he didn’t consider how you were both hurting each other.

Neither one of you is really sure how to leave things. Part of you, and you can see part of him too, wants to ask if there’s a way to move forward as friends. He’s been part of your life on and off for the past 7 years, since meeting when you were only 18 years old. You take the plunge, though, and say that he’s always going to have a place in your heart. You’re just not sure he can have a place in your life, at least not now. There’s a moment of relief on his face. Like he’s happy you were the one to make the call because he isn’t sure he could. He really does have a lot of work to do, he says.

“Do you know him?” Jungkook asks as the conversation is naturally winding down.

You turn your head to follow his eyes on a man wearing dress pants and a nice shirt. He seems caught up in whatever he’s reading on his laptop, slightly shaggy hair slipping into his eyes. You’re about to say no when he looks up and meets your eyes. There’s something…familiar about him. Like you know him from somewhere that you’ve forgotten. Almost like the memory is hazy and you can’t fully grasp it. He smiles, a really nice smile, and then looks back down at his laptop.

“I don’t think so,” you finally answer.

“He keeps looking over here,” Jungkook comments. You look for any sign of anything negative on his face, but it isn’t there.

“Yeah, I don’t know, if I do know him, I can’t figure out from where,” you admit.

“Maybe you should say hi,” he says and you just smile.

“With you here?” you ask.

Jungkook smiles with a shake of his head. He’s standing up the next second. “I actually have to go to an appointment with my therapist.”

“I’m proud of you,” you say and stand as well to give him another hug. Slightly less awkward this time.

“I’m proud of you too, proud of us, really,” he says.

“Take care, Jungkook,” you say.

“You too,” he answers with a smile.

Just like that, he’s heading out the door. He looks back once to smile at you and you wave. You’re wondering if that’s the last time you’ll see him. Maybe it is and maybe that’s exactly how it should be. Things feel better now, easier. There’s no lingering doubts and even though you know you still have a ways to go, you think that you can really do it this time.

But before you can retreat further into your own head, a voice breaks through your thoughts.

“This seat still taken?”

You look up to find the man that Jungkook asked about moments earlier and that’s when it clicks. Yes, you do know him and you finally remember from where. The world certainly works in mysterious ways.

i hope you liked it, it was definitely a ride writing it <3

#jungkook x reader #jungkook smut #kvanity #bangtantheatrenet #jungkook angst #jungkook x you #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook imagine #jungkook scenarios #bts fic #bts smut #bts x reader #bts x you #bts scenarios #bts imagines

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the-banana-0verlord · 6 months

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how are you ? hii ^^, I would like to request for the third year boys I think they are rook, leona, vile, malleus, lilia and trey well with a fem mc who is very bad at studies because she had never attended a school before so this is her Taking classes for the first time and taking exams, that's why she works hard even though she failed several times, she never gives up~ one of her favorite phrases is "if I fail 99 times, I'll continue once more, maybe the 100th will be the winner" hehe <33

again, i apologize for the request taking so long 😅

How the third years would react to a Reader who is bad at studies

Notes: Gn reader, i totally forgot idia existed 💀 Either that or it was a conscious decision.

🦁🦁🦁

🦁Leona Kingscholar 🦁

🦁Studies were never a problem for him. He always passed his exams with flying scores without even trying. 🦁So since everything came to him so naturally, it was hard for him to imagine someone not having the same easyness as he did. 🦁You were at the opposite ends of the spectrum: He didn't care about school yet excelled at it, while you were still optimistic when your scores barely passed the passing note. 🦁You made him care again. He helped you with your studies and you got progressively better. 🦁And it's not just your studies who got better, his also. Because of you, he put effort in what he had to do. Under all his grumpiness, he thanks you for it.

👑👑👑

👑Vil Schoenheit👑

👑Sure, you weren't all that good, but you tried, and in Vil's book, that's more than anyone could do. 👑Also, he's not one to pass the opportunity to help someone become their best selves. 👑So he helps you. The time passed with you is enjoyable thanks to your cheerful personnality. 👑He also enjoys teaching you. Why don't you come around to Pomefiore so he can teach you makeup?

♦♦♦

♦Cater Diamond ♦

♦Of course he'll help you, that's what an upperclassman does! ♦But to be truly honest, most of the "study times" are just you hanging out. ♦But when you actually study, he's not half-bad as a tutor. ♦He's not the best, but at least you can see your grades get a little better.

🏹🏹🏹

🏹Rook Hunt 🏹

🏹What wonderful ardor and persistance you have! Oh, how it makes his heart flutter! 🏹A hunt for a good grade is a hunt all the same, and you have the qualities of the best huntsman. 🏹You never seem to catch your prey, though, so he'll just ahve to give you un coup de pouce. 🏹Not all minds work the same, so maybe yours just works differently than the norm of teachings. 🏹You'll be studying school and he'll be studying you.

♣♣♣

♣Trey Clover ♣

♣He's pretty used to tutoring since the underclassmen in his dorm usually go to him for help or advice. ♣He was willing to help from the start, but your positive attitude motivated him more than the complains of the others he tutored spouted every second. ♣He's in the science club, so that's covered, and cooking always help with mathematics. ♣Yeah perfect teacher 10/10.

🐲🐲🐲

🐲Malleus Draconia 🐲

🐲You're asking him, Malleus Draconia, to help you study? 🐲He should be offended, but he finds it so intriguing and amusing he'll indulge you accept your request. 🐲I mean, there is no one better to learn from than from the best.(He's a very terrible teacher though) 🐲Your positive attitude is also refreshing from the gloomy and terrified faces of his daily life.

🦇🦇🦇

🦇Lilia Vanrouge 🦇

🦇Don't ask him for potion making, but he'll be perfect for teaching history. After all, he was there when it happened. 🦇...Except he wasn't. When XXX thing went down, he was hammered with his friend Jerry on the other side of the continent. 🦇He's still kinda helpful with the big lines, but don't really expect much. 🦇That or he'll put you through Silver and Sebek's training regiment. Don't know which is worse.

***

Hope you enjoyed!

Have a good day/night!

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #leona kingscholar #leona kingscholar x reader #vil schoenheit x reader #vil schoenheit #cater diamond #cater diamond x reader #rook hunt #rook hunt x reader #trey clover #trey clover x reader #malleus draconia #malleus draconia x reader #lilia vanrouge #lilia vanrouge x reader #bananawrites

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universallychaoticpan · 10 months

Note

Hi! Hello! Can I request separate for Fyodor and Dazai where the newbies (cough Sigma cough Atsushi) had a crush on their s/o's but they deny it WHILE BLUSHING RED, and insist that they just admire and inspire to be strong like s/o (Even thou s/o is on a very different league compare to them)

I'm so sorry I like vanished for a sec- I've been taking a break from some things but I'm back!! Anyway I was so excited to write this- always so fun to write some cute crushes.

It wasn't like Atsushi had never had crushes before- there had been some cute girls over the years, definitely. I mean he couldn't name them off the top of his head, but he'd definitely had crushes.

Yeah those were nothing compared to you.

When he had joined the Agency, he had taken notice of you- Dazai's pretty significant other who was smart and sharp as a knife. You were sweet and kind, compassionate in a way he was unused to, and always ready to match Dazai in whatever wild scheme he had cooked up for the day.

Now Dazai wasn't an idiot- far from it, he was incredibly intelligent. You two had been together for a couple years when Atsushi had shown up, and when he noticed Atsushi's budding crush on you, he had teased you to no end. Truth be told, Dazai found it funny. And one day, he cornered Atsushi in the empty office, a wicked smile on his face.

"Atsushi," he called, his voice taking on a singsong lilt that made the white haired boy wary of what was coming next.

He poked his head around the corner, looking at Dazai laying on his couch. "What is it?"

Dazai beckoned. "Come here, would you? I've got a little question."

Atsushi walked forward nervously. "Yes sir?"

"Y/n," Dazai said. "What do you think of them? Honestly?"

Atsushi sputtered, stammering before trying to cover up his reaction. "Y/n? They're uh- they're nice! Really...really nice."

Dazai's smile widened. "You think so? And what about their appearence? What do you think of that?"

Atsushi wanted the Earth to swallow him whole right then and there.

"I mean they're attractive, I guess? They have a good smile...and pretty eyes...and their smile is-" He cut himself off when he saw Dazai's smirk. "I mean you asked! And anyone would say that about them it doesn't mean anything and honestly I just see them as a mentor- I mean they're so powerful and smart who wouldn't want to be like them right like everyone likes them-"

"Atsushi, you can stop answering this dumbass's questions."

Atsushi stopped his rambling cold, freezing in panic as he slowly turned around. And there you stood in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe as Dazai died of laughter on the sofa.

Crap. You had definitely heard everything.

Now. Sigma was a comparably logical person. It wasn't often his emotions got the better of him- one didn't make it into the Decay of Angels by letting things like emotions control them, or how they made decisions. He had always been that way; he got things done, and while he wasn't unkind, he was simply matter of fact. He'd been called blunt more times than he could remember, but he didn't mind. He was who he was- nothing changed that.

And then, of course, you had come along.

He knew who you were; he made it his business to know things. Fyodor's partner and largely considered the second in command in the Decay of Angels. Dangerous, stunning, and deadly cunning- how could he not know who you were.

And suddenly, he was getting distracted all the time. He was giving the wrong orders, daydreaming while on duty, dealing the wrong hands- it was terrible. He would be working and suddenly the thought of your pretty smile would pop into his mind. He would be trying to sleep and he would think of how you pulled the wildest stunts at times just to entertain yourself.

Worst of all? He knew Fyodor noticed. Smart people did not get on Fyodor's bad side- smart people didn't antagonize him and they most definitely did not have crushes on his significant other.

So he rationalized. It wasn't a crush- he just admired you is all. And who wouldn't? You were a top member in one of the most feared organizations in the world. You were smarter than most people could conceive, and to top it all off, you were extremely strong. Yeah, that was all. He just really really admired you. That's what he told himself when he caught himself staring, or when he realized he'd been thinking about you during work again.

Not a crush.

Definitely not.

#sigma x reader #atsushi x reader #bsd x reader #atsushi nakajima x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader

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spoonsock · 9 months

Text

Starbucks love

Gwen Stacy x reader

Synopsis: Ever wondered what would the one and only Spider Gwen order from Starbucks? Me neither but take this anyway.

Warnings: Idk none I think. Not proofread. Writing this at 2am no joke what is wrong with me. Also DUDE. This is kinda similar to Intruder like wtf am I really that not creative. 😭

Also, fun fact, I’ve never been to Starbucks so if I got something wrong pls lemme know.

You didn’t really mind having a part time job at Starbucks. It wasn’t that bad. All you had to do was take orders, make them, write names on cups with your best handwriting. Sometimes kick customers out. Sometimes maybe serve Spider-woman.

Yup that’s right. It all started yesterday.

It was supposed to be a normal day. You clocked in early and mentally prepared yourself for what awaits you ‘cause you never know what might happen. God, what a good decision it was to say a few positive words before the day started.

Around 10 AM, the shop is not even that filled with people yet, three guys barge in, all of them with a gun in their hands. One of them points the gun at you and then at the register, while the other two guys walk around the people sitting at their tables.

“You empty that thing right now or Imma blow your brains out”. The guy says pointing a gun at your face and you freeze. You don’t move an inch, just stare right at him. Your eyes are not wide, you are not hyperventilating or anything. You are panicking, but not showing any signs of it.

The more you stare at the guy, the more impatient he grows. “What are you? Deaf? I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t take the damn money out this fucking moment”.

As soon as he finishes his sentence, the door of the shop slams open and (literally) twirling in comes, the one and only, Spider-woman. The armed men immediately turn to her and point their guns, but she slouches and puts her hands on her hips, looking at them unfazed.

“Seriously, you guys aren’t gonna make this easy for me, are you?”, Gwen asks and receives no answer. “…Alright then”

Before you can even blink, she hits one of the guys in the face, grabbing his gun and throwing it at the other guy. You watch as the the third guy tries to throw a punch at her face but narrowly misses and she succeeds to grab his arm and twist it, before kicking him in the stomach. She easily webs all three of the unconscious men up and the people from the shop clap. She bows jokingly and makes her way over to you.

“Hey, you okay? They didn’t take any money, did they?”, she asks but you are unable to answer. When the masked guy pointed the gun at your face, it triggered something in you. Pushed an “off” button in your brain and turned everything into blurry stop-motion pictures.

For the record, you’ve never been held at gunpoint. Well, until that day, but you hoped it was the first and last time. You didn’t know why it caused you to act like that. To just freeze and zone out. I mean any normal person would start sweating and fearing for their life, visibly shaking or something but you? It turned you off.

Whatever. Whatever it was, you zoned back into reality when you saw a white hand move in front of your face.

“Helloooo? Earth to..”, Gwen stopped and squinted to read from your name tag. “Y/N? Earth to Y/N! You there?”

You quickly took in your surroundings before pulling yourself together and nodding. “Yeah yeah, I’m. I’m fine. Everything is fine. Thank you. For helping. And for asking. I’m fine”, you stumbled across your words and even behind her mask, you could see Spider-woman hesitantly furrowing her brows at you. She didn’t believe you, obviously. You were a terrible liar.

“Riiiighht, well I’m gonna go then”, she stretched out her words before slowly turning around, picking the masked, armed guys off of the floor and exiting the shop.

Honestly, you thought that was going to be your last encounter, but oh boy, you were wrong.

Because she came back in the very next day.

“Oh, hello?”

“Hi”

“I didn’t really see any thieves or villains in our shop today, but uh, how may I help you?”, you ask, unsure of what was she here for, kinda scared that something bad might happen soon and she’s just there to try to prevent it.

“Uhhh actually I came to see you. A-and to get a vanilla latte. And a chocolate chip cookie. But I’m mostly here to see you”, you felt your cheeks heat up at her words. The famous friendly neighbourhood superhero, Spider-woman, came in Starbucks in which you worked just to see you. Strange.

“Um. Okay.”, you didn’t really know what to say to that. What do you even say in a situation like that??

“Soo, hi. Are you okay? You uh didn’t really look the best yesterday? I-I mean you can’t really look the best after being held at gunpoint anyway. Not that you look bad! You don’t! It’s just that, it must have been traumatic, obviously. Not just for you, I guess for everyone in the shop but-“

“I’m okay”, you decided to stop her rambling. “Thanks for checking”, you gave her a shy smile and she smiled back, you guess, but didn’t say anything. You two just stood there, in comfortable silence, until someone coughed behind the masked superhero and tapped their foot on the ground impatiently.

“O-oh um you uh are you going to order orrrrr….?”, you asked, remembering suddenly that you were at work. Where you are supposed to do your work.

“Oh ah yeah I-I’ll have uuuuuuuuhhh a short vanilla latte and a chocolate chip cookie. Please.”

