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fatedmus3s · 1 year

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A Mission Gone Wrong

Summary: It's the first mission the Winter Soldier and Black Widow take together after the scientists brainwashed Natasha. They instilled complete and utter obedience in her. So with renewed efficiency and effectiveness, there's no way this can go wrong...

Word Count: 9,440 words

He'd run across her alone once more after he saw her in the sparring room. Nothing had changed, so he stayed the course. James had stayed as warm as he could without prompting questions from her, not leading her to more questions. It had been some time, and he had been unsure until this morning that he'd made the right decisions. Surely after this long, they would have returned her to her regular schedule and place in the organization if they trusted her?

Yet it had been so long, doubt had crept in. Until today, James was told he would be going on a critical mission (those he found when he could think so freely were the most dangerous ones). An important task, and finally- he was to have a partner on it. That could only mean one person.

He got in his vest and tactical gear, slipping the weapons where they needed to be thoughtlessly, fighting hard against the Soldier's mentality when he had just been given a mission. If his partner was indeed Natalia, as she usually was... then he needed to control himself and not be cold. That would only set her back.

She needed his warmth, and he fought the sharp focus easier with that knowledge. She needed him, and he wouldn’t allow himself to let her down again. He stepped into the room… and a surge of... something, something light and warming washed over him to see Natalia preparing as well.

He was sure they must be under observation at this stage, so he decided to act normally until they were in the field.

"You have been briefed?" He asked in his monotone, even if he couldn't dispel the warmth in his eyes entirely. He picked up the packet of information now that he felt more in control of himself around her. Enough to really soak in the details.

That time she reported early to the guards. Like she was eager to please them. She didn't want the trouble of finding them too late. She hadn't slept like she actually intended to do but seemed calmer. Her usual confusing thoughts made a bit more sense to her.

The Black Widow had been questioned about what she had done and who she had met that day. Truthful answers spilled from her mouth, telling them of her brief encounter with the Winter Soldier. They listened intently and she had been brought to the chair. But this time, the heavy headpiece wasn’t strapped as tightly and it was only used once instead of continuously with no end. It was still painful enough she dug splinters into he skin, gripping onto the chair but… it was almost merciful to Natalia.

The second encounter had been more straightforward for her. Again it had been a random one. But her thoughts were making more sense and she didn't feel the white fog trying to push everything away. Things simply slipped, and she learned that if she didn't pester them, the pain stayed away.

Still, she seemed scattered compared to her usual self. The Black Widow had searched for a place to be alone, away from everyone, to sort her thoughts. She did that a lot lately - making sense of some weird ideas.

The Widow stood with her back to the door. Like always, she knew he had entered the room before he said something. Their first encounter since they took her away was only a blur to her. She remembered seeing him but not what had happened. But that was okay; she found that lack of knowledge pretty comforting. It happened a lot, but she didn't tell them when they asked her. Yet they seemed to know and were satisfied with that result.

"Yes, Soldier," she replied. She had been brought to her new handlers, who explained what she had to do. They had described it in such detail that she thought they believed she had gone stupid. What struck her was the fact they insisted on her understanding that the Winter Soldier would have the last word in everything. She was to respond to his orders like a soldier herself. She curtly nodded at them, giving her okay before they sent her to take on her gear.

She holstered her gun to her thigh and finally turned to him. Her gaze was calculating. Her whole presence was cold and she seemed almost bored. She stood straighter than she usually did, the only indication that they had meddled with her mind, except for two light bruises on her wrists and a dark one on her forehead near her hairline. But the rest of her wounds had healed quickly and left no scar.

Natalia noticed his relatively warm gaze but didn't respond to it. Just a tiny notion stirred in her that this gaze meant safety. Again an odd thought, so she almost instantly let it slip.

"Are you ready? We need to go, or else we're taking too much time," she said, mimicking him when he had talked about efficiency. Her voice made it evident that she wasn't one for chit-chat anymore.

Now that he looked deeper into the details of his mission, the Soldier understood why they were allowed to work together again. Perhaps that was always the plan, but this was much too urgent to the state to allow it to be flawed. An old and respected political figure of the court many years ago was suspected of selling information for years. It hadn't affected him much, and eliminating him would have been messier than necessary for the situation. Now, as it would turn out, the old man was dying; a cancer verdict called for the end of his life.

Apparently, a dying conscious thought it wise to speak. So he was to be eliminated. Inside sources said he would be going public soon, although he hadn't told any press or officials yet. He was traveling to the capitol tomorrow, meaning he must be readying his agenda then. So he must be eliminated before he could say what he intended to do. Otherwise, the death would be suspicious.

It seemed that his trip would be by car, and he would take two days to reach the Kremlin. It would be difficult; the man would surely have his guard up, fully expect something terrible come his way. That didn’t matter, none of their preparation would stop the Soldier from achieving his mission.

He glanced at Natalia as she spoke, pulling himself back.

<"The timetable is acceptable,"> He intoned and his gaze shifted momentarily before he pulled himself back. His focus was shattered by Natalia. He could think more freely again and handed the file to her as he passed her.

<"Familiarize yourself.">

He made his way to the garage where they would need a car. He was going to need to survey maps and look for checkpoints where they would be able to turn the road trip into a tragic accident. It was going to take much preparation in the day to come.

She looked at him passively, waiting for him to move or give her further orders. Finally, her shoulders straightened as he told her to go over the file once more.

<"Yes, sir.">

She took the given file from him and read through it repeatedly like it would make more sense if she knew the whole plan by heart. Finally, the Black Widow knew what she had to do. Either distract the target from making sure they come to a stop.

Perhaps it would be efficient for her to pretend her car had broken down in the middle of nowhere and she could mime the damsel in distress. Then the Soldier would come into the game and take a simple headshot as soon as the guards were distracted. Afterwards, they could make it look like an accident. It was essential to making sure that it looked like one, or else people would grow suspicious.

He started walking, so she followed obediently.

<"We can make it look like an accident near Tapyca. There aren't people around to come to his aide,"> she suggested in a tone that ensured the Soldier would have the last word. It wasn't for her to decide about the previous perimeter but for him. Her handlers had made it clear that she was to listen to him and he would have the last word. Why they thought she couldn't deal with things alone wasn't completely clear to her, but perhaps they simply wanted to make sure they succeeded. They did have a reasonable success rate together, after all.

The Black Widow kept her gaze still on the file until she was sure she knew every little detail of the file. Then, she waited for more orders.

<"We will scope the area,"> He agreed and took a moment in the garage before deciding this wouldn't be good enough. He walked around the cars and checked Natalia was still behind him before he stopped at the motorcycle. He reached into one of his vest pockets and pulled out the two-way receiver- that until he needed it, he didn't realize he had- and commed in. <"Asset to detour to stock-hold three.">

<"Asset cleared."> Was the scratchy response.

<"RRA Widow in tow,"> He explained the response came after long deliberation.

<"Widow cleared.">

He turned it off and put the radio away in the vest again.

<"We need better equipment,"> He said in the way of explanation, as it occurred to him Natalia was behind him. He slipped too easily into his missions.

He got onto the bike and nodded to indicate for her to follow him. It was the fastest and easiest to dodge until they reached stock-hold three. Then they could get the proper equipment for this level of operation. The directions seemed to come to him when he thought about it, although he had no idea where he had gotten the information.

She watched the scene and looked perplexed as he moved to the motorcycle. That's not how she had imagined this mission to go. For a moment, she stood there quietly, falling back to her introverted self before hearing him speak. The Black Widow thought he had spoken to her for a moment, but he apparently wasn't.

Once he explained that they needed better equipment, she nodded shortly. Romanova was sure he knew best and swung her leg around the motorcycle to sit behind him. This closeness felt familiar, even though she couldn't tell why. Soon, the familiarity was forgotten as her mind was set on their current mission.

<"We need blunt equipment. Knives and guns will draw unwanted attention,"> she told him as she placed her hands on his sides so she could hold onto him while they drove. Using both weapons would indicate that it hadn't been a car accident but someone had sabotaged the politician. They needed to move quickly and efficiently so neither his security nor the politician knew what was going on.

<"Yes," > He responded. She was correct; he couldn't physically harm them either. The man wasn't the problem. It was the security. They didn't need to worry about the investigation; officials would take care of that. It was the press coverage that it would need to look flawless to.

<"We need a vehicle similar to theirs, as well,"> He called back to her. Once they took down the guards, they'd need one to set up; it was a collision. A failure of the vehicles, perhaps. He opened the bay doors and revved the motor to life before he pulled out of the academy. The guards opened the gate and he slipped past them with ease.

