Post-Top Surgery Weight Gain: Will My Breasts Grow Back? (Nope!)

I've had a couple people message me asking about this privately, and it was something I had a fear of when I was getting ready for top surgery, so I wanted to address it in a public post:

After top surgery, your breasts will NOT grow back, even if you are not on testosterone. No, not even if you gain weight.

The chest is, to borrow Shrek's wisdom, like an onion, and has many layers. The ones top surgery is concerned with are the chest wall (muscle), the breast tissue, fat, and skin, in that order.

Your chest wall is a bunch of muscle that protects your organs. This will not be removed or touched. Your breast tissue sits on top of that, and this is what will be removed during surgery, leaving just enough tissue to make your chest proportional to your body. Very few people have totally flat chests. On top of this is body fat, much of which will also be removed or reshaped during surgery. Then there is your skin, and your nipples. Typically nipples (including areola, the area around your nips) will be taken off, trimmed down to a smaller 'masculine' shape, then grafted back on. Or you don't have to get your nipples back at all! I didn't, so it's up to you.

To reiterate: your breast tissue will NEVER regrow. Your nipples and areola will NEVER regrow, regardless of if you are on T or not.

However, FAT may fluctuate in this area. If you lose weight, whether on T or not, you will probably lose fat here and may have loose skin, which many surgeons can address in revisions. If you gain a substantial amount of weight and are not on T, you may gain more fat here- take a look at your close female relatives. When they gain weight, do they gain it in their breasts and side-boob area? When they lose weight, do they go down a cup size?

If you are on T, testosterone will change the way your body distributes the weight it gains. Look at your close male relatives. I'd be willing to bet money that when they gain weight, they gain it predominantly in their stomach. When you are on T, your body will probably begin to redistribute the way it gains fat to a more 'typically male' pattern, like the stomach, as opposed to hips, thighs, and chest.

Something to keep in mind, especially for fat people but really for anyone getting top surgery: YOUR ANGLE IS DIFFERENT! Look down at your chest right now, pre op. You can see aalllll the way down your cleavage. But if you asked someone standing in front of you if they could see all your cleavage, they could not. Even if you were naked, you seeing your own chest from a top-down angle makes things look further out/rounder/bigger than how other people see you.

Please keep this in mind when you look at your surgery results- the fat that was left behind and reshaped on me looks bigger/rounder to me, looking down, than to other people looking at me. And this is only in resting position! Move your arms around (once it's safe dont do this freshly out of surgery please dear god), raise them over your head, put them out to your sides and T pose. Look at the way the fat moves under your skin and around your body; how it looks 'flatter' in some positions and 'rounder' in others. This is totally normal! This is what skin and fat are supposed to do, and do on everyone who has skin and fat! These are NOT breasts, and they will NEVER be breasts again.

I hope this helps some peoples fears be assuaged. I know it can feel silly to ask if your breasts will grow back, but it is a valid fear, especially for plus size people, and it is also a fear I hope is now at rest. Your breasts will never come back. You're gonna look and feel great.

tl;dr- no, your boobs will never come back after top surgery, regardless of whether you are on T or not. you might have leftover fat here or gain fat here, but this is a universally human experience, and happens to cis men just as much as any other person. also, your angle viewing your own chest from the top-down is a misleading optical illusion that is not accurate to what other people see looking at you front on.

hc’s about riley w/ a transmasc boyf? :)

okayokay thinking about meeting her when ur pre-t :3

ur scared of getting ur hair cut shorter and she decides to get hers cut with you ☹️ if u hate what the barber did she will Not leave a tip...already writing a bad review in her head

you're in the process of starting hormones and she's there for you every step of the way :(((

going to walmart to print out ur name change form because she doesnt have a printer???? you get her to treat herself and buy one and now shes obsessed with printing of photos she took of you on her camera :(

bakes u a cake with your Official name on it :p

late night talks in the fort about who's taking whose last night name when you get married, how she can't wait for your voice to drop when you start T and that "you should totallyyyy get heart shaped nipples when you get surgery"

both wanting to go all way with each other but your dysphoria is too much :( u both console each other when things get bad and it's just so good. just holding each other tight and whispering how much you love one another while they cry in ur chest and get it all out, reassuring riley that you're here and ur never gonna leave no matter how much she tries to push you away.

literally throws u a party with mutuals friends when you start T ^__^ makes a whole speech about how proud she is of you and how far you've gotten and she's proud to call you her boyfriend

doing ur T shot for you if ur scaredddd :((( makes you hug a pillow tho because the first time she did it, you almost broke her hand the way you were squeezing it 😭

uses her mom's money to pay for ur top surgery too lets be real....

loveslovesloves ur scars and would be sad if you wanted to cover them up tbh 😣shes obsessed with kissing them and tracing them with her fingers

both going to therapy with each other!! either sitting outside n waiting or she'll ask you to come in with her because she doesn't wanna be alone

clothes stealer >__>

before you were living together, every time you'd go over to her apartment it seemed like she was just adding more and more of ur sweaters to her closet... the first thing she says to you when she opens the door is "let me take ur jacket for you :3" and you never leave with it

ur boxers arent safe either!!!! u slept over for a week one time because ur apartment was getting worked on, so you brought over spare clothes and you wake up to riley watching dateline in ur boxers, shirt that you wore the night before AND ur sweatpants....

u cant complain tho because she looks so good in it

mind going blank but just thinking about shaving and shes watching you in the mirror with the most loving gaze ever and u have to tell her to leave so you can breathe properly 😭

riley making this little game when you two watch true crime docs to see who can guess it first and the prize is always a kiss :3 and $10. you've learned to pretend that you dont have ur wallet so you just bribe her with makeout sessions to forget about the money

Can't decide on a specific scene but i'll take anything you have to say about i'll meet judgement by the hounds bc at this point i have re-read it so many times ...

the thing about ill meet judgement by the hounds is that literally no concrete planning went into writing that thing. i was up against a deadline for a grad school assignment i was procrastinating like NOBODY'S BUSINESS had two panic attacks that week (unrelated to school!!) and then flew to bath with my roommate spur of the moment. posted that ch2 late at night zooted on my anxiety meds and and woke up to some LOVELY messages that i read on a bus when i was pulling away from the airport. insane experience. i didnt even want to give it a chapter two right away i was like IM BUSY. and then i wrote it immediately.

