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#an excerpt from a story i'll never write
darlingdeathx · 11 days
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maggietalkstoomuch · 1 year
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the most infuriating thought occurred to me the other day: there hasn't been one single moment since the day I met you when I have looked at you and not felt anything; no moment when I have looked into your blue eyes and my heart didn't want you.
sometimes I think I’ll never stop loving you, no matter how bad I want to // m.e.k.
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soul-xhoney · 3 months
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1:10
You’re still the one I think of when I have things to tell; and when I wore your sweatshirt yesterday I realized how much I missed your smell. It lingered…
Like all the things I’ve mentally made note of since the day we met, it stained my brain the way we stained your counter with the red wine we drank
Or the way I’d stand to lock your hair after a late afternoon beach run; like the touch of your warm skin that embraces me like the sun
Like the words to the song you wrote, the art drew or the sculpture you made; the look on your face when you showed me
You linger…
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hommoturttle · 2 years
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a Fanfic I'll Never Write
(a/n: i don't intend to really finish this, nor do i know where i was going with it. haha)
pairing: TFWS! Bucky x Reader
warnings: sexual content, bdsm aspects, alcohol, mild misogyny (you really have to squint), story starts in a very random place so I'm sorry if at first it doesn't make sense. let me know if I miss anything else also, this has NOT been beta read, i own up to all mistakes and incorrect grammar
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"no. no! anyone but her!" bucky yelled at sam and Zemo holding his hands up to further prove his protest.
**********
the bar they walked into was loud. the way it was designed was like someone hadn't grown out of their 12 year old emo phase. black walls, floors and tables. the bar counter was the focal point with thousands of light up skulls that changed color with the music that was playing. fake spiderwebs and Victorian portraits hung on the walls with pictures of someone called BeetleJuice. "he looks like you before coffee" Sam mocked Zemo pointing to those pictures.
the patrons of this bar were also dressed in all black, a few had neon colored hair that Bucky had to remind himself this wasn't the 40's anymore. people had the right to look however they wanted, even if he still found unnatural hair colors weird.
surrounded by a crowd at the bar was the woman they were looking for. but what they saw her doing nearly gave bucky a heart attack. the poor old man that he was.
Y/N Y/L/N was topless laying titts up on the counter while some punk was pouring hot candle wax on her. the crowd was hollering and whistling in excitement. "has she always had her nipples pierced?" Zemo asked noone in particular. Bucky was this close to crushing his windpipe for staring at his girl.
just because he left her so she could live a life without his baggage didn't mean he had stopped thinking of her as his girl.
Y/N arched her back and stuck her tongue out. a different man poured his drink down her throat and tried to touch her without his permission. Bucky saw red, but before he could go play hero Y/N had sat up and started twisting that guy's arm behind him.
"did i give you permission to touch me? last i checked pet, i hadn't. you gonna make it up to me? how bout an apology." Y/N bit his ear and shoved him to the ground.
the man instantly fell to his knees, placing his hands on his thighs with his head facing downward. "forgive me mistress, i need to be punished so badly! let me please you!"
Sam and Bucky looked at each other in confusion. Zemo though looked like he had gotten what he wanted on Christmas morning.
Y/N cocked her head to the side and lifted her foot so it rested on the man's crotch. he whimpered and had a blissed out look on his face. "kiss it."
the man instantly did as she said kissing her foot with the utmost reverence. Y/N held her head up while looking at the man in disgust. she pushed him off her and slapped him across the face. "you're pathetic. a real man wouldn't be a spineless twat like you are now. strip and meet me on the stage pet. i feel like teaching you a lesson."
the crowd around the pair cheered with more hollering and whistles.
"what kind of bar did you say this was?" Zemo asked Sam seeing as how he was the one to bring the trio there.
"i..i was told it was an alternative bar. you know, for goths or something." Sam was stuttering and blushing slightly. Bucky never took his eyes off Y/N. he knew her too well. he could see she was just putting on a show, but wasn't really getting any enjoyment from being this dominant. he knew what kind of submissive she usually was. he had spent hours learning.
was it weird that thought brought him some comfort?
"come on" he told his awkward group as he made his way to the bar. there was a woman behind the bar with only a little more clothing on than Y/N. she had curly brown hair and harsh blue eyes that showed how unkind life had been. "what can i get you?"
she sounded exhausted and more than ready to go home.
"how often does she do this?" Bucky asked the woman, not wanting to waste her time even more so.
the woman gave him a small once over with an eyebrow raised, but didn't say what she was thinking.