As they paused before getting on the freeway, he reached down and pulled her hands tighter around his waist instead of simply on the sides. For obvious reasons, the bike hit higher speeds than it should, and he didn't want her to be surprised by it.

"We'll be going much faster, Natalia," He explained softly, surprised he'd slipped into his apparent, natural tongue.

The Soldier's mentality faded along the course of the drive, struggling to keep up with the wind whipping James' face and Natalia hugged so close behind him. Although for a moment, it didn't seem like they were two assets or that she was as lost as he was now... the pressure of retrieving her lifted... he just felt alive.

They moved past the guards and it gave her a strange thrill. Like it was her first time leaving the compound. The realization first hit in as he pulled her hands around his waist. It seemed like a silly gesture. It would take more than something like a motorcycle to knock her down on her bottom. But he was the boss, so she moved her hands like he guided them.

<"Okay..."> she replied, still using Russian despite her forgotten habit of talking in English with him.

They had done well, saying it was necessary to speak their mother tongue unless ordered otherwise or if the situation demanded that. Unfortunately, the times she had unknowingly used English with them hadn't ended well for her. They made sure she had forgotten, but the notion of leaning into Russian instead of any other language had stayed.

Romanova moved her face a bit as the air whipped cold on her skin. Now her own face was near the back of his head as she had moved it into his wake. She could smell him now and it stirred a motion in her as she leaned closer and held even tighter on him. It wasn't the fear that she might fall off the motorbike, but she simply wanted to.

His familiar smell and closeness stirred a memory in her. She was mocking him in front of the girls. No… of course, she wasn't mocking him. Romanova wouldn't dare to do such a thing, would she? She must have simply shown the girls how to improve their fighting skills. Just a small demonstration with his help.

He was acting so different to what she was used to. Then, like now, it almost seemed like the Winter Soldier in her memory was foreign to this man. The thought brought severe pain and she flinched in pain as she loosened her grip again, almost in reflex like she had burnt her fingers on him.

So she fell back into thinking about the trouble of how to kill the politician. Strangulation would leave bruises around the man's neck. With some luck, the press wouldn't mention or even spot that but chances were high that they did.

<"I think we should concentrate on how to make their car crash!"> she told him, leaning forward so he would hear her over the sound of the wind and continued <"-If we trap them like that, the press will see they crashed their own car. Others just need to be fast enough to remove the corpses and we would be able to strangle them. It might leave bruises, but that's the cleanest way. We need to get close to them and not leave any witnesses..">

She held tighter and he let off the gas minimally to enjoy it, so they were going closer to 140 mph now. He couldn't help how much he enjoyed having her so close. The knowledge that she didn't strictly need to lean in only supported the joyful feeling romping around in his chest. James felt more and more hopeful about their situation, about hers. Hope to change it and fix what happened to her. It was a sign to him that Natalia was in there, simply waiting for her time. He'd help her with that.

Natalia had been pressed close enough to his back that he felt when her body jumped minimally. He frowned, and although he couldn't take his eyes off the road, he thought about it. Something in her mind, perhaps? He didn't know, but it drew James more serious again. This mission might be too soon... for any of this.

While they put them together out of necessity, he was sure it may be a practical test to see if Natalia would return the same. If he wanted them to have more together, ones with more time... he may need to wait.

<"We can suffocate him as if it were on his own blood,"> James said simply, not persisting with the English merely because they were speaking of the mission. He could then make it, so he was bleeding internally. His arm could be made to hit hard enough that it would reflect impact with the car.

It was also difficult to switch languages back and forth when he struggled again with his focused mentality. Even Natalia could not fully drag his mind from its mission. Although when she'd stopped him from killing those men at the academy, he had paused instead of hurting her, so he took reassurance from that.

The men who had found the Academy. It clicked for him, suddenly, that those men weren't men... they... he knew them. No. James Barnes knew them. He suddenly wished for the files under the bed back at the academy to unconfuse him. He tried, though, to put names to faces... the one with the mustache especially felt familiar... Nothing. Finally, James grunted in pain and gave up.

Natalia was speaking of the mission now, which didn't help the pain. So he ended up focused on his mission instead. Although he could hardly hear her, he had to drop their speed again and shout to be heard.

<"Very good,"> He replied warmly, his mind still focused. That was his plan as well. <"The car we attain will be sufficient to ram them off the road."> With any luck, he'd die just like that. He never accounted for luck, though, he’d work with the assumption it didn’t happen. <"Then it will seem they crashed into each other. Or an animal."> Whichever lie the state came up with.

<"The difficulty is the security."> They could not be allowed to fire on them in a way that would leave evidence. Of course, bullets could be replaced and retrieved off the ground. But if it pierced anyone, they would not be so fortunate. <"No bruises that couldn't be made from a car crash,"> He responded and veered off the freeway towards the exit for the stronghold.

Romanova nodded even though he couldn't see her.

<"We simply need to get close enough to him. With some luck the security will die from the accident’s impact,"> she agreed and thought about their mission. Thinking about it was comfortable for her. It was like second nature and didn't bring the unbearable headache. So she retreated to that. For once, she started to overthink completing the ordeal. It didn't even occur to her that she usually went to improvise depending on how the situation worked out. Yet it seemed second nature to plan things out with the Winter Soldier to ensure he was alright with her own plan. It almost was an urge to do so.

Her mind snapped as he spoke warmly and looked at him. Again so strange to hear that kind of voice. It surprised her and she eyed him curiously just for a second before her gaze went calculated again.

<"Animal would be better. No hit and run and everything. The press cannot spin it into some sort of conspiracy theory,"> She told him seriously as she tried hard to keep the mindset and not get confused by the warm and almost gentle voice. She shook her head a bit. Should they also go hunting for an animal to leave a carcass there? Almost instantly, her mind screamed 'no' because there would be bullets within the roadkill but then again... The government could influence the police department into not looking into the carcass....

<"Should we go hunting for an animal they might have crashed into?"> she asked for his opinion.

<"Okay. No foreign bruises,"> she agreed and set her mind on that. Romanova held tighter on him as they exited the freeway so she wouldn't slip away from the motorcycle.

Luck wasn't pertinent to the mission. Plans needed to be made for the more challenging scenario so it could be conquered should it arise. Animals? He considered it and would tuck it away for a backup. It could explain the car crash.

Perhaps... he nodded and would have to think of the logistics. They could have the 'animal' hit the first car, and while he stopped their car, Natalia could crash their vehicle into the back ones to barricade them all together. They should have only one escort car, but it could be more.

<"Perhaps, if we have time,"> He responded. Otherwise, a deer could have hit them and ambled off. But Natalia was correct; with a carcass there, it would be easy to prove that was the culprit. The cars were speeding, perhaps swerved because of it. She voiced her understanding and his mind continued with two different plans for the mission until they arrived at the warehouse.

He checked in and they were left alone beside one escort that eyed Natalia as he selected their vehicle. He took the file and compared the makes. The Soldier nodded and took the keys and a better arsenal, offering Natalia to pick from them.

Finally, he loaded the bike into the back of the car. <"We may need to split up,"> He informed her as he closed the hatch on the black SUV. The maps he requested upon entering the facility were given to him and they were back on the road.

James slipped further and further away from being in the department and preparing the equipment for the mission. He was silent and focused on the drive there, and when they'd reached the nearest small town to the site, he parked the car in a public garage and retrieved the motorcycle so they could scope the area themselves.

Half a day later, they were finally able to scope the mission. They'd been contacted that the target had begun his journey to the capitol. He would pass here in less than a day, and the Soldier felt sure they were prepared as he looked over the scene.

<"Do you still require the animal?"> He asked, eyebrow-raising. It may be time-consuming to acquire one, but they were ahead of schedule. They worked well together.... the thought loosened his focus, pulling at the thread that was Natalia in his mind.

He glanced at her, seeing her suddenly and smiled once softly. Out here alone... he could do that openly and not need to sneak a glance.

Romanova nodded her head as he said they could do so if they still had time to do so. She thought about the possibility and what they needed to take care of. It wouldn't be about finding a suitable animal but what they needed to hunt it. They could make it look like it was hit by a vehicle. Somehow, the Winter Soldier seemed to have another plan, or so it seemed to her. It would be better to stick to his. He was in control of the mission, after all.