“You’re seriously going to order the most basic white girl drink?”, you chuckled before you’re eyes widened. “NO. Please tell me I didn’t say that out loud”, you thought. But judging by the silence you were met with and the “o_0 expression” (if you could call it that) your friendly neighbor super hero held, you were wrong. “Oh fudge”, you furrowed your eyebrows before giving her the most sympathetic look you could make.

“I did not mean to say that I am SO sorry. I mean I didn’t even mean to think that it just kinda came outta nowhere, I’ve never said anything like that out loud ever. Or not out loud. I’ve never even thought something like that, honest! I seriously don’t have any idea where this came from I mean I would never ever guess your race- it’s none of my business! And it’s not like race has anything to do with the goddarn drink. It’s a drink! Anyone can order it! I have no say in that and I am SOO-“

“IT’S OKAY”, this time, Gwen interrupted your rambling (finally, it seemed like you could go on and on), “you can uhhh make up for it by, I dunno, maybe, givingmeyournumber?”, she was nervous, but you were oblivious unfortunately.

“Oh. OH YEAH I can do that..I’ll just go get your drink. And you cookie”, your ass has never left a place so fast. “SPIDER WOMAN. WANTS. MY NUMBER”, you squealed in your head while preparing her order.

You returned to her in a few minutes, a cup in one hand and a cookie in the other. “For here or do you want me to put it in a bag?”

“Can you put just the cookie in the bag?”, Gwen asked shyly and you nodded packing the cookie in the paper bag. Taking a sharpie that stood on your side of the counter, you wrote on her cup of latte “For Spidey ♡ by Y/N”, scribbling your phone number underneath and handing the bag and the cup to her.

“Thank you for your visit. Enjoy!”, you said what you always say to your customers and she jokingly gave you a two finger salute, turning around and exiting the shop.

The whole day after her visit, you’d check your phone every two seconds waiting for her text. At this point, you were already at home, watching a movie you picked out randomly to distract you from constantly glancing at your phone. Unfortunately, you were a person who constantly keeps their sound off and the movie actually intrigued you to the point you somehow forgot about the happenings of yesterday and today, at least until the movie ended.

And then it hit you.

You opened your phone to see four new notifications from unknown. FROM AN HOUR AGO.

You could barely contain your excitement. Spider woman. Asked you. For your number. She had your number. And she texted you. You have Spider woman’s number. And you’re about to answer to her texts. Holy quack.

Unknown

Today 20:14

hey, this is spider woman

wow that felt weird to write hahah

anyway thank you for the drink

and your number

You smiled at your phone. Who would’ve thought that she would be so awkward while texting.

Unbeknownst to you, an hour ago, Gwen was panicking hard. At first she didn’t know what to say. She spent 10 minutes just writing and then deleting and writing and deleting words. Eventually, she decided to muster up the courage and send whatever first came to mind.

The moment she clicked on the “send” button, she regretted it. Then she sent another message, to try to fix the situation she put herself in. Only to realize she is just digging her grave deeper. Before she knew it, she sent you four messages, then threw her phone as far away as possible without damaging it too much, to stop herself from sending another text in attempt to “fix the previous”. She grabbed her mask and pulled it over her head, hiding her face from no one in particular.

After a few minutes, she heard a ding from across the room and scrambled from her bed quickly, tangling herself in the covers, getting her leg stuck in them and managing to fall face first on the floor.

Groaning, she reached for her phone from the very position she fell into, expecting to see a text back from you.

“Iphone storage full” was the only notification she received. Gwen placed the phone to where it was, continuing to lay on her bedroom floor with her Spider mask on.

“This is going to be a long night”

#spider woman x reader #gwen stacy x reader #atsv gwen #into the spider verse #spider gwen #spider man: across the spider verse #spider woman #across the spiderverse #ghost spider #gwen stacy #reader insert #spider gwen x reader #x reader #spiderman atsv

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thestobingirlie · 1 year

Note

what do you think about steve's relationships w tommy and carol? (either tommy and carol individually or them as a trio)

i am obsessed with carol, tommy and steve. you do not understand what you have begun lmao.

i have a lot of hyper specific headcanons of the three of them, but i’ll try not to bore you with them lmao.

so, first things first, i absolutely do not agree with people that think steve wasn’t really friends with tommy and carol, and they never cared about each other. i hate that take, it’s so boring. it makes steve leaving them behind mean nothing! he loved tommy and carol. but to be able to grow as a person he had to leave them behind.

i think when steve looks back on tommy and carol, it’s kinda complex, because he knows they weren’t great people, but the second he left them, his world began falling apart. so he mourns what he lost more than he would’ve otherwise. it’s the loss of his childhood! he misses them, but he doesn’t miss who he was with them, and he wouldn’t go back and change his decision, but i think he definitely wishes they could’ve grown with him.

so, steve and carol! we got given crumbs, and yet i love them. my personal hc is that steve and carol were friends first, and then tommy joined them later. i just love it that way around, i don’t know why.

tommy and steve definitely kissed at one point when they were like 11/12. i think all three of them had crushes on each other, but sadly they were teens in the 80s.

the three of them have, like, zero boundaries. carol was just showing off her manky foot on the table in the cafeteria, they were all sharing food, steve is eating as he leans over and examines carol’s weird foot wound. no hesitation. they just have the vibes of people that have known each other for too long and are too comfortable, they know too much about each other. i think steve absolutely knows an ungodly amount of information about tommy and carol’s sex life. he doesn’t want to, but once carol starts, there’s no stopping her.

his friendship with carol and tommy was the prequel to steve’s friendship with robin. he has never had a normal dynamic with his best friend, it’s always been a little over the top and weird. (but stobin is also special and different and in its own realm of obsessed)

i think they got crueler as they got older, a kind of frog in a boiling pot situation. steve didn’t realise quite how bad it had gotten until the jonathan fight, and he realised he didn’t want to be that kind of person, and as long as he was friends with tommy and carol he wouldn’t be able to change.

i think after the demogorgon fight at the byers house, he was so lonely, and he just wanted to go back to them, and be comforted. because monsters were real! but he couldn’t tell his best friends, because if he did they were in danger, and they were terrible people that steve shouldn’t want to be around. but he still did.

so, yeah. i think they started off very cute, but the dynamic got complex, kinda like a festering wound. they did all care about each other, but they were absolutely making each other worse.

#steve harrington #carol perkins #tommy hagan #mean girl trio #do they have a friendship tag? if not we should make one up #stranger things #asks #anon

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radiant-reid · 1 year

Note

Heyyyy cate! Could you do a blurt or Oneshot on Spencer with his teenage daughter who maybe doesn’t seem to like his new girlfriend at all but really she’s just really scare of her dad’s attention shifting ? She could do rebellious stuff to gain it back and he would take a while to really get what was going on? 🥺

omg yes i live for this type of angst. also, i'm considering a series with single dad spence, what do we think ?? i don't have a plot or anything lmao

There's nothing Phoebe loves more than her dad, and there's nothing Spencer loves more than his daughter. You knew that getting into a relationship with him.

He raised it early before your third date during the month you were only communicating by text. Now, you can't think of anything worse than going that long without talking to him.

You've been an increasingly permanent fixture in his life and, therefore, Phoebe's, especially after Spencer got released from prison. He needed an adult to talk to, not his fifteen-year-old daughter, and you were happy to be that for him.

Things would have been good, perfect even, hopefully, with you integrating even more into their lives, but your relationship with Phoebe was rocky.

She must have struggled with her dad in prison, having to stay with Aunt Penelope for three months while she had no idea what would happen to their family.

It's only deteriorated since you started sleeping over. It's like whenever you're around, she refuses to come out of her room, and it's more hatred for you than it is teenage angst.

That night, Spencer calls, asking you to come over. When you get there, he looks furious mixed with worried, but the furious is taking over.

You run through a list of things that might have happened during the day to have made him so mad. Maybe a problem with his reinstatement, although it's been fine for months, or a problem with a higher-up putting pressure on the team.

"Hey, hey, what's up?" You ask, shutting the door behind you and slipping your shoes off.

He nods to the study, walking in wordlessly as you follow. It's even more concerning that he won't say anything until the heavy wooden door has closed.

"So not only has Phoebe been skipping school to go to the mall, she has been stealing." He rants to you, pacing angrily. "Stealing! My daughter, who I raised to be a morally good person has been caught stealing."

Your eyes widen as your mouth drops open. It's pretty unbelievable. Although she hates you, Phoebe's a good kid. She's got too much of Spencer in her to be anything but. He's more hotheaded than he used to be, and he's not seeing it from any other perspective than how morally wrong it was.

"Alright, okay." You say, grabbing his hands and steering him to sit on the leather sofa. "Just breathe for a minute."

He tries, but it doesn't stop his eyes from darkening. "I need to be thinking about how I can punish her."

You shake your head softly. "You can't right now."

He looks at you like you're dumb, but you know he doesn't mean it. "You can't seriously be defending this."

You shake your head again. "I'm not, Spence. I promise. But this is a cry for help." He's still not understanding it, so you put it in terms she'll understand. "Behaviorally, what does it say if someone's shoplifting?"

"It's a reaction to a loss, to fill a void real or perceived." He lists off the common parts of the profile before it clicks in his head. "Oh."

"Yeah." You nod. "This is a call for help, Spencer. She's struggling with something, and I'm guessing it's a mix of me and what happened to you."

His eyes cloud over with tears then, his whole face softening. It's his baby, who he's been raising since he was fresh out of college, and she's begging for help, even if she doesn't know it.

Then he feels terrible because what type of a dad is he to not realize she's having such a rough time? And because of his decisions?

You can tell, too. "Spencer, stop." You insist. "You're not a bad dad."

"How did I not know?" He asks, holding his head in his hands.

"Because she's a teenager who hides her feelings from her dad." You joke, earning a slight chuckle from him, his beautiful smile gracing his face once again. "So I'm going to go so you can talk to her."

He shakes his head, squeezing your hand. "No, don't go." He begs. "Her problem is not with you."

"It is." You assure him. "I've started coming around more, and it's a big change. You don't like change, and I bet she doesn't either."

That makes him smile lightly. They are similar in a lot of ways, and that means the better and worse traits. "Can you wait here?" He asks.

Hesitantly, you concede. "I'll be in your bedroom." You say before winking at him as he gets up. "Go do good dad stuff."

Spencer flashes you one last smile before leaving you alone in the study so you can retreat to his room. He's worried when he walks up the stairs. There's been a lot of moments as a dad that he hasn't been able to prepare for, but this feels like the biggest of them all.

Gently, he knocks on her door. "Hey, sweet girl, can I come in?" He asks.

"Not your sweet girl." She answers, although she doesn't tell him not to come in so he pushes the door open.

It's clear she's been crying. Her new heavy eyeliner look makes that obvious. "You'll always be my sweet girl." He tells her, sitting on her desk chair.

"So what's my punishment?" She asks. "No phone, no iPad, no wifi? I bet you'll get Aunt Penelope to block it all, too."

Spencer shakes his head. "Nothing like that, Phoebs. I just want to talk."

"About what?" She asks in return.

"What's bothering you." He answers. "You're a good girl, and you know that was wrong. You're too smart for me to tell you that."

Phoebe shakes her head. "I'm not smart."

"You are." He assures her. "So, what's going on?" When he doesn't get an answer, he guesses. "Y/n?"

"I- She's so nice." Phoebe starts, articulating her feelings much better than Spencer ever could. "And I've been mean to her. It's just- she's here a lot, and I'm not used to having..." She trails off, playing with her fingers in her lap. "Someone around like that."

He can guess what she's thinking easily. "Someone I'm romantically interested in."

"My aunts and uncles aren't here all the time, but I feel like she's here to stay." She explains.

Spencer nods. "That's a decision we make together, but yes, I want that."

"I do, too," Phoebe says. "She's nice, and she likes you."

"She likes you, too," Spencer reminds her, taking her hand. "But you'll always be my number one, sweet girl." She smiles at him, standing up and walking over to hug him. He pulls her into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. "I love you."

"I love you, too, and I'm really sorry." She replies.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fandom #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid angst #spencer reid one shot #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #criminal minds family #criminal minds angst #criminal minds oneshot

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latoyalestrange · 8 months

Text

THE FOOL

p. pascal x f!oc

Masterlist | Playlist

Summary: It was their last twenty-four hours in Columbia before the cast flew back to Los Angeles. If you thought they weren’t going to party, you would be terribly mistaken.

Words: 3.3k

Warnings: Alcohol, mentions of cheating, possessive!pedro, not edited, begging 0.0, suggestive make out sceneeee

Taglist: @marvel-sw-lover , @lokislittle , @red-red-rogue , @babukat , @joels-darlin , @lmariephoto37 , @violac0la

comment if you want to be added to the taglist!

CHAPTER SIX — BAD INFLUENCE

“And that’s a fucking wrap!” Tom shouted, flute of champagne held up for a toast. The long dinner table erupted with applause and cheering. “I won’t bore you with a long speech, I know I already talk too much. So enjoy your dinner, and we will see you next year for season two!” Another round of applause as he joins in on the cheering before taking his seat.

“Thank god, I’m starving.” Pedro grumbled in his seat, next to Naela of course.

“I know, right? I feel like I can finally relax and eat a full meal. I’m so nervous in between takes that I can’t eat,” she chuckles, wasting no time in digging in.

“Really? What makes you so nervous?” There was that tone again. She gave him a knowing smirk in between bites.

“Hm. Interesting.” He knew what she was trying to say. Pedro and Naela always seemed to be on the same page, which was proven true when they were asked if they wanted to continue the party after dinner at a nearby club.

“But we have to wake up so early tomorrow,” Naela droned, pouting at Joanna.

“Yeah, I don’t know about being hungover for a 7 hour flight,” Pedro added.

“Oh, come on, love birds! Let’s have some fun tonight!” Joanna shook Naela’s shoulders, forcing them to laugh. “We won’t get to see each other again until the season premier!”

“Blondie’s right, let’s go make bad decisions!” Boyd joined in, jokingly cheering at the last part. Pedro looked at Naela, smirking at her while he considered the idea.

“I’ll go if she goes,” he decided before taking the last drink from his glass. Naela rolled her eyes but failed to look annoyed with her cheeks flushed.

“Pleeease, Naela? I promise it’ll be so much fun!” Joanna clasped her hands together as she begged. Naela thought for a moment, clearly it was important to Joanna.

“Fine. But I’m leaving at midnight, sharp,” Naela tried to warn her, but Joanna was already jumping and cheering after the first word.

“Yay! That’s probably how late I wanted to stay out anyway.” Joanna beamed at her, making her chuckle and shake her head.