BUT to actually talk about the fic. like you asked <3. i actually had this idea that i wanted to follow marc's pov (at that point i had only written vale) and get inside his insane headspace leading up to his arm surgery and then be like. wouldnt it be crazy if vale was there and wanted to reconcile a bit but he was also kind of avoiding SAYING THAT. wouldnt that make marc feel EVEN CRAZIER. marc marquez saw trap simulator. inside you there are two wounds one is valentino rossi and the other is your fucked up arm. anddddd 2022 seemed like the ideal place for a rosquez reunion to me! like. dramaturgically. marc is on the brink. vale has just retired (easy to get a reason for him to have an epiphany regarding marc, made even easier bc marc pov means i never have to explain it in depth !)

and the thing about this fic is that it was supposed to be. A LOT longer. go race by race until his surgery and have them talk a lot more. change a little more gradually. but uh. ive already said my life was insane at that time and i got excited and fucking SENT that badboy. (again. i was lightly tranquilized.) which i think MOSTLY makes it better but the pacing is still little wacky. anyways i do think of the scene i cut where marc talks to alex all the time but i think i also fully deleted it! dont write fic under the influence! i also cut a BIG scene of them at the french GP where vale brings marc a sandwich and makes him eat it. it should also be noted that i was doing SO much journalism research about this period and i found a bunch of WILD quotes from marc that i compiled into a small insane vision board of them to ground my fic in his crazy way of conceptualizing his life. that i apparently also deleted while zen-ed out. so

more stupid behind the scenes under the cut

actual plot summary (my "outline") that i wrote out at the top of my google doc complete with typo:

Thinking about how absolutely distressing it would be for Marc pre surgery or right after if Vale tried to reconcile. Early 2022 before surgery decision and post Vale retirement

Scenes of Vale like. earnestl y talking to him. Marc represses a panic attack every time. race by race?

and here's what i had written for aragon, which is full of lines i just thought of with NO context or structure like this part would NOT take off the ground. you might notice some of them get repurposed later in the fic:

III. French GP, 2022. P6.

Marc’s still not out of the habit of reaching for him, apparently. He looks— God. Marc’s head hurts just looking at him. He could swear he has defenses from this, from how Marc can feel where he is in every room they’re in together. He guesses somewhere in the last few weeks he’s lost them, again. Just another thing he used to be good at.

despite everything, Marc can feel himself relax, with Vale here. The warm heat of him sharing space. He used to feel like this all the time. Vale to his left. His arm, casual and pain free, on his right. Now he's scarred all the way down both sides.

He remembers when he was a kid and he met Vale. How he had winked at Marc and said, I'll look out for you, cradling the toy car that Marc had brought specifically to give to him in his hands. How Marc had turned it over in his brain for years. I'll look out for you.

Marc bargains with himself

Marc does stupid, stupid things when Vale is in his life. He knows this. Going to the ranch is a bad idea. the press alone, if anyone finds out, would feed the paddock journos for years. It would be stupid— risky

Someone needs to tell him not to race. calm him down. Usually, it’s Álex. 

MORE OUTLINE: Vale brings him a sandwich and Marc wants to cry, terrible race. They watch a movie its very Valentino voice lemme take care of you !!! but no talking about their past lmao. maybe arm

Genuinely terrible race. That one stat about alwasy finishing top 5 or crashing. Vale like actually gets him to talk about his arm which gets no where fast (guest alex?) and riding misery begins to reach a tipping point

Dude before I go do my therapy work Im out here for, I do wanna say the whole afab systems cant call an alter transfemme lacks a lot of insight into transexperiences and nuance. Cause like, yes generally I do feel ablot of cases can be in bad taste if said person is perisex afab that has no experience transitioning

But like, as the like only heavy femme part in a borderline almost basically intersex AFAB transman body that has been on T for 1.5 years, I legit spent an hour femming up with the guidance of a transwoman on YouTube and am wearing my women clothes that let me show of my tits as a "hey look Im a WOMAN" and I kid you not, most angles of selfies make me look like a man dressing up as a woman

I legit struggle to pass as a ciswoman honest to god I technically never was and this far into transition like.... itd be far fetched and a lot of effort to "pass" as a ciswoman especially to bigots

And so like, I don't really identify as a transwoman and I think I COULD argue transfemme but tbh I really don't care, cause I'm more than fine just calling myself a feminine part and/or categorizing my feminity closer to that of a cross dresser than that of a trans experience cause like

Yeah not passing as a ciswoman is annoying but tbh doesnt matter too much to me

But ya know, its whatever honestly. I aint trying to argue cause honestly, I dont call myself a transwoman or transfemme and dont intend to or want to at least unless my feelings change when we eventually get top surgery

But ya know, food for thought and all

Trans rambles because I am trans therefore everyone in twisted wonderland is trans (they can’t escape me)

Riddle is trans masc genderfluid or trans fem genderfluid, it can really go either way with him. Would be a She/He enjoyer

Cater is just a trans guy. I don’t make the rules. Got top surgery and started T as soon as he could. Since he’s 18 (and I’m going off American law), he probably started puberty blockers really early and started T with his moms consent. He’s just living his best life

Leona is trans fem or trans masc. You can pick whichever you like best

Ruggie is a trans man I’m dying on this hill. He couldn’t afford puberty blockers but in my headcannon Leona is giving him some money for his transition. He pays for his hormone therapy and the needles he needs. In the version that Leona is trans masc probably gave him a hand-me down binder. His grandma really doesn’t care, coming out to her was easy “Hey grandma I’m trans” “that’s great now go grab my cigarettes”

All of the octo trio are trans because they’re my favorites and this in the highest honor I can give them.

