to anyone who thinks introjects are being dramatic when we talk about our experiences and what our sources mean to us:

imagine you woke up one day in a body that looks nothing like yours. imagine you remembered some of the life that body had lived, but it felt nothing like yours. imagine having to come to terms with the fact that everything and everyone you knew and every memory you had of your previous life…never happened. none of it was ever real. now imagine all of that, plus a ton of chronically online strangers mocking and bullying anyone like you for just existing.

a degree of source separation is healthy, but some of us can’t just get over it. some of us are mourning lives that feel more real than the ones we’re currently living. we’re not being dramatic.

being ace is weird sometimes bc I like. appreciate things that many might see as sexual but I like them for purely non sexual reasons.

Losing your mobility is like losing a handle bar you've been holding on your hole life. It slips from your grip. And you are left floundering, falling to the ground. Knees scraping the pavement l, not sure if you can stand back up. Sometimes you can't, so you transfer to wheels and roll onward.

That's part of the reason we clutch so hard to representation in media. Why I personally found solace as my legs started to give out, knees started to spasm, as I adjusted to life in a wheelchair, in Barbara Gordon. A character who is liked since I was a child. She was Batgirl to be back than, she kicked ass at night and no one knew. But later she became almost like a lifeline to me.

This character who let me accept that things might not be the same amd that was okay. But I began to realize the way DC treated her was wrong, throwing a magic cure at her. Hiring mostly people who has no idea how to draw a wheelchair. Not only that it reflected how disabled people are treated on a daily basis. Told that prayer will fix us, to take vitamins, etc.

So here is something to think about. I found so much strength in Oracle, in Babs finding herself again and seeing his powerful she could still be. That she could still be a hero. Because disability does not make you any less human.

me making a post on tumblr right before i go to bed thinking “this is gonna cook on here fr” vs me waking up the next day to four notes

Actually part of recovering is acknowledging that your depression made you kind of insufferable to be around and being okay with knowing that people aren't always going to forgive you or even give you a chance to apologize at all.

Having dissociation be your main coping mechanism for your entire childhood and knowing that you’ve had many traumatic experiences feels like your memory is a bookshelf that should be full. Each memory is supposed to be a book and your shelves should be full, but at some point you took out every book with the letter Q in the title. But all the books still stand straight despite the gaps and on a good day you can convince yourself that enough are there for it to be fine, everyone has books that get lost or damaged or never make it on the shelf to begin with, until you talk to someone and they say something that reminds of a book you know you had but when you go to pick it off the shelf there’s a gap where it should go. But you know the title didn’t have a Q so why isn’t it there, then you realize that as a kid you couldn’t really tell the difference between Q and O. And looking at the shelf suddenly it’s a lot more bare than you realized, too much to be explained away by your general untidiness and leaving books stacked to the side out of order, at least you can still find those ones if you remember they’re there. You can see the shape and size of the missing books and sometimes you can even guess what they contained based on the bits of titles or authors you vaguely remember, but the poor copies you try to make stand out worse than the original gaps. They’re like folders with what little information you can remember that are far too wide and thin to fit well on the shelf, leaning and sticking out past the spines around them. And your fingers catch on them as you run them along the spines of the books, interrupting and frustrating your browsing occasionally even giving you paper cuts. And now you find yourself shelving new books on the most recent shelf, holding a book with Q in the title, stuck between the urge to get rid of it asap and the fear of losing it forever that makes you want to sit down and read it over and over, annotating the pages and writing a whole separate copy just in case because you’d rather have a thousand paper cuts than look at another shelf with more empty spaces than occupied ones.

Quick notes from a long journal entry I made in December 2016 that shows my autism, before I had any idea I was autistic

Being taken advantage of in friendships

"Getting too attached to people"

"I'm an outsider"

People who are "like me" that I lock on to and don't have to "perform" for them

Alone time = can think about anything A person is present = mind goes blank, can’t  converse

"how are you" (what does it MEAN)

why can't i think of anything to say, ever

or just blurting out about anime theories to work colleagues who have never even seen any series in their life

"the inner flame gets ignited and it's so easy to talk about books"

Need to FEEL a connection before I talk to someone “properly”

"why do customers STOP AND CHAT when they ask where an item is”

If I get interrupted out of listening to music it takes me minutes to focus on the conversation being had. And then more minutes to get back to whatever I was doing

Irritation that is not controllable and goes away only when it is done with you

"how do i not be an outsider"

I was scared to watch Ahsoka in the beginning. Disney has be quit disappointing most of the time, and while of course I do think there are things wrong with the show, I have not felt this excited about a star wars live action in awhile. I was actually getting sucked into the episodes and stopped thinking about what the writers might fuck up. These past few years especially people have been very negative towards Star Wars (understandably. It’s not been great) but because of that I started watching every with a critical eye and thinking that if it’s not perfect it’s trash. Idk what it was about this show exactly but I stopped worrying about what could go wrong and actually enjoyed it more.