"she's one of our regulars. she does this when she's pissed of about something usually. the wax thing is new though. not complaining about it, it's just new." the woman shrugged her shoulders. Bucky nodded.
"so, can i get you anything to drink or are just going to be pervy?"
"i'll have a Vodka Tonic if you would be so kind." Zemo ordered his drink. "and your name so that i don't feel like i'm disrespecting you madam."
the woman chuckled “you wouldn't be the first man. my name is Sami. i'll get that drink going for you." she turned to sam, "anything sound good?"
Sam ordered a beer but wasn't paying much attention to her. he was focused on Bucky wondering what was going through his head. bucky didn't want to see Y/N or bring her onto this mission. last he heard, the pair had a falling out caused by Bucky, but here he was staring at her like all he wants to do is take her in his arms and never let go. Y/N still hadn't noticed the trio, too busy hitting a poor, near naked man with a ridding crop on a stage for the whole bar to see.  Sam just had to laugh at the scene.
just when he thought this was going to be a moment of calm in a world of crazy, Bucky started walking towards the stage and he didn't look happy.
"bucky! don't... you...don't!"
it was too late, the super soldier stood right in front of the dominatrix with a defiant look in his eye and his arms folding across his chest, metal arm shining in the lights. Sami the bartender thought he looked equal parts dangerous and sexy. Sam just thought he looked stupid.
Y/N though....
Y/N thought he looked beautiful. all rough, dark, and commanding. it didn't take away the hurt though and that pissed her off.
Y/N jumped of the stage to stand right in front of him, one had murder in their eyes, the other possession. "what the fuck are you doing here Barnes?" Y/N's voice sounded like pure venom.
Bucky gave a soft, sad smile. "it's good to see you too doll."
*****
after that awkward reunion, everyone sat down in a corner booth of the bar away from prying ears and leering eyes. Y/N still hadn't put a shirt back on. Bucky swore this woman was gonna be the death of him. "so let me get this straight, you break him out of a high security prison,"
Zemo had the nerve to smile.
"you thought you made the right choice in giving up the shield, so now it's in the hands of the human version of moldy blue cheese,"
Sam folded his arms and rolled his eyes.
"and you still can't look me in the eyes, but you want my help with 'terrorists gone wild'."
Bucky stared at the table even harder.
"we understand that we're asking a lot from you Y/N, but we could really use your help." Sam tried pleading with her, though he wasn't happy with what she said.
Y/N sighed and leaned back in her seat, rolled her head side to side to try cracking her neck. it didn't work unfortunately.
"I’m in. but lets get one thing straight,"
she turned to look at Bucky. "after this, don't ever think of pushing me away again to hurt yourself further." Bucky finally met her eye and saw her big (Y/E/C) eyes filled with anger, concern, and love. how a woman like her could ever love a broken shell like him, he'd never understand.
"I promise." those words were barely spoken over a whisper, but they were felt like bombs.
Sam, and even Zemo, felt like they the uninvited 3rd wheel intruding on a moment they weren't supposed to be.
"Sami! mind pouring me a drink to go?" Y/N called out.
Sami rolled her eyes but had a soft caring smile on her face as she grabbed the rum behind her. "you owe me!"
TAGLIST: @buckle-up-buttercups @whovianhalfblood @gideonknave @roulu @itsbobbi
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writtenbycas · 9 months
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I am constantly reminded that I wasn't good enough for you. Nothing I could’ve done would have made me good enough for you to love me. I’m not sure what hurts most you saying that no matter what you’d always be there, or the fact that I wasn’t even good enough for you to stay friends with. // an excerpt from a box of love-hate letters hidden in my closet, circa 2012-2016. // C.A.T
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bloodintoink-blog · 4 months
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"I won't leave you" "I won't leave you" "I won't leave you" He said I'm sorry I could hardly believe
I could already picture you packing your clothes, leaving the essence walking out, leaving your footsteps withdrawing your hands, leaving the spaces empty
How do you not understand that all people do is leave Memories are something which remain People leave and move on People die and are reborn Memory stays, memory hurts
Remembering, remembering, remembering Yearning, yearning, yearning Pain is all
—𝓓
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poeticmika · 2 months
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I've never
I've never had a knife to my heart, but I came pretty close today.
I've never felt the pain of my heart being bludgeoned and feel the blood pour out. But today, today I came pretty close.
I've never felt that sharp pain, you know that pain? It's almost like the sharpest pinch, but in your heart, its such discomfort and sometimes, it removes the ability to see.