Azul is nonbinary (he/they), he’s simple.

Jade is trans fem agender, they are in charge of making sure Floyd takes his T, otherwise he’d forget. They are on estrogen themself and Floyd calls them boob pills

Floyd is a trans guy because he is my favorite character and he just like me fr. Either doesn’t bind at all and does not care or forgets to take off his binder and wonders why his chest hurts all the time. That binder also needs to be WASHED. It is holding on for dear life. Jade helps Floyd take his T because Floyd can’t be trusted around sharp objects

The Tweels mom and dad didn’t care that much either. Idk what the merfolks view of gender is so you can make it up yourself. But I like to think that they don’t really care

Jamil is trans fem but hasn’t come out to her parents yet. Wants to fully transition but hasn’t been able too. Is a trans girl that wants to watch the world burn and I am in love with her. Send love to your local trans woman today

Vil is also Trans fem but could probably make her own estrogen if she really wanted too but going to a doctor is much safer and she has the means to do so. Trans lesbian, you can’t fight me on this I’m literally Yana

I DONT KNOW WHAT ROOK IS BUT HE IS QUEER. That is a queer guy, either by sexuality or gender. I don’t know what he is but we gotta find out NOEW. He can’t keep getting away with this

Epel is a trans guy, his story has trans vibes going through them. With the whole looking like a girl and wanting to be more manly. He’s on puberty blockers but Vil is working out with his family to get him on T. Probably has him a high testosterone diet to help out. Her and Rook definitely teach Epel everything he’d need to know to transition. (Found family goes brrrr), his family is supportive just more confused than anything. They love and support him they just don’t have the money to help him get that far in his transition

Idia is a sweaty trans masc nonbinary xeno pronoun user. Doesn’t use his xeno pronouns in real life but uses them online. He/they/it pronouns and Glitch/Glitchself Code/Codeself xeno pronoun user. He came out recently to his family so they are a bit confused but they have enough money to help his transition. Ortho makes sure he takes off his binder so he doesn’t hurt himself with it and reminds him to take his medication (both hormone blockers and anxiety medication)

Ortho is a robot, but he uses xeno pronouns like his brother to make him feel better. He’s a sweet little guy who loves his brother not much to say

Malleus is a trans woman because twisted wonderland is good but they need more trans women. Idk what fae culture thinks about gender but they probably don’t care that much. Malleus can probably transition through magic but just doesn’t want to. She doesn’t have body dysphoira just social dysporia other than that she’s doing just fine

Lilia is nonbinary just cause he’s a silly little guy. Nonbinary (he/him), just a silly guy

Crewel is an older trans guy and queer guy. Definitely has knowledge about trans laws and informs his trans students of them. Wants Crowley to add a gender studies class but we all know how useful Crowley is

Sam is a trans guy, why you may ask? Because Sam is like one of the most common names trans guys pick. That or he’s nonbinary. Transitioned a long time ago, is open about it and helps out NRC’s trans/queer students when he can. Sells binders and feminine clothing

How would this work if NRC is an all boys college? I dunno and I don’t care so don’t make a comment questioning it. This is for the fun of it. I also have headcannons about what mental disorder some twst characters might have so that might be my next post. Psychology is a special interest of mine and you can’t escape me talking about it

Thank you tri-state area 

some of the transmasc! mig hcs rub me the wrong way. ranting transgenderishly abt it. sorrie

1. why are so many ppl defaulting to giving him top surgery scars. look at his body shape, his hips are narrow and his shoulders are broad and he’s over 6’5 lmao. dude would have been on blockers then T as an early teenager. you don’t need top surgery then. unless you construct a narrative where he went off of T for like… at least a year (but probably longer) without getting a complete hysterectomy first then this makes no sense.

it just feels like ppl dont know that much abt transmasc experiences we r not all the same and top surgery scars r not just a thing you slap on to trans someone, not all of us require top surgery + cis guys get top surgery too? just giving uneducated

2. also the fact that it seems like it just doesn’t ever occur to ppl that trans men get bottom surgery. ig that’s an in general issue but why does it seem like every hc’ed trans man character always has a pussy. plenty of us have dicks bro it just feels fetish-y. plenty of us only pass on surgery bc it’s A Lot but it’s 2099 so that’s going to be less of an issue,,, specific to miguel like. why is nobody giving him bottom surgery scars like the fact that there’s not an equal or even rly existing rep for that in a world where getting it would be INFINITELY easier makes me uncomfy it’s rly giving ‘trans men as men-lite” energy

3. also for written content same deal why is nearly every trans guy hced as one who doesn’t get bottom surgery and why is there always SO MUCH focus on specifically using the word pussy. like bitch! an example of a common thing for transmascs: i dew naught even write fem!RC content using that word i avoid almost all fem-genitalia words bc they’re extremely uncomfy to me, and that phenomenon amongst trans men is even more common than trans men who have had bottom surgery. so we have an excess of content focusing on ‘guy with pussy’ and very little if any content even just recognizing a significant amount of trans men r not okay with that terminology n often do not even like engaging their natal anatomy beyond their dicks (significant number of us also use this word and not the other one! btw!!) during sex. n ppl don’t want to write abt this bc it doesn’t fit the fetish!! im doing murder!!