As soon as they passed the bouncer, Naela could feel the regret setting in. The music, the dancing, and the overall atmosphere just wasn’t her. She was more of a bar kind of girl. However, if you got a few drinks in her, she could definitely be a club girl.

A few drinks meaning two shots of tequila and a refajo; exactly what she’d had tonight. The group gathered around a small, circular, bar-height table with their drinks. Joanna and Naela were chatting on one side, and the boys on the other. With her barriers down, conversation was flowing without any effort. They were laughing, joking, telling stories, and it all felt natural. Things came to a crashing halt, however, when Joanna heard one of her favorite songs come on.

She gasped, “I love this song! Naela, you have to come dance with me!” She clapped giddily before taking Naela’s hands, robbing her of the opportunity to say no. Luckily, it was one of Naela’s guilty pleasure songs as well, ones that you hate to admit they make you dance every time.

They didn’t waste a second getting to the dance floor and swaying their hips together to the beat. The neon lights glided across their skin as they moved, making a beautiful scene for everyone to watch, and they did. They stood out against the crowd and Naela only realized it when the music changed and she finally paid attention to her surroundings. A few pairs of eyes were on them, but the only ones she cared about were the espresso orbs staring at her from across the dance floor. Before she could think, her feet were carrying her closer to him and Joanna was following close behind.

They weaved their way through the dance floor and eventually arrived back at the table. Her eyes were mostly locked with Pedro’s, but she couldn’t help but notice the new round of drinks waiting for them on the table.

“Aw, how’d you know?” Joanna mused as she took the shot glass in her hand.

“Just had a feeling.” Pedro answered, openly winking at Naela. She smirked and followed suit, taking the small-but-mighty tequila shot in her hand.

“Cheers.” She hoped her friends didn’t pick up on the suggestive tone meant for Pedro. If they did, they didn’t comment before bringing their glasses together, then tapping them on the table in ritual. Naela held her breath as she brought the glass up to her plump and glossed lips and downed the firey liquid in one go. She usually couldnt hide her disgust after the second shot and this time was no different. Luckily for her, Pedro found the way she scrunched her nose and stuck out her tongue adorable. He shook off his own disgust before smiling down at her while she wasn’t looking.

“I think we should go dance with different people at the same time,” Joanna announced, looking pointedly at Boyd. He looked confused at first, but she nudged him and gestured towards Naela and Pedro on the other side of the table.

“What—“ Naela started before Boyd cut her off, agreeing with Joanna.

“Yeah, yeah I’m gonna go dance…” He trailed off as she dragged him away. Naela turned to Pedro, who was already looking at her, and couldn’t contain her laughter.

He shook his head, “What are we gonna do with them?”

She giggled, “I have no idea.” He sighed and glanced around the room, trying to swallow his anxiety.

“So what’s the first thing you’re doing when you get home?” Was the first question he could think of. The lights were flashing around, making focusing harder and just her presence was enough to make him sweat. She held back a wide smile by biting her lip, unable to contain her excitement.

“Firing my manager,” she answered confidently.

He instantly burst into laughter, letting his head fall back. “That’s fair, very fair.”

“What about you?” She asked, letting her body language naturally open up as she turned toward him. He smoothed his mustache for a moment, like he was deep in thought.

“Probably just gonna wait for you to call me,” he answered with a smug look on his face. She nudged him with her elbow, refusing to give in to the temptations she was feeling.

“I’m serious,” she added, looking up at him.

“So am I,” he chuckled. “Hope John won’t be too jealous.”

She scoffed, knowing he knew her boyfriends name, “It’s Josh. And he already is, if I’m honest.” The liquor was getting to the both of them and it was obvious in their conversation. His brow furrowed with interest.

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” His tone again. It was like a siren’s call that pulled her further out to sea, and she was entirely fine with drowning in it.

“I only told him bits and pieces of a few scenes and he tried to convince me not to take the job. He damn near broke up with me when I told him about the other contract.” Her expression fell as she spoke, and Pedro swore he could feel a fire ignite in his chest. He was enraged by the fact that a man could treat a woman like her so poorly.

“Well you can tell John to step up or I’m next.” She didn’t bother to correct him. Her head was spinning, trying to find something witty and not awkward to say.

“Maybe I will,” with a cheeky smile and intentional eye contact was the best she could come up with. “I’m gonna go use the restroom. Could you get us another round?” she added to diffuse the tension. He nodded and watched as she gathered her purse and turned to walk away. Naela felt the urge to look over her shoulder, feeling a pair of eyes on her. Sure enough, glancing back at Pedro, she could clearly see his eyes glued below her waist. He looked up at her, wiping his thumb across his lip with a sultry look in his eyes. He didn’t even try to play it off, he wanted her and didn’t care if she knew.

The few minutes she had to herself in the bathroom Naela used relieve herself, but mostly to fix her hair and smudged lip gloss. She took several deep breaths before making her way across the sea of people in between her and where her friends were standing. Boyd and Joanna had joined Pedro back at the table, new drinks in their hands.

“How was sitting on the other side of the club for ten minutes?” Naela asked sarcastically as she sauntered up to the group.

“It was great actually, much better company,” Boyd added jokingly. Pedro wheezed as he laughed and nudged his shoulder.

An hour or so and a few more drinks later, Naela could feel everyone starting to slow down, whether it was from exhaustion or the liquor. Her own words were slurred and she found everything much more funny than it actually was. Additionally, she found herself standing much closer to Pedro than she should’ve been. By now, she leaned into him with his arm ghosting her back as they stood. Either no one cared or they were too drunk to notice.

Speaking of too drunk, while laughing at something Pedro said, she stumbled back into his chest.

“Wow, you’re really drunk,” he whispered teasingly in her ear, chuckling a bit as his hands lingered on the outside of her arms.

“Not even a little bit,” she mumbled, craning her neck to meet his gaze as she rested against him now.

“Let’s get you in bed, yeah?” She knew that wasn’t how he meant it but the ache she felt in between her legs thought otherwise. She nodded and couldn’t help but bite her lip as she looked up at him with suggestive eyes. He smirked down at her enticingly innocent expression, trying to silence the inappropriate thoughts circling his mind.

“I’ll call a taxi,” he chuckled, shaking his head.

“Are you guys coming?” She asked the rest of the group, her eyelids starting to droop and her words becoming more strung together by the second.

“No, I think we’ll finish our drinks first,” Joanne slurred as well, unable to hide her smirk. “You guys go ahead.”

“Okayyy, I’ll see you guys in the morning then.” Naela sloppily wrapped her arms around her friend, almost making the both of them topple over. They laughed it off before she broke away to hug Boyd as well.

“Don’t do anything stupid, yeah?” He joked, patting her back casually.

“So don’t do anything you would do, got it!” Naela resposed teasingly. He chuckled and nudged her away with his palm to her forehead. She retreated to Pedro, who was just getting off the phone.

As if it were a habit, he slinked his arm around her shoulder, whispering in her ear, “Vámonos, hermosa.” God, is Josh could see this…

Naela shooed the thought of her boyfriend away as Pedro held the door for her. The brisk air hitting her face didn’t sober her up one bit, but it felt nice. He joined her near the curb as they waited.

“So what are you actually doing first when you get home?” She asked curiously, smiling brightly at him. Her dimples made him want to cave right then and there.

“I’ll be sleeping for the first few days, trust me,” he laughed, “But once I’m awake I’m shaving this off.” He smoothed his facial hair down, a gesture Naela had grown to find extremely enticing. However, she gasped unexpectedly once she processed what he had said.

“No, please don’t get rid of it! It’s really grown on me,” she whined, inching closer to him and letting her palm rest on his chest.

“I’m pretty sure it’s literally grown on me,” he joked. Once again, even though it wouldn’t be that funny if she were sober, she let her head fall back with laughter, causing her to lose her footing and trip off of the curb and into the street. She would’ve been just fine, but Pedro instinctively grabbed her and pulled her back onto the side walk, coincidentally into his arms. With his heart practically beating out of his chest, tension hung in the air for what felt like many minutes as he searched her eyes for any sign of hesitancy. For once, Pedro knew exactly what he wanted and he was going to get it. No advice from management, no contract, or anything else for that matter could’ve kept him from kissing her in that moment.

Slowly, he brought their lips together for a gentle, yet meaningful kiss. It was so different from all the other times they’d kissed; it wasn’t rushed, expectant, or in front of an entire cast and crew. It was perfect, and she never wanted it to end as her arms found their way around his neck, pulling him in deeper. Their long-anticipated fantasy was over, however, when an impatient honker ripped them out of it. Naela had no idea how long the cab driver had been waiting behind them.

“Oh, shit…Lo siento, señor!” Pedro apologized to the driver before swinging the door open and allowing Naela in first. As they started driving, she instantly knew why the studio was so particular about them using their assigned drivers. She was regretting her last drink as the driver made sharp turns and lurched at every stop. She thought closing her eyes would help, but eventually she resorted to letting her head rest of Pedro’s shoulder.

“You okay?” He asked softly, looking down at her. She shook her head and groaned.

He chuckled, “Tell me if we need to stop. Not sure he’d be too happy if you threw up in here.” She only let out a deep breath in response.

“Frena, por favor. Ella está mareada,” He spoke up to the driver, who instantly accepted his request and drove carefully the rest of the way back.

“Veinte mil pesos, por favor.” The driver said coldly as he put the car in park and outstretched his hand. Pedro sighed and reached around to take out his wallet, giving him two crisp blue bills.

“Quédeselo.” He resposed simply as he pulled himself out of the back seat. Naela reached for her car door, but before she could step out, Pedro was opening her door and holding his hand out for her. She gladly accepted, regaining her footing much better than she had before the ride home. Once the cool air hit her skin again, she felt much better. They smiled at eachother after he closed the door, hardly having a chance before the cab sped off. Naela hardly noticed. She did notice, however, how right Joanna was about how he looked at her. Her cheeks were either hot from him or the drinks, and her stomach, she was sure turned into butterflies.

“You don’t need me to carry you, do you?” He asked teasingly.

She chuckled, “Hm, now that you mention it…” He knew exactly what her tone was implying. He sighed, and without a moment of hesitation, he bent down and wrapped his arms around her thighs and threw her over his shoulder. She squealed at the unexpected movement, desperately grasping onto his back for support.

“I wasn’t serious!” She giggled into his leather jacket as it pressed up against her chin. Once they reached her trailer, he slowly planted her feet on the ground, at which point Naela realized she had neither her shoes or her purse. She patted her side, swearing her bag was hanging off her shoulder moments ago.

“I got it, don’t worry,” He reassured her as he took her keys out of her purse, her shoes in his other hand. She couldn’t remember taking anything off, but she was grateful at least Pedro was keeping track of her mess.

“Oh, thanks,” she responded softly. After a few tries, he eventually opened the door to her trailer and ushered her inside.

“So this is where you’ll be staying for the next six months,” he joked, gesturing around the living space. Naela could hardly focus on what he was saying, though. Something about being taken care of made her want to take care of him. She slowly started inching toward him as he went on. “I hope you like spanish TV, because that’s all that plays—“

Before he could finish, she pressed her lips against his and tangled her fingers in his hair. Caught off guard, he found himself unable to back away, in fact his hands were slithering around her back and pulling her closer. But no matter how much he wanted this, or how long he’d waited, he didn’t want to be that person.

“Naela,” he managed to say in between feverish kisses. He was only met with more kisses. God, he wanted to give in so bad. But not only was she in a relationship, she was drunk. He planted both hands on either side of her face and retracted his own, looking her dead in the eyes.

“Naela, we can’t.” He shook his head, eye contact unbreaking so he knew she understood. Her face instantly dropped, and Pedro felt a pang in his chest. Why did she have to look at him like that?

“You don’t like me?” Her brow tipped upward, making her look utterly devastated. He instantly mirrored her expression, feeling horrible.

“No, no, it’s not that…” He shook his head and let his hands fall to her shoulders. He was no longer nervous to admit it, it’s what she needed to hear. “I really like you, Naela.” It didn’t seem to make her feel better, her eyes glued to the floor. He sighed and brought his hand back up to her cheek, this time brushing her hair behind her ear.

“You’re drunk, amor. And I want us to start off on the right foot. Nothing tieing us to other people…” He hooked his finger under her chin and lifted her eyes to meet his gaze.

“I don’t want there to be any question that we both want this.”

“There isn’t,” she retorted, her eyes unwavering. She slid her hand up his torso, gripping lightly onto his collar once she reached it.

“Please, Pedro…” She couldn’t bring him to her level, so she got on her tip toes to connect their lips once more. He grumbled into the kiss, begrudgingly reciprocating.

“You’re making this really hard for me, Naela.” He growled once their lips parted, still holding her frame close as their foreheads pressed together.

“I hope I’m making something else hard too,” she teased, biting her lip.

“You don’t get to know,” he argued, giving her one last firm peck before straightening his back once more. Their hands loosely intertwined at their sides as he smirked down at her.

“You’re a bad influence,” he chuckled, swiping his tongue across his bottom lip.

“I would say I’m more of a fun influencer.” Pedro instantly laughed at her nonsensical response.

“Okay, yeah, time for bed, Naela.” Before she could protest, he spun her around by her shoulder and began guiding her toward her bed.

The next thing Naela knew, the alarm on her phone was blaring next to her head as she untangled herself from the covers. She quickly scrambled to grab her phone and silence it. She looked at the time, four AM. The events of the night before instantly set in. Naela couldn’t tell if she wished she had more to drink that night so she wouldn’t have to remember embarrassing herself like that. On one hand, she totally would’ve thrown up on Pedro at some point, but was that really worse than what she had done? Naela didn’t think so.

reblog if you made it to the end!

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spop-romanticizes-abuse · 6 months

Note

Do you ever get the feeling that while she was writing “The Owl House”, Dana Terrace had a clear idea at almost all times about what kind of story she wanted to tell and why she wanted the show to be about at its core, while Nate Stevenson didn’t have much idea what he wanted to do with “SPOP” other than “Something something Catradora Canon…something something venting my Evangelical religious trauma…something something I’ll figure out the rest eventually”?

hmm. i do think dana terrace had a clear idea at first but i wouldn't say she carried it out well either. excuse me while i go on a rant.

the owl house was definitely a lot better than spop but i still think dana lost sight of her show towards the end. belos starts off as a really strong villain with complex motives and an intriguing backstory. he was a very compelling character up until s03e01. but then, in the finale, they just did a 180 and made him the "pure evil big bad". that just didn't sit right with me. i don't mean to say i wanted him to have a redemption arc, i just think he deserved a more climatic ending. the thing that king's parent told luz completely contradicts belos's character. he literally sacrificed his own health for his beliefs, calling him self-centered and evil is downplaying his entire purpose and character. yes, he was a terrible person who wanted to commit mass genocide but since he was heavily implied to be a victim of religious trauma, labelling him as simply Evil™ feels very lazy.

not to mention, the final season focused more on useless subplots than the actual story. i know many people would disagree with me but huntlow was rushed and counterproductive to both hunter's and willow's arcs, the whole hexside and kikimora subplot was unnecessary and boring, and luz suddenly getting titan powers in the end undercuts her entire arc of choosing her own destiny. "but papa titan gave her a choice!" no he didn't. he might have said that but luz was literally dead. her only option was to accept the titan powers if she wanted to live and also save everyone else. it wasn't a difficult decision, it was her only choice. what was she supposed to do, just chill in the afterlife with papa titan?

so yeah, while i don't think toh messed up quite as much as spop did, i can't say it was flawless. i get it, the show was cancelled, yada yada. but that's not an excuse and if you want to know why i don't consider that an excuse, check this post.