Subconsciously she was aware of the gaze of the guard. But her facial expression was blank, ready to follow any given order. It was almost like she had become a robot waiting for any task. Once he offered that she should pick something, she went for things that could imply that the victim was strangled to death. She ignored both knives and guns until it clicked, she might need a weapon to hunt a deer. So she secured it in the holster on her thigh. Apart from that, she was almost naked regarding tactical gear. It was clear that things weren't allowed to look like they had been shot or stabbed to death. A bruise from a strangle could look like it came from the safety belt post-mortem.

Once they were back on the road to their destination, Natalia was quieter than before. It almost seemed like she was lost in thoughts, but there weren't any. Her mind was blank except for the mission. She focused on it and made plans for any possibility of what might happen. She helped to secure the location and walked around, trying to figure out where the animals lived.

She was back and helped him with the rest. They were faster than what he seemed to have anticipated. Apparently, they were back on her idea of the mission.

<"No, I don't have a carcass yet,"> she answered, as he hadn't told her to hunt a deer yet. So she had remained from actually pursuing - just looking for them yet.

<"But about half a mile from here is a pond from which animals seem to drink. With some patience, a deer should appear,"> she told him, waiting for his approval to finally go and hunt one. She was so focused on her tasks that she didn't even notice that he had become more focused on her than the actual mission.

<"We can go together,"> He offered, his eyes sweeping the area again. It was all set up as it should be; this roadway was the only one within decent range they could pass through to get to the Kremlin.

The tree cover would be sufficient enough for him to leap out of and stop the car in front of him. Natalia could then ram into the other behind it when he jumped out of the way. He supposed the animal would do well for the cover. <"A deer or a bear would be sufficient,">. He mentioned as he headed towards the treeline.

Besides, there was much time for Natalia and him to return to the town and bring the car back here, along with the motorcycle they could depart on once it was finished.

This was the optimal time to talk to her; he still debating how far he could take things on a first mission... but he could at least enjoy it minimally. He thought about what she used to do, and usually... she just talked. Chatted about things he didn't deem necessary. Perhaps that was an excellent first step without prodding.

"Are you cold, Natalia?" He asked her, eyeing her jacket for a moment. It was likely sufficient, but it was colder in this region than that jacket probably helped.

She simply nodded and went towards the pond she had spotted hours earlier. She frowned at the mention of a bear and glanced at the Soldier. A bear would explain such damage, but those were usually smart enough to stay away from streets and humans. So the deer would be easier to hunt than the bear. <"We'll look for big animals,"> the Widow agreed and loaded her gun for the hunt.

She stopped walking and looked down at herself as soon as he asked if she was cold. Such a silly question confused her greatly. It had nothing to do with the mission, so she hadn't thought about or realized the chilly environment until now. So, why was he concerned about that in the first place? Was it essential for the mission whether or not she was warm? Almost instantly, Romanova knew that the answer to her own question was no. It was simply about her comfort, but that didn't matter in the success of the mission.

"A little... but it doesn't matter," she replied, truthfully unknowingly switching to English like he had. Romanova frowned even more as it seemed like things were becoming colder now that she thought about the weather. The urge to speak the truth to the Winter Soldier was there. They had told her two things: to do as she was told by him and to tell the truth. No tricks whatsoever.

She stopped suddenly and James turned a curious gaze towards her. She was staring, her eyes distant in a different way than the hollow look they both now shared at times. He looked at her sympathetically and just a bit guiltily. Such a strange new emotion, but Natalia bringing such things out of him shouldn't really surprise him anymore, should it?

"Yes. It does." He told her firmly, but his voice was low and soft. He was pleased she'd spoken in English, prompting a small smile from him again. Then, he snorted, amused suddenly at the warring expression on her face, wondering if it would irritate her as it would Natalia. James shrugged quickly out of his thick winter jacket. Before she could protest, he dropped it around her shoulders.

"Stay warm, Natalia," He told her and continued their walk not far from her. He had more stamina than she did, to begin with. It was more about wanting to keep her safe.

Besides, it reminded him of a time not too long ago, as they hobbled down that dark alleyway; it had been as close to something... his mind struggled with sudden, painful flashes, but as he'd coached her to do soon enough... he tried not to push James Barnes' memories away. The gesture in the alleyway, it was close to that man.

Somehow.

James glanced at her to try to alleviate some of the pain pressing down on his head. Here, with his jacket, he wasn't trying to recreate that memory; James simply wanted to show her kindness. He couldn't prod yet, but he could be kind to her as she had been to him. She'd been through so much already and was still too young to have been through what she had. Someone like her didn't deserve such things.

Romanova visibly tried to shake the feeling off of her. Cold didn't matter, but their mission's success did. Feeling cold wouldn't stop her from taking out the guards and their target like they had planned the past hours. Everything was designed to the smallest detail and she needed to stick to the plan: Making their victims look like they hadn't survived a car crash caused by an animal. Something that innocent so the government wouldn't be blamed by the press.

Her grim focus was broken in confusion again as he told her it did matter. Did it? She couldn't see any scenario where it mattered, but he was the Winter Soldier, so he was always correct from her point of view. They had told her that. They were always accurate and she was wrong. It seemed to be a spiral she couldn't escape from, even here in a field she should know well. She was wrong about something so small as the importance of being cold.

What surprised her the most was that no punishment followed the fact that she had been wrong. Instead, the Soldier remained nice, almost gentle and even lent her his jacket. That's what undid her thoughts and she looked at him, battling with his statement to stay warm.

<"You should keep the jacket, Soldier! If it's important for the mission to stay warm, then it's more important that you keep it!"> she told him sternly, but a headache came. Wearing his jacket felt familiar and like he was enveloping her in a secure hug. It felt familiar even though it shouldn't. It made her want to shed his jacket even more to escape that familiarity, but he had been clear to keep it on.

Soldier... and not Winter. He vaguely remembered her young declarations that it was not a name, and she wished not to call him it. Nevertheless, hearing that same term for him on her lips was disappointing.

Her distress pulled him from any mourning over it. She was more critical now. He had to do the work now to help her later.

"It is not for the mission Natalia," He told her simply, in English, stressing her name. He felt sympathetic again because he knew that declaration would confuse and pain her. So it did for him, but still, at times, it didn’t. Again, James wanted this to be kindness and nothing more. No reason, no necessity... James just wanted her to be warm. Safe and protected.... although he knew the latter two were not something he could promise her.

James could promise her warmth. From him... promise to find it again in her. Relight that tremendous fire that burned so brightly. He'd give anything to be burned by it right now. All this seemed like such a waste of time. They could be together, alone. He was so tempted, looking at her, thinking on that mission, to cup her face, feel her skin on his, taste her lips again... it could work. He wanted it so badly.

He knew that was fantasy. It was not how such things worked. Natalia's warmth was stolen from him and herself, and he needed to work intelligently to get it back.

"I have more stamina, I will get colder slower than you, and you are also necessary," He informed her to ease any distress she had and provide an out in a briefing. A logical reason for her to fall to, as he built in for himself. No one was better than him at that. It was necessary because he knew when they asked him, he had no choice but to answer those who controlled him. He knew he was controlled in this way by the Soldier, but James could decide what to feed the Soldier in some instances.

He'd do the same for her, even if she didn't consciously know it. It was imperative when she reported back. Until a time, they trusted her more and he could prod. For now, he felt it was safe enough to push her limit on things beyond a mission, to plant the idea there were such things without any pain attached.

It's not for the mission... It echoed in her mind and she frowned. The thought brought a headache because nothing was necessary besides the mission itself. Painful. It was not one of those light ones that she learned to live with. It was a piercing one, almost like her skull was divided into two parts; but that was irrational. No one tried to split it via force. Romanova simply flinched and brought her hand up to her temple.

She looked at him, trying to make sense of it, ut there was no reason for him to act this way towards her. Nothing about the mission like he had just stated. How he looked at her was like he was looking for something gone... It smoothed her frown and she looked back at him for a moment. Her mind wasn't occupied with the mission for a split second. It was almost like recognition sparkled in her gaze, but it was vastly replaced by confusion again.

Romanova nodded shortly and it did make sense. She wasn't as important as he was to this mission, but it would help no one if she froze. Of course, he would get his jacket back as soon as he showed signs of freezing, but she somewhat thankfully sunk into his jacket's warmth and safety. It was irrational, but it was the same feeling of security which had driven her to search for the room in which the Winter Soldier had trained.

"Okay," she agreed reluctantly and even slipped her arms into the sleeves of his jacket. She breathed in and shortly closed her eyes and a short smile appeared on her lips that was more one of Natalia than the Black Widow and her headache disappeared.