4. i saw someone ranting wrt trans!mig abt how ppl make male characters transmasc to make mlm ships “less gay” wrt: sex and its just like. im going to kill u too! trans men get bottom surgery bro trans men have dicks! plenty of the ones that don’t just straight up do not do PIV! way to hit the nail on the head wrt fandoms seeing trans men as men-lite lmao and way to miss the opportunity for criticism of fandom transphobia by just. validating that perception of trans men.

idk im just so tired where is my trans miguel no top surgery scars (bc he clearly got T at puberty onset) + with bottom surgery scars content :/ arm scar from the nerve + torso scar from the graft, it’s 2099 they’ve probably perfected skin expanders atp so it would just be like. one scar instead of the scar + stretched area but like. i digress. can we please have trans men with dicks content Ever? the abject lack of it kinda feels like left wing version of rw “c*ntboy” fetishism lol. im going to make some myself bc it is an outlet to deal with my Frustration abt this and explore how all trans ppl have different transitions narratively and counter the reductive fandom goggles perception of us. in general i wish the majority of ppl just didn’t do trans hcs until it stops just being a clear and obvious extension of fetishization and stereotyping. throttling ppl biting and maiming and tearing

also like there’s so many ppl who just think trans men who get bottom surgery r gross but won’t admit it and they especially shan’t see the light of heaven and should stop even thinking abt trans men at all <3

sorry i need to write this and im really frunk but i need to type it anyway. when i was going home as many peopl know the first thing i did after top surgery was put on welcome to th ebblack parade. and i burst into tears. ic ouldnt help it. i was so happy. i was so fucking. and my dad. my dad hadnt seen me cry in fivce years. and he said so. i ahdnt reqalzed it had been so long. but when he sadi that he said should i pull ovcer because truly he didnt know what to do. he didnt. but tears streaming down my face i was like. please just listen. listen. do you understand what this was to me. what it was. there is clear memory of being 14 at a waterpark and looking agt my mom. while i wore a bikini and asking her to accept that i was a boy. i felt stupid . i felt righteous. i remembered gerard. my mom told me she'd never respect that and neither wuld my dad. one day they did but it took me threatening to never spewak to them. the thing is -> i could not give a fuck . DO OR DIE. youll never make me. go ancd trhy. youll never break me. WE ANT IT ALL. WE WANN APLAY THIS PART. and gthen. i looked my dad in the eye. the man who two years elarier would have nedver thought he could accept that iw as trans. the man who was driving me home from getting my top surgery at 5am. and thorugh tears along to gerard i muttered. i wont explain. or say im sorry. im unashamed. im gona show my scars. and in that moment i touched my chest. where the bandasges where. i knew i was being ridiculous. i knew i was crying from happiness even tohugh i hadnt cried from sadness since i was 14. and i said give a cheer for all the broken. dad. and listen here because its who we are. BECAUSE IM JUST A MAN (im not but i am) im not a hero (i never was and im not now) im just a boy(of course i am. of course) who had gto sing this song <- and the thing was if i hadnt gotten top surgery or started t i wouldve killed myself. i just wouldve. but of course i didbt. i was who i wanted to be. finally. i was in that car and id never been closer to what gerard was saying. i was there. finally. finally. finally. i was who i wanted to be. the drains were still attached, i hadnt seen my chest yet, and i was who i wanted to be. thank god. thank myself, because i was the one who fucking TRIED. TO . GET THESE THINGS. only me. in alabama, when i had to leave the state for almost a year just to get testosterone, i tried. and i did it. i did it. i did it. i am who i am. i am a man but im not a man. by virture of the fac tthat im not a hero. im j ust aboy. who had to lplay this part. isnt taht crazy. i had to. i dont anymore. i am who i am. i love who ia m. no matter how bad life gets. who i am is beautiful. i love it. i cherish it. and then when black parade ended i played mama. the song that when i was young made me ralize i was transgender. and i remembered how i felt the first time i heard it. walking in circles. outside mh house with my headphones in. so so young. realizing what i was. finally. and being scared so scared i stopped listening to mcr. nd now i think. i had no idea. that htings could be okay. that my body could be my body.and now it is. thakn you my chemical romance. THANK YOU WASHINGTON <- me. because i deserve to be thanked for being myself. k bye

can you make a atom word for whatever this is or say what you think it sounds like or is…?

I feel like I should have 6-12 inches tall mute blue antlers of a deer Dark grey c maybe even black skin Instead of human ears- bright, pumpkin orange deer ears on top of my head,  Black scelra, white pupils and irises Pointy dark grey teeth, my whole inner mouth pitch black and a even darker (maybe slightly forked) tongue,  Either frizzy long orange curly hair or shaved at the sides with green tips and peach fuzz also green (imagine double troubles hair from sheds and princess kf power  Either non-offset, bigger chest, or upper chest- maybe even top surgery scars?  Pointy nails of bronze and silver, maybe fox like paws- but the padding is like hooves that’s also bronze and silver, maybe legs like a deer mixed with a fox’s with bright orange fur as well, preferably ones that bend back instead of like human legs, or maybe just one leg bends back? I ain’t sure  Knee length tail, only the white is orange or black, a deer nose the same size of my current nose or something…(?)  ….not sure… I just wish I could look like that, maybe even be able to grow w tea arms to already have some, maybe like 1-3 more sets? Grow wings whenever I feel like it or shapeshift so I don’t feel stuck in one body…. I’d use to get the phantom limbs, usually it was ears or a tail, occasionally extra arms or wings, tbh sometimes I wish I could be a mermaid, or just shapeshift whenever, wherever Am I demonkin or…? (I was heavily tempted to go anonymously….)