#also hooty was severly underused in the last season #you mean to say my dude didn't even get a dialogue in the finale?#nah hooty deserved better #toh #toh critical #toh criticism #toh salt #anti huntlow #anti toh #maybe?#i don't hate the show okay but i do have complaints

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sweet-seishu · 2 years

Text

11:26pm

bonten! rindou haitani x fem! reader

warnings: angst, hurt to comfort, established marriage, mentions of divorce, NSFW, unprotected sex, multiple orgasms, squirting (the spicy isn't very descriptive, but it's still there), NOT EDITED, just overall terribly written, and very half assed. time stamped bc that's when i made the decision to post it today.

a/n: when i tell you this has been in my drafts for MONTHS and i just never posted it and now i'm cleaning out my drafts so here, i know it's bad leave me alone.

network tag: @tokyometronetwork

Divorce.

The word was running through Rindou's head as you sat across from him at his desk, chewing on your lip as you let him process what you had asked. There was no argument that led to this, no big fight, you had just asked him out of the blue. He was confused, he hadn't done anything wrong, so why did you want this?

There was of course a reason, you were just scared to bring it up.

"Why?" Rindou asked. You wouldn't look at him, you couldn't. "Y/n-"

"I-" You started, biting your lip to keep the tears from falling. "Rin, I'm just– I'm not happy anymore."

"But- what did I do?" The question seemed so innocent, and it made your heart hurt more as you thought about how to answer.

You didn't want him to be upset with you, you didn't want to end on a bad note. "Rin it's what you're not doing." You said softly.

"What I'm not-? What does that even mean?"

You finally looked at Rindou, and he looked irritated. You couldn't blame him, you were vague in your answer, and you knew he didn't care to figure these things out.

But you were just so tired. Tired of waiting for him to come home, tired of him working all those late nights. He's barely paid attention to you over the last few months, and you couldn't take it anymore.

"Rindou." You sighed. "I can't take this anymore. You're always at work, you're barely home, and when I do see you you barely acknowledge my presence."

"I'm just trying to give you a good life y/n, I need to work to do that." He said bluntly. "You knew what you were getting into when we stared dating as teenagers."

"Yeah Rin, I knew you'd be busy, and I knew there would be times when I wouldn't see you. But this has been going on for months. I dont even remember the last time we've had a conversation this long."

"You know how busy Bonten is becoming. I'm sorry I can't be home all the time but come on y/n-"

"Yeah I know how busy it's been, but I'm your wife Rindou, you should still be able to make time for me. If I'm being honest I feel like this is already over, and it's been over for a while."

Rindou was taken back by your words. How long have you actually been thinking about this?

"Night after night I wait for you to come home, just to remember what your stupid fucking face looks like, but then I fall asleep cause god forbid you come home at a normal hour, and then you're gone when I wake up." You said, choking on your words as the tears built.

You let a few tears fall from your eyes as you stared at Rindou. Someone you've known and loved all your life suddenly looked like a complete stranger.

"I'm breaking Rindou." You cried. "I'm completely falling apart here, and you don't even see it. It's like you don't even care. I'm completely at the bottom of your priority list, and it fucking hurts."

Rindou only looked at you, not knowing what to say. He hadn't realized how bad it was, but as he really looked at you now, he noticed the weight you lost, the bags under your eyes, and how the light was completely gone from them.

"Nothing to say?" You asked, swallowing the lump in your throat. "Then that's it. I'll call our lawyer in the morning. You can just go back to work." You pulled your wedding ring off your finger, suddenly feeling naked as you placed it in front of Rindou. "I love you Rin, and I'm always going to.. but I'm done waiting for you."

With that you left his office, leaving Rindou be as he stared at the ring. How could he be so stupid? How could he not realize how little he actually saw you?

He groaned, running his hands through his hair before looking at the picture of you two on his desk.

His blonde and blue hair, glasses on his face as he smiled at the camera, while you kissed his cheek, your y/h/c hair blowing out of your face, the hint of a smile on your lips as they touched his cheek.

You had taken that after he had told you he loved you the first time. The smile on your face after he said it was permanently marked in his mind, a smile so bright it made him weak in the knees.

Rindou loved you with all he had, and he has since you were teens. He was never the best at expressing his feelings, something you knew all too well, but he didn't want it to come to this.

He didn't want a divorce, the thought made him feel sick, like he wanted to throw up.

He wasn't going to let this happen, he couldn't.

"I just don't know how it got to this." You said to your friend on the phone. "How can we go from talking about starting a family, to getting a divorce?" You asked, voice cracking as a tear fell from your eye.

Rindou was standing on other side of the door, his heart sinking at your words.

"Was it because of me?" You cried. "Was I too much?"

Fuck, no you were perfect to him.

"Did he stop loving me?" You sobbed, looking down at your hand. You winced at the small 'rin' tattoo that was on your finger, a tattoo that was usually hidden by a ring.

Absolutely not. He loved you more than life itself.

He couldn't listen anymore, slowly opening the door to bedroom, making you turn your head. You told your friend bye, hanging up the phone placing it on your nightstand.

"What do you want?" You asked.

"To talk." He told you, sitting beside you on the bed.

"We don't have anything to talk about Rindou. It's done."

"I don't- y/n I don't want that." Rindou told you, csrefully putting his arms around you so he could pull you close. He felt you tense, and it hurt him more than he could admit.

"Rindou I'm just not seeing any other option." You told him.

"Pretty girl, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry I let it get to this. I never wanted to hurt you baby."

You started sobbing, shoulders shaking as Rindou buried his head in your neck.

"I can't just let you walk away from this, from us. I promise I'll be better. I'll be the man you married, someone you deserve."

"I don't want an empty promise Rindou. You always put Bonten before me and I can't take it anymore."

His hold on you tightened. He really was an idiot. "It's not empty. I'm so sorry I ever made you think this marriage was over, sorry I ever made you doubt how I feel about you. I only wanted to give you the life you deserve."

You sighed, slowly moving to face him.

"Rindou, I don't care about having a lavish life, I don't need expensive things. All I need is you. You're all I've ever needed and you- fuck Rin- you slipped completely out of my grasp."

Rindou pulled you closer to him, holding you tightly as you cried into his shoulder. He rubbed your back soothingly as you held onto his dress shirt so tightly you could hear it ripping.

"Look at me." Rindou said softly, making you lift your head from his shoulder. He gently moved your hair behind your ear. "My pretty girl. I hurt you really bad didn't I?"

"You did." You said softly, sniffling as Rindou moved his hand to wipe the tears from your cheeks.

"I won't hurt you anymore, I promise you that. I'll be home more, I'll let you know if I have to stay late, I'll do whatever I have to, just please stay." Rindou choked, his eyes stinging. "You're my soul mate, losing you would be losing a part of me, and I just can't-"

You cut him off, kissing him softly as you tasted the mix of your tears. When you pulled away you let your forehead meet his, looking into his violet eyes.

"Okay." You said softly.

"Okay?"

"I won't go anywhere." You whispered. "Just please, please don't-"

"I won't." Rindou told you, knowing exactly what you were going to say. He pulled your ring from his pocket so he could slip it back on your finger. "I love you so much y/n, let me show you yeah?"

You nodded before Rindou placed his lips on yours, both of you easily melting into eachother.

Your hands found their place in his purple hair, tugging at the strands as you tried to get closer to him. He held on to you for dear life, scared to let you go as he licked your bottom lip. You quickly opened your mouth, your tongues tangling as everything quickly became hot.

"Off." You said against his lip, ripping his dress shirt open, not caring about the buttons. You just wanted him, and you wanted him now. It's been so long since you were together like this, and you weren't ashamed to show how needy you were for his touch.

It all happened so fast, and before you knew it you were beneath Rindou, moaning as he brought you to your fourth orgasm of the night.

He spent a long time, prepping you with his fingers and tongue, making you cum again and again before filling you with his thick length, a feeling you had missed so much.

"Rin." You gasped as he hit that spot inside you again and again. "Please don't stop!"

"Fucking hell y/n. You're squeezing me so fucking tight." Rindou moaned, pounding his hips harder into you. Your nails scratched at his broad back, making him hiss as you screamed, squirting your juices all over his abdomen.

"Fuck!" Rindou groaned, pumping inside of you a few more times before stilling his hips, painting your walls white.

You were both silent, the only thing that could be heard was your heavy breathing as Rindou lay on top of you, being mindful not to crush you with his weight.

"Rindou?" You whispered, making the younger Haitani look at you.

"What is it pretty?"

"Can we go take a bath? I'm kinda of sore." You chuckled, moving his hair out of his face. He only smiled, slowly pulling out of you before standing up.

"Give me a sec okay?" He said, kissing your forehead before walking off to the bathroom. He ran a hot bath, making sure there were lots of bubbles and a nice bath bomb, just the way you liked it.

He walked back into your room, smiling at your sleepy state. He picked you up bridal style, carrying you to the shower so you could both rinse off first.

You sighed when you got in the tub, your back against Rindou’s chest as he held you.

He realized how much he really missed moments like this with you. He really did take you for granted, he knew that and he hated himself for ever making you think he didn't love or care about you.

"Rin are you okay?" You asked.

He hadn't realized he was crying.

"I just, fuck." Rindou sobbed. "I'm just so fucking sorry."

Rindou rarely cried, not like this. Sure he shed a few tears here and there, but he never completely broke down. You didn't know what to do.

"Rindou it's okay." You told him.

"It's not. It's not okay." He sobbed again, holding you tighter against him. "Can't believe I alm- almost let you slip away. Can't believe I made you feel like this was over, I'm so-"

"Shh." You cooed, turning around so you could face him, not caring about the water spilling over the sides of the tub. "Baby it's okay, I forgive you."

"You're just, you're everything to me and I almost let you walk I-"

"Rin." You said softly, holding his face between your hands. The tears in his eyes wouldn't stop, breaking your heart as you tried to consol him. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

Rindou looked at you, nothing but love for him in your eyes as you comforted him. Fuck he really was stupid.

"Let's get out of the bath and go to bed okay?" You smiled. Rindou nodded, closing his eyes as you placed a gentle kiss to his forehead, letting him calm down.

You both stepped out of the tub once his tears stopped. Rindou grabbed towels for you both to dry off before he grabbed your hand, walking you back to your shared room.

Rindou quickly slipped on a new pair of underwear before tossing you a shirt of his and a pair of sleep shorts.

"Let me just grab some new sheets okay?" Rindou told you. You nodded, smiling when he kissed your forehead.

When he returned you helped him change the bedding quickly, finally laying down with the soft duvet covering the both of you.

He was quick to grab you, cuddling you into his side, as he kissed the top of your head. You traced his tattoos, making Rindou sigh in content.

"Love you pretty girl." Rindou whispered, stopping your actions so he could grab your hand, lacing your fingers together. "I'll love you forever."

"I love you to Rin." You told him kissing his skin, finally letting your eyes flutter shut. "Forever."

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers x y/n #tokyo revengers x you #tokyo revengers smut #bonten x fem!reader #bonten x reader #bonten smut #bonten rindou #rindou #rindou haitani #haitani rindou #rindou x reader #rindou haitani x reader #rindou haitani x you #rindou haitani smut #haitani rindou x reader #haitani rindou x you

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anonymousewrites · 5 months

Text

Portal to My Heart (Book 1.5) Chapter Seventeen

Loki x Reader

Chapter Seventeen: For the Heart

Summary: Loki and (Y/N) get a chance to talk.

Mouse Note: Can I apologize now? We all know what's happening next.

(Y/N) and Loki walked into Thor’s room as he finished examining his eyepatch.

“It suits you,” said Loki.

“Kingly,” said (Y/N).

“Maybe you’re not so bad after all, Brother,” said Thor.

“Maybe not,” said Loki with a smile.

“Thank you,” said Thor, first looking at (Y/N). “You protected my people. I can’t thank you enough.”

(Y/N) smiled. “I care for them, too. It was the least I could do.”

“And thank you, Brother,” said Thor, addressing Loki. “If you were here, I might even give you a hug.” He tossed a small object at him.

Loki caught it. “I’m here.”

Thor stormed forward and wrapped (Y/N) and Loki into a bear hug before they could protest.

The crowd of Asgardians parted and bowed as Thor walked through to his throne at the helm of the ship.

“Your throne,” said Valkyrie.

Thor sat down.

“So, King of Asgard,” said Heimdall.

Thor awkwardly turned around and waved at his people.

“Where to?” asked Heimdall.

“I’m not sure,” said Thor. “Any suggestions? Miek, where are you from?”

“Oh, Miek’s dead,” said Korg. “Yeah, no, I accidentally stepped on him on the bridge. I’ve just felt so guilty, I’ve been carrying him around all day.” Suddenly, Miek raised his head and chittered. “Miek! You’re alive! He’s alive, guys. What was your question again, bro?”

Thor looked back out at the stars and made his decision. “Earth it is.”

“So, you’ll be returning to your home,” said Loki to (Y/N) as they walked down the hall to their quarters.

“Earth? I mean, can it really count as my home after so many years? I got pretty used to Asgard,” said (Y/N).

“Isn’t the Midgardian saying ‘the home is where the heart is?’ ” said Loki.

“I don’t think my heart is on Midgard anymore. I had no family or really any friends there. Everything I care about is here,” said (Y/N), absently looking at Loki.

He paused and gazed at her. “You…care about me?”

“Maybe you’re not so bad, Loki,” said (Y/N), smiling. “I guess it’s not just your banter that makes you tolerable.”

“Oh? And what does make me tolerable?” said Loki, taking a step closer.

“Your bravery. I don’t know what happened to the ass that tried to take over my planet, but you did the honorable thing today.” (Y/N) smiled. “I’m glad you changed. I think you’ve become a better person.”

“I’ve always been great,” said Loki.

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, but the smile remained. “And there’s that terrible pride. I thought we were going to have a civil discussion.”

“The two of us are never civil,” said Loki. He let a smile creep onto his face. “But I suppose that is what is so entertaining about our friendship.”