<"We're almost at the pond,"> she told him as she opened her eyes again while focussing on their mission. It made her headache go away and she seemed to relax even more.

He saw her there, under all the confusion. Or he imagined it, which was maybe more likely. Except this was Natalia, and he decided she could and would be able to. What mattered was that something was there, but he gave her the out so she wouldn't shut down or go too quickly. She'd been unstable in the sparring room; bringing her back to that point would help no one.

His mission required he didn't, too; the errant thought flickered through his mind.

James forced past it, easing the demands in his mind by looking for the animal again. He was rewarded with her smile. As she closed her eyes, her face seemed almost peaceful. James' chest warmed considerably and he watched with a certain amount of relief. Just his jacket brought out some of the closeness between them... and the hardship of this was worth seeing her smile like that again.

He refocused himself, falling in line with how well they worked together.

<"You're more silent than I,"> He told her he had never realized, but Natalia had before and commented. <"Go ahead and see if there's anything there. I will come up behind you and kill anything there."> He could make it appear as if it had been a death caused by impact and it would be safer for him to tussle with the animal if need be.

He also seemed to focus and gave her orders to go to the pond. What stopped her movement was the mention that she was more silent than he was. She hadn't realized that until now, but he was right. Every move he made was so damn loud to her. Even now, when he was standing still and breathing, he was louder than she was.

Romanova nodded and relaxed her body before she walked silently towards the pond. It was almost like she made no sound to the naked ear. Shee was sure that animals that could hear way better than they did would actually listen to her or hear them talk. So her hopes weren't that high to actually get to see an animal they could use as an excuse.

She was right about it. There were no animals around, but perhaps if she stayed really still and quiet, a deer might come their way. The Black Widow lost her sense of time as she waited quietly; it was almost like she was meditating. Finally, shortly before she wanted to return, her patience was rewarded. A smile appeared on her lips as a significant but beautiful deer appeared. It was almost too pure to be killed for something like this… but her sense of duty kicked in and she waved for the Soldier to move quickly.

The wait made him irritable and also made any control over himself slip away. Finally, he fell back beneath the surface of the Winter Soldier and he crouched down to let her wait for the animal. His focused mind went over their plans repeatedly, ensuring they were utterly efficient. Tweaking specific goals and adding backup measures.

Time didn't pass when he was like this, and it was no more or less time when she waved to him. He walked as silently as possible, but his weight and boots crunched enough as he got close that it spooked the animal. The Soldier sprung forward at that point and luckily, the pond made it run around and gave him time to catch up and finish it off.

He dragged it back to the road with her and tied it up in a tree so nothing could come to eat it before they got back. He was not sure where he knew to do that, but the information filled in as necessary.

<"We will go back now. To town. There is enough allotted time. We will bring the car back."> He informed her and retrieved the motorcycle from where they'd hidden it.

Romanova watched him spring forward and finish the animal. It didn't take long, even though he had been loud again. Finally, she left her hideout and helped him secure the carcass to a tree. She was impressed by this idea because she hadn't thought about that herself.

Once they were back at the motorcycle, she slipped out of his jacket and spoke. <"You need to warm up. The wait must've cooled your body."> That was an odd thought to her, but his earlier mention of how important it was to stay warm for the mission made her give it back to him and realize that he must feel cold by now. So again, she sat behind him with her hands placed around his midriff as they drove back to the garage.

He looked at her, slightly more thoughtful, as he took the jacket from her. His body wasn't hypothermic, so he hadn't addressed it. He didn't take note of it as long as it didn't shut down or malfunction. He didn't usually feel it either, but when he slid the jacket on, he did note his body's temperature rose.

The gesture made him smile, and he had brushed her hand purposefully when he took the coat. It wasn't incriminating, but it felt good to linger. Much better than the jacket.

Their touch and the drive back loosened his mind, but not as it had before. He was too close to his mission and had to time it out perfectly. They could not be spotted, so as they reached the garage, he turned to her and tossed her the keys. <"You will need to find a close spot to pull off and hide until they pass you. Then I will intercept on the road.">

Natalia looked back at him, unaware of him purposefully brushing his hand against hers. But it still made something jump within her and a small smile appeared on her lips. But nothing apart from the smile said that she had noticed the small motion and the tingle ran through her body by mere touch. But Romanova didn't address it because it didn't seem necessary for their mission. In fact quite the opposite. If it was anything, it would be distracting.

They’d made their way back to the nearby town without further incident, and she registered they were nearing their missions’ time frame when he parked. The Black Widow caught the keys and nodded dutifully.

<"I will make sure that they have no space to get away and escape,"> Romanova told him, focusing entirely on the mission now. They hadn’t been seen entering and could ensure the same of them leaving.

James checked his watch so they could wait the five minutes necessary to have any passersby not notice them leaving so soon after arriving. When it was time, he remained silent and got on the bike again and rechecked his motorcycle’s guages.

<"Sync our watches,"> He told her and pulled back the sleeve of his jacket to do so with her. Then he pulled a set of radios. <"Channel three."> He informed her as he tossed her the second radio and pinned the first one to his vest. <"Wait for twenty mikes out before following to the designated zone..">

She did as told, pulled up her sleeve, and ensured their watches were in sync. She caught the radio and turned it to the third channel as ordered.

<"I will wait,"> she gave him a short nod before getting into the driver's seat and waiting for him to leave before she looked at her watch to wait for the ordered 25 minutes. She sighed and checked her clock from time to time until it was time to leave. The Black Widow started the vehicle and thought about waiting one more minute, but the urge to please the Soldier's orders was more significant than the thought of staying longer.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, he had hidden the bike down the stretch of road from where they would institute the crash and circled back to where the animal was.

He'd already checked to ensure they'd left no tracks or breaks in branches or something to designate something more significant than an animal had been through. He wiped away a few of his boot prints and returned to the tree to untie the animal and heft it on his shoulders. He set it nearer the road for easy retrieval, took his rope from the tree, and repeated his steps to erase any footprints.

Then James waited.

Until he heard a car approach about a mile down the road, and, checking his watch, he assumed it was Natalia. She had not checked in yet, and he raised his radio to his face.

<"Asset to November."> He called, waiting for a response. <"Are you in place?">

The radio crackled on with the Winter Soldier asking for her perimeters. It had taken her longer than necessary to get in place. There had been a slow car in front of her but Romanova had known better than to overtake the car. It would only raise suspicion but perhaps she was only getting paranoid. Two minutes later she finally pulled into a hideout which seemed big enough for her car without her destroying the natural environment.

<"November to Asset: I'm in place, now,"> She confirmed even though she was unsure why he called her November. Romanova was the last one to question her aliases.

The radio went on with the Winter Soldier asking for her perimeters. It had taken her longer than necessary to get in place. There was a slow car in front of her. But Romanova had known better than to overtake the vehicle. It would only raise suspicion, but perhaps she was only getting paranoid. Two minutes later, she finally pulled into a hideout which seemed big enough for her car without her destroying the natural environment.

<"November to Asset: Target in range, but has back-up. I'll take care of it, but you must take care of the target. He is ahead of me. They must've expected something like this,"> Romanova called into the radio, not waiting for a reply or an order. Her head started aching by actively going against the ordered plan but it was a necessity for the success of her mission.

Romanova hit the brakes and her vehicle came to a halt. Without thinking, she shifted into reverse and hit with full speed force. Her car sped backwards and the back hit the second car full frontal. The impact knocked her forward against the steering wheel, leaving her panting for air. She felt dazed for a moment as the airbag hit her in the face, breaking her nose. She didn't have much time to think or recover. The Black Widow quickly moved out of the car, suddenly missing her gun, which she wasn't allowed to use.

She hurried to the back of her car and towards the second one. The driver's door opened and Romanova kicked it close full force making the man whine in pain.

She used the short moment to glance into the car. At least their target wasn't there. In fact, the car was almost empty instead of packed with security. Only two men were inside and Romanova looked in disbelief. She must've stepped right into their trap.

The first car with its target must be packed with security. This one was supposed to lure the second possible assassin away.

She wanted to hurry back to her car to get back to the mission, but it was too late.

The man from the driver's seat was already out to fight her. He slammed her against the trunk of her car and pressed down on her throat with a force that would surely leave marks. Romanova got dizzy as she wasn't able to breathe. She kicked full force against the man's chest, making him stumble away. She stood there panting for breath for a moment before she went to attack and fight.