hi!! so being nonhuman can definitely be confusing sometimes. my best advice for finding whatever alterhuman type you are is this: do you feel all of these things correspond to one creature? or do they feel like multiple different kin types colliding at once? if you feel they can be classes separately then you can collect multiple of the alterhuman types you feel fit. if they all feel like one creature then we open up even more options!!

you mentioned feeling like you want to just shapeshift, which you can absolutely class as its own kind of nonhuman (and it’s actually one that’s very common!!) your mermaid feeling can also be its own occasional nonhuman type. but when it comes to the overall mish mash you described you can basically create your own “fantasy” nonhuman type. demonkin as you suggested would absolutely work, but you can also class it as a hybrid (this is the term we use for our mixed alterhuman types).

you also seem to be bringing up a lot of deer and fox elements as well as stuff that can also be seen in types of demons. foxes and deers are very common animals to find in mythology so i would also recommend looking into hybrid creatures found in mythology and fiction. you can look into different mythical hybrids, but if you want a place to start i’d recommend a type of pantheon-human/demon hybrid or a deerfox-human/demon hybrid.

the most important thing to remember is that your alterhuman type can be whatever the fuck you want really. if you feel like demonkin is an apt way to describe it then go for it!! if you feel just shapeshifter or hybrid is better then thats okay too!! if you want t to just use nonhuman or alterhuman to describe yourself then you dont have to get more specific!! if you want to try and narrow it down to one specific word then my best advice is just to do a mythology deep dive, as thats where you’ll find the most mixed hybrids. i hope this was of some help, and good luck friend!!

TW for menstruation.

I've been giving more thought to all the small things that weren't obviously signs that I may be non-binary that I've felt since I was very young and consistently held. I never had the language for how I felt back then. Realising how some of what I thought and felt probably had a bit of dysphoria along with the other reasons, is comforting but also sad.

The main one for me, who was AFAB, was they ever since I was young I never wanted children. It was something I was very, very clear about. But as this was primary school it was put down as that I was just a child and all girls grow up to have babies so you'll meet a man and change your mind. I'm 39 now, I still do not want children. I know a lot of my reasons are because I simply don't want to, it would cause me some physical problems, I couldn't afford to anyway but what I didn't realise as a child because I found, and still find expressing my feelings difficult, is that the whole idea disgusts me. I'd be changing in a way that I don't want. I hated it when I started my period because even although we had been told all about that at school, I never really connected that also included me. And when they did show up, Mum got all weird about it. I didn't understand why she got so proud and at the same time, ashamed enough that she just gave me these awful pads and not told what to do with them or how to look after myself. The whole teenage female experience and growing up into a woman wasn't something I ever connected with. It was a performance because I have a certain body that is capable of certain things. As a girl, as a woman in order to be accepted you should dress a certain way, behave a certain way. I didn't hate my body but I never felt comfortable in it, not entirely.

As I joined the military, I loved the gym. I worked out, tried to gain muscle as much, as I could. But I was way more feminine because the other women were, the women's uniform trousers were so stupid and I wasn't big enough to get the much smarter men's ones. I wanted to fit in. I cut my hair short but people always mistook me for a man in a nasty mocking way. Weird as it sounds, when I deployed and a local man addressed me with none of that, I wasn't upset because what he saw was a person with short hair, my chest hidden under my baggy shirt. It always upset me when people were snide and I wasn't even trying to pretend I was a man, I was just being myself. I dont suit long hair anyway!

Workouts almost became a bit of an obsession. It wasn't just about being fit for the work but with how I looked and I guess that was a bit of dysphoria I wasn't aware of because I didn't want a typical feminine shape.

I left, returned to civilian life and because I no longer felt the need to fit in with everybody else, I slowly dressed less feminine. I still wear some things but that's because I want to. It's just being me not presenting in a way I think others will accept. I thought about how I identified and that I never really felt like male or female fit or described me. I never had a sense of what it meant to be a woman. But neither can I say the same for man. I like being free with dressing in a way I like regardless of how masculine or feminine it is. I do think about if top surgery would be a good thing for me, just family would have a problem with it. I don't know if I'd go on T, I got used to the fact that I have periods. But I have short hair and nobody mocks me for it or say snide things about it. In fact if people can't tell which I am, that makes me happy. That's sometimes the point; I don't want to be viewed as either. I use they/them pronouns. I want to change my name to a non-feminine one. Being seen and accepted as a non-binary person means the world to me.

It took me so long to understand but I finally feel like I know and feel more at home with myself simply for understanding why I felt the way I did when people probably knew bit didn't want to face that they don't have a daughter but still a loving child.

My favorite color is green. I play violin, though not very well. I love dogs, and volunteer at an animal shelter. I'm into sci fi and my favorite author is Ursula K. LeGuin.  I also like Batman comics.

And I also happen to be a FTM transgender man.  What you folks would call a TIF.

Ever since I was 10, before i even knew why, I hated my body. For years of my life, I had daydreams of taking a kitchen knife to my chest and cutting off the breasts. I tried to kill myself twice.

That changed 3 years ago.  I realized I was trans and bought myself a binder.

When it's on, I feel relief. I dont think of the kitchen knife. I'm not too depressed to get out of bed.

But after 8 hours, I have to take it off.