“Oh, so I’m still just amusement? How flattering,” teased (Y/N).

“Well, yes, you are amusing,” said Loki. He shifted almost nervously, and (Y/N) took notice.

“Loki?” said (Y/N), prompting him. It seemed like he had more to say.

“I wanted to say thank you,” admitted Loki.

“Thank you?” repeated (Y/N), confused.

“For protecting the Asgardians,” he clarified.

“Oh. Well, of course I helped them. They’re innocents. I couldn’t let Hela hurt them,” said (Y/N).

“But it’s not just about Hela,” said Loki. (Y/N) paused in confusion and let Loki continue. “It’s about me.”

“You?” (Y/N) knew he’d been terrible in the past, but lately, Loki had been improving and evolving.

“Me.” Loki took a deep breath. “When I acted as Odin, you looked after Asgard. You kept the realms in balance.”

(Y/N) turned red. “I didn’t really do anything, Loki, seriously. I just made sure no one got away with stupid decisions.”

“(Y/N), I would have run rampant as King,” said Loki. “You were the one who protected the people of Asgard and looked after them. You were my dear Advisor, but you were the Asgardians’ true Queen.”

“I’m no queen,” said (Y/N), laughing nervously.

“Yes, you are,” said Loki, reaching out and touching (Y/N)’s wrist. He trailed to her hand. “Thor might have been born to be king, but you were the people’s queen. You still are.” Loki held (Y/N)’s hand lightly. “You are my advisor but their Queen.”

“A queen,” repeated (Y/N), blushing. “You’re really trying to flatter me.”

“I am called Silvertongue,” said Loki. He gazed intently at her. “But this is just me being honest. You are an honorable woman. You are sharp and intelligent, and you see through the lies and manipulations of others. You are precisely what a ruler should be.”

(Y/N) was wondering how much redder she could turn before exploding. “I, uh, wow…That’s a pretty hefty standard.”

“It is the truth,” said Loki. “You are an incredible woman of power and honor.” He wasn’t sure how to convey how he felt without saying the words that would make or break his heart. He loved (Y/N) too much to risk the heartbreak that would accompany rejection. He feared her opinion of him more than any other’s.

“Loki…” murmured (Y/N). “You’re incredible, too. You’ve grown from your mistakes. Not many can say the same.” Her hand slipped in his grip to return the hold.

“I…I have?” said Loki, almost hesitantly.

“Yes. You make mistakes and stumble, but you’ve been helping others and looking after people,” said (Y/N), smiling. “That’s incredible, Loki. Most people aren’t strong enough to change. You should be proud of yourself.”

“I wasn’t even aware of it as I did,” said Loki, holding (Y/N)’s hand tighter.

“Well, that’s how change works. It’s little-by-little,” said (Y/N).

“Perhaps. But I didn’t change for myself,” said Loki. His green eyes met (Y/N)’s with such intensity and care that it was hard for (Y/N) to not look away nervously.

“No?” The word was hushed, barely a breath. (Y/N) felt something hanging in the air between her and Loki, and she was afraid to break it.

“No.” Loki stepped closer, and his free hand reached to brush her cheek. When (Y/N) didn’t move away, he cupped her face with gentle care. “No, (Y/N), my dear Advisor. I changed for you.”

“Me?”

“You. You pushed me to be a better person, whether you realized it or not, and somewhere along the line, I began to think of you when making decisions. My change is because of you.” Loki smiled at her. “Thank you, my darling.”

“Oh, Loki,” said (Y/N), reaching up and covering the hand on her cheek.

“(Y/N),” murmured Loki.

He leaned in slightly, and (Y/N)’s eyes fluttered closed.

Their lips brushed, and their hearts pounded.

“Aha! (Y/N), Loki, I was looking for you—Oh!”

(Y/N) and Loki jumped apart as Thor walked down the hall. They avoided eye-contact and cleared their throats uncomfortably as Thor stared at them.

“Uh…I interrupted something, didn’t I?” said Thor awkwardly.

“What? No,” (Y/N) laughed nervously.

“Nonsense,” said Loki, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

But both person’s heart thumped sadly at having to leave the moment they had created for just them. Just Loki and (Y/N), together.

Their confession would have to wait for another time.

Taglist:

@alexpangender

@technikerin23

@kikster606

@neenieweenie

@h-l-vlovesvintage

@chronicallybubbly

#portal to my heart #x reader #loki #loki fanfic #loki marvel #marvel loki #loki odinson #loki x reader #loki laufesyon x reader #loki laufeyson #loki odison x reader #loki of asgard #marvel x reader #marvel cinematic universe #marvel #mcu x reader #loki mcu #mcu

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starsstuddedsky · 2 years

Text

Please Know My Feeling

reader x joshua

summary: bitter about your ex boyfriend moving on so quickly, you decide to ask your friend to be your fake boyfriend to prove that you could move on just as easily. but what happens when you can't tell the difference between what's fake and what's real?

genre: fluff, tiny bit of angst, university au, sports au, non idol au, fake dating

warnings: yn is the most oblivious person on the planet, mentions of injury, drinking, did i mention yn is an idiot?

wc: 12.1k

a/n: should i be doing hw instead of writing this series? dw about it and just read this.. thanks for all of the love so far, i really enjoyed writing this one (as you can tell from the fact that it's way too long). if ur a soccer player please forgive me. i tried. don't pay attention too much to the fact that twice are the teammates i just didn't want to make up names

title: Please Know My Feeling - Lee Solomon

masterlist

I saw Joshua across the quad. It was a terrible decision, really, but I was tired of thinking things through. It was why I was in this situation in the first place.

“Joshua!” I shouted, waving him down. He was walking with a couple people but waved them on.

“Yn,” he said with a smile.

“Hi,” I said, opening my arms to him and saying a silent prayer of thanks when he hugged me back without question.

“What’s going on?” He asked as I held on.

“Please tell me you’re single,” I said, peeking over his shoulder to see if anyone was looking.

“Yeah,” he said slowly. He took a step back, hands coming to rest under my elbows, brow furrowed. “Is everything okay?”

I chewed on my lip, wondering if I should just apologize and tell him it was just a dumb idea.

Then I saw them out of the corner of my eye, hands intertwined, laughing. I met Joshua’s eyes with renewed strength. “Can you be my boyfriend?”

Joshua’s frown deepened. “Yn, you just broke up.”

“Fake boyfriend, I mean,” I said. “Please?”

He stared at me for a long time, and I realized how insane I sounded. Joshua was hardly a stranger, in fact, he was one of the first friends I’d made. But asking him to be my fake boyfriend just because my ex had moved on after taking all of two days to process our breakup? Not something particularly mentally stable people did.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “That was really dumb, a really bad joke, I-”

“I’ll do it,” Joshua interrupted. I froze as he flashed a smile at me and picked up my hand. “I’ll be your fake boyfriend.” I must have looked as astonished as I felt because he laughed.

“Seriously? No ‘tell me why and I’ll think about it,’ or ‘pay me $2000 a month’ or any questions at all?”

He shrugged. “I know you, yn, you wouldn’t do this without good reason.”

I felt guilty immediately. Joshua trusted me so quickly and I was using it because my feelings were hurt. As if he was reading my thoughts, he squeezed my hand.

“I did think about it,” he said. “It’s not like it’s going to do anything bad to me. Actually, it’ll be great because Seungcheol and Jeonghan will probably stop making fun of me for not getting a date since freshman year.” He started walking, not letting go of my hand.

“You’re not going to tell them the truth?” I frowned.

“Yeah, but I’m going to take full advantage of having a fake partner first.” He smiled, an evil twinkle in his eye. “They talk a lot considering they’re both single.” We kept walking, hand in hand. It was strange at first; I kept expecting to see him but then he would bump my shoulder or tap his fingers and do something to remind me he was Joshua. Everything in my head was a mess, I couldn’t tell if it hurt more that it wasn’t him or that I didn’t want it to be him. All I knew was that holding Joshua’s hand was a comfort I didn’t expect but clung to.

We were walking in silence when he suddenly stopped, frowning at something in the distance for a moment before turning to me. “That’s why?”

I didn’t have to look to see what he saw. My ex-boyfriend, Nam-Il, hand in hand with his new partner. He at least had the decency to text me this morning and tell me he was dating someone else, but the fact that it was two days after we had broken up made it feel more like an insult than courtesy. Apparently two years with me was that easy to move on from. I thought knowing would make it easier, but seeing them on the quad a few minutes ago would have hurt less if I could have pretended they were just friends.

Now Joshua was looking at me with a frown I couldn’t decipher. He didn’t let go of my hand but his grip was looser as he stepped in front of me, blocking my view of the couple.

I could feel tears prickling my eyes, chewing on my lip to stop them from spilling over. Joshua took a step closer pulling my chin up gently.

“Is he looking?” He whispered softly, eyes not leaving mine.

I had to force my eyes to flicker away, though I found myself drawn back to them like a magnet, snapping back the moment I saw that he was in fact looking. I nodded, not trusting my voice.

“Can I kiss you?” I blinked, not sure if I had hallucinated or if he had really said that out loud. I didn’t move when he stepped closer, his lips so close I could feel his breath. He repeated the question.

I nodded, our noses brushing against one another. For a moment, neither of us moved, then he leaned forwards and closed the distance. I think he meant to just brush his lips against mine, but when I raised my hand to his neck and pulled him closer, he reacted instantly, and then I stopped thinking entirely. For just a moment, I forgot about Nam-Il.

I stepped back, swallowing hard before opening my eyes. Joshua was glancing behind him. When he turned back to face me he wore a satisfied smile.

“I think it worked,” he said. “He looked sufficiently stunned.”

My brain finally caught up, finally processing what had just happened. Joshua had kissed me. It wasn’t a bad kiss. And when I peaked over Joshua’s shoulder, I caught a glimpse of Nam-Il‘s frown. I grinned at Joshua.

He slipped his hand back into mine and we kept walking. I thought about peeking at Nam-Il and his new date but decided I had enough satisfaction for the day. I settled for the feeling of Joshua’s hand in mine, grounding me in the strange new reality I had created.

“You want to get lunch together?” Joshua asked.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’m meeting with a couple of my teammates to watch tape at noon.”

Joshua checked the time on his phone. “You do know that’s in five minutes, right?”

“Shit,” I said. Seeing Nam-Il had made my mind go blank for a moment, the pain too much. “I have to go.”

He squeezed my hand before letting it go.

“We’ll talk later!” I shouted as I jogged away, taking one last look at my new fake boyfriend. It wasn’t until I was inside that I realized I was smiling.

If I was being honest, my relationship with Nam-Il had been over for months. Even though he had been the one to say the words first, it was only a matter of time. I couldn’t really blame him for moving on quickly when our relationship had been over a long time ago. I just wished I knew if I was upset because I hadn’t moved on or because he didn’t even pretend to be upset over the end of our relationship.

“Yn,” Chaeyoung, my teammate, whispered in my ear. “Your boyfriend is waving at you.” I blinked back into reality to focus on Joshua across the field, standing behind the benches. I gave a small wave, feeling guilty that he’d probably been waving like an idiot while I was busy daydreaming about my ex boyfriend.

My teammates had been surprisingly understanding about dating Joshua. I was fully prepared to tell them the truth, but they weren’t surprised, and were even happy for me when I told them I was dating him. I supposed the athletics teams were pretty close, and I knew that a lot of my teammates had started to think Nam-Il was a crappy boyfriend at the end of our relationship, especially when he stopped coming to our matches. I couldn’t really blame them for that.

I only told my best friend (and roommate), Momo, the truth. She sat on my other side, scrolling through her phone as she had for the entire match.

“You know it’s more interesting if you actually watch the game,” I said.

She shrugged. “Since when do I care about soccer?” I had been lucky to get her to come to the match after practice, only convincing her because I wanted her to judge whether Joshua and I actually looked like a couple. The problem was that half the team overheard that we were going and invited themselves, and now they were sitting in the bleachers with me, teasing me for my boyfriend being so sweet.

“Besides, you’re just here for your boyfriend,” she said. “It’s not like you came to their matches before.”

“I am friends with the rest of the team!” I said.

“Knowing their names doesn’t mean you’re friends,” Chaeyoung said. “Coming from someone that’s actually friends with some of them.”

I glared at her. “Aren’t you supposed to have respect for your upperclassmen?”

“I do respect you,” she said, putting her hand on my shoulder. “That’s why I’m making sure no one misunderstands you.”

“You’re so full of it,” I said, but I was smiling. I peeked across the field again and found Joshua. He was chatting with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, his best friends. They’d played together for all of college, but I had just found out that Jeonghan and Joshua had played their very first season of soccer together, when they were just six. The thought of tiny Joshua running around chasing a ball was adorable.

He had to have some sixth sense for people staring at him, because it wasn’t long before he turned to me, smiling and waving again. Seungcheol smacked his shoulder, probably pretending to be mad at him for not paying attention.

It was halftime, the score was tied 1-1. I slid closer to Momo as the night air got chillier. It wouldn’t have been too bad, except we had come straight from practice, and the sweat had set a chill deep down that I couldn’t quite shake off. Unlike a lot of my teammates, I hadn’t thought to bring a sweater.

I couldn’t deny my pride at dating a member of the thus far undefeated soccer team, even if it was fake. I couldn’t deny my jealousy, our three losses unforgettable, but I still bragged about him as soon as I realized my teammates didn’t care that I had just broken up with Nam-Il.

It made tensions in the stands that much higher as the second half continued and the score remained tied. Even Momo looked up a couple times as the other team came close to scoring, Jihoon, our goalie, making a couple incredible saves. The freshman forward, Chan, made a couple good plays, getting through their defense, but even the so-called prodigy wasn’t good enough to get a goal in. I winced as it got more aggressive, plenty of arguable fouls on both sides.

Volleyball was my expertise, but I could follow the rules of soccer, which is how I knew Minghao, another of our forwards, was definitely not off-sides when the referee blew the whistle. The entire crowd booed as the ball went to the other team, destroying the chance that Minghao had created to score.

The other team moved viciously down the field, recklessly pushing through our defense despite our best efforts. Seungcheol made a move for the ball but the player kicked it across to his teammate. There were 30 seconds left in the match, the crowd chanting defense, defense, defense, as the other team drove closer and closer to our goal. I held my breath as they took a shot, but another of our defenders, Seungkwan, got there just in time. However, when he kicked the ball back towards our team, one of the other players intercepted it.

He maneuvered back to avoid our defense, kicked it to another teammate just before Joshua got to him. At 20 seconds, they were in position to take another shot, our defense scrambling. Seungcheol made one last desperate player but it wasn’t enough. It felt like time froze as the ball soared through the air, aiming for the top corner of the goal. Jihoon dove as high as he could but it still wasn’t enough, and the ball went in.