Anyway I thought it was good

Three years ago I came out as bisexual and they told me that “I was too young to know” and that “it was just a phase”, they were right, this year I found out that I am aroace

when i fucking tell you that i just realized — A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER MY BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY, MIND YOU — that what i wanted (and still do) was a full on TOP SURGERY and not just slightly smaller boobs because of a fucking random tiktok video i just watched of liv hewson talking about their top surgery… i got no words

it blows my mind because i remember showing the smallest fucking boobs known to man kind to my doctor before everything saying that’s what i needed and although she was awesome and they were obviously smaller after (not as small as the pictures tho) i was sooo disappointed that i still had them. and i kept telling myself that i was happy and they’re swollen so it was fine but i was gaslighting myself as usual lol

i didn’t like my boobs after the surgery!!!! i told myself and people close to me that i loved them in hopes to believe it at some point (i love to delude myself, truly a hobby at this point) but i have notes on my journal about how “weird it is that i’m not as happy as i hoped” like mf WAKE UP. i didn’t say anything about how they could’ve made them even smaller because surgeries are expensive and i didn’t want to act like i didn’t appreciate it, because i did. but.

BUT. i don’t like them. i don’t want boobs. i didn’t have the words to express how i felt about it when i was younger and when i did have those words, i still didn’t know they applied to me. i started thinking about gender and my gender expression months after the surgery. i toyed with the demigirl label for a while and now i’ve been happily identifying as non binary but fuck, you know? i could’ve figured it out months or a year ago and it’d have made so many things make more sense aaaaa

it’s just crazy to me how a random video on my for you page made me realize this. holy fucking shit man, it really was gender envy all this time lmao😭 i’m a dumbass

I think the reason I never feel like I'm "pretending to be human" is because I mostly model my idea of dragons off of the Wings of Fire series, in which the dragons are intellectually basically the exact same as humans, so mentally being a dragon doesn't actually change how I act that much

Racism towards white people does exist,e but it'll never be called racism, because they made it. It will always be just being a dick to white people. I will always agree with that, as well. It's not racism, you're just a dick.

Straight-phobia does exist, it's just not called that. It's being a dick to straight people, or stereotypes. Straights made homophobia, so heterophobia will never be a word.

Their both still problems that my family has faced.

I do not face either because I'm a pansexual transgender Puerto Rican man.

My sister and other people in my family have been harassed for being white Puerto Ricans. We've all grown up in America.

I wish that everyone who sees this stays careful on what they say. Theres a reason Twitch banned the word "cracker".

Here's an edit: I'm sorry if this offended anyone. Was kinda a shit post. It's old, but deleting it would imply I'm ashamed. Although I may not fully stand by this opinion anymore, I'm not ashamed of it or scared of how it may affect me.

I’m going to state my opinion but this may or may not piss people off.

I don’t like p0rn, yeah I don’t like it.

P0rn has impacted my life in negative ways, and it made my mental health worse.

I have constant problems with my hormones and it’s worse with my lack of physical affection as well, I try not to look at p0rn and I don’t want my addiction to come back but multiple times I have got tempted to google it to just feel something and I still struggle with my addiction to this day.

I even once tried to touch myself while I was in the bathtub but I never did it because I thought to myself that it would hurt.

I even tried to look at inappropriate content but I stopped and told myself I didn’t want my addiction to come back.

So yeah that’s why I don’t like it and if you like it then idgaf.

And to anyone reading this I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

How did you get into weightlifting?

An ex boyfriend actually! I had gained a large amount of weight due to my depression and had no motivation to do exercise.

He asked me if I would just consider spotting for him (catching weights if they slip/fall while he’s working out etc) and slowly I started trying out the exercises too!

Now I’m an avid weightlifter and am really enjoying my growing muscles. I highly recommend it to anyone curious about trying — especially if you’re a cis woman, since it builds important bone health for later in life.

I love episode 3 of the last of us. Not only do I love the episode itself, but also the way people are talking about it. Maybe it’s because it was hinted at in the game (or confirmed idk been awhile) so it was expected, or people were just too focused on the master piece of an episode to mention it, but I haven’t seen anyone being like ‘oh my god they’re gay!! Theres representation!’ And it makes me happy. Let me explain,

Usually its a surprise for me to see rep on tv, especially well written stuff, and seeing people not surprised by it is making me feel like we are progressing, even if I don’t usually feel like we are. We aren’t surprised anymore. We aren’t shocked to see people like us. The world has changed and is still changing so much, like when Bill and Frank met gay marriage wasnt even legalized in our world! And look at us now!!

Being able to see stories like this in popular media, being able to see queer characters that aren’t only queer for brownie points or minor plot reasons, Isn’t it wonderful? Isnt it just so.. I dont even have words. Im not that old, im not old at all infact, dont even have my diploma yet, but if you told 7 or even 10 year old me there’s people like him on tv? He’d lose his mind with excitement!!!! Because it never happened before!! He never saw or heard about it! Its so new!!!!!! Im ecstatic. Im finally seeing and finally feeling change. Maybe things wont be shitty forever :) anyways i don’t think i formatted this correctly or anything like that, its midnight and im tired. Its a miracle im passing English. So sorry to anyone who reads this.

Thanks Last of Us writers, and thanks internet <3 cant wait for the rest of the series