I plan on getting top surgery so this relief can stay.

I should note- this isn't about sexism or anything of the sort. Both my parents were outspoken feminists, and I've been fortunate enough to always live in progressive areas.

This is about people. And if transitioning can keep people like me from killing themselves? I'm all for it.

you seem to be engaging in good faith, so im gonna take you serious and not just be a dick. but man, this is my blog where i have fun and post memes. i hate doing this and am annoyed u sent this at all. theres so many radfem blogs that love discourse and im sooo lukewarm, im radfem-adjacent at best. im a fandom blogger at heart bro. who tf are you lol

first of all i do not care about your life story. youre like "please please see me as a person, we kweer transes are real people, i hope you can understand that even though youre a horrible evil t*rf. im reaching out to u because i believe theres still good in ur heart uwu" you people r annoyinggg

its not like i lack empathy, i was dysphoric and suicidal for a whole decade of my life and mostly surrounded myself with people who felt the same. what changed for me is realizing that my internal feelings about the gender-flavor of my soul didnt mean a goddamn thing and werent worth dwelling on. im a person and my body is female. at first i still wanted to change myself. i switched to id-ing as transmed, i was ready to acknowledge that i was born a girl at least but i knew so strongly that i wanted to pass as male and that it would make me more comfortable in my body. i was completely sure i was a man.

now ofc body dysmorphia is different for everyone but i really think no matter how fucked up your brain gets about how you naturally look, changing your body with medical intervention isnt the best answer. theres so many side effects and complications with each transition step. taking T in a female body can really fuck you up medically. keep yourself informed about what youre doing and think about if theres less expensive and drastic ways to go about fixing what makes you uncomfortable about the way you're perceived. and not to be insensitive, but if you have a history of s*xual assault, that can also be a very real reason for disconnect from your secondary sexual characteristics and ive met enough people that struggle with that sort of ptsd that manifests as wanting to trans their gender that i would rly think about where the desire to become male comes from. it could be a lot of things, and it can feel so real and valid dont get me wrong—but could fade away with time and/or therapy, leaving you reverse-dysphoric about your changed body

committing to being a transsexual while young is a tricky thing. i trust youve already thought it through but goddamn i promise you everything in life changes so much all the time. maybe this wont for you! but it might!!! it did for me and thats terrifying!!!!! identifying as trans is very much the current "its not a phase mom!" thing that teenagers do and you cant convince me otherwise btw. this isnt to say genuine trans people arent real and dont exist. and medically transitioned people definitely do, bc its exploded in popularity. but most of yall are a joke to anyone with a brain sorry lol most people are humoring you guys but would never admit it. this is a fate i wouldnt wish on anyone. being trans is cringe. or it will be soon, trust me

tldr i desisted from being trans myself after a full decade of self-id, various pronouns, etc. so i know where youre coming from. then when i started anxiety medication it helped boost me out of that spiral, which if u havent gotten medicated for other underlying issues i suggest you look into before jumping into hormones/surgery. ive heard that ocd can make u obsess about breasts and want them gone and stuff like that. body dysmorphia in any flavor is a bitch! im wishing you the best anon

also, read some self help literature instead of just fiction. i recommend 7 habits of highly effective people by steven covey. i read this for college and it fr made me a more functional person when i was still FtM and deeply depressed

edit: for the record im not gender conforming to femininity now. i see that misconception a lot, and forget that most ppl dont know what radfem types actually believe. i dress however i want, i just am not delusional about how i want people to address me. im just a lesbian 🫶

If you don't mind my asking (feel free not to answer if invasive tho), How hard was it to get top surgery, and how long did it take you to recover? Do you need to be on T first? I really want top surgery but I'm not on T yet and when i do start T i want a really low dose cuz i already have anger issues unfortunately and don't wanna amp those up. Is it like a long wait list? Cost? Just any basic info about if you'd be willing to give really would be so rad.

Hiya!!! Not invasive at all. This information is crucial knowledge. Inserting a read more.

It was not difficult at all for me to get top surgery, I knew costs were going to be covered by my insurance, the only roadblock was getting the approval. This did not take long, tho I was denied initially because the office usually tries without the letter from a therapist. I had one from my doctor, but after sending the therapist letter, it was all good. The entire surgery was something around 47k, but after insurance and financial aid from the hospital, I only had about 1.6k to pay on my own (which I'm still paying back, but its way more manageable than 47k). It took me about a month to be fully okay with moving about normally (with some limitations, like not raising my arms up for another month or so), but the first 2 weeks were like somewhat bed bound and having someone else help me for a lot of things like bathing, eating, using the bathroom, changing gauze, and flushing my drains. You dont need to be on T to get top surgery, but it might require you need another letter of approval from your insurance if theyre tricky like that. For my surgeon, he was most comfortable working on patients who were on t around the 2 yr mark because it creates a chest shape that allows him more skin to work with, but its different for every surgeon and method. There was no wait list at all, I just had to schedule my surgery after my semester when I could have actually gotten it around march of 2021, but I didn't want to miss out on classes and worry about healing with classwork. Thats about all, but if you want more detailed info, I suggest looking thru my # top surgery tag!

how do i bring up with a doctor that i wanna look into medically transitioning, starting t and getting top surgery to be specific. i dont have a family doctor, so i'd likely have to get one and talk about all my conditions and current state of health before even bringing up that stuff and being trans

but how do you even bring it up? to people who've talked to doctors about being trans esp when it comes to getting gender affirming care, how did that go? how did you start that conversation? do you have any advice?