The crowd groaned, Jihoon picking himself off the ground and glaring at the ball. The other team were quick to cut off their celebrations, ready to completely sign in their victory, and the end of the winning streak.

For their part, our team didn’t quite give up. I was proud of how they tried to get the ball down as quickly as possible, Chan even getting a shot on goal off, though it was wild and never stood a chance at actually scoring. The crowd chanted, three, two, one! and it was over.

They had lost their undefeated winning streak.

Many of the team looked sad, heads hanging low, walking slowly to their bench as the other team whooped and jumped on each other. A loss would weigh heavy on all of them, even if they still had an unprecedented season with their stats.

I waved as most of the team left, rather disappointed that the first time they saw Joshua as my official boyfriend ended so poorly.

“Maybe you’re bad luck,” Momo whispered in my ear. I rolled my eyes at her smile, following her out of the bleachers.

“Are you saying the reason they lost is because I’m fake-” I paused, glancing around us and lowering my voice. “Because I’m ‘dating’ Joshua?”

“I would never say that!” She said, “I implied it.”

“Oh, well that’s much better then.” I stopped at the fence line. “I’ll see you at the apartment, I’m going to chat with my friends and make sure they aren’t too upset by this.”

Momo shook her head. “I think you just want to hug your boyfriend.”

I rolled my eyes at her again, almost regretting telling her the truth. “Drive safe! I’ll see you later!”

They took longer in the post-game meeting than I anticipated. The crowd was gone by the time the boys finally started making their way across the field, only a few parents and friends hanging around to see a player. Having stood for so long, I was cold again, wishing I had just gone home with Momo.

Joshua walked over with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, chatting with them but glancing at me every few seconds like he thought I was going to vanish. As soon as they reached me, Joshua stopped, the other two boys continuing down the path. He took one look at my shivering and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.

“Sorry I’m a little sweaty,” he whispered in my ear. “Is this okay?”

“‘S okay,” I said, grateful for any warmth. “I probably don’t smell the best either, I came straight from practice. How are you feeling?”

I could feel him shrug. “I mean, I’m not happy, but it’s whatever. It was cool to get this far and it sucks the winning streak is over but we can’t win them all. As long as we win during playoffs, the season doesn’t matter to me.”

“Really? You’d be okay if you lost every single game for the rest of the season?”

“Okay, fine, as long as we are still first in the region,” he said. “Hey, you want to come to dinner with us? I can guilt Seungcheol into paying.”

I smiled into his shoulder. “Free food? My answer is always yes.” He laughed, pulling away but keeping a warm arm over my shoulders and pulled close to his chest. I kept my arm around his waist. It was strange how natural it felt to be intimate with him. When I had first started dating Nam-Il, I had taken forever to feel comfortable holding his hand. It must be because it wasn’t real.

“Hey, yn is coming with us!” Joshua shouted to Seungcheol and Jeonghan. They slowed down until we caught up with them. Seungcheol apparently didn’t have Joshua’s approach to the loss, still ranting.

“All I’m saying is that if they didn’t make that horrible call on Minghao, we would have at least had a chance,” he said.

Joshua shrugged. “It’s over, man. It’s not like it’s playoffs.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Okay, you’re being dramatic,” I said. “It’s one loss and it wasn’t even a blow out. Did you guys win, like, eight nothing last week?”

“Yeah, stop insulting the fact that the volleyball team has three losses,” Jeonghan said.

I frowned at him. “I don’t like your support.”

“No one ever does.” Jeonghan sighed overdramatically.

“That’s because your version of support is rarely actual support,” Joshua said. “You literally just insulted yn.”

“Insult is harsh. It was the truth,” he said.

“I think we’re getting distracted from the fact that we actually lost,” Seungcheol said.

Joshua rolled his eyes. “One or three, it doesn’t really matter, all that matters-”

“Is the end of the season,” Seungcheol finished. “So you’ve said. You’re starting to sound like Coach.”

“Never say that again,” Joshua said.

“It’s a compliment!” Jeonghan said. We reached the parking lot. Joshua tossed his bag into the trunk of a car, then dug around the back seat, emerging with a sweatshirt.

“I’m at least 70% sure this is mine,” he said, passing it to me. “But if it smells, it’s definitely Seungcheol’s.” I laughed, pulling it over my head, deciding it smelled distinctly like Joshua.

“Hey!” He held up the keys. “This is still my car, I can leave you whenever I want!”

“You can try,” Joshua said, sliding back into the backseat. I followed him as Seungcheol slammed the driver's door shut and Jeonghan sat in the front seat. He turned around immediately, staring at me and Joshua in the back. We had left the middle seat open, Joshua behind Seungcheol and me behind Jeonghan. He glared at that empty seat, as if we were supposed to be sitting in each other's laps.

“You’re being weird,” Joshua said without looking up from his phone. Jeonghan turned back with a sigh, strapping his seatbelt on as Seungcheol began to drive.

“So, Joshua refuses to tell us how you started dating,” Seungcheol said. I glanced at Joshua who had dropped his phone, eyes wide.

“That’s because it’s not your business,” he said quickly.

“Yeah, I don’t really care,” Seungcheol said. “Also yn had a different boyfriend a week ago, and yes, we all know he sucks, but you are my best friend- you are also my best friend don’t be annoying, Jeonghan- anyways, I’m going to make sure that your relationship is, like, healthy or whatever.”

“That’s very kind of you, dad,” Joshua said. “But I can make my own decisions.”

“Not when yn is involved,” Jeonghan muttered. I felt like an intruder in the conversation, but I couldn’t exactly leave without jumping out of a moving car.

“Joshua, we’re just asking how you started dating,” Seungcheol said. “Most people love talking about that.”

“It’s fine,” I said before Joshua could argue back. He turned to me and I could tell he just didn’t want me to get into trouble. Well, it was my fault his friends were interrogating him, the least I could do was help him out. “Yeah, technically I only broke up with Nam-Il last week-”

“I heard you got dumped,” Jeonghan said.

I glared at the back of his seat. “It doesn’t particularly matter because we hadn’t really been together in months. Honestly, it was just like waiting for the right thing to break up with him over and he beat me to it.”

It felt good to say out loud, grounding myself in reality. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t him, it was both of us. I smiled at Joshua. “I just realized I had feelings for someone else, and told him. Is that a crime?”

“That’s the story you’re going to stick with?” He asked.

“It’s the truth,” I said. More or less, I added in my head.

“It has nothing to do with Nam-Il dating someone new?” Jeonghan asked.

I was quiet for just a second too long.

“Can you guys please stop interrogating them?” Joshua asked. “I told you, we are fine.” He took my hand and squeezed it. I couldn’t tell if he was doing it to prove to them we were a normal couple or to comfort me. I figured it had to be the first one even though they probably couldn’t see our hands.

“Answer the question,” Jeonghan said, turning to face us. The car stopped at a light, and we were bathed in red.

“I mean I wasn’t a fan of him moving on so quickly,” I said slowly. “But I like Joshua.” I glanced at him, black hair messy from the game, soft smile reaching his eyes and turning them into little crescents, hand still in mine, and it almost wasn’t a lie.

Jeonghan turned back around as the light turned green, apparently satisfied.

“Okay, now that that’s all cleared up, I think you guys owe us dinner!” Joshua said. “Right, yn?”

“Um…”

“Perfect, we all agree!” He said.

“I already said I was going to pay,” Seungcheol grumbled.

“You’ll just have to owe us extra then!”

The rest of the car ride was quiet. Joshua would show me a meme every once in a while and Seungcheol started talking about the game again, more to himself than anyone else.

“Just let it go,” Jeonghan said. “We have a tournament this weekend and if you’re still obsessed with this we’ll lose those too.”

I turned to Joshua. “Our first weekend as a couple and you’re leaving me?”

He glanced at me and smiled at my fake pout, reaching out and patting my head. “Don’t you have a tournament this weekend too?”

“That’s not the point!” I said.

“You two are kind of gross,” Seungcheol said. He pulled into the parking lot of a diner. It was nearly 10, so the diner was pretty much empty.

Apparently they came here at least once a week, the staff recognizing them as we sat down without waiting for a host.

“This is the only diner open after games that actually has good food,” Joshua whispered in my ear. “It’s a heavily kept secret among the soccer team, we only tell the freshmen at the end of the season. There’s actually a full ritual to swear you into secrecy or you aren’t allowed to leave.”

I knew he was joking, but his eyes were so serious that I played along. I kissed him on the cheek. “Consider that my declaration of secrecy.” He pressed his fingers to his cheek for a moment, glancing at me with distinct surprise. Joshua followed my gaze to Seungcheol and Jeonghan, who were studying the menu pretty intensely for people that were regulars. I winked at Joshua.

“Okay, but how do you guys keep this place a secret?” I asked louder.

Seungcheol peeked up, seeming to sigh in relief when he saw that there was some space between us. “It’s listed online as closed at 9pm and they made a deal with the wait staff years ago to keep it that way.”

“That’s incredibly suspicious,” I said. “I love it.”

“What do you want?” Joshua asked me.

I shrugged. “You can just order for me, I would hope after three years you know what’s good on the menu.”

A few minutes later, the food appeared, despite the fact that Joshua had only just gone up to order my food. The waiter set down three players of food, apologizing saying my meal would be out in a minute. Apparently they were so regular the staff knew to put in their order the second they walked in.

I didn’t think I was too hungry, but the food smelled so good my stomach started grumbling. I didn’t think it was noticeable, but Joshua slid his plate in front me.

“I ordered the same thing, anyways,” he said when I frowned at him.

“You just played a game, you should eat.”

“You just had practice, you should eat.”

I stared him down but he stared right back.

“Can one of you just eat so this isn’t weird anymore,” Jeonghan said. I looked and saw both he and Seungcheol were hovering over their food, watching us.

“Go ahead,” Joshua said, folding his arms.

I frowned at him until I had an idea. I pulled the plate closer to me, sticking the fork and loading a good amount of food onto it. I turned to Joshua, holding the fork to his face.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Getting you to eat!” I heard Seungcheol snort trying to hold back his laugh. “Open up!”

Joshua glanced at his friends, for the first time looking embarrassed. He did this to himself. Finally, he opened his mouth, letting me stick the food into his mouth. I could feel his glare as I turned back to the plate, satisfied I had been successful, digging into the food. Not long after, the other plate was delivered and we were too absorbed in eating to talk.

I understood why the boys had kept this place such a well hidden secret. The food was so good I couldn’t imagine having the secret for so many years. I grinned at Joshua, realizing just how good my choice in fake boyfriends had been.

It wasn’t like I had many options. I had plenty of friends, most of them in athletics. But Joshua was the only one that I trusted enough to be not only the person that I was publicly with, but also the person that I could actually talk to about my life. He was my fake boyfriend, but he was also my friend.

The rest of dinner was uneventful, the most excitement coming from Seungcheol grimacing when the waiter asked about the match. We were just about ready to go when Joshua went to the bathroom. I was left sitting across from Seungcheol and Jeonghan, both of whom had expressions I couldn’t decipher.

“So,” Jeonghan said as soon as Joshua was out of earshot. “You told Joshua how you felt first?”

“Yes,” I said slowly. “Are we really back on this?”

Seungcheol glanced behind them, checking to see that Joshua really was gone. As soon as the bathroom door was shut, he leaned over the table. “Thank god, do you know how exhausting it was to listen to him pine for the past two years? Seriously, he pretended like he wasn’t, but it was so obvious.”

“Yn, do you understand how painful these past two years have been?” Jeonghan asked. “This idiot has made our life hell because of you. I cannot count how many times I woke up to his 2 am depression spam of debating whether he should tell you how he felt or not. Actually, I’m pretty sure he did it, like, last week.”

“I am begging you, please, for our sanity, never break up with him,” Seungcheol said. “He’s an idiot but he genuinely cares about you, and I can’t bear to put up with him pretending like he isn’t pining after you literally every day.”

They were so serious I almost believed them. I opened my mouth to tell them to stop teasing, but then I saw Joshua emerge from the bathroom. It was all I could do to smile back as he walked over, clearly expecting everyone to be ready to go.

Seungcheol and Jeonghan stood up, all signs of desperation completely gone, leaving me to follow them quietly to the car. Joshua noticed something was wrong immediately, squeezing my hand and not letting go even when we got into the car. The car ride was filled with Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s banter, Joshua piping in a couple of times but mostly worrying over me as I replayed Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s words in my head.

When we reached my apartment, he followed me out of the car, telling the guys that he would walk me to my door.

“What happened?” He asked as soon as the car door was shut.

“You need to tell them the truth,” I said as we walked towards the building.

“What?”

“They just tried to tell me that you’ve been in love with me for the past two years, and they were really good at it, like, I seriously almost believed them, but clearly they aren’t believing us, so you should just tell them the truth so they don’t get any more upset and do something even more insane.”

Joshua was quiet a moment. “They really said that?”

I rolled my eyes. “They begged me not to break up with you.”

“They must have thought they were hilarious,” Joshua said. He sounded like he was still processing it. I was still processing it, not quite sure what his two best friends were trying to do. He was quiet the entire elevator ride up. I don’t know when, but I realized we had stopped holding hands.

He still walked me to my door. “I’ll tell them the truth as soon as I go back,” he said. “I… I’m sorry they did that to you.”

I stood next to him for a moment, trying to think of what I should say. He avoided my eyes, staring at the floor, and I felt like I should comfort him, tell him… something. But in the end there was nothing to say, and the last I saw of him was his sad back retreating down the hall.

“Dropping out is a mistake, right?”

“Yn, you’re on an athletic scholarship,” Joshua said. “You can’t drop out.”

I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling of the apartment. I wondered why so many ceilings were textured. I could feel my hands running over the surface, the ridges digging into my hands. Did my apartment have ceilings like this?

“Okay, but what if I don’t graduate?”

“Your grades are fine, you just showed them to me.” I wondered how Joshua could be so focused, as I continued to pester him with questions. I turned to my side to study him, laying on his stomach and switching between reading a textbook and scribbling color coded notes.

I first met Joshua during our freshman year when we had a class together. Technically I’d seen him around campus before, both of us participating in summer training for our respective sports, but we weren’t formally introduced until that day in class. We bonded over missing classes because of games and scrambling to keep up with our insane schedules as freshmen. I was amazed then as I was now at how perfect his notes were.

I knew his secret: his notes might be organized, but his thoughts rarely were. Having peer edited his papers, I felt like I knew exactly what sort of student Joshua was, which was why I should have been incredibly annoying to him right now, when we were supposed to be studying and I was, instead, doing everything in my power to distract him.