Why she hadn't seen the second head fake was beyond her. All she could do was pull her opponent in front of her own body. She used him as a shield for the most impact. Romanova should've watched the second man. While she was busy fighting the first. The second man had pulled out a grenade and thrown it in their direction.

It detonated and slammed her against trees with the man in front of her. Romanova fell unconscious as her whole body felt like it was on fire.

She confirmed and he lay in wait. He'd started to get into position when his radio went off. He looked down with a growl in his throat. Backup would have implications for the secrecy of the mission. Past that, all the Soldier heard was that the target had passed through checkpoint one. It came speeding past him, clearly acknowledging the trouble behind them.

It did no good when the Soldier jumped into the road and planted his feet. He looked at the car, going twenty or more miles faster than they'd planned for and with aching, unignorable pain, he threw his left arm up and took the impact of the car hitting him.

He was slammed backwards, the hot pavement heating the rubber in his boots. He may not have stopped the car, but the impact with his metal arm made the car buckle in around it some. The driver prepared to hit the gas and the Soldier was thrown over the hood.

He hit it with a challenging twist and barely could flip his hand around enough to dig into the metal of the hood. They slowed, with their vision impaired, and it was enough for him to let go and appear to fly off. He caught the top of the vehicle with his hand instead. The Winter Soldier rode along the top for a moment before he oriented himself and slid down the side of the car.

His feet hit the rail below the car and he reached out to force the car door open with his metal arm, the locks breaking in the process. The car swerved, brakes squealing as he threw himself inside the car. As he knocked the driver over the head, his foot collided with the passenger security. He used the man's head to kick himself into the back seat and took his metal hand to ram each of the guard's heads into the back of the front seats hard enough their skulls cracked.

He slipped past the middle man and his foot broke the neck of the next man in the very back. Just as the other reached for his gun, the Soldier grabbed ahold of his head and banged it violently against the window side three times. He slumped and the Soldier grabbed the man in front of him to stop him from scrambling away.

The Soldier twisted and his cold, dead eyes landed on his target. He reached out for his head, as well, when suddenly, the two of them were thrown forward into the seats as the car crashed into the tree line. It disoriented him and his hearing went out, vision-threatening, but he pushed through it. The target was dizzily trying to push up off the console where his upper body had landed.

The Soldier twisted in the car and cupped the back of the man's head. He yanked him back and looked him in the face to double-check it was the target and not a doppelganger, considering his partner had had complications.

Target confirmed.

<“Please… the citizens must know… they deserve…”> The man begged as the Soldier rammed his head into the console once… twice… and then his target was eliminated. He stilled as the target was destroyed and checked around the car. All marks were dead, and no guns or weapons were drawn. He climbed out of the car, satisfied his mission was completed.

He climbed around the car, adjusted the door he'd broken earlier, tore it off its top hinge, and left it hanging there so it would appear the impact had broken it. Then he walked around to where the car had wrapped around the tree. He checked the hood over and with his metal fingers, he smoothed the grooves of his own fingers into a circular dent before he shoved a branch against it and melded it against the hood.

The Soldier didn't have time for further inspection because the ground around him shook with an explosion. His eyes turned sharply south and he took off at a quick run to get to the first checkpoint with the Black Widow.

He dragged the deer out on his way and made it look like it had been hit on the road before he made his way to the explosion. There could be no witnesses… and there was not supposed to be an explosion, especially not so far away.

When he got on the scene, he quickly saw a man edging closely towards where the signs of a small explosion were. Subtly gone from this site, it would need to be scrubbed, he reached to the side of his leg and withdrew his handgun. He walked up closer before firing two shots. One went into the man's chest, the second straight through the back of his head. He dropped near the rubble and the Soldier's eyes accessed quickly for more.

None.

This needed to be fixed quickly. Perhaps if the tree was not damaged, these two cars could be disposed of and the primary scene further north could be contained as it ought to be. He reached into his vest for the smaller, long-range radio he'd used back at the Academy.

<“Asset reporting, mission compromised. Over.>

<“Mission report.”>

<All targets eliminated. Prime target site contained. Secondary site active. Clean up require-"> His words were cut off by a secondary blast. The fire from the explosion had hit the second car they had brought and blew. The Soldier was thrown back over, arms blocking his face as they scraped across the asphalt. He shook it off quickly and looked down at his broken radio.

He snarled and crushed the broken parts under his fist. Their car for the mission ahead was now nothing more than a burning frame. The Soldier could do no more but wait for cleanup and extraction, eliminating any who showed up at either of the scenes.

His eyes fell over their burning car. The car…... Natalia.

His mind reeled for a second, and a momentary panic took over the Soldier's stoic nature. He ran towards the car, looking over the burning frame for a body. None. He ran to the second car; that second half was shredded by whatever had caused the explosion. He ducked through it and found nothing. He stepped over the body he'd slugged down. His eyes darted over the scene and it wasn't until he dropped down into the side embankment that he saw something.

He found one burned body and his hands hovered before he took in size, and with detached relief, he knew it was not her. Instead, he could see someone underneath, and with his unnatural strength, he flung the dead body off of her and threw it high through the air and back onto the road.

<"Natalia!"> He called as he looked her injuries over. She did not respond and the Soldier leaned down to check for a breath. He didn't feel anything and wrapped his hand around her neck, thumb pressing into the side of it to find a pulse. It was there... it was there but very weak. He scrambled for the secondary radio and tried to extend the channel... but there was nothing.

He took in her condition. Her face was covered with blood, her clothes were singed. There seemed to be a thick part of a branch that had pierced her forearm. The Soldier knew how long an extraction team would take... and if she had any internal bleeding or the burns were too bad, she would die with such a weak pulse.

A war broke out within him, and his narrowed irises glanced wildly between her and the road. He had to stay, make sure no one stumbled upon the scenes. His mission was never over until he hit extraction, but... Natalia would die, especially without some sort of medical care. His hands, metal and flesh, hovered over her. She may die. His mission was primarily complete.... but how could he get her to help? It did not...

His gaze landed on the road. The motorcycle. It had been tucked away for their quick extraction. The thought and the sight of her forced him into action, and James grabbed ahold of his shirt beneath his vest and yanked at the material. It hung limply between his fingers as he grabbed ahold of her arm and peeled it out of the branch. He wrapped the fabric over her wound as a makeshift tourniquet and pulled off her extra gear, so she would have less pressure on the light burn wounds.

Then he did his best not to jostle her as he pulled her into his arms and raced down the highway. He passed his mission and flinched as his head burned from his lack of correct protocol. He... her coming back alive, that had to be to the mission's success, did it not? He knew, deep down, it wasn't true, but it was enough to force his feet to move again to his own will.

He dug out the motorcycle and placed Natalia awkwardly, facing his chest as he got on the bike. Then, with his metal arm, he cradled her broken body against his and kicked the bike into gear to race them away from the scene.

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fatedmus3s · 1 year

Text

Everything Changes

Summary: Natalia and James aren’t on the same page anymore. But James isn’t ready to give up on them just now. Can they mend their little argument or will their relationship shatter before it has begun?

Word Count: 6,233

"See ya soon, angel face!" He hollered to the departing redhead as he waved over his head. The girl giggled as she got on the train and blew him a kiss. James sent her a wink and turned with a boyish grin as the train left the station.

"Angel face?" Came the snort next to him.

He turned his head to his shoulder and raised a challenging eyebrow. "What's so funny about that? Everyone says it."

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all," Steve chortled as the two teen boys walked along the empty train platform. "I mean, she ate it up somehow."

"Oh, I see," James said slyly. "You're jealous of my charms again," James teased, turning with a carefree grin to Steve. "Or just Dot."

Steve snorted again. "I thought it was Dorothy? Mixing them up already?"

"No! Dot just sounds better, and she thinks it's swell," James shrugged, feeling no need to defend the redhead's nickname. Instead, he glanced over at Steve as his friend laughed again. But in the gusts of the cold fall wind, the laugh turned into a coughing fit and James looked his friend over while he tried to hide his worry.

"Come on, let's get to the depot, punk," He said and dropped his arm around Steve. It was a protective gesture to hold him steady when his friend inevitably went off balance from the coughs wracking his sickly frame. But both boys could pretend it was just a friend messing with a friend.

"Well," Steve said as most of his coughs subsided and James could take his arm away again. His voice was stern now, with a strange, harshly accented rasp. "It's not like she's coming back."

