Scott: What is toothpaste, if not bone soap?
Sam: Existence is a prison and being your friend is maximum security.
Jennifer: What do you want to be for Halloween?
Jennifer: Don’t do this.
Clint, sharpens knife: We’ve got ways of making people talk.
[Clint cuts a piece of cake]
Cooper: … Can I have some?
Clint: Cake is for talkers.
Genie: Now for your third wish, what would you like?
Yelena, holding two fluffy dogs: Take a wild guess my dude.
Wanda: Can I say something?
Wanda: Your smile is the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen.
Natasha, blushing: Can I say something too?
Wanda: Of course.
Natasha: This smile only exists when I’m with you.
Yelena: I think I’m going to throw up.
Bucky: What, bro?
Sam: Cover your eyes.
[Bucky covers his eyes]
Sam: What do you see?
Sam: That’s what you mean to me.
Bucky: Br— wait.
Kate: I think I finally understand why everyone who was considered “gifted” in pre-school is now gay.
Kate: The gay is the gift. We are chosen ones. We are humanity’s saving grace.
Wanda: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Yelena: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.
Wanda: You don’t have to wear it.
Yelena: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.
Valentina: I need you to kill him, but make it look like an accident.
Wade: Say no more.
Policeman: It looks like the killer stabbed him and then placed a banana at his feet.
Scott: Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not
Sam: Not what?
Bucky: Scott is washing the dishes and I just heard him say, “Who do you work for?! Who’s your contact?!” While repeatedly pushing a glass under the water.
Kate: At least he’s having fun?
Steve: Remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life?
Tony: No. That doesn’t sound like me at all.
Wade: I think my stomach is gonna explode.
Yelena: No one asked.
Bucky: Why, what happened?
Wade: I drank too much mouthwash.
Sam: You fuckin what
Sam: THE FUCK YOU MEAN TOO MUCH
Bucky: You’re not supposed to drink it at all!
Wade: If no drink then why smell good
Yelena: Wade, you’re the dumbest person alive, full offense.
Peter: He didn’t do it.
Wade: I did it.
Peter: He didn’t mean to do it.
Wade: I wish I’d done it sooner.
Peter: He did it for benign reasons.
Wade: I did it for the worst reasons.
Peter: He’s sorry.
Wade: I’m never sorry.
Peter: He’s chastened.
Wade: I’m doing it again tomorrow.
Kate, about Carol: Still not over how yesterday when my flight landed in New York our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because she took “shortcuts”…
Kate: Ma’am, we’re in the sky what do you mean???
Steve: Good morning, Tony! It’s great to be alive!
Tony: Why can’t you wake up grumpy and grouchy like normal people?
Jennifer: I’m not a fan of country but I do love how male country singers are like “I love fishing and my truck”.
Jennifer: And female country singers are like “I’m going to kill my husband”.