“Don’t you think you should support me? I mean, I am fake dating you,” I said. It was nice to be somewhere that I could say it out loud. It had been over a week since Joshua had told Seungcheol and Jeonghan, who had taken it surprisingly well. Though I wasn’t sure they weren’t stink eyeing me behind my back, they at least let me come over for fake dates, which was what today was supposed to be except Joshua had a quiz he needed to study for.

I was supposed to be studying as well but I had no motivation to do so, especially when teasing Joshua was so much easier.

“Don’t you think you should support me?” He asked, finally turning to face me. “I mean, your fake boyfriend is going to be put on academic probation if he fails this quiz.”

“You have not failed a quiz in your life,” I said.

“Yeah, because I study,” he said, but he closed the textbook anyways. “Clearly that’s not going to happen with you around.”

I sat up and beamed at him. “See isn’t this so much better!”

He shook his head, but I could still see him smile. “Wait here,” he said, placing a gentle hand on my arm. He stood up, disappearing into his room for a moment before sitting down in front of me and setting down a little box.

“I was going to give this to you later, but since you’re so determined to get attention, here.” He opened the box. Nestled inside were two little beaded bracelets, clearly handmade. They were almost identical, alternating shades of blue with a little heart charm in the middle. The only difference between them was the letters next to the heart. One had HJ, and the other my own initials.

“I know it’s cheesy, but I thought couples bracelets could be proof,” Joshua said. “Like, if anyone doesn’t believe us, you could just point to it and be like ‘see, we both have them.’”

I picked them up, caressing them between my fingers. “Did you make these?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, it started as a joke with my high school teammates but somehow we all ended up with them for our backpacks, and- are you okay?”

I had been fighting the tears that had forced their way to my eyes but him asking sent me over the edge. The traitorous tears pushed down my cheeks, out of my control. Joshua was hesitant at first, but wrapped his arms around me entirely when I pulled on his sleeve, bracelets curled in my fingers. I buried my face in his shoulder, more embarrassed that I was crying over bracelets than actually sobbing. His gentle hands rubbing my back only made it harder to stop the tears.

I had promised myself that I wouldn’t compare Joshua to Nam-Il the day after we started fake dating. It wasn’t fair to Joshua, since he wasn’t actually my boyfriend, and I wanted to move on from Nam-Il, not hold on to everything that he was and expect it from my next relationship. Joshua made that impossible, by being the sweetest, best boyfriend he could, even if it was fake.

He was nothing but sweet and kind, and I was using him to… what? Piss off my ex? Show him that I didn’t care about him anymore? It wasn’t fair to Joshua, who deserved someone that genuinely cared about him.

“If they were that ugly, you could have just told me,” he whispered in my ear when I finally stopped crying.

How could he make me laugh so easily?

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he said, “But I’m here if you do.” I realized I was still wrapped in his embrace. The selfish part of me wanted to stay there where it was safe and I could hide, but I gathered up my courage and pushed myself out of his arms.

“I just keep realizing that Nam-Il was pretty much a waste of the past two years,” I said. “Like, I invested so much time and energy into the relationship, and I realized he never once made something for me. Like, he’d buy gifts and everything, but I don’t think he ever really thought about doing something like this.”

After a pause, I added, “Not that I’m comparing you two. I mean, this is a fake relationship. But the fact that you are a better fake boyfriend than he was a real boyfriend just makes me question everything about how I spent the last two years. He said I overthink things, and I think he was right because I can’t help but think that I ruined it, that I spent too much of our relationship thinking and not enough doing, or telling him how I felt instead of worrying that his feelings might be hurt, or he might not understand.

“And I feel horrible because you deserve to real date someone, someone that isn’t a mess and isn’t…” Me.

I felt brave enough to meet his eyes. He was staring at me with a little frown. “Yn, are you still upset that your ex started dating someone so soon after you broke up?”

“No, I realized today that I’m not mad at him anymore, just myself.”

“Yn do you want to fake breakup?” His expression was unreadable.

“It’s what you deserve.”

“But do you want to fake breakup?”

I chewed on my lip. I knew the answer, but that wasn’t enough, I had to have a reason why. Why didn’t I want to break up with him? It wouldn’t change anything, we were still friends. But the thought of breaking up, even though it was fake, was scarier than my actual breakup with Nam-Il.

I shook my head.

“Then we don’t fake breakup,” he said, pulling the bracelets out of my hand and sliding the one with my initials onto his wrist. He held up the other one for me.

“That’s not fair to you,” I mumbled.

“How about I decide that, and you decide what’s best for you? Because right now, I think those are the same thing.” He gently picked up my hand, setting the bracelet in it. “I won’t make you wear it if you don’t want to. And if you really do want to fake breakup then that’s fine. But, yn.” He squeezed my hand. “You deserve someone who loves all of you and loves everything that you are and never lets you forget it, okay? I know you aren’t ready for a relationship yet, but when you are, don’t ever forget that.”

He was looking at me with such an intense gaze, I could feel my heart beating in my throat, and wondered if just maybe that person might one day be him.

Joshua hadn’t kissed me since the first day. It had been four weeks and five days since then, and while I wasn’t obsessed with the idea of kissing him, every once in a while, when we were walking or studying together, I would catch a glimpse of his lips and remember how strangely perfect the kiss had been. I wondered if he ever thought about it either. He had kissed me on the cheek plenty of times, though it wasn’t the same.

I caught his arm before he could get too far away from me. I was so tempted to press a kiss against his lips, just to see the look of surprise on his face, but turned at the last second, pressing it on his cheek. I laughed at the stain the dark blue lipstick I was wearing left, wiping it off with my thumb.

“For luck,” I said when he raised his eyebrows. “You better win.”

“What have I been saying this entire season?” He smiled, a hint of cockiness to his attitude. “Nothing mattered until now.” I smacked his arm, laughing at his cheesiness. We stood in the stadium, near the gate to enter the field. Joshua wore his warmups, his uniform safely tucked away in his bag behind the bench. I was hardly the only one there early, more than a few people in the stands ready to cheer, and some like me, chatting with players.

“I can’t be the only one going to nationals in this relationship,” I said. I was still reeling in the pure ecstasy of our win the night before that had sealed our ticket to playing in the national tournament. It was hardly a guarantee that we’d win; in fact, our chances were pretty low as a lower seeded team. But going meant that my career wasn’t quite over, that I could hold on to the sport I loved more than anything for just a few weeks longer. It was enough to make me giddy.

He tapped my nose. “You’re starting to become a little cocky.”

“That’s what happens when you win and you’re going to nationals.” I grinned at him.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said, but he said it with a fond smile and I knew he was joking. He glanced at the timer, coming closer to the 60 minute mark. He would have to go to start warmups soon.

I squeezed his hand, trying to be serious. “You’ll win.” He stared at the ground, looking like he believed me, so I said it again. “You will win, and we will both go to nationals, and obviously we’ll win there too, and we’ll be a power couple like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively.”

He laughed, but the smile didn’t remain for long. “Would you still date me if we lost?”

My cheeks felt warm as I forgot that there were people around us and that’s why he left out ‘fake.’ “Do you really think I’m that shallow?”

“You do sort of look like a groupie,” he said, gesturing to my outfit.

“Hey, this is literally your shirt!” I said. He had given me his old high school jersey as a joke, but every game I had worn it to, they had won, and I wasn’t going to break tradition now. I had even finally remembered to take the couples bracelet off of my key ring and back onto my wrist where it belonged. The blue makeup and hair ribbons in our school colors might have been a little much, but it was nothing compared to the guys I saw pregaming in the parking lot who had painted their entire bodies blue. “I think I look like a supportive partner.”

“And a cute one at that,” Joshua said, so serious that I almost didn’t think he was joking. He glanced at the timer again. “I need to go.” He paused for a moment longer in front of me, and I thought he was going to say something else, but he turned away, jogging across the field.

“If you don’t score, I’m breaking up with you!” I shouted after him. Even halfway across the field I could hear his laugh.

I settled into the front row of the stands, saving spots for the other members of the volleyball team who had promised they would come. The stands were pretty empty when warmups officially started, but at the 30 minute mark, they were buzzing with apprehension. With only five minutes left before the game, they were packed with people, mostly students, but a lot of parents, and even a few fans. Though our school wasn’t a commonly known name, their unprecedented two loss season and incredible stats from this year had gained a lot of attention. Joshua had told me that a couple of their players were in the process of being recruited for professional teams.

My own heart was hammering in my chest with more nerves than when I had played in my own playoffs the night before. At least then I had been playing, and even if we’d lost, I would have been able to say that I had done my best on the court. All I could do now was hope for the best and believe. There was something incredibly maddening about having no control.

We took the ball right at the start of the match, sending it back towards our defense first so that our players could move into better offensive positions. I watched Joshua as he moved across the field, moving back and forth across the midline until the team could get the ball farther down, pushing the other team’s defense back. Chan got a shot off but it was defended pretty easily. Neither team was going to give up without a fight.

The first half went back and forth, each team getting close to scoring but never actually getting the ball in. Jihoon had to make more than one good saves, but so did the other goalie. The crowd practically cried when the first half ended just before Jun could get a good kick on the ball.

The fifteen minute break between the halves went by quickly. I chatted with Momo, who had actually been watching for the first time since I’d started dragging her to these games. In no time they were back on the field.

I could feel how desperate both teams were to score, feeling as though I was on the field with them as our team pushed forwards past their defense. Jun, the tallest of our forwards, pushed ahead with the ball. He was practically right in front of me, which was how I could see the moment the other team’s defender crossed the line. He was behind Jun, acting as though he wanted to get the ball, but I saw as he raised his foot and dug the metal cleat onto the back of Jun’s calf, sinking the metal in and dragging his foot down.

Jun fell onto the turf immediately as Minghao practically tackled the other team’s defender to get him off Jun. Curse words were flying as the referees blew their whistles, desperately trying to stop it from turning into an all-out brawl. I found Joshua holding back Seungcheol with the help of Mingyu. He looked ready to commit a murder, and that’s when I realized I recognized the boy who had cleated Jun.

He had been on our team until last year.

The referees finally got the boys to calm down, sending them to their respective benches as the trainer was able to get Jun on his feet. Minghao and Chan helped him hobble to the table where she could actually treat his wound.

The crowd was a mess. I was pretty sure that some of the tipsy students were trying to break out and start a fight with the other team’s crowd, while others were chanting that the kid should be expelled, while others were looking rather sick at the gore that was right in front of them. I felt helpless as I watched the boys glare across the field while the other team was clearly yelling at the boy.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Jun was finally out of eyesight, hoping he could be treated without the prying eyes of the full stands and suffering even more trying to make sure he didn’t look like he was in too much pain. I didn’t know him very well, but he was nice, and he loved to play soccer. I wondered how deep the cleats had torn, and what his recovery would be like.

An injury like that was chilling to watch, especially for an athlete. It was a reminder not to take what you have for granted.

The referees announced the expulsion of the player quickly, giving Minghao a yellow card for “aggressive behavior.” As the boys stepped back onto the field, I could tell the atmosphere was different. I had been at the game where Chan got rocked by a defender and had to sit out because they were worried he might have a concussion. This was worse than that, the players on the field looking like sharks ready to pounce on the first source of blood. Even Joshua, my sweet, kind (fake) boyfriend who I had only ever seen angry once because his roommates locked him out, was glaring at the other team.

If they had been desperate before, it was nothing compared to now. The second the referee blew the whistle, they were pushing down the field. I winced any time they came near the other team's defense, but no fouls were called. Within the first two minutes of the game starting again, the ball was being passed between Chan and Minghao, back and forth, dodging around a couple defenders, moving closer to the goal, then sent back to Joshua near the midline, who took it up the field on his own, pulling the defenders to him before shooting it back up to Chan, who was waiting by the corner of the six yard box, changing the trajectory of the kick so instead of sailing past him, it was going to the goal.

The other goalie made a dive for the ball.

He was too late.

Cheers erupted on the field and in the stands, even Momo beside me shouting. Chan made it halfway across the field before his teammates lifted him off his feet. It took a couple minutes for them to settle down and reset, but the 1-0 on the screen was more comfort than I could imagine.

They only grew more cocky as the game continued and the score didn’t change. With only ten minutes left, the other team was trying everything they could, but nothing got past Seungcheol and Mingyu’s infamous Great Wall defense, and the little that could was stopped by Jihoon.

If they had calmed down about the incident, Jun hobbling back to the bench with five minutes left wound them right back up. All they had to do was hold the score, but I watched as Soonyoung pushed the ball downfield, passing it to Minghao. Our offense was definitely different without Jun, but they weren’t any less determined.

The Minghao-Chan duo were back at it, passing the ball between each other and dancing around the defense. With three minutes and twelve seconds left in the game, Minghao took a shot. It was deflected by a defender, but when he tried to send it back downfield to his teammates, Seokmin was there, intercepting the ball and sending it right back to Minghao, who took another shot and this time there was no defender to stop him.

I would have sworn that the screams could be heard all the way back to the other team’s home field as we cheered in the stands. A 2-0 lead with less than three minutes left in the game, all they had to do was hold on and they’d be the champions. It was so close I could already feel the win.

The energy on the field was immeasurable as the defense somehow locked up even further, doing their best to prevent the ball from even crossing the midline. When the clock hit one minute remaining, the other team pulled their goalie onto the field, and they made some headway, pushing up to our goal with thirty seconds left.

One kick from Seungkwan was all it took to send the ball soaring back down the pitch, their defense scrambling to get back in time.

I grinned as we counted down the clock in the stands.

“Ten!”

To their credit, the other team didn’t give up, catching up to the ball and trying to get into an offensive position

“Nine!”

Seungcheol and Mingyu refused to let a ball pass them.

“Eight!”

Joshua got the ball, taking it down field with him towards the other team’s goal.

“Seven!”

He kicked it to Seokmin.

“Six!”

Seokmin took it even further.

“Five!”

He passed it back to Joshua, who immediately sent it to Minghao.

“Four!”

Minghao faked a shot, sending it instead to Seokmin.

“Three!”

Seokmin sent it to Chan.

“Two!”

Chan swung his leg, sending the ball into the air.

“One!”

The ball seemed to stop in midair, just for a second. We held our breath as the buzzer began to ring, the ball floating, floating, floating, hovering just over the hands of the goal, and flying into the back of the net.

I couldn’t hear, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, doing my best to cheer with the crowd as the boys swarmed the field, hugging each other for a moment before going to their bench and lifting up Jun. I was pretty sure the trainer was having an aneurysm as they tossed him into the air, but they set him back down and even across the field through all the cheering, I could hear his laugh.

It took a while for the stands to clear, and even longer for the boys to emerge from the changing rooms. I waited against the wall, still grinning. I couldn’t quite believe that we really both were going to nationals. It felt a little bit like fate, except, of course, we weren’t actually together.