"What? He stopped walking, withdrawing his arm. He shook his head. “She's coming back," He snapped but felt worried despite his proclamation.

"She always comes back." But, as he looked across the plains of endless snow ahead of him, he suddenly didn't know.

"Even if she actually wanted to..." His friend was fading in the snowy mess quickly and he could feel the chill starting to seep into his pores as the sun disappeared. "She probably can't find her way through all this."

"She does want to, and she's clever," He protested, his eyes straining for the brilliant redhead in a desperate need for warmth as the cold began to wrap around his insides and turn his skin a paler tint. "Natalia's more clever than all of us." He added resolutely.

"Not clever enough," He was told, but the boy from before was all but gone, merely a shadow growing further, his voice a blur.

"You don't really know her if you underestimate her." He argued.

<"But she wasn't even clever enough to stay away from you, Soldat.">

"She's cunning enough to handle it!" He protested with a deep growl, but the eerie silence ate the words. Finally, he looked down, the snow had overtaken him and his hand froze over, gleaming metal weighing him down suddenly.

<“Maybe she is, but you can’t even handle making her happy.”>

“She was happy… I can make her happy…” he told himself. The shadowy figure was stepping back forward again from the white abyss. His green beret stood out against the stormy landscape engulfing them.

<“You think you’re the only one she goes to? Others do much more for her than you.”>

“She wanted me to come with her; it’s just you stopping us,” He snarled. “You can’t control me forever.”

His handler laughed coldly. “You cannot even speak to the woman you love without my say so.”

“Arrgh,” He lunged forward, arms outstretched for his handler's throat, anger falling over him in endless, desperate waves. The handler reached up slowly and snapped his fingers, and James found himself falling backwards, the snow reaching up to strangle him. It dragged him downward, and he just wanted to see her smile at him again. With the warmth in her eyes, he knew it belonged there, instead of the horror everyone else looked at him with.

He hit something, but he was alone now in the storm, and the frost was forming on his skin. He couldn't move anymore and knew there was no real way he could go to her. Everything was gone in the confusing, bitingly cold snow wrapped around him.

He looked determined through the blizzard; it was his only real action to try and get to his clever angel. The one who danced with demons but didn't lose her wings. He knew if he just saw her if she saw him again. Surely he could spot her red hair in the blizzard... if he could just get near her, her warmth would wake him up and he'd be able to move. To get through the tundra around him with her. He could tell her he'd done it, broken free. They could leave together.

Even that single action was deterred as he felt the snow rising on him.

Then, he realized in a panic that it was his own arm pushing him down into the snow. Suddenly the metal took on a life of its own. A star was the only red for him, and it was as cold and lifeless as the snow as he drowned. Drowned in the cold made him stiff and immobile, taking her further away… somewhere she'd rather be.

With a start, he woke up to his chest seizing up. His glazed eyes took in the room, and he swept a hand across his forehead, pulling beads of sweat with it. He sat up hurriedly as he tried to pull any sliver of air into his lungs. The hopeless tundra in his dreams faded too quickly, leaving him with the wish he couldn’t remember the few words he woke with. Or the feeling he was nothing, he was useless… that Natalia would truly never want anything to do with him again.

He shivered as his damp skin met the cold air in the room. There was no silent snow or warmth, just a hard pit in his stomach. Fear… his own fear. It had been too long already… he'd been back in the Red Room one day, that he knew. He'd seen her from afar… she didn't take them out of the way loop that led her past his training room when she was headed for dinner. Did she really not want to see him again? James had just told himself she might need time to process or that she was angry with him about not remembering him but would come to understand it…

It all felt hollow, hollow whims that weren’t based in reality.

James tried to lie back down, to sleep until the sun rose, but instead, he stared at the ceiling miserably. Finally, he closed his eyes, that moment in the hotel running through his mind over and over again. He'd had a debriefing from his mission… whoever it had been, he'd been sent after, he couldn't recall now… but the way her eyes shone horrified at him didn't seem to have faded.

He sort of wished it would. Eventually his stomach was so tied up he couldn’t take lying there anymore. The sun wasn’t up yet, but it would be within the hour… didn’t she usually do her ballet before breakfast? When no one else was there to bother her?

James locked his fingers, trying to determine some reason that would justify him going past her. Just… just to see her, to see how she reacted however long later… to maybe hope she wanted to see him. Or that she was less angry…

Fuck it, he had to. No one was going to see him, anyway. No one paid him any attention until they needed him. He had to see her… James grabbed his clothes from the closet and wound determined through the halls of the Red Room until he was in front of the studio door.

His hand hovered over the doorknob, his heart thudding harshly, suddenly it seemed like a poor idea to face her. It would be easier to wait for her to approach him. Easier to keep the idea she wasn’t as angry or hurt now, to tell himself that could be the truth. The truth… waited behind the door, and James wished he believed the idea she still wanted him enough to go through.

He hissed through his teeth, knowing he'd get caught if he stayed out here. So it was gone and face her, or walk away and hope that… that what? No, it was simply to save himself from reality. He couldn't even sleep. What was the point of that? James grabbed the handle and pushed into the doorway before he could think himself out of it.

He shut the door quickly. It couldn't be worse than the last time she'd looked at him. As he saw her across the room- mid routine- the bright lights bouncing from the mirrored walls, words failed him. He was rooted to the spot he'd come in. James wished he'd left now. It was harder to face her. To expect or want something different when she was already clear she was done with him…

Natalia splashed some water into her face. Strangely enough, she felt a little sick these days. Maybe she had eaten something odd, or her emotions were getting in the way. She had little to no time to adapt to all of this. It was so bizarre to feel like she was alone in this world now. She always did have James… her Winter, but now it wasn’t like this anymore.

She changed into her workout gear. She needed to get some of the building anxiety out of her system. Natalia walked through the empty and quiet halls. The girls were still asleep or waiting to be released from the beds. So, it would give her enough time to strengthen herself and train in ballet. An upside to this would be the odd feeling of leaving her body.

Looking at herself in the mirror, she ran a hand through her hair before securing them in a bun. Natalia started her routine by stretching her limbs. She leaned against the wooden handrail and warmed up her joints and muscles. Then, slowly, Natalia began to dance to an imaginary song. She allowed the melancholic melody to lead her from a first Arabesque into a high jump.

Natalia landed when the door suddenly opened and closed rather quickly. Her heart also dropped to her stomach when she saw a man in the mirror. It was the last person she wanted to see. After all, she had tried to stay out of his way since he returned from the mission.

His presence here was evidence that he hadn’t gotten the memo! What did he expect she would do? Natalia decided it was best to ignore him for now. What was she supposed to say anyways? He had clarified where he stood and what he thought about them… about a potential future. The reminder only made her heart ache even more.

At this moment, she decided it was best to close her eyes and continue to dance. What else was she supposed to do anyway with nowhere to go? Everything in this room was designed to reflect inward. So, it was easier to spot technical errors and adapt to them. There was no adaptation to her mistake, though. She loved this man and he didn’t love her back. So, there was no going back now.

James saw her noticing him, frowned as she closed her eyes and continued her movements. She still didn’t want to see him. She spun, turning and leaping towards one end of the room before spinning slowly back to the other end. He watched her keenly, like a man desperate for water, even though she wanted him to go. He should go. Turn around and leave her be like she’d asked…

He didn’t want to, though. James rarely wanted, but he did want. He tried to talk to her. Although he wanted to take her back in his arms to clear the tension between them, he at least wanted her to look at him again. If not the way she usually did, at least not with horror.

He had a purpose, at least, then.

“Natalia…” He called softly, making himself step further into the room. They both knew she was ignoring him intentionally, but he wouldn’t be dissuaded until they talked again. She leapt past him and then did tighter turns before pausing by the bar to bend at the knees, down, and back up again, very controlled.

How he wished this was a usual time for them. He ached to reach out and steady her waist as Natalia reached up to set her leg on the bar. He’d seen them do such things in practice, wouldn’t she like that? If he partook in some way? Ballet was another thing she was passionate about, yeah… wasn’t she always so determined to continue those lessons as well? He seemed to be recalling that from somewhere.

James doubted she’d appreciate him touching her just now. So instead, he walked to the end of the bar so she’d have a more challenging time ignoring him.

“We should talk, yes?” He asked, reaching out to grip the wooden bar as it bounced up and down under the weight of her leg. James kept it still, as close as he dared to interrupt her. Although his original idea would have felt better.