currently im just barely under my parents insurance rn and any/all resources i have to care at all is limited for me for many reasons but when i do get there i want to be prepared and know what im doing so i dont have a panic attack over coming out to someone esp a doctor. the only people in the medical field who know im trans are my former therapist and my family chiropractor+the other chiro staff who help me in phys rehab. my city isnt exactly entirely accepting and supportive so its very nerve wracking to talk about anything like that.

i dont see many stories about how trans people started talking to their doctors about taking that path, just stories about the process of that path and after, and i hear even less so from fellow canadians and disabled trans folk. so i wanna reach out and hear what i can from people who have something to share esp if it might help me

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EUGHHH SIMS MAKING ME CRAZY

i made a sim who has their orientation stuff as follows:

interested in exploring romantically: no

romantic interests: none

woohoo interests: women

because i wanted to play an alloaro sim. BUT THEY CANT FLIRT ? AT ALL?? LIKE IT LITERALLY DOESNT LET YOU USE THE OPTION EUGHHHH. okay for one. my two sims here are SUPPOSED to be like life partners kinda deal and so i want to have access to options like “look deeply into eyes” “hold hands” and “embrace” but i just CANT do them shaking and slamming my head against my desk. i feel like EA never actually bothers to understand queer stuff they put in the game

1. those fuck ugly pride clothes

2. even though we’re allowed to put any clothes on any sim regardless of frame - EA still hasnt bothered to make anything actually *look good* on the opposite frame to what it was made for. like great my masculine frame sim can wear a skirt - but its going to clip weird and fit awkwardly

3. i have so many complaints about the binders and top scars oh my god. okay for one, your “female frame” sims HAVE to have tiddies - they can be small but they HAVE to have them. so this means no top scars on female frame sims but like? what about people who get surgery but don’t idk start t? like its so limiting. ALSO the binders suckass the texture is kind of ugly and theyre completely useless. they SHOULD be an accessory that your sim can wear under their clothes because when are you ever JUST wearing a binder?? like with regular undergarments i get it because people sleep in those - but with binders it makes no sense. they SHOULD actually compress your sims chest too like it literally does nothing. i was so excited to have a sim that like actually binds and like they have the binder on during most outfits but not for like sleep right idk itd just feel more like me in the game.

4. the pronoun update: its actually just grammatically incorrect. like the basic they/them preset option isnt implemented properly so the sentences will be wrong sometimes

5. i cant marry my sims without a romantic relationship um i dont want to do that let them have a wedding and be best friends and look deeply into each others eyes

kills EA

in trying to be “inclusive” they just keep making everything more and more binary so in the end they keep trying to force queer experiences into a system that was built from the ground up as allocisheteronormative. i know they wont do it but if they actually want queer sims in their game theyd need to rebuild CAS and the relationship system from the ground up. in this case the exclusion of queer people other than allocis gays at the launch of ts4 isnt a bandaid fix problem.

hello hello!! if its alright, could i request a matchup for project sekai and/or twisted wonderland? (o´▽`o)

my name is clockwork, or just clock works too!! im transmasc (16) and i go by he/they pronouns. im a leo, infp, and hufflepuff though i dont know what most of that means, haha! i think i have undiagnosed autism but its something i still have to talk to my doctor about. ive been on t for a year at this point and im hoping to get top surgery the second i turn eighteen. i mostly have an attraction to dudes, but i also like girls!

i’m pretty short (5’3”) and i have black hair that i like to bleach/dye as well as dark brown eyes. i still look pretty feminine, but i have a deeper voice (thank you testosterone) and i dress masculine though im not against dressing somewhat femininely in my freetime.

my main interests as of current are reading and watching different animanga series, playing video games, and watching vtubers!! my hope is that one day i’ll be able to audition to a talent agency one day and start streaming as a vtuber! i also want to expand myself musically, so i’m currently trying to learn the violin and want to pick up the piano one day! i also love band and i want to learn guitar or the drums. i also love drawing, though i dont do it much and im not very good at it, haha! its more of a hobby than something i want to perfect and become a professional in.

personality wise, i’ve been told i can actually look pretty intimidating but i’d like to think im a pretty nice person! i can be a little bit shy when first meeting someone, but once i know i have something in common with someone, i never shut up, haha!! i’m a really passionate person when it comes to the things im interested in and i do my best to make sure the people around me are happy. i can be super spontaneous and i’m not good at thinking before i act so i’ve done quite a lot of stupid stuff before. i’m super loud and i never know how to control my volume, but its mostly because im having fun. i have tendencies to overthink and my thoughts spiral way more often than i’d ever want to admit, but that’s just how it goes sometimes. i also get pretty irritated/frustrated easily, but i’m learning to get better at controlling that.

i guess my type would be someone who can both match my energy, as well as be patient with me. like, someone who can understand whenever i get too overstimulated or whenever i want to be affectionate even when i dont say it out loud, you know?

thank you for listening to my request, or if anything comes up and you can’t do it or have questions for me, then you can message me!! remember to stay hydrated and get enough sleep!! mwah mwah (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

A/N: Hi there mootie! I apologize for taking a while 🥹 but I really hope you enjoy this. Anyways, here I go!

Your soulmate for Project Sekai is…

Akito Shinonome

Honestly, I was gonna go for Toya but I truly feel like akito is a best match for you, honestly people say that akito can be intimidating and so can you and there’s so much more that I’m gonna explain on why akito is perfect.

He loves hearing you talk, usually about whatever like your interests that your passionate about, he also loves hearing your voice all the time too, he finds it attractive.

He also supports all your dreams and goals in life! Whatever you wanna do or wanna be he’ll always be there for you, cheering you on.

Since your learning violin and you wanna learn piano, his friend Toya will teach you how to to play them anytime, and since you draw as well I’m sure Ena would love that!