That was the problem, though. The lines had gotten blurred at some point, I couldn’t tell when, and I found myself forgetting that it was fake, forgetting why it was ever fake in the first place.

When I saw Joshua, I stopped thinking. He was grinning, pulling me into a hug that lifted me off my feet as soon as he saw me. I held on as tightly as I could until he set me down.

“Told you so,” I said. I felt as happy as I had last night, no, happier, because last night there was still a chance that he might not be able to feel the same way I did now.

“We only could win because of you,” he said. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Only if it’s true.” I laced my fingers with his as he started walking to the parking lot. We trailed behind Seungcheol and Jeonghan and I was suddenly sad that he lived with his teammates. I wanted to cling to this night just a little bit longer.

“Is Jun okay?”

Joshua shrugged. “He’ll probably be out for the rest of the season, but the trainer said he should be okay. They’re taking him to the emergency room to make sure it didn’t tear any tendons or anything, but I think she said it didn’t go too deeply into his muscles. The idiot wanted to watch the end of the game before he left.”

“The guy that cleated him... he used to play here, didn’t he?” Joshua didn’t answer for a long moment, glaring at the ground.

“Yeah,” he finally said. “The official word is that he transferred after last season.”

I wasn’t sure if I should press him for more, but curiosity got the better of me. “What really happened?”

“He was kicked off,” Joshua said. He didn’t elaborate any further, and I realized it was definitely not my place to ask more.

Joshua walked me to my car in silence. I wondered if he was upset that I asked about what happened. I leaned against the car door, not quite ready to say goodnight to him.

“How does it feel to be regional champion?” I asked. “You’re going to nationals.”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Joshua smiled at me, a genuine smile, no sign that we had been talking about anything upsetting. He leaned against the car beside me, though neither of us had anything to say.

“Seungcheol is probably going to invite the team to celebrate tonight if you want to come,” Joshua said.

I turned to meet his eyes in the streetlights, head brushing against his shoulder. The orange lights cast a strange haze over him, as if I was looking at him in a dream.

“We have practice tomorrow morning.” I sighed. “Coach said nationals prep starts immediately.”

Joshua didn’t say anything, but I think he knew what I didn’t say, just as I knew what he was thinking.

I want to be with you.

I want you to be with me.

He stayed a few moments longer, but eventually Jeonghan shouted that they were going to leave without him and he said a quick goodnight, kissing me on the forehead and sprinting to catch up with the car because Seungcheol had started to pull out of the lot.

I felt strange driving home alone, like there was something I forgot to tell him. Coach wasn’t joking about nationals prep; when I got back, Momo told me that she sent an email saying that we needed to be at lifting at 6 and practice would start at 7.

“Why so early?” I moaned into my pillow.

“You know Coach, she’s probably going to make us go to study hall after,” she said from the doorway of my room. “You should go to sleep soon, it’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

I sat up, reminding myself that I loved volleyball. I took a quick shower, then crawled back into bed. I sent Joshua a quick text telling him to be safe and drink lots of water, then let myself drift off to sleep, hanging on to the memory of him spinning me in his arms.

I woke up to a bright light. At first I thought it was morning, but when I opened my eyes, I realized it was my phone screen. I reached over to turn it off but when I picked it up I realized Joshua was calling me.

“Yn!” He said, slurring just a little. “Hi!”

“Joshua? Are you okay?” I sat up, checking the time on my clock. It was only 11:30 pm.

“I’ve never been better,” he said. “But we’re playing drink or dare and I don’t know how many drinks I’ve had so they made me do the dare.”

“Drink or dare?”

“You drink or you do a dare.”

“That makes sense,” I said, sitting up. I was still fighting sleep. “You were dared to call me?”

“I was dared to call you to tell you to pick me up.”

“Aren’t you at your apartment?”

“Yeah, I was dared to call you to tell you to pick me up and take me back to your place.”

“Oh,” I said. I was definitely awake now.

“You don’t have to actually come,” he said. I could hear some groans in the background. “Though I think they might still make me drink.”

“I’m on the way,” I said, getting out of bed and stretching. I hung up, trying not to think about how early I had to be up in the morning as I put on a sweatshirt and grabbed my keys. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was doing, but I could still hear Joshua’s voice when he thought I had hung up and whispered, “I love you.”

He was drunk and probably didn’t even realize he said it. He probably wasn’t even saying it to me. So why did I want it to be true?

The drive took eight minutes at this hour. I stepped out of the car and immediately regretted not bringing pants, shivering in the late October air while I waited for someone to let me into the apartment.

Maybe I had hallucinated it; it wouldn’t have been the first time I’d sleepily imagined his voice, though never those words. I couldn’t forget that, real or exhaustion-induced hallucination.

“Yn!” Jeonghan opened the door, dragging me in with an arm over my shoulder. I was surprised he didn’t smell like alcohol, until I remembered that Joshua said he didn’t drink very often. He pulled me through the entryway to where the entire soccer team was spread out, some of them on the couch, most sprawled on the floor. There were a few other people I recognized, friends of teammates, a couple people that I knew were dating players.

Joshua was laying on the floor, looking like he definitely had too much to drink. Jeonghan finally let go of my arm as I crouched over him. He opened his eyes and smiled and my heart did a couple flips.

“Hi,” he said. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“You called me, dummy,” I said, tugging on his sleeve to get him to sit up. He almost knocked me down by leaning on me to sit up, and I somehow ended up half in his lap.

“I live here,” he said.

“You do, but you called me to pick you up.”

“That’s because we’re dating and I missed you.”

“That’s very sweet, but if you weren’t actually serious about coming home with me then I need to go because I have practice in the morning.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist, tucking his head into my shoulder. “Don’t go!”

“Then come with me,” I said, very aware of how many people were watching us. Though everyone knew how long we had been together, and Joshua had even slept over on my couch a couple times before, it felt bold to be (metaphorically) standing in front of him asking him to come home with me, especially with the half drunk audience.

“Joshua,” I tapped him on the shoulder because I wasn’t completely sure he wasn’t asleep. “Let’s go.” He loosened his arms enough so that I could stand, dragging him up with me. He latched on to my arm, surprisingly stable on his feet as we walked down the hall, sliding his shoes on and following me to the car. I was happy he clearly wasn’t going to notice how red my cheeks were as a couple of his teammates cheered and Seungcheol said, “be safe.”

Joshua practically fell into the front seat of my car. For an athlete, he wasn’t particularly graceful. I couldn’t help but smile as he fumbled with the seat buckle. I watched him struggle for a couple moments before shaking my head, leaning over him and clicking it into place. I turned my head to the side just slightly and realized how close I was to Joshua’s face, our noses about to brush together.

“You smell nice,” he said. I fought every urge not to glance at his lips because I was pretty sure if I did I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from leaning forward and pressing a kiss onto them. I knew I should probably stand up and drive home, but I stayed for a few more seconds, holding my breath when he lifted his hand to my face, running his thumb over my cheekbone, fingers gently caressing my jaw.

“You are the only one in my heart,” Joshua said. “Did you know that?”

I froze, staring into his eyes which were fixed on me as if he really was in love.

“We’re not going to break up because I didn’t score, right?”

Despite the fact that he had just made my heart do an entire acrobatic routine, I couldn’t help but laugh lightly, leaning back and patting his shoulder. “No, we are not going to fake break up.” I stepped out of the car, watching him slowly fall asleep.

I hadn’t misheard him earlier. He said ‘I love you.’ He told me how he felt in the most romantic way possible, albeit drunk, then proceeded to fall asleep. I couldn’t help but laugh, until I was hit by another realization.

This wasn’t a new emotion for him. I remembered how easily we fit together, how he didn’t deny that he wanted to date but said fake dating me wasn’t going to hurt him, the bracelets, Seungcheol and Jeonghan telling me that it had been two years and begging me not to break his heart, how quickly he said yes that first day I asked him to be my fake boyfriend. I remembered spending our first semester together, closer to him than to anyone else I had met, up until I started dating Nam-Il. We weren’t as close after that, and I realized that he probably pulled away, not wanting to get hurt.

I was an idiot.

An idiot for not ever realizing it, an idiot for not realizing how I felt.

I stared at him, sitting in my car, smiling just a tiny bit in his sleep. I loved him. Everything was clear now, the racing in my heart when he did something as simple as smile at me, how holding his hand never failed to ground me in reality, how fake dating him for the past month and a half made me happier than two years with my ex.

I loved him.

I stood outside the door to my apartment, key in my hand. The plan was so much easier in my head at 5 am when he was snoring on my couch, when I was at lifting, when I was at practice, when I was sneaking out of study hall. Not when I was about to walk into my apartment with no idea if Joshua was still there, ready to confront the fact that 1. he was in love with me and 2. I was a little in love with him too.

I took a deep breath, turning the key in the lock and stepping inside, setting my volleyball bag down in the entryway with my shoes. I couldn’t figure out how to breathe normally as I peeked over to the couch.

He was still there, sitting up and frowning at me. He looked adorable. “Yn? Did I sleep here?”

I laughed. “Yeah, I’m guessing you don’t remember much from last night, huh?”

“We won,” he said with a smile. “And I remember Seungcheol tried to kill me with shots. After that it’s kind of hazy.”

I sat next to him on the couch. Joshua had been my safe place for the past couple months, and I wasn’t sure how to act around him now. Logic said that what I was ready to tell him would be something he wanted to hear, something he’d been waiting to hear for a long time. Why was I still so nervous?

“You don’t remember calling me?”

He shook his head. “I remember… I don’t remember anything.”

I was almost ready to chicken out, but Joshua met my eyes and smiled. There was nothing new about it, the same soft smile, eyes turned up into little moons.

“You called at like 11:30 to have me pick you up,” I started. “And when I got to your apartment you were sleeping on the floor.”

“Wait, why did I call you to pick me up if I was at my apartment?” Joshua looked so cute frowning.

“You know, I don’t really get that either, but apparently you were playing a drinking game and I’m guessing it was supposed to be something like a booty call but considering you were sleeping on the floor when I got there I don’t think anyone really thought anything was going to happen.

“After I finally got you up, which by the way you are way heavier than you look, we got into my car and I literally had to strap you in.” I paused, glancing at him. “You still don’t remember any of this?”

He shook his head, but I could tell from his frown he wasn’t saying something.

“Well, first you said I smelled nice, which I guess was a compliment because you smelled like tequila, but then you said something else.”

His lips formed a little o. “It wasn’t a dream,” he breathed. I don’t know how he held my gaze as I watched him go through almost every emotion possible, shock, guilt, fear.

“Yn,” he said slowly. “I don’t know how to say this, clearly, and last night was definitely not how I intended for you to find out how I feel. I understand if you are uncomfortable with our… relationship and I don’t want you to feel trapped by anything, I just-”

“Joshua,” I said, placing my hand gently on his wrist. “Can you tell me again?”

“I-” He frowned. “What?”

“Can you say it not super drunk?”

“Yn, I love you.” The words came quickly, like he’d been holding them back for a long time. “I’ve been in love with you for the past two years and I know it’s not fair because you only asked me to be your fake boyfriend, but being together, even though it wasn’t real, felt right and you deserve to know that someone loves you, that I love you.” He looked so earnest, so honest, hands curling into fists instead of picking up mine, never once turning away from my eyes.

“I love you, too,” I said, voice barely stronger than a whisper. “Did you know that you’re a really good fake boyfriend? I meant what I said last time: you’d make a really good boyfriend to someone. I finally realized that I want that person to be me.”

Joshua was frozen for a second. “You really mean it?”

I laughed, nodding. “It’s not just because you are a good fake boyfriend. You are the first person that I think to call when something happens, whether it’s good or bad, the first person that I think about when I wake up and the person that I fall asleep dreaming about, and I know it’s pretty much the cheesiest thing I could say, but you are a dream I never want to wake up from, I want you, for real.”

Joshua grinned and it was a smile I had never seen before, pure happiness that pulled me up with him. He finally reached out, hands sliding up my arms, brushing his fingers over my shoulders, then coming to cup my cheeks, leaning forwards and pressing his forehead against mine.

“This isn’t a dream, right?”

I shook my head.

“Good, because I only want to kiss you if it’s real.”

“Then kiss me,” I breathed, and he did.

Like our first kiss, I forgot everything, how to think, how to breathe. I could only wrap my arms around his neck and try to pull myself a little closer to him, feeling every second of his patience of the two years crumbling away in the kiss. I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine as he pulled away, just a couple inches, to meet my eyes again, staring at me like he still couldn’t believe this was real.

I pressed a quick kiss onto his smile, laughing at the slow reaction of his emotions, tucking my head to the crook of his neck where I already knew I fit perfectly. He wrapped his arms around me, not unlike how he tried to hold me the night before, except this time I had no intention of getting up.

“You know this all went according to my plan,” he said. I could feel his voice vibrate in his chest.

“Oh yeah?”

“I was going to woo you with my incredible boyfriend skills and make you fall in love with me.”

“You’re sort of arrogant, did you know that?” I arched my neck to see his face, tucking it back into place with a satisfied smile at his frown. “Did you have any intention of ever actually telling me how you felt in this glorious plan?”

“Actually, I planned on doing it after nationals,” he said. “But I don’t think I could have waited that long. I almost told you last night right after the game. Do you know how absolutely adorable you looked?” He pulled me off his chest just so that he could kiss me again. “That was for last night.” He kissed me again. “For the night before that because you looked so happy after you won.” He kissed me again, this time lingering and I started to feel light headed because I was too happy. “That was just because I wanted to,” he said when I finally pulled away. My face was starting to hurt from smiling. He fiddled with the drawstrings of my hoodie.

Are you hungry?” I asked. “We haven’t gone grocery shopping in like two weeks, so there kind of isn’t any food here but we could get breakfast if you wanted?”

“That sounds nice,” he said, pretending to brush a strand of hair from my face but really just used it as an excuse to rest his fingers on my cheek, not unlike what he did the night before.

“I should shower,” I said, but I didn’t move.

He nodded. “You’re kind of stinky.”

“Says the one that smells like tequila!” He laughed and kissed me one more time.

“Did that taste like tequila?”

“Hm… Maybe it was vodka,” I said, pushing out of his lap and shrieking with laughter when he chased me, catching me easily and wrapping his arms around me in another hug.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m really happy I can say it now.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “Maybe not quite as much or for as long, but I do love you.” I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding on as tightly as I could.

I wondered what it would have been like if he had told me how he felt before I started dating Nam-Il. Would we have dated all through college? Would we have been able to stay happy, keep each other happy?

I didn’t believe in fate, but I think maybe me and Joshua were meant to be, not because of some unwritten destiny, but because we had gone through so much to be together. I laid my head over his heart and listened to its steady thumping. I closed my eyes, and decided that I would spend the rest of my life here, in the arms of the person that loved me the most, and the person that I loved the most.

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