Natalia tried to debate whether or not it was worth it to listen to him or to even acknowledge his presence. Finally, James made it clear that he wouldn’t simply leave. So, she needed to deal with this, if she liked it or not.

He took the decision from her and Natalia fought the tears threatening to well up in her eyes. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone? She bit on her lower lip so hard it began to bleed. At least the pain was stopping her from actually crying because of him.

“What do you want from me?” She snapped and finally decided to look at him. Her face was schooled, cold and collected. Only her green eyes betrayed her and showed her turmoil and pain.

She put her leg down from the wooden bar and looked at him with a huff. “I don’t even know what we should talk about! You made your point pretty clear. So, excuse me now,” she rolled her eyes and took a deep gulp hoping it would drive the message home.

James stared, both relieved to find she’d at least spoken to him now but with an overwhelming and unfamiliar pressure on his chest. A weight trying to crush his ribcage and making it harder to breathe. He didn’t know how to fix that, so he ignored it. It wasn’t hard when Natalia tried her best to be cold with him. Was it a relief that he felt- that she wasn’t entirely able to?

He took a breath, trying to collect himself. Being this confused wouldn’t help the situation.

“We haven’t made anything clear, Natalia,” James frowned. The facts were easier. He might not have the right words for her, and maybe the truth was too damaging… but if it was, wouldn’t she say that? Natalia had never been one to hold her tongue. So James simply decided whatever happened in the hotel- made nothing clear for either of them.

“Then leave. I don’t need you-“

He frowned harder and tried to push away the pestering thoughts, an attempt to force the hazy dream away. James didn’t dream… but he had last tonight, and it was haunting him still. Shoved down into the snow, knowing he couldn’t stop any of it… did it have to matter? James could make her happy. She didn’t have to need him; she only needed to want him. Suddenly where the strain on his chest was coming from became clear. It was all these thoughts and dreams, and he just needed to put them to rest. There was no reason not to, so he didn’t understand her continued silence on something they could effectively fix.

They had been happy before this, and he could still be now. Even if she knew now he wasn’t… able to do everything, that he’d never leave… he could still make her happy here. She’d decided to stay loyal to the state after all, or she would have left during her mission instead.

“You’re still here,” He stated cautiously, not wanting to bring out her unpredictable anger from last time again. “So am I. Why do we need to change things?” He added and stepped closer to her. If it was about leaving… and he was as unsure of that as anything, then her decision to stay and not escape should have voided her unhappiness about the situation. She was happy before… why did they have to stop seeing each other if she’d decided not to leave the Red Room? He couldn’t go; she knew that now… did that really change anything if she also chose to stay?

Natalia snorted, annoyed when James told her that. Oh, hadn’t she? She basically spelled it out for him! He had made it crystal clear what he wanted from her. They weren’t…weren’t what she wanted him, no, them to be! He was content with the status quo, but couldn’t he see they were so much more? The only thought made her heart ache in this unbearable pain and threatened to tear her up again. But she had decided this man wasn’t worth the tears it would cost her. The apparent weakness she displayed.

“Where else am I supposed to be?” She snapped back and glared at him. What kind of question was that? This miserable place was her home and she couldn’t change that. Not alone… She might see a different home for the two of them, but she wasn’t strong enough. Not with this man staying behind. She couldn’t leave him and that was the actual problem, right?

Natalia furrowed her brows confused, as he stepped closer. Why did they need to change things? Because this wasn’t working! This was making her miserable. They could never have more and it crushed her spirits. He acted like everything was set in fucking stone. If that were true, her whole purpose in life was to seduce, fuck and then kill. That was her purpose, wasn’t it? Just do as she was told and look desirable doing that.

“Because I’m not some kind of toy for anyone to play with-” she snapped back at him and shook her head. He didn‘t understand and never would. Was that so hard for him to see further than the next mission? In the end, they were the same. People decided what to do next, whether it was a kill, a fight, or just retrieving information by sleeping with who they deemed to be the next opponent. “-Life is more than just an order…it can…it can’t be everything there is!”

They were all nothing but a mark in someone’s book. Someone’s grander scheme of things. Someone who didn’t care if they died or not. Here she had thought James would care if she died…Maybe he would even care, but it wouldn’t change a thing for him. He would still just do what they told him to.

Didn’t she remember saying she wanted them to leave? Maybe not… or perhaps she said it in anger and she was back to thinking as usual now. James didn’t know, but he could see her anger hadn’t abated, even though he felt she was sad also. Maybe he was kidding himself and just had no idea what she felt.

He frowned sharply. Of course, Natalia wasn’t. James instantly wanted to protest her words, and the sudden contrast hit him hard. What could he protest? That was her usual role in missions, many lately from Kudrin because she was testing the waters and because of him, too.

He’d never felt such a contradiction before. The sudden but innate knowledge that it was wrong for someone he cared for so much to do anything against her wishes… and the tried and true fact that anything was acceptable to do if it accomplished the mission. Their missions planned for them… that’s what she’d said. James grunted, his flesh hand tightening on the bar as a pain shot through his head. He looked down at where the mirror met the floor. He focused on that to push through the needles shooting down the back of his head.

Maybe- maybe it was acceptable for him to do anything for a mission, but not her? That seemed to ease the headache, but it was true too. James didn’t care what he did… the mission was all that mattered aside from Natalia. Which meant… if she was unhappy here (and of course she was, how many times did she need to try to run or insinuate before he realized?), then she needed to go where she could be happy.

How could he say that?

“You’ve always been better than the rest of us here,” He said quietly, his head stayed down, but he finally moved his eyes up to look at her. To see her reaction, to wonder if she caught what he was implying. It felt so hard just to say that, and he was starting to hate himself for it. Why couldn’t he say what he thought so readily in his mind? That she should leave. She was too good to be a Black Widow, too beautiful and wonderful to be trapped here with him and the rest of them. He couldn’t leave… but she could. Natalia was smart enough to do it, even if she’d have to run for the rest of her life. She’d be free…

He cringed at the sharp jab through his head. James fought it.

“You’re determined enough to make those decisions for yourself, Natalia,” He encouraged through his jaw locking up. He let out a heavy breath, letting go of the bar- and this need in him to convince her to stay with him- and the headache lessened. He could never give her that life she was daydreaming about… that wasn’t what he was… but she could go find it for herself. He wanted her… he wanted to be with her for longer… but he wouldn’t hold on so tightly that it snuffed out the fire he was so awed by.

Natalia snorted and wanted to laugh so badly at what he was saying because what else was she supposed to do? Cry and admit defeat? This man didn’t understand. He never did and by now, she thought he was playing dumb on purpose. Manipulating her like everyone else. But the worst part is that she wanted to be influenced by him if it meant staying close to him forever. He lured her like a moth that flew too close to the light, ready to be consumed by it.

“And what exactly can I get for being better?” She asked him back, her voice sounding sharper than she had wanted it to. What was that good for when she couldn’t get what she wanted or wished for? In the end, she was the same as everyone else. A path chosen to go until she died.

He couldn’t even look at her when he talked. It only made the pain worsen. Her gaze went to his hand, which threatened to splinter the wooden bar needed for ballet practice.

“Why would I want to make those decisions if the reason I want this stays behind?” She asked him, discouraged. Natalia didn’t want out when it wasn’t with James. Why couldn’t he understand that? She saw the future with him and not her alone. She didn’t want…It didn’t matter what she wanted if she simply couldn’t have it.

This wasn’t about stubbornness or determination like James made it out to be. It was about how she saw the bright future for the two of them that it dulled the present and the past. It was so close to her reach yet so far away that she couldn’t properly reach it. Just a few more inches…Just a small jump that James wasn’t willing to take.

Natalia bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying. She didn’t want to lose face in front of him. He clearly didn’t care enough for her so she wouldn’t lose her temper. Not again… She didn’t need to appear like a spoiled child crying for the lollipop it hadn’t gotten.

“Why are you here?” She finally decided to ask and gave him a glance. “You didn’t come to tell me how I should make certain decisions.” Natalia wasn’t even sure what he meant by that.

“Freedom?” He offered, breathing through the pain. Finally, James settled on her simply being angry. Still, he was starkly aware of his inability to keep up with whatever she was really feeling. He just had to assume she hadn’t understood what he was saying, not that he was being clear. He couldn’t. She didn’t understand that before; he wouldn’t bother trying to say it now. Besides, that was too dangerous to tell within the Red Room. Fuck, this was probably really stupid. It was getting on in the morning. James just couldn’t make himself leave like he ought to.