Potentially, if you wanted too, You, Akito and Toya could be in a poly relationship together, but that’s all up to you.

No matter what y’all just compliment each other so well.

Now, for your Twisted Wonderland Soulmate you’ll be with…

Idia Shroud!

So, since your shy and he’s shy he would definitely become friends with you at first.

You guys share a lot or interests with each other such as animanga, video games, etc, you guys would have weekly gaming nights with just you and him and you guys would also watch anime together as well.

You would be the one talking a lot and he would be the one always listening, he enjoys you taking about your passions and he’ll ask questions and do small reaction noises.

He is very patient with you, and he definitely understands when you get over stimulated as well and will try his best to help you even when he’s freaking out on the inside.

He supports you when you say you wanna become a vtuber! He will definitely help you out with that stuff!

Also if you want affection from him you may have to speak up some points.

hii feel free to ignore if this is invasive but i kinda need advice! i am still trans identified publicly but in the paat year come to understand myself as a woman again - yet i still feel agonised over the way my body looks. its so hard cos i dont want to be a man, i just wanna look like one, and i have these impulses like once a day when i consider starting T or binding again, if i see an actor or musician that i think is inspiring (i like a lot of female artists and make concious effort to engage but i just dont want to emulate them in the same way) 😐 i cant shake this at all. its not even that i think im Male inside so all the stuff about 'never truly being a man' doesnt help me get rid of these thoughts. neither does telling myself that i wont look like the males i idolise as i know multiple ftms in real life who pass amazingly and that has convinced me i could too. do u have any tips shaking this compulsion? i know hormones and surgery wouldnt be good for my body but its just not getting through

not invasive dw haha. ive had a similar feeling, and for me i think ive narrowed it down to feeling like my female body is going to be perceived a certain way. like for example, if you consider a male musician but then mentally create another musician who is exactly the same in all regards but is visibly female, it feels different. ‘female’ is taken into account as a personality trait almost. and i personally got tired of it and wished i could be considered in a neutral light for all my other traits without the modifier ‘female’ on top of it.

it helps to try to understand the logic behind your feelings because then you can try to counteract it. you cant do much for others considering your female body as a non-neutral thing, but you can try to teach yourself to view it neutrally and understand that other peoples views of it are wrong. when you look at your body, what beliefs about yourself arise? do you feel trapped? do you feel weaker? or try the opposite— if you had a male body, what beliefs about yourself would you have and how do they differ from what you think of yourself now? from there you can begin to tackle any negative connotations you associate with being female that act as barriers to you being happy in your body

thats just whats been working for me so far anyway. im not anything close to a therapist so take it with a grain of salt. hope i was able to help tho

How long did you have to wait for your referral to go through to the GIC? I’ve been on a waiting list since 2020 and heard nothing back.

So my timeline in essence has been like. A little chaotic, I have adhd and was in a pandemic so i dont have the greatest grasp on how time passes, and obviously people not in central Scotland may experience things very differently but.

February 2018 - Self referral to Sandyford clinic in Glasgow pretty much the instant I was 18 and financially independent

2018-2020 - got thoroughly ignored by Sandyford

~April 2020 - got made redundant due to The Covid, my bosses tried to fuck me over by not paying severance but someone else at the company pointed out that meant they owed me over a grand in back holiday pay. Immediately had a lockdown breakdown and spent all of that going private, rendering myself Very Skint

July 2020 - first appointment with private clinic YourGP in Edinburgh, got my first letter of diagnosis here. Costs ~£350 per appointment iirc and you need three appointments before you can start T or anything

July - December 2020 - those happened. Two diagnostic appointments, one of which was a therapist/psych screening, and a prescription appointment during which they lost the psych letter and had to delay prescribing. Medical Competence :)

December 4th 2020 - started half dose (1 pump daily) testogel. I went for gel because it was the cheapest option (~£35/bottle plus £20 prescription fee, I'd pick up two bottles at a time so it was ~£90 every couple months) and because I could self administer it, because. It was 2020 and every nurse in the world was so fucking busy. However my plan was to switch to sustanon when I was able to access a GP more reliably

~ March 2021 - started full dose testogel (2 pumps daily). This was also roughly when Sandyford finally picked me up so I no longer had to pay my prescription fee. Legally changed my name

October 2021 - asked Sandyford to change me from testogel to sustanon, and to refer me to the Chalmers clinic in Edinburgh as I'd moved back to Edinburgh now

EVERY SINGLE WEEK between December 2021 and April 2022 - emailed Sandyford saying "Hiya! Neither myself nor my GP have yet received the prescription and referral I was due to receive last October. Can you please confirm you are sending us this information? Thank you for your help!". Got ignored every single time until ~April 12th ish when they finally called my GP

April 22nd 2022 - finally started sustanon, 1ml every 3 weeks. Was given a list of potential top surgery providers to look into

July 26th 2022 - first appointment with Chalmers. Reviewed 3 months bloods - my T levels are slightly low but it could be due to not being bang on the 3 months mark, so we're gonna wait another 3 months to see if this evens out or if I would do better on nebido. Wrote up surgery referral letter and I just need to call and confirm with my final decision on which surgery team I want

July 27th 2022 - I have been on hold for forty six minutes with increasing fits of nervous laughter at the fact the main top surgery team people in Scotland get referred to is. Man Chester.

From here - it'll probably be about 2 years till my surgery at this point given wait times

I hope this is a vaguely helpful overview, if you've any questions about any of it in more detail just shout - im happy to answer pretty much anything asked in good faith and will just politely say no if it's something I don't want to discuss publicly:)