I've never felt a fist impact my chest, and my chest love it.
I've never been so hurt, and happy I feel such hurt.
I have never
I've never missed anyone the way I miss you.
I've never cried so erratically
I've never longed to see anyone's else's parents
I've never told anyone that I lost the love of my life, the heart mine beats for.
I mean why would I? It's not me who passed, It's not my mother who had to say goodbye to her child. It's not my life that was taken. So why, why when I hear your name or see your birthdate why do I feel this way.
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you post another video of the both of you fucking hard and raw and even i could see more for 7.99. i exit the app and redownload tinder.
if it’s coping for you it’s coping for me.
i get a little drunk and a lot high so when he posts a picture of us together on my snapchat story i forget to take it down. you post a photo of the two of you together in the town that was once ours.
there was no coping that night. i clenched our old love in my sweaty palms and screamed myself raw.
we are nipping at each other like feral dogs trying to draw first blood. this hurts. but at the end of the day this still hurts less than loving you did.
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fudgybrowny · 1 year
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my eyes, they tear up every time I think about you
is it because I never even blinked so I could look at you longer ?
My throat, it feels dry and empty
maybe because no words could describe what you make me feel.
My lips, they quiver everytime I call out your name
is it because your name was too fragile and precious for me to utter ?
My heart, it feels constricted
maybe because you held onto it a little too tight.
but my legs, oh my legs
They run to you everytime and I see you
And my betraying arms
They want nothing but to hold you tight.
So tell me - if this isn't love, what is ?
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A friend once told me how she regretted looking through people so much,and how everytime they left,it felt like they'd take a piece of her with them and she would spend her lifetime trying to fill that void. I couldn't help but agree,strongly. I think about it to this day and sometimes it makes me realize,maybe life is supposed to be that way. The voids in you are nothing but remembrance of those who found a home within you. More symbolic of how,even with all those wounds buried deep inside,you once sheltered someone and how they made themselves comfortable amidst your ache. And now that they're gone,maybe you get to hold on to those voids like bittersweet gifts from time,that on some nights ache for the ones who lived within them.
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We were hungry sharks in the rough sea
You gnawed on my fin to stay close
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darlingdeathx · 1 month
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I sat with my anger long enough until it told me its real name is grief. I’m not a whole person, and I don’t think I will ever be. Parts of me died in the house I grew up in, and I visit them in dreams. When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives. Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Anger is important. It needs to be expressed, acted out and vocalized. When it doesn’t, it begins to manifest, to rage.
~ C.S. Lewis
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maggietalkstoomuch · 2 years
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I was driving home today at the edge of dark, the time perfectly in between night and day. The sun was setting, and it was the most beautiful sunset I had seen in a while, so many bright shades of pink and purple and orange like tie-dye in the sky. There were no other cars on the road, just me, and it was so peaceful. All I could think about was you. I could almost see you sitting there in the passenger seat, smiling at me. I think you were there with me, probably wearing a tie-dye t-shirt to match the sunset. I could feel it. I bet you see tie-dye sunsets like that every day where you are. I bet you helped paint this one just for me.
tie-dye sunsets // m.e.k.
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soul-xhoney · 3 months
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Writing really doesn’t help…
What would help is getting run over and dying instantly
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senpiecakes · 2 years
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“The tragedy in which he loved; the despair that you respond with when you don’t say you loved him back- but you do- and it’s as painful as you could imagine when he without words, without reservations, would scream it- in the form of a kiss worth the strength of a million lovers, all echoing your shared desire to be loved on purpose.”
- An except from ‘For Now’ A Kaeya fic (found this in my drafts and idk I did a weird face and decided you guys should read it too.
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writtenbycas · 2 months
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So much has happened over the course of the last 12 years. In that time I fell in love with- and lost someone I thought was my very best of friends. In the last 10 years - I thought that I had fallen in love with the man of my dreams only to have been cheated on and lied to. Played a fool of. In the last 8 years I gave birth to a human who has shown me that-she is the most kind and beautiful child to walk the planet. In the last 5 years I have lost two of the women who helped shape me.. looking back they only wanted the best for me. In a time where I thought that death could be the answer I nearly lost my life in a car crash. It only reminded me that I wanted to in fact live. Not only live- but be alive. I wanted to be apart of this world leaving pieces of myself behind in all the things I do.
Looking back on the last 12 years of my life I regret so much- and yet I wouldn’t change the path I took. //c.a.t 03.2024
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