He turned his head to face her, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. What did she mean? Did she mean him? That she wasn’t going to leave without him? Why? It was a terrible sort of thing, the hope that spurred. She must still want him, that he must still be a source of good… but was he? If she were willing to continue down the path they’d made for themselves… but if she was, why the distance now? Likely she didn’t have it figured out either, James sure didn’t. Except she started all this, not him.

It left him without a course of action to take. He had more questions than he’d entered with. Natalia finally looked at him and he felt that weight in his chest eventually loosen. She looked guarded and confused, but there was no fear, no horror. James felt like he could breathe fully for the first time since whenever they’d been in that hotel room and fought. Whatever happened, he didn’t want her to end up hating him. He didn’t want to be a source of pain in her world. There was enough of that around them.

At least that was easy enough to answer. He took a decisive step forward and finally stood next to her. “I couldn’t leave things the way we did,” He told her, frowning sadly. James reached up to cup her cheek, sliding his fingers through strands of her hair.

“I just want to be with you, make you happy, but I can’t seem to,” He whispered, staring at her longingly. James wanted to stay with her forever… but he knew they couldn’t do that. Theirs was a ticking time clock. James could see standing here now that he was a weight holding her down under the frozen lake with him. She’d said as much that she couldn’t keep doing things as they were. But, as much as James felt like he would drown without her around… maybe that was simply what he was meant to do. If she wanted it, Natalia was told for more… she always had been.

He let out an even breath, fighting the struggle in his mind to continue where the thought was taking him. “You’ve always been looking for…” freedom… independence from here… errrgh, he couldn’t say the words he wanted to.

“… something other than this life. Maybe you need to set me behind you, so you can…” So she could leave and gain the freedom she wanted so badly. He reached up and set his metal hand on the opposite side of her face so she’d really listen this time and kept his voice low.

“I can’t fight it like you can,” He didn’t know how else to say it more clearly. The words escaped him… as did the reason he should. He just knew that he was the Winter Soldier and that he needed to complete his missions. If there was no happiness for her around it, then she needed to find it somewhere else. Even if it meant he’d lose her in the process, was it realistic to think he’d have been able to keep her anyway? She was right… others could do more for her. “-And they’re not going to let their Soldier go. Don’t let me destroy your chances, Natalia. I can’t live with that.”

She was the only light he’d ever seen, the only real thing he ever did was make her happy, and he wouldn’t be the reason her light died out. He always thought she was seeing something in him that wasn’t there… but it was there, and he found it thanks to her… and maybe he’d lose it without her, or perhaps he wouldn’t. It didn’t matter because he wanted her to be happy and herself more than he wanted to keep remembering being James. What was the point if she wasn’t comfortable enough to stay near him? There wouldn’t be one.

“You said you need more,” He took a deep breath to fight the searing feeling again; he needed to say this to her. Staring at her, feeling her skin against his, he could fucking say what he wanted to her, dammit. “Go find your everything else, Natalia.”

Fuck, it hurt, but what was pain to him…? Even if this felt different than pain, more like an incapacitation, he could fight it a little, staring at her, touching her again.

“I thought that was already obvious. No one gets freedom in this place. We don’t receive that luxury,”Natalia rolled her eyes at his statement. Who cared about that, and what was it worth if you couldn’t share it with anyone?

He didn’t seem to understand, but she didn’t know how to explain it without saying too much. The last time, it had bitten her in the butt and she had thrown him out. Rightfully so. He broke her heart and she wasn’t even sure what he was trying to do. Mend things for them and make it even worse? Apparently, he didn’t want her around or at least not in the way she longed to be with him.

There it was. The sentence she had feared to hear. Or rather a variation of it. Natalia should be thankful that he was truthful, but it hurt her even more. It just crushed all her heart. “What if I want what’s in front of me?” She asked him tentatively. Would he understand the innuendo that she was saying? He clearly didn’t know that she wanted freedom with him. To get away with him and not on her own.

She confused him; she always seemed to be jumping ahead of something he was unaware of. If she knew they were in the place, they should be. So, why was she unhappy about them not going and doing such a thing? It was contradictory and James couldn’t quite follow where the anger was coming from when she seemed to have accepted their way of life.

“Then I’m here,” He said simply, but it didn’t lift the finality of it all. He was here, he wanted to be with her, was aching to lean in closer and taste her lips again. Except, she’d already said she didn’t want him here, she wanted this fairytale that didn’t exist, couldn’t exist with him. He dropped his metal hand back to his side. “I’ll continue to be here,” He added, running his thumb over her bottom lip despite himself. “But you must do what you need, Natalia.”

Natasha stared at him confused, as he leaned closer and caressed her lip with his thumb. It caused the oh-so-familiar tingle. Subconsciously she wetted her lips, but her heart only sank more. Finally, she stepped away from him and looked a bit wide-eyed at him.

What he was trying to tell her didn’t sink because suddenly, the urge to leave was more significant than to stay. She couldn’t do this again. Not after he had told her they would never be what she wanted… what she actually needed from him. Even if he tried to phrase it differently, it was still the same outcome. She was alone in this. He didn’t like her the way she did.

“I-I have to go,” she suddenly stuttered, unlike herself. She carefully placed the mask to show this wasn’t getting to her and had received apparent cracks. “I have this thing to attend to..” she murmured and began to leave the ballet room with long strides.

Her hand hovered over the doorknob for a moment as if she wasn’t sure if she wanted to leave. But what choice did she have when staying was like rubbing salt in the wound? It just made matters worse. So, she opened the door and walked out to her room. Leaving felt like someone had ripped her heart out and left nothing behind but pain.

On her way out, she didn’t notice Kudrin passing. The older woman had glared after her, but Natalia had other, more severe things to pay attention to. Her eyes were burning, and tears threatened to run down her cheeks again. She cleared her throat and aggressively wiped a tear away. Natalia needed to just make it to the safety of her room.

Her tongue raced across her lips and he nearly pulled her face to his, but she stepped away before he could. The loss of contact didn’t stop his chest from racing or suppress his urge to gather her in his arms and keep her close to him.

James frowned helplessly as she dismissed herself, and he reached out too late to capture her hand. To pull her back… but she was already racing across the room. Away from him… and to pull her back wouldn’t be right. James should have let her go if that was what she needed. But instead, he looked down, briefly closing his eyes to control himself. Watching her leave was too hard…

He looked up when he heard the door click open and dropped back against the mirrored wall as he watched her slip out. His hands tightened around the bar there, creaking under the stress of his grip. Fuck… fuck, he just wanted to follow after her. It was pointless and ridiculous, but it was not helping that it was all he wanted to do.

Instead, he stayed for a moment to collect himself before following through the door himself. Better to give Natalia a head start so no one saw them together, anyway.

<“Soldier.”>

Fuck him… fuck, it had to be her? If she was this close, she had to have seen Natalia too. Of course, there was no point in hoping she did not, so he schooled his features and turned around as she addressed him again.

<“You do not belong in this area.”>

<“I can go wherever I’m needed within the facility.”> For some strange reason, it had taken him a moment to pull the Russian into his mind. How was he supposed to talk his way out of this one? Especially when he felt so off-kilter right now. There was no choice; he had to.

“Leave my Widows alone; they have nothing to do with you once they’ve graduated and I’ll be more than willing to point that out if you push me anymore.”

<“You’re imagining things as always, Lydumila,”> He replied stonily, trying to push past any facts. Like the one where he’d never be in the studio for any other reason than seeking Natalia out. This was sloppy and stupid of him. He could get her hurt acting like this. Maybe it was all for the best… he just couldn’t make himself believe that. Even staring down Kudrin’s suspicious glare.

<“I have tolerated your little trysts, but know I will tolerate it no longer, Soldier. If you aren’t careful, I’ll make sure it isn’t simply my keen gaze noticing,”> She said sharply and slapped the folder she was holding sharply against her hand. He felt a little nauseous; had they been so sloppy that Kudrin was confident enough to voice her suspicions now? To confront him on them…

<”Your riddles are pointless,”> He growled, trying to strive for some neutral annoyance when it was dread he felt instead. <“I have no time for your nonsense.”>

He turned sharply and didn’t stop when she called after him, that he’d received her only warning.

God dammit… he would have to warn Natalia… or maybe that would play into Kudrin’s hand. Whatever that might be… what point was there in warning him unless she really meant it. She had no concern for Natalia or whim to see her protected for any reason, so he had to assume something else was at play. He hoped not… because there would be consequences neither of them could likely imagine if it was all found out…

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